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Hey, this is Redban coming to you live from the Moody Center
here in Austin, Texas, for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony.
Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?
- Brian Redban, ladies and gentlemen. - What's up?
And how about one more time
for the best damn band in all the land, huh?
Oh, my God.
Here we are, another day at the office. How the fuck are we doing, Austin, Texas?
Oh. It feels good to be home. How exciting is this?
What a damn show we have ahead of you. We're gonna have a blast tonight.
How many of you traveled from a faraway land to be here tonight?
Welcome, welcome. How many of you live in Austin, Texas?
Look at that. A booming economy here, as always, in Austin.
We're gonna have so much goddamn fun tonight.
We have no ads, no sponsors. We are on Netflix tonight, everybody.
How exciting.
You know, I think we just roll right into it.
I don't see any reason why we should wait.
We have a lot of show to get to tonight, so let's get it started with a bang.
I'm gonna bring up your first panelist, everybody.
One of the best in the world,
the most watched Netflix special of the year,
make some noise for Fluffy, Gabriel Iglesias, ladies and gentlemen.
Here we fucking go.
The man is back.
You know him. You love him.
- Texas's own Fluffy, everybody. - What's up, Austin?
I love it.
- Fluffy, welcome back. How we doing? - Thank you, Tony.
This is awesome, man. Happy New Year, everybody.
Fluffy, this is a wild show tonight, and it's a very, very special one.
And you're gonna get it started. Just us. Just the three of us.
- Me, you, and Redban. - Just the three of us
- And we have something-- - That's pretty good, huh?
You didn't know that. "Oh, my God. He can sing."
- When I'm drunk. - You have a sweet voice and soft feet.
I remember those soft feet
from last time you were on.
I'm gonna make a special announcement, everybody.
For those of you that are die-hard fans of the show, you may know that
only at Madison Square Garden have we ever had a Legends bucket,
but here it is with us tonight,
for the first time ever, outside of New York City.
I was able to secure it,
and I'm gonna pull out of the Legends bucket,
and we're going to get a short set from one of the greatest comedians
in Kill Tony history,
and then they are going to join the panel. Sound like a deal?
Well, let's get it started.
Ladies and gentlemen, your first legend tonight,
oh my God, make some fucking noise,
only literally the GOAT,
Roseanne Barr, everybody. Here we go.
Hi, Tony. Hi.
Hi, Austin, Texas!
Fuck yeah, Texas! Fuck yeah, Texas!
I moved here three-and-a-half years ago. I love Texas so much.
You can walk around anywheres wearing a gun,
and you can shoot anything or anybody you fucking feel like shooting.
Hell yeah!
I love it here.
I love you, Roseanne!
I love you.
Thank you, Tony, for inviting me to do three minutes,
which I haven't done for a long, long time.
But I didn't even know if anybody remembered me anymore, you know?
Thank you all so much. 'Cause, like, when I go out,
people oftentimes will confuse me for Rosie O'Donnell.
I don't know why, but...
...now it happens quite frequent.
You know, it's upsetting to me too.
They'll go, "Hey, Rosie, you cutie patootie."
"Hey, Rosie, we miss you there on The View."
"Hey, Rosie, you're right. Fuck Trump. He is a fascist."
Kind of bums me out, you know?
I'm like, "Hey, I'm not the one whose kid is a crack whore in prison there."
For hell's sake. I support Trump.
I'm the one that likes dick.
I've always liked dick.
All kinds of dick.
I've had about every kind of dick you can have and I liked it all.
I'm a big fan of dick.
No problem with that.
It was the, you know, stuff around it that I had problems with.
The other parts of the body
that kept the stem cell alive there, had problems with that.
Some say I gave up too much for dick.
Three divorces, went broke.
Perhaps I loved too much, you know what I mean?
I'm kind of proof that you can suck and fuck your way to the bottom.
And I can't wait to do it all again, ladies and gentlemen.
God bless America and Kill Tony.
Roseanne Barr, ladies and gentlemen.
Roseanne, get over here. Join us.
Roseanne Barr, everybody.
Roseanne, multiple-time guest on the show, legend, one of the greatest of all time.
You know how the show works. I pre-pulled a name.
How about one more time for Roseanne, everybody?
I pre-pull the name out of the normal bucket.
You guys know how it works. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted.
You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.
That means they have to wrap it up then
or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.
And that's the gist of it. I interview them after that.
They get to talk to our esteemed panel.
You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?
And why not start with the absolute newest regular
in the Kill Tony universe?
Ladies and gentlemen, the Dark Storm of Atlanta is here.
This is the arena debut of Dedrick Flynn.
Dedrick!
Oh, man.
Y'all, I had to take a plane from Atlanta, Georgia
to Provo, Utah, to go...
It wasn't a good experience, uh...
...because the only flight
leaving out of Atlanta to Utah only left at five o'clock in the morning
'cause they don't want people from Atlanta going there.
And so, I called my Uber at three o'clock in the morning
and it take him an hour to get there
'cause he keep going like a weird, like, way.
And I wanted to cancel the Uber.
I wanted to cancel the Uber,
but he kept accepting it back every time I request a new driver.
So, he finally come pick me up. We start driving to the airport.
And when we get on the interstate, he gets pulled over by six officers.
And they're like, "Get down on the ground now."
And I'm crying 'cause I'm high.
And I'm sitting over there.
And I was like, "I need to go to my flight." He said, "Okay, go."
But I can't call another Uber from the interstate.
And I'm chilling.
And I'm so panicking right now. I'm so sorry, y'all.
I'm so sorry.
So, I tried to call a--
You can't call an Uber from the interstate.
So, I looked at one of the cops. I was like, "Can y'all drop me off?"
And then he said, "Yes."
But that nigga didn't let me sit in the front seat.
He made me get in the back.
I wanted to play with the laptop, but...
He turned on the sirens, he fly down there,
we get to the airport.
I can't get out 'cause I'm in the back, so he got to come open my door up.
Then he tried to help me with my baggage, and I made eye contact
with 20 Black people shaking their head like this at me.
'Cause I look like an Olympic gold medal snitch.
And then right before I walk into the airport after being ashamed,
he going to get on his intercom and go, "Have a safe flight."
Shut the fuck up!
Do your job. All right, y'all, that's my time.
There he is. Dedrick Flynn.
With his arena debut, his Netflix debut, heart beating out of his chest.
- That was awesome. That was awesome. - Yeah.
Incredible energy, incredible confidence.
I don't have to say anything. They speak for everyone. You guys.
Great job, man.
Great job.
That was beautiful.
That was beautiful, man.
Thank you so much, man.
I've been waiting to meet you my whole life, dawg.
Hey.
I got so many bootleg DVDs of your comedy stuff.
I was getting my hair cut, like, "You got that new Fluffy?"
"Let me get that." That was...
Dedrick Flynn, you're in your hometown of Austin, Texas right now.
He stayed focused.
He had incredible energy coming out the gate.
I was connected from the second you walked out.
That was a wonderful story.
You got good energy and great personality, and you're very real.
- I appreciate that. - It... It does--
Man, hey, those emotions, it's a beautiful thing.
This is a powerful thing that you just overcame.
So, I don't know, how long have you been doing comedy?
- A little over 12 years. - Man, and it shows.
- And it shows. - Goddamn!
Bitch, I'm on Netflix!
Hell yeah.
All right, the real question is, how much did you pay for those bootlegs?
I wanna know what the going rate was back then.
So the ones that was blue on the bottom was ten dollars,
and the ones that scratch up all the time
- was five. - Hey, man.
- So I owe you some money, I think. - Nice.
You got Cash App?
Dedrick, your life has done a complete 180 in the past couple months.
You're the newest regular on this show. Tell us about that.
How have things changed? We've heard you rap.
We've seen you get a new grill, but--
Oh, yeah, let me put the top in.
No, no, no, you don't need to do that.
- Let me put it, let me put it... - You really--
Where I put it at? Where I put it at?
Roseanne, you so pretty.
- Thank you. - You...
- Thank you. You know, is this on? - Yes!
I was gonna say that was some brilliant shit that I heard,
that was roundabout, convoluted, back, forth, and up and down.
That was some poetic, hilarious narrative that I've never heard before.
And I was blown away by you. I love you.
- Oh, my God, I'm talking to Roseanne Barr. - Right.
I love you.
I'm from Georgia, so we watched you on TBS every Sunday,
right after we watch Gunsmoke, and then we watch you.
Well, you're just a brilliant comic, honey, and you're gonna go far.
Oh.
Dedrick, I talked to your mom.
All right, there's gold teeth.
- For those of you-- - Kill Tony, dawg.
I'm sorry.
For those of you that just flipped over
from whatever Tyler Perry movie's on Netflix...
...that is indeed
the Dark Storm of Atlanta, Dedrick Flynn.
I've talked to your mom. I've never asked you, is dad in your life?
You did. I told you my dad was dead the first time.
Oh! Okay, perfect.
Is-- But he here now.
You know what I'm saying? He in the building.
- My mom couldn't make it. - He is.
- My dad is in here. - He is.
I believe he's in catering right now.
D Madness said
he can see my dad when he in the room.
Dedrick, you are the man. You did it again.
Everybody loves you. Welcome to the Kill Tony family.
- His arena debut. His Netflix debut. - I love y'all!
The American Dream, Dedrick Flynn.
All right, we're going to a normal bucket pull.
One more time before we get back to the Legends bucket.
It's a one-word name. Make some noise for Yang, everyone. Yang.
Hello, my name is Yang. I'm Asian.
My pronouns are su/shi.
And dim sum.
I'm a musician. Yeah.
My stage name is Lil Ming.
AKA Yellow Haitian 2000.
My MBTI is IDGAF.
I like buying shoes.
And making shoes.
I'm just here to share good news with you.
I just got my nail technician certification.
Chill, I'm just joking.
Do I look like I do nail?
Thank you, I'm Yang.
Fifty-five seconds from Yang.
It's spelled like Yang, but it's pronounced "Young."
- Yeah, it's with a G, so "Young." - Yeah, I got it.
You said you were Asian and young, and Redban came in his pants.
So, very exciting.
I have good news for you. You're definitely doing every secret show
- at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club... - Yeah.
...for the rest of eternity.
Tonight, at the Residence Inn around 1:00 a.m. if you want to go.
Wow. He's doing a comedy show at the Residence Inn, everybody.
- He's really spending some of that money. - Hell yeah.
How long you been doing stand-up, Yang?
- About three, four years. Yeah. - Where at?
- Uh, Tampa, Florida. Yeah. - Okay.
And you came here just for this?
- I'm sorry? - What are you doing in Austin?
Just signing up for this? Is that the goal?
- Yeah, just for this, yeah. - Look at you, very lucky.
- Yeah, I-- - You people are very lucky.
I'm sorry?
You people are very lucky.
- I'm very lucky? - You're lucky.
Thank you, yeah.
The more you say it, the more racist you sound.
"Me sucky sucky."
I thought you did an incredible job.
- Thank you. Thank you, Fluffy. - You walked out very confident.
You took a chance, and I think it paid off.
- Didn't it pay off? - Yeah.
I mean, it was an absolutely fantastic set,
and we have the greatest female stand-up comedian of all time here
- to give you some feedback. - Sure. Thank you.
Yeah, you had it like really tight and fast.
- It was good. - Definitely tight.
I wasn't sure what you were talking about, but I'm glad you clarified that.
Redban.
Yeah, I mean, it was like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,
so you could tell you've been... God, you've got a dirty mind.
- You really do. - I'm sorry.
You're saying "boom, boom, boom" after saying she had it really tight.
What am I supposed to think? Sorry.
- That's comedian talk. - Yeah, it is.
