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[Trevor Noah] What an interesting time it's been.
[laughter]
[Trevor] Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna be honest with all of you.
I had a very different show planned. Yeah, very, very different show.
In fact, when I… when I planned this show in Washington, D.C.,
I had a very different relationship with the White House at that time.
[laughter]
I had a whole different set planned.
I was gonna tell you some jokes about me playing pickleball.
And, uh… yeah, life happened.
For those who don't know how it came to be,
uh… I'll try and tell you how it unfolded.
I was hosting the Grammy Awards.
[cheering and applause]
It was a good time, a really good time.
And then it wasn't.
I hosted the show,
had to catch a flight back to the East Coast
to come and do shows, right?
And I don't… I don't connect to the Wi-Fi whenever I'm traveling.
I just like to relax.
And landed in Boston.
And the first time I knew my life had changed
was when someone walked past me on the plane
as I was packing my… my laptop bag,
and he just held me on the shoulder, and he's like, "Trevor, you fight."
"You got this. Fight."
"Come on. You got this."
Did I look like I was struggling that much?
Walking through the airport,
people were giving me random thumbs-ups of support,
like, "Yeah, come on, you got this. Yeah."
"Hey, yeah!"
Except Black people. Black people were like, "Hey, man."
And then I turned on my phone,
and honestly, I thought the thing was… was… was malfunctioning
because it started vibrating even before the icons popped up.
It was the Apple logo, and my phone was like… [buzzing]
Bzz-bzz! I was like, "What the hell?" It was notifications everywhere.
I was like, "Did Michael Jackson die again?"
"What happened? What is going on?"
'Cause every app, every app was going crazy.
It was like, iMessage, "Bling-bling-bling,"
WhatsApp, "Bla-bla-bla," Twitter, "Da-da-da,"
Instagram, "Bla-bla-bla."
Even Uber Eats was like, "Yo, you got some hot shit coming in, man."
I went to my messages, and everyone I've ever known in my life
had texted me. Everyone. From kindergarten teachers onwards.
"Trevor, oh my God, are you okay?"
"Trevor, where are you? Did you see?" "Trevor, call me, call me, call me!"
"Yo, don't call me." "Call me." "Trevor, what's happening?"
"Trevor, did you see?"
One person was like, "Oh my God, did you see what Trump said?"
And I was like, "What? What did Trump say?"
"What did Trump say this time?"
"Oh boy, let me check. What did Trump say? Me?"
Yeah. It hits different when you're in the crosshairs.
I'm not gonna lie.
It's pretty crazy. I, uh…
I hosted The Daily Show for seven years, and for seven years…
[cheering and applause]
…we covered news and politics in America, right?
'Cause that's what the show is.
And in that time, Donald Trump was in the news and politics all the time,
so I assumed at some point, maybe he would say something about me or come after me.
He didn't, which I was happy about. I was like, "Great."
You know, and then I left The Daily Show.
And I relaxed like an idiot in a horror movie.
And I went off and started hosting the Grammys.
I was like, "This is delightful. It's a music show. So much more chill."
Turns out, the president watches the Grammys.
Yeah, and he was not happy.
He was not happy at all.
No, uh…
He had written a post, a lengthy post,
giving me a Google review
of my performance.
And it wasn't… it wasn't like a flyby. It was like a full on…
I'll… I'll read the full thing to you 'cause I don't wanna misquote anything.
-I'll read you… -[cheering and applause]
This is… this is what I saw when I… when I searched my name and his.
Um… it was a post on Truth Social
from @realDonaldTrump.
Fun aside, Donald Trump owns Truth Social,
so it's a little weird that he doesn't have @DonaldTrump.
It's weird that somebody else got it, and he was, "Fine, real Donald Trump."
Anyway, uh… this is… this is what the message read.
Um…
"The Grammy Awards are the WORST!"
Every time I shout, it's because the word is in all caps.
I'm trying to give you a feeling of what I was experiencing, all right?
"Virtually unwatchable."
So some parts were good.
"CBS is lucky not to have this garbage litter their airwaves any longer."
"The host, Trevor Noah, whoever he may be…"
[audience member shouting]
That's a bit bitchy.
Like, I know what he was trying to do, but I don't think he did it correctly.
You can't say, "The host, Trevor Noah,
whoever he may be"
because that is exactly who I may be.
I understand he was trying to dismiss me,
but you said my full name and my job title on the night.
You can't be dismissive and be vague and specific at the same time.
That's not how that works.
[cheering and applause]
"Whoever he may be."
I be nobody else.
There is no "may" in this equation. That is exactly who I be.
"Trevor Noah, the host. Social Security number 4576728135."
"Whoever he may be."
No, that is me.
It's weird. Like, You don't use that phrase when you know the person.
"Whoever he may…"
You use that phrase when a stranger has ridden through your town
and deflowered your daughter.
That's when you use the phrase.
"I'm gonna kill that man, whoever he may be!"
It's also funny to switch to feudal English
in the middle of a message.
He's like, "Whoever he may be."
"Fee-fi-fo-fum."
"I smell the blood of a South African."
[applause]
It's random.
So he says, yeah, "The host, Trevor Noah, whoever he may be,
is almost as bad as Jimmy Kimmel."
[chuckles]
Yo, poor Jim. I like Jimmy Kimmel.
All right? And now, because of me, he's catching strays, like…
He was at home, minding his own business.
Doesn't even work on Sundays.
All of a sudden, his phone is like… [buzzing]
He says, "Almost as bad as Jimmy Kimmel at the low-ratings Academy Awards."
Then he goes on.
"Noah said INCORRECTLY about me
that Donald Trump and Bill Clinton spent time on Epstein Island."
"WRONG!"
Now, just so we're on the same page,
I did not say
Donald Trump and Bill Clinton spent time on Epstein Island.
I did not say that.
I made a joke at the Grammys.
Right? One of many random jokes that I made.
Uh, this one came after Billie Eilish had just won Song of the Year.
All right? And I said, "Congratulations, Billie Eilish, Song of the Year."
"That is an award that every artist wants,
almost as much as Donald Trump wants Greenland."
"Because now that Jeffrey Epstein is gone,
he needs a new island where he can hang out with Bill Clinton."
Okay? That's what I said. That's what I said.
[cheering and applause]
I did not say he was on the island.
I said that he would like his own island.
