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Downloaded from
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.BZ

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{\an8}Hey, this is Redban coming to you live
from the Moody Center

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{\an8}here in Austin, Texas,
for a brand-new episode of <i>Kill Tony.</i>

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Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe!

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Who's ready for the best fucking night
of their lives, huh?

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- Brian Redban, ladies and gentlemen.
- What's up?

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And how about one more time

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for the best damn band
in all the land, huh?

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{\an8}Oh, my God.

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{\an8}Here we are, another day at the office.
How the fuck are we doing, Austin, Texas?

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Oh. It feels good to be home.
How exciting is this?

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What a damn show we have ahead of you.
We're gonna have a blast tonight.

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How many of you traveled
from a faraway land to be here tonight?

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Welcome, welcome.
How many of you live in Austin, Texas?

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Look at that. A booming economy here,
as always, in Austin.

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We're gonna have
so much goddamn fun tonight.

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We have no ads, no sponsors.
We are on Netflix tonight, everybody.

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How exciting.

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You know,
I think we just roll right into it.

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I don't see any reason why we should wait.

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We have a lot of show to get to tonight,
so let's get it started with a bang.

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I'm gonna bring up
your first panelist, everybody.

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One of the best in the world,

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the most watched
Netflix special of the year,

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make some noise for Fluffy,
Gabriel Iglesias, ladies and gentlemen.

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Here we fucking go.

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{\an8}The man is back.

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You know him. You love him.

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- Texas's own Fluffy, everybody.
- What's up, Austin?

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I love it.

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- Fluffy, welcome back. How we doing?
- Thank you, Tony.

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This is awesome, man.
Happy New Year, everybody.

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Fluffy, this is a wild show tonight,
and it's a very, very special one.

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And you're gonna get it started.
Just us. Just the three of us.

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- Me, you, and Redban.
<i>- Just the three of us</i>

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- And we have something--
- That's pretty good, huh?

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You didn't know that.
"Oh, my God. He can sing."

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- When I'm drunk.
- You have a sweet voice and soft feet.

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I remember those soft feet

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from last time you were on.

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I'm gonna make
a special announcement, everybody.

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For those of you that are die-hard fans
of the show, you may know that

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only at Madison Square Garden
have we ever had a Legends bucket,

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but here it is with us tonight,

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for the first time ever,
outside of New York City.

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I was able to secure it,

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and I'm gonna pull
out of the Legends bucket,

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and we're going to get a short set
from one of the greatest comedians

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in <i>Kill Tony</i> history,

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and then they are going to join the panel.
Sound like a deal?

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Well, let's get it started.

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Ladies and gentlemen,
your first legend tonight,

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oh my God,
make some fucking noise,

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only literally the GOAT,

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Roseanne Barr, everybody. Here we go.

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{\an8}Hi, Tony. Hi.

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{\an8}Hi, Austin, Texas!

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Fuck yeah, Texas! Fuck yeah, Texas!

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I moved here three-and-a-half years ago.
I love Texas so much.

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You can walk around
anywheres wearing a gun,

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and you can shoot anything or anybody
you fucking feel like shooting.

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Hell yeah!

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I love it here.

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I love you, Roseanne!

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I love you.

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Thank you, Tony,
for inviting me to do three minutes,

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which I haven't done
for a long, long time.

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But I didn't even know if anybody
remembered me anymore, you know?

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Thank you all so much.
'Cause, like, when I go out,

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people oftentimes will confuse me
for Rosie O'Donnell.

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I don't know why, but...

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...now it happens quite frequent.

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You know, it's upsetting to me too.

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They'll go,
"Hey, Rosie, you cutie patootie."

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"Hey, Rosie, we miss you there
on <i>The View."</i>

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"Hey, Rosie, you're right.
Fuck Trump. He is a fascist."

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Kind of bums me out, you know?

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I'm like, "Hey, I'm not the one whose kid
is a crack whore in prison there."

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For hell's sake. I support Trump.

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I'm the one that likes dick.

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I've always liked dick.

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All kinds of dick.

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I've had about every kind of dick
you can have and I liked it all.

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I'm a big fan of dick.

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No problem with that.

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It was the, you know,
stuff around it that I had problems with.

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The other parts of the body

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that kept the stem cell alive there,
had problems with that.

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Some say I gave up too much for dick.

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Three divorces, went broke.

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Perhaps I loved too much,
you know what I mean?

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I'm kind of proof that you can suck
and fuck your way to the bottom.

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And I can't wait to do it all again,
ladies and gentlemen.

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God bless America and <i>Kill Tony.</i>

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Roseanne Barr, ladies and gentlemen.

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Roseanne, get over here. Join us.

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Roseanne Barr, everybody.

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Roseanne, multiple-time guest on the show,
legend, one of the greatest of all time.

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You know how the show works.
I pre-pulled a name.

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How about one more time
for Roseanne, everybody?

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I pre-pull the name
out of the normal bucket.

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You guys know how it works.
They get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

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You know their time is up
when you hear the sound of a kitten.

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That means they have to wrap it up then

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or else they bring out
the angry West Hollywood bear.

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And that's the gist of it.
I interview them after that.

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They get to talk to our esteemed panel.

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You guys ready to start
tonight's fucking show?

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And why not start
with the absolute newest regular

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in the <i>Kill Tony</i> universe?

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Ladies and gentlemen,
the Dark Storm of Atlanta is here.

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This is the arena debut of Dedrick Flynn.

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Dedrick!

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{\an8}Oh, man.

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{\an8}Y'all, I had to take a plane
from Atlanta, Georgia

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to Provo, Utah, to go...

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It wasn't a good experience, uh...

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...because the only flight

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leaving out of Atlanta to Utah
only left at five o'clock in the morning

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'cause they don't want people
from Atlanta going there.

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And so, I called my Uber
at three o'clock in the morning

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and it take him an hour to get there

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'cause he keep going
like a weird, like, way.

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And I wanted to cancel the Uber.

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I wanted to cancel the Uber,

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but he kept accepting it back
every time I request a new driver.

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So, he finally come pick me up.
We start driving to the airport.

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And when we get on the interstate,
he gets pulled over by six officers.

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And they're like,
"Get down on the ground now."

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And I'm crying 'cause I'm high.

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And I'm sitting over there.

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And I was like, "I need to go
to my flight." He said, "Okay, go."

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But I can't call another Uber
from the interstate.

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And I'm chilling.

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And I'm so panicking right now.
I'm so sorry, y'all.

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I'm so sorry.

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So, I tried to call a--

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You can't call an Uber
from the interstate.

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So, I looked at one of the cops.
I was like, "Can y'all drop me off?"

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And then he said, "Yes."

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But that nigga didn't let me sit
in the front seat.

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He made me get in the back.

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I wanted to play with the laptop, but...

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He turned on the sirens,
he fly down there,

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we get to the airport.

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I can't get out 'cause I'm in the back,
so he got to come open my door up.

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Then he tried to help me with my baggage,
and I made eye contact

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with 20 Black people
shaking their head like this at me.

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'Cause I look like
an Olympic gold medal snitch.

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And then right before I walk
into the airport after being ashamed,

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he going to get on his intercom and go,
"Have a safe flight."

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Shut the fuck up!

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Do your job.
All right, y'all, that's my time.

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There he is. Dedrick Flynn.

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With his arena debut, his Netflix debut,
heart beating out of his chest.

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- That was awesome. That was awesome.
- Yeah.

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Incredible energy, incredible confidence.

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I don't have to say anything.
They speak for everyone. You guys.

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Great job, man.

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Great job.

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That was beautiful.

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That was beautiful, man.

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Thank you so much, man.

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I've been waiting to meet you
my whole life, dawg.

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00:12:09,311 --> 00:12:10,563
Hey.

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00:12:10,646 --> 00:12:14,233
I got so many bootleg DVDs
of your comedy stuff.

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I was getting my hair cut,
like, "You got that new Fluffy?"

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00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:19,822
"Let me get that." That was...

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Dedrick Flynn, you're in your hometown
of Austin, Texas right now.

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He stayed focused.

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He had incredible energy
coming out the gate.

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I was connected
from the second you walked out.

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That was a wonderful story.

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You got good energy and great personality,
and you're very real.

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00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:45,055
- I appreciate that.
- It... It does--

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00:12:45,139 --> 00:12:48,851
Man, hey, those emotions,
it's a beautiful thing.

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This is a powerful thing
that you just overcame.

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So, I don't know,
how long have you been doing comedy?

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00:12:54,648 --> 00:12:58,110
- A little over 12 years.
- Man, and it shows.

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- And it shows.
- Goddamn!

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00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:05,075
Bitch, I'm on Netflix!

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00:13:06,035 --> 00:13:07,328
Hell yeah.

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00:13:08,829 --> 00:13:13,042
All right, the real question is,
how much did you pay for those bootlegs?

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00:13:15,377 --> 00:13:16,712
I wanna know what
the going rate was back then.

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00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:19,006
So the ones that was blue
on the bottom was ten dollars,

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and the ones that scratch up all the time

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- was five.
- Hey, man.

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00:13:23,260 --> 00:13:25,221
- So I owe you some money, I think.
- Nice.

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00:13:25,304 --> 00:13:27,640
You got Cash App?

191
00:13:31,101 --> 00:13:35,981
Dedrick, your life has done a complete
180 in the past couple months.

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00:13:36,065 --> 00:13:39,109
You're the newest regular on this show.
Tell us about that.

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00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:42,363
How have things changed?
We've heard you rap.

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00:13:42,446 --> 00:13:44,865
We've seen you get a new grill, but--

195
00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:46,283
Oh, yeah, let me put the top in.

196
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:47,952
No, no, no, you don't need to do that.

197
00:13:48,035 --> 00:13:49,829
- Let me put it, let me put it...
- You really--

198
00:13:49,912 --> 00:13:51,831
Where I put it at? Where I put it at?

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00:13:51,914 --> 00:13:53,415
Roseanne, you so pretty.

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00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:55,543
- Thank you.
- You...

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00:13:55,626 --> 00:13:58,963
- Thank you. You know, is this on?
- Yes!

202
00:13:59,046 --> 00:14:03,425
I was gonna say
that was some brilliant shit that I heard,

203
00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:07,972
that was roundabout, convoluted,
back, forth, and up and down.

204
00:14:08,055 --> 00:14:15,020
That was some poetic, hilarious narrative
that I've never heard before.

205
00:14:15,104 --> 00:14:18,190
And I was blown away by you. I love you.

206
00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:21,193
- Oh, my God, I'm talking to Roseanne Barr.
- Right.

207
00:14:24,029 --> 00:14:25,197
I love you.

208
00:14:25,906 --> 00:14:31,161
I'm from Georgia, so we watched you
on TBS every Sunday,

209
00:14:31,245 --> 00:14:34,290
right after we watch <i>Gunsmoke,</i>
and then we watch you.

210
00:14:35,791 --> 00:14:40,337
Well, you're just a brilliant comic,
honey, and you're gonna go far.

211
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:46,260
Oh.

212
00:14:51,098 --> 00:14:54,852
Dedrick, I talked to your mom.

213
00:14:54,935 --> 00:14:56,437
All right, there's gold teeth.

214
00:14:59,356 --> 00:15:01,191
- For those of you--
<i>- Kill Tony,</i> dawg.

215
00:15:01,275 --> 00:15:03,402
I'm sorry.

216
00:15:03,485 --> 00:15:05,237
For those of you that just flipped over

217
00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:08,115
from whatever Tyler Perry movie's
on Netflix...

218
00:15:08,198 --> 00:15:10,284
...that is indeed

219
00:15:10,367 --> 00:15:12,912
the Dark Storm of Atlanta, Dedrick Flynn.

220
00:15:12,995 --> 00:15:16,415
I've talked to your mom.
I've never asked you, is dad in your life?

221
00:15:16,498 --> 00:15:19,460
You did.
I told you my dad was dead the first time.

222
00:15:19,543 --> 00:15:22,379
Oh! Okay, perfect.

223
00:15:22,463 --> 00:15:24,006
Is-- But he here now.

224
00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:25,549
You know what I'm saying?
He in the building.

225
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:26,926
- My mom couldn't make it.
- He is.

226
00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:28,552
- My dad is in here.
- He is.

227
00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:32,932
I believe he's in catering right now.

228
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:36,936
D Madness said

229
00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:38,938
he can see my dad when he in the room.

230
00:15:42,024 --> 00:15:45,110
Dedrick, you are the man.
You did it again.

231
00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:48,530
Everybody loves you.
Welcome to the <i>Kill Tony</i> family.

232
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:53,202
- His arena debut. His Netflix debut.
- I love y'all!

233
00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:56,455
The American Dream, Dedrick Flynn.

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00:16:02,878 --> 00:16:05,130
All right, we're going
to a normal bucket pull.

235
00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:07,967
One more time before we get back
to the Legends bucket.

236
00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:13,472
It's a one-word name.
Make some noise for Yang, everyone. Yang.

237
00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:26,735
Hello, my name is Yang. I'm Asian.

238
00:16:29,488 --> 00:16:31,615
My pronouns are su/shi.

239
00:16:34,201 --> 00:16:35,452
And dim sum.

240
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:41,792
I'm a musician. Yeah.

241
00:16:41,875 --> 00:16:43,836
My stage name is Lil Ming.

242
00:16:45,921 --> 00:16:48,173
AKA Yellow Haitian 2000.

243
00:16:49,883 --> 00:16:52,553
My MBTI is IDGAF.

244
00:16:54,471 --> 00:16:56,056
I like buying shoes.

245
00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:58,809
And making shoes.

246
00:17:01,603 --> 00:17:04,023
I'm just here to share good news with you.

247
00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:06,859
I just got
my nail technician certification.

248
00:17:10,070 --> 00:17:11,905
Chill, I'm just joking.

249
00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:15,367
Do I look like I do nail?

250
00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:19,163
Thank you, I'm Yang.

251
00:17:19,246 --> 00:17:22,332
Fifty-five seconds from Yang.

252
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:25,586
It's spelled like Yang,
but it's pronounced "Young."

253
00:17:25,669 --> 00:17:28,297
- Yeah, it's with a G, so "Young."
- Yeah, I got it.

254
00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:32,176
You said you were Asian and young,
and Redban came in his pants.

255
00:17:32,259 --> 00:17:34,053
So, very exciting.

256
00:17:34,136 --> 00:17:37,056
I have good news for you.
You're definitely doing every secret show

257
00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:38,724
- at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club...
- Yeah.

258
00:17:38,807 --> 00:17:39,892
...for the rest of eternity.

259
00:17:39,975 --> 00:17:42,770
Tonight, at the Residence Inn
around 1:00 a.m. if you want to go.

260
00:17:42,853 --> 00:17:46,982
Wow. He's doing a comedy show
at the Residence Inn, everybody.

261
00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:49,568
- He's really spending some of that money.
- Hell yeah.

262
00:17:51,236 --> 00:17:53,155
How long you been doing stand-up, Yang?

263
00:17:53,238 --> 00:17:55,491
- About three, four years. Yeah.
- Where at?

264
00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:57,785
- Uh, Tampa, Florida. Yeah.
- Okay.

265
00:17:57,868 --> 00:18:00,537
And you came here just for this?

266
00:18:00,621 --> 00:18:02,206
- I'm sorry?
- What are you doing in Austin?

267
00:18:02,289 --> 00:18:04,083
Just signing up for this?
Is that the goal?

268
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:07,628
- Yeah, just for this, yeah.
- Look at you, very lucky.

269
00:18:07,711 --> 00:18:09,505
- Yeah, I--
- You people are very lucky.

270
00:18:09,588 --> 00:18:11,173
I'm sorry?

271
00:18:11,256 --> 00:18:13,592
You people are very lucky.

272
00:18:13,675 --> 00:18:15,469
- I'm very lucky?
- You're lucky.

273
00:18:15,552 --> 00:18:17,513
Thank you, yeah.

274
00:18:17,596 --> 00:18:19,723
The more you say it,
the more racist you sound.

275
00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:23,018
<i>"Me sucky sucky."</i>

276
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,978
I thought you did an incredible job.

277
00:18:25,062 --> 00:18:27,189
- Thank you. Thank you, Fluffy.
- You walked out very confident.

278
00:18:27,272 --> 00:18:29,399
You took a chance,
and I think it paid off.

279
00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:31,026
- Didn't it pay off?
- Yeah.

280
00:18:34,446 --> 00:18:37,449
I mean,
it was an absolutely fantastic set,

281
00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:41,954
and we have the greatest female
stand-up comedian of all time here

282
00:18:42,037 --> 00:18:45,457
- to give you some feedback.
- Sure. Thank you.

283
00:18:46,166 --> 00:18:50,629
Yeah, you had it like
really tight and fast.

284
00:18:50,712 --> 00:18:51,880
- It was good.
- Definitely tight.

285
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:54,758
I wasn't sure what you were talking about,
but I'm glad you clarified that.

286
00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:56,218
Redban.

287
00:18:56,301 --> 00:18:59,930
Yeah, I mean, it was like boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom,

288
00:19:00,013 --> 00:19:03,725
so you could tell you've been...
God, you've got a dirty mind.

289
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:04,893
- You really do.
- I'm sorry.

290
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:07,521
You're saying "boom, boom, boom"
after saying she had it really tight.

291
00:19:07,604 --> 00:19:10,065
What am I supposed to think? Sorry.

292
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,818
- That's comedian talk.
- Yeah, it is.

293
00:19:12,901 --> 00:19:16,697
I think you're a good comic,
but here's what I really wanna know.

294
00:19:16,780 --> 00:19:18,240
What do you eat?

295
00:19:20,242 --> 00:19:21,702
A lot of sushi.

296
00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:25,205
I mean, what do you eat in a day?

297
00:19:25,289 --> 00:19:29,376
What do I eat during the day?
A lot of people ask me that

298
00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:33,130
because American women
are not as skinny as me, so...

299
00:19:35,674 --> 00:19:39,011
It's okay, it's okay.
We need to get on diet, you know?

300
00:19:39,094 --> 00:19:41,972
We need to get back
on the fat-shaming in this country.

301
00:19:44,474 --> 00:19:45,559
Thank you.

302
00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:50,355
Bring that back, bring that back, okay?
It's gonna help.

303
00:19:51,648 --> 00:19:54,735
Yang, you are so talented.
It is incredible.

304
00:19:54,818 --> 00:19:56,987
Do you do this for a living?
What do you do?

305
00:19:57,070 --> 00:19:59,781
- How do you make money?
- I drive Uber.

306
00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:02,451
- You drive Uber?
- Yeah, I do. I...

307
00:20:02,534 --> 00:20:04,786
I actually took a 2,000 loan

308
00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:07,372
to come here because I...

309
00:20:07,456 --> 00:20:11,126
...I couldn't drive during New Year's Eve,

310
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,837
so I literally
almost go bankrupt coming here,

311
00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:16,548
but I want to chase my dream here.

312
00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:19,927
- Well, you literally...
- Thank you.

313
00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:23,222
It couldn't have gone any better.
A perfect spot.

314
00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:26,975
You're on Netflix.
You're in an arena right now.

315
00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:29,478
- How do you feel? Good?
- I...

316
00:20:29,978 --> 00:20:33,774
Incredible. I mean,
this is what I need. I'm...

317
00:20:33,857 --> 00:20:35,609
I don't know if you have seen me online,

318
00:20:35,692 --> 00:20:39,238
but I do have 30,000 followers
on Instagram and...

319
00:20:40,447 --> 00:20:43,784
...I just need this opportunity
to have people know me and...

320
00:20:44,451 --> 00:20:48,080
I really appreciate you having this show
and giving people this opportunity

321
00:20:48,163 --> 00:20:49,164
and I love it.

322
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:51,500
Amazing.

323
00:20:51,583 --> 00:20:53,126
Amazing. You've said all the right things.

324
00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:56,088
- Redban is sweating bullets over here.
- Oh, yeah. I just--

325
00:20:56,171 --> 00:20:59,091
You have a very small face
and nice white skin.

326
00:20:59,174 --> 00:21:01,093
- I enjoy it.
- You look like you have problems

327
00:21:01,176 --> 00:21:05,347
with your kidneys.

328
00:21:07,182 --> 00:21:08,725
Ah. He does.

329
00:21:09,518 --> 00:21:11,895
Very good diagnosis.

330
00:21:12,646 --> 00:21:15,691
I can tell. I've seen plenty of those.

331
00:21:18,568 --> 00:21:22,155
You need to eat whatever she's eating.
You need to eat a pile of seaweed salad

332
00:21:22,239 --> 00:21:23,949
- or something.
- Oh. Thank God.

333
00:21:24,032 --> 00:21:26,576
I thought you were going to say dick.

334
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:34,626
This is... This is what I'm stuck
working with, every week of my life.

335
00:21:35,669 --> 00:21:39,298
- Yang, do you have a boyfriend?
- I'm looking for a boyfriend.

336
00:21:39,381 --> 00:21:41,800
Oh, my goodness.
What kind of guy are you into?

337
00:21:41,883 --> 00:21:43,302
Do you have a specific type?

338
00:21:43,385 --> 00:21:45,554
- I mean, you're cute.
- Oh, my goodness.

339
00:21:45,637 --> 00:21:48,098
Whoa.

340
00:21:48,181 --> 00:21:49,182
Wow.

341
00:21:50,017 --> 00:21:53,353
Do you like Asian?
I've never heard you are with an Asian.

342
00:21:53,437 --> 00:21:55,397
Redban is the Asian specialist here.

343
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:57,774
- This is as good as it's gonna get.
- Okay, I guess no then.

344
00:21:57,858 --> 00:21:59,568
That's a good rejection as...

345
00:21:59,651 --> 00:22:01,945
I have one here
if you wanna hook up with her.

346
00:22:02,029 --> 00:22:05,866
- And you know like we could all--
- Shut the fuck up.

347
00:22:08,452 --> 00:22:11,496
No, I don't think you have the parts
that I'm into, Yang.

348
00:22:11,580 --> 00:22:13,915
You know what I'm saying?

349
00:22:13,999 --> 00:22:15,417
- What?
- What kind of Asian are you?

350
00:22:15,500 --> 00:22:17,544
- Are you Thai?
- Uh...

351
00:22:17,627 --> 00:22:19,546
I'm from China... China.

352
00:22:19,629 --> 00:22:21,631
I love China. It's a great country.

353
00:22:27,846 --> 00:22:29,848
Excuse me, I'm talking. Excuse me.

354
00:22:32,559 --> 00:22:35,437
I'm building a huge ballroom
in the White House because--

355
00:22:37,439 --> 00:22:41,234
I got big balls and big hands. Big hands.

356
00:22:43,111 --> 00:22:45,947
And we're not gonna pay for it.
China, China's gonna pay for it.

357
00:23:00,087 --> 00:23:02,881
Excuse me. Fake news, fake news.

358
00:23:03,632 --> 00:23:05,967
China's gonna pay
for it with fentanyl tax,

359
00:23:06,051 --> 00:23:07,803
200% fentanyl tax.

360
00:23:09,805 --> 00:23:14,059
We're gonna make America great again.
Thank you. Make <i>Kill Tony</i> great again.

361
00:23:16,269 --> 00:23:19,022
I think you have made
<i>Kill Tony</i> great again, Yang.

362
00:23:19,106 --> 00:23:20,232
And you know what?

363
00:23:20,315 --> 00:23:24,403
Even though this is on Netflix
and in an arena, let's have some fun.

364
00:23:24,486 --> 00:23:27,614
You're the newest Golden Ticket winner
on the show.

365
00:23:31,701 --> 00:23:33,870
Wow.

366
00:23:33,954 --> 00:23:39,668
What a performance. Amazing.
Here's the big joke book. Boom! Got it.

367
00:23:41,378 --> 00:23:44,548
Thank you so much, Yang.
You absolutely nailed it.

368
00:23:44,631 --> 00:23:47,175
It could not have possibly
have gone any better.

369
00:23:47,259 --> 00:23:50,804
That is exactly what
the American-slash-Chinese dream

370
00:23:50,887 --> 00:23:52,097
is all about.

371
00:23:52,180 --> 00:23:55,434
You took a chance.
You spent your money. You came here.

372
00:23:55,517 --> 00:23:58,645
You could have absolutely not gotten
pulled out of the bucket at all.

373
00:23:58,728 --> 00:24:01,398
You did. You executed your jokes.

374
00:24:01,481 --> 00:24:05,068
You blasted
through the interview with calm,

375
00:24:05,152 --> 00:24:08,822
precision, and improvisation.
Amazing. You're exactly what

376
00:24:08,905 --> 00:24:10,449
- this show's all about. Congratulations.
- Thank you.

377
00:24:10,532 --> 00:24:14,244
Ladies and gentlemen, a star is born.

378
00:24:19,207 --> 00:24:21,668
Ooh-la-la.

379
00:24:21,751 --> 00:24:24,796
I hear we have drinks on the way.
Is that true?

380
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:26,173
Congratulations, Yang.

381
00:24:27,674 --> 00:24:31,428
Make some noise
for Heidi and Val, everybody.

382
00:24:31,511 --> 00:24:35,015
- That was awesome.
- We got drinks on the way.

383
00:24:35,098 --> 00:24:35,974
And I...

384
00:24:36,641 --> 00:24:40,604
And I do believe the drinks are--
Oh, here they are. Look at them.

385
00:24:42,022 --> 00:24:43,273
How exciting.

386
00:24:44,274 --> 00:24:46,568
Heidi and Val, everybody.

387
00:24:52,073 --> 00:24:52,991
A little something.

388
00:24:53,074 --> 00:24:55,452
I think Roseanne wanted something.

389
00:24:55,535 --> 00:24:57,412
What do you want, Roseanne?

390
00:24:57,496 --> 00:24:59,623
Could we get a, uh... Can we get a...

391
00:24:59,706 --> 00:25:02,709
Can we get a water on the rocks
for Roseanne Barr?

392
00:25:02,792 --> 00:25:05,212
- And how about you?
- I'll take some tequila.

393
00:25:05,295 --> 00:25:07,255
- Can I drink with you guys?
- Hell yeah.

394
00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:08,465
Yeah.

