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Downloaded from
YTS.LT

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.LT

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<i>Milwaukee, please welcome Tom Segura.</i>

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<i>Time, time for some
Time for some action</i>

5
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<i>Time, time for some
Time for some action...</i>

6
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<i>Let's get ready to rumble</i>

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<i>In this corner we have
The funk bodysnatcher</i>

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<i>P-Funkadelic and I gat ya
Hard enough that I can...</i>

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All right, thank you very much!

10
00:00:44,961 --> 00:00:46,128
Thank you.

11
00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:48,255
You guys are amazing, thanks.

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00:00:48,256 --> 00:00:49,423
Yeah, I love you too.

13
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You're so well-behaved.

14
00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:52,926
That's great.

15
00:00:52,927 --> 00:00:55,929
It's not always like this.
You know that, right? We, uh...

16
00:00:55,930 --> 00:00:59,600
We had a fight in the front row
last week at a show.

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Yeah, and you fucking notice
when it's in the front row.

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You notice.

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And, um... you know, normally,
we try to put that out pretty quickly,

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00:01:08,568 --> 00:01:12,863
but the, uh, the guy that
started the fight was just so old.

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00:01:12,864 --> 00:01:14,823
Uh...

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When security descended upon him,

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I was just like, "Wait."

24
00:01:19,788 --> 00:01:21,413
You know?

25
00:01:21,414 --> 00:01:23,666
Like, "Let him do it," you know.

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00:01:25,168 --> 00:01:27,462
It's probably his last fight, you know.

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00:01:28,004 --> 00:01:32,591
I'm sure it was. He was very old,
and he was punching another guy,

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but he was... you know,
he was making, like, old sounds

29
00:01:36,554 --> 00:01:38,723
as he was like... "Bughh..." Like, it was...

30
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Even the guy getting hit was like,
"I don't give a shit." Like...

31
00:01:45,146 --> 00:01:46,688
"I don't feel this." And then...

32
00:01:46,689 --> 00:01:50,317
Then the older guy, he just kind of
tuckered out, you know. He was, "Aww..."

33
00:01:50,318 --> 00:01:52,736
And he just... He just kind of faded.

34
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And then as security was escorting him
up the aisle, I looked and I was like,

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00:01:56,741 --> 00:01:59,409
"Oh, I think that's a woman."

36
00:01:59,410 --> 00:02:01,620
Um...

37
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It was the hair.

38
00:02:02,705 --> 00:02:06,208
You know how women
will sometimes hit a certain age

39
00:02:06,209 --> 00:02:09,462
where they don't want you to try
to fuck them anymore, and...

40
00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:13,882
the hair goes first, you know.
They just go...

41
00:02:13,883 --> 00:02:17,094
Then we all go, "Oh yeah.
Don't try to touch her. I got it."

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00:02:17,095 --> 00:02:18,428
This goes...

43
00:02:18,429 --> 00:02:20,264
The vagina closes, the hair goes,

44
00:02:20,265 --> 00:02:22,559
and we all go, "She's off-limits." So...

45
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Whoever it was, rest in peace.

46
00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:27,896
Um...

47
00:02:27,897 --> 00:02:29,274
I, uh...

48
00:02:30,733 --> 00:02:34,945
I just got back from my favorite place.
I was in Italy, which I absolutely love.

49
00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:37,447
Yeah... it's the greatest.

50
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It is the greatest. And...

51
00:02:38,741 --> 00:02:40,909
My phone knows that I love Italy,

52
00:02:40,910 --> 00:02:43,787
just like our phones know
everything about us now.

53
00:02:43,788 --> 00:02:47,416
It was fun, I think about a decade ago,
when we would like kind of debate,

54
00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:50,961
"Wouldn't it be crazy if this thing
was listening to everything we said?"

55
00:02:50,962 --> 00:02:53,756
And then now we're like,
"Oh yeah, this records everything."

56
00:02:54,966 --> 00:02:57,509
Everything I say,
text, think, it's just there.

57
00:02:57,510 --> 00:03:00,971
Unless you're one of these people
who happens to believe, you're like,

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00:03:00,972 --> 00:03:03,807
"Oh yeah, you know, I was having
a conversation with someone

59
00:03:03,808 --> 00:03:08,312
about a bread basket
from Croatia in the 1700s,

60
00:03:08,313 --> 00:03:10,397
and then I opened my Gmail,
and it was like,

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00:03:10,398 --> 00:03:12,609
'You looking
for a Croatian bread basket?'"

62
00:03:14,235 --> 00:03:17,155
You're like, "Isn't that
a wild coincidence?" Well, yeah.

63
00:03:17,947 --> 00:03:21,325
I talk about Italy all the time,
and every time I open my phone,

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social media is just Italy.

65
00:03:22,952 --> 00:03:25,662
It's Italian landscapes, Italian recipes,

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00:03:25,663 --> 00:03:26,955
Italian women's feet,

67
00:03:26,956 --> 00:03:28,791
and I go "like, like, like," right?

68
00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:34,880
But whenever I see
landscape shots of Italy,

69
00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:38,008
there's always a guy on a Vespa, you know?

70
00:03:38,009 --> 00:03:40,761
Those little scooters,
and they're zipping around,

71
00:03:40,762 --> 00:03:43,556
and they're dreaming of marinara,
or whatever they do.

72
00:03:44,641 --> 00:03:45,849
Yeah.

73
00:03:45,850 --> 00:03:48,852
And whenever I see a guy on a Vespa,

74
00:03:48,853 --> 00:03:51,230
internally to myself, I go,

75
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:52,815
"That's gay." Right?

76
00:03:55,109 --> 00:03:58,820
But when you're there and you see one,

77
00:03:58,821 --> 00:04:01,991
you're like, "No one will know, right?"

78
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:06,079
So I rented one, and...

79
00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:12,084
It was the single most joyful experience
of my entire life,

80
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:15,171
including the birth of my children.
It was fucking amazing.

81
00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:17,881
I was making up reasons
to take that thing out.

82
00:04:17,882 --> 00:04:20,969
I was just like, "We don't have
any butternut squash. I gotta go."

83
00:04:22,345 --> 00:04:25,555
Couple days into it, I started
making up a narrative in my head.

84
00:04:25,556 --> 00:04:28,643
I was like, "This is the same as a Harley.
This is the same shit."

85
00:04:29,769 --> 00:04:31,646
This is my hog.

86
00:04:33,147 --> 00:04:36,441
Another day went by,
I was like, "I am getting one of these...

87
00:04:36,442 --> 00:04:38,902
as soon as I get back."

88
00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:41,488
I started shopping online.
"Do I want a blue one? Yeah."

89
00:04:41,489 --> 00:04:44,117
"Do I want a basket?
Fuck yeah, I want a basket on that."

90
00:04:45,368 --> 00:04:50,247
And then I got back to the US of A,
and within moments, I was like,

91
00:04:50,248 --> 00:04:53,668
"Oh, there's not a fucking chance." Like...

92
00:04:55,461 --> 00:05:00,007
"I'll get beat to death
at a red light... in one of these,"

93
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:05,053
and that's when you realize that Vespas
are the pickleball of the motorbike world.

94
00:05:05,054 --> 00:05:06,222
They are...

95
00:05:08,391 --> 00:05:09,767
They just are.

96
00:05:11,269 --> 00:05:12,145
Yeah!

97
00:05:14,522 --> 00:05:17,566
It is simply a substitute
for the real thing.

98
00:05:17,567 --> 00:05:21,321
Just say you suck at tennis,
you fucking cuck. Like...

99
00:05:22,905 --> 00:05:26,408
Nobody wants to hear that you're excelling
at a make-believe sport.

100
00:05:26,409 --> 00:05:29,162
Now... "No, but it's so social."

101
00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:36,044
"Anyone can do it."
That's why you do it. You're soft. Now...

102
00:05:37,378 --> 00:05:40,422
I did something very, very fun recently.

103
00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:42,799
I got to fly with the Blue Angels.

104
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:44,885
I don't know if you know what that is.

105
00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:46,304
Oh, wow.

106
00:05:46,888 --> 00:05:47,889
Wow!

107
00:05:49,724 --> 00:05:54,144
For those of you that don't know,
that is the US Navy's aerial show program.

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00:05:54,145 --> 00:05:58,023
They put on shows all over our country
that are unbelievable.

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00:05:58,024 --> 00:06:00,859
These are elite fighter pilots

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00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:04,154
that are flying in fighter jets
18 inches apart,

111
00:06:04,155 --> 00:06:06,823
and they do these wild, acrobatic stunts.

112
00:06:06,824 --> 00:06:08,825
And I went to the show,
and it was amazing.

113
00:06:08,826 --> 00:06:10,994
Then afterwards,
I met one of the organizers,

114
00:06:10,995 --> 00:06:14,498
and very casually, I was like, "Yeah,
I wish I could go up in one of those."

115
00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:16,041
They were like, "Yeah, you can."

116
00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:17,835
And I go, "What the fuck, really?"

117
00:06:19,253 --> 00:06:21,546
They go, "Yeah,
if you come to Pensacola, Florida."

118
00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:23,007
And I was like, "Ugh!"

119
00:06:26,636 --> 00:06:28,638
"Okay." So...

120
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I went. I went to Florida.

121
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I went to the base,
and I met one of the pilots.

122
00:06:34,352 --> 00:06:38,189
This dude looked like
he was designed in a lab,

123
00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:42,443
and then AI just shit him out, okay?

124
00:06:43,152 --> 00:06:46,864
This is one of the most beautiful men...
I think about this guy every day, okay?

125
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My last thought
before I go to bed at night

126
00:06:50,743 --> 00:06:53,036
is his jawline, and then I go,

127
00:06:53,037 --> 00:06:55,039
"Hmm... mm," then I fall asleep.

128
00:06:56,791 --> 00:06:59,126
So I walk up to him, I go, "Hey, I'm Tom."

129
00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:00,878
And he goes, "I'm Seven."

130
00:07:03,589 --> 00:07:05,049
Whatever you say, Daddy. Uh...

131
00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:11,722
If you're a seven, I'd hate to meet a ten,
you know what I mean?

132
00:07:13,724 --> 00:07:16,601
So Seven tells me,
"We're gonna do some wild stuff up there."

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00:07:16,602 --> 00:07:18,728
"So don't eat a lot,
because if you eat a lot,

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00:07:18,729 --> 00:07:20,522
you will definitely throw up."

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00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:23,650
And I go, "Oh, wow, what if I throw up?"

136
00:07:23,651 --> 00:07:27,280
He goes, "I'll give you a little baggie,
and you can puke in that."

137
00:07:27,864 --> 00:07:29,365
I go, "Thanks, dog."

138
00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:31,868
"What if I shit?"

139
00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:36,247
And he goes, "People don't shit."

140
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You don't know who
you're talking to right now, do you?

141
00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:47,048
We went up for 45 minutes.

142
00:07:47,049 --> 00:07:51,428
We flew vertically,
we did barrel rolls, we flew Mach 1.2,

143
00:07:51,429 --> 00:07:53,597
we pulled seven and a half Gs.

144
00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:58,101
It was the most thrilling 45 minutes
of my entire life.

145
00:07:58,102 --> 00:08:00,479
But when I got back, I realized something.

146
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:05,317
I realized that we are
the only country on Earth

147
00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:08,862
where when you see
a fleet of fighter jets approaching,

148
00:08:08,863 --> 00:08:11,532
you know something cool is gonna happen.

149
00:08:14,452 --> 00:08:15,953
It's just us.

150
00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:22,335
Right? Like...

151
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:28,257
Dude, we send them to the Daytona 500

152
00:08:28,966 --> 00:08:31,051
to kick shit off,

153
00:08:31,052 --> 00:08:33,178
so that every asshole there can go...

154
00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:34,931
"Look at that."

155
00:08:36,307 --> 00:08:37,975
"That's fucking cool."

156
00:08:38,476 --> 00:08:40,311
You're like, "Yeah, here."

157
00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:44,649
But if you're in the Hindu Kush province
of Afghanistan,

158
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:47,944
and you see seven F-22s,

159
00:08:48,444 --> 00:08:51,239
you're not like,
"Oh, yeah, today's the race."

160
00:08:54,575 --> 00:08:56,619
You know, you just go...

161
00:08:57,662 --> 00:09:02,040
And that's it. That's
the last fucking sound you ever make

162
00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:03,500
before you hear...

163
00:09:03,501 --> 00:09:06,419
And then... there goes your mom's village.

164
00:09:06,420 --> 00:09:08,088
All right, so...

165
00:09:08,089 --> 00:09:09,422
<i>USA...</i>

166
00:09:09,423 --> 00:09:10,424
Now...

167
00:09:12,468 --> 00:09:13,677
Well, sure.

168
00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:15,304
Why not?

