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Downloaded from
YTS.LT

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.LT

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[female announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together

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for Kevin Hart's Acting My Age.

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[playing theme music]

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[choir singing]

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[crowd cheering and clapping]

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[inaudible]

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[cheering intensifies]

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[music continues]

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[mouthing] Thank you.

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[mouthing] Thank you. Thank you.

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[music ends]

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Wow.

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[crowd cheering]

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[chuckles]

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Yes. Yes.

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[crowd cheering]

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Now, I wanna start off by saying
I'm in a really good mood.

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The reason why is
'cause life is good right now.

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Wife is happy. Kids are happy.

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My relationship with my extended family
is getting better.

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-Um…
-[crowd chuckling]

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Recently, I've been put in charge
of all family gatherings.

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Anything that requires the family
to get together in bulk, I make it happen.

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Family reunions, functions, dinners…
It all goes to me.

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I'll be a liar if I told you guys
it isn't annoying because it can be.

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My nephew just came, and he said,

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"Unc, I've got something
I wanna tell the family,

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but they can only hear it from me.
Can you help me get the family together?"

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I said, "I got you."

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I call the family.
We get together and go to a restaurant.

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I got a private room at the restaurant.

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When we walk into the private room,
my nephew stands up.

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He says, "I brought y'all here
because I want y'all to know I'm gay."

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-It was quick.
-[crowd laughing]

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It was quick.

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He didn't even let us sit down and eat.
It was fucking quick.

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And when he said it, nobody said nothing.
Everybody was quiet.

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I said, "Fuck, somebody's
gotta say something.

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Somebody's gotta break the ice."

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Because I'm now in charge.
I gotta be the one to say something.

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I said, "Nephew, listen."

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"I think I can speak
for the entire family." Right?

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[crowd laughing]

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Yeah? All of us.

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"When I say that we, as a family…"

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[crowd laughing]

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Um…

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"It's safe to s-- Look, listen."

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"I think it's safe to say that we, um…

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That… that we know."

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Like, nobody's shocked.

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[crowd laughing]

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Nobody's shocked by this information.

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When he said it, he had on a halter top.
Like a little tube top.

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[chuckles] It said…

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It said, "My booty hole brown."
That's what it said.

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Yeah, of course you're fucking gay.
Hey. All right?

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We don't give a shit.
We're family. We love you.

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My aunt tried to ride that same wave.
My aunt stood up.

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She said, "Look, since we're being honest,

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I want ya'll to know
I've been struggling with my weight."

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"I feel like I'm suffering from obesity."

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Again, it's quiet.
Nobody says nothing. It's quiet.

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I'm like,
"Fuck, I gotta break the ice again."

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"I gotta say something again."

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I said, "Pat, sit your fat ass down."

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-I said that.
-[crowd laughing]

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And I did. I said that.

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"Sit your fat ass down, Pat."

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"That's not new fat, Pat.
That's the same fucking fat."

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Pat's been fat since I was 12.
That's the same fucking fat, Pat.

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Sit your big ass down.
Ain't no fucking obesity.

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It's tough keeping the family together.

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A lot of work. A lot of work.

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You gotta have a lot of patience, man.
Even in your household.

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I'm a father of four.
Talked about my kids throughout my career.

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A lot of pressure on me
as a celebrity father.

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I gotta be honest. I feel like
I put the pressure on myself, though.

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I do. You know why?

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Because I feel like… I feel like,
at least one of my kids has to make it.

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Right? I'm not expecting
to go four for four. I'm not.

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I'm not.

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I think any parents in here
that have four or more kids…

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You know the kids that are gonna make it
and the ones that aren't. Like, you know.

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[crowd laughing]

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You can tell.
"Hey, look, this nigga right here, ey…"

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[chuckles] "Get the bail money ready
for this one."

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"Huh, I don't know."

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I just… You know what it is, man?
I don't wanna pitch a dud.

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I don't wanna be one of those celebrities
that pitch the dud.

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Lot of these celebrities have kids.

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These kids grow up
and don't do shit with these resources

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that they have available
at their fingertips.

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I don't want that to happen to my kids.

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I want them to take advantage
of the opportunities they have.

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I don't wanna pitch a fucking dud.

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I can tell you some celebrities
that have pitched a dud.

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You don't think about it the way I do.
I think about it.

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I can tell you.
I don't give a shit. I'll be honest.

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This is one of the reasons
why I took your phones.

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-So I can be fucking honest. Um…
-[crowd laughing]

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So I can be honest.

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-Say how I fucking feel.
-[whooping]

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If you tell anybody, I'll deny it.
I'll fucking deny it.

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-[crowd laughing]
-[Kevin coughing]

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I'mma tell you who I feel pitched a dud.
I'mma tell you.

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[scattered laughter]

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Michael Jordan.

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-Michael Jordan…
-[crowd laughing]

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…pitched a fucking dud.

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I don't care what you say.

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Michael knows it.
I know he fucking knows it.

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You don't think
Michael Jordan gets an attitude

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every time he sees
Dell Curry celebrating on the sideline

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with Steph Curry and Seth Curry?

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-You ever seen Dell Curry watch a game?
-[crowd laughing]

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Dell Curry's like,
"Look at my sons in the NBA!"

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Michael's just gotta look down
on the other end of the couch

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at Marcus and Jeffrey.
"Look at you two ain't-shit niggas."

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"Just sitting here coming up
with different-color Jordan combinations

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and playing Fortnite every fucking day.
Look at you."

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[crowd laughing]

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This is also a good time to tell you all

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like, me and Michael Jordan
don't really get along.

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So a lot of this stuff is…
comes from a weird place, man.

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Michael's had an attitude
with me for years.

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Years Michael's been pissed at me
because I hosted a celebrity event

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for him years ago, and he came in late.

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He walked in late,
and I had two in the chamber.

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I don't know where they came from,
but I hit him with a quick one.

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Pap! It was quick, but it was only fun.

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Everybody knows Michael Jordan's
a horrible dresser. Horrible dresser.

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Some of the worst jeans
I've ever seen in my life

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have been worn by Michael Jordan.

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Huge back pockets.
Really big back pockets.

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You could put a Dell computer
in his back pocket.

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Goddamn, Mike. Is that a fucking
Dell computer in your back pocket?

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Goddamn, Mike. Is that a fucking modem
in the other? Goddamn!

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He came in late. I hit him with one quick.

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I said, "Michael dresses
like a pregnant lesbian."

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I don't know where it came from.

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He had his pants up real high,
covering his chest.

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He has that little fat thing,
that little fupa thing sticking out.

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I haven't talked to him since.
I haven't talked to him since then.

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Now, I don't really give a shit.

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I don't really care
who likes me or who doesn't.

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I'm at a point in life
where it's very hard to irritate me.

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Forty-five years old. The older you get,
the less fucks you give.

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-[crowd affirming]
-It's a true statement.

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-It's a true statement.
-[crowd cheering and whistling]

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The older you get,
the less fucks you give.

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If it's not about my family
or forward progression in life,

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it doesn't get any of my time
or attention.

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Honestly, I'm not the same man
I used to be.

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Me and my friends, we've all changed.

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God, I remember back in the day
how we were.

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We used to talk about
the same shit every day, all day.

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♪ Where the bitches?
Where the clubs? Where the drinks? ♪

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♪ Where the drinks, where the clubs?
Where the bitches, where the clubs? ♪

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Every day.

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[crowd laughing]

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Forty-five is different.

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All we talk about now
is injuries and medicine.

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This is real shit. It's real shit.

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After 40, you stay hurt.
I don't know what it is, man.

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You stay hurt,
but you just don't know how it happened.

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Every conversation you have
starts off with a question

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about an injury
that you don't know how it got there.

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"I fucked my goddamn neck up today."

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"I don't know what I did
to my goddamn neck."

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Everybody cares about your injury
after 40. Everybody wanna help.

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"What you think you did?"

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"I don't know what the fuck I did
to my neck."

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"I think I'm looking at the signs
on a highway too long

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'cause I'm doing this,
but then tracing it back like this."

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Everybody wanna tell you what you need.
Everybody think they're a doctor.

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"You gotta get you some turmeric.
Get some turmeric, some fish oil."

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"Rub some fish oil on your neck."

181
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"Take a tablespoon of garlic.
Bite an onion."

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"Put your left foot
in a bucket of hot water."

183
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"Stay in there for ten minutes."
"You think I'm a vampire?"

184
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"What the fuck are you talking about?"

185
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You stay hurt after 40.

186
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Here's a crazy thing
about getting injured after 40.

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You never make it back to 100%.

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You lose a piece of yourself
with every single injury.

189
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You do not make it back to 100%.

190
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Here's proof. Look at this arm.

191
00:10:06,314 --> 00:10:09,525
Mm. All the way up.
See that? Right there. All the way.

192
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-Not this side. There it is. Right there.
-[crowd laughing]

193
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Right there.

194
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Showed the doctor. You know, what he said,
"Just use the other side."

195
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I said, "Bitch, fix it!"

196
00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:20,661
[crowd laughing]

197
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"Got me out here uneven. Fucking fix it!"

198
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:28,044
I'm so envious of this younger generation.

199
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These younger kids get hurt,
they bounce right back.

200
00:10:31,130 --> 00:10:33,007
I was playing basketball with these kids.

201
00:10:33,090 --> 00:10:34,592
One of the kids twisted his ankle.

202
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His fucking ankle
hit the fucking floor. I saw it.

203
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Twisted his ankle.
His ankle was on the fucking court. Pow!

204
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I said, "Oh shit! That's gotta be broke.
He broke that bitch. I know he broke it."

205
00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:47,730
Y'know what he did?
Y'know how he fixed it in real time?

206
00:10:47,813 --> 00:10:52,276
He bent down, tied his shoe up tight…
[groaning] …jumped up. Aah!

207
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:53,694
[crowd laughing]

208
00:10:54,779 --> 00:10:56,322
He said, "I'm good. I'm good."

209
00:10:56,405 --> 00:10:59,659
"I'mma finish the game."
I said, "Finish the game?"

210
00:11:00,159 --> 00:11:01,744
[crowd laughing]

211
00:11:02,620 --> 00:11:05,456
You can't do no shit like that after 40.

212
00:11:06,415 --> 00:11:08,793
You twist your ankle,
your ankle hit that goddamn court.

213
00:11:08,876 --> 00:11:10,628
The next day you're in that boot.

214
00:11:10,711 --> 00:11:12,171
You got that fucking boot on.

215
00:11:12,254 --> 00:11:13,422
[crowd laughing]

216
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:15,841
"What's up, y'all?"

217
00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:18,886
"Goddamn, Joe!"

218
00:11:19,428 --> 00:11:21,806
"I thought you twisted your ankle."
"So did I."

219
00:11:23,307 --> 00:11:26,227
"Turns out it's my meniscus
and my Achilles."

220
00:11:27,144 --> 00:11:29,939
"That started my sciatica.
They say I'm out for eight months."

221
00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:31,399
"Eight months?"

222
00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:35,903
"Eight months! Goddamn, Joe!"

223
00:11:37,488 --> 00:11:39,657
-"You didn't even play!"
-[crowd laughing]

224
00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:47,039
"I know. They said I sat down too fast."

225
00:11:48,457 --> 00:11:51,210
"Y'all gotta stop sitting down so fast
when y'all go out there."

226
00:11:51,293 --> 00:11:52,795
"Y'all gotta slow down."

227
00:11:54,588 --> 00:11:58,634
"Goddamn, Joe." It's too easy to get hurt.

228
00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:02,346
I don't think people understand
how easy it is to get hurt.

229
00:12:02,430 --> 00:12:04,140
I was walking down the stairs
the other day.

230
00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:06,559
I slipped down the last three steps.

231
00:12:07,059 --> 00:12:10,521
I didn't fall. I heeled it.
You know that shit, when you do that?

232
00:12:11,856 --> 00:12:15,985
You know what I'm talking about?
Like, "Oh no." Like that shit right there?

233
00:12:16,610 --> 00:12:18,946
Scared the fuck out of myself.

234
00:12:19,947 --> 00:12:23,659
By the way, I would much rather fall.
I would much rather fall.

235
00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:26,620
'Cause if you fall, it's over with.

236
00:12:26,704 --> 00:12:28,914
This shit right here,
you're thinking about…

237
00:12:29,790 --> 00:12:32,460
You're thinking about how bad
it's gonna be when you finally go down.

238
00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:37,089
"I'm about to fuck my head up
on the goddamn step."

239
00:12:41,343 --> 00:12:42,553
You end up hurting people.

240
00:12:42,636 --> 00:12:46,223
Poor lady in front of me.
I pushed this old bitch down the stairs.

241
00:12:47,016 --> 00:12:49,018
I panicked. Ahh!

242
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:53,522
-All I heard was… [wailing]
-[crowd laughing]

243
00:12:54,482 --> 00:12:56,192
[wailing]

244
00:13:00,362 --> 00:13:02,281
Stairs are dangerous.

245
00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:05,451
I don't know why we need so many.

246
00:13:06,076 --> 00:13:08,871
So many fucking stairs everywhere you go.

247
00:13:08,954 --> 00:13:11,749
Going up 'em is fine.
Going down is the problem.

248
00:13:12,249 --> 00:13:15,377
The older you get, it gets scary.
I was with my son the other day.

249
00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:17,797
My son was going down the steps.
Never seen anything like it.

250
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:20,883
This nigga was skipping stairs
going down. He's…

251
00:13:20,966 --> 00:13:22,343
-[crowd laughing]
-[scoffs]

252
00:13:23,427 --> 00:13:26,806
He's gotta be a fucking Avenger.
I ain't never seen no better knees.

253
00:13:27,598 --> 00:13:29,809
What kind of knees does my son have?

254
00:13:31,769 --> 00:13:33,145
I go down the stairs sideways.

255
00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:35,397
The older you get,
they change, right here.

256
00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:36,941
[crowd laughing]

257
00:13:37,024 --> 00:13:39,944
Go ahead. You in a rush?
Go around. Go around.

258
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:43,489
I'm not gonna hurt myself
fucking with y'all. Go ahead.

259
00:13:43,572 --> 00:13:44,949
[crowd laughing]

260
00:13:47,952 --> 00:13:49,537
It's too easy to get hurt.

261
00:13:50,162 --> 00:13:54,083
I stepped in the shower the other day.
My leg got away from me. Oh my God.

262
00:13:55,459 --> 00:13:59,171
Scared the shit out of me. Got a lot
of distance in-between my fucking legs.

263
00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:03,050
I ain't never had that much distance
in-between my fucking legs before.

264
00:14:03,133 --> 00:14:05,010
-[crowd laughing]
-Oh my God.

265
00:14:06,762 --> 00:14:09,640
You don't respect all that shit
you can grab onto in the shower

266
00:14:09,723 --> 00:14:11,725
until you need it. You don't respect it.

