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{\an8}[♪ "Aaja" by Swet Shop Boys
feat. Ali Sethi playing]

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Downloaded from
YTS.LT

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[cheering and applause]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.LT

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[announcer] <i>Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the stage, Kumail Nanjiani!</i>

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[cheering and applause]

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Hi!

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Yeah!

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Hi! [laughing]

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Yeah!

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- [cheering and applause continue]
- Thank you, thank you.

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Thank you.

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How's it going, Chicago?

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[audience cheering]

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[Kumail laughing]

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Just walking out, as soon as you--
I heard you cheer, almost started crying.

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That's not... [laughs]
I got overwhelmed, thank you.

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You are so absolutely wonderful.

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It means so much to me
that you're here tonight.

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Uh, I wanna clarify one thing.

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I wanna make sure you all
know that I started off

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as a stand-up comedian
here in Chicago.

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- [cheering and applause]
- I did.

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I-- I started off doing stand-up
in Chicago.

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Then I did it for many years.

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I stopped for like 10 years,
and now I've started stand-up again.

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It's very important to me
that you understand

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that I'm not like an actor who's like,
"Now, I'm gonna do some stand-up."

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[laughter]

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I'd rather you think
I invented COVID, okay?

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[laughter]

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Also, do not get weird
about the muscles.

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I know some people get weird about them.

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Don't get weird.
Don't get weird.

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- It's like...
- [cheering and applause]

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Some people get scared.
Don't be scared.

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These muscles can't hurt you.

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- These muscles are decorative.
- [laughter]

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These muscles
have never seen combat.

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[laughter]

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This is the closest
I've ever been to a fight, okay?

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This was years ago
when I lived in Brooklyn.

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I was driving my wife's car around
at night to try and find a spot.

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I finally found a spot.

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I pulled in, another guy was pulling in,
we started arguing.

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I was like, "Go fuck yourself."

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He got out of the car,
started walking towards me

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and he was like, "What did you say?"
And I was like, "I said...

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I was sorry!"

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[laughter]

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That's the closest
I've ever been to a fight.

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Never been in a fight because
I'm super good at apologizing.

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[laughter]

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Love being back in Chicago.
A lot of stuff has changed, um...

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Marijuana's legal here now.

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[cheering and applause]

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I'm gonna start off controversial.

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I think legalizing marijuana
was a mistake.

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- [scattered gasps, boos]
- Oh. Okay, hold on.

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- [laughter]
- That's not the end of the show.

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I have a point to make.

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By the way, does anyone
remember what it was like

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buying marijuana
before it was legal?

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[scattered cheers]

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You had to, like,
go to a guy's house.

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[laughter]

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You had to, like,
pretend to be friends with a guy.

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You had to, like, watch a little bit
of <i>The Matrix</i> with him.

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[laughter]

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You had to pet his iguana.
It was a fucking nightmare.

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And then, what did you do
after buying weed from him?

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- [audience member] Smoke.
- Yes! Smoke with him!

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W-What? No!

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You have so much,
I have so little.

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[laughter]

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Why do I have to give
some of it back to you for free?

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You don't do that at other places.
At a restaurant, to the waiter,

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you're not like,
"Alright, here's a bite of my burger."

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[laughter]

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Let me explain what I mean, okay?

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I think marijuana
should be decriminalized.

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- I don't think people should go-- yeah.
- [scattered cheers]

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I don't think people should go to jail
for marijuana possession.

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People who are in jail for
marijuana possession should be let out.

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- I think it's ridiculous.
- [cheering and applause]

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I just don't think
it should be, like, 100% legal.

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I feel I should have to
break the law a little bit...

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to feel the way I feel
when I'm high.

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[laughter]

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I'll give you an example.
A few weeks ago,

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my wife and I
were in Northern California.

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We're going on a nice date night
to a nice restaurant.

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And I'd taken an edible.

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And, by the way,
now that weed's legal,

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edibles are way better
because there's a number on the box...

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[laughter]

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...that tells you the maximum high
you will possibly get.

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Back in the day, it was always
a mysterious adventure.

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[laughter]

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Some people were just
trying to prove a point.

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I remember back when I lived here,
there was an old lady

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who'd go to bars and sell weed muffins.

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And I once bought
a weed muffin from her.

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- [audience member] Woo!
- And I ate it, and she was like,

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- "You ate the whole thing?!"
- [laughter]

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"You have to go home right now."

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[laughter]

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And then I laid awake
in bed for three days

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thinking about every email
I'd sent in the last five years.

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[laughter]

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So, much better now.

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We were going on a date,
I'd taken an edible, and I was super high.

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But I knew the number on the box,
so I felt safe.

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So, we go, we sit down outside.

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There's gorgeous mountains
and the sun's in my eyes,

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and I'm just staring at it like...

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I'm so high, I'm just like,
"You're high. I'm high. [chuckles]

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Same word, two meanings."

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[laughter]

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The waiter comes up to me, he's like,
"Sir, right now, the sun's in your eyes."

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And I'm like...
[laughs] "Yeah, no--

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- Yeah, no shit."
- [laughter]

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He says, "Sir, right now,
the sun's in your eyes,

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"but once it starts to set,
you are going to be treated

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to the most beautiful sunset
in all of California."

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And I looked at this man super high,
and I was like,

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"Well, is the sun going to set
behind the mountains?

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[laughter]

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Or in front of the mountains?"

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[laughter]

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It should be a little bit illegal.

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I should have to break the law
a little bit to forget how the sun works.

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[laughter]

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I was genuinely like, "Well, I've never
been to your restaurant, so...

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[laughter]

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"I don't know how
you're doing things here.

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"I don't know if you're setting the sun
behind the mountains

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"or in front of the mountains.

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But if it's in front,
I would like to be reseated."

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[laughter]

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I've been going to a lot
of concerts recently.

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I love going to concerts.
I love seeing live music.

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It's one of my favorite things to do.
It feels like magic to me.

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- Like, I can't do that, and I love--
- [audience member] Woo!

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- Yeah, I love going to concerts.
- [light applause]

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I'll tell you what I hate,
and it happens at every concert.

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I hate the encore.
I hate the whole fucking thing of it.

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Don't pretend to leave.
Stay out here,

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play all the songs in a row.

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It's late.
I have work in the morning.

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[laughter]

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Stay out here,
play all the songs in a row.

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[audience member] Woo!

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How fragile is your ego

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that you have to make us
extra clap for you...

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[laughter]

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...so you'll finish the show
that we've already paid for?

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We've been clapping for you all night.

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What will fill the hole
in your souls, musicians?

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Don't make us play along
with your silly little game.

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They're like, "Alright, show's over.

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We're leaving without playing
our three biggest songs."

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[laughter]

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"Oh no!

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"I can't believe the Eagles left
without playing 'Hotel California.'

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[laughter]

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"And 'Desperado.'

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And... 'Hotel California.'"

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[laughter and applause]

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[laughing] I don't really know
their music.

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[laughter]

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I saw a show recently,
this made me so angry!

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When they pretended
to leave for the encore,

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the guitarist left his phone out there.

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[laughter]

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Bring that with you, man!

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At least pretend you're leaving for good.

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You know, if you're gonna do it,
really commit to it.

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Bring up the lights,
open the doors,

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insist the show is over.

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And then, as everyone's leaving,

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come back out
and play three more songs.

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Make everyone cancel their Ubers.

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[laughter]

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Chicago, you guys are so wonderful.

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Can I talk about something
that's a little, like,

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emotionally difficult
for me to talk about?

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Are we okay with that?

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- [cheering and applause]
- I have your permission?

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Yeah?
Okay, great.

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Um, I have a cat.

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- I do. Her name is Bagel.
- [scattered cheers]

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I call her Everything Bagel
because she is everything to me.

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- I--
- [audience members] Aw!

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I tell you that story to-- to illustrate
how disgusting my love is for her.

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I love her too much.
She's too important to me.

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I'm scared by how much I love her.
Like, she's my whole heart.

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Sometimes I kiss her face so much,
I put her whole-- whole face in my mouth.

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- [laughter]
- I wish I could eat her

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and have her still be around, you know?

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Trump was right about immigrants.

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[laughter and applause]

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[cheering and applause]

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I wish I could eat her,
and then give birth to her,

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because that's what true love is.

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[laughter]

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I have so many names for her:

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Bagel, Bages,

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Little Baby Bages.

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And recently, out of nowhere,
Sweet Christian Girl.

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[laughter]

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I don't know how it started. [laughs]

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I didn't even realize I was doing it.
My wife caught me.

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She's like, "Are you calling
our cat 'Sweet Christian Girl'?"

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It makes no sense
because I am not Christian.

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And she's not Christian.

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I mean, she believes
there's something, you know?

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[laughter]

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She's "spiritual."

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Fuckin' Hollywood cats.
Obnoxious.

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Bagel, uh, just turned 16.

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- [audience groans]
- Alright, I don't need that.

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- [laughter]
- Don't love that reaction.

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I understand how time works, okay?

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[laughter]

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You can't do that with humans.
"My grandma just turned 90."

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- [groaning]
- [laughter]

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I know, 16 is an advanced age for a cat.

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Her age snuck up on me.
I remember when she was eight,

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when Little Baby Bagel was eight.

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I took her to the vet,
and the vet was like,

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"You know the thing
with geriatric cats is--"

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and I was like,
"What do you mean, 'geriatric'?!

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"It's a little baby, look at her!

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"That's a little baby.
Write down 'baby' on your stupid chart.

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[laughter]

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I have a question for you.
Are you an idiot?"

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[laughter]

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Pull out a laser pointer.
"Is this the behavior of an adult?"

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[laughter]

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"Write down 'baby.'"

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[laughter]

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Her age snuck up on me
'cause there aren't, like, milestones

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00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:51,669
that mark the passage of time
with cats, you know?

245
00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:57,342
Like, they don't, like, go to school,
and learn to drive, and get married.

246
00:11:57,425 --> 00:12:00,428
No. Like, I got Bagel
when she was this little.

247
00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:02,931
A few months later,
she was this big.

248
00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:05,433
And since then,
she's looked exactly the same.

249
00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:08,478
- [laughter]
- And learned zero new things.

250
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:10,563
[laughter]

251
00:12:12,315 --> 00:12:14,234
So, her age
totally snuck up on me.

252
00:12:14,317 --> 00:12:17,570
Last year, I was in London
working for four months,

253
00:12:17,654 --> 00:12:20,573
and I brought Bagel with me
'cause I can't live without her.

254
00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:23,993
And, uh, Little Baby Bagel
started having some health issues.

255
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:25,370
- [audience members] Oh.
- She did.

256
00:12:25,453 --> 00:12:28,248
And, um, we had to take her
to the vet a whole bunch of times,

257
00:12:28,331 --> 00:12:29,958
we had to do a bunch of different tests.

258
00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:32,085
She had to stay
at the hospital overnight.

259
00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:34,087
- [audience members] Aw.
- It was horrible, yeah.

260
00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:36,547
And then, when we finally had
the final meeting with the vet,

261
00:12:36,631 --> 00:12:38,758
when they'd figured out
what was wrong with Bagel,

262
00:12:38,841 --> 00:12:41,761
we go in, and this British vet's there,

263
00:12:41,844 --> 00:12:44,180
and he's got this very
somber look on his face.