169
00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:22,895
You know, I didn't puke,
and I didn't shit, but...

170
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:26,398
when I was in Houston
about a month ago, I sharted.

171
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:27,650
Here's what happened.

172
00:09:29,819 --> 00:09:33,738
If you were gonna make
a list of the best places to shart,

173
00:09:33,739 --> 00:09:36,575
and I don't know why you would,
but if you did,

174
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,411
number one is the bathroom.

175
00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:40,412
And that's where I was.

176
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:43,916
I was in a public restroom,
and I was at the urinal.

177
00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:52,048
I was just enjoying a delightful
afternoon pee, you know?

178
00:09:52,049 --> 00:09:54,426
Like a 90-second one, you know,

179
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:56,303
where your mind just kind of goes.

180
00:09:56,304 --> 00:09:58,013
Stream of consciousness takes over.

181
00:09:58,014 --> 00:09:59,431
You're just lost, and like,

182
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:02,601
"Are birds real,
or are they honing devices? I don't know."

183
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:05,938
"Jesus, how big were
Aretha Franklin's tits," you know?

184
00:10:07,481 --> 00:10:10,525
You ever think about that?
Everyone talks about Dolly Parton's tits.

185
00:10:10,526 --> 00:10:14,905
Did you ever look
at Aretha Franklin's tits?

186
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:17,741
It looked like she was nursing seal pups.

187
00:10:17,742 --> 00:10:19,118
It's insane.

188
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:23,538
If she couldn't sing,
she'd be serving lunch.

189
00:10:23,539 --> 00:10:25,708
You know what I mean? Those are some tits.

190
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:27,710
So...

191
00:10:31,797 --> 00:10:34,758
I'm pissing... and it's great.

192
00:10:34,759 --> 00:10:36,926
My wife always gives me shit, by the way.

193
00:10:36,927 --> 00:10:40,388
She's like, "You enjoy
your bodily functions so much."

194
00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:42,349
I'm like, "Just let me live my life."

195
00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:46,478
I mean, I do like peeing.
I like sneezing more.

196
00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:52,943
If you don't enjoy an open-air,
reckless, violent sneeze,

197
00:10:53,611 --> 00:10:55,987
you're a fucking communist, okay?

198
00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:57,907
It's the best.

199
00:10:58,824 --> 00:11:01,534
Yeah, you know what I mean?
No one's around, you go...

200
00:11:01,535 --> 00:11:04,747
One of those,
and you're like, "What the fuck?"

201
00:11:05,414 --> 00:11:06,707
"Don't talk to me."

202
00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:10,293
I love it. Coming's the best, obviously.

203
00:11:10,294 --> 00:11:12,045
I'm not gonna argue that point.

204
00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:17,468
So, I go, coming, sneezing,
nice pee, emergency shit, um...

205
00:11:18,302 --> 00:11:22,013
I really like stretching in bed
right after I wake up,

206
00:11:22,014 --> 00:11:25,183
and then it sends you back to sleep,
'cause it feels like fentanyl.

207
00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:26,644
I don't know. I like it.

208
00:11:27,770 --> 00:11:29,938
I like sitting on the couch on a Sunday

209
00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:33,651
and just a nice pinch and roll
on my beanbag, you know? Just...

210
00:11:41,283 --> 00:11:43,828
"This is free? This is crazy."

211
00:11:46,288 --> 00:11:49,291
"I wish it were Seven's hand,
but this feels good, you know?"

212
00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:54,796
A lot of ladies get jealous about that,
and honestly, you shouldn't.

213
00:11:54,797 --> 00:11:57,590
I've seen what you have there,
and there's plenty to pull,

214
00:11:57,591 --> 00:11:59,385
so you could also just...

215
00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:05,391
Tug on that taffy bag
and see where it takes you.

216
00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:12,772
Yeah, and don't you dare
get insecure, okay?

217
00:12:12,773 --> 00:12:15,943
You ladies do that to each other.
We never care.

218
00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:19,613
It could have teeth,
and we try to get in there. We don't care.

219
00:12:20,489 --> 00:12:23,158
All I'm saying is, ladies,
I want you to leave here tonight

220
00:12:23,159 --> 00:12:27,036
knowing that you all
have beautiful pussies, okay?

221
00:12:27,037 --> 00:12:28,873
Yeah, sure.

222
00:12:29,874 --> 00:12:32,752
Oh yeah, absolutely.

223
00:12:35,504 --> 00:12:37,464
So I'm peeing, right?

224
00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:39,007
Um...

225
00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:43,763
And as I'm peeing, I feel something,
you know, in the chamber.

226
00:12:44,805 --> 00:12:46,890
And I'm polite, so I do the polite thing.

227
00:12:46,891 --> 00:12:49,559
I... hmm... mmm...

228
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:51,895
look around, and there's nobody in there.

229
00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:54,482
So I tell myself, "It's okay, buddy."

230
00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:57,359
"Why don't you give it a push?"

231
00:12:59,069 --> 00:13:00,446
And I did,

232
00:13:01,238 --> 00:13:02,990
and there was no sound.

233
00:13:06,076 --> 00:13:07,203
None.

234
00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:09,955
But there was movement.

235
00:13:11,165 --> 00:13:12,582
So now I have to check.

236
00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:14,417
Do you know how you have to check?

237
00:13:14,418 --> 00:13:18,047
You have to take your pants
all the way down.

238
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:21,091
Like a fucking toddler. I was like...

239
00:13:24,053 --> 00:13:27,097
So now I'm just Winnie the Pooh-ing it
in a T-shirt. Like...

240
00:13:27,973 --> 00:13:29,058
"Hi."

241
00:13:29,892 --> 00:13:31,309
"Hello."

242
00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:32,894
My little dick's hanging out.

243
00:13:32,895 --> 00:13:34,438
"Hello."

244
00:13:35,356 --> 00:13:39,235
Then I look into my boxers, and I'm like,
"Yep, I'm throwing those out."

245
00:13:40,736 --> 00:13:43,363
And then I clean up,
and then I leave the restroom.

246
00:13:43,364 --> 00:13:46,491
All my friends are waiting outside,
and I tell them what happened.

247
00:13:46,492 --> 00:13:49,702
They're like, "I don't wanna know."
And I go, "I'm telling you."

248
00:13:49,703 --> 00:13:52,915
And they go, "Well, stop."
I go, "I'm not. You already know now."

249
00:13:53,541 --> 00:13:56,209
And in that exchange, something clicked.

250
00:13:56,210 --> 00:13:57,710
I put it together.

251
00:13:57,711 --> 00:13:59,587
I didn't shart.

252
00:13:59,588 --> 00:14:02,007
I had simply shit my pants.

253
00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:05,594
Yeah.

254
00:14:06,637 --> 00:14:07,680
I mean...

255
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:11,892
That's an important distinction, right?

256
00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:15,353
A shart would imply that I had farted,

257
00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:19,149
and that there were
some DVD extras in there.

258
00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:22,403
I took a shit with my pants on.

259
00:14:24,405 --> 00:14:27,323
It would be no different
than if I were standing here like,

260
00:14:27,324 --> 00:14:29,368
"I think I'm gonna take a shit right now."

261
00:14:30,077 --> 00:14:31,494
And then I just kept talking.

262
00:14:31,495 --> 00:14:35,039
So, it's fucked with my confidence,
but I'm back, baby.

263
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:37,459
I am fucking back. Yes.

264
00:14:39,837 --> 00:14:41,046
Thank you.

265
00:14:44,633 --> 00:14:46,217
Also, let me tell you something.

266
00:14:46,218 --> 00:14:48,678
This is my sixth hour special,

267
00:14:48,679 --> 00:14:52,224
and I'm very, very grateful
that I have this opportunity.

268
00:14:53,183 --> 00:14:54,268
Yeah.

269
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,982
I tell people a lot, and it's true,

270
00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:04,068
that I really didn't think
this was in the cards for me.

271
00:15:04,069 --> 00:15:07,655
I didn't think about this ever
when I started out in entertainment.

272
00:15:07,656 --> 00:15:11,159
I really thought
the highlight of my career

273
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:12,911
was many, many years ago

274
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:18,541
when I booked the international campaign
to be the spokesman for Subway.

275
00:15:18,542 --> 00:15:21,419
Now... that's a real thing.

276
00:15:21,420 --> 00:15:24,589
That really happened to me.
It took ten auditions.

277
00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:27,550
And when I got the call
that I had booked this job,

278
00:15:27,551 --> 00:15:32,180
I had the same thought that many of you
are probably having right now,

279
00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:34,808
which is, what about Jared, you know?

280
00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:39,187
Jared, the now former spokesman,

281
00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:42,815
was really prominent
in advertising at this time.

282
00:15:42,816 --> 00:15:45,234
So when I got the call
that I was the new spokesman,

283
00:15:45,235 --> 00:15:48,988
I asked them. I was like,
"Wait, am I replacing Jared?"

284
00:15:48,989 --> 00:15:51,533
And they were like, "Fuck no."

285
00:15:52,993 --> 00:15:57,246
See, if you don't know this man's story,
he used to weigh 500 pounds,

286
00:15:57,247 --> 00:15:59,749
and he would go to his local Subway,

287
00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:02,043
and he would order a six-inch turkey sub,

288
00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:03,628
and he'd go on long walks.

289
00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:08,174
And over the course of several years,
he lost nearly 300 pounds.

290
00:16:08,175 --> 00:16:13,137
Well, Subway did a one-time commercial
that was so successful,

291
00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:16,557
they named him the permanent spokesman.

292
00:16:16,558 --> 00:16:19,353
But the problem was...

293
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:35,034
They could only use Jared
to promote their healthy subs.

294
00:16:35,035 --> 00:16:37,287
And they needed someone...

295
00:16:40,457 --> 00:16:44,169
that looked like
they could shit standing up, right?

296
00:16:46,463 --> 00:16:48,298
That's where your boy came in.

297
00:16:49,174 --> 00:16:51,342
I was like, "Wait a minute,
Jared's gonna say,

298
00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:54,637
'Eat the turkey sub and the veggie sub.'"
"What am I gonna say?"

299
00:16:54,638 --> 00:16:58,100
They're like, "You're gonna say, 'Don't
forget we have a meatball sub too.'"

300
00:16:59,351 --> 00:17:01,019
I was like, "Okay, I can do that."

301
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:03,312
But my next question was more relevant.

302
00:17:03,313 --> 00:17:06,274
I was like, "Wait, Jared plays himself.
He's Jared."

303
00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:09,902
"Am I playing Tom, the comedian,
in these commercials?"

304
00:17:09,903 --> 00:17:12,697
And they were like,
"No, Jared will remain Jared."

305
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:16,368
"You, Tom, are gonna play
his derelict brother

306
00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:20,622
who's a mess
and eats like a fucking raccoon."

307
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:23,917
I was like, "Okay, I can do that."

308
00:17:24,501 --> 00:17:27,211
I go, "I'm a character."
They go, "Yes, you're a character."

309
00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:29,172
I go, "Great, what's my name?"

310
00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:30,841
And they go, "Jerome."

311
00:17:34,261 --> 00:17:37,097
I took a beat and I go,
"That's a Black guy's name."

312
00:17:39,099 --> 00:17:42,477
And I'll never forget
the chief marketing officer of Subway

313
00:17:42,478 --> 00:17:44,937
looked me dead in my face, and he goes,

314
00:17:44,938 --> 00:17:47,816
"Anybody can be named Jerome."

315
00:17:50,652 --> 00:17:52,737
I go, "Yeah, anybody can be named Tanner."

316
00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:54,990
"That's a fucking white guy's name,
isn't it?"

317
00:17:57,326 --> 00:18:00,620
He goes, "We'll take your concerns
back to the board."

318
00:18:00,621 --> 00:18:04,457
Two weeks later, I am in New York City
and I'm doing a wardrobe fitting

319
00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:06,334
to start shooting the commercials.

320
00:18:06,335 --> 00:18:08,836
This guy walks
into my dressing room and he goes,

321
00:18:08,837 --> 00:18:12,757
"Hey, everybody agreed
with your name issue."

322
00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:13,884
And I go...

323
00:18:16,303 --> 00:18:17,763
"No shit."

324
00:18:19,139 --> 00:18:21,349
"What's the new name? Jeff, Jason?"

325
00:18:21,350 --> 00:18:22,893
He goes, "Jermaine."

326
00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:29,942
I go, "That is way Blacker."

327
00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:34,279
"Am I wearing gold fronts
in these commercials?"

328
00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:37,490
He goes, "It's settled."

329
00:18:37,491 --> 00:18:39,242
I go, "Okay."

330
00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:42,787
And then we shot commercials, you guys.
We shot a bunch of commercials.

331
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:44,330
Then we went on hiatus

332
00:18:44,331 --> 00:18:46,666
and we were gonna shoot
six more commercials

333
00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:49,085
to launch this massive campaign.

