[J.D.] One thing that hasn't changed in teaching hospitals,
burnout still comes for all the interns.
I'm sorry you incurred a small scar during surgery,
but I'd like to remind you you're alive.
- [Dashana] You're welcome. - Dr. Green. Happy Friday.
- Have you got any plans for the weekend? - I do, but you know who doesn't?
Your patient in 402.
She's very dead. Sign here.
You're a dream.
I have to choose between rectal pain, constipation, and a penis?
I haven't seen the top half of a person in weeks.
It's one of the worst things about this job unless you're Winston.
- He's definitely going into proctology. - Yeah.
Hey, guys, gather round.
Time to pick them all up.
Look, y'all, this job is very hard,
but just remember: "Difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations."
Did you get that from a greeting card?
No, Dashana.
I got it from those little lady chocolates
with inspirational messages on the wrapper.
Fire off another gem.
Guys, "be the woman you know is inside of you."
Think about it.
Wow, you have shockingly smooth hands.
Oh, I wish I could say I was born with these,
but it's most likely my moisturizing gloves. You want them?
You know what? Just... You take them. Save me from myself.
[chuckles] You're welcome.
Dude, what in the actual heck? That girl was smoking.
She was speaking to you.
I-I-I didn't even notice. What's wrong with me?
It's the lady candies, bro. They're messing with your testosterone.
They make me feel fierce and independent.
Give me that. Now you listen to me.
I love you, but I can't get any more 3:00 a.m. texts
about how lonely you are.
I'm a you fan and a Bulls fan.
You're both in slumps, and I need one of y'all to win.
Hey, you're shoplifting.
- I am not. - Yes!
[J.D.] Blowing my chance with the girl of my dreams put me in a funk,
but Maintenance Guy and I had a great ritual when no one was around.
- Be strong. - You be strong.
- We got this. - We got this.
Where the hell have you been?
Good morning, Jordan.
Ever since Cox got diagnosed, Jordan has been all over me.
You know you can't keep us waiting.
For God's sake, Jordan's scales almost dried out.
I'll allow that 'cause you're sick.
It's his mom's fault.
She was genetically weak too.
I have Viking blood.
Oh, that must be nice for pillaging and whatnot.
So come on, be useful. How's he doing?
Save your breath. I'm super. We're done.
Ah, Perry, you know very well that I have to get some blood work on you
and check your sed rate and CRP.
- I also need to do a quick physical exam. - Oh.
Do what I do.
When you touch him, picture Jamie, my personal trainer.
It makes it way more tolerable.
Take your clothes off.
And I'd like to see that picture of Jamie.
You okay, Ash?
Uh, I lost a patient.
I'm sorry.
And Amara put me into the zone of friends.
[J.D.] The friend zone.
Asher, my boy, I've been there.
It'll turn around.
Knowing Asher got kicked in his emotional testicles
made me happy I wasn't an intern.
I'm so glad all my old problems are behind me.
Good day, sir.
Janitor?
- Miss me? - In a suit.
It's Janitor by Janitor.
[scats]
♪ I can't do this all on my own ♪
♪ No, I know I'm no Superman ♪
♪ I'm no Superman ♪
Wow, 30 years.
It's actually only been 17.
Well, then you have aged rather poorly.
Why are you here?
You know what? It doesn't matter.
I'm the Chief of Medicine now. You have no power over me.
Oh, but I do.
See, you're not the only chief around here.
You happen to be looking at the Chief Custodian of the Joint Commission.
You're on the Joint Commission?
So you've heard of us.
I'm gonna inspect the whole place.
I'll be in your office.
I changed the locks.
I changed them back.
Mr. Jensen was at his daughter's rehearsal dinner.
- Aw. - Not finished.
When he puked and passed out.
And I take back my "Aw."
He's gonna be okay, right? The wedding's tomorrow.
Sweet girl, I wouldn't miss that wedding for anything.
My dad missed my wedding because his college swim team had a reunion.