Clearly a joke as well because he wouldn't go with Bill Clinton, right?
And Greenland is a terrible substitute for Epstein Island.
Completely different climate, completely different vibe, all right?
So he says, "And Bill Clinton spent time on Epstein Island."
"WRONG!"
"I can't speak for Bill…" [laughs wheezily]
I love how in the midst of him calling me the ultimate liar,
he's like, "This guy's a liar!"
"Except about the Bill part. We gotta check that out. I mean…"
"I mean, you know how this guy is."
"But I have never been to Epstein Island, nor anywhere close."
That's unnecessary. The proximity to Epstein Island
is not what people are litigating, right?
It's your proximity to the man who owned Epstein Island.
It's not the land that's an issue.
It's not like, "Where were you in the Caribbean?"
"Epstein Island?" "No, Jamaica." "Busted!"
No.
Uh… "Nor anywhere close."
"And, until tonight's false and defamatory statement,
have never been accused of being there."
Really?
I was the first?
Before me, no one had ever mentioned Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein.
I was the first.
I'm the reason his name is mentioned 5,000 times in those files.
I set those dominoes into place,
and I tipped them over.
Yeah. "Not even by the fake news media."
"Noah, a total loser…" Meow!
"…better get his facts straight and get them straight fast."
"It looks like I'll be sending my lawyers
to sue this poor, pathetic, talentless dope of an M.C.,
and suing him for plenty." Cha-ching.
He put a dollar sign. I don't know what sound that is.
"Ask little George Slopadopolus and others how that all worked out."
"Also, ask CBS."
"Get ready, Noah."
"I'm going to have some fun with you."
"President DJT."
Yeah, that… that last line is something.
Yeah, that is…
"Get ready, Noah."
"I'm going to have some fun with you."
You know, if… if you're not trying to sound
like a sexual deviant…
[laughter and applause]
…this is not the line I would recommend.
Yeah, "I'm gonna have some fun with you"
is what someone says right after they've strapped on the head dildo.
So yeah, that was my Monday.
And I'll be honest, I… I wasn't… I wasn't too worried.
You know, Donald Trump watches TV regularly,
gets angry about what he sees, posts about it,
and oftentimes, he moves on.
I thought something else would come along, right?
Because in many ways, he's like a… he's like a squirrel that watches TV.
Yeah. He'll be fully… [garbled speech]
Yeah, same size hands.
Um… So I was like, "It'll move. It'll change."
And it did. It did.
The next day,
the big topic in the White House was the government shutdown.
There was a looming government shutdown.
'Cause you know America's government is always on the edge of shutting down.
I mean, at this point, I think you guys should switch to a family plan, right?
The month-to-month thing is not working out.
But they were interviewing the president about this.
This is a serious topic.
And in the middle of a conversation about the government shutdown,
some journalist from the back of the room shouts out…
[whiny voice] "Mr. President, are you gonna sue Trevor Noah
for what he said at the Grammys?"
[normal voice] I'm like, "Dick."
I was gone.
Yeah, I always wondered what happened to that kid who was like…
[whiny voice] "Oh, teacher, you forgot to give us the homework."
[normal voice] Trump went back in. "Oh yeah, Trevor Noah,
said I was on Epstein, gonna sue him. Total lightweight. Loser."
Yeah. So now, I might be getting sued by the President of the United States.
-[audience member] Woo! -[Trevor] Yeah.
[applause]
I don't… I don't know if it's a "woo." I don't know if it's a "ooh." I don't…
No, I'll be honest with you.
I don't know how to feel
because I don't know how this will play out.
If it was a normal time, I'd be pretty confident.
Donald Trump would sue me.
A judge would throw it out for a multitude of reasons.
You know, First Amendment protections, free expression, jokes, satire.
All of these things are covered in a regular time.
It would be Donald Trump suing me. Whatever.
But now it's not Donald Trump.
Now I'm being sued by the President of the United States,
Donald Trump, and I don't know what that means.
Do I appeal? Do I appeal?
We get to the Supreme Court.
All right? I walk in. He's waiting there for me.
He's like… [as Al Pacino] "Say hello to my little friends."
[laughter and scattered applause]
-I don't… I don't know. -[audience member] Woo!
Nobody knows.
Yeah, with him, there is no knowing.
You know?
Just ask Nicolás Maduro.
Former president of Venezuela
and current inmate of New York City.
Yeah, he was president of Venezuela.
And then all of a sudden, he wasn't.
The story is even crazier.
What happened was… And you can go check this yourself.
What happened was
Nicolás Maduro was on TV giving an interview,
and then he joked about how people are threatening him,
alluding to Donald Trump.
And he was like, "Man, I'll be fine. We'll be good."
And then he played a song. No War, Just Peace.
And then he started mocking Trump
by doing Donald Trump's dance move.
Like, the move, singular.
Right? Yeah, he did the move. So he came on, then he did the…
You know the move, the double jerk-off.
And Trump saw that, and he was like, "Go get that man."
"Go get that man."
Military went, got Maduro, brought him in, put him in a jail.
Not just any prison, by the way. They put him in a prison in Brooklyn.
The same prison where they are housing Diddy.
Imagine that!
I thought I had problems.
Nicolás Maduro, that… I mean, he's having… Hooh!
Imagine the irony of his situation.
He was witnessing America
rolling out the most brutal deportation campaign ever.
And in the midst of that,
you're the one immigrant they import.
[laughter]
[applause]
[whooping]
Maduro was probably the only immigrant who supports ICE.
He used his one phone call for them.
He's like, "Hello, ICE, come get me, man. Come get me."
"Yeah. No. Come on. I'll fly myself. Let's work together."
"Come on. We can do this, guys. We can do this"
That's why I say you don't know how it's gonna go.
Nobody knows anymore.
What a crazy twist of fate. Can you imagine?
For decades,
you ruled your empire with an iron fist.
You terrorized people around you.
You were violent, never held accountable.
And now, they've taken away all your oil,
and you're in the same prison as Nicolás Maduro.
[laughter and applause]
[cheering]
Ain't that a bitch?
The one silver lining of this whole situation
is that now would be
the perfect time for an alien invasion.
There's no good time. I think we can all agree on that.
But if I had to pick a time, I would say this is the best time.
Yeah.
'Cause if aliens invade, it's not gonna be good for us.
We… we know we don't stand a chance.
