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Live from the Netflix is a Joke Festival,
welcome to A Really Bad Idea.

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It's The Roast of Kevin Hart.

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And Philly is definitely in the house.

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Please welcome the roundest thing
on tires, Shane Gillis.

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Welcome to The Roast of Kevin Hart,
live in Los Angeles,

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where we're… Yeah.

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Where we're here
to celebrate a guy we used to like

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in a city that was once important.

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Kevin will be out in a minute.

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I'm sure he's
backstage fucking shadowboxing,

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or doing a group prayer
or whatever the fuck he does.

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I'm your extremely
white host, Shane Gillis.

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Yeah.

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White hosts, yeah.
Big applause, all right.

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I'd, uh… I'd just like
to thank Netflix for choosing me

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to host this celebration
of Black excellence.

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Look, I'm not saying there's
a lot of Black people here tonight,

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but backstage
a production assistant asked me

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what color drank I want
in my dressing room.

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Chose purple.

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I'm gonna be setting the tone,
but to help us with the rhythm,

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please welcome Philadelphia's own,
the legendary,

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Grammy Award winning, The Roots.

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Welcome, everyone,
to The Roast of Kevin Hart.

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Yeah

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Yeah

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Kev, we about to roast your ass.

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Yeah, yeah, L.A.

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The world

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I'm the kind of brother

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Who can do it in my way

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Getting my bread for years
In my career

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And every lover, y'all

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In and out my life, I've hit, love
And left in tears without a care

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-Until I met this girl…
-Met this girl…

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How you doing?

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-Who turned the tables around
-Tables around

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She caught me by surprise and I

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Never thought
I'd be the one breaking down

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What up, baby?

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Yeah, yeah

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-I can't figure it out, I'm so
-Caught up

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-Got me feelin' it
-Caught up

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I don't know what it is
But it seems she's got me twisted

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-I'm so
-Caught up

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-Got me feelin' it
-Caught up

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I'm losing control, this girl's gotta…

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Yeah

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Oh

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Let's welcome… Let's welcome Kevin Hart.

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Kevin Hart.

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Yeah! What I'd tell you?

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Yeah!

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Yes!

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-Yeah! Yeah!
-I don't understand.

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Why?

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See, it's burning me to hold on to this.

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I know this is somethin' I gotta do,

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but I don't know
why you chose to do this.

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What you about to do?

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You see, your friends stand
with you at your best.

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-What?
-But tonight,

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I'm gonna need you to have a seat,
'cause we gonna talk about your worst.

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-You gonna go with that? Okay.
-That's right, Kevin.

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-It's time to let it burn.
-Go ahead, go ahead.

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It's gon' burn for me to say this
But it's comin' from my heart

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Said I watched your last stand up
And not a single funny part

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I really hoped you'd work it out
But the soul had left the plane

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No matter the script
Every role you take, it feels the same

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-What the fuck are you doing?
-Tell me why

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I should stay in this great friendship?
'Cause we ain't laughin', Kevin

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It keeps happenin', Kevin

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Plus, Netflix ain't always
Gonna take that bail shit bullshit

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I think that you should

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Watchin' Kevin
Ain't the same for nobody

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-What the fuck are you doing?
-When they go to commercial

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Had to do a roast
'Cause them jokes ain't crackin'

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Like they used to
Look at what money does to you

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-Yeah!
-Let it burn, let it burn

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Deep down you know you cooked
And we 'bout to roast you

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Startin' with them baby slacks
And baby shoes

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Yeah, you know that you blowing
When your movies do too

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-Let it burn
-Let it burn

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Brake it down

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-You son of a bitch.
-Loser

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Can you feel it burning

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Okay. All right. Okay.

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You got some fucking balls
on you, Usher.

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Hey, this just the beginning, dawg.

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-You got some fucking balls on you, man.
-Yeah.

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I said, come out here
and set this shit off for me.

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Let's have a good fucking time.

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You come out here
and do a song I've never heard.

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You can go fuck yourself for all I care.

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Come on, man. That's it.

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Let's do it big one time. Come on, Kev.

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What the fuck you going to do with those?

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What the fuck you
about to do with those?

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I mean, you know, it's…

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Usher, if you don't get them cherries,
the fuck out my face.

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Get them fucking cherries
out my goddamn face, man.

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Get your ass off the stage, man.

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-No, get off the fucking stage.
-Hey, hey, listen.

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Congratulations. Good luck.
You gonna need it, buddy.

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Yeah, yeah, you know what, Usher?
Fuck you. How about that?

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Fuck you, Usher.

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You can take whatever friendship we had
and throw it in the trash.

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Y'all make sure
y'all go see my guy on tour.

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He's doing a stadium tour.
Go get your fucking tickets.

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That's my brother.

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What's going on, Los Angeles? Make
some goddamn noise in this bitch tonight.

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Oh-ho.

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I want to welcome y'all to the roast
of him, of that nigga, me.

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That's right, Kevin Hart.

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We are about to have
a good goddamn time tonight, guys.

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And you know what I love to do?
I love to fucking set the tone.

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I love to make sure that the people

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inside the room are possessed
with the energy

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that we need
so that we can have a good fucking time.

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So I'm gonna ask you again,

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are y'all ready to have
a good fucking time tonight?

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Yeah. Yeah.

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I'm gonna tell you right now,

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this is gonna be way better
than the Tom Brady roast.

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Way better.

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Way better.

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The reason why is
because I'm not a bitch.

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Tom is a bitch.

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Tom sat there the whole time
with the fucking white man face.

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Went on radio stations after that.

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"Why'd they say
that about me? I can't believe…"

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Shut the fuck up, Tom!

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He was a bitch.
Roots, was Tom a bitch?

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-Yeah.
-Yeah, goddamn right he was.

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He was a fucking bitch.

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I ain't no bitch!
You bring whatever it is that you got,

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I could give two fucks. You go
and say what you want to say. Say it.

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I don't give a shit
at the end of the day.

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I'm Kevin motherfucking Hart.

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I'm the man up in this bitch.
Yeah! Yeah!

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Y'all know what I'm talking about?

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That's right, Los Angeles.

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Jesus do you ever shut the fuck up?

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Have you even left the forum?

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Or have you just been here screaming
into that mic the last two years

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waiting for Daddy to come home?

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Well, unlike your real dad,
I actually showed up.

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Oh, you son of a bitch.
You son of a bitch.

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-And I brought you a jersey.
-Oh, you son-- Gimme--

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-Give me that fucking jersey.
-That's newborn size.

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-Yeah, fucking jersey.
-Does that fit you?

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-Give me the fucking jersey.
-All right, sit down.

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Fucking hobbit.

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All right, this won't take long,
'cause as you guys know, I'm a busy man.

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But I do have a few words for you

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before I return
to my affairs in Las Vegas.

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Oh, wait.

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I'm talking about affairs in Las Vegas.
Was that off?

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Not supposed to talk
about affairs in Vegas?

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Think I broke another rule.

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Fuck it, I talked about it.

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So what was it
that you were screaming at my bros?

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"Time to get comfortable
being uncomfortable."

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You at that podium.

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Those were your words, Kevin.

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Who's squirming in
that little high chair now, bitch?

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Put a pillow underneath,
it'd make you look taller.

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And, Kevin, what the fuck have you done
to my roast?

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Seriously, I played in the NFL
for 23 seasons,

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but I've never seen
anyone drop the ball like this.

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How did the GOAT roast go from me to you?

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I won seven Super Bowls.

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Kevin has been in two Ride Along movies.

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I've won five Super Bowl MVP awards.

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Kevin, you're the third
most famous person in Jumanji.

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That was a good movie though.

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And look at this pathetic dais.

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I guess it wouldn't be
a Kevin Hart project

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if it wasn't a shitty sequel.

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You've got Sheryl Underwood.

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Big Jay Oakerson.

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Na'im Lynn.

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Who the fuck are these people?

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And how did they get here?
I thought they shut down Spirit Airlines.

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That's good, that's good.

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And what happened to Nikki Glaser?
She looks like shit.

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Oh, my bad, sorry, Chelsea.

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Draymond Green is here.

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Yeah.

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00:11:32,124 --> 00:11:33,459
Draymond's here.

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For now.

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He'll probably get thrown out
in the next ten minutes.

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You know we're not
roasting Steve Kerr, right?

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And it looks like we actually have
some real Eagles fans here.

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00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:52,912
Yeah.

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Not like Kevin, who only shows up

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00:11:55,347 --> 00:11:57,249
at the big games
when the Eagles are playing well.

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00:11:57,316 --> 00:11:59,251
You know, Kev, we actually have a name
for those people.

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They're called Cowboys fans.

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00:12:04,423 --> 00:12:06,158
And when I run into Eagles fans,

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they always wanna
bring up the Philly Special.

202
00:12:08,527 --> 00:12:11,430
They love to talk
about the Philly Special.

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00:12:11,497 --> 00:12:13,165
Yeah, I don't.

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00:12:13,232 --> 00:12:16,769
And I tell them, "Hey, his name
is Shane Gillis, have some respect."

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You're special.

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00:12:22,608 --> 00:12:27,046
Kevin, you took a lot of shots
at my family during my roast.

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But I'm too classy
to go after your beautiful wife.

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00:12:31,183 --> 00:12:33,052
Or am I?

209
00:12:33,119 --> 00:12:36,722
What's up, girl?

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00:12:39,558 --> 00:12:42,128
-Ooh.
-Watch your fucking step, Tom!

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00:12:42,194 --> 00:12:44,530
You better stop!
You'd better fucking cut it out.

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00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:48,768
I know in the past, people--
you've been accused of being homophobic,

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00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:51,270
and I really hope that's not true
because you're about

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00:12:51,337 --> 00:12:56,175
to get that teeny tiny little ass
of yours reamed tonight.

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00:12:56,242 --> 00:12:58,043
And I cannot wait to watch this.

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00:12:58,110 --> 00:13:01,213
Payback's a bitch
and so are you Kevin Hart.

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00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:04,850
Let's fucking go.

218
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,222
And the winner is… HOV, my man

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00:13:11,357 --> 00:13:12,725
-Speech!
-Welcome to the stage!

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00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:13,893
In this corner…

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00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:16,562
Kevin, Kevin, Kevin Hart.

222
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:17,797
The Main Event.

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00:13:17,863 --> 00:13:19,965
Kevin Hart versus…

224
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The Roc Boys in the building tonight

225
00:13:23,435 --> 00:13:25,838
Oh, what a feeling, I'm feeling life

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You don't even
Gotta bring your paper out

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We the dope boys of the year
Drinks is on the house

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00:13:31,010 --> 00:13:33,179
We in the house, hou… hou…

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00:13:33,245 --> 00:13:35,915
-We in the house, hou… hou…
-Hey!

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Sweet

231
00:13:42,855 --> 00:13:44,223
Let that ride out!

232
00:13:47,293 --> 00:13:49,495
Bring the horns back in, yeah

233
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This is Black superhero music

234
00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:52,998
Right here, baby

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00:13:55,968 --> 00:13:57,970
Ow!

236
00:14:03,876 --> 00:14:07,413
Well, that was fucking annoying.

237
00:14:07,479 --> 00:14:10,816
God, a lot of arrogant people here. Uh…

238
00:14:10,883 --> 00:14:13,752
Now, Kevin, if you're thinking
this is just gonna be a bunch of jokes

239
00:14:13,819 --> 00:14:16,455
about you being short
and annoying, that's true.

240
00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:19,024
We will be doing that.
But we're also gonna be talking about

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00:14:19,091 --> 00:14:21,760
how you're a shitty comedian,
a star fucker,

242
00:14:21,827 --> 00:14:22,995
and an absentee father.

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00:14:27,032 --> 00:14:28,934
We're all here to honor Kevin Hart.

244
00:14:29,001 --> 00:14:31,770
And what a better way
to do that than to take a paycheck

245
00:14:31,837 --> 00:14:33,405
while pretending to have fun.

246
00:14:35,507 --> 00:14:36,709
You're a whore, Kevin.

247
00:14:38,110 --> 00:14:40,846
Speaking of whores, hey, Chelsea.

248
00:14:43,015 --> 00:14:44,149
Yeah.

249
00:14:48,354 --> 00:14:52,258
We have Chelsea Handler,
middle name Penis.

250
00:14:55,094 --> 00:14:56,562
Penis Handler.

251
00:14:57,930 --> 00:14:59,565
That's gonna catch on.
All right, fuck you guys.

252
00:14:59,632 --> 00:15:01,667
That was my best one.

253
00:15:03,869 --> 00:15:06,705
If you guys upgrade your account
from standard to premium,

254
00:15:06,772 --> 00:15:08,507
Chelsea turns into a male comedian.

255
00:15:12,011 --> 00:15:14,146
Oh, this is gonna be terrible.

256
00:15:14,213 --> 00:15:17,316
If that was offensive, I'm fucked.
All right.

257
00:15:17,383 --> 00:15:19,652
My buddy Big Jay Oakerson is here.

258
00:15:19,718 --> 00:15:20,853
Give it up for Jay.

259
00:15:23,689 --> 00:15:26,825
Jay's the only guy in the Epstein files
for actual pizza.

260
00:15:29,962 --> 00:15:31,797
I don't know if you can see it,
but he paints his fingernails,

261
00:15:31,864 --> 00:15:34,366
which, you know,
that's kinda weird, huh?

262
00:15:34,433 --> 00:15:36,902
He's like a 50-year-old emo goth comedian.

263
00:15:38,037 --> 00:15:41,073
"You guys ready for crowd work? Yeah!"

264
00:15:41,140 --> 00:15:44,810
Anyway, Big Jay gets
a new manicure every week

265
00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:48,380
because apparently fat girl pussy juice
dissolves nail polish.

266
00:15:54,019 --> 00:15:57,389
What do you mean, "Jesus?"
Oh, this is gonna go so bad.

267
00:15:57,456 --> 00:15:59,591
This… I know what's gonna happen.
I know how bad this is.

268
00:15:59,658 --> 00:16:02,494
All right, fuck it.
My friend Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

269
00:16:02,561 --> 00:16:03,595
Give it up for Tony.

270
00:16:09,201 --> 00:16:11,737
Tony Hinchcliffe looks like
he burns things in his living room

271
00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:13,939
and waits for the firefighters
to come rescue him.

272
00:16:16,742 --> 00:16:18,677
When they asked Tony
if he wanted to roast Kevin Hart,

273
00:16:18,744 --> 00:16:21,347
he got so excited,
he spit all the cum out of his mouth.

274
00:16:29,755 --> 00:16:31,457
Hell yeah, Kev, thank you.

275
00:16:33,025 --> 00:16:35,260
Tony Hinchcliffe is the only guy
that goes to Trump rallies

276
00:16:35,327 --> 00:16:37,496
just so he can dance
to the village people.

277
00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:43,902
Tony, uh, I've been
to Tony's apartment in Austin.

278
00:16:43,969 --> 00:16:46,038
He has… He literally has thrones.

279
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:52,978
For real, he sits in…
Tony has a throne overlooking Austin.

280
00:16:53,045 --> 00:16:55,647
Austin is a 19-year-old twink
who lives across the street

281
00:16:55,714 --> 00:16:57,716
and works out without a shirt on.

282
00:17:02,955 --> 00:17:05,024
Sheryl Underwood is here.
Give it up for Sheryl.

283
00:17:09,261 --> 00:17:12,164
Sheryl's, uh,
Sheryl's a lifelong Republican,

284
00:17:12,231 --> 00:17:14,566
and, uh, she's actually thinking
about getting into politics.

285
00:17:14,633 --> 00:17:15,734
She's running for a seat

286
00:17:15,801 --> 00:17:18,370
in the Big Mama's House
of Representatives.

287
00:17:20,973 --> 00:17:22,741
Sheryl's husband killed himself.

288
00:17:25,544 --> 00:17:27,813
Apparently, Black does crack
if it's married to Sheryl

289
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,815
and jumps off a fucking roof.

290
00:17:33,352 --> 00:17:36,021
I do it for the balcony,
I do it for the upper decks.

291
00:17:36,088 --> 00:17:38,290
Fuck all these people down here.

292
00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:46,598
Why would you put rich pussies down here?
Look at these animals up here, yeah.

293
00:17:49,601 --> 00:17:50,903
Fucking right.

294
00:17:53,806 --> 00:17:57,076
Regina Hall is here. I think her-- Yeah.

295
00:17:57,142 --> 00:17:59,912
Wherever the fuck she is.
Hey. Hey, Regina, how are you?

296
00:17:59,978 --> 00:18:03,649
Her husband's doing well,
so we're just gonna move on from that.

297
00:18:06,051 --> 00:18:08,720
Na'im Lynn is here,
he's one of Kevin's best friends,

298
00:18:08,787 --> 00:18:10,789
openers and writers, give it up for him.

299
00:18:13,859 --> 00:18:16,929
Na'im's a really good writer,
him and Kevin worked together

300
00:18:16,995 --> 00:18:18,063
on The Roast of Tom Brady,

301
00:18:18,130 --> 00:18:21,967
where Na'im came up with such classics
like, "That Was crazy."

302
00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:24,837
And, "Oh, hell no."

303
00:18:26,071 --> 00:18:28,440
And everyone's favorite,
"Damn, she went there?"

304
00:18:29,608 --> 00:18:31,076
Guy's a fucking genius.

305
00:18:32,311 --> 00:18:34,613
Pete Davidson's here,
give it up for Pete.

306
00:18:39,418 --> 00:18:42,221
Pete Davidson, aka Wigger Dracula.

307
00:18:44,056 --> 00:18:46,458
"I want to suck at comedy."

308
00:18:48,494 --> 00:18:50,295
Just having fun, a little fun, dude.

309
00:18:51,330 --> 00:18:53,265
Pete recently got all
of his tattoos removed,

310
00:18:53,332 --> 00:18:56,568
so now you actually have to talk to him
to find out he's a complete fucking idiot.

311
00:19:01,707 --> 00:19:03,308
That's all I got, dude.

312
00:19:05,744 --> 00:19:08,213
Draymond Green is here,
give it up for Draymond.

313
00:19:13,585 --> 00:19:18,290
Yeah, sick. Yeah, fuck him. Boo!

314
00:19:18,357 --> 00:19:21,760
With a name like Draymond Green,
he only had a few options in life.

315
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:25,864
Pro athlete, pimp in a documentary,
or wealthy cartoon duck.

316
00:19:30,335 --> 00:19:31,570
He plays…

317
00:19:32,604 --> 00:19:34,606
He plays for the Golden State Warriors.

318
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:43,682
Golden State Warriors
sounds like a nickname

319
00:19:43,749 --> 00:19:46,718
they had for people
who died of AIDS in the 1980s.

320
00:19:50,956 --> 00:19:53,759
The Golden State Warriors logo
is a bridge.

321
00:19:53,825 --> 00:19:56,261
Don't show that to Sheryl's husband.

322
00:19:57,796 --> 00:20:00,732
Seriously, keep that bridge away
from Sheryl's husband.

323
00:20:04,536 --> 00:20:06,638
I called her yesterday, shut up.

324
00:20:07,739 --> 00:20:11,310
I was really… I felt terrible about that.
I had to call her. All right.

325
00:20:12,244 --> 00:20:13,212
She was crazy about it.

326
00:20:13,278 --> 00:20:15,080
She was like, "You gonna make fun
of my husband who fell off a bridge?"

327
00:20:15,147 --> 00:20:16,515
I was like, "Yep."

328
00:20:19,418 --> 00:20:23,822
And speaking of Black men who once made
an impact years ago, Kevin Hart.

329
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:32,197
Here's a fun fact about Kevin.
Kevin has a 44-inch vertical leap.

330
00:20:32,264 --> 00:20:34,833
And I know that because
he can kiss his wife on the lips.

331
00:20:38,670 --> 00:20:39,838
Being 5'1 sucks,

332
00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:42,241
but at least you can tell him
apart from all the other Blacks.

333
00:20:47,579 --> 00:20:49,681
Yeah, they told me to be racist.

334
00:20:51,216 --> 00:20:52,284
What am I gonna make fun of?

335
00:20:52,351 --> 00:20:55,153
"Oh, you got a huge dick
and you're a billionaire?" Yeah.

336
00:20:56,888 --> 00:20:59,324
When you see Kevin stand next
to all his normal sized Black friends,

337
00:20:59,391 --> 00:21:01,493
he looks like the period
at the end of a sentence.

338
00:21:07,733 --> 00:21:10,636
Yes, yes, Kevin, thank you.

339
00:21:10,702 --> 00:21:13,105
-Yeah!
-This is where…

340
00:21:13,171 --> 00:21:16,508
To really understand Kevin's origins,
you have to go back to the beginning.

341
00:21:16,575 --> 00:21:20,746
Kevin's ancestors came to America
in a slave ship in a bottle.

342
00:21:25,317 --> 00:21:26,551
-Yeah.
-Yeah.

343
00:21:26,618 --> 00:21:28,153
-Yeah.
-Yeah.

344
00:21:30,222 --> 00:21:32,057
The bottle.

345
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:34,359
He grew up in Philadelphia,
where his mother worked

346
00:21:34,426 --> 00:21:35,827
at the University of Pennsylvania,

347
00:21:35,894 --> 00:21:38,063
and his father was one
of the California Raisins.

348
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:43,935
I'm just joking around.
He wasn't raising anybody.

349
00:21:49,408 --> 00:21:50,876
Unfortunately, that's true.

350
00:21:52,711 --> 00:21:56,081
Kevin's dad wasn't there for him
because he was addicted to cocaine,

351
00:21:56,148 --> 00:21:58,550
which is a lot more respectable
than not being there for your kids

352
00:21:58,617 --> 00:22:01,320
because you're filming fucking Jumanji 3.

353
00:22:01,386 --> 00:22:03,655
That's pathetic.

354
00:22:08,727 --> 00:22:09,895
A lot…

355
00:22:12,097 --> 00:22:14,833
A lot of people
say Kevin's movies are formulaic.

356
00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:17,169
Yeah, baby formula.

357
00:22:19,738 --> 00:22:22,908
That was the best one.

358
00:22:22,974 --> 00:22:25,477
That was… We were like,
"Yo, baby formula."

359
00:22:26,678 --> 00:22:28,947
And every time you put
one of Kevin's movies on,

360
00:22:29,014 --> 00:22:32,217
you say to yourself,
"I see where this is staying."

361
00:22:34,386 --> 00:22:37,622
Now, he wasn't always a movie star.
He's had a few setbacks.

362
00:22:37,689 --> 00:22:39,958
Kevin got a DUI.

363
00:22:40,025 --> 00:22:42,394
Isn't that funny?

364
00:22:42,461 --> 00:22:46,431
Just a little tiny DUI,
his feet barely reaching the pedals.

365
00:22:46,498 --> 00:22:48,333
It's a cute DUI.

366
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,602
It was actually, honestly,
it was a pretty serious accident.

367
00:22:50,669 --> 00:22:53,305
He wrapped his micro machine
around a dandelion.

368
00:22:57,576 --> 00:23:02,180
Anyway, things got worse for Kevin
only a few years later when he got fired

369
00:23:02,247 --> 00:23:03,982
from the Oscars for homophobia.

370
00:23:04,983 --> 00:23:07,586
They found an old tweet of his
where he said if his son was gay,

371
00:23:07,652 --> 00:23:09,721
he would break a dollhouse over his head.

372
00:23:10,922 --> 00:23:12,991
I know, that's crazy.

373
00:23:13,058 --> 00:23:16,128
He used to be funny. How about that?

374
00:23:16,194 --> 00:23:18,363
That was really funny.
That was so long ago.

375
00:23:19,898 --> 00:23:22,100
After that, after he got fired
for being homophobic,

376
00:23:22,167 --> 00:23:23,802
he went on like an apology tour

377
00:23:23,869 --> 00:23:26,004
where he had to go around
and do interviews and shit.

378
00:23:26,071 --> 00:23:30,475
And in one of the interviews, he said,
"I'm in love with the man I'm becoming."

379
00:23:33,545 --> 00:23:37,449
Gay. Fucking homo, dude.

380
00:23:38,583 --> 00:23:41,853
I'm gonna break a dollhouse
over his head after that fucking shit.

381
00:23:44,856 --> 00:23:46,858
I guess one of the reasons
no one can afford a house in America

382
00:23:46,925 --> 00:23:48,593
these days is 'cause
Kevin keeps breaking them

383
00:23:48,660 --> 00:23:50,362
over his son's fucking head.

384
00:23:52,831 --> 00:23:56,401
A few months ago, Kevin performed
at the Riyadh Comedy Festival

385
00:23:56,468 --> 00:23:58,170
sponsored by the Saudi government.

386
00:24:03,575 --> 00:24:06,178
They actually, they offered me
a ton of money to do it, but I said no.

387
00:24:06,244 --> 00:24:07,579
Kevin said yes.

388
00:24:09,514 --> 00:24:12,250
The reason I said no was to honor

389
00:24:12,317 --> 00:24:14,319
the brave police officers
and firefighters

390
00:24:14,386 --> 00:24:16,054
who lost their lives that day.

391
00:24:18,757 --> 00:24:20,158
Right, Pete?

392
00:24:28,233 --> 00:24:30,101
Kevin actually did really well
in Saudi Arabia,

393
00:24:30,168 --> 00:24:32,537
but only because they thought
he was the monkey from Aladdin.

394
00:24:37,676 --> 00:24:40,445
Abu, they were thinking about Abu.

395
00:24:40,512 --> 00:24:41,847
Abu.

396
00:24:41,913 --> 00:24:43,682
Abu, which is actually coincidentally

397
00:24:43,748 --> 00:24:47,552
what Kevin hears every time
he puts out one of his dog shit specials.

398
00:24:47,619 --> 00:24:48,587
A boo.

399
00:24:51,423 --> 00:24:53,625
Kevin didn't just do comedy
in Saudi Arabia,

400
00:24:53,692 --> 00:24:55,227
they actually gave him a sword
and a shield

401
00:24:55,293 --> 00:24:57,195
and they made him fight a scorpion.

402
00:25:00,565 --> 00:25:02,801
And then at night they'd put one
of those little falcon helmets on him

403
00:25:02,868 --> 00:25:04,369
so he could go to sleep.

404
00:25:06,371 --> 00:25:08,240
All right.

405
00:25:08,306 --> 00:25:12,677
Well, look, I know this dais
is full of degenerate scumbags,

406
00:25:12,744 --> 00:25:15,847
and they're gonna be up here saying
a lot of racist, terrible things tonight.

407
00:25:15,914 --> 00:25:18,016
But, yeah, you guys like that?

408
00:25:20,752 --> 00:25:24,089
But not me. I'm not gonna be doing that.

409
00:25:24,155 --> 00:25:26,124
I've got a nice PG short joke

410
00:25:26,191 --> 00:25:29,394
that I'd like you guys
to be a part of, okay?

411
00:25:29,461 --> 00:25:31,496
Kevin is so short.

412
00:25:31,563 --> 00:25:33,331
How much is he?

413
00:25:33,398 --> 00:25:36,668
Kevin's so short that they're gonna have
to lynch him from a bonsai tree.

414
00:25:46,478 --> 00:25:49,481
That was three weeks
of deliberation on that joke.

415
00:25:50,882 --> 00:25:54,486
I was… Look, I understand how
serious the word lynch is,

416
00:25:54,553 --> 00:25:56,221
but bonsai is so funny.

417
00:25:58,523 --> 00:26:01,826
Anyway, you're the fucking man,
and I'm happy to be here,

418
00:26:01,893 --> 00:26:03,562
and I genuinely love you,

419
00:26:03,628 --> 00:26:06,531
and seriously,
you're a once-in-a-lifetime talent,

420
00:26:06,598 --> 00:26:09,501
and unfortunately, that lifetime is ours.

421
00:26:11,336 --> 00:26:13,171
Let's get this fucking show started.

422
00:26:18,810 --> 00:26:24,115
And now, our first roaster of the night,
the Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross.

423
00:26:55,914 --> 00:26:56,915
Wow!

424
00:26:58,583 --> 00:27:01,152
What's up, roast fans?

425
00:27:04,389 --> 00:27:06,324
Look at this place.

426
00:27:06,391 --> 00:27:11,062
Everybody's here tonight. Wow, wow, wow.

427
00:27:11,129 --> 00:27:17,902
John Stamos, Usher, I see you,
George Wallace, and Peter Dinklage.

428
00:27:17,969 --> 00:27:20,238
Blackface is never okay.

429
00:27:23,775 --> 00:27:24,976
Kevin Hart.

430
00:27:26,044 --> 00:27:30,181
We've been friends a long time,
but the world first fell in love with you

431
00:27:30,248 --> 00:27:33,451
when Michael Jackson
dangled you over that balcony.

432
00:27:42,994 --> 00:27:47,599
Tonight, live all over the world,
we celebrate the crack baby that could.

433
00:27:49,367 --> 00:27:51,603
The preemie with a dreamie.

434
00:27:52,837 --> 00:27:56,274
The man who put the elf in Philadelphia.

435
00:27:57,342 --> 00:27:59,544
The great Eddie Smurphy.

436
00:28:01,613 --> 00:28:04,382
You know, Kev, those mic drops aren't
as cool when you're dropping them

437
00:28:04,449 --> 00:28:05,884
from two feet, right?

438
00:28:07,919 --> 00:28:11,089
Yeah, tonight I dress
like your idol Eddie Murphy

439
00:28:11,156 --> 00:28:12,490
because he's not coming.

440
00:28:14,092 --> 00:28:16,928
Your idol doesn't give a fuck
about you, Kevin.

441
00:28:19,030 --> 00:28:21,866
No, Eddie, but we did
get Donkey from Shrek.

442
00:28:21,933 --> 00:28:23,968
Say hello to Sheryl Underwood.

443
00:28:30,942 --> 00:28:33,545
Sheryl's pronouns are hee-haw.

444
00:28:41,286 --> 00:28:43,021
I love you, Sheryl Underwood.

445
00:28:44,856 --> 00:28:47,025
By the way, Underwood
is also where they found

446
00:28:47,092 --> 00:28:51,296
Pete Davidson's dad on 9/11.

447
00:28:51,362 --> 00:28:54,332
I love you.

448
00:28:54,399 --> 00:28:57,068
Pete's dad was a firefighter
that died heroically

449
00:28:57,135 --> 00:29:00,905
and somehow Pete
gets all the pussy his dad deserves.

450
00:29:03,441 --> 00:29:07,112
In honor of his dad,
Pete only fucks nines and elevens.

451
00:29:11,082 --> 00:29:14,719
Hit it!

