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YTS.LT
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Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the stage, Kumail Nanjiani!
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Hi!
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Yeah!
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Hi!
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Yeah!
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Thank you, thank you.
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Thank you.
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How's it going, Chicago?
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Just walking out, as soon as you--
I heard you cheer, almost started crying.
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That's not...
I got overwhelmed, thank you.
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You are so absolutely wonderful.
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It means so much to me
that you're here tonight.
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Uh, I wanna clarify one thing.
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I wanna make sure you all
know that I started off
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as a stand-up comedian
here in Chicago.
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I did.
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I-- I started off doing stand-up
in Chicago.
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Then I did it for many years.
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I stopped for like 10 years,
and now I've started stand-up again.
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It's very important to me
that you understand
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that I'm not like an actor who's like,
"Now, I'm gonna do some stand-up."
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I'd rather you think
I invented COVID, okay?
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Also, do not get weird
about the muscles.
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I know some people get weird about them.
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Don't get weird.
Don't get weird.
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It's like...
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Some people get scared.
Don't be scared.
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These muscles can't hurt you.
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These muscles are decorative.
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These muscles
have never seen combat.
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This is the closest
I've ever been to a fight, okay?
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This was years ago
when I lived in Brooklyn.
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I was driving my wife's car around
at night to try and find a spot.
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I finally found a spot.
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I pulled in, another guy was pulling in,
we started arguing.
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I was like, "Go fuck yourself."
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He got out of the car,
started walking towards me
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and he was like, "What did you say?"
And I was like, "I said...
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I was sorry!"
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That's the closest
I've ever been to a fight.
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Never been in a fight because
I'm super good at apologizing.
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Love being back in Chicago.
A lot of stuff has changed, um...
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Marijuana's legal here now.
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I'm gonna start off controversial.
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I think legalizing marijuana
was a mistake.
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Oh. Okay, hold on.
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That's not the end of the show.
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I have a point to make.
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By the way, does anyone
remember what it was like
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buying marijuana
before it was legal?
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You had to, like,
go to a guy's house.
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You had to, like,
pretend to be friends with a guy.
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You had to, like, watch a little bit
of The Matrix with him.
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You had to pet his iguana.
It was a fucking nightmare.
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And then, what did you do
after buying weed from him?
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- Smoke.
- Yes! Smoke with him!
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W-What? No!
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You have so much,
I have so little.
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Why do I have to give
some of it back to you for free?
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You don't do that at other places.
At a restaurant, to the waiter,
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you're not like,
"Alright, here's a bite of my burger."
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Let me explain what I mean, okay?
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I think marijuana
should be decriminalized.
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I don't think people should go-- yeah.
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I don't think people should go to jail
for marijuana possession.
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People who are in jail for
marijuana possession should be let out.
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I think it's ridiculous.
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I just don't think
it should be, like, 100% legal.
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I feel I should have to
break the law a little bit...
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to feel the way I feel
when I'm high.
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I'll give you an example.
A few weeks ago,
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my wife and I
were in Northern California.
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We're going on a nice date night
to a nice restaurant.
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And I'd taken an edible.
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And, by the way,
now that weed's legal,
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edibles are way better
because there's a number on the box...
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...that tells you the maximum high
you will possibly get.
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Back in the day, it was always
a mysterious adventure.
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Some people were just
trying to prove a point.
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I remember back when I lived here,
there was an old lady
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who'd go to bars and sell weed muffins.
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And I once bought
a weed muffin from her.
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- Woo!
- And I ate it, and she was like,
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"You ate the whole thing?!"
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"You have to go home right now."
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And then I laid awake
in bed for three days
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thinking about every email
I'd sent in the last five years.
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So, much better now.
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We were going on a date,
I'd taken an edible, and I was super high.
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But I knew the number on the box,
so I felt safe.
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So, we go, we sit down outside.
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There's gorgeous mountains
and the sun's in my eyes,
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and I'm just staring at it like...
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I'm so high, I'm just like,
"You're high. I'm high.
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Same word, two meanings."
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The waiter comes up to me, he's like,
"Sir, right now, the sun's in your eyes."
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And I'm like...
"Yeah, no--
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Yeah, no shit."
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He says, "Sir, right now,
the sun's in your eyes,
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"but once it starts to set,
you are going to be treated
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to the most beautiful sunset
in all of California."
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And I looked at this man super high,
and I was like,
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"Well, is the sun going to set
behind the mountains?
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Or in front of the mountains?"
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It should be a little bit illegal.
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I should have to break the law
a little bit to forget how the sun works.
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I was genuinely like, "Well, I've never
been to your restaurant, so...
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"I don't know how
you're doing things here.
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"I don't know if you're setting the sun
behind the mountains
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"or in front of the mountains.
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But if it's in front,
I would like to be reseated."
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I've been going to a lot
of concerts recently.
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I love going to concerts.
I love seeing live music.
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It's one of my favorite things to do.
It feels like magic to me.
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- Like, I can't do that, and I love--
- Woo!
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Yeah, I love going to concerts.
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I'll tell you what I hate,
and it happens at every concert.
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I hate the encore.
I hate the whole fucking thing of it.
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Don't pretend to leave.
Stay out here,
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play all the songs in a row.
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It's late.
I have work in the morning.
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Stay out here,
play all the songs in a row.
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Woo!
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How fragile is your ego
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that you have to make us
extra clap for you...
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...so you'll finish the show
that we've already paid for?
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We've been clapping for you all night.
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What will fill the hole
in your souls, musicians?
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Don't make us play along
with your silly little game.
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They're like, "Alright, show's over.
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We're leaving without playing
our three biggest songs."
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"Oh no!
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"I can't believe the Eagles left
without playing 'Hotel California.'
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"And 'Desperado.'
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And... 'Hotel California.'"
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I don't really know
their music.
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I saw a show recently,
this made me so angry!
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When they pretended
to leave for the encore,
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the guitarist left his phone out there.
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Bring that with you, man!
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At least pretend you're leaving for good.
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You know, if you're gonna do it,
really commit to it.
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Bring up the lights,
open the doors,
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insist the show is over.
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And then, as everyone's leaving,
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come back out
and play three more songs.
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Make everyone cancel their Ubers.
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Chicago, you guys are so wonderful.
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Can I talk about something
that's a little, like,
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emotionally difficult
for me to talk about?
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Are we okay with that?
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I have your permission?
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Yeah?
Okay, great.
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Um, I have a cat.
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I do. Her name is Bagel.
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I call her Everything Bagel
because she is everything to me.
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- I--
- Aw!
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I tell you that story to-- to illustrate
how disgusting my love is for her.
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I love her too much.
She's too important to me.
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I'm scared by how much I love her.
Like, she's my whole heart.
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Sometimes I kiss her face so much,
I put her whole-- whole face in my mouth.
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I wish I could eat her
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and have her still be around, you know?
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Trump was right about immigrants.
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I wish I could eat her,
and then give birth to her,
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because that's what true love is.
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I have so many names for her:
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Bagel, Bages,
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Little Baby Bages.
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And recently, out of nowhere,
Sweet Christian Girl.
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I don't know how it started.
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I didn't even realize I was doing it.
My wife caught me.
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She's like, "Are you calling
our cat 'Sweet Christian Girl'?"
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It makes no sense
because I am not Christian.
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And she's not Christian.
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I mean, she believes
there's something, you know?
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She's "spiritual."
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Fuckin' Hollywood cats.
Obnoxious.
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Bagel, uh, just turned 16.
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Alright, I don't need that.
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Don't love that reaction.
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I understand how time works, okay?
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You can't do that with humans.
"My grandma just turned 90."
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I know, 16 is an advanced age for a cat.
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Her age snuck up on me.
I remember when she was eight,
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when Little Baby Bagel was eight.
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I took her to the vet,
and the vet was like,
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"You know the thing
with geriatric cats is--"
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and I was like,
"What do you mean, 'geriatric'?!
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"It's a little baby, look at her!
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"That's a little baby.
Write down 'baby' on your stupid chart.
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I have a question for you.
Are you an idiot?"
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Pull out a laser pointer.
"Is this the behavior of an adult?"
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"Write down 'baby.'"
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Her age snuck up on me
'cause there aren't, like, milestones
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that mark the passage of time
with cats, you know?
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Like, they don't, like, go to school,
and learn to drive, and get married.
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No. Like, I got Bagel
when she was this little.
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A few months later,
she was this big.
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And since then,
she's looked exactly the same.
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And learned zero new things.
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So, her age
totally snuck up on me.
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Last year, I was in London
working for four months,
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and I brought Bagel with me
'cause I can't live without her.
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And, uh, Little Baby Bagel
started having some health issues.
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- Oh.
- She did.
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And, um, we had to take her
to the vet a whole bunch of times,
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we had to do a bunch of different tests.
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She had to stay
at the hospital overnight.
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- Aw.
- It was horrible, yeah.
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And then, when we finally had
the final meeting with the vet,
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when they'd figured out
what was wrong with Bagel,
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we go in, and this British vet's there,
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and he's got this very
somber look on his face.
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And he's like,
"Your cat has an enlarged heart."
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And I was like,
"Yeah, I know she's got a big heart.
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"Like, when I'm sad,
she can, like, feel it,
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"like we're psychically linked,
and she puts her face right here
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and purrs, and it makes me
feel better, it does."
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And he says, uh,
"No, uh, in cats, a big heart is bad."
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And I was like, "Okay.
Well, then what-sized heart is good?"
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And he said, "A normal-sized heart."