Had to get my most masculine aunt to walk me down the aisle.
I know an ayahuasca shaman who could maybe make a dent in some of that trauma.
Mmm. Yesterday, I heard my shrink mumble, "Jesus," so yeah,
- I should probably try that. - Yeah.
[chattering]
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby.
That's J.D.'s girl. That's J.D.'s girl.
So, you gonna wingman for your boy?
Hold up. You want me to holler at another woman?
- That sounds like a trap. - It's not a trap.
Look, J.D. is at our house way too much.
It's like a fifth daughter.
You know what? You're absolutely right, baby.
And if you want me to dust off my little player's handbook,
and charm this woman into sleeping with me,
I'ma do that for us.
That is not what I said.
Hey, ma.
I'ma keep it real with you, shorty. You fine.
And I saw you trying to get chocolate at the gift shop and I was like,
"Damn, she got it like that and she like chocolate."
How about you hook a brother up and drop those digits into my Sidekick?
What's good?
You're really gonna come at me with that?
That tired early 2000s, "Hey, ma, shorty this, shorty that" nonsense?
- [Turk] I... I was just-- - Let me guess, you had a lame-ass flattop.
My flattop was awesome.
Bet you can't grow one now.
[gasps]
I lost all my game, baby. It's like my flavor expired.
I know, it's adorable.
[J.D.] It was her. I knew what I had to do, although I am a bit rusty.
Wait, Turk taught me what to say.
Hey, shorty, you fine.
Let me holler at you.
Wait. Is it "holler" or "challah"?
What are you doing?
I'm practicing things to say, so hopefully I can meet a new woman again.
Oh, I think I can speak for all women when I say maybe try dudes.
- Can I help you with something? - Actually, you can.
I don't think Perry respects you as a doctor.
You know, he's refusing any of the blood tests you ordered.
Why? It's just a little prick, and it lasts two minutes.
Aw, is that why Elliot left you?
Goodbye.
Hey, Jordan, long time no see.
I know, and I'm so grateful.
Will you accept the still-mean-and-hot five?
I will.
[sighs] Look at that.
Hopeless, overwhelmed by death, each one of them with the slouched,
defeated posture of intern burnout.
My money's on TikTok Doc to snap first.
- Oh, my God, what is wrong with you? - You're right.
Fairy Potter's about seconds away from dropping out of Hogwarts.
Look, I almost called it when I was an intern.
Dr. Kelso used to leave business cards in my locker
for strip clubs he thought could use a "crying blonde."
[chuckles]
So I'm not gonna bet against these kids. I'm going to help them.
[Kevin] Good luck with that.
[scoffs]
Look, you guys, I know it's been a really crappy day,
but I want to try and get a dad to his daughter's wedding. Who's in?
[all muttering]
Okay, how's this?
You have to help.
Should have been a stripper.
Tried it, not as fun as it sounds.
What is going on?
Do you not respect me as a doctor?
I've been trying to tell you that for 20 years,
and you finally get it.
I am so very proud of you.
What the hell, man?
Why didn't you get those tests?
I'm going to let you in on a little something.
If you tap on the wall back there,
you will find Kelso's secret stash of porn from the '30s.
Have you ever watched a naughty movie set to old-timey piano music?
[♪ piano plays]
[J.D.] Nope.
Quit being a pain in the ass and tell me what is going on.
Fine. I think the treatment is working, and I feel okay right now.
If I go ahead and get these tests,
and they tell me something different,
that all goes away.
Listen to me.
I truly believe that going into these things
with a positive headspace makes a complete difference.
You're the one who taught me this,
so you need to turn your whole attitude around
and go get those tests,
and you do respect me as a doctor.
Okay.
Okay to everything I said?
The attitude and the test thing.
If I started to respect you, I'd have to go ahead
and have them drain all the blood out of me because dementia will have set in.
This has been a lovely patient-doctor conference.
[whistles] Out of my office.
It's actually my office, but we'll save that fight for another time.
Get out!