I think you're a good comic, but here's what I really wanna know.
What do you eat?
A lot of sushi.
I mean, what do you eat in a day?
What do I eat during the day? A lot of people ask me that
because American women are not as skinny as me, so...
It's okay, it's okay. We need to get on diet, you know?
We need to get back on the fat-shaming in this country.
Thank you.
Bring that back, bring that back, okay? It's gonna help.
Yang, you are so talented. It is incredible.
Do you do this for a living? What do you do?
- How do you make money? - I drive Uber.
- You drive Uber? - Yeah, I do. I...
I actually took a 2,000 loan
to come here because I...
...I couldn't drive during New Year's Eve,
so I literally almost go bankrupt coming here,
but I want to chase my dream here.
- Well, you literally... - Thank you.
It couldn't have gone any better. A perfect spot.
You're on Netflix. You're in an arena right now.
- How do you feel? Good? - I...
Incredible. I mean, this is what I need. I'm...
I don't know if you have seen me online,
but I do have 30,000 followers on Instagram and...
...I just need this opportunity to have people know me and...
I really appreciate you having this show and giving people this opportunity
and I love it.
Amazing.
Amazing. You've said all the right things.
- Redban is sweating bullets over here. - Oh, yeah. I just--
You have a very small face and nice white skin.
- I enjoy it. - You look like you have problems
with your kidneys.
Ah. He does.
Very good diagnosis.
I can tell. I've seen plenty of those.
You need to eat whatever she's eating. You need to eat a pile of seaweed salad
- or something. - Oh. Thank God.
I thought you were going to say dick.
This is... This is what I'm stuck working with, every week of my life.
- Yang, do you have a boyfriend? - I'm looking for a boyfriend.
Oh, my goodness. What kind of guy are you into?
Do you have a specific type?
- I mean, you're cute. - Oh, my goodness.
Whoa.
Wow.
Do you like Asian? I've never heard you are with an Asian.
Redban is the Asian specialist here.
- This is as good as it's gonna get. - Okay, I guess no then.
That's a good rejection as...
I have one here if you wanna hook up with her.
- And you know like we could all-- - Shut the fuck up.
No, I don't think you have the parts that I'm into, Yang.
You know what I'm saying?
- What? - What kind of Asian are you?
- Are you Thai? - Uh...
I'm from China... China.
I love China. It's a great country.
Excuse me, I'm talking. Excuse me.
I'm building a huge ballroom in the White House because--
I got big balls and big hands. Big hands.
And we're not gonna pay for it. China, China's gonna pay for it.
Excuse me. Fake news, fake news.
China's gonna pay for it with fentanyl tax,
200% fentanyl tax.
We're gonna make America great again. Thank you. Make Kill Tony great again.
I think you have made Kill Tony great again, Yang.
And you know what?
Even though this is on Netflix and in an arena, let's have some fun.
You're the newest Golden Ticket winner on the show.
Wow.
What a performance. Amazing. Here's the big joke book. Boom! Got it.
Thank you so much, Yang. You absolutely nailed it.
It could not have possibly have gone any better.
That is exactly what the American-slash-Chinese dream
is all about.
You took a chance. You spent your money. You came here.
You could have absolutely not gotten pulled out of the bucket at all.
You did. You executed your jokes.
You blasted through the interview with calm,
precision, and improvisation. Amazing. You're exactly what
- this show's all about. Congratulations. - Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, a star is born.
Ooh-la-la.
I hear we have drinks on the way. Is that true?
Congratulations, Yang.
Make some noise for Heidi and Val, everybody.
- That was awesome. - We got drinks on the way.
And I...
And I do believe the drinks are-- Oh, here they are. Look at them.
How exciting.
Heidi and Val, everybody.
A little something.
I think Roseanne wanted something.
What do you want, Roseanne?
Could we get a, uh... Can we get a...
Can we get a water on the rocks for Roseanne Barr?
- And how about you? - I'll take some tequila.
- Can I drink with you guys? - Hell yeah.
Yeah.
It's New Year's, man. That's the excuse I'm using tonight.
No, yeah.
Tony, can I say... can I say out the gate, man,
this show is incredibly stacked.
I mean, everyone's been funny.
- This is-- - What a way to end a year.
- Yeah. - What a way to end a year.
- Well-- - In Austin, Texas!
Well, I got news for you.
I just pulled out of the Legends bucket, and this...
- We got another one? - ...is a freak of nature.
He's only been on this show one time ever before.
Meanwhile, a lot of people are saying that he is indeed a frontrunner
for Guest of the Year.
Make some noise for Rob Schneider.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you. Hi. Thank you.
Oh, my God. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
I'm just here for a little Asian pussy, and...
...and I just saw some and I...
I just want to say, Tony Hinchcliffe, you make dreams come true for comedians.
You do.
For so many comedians launching careers,
relaunching careers, I just wanna thank you.
You, honestly-- He's not listening. Honestly...
Tony, when you watch this back and you hear this...
...I want you to know how much you mean to me
and what you do for comedians, what it means.
This man,
let me tell you, since I've been on your show,
Tony, when you hear this back,
Tony...
...since I was on your show several months ago...
absolutely nothing has fucking happened for me.
Nothing. Zero.
Jack shit.
Nothing. My life did not improve at-- Fucking zippo.
Nothing. Nada. Nothing has fucking happened.
Not one fucking offer for fucking anything.
And I have you to thank for it.
Thank you.
I wanna tell you thank you.
You can do it.
You can do it, Austin.
All New Year's Eve long.
I wanna tell you something like--
Now, there's a lot of comedians that are gonna tell jokes.
I wanna tell something. It's a story that's about something important to me.
I hate when people go on Ancestry.com.
You know, they go on Ancestry.com, and it's like...
"I just found out my great, great, great, great, great,
great, great grandfather was on the Mayflower,
and he was the fucking captain."
It's like, shut the fuck up. First of all,
that doesn't reflect you at all.
Nobody cares.
It doesn't make you a better person, a more interesting person.
Clearly, all of our ancestors were just trying to survive,
do the best job they could. Clearly. It doesn't mean--
You never hear anybody bragging about something, you know, normal
that most of our ancestors ever did. You never hear like...
"I just found out my great,
great, great, great grandmother was on the fucking Mayflower."
"And she was a waitress and she, you know,
she dropped something and she got fucked by the captain."
"So I'm kind of also related to the ca--"
But I found out, you know...
When I was ten years old, my dad told me that
the most consequential event of the 20th century was World War II.
And that one of the most consequential events of World War II
was the liberation of Europe, D-Day, June 6th, 1944,
and that my grandfather was there. So I said, "Can I go talk to him?"
"Can I go talk to him?" He says, "No, no, no, no."
"Your grandfather suffers from this thing called survivor's guilt."
Why did he survive when his friends around him
were all killed that day?
So, if he wants to talk about it, he'll talk about it.
But if he doesn't, he won't. So I said, "Well, fine," you know?
So we used to go see him every Sunday. Finally, one Sunday, my dad said,
"Hey, Robbie, grandpa wants to talk about D-Day."
"Now?" "Yeah, just let him do the talking."
So I went in there, and I said, "Grandpa, you gonna tell us about D-Day,
June 6th, 1944, the liberation of Europe, Omaha Beach?"
"What was that like?"
And I'll never forget, he told me...
"Well, I was sleeping in the morning!"
"And then the Amerikaner start attacking."
I said...
"They are coming. They are coming."
"Herr Hitler was right. They are fucking coming."
"So we're shooting."
"Killing as many Americans as we could."
"But there was too many,
and then the fucking Canadians start fucking coming."
"Luckily, we had booby traps, so bombs were going fucking off."
"And arms and legs, American arms and legs were fucking everywhere."
"I picked them up. I threw the American arm and the leg."
"But there was too many. Finally, we ran out of ammunition."
"I threw down my weapon, put on a woman's dress,
snuck into Belgium, sucked a few dicks, but I survived the war."
I said, "Wow."
"Grandpa."
I know.
"I understand what you mean by survivor's guilt."
Anyway, thank you for having me.
Could you move your gigantic ass so I can sit down?
- No, he'll stay there. - Thank you.
Squeeze in between him and Roseanne.
Rob Schneider joining the panel, everybody.
This is what we call a good old-fashioned slobber knocker.
How about one more time for the great Rob Schneider, everybody?
And back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen.
A normal human being has to follow Rob Schneider in an arena.
Make some noise for Timely Rain, everyone. Here comes Timely Rain.
My boyfriend's 30 years old,
which doesn't sound so bad until you realize
I've been dating 30-year-olds since I was 16.
I keep on getting older and they stay the same age.
And I'm a pretty good girlfriend too, so in my last relationship,
my ex was like,
"Where have you been my whole life?"
I was like, "In middle school."
I couldn't even get him to, like, come to one of my comedy shows,
let alone divorce his wife.
I'm on my third husband by now, and I've never even been married.
My weed dealer called me the other day to tell me that he graduated college
and to thank me for paying his way through college.
I was like, "Damn, I could have gone to college."
Y'all wanna hear a dick joke?
I don't have one.
I don't know. I'm just the kind of girl...
...that'll fake an orgasm even when I'm masturbating just to get it over with.
Thank you, guys. My name's Timely.
Timely Rain.
- Amazing set. - Thank you.
This is incredible. You just got pulled out of the bucket
for your very first time this past Monday...
- Yeah. - ...on our normal taping of a show
in which you'd signed up how many times again?
I've probably signed up over 50 times in the past two-and-a-half years.
Over 50 times and you've gotten up somehow,
miraculously, twice in the past three days, which is insane.
This bucket has a mind of its own.
When God's good.
- I love it. - When it rains it pours.
Remind us all, how long you been doing stand-up?
I've been doing stand-up for four years now in Houston, Texas.
What do you do for work?
- What am I what? - What do you do for work?
Oh. No, I do stand-up comedy.
I produce shows all around Houston, and I work at the Ren Faire.
I'm a bartender. I'm a babysitter.
Anything I can do to get my nights off to do this.
- Amazing. - Yeah.
Amazing.
I love it.
So, Timely, tell us something else crazy about your life
that we'd be surprised to know about you.
Um, I don't know if it's surprising, but I used to be a drug addict.
- Um... - Okay.
And I'm not anymore.
I quit doing cocaine to start stand-up comedy.
- Nice. - Boo!
Was it just cocaine? Was that your main thing?
Oh, no. I was very addicted to ketamine, cocaine, molly, and whippets,
- and acid, all at the same time. - Wow.
I think it's funny that a lot of you are cheering for that.
- Yeah, I'm like, um, I don't remember. - Fricking Austin.
During like COVID, you know, I never liked ketamine before COVID,
but... ...ketamine made sitting at home really awesome.
So, that was the last straw.
What's the craziest thing that happened to you during that time, during that era?
Like, was there a time where, you know, you realized you had hit bottom?
No, everyone else tells you you hit bottom
way before you realize that you do.
Um...
That really happened to me or not ha--
Like, the craziest thing I've ever seen was every single one of my drawers
on my dresser was a different place in the world.
- Mm. - One of my-- Like, my sock dresser
was like the beach and, like, my,
uh, you know, pants drawer
was like a cathedral.
And then-- Yeah... ...pretty much. And then you blink and it was gone.
Wow.
The craziest thing that happened to me in real life
was I ended up living in a motel with a little bunny,
a dog, a cat, and a diabetic DJ who was stealing all my money.
Well, the good news was you didn't have a lot of money to steal.
Exa-- Eight hundred dollars exactly.
- Yeah. That's the good part. - Yeah.
- You gotta look at the positive. - Thank you.
Always.
- Especially when you're a drug addict. - Especially when you're a drug addict.
- You gotta dig deep, find that shit. - Not anymore.