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I knew the meeting wasn't going well,
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'cause the first thing I did
when I got home
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was I googled,
"Are vets even real doctors?"
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They are.
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They have to go to-- they, like,
go to school for it and everything.
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And, like, human doctors have to take care
of the human body.
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00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:38,651
Vets have to take care of
every other kind of body on planet Earth!
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You could bring in an iguana or a peacock,
and they'd have to be like,
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"Alright, let's see what's going on
inside this fucking thing."
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00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:53,082
"I hope it has a heart.
Otherwise, I don't know where to start."
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00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,504
Anyway, so back to the meeting,
this guy's giving us this news,
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and it's not great news.
237
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:02,675
And I don't know what my face did,
238
00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:04,927
but this British guy
got really awkward,
239
00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:07,430
and he started, like, backing up,
240
00:14:07,513 --> 00:14:09,932
and he was, like, looking for something
and he couldn't find it.
241
00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:12,310
And then, finally, he found--
you know that butcher paper
242
00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:14,896
the doctors pull out
that they make you sit on?
243
00:14:14,979 --> 00:14:18,983
Like, it's like that really thin
and really loud piece of paper?
244
00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:21,235
You could-- could kinda see through it.
245
00:14:21,319 --> 00:14:25,698
Like, it's the same material as disposable
toilet seat covers on airplanes.
246
00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:28,242
He rips off a corner of that
and hands it to me.
247
00:14:28,326 --> 00:14:30,661
And I'm like, "Why is he give it--
giving this to me?
248
00:14:30,745 --> 00:14:32,580
Oh, he thinks I'm gonna cry."
249
00:14:32,663 --> 00:14:36,417
And I say to him, "I'm not gonna..."
And before I can finish, just tears.
250
00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:38,002
- Aww.
- Tears down my face, yeah.
251
00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:39,962
Now, I'm trying to use this
to dry my tears.
252
00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:42,090
And it's not absorbent at all.
253
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:46,344
I'm just relocating the tears
around my face.
254
00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:50,890
I have tears on my forehead,
which is a new sensation.
255
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:56,604
And watching me c-- cry,
this British guy got so awkward
256
00:14:56,687 --> 00:14:59,816
'cause he's British
and emotions are not...
257
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:02,693
End of sentence.
258
00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:07,949
So now, this guy gives us
these five pills
259
00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:10,785
and he's like, "Just give 'em
to your cat every day."
260
00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:14,455
And I'm like...
"How do you suggest I do that?
261
00:15:14,539 --> 00:15:20,002
You know how cats are famously compliant
and do whatever you ask them to do?"
262
00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:24,423
And he goes, "Just put it
in her food, she'll eat it."
263
00:15:24,507 --> 00:15:27,927
Which, of course, that doesn't work!
Like, imagine you're at a restaurant
264
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:30,638
and in your spaghetti
there's, like, five Tylenols.
265
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:40,189
You'd be like, "Fuck this restaurant.
I'm leaving.
266
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:42,358
Oh, my back doesn't hurt anymore."
267
00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:51,617
Has anyone here
had to medicate a cat?
268
00:15:51,701 --> 00:15:53,578
It's so hard, right?
269
00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:56,247
If your life is too easy,
medicate a cat.
270
00:15:57,415 --> 00:16:01,502
Actually, the newest Saw movie,
one of the challenges is,
271
00:16:01,586 --> 00:16:03,337
they have to medicate a cat.
272
00:16:04,589 --> 00:16:06,841
Everybody dies.
273
00:16:06,924 --> 00:16:08,801
Except for the cat.
The cat's still alive.
274
00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:12,680
So, the pills-in-the-food plan
doesn't work.
275
00:16:12,763 --> 00:16:15,808
So then, they give us-- the people
who've medicated cats I'm sure know this.
276
00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:17,977
It's like a plastic syringe thing, yep.
277
00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:20,354
But instead of a needle
at the end, there's a hole,
278
00:16:20,438 --> 00:16:22,023
and you put the pill in the hole.
279
00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:24,400
You're supposed to open her mouth
and shoot the pill
280
00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:28,529
into the back of her little baby throat,
which presents a problem.
281
00:16:28,613 --> 00:16:31,782
I cannot get her mouth open.
I don't know how.
282
00:16:31,866 --> 00:16:33,701
I'm so much bigger than her.
283
00:16:35,036 --> 00:16:38,664
I don't know how she's been
exercising her jaw muscles.
284
00:16:38,748 --> 00:16:41,375
I don't know if she's been doing Tae Bo
285
00:16:41,459 --> 00:16:44,128
or a more updated
workout reference.
286
00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:48,674
Woo!
287
00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:51,344
P90X, she's doing.
288
00:16:52,261 --> 00:16:54,889
She's doing Purr 90X--
"Purr" 90X?
289
00:16:56,057 --> 00:16:58,851
She's doing Meow Bo.
Ooh, imagine, a little cat?
290
00:16:59,936 --> 00:17:02,104
My therapist says I retreat into puns
291
00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:03,981
when things get
emotionally challenging.
292
00:17:05,149 --> 00:17:07,235
And I'm feline she was correct.
293
00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:10,029
Alright.
294
00:17:10,112 --> 00:17:12,281
I'll go fuck myself after the show.
295
00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:19,163
So, that doesn't work.
So then, we're in London.
296
00:17:19,247 --> 00:17:21,499
We find this French product.
It's a pill putty.
297
00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:23,960
And you-- it's like a goopy thing
and you put the pill in the middle,
298
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:26,504
and surround it with the goop,
and then they can't taste the pill,
299
00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:28,464
and they eat the whole thing.
300
00:17:28,547 --> 00:17:32,176
And people who don't know,
pill putty looks and feels like Play-Doh
301
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:35,429
and smells like the sewers beneath
Buffalo Wild Wings.
302
00:17:37,932 --> 00:17:39,183
And Bagel loves it!
303
00:17:40,351 --> 00:17:41,894
She can't get enough of it!
304
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,273
And the particular product she likes--
we were in London,
305
00:17:45,356 --> 00:17:48,776
this was a French product--
and the name of the product she loves
306
00:17:48,859 --> 00:17:51,862
was, uh, EasyPill Giver Cat.
307
00:17:54,282 --> 00:17:56,409
They just typed some shit
into Google Translate,
308
00:17:56,492 --> 00:17:59,579
and they were like,
"Let's go with exactly that.
309
00:17:59,662 --> 00:18:03,708
No rewrite required.
AI comes through again."
310
00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:06,711
EasyPill Giver Cat.
311
00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:08,045
Easy pill,
312
00:18:08,129 --> 00:18:09,547
giver cat.
313
00:18:09,630 --> 00:18:12,425
"EasyPill," one word.
EasyPill, which is not a word.
314
00:18:12,508 --> 00:18:13,926
EasyPill Giver Cat.
315
00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:16,971
She's not the giver cat,
she's the given cat.
316
00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:19,932
I have notes.
317
00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:23,477
But Bagel loves this so much,
so when we fly back to our home in LA,
318
00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:27,106
we bring suitcases full
of EasyPill Giver Cat with us.
319
00:18:27,189 --> 00:18:28,941
We give it to her at home in LA
and she's like,
320
00:18:29,025 --> 00:18:31,027
"Oh no, that's my European food.
321
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:35,448
"I don't fuck with that at home.
322
00:18:36,907 --> 00:18:38,075
I'm on a diet."
323
00:18:39,201 --> 00:18:43,372
So, then we take her to her vet in LA,
and he gives us this ointment
324
00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:46,667
that you can rub in her ear
that just does the exact same thing.
325
00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:48,502
"Why didn't you lead with that?!
326
00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:50,421
"Did you invent this last week?
327
00:18:51,547 --> 00:18:53,924
Tell the European vets about it."
328
00:18:54,008 --> 00:18:57,219
So, that's my advice to you.
If you have to medicate a cat,
329
00:18:57,303 --> 00:19:00,097
go right to the ointment
that you can rub in their ear.
330
00:19:00,181 --> 00:19:03,351
But before you do that,
try EasyPill Giver Cat.
331
00:19:03,434 --> 00:19:05,519
I'm selling boxes after the show.
332
00:19:16,405 --> 00:19:18,199
I get night thoughts.
333
00:19:18,282 --> 00:19:19,825
Do you guys get night thoughts?
334
00:19:19,909 --> 00:19:22,119
- Woo!
- Yeah, you know what I'm talking about?
335
00:19:22,203 --> 00:19:23,913
When you're laying in bed
in the middle of the night
336
00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,623
and you can't sleep,
and your brain's like,
337
00:19:25,706 --> 00:19:28,000
"Here's something new
for you to worry about.
338
00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:30,002
"Oh, you hadn't thought of that?
339
00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:33,339
"It's 'cause you're a little bit stupid.
340
00:19:33,422 --> 00:19:35,174
And all your friends know."
341
00:19:36,342 --> 00:19:39,428
Night thoughts are like day thoughts,
except they hate you.
342
00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:43,224
While the sun's out,
I have all the confidence in the world,
343
00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:46,686
but at night comes the hour
of questioning.
344
00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:49,730
Every night,
I have to budget one hour,
345
00:19:49,814 --> 00:19:54,527
every night between 3:00 and 5:00 a.m.,
one hour every night
346
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,487
where the good parts
of my brain are asleep
347
00:19:56,570 --> 00:20:00,032
and the bad parts have come out to play.
348
00:20:00,116 --> 00:20:03,619
So, I'm gonna read to you
my most recent night thoughts.