334
00:18:49,086 --> 00:18:50,962
Well, the marketing guy resigned.

335
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:53,464
A new guy came in, and he killed the ads.

336
00:18:53,465 --> 00:18:56,801
So I got the call. They go, "It's over.
These are never gonna air."

337
00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:59,303
"You don't get the contract.
This is not happening."

338
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:00,930
And I got so depressed.

339
00:19:00,931 --> 00:19:04,100
I was like, "This was my big shot.
It slipped through my fingers."

340
00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:07,145
"I'm never gonna have
another opportunity like this again."

341
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:09,063
I just couldn't see the light.

342
00:19:09,064 --> 00:19:10,357
And then...

343
00:19:14,278 --> 00:19:16,113
About ten years went by.

344
00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:22,327
And one day I turned on the television,
and our old buddy Jared

345
00:19:23,078 --> 00:19:24,287
was on TV too.

346
00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:26,707
Only it wasn't a Subway commercial.

347
00:19:27,958 --> 00:19:29,960
It was the evening news.

348
00:19:30,711 --> 00:19:33,963
And they were reporting
that Jared was being sentenced

349
00:19:33,964 --> 00:19:37,967
to 19 years in prison
for child pornography.

350
00:19:37,968 --> 00:19:39,969
I dropped to my knees. "Thank you, Jesus."

351
00:19:39,970 --> 00:19:43,723
"Thank you for taking that away.
I'm sorry I ever doubted you."

352
00:19:43,724 --> 00:19:45,808
"I will never do it again."

353
00:19:45,809 --> 00:19:48,811
Because if that campaign had aired,

354
00:19:48,812 --> 00:19:50,813
it would have been ten years

355
00:19:50,814 --> 00:19:54,525
of us doing commercials together,
being on billboards together,

356
00:19:54,526 --> 00:19:56,861
doing public appearances together.

357
00:19:56,862 --> 00:20:01,240
And the day
that awful news dropped about him,

358
00:20:01,241 --> 00:20:04,785
all of you would have seen me
on the street

359
00:20:04,786 --> 00:20:07,247
and been like, "Hey, Jermaine!"

360
00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:14,670
I'd be like, "What? I'm Tom."

361
00:20:14,671 --> 00:20:17,174
And you'd go, "Shut up,
you Black piece of shit."

362
00:20:24,556 --> 00:20:26,516
And you'd go, "You fucking knew!"

363
00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:29,018
"You fucking knew!"

364
00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:31,437
I'd go, "I don't know anything.
I don't know what to say."

365
00:20:31,438 --> 00:20:33,357
"Eat fresh. I'm sorry." So...

366
00:20:34,566 --> 00:20:36,692
I'm glad this worked out.
This is way more fun.

367
00:20:36,693 --> 00:20:38,570
So thank you for being here, and...

368
00:20:42,908 --> 00:20:44,034
Yeah...

369
00:20:47,162 --> 00:20:50,873
I do still have his phone number,
if you're wondering.

370
00:20:50,874 --> 00:20:53,085
I did try sending him a link one time...

371
00:20:57,422 --> 00:20:58,882
to adult porn.

372
00:21:00,342 --> 00:21:02,803
Because I thought
he wouldn't like it, but...

373
00:21:06,974 --> 00:21:12,186
Hey, did you guys know... did you know,
that in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba,

374
00:21:12,187 --> 00:21:17,233
at the naval prison that houses
some of the most dangerous men on earth

375
00:21:17,234 --> 00:21:21,237
and also other people...
who have never done anything.

376
00:21:21,238 --> 00:21:22,572
Did you know...

377
00:21:23,156 --> 00:21:24,031
Look it up.

378
00:21:24,032 --> 00:21:25,242
Did you know

379
00:21:26,326 --> 00:21:29,287
that the guards there
are specially trained?

380
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:31,247
Now, I know this because I went there.

381
00:21:31,248 --> 00:21:37,378
I went to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba,
to do shows for fucking us.

382
00:21:37,379 --> 00:21:38,629
Yeah, for the troops.

383
00:21:38,630 --> 00:21:40,840
They weren't like,
"Here's the 9/11 planners."

384
00:21:40,841 --> 00:21:42,843
"Why don't you give them a giggle?"

385
00:21:43,844 --> 00:21:45,344
That'd be insane if they're like,

386
00:21:45,345 --> 00:21:48,806
"Get in there and you make
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed laugh."

387
00:21:48,807 --> 00:21:50,309
And I'm like, "What the fuck?"

388
00:21:59,860 --> 00:22:02,612
He's like, "Ha, ha, ha.
I like. He's a funny guy."

389
00:22:04,323 --> 00:22:07,450
So when you go to GITMO,
you don't just buy a ticket, right?

390
00:22:07,451 --> 00:22:08,743
You fly to Florida,

391
00:22:08,744 --> 00:22:12,121
and a military plane picks you up
and they take you to the base,

392
00:22:12,122 --> 00:22:16,375
and you're greeted by high-ranking
naval officers, and they're pretty formal.

393
00:22:16,376 --> 00:22:19,211
They go, "Thank you for coming.
We're excited for your show."

394
00:22:19,212 --> 00:22:21,964
"We'll put you in the housing unit.
Let us know if you need anything."

395
00:22:21,965 --> 00:22:23,382
You go, "Thanks very much."

396
00:22:23,383 --> 00:22:28,012
And then they pass you off to some
Marines who are a little different.

397
00:22:28,013 --> 00:22:31,432
And then first thing
these guys said to me, they go,

398
00:22:31,433 --> 00:22:33,101
"You want to see some shit?"

399
00:22:35,145 --> 00:22:37,356
I go, "Yeah, fuck yeah, of course, yes."

400
00:22:38,357 --> 00:22:41,609
So these guys put me in a Jeep,
and they took me to a hilltop.

401
00:22:41,610 --> 00:22:44,612
They're like, "You shouldn't
be up here. It's classified."

402
00:22:44,613 --> 00:22:46,698
I go, "You just fucking drove me here."

403
00:22:48,700 --> 00:22:50,660
They're like, "All right, good point."

404
00:22:51,286 --> 00:22:55,081
They point to this white building.
They go, "That's level four."

405
00:22:55,082 --> 00:22:57,500
"That's what you see on the news."
I go, "Wow."

406
00:22:57,501 --> 00:22:59,710
Then they tell me
this fascinating insight.

407
00:22:59,711 --> 00:23:03,923
They tell me that the guards there
are specially trained.

408
00:23:03,924 --> 00:23:06,384
So I assume
they're talking about Navy SEALs.

409
00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:08,844
They go, "No, they're trained
for their demeanor,

410
00:23:08,845 --> 00:23:10,262
how they carry themselves."

411
00:23:10,263 --> 00:23:11,514
"What do you mean?"

412
00:23:11,515 --> 00:23:15,059
They said, "The prisoners
often protest their imprisonment

413
00:23:15,060 --> 00:23:19,772
by throwing their feces
and their urine in the guards' faces."

414
00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:23,150
And the guards are
not allowed to retaliate.

415
00:23:23,151 --> 00:23:27,238
They're only allowed to say two things
back to the prisoner when that happens.

416
00:23:27,239 --> 00:23:30,200
They're allowed to say, "Are you hungry?"

417
00:23:31,618 --> 00:23:34,121
Or, "Are you thirsty?"

418
00:23:34,788 --> 00:23:35,704
That's it.

419
00:23:35,705 --> 00:23:37,206
And if the...

420
00:23:37,207 --> 00:23:38,708
If the guard...

421
00:23:40,961 --> 00:23:43,088
It's funny when you think about it.

422
00:23:44,464 --> 00:23:47,216
If the guard <i>does</i> retaliate,

423
00:23:47,217 --> 00:23:49,802
the guard can be court-martialed,

424
00:23:49,803 --> 00:23:53,556
meaning you can go to prison

425
00:23:53,557 --> 00:23:56,058
for retaliating against someone

426
00:23:56,059 --> 00:24:00,981
who threw shit and piss in your face.

427
00:24:02,232 --> 00:24:05,443
This is what it's like
to be the father of a six-year-old boy.

428
00:24:05,444 --> 00:24:07,445
My son...

429
00:24:07,446 --> 00:24:09,155
Yeah, that's called an A1 setup.

430
00:24:09,156 --> 00:24:10,991
That's why I'm a big-time comedian.

431
00:24:11,908 --> 00:24:12,909
Sure.

432
00:24:17,247 --> 00:24:19,958
I have two sons.
They're both kind of dicks, but...

433
00:24:20,625 --> 00:24:24,671
The six-year-old, I walk into my house
a couple weeks ago, he goes, "Hey, man."

434
00:24:26,173 --> 00:24:27,591
He goes, "Pick me up."

435
00:24:28,133 --> 00:24:30,510
I go, "Pick you up?" He goes, "Hold me."

436
00:24:31,344 --> 00:24:33,512
He hasn't asked me to hold him
in like a year.

437
00:24:33,513 --> 00:24:36,349
I go, "You want me to hold you?"
He goes, "Yeah, pick me up."

438
00:24:37,559 --> 00:24:39,185
All right, so I pick him up.

439
00:24:39,186 --> 00:24:42,646
I'm looking at my baby boy.
"You just want Dad to hold you?"

440
00:24:42,647 --> 00:24:44,357
He goes, "It feels good, man."

441
00:24:46,568 --> 00:24:47,985
I go, "I like it too, buddy."

442
00:24:47,986 --> 00:24:49,737
And then a moment later,

443
00:24:49,738 --> 00:24:51,780
I feel a hot,

444
00:24:51,781 --> 00:24:55,327
piercing, spreading sensation

445
00:24:55,827 --> 00:24:57,995
on my midsection.

446
00:24:57,996 --> 00:24:59,998
I go, "Are you peeing on me?"

447
00:25:00,957 --> 00:25:02,334
And he goes, "Yeah."

448
00:25:05,420 --> 00:25:07,339
I wanted to hit him so bad.

449
00:25:09,090 --> 00:25:11,426
Like really hit him too, you know? Like...

450
00:25:11,968 --> 00:25:12,844
Like...

451
00:25:13,553 --> 00:25:16,139
knock his fucking teeth out of his mouth.

452
00:25:17,015 --> 00:25:18,266
But I didn't.

453
00:25:18,975 --> 00:25:20,101
I dropped him.

454
00:25:22,187 --> 00:25:23,522
I go, "You hungry?"

455
00:25:25,106 --> 00:25:26,358
"You thirsty?"

456
00:25:27,609 --> 00:25:29,069
"Is that why you did that?"

457
00:25:36,284 --> 00:25:37,618
This kid is insane.

458
00:25:37,619 --> 00:25:40,371
I mean, he hates his real name.

459
00:25:40,372 --> 00:25:43,457
And this is something
that came about a few years ago.

460
00:25:43,458 --> 00:25:46,252
And when it first happened,
I got kind of nervous.

461
00:25:46,253 --> 00:25:48,087
I did what you do in those situations.

462
00:25:48,088 --> 00:25:51,173
I asked other parents, and they were like,
"It's just a phase."

463
00:25:51,174 --> 00:25:53,175
I go, "What?" "It's a little phase."

464
00:25:53,176 --> 00:25:54,718
"He's going through a phase."

465
00:25:54,719 --> 00:25:57,930
"A lot of kids don't like their names.
It'll end in a little bit."

466
00:25:57,931 --> 00:26:01,518
I was like, "It's a phase? Do you know
how long it's been? About three years."

467
00:26:02,394 --> 00:26:05,980
That isn't so much a phase
in my opinion as a new path.

468
00:26:05,981 --> 00:26:07,773
That's where I think we are.

469
00:26:07,774 --> 00:26:11,360
His birth name is Julian.
That's what we've always called him.

470
00:26:11,361 --> 00:26:13,696
And that's what he used to respond to

471
00:26:13,697 --> 00:26:16,908
because it's his fucking name, right?

472
00:26:18,285 --> 00:26:20,744
He would also respond to variations of it.

473
00:26:20,745 --> 00:26:22,830
Julian, Juju, Jujito,

474
00:26:22,831 --> 00:26:24,082
<i>Julian.</i>

475
00:26:25,333 --> 00:26:26,876
And he'd be like, "Mm-hmm."

476
00:26:27,752 --> 00:26:30,963
And then one day, about three years ago,
I was like, "Hey, Julian."

477
00:26:30,964 --> 00:26:33,966
He was like, "Don't ever call me that.
I hate that name."

478
00:26:33,967 --> 00:26:36,135
"When you say that name, I want to die."

479
00:26:36,136 --> 00:26:38,762
And I'm like, "Oh my God, okay."

