Downloaded from YTS.BZ
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ
[upbeat music playing]
[bells tolling]
♪ Cause I'm on this long long road ♪
♪ And I don't know where to go ♪
♪ Feels like I'mma lose my mind ♪
♪ But I ain't going back home ♪
♪ I'm gonna follow my dreams ♪
♪ Dreams ♪
♪ Even though it seems that it's a lonely road ♪
[tram bell dinging]
[snoring]
The devil is a liar.
[alarm clock beeping]
[coughing]
Jesus?
Were you watching me sleep again, you naughty boy?
Play your card right,
and you just might catch me on my knees a little bit later.
[dings]
Bye.
[creaking]
[beeping]
[crackling]
[gasps]
[country music playing]
♪ I was raised on stories ♪
♪ Great above in glory ♪
♪ Sweet tea on the porch in the afternoon ♪
♪ Never shy away from hard work ♪
♪ Sunshine, sweat and red dirt ♪
♪ Cooling of at the creek ♪
♪ If you need me ♪
[shutter clicks]
♪ You know where to find me ♪
♪ With my family ♪
♪ By my side ♪
[neon buzzing]
Amen! For God so gave His only begotten--
[screaming]
Fuck. [groans]
Dang you, Mama!
Did you leave your all laying around again?
Ow.
Mama...
Hush child, I'm watching my soaps.
Well, I'm off to work.
Them poke's ain't gonna rind themselves.
I beg you Terri Joe.
Please take some pride in your appearance.
You're basically popping out of that dress
looking like a can of biscuits.
Mama, you made this dress for me.
You know, I-- I think it fits mighty fine.
Bad enough you got a face that looks like
it's been chewed up and spit out.
And then add obese into that
and it's just downright criminal.
Well ain't that the pot calling the kettle black.
I beg your pardon?
Don't you back sass me, girl.
Get back here and bring me my meats.
Best bring me back my Debbie Cakes!
My wells runeth dry.
Yes, ma'am.
"Bring me my meats."
"Bring me cake."
Ain't your arteries closed enough as it is?
Fat bitch.
So tired of her.
But it's hotter than a whore in church out here.
So I'm tired of going to work.
I need a man.
Take care of me,
kiss me on the mouth,
pay all my bills.
That sounds like the life to me.
Woo.
It's hot out here.
MAN: Hello there, pretty lady.
Now, I ain't no bull or nothing,
but you sure do got my heart a-bucking.
Name's Beau.
Beau Taylor.
Oh, come on now, I know those feet
must be howling like a pack of feral hounds.
Why don't you come on in
and let Beau take you for a ride?
I enjoy walking. Move right along.
Oh, come on, no lady as sweet
and purty as you should be subjected to walking.
I said--
[ethereal music playing]
Oh, um, my mama says it's good for me to walk.
It's good for my figure.
Well, I think your figure's just fine.
More than fine.
Thank you.
BEAU: Where are you headed?
Oh, the Chitlin Corner.
My shift starts in 10.
[door creaks]
I'll have you there in five.
Okay.
[chuckles]
So, you said you work over at the Chitlin Corner, huh?
Oh, yeah.
What's that like?
Oh, same shit, different toilet.
Co-workers that ain't worth the damn.
And the boss that ain't done any actual work
in a month of Sundays.
[laughing]
Like we've been meaning to hang up these new cameras,
you know, real high tech stuff,
but the boss can't seem to take his thumb out of his ass
long enough to put the buggers up.
Well, that's a damn shame.
Don't I know it?
["Three Cigarettes in an Ashtray" starts playing]
Oh, my God, I love this song!
And he had the most majestic blue eyes.
That boy was finer than frog hair.
[woman clears throat]
Hello!
Oh, sorry.
How you doing today?
Can you believe this shit?
- WOMAN: It's fucking nuts. - [scanner beeps]
- Got roaches. - [scanner beeps]
Oh, Vampire Repellent.
You know, this is a really good brand.
I got some myself.
[keypad beeping] [dings]
That'll be $19 even, ma'am.
Thank you. Sure, this is real?
Next in line.
So like I was saying, Mike,
I think I found my future suitor.
How many times have you said that, Terri Joe?
And how many times has it worked out?
[scanner beeps]
Look, maybe you should stop messing with those boys
and find someone more distinguished with brown eyes.
Maybe someone closer to you,
like-- like in proximity,
Ooh--
[chuckles] But this time it's different.
God sent me my husband.
Terri Taylor has a nice ring to it, don't you think?
Next in line?
We do not accept EBT.
Everybody out!
[customers groaning]
[water flushing]
All right, everyone on the ground!
- That's just a robbery. - Come on, Come on.
- [register dings] - Jackpot, baby!
- Whoo! - Where the fuck is everybody?
[whispering] I forgot to lock that thing.
Oh, God damn it, Bobford!
I told you not to use latex, numb nuts.
Oh, my God, it's Beau.
Yeah, I thought it'd be scary,
but the truth is, ain't nobody in here.
You thought.
Oh, come on, Beau, can we hurry this up?
Mama's making tuna weenie beanie casserole--
[romantic music playing on headphones]
I want the biggest weenie before Obadiah's fat ass
shows up and grabs it.
Oh, I hope she puts them little baby carrots in like last time.
Hey, shut up, both of you guys!
Focus up. Put your mask on.
[romantic music continues]
How come it is you get to take your dang mask off?
See my face, Bobby?
Face too purty to be covered up. Whoo!
It's got a point.
Say, look it, Beau.
We are focused. All right?
It's Bob Anne who is playing around with her gun.
BOB ANNE: What you got to say to that?
Who got the gun? I am, punk.
Who? Yeah. Yeah!
I never got to tell you this, but I'm gonna tell you now.
Terri Joe, I love you!
[kissing]
- Bob Anne! - Huh?
[gunshot fires]
[Terri Joe screaming]
Dear Lord, forgive me for what I'm about to do.
[gunshot fires]
[exclaiming]
I'm getting outta here...
Let's go, we gotta go. Come on, come on.
BOB ANNE: Whoo!
[panting]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God--
Imma call Mama.
[line trilling]
Hello, this is Tamra.
Mama! Mama, I need help! They're trying to kill me.
Gotcha! [laughing]
Can't believe your dumbass fell for that, Terri Joe.
- Leave a message at the beep. - What the fuck, Mama?
You stupid fat bitch. I hate you.
Oh, my God, I gotta go now.
Go now--
[voice whispering] AMETHYST: Oh, poor Mike.
He didn't deserve to die.
What the fuck--?
And here I thought you were a good Christian girl.
I am a Christian girl!
You're a fucking murderer.
Stay out of my head, Marmalade!
[man chuckles]
And then he said, "Tase me."
He looked me right in the eyes.
[laughing]
So I did.
[all laughing]
TERRI: Sheriff Kelly--
What complaint do you have for us today, Terri Joe?
Wait, wait. Ha, ha. Boom!
- Man... - Let me guess.
A child is selling lemonade without a permit,
[laughing]
Which is illegal
and should be taken very seriously.
But no, I'm here to report something...
[whispering] much more heinous.
Um, I've witnessed a robbery-murder
at the Chitlin Corner,
and I almost lost my life.
And come to think of it,
neither you nor your deputies were there.