349
00:20:08,999 --> 00:20:11,669
These are all real,
verbatim, actual thoughts
350
00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:13,587
that have kept me up at night, okay?
351
00:20:14,588 --> 00:20:16,507
"Night Thoughts:
352
00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:18,968
"That email that I sent earlier today,
353
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:21,679
"I said, 'Thanks for reaching out,
good to hear from you.'
354
00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:24,390
"Should I have said
'Great to hear from you'?
355
00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:33,482
"I should email them right now
and clarify.
356
00:20:35,025 --> 00:20:39,363
They'll know I care
because I'm emailing at 4:17 a.m."
357
00:20:41,407 --> 00:20:44,452
"Remember that raccoon that used to come
to your house every day,
358
00:20:44,535 --> 00:20:46,704
"and then one day it stopped coming?
359
00:20:46,787 --> 00:20:49,457
I wonder if I did anything to upset it."
360
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:55,296
"Is Big Bird a chicken?"
361
00:21:01,302 --> 00:21:03,012
Oh, this one's really
keeping me up at night.
362
00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:05,264
Okay, this one's really
fucking my shit up.
363
00:21:05,347 --> 00:21:07,475
This one's really keeping me up at night.
364
00:21:07,558 --> 00:21:09,351
"White people..."
365
00:21:09,435 --> 00:21:10,853
There's more!
366
00:21:16,734 --> 00:21:19,945
You know what? You're totally right.
Just that, too.
367
00:21:20,029 --> 00:21:21,989
Just "White people," period.
368
00:21:22,072 --> 00:21:25,409
Knowing you're out there.
369
00:21:25,493 --> 00:21:27,036
Who can sleep, you know?
370
00:21:29,580 --> 00:21:31,707
Good to see
so many of you here tonight.
371
00:21:36,754 --> 00:21:38,380
See if you can follow this, okay?
372
00:21:38,464 --> 00:21:41,842
This is really keeping me up at night.
Okay, see if you can follow this.
373
00:21:41,926 --> 00:21:45,429
"White people get to have
every different hair
374
00:21:45,513 --> 00:21:48,098
"and eye color
there is possible naturally,
375
00:21:48,182 --> 00:21:51,268
"and every other race
gets the exact same ones.
376
00:22:01,862 --> 00:22:05,783
"White people can have red hair,
and blonde hair, and auburn hair,
377
00:22:05,866 --> 00:22:09,286
"and green eyes, and blue eyes,
and hazel eyes.
378
00:22:09,370 --> 00:22:13,165
And every other race gets
black hair and black eyes."
379
00:22:13,249 --> 00:22:16,377
Across the board!
Every other race.
380
00:22:17,711 --> 00:22:21,090
Asian people, Black people,
my kind of Asian people...
381
00:22:22,424 --> 00:22:24,176
...Hispanic people.
382
00:22:24,260 --> 00:22:27,012
We just get black hair
and black eyes.
383
00:22:27,096 --> 00:22:28,848
What the fuck is that about?
384
00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:33,269
I can't figure it out.
385
00:22:33,352 --> 00:22:36,480
The best I can come up with
is that God loves you more.
386
00:22:36,564 --> 00:22:39,358
But I know that can't be true.
He sees what you're like.
387
00:22:48,492 --> 00:22:51,328
We just get black hair and black eyes.
388
00:22:51,412 --> 00:22:53,539
Also, those aren't just ours.
389
00:22:53,622 --> 00:22:56,792
White people can have black hair
and black eyes, too.
390
00:22:56,876 --> 00:22:58,919
You've colonized that as well.
391
00:23:00,671 --> 00:23:03,340
Whenever I see a white person
with black hair and black eyes,
392
00:23:03,424 --> 00:23:05,342
I'm like, "Get off my lawn!"
393
00:23:11,557 --> 00:23:13,726
"What does CVS stand for?"
394
00:23:25,154 --> 00:23:28,324
So, I have anxiety.
395
00:23:28,407 --> 00:23:31,160
And I was thinking about this,
I think the reason we have anxiety
396
00:23:31,243 --> 00:23:33,996
is 'cause our bodies'
self-preservation mechanisms
397
00:23:34,079 --> 00:23:36,206
are, like, completely outdated.
398
00:23:36,290 --> 00:23:39,460
Our, like, self-preservation mechanisms,
our survival mechanisms
399
00:23:39,543 --> 00:23:41,587
are all fight-or-flight based, right?
400
00:23:41,670 --> 00:23:43,631
'Cause back in the day,
you see a leopard,
401
00:23:43,714 --> 00:23:46,008
your body gets you ready
for intense physical activity
402
00:23:46,091 --> 00:23:49,094
so you can, like, fight it
or run the fuck away from it.
403
00:23:49,178 --> 00:23:52,348
And now, for the most part,
we don't have those problems,
404
00:23:52,431 --> 00:23:55,059
but our body's presenting
the same solutions.
405
00:23:55,142 --> 00:23:57,019
It's just fight or flight.
406
00:23:57,102 --> 00:23:59,021
So, I'll be laying in bed
in the middle of the night,
407
00:23:59,104 --> 00:24:02,483
not able to sleep, like,
"At the party earlier today,
408
00:24:02,566 --> 00:24:06,070
"when I told Greta that I thought
all kids were stupid,
409
00:24:06,153 --> 00:24:09,281
I hope she didn't think I meant
just, like, her kid was stupid."
410
00:24:09,365 --> 00:24:10,908
And my brain's like,
411
00:24:10,991 --> 00:24:14,036
"You're being attacked
by a lion right now!
412
00:24:14,119 --> 00:24:17,331
"I've made your heart beat super fast
and you're breathing super shallow.
413
00:24:17,414 --> 00:24:20,501
So, go find a tree to climb.
Go, go, go!"
414
00:24:21,877 --> 00:24:26,256
And I'm just laying in bed
vibrating like, "Whoa!
415
00:24:26,340 --> 00:24:27,883
"I should go to her Instagram
416
00:24:27,967 --> 00:24:30,678
and just fave pictures
that feature her child."
417
00:24:33,389 --> 00:24:36,433
My body's like, "I've made you
start sweating so you don't overheat."
418
00:24:36,517 --> 00:24:39,186
And I'm like, I just wanna go to sleep!
419
00:24:39,269 --> 00:24:40,938
It's like, "Oh, you're sleeping?
Don't worry.
420
00:24:41,021 --> 00:24:43,107
"All that energy will be funneled
into making sure
421
00:24:43,190 --> 00:24:45,985
"you grind your teeth all night.
422
00:24:46,068 --> 00:24:47,403
"Is that helpful?
423
00:24:48,654 --> 00:24:51,115
"Will a visit to a condescending,
judgmental dentist
424
00:24:51,198 --> 00:24:53,242
be the solution you're looking for?"
425
00:24:55,828 --> 00:24:58,414
There's such a chasm
between the problems we have
426
00:24:58,497 --> 00:25:00,916
and the solutions our bodies present.
427
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:03,627
Like, you're like, "I have a--
I have a new job starting tomorrow.
428
00:25:03,711 --> 00:25:05,462
"I hope my coworkers like me.
429
00:25:05,546 --> 00:25:07,923
I hope they don't realize
that I'm full of shit."
430
00:25:08,007 --> 00:25:11,510
And your body's like, "I got it.
I'll make sure you don't poop for a week."
431
00:25:18,267 --> 00:25:20,269
That's not helpful.
432
00:25:28,527 --> 00:25:30,821
My wife and I, we, um,
433
00:25:30,904 --> 00:25:33,949
we, uh, we live in LA,
we have a house in LA.
434
00:25:34,033 --> 00:25:36,160
And the house has a pool.
435
00:25:36,243 --> 00:25:38,829
If I did not have to mention
that fact for this story,
436
00:25:38,912 --> 00:25:41,248
I would have left it out.
437
00:25:41,331 --> 00:25:43,709
I'm trying to be relatable
up here, Chicago.
438
00:25:43,792 --> 00:25:46,045
I don't know what to tell you.
439
00:25:46,128 --> 00:25:47,963
Shit's hard, life's unfair.
440
00:25:49,173 --> 00:25:52,468
I have a pool.
441
00:25:52,551 --> 00:25:54,303
It's a modest pool.
442
00:25:54,386 --> 00:25:57,014
It's huge,
it's just not sure about itself.
443
00:26:01,310 --> 00:26:03,228
So, we were having work done
to the house,
444
00:26:03,312 --> 00:26:04,938
and while we were having
work done to the house,
445
00:26:05,022 --> 00:26:07,316
my wife and I were crashing
at a friend's place.
446
00:26:07,399 --> 00:26:10,069
One day, we go to check on
the work that's being done to the house,
447
00:26:10,152 --> 00:26:14,073
and around our pool
we find an empty bag of chips
448
00:26:14,156 --> 00:26:17,534
and an empty pair of pants.
449
00:26:17,618 --> 00:26:19,912
And my lovely wife
freaks out a little bit.
450
00:26:19,995 --> 00:26:22,164
She's like, "What's going on?
We have to find out what's going on.
451
00:26:22,247 --> 00:26:24,208
"I don't know what to do.
What do we do? What do we do?
452
00:26:24,291 --> 00:26:25,876
We should install cameras."
453
00:26:25,959 --> 00:26:28,754
So, I'm like, "Okay, let's do that, honey.
We'll install cameras."
454
00:26:28,837 --> 00:26:30,422
So, we install cameras.
455
00:26:30,506 --> 00:26:33,926
A few days later, we're at the place
we're crashing at and bing,
456
00:26:34,009 --> 00:26:35,677
there's an alert on my phone.