264
00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:48,142
And he's like,
"Your cat has an enlarged heart."

265
00:12:48,226 --> 00:12:50,395
And I was like,
"Yeah, I know she's got a big heart.

266
00:12:50,478 --> 00:12:52,563
"Like, when I'm sad,
she can, like, feel it,

267
00:12:52,647 --> 00:12:55,483
"like we're psychically linked,
and she puts her face right here

268
00:12:55,566 --> 00:12:58,027
and purrs, and it makes me
feel better, it does."

269
00:12:58,111 --> 00:12:59,112
[laughter]

270
00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:03,449
And he says, uh,
"No, uh, in cats, a big heart is bad."

271
00:13:03,533 --> 00:13:08,454
And I was like, "Okay.
Well, then what-sized heart is good?"

272
00:13:08,538 --> 00:13:11,165
And he said, "A normal-sized heart."

273
00:13:11,249 --> 00:13:12,834
[laughter]

274
00:13:12,917 --> 00:13:15,336
I knew the meeting wasn't going well,

275
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:17,213
'cause the first thing I did
when I got home

276
00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:20,008
was I googled,
"Are vets even real doctors?"

277
00:13:20,091 --> 00:13:22,093
[laughter]

278
00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:25,555
They are.

279
00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:26,889
[laughter]

280
00:13:26,973 --> 00:13:29,934
They have to go to-- they, like,
go to school for it and everything.

281
00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:33,730
And, like, human doctors have to take care
of the human body.

282
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:38,651
Vets have to take care of
every other kind of body on planet Earth!

283
00:13:38,735 --> 00:13:41,738
You could bring in an iguana or a peacock,
and they'd have to be like,

284
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,574
"Alright, let's see what's going on
inside this fucking thing."

285
00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:46,659
[laughter]

286
00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:53,082
"I hope it has a heart.
Otherwise, I don't know where to start."

287
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,459
[laughter]

288
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,504
Anyway, so back to the meeting,
this guy's giving us this news,

289
00:13:58,588 --> 00:14:00,089
and it's not great news.

290
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:02,675
And I don't know what my face did,

291
00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:04,927
but this British guy
got really awkward,

292
00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:07,430
and he started, like, backing up,

293
00:14:07,513 --> 00:14:09,932
and he was, like, looking for something
and he couldn't find it.

294
00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:12,310
And then, finally, he found--
you know that butcher paper

295
00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:14,896
the doctors pull out
that they make you sit on?

296
00:14:14,979 --> 00:14:18,983
Like, it's like that really thin
and really loud piece of paper?

297
00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:21,235
You could-- could kinda see through it.

298
00:14:21,319 --> 00:14:25,698
Like, it's the same material as disposable
toilet seat covers on airplanes.

299
00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:28,242
He rips off a corner of that
and hands it to me.

300
00:14:28,326 --> 00:14:30,661
And I'm like, "Why is he give it--
giving this to me?

301
00:14:30,745 --> 00:14:32,580
Oh, he thinks I'm gonna cry."

302
00:14:32,663 --> 00:14:36,417
And I say to him, "I'm not gonna..."
And before I can finish, just tears.

303
00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:38,002
- [audience] Aww.
- Tears down my face, yeah.

304
00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:39,962
Now, I'm trying to use this
to dry my tears.

305
00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:42,090
And it's not absorbent at all.

306
00:14:42,173 --> 00:14:43,716
[laughter]

307
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:46,344
I'm just relocating the tears
around my face.

308
00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:47,428
[laughter]

309
00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:50,890
I have tears on my forehead,
which is a new sensation.

310
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:56,604
And watching me c-- cry,
this British guy got so awkward

311
00:14:56,687 --> 00:14:59,816
'cause he's British
and emotions are not...

312
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:02,693
- End of sentence.
- [laughter]

313
00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:07,949
So now, this guy gives us
these five pills

314
00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:10,785
and he's like, "Just give 'em
to your cat every day."

315
00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:14,455
And I'm like... [chuckles]
"How do you suggest I do that?

316
00:15:14,539 --> 00:15:20,002
You know how cats are famously compliant
and do whatever you ask them to do?"

317
00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:24,423
And he goes, "Just put it
in her food, she'll eat it."

318
00:15:24,507 --> 00:15:27,927
Which, of course, that doesn't work!
Like, imagine you're at a restaurant

319
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:30,638
and in your spaghetti
there's, like, five Tylenols.

320
00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:32,723
[laughter]

321
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:40,189
You'd be like, "Fuck this restaurant.
I'm leaving.

322
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:42,358
Oh, my back doesn't hurt anymore."

323
00:15:42,441 --> 00:15:44,443
[laughter]

324
00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:51,617
Has anyone here
had to medicate a cat?

325
00:15:51,701 --> 00:15:53,578
- [audience cheering]
- It's so hard, right?

326
00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:56,247
If your life is too easy,
medicate a cat.

327
00:15:56,330 --> 00:15:57,331
[laughter]

328
00:15:57,415 --> 00:16:01,502
Actually, the newest <i>Saw</i> movie,
one of the challenges is,

329
00:16:01,586 --> 00:16:03,337
they have to medicate a cat.

330
00:16:04,589 --> 00:16:06,841
- Everybody dies.
- [laughter]

331
00:16:06,924 --> 00:16:08,801
Except for the cat.
The cat's still alive.

332
00:16:08,885 --> 00:16:10,219
[laughter]

333
00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:12,680
So, the pills-in-the-food plan
doesn't work.

334
00:16:12,763 --> 00:16:15,808
So then, they give us-- the people
who've medicated cats I'm sure know this.

335
00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:17,977
It's like a plastic syringe thing, yep.

336
00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:20,354
But instead of a needle
at the end, there's a hole,

337
00:16:20,438 --> 00:16:22,023
and you put the pill in the hole.

338
00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:24,400
You're supposed to open her mouth
and shoot the pill

339
00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:28,529
into the back of her little baby throat,
which presents a problem.

340
00:16:28,613 --> 00:16:31,782
I cannot get her mouth open.
I don't know how.

341
00:16:31,866 --> 00:16:33,701
I'm so much bigger than her.

342
00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:34,952
[laughter]

343
00:16:35,036 --> 00:16:38,664
I don't know how she's been
exercising her jaw muscles.

344
00:16:38,748 --> 00:16:41,375
I don't know if she's been doing Tae Bo

345
00:16:41,459 --> 00:16:44,128
or a more updated
workout reference.

346
00:16:44,212 --> 00:16:46,964
[laughter and applause]

347
00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:48,674
[audience members] Woo!

348
00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:51,344
P90X, she's doing.

349
00:16:52,261 --> 00:16:54,889
She's doing Purr 90X--
"Purr" 90X?

350
00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:55,973
[laughter]

351
00:16:56,057 --> 00:16:58,851
She's doing Meow Bo.
Ooh, imagine, a little cat?

352
00:16:59,936 --> 00:17:02,104
My therapist says I retreat into puns

353
00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:03,981
when things get
emotionally challenging.

354
00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:05,066
[laughter]

355
00:17:05,149 --> 00:17:07,235
And I'm feline she was correct.

356
00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:10,029
- Alright.
- [audience groaning and laughing]

357
00:17:10,112 --> 00:17:12,281
I'll go fuck myself after the show.

358
00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,367
[cheering and applause]

359
00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:19,163
So, that doesn't work.
So then, we're in London.

360
00:17:19,247 --> 00:17:21,499
We find this French product.
It's a pill putty.

361
00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:23,960
And you-- it's like a goopy thing
and you put the pill in the middle,

362
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:26,504
and surround it with the goop,
and then they can't taste the pill,

363
00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:28,464
and they eat the whole thing.

364
00:17:28,547 --> 00:17:32,176
And people who don't know,
pill putty looks and feels like Play-Doh

365
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:35,429
and smells like the sewers beneath
Buffalo Wild Wings.

366
00:17:35,513 --> 00:17:37,848
[laughter]

367
00:17:37,932 --> 00:17:39,183
And Bagel loves it!

368
00:17:39,267 --> 00:17:40,268
[laughter]

369
00:17:40,351 --> 00:17:41,894
She can't get enough of it!

370
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,273
And the particular product she likes--
we were in London,

371
00:17:45,356 --> 00:17:48,776
this was a French product--
and the name of the product she loves

372
00:17:48,859 --> 00:17:51,862
was, uh, EasyPill Giver Cat.

373
00:17:51,946 --> 00:17:54,198
[laughter]

374
00:17:54,282 --> 00:17:56,409
They just typed some shit
into Google Translate,

375
00:17:56,492 --> 00:17:59,579
and they were like,
"Let's go with exactly that.

376
00:17:59,662 --> 00:18:03,708
No rewrite required.
AI comes through again."

377
00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:06,711
EasyPill Giver Cat.

378
00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:08,045
Easy pill,

379
00:18:08,129 --> 00:18:09,547
giver cat.

380
00:18:09,630 --> 00:18:12,425
"EasyPill," one word.
EasyPill, which is not a word.

381
00:18:12,508 --> 00:18:13,926
EasyPill Giver Cat.

382
00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:16,971
She's not the giver cat,
she's the given cat.

383
00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:19,932
- I have notes.
- [laughter]

384
00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:23,477
But Bagel loves this so much,
so when we fly back to our home in LA,

385
00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:27,106
we bring suitcases full
of EasyPill Giver Cat with us.

386
00:18:27,189 --> 00:18:28,941
We give it to her at home in LA
and she's like,

387
00:18:29,025 --> 00:18:31,027
"Oh no, that's my European food.

388
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:33,029
[laughter]

389
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:35,448
"I don't fuck with that at home.

390
00:18:36,907 --> 00:18:38,075
I'm on a diet."

391
00:18:39,201 --> 00:18:43,372
So, then we take her to her vet in LA,
and he gives us this ointment

392
00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:46,667
that you can rub in her ear
that just does the exact same thing.

393
00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:48,502
"Why didn't you lead with that?!

394
00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:50,421
"Did you invent this last week?

395
00:18:51,547 --> 00:18:53,924
Tell the European vets about it."

396
00:18:54,008 --> 00:18:57,219
So, that's my advice to you.
If you have to medicate a cat,

397
00:18:57,303 --> 00:19:00,097
go right to the ointment
that you can rub in their ear.

398
00:19:00,181 --> 00:19:03,351
But before you do that,
try EasyPill Giver Cat.

399
00:19:03,434 --> 00:19:05,519
I'm selling boxes after the show.

400
00:19:07,063 --> 00:19:10,066
[cheering and applause]

401
00:19:16,405 --> 00:19:18,199
I get night thoughts.

402
00:19:18,282 --> 00:19:19,825
Do you guys get night thoughts?

403
00:19:19,909 --> 00:19:22,119
- [audience member] Woo!
- Yeah, you know what I'm talking about?

404
00:19:22,203 --> 00:19:23,913
When you're laying in bed
in the middle of the night

405
00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,623
and you can't sleep,
and your brain's like,

406
00:19:25,706 --> 00:19:28,000
"Here's something new
for you to worry about.

407
00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:30,002
- [laughter]
- "Oh, you hadn't thought of that?