267
00:14:12,726 --> 00:14:15,729
All those bars… 'Cause you don't know
why them bars are there in the shower

268
00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:16,814
until you fucking need it.

269
00:14:16,897 --> 00:14:20,109
Let me tell you something.
I slipped, almost cracked my fucking head,

270
00:14:20,192 --> 00:14:21,318
grabbed that little bar.

271
00:14:21,402 --> 00:14:24,154
I said, "Thank you,
save-a-little-nigga-life-bar."

272
00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:25,364
[crowd laughing]

273
00:14:25,447 --> 00:14:26,365
Yeah.

274
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,993
That's what that is.

275
00:14:29,076 --> 00:14:31,537
That's the save-a-little-nigga-life-bar.
[chuckles]

276
00:14:32,788 --> 00:14:35,207
Here's the funny part.
I missed the big one.

277
00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:36,876
I… I tried to grab the big one.

278
00:14:37,918 --> 00:14:41,171
I missed that bitch. Had to grab the…
[chuckles] …the fucking little one.

279
00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:46,302
Oh my God. I never knew
that's why the two bars were there.

280
00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:51,015
I've got a fear of falling in the shower.

281
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:54,268
I think that's probably one of
the worst injuries that you can get.

282
00:14:54,351 --> 00:14:58,022
Falling in the shower?
Oh my God. Here's my fear.

283
00:14:58,105 --> 00:15:00,691
Falling and hurting myself
to the point where I can't move,

284
00:15:00,774 --> 00:15:02,776
but I fall underneath the shower head,

285
00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:05,654
and the water… the water… [chuckles]

286
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:07,364
The water keeps coming down,

287
00:15:07,448 --> 00:15:11,076
and I gotta sit there
and fight for my life for six hours.

288
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:12,411
[crowd laughing]

289
00:15:12,494 --> 00:15:15,331
For six hours, I'm like… [crying]

290
00:15:16,415 --> 00:15:18,083
[crying]

291
00:15:18,834 --> 00:15:21,378
[wailing]

292
00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:23,714
[wailing]

293
00:15:25,549 --> 00:15:27,468
That's how they find me.

294
00:15:29,178 --> 00:15:32,598
With a little dick, 'cause I've been
in the fucking water for six hours.

295
00:15:32,681 --> 00:15:34,058
[crowd laughing]

296
00:15:34,141 --> 00:15:36,310
Oh my God. Can you imagine?

297
00:15:38,103 --> 00:15:39,021
You're about to die.

298
00:15:39,104 --> 00:15:42,733
The last thing you hear somebody say is,
"Ew, look at his dick. Ew."

299
00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:44,902
Oh my fucking God.

300
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:47,446
Shoot me now.

301
00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:48,864
[crowd laughing]

302
00:15:49,573 --> 00:15:52,284
"Why does his dick look like that? Ew!"

303
00:15:55,079 --> 00:15:58,832
Wash rag's sticking out your ass
because it's the last thing you washed.

304
00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:01,335
Little piece of shit
on the rags. [chuckles]

305
00:16:01,418 --> 00:16:03,754
"Ew, it's shit on that rag."

306
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,257
"Little, shitty-butt, little-dick man.
I ain't touching him."

307
00:16:07,341 --> 00:16:08,509
[crowd laughing]

308
00:16:08,592 --> 00:16:10,260
I'm fucking dying.

309
00:16:13,597 --> 00:16:16,558
You know why I think like this?
Because of my last injury.

310
00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:19,186
My last injury fucked me up real bad, man.

311
00:16:19,269 --> 00:16:22,314
I basically broke my dick.
I don't know a better way to explain it.

312
00:16:23,357 --> 00:16:25,818
I'm being very honest tonight.
It's a show full of transparency.

313
00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:29,029
I injured myself during a footrace.

314
00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:30,364
Not on the track.

315
00:16:30,864 --> 00:16:32,366
Not where you run through a ribbon

316
00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:34,827
and you get an award
at the end of the race. No.

317
00:16:34,910 --> 00:16:37,496
Two drunk niggas
in the middle of the street, 2 a.m.

318
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:41,250
I raced an ex-NFL running back
for no reason.

319
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:42,584
[crowd laughing]

320
00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:43,919
It was an impromptu run.

321
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,295
We was at a cookout.

322
00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:48,590
Overheard him talking at the bar.
He was talking about football.

323
00:16:48,674 --> 00:16:51,385
He was like, "Man, I swear.
I miss the game of football."

324
00:16:51,468 --> 00:16:55,764
"Life ain't the same without football.
I'd do anything to get back on the field."

325
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:59,226
"I feel like I lost a piece of myself
when I stopped playing. I miss the game."

326
00:16:59,309 --> 00:17:00,310
For no reason, I said,

327
00:17:00,394 --> 00:17:02,771
"Bitch, I'll smoke your ass
in a footrace right now."

328
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:04,857
[crowd laughing]

329
00:17:05,607 --> 00:17:08,527
He said, "What?
Kevin, are you serious? You wanna race?"

330
00:17:08,610 --> 00:17:10,904
I said, "Yeah, I wanna race, bitch.
Let's go."

331
00:17:12,364 --> 00:17:14,700
He said, "Kevin, if you wanna race,
we can race."

332
00:17:14,783 --> 00:17:17,369
There were so many signs that I ignored…

333
00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:19,163
[crowd laughing]

334
00:17:19,246 --> 00:17:21,665
…that said,
"Kevin, don't go through with this race."

335
00:17:22,291 --> 00:17:23,500
The first sign I ignored

336
00:17:23,584 --> 00:17:26,253
was how he was stretching
versus how I was stretching.

337
00:17:26,962 --> 00:17:28,630
He had so many stretches.

338
00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:31,467
He was doing like some
deep fucking hip bends like this.

339
00:17:31,550 --> 00:17:34,928
He had some like groin shit he was doing.
He was doing knees.

340
00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:38,182
I call 'em ice cream scoops.
I don't even know what the fuck these are.

341
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:42,019
He was doing some butt kicks.
He had like five minutes of stretches.

342
00:17:42,102 --> 00:17:45,814
I went up that bitch, shook my legs twice.
Pow! Pow! "Let's go."

343
00:17:47,107 --> 00:17:48,734
[firmly] "Let's go!"

344
00:17:51,278 --> 00:17:54,615
The worst thing that you can have after 40
are friends the same age.

345
00:17:54,698 --> 00:17:56,408
Friends 40 and above are horrible

346
00:17:56,492 --> 00:17:58,744
because no matter what dumbass decision
you decide to make,

347
00:17:58,827 --> 00:18:01,121
they're gonna support you
and ride with you regardless.

348
00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:06,794
When I shook my legs twice, I said,
"Pow! Pow!" My friends were like, "Yeah!"

349
00:18:06,877 --> 00:18:07,961
[crowd laughing]

350
00:18:08,045 --> 00:18:09,505
"Get him, Kev!"

351
00:18:09,588 --> 00:18:11,340
[crowd laughing]

352
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:16,887
About to smoke his ass.

353
00:18:18,597 --> 00:18:19,848
I told him out the gate… I said,

354
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:23,185
"Look, man, you're a professional athlete,
so I know you've got technique."

355
00:18:23,685 --> 00:18:26,230
"Because of your technique,
you feel like you've got advantage,

356
00:18:26,313 --> 00:18:27,189
but you don't."

357
00:18:27,272 --> 00:18:29,858
"Because of my raw talent
and my natural ability to run,

358
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:31,110
I will catch your ass."

359
00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:33,946
-[crowd laughing]
-Here's my secret when I run.

360
00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:36,907
My secret is I keep my fingers
real close together like this.

361
00:18:36,990 --> 00:18:39,701
-And I… Wait a minute. [chuckles, sniffs]
-[crowd laughing]

362
00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:41,870
[laughing]

363
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:43,539
[continues laughing]

364
00:18:44,873 --> 00:18:48,418
My… My secret is I keep
my fingers real close together like this,

365
00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:50,170
and I chop through the wind like thi--

366
00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:52,339
-[crowd laughing]
-[chuckles, sniffs]

367
00:18:52,422 --> 00:18:55,300
I treat the wind like a piece of cake.
When I fucking run, I chop!

368
00:18:57,052 --> 00:18:59,346
Everybody gets a piece of cake
when I fucking run.

369
00:19:00,639 --> 00:19:02,432
Everybody else running
with their fingers open.

370
00:19:02,516 --> 00:19:05,060
You're getting all that wind.
Look at that. All that fucking wind.

371
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:06,061
All that wind.

372
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:08,480
Not me. Not me.
Look at that. Look at that.

373
00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:12,860
We sent the little boy
down the end of the block.

374
00:19:12,943 --> 00:19:14,778
Little boy had to hold
his arms up, like this.

375
00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:17,906
When the boy dropped his arms down,
it meant it was time to fucking race.

376
00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:22,452
We on the starting line. Like I thought,
he had technique. I knew he had technique.

377
00:19:22,536 --> 00:19:25,372
He had one hand down like this.
He had this arm up like this.

378
00:19:25,455 --> 00:19:26,832
He had his head like that.

379
00:19:26,915 --> 00:19:28,208
[crowd giggling]

380
00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:30,669
I had what I refer to
as the street nigga start.

381
00:19:30,752 --> 00:19:33,130
-It's when you don't… You…
-[crowd laughing]

382
00:19:33,213 --> 00:19:36,133
You're just trying
to get a little jump on him. That's all.

383
00:19:36,216 --> 00:19:38,177
[crowd laughing, clapping]

384
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:42,806
Oh my God. Little boy's
on the other end of the block.

385
00:19:42,890 --> 00:19:43,807
"On your mark, set…"

386
00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:46,185
He dropped his hands.
Bow. It's time to go.

387
00:19:46,268 --> 00:19:47,561
He got out the gates on me.

388
00:19:48,145 --> 00:19:50,606
Now, when I run,
I start off with my head down.

389
00:19:50,689 --> 00:19:54,234
I start off with my head down,
and then I eventually pick my head up.

390
00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:55,527
Every time I pick my head up,

391
00:19:55,611 --> 00:19:58,113
we're either side-by-side
or I'm in front of you by a bit.

392
00:19:58,197 --> 00:19:59,156
It's never failed.

393
00:19:59,239 --> 00:20:01,617
I've never had a race
where we haven't been side-by-side

394
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:03,452
or I've been in front of you
by a little bit.

395
00:20:03,535 --> 00:20:05,370
For the first time ever,
I pick my head up,

396
00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:07,206
I saw the back of his head. Oh my God.

397
00:20:07,289 --> 00:20:08,373
[crowd laughing]

398
00:20:08,457 --> 00:20:10,667
I'm fucking losing. Oh my God.

399
00:20:11,251 --> 00:20:13,212
Something's off.
Something's gotta be wrong.

400
00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:15,923
There's no way I'm fucking losing.
Something's wrong.

401
00:20:16,757 --> 00:20:19,843
I look at my fingers. I didn't have
my fingers closed up all the way.

402
00:20:20,469 --> 00:20:21,386
Had to close 'em up.

403
00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:23,138
-[exclaiming]
-[crowd laughing]

404
00:20:24,806 --> 00:20:27,351
The older you get,
the more noise you make when you run.

405
00:20:27,434 --> 00:20:29,645
-[yelling]
-[crowd laughing]

406
00:20:29,728 --> 00:20:31,313
[continues yelling]

407
00:20:32,522 --> 00:20:36,026
My friends, they're yelling from the side,
"Come on, Kev! Get it up!"

408
00:20:36,109 --> 00:20:39,279
"Get your knees up, Kev.
It's thin. Heel to toe. It's thin."

409
00:20:39,863 --> 00:20:41,323
"Fuck, I'm trying!"

410
00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:46,286
I can't catch him. Eight steps left
in the race, guys. I'm talking to myself,

411
00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:49,414
"Come on, Kev. Put your knees up.
Fuck, man. Turn it over, Kev."

412
00:20:49,498 --> 00:20:50,582
"Come on!"

413
00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:53,543
Second to last step, I felt it.
[snaps fingers] Just like that.

414
00:20:53,627 --> 00:20:54,962
I fucking felt it.

415
00:20:55,045 --> 00:20:56,296
[groans, snaps fingers]

416
00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:57,839
You know what it felt like?

417
00:20:58,340 --> 00:21:01,802
It felt like my dick flew off my body
and went in the bush. It…

418
00:21:02,469 --> 00:21:06,390
It felt like my dick
left my body and went in the bush.

419
00:21:08,350 --> 00:21:10,352
I stopped running immediately. Ah!

420
00:21:10,435 --> 00:21:12,437
-Ah!
-[crowd laughing]

421
00:21:12,521 --> 00:21:14,982
I made that dumbass face
people make when they get hurt

422
00:21:15,065 --> 00:21:17,067
and they make eye contact with somebody.

423
00:21:17,609 --> 00:21:19,611
[crowd laughing]

424
00:21:21,446 --> 00:21:23,407
[crowd continues laughing]

425
00:21:26,827 --> 00:21:29,329
My trainer knew right away.
My trainer said, "Kev, you good?"

426
00:21:29,413 --> 00:21:31,498
"Absolutely not. I'm fucked up, man."

427
00:21:32,499 --> 00:21:35,544
You can tell how hurt you are
by who you ask for after the injury.

428
00:21:35,627 --> 00:21:37,546
All my friends are standing right there.

429
00:21:37,629 --> 00:21:40,882
I said, "Go get my wife. Right now.
One of y'all go get my wife."

430
00:21:40,966 --> 00:21:43,844
When you ask for your wife,
you wanna get your life affairs in order.

431
00:21:43,927 --> 00:21:46,722
You wanna sign paperwork.
The family trust, the will…

432
00:21:46,805 --> 00:21:48,098
I don't give a fuck what it is.

433
00:21:48,181 --> 00:21:50,309
My dick's in a bush.
I don't wanna live anymore.

434
00:21:51,101 --> 00:21:53,395
I'm not living without a dick.
My dick is in the bush.

435
00:21:56,481 --> 00:22:00,569
They went to go get my wife.
My wife came out hot. Had an attitude.

436
00:22:01,153 --> 00:22:03,155
Head bobbing side to side.

437
00:22:03,947 --> 00:22:05,282
As soon as she saw me, she said,

438
00:22:05,365 --> 00:22:07,326
"What the fuck your stupid ass
done did now?"

439
00:22:07,409 --> 00:22:09,119
[crowd laughing]

440
00:22:11,913 --> 00:22:13,498
[scattered laughter]

441
00:22:14,624 --> 00:22:16,626
[crowd laughing]

442
00:22:26,595 --> 00:22:27,763
"I need you to do me a favor."

443
00:22:27,846 --> 00:22:30,057
"Go look in that bush
and see if you see my dick."

444
00:22:31,308 --> 00:22:32,517
"What?"