457
00:26:35,761 --> 00:26:38,055
I turn it on.
There's a live feed
458
00:26:38,138 --> 00:26:40,641
from the cameras at my house
to my phone.
459
00:26:40,724 --> 00:26:43,143
And I can see, in real time...
460
00:26:44,228 --> 00:26:46,772
a young man and a young woman,
like a young couple.
461
00:26:46,855 --> 00:26:51,068
I see them climbing over my gate
and walking through my backyard.
462
00:26:51,151 --> 00:26:54,279
I'm just seeing this happen.
They don't even have the decency
463
00:26:54,363 --> 00:26:57,282
to do like a sneaky robber walk,
you know?
464
00:26:57,366 --> 00:26:59,785
They're being
totally nonchalant about it.
465
00:26:59,868 --> 00:27:01,703
They're not being "chalant" at all.
466
00:27:06,500 --> 00:27:09,211
They go to my backyard,
they open their picnic basket.
467
00:27:09,294 --> 00:27:11,922
They brought a picnic basket!
468
00:27:12,005 --> 00:27:15,425
And they pull out bread,
and cheese, and a bread knife.
469
00:27:15,509 --> 00:27:17,636
They brought a bread knife!
470
00:27:17,719 --> 00:27:19,930
They're not even in my pool,
they're teasing my pool.
471
00:27:20,013 --> 00:27:22,266
They're foreplaying my pool.
472
00:27:22,349 --> 00:27:25,727
They're just sitting there eating bread
and cheese and laughing.
473
00:27:25,811 --> 00:27:28,647
They're laughing.
And I'm watching this right here,
474
00:27:28,730 --> 00:27:30,232
and Emily's watching it right here.
475
00:27:30,315 --> 00:27:31,817
And I'm like,
"What are they laughing about?"
476
00:27:31,900 --> 00:27:34,319
Like, "Ah, we're so good at petty crimes."
477
00:27:34,403 --> 00:27:36,488
And Emily goes,
478
00:27:36,572 --> 00:27:39,825
"Well, uh, you know, there is a microphone
on the camera."
479
00:27:39,908 --> 00:27:43,120
- Ooh!
- Ooh, yeah!
480
00:27:43,203 --> 00:27:45,414
So, I'm like, "Alright, let's party."
481
00:27:45,497 --> 00:27:48,792
So, we turn on the microphone
and now we can hear, in real time,
482
00:27:48,876 --> 00:27:50,836
their entire conversation.
483
00:27:50,919 --> 00:27:53,755
And they're having, like,
a total third date conversation.
484
00:27:53,839 --> 00:27:55,090
You know what I mean?
485
00:27:55,173 --> 00:27:57,509
Where she's like, "My parents
divorced when I was a kid."
486
00:27:57,593 --> 00:28:00,012
And he's like, "Mine too.
We should have sex for the first time."
487
00:28:00,095 --> 00:28:03,140
Like, that's the vibe, you know?
488
00:28:03,223 --> 00:28:06,393
Anyway, I'm watching it right here,
and Emily's watching it right here.
489
00:28:06,476 --> 00:28:10,314
And Emily goes, uh,
"We should drive over there right now."
490
00:28:10,397 --> 00:28:12,649
And I'm like, "I don't want
to drive over there, honey.
491
00:28:12,733 --> 00:28:15,736
They have a knife."
492
00:28:15,819 --> 00:28:18,488
And Emily says,
"We can bring a knife."
493
00:28:23,702 --> 00:28:27,289
"Yeah, I don't want to get
into a knife fight today, my love.
494
00:28:28,749 --> 00:28:30,459
"What happens if I lose?
495
00:28:32,044 --> 00:28:35,213
"Actually, Emily, what happens
if I win the knife fight?
496
00:28:36,965 --> 00:28:39,009
"Do I just murder them?
497
00:28:40,594 --> 00:28:42,512
Is that what you want, my love?"
498
00:28:43,513 --> 00:28:47,059
"You were swimming in my pool."
Stab, stab, stab.
499
00:28:47,142 --> 00:28:51,063
"Honey, as per your instructions,
I have killed the trespassing picnickers.
500
00:28:52,314 --> 00:28:53,815
"That's their corpses.
501
00:28:54,942 --> 00:28:57,402
"Do you have the instruction manual
for the new camera system?
502
00:28:57,486 --> 00:28:59,363
'Cause we gotta delete some footage."
503
00:28:59,446 --> 00:29:01,740
Shit looks premeditated.
504
00:29:01,823 --> 00:29:03,825
I walk in with a knife.
505
00:29:10,457 --> 00:29:13,043
So, we decide we're not gonna do that,
okay, so we're just discussing.
506
00:29:13,126 --> 00:29:15,879
We're just talking about,
should we call the police?
507
00:29:15,963 --> 00:29:19,007
We're really discussing it, like,
we're having a real conversation about it.
508
00:29:19,091 --> 00:29:20,801
Like, where I'm like,
"Well, you know, honey,
509
00:29:20,884 --> 00:29:23,011
"we don't want them swimming in our pool,
510
00:29:23,095 --> 00:29:25,806
"but we also don't want them
to get arrested over this.
511
00:29:25,889 --> 00:29:28,642
"Like, it is technically
breaking and entering.
512
00:29:28,725 --> 00:29:31,103
"But you know, Emily,
once your name's in the system,
513
00:29:31,186 --> 00:29:32,729
"you can't get jobs.
514
00:29:32,813 --> 00:29:35,440
It's a very difficult hole
to climb out of, my love."
515
00:29:35,524 --> 00:29:38,193
We're really talking about this, I'm like,
"You know the criminal justice system
516
00:29:38,276 --> 00:29:42,114
"of this country,
it is not interested in rehabilitation.
517
00:29:42,197 --> 00:29:45,367
"No, the criminal justice system
of America
518
00:29:45,450 --> 00:29:47,244
"creates career criminals.
519
00:29:47,327 --> 00:29:49,287
I was watching
this documentary about it."
520
00:29:50,455 --> 00:29:52,666
And I've noticed that
while we've been talking,
521
00:29:52,749 --> 00:29:54,751
both of them have stopped talking
522
00:29:54,835 --> 00:29:57,254
and are staring at us
through the phone.
523
00:30:03,427 --> 00:30:06,388
'Cause when you turn on the microphone,
it goes both ways.
524
00:30:09,599 --> 00:30:11,727
They've heard this entire conversation.
525
00:30:12,978 --> 00:30:15,480
They've heard us being like,
"We can bring a knife."
526
00:30:20,569 --> 00:30:22,529
Now, we're staring at them,
they're staring at us,
527
00:30:22,612 --> 00:30:24,698
like two raccoons
caught in the trash.
528
00:30:28,326 --> 00:30:31,455
Bright green, glowing, night vision eyes.
529
00:30:31,538 --> 00:30:35,125
And then after the longest silence
of my life-- I swear this is true!
530
00:30:35,208 --> 00:30:38,045
After the longest silence of my life,
my wife goes...
531
00:30:38,128 --> 00:30:39,921
"The police have been called."
532
00:30:48,180 --> 00:30:50,390
I'm like, "Emily, are you doing
like a robot voice?"
533
00:30:51,683 --> 00:30:53,643
She's like, "It sounds more official."
534
00:30:54,895 --> 00:30:57,689
They can hear this part, too.
535
00:30:59,066 --> 00:31:01,485
"The police have been called.
536
00:31:01,568 --> 00:31:05,113
The police have been called."
She's just saying it over and over.
537
00:31:05,197 --> 00:31:07,532
She's stuck, she doesn't know
how to get out of it.
538
00:31:07,616 --> 00:31:09,701
She's looking to me for help
and I'm like,
539
00:31:09,785 --> 00:31:12,204
I can't leave her hanging,
so I panic, and I'm like,
540
00:31:12,287 --> 00:31:14,998
"Yes, you are correct.
The police are on their way.
541
00:31:18,335 --> 00:31:20,587
"They just got in the police car.
542
00:31:21,671 --> 00:31:23,799
"I am the police car robot.
543
00:31:25,050 --> 00:31:28,887
"It's a new program
they're trying in Los Angeles County.
544
00:31:30,222 --> 00:31:32,849
Turn left on La Cienega."
545
00:31:34,768 --> 00:31:36,770
They left.
546
00:31:36,853 --> 00:31:39,815
'Cause they'd heard two cyborgs
arguing the ins and outs
547
00:31:39,898 --> 00:31:41,858
of the prison industrial complex.
548
00:31:42,818 --> 00:31:45,362
Decided instead to go have sex
for the first time.
549
00:31:56,206 --> 00:31:58,792
As they were leaving,
I got back on the microphone
550
00:31:58,875 --> 00:32:00,669
and-- and I was like,
"On your way out,
551
00:32:00,752 --> 00:32:03,630
please grab one box
of EasyPill Giver Cat."
552
00:32:11,012 --> 00:32:13,014
I am an immigrant.
553
00:32:13,098 --> 00:32:14,432
I am.
554
00:32:14,516 --> 00:32:16,143
Are there any other immigrants here?
555
00:32:16,226 --> 00:32:18,019
Immigrants? Yes?
556
00:32:19,020 --> 00:32:20,605
Yeah. Where are you from?
557
00:32:20,689 --> 00:32:22,232
- India.
- India.
558
00:32:22,315 --> 00:32:25,110
Yay!
559
00:32:25,193 --> 00:32:27,779
I think there's some other ones here.