They can travel through space-time. Our weapons mean nothing.
We're probably just gonna annoy them with our guns. Pew-pew, pew-pew!
They're gonna get here. We've seen how it turns out, right?
They fly in. They're gonna blow everything up.
We've watched Independence Day. We know how this happens. Right?
Yeah, and even if Will Smith helps, he can only slap, like, one at a time, you know?
So what do we do?
I think about it all the time.
Genuinely. I think about alien invasions all the time.
It is… it is my Roman Empire.
Like, what are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?
I never used to think about this.
When I lived in South Africa, this was nowhere in my mind,
but in America, it's a real thing.
Yeah, 'cause when aliens come, this is where they're gonna come.
They're gonna fly here.
They come straight to Washington, D.C. Blow up the White House.
[mimics explosion]
Then they go to other countries. You know? They go to London, blow up Big Ben.
[mimics explosion] "You know what time it is!"
Then they fly to other landmarks, blow everything up.
I know. It's an issue. America first. I get it.
Yeah.
When I was in South Africa, this is something I never thought about, ever.
Because I knew when aliens invade, they're gonna go.
They're gonna blow up the world, but the one place they don't go is Africa.
Yeah. You've seen the movies.
They never invade Africa.
I used to watch those movies. I'd wait.
In the movie, the president would be like, "Citizens of Earth,
aliens are invading our planet."
Then you'd see the aliens invade. Wha-baw, wha-baw, wha-baw.
You'd be like, "Wait, I guess Africa's not on the planet? What is happening?"
They never invade it. Can you think of a single movie where they invaded Africa?
-[audience member] District 9! -No. What?
-[audience member] District 9! -District 9?
-No. -[laughter]
Screw you for trying to mess up my special.
Sitting up there in the balcony like a king.
"District 9, I tell you."
"Off with his head."
No. District 9, it's a good attempt, but no.
If you remember the plot of District 9, the aliens didn't invade Africa.
The aliens crash-landed in Africa.
And then they spent the rest of the movie trying to escape.
'Cause we don't mess around.
[laughter, cheering, and applause]
[sighs]
Hollywood is so messed up.
Like, "What's the worst thing that could happen to aliens?"
"What if they were trapped in Africa?"
Aliens never invade… They don't invade Africa. They never did.
I used to think it was because they felt bad for us.
Yeah, 'cause as a kid, I used to love watching those movies.
I still love watching them now.
But as a kid, I loved those movies.
Anything with aliens, I was there.
And my mom, she would… she would give me, like…
she would make me a big bowl of popcorn at home,
and we would sit on the couch together,
and she'd watch all of those movies with me.
Not… She hated them, but it said "parental guidance,"
and she took that very seriously.
One day she was walking past, and then it was like,
"We recommend parental guidance for this film."
She was like, "I've got to watch this," and she did it every movie going forward.
I would have to run and call her sometimes.
A show would just start randomly on TV. It'd be like "parent…" I'd be like, "Mom!"
She'd come in, and I'd be like, "I need you to guide me!"
But then five minutes in, I feel like I was guiding my parental.
She would sit there, the whole movie, she'd be like,
"What's happening, Trevor? Who are they? Why are they doing this? What's going on?"
I'd be like, "Mom, I'm with you. I started this movie with you."
So she'd make me, like, a big bowl of popcorn,
and we'd sit there, and the movie would start.
The alien invasion, they'd be like, "Aliens are invading Earth."
The aliens would fly in. You'd see them blowing everything up.
And I'd be there with my popcorn, like, "Mm-mm-mm-mm, first world problems."
"Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm."
I… I genuinely thought, I was a little kid,
if you ask, "How come you never see them in Africa?
I was like, "Because they feel bad." I thought the aliens felt bad for Africa.
You know, there'd be the ship that would fly over each continent to blow it up.
Then there would be one over the African continent,
two aliens in the cockpit, like, "Brr-brr."
[robotic voice] "Prepare to launch photon lasers."
"Ready on your command."
"Three, two, one."
"Wait, wait, wait, hold on. I think we already did this continent."
"I think we've been here."
"Negative, we've never been here before. Blow it up."
"What am I blowing up? Look at this shit. Something already happened."
"What the hell's going on, dude? What am I supposed to blow up?"
"Who did this?" "I don't know. Checking now." Beep-beep.
"It says it was the British."
[laughter and applause]
[normal voice] Yeah!
Take that, Great Britain.
#NeverForget.
Those alien movies, man,
they made my day, but they terrified me.
'Cause every time it didn't go well, the aliens fly in, they conquer the Earth.
We win by luck 'cause it's a movie, but in real life, I don't know.
It's not good. We have no chance.
If aliens invade, we have no hope.
Or at least we had no hope.
Now there is.
And it goes by the name
Donald J. Trump.
Whoever he may be.
[raucous laughter]
[cheering and applause]
I don't like it, but I… but I think it's the only way.
Yeah.
As soon as the alien invasion begins, we know how it starts.
It's gonna be that giant mothership that flies into our orbit.
That massive thing that blocks out the sun.
"Bahhhhh!"
They have a giant speaker under the ship that plays the music.
It creates the ambiance.
Yeah, there's one alien playing a little organ.
He's like, "They're not ready for this one, B!"
"Bahhhhh!"
"Ha-ha, yeah!"
"Bahhhhh!"
And then they park the ship outside,
and they send a scout ship down to give us the bad news.
The one that lands… [trills tongue] They come out.
[robotic voice] "Take me to your leader."
[normal voice] They meet the leader, kill the leader, and then it's done.
They normally pick the most annoying alien for that job.
Right? You gotta be a specific type of entitled
to believe you can speak to the leader. Who are you?
On the alien ship, they'll normally pick the Karen alien.
They'll be like, "All right." Chatting to each other, like,
"Who are we gonna send down to this planet?"
"Listen, Karen, she's the best for this."
"Karen, you're going down."
"Oh my God, why is it always me? I hate this so much."
"You guys are always sending me. I wanna speak to the manager."
"She's perfect."
They send that alien down and give us the bad news.
With Trump, we have hope,
but we have to act quick, people. Real quick.
As soon as they tell us the aliens are here,
NASA tells us they've reached our orbit, we act together as a planet.
And what we need to do is we make Donald Trump
king of the world.
I see some of you are confused. The good news is he won't ask any questions.
All right? We go to the White House.
