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Downloaded from
YTS.LT
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[street noises rise slowly]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.LT
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[crowd cheering faintly]
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[announcer] Milwaukee,
please welcome Tom Segura.
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- [crowd cheers]
- [elevator dings]
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["Time 4 Sum Aksion" by Redman plays]
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♪ Time, time for some
Time for some action ♪
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♪ Time, time for some
Time for some action... ♪
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♪ Let's get ready to rumble ♪
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♪ In this corner we have
The funk bodysnatcher ♪
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♪ P-Funkadelic and I gat ya
Hard enough that I can... ♪
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All right, thank you very much!
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- [song fades]
- [crowd whoops]
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Thank you.
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You guys are amazing, thanks.
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Yeah, I love you too.
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You're so well-behaved.
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- That's great.
- [crowd laughs]
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It's not always like this.
You know that, right? We, uh...
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We had a fight in the front row
last week at a show.
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Yeah, and you fucking notice
when it's in the front row.
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- [laughter]
- You notice.
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And, um... you know, normally,
we try to put that out pretty quickly,
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but the, uh, the guy that
started the fight was just so old.
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- Uh...
- [crowd laughs]
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When security descended upon him,
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I was just like, "Wait."
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You know?
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Like, "Let him do it," you know.
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[crowd laughs]
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It's probably his last fight, you know.
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I'm sure it was. He was very old,
and he was punching another guy,
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but he was... you know,
he was making, like, old sounds
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as he was like... "Bughh..." Like, it was...
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[crowd laughing]
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Even the guy getting hit was like,
"I don't give a shit." Like...
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"I don't feel this." And then...
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Then the older guy, he just kind of
tuckered out, you know. He was, "Aww..."
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And he just... He just kind of faded.
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And then as security was escorting him
up the aisle, I looked and I was like,
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"Oh, I think that's a woman."
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- Um... [chuckles]
- [crowd laughing]
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It was the hair.
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You know how women
will sometimes hit a certain age
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where they don't want you to try
to fuck them anymore, and...
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the hair goes first, you know.
They just go... [buzzing]
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Then we all go, "Oh yeah.
Don't try to touch her. I got it."
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This goes... [whooshes]
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The vagina closes, the hair goes,
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and we all go, "She's off-limits." So...
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Whoever it was, rest in peace.
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- Um...
- [crowd laughs]
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I, uh... [chuckles]
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I just got back from my favorite place.
I was in Italy, which I absolutely love.
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- [crowd cheering]
- Yeah... it's the greatest.
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It is the greatest. And...
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My phone knows that I love Italy,
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just like our phones know
everything about us now.
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It was fun, I think about a decade ago,
when we would like kind of debate,
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"Wouldn't it be crazy if this thing
was listening to everything we said?"
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And then now we're like,
"Oh yeah, this records everything."
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[crowd laughs]
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Everything I say,
text, think, it's just there.
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Unless you're one of these people
who happens to believe, you're like,
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"Oh yeah, you know, I was having
a conversation with someone
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about a bread basket
from Croatia in the 1700s,
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and then I opened my Gmail,
and it was like,
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'You looking
for a Croatian bread basket?'"
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[crowd laughs]
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You're like, "Isn't that
a wild coincidence?" Well, yeah.
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I talk about Italy all the time,
and every time I open my phone,
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social media is just Italy.
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It's Italian landscapes, Italian recipes,
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Italian women's feet,
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and I go "like, like, like," right?
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[crowd laughs]
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But whenever I see
landscape shots of Italy,
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there's always a guy on a Vespa, you know?
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Those little scooters,
and they're zipping around,
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and they're dreaming of marinara,
or whatever they do.
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[crowd laughs]
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[vrooming] Yeah.
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And whenever I see a guy on a Vespa,
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internally to myself, I go,
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"That's gay." Right?
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[crowd laughing]
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But when you're there and you see one,
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you're like, "No one will know, right?"
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[crowd laughing]
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So I rented one, and...
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[crowd laughing]
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It was the single most joyful experience
of my entire life,
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including the birth of my children.
It was fucking amazing.
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I was making up reasons
to take that thing out.
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I was just like, "We don't have
any butternut squash. I gotta go."
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Couple days into it, I started
making up a narrative in my head.
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I was like, "This is the same as a Harley.
This is the same shit."
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This is my hog. [vrooms]
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[crowd laughs]
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Another day went by,
I was like, "I am getting one of these...
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as soon as I get back."
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I started shopping online.
"Do I want a blue one? Yeah."
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"Do I want a basket?
Fuck yeah, I want a basket on that."
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And then I got back to the US of A,
and within moments, I was like,
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"Oh, there's not a fucking chance." Like...
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[crowd laughs]
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"I'll get beat to death
at a red light... in one of these,"
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and that's when you realize that Vespas
are the pickleball of the motorbike world.
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They are...
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[crowd laughs and applauds]
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They just are.
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[cheers and applause]
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Yeah!
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It is simply a substitute
for the real thing.
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Just say you suck at tennis,
you fucking cuck. Like...
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Nobody wants to hear that you're excelling
at a make-believe sport.
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Now... "No, but it's so social."
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[mock babbling]
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[crowd laughs]
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"Anyone can do it."
That's why you do it. You're soft. Now...
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I did something very, very fun recently.
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I got to fly with the Blue Angels.
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I don't know if you know what that is.
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- [cheering]
- Oh, wow.
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Wow!
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For those of you that don't know,
that is the US Navy's aerial show program.
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They put on shows all over our country
that are unbelievable.
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These are elite fighter pilots
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that are flying in fighter jets
18 inches apart,
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and they do these wild, acrobatic stunts.
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And I went to the show,
and it was amazing.
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Then afterwards,
I met one of the organizers,
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and very casually, I was like, "Yeah,
I wish I could go up in one of those."
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They were like, "Yeah, you can."
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And I go, "What the fuck, really?"
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[crowd laughs]
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They go, "Yeah,
if you come to Pensacola, Florida."
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And I was like, "Ugh!"
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[crowd laughing]
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"Okay." So...
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I went. I went to Florida.
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I went to the base,
and I met one of the pilots.
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This dude looked like
he was designed in a lab,
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and then AI just shit him out, okay?
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This is one of the most beautiful men...
I think about this guy every day, okay?
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[crowd laughs]
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My last thought
before I go to bed at night
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is his jawline, and then I go,
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"Hmm... mm," then I fall asleep.
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So I walk up to him, I go, "Hey, I'm Tom."
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And he goes, "I'm Seven."
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Whatever you say, Daddy. Uh...
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[crowd laughing]
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If you're a seven, I'd hate to meet a ten,
you know what I mean?
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So Seven tells me,
"We're gonna do some wild stuff up there."
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"So don't eat a lot,
because if you eat a lot,
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you will definitely throw up."
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And I go, "Oh, wow, what if I throw up?"
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He goes, "I'll give you a little baggie,
and you can puke in that."
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I go, "Thanks, dog."
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"What if I shit?"
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And he goes, "People don't shit."
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[crowd laughing]
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You don't know who
you're talking to right now, do you?
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We went up for 45 minutes.
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We flew vertically,
we did barrel rolls, we flew Mach 1.2,
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we pulled seven and a half Gs.
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It was the most thrilling 45 minutes
of my entire life.
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But when I got back, I realized something.
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I realized that we are
the only country on Earth
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where when you see
a fleet of fighter jets approaching,
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you know something cool is gonna happen.
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[crowd laughing]
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It's just us.
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[cheers and applause]
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Right? Like...
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Dude, we send them to the Daytona 500
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to kick shit off,
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so that every asshole there can go...
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[chuckling] "Look at that."
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"That's fucking cool."
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You're like, "Yeah, here."
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But if you're in the Hindu Kush province
of Afghanistan,
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and you see seven F-22s,
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you're not like,
"Oh, yeah, today's the race."
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[crowd laughing]
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You know, you just go... [grunts]
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And that's it. That's
the last fucking sound you ever make
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before you hear... [puffs]
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And then... there goes your mom's village.
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All right, so...
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[chants] USA...
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Now...
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[scattered whooping]
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Well, sure.
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00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:15,304
- [cheering]
- Why not?
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You know, I didn't puke,
and I didn't shit, but...
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when I was in Houston
about a month ago, I sharted.
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Here's what happened.
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[crowd laughs]
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If you were gonna make
a list of the best places to shart,
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and I don't know why you would,
but if you did,
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number one is the bathroom.
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And that's where I was.
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I was in a public restroom,
and I was at the urinal.
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[crowd laughs]
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I was just enjoying a delightful
afternoon pee, you know?
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Like a 90-second one, you know,
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where your mind just kind of goes.
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Stream of consciousness takes over.
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You're just lost, and like,
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"Are birds real,
or are they honing devices? I don't know."
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00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:05,938
"Jesus, how big were
Aretha Franklin's tits," you know?
215
00:10:07,481 --> 00:10:10,525
You ever think about that?
Everyone talks about Dolly Parton's tits.
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00:10:10,526 --> 00:10:14,905
Did you ever look
at Aretha Franklin's tits?
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It looked like she was nursing seal pups.
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00:10:17,742 --> 00:10:19,118
It's insane.
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00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:23,538
If she couldn't sing,
she'd be serving lunch.
220
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You know what I mean? Those are some tits.
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So...
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00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:29,044
[chuckles quietly]
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00:10:29,045 --> 00:10:31,130
[crowd laughs]
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I'm pissing... and it's great.
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00:10:34,759 --> 00:10:36,926
My wife always gives me shit, by the way.
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She's like, "You enjoy
your bodily functions so much."
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00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:42,349
I'm like, "Just let me live my life."
228
00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:46,478
I mean, I do like peeing.
I like sneezing more.
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00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:52,943
If you don't enjoy an open-air,
reckless, violent sneeze,
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you're a fucking communist, okay?
231
00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:57,907
- [cheering]
- It's the best.
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Yeah, you know what I mean?
No one's around, you go...
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[loud babbling] One of those,
and you're like, "What the fuck?"
234
00:11:05,414 --> 00:11:06,707
"Don't talk to me."
235
00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:10,293
I love it. Coming's the best, obviously.
236
00:11:10,294 --> 00:11:12,045
I'm not gonna argue that point.
237
00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:17,468
So, I go, coming, sneezing,
nice pee, emergency shit, um...
238
00:11:18,302 --> 00:11:22,013
I really like stretching in bed
right after I wake up,
239
00:11:22,014 --> 00:11:25,183
and then it sends you back to sleep,
'cause it feels like fentanyl.
240
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I don't know. I like it.
241
00:11:27,770 --> 00:11:29,938
I like sitting on the couch on a Sunday
242
00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:33,650
and just a nice pinch and roll
on my beanbag, you know? Just...
243
00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:35,610
[crowd laughs]
244
00:11:35,611 --> 00:11:37,445
[man whoops]
245
00:11:37,446 --> 00:11:39,323
- [scattered whistling]
- [Tom sighs]
246
00:11:41,283 --> 00:11:43,827
"This is free? This is crazy."
247
00:11:43,828 --> 00:11:46,204
[crowd laughing]
248
00:11:46,205 --> 00:11:49,291
"I wish it were Seven's hand,
but this feels good, you know?"
249
00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:54,796
A lot of ladies get jealous about that,
and honestly, you shouldn't.
250
00:11:54,797 --> 00:11:57,590
I've seen what you have there,
and there's plenty to pull,
251
00:11:57,591 --> 00:11:59,384
so you could also just...
252
00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:01,470
[crowd laughs]
253
00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:05,390
Tug on that taffy bag
and see where it takes you.
254
00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:07,308
[crowd laughs]
255
00:12:07,309 --> 00:12:08,977
[Tom sighs]
256
00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:12,772
Yeah, and don't you dare
get insecure, okay?
257
00:12:12,773 --> 00:12:15,943
You ladies do that to each other.
We never care.
258
00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:19,613
It could have teeth,
and we try to get in there. We don't care.
259
00:12:20,489 --> 00:12:23,158
All I'm saying is, ladies,
I want you to leave here tonight
260
00:12:23,159 --> 00:12:27,036
knowing that you all
have beautiful pussies, okay?
261
00:12:27,037 --> 00:12:28,872
Yeah, sure.
262
00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:29,789
[cheers rise]
263
00:12:29,790 --> 00:12:32,752
Oh yeah, absolutely.
264
00:12:35,504 --> 00:12:37,464
So I'm peeing, right?
265
00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:39,007
Um...
266
00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:43,763
And as I'm peeing, I feel something,
you know, in the chamber.
267
00:12:44,805 --> 00:12:46,890
And I'm polite, so I do the polite thing.
268
00:12:46,891 --> 00:12:49,559
I... hmm... mmm...
269
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:51,895
look around, and there's nobody in there.
270
00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:54,482
So I tell myself, "It's okay, buddy."
271
00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:57,359
"Why don't you give it a push?"
272
00:12:59,069 --> 00:13:00,446
And I did,
273
00:13:01,238 --> 00:13:02,990
and there was no sound.
274
00:13:06,076 --> 00:13:07,203
None.
275
00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:09,955
But there was movement.
276
00:13:11,165 --> 00:13:12,582
So now I have to check.
277
00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:14,417
Do you know how you have to check?
278
00:13:14,418 --> 00:13:18,047
You have to take your pants
all the way down.
279
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:21,091
Like a fucking toddler. I was like...
280
00:13:24,053 --> 00:13:27,097
So now I'm just Winnie the Pooh-ing it
in a T-shirt. Like...
281
00:13:27,973 --> 00:13:29,058
"Hi."
282
00:13:29,892 --> 00:13:31,309
"Hello."
283
00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:32,894
My little dick's hanging out.
284
00:13:32,895 --> 00:13:34,438
"Hello."
285
00:13:35,356 --> 00:13:39,235
Then I look into my boxers, and I'm like,
"Yep, I'm throwing those out."
286
00:13:40,736 --> 00:13:43,363
And then I clean up,
and then I leave the restroom.
287
00:13:43,364 --> 00:13:46,491
All my friends are waiting outside,
and I tell them what happened.