480
00:26:38,763 --> 00:26:41,348
So now this kid will only talk to us

481
00:26:41,349 --> 00:26:44,977
if we call him by his self-imposed name,

482
00:26:44,978 --> 00:26:46,938
which, buckle up...

483
00:26:48,690 --> 00:26:50,233
...is "Teacher."

484
00:26:53,361 --> 00:26:55,780
Is there a creepier name...

485
00:26:56,656 --> 00:26:59,491
to use when addressing a small child?

486
00:26:59,492 --> 00:27:01,453
Like, "Hello, my teacher."

487
00:27:03,038 --> 00:27:06,040
Is this <i>The Shining?</i>
Because it feels like it.

488
00:27:06,041 --> 00:27:08,208
It feels like Jordan Peele's next movie.

489
00:27:08,209 --> 00:27:12,379
Like a fucking kid from the woods
that walks into town

490
00:27:12,380 --> 00:27:14,381
to follow Teacher and live long.

491
00:27:14,382 --> 00:27:15,884
And you're like, "Okay."

492
00:27:16,551 --> 00:27:17,635
You get it, right?

493
00:27:17,636 --> 00:27:22,265
I walk into my own house,
and I go, "Is Teacher here?"

494
00:27:23,308 --> 00:27:24,350
And he goes, "Yes."

495
00:27:24,351 --> 00:27:26,394
And I go, "Hello, sir."

496
00:27:27,228 --> 00:27:30,481
And people have the balls to ask me.
They're like, "Are you worried?"

497
00:27:30,482 --> 00:27:32,067
Of course I'm fucking worried.

498
00:27:33,777 --> 00:27:37,488
The only other person I know
that went by "Teacher" is Charles Manson.

499
00:27:37,489 --> 00:27:39,240
So yeah, I'm worried.

500
00:27:40,325 --> 00:27:42,243
He was a substitute teacher. Now...

501
00:27:43,078 --> 00:27:45,245
His older brother, he likes math.

502
00:27:45,246 --> 00:27:47,623
He likes video games.
He's an interesting kid.

503
00:27:47,624 --> 00:27:51,585
He also has the voice of somebody
who gargles with butane.

504
00:27:51,586 --> 00:27:53,837
I don't know what is happening.

505
00:27:53,838 --> 00:27:56,340
He's nine years old.
He's like, "What's up, bro?"

506
00:27:56,341 --> 00:27:57,550
I go, "Hey."

507
00:27:58,468 --> 00:28:00,804
"How's working in the mines? Is that fun?"

508
00:28:02,013 --> 00:28:05,099
He's also bananas. If I say,
"Let's go out," he's like, "All right."

509
00:28:05,100 --> 00:28:09,895
He'll come in the living room wearing
rain boots, tighty whities, and goggles.

510
00:28:09,896 --> 00:28:12,774
And I'm like,
"Are you on shrooms right now?"

511
00:28:14,275 --> 00:28:18,196
"The only place you can wear that
is a gay parade, and..."

512
00:28:18,822 --> 00:28:21,407
"No, it's cool if you are,
but there isn't one today."

513
00:28:21,408 --> 00:28:23,618
"So put some fucking clothes on, okay?"

514
00:28:24,994 --> 00:28:29,749
We took these two future subjects
of <i>America's Most Wanted...</i>

515
00:28:31,418 --> 00:28:34,545
Believe me,
the Menendez brothers don't have shit

516
00:28:34,546 --> 00:28:36,881
on the Segura brothers, okay?

517
00:28:38,299 --> 00:28:43,929
We took these little sociopaths to visit
my sister last Thanksgiving in Florida.

518
00:28:43,930 --> 00:28:47,725
And on Thanksgiving Day, we did
what a lot of families down there do.

519
00:28:47,726 --> 00:28:51,270
We just went on a family walk,
like a nice casual stroll.

520
00:28:51,271 --> 00:28:54,565
And on this family walk,
we ended up at a little pond.

521
00:28:54,566 --> 00:29:00,028
And at the pond, there were
other families feeding bread to ducks.

522
00:29:00,029 --> 00:29:02,197
It looked like a painting.

523
00:29:02,198 --> 00:29:05,617
And I remember,
as we approached, thinking to myself,

524
00:29:05,618 --> 00:29:09,204
"I wonder how my boys will ruin this."

525
00:29:09,205 --> 00:29:10,999
Right?

526
00:29:11,875 --> 00:29:14,251
So we walk up, and this guy sees me.

527
00:29:14,252 --> 00:29:16,211
He goes, "Hey, man, you want some bread?"

528
00:29:16,212 --> 00:29:17,546
I go, "Yeah, thanks, dude."

529
00:29:17,547 --> 00:29:21,384
And then I turn to fucking Teacher.

530
00:29:42,739 --> 00:29:44,324
I go, "Hey, Teach."

531
00:29:45,784 --> 00:29:47,827
"Bread?" And he goes, "Give me that."

532
00:29:48,703 --> 00:29:51,747
He's just throwing it as hard as he can.
I'm like, "All right."

533
00:29:51,748 --> 00:29:53,791
Then I turned to his brother.
"Here you go."

534
00:29:53,792 --> 00:29:55,376
He goes, "I don't want that."

535
00:29:56,127 --> 00:29:59,297
I go, "What?"
He goes, "I don't need that."

536
00:30:00,715 --> 00:30:01,841
Happy Thanksgiving.

537
00:30:03,134 --> 00:30:06,512
And then he just walks up
to the edge of the water,

538
00:30:06,513 --> 00:30:08,807
and he grabs a duck by the neck.

539
00:30:10,558 --> 00:30:14,312
And he holds it up
like he's Genghis Khan, okay? He's like...

540
00:30:17,065 --> 00:30:19,150
You know, the duck is like...

541
00:30:23,655 --> 00:30:25,865
I look at Teacher, and Teacher's like...

542
00:30:29,661 --> 00:30:32,079
I go, "What are you doing?"
He goes, "We can cook it."

543
00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:33,331
I go, "No, no."

544
00:30:34,207 --> 00:30:36,000
"We're all set today, pal."

545
00:30:36,543 --> 00:30:39,170
He goes, "Can I keep it?"
I go, "Of course not."

546
00:30:39,712 --> 00:30:41,381
He goes, "You're never fun."

547
00:30:42,465 --> 00:30:44,174
I go, "Let it go."

548
00:30:44,175 --> 00:30:45,843
And he goes, "Oh."

549
00:30:45,844 --> 00:30:49,722
And then I turn and I see
all the other parents who are like...

550
00:30:52,475 --> 00:30:55,645
I go, "He's a foster kid.
They're bad, you know?"

551
00:30:56,604 --> 00:30:59,106
We're trying to make him good
for you guys.

552
00:30:59,107 --> 00:31:01,608
Yeah, well...

553
00:31:01,609 --> 00:31:03,570
You know...

554
00:31:06,781 --> 00:31:09,742
"We got him in Ukraine.
He's been a handful." Um...

555
00:31:10,535 --> 00:31:12,704
He's blonde. They bought it.

556
00:31:14,372 --> 00:31:17,749
This tour has been a lot of fun.
We've gone to a lot of fun places.

557
00:31:17,750 --> 00:31:21,044
You learn things sometimes
when you travel. You pick up on things.

558
00:31:21,045 --> 00:31:26,758
A few weeks ago, we were in Augusta,
Georgia, the Coke Zero of their cities.

559
00:31:26,759 --> 00:31:27,886
And...

560
00:31:29,137 --> 00:31:31,805
Augusta is quite famous,
if you don't know.

561
00:31:31,806 --> 00:31:33,765
It's the home of Augusta National,

562
00:31:33,766 --> 00:31:36,059
which is a country club and golf course

563
00:31:36,060 --> 00:31:40,272
where they play arguably
the most famous tournament in all of golf,

564
00:31:40,273 --> 00:31:43,151
appropriately titled, "The Masters."

565
00:31:43,693 --> 00:31:47,237
It's a curious name choice
for the deep South.

566
00:31:47,238 --> 00:31:48,197
Now...

567
00:31:51,492 --> 00:31:54,453
Perhaps a different pronunciation
when they named it?

568
00:31:54,454 --> 00:31:55,662
<i>Mm-massa.</i>

569
00:31:55,663 --> 00:31:57,165
So...

570
00:31:58,166 --> 00:31:59,834
I didn't name it. It was built...

571
00:32:01,252 --> 00:32:04,546
The club was built in 1933

572
00:32:04,547 --> 00:32:07,842
by what I would call top-shelf whites.

573
00:32:09,302 --> 00:32:10,761
The whitest whites.

574
00:32:10,762 --> 00:32:14,431
Whites so white, they sang white songs
during their backswings.

575
00:32:14,432 --> 00:32:16,517
Like... <i>I'm white</i>

576
00:32:18,478 --> 00:32:21,563
No rhythm or flow,
more of a statement, you know?

577
00:32:21,564 --> 00:32:23,815
Now, the club is also notorious

578
00:32:23,816 --> 00:32:27,611
for having a very exclusionary past.

579
00:32:27,612 --> 00:32:30,614
They are not a big fan of "others."

580
00:32:30,615 --> 00:32:35,160
So... we spent all day there,
and I decided to look it up.

581
00:32:35,161 --> 00:32:40,123
I looked up, "When did they let in
their first Black member?"

582
00:32:40,124 --> 00:32:43,878
And I'll give you guys a hint.
It's later than you think.

583
00:32:46,381 --> 00:32:47,464
Are you ready?

584
00:32:47,465 --> 00:32:49,467
1990.

585
00:32:50,843 --> 00:32:52,511
Yeah, they waited.

586
00:32:52,512 --> 00:32:54,513
They were like...

587
00:32:54,514 --> 00:32:58,433
"Maybe things'll go
back to the way they were. I don't know."

588
00:32:58,434 --> 00:33:00,395
"You don't want to act too fast."

589
00:33:01,604 --> 00:33:04,106
"You don't put on a raincoat
just 'cause it's drizzlin'."

590
00:33:04,107 --> 00:33:05,858
"You know what I'm saying, brother?"

591
00:33:10,238 --> 00:33:15,243
Then I looked up, "When did
they let in their first female member?"

592
00:33:17,870 --> 00:33:19,038
2012.

593
00:33:20,999 --> 00:33:24,002
That's how much women ruin
a good time for men.

594
00:33:32,635 --> 00:33:33,969
I mean, you get it, right?

595
00:33:33,970 --> 00:33:38,515
They went to the most racist guys
in our country.

596
00:33:38,516 --> 00:33:42,936
Guys who their whole lives
was just about hating Black people

597
00:33:42,937 --> 00:33:45,105
with everything inside of them.

598
00:33:45,106 --> 00:33:48,650
And when <i>those guys</i>
were presented with the question,

599
00:33:48,651 --> 00:33:52,947
"Whom would you rather hang out with?"

600
00:33:57,410 --> 00:34:00,078
"Black guys...

601
00:34:00,079 --> 00:34:01,497
or women?"

602
00:34:01,998 --> 00:34:04,709
They were like,
"Mmm... Give us all the Blacks you got."

603
00:34:06,127 --> 00:34:09,297
"We will learn their fancy handshakes.
I don't give a fuck."

604
00:34:10,214 --> 00:34:14,801
"I don't want some broad yapping
in my ear, ruining my Sunday round."

605
00:34:14,802 --> 00:34:17,513
"Uh-uh. Come on, Jermaine,
let me show you how we do this."

606
00:34:20,016 --> 00:34:21,142
"Get you a tee."

607
00:34:26,230 --> 00:34:29,859
"What's with all the dancing?
You gonna do that after every hole?"

608
00:34:35,239 --> 00:34:37,742
"I got me a birdie." All right, so...

609
00:34:39,368 --> 00:34:40,995
Are you...

610
00:34:42,371 --> 00:34:45,332
Are you fans of documentaries?
Do you like watching them?

611
00:34:45,333 --> 00:34:46,876
Because I...

612
00:34:49,045 --> 00:34:50,003
I love them.

613
00:34:50,004 --> 00:34:54,633
I love being filled with the confidence
of surface-level knowledge

614
00:34:54,634 --> 00:34:57,761
without the burden of reading, you know?

615
00:34:57,762 --> 00:35:00,430
And so I've lost track.
I've seen so many now.

616
00:35:00,431 --> 00:35:02,349
Sometimes they're quite informative.

617
00:35:02,350 --> 00:35:04,267
Other times they're just amusing.

618
00:35:04,268 --> 00:35:06,645
I mean, the funniest thing
I've seen in a year

619
00:35:06,646 --> 00:35:09,606
is a Netflix documentary series
called <i>Untold,</i>

620
00:35:09,607 --> 00:35:12,317
which focuses on sports stories, yeah.

621
00:35:12,318 --> 00:35:14,361
And there's one in particular on there.