560
00:32:27,863 --> 00:32:31,324
I'm from Pakistan.
561
00:32:31,408 --> 00:32:33,160
It used to be called India.
562
00:32:35,287 --> 00:32:36,788
How long have you been here?
563
00:32:37,247 --> 00:32:40,584
- Forty-eight years.
- Forty-eight years. Wow.
564
00:32:40,667 --> 00:32:42,919
Anybody else?
Any other?
565
00:32:43,003 --> 00:32:44,713
R-- Yes, hi.
Where are you from?
566
00:32:44,796 --> 00:32:46,256
Uh, former USSR.
567
00:32:46,339 --> 00:32:49,885
Former USSR.
Uh, what's it called today?
568
00:32:52,888 --> 00:32:54,890
You've told me where you're not from.
569
00:32:57,642 --> 00:32:58,852
- Where?
- Russia.
570
00:32:58,935 --> 00:33:03,273
Russia. Are you--
W-Why didn't you just say Russia?
571
00:33:04,357 --> 00:33:06,276
Why? Has it been in the news recently?
572
00:33:10,697 --> 00:33:12,282
What did happen to Russia?
573
00:33:12,365 --> 00:33:15,994
I feel like we used
to hear about them a lot.
574
00:33:16,077 --> 00:33:17,537
It's been silence for a while.
575
00:33:17,621 --> 00:33:19,789
How long have you--
how long have you been here?
576
00:33:19,873 --> 00:33:22,083
- Forty-nine years.
- Forty-nine years.
577
00:33:22,167 --> 00:33:24,628
So, how old were you
when you came here?
578
00:33:24,711 --> 00:33:26,046
- Seven.
- Seven.
579
00:33:26,129 --> 00:33:27,964
Are there any real immigrants here?
580
00:33:30,675 --> 00:33:32,636
I'm just being serious.
581
00:33:37,891 --> 00:33:39,809
Anybody else?
Is there any other immigrant?
582
00:33:39,893 --> 00:33:41,394
Okay, what you can't do
583
00:33:41,478 --> 00:33:43,021
is point at someone else.
584
00:33:49,402 --> 00:33:51,696
You can't be like,
"Immigrant right over here."
585
00:33:56,868 --> 00:33:59,204
You can't do that
for the next four years.
586
00:34:09,756 --> 00:34:12,842
So, we know this, I think--
you know, people who were born here
587
00:34:12,926 --> 00:34:15,971
think the borders are wide open,
anybody can just waltz in.
588
00:34:16,054 --> 00:34:18,265
But people like us
who had to move here
589
00:34:18,348 --> 00:34:20,600
understand that, like, nothing could be
further from the truth.
590
00:34:20,684 --> 00:34:22,978
It's very hard to move to America.
591
00:34:23,061 --> 00:34:25,814
It took me 14 years
to get my green card.
592
00:34:25,897 --> 00:34:30,068
It cost me over $10,000.
Lawyer fees, application fees.
593
00:34:30,151 --> 00:34:33,738
And if people don't know this,
that entire process
594
00:34:33,822 --> 00:34:35,532
comes down to one interview.
595
00:34:35,615 --> 00:34:38,159
And on that day in that room,
there's one person,
596
00:34:38,243 --> 00:34:40,870
and it's-- on that day,
it's completely up to that person.
597
00:34:40,954 --> 00:34:43,707
They can say yes,
and you can stay.
598
00:34:43,790 --> 00:34:47,711
Or they say no,
and you're on a boat to Pakistan.
599
00:34:47,794 --> 00:34:50,422
That's only if you're from Pakistan.
That's not the standard.
600
00:34:50,505 --> 00:34:53,174
"But I'm from Canada."
601
00:34:53,258 --> 00:34:55,343
"Fuck you. Boat to Pakistan."
602
00:34:57,262 --> 00:34:58,471
"Oh, no!
603
00:34:59,681 --> 00:35:01,433
The stakes are so high."
604
00:35:07,105 --> 00:35:10,275
So, I go in to talk to this woman,
and, uh, she's sitting at her desk,
605
00:35:10,358 --> 00:35:12,736
and I cannot believe
she was allowed to have this.
606
00:35:12,819 --> 00:35:15,864
This is completely true.
Right behind her desk, on the wall,
607
00:35:15,947 --> 00:35:17,949
she had a big Jesus calendar.
608
00:35:18,992 --> 00:35:21,286
But like a Jesus of the month calendar...
609
00:35:22,537 --> 00:35:25,790
...with Jesus performing, like, different
activities every month, you know?
610
00:35:25,874 --> 00:35:27,792
Like Jesus fishing,
611
00:35:27,876 --> 00:35:31,171
Jesus dunking on LeBron.
612
00:35:31,254 --> 00:35:34,174
My month was Jesus
driving a boat to Pakistan.
613
00:35:36,384 --> 00:35:38,470
So, I sit down,
and she's gonna interview me,
614
00:35:38,553 --> 00:35:41,222
and I'm very intimidated,
and she wants to be intimidating.
615
00:35:41,306 --> 00:35:43,183
She's, like, got her glasses
down to here.
616
00:35:43,266 --> 00:35:46,019
She's leaning in,
she's trying to poke holes in my story.
617
00:35:46,102 --> 00:35:48,104
She's trying to catch me in a lie.
618
00:35:48,188 --> 00:35:50,398
Then, about halfway through,
just to see what would happen,
619
00:35:50,482 --> 00:35:52,067
about halfway through, I go,
620
00:35:52,150 --> 00:35:54,944
"Well, I don't consider myself
Muslim anymore."
621
00:35:55,028 --> 00:35:56,780
And she immediately switches.
622
00:35:56,863 --> 00:35:58,907
Way nicer after that.
623
00:35:58,990 --> 00:36:01,826
Like, genuinely, her shoulders relax.
She's like, "Oh, thank God."
624
00:36:01,910 --> 00:36:04,746
Her glasses are off, she's leaning back.
625
00:36:04,829 --> 00:36:07,457
Now, she's laughing
at jokes I'm making.
626
00:36:07,540 --> 00:36:10,794
And then, she asks me, she's like,
"So, how do your parents
627
00:36:10,877 --> 00:36:14,589
feel about the fact that you
will raise your kids Christian?"
628
00:36:14,673 --> 00:36:18,468
Yeah, which I never said anything about.
629
00:36:18,551 --> 00:36:20,637
She just assumed,
"If he doesn't like vanilla,
630
00:36:20,720 --> 00:36:23,223
he must like chocolate."
631
00:36:23,306 --> 00:36:24,557
So, I looked at her and I was like,
632
00:36:24,641 --> 00:36:26,559
"Ma'am, they're not
gonna be happy about it,
633
00:36:26,643 --> 00:36:28,395
"but I just love Jesus so much.
634
00:36:33,441 --> 00:36:35,443
Where did you get that calendar?"
635
00:36:36,986 --> 00:36:38,113
Approved!
636
00:36:46,037 --> 00:36:50,750
Um, I am so genuinely excited
to be back in this gorgeous theater.
637
00:36:50,834 --> 00:36:53,294
It's so beautiful.
638
00:36:59,592 --> 00:37:02,971
This...
This is where I started stand-up.
639
00:37:03,054 --> 00:37:06,266
This is where I met my lovely wife.
Oh, my God.
640
00:37:06,349 --> 00:37:08,351
So, I'm just very...
641
00:37:08,435 --> 00:37:10,186
...very happy to be back here.
642
00:37:10,270 --> 00:37:13,606
The last time I did this venue
was in 2000 and...
643
00:37:13,690 --> 00:37:14,733
And, uh,
644
00:37:14,816 --> 00:37:17,026
I opened for Zach Galifianakis here.
645
00:37:17,110 --> 00:37:19,738
And I remember doing that show
646
00:37:19,821 --> 00:37:21,823
and being like,
"Someday I'll headline this place."
647
00:37:21,906 --> 00:37:24,993
And today,
I get to shoot my special here.
648
00:37:25,076 --> 00:37:26,911
Yeah.
649
00:37:32,959 --> 00:37:35,420
So, thank you for coming.
650
00:37:36,713 --> 00:37:39,299
No, you've been so wonderful.
It's been truly so wonderful to come back.
651
00:37:39,382 --> 00:37:41,217
Can I talk about another thing
652
00:37:41,301 --> 00:37:43,928
that's like emotionally vulnerable
for me to talk about?
653
00:37:44,012 --> 00:37:46,931
Are we okay with that? Yes?
654
00:37:48,016 --> 00:37:49,017
Okay, thank you.
655
00:37:49,100 --> 00:37:51,144
So, this is--
this is emotionally vulnerable.
656
00:37:51,227 --> 00:37:54,314
This is difficult for me to talk about.
Um, this is true.
657
00:37:54,397 --> 00:37:57,317
A few months ago,
I did a friend's podcast.
658
00:37:57,400 --> 00:38:00,570
And on the podcast,
I mentioned that I was in a movie.
659
00:38:00,653 --> 00:38:03,573
When it came out,
its reviews were so bad
660
00:38:03,656 --> 00:38:07,869
and hurt my feelings so deeply
that I started seeing a therapist.
661
00:38:07,952 --> 00:38:11,915
And, uh, for some reason,
that little part of the podcast
662
00:38:11,998 --> 00:38:16,044
got picked up
by every major newspaper in America.
663
00:38:16,127 --> 00:38:19,422
Like, truly, like Chicago Tribune,
uh, Sun Times,
664
00:38:19,506 --> 00:38:21,591
New York Times, uh, Rolling Stone.