288
00:13:46,492 --> 00:13:49,702
They're like, "I don't wanna know."
And I go, "I'm telling you."
289
00:13:49,703 --> 00:13:52,915
And they go, "Well, stop."
I go, "I'm not. You already know now."
290
00:13:53,541 --> 00:13:56,209
And in that exchange, something clicked.
291
00:13:56,210 --> 00:13:57,710
I put it together.
292
00:13:57,711 --> 00:13:59,587
I didn't shart.
293
00:13:59,588 --> 00:14:02,006
I had simply shit my pants.
294
00:14:02,007 --> 00:14:03,926
[crowd laughing]
295
00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:05,594
Yeah.
296
00:14:06,637 --> 00:14:07,679
I mean...
297
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,556
[scattered clapping]
298
00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:11,892
That's an important distinction, right?
299
00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:15,353
A shart would imply that I had farted,
300
00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:19,149
and that there were
some DVD extras in there.
301
00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:22,402
I took a shit with my pants on.
302
00:14:22,403 --> 00:14:24,320
[crowd laughing]
303
00:14:24,321 --> 00:14:27,323
It would be no different
than if I were standing here like,
304
00:14:27,324 --> 00:14:29,368
"I think I'm gonna take a shit right now."
305
00:14:30,077 --> 00:14:31,494
And then I just kept talking.
306
00:14:31,495 --> 00:14:35,039
So, it's fucked with my confidence,
but I'm back, baby.
307
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:37,458
I am fucking back. Yes.
308
00:14:37,459 --> 00:14:39,752
[loud cheers and applause]
309
00:14:39,753 --> 00:14:41,046
Thank you.
310
00:14:44,633 --> 00:14:46,217
Also, let me tell you something.
311
00:14:46,218 --> 00:14:48,678
This is my sixth hour special,
312
00:14:48,679 --> 00:14:52,224
and I'm very, very grateful
that I have this opportunity.
313
00:14:53,183 --> 00:14:54,267
Yeah.
314
00:14:54,268 --> 00:14:56,353
[crowd cheering and whooping]
315
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,982
I tell people a lot, and it's true,
316
00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:04,068
that I really didn't think
this was in the cards for me.
317
00:15:04,069 --> 00:15:07,655
I didn't think about this ever
when I started out in entertainment.
318
00:15:07,656 --> 00:15:11,159
I really thought
the highlight of my career
319
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:12,911
was many, many years ago
320
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:18,541
when I booked the international campaign
to be the spokesman for Subway.
321
00:15:18,542 --> 00:15:21,419
Now... that's a real thing.
322
00:15:21,420 --> 00:15:24,589
That really happened to me.
It took ten auditions.
323
00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:27,550
And when I got the call
that I had booked this job,
324
00:15:27,551 --> 00:15:32,180
I had the same thought that many of you
are probably having right now,
325
00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:34,807
which is, what about Jared, you know?
326
00:15:34,808 --> 00:15:36,517
[crowd laughs]
327
00:15:36,518 --> 00:15:39,187
Jared, the now former spokesman,
328
00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:42,815
was really prominent
in advertising at this time.
329
00:15:42,816 --> 00:15:45,234
So when I got the call
that I was the new spokesman,
330
00:15:45,235 --> 00:15:48,988
I asked them. I was like,
"Wait, am I replacing Jared?"
331
00:15:48,989 --> 00:15:51,532
And they were like, "Fuck no."
332
00:15:51,533 --> 00:15:52,909
[crowd laughs]
333
00:15:52,910 --> 00:15:57,246
See, if you don't know this man's story,
he used to weigh 500 pounds,
334
00:15:57,247 --> 00:15:59,749
and he would go to his local Subway,
335
00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:02,043
and he would order a six-inch turkey sub,
336
00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:03,628
and he'd go on long walks.
337
00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:08,174
And over the course of several years,
he lost nearly 300 pounds.
338
00:16:08,175 --> 00:16:13,137
Well, Subway did a one-time commercial
that was so successful,
339
00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:16,557
they named him the permanent spokesman.
340
00:16:16,558 --> 00:16:19,352
But the problem was...
341
00:16:19,353 --> 00:16:21,438
[crowd laughs lightly]
342
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:35,034
They could only use Jared
to promote their healthy subs.
343
00:16:35,035 --> 00:16:37,287
And they needed someone...
344
00:16:40,457 --> 00:16:44,168
that looked like
they could shit standing up, right?
345
00:16:44,169 --> 00:16:46,379
[crowd laughs]
346
00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:48,298
That's where your boy came in.
347
00:16:49,174 --> 00:16:51,342
I was like, "Wait a minute,
Jared's gonna say,
348
00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:54,637
'Eat the turkey sub and the veggie sub.'"
"What am I gonna say?"
349
00:16:54,638 --> 00:16:58,100
They're like, "You're gonna say, 'Don't
forget we have a meatball sub too.'"
350
00:16:59,351 --> 00:17:01,019
I was like, "Okay, I can do that."
351
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:03,312
But my next question was more relevant.
352
00:17:03,313 --> 00:17:06,274
I was like, "Wait, Jared plays himself.
He's Jared."
353
00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:09,902
"Am I playing Tom, the comedian,
in these commercials?"
354
00:17:09,903 --> 00:17:12,697
And they were like,
"No, Jared will remain Jared."
355
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:16,368
"You, Tom, are gonna play
his derelict brother
356
00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:20,621
who's a mess
and eats like a fucking raccoon."
357
00:17:20,622 --> 00:17:21,956
[crowd laughs]
358
00:17:21,957 --> 00:17:23,917
I was like, "Okay, I can do that."
359
00:17:24,501 --> 00:17:27,211
I go, "I'm a character."
They go, "Yes, you're a character."
360
00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:29,172
I go, "Great, what's my name?"
361
00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:30,841
And they go, "Jerome."
362
00:17:34,261 --> 00:17:37,096
I took a beat and I go,
"That's a Black guy's name."
363
00:17:37,097 --> 00:17:39,015
[crowd laughs]
364
00:17:39,016 --> 00:17:42,477
And I'll never forget
the chief marketing officer of Subway
365
00:17:42,478 --> 00:17:44,937
looked me dead in my face, and he goes,
366
00:17:44,938 --> 00:17:47,815
"Anybody can be named Jerome."
367
00:17:47,816 --> 00:17:49,902
[crowd laughs]
368
00:17:50,652 --> 00:17:52,737
I go, "Yeah, anybody can be named Tanner."
369
00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:54,990
"That's a fucking white guy's name,
isn't it?"
370
00:17:57,326 --> 00:18:00,620
He goes, "We'll take your concerns
back to the board."
371
00:18:00,621 --> 00:18:04,457
Two weeks later, I am in New York City
and I'm doing a wardrobe fitting
372
00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:06,334
to start shooting the commercials.
373
00:18:06,335 --> 00:18:08,836
This guy walks
into my dressing room and he goes,
374
00:18:08,837 --> 00:18:12,757
"Hey, everybody agreed
with your name issue."
375
00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:13,884
And I go...
376
00:18:14,468 --> 00:18:16,219
[crowd laughs]
377
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:17,763
"No shit."
378
00:18:19,139 --> 00:18:21,349
"What's the new name? Jeff, Jason?"
379
00:18:21,350 --> 00:18:22,892
He goes, "Jermaine."
380
00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:24,978
[crowd laughs]
381
00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:29,942
I go, "That is way Blacker."
382
00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:34,279
"Am I wearing gold fronts
in these commercials?"
383
00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:37,490
He goes, "It's settled."
384
00:18:37,491 --> 00:18:39,242
I go, "Okay."
385
00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:42,787
And then we shot commercials, you guys.
We shot a bunch of commercials.
386
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:44,330
Then we went on hiatus
387
00:18:44,331 --> 00:18:46,666
and we were gonna shoot
six more commercials
388
00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:49,085
to launch this massive campaign.
389
00:18:49,086 --> 00:18:50,962
Well, the marketing guy resigned.
390
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:53,464
A new guy came in, and he killed the ads.
391
00:18:53,465 --> 00:18:56,801
So I got the call. They go, "It's over.
These are never gonna air."
392
00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:59,303
"You don't get the contract.
This is not happening."
393
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:00,930
And I got so depressed.
394
00:19:00,931 --> 00:19:04,100
I was like, "This was my big shot.
It slipped through my fingers."
395
00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:07,145
"I'm never gonna have
another opportunity like this again."
396
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:09,063
I just couldn't see the light.
397
00:19:09,064 --> 00:19:10,357
And then...
398
00:19:12,192 --> 00:19:14,193
[light laughter rises]
399
00:19:14,194 --> 00:19:16,113
About ten years went by.
400
00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:22,327
And one day I turned on the television,
and our old buddy Jared
401
00:19:23,078 --> 00:19:24,287
was on TV too.
402
00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:26,707
Only it wasn't a Subway commercial.
403
00:19:27,958 --> 00:19:29,960
It was the evening news.
404
00:19:30,711 --> 00:19:33,963
And they were reporting
that Jared was being sentenced
405
00:19:33,964 --> 00:19:37,967
to 19 years in prison
for child pornography.
406
00:19:37,968 --> 00:19:39,969
I dropped to my knees. "Thank you, Jesus."
407
00:19:39,970 --> 00:19:43,723
"Thank you for taking that away.
I'm sorry I ever doubted you."
408
00:19:43,724 --> 00:19:45,808
"I will never do it again."
409
00:19:45,809 --> 00:19:48,811
Because if that campaign had aired,
410
00:19:48,812 --> 00:19:50,813
it would have been ten years
411
00:19:50,814 --> 00:19:54,525
of us doing commercials together,
being on billboards together,
412
00:19:54,526 --> 00:19:56,861
doing public appearances together.
413
00:19:56,862 --> 00:20:01,240
And the day
that awful news dropped about him,
414
00:20:01,241 --> 00:20:04,785
all of you would have seen me
on the street
415
00:20:04,786 --> 00:20:07,246
and been like, "Hey, Jermaine!"
416
00:20:07,247 --> 00:20:09,333
[crowd laughing loudly]
417
00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:14,670
I'd be like, "What? I'm Tom."
418
00:20:14,671 --> 00:20:17,173
And you'd go, "Shut up,
you Black piece of shit."
419
00:20:17,174 --> 00:20:19,509
- [stifling chuckle]
- [crowd laughing]
420
00:20:21,345 --> 00:20:22,804
[exclaims]
421
00:20:24,556 --> 00:20:26,516
And you'd go, "You fucking knew!"
422
00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:29,018
"You fucking knew!"
423
00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:31,437
I'd go, "I don't know anything.
I don't know what to say."
424
00:20:31,438 --> 00:20:33,357
"Eat fresh. I'm sorry." So...
425
00:20:34,566 --> 00:20:36,692
I'm glad this worked out.
This is way more fun.
426
00:20:36,693 --> 00:20:38,569
So thank you for being here, and...
427
00:20:38,570 --> 00:20:40,656
[loud cheers and applause]
428
00:20:42,908 --> 00:20:44,034
Yeah...
429
00:20:47,162 --> 00:20:50,873
I do still have his phone number,
if you're wondering.
430
00:20:50,874 --> 00:20:53,085
I did try sending him a link one time...
431
00:20:57,422 --> 00:20:58,882
to adult porn.
432
00:21:00,342 --> 00:21:02,803
Because I thought
he wouldn't like it, but...
433
00:21:03,512 --> 00:21:05,514
[Tom chuckling]
434
00:21:06,974 --> 00:21:12,186
Hey, did you guys know... did you know,
that in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba,
435
00:21:12,187 --> 00:21:17,233
at the naval prison that houses
some of the most dangerous men on earth
436
00:21:17,234 --> 00:21:21,237
and also other people...
who have never done anything.
437
00:21:21,238 --> 00:21:22,572
Did you know...
438
00:21:23,156 --> 00:21:24,031
Look it up.
439
00:21:24,032 --> 00:21:25,242
Did you know
440
00:21:26,326 --> 00:21:29,287
that the guards there
are specially trained?
441
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:31,247
Now, I know this because I went there.
442
00:21:31,248 --> 00:21:37,378
I went to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba,
to do shows for fucking us.
443
00:21:37,379 --> 00:21:38,629
Yeah, for the troops.
444
00:21:38,630 --> 00:21:40,840
They weren't like,
"Here's the 9/11 planners."
445
00:21:40,841 --> 00:21:42,843
"Why don't you give them a giggle?"
446
00:21:43,844 --> 00:21:45,344
That'd be insane if they're like,
447
00:21:45,345 --> 00:21:48,806
"Get in there and you make
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed laugh."
448
00:21:48,807 --> 00:21:50,309
And I'm like, "What the fuck?"
449
00:21:51,518 --> 00:21:53,520
[crowd laughing]
450
00:21:56,773 --> 00:21:57,858
[pops lips]
451
00:21:59,860 --> 00:22:02,612
He's like, "Ha, ha, ha.
I like. He's a funny guy."
452
00:22:04,323 --> 00:22:07,450
So when you go to GITMO,
you don't just buy a ticket, right?
453
00:22:07,451 --> 00:22:08,743
You fly to Florida,
454
00:22:08,744 --> 00:22:12,121
and a military plane picks you up
and they take you to the base,
455
00:22:12,122 --> 00:22:16,375
and you're greeted by high-ranking
naval officers, and they're pretty formal.
456
00:22:16,376 --> 00:22:19,211
They go, "Thank you for coming.
We're excited for your show."
457
00:22:19,212 --> 00:22:21,964
"We'll put you in the housing unit.
Let us know if you need anything."
458
00:22:21,965 --> 00:22:23,382
You go, "Thanks very much."
459
00:22:23,383 --> 00:22:28,012
And then they pass you off to some
Marines who are a little different.
460
00:22:28,013 --> 00:22:31,432
And then first thing
these guys said to me, they go,
461
00:22:31,433 --> 00:22:33,100
"You want to see some shit?"
462
00:22:33,101 --> 00:22:35,061
[crowd laughs]
463
00:22:35,062 --> 00:22:37,356
I go, "Yeah, fuck yeah, of course, yes."