445
00:22:33,018 --> 00:22:36,146
[loudly] "Go look in the bush
and see if you see my dick!"

446
00:22:37,606 --> 00:22:40,233
"Your dick ain't in no bush."
"My dick is in the bush!"

447
00:22:41,109 --> 00:22:42,944
Because I'm small,
she grabbed me right away.

448
00:22:43,028 --> 00:22:45,572
"Come here! Come here!
That's your dick right there."

449
00:22:45,655 --> 00:22:46,865
"I feel your dick right there."

450
00:22:46,948 --> 00:22:51,328
"Impossible. That's all balls.
What you just felt is all balls."

451
00:22:53,163 --> 00:22:55,040
"My dick is in the bush."

452
00:22:56,166 --> 00:22:58,085
"I'm not arguing
with you about where my dick is."

453
00:22:58,168 --> 00:22:59,836
"I'm calling a doctor right now."

454
00:23:00,796 --> 00:23:02,756
I called my doctor. "Doc, this is bad."

455
00:23:03,256 --> 00:23:06,176
"I can't walk, Doc. There's a chance
that my dick is in the bush."

456
00:23:06,259 --> 00:23:08,887
"I took a picture of the bush,
in case we gotta come back to get it."

457
00:23:08,970 --> 00:23:11,765
-"My wife won't help me look for it."
-[crowd laughing]

458
00:23:11,848 --> 00:23:14,101
I'm coming to the hospital, Doc,
but I'm coming through the back.

459
00:23:14,184 --> 00:23:17,521
I don't want nobody to see me like this.
"Get a gurney, a stretcher. I can't walk."

460
00:23:17,604 --> 00:23:20,732
He said, "Kevin, I got you."
True story, people.

461
00:23:20,816 --> 00:23:22,943
My friends pick me up,
put me in the passenger seat.

462
00:23:23,026 --> 00:23:24,986
We pull up at the hospital.
My worst nightmare.

463
00:23:25,070 --> 00:23:27,906
It's like an episode of one
of those really bad hospital TV shows.

464
00:23:27,989 --> 00:23:30,367
They show up, they got the gurney,
they put me on the gurney,

465
00:23:30,450 --> 00:23:31,952
start rushing me through the hospital.

466
00:23:32,035 --> 00:23:34,121
They're cutting my pants from the bottom,

467
00:23:34,204 --> 00:23:36,790
saying those weird hospital sentences
that don't make sense.

468
00:23:36,873 --> 00:23:39,292
"Give me three TCEs with eight SUVs."

469
00:23:39,376 --> 00:23:42,671
I don't know what the fuck they're saying.
I don't know what they're saying.

470
00:23:44,256 --> 00:23:46,550
Somebody yells out,
"We gotta give him an MRI."

471
00:23:46,633 --> 00:23:48,885
"Give him an MRI
so we can see what's going on."

472
00:23:49,386 --> 00:23:52,514
I don't know what it is about
the MRI machine, but I can't take it.

473
00:23:52,597 --> 00:23:55,016
But I'm never honest about it.
I lie every time.

474
00:23:55,100 --> 00:23:58,520
They put me in the MRI machine.
My doctor came out. "Kev, you good to go?"

475
00:23:58,603 --> 00:24:00,355
"Absolutely, Doc. Let it rip."

476
00:24:00,439 --> 00:24:02,607
He closed the door.
I start hearing the beeps.

477
00:24:02,691 --> 00:24:04,776
Beep, bop.
Boop, boop, boop. Bop, bop, bop.

478
00:24:04,860 --> 00:24:07,237
I lost it. [yells]

479
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:08,488
I said… [chuckles]

480
00:24:08,572 --> 00:24:11,992
I put my hands on the glass.
I said, "They're trying to take my DNA."

481
00:24:12,075 --> 00:24:14,161
-[crowd laughing]
-[Kevin chuckles]

482
00:24:14,244 --> 00:24:15,871
I fucking lost it.

483
00:24:17,497 --> 00:24:19,166
They had to put me to sleep.

484
00:24:20,584 --> 00:24:23,712
They put me to sleep. I came to.
My doctor was very honest with me.

485
00:24:23,795 --> 00:24:25,964
He said, "Kevin,
it's exactly what you thought it was."

486
00:24:26,047 --> 00:24:28,091
"You messed yourself up
pretty bad, Kevin."

487
00:24:28,175 --> 00:24:30,343
He said, "Kevin, you tore up
both your adductors."

488
00:24:30,427 --> 00:24:32,387
-Fuck!
-[crowd laughing]

489
00:24:33,180 --> 00:24:34,806
I tore both of them?

490
00:24:35,682 --> 00:24:37,726
Tears. Real tears, instantly.

491
00:24:37,809 --> 00:24:39,895
I'm crying. I'm a fucking mess.

492
00:24:41,271 --> 00:24:44,441
The reason why I was crying is
because I had no idea what that was.

493
00:24:44,524 --> 00:24:48,653
I've never heard that before.
I never heard it, so I assume the worst.

494
00:24:48,737 --> 00:24:50,780
"What are you saying, Doc?
I don't have ovaries?"

495
00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:53,366
"Did you take my ovaries,
you son of a bitch?"

496
00:24:54,409 --> 00:24:56,328
"Did you take my ovaries from me?"

497
00:25:00,248 --> 00:25:01,249
It was a sad day.

498
00:25:03,293 --> 00:25:04,961
I got a wheelchair that day.

499
00:25:05,462 --> 00:25:07,756
I was in a wheelchair for six weeks,
people.

500
00:25:08,381 --> 00:25:11,968
They gave me the hospital wheelchair,
which is possibly the worst wheelchair

501
00:25:12,052 --> 00:25:13,011
that money can buy.

502
00:25:13,970 --> 00:25:16,848
It's the one that you gotta fold.
You gotta fucking fold it.

503
00:25:17,349 --> 00:25:20,227
But you gotta be strong as shit.
You gotta fucking really…

504
00:25:21,144 --> 00:25:24,231
The only way you get it flat,
you gotta punch the seat. Bam!

505
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:26,983
The brakes are behind the wheels.

506
00:25:27,067 --> 00:25:29,402
You gotta step on the brakes
real fucking hard.

507
00:25:29,486 --> 00:25:30,904
[crowd laughing]

508
00:25:31,613 --> 00:25:33,698
I have so much more respect
for people in a wheelchair

509
00:25:33,782 --> 00:25:35,075
after being in a wheelchair.

510
00:25:35,158 --> 00:25:38,662
Notice I said "more." I've always
had respect for people in wheelchairs.

511
00:25:38,745 --> 00:25:40,080
I just have more respect now.

512
00:25:41,998 --> 00:25:44,751
You know what it is?
It's all about the wheelchair handler.

513
00:25:44,834 --> 00:25:47,963
You get a bad wheelchair handler,
life in a wheelchair can be shit.

514
00:25:48,046 --> 00:25:51,091
-[crowd laughing]
-You need a good wheelchair handler.

515
00:25:51,174 --> 00:25:53,426
My handler was horrible. Horrible.

516
00:25:53,510 --> 00:25:55,720
My first handler? Horrible.

517
00:25:56,805 --> 00:26:00,433
My first handler was my wife.
What a bitch to get. I'm just saying.

518
00:26:00,517 --> 00:26:02,852
-It is what it is. I'm being honest.
-[crowd laughing]

519
00:26:02,936 --> 00:26:06,314
Day one in a wheelchair, I get home.
She rolled me in front of a window.

520
00:26:06,398 --> 00:26:08,900
Locked the back brakes. [grunting]
Said, "I'll be back."

521
00:26:08,984 --> 00:26:11,736
Seven hours she left me
in front of that fucking window.

522
00:26:11,820 --> 00:26:12,862
Seven hours!

523
00:26:14,322 --> 00:26:16,992
I don't know the last time
you looked out a window for seven hours,

524
00:26:17,075 --> 00:26:18,910
but I saw everything that day.

525
00:26:19,828 --> 00:26:23,790
It was like a Black episode of Misery.
I didn't know what the fuck was going on.

526
00:26:24,499 --> 00:26:27,335
Pissing and shitting on myself.
Nobody changed me.

527
00:26:27,419 --> 00:26:29,504
-"What the fuck is this?"
-[crowd laughing]

528
00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:34,718
Life in a wheelchair was tough, man.
I didn't want my wife anymore.

529
00:26:34,801 --> 00:26:36,511
I said, "You know what?
I want my son now."

530
00:26:36,595 --> 00:26:40,056
"I wanna use my son.
My son's gonna be a better handler."

531
00:26:40,557 --> 00:26:41,850
My son was no better.

532
00:26:41,933 --> 00:26:43,977
-[crowd laughing]
-He played too much.

533
00:26:44,060 --> 00:26:45,228
My son would do shit like

534
00:26:45,312 --> 00:26:47,355
push the wheelchair
out in front of him real far.

535
00:26:47,439 --> 00:26:50,817
Then he'd run, jump on the back,
make my shit pop up.

536
00:26:50,900 --> 00:26:52,319
[crowd laughing]

537
00:26:52,402 --> 00:26:55,405
There's no greater fear than the fear
of somebody pushing you on a wheelchair

538
00:26:55,488 --> 00:26:57,449
and letting you go, and you see traffic.

539
00:26:57,532 --> 00:27:00,118
-"Hey! Hey!"
-[crowd laughing]

540
00:27:00,201 --> 00:27:01,286
[yelling] "Hey!"

541
00:27:02,662 --> 00:27:04,998
[chuckles] That's how I found out
why they wore gloves.

542
00:27:05,081 --> 00:27:07,709
I never knew
why people in a wheelchair wore gloves.

543
00:27:08,209 --> 00:27:11,212
I thought it was because they had attitude
and were sick of people's shit.

544
00:27:12,589 --> 00:27:14,215
That day I saw traffic, I panicked.

545
00:27:14,299 --> 00:27:16,343
I tried to stop the wheels
with my bare hands.

546
00:27:16,426 --> 00:27:18,678
-I burnt a hole in my palm.
-[crowd laughing]

547
00:27:18,762 --> 00:27:20,180
I burnt a fucking hole in my palm.

548
00:27:20,263 --> 00:27:23,224
When it happened, there was another man
in a wheelchair across the street.

549
00:27:23,308 --> 00:27:24,142
He looked at me.

550
00:27:24,225 --> 00:27:26,436
He said, "You'd better
get you some gloves, little man."

551
00:27:28,063 --> 00:27:30,690
I went home and told my wife,
"I gotta get some gloves."

552
00:27:30,774 --> 00:27:33,693
"Look what I did to my palm.
I burnt a hole. I gotta get some gloves."

553
00:27:34,402 --> 00:27:35,612
She said, "I got no gloves."

554
00:27:35,695 --> 00:27:37,822
"I've got some mittens upstairs.
You use those."

555
00:27:37,906 --> 00:27:39,199
[crowd laughing]

556
00:27:39,282 --> 00:27:40,283
I get the mittens.

557
00:27:40,367 --> 00:27:42,327
We go outside later that night.
I was rolling.

558
00:27:42,410 --> 00:27:44,996
I see the same man in the wheelchair
that told me to get the gloves.

559
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,999
I try to show him love. I said,
"I appreciate you looking out for me."

560
00:27:48,083 --> 00:27:49,959
"Telling me to protect my hands like this

561
00:27:50,043 --> 00:27:52,962
means the world that we're
fucking sticking together like this, man."

562
00:27:53,546 --> 00:27:56,675
Apparently, this is disrespectful
in the wheelchair community.

563
00:27:56,758 --> 00:27:58,468
This means something.

564
00:27:58,551 --> 00:28:01,721
He got mad. He said, "You ain't gonna put
your thumb in nobody's ass over here."

565
00:28:01,805 --> 00:28:05,058
I said, "What…
the fuck are you talking about?"

566
00:28:05,141 --> 00:28:07,560
"Ain't nobody trying
to put their thumb in your ass."

567
00:28:07,644 --> 00:28:11,481
"I'm saying thank you for the love.
I'm saying thank you."

568
00:28:11,564 --> 00:28:14,067
He said, "You think it's a game, bitch?"
He charged me.

569
00:28:14,776 --> 00:28:16,736
[crowd laughing]

570
00:28:17,612 --> 00:28:20,365
It's my first wheelchair fight.
I'd never been in a wheelchair fight.

571
00:28:21,533 --> 00:28:24,911
I didn't know what to do, I couldn't move,
'cause my son had my back brakes locked.

572
00:28:24,994 --> 00:28:28,289
So I had to… I had to brace for impact.
I was… We were… [chuckles]

573
00:28:28,373 --> 00:28:31,084
We were looking at each other in the eye.
[yelling aggressively]

574
00:28:31,167 --> 00:28:32,669
[crowd laughing]

575
00:28:32,752 --> 00:28:35,588
Fucking knocked me out the chair.
Oh my God!

576
00:28:36,256 --> 00:28:38,925
I got up. I'm pissed.
"Why the fuck you ram me like that?"

577
00:28:39,008 --> 00:28:40,635
People were watching. Somebody yelled out,

578
00:28:40,719 --> 00:28:42,762
"He's faking.
He can move his legs." [chuckles]

579
00:28:42,846 --> 00:28:44,097
[crowd laughing]

580
00:28:44,889 --> 00:28:45,849
[Kevin chuckles]

581
00:28:47,434 --> 00:28:49,310
I said, "I'm not faking. I'm not faking."

582
00:28:49,394 --> 00:28:52,272
"I got abducted. I don't have ovaries.
They took my ovaries."

583
00:28:52,355 --> 00:28:53,606
[crowd laughing]

584
00:28:53,690 --> 00:28:56,526
"You don't know
what it's like to not have ovaries."

585
00:28:56,609 --> 00:28:58,111
"I don't have any ovaries."

586
00:29:01,322 --> 00:29:02,991
You guys are laughing,
but this is my life.

587
00:29:03,074 --> 00:29:04,492
[chuckles] This is…

588
00:29:04,576 --> 00:29:05,577
[giggles]

589
00:29:08,079 --> 00:29:12,667
I started walking again
in six and a half weeks. Walking.

590
00:29:13,543 --> 00:29:17,380
Because we're being honest,
very transparent tonight, I had a thought.

591
00:29:17,881 --> 00:29:20,425
When I was walking,
I realized that over the last six weeks

592
00:29:20,508 --> 00:29:22,051
my dick didn't get hard one time.

593
00:29:22,135 --> 00:29:24,846
This is a true story. "Oh my God."

594
00:29:25,346 --> 00:29:27,766
"What if this is life now? Oh my God."

595
00:29:28,266 --> 00:29:30,143
"What if this is now my new norm?"

596
00:29:30,226 --> 00:29:33,438
"What if my wife wanna fuck, and I can't
'cause my dick don't work? Oh my God."

597
00:29:33,521 --> 00:29:35,523
-[crowd laughing]
-Here's the thing about me.