We're like, "Mr. Trump, you are now king of the world."
He'll be like, "I knew it. I knew it!"
We give him a little Burger King crown, then we wait for the aliens outside.
Aliens land. They come out.
That one is just like, "Brr-brr. Take me to your leader."
We're like, "Yes, welcome to Earth. Come on. Come meet the leader."
"Take me now." "Of course. We're gonna take you there."
"You're looking good. You on Ozempic? You're looking great."
"Come on, come meet the leader." We get to the White House,
and we're like, "King Trump, this is the alien."
"Alien, this is King Trump."
"Brr-bah-beep. Are you the ruler of this planet?"
He'll be like… [imitating Trump] "That's right."
"I'm the ruler of this planet."
"Planet Earth, or as I call her,
Big Blue."
"Beautiful, beautiful Blue, floating up in space."
"She's up there spinning around, spinning around,
spinning so fast."
"You know, they say we're spinning. I never felt it."
"I never felt it, but they say we're spinning."
"We're spinning around, folks, spinning so fast."
"And we're up there in space."
"We got a beautiful axis right through the middle of the planet."
"A big, beautiful, long axis. They don't make axises like that anymore."
"They really don't. They really don't."
"And we got that axis, and it's tilted, you know, it's tilted."
"If I was in charge, I would've straightened it right out."
"Right out."
"But that's okay, that's okay."
"Thanks, Obama."
"And it's up there floating up in space. A beautiful planet, beautiful Blue."
"We got a tiny moon. Did you see the moon? Beautiful moon."
"A beautiful moon. Looks like a nipple on a boob."
"That's what it looks like. Like one boob floating in space."
"Should be two. I always say two boobs better than one."
"Better than one, but one better than none."
"Can I say boobs? I said it, folks. I said boobs."
"And I'm the ruler of this planet."
"What do you want? What do you need? What can I do for you?"
They'd be like, "Brr-bah-beep. Sorry, we didn't know it was already invaded."
"Boo-boo-bee-bee."
-[laughter and applause] -"Bee-boo-bree-beep."
[cheering and applause]
And that's how we survive.
Be honest, we wouldn't be shocked if we found out he was an alien.
I actually think we'd be relieved.
You know, people are like, "Oh my God, that explains it."
Yeah, if two aliens that looked exactly like him,
like a mom and dad version of him came down, and they land on the planet.
[robotic Trump voice] "Ah, help us, we left our son here many decades ago."
"Where's our baby? Where's our baby?"
[normal voice] We'd be like, "Come on, come on. Come get your baby."
'Cause he is, man, he's out of this world."
[light chuckling]
[sighs] And now,
we are living through history.
-Do you ever think about that? -[audience members] Yeah.
Like, we are all living through history.
And not like history like just time that passed.
'Cause there's that boring history, like, "And then the people settled here."
Bor… Yeah, whatever.
I'm talking about history history, where some shit happened.
When you read the books, you're like, "What was it like back then?"
We're in the back then.
That's all of us.
My history's terrible now, I've realized.
Because they record everything that is said at the White House.
It is kept for posterity.
All right? So that means in, like, 300 years,
there'll be scholars studying old presidents and the White House,
and they'll be like, "What was it like 300 years ago?"
You're like, "I don't know, but the Grammys host was terrible."
"Yes, a total loser, apparently."
"And a bunny was performing at the Super Bowl, also terrible."
-"Absolutely terrible. What a time." -[cheering and applause]
You know, the we… the weird thing about living through history is
it's so much less predictable when you are the one doing it.
Like, when you read history, or when we're taught history,
it is often presented as if it was inevitable.
You read the stories,
you assume that is how they would've always ended
because that's how they ended.
Like, if I asked most people,
"Do you think the Nazis will always lose the war?"
They'd be like, "Yeah, of course."
And yet, at the time,
the people who were fighting the war thought the Nazis were going to win.
There was a moment when it seemed like it was in their favor.
When you're in history, it's a completely different gambit.
Like whenever I'm in Washington, D.C.,
I like to go and visit the National Museum of African American History and Culture.
-[cheering and applause] -And…
if you've never been,
let me tell you, it is one of the most profound experiences
you will ever have in your life.
It is… it is a museum unlike any other I've ever been to for a few reasons.
You know?
One is it is… it is as complete a telling as is possible
of Black history in America, which is history.
But it's a history that's often not told. You go to this building,
and unlike other museums, you can't choose your own adventure.
Normally, you walk in a museum and it's like, "Dinosaurs or space?"
"You pick."
There, they curate your moving through time.
And so when you get to the museum,
you start at the very beginning of Black people in America,
and then it moves all the way through to the present day. Right?
It starts underground, literally, you go underground,
and then it starts with slavery, spoiler alert.
And they move you, move you, move you through time,
and then you get to the end, and then there's Oprah.
That… that museum, truly,
it'll make you ask every question of yourself.
I was there on my most recent trip,
and I was walking through the… the beginning level.
And it's underground, and it's chattel slavery,
the transatlantic slave trade, and then the Underground Railroad.
And so it's an emotional ride as well.
You know, it's painful, it's oppression,
and then there's… there's this moment where you can see
people rising up and fighting for what they believe in, overcoming.
And because it's so engaging,
you see people experiencing it in a different way.
There were these two kids next to me,
maybe 14 years old,
and they were having a conversation I was eavesdropping on.
One turns to the other, and he's like,
"Yo, man, what would you have done if you was around back then?"
"Would you've been a slave?" He's like, "What?"
He's like, "Nah, they woulda had the wrong one, man."
"Yo, I woulda cooked they ass. You trying to make me a slave?"
He's like, "You cappin'." He's like, "For real, I woulda cooked they ass."
They're laughing and engaging.
I was like, either this is the delusion of youth,
which is necessary for a revolution, or that's who they would be.
Either way, it didn't matter.
What I loved is that they were asking the question.
Who will you be when history calls?
Because of them, I found myself asking the question, and…
honestly, I think I need to work on my self-esteem
because I came up with nothing as heroic.
If you asked me, "Trevor, what would you do during slavery?"
I'd be like, "I would have worked really hard
and seen what happened."
I… I don't think I would've been a hero. I… I… I don't have it.
I'm impressed by people who say,
"If I was around, if I was in the store when they robbed it, I would've…"
I don't have that in me.