452
00:29:19,190 --> 00:29:23,595
I love this! Comics roasting comics.

453
00:29:24,729 --> 00:29:27,732
You don't see a lot of guys
who look like Shane Gillis in L.A.,

454
00:29:27,799 --> 00:29:30,435
unless they're handcuffing
a Mexican toddler.

455
00:29:32,937 --> 00:29:34,539
Ay, ay, ICE!

456
00:29:42,113 --> 00:29:45,717
Jersey's finest, Chelsea Handler.
I love you so much, Chelsea.

457
00:29:45,784 --> 00:29:49,387
I do. I do.

458
00:29:49,454 --> 00:29:52,056
Chelsea told me
she's been getting into microdosing,

459
00:29:52,123 --> 00:29:55,026
which is what she calls
fucking a white guy.

460
00:29:57,228 --> 00:30:03,935
Congrats, Chels. I read you just bought
your new house from RFK Jr.

461
00:30:04,002 --> 00:30:06,771
"Hey, do you want
to see my bag of raccoon dicks?"

462
00:30:07,939 --> 00:30:11,776
And then RFK was like,
"No thanks, Chelsea, I have my own."

463
00:30:17,649 --> 00:30:19,651
Steph Curry couldn't make it tonight,

464
00:30:19,717 --> 00:30:22,587
but he did carry
Draymond Green all the way here.

465
00:30:30,061 --> 00:30:33,431
Love you, buddy. I'm not going
to make fun of you because you're violent.

466
00:30:35,700 --> 00:30:39,537
You've been ejected more times
than a Kevin Hart DVD.

467
00:30:44,809 --> 00:30:47,345
Tony Hinchcliffe, so proud of you.

468
00:30:47,412 --> 00:30:51,649
Tony, I love you like a little brother…

469
00:30:51,716 --> 00:30:53,985
…but I've had it up to here
with your politics.

470
00:30:59,724 --> 00:31:04,729
Everyone's here, baby. Look at this place.
Everyone loves you, Kevin Hart.

471
00:31:04,796 --> 00:31:06,931
MGK.

472
00:31:06,998 --> 00:31:08,199
Fuck.

473
00:31:09,567 --> 00:31:12,370
For a guy who's only going
to need one pallbearer someday,

474
00:31:12,437 --> 00:31:16,174
you sure have a lot to choose from.

475
00:31:16,241 --> 00:31:18,176
What a story. What a story.

476
00:31:18,243 --> 00:31:22,580
Your dad was a street hustler
and addicted to crack cocaine.

477
00:31:22,647 --> 00:31:25,783
So, I guess being dependent
on the rock runs in the family.

478
00:31:28,219 --> 00:31:31,656
Hit it.

479
00:31:36,561 --> 00:31:40,064
Kevin, I know your dad walked out on you

480
00:31:40,131 --> 00:31:43,635
and then I went to see one of your movies
and then I walked out on you.

481
00:31:45,436 --> 00:31:48,740
Maybe you're spending too much time
in the gym working out.

482
00:31:48,806 --> 00:31:52,076
It's arm day, it's leg day.
When is it script day?

483
00:31:54,445 --> 00:31:58,049
Do you even read these pieces
of shit before you say yes?

484
00:31:58,116 --> 00:31:59,851
Come on, spell Jumanji.

485
00:32:02,954 --> 00:32:04,756
Fuck you.

486
00:32:04,822 --> 00:32:10,328
And sure… sure,
Kevin went to a Diddy party. So, what?

487
00:32:10,395 --> 00:32:13,831
They just locked him in a room
and put Paw Patrol on his iPad.

488
00:32:21,906 --> 00:32:25,710
Kevin always flies private.
What a waste of leg room.

489
00:32:29,280 --> 00:32:36,254
Yes, Kev, people mock you for being short.
But you know who else was short? Prince.

490
00:32:36,454 --> 00:32:38,890
Prince was 5'2'',
we just don't talk about it a lot

491
00:32:38,957 --> 00:32:43,494
because Prince was great.

492
00:32:46,564 --> 00:32:50,201
But you, Kev, you're not
just an entertainer, you're a brand.

493
00:32:50,268 --> 00:32:51,502
You're like Martha Stewart,

494
00:32:51,569 --> 00:32:53,871
but without the respect
of the Black community.

495
00:32:56,040 --> 00:32:59,110
And I can say that
because I'm dressed like Eddie Murphy.

496
00:32:59,177 --> 00:33:01,379
Hit it, ah, never mind.

497
00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:04,482
Play something sweet.

498
00:33:04,549 --> 00:33:07,418
Today's Mother's Day.

499
00:33:08,453 --> 00:33:11,322
Shout out to the moms…

500
00:33:11,389 --> 00:33:13,491
…and the motherfuckers.

501
00:33:14,692 --> 00:33:17,528
Kev and I both lost our moms way too soon

502
00:33:17,595 --> 00:33:21,599
and I'm sorry yours isn't here tonight
to see all the love in the room.

503
00:33:21,666 --> 00:33:25,536
I know how important she was in your life.
She was strict.

504
00:33:25,603 --> 00:33:27,005
One time you were acting up

505
00:33:27,071 --> 00:33:30,074
and she beat you
with a Hot Wheels track, is that right?

506
00:33:31,676 --> 00:33:35,513
But Kevin being Kevin was undaunted,
put the track back together,

507
00:33:35,580 --> 00:33:38,216
got in his Hot Wheels car
and drove right to Hollywood.

508
00:33:42,620 --> 00:33:45,123
You always say,
"Everybody wants to be famous…

509
00:33:45,189 --> 00:33:48,092
-Nobody wants to do the work.
-…but nobody wants to do the work."

510
00:33:48,159 --> 00:33:53,197
You do the work, you're a motivator.

511
00:33:53,264 --> 00:33:57,101
And you don't know this, Kevin,
but you motivated me.

512
00:33:57,168 --> 00:34:00,104
At the last roast, you said,
every time you look at me,

513
00:34:00,171 --> 00:34:03,307
I look sicker and sicker.

514
00:34:03,374 --> 00:34:05,476
And everybody laughed, and that hurt.

515
00:34:05,543 --> 00:34:08,813
But you inspired me
to go and get my first colonoscopy.

516
00:34:10,281 --> 00:34:12,817
And that cancer screening
was more entertaining

517
00:34:12,884 --> 00:34:15,386
than any screening
you've ever invited me to.

518
00:34:18,856 --> 00:34:22,193
They found
a stage three tumor in my colon.

519
00:34:22,260 --> 00:34:25,329
But luckily, like you, Kevin,
it stopped growing.

520
00:34:27,698 --> 00:34:30,334
If you hadn't made fun of me
and saved me from colon cancer,

521
00:34:30,401 --> 00:34:32,236
I wouldn't have been able
to come up here tonight

522
00:34:32,303 --> 00:34:35,139
and shit all over you.

523
00:34:35,206 --> 00:34:38,443
Thank you
for saving my life, little buddy.

524
00:34:38,509 --> 00:34:45,016
I love you.

525
00:34:54,959 --> 00:34:57,528
The Roastmaster General, everybody,
give it up for Jeff Ross.

526
00:35:02,500 --> 00:35:05,870
And how about an even bigger applause
to all the Roastmaster soldiers

527
00:35:05,937 --> 00:35:07,505
that just wrote all those jokes for him.

528
00:35:10,308 --> 00:35:13,010
What you talking about, Gillis?

529
00:35:13,077 --> 00:35:15,646
If you're wondering
why Jeff is dressed as Eddie Murphy,

530
00:35:15,713 --> 00:35:17,181
good, you should be.

531
00:35:17,248 --> 00:35:20,084
It doesn't make any sense,
and it's kind of embarrassing.

532
00:35:21,786 --> 00:35:24,255
Jeff's face looks like it fell out
of a fucking lava lamp.

533
00:35:31,162 --> 00:35:33,931
They could have used it on me.

534
00:35:33,998 --> 00:35:37,602
-What you talking about, Gillis?
-That's good. That's good.

535
00:35:38,903 --> 00:35:41,405
Jeff's the only guy
to kiss the wailing wall and use tongue.

536
00:35:43,241 --> 00:35:45,910
Lot of Jews here tonight. That's not good.

537
00:35:45,977 --> 00:35:48,980
Well, I meant for the jokes,
not just in general.

538
00:35:49,046 --> 00:35:51,382
You get it. Whatever. Fuck you.

539
00:35:51,449 --> 00:35:53,184
"Oh, not us." Shut up.

540
00:35:54,385 --> 00:35:58,256
Our next roaster is Na'im Lynn.

541
00:35:58,322 --> 00:36:02,326
Yeah, Na'im.

542
00:36:02,393 --> 00:36:05,930
Na'im, that's a dumb name.
It sounds like the noises a deaf guy makes

543
00:36:05,997 --> 00:36:08,032
when he gets stuck
trying to put on a turtleneck.

544
00:36:08,099 --> 00:36:13,037
Na'im. Na'im.

545
00:36:15,239 --> 00:36:17,341
I'd say Na'im is like family to Kevin,

546
00:36:17,408 --> 00:36:19,610
but they actually spend
a lot of time together.

547
00:36:19,677 --> 00:36:22,580
Please welcome Na'im Lynn, everybody.
Give it up for Na'im.

548
00:36:33,457 --> 00:36:36,160
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

549
00:36:36,227 --> 00:36:39,730
Hey, everyone. I'm probably
the most unrecognizable face up here.

550
00:36:39,797 --> 00:36:45,503
I have a TV show, but it comes on BET.

551
00:36:45,570 --> 00:36:49,674
I've been working with Kevin for 25 years,
and this motherfucker said

552
00:36:49,740 --> 00:36:52,376
he put me in this roast
because it could help my career.

553
00:36:52,443 --> 00:36:55,546
You could have helped my career
by putting me in a movie 15 years ago.

554
00:36:58,015 --> 00:37:00,551
You about to do Ride Along 3,
and I still ain't rode along.

555
00:37:00,618 --> 00:37:05,389
Look at you over there, all proud,

556
00:37:05,456 --> 00:37:07,992
like a father that finally showed up
on draft night.

557
00:37:13,564 --> 00:37:16,133
You arrogant fuck.
When Kevin first told me about the roast,

558
00:37:16,200 --> 00:37:19,103
he said, "Tom Brady did 100 million views,

559
00:37:19,170 --> 00:37:21,572
so I'm probably gonna do
200 million views."

560
00:37:21,639 --> 00:37:24,508
This motherfucker think
he more famous than Tom Brady.

561
00:37:26,077 --> 00:37:29,747
Tom has seven Super Bowl rings.
That's like seven Oscars.

562
00:37:29,814 --> 00:37:34,385
You're 46 with a Kids' Choice Award.

563
00:37:41,592 --> 00:37:44,862
You don't have an Oscar,
an Emmy, a Tony, or a Grammy.

564
00:37:44,929 --> 00:37:49,433
The only Grammy you had died in 1985.

565
00:37:51,068 --> 00:37:56,140
"Oh, no, Mama. Grammy died.
Where are we gonna live now?"

566
00:38:00,244 --> 00:38:02,947
The only thing you and Tom Brady
got in common,

567
00:38:03,014 --> 00:38:04,382
you both love your career
more than your wife.

568
00:38:07,551 --> 00:38:11,155
I'm sorry, Eniko.

569
00:38:11,222 --> 00:38:13,257
Kev, did you know
you're the only second Black person

570
00:38:13,324 --> 00:38:15,126
to be roasted in the last 30 years?

571
00:38:15,192 --> 00:38:17,461
It's just you
and your brother, Flavor Flav.

572
00:38:19,664 --> 00:38:21,999
This guy's a fucking scam artist.

573
00:38:22,066 --> 00:38:24,268
How the fuck you promoting
fitness and tequila?

574
00:38:32,276 --> 00:38:35,680
You told me all these big names
are gonna be up here.

575
00:38:35,746 --> 00:38:38,082
Look at this batch
of bullshit up here, man.

576
00:38:38,149 --> 00:38:40,284
What the fuck
is Draymond Green doing here?

577
00:38:42,353 --> 00:38:45,122
Stupid-ass name.
What the fuck is a "Draymond?"

578
00:38:48,359 --> 00:38:49,760
Your mother didn't know
who your father was,

579
00:38:49,827 --> 00:38:52,229
so she just combined
two of the guys' names.

580
00:38:55,966 --> 00:39:00,338
"Who the daddy, girl?"
"Mm-mm. It's either Andre or Lamond."

581
00:39:00,404 --> 00:39:05,409
"I'ma just call him Draymond."

582
00:39:16,620 --> 00:39:20,024
Your name sounds like a ugly paint color.

583
00:39:21,025 --> 00:39:24,628
And I was thinking about making
the kitchen Draymond Green.

584
00:39:33,404 --> 00:39:35,573
Man, I thought
The Rock would at least be here,

585
00:39:35,639 --> 00:39:37,375
because I got some shit to say about him.

586
00:39:37,441 --> 00:39:39,643
But actually, you know,
it's good he's not here,

587
00:39:39,710 --> 00:39:42,913
because I'd rather talk shit
behind his back. I feel safer.

588
00:39:42,980 --> 00:39:47,151
Big J, you be The Rock, all right?

589
00:39:47,218 --> 00:39:50,654
This is the closest you'll get to being
in shape, so savor the moment.

590
00:39:51,188 --> 00:39:53,190
Rock, I'm sick of your shit.

591
00:39:53,257 --> 00:39:56,193
Fucking sellout,
always playing the white guy in movies.

592
00:39:56,260 --> 00:39:57,561
Nigga, please.

593
00:39:58,629 --> 00:40:02,566
Ain't no White guys named Dwayne.

594
00:40:02,633 --> 00:40:05,636
If you apply for a job at Target
and you write Dwayne Johnson on it,

595
00:40:05,703 --> 00:40:09,039
that shit's going in the trash.

596
00:40:09,106 --> 00:40:12,276
That's a DEI joke,
you stupid motherfucker.

597
00:40:13,911 --> 00:40:16,514
Let me chill,
I don't want no smoke with rock.

598
00:40:16,580 --> 00:40:21,385
That's what almost killed Lamar Odom.

599
00:40:23,988 --> 00:40:27,291
Jeff Ross is here
collecting this one check for the year.

600
00:40:27,358 --> 00:40:29,460
Yeah.

601
00:40:29,527 --> 00:40:32,329
This might be Jeff's last roast
if he don't get that kidney.

602
00:40:38,202 --> 00:40:39,403
Jeff, you look like the only kid

603
00:40:39,470 --> 00:40:42,239
that Michael Jackson visited
in the hospital that lived.

604
00:40:44,442 --> 00:40:48,312
Make a wish, motherfucker.

605
00:40:51,682 --> 00:40:55,653
Chelsea Handler, yeah.

606
00:40:55,719 --> 00:41:00,324
Hey, Chelsea. I see you over there
aging at the speed of white.

607
00:41:03,961 --> 00:41:05,963
Take a picture of Chelsea now,

608
00:41:06,030 --> 00:41:08,766
I guarantee you won't recognize her
by the end of the night.

609
00:41:12,336 --> 00:41:16,574
Over there with all that makeup on,
casket ready.

610
00:41:20,911 --> 00:41:23,447
I can't wait till they do
a remake of Golden Girls

611
00:41:23,514 --> 00:41:25,649
so you can get
a fucking job again, all right?

612
00:41:27,451 --> 00:41:29,487
You'd be like a less fuckable Betty White.

613
00:41:31,288 --> 00:41:35,459
And I'm not talking Betty in her prime.
I'm talking Betty right now.

614
00:41:35,526 --> 00:41:39,196
Yeah, Betty's dead.

615
00:41:42,366 --> 00:41:46,403
We got one of the kings
of comedy here, Sheryl Underwood.

616
00:41:55,079 --> 00:41:57,481
Sheryl, they've been talking
about doing a biopic on Kev's life.

617
00:41:57,548 --> 00:42:01,752
I think you'd be great to play his dad.

618
00:42:04,588 --> 00:42:07,825
Pete Davidson here. Pete is just
another former SNL cast member

619
00:42:07,892 --> 00:42:13,097
that's gonna overdose at some point.

620
00:42:15,199 --> 00:42:18,469
I don't like you, Pete.

621
00:42:19,236 --> 00:42:22,406
Where the fuck is Dave Chappelle, man?
I thought, yeah, I thought…

622
00:42:24,508 --> 00:42:27,411
…I thought he'd be here
stealing more money from Netflix.

623
00:42:28,546 --> 00:42:30,881
I know you're watching, Dave.
I saw your last special.

624
00:42:30,948 --> 00:42:35,119
Some jokes would have been nice.

625
00:42:35,185 --> 00:42:37,721
Hour-long speech, 20 million.

626
00:42:37,788 --> 00:42:40,958
He's the reason the damn subscription
goes up every six months.

627
00:42:43,093 --> 00:42:45,963
By the way, Dave, Kev hates you.

628
00:42:49,600 --> 00:42:51,869
He hates you
more than the transgender community.

629
00:42:55,105 --> 00:42:57,341
I actually don't know
why the trans hate you.

630
00:42:57,408 --> 00:43:01,812
You're married to a Filipino lady boy.

631
00:43:06,317 --> 00:43:10,020
Okay, they said I gotta say
something nice before I go,

632
00:43:10,087 --> 00:43:10,988
so here it goes.

633
00:43:11,055 --> 00:43:12,923
Kev, you've not only been an inspiration
to me,

634
00:43:12,990 --> 00:43:15,092
but to all comics
and Black people as a whole,

635
00:43:15,159 --> 00:43:17,928
because you didn't stop
at just being a great entertainer.

636
00:43:17,995 --> 00:43:19,930
You became a mogul, a businessman,

637
00:43:19,997 --> 00:43:22,399
creating generational wealth
for not only your family,

638
00:43:22,466 --> 00:43:25,536
but other employees.

639
00:43:25,603 --> 00:43:29,607
When slavery ended,
we were promised 40 acres and a mule.

640
00:43:29,673 --> 00:43:31,609
We didn't get our 40 acres,
but we got our mule.

641
00:43:31,675 --> 00:43:34,111
That's you, my boy.

642
00:43:43,954 --> 00:43:46,390
Keep it going for Na'im, everybody.

643
00:43:47,491 --> 00:43:49,326
Yeah, he did great.

644
00:43:49,393 --> 00:43:53,430
Also, Na'im, great choice there
at the end to talk shit on Dave.

645
00:43:55,733 --> 00:43:57,601
He'll let that go, for sure.

646
00:44:00,404 --> 00:44:03,140
That was an interesting shot.

647
00:44:03,207 --> 00:44:07,077
Our next roaster is Chelsea Handler.

648
00:44:10,280 --> 00:44:12,883
She loves sex. Isn't that interesting?

649
00:44:14,585 --> 00:44:17,588
She talked about it for 30 years,
you fuck.

650
00:44:17,655 --> 00:44:21,592
She even released her own sex tape.
Sex tape is also what she uses

651
00:44:21,659 --> 00:44:23,994
to keep from tripping over
her own pussy lips.

652
00:44:27,531 --> 00:44:29,066
You can skip that part.

653
00:44:30,200 --> 00:44:34,738
Go ahead. Go ahead.
There we go. Chelsea is a Zionist.

654
00:44:38,475 --> 00:44:40,177
I'm not saying that's good or bad.

655
00:44:41,445 --> 00:44:44,181
Speaking of dead kids,
she's a big fan of abortions.

656
00:44:46,550 --> 00:44:49,653
Chelsea's been scraped more times
than the grill at Benihana.

657
00:44:53,390 --> 00:44:55,993
Speaking of tossing tiny shrimp
into a child's mouth,

658
00:44:56,060 --> 00:44:59,596
Chelsea Handler went to dinner
at Jeffrey Epstein's house in 2010.

659
00:45:03,667 --> 00:45:06,870
Just a fun one.
You can look it up, there's articles.

660
00:45:06,937 --> 00:45:09,206
It wasn't like a big party,
there was like seven people there.

661
00:45:09,273 --> 00:45:14,611
And it was like Prince Andrew
and Woody Allen were there.

662
00:45:14,678 --> 00:45:16,814
Anyway, ladies and gentlemen,
Chelsea Handler.

663
00:45:26,690 --> 00:45:28,792
Oh, my God, thank you Shane.

664
00:45:28,859 --> 00:45:30,761
And I thought
I was gonna have the best tits

665
00:45:30,828 --> 00:45:32,663
on this dais tonight.

666
00:45:42,239 --> 00:45:43,307
When I first saw you tonight,

667
00:45:43,373 --> 00:45:46,009
I thought, "Oh, my God,
is that Druski in whiteface?"

668
00:45:48,479 --> 00:45:50,247
Happy Mother's Day, everybody.

669
00:45:50,314 --> 00:45:53,717
What a beautiful way
to spend Mother's Day.

670
00:45:55,552 --> 00:45:58,222
Shane, I feel like I could be your mother,

671
00:45:58,288 --> 00:46:02,960
mostly because you look like
you have fetal alcohol syndrome.

672
00:46:05,195 --> 00:46:09,566
Hi, everybody, it's me,
your resident whore for the evening.

673
00:46:12,269 --> 00:46:16,373
Guys, I just want to clarify, I'm rich,
I'm famous, and I'm hot.

674
00:46:16,440 --> 00:46:19,877
Obviously, I'm gonna be fucking a lot
of guys, okay?

675
00:46:19,943 --> 00:46:23,847
Let's get the party started.

676
00:46:23,914 --> 00:46:27,584
I'm just glad, I'm just glad
that my whore elevator

677
00:46:27,651 --> 00:46:30,154
never stopped
on any of your fucking floors.

678
00:46:34,658 --> 00:46:36,627
And, Shane, just so you know,

679
00:46:36,693 --> 00:46:39,763
Judaism and Zionism
are two different things.

680
00:46:39,830 --> 00:46:44,835
Kind of like how Chinatown and Koreatown
are two different things,

681
00:46:44,902 --> 00:46:47,471
but your favorite slur works
in both places.

682
00:46:48,772 --> 00:46:52,142
Shane has been accused
of being anti-Asian,

683
00:46:52,209 --> 00:46:54,478
which is ironic considering he has

684
00:46:54,545 --> 00:46:58,415
the complexion and physique
of a steamed dumpling.

685
00:47:03,954 --> 00:47:06,990
Word on the street
is that Shane's a lazy lover

686
00:47:07,057 --> 00:47:09,893
and the only way
to get him to go down on a woman

687
00:47:09,960 --> 00:47:14,364
is to put pussy on the buffet
at Golden Corral.

688
00:47:20,404 --> 00:47:23,106
The first time I met Kevin
was almost 20 years ago

689
00:47:23,173 --> 00:47:25,108
and I remember thinking,

690
00:47:25,175 --> 00:47:30,581
"What is 50 Cent's
dick doing walking around all by itself?"

691
00:47:34,952 --> 00:47:37,187
A lot of people think
Kevin was discovered

692
00:47:37,254 --> 00:47:39,623
during one of The Rock's colonoscopies.

693
00:47:41,191 --> 00:47:42,326
But that's not true.

694
00:47:42,392 --> 00:47:44,628
I was actually one
of the very few people,

695
00:47:44,695 --> 00:47:47,464
very first people,
that gave Kevin a platform

696
00:47:47,531 --> 00:47:52,269
for his "comedy" when I gave him
a weekly spot on Chelsea Lately.

697
00:47:52,336 --> 00:47:55,372
And I had no idea…

698
00:47:55,439 --> 00:47:56,340
Thank you.

699
00:47:56,406 --> 00:47:59,977
I had no idea when I did this
that we would be subjected

700
00:48:00,043 --> 00:48:02,679
to three Jumanjis, two Ride Alongs,

701
00:48:02,746 --> 00:48:05,482
two Die Harts, endless amounts
of Hart to Heart,

702
00:48:05,549 --> 00:48:07,384
and whatever make-a-wish situation

703
00:48:07,451 --> 00:48:10,020
you have going on
with the plastic fucking cup boys.

704
00:48:10,921 --> 00:48:13,190
So first, I'm here to apologize.

705
00:48:14,057 --> 00:48:16,593
And second, I'm here to do
something we don't see

706
00:48:16,660 --> 00:48:21,865
White people do enough of in Hollywood.
Take credit for a Black person's career.

707
00:48:26,737 --> 00:48:30,073
Kevin, I'm gonna circle back to you
in a minute because I am really here

708
00:48:30,140 --> 00:48:33,810
on behalf of women in America and abroad.

709
00:48:35,078 --> 00:48:39,416
Welcome to tonight's episode
of To Catch a Predator.

710
00:48:41,485 --> 00:48:44,721
This is a real who's who
of statutory rapists.

711
00:48:46,590 --> 00:48:50,227
We're all just lucky none
of you could afford an island.

712
00:48:53,030 --> 00:48:55,165
Netflix assembled this panel of men

713
00:48:55,232 --> 00:48:57,167
to remind us that there are worse things

714
00:48:57,234 --> 00:49:00,070
than Louis C.K. jerking off
in front of you.

715
00:49:01,104 --> 00:49:03,840
Congratulations, you guys. You did it.

716
00:49:03,907 --> 00:49:07,210
You helped sway the last election.
Way to go.

717
00:49:07,277 --> 00:49:09,379
You should be proud, boys.

718
00:49:11,515 --> 00:49:14,918
Now that your favorite leader
is making the draft mandatory,

719
00:49:14,985 --> 00:49:17,487
I assume that all of you will be
signing up to go fight in Iran.

720
00:49:17,554 --> 00:49:20,390
Or do you tough-talking pussies
only go to the Middle East

721
00:49:20,457 --> 00:49:24,828
for comedy festivals?

722
00:49:33,036 --> 00:49:35,405
Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

723
00:49:37,674 --> 00:49:42,446
Tony is what happens when women
don't have safe access to abortion care.

724
00:49:43,914 --> 00:49:47,884
Tony and Shane both live
in Texas where abortion is illegal,

725
00:49:47,951 --> 00:49:50,787
but on the upside,
if you see one of them doing comedy,

726
00:49:50,854 --> 00:49:52,189
there's a pretty good chance

727
00:49:52,255 --> 00:49:55,592
your uterus will start
dry heaving on its own.

728
00:49:57,561 --> 00:49:59,096
Tony is a real guy's guy,

729
00:49:59,162 --> 00:50:01,798
or what's more commonly known
as a bottom.

730
00:50:07,204 --> 00:50:09,339
Tony, you have the face
of a school shooter

731
00:50:09,406 --> 00:50:12,976
and the personality
of someone who gets shot first.

732
00:50:19,549 --> 00:50:23,553
Look at you, you look good.
You got like a little Hollywood glow up.

733
00:50:23,620 --> 00:50:26,890
I didn't know veneers came
in deli mustard yellow.

734
00:50:28,825 --> 00:50:31,294
But it actually looks
a little bit better in person.

735
00:50:31,361 --> 00:50:34,197
You must be using
Crest White supremacist strips.

736
00:50:36,500 --> 00:50:39,503
Tony and Shane,
this must be so exciting for you guys.

737
00:50:39,569 --> 00:50:40,937
Usually on Sunday nights,

738
00:50:41,004 --> 00:50:44,474
you just burn a cross
on someone's lawn.

739
00:50:44,541 --> 00:50:47,511
And tonight,
you get to roast a whole Black guy.

740
00:50:50,080 --> 00:50:52,716
Well, a half of one, because it's Kevin.

741
00:50:53,817 --> 00:50:55,952
Tony, quick question.
If you're here tonight,

742
00:50:56,019 --> 00:50:58,855
who's keeping Joe Rogan's balls warm
in their mouth?

743
00:51:08,398 --> 00:51:12,002
Big Jay Oakerson is here tonight.

744
00:51:12,069 --> 00:51:13,837
Let's keep moving.

745
00:51:13,904 --> 00:51:17,007
Sheryl Underwood, Regina Hall.

746
00:51:17,074 --> 00:51:19,776
I'm not gonna use my time
to insult two Black women

747
00:51:19,843 --> 00:51:22,546
when I'm dealing with this fucking
group of idiots.

748
00:51:23,513 --> 00:51:26,416
Draymond Green is here tonight.

749
00:51:26,483 --> 00:51:30,253
I like Draymond a lot.
I like what you're putting down.

750
00:51:30,320 --> 00:51:32,789
Draymond has achieved
something many Black men

751
00:51:32,856 --> 00:51:36,960
in the NBA have never accomplished.
He married a Black woman.

752
00:51:40,697 --> 00:51:42,833
In preparation for this roast,

753
00:51:42,899 --> 00:51:44,668
I looked up everybody's star signs,

754
00:51:44,734 --> 00:51:48,238
so I found out I'm a Pisces,
I know Pete is a Scorpio,

755
00:51:48,305 --> 00:51:51,975
and Jeff Ross has cancer.

756
00:51:57,347 --> 00:52:00,717
Let's give it up
for the least problematic man

757
00:52:00,784 --> 00:52:03,587
on the stage tonight, Pete Davidson!

758
00:52:05,655 --> 00:52:09,126
Whoever thought
I would say that sentence?

759
00:52:09,192 --> 00:52:11,661
Pete is our moral compass tonight.

760
00:52:11,728 --> 00:52:17,267
Pete recently welcomed his first child
that he knows of.

761
00:52:17,334 --> 00:52:18,768
A beautiful baby girl.

762
00:52:18,835 --> 00:52:20,670
Congratulations, Pete,
on becoming a father.

763
00:52:20,737 --> 00:52:22,873
I can see you've turned over a new leaf.

764
00:52:22,939 --> 00:52:25,442
I'm just glad that Tony Hinchcliffe
didn't have a baby

765
00:52:25,509 --> 00:52:28,011
and that he has a daughter now, you know?

766
00:52:28,078 --> 00:52:31,581
If he had a daughter,
her first words would be, "Me too."

767
00:52:38,555 --> 00:52:40,857
And now, sorry, if you had a son.

768
00:52:40,924 --> 00:52:43,093
And now, back to Kevin.

769
00:52:43,160 --> 00:52:45,328
Kevin had a DUI in 2013

770
00:52:45,395 --> 00:52:49,966
and then had a little dipsy
doodle off Mulholland in 2019.

771
00:52:50,033 --> 00:52:54,137
And then had the nerve
to call one of his movies Ride Along.

772
00:52:55,238 --> 00:52:58,175
Even Tiger Woods is like,
"No thanks, I'll walk."

773
00:53:01,678 --> 00:53:04,748
But I do want to congratulate you, Kevin,
on your tequila.