- Hang on to it tight.
- Oh, yeah. - 'Cause you earned it.
I did. I'm the best. I'm really good at doing drugs, okay?
- Better than you. - I thought you did great.
I don't know if I'm to jump in here, but you did great.
Honestly, great timing. Quick.
You didn't take too long to get to the jokes.
Here's what I'm going to do. I'm gonna pay for your dick surgery.
Oh, my God. Thank you.
- Really good. - Thank you.
Where's the bucket for that one?
I thought you did great too.
You had great confidence, you know, mastery over your space,
- which is hard. - Thank you.
And, uh, your material was really, uh,
- timely and well-written. - I try to be.
I think you are gonna have a good future in stand-up comedy.
You have no idea what that means coming from you, Rose-- Thank you.
- Thank you. - You're purely original too.
- Thank you. When you sat down... - Yeah.
...I was like, oh, no, I don't know what--
I don't know if I wanna know what you think about me, but I really do.
- Thank you. Thank you. - Well, I loved you.
- Thank you. That means the world to me. - Thank you.
- There you go, Timely Rain. - You did it.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, guys.
- Timely Rain, ladies and gentlemen. - Thank you.
Amazing, some incredible bucket pulls. This is a very rare arena treat.
Nobody has bent under the pressure just yet.
Bye, Timely. There you go. All right, there you go.
Ladies and gentlemen,
make some noise
for the one and only return of Fiona Cauley, everybody.
Hello.
Ah! Thank you.
Oh, man.
I... I have a one-year-old nephew named Nico.
He's a cute baby. We like him. Um...
For Christmas, we went over to his house
and he was sitting on the floor in front of me, maintaining eye contact.
It's never a good thing.
And in this moment, this fucking baby decides to stand up
and take his first steps.
Okay.
The disrespect.
Unfounded.
Okay, why don't we fucking learn how to read a room before we walk?
You know?
I, uh...
I tripped him.
Thank you so much.
One of the greats, Fiona Cauley.
My goodness.
That is about as hard as I've laughed all night.
Just a hilarious premise.
Absolutely amazing.
Thank you.
The kind of stuff where when you talk about it, it's just you.
You know? It is amazing, Fiona, watching you grow in front of our eyes.
Huge appearance on The Tonight Show just a few months ago.
Yeah.
I went clean.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
And now you're back on a real comedy show. It must be exciting for you.
Amazing. Fiona, tell us how life's going.
- You look amazing. - Thank you.
I was worried I looked like an ice skater
that had a bad accident, but...
Yeah, just like can't let go of my old life kind of thing, yeah.
Incredible.
What's going on?
Well, I did... I am married now.
- That happened. - That's right.
Yeah.
Thank you. Yeah, two months.
How's it going? How has life changed?
- Have you noticed a difference? - It is hard.
- I'm just kidding. It's good. It's fun. - Right.
- Yeah. - I loved it.
- We went on our honeymoon... - Oh, yeah.
- ...to Cabo. - Okay. What did you do there?
Um, they don't like disabled people in Mexico.
- I had to learn that the hard way. - Mm-hmm.
We...
We land in Cabo, right?
And you know when you get off an airplane, there's generally a jet bridge?
Not here.
- Oh, no. - Yeah, it was a fucking flight of stairs
to outside.
All right, a little bit of a parkour situation.
- And I love a challenge, okay? - Yeah.
But, like, there was another disabled girl on the plane.
She was paralyzed from the waist down.
And she looked at me and was like, "What the fuck?"
"What are we gonna do?"
You know, and I was like, they'll bring a lift.
- Tony does, you know. - Yeah.
I do. It's an expensive lift too.
- Yeah. - So what happened?
- Did they carry you down? - This girl threw herself out
of her airplane seat
and then army-crawled down the fucking stairs.
It was the coolest thing I've ever seen.
I tried to get a photo with her, but she was too fast.
Wow.
Amazing. And how did you get down?
- How did I get down? - Yeah.
I made my little fucking husband carry me.
- Nice. You're damn right. - Yeah. Yeah.
You're damn right.
Yeah.
Amazing.
- Guys, what do we think about Fiona? - Oh, my God. First of all, I love...
I love just your presence. You're just naturally charismatic.
You're funny. You're very self-aware.
I love that you looked right at me when you said Mexicans don't like you.
I'm like, "Oh, my God. Yeah, paralyzed people don't like me either."
So...
No, you're very funny. I just--
It's no surprise you were on The Tonight Show.
And I wonder where they saw her first.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I wonder, again, back to what Rob said, man.
You have no idea how many comedians
should be thanking you for the platform that you've created.
There's comedy shows that book people, and there's comedy shows
- that discover people. - Yes.
Yeah.
- And there's... And there's... - So...
And there's comedy shows
that let on crazy people.
- Thank you. Thank you, Tony. Thank you. - This is just as important.
- But, I-- - This one does all three.
- Yeah. Yeah. - That's...
Seriously, I could listen to you all day.
I look forward to your comedy special because I know you're gonna get one.
- It'll take all day to listen to that. - You are very funny.
- Yeah. - You were great.
- You were very funny. - Thank you.
And honestly, I thought you installed the lift for me,
but I see what you were doing.
I was like, "This is convenient. No stairs today."
You've got it. You've really got it.
And I'm sorry I couldn't relate to your plane story,
'cause I fly private. But other than that, the other--
I mean, I can relate to all the other stuff you said.
It was really good.
Yeah. Rob...
Rob Schneider has a lift for his private plane,
and is fully capable of walking.
Walking is for poor people, I agree.
- Yeah. You-- - It's an old-fashioned way to get around.
Like, grow up, you know, get a chair.
But you bring people to you, and that's really special.
You bring people, and they want to hear every word that you say, and you deliver.
So, congrats. It was awesome tonight.
- Thank you. - Congratulations. Great job.
Can I... Can I say, you made kicking a baby funny.
- Yeah. - How? Wow.
It was always funny.
Let's check in with the great Roseanne Barr.
Yeah, I wanted...
I wanted to say, you know, your writing is impeccable.
- Thank you. - Your timing is stunning.
I mean, I like all the stuff you say under your breath and swallow.
That-- You got, you know, it's like a...
Well, it's very unique delivery. And your story is just...
just the story of watching you do it, and I said this to you before,
it's just such a triumphant spirit.
And that you turn it into such a healing magic of comedy,
which is really what comedy can do. And you're just great. You're just great.
Thank you so much. Seriously, it meant so much.
My Kill Tony debut, Roseanne was there, and it's so cool to see you now,
like more than a year and a half later.
I don't know. I'm very emotional. This is very cool.
- You're killing it. - You're doing great.
You're on your way to sucking and fucking your way to the top, girl.
That's right.
Make some damn noise for the great Fiona Cauley, everybody.
Our very own, "You found her here," the great Fiona Cauley.
Redban.
Redban's still hitting the backup alarm.
Let's see. We have a reverse camera of Fiona that we always use here.
You got Fiona getting out of here?
One more time for Fiona. There she is, everyone.
Getting down on level ground.
Kill Tony doing more than airlines for the handicapped.
All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket.
We're going to meet them all together. This is a crazy name.
Make some noise for Elvis Bulldozier, everyone.
Elvis Bulldozier.
Hello, Austin!
A guy talked to me the other day. He says, "Hey, man, do you like cowboys?"
I said, "Hell yeah, I like cowboys."
"We live in Texas, and there's cowboys everywhere."
He says, "Well, how do you feel about Westerns?"
"Hell yeah, I like Westerns. There's cowboys in them."
"Well, how do you feel about camping?"
"Well, camping is a cowboy's life."
Anyways, we decided to go camping up on this place called,
yeah, Brokeback Mountain.
I got real sleepy after dinner for some reason.
The next thing I know is it's morning.
And you know what I found out about camping?
Camping makes my asshole sore.
So much so, my asshole wrote me this note.
It said, "I'll never quit. Your asshole."
And funny thing was, it was in my new buddy's handwriting.
Don't worry, I'm gonna ask him about it this weekend
when we go hiking up on Brokeback Mountain.
No camping though, just hiking
and good old anal sex.
That's my time.
All right, there's a return to your normally scheduled program.
Now, I've been here before.
Just a crazy man bombing on stage. We're back to normal Kill Tony, everyone.
- Yeah. - So, you've been on this show before.
I remember you, but the Elvis thing is new.
You're trying to reinvent yourself with a wig and glasses?
Well, let me take my costume off.
- You can remember me, okay? - Okay, yep.
- There you go. - It's Forrest Gump.
Okay, I still-- All right.
- Yeah, I did the drum off. - That's right, okay.
The first annual drum off with the guy with the cane.
You have a little bit of wig hair still on your shoulder there.
On your shoulder, go like that. No, the other shoulder.
He was a really good drummer last time, Tony.
I don't have that much hair.
You're perfect.
So, remind us, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?
Well, this is about my 15th mic.
- Fifteenth mic. - Yeah.
And you've been on Kill Tony twice,
- so you really prefer-- - No, just the one time.
- Right, this is your second time. - Yes, sir.
So, now you've been on twice.
Yeah, one, one is two. Yeah, that's right.
Absolutely. So, what made you turn into this Elvis character? Why--
You could have done all that
without the Elvis hair... ...and glasses on.
- The Elvis... The Elvis thing-- - I was-- I was excited.
The Elvis thing didn't add to the joke at all.
I do Elvis, I do Elvis, but--
I know, but the Elvis didn't have anything to do with the joke.
- That's all. - No, not really.
- I mean, I've got an Elvis joke. - No, but I will tell you, Elvis,
tonight you did reset the bar.
Tell us something crazy about your life that we don't know.
Uh, that's good. I'm glad you asked that.
I'm a Gunner's Mate, second class, 1981-85 on the USS Mount Vernon, LSD-39.
Thank you for your service, not in comedy. I'm sorry.
I adopted out 57 kittens.
- What? - Yep.
I had a lot of cats in the garage one night,
and I realized that I had two pregnant cats in the garage
and one on the front porch, and that's how that started.
- Wow. - So, I adopted out 57.
I lost about 60 outside cats.
And I've written a book about it.
You adopted out 57 kids?
Fifty-seven kittens.
- Question. - Oh, kittens.
Is that hair made out of one of the cats? I'm just questioning.
Possibly, possibly.
What made you want to have so many cats?
- That's fucking nuts. - That is nuts.
It just started off as those three, those three litters at one time.
And... So I'm walking in the Woodlands Mall with a cart
with kittens in it with a sign on the front that says "Free kittens."
It's pathetic, but it worked. But yeah, I adopted out a lot of kittens.
This crowd hates adopting kittens, obviously.
We have found a crowd that wants all kittens to die.
Horrible people!
Horrible people that don't like kittens?
- What kind of audience-- - Oh, my God, what is this?
What a bunch of-- Who boos kittens?
You guys are bad people. All right. Well, Elvis.
Well, your joke about anal sex, that sucked.
It wasn't funny at all. Anal sex is not enjoyable, nor is it funny.
- It's not. - I'm going to take your word for that.
There he goes, ladies and gentlemen, Elvis Bulldozier.
- Thank you, Elvis. - Thank you.
Good luck, brother.
Elvis, everybody. There he goes.
A little reset here.
This is absolutely incredible.
This guy, two appearances all time on the show
and yet another huge frontrunner for Guest of the Year.
Make some noise for the one and only Carrot Top!
Legends. Legends.
Don't get up. Don't get up. Fuck, don't get up.
You get up. Don't get up. Thank you, band.
Crowd.
You guys are awesome. Oh, fuck.
Oh! All right, everybody. Everybody.
I only have one joke, so play one more song.
Everybody get what they want for Christmas?