Like, I would be in the field, and I'd be working hard,
and I'd be minding my own business.
The guy on the horse would be like, "You better pick that goddamn cotton."
I'd be like, "Yes, master. I's picking this cotton."
"I's picking away, master."
But as soon as he rides away, I'd light his ass up.
Oh, I would… I would roast him to bits.
I'd be like, "That dumbass."
[speaking American-accented gibberish]
"Is he back? No." [continues speaking gibberish]
[normal voice] But I don't think I would've been a hero.
Yeah, a real hero would've showed up. Like, Harriet Tubman would show up.
She'd be like, "'Psst, yo, Trev."
I'd be like, "Oh, hi, Harriet."
"How you doin'?"
"I'm doin' shit."
"Oh no, what happened?"
"Slavery happened. What you mean 'What happened?' boy?"
"You stupid?"
"Of course, I shouldn't have asked. Anyway, what's going on, Harriet?"
"I just came to let you know
that we leavin' tonight."
"Who's we?"
"All of us, Trevor. We're gettin' outta here."
"We're goin', baby."
"Oh yeah, Harriet, the guy on the horse says we shouldn't leave."
"He really doesn't like it when we leave."
"I… think he has, like, separation anxiety or something."
"He should see someone about that."
"But he said--" "I don't give a shit what he said."
"We gettin' outta here."
"What, you gonna stay?"
"Yeah, I think I'll stay and just, you know, see how it goes."
"See how it goes? What's wrong wit' you?"
"You not comin'?" "No, I'm not gonna come."
"I can't believe you."
"You light skins is all the same."
[laughter and applause]
"What?" "Yeah."
"You scared, ain't ya?"
"You a scared little bitch."
"I am a bitch, Harriet. I cannot lie. I'm a… I'm a scared little bitch."
"Look at you, scared little bitch."
"You almost as bad as Jimmy Kimmel."
[laughter and applause]
[cheering]
Huh…
Um, sorry, sometimes I do jokes just for me. I'm sorry.
Oh man.
Everyone was asking themselves the question.
Everyone.
One of… one of the most unique encounters I experienced happened
when, um, there was a group of… a group of white people
who were standing at the exhibit.
And, uh, they were very, very liberal white people, right?
Like very liberal white…
Like very, very liberal white people.
Like, they were feeling it more than the Black people there. They were…
[exhales deeply]
To show how much they were feeling it, there was a moment where
some of the Black people who were walking around the exhibit, right?
There's Black people walking, and there's white people
'cause everyone can go, right? And… and so…
The Black people there were living what I would consider
the full Black experience, which is being a human being.
So some people were crying, then they were talking to their friends,
sharing stories, recounting, laughing, et cetera.
And one person laughed,
was talking to their friends, like, "Ha-ha-ha, yeah."
And then the woman, there was a white woman here,
the leader of the crew, she turned at that laugh,
she was like, "Ha-ha!" And she was like, "Sh."
[scoffs]
That's how liberal they were.
Just when I thought she couldn't top that, she was looking at a photograph,
one of the first pictures that's ever really been taken.
And it was a picture of a white man on a plantation,
standing there, smiling, standing in a field,
just like smiling in the picture.
This woman is standing, looking at the picture, and she's like,
"I… I…"
[inhales shakily]
"If was there
when that was happening,
I swear to God, if I was there when that was happening,
I would've never smiled!"
You know when a sentence has the exact conclusion you did not predict?
This was… I thought she was going, "If I was there, I would've fought."
"I would've freed. I would have…" No, no, no.
She's like, "I would've had slaves, but I wouldn't have enjoyed it."
Just be crying, "I'm so sorry this is happening to you."
"I'm so sorry. Dust behind the couch as well."
"But yeah, I'm so sorry. I can't."
It was… it was really, really something, you know?
You move through that level. I was there more than an hour.
At the end of it, I was so taken by the question that I was asking myself,
"Who will you be when history calls?"
that I texted one of my best friends, David Meyer.
He's actually the first American I ever became friends with.
He came to South Africa by chance 20 years ago,
was on, like, a school project.
We met by chance, became friends by chance,
and he convinced me to come to America and do comedy,
which I had never planned. The rest is history.
We've been friends since that day, right?
-[applause] -And yeah, it's this beautiful story.
And also, our… our… our lives are so different.
He's this 6'5", lanky white boy from North Carolina, right?
Sweetest guy ever, super sincere.
And because of that, I love… I love playing pranks on him.
And as we left that exhibit, I texted him,
and I was like, "Yo, Dave, I need to ask you a favor."
And he responded, "Yo, dude, what's up?"
And I said,
"If slavery comes back,
do you promise to have me as one of your slaves
and treat me really well?"
And then he responded, he was like, "Dude, whaaaaat?"
And I said, "Do you promise to have me as your slave
and treat me very well?"
He was like, "What are you talking about?"
And I said, "Yes or no?"
And then I just saw the little dots, and it was like typing,
typing,
typing, typing,
typing,
typing, typing.
And then he called me. Bzzzz! Bzzzz!
I was like, "What's up?" He's like, "What are you talking about?"
"What is happening? What do you mean slavery?"
I was like, "I just wanna know from you, Dave, if slavery comes back,
do you promise to have me as one of your slaves and treat me well?"
He's like, "Dude, no. What do you mean? Slavery is not coming back."
I was, "That's what they said about Ghostbusters. Answer the question."
"Will you or will you not have me as one of…" He's like, "No, dude, no, no."
"No, I would never have you as one of my slaves."
"Dude, I would never own slaves, like enslaved people, actually."
"I would never have enslaved people. I don't think that's right."
I was, "Save your sanctimonious bullshit."
"I wanna know if you would have me and treat me well."
He's like, "No, I would never do that." I was like, "Oh, okay, I see."
"So you're just gonna let me be somebody else's slave, huh"
"Slavery comes back, and now, they catch me, they're busy whipping me."
"Now I'm Django out in these streets, huh? Yeah?"
"I'm getting whipped because my best friend wouldn't use his white privilege
to help by making me one of his slaves so that we could hang out, huh?"
"I'm in a field. I could be with you in the house playing PlayStation, Dave."
"We could be in Call of Duty, in Verdansk, like the good old days."
"But no, you wanna be so woke
that I get whipped by another white person."
He's like, "No." I was like, "You want me to be a slave?"