Well, we weren't there,
but we already got to line up.
Poor Mike.
Cut down in the prime of his life.
- I know. -Did you know him?
Yep, I worked with him for three years.
Of course I knew him.
God rest his soul.
I plumb forgot you worked at Chitlin Corner.
What a lucky break.
[laughing]
Do you have time to look over the delinquents?
What kind of proud member of the neighborhood watch
would I be if I didn't?
I'd love to.
KELLY: Now when the light comes up, don't worry
because they can't see you.
This here's a two-way mirror.
Just take your time.
I'll be back here enjoying my banana-mayo sandwich.
Okay.
I think I'm ready.
Number 24, head up!
Any of these hoodlums look familiar to you?
28, come forward.
Is that him?
I surely wish it was, but--
Um--
As much as I hate to do this,
I think it was 24.
Beau Taylor.
KELLY: Well, if it's Beau Taylor,
it must be the Bobs, too.
Those pesky crime nappers
been terrorizing this county for months.
We should've known!
Oh, um--
I think he can see me.
No, no, you're fine.
But what does he do, then?
[suspenseful music playing]
"I...
"See...
...You."
Lord Jesus, he can see me?
I'm gonna die a virgin! What do I do?
My apologies, ma'am.
Damn budget cuts.
Must have gotten the glass.
Oh, my God.
What is she doing?
He's gonna kill me!
What am I supposed to do now?
Maybe you should think about leaving town for a while.
You're not safe here.
Damn Bobs are still on the loose.
TERRI JOE: You know what?
No.
As long as the birds are chirping
and the Lord is shining His holy light on me,
I'm protected
and I'm going to put my trust in Him.
I ain't going nowhere.
I'm going to stay right here. I belong.
Goodbye.
KELLY: It's your life.
Damn.
You get one phone call, boy.
Five minutes.
Tops.
[keypad beeping]
[line trilling]
Hello?
- This is Bobford? - [officers laughing]
Bobford, put Bob Anne on the phone, dumbass.
OFFICER: There you go, guys, snake eyes!
Hey, so what happened?
What do you mean no?
Why didn't you just run her over like I told you to?
Go to her house then.
[officers chatting, playing games]
Be sure to follow through with the plan this time.
OFFICER: All right, his turn.
Let's go.
[officer laughing]
God! Going Park Place Ave.
Let's go!
Feel that? [chuckles]
Louisiana's finest.
[line disconnected]
[laughing]
[applause on TV]
- MAN ON TV: $100! - Come on down.
[laughing]
Where is she, huh?
I said where's the where the fuck is she, huh?
[cackling]
God damn it, where is she?
Ah!
Get the fuck out of my house!
I said where the fuck is she?
- Who? - Terri Joe!
Can you get outta here, you piece of shit.
- [grunts] - Ah!
My TV!
Oh-- [crying]
She said church! Down at church.
Come on. Oh.
Oh! Damn!
Get the fuck out.
And if you find her,
tell her not the bother coming home.
Oh yeah? We're taking your meats too, you dumb fucking cunt.
God! My TV!
[crying] Oh, no...
- [door closes] - TERRI JOE: Mama, I'm home!
Mama?
I'm... home.
What happened?
You happened, Terri Joe.
Group of men came in here looking for you.
Oh, no, Mama, I'm so so--
I don't know what kind of trouble
you brought into my house, girl.
I want you out today.
Mama, You don't mean that.
TAMRA: I mean every damn word I said.
I want you gone now.
But where else am I supposed to go?
I never even been out of Louisiana.
Ain't nobody going to take me in here.
That's a you problem.
Get the fuck out of my house!
You ain't never loved me.
[distant dog barking]
[thunder rumbling
[crying]
[snoring]
The hell?
Okay.
[dinging]
[clicking]
[line trilling]
- Hello. - Hello, Jeorgia?
[crowd chattering loudly]
Jeorgia, my mom kicked me out.
She's such a fucking cunt.
Hey, you how watch your mouth.
That's your aunt you're talking about.
You may be my cousin, but that bitch is not my aunt.
So rude.
Where are you? It's so loud.
I'm sorry, I'm in Miami for swim week.
Jeorgia, what am I gonna do?
Ain't never seen her that mad before.
Are we still on that?
[scoffs]
[clicking]
There? I just bought your pathetic ass
a ticket to Miami.
Did you get it?
- [chimes] - What? Hold on. Let me see.
This phone is a lot.
- What? - Sorry.
Ever since Barrack left office,
this damn Obama phone's been on the fritz.
Okay, I'm hanging up now.
Wait, no, wait, wait.
You actually want me to come to Miami?
Ugh, want you to come? No.
What I want is a fat blunt
and a dick-me-down sesh with T-Cham.
Oh, and you off my phone. Goodbye.
Oh, wait, the addy is 555 Hillcrest Dr. Miami Beach.
Now bye. [chuckles]
[slurping]
[dance music in the background]
I asked for reposado,
not blanco, you fucking tardvark.
Guess I'm going to Miami.
[upbeat music playing]
Hey, hey, I've just seen Terri Joe.
Damn, she's a big bitch.
Gas up the truck, boys.
Get the booger sugar ready.
We're going to Miami.
[upbeat reggaeton music playing]
♪ Miami life, God bless ♪
♪ Tropical heat, we're gonna play ♪
♪ Bajo el sol, mi hermano ♪
♪ Everybody move, hasta el final ♪
♪ Quien controla, en mi club ♪
♪ Quien la paga, si eres tú ♪
♪ Buddy all, feel the beat ♪
♪ En mi corazón ♪
♪ One, two, one ♪
[scraping]
[distant dance music playing]
♪ I can't help myself ♪
♪ I just know that I feel good ♪
♪ I feel good ♪
♪ And I want to talk about it ♪
[people chattering]
Excuse me.
♪ I'm real good ♪
[people chattering]
Boy it is humid out there.
Ah!
Jeorgia!
[dance music continues]
I'll be back.
It's me. I'm here.
♪ Nothing is going to stop me ♪
- What are you doing here? - You invited me.
What are you wearing?
And what's wrong with your hair?
Fuck, another reason for Mama to be pissed.
What are you wearing? Where are the rest of your clothes?
Are you drunk?
Bitch, not only am I drunk, but I'm high as fuck-- Oh!
Oh, wait. You should come meet my friend Emma.
She's cool.
Emma, this is my very distant relative.
I think she's homeless and, like, terminally ill.
What's your name again?
It's Terri Joe.
Hey, Jerry Joe, this is my bitch, Emma.
We met last year yachting in Cannes.
Oh, yeah, and our dads used to butt fuck.
But that's a long story.
Anyways, you should drink something
because you look kind of thirsty.
- Oh! - So does your hair.
Okay.
Because the night is still young
and so are we!
[laughing]
You're crazy.
Is this the devil's nectar?
Are you out of your cotton pickin' mind?
Do you want me to go to hell like you?
Lord forgive me, for I have tainted your sacred blood.
- [high-pitched ringing] - [heart beating loudly]
Oh, my God.
I think I'm having a heart attack.
See, I told you she had a terminal illness.
[chuckles]
MAN: Hey, Jeorgia, come do a line off my dick.
[crowd cheering]
Gotta go. Duty calls.