395
00:25:08,548 --> 00:25:11,051
It's New Year's, man.
That's the excuse I'm using tonight.

396
00:25:11,134 --> 00:25:12,135
No, yeah.

397
00:25:12,219 --> 00:25:15,472
Tony, can I say...
can I say out the gate, man,

398
00:25:15,555 --> 00:25:18,058
this show is incredibly stacked.

399
00:25:18,683 --> 00:25:20,602
I mean, everyone's been funny.

400
00:25:22,187 --> 00:25:23,730
- This is--
- What a way to end a year.

401
00:25:23,813 --> 00:25:25,482
- Yeah.
- What a way to end a year.

402
00:25:25,565 --> 00:25:27,859
- Well--
- In Austin, Texas!

403
00:25:27,943 --> 00:25:29,736
Well, I got news for you.

404
00:25:29,819 --> 00:25:31,655
I just pulled out of the Legends bucket,
and this...

405
00:25:31,738 --> 00:25:34,199
- We got another one?
- ...is a freak of nature.

406
00:25:34,282 --> 00:25:38,286
He's only been on this show
one time ever before.

407
00:25:38,370 --> 00:25:42,832
Meanwhile, a lot of people are saying
that he is indeed a frontrunner

408
00:25:42,916 --> 00:25:44,501
for Guest of the Year.

409
00:25:44,584 --> 00:25:48,588
Make some noise for Rob Schneider.

410
00:25:56,263 --> 00:25:58,431
Thank you.

411
00:26:00,642 --> 00:26:01,935
Thank you so much.

412
00:26:03,144 --> 00:26:04,145
Thank you.

413
00:26:06,273 --> 00:26:08,441
Thank you. Hi. Thank you.

414
00:26:08,525 --> 00:26:11,486
Oh, my God. Thank you.

415
00:26:11,570 --> 00:26:13,780
Thank you. Thank you so much.

416
00:26:17,951 --> 00:26:20,245
I'm just here
for a little Asian pussy, and...

417
00:26:22,330 --> 00:26:24,040
{\an8}...and I just saw some and I...

418
00:26:24,708 --> 00:26:29,504
{\an8}I just want to say, Tony Hinchcliffe,
you make dreams come true for comedians.

419
00:26:29,588 --> 00:26:31,548
You do.

420
00:26:33,258 --> 00:26:36,052
For so many comedians launching careers,

421
00:26:36,761 --> 00:26:39,055
relaunching careers,
I just wanna thank you.

422
00:26:39,139 --> 00:26:42,142
You, honestly--
He's not listening. Honestly...

423
00:26:44,519 --> 00:26:47,105
Tony, when you watch this back
and you hear this...

424
00:26:49,107 --> 00:26:52,360
...I want you to know
how much you mean to me

425
00:26:53,153 --> 00:26:56,197
and what you do for comedians,
what it means.

426
00:26:56,281 --> 00:26:58,575
This man,

427
00:26:58,658 --> 00:27:01,244
let me tell you,
since I've been on your show,

428
00:27:01,328 --> 00:27:02,912
Tony, when you hear this back,

429
00:27:02,996 --> 00:27:04,497
Tony...

430
00:27:04,581 --> 00:27:06,875
...since I was on your show
several months ago...

431
00:27:08,752 --> 00:27:10,879
absolutely nothing
has fucking happened for me.

432
00:27:10,962 --> 00:27:12,797
Nothing. Zero.

433
00:27:12,881 --> 00:27:14,257
Jack shit.

434
00:27:14,341 --> 00:27:17,677
Nothing. My life did not improve at--
Fucking zippo.

435
00:27:17,761 --> 00:27:20,472
Nothing. Nada.
Nothing has fucking happened.

436
00:27:20,555 --> 00:27:22,724
Not one fucking offer
for fucking anything.

437
00:27:22,807 --> 00:27:25,894
And I have you to thank for it.

438
00:27:25,977 --> 00:27:27,020
Thank you.

439
00:27:31,107 --> 00:27:33,526
I wanna tell you thank you.

440
00:27:33,610 --> 00:27:35,153
You can do it.

441
00:27:35,236 --> 00:27:38,740
You can do it, Austin.

442
00:27:38,823 --> 00:27:40,742
All New Year's Eve long.

443
00:27:41,785 --> 00:27:43,828
I wanna tell you something like--

444
00:27:43,912 --> 00:27:45,622
Now, there's a lot of comedians
that are gonna tell jokes.

445
00:27:45,705 --> 00:27:50,377
I wanna tell something. It's a story
that's about something important to me.

446
00:27:50,460 --> 00:27:52,671
I hate when people go on Ancestry.com.

447
00:27:52,754 --> 00:27:54,631
You know, they go on Ancestry.com,
and it's like...

448
00:27:54,714 --> 00:27:57,509
"I just found out
my great, great, great, great, great,

449
00:27:57,592 --> 00:28:01,721
great, great grandfather
was on the Mayflower,

450
00:28:01,805 --> 00:28:02,847
and he was the fucking captain."

451
00:28:02,931 --> 00:28:04,849
It's like, shut the fuck up. First of all,

452
00:28:04,933 --> 00:28:06,851
that doesn't reflect you at all.

453
00:28:06,935 --> 00:28:07,894
Nobody cares.

454
00:28:07,977 --> 00:28:10,188
It doesn't make you a better person,
a more interesting person.

455
00:28:10,271 --> 00:28:12,440
Clearly, all of our ancestors
were just trying to survive,

456
00:28:12,524 --> 00:28:14,776
do the best job they could.
Clearly. It doesn't mean--

457
00:28:14,859 --> 00:28:17,278
You never hear anybody bragging
about something, you know, normal

458
00:28:17,362 --> 00:28:19,531
that most of our ancestors ever did.
You never hear like...

459
00:28:19,614 --> 00:28:21,324
"I just found out my great,

460
00:28:21,408 --> 00:28:25,620
great, great, great grandmother
was on the fucking Mayflower."

461
00:28:25,704 --> 00:28:28,164
"And she was a waitress and she, you know,

462
00:28:28,248 --> 00:28:31,084
she dropped something
and she got fucked by the captain."

463
00:28:31,167 --> 00:28:33,670
"So I'm kind of also related to the ca--"

464
00:28:35,046 --> 00:28:36,840
But I found out, you know...

465
00:28:36,923 --> 00:28:41,177
When I was ten years old,
my dad told me that

466
00:28:41,845 --> 00:28:45,432
the most consequential event
of the 20th century was World War II.

467
00:28:46,516 --> 00:28:48,977
And that one of the most
consequential events of World War II

468
00:28:49,060 --> 00:28:53,565
was the liberation of Europe,
D-Day, June 6th, 1944,

469
00:28:53,648 --> 00:28:56,568
and that my grandfather was there.
So I said, "Can I go talk to him?"

470
00:28:56,651 --> 00:28:58,278
"Can I go talk to him?"
He says, "No, no, no, no."

471
00:28:58,361 --> 00:29:01,740
"Your grandfather suffers
from this thing called survivor's guilt."

472
00:29:02,532 --> 00:29:04,951
Why did he survive
when his friends around him

473
00:29:05,034 --> 00:29:06,286
were all killed that day?

474
00:29:06,870 --> 00:29:08,621
So, if he wants to talk about it,
he'll talk about it.

475
00:29:08,705 --> 00:29:11,499
But if he doesn't, he won't.
So I said, "Well, fine," you know?

476
00:29:11,583 --> 00:29:14,502
So we used to go see him every Sunday.
Finally, one Sunday, my dad said,

477
00:29:14,586 --> 00:29:16,963
"Hey, Robbie,
grandpa wants to talk about D-Day."

478
00:29:17,046 --> 00:29:19,966
"Now?"
"Yeah, just let him do the talking."

479
00:29:20,675 --> 00:29:25,096
So I went in there, and I said,
"Grandpa, you gonna tell us about D-Day,

480
00:29:25,930 --> 00:29:30,268
June 6th, 1944,
the liberation of Europe, Omaha Beach?"

481
00:29:31,269 --> 00:29:32,604
"What was that like?"

482
00:29:32,687 --> 00:29:34,439
And I'll never forget, he told me...

483
00:29:35,231 --> 00:29:37,066
"Well, I was sleeping in the morning!"

484
00:29:38,234 --> 00:29:40,236
"And then the <i>Amerikaner</i> start attacking."

485
00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:41,613
I said...

486
00:29:41,696 --> 00:29:43,698
"They are coming. They are coming."

487
00:29:43,782 --> 00:29:46,785
"Herr Hitler was right.
They are fucking coming."

488
00:29:49,913 --> 00:29:52,582
"So we're shooting."

489
00:29:52,665 --> 00:29:56,044
"Killing as many Americans as we could."

490
00:29:56,127 --> 00:29:57,378
"But there was too many,

491
00:29:57,462 --> 00:30:00,381
and then the fucking Canadians
start fucking coming."

492
00:30:00,465 --> 00:30:04,344
"Luckily, we had booby traps,
so bombs were going fucking off."

493
00:30:04,427 --> 00:30:08,014
"And arms and legs, American arms
and legs were fucking everywhere."

494
00:30:08,097 --> 00:30:10,517
"I picked them up.
I threw the American arm and the leg."

495
00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:14,020
"But there was too many.
Finally, we ran out of ammunition."

496
00:30:14,103 --> 00:30:16,689
"I threw down my weapon,
put on a woman's dress,

497
00:30:16,773 --> 00:30:19,943
snuck into Belgium, sucked a few dicks,
but I survived the war."

498
00:30:20,026 --> 00:30:21,778
I said, "Wow."

499
00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:25,323
"Grandpa."

500
00:30:26,866 --> 00:30:29,160
I know.

501
00:30:29,244 --> 00:30:31,913
"I understand what you mean
by survivor's guilt."

502
00:30:35,875 --> 00:30:37,752
Anyway, thank you for having me.

503
00:30:37,836 --> 00:30:40,255
Could you move your gigantic ass
so I can sit down?

504
00:30:40,338 --> 00:30:41,548
- No, he'll stay there.
- Thank you.

505
00:30:41,631 --> 00:30:44,884
Squeeze in between him and Roseanne.

506
00:30:44,968 --> 00:30:47,679
Rob Schneider joining the panel, everybody.

507
00:30:49,722 --> 00:30:54,060
This is what we call
a good old-fashioned slobber knocker.

508
00:30:55,395 --> 00:30:58,815
How about one more time
for the great Rob Schneider, everybody?

509
00:31:03,695 --> 00:31:07,866
And back to the bucket we go,
ladies and gentlemen.

510
00:31:07,949 --> 00:31:12,829
A normal human being has to follow
Rob Schneider in an arena.

511
00:31:12,912 --> 00:31:17,500
Make some noise for Timely Rain, everyone.
Here comes Timely Rain.

512
00:31:22,714 --> 00:31:25,341
My boyfriend's 30 years old,

513
00:31:25,967 --> 00:31:27,760
which doesn't sound so bad
until you realize

514
00:31:27,844 --> 00:31:30,179
I've been dating 30-year-olds
since I was 16.

515
00:31:31,431 --> 00:31:34,642
I keep on getting older
and they stay the same age.

516
00:31:36,352 --> 00:31:39,063
And I'm a pretty good girlfriend too,
so in my last relationship,

517
00:31:39,147 --> 00:31:40,189
my ex was like,

518
00:31:40,273 --> 00:31:42,650
"Where have you been my whole life?"

519
00:31:42,734 --> 00:31:46,362
I was like, "In middle school."

520
00:31:46,446 --> 00:31:49,157
I couldn't even get him to, like,
come to one of my comedy shows,

521
00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:51,159
let alone divorce his wife.

522
00:31:52,577 --> 00:31:56,331
I'm on my third husband by now,
and I've never even been married.

523
00:32:00,084 --> 00:32:05,131
My weed dealer called me the other day
to tell me that he graduated college

524
00:32:06,299 --> 00:32:09,761
and to thank me
for paying his way through college.

525
00:32:11,054 --> 00:32:13,640
I was like,
"Damn, I could have gone to college."

526
00:32:16,184 --> 00:32:19,729
Y'all wanna hear a dick joke?

527
00:32:19,812 --> 00:32:23,399
I don't have one.

528
00:32:23,483 --> 00:32:25,526
I don't know. I'm just the kind of girl...

529
00:32:25,610 --> 00:32:29,364
...that'll fake an orgasm even when
I'm masturbating just to get it over with.

530
00:32:29,989 --> 00:32:31,407
Thank you, guys. My name's Timely.

531
00:32:31,491 --> 00:32:33,993
Timely Rain.

532
00:32:34,077 --> 00:32:36,913
- Amazing set.
- Thank you.

533
00:32:36,996 --> 00:32:40,375
This is incredible.
You just got pulled out of the bucket

534
00:32:40,458 --> 00:32:43,878
for your very first time this past Monday...

535
00:32:43,962 --> 00:32:45,922
- Yeah.
- ...on our normal taping of a show

536
00:32:46,005 --> 00:32:48,174
in which you'd signed up
how many times again?

537
00:32:48,257 --> 00:32:51,052
I've probably signed up over 50 times
in the past two-and-a-half years.

538
00:32:51,135 --> 00:32:54,263
Over 50 times
and you've gotten up somehow,

539
00:32:54,347 --> 00:32:59,686
miraculously, twice
in the past three days, which is insane.

540
00:32:59,769 --> 00:33:02,188
This bucket has a mind of its own.

541
00:33:02,271 --> 00:33:05,858
When God's good.

542
00:33:05,942 --> 00:33:07,235
- I love it.
- When it rains it pours.

543
00:33:07,318 --> 00:33:09,362
Remind us all,
how long you been doing stand-up?

544
00:33:09,445 --> 00:33:12,365
I've been doing stand-up for four years
now in Houston, Texas.

545
00:33:12,448 --> 00:33:13,616
What do you do for work?

546
00:33:13,700 --> 00:33:15,952
- What am I what?
- What do you do for work?

547
00:33:16,035 --> 00:33:17,537
Oh. No, I do stand-up comedy.

548
00:33:17,620 --> 00:33:21,416
I produce shows all around Houston,
and I work at the Ren Faire.

549
00:33:21,499 --> 00:33:23,876
I'm a bartender. I'm a babysitter.

550
00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:26,629
Anything I can do
to get my nights off to do this.

551
00:33:26,713 --> 00:33:28,047
- Amazing.
- Yeah.

552
00:33:28,131 --> 00:33:30,049
Amazing.

553
00:33:31,551 --> 00:33:32,635
I love it.

554
00:33:32,719 --> 00:33:35,263
So, Timely, tell us something else crazy
about your life

555
00:33:35,346 --> 00:33:37,306
that we'd be surprised to know about you.

556
00:33:37,390 --> 00:33:40,435
Um, I don't know if it's surprising,
but I used to be a drug addict.

557
00:33:40,518 --> 00:33:41,853
- Um...
- Okay.

558
00:33:41,936 --> 00:33:43,146
And I'm not anymore.

559
00:33:43,229 --> 00:33:46,190
I quit doing cocaine
to start stand-up comedy.

560
00:33:46,774 --> 00:33:48,443
- Nice.
- Boo!

561
00:33:50,820 --> 00:33:52,947
Was it just cocaine?
Was that your main thing?

562
00:33:53,031 --> 00:33:59,037
Oh, no. I was very addicted to ketamine,
cocaine, molly, and whippets,

563
00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:02,790
- and acid, all at the same time.
- Wow.

564
00:34:04,250 --> 00:34:06,544
I think it's funny
that a lot of you are cheering for that.

565
00:34:06,627 --> 00:34:09,881
- Yeah, I'm like, um, I don't remember.
- Fricking Austin.

566
00:34:11,007 --> 00:34:16,095
During like COVID, you know,
I never liked ketamine before COVID,

567
00:34:16,179 --> 00:34:20,516
but... ...ketamine made
sitting at home really awesome.

568
00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:23,269
So, that was the last straw.

569
00:34:23,352 --> 00:34:27,690
What's the craziest thing that happened
to you during that time, during that era?

570
00:34:27,774 --> 00:34:31,611
Like, was there a time where, you know,
you realized you had hit bottom?

571
00:34:32,445 --> 00:34:34,405
No, everyone else tells you
you hit bottom

572
00:34:34,489 --> 00:34:36,991
way before you realize that you do.

573
00:34:37,075 --> 00:34:38,785
Um...

574
00:34:38,868 --> 00:34:40,787
That really happened to me or not ha--

575
00:34:40,870 --> 00:34:44,791
Like, the craziest thing I've ever seen
was every single one of my drawers

576
00:34:44,874 --> 00:34:48,044
on my dresser
was a different place in the world.

577
00:34:48,628 --> 00:34:50,630
- Mm.
- One of my-- Like, my sock dresser

578
00:34:50,713 --> 00:34:52,298
was like the beach and, like, my,

579
00:34:52,381 --> 00:34:54,842
uh, you know, pants drawer

580
00:34:54,926 --> 00:34:57,428
was like a cathedral.

581
00:34:57,512 --> 00:35:01,516
And then-- Yeah... ...pretty much.
And then you blink and it was gone.

582
00:35:01,599 --> 00:35:02,558
Wow.

583
00:35:02,642 --> 00:35:05,061
The craziest thing
that happened to me in real life

584
00:35:05,144 --> 00:35:08,731
was I ended up living
in a motel with a little bunny,

585
00:35:08,815 --> 00:35:14,570
a dog, a cat, and a diabetic DJ
who was stealing all my money.

586
00:35:16,572 --> 00:35:19,242
Well, the good news was
you didn't have a lot of money to steal.

587
00:35:19,325 --> 00:35:22,453
Exa-- Eight hundred dollars exactly.

588
00:35:22,537 --> 00:35:24,288
- Yeah. That's the good part.
- Yeah.

589
00:35:24,372 --> 00:35:26,207
- You gotta look at the positive.
- Thank you.

590
00:35:26,290 --> 00:35:27,291
Always.

591
00:35:27,375 --> 00:35:30,044
- Especially when you're a drug addict.
- Especially when you're a drug addict.

592
00:35:30,128 --> 00:35:31,838
- You gotta dig deep, find that shit.
- Not anymore.

593
00:35:31,921 --> 00:35:33,631
- Not anymore.
- Hang on to it tight.

594
00:35:33,714 --> 00:35:35,424
- Oh, yeah.
- 'Cause you earned it.

595
00:35:35,508 --> 00:35:40,388
I did. I'm the best. I'm really good
at doing drugs, okay?

596
00:35:41,264 --> 00:35:44,976
- Better than you.
- I thought you did great.

597
00:35:45,059 --> 00:35:47,311
I don't know if I'm to jump in here,
but you did great.

598
00:35:47,395 --> 00:35:48,855
Honestly, great timing. Quick.

599
00:35:48,938 --> 00:35:51,274
You didn't take too long
to get to the jokes.

600
00:35:51,357 --> 00:35:53,985
Here's what I'm going to do.
I'm gonna pay for your dick surgery.

601
00:35:54,068 --> 00:35:55,403
Oh, my God. Thank you.

602
00:35:55,486 --> 00:35:56,988
- Really good.
- Thank you.

603
00:35:57,071 --> 00:35:58,781
Where's the bucket for that one?

604
00:36:02,869 --> 00:36:04,203
I thought you did great too.

605
00:36:04,287 --> 00:36:08,708
You had great confidence,
you know, mastery over your space,

606
00:36:08,791 --> 00:36:10,334
- which is hard.
- Thank you.

607
00:36:10,418 --> 00:36:13,087
And, uh, your material was really, uh,

608
00:36:13,838 --> 00:36:16,132
- timely and well-written.
- I try to be.

609
00:36:16,215 --> 00:36:21,721
I think you are gonna have a good future
in stand-up comedy.

610
00:36:21,804 --> 00:36:25,558
You have no idea what that means
coming from you, Rose-- Thank you.

611
00:36:25,641 --> 00:36:28,019
- Thank you.
- You're purely original too.

612
00:36:28,102 --> 00:36:30,188
- Thank you. When you sat down...
- Yeah.

613
00:36:30,271 --> 00:36:31,647
...I was like, oh, no, I don't know what--

614
00:36:31,731 --> 00:36:34,400
I don't know if I wanna know
what you think about me, but I really do.

615
00:36:34,483 --> 00:36:36,194
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Well, I loved you.

616
00:36:36,277 --> 00:36:39,030
- Thank you. That means the world to me.
- Thank you.

617
00:36:39,113 --> 00:36:41,824
- There you go, Timely Rain.
- You did it.

618
00:36:41,908 --> 00:36:44,076
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, guys.

619
00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:46,662
- Timely Rain, ladies and gentlemen.
- Thank you.

620
00:36:48,372 --> 00:36:54,128
Amazing, some incredible bucket pulls.
This is a very rare arena treat.

621
00:36:54,212 --> 00:36:57,840
Nobody has bent
under the pressure just yet.

622
00:36:57,924 --> 00:37:01,052
Bye, Timely. There you go.
All right, there you go.

623
00:37:01,135 --> 00:37:03,679
Ladies and gentlemen,

624
00:37:03,763 --> 00:37:05,765
make some noise

625
00:37:05,848 --> 00:37:11,020
for the one and only return
of Fiona Cauley, everybody.

626
00:37:33,459 --> 00:37:34,627
Hello.

627
00:37:36,921 --> 00:37:42,927
{\an8}Ah! Thank you.

628
00:37:46,097 --> 00:37:49,558
Oh, man.

629
00:37:52,770 --> 00:37:59,110
I... I have a one-year-old nephew
named Nico.

630
00:37:59,610 --> 00:38:03,155
He's a cute baby. We like him. Um...

631
00:38:04,073 --> 00:38:07,743
For Christmas, we went over to his house

632
00:38:08,327 --> 00:38:14,458
and he was sitting on the floor
in front of me, maintaining eye contact.

633
00:38:16,210 --> 00:38:19,672
It's never a good thing.

634
00:38:19,755 --> 00:38:25,845
And in this moment,
this fucking baby decides to stand up

635
00:38:25,928 --> 00:38:28,222
and take his first steps.

636
00:38:35,771 --> 00:38:37,273
Okay.

637
00:38:37,982 --> 00:38:40,067
The disrespect.

638
00:38:42,695 --> 00:38:43,946
Unfounded.

639
00:38:44,030 --> 00:38:48,617
Okay, why don't we fucking learn
how to read a room before we walk?

640
00:38:48,701 --> 00:38:52,496
You know?

641
00:38:52,580 --> 00:38:53,831
I, uh...

642
00:38:53,914 --> 00:38:56,876
I tripped him.

643
00:38:56,959 --> 00:39:00,504
Thank you so much.

644
00:39:00,588 --> 00:39:04,050
One of the greats, Fiona Cauley.

645
00:39:04,925 --> 00:39:06,093
My goodness.

646
00:39:06,927 --> 00:39:09,805
That is about as hard
as I've laughed all night.

647
00:39:09,889 --> 00:39:12,433
Just a hilarious premise.

648
00:39:12,516 --> 00:39:14,268
Absolutely amazing.

649
00:39:14,352 --> 00:39:15,353
Thank you.

650
00:39:15,436 --> 00:39:18,939
The kind of stuff where when you talk
about it, it's just you.

651
00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:25,446
You know? It is amazing, Fiona,
watching you grow in front of our eyes.

652
00:39:26,989 --> 00:39:31,285
Huge appearance on <i>The Tonight Show</i>
just a few months ago.

653
00:39:31,369 --> 00:39:35,581
Yeah.

654
00:39:35,664 --> 00:39:37,500
I went clean.

655
00:39:37,583 --> 00:39:38,459
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

656
00:39:38,542 --> 00:39:41,962
And now you're back on a real comedy show.
It must be exciting for you.

657
00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:48,719
Amazing. Fiona, tell us how life's going.

658
00:39:48,803 --> 00:39:51,180
- You look amazing.
- Thank you.

659
00:39:51,263 --> 00:39:54,475
I was worried I looked like an ice skater

660
00:39:54,558 --> 00:39:57,019
that had a bad accident, but...

661
00:39:59,313 --> 00:40:03,150
Yeah, just like can't let go
of my old life kind of thing, yeah.

662
00:40:03,234 --> 00:40:05,444
Incredible.

663
00:40:06,695 --> 00:40:07,822
What's going on?

664
00:40:07,905 --> 00:40:10,449
Well, I did... I am married now.

665
00:40:10,533 --> 00:40:11,617
- That happened.
- That's right.

666
00:40:11,700 --> 00:40:13,494
Yeah.

667
00:40:13,577 --> 00:40:16,080
Thank you. Yeah, two months.

668
00:40:16,664 --> 00:40:18,457
How's it going? How has life changed?

669
00:40:18,541 --> 00:40:20,709
- Have you noticed a difference?
- It is hard.

670
00:40:20,793 --> 00:40:23,421
- I'm just kidding. It's good. It's fun.
- Right.

671
00:40:23,504 --> 00:40:24,630
- Yeah.
- I loved it.

672
00:40:24,713 --> 00:40:27,842
- We went on our honeymoon...
- Oh, yeah.

673
00:40:27,925 --> 00:40:31,804
- ...to Cabo.
- Okay. What did you do there?

674
00:40:32,304 --> 00:40:37,726
Um, they don't like disabled people
in Mexico.

675
00:40:39,186 --> 00:40:42,398
- I had to learn that the hard way.
- Mm-hmm.

676
00:40:42,481 --> 00:40:44,400
We...

677
00:40:44,483 --> 00:40:46,652
We land in Cabo, right?

678
00:40:46,735 --> 00:40:52,241
And you know when you get off an airplane,
there's generally a jet bridge?

679
00:40:53,284 --> 00:40:54,243
Not here.

680
00:40:55,119 --> 00:40:58,080
- Oh, no.
- Yeah, it was a fucking flight of stairs

681
00:40:58,164 --> 00:40:59,373
to outside.

682
00:40:59,874 --> 00:41:03,085
All right, a little bit
of a parkour situation.

683
00:41:05,004 --> 00:41:07,882
- And I love a challenge, okay?
- Yeah.

684
00:41:07,965 --> 00:41:12,261
But, like, there was another disabled girl
on the plane.