665
00:38:21,674 --> 00:38:25,553
Everybody picked it up,
and they all had the exact same headline.
666
00:38:25,637 --> 00:38:27,722
You can look this up,
the headline was,
667
00:38:27,806 --> 00:38:31,392
"Bad Reviews
Land Kumail Nanjiani In Therapy."
668
00:38:33,520 --> 00:38:36,064
Which, they did not land me
in therapy.
669
00:38:36,147 --> 00:38:37,899
People land in jail.
670
00:38:39,484 --> 00:38:41,611
I did not get sentenced to therapy.
671
00:38:42,779 --> 00:38:46,366
A judge wasn't like,
"47% on Rotten Tomatoes?
672
00:38:48,368 --> 00:38:50,411
"You need to talk to a professional.
673
00:38:50,495 --> 00:38:53,414
"You call that a third act?
674
00:38:56,125 --> 00:38:58,127
Too many characters."
675
00:39:05,969 --> 00:39:10,306
Not great that obviously so many people
know exactly what movie I'm talking about.
676
00:39:10,390 --> 00:39:12,100
Not great.
677
00:39:14,102 --> 00:39:17,355
I didn't land in therapy.
I chose to go to therapy
678
00:39:17,438 --> 00:39:20,024
because I realized
that too much of my self-esteem
679
00:39:20,108 --> 00:39:22,694
was tied up in what people
thought about my work.
680
00:39:22,777 --> 00:39:25,363
Like, if I made something good
that people liked, I was a good person.
681
00:39:25,446 --> 00:39:28,324
If I made something bad that people
didn't like, I was a bad person.
682
00:39:28,408 --> 00:39:30,910
And I realized that
that was untenable.
683
00:39:30,994 --> 00:39:34,163
I had to figure out how to have
my self-worth come from inside me
684
00:39:34,247 --> 00:39:37,166
and not be based on
other people's opinions of my work.
685
00:39:37,250 --> 00:39:39,168
That's why I went to therapy.
686
00:39:46,259 --> 00:39:48,219
That was not America's reaction.
687
00:39:49,429 --> 00:39:51,472
What followed instead, was two weeks
688
00:39:51,556 --> 00:39:54,684
of everyone on social media
calling me a baby.
689
00:39:54,767 --> 00:39:56,311
No, no, no.
690
00:39:56,394 --> 00:39:59,606
In their defense, they're totally right.
I'm a big baby.
691
00:39:59,689 --> 00:40:02,358
My feelings get hurt
constantly and deeply,
692
00:40:02,442 --> 00:40:03,860
which is why I went to therapy,
693
00:40:03,943 --> 00:40:06,154
so it wouldn't ruin
my fucking life anymore.
694
00:40:08,364 --> 00:40:11,618
And there were thousands of responses
on social media for two weeks,
695
00:40:11,701 --> 00:40:15,371
people that were very angry at me
for talking about going to therapy.
696
00:40:15,455 --> 00:40:17,332
And there were thousands of responses,
but really,
697
00:40:17,415 --> 00:40:20,585
there were five different responses
thousands of times.
698
00:40:20,668 --> 00:40:24,339
'Cause everyone in social media thinks
they're so clever and original,
699
00:40:24,422 --> 00:40:28,217
but they're just repeating shit that
thousands of people have already said.
700
00:40:28,301 --> 00:40:32,096
So, really,
there were, uh, five different responses,
701
00:40:32,180 --> 00:40:34,599
thousands of times,
five different responses.
702
00:40:34,682 --> 00:40:37,101
And we're gonna go over
each of those responses...
703
00:40:41,856 --> 00:40:43,608
...and talk about them, okay?
704
00:40:45,151 --> 00:40:46,986
Response number one:
705
00:40:47,070 --> 00:40:49,113
"Oh, your big Hollywood movie
didn't do well.
706
00:40:49,197 --> 00:40:51,282
Are we supposed to feel sorry for you?"
707
00:40:51,366 --> 00:40:54,452
No, I don't want you
to feel sorry for me. I don't!
708
00:40:54,535 --> 00:40:56,412
But I get to feel sorry for me.
709
00:40:56,496 --> 00:40:58,748
This is my life.
I'm inside of here.
710
00:40:58,831 --> 00:41:00,583
I worked really hard
for a year on something
711
00:41:00,667 --> 00:41:02,210
that I thought was gonna be awesome.
712
00:41:02,293 --> 00:41:04,796
And when it came out,
everyone was like, "No, it sucks.
713
00:41:04,879 --> 00:41:07,298
"Also, we think you're stupid!
714
00:41:07,382 --> 00:41:09,550
"Also, we've decided you're gonna be
the first person
715
00:41:09,634 --> 00:41:11,427
we mock for getting in shape."
716
00:41:11,511 --> 00:41:13,888
What?!
How the fuck did that happen?!
717
00:41:13,972 --> 00:41:17,058
That's happened to nobody else
in the history of civilization.
718
00:41:17,141 --> 00:41:19,811
Why me?!
719
00:41:19,894 --> 00:41:21,562
"Oh, he got abs?
What a moron."
720
00:41:21,646 --> 00:41:22,647
What?!
721
00:41:23,773 --> 00:41:25,650
Who changed the rules?
722
00:41:25,733 --> 00:41:27,694
Why didn't anybody
give me a heads up?
723
00:41:27,777 --> 00:41:30,279
Do you know how hard this was?
724
00:41:30,363 --> 00:41:32,532
I have not smelled cake in years!
725
00:41:33,533 --> 00:41:37,120
And now, I know all of you are waiting
for me to go back to how I was.
726
00:41:37,203 --> 00:41:40,331
Oh, it'd make you so happy
if I go back to how I was.
727
00:41:40,415 --> 00:41:42,208
So now, I'm stuck in this prison,
728
00:41:42,291 --> 00:41:44,252
'cause I don't want to give you
the satisfaction.
729
00:41:52,176 --> 00:41:54,095
There's no reason
for me to be buff anymore,
730
00:41:54,178 --> 00:41:55,972
but I am, because fuck you.
731
00:42:00,601 --> 00:42:03,646
I'll be doing push-ups on my deathbed,
because fuck you.
732
00:42:04,814 --> 00:42:06,691
When I look at cake
and wanna eat it,
733
00:42:06,774 --> 00:42:09,152
I think of how happy
it'll make you if I eat it,
734
00:42:09,235 --> 00:42:11,571
and that gives me
the strength to not eat it.
735
00:42:14,615 --> 00:42:16,367
Response number two...
736
00:42:16,451 --> 00:42:18,327
Woo!
737
00:42:18,411 --> 00:42:21,664
"Oh, you got paid for a movie
that didn't do well? Boo-hoo."
738
00:42:22,832 --> 00:42:24,751
It is true. I did get paid for it.
739
00:42:25,918 --> 00:42:29,255
But that doesn't mean that I don't get
to be sad when it didn't do well.
740
00:42:29,338 --> 00:42:31,799
And the implication there
is that because my life is great--
741
00:42:31,883 --> 00:42:33,885
and it's true, I have a great life.
742
00:42:33,968 --> 00:42:36,679
I really do,
and I'm very, very grateful for it.
743
00:42:36,763 --> 00:42:38,431
Like, I can't believe I get to be up here,
744
00:42:38,514 --> 00:42:42,143
talking to you amazing people
for a living.
745
00:42:42,226 --> 00:42:44,812
I'm genuinely very thankful for it.
746
00:42:44,896 --> 00:42:47,315
I understand I'm very, very fortunate.
747
00:42:47,398 --> 00:42:49,150
Very thankful for it.
748
00:42:49,233 --> 00:42:50,985
However...
749
00:42:51,069 --> 00:42:54,072
...that does not mean that bad shit
does not happen to me.
750
00:42:54,155 --> 00:42:56,491
I have disappointments, I have fears.
751
00:42:56,574 --> 00:42:59,035
- My baby cat gets sick.
- Aw!
752
00:42:59,118 --> 00:43:01,662
Sometimes my abs get stuck in my belt.
753
00:43:10,630 --> 00:43:13,341
You don't know what that's like,
you deep-dish motherfuckers.
754
00:43:21,390 --> 00:43:23,726
People swim in my pool
without my permission.
755
00:43:24,894 --> 00:43:28,231
Just trying to see where the line is.
756
00:43:28,314 --> 00:43:29,774
Response number three:
757
00:43:29,857 --> 00:43:32,068
"Watching your movie
made me wanna get therapy."
758
00:43:32,151 --> 00:43:34,278
Oh, that's good.
That's clever.
759
00:43:34,362 --> 00:43:35,988
Give yourself a cookie,
I'm not gonna eat it,
760
00:43:36,072 --> 00:43:37,740
because fuck you, remember?
761
00:43:39,158 --> 00:43:41,035
"Watching your movie
made me wanna get therapy."
762
00:43:41,119 --> 00:43:44,413
Well, then you were just looking
for an excuse to go to therapy,
763
00:43:44,497 --> 00:43:46,707
and you're welcome.
764
00:43:46,791 --> 00:43:48,584
Your whole family can thank me.
765
00:43:56,008 --> 00:43:58,052
Response number four:
766
00:43:58,136 --> 00:44:00,555
"Oh, he worked really hard
for a year on his movie
767
00:44:00,638 --> 00:44:03,015
and then it didn't do well.
Of course, he went crazy."
768
00:44:03,099 --> 00:44:05,268
Okay, I wanna talk about that.