Did y'all get what you wanted for Christmas?
I don't know what I got.
I've been waiting for this show to open this thing.
And when you're a kid, you shake it like,
"Oh, God, it could be a cock ring."
I'd always do that to my dad. "Is it a cock ring?"
And he's like, "What the fuck's a cock--"
And then they got me one. And my dad's like, "Well, go try it on."
This, I don't even know what this is.
We're going to find out. It's very exciting.
I think it's-- Oh, fuck, it's P. Diddy's backpack.
That's fucking-- That's the shit right there.
I've always wanted that for Christmas. P. Diddy's backpack.
Yeah, I mean, it's on Netflix. Let's get some money out of that one.
This is a beer for lesbians. See, that way they can...
Or, no, or anybody. Or anybody.
To get guys to drink Bud Light again, you know what I mean?
Right? Sorry. I'm going to put all this shit on your band thing.
This was Pee Wee Herman's doll. Have you ever seen the Pee Wee? Have you?
You got to...
Fuck. Oh, my God. You guys are fun, by the way.
This next one is really...
...is really weird to do with you sitting here, Fluffy.
But I found your buffet tray.
And I don't know if you know. I don't know.
And I love you. You know I love you.
Oh, wait, there's more.
See, it even has a...
It even put a fucking bell on it. You got to have...
In fact, hold on. I'm making a whole bunch of shit.
This is fun. Bring this on the plane,
and when the guy next to you falls asleep, wake him up.
"Dude, we're going fucking down, all right?" You're like...
These are skinny jeans for fat guys right there.
That's... That's...
If you could put them on, that would be really funny.
I'm making a mess. Oh, my God, they found the Chiefs' helmet.
They have the Chiefs' new helmet. Have you seen it that came out?
I kind of did the Dallas one, but I figured...
Fuck. All right. I'm making friends, baby.
This is great. This one took engineering.
This is a purse... ...for you women.
If a woman needs a tampon, you can shoot it to her across the bar.
Just...
Oh, shit. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, Roseanne.
Sorry. Oh, fuck.
I come up with all this shit,
and then the kids in the sweatshop build it,
but I write it all.
It's another purse. It's a purse for women.
When you go to the bar, you can decide what guy to bring home.
You just gotta... Yeah.
See, it's a big dick or a-- You know what I'm talking about, right?
That's the least favorite one so far.
It's like, "Why can't you be like your brothers? They did so good."
This is a purse for hookers. See, that way they can just get rid of...
It's a...
That's how old this joke is. That's an old bitch right there. That is...
That is an old bitch. Wait, I have more New Year's shit.
Did I bring my New Year's shit?
We have a box of New Year's shit that came all the way from--
Here comes my...
There's my kids in the sweatshop. Thank you.
Oh, my God. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much.
Thank you. Thank you. You have a nice box. Beautiful, beautiful.
This one I just made. I mean, literally, I just made this backstage.
This is... This is...
...Charlie Sheen's Dustbuster. Now, look.
But wait. Wait. Oh, fuck.
You can tell I'm not a stand-up comic. There's a fucking microphone right there.
Watch this shit. Wait, watch. Watch. You got to see this.
Now, watch.
Wait. It gets better. Watch this fucking thing.
It sucks. It sucks. Right up.
See, I clean up.
- Here, I have some... - Oh, thanks.
Okay. I'm doing longer than I was supposed to.
I'll do one more too-- Shit, this fucking thing. Sorry.
- Is it okay if I do? All right. - You're good, you're good.
All right. You guys are hot.
You guys are hot.
All right, this is just for women now. This is for tonight.
New Year's Eve, when you get drunk,
it's a toilet seat that holds your hair when you throw up.
So, guys don't have to fucking shit. That one did okay.
And the holidays... ...the holidays were just here.
It's a toilet seat so people can't take a shit when they come to your house.
See that way?
All right, let's find one more.
Wait, I've got to do this one. I mean, it's just for tonight.
If it's for someone that's alone
and they have someone they can toast with by themselves.
Can you hear this? "Happy New Year, Chuck."
"You too, Scott."
You guys are really fun, holy shit.
This next one... This next... I'm outta... I'm old, fuck.
This next one, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Oh! I could die. Thank you.
Now, before-- Thank you. Oh, my mom and dad are here,
thank you, Mom and Dad, thank you.
Now, before I lose my career over this one,
I honestly shipped it here thinking, this is how old this joke is, this is bad.
This is a belt for Richard Gere...
so... so his gerbil can exercise when he comes out.
Now, I'm probably going to need a lawyer tonight.
All right, the last one for you guys, and this is honest from me to you.
Meeting your-- When you go drinking tonight,
make your friends wear this, right?
So, when they get drunk and they pass out,
just leave them wherever the hell they are where they lay and they're drunk.
Happy New Year, everybody!
Carrot Top, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again.
A 100% batting average.
One of the greatest in the show's history, the great Carrot Top.
- You keep kiss-- - God bless everybody.
- God bless you. Thanks for the love. - You keep kissing me like that,
I'll end up being Carrot Bottom by the end of the night.
Ladies and gentlemen,
one of the greatest regulars in the show's history.
A boy who has accomplished a great many things
coming from such a faraway land.
And one day, without a doubt, very soon, he will be an American citizen.
But today, he remains the Estonian Assassin, Ari Matti!
Do you guys know what a BBL is?
Brazilian butt lift.
I don't really want a girl with a BBL,
'cause the last thing I need
is distance.
Girl, you get a BBL, your pussy is in no danger.
My dick is going to be in the hallway, fucking...
I might have a small dick, but you know what else I have?
Great breakfast.
That's what matters
when you're dating women in their thirties. The overall package.
You wake up at my place, you get a goat cheese omelet. Bam!
Cherry tomatoes in the omelet.
Not too hot, just squishy enough.
When that omelet hits your mouth, you'll forget about the dick.
Small-dick men have nice apartments.
Dude, I have a fucking USB-C port in my couch.
Candles and feng shui.
You ever go over to a big dick motherfucker's apartment?
The bed frame is missing.
There's a creepy roommate.
Ice cubes taste like vegetables.
The TV remote, the batteries are in, but the back is missing.
A big dick motherfucker will fuck you for 15 minutes
and then it's 23 hours of nothing.
I'll fuck you for four minutes...
and we have a full day of activities.
We go hiking.
We play Monopoly.
I tell you about my dead mother.
Russia and Ukraine conflict. I explain it.
You're learning, bitch.
I have a Helix sleep mattress.
Body-temperature-regulating.
Sure, big dicks are great. You know what's better?
REM sleep.
You wake up at my place fresh.
Pussy, no damage.
You leave my place, there's no walk of shame.
There's the stroll of employment. You're gonna...
You're gonna nail that interview, baby.
Small-dick men are the hardest-working people on this planet.
Everybody who's got a good ticket tonight has a tiny cock.
I know a lot of comedians with huge hogs.
None of them are here.
Who's the biggest economic force in the world?
China.
Only a tiny-dick motherfucker will work for Temu,
make you a Shrek mask for 90 cents.
Have you ever been to China? They're the fucking future.
AI's building roads, their fucking alphabet,
one symbol means 700 different things.
Have you ever been to Africa?
They don't even have asphalt. They got no Wi-Fi, tiny huts, big dicks.
You don't need ChatGPT when you got a BBC.
I love you, Austin, Texas. Thank you guys so much.
I mean, holy shit.
Un-fucking-believable.
Full standing ovation from the arena. The full panel.
Unbelievable. The one and only Ari Matti, everybody.
With Ari! What has to be the set of the night.
- This guy's trying to get citizenship... - Hell yeah.
...on the spot here tonight.
Ari, can I just start off by saying the last couple times I saw you, man,
you were rocking a tracksuit, and now it's New Year's, you look sharp.
Oh, my!
Thank you, Gabriel. I just invested in a daycare in Minnesota.
My Somalian brothers.
I got this to say, Ari,
the next superstar comedian in the world has a small dick.
It is true. Everything you said checks out.
I indeed have no bed frame.
My ice tastes like vegetables.
You are spot on about everything.
That is amazing. Roseanne Barr?
I would have to say, having had lots of dicks,
as I referenced at the beginning of the show...
you are absolutely correct about the...
...about the supremacy
of the small-dick man. Absolutely.
One hundred percent.
- One hundred fucking percent, brother. - We work hard.
That's right.
I want to thank you for getting it out there,
- the benefits that we provide. - Exactly.
Do you want to be in a basement apartment with a big-dick guy,
or you want to be in the penthouse with me?
Absolutely.
You are a prophet, is what you are.
It is very powerful, the joke, the material.
I've been talking with you throughout the week
about this set and, you know,
- trying to keep it tight. - Oh, yeah.
And I've been asking you, and you said it's kind of a problem.
- It's very long. - Dude, yeah,
last night it was like seven-and-a-half minutes,
and I was like, "Oh, fuck."
And I don't know, I don't like to get too stiff either,
like, to plan it too much. I'll just see what the punchlines--
If I know the ending, I know I'm okay.
Um, but I was just... Fun.
Well, you kept it short, and like you said throughout the set,
shorter is better.
- Yes. - Shorter is better.
It's funny how the longer set might not have worked so well.
- Seven and a half is pretty beefy. - Yeah, pretty beefy.
You know, you have a perfect example of length in your pants.
No, but let me say, that was a masterclass, honey.
Oh, thank you. I really appreciate. You're very sweet.
You're the only comedian who took advantage of the entire stage...
- Yeah. - ...and had the presence.
- Oh, thank you. - And you are
a fucking huge star already, my friend.
- Yeah. - Thank you.
- Yes, he is. - Massive.
It's just amazing, Ari. You are undeniable. Fluffy.
Can I say, I saw you perform easily five times this year.
And each time I see you perform, I'm like, "Any minute now, man."
- Wow. Thank you. - "Any minute now." So,
- I watched-- - I hope to be as big as you.
Keep eating, bro. Keep eating.
You'll get there. Trust me.
Thank you. That's very sweet. Thank you.
But yeah, each time I see you, man, you are funnier and funnier.
Yeah, I try to use this platform.
Being a regular is such a huge honor, not to only showcase your skills,
but to only improve your joke writing.
So, I've tried to take full advantage of it.
Take it... Take it...
Take it from this guy, who's a huge star who can't find his dick.
And that's unbelievable. He loves you.
- Ari, you did it again. You are just... - Wow. Thank you, guys, so much.
- ...an absolute fucking saint and angel. - Unbelievable.
The Estonian Assassin, ladies and gentlemen.
An undeniable force of nature.
With what has to be...
Amazing stuff, buddy. There he goes. Ari Matti, everybody.
How awesome. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian won this spot
at Madison Square Garden...
- Oh, Pauly! - ...in a four-person playoff.
Make some noise for the return of Danny Martinello, ladies and gentlemen.
Here comes Danny.
From the great country of Canada, Danny Martinello, everyone.
Austin, make some fucking noise!
I love this city. I've been living here for a year,
and you guys made me fall in love with America.
Thank you. All it took was watching a flyover at a Longhorns game
and seeing the assertion of aerial dominance.
That's all it was. All it took was...
And immediately I said, "Who's got oil?"
That's what I said.
I'm not even American, and I pledged allegiance
to the flag for liberty and justice and said, "Let's fucking invade!"
And I like America because you guys are proud of your military.
You guys have museums everywhere. I was traveling through...
I was traveling through Tennessee,
and I saw a World War II museum for female fighter pilots.
Female fighter pilots. World War II.
I didn't even know you girls were flying planes.
I thought you were just sewing flags for the war.
I had to go in. I had to see it. I was there.
Two planes? Both were crashed.
They didn't even see service.
The girls were just parking it. That was the crazy part.
