1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.LT 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.LT 3 00:00:11,636 --> 00:00:14,848 Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together 4 00:00:14,931 --> 00:00:17,600 for Kevin Hart's Acting My Age. 5 00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:38,598 Thank you. 6 00:01:47,899 --> 00:01:50,568 Thank you. Thank you. 7 00:01:57,742 --> 00:01:59,035 Wow. 8 00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:06,334 Yes. Yes. 9 00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:20,557 Now, I wanna start off by saying I'm in a really good mood. 10 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:23,143 The reason why is 'cause life is good right now. 11 00:02:23,226 --> 00:02:25,728 Wife is happy. Kids are happy. 12 00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:29,274 My relationship with my extended family is getting better. 13 00:02:29,357 --> 00:02:31,025 Um… 14 00:02:31,109 --> 00:02:33,903 Recently, I've been put in charge of all family gatherings. 15 00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,906 Anything that requires the family to get together in bulk, I make it happen. 16 00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:40,827 Family reunions, functions, dinners… It all goes to me. 17 00:02:40,910 --> 00:02:44,706 I'll be a liar if I told you guys it isn't annoying because it can be. 18 00:02:44,789 --> 00:02:46,457 My nephew just came, and he said, 19 00:02:46,541 --> 00:02:48,459 "Unc, I've got something I wanna tell the family, 20 00:02:48,543 --> 00:02:51,462 but they can only hear it from me. Can you help me get the family together?" 21 00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:52,547 I said, "I got you." 22 00:02:52,630 --> 00:02:55,216 I call the family. We get together and go to a restaurant. 23 00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,177 I got a private room at the restaurant. 24 00:02:57,260 --> 00:02:59,888 When we walk into the private room, my nephew stands up. 25 00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:02,682 He says, "I brought y'all here because I want y'all to know I'm gay." 26 00:03:02,765 --> 00:03:04,934 It was quick. 27 00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:05,935 It was quick. 28 00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:09,189 He didn't even let us sit down and eat. It was fucking quick. 29 00:03:10,940 --> 00:03:14,068 And when he said it, nobody said nothing. Everybody was quiet. 30 00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:16,362 I said, "Fuck, somebody's gotta say something. 31 00:03:16,446 --> 00:03:18,281 Somebody's gotta break the ice." 32 00:03:18,907 --> 00:03:21,993 Because I'm now in charge. I gotta be the one to say something. 33 00:03:22,076 --> 00:03:23,995 I said, "Nephew, listen." 34 00:03:24,078 --> 00:03:27,415 "I think I can speak for the entire family." Right? 35 00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:31,044 Yeah? All of us. 36 00:03:31,127 --> 00:03:34,005 "When I say that we, as a family…" 37 00:03:35,798 --> 00:03:36,841 Um… 38 00:03:37,967 --> 00:03:40,678 "It's safe to s-- Look, listen." 39 00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:44,891 "I think it's safe to say that we, um… 40 00:03:47,018 --> 00:03:48,228 That… that we know." 41 00:03:48,311 --> 00:03:49,604 Like, nobody's shocked. 42 00:03:51,272 --> 00:03:53,608 Nobody's shocked by this information. 43 00:03:54,525 --> 00:03:57,570 When he said it, he had on a halter top. Like a little tube top. 44 00:03:58,738 --> 00:03:59,739 It said… 45 00:03:59,822 --> 00:04:02,533 It said, "My booty hole brown." That's what it said. 46 00:04:03,534 --> 00:04:06,788 Yeah, of course you're fucking gay. Hey. All right? 47 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:10,667 We don't give a shit. We're family. We love you. 48 00:04:10,750 --> 00:04:13,753 My aunt tried to ride that same wave. My aunt stood up. 49 00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:15,630 She said, "Look, since we're being honest, 50 00:04:15,713 --> 00:04:17,924 I want ya'll to know I've been struggling with my weight." 51 00:04:18,007 --> 00:04:20,218 "I feel like I'm suffering from obesity." 