685
00:41:12,344 --> 00:41:14,930
She was paralyzed from the waist down.

686
00:41:15,514 --> 00:41:18,559
And she looked at me
and was like, "What the fuck?"

687
00:41:20,478 --> 00:41:22,104
"What are we gonna do?"

688
00:41:22,188 --> 00:41:24,773
You know, and I was like,
they'll bring a lift.

689
00:41:25,274 --> 00:41:27,651
- Tony does, you know.
- Yeah.

690
00:41:27,735 --> 00:41:30,905
I do. It's an expensive lift too.

691
00:41:31,614 --> 00:41:33,115
- Yeah.
- So what happened?

692
00:41:33,199 --> 00:41:36,619
- Did they carry you down?
- This girl threw herself out

693
00:41:36,702 --> 00:41:38,329
of her airplane seat

694
00:41:38,913 --> 00:41:41,957
and then army-crawled down
the fucking stairs.

695
00:41:43,417 --> 00:41:45,544
It was the coolest thing I've ever seen.

696
00:41:45,628 --> 00:41:50,007
I tried to get a photo with her,
but she was too fast.

697
00:41:50,090 --> 00:41:52,051
Wow.

698
00:41:53,010 --> 00:41:55,638
Amazing. And how did you get down?

699
00:41:56,180 --> 00:41:57,932
- How did I get down?
- Yeah.

700
00:41:58,015 --> 00:42:00,768
I made my little fucking husband carry me.

701
00:42:00,851 --> 00:42:03,229
- Nice. You're damn right.
- Yeah. Yeah.

702
00:42:03,938 --> 00:42:06,815
You're damn right.

703
00:42:06,899 --> 00:42:08,734
Yeah.

704
00:42:09,818 --> 00:42:10,819
Amazing.

705
00:42:10,903 --> 00:42:14,240
- Guys, what do we think about Fiona?
- Oh, my God. First of all, I love...

706
00:42:16,825 --> 00:42:20,120
I love just your presence.
You're just naturally charismatic.

707
00:42:20,204 --> 00:42:22,748
You're funny. You're very self-aware.

708
00:42:22,831 --> 00:42:25,543
I love that you looked right at me
when you said Mexicans don't like you.

709
00:42:27,211 --> 00:42:29,630
I'm like, "Oh, my God. Yeah,
paralyzed people don't like me either."

710
00:42:29,713 --> 00:42:31,924
So...

711
00:42:32,007 --> 00:42:34,843
No, you're very funny. I just--

712
00:42:34,927 --> 00:42:37,054
It's no surprise
you were on <i>The Tonight Show.</i>

713
00:42:37,137 --> 00:42:39,765
And I wonder where they saw her first.

714
00:42:39,848 --> 00:42:41,725
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

715
00:42:41,809 --> 00:42:44,603
I wonder, again,
back to what Rob said, man.

716
00:42:44,687 --> 00:42:47,398
You have no idea how many comedians

717
00:42:48,691 --> 00:42:51,652
should be thanking you
for the platform that you've created.

718
00:42:52,319 --> 00:42:56,031
There's comedy shows that book people,
and there's comedy shows

719
00:42:56,115 --> 00:42:58,075
- that discover people.
- Yes.

720
00:42:58,158 --> 00:43:00,744
Yeah.

721
00:43:00,828 --> 00:43:02,496
- And there's... And there's...
- So...

722
00:43:02,580 --> 00:43:03,664
And there's comedy shows

723
00:43:03,747 --> 00:43:06,208
that let on crazy people.

724
00:43:06,292 --> 00:43:08,586
- Thank you. Thank you, Tony. Thank you.
- This is just as important.

725
00:43:08,669 --> 00:43:10,379
- But, I--
- This one does all three.

726
00:43:10,462 --> 00:43:12,548
- Yeah. Yeah.
- That's...

727
00:43:12,631 --> 00:43:14,800
Seriously, I could listen to you all day.

728
00:43:14,883 --> 00:43:18,220
I look forward to your comedy special
because I know you're gonna get one.

729
00:43:18,304 --> 00:43:20,889
- It'll take all day to listen to that.
- You are very funny.

730
00:43:20,973 --> 00:43:22,224
- Yeah.
- You were great.

731
00:43:22,308 --> 00:43:23,892
- You were very funny.
- Thank you.

732
00:43:23,976 --> 00:43:26,061
And honestly,
I thought you installed the lift for me,

733
00:43:26,145 --> 00:43:28,105
but I see what you were doing.

734
00:43:28,188 --> 00:43:30,941
I was like,
"This is convenient. No stairs today."

735
00:43:33,402 --> 00:43:34,903
You've got it. You've really got it.

736
00:43:34,987 --> 00:43:36,655
And I'm sorry I couldn't relate
to your plane story,

737
00:43:36,739 --> 00:43:39,658
'cause I fly private.
But other than that, the other--

738
00:43:39,742 --> 00:43:42,036
I mean, I can relate
to all the other stuff you said.

739
00:43:42,119 --> 00:43:43,871
It was really good.

740
00:43:43,954 --> 00:43:45,539
Yeah. Rob...

741
00:43:45,623 --> 00:43:48,167
Rob Schneider has a lift
for his private plane,

742
00:43:48,250 --> 00:43:50,669
and is fully capable of walking.

743
00:43:52,254 --> 00:43:55,424
Walking is for poor people, I agree.

744
00:43:55,507 --> 00:43:58,677
- Yeah. You--
- It's an old-fashioned way to get around.

745
00:43:58,761 --> 00:44:01,430
Like, grow up, you know, get a chair.

746
00:44:01,513 --> 00:44:04,391
But you bring people to you,
and that's really special.

747
00:44:04,475 --> 00:44:07,770
You bring people, and they want to hear
every word that you say, and you deliver.

748
00:44:07,853 --> 00:44:09,396
So, congrats. It was awesome tonight.

749
00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:11,774
- Thank you.
- Congratulations. Great job.

750
00:44:11,857 --> 00:44:17,112
Can I... Can I say,
you made kicking a baby funny.

751
00:44:17,196 --> 00:44:19,406
- Yeah.
- How? Wow.

752
00:44:19,490 --> 00:44:23,285
It was always funny.

753
00:44:25,829 --> 00:44:27,581
Let's check in
with the great Roseanne Barr.

754
00:44:27,665 --> 00:44:29,208
Yeah, I wanted...

755
00:44:29,291 --> 00:44:33,545
I wanted to say, you know,
your writing is impeccable.

756
00:44:33,629 --> 00:44:36,674
- Thank you.
- Your timing is stunning.

757
00:44:37,299 --> 00:44:41,720
I mean, I like all the stuff you say
under your breath and swallow.

758
00:44:42,388 --> 00:44:46,433
That-- You got, you know, it's like a...

759
00:44:47,142 --> 00:44:53,524
Well, it's very unique delivery.
And your story is just...

760
00:44:55,526 --> 00:44:59,655
just the story of watching you do it,
and I said this to you before,

761
00:44:59,738 --> 00:45:02,991
it's just such a triumphant spirit.

762
00:45:03,075 --> 00:45:08,038
And that you turn it
into such a healing magic of comedy,

763
00:45:08,122 --> 00:45:12,918
which is really what comedy can do.
And you're just great. You're just great.

764
00:45:15,295 --> 00:45:20,050
Thank you so much.
Seriously, it meant so much.

765
00:45:20,134 --> 00:45:25,889
My <i>Kill Tony</i> debut, Roseanne was there,
and it's so cool to see you now,

766
00:45:25,973 --> 00:45:29,059
like more than a year and a half later.

767
00:45:29,143 --> 00:45:32,688
I don't know. I'm very emotional.
This is very cool.

768
00:45:32,771 --> 00:45:35,149
- You're killing it.
- You're doing great.

769
00:45:36,191 --> 00:45:40,404
You're on your way to sucking
and fucking your way to the top, girl.

770
00:45:40,487 --> 00:45:42,531
That's right.

771
00:45:43,866 --> 00:45:46,910
Make some damn noise
for the great Fiona Cauley, everybody.

772
00:45:50,414 --> 00:45:56,295
Our very own, "You found her here,"
the great Fiona Cauley.

773
00:45:56,920 --> 00:45:58,130
Redban.

774
00:46:03,594 --> 00:46:06,430
Redban's still hitting the backup alarm.

775
00:46:09,725 --> 00:46:14,229
Let's see. We have a reverse camera
of Fiona that we always use here.

776
00:46:14,313 --> 00:46:16,064
You got Fiona getting out of here?

777
00:46:16,690 --> 00:46:19,026
One more time for Fiona.
There she is, everyone.

778
00:46:19,109 --> 00:46:21,528
Getting down on level ground.

779
00:46:21,612 --> 00:46:25,866
<i>Kill Tony</i> doing more than airlines
for the handicapped.

780
00:46:27,743 --> 00:46:29,953
All right.
I pulled another name out of the bucket.

781
00:46:30,037 --> 00:46:32,331
We're going to meet them all together.
This is a crazy name.

782
00:46:32,414 --> 00:46:35,751
Make some noise
for Elvis Bulldozier, everyone.

783
00:46:35,834 --> 00:46:40,130
Elvis Bulldozier.

784
00:46:53,811 --> 00:46:57,898
Hello, Austin!

785
00:46:57,981 --> 00:47:01,735
A guy talked to me the other day.
He says, "Hey, man, do you like cowboys?"

786
00:47:01,819 --> 00:47:03,445
I said, "Hell yeah, I like cowboys."

787
00:47:03,529 --> 00:47:06,031
"We live in Texas,
and there's cowboys everywhere."

788
00:47:06,824 --> 00:47:08,992
He says,
"Well, how do you feel about Westerns?"

789
00:47:09,076 --> 00:47:12,246
"Hell yeah, I like Westerns.
There's cowboys in them."

790
00:47:12,329 --> 00:47:14,414
"Well, how do you feel about camping?"

791
00:47:14,498 --> 00:47:17,042
"Well, camping is a cowboy's life."

792
00:47:17,125 --> 00:47:21,296
Anyways, we decided to go camping
up on this place called,

793
00:47:21,380 --> 00:47:23,215
yeah, Brokeback Mountain.

794
00:47:25,801 --> 00:47:28,679
I got real sleepy
after dinner for some reason.

795
00:47:28,762 --> 00:47:31,265
The next thing I know is it's morning.

796
00:47:32,224 --> 00:47:34,768
And you know
what I found out about camping?

797
00:47:34,852 --> 00:47:37,062
Camping makes my asshole sore.

798
00:47:39,147 --> 00:47:42,943
So much so, my asshole wrote me this note.

799
00:47:43,485 --> 00:47:47,239
It said, "I'll never quit. Your asshole."

800
00:47:49,032 --> 00:47:52,077
And funny thing was,
it was in my new buddy's handwriting.

801
00:47:54,371 --> 00:47:56,874
Don't worry, I'm gonna ask him
about it this weekend

802
00:47:56,957 --> 00:47:59,877
when we go hiking
up on Brokeback Mountain.

803
00:47:59,960 --> 00:48:02,004
No camping though, just hiking

804
00:48:02,087 --> 00:48:03,547
and good old anal sex.

805
00:48:03,630 --> 00:48:07,050
That's my time.

806
00:48:07,134 --> 00:48:11,555
All right, there's a return
to your normally scheduled program.

807
00:48:11,638 --> 00:48:14,099
Now, I've been here before.

808
00:48:14,182 --> 00:48:20,147
Just a crazy man bombing on stage.
We're back to normal <i>Kill Tony,</i> everyone.

809
00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:24,568
- Yeah.
- So, you've been on this show before.

810
00:48:24,651 --> 00:48:27,237
I remember you,
but the Elvis thing is new.

811
00:48:27,321 --> 00:48:30,198
You're trying to reinvent yourself
with a wig and glasses?

812
00:48:30,282 --> 00:48:33,076
Well, let me take my costume off.

813
00:48:33,160 --> 00:48:35,412
- You can remember me, okay?
- Okay, yep.

814
00:48:35,954 --> 00:48:37,873
- There you go.
- It's Forrest Gump.

815
00:48:37,956 --> 00:48:40,500
Okay, I still-- All right.

816
00:48:40,584 --> 00:48:44,212
- Yeah, I did the drum off.
- That's right, okay.

817
00:48:44,296 --> 00:48:46,924
The first annual drum off
with the guy with the cane.

818
00:48:47,007 --> 00:48:50,510
You have a little bit of wig hair
still on your shoulder there.

819
00:48:50,594 --> 00:48:53,805
On your shoulder, go like that.
No, the other shoulder.

820
00:48:54,640 --> 00:48:56,850
He was a really good drummer
last time, Tony.

821
00:48:56,934 --> 00:48:58,894
I don't have that much hair.

822
00:48:58,977 --> 00:49:00,062
You're perfect.

823
00:49:00,145 --> 00:49:03,357
So, remind us, how long have you been
attempting stand-up comedy?

824
00:49:03,440 --> 00:49:05,275
Well, this is about my 15th mic.

825
00:49:05,359 --> 00:49:06,568
- Fifteenth mic.
- Yeah.

826
00:49:06,652 --> 00:49:07,903
And you've been on <i>Kill Tony</i> twice,

827
00:49:07,986 --> 00:49:10,614
- so you really prefer--
- No, just the one time.

828
00:49:10,697 --> 00:49:12,532
- Right, this is your second time.
- Yes, sir.

829
00:49:12,616 --> 00:49:15,494
So, now you've been on twice.

830
00:49:15,577 --> 00:49:17,829
Yeah, one, one is two. Yeah, that's right.

831
00:49:18,413 --> 00:49:23,001
Absolutely. So, what made you turn
into this Elvis character? Why--

832
00:49:23,085 --> 00:49:24,586
You could have done all that

833
00:49:24,670 --> 00:49:27,339
without the Elvis hair... ...and glasses on.

834
00:49:28,507 --> 00:49:30,759
- The Elvis... The Elvis thing--
- I was-- I was excited.

835
00:49:30,842 --> 00:49:33,261
The Elvis thing didn't add
to the joke at all.

836
00:49:33,887 --> 00:49:35,555
I do Elvis, I do Elvis, but--

837
00:49:35,639 --> 00:49:38,725
I know, but the Elvis didn't have anything
to do with the joke.

838
00:49:38,809 --> 00:49:40,769
- That's all.
- No, not really.

839
00:49:40,852 --> 00:49:43,105
- I mean, I've got an Elvis joke.
- No, but I will tell you, Elvis,

840
00:49:43,188 --> 00:49:45,440
tonight you did reset the bar.

841
00:49:45,524 --> 00:49:48,568
Tell us something crazy
about your life that we don't know.

842
00:49:49,486 --> 00:49:51,613
Uh, that's good. I'm glad you asked that.

843
00:49:51,697 --> 00:49:57,119
I'm a Gunner's Mate, second class,
1981-85 on the USS Mount Vernon, LSD-39.

844
00:49:59,871 --> 00:50:03,583
Thank you for your service,
not in comedy. I'm sorry.

845
00:50:04,960 --> 00:50:07,504
I adopted out 57 kittens.

846
00:50:08,255 --> 00:50:09,381
- What?
- Yep.

847
00:50:09,923 --> 00:50:12,134
I had a lot of cats
in the garage one night,

848
00:50:12,217 --> 00:50:14,344
and I realized that I had
two pregnant cats in the garage

849
00:50:14,428 --> 00:50:16,847
and one on the front porch,
and that's how that started.

850
00:50:16,930 --> 00:50:18,473
- Wow.
- So, I adopted out 57.

851
00:50:18,557 --> 00:50:21,184
I lost about 60 outside cats.

852
00:50:21,935 --> 00:50:24,021
And I've written a book about it.

853
00:50:24,104 --> 00:50:26,857
You adopted out 57 kids?

854
00:50:26,940 --> 00:50:28,191
Fifty-seven kittens.

855
00:50:28,275 --> 00:50:29,901
- Question.
- Oh, kittens.

856
00:50:29,985 --> 00:50:33,113
Is that hair made out of one of the cats?
I'm just questioning.

857
00:50:33,822 --> 00:50:35,615
Possibly, possibly.

858
00:50:35,699 --> 00:50:38,201
What made you want to have so many cats?

859
00:50:38,285 --> 00:50:40,829
- That's fucking nuts.
- That is nuts.

860
00:50:40,912 --> 00:50:44,458
It just started off as those three,
those three litters at one time.

861
00:50:44,541 --> 00:50:48,503
And... So I'm walking
in the Woodlands Mall with a cart

862
00:50:48,587 --> 00:50:51,757
with kittens in it with a sign
on the front that says "Free kittens."

863
00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:56,303
It's pathetic, but it worked.
But yeah, I adopted out a lot of kittens.

864
00:50:57,721 --> 00:51:02,392
This crowd hates
adopting kittens, obviously.

865
00:51:02,476 --> 00:51:05,479
We have found a crowd
that wants all kittens to die.

866
00:51:05,562 --> 00:51:07,314
Horrible people!

867
00:51:08,106 --> 00:51:11,943
Horrible people that don't like kittens?

868
00:51:12,027 --> 00:51:14,863
- What kind of audience--
- Oh, my God, what is this?

869
00:51:14,946 --> 00:51:18,742
What a bunch of-- Who boos kittens?

870
00:51:21,203 --> 00:51:25,832
You guys are bad people.
All right. Well, Elvis.

871
00:51:25,916 --> 00:51:30,962
Well, your joke
about anal sex, that sucked.

872
00:51:33,965 --> 00:51:39,262
It wasn't funny at all. Anal sex
is not enjoyable, nor is it funny.

873
00:51:40,514 --> 00:51:43,308
- It's not.
- I'm going to take your word for that.

874
00:51:43,391 --> 00:51:46,478
There he goes,
ladies and gentlemen, Elvis Bulldozier.

875
00:51:46,561 --> 00:51:47,604
- Thank you, Elvis.
- Thank you.

876
00:51:47,687 --> 00:51:50,065
Good luck, brother.

877
00:51:50,148 --> 00:51:53,026
Elvis, everybody. There he goes.

878
00:51:53,110 --> 00:51:54,778
A little reset here.

879
00:51:54,861 --> 00:51:56,738
This is absolutely incredible.

880
00:51:56,822 --> 00:52:01,034
This guy, two appearances all time
on the show

881
00:52:01,118 --> 00:52:05,622
and yet another huge frontrunner
for Guest of the Year.

882
00:52:05,705 --> 00:52:10,919
Make some noise
for the one and only Carrot Top!

883
00:52:24,474 --> 00:52:25,809
Legends. Legends.

884
00:52:25,892 --> 00:52:28,603
Don't get up. Don't get up.
Fuck, don't get up.

885
00:52:28,687 --> 00:52:31,940
You get up. Don't get up. Thank you, band.

886
00:52:32,732 --> 00:52:33,692
Crowd.

887
00:52:35,110 --> 00:52:37,445
You guys are awesome. Oh, fuck.

888
00:52:38,697 --> 00:52:42,117
{\an8}Oh! All right, everybody. Everybody.

889
00:52:45,745 --> 00:52:48,165
{\an8}I only have one joke,
so play one more song.

890
00:52:48,790 --> 00:52:50,500
Everybody get what
they want for Christmas?

891
00:52:50,584 --> 00:52:52,127
Did y'all get
what you wanted for Christmas?

892
00:52:52,210 --> 00:52:54,171
I don't know what I got.

893
00:52:54,254 --> 00:52:56,214
I've been waiting
for this show to open this thing.

894
00:52:56,298 --> 00:52:58,675
And when you're a kid, you shake it like,

895
00:52:58,758 --> 00:53:00,427
"Oh, God, it could be a cock ring."

896
00:53:02,220 --> 00:53:04,222
I'd always do that to my dad.
"Is it a cock ring?"

897
00:53:04,306 --> 00:53:05,515
And he's like, "What the fuck's a cock--"

898
00:53:05,599 --> 00:53:09,519
And then they got me one.
And my dad's like, "Well, go try it on."

899
00:53:11,146 --> 00:53:13,106
This, I don't even know what this is.

900
00:53:13,190 --> 00:53:16,443
We're going to find out.
It's very exciting.

901
00:53:16,526 --> 00:53:19,362
I think it's-- Oh, fuck,
it's P. Diddy's backpack.

902
00:53:21,031 --> 00:53:24,534
That's fucking--
That's the shit right there.

903
00:53:24,618 --> 00:53:28,955
I've always wanted that for Christmas.
P. Diddy's backpack.

904
00:53:29,831 --> 00:53:33,210
Yeah, I mean, it's on Netflix.
Let's get some money out of that one.

905
00:53:35,128 --> 00:53:38,089
This is a beer for lesbians.
See, that way they can...

906
00:53:39,049 --> 00:53:42,052
Or, no, or anybody. Or anybody.

907
00:53:43,011 --> 00:53:45,847
To get guys to drink Bud Light again,
you know what I mean?

908
00:53:47,349 --> 00:53:50,560
Right? Sorry. I'm going
to put all this shit on your band thing.

909
00:53:51,353 --> 00:53:55,023
This was Pee Wee Herman's doll.
Have you ever seen the Pee Wee? Have you?

910
00:53:55,649 --> 00:53:58,443
You got to...

911
00:53:58,526 --> 00:54:02,155
Fuck. Oh, my God.
You guys are fun, by the way.

912
00:54:02,239 --> 00:54:04,532
This next one is really...

913
00:54:04,616 --> 00:54:07,827
...is really weird
to do with you sitting here, Fluffy.

914
00:54:07,911 --> 00:54:09,871
But I found your buffet tray.

915
00:54:09,955 --> 00:54:12,290
And I don't know if you know.
I don't know.

916
00:54:12,374 --> 00:54:15,126
And I love you. You know I love you.

917
00:54:17,170 --> 00:54:18,338
Oh, wait, there's more.

918
00:54:20,507 --> 00:54:21,716
See, it even has a...

919
00:54:22,425 --> 00:54:25,428
It even put a fucking bell on it.
You got to have...

920
00:54:26,304 --> 00:54:29,474
In fact, hold on.
I'm making a whole bunch of shit.

921
00:54:30,642 --> 00:54:32,519
This is fun. Bring this on the plane,

922
00:54:32,602 --> 00:54:34,354
and when the guy
next to you falls asleep, wake him up.

923
00:54:34,437 --> 00:54:37,649
"Dude, we're going fucking down,
all right?" You're like...

924
00:54:40,527 --> 00:54:42,779
These are skinny jeans
for fat guys right there.

925
00:54:42,862 --> 00:54:45,282
That's... That's...

926
00:54:45,365 --> 00:54:48,785
If you could put them on,
that would be really funny.

927
00:54:49,661 --> 00:54:52,580
I'm making a mess.
Oh, my God, they found the Chiefs' helmet.

928
00:54:52,664 --> 00:54:55,458
They have the Chiefs' new helmet.
Have you seen it that came out?

929
00:54:55,542 --> 00:54:58,795
I kind of did the Dallas one,
but I figured...

930
00:55:02,924 --> 00:55:06,344
Fuck. All right. I'm making friends, baby.

931
00:55:08,096 --> 00:55:10,056
This is great. This one took engineering.

932
00:55:10,140 --> 00:55:12,475
This is a purse... ...for you women.

933
00:55:12,559 --> 00:55:15,812
If a woman needs a tampon,
you can shoot it to her across the bar.

934
00:55:15,895 --> 00:55:17,355
Just...

935
00:55:17,439 --> 00:55:20,108
Oh, shit. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Sorry, Roseanne.

936
00:55:20,191 --> 00:55:21,526
Sorry. Oh, fuck.

937
00:55:22,444 --> 00:55:24,070
I come up with all this shit,

938
00:55:24,154 --> 00:55:25,989
and then the kids
in the sweatshop build it,

939
00:55:26,072 --> 00:55:29,117
but I write it all.

940
00:55:29,200 --> 00:55:31,453
It's another purse.
It's a purse for women.

941
00:55:31,536 --> 00:55:33,705
When you go to the bar,
you can decide what guy to bring home.

942
00:55:33,788 --> 00:55:36,750
You just gotta... Yeah.

943
00:55:36,833 --> 00:55:40,045
See, it's a big dick or a--
You know what I'm talking about, right?

944
00:55:40,837 --> 00:55:43,798
That's the least favorite one so far.

945
00:55:43,882 --> 00:55:47,218
It's like, "Why can't you be
like your brothers? They did so good."

946
00:55:48,053 --> 00:55:51,431
This is a purse for hookers.
See, that way they can just get rid of...

947
00:55:51,514 --> 00:55:53,308
It's a...

948
00:55:53,391 --> 00:55:57,562
That's how old this joke is.
That's an old bitch right there. That is...

949
00:55:58,396 --> 00:56:00,857
That is an old bitch.
Wait, I have more New Year's shit.

950
00:56:00,940 --> 00:56:02,650
Did I bring my New Year's shit?

951
00:56:03,318 --> 00:56:05,820
We have a box of New Year's shit
that came all the way from--

952
00:56:05,904 --> 00:56:07,906
Here comes my...

953
00:56:07,989 --> 00:56:10,575
There's my kids
in the sweatshop. Thank you.

954
00:56:11,284 --> 00:56:13,328
Oh, my God. Thank you, guys.
Thank you so much.

955
00:56:13,411 --> 00:56:17,165
Thank you. Thank you.
You have a nice box. Beautiful, beautiful.

956
00:56:19,709 --> 00:56:23,546
{\an8}This one I just made. I mean, literally,
I just made this backstage.

957
00:56:23,630 --> 00:56:24,714
{\an8}This is... This is...

958
00:56:24,798 --> 00:56:26,800
{\an8}...Charlie Sheen's Dustbuster. Now, look.

959
00:56:26,883 --> 00:56:30,345
But wait. Wait. Oh, fuck.

960
00:56:31,596 --> 00:56:34,724
You can tell I'm not a stand-up comic.
There's a fucking microphone right there.

961
00:56:34,808 --> 00:56:38,186
Watch this shit.
Wait, watch. Watch. You got to see this.

962
00:56:39,729 --> 00:56:41,606
Now, watch.

963
00:56:41,689 --> 00:56:44,651
Wait. It gets better.
Watch this fucking thing.