598
00:29:35,607 --> 00:29:37,817
I don't have anxiety,
but when I get it, I got it.

599
00:29:37,901 --> 00:29:42,113
I felt like I had it. Right?
So I started to spiral a little bit.

600
00:29:42,197 --> 00:29:43,573
I'm fucking spiraling.

601
00:29:44,199 --> 00:29:46,409
I went out. I got a dick pill.

602
00:29:46,493 --> 00:29:49,204
True story. There's no shame in my game

603
00:29:49,287 --> 00:29:51,581
about admitting
that I took a dick pill before.

604
00:29:52,207 --> 00:29:54,000
I feel like every man
should take a dick pill

605
00:29:54,083 --> 00:29:55,418
at some point in time in his life.

606
00:29:55,502 --> 00:29:58,797
And hit their lady with a piece
of dick-pill dick. I really feel that way.

607
00:29:59,339 --> 00:30:02,801
I don't think you should tell her.
Don't tell her when you take a dick pill.

608
00:30:03,301 --> 00:30:06,095
My wife has no idea
that I took a dick pill.

609
00:30:06,179 --> 00:30:09,974
She will once she sees the set, of course.
But as of right now, she doesn't know.

610
00:30:11,309 --> 00:30:13,436
It's all about understanding the rules,

611
00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:15,855
all about understanding
the context behind the dick pill.

612
00:30:15,939 --> 00:30:17,190
You get the right dick pill,

613
00:30:17,273 --> 00:30:19,275
you can get three good days
out of a dick pill.

614
00:30:19,359 --> 00:30:20,276
[crowd laughing]

615
00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:22,862
Rule number one is
that you can't believe the hype.

616
00:30:23,363 --> 00:30:25,865
Make sure you understand that, fellas.
Don't believe the hype.

617
00:30:25,949 --> 00:30:28,618
That's not you. That's the dick pill.
Do you understand that?

618
00:30:30,161 --> 00:30:31,329
It's not you.

619
00:30:31,412 --> 00:30:32,622
It's the dick pill.

620
00:30:32,705 --> 00:30:35,959
Don't try to merge your regular dick
after your dick-pill dick.

621
00:30:36,042 --> 00:30:37,752
Those are two different versions of dick.

622
00:30:38,378 --> 00:30:41,297
You're gonna get your feelings hurt.
She's gonna fuck with your self-esteem.

623
00:30:41,381 --> 00:30:42,882
[crowd laughing]

624
00:30:42,966 --> 00:30:45,176
You gotta know how to break the days down.

625
00:30:45,260 --> 00:30:48,346
Day one on the dick pill
is all about setting the tone,

626
00:30:48,429 --> 00:30:49,597
setting the foundation.

627
00:30:49,681 --> 00:30:51,808
You know what's in your system. She don't.

628
00:30:52,308 --> 00:30:53,768
You gotta talk shit.

629
00:30:53,852 --> 00:30:56,312
"You keep walking around here
stomping your goddamn feet,

630
00:30:56,396 --> 00:30:58,147
you're gonna get what you're asking for."

631
00:30:59,107 --> 00:31:01,109
"'Cause you must've forgotten
who the fuck I am

632
00:31:01,192 --> 00:31:02,277
and what I'm capable of."

633
00:31:02,360 --> 00:31:04,279
"I'm about to toss
your ass up in the air."

634
00:31:04,362 --> 00:31:05,280
[crowd laughing]

635
00:31:05,363 --> 00:31:06,406
"You keep playing with me,

636
00:31:06,489 --> 00:31:08,283
you gonna get
a goddamn blast from the past."

637
00:31:08,366 --> 00:31:11,744
"Whatever, Kevin. Whatever.
You're always talking shit."

638
00:31:11,828 --> 00:31:14,163
"Whatever. You're always talking shit."

639
00:31:14,247 --> 00:31:15,790
[crowd laughing]

640
00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:19,419
End of day one, you do exactly
what you said you was gonna do.

641
00:31:19,502 --> 00:31:23,006
You give out the best piece of dick-pill
dick you've ever given in your life.

642
00:31:23,089 --> 00:31:26,801
Day two is all about the follow-through.
"What did I tell you I was gonna do?"

643
00:31:26,885 --> 00:31:29,596
"Didn't I tell you I was gonna do that?
I can do that whenever I want."

644
00:31:29,679 --> 00:31:32,223
"It's like a light switch.
I can flick it on and flick it off."

645
00:31:32,307 --> 00:31:34,309
"The reason why you don't get
that dick all the time

646
00:31:34,392 --> 00:31:37,020
is because you don't know
how to act. That's why."

647
00:31:37,103 --> 00:31:38,313
[crowd laughing]

648
00:31:38,396 --> 00:31:40,773
"You start acting right,
you'll get that dick more often."

649
00:31:40,857 --> 00:31:44,569
[mocking] "I'll act right.
I'll act right. I'll act…" [laughs]

650
00:31:44,652 --> 00:31:45,987
[crowd laughing]

651
00:31:46,070 --> 00:31:48,865
[mocking] "Tell me what I gotta do
to act right. I'll act right."

652
00:31:50,533 --> 00:31:52,535
"You can start by shutting the fuck up."

653
00:31:54,078 --> 00:31:56,372
-[mock crying]
-[crowd laughing]

654
00:32:00,209 --> 00:32:03,046
You're a different man
with a dick pill in your system.

655
00:32:03,129 --> 00:32:06,299
You're not the same version
of yourself that you are without.

656
00:32:06,382 --> 00:32:08,301
Your trash talk is even different.

657
00:32:08,384 --> 00:32:11,220
You're saying shit that you didn't know
you were capable of saying.

658
00:32:11,304 --> 00:32:13,306
"What's my goddamn name?" "Kevin."

659
00:32:13,389 --> 00:32:18,561
"No. No! What's my full name,
the way it is on my birth certificate?"

660
00:32:18,645 --> 00:32:23,983
[scoffs] "Kevin Darnell Hart.
Kevin Darnell Hart. Kevin Darnell Hart."

661
00:32:24,067 --> 00:32:26,694
-[drawn-out] "Yeah!"
-[crowd laughing]

662
00:32:26,778 --> 00:32:27,695
"Yeah!"

663
00:32:30,114 --> 00:32:31,866
What's my Social Security number?

664
00:32:31,950 --> 00:32:33,117
[crowd laughing]

665
00:32:33,201 --> 00:32:35,578
"What? I don't even… I don't even know."

666
00:32:35,662 --> 00:32:37,080
"What's my Social Security number?"

667
00:32:37,163 --> 00:32:38,998
"You better say it
before I take this dick out."

668
00:32:39,082 --> 00:32:41,167
[whining] "No. Don't take this dick out."

669
00:32:41,250 --> 00:32:43,503
[sobbing] "Oh God."

670
00:32:43,586 --> 00:32:46,172
"1-7-4-3-2-2-2."

671
00:32:46,255 --> 00:32:48,883
-[drawn-out] "Yeah!"
-[crowd laughing]

672
00:32:48,967 --> 00:32:49,801
"Yeah!"

673
00:32:52,261 --> 00:32:54,013
"Raise your hand if you lovin' this dick."

674
00:32:54,097 --> 00:32:55,890
[sobbing] "I'm loving this dick."

675
00:32:57,558 --> 00:32:59,894
You can't follow that
with your regular dick.

676
00:33:00,395 --> 00:33:02,605
You will get your feelings hurt.

677
00:33:02,689 --> 00:33:03,940
[crowd laughing]

678
00:33:04,023 --> 00:33:06,693
Right off the gate,
she will hit you with a gut punch.

679
00:33:06,776 --> 00:33:08,236
As soon as you put it in.

680
00:33:08,736 --> 00:33:11,364
"Is it hard all the way?
It don't feel like it did yesterday."

681
00:33:11,447 --> 00:33:14,659
-"Bitch, what did you just say to me?"
-[crowd laughing]

682
00:33:14,742 --> 00:33:18,496
[chuckles] "Bitch, what did you just say?"
"It don't feel like it did yesterday."

683
00:33:18,579 --> 00:33:20,873
"It don't feel like it's got the same
amount of blood in it

684
00:33:20,957 --> 00:33:22,291
that it had in it yesterday."

685
00:33:23,167 --> 00:33:25,753
"You said if I act right
I can get that dick whenever I wanted,

686
00:33:25,837 --> 00:33:27,213
and I've been acting right."

687
00:33:28,214 --> 00:33:30,842
"Here, let me help you…
Let me help you get more blood in it."

688
00:33:30,925 --> 00:33:36,014
"Kevin Darnell Hart.
Kevin Darnell Hart. Kevin Darnell Hart."

689
00:33:36,097 --> 00:33:38,182
"Bitch, stop saying my full fucking name!"

690
00:33:38,683 --> 00:33:41,019
"The fuck are you saying
my full name for like that?"

691
00:33:41,978 --> 00:33:44,814
"1-7-4-3-2-2-2-1."

692
00:33:45,314 --> 00:33:47,817
"Bitch, stop saying
my Social Security number!"

693
00:33:48,401 --> 00:33:50,570
"You wearing a wire?
Who the fuck you work for?"

694
00:33:50,653 --> 00:33:51,612
[crowd laughing]

695
00:33:51,696 --> 00:33:54,407
[crying] "I want that dick.
I want that dick."

696
00:33:54,490 --> 00:33:56,284
"Put your fucking hand down."

697
00:33:56,367 --> 00:33:57,744
[crowd laughing]

698
00:33:59,746 --> 00:34:03,916
Now this went in reverse.
Now you're you soft. Oh my God.

699
00:34:04,876 --> 00:34:08,671
You just went soft in the session
with the woman you love. Holy shit!

700
00:34:08,755 --> 00:34:11,299
This is bad. This is as bad as it gets.

701
00:34:11,382 --> 00:34:14,427
This is ground zero,
level-ten stage of panic.

702
00:34:14,510 --> 00:34:16,387
You gotta do
what you can to save the session.

703
00:34:16,471 --> 00:34:18,931
That's when you gotta hit your lady
with the squeeze and squish.

704
00:34:19,015 --> 00:34:20,975
Sir, you know
what the squeeze and squish is?

705
00:34:21,517 --> 00:34:23,853
The squeeze and squish
is your last resort.

706
00:34:23,936 --> 00:34:26,355
That's your last resort
at saving the session.

707
00:34:26,439 --> 00:34:28,399
You gotta squeeze the base
with everything you got,

708
00:34:28,483 --> 00:34:30,902
try to get enough blood at the top
until you pop the seal.

709
00:34:30,985 --> 00:34:33,446
[laughs] That's when
you turn into a Transformer.

710
00:34:33,529 --> 00:34:34,781
[mimicking beeping]

711
00:34:34,864 --> 00:34:36,157
[grunting]

712
00:34:36,240 --> 00:34:38,242
Just looking for a little reaction.

713
00:34:38,326 --> 00:34:39,619
[yelling]

714
00:34:41,537 --> 00:34:44,165
"What's happening?" "Shut up, Shut up!"

715
00:34:45,583 --> 00:34:46,709
"Throwing me off."

716
00:34:49,295 --> 00:34:52,590
Every man knows what I'm talking about.
You just didn't know what to call it.

717
00:34:53,091 --> 00:34:54,759
It's the squeeze and squish.
You're welcome.

718
00:34:56,677 --> 00:35:00,056
Women are gonna go home tonight,
"Are you squeeze-and-squishing me?"

719
00:35:00,139 --> 00:35:01,390
[crowd laughing]

720
00:35:01,474 --> 00:35:03,935
That feels very squeeze and squish-ish.

721
00:35:04,018 --> 00:35:05,311
[crowd laughing]

722
00:35:05,895 --> 00:35:07,855
[laughing hysterically]

723
00:35:09,357 --> 00:35:11,192
You know what my problem was? I think…

724
00:35:11,275 --> 00:35:14,403
I think my problem
was my dick pill provider.

725
00:35:14,487 --> 00:35:15,488
[crowd laughs]

726
00:35:15,571 --> 00:35:18,199
My problem was
where I was getting the dick pills from.

727
00:35:18,282 --> 00:35:19,534
I didn't wanna go to the doctor.

728
00:35:19,617 --> 00:35:21,744
I didn't want to get
a prescription for dick pills.

729
00:35:21,828 --> 00:35:23,496
I felt that was too aggressive.

730
00:35:24,205 --> 00:35:27,333
Getting a prescription for dick pills.
Jesus Christ.

731
00:35:27,917 --> 00:35:30,795
I mean, God, what happens
when he cancels your prescription?

732
00:35:30,878 --> 00:35:32,213
You can't do it anymore.

733
00:35:32,296 --> 00:35:34,966
You no longer get a prescription
because a doctor cancelled it.

734
00:35:35,049 --> 00:35:36,509
That's embarrassing.

735
00:35:36,592 --> 00:35:38,511
What's that conversation like?

736
00:35:38,594 --> 00:35:40,555
[in submissive tone]
"No, I know. I know, Doc."

737
00:35:40,638 --> 00:35:42,223
-[chuckles]
-[crowd laughing]

738
00:35:42,306 --> 00:35:46,310
"I'm not even fucking like that no more.
I swear to God. This… This is it."

739
00:35:46,394 --> 00:35:49,188
"This'll be my last time.
Don't leave me out there like that."

740
00:35:49,856 --> 00:35:51,732
I just can't see myself in that situation.

741
00:35:51,816 --> 00:35:54,318
I was getting
my dick pills from the gas station.

742
00:35:54,402 --> 00:35:56,237
-Um…
-[crowd laughing]

743
00:35:56,320 --> 00:35:57,155
I was.

744
00:35:58,156 --> 00:36:00,867
It didn't happen on purpose.
It was an impromptu purchase.

745
00:36:01,659 --> 00:36:03,828
I went to go get gas.
Went inside to get chips.

746
00:36:03,911 --> 00:36:07,582
They had the dick pills next to the chips.
I said, "Fuck it." I took it right there.

747
00:36:07,665 --> 00:36:09,041
[gobbles, laughs]

748
00:36:09,125 --> 00:36:10,042
[chuckles]

749
00:36:10,751 --> 00:36:13,004
I drank a C4 Energy drink.
Felt it right away.

750
00:36:13,087 --> 00:36:14,255
[grunts aggressively]

751
00:36:16,048 --> 00:36:17,925
My problem was the gas station clerk.

752
00:36:18,009 --> 00:36:20,344
I had so many questions
for the gas station clerk.

753
00:36:20,428 --> 00:36:22,096
I told you guys I've got a little anxiety.

754
00:36:22,180 --> 00:36:24,348
I was treating the gas station clerk
like a doctor.

755
00:36:24,432 --> 00:36:26,309
I had so much that I wanted to know.

756
00:36:26,392 --> 00:36:29,562
I said, "Excuse me. Excuse me.
Can you tell me the difference

757
00:36:29,645 --> 00:36:32,231
between a Rhino XL
and a Silverback 45 Pro?"