Why don't you give Jerry something to ease her mind?
Bye. Ah!
- It's Cherry, right? - It's Terri.
Well, Jeorgia has told me nothing about you.
Well, she ain't telling me nothing about you either.
Or herself, for that matter.
- Cool. - PRISILLA: Emma...
Ah!
I think I'm overdosing.
[chuckles]
Hey, you know, you wouldn't have a type of aspirin with you?
My head is killing me.
It's Emma.
- Here. - Thank you.
[music muffles]
Okay, I'm gonna go find Jeorgia now.
You know that wasn't aspirin, that was Blitz.
Um, duh.
Jeorgia said she needed to loosen up.
You're such an evil bitch.
[man cheering]
[cheering]
[dance music playing]
[distorted music]
[dance music playing]
I don't even drink, but somehow I'm wasted!
[cheering]
[dance music playing]
[voices distorting]
[music distorting]
[crowd exclaiming and cheering]
[dance music playing]
[giggling]
[Terri Joe giggling]
You new in Miami?
- Mm-- [gasps] - [glass shattering]
Are you new to Miami?
I'm just visiting.
I'm Marcus. And you are...?
Not into Negroes.
[chuckles]
That tickles.
[giggles]
Good.
AMETHYST: You're such a fucking whore.
I am not!
Are you okay?
Yeah. I'm good. just keep going.
[chuckles]
AMETHYST: Oh, he's pretty hung, Terri Bear.
Do you think you can fit all of that inside of you?
I can't do this. Sorry.
I'm. I'm saving myself for marriage.
AMETHYST: [chuckles]
Darling. That ship sailed a long time ago.
[screaming]
Are you sure you're okay?
[nervous laughter]
I'm okay.
I just can't have you deflower me.
Goes against everything I believe.
[distant music playing]
[laughing]
Hey.
Relax, baby. Get comfortable with me. All right?
- Okay. - I got you.
Okay.
Yeah.
[giggles]
Damn!
You got nigga feet.
[laughing]
[both laughing]
- Hop on top. - Oh, okay.
MARCUS: Show me what them big ass feet can do.
TERRI JOE: It's my first... [chuckles]
All right...
♪ Uh, uh, okay ♪
Come on.
- [exclaiming] - Come, girl.
Marcus!
Yee, yee!
Yipee ki-yay! Yipee ki-yay!
Giddy up, cowgirl!
Yipee ki-yay! Yipee ki-yay!
Whoo! Ride 'em, cowboy!
Ah!
TERRI JOE: Boy...
[tense music playing]
- [fart noises] - Marcus?
Marcus?
Marcus, get up.
- [knocking on door] - PRISILLA: Hello. Hello.
Anybody in there? I got to pee really bad.
This ain't no damn bathroom.
Marcus, get up.
Marcus. [sniffing]
Oh--
[coughing]
Marcus!
Hey, Marcus.
Lord, Jesus, help me.
We gotta go.
[crowd chattering]
Holy fuck, Jeorgia?
Jeorgia, help...
Jeorgia...
You okay?
Back away from me, maricon.
You really should sit down. You don't look so good.
You take one more step closer to me
and I'll scream.
Everything's going to be okay.
I need to find my cousin.
[retching]
[body thuds]
[snoring]
Where am I?
My phone...
Where's my phone?
[chuckles]
My God.
JEORGIA: Morning, Twerk Terri.
[gasps]
Why did you just call me?
Twerk Terri.
By the way you were throwing that ass last night,
bitch, you earned it.
[laughing]
What are you talking about?
Look. [chuckles]
[Terri screaming, crowd cheering]
No, no, no.
I just-- I just need to repent.
That's what it is.
I just repent.
You're going to need to do a lot of repenting
from all that hunching you were doing last night.
The what?
You know, I knew Marcus like big girls
because they call him Drake No BBL.
But I didn't know you had a little taste for the jungle.
[chuckles] [making monkey noises]
- [phone chimes] - A nigg--
[screaming]
Oh, sorry.
Noah Beck just liked my post.
- What-- - My bad. Keep going.
Oh, no. I've got to get out of here.
- Got to get to the house. - What are you doing?
I've got to find my way to the House of the Lord
and beg for his forgiveness.
JEORGIA: Can you just chill?
You came out here to party and that's what you're doing.
No, that's what you're doing.
- [choir music] - No, this is me.
I've got to go.
You're such a fucking loser.
- [Jeorgia screaming] - Such a big mistake.
Should've stayed in Louisiana.
I need to repent.
Stupid fucking bitch.
Fucking whore.
I can't believe I let that whore let me get to myself
with another Black man.
Makes no sense.
Can't believe I let that Negroid take advantage of me.
Still taste the Hennessy on my mouth.
Blegh!
Disgusting.
- As I live and breathe. - [choir music playing]
If this ain't divine intervention,
I don't know what is.
This is where I'm meant to be.
[man snoring]
Excuse me?
Excuse me.
Uh, what?
You wouldn't happen to know where that is, would you?
Oh, sorry. I forgot you Blacks were illiterate.
I am looking for church.
I speak English, you fat bitch.
I don't have time for this, Morgan Freeman.
Are you gonna help me,
or are you gonna keep pulling my leg?
No offense.
What's in it for me?
Ain't nothing for free.
Well, you get to help a young Christian woman
find her way to God again.
Girl, I got one leg
and two mouths to feed.
Two mouths? I only see you.
This here is Sheila.
- Oh. - Usually her mouth is full,
but right now she's starving.
I'm hungry, bitch.
My star is up.
Okay, well, here.
Now we're talking.
I've been there a few Thanksgivings ago,
they had greens beans, tomatoes,
potatoes and chicken and Turkey.
You name it!
Okay, well, where is it?
Well, you go about 10 blocks up
and four blocks to the left.
10 blocks? Oh, no.
I'm gonna sit right here and wait for the bus.
Like hell you will.
Ain't no bus been around here
since the Bush administration.
My God, it's one thing after another in this town.
Thank you, I guess.
Come on, Sheila.
We're gonna go get our freak on.
TERRI JOE: Now, is it five after six or before seven?
You know, having a redneck teach you math
it's like having an Asian teach you how to drive.
Just ain't right.
Motherfucker.
Damn it!
I knew I should've trusted no colored man.
Of course he'd lead me to a damn chicken shack.
[sighs]
[upbeat hip hop music playing]
♪♪♪
[fryer beeping]
Tenders up. Next.
WOMAN: I'm so hungry.
- Me first. - Oh.
WOMAN: Oh, my God!
I'm looking for the Love and Friendship Church.
Do you happen to know--
What?
[crowd clamoring]
Quiet!
Sounds like a bunch of monkeys in here.
I can hardly hear myself think.
I think you better get the fuck
from in front of me in this line.
I know you saw me standing here.
Pipe down, scarf.
You know if I was built like a 12-year old boy
as a 50-year old man, I would be pissed too.
But you're just gonna have to wait your turn.
Bitch, you must be out of your rabbit ass mind.
I got this.
I'm looking for the Love and Friendship church.
Girl, you almost got cut
and I'm not talking about in line.
Now order or get out.
Fine, if you insist.
This again. This again?
[camera clicking]
Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna have your four-piece extra crispy
all thighs and a large sweet tea.
Don't get me on my sugar, I like a sweet.