464
00:22:38,357 --> 00:22:41,609
So these guys put me in a Jeep,
and they took me to a hilltop.
465
00:22:41,610 --> 00:22:44,612
They're like, "You shouldn't
be up here. It's classified."
466
00:22:44,613 --> 00:22:46,697
I go, "You just fucking drove me here."
467
00:22:46,698 --> 00:22:48,616
[crowd laughs]
468
00:22:48,617 --> 00:22:50,660
They're like, "All right, good point."
469
00:22:51,286 --> 00:22:55,081
They point to this white building.
They go, "That's level four."
470
00:22:55,082 --> 00:22:57,500
"That's what you see on the news."
I go, "Wow."
471
00:22:57,501 --> 00:22:59,710
Then they tell me
this fascinating insight.
472
00:22:59,711 --> 00:23:03,923
They tell me that the guards there
are specially trained.
473
00:23:03,924 --> 00:23:06,384
So I assume
they're talking about Navy SEALs.
474
00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:08,844
They go, "No, they're trained
for their demeanor,
475
00:23:08,845 --> 00:23:10,262
how they carry themselves."
476
00:23:10,263 --> 00:23:11,514
"What do you mean?"
477
00:23:11,515 --> 00:23:15,059
They said, "The prisoners
often protest their imprisonment
478
00:23:15,060 --> 00:23:19,772
by throwing their feces
and their urine in the guards' faces."
479
00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:23,150
And the guards are
not allowed to retaliate.
480
00:23:23,151 --> 00:23:27,238
They're only allowed to say two things
back to the prisoner when that happens.
481
00:23:27,239 --> 00:23:30,200
They're allowed to say, "Are you hungry?"
482
00:23:31,618 --> 00:23:34,121
Or, "Are you thirsty?"
483
00:23:34,788 --> 00:23:35,704
That's it.
484
00:23:35,705 --> 00:23:37,206
And if the... [chuckles]
485
00:23:37,207 --> 00:23:38,707
If the guard...
486
00:23:38,708 --> 00:23:40,168
[stifling chuckle]
487
00:23:40,961 --> 00:23:43,088
It's funny when you think about it.
488
00:23:44,464 --> 00:23:47,216
If the guard does retaliate,
489
00:23:47,217 --> 00:23:49,802
the guard can be court-martialed,
490
00:23:49,803 --> 00:23:53,556
meaning you can go to prison
491
00:23:53,557 --> 00:23:56,058
for retaliating against someone
492
00:23:56,059 --> 00:24:00,980
who threw shit and piss in your face.
493
00:24:00,981 --> 00:24:02,148
[crowd laughs]
494
00:24:02,149 --> 00:24:05,443
This is what it's like
to be the father of a six-year-old boy.
495
00:24:05,444 --> 00:24:07,445
- My son...
- [crowd laughs]
496
00:24:07,446 --> 00:24:09,155
Yeah, that's called an A1 setup.
497
00:24:09,156 --> 00:24:10,991
That's why I'm a big-time comedian.
498
00:24:11,908 --> 00:24:12,908
Sure.
499
00:24:12,909 --> 00:24:14,995
[cheers and applause]
500
00:24:17,247 --> 00:24:19,958
I have two sons.
They're both kind of dicks, but...
501
00:24:20,625 --> 00:24:24,671
The six-year-old, I walk into my house
a couple weeks ago, he goes, "Hey, man."
502
00:24:26,173 --> 00:24:27,591
He goes, "Pick me up."
503
00:24:28,133 --> 00:24:30,510
I go, "Pick you up?" He goes, "Hold me."
504
00:24:31,344 --> 00:24:33,512
He hasn't asked me to hold him
in like a year.
505
00:24:33,513 --> 00:24:36,349
I go, "You want me to hold you?"
He goes, "Yeah, pick me up."
506
00:24:37,559 --> 00:24:39,185
All right, so I pick him up.
507
00:24:39,186 --> 00:24:42,646
I'm looking at my baby boy.
"You just want Dad to hold you?"
508
00:24:42,647 --> 00:24:44,356
He goes, "It feels good, man."
509
00:24:44,357 --> 00:24:46,484
[crowd laughs]
510
00:24:46,485 --> 00:24:47,985
I go, "I like it too, buddy."
511
00:24:47,986 --> 00:24:49,737
And then a moment later,
512
00:24:49,738 --> 00:24:51,780
I feel a hot,
513
00:24:51,781 --> 00:24:55,327
piercing, spreading sensation
514
00:24:55,827 --> 00:24:57,995
on my midsection.
515
00:24:57,996 --> 00:24:59,998
I go, "Are you peeing on me?"
516
00:25:00,957 --> 00:25:02,333
And he goes, "Yeah."
517
00:25:02,334 --> 00:25:04,753
[crowd laughs]
518
00:25:05,420 --> 00:25:07,338
I wanted to hit him so bad.
519
00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:09,006
[crowd laughs]
520
00:25:09,007 --> 00:25:11,426
Like really hit him too, you know? Like...
521
00:25:11,968 --> 00:25:12,844
Like...
522
00:25:13,553 --> 00:25:16,139
knock his fucking teeth out of his mouth.
523
00:25:17,015 --> 00:25:18,266
But I didn't.
524
00:25:18,975 --> 00:25:20,100
I dropped him.
525
00:25:20,101 --> 00:25:22,102
[crowd laughs]
526
00:25:22,103 --> 00:25:23,522
I go, "You hungry?"
527
00:25:25,106 --> 00:25:26,358
"You thirsty?"
528
00:25:27,609 --> 00:25:29,068
"Is that why you did that?"
529
00:25:29,069 --> 00:25:31,154
[loud cheers and laughter]
530
00:25:36,284 --> 00:25:37,618
This kid is insane.
531
00:25:37,619 --> 00:25:40,371
I mean, he hates his real name.
532
00:25:40,372 --> 00:25:43,457
And this is something
that came about a few years ago.
533
00:25:43,458 --> 00:25:46,252
And when it first happened,
I got kind of nervous.
534
00:25:46,253 --> 00:25:48,087
I did what you do in those situations.
535
00:25:48,088 --> 00:25:51,173
I asked other parents, and they were like,
"It's just a phase."
536
00:25:51,174 --> 00:25:53,175
I go, "What?" "It's a little phase."
537
00:25:53,176 --> 00:25:54,718
"He's going through a phase."
538
00:25:54,719 --> 00:25:57,930
"A lot of kids don't like their names.
It'll end in a little bit."
539
00:25:57,931 --> 00:26:01,518
I was like, "It's a phase? Do you know
how long it's been? About three years."
540
00:26:02,394 --> 00:26:05,980
That isn't so much a phase
in my opinion as a new path.
541
00:26:05,981 --> 00:26:07,773
That's where I think we are.
542
00:26:07,774 --> 00:26:11,360
His birth name is Julian.
That's what we've always called him.
543
00:26:11,361 --> 00:26:13,696
And that's what he used to respond to
544
00:26:13,697 --> 00:26:16,907
because it's his fucking name, right?
545
00:26:16,908 --> 00:26:18,200
[crowd laughs]
546
00:26:18,201 --> 00:26:20,744
He would also respond to variations of it.
547
00:26:20,745 --> 00:26:22,830
Julian, Juju, Jujito,
548
00:26:22,831 --> 00:26:24,082
Julian.
549
00:26:25,333 --> 00:26:26,876
And he'd be like, "Mm-hmm."
550
00:26:27,752 --> 00:26:30,963
And then one day, about three years ago,
I was like, "Hey, Julian."
551
00:26:30,964 --> 00:26:33,966
He was like, "Don't ever call me that.
I hate that name."
552
00:26:33,967 --> 00:26:36,135
"When you say that name, I want to die."
553
00:26:36,136 --> 00:26:38,762
And I'm like, "Oh my God, okay."
554
00:26:38,763 --> 00:26:41,348
So now this kid will only talk to us
555
00:26:41,349 --> 00:26:44,977
if we call him by his self-imposed name,
556
00:26:44,978 --> 00:26:46,937
which, buckle up...
557
00:26:46,938 --> 00:26:48,606
[crowd laughs]
558
00:26:48,607 --> 00:26:50,232
...is "Teacher."
559
00:26:50,233 --> 00:26:52,319
[crowd laughing]
560
00:26:53,361 --> 00:26:55,780
Is there a creepier name...
561
00:26:56,656 --> 00:26:59,491
to use when addressing a small child?
562
00:26:59,492 --> 00:27:01,453
Like, "Hello, my teacher."
563
00:27:03,038 --> 00:27:06,040
Is this The Shining?
Because it feels like it.
564
00:27:06,041 --> 00:27:08,208
It feels like Jordan Peele's next movie.
565
00:27:08,209 --> 00:27:12,379
Like a fucking kid from the woods
that walks into town
566
00:27:12,380 --> 00:27:14,381
to follow Teacher and live long.
567
00:27:14,382 --> 00:27:15,884
And you're like, "Okay."
568
00:27:16,551 --> 00:27:17,635
You get it, right?
569
00:27:17,636 --> 00:27:22,265
I walk into my own house,
and I go, "Is Teacher here?"
570
00:27:23,308 --> 00:27:24,350
And he goes, "Yes."
571
00:27:24,351 --> 00:27:26,394
And I go, "Hello, sir."
572
00:27:27,228 --> 00:27:30,481
And people have the balls to ask me.
They're like, "Are you worried?"
573
00:27:30,482 --> 00:27:32,066
Of course I'm fucking worried.
574
00:27:32,067 --> 00:27:33,692
[crowd laughs]
575
00:27:33,693 --> 00:27:37,488
The only other person I know
that went by "Teacher" is Charles Manson.
576
00:27:37,489 --> 00:27:39,240
So yeah, I'm worried.
577
00:27:40,325 --> 00:27:42,243
He was a substitute teacher. Now...
578
00:27:43,078 --> 00:27:45,245
His older brother, he likes math.
579
00:27:45,246 --> 00:27:47,623
He likes video games.
He's an interesting kid.
580
00:27:47,624 --> 00:27:51,585
He also has the voice of somebody
who gargles with butane.
581
00:27:51,586 --> 00:27:53,837
I don't know what is happening.
582
00:27:53,838 --> 00:27:56,340
He's nine years old.
He's like, "What's up, bro?"
583
00:27:56,341 --> 00:27:57,550
I go, "Hey."
584
00:27:58,468 --> 00:28:00,804
"How's working in the mines? Is that fun?"
585
00:28:02,013 --> 00:28:05,099
He's also bananas. If I say,
"Let's go out," he's like, "All right."
586
00:28:05,100 --> 00:28:09,895
He'll come in the living room wearing
rain boots, tighty whities, and goggles.
587
00:28:09,896 --> 00:28:12,773
And I'm like,
"Are you on shrooms right now?"
588
00:28:12,774 --> 00:28:14,191
[crowd laughs]
589
00:28:14,192 --> 00:28:18,196
"The only place you can wear that
is a gay parade, and..."
590
00:28:18,822 --> 00:28:21,407
"No, it's cool if you are,
but there isn't one today."
591
00:28:21,408 --> 00:28:23,618
"So put some fucking clothes on, okay?"
592
00:28:24,994 --> 00:28:29,748
We took these two future subjects
of America's Most Wanted...
593
00:28:29,749 --> 00:28:31,333
[crowd laughs]
594
00:28:31,334 --> 00:28:34,545
Believe me,
the Menendez brothers don't have shit
595
00:28:34,546 --> 00:28:36,881
on the Segura brothers, okay?
596
00:28:38,299 --> 00:28:43,929
We took these little sociopaths to visit
my sister last Thanksgiving in Florida.
597
00:28:43,930 --> 00:28:47,725
And on Thanksgiving Day, we did
what a lot of families down there do.
598
00:28:47,726 --> 00:28:51,270
We just went on a family walk,
like a nice casual stroll.
599
00:28:51,271 --> 00:28:54,565
And on this family walk,
we ended up at a little pond.
600
00:28:54,566 --> 00:29:00,028
And at the pond, there were
other families feeding bread to ducks.
601
00:29:00,029 --> 00:29:02,197
It looked like a painting.
602
00:29:02,198 --> 00:29:05,617
And I remember,
as we approached, thinking to myself,
603
00:29:05,618 --> 00:29:09,204
"I wonder how my boys will ruin this."
604
00:29:09,205 --> 00:29:10,999
- Right?
- [crowd laughs]
605
00:29:11,875 --> 00:29:14,251
So we walk up, and this guy sees me.
606
00:29:14,252 --> 00:29:16,211
He goes, "Hey, man, you want some bread?"
607
00:29:16,212 --> 00:29:17,546
I go, "Yeah, thanks, dude."
608
00:29:17,547 --> 00:29:21,383
And then I turn to fucking Teacher.
609
00:29:21,384 --> 00:29:23,470
[crowd laughing]
610
00:29:34,481 --> 00:29:36,483
[cheers and applause rising]
611
00:29:42,739 --> 00:29:44,324
I go, "Hey, Teach."
612
00:29:45,784 --> 00:29:47,827
"Bread?" And he goes, "Give me that."
613
00:29:48,703 --> 00:29:51,747
He's just throwing it as hard as he can.
I'm like, "All right."
614
00:29:51,748 --> 00:29:53,791
Then I turned to his brother.
"Here you go."
615
00:29:53,792 --> 00:29:55,376
He goes, "I don't want that."
616
00:29:56,127 --> 00:29:59,297
I go, "What?"
He goes, "I don't need that."
617
00:30:00,715 --> 00:30:01,840
Happy Thanksgiving.
618
00:30:01,841 --> 00:30:03,050
[crowd laughs]
619
00:30:03,051 --> 00:30:06,512
And then he just walks up
to the edge of the water,
620
00:30:06,513 --> 00:30:08,806
and he grabs a duck by the neck.
621
00:30:08,807 --> 00:30:10,474
[crowd laughs]
622
00:30:10,475 --> 00:30:14,312
And he holds it up
like he's Genghis Khan, okay? He's like...