758
00:36:32,315 --> 00:36:34,734
-"What's the difference of those two?"
-[crowd laughing]

759
00:36:34,817 --> 00:36:38,029
"Oh! Okay, so you like the Rhino?
Okay. Okay."

760
00:36:38,529 --> 00:36:39,655
"I'm allergic to shellfish."

761
00:36:39,739 --> 00:36:41,991
-"Anything I need to worry about?"
-[crowd laughing]

762
00:36:42,074 --> 00:36:43,534
"No? I'll be fine? Okay."

763
00:36:45,161 --> 00:36:46,579
"How do your customers feel?"

764
00:36:46,662 --> 00:36:49,665
"Do you get repeat customers?
Do they come back and buy more?"

765
00:36:49,749 --> 00:36:52,084
"Do they say they loved it
and come back and get it again?"

766
00:36:52,168 --> 00:36:53,502
He told me flat out.

767
00:36:53,586 --> 00:36:56,589
"I've got one guy that comes in here
and buys every dick pill we have."

768
00:36:56,672 --> 00:36:58,299
"He leaves with 'em in his back pocket."

769
00:36:58,382 --> 00:37:01,844
I said, "There's only one back pocket
big enough to fit that many dick pills."

770
00:37:04,263 --> 00:37:07,141
Michael Jordan, you son of a bitch.

771
00:37:08,684 --> 00:37:11,604
Michael Dick Pill Jordan,
you son of a bitch!

772
00:37:12,980 --> 00:37:16,484
[cackling]

773
00:37:17,568 --> 00:37:18,694
[continues cackling]

774
00:37:19,612 --> 00:37:21,364
Mike gonna kill me when he sees this set.

775
00:37:21,447 --> 00:37:24,158
-I can't wait. He gonna fuckin' kill me.
-[crowd laughing]

776
00:37:24,242 --> 00:37:26,494
Y'all gonna read about
me and Mike fighting in the streets.

777
00:37:26,577 --> 00:37:29,538
I'm gonna keep punching him
in his back pocket. "Fuck you, Mike."

778
00:37:29,622 --> 00:37:32,458
"Fuck you, man.
I know where the computer is."

779
00:37:36,045 --> 00:37:39,131
I really am afraid
of being addicted to pills.

780
00:37:39,215 --> 00:37:41,175
That's a real fear of mine.

781
00:37:41,676 --> 00:37:44,136
The reason why is
because I'm a 45-year-old Black man.

782
00:37:44,220 --> 00:37:46,347
This is where health and wellness
comes into play, man.

783
00:37:46,430 --> 00:37:47,890
Take care of yourselves, people.

784
00:37:47,974 --> 00:37:50,601
Take care of yourselves
while you can make the choice.

785
00:37:50,685 --> 00:37:54,563
Do not wait until you don't have a choice.
Let that sink in.

786
00:37:54,647 --> 00:37:57,733
Take care of yourself
while you can make the fucking choice.

787
00:37:57,817 --> 00:37:59,652
Health and wellness is very serious.

788
00:37:59,735 --> 00:38:00,987
-It is.
-[crowd clapping]

789
00:38:01,070 --> 00:38:02,571
-It is.
-[crowd whistling]

790
00:38:04,657 --> 00:38:07,868
The reason
why I'm so big on taking care of myself

791
00:38:07,952 --> 00:38:10,246
is because a lot of shit is in my family.

792
00:38:10,329 --> 00:38:12,623
A lot of shit.
My family is fucked up, man.

793
00:38:12,707 --> 00:38:13,791
Name it, they got it.

794
00:38:14,375 --> 00:38:18,671
Diabetes, fucking cancer,
high blood pressure, hypertension, gout.

795
00:38:18,754 --> 00:38:22,758
I mean, strokes left and right.
You name it, they're fucking battling it.

796
00:38:22,842 --> 00:38:25,761
I don't wanna be that guy,
so I'm trying to fucking prevent it.

797
00:38:25,845 --> 00:38:28,889
Trying to change myself now
so I don't have to do it later.

798
00:38:28,973 --> 00:38:30,850
That's what I'm trying to do.
That's the goal.

799
00:38:30,933 --> 00:38:32,727
-Um…
-[crowd clapping]

800
00:38:32,810 --> 00:38:33,853
I'll…

801
00:38:34,645 --> 00:38:38,899
I'll say to my friends… My friends are
probably the dumbest people in the world

802
00:38:38,983 --> 00:38:41,277
when it comes to understanding
health and wellness.

803
00:38:41,360 --> 00:38:43,946
My friends have
no respect for health and wellness.

804
00:38:44,030 --> 00:38:47,700
Spank may be the dumbest when it comes
to understanding health and wellness.

805
00:38:47,783 --> 00:38:51,287
We're at dinner. This was a month ago.
Spank drank a glass of wine. Right?

806
00:38:51,370 --> 00:38:52,872
After he got down the wine, he's like,

807
00:38:52,955 --> 00:38:55,249
"Goddamn, every time I drink wine,
I get dizzy as shit."

808
00:38:55,333 --> 00:38:58,461
"My motherfucking eyes get blurry,
I can't feel my hand."

809
00:38:58,544 --> 00:39:01,213
"The left side of my face
feels like it's getting long."

810
00:39:01,297 --> 00:39:04,050
"My fucking arm is numb.
I can't feel my leg."

811
00:39:04,133 --> 00:39:06,635
"My foot feels like
it's got spikes coming in it."

812
00:39:06,719 --> 00:39:09,972
I said, "Bitch, you're having a stroke.
This is a stroke."

813
00:39:10,056 --> 00:39:11,265
[crowd laughing]

814
00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:13,392
He said, "I'm all right.
I'm gonna go home, lay down,

815
00:39:13,476 --> 00:39:14,518
and drink some ginger ale."

816
00:39:14,602 --> 00:39:15,728
I said, "What?"

817
00:39:16,687 --> 00:39:19,190
[slurring] "I'mma lay down
and drink some ginger ale."

818
00:39:20,149 --> 00:39:21,817
I really wanna meet the person responsible

819
00:39:21,901 --> 00:39:24,278
for convincing Black people
that ginger ale is medicine.

820
00:39:24,362 --> 00:39:26,113
-I wanna meet you.
-[crowd laughing]

821
00:39:26,197 --> 00:39:28,491
I wanna meet you
so I can punch you in the fucking throat.

822
00:39:28,574 --> 00:39:30,534
It's not medicine!

823
00:39:30,618 --> 00:39:33,412
It's fucking soda. It's soda!

824
00:39:34,830 --> 00:39:37,249
You wanna know
what's not in ginger ale? Ginger.

825
00:39:37,333 --> 00:39:40,211
How about we start there, people?
Fucking ginger!

826
00:39:41,712 --> 00:39:44,924
People got fucking small bottles
of ginger ale in their medicine cabinet.

827
00:39:45,007 --> 00:39:47,385
You fucking idiots. It's soda!

828
00:39:48,677 --> 00:39:50,471
My friends swear by ginger ale.

829
00:39:50,971 --> 00:39:52,390
They swear by it.

830
00:39:52,473 --> 00:39:55,226
My friend Harry, his knees
have been messed up for over ten years.

831
00:39:55,309 --> 00:39:59,397
I know it's his meniscus. I know it is.
Ask Harry what's wrong with his knee,

832
00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:02,066
he goes, "I slept wrong.
I just gotta let it loosen up."

833
00:40:03,067 --> 00:40:05,194
Spank goes,
"You gotta drink some ginger ale."

834
00:40:05,277 --> 00:40:07,363
Harry goes, "Word?" This is a true story.

835
00:40:07,446 --> 00:40:10,533
Harry goes, "Word?" He said,
"I'm telling you, drink some ginger ale."

836
00:40:10,616 --> 00:40:13,327
Harry orders a ginger ale,
drinks it, stands up.

837
00:40:13,411 --> 00:40:16,247
-He goes, "Oh shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah."
-[crowd laughing]

838
00:40:16,330 --> 00:40:17,289
"Yeah!"

839
00:40:17,790 --> 00:40:19,959
"Yeah, I feel that."

840
00:40:20,042 --> 00:40:21,627
You lying bitch.

841
00:40:21,710 --> 00:40:23,003
[crowd laughing]

842
00:40:23,087 --> 00:40:26,549
Telling me you feel bubbles
in your fucking knee? You don't feel shit.

843
00:40:28,926 --> 00:40:32,263
Health and wellness all comes down
to what you can eat versus what you can't.

844
00:40:32,888 --> 00:40:34,515
It's a battle people lose every day.

845
00:40:34,598 --> 00:40:36,642
Some people understand it,
some people don't.

846
00:40:36,725 --> 00:40:39,603
What can you eat versus what you can't.

847
00:40:39,687 --> 00:40:43,190
Old people don't give a fuck.
Old people do not give a fuck.

848
00:40:43,274 --> 00:40:46,610
You ever tried to correct an old person
when you know the shit they can't have?

849
00:40:46,694 --> 00:40:49,613
"Grandpop, you know you can't eat salt."
"Motherfucker, I know."

850
00:40:49,697 --> 00:40:51,031
[crowd laughing]

851
00:40:51,115 --> 00:40:54,410
"You think I give a fuck
about you or the doctor?" [chomping]

852
00:40:54,493 --> 00:40:55,870
They don't give a fuck.

853
00:40:56,662 --> 00:40:59,415
I already know what I can have,
and I know what I can't.

854
00:40:59,999 --> 00:41:02,418
I love the Spicy Chicken Sandwich
from Chick-fil-A.

855
00:41:02,501 --> 00:41:04,128
I can't eat it though, but love it.

856
00:41:04,211 --> 00:41:06,755
I think it's the best sandwich
in the world, but I can't eat it.

857
00:41:06,839 --> 00:41:07,923
That sandwich is undefeated.

858
00:41:08,007 --> 00:41:10,217
It's never lost a battle
to my body. Never.

859
00:41:10,301 --> 00:41:13,471
Every time I eat that sandwich,
it comes out my ass like a buckshot.

860
00:41:13,554 --> 00:41:15,723
-One shot. One shot.
-[crowd laughing]

861
00:41:15,806 --> 00:41:19,101
Pow! There it is. There it is.

862
00:41:19,185 --> 00:41:21,353
I don't even look back.
I know it's a mess.

863
00:41:21,437 --> 00:41:23,898
I know it's a fucking mess back there.

864
00:41:24,398 --> 00:41:25,357
Bang!

865
00:41:25,441 --> 00:41:26,984
[crowd laughing]

866
00:41:27,067 --> 00:41:29,862
You know what pisses me off
about that sandwich? I know I chew it.

867
00:41:29,945 --> 00:41:32,698
-I chew the fuck out of that sandwich.
-[crowd laughing]

868
00:41:32,781 --> 00:41:35,367
Somehow that bitch
put itself back together

869
00:41:35,451 --> 00:41:37,328
and comes out my ass whole.

870
00:41:38,329 --> 00:41:42,875
The bun be on the back of the toilet seat.
The chicken patty on the goddamn floor.

871
00:41:43,792 --> 00:41:46,545
I gotta put the bitch back together
and put it in the toilet.

872
00:41:46,629 --> 00:41:47,588
[crowd laughing]

873
00:41:47,671 --> 00:41:51,008
Fuck that sandwich. It's an ass fire.
It's a walking ass fire.

874
00:41:51,091 --> 00:41:52,718
[crowd laughing]

875
00:41:56,096 --> 00:41:58,098
The older you get, the less you can have.

876
00:41:58,724 --> 00:42:01,101
Your stomach fucking weakens
the older you get.

877
00:42:01,185 --> 00:42:02,770
You can't eat shit no more.

878
00:42:02,853 --> 00:42:05,022
If you really wanna laugh,
go to dinner with old people.

879
00:42:05,523 --> 00:42:06,690
Go to dinner with old people

880
00:42:06,774 --> 00:42:09,610
so you can hear old people
tell the waiters the shit they can't have.

881
00:42:10,110 --> 00:42:13,531
It'll be the simplest shit.
"Excuse me, is there lemon in that water?"

882
00:42:13,614 --> 00:42:15,282
"Uh-uh! Get it out of here."

883
00:42:15,366 --> 00:42:17,034
[crowd laughing]

884
00:42:17,117 --> 00:42:20,037
"I eat that lemon,
it's over for me for the month."

885
00:42:20,120 --> 00:42:21,288
[crowd laughing]

886
00:42:21,372 --> 00:42:24,208
"I'll be shitting for days
if I eat that lemon." [chuckles]

887
00:42:25,167 --> 00:42:26,585
"Lemon makes you shit?"

888
00:42:26,669 --> 00:42:28,128
[crowd laughing]

889
00:42:29,171 --> 00:42:32,591
"Is that sesame seeds on that bun?
Uh-uh. Get it out of here."

890
00:42:34,176 --> 00:42:36,929
"I eat a sesame seed,
I'm fucked up for the year."

891
00:42:37,012 --> 00:42:37,846
"What?"

892
00:42:38,639 --> 00:42:40,391
"For the year? Goddamn!"

893
00:42:42,893 --> 00:42:44,395
But getting old is fun.

894
00:42:45,229 --> 00:42:48,941
I can't wait to get, like,
to the other side of old age.

895
00:42:49,024 --> 00:42:51,944
It's all about knowing
the version of old that you wanna be.

896
00:42:52,027 --> 00:42:53,696
I know the version of old that I wanna be,

897
00:42:53,779 --> 00:42:55,531
and I know the version
that I do not wanna be.

898
00:42:55,614 --> 00:42:57,116
I've already had a talk with my family.

899
00:42:57,199 --> 00:42:58,659
If I get to a certain level of old,

900
00:42:58,742 --> 00:43:00,661
I don't wanna live no more.
I don't wanna be here.

901
00:43:00,744 --> 00:43:03,330
I don't wanna get to this point where…
where I'm like…

902
00:43:03,414 --> 00:43:05,666
-Oh…
-[crowd laughing]

903
00:43:05,749 --> 00:43:07,042
[chuckles]

904
00:43:08,043 --> 00:43:08,877
Oh…

905
00:43:10,296 --> 00:43:12,339
-Oh…
-[crowd continues laughing]

906
00:43:13,173 --> 00:43:16,427
Where you always look
like somebody called you. Oh…

907
00:43:17,761 --> 00:43:19,847
Oh… Oh…

908
00:43:20,639 --> 00:43:21,890
I don't wanna fucking live.

909
00:43:21,974 --> 00:43:26,020
If I get there, you gotta remind me
of all the shit that I used to like.

910
00:43:26,979 --> 00:43:29,773
"Grandpop, you want some pancakes?"
"I don't want no pancakes."

911
00:43:29,857 --> 00:43:30,983
"But you love pancakes."