408
00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:33,339
- "It's 'cause you're a little bit stupid.
- [laughter]

409
00:19:33,422 --> 00:19:35,174
And all your friends know."

410
00:19:36,342 --> 00:19:39,428
Night thoughts are like day thoughts,
except they hate you.

411
00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:40,721
[laughter]

412
00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:43,224
While the sun's out,
I have all the confidence in the world,

413
00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:46,686
but at night comes the hour
of questioning.

414
00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:49,730
Every night,
I have to budget one hour,

415
00:19:49,814 --> 00:19:54,527
every night between 3:00 and 5:00 a.m.,
one hour every night

416
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,487
where the good parts
of my brain are asleep

417
00:19:56,570 --> 00:20:00,032
and the bad parts have come out to play.

418
00:20:00,116 --> 00:20:03,619
So, I'm gonna read to you
my most recent night thoughts.

419
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,705
[cheering and applause]

420
00:20:08,999 --> 00:20:11,669
These are all real,
verbatim, actual thoughts

421
00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:13,587
that have kept me up at night, okay?

422
00:20:14,588 --> 00:20:16,507
"Night Thoughts:

423
00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:18,968
"That email that I sent earlier today,

424
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:21,679
"I said, 'Thanks for reaching out,
good to hear from you.'

425
00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:24,390
"Should I have said
'Great to hear from you'?

426
00:20:24,473 --> 00:20:26,475
[laughter]

427
00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:33,482
"I should email them right now
and clarify.

428
00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:34,942
[laughter]

429
00:20:35,025 --> 00:20:39,363
They'll know I care
because I'm emailing at 4:17 a.m."

430
00:20:41,407 --> 00:20:44,452
"Remember that raccoon that used to come
to your house every day,

431
00:20:44,535 --> 00:20:46,704
"and then one day it stopped coming?

432
00:20:46,787 --> 00:20:49,457
I wonder if I did anything to upset it."

433
00:20:49,540 --> 00:20:51,542
[laughter]

434
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:55,296
"Is Big Bird a chicken?"

435
00:20:55,379 --> 00:20:57,673
[laughter]

436
00:21:01,302 --> 00:21:03,012
Oh, this one's really
keeping me up at night.

437
00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:05,264
Okay, this one's really
fucking my shit up.

438
00:21:05,347 --> 00:21:07,475
This one's really keeping me up at night.

439
00:21:07,558 --> 00:21:09,351
"White people..."

440
00:21:09,435 --> 00:21:10,853
There's more!

441
00:21:10,936 --> 00:21:12,938
[laughter]

442
00:21:16,734 --> 00:21:19,945
You know what? You're totally right.
Just that, too.

443
00:21:20,029 --> 00:21:21,989
Just "White people," period.

444
00:21:22,072 --> 00:21:25,409
- [cheering and applause]
- Knowing you're out there.

445
00:21:25,493 --> 00:21:27,036
Who can sleep, you know?

446
00:21:29,580 --> 00:21:31,707
Good to see
so many of you here tonight.

447
00:21:31,791 --> 00:21:33,793
[laughter]

448
00:21:36,754 --> 00:21:38,380
See if you can follow this, okay?

449
00:21:38,464 --> 00:21:41,842
This is really keeping me up at night.
Okay, see if you can follow this.

450
00:21:41,926 --> 00:21:45,429
"White people get to have
every different hair

451
00:21:45,513 --> 00:21:48,098
"and eye color
there is possible naturally,

452
00:21:48,182 --> 00:21:51,268
"and every other race
gets the exact same ones.

453
00:21:51,352 --> 00:21:53,354
[laughter]

454
00:22:01,862 --> 00:22:05,783
"White people can have red hair,
and blonde hair, and auburn hair,

455
00:22:05,866 --> 00:22:09,286
"and green eyes, and blue eyes,
and hazel eyes.

456
00:22:09,370 --> 00:22:13,165
And every other race gets
black hair and black eyes."

457
00:22:13,249 --> 00:22:16,377
Across the board!
Every other race.

458
00:22:17,711 --> 00:22:21,090
Asian people, Black people,
my kind of Asian people...

459
00:22:21,173 --> 00:22:22,341
[laughter]

460
00:22:22,424 --> 00:22:24,176
...Hispanic people.

461
00:22:24,260 --> 00:22:27,012
We just get black hair
and black eyes.

462
00:22:27,096 --> 00:22:28,848
What the fuck is that about?

463
00:22:28,931 --> 00:22:31,100
[laughter]

464
00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:33,269
I can't figure it out.

465
00:22:33,352 --> 00:22:36,480
The best I can come up with
is that God loves you more.

466
00:22:36,564 --> 00:22:39,358
But I know that can't be true.
He sees what you're like.

467
00:22:39,441 --> 00:22:41,443
[laughter]

468
00:22:42,945 --> 00:22:44,947
[cheering and applause]

469
00:22:48,492 --> 00:22:51,328
We just get black hair and black eyes.

470
00:22:51,412 --> 00:22:53,539
Also, those aren't just ours.

471
00:22:53,622 --> 00:22:56,792
White people can have black hair
and black eyes, too.

472
00:22:56,876 --> 00:22:58,919
You've colonized that as well.

473
00:22:59,003 --> 00:23:00,588
[laughter]

474
00:23:00,671 --> 00:23:03,340
Whenever I see a white person
with black hair and black eyes,

475
00:23:03,424 --> 00:23:05,342
I'm like, "Get off <i>my</i> lawn!"

476
00:23:05,426 --> 00:23:07,678
[laughter]

477
00:23:07,761 --> 00:23:09,763
[cheering and applause]

478
00:23:11,557 --> 00:23:13,726
"What does CVS stand for?"

479
00:23:13,809 --> 00:23:15,811
[laughter]

480
00:23:25,154 --> 00:23:28,324
- So, I have anxiety.
- [laughter]

481
00:23:28,407 --> 00:23:31,160
And I was thinking about this,
I think the reason we have anxiety

482
00:23:31,243 --> 00:23:33,996
is 'cause our bodies'
self-preservation mechanisms

483
00:23:34,079 --> 00:23:36,206
are, like, completely outdated.

484
00:23:36,290 --> 00:23:39,460
Our, like, self-preservation mechanisms,
our survival mechanisms

485
00:23:39,543 --> 00:23:41,587
are all fight-or-flight based, right?

486
00:23:41,670 --> 00:23:43,631
'Cause back in the day,
you see a leopard,

487
00:23:43,714 --> 00:23:46,008
your body gets you ready
for intense physical activity

488
00:23:46,091 --> 00:23:49,094
so you can, like, fight it
or run the fuck away from it.

489
00:23:49,178 --> 00:23:52,348
And now, for the most part,
we don't have those problems,

490
00:23:52,431 --> 00:23:55,059
but our body's presenting
the same solutions.

491
00:23:55,142 --> 00:23:57,019
It's just fight or flight.

492
00:23:57,102 --> 00:23:59,021
So, I'll be laying in bed
in the middle of the night,

493
00:23:59,104 --> 00:24:02,483
not able to sleep, like,
"At the party earlier today,

494
00:24:02,566 --> 00:24:06,070
"when I told Greta that I thought
all kids were stupid,

495
00:24:06,153 --> 00:24:09,281
I hope she didn't think I meant
just, like, <i>her</i> kid was stupid."

496
00:24:09,365 --> 00:24:10,908
- [laughter]
- And my brain's like,

497
00:24:10,991 --> 00:24:14,036
"You're being attacked
by a lion right now!

498
00:24:14,119 --> 00:24:17,331
"I've made your heart beat super fast
and you're breathing super shallow.

499
00:24:17,414 --> 00:24:20,501
So, go find a tree to climb.
Go, go, go!"

500
00:24:20,584 --> 00:24:21,794
[laughter]

501
00:24:21,877 --> 00:24:26,256
And I'm just laying in bed
vibrating like, "Whoa!

502
00:24:26,340 --> 00:24:27,883
"I should go to her Instagram

503
00:24:27,967 --> 00:24:30,678
and just fave pictures
that feature her child."

504
00:24:30,761 --> 00:24:33,305
[laughter]

505
00:24:33,389 --> 00:24:36,433
My body's like, "I've made you
start sweating so you don't overheat."

506
00:24:36,517 --> 00:24:39,186
And I'm like, I just wanna go to sleep!

507
00:24:39,269 --> 00:24:40,938
It's like, "Oh, you're sleeping?
Don't worry.

508
00:24:41,021 --> 00:24:43,107
"All that energy will be funneled
into making sure

509
00:24:43,190 --> 00:24:45,985
- "you grind your teeth all night.
- [laughter]

510
00:24:46,068 --> 00:24:47,403
"Is that helpful?

511
00:24:48,654 --> 00:24:51,115
"Will a visit to a condescending,
judgmental dentist

512
00:24:51,198 --> 00:24:53,242
be the solution you're looking for?"

513
00:24:53,325 --> 00:24:55,744
[laughter]

514
00:24:55,828 --> 00:24:58,414
There's such a chasm
between the problems we have

515
00:24:58,497 --> 00:25:00,916
and the solutions our bodies present.

516
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:03,627
Like, you're like, "I have a--
I have a new job starting tomorrow.

517
00:25:03,711 --> 00:25:05,462
"I hope my coworkers like me.

518
00:25:05,546 --> 00:25:07,923
I hope they don't realize
that I'm full of shit."

519
00:25:08,007 --> 00:25:11,510
And your body's like, "I got it.
I'll make sure you don't poop for a week."

520
00:25:11,593 --> 00:25:13,595
[laughter]

521
00:25:18,267 --> 00:25:20,269
That's not helpful.

522
00:25:20,352 --> 00:25:22,354
[laughter]

523
00:25:28,527 --> 00:25:30,821
My wife and I, we, um,

524
00:25:30,904 --> 00:25:33,949
we, uh, we live in LA,
we have a house in LA.

525
00:25:34,033 --> 00:25:36,160
And the house has a pool.

526
00:25:36,243 --> 00:25:38,829
If I did not have to mention
that fact for this story,

527
00:25:38,912 --> 00:25:41,248
- I would have left it out.
- [laughter]

528
00:25:41,331 --> 00:25:43,709
I'm trying to be relatable
up here, Chicago.

529
00:25:43,792 --> 00:25:46,045
- [laughter]
- I don't know what to tell you.

530
00:25:46,128 --> 00:25:47,963
Shit's hard, life's unfair.

531
00:25:49,173 --> 00:25:52,468
- I have a pool.
- [laughter]

532
00:25:52,551 --> 00:25:54,303
It's a modest pool.

533
00:25:54,386 --> 00:25:57,014
It's huge,
it's just not sure about itself.

534
00:25:57,097 --> 00:25:59,224
[laughter]

535
00:26:01,310 --> 00:26:03,228
So, we were having work done
to the house,

536
00:26:03,312 --> 00:26:04,938
and while we were having
work done to the house,

537
00:26:05,022 --> 00:26:07,316
my wife and I were crashing
at a friend's place.

538
00:26:07,399 --> 00:26:10,069
One day, we go to check on
the work that's being done to the house,

539
00:26:10,152 --> 00:26:14,073
and around our pool
we find an empty bag of chips

540
00:26:14,156 --> 00:26:17,534
- and an empty pair of pants.
- [laughter]

541
00:26:17,618 --> 00:26:19,912
And my lovely wife
freaks out a little bit.