52 00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:24,138 Again, it's quiet. Nobody says nothing. It's quiet. 53 00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:27,141 I'm like, "Fuck, I gotta break the ice again." 54 00:04:27,225 --> 00:04:28,810 "I gotta say something again." 55 00:04:29,727 --> 00:04:31,771 I said, "Pat, sit your fat ass down." 56 00:04:31,854 --> 00:04:33,481 I said that. 57 00:04:33,564 --> 00:04:34,816 And I did. I said that. 58 00:04:35,817 --> 00:04:37,568 "Sit your fat ass down, Pat." 59 00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:41,864 "That's not new fat, Pat. That's the same fucking fat." 60 00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:48,121 Pat's been fat since I was 12. That's the same fucking fat, Pat. 61 00:04:49,747 --> 00:04:52,709 Sit your big ass down. Ain't no fucking obesity. 62 00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:57,964 It's tough keeping the family together. 63 00:04:58,047 --> 00:04:59,632 A lot of work. A lot of work. 64 00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:02,677 You gotta have a lot of patience, man. Even in your household. 65 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:05,722 I'm a father of four. Talked about my kids throughout my career. 66 00:05:05,805 --> 00:05:08,391 A lot of pressure on me as a celebrity father. 67 00:05:08,474 --> 00:05:11,602 I gotta be honest. I feel like I put the pressure on myself, though. 68 00:05:11,686 --> 00:05:12,812 I do. You know why? 69 00:05:12,895 --> 00:05:17,150 Because I feel like… I feel like, at least one of my kids has to make it. 70 00:05:17,233 --> 00:05:20,862 Right? I'm not expecting to go four for four. I'm not. 71 00:05:20,945 --> 00:05:21,779 I'm not. 72 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,699 I think any parents in here that have four or more kids… 73 00:05:24,782 --> 00:05:28,536 You know the kids that are gonna make it and the ones that aren't. Like, you know. 74 00:05:29,662 --> 00:05:32,332 You can tell. "Hey, look, this nigga right here, ey…" 75 00:05:32,415 --> 00:05:35,251 "Get the bail money ready for this one." 76 00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:36,586 "Huh, I don't know." 77 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:41,507 I just… You know what it is, man? I don't wanna pitch a dud. 78 00:05:42,008 --> 00:05:45,261 I don't wanna be one of those celebrities that pitch the dud. 79 00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:46,721 Lot of these celebrities have kids. 80 00:05:46,804 --> 00:05:49,182 These kids grow up and don't do shit with these resources 81 00:05:49,265 --> 00:05:51,184 that they have available at their fingertips. 82 00:05:51,267 --> 00:05:52,769 I don't want that to happen to my kids. 83 00:05:52,852 --> 00:05:55,563 I want them to take advantage of the opportunities they have. 84 00:05:55,646 --> 00:05:57,357 I don't wanna pitch a fucking dud. 85 00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,942 I can tell you some celebrities that have pitched a dud. 86 00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:02,362 You don't think about it the way I do. I think about it. 87 00:06:02,445 --> 00:06:04,822 I can tell you. I don't give a shit. I'll be honest. 88 00:06:04,906 --> 00:06:06,824 This is one of the reasons why I took your phones. 89 00:06:06,908 --> 00:06:09,160 So I can be fucking honest. Um… 90 00:06:10,411 --> 00:06:11,788 So I can be honest. 91 00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:14,082 Say how I fucking feel. 92 00:06:14,165 --> 00:06:16,876 If you tell anybody, I'll deny it. I'll fucking deny it. 93 00:06:20,338 --> 00:06:23,591 I'mma tell you who I feel pitched a dud. I'mma tell you. 94 00:06:26,344 --> 00:06:27,261 Michael Jordan. 95 00:06:27,345 --> 00:06:29,514 Michael Jordan… 96 00:06:29,597 --> 00:06:30,807 …pitched a fucking dud. 97 00:06:32,517 --> 00:06:33,643 I don't care what you say. 98 00:06:33,726 --> 00:06:35,853 Michael knows it. I know he fucking knows it. 99 00:06:35,937 --> 00:06:37,897 You don't think Michael Jordan gets an attitude 100 00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:41,484 every time he sees Dell Curry celebrating on the sideline 101 00:06:41,567 --> 00:06:42,985 with Steph Curry and Seth Curry? 