"You want me to be whipped, don't you?" He's like, "No, okay."
"Okay, fine, dude."
"If slavery came back, yeah, I'd have you as one of my slaves,
and treat you well."
I was like, "Aha! So you would have slaves."
[laughter and applause]
I was like, "All right, I gotta go." He's like, 'No!"
He still hasn't forgiven me.
[chuckles]
[sighs]
Who will you be when history calls?
So much easier when it's hypothetical.
As you move from one exhibit to the next,
you move through Reconstruction,
Jim Crow,
you get to the Civil Rights Movement.
And it's impressive on its own,
but… but because it has now been 60 years
since the "I Have a Dream speech,"
they've expanded the part of the exhibit
that looks at Dr. Martin Luther King's life.
And you get to see his writings,
his thoughts, his journals,
his letters to other people, his letters to the public,
his… his correspondences with his friends,
interviews, you name it.
Like, you see his life in a detail that I think very few of us ever have.
And… I… I don't wanna speak for everyone,
but I feel like when we're taught about MLK,
it's a really sanitized, flat version of his life.
Do you know what I mean? It seems really simple and inevitable.
Whenever you're taught the story, it's like, "There was a man named MLK."
"He didn't like what was happening, and he marched on a bridge,
he had a dream, and he lived happily ever after."
"Happy MLK Day, 50% off your mattress."
But… but when you… when you see his life, it's not like that.
'Cause that, like… Genuinely, when people talk about it,
there'll be the "Happy MLK Day!"
It… it almost sounds like a Disney movie. It has the same plot as a Disney movie.
It's just like, "This summer," you know,
"One man, one dream changed the world."
"I have a dream!"
"Timothée Chalamet is Martin Luther King."
"Only on Disney+."
That's how it feels.
But when you see his life laid out…
I mean the minutiae of his days.
The things that he and the people around him were experiencing.
He was arrested somewhere around like 29 times
over the course of like four years.
Trumped up charges.
Sometimes he was left in a jail cell by himself,
wasn't given food, wasn't given a phone call, nothing.
Sometimes he was beaten, sometimes they just, like…
You see this man's life in detail.
They chased him out of towns.
The federal government came after him.
J. Edgar Hoover himself, the head of the FBI,
designated Martin Luther King as the most dangerous man in America.
And then the FBI ran a concerted campaign to destroy him.
They try and break up his friendships and working relationships,
and the most sinister thing they did was they tapped his phones,
and they found out that he was having an affair.
They phoned his wife, Coretta Scott King, and they snitched on him
because they thought that that would destroy his marriage
and destroy the movement.
Yeah.
The FBI tried
to dish gossip on Martin Luther King.
Totally changes how you see the organization.
Right? FBI seems so serious.
Now you get the real picture.
They're in that J. Edgar Hoover building in the morning.
"What are you working on, Kowalski?" "Drug enforcement, sir."
"What about you?"
"Sir, criminal crimes, specifically financial."
"And you?" [singsong] "Drama!"
You see everything that happened to MLK, everything.
Some internal 'cause he writes about it,
some external because people are observing.
One of the sections that really lays out what it was like is a four-year stretch
where Dr. King and other Black people would try to go and get served
in restaurants that were segregating Black people
and weren't allowing them to get food.
They would walk into the restaurants, they would sit down, dressed to the nines,
and they would get denied service.
They would get kicked out, they would get cursed at, spat on.
Oftentimes, they were beaten.
Leave with concussions, bleeding.
They'd go home, wash up, come back, do it again.
Go home, wash up, do it again. Go home, wash up, do it again.
Now when we talk about it, we go,
"They did the right thing. Look how it turned out."
Yes, but when you read his life, you go, "It wasn't inevitable."
There was no guarantee that it was gonna work.
There was no sign that it was working.
And yet, they persevered.
When I was looking through his life and reading his works,
I was like, "Was there ever a moment when he regretted?"
Was there ever a moment when he regretted what he had gone through,
what he was doing?
Like when he tasted white people's food for the first time?
[laughter and applause]
You realize, until that point, it was theoretical, right?
Black people had never been served.
They only wished to be served in these establishments.
But they had never eaten there.
They'd sit down at the counter, and the owner would be like, "Goddamn it!"
"I don't want your kind around here! Get outta here, boy!"
And he'd be like… [as King] "My brother, I have a dream."
"I have a dream that one day, regardless of the color of our skin,
all people will be allowed to sit here,
our brothers and sisters, Black and white alike,
and America will come good on its promise that all men are created equal."
"I have a dream that one day--" "Oh, shut up!"
"You've won. They changed the laws. Look at the TV."
"Here's your food."
Fff! Fff!
"Thank you very much."
"Oh shit."
"Now I have a new dream."
"I have a new dream that one day white people will discover seasoning."
"I have a dream that they will no longer consider black pepper to be a spice."
"I have a dream we will all come together
to defeat the real white devil,
mayonnaise."
[laughter and applause]
Can you imagine how awkward it must've been?
That first walk after that first meal.
Martin and his boys walking into the parking lot.
Dead quiet.
"For this shit, Martin?"
"I'm so sorry, fellas. I didn't know."
"Goddamn it, Martin! You had them whippin' our ass for this shit?"
"Did you taste that food?" "I thought it was delicious."
"That's why I thought they were blocking us. I apologize."
"I'm so sorry, fellas. My bad."
"Goddamn it, Martin. That shit tastes like depression, man!"
"Is this the shit we've been fighting for?"
"I'm so sorry, everybody. I'll make it up to y'all."
"I'll buy everybody Popeyes on the way home."
[sighs]
Who will you be
when history calls?
[audience member laughs screechily]
Thank you.
[laughter and scattered applause]
[audience members whooping]
You know, the… the conundrum of life is
that just because the big is happening
doesn't mean that the small stops.
Just because the big is happening doesn't mean that the small stops.
-[applause] -You know?
It's one of the conundrums of life.
How much of the big do you focus on,
and how much of the small do you pay any heed?
It was captured perfect for me.
There was an exchange that I saw online between two people.
Someone posted, "Just graduated, really excited, got straight A's,
party at my house, everyone's invited."
It was a joke, obviously. Not everyone's…
'Cause the Internet, not everyone's invited.
And then people started posting.
Then someone jumped in the comments and was like, "Really?"
"Throwing a party at a time like this?"