542
00:26:19,995 --> 00:26:22,164
She's like, "What's going on?
We have to find out what's going on.

543
00:26:22,247 --> 00:26:24,208
"I don't know what to do.
What do we do? What do we do?

544
00:26:24,291 --> 00:26:25,876
We should install cameras."

545
00:26:25,959 --> 00:26:28,754
So, I'm like, "Okay, let's do that, honey.
We'll install cameras."

546
00:26:28,837 --> 00:26:30,422
So, we install cameras.

547
00:26:30,506 --> 00:26:33,926
A few days later, we're at the place
we're crashing at and bing,

548
00:26:34,009 --> 00:26:35,677
there's an alert on my phone.

549
00:26:35,761 --> 00:26:38,055
I turn it on.
There's a live feed

550
00:26:38,138 --> 00:26:40,641
from the cameras at my house
to my phone.

551
00:26:40,724 --> 00:26:43,143
And I can see, in real time...

552
00:26:44,228 --> 00:26:46,772
a young man and a young woman,
like a young couple.

553
00:26:46,855 --> 00:26:51,068
I see them climbing over my gate
and walking through my backyard.

554
00:26:51,151 --> 00:26:54,279
I'm just seeing this happen.
They don't even have the decency

555
00:26:54,363 --> 00:26:57,282
to do like a sneaky robber walk,
you know?

556
00:26:57,366 --> 00:26:59,785
They're being
totally nonchalant about it.

557
00:26:59,868 --> 00:27:01,703
They're not being "chalant" at all.

558
00:27:01,787 --> 00:27:03,747
[laughter]

559
00:27:06,500 --> 00:27:09,211
They go to my backyard,
they open their picnic basket.

560
00:27:09,294 --> 00:27:11,922
- They brought a picnic basket!
- [laughter]

561
00:27:12,005 --> 00:27:15,425
And they pull out bread,
and cheese, and a bread knife.

562
00:27:15,509 --> 00:27:17,636
They brought a bread knife!

563
00:27:17,719 --> 00:27:19,930
They're not even in my pool,
they're teasing my pool.

564
00:27:20,013 --> 00:27:22,266
They're foreplaying my pool.

565
00:27:22,349 --> 00:27:25,727
They're just sitting there eating bread
and cheese and laughing.

566
00:27:25,811 --> 00:27:28,647
They're laughing.
And I'm watching this right here,

567
00:27:28,730 --> 00:27:30,232
and Emily's watching it right here.

568
00:27:30,315 --> 00:27:31,817
And I'm like,
"What are they laughing about?"

569
00:27:31,900 --> 00:27:34,319
Like, "Ah, we're so good at petty crimes."

570
00:27:34,403 --> 00:27:36,488
- [laughter]
- And Emily goes,

571
00:27:36,572 --> 00:27:39,825
"Well, uh, you know, there is a microphone
on the camera."

572
00:27:39,908 --> 00:27:43,120
- [audience member] Ooh!
- Ooh, yeah!

573
00:27:43,203 --> 00:27:45,414
So, I'm like, "Alright, let's party."

574
00:27:45,497 --> 00:27:48,792
So, we turn on the microphone
and now we can hear, in real time,

575
00:27:48,876 --> 00:27:50,836
their entire conversation.

576
00:27:50,919 --> 00:27:53,755
And they're having, like,
a total third date conversation.

577
00:27:53,839 --> 00:27:55,090
You know what I mean?

578
00:27:55,173 --> 00:27:57,509
Where she's like, "My parents
divorced when I was a kid."

579
00:27:57,593 --> 00:28:00,012
And he's like, "Mine too.
We should have sex for the first time."

580
00:28:00,095 --> 00:28:03,140
- [laughter]
- Like, that's the vibe, you know?

581
00:28:03,223 --> 00:28:06,393
Anyway, I'm watching it right here,
and Emily's watching it right here.

582
00:28:06,476 --> 00:28:10,314
And Emily goes, uh,
"We should drive over there right now."

583
00:28:10,397 --> 00:28:12,649
And I'm like, "I don't want
to drive over there, honey.

584
00:28:12,733 --> 00:28:15,736
- They have a knife."
- [laughter]

585
00:28:15,819 --> 00:28:18,488
And Emily says,
"We can bring a knife."

586
00:28:18,572 --> 00:28:21,575
[laughter and applause]

587
00:28:23,702 --> 00:28:27,289
"Yeah, I don't want to get
into a knife fight today, my love.

588
00:28:28,749 --> 00:28:30,459
"What happens if I lose?

589
00:28:32,044 --> 00:28:35,213
"Actually, Emily, what happens
if I win the knife fight?

590
00:28:35,297 --> 00:28:36,882
[laughter]

591
00:28:36,965 --> 00:28:39,009
"Do I just murder them?

592
00:28:40,594 --> 00:28:42,512
Is that what you want, my love?"

593
00:28:43,513 --> 00:28:47,059
"You were swimming in my pool."
Stab, stab, stab.

594
00:28:47,142 --> 00:28:51,063
"Honey, as per your instructions,
I have killed the trespassing picnickers.

595
00:28:52,314 --> 00:28:53,815
"That's their corpses.

596
00:28:54,942 --> 00:28:57,402
"Do you have the instruction manual
for the new camera system?

597
00:28:57,486 --> 00:28:59,363
'Cause we gotta delete some footage."

598
00:28:59,446 --> 00:29:01,740
- [laughter]
- Shit looks premeditated.

599
00:29:01,823 --> 00:29:03,825
I walk in with a knife.

600
00:29:03,909 --> 00:29:05,827
[laughter]

601
00:29:10,457 --> 00:29:13,043
So, we decide we're not gonna do that,
okay, so we're just discussing.

602
00:29:13,126 --> 00:29:15,879
We're just talking about,
should we call the police?

603
00:29:15,963 --> 00:29:19,007
We're really discussing it, like,
we're having a real conversation about it.

604
00:29:19,091 --> 00:29:20,801
Like, where I'm like,
"Well, you know, honey,

605
00:29:20,884 --> 00:29:23,011
"we don't want them swimming in our pool,

606
00:29:23,095 --> 00:29:25,806
"but we also don't want them
to get arrested over this.

607
00:29:25,889 --> 00:29:28,642
"Like, it is technically
breaking and entering.

608
00:29:28,725 --> 00:29:31,103
"But you know, Emily,
once your name's in the system,

609
00:29:31,186 --> 00:29:32,729
"you can't get jobs.

610
00:29:32,813 --> 00:29:35,440
It's a very difficult hole
to climb out of, my love."

611
00:29:35,524 --> 00:29:38,193
We're really talking about this, I'm like,
"You know the criminal justice system

612
00:29:38,276 --> 00:29:42,114
"of this country,
it is not interested in rehabilitation.

613
00:29:42,197 --> 00:29:45,367
"No, the criminal justice system
of America

614
00:29:45,450 --> 00:29:47,244
"creates career criminals.

615
00:29:47,327 --> 00:29:49,287
I was watching
this documentary about it."

616
00:29:49,371 --> 00:29:50,372
[laughter]

617
00:29:50,455 --> 00:29:52,666
And I've noticed that
while we've been talking,

618
00:29:52,749 --> 00:29:54,751
both of them have stopped talking

619
00:29:54,835 --> 00:29:57,254
and are staring at us
through the phone.

620
00:29:57,337 --> 00:29:59,339
[laughter]

621
00:30:00,799 --> 00:30:03,343
[applause]

622
00:30:03,427 --> 00:30:06,388
'Cause when you turn on the microphone,
it goes both ways.

623
00:30:06,471 --> 00:30:08,473
[laughter]

624
00:30:09,599 --> 00:30:11,727
They've heard this entire conversation.

625
00:30:12,978 --> 00:30:15,480
They've heard us being like,
"We can bring a knife."

626
00:30:15,564 --> 00:30:17,566
[laughter]

627
00:30:20,569 --> 00:30:22,529
Now, we're staring at them,
they're staring at us,

628
00:30:22,612 --> 00:30:24,698
like two raccoons
caught in the trash.

629
00:30:24,781 --> 00:30:26,783
[laughter]

630
00:30:28,326 --> 00:30:31,455
Bright green, glowing, night vision eyes.

631
00:30:31,538 --> 00:30:35,125
And then after the longest silence
of my life-- I swear this is true!

632
00:30:35,208 --> 00:30:38,045
After the longest silence of my life,
my wife goes...

633
00:30:38,128 --> 00:30:39,921
[robotically]
"The police have been called."

634
00:30:40,005 --> 00:30:43,091
[laughter and applause]

635
00:30:48,180 --> 00:30:50,390
I'm like, "Emily, are you doing
like a robot voice?"

636
00:30:51,683 --> 00:30:53,643
She's like, "It sounds more official."

637
00:30:54,895 --> 00:30:57,689
- They can hear this part, too.
- [laughter]

638
00:30:59,066 --> 00:31:01,485
[robotically]
"The police have been called.

639
00:31:01,568 --> 00:31:05,113
The police have been called."
She's just saying it over and over.

640
00:31:05,197 --> 00:31:07,532
She's stuck, she doesn't know
how to get out of it.

641
00:31:07,616 --> 00:31:09,701
She's looking to me for help
and I'm like,

642
00:31:09,785 --> 00:31:12,204
I can't leave her hanging,
so I panic, and I'm like,

643
00:31:12,287 --> 00:31:14,998
[robotically] "Yes, you are correct.
The police are on their way.

644
00:31:15,082 --> 00:31:17,084
[laughter]

645
00:31:18,335 --> 00:31:20,587
"They just got in the police car.

646
00:31:21,671 --> 00:31:23,799
"I am the police car robot.

647
00:31:25,050 --> 00:31:28,887
"It's a new program
they're trying in Los Angeles County.

648
00:31:30,222 --> 00:31:32,849
Turn left on La Cienega."

649
00:31:34,768 --> 00:31:36,770
- They left.
- [laughter]

650
00:31:36,853 --> 00:31:39,815
'Cause they'd heard two cyborgs
arguing the ins and outs

651
00:31:39,898 --> 00:31:41,858
of the prison industrial complex.

652
00:31:42,818 --> 00:31:45,362
Decided instead to go have sex
for the first time.

653
00:31:47,531 --> 00:31:50,534
[cheering and applause]

654
00:31:56,206 --> 00:31:58,792
As they were leaving,
I got back on the microphone

655
00:31:58,875 --> 00:32:00,669
and-- and I was like,
[robotically] "On your way out,

656
00:32:00,752 --> 00:32:03,630
please grab one box
of EasyPill Giver Cat."

657
00:32:03,713 --> 00:32:05,715
[laughter]

658
00:32:11,012 --> 00:32:13,014
I am an immigrant.

659
00:32:13,098 --> 00:32:14,432
- I am.
- [cheering and applause]

660
00:32:14,516 --> 00:32:16,143
Are there any other immigrants here?

661
00:32:16,226 --> 00:32:18,019
- [scattered cheers]
- Immigrants? Yes?

662
00:32:19,020 --> 00:32:20,605
Yeah. Where are you from?