622
00:35:14,362 --> 00:35:16,947
It's about a guy named Johnny Manziel.

623
00:35:16,948 --> 00:35:18,532
Now...

624
00:35:18,533 --> 00:35:23,120
If you're in this theater
and you do not know who Johnny Manziel is,

625
00:35:23,121 --> 00:35:25,832
I will now use my time to tell you.

626
00:35:27,583 --> 00:35:31,878
Johnny Manziel is the first
and only redshirt freshman

627
00:35:31,879 --> 00:35:33,964
to win the Heisman Trophy.

628
00:35:33,965 --> 00:35:36,299
That's the highest honor
in college football.

629
00:35:36,300 --> 00:35:38,260
It goes to the nation's best player.

630
00:35:38,261 --> 00:35:40,345
Redshirt freshman simply means

631
00:35:40,346 --> 00:35:43,765
he was 18 months removed from high school

632
00:35:43,766 --> 00:35:46,726
when he didn't just play this sport,
he dominated it.

633
00:35:46,727 --> 00:35:50,272
And when you watch this documentary,
you will learn that he did this

634
00:35:50,273 --> 00:35:53,693
while mostly high and drunk.
Like, pretty fucked up.

635
00:35:54,902 --> 00:36:00,365
The best is they interview all his former
shit-kicking Texas-based coaches,

636
00:36:00,366 --> 00:36:04,370
who are like, "Yeah, man, he would
come to practice. He'd be all shit-faced."

637
00:36:05,496 --> 00:36:08,583
And we would say,
"Johnny, you better not fuck this up."

638
00:36:09,750 --> 00:36:13,004
"And then he didn't. He was awesome."
And you're like, wait, what?

639
00:36:15,464 --> 00:36:20,760
He was playing nationally televised games
every Saturday with millions of viewers,

640
00:36:20,761 --> 00:36:24,599
either drunk, high, or hungover,
just on the sidelines.

641
00:36:26,726 --> 00:36:28,769
And his coaches are like, "Johnny!"

642
00:36:29,478 --> 00:36:31,980
And he was like,
"Watch this shit, six touchdowns."

643
00:36:31,981 --> 00:36:33,816
You're like, "Holy shit!"

644
00:36:34,734 --> 00:36:36,903
"Give him more drugs. This is working."

645
00:36:38,237 --> 00:36:39,404
He wins the Heisman.

646
00:36:39,405 --> 00:36:42,324
Sophomore year,
he comes back, he's trying new things,

647
00:36:42,325 --> 00:36:44,868
he's sprinkling dust on his shit,
you know?

648
00:36:44,869 --> 00:36:47,329
He's evolving. He plays amazing.

649
00:36:47,330 --> 00:36:49,789
Again, he almost wins it back-to-back.

650
00:36:49,790 --> 00:36:52,209
Then he goes into the NFL
to play professionally.

651
00:36:52,210 --> 00:36:54,211
And they're like,
"You need to clean up your act."

652
00:36:54,212 --> 00:36:56,421
And he was like,
"I don't wanna play football anymore."

653
00:36:56,422 --> 00:36:58,381
And... that's the whole story.

654
00:36:58,382 --> 00:36:59,300
Now...

655
00:37:01,802 --> 00:37:04,137
To me, his story is more than that,

656
00:37:04,138 --> 00:37:06,139
because for me, in my personal life,

657
00:37:06,140 --> 00:37:11,144
I use his story as one that...
where I can see I've evolved some.

658
00:37:11,145 --> 00:37:13,355
See, I used to judge him very harshly.

659
00:37:13,356 --> 00:37:14,522
A lot of people do.

660
00:37:14,523 --> 00:37:16,900
All they see is a blown opportunity.

661
00:37:16,901 --> 00:37:20,028
But the older I've gotten,
I see it through a different lens.

662
00:37:20,029 --> 00:37:23,823
I realize that's a lot of pressure
for a young man to have.

663
00:37:23,824 --> 00:37:27,577
A lot of people in their thirties,
forties, and fifties can't handle that,

664
00:37:27,578 --> 00:37:29,579
let alone a freshman in college.

665
00:37:29,580 --> 00:37:32,499
You know, the celebrity,
the fame, the money...

666
00:37:32,500 --> 00:37:35,335
And so now I do the thing
that you do if you can.

667
00:37:35,336 --> 00:37:38,838
You put yourself in someone else's shoes.
And I can do that.

668
00:37:38,839 --> 00:37:41,132
I was once a freshman in college.

669
00:37:41,133 --> 00:37:44,302
I wasn't dominating college football.

670
00:37:44,303 --> 00:37:47,514
I was going to class,
and I was working part-time

671
00:37:47,515 --> 00:37:49,976
at a shopping cart manufacturer.

672
00:37:51,686 --> 00:37:53,938
A place that makes shopping carts.

673
00:37:54,981 --> 00:37:56,398
Here's how cool that job was.

674
00:37:56,399 --> 00:37:59,776
I went in there once on a Monday,
and I went up to my boss.

675
00:37:59,777 --> 00:38:02,279
I go, "I think I'm gonna quit on Friday."

676
00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:04,824
And he goes, "Yeah, a lot of people do."

677
00:38:07,368 --> 00:38:08,244
Okay.

678
00:38:08,744 --> 00:38:12,247
And then on Friday, he goes,
"Yeah, you're done." I go, "Okay, great."

679
00:38:12,248 --> 00:38:15,083
Then he tells me,
"Hey, kid, a lot of people here like you."

680
00:38:15,084 --> 00:38:19,212
"Let's go to the bar down the street and
we'll toast you to whatever you do next."

681
00:38:19,213 --> 00:38:21,465
I go, "Okay, I'm underage,
but let's do it."

682
00:38:22,341 --> 00:38:24,843
So we went, you know.
People from the office came.

683
00:38:24,844 --> 00:38:25,885
They were so nice.

684
00:38:25,886 --> 00:38:29,180
They gave me good luck cards,
little gifts and such.

685
00:38:29,181 --> 00:38:34,352
And then one of them gave me
a bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey,

686
00:38:34,353 --> 00:38:38,398
which was definitely meant
to be a parting gift.

687
00:38:38,399 --> 00:38:40,483
You know, like, "Take this with you."

688
00:38:40,484 --> 00:38:43,194
And I was like,
"I'll just drink it here at the bar."

689
00:38:43,195 --> 00:38:45,947
Bartender's like, "You can't do that."

690
00:38:45,948 --> 00:38:48,366
I go, "I can't hear you."
I'm just gonna do it.

691
00:38:48,367 --> 00:38:51,953
How can I make fun of Johnny
for not being able to handle millions?

692
00:38:51,954 --> 00:38:54,457
I can't handle
a free fucking bottle of booze.

693
00:38:55,124 --> 00:38:58,710
And let me tell you something,
if you don't drink whiskey, if you start...

694
00:38:58,711 --> 00:39:01,755
If you tip back the bottle
three or four times,

695
00:39:01,756 --> 00:39:03,131
your brain actually goes,

696
00:39:03,132 --> 00:39:06,676
"Hey, there's too many lights on in here."

697
00:39:06,677 --> 00:39:08,346
Beep, bop, boop.

698
00:39:11,307 --> 00:39:13,309
And you go, "I wanna do bad shit."

699
00:39:15,644 --> 00:39:18,563
I started taking people's change
that was on the bar.

700
00:39:18,564 --> 00:39:20,608
I was like, "That's my shit, fuck you."

701
00:39:22,651 --> 00:39:26,196
My friends were like, "Hey, calm down."
I go, "You fucking calm down."

702
00:39:26,197 --> 00:39:28,531
Then I ended up going home with a lady

703
00:39:28,532 --> 00:39:31,743
who had a <i>most</i> unfortunate face.

704
00:39:31,744 --> 00:39:32,703
Yeah.

705
00:39:34,246 --> 00:39:38,125
You think I'm being mean, but I know
I'm being honest. That's why we're here.

706
00:39:39,460 --> 00:39:41,378
I blacked out, thankfully.

707
00:39:41,379 --> 00:39:44,214
Um... Some of you never blacked out.

708
00:39:44,215 --> 00:39:47,258
Congratulations
on your healthy lifestyle choices.

709
00:39:47,259 --> 00:39:50,470
But... the rest of us know it is horrifying.

710
00:39:50,471 --> 00:39:53,139
I mean, I remember
I woke up that next morning.

711
00:39:53,140 --> 00:39:55,101
I was looking out a window

712
00:39:55,810 --> 00:39:58,771
into a yard I didn't recognize.

713
00:40:00,064 --> 00:40:02,149
And I was like, "Where am I?"

714
00:40:02,775 --> 00:40:04,652
"And what is this?"

715
00:40:06,278 --> 00:40:10,741
And then I turned over,
and this fucking gargoyle appeared.

716
00:40:12,410 --> 00:40:14,578
And I audibly gasped

717
00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:16,622
in her face.

718
00:40:17,415 --> 00:40:20,126
You understand?
Like, I'm here. And I went... "Ohh!"

719
00:40:22,294 --> 00:40:23,546
Ahh!

720
00:40:24,505 --> 00:40:27,591
And she was used to it.
She was like, "I know. I know."

721
00:40:30,136 --> 00:40:32,221
"You're not the first fella to do <i>that.</i>"

722
00:40:33,264 --> 00:40:37,976
She looked like Bill Belichick,
the former... Patriots coach.

723
00:40:37,977 --> 00:40:41,063
Picture him
with shoulder-length, brown hair.

724
00:40:42,106 --> 00:40:43,858
Same face, same body.

725
00:40:44,525 --> 00:40:47,862
I was like, "Put the fucking hoodie on.
I don't want to see this."

726
00:40:48,362 --> 00:40:52,532
And then I left there, you guys,
feeling tremendous shame.

727
00:40:52,533 --> 00:40:54,576
I told you I was a freshman in college.

728
00:40:54,577 --> 00:40:56,703
I was taking Psychology 101.

729
00:40:56,704 --> 00:41:00,165
We had talked about shame. You know
what they teach you about shame?

730
00:41:00,166 --> 00:41:03,710
They teach you
that shame thrives in secret.

731
00:41:03,711 --> 00:41:05,712
If you feel shame about anything,

732
00:41:05,713 --> 00:41:08,381
you should confide it
in at least one other person

733
00:41:08,382 --> 00:41:10,550
to help release the feeling.

734
00:41:10,551 --> 00:41:13,303
But if you keep it inside,
it festers and grows,

735
00:41:13,304 --> 00:41:14,721
and it can consume you.

736
00:41:14,722 --> 00:41:18,642
And I remember thinking back then,
"How fascinating."

737
00:41:20,019 --> 00:41:22,730
"I feel shame and I know what to do."

738
00:41:23,439 --> 00:41:24,482
"Tell someone."

739
00:41:25,399 --> 00:41:27,735
And then I thought, "Fuck that."

740
00:41:29,528 --> 00:41:33,991
"I will die with this secret...
and bury it under pizza."

741
00:41:34,825 --> 00:41:36,326
And as I was doing that,

742
00:41:36,327 --> 00:41:40,955
I remember getting a call from a guy
who was at that bar the night before.

743
00:41:40,956 --> 00:41:44,292
He goes, "Hey, man,
where did you go after the bar?"

744
00:41:44,293 --> 00:41:46,253
And I said, "I went home."

745
00:41:47,254 --> 00:41:49,215
And he goes, "Did ya?"

746
00:41:51,884 --> 00:41:52,759
I go, "Yeah."

747
00:41:52,760 --> 00:41:54,595
He goes, "I don't think you did."

748
00:41:55,304 --> 00:41:56,596
I go, "No, I did."

749
00:41:56,597 --> 00:41:58,641
And he goes, "Mm, you didn't."

750
00:42:00,518 --> 00:42:03,811
I go, "What are you talking about?"
He goes, "We can stop doing this."

751
00:42:03,812 --> 00:42:06,773
"I'll tell you what you did."
I go, "Okay, what did I do?"

752
00:42:06,774 --> 00:42:10,861
And he goes, "Dude, you fucked my aunt."

753
00:42:29,046 --> 00:42:31,298
I say, "Your aunt is Bill Belichick?"

754
00:42:33,008 --> 00:42:34,385
He goes, "Yeah."

755
00:42:35,219 --> 00:42:38,430
I didn't know what to say,
so I just said, "I'm sorry."

756
00:42:39,473 --> 00:42:41,183
He goes, "No, I'm sorry."

757
00:42:42,101 --> 00:42:44,310
He goes,
"I don't wanna fuck any of my aunts,

758
00:42:44,311 --> 00:42:47,815
but Bill is definitely last on that list."

759
00:42:48,983 --> 00:42:50,651
I switched to weed that day.

760
00:42:52,152 --> 00:42:56,197
Sometimes you watch documentaries,
and it's a whole different experience.