[chuckles]
Oh, and two drumsticks on that too. Thank you.
[crowd clamoring]
Sorry, Unc.
She just ordered the last crispy thighs.
Oh hell no! Where my lighter at?
I'm gonna show her what crispy really is.
Uh-uh, she ain't worth it.
Is it really worth catching another case over some chicken?
Oh, Lord, smiling mind, help me now.
FEMALE VOICE: Now breathe into into your smiling mind with me.
And one, and two...
And three.
You know what? You're right.
Let me get my ass out of here.
Before I set it off up in this bitch.
- Set it off. - NICKI: Next!
Bob Anne, what the hell are you doing?
I ain't trying to be out here till the cows come home.
Yeah, but my cooter hurts
from running that truck all night, Beau.
I can't walk right.
What the hell you mean you can't?
And never could.
Mm-hm, turkey.
You know, if Beau didn't drive like Mee-maw, well--
- What? - Nothing.
That's what I thought.
ALL: Dang.
BEAU: You sure this the right address?
Ain't nowhere in hell Aretha Franklin can pull this off.
You know, sure as shit.
All right, listen up. Y'all gonna follow my lead.
I'm going to do the talking. Y'all shut your nuts.
Just follow Beau.
[exhales]
[whirring]
JEORGIA: The green juice, babe, that's the key.
If you want your body half as tea is mine.
Pair that with the gym
and I promise your body will be looking right.
[chuckles]
Well, not as good as mine,
but it's something, you know?
But cheers.
[phone chimes]
"Jeorgia, didn't you get a BBL?"
Okay, guys, I have to go now.
Dick is calling. See you later.
- [doorbell ringing] - Coming. Coming!
Oh.
[seductive music playing]
♪ Ooh ♪
- Hey, there, ma'am. - Sorry.
Did somebody say train?
Because I'm trying to take a ride on the Cowboy Express.
Choo-choo.
[chuckles]
Um, no. Well, we're actually,
we're looking for our dear old friend Terri Joe.
You know, she sent us this address
to come and have dinner, and we know--
We just wonder if she's here
or if the-- the owner of this place in here?
Um, you're talking to her.
Shit. Are you guys undercover cops?
Because we're doing a shit lot of coke in here.
- Okay. - No.
I'm just kidding. Just kidding.
We're actually part of her
prayer meet up group.
That fake book thing?
That's I right.
Look, I have no clue where she is.
The bitch stormed out earlier
and I haven't seen her since so...
Jeorgia, I think I got coochie lice.
Not again.
Sorry I couldn't be much help.
But a bitch's got stuff to do.
But if you want to come back later,
the door will be unlocked.
Just leave the uggos at home.
Bye.
EMMA: Jeorgia!
JEORGIA: Coming.
Well, I'll be damned. She got a Fakebook account.
Check it, Bobford. Hell you doing?
Mm...
I can't find her.
She ain't got no account.
Let me see that damn thing.
This ain't Fakebook, you hillbilly Hobbit.
This is your Grinder page!
[laughing]
Homestyle chicken, huh?
All right, come on, boys. We got her.
Girl!
Lord have mercy.
Now that was some good eat.
NICKI: Oh, were you raised in a barn yard?
Did your Mama teach you no mannerisms?
Excuse me?
Follicles by Nicole.
I do hair on the side.
And bitch, you most definitely need to come see me.
Your weave looking a hot ass nest.
Sweetheart, this is not a weave.
This is all my natural hair.
[laughing]
Well bitch, if that's your natural hair
then I'm Megan Thee Stallion. Ah!
You need a fresh install pronto.
I'm not even gonna pretend
like I know who Megan the Pony is
or what an install is.
Can you move right along?
Well, look, we're located on Lincoln and Aventura
if you change your mind. - I won't.
I actually have an appointment with Love and Friendship Church.
Do you know what that is?
Girl, just use your phone.
Oh, this Obama phone don't get nothing
but Fakebook and the weather.
All I know is that all the churches is to the South.
I gotta go take my break now.
Good luck.
Bye.
♪♪♪
[upbeat music playing]
Ooh! I love you.
[burping]
[laughing]
Hey.
That chicken feels so good.
Bobby, focus up, damn it.
Now y'all shut up, pay attention.
Follow Beau.
NICKI: Hey!
No loitering.
If you ain't ordering or eating chicken,
you gots to go.
Bobford, Bobby. Follow me.
Bob Anne, you stay here.
Your kind ain't welcome.
[chuckles]
Whoo!
I ain't fucking lesbian.
BEAU: Pardon me, ma'am.
I got to apologize for my brothers there.
Just getting a little over excited, that's all.
[seductive music playing]
Is there something wrong with your face?
[music stops]
You gotta take a shit or something?
No.
- [laughing] - Shut up. Shut up!
Well, good afternoon. It's a lovely day.
I'm sorry, I don't want to bother you,
but we got this friend.
She's in our Fakebook message group Bible study
and we just got, well,
we just got an important Jesus message for her
and I just-- I'm wondering if you've seen her.
Shit, 5-0.
I don't know nothing,
but she was just in here going in on some chicken.
So you saw her.
[whispering] I ain't no snitch,
but if I was,
I would tell you her hair looked a hot ass mess.
I told her to come see me.
I do hair on the side.
You should come see me too.
I do all textures.
I don't know nothing else.
Come on--
Beau, please.
Please, can't we get some chicken?
I'm so hungry I could eat Martha June.
Who is that?
Beau's ex-girlfriend from middle school.
Big boobs, itty bitty waist.
- Uh! - [car door closing]
What are you talking about, Bobby?
Hey, are you huffing whippets again?
TERRI JOE: Lord.
Honey, I am run ragged.
Wish I could hang these feet up like Sunday laundry.
Oh, God, help me.
[upbeat Latin music]
- Yeah. - This is for you.
Excuse me, la niño.
Excuse me.
Hey, you wouldn't happen to know
where the Love and Friendship Church is, would you?
Oh, no need to be scared. I ain't Immigration.
But I do have them on speed dial,
so you do best to mind me, boy.
Hey, what's going on over there?
It's lechon.
- English, primo. - A puerco asado?
Man, a cookout, fish fry, BBQ.
Oh, why didn't you say that first?
Well, ain't you going to introduce me?
Nobody taught you about matters?
Mom wants a tostado.
[Latin music continues]
[music stops]
- Hey. - Jesus.
[murmuring]
[in Spanish]
Gracias, mijo. I'll take it from here.
Hey, everybody, this is my friend Terri Joe.
We met last night.
Please make her feel welcome.
- [cheering] - Hi!
Hey.
I remember you from last night.
You took care of me.
I never got the chance to say thank you.
We were in pretty bad shape.
But I'm happy to see you're feeling better.
I'm going to be the worst shape in hell
for the things I was doing last night.
Can't believe I let myself get consumed
by temptation like that.
I need to find my way back to God.
Give yourself some grace.
We all fall short of His glory.
Well, bless your heart.
You know, I really needed to hear that.
It's all a part of His plan.
Now let's get you some food.
Not gotta tell me twice.
[Latin music playing]
[camera clicking]
- [chiming] - Hey, Bob Anne, the phone!
The phone.
- [mumbles] - Look at the phone!