And then I started thinking, if you guys had female fighter pilots,
maybe Japan just had female co-pilots the whole war.
Can you imagine that?
Flying seven hours over the Pacific and all you hear is, "Are we there yet?"
"Is that the right harbor?"
"You're just like your mother."
But they were Japanese, so all it would sound like is...
Thank you, guys. My name's Danny Martinello.
Danny Martinello.
Great set, buddy.
- Thanks, Tony. - Hell yeah.
- You're back. - I'm back, buddy.
- That was great. - Thanks. I appreciate it.
- Yeah. Of course. - Brother, you came out swinging.
I enjoyed the fact that you wasted no time.
You moved the mic stand and you jumped right into your set.
And you were 100% energy from the beginning to the end.
- Thanks, Gabriel. That means a lot. - Yeah, man.
- You hate women. I love it. - No, I love women.
I wouldn't be where I am if it wasn't for a good group of beautiful girls.
My mom's the best person I know in the world, and without her,
I wouldn't be who I am, so you gotta love women.
Oh, good. Too late for that, but good.
No, you already said how much you hate women.
No, but it's good. Very funny. I like that.
It's also, you know, you're going the opposite way, which is good.
You're not trying to be likable, kiss-assy, which is good.
And thankfully, you left that cowardice country of Canada.
- I'm so glad you left. - Hey, I gotta...
I gotta say, I'm proud of where I'm from,
but right now, America's on top, guys.
- Yeah. - And I love Texas, and I love you guys.
USA! USA! USA! USA!
No, I wasn't-- No, seriously.
You guys are mental. All it takes is "US" and you go...
And that's what pride is about!
Roseanne, what do you think about little Canadian boy Danny?
Well, you've got a lot of energy, that's for sure.
- Thank you, Roseanne. - That's really good,
being from Canada and having a lot of energy.
Well, you have to. It's cold all the time. You gotta stay warm.
And coming down here and loving Austin, and that's all good.
You know, we love that.
And, you know, you've got a great delivery and all that.
Of course, I don't like you blaming everything on women.
That pisses me off and everything.
'Cause, I mean, those women were, you know, they were in service.
No, I--
You know, so that makes me think you're a homosexual
and it makes me think...
...that you're hiding things because,
I mean, It's only homosexual men that don't like women, I think.
But I wish you would just embrace your homosexuality,
and then I think you could go forward
- with a lot of good jokes. - Yeah.
'Cause you've got everything else.
If you could just embrace your homosexuality,
- it would really help your career. - Yeah. I... Yeah.
If you want to embrace your homosexuality,
you'll probably get a lot more spots on the show, by the way.
- Yeah. - Let me tell you,
me and Tony have been having a back and forth like a hot girl in high school.
Yeah, let me tell you there.
What about your mom? I bet you don't get along with her.
No, I get along with my mom. My mom's my best friend.
- Really? That's why you're homosexual? - Yeah. Yeah.
What can you do?
I only want to suck one tit, and that's from her.
Yeah, I knew it.
No, but the audience can tell you have a bigger dick than Ari,
- so congratulations. - Yeah, much bigger, to be honest.
Well, you did good, though. You're funny.
But, like I say, you know, try to delve a little bit deeper.
And it'll be real funny when you say you're homosexual.
Thank you.
Danny Martinello, a great spot.
- Congratulations. There you go. - Thank you. Thank you.
I just want to say, Tony, I appreciate everything you've offered
and you made my 2025. God bless you.
- Thank you so much, as well as Redban. - Thank you. There he goes.
- See you, guys. - Danny Martinello, ladies and gentlemen.
The Canadian Crustacean.
The Great Northern...
All right.
All right, how about a hand for the lovely ladies, everybody?
Bussing some tables for us real quick.
All right, let's keep it moving along here.
Another very, very special treat out of the Legends bucket.
This guy, without a doubt,
one of the best guests of the year and of all time on the show.
Doing his set for us, make some noise for the great James McCann, everybody.
Kill Tony royalty.
All right. Oh, this is nice. Good.
Baby, I just got back from San Jose.
Man, they got a lot of Asians there.
They got so many Asians in San Jose,
they got to change the name of that town to Jose-San. All right.
I drove, I'm getting used to driving in America. It's weird.
You may not know this about the rest of the world,
but usually the speed limit is used to limit the speed.
And here the speed limit is just
to let you know what the pussies are gonna be doing today.
Yeah, baby!
Everybody else is just out there feeling out the vibe.
I don't know what the speed limit is. I'm watching what other people are doing.
I'm doing that.
They can't arrest everybody.
They don't have the manpower, they can't afford it.
They gotta put a military base on Guam, whatever it's called.
Mate, you guys invented the speed camera and then you made it illegal.
That's wisdom.
In Texas, I mean, do you know why--
They say there's no speed cameras in Texas,
'cause they are unconstitutional.
I mean, that is obviously a very good lawyer though, right?
I mean, listen, I love the result.
But what, we're saying that 150-whatever years ago
when they wrote the Constitution,
there was a guy there going...
"If ever, one day in the future,
a genius should devise a vehicle capable of moving faster
than 100 horses combined...
...and if there was a second invention capable of rendering speed into a number,
why, it would be fine to use those inventions separately,
but never together."
"We must keep those inventions separate but equal, I do believe."
I love driving in this country, baby.
Yes, I love it.
But they-- Sometimes there are speed cameras,
they got no consequences at all.
There'll be a sign by the side of the road
that says the speed limit's 65, you're doing 98.
And then it flashes like I won a high score.
It doesn't send me a letter in the mail or anything,
it just goes, "Hey. Sick, brother."
"You've almost cracked triple digits, well done, believe in yourself."
I love driving in America, turn signals, you don't need them.
'Cause you got a right to privacy in this country. You understand?
It's nobody else's business what lane I'm moving into.
That's between me and God.
And the Toyota Sienna I have clipped.
And our respective insurance companies.
How long am I supposed to do? All right.
I drive a minivan. I don't care. I'll tell you.
I got three kids. I got a six-year-old, four-year-old, and a three-year-old,
and another one on the way. Yeah.
Don't cheer me. Come and help me. I need help.
People say, "This is the most magical time of your life."
I say, "Get over to my fucking house."
"I'd like to take a shower, be a part of the magic. Look after her."
My wife is pregnant again. She's got that illness during pregnancy
where she has to lie in bed all day and be mean to me.
And I'm there, I drive my children around in the minivan.
I like driving the minivan because no one fucks with you in a minivan.
Amen. You see someone driving a Cybertruck, honk them.
Cut them off. It doesn't matter.
There's a skinny man who works for Google driving that Cybertruck.
You can take him in a fight.
You could kill him with a single blow, ladies.
But a minivan, everybody sees the minivan and they go,
"Oh, they're having a bad day. I'm going to leave them alone."
"They don't need it." For every day is a bad day in the minivan.
I got my son screaming at me in the backseat, "Give me an apple."
"I don't have an apple for you right now, mate."
"You already had one apple."
"It's lost in the car. We'll never see it again."
He goes, "Daddy, I want an apple."
"I don't have two apples for you, mate."
"Daddy, I need an apple now."
I say, "Please, mate, Daddy's trying to do 98 in the 65."
"Now's not a good time."
I have to leave. God bless you. God bless America. God bless Kill Tony.
What a performance!
Wow!
Taking the ball and absolutely running with it all the way to the end zone.
James McCann.
- Holy shit. - No, don't go.
- Take a moment. Come here. - Stay up here, brother.
When you said,
"I don't know how long I'm supposed to go,"
you can keep going, man. I wanted to hear more.
- Yeah. - Well...
You are funny.
- You killed it. - Yeah.
That "hundred horses combined" fucking murdered me.
- That was hilarious. - Thank you, Rob Schneider.
That was hilarious. You got the whole package.
You didn't waste one second of time out here.
You own that stage and you murder in front of 15,000 people on Netflix.
- Yep. - Congratulations.
Thank you, Rob Schneider.
That's very nice. I appreciate that.
That is the definition of a breakout performance. Roseanne Barr.
You came and you ate.
- Thank you, Roseanne. - You left no crumbs.
You left no fucking crumbs.
You gobbled it all. You swallowed it down in one big gulp.
You left nothing for nobody else.
That almost sounded like a compliment at the start of that.
Yeah, no. She means good. She means you killed.
- What I'm saying to you is... - You killed.
- ...you fucking killed, a star is born. - A lot of times when you say--
Oh, whoa. That's so nice. Thank you, Roseanne.
Well, I don't know what to say. I'm all embarrassed now.
Yeah, just let me just...
Roseanne, you say "kill," good, "ate it," bad.
That's all. You know, that's all.
No, he came to eat and he ate. That's what it means.
- We all know what she meant, Rob. - Yeah, we know what she meant.
Rob, you're out of it. You're so fucking old. You're out of it.
- If you eat it-- - You're fucking old.
If you eat it... If you eat it, it's not good.
No, I said he came--
- Not "eat it" like we used to say. - Oh, okay.
Look, I've had a great time. It's been great to be here.
We've got to get on with this show, I think.
Good night, everybody.
Thank you so much.
An Australian boy discovered by Shane Gillis in Australia.
Shane brought him to America. We all fell in love with him.
Austin's own James McCann, everybody.
I gotta say...
I have not seen a shocking breakout performance like that
since one hour, 55 minutes into the roast of Tom Brady.
There was this young buck, got up from a table,
made the most of it, changed his own life.
How about one more time for James McCann?
Now, this is a very exciting moment.
This is out of our normal bucket, ladies and gentlemen.
I've been lucky enough to draw one of our great crew members
that actually works with us, helped set up everything today.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you our Dusty, everybody.
I asked my mom the other day, seeing as how she's so pro-choice,
why she decided to have me circumcised.
She told me it was medically necessary.
I've read books. That's a lie. She said, "Look here, smartass."
"When you were born, you had a condition where you didn't have eyelids."
"So, your father and I did you the service of having you circumcised,
so that there was some skin to graft on."
And before I could say a word, she said,
"Why else you think your daddy always calls you cock-eyed?"
- I'm Dusty, that's my time. - Hey, Dusty.
Fuck yeah, Dusty.
- Hey, Tony, how you doing? - I love it.
You had no idea you were going up until two minutes before that set,
and you made the most of the opportunity.
- How do you feel right now, Dusty? - I feel amazing. God bless you all!
Whoo!
I love it. So fun.
All right, Dusty, what's going on in life? What's something we don't know about you?
Uh, I work behind the scenes with men getting out of prison
to show them a new way of living, so they ain't got to go back.
Wow, look at that.
Amazing. Do you have any special tricks to pull that off successfully?
- Jesus. - Ah! Look at that.
So, what do you do? You take them to church?
We work with them as they get moved from maximum custody
to a lower custody level.
We start working with them over the last 24 to 48 months
before they're released.
It's called Second Hope Ministries in Louisville, Kentucky.
They work with them.
They teach guys how to read, how to fill out job applications.
Once they go to our classes,
we take them out to churches and then take them back to the prison,
so that they're getting involved in the world.
And then when they get out, we walk beside them.
We don't just say, "Oh, you're out now. Have at it."
Wow.
Incredible.
Can I ask, what has been your biggest success story
of somebody that you helped?
Uh, honestly, we have had a 0% recidivism rate in the last decade.
- That's a success story. - That's incredible.
Yeah, that's amazing.
That's incredible.
So, you take them out of jail and you take them to churches.
Yes, we take them to church. We get them jobs.
When they get out, we make sure they got wallets and things.
Go ahead. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you, Tony.
No, it's good. I was going to do a Church's Chicken joke
because I'm guessing a lot of them are Black,
but it's okay, it's over now.