663
00:32:20,689 --> 00:32:22,232
- [audience member 1] India.
- India.

664
00:32:22,315 --> 00:32:25,110
- [audience member 2] Yay!
- [scattered cheers]

665
00:32:25,193 --> 00:32:27,779
I think there's some other ones here.

666
00:32:27,863 --> 00:32:31,324
- I'm from Pakistan.
- [audience cheering]

667
00:32:31,408 --> 00:32:33,160
It used to be called India.

668
00:32:33,243 --> 00:32:35,203
[laughter]

669
00:32:35,287 --> 00:32:36,788
How long have you been here?

670
00:32:37,247 --> 00:32:40,584
- [audience member] Forty-eight years.
- Forty-eight years. Wow.

671
00:32:40,667 --> 00:32:42,919
Anybody else?
Any other?

672
00:32:43,003 --> 00:32:44,713
R-- Yes, hi.
Where are you from?

673
00:32:44,796 --> 00:32:46,256
[audience member] Uh, former USSR.

674
00:32:46,339 --> 00:32:49,885
Former USSR.
Uh, what's it called today?

675
00:32:49,968 --> 00:32:52,804
[laughter]

676
00:32:52,888 --> 00:32:54,890
You've told me where you're not from.

677
00:32:54,973 --> 00:32:57,559
[laughter]

678
00:32:57,642 --> 00:32:58,852
- Where?
- [audience member] Russia.

679
00:32:58,935 --> 00:33:03,273
Russia. Are you--
W-Why didn't you just say Russia?

680
00:33:04,357 --> 00:33:06,276
Why? Has it been in the news recently?

681
00:33:06,359 --> 00:33:09,362
[laughter and applause]

682
00:33:10,697 --> 00:33:12,282
What did happen to Russia?

683
00:33:12,365 --> 00:33:15,994
I feel like we used
to hear about them a lot.

684
00:33:16,077 --> 00:33:17,537
It's been silence for a while.

685
00:33:17,621 --> 00:33:19,789
How long have you--
how long have you been here?

686
00:33:19,873 --> 00:33:22,083
- [audience member] Forty-nine years.
- Forty-nine years.

687
00:33:22,167 --> 00:33:24,628
So, how old were you
when you came here?

688
00:33:24,711 --> 00:33:26,046
- [audience member] Seven.
- Seven.

689
00:33:26,129 --> 00:33:27,964
Are there any real immigrants here?

690
00:33:28,048 --> 00:33:30,592
[laughter]

691
00:33:30,675 --> 00:33:32,636
I'm just being serious.

692
00:33:32,719 --> 00:33:35,805
[laughter]

693
00:33:37,891 --> 00:33:39,809
Anybody else?
Is there any other immigrant?

694
00:33:39,893 --> 00:33:41,394
- [scattering cheers]
- Okay, what you can't do

695
00:33:41,478 --> 00:33:43,021
is point at someone else.

696
00:33:43,104 --> 00:33:45,106
[laughter]

697
00:33:49,402 --> 00:33:51,696
You can't be like,
"Immigrant right over here."

698
00:33:51,780 --> 00:33:54,783
[laughter and applause]

699
00:33:56,868 --> 00:33:59,204
You can't do that
for the next four years.

700
00:33:59,287 --> 00:34:01,289
[laughter]

701
00:34:02,499 --> 00:34:05,627
[cheering and applause]

702
00:34:09,756 --> 00:34:12,842
So, we know this, I think--
you know, people who were born here

703
00:34:12,926 --> 00:34:15,971
think the borders are wide open,
anybody can just waltz in.

704
00:34:16,054 --> 00:34:18,265
But people like us
who had to move here

705
00:34:18,348 --> 00:34:20,600
understand that, like, nothing could be
further from the truth.

706
00:34:20,684 --> 00:34:22,978
It's very hard to move to America.

707
00:34:23,061 --> 00:34:25,814
It took me 14 years
to get my green card.

708
00:34:25,897 --> 00:34:30,068
It cost me over $10,000.
Lawyer fees, application fees.

709
00:34:30,151 --> 00:34:33,738
And if people don't know this,
that entire process

710
00:34:33,822 --> 00:34:35,532
comes down to one interview.

711
00:34:35,615 --> 00:34:38,159
And on that day in that room,
there's one person,

712
00:34:38,243 --> 00:34:40,870
and it's-- on that day,
it's completely up to that person.

713
00:34:40,954 --> 00:34:43,707
They can say yes,
and you can stay.

714
00:34:43,790 --> 00:34:47,711
Or they say no,
and you're on a boat to Pakistan.

715
00:34:47,794 --> 00:34:50,422
That's only if you're from Pakistan.
That's not the standard.

716
00:34:50,505 --> 00:34:53,174
- [laughter]
- "But I'm from Canada."

717
00:34:53,258 --> 00:34:55,343
"Fuck you. Boat to Pakistan."

718
00:34:55,427 --> 00:34:57,178
[laughter]

719
00:34:57,262 --> 00:34:58,471
"Oh, no!

720
00:34:59,681 --> 00:35:01,433
The stakes are so high."

721
00:35:01,516 --> 00:35:03,518
[laughter]

722
00:35:07,105 --> 00:35:10,275
So, I go in to talk to this woman,
and, uh, she's sitting at her desk,

723
00:35:10,358 --> 00:35:12,736
and I cannot believe
she was allowed to have this.

724
00:35:12,819 --> 00:35:15,864
This is completely true.
Right behind her desk, on the wall,

725
00:35:15,947 --> 00:35:17,949
she had a big Jesus calendar.

726
00:35:18,992 --> 00:35:21,286
But like a Jesus of the month calendar...

727
00:35:21,369 --> 00:35:22,454
[laughter]

728
00:35:22,537 --> 00:35:25,790
...with Jesus performing, like, different
activities every month, you know?

729
00:35:25,874 --> 00:35:27,792
Like Jesus fishing,

730
00:35:27,876 --> 00:35:31,171
- Jesus dunking on LeBron.
- [laughter]

731
00:35:31,254 --> 00:35:34,174
My month was Jesus
driving a boat to Pakistan.

732
00:35:34,257 --> 00:35:36,301
[laughter]

733
00:35:36,384 --> 00:35:38,470
So, I sit down,
and she's gonna interview me,

734
00:35:38,553 --> 00:35:41,222
and I'm very intimidated,
and she wants to be intimidating.

735
00:35:41,306 --> 00:35:43,183
She's, like, got her glasses
down to here.

736
00:35:43,266 --> 00:35:46,019
She's leaning in,
she's trying to poke holes in my story.

737
00:35:46,102 --> 00:35:48,104
She's trying to catch me in a lie.

738
00:35:48,188 --> 00:35:50,398
Then, about halfway through,
just to see what would happen,

739
00:35:50,482 --> 00:35:52,067
about halfway through, I go,

740
00:35:52,150 --> 00:35:54,944
"Well, I don't consider myself
Muslim anymore."

741
00:35:55,028 --> 00:35:56,780
And she immediately switches.

742
00:35:56,863 --> 00:35:58,907
Way nicer after that.

743
00:35:58,990 --> 00:36:01,826
Like, genuinely, her shoulders relax.
She's like, "Oh, thank God."

744
00:36:01,910 --> 00:36:04,746
- [laughter]
- Her glasses are off, she's leaning back.

745
00:36:04,829 --> 00:36:07,457
Now, she's laughing
at jokes I'm making.

746
00:36:07,540 --> 00:36:10,794
And then, she asks me, she's like,
"So, how do your parents

747
00:36:10,877 --> 00:36:14,589
feel about the fact that you
will raise your kids Christian?"

748
00:36:14,673 --> 00:36:18,468
- [audience gasping]
- Yeah, which I never said anything about.

749
00:36:18,551 --> 00:36:20,637
She just assumed,
"If he doesn't like vanilla,

750
00:36:20,720 --> 00:36:23,223
- he must like chocolate."
- [laughter]

751
00:36:23,306 --> 00:36:24,557
So, I looked at her and I was like,

752
00:36:24,641 --> 00:36:26,559
"Ma'am, they're not
gonna be happy about it,

753
00:36:26,643 --> 00:36:28,395
"but I just love Jesus so much.

754
00:36:28,478 --> 00:36:30,480
[laughter, cheering, and applause]

755
00:36:33,441 --> 00:36:35,443
Where did you get that calendar?"

756
00:36:36,986 --> 00:36:38,113
Approved!

757
00:36:40,782 --> 00:36:43,785
[cheering and applause]

758
00:36:46,037 --> 00:36:50,750
Um, I am so genuinely excited
to be back in this gorgeous theater.

759
00:36:50,834 --> 00:36:53,294
- [cheering and applause]
- It's so beautiful.

760
00:36:53,378 --> 00:36:55,380
[whistling and cheering]

761
00:36:59,592 --> 00:37:02,971
This... [chuckles]
This is where I started stand-up.

762
00:37:03,054 --> 00:37:06,266
This is where I met my lovely wife.
Oh, my God.

763
00:37:06,349 --> 00:37:08,351
- So, I'm just very...
- [cheering and applause]

764
00:37:08,435 --> 00:37:10,186
...very happy to be back here.

765
00:37:10,270 --> 00:37:13,606
The last time I did this venue
was in 2000 and... [mumbling]

766
00:37:13,690 --> 00:37:14,733
And, uh,

767
00:37:14,816 --> 00:37:17,026
I opened for Zach Galifianakis here.

768
00:37:17,110 --> 00:37:19,738
- [audience exclaiming]
- And I remember doing that show

769
00:37:19,821 --> 00:37:21,823
and being like,
"Someday I'll headline this place."

770
00:37:21,906 --> 00:37:24,993
And today,
I get to shoot my special here.

771
00:37:25,076 --> 00:37:26,911
- [cheering and applause]
- Yeah.

772
00:37:28,037 --> 00:37:30,039
[chuckles]

773
00:37:32,959 --> 00:37:35,420
So, thank you for coming.

774
00:37:36,713 --> 00:37:39,299
No, you've been so wonderful.
It's been truly so wonderful to come back.

775
00:37:39,382 --> 00:37:41,217
Can I talk about another thing

776
00:37:41,301 --> 00:37:43,928
that's like emotionally vulnerable
for me to talk about?

777
00:37:44,012 --> 00:37:46,931
- Are we okay with that? Yes?
- [cheering and applause]

778
00:37:48,016 --> 00:37:49,017
Okay, thank you.

779
00:37:49,100 --> 00:37:51,144
So, this is--
this is emotionally vulnerable.

780
00:37:51,227 --> 00:37:54,314
This is difficult for me to talk about.
Um, this is true.

781
00:37:54,397 --> 00:37:57,317
A few months ago,
I did a friend's podcast.

782
00:37:57,400 --> 00:38:00,570
And on the podcast,
I mentioned that I was in a movie.

783
00:38:00,653 --> 00:38:03,573
When it came out,
its reviews were so bad

784
00:38:03,656 --> 00:38:07,869
and hurt my feelings so deeply
that I started seeing a therapist.

785
00:38:07,952 --> 00:38:11,915
And, uh, for some reason,
that little part of the podcast

786
00:38:11,998 --> 00:38:16,044
got picked up
by every major newspaper in America.