623
00:30:17,065 --> 00:30:19,149
You know, the duck is like... [gruff quack]
624
00:30:19,150 --> 00:30:20,734
[crowd laughs]
625
00:30:20,735 --> 00:30:21,820
[shrill quacking]
626
00:30:23,655 --> 00:30:25,864
I look at Teacher, and Teacher's like...
627
00:30:25,865 --> 00:30:27,951
[crowd laughs]
628
00:30:29,661 --> 00:30:32,079
I go, "What are you doing?"
He goes, "We can cook it."
629
00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:33,331
I go, "No, no."
630
00:30:34,207 --> 00:30:36,000
"We're all set today, pal."
631
00:30:36,543 --> 00:30:39,170
He goes, "Can I keep it?"
I go, "Of course not."
632
00:30:39,712 --> 00:30:41,381
He goes, "You're never fun."
633
00:30:42,465 --> 00:30:44,174
I go, "Let it go."
634
00:30:44,175 --> 00:30:45,843
And he goes, "Oh."
635
00:30:45,844 --> 00:30:49,721
And then I turn and I see
all the other parents who are like...
636
00:30:49,722 --> 00:30:51,808
- [gasps harshly]
- [crowd laughing]
637
00:30:52,475 --> 00:30:55,645
I go, "He's a foster kid.
They're bad, you know?"
638
00:30:56,604 --> 00:30:59,106
We're trying to make him good
for you guys.
639
00:30:59,107 --> 00:31:01,608
Yeah, well...
640
00:31:01,609 --> 00:31:03,569
- [cheering]
- You know...
641
00:31:03,570 --> 00:31:05,655
[cheers and whistling]
642
00:31:06,781 --> 00:31:09,742
"We got him in Ukraine.
He's been a handful." Um...
643
00:31:10,535 --> 00:31:12,703
[cackles] He's blonde. They bought it.
644
00:31:12,704 --> 00:31:14,288
[crowd laughs]
645
00:31:14,289 --> 00:31:17,749
This tour has been a lot of fun.
We've gone to a lot of fun places.
646
00:31:17,750 --> 00:31:21,044
You learn things sometimes
when you travel. You pick up on things.
647
00:31:21,045 --> 00:31:26,758
A few weeks ago, we were in Augusta,
Georgia, the Coke Zero of their cities.
648
00:31:26,759 --> 00:31:27,886
- And...
- [crowd laughs]
649
00:31:29,137 --> 00:31:31,805
Augusta is quite famous,
if you don't know.
650
00:31:31,806 --> 00:31:33,765
It's the home of Augusta National,
651
00:31:33,766 --> 00:31:36,059
which is a country club and golf course
652
00:31:36,060 --> 00:31:40,272
where they play arguably
the most famous tournament in all of golf,
653
00:31:40,273 --> 00:31:43,151
appropriately titled, "The Masters."
654
00:31:43,693 --> 00:31:47,237
It's a curious name choice
for the deep South.
655
00:31:47,238 --> 00:31:48,196
Now...
656
00:31:48,197 --> 00:31:50,283
[crowd laughing]
657
00:31:51,492 --> 00:31:54,453
Perhaps a different pronunciation
when they named it?
658
00:31:54,454 --> 00:31:55,662
Mm-massa.
659
00:31:55,663 --> 00:31:57,165
- So...
- [crowd laughs]
660
00:31:58,166 --> 00:31:59,834
I didn't name it. It was built...
661
00:32:01,252 --> 00:32:04,546
The club was built in 1933
662
00:32:04,547 --> 00:32:07,842
by what I would call top-shelf whites.
663
00:32:09,302 --> 00:32:10,761
The whitest whites.
664
00:32:10,762 --> 00:32:14,431
Whites so white, they sang white songs
during their backswings.
665
00:32:14,432 --> 00:32:16,516
Like... I'm white
666
00:32:16,517 --> 00:32:18,393
[crowd laughs]
667
00:32:18,394 --> 00:32:21,563
No rhythm or flow,
more of a statement, you know?
668
00:32:21,564 --> 00:32:23,815
Now, the club is also notorious
669
00:32:23,816 --> 00:32:27,611
for having a very exclusionary past.
670
00:32:27,612 --> 00:32:30,614
They are not a big fan of "others."
671
00:32:30,615 --> 00:32:35,160
So... we spent all day there,
and I decided to look it up.
672
00:32:35,161 --> 00:32:40,123
I looked up, "When did they let in
their first Black member?"
673
00:32:40,124 --> 00:32:43,877
And I'll give you guys a hint.
It's later than you think.
674
00:32:43,878 --> 00:32:45,296
[crowd laughs]
675
00:32:46,381 --> 00:32:47,464
Are you ready?
676
00:32:47,465 --> 00:32:49,466
1990.
677
00:32:49,467 --> 00:32:50,759
[crowd groans]
678
00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:52,511
Yeah, they waited.
679
00:32:52,512 --> 00:32:54,513
- [crowd laughs]
- They were like...
680
00:32:54,514 --> 00:32:58,433
[in Southern accent] "Maybe things'll go
back to the way they were. I don't know."
681
00:32:58,434 --> 00:33:00,395
"You don't want to act too fast."
682
00:33:01,604 --> 00:33:04,106
"You don't put on a raincoat
just 'cause it's drizzlin'."
683
00:33:04,107 --> 00:33:05,857
"You know what I'm saying, brother?"
684
00:33:05,858 --> 00:33:07,442
[crowd laughs]
685
00:33:07,443 --> 00:33:09,529
[Tom chuckles]
686
00:33:10,238 --> 00:33:15,242
[no accent] Then I looked up, "When did
they let in their first female member?"
687
00:33:15,243 --> 00:33:16,703
[blows raspberry]
688
00:33:17,870 --> 00:33:19,037
2012.
689
00:33:19,038 --> 00:33:20,914
[crowd laughs]
690
00:33:20,915 --> 00:33:24,001
That's how much women ruin
a good time for men.
691
00:33:24,002 --> 00:33:25,586
[crowd laughing]
692
00:33:26,379 --> 00:33:28,381
[cheers and applause]
693
00:33:31,509 --> 00:33:32,551
[Tom scoffs]
694
00:33:32,552 --> 00:33:33,969
I mean, you get it, right?
695
00:33:33,970 --> 00:33:38,515
They went to the most racist guys
in our country.
696
00:33:38,516 --> 00:33:42,936
Guys who their whole lives
was just about hating Black people
697
00:33:42,937 --> 00:33:45,105
with everything inside of them.
698
00:33:45,106 --> 00:33:48,650
And when those guys
were presented with the question,
699
00:33:48,651 --> 00:33:52,946
"Whom would you rather hang out with?"
700
00:33:52,947 --> 00:33:55,033
[scattered laughter]
701
00:33:57,410 --> 00:34:00,078
[in Southern accent] "Black guys...
702
00:34:00,079 --> 00:34:01,497
or women?"
703
00:34:01,998 --> 00:34:04,708
They were like,
"Mmm... Give us all the Blacks you got."
704
00:34:04,709 --> 00:34:06,043
[crowd laughs]
705
00:34:06,044 --> 00:34:09,297
"We will learn their fancy handshakes.
I don't give a fuck."
706
00:34:10,214 --> 00:34:14,801
"I don't want some broad yapping
in my ear, ruining my Sunday round."
707
00:34:14,802 --> 00:34:17,512
"Uh-uh. Come on, Jermaine,
let me show you how we do this."
708
00:34:17,513 --> 00:34:19,931
[crowd laughing and whooping]
709
00:34:19,932 --> 00:34:21,141
"Get you a tee."
710
00:34:21,142 --> 00:34:23,227
[cheers and applause]
711
00:34:26,230 --> 00:34:29,859
"What's with all the dancing?
You gonna do that after every hole?"
712
00:34:35,239 --> 00:34:37,742
"I got me a birdie." All right, so...
713
00:34:39,368 --> 00:34:40,995
[no accent] Are you... [laughs]
714
00:34:42,371 --> 00:34:45,332
Are you fans of documentaries?
Do you like watching them?
715
00:34:45,333 --> 00:34:46,875
Because I...
716
00:34:46,876 --> 00:34:48,960
[scattered cheers]
717
00:34:48,961 --> 00:34:50,003
I love them.
718
00:34:50,004 --> 00:34:54,633
I love being filled with the confidence
of surface-level knowledge
719
00:34:54,634 --> 00:34:57,761
without the burden of reading, you know?
720
00:34:57,762 --> 00:35:00,430
And so I've lost track.
I've seen so many now.
721
00:35:00,431 --> 00:35:02,349
Sometimes they're quite informative.
722
00:35:02,350 --> 00:35:04,267
Other times they're just amusing.
723
00:35:04,268 --> 00:35:06,645
I mean, the funniest thing
I've seen in a year
724
00:35:06,646 --> 00:35:09,606
is a Netflix documentary series
called Untold,
725
00:35:09,607 --> 00:35:12,317
which focuses on sports stories, yeah.
726
00:35:12,318 --> 00:35:14,361
And there's one in particular on there.
727
00:35:14,362 --> 00:35:16,947
It's about a guy named Johnny Manziel.
728
00:35:16,948 --> 00:35:18,532
- Now...
- [scattered whooping]
729
00:35:18,533 --> 00:35:23,120
If you're in this theater
and you do not know who Johnny Manziel is,
730
00:35:23,121 --> 00:35:25,831
I will now use my time to tell you.
731
00:35:25,832 --> 00:35:27,499
[crowd laughs]
732
00:35:27,500 --> 00:35:31,878
Johnny Manziel is the first
and only redshirt freshman
733
00:35:31,879 --> 00:35:33,964
to win the Heisman Trophy.
734
00:35:33,965 --> 00:35:36,299
That's the highest honor
in college football.
735
00:35:36,300 --> 00:35:38,260
It goes to the nation's best player.
736
00:35:38,261 --> 00:35:40,345
Redshirt freshman simply means
737
00:35:40,346 --> 00:35:43,765
he was 18 months removed from high school
738
00:35:43,766 --> 00:35:46,726
when he didn't just play this sport,
he dominated it.
739
00:35:46,727 --> 00:35:50,272
And when you watch this documentary,
you will learn that he did this
740
00:35:50,273 --> 00:35:53,692
while mostly high and drunk.
Like, pretty fucked up.
741
00:35:53,693 --> 00:35:54,818
[crowd laughs]
742
00:35:54,819 --> 00:36:00,365
The best is they interview all his former
shit-kicking Texas-based coaches,
743
00:36:00,366 --> 00:36:04,370
who are like, "Yeah, man, he would
come to practice. He'd be all shit-faced."
744
00:36:05,496 --> 00:36:08,583
And we would say,
"Johnny, you better not fuck this up."
745
00:36:09,750 --> 00:36:13,003
"And then he didn't. He was awesome."
And you're like, wait, what?
746
00:36:13,004 --> 00:36:14,672
- [crowd laughs]
- [Tom scoffing]
747
00:36:15,464 --> 00:36:20,760
He was playing nationally televised games
every Saturday with millions of viewers,
748
00:36:20,761 --> 00:36:24,598
either drunk, high, or hungover,
just on the sidelines.
749
00:36:24,599 --> 00:36:26,058
[retching]
750
00:36:26,726 --> 00:36:28,769
And his coaches are like, "Johnny!"
751
00:36:29,478 --> 00:36:31,980
And he was like,
"Watch this shit, six touchdowns."
752
00:36:31,981 --> 00:36:33,816
You're like, "Holy shit!"
753
00:36:34,734 --> 00:36:36,903
"Give him more drugs. This is working."
754
00:36:38,237 --> 00:36:39,404
He wins the Heisman.
755
00:36:39,405 --> 00:36:42,324
Sophomore year,
he comes back, he's trying new things,
756
00:36:42,325 --> 00:36:44,868
he's sprinkling dust on his shit,
you know?
757
00:36:44,869 --> 00:36:47,329
He's evolving. He plays amazing.
758
00:36:47,330 --> 00:36:49,789
Again, he almost wins it back-to-back.
759
00:36:49,790 --> 00:36:52,209
Then he goes into the NFL
to play professionally.
760
00:36:52,210 --> 00:36:54,211
And they're like,
"You need to clean up your act."
761
00:36:54,212 --> 00:36:56,421
And he was like,
"I don't wanna play football anymore."
762
00:36:56,422 --> 00:36:58,381
And... that's the whole story.
763
00:36:58,382 --> 00:36:59,299
Now...
764
00:36:59,300 --> 00:37:01,135
[crowd laughs]
765
00:37:01,802 --> 00:37:04,137
To me, his story is more than that,
766
00:37:04,138 --> 00:37:06,139
because for me, in my personal life,
767
00:37:06,140 --> 00:37:11,144
I use his story as one that...
where I can see I've evolved some.
768
00:37:11,145 --> 00:37:13,355
See, I used to judge him very harshly.
769
00:37:13,356 --> 00:37:14,522
A lot of people do.
770
00:37:14,523 --> 00:37:16,900
All they see is a blown opportunity.
771
00:37:16,901 --> 00:37:20,028
But the older I've gotten,
I see it through a different lens.
772
00:37:20,029 --> 00:37:23,823
I realize that's a lot of pressure
for a young man to have.
773
00:37:23,824 --> 00:37:27,577
A lot of people in their thirties,
forties, and fifties can't handle that,
774
00:37:27,578 --> 00:37:29,579
let alone a freshman in college.
775
00:37:29,580 --> 00:37:32,499
You know, the celebrity,
the fame, the money...
776
00:37:32,500 --> 00:37:35,335
And so now I do the thing
that you do if you can.
777
00:37:35,336 --> 00:37:38,838
You put yourself in someone else's shoes.
And I can do that.
778
00:37:38,839 --> 00:37:41,132
I was once a freshman in college.
779
00:37:41,133 --> 00:37:44,302
I wasn't dominating college football.
780
00:37:44,303 --> 00:37:47,514
I was going to class,
and I was working part-time
781
00:37:47,515 --> 00:37:49,975
at a shopping cart manufacturer.