So, after you give them wallets, do they take yours or...?
- No, no, no. - All right.
So, which waffle and chicken place do they go to first?
Roscoe's, of course.
- Of course, yeah. - Very good.
Well, hey, that's a beautiful thing you're doing. And I got to say,
the joke too, I heard a lot of free choice,
you know, choice jokes, but I never heard that.
And that's a good angle on that.
- Thank you. Thank you. - Good delivery. Very funny.
And you're a great man. You're doing great work.
And, you know, it's kind of an amazing thing.
- How long you been doing stand-up again? - Six years.
Six years, which I believe is longer than everybody else
that at least works on our crew and everything like that.
And I'd imagine every Monday setting up and breaking it down at the end
of every Monday and having to put it in a truck and everything,
it can be exhausting watching people that don't always prepare
and don't always, you know...
plan on it and it's got to be frustrating because it's just a bucket
that has a mind of its own and tonight you...
- got lucky, you got up here-- - With a minute to prepare, basically.
- Yeah. Yeah, and it's... - That's awesome.
...it's perhaps your good karma and it's a testament
for, you know, enjoying the process
and your time happens because now, you're on Netflix in an arena
- in your hometown and... - Amen.
Whoo!
Roseanne Barr.
Well, I think you're funny. I think you have good stage presence.
I don't like your joke about penises, and I think it was cockeyed.
And I think that the help you offer people is probably cockeyed too.
But I think that you should get some jokes about,
you know, that aren't about cocks.
Yes, ma'am.
Especially if you're helping people who are drug addicts and low,
you know, low on the spiritual level and you're, like, about spiritual shit.
So, get some jokes about that instead of penis material.
You know what I mean? It don't fit
to be about penises when you're trying to lift...
Shut the fuck up!
- Have some respect. - Yeah!
I don't like him talking
about cock-eyed shit when he's trying to save people
and send them to heaven. And you know I'm right.
Fuck off. I'm right.
Fuck you all. Fuck you.
My mama would have said the same thing, Miss Roseanne. You're right.
Well, you should listen to me and your mother
because I'm channeling her right now to tell you the truth.
You get some clean jokes to straighten up these people's lives.
Amen.
I'm telling you the truth.
Hail Satan.
Roseanne's gonna put a curse on all of you.
I'm warning you, you do not boo this queen.
How about a hand for Dusty,
- ladies and gentlemen? - Yeah!
All right. To the Legends bucket we go.
Believe it or not,
there's more, everybody.
And your next comedian, Dusty, get the fuck out of here.
Go. You know better. Get the fuck... All right.
How about another hand for Heidi and Val, everybody?
A lot of drinks on this table tonight. They're working overtime here.
There they are, everybody.
Awooga!
Hey, Tony, real quick. Can I toast the audience?
- Yes, absolutely. - Let's do it.
Ladies and gentlemen, Austin, Texas, thank you for spending New Year's with us.
Hell yeah.
Here's to Kill Tony.
Here's to Fluffy, Rob Schneider, Roseanne Barr,
and this dirtball, Brian Redban, everybody. Happy New Year, everyone.
And I pulled another legend out of the bucket.
Fitting that we're cheersing right now because this
is one of my favorite drinking buddies in the world.
One of the best comedians in the world, had the special of the year this year.
This is a brand-new set from the one and only...
Joe DeRosa!
Austin, what's going on?
Oh!
I love this fucking city.
I drink way too much.
I drink way too much in Austin.
I went to my doctor the other day. My doctor said, "I got bad news, man."
"You got fatty liver."
I said, "Doc, I got bad news. We don't talk that way anymore."
"That's offensive."
My doctor said, "Well, if you don't like that,
you're going to hate this."
"Your heart's half a fag."
Jesus Christ, Doc.
I love to drink for two reasons. Number one, it's awesome.
Number two, I hate weed.
Weed is-- Oh.
Go fuck yourselves, you burnouts. Shut the fuck up.
For everybody that just booed, grow the fuck up and go to a bar.
That's what adults do.
Grow the fuck up and go to a bar to work on your troubles.
You sit on a stool and you stare into a mirror and you do shots
until you numb it all away.
All right? Yeah.
Don't eat a cookie and have a panic attack for three hours on your sofa.
"Why isn't my life the way I want it to be?"
'Cause you're a fucking loser,
you can't even get to the bar to work on yourself.
I am so tired of weed getting this higher praise
like it's a purer substance than alcohol.
Guys, all you're doing is getting drunk, okay?
So stop with the medicinal bullshit.
Enough. "No, no, it's not true."
"My weed, my weed, it helps me reduce my anxiety,
and it helps me focus, and it elevates my mood."
That's all the same shit that booze does.
Trust me, people, you will never feel more calm and focused
than after you slam six Jack Daniels and rip a fat fucking rail
off the back of a toilet tank in a bar bathroom.
You will be at your best.
Centered. Confident. Very confident.
"My edibles help me sleep." You mean pass out?
That's not new science, guys. I've been doing that shit for decades.
You get fucked up and you pass out.
People smoking this shit while they drive. The audacity of you cunts.
The audacity. As an alcoholic, that offends me.
That offends me that you smoke this shit while you're driving me around.
And I'll call my friends out on it, and they go,
"No, no, no, makes me a better driver. It's all good."
They all love to say that. "Makes me a better driver."
No, it doesn't. It just turns real life
into Mario Kart, okay?
Just 'cause you're having more fun doesn't mean you're better at it.
I'm offended. I'm gonna start doing to my weed friends with booze
what they do to me with weed. I want to see how they fucking like it.
"Hey, guys, before I drive us out of the mall,
I'm just gonna rip this Tito's bottle four or five times."
What? It makes me a better driver.
"It makes me a better driver," which it does!
Which it does.
But one is frowned upon and the other isn't.
Why is that?
Why is drinking and driving frowned upon?
I can promise you this, people.
I am never more focused behind the wheel of a car
than when I am fucked up.
I am dialed in.
Stay between the lines. You got this shit right now.
Goddamn.
When I'm driving sober, I'm texting people,
cursing at people out the window,
chasing a guy down the freeway 'cause he cut me off.
It's fucking psychotic.
When I'm drunk, I'm like,
nope, there are rules of the road to be abided by right now.
Now is not the time for distractions.
Austin, Kill Tony, thank you.
- One of the best... - Thank you.
...in the world, ladies and gentlemen, Joe DeRosa.
- I love you guys. - We love you.
Let me just say, you know, you are one of the senior veterans
out of the Legends bucket tonight, a true, true, I mean, active.
Everyone's saying that your special this year,
without a doubt, 2025 special of the year,
and especially amongst your peers,
your comedians that you've been doing this with for over two decades.
And even here tonight, what I loved, which no one else was even able to do,
was at one point, you had the whole crowd,
80% of the crowd turned on you during the weed part,
and then you won them back over.
I saw people that were booing...
- Yeah. - ...like buffoons 20 seconds into your set
that just got up on their feet during your close,
which is fucking incredible.
- I had a feeling that was gonna happen. - Yeah.
Uh, James McCann warned me against it too.
- Yeah. - He's like...
"Really, you're gonna go piss them all off?"
"Tell them you hate the fucking thing they love?"
- Yeah. Amazing to roast that. - Yeah, no, it was... it was-- Yeah.
Thank you, sir, for the finger.
Thank you.
Yes.
Brother, you are fearless.
The way that you did that, I thought that was very impressive.
- Thank you, brother. - Nobody got them to do that
and then brought it back and got a standing ovation.
- Thank you, brother. - Fucking bravo.
- You didn't let it waver-- Yeah. - Bravo.
- You didn't let it rock you at all. - Yeah.
- You used it. - You stayed the course.
There's a very famous thing
where Bill Burr was getting booed in Philadelphia.
And that was a little taste of that tonight.
And you let it-- You turned them. That's a huge accomplishment.
I just have to say that that was amazing.
- Thank you, man. - But I do have to say that
marijuana does reduce my stress and helps my mood.
You were the man in the arena, baby.
- Yeah. - Oh, thank you.
You... You were a boxer.
You were a boxer up there.
- Thank you. - You were throwing jabs.
You were throwing left hooks.
You had the whole audience as your opponent.
And you walked away the winner. It was fantastic.
- Thank you. - You're a great comic, a great writer.
- Thank you. - You took all the assumptions
and just shoved them up everybody's ass.
You were like, "Yeah, fuck you. This is my opinion."
"This is America and you're gonna listen
and you're gonna laugh and fuck you some more."
- That's fair. - And you won. You were great.
- And-- - Roseanne, that means...
It means the world coming from all of you.
I got to tell you, I grew up with you. And before I came down here tonight,
I called my mom to wish her Happy New Year.
And I said, "Mom, I'm gonna meet Roseanne Barr tonight."
And we were both so excited about it.
- It really means a lot to me to meet you. - Thank you so much.
I mean that, Roseanne. You're a legend.
Well, you tell your mother that I said she raised a genius
- and she should be very proud. - Oh! That's sweet.
And, you know, a big theme of the night is,
you know, like, you greats have said, you know,
talk about stuff that you know, talk about what's real to you,
and I promise you...
...nobody knows how to drink
more than Joe DeRosa.
So that is truly who he is, one of my best friends,
one of my favorite comedians, my favorite drinking buddy.
I love you guys. You and Redban, thank you for everything, guys.
I love all of you. Thank you, guys.
- Appreciate it. Thanks, guys. - The great Joe DeRosa, everybody.
And I gotta tell you, I gotta warn everybody,
the roof is about to blow off this joint right now
because I have a special surprise for the entire Kill Tony universe
that you're not going to believe.
This is the return of one of the greatest regulars
in the history of the show, a 26-year-old
that accomplished the unthinkable...
...by going from being a Kill Tony regular
to being a full-time cast member on Saturday Night Live.
And now he's back home in Austin, Texas.
This is Kam Patterson.
What's up? What it do, man?
Um...
I gotta go. I gotta go.
Hey, listen. I'm, uh...
I'm on SNL now, dawg. It's pretty cool, bruh.
It's dope.
I like it, man. You know what's crazy? It's...
I think people are more excited for me than I am for myself, though.
Like, people keep saying, "Congratulations."
"Good job." "That's dope."
And I know how huge it is, but understand something, bro.
I'm 26 and I'm Black. I've never seen the show.
I have...
...no idea what the fuck I signed up for, dawg.
I'm kinda just there, man. And listen, it's not the shit, not for me.
It's for white people, really, dawg. They really--
They have on celebrities I've never heard of in my life.
Like, we had on Glenn Powell at one point, and I was like, "Who is that?" right?
And they was like, "He was in Top Gun." And I was like, "Never seen it," right?
And then we had on Miles Teller, and I was like, "Who is that?"
And they was like, "He was in Top Gun."
And I was like, "I'm on to you niggas, man."
And I'ma be honest, bro. I'ma keep it 100% with y'all, bro.
In the nicest way possible, in the nicest way possible, it's gay.
Like, it's really gay, dawg.
It's gay as fuck. Understand something. I was on national television doing this.
I've shot at somebody before. You understand me?
You see how crazy that change is in life?
To go from "Come back here, fuck, nigga," to...
That's insane, dawg.
One thing... One thing about the show...
I will say this, and I'm gonna get out of here.
One thing I will say, bro, is...
One thing I don't like about it is that they blew my spot up.
I was making good money on stand-up comedy before I got SNL,
but my family had no idea I was making money.
Now, listen, this is a problem, dawg...
...'cause everybody need money now, man.
The issue is...
This is where the problem comes in.
I have no problem helping nobody out with money.
I have no problem with that. But if you need money, get to the point.
My auntie do a great job. She be like,
"Hey, nigga, check your Cash App. Goodbye."