"Read the room. Look around you. Is now the time to be celebrating?"
"This is not the time to throw parties when we're at…"
This whole thing, it devolved into a huge fight.
I'll be honest with you.
I could actually see where both people were coming from.
Emotionally, I… I… I got it.
On the one hand, someone was saying, "How can you throw a celebration
at a time when it feels like the world as we know it has fallen apart?"
"How can you be joyous
when it looks like every norm and institution we have understood
that makes up the fabric of society is falling apart?"
"Our public trust is falling apart. Our trust in each other is…"
"How can you throw a party?"
But the other person was saying, "How can I not?"
"I have lived and worked my entire life to get to this place."
"I have finally achieved it against all odds,
and so for this moment, I wish to enjoy."
And both are right. Right?
-Both… both are right. -[applause]
In every hospital around the world, there's a ward
where a baby has just been born
and another where somebody has just died.
Jubilation at the start of a new life.
Despair at the loss of someone you've always loved.
Neither ward incorrect.
But then which one do you focus on?
I got… I got an answer for myself in one of the most random places. I…
I was reading a book.
There was accounts from soldiers who served during, uh, World War I,
and they were talking to veterans who had been there at the time.
And they… they were… This book goes through their experiences.
And lot of them talk about the trench warfare,
which was some of the worst warfare man has ever invented.
All right? It went on for years and years and years.
These soldiers would cycle in and cycle out.
Every day could've been their last.
And in the midst of all of this despair,
there's one common thread that you see with every single soldier they speak to,
almost every single one.
And that is that they found their joy in the trenches.
They have these moments where they host card games,
and they play around.
They… they… they had a satirical newspaper that they started.
They'd make jokes about their commanding officers
and what was happening in the war and each other, and…
and one of… one of the wildest things I read was
there was a day when a cow walked into the battlefield.
It was in no-man's-land.
It was perfectly between the Allies and the Axis.
So it was like both sides wanted the cow,
and then they shouted across to the Germans.
They said, "We want the cow." The Germans were like, "Ve vant ze cow."
They agreed. They said, "Let's play a game."
"We'll throw up coins in the air, and we'll try to shoot them."
"Whoever hits the coin gets to keep the cow."
And then the English soldiers shot the coin,
and then the Germans were like, "Okay, you win the cow,
but we'd like our coins back."
The English soldier went, got the coins, was like, "They're gonna kill me."
Got the coins, gave them to the Germans, then ran back and got in the trenches.
Then everyone was like, "Fun game!"
You… Like, it's littered with stories.
There were stories of soldiers singing to each other
on evenings, randomly.
They would sing across enemy lines at the other soldiers,
and the other soldiers would sing back.
Can you imagine that? You're in a trench.
Your feet are rotting. Everyone's tired, scared.
In the midst of that, all of a sudden, someone's like…
♪ Say you… ♪
[laughter and applause]
[cheering]
They found their joy in the trenches.
And I… It hit me because it made me realize
they remembered what they were fighting for.
They were fighting to live. They weren't fighting to fight.
If you forget what you're fighting for, then there's no point in fighting.
You're fighting to be joyous, you're fighting to explore yourself.
-[applause] -You're fighting to have adventures.
You're fighting to laugh. You're fighting… You don't just fight to fight.
You're fighting to live.
Just because the big is happening
doesn't mean that the small stops.
[cheering and applause]
My therapist told me that I am undateable.
[enthusiastic laughter]
Yeah.
In session, she turned to me and she said,
"Trevor, I think it is because you are undateable."
I was like, "Huh, I guess you also didn't like the Grammys."
She told me this at the end of a session, which I feel like should be illegal.
Right? Well, therapists will drop a bomb on you at the end of a session
and expect you to wait.
Like, "That's why your father could never love you."
"You're like, "What?" "We've run out of time."
"I'll see you next time." "No!"
"No, next video, next video!"
"I don't want to wait a week. I want Netflix therapy, not HBO!"
I had to wait two weeks, and in my next session,
I was like, "Where were we? Let's go." I was like, "Yeah, skip recap."
"Let's go, let's go, let's go."
And she was like, "Trevor, I was thinking about you and relationships."
We were talking about my inability to be in a long-term relationship.
I was trying to understand why, and we're delving into it.
She said, "I think it's because you are undateable."
Then she broke it down for me. She said, "There are a few reasons."
Um… "I think you work too much. You love your work, but you work too much,
and that doesn't create a good balance in your life."
Um, she said, "Also, you, uh, travel too much,
and being in the same place is crucial for building a solid relationship."
"Uh, but I'll be honest with you, those things are really just the side dish."
Right? The main course and the real issue I have
is, as my therapist put it,
I have an inability
to not say what is in my head.
And she taught me that one of the keys
to a long, successful relationship
is knowing when to think
and when to speak.
Yeah.
I was like, "I don't have that problem. I'm a good communicator."
She's like, "No, Trevor, you… oftentimes, you have thoughts,
and you immediately say them."
"You have the thought, and it comes out your mouth."
And Trump was like, "Tell him, girl."
I was like, "I don't know. I don't think I have that as a problem."
She's like, "No, I've got notes. Hold on. I've got some notes."
She's pulled out the notes. "Let's go through some examples."
And there was one example that really, yeah, it… you…
She was right. Um…
It happened with an ex-girlfriend of mine.
It was the fracture that led to the end of the relationship, really.
It wasn't the moment, but that fracture caused the outcome.
We were… we were getting ready for bed.
It was an innocuous night,
brushing our teeth, getting into the covers.
Before we turned off the lights, we started talking to each other,
and we got really cozy.
You know those moments with the person you love,
and you… you just find yourself in a rabbit hole
of stories you've never told and feelings you've never shared,
and you're laughing, and you're gigg… You can feel you're falling more in love.
And we're lying there on the pillows, looking at each other,
and she's there staring at me.
[laughter]
All of a sudden, she's like, "Hey, um…
can I ask you a question?"
I was like, "Yeah."
"Yeah, of course."
She's like,
"If you could change one thing about me…"
[audience groaning]
"…what would you change?"
Now I have since learned…
[laughter]
…that there is a correct answer to this question.
Uh… and yes, one correct answer.
Regardless of how unique your relationship is,
if you want to win this game-show question,
the answer you give, if she says to you, if there's a woman in your life,
and she says, "If there's one thing you could change, what would you change?"