774
00:53:04,814 --> 00:53:08,318
Kevin's tequila is called Gran Coramino,

775
00:53:08,385 --> 00:53:12,489
which is Spanish
for "Eddie Murphy said fuck no."

776
00:53:13,590 --> 00:53:16,426
It's the only tequila brand
in the world where

777
00:53:16,493 --> 00:53:20,830
if you want to swallow
a tiny shriveled up little worm,

778
00:53:20,897 --> 00:53:24,267
Kevin will personally drive
to your house and face fuck you.

779
00:53:25,936 --> 00:53:27,737
I do want to say this,
however, about Kevin.

780
00:53:27,804 --> 00:53:30,140
Because Kevin is one of the few
male comedians

781
00:53:30,207 --> 00:53:33,910
who's never been gross
or inappropriate around me.

782
00:53:33,977 --> 00:53:38,782
He has never been disrespectful to me
or any other woman in his presence.

783
00:53:38,848 --> 00:53:42,852
And the only time
he ever said anything sexual

784
00:53:42,919 --> 00:53:46,423
was when he was shit-faced
at one of the Chelsea Lately wrap parties.

785
00:53:46,489 --> 00:53:50,227
And you were like, he was like,
"Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea."

786
00:53:51,695 --> 00:53:54,164
"Chelsea, you fucked the wrong Black guy."

787
00:53:55,665 --> 00:53:59,069
"You fucked the wrong Black guy."

788
00:53:59,135 --> 00:54:01,938
And I thought that was so cute
that you thought there was only one.

789
00:54:07,477 --> 00:54:11,014
Na'im is actually
starting to look familiar.

790
00:54:12,449 --> 00:54:16,653
But the worst thing about Kevin
is if you do Kevin one favor,

791
00:54:16,720 --> 00:54:19,756
he will never stop asking you
to do him more favors.

792
00:54:19,823 --> 00:54:22,792
And the reason people say yes
is because it's the only way

793
00:54:22,859 --> 00:54:25,462
to get you to shut the fuck up.

794
00:54:25,528 --> 00:54:29,132
And somehow you seem to think
that you're the greatest negotiator,

795
00:54:29,199 --> 00:54:30,634
"The best" is what you say.

796
00:54:30,700 --> 00:54:34,437
And I would like to let everyone here know
that the most recent favor Kevin asked me

797
00:54:34,504 --> 00:54:37,707
to do for him was to film
his TV show, Funny AF,

798
00:54:37,774 --> 00:54:40,110
which is a very gay name, by the way.

799
00:54:41,578 --> 00:54:44,981
It ended up being a great show.
You're right, it is a good show.

800
00:54:45,048 --> 00:54:49,586
But I was in Majorca at the time,
like any other rich white woman would be.

801
00:54:49,653 --> 00:54:52,922
So after I said no to Kevin
for the 11th time,

802
00:54:52,989 --> 00:54:58,528
Kevin chartered a private plane
for me and my entire family

803
00:54:58,595 --> 00:55:03,066
to fly from Spain to Los Angeles.

804
00:55:03,133 --> 00:55:06,803
Except here's the truth,
my family was never with me, Kevin.

805
00:55:06,870 --> 00:55:09,639
I just said
that to get you to leave me alone,

806
00:55:09,706 --> 00:55:15,645
so you chartered a 16-seat Gulfstream
for me and my dog.

807
00:55:17,514 --> 00:55:20,050
So I would like to correct the record

808
00:55:20,116 --> 00:55:23,687
from best negotiator
to huge fucking idiot.

809
00:55:23,753 --> 00:55:26,122
And on a nice note,

810
00:55:26,189 --> 00:55:28,024
since this is a roast
and everyone's so disgusting,

811
00:55:28,091 --> 00:55:31,294
I would just like to say,
as a woman, I am proud to be friends

812
00:55:31,361 --> 00:55:33,830
with a male comedian who respects women,

813
00:55:33,897 --> 00:55:37,534
who spends time with his family,
and who loves his wife, Eniko.

814
00:55:37,600 --> 00:55:39,869
That makes me proud to be your friend,

815
00:55:39,936 --> 00:55:42,605
so I'm gonna give you that,
you little fuckin' nugget.

816
00:55:58,388 --> 00:56:00,357
It takes a lot of people.

817
00:56:00,423 --> 00:56:02,892
Yeah, how about one more time for Chelsea?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

818
00:56:05,895 --> 00:56:06,863
Fucking asshole.

819
00:56:08,865 --> 00:56:11,735
It takes a lot of people to support
the career of Kevin Hart.

820
00:56:11,801 --> 00:56:14,637
Here to honor Kevin's stand ins
and body doubles,

821
00:56:14,704 --> 00:56:17,107
please welcome Lizzo.

822
00:56:45,368 --> 00:56:46,836
Come on. Fuck it up, baby.

823
00:56:48,938 --> 00:56:52,342
Go, Kevin! Go, Kevin! Go, Kevin!

824
00:57:00,183 --> 00:57:01,518
Make some noise, y'all!

825
00:57:05,255 --> 00:57:07,524
Give it up for my nigglets, y'all.

826
00:57:07,590 --> 00:57:10,326
We worked really hard on that.

827
00:57:10,393 --> 00:57:14,531
Well, well, well, Kevin.
So this is how you're able

828
00:57:14,597 --> 00:57:18,001
to make five shitty movies
at the same time.

829
00:57:18,067 --> 00:57:19,502
This is against union rules, you know.

830
00:57:19,569 --> 00:57:21,738
They gonna kick you out
the lollipop guild.

831
00:57:23,072 --> 00:57:25,241
Kevin, what's going on with this dais?

832
00:57:25,308 --> 00:57:26,843
I was promised real celebrities.

833
00:57:26,910 --> 00:57:30,246
Where are all your friends
from the Diddy files?

834
00:57:30,313 --> 00:57:31,881
You know all of them.

835
00:57:33,516 --> 00:57:37,387
I feel overdressed right now.
Do y'all like my outfit?

836
00:57:41,624 --> 00:57:43,793
I found it in Tony Hinchcliffe's closet.

837
00:57:43,860 --> 00:57:47,464
Right next to Tony Hinchcliffe.

838
00:57:47,530 --> 00:57:50,500
Actually heard that Tony's a fan
of my music,

839
00:57:50,567 --> 00:57:52,502
but the lyric is,
"blame it on the juice,"

840
00:57:52,569 --> 00:57:55,171
not "blame it on the Jews."

841
00:57:55,238 --> 00:57:57,707
What the fuck is wrong with you?

842
00:57:58,575 --> 00:58:01,077
Me and Tony
actually have something in common.

843
00:58:01,144 --> 00:58:05,849
I played James Madison's crystal flute
and he played Donald Trump's skin flute.

844
00:58:10,353 --> 00:58:13,189
Chelsea, a flute is something
you wrap your lips around

845
00:58:13,256 --> 00:58:15,291
that won't leave you after you blow it.

846
00:58:15,358 --> 00:58:17,126
Just want you to know that.

847
00:58:17,193 --> 00:58:19,262
Shane Gillis!

848
00:58:20,463 --> 00:58:23,032
Thank you for that introduction.
You look good.

849
00:58:23,099 --> 00:58:25,034
You been chasing your beer with milk?

850
00:58:28,304 --> 00:58:31,641
Shane Gillis…

851
00:58:31,708 --> 00:58:35,044
Shane Gillis looked like somebody
trying to draw Buzz Lightyear from memory.

852
00:58:38,147 --> 00:58:40,283
I just made that one up on the spot.

853
00:58:40,350 --> 00:58:43,686
Um…

854
00:58:43,753 --> 00:58:45,321
Shane, I wrote you a song.

855
00:58:45,388 --> 00:58:49,993
In case nobody told you today
You're special

856
00:58:50,193 --> 00:58:52,896
Thank you.

857
00:58:52,962 --> 00:58:55,732
Save some chromosomes
for the rest of us, boy.

858
00:58:57,233 --> 00:59:02,438
Draymond Green is here.

859
00:59:02,505 --> 00:59:05,808
Why is everyone booing him?
I'm excited to see you.

860
00:59:05,875 --> 00:59:08,144
Personally, I've never
seen Draymond Green in person.

861
00:59:08,211 --> 00:59:11,281
I always thought he was just
six Kevin Hart's in a trench coat.

862
00:59:12,715 --> 00:59:15,585
So, that's fucking cool. Um, Jeff Ross.

863
00:59:16,686 --> 00:59:20,023
Looking like my bloody tampon.

864
00:59:21,724 --> 00:59:23,192
Jeff got ready for tonight

865
00:59:23,259 --> 00:59:26,362
by spending a week
floating face down in a swimming pool.

866
00:59:27,997 --> 00:59:31,167
You know, I believe that everybody
is beautiful, except for you, Jeff.

867
00:59:31,234 --> 00:59:33,002
You ugly as shit.

868
00:59:33,069 --> 00:59:38,007
You look like a old, white, Black woman.

869
00:59:38,074 --> 00:59:40,343
Okay, okay, okay,
that was mean, that was mean.

870
00:59:40,410 --> 00:59:44,047
There's so much negativity here tonight
and y'all know that's not my thing.

871
00:59:44,113 --> 00:59:47,450
I like to write songs
that uplift and inspire women

872
00:59:47,517 --> 00:59:51,554
so that they don't make bad decisions
like fucking Pete Davidson.

873
00:59:53,690 --> 00:59:55,892
I'm sorry, I didn't wanna--
I would fuck you.

874
00:59:57,927 --> 01:00:00,897
There's more to that joke
and I'm just gonna stop it right there.

875
01:00:00,964 --> 01:00:04,867
Let's keep going.

876
01:00:04,934 --> 01:00:09,606
In all seriousness…

877
01:00:09,672 --> 01:00:10,740
In all…

878
01:00:10,807 --> 01:00:14,310
Oh, this is live? Okay, cool.

879
01:00:15,812 --> 01:00:18,881
But in all seriousness, Kevin, thank you.

880
01:00:18,948 --> 01:00:20,850
It's an honor to share the stage
with someone

881
01:00:20,917 --> 01:00:23,453
who's opened the door
for so many Black men.

882
01:00:23,519 --> 01:00:25,021
Thank you, Chelsea Handler.

883
01:00:25,088 --> 01:00:28,291
Wakanda forever!

884
01:00:31,094 --> 01:00:35,131
Chelsea, your set was incredible
and your tits are even better, babe.

885
01:00:35,198 --> 01:00:37,967
Whoo!

886
01:00:38,034 --> 01:00:39,936
Kevin and I are both mocked for our size,

887
01:00:40,003 --> 01:00:42,905
and we share that pain,
but I can lose weight.

888
01:00:42,972 --> 01:00:47,777
You can't get taller, nigga.

889
01:00:48,578 --> 01:00:51,080
Ain't no Ozempic
for being short and greasy.

890
01:00:54,083 --> 01:00:57,120
Kevin, thank you
for having me here tonight.

891
01:00:57,186 --> 01:01:00,089
And as a thank you,
I have a new album coming out…

892
01:01:02,325 --> 01:01:06,562
and I actually named it after you.
It's called "Bitch."

893
01:01:06,629 --> 01:01:10,066
You not just a bitch, you my bitch, Kevin.
I love you so much.

894
01:01:19,809 --> 01:01:23,813
Give it up for Lizzo.

895
01:01:23,880 --> 01:01:27,116
I'd really love to make fun of her,
but I met her earlier this week

896
01:01:27,183 --> 01:01:31,287
and she's actually pretty fucking cool.
Who would have thought that?

897
01:01:31,354 --> 01:01:35,258
But anyway, actually,
I'd still like to do it. Go back.

898
01:01:36,559 --> 01:01:39,996
Lizzo looks like the final boss
of a Red Lobster video game.

899
01:01:47,036 --> 01:01:52,108
People keep saying Lizzo's washed up,
but I believe the correct term is beached.

900
01:01:54,310 --> 01:01:58,915
Nice flute, you fat fucking bitch.

901
01:02:04,220 --> 01:02:07,223
We're having fun.

902
01:02:08,858 --> 01:02:10,893
I got him Lizzo, I got him Lizzo.

903
01:02:10,960 --> 01:02:13,262
No, come on, why you gotta get me?
I've been getting a lot.

904
01:02:13,329 --> 01:02:15,698
What the fuck's your problem, Chelsea?

905
01:02:15,765 --> 01:02:18,534
God damn.

906
01:02:18,601 --> 01:02:22,605
Guys, the next guy we're gonna talk about
is Pete Davidson.

907
01:02:22,672 --> 01:02:24,874
Pete Davidson is here to remind me

908
01:02:24,941 --> 01:02:27,810
that being on SNL
does not make you a better comedian.

909
01:02:29,946 --> 01:02:34,550
Pete showed up at the
Kids Choice Awards high on ketamine.

910
01:02:34,617 --> 01:02:36,953
I actually think
that's pretty fucking awesome.

911
01:02:38,121 --> 01:02:40,289
At least you didn't show up
to that event on Viagra

912
01:02:40,356 --> 01:02:42,024
like a lot of the people in this room did.

913
01:02:45,094 --> 01:02:46,829
There's a lot of pedophiles here.

914
01:02:50,733 --> 01:02:52,835
Pete, this is actually
an intervention for you.

915
01:02:52,902 --> 01:02:56,405
Please start doing drugs so you can be
fun and interesting again.

916
01:02:57,540 --> 01:03:00,743
He has a new podcast
on Netflix and it fucking sucks.

917
01:03:00,810 --> 01:03:03,379
I don't-- Pete's the fucking man.

918
01:03:03,446 --> 01:03:05,615
I love him. Make some noise.
Pete Davidson, everybody.

919
01:03:15,558 --> 01:03:17,760
All right. Wow.

920
01:03:18,928 --> 01:03:23,032
Look at this dais.
Can't call me a star fucker anymore.

921
01:03:25,401 --> 01:03:26,602
Great job hosting, Shane.

922
01:03:26,669 --> 01:03:29,839
You look like you got
CTE playing fantasy football.

923
01:03:35,411 --> 01:03:38,981
Shane, you got fired from SNL.
Do you know how hard that is?

924
01:03:39,048 --> 01:03:41,083
I tried for eight years
and couldn't do it.

925
01:03:42,819 --> 01:03:46,789
Tony Hinchcliffe is here,
looking like both a child molester

926
01:03:46,856 --> 01:03:49,826
and the doll they give the child
to show where he touched them.

927
01:03:54,597 --> 01:03:57,934
Tony reminds me of Charlie Kirk
in that he's definitely been on camera

928
01:03:58,000 --> 01:04:02,872
letting a guy unload in his throat.

929
01:04:04,173 --> 01:04:07,777
Oh, you don't know me?
You don't know me? Yeah.

930
01:04:07,844 --> 01:04:11,647
Yeah. Kill Tony.

931
01:04:11,714 --> 01:04:16,152
Please, someone, fucking kill Tony.

932
01:04:17,320 --> 01:04:19,655
Tony, nothing you say
tonight will hurt my feelings.

933
01:04:19,722 --> 01:04:23,659
I was in a beef with Kanye,
so I've taken shots from better gay Nazis.

934
01:04:23,726 --> 01:04:30,132
Thank you. Yeah.

935
01:04:30,199 --> 01:04:34,103
What's left of Lizzo is here.

936
01:04:34,170 --> 01:04:36,772
Either that or Eddie Murphy
just premiered the newest clump.

937
01:04:38,040 --> 01:04:40,409
Hercules! Hercules! No.

938
01:04:44,580 --> 01:04:48,818
Lizzo mostly dates men,
but identifies as LGB-B-Q

939
01:04:55,324 --> 01:04:56,659
Chelsea Handler is here.

940
01:04:56,726 --> 01:04:59,428
Thanks for saying nice things about me.
That was nice.

941
01:04:59,495 --> 01:05:03,866
Chelsea is so old that when she blew
50 Cent, he was just a nickel.

942
01:05:05,968 --> 01:05:10,506
Regina Hall is here. Pass.

943
01:05:10,573 --> 01:05:13,676
Na’im Lynn, also pass.

944
01:05:13,743 --> 01:05:18,347
Hi, Jeff. Jeff, you look
like the inside of a clam.

945
01:05:25,321 --> 01:05:28,891
Jeff looks like my dad
if he somehow survived 9/11.

946
01:05:37,166 --> 01:05:40,836
The Babadook,
I mean Sheryl Underwood is here.

947
01:05:40,903 --> 01:05:43,005
Hello ma'am.

948
01:05:45,541 --> 01:05:49,745
Sheryl has a daytime Emmy,
‘cause nobody could see her at night.

949
01:05:52,548 --> 01:05:54,817
We play hide and seek later,
you're on my team.

950
01:05:59,689 --> 01:06:03,659
I'm sorry.
By the way, guys, Sheryl isn't smiling.

951
01:06:03,726 --> 01:06:07,496
She's just unhinging her jaw
so she can swallow Kevin whole.

952
01:06:12,435 --> 01:06:13,769
Big Jay is here.

953
01:06:13,836 --> 01:06:16,906
Big Jay Oakerson, good friend of mine.
Love you.

954
01:06:16,973 --> 01:06:20,776
Women say Jay is like a big teddy bear,
because eventually they find out

955
01:06:20,843 --> 01:06:24,847
he's been recording them the whole time.

956
01:06:26,282 --> 01:06:28,951
Draymond Green is here. Yeah.

957
01:06:31,954 --> 01:06:36,392
Why do you look blacker than usual?
Is it because you got burnt by the suns?

958
01:06:36,459 --> 01:06:39,328
Ooh. Ooh.

959
01:06:40,463 --> 01:06:44,800
Thanks. Yeah. Yeah.

960
01:06:44,867 --> 01:06:46,268
Draymond's so dirty,

961
01:06:46,335 --> 01:06:49,305
even Magic Johnson refuses
to play with him.

962
01:06:51,774 --> 01:06:54,076
And of course, we have Kevin Hart.

963
01:06:55,077 --> 01:06:57,680
Yep. I love you too, buddy.

964
01:06:57,747 --> 01:07:01,183
What can you say about Kevin
that hasn't already been yelled out

965
01:07:01,250 --> 01:07:06,389
by a guy with Tourette's at the BAFTAs?

966
01:07:11,894 --> 01:07:16,699
Kevin looks like Draymond's Funko Pop.

967
01:07:19,602 --> 01:07:24,206
You know, I get lumped in a lot
with Kevin because we both performed

968
01:07:24,273 --> 01:07:26,008
at the Riyadh Comedy Festival.

969
01:07:26,075 --> 01:07:29,278
But the difference is, Kevin went
to Saudi Arabia for a day's work.

970
01:07:29,345 --> 01:07:31,747
Well, I've been owed
that money since I was seven.

971
01:07:31,814 --> 01:07:37,720
Yes, thank you.

972
01:07:39,455 --> 01:07:41,157
Yeah, that's all I wanted to do.

973
01:07:42,892 --> 01:07:45,961
First of all, I just want
to say I love you very much.

974
01:07:46,028 --> 01:07:49,498
You've always been super nice to me.
We actually met at the Bieber roast,

975
01:07:49,565 --> 01:07:51,901
which is super cool that now it's this.

976
01:07:53,169 --> 01:07:56,772
You're a very hardworking person,
and when it's all said and done, you know,

977
01:07:56,839 --> 01:07:59,708
in the comedy world, what's most important
is you'll be remembered.

978
01:07:59,775 --> 01:08:03,045
And I think that's fucking something.
So, thanks for having me.

979
01:08:12,788 --> 01:08:15,591
Yeah, Pete, hell yeah.
Give it up for Pete, he just killed.

980
01:08:15,658 --> 01:08:20,062
Fuck yeah, Pete.

981
01:08:21,564 --> 01:08:22,965
Now, we're gonna talk
about Draymond Green.

982
01:08:23,032 --> 01:08:24,400
Draymond Green is here.

983
01:08:25,835 --> 01:08:27,403
Yeah, fuck him.

984
01:08:31,140 --> 01:08:33,776
Draymond Green has
four NBA championships

985
01:08:33,843 --> 01:08:36,545
the way Ringo Starr
has 11 number one albums.

986
01:08:41,584 --> 01:08:42,818
Draymond's always taking credit

987
01:08:42,885 --> 01:08:45,821
for the accomplishments
of his more talented friends.

988
01:08:45,888 --> 01:08:49,725
See, Jeff? It's not just you.

989
01:08:49,792 --> 01:08:52,761
Draymond is the first player
to make four All-Star teams

990
01:08:52,828 --> 01:08:56,265
for just setting picks.

991
01:08:56,332 --> 01:08:59,301
Thought that would get more.
Fuck you guys. You don't know ball.

992
01:09:02,004 --> 01:09:04,039
Go ahead, make some noise.
Draymond Green, everybody.

993
01:09:04,106 --> 01:09:07,343
Give it up for Draymond.

994
01:09:19,989 --> 01:09:21,690
I think this is the part
where I'm supposed to say,

995
01:09:21,757 --> 01:09:25,794
"Fuck all of you for booing me."

996
01:09:25,861 --> 01:09:29,231
But I actually…

997
01:09:30,766 --> 01:09:33,502
But I actually need y'all to laugh
at these jokes they wrote for me,

998
01:09:33,569 --> 01:09:36,305
so y'all love apologies, I'm sorry, okay?

999
01:09:37,840 --> 01:09:40,309
I know I probably seem
a little uncomfortable up here,

1000
01:09:40,376 --> 01:09:42,077
but I'm in the NBA.

1001
01:09:42,144 --> 01:09:44,547
I'm not used to working around
this many white people.

1002
01:09:44,613 --> 01:09:48,017
I feel like Hoosiers in this bitch.

1003
01:09:50,052 --> 01:09:55,724
Kevin, you let all these white boys
talk bad about us, our culture,

1004
01:09:55,791 --> 01:09:59,094
our beautiful Black women.
You fucking sell out.

1005
01:09:59,161 --> 01:10:04,233
Uncle Tom ain't got shit on you.

1006
01:10:05,334 --> 01:10:08,337
And I'm putting cases
on all you white motherfuckers.

1007
01:10:08,404 --> 01:10:12,341
Shane Gillis, look at you.

1008
01:10:13,375 --> 01:10:14,777
Big pastry face.

1009
01:10:16,946 --> 01:10:21,884
That mustache.
You look like a 1930s baseball card.

1010
01:10:27,189 --> 01:10:30,893
If you look closely at Jeff Ross,
you'll notice he has no eyebrows.

1011
01:10:32,595 --> 01:10:35,364
They were lost when he went through
Kevin Hart's windshield.

1012
01:10:39,235 --> 01:10:43,472
If Kevin Hart had a video game,
they'd call it "Grand Theft-- Uh-oh."

1013
01:10:47,109 --> 01:10:48,777
Tony Hinchcliffe, what's up man?

1014
01:10:50,279 --> 01:10:52,982
Always flexing that he grew up
in the hood.

1015
01:10:53,048 --> 01:10:56,485
Well, yeah, that's what you were
to a fucking cross burning.

1016
01:10:59,488 --> 01:11:01,123
Pete Davidson's here.

1017
01:11:02,658 --> 01:11:08,530
Pete Davidson's here. Why?

1018
01:11:08,597 --> 01:11:10,132
You fucked a Kardashian.

1019
01:11:11,734 --> 01:11:13,335
You have those big ass lips

1020
01:11:13,402 --> 01:11:15,571
and terrible fucking
decision-making skills.

1021
01:11:16,839 --> 01:11:18,874
You get an N word pass.

1022
01:11:18,941 --> 01:11:21,977
It's only good for an hour,
and use it wisely.

1023
01:11:32,454 --> 01:11:35,491
I'll tell you who's having
a terrible Mother's Day.

1024
01:11:36,525 --> 01:11:41,297
Chelsea Handler's kids.

1025
01:11:41,363 --> 01:11:43,265
Chelsea's had so many abortions,

1026
01:11:43,332 --> 01:11:46,302
she's killed more innocent Blacks
than the LAPD.

1027
01:11:50,439 --> 01:11:52,508
Listen, I did not write these jokes.

1028
01:11:52,574 --> 01:11:54,877
Chelsea, you were really nice to me.
I'm sorry.

1029
01:11:57,179 --> 01:12:00,683
In her defense,
several of them were armed.

1030
01:12:03,285 --> 01:12:07,623
I should stop here.

1031
01:12:07,690 --> 01:12:11,527
And no, no, go back. We're not done.

1032
01:12:11,593 --> 01:12:13,028
Not fucking done here.

1033
01:12:13,095 --> 01:12:17,766
And no, I never have and never
will smash Chelsea Handler.

1034
01:12:17,833 --> 01:12:20,669
I'm Draymond Green.
I don't hit threes.

1035
01:12:34,683 --> 01:12:37,519
You might have seen
that three-point shootout

1036
01:12:37,586 --> 01:12:40,322
I did with Kevin. He was awful.

1037
01:12:41,390 --> 01:12:44,593
Kevin, you put up enough bricks
to build your dad a new crack house.

1038
01:12:48,831 --> 01:12:53,235
Just so Kevin didn't look terrible,
they deliberately had me miss shots.

1039
01:12:53,302 --> 01:12:58,240
I'm like, "Sure, anyone can blow
a shot, right, Kev?"

1040
01:12:58,307 --> 01:12:59,908
Like when you blew your shot
at the Oscars.

1041
01:12:59,975 --> 01:13:02,344
Oh, you son of a bitch.

1042
01:13:02,411 --> 01:13:03,746
What the fuck is your issue, man?

1043
01:13:05,581 --> 01:13:08,717
Kevin and I are boys.
We play poker together.

1044
01:13:08,784 --> 01:13:12,154
When we first started playing,
he didn't know anything.

1045
01:13:12,221 --> 01:13:13,889
I had to explain.

1046
01:13:13,956 --> 01:13:16,925
A straight flush is
what you should have done

1047
01:13:16,992 --> 01:13:18,560
with that Get Hard script.

1048
01:13:20,562 --> 01:13:23,232
You should have flushed
that piece of shit.

1049
01:13:24,333 --> 01:13:26,402
Kevin is terrible at cards.

1050
01:13:26,468 --> 01:13:29,671
He's gotten better,
but he's still fucking terrible.

1051
01:13:29,738 --> 01:13:33,909
He plays poker the way he makes
all his movies, bet it all on a flop.

1052
01:13:38,947 --> 01:13:42,050
We always clean him out,
because if you pay attention,

1053
01:13:42,117 --> 01:13:44,787
Kevin has a subtle tell.

1054
01:13:44,853 --> 01:13:46,755
"Oh, shit, pocket kings."

1055
01:13:46,822 --> 01:13:48,557
"I'm gonna beat all you motherfuckers."

1056
01:13:48,624 --> 01:13:51,093
"Dumb bitches, it's me, motherfuckers."

1057
01:13:55,564 --> 01:13:58,066
And you can always tell
when Kevin's bluffing.

1058
01:13:58,133 --> 01:14:00,869
Like when he says
how great the next special is gonna be.

1059
01:14:03,872 --> 01:14:05,607
I've seen all of Kevin's movies.

1060
01:14:05,674 --> 01:14:08,343
It's the only time I can go to a theater,

1061
01:14:08,410 --> 01:14:11,313
and the people sitting behind me
don't mind me blocking their view.

1062
01:14:13,682 --> 01:14:17,586
During Borderlands,
I heard someone yell, "Up in front!"

1063
01:14:22,057 --> 01:14:23,258
They didn't write a joke for Na'im.

1064
01:14:23,325 --> 01:14:26,295
They didn't-- The writers didn't know
who the fuck you were.

1065
01:14:27,629 --> 01:14:30,432
But I'm here for you,
Kev, because we're family.

1066
01:14:31,633 --> 01:14:35,237
People don't know this, but my wife
and your wife are cousins.

1067
01:14:36,271 --> 01:14:40,042
They say you can choose your friends,
but you can't choose your family.

1068
01:14:40,108 --> 01:14:43,445
If I could do that,
I'd be at a fucking Dave Chappelle roast.

1069
01:14:43,512 --> 01:14:44,613
Thank y'all.

1070
01:14:55,524 --> 01:14:56,959
Great job, Draymond.

1071
01:14:58,093 --> 01:14:59,228
Way to go, Draymond.

1072
01:15:00,829 --> 01:15:02,197
Here we go now, Draymond.

1073
01:15:04,566 --> 01:15:07,002
It's pretty good, fuck. All right.

1074
01:15:07,069 --> 01:15:11,340
Uh… …next guy is, uh, Big Jay Oakerson.

1075
01:15:11,406 --> 01:15:14,610
Now, a lot of people, yeah, hell, yeah.

1076
01:15:14,676 --> 01:15:16,044
A lot of people don't know this,

1077
01:15:16,111 --> 01:15:19,047
but Big Jay actually got
his start playing banjo

1078
01:15:19,114 --> 01:15:21,683
with the other animatronic bears
on Splash Mountain.

1079
01:15:24,987 --> 01:15:28,323
Jay and Kevin were
once best friends.

1080
01:15:28,390 --> 01:15:31,059
Jay, if it makes you feel any better,
if Kevin didn't abandon you,

1081
01:15:31,126 --> 01:15:33,529
you would have just ended up
like fucking Na'im Lynn.

1082
01:15:36,465 --> 01:15:40,235
All right, I thought
that was pretty funny, okay.

1083
01:15:40,302 --> 01:15:43,338
Uh, for real, I do love you
and I hope this goes well for you.

1084
01:15:43,405 --> 01:15:46,608
You're the fucking man…
…make some noise, Big Jay Oakerson.

1085
01:15:54,216 --> 01:15:58,287
Oh, thank you. What's up?
Thank you, Roots.

1086
01:15:59,888 --> 01:16:03,692
Hear it for them. What, is this place
falling the fuck asleep?

1087
01:16:03,759 --> 01:16:06,695
Let's fucking go, everyone.
What a crowd, goddamn.

1088
01:16:06,762 --> 01:16:12,668
T-Pain, fucking MGK,
John fucking Stamos.

1089
01:16:12,734 --> 01:16:15,737
Why is John Stamos at a Kevin Hart roast?

1090
01:16:15,804 --> 01:16:18,874
He is? John Stamos is your friend.

1091
01:16:18,941 --> 01:16:20,642
-Yes.
-There were no Black people on Full House.

1092
01:16:22,911 --> 01:16:26,248
Shane Gillis, how good is Shane Gillis
doing tonight, everybody? Come on.

1093
01:16:28,550 --> 01:16:31,219
Isn't Shane what we all thought
Schwarzenegger and the maid's kid

1094
01:16:31,286 --> 01:16:33,822
was gonna look like?