964
00:56:48,655 --> 00:56:52,492
It sucks. It sucks. Right up.

965
00:56:53,827 --> 00:56:55,036
See, I clean up.

966
00:56:55,578 --> 00:56:57,747
- Here, I have some...
- Oh, thanks.

967
00:56:57,831 --> 00:57:00,792
Okay. I'm doing longer
than I was supposed to.

968
00:57:00,875 --> 00:57:03,253
I'll do one more too--
Shit, this fucking thing. Sorry.

969
00:57:03,336 --> 00:57:05,422
- Is it okay if I do? All right.
- You're good, you're good.

970
00:57:05,505 --> 00:57:08,508
All right. You guys are hot.

971
00:57:10,677 --> 00:57:11,594
You guys are hot.

972
00:57:12,929 --> 00:57:15,348
All right, this is just for women now.
This is for tonight.

973
00:57:15,432 --> 00:57:17,016
New Year's Eve, when you get drunk,

974
00:57:17,100 --> 00:57:19,936
it's a toilet seat that holds your hair
when you throw up.

975
00:57:23,106 --> 00:57:27,318
So, guys don't have to fucking shit.
That one did okay.

976
00:57:29,737 --> 00:57:32,407
And the holidays...
...the holidays were just here.

977
00:57:32,490 --> 00:57:34,742
It's a toilet seat so people can't take
a shit when they come to your house.

978
00:57:34,826 --> 00:57:38,329
See that way?

979
00:57:38,955 --> 00:57:41,583
All right, let's find one more.

980
00:57:42,167 --> 00:57:45,170
Wait, I've got to do this one.
I mean, it's just for tonight.

981
00:57:45,253 --> 00:57:46,754
If it's for someone that's alone

982
00:57:46,838 --> 00:57:48,882
and they have someone
they can toast with by themselves.

983
00:57:50,758 --> 00:57:53,511
Can you hear this?
"Happy New Year, Chuck."

984
00:57:56,514 --> 00:57:59,017
"You too, Scott."

985
00:58:00,351 --> 00:58:02,103
You guys are really fun, holy shit.

986
00:58:02,729 --> 00:58:06,232
This next one... This next...
I'm outta... I'm old, fuck.

987
00:58:06,983 --> 00:58:10,195
This next one,
thank you, thank you, thank you.

988
00:58:10,278 --> 00:58:14,073
Oh! I could die. Thank you.

989
00:58:16,284 --> 00:58:19,454
Now, before-- Thank you.
Oh, my mom and dad are here,

990
00:58:19,537 --> 00:58:21,456
thank you, Mom and Dad, thank you.

991
00:58:21,539 --> 00:58:24,209
Now, before I lose my career
over this one,

992
00:58:24,292 --> 00:58:29,255
I honestly shipped it here thinking,
this is how old this joke is, this is bad.

993
00:58:30,006 --> 00:58:31,925
This is a belt for Richard Gere...

994
00:58:32,717 --> 00:58:36,304
so... so his gerbil can exercise
when he comes out.

995
00:58:38,431 --> 00:58:42,018
Now, I'm probably going
to need a lawyer tonight.

996
00:58:43,937 --> 00:58:46,314
All right, the last one for you guys,
and this is honest from me to you.

997
00:58:46,397 --> 00:58:48,358
Meeting your--
When you go drinking tonight,

998
00:58:48,441 --> 00:58:50,401
make your friends wear this, right?

999
00:58:50,485 --> 00:58:52,153
So, when they get drunk and they pass out,

1000
00:58:52,237 --> 00:58:55,156
just leave them wherever the hell they are
where they lay and they're drunk.

1001
00:58:58,368 --> 00:59:00,745
Happy New Year, everybody!

1002
00:59:00,828 --> 00:59:04,666
Carrot Top, ladies and gentlemen,
has done it again.

1003
00:59:06,459 --> 00:59:10,964
A 100% batting average.

1004
00:59:12,966 --> 00:59:18,137
One of the greatest in the show's history,
the great Carrot Top.

1005
00:59:19,514 --> 00:59:20,807
- You keep kiss--
- God bless everybody.

1006
00:59:20,890 --> 00:59:23,601
- God bless you. Thanks for the love.
- You keep kissing me like that,

1007
00:59:23,685 --> 00:59:26,312
I'll end up being Carrot Bottom
by the end of the night.

1008
00:59:26,396 --> 00:59:28,439
Ladies and gentlemen,

1009
00:59:28,523 --> 00:59:31,693
one of the greatest regulars
in the show's history.

1010
00:59:31,776 --> 00:59:36,155
A boy who has accomplished
a great many things

1011
00:59:36,239 --> 00:59:39,784
coming from such a faraway land.

1012
00:59:39,867 --> 00:59:45,582
And one day, without a doubt,
very soon, he will be an American citizen.

1013
00:59:46,624 --> 00:59:52,714
But today, he remains
the Estonian Assassin, Ari Matti!

1014
01:00:45,183 --> 01:00:49,270
Do you guys know what a BBL is?

1015
01:00:51,147 --> 01:00:53,524
Brazilian butt lift.

1016
01:00:54,859 --> 01:00:57,362
I don't really want a girl with a BBL,

1017
01:00:57,445 --> 01:00:59,864
'cause the last thing I need

1018
01:00:59,947 --> 01:01:02,158
is distance.

1019
01:01:06,788 --> 01:01:10,208
Girl, you get a BBL,
your pussy is in no danger.

1020
01:01:11,376 --> 01:01:14,003
My dick is going
to be in the hallway, fucking...

1021
01:01:18,800 --> 01:01:22,011
I might have a small dick,
but you know what else I have?

1022
01:01:22,095 --> 01:01:24,472
Great breakfast.

1023
01:01:26,808 --> 01:01:27,892
That's what matters

1024
01:01:27,975 --> 01:01:31,813
when you're dating women
in their thirties. The overall package.

1025
01:01:33,564 --> 01:01:37,694
You wake up at my place,
you get a goat cheese omelet. Bam!

1026
01:01:38,569 --> 01:01:40,697
Cherry tomatoes in the omelet.

1027
01:01:42,115 --> 01:01:44,450
Not too hot, just squishy enough.

1028
01:01:46,035 --> 01:01:49,205
When that omelet hits your mouth,
you'll forget about the dick.

1029
01:01:51,666 --> 01:01:56,045
Small-dick men have nice apartments.

1030
01:01:57,755 --> 01:02:02,009
Dude, I have a fucking USB-C port
in my couch.

1031
01:02:03,052 --> 01:02:05,430
Candles and feng shui.

1032
01:02:06,973 --> 01:02:09,976
You ever go over
to a big dick motherfucker's apartment?

1033
01:02:10,727 --> 01:02:12,520
The bed frame is missing.

1034
01:02:14,564 --> 01:02:16,524
There's a creepy roommate.

1035
01:02:17,316 --> 01:02:19,819
Ice cubes taste like vegetables.

1036
01:02:22,655 --> 01:02:26,993
The TV remote, the batteries are in,
but the back is missing.

1037
01:02:32,749 --> 01:02:36,335
A big dick motherfucker
will fuck you for 15 minutes

1038
01:02:36,419 --> 01:02:38,963
and then it's 23 hours of nothing.

1039
01:02:40,381 --> 01:02:42,759
I'll fuck you for four minutes...

1040
01:02:43,551 --> 01:02:46,345
and we have a full day of activities.

1041
01:02:48,514 --> 01:02:50,683
We go hiking.

1042
01:02:50,767 --> 01:02:52,435
We play Monopoly.

1043
01:02:53,394 --> 01:02:55,772
I tell you about my dead mother.

1044
01:02:57,273 --> 01:03:00,276
Russia and Ukraine conflict. I explain it.

1045
01:03:02,987 --> 01:03:04,822
You're learning, bitch.

1046
01:03:07,325 --> 01:03:09,577
I have a Helix sleep mattress.

1047
01:03:10,536 --> 01:03:13,164
Body-temperature-regulating.

1048
01:03:15,166 --> 01:03:17,752
Sure, big dicks are great.
You know what's better?

1049
01:03:17,835 --> 01:03:22,632
REM sleep.

1050
01:03:23,382 --> 01:03:26,677
You wake up at my place fresh.

1051
01:03:27,345 --> 01:03:28,846
Pussy, no damage.

1052
01:03:32,099 --> 01:03:34,227
You leave my place,
there's no walk of shame.

1053
01:03:34,310 --> 01:03:36,729
There's the stroll of employment.
You're gonna...

1054
01:03:38,606 --> 01:03:40,525
You're gonna nail that interview, baby.

1055
01:03:43,903 --> 01:03:48,407
Small-dick men are the hardest-working
people on this planet.

1056
01:03:49,492 --> 01:03:53,371
Everybody who's got
a good ticket tonight has a tiny cock.

1057
01:03:56,415 --> 01:03:59,627
I know a lot of comedians with huge hogs.

1058
01:04:00,920 --> 01:04:02,421
None of them are here.

1059
01:04:12,890 --> 01:04:16,185
Who's the biggest economic force
in the world?

1060
01:04:16,769 --> 01:04:18,062
China.

1061
01:04:22,149 --> 01:04:25,653
Only a tiny-dick motherfucker
will work for Temu,

1062
01:04:26,362 --> 01:04:28,823
make you a Shrek mask for 90 cents.

1063
01:04:30,116 --> 01:04:32,577
Have you ever been to China?
They're the fucking future.

1064
01:04:32,660 --> 01:04:35,746
AI's building roads,
their fucking alphabet,

1065
01:04:35,830 --> 01:04:38,291
one symbol means 700 different things.

1066
01:04:42,169 --> 01:04:44,213
Have you ever been to Africa?

1067
01:04:54,265 --> 01:04:59,312
They don't even have asphalt.
They got no Wi-Fi, tiny huts, big dicks.

1068
01:05:01,063 --> 01:05:04,191
You don't need ChatGPT when you got a BBC.

1069
01:05:06,569 --> 01:05:08,654
I love you, Austin, Texas.
Thank you guys so much.

1070
01:05:08,738 --> 01:05:10,448
I mean, holy shit.

1071
01:05:10,531 --> 01:05:12,825
Un-fucking-believable.

1072
01:05:12,909 --> 01:05:17,246
Full standing ovation
from the arena. The full panel.

1073
01:05:19,707 --> 01:05:25,171
Unbelievable.
The one and only Ari Matti, everybody.

1074
01:05:25,254 --> 01:05:29,258
With Ari!
What has to be the set of the night.

1075
01:05:29,342 --> 01:05:31,302
- This guy's trying to get citizenship...
- Hell yeah.

1076
01:05:31,385 --> 01:05:33,387
...on the spot here tonight.

1077
01:05:35,431 --> 01:05:39,518
Ari, can I just start off by saying
the last couple times I saw you, man,

1078
01:05:39,602 --> 01:05:45,024
you were rocking a tracksuit,
and now it's New Year's, you look sharp.

1079
01:05:45,107 --> 01:05:48,069
Oh, my!

1080
01:05:48,152 --> 01:05:52,657
Thank you, Gabriel.
I just invested in a daycare in Minnesota.

1081
01:05:56,327 --> 01:05:58,204
My Somalian brothers.

1082
01:05:59,538 --> 01:06:01,499
I got this to say, Ari,

1083
01:06:01,582 --> 01:06:05,753
the next superstar comedian
in the world has a small dick.

1084
01:06:09,465 --> 01:06:12,593
It is true.
Everything you said checks out.

1085
01:06:12,677 --> 01:06:14,804
I indeed have no bed frame.

1086
01:06:14,887 --> 01:06:16,889
My ice tastes like vegetables.

1087
01:06:16,973 --> 01:06:19,850
You are spot on about everything.

1088
01:06:22,144 --> 01:06:24,438
That is amazing. Roseanne Barr?

1089
01:06:24,522 --> 01:06:28,442
I would have to say,
having had lots of dicks,

1090
01:06:28,526 --> 01:06:31,278
as I referenced
at the beginning of the show...

1091
01:06:32,780 --> 01:06:35,825
you are absolutely correct about the...

1092
01:06:35,908 --> 01:06:38,119
...about the supremacy

1093
01:06:38,202 --> 01:06:41,497
of the small-dick man. Absolutely.

1094
01:06:42,039 --> 01:06:43,165
One hundred percent.

1095
01:06:43,249 --> 01:06:46,168
- One hundred fucking percent, brother.
- We work hard.

1096
01:06:46,711 --> 01:06:47,962
That's right.

1097
01:06:48,045 --> 01:06:50,506
I want to thank you
for getting it out there,

1098
01:06:50,589 --> 01:06:53,092
- the benefits that we provide.
- Exactly.

1099
01:06:54,385 --> 01:06:57,221
Do you want to be in
a basement apartment with a big-dick guy,

1100
01:06:57,304 --> 01:06:59,849
or you want to be
in the penthouse with me?

1101
01:07:03,519 --> 01:07:05,396
Absolutely.

1102
01:07:05,479 --> 01:07:08,065
You are a prophet, is what you are.

1103
01:07:10,735 --> 01:07:13,904
It is very powerful,
the joke, the material.

1104
01:07:13,988 --> 01:07:16,449
I've been talking with you
throughout the week

1105
01:07:16,532 --> 01:07:19,618
about this set and, you know,

1106
01:07:19,702 --> 01:07:21,620
- trying to keep it tight.
- Oh, yeah.

1107
01:07:21,704 --> 01:07:23,539
And I've been asking you,
and you said it's kind of a problem.

1108
01:07:23,622 --> 01:07:24,749
- It's very long.
- Dude, yeah,

1109
01:07:24,832 --> 01:07:27,293
last night it was like
seven-and-a-half minutes,

1110
01:07:27,376 --> 01:07:29,879
and I was like, "Oh, fuck."

1111
01:07:29,962 --> 01:07:33,340
And I don't know,
I don't like to get too stiff either,

1112
01:07:33,424 --> 01:07:36,469
like, to plan it too much.
I'll just see what the punchlines--

1113
01:07:36,552 --> 01:07:39,096
If I know the ending, I know I'm okay.

1114
01:07:39,180 --> 01:07:41,766
Um, but I was just... Fun.

1115
01:07:41,849 --> 01:07:44,727
Well, you kept it short,
and like you said throughout the set,

1116
01:07:44,810 --> 01:07:45,895
shorter is better.

1117
01:07:45,978 --> 01:07:47,313
- Yes.
- Shorter is better.

1118
01:07:47,396 --> 01:07:50,191
It's funny how the longer set
might not have worked so well.

1119
01:07:50,274 --> 01:07:52,610
- Seven and a half is pretty beefy.
- Yeah, pretty beefy.

1120
01:07:52,693 --> 01:07:55,738
You know, you have a perfect example
of length in your pants.

1121
01:07:57,239 --> 01:08:00,242
No, but let me say,
that was a masterclass, honey.

1122
01:08:00,326 --> 01:08:02,703
Oh, thank you.
I really appreciate. You're very sweet.

1123
01:08:02,787 --> 01:08:05,915
You're the only comedian
who took advantage of the entire stage...

1124
01:08:05,998 --> 01:08:07,166
- Yeah.
- ...and had the presence.

1125
01:08:07,249 --> 01:08:09,585
- Oh, thank you.
- And you are

1126
01:08:09,668 --> 01:08:12,838
a fucking huge star already, my friend.

1127
01:08:12,922 --> 01:08:14,131
- Yeah.
- Thank you.

1128
01:08:14,215 --> 01:08:15,424
- Yes, he is.
- Massive.

1129
01:08:17,468 --> 01:08:22,056
It's just amazing, Ari.
You are undeniable. Fluffy.

1130
01:08:22,139 --> 01:08:26,477
Can I say, I saw you perform easily
five times this year.

1131
01:08:26,560 --> 01:08:30,731
And each time I see you perform,
I'm like, "Any minute now, man."

1132
01:08:30,815 --> 01:08:32,525
- Wow. Thank you.
- "Any minute now." So,

1133
01:08:32,608 --> 01:08:34,485
- I watched--
- I hope to be as big as you.

1134
01:08:34,568 --> 01:08:36,320
Keep eating, bro. Keep eating.

1135
01:08:36,403 --> 01:08:38,155
You'll get there. Trust me.

1136
01:08:38,239 --> 01:08:41,325
Thank you. That's very sweet. Thank you.

1137
01:08:41,909 --> 01:08:45,704
But yeah, each time I see you, man,
you are funnier and funnier.

1138
01:08:45,788 --> 01:08:47,540
Yeah, I try to use this platform.

1139
01:08:47,623 --> 01:08:51,127
Being a regular is such a huge honor,
not to only showcase your skills,

1140
01:08:51,210 --> 01:08:53,462
but to only improve your joke writing.

1141
01:08:53,546 --> 01:08:55,714
So, I've tried
to take full advantage of it.

1142
01:08:55,798 --> 01:08:58,259
Take it... Take it...

1143
01:08:58,342 --> 01:09:02,596
Take it from this guy,
who's a huge star who can't find his dick.

1144
01:09:02,680 --> 01:09:06,809
And that's unbelievable. He loves you.

1145
01:09:06,892 --> 01:09:09,520
- Ari, you did it again. You are just...
- Wow. Thank you, guys, so much.

1146
01:09:09,603 --> 01:09:12,523
- ...an absolute fucking saint and angel.
- Unbelievable.

1147
01:09:13,232 --> 01:09:15,901
The Estonian Assassin,
ladies and gentlemen.

1148
01:09:17,820 --> 01:09:20,447
An undeniable force of nature.

1149
01:09:22,074 --> 01:09:23,701
With what has to be...

1150
01:09:27,204 --> 01:09:30,332
Amazing stuff, buddy.
There he goes. Ari Matti, everybody.

1151
01:09:32,960 --> 01:09:37,756
How awesome. Ladies and gentlemen,
your next comedian won this spot

1152
01:09:37,840 --> 01:09:40,009
at Madison Square Garden...

1153
01:09:40,092 --> 01:09:42,678
- Oh, Pauly!
- ...in a four-person playoff.

1154
01:09:42,761 --> 01:09:46,640
Make some noise for the return
of Danny Martinello, ladies and gentlemen.

1155
01:09:46,724 --> 01:09:50,227
Here comes Danny.

1156
01:09:50,311 --> 01:09:53,981
From the great country of Canada,
Danny Martinello, everyone.

1157
01:09:54,064 --> 01:09:58,777
Austin, make some fucking noise!

1158
01:09:58,861 --> 01:10:01,197
{\an8}I love this city.
I've been living here for a year,

1159
01:10:01,280 --> 01:10:03,782
{\an8}and you guys
made me fall in love with America.

1160
01:10:05,618 --> 01:10:09,163
{\an8}Thank you. All it took was watching
a flyover at a Longhorns game

1161
01:10:09,246 --> 01:10:12,041
and seeing the assertion
of aerial dominance.

1162
01:10:13,876 --> 01:10:17,713
That's all it was. All it took was...

1163
01:10:17,796 --> 01:10:20,549
And immediately I said, "Who's got oil?"

1164
01:10:21,550 --> 01:10:22,509
That's what I said.

1165
01:10:22,593 --> 01:10:24,261
I'm not even American,
and I pledged allegiance

1166
01:10:24,345 --> 01:10:27,973
to the flag for liberty and justice
and said, "Let's fucking invade!"

1167
01:10:30,309 --> 01:10:33,103
And I like America because you guys
are proud of your military.

1168
01:10:33,187 --> 01:10:36,023
You guys have museums everywhere.
I was traveling through...

1169
01:10:36,106 --> 01:10:38,359
I was traveling through Tennessee,

1170
01:10:38,442 --> 01:10:42,863
and I saw a World War II museum
for female fighter pilots.

1171
01:10:43,948 --> 01:10:47,326
Female fighter pilots. World War II.

1172
01:10:47,409 --> 01:10:49,495
I didn't even know you girls
were flying planes.

1173
01:10:49,578 --> 01:10:51,872
I thought you were just sewing flags
for the war.

1174
01:10:53,207 --> 01:10:55,501
I had to go in.
I had to see it. I was there.

1175
01:10:55,584 --> 01:10:57,836
Two planes? Both were crashed.

1176
01:10:59,630 --> 01:11:01,090
They didn't even see service.

1177
01:11:01,173 --> 01:11:03,717
The girls were just parking it.
That was the crazy part.

1178
01:11:05,052 --> 01:11:09,181
And then I started thinking,
if you guys had female fighter pilots,

1179
01:11:09,265 --> 01:11:12,935
maybe Japan just had
female co-pilots the whole war.

1180
01:11:15,145 --> 01:11:16,313
Can you imagine that?

1181
01:11:16,397 --> 01:11:20,859
Flying seven hours over the Pacific
and all you hear is, "Are we there yet?"

1182
01:11:22,111 --> 01:11:23,570
"Is that the right harbor?"

1183
01:11:23,654 --> 01:11:25,239
"You're just like your mother."

1184
01:11:25,990 --> 01:11:28,659
But they were Japanese,
so all it would sound like is...

1185
01:11:41,130 --> 01:11:43,132
Thank you, guys.
My name's Danny Martinello.

1186
01:11:43,215 --> 01:11:45,384
Danny Martinello.

1187
01:11:45,467 --> 01:11:46,385
Great set, buddy.

1188
01:11:46,468 --> 01:11:48,512
- Thanks, Tony.
- Hell yeah.

1189
01:11:49,596 --> 01:11:51,724
- You're back.
- I'm back, buddy.

1190
01:11:51,807 --> 01:11:54,268
- That was great.
- Thanks. I appreciate it.

1191
01:11:54,351 --> 01:11:56,478
- Yeah. Of course.
- Brother, you came out swinging.

1192
01:11:56,562 --> 01:11:59,398
I enjoyed the fact
that you wasted no time.

1193
01:11:59,481 --> 01:12:02,067
You moved the mic stand
and you jumped right into your set.

1194
01:12:02,151 --> 01:12:05,571
And you were 100% energy
from the beginning to the end.

1195
01:12:05,654 --> 01:12:08,324
- Thanks, Gabriel. That means a lot.
- Yeah, man.

1196
01:12:08,407 --> 01:12:11,327
- You hate women. I love it.
- No, I love women.

1197
01:12:11,410 --> 01:12:15,372
I wouldn't be where I am if it wasn't
for a good group of beautiful girls.

1198
01:12:15,456 --> 01:12:18,667
My mom's the best person I know
in the world, and without her,

1199
01:12:18,751 --> 01:12:20,586
I wouldn't be who I am,
so you gotta love women.

1200
01:12:20,669 --> 01:12:22,713
Oh, good. Too late for that, but good.

1201
01:12:24,757 --> 01:12:26,800
No, you already said
how much you hate women.

1202
01:12:26,884 --> 01:12:30,054
No, but it's good.
Very funny. I like that.

1203
01:12:30,137 --> 01:12:32,931
It's also, you know, you're going
the opposite way, which is good.

1204
01:12:33,015 --> 01:12:35,351
You're not trying to be likable,
kiss-assy, which is good.

1205
01:12:35,434 --> 01:12:39,104
And thankfully, you left
that cowardice country of Canada.

1206
01:12:39,188 --> 01:12:41,231
- I'm so glad you left.
- Hey, I gotta...

1207
01:12:41,315 --> 01:12:44,401
I gotta say, I'm proud of where I'm from,

1208
01:12:44,485 --> 01:12:47,363
but right now, America's on top, guys.

1209
01:12:47,446 --> 01:12:50,741
- Yeah.
- And I love Texas, and I love you guys.

1210
01:12:50,824 --> 01:12:56,955
USA! USA! USA! USA!

1211
01:12:57,039 --> 01:12:59,625
No, I wasn't-- No, seriously.

1212
01:12:59,708 --> 01:13:02,544
You guys are mental.
All it takes is "US" and you go...

1213
01:13:05,672 --> 01:13:09,093
And that's what pride is about!

1214
01:13:09,176 --> 01:13:11,470
Roseanne, what do you think
about little Canadian boy Danny?

1215
01:13:11,553 --> 01:13:14,348
Well, you've got a lot of energy,
that's for sure.

1216
01:13:14,431 --> 01:13:16,600
- Thank you, Roseanne.
- That's really good,

1217
01:13:16,683 --> 01:13:19,353
being from Canada
and having a lot of energy.

1218
01:13:19,436 --> 01:13:22,147
Well, you have to. It's cold all the time.
You gotta stay warm.

1219
01:13:22,231 --> 01:13:26,777
And coming down here and loving Austin,
and that's all good.

1220
01:13:27,277 --> 01:13:28,612
You know, we love that.

1221
01:13:28,695 --> 01:13:32,074
And, you know, you've got
a great delivery and all that.

1222
01:13:32,157 --> 01:13:34,868
Of course, I don't like you blaming
everything on women.

1223
01:13:34,952 --> 01:13:37,287
That pisses me off and everything.

1224
01:13:37,371 --> 01:13:42,126
'Cause, I mean, those women were,
you know, they were in service.

1225
01:13:42,209 --> 01:13:43,168
No, I--

1226
01:13:43,252 --> 01:13:46,338
You know, so that makes me think
you're a homosexual

1227
01:13:46,422 --> 01:13:48,215
and it makes me think...

1228
01:13:48,298 --> 01:13:52,052
...that you're hiding things because,

1229
01:13:52,136 --> 01:13:58,517
I mean, It's only homosexual men
that don't like women, I think.

1230
01:13:58,600 --> 01:14:03,564
But I wish you would just
embrace your homosexuality,

1231
01:14:03,647 --> 01:14:06,567
and then I think you could go forward

1232
01:14:06,650 --> 01:14:10,612
- with a lot of good jokes.
- Yeah.

1233
01:14:10,696 --> 01:14:12,281
'Cause you've got everything else.

1234
01:14:12,364 --> 01:14:15,409
If you could just
embrace your homosexuality,

1235
01:14:15,492 --> 01:14:19,163
- it would really help your career.
- Yeah. I... Yeah.

1236
01:14:19,246 --> 01:14:21,290
If you want to embrace your homosexuality,

1237
01:14:21,373 --> 01:14:23,667
you'll probably get a lot more spots
on the show, by the way.