769
00:44:05,351 --> 00:44:07,436
First of all, mental illness
is a real illness,
770
00:44:07,520 --> 00:44:09,105
and you should not
denigrate people who have it
771
00:44:09,188 --> 00:44:11,107
by calling them crazy.
That's wrong.
772
00:44:11,190 --> 00:44:13,192
Yeah.
773
00:44:17,113 --> 00:44:20,491
But also, you don't have to have
mental illness to go to therapy,
774
00:44:20,575 --> 00:44:23,744
and just 'cause you go to therapy
does not mean you have mental illness.
775
00:44:23,828 --> 00:44:24,829
Right.
776
00:44:24,912 --> 00:44:27,665
Yeah.
777
00:44:29,375 --> 00:44:31,460
I'm fortunate in that
I don't have mental illness,
778
00:44:31,544 --> 00:44:33,337
but I still benefit from therapy
779
00:44:33,421 --> 00:44:35,423
because I have a bunch
of trash in my head,
780
00:44:35,506 --> 00:44:37,008
and I don't know what to do with it.
781
00:44:37,091 --> 00:44:39,594
I don't know what's what.
I don't know what's trash,
782
00:44:39,677 --> 00:44:42,597
and what's recycling,
and what's composting.
783
00:44:43,598 --> 00:44:46,184
Night thoughts
every fucking night, you know?
784
00:44:46,267 --> 00:44:47,768
I needed someone to go through that
785
00:44:47,852 --> 00:44:50,563
and sift through it,
and label things for me, you know?
786
00:44:50,646 --> 00:44:52,106
That's helpful for me.
787
00:44:52,190 --> 00:44:54,192
This is true, for a long time--
this is completely true.
788
00:44:54,275 --> 00:44:58,738
For a long time, I didn't think
I had any negative feelings.
789
00:44:58,821 --> 00:45:01,824
That's true, I didn't think I had
any negative feelings.
790
00:45:01,908 --> 00:45:04,076
I thought I was happy all the time.
791
00:45:04,160 --> 00:45:07,288
And then every now and then,
I'd get very angry out of nowhere.
792
00:45:08,998 --> 00:45:11,292
Turns out, I did have negative feelings.
793
00:45:13,127 --> 00:45:14,879
I just didn't know it.
794
00:45:14,962 --> 00:45:19,342
And I would take that unprocessed feeling
and point it at the wrong thing.
795
00:45:19,425 --> 00:45:22,678
So, when it came to feelings,
I did not know what I was feeling,
796
00:45:22,762 --> 00:45:25,556
and I did not know what
I was feeling it towards.
797
00:45:25,640 --> 00:45:27,099
I'll give you an example.
798
00:45:27,183 --> 00:45:29,685
A few years ago,
my dad was in a car accident.
799
00:45:29,769 --> 00:45:31,604
He wasn't hurt at all,
he was totally fine.
800
00:45:31,687 --> 00:45:33,731
He's still totally fine, completely fine.
801
00:45:33,814 --> 00:45:36,609
However, it was a very scary
car accident.
802
00:45:36,692 --> 00:45:38,653
His car flipped over twice.
803
00:45:38,736 --> 00:45:41,447
And right after he crawled out
of where the windshield used to be,
804
00:45:41,530 --> 00:45:44,408
the first thing he did
was he called me on the phone
805
00:45:44,492 --> 00:45:47,370
'cause he needed to talk to someone
who would make him feel better.
806
00:45:47,453 --> 00:45:49,956
And I could tell he was okay,
but I could tell he was panicking.
807
00:45:50,039 --> 00:45:52,458
So, I was like, "Dad, you're okay.
You're panicking a little bit.
808
00:45:52,541 --> 00:45:55,461
"But that's very understandable,
given what you went through.
809
00:45:55,544 --> 00:45:57,797
"I know the car is totaled,
but that does not matter.
810
00:45:57,880 --> 00:45:59,382
"What matters is that you're okay.
811
00:45:59,465 --> 00:46:02,635
"So just sit there, breathe,
they're going to come take care of you.
812
00:46:02,718 --> 00:46:06,097
I promise you will be okay.
Dad, I love you very much."
813
00:46:06,180 --> 00:46:09,141
Then I hung up the phone and I was like,
"Wow, I fucking nailed that."
814
00:46:11,143 --> 00:46:13,145
Who's the father now, you know?
815
00:46:15,731 --> 00:46:19,527
And then an hour later, I was like,
"Where is my Ninja Turtles shirt?
816
00:46:19,610 --> 00:46:21,654
"I can't find my Ninja Turtles shirt.
817
00:46:21,737 --> 00:46:25,199
"It fit me perfectly and it had
my favorite Ninja Turtle on it.
818
00:46:25,283 --> 00:46:29,412
"My dad almost died in a car accident
and I can't find my Donatello shirt!
819
00:46:29,495 --> 00:46:32,415
Two equally significant tragedies
are occurring!"
820
00:46:37,336 --> 00:46:40,006
Turns out, it wasn't about
the shirt, you guys.
821
00:46:41,507 --> 00:46:45,511
I was sad for and scared for my dad,
and I didn't know how to express that.
822
00:46:45,594 --> 00:46:48,597
So instead, I got angry
at a shirt I couldn't find.
823
00:46:48,681 --> 00:46:50,224
And I'm gonna generalize here.
824
00:46:50,308 --> 00:46:52,852
I think that's a problem
a lot of us men have.
825
00:46:52,935 --> 00:46:57,273
I think a lot of us men have trouble
admitting when we're feeling sad or scared
826
00:46:57,356 --> 00:46:59,692
because we think
those emotions are weak.
827
00:46:59,775 --> 00:47:03,237
We think the only
manly emotion is anger.
828
00:47:03,321 --> 00:47:06,991
We think anger is strength.
But I think the opposite is true.
829
00:47:07,074 --> 00:47:11,287
I think anger can come from weakness,
and admitting you're sad when you're sad,
830
00:47:11,370 --> 00:47:14,206
and you're scared when you're scared,
that is strength.
831
00:47:18,711 --> 00:47:21,756
That is what it sounds like
when just the women are clapping.
832
00:47:24,759 --> 00:47:27,261
Straight dudes, if you look over
and your lady's clapping
833
00:47:27,345 --> 00:47:30,014
while looking at you...
834
00:47:35,644 --> 00:47:37,521
...make that appointment.
835
00:47:39,648 --> 00:47:42,485
And it's not really our fault, you know?
It's the way we were raised.
836
00:47:42,568 --> 00:47:44,779
It's what we were taught
being a man was, you know?
837
00:47:44,862 --> 00:47:46,364
Like all our role models.
838
00:47:46,447 --> 00:47:49,075
Like, there were no Arnold movies
in the '80s
839
00:47:49,158 --> 00:47:51,827
where he defeats
the bad guy through empathy.
840
00:47:54,121 --> 00:47:57,416
Like in Predator, he's not like,
"You may think you're invisible,
841
00:47:57,500 --> 00:47:59,293
but I see you."
842
00:48:08,511 --> 00:48:10,971
And I think a lot of the world
is angry right now
843
00:48:11,055 --> 00:48:13,974
'cause we're constantly
vacillating between sadness and fear,
844
00:48:14,058 --> 00:48:16,560
and sadness and fear,
and we don't want to feel that.
845
00:48:16,644 --> 00:48:19,647
So instead, we get angry at someone
who cut us off on the highway,
846
00:48:19,730 --> 00:48:21,941
or a nerd who got buff for a movie.
847
00:48:23,984 --> 00:48:25,945
Two equally relatable examples.
848
00:48:27,655 --> 00:48:29,740
I mean, we're dealing
with a lot right now
849
00:48:29,824 --> 00:48:32,284
and we've been through a lot.
We've been through a lot!
850
00:48:32,368 --> 00:48:35,287
I mean, we had a pandemic
not that long ago.
851
00:48:35,371 --> 00:48:37,706
We couldn't leave the house
'cause there was a new disease.
852
00:48:37,790 --> 00:48:41,293
We had to wait for science to catch up,
and we barely talk about it.
853
00:48:41,377 --> 00:48:42,920
None of us have processed it.
854
00:48:43,003 --> 00:48:45,089
I don't even know
what processing it would mean,
855
00:48:45,172 --> 00:48:47,049
but it would mean at least
talking about it.
856
00:48:47,133 --> 00:48:49,635
We've all decided to ignore it
like a fart in an elevator.
857
00:48:51,137 --> 00:48:52,847
Like, what did you guys do in quarantine?
858
00:48:52,930 --> 00:48:56,475
I watched every movie
ever made in the 1980s
859
00:48:56,559 --> 00:48:58,352
and washed bananas in the sink.
860
00:48:58,436 --> 00:49:01,439
I washed bananas
in the sink!
861
00:49:01,522 --> 00:49:04,525
I washed bananas in the sink!
862
00:49:04,608 --> 00:49:07,236
That's like the one fruit
you don't have to wash.
863
00:49:07,319 --> 00:49:09,822
Nature gave it a wrapper.
864
00:49:09,905 --> 00:49:14,160
I would guess I'd washed
200 bananas in the sink in one year.
865
00:49:14,243 --> 00:49:16,829
I'd washed zero bananas
in the sink in my life,
866
00:49:16,912 --> 00:49:18,956
200 bananas in the sink in one year,
867
00:49:19,039 --> 00:49:21,542
back to zero bananas
being washed in the sink.
868
00:49:27,923 --> 00:49:30,176
Every now and then,
I'd go outside to get dessert.