That's great.
She does a good job. My cousins call me and go,
"Cuz, how you doing?"
"I'm proud of you."
"That's amazing."
"I'm so proud of you." And I go,
"Thanks, cuz. How are you doing?"
And they go, "Me? I'm not doing good at all."
"I'm in extreme debt right now."
"And if I don't get paid soon, I have to eat my kids, dawg."
And I go, "How much money do you need?"
And they go, "I just need 17,000 dollars"
Eat the kids, nigga. I can't help you. You're fucked, man.
The funny thing to me, though, is I like to tell my dad
that my cousins asked for money,
but I won't tell him which cousin asked for the money.
So he gotta guess.
But he always guess wrong, but his reasons make sense.
He be like, "Was it, Lil' Gerald?"
"You know Lil' Gerald smoke crack, right?"
"So if you gave Lil' Gerald more than 200 dollars,
you killed that nigga, you know that, right?"
"You murdered Lil' Gerald."
I had no idea Lil' Gerald smoked crack, dawg.
I thought he leaned like this for fun.
I had no idea he did real drugs.
I know about one person in my family that smoked real drugs.
One person. It's my Uncle Herb.
My Uncle Herb is a real crackhead.
Like, when crack came out, he was like, this my shit forever now.
He love it.
And he called and asked for money too, but he make it fun for me.
He'll call with, like, a whole movie storyline.
He'll be like, "Nephew, you not gonna believe this shit here."
"I got kidnapped, and I'm tied up in a basement,
and I need 45 dollars, and they said they'll let me go."
And I said, "You right, I don't believe you, man."
And he said, "What, you want to talk to the kidnappers?"
And I said, "Yeah, put 'em on the phone."
It's another crackhead. "We got your uncle, nigga."
"Come get your uncle." And I send him money every time, dawg.
What's funny is, I send him money, but he don't hang up the phone in time.
So every time I send money, he go, "Got his ass again."
"Who gon' kidnap a crackhead? Nigga, that's crazy."
I've been Kam Pat, thank y'all so much.
Wow. He's back.
Our very own...
sweet, sweet Kam Patterson has returned.
And it brings me so much joy.
I mean, absolutely unbelievable. Welcome home, my friend.
- But it's great to be home, bro. - Unbelievable.
- Hell yeah. - Wow.
- Hell yeah.
- Hell yeah, man. - Listen, Kam,
I was on Saturday Night Live, and I just want to tell you,
45 dollars, you got off light. That's a good time.
You pay those ones. But I have, you know, when I was in SNL,
and you have family members who want money,
that's when it's important.
Now you develop a really terrible gambling habit.
And just say, "I'm blowing it all."
"I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do. I have a problem."
All that shit gone. They gonna fuck though.
That's what I'm gonna say. For sure, though.
- Just an idea, throwing it out there. - Most def.
You don't have to use it.
I'm just putting it out there.
It is so funny.
I love the line that you were making great money before SNL.
You were wildly successful before SNL,
but SNL let your family know how much money you were--
I heard a huge cackle from down there, and I look,
and it's Fluffy cracking up.
Like a man who's been on these highest-grossing
comedian charts for a while that gets hit up from family members.
- It seemed like it hit close to home. - I get hit up all the time.
That's why a lot of times they're like, "How come he doesn't post more?"
'Cause family's watching.
What's up, Netflix?
Anyway, yeah, I didn't even tell them I was gonna be here tonight.
I'm gonna get a call tomorrow. So, yeah, 45 bucks, I wish.
Hey, no, your success is a sure thing.
You're a superstar, buddy. You're a superstar.
- You got it, man. - Thank you. Thank you.
You've got the whole thing. SNL is gonna be good for you, man.
I really fuck with it, dawg.
After you start-- When you start making movies,
then they're gonna really come after you, all right?
You're gonna have to change your address, your number, and everything.
I already did all that shit, dawg. They have no idea where I stay.
Roseanne Barr.
Well, I remember at the club when Tony took me and he's like,
"Hey, I got somebody I want you to see."
- And I've told you this. - Yes, ma'am.
And so he says, "Go over."
So we went over on the balcony and you were--
I was looking and you was down, you know...
...in this half-circle little club, and you were just--
I go, "Look at him, he's just working that stage."
"He's using every inch of that stage," and he's like, "Look at him."
And I was like, oh, my God, this... this is the...
whole new generation.
This is...
I said to Tony,
"Oh, my God, he's everybody rolled up into one and even better."
- Yeah. - And, you know, I love you.
You're for real.
Your life is for real. Your heart is for real.
Your jokes are for real.
- And I love you. - We all agree with that.
I love you too, Roseanne.
- It is incredible. - Thank you.
And I mean, I gotta tell you, we've done a lot of these together.
We've done multiple Madison Square Gardens,
the Forum in LA, four arenas here in Austin before,
and I've never seen you quite like you were in an arena tonight.
It's-- To watch your growth is always--
It reminds us all that we can all always just continue
to get better and grow and expand.
There's been a couple times where you came out
- with a cup of water and a piece of paper... - Yeah!
- ...trying to do magic. - Hey!
Bro, the arena show, though, I never had shit, dawg.
I'm up at that bitch like, "What the fuck am I going to do?"
I had a little bit of time, you know what I'm saying,
- figure some shit out, you feel me? - I love it. I love it.
- You are the shit. I love you. - Love you too, Roseanne. Thank you.
Kam Patterson was born and raised here in Kill Tony land,
and for you to be here tonight means the world to us.
- Love it. - We love you forever.
You're always part of the family anytime.
I'm sure we'll see you at Madison Square Garden in August.
You're a superstar, a superstar.
How loud can this place get for the great Kam Patterson?
Setting a whole new precedent for the expectations
and levels obtainable by a Kill Tony regular.
It is amazing.
How about a hand for these ladies again? Incredible.
Just amazing.
Well, the place is about to go nuts again, I gotta warn you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
another Golden Ticket winner...
...perhaps the greatest Golden Ticket winner in the history of the show,
the only person who I'm afraid of,
the only person that can get me to do whatever he possibly wants,
you know who it is.
This is the undeniable, one and only, Timmy No Brakes!
All right.
I'm gonna level with you.
I was told tonight that I was gonna get wired up and fly around.
And then right before I came on stage, Tone fucked me.
Apparently it's not happening, it was too expensive.
So now everything I was planning to do in the fucking air,
I'm doing on the ground.
And none of this shit is gonna make any fucking sense.
I'm up in the air, flying around
A harness on my body, wires around
Soaring through the air I'm high off the ground
It's Timmy No Brakes, bitch I'm not coming down
Now I'm on the other side of the arena
Holy shit, nice tits, bitch Here's a subpoena
Take my dick out and piss Right on that Latina
I'm up really high You can still see my penis
Take your tits out Take your butts out
Now I'm up even further In the nosebleeds
Section 211, seat three, row B
You guys are really, really poor
I've said it before Fuck the West Hollywood raw
All right You can start the interview, gay guy
Is that funny, Tone? Is this funny?
Timmy, it was gonna--
I looked into this.
- And you-- - What the fuck?
You know I looked into this for you. It was literally gonna be 70,000 dollars
- for you to fly over the audience... - Yeah.
- ...like you wanted to do. - I spent 450,000 dollars
on an F18 Air Force flyover to--
Look, there I go, Tone. There I fucking go.
This is the worst night of my life.
Why are you covered in some type of slime? I don't--
It's flame retardant. I was gonna set myself on fire in the air.
It was gonna be amazing.
Fuck.
I feel like a goddamn idiot.
Oh.
Why's the roof not open?
Fuck!
Start the interview, Tone. What do you want to know about me?
Oh, my God. There's nobody like you.
You are so far outside the box, it's absolutely insane.
Well, I was in Roseanne's box. I will be honest.
Give it up for Roseanne.
She is having my child!
Ooh! Breaking news here on Kill Tony.
- Yeah! - Hell yeah, she's down.
I love you, bitch. I love your box.
Tight.
- Timmy is a-- - Wait.
I can explain.
I was gonna fuck somebody that was Japanese
in mid-air in the audience. She was gonna come, obviously.
I need everybody to know she was gonna come, all right?
Let's move on. Next question.
Timmy, why do you still have all the straps and everything on?
I was told five minutes ago, Tone!
Who put that there? That's--
Gabriel Iglesias has been telling people to move that.
That's what amateur comedians do. You run it over.
That's how you do comedy.
Oh, God! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! I'm on fire!
Oh, fuck!
That's the part where I was gonna get set on fire!
Can I get a fucking strawberry daiquiri or something, honey?
- I'm fucking-- I'm not-- - A strawberry daiquiri?
No, I think this audience would come up with 74,000 dollars
just to see you on fire right now.
I'm sure there's somebody with some...
- Texas money. - I'm gonna be honest.
I started a GoFundMe.
For real. We are raising money.
Tone already pledged 15,000 dollars. Give it up for Tone.
- Oh, man. You did that? - No, I did not do that.
No, yeah, you did.
Oh, God, you're so funny, Timmy.
Oh, God, I love it. Oh, yes, yes. Oh, yeah.
You'll make me laugh again. Yeah, you make baby laugh.
Oh, Daddy, Stinky Baby laugh too much? Mm. Yeah. Oh, Stinky Baby win PB.
Daddy punish Baby. Mm. Yeah. Yeah, I love it. Yeah.
Whoa! This is gonna be on Tubi, Tone. You shouldn't be talking like that.
That's nuts. "Your stinky baby"? That's fucking crazy.
You have anything to plug besides baby's little butt
with binky binky?
I'm glad you asked, Tone.
I'm on tour. Go to TimmyNoBrakes.com.
Ladies and gentlemen, a force to be reckoned with.
The one and only. All right.
No. Don't, don't. Timmy, get the fuck out of here.
Just got rejected by my wife.
There he goes. Timmy No Brakes, everybody.
A totally different kind of creature.
I gotta give you guys credit. These people were ready to mosh.
It is an unbelievable crowd we have here tonight.
How about a hand for yourselves?
You've been making noise for everybody all night tonight.
What a beautiful crowd it is, huh?
Unbelievable.
Children.
- Children, where are you children? - Slower.
- Hey, what's that? - Lollipops, ice cream.
All free today.
- Come out, children. - Oh, my God.
Ice cream, lollipops, all free today, children.
Crinkle cakes, diarrhea bombs, blueberry bubble bunches,
Chinese cinnamon buns, marshmallow meatloaf,
and your sister's fallopian tubes, children.
This is my impression of the Child Catcher in Minnesota.
Children.
Children?
Where the fuck are the children?
Lollipop.
Licky lick, licky lick, licky lick, licky lick.
It's the villain from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
- that I didn't know about two months ago. - All free today.
Lollipops, blueberry blundle blinches,
cinnamon twat burgers, and lemon yellow raspberry bacon burgers.
- All free today. - Whoa!
All free today.
Ladies and gentlemen, how the hell are you?
Make some noise, it's the 2024 Guest of the Year,
Harland Williams!
How are you, everybody?
Wow. What a treat.
I gotta tell you, I was walking around, Tony, Roseanne, Dave, everybody.
I was walking around in Austin,
and an Austin hottie recognized me.
A beautiful, probably a ten out of ten hottie recognized me.
She did one of these. She did one of these.
She goes, "I love you, Harland."
And I said, "Wow, that's pretty bold, man. I don't even know you."
You're doing one of these? I said, "What's that all about?"
She said, "Hey, I think you should say what's on your mind."
So I said, "Okay."
And she gave me one of these.
And I said, "No, thanks."
"I'm not into ass play, but thanks for asking."
How many people out here have the mucus flu that's going around, huh?
Thanks for sitting right up front, guy.