- What is it? - Oh, shit. She posted.
BOB: There's a picture of the bitch eating again.
Beau, there's a street sign.
Look, she's at the corner of--
Come and Mierda.
May-ur-da.
- Mierda? - Put in the maps,
Baby, she's across town. Let's go.
[cheering and howling]
Let's go, baby, we got our bitch!
Getting turkey! Getting turkey!
[exclaiming]
Oh, shit, Bob Anne!
[Latin music playing]
♪♪♪
[upbeat music distorting]
[screaming]
[gunshots firing]
I got no time--
Excuse me--
[revving]
[tires screeching]
Alguien que me ayude!
- [tires screeching] - [car horn honking]
[screaming]
- [grunts] - [screaming]
- Aah! My leg! - I'm so sorry, Miss.
- Girls, come help me! - It was an accident.
[screaming]
Oh, damn, do you actually know how to drive?
I don't.
- [crying] - What the hell?
[crying]
So sorry, miss.
This Tracy Turnblad wideback of Notre Dank
came and hit me on my good leg!
[groaning]
Oh, hell no, bitch, you got some kind of nerve.
- Pardon me? - Homestyle chicken.
[Drag queen groaning]
I never forget when a bitch plays with my food.
I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone else.
You cut me in line, then you ordered
the last extra crispy chicken thigh dinner,
and now you ran over one of my queens.
I ought to whoop your ass right now.
Oh, hold on now. That chicken thing wasn't my fault.
It's not my fault
that Black-owned businesses are negligent.
I ain't got time for this.
You are gonna fix this now,
or a doctor's gonna have to fix your face
after I'm done rearranging the motherfucker.
[intense upbeat music playing]
Get off of me.
Are you a homosexual.
A what?
- You're-- - Move.
You're all homosexuals.
Um, sure, aren't you?
I'm a Christian woman
and I'm not gonna have my faith compromised.
I'm getting the hell out of here. Ooh!
Girl, my back is killing me.
That will be the last shablam that I'm doing this week
[singing] and I'm gonna need some wings.
TERRI JOE: This is disgusting.
A bunch of men playing dress up.
Honey, we don't play. We do.
No, what you're doing is sinful.
Thinking you can wear womanhood like a damn Halloween costume.
Honey, a sin is thinking
that you can squeeze those size 16 hooves
into those size 6 flats.
[chuckles]
Oh no, I don't touch homosexuals.
Unlike you all. I'm a real woman.
No, you're a bitch.
I'm leaving now.
No, you're not going anywhere.
You took out our closing act.
You are going to perform tonight.
I'm not doing it.
Trust me, girl, you don't want to cross Raine.
I've seen her do worse for less.
Oh.
Okay, then what performance would y'all have me do?
Sing, dance,
shove a pogo stick up your ass
while reciting the alphabet backwards.
I don't give a shit.
Well, I used to sing in the church choir back home.
Works for me.
But don't get up there hootin' and hollerin'
and praise dancing.
Sorry, God.
[crowd chattering]
[feedback ringing]
Sorry.
[slow jazz music playing]
♪ After all the busy bees stop buzzing ♪
♪ Tower bells know it's too late to chime ♪
♪ You can wish all wishes by the dozen ♪
♪ Dreamtime ♪
Huh, who would've known the bitch had pipes.
Well honey, look at her.
It's a known fact that all big bitches can sing.
[laughing]
♪ Dreamtime ♪
♪ Close your eyes and let the moon shine ♪
♪ There will always be in their side ♪
♪ Waiting for you ♪
♪ So until the morning in the weekend ♪
♪ Try and leave memories behind ♪
♪ There'll be second chances for the taking ♪
♪ Dreamtime ♪
[slow jazz music continues]
[applause]
Damn, girl, you may look like a beluga whale,
but I didn't know he could blow down like that.
Beluga?
So who taught you how to sing like that?
Let me guess, you get it from your Mama?
No, she wishes.
That woman sounds like two alley cats
fighting over last week's tuna punch pie.
Tuna punch pie? That's just vile.
Where the hell are you from?
Louisiana. Born and raised.
You never had tuna punch pie?
Well, if you ain't swamp water podunk backwoods,
I don't know what is.
Yeah.
So, Dorothy...
[coughing]
What you doing all the way out here?
Oh, well, it's a long story,
but my Mama kicked me out on account I pissed her off
one too many times.
[sighs] I don't know what's wrong with me.
I was getting myself into some kind of trouble.
Such an idiot.
Ooh, don't be too hard on yourself, child.
I was kicked out of my house too.
My daddy came home
and caught me playing in my mama's lipstick and dress
and sent me right on out the door.
Stripped me naked and beat me to the white meat.
That sounds just awful,
not even the homo deserves...
that kind of treatment.
Mm, well, took a few pots pissed on
and a few doors slammed in my face, but...
I finally found my new family
right here in this very club.
I wish I had such luck.
You know, I've been trying to find this church all day
and it's so annoying 'cause I--
Hey, maybe you can come with me
and we can have somebody pray those demons out of you.
Oh, no, honey,
I gave up my church-going days a long time ago.
But why? Everybody loves church.
Where was the church
when my daddy was whooping me all up and down the streets?
This here is my church.
And my religion is holding a safe space for me,
my girls, gays, theys
and whatever the hell else is out there to just be.
And honey, God ain't in the church.
He's in the heart.
You're right about that. [chuckles]
Oh, okay.
[coughing]
Wait, you don't have AIDS, do you?
Ah.
[laughing]
Give me my damn cigarette.
What? You gotta ask sometimes. You never know.
Now where are you staying at tonight?
'Cause a bitch is about to get out of here
and untuck and unwind.
Well I don't really know about that to be honest with you.
Well come on, you can stay with me
and we could wash this dirty ass dress, too.
I-- I couldn't.
I don't want to put you out like that.
Oh, hush up, girl.
Now let's get out of here before I change my mind.
Just don't go trying to touch me in my sleep.
I like my candy on a stick,
Not in a box.
Well, honey, you don't have to worry about that with me.
- Well, good, honey. -What you do have to worry about
is me taking one of these Red Bulls.
Well, that's what they're for.
[snoring]
Wake up! Sorry sons of bitches.
Somebody check the Fakebook.
[yawns]
No, nothing.
Ooh, easy boys. Oh.
About time to drain the old trouser snake.
- I gotta take a dump. - I'm hungry.
Shut up!
We're running out of time.
We are running out of food.
We're running out of money.
Beau's gotta figure something out.
Jesus Christ, Beau,
look what those crazy Cubans did to your truck!
Now listen here, you--
handsome motherfucker,
I ain't eat nothing since them weenie dogs
at 7-Eleven yesterday.
And if I don't get something in my stomach right now,
I'm gonna start eating these leather seats
off your precious truck.
You so much as think about touching my leather seats,
I will tie your ass to the back and I'll drag you home.
TERRI JOE: Was I snoring last night?
RAINE: Well, you know,
I was actually gonna ask you if you were part Wookie.
- Part Wookie is crazy. - Yeah, it was wild.
Yeah, I know you want to get to your church,
but you're one of my girls now, - Yeah. Oh!
and I can't have you out here looking like this.
So you're coming with me to get this rat's nest tamed.
I'm sure my cousin has an open seat.