102 00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:46,239 You ever seen Dell Curry watch a game? 103 00:06:46,322 --> 00:06:49,534 Dell Curry's like, "Look at my sons in the NBA!" 104 00:06:50,451 --> 00:06:52,829 Michael's just gotta look down on the other end of the couch 105 00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:56,332 at Marcus and Jeffrey. "Look at you two ain't-shit niggas." 106 00:06:57,625 --> 00:07:00,962 "Just sitting here coming up with different-color Jordan combinations 107 00:07:01,045 --> 00:07:04,549 and playing Fortnite every fucking day. Look at you." 108 00:07:07,009 --> 00:07:08,803 This is also a good time to tell you all 109 00:07:08,886 --> 00:07:11,264 like, me and Michael Jordan don't really get along. 110 00:07:11,347 --> 00:07:15,518 So a lot of this stuff is… comes from a weird place, man. 111 00:07:15,601 --> 00:07:18,020 Michael's had an attitude with me for years. 112 00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:21,441 Years Michael's been pissed at me because I hosted a celebrity event 113 00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:23,776 for him years ago, and he came in late. 114 00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:26,070 He walked in late, and I had two in the chamber. 115 00:07:26,154 --> 00:07:28,656 I don't know where they came from, but I hit him with a quick one. 116 00:07:28,739 --> 00:07:31,284 Pap! It was quick, but it was only fun. 117 00:07:31,993 --> 00:07:35,163 Everybody knows Michael Jordan's a horrible dresser. Horrible dresser. 118 00:07:35,705 --> 00:07:37,748 Some of the worst jeans I've ever seen in my life 119 00:07:37,832 --> 00:07:39,709 have been worn by Michael Jordan. 120 00:07:39,792 --> 00:07:42,837 Huge back pockets. Really big back pockets. 121 00:07:43,629 --> 00:07:46,174 You could put a Dell computer in his back pocket. 122 00:07:47,341 --> 00:07:51,179 Goddamn, Mike. Is that a fucking Dell computer in your back pocket? 123 00:07:51,679 --> 00:07:56,642 Goddamn, Mike. Is that a fucking modem in the other? Goddamn! 124 00:07:57,852 --> 00:08:00,104 He came in late. I hit him with one quick. 125 00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:02,190 I said, "Michael dresses like a pregnant lesbian." 126 00:08:02,273 --> 00:08:03,941 I don't know where it came from. 127 00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:07,570 He had his pants up real high, covering his chest. 128 00:08:07,653 --> 00:08:10,615 He has that little fat thing, that little fupa thing sticking out. 129 00:08:11,616 --> 00:08:14,327 I haven't talked to him since. I haven't talked to him since then. 130 00:08:15,661 --> 00:08:17,163 Now, I don't really give a shit. 131 00:08:17,246 --> 00:08:19,665 I don't really care who likes me or who doesn't. 132 00:08:19,749 --> 00:08:22,210 I'm at a point in life where it's very hard to irritate me. 133 00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:25,463 Forty-five years old. The older you get, the less fucks you give. 134 00:08:25,546 --> 00:08:27,423 It's a true statement. 135 00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:30,468 It's a true statement. 136 00:08:30,551 --> 00:08:33,262 The older you get, the less fucks you give. 137 00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:35,681 If it's not about my family or forward progression in life, 138 00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:37,934 it doesn't get any of my time or attention. 139 00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:40,520 Honestly, I'm not the same man I used to be. 140 00:08:40,603 --> 00:08:42,188 Me and my friends, we've all changed. 141 00:08:42,271 --> 00:08:44,690 God, I remember back in the day how we were. 142 00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:47,151 We used to talk about the same shit every day, all day. 143 00:08:47,235 --> 00:08:50,530 Where the bitches? Where the clubs? Where the drinks? 144 00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:53,699 Where the drinks, where the clubs? Where the bitches, where the clubs? 145 00:08:53,783 --> 00:08:54,617 Every day. 146 00:08:56,494 --> 00:08:57,578 Forty-five is different. 147 00:08:57,662 --> 00:08:59,956 All we talk about now is injuries and medicine. 