Have you had this mucus flu where you wake up in the morning
and the goblins come out, the snot,
that fucking Mucinex guy comes out and he's standing at the end of your bed,
that little green snot goblin, he's like, "You're going to die, buddy."
I have this little ritual I do with my girlfriend.
We wake up in the morning and...
she does this cute little thing where she says,
"Good morning, my little morning bird." And she's like...
And now she wakes up in the morning with the flu
and she's like, "Good morning."
I took a shower with her the other day. You ever do that?
You ever get in the shower with your girlfriend
and you gotta figure out who's gonna get the warm water
'cause it's only, like, this big, right? So you gotta shuffle around in the shower,
suddenly it turns into the shower square dance, right?
You're in the shower, you're like...
In the shower with my chick She gets warm while I freeze my dick
Do-si-do, twirl back Grab the soap and scrub her crack
Pull her close for a kiss
When her eyes are shut I'll take a piss
Come on, guys, you do it.
How many of you guys, when your girlfriend's washing her hair,
are pissing on her leg?
She's like, "Why does the water burn? It stings like a jellyfish."
All right, I gotta take this nose off.
I feel like I'm in the steam room at my gym
and a guy just stood up in front of me.
I feel like an idiot.
Last thing I want to do is come out here on national TV
and look like an idiot.
Tony, thanks for having me.
You guys, my sister just got her saliva glands removed.
Give her a hand. God bless you. Have a great New Year.
- Thank you very much. Wow. - Harland Williams.
All free today, children.
Thank you. Happy New Year.
Make some fucking noise for the great Harland Williams, everybody.
Gracing us with his presence,
he is the 2024 Guest of the Year...
...which brings us to a very special time in the show.
Every New Year's Eve for the last three years,
we have awarded the new Guest of the Year on New Year's Eve.
This year will be no different.
Here to give out the ultra-prestigious Kill Tony Award,
ladies and gentlemen,
make some noise for all of our best friend, Austin's own...
Joe Rogan, everybody.
Happy New Year, everybody.
Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen, how about Kill Tony?
Ladies and gentlemen, the 2025 Kill Tony Guest of the Year Award
was voted on by the entire cast, the crew, and the band,
and in a stunning turn of events has ended in a tie.
Roll the video, please.
Every Monday for 12 years,
we've put out an episode, and this man has never been on before.
One of the greatest comedians of all time.
Get on your fucking feet and make some noise
for the great and powerful Carrot Top!
Oh, yeah!
Let's fucking go!
- I have a prop, I have a prop. - Let's go.
It's a mousetrap to catch gay mice, see.
The mouse comes in...
This is a coffee cup for lesbians. See, they can...
Hey!
It's a towel when you go to Disney.
You can walk around the pool. "Hey, what's going on?"
You know that picture's gonna be on the internet of me sitting there
looking at Carrot Top's shit hanging out of his towel.
One of the biggest comedy movie stars of all time,
ladies and gentlemen, I present to you our guest, Rob Schneider!
You can do it! Number one show in the world!
- Yeah! - Hit it!
- What do you do for work? - I'm a realtor's assistant.
In my, you know, experience,
even a half-retarded person could be a real estate person, so...
You cannot say that, Rob!
A half-realtor assistant could be a full retard, I'm thinking.
Can we get a little on Rob's nipple there? Yeah.
- As someone-- - What I'm saying is...
- The Black guy's interrupting me again. - What I'm saying is...
Hey!
Chew that dick, chew that dick. Chew that dick, chew that dick.
Can you give me one minute uninterrupted?
If you give me five fucking seconds uninterrupted.
Oh!
Ladies and gentlemen, the Guests Of the Year award,
Rob Schneider and Carrot Top.
Oh, my God, thank you so much.
Thank you, buddy.
Wait, we both won? We both won?
I think you have your own mic, right?
- Oh, wait. No, I do have my own mic, yeah. - There you go.
Yes, you both won. Congratulations.
Oh, thank you, Joe. You're a hero, by the way.
During COVID, the only person that I believed the whole time
was like, what is Joe Rogan saying? God bless you, buddy.
I love you. You're a hero. A hero.
And a lesson to show to comedians, you can be more than just a comedian.
You can change the world, and you did. God bless you, buddy.
I mean it.
I feel very uncomfortable. I took a wild guess and I was right.
That's all that happened.
I'm saying I don't trust anybody. But you guys are awesome.
- Congratulations to both of you. - And Tony... And Ton--
Shit. I'm talking into the--
I'm talking into the-- And Tony, thank you so much.
I feel bad chewing gum. I should probably...
The...
It's horrible to have gum in your mouth when you're up here.
You guys are the best crowd putting up with, like, five hours of a show.
- Tony, Roseanne. Oh, man, you. - Yeah.
You've been very well. You're good to me, my man.
- Rob. - Tony, thank you for this, man.
I've got to tell you, I never felt more love
from any group of comedians than at the Mothership
and from... from you, Tony, so I thank you so much.
- I appreciate it. Thank you. - Much deserved, gentlemen.
It ended in a crazy 22-to-22 tie.
- Can I do one more prop? - Yeah, one more prop.
One more prop. I forgot.
It's a party favor for someone tonight that has asthma.
So you can have a good time and not die.
This is the craziest show on planet Earth.
Guys, can you make it loud one more time for Joe Rogan
and our 2025 Guests of the Year?
- Man, I love you, buddy. - Congrats, man.
Thank you guys so much.
Why don't we grab-- Can we grab one more chair for Carrot Top
and he can sit up here with us just to close out the show real quick?
Because there's only one way to end an episode like this.
Come over here, Carrot. Rob, you can sit back down.
We're gonna grab you a chair real quick, Carrot.
We're gonna grab you a chair.
Because there's only one way to end an episode like this.
You can sit up here and join us.
- Here. - Yeah.
And that is with the comedian that holds the record
for most all-time appearances, the most all-time interviews,
a living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Austin Orangutan,
the Memphis Strangler, the Nuisance of Nashville,
the Big Red Machine, the Vanilla Gorilla,
William Montgomery!
Guess I didn't realize so many daycare centers
had been hijacked by Somali pirates.
They get a substitute teacher and the teacher's like,
"We're watching Black Hawk Down today."
And the three-year-olds are like,
"Again, we watched that movie six times last week."
I'm kidding. Those schools don't have kids.
They're referred to as child soldiers.
I wish every ethnic group would start a daycare center.
Like you go to a Jamaican Head Start and it's actually just a head shop.
You go to the German daycare center and they're like,
"No, it's actually just a camp."
And you're like, "The kids are at camp?"
And they go, "No, no, no, no, no. They're running the camp."
So is the Vatican working alongside the K-pop Demon Hunters?
They need help! Okay, that's my time, Tony!
The most beloved creature, William Montgomery.
Tony, I thought these people were familiar with the Somali situation, dude.
- Yeah. - But it's so nice to be here.
I actually just got back from Saudi Arabia and got these hair transplants,
but they're actually Swarovski crystals.
- Wow. - Yup.
- Ooh! - It was a good Christmas for me.
So, yeah, back in town and yes, having fun watching the new Stranger Things.
Okay. How's that going?
- I'm hating it, Tony! - Uh-oh.
- Tough. - What do you--
We're on Netflix right now. I don't think you're supposed
- to bash Stranger Things. - Oh, oh, oh!
- Right. No, yeah, it's great. - What do you love about it?
Oh, my gosh, just all the characters.
I mean, you know I'm talking about Eleven, Tony!
Wow.
No, actually, she looks too old!
I can't believe it!
Who else?
That one kid's a homosexual, which I think is beautiful.
Yeah, yeah.
But yeah, I don't know. It's almost New Year's.
Amazing.
You're the only person to come out tonight wearing their security clearance lanyard.
As though someone may have stopped you backstage.
They did, Tony.
They saw me, and they were trying to kick me out,
and I literally had to get this out of my fucking back pocket.
I've had a real horrible time tonight, Tony.
Some guy literally is like, "Who the fuck are you?"
"What's that shit on your head?"
And I'm like, "Dude, I'm on the fucking show."
"I was just in Saudi Arabia. What the fuck are you questioning me for?"
And I put it around my neck.
I had to, 'cause I didn't want to deal with that again.
Amazing.
Redban, you look fun with that shit on your head, you idiot.
Do you know that's on there? Are you doing that on purpose?
Thanks for shooting that shit at me, man. That actually hurt.
- That actually really hurt. - Yeah, that was very loud.
A ballsy move to shoot a high-level confetti cannon directly at us.
I was honestly--
I was pretending like it was a gun, Redban, and I was able to do it.
A ballsy maneuver, the maneuver of a man that knows he can get away
with just about anything. William, you are a wild boy.
You guys have any feedback
for the absolutely insane William Montgomery?
You're definitely outside the box.
You have your own energy and you own what you do.
I'm not here to say good or bad. I just know that I recognize different.
You, my friend, are very different. You stand out.
You are a star on this show. So, yeah.
- I don't know what you guys thought. - And Tony, I feel horrible.
I mean, Dedrick was crying, fucking...
People were crying up here tonight, and it's like, I don't wanna cry up here.
I almost feel like I need to cry up here, but I don't feel like crying up here.
Don't cry.
Well, let me tell you, some people entertain an audience,
some people frighten an audience,
and you did both tonight, so congratulations.
- Thank you. - No doubt about it.
- Roseanne Barr. - William, no one is like you.
No one is as brave and untraditional as you.
Nobody gets out of the box quite as fast and goes as far as you do.
- You know I love you. - We can smoke after this, Roseanne.
You have the best pot of anybody in the whole fucking world.
The last time I smoked your pot and went on stage,
there was quite a nervous breakdown and I'm very ashamed of that
and Tony made me promise I would never smoke your pot,
and be on his show ever again because I was acting like Pauly Shore.
But, um...
But William, you are an unparalleled weirdo,
and that is why we all love you so much.
- Yeah. - Thank you.
Fly high, brother.
Let's check in with your big brother Carrot Top here.
I'm just going to say, if Liberace and I fuck, you would be you.
You would be our baby.
Not-- We've had two babies together, but you are brilliant.
I mean, you really are.
And as a fellow redhead, you know, you're stealing my gig a little bit,
but really funny. And I love the fucking crystal head.
I love the joke about getting his head-- What did you say, hair implants?
- Very funny. - Thank you.
You're the only comic that has the balls to take on
- the Saudi Arabian kerfuffle. - I know.
I was thinking, "Am I gonna get into Saudi Arabia tonight?"
And I thought, "Yes, I'm going to get into it."
"I'm gonna say my hair plugs are from Saudi Arabia."
Fuck Saudi Arabia.
Okay. All right.
Yes. Agreed.
And as soon as we say fuck Saudi Arabia,
we lose the audio for...
...for the show. Amazing.
Uh. William, any parting words you want to say?
I hope everybody has a wonderful 2026.
And if you're looking for a fun...
...if you're looking for a fun thing to do, I would look into doing puzzles.
I've done seven puzzles in the past two weeks.
I'm having a real crazy time in my life right now.
But just know that I ain't ever going to stop doing puzzles, Tony!
- Yeah. - Nice to be here.
William Montgomery. And we did it.
This has been the Netflix special, Kill Tony, Once Upon a Time in Texas.
Can you guys make noise one more time for all the amazing guests?
Roseanne Barr, Rob Schneider,
Fluffy, Carrot Top,
Joe Rogan, the great Joe DeRosa, James McCann...
Dedrick Flynn, Fiona Cauley, Ari Matti,
Kam Patterson, Timmy No Brakes, and William Montgomery.
Did you guys have a great night tonight?
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year. Let's have the best 2026 ever.
I love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody.
Yeah!