761
00:42:56,198 --> 00:42:57,699
Like, it's just enlightening.

762
00:42:57,700 --> 00:43:00,326
You get information
that you can't let go of.

763
00:43:00,327 --> 00:43:02,120
It just sits in your mind.

764
00:43:02,121 --> 00:43:04,789
You tell people about it.
It's in your dreams.

765
00:43:04,790 --> 00:43:08,626
I mean, I watched one not long ago
that if I had not watched it,

766
00:43:08,627 --> 00:43:13,715
I would have no idea
how much cocaine Hitler did.

767
00:43:13,716 --> 00:43:15,508
No idea.

768
00:43:15,509 --> 00:43:18,052
Like, everybody knows
the Third Reich was on meth.

769
00:43:18,053 --> 00:43:21,222
You know that, right?
The entire German army.

770
00:43:21,223 --> 00:43:24,517
They were on meth during World War II.
Picture that.

771
00:43:24,518 --> 00:43:28,104
A hundred thousand German soldiers

772
00:43:28,105 --> 00:43:30,440
marching through the Ardennes Forest.

773
00:43:30,441 --> 00:43:34,485
Supposed to take six days,
and they did it in 28 minutes.

774
00:43:34,486 --> 00:43:35,696
That's meth.

775
00:43:37,740 --> 00:43:39,949
Imagine you're sitting
in a cabin in Belgium

776
00:43:39,950 --> 00:43:41,869
just drinking fucking milk, I guess...

777
00:43:44,830 --> 00:43:46,456
And you hear...

778
00:43:46,457 --> 00:43:48,459
And you're like, "Holy shit."

779
00:43:50,127 --> 00:43:53,839
I mean, that's meth... You been around
somebody on meth? I have. It's unsettling.

780
00:43:54,923 --> 00:43:57,592
They never stop talking.
They want to fuck everything.

781
00:43:57,593 --> 00:43:58,885
And those are Americans.

782
00:43:58,886 --> 00:44:02,765
Can you imagine what these kinky-ass
Germans were like? Just...

783
00:44:03,932 --> 00:44:05,099
Mmm...

784
00:44:05,100 --> 00:44:07,185
"Oh... I want you to suck me dry--"

785
00:44:07,186 --> 00:44:08,103
"Hey!"

786
00:44:09,563 --> 00:44:11,106
"Gunther, back off."

787
00:44:12,691 --> 00:44:15,526
Now, Hitler did meth too.
It's very well documented.

788
00:44:15,527 --> 00:44:20,823
A lot of people don't know
he was given cocaine in the mornings

789
00:44:20,824 --> 00:44:22,992
by his personal doctor.

790
00:44:22,993 --> 00:44:27,372
Like, you think Michael Jackson's doctor
was out of line?

791
00:44:27,373 --> 00:44:29,624
That was propofol to go to sleep.

792
00:44:29,625 --> 00:44:31,918
That's JV shit, okay?

793
00:44:31,919 --> 00:44:33,920
Like, "I want to go to sleep."

794
00:44:33,921 --> 00:44:35,089
"Oh, fuck."

795
00:44:37,716 --> 00:44:41,719
Hitler would wake up,
and then his doctor was like,

796
00:44:41,720 --> 00:44:44,264
"Good morning, my Führer." And fucking...

797
00:44:45,683 --> 00:44:48,519
And then he was like, "Ah, Jews!"

798
00:44:52,022 --> 00:44:57,820
Dude, to start your day with an eight ball
and a heart full of hatred is wild.

799
00:44:59,905 --> 00:45:01,531
Here's what I really want to know.

800
00:45:01,532 --> 00:45:04,952
Why am I learning about this at 46?

801
00:45:05,744 --> 00:45:07,870
I feel like
every little kid should know this.

802
00:45:07,871 --> 00:45:10,748
Kindergartners should come
up to all of us and be like,

803
00:45:10,749 --> 00:45:12,835
"You know how much cocaine Hitler did?"

804
00:45:14,378 --> 00:45:17,338
You don't think that's
the best deterrent story for a kid?

805
00:45:17,339 --> 00:45:18,548
I do.

806
00:45:18,549 --> 00:45:20,842
When I was a kid,
they'd go, "Don't do coke."

807
00:45:20,843 --> 00:45:22,301
And you'd go, "Why?"

808
00:45:22,302 --> 00:45:24,637
And they're like,
"That's what rock stars do."

809
00:45:24,638 --> 00:45:26,598
And you're like, "Oh, okay."

810
00:45:28,308 --> 00:45:30,810
"You mean like Slash and Eric Clapton?"

811
00:45:30,811 --> 00:45:33,980
And they're like,
"Yes, they're up till 6:00 a.m.,

812
00:45:33,981 --> 00:45:36,108
and they're shaving their bodies..."

813
00:45:38,986 --> 00:45:40,779
"...and they're fucking girls."

814
00:45:41,655 --> 00:45:44,908
"Is that what you want to do?"
And you'd be like, "Boo!"

815
00:45:46,493 --> 00:45:49,328
"Anybody else do coke?"
"Yeah, Martin Scorsese."

816
00:45:49,329 --> 00:45:51,623
You're like,
"Yeah, that fucking worked out."

817
00:45:52,416 --> 00:45:53,583
"How about a bad guy?"

818
00:45:53,584 --> 00:45:55,377
"Uh-uh, we don't have any."

819
00:45:56,003 --> 00:45:58,755
Well, there is this one.
I don't know if you've heard of him.

820
00:45:58,756 --> 00:46:03,010
His name is Adolf fucking Hitler.

821
00:46:03,594 --> 00:46:05,636
He was doing mountains of coke.

822
00:46:05,637 --> 00:46:09,724
By the way, he was having the same
dumb conversations your friends have.

823
00:46:09,725 --> 00:46:11,726
He was just having them about war.

824
00:46:11,727 --> 00:46:15,397
He was like,
"We should go to Stalingrad in December."

825
00:46:20,360 --> 00:46:23,155
"Haha, and we'll fuck them up, hahaha!"

826
00:46:25,073 --> 00:46:27,868
"Hey! Look at my mustache.
I cut off the sides."

827
00:46:39,379 --> 00:46:42,049
"You guys want to see my art?
It's pretty good."

828
00:46:43,592 --> 00:46:46,094
"It's mostly me choking ducks.
Look at this shit."

829
00:46:47,679 --> 00:46:49,472
"You think Mussolini likes me?"

830
00:46:49,473 --> 00:46:50,933
All right, well...

831
00:46:51,767 --> 00:46:54,269
No, it should be said.
He was a real knucklehead.

832
00:46:57,940 --> 00:46:59,775
Cool accent, though. <i>Ja!</i>

833
00:47:02,486 --> 00:47:05,029
See, I've always had
a fascination with languages.

834
00:47:05,030 --> 00:47:08,449
So, if you don't know,
half my family is from South America.

835
00:47:08,450 --> 00:47:11,619
They're from Peru.
I've been going there... Yeah.

836
00:47:11,620 --> 00:47:14,664
I've been going there my whole life.

837
00:47:14,665 --> 00:47:17,166
My relatives have been
visiting me my whole life.

838
00:47:17,167 --> 00:47:19,210
Did you know that every time

839
00:47:19,211 --> 00:47:23,130
one of my 288 cousins comes to visit me,

840
00:47:23,131 --> 00:47:25,842
they always say
the same sentence incorrectly,

841
00:47:25,843 --> 00:47:27,552
and they have for over 30 years.

842
00:47:27,553 --> 00:47:31,055
One of them... during their visit,
one of them will come up to me and go...

843
00:47:31,056 --> 00:47:34,852
"Tommy. Um... I have to, uh... make a shit."

844
00:47:37,354 --> 00:47:38,856
And I go, "I understand."

845
00:47:39,898 --> 00:47:42,400
If you speak any Spanish,
you realize what's happening.

846
00:47:42,401 --> 00:47:44,443
It's a literal translation.

847
00:47:44,444 --> 00:47:47,780
Because in Spanish, you would say,
<i>"hacer,"</i> which is "to make,"

848
00:47:47,781 --> 00:47:52,785
which, to be fair to all Spanish speakers,
it is exactly what you are doing.

849
00:47:52,786 --> 00:47:56,373
You are, in fact, making shit.

850
00:47:57,916 --> 00:48:00,668
I always correct them to be polite.
"We don't say that here."

851
00:48:00,669 --> 00:48:03,171
"Here, we say I have to take...

852
00:48:05,424 --> 00:48:06,425
a shit."

853
00:48:07,509 --> 00:48:09,511
And they always go, "Why?"

854
00:48:11,555 --> 00:48:13,599
"I will not take it anywhere."

855
00:48:16,310 --> 00:48:18,645
I go, "Yeah, your logic is sound, but...

856
00:48:19,605 --> 00:48:22,440
if you keep saying,
'I'm making shit in the toilet,'

857
00:48:22,441 --> 00:48:25,444
someone's gonna call the cops,
so just follow my lead."

858
00:48:27,654 --> 00:48:31,240
See, if you're at this show,
you speak the world's language.

859
00:48:31,241 --> 00:48:33,868
The world's language is English.

860
00:48:33,869 --> 00:48:38,039
Most of you, like me,
did absolutely nothing to learn it.

861
00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:39,206
You were just born.

862
00:48:39,207 --> 00:48:43,294
And the rest of the world tries so hard

863
00:48:43,295 --> 00:48:46,088
just to communicate with <i>us</i>,

864
00:48:46,089 --> 00:48:48,966
just to participate with us,

865
00:48:48,967 --> 00:48:51,720
and then we mock them
to their face for trying.

866
00:48:53,138 --> 00:48:56,807
Isn't that great? The whole world goes,
"Um, how do you say..."

867
00:48:56,808 --> 00:48:58,518
and we go...

868
00:49:00,687 --> 00:49:02,272
"Listen to this fucking idiot."

869
00:49:03,732 --> 00:49:05,317
Like you did something.

870
00:49:05,859 --> 00:49:08,820
"I do not know..."

871
00:49:09,988 --> 00:49:11,281
"Shut up, stupid."

872
00:49:12,032 --> 00:49:13,951
It's like his eighth language.

873
00:49:14,952 --> 00:49:17,578
Some redneck's like,
"You don't fucking talk good."

874
00:49:17,579 --> 00:49:20,414
"Fucking don't talk so much."
And you're like, "Yeah."

875
00:49:20,415 --> 00:49:22,250
"Yeah, what he said, for sure."

876
00:49:22,876 --> 00:49:24,502
You can do that if you want.

877
00:49:24,503 --> 00:49:27,505
You can mock people
who have not mastered what you have.

878
00:49:27,506 --> 00:49:30,633
It's rude. With language,
you're gonna hurt people's feelings.

879
00:49:30,634 --> 00:49:33,886
You know what everybody enjoys everywhere?
I swear, everywhere.

880
00:49:33,887 --> 00:49:35,888
If you can do an accent well,

881
00:49:35,889 --> 00:49:39,767
people treat you like
you're a goddamn magician.

882
00:49:39,768 --> 00:49:43,521
They love it. Go try it at work.
On Monday, just go to work and be like...

883
00:49:43,522 --> 00:49:46,190
"Hello, mate."

884
00:49:46,191 --> 00:49:48,860
"Would you like a biscuit with your tea?"

885
00:49:49,361 --> 00:49:51,989
Someone in your office
is gonna go, "No-uh."

886
00:49:53,031 --> 00:49:55,033
I mean, you can do all the... Walk around...

887
00:49:57,285 --> 00:50:00,454
"Would you like a croissant
with your coffee?"

888
00:50:00,455 --> 00:50:04,042
"Would you like to <i>mange</i> my anus?"
Whatever, say whatever you want.

889
00:50:04,584 --> 00:50:06,293
And you can do all the accents.

890
00:50:06,294 --> 00:50:08,462
Obviously not Asian, which is a bummer,

891
00:50:08,463 --> 00:50:11,215
because that's the most fun one to do.

892
00:50:11,216 --> 00:50:13,384
Um...

893
00:50:13,385 --> 00:50:17,430
You'll continue to do that when you're
alone, and with friends, and with family,

894
00:50:17,431 --> 00:50:20,433
and... in the shower,
and in the car, and with lovers,

895
00:50:20,434 --> 00:50:23,936
because there's nothing better,
but you can't do it, you know?

896
00:50:23,937 --> 00:50:26,230
You can do a little. You can do a note.

897
00:50:26,231 --> 00:50:29,984
It's sort of like you can walk up
to a piano and you can hit a key, right?

898
00:50:29,985 --> 00:50:32,278
You can be in public and go, like...

899
00:50:32,279 --> 00:50:34,447
"Oh..." Like that.

900
00:50:34,448 --> 00:50:35,824
You know.