912
00:43:31,066 --> 00:43:32,109
"Oh…"

913
00:43:32,192 --> 00:43:34,236
[crowd laughing hysterically]

914
00:43:34,320 --> 00:43:35,362
"Oh…"

915
00:43:35,446 --> 00:43:37,823
"That's right. I do love pancakes."

916
00:43:37,906 --> 00:43:39,742
-[crowd laughing]
-[chuckles]

917
00:43:39,825 --> 00:43:43,203
Take me out back.
Shoot me in the fucking head.

918
00:43:43,287 --> 00:43:45,748
[crowd laughing, clapping]

919
00:43:45,831 --> 00:43:47,458
I ain't gonna be "oh-ing" people to death.

920
00:43:47,541 --> 00:43:49,335
[mimicking old man] Oh… Oh…

921
00:43:49,418 --> 00:43:50,419
[laughs]

922
00:43:51,420 --> 00:43:53,422
Somebody go lay that nigga down.

923
00:43:53,505 --> 00:43:54,715
[crowd laughing]

924
00:43:55,591 --> 00:43:58,761
I don't wanna get to that…
to that space where I need that pill box.

925
00:43:58,844 --> 00:44:00,387
I don't want that either.

926
00:44:00,471 --> 00:44:03,057
That long-ass pill box
with the days of the week on it.

927
00:44:03,140 --> 00:44:04,725
I'd rather fucking die.

928
00:44:05,351 --> 00:44:09,438
I'd rather die than pull that
out my pocket at fucking dinner.

929
00:44:10,022 --> 00:44:12,066
[mimicking old man] "Oh boy. Oh…"

930
00:44:12,149 --> 00:44:13,442
[crowd laughing]

931
00:44:13,525 --> 00:44:15,527
"Anybody know what day it is?"

932
00:44:17,321 --> 00:44:21,492
"Thursday? Oh no.
I thought it was Tuesday. Oh!"

933
00:44:22,576 --> 00:44:23,702
Shoot me.

934
00:44:23,786 --> 00:44:25,913
[laughing]

935
00:44:25,996 --> 00:44:27,998
I don't wanna fucking be here.

936
00:44:30,376 --> 00:44:33,170
If I can't blow out my birthday candles
on my birthday cake,

937
00:44:33,253 --> 00:44:35,047
I don't wanna fucking be here.

938
00:44:36,131 --> 00:44:38,676
That's the worst shit
that you could do to an old person.

939
00:44:38,759 --> 00:44:41,512
Old people turn 83, 85 years old.

940
00:44:41,595 --> 00:44:44,932
You get these big-ass birthday cakes
with all these fucking candles on it.

941
00:44:45,015 --> 00:44:47,142
You got 85 candles on a birthday cake.

942
00:44:47,226 --> 00:44:50,312
You come out. "Happy birthday, Grandma.
Blow out the candles."

943
00:44:51,814 --> 00:44:53,857
[crowd laughing]

944
00:44:55,359 --> 00:44:57,236
[scattered laughter, applause]

945
00:44:58,320 --> 00:45:00,864
"You can do it, Grandma."
[yells] No, she can't!

946
00:45:00,948 --> 00:45:02,616
[crowd laughing]

947
00:45:03,409 --> 00:45:07,496
Been here 45 minutes waiting on this bitch
to blow these fucking candles out!

948
00:45:08,622 --> 00:45:10,040
Gotta go to work!

949
00:45:12,710 --> 00:45:14,420
"You can do it, Grandma."

950
00:45:15,129 --> 00:45:16,547
[chuckles]

951
00:45:16,630 --> 00:45:18,006
I don't wanna fucking be here.

952
00:45:21,093 --> 00:45:24,680
I wanna get to that age where I can say
whatever the fuck is on my mind.

953
00:45:25,222 --> 00:45:26,932
That's the old that I wanna be.

954
00:45:27,015 --> 00:45:30,811
There's a certain level of old where you
just start saying shit. You don't care.

955
00:45:31,311 --> 00:45:34,398
You're on the other side of life.
Some old people have done it right.

956
00:45:34,481 --> 00:45:37,276
You know who did it right?
The legend Quincy Jones.

957
00:45:37,359 --> 00:45:40,070
-Rest in peace to the legend himself.
-[crowd cheering, clapping]

958
00:45:40,154 --> 00:45:41,864
Quincy fucking Jones.

959
00:45:43,699 --> 00:45:44,616
Oh my God.

960
00:45:45,909 --> 00:45:48,579
Man, Quincy got old,
just started saying shit.

961
00:45:48,662 --> 00:45:49,913
[crowd laughing]

962
00:45:49,997 --> 00:45:53,667
You want some comedy? Watch Quincy Jones's
last four or five interviews.

963
00:45:54,376 --> 00:45:55,627
He just starts saying shit.

964
00:45:55,711 --> 00:45:59,047
Shit that had nothing to do
with the goddamn questions being asked.

965
00:45:59,590 --> 00:46:02,426
Quincy was on his own time.
He was doing his own shit.

966
00:46:03,010 --> 00:46:06,180
I watched an interview. They said,
"Quincy, tell us what music means to you."

967
00:46:06,263 --> 00:46:09,558
He said, "I fucked all the Supremes."
"Hold on. Wait, what?"

968
00:46:09,641 --> 00:46:10,934
[crowd laughing]

969
00:46:11,018 --> 00:46:13,187
"Jesus Christ, Quincy. What?"

970
00:46:13,771 --> 00:46:15,773
-"I don't give a fuck."
-[crowd laughing]

971
00:46:16,732 --> 00:46:19,860
"Do you know what 'Supremes' stand for?
Supreme pussy. I don't give a fuck."

972
00:46:19,943 --> 00:46:21,820
[crowd laughing]

973
00:46:21,904 --> 00:46:24,990
"I've been doing cocaine for 60 years."
"Oh shit!"

974
00:46:27,618 --> 00:46:28,452
"Quincy…"

975
00:46:28,952 --> 00:46:30,954
"Quincy, stop. Stop talking."

976
00:46:32,039 --> 00:46:35,125
"Think I give a fuck?
I've got shit that people need to know."

977
00:46:35,918 --> 00:46:37,836
"I know stuff." [chuckles softly]

978
00:46:39,421 --> 00:46:41,507
"Here's a big one.
Stevie Wonder is not blind."

979
00:46:41,590 --> 00:46:43,842
-"He been faking it."
-[crowd laughing]

980
00:46:44,968 --> 00:46:47,179
"He been faking it this whole time."

981
00:46:47,262 --> 00:46:50,682
"Stevie asked me years ago,
'How can I compete with Ray Charles?'"

982
00:46:50,766 --> 00:46:52,643
"I said, 'Be better at being blind.'"

983
00:46:52,726 --> 00:46:54,978
"You know what Stevie did?
That's what he did."

984
00:46:55,062 --> 00:46:56,730
[crowd laughing]

985
00:46:58,190 --> 00:46:59,900
[chuckles]

986
00:47:04,488 --> 00:47:07,032
"He can see them keys.
He can see them keys."

987
00:47:07,115 --> 00:47:08,867
[crowd laughing]

988
00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:14,331
"He been faking." [chuckling]

989
00:47:15,415 --> 00:47:18,293
"Joe, that's enough.
No more, Joe. No more."

990
00:47:18,377 --> 00:47:20,420
[crowd laughing]

991
00:47:21,922 --> 00:47:25,092
"I'm the one who told Joe Jackson
to whoop them kids." "Wait. Whoa!"

992
00:47:25,175 --> 00:47:26,260
[crowd laughing]

993
00:47:31,306 --> 00:47:34,685
"He didn't miss a day.
He didn't miss a day." [laughs]

994
00:47:36,103 --> 00:47:39,898
[in high-pitched voice] He…
"I've got one more, one more."

995
00:47:41,942 --> 00:47:43,652
"I've got one more." [laughing]

996
00:47:43,735 --> 00:47:46,071
[crowd laughing, clapping]

997
00:47:47,155 --> 00:47:48,657
"I'm…" [sniffles]

998
00:47:48,740 --> 00:47:51,535
"I'm the one who bleached Michael's skin.
I did it."

999
00:47:52,703 --> 00:47:53,537
I did it.

1000
00:47:54,037 --> 00:47:56,665
-[crowd continues laughing]
-[sighs, sniffles]

1001
00:47:56,748 --> 00:47:59,710
He said he wanted to go solo. I said,
"You ain't gonna make it like that."

1002
00:47:59,793 --> 00:48:01,795
-"Bleach. I did it!"
-[crowd laughing]

1003
00:48:05,048 --> 00:48:07,134
[giggles, inhales]

1004
00:48:07,217 --> 00:48:08,802
[continues giggling]

1005
00:48:09,553 --> 00:48:10,971
[sniffles]

1006
00:48:11,054 --> 00:48:13,098
[scattered laughter]

1007
00:48:13,849 --> 00:48:16,602
That's a…
That's a different level of old age.

1008
00:48:16,685 --> 00:48:17,728
I wanna get there.

1009
00:48:19,646 --> 00:48:21,773
Where you just start saying
what the fuck you want.

1010
00:48:21,857 --> 00:48:24,318
-I'm getting close.
-[crowd laughing]

1011
00:48:24,401 --> 00:48:25,485
You know, this was a…

1012
00:48:25,569 --> 00:48:27,988
This was a joke I didn't know
if I was gonna keep it or not.

1013
00:48:28,071 --> 00:48:30,949
But I'll tell you.
I'll… I'll… I'll fucking put it in. So…

1014
00:48:31,033 --> 00:48:33,911
Remember the dinner
that I told you guys about, uh,

1015
00:48:33,994 --> 00:48:36,371
that I had with my family
for my nephew, right?

1016
00:48:36,455 --> 00:48:40,000
So at that dinner, we got done eating.
The waiter comes out.

1017
00:48:40,083 --> 00:48:42,753
True story. Waiter comes out. He goes,
"Hey, you guys want dessert?"

1018
00:48:42,836 --> 00:48:45,005
My family goes ham.
"Hell yeah, we want dessert."

1019
00:48:45,088 --> 00:48:47,883
"Give me the sweet potato pie.
I want the lemon meringue pie."

1020
00:48:47,966 --> 00:48:50,719
"The triple layer chocolate cake.
Ooh, give me the red velvet cupcake."

1021
00:48:50,802 --> 00:48:53,221
"Oh, fuck that.
Give me that apple pie. I'mma taste that."

1022
00:48:53,305 --> 00:48:55,974
"I'll taste a bit of yours.
Get me the root beer float, extra float."

1023
00:48:56,058 --> 00:48:57,976
He said,
"Mr. Hart, do you want something?"

1024
00:48:58,060 --> 00:49:00,020
I said, "No I'm good. I don't eat sweets."

1025
00:49:00,103 --> 00:49:02,856
My uncle got mad.
He said, "Look at little Hollywood."

1026
00:49:02,940 --> 00:49:04,775
[crowd laughing]

1027
00:49:06,818 --> 00:49:09,279
[in singsong] "Look at little Hollywood."

1028
00:49:10,656 --> 00:49:12,783
"Are you too good
to eat some goddamn sweets

1029
00:49:12,866 --> 00:49:14,368
with your fucking family?"

1030
00:49:15,077 --> 00:49:17,120
"Because you're Mr. Perfect.
Give me one reason

1031
00:49:17,204 --> 00:49:19,998
why you can't eat no goddamn sweets
with your fucking family."

1032
00:49:20,082 --> 00:49:23,210
"Why can't you enjoy dessert
with your fucking family?"

1033
00:49:23,794 --> 00:49:25,295
I said, "I don't know.

1034
00:49:25,379 --> 00:49:27,881
Maybe because there's only
a bunch of left feet under the table."

1035
00:49:27,965 --> 00:49:30,592
-"How about I start there? Huh?"
-[crowd laughing]

1036
00:49:30,676 --> 00:49:32,594
Think about it. Think about it.

1037
00:49:32,678 --> 00:49:33,929
[Kevin chuckles]

1038
00:49:34,012 --> 00:49:36,807
You get it? It's a diabetes joke.

1039
00:49:36,890 --> 00:49:38,600
It's a… It's a diabetes joke.

1040
00:49:39,142 --> 00:49:42,270
So, in Black families,
when they get diabetes,

1041
00:49:42,354 --> 00:49:44,439
the first thing they lose is their foot.

1042
00:49:44,523 --> 00:49:48,318
So I'm saying if you look under the table,
it's only a bunch of left feet

1043
00:49:48,402 --> 00:49:51,196
'cause everybody's got
their right foot cut off. You get it?

1044
00:49:51,279 --> 00:49:52,489
-Yeah?
-[crowd laughing]

1045
00:49:54,533 --> 00:49:56,451
See, the beauty of the joke
isn't the joke.

1046
00:49:56,535 --> 00:49:58,537
The joke is actually
finding a white person

1047
00:49:58,620 --> 00:50:01,540
-that's confused after I say it.
-[crowd laughing]

1048
00:50:03,792 --> 00:50:07,212
"The fuck are they cutting off
this goddamn family's feet for?"

1049
00:50:07,295 --> 00:50:08,755
[chuckles]

1050
00:50:08,839 --> 00:50:11,633
She was so confused. "Wait, what? What?"

1051
00:50:11,717 --> 00:50:13,010
[crowd laughing]

1052
00:50:15,512 --> 00:50:17,431
I don't know if I can keep it, though.

1053
00:50:18,432 --> 00:50:19,808
I don't know if I can keep the joke

1054
00:50:19,891 --> 00:50:22,602
because my uncle…
my uncle really does have one foot.

1055
00:50:22,686 --> 00:50:23,562
[crowd laughs]

1056
00:50:23,645 --> 00:50:26,398
He does. And I know
I'mma have to see him again,

1057
00:50:26,481 --> 00:50:27,941
he's gonna have an attitude.

1058
00:50:29,609 --> 00:50:32,112
"Oh, you're a real funny nigga,
ain't you, Kevin?"

1059
00:50:32,195 --> 00:50:34,364
[crowd laughing]

1060
00:50:34,448 --> 00:50:37,200
"You're a real funny nigga,
ain't you, Kevin?"

1061
00:50:38,827 --> 00:50:40,787
"Give me one reason
why I shouldn't come over there

1062
00:50:40,871 --> 00:50:43,165
and put my goddamn foot
in your ass right now!"

1063
00:50:43,248 --> 00:50:45,042
[crowd laughing]

1064
00:50:49,838 --> 00:50:51,006
[chuckles]

1065
00:50:54,092 --> 00:50:56,344
He just got his leg cut off.
It just happened.

1066
00:50:57,095 --> 00:50:59,806
I can tell
that he hasn't fully processed it yet

1067
00:51:00,432 --> 00:51:03,143
'cause he still says a lot
of two-legged shit. He does.