Oh, boy, it's 2000s guy.
I'm sorry, I know my husband came off a little creepy earlier.
- He tried to pick me up. - If I was trying to pick you up,
- you would've got picked. - Calm down.
Okay.
Look, we think you're so lovely, and--
Let me stop you, okay?
No judgment on your lifestyle, but I'm pretty traditional.
I'm really just looking for a nice, sensitive guy
who would rather watch a musical than a football game.
- [gasps] You are. - Oh, my God, you're perfect.
Can't you just please come upstairs with us?
It'll only take a couple of minutes.
I'm gonna walk away, and if you follow me, I'm going to yell, "Stranger danger."
And I'm short enough where people think I'm a child all the time.
[sighs] Looks like we're gonna have to find another hot lady to have sex with us.
Are you out of your damn mind?
Okay, team, what's our goal?
To get Mr. Jensen to the wedding. Whoo!
Oh. Can I get some whoos from the rest of you?
- D-train does the whoos for the group. - Whoo!
Fine. He has a possible bowel obstruction. What do we need to do?
Get him to mobilize his intestines on his own?
Correct. And when will we know if that happens?
When he, as you all say, passes gas.
Everything comes down to poo and toots.
Blake, Tosh, get him on neostigmine.
Asher, get a stat CT.
Amara, Dashana, drop an NG tube.
We have got this.
[all] Whoo.
Aw. Feeling left out?
You shouldn't have established yourself as the mean one.
Now you don't get to kiki in the group chat.
Yeah, I think you're the biggest bitch in the building.
Sweetie, I may be bitchy, but I love those children. Watch this.
Tosh, your hair is trash today. Go fix yourself in the mirror, honey.
You look like you've spent the night on all fours.
Okay, vibes.
- I wish. Clock it. [laughs] - Clock it, baby.
You've got all that IQ, and you're still too stupid to see you're plain old mean.
Now watch me walk.
Don't panic. I found a bomb.
That's a toaster.
I know it's a toaster.
Could I turn it into an exploding toaster?
Yes, have done many a time.
- Why? - Mostly to avoid paying debt.
Look, in a hospital with compressed oxygen,
this is basically a bomb.
You want to pass your inspection next month, don't you?
- Yes. - Okay.
Get rid of all those open containers,
and cutting down on rats by 10% always helps.
You know what? I don't believe you're on the Joint Commission for one second,
so let's give them a ring.
Oh, no, I'm caught.
- [phone ringing] - Hold that, I have to take this.
Hello, Joint Commission, please listen closely as our menu has changed.
For movie times, press one.
For two, press five.
[sighs]
Hey, don't you walk away from me.
I care about this place.
Blonde doctor, bald doctor.
Todd, didn't like him.
So we decompressed him.
We gave him meds to stimulate peristalsis.
Now we wait for what? Tosh.
[British accent] We wait for him to toot.
[normal voice] Was that good?
- It was absolutely horrible. - [Dubois] Oh. Dr. Reid.
- [gasps] Okay. - So there's no obstruction.
[J.D.] Finally, something I hadn't seen on my interns' faces in a long time,
a little joy.
- [monitor beeping] - Wait, what's happening?
Complete heart block.
- Set up a transvenous pacing wire. - [daughter] Dad?
[J.D.] But it never seems to last around here.
[♪ "Way I Go" plays]
♪ Feel heavily ♪
♪ No gravity ♪
[phone beeps]
[J.D.] These test results didn't help.
[chuckling] You know what, oldie? You were right.
I dialed in the positive thinking, got off my ass, even found the energy
to go kick in the glass of that vending machine
when it wouldn't give me my SunChips.
So I'm back, baby.
Go ahead, give me the good news.
Perry, unfortunately, your test results weren't what we were hoping for.
I'm not sure why...
but the treatment isn't working.
I'll be damned.
[♪ song ends]
Morning. [sighs] You get your test results back?
- Not yet. - Why not? It's been a day.
- What's happening here? - Just making breakfast.