148 00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:02,875 This is real shit. It's real shit. 149 00:09:03,876 --> 00:09:06,629 After 40, you stay hurt. I don't know what it is, man. 150 00:09:07,129 --> 00:09:09,674 You stay hurt, but you just don't know how it happened. 151 00:09:10,466 --> 00:09:12,635 Every conversation you have starts off with a question 152 00:09:12,718 --> 00:09:15,346 about an injury that you don't know how it got there. 153 00:09:15,429 --> 00:09:17,181 "I fucked my goddamn neck up today." 154 00:09:17,265 --> 00:09:19,141 "I don't know what I did to my goddamn neck." 155 00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:23,020 Everybody cares about your injury after 40. Everybody wanna help. 156 00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:24,188 "What you think you did?" 157 00:09:24,272 --> 00:09:26,440 "I don't know what the fuck I did to my neck." 158 00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:28,609 "I think I'm looking at the signs on a highway too long 159 00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:31,445 'cause I'm doing this, but then tracing it back like this." 160 00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:36,075 Everybody wanna tell you what you need. Everybody think they're a doctor. 161 00:09:36,158 --> 00:09:39,537 "You gotta get you some turmeric. Get some turmeric, some fish oil." 162 00:09:39,620 --> 00:09:41,789 "Rub some fish oil on your neck." 163 00:09:41,872 --> 00:09:43,833 "Take a tablespoon of garlic. Bite an onion." 164 00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:45,668 "Put your left foot in a bucket of hot water." 165 00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:48,296 "Stay in there for ten minutes." "You think I'm a vampire?" 166 00:09:48,379 --> 00:09:49,922 "What the fuck are you talking about?" 167 00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:53,843 You stay hurt after 40. 168 00:09:54,635 --> 00:09:56,846 Here's a crazy thing about getting injured after 40. 169 00:09:56,929 --> 00:09:58,723 You never make it back to 100%. 170 00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:01,601 You lose a piece of yourself with every single injury. 171 00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:04,395 You do not make it back to 100%. 172 00:10:04,478 --> 00:10:06,230 Here's proof. Look at this arm. 173 00:10:06,314 --> 00:10:09,525 Mm. All the way up. See that? Right there. All the way. 174 00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:12,320 Not this side. There it is. Right there. 175 00:10:12,403 --> 00:10:13,404 Right there. 176 00:10:14,196 --> 00:10:17,450 Showed the doctor. You know, what he said, "Just use the other side." 177 00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:18,909 I said, "Bitch, fix it!" 178 00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:23,414 "Got me out here uneven. Fucking fix it!" 179 00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:28,044 I'm so envious of this younger generation. 180 00:10:28,127 --> 00:10:30,630 These younger kids get hurt, they bounce right back. 181 00:10:31,130 --> 00:10:33,007 I was playing basketball with these kids. 182 00:10:33,090 --> 00:10:34,592 One of the kids twisted his ankle. 183 00:10:34,675 --> 00:10:37,303 His fucking ankle hit the fucking floor. I saw it. 184 00:10:37,803 --> 00:10:40,097 Twisted his ankle. His ankle was on the fucking court. Pow! 185 00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:44,727 I said, "Oh shit! That's gotta be broke. He broke that bitch. I know he broke it." 186 00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:47,730 Y'know what he did? Y'know how he fixed it in real time? 187 00:10:47,813 --> 00:10:52,276 He bent down, tied his shoe up tight… …jumped up. Aah! 188 00:10:54,779 --> 00:10:56,322 He said, "I'm good. I'm good." 189 00:10:56,405 --> 00:10:59,659 "I'mma finish the game." I said, "Finish the game?" 190 00:11:02,620 --> 00:11:05,456 You can't do no shit like that after 40. 191 00:11:06,415 --> 00:11:08,793 You twist your ankle, your ankle hit that goddamn court. 192 00:11:08,876 --> 00:11:10,628 The next day you're in that boot. 193 00:11:10,711 --> 00:11:12,171 You got that fucking boot on. 194 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:15,841 "What's up, y'all?" 195 00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:18,886 "Goddamn, Joe!" 196 00:11:19,428 --> 00:11:21,806 "I thought you twisted your ankle." "So did I." 197 00:11:23,307 --> 00:11:26,227 "Turns out it's my meniscus and my Achilles." 