1238
01:14:23,750 --> 01:14:25,502
- Yeah.
- Let me tell you,

1239
01:14:25,586 --> 01:14:29,965
me and Tony have been having a back
and forth like a hot girl in high school.

1240
01:14:30,048 --> 01:14:32,384
Yeah, let me tell you there.

1241
01:14:32,468 --> 01:14:35,429
What about your mom?
I bet you don't get along with her.

1242
01:14:35,512 --> 01:14:37,556
No, I get along with my mom.
My mom's my best friend.

1243
01:14:37,639 --> 01:14:39,725
- Really? That's why you're homosexual?
- Yeah. Yeah.

1244
01:14:41,768 --> 01:14:42,936
What can you do?

1245
01:14:43,020 --> 01:14:44,855
I only want to suck one tit,
and that's from her.

1246
01:14:44,938 --> 01:14:46,482
Yeah, I knew it.

1247
01:14:46,565 --> 01:14:48,984
No, but the audience can tell
you have a bigger dick than Ari,

1248
01:14:49,067 --> 01:14:52,112
- so congratulations.
- Yeah, much bigger, to be honest.

1249
01:14:52,196 --> 01:14:54,364
Well, you did good, though. You're funny.

1250
01:14:54,448 --> 01:14:59,203
But, like I say, you know,
try to delve a little bit deeper.

1251
01:14:59,286 --> 01:15:02,831
And it'll be real funny
when you say you're homosexual.

1252
01:15:02,915 --> 01:15:04,917
Thank you.

1253
01:15:05,000 --> 01:15:06,710
Danny Martinello, a great spot.

1254
01:15:06,793 --> 01:15:08,504
- Congratulations. There you go.
- Thank you. Thank you.

1255
01:15:08,587 --> 01:15:10,881
I just want to say, Tony,
I appreciate everything you've offered

1256
01:15:10,964 --> 01:15:13,300
and you made my 2025. God bless you.

1257
01:15:13,383 --> 01:15:15,344
- Thank you so much, as well as Redban.
- Thank you. There he goes.

1258
01:15:15,427 --> 01:15:17,888
- See you, guys.
- Danny Martinello, ladies and gentlemen.

1259
01:15:17,971 --> 01:15:21,099
The Canadian Crustacean.

1260
01:15:21,183 --> 01:15:24,937
The Great Northern...

1261
01:15:27,189 --> 01:15:29,566
All right.

1262
01:15:29,650 --> 01:15:33,320
All right, how about a hand
for the lovely ladies, everybody?

1263
01:15:34,071 --> 01:15:36,907
Bussing some tables for us real quick.

1264
01:15:39,326 --> 01:15:41,703
All right,
let's keep it moving along here.

1265
01:15:41,787 --> 01:15:46,500
Another very, very special treat
out of the Legends bucket.

1266
01:15:46,583 --> 01:15:48,168
This guy, without a doubt,

1267
01:15:48,252 --> 01:15:53,882
one of the best guests of the year
and of all time on the show.

1268
01:15:53,966 --> 01:15:58,595
Doing his set for us, make some noise
for the great James McCann, everybody.

1269
01:16:00,472 --> 01:16:02,683
<i>Kill Tony</i> royalty.

1270
01:16:09,815 --> 01:16:14,152
{\an8}All right. Oh, this is nice. Good.

1271
01:16:15,028 --> 01:16:18,657
{\an8}Baby, I just got back from San Jose.

1272
01:16:19,575 --> 01:16:22,619
Man, they got a lot of Asians there.

1273
01:16:23,745 --> 01:16:26,081
They got so many Asians in San Jose,

1274
01:16:26,164 --> 01:16:30,085
they got to change the name
of that town to Jose-San. All right.

1275
01:16:31,420 --> 01:16:34,381
I drove, I'm getting used
to driving in America. It's weird.

1276
01:16:34,464 --> 01:16:36,925
You may not know this
about the rest of the world,

1277
01:16:37,009 --> 01:16:40,804
but usually the speed limit
is used to limit the speed.

1278
01:16:42,764 --> 01:16:44,266
And here the speed limit is just

1279
01:16:44,349 --> 01:16:47,185
to let you know what the pussies
are gonna be doing today.

1280
01:16:50,105 --> 01:16:52,232
Yeah, baby!

1281
01:16:52,316 --> 01:16:56,320
Everybody else is just out there
feeling out the vibe.

1282
01:16:57,279 --> 01:17:00,157
I don't know what the speed limit is.
I'm watching what other people are doing.

1283
01:17:00,240 --> 01:17:01,491
I'm doing that.

1284
01:17:02,284 --> 01:17:03,910
They can't arrest everybody.

1285
01:17:04,745 --> 01:17:06,830
They don't have the manpower,
they can't afford it.

1286
01:17:06,913 --> 01:17:10,626
They gotta put a military base on Guam,
whatever it's called.

1287
01:17:11,627 --> 01:17:15,172
Mate, you guys invented the speed camera
and then you made it illegal.

1288
01:17:16,757 --> 01:17:17,924
That's wisdom.

1289
01:17:20,177 --> 01:17:23,221
In Texas, I mean, do you know why--

1290
01:17:23,305 --> 01:17:25,349
They say
there's no speed cameras in Texas,

1291
01:17:25,432 --> 01:17:27,517
'cause they are unconstitutional.

1292
01:17:31,355 --> 01:17:34,733
I mean, that is obviously
a very good lawyer though, right?

1293
01:17:35,484 --> 01:17:38,362
I mean, listen, I love the result.

1294
01:17:38,904 --> 01:17:42,115
But what, we're saying
that 150-whatever years ago

1295
01:17:42,199 --> 01:17:43,950
when they wrote the Constitution,

1296
01:17:44,743 --> 01:17:45,952
there was a guy there going...

1297
01:17:46,036 --> 01:17:49,873
"If ever, one day in the future,

1298
01:17:49,956 --> 01:17:56,046
a genius should devise
a vehicle capable of moving faster

1299
01:17:56,129 --> 01:17:58,840
than 100 horses combined...

1300
01:18:00,175 --> 01:18:06,723
...and if there was a second invention
capable of rendering speed into a number,

1301
01:18:08,058 --> 01:18:11,478
why, it would be fine
to use those inventions separately,

1302
01:18:11,561 --> 01:18:13,814
but never together."

1303
01:18:13,897 --> 01:18:17,693
"We must keep those inventions separate
but equal, I do believe."

1304
01:18:17,776 --> 01:18:20,362
I love driving in this country, baby.

1305
01:18:20,445 --> 01:18:23,156
Yes, I love it.

1306
01:18:24,199 --> 01:18:26,743
But they--
Sometimes there are speed cameras,

1307
01:18:26,827 --> 01:18:29,454
they got no consequences at all.

1308
01:18:29,538 --> 01:18:31,581
There'll be a sign by the side of the road

1309
01:18:31,665 --> 01:18:34,793
that says the speed limit's 65,
you're doing 98.

1310
01:18:35,627 --> 01:18:38,547
And then it flashes
like I won a high score.

1311
01:18:39,172 --> 01:18:41,800
It doesn't send me a letter
in the mail or anything,

1312
01:18:41,883 --> 01:18:44,970
it just goes, "Hey. Sick, brother."

1313
01:18:45,053 --> 01:18:48,724
"You've almost cracked triple digits,
well done, believe in yourself."

1314
01:18:49,599 --> 01:18:52,769
I love driving in America,
turn signals, you don't need them.

1315
01:18:54,271 --> 01:18:57,691
'Cause you got a right to privacy
in this country. You understand?

1316
01:18:58,316 --> 01:19:01,361
It's nobody else's business
what lane I'm moving into.

1317
01:19:01,445 --> 01:19:05,323
That's between me and God.

1318
01:19:05,407 --> 01:19:08,285
And the Toyota Sienna I have clipped.

1319
01:19:09,453 --> 01:19:12,664
And our respective insurance companies.

1320
01:19:13,248 --> 01:19:17,127
How long am I supposed to do? All right.

1321
01:19:17,210 --> 01:19:20,046
I drive a minivan.
I don't care. I'll tell you.

1322
01:19:21,006 --> 01:19:25,510
I got three kids. I got a six-year-old,
four-year-old, and a three-year-old,

1323
01:19:26,094 --> 01:19:30,307
and another one on the way. Yeah.

1324
01:19:30,390 --> 01:19:34,019
Don't cheer me.
Come and help me. I need help.

1325
01:19:35,854 --> 01:19:38,315
People say, "This is the most
magical time of your life."

1326
01:19:38,398 --> 01:19:40,400
I say, "Get over to my fucking house."

1327
01:19:40,484 --> 01:19:44,112
"I'd like to take a shower,
be a part of the magic. Look after her."

1328
01:19:44,654 --> 01:19:47,949
My wife is pregnant again.
She's got that illness during pregnancy

1329
01:19:48,033 --> 01:19:50,994
where she has to lie in bed all day
and be mean to me.

1330
01:19:51,077 --> 01:19:54,706
And I'm there, I drive my children
around in the minivan.

1331
01:19:55,457 --> 01:19:59,503
I like driving the minivan because no one
fucks with you in a minivan.

1332
01:20:00,212 --> 01:20:04,633
Amen. You see someone
driving a Cybertruck, honk them.

1333
01:20:05,342 --> 01:20:07,093
Cut them off. It doesn't matter.

1334
01:20:07,177 --> 01:20:10,430
There's a skinny man who works
for Google driving that Cybertruck.

1335
01:20:10,514 --> 01:20:12,015
You can take him in a fight.

1336
01:20:12,098 --> 01:20:14,810
You could kill him
with a single blow, ladies.

1337
01:20:16,520 --> 01:20:19,439
But a minivan,
everybody sees the minivan and they go,

1338
01:20:19,523 --> 01:20:21,983
"Oh, they're having a bad day.
I'm going to leave them alone."

1339
01:20:22,067 --> 01:20:27,072
"They don't need it."
For every day is a bad day in the minivan.

1340
01:20:28,782 --> 01:20:32,536
I got my son screaming at me
in the backseat, "Give me an apple."

1341
01:20:33,286 --> 01:20:36,081
"I don't have an apple
for you right now, mate."

1342
01:20:36,164 --> 01:20:37,457
"You already had one apple."

1343
01:20:37,541 --> 01:20:39,960
"It's lost in the car.
We'll never see it again."

1344
01:20:40,669 --> 01:20:42,045
He goes, "Daddy, I want an apple."

1345
01:20:42,128 --> 01:20:43,839
"I don't have two apples for you, mate."

1346
01:20:43,922 --> 01:20:45,257
"Daddy, I need an apple now."

1347
01:20:45,340 --> 01:20:49,803
I say, "Please, mate, Daddy's trying
to do 98 in the 65."

1348
01:20:49,886 --> 01:20:52,055
"Now's not a good time."

1349
01:20:52,138 --> 01:20:56,476
I have to leave. God bless you.
God bless America. God bless <i>Kill Tony.</i>

1350
01:20:56,560 --> 01:20:58,478
What a performance!

1351
01:20:58,562 --> 01:21:01,273
Wow!

1352
01:21:02,357 --> 01:21:08,280
Taking the ball and absolutely running
with it all the way to the end zone.

1353
01:21:08,363 --> 01:21:10,407
James McCann.

1354
01:21:11,324 --> 01:21:13,368
- Holy shit.
- No, don't go.

1355
01:21:13,451 --> 01:21:16,204
- Take a moment. Come here.
- Stay up here, brother.

1356
01:21:16,872 --> 01:21:17,873
When you said,

1357
01:21:17,956 --> 01:21:20,166
"I don't know how long
I'm supposed to go,"

1358
01:21:20,250 --> 01:21:22,961
you can keep going, man.
I wanted to hear more.

1359
01:21:23,044 --> 01:21:25,171
I wanted to hear more.

1360
01:21:25,255 --> 01:21:27,173
- Yeah.
- Well...

1361
01:21:27,257 --> 01:21:28,717
You are funny.

1362
01:21:28,800 --> 01:21:30,343
- You killed it.
- Yeah.

1363
01:21:30,427 --> 01:21:34,890
That "hundred horses combined"
fucking murdered me.

1364
01:21:34,973 --> 01:21:36,933
- That was hilarious.
- Thank you, Rob Schneider.

1365
01:21:37,017 --> 01:21:39,519
That was hilarious.
You got the whole package.

1366
01:21:39,603 --> 01:21:42,230
You didn't waste one second
of time out here.

1367
01:21:42,314 --> 01:21:46,735
You own that stage and you murder
in front of 15,000 people on Netflix.

1368
01:21:46,818 --> 01:21:48,111
- Yep.
- Congratulations.

1369
01:21:48,194 --> 01:21:49,988
Thank you, Rob Schneider.

1370
01:21:50,071 --> 01:21:53,491
That's very nice. I appreciate that.

1371
01:21:53,575 --> 01:21:58,872
That is the definition
of a breakout performance. Roseanne Barr.

1372
01:21:59,414 --> 01:22:03,335
You came and you ate.

1373
01:22:03,418 --> 01:22:06,922
- Thank you, Roseanne.
- You left no crumbs.

1374
01:22:07,005 --> 01:22:09,049
You left no fucking crumbs.

1375
01:22:09,132 --> 01:22:13,428
You gobbled it all.
You swallowed it down in one big gulp.

1376
01:22:14,179 --> 01:22:16,306
You left nothing for nobody else.

1377
01:22:16,389 --> 01:22:18,892
That almost sounded like a compliment
at the start of that.

1378
01:22:18,975 --> 01:22:21,269
Yeah, no. She means good.
She means you killed.

1379
01:22:21,353 --> 01:22:23,813
- What I'm saying to you is...
- You killed.

1380
01:22:23,897 --> 01:22:28,109
- ...you fucking killed, a star is born.
- A lot of times when you say--

1381
01:22:28,193 --> 01:22:31,279
Oh, whoa. That's so nice.
Thank you, Roseanne.

1382
01:22:31,363 --> 01:22:33,949
Well, I don't know what to say.
I'm all embarrassed now.

1383
01:22:34,032 --> 01:22:36,076
Yeah, just let me just...

1384
01:22:36,159 --> 01:22:39,079
Roseanne, you say "kill," good,
"ate it," bad.

1385
01:22:39,162 --> 01:22:40,747
That's all. You know, that's all.

1386
01:22:40,830 --> 01:22:44,709
No, he came to eat and he ate.
That's what it means.

1387
01:22:44,793 --> 01:22:47,879
- We all know what she meant, Rob.
- Yeah, we know what she meant.

1388
01:22:47,963 --> 01:22:51,299
Rob, you're out of it.
You're so fucking old. You're out of it.

1389
01:22:51,383 --> 01:22:53,218
- If you eat it--
- You're fucking old.

1390
01:22:53,301 --> 01:22:56,513
If you eat it...
If you eat it, it's not good.

1391
01:22:56,596 --> 01:22:58,139
No, I said he came--

1392
01:22:58,223 --> 01:23:00,100
- Not "eat it" like we used to say.
- Oh, okay.

1393
01:23:00,183 --> 01:23:03,520
Look, I've had a great time.
It's been great to be here.

1394
01:23:03,603 --> 01:23:05,855
We've got to get on
with this show, I think.

1395
01:23:05,939 --> 01:23:07,440
Good night, everybody.

1396
01:23:07,524 --> 01:23:08,775
Thank you so much.

1397
01:23:08,858 --> 01:23:14,489
An Australian boy discovered
by Shane Gillis in Australia.

1398
01:23:14,572 --> 01:23:17,784
Shane brought him to America.
We all fell in love with him.

1399
01:23:17,867 --> 01:23:21,955
Austin's own James McCann, everybody.

1400
01:23:22,038 --> 01:23:23,331
I gotta say...

1401
01:23:24,499 --> 01:23:29,254
I have not seen
a shocking breakout performance like that

1402
01:23:30,130 --> 01:23:34,676
since one hour, 55 minutes
into the roast of Tom Brady.

1403
01:23:35,885 --> 01:23:38,638
There was this young buck,
got up from a table,

1404
01:23:38,722 --> 01:23:41,182
made the most of it, changed his own life.

1405
01:23:41,266 --> 01:23:43,601
How about one more time for James McCann?

1406
01:23:46,604 --> 01:23:48,606
Now, this is a very exciting moment.

1407
01:23:48,690 --> 01:23:51,484
This is out of our normal bucket,
ladies and gentlemen.

1408
01:23:51,568 --> 01:23:55,071
I've been lucky enough
to draw one of our great crew members

1409
01:23:55,155 --> 01:23:58,241
that actually works with us,
helped set up everything today.

1410
01:23:58,324 --> 01:24:02,662
Ladies and gentlemen,
I present to you our Dusty, everybody.

1411
01:24:11,212 --> 01:24:15,383
I asked my mom the other day,
seeing as how she's so pro-choice,

1412
01:24:15,467 --> 01:24:18,386
why she decided to have me circumcised.

1413
01:24:21,806 --> 01:24:25,018
She told me it was medically necessary.

1414
01:24:26,102 --> 01:24:29,439
I've read books. That's a lie.
She said, "Look here, smartass."

1415
01:24:29,981 --> 01:24:34,527
"When you were born, you had a condition
where you didn't have eyelids."

1416
01:24:38,907 --> 01:24:44,370
"So, your father and I did you the service
of having you circumcised,

1417
01:24:44,454 --> 01:24:46,706
so that there was some skin to graft on."

1418
01:24:49,209 --> 01:24:52,378
And before I could say a word, she said,

1419
01:24:52,921 --> 01:24:56,091
"Why else you think your daddy
always calls you cock-eyed?"

1420
01:25:00,178 --> 01:25:03,139
- I'm Dusty, that's my time.
- Hey, Dusty.

1421
01:25:03,223 --> 01:25:05,809
Fuck yeah, Dusty.

1422
01:25:05,892 --> 01:25:07,560
- Hey, Tony, how you doing?
- I love it.

1423
01:25:07,644 --> 01:25:11,106
You had no idea you were going up
until two minutes before that set,

1424
01:25:11,189 --> 01:25:12,816
and you made the most of the opportunity.

1425
01:25:12,899 --> 01:25:16,528
- How do you feel right now, Dusty?
- I feel amazing. God bless you all!

1426
01:25:16,611 --> 01:25:19,239
Whoo!

1427
01:25:19,322 --> 01:25:21,699
I love it. So fun.

1428
01:25:21,783 --> 01:25:26,371
All right, Dusty, what's going on in life?
What's something we don't know about you?

1429
01:25:26,996 --> 01:25:32,293
Uh, I work behind the scenes
with men getting out of prison

1430
01:25:32,377 --> 01:25:35,171
to show them a new way of living,
so they ain't got to go back.

1431
01:25:35,255 --> 01:25:38,675
Wow, look at that.

1432
01:25:40,552 --> 01:25:45,265
Amazing. Do you have any special tricks
to pull that off successfully?

1433
01:25:46,015 --> 01:25:49,185
- Jesus.
- Ah! Look at that.

1434
01:25:52,230 --> 01:25:54,190
So, what do you do?
You take them to church?

1435
01:25:54,274 --> 01:25:59,696
We work with them as they get moved
from maximum custody

1436
01:25:59,779 --> 01:26:01,156
to a lower custody level.

1437
01:26:01,239 --> 01:26:04,492
We start working with them
over the last 24 to 48 months

1438
01:26:04,576 --> 01:26:05,827
before they're released.

1439
01:26:05,910 --> 01:26:09,122
It's called Second Hope Ministries
in Louisville, Kentucky.

1440
01:26:09,205 --> 01:26:11,374
They work with them.

1441
01:26:11,457 --> 01:26:15,253
They teach guys how to read,
how to fill out job applications.

1442
01:26:15,336 --> 01:26:16,838
Once they go to our classes,

1443
01:26:16,921 --> 01:26:21,050
we take them out to churches
and then take them back to the prison,

1444
01:26:21,134 --> 01:26:23,303
so that they're getting involved
in the world.

1445
01:26:23,386 --> 01:26:25,388
And then when they get out,
we walk beside them.

1446
01:26:25,471 --> 01:26:28,474
We don't just say,
"Oh, you're out now. Have at it."

1447
01:26:28,558 --> 01:26:30,685
Wow.

1448
01:26:30,768 --> 01:26:31,811
Incredible.

1449
01:26:31,895 --> 01:26:36,357
Can I ask, what has been
your biggest success story

1450
01:26:36,441 --> 01:26:38,067
of somebody that you helped?

1451
01:26:39,068 --> 01:26:44,866
Uh, honestly, we have had
a 0% recidivism rate in the last decade.

1452
01:26:44,949 --> 01:26:46,826
- That's a success story.
- That's incredible.

1453
01:26:46,910 --> 01:26:48,286
Yeah, that's amazing.

1454
01:26:49,120 --> 01:26:50,121
That's incredible.

1455
01:26:50,205 --> 01:26:53,541
So, you take them out of jail
and you take them to churches.

1456
01:26:53,625 --> 01:26:56,377
Yes, we take them to church.
We get them jobs.

1457
01:26:56,920 --> 01:26:59,714
When they get out, we make sure
they got wallets and things.

1458
01:26:59,797 --> 01:27:01,466
Go ahead. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt you, Tony.

1459
01:27:01,549 --> 01:27:04,344
No, it's good.
I was going to do a Church's Chicken joke

1460
01:27:04,427 --> 01:27:07,680
because I'm guessing
a lot of them are Black,

1461
01:27:07,764 --> 01:27:10,391
but it's okay, it's over now.

1462
01:27:10,475 --> 01:27:14,687
So, after you give them wallets,
do they take yours or...?

1463
01:27:14,771 --> 01:27:17,106
- No, no, no.
- All right.

1464
01:27:17,190 --> 01:27:19,901
So, which waffle and chicken place
do they go to first?

1465
01:27:19,984 --> 01:27:21,194
Roscoe's, of course.

1466
01:27:21,277 --> 01:27:22,695
- Of course, yeah.
- Very good.

1467
01:27:22,779 --> 01:27:25,657
Well, hey, that's a beautiful thing
you're doing. And I got to say,

1468
01:27:25,740 --> 01:27:28,785
the joke too,
I heard a lot of free choice,

1469
01:27:28,868 --> 01:27:31,162
you know, choice jokes,
but I never heard that.

1470
01:27:31,246 --> 01:27:33,081
And that's a good angle on that.

1471
01:27:33,164 --> 01:27:34,832
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Good delivery. Very funny.

1472
01:27:34,916 --> 01:27:36,918
And you're a great man.
You're doing great work.

1473
01:27:37,001 --> 01:27:39,295
And, you know,
it's kind of an amazing thing.

1474
01:27:39,379 --> 01:27:42,048
- How long you been doing stand-up again?
- Six years.

1475
01:27:42,131 --> 01:27:45,551
Six years, which I believe
is longer than everybody else

1476
01:27:45,635 --> 01:27:47,929
that at least works on our crew
and everything like that.

1477
01:27:48,012 --> 01:27:52,475
And I'd imagine every Monday setting up
and breaking it down at the end

1478
01:27:52,558 --> 01:27:55,270
of every Monday and having to put it
in a truck and everything,

1479
01:27:55,353 --> 01:27:59,023
it can be exhausting watching people
that don't always prepare

1480
01:27:59,107 --> 01:28:01,067
and don't always, you know...

1481
01:28:01,150 --> 01:28:05,071
plan on it and it's got to be frustrating
because it's just a bucket

1482
01:28:05,154 --> 01:28:09,158
that has a mind of its own
and tonight you...

1483
01:28:11,411 --> 01:28:14,455
- got lucky, you got up here--
- With a minute to prepare, basically.

1484
01:28:14,539 --> 01:28:16,791
- Yeah. Yeah, and it's...
- That's awesome.

1485
01:28:16,874 --> 01:28:19,585
...it's perhaps your good karma
and it's a testament

1486
01:28:19,669 --> 01:28:22,255
for, you know, enjoying the process

1487
01:28:22,338 --> 01:28:26,259
and your time happens
because now, you're on Netflix in an arena

1488
01:28:26,342 --> 01:28:28,970
- in your hometown and...
- Amen.

1489
01:28:29,053 --> 01:28:30,346
Whoo!

1490
01:28:30,430 --> 01:28:31,931
Roseanne Barr.

1491
01:28:32,015 --> 01:28:36,227
Well, I think you're funny.
I think you have good stage presence.

1492
01:28:36,311 --> 01:28:41,399
I don't like your joke about penises,
and I think it was cockeyed.

1493
01:28:41,482 --> 01:28:45,945
And I think that the help you
offer people is probably cockeyed too.

1494
01:28:46,487 --> 01:28:51,784
But I think that you
should get some jokes about,

1495
01:28:51,868 --> 01:28:54,287
you know, that aren't about cocks.

1496
01:28:54,787 --> 01:28:55,830
Yes, ma'am.

1497
01:28:55,913 --> 01:29:00,084
Especially if you're helping people
who are drug addicts and low,

1498
01:29:00,168 --> 01:29:05,923
you know, low on the spiritual level
and you're, like, about spiritual shit.

1499
01:29:06,007 --> 01:29:10,345
So, get some jokes about that
instead of penis material.

1500
01:29:10,428 --> 01:29:12,180
You know what I mean? It don't fit

1501
01:29:12,263 --> 01:29:15,558
to be about penises
when you're trying to lift...

1502
01:29:15,641 --> 01:29:19,103
Shut the fuck up!

1503
01:29:20,021 --> 01:29:21,647
Shut the fuck up!

1504
01:29:21,731 --> 01:29:23,608
- Have some respect.
- Yeah!

1505
01:29:24,233 --> 01:29:25,943
I don't like him talking

1506
01:29:26,027 --> 01:29:28,905
about cock-eyed shit
when he's trying to save people

1507
01:29:28,988 --> 01:29:32,367
and send them to heaven.
And you know I'm right.

1508
01:29:32,450 --> 01:29:34,327
Fuck off. I'm right.

1509
01:29:34,410 --> 01:29:37,205
Fuck you all. Fuck you.

1510
01:29:37,288 --> 01:29:40,458
My mama would have said the same thing,
Miss Roseanne. You're right.