901
00:50:36,867 --> 00:50:40,370
People still get jumpy. They'll be like,
"What the fuck are you doing?"

902
00:50:41,621 --> 00:50:44,833
You can't go the whole way.
You can't be like, "I would like to..."

903
00:50:47,002 --> 00:50:49,796
You can't. I did it to show you,
but you can't do that.

904
00:50:54,926 --> 00:50:58,721
If you want to have fun
with an Asian person speaking,

905
00:50:58,722 --> 00:50:59,889
and you're not Asian,

906
00:50:59,890 --> 00:51:04,894
what you should do is simply learn
how to say something in an Asian language.

907
00:51:04,895 --> 00:51:07,480
Then you're repeating words.
You're allowed to do that.

908
00:51:07,481 --> 00:51:09,483
I've been working on this Mandarin.

909
00:51:13,737 --> 00:51:15,571
It's rough, but...

910
00:51:15,572 --> 00:51:17,240
Here we go.

911
00:51:31,671 --> 00:51:32,881
Thank you.

912
00:51:37,135 --> 00:51:39,720
That means,
"Kill my daughter. She is worthless."

913
00:51:39,721 --> 00:51:43,974
Because they prefer boys,
you know what I mean? Like...

914
00:51:43,975 --> 00:51:46,811
Another girl, throw her against the tree.

915
00:51:46,812 --> 00:51:51,941
Now... I did that joke in Hong Kong,
and it did not land.

916
00:51:51,942 --> 00:51:53,734
So...

917
00:51:53,735 --> 00:51:56,154
Yeah, they hate trees, but...

918
00:51:59,074 --> 00:52:01,618
I don't know how I'd react.
I have boys, but...

919
00:52:02,202 --> 00:52:05,788
I don't even know whose credit that is.
Is that mine? Is that my wife's?

920
00:52:05,789 --> 00:52:07,581
I mean, she can take a load...

921
00:52:07,582 --> 00:52:09,333
Um...

922
00:52:09,334 --> 00:52:12,170
Between the legs. What I'm saying is...

923
00:52:12,754 --> 00:52:16,466
I get blow jobs,
but I get married blow jobs.

924
00:52:17,259 --> 00:52:19,511
Them ain't like single-life blow jobs.

925
00:52:20,262 --> 00:52:22,555
Married blow jobs kind of remind me...

926
00:52:22,556 --> 00:52:24,391
You ever watch your dog...

927
00:52:27,310 --> 00:52:28,979
on a hot day

928
00:52:29,896 --> 00:52:31,356
get some water

929
00:52:32,607 --> 00:52:34,317
from its bowl?

930
00:52:35,610 --> 00:52:37,362
And then it looks at you

931
00:52:38,905 --> 00:52:41,365
between licks. You know?

932
00:52:41,366 --> 00:52:42,701
It's like...

933
00:52:52,669 --> 00:52:56,088
You're like, "Yeah, that feels good,
that's nice. Very nice."

934
00:52:56,089 --> 00:52:59,301
"Are you done?" "Yeah, I didn't want
to come. Thanks, that was fun."

935
00:53:02,345 --> 00:53:05,014
I still remember the good old days, yeah.

936
00:53:05,015 --> 00:53:07,976
Yeah, I have old VHS tapes back here,

937
00:53:08,643 --> 00:53:12,022
and they're a little grainy,
but if I close my eyes,

938
00:53:13,106 --> 00:53:17,151
I can still see those sweet,
sweet angels from my twenties

939
00:53:17,152 --> 00:53:20,154
who made sounds
like they were fighting for their life.

940
00:53:20,155 --> 00:53:21,406
You know, just...

941
00:53:27,162 --> 00:53:30,624
You know those blow jobs where you
almost stop to see if she's okay?

942
00:53:32,250 --> 00:53:34,002
You don't, 'cause you don't care.

943
00:53:35,962 --> 00:53:38,715
You're like, "I like
that you're suffering. This is cool."

944
00:53:43,720 --> 00:53:45,555
What, you don't have memories? Okay.

945
00:53:48,892 --> 00:53:50,393
I like a finger up the butt.

946
00:53:53,063 --> 00:53:56,483
Let's be clear.
I don't want to be excavated, okay?

947
00:53:57,734 --> 00:54:00,028
I just like a little, you know...

948
00:54:01,029 --> 00:54:03,240
A little Steve Aoki.
"What's this button do?"

949
00:54:08,036 --> 00:54:10,872
Prime the pump, don't frack the crack.
You're with me, right?

950
00:54:11,706 --> 00:54:13,749
Yeah. You like that, sir?

951
00:54:13,750 --> 00:54:15,042
Yes.

952
00:54:15,043 --> 00:54:17,378
The 'stache gives it away.
I knew you were in.

953
00:54:17,379 --> 00:54:18,295
You?

954
00:54:18,296 --> 00:54:20,465
Fuck yeah, all the culture's up front.

955
00:54:22,133 --> 00:54:25,177
I polled my entire inner circle
of close friends,

956
00:54:25,178 --> 00:54:27,931
and they were all like, "Fuck, no."

957
00:54:28,640 --> 00:54:30,934
"I don't like that. That shit is gay."

958
00:54:31,518 --> 00:54:36,022
And I was like, "Well, have you ever
considered trying it with a woman?"

959
00:54:38,900 --> 00:54:40,235
That's not gay.

960
00:54:41,027 --> 00:54:43,738
Maybe stop having your brother do it,
weirdo, and...

961
00:54:44,864 --> 00:54:46,992
"Hurry up before dad gets home."

962
00:54:55,959 --> 00:54:59,336
This is what you learn
over the course of a lifetime about sex.

963
00:54:59,337 --> 00:55:02,840
You learn that men and women,
we both lie about sex.

964
00:55:02,841 --> 00:55:04,758
We just lie in opposite directions.

965
00:55:04,759 --> 00:55:08,262
Men exaggerate their exploits
and their interests

966
00:55:08,263 --> 00:55:11,307
simply because they live to impress women.

967
00:55:11,308 --> 00:55:14,435
It's the truth. It's stupid,
and it's simple, and it's true.

968
00:55:14,436 --> 00:55:18,397
Every woman in here, at some point,
you'll meet a guy like, "I like it all."

969
00:55:18,398 --> 00:55:21,026
"Step on my nuts," and, um...

970
00:55:21,735 --> 00:55:23,361
You know, "Cut my nipples open."

971
00:55:24,863 --> 00:55:26,281
"Set me on fire."

972
00:55:26,948 --> 00:55:28,825
And then you're like, "Okay..."

973
00:55:30,618 --> 00:55:31,827
"He seems fun."

974
00:55:31,828 --> 00:55:34,621
Then you get him in bed. What happens?

975
00:55:34,622 --> 00:55:38,250
He's like, "Is that a match?
I don't feel safe. I wanna call..."

976
00:55:38,251 --> 00:55:39,543
"Oh, right, sure. Okay."

977
00:55:39,544 --> 00:55:41,587
He's a fucking liar. He's a liar.

978
00:55:41,588 --> 00:55:43,339
Now, women do the opposite lie.

979
00:55:43,340 --> 00:55:48,218
Women diminish their accountability
when it comes to sex, but I'll defend you.

980
00:55:48,219 --> 00:55:50,262
I think you do it for a very good reason.

981
00:55:50,263 --> 00:55:54,099
The reason a lot of women diminish
their accountability when it comes to sex

982
00:55:54,100 --> 00:55:56,602
is they have a very real and valid fear

983
00:55:56,603 --> 00:55:58,854
that some men will shame them

984
00:55:58,855 --> 00:56:01,940
for enjoying some of the same things
that they enjoy.

985
00:56:01,941 --> 00:56:03,818
Isn't that right, ladies?

986
00:56:05,987 --> 00:56:08,782
All right, so there's like 30 whores here.
That's crazy.

987
00:56:10,742 --> 00:56:14,537
I'm kidding. Thank you for cheering.

988
00:56:17,123 --> 00:56:20,876
Then, you know, I think about,
like, things that happen in my own life,

989
00:56:20,877 --> 00:56:23,212
and I realize
that these theories are true.

990
00:56:23,213 --> 00:56:25,255
I remember I had a roommate one time,

991
00:56:25,256 --> 00:56:27,800
and we both knew
this beautiful girl named Nicole.

992
00:56:27,801 --> 00:56:31,220
And one day, my roommate goes,
"Oh, I hooked up with Nicole."

993
00:56:31,221 --> 00:56:32,471
And I go, "Oh, really?"

994
00:56:32,472 --> 00:56:34,973
And then he said
something super weird and gross,

995
00:56:34,974 --> 00:56:37,601
and I apologize in advance,
but he was like,

996
00:56:37,602 --> 00:56:39,479
he goes, "Yeah, man, her puss..."

997
00:56:42,440 --> 00:56:45,442
He made sounds,
which also made it way worse, you know?

998
00:56:45,443 --> 00:56:46,819
He was like, "Mm."

999
00:56:46,820 --> 00:56:48,029
I was like, "Oh!"

1000
00:56:48,988 --> 00:56:51,407
He was like,
"It was so snuggly warm, you know?"

1001
00:56:51,408 --> 00:56:54,411
"I wanted to take a nap in there,"
and I was like, "What?"

1002
00:56:55,245 --> 00:56:58,038
He's like, "Yeah, mmm! Felt so good."

1003
00:56:58,039 --> 00:57:01,250
He goes, "It felt like a blanket
that was lined with butter."

1004
00:57:01,251 --> 00:57:02,919
And I go, "What the fuck?"

1005
00:57:04,587 --> 00:57:07,715
And then I dated her
for two months after that.

1006
00:57:08,842 --> 00:57:10,926
You know why?
'Cause I like butter too, sir.

1007
00:57:10,927 --> 00:57:12,886
So...

1008
00:57:12,887 --> 00:57:15,556
One day I'm with her.
I guess I'm feeling insecure.

1009
00:57:15,557 --> 00:57:19,393
I bring it up. I go, "It's kind of weird
you've hooked up with my roommate."

1010
00:57:19,394 --> 00:57:21,478
And she goes, "What?" I go, "Yeah."

1011
00:57:21,479 --> 00:57:24,356
She goes, "I've never touched
your roommate." I go, "Really?"

1012
00:57:24,357 --> 00:57:27,443
She goes, "Hell no." I go, "Okay."
So I go back to my place.

1013
00:57:27,444 --> 00:57:30,446
I go, "Hey, man,
she said you guys never hooked up."

1014
00:57:30,447 --> 00:57:32,740
And he goes, "Oh yeah, that's true."

1015
00:57:35,118 --> 00:57:38,620
I go, "I should have known
from the buttered-blanket pussy line."

1016
00:57:38,621 --> 00:57:41,331
I go, "Why would you tell me that?"

1017
00:57:41,332 --> 00:57:45,420
He goes, "Who cares" and turned on the TV.
That was our whole conversation about it.

1018
00:57:46,504 --> 00:57:49,339
Years later, I was dating another woman

1019
00:57:49,340 --> 00:57:52,134
and we were talking about sex,
like the topic of sex.

1020
00:57:52,135 --> 00:57:53,927
And I brought up threesomes.

1021
00:57:53,928 --> 00:57:57,390
I go, "Have you ever had a threesome?"
You know what she said? She goes...

1022
00:58:00,185 --> 00:58:03,563
I go, "I didn't ask, 'Did you remember
to take your Adderall today?'"

1023
00:58:04,647 --> 00:58:07,524
"Have you had sex with two other people
at the same time?"

1024
00:58:07,525 --> 00:58:09,068
She goes, "Not really."

1025
00:58:09,736 --> 00:58:12,196
I go, "'Not really'?
Was one of them an amputee?"

1026
00:58:12,197 --> 00:58:13,573
'Cause that still counts.

1027
00:58:14,866 --> 00:58:16,909
And she goes, "Well, here's the thing."

1028
00:58:16,910 --> 00:58:19,287
I go, "This is a 'here's the thing'?"

1029
00:58:19,996 --> 00:58:23,123
She goes, "Yes, <i>technically</i> I was in one,

1030
00:58:23,124 --> 00:58:24,750
but I was sunburned."

1031
00:58:24,751 --> 00:58:26,794
And I go, "What the fuck?"

1032
00:58:28,421 --> 00:58:31,340
She goes, "I was in there,
but didn't really participate

1033
00:58:31,341 --> 00:58:33,133
'cause my sunburn was killing me."

1034
00:58:33,134 --> 00:58:35,261
I go, "This is insane

1035
00:58:35,887 --> 00:58:39,640
women's-only logic
you got going on right now."

1036
00:58:39,641 --> 00:58:41,225
She goes, "How about you?"

1037
00:58:41,226 --> 00:58:43,602
I go, "I blew four guys,
but I had poison ivy,

1038
00:58:43,603 --> 00:58:45,146
so it doesn't count either."