198 00:11:27,144 --> 00:11:29,939 "That started my sciatica. They say I'm out for eight months." 199 00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:31,399 "Eight months?" 200 00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:35,903 "Eight months! Goddamn, Joe!" 201 00:11:37,488 --> 00:11:39,657 "You didn't even play!" 202 00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:47,039 "I know. They said I sat down too fast." 203 00:11:48,457 --> 00:11:51,210 "Y'all gotta stop sitting down so fast when y'all go out there." 204 00:11:51,293 --> 00:11:52,795 "Y'all gotta slow down." 205 00:11:54,588 --> 00:11:58,634 "Goddamn, Joe." It's too easy to get hurt. 206 00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:02,346 I don't think people understand how easy it is to get hurt. 207 00:12:02,430 --> 00:12:04,140 I was walking down the stairs the other day. 208 00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:06,559 I slipped down the last three steps. 209 00:12:07,059 --> 00:12:10,521 I didn't fall. I heeled it. You know that shit, when you do that? 210 00:12:11,856 --> 00:12:15,985 You know what I'm talking about? Like, "Oh no." Like that shit right there? 211 00:12:16,610 --> 00:12:18,946 Scared the fuck out of myself. 212 00:12:19,947 --> 00:12:23,659 By the way, I would much rather fall. I would much rather fall. 213 00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:26,620 'Cause if you fall, it's over with. 214 00:12:26,704 --> 00:12:28,914 This shit right here, you're thinking about… 215 00:12:29,790 --> 00:12:32,460 You're thinking about how bad it's gonna be when you finally go down. 216 00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:37,089 "I'm about to fuck my head up on the goddamn step." 217 00:12:41,343 --> 00:12:42,553 You end up hurting people. 218 00:12:42,636 --> 00:12:46,223 Poor lady in front of me. I pushed this old bitch down the stairs. 219 00:12:47,016 --> 00:12:49,018 I panicked. Ahh! 220 00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:53,522 All I heard was… 221 00:13:00,362 --> 00:13:02,281 Stairs are dangerous. 222 00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:05,451 I don't know why we need so many. 223 00:13:06,076 --> 00:13:08,871 So many fucking stairs everywhere you go. 224 00:13:08,954 --> 00:13:11,749 Going up 'em is fine. Going down is the problem. 225 00:13:12,249 --> 00:13:15,377 The older you get, it gets scary. I was with my son the other day. 226 00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:17,797 My son was going down the steps. Never seen anything like it. 227 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:20,883 This nigga was skipping stairs going down. He's… 228 00:13:23,427 --> 00:13:26,806 He's gotta be a fucking Avenger. I ain't never seen no better knees. 229 00:13:27,598 --> 00:13:29,809 What kind of knees does my son have? 230 00:13:31,769 --> 00:13:33,145 I go down the stairs sideways. 231 00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:35,397 The older you get, they change, right here. 232 00:13:37,024 --> 00:13:39,944 Go ahead. You in a rush? Go around. Go around. 233 00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:43,489 I'm not gonna hurt myself fucking with y'all. Go ahead. 234 00:13:47,952 --> 00:13:49,537 It's too easy to get hurt. 235 00:13:50,162 --> 00:13:54,083 I stepped in the shower the other day. My leg got away from me. Oh my God. 236 00:13:55,459 --> 00:13:59,171 Scared the shit out of me. Got a lot of distance in-between my fucking legs. 237 00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:03,050 I ain't never had that much distance in-between my fucking legs before. 