1095
01:16:33,889 --> 01:16:36,291
A big lummoxed body
with a Mexican lady mustache?

1096
01:16:39,027 --> 01:16:41,830
Jeff Ross, the Roastmaster General
is here, everybody.

1097
01:16:44,299 --> 01:16:48,737
Jeff Ross, if you're not a pedophile,
God sure thought you were gonna be.

1098
01:16:49,871 --> 01:16:53,875
Because why would he make your face
look like a thumbprint cookie? You…

1099
01:16:53,942 --> 01:16:58,714
Jeff Ross looks like he ferries people
to Epstein Island in a hot air balloon.

1100
01:16:58,780 --> 01:17:01,483
And I wrote that without even knowing
how he was gonna dress tonight.

1101
01:17:06,588 --> 01:17:09,524
The queen of roasting
is not here tonight, Nikki Glaser,

1102
01:17:09,591 --> 01:17:13,862
of course, because it's Chelsea Handler's
week with the substance.

1103
01:17:17,699 --> 01:17:20,135
They each get one week,
you can't cross over.

1104
01:17:23,605 --> 01:17:25,841
Handler, you old bag of Botox.

1105
01:17:25,907 --> 01:17:27,909
I feel like you're a girl
that I would call by her last name

1106
01:17:27,976 --> 01:17:29,645
if I knew you better. "Handler."

1107
01:17:29,711 --> 01:17:33,348
You know, Handler here
famously had sex with 50 Cent

1108
01:17:33,415 --> 01:17:36,351
and Asian-American comedian Jo Koy.

1109
01:17:36,418 --> 01:17:39,921
Damn, Goldilocks, what is your problem
with regular-sized dicks?

1110
01:17:39,988 --> 01:17:42,991
Do you have to try them all out first?

1111
01:17:45,093 --> 01:17:47,062
Chelsea Handler and 50 Cent sex.

1112
01:17:47,129 --> 01:17:49,898
What do you guys think that smells like?
I bet you got some ideas.

1113
01:17:49,965 --> 01:17:51,967
I wrote a few down.

1114
01:17:54,069 --> 01:17:59,808
Lilac and corn chips.
Witch hazel and purple vitamin water.

1115
01:17:59,875 --> 01:18:03,011
Logan Berry and fired gun.

1116
01:18:03,078 --> 01:18:06,281
Old hands and new sneakers.
You could play at home if you want.

1117
01:18:07,749 --> 01:18:12,054
Pumpkin spice and P Diddy rumors.
#50CentHandlerSmells.

1118
01:18:14,556 --> 01:18:16,291
Sheryl Underwood is here.

1119
01:18:16,358 --> 01:18:19,094
Sheryl Underwood, a comedy legend.

1120
01:18:19,161 --> 01:18:23,932
And a beautiful Black woman,
with the word "Black" in bold italics.

1121
01:18:23,999 --> 01:18:27,469
Sheryl Underwood is as Black
as the road is black.

1122
01:18:27,536 --> 01:18:31,640
She looks like somebody made a genie wish
for a puddle of mud to come to life.

1123
01:18:33,208 --> 01:18:36,712
Sheryl Underwood is as Black
as interstellar phenomenon.

1124
01:18:36,778 --> 01:18:38,313
If she stood against a brick wall,

1125
01:18:38,380 --> 01:18:40,148
the roadrunner could run
right through her.

1126
01:18:41,950 --> 01:18:44,686
Sheryl Underwood is so Black,
we had to bring on Draymond Green

1127
01:18:44,753 --> 01:18:46,855
just to color-balance the fucking cameras.

1128
01:18:56,164 --> 01:18:57,499
We became friends earlier.

1129
01:18:59,167 --> 01:19:01,069
My good friend Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

1130
01:19:04,206 --> 01:19:07,075
Tony fucking Hinchcliffe is here!
Make some noise, God damn.

1131
01:19:10,345 --> 01:19:13,715
A lot of people might not remember,
but Tony actually got cancelled one time

1132
01:19:13,782 --> 01:19:18,220
by his very own Asian opener
for calling Tony a racist, yeah.

1133
01:19:18,286 --> 01:19:22,557
And then Tony hired a new Asian opener
to prove that he wasn't a racist.

1134
01:19:22,624 --> 01:19:24,993
which I thought
was the original Asian opener

1135
01:19:25,060 --> 01:19:28,530
because I'm a racist.

1136
01:19:32,367 --> 01:19:35,036
How about Tony's mouth, by the way?
All the mouths over here.

1137
01:19:35,103 --> 01:19:39,808
Pete Davidson's fucking mouth is crazy.
I've known Pete since he was 17 years old.

1138
01:19:39,875 --> 01:19:41,777
I always dreamed that one day
his head and body would grow

1139
01:19:41,843 --> 01:19:47,048
into his teeth and dick.

1140
01:19:47,115 --> 01:19:48,750
Between Tony, Pete, Sheryl,
we don't need chairs up here.

1141
01:19:48,817 --> 01:19:50,185
We need fucking stables.

1142
01:19:51,753 --> 01:19:54,823
Thank God we kept them all
over here before they buck Handler.

1143
01:19:57,459 --> 01:20:00,362
You know, Lizzo, how about that?
How crazy is that?

1144
01:20:00,428 --> 01:20:02,397
Lizzo probably doesn't even know this.

1145
01:20:02,464 --> 01:20:05,300
She doesn't even know this,
but we were in a movie together.

1146
01:20:05,367 --> 01:20:08,470
We were in the movie Hustlers
where I played a strip club DJ

1147
01:20:08,537 --> 01:20:14,342
and Lizzo very bravely portrayed
a stripper, very bravely.

1148
01:20:14,409 --> 01:20:15,410
In fact, it was so brave

1149
01:20:15,477 --> 01:20:17,245
that every time she'd come on set
in her stripper outfit,

1150
01:20:17,312 --> 01:20:19,681
I would get in trouble
for starting slow claps.

1151
01:20:30,425 --> 01:20:32,194
And finally, the reason
that we're all here,

1152
01:20:32,260 --> 01:20:34,729
the one, the only,
my boy Kevin Hart, everyone.

1153
01:20:38,934 --> 01:20:41,169
I've known Kevin
for twenty-eight years now,

1154
01:20:41,236 --> 01:20:44,105
and it's a strange thing
because I only actually knew him

1155
01:20:44,172 --> 01:20:48,810
for the first five years,
so I know pre-famous Kev.

1156
01:20:48,877 --> 01:20:50,979
I don't know famous Kevin at all.

1157
01:20:51,046 --> 01:20:54,082
Famous Kevin is sitting
on sixty-seven unanswered texts

1158
01:20:54,149 --> 01:20:57,652
from me, up
to and including, "Hey, Kev,

1159
01:20:57,719 --> 01:21:00,388
super psyched for the roast,
thanks for including me."

1160
01:21:03,525 --> 01:21:05,927
I don't know
the guy farting out Fabletics ads

1161
01:21:05,994 --> 01:21:07,629
or staring down
the dick hole

1162
01:21:07,696 --> 01:21:10,799
of General Insurance hype man
Shaquille O'Neal or…

1163
01:21:12,500 --> 01:21:14,636
shoving your fucking
dumb tequila down our throats.

1164
01:21:14,703 --> 01:21:17,138
I know the person, Kevin Hart.

1165
01:21:17,205 --> 01:21:21,343
And I have a story I wanted to close
on about Kev that means…

1166
01:21:23,478 --> 01:21:25,547
This is actually emotional,
this is good.

1167
01:21:26,581 --> 01:21:27,916
In 2012,

1168
01:21:32,487 --> 01:21:36,791
Hurricane Sandy devastated me.
I lived in Long Island, New York.

1169
01:21:36,858 --> 01:21:40,962
I lost-- The place I was living
was all fucked up and my car.

1170
01:21:43,498 --> 01:21:45,300
I had no money.

1171
01:21:45,367 --> 01:21:48,603
I was broke and with my wife
and my daughter,

1172
01:21:48,670 --> 01:21:49,905
and just a humiliating time.

1173
01:21:49,971 --> 01:21:52,440
And as word started
to spread that I got fucked up

1174
01:21:52,507 --> 01:21:56,645
by this hurricane so bad, I started
getting phone calls after years,

1175
01:21:56,711 --> 01:22:00,448
from Kev, and I kept seeing his number,
and I wouldn't answer.

1176
01:22:00,515 --> 01:22:03,752
I was too full of ego
and pride and like…

1177
01:22:07,155 --> 01:22:08,723
I was too embarrassed to take his calls.

1178
01:22:08,790 --> 01:22:11,259
I knew he was going to try to come in
and save the day and give me money

1179
01:22:11,326 --> 01:22:13,962
or something, and I was just,
I didn't want to deal with it.

1180
01:22:14,029 --> 01:22:18,033
And then I got a phone call
from our mentor.

1181
01:22:18,099 --> 01:22:21,870
Me and Kev had the same mentor,
who is an amazing guy.

1182
01:22:21,937 --> 01:22:25,774
The guy who helped so many comics
come up and probably the reason

1183
01:22:25,840 --> 01:22:28,310
that me and you are even
standing here today,

1184
01:22:28,376 --> 01:22:30,745
the guy who taught us everything,
our mentor,

1185
01:22:30,812 --> 01:22:32,781
the late, great Keith Robinson.

1186
01:22:32,847 --> 01:22:35,717
No, he's still alive.

1187
01:22:43,224 --> 01:22:46,928
He's still alive. He's still alive, man.

1188
01:22:49,464 --> 01:22:50,532
He's still alive?

1189
01:22:50,598 --> 01:22:52,801
-He's still alive, Jay.
-Oh.

1190
01:22:52,867 --> 01:22:54,569
He died to me after you got famous.

1191
01:22:54,636 --> 01:22:58,206
Hey, Keith.

1192
01:22:59,374 --> 01:23:00,375
Well…

1193
01:23:02,110 --> 01:23:03,645
Well, anyway, Keith called me.

1194
01:23:07,983 --> 01:23:09,851
And I answered the phone for Keith.

1195
01:23:10,952 --> 01:23:14,856
And Keith, in his old seventies
pimp voice said, he goes, "Hey."

1196
01:23:14,923 --> 01:23:17,859
"Answer the phone for Kev.
He's trying to call you."

1197
01:23:17,926 --> 01:23:19,094
"He wants to help you out."

1198
01:23:19,160 --> 01:23:21,863
And I said, "No,
I'm not answering the phone."

1199
01:23:21,930 --> 01:23:23,231
"I know he's trying to give me money."

1200
01:23:23,298 --> 01:23:25,166
"It's going to make me feel
uncomfortable."

1201
01:23:25,233 --> 01:23:27,802
"I'm embarrassed. I can't do it."

1202
01:23:27,869 --> 01:23:31,439
And then Keith told me,
he goes, "Come on, man, stop."

1203
01:23:31,506 --> 01:23:33,742
He's trying to give you
ten thousand dollars.

1204
01:23:36,144 --> 01:23:40,081
And that, like, at the time,
that was a gazillion dollars to me.

1205
01:23:40,148 --> 01:23:41,082
It was everything.

1206
01:23:41,149 --> 01:23:43,051
And I said, "No, I can't take it.
It's too much."

1207
01:23:43,118 --> 01:23:44,786
"I can't pay it back."

1208
01:23:44,853 --> 01:23:46,688
And he said, "He's not trying
to get you to pay it back,

1209
01:23:46,755 --> 01:23:49,557
he wants to give it to you."
And I said, "No, I can't do it."

1210
01:23:49,624 --> 01:23:51,659
"It's insane, it's too much money."

1211
01:23:51,726 --> 01:23:57,098
And then Keith, in his wise words,
said to me, "It's insultingly low."

1212
01:24:03,638 --> 01:24:06,374
And in hindsight, he's right.
Ten thousand--

1213
01:24:06,441 --> 01:24:09,477
He'd already done Ride Along,
five, six movies, easy already.

1214
01:24:12,881 --> 01:24:14,983
But whether it was low or not,
what it did was, Kev,

1215
01:24:15,050 --> 01:24:17,919
it got me back on my feet enough
that I was able

1216
01:24:17,986 --> 01:24:22,357
to get my wife and daughter back
into our apartment.

1217
01:24:22,424 --> 01:24:24,159
And then I was able
to take the rest of that money,

1218
01:24:24,225 --> 01:24:26,461
and in true Kevin Hart fashion,

1219
01:24:26,528 --> 01:24:28,596
immediately leave my first family.

1220
01:24:30,198 --> 01:24:32,700
So thank you, Kev,
for sending me on my way, my man.

1221
01:24:32,767 --> 01:24:34,002
I love you so much.

1222
01:24:35,403 --> 01:24:36,604
Thank you for having me.

1223
01:24:43,711 --> 01:24:45,246
Big Jay Oakerson, everybody.

1224
01:24:45,313 --> 01:24:46,548
Keep it going for Jay.

1225
01:24:51,252 --> 01:24:54,556
We asked Teyana Taylor to be here
at the roast tonight,

1226
01:24:54,622 --> 01:24:58,927
but she sent a letter
explaining why she couldn't be here.

1227
01:24:58,993 --> 01:25:02,697
Now to read that letter, please welcome
Teyana Taylor, everybody.

1228
01:25:20,415 --> 01:25:21,916
Thank you, thank you.

1229
01:25:41,803 --> 01:25:47,142
Dear Kevin, first of all,
what's up, bitch?

1230
01:25:49,611 --> 01:25:52,480
Two plus two not
knowing what the fuck it is, bitch.

1231
01:25:54,182 --> 01:25:57,785
Built like you asked for one adult ticket
with confidence, bitch.

1232
01:25:57,852 --> 01:26:00,054
How you doing?

1233
01:26:00,121 --> 01:26:01,556
Kevin, I'm writing you this letter
from my kitchen

1234
01:26:01,623 --> 01:26:04,659
because one of your movies
is playing in my living room right now,

1235
01:26:04,726 --> 01:26:07,228
and my five-year-old yelled out
that you was built like you came

1236
01:26:07,295 --> 01:26:09,931
with triple-A batteries in a Barbie car.

1237
01:26:09,998 --> 01:26:12,867
My ten-year-old asked,
"Mommy if Uncle Kev is five-three

1238
01:26:12,934 --> 01:26:15,336
and I'm four-ten,
how am I still taller than him?"

1239
01:26:15,403 --> 01:26:17,138
And…

1240
01:26:18,473 --> 01:26:22,677
And honestly, Kev, I couldn't answer that.
Just couldn't answer that.

1241
01:26:22,744 --> 01:26:24,546
Anyways, I couldn't make it tonight

1242
01:26:24,612 --> 01:26:26,681
because I didn't want to show off the--

1243
01:26:26,748 --> 01:26:28,483
you know, I didn't want to throw off
the balance of the dais

1244
01:26:28,550 --> 01:26:33,388
by adding Oscar nominee, Time Woman
of the Year, Golden Globe winner,

1245
01:26:33,454 --> 01:26:35,857
you know, to the lineup.

1246
01:26:35,924 --> 01:26:41,629
That just… That just wouldn't be fair
to anybody, especially you.

1247
01:26:41,696 --> 01:26:45,567
See, I feel like roasting you
is kind of beneath me, you know?

1248
01:26:45,633 --> 01:26:48,203
I know it's kind of like a foreign thing,
a foreign concept,

1249
01:26:48,269 --> 01:26:51,706
because it's literally nothing
that is beneath you, but still.

1250
01:26:53,408 --> 01:26:55,643
I would never say something so hateful

1251
01:26:55,710 --> 01:26:57,812
like "I starred
in One Battle After Another

1252
01:26:57,879 --> 01:27:01,282
while Kevin's career
has been one bomb after another."

1253
01:27:01,349 --> 01:27:04,986
I mean, that would just be so cruel,
you know?

1254
01:27:05,053 --> 01:27:11,159
I would never do that, Kev.
That's Rotten Tomatoes' job, but unlike…

1255
01:27:12,293 --> 01:27:15,496
But unlike those very fair
and balanced critics,

1256
01:27:15,563 --> 01:27:18,066
I actually respect you a little bit.

1257
01:27:18,132 --> 01:27:20,235
That's why I asked you
to present me with my award

1258
01:27:20,301 --> 01:27:22,203
at Elle Woman in Hollywood.

1259
01:27:22,270 --> 01:27:24,739
But you was fake busy,
talking about some, "I tried,

1260
01:27:24,806 --> 01:27:27,375
I tried, Jumanji doing reshoots,
head ass…" Shut up!

1261
01:27:28,643 --> 01:27:32,547
The fuck? So with that being said,
why would I come to your shit?

1262
01:27:32,614 --> 01:27:36,351
Well, to be the bigger person, obviously.

1263
01:27:37,185 --> 01:27:40,321
Which honestly
isn't really hard around you.

1264
01:27:40,388 --> 01:27:43,424
But most importantly,

1265
01:27:43,491 --> 01:27:46,794
Netflix paid me a lot of fucking money
to write this letter.

1266
01:27:46,861 --> 01:27:48,763
Ain't this a bitch?

1267
01:27:49,964 --> 01:27:52,100
Be my fucking friend and be here.

1268
01:27:52,166 --> 01:27:55,970
I'm here. I'm here. I'm here
and this letter. I'm here. I'm here, here.

1269
01:27:56,037 --> 01:27:57,739
Because I damn sure
wasn't doing this shit for free.

1270
01:27:57,805 --> 01:27:58,940
I ain't going to hold you, Kev.

1271
01:27:59,007 --> 01:28:02,910
But for the right price,
here I am with this heartfelt letter.

1272
01:28:02,977 --> 01:28:06,681
Four-page letter. Signed it with a kiss.
Sealed it with a kiss, baby shit.

1273
01:28:07,882 --> 01:28:09,717
Um, you know what's so crazy?

1274
01:28:09,784 --> 01:28:12,453
I remember when we first met,
about 15 years ago,

1275
01:28:12,520 --> 01:28:14,088
-at a Halloween party.
-Yeah.

1276
01:28:14,155 --> 01:28:17,125
I was dressed
as white boy Bob from Marketing,

1277
01:28:17,191 --> 01:28:19,727
and you were dressed as Eddie Murphy.
Here's a photo.

1278
01:28:21,529 --> 01:28:26,901
Yeah. It's a good time.
We had a good time, T.

1279
01:28:26,968 --> 01:28:30,004
We had a good time this night, T.

1280
01:28:30,071 --> 01:28:34,242
I remember this night.
We had a good fucking time.

1281
01:28:34,309 --> 01:28:36,711
Tell the people
that we had a good fucking time.

1282
01:28:37,812 --> 01:28:39,647
Tell them that we had
a good fucking time, T.

1283
01:28:39,714 --> 01:28:41,716
I got you. I got you.

1284
01:28:41,783 --> 01:28:45,286
Man, we had a great time.
You know, look at us.

1285
01:28:45,353 --> 01:28:47,755
Just young and, you know, like,

1286
01:28:47,822 --> 01:28:49,857
it was really a time--
especially at a time where,

1287
01:28:49,924 --> 01:28:52,126
like, everybody wanted
to wear the sexy costumes.

1288
01:28:52,193 --> 01:28:53,761
Them bitches was kittens and shit.

1289
01:28:53,828 --> 01:28:55,697
You know, and then here
our dumbasses just looking

1290
01:28:55,763 --> 01:28:59,233
like Thomas Jefferson
and one of his unclaimed Black kids.

1291
01:29:01,202 --> 01:29:05,540
Yeah. I ain't gonna front. We both got
some audacity in that picture.

1292
01:29:05,606 --> 01:29:07,742
But, Kevin, you…

1293
01:29:07,809 --> 01:29:13,514
dressed up as an iconic,
funny comedian is unbelievable

1294
01:29:13,581 --> 01:29:16,884
and is disrespectful and is inappropriate.
Don't ever do that shit again.

1295
01:29:19,020 --> 01:29:20,888
But in all seriousness,
bro, no, real shit.

1296
01:29:20,955 --> 01:29:23,224
Bro, this is the serious part.
I'm so serious.

1297
01:29:23,291 --> 01:29:27,762
I really, truly love you.
You are a fucking little icon.

1298
01:29:27,829 --> 01:29:31,065
And like…

1299
01:29:31,132 --> 01:29:33,234
No, I really do.
Like, you're a fucking legend,

1300
01:29:33,301 --> 01:29:35,603
and I mean that
from the bottom of my heart,

1301
01:29:35,670 --> 01:29:38,706
which thankfully for you
is still above your head.

1302
01:29:40,608 --> 01:29:42,910
-I'm sorry.
-You just said you was done.

1303
01:29:42,977 --> 01:29:46,814
You said you were done.
Be fucking sweet. Come on.

1304
01:29:46,881 --> 01:29:50,218
Be nice to me. Come on.
Fucking, we're friends.

1305
01:29:50,284 --> 01:29:54,188
-We're real friends. Be my fucking friend.
-My feelings is hurt.

1306
01:29:54,255 --> 01:29:56,657
-My letter's over.
-Okay. Oh, no.

1307
01:29:56,724 --> 01:29:59,193
-Sincerely yours, T.
-Oh, no, Teyana.

1308
01:29:59,260 --> 01:30:04,198
No, Teyana, don't storm off.
Teyana, don't storm off.

1309
01:30:04,265 --> 01:30:06,768
Fuck.

1310
01:30:09,170 --> 01:30:11,005
Make the people give some love.

1311
01:30:11,072 --> 01:30:12,840
Hey, keep it going for Teyana, everybody.

1312
01:30:12,907 --> 01:30:15,643
-Thank you, Shane.
-Man.

1313
01:30:17,378 --> 01:30:21,215
Thank God she's good looking, cuz boy,
is that bitch not funny at all.

1314
01:30:21,282 --> 01:30:25,420
Also, Pete, Pete.

1315
01:30:28,356 --> 01:30:31,426
Pete, you're the only one
that can do it. Do it, brother.

1316
01:30:31,492 --> 01:30:33,127
Holy shit.

1317
01:30:34,462 --> 01:30:37,131
Just don't let her read
a letter again ever. Uh…

1318
01:30:43,304 --> 01:30:46,774
Hopefully she gets mad at me
and talks to me later.

1319
01:30:48,843 --> 01:30:52,513
Tony Hinchcliffe is here. Yes.

1320
01:30:54,515 --> 01:30:57,218
Tony reminds me
of a prince who studies gladiators.

1321
01:30:58,853 --> 01:31:02,356
Look at the physique. Fuck yeah.

1322
01:31:02,423 --> 01:31:05,226
I'm so fucking entertained right now.
Fuck yeah.

1323
01:31:07,128 --> 01:31:09,230
I thought it was funny, dude.

1324
01:31:09,297 --> 01:31:12,633
All right, get ready to hear
some real racist jokes

1325
01:31:12,700 --> 01:31:16,237
from a guy who truly believes them
and hopes JD Vance is watching.

1326
01:31:17,805 --> 01:31:20,908
Guys, Tony Hinchcliffe.
Make some noise for Tony.

1327
01:31:27,415 --> 01:31:31,219
Hell yeah. One more time
for Teyana Taylor, everybody.

1328
01:31:31,285 --> 01:31:33,488
That was amazing. This roast is so ghetto,

1329
01:31:33,554 --> 01:31:37,291
I thought I heard a fire alarm chirp
at one point during her set.

1330
01:31:39,227 --> 01:31:42,497
Are you still watching?
One more time for Shane Gillis.

1331
01:31:42,563 --> 01:31:46,534
He looks like the type of slave owner
that you can trick into buying Kevin Hart.

1332
01:31:48,102 --> 01:31:52,039
Uh, so, uh, he'll get bigger, right? Uh…

1333
01:31:52,106 --> 01:31:57,478
If Kevin was a slave, his song would be,
"Let My People Grow."

1334
01:31:58,746 --> 01:32:02,183
This is a big roast. Kevin Hart is trying
to fill Tom Brady's shoes.

1335
01:32:02,250 --> 01:32:04,652
A lot of extra space.

1336
01:32:04,719 --> 01:32:09,190
That's like Pete Davidson's dick
trying to fill Kim Kardashian's vagina.

1337
01:32:09,257 --> 01:32:11,158
Indeed, the closest Pete has come

1338
01:32:11,225 --> 01:32:13,528
to greatness
is when his dick rubbed up

1339
01:32:13,594 --> 01:32:15,596
against some of Kanye's old cum.

1340
01:32:17,298 --> 01:32:20,501
Nobody can name a joke
or a sketch you've ever done, Pete.

1341
01:32:20,568 --> 01:32:22,436
If your father
could see how you turned out,

1342
01:32:22,503 --> 01:32:24,005
he'd be rolling in his rubble.

1343
01:32:25,373 --> 01:32:28,376
Regina Hall is here.
She was in a hit movie,

1344
01:32:28,442 --> 01:32:32,513
One Battle After Another,
which is how Lizzo describes stairs.

1345
01:32:32,580 --> 01:32:34,515
Yeah.

1346
01:32:44,425 --> 01:32:48,029
We knew Chelsea Handler
would be available today

1347
01:32:48,095 --> 01:32:51,532
because it's Mother's Day.

1348
01:32:51,599 --> 01:32:57,705
Chelsea is a Jew, that's why she's here.
That's also the best thing about her.

1349
01:32:57,772 --> 01:32:59,173
She once dated 50 Cent,

1350
01:32:59,240 --> 01:33:02,577
not the first time
a Jew bent over for 50 Cent.

1351
01:33:04,045 --> 01:33:06,347
Chelsea, why so serious?

1352
01:33:07,515 --> 01:33:10,384
She looks like the fucking Joker, people.

1353
01:33:10,451 --> 01:33:13,187
She's aging like a vegetable
in Lizzo's fridge.

1354
01:33:14,755 --> 01:33:18,059
Yeah, and she fucking sucks,
and always has, by the way.

1355
01:33:18,125 --> 01:33:21,295
Her whole act is just talking
about how it's stupid to have kids.

1356
01:33:21,362 --> 01:33:23,998
We get it, your ovaries are busted.

1357
01:33:24,065 --> 01:33:26,867
That's like if Kevin's whole act
was about how roller coasters

1358
01:33:26,934 --> 01:33:30,237
aren't that cool anyway.

1359
01:33:31,639 --> 01:33:34,475
But seriously,
Chelsea actually had her eggs frozen,

1360
01:33:34,542 --> 01:33:37,945
not on purpose, they're just inside
of a cold, frigid bitch.

1361
01:33:40,581 --> 01:33:44,885
Yeah. I call her Sterile Underwood.

1362
01:33:45,987 --> 01:33:50,257
Sheryl Underwood, more like Under A Rock,
who even is this bitch?

1363
01:33:50,324 --> 01:33:54,295
You look like a grape Laffy Taffy
that went through the dryer.

1364
01:33:54,362 --> 01:33:58,432
How have you been sitting next to me
and playing drums the whole night?

1365
01:34:00,101 --> 01:34:05,773
That hair, the purple,
you look like your own pussy.

1366
01:34:07,308 --> 01:34:09,944
She was on a show called
The Talk for 13 years.

1367
01:34:10,011 --> 01:34:11,946
If you never saw it,
here's what you missed.

1368
01:34:12,013 --> 01:34:18,486
"No, no, no, hold up,
let me, no, no, no, no, let me talk."

1369
01:34:18,552 --> 01:34:21,155
Her husband committed suicide
three years into their marriage.

1370
01:34:21,222 --> 01:34:23,557
I've been sitting next to her
for two hours and I have to ask,

1371
01:34:23,624 --> 01:34:25,660
how did he last that long?

1372
01:34:28,295 --> 01:34:33,734
Draymond Green is a naughty guy.
He has paid four million dollars in fines.

1373
01:34:33,801 --> 01:34:38,172
Did you name your daughter Cash
because you plan on losing her anyway?

1374
01:34:38,239 --> 01:34:41,942
Cash, amazing.

1375
01:34:42,009 --> 01:34:46,614
She won't even have to change her name
when she gets hired at the strip club.

1376
01:34:48,683 --> 01:34:51,952
Jeff Ross is here looking like the ghost
of strawberry cheesecake.

1377
01:34:55,456 --> 01:34:56,457
Yeah.

1378
01:35:00,127 --> 01:35:03,764
Jeff Ross beat cancer this year.

1379
01:35:03,831 --> 01:35:05,933
My good friend beat cancer.

1380
01:35:06,000 --> 01:35:08,102
But you know cancer is out there.

1381
01:35:08,169 --> 01:35:10,905
Cancer's out there somewhere
talking to its friends like,

1382
01:35:10,971 --> 01:35:13,774
"You gotta see the other guy."

1383
01:35:13,841 --> 01:35:17,111
Jeff is so Jewish
that when the hospital gave him his bill,

1384
01:35:17,178 --> 01:35:20,247
he's like, "Can you put some
of the cancer back in?"

1385
01:35:22,683 --> 01:35:25,286
Kevin Hart, ladies and gentlemen,
he was born nine months

1386
01:35:25,352 --> 01:35:29,557
after his father spit a watermelon seed
into his mother's vagina.

1387
01:35:32,727 --> 01:35:34,061
Yep, I did that.

1388
01:35:36,831 --> 01:35:39,366
And then he was born,
nine pounds, seven ounces,

1389
01:35:39,433 --> 01:35:41,502
and he remains the same today.

1390
01:35:42,803 --> 01:35:47,041
Kevin is so small,
people call him the lowercase N-word.

1391
01:35:49,110 --> 01:35:52,113
He was raised by a single mother
and a stepladder.

1392
01:35:53,781 --> 01:35:56,851
Because of Kevin's awful childhood
and feelings of inadequacy,

1393
01:35:56,917 --> 01:36:00,921
he became a workaholic to distract himself
from the grief of who he is on the inside.

1394
01:36:00,988 --> 01:36:04,425
And to make matters worse,
his inner child is taller than him.

1395
01:36:06,293 --> 01:36:08,562
But look at him now.
Oh, you're not wearing a chain.

1396
01:36:08,629 --> 01:36:09,797
I was gonna say nice chain, Kevin.

1397
01:36:09,864 --> 01:36:12,600
It would make a great bracelet
for a normal-sized black man.

1398
01:36:12,666 --> 01:36:13,834
But you didn't wear the normal chain

1399
01:36:13,901 --> 01:36:16,937
that you wear to overcompensate
for how small you are.

1400
01:36:17,004 --> 01:36:18,305
Kevin has so few Black friends

1401
01:36:18,372 --> 01:36:22,143
that he started a vegan fast-food chain
and nobody stopped him.