1039
00:58:46,981 --> 00:58:48,024
Just...

1040
00:58:53,279 --> 00:58:54,988
She was an absolute whore.

1041
00:58:54,989 --> 00:58:57,116
And... she's dead.

1042
00:58:59,786 --> 00:59:00,703
Probably.

1043
00:59:01,829 --> 00:59:05,082
You know, I've been thinking
about killing <i>my wife.</i>

1044
00:59:05,083 --> 00:59:06,708
Um...

1045
00:59:06,709 --> 00:59:10,295
I've been talking about it too.
Mostly with my wife.

1046
00:59:10,296 --> 00:59:12,756
It's her fault. She started it.

1047
00:59:12,757 --> 00:59:15,676
We were in the house one day,
and she just lobs this at me.

1048
00:59:15,677 --> 00:59:20,431
She goes, "How easily do you think
you could kill me with your bare hands?"

1049
00:59:21,182 --> 00:59:23,059
I go, "Uh, very."

1050
00:59:24,561 --> 00:59:27,564
She goes, "Really?" I go,
"It wouldn't even be a little bit hard."

1051
00:59:29,023 --> 00:59:30,274
She goes, "No!"

1052
00:59:30,275 --> 00:59:32,068
And I go, "Yeah."

1053
00:59:32,986 --> 00:59:37,240
"I'm not saying I'm a badass. I'm saying
I can kill <i>you</i> with little to no effort."

1054
00:59:37,824 --> 00:59:41,493
Now this shit comes up all the time.
Like, whenever we're together.

1055
00:59:41,494 --> 00:59:44,997
We were in New York. We were waiting
for the subway, just standing there.

1056
00:59:44,998 --> 00:59:47,792
And at one point I was like,
"Oh, I could fucking...

1057
00:59:50,378 --> 00:59:52,504
...shove you off
of that platform right now."

1058
00:59:52,505 --> 00:59:54,548
And she looks, she goes, "I would die."

1059
00:59:54,549 --> 00:59:56,092
I go, "No shit."

1060
00:59:58,094 --> 00:59:59,678
Then she goes, "You shouldn't."

1061
00:59:59,679 --> 01:00:00,972
I go, "What?"

1062
01:00:01,681 --> 01:00:04,851
She goes, "There's cameras here,
and there's people everywhere."

1063
01:00:05,476 --> 01:00:06,811
"You're gonna get caught."

1064
01:00:08,479 --> 01:00:11,107
I was like, "Yeah,
good looking out. Okay."

1065
01:00:13,901 --> 01:00:15,027
We went to Hawaii.

1066
01:00:15,028 --> 01:00:17,321
We were on a hike
just on this cliff's edge.

1067
01:00:17,322 --> 01:00:19,823
And at one point
I put my hands on her shoulders.

1068
01:00:19,824 --> 01:00:23,327
I go, "You know, if I wanted to, I could...
...throw you off."

1069
01:00:23,328 --> 01:00:25,454
And she looks. She goes, "I would die."

1070
01:00:25,455 --> 01:00:27,707
I go, "You're getting good at this. Yeah."

1071
01:00:29,125 --> 01:00:31,543
I go, "Of course I'm not going to.
There's rocks."

1072
01:00:31,544 --> 01:00:34,630
"Your body would be exposed.
There'd be detectives everywhere."

1073
01:00:34,631 --> 01:00:37,257
"It would fuck up my day.
I'm not doing it."

1074
01:00:37,258 --> 01:00:40,178
I go, "But if you look down there,
I don't see any rocks."

1075
01:00:40,803 --> 01:00:42,804
"Over there, the tide would take you out."

1076
01:00:42,805 --> 01:00:46,017
"And then I would have
an awesome week in Hawaii."

1077
01:00:47,894 --> 01:00:49,062
And then we kissed.

1078
01:00:50,938 --> 01:00:52,690
I guess that's love, right?

1079
01:00:53,524 --> 01:00:55,151
Yeah, but she's alive.

1080
01:00:58,112 --> 01:00:59,405
Isn't she?

1081
01:01:01,032 --> 01:01:04,994
Yeah. You know, we've been together,
I think 63 years now, and...

1082
01:01:06,329 --> 01:01:08,747
You get to that point
in your relationship where you're like,

1083
01:01:08,748 --> 01:01:11,000
"I'm riding it out with this one, right?"

1084
01:01:11,751 --> 01:01:14,753
But you can't help sometimes
to think about who it could have been.

1085
01:01:14,754 --> 01:01:16,254
Don't you ever play that game?

1086
01:01:16,255 --> 01:01:19,549
You think back and you think about one,
you're like, "Oof, Jesus,

1087
01:01:19,550 --> 01:01:21,260
I really dodged a bullet there."

1088
01:01:21,928 --> 01:01:24,722
Then you think about another one,
"That could have been cool."

1089
01:01:25,932 --> 01:01:28,684
You think about all of them.
I had one hit me the other day.

1090
01:01:28,685 --> 01:01:30,977
I was remembering that I studied abroad.

1091
01:01:30,978 --> 01:01:33,355
I did a semester in Madrid.

1092
01:01:33,356 --> 01:01:36,191
I remembered one time
an American classmate of mine

1093
01:01:36,192 --> 01:01:37,651
came up to me, and he goes,

1094
01:01:37,652 --> 01:01:40,445
"Hey, I'm going to Tunisia this weekend,
North Africa."

1095
01:01:40,446 --> 01:01:43,407
"Do you wanna come?"
And I go, "Not really, no."

1096
01:01:43,408 --> 01:01:46,368
Then he called me out. He goes,
"When will you have the chance

1097
01:01:46,369 --> 01:01:49,162
to see a place like that
after such a short flight?"

1098
01:01:49,163 --> 01:01:51,248
"You really should go." And I thanked him.

1099
01:01:51,249 --> 01:01:54,501
I said, "You're right, I'm coming."
We went. We went to Tunisia.

1100
01:01:54,502 --> 01:01:58,213
We checked into a hotel.
We see this beautiful woman in the lobby.

1101
01:01:58,214 --> 01:02:00,340
We approach her together,
but we're gentlemen.

1102
01:02:00,341 --> 01:02:03,468
I go, "Hey, we're American students.
We're studying in Spain."

1103
01:02:03,469 --> 01:02:05,929
"We're here for the weekend."
She goes, "I'm French."

1104
01:02:05,930 --> 01:02:08,808
"I'm traveling alone.
I'm looking for heroin today."

1105
01:02:11,018 --> 01:02:12,728
And my friend goes, "She's yours."

1106
01:02:12,729 --> 01:02:15,605
And then he just... walked away.

1107
01:02:15,606 --> 01:02:18,151
And I was like,
"Let's see where it goes," you know?

1108
01:02:18,818 --> 01:02:22,447
We rode camels, you know,
we tried to score some H.

1109
01:02:23,698 --> 01:02:25,240
Then we're in her room later.

1110
01:02:25,241 --> 01:02:27,659
And we're making out,
it's starting to heat up.

1111
01:02:27,660 --> 01:02:30,078
And I wanna make this
very clear to everybody.

1112
01:02:30,079 --> 01:02:34,458
I stop <i>her,</i> and I go,
"I gotta tell you something."

1113
01:02:34,459 --> 01:02:37,627
"I don't have a condom and, no offense..."

1114
01:02:37,628 --> 01:02:39,422
"...I think I need one."

1115
01:02:42,467 --> 01:02:44,509
She goes, "You don't need a condom."

1116
01:02:44,510 --> 01:02:46,512
I go, "Ah..."

1117
01:02:48,014 --> 01:02:49,223
"Okay." So...

1118
01:02:51,642 --> 01:02:53,519
You said so, and I'm dumb.

1119
01:02:54,353 --> 01:02:55,604
So we did what we did.

1120
01:02:55,605 --> 01:02:58,064
And then I go back to my room,
and my friend's there.

1121
01:02:58,065 --> 01:02:59,608
He goes, "Where have you been?"

1122
01:02:59,609 --> 01:03:02,068
I go, "The French girl.
I just hooked up with her."

1123
01:03:02,069 --> 01:03:05,447
And his first question,
he goes, "You have a condom?"

1124
01:03:05,448 --> 01:03:07,074
And I go, "No."

1125
01:03:07,784 --> 01:03:09,826
And his face dropped.

1126
01:03:09,827 --> 01:03:11,746
And he goes, "You're gonna die."

1127
01:03:14,165 --> 01:03:15,958
And I go, "I am gonna die."

1128
01:03:16,709 --> 01:03:18,461
I didn't sleep one second.

1129
01:03:19,212 --> 01:03:21,379
In the morning,
I go downstairs for breakfast,

1130
01:03:21,380 --> 01:03:23,381
for fucking Tunisian breakfast.

1131
01:03:23,382 --> 01:03:25,759
It was like dates and hummus.

1132
01:03:25,760 --> 01:03:29,721
I was like, "You're gonna eat this
first thing and wash it down with coffee?"

1133
01:03:29,722 --> 01:03:32,225
"You're gonna shit
some memories out right now."

1134
01:03:34,227 --> 01:03:36,646
So I ate, I shat, and I saw her.

1135
01:03:37,396 --> 01:03:39,940
She knew something was up.
She's like, "What is wrong?"

1136
01:03:39,941 --> 01:03:44,194
I go, "Last night, we did what we did,
and we didn't use protection."

1137
01:03:44,195 --> 01:03:46,279
And she goes, "That's okay." And I go...

1138
01:03:46,280 --> 01:03:48,365
"No, it's not."

1139
01:03:48,366 --> 01:03:51,494
And she goes,
"It's okay because I take medicine."

1140
01:03:55,623 --> 01:03:57,750
I go, "Why do you take medicine?"

1141
01:03:59,794 --> 01:04:02,380
"Is your T cell count
like 12 or something?"

1142
01:04:04,549 --> 01:04:08,093
She goes, "I take medicine
to not make babies."

1143
01:04:08,094 --> 01:04:10,011
I go, "The pill?"

1144
01:04:10,012 --> 01:04:11,889
"You think I'm worried..."

1145
01:04:13,182 --> 01:04:15,184
"...about getting you pregnant?"

1146
01:04:15,685 --> 01:04:17,228
"How would you even find me?"

1147
01:04:19,397 --> 01:04:20,939
"You just gonna write a letter?"

1148
01:04:20,940 --> 01:04:22,608
"Dear America..."

1149
01:04:24,360 --> 01:04:28,322
"A man calling himself
Big Daddy Kane fucked me..."

1150
01:04:29,699 --> 01:04:31,409
"...in North Africa."

1151
01:04:32,869 --> 01:04:34,578
And she goes, "Calm down."

1152
01:04:34,579 --> 01:04:36,706
I go, "I can't!"

1153
01:04:37,582 --> 01:04:40,041
This woman reached into her purse
and pulled out pills.

1154
01:04:40,042 --> 01:04:42,420
I didn't even ask what they were.
I was just like...

1155
01:04:43,671 --> 01:04:45,589
"What was that, vitamin C?"

1156
01:04:45,590 --> 01:04:48,593
She goes, "Xanax.
You just ate three Xanax."

1157
01:04:49,385 --> 01:04:52,221
"And now you're gonna relax,
you big baby."

1158
01:04:53,055 --> 01:04:55,933
And like a minute later, I go, "Mm-hmm."

1159
01:05:00,229 --> 01:05:01,564
"I am relaxed."

1160
01:05:02,231 --> 01:05:06,736
And then we went up to her room,
and we had unprotected sex again.

1161
01:05:07,403 --> 01:05:10,114
And that's how I got AIDS.
I don't know. Um...

1162
01:05:11,449 --> 01:05:13,658
I've never been tested.
And guess what, guys?

1163
01:05:13,659 --> 01:05:15,368
I'm not gonna be.

1164
01:05:15,369 --> 01:05:17,830
Because it's better not to know.

1165
01:05:18,414 --> 01:05:20,373
At this point, I've got it.

1166
01:05:20,374 --> 01:05:21,666
My wife's got it.

1167
01:05:21,667 --> 01:05:23,376
The boys have got it.

1168
01:05:23,377 --> 01:05:24,962
Seven's got it.

1169
01:05:28,090 --> 01:05:29,926
Oh yeah, for sure.

1170
01:05:34,972 --> 01:05:37,558
Bill Belichick definitely has it.

1171
01:05:38,643 --> 01:05:40,644
But you know what? I feel good skinny.

1172
01:05:40,645 --> 01:05:43,813
So thank you, AIDS,
and thank you, Milwaukee.

1173
01:05:43,814 --> 01:05:45,982
You guys were the best. Thanks very much.

1174
01:05:45,983 --> 01:05:48,527
Have a great night. Thank you.