782
00:37:49,976 --> 00:37:51,601
[crowd laughs]
783
00:37:51,602 --> 00:37:53,938
A place that makes shopping carts.
784
00:37:54,981 --> 00:37:56,398
Here's how cool that job was.
785
00:37:56,399 --> 00:37:59,776
I went in there once on a Monday,
and I went up to my boss.
786
00:37:59,777 --> 00:38:02,279
I go, "I think I'm gonna quit on Friday."
787
00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:04,823
And he goes, "Yeah, a lot of people do."
788
00:38:04,824 --> 00:38:06,867
[crowd laughing]
789
00:38:07,368 --> 00:38:08,244
Okay.
790
00:38:08,744 --> 00:38:12,247
And then on Friday, he goes,
"Yeah, you're done." I go, "Okay, great."
791
00:38:12,248 --> 00:38:15,083
Then he tells me,
"Hey, kid, a lot of people here like you."
792
00:38:15,084 --> 00:38:19,212
"Let's go to the bar down the street and
we'll toast you to whatever you do next."
793
00:38:19,213 --> 00:38:21,465
I go, "Okay, I'm underage,
but let's do it."
794
00:38:22,341 --> 00:38:24,843
So we went, you know.
People from the office came.
795
00:38:24,844 --> 00:38:25,885
They were so nice.
796
00:38:25,886 --> 00:38:29,180
They gave me good luck cards,
little gifts and such.
797
00:38:29,181 --> 00:38:34,352
And then one of them gave me
a bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey,
798
00:38:34,353 --> 00:38:38,398
which was definitely meant
to be a parting gift.
799
00:38:38,399 --> 00:38:40,483
You know, like, "Take this with you."
800
00:38:40,484 --> 00:38:43,194
And I was like,
"I'll just drink it here at the bar."
801
00:38:43,195 --> 00:38:45,947
- [crowd laughs]
- Bartender's like, "You can't do that."
802
00:38:45,948 --> 00:38:48,366
I go, "I can't hear you."
I'm just gonna do it.
803
00:38:48,367 --> 00:38:51,953
How can I make fun of Johnny
for not being able to handle millions?
804
00:38:51,954 --> 00:38:54,457
I can't handle
a free fucking bottle of booze.
805
00:38:55,124 --> 00:38:58,710
And let me tell you something,
if you don't drink whiskey, if you start...
806
00:38:58,711 --> 00:39:01,755
If you tip back the bottle
three or four times,
807
00:39:01,756 --> 00:39:03,131
your brain actually goes,
808
00:39:03,132 --> 00:39:06,676
"Hey, there's too many lights on in here."
809
00:39:06,677 --> 00:39:08,345
Beep, bop, boop.
810
00:39:08,346 --> 00:39:10,431
[crowd laughs]
811
00:39:11,307 --> 00:39:13,308
And you go, "I wanna do bad shit."
812
00:39:13,309 --> 00:39:15,560
[crowd laughing]
813
00:39:15,561 --> 00:39:18,563
I started taking people's change
that was on the bar.
814
00:39:18,564 --> 00:39:20,607
I was like, "That's my shit, fuck you."
815
00:39:20,608 --> 00:39:22,567
[crowd laughs]
816
00:39:22,568 --> 00:39:26,196
My friends were like, "Hey, calm down."
I go, "You fucking calm down."
817
00:39:26,197 --> 00:39:28,531
Then I ended up going home with a lady
818
00:39:28,532 --> 00:39:31,743
who had a most unfortunate face.
819
00:39:31,744 --> 00:39:32,702
Yeah.
820
00:39:32,703 --> 00:39:34,162
[crowd laughs]
821
00:39:34,163 --> 00:39:38,124
You think I'm being mean, but I know
I'm being honest. That's why we're here.
822
00:39:38,125 --> 00:39:39,376
[scattered laughter]
823
00:39:39,377 --> 00:39:41,378
I blacked out, thankfully.
824
00:39:41,379 --> 00:39:44,214
Um... Some of you never blacked out.
825
00:39:44,215 --> 00:39:47,258
Congratulations
on your healthy lifestyle choices.
826
00:39:47,259 --> 00:39:50,470
But... the rest of us know it is horrifying.
827
00:39:50,471 --> 00:39:53,139
I mean, I remember
I woke up that next morning.
828
00:39:53,140 --> 00:39:55,101
I was looking out a window
829
00:39:55,810 --> 00:39:58,771
into a yard I didn't recognize.
830
00:40:00,064 --> 00:40:02,149
And I was like, "Where am I?"
831
00:40:02,775 --> 00:40:04,651
"And what is this?"
832
00:40:04,652 --> 00:40:06,194
[crowd laughs]
833
00:40:06,195 --> 00:40:10,740
And then I turned over,
and this fucking gargoyle appeared.
834
00:40:10,741 --> 00:40:12,325
[crowd laughs]
835
00:40:12,326 --> 00:40:14,578
And I audibly gasped
836
00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:16,622
in her face.
837
00:40:17,415 --> 00:40:20,125
You understand?
Like, I'm here. And I went... "Ohh!"
838
00:40:20,126 --> 00:40:22,210
[crowd laughs]
839
00:40:22,211 --> 00:40:23,546
Ahh!
840
00:40:24,505 --> 00:40:27,590
And she was used to it.
She was like, "I know. I know."
841
00:40:27,591 --> 00:40:30,051
[crowd laughing]
842
00:40:30,052 --> 00:40:32,221
"You're not the first fella to do that."
843
00:40:33,264 --> 00:40:37,976
She looked like Bill Belichick,
the former... Patriots coach.
844
00:40:37,977 --> 00:40:41,063
Picture him
with shoulder-length, brown hair.
845
00:40:42,106 --> 00:40:43,858
Same face, same body.
846
00:40:44,525 --> 00:40:47,862
I was like, "Put the fucking hoodie on.
I don't want to see this."
847
00:40:48,362 --> 00:40:52,532
And then I left there, you guys,
feeling tremendous shame.
848
00:40:52,533 --> 00:40:54,576
I told you I was a freshman in college.
849
00:40:54,577 --> 00:40:56,703
I was taking Psychology 101.
850
00:40:56,704 --> 00:41:00,165
We had talked about shame. You know
what they teach you about shame?
851
00:41:00,166 --> 00:41:03,710
They teach you
that shame thrives in secret.
852
00:41:03,711 --> 00:41:05,712
If you feel shame about anything,
853
00:41:05,713 --> 00:41:08,381
you should confide it
in at least one other person
854
00:41:08,382 --> 00:41:10,550
to help release the feeling.
855
00:41:10,551 --> 00:41:13,303
But if you keep it inside,
it festers and grows,
856
00:41:13,304 --> 00:41:14,721
and it can consume you.
857
00:41:14,722 --> 00:41:18,642
And I remember thinking back then,
"How fascinating."
858
00:41:20,019 --> 00:41:22,730
"I feel shame and I know what to do."
859
00:41:23,439 --> 00:41:24,482
"Tell someone."
860
00:41:25,399 --> 00:41:27,734
And then I thought, "Fuck that."
861
00:41:27,735 --> 00:41:29,444
[crowd laughs]
862
00:41:29,445 --> 00:41:33,991
"I will die with this secret...
and bury it under pizza."
863
00:41:34,825 --> 00:41:36,326
And as I was doing that,
864
00:41:36,327 --> 00:41:40,955
I remember getting a call from a guy
who was at that bar the night before.
865
00:41:40,956 --> 00:41:44,292
He goes, "Hey, man,
where did you go after the bar?"
866
00:41:44,293 --> 00:41:46,253
And I said, "I went home."
867
00:41:47,254 --> 00:41:49,214
And he goes, "Did ya?"
868
00:41:49,215 --> 00:41:51,300
[crowd laughs]
869
00:41:51,884 --> 00:41:52,759
I go, "Yeah."
870
00:41:52,760 --> 00:41:54,595
He goes, "I don't think you did."
871
00:41:55,304 --> 00:41:56,596
I go, "No, I did."
872
00:41:56,597 --> 00:41:58,640
And he goes, "Mm, you didn't."
873
00:41:58,641 --> 00:42:00,433
[crowd laughs]
874
00:42:00,434 --> 00:42:03,811
I go, "What are you talking about?"
He goes, "We can stop doing this."
875
00:42:03,812 --> 00:42:06,773
"I'll tell you what you did."
I go, "Okay, what did I do?"
876
00:42:06,774 --> 00:42:10,860
And he goes, "Dude, you fucked my aunt."
877
00:42:10,861 --> 00:42:12,947
[crowd groaning and laughing]
878
00:42:17,326 --> 00:42:19,328
[crowd reactions rising]
879
00:42:21,580 --> 00:42:23,916
[cheers and applause]
880
00:42:29,046 --> 00:42:31,297
I say, "Your aunt is Bill Belichick?"
881
00:42:31,298 --> 00:42:32,924
[crowd laughs]
882
00:42:32,925 --> 00:42:34,385
He goes, "Yeah."
883
00:42:35,219 --> 00:42:38,430
I didn't know what to say,
so I just said, "I'm sorry."
884
00:42:39,473 --> 00:42:41,183
He goes, "No, I'm sorry."
885
00:42:42,101 --> 00:42:44,310
He goes,
"I don't wanna fuck any of my aunts,
886
00:42:44,311 --> 00:42:47,814
but Bill is definitely last on that list."
887
00:42:47,815 --> 00:42:48,898
[chuckles]
888
00:42:48,899 --> 00:42:50,651
I switched to weed that day.
889
00:42:52,152 --> 00:42:56,197
Sometimes you watch documentaries,
and it's a whole different experience.
890
00:42:56,198 --> 00:42:57,699
Like, it's just enlightening.
891
00:42:57,700 --> 00:43:00,326
You get information
that you can't let go of.
892
00:43:00,327 --> 00:43:02,120
It just sits in your mind.
893
00:43:02,121 --> 00:43:04,789
You tell people about it.
It's in your dreams.
894
00:43:04,790 --> 00:43:08,626
I mean, I watched one not long ago
that if I had not watched it,
895
00:43:08,627 --> 00:43:13,715
I would have no idea
how much cocaine Hitler did.
896
00:43:13,716 --> 00:43:15,508
- [crowd laughs]
- No idea.
897
00:43:15,509 --> 00:43:18,052
Like, everybody knows
the Third Reich was on meth.
898
00:43:18,053 --> 00:43:21,222
You know that, right?
The entire German army.
899
00:43:21,223 --> 00:43:24,517
They were on meth during World War II.
Picture that.
900
00:43:24,518 --> 00:43:28,104
A hundred thousand German soldiers
901
00:43:28,105 --> 00:43:30,440
marching through the Ardennes Forest.
902
00:43:30,441 --> 00:43:34,485
Supposed to take six days,
and they did it in 28 minutes.
903
00:43:34,486 --> 00:43:35,695
That's meth.
904
00:43:35,696 --> 00:43:37,655
[crowd laughs]
905
00:43:37,656 --> 00:43:39,949
Imagine you're sitting
in a cabin in Belgium
906
00:43:39,950 --> 00:43:41,868
just drinking fucking milk, I guess...
907
00:43:41,869 --> 00:43:43,954
[speaking French]
908
00:43:44,830 --> 00:43:46,456
And you hear... [shouts in German]
909
00:43:46,457 --> 00:43:48,459
And you're like, "Holy shit."
910
00:43:49,126 --> 00:43:50,043
[speaking French]
911
00:43:50,044 --> 00:43:53,839
I mean, that's meth... You been around
somebody on meth? I have. It's unsettling.
912
00:43:54,923 --> 00:43:57,592
They never stop talking.
They want to fuck everything.
913
00:43:57,593 --> 00:43:58,885
And those are Americans.
914
00:43:58,886 --> 00:44:02,764
Can you imagine what these kinky-ass
Germans were like? Just...
915
00:44:02,765 --> 00:44:03,848
[crowd laughs]
916
00:44:03,849 --> 00:44:05,099
Mmm...
917
00:44:05,100 --> 00:44:07,185
"Oh... I want you to suck me dry--"
918
00:44:07,186 --> 00:44:08,103
"Hey!"
919
00:44:09,563 --> 00:44:11,106
"Gunther, back off."
920
00:44:12,691 --> 00:44:15,526
Now, Hitler did meth too.
It's very well documented.
921
00:44:15,527 --> 00:44:20,823
A lot of people don't know
he was given cocaine in the mornings
922
00:44:20,824 --> 00:44:22,992
by his personal doctor.
923
00:44:22,993 --> 00:44:27,372
Like, you think Michael Jackson's doctor
was out of line?
924
00:44:27,373 --> 00:44:29,624
That was propofol to go to sleep.
925
00:44:29,625 --> 00:44:31,918
That's JV shit, okay?
926
00:44:31,919 --> 00:44:33,920
Like, "I want to go to sleep."
927
00:44:33,921 --> 00:44:35,088
"Oh, fuck."
928
00:44:35,089 --> 00:44:37,174
[crowd laughs]
929
00:44:37,716 --> 00:44:41,719
Hitler would wake up,
and then his doctor was like,
930
00:44:41,720 --> 00:44:44,263
"Good morning, my Führer." And fucking...
931
00:44:44,264 --> 00:44:45,598
[snorts]
932
00:44:45,599 --> 00:44:48,518
And then he was like, "Ah, Jews!"
933
00:44:48,519 --> 00:44:50,604
[crowd laughing]
934
00:44:52,022 --> 00:44:57,819
Dude, to start your day with an eight ball
and a heart full of hatred is wild.
935
00:44:57,820 --> 00:44:59,279
[crowd laughs]
936
00:44:59,905 --> 00:45:01,531
Here's what I really want to know.
937
00:45:01,532 --> 00:45:04,952
Why am I learning about this at 46?
938
00:45:05,744 --> 00:45:07,870
I feel like
every little kid should know this.
939
00:45:07,871 --> 00:45:10,748
Kindergartners should come
up to all of us and be like,
940
00:45:10,749 --> 00:45:12,834
"You know how much cocaine Hitler did?"