787
00:38:16,127 --> 00:38:19,422
Like, truly, like <i>Chicago Tribune,</i>
uh, <i>Sun Times,</i>

788
00:38:19,506 --> 00:38:21,591
<i>New York Times,</i> uh, <i>Rolling Stone.</i>

789
00:38:21,674 --> 00:38:25,553
Everybody picked it up,
and they all had the exact same headline.

790
00:38:25,637 --> 00:38:27,722
You can look this up,
the headline was,

791
00:38:27,806 --> 00:38:31,392
"Bad Reviews
Land Kumail Nanjiani In Therapy."

792
00:38:31,476 --> 00:38:33,436
[laughter]

793
00:38:33,520 --> 00:38:36,064
Which, they did not land me
in therapy.

794
00:38:36,147 --> 00:38:37,899
People land in jail.

795
00:38:37,982 --> 00:38:39,400
[laughter]

796
00:38:39,484 --> 00:38:41,611
I did not get sentenced to therapy.

797
00:38:42,779 --> 00:38:46,366
A judge wasn't like,
"47% on Rotten Tomatoes?

798
00:38:48,368 --> 00:38:50,411
"You need to talk to a professional.

799
00:38:50,495 --> 00:38:53,414
- [laughter]
- "You call that a third act?

800
00:38:56,125 --> 00:38:58,127
Too many characters."

801
00:38:58,211 --> 00:39:00,213
[scattered laughter and applause]

802
00:39:05,969 --> 00:39:10,306
Not great that obviously so many people
know exactly what movie I'm talking about.

803
00:39:10,390 --> 00:39:12,100
- [laughter]
- Not great.

804
00:39:14,102 --> 00:39:17,355
I didn't land in therapy.
I chose to go to therapy

805
00:39:17,438 --> 00:39:20,024
because I realized
that too much of my self-esteem

806
00:39:20,108 --> 00:39:22,694
was tied up in what people
thought about my work.

807
00:39:22,777 --> 00:39:25,363
Like, if I made something good
that people liked, I was a good person.

808
00:39:25,446 --> 00:39:28,324
If I made something bad that people
didn't like, I was a bad person.

809
00:39:28,408 --> 00:39:30,910
And I realized that
that was untenable.

810
00:39:30,994 --> 00:39:34,163
I had to figure out how to have
my self-worth come from inside me

811
00:39:34,247 --> 00:39:37,166
and not be based on
other people's opinions of my work.

812
00:39:37,250 --> 00:39:39,168
That's why I went to therapy.

813
00:39:39,252 --> 00:39:42,255
[cheering and applause]

814
00:39:46,259 --> 00:39:48,219
That was not America's reaction.

815
00:39:48,303 --> 00:39:49,345
[laughter]

816
00:39:49,429 --> 00:39:51,472
What followed instead, was two weeks

817
00:39:51,556 --> 00:39:54,684
of everyone on social media
calling me a baby.

818
00:39:54,767 --> 00:39:56,311
- [sympathetic laughter]
- No, no, no.

819
00:39:56,394 --> 00:39:59,606
In their defense, they're totally right.
I'm a big baby.

820
00:39:59,689 --> 00:40:02,358
My feelings get hurt
constantly and deeply,

821
00:40:02,442 --> 00:40:03,860
which is why I went to therapy,

822
00:40:03,943 --> 00:40:06,154
so it wouldn't ruin
my fucking life anymore.

823
00:40:06,237 --> 00:40:07,238
[laughter]

824
00:40:08,364 --> 00:40:11,618
And there were thousands of responses
on social media for two weeks,

825
00:40:11,701 --> 00:40:15,371
people that were very angry at me
for talking about going to therapy.

826
00:40:15,455 --> 00:40:17,332
And there were thousands of responses,
but really,

827
00:40:17,415 --> 00:40:20,585
there were five different responses
thousands of times.

828
00:40:20,668 --> 00:40:24,339
'Cause everyone in social media thinks
they're so clever and original,

829
00:40:24,422 --> 00:40:28,217
but they're just repeating shit that
thousands of people have already said.

830
00:40:28,301 --> 00:40:32,096
So, really,
there were, uh, five different responses,

831
00:40:32,180 --> 00:40:34,599
thousands of times,
five different responses.

832
00:40:34,682 --> 00:40:37,101
And we're gonna go over
each of those responses...

833
00:40:37,185 --> 00:40:40,188
[laughter, cheering and applause]

834
00:40:41,856 --> 00:40:43,608
...and talk about them, okay?

835
00:40:45,151 --> 00:40:46,986
Response number one:

836
00:40:47,070 --> 00:40:49,113
"Oh, your big Hollywood movie
didn't do well.

837
00:40:49,197 --> 00:40:51,282
Are we supposed to feel sorry for you?"

838
00:40:51,366 --> 00:40:54,452
No, I don't want you
to feel sorry for me. I don't!

839
00:40:54,535 --> 00:40:56,412
But I get to feel sorry for me.

840
00:40:56,496 --> 00:40:58,748
This is my life.
I'm inside of here.

841
00:40:58,831 --> 00:41:00,583
I worked really hard
for a year on something

842
00:41:00,667 --> 00:41:02,210
that I thought was gonna be awesome.

843
00:41:02,293 --> 00:41:04,796
And when it came out,
everyone was like, "No, it sucks.

844
00:41:04,879 --> 00:41:07,298
"Also, we think you're stupid!

845
00:41:07,382 --> 00:41:09,550
"Also, we've decided you're gonna be
the first person

846
00:41:09,634 --> 00:41:11,427
we mock for getting in shape."

847
00:41:11,511 --> 00:41:13,888
What?!
How the fuck did that happen?!

848
00:41:13,972 --> 00:41:17,058
That's happened to nobody else
in the history of civilization.

849
00:41:17,141 --> 00:41:19,811
- Why me?!
- [cheering and applause]

850
00:41:19,894 --> 00:41:21,562
"Oh, he got abs?
What a moron."

851
00:41:21,646 --> 00:41:22,647
What?!

852
00:41:23,773 --> 00:41:25,650
Who changed the rules?

853
00:41:25,733 --> 00:41:27,694
Why didn't anybody
give me a heads up?

854
00:41:27,777 --> 00:41:30,279
Do you know how hard this was?

855
00:41:30,363 --> 00:41:32,532
I have not smelled cake in years!

856
00:41:33,533 --> 00:41:37,120
And now, I know all of you are waiting
for me to go back to how I was.

857
00:41:37,203 --> 00:41:40,331
Oh, it'd make you so happy
if I go back to how I was.

858
00:41:40,415 --> 00:41:42,208
So now, I'm stuck in this prison,

859
00:41:42,291 --> 00:41:44,252
'cause I don't want to give you
the satisfaction.

860
00:41:44,335 --> 00:41:46,337
[cheering and applause]

861
00:41:52,176 --> 00:41:54,095
There's no reason
for me to be buff anymore,

862
00:41:54,178 --> 00:41:55,972
but I am, because fuck you.

863
00:41:56,055 --> 00:41:58,057
[cheering and applause]

864
00:42:00,601 --> 00:42:03,646
I'll be doing push-ups on my deathbed,
because fuck you.

865
00:42:03,730 --> 00:42:04,731
[laughter]

866
00:42:04,814 --> 00:42:06,691
When I look at cake
and wanna eat it,

867
00:42:06,774 --> 00:42:09,152
I think of how happy
it'll make you if I eat it,

868
00:42:09,235 --> 00:42:11,571
and that gives me
the strength to not eat it.

869
00:42:11,654 --> 00:42:14,532
[laughter and applause]

870
00:42:14,615 --> 00:42:16,367
Response number two...

871
00:42:16,451 --> 00:42:18,327
- [laughter]
- [audience member] Woo!

872
00:42:18,411 --> 00:42:21,664
"Oh, you got paid for a movie
that didn't do well? Boo-hoo."

873
00:42:22,832 --> 00:42:24,751
It is true. I did get paid for it.

874
00:42:24,834 --> 00:42:25,835
[laughter]

875
00:42:25,918 --> 00:42:29,255
But that doesn't mean that I don't get
to be sad when it didn't do well.

876
00:42:29,338 --> 00:42:31,799
And the implication there
is that because my life is great--

877
00:42:31,883 --> 00:42:33,885
and it's true, I have a great life.

878
00:42:33,968 --> 00:42:36,679
I really do,
and I'm very, very grateful for it.

879
00:42:36,763 --> 00:42:38,431
Like, I can't believe I get to be up here,

880
00:42:38,514 --> 00:42:42,143
talking to you amazing people
for a living.

881
00:42:42,226 --> 00:42:44,812
- [cheering and applause]
- I'm genuinely very thankful for it.

882
00:42:44,896 --> 00:42:47,315
I understand I'm very, very fortunate.

883
00:42:47,398 --> 00:42:49,150
Very thankful for it.

884
00:42:49,233 --> 00:42:50,985
- However...
- [laughter]

885
00:42:51,069 --> 00:42:54,072
...that does not mean that bad shit
does not happen to me.

886
00:42:54,155 --> 00:42:56,491
I have disappointments, I have fears.

887
00:42:56,574 --> 00:42:59,035
- My baby cat gets sick.
- [audience] Aw!

888
00:42:59,118 --> 00:43:01,662
Sometimes my abs get stuck in my belt.

889
00:43:01,746 --> 00:43:03,748
[laughter]

890
00:43:10,630 --> 00:43:13,341
You don't know what that's like,
you deep-dish motherfuckers.

891
00:43:13,424 --> 00:43:15,551
[laughter]

892
00:43:15,635 --> 00:43:18,638
[cheering and applause]

893
00:43:21,390 --> 00:43:23,726
People swim in my pool
without my permission.

894
00:43:24,894 --> 00:43:28,231
- Just trying to see where the line is.
- [laughter]

895
00:43:28,314 --> 00:43:29,774
Response number three:

896
00:43:29,857 --> 00:43:32,068
"Watching your movie
made me wanna get therapy."

897
00:43:32,151 --> 00:43:34,278
Oh, that's good.
That's clever.

898
00:43:34,362 --> 00:43:35,988
Give yourself a cookie,
I'm not gonna eat it,

899
00:43:36,072 --> 00:43:37,740
because fuck you, remember?

900
00:43:37,824 --> 00:43:39,075
[laughter]

901
00:43:39,158 --> 00:43:41,035
"Watching your movie
made me wanna get therapy."

902
00:43:41,119 --> 00:43:44,413
Well, then you were just looking
for an excuse to go to therapy,

903
00:43:44,497 --> 00:43:46,707
- and you're welcome.
- [laughter]

904
00:43:46,791 --> 00:43:48,584
Your whole family can thank me.

905
00:43:48,668 --> 00:43:50,670
[laughter]

906
00:43:53,089 --> 00:43:55,925
[scattered cheering and applause]

907
00:43:56,008 --> 00:43:58,052
Response number four:

908
00:43:58,136 --> 00:44:00,555
"Oh, he worked really hard
for a year on his movie

909
00:44:00,638 --> 00:44:03,015
and then it didn't do well.
Of course, he went crazy."

910
00:44:03,099 --> 00:44:05,268
Okay, I wanna talk about that.