1402
01:36:25,146 --> 01:36:27,314
His vegan restaurant is like his movies,

1403
01:36:27,381 --> 01:36:31,185
because you don't have to go
to know it fucking sucks.

1404
01:36:31,252 --> 01:36:34,622
Kevin, in a town full
of successful pedophiles,

1405
01:36:34,688 --> 01:36:38,826
it's great to know that you are not one,
but in fairness, if you ever tried,

1406
01:36:38,893 --> 01:36:43,197
any fuckable ten-year-old
would beat the living shit out of you.

1407
01:36:43,264 --> 01:36:45,099
His audience is so ghetto

1408
01:36:45,166 --> 01:36:47,935
that his merch table
has more gunfire than Charlie Kirk's.

1409
01:36:49,136 --> 01:36:53,140
Kevin, if you're here,
who's holding P Diddy's pocket in jail?

1410
01:36:53,207 --> 01:36:54,942
Kevin has been so far up The Rock's ass

1411
01:36:55,009 --> 01:36:57,878
that he can actually
smell what he's been cooking.

1412
01:36:59,814 --> 01:37:05,286
Kevin-- The Rock played Black Adam.
Kevin is the size of a Black atom.

1413
01:37:05,352 --> 01:37:06,554
He's won two Grammys,

1414
01:37:06,620 --> 01:37:10,191
at least that's what the scale
says when he stands on it.

1415
01:37:10,257 --> 01:37:11,792
Two Grammys.

1416
01:37:11,859 --> 01:37:15,963
Lizzo has ate… everything
that's ever been put in front of her.

1417
01:37:18,499 --> 01:37:21,168
But Lizzo, you look great. You really do.

1418
01:37:21,235 --> 01:37:24,071
People describing you
no longer have to say the word "really"

1419
01:37:24,138 --> 01:37:26,407
before saying the word "fat."

1420
01:37:26,473 --> 01:37:30,511
She loves flutin'
as much as she loves gluten.

1421
01:37:32,446 --> 01:37:35,583
You know, Kevin, they told me
not to mention your kids on this roast,

1422
01:37:35,649 --> 01:37:38,352
but I must say, you did good.

1423
01:37:38,419 --> 01:37:41,589
They've gotten so big,
they now buckle Kevin up in the car seat.

1424
01:37:43,057 --> 01:37:45,793
It's true, he lost his gig
hosting the Academy Awards

1425
01:37:45,860 --> 01:37:48,295
because of some homophobic tweets,
but you'd be homophobic too

1426
01:37:48,362 --> 01:37:50,397
if you were eye level
with everyone's cock.

1427
01:37:52,266 --> 01:37:54,668
He got into a fist fight
on a private plane,

1428
01:37:54,735 --> 01:37:57,538
proof that no matter how much money
Black people have,

1429
01:37:57,605 --> 01:38:03,277
they're still just gonna act
like ninjas is fighting.

1430
01:38:05,079 --> 01:38:07,882
Like Bill Cosby, Hart is a Black comedian
from Philadelphia.

1431
01:38:07,948 --> 01:38:11,252
And like Bill Cosby, women don't know
when Kevin is inside of them.

1432
01:38:12,386 --> 01:38:15,489
You've done good, though, Kevin.
The Black community is so proud of you.

1433
01:38:15,556 --> 01:38:18,359
Right now,
George Floyd is looking up at us all,

1434
01:38:18,425 --> 01:38:23,097
laughing so hard that he can't breathe.

1435
01:38:23,163 --> 01:38:26,667
God bless you, Kevin. God bless this room.

1436
01:38:26,734 --> 01:38:29,169
And God bless
the United States of America.

1437
01:38:29,236 --> 01:38:31,972
Thank you so much.

1438
01:38:41,181 --> 01:38:42,983
Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody.

1439
01:38:46,654 --> 01:38:51,225
Hey, a lot of people wanted him to fail
and he just fucking killed.

1440
01:38:51,292 --> 01:38:55,329
Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody.

1441
01:38:58,499 --> 01:39:02,703
Sheryl Underwood is here. Yeah, Sheryl.

1442
01:39:02,770 --> 01:39:05,406
Sheryl got a standing ovation once
on Def Jam.

1443
01:39:05,472 --> 01:39:08,075
Now she's deaf, eats jam,
and has trouble standing.

1444
01:39:10,678 --> 01:39:13,147
Sheryl was in the Air Force,
but she couldn't fly.

1445
01:39:14,715 --> 01:39:18,419
And neither could her husband,
who jumped off…

1446
01:39:20,921 --> 01:39:23,924
…who jumped off a building,
and he died from that.

1447
01:39:25,159 --> 01:39:28,195
I swear to God, I called her
before this to ask if that was okay.

1448
01:39:28,262 --> 01:39:30,698
I would have never done that.

1449
01:39:30,764 --> 01:39:35,069
But now she's a Christian comic,
so this should fucking suck. Uh…

1450
01:39:35,135 --> 01:39:38,305
No, she's the best. Make some noise,
Sheryl Underwood, everybody.

1451
01:39:50,551 --> 01:39:51,618
First of all…

1452
01:39:53,520 --> 01:39:58,926
Tony, you think you hurt my feelings
by talking about my dead husband?

1453
01:39:58,993 --> 01:40:00,961
My husband only died once.

1454
01:40:01,028 --> 01:40:04,999
You die every night with them
whack-ass jokes you be telling.

1455
01:40:07,234 --> 01:40:10,304
I love the fact that you white boy comics
want to say

1456
01:40:10,371 --> 01:40:14,008
all the words that Black comics
get canceled for saying.

1457
01:40:14,074 --> 01:40:17,811
And I'm glad that y'all brought back words
like "midget" and "retard."

1458
01:40:17,878 --> 01:40:20,681
No, Kevin, I'm not talking
about you when I say "midget."

1459
01:40:22,049 --> 01:40:26,120
But yes, Shane, I'm talking about you
when I say "retard."

1460
01:40:30,691 --> 01:40:34,795
Now, I know it's some shit
in that motherfucking teleprompter,

1461
01:40:34,862 --> 01:40:37,364
but I'm glad that, Shane,
your motherfucking ass,

1462
01:40:37,431 --> 01:40:39,299
stopped that wigger.

1463
01:40:39,366 --> 01:40:42,970
'Cause had you said anything
that sound bigger, trigger,

1464
01:40:43,037 --> 01:40:45,139
or anything that sound like nigga,

1465
01:40:45,205 --> 01:40:48,275
you wouldn't have made it
out of motherfucking Inglewood alive.

1466
01:40:51,812 --> 01:40:55,382
You don't know where the fuck you are.

1467
01:40:57,117 --> 01:40:59,553
You will respect us in this house.

1468
01:40:59,620 --> 01:41:04,591
This is the fucking forum
built by the Showtime Lakers.

1469
01:41:09,396 --> 01:41:13,233
And I want to thank Netflix and Kevin Hart

1470
01:41:13,300 --> 01:41:15,602
for bringing us all together.

1471
01:41:15,669 --> 01:41:18,906
Freedom of speech is alive today.

1472
01:41:18,972 --> 01:41:24,812
It shows that we can all come together
and crack jokes on each other

1473
01:41:24,878 --> 01:41:28,248
and still respect each other.

1474
01:41:28,315 --> 01:41:32,086
And… Hold on, hold on, I gotta say this.

1475
01:41:32,152 --> 01:41:37,124
My ex-boo, John Stamos, is in the house.

1476
01:41:37,191 --> 01:41:39,760
And yeah, y'all brought up
when I was on The Talk.

1477
01:41:43,964 --> 01:41:49,603
And when I was on The Talk,
I got to tongue kiss John Stamos.

1478
01:41:50,871 --> 01:41:53,740
Before he married that girl,

1479
01:41:53,807 --> 01:41:57,678
I put my tongue
all the way down his esophagus.

1480
01:41:59,713 --> 01:42:02,716
I can't say what he said after that.

1481
01:42:02,783 --> 01:42:06,386
All I can say, he married a young bitch
and took her to Disneyland.

1482
01:42:12,659 --> 01:42:17,498
Shane, you may talk some shit about me,
but I know your kind.

1483
01:42:17,564 --> 01:42:19,433
You want to hit this Black pussy

1484
01:42:19,500 --> 01:42:23,337
harder than you hit the windows
of the Capitol on January 6th.

1485
01:42:30,144 --> 01:42:32,412
You know who the fuck you talking to?

1486
01:42:36,016 --> 01:42:40,154
I know you want to fuck me.

1487
01:42:40,220 --> 01:42:42,756
'Cause you're tired
of fucking your sister.

1488
01:42:45,292 --> 01:42:46,493
So, you want to fuck a real sister.

1489
01:42:49,429 --> 01:42:51,331
All this Black pussy in here.

1490
01:42:52,432 --> 01:42:54,568
Shane dick getting harder and harder.

1491
01:42:56,136 --> 01:43:00,374
I bet you fight me to fuck Lizzo…

1492
01:43:00,440 --> 01:43:03,177
…and lose.

1493
01:43:03,243 --> 01:43:07,714
But none of us are gonna fuck
your pasty white-boy ass.

1494
01:43:07,781 --> 01:43:10,150
Well, maybe… maybe I will, okay?

1495
01:43:11,485 --> 01:43:15,355
I'm on a tour called "I Need a Job Tour,"
so, come on, motherfucker, let's go.

1496
01:43:16,690 --> 01:43:17,991
Big Jay.

1497
01:43:18,058 --> 01:43:22,162
Now, you cute, I… Big Jay, listen to me.
You sexy, you get that pussy.

1498
01:43:23,830 --> 01:43:27,401
Over there looking like Guy Fieri.

1499
01:43:29,336 --> 01:43:33,874
You know we like diners, drive-ins,
and dicks, so, let's go, motherfucker.

1500
01:43:33,941 --> 01:43:36,877
You not just a snack,
you a whole Thanksgiving dinner.

1501
01:43:38,378 --> 01:43:43,150
Got that big football player body,
and I know football players.

1502
01:43:43,217 --> 01:43:46,920
I fucked all the Philadelphia Eagles.

1503
01:43:46,987 --> 01:43:50,691
The offensive line, the defensive line,
the offensive coordinator,

1504
01:43:50,757 --> 01:43:52,492
defensive coordinator, coaching staff,

1505
01:43:52,559 --> 01:43:55,562
team doctor,
the dudes selling the hot dogs,

1506
01:43:56,830 --> 01:43:59,933
the motherfucker
that wrote "Fly Eagle Fly."

1507
01:44:00,000 --> 01:44:01,134
I fucked him too.

1508
01:44:02,502 --> 01:44:05,472
That was one hell of a party.

1509
01:44:07,374 --> 01:44:10,244
So, Draymond, I heard you was a bully.

1510
01:44:15,249 --> 01:44:17,150
Well, come on over here
and beat this pussy up then.

1511
01:44:17,217 --> 01:44:20,621
Come on, let's go.

1512
01:44:20,687 --> 01:44:22,256
Keep rolling your teleprompter.

1513
01:44:23,624 --> 01:44:26,760
I would fuck you Draymond,
but I'm afraid of heights.

1514
01:44:26,827 --> 01:44:28,662
I'm only 5'2.

1515
01:44:28,729 --> 01:44:31,765
but I'm still two inches taller
than Kevin Hart,

1516
01:44:31,832 --> 01:44:33,800
you mighty mouse motherfucker.
They wrote that, they wrote that.

1517
01:44:33,867 --> 01:44:35,202
The white people wrote it.
The white people…

1518
01:44:35,269 --> 01:44:36,670
-The white people… I didn't…
-The fuck is that?

1519
01:44:36,737 --> 01:44:39,139
I'm just saying it to get the check,
motherfucker, goddamn.

1520
01:44:39,206 --> 01:44:42,809
Pete Davison, I just wanna know,

1521
01:44:42,876 --> 01:44:45,879
what is in your dick
that's driving these bitches crazy?

1522
01:44:47,914 --> 01:44:48,949
And whatever it is,

1523
01:44:49,016 --> 01:44:52,219
can you put it in Chelsea Handler
so she can stop fucking Black men?

1524
01:44:52,286 --> 01:44:54,521
I'm sorry, Chelsea,

1525
01:44:54,588 --> 01:44:56,890
I had to say that one.
They paid me, they paid me.

1526
01:44:56,957 --> 01:44:59,059
Question for the dais,

1527
01:44:59,126 --> 01:45:04,298
who has had more Black dick in this town,
me or Chelsea Handler?

1528
01:45:06,667 --> 01:45:09,569
The answer is… Tony Hinchcliffe.

1529
01:45:16,877 --> 01:45:18,679
And for all of you who were thinking that,

1530
01:45:18,745 --> 01:45:21,848
you've won a brand new car.

1531
01:45:21,915 --> 01:45:24,017
Now let's talk about Kevin.

1532
01:45:24,084 --> 01:45:26,453
No, no, no, I gotta do it.
For the check, Ted told me.

1533
01:45:26,520 --> 01:45:28,522
Ted at the luncheon said,

1534
01:45:28,588 --> 01:45:31,158
"Bitch, say this shit
or you're not getting paid."

1535
01:45:32,526 --> 01:45:34,561
I gotta do what Ted said.

1536
01:45:34,628 --> 01:45:36,229
I gotta do what I got to say, okay.

1537
01:45:36,296 --> 01:45:37,931
I wasn't going to say this shit,

1538
01:45:37,998 --> 01:45:41,802
but Kevin and I hooked up once
before he got married.

1539
01:45:43,670 --> 01:45:45,739
Before he got married.

1540
01:45:45,806 --> 01:45:47,574
He got stuck in my pussy.

1541
01:45:47,641 --> 01:45:49,309
I tied a rope around his neck
and pulled him out like a tampon.

1542
01:45:49,376 --> 01:45:51,678
Hold on.

1543
01:45:51,745 --> 01:45:53,747
That's not in the prompter. I'm sorry.

1544
01:45:58,085 --> 01:46:00,654
Kevin Hart is packing.

1545
01:46:00,721 --> 01:46:04,891
Kevin Hart is packing.
He's packing ten inches in his pants.

1546
01:46:04,958 --> 01:46:07,394
They're his legs,
but it's still ten inches.

1547
01:46:13,700 --> 01:46:17,270
Fucking Kevin was a lot like
watching his movies.

1548
01:46:17,337 --> 01:46:20,107
The first five minutes are okay…

1549
01:46:21,775 --> 01:46:23,710
…then you're just waiting
for it to be over.

1550
01:46:25,979 --> 01:46:28,281
I don't know, it could get rogue.

1551
01:46:28,348 --> 01:46:30,917
You gotta say it.

1552
01:46:30,984 --> 01:46:33,820
-You gotta say it.
-Okay, ready?

1553
01:46:33,887 --> 01:46:35,555
-Ready?
-You gotta say it.

1554
01:46:35,622 --> 01:46:38,058
You think he's loud in his movies?

1555
01:46:38,125 --> 01:46:41,528
When we were fucking…

1556
01:46:41,595 --> 01:46:45,132
…he was hollering
and screaming and shaking.

1557
01:46:45,198 --> 01:46:47,134
I said, "Will you shut the fuck up…

1558
01:46:48,268 --> 01:46:50,537
before somebody think
I'm watching one of your movies?"

1559
01:47:08,488 --> 01:47:11,191
-Yes, Sheryl!
-All right.

1560
01:47:11,258 --> 01:47:14,194
So, I want to say this with all the love.

1561
01:47:14,261 --> 01:47:17,197
You have done what we asked you
to do in the culture.

1562
01:47:17,264 --> 01:47:19,065
You've represented us well.

1563
01:47:19,132 --> 01:47:21,968
You've been a great businessman
and a great performer.

1564
01:47:22,035 --> 01:47:24,571
Today, we are proud
to stand here to roast,

1565
01:47:24,638 --> 01:47:28,074
'cause we only roast who we love,
and we truly love you.

1566
01:47:28,141 --> 01:47:29,309
-Fuckin' Sheryl.
-Good night.

1567
01:47:45,125 --> 01:47:49,029
Sheryl Underwood!

1568
01:47:49,095 --> 01:47:51,164
Wait a minute, wait a minute.

1569
01:47:51,231 --> 01:47:54,301
This motherfucker hugs me and go,
"Can I still get that pussy though?"

1570
01:48:00,307 --> 01:48:03,543
Keep it going for Bernie Smack.

1571
01:48:05,779 --> 01:48:07,180
Just thought of that one, let's go.

1572
01:48:07,247 --> 01:48:09,616
Uh…

1573
01:48:12,519 --> 01:48:14,154
But, yeah, that was honestly…
That was incredible.

1574
01:48:14,221 --> 01:48:16,690
This is… Now, yeah.
It feels good now. Now…

1575
01:48:16,756 --> 01:48:19,025
Earlier I was like,
this isn't as good as the Tom Brady roast.

1576
01:48:19,092 --> 01:48:21,394
Now it feels pretty good.

1577
01:48:22,529 --> 01:48:24,731
Regina Hall is here, everybody.
Make some noise.

1578
01:48:29,636 --> 01:48:33,540
They added her last minute,
so I don't really have anything for her,

1579
01:48:33,607 --> 01:48:35,642
but here's a joke
we couldn't do for Sheryl.

1580
01:48:35,709 --> 01:48:39,646
It's something about Aunt Jemima.
I don't know, it got cut.

1581
01:48:39,713 --> 01:48:42,349
It was clever, you would've loved it.

1582
01:48:42,415 --> 01:48:44,651
Give it up for Regina Hall, everybody.
Make some noise.

1583
01:49:02,469 --> 01:49:03,637
Wow.

1584
01:49:14,347 --> 01:49:16,049
Thank you, Kevin.

1585
01:49:17,317 --> 01:49:18,985
It's very nice to be here.

1586
01:49:19,052 --> 01:49:23,156
It's been tough, you know, I mean,
having to sit here and watch you,

1587
01:49:23,223 --> 01:49:25,992
and you haven't been able
to talk back.

1588
01:49:26,059 --> 01:49:29,496
Anyone who knows me knows
I've known Kevin for twenty years.

1589
01:49:29,563 --> 01:49:32,032
I've been to all of his shows.

1590
01:49:32,098 --> 01:49:33,199
Well, not all of them.

1591
01:49:33,266 --> 01:49:37,537
I've seen his movies, and despite that,
I am still here tonight.

1592
01:49:40,340 --> 01:49:42,609
No, seriously, Kevin,

1593
01:49:42,676 --> 01:49:44,611
I've been listening
to all of these people,

1594
01:49:44,678 --> 01:49:47,280
and I don't think you deserved
any of those insults.

1595
01:49:48,448 --> 01:49:50,850
I-- I'm here actually as a true friend.

1596
01:49:52,552 --> 01:49:56,089
So I thought I would share something,
this is honest, sacred,

1597
01:49:57,223 --> 01:49:59,626
that only you and I know, Kevin.

1598
01:49:59,693 --> 01:50:02,963
Now, Kevin and I go--
we go back, as I said,

1599
01:50:03,029 --> 01:50:06,333
and there's one special thing
that only Kevin and I know about.

1600
01:50:07,667 --> 01:50:12,272
Kevin's mom, Miss Nancy,
God rest her soul,

1601
01:50:12,339 --> 01:50:14,608
she communicates
with me sometimes.

1602
01:50:15,942 --> 01:50:18,211
No, this is actually the truth.

1603
01:50:23,550 --> 01:50:26,386
Many, many, many, many years ago,

1604
01:50:28,521 --> 01:50:31,791
do you remember when I called
and I told you

1605
01:50:31,858 --> 01:50:33,560
that she said don't go to Vegas?

1606
01:50:38,632 --> 01:50:43,937
She said, "Kevin, don't go in there
and accidentally fuck that girl."

1607
01:50:44,004 --> 01:50:46,906
She said… She said…

1608
01:50:46,973 --> 01:50:51,478
No, she said,
"Kevin, go to 1515,"

1609
01:50:51,544 --> 01:50:53,880
but I wrote it down wrong.
Do you remember?

1610
01:50:53,947 --> 01:50:56,082
Because I had been drinking that night.

1611
01:50:56,149 --> 01:50:58,184
She knew there was a camera
in that room,

1612
01:50:58,251 --> 01:51:01,287
Kevin, and she tried.

1613
01:51:01,354 --> 01:51:05,225
So I want to say I'm sorry,
Kevin, because that was on me.

1614
01:51:05,291 --> 01:51:09,396
That was my bad,
but tonight, Kevin, I got it.

1615
01:51:09,462 --> 01:51:11,564
I'm not gonna mess up.

1616
01:51:11,631 --> 01:51:12,632
I'm sober.

1617
01:51:14,100 --> 01:51:17,671
Okay, so I wrote down some other things
that your mother,

1618
01:51:18,738 --> 01:51:22,208
that she's expressed, and I'd like
to read them tonight.

1619
01:51:22,275 --> 01:51:23,309
These I got right.

1620
01:51:24,878 --> 01:51:28,648
"Kevin, I love you,
and I'm so proud of you."

1621
01:51:29,816 --> 01:51:31,985
"You won best picture of the year."

1622
01:51:32,052 --> 01:51:33,386
Oh, wait, no, no, that's for me.

1623
01:51:33,453 --> 01:51:34,454
Hold on.

1624
01:51:35,989 --> 01:51:38,992
Because you didn't win, Kevin.

1625
01:51:39,059 --> 01:51:40,493
But thank you, Miss Nancy.

1626
01:51:40,560 --> 01:51:42,796
Now, here we go.
Here we go for real.

1627
01:51:42,862 --> 01:51:43,763
Kevin.

1628
01:51:43,830 --> 01:51:45,331
All right.

1629
01:51:45,398 --> 01:51:47,434
She misses your movies.

1630
01:51:47,500 --> 01:51:50,770
She says they don't go up there
in heaven because it's heaven.

1631
01:51:54,107 --> 01:51:58,778
Oh, oh, but she said your dad is
enjoying them all down where he is.

1632
01:52:00,847 --> 01:52:01,915
That was very sweet.

1633
01:52:03,583 --> 01:52:07,721
She says she regrets not being there
for you when your father passed.

1634
01:52:07,787 --> 01:52:11,391
Oh, so she could watch
that motherfucker die.

1635
01:52:11,458 --> 01:52:12,759
Okay. All right.

1636
01:52:14,427 --> 01:52:17,163
Tell Kevin that's a quote, okay?

1637
01:52:18,298 --> 01:52:23,403
She says that she's sorry that she
always treated your brother better,

1638
01:52:23,470 --> 01:52:26,106
but that's only
because she loved him more.

1639
01:52:28,775 --> 01:52:29,743
That's enough, Regina.

1640
01:52:29,809 --> 01:52:30,810
Oh, wait, wait.

1641
01:52:32,112 --> 01:52:35,248
And now she's saying I told you not
to do that.

1642
01:52:35,315 --> 01:52:39,352
Oh, no, that's about your failed
vegan fast food chain.

1643
01:52:39,419 --> 01:52:40,887
Okay. All right.

1644
01:52:40,954 --> 01:52:43,156
No, no, she just said,

1645
01:52:43,223 --> 01:52:46,126
nigga, you grew up
on Philly cheesesteaks.

1646
01:52:46,192 --> 01:52:48,695
Why you ain't start a chain
of that shit?

1647
01:52:48,762 --> 01:52:49,763
I'm sorry, Kevin.

1648
01:52:50,997 --> 01:52:52,098
No, no, wait.

1649
01:52:52,165 --> 01:52:53,433
Hold on, hold on.

1650
01:52:53,500 --> 01:52:54,801
More stuff is coming through.

1651
01:52:54,868 --> 01:52:56,669
It's like I'm Oda Mae Brown out here.

1652
01:52:56,736 --> 01:52:57,737
Hold on.

1653
01:52:59,072 --> 01:53:00,073
Pete!

1654
01:53:05,211 --> 01:53:06,379
No, this is sweet.

1655
01:53:06,446 --> 01:53:07,747
I'm only here with love tonight.

1656
01:53:07,814 --> 01:53:09,549
No one has to worry.

1657
01:53:09,616 --> 01:53:15,488
She says that your dad, he misses you,
and he sees your success.

1658
01:53:16,489 --> 01:53:20,226
He wants to know what it was
like to fuck Kate Beckinsale,

1659
01:53:21,261 --> 01:53:25,165
Emily Ratatouille,
Ariana Gran--

1660
01:53:25,231 --> 01:53:27,200
I can't name them all.

1661
01:53:27,267 --> 01:53:30,837
Ariana Grande…
We'll get to it later, Pete.

1662
01:53:32,572 --> 01:53:35,441
He also says you inherited your dick size

1663
01:53:35,508 --> 01:53:36,910
from him and you're welcome.

1664
01:53:39,546 --> 01:53:45,652
She says, tell Big Jay I'll see him
in about three weeks.

1665
01:53:45,718 --> 01:53:47,020
Oh, shit.

1666
01:53:47,086 --> 01:53:49,022
Oh, shit.

1667
01:53:49,088 --> 01:53:51,057
Regina, that's enough.

1668
01:53:51,124 --> 01:53:52,125
-Regi--
-Sorry.

1669
01:53:53,426 --> 01:53:58,464
She says, oh, Chelsea, your kids are all
up there and they want to say…

1670
01:54:00,834 --> 01:54:01,868
Thank you.

1671
01:54:03,169 --> 01:54:05,038
You made the right decision.

1672
01:54:10,877 --> 01:54:15,048
She also said,
I told you Teyana might bomb.

1673
01:54:20,820 --> 01:54:21,821
I'm sorry.

1674
01:54:23,323 --> 01:54:25,225
I'm just downloading, guys.

1675
01:54:26,759 --> 01:54:28,862
Last thing, finally,

1676
01:54:28,928 --> 01:54:33,466
Miss Nancy says, thank you all
for being here to celebrate my son.

1677
01:54:33,533 --> 01:54:35,101
I love you, Kevin Hart.

1678
01:54:42,508 --> 01:54:44,844
Have fun on your big night.

1679
01:54:44,911 --> 01:54:46,746
And now-- Oh.

1680
01:54:47,981 --> 01:54:50,884
I have to get back
to Michael Clarke Duncan,

1681
01:54:50,950 --> 01:54:53,152
who's been a deep green mile
in this pussy

1682
01:54:53,219 --> 01:54:55,521
-for the past three months.
-What the fuck?

1683
01:54:55,588 --> 01:54:57,690
Regina!

1684
01:54:57,757 --> 01:54:59,659
Regina!

1685
01:54:59,726 --> 01:55:02,028
The fuck is that?

1686
01:55:02,095 --> 01:55:04,264
It's Mother's Day.

1687
01:55:04,330 --> 01:55:05,832
Sorry.

1688
01:55:07,100 --> 01:55:09,736
She said they run trains in heaven.

1689
01:55:17,677 --> 01:55:20,246
Wait, what do you mean the other heaven?

1690
01:55:21,414 --> 01:55:23,616
Not your…

1691
01:55:25,752 --> 01:55:27,620
What? What the fuck?

1692
01:55:27,687 --> 01:55:30,290
-Don't! Regina, look at me.
-I'm sorry.

1693
01:55:30,356 --> 01:55:32,091
-Don't fucking-- Don't--
-I didn't say it.

1694
01:55:32,158 --> 01:55:34,060
There's hope for us
in the afterlife, ladies.

1695
01:55:34,127 --> 01:55:35,361
They're fucking up there.

1696
01:55:35,428 --> 01:55:37,230
All right.

1697
01:55:38,264 --> 01:55:44,037
In closing, I just want to share
a heartfelt memory that I have.

1698
01:55:44,103 --> 01:55:46,039
And Kevin, I want you to hear this.

1699
01:55:47,073 --> 01:55:50,343
I was doing a movie
and I walked on set, everyone,

1700
01:55:50,410 --> 01:55:52,445
not knowing what I was in for.

1701
01:55:52,512 --> 01:55:55,882
The director told me
that I needed to do an improv scene

1702
01:55:55,949 --> 01:55:59,519
with the funniest motherfucker
that he had ever worked with.

1703
01:55:59,585 --> 01:56:01,955
He called action and it was magic.

1704
01:56:02,021 --> 01:56:05,058
I was in awe watching this man work.

1705
01:56:06,759 --> 01:56:10,063
So quick, so funny.

1706
01:56:10,129 --> 01:56:14,334
His large stature
was beyond his physical height.

1707
01:56:18,104 --> 01:56:21,941
I will never forget
how it felt performing with him.

1708
01:56:22,008 --> 01:56:25,778
He was so great, and he still is.

1709
01:56:28,047 --> 01:56:31,217
I'm the last person they want
in this motherfucker right here.

1710
01:56:33,987 --> 01:56:36,956
Yes, yes, Kevin.

1711
01:56:37,023 --> 01:56:39,025
My special gift to you.

1712
01:56:40,393 --> 01:56:46,733
It's the other capital
motherfucking K everyone,

1713
01:56:46,799 --> 01:56:49,202
Katt Williams.

1714
01:56:59,612 --> 01:57:02,682
Kevin still looks up to you

1715
01:57:06,786 --> 01:57:10,757
The type of man that kevin hart
Wished he could be

1716
01:57:24,203 --> 01:57:27,040
Thank you so much, I appreciate you.

1717
01:57:31,444 --> 01:57:32,645
Hello Kevin.

1718
01:57:34,781 --> 01:57:35,782
Hello Katt.

1719
01:57:36,916 --> 01:57:39,185
I'm surprised they invited me.

1720
01:57:41,721 --> 01:57:46,726
That's how little star power you have.
They had to start inviting your enemies.

1721
01:57:48,127 --> 01:57:49,295
I said, "I hate him."

1722
01:57:49,362 --> 01:57:51,330
They said, "Come anyway."

1723
01:57:54,100 --> 01:57:58,871
Very humble of me to be
at your GOAT roast tonight, Kevin.

1724
01:57:58,938 --> 01:58:00,540
I've won an Emmy Award,

1725
01:58:00,606 --> 01:58:03,876
but this is gonna be
my best acting tonight,

1726
01:58:03,943 --> 01:58:06,379
as I pretend like you are a GOAT.

1727
01:58:08,181 --> 01:58:12,552
For the people at home, you're wondering,
"Why is the Katt man doing this?"

1728
01:58:13,786 --> 01:58:16,456
For the money, bitch.

1729
01:58:16,522 --> 01:58:20,760
This is my Riyadh Comedy Festival.

1730
01:58:20,827 --> 01:58:22,628
Only one with a soul.