I don't have time for this.
I'm on a mission.
And plus, ain't nothing wrong with my hair,
and God says come as you are.
Well, honey, sorry to break it to you,
but I can name at least 10 things wrong with you.
Hey, hey.
- Get your ass in here. - Okay.
[laughing]
Girl, and then he tells me to get all dressed up and look nice
'cause he wants to take me out.
You're late again.
- Sorry. - And?
I asked him "Where?"
he said, "Where they cook food in front of you."
Shani, this is my new friend, Terri Joe.
You think you could hook her up?
She needs a new style for church.
SHANIECE: Mm-mm, ain't enough time
or deep conditioner to treat that scalp.
Nicki can do it.
'Cause she ain't got shit else better to do.
- Mama... - Clearly.
Now, bitch went to Benihana?
Worse, he took my ass to fucking Subway, girl!
- I know you're fucking lying. - The worst part is
I told him I would go on a second date with him,
and I still let him put his foot-long in my mouth.
Bitch, get out of my chair.
Wait a minute. Don't I know you from somewhere?
I'm sorry. Who are you?
Don't you play dumb with me.
You're that colored girl who gave me her business card
after insulting me at that ghetto chicken shack.
Yeah, I don't remember that, but that sounds like me.
I hand'em those out to everybody that comes in.
- Come sit down. - Wait, wait, wait.
Are you sure you can handle hair like this?
'Cause I'm sure you're used to dealing with texture like yours?
What do you mean by that?
Oh, just, you know,
that'd be unkempt and coarse.
And what the hell is that thing on top of your head?
Coming in here looking like James Brown with a toupee on?
Honey, this is homegrown blonde tresses of silky smooth hair
and a healthy bounce to it.
The only thing bouncing on you
was that FUPA when you walked up in here.
Now, do you want me to do something with this mess?
You know, not really,
but seeing as how that scary Black man over there
is gonna go all Shawshank on me if I don't,
I'm gonna let you do it.
Whatever. Like I said, follow me.
Come sit down.
Sure, whatever you say, Moesha.
SHANIECE: Let's go.
KIRA: Ooh, I'm hungry.
I can't wait to get my Vietnamese food.
- Mm-hm! - [laughing]
[bell dinging]
[Nicki grunts]
TERRI JOE: I hope you don't mind me asking, but
why did you choose that hairstyle?
Because I like it like this.
When was the last time you did anything with your hair?
Oh, I actually don't do my hair.
My Mama does it.
Now, is this raccoon or horse hair?
Neither. This is Brazilian, baby.
[scoffs] It's called Brazilian.
So we want to try any kinks and curls today.
Embrace the natural side?
Kinks and curls?
Are you visually impaired?
This is wavy hair.
And plus, even if I wanted to try something new with my hair,
my Mama would kill me.
Well, Terri, you a grown woman
and your mama's not here.
So do you want to try anything new and exciting?
New and exciting.
No.
You a piece of work. You know that, right?
Anything worth having requires work.
[intriguing music playing]
[groans]
Why ain't she posting yet?
I don't like pickle.
[Beau exhales]
- My teeth... - Mm-hm.
Hey, let me get that when you're done.
- Come on. - Hm?
Let me get that when you're done.
Yeah, that.
Thanks.
[exhales]
BOB ANNE: What is it?
[chuckles]
Maybe she's here.
Put in the GPS.
Put it in. Put it in.
Come on.
BOB ANNE: All right, All right.
[keypad clicking]
Hell, it's all the way across town.
You said we ain't got no gas.
We don't even know she's there.
Huh? This is a wild goose chase, Beau.
It's a wild goose chase.
You got a better idea?
[whimsical tone]
Oh, don't cry.
I just--
[sniffles]
I ain't never felt this beautiful before.
You've always been beautiful.
Sometimes you just got to dig through the rocks
to get to the diamonds.
You bitch, you shining.
- You think so? - I know so.
Thank you.
Okay, well, I think this stuff
calls for a selfie, don't you think?
Eat your heart out, Martha Dixon.
Fuck you, Martha.
[shutter clicks]
[sniffing]
Are you okay?
You need a tissue or something?
No, it's-- it's Chinese.
[bell dings]
Anyone hungry?
I know she is.
[phone chimes]
She posted.
I told you she was there, baby!
I'm undefeated, baby!
Let's go!
[exclaiming]
[whooping]
[chuckles]
Now this is my kind of soul food.
[laughing]
Pass me those egg rolls before Terri eats them all.
- Thank you. - My apologies.
I just love me some Chinese food.
So exotic.
You mean Vietnamese.
Nigga, please.
A poodle is a poodle,
no matter what part of the world
you pluck it from.
[laughing]
- What did you just say? - What?
We all know what they be cooking in their kitchens.
It ain't no secret.
[laughing]
Even Fox News said it.
Bitch what?
I'm 15% Vietnamese on my daddy's side.
That's right, my Blasian sister.
You know your dad?
- Get out of here! - [all exclaiming]
Stupid fucking bitches.
Chinegroes.
Ew!
Hey!
[slurping]
Hey! Why did you send me to that chicken place yesterday
when I told you I was looking for a church?
I ain't never met you, girl.
I'd remember if I met Shamu.
[laughing]
Shamu? I told you
I was looking for the Love and Friendship church.
Love and friendship?
Ooh-whee!
They really know how to feed a man.
You see, that's the same bullshit
you were spouting out yesterday.
Bitch, you're gonna give me some money
or you're gonna keep on talking?
And why on God's green earth would I do that?
Because you wanna find that church.
[chuckles] You think I'm falling for that?
If it's the church you seek,
it's the money that I reap.
Mm...
Well, I don't have any cash.
- Pay or plan it. - Fine.
But if you send me on a wild goose chase again,
- [shutter clicks] - I'm gonna find you.
And not only will you be homeless and legless,
but I'm gonna make sure you're dickless, too.
You're welcome, Sheila.
Bitch.
- [phone chimes] - There, it's done.
[chuckles]
That's what I'm talking about.
Bitch, you put me back in the game.
See there, Sheila? I always provide for you.
[slurping]
Oh, hello!
Okay, okay, so you go down three blocks to the left,
then you turn to the right
and you turn to the left
and you back it up and you turn--
Where the fuck is it?
All right, all right.
Go down to blocks to the right.
You turn to the left.
You get on the bus,
and you get off at Jefferson.
The bus? You said there weren't any buses around here.
That was over there.
We over here, you dumbass.
You know what? I don't have time for this.
Get your life together, sir.
And here's a helpful tip.
You won't find God at the bottom of that bottle.
Says who? You dumb bitch.
BOBFORD: I'm first-- Beat it!
- [all groaning and exclaiming] - BOB ANNE: My hair--
I see Terri Joe. She's sitting right there.
Who's got the gun?
I don't see her.
She's sitting in that chair right fucking there.
Mm, that ain't her, you inbred.
That's the girl that gave us the card.
Terri Joe's about 200 pounds heavier,
and four shades darker!
HOMELESS MAN: You boys lost or something?
Who are you calling "boy," boy?
We're looking for this woman. You seen her?
Yeah, I've seen her
and there ain't no way in hell
I'm gonna tell a pecker wood where she is.