Jesus, Perry.
Little cream, please.
- Hair of the dog. - Wow.
[J.D.] I wasn't really awake yet, so I had no idea
what Dr. Cox meant when he texted me, "Tell her nothing."
- [thuds] - Good morning, sunshine.
[J.D.] Now I get it.
Oh. I knew I wouldn't be interrupting you with a sexually satisfied woman
of any kind, so I jimmied your door open.
And now I got to hire a man who knows how to use tools to fix that.
If you're the Chief of Medicine,
how come you haven't gotten Perry's test results back?
[J.D.] Lie, but make it believable.
I'm afraid of confronting people.
Too real.
You should change your pronouns.
Why don't you grow a pair?
Get dressed. You got to drive me home. I Ubered here
because I'm still a little buzzy from my morning coffee.
[slurps]
The stress that the bowel obstruction put on your body
uncovered a heart condition that luckily is very treatable.
That's the good news.
Dr. Turk.
You really gonna make me do the bad news?
[Elliot] Just shut up and do it, Turk.
I know it's your daughter's wedding day, but that pacemaker needs to go in today.
I want you to go ahead with your wedding.
No, we'll postpone.
We'll give you two a minute.
[Elliot sighs]
You guys did a great job treating Mr. Jensen, so I want a whoo.
- I'm not feeling it. - [Turk] D-train, come on.
Whoo.
Yeah, totally not worth it.
Sometimes, I hate this place.
- Sometimes, I do too. - [Turk] Hmm.
Sorry you guys couldn't get your patient to the wedding.
- And? - And nothing.
I'm being nice.
Wait a second. Why can't we just have the wedding here?
I'm not taking him to the OR for a few hours.
Have the wedding in this hospital?
That's disgusting.
We got married in this hospital, Kevin.
Oh, well, then it's beautiful.
If you guys need any help, just let me know.
You know what? If this is what being nice is like,
then I'm going back to being a bitch.
Hey, why doesn't Jordan know about your test results?
Same reason I watched the Michael Jordan documentary
eight minutes at a time on the toilet.
So she never sees me tear up.
Turk did the exact same thing, but I could hear him whimpering.
I need to be strong and invulnerable for her,
and you should understand that.
It's the same thing you always wanted me to be for you,
and while I resent you for it,
I don't mind when she does it because, on occasion,
she lets me have sex with her.
Do you know what's better than sex?
Emotional intimacy.
Would you like to say that again out loud?
- No, I don't like the way it came out. - So look it.
Next time you see us, just go ahead and act like you're saying this
for the first time and I'll be prepared to be strong.
I will not lie.
But I will perform.
While I ruminated about getting into character,
I took solace in the fact that the interns had finally gotten a win.
And by the power vested in me by a very progressive online church...
- [all chuckle] - ...I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss your bride.
[J.D.] It's easy to get used to the feeling that the hospital is a place
where only bad things happen.
So if you can make something beautiful happen there...
Well, it really makes a difference.
Good job.
Elliot had shown them how to find light in the darkness.
[shutter clicking]
[Amara] Smile!
[J.D.] As fun as this was, it was time to perform.
The numbers aren't what we hoped for. I'm sorry.
- [sighs] - Perry.
Now, Jordan, honey, I can always tell when you're getting emotional, and don't.
[chuckles] I'm all good.
Even as a patient, you teach me how to be a better doctor.
Nailed it.
You are welcome. The fight starts today.
Here we go, Jordan.
Wait.
My BS detector is beeping louder than when you say you like to hear my dreams.
- He's mean to me in my dreams. - Same.
So you guys knew about this the whole time?
Twelve summers at theater camp, and that's the best you can do?
- I mostly did costumes. - What the hell, Perry?
I'm-I'm sorry, I just...
I love the way you see me, and I didn't want to lose that.
If it helps, I've always seen you as a whiny baby man.
[sighs]
Why don't you let me be the strong one for once?
[smacks lips] Okay.