1511
01:29:40,541 --> 01:29:42,794
Well, you should listen to me
and your mother

1512
01:29:42,877 --> 01:29:46,089
because I'm channeling her
right now to tell you the truth.

1513
01:29:46,172 --> 01:29:49,092
You get some clean jokes
to straighten up these people's lives.

1514
01:29:49,175 --> 01:29:50,176
Amen.

1515
01:29:50,259 --> 01:29:52,512
I'm telling you the truth.

1516
01:29:52,595 --> 01:29:53,721
Hail Satan.

1517
01:29:53,805 --> 01:29:55,765
Roseanne's gonna put
a curse on all of you.

1518
01:29:55,848 --> 01:29:58,810
I'm warning you,
you do not boo this queen.

1519
01:29:58,893 --> 01:30:00,061
How about a hand for Dusty,

1520
01:30:00,144 --> 01:30:02,230
- ladies and gentlemen?
- Yeah!

1521
01:30:05,608 --> 01:30:08,778
All right. To the Legends bucket we go.

1522
01:30:08,861 --> 01:30:10,196
Believe it or not,

1523
01:30:10,279 --> 01:30:12,657
there's more, everybody.

1524
01:30:12,740 --> 01:30:15,493
And your next comedian,
Dusty, get the fuck out of here.

1525
01:30:15,576 --> 01:30:18,037
Go. You know better.
Get the fuck... All right.

1526
01:30:19,539 --> 01:30:21,666
How about another hand
for Heidi and Val, everybody?

1527
01:30:21,749 --> 01:30:26,337
A lot of drinks on this table tonight.
They're working overtime here.

1528
01:30:28,423 --> 01:30:32,135
There they are, everybody.

1529
01:30:32,218 --> 01:30:33,344
Awooga!

1530
01:30:33,428 --> 01:30:36,305
Hey, Tony, real quick.
Can I toast the audience?

1531
01:30:36,389 --> 01:30:37,890
- Yes, absolutely.
- Let's do it.

1532
01:30:37,974 --> 01:30:43,062
Ladies and gentlemen, Austin, Texas,
thank you for spending New Year's with us.

1533
01:30:43,146 --> 01:30:44,856
Hell yeah.

1534
01:30:44,939 --> 01:30:46,149
Here's to <i>Kill Tony.</i>

1535
01:30:46,232 --> 01:30:49,610
Here's to Fluffy,
Rob Schneider, Roseanne Barr,

1536
01:30:49,694 --> 01:30:54,240
and this dirtball, Brian Redban,
everybody. Happy New Year, everyone.

1537
01:30:56,200 --> 01:30:58,327
And I pulled another legend
out of the bucket.

1538
01:30:58,411 --> 01:31:01,122
Fitting that we're cheersing right now
because this

1539
01:31:01,205 --> 01:31:03,458
is one of my favorite drinking buddies
in the world.

1540
01:31:03,541 --> 01:31:07,795
One of the best comedians in the world,
had the special of the year this year.

1541
01:31:07,879 --> 01:31:10,339
This is a brand-new set
from the one and only...

1542
01:31:10,423 --> 01:31:11,632
Joe DeRosa!

1543
01:31:20,933 --> 01:31:23,144
Austin, what's going on?

1544
01:31:23,227 --> 01:31:27,106
Oh!

1545
01:31:28,483 --> 01:31:29,859
I love this fucking city.

1546
01:31:32,320 --> 01:31:34,280
{\an8}I drink way too much.

1547
01:31:34,947 --> 01:31:37,241
{\an8}I drink way too much in Austin.

1548
01:31:38,576 --> 01:31:42,330
I went to my doctor the other day.
My doctor said, "I got bad news, man."

1549
01:31:42,413 --> 01:31:43,873
"You got fatty liver."

1550
01:31:45,041 --> 01:31:49,170
I said, "Doc, I got bad news.
We don't talk that way anymore."

1551
01:31:50,296 --> 01:31:51,589
"That's offensive."

1552
01:31:53,090 --> 01:31:54,884
My doctor said,
"Well, if you don't like that,

1553
01:31:54,967 --> 01:31:56,344
you're going to hate this."

1554
01:31:56,886 --> 01:32:00,306
"Your heart's half a fag."

1555
01:32:00,389 --> 01:32:02,058
Jesus Christ, Doc.

1556
01:32:03,893 --> 01:32:06,771
I love to drink for two reasons.
Number one, it's awesome.

1557
01:32:08,439 --> 01:32:11,192
Number two, I hate weed.

1558
01:32:12,276 --> 01:32:15,780
Weed is-- Oh.

1559
01:32:15,863 --> 01:32:19,909
Go fuck yourselves, you burnouts.
Shut the fuck up.

1560
01:32:22,620 --> 01:32:26,958
For everybody that just booed,
grow the fuck up and go to a bar.

1561
01:32:27,667 --> 01:32:30,127
That's what adults do.

1562
01:32:30,211 --> 01:32:31,796
That's what adults do.

1563
01:32:32,380 --> 01:32:36,509
Grow the fuck up and go to a bar
to work on your troubles.

1564
01:32:38,302 --> 01:32:42,557
You sit on a stool and you stare
into a mirror and you do shots

1565
01:32:42,640 --> 01:32:44,100
until you numb it all away.

1566
01:32:44,684 --> 01:32:46,143
All right? Yeah.

1567
01:32:46,894 --> 01:32:51,232
Don't eat a cookie and have a panic attack
for three hours on your sofa.

1568
01:32:53,651 --> 01:32:56,696
"Why isn't my life
the way I want it to be?"

1569
01:32:56,779 --> 01:32:58,281
'Cause you're a fucking loser,

1570
01:32:58,364 --> 01:33:00,825
you can't even get
to the bar to work on yourself.

1571
01:33:04,245 --> 01:33:08,416
I am so tired of weed
getting this higher praise

1572
01:33:08,499 --> 01:33:11,127
like it's a purer substance than alcohol.

1573
01:33:11,210 --> 01:33:14,130
Guys, all you're doing
is getting drunk, okay?

1574
01:33:14,213 --> 01:33:16,882
So stop with the medicinal bullshit.

1575
01:33:16,966 --> 01:33:19,719
Enough. "No, no, it's not true."

1576
01:33:19,802 --> 01:33:23,639
"My weed, my weed,
it helps me reduce my anxiety,

1577
01:33:23,723 --> 01:33:27,143
and it helps me focus,
and it elevates my mood."

1578
01:33:27,226 --> 01:33:29,562
That's all the same shit that booze does.

1579
01:33:31,897 --> 01:33:35,651
Trust me, people,
you will never feel more calm and focused

1580
01:33:36,152 --> 01:33:41,532
than after you slam six Jack Daniels
and rip a fat fucking rail

1581
01:33:41,616 --> 01:33:44,243
off the back of a toilet tank
in a bar bathroom.

1582
01:33:47,580 --> 01:33:49,457
You will be at your best.

1583
01:33:50,541 --> 01:33:55,004
Centered. Confident. Very confident.

1584
01:33:56,672 --> 01:34:00,009
"My edibles help me sleep."
You mean pass out?

1585
01:34:01,594 --> 01:34:05,348
That's not new science, guys.
I've been doing that shit for decades.

1586
01:34:06,140 --> 01:34:08,267
You get fucked up and you pass out.

1587
01:34:09,602 --> 01:34:14,440
People smoking this shit while they drive.
The audacity of you cunts.

1588
01:34:15,399 --> 01:34:19,236
The audacity.
As an alcoholic, that offends me.

1589
01:34:21,030 --> 01:34:25,242
That offends me that you smoke this shit
while you're driving me around.

1590
01:34:25,326 --> 01:34:27,244
And I'll call my friends out on it,
and they go,

1591
01:34:27,328 --> 01:34:29,997
"No, no, no, makes me a better driver.
It's all good."

1592
01:34:30,081 --> 01:34:32,375
They all love to say that.
"Makes me a better driver."

1593
01:34:32,458 --> 01:34:34,293
No, it doesn't. It just turns real life

1594
01:34:34,377 --> 01:34:37,004
into <i>Mario Kart,</i> okay?

1595
01:34:37,088 --> 01:34:40,466
Just 'cause you're having more fun
doesn't mean you're better at it.

1596
01:34:41,467 --> 01:34:45,304
I'm offended. I'm gonna start
doing to my weed friends with booze

1597
01:34:45,388 --> 01:34:49,266
what they do to me with weed.
I want to see how they fucking like it.

1598
01:34:49,767 --> 01:34:52,728
"Hey, guys, before I drive us
out of the mall,

1599
01:34:52,812 --> 01:34:56,065
I'm just gonna rip
this Tito's bottle four or five times."

1600
01:34:59,151 --> 01:35:01,195
What? It makes me a better driver.

1601
01:35:02,655 --> 01:35:05,199
"It makes me a better driver,"
which it does!

1602
01:35:06,575 --> 01:35:07,618
Which it does.

1603
01:35:07,702 --> 01:35:10,079
But one is frowned upon
and the other isn't.

1604
01:35:10,162 --> 01:35:11,122
Why is that?

1605
01:35:11,789 --> 01:35:14,291
Why is drinking and driving frowned upon?

1606
01:35:15,376 --> 01:35:17,128
I can promise you this, people.

1607
01:35:17,211 --> 01:35:21,173
I am never more focused
behind the wheel of a car

1608
01:35:21,757 --> 01:35:24,093
than when I am fucked up.

1609
01:35:26,262 --> 01:35:28,180
I am dialed in.

1610
01:35:28,264 --> 01:35:30,850
Stay between the lines.
You got this shit right now.

1611
01:35:32,059 --> 01:35:33,102
Goddamn.

1612
01:35:35,354 --> 01:35:38,274
When I'm driving sober,
I'm texting people,

1613
01:35:39,400 --> 01:35:41,318
cursing at people out the window,

1614
01:35:41,402 --> 01:35:44,238
chasing a guy down the freeway
'cause he cut me off.

1615
01:35:44,321 --> 01:35:47,533
It's fucking psychotic.

1616
01:35:47,616 --> 01:35:49,201
When I'm drunk, I'm like,

1617
01:35:49,285 --> 01:35:52,455
nope, there are rules of the road
to be abided by right now.

1618
01:35:53,622 --> 01:35:57,752
Now is not the time for distractions.

1619
01:35:57,835 --> 01:36:00,087
Austin, <i>Kill Tony,</i> thank you.

1620
01:36:00,171 --> 01:36:01,797
- One of the best...
- Thank you.

1621
01:36:01,881 --> 01:36:06,135
...in the world,
ladies and gentlemen, Joe DeRosa.

1622
01:36:06,218 --> 01:36:08,012
- I love you guys.
- We love you.

1623
01:36:08,095 --> 01:36:12,892
Let me just say, you know,
you are one of the senior veterans

1624
01:36:12,975 --> 01:36:17,354
out of the Legends bucket tonight,
a true, true, I mean, active.

1625
01:36:17,438 --> 01:36:22,193
Everyone's saying
that your special this year,

1626
01:36:22,276 --> 01:36:25,279
without a doubt,
2025 special of the year,

1627
01:36:25,362 --> 01:36:27,698
and especially amongst your peers,

1628
01:36:27,782 --> 01:36:31,911
your comedians that you've been doing
this with for over two decades.

1629
01:36:31,994 --> 01:36:37,792
And even here tonight, what I loved,
which no one else was even able to do,

1630
01:36:37,875 --> 01:36:41,045
was at one point, you had the whole crowd,

1631
01:36:41,128 --> 01:36:44,131
80% of the crowd turned on you
during the weed part,

1632
01:36:44,215 --> 01:36:46,217
and then you won them back over.

1633
01:36:46,300 --> 01:36:48,594
I saw people that were booing...

1634
01:36:48,677 --> 01:36:51,639
- Yeah.
- ...like buffoons 20 seconds into your set

1635
01:36:51,722 --> 01:36:54,225
that just got up
on their feet during your close,

1636
01:36:54,308 --> 01:36:55,768
which is fucking incredible.

1637
01:36:55,851 --> 01:36:58,604
- I had a feeling that was gonna happen.
- Yeah.

1638
01:36:58,687 --> 01:37:01,190
Uh, James McCann warned me against it too.

1639
01:37:01,273 --> 01:37:02,483
- Yeah.
- He's like...

1640
01:37:02,566 --> 01:37:04,777
"Really,
you're gonna go piss them all off?"

1641
01:37:04,860 --> 01:37:06,862
"Tell them you hate
the fucking thing they love?"

1642
01:37:06,946 --> 01:37:10,616
- Yeah. Amazing to roast that.
- Yeah, no, it was... it was-- Yeah.

1643
01:37:10,699 --> 01:37:12,076
Thank you, sir, for the finger.

1644
01:37:12,159 --> 01:37:13,536
Thank you.

1645
01:37:13,619 --> 01:37:15,496
Yes.

1646
01:37:15,579 --> 01:37:17,873
Brother, you are fearless.

1647
01:37:17,957 --> 01:37:20,751
The way that you did that,
I thought that was very impressive.

1648
01:37:20,835 --> 01:37:23,003
- Thank you, brother.
- Nobody got them to do that

1649
01:37:23,087 --> 01:37:25,214
and then brought it back
and got a standing ovation.

1650
01:37:25,297 --> 01:37:26,757
- Thank you, brother.
- Fucking bravo.

1651
01:37:26,841 --> 01:37:28,926
- You didn't let it waver-- Yeah.
- Bravo.

1652
01:37:29,009 --> 01:37:31,428
- You didn't let it rock you at all.
- Yeah.

1653
01:37:31,512 --> 01:37:32,847
- You used it.
- You stayed the course.

1654
01:37:32,930 --> 01:37:34,348
There's a very famous thing

1655
01:37:34,431 --> 01:37:36,892
where Bill Burr
was getting booed in Philadelphia.

1656
01:37:36,976 --> 01:37:39,103
And that was a little taste
of that tonight.

1657
01:37:39,186 --> 01:37:42,773
And you let it-- You turned them.
That's a huge accomplishment.

1658
01:37:42,857 --> 01:37:45,317
I just have to say that that was amazing.

1659
01:37:45,401 --> 01:37:47,403
- Thank you, man.
- But I do have to say that

1660
01:37:47,486 --> 01:37:50,281
marijuana does reduce
my stress and helps my mood.

1661
01:37:52,408 --> 01:37:56,161
You were the man in the arena, baby.

1662
01:37:56,245 --> 01:37:58,414
- Yeah.
- Oh, thank you.

1663
01:37:58,497 --> 01:38:02,751
You... You were a boxer.

1664
01:38:02,835 --> 01:38:04,753
You were a boxer up there.

1665
01:38:04,837 --> 01:38:06,463
- Thank you.
- You were throwing jabs.

1666
01:38:06,547 --> 01:38:07,882
You were throwing left hooks.

1667
01:38:07,965 --> 01:38:10,593
You had the whole audience
as your opponent.

1668
01:38:10,676 --> 01:38:14,138
And you walked away the winner.
It was fantastic.

1669
01:38:14,221 --> 01:38:17,016
- Thank you.
- You're a great comic, a great writer.

1670
01:38:17,099 --> 01:38:19,101
- Thank you.
- You took all the assumptions

1671
01:38:19,184 --> 01:38:22,104
and just shoved them up everybody's ass.

1672
01:38:22,187 --> 01:38:26,066
You were like, "Yeah, fuck you.
This is my opinion."

1673
01:38:26,150 --> 01:38:28,611
"This is America and you're gonna listen

1674
01:38:28,694 --> 01:38:31,280
and you're gonna laugh
and fuck you some more."

1675
01:38:31,363 --> 01:38:33,908
- That's fair.
- And you won. You were great.

1676
01:38:33,991 --> 01:38:35,743
- And--
- Roseanne, that means...

1677
01:38:35,826 --> 01:38:37,661
It means the world coming from all of you.

1678
01:38:37,745 --> 01:38:42,541
I got to tell you, I grew up with you.
And before I came down here tonight,

1679
01:38:42,625 --> 01:38:44,376
I called my mom
to wish her Happy New Year.

1680
01:38:44,460 --> 01:38:46,921
And I said, "Mom, I'm gonna meet
Roseanne Barr tonight."

1681
01:38:47,004 --> 01:38:49,173
And we were both so excited about it.

1682
01:38:49,256 --> 01:38:51,508
- It really means a lot to me to meet you.
- Thank you so much.

1683
01:38:51,592 --> 01:38:53,302
I mean that, Roseanne. You're a legend.

1684
01:38:53,385 --> 01:38:57,973
Well, you tell your mother
that I said she raised a genius

1685
01:38:58,057 --> 01:39:01,143
- and she should be very proud.
- Oh! That's sweet.

1686
01:39:01,226 --> 01:39:03,729
And, you know,
a big theme of the night is,

1687
01:39:03,812 --> 01:39:06,190
you know, like,
you greats have said, you know,

1688
01:39:06,273 --> 01:39:09,109
talk about stuff that you know,
talk about what's real to you,

1689
01:39:09,193 --> 01:39:10,235
and I promise you...

1690
01:39:10,319 --> 01:39:12,237
...nobody knows how to drink

1691
01:39:12,321 --> 01:39:14,281
more than Joe DeRosa.

1692
01:39:14,365 --> 01:39:17,159
So that is truly who he is,
one of my best friends,

1693
01:39:17,242 --> 01:39:20,079
one of my favorite comedians,
my favorite drinking buddy.

1694
01:39:20,162 --> 01:39:22,790
I love you guys. You and Redban,
thank you for everything, guys.

1695
01:39:22,873 --> 01:39:24,041
I love all of you. Thank you, guys.

1696
01:39:24,124 --> 01:39:26,335
- Appreciate it. Thanks, guys.
- The great Joe DeRosa, everybody.

1697
01:39:28,420 --> 01:39:33,676
And I gotta tell you,
I gotta warn everybody,

1698
01:39:35,427 --> 01:39:39,264
the roof is about to blow off
this joint right now

1699
01:39:39,348 --> 01:39:45,270
because I have a special surprise
for the entire <i>Kill Tony</i> universe

1700
01:39:45,354 --> 01:39:47,314
that you're not going to believe.

1701
01:39:47,398 --> 01:39:50,693
This is the return
of one of the greatest regulars

1702
01:39:50,776 --> 01:39:55,030
in the history of the show, a 26-year-old

1703
01:39:55,114 --> 01:39:57,616
that accomplished the unthinkable...

1704
01:39:57,700 --> 01:40:00,995
...by going from being a <i>Kill Tony</i> regular

1705
01:40:01,078 --> 01:40:04,999
to being a full-time cast member
on <i>Saturday Night Live.</i>

1706
01:40:05,082 --> 01:40:09,461
And now he's back home in Austin, Texas.

1707
01:40:09,545 --> 01:40:12,047
This is Kam Patterson.

1708
01:40:39,575 --> 01:40:42,494
{\an8}What's up? What it do, man?

1709
01:40:42,578 --> 01:40:47,499
Um...

1710
01:40:48,417 --> 01:40:50,502
I gotta go. I gotta go.

1711
01:40:50,586 --> 01:40:53,338
Hey, listen. I'm, uh...

1712
01:40:53,422 --> 01:40:56,341
I'm on <i>SNL</i> now, dawg.
It's pretty cool, bruh.

1713
01:40:56,425 --> 01:40:58,385
It's dope.

1714
01:40:58,469 --> 01:41:01,221
I like it, man.
You know what's crazy? It's...

1715
01:41:01,305 --> 01:41:05,350
I think people are more excited for me
than I am for myself, though.

1716
01:41:05,434 --> 01:41:07,311
Like, people keep saying,
"Congratulations."

1717
01:41:07,394 --> 01:41:08,687
"Good job." "That's dope."

1718
01:41:08,771 --> 01:41:11,565
And I know how huge it is,
but understand something, bro.

1719
01:41:11,648 --> 01:41:14,610
I'm 26 and I'm Black.
I've never seen the show.

1720
01:41:14,693 --> 01:41:17,112
I have...

1721
01:41:17,196 --> 01:41:20,783
...no idea what the fuck
I signed up for, dawg.

1722
01:41:20,866 --> 01:41:24,661
I'm kinda just there, man.
And listen, it's not the shit, not for me.

1723
01:41:24,745 --> 01:41:27,206
It's for white people,
really, dawg. They really--

1724
01:41:27,289 --> 01:41:30,626
They have on celebrities
I've never heard of in my life.

1725
01:41:30,709 --> 01:41:34,963
Like, we had on Glenn Powell at one point,
and I was like, "Who is that?" right?

1726
01:41:35,047 --> 01:41:39,009
And they was like, "He was in <i>Top Gun."</i>
And I was like, "Never seen it," right?

1727
01:41:39,093 --> 01:41:42,888
And then we had on Miles Teller,
and I was like, "Who is that?"

1728
01:41:42,971 --> 01:41:44,598
And they was like, "He was in <i>Top Gun."</i>

1729
01:41:44,681 --> 01:41:47,059
And I was like,
"I'm on to you niggas, man."

1730
01:41:47,851 --> 01:41:51,063
And I'ma be honest, bro.
I'ma keep it 100% with y'all, bro.

1731
01:41:51,730 --> 01:41:56,026
In the nicest way possible,
in the nicest way possible, it's gay.

1732
01:41:56,110 --> 01:41:58,028
Like, it's really gay, dawg.

1733
01:41:58,112 --> 01:42:02,199
It's gay as fuck. Understand something.
I was on national television doing this.

1734
01:42:05,494 --> 01:42:08,413
I've shot at somebody before.
You understand me?

1735
01:42:09,248 --> 01:42:12,251
You see how crazy that change is in life?

1736
01:42:12,334 --> 01:42:13,919
To go from "Come back here,
fuck, nigga," to...

1737
01:42:16,213 --> 01:42:18,882
That's insane, dawg.

1738
01:42:18,966 --> 01:42:21,677
One thing... One thing about the show...

1739
01:42:21,760 --> 01:42:23,220
I will say this,
and I'm gonna get out of here.

1740
01:42:23,303 --> 01:42:25,514
One thing I will say, bro, is...

1741
01:42:26,723 --> 01:42:29,643
One thing I don't like about it
is that they blew my spot up.

1742
01:42:29,726 --> 01:42:33,814
I was making good money
on stand-up comedy before I got <i>SNL,</i>

1743
01:42:33,897 --> 01:42:36,859
but my family had no idea
I was making money.

1744
01:42:36,942 --> 01:42:40,279
Now, listen, this is a problem, dawg...

1745
01:42:40,362 --> 01:42:42,239
...'cause everybody need money now, man.

1746
01:42:42,322 --> 01:42:43,365
The issue is...

1747
01:42:44,241 --> 01:42:45,868
This is where the problem comes in.

1748
01:42:45,951 --> 01:42:48,829
I have no problem
helping nobody out with money.

1749
01:42:48,912 --> 01:42:52,708
I have no problem with that.
But if you need money, get to the point.

1750
01:42:52,791 --> 01:42:54,042
My auntie do a great job. She be like,

1751
01:42:54,126 --> 01:42:56,545
"Hey, nigga,
check your Cash App. Goodbye."

1752
01:42:56,628 --> 01:42:57,880
That's great.

1753
01:42:57,963 --> 01:42:59,965
She does a good job.
My cousins call me and go,

1754
01:43:00,048 --> 01:43:01,884
"Cuz, how you doing?"

1755
01:43:01,967 --> 01:43:03,051
"I'm proud of you."

1756
01:43:03,135 --> 01:43:04,136
"That's amazing."

1757
01:43:04,219 --> 01:43:05,387
"I'm so proud of you." And I go,

1758
01:43:05,470 --> 01:43:07,014
"Thanks, cuz. How are you doing?"

1759
01:43:07,097 --> 01:43:09,766
And they go, "Me?
I'm not doing good at all."

1760
01:43:09,850 --> 01:43:12,978
"I'm in extreme debt right now."

1761
01:43:13,061 --> 01:43:16,648
"And if I don't get paid soon,
I have to eat my kids, dawg."

1762
01:43:16,732 --> 01:43:18,901
And I go, "How much money do you need?"

1763
01:43:18,984 --> 01:43:22,946
And they go, "I just need 17,000 dollars"

1764
01:43:23,030 --> 01:43:27,826
Eat the kids, nigga. I can't help you.
You're fucked, man.

1765
01:43:28,493 --> 01:43:31,663
The funny thing to me, though,
is I like to tell my dad

1766
01:43:31,747 --> 01:43:33,457
that my cousins asked for money,

1767
01:43:33,540 --> 01:43:36,418
but I won't tell him
which cousin asked for the money.

1768
01:43:36,501 --> 01:43:37,753
So he gotta guess.

1769
01:43:37,836 --> 01:43:40,964
But he always guess wrong,
but his reasons make sense.

1770
01:43:41,048 --> 01:43:42,799
He be like, "Was it, Lil' Gerald?"

1771
01:43:42,883 --> 01:43:44,927
"You know Lil' Gerald smoke crack, right?"

1772
01:43:45,010 --> 01:43:47,346
"So if you gave Lil' Gerald
more than 200 dollars,

1773
01:43:47,429 --> 01:43:49,556
you killed that nigga,
you know that, right?"

1774
01:43:49,640 --> 01:43:51,850
"You murdered Lil' Gerald."

1775
01:43:51,934 --> 01:43:54,561
I had no idea Lil' Gerald
smoked crack, dawg.

1776
01:43:54,645 --> 01:43:56,521
I thought he leaned like this for fun.

1777
01:43:56,605 --> 01:43:59,983
I had no idea he did real drugs.

1778
01:44:00,067 --> 01:44:02,736
I know about one person in my family
that smoked real drugs.

1779
01:44:02,819 --> 01:44:04,905
One person. It's my Uncle Herb.

1780
01:44:04,988 --> 01:44:06,865
My Uncle Herb is a real crackhead.

1781
01:44:06,949 --> 01:44:10,452
Like, when crack came out, he was like,
this my shit forever now.

1782
01:44:10,535 --> 01:44:11,828
He love it.

1783
01:44:11,912 --> 01:44:16,458
And he called and asked for money too,
but he make it fun for me.