1731
01:58:24,997 --> 01:58:26,732
Kevin, you're gonna hear
some things tonight

1732
01:58:26,799 --> 01:58:28,901
that you're not familiar with.

1733
01:58:28,968 --> 01:58:31,070
Those things are called punchlines.

1734
01:58:34,974 --> 01:58:40,179
Is this deus the best that the industry
could put together for dear old Kev?

1735
01:58:41,881 --> 01:58:43,950
I'm not sure if the Illuminati is real

1736
01:58:44,016 --> 01:58:47,653
or if this is
the junior varsity version, but…

1737
01:58:52,525 --> 01:58:54,927
For those of you just joining us,

1738
01:58:56,462 --> 01:58:58,631
Kevin and I have beef.

1739
01:58:58,698 --> 01:59:00,066
And I'll tell you why.

1740
01:59:01,200 --> 01:59:05,304
'Cause privately, this motherfucker
stole everything from me.

1741
01:59:05,371 --> 01:59:09,175
Before he saw my act,
he was a six-foot-three white man.

1742
01:59:18,885 --> 01:59:21,754
I tried to tell y'all
that Kevin Hart was a plant.

1743
01:59:23,756 --> 01:59:27,226
'Cause I keep burying him,
he keeps springing back the fuck up.

1744
01:59:28,294 --> 01:59:29,595
Just like a plant.

1745
01:59:31,631 --> 01:59:34,734
Yes, I said some things
I'd like to take back.

1746
01:59:36,068 --> 01:59:37,970
Some things I said were misunderstood.

1747
01:59:38,037 --> 01:59:41,207
I did say that Kevin was
a Hollywood puppet,

1748
01:59:41,274 --> 01:59:43,042
and I want to explain that.

1749
01:59:44,544 --> 01:59:46,512
Because it might not be what you think.

1750
01:59:46,579 --> 01:59:51,984
I meant that the head of Netflix
literally has his whole hand

1751
01:59:52,051 --> 01:59:55,755
up Kevin's ass
and can make him do anything.

1752
02:00:00,760 --> 02:00:05,198
Kevin only has one rule
in his movies, no N-word.

1753
02:00:06,432 --> 02:00:08,334
And that N word is "No."

1754
02:00:09,969 --> 02:00:12,805
He's never fucking said it, never ever.

1755
02:00:12,872 --> 02:00:18,978
Scary Movie 3, Ride Along,
Night School, Get Hard.

1756
02:00:19,045 --> 02:00:21,314
I turned down all of them.

1757
02:00:21,380 --> 02:00:23,983
Cause I was not comfortable
being a coon.

1758
02:00:27,987 --> 02:00:30,756
Went right behind me for the same price.

1759
02:00:33,192 --> 02:00:35,861
If you're gonna see a Kevin Hart movie,
do yourself a favor,

1760
02:00:35,928 --> 02:00:38,831
see it in a Black theater
so you can hear words like,

1761
02:00:38,898 --> 02:00:40,833
"I want my motherfucking
money back."

1762
02:00:41,834 --> 02:00:43,636
And "I want my money back too."

1763
02:00:44,804 --> 02:00:48,007
Or "This is some bullshit,
I want my money back."

1764
02:00:50,910 --> 02:00:53,012
Even The Rock can't save your ass.

1765
02:00:54,680 --> 02:00:58,184
Kevin and The Rock have
what you call a bromance.

1766
02:00:58,251 --> 02:01:02,088
That's when two actors secretly fuck
the shit out of each other.

1767
02:01:09,895 --> 02:01:13,065
But seriously, how can you not love Kevin?

1768
02:01:13,132 --> 02:01:16,836
Only two people have done that,
me and his father.

1769
02:01:19,705 --> 02:01:22,908
Kevin once said if his son was gay,
he would take a dollhouse

1770
02:01:22,975 --> 02:01:24,944
and hit him over the head with it,

1771
02:01:25,011 --> 02:01:28,781
which is arguably the gayest way
to abuse a child.

1772
02:01:37,623 --> 02:01:39,959
But you cannot cancel Kevin Hart.

1773
02:01:41,060 --> 02:01:44,030
You just can't do it. He's made of Teflon.

1774
02:01:45,364 --> 02:01:49,402
They tried to cancel him
for being homophobic and I don't get it.

1775
02:01:49,468 --> 02:01:53,139
I'm saying the guy who's obsessed
with shopping sprees and fitness,

1776
02:01:53,205 --> 02:01:55,441
always surrounded by ten dudes

1777
02:01:55,508 --> 02:02:00,246
and Chelsea Handler and oiled up
half-Samoan bodybuilders,

1778
02:02:00,313 --> 02:02:03,449
and a vegan restaurant
and bought yoga pants.

1779
02:02:03,516 --> 02:02:07,653
You think that guy is homophobic?
That guy is a fairy, bitch.

1780
02:02:07,720 --> 02:02:09,555
He is not.

1781
02:02:09,622 --> 02:02:14,093
That's the gayest man I ever met.
You slay, queen. You do that.

1782
02:02:19,131 --> 02:02:22,001
They tried to cancel Kevin
for the Diddy parties.

1783
02:02:23,402 --> 02:02:25,371
They hurled allegations at him.

1784
02:02:26,372 --> 02:02:28,708
But thanks to all the baby oil…

1785
02:02:30,710 --> 02:02:32,211
…the charges didn't stick.

1786
02:02:36,382 --> 02:02:40,953
Kevin famously was at a brunch of--
A brunch.

1787
02:02:44,290 --> 02:02:47,059
Kevin was at a bunch of Diddy parties,

1788
02:02:47,126 --> 02:02:50,663
but in his defense, it was only
'cause Diddy thought he was ten.

1789
02:02:56,035 --> 02:02:59,872
Kevin even hosted
a record release party for P. Diddy.

1790
02:02:59,939 --> 02:03:03,209
There was a record number
of releases on the bed,

1791
02:03:03,275 --> 02:03:07,713
in the pool, on the floor,
everywhere but the hoes.

1792
02:03:10,583 --> 02:03:15,054
But I want to be clear,
just because Kevin went to Diddy parties

1793
02:03:15,121 --> 02:03:17,923
does not mean he did something wrong.

1794
02:03:19,091 --> 02:03:21,861
The fact that he gets all quiet
when you bring it up…

1795
02:03:24,830 --> 02:03:26,732
…that means he did something wrong.

1796
02:03:33,839 --> 02:03:37,510
Yet people give him awards.

1797
02:03:39,645 --> 02:03:43,382
Kevin, I have an idea for a movie
where you travel back in time,

1798
02:03:43,449 --> 02:03:46,619
and Mark Twain takes
his motherfucking award back

1799
02:03:46,685 --> 02:03:49,155
and calls you the N-word.

1800
02:03:49,221 --> 02:03:53,092
Now, that's a good movie,
so I know you'll pass on it.

1801
02:03:56,228 --> 02:03:57,696
All right, listen.

1802
02:03:57,763 --> 02:04:01,734
I could go on all night hating
on Kevin Hart. I have perfected it.

1803
02:04:05,237 --> 02:04:07,006
But at some point…

1804
02:04:08,040 --> 02:04:11,877
…you've got to look yourself
in the mirror and say,

1805
02:04:11,944 --> 02:04:15,981
"Do I really want to have beef
with the rabbit, Snowball,

1806
02:04:16,048 --> 02:04:18,350
from The Secret Life of Pets 2?"

1807
02:04:23,088 --> 02:04:24,623
Yes, I do, Kevin.

1808
02:04:25,925 --> 02:04:26,926
Yes, I do.

1809
02:04:28,427 --> 02:04:30,496
Motherfucker wouldn't even play
a Black rabbit.

1810
02:04:30,563 --> 02:04:34,467
Can you imagine the coonery?

1811
02:04:34,533 --> 02:04:37,303
I'm out. Good night, Inglewood.
Thank y'all so much.

1812
02:04:37,369 --> 02:04:40,739
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

1813
02:04:40,806 --> 02:04:43,742
Wait, Katt, Katt, wait. Hold on.

1814
02:04:43,809 --> 02:04:46,745
Just give me,
give me one fucking minute.

1815
02:04:47,746 --> 02:04:51,584
Me and this man have been
at odds for years on years.

1816
02:04:51,650 --> 02:04:54,587
You coming out here,
quite the fucking surprise,

1817
02:04:54,653 --> 02:04:56,188
but Katt, I can sit and I can watch you,

1818
02:04:56,255 --> 02:04:59,325
I can laugh,
because I'm a fucking fan first, okay?

1819
02:04:59,391 --> 02:05:02,394
I'm a fan first.

1820
02:05:02,461 --> 02:05:06,165
Katt, we have an opportunity
in real time,

1821
02:05:06,232 --> 02:05:10,269
this is live television,
to put our fucking beef behind us.

1822
02:05:10,336 --> 02:05:14,473
I am offering you
an olive branch of peace.

1823
02:05:14,540 --> 02:05:17,543
I wanna be a brother,
I wanna be a friend.

1824
02:05:17,610 --> 02:05:19,445
Katt, I wanna move on.

1825
02:05:19,512 --> 02:05:23,048
Can we move on, man? Can we move on?

1826
02:05:25,851 --> 02:05:27,086
Katt Williams one time,

1827
02:05:27,152 --> 02:05:28,988
ladies and gentlemen,
Katt fucking Williams.

1828
02:05:37,630 --> 02:05:42,034
All right, how about that?
Those little tiny guys being friends.

1829
02:05:43,869 --> 02:05:45,504
So funny,
like they're gonna do something.

1830
02:05:45,571 --> 02:05:48,607
"What are you gonna do?" Shut up.

1831
02:05:48,674 --> 02:05:53,646
Fucking 220-pound man being like,
"you wanna squash some beef or what?"

1832
02:05:53,712 --> 02:05:55,080
Shut up.

1833
02:05:56,515 --> 02:05:58,551
They're so little, who cares?

1834
02:06:02,888 --> 02:06:07,192
And now, to present Kevin
with a very special gift from Compton,

1835
02:06:07,259 --> 02:06:10,329
California, American Icons,
Venus and Serena Williams.

1836
02:06:29,715 --> 02:06:33,152
Have we won a few Grand Slam titles?

1837
02:06:33,218 --> 02:06:37,122
Forty-eight actually between us
and eight Olympic gold medals.

1838
02:06:38,123 --> 02:06:40,693
We have been called the GOATs
in our own right.

1839
02:06:40,759 --> 02:06:43,228
We have also been called
to do this tonight.

1840
02:06:43,295 --> 02:06:45,497
And we did say no three times.

1841
02:06:46,832 --> 02:06:49,668
But Kevin is a friend, so we're here.

1842
02:06:49,735 --> 02:06:52,838
But our question remains,
what are you the GOAT of?

1843
02:06:52,905 --> 02:06:55,274
So what awards does Kevin have?
Is it an Oscar?

1844
02:06:55,341 --> 02:06:58,243
-No, no, no.
-Okay, Emmy, right?

1845
02:06:58,310 --> 02:07:00,479
-No.
-Grammy?

1846
02:07:00,546 --> 02:07:02,948
-No, actually that's our girl, Lizzo.
-Hey, Lizzo.

1847
02:07:03,015 --> 02:07:05,284
Hey.

1848
02:07:05,351 --> 02:07:07,419
I thought he said he had the EGOT.

1849
02:07:07,486 --> 02:07:10,623
He did, but as in,
he ain't got no awards.

1850
02:07:12,725 --> 02:07:16,795
Okay, okay. But you don't need
to have an award to be a GOAT.

1851
02:07:16,862 --> 02:07:19,898
You can be a GOAT of so many things.

1852
02:07:19,965 --> 02:07:23,035
Well, maybe he's a GOAT
of freestyle rapping.

1853
02:07:23,102 --> 02:07:25,104
No, I think that's Black Thought.

1854
02:07:27,306 --> 02:07:29,608
Okay, so maybe he's the GOAT of football?

1855
02:07:29,675 --> 02:07:31,977
No, it's Tom Brady.
I heard he already left.

1856
02:07:32,044 --> 02:07:33,879
Honestly, I don't blame him.

1857
02:07:33,946 --> 02:07:36,815
I guess a G does have to stand
for "great,"

1858
02:07:36,882 --> 02:07:38,751
or it doesn't have to stand for great.

1859
02:07:38,817 --> 02:07:41,954
Oh. Maybe it stands for grating?

1860
02:07:42,021 --> 02:07:44,256
Yeah, maybe it stands for grating.

1861
02:07:44,323 --> 02:07:47,860
You know, you don't have to be great.
You don't have to be great.

1862
02:07:47,926 --> 02:07:50,929
Maybe he's good.
Maybe he's the goodest of all time.

1863
02:07:50,996 --> 02:07:53,232
He's a good time.

1864
02:07:53,298 --> 02:07:56,735
He's definitely a good time.
Baby oil.

1865
02:07:56,802 --> 02:08:02,207
But seriously… …seriously,
Kevin, we got nothing but love.

1866
02:08:02,274 --> 02:08:04,476
-We love you.
-We love you so much.

1867
02:08:04,543 --> 02:08:07,880
And as you know in tennis,
love means nothing.

1868
02:08:11,917 --> 02:08:15,587
But since we didn't wanna leave you
with nothing again,

1869
02:08:15,654 --> 02:08:17,956
we brought you
the most coveted GOAT ring,

1870
02:08:18,023 --> 02:08:20,526
which we give
to the most honorable guest.

1871
02:08:20,592 --> 02:08:21,527
Here you go.

1872
02:08:21,593 --> 02:08:23,395
Oh my God. That's a ring for me?

1873
02:08:23,462 --> 02:08:27,232
It's a ring for you.
Come on up. Come up here.

1874
02:08:27,299 --> 02:08:29,068
-There you go.
-Oh, my God.

1875
02:08:29,134 --> 02:08:33,472
And if you don't want it, you can pawn it
two blocks from here, you know.

1876
02:08:33,539 --> 02:08:35,107
-Yes, okay.
-No, I want it.

1877
02:08:35,174 --> 02:08:36,742
Oh, and one more thing.
Can you sit down?

1878
02:08:36,809 --> 02:08:38,410
-Yeah, sorry.
-This is our moment.

1879
02:08:39,878 --> 02:08:44,983
Kevin Hart production wouldn't be complete
without this one man.

1880
02:08:53,792 --> 02:08:57,529
We will, we will rock you

1881
02:08:59,465 --> 02:09:03,635
We will, we will rock you

1882
02:09:12,678 --> 02:09:14,847
Finally!

1883
02:09:17,483 --> 02:09:20,152
Daddy's home.

1884
02:09:31,797 --> 02:09:36,502
Yes. We're gonna put
some kerosene on this bitch.

1885
02:09:37,836 --> 02:09:41,073
We're gonna burn this motherfucker down.

1886
02:09:43,642 --> 02:09:46,578
What's up, Inglewood?

1887
02:09:58,824 --> 02:10:00,592
My boy, Aaron Donald.

1888
02:10:00,659 --> 02:10:02,861
This is what you're doing in retirement.
That's fucked up.

1889
02:10:02,928 --> 02:10:04,263
You owe me a workout.

1890
02:10:31,990 --> 02:10:33,692
Mwah, mwah, mwah!

1891
02:10:48,240 --> 02:10:53,045
I know what JLo is thinking,
thank fuck The Rock has arrived.

1892
02:10:53,111 --> 02:10:55,047
Yes, I'm here.

1893
02:10:56,815 --> 02:10:57,816
Finally.

1894
02:10:58,984 --> 02:11:04,056
I've been waiting my entire life for this,
where I can come to a Kevin Hart roast.

1895
02:11:04,122 --> 02:11:05,490
-I could have fun.
-Whoo!

1896
02:11:05,557 --> 02:11:07,159
Whoo! Thank you.

1897
02:11:07,226 --> 02:11:10,262
And I could just talk shit.

1898
02:11:15,667 --> 02:11:19,304
The franchise Viagra is in the house.

1899
02:11:21,106 --> 02:11:24,610
Now this roast
can go hard all night long.

1900
02:11:27,212 --> 02:11:29,248
Buckle up, Netflix.

1901
02:11:29,314 --> 02:11:31,083
Tudum, motherfuckers.

1902
02:11:33,285 --> 02:11:36,388
Now, I know what you're all assuming
is that I'm here

1903
02:11:36,455 --> 02:11:40,859
to carry another
shitty Kevin Hart vehicle.

1904
02:11:40,926 --> 02:11:43,562
But for once, that's not the case.

1905
02:11:43,629 --> 02:11:45,497
I'm actually here tonight
because someone needs

1906
02:11:45,564 --> 02:11:48,233
to chew up Kevin's food
and spit it in his mouth.

1907
02:11:49,935 --> 02:11:53,071
Isn't that right,
my little chocolate baby bird?

1908
02:11:55,140 --> 02:11:57,009
You laugh because it's true.

1909
02:11:59,077 --> 02:12:01,246
Hello, Kevin. Shut up.

1910
02:12:03,715 --> 02:12:05,751
Hello, anonymous non-movie stars.

1911
02:12:14,326 --> 02:12:17,896
None of you dudes,
you sons of bitches,

1912
02:12:17,963 --> 02:12:21,366
none of you have the right to talk shit
about Kevin and put him down.

1913
02:12:21,433 --> 02:12:25,237
None of you have the right to talk shit
about my little burnt Oompa Loompa.

1914
02:12:26,939 --> 02:12:28,407
Only me.

1915
02:12:28,473 --> 02:12:30,275
I know every single guy on this dais

1916
02:12:30,342 --> 02:12:32,544
would piss themselves
if I took a punch.

1917
02:12:33,578 --> 02:12:36,481
I know one guy who would cum
if I choked him out.

1918
02:12:38,917 --> 02:12:40,919
Stop smiling, Jeff.

1919
02:12:45,290 --> 02:12:47,259
Jeff Ross, my friends, good to see you.

1920
02:12:48,460 --> 02:12:50,862
-Good to see you, I love you too.
-Thank you.

1921
02:12:52,197 --> 02:12:56,969
You know where I come from,
we have a word for guys like you, fat.

1922
02:13:01,940 --> 02:13:06,378
How fucking gross is Jeff Ross right now
in this fucking red outfit?

1923
02:13:07,679 --> 02:13:08,914
Jeff is so gross,

1924
02:13:08,981 --> 02:13:11,950
he's a sixty-year-old bachelor
who's never been married

1925
02:13:12,017 --> 02:13:16,888
and no one has ever even
suggested that he might be gay.

1926
02:13:23,261 --> 02:13:25,030
-You would fuck me?
-Yeah.

1927
02:13:25,097 --> 02:13:28,000
God, well I wouldn't fuck you,
so sit down and shut up.

1928
02:13:29,701 --> 02:13:31,970
And what the fuck
are you laughing at, Shane?

1929
02:13:34,606 --> 02:13:35,774
I'm gonna get him.

1930
02:13:36,975 --> 02:13:40,579
Shane, why?

1931
02:13:41,980 --> 02:13:44,683
'Cause I'm drunk
and you're gonna get it, that's it.

1932
02:13:44,750 --> 02:13:48,420
Shane, if you're here tonight,
then who's out in the woods

1933
02:13:48,487 --> 02:13:52,124
ass-raping canoers
until they squeal like a pig?

1934
02:13:58,063 --> 02:13:59,364
Oh, shut up, The Roots.

1935
02:14:01,800 --> 02:14:04,903
If you're gonna play the fucking song,
play it right, from Deliverance.

1936
02:14:07,773 --> 02:14:09,941
I don't know what the fuck
you just played.

1937
02:14:15,113 --> 02:14:16,481
He's like, no money.

1938
02:14:16,548 --> 02:14:18,750
All right, well,
fuck, that ain't my problem.

1939
02:14:21,953 --> 02:14:23,622
You know…

1940
02:14:23,688 --> 02:14:28,393
You know, Shane Gillis
and I actually worked out together once.

1941
02:14:28,460 --> 02:14:31,863
True story.
You're smiling because it's true.

1942
02:14:31,930 --> 02:14:33,265
It happened.

1943
02:14:33,331 --> 02:14:36,468
And he was throwing some weights
around and I was impressed.

1944
02:14:36,535 --> 02:14:38,236
You know, he was a fit guy.

1945
02:14:39,337 --> 02:14:42,941
But not as fit,
not as nearly fit as his mom.

1946
02:14:43,008 --> 02:14:46,711
No, true story.
That bitch had a six pack.

1947
02:14:47,779 --> 02:14:50,449
Every night she was pregnant with Shane.

1948
02:14:56,054 --> 02:14:57,422
You drink 'cause it's true.

1949
02:15:00,992 --> 02:15:02,994
And one of my favorites, hello, Chelsea.

1950
02:15:04,796 --> 02:15:06,465
Whoo!

1951
02:15:06,531 --> 02:15:07,532
You look beautiful.

1952
02:15:09,468 --> 02:15:12,304
Everybody, yes, yeah. Chelsea, by the way.

1953
02:15:17,375 --> 02:15:18,643
Don't fuck with Chelsea.

1954
02:15:20,112 --> 02:15:22,347
Everyone's been here.
They come up talking shit about you.

1955
02:15:22,414 --> 02:15:25,917
That ain't easy to do. You hold your own.
You're just a boss lady up here.

1956
02:15:25,984 --> 02:15:29,821
I wanna come out here and I wanna
give Chelsea her flowers.

1957
02:15:29,888 --> 02:15:32,157
I just want to take a minute,
yes, I want to take a minute

1958
02:15:32,224 --> 02:15:34,759
to congratulate Chelsea because BET just

1959
02:15:34,826 --> 02:15:37,896
gave her poontang
a Lifetime Achievement Award.

1960
02:15:39,231 --> 02:15:40,398
It's true, right, Kevin?

1961
02:15:40,465 --> 02:15:43,468
Yes. Yes, my favorite award.

1962
02:15:44,636 --> 02:15:47,639
Chelsea recently said,
marriage is outdated.

1963
02:15:47,706 --> 02:15:51,643
But remember, Chelsea,
also outdated is dying alone.

1964
02:15:58,950 --> 02:16:00,785
Chelsea also said she can't be racist

1965
02:16:00,852 --> 02:16:02,787
because she fucks a lot of Black guys.

1966
02:16:04,923 --> 02:16:07,492
Which is like Tony
saying he can't be homophobic

1967
02:16:07,559 --> 02:16:09,494
because he fucks a lot of Black guys.

1968
02:16:13,498 --> 02:16:17,502
Tony, look at you, you little sassy bigot.

1969
02:16:22,674 --> 02:16:27,479
You look like, I'm gonna cook,
you look like a plantation owner

1970
02:16:27,546 --> 02:16:29,548
who makes his slaves perform musicals.

1971
02:16:43,295 --> 02:16:45,297
Draymond is in the house, my guy.

1972
02:16:50,969 --> 02:16:54,105
Wait a second, hey,
Draymond, that's your name, right?

1973
02:16:54,172 --> 02:16:56,675
That's my boy.
I was thinking about this, you know.

1974
02:16:57,809 --> 02:17:00,478
Of all the cool ass
Black names you could have,

1975
02:17:00,545 --> 02:17:03,915
that is the laziest fucking
Black name I've ever heard.

1976
02:17:03,982 --> 02:17:07,419
Because all you did was put a D
in front of Raymond.

1977
02:17:09,688 --> 02:17:12,157
Yeah. It's fucking dretarded.

1978
02:17:21,166 --> 02:17:23,902
And on top of all that,
your retarded name,

1979
02:17:23,969 --> 02:17:25,971
your team got bounced from the playoffs.

1980
02:17:28,640 --> 02:17:32,244
So I'm just saying,
'cause you're my boy and I love you,

1981
02:17:32,310 --> 02:17:34,212
maybe it's time to retire.

1982
02:17:36,147 --> 02:17:37,515
I'm sorry, to dretire.

1983
02:17:41,553 --> 02:17:45,824
And Pete Davidson, my boy,
you freaky little motherfucker.

1984
02:17:47,759 --> 02:17:50,662
We go way back, Pete.
Yes, we do.

1985
02:17:50,729 --> 02:17:54,165
You look like a white guy
doing blackface doing whiteface.

1986
02:17:54,232 --> 02:17:55,900
What the fuck?

1987
02:17:57,135 --> 02:17:59,337
How the fuck, I love you too.

1988
02:18:03,008 --> 02:18:05,343
And somehow you're still
the best-looking guy

1989
02:18:05,410 --> 02:18:08,280
on this dais until I showed up.
It's just me and you.

1990
02:18:10,315 --> 02:18:11,316
Shut up, Kevin.

1991
02:18:12,917 --> 02:18:15,186
And I wanna just take a moment
just to give a shout out,

1992
02:18:15,253 --> 02:18:17,989
give flowers to all the ladies up here
on this dais.

1993
02:18:21,293 --> 02:18:25,363
You all look
beautiful, magnificent, sexy.

1994
02:18:29,067 --> 02:18:30,869
You know who else looks sexy?

1995
02:18:32,537 --> 02:18:33,905
Kevin's wife, Eniko.

1996
02:18:33,972 --> 02:18:35,073
What the fuck?

1997
02:18:35,140 --> 02:18:37,042
What do you mean, what the fuck?
Just sit down.

1998
02:18:37,108 --> 02:18:39,144
I'm just giving her compliment.

1999
02:18:39,210 --> 02:18:41,780
-Okay, no, listen.
-No fucking listen.

2000
02:18:41,846 --> 02:18:43,948
What the fuck are you doing?

2001
02:18:44,015 --> 02:18:46,885
-It's my fucking wife.
-I know, I'm just giving her compliment.

2002
02:18:46,951 --> 02:18:49,754
-She looks beautiful and sexy.
-That's not how you said it.

2003
02:18:49,821 --> 02:18:50,822
You didn't say it like that
the first time.

2004
02:18:50,889 --> 02:18:52,090
How did I say it? What do you mean?

2005
02:18:52,157 --> 02:18:54,693
-You said it different the first time.
-I said she's sexy.

2006
02:18:54,759 --> 02:18:57,228
Don't fucking say it like that.

2007
02:18:57,295 --> 02:18:58,596
Don't do that.

2008
02:18:58,663 --> 02:19:00,799
-Don't fucking do that.
-Hold on, Chelsea.

2009
02:19:00,865 --> 02:19:05,070
Don't you think it's time
for your wife to have a real man?

2010
02:19:05,136 --> 02:19:06,304
What?

2011
02:19:08,340 --> 02:19:09,507
Don't you think it's time

2012
02:19:09,574 --> 02:19:13,778
for Eniko to be with somebody
that is bigger than her?

2013
02:19:13,845 --> 02:19:15,280
Yes.

2014
02:19:15,347 --> 02:19:16,848
I think my wife is real happy.

2015
02:19:16,915 --> 02:19:19,351
Let's ask her. Let's ask her.
See if she's happy.

2016
02:19:19,417 --> 02:19:22,354
-She doesn't look happy.
-I know my wife is fucking happy.

2017
02:19:22,420 --> 02:19:24,522
I don't know if she's happy.

2018
02:19:24,589 --> 02:19:26,925
Kevin's a little humper. That's a genre.

2019
02:19:26,991 --> 02:19:28,426
Honey, are you happy with me?

2020
02:19:28,493 --> 02:19:30,395
-One hundred percent.
-You know what she just said?

2021
02:19:30,462 --> 02:19:32,797
Would you be happier with The Rock?

2022
02:19:32,864 --> 02:19:34,032
Or any rock?

2023
02:19:34,099 --> 02:19:36,301
Yeah, did you hear what she just said?

2024
02:19:36,368 --> 02:19:38,470
She just said, fuck him.
That's what she just said.

2025
02:19:38,536 --> 02:19:39,904
-She didn't say that.
-She said, fuck you.

2026
02:19:39,971 --> 02:19:42,073
Okay, well listen,
I'm gonna tell you what.

2027
02:19:42,140 --> 02:19:44,309
Of all the awards tonight,
Chelsea's getting an award

2028
02:19:44,376 --> 02:19:46,711
for her poontang,
Lifetime Achievement Award.

2029
02:19:46,778 --> 02:19:51,015
Your wife, her poontang and awards,
she deserves an award, an Academy Award

2030
02:19:51,082 --> 02:19:52,517
for pretending she likes to fuck you.

2031
02:19:52,584 --> 02:19:53,752
-That's the thing.
-What the fuck was that?

2032
02:19:53,818 --> 02:19:54,919
Yes.

2033
02:19:55,954 --> 02:19:59,124
-You son of a bitch.
-And the award goes to.

2034
02:19:59,190 --> 02:20:00,358
You fuck stick.

2035
02:20:01,493 --> 02:20:02,494
You fuck stick.

2036
02:20:02,560 --> 02:20:05,663
Okay, listen, all right,
I'm not gonna do that,

2037
02:20:05,730 --> 02:20:06,931
I won't do that.

2038
02:20:08,466 --> 02:20:09,534
Hey, Eniko.

2039
02:20:13,972 --> 02:20:16,975
I'm just gonna say, how about later
on tonight, you and I together,

2040
02:20:17,041 --> 02:20:19,210
we'll open up a bottle of tequila
and we…

2041
02:20:21,813 --> 02:20:24,015
Stop squirming, Kevin,
don't look at me like that.

2042
02:20:24,082 --> 02:20:25,950
A bottle of Grand Cormino tequila.

2043
02:20:26,017 --> 02:20:28,386
-Grand Cormino.
-You and The Rock.

2044
02:20:28,453 --> 02:20:31,256
You'll throw up with that,
as you usually do, listen.

2045
02:20:33,024 --> 02:20:34,859
You want Teremana,
you want the good shit,

2046
02:20:34,926 --> 02:20:37,929
you want The Rock, the good shit.
Listen, they know.

2047
02:20:42,834 --> 02:20:45,370
All right, but as you know,

2048
02:20:45,437 --> 02:20:47,906
we'll let you watch
like we always do, okay?

2049
02:20:49,274 --> 02:20:53,344
Hey, it's just jokes from the corner
of the room, strapped tight

2050
02:20:53,411 --> 02:20:55,113
in your cuck high chair.

2051
02:20:55,180 --> 02:20:56,181
Listen.

2052
02:20:59,951 --> 02:21:01,419
I'm not a sick fuck.

2053
02:21:01,486 --> 02:21:03,588
All right. Well, you guys can Google
what that means later.

2054
02:21:03,655 --> 02:21:06,424
Listen. Here's the thing.

2055
02:21:06,491 --> 02:21:09,427
I actually get why women love Kevin Hart.

2056
02:21:09,494 --> 02:21:13,465
I totally get it.
I know. Well, I'll tell you why.