If you stare at us any longer, we're gonna have to start charging you.
I just want what you guys have.
It'll never happen.
- You don't have the pain threshold. - Mm-mmm.
[J.D.] Doesn't matter. Nothing can kill my mood.
Oh, hey, this is a different toaster that I got for you as a gift.
Don't plug it in here.
- Wait till you get home. - No, thank you.
Well, I'll just put it under your car.
[J.D.] Run away. Any room.
I have a patient to see.
- "Couple of..." - Hello.
Hello. Hi. It's you.
- Hi, I'm, uh, uh... - Charlie. [chuckles]
- J.D., very nice to meet you. Officially. - Nice to meet you. [chuckles]
Uh. Oh, right, Grandma,
remember the cute guy I told you about that stole my lady candy?
[J.D.] Okay, time to challah at her.
Hey, if you're free later, how do you feel
about maybe being my plus-one to a complete stranger's wedding reception?
[♪ "I Melt With You (7" Mix)" plays]
I think I'm starting to remember what fun is.
The second from the right.
I'd love to be her bad decision for the evening.
[groans] The second from the right's been eyeing me since the ceremony.
No.
Take notes.
- She just took your girl. - [Blake] Hmm.
Come on, let's dance.
Two pints of the Penny's pale ale, please.
- How about you? Do you want to dance? - I don't really dance.
Cool.
What? [chuckles] Blame that on the alcohol.
- Our drinks haven't arrived yet. - Shiggidy.
Uh. Okay.
I really like you.
I have since day one.
I just think you're really sweet and funny,
and I think you deserve someone who also thinks that,
and that's this lady. [chuckles]
- Photo booth? - Photo booth. [chuckles]
[♪ "Wake Me Up (Radio Edit)" plays]
Oh, just a heads up, my ex is here, but we're super close.
It won't be awkward.
- Wow, she's beautiful. - Yeah.
What was she like in bed?
- Seriously? [chuckles] - It was a joke.
Oh, my God, you are wound so tight.
I'm getting you a drink. What do you want?
[J.D.] Don't say appletini.
A man beer, please.
- That was smooth. - Yeah.
- You want me to sneak you an appletini? - I was just about to text you.
A little alcohol really does loosen some people up.
[guests cheering, whistling]
Turk needs to go to his gym.
[♪ "Sweet Thing" plays]
[J.D.] That's the thing about our world.
No matter how hard it gets, we're here for each other.
We pick each other up, cry with each other.
We even make some bad decisions.
Even though I was only pretending to like
what tasted like the urine of a large bear,
my smile was real.
[phone beeps]
And of course, if someone in the family is struggling, we're there.
I-I have to go check on a patient.
It's kind of important. Can I call you later?
Oh, you think I'm going to be turned on because you have to go save a life?
Well, you're right. [chuckles]
- Call me later. - I will call you later.
Don't meet anyone.
[laughs]
[J.D.] Dr. Cox had asked me to come back to Sacred Heart and make a difference.
And I don't know yet if I have.
But as I look back at my students and my friends...
I felt such gratitude for the difference this job had made in me.
And now it was time to show up for the man who could finally admit he needed me.
[phone beeps]
"Sorry, that wasn't for you."
[scoffs]
Too late.
[♪ song ends]
So you were just gonna leave without saying goodbye?
[J.D.] I was hoping to.
I left a list of things that need fixing with this young man.
I would like you to meet my son.
[chuckles] Hey, Dr. D.
[J.D.] Maintenance Guy is the Janitor's son?
Nice. This guy loves me.
That's so great that your dad was able to get you a job here.
[both] Excuse me.
Are you calling my boy a nepo baby?
Daddy, did he just say I'm a nepo janitor?
- [J.D.] Ruh-roh. - Yes, Son, he did.
I told you the world is a cruel place.
You don't think I can get my own job? [chuckles]
You're gonna pay for this.
There you go. Order restored.
I thought we got this.
We don't got this.
[Janitor] Auf Wiedersehen.