1068
00:51:03,226 --> 00:51:04,186
[crowd laughing]

1069
00:51:04,269 --> 00:51:05,479
He'd be slipping up.

1070
00:51:05,979 --> 00:51:09,733
The comedian in me can't let it slide.
I can't fucking let it slide.

1071
00:51:10,442 --> 00:51:13,528
We were leaving the house the other day,
we got in the car, pulled the car doors.

1072
00:51:13,612 --> 00:51:15,697
He was like, "Fuck, it's cold out here.
Open the door."

1073
00:51:15,781 --> 00:51:16,948
"I'mma run and get my coat."

1074
00:51:17,032 --> 00:51:18,825
I said… [squeals]

1075
00:51:18,909 --> 00:51:20,327
[crowd laughing]

1076
00:51:20,410 --> 00:51:22,454
[squealing]

1077
00:51:23,789 --> 00:51:26,750
"You can hop in there
and get your fucking coat."

1078
00:51:27,250 --> 00:51:29,086
"You ain't running nowhere."

1079
00:51:29,169 --> 00:51:31,171
-[crowd laughing]
-[guffaws]

1080
00:51:34,633 --> 00:51:38,136
It's a great opportunity
to make sure that you guys all understand

1081
00:51:38,220 --> 00:51:40,514
that I threw a lot of connectivity
through the set.

1082
00:51:40,597 --> 00:51:43,725
I decided to title this set Acting My Age

1083
00:51:43,809 --> 00:51:47,729
'cause I wanted to draw attention back
to the fucking important side of old age.

1084
00:51:47,813 --> 00:51:50,565
I feel like we're in a time now
where everybody's trying to get younger.

1085
00:51:50,649 --> 00:51:52,609
Everybody's trying to turn back
the hands of time.

1086
00:51:52,692 --> 00:51:54,611
-Nobody's celebrating the other side.
-[man] Yeah!

1087
00:51:54,694 --> 00:51:56,113
Old age, let me tell you what it is.

1088
00:51:56,196 --> 00:51:59,741
It's the definition of life lived,
experience, and wisdom.

1089
00:51:59,825 --> 00:52:02,452
Without those things,
you don't have the W in life.

1090
00:52:02,536 --> 00:52:05,872
-That's the W in life.
-[crowd cheering, clapping]

1091
00:52:07,249 --> 00:52:11,044
Also understand old age
is a fucking blessing.

1092
00:52:11,128 --> 00:52:15,966
It's a… It's an unbelievable blessing
'cause you don't have to get there.

1093
00:52:16,049 --> 00:52:17,592
You don't have to get there.

1094
00:52:17,676 --> 00:52:21,179
So when you get to 50, 60, 70, 80,

1095
00:52:21,263 --> 00:52:22,931
understand, guys,
that shit ain't promised.

1096
00:52:23,014 --> 00:52:25,433
You're one of the few,
the fortunate, and the in-between.

1097
00:52:25,517 --> 00:52:28,645
So stand on a pedestal
and celebrate your fucking life correctly

1098
00:52:28,728 --> 00:52:30,897
when you reach
those monumental numbers, okay?

1099
00:52:30,981 --> 00:52:33,066
[crowd clapping, cheering]

1100
00:52:35,402 --> 00:52:37,863
And don't be afraid to stay in your lane.

1101
00:52:38,363 --> 00:52:42,701
When you get old as fuck,
stay in your old-ass lane. Don't swerve.

1102
00:52:42,784 --> 00:52:45,203
-[crowd laughing]
-Stop swerving.

1103
00:52:45,996 --> 00:52:48,707
That's how you get hurt.
That's how I broke my dick. Swerving.

1104
00:52:48,790 --> 00:52:50,417
-Swerving.
-[crowd laughing]

1105
00:52:51,001 --> 00:52:53,795
I had no business racing that man.
No business.

1106
00:52:54,629 --> 00:52:57,632
Messed up my whole summer
with that fucking race.

1107
00:52:57,716 --> 00:52:59,342
Threw my whole summer in the trash.

1108
00:52:59,426 --> 00:53:02,345
Me and my family were
supposed to take vacations all summer.

1109
00:53:02,429 --> 00:53:04,723
We only took one vacation
because I injured myself.

1110
00:53:04,806 --> 00:53:06,266
We went to Rwanda.

1111
00:53:06,766 --> 00:53:10,228
Wanted to take the family to Rwanda
because I wanted a new experience.

1112
00:53:10,312 --> 00:53:12,272
Something that we could all hold on to.

1113
00:53:12,355 --> 00:53:15,108
Something that could give us
a little goddamn culture. Right?

1114
00:53:15,192 --> 00:53:17,319
An understanding of another environment.

1115
00:53:17,402 --> 00:53:20,780
When we go on vacation, the word "no"
never exists. We embrace it all.

1116
00:53:20,864 --> 00:53:23,241
As soon as we get to Rwanda,
the first thing that's suggested,

1117
00:53:23,325 --> 00:53:25,827
they said, "You guys
have to go gorilla trekking."

1118
00:53:25,911 --> 00:53:28,955
-"You have to go gorilla trekking."
-[crowd murmuring]

1119
00:53:29,039 --> 00:53:32,000
For those of you here tonight
who do not what gorilla trekking is,

1120
00:53:32,083 --> 00:53:33,710
I'll do my best to explain it to you.

1121
00:53:33,793 --> 00:53:37,255
Gorilla trekking is
when you basically go to the jungle

1122
00:53:37,339 --> 00:53:40,550
and you discover
what seems to be gorilla footprints,

1123
00:53:40,634 --> 00:53:44,387
only to follow those footprints
to land you in a natural habitat

1124
00:53:44,471 --> 00:53:45,805
of real gorillas.

1125
00:53:46,306 --> 00:53:49,267
When they said it, I said,
"Fuck it. I don't care. I'll do it."

1126
00:53:49,768 --> 00:53:53,480
The reason why is because, in my mind,
I was like, "There has to be glass."

1127
00:53:53,563 --> 00:53:55,148
-Right?
-[crowd laughing]

1128
00:53:56,608 --> 00:53:58,401
There has to be glass.

1129
00:53:58,485 --> 00:54:01,196
I've never been around gorillas
and there hasn't been glass.

1130
00:54:01,279 --> 00:54:02,364
There has to be glass.

1131
00:54:02,447 --> 00:54:03,615
[crowd continues laughing]

1132
00:54:03,698 --> 00:54:06,159
They said,
"Kevin, your younger kids can't go."

1133
00:54:06,243 --> 00:54:08,620
So it was me, my wife,
and my two teenagers.

1134
00:54:08,703 --> 00:54:10,205
We're now with two other groups.

1135
00:54:10,288 --> 00:54:12,165
There's one white family of four,

1136
00:54:12,249 --> 00:54:14,417
and there's another
white group of friends of four.

1137
00:54:14,501 --> 00:54:15,919
It's a total of 12 of us.

1138
00:54:16,419 --> 00:54:18,588
To get to the jungle,
you gotta hike through the park.

1139
00:54:18,672 --> 00:54:22,259
The park turns into the jungle.
This is a true story.

1140
00:54:22,342 --> 00:54:25,136
When we arrived at the jungle,
soldiers joined us.

1141
00:54:25,220 --> 00:54:28,390
They got AK-47s, machine guns.
They're wearing tactical gear.

1142
00:54:28,473 --> 00:54:31,184
They had the motherfucking handguns
strapped to their legs.

1143
00:54:31,268 --> 00:54:33,895
Naturally, when I see this,
I have questions.

1144
00:54:33,979 --> 00:54:36,523
-"Excuse me."
-[crowd laughing]

1145
00:54:36,606 --> 00:54:39,693
"Excuse me. What's going on?
Why are they here?"

1146
00:54:39,776 --> 00:54:41,027
"What's about to happen?"

1147
00:54:41,111 --> 00:54:44,072
He said, "Oh, they're here
just in case the gorillas get out of line,

1148
00:54:44,155 --> 00:54:45,407
and we gotta put 'em down."

1149
00:54:46,408 --> 00:54:49,202
[crowd exclaiming, laughing]

1150
00:54:50,495 --> 00:54:52,372
"When you say--
Like, what do they do? Do they…"

1151
00:54:52,455 --> 00:54:55,458
"Do they smack the glass?
What do they do? Do they--"

1152
00:54:55,542 --> 00:54:56,918
"Can they break the glass?"

1153
00:54:57,002 --> 00:54:58,336
[crowd laughing]

1154
00:54:58,420 --> 00:55:01,923
Nobody answers me, so I assume
the things I'm saying are correct.

1155
00:55:02,007 --> 00:55:05,885
We're now joined by a tour guide.
Tour guide's name was Antoine.

1156
00:55:05,969 --> 00:55:09,431
Antoine is a man
that has dedicated his life

1157
00:55:09,514 --> 00:55:11,057
to understanding gorillas.

1158
00:55:11,141 --> 00:55:13,768
He knows gorillas inside and out,
top to bottom.

1159
00:55:13,852 --> 00:55:18,189
Antoine is a Black man that I do not want
white people to find out about.

1160
00:55:19,441 --> 00:55:20,900
Antoine was the closest thing

1161
00:55:20,984 --> 00:55:23,069
to a human gorilla
I've ever seen in my fucking life.

1162
00:55:23,153 --> 00:55:27,115
Now, when I say it, it sounds
crazy at first, but I'll explain why.

1163
00:55:27,615 --> 00:55:28,783
Antoine was responsible

1164
00:55:28,867 --> 00:55:32,412
for telling us what we need to do
when we encounter the actual gorilla.

1165
00:55:32,495 --> 00:55:35,790
This is Antoine's exact words.
This is exactly what he said to us.

1166
00:55:36,333 --> 00:55:38,001
He goes, "Okay, listen up."

1167
00:55:38,585 --> 00:55:39,919
"Rule number one…"

1168
00:55:40,003 --> 00:55:43,590
"Rule number one.
You must not look the gorilla in the eye."

1169
00:55:44,090 --> 00:55:47,093
"If the gorilla looks at you,
you look down. You submit."

1170
00:55:47,594 --> 00:55:50,013
"You submit to the gorilla
because you have no power."

1171
00:55:50,096 --> 00:55:52,515
"The gorilla has the power.
You have no power."

1172
00:55:52,599 --> 00:55:55,852
"You are powerless
compared to the gorilla. You look down."

1173
00:55:55,935 --> 00:55:59,314
"Show the gorilla that he has the power
and that you have no power."

1174
00:55:59,397 --> 00:56:01,358
-[crowd laughing]
-"You are powerless."

1175
00:56:01,441 --> 00:56:03,443
[crowd continues laughing]

1176
00:56:03,526 --> 00:56:04,694
"Rule number two."

1177
00:56:05,278 --> 00:56:07,614
"You must become one with the gorilla."

1178
00:56:08,281 --> 00:56:10,992
"You must do what the gorilla does."

1179
00:56:11,493 --> 00:56:14,913
He starts morphing
into a fucking gorilla in real time.

1180
00:56:14,996 --> 00:56:16,247
[crowd laughing]

1181
00:56:16,331 --> 00:56:19,542
[imitating gorilla]

1182
00:56:24,005 --> 00:56:26,091
I can't believe
what the fuck I'm witnessing right now.

1183
00:56:27,467 --> 00:56:30,053
I'm getting irritated 'cause
this Black man is acting like a gorilla

1184
00:56:30,136 --> 00:56:32,555
in front of these fucking white people.
I'm getting pissed.

1185
00:56:33,932 --> 00:56:37,185
And the white people were taking notes.
They were writing shit down.

1186
00:56:37,769 --> 00:56:39,979
I got mad. I said, "Bitch,
what the fuck you writing down?"

1187
00:56:40,063 --> 00:56:42,023
She shushed me. "Shh. Pay attention."

1188
00:56:42,107 --> 00:56:44,943
"Bitch, I'll knock your ass out.
Don't tell me to pay attention."

1189
00:56:45,026 --> 00:56:48,530
"What the fuck are you writing down
in that book?" Antoine keeps going…

1190
00:56:48,613 --> 00:56:51,032
[imitating gorilla]

1191
00:56:51,116 --> 00:56:53,034
He's jumping up and down,
smacking the ground.

1192
00:56:53,118 --> 00:56:54,411
Pow! Pow!

1193
00:56:54,494 --> 00:56:57,831
When he gets done, he looks at my son.
He goes, "Now you try."

1194
00:56:57,914 --> 00:56:59,833
[crowd laughing]

1195
00:56:59,916 --> 00:57:03,294
I said… I said,
"He will do no such fucking thing!"

1196
00:57:03,378 --> 00:57:05,588
[crowd laughing, clapping]

1197
00:57:05,672 --> 00:57:08,550
"I'm not about to have
my son acting like no goddamn gorilla

1198
00:57:08,633 --> 00:57:11,136
in front of these white people,
so you can fuck up his life

1199
00:57:11,219 --> 00:57:12,679
like they did them Jordan boys."

1200
00:57:12,762 --> 00:57:14,681
"You're not gonna do that
to my goddamn son."

1201
00:57:16,599 --> 00:57:18,643
"You're not gonna do that
to my goddamn son!"

1202
00:57:20,728 --> 00:57:22,439
He said, "Suit yourself."

1203
00:57:22,522 --> 00:57:23,940
"Suit yourself."

1204
00:57:24,023 --> 00:57:27,819
He runs to a tree,
bites the bark off the tree.

1205
00:57:27,902 --> 00:57:29,028
[growling]

1206
00:57:29,696 --> 00:57:32,740
He starts licking
the sugar underneath. [growling]

1207
00:57:32,824 --> 00:57:35,994
He says, "The gorillas love sugar.
You, too, must love sugar."

1208
00:57:36,661 --> 00:57:38,997
He grabs a scoop of eucalyptus
out of the bushes.

1209
00:57:39,080 --> 00:57:41,249
He starts rubbing
eucalyptus all over his body.

1210
00:57:41,332 --> 00:57:43,334
He says, "The gorillas love
the smell of eucalyptus."

1211
00:57:43,418 --> 00:57:46,087
"You, too, must smell like eucalyptus."

1212
00:57:46,171 --> 00:57:47,755
"Now, we trek."

1213
00:57:47,839 --> 00:57:50,550
He takes off, runs in the fucking jungle.

1214
00:57:50,633 --> 00:57:52,635
[crowd laughing]

1215
00:57:54,512 --> 00:57:55,513
Fuck!

1216
00:57:57,640 --> 00:58:00,602
Because we've gotta follow him.
We gotta fucking follow him.

1217
00:58:01,686 --> 00:58:05,899
We're trekking in the jungle.
Hand on the Bible. This is a true story.

1218
00:58:07,150 --> 00:58:10,361
Fifteen, twenty minutes into the trek,
he stops. He goes, "Stop."