869
00:49:30,259 --> 00:49:32,803
I'd put a mask over my face,
I'd get cheesecake.
870
00:49:32,887 --> 00:49:35,806
I'd carry it into my house
like I was carrying plutonium.
871
00:49:35,890 --> 00:49:37,600
I'd stick it in the microwave,
872
00:49:37,683 --> 00:49:40,478
I'd nuke it for two minutes,
reduce it to sludge,
873
00:49:40,561 --> 00:49:44,523
eat it bubbling hot out of the bowl,
like the devil's night cereal.
874
00:49:50,696 --> 00:49:52,364
It was a weird year.
875
00:49:54,450 --> 00:49:56,535
And my lovely wife
is in a high-risk group
876
00:49:56,619 --> 00:50:00,039
and I was sad for and scared for her
the entire time.
877
00:50:00,122 --> 00:50:01,874
You know what helped me through that?
878
00:50:01,957 --> 00:50:04,210
Therapy.
Therapy helped me through that.
879
00:50:04,293 --> 00:50:07,171
It did.
880
00:50:11,050 --> 00:50:13,677
And I understand I have a lot
of privilege, I do have a great life.
881
00:50:13,761 --> 00:50:16,305
But now, I-- I'm more in touch
with myself.
882
00:50:16,388 --> 00:50:18,849
I feel things more.
I still have work to do.
883
00:50:18,933 --> 00:50:21,101
I still have more work to do,
but, you know,
884
00:50:21,185 --> 00:50:24,897
I-- I'm more in touch with myself.
I-- I cry more now.
885
00:50:24,980 --> 00:50:28,108
Like, I cried twice
watching a Godzilla movie.
886
00:50:28,192 --> 00:50:30,194
Godzilla Minus One.
887
00:50:30,277 --> 00:50:32,112
Have you seen it?
It's so good.
888
00:50:32,196 --> 00:50:34,448
Cried twice.
889
00:50:34,532 --> 00:50:36,659
And even now--
I watch movies with Emily,
890
00:50:36,742 --> 00:50:39,495
and even now,
when I start to get teary-eyed,
891
00:50:39,578 --> 00:50:43,624
my man-ness gets threatened,
and I try and hide my tears from Emily,
892
00:50:43,707 --> 00:50:46,460
even though watching me cry
brings her so much joy.
893
00:50:48,712 --> 00:50:50,339
I'm married to a psychopath.
894
00:50:53,717 --> 00:50:55,302
Response number five:
895
00:50:57,763 --> 00:50:59,640
"Oh, you think your movie
getting bad reviews
896
00:50:59,723 --> 00:51:02,059
is a good reason to get therapy?"
Yes.
897
00:51:02,142 --> 00:51:05,145
My movie getting bad reviews
is a good reason to get therapy.
898
00:51:05,229 --> 00:51:07,481
You know what else is a good reason
to get therapy?
899
00:51:07,565 --> 00:51:10,776
Having to get out of bed
in the fucking morning.
900
00:51:10,859 --> 00:51:12,987
It's really hard.
901
00:51:13,070 --> 00:51:14,697
It's really hard for us right now.
902
00:51:14,780 --> 00:51:17,032
We were going through a lot.
Climate change.
903
00:51:17,116 --> 00:51:20,619
I mean, my city was on fire for a month
because of climate change.
904
00:51:20,703 --> 00:51:24,331
A healthcare system
that prioritizes wealth over health.
905
00:51:24,415 --> 00:51:27,334
Uh, whatever the fuck is happening
in our politics right now.
906
00:51:27,418 --> 00:51:28,836
People who live right next to us
907
00:51:28,919 --> 00:51:31,922
who occupy completely different
versions of reality from us.
908
00:51:32,006 --> 00:51:33,007
It's a lot.
909
00:51:33,090 --> 00:51:36,051
And it's invaluable to have a professional
look you in the eye and say,
910
00:51:36,135 --> 00:51:37,303
"You're feeling this way
911
00:51:37,386 --> 00:51:39,471
because shit is fucked up right now."
912
00:51:39,555 --> 00:51:41,515
Yeah.
913
00:51:48,731 --> 00:51:51,817
Because you know what your therapist
is doing after talking to you?
914
00:51:51,900 --> 00:51:53,736
They're talking to their therapist.
915
00:51:53,819 --> 00:51:56,113
They're like, "I just told my client
shit is fucked up.
916
00:51:56,196 --> 00:51:57,823
It's fucked up, right?"
They're like, "Oh yeah,
917
00:51:57,906 --> 00:51:59,450
it's so fucked up right now."
918
00:51:59,533 --> 00:52:02,953
And then, they talk to their therapist,
and they talk to their therapist,
919
00:52:03,037 --> 00:52:06,332
all the way to the end of the line
where there's one giant uber-therapist
920
00:52:06,415 --> 00:52:10,044
who's taking on everyone's problems
and has nobody to talk to.
921
00:52:10,127 --> 00:52:12,004
And they're just wandering
into grocery stores
922
00:52:12,087 --> 00:52:13,839
trying to make eye contact
with people and saying,
923
00:52:13,922 --> 00:52:16,008
"Tell me I'm going to be okay!"
924
00:52:16,091 --> 00:52:17,968
And you have to look them in the eye
925
00:52:18,052 --> 00:52:21,430
and say, "Shit is fucked up,
and you're going to be okay."
926
00:52:22,431 --> 00:52:24,892
Shit is fucked up.
927
00:52:24,975 --> 00:52:26,727
And you're going to be okay.
928
00:52:28,479 --> 00:52:31,607
That's-- that's what I'm saying
to you right now.
929
00:52:31,690 --> 00:52:34,943
Shit is fucked up,
and you're going to be okay.
930
00:52:38,530 --> 00:52:41,617
Shit is fucked up,
and you're going to be okay.
931
00:52:41,700 --> 00:52:44,703
Now, you say it to me.
932
00:52:44,787 --> 00:52:47,956
Shit is fucked up
and you're going to be okay.
933
00:52:48,040 --> 00:52:50,709
That feels so good.
One more time.
934
00:52:50,793 --> 00:52:53,962
Shit is fucked up
and you're going to be okay.
935
00:52:54,046 --> 00:52:56,882
Thank you so much, Chicago,
you've been absolutely wonderful.
936
00:52:56,965 --> 00:52:59,510
Thank you.
937
00:53:33,085 --> 00:53:35,254
Encore! Encore!
938
00:53:35,337 --> 00:53:39,007
Encore! Encore!
Encore! Encore!
939
00:53:39,091 --> 00:53:41,552
- Encore! Encore!
- I don't have an encore bit.
940
00:53:42,761 --> 00:53:45,889
I-- I should just sing the entirety
of Hotel California.
941
00:53:49,143 --> 00:53:50,978
No, that's-- nobody wants that.
942
00:53:51,061 --> 00:53:53,772
Okay, this is what I'll do, okay?
I'll-- I'll tell you, as my encore,
943
00:53:53,856 --> 00:53:56,692
the first joke I ever did on stage, okay?
944
00:53:58,485 --> 00:54:01,488
But I'm gonna do the whole thing.
I'll do the, you know, like, uh...
945
00:54:01,572 --> 00:54:03,991
"Thanks so much.
That's my time."
946
00:54:20,966 --> 00:54:25,471
Ever since-- ever since I was a kid,
I've wanted to be a scientist.
947
00:54:25,554 --> 00:54:27,473
But I wanna be a really successful one.
948
00:54:27,556 --> 00:54:31,351
Like, I've always wanted to have a unit
of measurement named after myself.
949
00:54:31,435 --> 00:54:33,979
'Cause all the cool scientists have them:
950
00:54:34,062 --> 00:54:37,191
Joules. Newton,
Mr. Kilometer.
951
00:54:41,695 --> 00:54:43,071
Woo!
952
00:54:43,155 --> 00:54:44,907
He didn't come to America though.
953
00:54:49,203 --> 00:54:50,204
Woo!
954
00:54:50,287 --> 00:54:52,623
So, I want a unit of measurement
named after myself.
955
00:54:52,706 --> 00:54:54,750
But I want something cool, you know?
956
00:54:54,833 --> 00:54:58,128
Like, "Turn the torpedoes
up to five Nanjianis!"
957
00:54:58,212 --> 00:55:00,255
"Five Nanjianis?
958
00:55:00,339 --> 00:55:02,132
"That's way too much power!
959
00:55:03,175 --> 00:55:05,636
Most people can't handle
one Nanjiani."
960
00:55:05,719 --> 00:55:08,430
Thank you.
961
00:55:34,289 --> 00:55:36,542
♪ I push the seats in my car back ♪
962
00:55:37,000 --> 00:55:39,002
♪ Polish girl check that Slovak ♪
963
00:55:40,128 --> 00:55:41,755
♪ You're sweet like baklava ♪
964
00:55:41,838 --> 00:55:43,924
♪ You know I'm hot as Benny Lava ♪
965
00:55:44,007 --> 00:55:47,553
♪ And if them mandem intervene
then I'll go get the balaclava ♪
966
00:55:48,929 --> 00:55:50,722
♪ Your mandem can't see me ♪
967
00:55:50,806 --> 00:55:53,392
♪ Side man, man I'm Mario, Luigi ♪
968
00:55:53,475 --> 00:55:56,687
♪ That's you on your
fucking green dungarees ♪
969
00:55:57,354 --> 00:55:59,856
♪ Oh, aaja ♪
970
00:56:20,544 --> 00:56:22,838
{\an8}♪ Oh, aaja ♪