2057
02:21:13,531 --> 02:21:16,167
He's the same size
and color as their favorite dildo.

2058
02:21:18,870 --> 02:21:21,105
And the little motherfucker
is twice as loud.

2059
02:21:24,275 --> 02:21:28,146
You know, ladies and gentlemen…
You laugh because it's true.

2060
02:21:28,213 --> 02:21:29,981
But you know…

2061
02:21:30,048 --> 02:21:33,084
Ladies and gentlemen,
Kevin and I actually have,

2062
02:21:33,151 --> 02:21:34,652
we have many things in common.

2063
02:21:34,719 --> 02:21:37,622
It's why the guy's my best friend
and something else we have

2064
02:21:37,689 --> 02:21:41,659
in common is, yeah, we do.

2065
02:21:41,726 --> 02:21:46,664
And I love the guy and we also have this
in common is recently,

2066
02:21:46,731 --> 02:21:47,966
both of our dads died.

2067
02:21:48,967 --> 02:21:50,468
-It's true.
-It's true.

2068
02:21:51,970 --> 02:21:53,838
And I thought, well,

2069
02:21:53,905 --> 02:21:58,076
maybe I shouldn't bring this up
because it's heavy, but I thought,

2070
02:21:58,142 --> 02:21:59,777
it is something that bonds us.

2071
02:21:59,844 --> 02:22:02,780
And I said, yeah, let me talk about it.

2072
02:22:02,847 --> 02:22:04,949
As many of you may know, my old man,

2073
02:22:05,016 --> 02:22:07,785
he came here to the Forum
back in the '70s.

2074
02:22:07,852 --> 02:22:09,954
My dad, he was
the "Soul Man" Rocky Johnson.

2075
02:22:10,021 --> 02:22:12,390
He was a bad dude in the game.

2076
02:22:12,457 --> 02:22:15,426
Yeah. And he was, I miss my dad.

2077
02:22:15,493 --> 02:22:19,197
He was tall and strong and big.
And where's he at?

2078
02:22:19,264 --> 02:22:21,633
No, that's not him. Where's he at?

2079
02:22:23,167 --> 02:22:24,168
Somewhere.

2080
02:22:26,604 --> 02:22:29,140
He's somewhere,
he looked like a superhero.

2081
02:22:30,508 --> 02:22:32,010
Where is my dad?

2082
02:22:32,076 --> 02:22:34,712
They put him out there.
He's out there, okay, good.

2083
02:22:34,779 --> 02:22:36,781
Can you guys see my old man?

2084
02:22:36,848 --> 02:22:40,018
Okay, cool, there he is, yeah.

2085
02:22:40,084 --> 02:22:42,620
He was a fucking tank, you know?

2086
02:22:42,687 --> 02:22:44,155
Now, whereas Kevin's dad.

2087
02:22:53,131 --> 02:22:55,500
You son of a bitch.

2088
02:22:55,567 --> 02:22:57,368
You son of a bitch.

2089
02:22:58,703 --> 02:23:00,471
What the fuck was that, man?

2090
02:23:02,740 --> 02:23:04,409
You piece of, I mean, come on, man.

2091
02:23:04,475 --> 02:23:09,113
-There's a better picture of my dad.
-Okay, okay.

2092
02:23:09,180 --> 02:23:12,850
No, I just wanted to show
both our dads showing their chest

2093
02:23:12,917 --> 02:23:16,387
and what their bodies look like.
Okay, look, you are right.

2094
02:23:16,454 --> 02:23:17,455
Come on, guys.

2095
02:23:22,327 --> 02:23:25,730
There's a bitter picture of Kevin's dad.

2096
02:23:25,797 --> 02:23:27,599
That's right.

2097
02:23:27,665 --> 02:23:29,167
Whoever released
these pictures are fired.

2098
02:23:29,233 --> 02:23:31,803
You're fucking fired.

2099
02:23:31,869 --> 02:23:34,105
Son of a bitch.

2100
02:23:34,172 --> 02:23:38,176
There he is.
That is a legit mugshot of Kevin's dad.

2101
02:23:38,242 --> 02:23:41,579
And as we all know,

2102
02:23:41,646 --> 02:23:43,147
I met Kevin's dad.

2103
02:23:43,214 --> 02:23:46,184
And as we all know,
you know, Kevin's dad,

2104
02:23:46,250 --> 02:23:49,621
Kevin's dad, he was a crackhead.

2105
02:23:49,687 --> 02:23:52,023
Yeah.

2106
02:23:52,090 --> 02:23:54,292
And he loved the crack.

2107
02:23:57,161 --> 02:23:59,097
And that was before he even met Kevin.

2108
02:24:01,232 --> 02:24:04,902
You know, Kevin realized that the only way
to win his dad's love was

2109
02:24:04,969 --> 02:24:08,439
if he too fit inside a tiny plastic bag.

2110
02:24:10,708 --> 02:24:13,277
And Kevin, just like your dad,

2111
02:24:13,344 --> 02:24:16,080
it's wild how much you need the rock.

2112
02:24:17,982 --> 02:24:20,018
Oh, Kevin.

2113
02:24:22,620 --> 02:24:23,755
It's good.

2114
02:24:25,757 --> 02:24:28,359
Ah, my little crack baby, Kevin.

2115
02:24:29,427 --> 02:24:30,928
My little crack baby, Kevin.

2116
02:24:30,995 --> 02:24:36,401
You know, your dad, true story,
his dad even named Kevin after crack.

2117
02:24:36,467 --> 02:24:40,672
Yes, because he legitimately
thought it was spelled with a K.

2118
02:24:40,738 --> 02:24:43,508
True story.
And what's the medical term for that?

2119
02:24:43,574 --> 02:24:46,778
Oh, fucking idiot. Yes.

2120
02:24:46,844 --> 02:24:51,582
Now, I know, you're sweating and crying.
I know, I know you well.

2121
02:24:51,649 --> 02:24:54,786
I know our dads right now are
looking down on us from the clouds

2122
02:24:54,852 --> 02:24:56,320
and I hope they're proud.

2123
02:24:57,455 --> 02:24:59,323
I think they are.

2124
02:24:59,390 --> 02:25:01,159
You know, I know your dad has
to look a little harder

2125
02:25:01,225 --> 02:25:03,461
because you're a fucking dwarf.

2126
02:25:03,528 --> 02:25:05,530
But, but…

2127
02:25:06,898 --> 02:25:08,966
-I love you brother.
-I love you too. Thank you.

2128
02:25:09,033 --> 02:25:11,803
I know you love me too.
I love you, yes, I do.

2129
02:25:11,869 --> 02:25:13,337
I really do.

2130
02:25:17,075 --> 02:25:21,412
And just to prove it, just last week
I got a Kevin Hart tattoo.

2131
02:25:22,714 --> 02:25:24,315
Yeah, whoo! On my cock.

2132
02:25:25,750 --> 02:25:27,185
Yeah, life size too.

2133
02:25:28,786 --> 02:25:30,855
Kevin, I want to show you really quickly.

2134
02:25:32,190 --> 02:25:34,258
-Get the fuck out of here.
-Okay, okay, okay.

2135
02:25:34,325 --> 02:25:36,861
-Stop it, man.
-Okay, no problem, no.

2136
02:25:36,928 --> 02:25:38,930
-Eniko, I'll show you later.
-Hey, what the fuck?

2137
02:25:38,996 --> 02:25:40,465
-I'm sorry.
-What the fuck are you doing, man?

2138
02:25:40,531 --> 02:25:41,699
I'm sorry, listen.

2139
02:25:41,766 --> 02:25:43,634
-What the fuck is that?
-Okay, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

2140
02:25:43,701 --> 02:25:45,002
It's my fucking wife, man.

2141
02:25:45,069 --> 02:25:46,304
I'm kidding,
she's already seen it. Listen.

2142
02:25:46,370 --> 02:25:48,873
-What the fuck is happening?
-I'm joking.

2143
02:25:48,940 --> 02:25:51,042
-The fuck are you doing, man?
-It's jokes.

2144
02:25:51,109 --> 02:25:53,478
It's my fucking wife, man.

2145
02:25:53,544 --> 02:25:56,914
Mwah! She's the best. I'm kidding, okay.

2146
02:25:56,981 --> 02:26:03,955
But in all seriousness,
I would like to make a toast to you.

2147
02:26:04,288 --> 02:26:05,890
Can I make a toast to Kevin?

2148
02:26:05,957 --> 02:26:07,325
-Yes. Yes.
-My brother?

2149
02:26:08,359 --> 02:26:09,894
-All right.
-Yes.

2150
02:26:11,095 --> 02:26:14,999
Let's do it, let's do it.
Here, I'll pour myself one.

2151
02:26:15,066 --> 02:26:17,001
-You pour yourself one.
-Yeah.

2152
02:26:17,068 --> 02:26:20,471
-You pour the Grand Cormino.
-Yeah, I have the Grand Cormino.

2153
02:26:20,538 --> 02:26:22,840
-Okay.
-I'll pour the Teremana.

2154
02:26:22,907 --> 02:26:25,276
Why would you say
that about my fucking wife?

2155
02:26:25,343 --> 02:26:28,446
I'm gonna talk to you later.

2156
02:26:28,513 --> 02:26:29,881
I'll talk to you fucking later.

2157
02:26:29,947 --> 02:26:31,516
But you're the one
who said, "Hey, listen,

2158
02:26:31,582 --> 02:26:32,817
fucking say anything you want."

2159
02:26:32,884 --> 02:26:34,352
No, have a good time,
but what the fuck was that?

2160
02:26:34,418 --> 02:26:36,454
-Okay, okay, okay, okay.
-Come on, let's take a toast.

2161
02:26:36,521 --> 02:26:39,957
Okay, let's take a toast. You know what,
here, let me sit down.

2162
02:26:40,024 --> 02:26:42,193
-Yeah, go, you sit down.
-Let me sit down.

2163
02:26:42,260 --> 02:26:43,628
No, you sit down, let me sit down.

2164
02:26:43,694 --> 02:26:45,496
-Come on.
-All right.

2165
02:26:51,836 --> 02:26:54,539
Um… Hey, listen.

2166
02:26:54,605 --> 02:26:57,408
-Before the toast comes, it's only right.
-Yeah.

2167
02:26:57,475 --> 02:26:58,843
Come sit on my knee.

2168
02:27:01,312 --> 02:27:02,947
Yes. No, what do you mean, "Don't"?

2169
02:27:03,014 --> 02:27:04,649
-What the fuck are you talking about?
-No, what do you mean, "Don't"?

2170
02:27:04,715 --> 02:27:06,150
-Shut up, Shane.
-I'm not sitting on your fucking knee.

2171
02:27:06,217 --> 02:27:08,352
-Sit on my knee.
-I'm not sitting on your fucking knee.

2172
02:27:08,419 --> 02:27:09,387
We're gonna show brotherly love.

2173
02:27:09,453 --> 02:27:11,189
-You're gonna sit on my knee.
-No, no, no. I'm live on Netflix.

2174
02:27:11,255 --> 02:27:12,723
-Do it! Do it!
-I'm not sitting on your fucking knee.

2175
02:27:12,790 --> 02:27:14,325
-Everyone wants you to sit down.
-Chelsea.

2176
02:27:14,392 --> 02:27:16,260
-I know you're gonna fucking do it.
-Chelsea, shut the fuck up.

2177
02:27:16,327 --> 02:27:17,762
-Yes, yes.
-No.

2178
02:27:17,829 --> 02:27:19,197
-No. Shane.
-Yes.

2179
02:27:19,263 --> 02:27:21,666
Katt Williams would be right.
Katt Williams would be right.

2180
02:27:21,732 --> 02:27:23,201
Shane, no.

2181
02:27:23,267 --> 02:27:24,969
-Don't let Katt win.
-Do you wanna see Kevin Hart

2182
02:27:25,036 --> 02:27:26,103
sit on my knee?

2183
02:27:26,170 --> 02:27:29,240
There you go.

2184
02:27:29,307 --> 02:27:31,008
-Okay.
-Sit on my knee.

2185
02:27:31,075 --> 02:27:33,044
I got a-- I got a better question.

2186
02:27:33,110 --> 02:27:35,279
Do you guys want to go fuck yourselves?

2187
02:27:35,346 --> 02:27:37,582
Because I'm not fucking doing it!

2188
02:27:37,648 --> 02:27:38,916
-No, man.
-Come on.

2189
02:27:38,983 --> 02:27:41,285
-No, fuck you, man.
-I-- I-- I really mean this.

2190
02:27:41,352 --> 02:27:43,988
-No, I mean this, man. Fuck you.
-Okay, well-- well, get close.

2191
02:27:44,055 --> 02:27:45,823
All right, I'll sit right here.
I'll sit on this.

2192
02:27:45,890 --> 02:27:47,291
-All right, come on.
-Okay.

2193
02:27:47,358 --> 02:27:48,926
-Come on.
-All right.

2194
02:27:50,728 --> 02:27:54,031
-To brotherhood, to friendship.
-Absolutely.

2195
02:27:54,098 --> 02:27:55,933
And I-- I am always in your corner.

2196
02:27:56,000 --> 02:27:57,134
-Fucking love you.
-And I love you, man.

2197
02:27:57,201 --> 02:27:58,369
-I love you more, man.
-I love you, too.

2198
02:27:58,436 --> 02:28:01,973
Love you more. It's my brother, man.

2199
02:28:02,039 --> 02:28:03,841
Hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on, hold on,

2200
02:28:03,908 --> 02:28:05,943
hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

2201
02:28:06,010 --> 02:28:09,447
That's not for you.
That's good shit. Let me try this.

2202
02:28:09,513 --> 02:28:10,781
That's good shit, too.

2203
02:28:10,848 --> 02:28:14,218
Uh, this is for Daddy. This is for you.

2204
02:28:14,285 --> 02:28:17,188
-What the fuck are you talking about?
-Get a good latch.

2205
02:28:17,255 --> 02:28:18,256
What?

2206
02:28:18,322 --> 02:28:20,892
My titties ain't sucking themselves,
now you get down here

2207
02:28:20,958 --> 02:28:22,960
-and you suck on this tit.
-Hey, man--

2208
02:28:23,027 --> 02:28:25,630
Come on, get up,
get up, sit down, sit down.

2209
02:28:25,696 --> 02:28:27,531
Get the fuck off me,
what is your fucking issue?

2210
02:28:27,598 --> 02:28:29,967
Do you wanna see Kevin
latch onto this nipple?

2211
02:28:30,034 --> 02:28:32,503
Okay, all right,
okay, all right, that's it.

2212
02:28:32,570 --> 02:28:34,705
-They do. Sit down.
-That's it. Get the fuck out of here.

2213
02:28:34,772 --> 02:28:36,207
-What do you mean--
-Get the fuck out of here!

2214
02:28:36,274 --> 02:28:37,775
-They ain't sucking themselves.
-That's it. Fuck you, man.

2215
02:28:37,842 --> 02:28:39,010
-Get d--
-Fuck you!

2216
02:28:39,076 --> 02:28:40,511
-Get d--
-No, I'm not doing shit.

2217
02:28:40,578 --> 02:28:42,413
Oh, now you don't want
to do it because it's a live crowd?

2218
02:28:42,480 --> 02:28:45,216
-I don't want to do it because I'm--
-Oh, now you don't want to do it.

2219
02:28:45,283 --> 02:28:48,286
-I've never sucked your fucking titties.
-You have. What do you mean?

2220
02:28:48,352 --> 02:28:49,353
Fuck you, DJ.

2221
02:28:49,420 --> 02:28:50,888
Oh, now you've never
cradled my balls either?

2222
02:28:50,955 --> 02:28:53,024
You know what? Okay. All right. That's it.

2223
02:28:53,090 --> 02:28:54,625
-All right. That's it. That's it.
-Okay, fine, all right.

2224
02:28:54,692 --> 02:28:56,560
-You're done. You're fucking done.
-Fuck this.

2225
02:28:56,627 --> 02:28:57,662
-Wrap it up.
-Sit down.

2226
02:28:57,728 --> 02:28:58,996
-Wrap it up.
-Sit the fuck down.

2227
02:28:59,063 --> 02:29:00,064
Well, fuck you. Wrap it up.

2228
02:29:00,131 --> 02:29:01,365
Now you don't want to suck it.

2229
02:29:01,432 --> 02:29:02,800
-Okay, fine.
-Fucking… bald--

2230
02:29:02,867 --> 02:29:04,702
-That's all right.
-Fucking piece of shit, wrap it up.

2231
02:29:04,769 --> 02:29:05,970
That's all right, that's all right.

2232
02:29:06,037 --> 02:29:07,104
Jesus Christ.

2233
02:29:07,171 --> 02:29:09,006
Eniko, you know what's coming tonight.

2234
02:29:09,073 --> 02:29:11,175
-Okay, that's it.
-Okay, all right.

2235
02:29:12,376 --> 02:29:16,080
Just a little this, this,
this, this, this, this all night.

2236
02:29:16,147 --> 02:29:17,348
Listen, all right.

2237
02:29:20,217 --> 02:29:21,352
Jesus.

2238
02:29:23,788 --> 02:29:24,989
You know…

2239
02:29:27,291 --> 02:29:29,760
This is why my jaws always hurt
from hanging out with you--

2240
02:29:29,827 --> 02:29:32,964
-What the fuck does that mean?
-No, no, no. No, no. I meant--

2241
02:29:34,198 --> 02:29:37,535
-What the fuck are you saying, man?
-You know what I meant.

2242
02:29:37,601 --> 02:29:40,972
I meant 'cause I laugh so fucking hard
with this guy.

2243
02:29:41,038 --> 02:29:44,608
-That's what I meant. All right?
-Okay, well say that first.

2244
02:29:47,378 --> 02:29:49,013
Jesus.

2245
02:29:49,080 --> 02:29:52,883
All right, the time has finally arrived.

2246
02:29:54,018 --> 02:29:56,721
Just one more thing for him to suck at.

2247
02:29:56,787 --> 02:30:02,193
Clearly won't be my areola tonight,
but ladies and gentlemen,

2248
02:30:02,259 --> 02:30:06,998
it is my honor
to introduce my friend,

2249
02:30:07,064 --> 02:30:11,168
my brother, the one we are
all here to celebrate here tonight

2250
02:30:11,235 --> 02:30:14,472
and everywhere around the world
watching live on Netflix.

2251
02:30:15,806 --> 02:30:20,077
I love you, I'm fucking proud of you,
and I will always have your back.

2252
02:30:20,144 --> 02:30:23,047
Ladies and gentlemen,
the GOAT, Kevin Hart.

2253
02:30:28,619 --> 02:30:31,088
Regardless, but this ain't no Kevin
I'm heartless

2254
02:30:31,155 --> 02:30:32,723
Bitch, I'm the biggest, the largest

2255
02:30:32,823 --> 02:30:35,192
Been stepping on cheese
Since my mama lived in an apartment

2256
02:30:35,326 --> 02:30:36,193
Wow.

2257
02:30:36,260 --> 02:30:37,828
But this ain't no Kevin, I'm heartless

2258
02:30:38,162 --> 02:30:39,196
Um…

2259
02:30:41,332 --> 02:30:44,301
You know, the-- the rebuttal--
the rebuttal that I have in store,

2260
02:30:44,368 --> 02:30:47,738
I don't think is, uh… is podium friendly.

2261
02:30:47,805 --> 02:30:49,507
So y'all can get the podium the fuck
out the way.

2262
02:30:49,573 --> 02:30:54,311
Let's-- Let's lower
the fucking podium. Um…

2263
02:30:54,378 --> 02:30:56,414
We heard a lot of shit tonight.

2264
02:30:56,480 --> 02:30:59,183
We heard a lot of shit tonight
and like I told everybody on this day is,

2265
02:30:59,250 --> 02:31:01,719
I said, "I want you
to go as hard as you want

2266
02:31:01,786 --> 02:31:03,421
because I get the mic last."

2267
02:31:03,487 --> 02:31:05,256
And unlike other roasts,

2268
02:31:05,322 --> 02:31:08,626
what they've never had is
a polished fucking comedian

2269
02:31:08,692 --> 02:31:10,661
as such go last.

2270
02:31:10,728 --> 02:31:12,963
So what I wanna do,

2271
02:31:13,030 --> 02:31:14,965
I wanna make you guys understand, like,

2272
02:31:15,032 --> 02:31:17,535
you basically have told me
you want a real nigga tonight.

2273
02:31:17,601 --> 02:31:19,070
You want a real nigga here.

2274
02:31:20,671 --> 02:31:21,872
So you're gonna get a real nigga.

2275
02:31:21,939 --> 02:31:27,344
A real nigga is what you want,
then a real nigga is what you will get.

2276
02:31:27,411 --> 02:31:28,579
Okay?

2277
02:31:28,646 --> 02:31:30,448
You want a real nigga response?

2278
02:31:30,514 --> 02:31:32,516
Then I'm gonna
give you a real nigga response.

2279
02:31:32,583 --> 02:31:36,020
At this point, I wanna take the moment
just to talk to my sponsors,

2280
02:31:36,087 --> 02:31:38,355
my business partners,
my brand partnerships,

2281
02:31:38,422 --> 02:31:40,224
and I'm gonna tell you,
for the next 15 minutes,

2282
02:31:40,291 --> 02:31:42,460
put a pause on our relationships,

2283
02:31:42,526 --> 02:31:46,230
because what I'm about
to do is not business friendly.

2284
02:31:46,297 --> 02:31:47,731
I'm going to be raw.

2285
02:31:47,798 --> 02:31:50,701
And when I say raw, I really mean raw.

2286
02:31:50,768 --> 02:31:54,605
I'm talking raw
like the inside of Lizzo's thighs.

2287
02:31:54,672 --> 02:31:56,373
Uh…

2288
02:31:56,440 --> 02:31:59,310
There's no skin there.
There's no skin at all.

2289
02:31:59,376 --> 02:32:02,513
Raw, like the dick
that Chelsea Handler takes.

2290
02:32:02,580 --> 02:32:04,248
We're gonna go raw tonight.

2291
02:32:04,315 --> 02:32:08,018
Raw like Tony Hinchcliffe's asshole
when Joe Rogan finishes.

2292
02:32:08,085 --> 02:32:09,053
We're gonna go raw.

2293
02:32:10,087 --> 02:32:12,723
In order to be raw, I need my bitch.

2294
02:32:12,790 --> 02:32:14,458
Give me my bitch, please.

2295
02:32:14,525 --> 02:32:16,494
Yeah.

2296
02:32:16,560 --> 02:32:18,796
Do me a favor, cock it again.
Let me make sure it's loaded.

2297
02:32:18,863 --> 02:32:20,498
One more time.

2298
02:32:20,564 --> 02:32:21,765
Yeah, because I'm about

2299
02:32:21,832 --> 02:32:24,101
to take shots, okay?

2300
02:32:24,168 --> 02:32:25,769
Boy, oh boy.

2301
02:32:25,836 --> 02:32:28,772
We're going to start with Dwayne,
my friend the Rock.

2302
02:32:28,839 --> 02:32:30,007
Fuck, man.

2303
02:32:30,074 --> 02:32:32,042
He shocked me. He fucking shocked me.

2304
02:32:32,109 --> 02:32:34,245
I didn't know he was going to be here,
he came.

2305
02:32:34,311 --> 02:32:36,413
And it's crazy because that's my friend.
Like, we're really close.

2306
02:32:36,480 --> 02:32:38,849
And, you know, a lot
of people have said bad things

2307
02:32:38,916 --> 02:32:40,151
about Dwayne,
and I've taken up for them.

2308
02:32:40,217 --> 02:32:43,554
A lot of people have said
that Dwayne is on Ozempic.

2309
02:32:43,621 --> 02:32:46,257
They thought he was on fucking Ozempic.

2310
02:32:46,323 --> 02:32:49,059
I'm the one that said he's not on Ozempic.

2311
02:32:49,126 --> 02:32:50,761
That's not Ozempic.

2312
02:32:50,828 --> 02:32:54,131
I'm here to tell you guys tonight
that what you're looking at…

2313
02:32:54,198 --> 02:32:56,267
is full-blown AIDS, okay?

2314
02:32:57,601 --> 02:33:00,070
That's AIDS.
Hit him in the head one time.

2315
02:33:00,137 --> 02:33:01,472
Yeah,

2316
02:33:01,539 --> 02:33:03,140
we're gonna shoot these bitches tonight.

2317
02:33:04,942 --> 02:33:07,545
I'm not talking about the good stuff,
not the Magic Johnson AIDS.

2318
02:33:07,611 --> 02:33:12,016
What you're looking at is Tom Hanks
in the movie Philadelphia AIDS.

2319
02:33:12,082 --> 02:33:16,086
The-- The-- Yeah, the AIDS--

2320
02:33:16,153 --> 02:33:18,088
The AIDS that
takes your body weight like that,

2321
02:33:18,155 --> 02:33:20,724
that gives you a drastic change
over-fucking-night.

2322
02:33:20,791 --> 02:33:22,493
Fuck him. Do me a favor.

2323
02:33:22,560 --> 02:33:24,562
Hit him in the head one more time.

2324
02:33:24,628 --> 02:33:26,230
Yeah!

2325
02:33:26,297 --> 02:33:28,899
I'm gonna fucking shoot the fuck
out of you all night, DJ.

2326
02:33:28,966 --> 02:33:30,868
No, it's not enough.

2327
02:33:30,935 --> 02:33:34,305
No, it's not, because you're starting
to look weird.

2328
02:33:34,371 --> 02:33:35,873
It's starting to look bad.
You look like a--

2329
02:33:35,940 --> 02:33:38,008
You look like a ninja turtle
with no shell.

2330
02:33:38,075 --> 02:33:40,811
You look like a fucking…

2331
02:33:40,878 --> 02:33:43,113
Yeah! Shoot him again!

2332
02:33:43,180 --> 02:33:45,516
Yeah!

2333
02:33:45,583 --> 02:33:46,584
Fuck him!

2334
02:33:49,119 --> 02:33:51,021
You know, I've been talking to Sony.

2335
02:33:51,088 --> 02:33:53,490
I told Sony
that we better shoot Jumanji 4 now

2336
02:33:53,557 --> 02:33:57,494
because I don't know if we have
much time left with DJ.

2337
02:33:57,561 --> 02:33:58,996
He could die soon.

2338
02:34:01,198 --> 02:34:03,734
I'm not gonna lie, I miss the old Rock.

2339
02:34:03,801 --> 02:34:04,802
Close friends we are, man.

2340
02:34:04,868 --> 02:34:07,204
We used to teach
each other a lot of things.

2341
02:34:07,271 --> 02:34:09,640
Like, honestly, DJ told me how
to do movie stunts.

2342
02:34:09,707 --> 02:34:13,244
I know how to do movie stunts
because of him, right?

2343
02:34:13,310 --> 02:34:14,778
I told him things in return.

2344
02:34:14,845 --> 02:34:17,081
I taught him how to sound out words.

2345
02:34:17,147 --> 02:34:18,882
"Sound it out."

2346
02:34:18,949 --> 02:34:20,384
"Sound it out."

2347
02:34:20,451 --> 02:34:22,720
I taught him how
to point at images of fruit

2348
02:34:22,786 --> 02:34:24,922
so we could know what he wanted
to eat on set.

2349
02:34:27,291 --> 02:34:31,729
"Papaya, got it. Pa-pa-ya, yes."

2350
02:34:31,795 --> 02:34:33,764
That's a caveman joke.

2351
02:34:33,831 --> 02:34:36,834
Shane, I bet you thought it was
a monkey joke, you racist fuck.

2352
02:34:36,900 --> 02:34:37,901
I know you did.

2353
02:34:41,171 --> 02:34:42,406
You know, listen to this, man.

2354
02:34:42,473 --> 02:34:44,208
You know, most people
don't know the things

2355
02:34:44,275 --> 02:34:46,343
that I know about DJ, man.
The Rock is half Black.

2356
02:34:46,410 --> 02:34:47,745
I know it was mentioned tonight.

2357
02:34:47,811 --> 02:34:49,647
Uh, he is. He's half Black.

2358
02:34:49,713 --> 02:34:51,649
And a lot
of people don't really know that.

2359
02:34:51,715 --> 02:34:53,784
Nobody else knows that.

2360
02:34:53,851 --> 02:34:55,919
You know who else doesn't know that?

2361
02:34:55,986 --> 02:34:57,988
Him. He doesn't fucking know it.

2362
02:34:59,390 --> 02:35:01,659
He's half Black and half Samoan.

2363
02:35:02,660 --> 02:35:04,261
You know what I wish?

2364
02:35:04,328 --> 02:35:07,865
I wish he would do some more Black shit.

2365
02:35:07,931 --> 02:35:08,932
That's what I do.

2366
02:35:10,968 --> 02:35:13,103
I'm sick of all this Hawaiian shit.

2367
02:35:13,170 --> 02:35:15,706
All this barefoot hula hoopin' shit.

2368
02:35:17,641 --> 02:35:21,779
All this hukule,
hukule, hukule, hukule shit.

2369
02:35:21,845 --> 02:35:26,083
Don't nobody wanna see your big ass
with no fuckin' grass dress on,

2370
02:35:26,150 --> 02:35:28,218
hukulein' all fuckin' day.

2371
02:35:28,285 --> 02:35:31,188
Put on some Air Force Ones,
nigga, I'm sick of seein' it.

2372
02:35:33,424 --> 02:35:36,126
I'ma-- I'ma take you down one by one.

2373
02:35:37,328 --> 02:35:38,462
Shane Gillis.

2374
02:35:38,529 --> 02:35:39,997
Shane Gillis tonight, man, as a host.

2375
02:35:40,064 --> 02:35:41,432
Show him some love.

2376
02:35:42,666 --> 02:35:45,569
Seriously, what a good set.

2377
02:35:45,636 --> 02:35:47,538
What a good set.

2378
02:35:47,604 --> 02:35:50,040
I'll be honest with you guys,
Shane Gillis was one Bud Light away

2379
02:35:50,107 --> 02:35:52,176
from calling me
a "nigger" on this stage tonight.

2380
02:35:57,214 --> 02:35:59,049
One Bud Light.

2381
02:35:59,116 --> 02:36:00,818
"Nigger!" He wanted to say it.

2382
02:36:02,753 --> 02:36:04,822
Shane is on my Mount Rushmore of racism.

2383
02:36:06,790 --> 02:36:08,092
He is.