941
00:45:12,835 --> 00:45:14,293
[crowd laughs]
942
00:45:14,294 --> 00:45:17,338
You don't think that's
the best deterrent story for a kid?
943
00:45:17,339 --> 00:45:18,548
I do.
944
00:45:18,549 --> 00:45:20,842
When I was a kid,
they'd go, "Don't do coke."
945
00:45:20,843 --> 00:45:22,301
And you'd go, "Why?"
946
00:45:22,302 --> 00:45:24,637
And they're like,
"That's what rock stars do."
947
00:45:24,638 --> 00:45:26,597
And you're like, "Oh, okay."
948
00:45:26,598 --> 00:45:28,224
[crowd laughs]
949
00:45:28,225 --> 00:45:30,810
"You mean like Slash and Eric Clapton?"
950
00:45:30,811 --> 00:45:33,980
And they're like,
"Yes, they're up till 6:00 a.m.,
951
00:45:33,981 --> 00:45:36,107
and they're shaving their bodies..."
952
00:45:36,108 --> 00:45:37,066
[chuckles]
953
00:45:37,067 --> 00:45:38,901
[crowd laughs]
954
00:45:38,902 --> 00:45:40,779
"...and they're fucking girls."
955
00:45:41,655 --> 00:45:44,908
"Is that what you want to do?"
And you'd be like, "Boo!"
956
00:45:46,493 --> 00:45:49,328
"Anybody else do coke?"
"Yeah, Martin Scorsese."
957
00:45:49,329 --> 00:45:51,623
You're like,
"Yeah, that fucking worked out."
958
00:45:52,416 --> 00:45:53,583
"How about a bad guy?"
959
00:45:53,584 --> 00:45:55,377
"Uh-uh, we don't have any."
960
00:45:56,003 --> 00:45:58,755
Well, there is this one.
I don't know if you've heard of him.
961
00:45:58,756 --> 00:46:03,010
His name is Adolf fucking Hitler.
962
00:46:03,594 --> 00:46:05,636
He was doing mountains of coke.
963
00:46:05,637 --> 00:46:09,724
By the way, he was having the same
dumb conversations your friends have.
964
00:46:09,725 --> 00:46:11,726
He was just having them about war.
965
00:46:11,727 --> 00:46:15,397
He was like,
"We should go to Stalingrad in December."
966
00:46:16,857 --> 00:46:18,859
[crowd laughing]
967
00:46:20,360 --> 00:46:23,154
"Haha, and we'll fuck them up, hahaha!"
968
00:46:23,155 --> 00:46:24,989
[crowd laughing]
969
00:46:24,990 --> 00:46:27,867
"Hey! Look at my mustache.
I cut off the sides."
970
00:46:27,868 --> 00:46:29,953
[crowd laughs]
971
00:46:31,246 --> 00:46:32,872
[cheers rising]
972
00:46:32,873 --> 00:46:35,083
[cheers and applause]
973
00:46:39,379 --> 00:46:42,049
"You guys want to see my art?
It's pretty good."
974
00:46:43,592 --> 00:46:46,093
"It's mostly me choking ducks.
Look at this shit."
975
00:46:46,094 --> 00:46:47,595
[crowd laughs]
976
00:46:47,596 --> 00:46:49,472
"You think Mussolini likes me?"
977
00:46:49,473 --> 00:46:50,933
All right, well...
978
00:46:51,767 --> 00:46:54,269
No, it should be said.
He was a real knucklehead.
979
00:46:55,354 --> 00:46:56,688
[stifling chuckle]
980
00:46:57,940 --> 00:46:59,774
Cool accent, though. Ja!
981
00:46:59,775 --> 00:47:01,860
[crowd laughs]
982
00:47:02,486 --> 00:47:05,029
See, I've always had
a fascination with languages.
983
00:47:05,030 --> 00:47:08,449
So, if you don't know,
half my family is from South America.
984
00:47:08,450 --> 00:47:11,619
They're from Peru.
I've been going there... Yeah.
985
00:47:11,620 --> 00:47:14,664
- [crowd cheering]
- I've been going there my whole life.
986
00:47:14,665 --> 00:47:17,166
My relatives have been
visiting me my whole life.
987
00:47:17,167 --> 00:47:19,210
Did you know that every time
988
00:47:19,211 --> 00:47:23,130
one of my 288 cousins comes to visit me,
989
00:47:23,131 --> 00:47:25,842
they always say
the same sentence incorrectly,
990
00:47:25,843 --> 00:47:27,552
and they have for over 30 years.
991
00:47:27,553 --> 00:47:31,055
One of them... during their visit,
one of them will come up to me and go...
992
00:47:31,056 --> 00:47:34,851
[in Peruvian accent] "Tommy.
Um... I have to, uh... make a shit."
993
00:47:34,852 --> 00:47:37,270
[crowd laughs]
994
00:47:37,271 --> 00:47:38,856
And I go, "I understand."
995
00:47:39,898 --> 00:47:42,400
If you speak any Spanish,
you realize what's happening.
996
00:47:42,401 --> 00:47:44,443
It's a literal translation.
997
00:47:44,444 --> 00:47:47,780
Because in Spanish, you would say,
"hacer," which is "to make,"
998
00:47:47,781 --> 00:47:52,785
which, to be fair to all Spanish speakers,
it is exactly what you are doing.
999
00:47:52,786 --> 00:47:56,373
You are, in fact, making shit.
1000
00:47:57,916 --> 00:48:00,668
I always correct them to be polite.
"We don't say that here."
1001
00:48:00,669 --> 00:48:03,171
"Here, we say I have to take...
1002
00:48:05,424 --> 00:48:06,425
a shit."
1003
00:48:07,509 --> 00:48:09,510
And they always go, "Why?"
1004
00:48:09,511 --> 00:48:11,470
[crowd laughs]
1005
00:48:11,471 --> 00:48:13,598
"I will not take it anywhere."
1006
00:48:13,599 --> 00:48:15,684
[crowd laughs]
1007
00:48:16,310 --> 00:48:18,645
I go, "Yeah, your logic is sound, but...
1008
00:48:19,605 --> 00:48:22,440
if you keep saying,
'I'm making shit in the toilet,'
1009
00:48:22,441 --> 00:48:25,444
someone's gonna call the cops,
so just follow my lead."
1010
00:48:27,654 --> 00:48:31,240
See, if you're at this show,
you speak the world's language.
1011
00:48:31,241 --> 00:48:33,868
The world's language is English.
1012
00:48:33,869 --> 00:48:38,039
Most of you, like me,
did absolutely nothing to learn it.
1013
00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:39,206
You were just born.
1014
00:48:39,207 --> 00:48:43,294
And the rest of the world tries so hard
1015
00:48:43,295 --> 00:48:46,088
just to communicate with us,
1016
00:48:46,089 --> 00:48:48,966
just to participate with us,
1017
00:48:48,967 --> 00:48:51,719
and then we mock them
to their face for trying.
1018
00:48:51,720 --> 00:48:53,054
[crowd laughs]
1019
00:48:53,055 --> 00:48:56,807
Isn't that great? The whole world goes,
"Um, how do you say..."
1020
00:48:56,808 --> 00:48:58,517
and we go... [babbling]
1021
00:48:58,518 --> 00:49:00,603
[crowd laughs]
1022
00:49:00,604 --> 00:49:02,271
"Listen to this fucking idiot."
1023
00:49:02,272 --> 00:49:03,648
[crowd laughs]
1024
00:49:03,649 --> 00:49:05,317
Like you did something.
1025
00:49:05,859 --> 00:49:08,820
"I do not know..." [babbling]
1026
00:49:09,988 --> 00:49:11,281
"Shut up, stupid."
1027
00:49:12,032 --> 00:49:13,951
It's like his eighth language.
1028
00:49:14,952 --> 00:49:17,578
Some redneck's like,
"You don't fucking talk good."
1029
00:49:17,579 --> 00:49:20,414
"Fucking don't talk so much."
And you're like, "Yeah."
1030
00:49:20,415 --> 00:49:22,250
"Yeah, what he said, for sure."
1031
00:49:22,876 --> 00:49:24,502
You can do that if you want.
1032
00:49:24,503 --> 00:49:27,505
You can mock people
who have not mastered what you have.
1033
00:49:27,506 --> 00:49:30,633
It's rude. With language,
you're gonna hurt people's feelings.
1034
00:49:30,634 --> 00:49:33,886
You know what everybody enjoys everywhere?
I swear, everywhere.
1035
00:49:33,887 --> 00:49:35,888
If you can do an accent well,
1036
00:49:35,889 --> 00:49:39,767
people treat you like
you're a goddamn magician.
1037
00:49:39,768 --> 00:49:43,521
They love it. Go try it at work.
On Monday, just go to work and be like...
1038
00:49:43,522 --> 00:49:46,190
- [in British accent] "Hello, mate."
- [crowd laughs]
1039
00:49:46,191 --> 00:49:48,860
"Would you like a biscuit with your tea?"
1040
00:49:49,361 --> 00:49:51,989
Someone in your office
is gonna go, "No-uh."
1041
00:49:53,031 --> 00:49:55,032
I mean, you can do all the... Walk around...
1042
00:49:55,033 --> 00:49:56,493
[laughing in French accent]
1043
00:49:57,285 --> 00:50:00,454
"Would you like a croissant
with your coffee?"
1044
00:50:00,455 --> 00:50:04,042
"Would you like to mange my anus?"
Whatever, say whatever you want.
1045
00:50:04,584 --> 00:50:06,293
And you can do all the accents.
1046
00:50:06,294 --> 00:50:08,462
Obviously not Asian, which is a bummer,
1047
00:50:08,463 --> 00:50:11,215
because that's the most fun one to do.
1048
00:50:11,216 --> 00:50:13,384
- Um...
- [crowd laughs]
1049
00:50:13,385 --> 00:50:17,430
You'll continue to do that when you're
alone, and with friends, and with family,
1050
00:50:17,431 --> 00:50:20,433
and... in the shower,
and in the car, and with lovers,
1051
00:50:20,434 --> 00:50:23,936
because there's nothing better,
but you can't do it, you know?
1052
00:50:23,937 --> 00:50:26,230
You can do a little. You can do a note.
1053
00:50:26,231 --> 00:50:29,984
It's sort of like you can walk up
to a piano and you can hit a key, right?
1054
00:50:29,985 --> 00:50:32,278
You can be in public and go, like...
1055
00:50:32,279 --> 00:50:34,447
[in random Asian accent] "Oh..." Like that.
1056
00:50:34,448 --> 00:50:35,824
- [crowd laughs]
- You know.
1057
00:50:36,867 --> 00:50:40,369
People still get jumpy. They'll be like,
"What the fuck are you doing?"
1058
00:50:40,370 --> 00:50:41,537
[crowd laughs]
1059
00:50:41,538 --> 00:50:44,832
You can't go the whole way.
You can't be like, "I would like to..."
1060
00:50:44,833 --> 00:50:46,917
[babbling in random Asian accent]
1061
00:50:46,918 --> 00:50:49,795
You can't. I did it to show you,
but you can't do that.
1062
00:50:49,796 --> 00:50:51,048
[crowd laughs]
1063
00:50:54,926 --> 00:50:58,721
If you want to have fun
with an Asian person speaking,
1064
00:50:58,722 --> 00:50:59,889
and you're not Asian,
1065
00:50:59,890 --> 00:51:04,894
what you should do is simply learn
how to say something in an Asian language.
1066
00:51:04,895 --> 00:51:07,480
Then you're repeating words.
You're allowed to do that.
1067
00:51:07,481 --> 00:51:09,482
I've been working on this Mandarin.
1068
00:51:09,483 --> 00:51:11,067
[scattered laughter]
1069
00:51:11,068 --> 00:51:12,319
[Tom sighs]
1070
00:51:13,737 --> 00:51:15,571
It's rough, but... [chuckles]
1071
00:51:15,572 --> 00:51:17,240
Here we go. [clears throat]
1072
00:51:18,450 --> 00:51:20,452
- [chuckles]
- [crowd laughs]
1073
00:51:21,953 --> 00:51:23,455
[speaking Mandarin]
1074
00:51:24,706 --> 00:51:26,208
[continues phrase]
1075
00:51:28,085 --> 00:51:29,627
[crowd laughs]
1076
00:51:29,628 --> 00:51:31,587
[cheers and applause]
1077
00:51:31,588 --> 00:51:32,881
Thank you.
1078
00:51:37,135 --> 00:51:39,720
That means,
"Kill my daughter. She is worthless."
1079
00:51:39,721 --> 00:51:43,974
Because they prefer boys,
you know what I mean? Like...
1080
00:51:43,975 --> 00:51:46,811
Another girl, throw her against the tree.
1081
00:51:46,812 --> 00:51:51,941
Now... I did that joke in Hong Kong,
and it did not land.
1082
00:51:51,942 --> 00:51:53,734
- So...
- [crowd laughs]
1083
00:51:53,735 --> 00:51:56,153
Yeah, they hate trees, but...
1084
00:51:56,154 --> 00:51:58,240
[crowd laughs]
1085
00:51:59,074 --> 00:52:01,618
I don't know how I'd react.
I have boys, but...
1086
00:52:02,202 --> 00:52:05,788
I don't even know whose credit that is.
Is that mine? Is that my wife's?
1087
00:52:05,789 --> 00:52:07,581
I mean, she can take a load...
1088
00:52:07,582 --> 00:52:09,333
- Um...
- [crowd groans and laughs]
1089
00:52:09,334 --> 00:52:12,170
Between the legs. What I'm saying is...
1090
00:52:12,754 --> 00:52:16,466
I get blow jobs,
but I get married blow jobs.
1091
00:52:17,259 --> 00:52:19,511
Them ain't like single-life blow jobs.
1092
00:52:20,262 --> 00:52:22,555
Married blow jobs kind of remind me...
1093
00:52:22,556 --> 00:52:24,391
You ever watch your dog...
1094
00:52:27,310 --> 00:52:28,979
on a hot day
1095
00:52:29,896 --> 00:52:31,356
get some water
1096
00:52:32,607 --> 00:52:34,317
from its bowl?