Hey, Jiggaboo. You're gonna tell me
exactly where she is
or I'm gonna beat it out of you.
HOMELESS MAN: I ain't scared of you, ho.
- [grunts] - [objects clinking]
That's all you got?
Hey, do you think he fucking really needs that chair,
or he's just lazy, 'cause you're Black?
[laughing]
Only one way to find out.
- Whooo! - Hey!
Take your hands off of Sheila!
What you want? Anything,
Bitch, anything. What you need?
Tell me where the bitch is or Sheila gets it.
Yeah, I'mma penetrate her.
HOMELESS MAN: All right, all right, all right, all right.
She went to the Love and Friendship church.
Come on, man.
Was that so hard?
[Bob Anne making monkey noises]
Give it back.
BEAU: Come on, boys. Let's get out of here.
A fucking girl!
[groans]
Oh, damn.
There's you reparation, Zaboomafoo!
[bus horn honking]
[cheering]
[tires screeching]
Oh, I bet that cotton picker lied to me!
- Damn it. - Lied to me!
I'mma gut him like a catfish on Good Friday.
- Damn it. - Just like Mee-maw, baby.
Just like Mee-maw!
We ain't got time to turn around now.
Plus besides, Bobby took that trash out.
I watched it.
[laughing]
Whoo! Mee-maw made a mean catfish, didn't you, brother?
She did. I miss her. Rest her soul.
[farting]
Oh, ooh shit.
This Japanese food is running straight through me!
Oh, Lord Jesus.
We find a bathroom?
[farting]
Lord Jesus, please don't forsake me.
Oh, shit. Well, that's her.
Look! Look at her!
Oh, shit, Beau.
TERRI JOE: Oh, shit!
- BEAU: All right! - [gang whooping]
- Let's go. - Hoo, hoo!
BOB: Go kneed her ass, Bob Anne.
BEAU: You got this.
Yeah, I'll bring her out dead or alive, boys.
- Yahoo! - Go get her, Bob Anne!
I'm gonna get her, baby, let's go.
- [farting and splattering] - TERRI JOE: Oh!
Feels like the birth of a baby on my ass, oh.
- [farting] - Oh!
AMETHYST: Terri Joe.
[suspenseful music playing]
Oh, Ter-Bear.
Not now, Marmalade.
Oh, come play with me.
- Oh, shit-- - Terri...
Get out, get out.
- And I want it. - Oh, I know!
Terri...
[distorted noises]
[ominous tone]
AMETHYST: I'm back here.
Hey there, cousin.
[squelching and slurping]
[chuckles]
Missed me?
Oh, what's the matter?
You look like you seen a ghost.
Boo!
[distant laughing]
Marmalade?
In the flesh.
You know I can't stay away from you for too long Ter-Bear.
[light crackling]
Oh, and it's Amethyst now.
Oh, Marmalade, please.
It's Amethyst!
Amethyst, Marmalade...
Bat straight out of hell.
I don't really give a fuck.
In fact, I stopped giving a fuck about you
that day you showed up on my doorstep
all bloody and dirty,
turned into this-- this thing.
[growling]
[spooky music playing]
This thing?
You say that like it was my choice.
I didn't choose to be kidnapped.
I didn't choose to be raped and turn into a vampire.
Sweetheart, this is all your fault.
Maybe if you weren't sneaking out in the dead of night
to do God knows what, with God knows who,
you wouldn't be in this predicament now.
AMETHYST: And what predicament is that?
TERRI JOE: Mm, I don't know. Let me see.
A soul-less sack of animated flesh
that feeds on the blood of the innocent,
who are more than likely to spend all eternity in hell?
Whenever that glorious day that somebody decides
to shove a wooden stake through your cold dead heart.
I'm going to make you shit your teeth,
you fucking Republicunt.
Bite me.
Oh, I intend to.
[grunts]
[growling]
Oh!
[grunts]
Ooh, shit.
[grunts]
- [hissing] - [grunts]
[grunts]
Bitch.
[growling]
[squelching]
Ah...
[National Anthem on electric guitar playing]
I did it.
[panting] I did it.
Oh, my God.
- BOBFORD: Well, well! - [gasps]
You've sure been hard to find.
[dramatic music playing]
Ah! Oh, my God.
Beau.
BOB ANNE: I like a strong witch, too.
[ethereal music playing]
[muffled screaming]
[gasping]
- Ah! - Stop all that moving.
Keep your hands off me, you filthy lesbian.
Don't say another motherfucking word
or I swear to God I'll kill you.
Okay, okay. Just don't hurt me.
Beau!
Beau, you're here to save me.
These two men were gonna have their way with me.
I ain't a fucking man.
Could've fooled me.
[mockingly]
Please, please don't do this to me.
BEAU: Oh, it's too late
for all that begging and pleading.
You in some deep doggy shit, Terri Joe.
I heard every word that you told the cops.
How dumb do you think I am?
[Bob Anne chuckles]
[laughing]
Fuck it! Doesn't matter,
because I am a man...
...of good faith.
Now, I was gonna kill you.
[whimpering]
But after seeing your cousin's house, I think
I think ransom just might be a whole lot better idea.
But first, some fun.
Go tighten the ropes.
And I'm gonna get the belt.
- [laughing] - BOB ANNE: Whoo!
[exclaiming]
No, no, please, please.
Hey, I'll call the sheriff
and I'll make it right. I will.
No, no, no, no, no.
I think you're gonna call someone else.
Where's your phone?
Um...
BEAU: Huh?
Where?
Oh, hell no, Bob Anne get that.
- Uh, me? - BEAU: Come on.
Uh, okay...
Oh, no. Anybody but her, please.
No, uh-uh, that ain't my bag.
Mm-mm.
Got to do everything!
[Terri Joe moaning]
It's right on in there.
TERRI JOE: Ooh.
I get in there and I stay Black, brother.
TERRI JOE: Oh, wow.
Ain't gonna bite you.
- Oh, that ain't right. - TERRI JOE: Ooh!
BOB ANNE: Ooh!
TERRI JOE: Good hands you got there.
- [whimpers] - BEAU: Oh!
Now who am I calling?
What the hell kind of phone is this?
Obama.
[laughing]
Figures.
Now you're gonna call up that Black lady
who owns that mansion.
You're gonna ask her for one trillion dollars.
And don't try no funny shit or we'll cut your fingers off.
- Okay. - BEAU: Dial!
- Come on. - [line trilling]
TERRI JOE: Okay, it's calling.
JEORGINA: Hello?
What the fuck? Why is it so dark?
Jeorgia, I need help!
They're trying to kill me!
- [thud] - Ah!
JEORGIA: Oh, my God.
You're at one of those seedy sex clubs downtown, aren't you?
Ugh, thanks for the invite, bitch.
No, no, no, you idiot. I need help!
- [screaming and crying] - Mm!
A little CNC play.
Wow, Miami's really done a number on you.
I couldn't be more proud. [chuckles]
[hangs up]
BEAU: You stupid bitch. Bobford, the gun.
- Tired of this shit. - [gun clicks]
This country-ass bitch has seen her last days.
TERRI JOE: No!
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, we got money saved up at home
from daddy's life insurance.
[breathing heavily]
Put her on speaker.
Okay.
[line trilling]
TAMRA: Hello, this is Tamra.