911
00:44:05,351 --> 00:44:07,436
First of all, mental illness
is a real illness,

912
00:44:07,520 --> 00:44:09,105
and you should not
denigrate people who have it

913
00:44:09,188 --> 00:44:11,107
by calling them crazy.
That's wrong.

914
00:44:11,190 --> 00:44:13,192
- [cheering and applause]
- Yeah.

915
00:44:17,113 --> 00:44:20,491
But also, you don't have to have
mental illness to go to therapy,

916
00:44:20,575 --> 00:44:23,744
and just 'cause you go to therapy
does not mean you have mental illness.

917
00:44:23,828 --> 00:44:24,829
[audience member] Right.

918
00:44:24,912 --> 00:44:27,665
- Yeah.
- [cheering and applause]

919
00:44:29,375 --> 00:44:31,460
I'm fortunate in that
I don't have mental illness,

920
00:44:31,544 --> 00:44:33,337
but I still benefit from therapy

921
00:44:33,421 --> 00:44:35,423
because I have a bunch
of trash in my head,

922
00:44:35,506 --> 00:44:37,008
and I don't know what to do with it.

923
00:44:37,091 --> 00:44:39,594
I don't know what's what.
I don't know what's trash,

924
00:44:39,677 --> 00:44:42,597
and what's recycling,
and what's composting.

925
00:44:43,598 --> 00:44:46,184
Night thoughts
every fucking night, you know?

926
00:44:46,267 --> 00:44:47,768
I needed someone to go through that

927
00:44:47,852 --> 00:44:50,563
and sift through it,
and label things for me, you know?

928
00:44:50,646 --> 00:44:52,106
That's helpful for me.

929
00:44:52,190 --> 00:44:54,192
This is true, for a long time--
this is completely true.

930
00:44:54,275 --> 00:44:58,738
For a long time, I didn't think
I had any negative feelings.

931
00:44:58,821 --> 00:45:01,824
That's true, I didn't think I had
any negative feelings.

932
00:45:01,908 --> 00:45:04,076
I thought I was happy all the time.

933
00:45:04,160 --> 00:45:07,288
And then every now and then,
I'd get very angry out of nowhere.

934
00:45:07,371 --> 00:45:08,915
[laughter]

935
00:45:08,998 --> 00:45:11,292
Turns out, I did have negative feelings.

936
00:45:11,375 --> 00:45:13,044
[laughter]

937
00:45:13,127 --> 00:45:14,879
I just didn't know it.

938
00:45:14,962 --> 00:45:19,342
And I would take that unprocessed feeling
and point it at the wrong thing.

939
00:45:19,425 --> 00:45:22,678
So, when it came to feelings,
I did not know what I was feeling,

940
00:45:22,762 --> 00:45:25,556
and I did not know what
I was feeling it towards.

941
00:45:25,640 --> 00:45:27,099
I'll give you an example.

942
00:45:27,183 --> 00:45:29,685
A few years ago,
my dad was in a car accident.

943
00:45:29,769 --> 00:45:31,604
He wasn't hurt at all,
he was totally fine.

944
00:45:31,687 --> 00:45:33,731
He's still totally fine, completely fine.

945
00:45:33,814 --> 00:45:36,609
However, it was a very scary
car accident.

946
00:45:36,692 --> 00:45:38,653
His car flipped over twice.

947
00:45:38,736 --> 00:45:41,447
And right after he crawled out
of where the windshield used to be,

948
00:45:41,530 --> 00:45:44,408
the first thing he did
was he called me on the phone

949
00:45:44,492 --> 00:45:47,370
'cause he needed to talk to someone
who would make him feel better.

950
00:45:47,453 --> 00:45:49,956
And I could tell he was okay,
but I could tell he was panicking.

951
00:45:50,039 --> 00:45:52,458
So, I was like, "Dad, you're okay.
You're panicking a little bit.

952
00:45:52,541 --> 00:45:55,461
"But that's very understandable,
given what you went through.

953
00:45:55,544 --> 00:45:57,797
"I know the car is totaled,
but that does not matter.

954
00:45:57,880 --> 00:45:59,382
"What matters is that you're okay.

955
00:45:59,465 --> 00:46:02,635
"So just sit there, breathe,
they're going to come take care of you.

956
00:46:02,718 --> 00:46:06,097
I promise you will be okay.
Dad, I love you very much."

957
00:46:06,180 --> 00:46:09,141
Then I hung up the phone and I was like,
"Wow, I fucking nailed that."

958
00:46:09,225 --> 00:46:11,060
[laughter]

959
00:46:11,143 --> 00:46:13,145
Who's the father now, you know?

960
00:46:15,731 --> 00:46:19,527
And then an hour later, I was like,
"Where is my Ninja Turtles shirt?

961
00:46:19,610 --> 00:46:21,654
"I can't find my Ninja Turtles shirt.

962
00:46:21,737 --> 00:46:25,199
"It fit me perfectly and it had
my favorite Ninja Turtle on it.

963
00:46:25,283 --> 00:46:29,412
"My dad almost died in a car accident
and I can't find my Donatello shirt!

964
00:46:29,495 --> 00:46:32,415
Two equally significant tragedies
are occurring!"

965
00:46:32,498 --> 00:46:35,626
[laughter and applause]

966
00:46:37,336 --> 00:46:40,006
Turns out, it wasn't about
the shirt, you guys.

967
00:46:40,089 --> 00:46:41,424
[laughter]

968
00:46:41,507 --> 00:46:45,511
I was sad for and scared for my dad,
and I didn't know how to express that.

969
00:46:45,594 --> 00:46:48,597
So instead, I got angry
at a shirt I couldn't find.

970
00:46:48,681 --> 00:46:50,224
And I'm gonna generalize here.

971
00:46:50,308 --> 00:46:52,852
I think that's a problem
a lot of us men have.

972
00:46:52,935 --> 00:46:57,273
I think a lot of us men have trouble
admitting when we're feeling sad or scared

973
00:46:57,356 --> 00:46:59,692
because we think
those emotions are weak.

974
00:46:59,775 --> 00:47:03,237
We think the only
manly emotion is anger.

975
00:47:03,321 --> 00:47:06,991
We think anger is strength.
But I think the opposite is true.

976
00:47:07,074 --> 00:47:11,287
I think anger can come from weakness,
and admitting you're sad when you're sad,

977
00:47:11,370 --> 00:47:14,206
and you're scared when you're scared,
that is strength.

978
00:47:14,290 --> 00:47:16,292
[cheering and applause]

979
00:47:18,711 --> 00:47:21,756
That is what it sounds like
when just the women are clapping.

980
00:47:21,839 --> 00:47:24,675
[laughter]

981
00:47:24,759 --> 00:47:27,261
Straight dudes, if you look over
and your lady's clapping

982
00:47:27,345 --> 00:47:30,014
- while looking at you...
- [laughter]

983
00:47:35,644 --> 00:47:37,521
...make that appointment.

984
00:47:37,605 --> 00:47:38,981
[laughter]

985
00:47:39,648 --> 00:47:42,485
And it's not really our fault, you know?
It's the way we were raised.

986
00:47:42,568 --> 00:47:44,779
It's what we were taught
being a man was, you know?

987
00:47:44,862 --> 00:47:46,364
Like all our role models.

988
00:47:46,447 --> 00:47:49,075
Like, there were no Arnold movies
in the '80s

989
00:47:49,158 --> 00:47:51,827
where he defeats
the bad guy through empathy.

990
00:47:51,911 --> 00:47:54,038
[laughter]

991
00:47:54,121 --> 00:47:57,416
Like in <i>Predator,</i> he's not like,
"You may think you're invisible,

992
00:47:57,500 --> 00:47:59,293
but I see you."

993
00:47:59,377 --> 00:48:01,379
[laughter]

994
00:48:03,130 --> 00:48:05,132
[applause]

995
00:48:08,511 --> 00:48:10,971
And I think a lot of the world
is angry right now

996
00:48:11,055 --> 00:48:13,974
'cause we're constantly
vacillating between sadness and fear,

997
00:48:14,058 --> 00:48:16,560
and sadness and fear,
and we don't want to feel that.

998
00:48:16,644 --> 00:48:19,647
So instead, we get angry at someone
who cut us off on the highway,

999
00:48:19,730 --> 00:48:21,941
or a nerd who got buff for a movie.

1000
00:48:22,024 --> 00:48:23,901
[laughter]

1001
00:48:23,984 --> 00:48:25,945
Two equally relatable examples.

1002
00:48:26,028 --> 00:48:27,571
[laughter]

1003
00:48:27,655 --> 00:48:29,740
I mean, we're dealing
with a lot right now

1004
00:48:29,824 --> 00:48:32,284
and we've been through a lot.
We've been through a lot!

1005
00:48:32,368 --> 00:48:35,287
I mean, we had a pandemic
not that long ago.

1006
00:48:35,371 --> 00:48:37,706
We couldn't leave the house
'cause there was a new disease.

1007
00:48:37,790 --> 00:48:41,293
We had to wait for science to catch up,
and we barely talk about it.

1008
00:48:41,377 --> 00:48:42,920
None of us have processed it.

1009
00:48:43,003 --> 00:48:45,089
I don't even know
what processing it would mean,

1010
00:48:45,172 --> 00:48:47,049
but it would mean at least
talking about it.

1011
00:48:47,133 --> 00:48:49,635
We've all decided to ignore it
like a fart in an elevator.

1012
00:48:49,718 --> 00:48:51,053
[laughter]

1013
00:48:51,137 --> 00:48:52,847
Like, what did you guys do in quarantine?

1014
00:48:52,930 --> 00:48:56,475
I watched every movie
ever made in the 1980s

1015
00:48:56,559 --> 00:48:58,352
and washed bananas in the sink.

1016
00:48:58,436 --> 00:49:01,439
I washed bananas
in the sink!

1017
00:49:01,522 --> 00:49:04,525
I washed bananas in the sink!

1018
00:49:04,608 --> 00:49:07,236
That's like the one fruit
you don't have to wash.

1019
00:49:07,319 --> 00:49:09,822
- Nature gave it a wrapper.
- [laughter]

1020
00:49:09,905 --> 00:49:14,160
I would guess I'd washed
200 bananas in the sink in one year.

1021
00:49:14,243 --> 00:49:16,829
I'd washed zero bananas
in the sink in my life,

1022
00:49:16,912 --> 00:49:18,956
200 bananas in the sink in one year,

1023
00:49:19,039 --> 00:49:21,542
back to zero bananas
being washed in the sink.

1024
00:49:21,625 --> 00:49:23,627
[laughter and applause]

1025
00:49:27,923 --> 00:49:30,176
Every now and then,
I'd go outside to get dessert.

1026
00:49:30,259 --> 00:49:32,803
I'd put a mask over my face,
I'd get cheesecake.

1027
00:49:32,887 --> 00:49:35,806
I'd carry it into my house
like I was carrying plutonium.

1028
00:49:35,890 --> 00:49:37,600
I'd stick it in the microwave,

1029
00:49:37,683 --> 00:49:40,478
I'd nuke it for two minutes,
reduce it to sludge,

1030
00:49:40,561 --> 00:49:44,523
eat it bubbling hot out of the bowl,
like the devil's night cereal.