The correct answer is…
[Trevor and audience] Nothing.
Uh-huh. Yes. I wish you were all there with me that night.
Yes.
The correct answer is, "Nothing."
You say, "Nothing, babe. I would change nothing about you
because everything you are makes you perfect for me."
"If anything… Can I be honest?"
"I would change myself."
"I would change myself
so that I would be better able to receive the love you so freely give."
-"That is what I would change." -[cheering and applause]
That's the unabridged answer, should you wish to use it.
Yeah.
That is not the answer I gave.
Nope. I said what was in my head.
She looked at me, she said,
"If you could change one thing about me,
what would you change?"
And I was like, "Oh, one thing."
"Oof. One thing."
"Oh, one thing, one thing."
"Wow, that's a tough one. One thing."
"Only one." [groans]
"Okay, let me think. Hold on. Let me think."
"If it's only one thing, what would I change?"
"What would I change? Okay, okay. Um… I think I got it."
"If I could change only one thing about you,
I would change how you communicate
during sex."
And she was like, "What?!"
Yeah, and then it snowballed.
I… I know I was wrong, so please don't judge me.
I know I was wrong, and I'm working on it.
I'll explain to you what was going through my head, all right?
What happened that night, uh…
is, first of all, I thought it was a real question. Okay?
Secondly, secondly,
I was trying to express a feeling that I had,
and that feeling was a confusion that I would often have,
and sometimes a frustration,
when my girlfriend and I would be getting intimate.
We'd be in an intimate setting, and she would say…
I'm not trying to be lewd.
She would be like, "Oh, I'm gonna come, I'm gonna come, I'm gonna come." Right?
Which, by the way, ladies, is the greatest phrase you can ever say to a man,
like ever, ever, ever.
There is nothing a man wants to hear more in his life than that sentence.
You say that sentence, we have reached the pinnacle of manhood.
We have achieved. We have arrived.
Yes, you say that, and we're like, "Me Tarzan."
It's… it's done. It's done.
And it is so powerful on us, ladies,
that we will… we will reach a level of our masculinity
that we didn't even know we possessed.
You say that to us, and we'll become stronger.
We will overcome things we couldn't. Our fatigue goes out the window.
Yeah, yeah, we forget about that cramp.
We, like, any situation,
like, sometimes, sometimes, we can't breathe, you know?
Sometimes we can't breathe.
Sometimes our nose is blocked, and…
And what we're doing at that time is we're moving from breath to breath, right?
So we're doing our thing, we're doing our thing,
and then when we run out of air, we, like a whale breaching,
we'll… we'll pop up, "Bahhh,"
and then we'll dive back into the depths of your pleasure, right?
And this is fine.
It's a rhythm that every man has figured out for themselves, right?
But ladies, understand we are going from breath to breath.
And when you say, "I'm going to come,"
we then go, "This is not the time to breathe."
"This is my calling."
"I have but one breath, and I shall use it well."
And so we hold it, and we keep going,
we keep going, we keep going,
and we try to get you there.
Now, the thing I didn't know at the time was, when my ex would say the phrase,
"I'm going to come,"
what she actually meant was,
"The action you're performing on me is quite pleasurable,
and I would like you to continue."
"Please continue exactly what you are doing right now
at the same cadence and preferably same pressure."
"Don't get excited 'cause I said that phrase."
"Don't switch things up."
"Just do exactly what you are doing now
'cause you're on the right track."
"You got this, champ. Keep going."
"Before, you were all over the place, but this is it."
"If you do this, there's a good chance
that I am going to reach my climax."
"So you keep going, buddy. You got this."
"I believe in you. You're getting warmer."
That's what she meant.
Right? But you gotta understand that's confusing.
That's confusing, ladies, right, because you're saying this thing.
"I'm going to come."
And I understand now, like, fellas, when women say, "I'm going to come,"
they're saying it the way a person at a bus stop would say,
"The bus is going to come." Right?
They mean you are at the correct location for a bus to coincide with yourself.
This is where the bus will come to.
But the when is the issue.
The when is where we are not connecting.
Because, ladies, men, we are quite literal about this.
When women are saying it, it's theoretical.
"I'm going to come,"
it just means that this is the right direction.
Going could be three minutes.
She could come in 15 minutes.
It could be her next relationship.
Nobody knows.
But you gotta understand, ladies, we're not breathing.
We're not breathing. We're holding our breath.
We are at our limit. You need breath to live.
This is probably why men live on average ten years younger than women
because of all the breaths we've missed waiting for this to happen.
There's nothing wrong with it not happening.
We didn't know because we're a lot more literal.
We're simple creatures, men. It is what it is.
Like a dog. "Where's the ball? There's the ball."
When men say, "I'm going to come,"
it means that the come is going.
[raucous laughter]
The moment is imminently upon you, ladies. That is what I mean.
When a man says, "I'm going to come,"
this is the time.
There is no other.
There is no ad break you can take. There is no pause you can make.
The come is happening in this moment.
You cannot blink.
You step in the road, the bus will hit you.
The bus is there now. The bus is there right now.
You'll be like, "Where's the bus?" There's the bus.
When he says, "I'm going to come," that is it.
That is… Sometimes we already have. I'm not gonna lie.
Sometimes it's already happened. I'm gonna be honest.
Sometimes it's already happened, and we were trying to not,
and then we're like a kid snitching on ourselves.
We just mess up the tense.
"Mommy, I'm going to break something in the kitchen."
It's already broken.
That's why the worst thing you can say at that moment, ladies, is, "Not yet."
No, yet has already occurred!
Yet has concluded.
Now our manhood has been crushed with this tiny little phrase.
You say, "Not yet," and then we're like, "Uh…"
And then we try, but you cannot. It's finished.
It's fading away. We know it is.
We go, "I'm gonna do it anyway." "What do you mean?"
"I'm doing it anyway." "I can't believe you wouldn't wait."
"I'm a man. I do whatever I want. You can't tell me when I should."
"So you don't care about me?" "I don't…" [rambles nonsensically]
And that's why I'm still single.
Yo, D.C., you guys have been amazing, man.
-Thank you so much for coming out tonight. -[cheering and applause]
Thank you for coming.
Have a wonderful evening.
Good night.
["Mestefeker feat. Bruck Tesfaye" by Arat Kilo playing]
[soulful brass music]
[lyrics in Amharic]