1097
00:52:35,610 --> 00:52:37,362
And then it looks at you
1098
00:52:38,905 --> 00:52:41,365
between licks. You know?
1099
00:52:41,366 --> 00:52:42,701
It's like...
1100
00:52:45,412 --> 00:52:47,414
[crowd laughing]
1101
00:52:52,669 --> 00:52:56,088
You're like, "Yeah, that feels good,
that's nice. Very nice."
1102
00:52:56,089 --> 00:52:59,300
"Are you done?" "Yeah, I didn't want
to come. Thanks, that was fun."
1103
00:52:59,301 --> 00:53:01,136
[crowd laughs]
1104
00:53:02,345 --> 00:53:05,014
I still remember the good old days, yeah.
1105
00:53:05,015 --> 00:53:07,976
Yeah, I have old VHS tapes back here,
1106
00:53:08,643 --> 00:53:12,022
and they're a little grainy,
but if I close my eyes,
1107
00:53:13,106 --> 00:53:17,151
I can still see those sweet,
sweet angels from my twenties
1108
00:53:17,152 --> 00:53:20,154
who made sounds
like they were fighting for their life.
1109
00:53:20,155 --> 00:53:21,405
You know, just...
1110
00:53:21,406 --> 00:53:22,824
[retching]
1111
00:53:23,617 --> 00:53:25,619
[hoarse gagging]
1112
00:53:27,162 --> 00:53:30,623
You know those blow jobs where you
almost stop to see if she's okay?
1113
00:53:30,624 --> 00:53:32,166
[crowd laughs]
1114
00:53:32,167 --> 00:53:34,001
You don't, 'cause you don't care.
1115
00:53:34,002 --> 00:53:35,878
[crowd laughs]
1116
00:53:35,879 --> 00:53:38,715
You're like, "I like
that you're suffering. This is cool."
1117
00:53:40,425 --> 00:53:41,467
[mimics spitting]
1118
00:53:41,468 --> 00:53:43,636
[crowd laughs]
1119
00:53:43,637 --> 00:53:45,554
What, you don't have memories? Okay.
1120
00:53:45,555 --> 00:53:47,556
[crowd laughs]
1121
00:53:47,557 --> 00:53:48,807
[Tom sighs]
1122
00:53:48,808 --> 00:53:50,392
I like a finger up the butt.
1123
00:53:50,393 --> 00:53:52,395
[crowd laughs]
1124
00:53:53,063 --> 00:53:56,482
Let's be clear.
I don't want to be excavated, okay?
1125
00:53:56,483 --> 00:53:57,650
[crowd laughs]
1126
00:53:57,651 --> 00:54:00,028
I just like a little, you know...
1127
00:54:01,029 --> 00:54:03,239
A little Steve Aoki.
"What's this button do?"
1128
00:54:03,240 --> 00:54:06,493
[making DJ mixtape noises]
1129
00:54:08,036 --> 00:54:10,872
Prime the pump, don't frack the crack.
You're with me, right?
1130
00:54:11,706 --> 00:54:13,749
Yeah. You like that, sir?
1131
00:54:13,750 --> 00:54:15,042
Yes.
1132
00:54:15,043 --> 00:54:17,378
The 'stache gives it away.
I knew you were in.
1133
00:54:17,379 --> 00:54:18,295
You?
1134
00:54:18,296 --> 00:54:20,465
Fuck yeah, all the culture's up front.
1135
00:54:22,133 --> 00:54:25,177
I polled my entire inner circle
of close friends,
1136
00:54:25,178 --> 00:54:27,931
and they were all like, "Fuck, no."
1137
00:54:28,640 --> 00:54:30,934
"I don't like that. That shit is gay."
1138
00:54:31,518 --> 00:54:36,021
And I was like, "Well, have you ever
considered trying it with a woman?"
1139
00:54:36,022 --> 00:54:38,108
[crowd laughs]
1140
00:54:38,900 --> 00:54:40,235
That's not gay.
1141
00:54:41,027 --> 00:54:43,738
Maybe stop having your brother do it,
weirdo, and...
1142
00:54:44,864 --> 00:54:46,991
"Hurry up before dad gets home."
1143
00:54:46,992 --> 00:54:49,077
[crowd laughing]
1144
00:54:55,959 --> 00:54:59,336
This is what you learn
over the course of a lifetime about sex.
1145
00:54:59,337 --> 00:55:02,840
You learn that men and women,
we both lie about sex.
1146
00:55:02,841 --> 00:55:04,758
We just lie in opposite directions.
1147
00:55:04,759 --> 00:55:08,262
Men exaggerate their exploits
and their interests
1148
00:55:08,263 --> 00:55:11,307
simply because they live to impress women.
1149
00:55:11,308 --> 00:55:14,435
It's the truth. It's stupid,
and it's simple, and it's true.
1150
00:55:14,436 --> 00:55:18,397
Every woman in here, at some point,
you'll meet a guy like, "I like it all."
1151
00:55:18,398 --> 00:55:21,026
"Step on my nuts," and, um...
1152
00:55:21,735 --> 00:55:23,360
You know, "Cut my nipples open."
1153
00:55:23,361 --> 00:55:24,778
[crowd laughs]
1154
00:55:24,779 --> 00:55:26,281
"Set me on fire."
1155
00:55:26,948 --> 00:55:28,824
And then you're like, "Okay..."
1156
00:55:28,825 --> 00:55:30,534
[crowd laughs]
1157
00:55:30,535 --> 00:55:31,827
"He seems fun."
1158
00:55:31,828 --> 00:55:34,621
- [crowd laughs]
- Then you get him in bed. What happens?
1159
00:55:34,622 --> 00:55:38,250
He's like, "Is that a match?
I don't feel safe. I wanna call..."
1160
00:55:38,251 --> 00:55:39,543
"Oh, right, sure. Okay."
1161
00:55:39,544 --> 00:55:41,587
He's a fucking liar. He's a liar.
1162
00:55:41,588 --> 00:55:43,339
Now, women do the opposite lie.
1163
00:55:43,340 --> 00:55:48,218
Women diminish their accountability
when it comes to sex, but I'll defend you.
1164
00:55:48,219 --> 00:55:50,262
I think you do it for a very good reason.
1165
00:55:50,263 --> 00:55:54,099
The reason a lot of women diminish
their accountability when it comes to sex
1166
00:55:54,100 --> 00:55:56,602
is they have a very real and valid fear
1167
00:55:56,603 --> 00:55:58,854
that some men will shame them
1168
00:55:58,855 --> 00:56:01,940
for enjoying some of the same things
that they enjoy.
1169
00:56:01,941 --> 00:56:03,817
Isn't that right, ladies?
1170
00:56:03,818 --> 00:56:05,903
[women cheering and clapping]
1171
00:56:05,904 --> 00:56:08,781
All right, so there's like 30 whores here.
That's crazy.
1172
00:56:08,782 --> 00:56:10,657
- [crowd laughs]
- [Tom chuckles]
1173
00:56:10,658 --> 00:56:12,618
I'm kidding. [snickering]
1174
00:56:12,619 --> 00:56:14,536
I'm kidding. Thank you for cheering.
1175
00:56:14,537 --> 00:56:16,498
[crowd laughs]
1176
00:56:17,123 --> 00:56:20,876
Then, you know, I think about,
like, things that happen in my own life,
1177
00:56:20,877 --> 00:56:23,212
and I realize
that these theories are true.
1178
00:56:23,213 --> 00:56:25,255
I remember I had a roommate one time,
1179
00:56:25,256 --> 00:56:27,800
and we both knew
this beautiful girl named Nicole.
1180
00:56:27,801 --> 00:56:31,220
And one day, my roommate goes,
"Oh, I hooked up with Nicole."
1181
00:56:31,221 --> 00:56:32,471
And I go, "Oh, really?"
1182
00:56:32,472 --> 00:56:34,973
And then he said
something super weird and gross,
1183
00:56:34,974 --> 00:56:37,601
and I apologize in advance,
but he was like,
1184
00:56:37,602 --> 00:56:39,478
he goes, "Yeah, man, her puss..."
1185
00:56:39,479 --> 00:56:41,648
- [snorts, chuckles]
- [crowd laughing]
1186
00:56:42,440 --> 00:56:45,442
He made sounds,
which also made it way worse, you know?
1187
00:56:45,443 --> 00:56:46,819
He was like, "Mm."
1188
00:56:46,820 --> 00:56:48,029
I was like, "Oh!"
1189
00:56:48,988 --> 00:56:51,407
He was like,
"It was so snuggly warm, you know?"
1190
00:56:51,408 --> 00:56:54,411
"I wanted to take a nap in there,"
and I was like, "What?"
1191
00:56:55,245 --> 00:56:58,038
He's like, "Yeah, mmm! Felt so good."
1192
00:56:58,039 --> 00:57:01,250
He goes, "It felt like a blanket
that was lined with butter."
1193
00:57:01,251 --> 00:57:02,918
And I go, "What the fuck?"
1194
00:57:02,919 --> 00:57:04,503
[crowd laughs]
1195
00:57:04,504 --> 00:57:07,714
And then I dated her
for two months after that.
1196
00:57:07,715 --> 00:57:08,757
[crowd laughs]
1197
00:57:08,758 --> 00:57:10,926
You know why?
'Cause I like butter too, sir.
1198
00:57:10,927 --> 00:57:12,886
- So...
- [crowd laughs]
1199
00:57:12,887 --> 00:57:15,556
One day I'm with her.
I guess I'm feeling insecure.
1200
00:57:15,557 --> 00:57:19,393
I bring it up. I go, "It's kind of weird
you've hooked up with my roommate."
1201
00:57:19,394 --> 00:57:21,478
And she goes, "What?" I go, "Yeah."
1202
00:57:21,479 --> 00:57:24,356
She goes, "I've never touched
your roommate." I go, "Really?"
1203
00:57:24,357 --> 00:57:27,443
She goes, "Hell no." I go, "Okay."
So I go back to my place.
1204
00:57:27,444 --> 00:57:30,446
I go, "Hey, man,
she said you guys never hooked up."
1205
00:57:30,447 --> 00:57:32,739
And he goes, "Oh yeah, that's true."
1206
00:57:32,740 --> 00:57:35,033
[crowd laughs]
1207
00:57:35,034 --> 00:57:38,620
I go, "I should have known
from the buttered-blanket pussy line."
1208
00:57:38,621 --> 00:57:41,331
- [crowd laughs]
- I go, "Why would you tell me that?"
1209
00:57:41,332 --> 00:57:45,420
He goes, "Who cares" and turned on the TV.
That was our whole conversation about it.
1210
00:57:46,504 --> 00:57:49,339
Years later, I was dating another woman
1211
00:57:49,340 --> 00:57:52,134
and we were talking about sex,
like the topic of sex.
1212
00:57:52,135 --> 00:57:53,927
And I brought up threesomes.
1213
00:57:53,928 --> 00:57:57,390
I go, "Have you ever had a threesome?"
You know what she said? She goes...
1214
00:58:00,185 --> 00:58:03,563
I go, "I didn't ask, 'Did you remember
to take your Adderall today?'"
1215
00:58:04,647 --> 00:58:07,524
"Have you had sex with two other people
at the same time?"
1216
00:58:07,525 --> 00:58:09,068
She goes, "Not really."
1217
00:58:09,736 --> 00:58:12,196
I go, "'Not really'?
Was one of them an amputee?"
1218
00:58:12,197 --> 00:58:13,572
'Cause that still counts.
1219
00:58:13,573 --> 00:58:14,781
[crowd laughs]
1220
00:58:14,782 --> 00:58:16,909
And she goes, "Well, here's the thing."
1221
00:58:16,910 --> 00:58:19,287
I go, "This is a 'here's the thing'?"
1222
00:58:19,996 --> 00:58:23,123
She goes, "Yes, technically I was in one,
1223
00:58:23,124 --> 00:58:24,750
but I was sunburned."
1224
00:58:24,751 --> 00:58:26,793
And I go, "What the fuck?"
1225
00:58:26,794 --> 00:58:28,337
[crowd laughs]
1226
00:58:28,338 --> 00:58:31,340
She goes, "I was in there,
but didn't really participate
1227
00:58:31,341 --> 00:58:33,133
'cause my sunburn was killing me."
1228
00:58:33,134 --> 00:58:35,261
I go, "This is insane
1229
00:58:35,887 --> 00:58:39,640
women's-only logic
you got going on right now."
1230
00:58:39,641 --> 00:58:41,225
She goes, "How about you?"
1231
00:58:41,226 --> 00:58:43,602
I go, "I blew four guys,
but I had poison ivy,
1232
00:58:43,603 --> 00:58:45,145
so it doesn't count either."
1233
00:58:45,146 --> 00:58:46,897
[crowd laughs]
1234
00:58:46,898 --> 00:58:48,023
Just...
1235
00:58:48,024 --> 00:58:50,108
[cheers and applause]
1236
00:58:50,109 --> 00:58:52,195
[people in crowd whistling]
1237
00:58:53,279 --> 00:58:54,988
She was an absolute whore.
1238
00:58:54,989 --> 00:58:57,115
And... she's dead.
1239
00:58:57,116 --> 00:58:59,244
[scattered groans and laughter]
1240
00:58:59,786 --> 00:59:00,703
Probably.
1241
00:59:01,829 --> 00:59:05,082
You know, I've been thinking
about killing my wife.
1242
00:59:05,083 --> 00:59:06,708
- Um...
- [crowd laughs]
1243
00:59:06,709 --> 00:59:10,295
I've been talking about it too.
Mostly with my wife. [chuckles]
1244
00:59:10,296 --> 00:59:12,756
- [crowd laughs]
- It's her fault. She started it.
1245
00:59:12,757 --> 00:59:15,676
We were in the house one day,
and she just lobs this at me.
1246
00:59:15,677 --> 00:59:20,431
She goes, "How easily do you think
you could kill me with your bare hands?"
1247
00:59:21,182 --> 00:59:23,058
I go, "Uh, very."