1031
00:49:44,607 --> 00:49:46,400
[laughter]

1032
00:49:50,696 --> 00:49:52,364
It was a weird year.

1033
00:49:52,448 --> 00:49:54,366
[laughter]

1034
00:49:54,450 --> 00:49:56,535
And my lovely wife
is in a high-risk group

1035
00:49:56,619 --> 00:50:00,039
and I was sad for and scared for her
the entire time.

1036
00:50:00,122 --> 00:50:01,874
You know what helped me through that?

1037
00:50:01,957 --> 00:50:04,210
Therapy.
Therapy helped me through that.

1038
00:50:04,293 --> 00:50:07,171
- [cheering and applause]
- It did.

1039
00:50:11,050 --> 00:50:13,677
And I understand I have a lot
of privilege, I do have a great life.

1040
00:50:13,761 --> 00:50:16,305
But now, I-- I'm more in touch
with myself.

1041
00:50:16,388 --> 00:50:18,849
I feel things more.
I still have work to do.

1042
00:50:18,933 --> 00:50:21,101
I still have more work to do,
but, you know,

1043
00:50:21,185 --> 00:50:24,897
I-- I'm more in touch with myself.
I-- I cry more now.

1044
00:50:24,980 --> 00:50:28,108
Like, I cried twice
watching a Godzilla movie.

1045
00:50:28,192 --> 00:50:30,194
- [laughter]
<i>- Godzilla Minus One.</i>

1046
00:50:30,277 --> 00:50:32,112
Have you seen it?
It's so good.

1047
00:50:32,196 --> 00:50:34,448
- [cheering and applause]
- Cried twice.

1048
00:50:34,532 --> 00:50:36,659
And even now--
I watch movies with Emily,

1049
00:50:36,742 --> 00:50:39,495
and even now,
when I start to get teary-eyed,

1050
00:50:39,578 --> 00:50:43,624
my man-ness gets threatened,
and I try and hide my tears from Emily,

1051
00:50:43,707 --> 00:50:46,460
even though watching me cry
brings her so much joy.

1052
00:50:46,544 --> 00:50:48,629
[laughter]

1053
00:50:48,712 --> 00:50:50,339
I'm married to a psychopath.

1054
00:50:50,422 --> 00:50:52,424
[laughter]

1055
00:50:53,717 --> 00:50:55,302
Response number five:

1056
00:50:55,386 --> 00:50:57,680
[laughter]

1057
00:50:57,763 --> 00:50:59,640
"Oh, you think your movie
getting bad reviews

1058
00:50:59,723 --> 00:51:02,059
is a good reason to get therapy?"
Yes.

1059
00:51:02,142 --> 00:51:05,145
My movie getting bad reviews
is a good reason to get therapy.

1060
00:51:05,229 --> 00:51:07,481
You know what else is a good reason
to get therapy?

1061
00:51:07,565 --> 00:51:10,776
Having to get out of bed
in the fucking morning.

1062
00:51:10,859 --> 00:51:12,987
- It's really hard.
- [cheering and applause]

1063
00:51:13,070 --> 00:51:14,697
It's really hard for us right now.

1064
00:51:14,780 --> 00:51:17,032
We were going through a lot.
Climate change.

1065
00:51:17,116 --> 00:51:20,619
I mean, my city was on fire for a month
because of climate change.

1066
00:51:20,703 --> 00:51:24,331
A healthcare system
that prioritizes wealth over health.

1067
00:51:24,415 --> 00:51:27,334
Uh, whatever the fuck is happening
in our politics right now.

1068
00:51:27,418 --> 00:51:28,836
People who live right next to us

1069
00:51:28,919 --> 00:51:31,922
who occupy completely different
versions of reality from us.

1070
00:51:32,006 --> 00:51:33,007
It's a lot.

1071
00:51:33,090 --> 00:51:36,051
And it's invaluable to have a professional
look you in the eye and say,

1072
00:51:36,135 --> 00:51:37,303
"You're feeling this way

1073
00:51:37,386 --> 00:51:39,471
because shit is fucked up right now."

1074
00:51:39,555 --> 00:51:41,515
- [cheering and applause]
- Yeah.

1075
00:51:48,731 --> 00:51:51,817
Because you know what your therapist
is doing after talking to you?

1076
00:51:51,900 --> 00:51:53,736
They're talking to their therapist.

1077
00:51:53,819 --> 00:51:56,113
They're like, "I just told my client
shit is fucked up.

1078
00:51:56,196 --> 00:51:57,823
It's fucked up, right?"
They're like, "Oh yeah,

1079
00:51:57,906 --> 00:51:59,450
it's so fucked up right now."

1080
00:51:59,533 --> 00:52:02,953
And then, they talk to their therapist,
and they talk to their therapist,

1081
00:52:03,037 --> 00:52:06,332
all the way to the end of the line
where there's one giant uber-therapist

1082
00:52:06,415 --> 00:52:10,044
who's taking on everyone's problems
and has nobody to talk to.

1083
00:52:10,127 --> 00:52:12,004
And they're just wandering
into grocery stores

1084
00:52:12,087 --> 00:52:13,839
trying to make eye contact
with people and saying,

1085
00:52:13,922 --> 00:52:16,008
"Tell me I'm going to be okay!"

1086
00:52:16,091 --> 00:52:17,968
- [laughter]
- And you have to look them in the eye

1087
00:52:18,052 --> 00:52:21,430
and say, "Shit is fucked up,
and you're going to be okay."

1088
00:52:22,431 --> 00:52:24,892
- Shit is fucked up.
- [cheering and applause]

1089
00:52:24,975 --> 00:52:26,727
And you're going to be okay.

1090
00:52:28,479 --> 00:52:31,607
That's-- that's what I'm saying
to you right now.

1091
00:52:31,690 --> 00:52:34,943
Shit is fucked up,
and you're going to be okay.

1092
00:52:35,027 --> 00:52:37,029
[cheering and applause]

1093
00:52:38,530 --> 00:52:41,617
Shit is fucked up,
and you're going to be okay.

1094
00:52:41,700 --> 00:52:44,703
- Now, you say it to me.
- [laughter]

1095
00:52:44,787 --> 00:52:47,956
[audience] Shit is fucked up
and you're going to be okay.

1096
00:52:48,040 --> 00:52:50,709
That feels so good.
One more time.

1097
00:52:50,793 --> 00:52:53,962
[audience] Shit is fucked up
and you're going to be okay.

1098
00:52:54,046 --> 00:52:56,882
Thank you so much, Chicago,
you've been absolutely wonderful.

1099
00:52:56,965 --> 00:52:59,510
- Thank you.
- [cheering and applause]

1100
00:53:10,479 --> 00:53:13,482
[cheering and applause continue]

1101
00:53:33,085 --> 00:53:35,254
[audience chanting]
Encore! Encore!

1102
00:53:35,337 --> 00:53:39,007
Encore! Encore!
Encore! Encore!

1103
00:53:39,091 --> 00:53:41,552
- Encore! Encore!
- I don't have an encore bit.

1104
00:53:41,635 --> 00:53:42,678
[laughter]

1105
00:53:42,761 --> 00:53:45,889
I-- I should just sing the entirety
of <i>Hotel California.</i>

1106
00:53:45,973 --> 00:53:49,059
[audience cheering]

1107
00:53:49,143 --> 00:53:50,978
No, that's-- nobody wants that.

1108
00:53:51,061 --> 00:53:53,772
Okay, this is what I'll do, okay?
I'll-- I'll tell you, as my encore,

1109
00:53:53,856 --> 00:53:56,692
the first joke I ever did on stage, okay?

1110
00:53:56,775 --> 00:53:58,402
[cheering and applause]

1111
00:53:58,485 --> 00:54:01,488
But I'm gonna do the whole thing.
I'll do the, you know, like, uh...

1112
00:54:01,572 --> 00:54:03,991
"Thanks so much.
That's my time."

1113
00:54:04,074 --> 00:54:06,660
[laughter]

1114
00:54:06,744 --> 00:54:09,747
[cheering and applause]

1115
00:54:15,753 --> 00:54:17,755
[cheering and applause continue]

1116
00:54:20,966 --> 00:54:25,471
Ever since-- ever since I was a kid,
I've wanted to be a scientist.

1117
00:54:25,554 --> 00:54:27,473
But I wanna be a really successful one.

1118
00:54:27,556 --> 00:54:31,351
Like, I've always wanted to have a unit
of measurement named after myself.

1119
00:54:31,435 --> 00:54:33,979
'Cause all the cool scientists have them:

1120
00:54:34,062 --> 00:54:37,191
Joules. Newton,
Mr. Kilometer.

1121
00:54:37,274 --> 00:54:39,276
[laughter]

1122
00:54:41,695 --> 00:54:43,071
[audience member] Woo!

1123
00:54:43,155 --> 00:54:44,907
He didn't come to America though.

1124
00:54:44,990 --> 00:54:46,992
[laughter]

1125
00:54:49,203 --> 00:54:50,204
[audience member] Woo!

1126
00:54:50,287 --> 00:54:52,623
So, I want a unit of measurement
named after myself.

1127
00:54:52,706 --> 00:54:54,750
But I want something cool, you know?

1128
00:54:54,833 --> 00:54:58,128
Like, "Turn the torpedoes
up to five Nanjianis!"

1129
00:54:58,212 --> 00:55:00,255
- [laughter]
- "Five Nanjianis?

1130
00:55:00,339 --> 00:55:02,132
"That's way too much power!

1131
00:55:03,175 --> 00:55:05,636
Most people can't handle
one Nanjiani."

1132
00:55:05,719 --> 00:55:08,430
[chuckles] Thank you.

1133
00:55:08,514 --> 00:55:11,517
[cheering and applause]

1134
00:55:14,144 --> 00:55:17,147
[♪ "Aaja" by Swet Shop Boys
feat. Ali Sethi playing]

1135
00:55:23,278 --> 00:55:26,156
[cheering and applause continue]

1136
00:55:34,289 --> 00:55:36,542
<i>♪ I push the seats in my car back ♪</i>

1137
00:55:37,000 --> 00:55:39,002
<i>♪ Polish girl check that Slovak ♪</i>

1138
00:55:40,128 --> 00:55:41,755
<i>♪ You're sweet like baklava ♪</i>

1139
00:55:41,838 --> 00:55:43,924
<i>♪ You know I'm hot as Benny Lava ♪</i>

1140
00:55:44,007 --> 00:55:47,553
<i>♪ And if them mandem intervene
then I'll go get the balaclava ♪</i>

1141
00:55:48,929 --> 00:55:50,722
<i>♪ Your mandem can't see me ♪</i>

1142
00:55:50,806 --> 00:55:53,392
<i>♪ Side man, man I'm Mario, Luigi ♪</i>

1143
00:55:53,475 --> 00:55:56,687
<i>♪ That's you on your
fucking green dungarees ♪</i>

1144
00:55:57,354 --> 00:55:59,856
<i>♪ Oh, aaja ♪</i>

1145
00:56:00,232 --> 00:56:02,234
[♪ song continues in Hindi]

1146
00:56:20,544 --> 00:56:22,838
{\an8}<i>♪ Oh, aaja ♪</i>

1147
00:56:24,715 --> 00:56:26,717
[trilling]