1219
00:58:10,862 --> 00:58:12,030
His exact words…

1220
00:58:12,614 --> 00:58:15,825
-[in deep voice] "They're here."
-[crowd laughing loudly]

1221
00:58:18,244 --> 00:58:20,288
[laughing continues]

1222
00:58:24,918 --> 00:58:27,086
I said… [gasping]

1223
00:58:27,170 --> 00:58:30,006
"Where's the glass?
Where do I get behind the glass?"

1224
00:58:32,258 --> 00:58:33,635
"Where's the glass?"

1225
00:58:35,428 --> 00:58:37,847
People, I turned to my goddamn left.

1226
00:58:37,931 --> 00:58:41,851
About seven to nine female gorillas
come out the goddamn bushes.

1227
00:58:41,935 --> 00:58:44,062
They're on two legs.
These motherfuckers are walking.

1228
00:58:44,145 --> 00:58:45,730
[chuckling] They are walking out.

1229
00:58:45,813 --> 00:58:49,025
I ain't never seen no shit like it.
Immediately, I submitted.

1230
00:58:49,108 --> 00:58:50,026
I put my hand up.

1231
00:58:50,109 --> 00:58:51,528
I hit the ground. I submit.

1232
00:58:52,529 --> 00:58:53,780
I submit.

1233
00:58:54,614 --> 00:58:57,825
Antoine tried to pick me up.
He said, "Kevin, get up, get up, get up."

1234
00:58:57,909 --> 00:59:01,746
I said, "No. Get the fuck off me.
I have no power. They have the power."

1235
00:59:01,829 --> 00:59:03,122
"I have no power."

1236
00:59:03,623 --> 00:59:06,459
-"I am powerless. They have the power."
-[crowd laughing]

1237
00:59:07,961 --> 00:59:12,257
I look this way, my wife, dumbass,
has got the phone out with the flash on.

1238
00:59:12,340 --> 00:59:15,677
She's trying to get video.
She's trying to get footage.

1239
00:59:15,760 --> 00:59:18,012
I hit her. "Bitch, get down."

1240
00:59:18,096 --> 00:59:19,764
"Get down. Submit."

1241
00:59:19,847 --> 00:59:23,226
"We have no power.
They have the power. We are powerless."

1242
00:59:24,352 --> 00:59:27,730
Now it's like 15 of them.
It's like fucking 15.

1243
00:59:27,814 --> 00:59:31,359
A whole goddamn family.
A bunch of nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles.

1244
00:59:31,442 --> 00:59:34,445
These motherfuckers are walking around,
and we're in the middle of this.

1245
00:59:34,529 --> 00:59:36,155
It's all happening so fast.

1246
00:59:36,239 --> 00:59:38,074
One of the gorillas touched my forehead.

1247
00:59:38,157 --> 00:59:40,827
He didn't hit me,
but he pulled my forehead back,

1248
00:59:40,910 --> 00:59:44,080
and made my eyes open up wider
than they ever have in my life. Like…

1249
00:59:44,163 --> 00:59:46,457
I had so much fucking white in my eyes.

1250
00:59:47,166 --> 00:59:49,419
And when I…
When I did it, I could see the soldier.

1251
00:59:49,502 --> 00:59:50,545
The soldier is right here.

1252
00:59:50,628 --> 00:59:54,299
I said, "Shoot it! Like,
what the fuck are you doing, man?"

1253
00:59:55,883 --> 00:59:57,427
"Shoot it!"

1254
00:59:58,303 --> 01:00:00,888
"This is clearly a fucking attack.
It's an attack!"

1255
01:00:00,972 --> 01:00:02,473
[crowd laughing]

1256
01:00:02,557 --> 01:00:04,350
He's trying to fucking rip
my forehead off.

1257
01:00:04,434 --> 01:00:05,643
I don't know what he's doing.

1258
01:00:08,313 --> 01:00:09,522
All the gorillas keep playing.

1259
01:00:09,606 --> 01:00:11,524
They're roughhousing the shit.
We're watching it.

1260
01:00:11,608 --> 01:00:13,735
For no reason,
they all get up at the same time.

1261
01:00:13,818 --> 01:00:17,113
They run in the jungle.
Antoine stands up. He's so excited.

1262
01:00:17,196 --> 01:00:20,658
He goes,
"Isn't it beautiful? Isn't it beautiful?"

1263
01:00:20,742 --> 01:00:23,286
"The life of the gorilla,
live, in person."

1264
01:00:23,369 --> 01:00:27,081
"Now, we track the gorilla
so we can see the way the gorilla lives."

1265
01:00:27,165 --> 01:00:28,583
"We follow the gorilla."

1266
01:00:30,168 --> 01:00:31,836
I said, "Fuck you, man. No."

1267
01:00:31,919 --> 01:00:33,004
[crowd laughing]

1268
01:00:33,087 --> 01:00:36,549
"I'm not following no fucking gorillas.
No! I'm going back."

1269
01:00:36,633 --> 01:00:39,594
"Me and my family are going back,
and I wanna take a soldier with me

1270
01:00:39,677 --> 01:00:42,513
that's not afraid to do his job,
unlike this bitch."

1271
01:00:42,597 --> 01:00:45,058
"You're a bitch. Yes, you are."

1272
01:00:45,141 --> 01:00:47,518
"You're a bitch.
He tried to rip my fucking forehead off!"

1273
01:00:47,602 --> 01:00:49,937
[crowd laughing]

1274
01:00:50,021 --> 01:00:52,273
He says, "Kevin, no.
You must finish the trek."

1275
01:00:52,357 --> 01:00:53,775
"You must finish the trek."

1276
01:00:53,858 --> 01:00:55,568
I said, "No, I'm going back."

1277
01:00:55,652 --> 01:00:59,697
He goes, "Oh no. The boss." I said,
"Good. I wanna talk to your fucking boss."

1278
01:00:59,781 --> 01:01:02,784
"I don't like the way you've treated us
since we've been here."

1279
01:01:02,867 --> 01:01:05,203
Hand on the Bible, people.
I turned to my left.

1280
01:01:05,286 --> 01:01:09,332
A real-life silverback gorilla appears
from the same goddamn bushes.

1281
01:01:09,415 --> 01:01:12,251
Oh my God.
When I say a real-life silverback gorilla,

1282
01:01:12,335 --> 01:01:14,879
I'm talking about a real nigga.
All chest, no legs.

1283
01:01:14,962 --> 01:01:18,174
-All chest, no legs.
-[crowd laughing]

1284
01:01:18,675 --> 01:01:21,844
This gorilla ain't ever did legs.
All chest.

1285
01:01:23,137 --> 01:01:26,516
If a gorilla went to the penitentiary,
he would look like this.

1286
01:01:26,599 --> 01:01:29,102
I ain't never seen no shit like this.

1287
01:01:29,185 --> 01:01:31,604
He came out, touched a tree.
The tree just fell.

1288
01:01:31,688 --> 01:01:33,356
Bow! The tree's on the ground.

1289
01:01:33,940 --> 01:01:35,692
People, I can't believe

1290
01:01:35,775 --> 01:01:38,778
that I'm in arms distance
of a real-life silverback gorilla.

1291
01:01:38,861 --> 01:01:41,280
I'm actually in awe of the fucking moment.

1292
01:01:41,364 --> 01:01:44,450
Everybody else is on the ground.
Everybody else has submitted.

1293
01:01:44,534 --> 01:01:47,286
I'm the only one standing up,
looking at the fucking silverback.

1294
01:01:47,370 --> 01:01:49,706
The only thing
that snapped me out of it was my son.

1295
01:01:49,789 --> 01:01:51,374
My son tapped my leg twice.

1296
01:01:51,457 --> 01:01:53,167
[grunting] I turn around.

1297
01:01:53,251 --> 01:01:54,210
My son said…

1298
01:01:54,293 --> 01:01:57,046
[sobbing] "Bye, Dad."
I said, "What the f…"

1299
01:01:57,130 --> 01:01:59,799
[crowd laughing, clapping]

1300
01:01:59,882 --> 01:02:03,094
"The fuck you mean, 'Bye, Dad'?
What?" Oh my God.

1301
01:02:03,970 --> 01:02:06,556
Oh my God. It dawned on me.

1302
01:02:06,639 --> 01:02:08,391
I'm breaking rule number one.

1303
01:02:08,474 --> 01:02:12,103
Rule number one was,
"Do not look the silverback in the eye."

1304
01:02:12,186 --> 01:02:14,814
I'm looking this silverback
dead in the fucking eye.

1305
01:02:15,898 --> 01:02:17,066
Now I'm scared.

1306
01:02:17,734 --> 01:02:19,736
I'm scared.
I don't know what to fucking do.

1307
01:02:19,819 --> 01:02:22,321
So I turn and talk to Antoine,
so Antoine can tell me what to do.

1308
01:02:22,405 --> 01:02:25,867
When I turn around to talk to Antoine,
Antoine was gone.

1309
01:02:25,950 --> 01:02:27,452
-Antoine…
-[crowd laughing]

1310
01:02:27,535 --> 01:02:31,164
Antoine was running with the best form
I've ever seen in my fucking life.

1311
01:02:31,247 --> 01:02:33,583
He had his fingers
closed up to perfection.

1312
01:02:33,666 --> 01:02:35,668
This motherfucker was hitting that bitch.

1313
01:02:35,752 --> 01:02:37,253
[crowd laughing, clapping]

1314
01:02:37,336 --> 01:02:40,423
He was chopping that wind
like a piece of cake. You hear me?

1315
01:02:40,506 --> 01:02:41,841
[crowd continues laughing]

1316
01:02:41,924 --> 01:02:45,511
At this point, I don't know what to do.
At this point, it is what it is.

1317
01:02:45,595 --> 01:02:47,513
I'm looking at the silverback.
Silverback's looking at me.

1318
01:02:47,597 --> 01:02:50,099
Let me tell you something.
I've never been a bitch.

1319
01:02:50,183 --> 01:02:53,728
I'm not gonna start being a bitch today.
It is what the fuck it is.

1320
01:02:53,811 --> 01:02:57,273
While I'm looking at the silverback,
he decided to bang on me. He said…

1321
01:02:57,356 --> 01:02:58,941
[imitating thumping]

1322
01:02:59,025 --> 01:03:00,318
Let me tell you what this means.

1323
01:03:00,401 --> 01:03:01,944
When a silverback hits their chest,

1324
01:03:02,028 --> 01:03:04,113
that's the way they let you know
how strong they are.

1325
01:03:04,197 --> 01:03:07,158
That's how they gauge
who's stronger before they fight.

1326
01:03:07,241 --> 01:03:09,577
Here's another piece of information.
When silverbacks fight,

1327
01:03:09,660 --> 01:03:12,413
whichever silverback loses the fight,
loses everything.

1328
01:03:12,497 --> 01:03:14,874
You lose your wife and your kids.

1329
01:03:14,957 --> 01:03:18,419
You lose a fight as a silverback,
you gotta walk in the jungle with nothing.

1330
01:03:18,503 --> 01:03:22,089
You gotta figure fucking life out.
You don't have anything. Right?

1331
01:03:22,173 --> 01:03:24,967
That's why he had so many kids
and all of them goddamn wives.

1332
01:03:25,051 --> 01:03:27,678
He done whooped
that many silverbacks ass. He done did it.

1333
01:03:28,262 --> 01:03:30,181
Now this is a question.
It's a question for y'all.

1334
01:03:30,264 --> 01:03:32,600
Don't answer it now.
Answer later on your own time.

1335
01:03:33,184 --> 01:03:36,646
Is that really a loss?
Like, if we fight… Right? Listen.

1336
01:03:36,729 --> 01:03:41,025
If we fight and I lose, you're saying
that you gotta take my wife and my kids,

1337
01:03:41,108 --> 01:03:43,986
and you go that way,
and I get to go this way for free.

1338
01:03:44,070 --> 01:03:46,447
-Is that what you're saying?
-[crowd laughing]

1339
01:03:46,531 --> 01:03:48,449
'Cause it doesn't sound like a loss.

1340
01:03:48,533 --> 01:03:51,828
Okay. So, I'm looking at the silverback.
He's looking at me.

1341
01:03:51,911 --> 01:03:55,039
It is what the fuck it is. I'm like, okay.
I'm not gonna bang on my chest back.

1342
01:03:55,122 --> 01:03:58,000
If I do, he's gonna know I'm a bitch.
I'm not about to do that.

1343
01:03:58,084 --> 01:04:00,586
So I did what any other man would do
if they were in my shoes.

1344
01:04:00,670 --> 01:04:03,506
There's not a man in this room
that wouldn't have done exactly what I did

1345
01:04:03,589 --> 01:04:04,632
if you were in my position.

1346
01:04:04,715 --> 01:04:08,135
I looked that silverback dead in the eye,
and I did everything Antoine said. I said…

1347
01:04:08,219 --> 01:04:10,930
-[imitating gorilla]
-[crowd laughing]

1348
01:04:11,722 --> 01:04:13,474
I jumped up. I smacked the ground.

1349
01:04:13,558 --> 01:04:15,393
I ran to the tree. I bit the bark off.

1350
01:04:15,476 --> 01:04:17,603
I grabbed the eucalyptus,
rubbed it in my ass.

1351
01:04:17,687 --> 01:04:21,107
The only reason why I'm telling you
all of this is because I know for a fact

1352
01:04:21,190 --> 01:04:24,026
them white people taped the whole thing.
They got it all on tape.

1353
01:04:24,694 --> 01:04:27,154
It's a matter of time
before this shit hits the Internet,

1354
01:04:27,238 --> 01:04:29,156
but I wanted y'all
to hear it from me first.

1355
01:04:29,240 --> 01:04:30,408
So you understand that I did

1356
01:04:30,491 --> 01:04:32,201
what the fuck I had to do
to save my family,

1357
01:04:32,285 --> 01:04:34,328
and I learned a valuable lesson that day.

1358
01:04:34,412 --> 01:04:37,415
And that lesson that I learned is
that I should've took the other dick pill.

1359
01:04:37,498 --> 01:04:39,709
I should've went
with the Silverback 45 Pro.

1360
01:04:39,792 --> 01:04:43,170
It's a stronger dick pill.
And, Miami, you guys are a strong crowd.

1361
01:04:43,254 --> 01:04:46,173
-Thank you so much for joining me.
-[crowd cheering]

1362
01:04:46,257 --> 01:04:49,385
My name is Kevin Hart,
and I love you. Good night.

1363
01:04:49,468 --> 01:04:51,971
[theme music playing]

1364
01:05:02,189 --> 01:05:03,065
[inaudible]

1365
01:05:11,073 --> 01:05:12,909
[choir singing]

1366
01:05:15,286 --> 01:05:16,787
[inaudible]

1367
01:05:29,926 --> 01:05:31,928
[inaudible]

1368
01:06:10,174 --> 01:06:12,176
[music crescendos]

1369
01:06:16,555 --> 01:06:18,557
[music fades]