1784
01:44:16,541 --> 01:44:19,127
He'll call with,
like, a whole movie storyline.

1785
01:44:19,211 --> 01:44:24,216
He'll be like, "Nephew,
you not gonna believe this shit here."

1786
01:44:25,342 --> 01:44:29,137
"I got kidnapped,
and I'm tied up in a basement,

1787
01:44:29,221 --> 01:44:33,308
and I need 45 dollars,
and they said they'll let me go."

1788
01:44:34,893 --> 01:44:37,646
And I said, "You right,
I don't believe you, man."

1789
01:44:38,146 --> 01:44:40,565
And he said, "What,
you want to talk to the kidnappers?"

1790
01:44:40,649 --> 01:44:42,609
And I said, "Yeah, put 'em on the phone."

1791
01:44:42,693 --> 01:44:45,570
It's another crackhead.
"We got your uncle, nigga."

1792
01:44:46,780 --> 01:44:50,951
"Come get your uncle."
And I send him money every time, dawg.

1793
01:44:52,661 --> 01:44:56,456
What's funny is, I send him money,
but he don't hang up the phone in time.

1794
01:44:56,540 --> 01:44:59,584
So every time I send money,
he go, "Got his ass again."

1795
01:45:00,585 --> 01:45:03,588
"Who gon' kidnap a crackhead?
Nigga, that's crazy."

1796
01:45:03,672 --> 01:45:05,882
I've been Kam Pat, thank y'all so much.

1797
01:45:05,966 --> 01:45:09,678
Wow. He's back.

1798
01:45:09,761 --> 01:45:12,180
Our very own...

1799
01:45:12,889 --> 01:45:16,810
sweet, sweet Kam Patterson has returned.

1800
01:45:16,893 --> 01:45:19,271
And it brings me so much joy.

1801
01:45:20,230 --> 01:45:24,234
I mean, absolutely unbelievable.
Welcome home, my friend.

1802
01:45:24,318 --> 01:45:26,737
- But it's great to be home, bro.
- Unbelievable.

1803
01:45:26,820 --> 01:45:28,405
- Hell yeah.
- Wow.

1804
01:45:28,488 --> 01:45:29,614
- Wow.
- Hell yeah.

1805
01:45:29,698 --> 01:45:31,992
- Hell yeah, man.
- Listen, Kam,

1806
01:45:32,075 --> 01:45:34,661
I was on <i>Saturday Night Live,</i>
and I just want to tell you,

1807
01:45:34,745 --> 01:45:37,039
45 dollars, you got off light.
That's a good time.

1808
01:45:37,122 --> 01:45:40,292
You pay those ones.
But I have, you know, when I was in <i>SNL,</i>

1809
01:45:40,375 --> 01:45:42,669
and you have family members
who want money,

1810
01:45:42,753 --> 01:45:44,129
that's when it's important.

1811
01:45:44,629 --> 01:45:47,549
Now you develop
a really terrible gambling habit.

1812
01:45:48,800 --> 01:45:50,552
And just say, "I'm blowing it all."

1813
01:45:50,635 --> 01:45:52,220
"I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do.
I have a problem."

1814
01:45:52,304 --> 01:45:53,638
All that shit gone.
They gonna fuck though.

1815
01:45:53,722 --> 01:45:55,182
That's what I'm gonna say.
For sure, though.

1816
01:45:55,265 --> 01:45:56,975
- Just an idea, throwing it out there.
- Most def.

1817
01:45:57,059 --> 01:45:58,018
You don't have to use it.

1818
01:45:58,101 --> 01:45:59,603
I'm just putting it out there.

1819
01:45:59,686 --> 01:46:00,687
It is so funny.

1820
01:46:00,771 --> 01:46:05,609
I love the line that you were
making great money before <i>SNL.</i>

1821
01:46:05,692 --> 01:46:08,695
You were wildly successful before <i>SNL,</i>

1822
01:46:08,779 --> 01:46:12,074
but <i>SNL</i> let your family know
how much money you were--

1823
01:46:12,157 --> 01:46:14,534
I heard a huge cackle
from down there, and I look,

1824
01:46:14,618 --> 01:46:16,870
and it's Fluffy cracking up.

1825
01:46:16,953 --> 01:46:19,706
Like a man who's been
on these highest-grossing

1826
01:46:19,790 --> 01:46:22,959
comedian charts for a while
that gets hit up from family members.

1827
01:46:23,043 --> 01:46:25,337
- It seemed like it hit close to home.
- I get hit up all the time.

1828
01:46:25,420 --> 01:46:28,131
That's why a lot of times they're like,
"How come he doesn't post more?"

1829
01:46:28,215 --> 01:46:30,592
'Cause family's watching.

1830
01:46:30,675 --> 01:46:31,676
What's up, Netflix?

1831
01:46:31,760 --> 01:46:34,096
Anyway, yeah, I didn't even tell them
I was gonna be here tonight.

1832
01:46:34,179 --> 01:46:37,808
I'm gonna get a call tomorrow.
So, yeah, 45 bucks, I wish.

1833
01:46:38,975 --> 01:46:42,979
Hey, no, your success is a sure thing.

1834
01:46:43,063 --> 01:46:45,023
You're a superstar, buddy.
You're a superstar.

1835
01:46:45,107 --> 01:46:46,608
- You got it, man.
- Thank you. Thank you.

1836
01:46:46,691 --> 01:46:49,569
You've got the whole thing.
<i>SNL</i> is gonna be good for you, man.

1837
01:46:49,653 --> 01:46:51,071
I really fuck with it, dawg.

1838
01:46:51,154 --> 01:46:53,240
After you start--
When you start making movies,

1839
01:46:53,323 --> 01:46:55,450
then they're gonna
really come after you, all right?

1840
01:46:55,534 --> 01:46:57,911
You're gonna have to change your address,
your number, and everything.

1841
01:46:57,994 --> 01:47:00,497
I already did all that shit, dawg.
They have no idea where I stay.

1842
01:47:02,999 --> 01:47:04,126
Roseanne Barr.

1843
01:47:04,209 --> 01:47:08,880
Well, I remember at the club
when Tony took me and he's like,

1844
01:47:08,964 --> 01:47:11,550
"Hey, I got somebody I want you to see."

1845
01:47:11,633 --> 01:47:13,593
- And I've told you this.
- Yes, ma'am.

1846
01:47:13,677 --> 01:47:16,680
And so he says, "Go over."

1847
01:47:16,763 --> 01:47:18,974
So we went over on the balcony
and you were--

1848
01:47:19,057 --> 01:47:21,893
I was looking and you was down, you know...

1849
01:47:21,977 --> 01:47:26,815
...in this half-circle little club,
and you were just--

1850
01:47:26,898 --> 01:47:30,026
I go, "Look at him,
he's just working that stage."

1851
01:47:30,110 --> 01:47:33,738
"He's using every inch of that stage,"
and he's like, "Look at him."

1852
01:47:33,822 --> 01:47:38,910
And I was like, oh, my God,
this... this is the...

1853
01:47:39,578 --> 01:47:41,538
whole new generation.

1854
01:47:42,247 --> 01:47:45,375
This is...

1855
01:47:45,459 --> 01:47:47,043
I said to Tony,

1856
01:47:47,127 --> 01:47:51,965
"Oh, my God, he's everybody rolled up
into one and even better."

1857
01:47:52,048 --> 01:47:54,217
- Yeah.
- And, you know, I love you.

1858
01:47:54,301 --> 01:47:55,469
You're for real.

1859
01:47:55,552 --> 01:47:58,305
Your life is for real.
Your heart is for real.

1860
01:47:58,388 --> 01:48:00,015
Your jokes are for real.

1861
01:48:00,098 --> 01:48:01,558
- And I love you.
- We all agree with that.

1862
01:48:01,641 --> 01:48:03,310
I love you too, Roseanne.

1863
01:48:03,393 --> 01:48:05,187
- It is incredible.
- Thank you.

1864
01:48:05,979 --> 01:48:09,274
And I mean, I gotta tell you,
we've done a lot of these together.

1865
01:48:09,357 --> 01:48:11,860
We've done multiple
Madison Square Gardens,

1866
01:48:11,943 --> 01:48:16,907
the Forum in LA,
four arenas here in Austin before,

1867
01:48:16,990 --> 01:48:21,536
and I've never seen you quite
like you were in an arena tonight.

1868
01:48:21,620 --> 01:48:24,998
It's-- To watch your growth is always--

1869
01:48:25,081 --> 01:48:28,960
It reminds us all
that we can all always just continue

1870
01:48:29,044 --> 01:48:31,171
to get better and grow and expand.

1871
01:48:31,254 --> 01:48:32,923
There's been a couple times
where you came out

1872
01:48:33,006 --> 01:48:34,716
- with a cup of water and a piece of paper...
- Yeah!

1873
01:48:34,799 --> 01:48:36,051
- ...trying to do magic.
- Hey!

1874
01:48:36,134 --> 01:48:40,555
Bro, the arena show, though,
I never had shit, dawg.

1875
01:48:40,639 --> 01:48:42,974
I'm up at that bitch like,
"What the fuck am I going to do?"

1876
01:48:43,058 --> 01:48:44,684
I had a little bit of time,
you know what I'm saying,

1877
01:48:44,768 --> 01:48:47,187
- figure some shit out, you feel me?
- I love it. I love it.

1878
01:48:47,270 --> 01:48:50,524
- You are the shit. I love you.
- Love you too, Roseanne. Thank you.

1879
01:48:50,607 --> 01:48:55,737
Kam Patterson was born
and raised here in <i>Kill Tony</i> land,

1880
01:48:55,820 --> 01:48:58,990
and for you to be here tonight
means the world to us.

1881
01:48:59,074 --> 01:49:01,076
- Love it.
- We love you forever.

1882
01:49:01,159 --> 01:49:04,079
You're always part of the family anytime.

1883
01:49:04,162 --> 01:49:07,916
I'm sure we'll see you
at Madison Square Garden in August.

1884
01:49:07,999 --> 01:49:10,794
You're a superstar, a superstar.

1885
01:49:10,877 --> 01:49:13,672
How loud can this place get
for the great Kam Patterson?

1886
01:49:18,051 --> 01:49:21,388
Setting a whole new precedent
for the expectations

1887
01:49:21,471 --> 01:49:25,725
and levels obtainable
by a <i>Kill Tony</i> regular.

1888
01:49:25,809 --> 01:49:27,018
It is amazing.

1889
01:49:27,769 --> 01:49:30,397
How about a hand
for these ladies again? Incredible.

1890
01:49:30,480 --> 01:49:31,648
Just amazing.

1891
01:49:32,274 --> 01:49:36,695
Well, the place is about to go nuts again,
I gotta warn you.

1892
01:49:37,195 --> 01:49:38,738
Ladies and gentlemen,

1893
01:49:38,822 --> 01:49:40,574
another Golden Ticket winner...

1894
01:49:40,657 --> 01:49:43,660
...perhaps the greatest Golden Ticket winner
in the history of the show,

1895
01:49:43,743 --> 01:49:45,829
the only person who I'm afraid of,

1896
01:49:45,912 --> 01:49:49,416
the only person that can get me
to do whatever he possibly wants,

1897
01:49:49,499 --> 01:49:51,042
you know who it is.

1898
01:49:51,126 --> 01:49:56,464
This is the undeniable,
one and only, Timmy No Brakes!

1899
01:50:05,473 --> 01:50:06,474
All right.

1900
01:50:07,642 --> 01:50:09,102
I'm gonna level with you.

1901
01:50:10,270 --> 01:50:14,190
I was told tonight that I was gonna
get wired up and fly around.

1902
01:50:17,068 --> 01:50:21,156
{\an8}And then right before I came on stage,
Tone fucked me.

1903
01:50:22,949 --> 01:50:26,077
{\an8}Apparently it's not happening,
it was too expensive.

1904
01:50:27,120 --> 01:50:29,873
So now everything I was planning
to do in the fucking air,

1905
01:50:29,956 --> 01:50:31,249
I'm doing on the ground.

1906
01:50:32,125 --> 01:50:35,795
And none of this shit
is gonna make any fucking sense.

1907
01:50:37,130 --> 01:50:39,591
<i>I'm up in the air, flying around</i>

1908
01:50:39,674 --> 01:50:42,218
<i>A harness on my body, wires around</i>

1909
01:50:42,302 --> 01:50:44,429
<i>Soaring through the air
I'm high off the ground</i>

1910
01:50:44,512 --> 01:50:47,265
<i>It's Timmy No Brakes, bitch
I'm not coming down</i>

1911
01:50:47,349 --> 01:50:49,517
<i>Now I'm on the other side of the arena</i>

1912
01:50:49,601 --> 01:50:52,103
<i>Holy shit, nice tits, bitch
Here's a subpoena</i>

1913
01:50:52,187 --> 01:50:54,648
<i>Take my dick out and piss
Right on that Latina</i>

1914
01:50:54,731 --> 01:50:57,442
<i>I'm up really high
You can still see my penis</i>

1915
01:50:57,525 --> 01:50:59,694
<i>Take your tits out
Take your butts out</i>

1916
01:50:59,778 --> 01:51:02,530
<i>Now I'm up even further
In the nosebleeds</i>

1917
01:51:02,614 --> 01:51:04,949
<i>Section 211, seat three, row B</i>

1918
01:51:05,033 --> 01:51:06,409
<i>You guys are really, really poor</i>

1919
01:51:07,035 --> 01:51:10,080
<i>I've said it before
Fuck the West Hollywood raw</i>

1920
01:51:10,580 --> 01:51:12,957
<i>All right
You can start the interview, gay guy</i>

1921
01:51:23,385 --> 01:51:25,720
Is that funny, Tone? Is this funny?

1922
01:51:29,140 --> 01:51:32,310
Timmy, it was gonna--

1923
01:51:32,394 --> 01:51:34,354
I looked into this.

1924
01:51:35,188 --> 01:51:37,190
- And you--
- What the fuck?

1925
01:51:39,484 --> 01:51:44,906
You know I looked into this for you.
It was literally gonna be 70,000 dollars

1926
01:51:44,989 --> 01:51:46,616
- for you to fly over the audience...
- Yeah.

1927
01:51:46,700 --> 01:51:50,954
- ...like you wanted to do.
- I spent 450,000 dollars

1928
01:51:51,037 --> 01:51:54,416
on an F18 Air Force flyover to--

1929
01:51:54,499 --> 01:51:58,169
Look, there I go, Tone.
There I fucking go.

1930
01:52:02,298 --> 01:52:03,883
This is the worst night of my life.

1931
01:52:06,052 --> 01:52:08,847
Why are you covered
in some type of slime? I don't--

1932
01:52:08,930 --> 01:52:12,142
It's flame retardant.
I was gonna set myself on fire in the air.

1933
01:52:12,225 --> 01:52:13,935
It was gonna be amazing.

1934
01:52:14,018 --> 01:52:16,146
Fuck.

1935
01:52:20,608 --> 01:52:22,318
I feel like a goddamn idiot.

1936
01:52:24,070 --> 01:52:29,117
Oh.

1937
01:52:30,201 --> 01:52:32,370
Why's the roof not open?

1938
01:52:34,372 --> 01:52:35,790
Fuck!

1939
01:52:43,465 --> 01:52:46,676
Start the interview, Tone.
What do you want to know about me?

1940
01:52:47,594 --> 01:52:50,180
Oh, my God. There's nobody like you.

1941
01:52:50,930 --> 01:52:55,351
You are so far outside the box,
it's absolutely insane.

1942
01:52:55,435 --> 01:52:58,980
Well, I was in Roseanne's box.
I will be honest.

1943
01:53:01,149 --> 01:53:02,734
Give it up for Roseanne.

1944
01:53:02,817 --> 01:53:04,694
She is having my child!

1945
01:53:06,154 --> 01:53:08,782
Ooh! Breaking news here on <i>Kill Tony.</i>

1946
01:53:09,282 --> 01:53:11,534
- Yeah!
- Hell yeah, she's down.

1947
01:53:11,618 --> 01:53:13,870
I love you, bitch. I love your box.

1948
01:53:13,953 --> 01:53:16,706
Tight.

1949
01:53:16,790 --> 01:53:18,750
- Timmy is a--
- Wait.

1950
01:53:26,174 --> 01:53:27,133
I can explain.

1951
01:53:27,217 --> 01:53:29,594
I was gonna fuck somebody
that was Japanese

1952
01:53:29,677 --> 01:53:32,639
in mid-air in the audience.
She was gonna come, obviously.

1953
01:53:32,722 --> 01:53:34,682
I need everybody to know
she was gonna come, all right?

1954
01:53:34,766 --> 01:53:36,726
Let's move on. Next question.

1955
01:53:43,525 --> 01:53:48,321
Timmy, why do you still have
all the straps and everything on?

1956
01:53:48,404 --> 01:53:51,449
I was told five minutes ago, Tone!

1957
01:53:53,618 --> 01:53:55,411
Who put that there? That's--

1958
01:53:58,915 --> 01:54:01,334
Gabriel Iglesias has been
telling people to move that.

1959
01:54:01,417 --> 01:54:04,254
That's what amateur comedians do.
You run it over.

1960
01:54:04,796 --> 01:54:06,673
That's how you do comedy.

1961
01:54:07,423 --> 01:54:10,301
<i>Oh, God! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! I'm on fire!</i>

1962
01:54:10,385 --> 01:54:16,975
<i>Oh, fuck!</i>

1963
01:54:18,434 --> 01:54:20,728
That's the part
where I was gonna get set on fire!

1964
01:54:24,649 --> 01:54:27,610
Can I get a fucking strawberry daiquiri
or something, honey?

1965
01:54:27,694 --> 01:54:30,655
- I'm fucking-- I'm not--
- A strawberry daiquiri?

1966
01:54:30,738 --> 01:54:33,950
No, I think this audience
would come up with 74,000 dollars

1967
01:54:34,033 --> 01:54:35,785
just to see you on fire right now.

1968
01:54:39,080 --> 01:54:40,915
I'm sure there's somebody with some...

1969
01:54:41,666 --> 01:54:43,126
- Texas money.
- I'm gonna be honest.

1970
01:54:43,209 --> 01:54:45,420
I started a GoFundMe.

1971
01:54:45,503 --> 01:54:48,131
For real. We are raising money.

1972
01:54:48,631 --> 01:54:52,135
Tone already pledged 15,000 dollars.
Give it up for Tone.

1973
01:54:53,845 --> 01:54:55,930
- Oh, man. You did that?
- No, I did not do that.

1974
01:54:56,014 --> 01:54:57,015
No, yeah, you did.

1975
01:54:57,098 --> 01:54:58,975
<i>Oh, God, you're so funny, Timmy.</i>

1976
01:54:59,058 --> 01:55:02,478
<i>Oh, God, I love it.
Oh, yes, yes. Oh, yeah.</i>

1977
01:55:02,562 --> 01:55:06,524
<i>You'll make me laugh again.
Yeah, you make baby laugh.</i>

1978
01:55:07,025 --> 01:55:12,614
<i>Oh, Daddy, Stinky Baby laugh too much?
Mm. Yeah. Oh, Stinky Baby win PB.</i>

1979
01:55:12,697 --> 01:55:17,577
<i>Daddy punish Baby.
Mm. Yeah. Yeah, I love it. Yeah.</i>

1980
01:55:18,077 --> 01:55:22,040
Whoa! This is gonna be on Tubi, Tone.
You shouldn't be talking like that.

1981
01:55:22,123 --> 01:55:25,668
That's nuts.
"Your stinky baby"? That's fucking crazy.

1982
01:55:25,752 --> 01:55:28,880
<i>You have anything
to plug besides baby's little butt</i>

1983
01:55:28,963 --> 01:55:30,924
<i>with binky binky?</i>

1984
01:55:32,592 --> 01:55:34,427
I'm glad you asked, Tone.

1985
01:55:34,510 --> 01:55:37,305
I'm on tour. Go to TimmyNoBrakes.com.

1986
01:55:37,388 --> 01:55:40,850
Ladies and gentlemen,
a force to be reckoned with.

1987
01:55:42,226 --> 01:55:44,395
The one and only. All right.

1988
01:55:45,355 --> 01:55:47,732
No. Don't, don't.
Timmy, get the fuck out of here.

1989
01:55:51,361 --> 01:55:52,862
Just got rejected by my wife.

1990
01:55:52,946 --> 01:55:55,907
There he goes. Timmy No Brakes, everybody.

1991
01:55:55,990 --> 01:56:00,036
A totally different kind of creature.

1992
01:56:00,119 --> 01:56:02,872
I gotta give you guys credit.
These people were ready to mosh.

1993
01:56:02,956 --> 01:56:06,125
It is an unbelievable crowd
we have here tonight.

1994
01:56:06,209 --> 01:56:07,794
How about a hand for yourselves?

1995
01:56:07,877 --> 01:56:10,588
You've been making noise
for everybody all night tonight.

1996
01:56:10,672 --> 01:56:14,425
What a beautiful crowd it is, huh?

1997
01:56:14,509 --> 01:56:16,010
Unbelievable.

1998
01:56:24,227 --> 01:56:25,728
Children.

1999
01:56:26,938 --> 01:56:29,607
- Children, where are you children?
- Slower.

2000
01:56:32,026 --> 01:56:36,280
- Hey, what's that?
- Lollipops, ice cream.

2001
01:56:36,364 --> 01:56:40,201
All free today.

2002
01:56:40,284 --> 01:56:42,370
- Come out, children.
- Oh, my God.

2003
01:56:42,453 --> 01:56:49,335
Ice cream, lollipops,
all free today, children.

2004
01:56:49,836 --> 01:56:55,633
Crinkle cakes, diarrhea bombs,
blueberry bubble bunches,

2005
01:56:55,717 --> 01:57:00,346
Chinese cinnamon buns,
marshmallow meatloaf,

2006
01:57:00,430 --> 01:57:03,891
and your sister's fallopian tubes, children.

2007
01:57:05,560 --> 01:57:10,064
This is my impression
of the Child Catcher in Minnesota.

2008
01:57:12,984 --> 01:57:14,027
Children.

2009
01:57:15,695 --> 01:57:20,491
Children?

2010
01:57:22,076 --> 01:57:24,120
Where the fuck are the children?

2011
01:57:27,498 --> 01:57:29,167
Lollipop.

2012
01:57:29,250 --> 01:57:34,797
Licky lick, licky lick,
licky lick, licky lick.

2013
01:57:36,215 --> 01:57:38,551
It's the villain
from <i>Chitty Chitty Bang Bang</i>

2014
01:57:38,634 --> 01:57:41,512
- that I didn't know about two months ago.
- All free today.

2015
01:57:42,138 --> 01:57:45,725
Lollipops, blueberry blundle blinches,

2016
01:57:46,225 --> 01:57:52,857
cinnamon twat burgers,
and lemon yellow raspberry bacon burgers.

2017
01:57:52,940 --> 01:57:56,611
- All free today.
- Whoa!

2018
01:58:02,492 --> 01:58:04,994
All free today.

2019
01:58:06,496 --> 01:58:09,290
Ladies and gentlemen,
how the hell are you?

2020
01:58:13,086 --> 01:58:16,964
Make some noise,
it's the 2024 Guest of the Year,

2021
01:58:17,048 --> 01:58:18,841
Harland Williams!

2022
01:58:35,066 --> 01:58:36,526
{\an8}How are you, everybody?

2023
01:58:38,694 --> 01:58:41,114
{\an8}Wow. What a treat.

2024
01:58:42,657 --> 01:58:48,412
I gotta tell you, I was walking around,
Tony, Roseanne, Dave, everybody.

2025
01:58:48,496 --> 01:58:51,833
I was walking around in Austin,

2026
01:58:52,667 --> 01:58:55,503
and an Austin hottie recognized me.

2027
01:58:55,586 --> 01:59:00,508
A beautiful, probably a ten
out of ten hottie recognized me.

2028
01:59:00,591 --> 01:59:02,260
She did one of these.
She did one of these.

2029
01:59:02,343 --> 01:59:03,845
She goes, "I love you, Harland."

2030
01:59:03,928 --> 01:59:07,265
And I said, "Wow, that's pretty bold, man.
I don't even know you."

2031
01:59:07,348 --> 01:59:09,976
You're doing one of these?
I said, "What's that all about?"

2032
01:59:10,059 --> 01:59:14,105
She said, "Hey, I think you should say
what's on your mind."

2033
01:59:14,188 --> 01:59:15,398
So I said, "Okay."

2034
01:59:21,195 --> 01:59:22,905
And she gave me one of these.

2035
01:59:23,656 --> 01:59:24,949
And I said, "No, thanks."

2036
01:59:25,032 --> 01:59:27,702
"I'm not into ass play,
but thanks for asking."

2037
01:59:29,579 --> 01:59:33,624
How many people out here have
the mucus flu that's going around, huh?

2038
01:59:36,002 --> 01:59:38,296
Thanks for sitting right up front, guy.

2039
01:59:39,005 --> 01:59:41,924
Have you had this mucus flu
where you wake up in the morning

2040
01:59:42,008 --> 01:59:44,760
and the goblins come out, the snot,

2041
01:59:44,844 --> 01:59:48,431
that fucking Mucinex guy comes out
and he's standing at the end of your bed,

2042
01:59:48,514 --> 01:59:51,976
that little green snot goblin,
he's like, "You're going to die, buddy."

2043
01:59:54,103 --> 01:59:56,272
I have this little ritual
I do with my girlfriend.

2044
01:59:56,355 --> 01:59:58,149
We wake up in the morning and...

2045
01:59:58,858 --> 02:00:01,569
she does this cute little thing
where she says,

2046
02:00:01,652 --> 02:00:04,780
"Good morning, my little morning bird."
And she's like...

2047
02:00:13,789 --> 02:00:16,042
And now she wakes up
in the morning with the flu

2048
02:00:16,125 --> 02:00:17,210
and she's like, "Good morning."

2049
02:00:22,298 --> 02:00:25,134
I took a shower with her the other day.
You ever do that?