Oh, Mama, they're trying to kill me!
- Help me! - TAMRA: Ha! Got ya!
Oh, my God.
TAMRA: You dumbass!
Fell for that, Terri Joe.
Damn it! It's every fucking time!
I'm over this shit!
Somebody shoot her. Make it quick.
TERRI JOE: No! Wait, wait!
Hey, Bob, you said I--
No, you always get to have all the fun.
[struggling]
No, move--
No, you always get to have all the fun.
You always get to have all the fun!
It's my turn, you dweeb--
- [gunshot fires] - [screaming]
- What the hell is that? - [gas hissing]
- [gunshots firing] - [screaming]
- BOBFORD: Shit. - BOB: I'm hit!
I'm hit.
[celestial music playing]
[dings]
[gas hissing]
[ethereal choir music playing]
[engine stops]
[grunts]
Where are we?
Exactly where you need to be.
[choir music playing]
What are we writing for?
Let's get in there.
Just like the Lord, I am the shepherd.
I seek the lost, bind the broken,
and lead the willing.
Well, will I ever see you again?
I'm always on the main line.
[Terri Joe chuckles]
Okay.
Well, thank you.
[chuckles]
[upbeat organ music playing]
Finally, my home away from home.
[celestial music playing]
Hey, you sure you don't...
want to come?
[chuckles]
Jesus Cristo.
Jesus Christ?
Jesus Christ. [laughing]
And the Lord said, "I will pour you out a blessing
that there shall not be room enough to receive it."
Malachi, chapter 3, verse 10.
ALL: Amen.
PASTOR: Brothers and sisters, I am here to reassure you
that you in fact deserve every blessing
God bestows on you
because you are God's child.
- ALL: Hallelujah. - Hallelujah.
PASTOR: Speaking of blessings,
today it's my 10th wedding anniversary.
If you know anything about marriage,
you know it is a miracle
just to get past that first year.
[all laughing]
But by the grace of God,
we are still going strong and long.
[applause]
Now, many of you already know my better half,
but for those of you who don't,
I would like to share my blessing with you.
Can I share my blessing with each of you today?
ALL: Yes.
Get on up here, Aubrey.
Ain't that just as sweet as pie.
[applause]
This is my lovely husband Aubrey.
[applause]
What the fuck?
Excuse me?
The love of your life is a man?
And a Black one at that?
Now that's just wrong on so many levels I can't even count.
I mean, how can a man of God
lie down with another man?
That's disgusting.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
How dare you?
[parishioners murmuring]
Here in Love and Friendship
we believe in being inclusive
and having respect for everyone.
Well, are you including God in that respect for everyone?
Because He for sure as hell fire
would not be blessing this union.
WOMAN: You need to leave.
I can't believe this church is run by a bunch
of back-biting, fudge-packing, twinkle-toed,
skirt-wearing, tongue-popping fairy faggots!
[clamoring]
What?
You guys can't seriously be condoning
this kind of behavior in the House of the Lord.
I rebuke it in the name of Jesus.
Why don't you rebuke the fact that your body is 80% back fat?
[parishioners laughing]
What are you even doing here?
The same thing you're doing here.
Didn't you tell me to find someone
to pray the demon out of me?
Or am I too much of a fairy faggot now?
TERRI JOE: Well, I didn't mean in this church.
This church may very well be run by homosexuals,
but it ain't for colored people.
[gasps]
Bitch, are you dead ass?
Do you even own a mirror?
What's that supposed to mean?
Oh, I hate an Uncle Ruckus, Auntie Tom,
Oreo, reverse Rachel Dolezal wannabe white ass hoe.
Bitch, your elbows is as Black as coal.
You watch your mouth in the House of the Lord, girl.
I think you're a little dookie braids are too tight
because it's messing with your eyesight.
RAINE: You're no child to God.
You're just a holier-than-thou throng.
- CROWD: Yeah! - I am a true Christian.
Would a Christian woman push an innocent man
Ain front of a bullet for her own personal well-being?
[crowd gasps]
Mike, I thought you were--
Dead?
You know, it wasn't like that--
And how was it, Terri Joe?
Threw me to the gators like a pack of marshmallows.
I loved you.
I would have done anything for you.
[slurping]
What is going on here?
¿Y qué pasa con mi pobre abuela?
TERRI JOE: English.
We're in America. We speak English.
She almost killed my grandma, torta negrita.
TERRI JOE: Killed is a stretch.
She's almost dead anyways.
- [crowd gasping] - Oh, my bad.
AMETHYST: Speaking of the dead.
Marmalade!
You did this!
Oh, no, Ter-Bear, you did this.
You did all of this.
How could I have done this?
All I wanted to do is go to a church
and praise the good Lord.
AMETHYST: And instead, along the way,
all you've done is take advantage of the kindness
that these people have shown you.
You use God and religion
to shame and ridicule everyone
for being exactly who God made them.
Well, that ends today, Ter-Bear,
because we're gonna make minced meat out of you.
[laughing]
"No weapons that are formed against me shall prosper
"and every tongue that rise up against me
in judgment I shall condemn."
Whoo!
[screaming]
PASTOR: I said take your seat, Terri Joe!
[crowd exclaiming]
[screaming]
[voices echoing]
See? I told you she wasn't dead.
Unfortunately.
Ugh, thank God.
You know, one more hour
and I was gonna have to have 911
all up in my 411.
I need a Xannie.
[doorbell rings]
Oh, wait, wait, please don't answer that.
They're trying to kill me.
What the fuck are you talking about?
[doorbell ringing]
Ew, you're never coming to one of my parties ever again.
And speaking of parties,
a bitch just has to go get her glam on because...
♪ Ain't no party like a Jeorgia yacht party ♪
♪ 'Cause a Jeorgia yacht party has drugs ♪
[laughing]
Oh, my God, my it's so crazy.
Damn heifer, you ain't hear us ringing this fuck ass doorbell?
Oh, my bad.
[intriguing music playing]
What are you doing here?
And you, you did my... hair.
Bitch, please, ain't no way in hell I did that.
No, no, I'm not crazy. I promise.
There was the homosechas, and drag queens
and demons and vampires and...
little Mexican kids playing in the street.
- Bitch, is she okay? - Don't mind her.
She's just a little tardlestein.
Let's get out of here.
Didn't I tell you to pre wash your hair?
I can smell the ejaculate from here.
Oh, sorry. [chuckles]
TERRI JOE: Wait, what--?
Don't leave me here by myself.
Please don't leave me.
Hard. I think I'm losing my marbles.
Where's my holy oil?
This is worse than Juneteenth.
What?
Jesus tits on Christ.
[upbeat music playing]
[gasps]
What the fuck?
[thud]
♪ Cause I'm on this long long road ♪
♪ And I don't know where to go ♪
♪ Feels like I'mma lose my mind ♪
♪ But I ain't going back home ♪
♪ I'm gonna follow my dreams ♪
♪ Dreams ♪
♪ Even though it seems that it's a lonely road ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Cause I'm on this long long road ♪
♪ And I don't know where to go ♪
♪ Feels like I'mma lose my mind ♪
♪ But I ain't going back home ♪
♪ I'm gonna follow my dreams ♪
♪ Dreams ♪
♪ Even though it seems that it's a lonely road ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh♪