1248
00:59:23,059 --> 00:59:24,476
[crowd laughs]
1249
00:59:24,477 --> 00:59:27,563
She goes, "Really?" I go,
"It wouldn't even be a little bit hard."
1250
00:59:27,564 --> 00:59:28,939
[crowd laughs]
1251
00:59:28,940 --> 00:59:30,274
She goes, "No!"
1252
00:59:30,275 --> 00:59:32,068
And I go, "Yeah."
1253
00:59:32,986 --> 00:59:37,240
"I'm not saying I'm a badass. I'm saying
I can kill you with little to no effort."
1254
00:59:37,824 --> 00:59:41,493
Now this shit comes up all the time.
Like, whenever we're together.
1255
00:59:41,494 --> 00:59:44,997
We were in New York. We were waiting
for the subway, just standing there.
1256
00:59:44,998 --> 00:59:47,792
And at one point I was like,
"Oh, I could fucking...
1257
00:59:48,376 --> 00:59:50,294
[crowd laughs]
1258
00:59:50,295 --> 00:59:52,504
...shove you off
of that platform right now."
1259
00:59:52,505 --> 00:59:54,548
And she looks, she goes, "I would die."
1260
00:59:54,549 --> 00:59:56,091
I go, "No shit."
1261
00:59:56,092 --> 00:59:58,010
[crowd laughs]
1262
00:59:58,011 --> 00:59:59,678
Then she goes, "You shouldn't."
1263
00:59:59,679 --> 01:00:00,972
I go, "What?"
1264
01:00:01,681 --> 01:00:04,851
She goes, "There's cameras here,
and there's people everywhere."
1265
01:00:05,476 --> 01:00:06,810
"You're gonna get caught."
1266
01:00:06,811 --> 01:00:08,395
[crowd laughs]
1267
01:00:08,396 --> 01:00:11,106
I was like, "Yeah,
good looking out. Okay."
1268
01:00:11,107 --> 01:00:13,192
[crowd laughs]
1269
01:00:13,901 --> 01:00:15,027
We went to Hawaii.
1270
01:00:15,028 --> 01:00:17,321
We were on a hike
just on this cliff's edge.
1271
01:00:17,322 --> 01:00:19,823
And at one point
I put my hands on her shoulders.
1272
01:00:19,824 --> 01:00:23,327
I go, "You know, if I wanted to, I could...
[grunts] ...throw you off."
1273
01:00:23,328 --> 01:00:25,454
And she looks. She goes, "I would die."
1274
01:00:25,455 --> 01:00:27,706
I go, "You're getting good at this. Yeah."
1275
01:00:27,707 --> 01:00:29,041
[crowd laughs]
1276
01:00:29,042 --> 01:00:31,543
I go, "Of course I'm not going to.
There's rocks."
1277
01:00:31,544 --> 01:00:34,630
"Your body would be exposed.
There'd be detectives everywhere."
1278
01:00:34,631 --> 01:00:37,257
"It would fuck up my day.
I'm not doing it."
1279
01:00:37,258 --> 01:00:40,178
I go, "But if you look down there,
I don't see any rocks."
1280
01:00:40,803 --> 01:00:42,804
"Over there, the tide would take you out."
1281
01:00:42,805 --> 01:00:46,016
"And then I would have
an awesome week in Hawaii."
1282
01:00:46,017 --> 01:00:47,809
[crowd laughs]
1283
01:00:47,810 --> 01:00:49,061
And then we kissed.
1284
01:00:49,062 --> 01:00:50,854
- [inhales deeply]
- [crowd laughing]
1285
01:00:50,855 --> 01:00:52,690
I guess that's love, right?
1286
01:00:53,524 --> 01:00:55,151
Yeah, but she's alive.
1287
01:00:55,777 --> 01:00:57,487
[light laughter]
1288
01:00:58,112 --> 01:00:59,405
Isn't she?
1289
01:01:01,032 --> 01:01:04,994
Yeah. You know, we've been together,
I think 63 years now, and...
1290
01:01:06,329 --> 01:01:08,747
You get to that point
in your relationship where you're like,
1291
01:01:08,748 --> 01:01:11,000
"I'm riding it out with this one, right?"
1292
01:01:11,751 --> 01:01:14,753
But you can't help sometimes
to think about who it could have been.
1293
01:01:14,754 --> 01:01:16,254
Don't you ever play that game?
1294
01:01:16,255 --> 01:01:19,549
You think back and you think about one,
you're like, "Oof, Jesus,
1295
01:01:19,550 --> 01:01:21,260
I really dodged a bullet there."
1296
01:01:21,928 --> 01:01:24,722
Then you think about another one,
"That could have been cool."
1297
01:01:25,932 --> 01:01:28,684
You think about all of them.
I had one hit me the other day.
1298
01:01:28,685 --> 01:01:30,977
I was remembering that I studied abroad.
1299
01:01:30,978 --> 01:01:33,355
I did a semester in Madrid.
1300
01:01:33,356 --> 01:01:36,191
I remembered one time
an American classmate of mine
1301
01:01:36,192 --> 01:01:37,651
came up to me, and he goes,
1302
01:01:37,652 --> 01:01:40,445
"Hey, I'm going to Tunisia this weekend,
North Africa."
1303
01:01:40,446 --> 01:01:43,407
"Do you wanna come?"
And I go, "Not really, no."
1304
01:01:43,408 --> 01:01:46,368
Then he called me out. He goes,
"When will you have the chance
1305
01:01:46,369 --> 01:01:49,162
to see a place like that
after such a short flight?"
1306
01:01:49,163 --> 01:01:51,248
"You really should go." And I thanked him.
1307
01:01:51,249 --> 01:01:54,501
I said, "You're right, I'm coming."
We went. We went to Tunisia.
1308
01:01:54,502 --> 01:01:58,213
We checked into a hotel.
We see this beautiful woman in the lobby.
1309
01:01:58,214 --> 01:02:00,340
We approach her together,
but we're gentlemen.
1310
01:02:00,341 --> 01:02:03,468
I go, "Hey, we're American students.
We're studying in Spain."
1311
01:02:03,469 --> 01:02:05,929
"We're here for the weekend."
She goes, "I'm French."
1312
01:02:05,930 --> 01:02:08,807
"I'm traveling alone.
I'm looking for heroin today."
1313
01:02:08,808 --> 01:02:10,934
[crowd laughs]
1314
01:02:10,935 --> 01:02:12,728
And my friend goes, "She's yours."
1315
01:02:12,729 --> 01:02:15,605
And then he just... walked away.
1316
01:02:15,606 --> 01:02:18,151
And I was like,
"Let's see where it goes," you know?
1317
01:02:18,818 --> 01:02:22,447
We rode camels, you know,
we tried to score some H. [chuckles]
1318
01:02:23,698 --> 01:02:25,240
Then we're in her room later.
1319
01:02:25,241 --> 01:02:27,659
And we're making out,
it's starting to heat up.
1320
01:02:27,660 --> 01:02:30,078
And I wanna make this
very clear to everybody.
1321
01:02:30,079 --> 01:02:34,458
I stop her, and I go,
"I gotta tell you something."
1322
01:02:34,459 --> 01:02:37,627
"I don't have a condom and, no offense..."
1323
01:02:37,628 --> 01:02:39,421
[chuckling] "...I think I need one."
1324
01:02:39,422 --> 01:02:41,799
[crowd laughs]
1325
01:02:42,467 --> 01:02:44,509
She goes, "You don't need a condom."
1326
01:02:44,510 --> 01:02:46,512
I go, "Ah..."
1327
01:02:48,014 --> 01:02:49,222
"Okay." So...
1328
01:02:49,223 --> 01:02:51,558
[crowd laughs]
1329
01:02:51,559 --> 01:02:53,519
You said so, and I'm dumb.
1330
01:02:54,353 --> 01:02:55,604
So we did what we did.
1331
01:02:55,605 --> 01:02:58,064
And then I go back to my room,
and my friend's there.
1332
01:02:58,065 --> 01:02:59,608
He goes, "Where have you been?"
1333
01:02:59,609 --> 01:03:02,068
I go, "The French girl.
I just hooked up with her."
1334
01:03:02,069 --> 01:03:05,447
And his first question,
he goes, "You have a condom?"
1335
01:03:05,448 --> 01:03:07,074
And I go, "No."
1336
01:03:07,784 --> 01:03:09,826
And his face dropped.
1337
01:03:09,827 --> 01:03:11,745
And he goes, "You're gonna die."
1338
01:03:11,746 --> 01:03:14,080
[crowd laughs]
1339
01:03:14,081 --> 01:03:15,958
And I go, "I am gonna die."
1340
01:03:16,709 --> 01:03:18,461
I didn't sleep one second.
1341
01:03:19,212 --> 01:03:21,379
In the morning,
I go downstairs for breakfast,
1342
01:03:21,380 --> 01:03:23,381
for fucking Tunisian breakfast.
1343
01:03:23,382 --> 01:03:25,759
It was like dates and hummus.
1344
01:03:25,760 --> 01:03:29,721
I was like, "You're gonna eat this
first thing and wash it down with coffee?"
1345
01:03:29,722 --> 01:03:32,224
"You're gonna shit
some memories out right now."
1346
01:03:32,225 --> 01:03:33,601
[crowd laughs]
1347
01:03:34,227 --> 01:03:36,646
So I ate, I shat, and I saw her.
1348
01:03:37,396 --> 01:03:39,940
She knew something was up.
She's like, "What is wrong?"
1349
01:03:39,941 --> 01:03:44,194
I go, "Last night, we did what we did,
and we didn't use protection."
1350
01:03:44,195 --> 01:03:46,279
And she goes, "That's okay." And I go...
1351
01:03:46,280 --> 01:03:48,365
[chuckling dryly] "No, it's not."
1352
01:03:48,366 --> 01:03:51,494
And she goes,
"It's okay because I take medicine."
1353
01:03:55,623 --> 01:03:57,749
[softly] I go, "Why do you take medicine?"
1354
01:03:57,750 --> 01:03:59,709
[crowd laughs]
1355
01:03:59,710 --> 01:04:02,379
"Is your T cell count
like 12 or something?"
1356
01:04:02,380 --> 01:04:04,464
[crowd laughs]
1357
01:04:04,465 --> 01:04:08,093
She goes, "I take medicine
to not make babies."
1358
01:04:08,094 --> 01:04:10,011
I go, "The pill?"
1359
01:04:10,012 --> 01:04:11,888
[laughing] "You think I'm worried..."
1360
01:04:11,889 --> 01:04:13,098
[crowd laughs]
1361
01:04:13,099 --> 01:04:15,184
"...about getting you pregnant?"
1362
01:04:15,685 --> 01:04:17,227
"How would you even find me?"
1363
01:04:17,228 --> 01:04:19,312
[crowd laughs]
1364
01:04:19,313 --> 01:04:20,939
"You just gonna write a letter?"
1365
01:04:20,940 --> 01:04:22,607
"Dear America..."
1366
01:04:22,608 --> 01:04:24,276
[crowd laughs]
1367
01:04:24,277 --> 01:04:28,321
"A man calling himself
Big Daddy Kane fucked me..."
1368
01:04:28,322 --> 01:04:29,614
[crowd laughs]
1369
01:04:29,615 --> 01:04:31,409
"...in North Africa."
1370
01:04:32,869 --> 01:04:34,578
And she goes, "Calm down."
1371
01:04:34,579 --> 01:04:36,706
I go, "I can't!"
1372
01:04:37,582 --> 01:04:40,041
This woman reached into her purse
and pulled out pills.
1373
01:04:40,042 --> 01:04:42,420
I didn't even ask what they were.
I was just like...
1374
01:04:43,671 --> 01:04:45,589
"What was that, vitamin C?"
1375
01:04:45,590 --> 01:04:48,593
She goes, "Xanax.
You just ate three Xanax."
1376
01:04:49,385 --> 01:04:52,221
"And now you're gonna relax,
you big baby."
1377
01:04:53,055 --> 01:04:55,932
And like a minute later, I go, "Mm-hmm."
1378
01:04:55,933 --> 01:04:58,019
[crowd laughs]
1379
01:05:00,229 --> 01:05:01,564
"I am relaxed."
1380
01:05:02,231 --> 01:05:06,736
And then we went up to her room,
and we had unprotected sex again.
1381
01:05:07,403 --> 01:05:10,113
And that's how I got AIDS.
I don't know. Um...
1382
01:05:10,114 --> 01:05:11,364
[crowd laughs]
1383
01:05:11,365 --> 01:05:13,658
I've never been tested.
And guess what, guys?
1384
01:05:13,659 --> 01:05:15,368
I'm not gonna be.
1385
01:05:15,369 --> 01:05:17,830
Because it's better not to know.
1386
01:05:18,414 --> 01:05:20,373
At this point, I've got it.
1387
01:05:20,374 --> 01:05:21,666
My wife's got it.
1388
01:05:21,667 --> 01:05:23,376
The boys have got it.
1389
01:05:23,377 --> 01:05:24,961
Seven's got it.
1390
01:05:24,962 --> 01:05:28,006
[crowd laughing]
1391
01:05:28,007 --> 01:05:29,925
Oh yeah, for sure.
1392
01:05:29,926 --> 01:05:32,261
[cheers and applause]
1393
01:05:34,972 --> 01:05:37,558
Bill Belichick definitely has it.
1394
01:05:38,643 --> 01:05:40,644
But you know what? I feel good skinny.
1395
01:05:40,645 --> 01:05:43,813
So thank you, AIDS,
and thank you, Milwaukee.
1396
01:05:43,814 --> 01:05:45,982
You guys were the best. Thanks very much.
1397
01:05:45,983 --> 01:05:48,526
- [crowd cheering]
- Have a great night. Thank you.
1398
01:05:48,527 --> 01:05:51,697
['90s hip-hop music playing]
1399
01:06:05,586 --> 01:06:08,589
- [cheers and applause]
- [hip-hop track continues]
1400
01:06:18,307 --> 01:06:20,393
{\an8}- [crowd fades]
- [music continues]
1401
01:07:19,910 --> 01:07:21,787
{\an8}[music ends]