2384
02:36:08,158 --> 02:36:09,526
My Mount Rushmore of racism,

2385
02:36:09,593 --> 02:36:12,363
like when it comes to hating
Black people, Shane Gillis,

2386
02:36:13,430 --> 02:36:14,431
Kid Rock,

2387
02:36:15,766 --> 02:36:16,900
Hulk Hogan,

2388
02:36:18,535 --> 02:36:20,971
Stephen A. Smith.
Those are my four people…

2389
02:36:23,407 --> 02:36:25,309
…when it comes to hating Black people.

2390
02:36:28,078 --> 02:36:30,948
Shane Gillis is what happens
when you let those people

2391
02:36:31,014 --> 02:36:32,583
on Love on the Spectrum fuck.

2392
02:36:32,649 --> 02:36:33,650
That's what happens.

2393
02:36:35,652 --> 02:36:36,920
They make one of those.

2394
02:36:38,589 --> 02:36:39,656
Don't let them people fuck.

2395
02:36:39,723 --> 02:36:42,426
You gonna get another Shane Gillis.

2396
02:36:44,094 --> 02:36:47,398
Shane is what happens when
you give a Down syndrome baby

2397
02:36:47,464 --> 02:36:50,534
human growth hormone.
That's what happens.

2398
02:36:50,601 --> 02:36:52,136
Don't rush the process.

2399
02:36:53,704 --> 02:36:54,705
Shane is autistic.

2400
02:36:56,974 --> 02:36:59,710
Shane is autistic,
and Chelsea is a whore.

2401
02:36:59,777 --> 02:37:02,312
Um…

2402
02:37:02,379 --> 02:37:04,982
They both love trains,
but for different reasons.

2403
02:37:06,650 --> 02:37:09,553
Hit him! Hit him! Yeah!

2404
02:37:11,422 --> 02:37:12,589
Fuck!

2405
02:37:13,957 --> 02:37:16,894
This is a good time for me to talk
to one of my sponsors, Chase Bank.

2406
02:37:16,960 --> 02:37:19,263
Cash back with every purchase
you get with us.

2407
02:37:19,329 --> 02:37:21,765
Uh…

2408
02:37:24,168 --> 02:37:25,803
Everybody's been
getting on my girl Chelsea

2409
02:37:25,869 --> 02:37:27,204
all night for being a whore.

2410
02:37:27,271 --> 02:37:29,406
Everybody, stop.

2411
02:37:29,473 --> 02:37:31,275
Chelsea isn't just a whore.

2412
02:37:32,409 --> 02:37:34,845
She's also old. Chelsea's old.

2413
02:37:34,912 --> 02:37:36,680
You know what you need?

2414
02:37:36,747 --> 02:37:40,784
You need lube to slide into Chelsea's DMs.

2415
02:37:41,852 --> 02:37:43,687
You're right, Rock, you're right.

2416
02:37:43,754 --> 02:37:45,456
Her pussy-- Her pussy was recognized.

2417
02:37:45,522 --> 02:37:47,124
She did get that BET award.

2418
02:37:47,191 --> 02:37:49,059
Um, only-- You only get that award though,

2419
02:37:49,126 --> 02:37:52,996
you only get that award
if you fuck 50 Cent, and that's a fact.

2420
02:37:53,063 --> 02:37:55,299
I'm sorry, I read the prompter wrong.

2421
02:37:55,365 --> 02:37:57,468
Nope, is if you fuck 50 niggas.

2422
02:37:57,534 --> 02:38:00,070
You get that award
if you fuck 50 niggas. Sorry, Chelsea.

2423
02:38:00,137 --> 02:38:02,406
That's my bad.

2424
02:38:02,473 --> 02:38:03,640
Draymond Green's here.

2425
02:38:03,707 --> 02:38:06,443
Hey, Draymond.

2426
02:38:06,510 --> 02:38:08,145
Yeah, yeah.

2427
02:38:08,212 --> 02:38:10,581
Well, Draymond's only here
because he's not in the playoffs.

2428
02:38:10,647 --> 02:38:12,049
That's the only reason why he's here.

2429
02:38:12,115 --> 02:38:13,750
Hit him!

2430
02:38:13,817 --> 02:38:15,853
Yeah, head shot.
Fuck you, Draymond.

2431
02:38:19,423 --> 02:38:22,226
Everybody attacked
my fucking sisters tonight.

2432
02:38:22,292 --> 02:38:24,328
A lot of Black women on this stage.

2433
02:38:24,394 --> 02:38:27,431
Sheryl, Lizzo, Regina.

2434
02:38:27,498 --> 02:38:29,433
Teyana came out here.

2435
02:38:29,500 --> 02:38:32,769
What I'm not gonna do is be a Black man
and talk about my fucking sisters

2436
02:38:32,836 --> 02:38:34,905
on this stage live on Netflix

2437
02:38:34,972 --> 02:38:37,107
in front of millions
of fucking people, not me.

2438
02:38:37,174 --> 02:38:38,308
I'm not gonna give you that.

2439
02:38:38,375 --> 02:38:40,644
I'm not gonna give these crackers
that luxury.

2440
02:38:42,679 --> 02:38:44,915
Y'all don't know what these women
have been through.

2441
02:38:44,982 --> 02:38:47,017
None of these women have a fucking man.

2442
02:38:47,084 --> 02:38:48,585
None of them. None of them.

2443
02:38:48,652 --> 02:38:50,354
None of them.

2444
02:38:51,722 --> 02:38:53,924
They're home alone at night

2445
02:38:53,991 --> 02:38:55,926
in their giant mansions,

2446
02:38:55,993 --> 02:38:59,329
eating fucking microwavable Hot Pockets,
watching TV.

2447
02:39:00,564 --> 02:39:04,101
I'm not gonna stand here
in front of all these fucking white people

2448
02:39:04,167 --> 02:39:08,071
and disrespect these lonely bitches.

2449
02:39:11,508 --> 02:39:15,012
I wanna thank my sisters for coming.
I love you, Jean.

2450
02:39:15,078 --> 02:39:18,448
I love you. I love you, Lizzo.
I love you, Sheryl.

2451
02:39:18,515 --> 02:39:20,951
We got a spades game every Tuesday.

2452
02:39:24,288 --> 02:39:26,757
Boy, oh boy, y'all got Katt Williams
to come out here, huh?

2453
02:39:26,823 --> 02:39:28,592
Katt Williams.

2454
02:39:30,861 --> 02:39:33,330
Katt Williams came out here.

2455
02:39:33,397 --> 02:39:35,632
You know, this is the time to,
like, really make everybody realize.

2456
02:39:35,699 --> 02:39:38,201
Everybody has said tonight
that I can't act.

2457
02:39:38,268 --> 02:39:40,304
"Kevin cannot act."

2458
02:39:40,370 --> 02:39:42,105
What I want you to do is go back

2459
02:39:42,172 --> 02:39:44,575
and look at that moment where I shook
Katt's hand and I looked him in the eye

2460
02:39:44,641 --> 02:39:46,443
and I said,
"I just want us to be friends."

2461
02:39:48,145 --> 02:39:52,015
Some of the best fucking acting
that I've ever did in my career.

2462
02:39:52,082 --> 02:39:54,284
I did not mean one word of what I said.

2463
02:39:54,351 --> 02:39:55,919
Fuck Katt Williams.

2464
02:39:55,986 --> 02:39:58,388
Fuck Katt Williams.

2465
02:39:58,455 --> 02:40:01,458
Katt Williams is a motherfucking liar.
He's a liar!

2466
02:40:02,593 --> 02:40:06,296
Y'all been believing
that little nigga's shit for years.

2467
02:40:06,363 --> 02:40:09,967
Katt has lied on me about so much shit.
It's ridiculous, man.

2468
02:40:10,033 --> 02:40:12,202
Y'all only believe it
because he uses words

2469
02:40:12,269 --> 02:40:14,204
that you haven't heard in a long time.

2470
02:40:15,472 --> 02:40:19,710
Words like "restaurant" or "amenities,"
shit like that.

2471
02:40:20,877 --> 02:40:24,247
Katt said that I went to Diddy parties.
"Kev-- Kev been to Diddy parties."

2472
02:40:24,314 --> 02:40:28,151
"Kev always goes to Diddy parties."
I ain't been to no fucking Diddy parties.

2473
02:40:28,218 --> 02:40:29,620
I went to one party,
and this is the truth,

2474
02:40:29,686 --> 02:40:31,188
I went to one fucking party.

2475
02:40:31,254 --> 02:40:33,123
I went to one fucking party, okay?

2476
02:40:33,190 --> 02:40:34,925
And the only reason why
that little nigga know I was there

2477
02:40:34,992 --> 02:40:38,795
is 'cause he was there.
Katt was at the same fucking party.

2478
02:40:38,862 --> 02:40:40,330
I saw him, he saw me.

2479
02:40:40,397 --> 02:40:43,800
He said… Fuck you, nigga, tell the truth.

2480
02:40:43,867 --> 02:40:45,802
Tell the fucking truth, nigga.

2481
02:40:45,869 --> 02:40:47,571
We was at the same fucking party.

2482
02:40:49,973 --> 02:40:52,609
I ain't no snitch, I ain't no snitch,
but a lot of people was there.

2483
02:40:52,676 --> 02:40:55,178
Shaq was there, Usher was there.

2484
02:40:55,245 --> 02:40:58,181
Fucking Shannon Sharpe was there,
he was DJing.

2485
02:40:58,248 --> 02:40:59,249
The Roots were there.

2486
02:40:59,316 --> 02:41:01,551
Y'all didn't do nothing,
but I saw y'all too.

2487
02:41:04,721 --> 02:41:06,990
He's a fucking liar!

2488
02:41:07,057 --> 02:41:08,792
Stop believing this nigga lies!

2489
02:41:09,926 --> 02:41:12,963
Katt told y'all he read
3,000 books a year.

2490
02:41:13,030 --> 02:41:17,567
He said that. He said,
"I read 3,000 books a year."

2491
02:41:17,634 --> 02:41:18,568
All right, well, let's unpack it.

2492
02:41:18,635 --> 02:41:21,538
Let's talk about the books
that you didn't fucking read.

2493
02:41:21,605 --> 02:41:24,107
That's what I want to talk about.
What are the books that you didn't read?

2494
02:41:24,174 --> 02:41:25,042
I'll tell you what it was.

2495
02:41:25,108 --> 02:41:27,544
He obviously didn't read
his probation paperwork.

2496
02:41:27,611 --> 02:41:30,981
I'll tell you that.
That nigga didn't read that.

2497
02:41:31,048 --> 02:41:34,084
He didn't read, he didn't…

2498
02:41:34,151 --> 02:41:35,986
He didn't read--
He didn't read the room

2499
02:41:36,053 --> 02:41:37,988
when that little 12-year-old
choked him the fuck out.

2500
02:41:38,055 --> 02:41:40,724
I'll tell you that.

2501
02:41:42,292 --> 02:41:44,094
I don't give a fuck how bad
things get in my life.

2502
02:41:44,161 --> 02:41:46,563
I ain't never been choked out
by no fucking kid.

2503
02:41:48,699 --> 02:41:51,435
You know it's bad when you start
asking people where his parents at.

2504
02:41:51,501 --> 02:41:52,969
"Whose kid is this?"

2505
02:41:54,504 --> 02:41:56,940
I don't know nigga, you lost.
You fucking lost.

2506
02:41:58,375 --> 02:42:00,043
"Why was he there?"

2507
02:42:02,813 --> 02:42:05,082
Katt Williams came out here
in a goddamn cape.

2508
02:42:07,117 --> 02:42:10,053
I've never seen Katt in a regular suit,
not one time.

2509
02:42:10,120 --> 02:42:11,855
I've never seen it.

2510
02:42:11,922 --> 02:42:13,557
Only time I've seen him
in a suit was a lawsuit.

2511
02:42:13,623 --> 02:42:16,293
That's the only time I've seen Katt
in a fucking suit.

2512
02:42:16,359 --> 02:42:19,129
A double-breasted lawsuit.
That nigga got a bunch of cases.

2513
02:42:19,196 --> 02:42:23,400
Katt said tonight that I took
all his movies that he turned down.

2514
02:42:23,467 --> 02:42:25,469
He said that. He fucking said that.

2515
02:42:25,535 --> 02:42:29,139
You sat there and laughed at it.
"Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!"

2516
02:42:29,206 --> 02:42:31,374
This must be the fucking truth.
All right, well, let's unpack it.

2517
02:42:31,441 --> 02:42:32,709
Let's unpack it.

2518
02:42:33,744 --> 02:42:36,279
Katt said, I turned down all his roles.
Okay, well, let's talk about it, Katt.

2519
02:42:36,346 --> 02:42:38,315
So you're telling me-- you're telling me
that you turned down

2520
02:42:38,381 --> 02:42:41,618
Jumanji 1, 2, 3,
Ride Along 1, 2, Central Intelligence,

2521
02:42:41,685 --> 02:42:43,787
Think Like a Man 1, 2,
The Upside, About Last Night,

2522
02:42:43,854 --> 02:42:46,723
40-Year-Old Virgin, High School,
Night School, Me Time,

2523
02:42:46,790 --> 02:42:48,358
Borderlands, Man from Toronto,

2524
02:42:48,425 --> 02:42:50,293
all…

2525
02:42:50,360 --> 02:42:52,362
…so you could do a cameo in Norbit?

2526
02:42:52,429 --> 02:42:54,698
Is that what the fuck
you're telling me, Katt?

2527
02:42:56,600 --> 02:42:59,035
Katt, you can't be in my fucking movies.

2528
02:42:59,102 --> 02:43:01,605
You think they want
a fucking pimp in Jumanji?

2529
02:43:01,671 --> 02:43:04,074
Is that what the fuck you think we need?

2530
02:43:04,141 --> 02:43:08,411
Ain't no hoes in Jumanji.
What the fuck is Katt doing in Jumanji?

2531
02:43:08,478 --> 02:43:10,046
Hey bitch, get out the tree.

2532
02:43:10,113 --> 02:43:13,283
What the fuck? We don't need that.

2533
02:43:13,350 --> 02:43:15,752
The fuck are you doing?

2534
02:43:15,819 --> 02:43:17,487
It's the big leagues up here.

2535
02:43:20,524 --> 02:43:22,425
I gotta stop. I gotta stop.

2536
02:43:22,492 --> 02:43:24,928
I gotta stop on Katt because it's not good
for all these white people

2537
02:43:24,995 --> 02:43:27,197
to see two Black people fighting.

2538
02:43:27,264 --> 02:43:28,832
Two little niggas fighting.

2539
02:43:31,368 --> 02:43:32,903
We're too small
to have the beef that we had.

2540
02:43:32,969 --> 02:43:34,704
So, Katt, it's over.

2541
02:43:34,771 --> 02:43:36,306
The beef is over between me and Katt.

2542
02:43:36,373 --> 02:43:38,175
And on a serious note, I love the fact

2543
02:43:38,241 --> 02:43:40,076
that that man showed up tonight
and he showed out.

2544
02:43:40,143 --> 02:43:41,711
Katt showed the fuck out.

2545
02:43:45,515 --> 02:43:47,617
I love that. I love that he shined, man.

2546
02:43:47,684 --> 02:43:49,586
I love that we were able
to look each other in the eyes,

2547
02:43:49,653 --> 02:43:51,154
shake each other's hands.

2548
02:43:51,221 --> 02:43:52,722
And I meant what I said. I did.

2549
02:43:52,789 --> 02:43:55,659
I really did.
I meant what the fuck I said, man.

2550
02:43:55,725 --> 02:43:56,593
That beef is over.

2551
02:43:56,660 --> 02:43:59,896
Me and Kat are friends
from today moving forward, okay?

2552
02:43:59,963 --> 02:44:01,498
We're friends from today moving forward.

2553
02:44:03,867 --> 02:44:05,569
I just want to do a quick check. Uh…

2554
02:44:05,635 --> 02:44:07,938
Lizzo, blood sugar check. You okay?

2555
02:44:10,273 --> 02:44:12,342
Are your feet swelled up? You okay?

2556
02:44:12,409 --> 02:44:14,544
-They are, but it's okay.
-You want a Snickers? All right.

2557
02:44:16,112 --> 02:44:19,182
Uh, Pete Davidson is here,
ladies and gentlemen.

2558
02:44:19,249 --> 02:44:20,116
Pete Davidson is here.

2559
02:44:23,553 --> 02:44:25,455
Pete, the fucking thing about roasting you
is bad because I like you.

2560
02:44:25,522 --> 02:44:27,290
Me and you actually get along,
so it's tough to roast you.

2561
02:44:27,357 --> 02:44:29,226
I don't really have a roast.
I just have questions.

2562
02:44:31,194 --> 02:44:32,128
It's not even a question.

2563
02:44:32,195 --> 02:44:34,731
It's like, "Oh, I'm happy
to see Pete outside."

2564
02:44:34,798 --> 02:44:37,400
You never see Pete during the daytime.
Pete is weird.

2565
02:44:38,735 --> 02:44:41,771
Scared of the sunlight.

2566
02:44:45,642 --> 02:44:48,211
I feel like Pete wants to be Black,
but he don't want to say it.

2567
02:44:50,280 --> 02:44:52,549
He does. He's done a lot of Black shit.

2568
02:44:52,616 --> 02:44:54,351
Pete, let's see, let's break it down.

2569
02:44:54,417 --> 02:44:56,953
He's got a child out of wedlock. Uh…

2570
02:44:57,020 --> 02:44:58,221
He dated Kim Kardashian.

2571
02:44:58,288 --> 02:45:00,724
He grew up without knowing his father.

2572
02:45:01,791 --> 02:45:03,660
I mean, Pete,
if you wanna be Black so bad,

2573
02:45:03,727 --> 02:45:07,063
just fuck Chelsea Handler
and don't call her in the morning.

2574
02:45:08,565 --> 02:45:11,101
You can-- You can get away with it, Pete.

2575
02:45:13,336 --> 02:45:16,740
Jesus, Pete fucks. I mean, Pete fucks.

2576
02:45:17,874 --> 02:45:19,609
You fuck, Pete.

2577
02:45:19,676 --> 02:45:22,679
Fuck you. That's it. That's enough.

2578
02:45:22,746 --> 02:45:24,281
Edit that out, what Pete just said.

2579
02:45:25,715 --> 02:45:27,951
I want to go to Jeff Ross.

2580
02:45:28,018 --> 02:45:30,654
Jeff Ross is here. Jeff Ross actually…

2581
02:45:30,720 --> 02:45:33,056
He went to the bathroom. Shocker. Uh…

2582
02:45:35,125 --> 02:45:37,494
Shocker, Jeff Ross has a bladder problem,

2583
02:45:37,560 --> 02:45:40,730
that couldn't sit through the show.

2584
02:45:40,797 --> 02:45:43,166
Jeff Ross actually, uh, he beat cancer.

2585
02:45:44,234 --> 02:45:45,902
Yeah.

2586
02:45:45,969 --> 02:45:47,437
Yeah.

2587
02:45:47,504 --> 02:45:49,272
Um…

2588
02:45:49,339 --> 02:45:50,907
I don't believe it. I don't believe it.

2589
02:45:52,309 --> 02:45:54,244
I don't believe that Jeff beat cancer.

2590
02:45:54,311 --> 02:45:56,513
I think the cancer just left. I do.

2591
02:45:58,982 --> 02:46:02,018
I also-- I also think
Jeff looked better with cancer.

2592
02:46:02,085 --> 02:46:05,221
I don't think-- I think he looks worse
without the cancer.

2593
02:46:05,288 --> 02:46:07,290
This is the one time
where I would ask somebody,

2594
02:46:07,357 --> 02:46:08,858
can you get the cancer back?

2595
02:46:08,925 --> 02:46:12,028
Like, can we put it back, Jeff?

2596
02:46:13,596 --> 02:46:15,131
Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

2597
02:46:15,198 --> 02:46:16,399
Tony, what a set tonight.

2598
02:46:18,068 --> 02:46:20,136
Tony, you fuckin' crushed tonight.

2599
02:46:20,203 --> 02:46:22,005
Everybody thinks Tony's gay, too.

2600
02:46:22,072 --> 02:46:26,176
Stop it. Stop the gay stuff with Tony.
Tony's not gay.

2601
02:46:26,242 --> 02:46:28,712
Tony is not gay!

2602
02:46:30,146 --> 02:46:32,983
Tony just likes suckin' dick.

2603
02:46:33,049 --> 02:46:34,751
It's a big difference.

2604
02:46:34,818 --> 02:46:36,920
I mean, look at that smile on Tony.

2605
02:46:36,987 --> 02:46:40,657
That's proof that Joe Rogan
likes a snaggletooth blowjob. Just…

2606
02:46:42,826 --> 02:46:44,527
Tony's really not gay, though, man.

2607
02:46:44,594 --> 02:46:47,897
Like, he just fuck--
Oh, Jesus, Jeff. Goddamn.

2608
02:46:47,964 --> 02:46:49,699
Out the corner of my eye,
it looked like the Kool-Aid man

2609
02:46:49,766 --> 02:46:51,034
just came out the set.

2610
02:46:51,101 --> 02:46:52,102
Jesus Christ.

2611
02:46:53,470 --> 02:46:56,206
-I mean, what the fuck was that?
-I love it.

2612
02:46:56,272 --> 02:46:59,242
The fact that you thought you were
sneaking just now, Jeff.

2613
02:47:00,276 --> 02:47:04,047
I've never heard leather pants
make more noise in my life.

2614
02:47:07,250 --> 02:47:08,251
Fuck.

2615
02:47:11,254 --> 02:47:12,956
I just don't know
where Jeff is getting the money

2616
02:47:13,023 --> 02:47:14,557
to fucking do the things he does.

2617
02:47:14,624 --> 02:47:16,726
Like, I really don't.
Jeff, zip the jacket up.

2618
02:47:16,793 --> 02:47:18,928
Your fucking nipples out is nasty.

2619
02:47:21,865 --> 02:47:22,966
Je--

2620
02:47:23,033 --> 02:47:26,302
Jeff looks like an insect
that you study in biology.

2621
02:47:26,369 --> 02:47:29,205
"So what did you-- So I got a what?"

2622
02:47:29,272 --> 02:47:30,673
"The heart is where?"

2623
02:47:32,042 --> 02:47:34,377
At this time, I just want to say,
I'm sorry, Walmart,

2624
02:47:34,444 --> 02:47:36,746
you're doing amazing things,
rolling back prices.

2625
02:47:36,813 --> 02:47:40,116
Keep it going.

2626
02:47:44,621 --> 02:47:49,359
You know, guys, in this night,
I wanna say some people have shined.

2627
02:47:49,426 --> 02:47:50,593
Honestly.

2628
02:47:50,660 --> 02:47:53,663
Na’im, I'm so proud of you, brother.

2629
02:47:53,730 --> 02:47:56,332
You came up here, you did what
the fuck you was supposed to do.

2630
02:47:56,399 --> 02:48:00,236
And I just wanna say that I'm extremely…
I'm extremely richer

2631
02:48:00,303 --> 02:48:02,405
than everybody that you see
on this stage.

2632
02:48:03,406 --> 02:48:06,176
And my biggest fear is waking up one day

2633
02:48:06,242 --> 02:48:07,844
with any of these bitches' bank accounts.

2634
02:48:07,911 --> 02:48:10,246
I don't know how I would live.

2635
02:48:10,313 --> 02:48:13,716
I don't know how I would survive.
My kids, what would we do?

2636
02:48:13,783 --> 02:48:16,820
I mean, DJ, you got money,
but after you have to spend it

2637
02:48:16,886 --> 02:48:19,589
on the AIDS medicine, I just don't
know how much you'll have left.

2638
02:48:21,124 --> 02:48:22,759
You guys wanted
the real nigga up here tonight,

2639
02:48:22,826 --> 02:48:25,028
and that's exactly what you got.

2640
02:48:25,095 --> 02:48:29,699
So I'm gonna leave this stage
in true real nigga fashion.

2641
02:48:29,766 --> 02:48:31,468
That's by showing off.

2642
02:48:31,534 --> 02:48:33,436
I want to give a shout
out to all my partners,

2643
02:48:33,503 --> 02:48:34,804
all of my ecosystem,

2644
02:48:34,871 --> 02:48:37,207
the people that make
the world of Kevin Hart go around.

2645
02:48:37,273 --> 02:48:39,275
Authentic Brands Group, I love you.

2646
02:48:39,342 --> 02:48:40,710
Burn Boot Camp, I love you.

2647
02:48:40,777 --> 02:48:42,078
C4 Energy, I love you.

2648
02:48:42,145 --> 02:48:46,316
DraftKings, Fabletics,
Gran Coramino Tequila, Heartbeat,

2649
02:48:46,382 --> 02:48:51,121
JPMorgan Chase, Michelob,
NBC Universal, Qatar Airways,

2650
02:48:51,187 --> 02:48:55,959
SharkNinja, SiriusXM,
Sony, Swag Golf, Taco Bell, Verizon,

2651
02:48:56,025 --> 02:48:59,863
Vita Hustle, and of course,
my partners here at Netflix.

2652
02:48:59,929 --> 02:49:02,799
These are words that you will never say
because you guys are losers.

2653
02:49:04,400 --> 02:49:07,170
See, guys, I'm just
a little kid from Philadelphia,

2654
02:49:07,237 --> 02:49:08,972
and I prayed for nights like this.

2655
02:49:09,038 --> 02:49:10,306
And what I want you guys to know is this.

2656
02:49:10,373 --> 02:49:13,276
If I don't celebrate myself,
then who else will?

2657
02:49:13,343 --> 02:49:15,912
At the end of the day,
I'm proud of myself.

2658
02:49:15,979 --> 02:49:18,114
And what you've been smelling all night
is me because I'm the shit.

2659
02:49:18,181 --> 02:49:21,084
And at the end of the day,
I'm him, and he is me,

2660
02:49:21,151 --> 02:49:22,719
and together we make we.

2661
02:49:23,720 --> 02:49:25,889
Philadelphia, you should stand up.

2662
02:49:25,955 --> 02:49:27,490
Happy Mother's Day.

2663
02:49:27,557 --> 02:49:29,259
Eniko, I love you.

2664
02:49:29,325 --> 02:49:32,162
And motherfucker, I'm off. Let's go!

2665
02:49:32,228 --> 02:49:33,730
I say, hold on, wait a minute.

2666
02:49:33,897 --> 02:49:35,298
Y'all thought I was finished?

2667
02:49:35,398 --> 02:49:37,834
When I bought that Aston Martin
Y'all thought it was rented?

2668
02:49:37,901 --> 02:49:40,670
Flexin' on these niggas
I'm like Popeye on his…

2669
02:49:40,737 --> 02:49:43,573
Double M, yeah, that's my team,
Rozay the captain, I'm lieu--

2670
02:49:43,640 --> 02:49:46,376
I'm the type to count a million cash
Then grind like I'm broke

2671
02:49:46,442 --> 02:49:49,379
That Lambo, my new bitch
She don't ride like my…

2672
02:49:49,445 --> 02:49:52,081
I'm ridin' around my city
With my hand strapped to my toes

2673
02:49:52,182 --> 02:49:54,751
'Cause these niggas want me dead
And I gotta make it back

2674
02:49:54,817 --> 02:49:57,754
'Cause my mama need that bill money
My son need some

2675
02:49:58,788 --> 02:50:00,490
These niggas tryna take my life
They fuck around, get…

2676
02:50:00,557 --> 02:50:03,393
You fuck around, you fuck around
You fuck around, get smoked

2677
02:50:03,459 --> 02:50:05,795
'Cause these Philly niggas
I brought with me don't fuck around

2678
02:50:06,629 --> 02:50:09,065
All I know is murder
When it come to me

2679
02:50:09,132 --> 02:50:11,901
I got young niggas that's rollin'
I got niggas throwin'

2680
02:50:11,968 --> 02:50:14,737
I done did the DOA's,
I done did the KOD's

2681
02:50:14,804 --> 02:50:16,706
Every time I'm in that bitch
I get to…

2682
02:50:17,607 --> 02:50:20,410
But now I'm hangin' out that drop head
I'm ridin' down on Collins

2683
02:50:20,543 --> 02:50:23,346
They let my nigga Ern back home
That young nigga be wildin'

2684
02:50:23,446 --> 02:50:26,082
We young niggas, we mobbin'
Like Batman and we're…

2685
02:50:26,149 --> 02:50:29,052
In this two-door Maybach
With my seat all reclinin'

2686
02:50:29,118 --> 02:50:31,688
I say, "Real nigga, what up?
Real nigga, what up?"

2687
02:50:31,754 --> 02:50:34,490
If you ain't about that murder game,
then pussy nigga, shut up

2688
02:50:41,931 --> 02:50:45,068
Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up,
hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up

2689
02:50:45,935 --> 02:50:46,903
Hey!

2690
02:50:47,437 --> 02:50:48,871
Hey! Hey!

2691
02:50:48,938 --> 02:50:51,708
'Cause my mama need that bill money
My son need some milk

2692
02:50:51,774 --> 02:50:54,344
These niggas want me dead
But they fuck around, get killed

2693
02:50:54,410 --> 02:50:55,778
You fuck around, you--

2694
02:50:56,879 --> 02:50:58,881
You gonna remember me

2695
02:50:58,948 --> 02:50:59,816
They gon' remember me

2696
02:50:59,882 --> 02:51:02,585
So much money
Have yo' friends turn in yo' enemies

2697
02:51:02,652 --> 02:51:04,787
And when there's beef
I turn my enemies to--

2698
02:51:05,755 --> 02:51:08,291
With them bricks they go for 40
Ain't no 10 a key

2699
02:51:08,358 --> 02:51:11,261
Hold up, broke nigga turned rich
Love the game like Mitch

2700
02:51:11,327 --> 02:51:14,197
And if I leave, you think them pretty
Hoes gon' still suck my…

2701
02:51:14,264 --> 02:51:17,467
It was somethin' about that Rollie
When it first touched that…

2702
02:51:17,533 --> 02:51:19,836
Had me feelin' like that dope boy
When he first touched that brick

2703
02:51:19,902 --> 02:51:20,970
I'm gone

2704
02:51:21,037 --> 02:51:22,538
Philadelphia.

2705
02:51:23,973 --> 02:51:25,408
Stand up!

2706
02:51:25,475 --> 02:51:28,111
Meek Mill! The Roots!

2707
02:51:28,177 --> 02:51:29,679
Shane Gillis!

2708
02:51:29,746 --> 02:51:31,648
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson!

2709
02:51:31,714 --> 02:51:34,350
Bitch! I'm Kevin Hart,

2710
02:51:34,417 --> 02:51:36,552
and you will remember me. I'm gone.