2050
02:00:25,218 --> 02:00:28,179
You ever get in the shower
with your girlfriend

2051
02:00:28,262 --> 02:00:31,682
and you gotta figure out
who's gonna get the warm water

2052
02:00:31,766 --> 02:00:36,229
'cause it's only, like, this big, right?
So you gotta shuffle around in the shower,

2053
02:00:36,312 --> 02:00:39,106
suddenly it turns
into the shower square dance, right?

2054
02:00:39,649 --> 02:00:40,816
You're in the shower, you're like...

2055
02:00:40,900 --> 02:00:45,279
<i>In the shower with my chick
She gets warm while I freeze my dick</i>

2056
02:00:45,905 --> 02:00:49,909
<i>Do-si-do, twirl back
Grab the soap and scrub her crack</i>

2057
02:00:50,993 --> 02:00:52,453
<i>Pull her close for a kiss</i>

2058
02:00:52,536 --> 02:00:55,039
<i>When her eyes are shut
I'll take a piss</i>

2059
02:00:55,122 --> 02:00:57,667
Come on, guys, you do it.

2060
02:00:57,750 --> 02:01:00,169
How many of you guys,
when your girlfriend's washing her hair,

2061
02:01:00,253 --> 02:01:04,382
are pissing on her leg?

2062
02:01:04,465 --> 02:01:08,344
She's like, "Why does the water burn?
It stings like a jellyfish."

2063
02:01:10,972 --> 02:01:12,598
All right, I gotta take this nose off.

2064
02:01:12,682 --> 02:01:14,684
I feel like
I'm in the steam room at my gym

2065
02:01:14,767 --> 02:01:17,019
and a guy just stood up in front of me.

2066
02:01:19,063 --> 02:01:20,064
I feel like an idiot.

2067
02:01:20,147 --> 02:01:23,317
Last thing I want to do
is come out here on national TV

2068
02:01:23,401 --> 02:01:24,610
and look like an idiot.

2069
02:01:34,161 --> 02:01:35,955
Tony, thanks for having me.

2070
02:01:36,038 --> 02:01:39,500
You guys, my sister
just got her saliva glands removed.

2071
02:01:39,583 --> 02:01:42,878
Give her a hand. God bless you.
Have a great New Year.

2072
02:01:43,504 --> 02:01:46,424
- Thank you very much. Wow.
- Harland Williams.

2073
02:01:48,426 --> 02:01:51,470
All free today, children.

2074
02:01:51,554 --> 02:01:53,264
Thank you. Happy New Year.

2075
02:01:53,347 --> 02:01:57,310
Make some fucking noise
for the great Harland Williams, everybody.

2076
02:01:57,393 --> 02:02:00,062
Gracing us with his presence,

2077
02:02:00,146 --> 02:02:05,776
he is the 2024 Guest of the Year...

2078
02:02:05,860 --> 02:02:09,280
...which brings us
to a very special time in the show.

2079
02:02:09,363 --> 02:02:11,782
Every New Year's Eve
for the last three years,

2080
02:02:11,866 --> 02:02:17,163
we have awarded the new
Guest of the Year on New Year's Eve.

2081
02:02:17,246 --> 02:02:19,540
This year will be no different.

2082
02:02:19,623 --> 02:02:24,086
Here to give out
the ultra-prestigious <i>Kill Tony</i> Award,

2083
02:02:24,170 --> 02:02:25,796
ladies and gentlemen,

2084
02:02:25,880 --> 02:02:30,634
make some noise
for all of our best friend, Austin's own...

2085
02:02:31,469 --> 02:02:35,806
Joe Rogan, everybody.

2086
02:02:41,645 --> 02:02:44,315
{\an8}Happy New Year, everybody.

2087
02:02:44,398 --> 02:02:45,733
{\an8}Thank you very much.

2088
02:02:46,609 --> 02:02:48,486
{\an8}Ladies and gentlemen, how about <i>Kill Tony?</i>

2089
02:02:52,698 --> 02:02:57,328
Ladies and gentlemen,
the 2025 Kill Tony Guest of the Year Award

2090
02:02:57,411 --> 02:03:02,291
was voted on by the entire cast,
the crew, and the band,

2091
02:03:02,375 --> 02:03:06,837
and in a stunning turn of events
has ended in a tie.

2092
02:03:06,921 --> 02:03:08,506
Roll the video, please.

2093
02:03:09,298 --> 02:03:11,008
{\an8}<i>Every Monday for 12 years,</i>

2094
02:03:11,092 --> 02:03:15,930
{\an8}<i>we've put out an episode,
and this man has never been on before.</i>

2095
02:03:16,013 --> 02:03:19,850
{\an8}One of the greatest comedians of all time.

2096
02:03:19,934 --> 02:03:22,228
Get on your fucking feet
and make some noise

2097
02:03:22,311 --> 02:03:24,897
{\an8}for the great and powerful Carrot Top!

2098
02:03:24,980 --> 02:03:27,817
{\an8}Oh, yeah!

2099
02:03:27,900 --> 02:03:29,610
{\an8}Let's fucking go!

2100
02:03:31,445 --> 02:03:33,697
- I have a prop, I have a prop.
- Let's go.

2101
02:03:33,781 --> 02:03:36,409
It's a mousetrap to catch gay mice, see.

2102
02:03:36,492 --> 02:03:38,661
The mouse comes in...

2103
02:03:40,037 --> 02:03:41,997
This is a coffee cup for lesbians.
See, they can...

2104
02:03:42,081 --> 02:03:43,833
Hey!

2105
02:03:43,916 --> 02:03:46,836
It's a towel when you go to Disney.

2106
02:03:46,919 --> 02:03:49,213
You can walk around the pool.
"Hey, what's going on?"

2107
02:03:49,296 --> 02:03:51,882
You know that picture's gonna be
on the internet of me sitting there

2108
02:03:51,966 --> 02:03:55,302
looking at Carrot Top's shit
hanging out of his towel.

2109
02:03:57,430 --> 02:04:00,099
One of the biggest
comedy movie stars of all time,

2110
02:04:00,182 --> 02:04:03,769
{\an8}ladies and gentlemen, I present to you
our guest, Rob Schneider!

2111
02:04:05,938 --> 02:04:09,066
{\an8}You can do it!
Number one show in the world!

2112
02:04:09,150 --> 02:04:11,444
- Yeah!
- Hit it!

2113
02:04:12,319 --> 02:04:15,072
- What do you do for work?
- I'm a realtor's assistant.

2114
02:04:15,156 --> 02:04:16,449
In my, you know, experience,

2115
02:04:16,532 --> 02:04:19,952
even a half-retarded person
could be a real estate person, so...

2116
02:04:20,536 --> 02:04:22,204
You cannot say that, Rob!

2117
02:04:22,288 --> 02:04:26,542
A half-realtor assistant could be
a full retard, I'm thinking.

2118
02:04:27,668 --> 02:04:31,255
Can we get a little
on Rob's nipple there? Yeah.

2119
02:04:32,715 --> 02:04:35,259
- As someone--
- What I'm saying is...

2120
02:04:35,342 --> 02:04:37,261
- The Black guy's interrupting me again.
- What I'm saying is...

2121
02:04:37,344 --> 02:04:38,304
<i>Hey!</i>

2122
02:04:38,387 --> 02:04:42,099
Chew that dick, chew that dick.
Chew that dick, chew that dick.

2123
02:04:42,600 --> 02:04:45,102
Can you give me one minute uninterrupted?

2124
02:04:45,186 --> 02:04:47,938
If you give me
five fucking seconds uninterrupted.

2125
02:04:50,733 --> 02:04:54,278
<i>Oh!</i>

2126
02:05:02,912 --> 02:05:05,706
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Guests Of the Year award,

2127
02:05:05,789 --> 02:05:08,876
Rob Schneider and Carrot Top.

2128
02:05:08,959 --> 02:05:12,087
Oh, my God, thank you so much.

2129
02:05:15,674 --> 02:05:16,842
Thank you, buddy.

2130
02:05:22,598 --> 02:05:24,558
Wait, we both won? We both won?

2131
02:05:24,642 --> 02:05:25,851
I think you have your own mic, right?

2132
02:05:25,935 --> 02:05:28,270
- Oh, wait. No, I do have my own mic, yeah.
- There you go.

2133
02:05:28,354 --> 02:05:30,689
Yes, you both won. Congratulations.

2134
02:05:30,773 --> 02:05:32,942
Oh, thank you, Joe.
You're a hero, by the way.

2135
02:05:33,025 --> 02:05:36,362
During COVID, the only person
that I believed the whole time

2136
02:05:36,445 --> 02:05:39,156
was like, what is Joe Rogan saying?
God bless you, buddy.

2137
02:05:39,240 --> 02:05:41,575
I love you. You're a hero. A hero.

2138
02:05:41,659 --> 02:05:47,122
And a lesson to show to comedians,
you can be more than just a comedian.

2139
02:05:47,206 --> 02:05:50,209
You can change the world, and you did.
God bless you, buddy.

2140
02:05:50,292 --> 02:05:51,669
I mean it.

2141
02:05:51,752 --> 02:05:54,713
I feel very uncomfortable.
I took a wild guess and I was right.

2142
02:05:54,797 --> 02:05:57,216
That's all that happened.

2143
02:05:57,299 --> 02:06:00,135
I'm saying I don't trust anybody.
But you guys are awesome.

2144
02:06:00,219 --> 02:06:03,097
- Congratulations to both of you.
- And Tony... And Ton--

2145
02:06:03,180 --> 02:06:04,306
Shit. I'm talking into the--

2146
02:06:04,390 --> 02:06:06,559
I'm talking into the--
And Tony, thank you so much.

2147
02:06:08,185 --> 02:06:10,521
I feel bad chewing gum.
I should probably...

2148
02:06:11,188 --> 02:06:12,064
The...

2149
02:06:13,774 --> 02:06:16,402
It's horrible to have gum
in your mouth when you're up here.

2150
02:06:16,485 --> 02:06:19,863
You guys are the best crowd putting up
with, like, five hours of a show.

2151
02:06:19,947 --> 02:06:22,074
- Tony, Roseanne. Oh, man, you.
- Yeah.

2152
02:06:22,157 --> 02:06:24,577
You've been very well.
You're good to me, my man.

2153
02:06:25,077 --> 02:06:27,788
- Rob.
- Tony, thank you for this, man.

2154
02:06:27,871 --> 02:06:30,124
I've got to tell you,
I never felt more love

2155
02:06:30,207 --> 02:06:32,751
from any group of comedians
than at the Mothership

2156
02:06:32,835 --> 02:06:36,255
and from... from you, Tony,
so I thank you so much.

2157
02:06:36,338 --> 02:06:39,258
- I appreciate it. Thank you.
- Much deserved, gentlemen.

2158
02:06:39,341 --> 02:06:42,303
It ended in a crazy 22-to-22 tie.

2159
02:06:42,386 --> 02:06:44,346
- Can I do one more prop?
- Yeah, one more prop.

2160
02:06:44,430 --> 02:06:46,557
One more prop. I forgot.

2161
02:06:46,640 --> 02:06:49,476
It's a party favor
for someone tonight that has asthma.

2162
02:06:52,896 --> 02:06:54,565
So you can have a good time and not die.

2163
02:06:54,648 --> 02:06:56,900
This is the craziest show on planet Earth.

2164
02:06:56,984 --> 02:07:00,154
Guys, can you make it loud
one more time for Joe Rogan

2165
02:07:00,237 --> 02:07:05,743
{\an8}and our 2025 Guests of the Year?

2166
02:07:05,826 --> 02:07:08,370
{\an8}- Man, I love you, buddy.
- Congrats, man.

2167
02:07:10,623 --> 02:07:12,458
Thank you guys so much.

2168
02:07:15,085 --> 02:07:18,047
Why don't we grab-- Can we grab
one more chair for Carrot Top

2169
02:07:18,130 --> 02:07:21,925
and he can sit up here with us
just to close out the show real quick?

2170
02:07:22,009 --> 02:07:25,179
Because there's only one way
to end an episode like this.

2171
02:07:25,262 --> 02:07:27,931
Come over here, Carrot.
Rob, you can sit back down.

2172
02:07:28,015 --> 02:07:30,601
We're gonna grab you a chair
real quick, Carrot.

2173
02:07:30,684 --> 02:07:32,436
We're gonna grab you a chair.

2174
02:07:32,519 --> 02:07:35,814
Because there's only one way
to end an episode like this.

2175
02:07:35,898 --> 02:07:37,858
You can sit up here and join us.

2176
02:07:38,525 --> 02:07:39,693
- Here.
- Yeah.

2177
02:07:40,361 --> 02:07:43,238
And that is with the comedian
that holds the record

2178
02:07:43,322 --> 02:07:48,202
for most all-time appearances,
the most all-time interviews,

2179
02:07:48,869 --> 02:07:52,247
a living member
of the <i>Kill Tony</i> Hall of Fame.

2180
02:07:52,331 --> 02:07:56,960
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is the Austin Orangutan,

2181
02:07:57,044 --> 02:08:00,881
the Memphis Strangler,
the Nuisance of Nashville,

2182
02:08:00,964 --> 02:08:04,927
the Big Red Machine, the Vanilla Gorilla,

2183
02:08:05,010 --> 02:08:08,347
William Montgomery!

2184
02:08:35,249 --> 02:08:38,460
Guess I didn't realize
so many daycare centers

2185
02:08:38,544 --> 02:08:41,672
had been hijacked by Somali pirates.

2186
02:08:43,632 --> 02:08:46,885
They get a substitute teacher
and the teacher's like,

2187
02:08:46,969 --> 02:08:49,304
"We're watching <i>Black Hawk Down</i> today."

2188
02:08:49,388 --> 02:08:50,723
And the three-year-olds are like,

2189
02:08:50,806 --> 02:08:53,392
"Again, we watched that movie
six times last week."

2190
02:08:55,185 --> 02:08:57,980
I'm kidding.
Those schools don't have kids.

2191
02:08:58,063 --> 02:09:00,816
They're referred to as child soldiers.

2192
02:09:02,401 --> 02:09:06,905
I wish every ethnic group
would start a daycare center.

2193
02:09:06,989 --> 02:09:11,744
Like you go to a Jamaican Head Start
and it's actually just a head shop.

2194
02:09:14,204 --> 02:09:16,874
You go to the German daycare center
and they're like,

2195
02:09:16,957 --> 02:09:19,251
"No, it's actually just a camp."

2196
02:09:19,334 --> 02:09:21,295
And you're like, "The kids are at camp?"

2197
02:09:21,378 --> 02:09:24,256
And they go, "No, no, no, no, no.
They're running the camp."

2198
02:09:26,008 --> 02:09:30,387
So is the Vatican working
alongside the K-pop Demon Hunters?

2199
02:09:31,305 --> 02:09:36,351
They need help!
Okay, that's my time, Tony!

2200
02:09:36,852 --> 02:09:40,981
The most beloved creature,
William Montgomery.

2201
02:09:42,608 --> 02:09:47,154
Tony, I thought these people were familiar
with the Somali situation, dude.

2202
02:09:48,197 --> 02:09:50,199
- Yeah.
- But it's so nice to be here.

2203
02:09:50,282 --> 02:09:54,495
I actually just got back from Saudi Arabia
and got these hair transplants,

2204
02:09:54,578 --> 02:09:57,039
but they're actually Swarovski crystals.

2205
02:09:57,122 --> 02:09:59,500
- Wow.
- Yup.

2206
02:09:59,583 --> 02:10:02,711
- Ooh!
- It was a good Christmas for me.

2207
02:10:02,795 --> 02:10:08,884
So, yeah, back in town and yes, having fun
watching the new <i>Stranger Things.</i>

2208
02:10:08,967 --> 02:10:11,386
Okay. How's that going?

2209
02:10:11,470 --> 02:10:14,264
- I'm hating it, Tony!
- Uh-oh.

2210
02:10:15,641 --> 02:10:17,518
- Tough.
- What do you--

2211
02:10:17,601 --> 02:10:20,771
We're on Netflix right now.
I don't think you're supposed

2212
02:10:20,854 --> 02:10:22,356
- to bash <i>Stranger Things.</i>
- Oh, oh, oh!

2213
02:10:22,439 --> 02:10:26,151
- Right. No, yeah, it's great.
- What do you love about it?

2214
02:10:26,235 --> 02:10:28,278
Oh, my gosh, just all the characters.

2215
02:10:28,362 --> 02:10:31,281
I mean, you know I'm talking
about Eleven, Tony!

2216
02:10:31,365 --> 02:10:32,825
Wow.

2217
02:10:32,908 --> 02:10:36,370
No, actually, she looks too old!

2218
02:10:36,453 --> 02:10:38,247
I can't believe it!

2219
02:10:40,165 --> 02:10:41,917
Who else?

2220
02:10:42,000 --> 02:10:45,420
That one kid's a homosexual,
which I think is beautiful.

2221
02:10:46,672 --> 02:10:48,090
Yeah, yeah.

2222
02:10:48,715 --> 02:10:51,301
But yeah, I don't know.
It's almost New Year's.

2223
02:10:52,135 --> 02:10:53,095
Amazing.

2224
02:10:53,178 --> 02:10:59,017
You're the only person to come out tonight
wearing their security clearance lanyard.

2225
02:10:59,101 --> 02:11:02,437
As though someone
may have stopped you backstage.

2226
02:11:02,521 --> 02:11:03,689
They did, Tony.

2227
02:11:03,772 --> 02:11:06,275
They saw me,
and they were trying to kick me out,

2228
02:11:06,358 --> 02:11:08,819
and I literally had to get this
out of my fucking back pocket.

2229
02:11:08,902 --> 02:11:10,988
I've had a real
horrible time tonight, Tony.

2230
02:11:11,071 --> 02:11:13,156
Some guy literally is like,
"Who the fuck are you?"

2231
02:11:13,240 --> 02:11:14,324
"What's that shit on your head?"

2232
02:11:14,408 --> 02:11:16,076
And I'm like, "Dude,
I'm on the fucking show."

2233
02:11:16,159 --> 02:11:20,289
"I was just in Saudi Arabia.
What the fuck are you questioning me for?"

2234
02:11:20,372 --> 02:11:21,790
And I put it around my neck.

2235
02:11:21,874 --> 02:11:23,959
I had to, 'cause I didn't want
to deal with that again.

2236
02:11:24,042 --> 02:11:25,210
Amazing.

2237
02:11:25,294 --> 02:11:28,213
Redban, you look fun with that shit
on your head, you idiot.

2238
02:11:28,297 --> 02:11:30,048
Do you know that's on there?
Are you doing that on purpose?

2239
02:11:30,132 --> 02:11:32,551
Thanks for shooting that shit at me, man.
That actually hurt.

2240
02:11:32,634 --> 02:11:35,470
- That actually really hurt.
- Yeah, that was very loud.

2241
02:11:35,554 --> 02:11:39,850
A ballsy move to shoot a high-level
confetti cannon directly at us.

2242
02:11:42,019 --> 02:11:42,936
I was honestly--

2243
02:11:43,020 --> 02:11:47,149
I was pretending like it was a gun,
Redban, and I was able to do it.

2244
02:11:47,816 --> 02:11:51,028
A ballsy maneuver, the maneuver of a man
that knows he can get away

2245
02:11:51,111 --> 02:11:54,781
with just about anything.
William, you are a wild boy.

2246
02:11:54,865 --> 02:11:55,908
You guys have any feedback

2247
02:11:55,991 --> 02:11:58,744
for the absolutely insane
William Montgomery?

2248
02:12:01,288 --> 02:12:03,582
You're definitely outside the box.

2249
02:12:03,665 --> 02:12:08,170
You have your own energy
and you own what you do.

2250
02:12:08,253 --> 02:12:12,716
I'm not here to say good or bad.
I just know that I recognize different.

2251
02:12:12,799 --> 02:12:16,178
You, my friend, are very different.
You stand out.

2252
02:12:17,596 --> 02:12:20,515
You are a star on this show. So, yeah.

2253
02:12:20,599 --> 02:12:23,560
- I don't know what you guys thought.
- And Tony, I feel horrible.

2254
02:12:23,644 --> 02:12:26,813
I mean, Dedrick was crying, fucking...

2255
02:12:26,897 --> 02:12:29,441
People were crying up here tonight,
and it's like, I don't wanna cry up here.

2256
02:12:29,524 --> 02:12:32,152
I almost feel like I need to cry up here,
but I don't feel like crying up here.

2257
02:12:32,235 --> 02:12:33,278
Don't cry.

2258
02:12:33,362 --> 02:12:36,865
Well, let me tell you,
some people entertain an audience,

2259
02:12:36,949 --> 02:12:38,075
some people frighten an audience,

2260
02:12:38,158 --> 02:12:40,410
and you did both tonight,
so congratulations.

2261
02:12:40,494 --> 02:12:42,746
- Thank you.
- No doubt about it.

2262
02:12:42,829 --> 02:12:46,458
- Roseanne Barr.
- William, no one is like you.

2263
02:12:46,541 --> 02:12:50,587
No one is as brave
and untraditional as you.

2264
02:12:51,129 --> 02:12:56,635
Nobody gets out of the box
quite as fast and goes as far as you do.

2265
02:12:56,718 --> 02:12:59,346
- You know I love you.
- We can smoke after this, Roseanne.

2266
02:12:59,429 --> 02:13:03,308
You have the best pot
of anybody in the whole fucking world.

2267
02:13:03,392 --> 02:13:06,561
The last time I smoked your pot
and went on stage,

2268
02:13:06,645 --> 02:13:11,316
there was quite a nervous breakdown
and I'm very ashamed of that

2269
02:13:11,400 --> 02:13:14,361
and Tony made me promise
I would never smoke your pot,

2270
02:13:14,444 --> 02:13:19,199
and be on his show ever again
because I was acting like Pauly Shore.

2271
02:13:19,700 --> 02:13:21,868
But, um...

2272
02:13:21,952 --> 02:13:28,125
But William,
you are an unparalleled weirdo,

2273
02:13:28,208 --> 02:13:31,378
and that is why we all love you so much.

2274
02:13:31,461 --> 02:13:32,796
- Yeah.
- Thank you.

2275
02:13:32,879 --> 02:13:35,924
Fly high, brother.

2276
02:13:36,008 --> 02:13:39,177
Let's check in
with your big brother Carrot Top here.

2277
02:13:39,261 --> 02:13:42,139
I'm just going to say, if Liberace
and I fuck, you would be you.

2278
02:13:42,222 --> 02:13:43,432
You would be our baby.

2279
02:13:44,766 --> 02:13:49,229
Not-- We've had two babies together,
but you are brilliant.

2280
02:13:49,813 --> 02:13:50,856
I mean, you really are.

2281
02:13:50,939 --> 02:13:54,735
And as a fellow redhead, you know,
you're stealing my gig a little bit,

2282
02:13:54,818 --> 02:13:57,779
but really funny.
And I love the fucking crystal head.

2283
02:13:57,863 --> 02:14:01,742
I love the joke about getting his head--
What did you say, hair implants?

2284
02:14:01,825 --> 02:14:03,827
- Very funny.
- Thank you.

2285
02:14:03,910 --> 02:14:06,538
You're the only comic
that has the balls to take on

2286
02:14:06,621 --> 02:14:09,833
- the Saudi Arabian kerfuffle.
- I know.

2287
02:14:09,916 --> 02:14:12,627
I was thinking, "Am I gonna get
into Saudi Arabia tonight?"

2288
02:14:12,711 --> 02:14:14,296
And I thought,
"Yes, I'm going to get into it."

2289
02:14:14,379 --> 02:14:17,174
"I'm gonna say my hair plugs
are from Saudi Arabia."

2290
02:14:17,799 --> 02:14:19,676
Fuck Saudi Arabia.

2291
02:14:19,760 --> 02:14:22,804
Okay. All right.

2292
02:14:22,888 --> 02:14:24,931
Yes. Agreed.

2293
02:14:27,059 --> 02:14:29,519
And as soon as we say fuck Saudi Arabia,

2294
02:14:29,603 --> 02:14:32,647
we lose the audio for...

2295
02:14:32,731 --> 02:14:34,357
...for the show. Amazing.

2296
02:14:34,441 --> 02:14:37,861
Uh. William, any parting words
you want to say?

2297
02:14:38,403 --> 02:14:41,364
I hope everybody has a wonderful 2026.

2298
02:14:41,448 --> 02:14:44,201
And if you're looking for a fun...

2299
02:14:44,284 --> 02:14:47,496
...if you're looking for a fun thing to do,
I would look into doing puzzles.

2300
02:14:47,579 --> 02:14:49,873
I've done seven puzzles
in the past two weeks.

2301
02:14:49,956 --> 02:14:52,125
I'm having a real crazy time
in my life right now.

2302
02:14:52,209 --> 02:14:55,087
But just know that I ain't ever
going to stop doing puzzles, Tony!

2303
02:14:55,170 --> 02:14:56,797
- Yeah.
- Nice to be here.

2304
02:14:56,880 --> 02:15:00,175
William Montgomery. And we did it.

2305
02:15:00,258 --> 02:15:07,224
This has been the Netflix special,
<i>Kill Tony, Once Upon a Time in Texas.</i>

2306
02:15:07,307 --> 02:15:12,395
Can you guys make noise one more time
for all the amazing guests?

2307
02:15:12,479 --> 02:15:15,774
Roseanne Barr, Rob Schneider,

2308
02:15:15,857 --> 02:15:18,401
Fluffy, Carrot Top,

2309
02:15:18,902 --> 02:15:24,449
Joe Rogan, the great Joe DeRosa,
James McCann...

2310
02:15:26,118 --> 02:15:29,496
Dedrick Flynn, Fiona Cauley, Ari Matti,

2311
02:15:30,664 --> 02:15:35,585
Kam Patterson, Timmy No Brakes,
and William Montgomery.

2312
02:15:35,669 --> 02:15:37,671
Did you guys have a great night tonight?

2313
02:15:37,754 --> 02:15:41,299
Happy New Year!

2314
02:15:41,383 --> 02:15:44,344
Happy New Year.
Let's have the best 2026 ever.

2315
02:15:44,427 --> 02:15:48,223
I love you guys. Thank you.
Good night, everybody.

2316
02:16:44,321 --> 02:16:45,363
<i>Yeah!</i>