238 00:14:03,133 --> 00:14:05,010 Oh my God. 239 00:14:06,762 --> 00:14:09,640 You don't respect all that shit you can grab onto in the shower 240 00:14:09,723 --> 00:14:11,725 until you need it. You don't respect it. 241 00:14:12,726 --> 00:14:15,729 All those bars… 'Cause you don't know why them bars are there in the shower 242 00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:16,814 until you fucking need it. 243 00:14:16,897 --> 00:14:20,109 Let me tell you something. I slipped, almost cracked my fucking head, 244 00:14:20,192 --> 00:14:21,318 grabbed that little bar. 245 00:14:21,402 --> 00:14:24,154 I said, "Thank you, save-a-little-nigga-life-bar." 246 00:14:25,447 --> 00:14:26,365 Yeah. 247 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,993 That's what that is. 248 00:14:29,076 --> 00:14:31,537 That's the save-a-little-nigga-life-bar. 249 00:14:32,788 --> 00:14:35,207 Here's the funny part. I missed the big one. 250 00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:36,876 I… I tried to grab the big one. 251 00:14:37,918 --> 00:14:41,171 I missed that bitch. Had to grab the… …the fucking little one. 252 00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:46,302 Oh my God. I never knew that's why the two bars were there. 253 00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:51,015 I've got a fear of falling in the shower. 254 00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:54,268 I think that's probably one of the worst injuries that you can get. 255 00:14:54,351 --> 00:14:58,022 Falling in the shower? Oh my God. Here's my fear. 256 00:14:58,105 --> 00:15:00,691 Falling and hurting myself to the point where I can't move, 257 00:15:00,774 --> 00:15:02,776 but I fall underneath the shower head, 258 00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:05,654 and the water… the water… 259 00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:07,364 The water keeps coming down, 260 00:15:07,448 --> 00:15:11,076 and I gotta sit there and fight for my life for six hours. 261 00:15:12,494 --> 00:15:15,331 For six hours, I'm like… 262 00:15:25,549 --> 00:15:27,468 That's how they find me. 263 00:15:29,178 --> 00:15:32,598 With a little dick, 'cause I've been in the fucking water for six hours. 264 00:15:34,141 --> 00:15:36,310 Oh my God. Can you imagine? 265 00:15:38,103 --> 00:15:39,021 You're about to die. 266 00:15:39,104 --> 00:15:42,733 The last thing you hear somebody say is, "Ew, look at his dick. Ew." 267 00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:44,902 Oh my fucking God. 268 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:47,446 Shoot me now. 269 00:15:49,573 --> 00:15:52,284 "Why does his dick look like that? Ew!" 270 00:15:55,079 --> 00:15:58,832 Wash rag's sticking out your ass because it's the last thing you washed. 271 00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:01,335 Little piece of shit on the rags. 272 00:16:01,418 --> 00:16:03,754 "Ew, it's shit on that rag." 273 00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,257 "Little, shitty-butt, little-dick man. I ain't touching him." 274 00:16:08,592 --> 00:16:10,260 I'm fucking dying. 275 00:16:13,597 --> 00:16:16,558 You know why I think like this? Because of my last injury. 276 00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:19,186 My last injury fucked me up real bad, man. 277 00:16:19,269 --> 00:16:22,314 I basically broke my dick. I don't know a better way to explain it. 278 00:16:23,357 --> 00:16:25,818 I'm being very honest tonight. It's a show full of transparency. 279 00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:29,029 I injured myself during a footrace. 280 00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:30,364 Not on the track. 281 00:16:30,864 --> 00:16:32,366 Not where you run through a ribbon 282 00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:34,827 and you get an award at the end of the race. No. 283 00:16:34,910 --> 00:16:37,496 Two drunk niggas in the middle of the street, 2 a.m. 284 00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:41,250 I raced an ex-NFL running back for no reason. 285 00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:43,919 It was an impromptu run. 286 00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,295 We was at a cookout. 287 00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:48,590 Overheard him talking at the bar. He was talking about football. 288 00:16:48,674 --> 00:16:51,385 He was like, "Man, I swear. I miss the game of football." 289 00:16:51,468 --> 00:16:55,764 "Life ain't the same without football. I'd do anything to get back on the field." 290 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:59,226 "I feel like I lost a piece of myself when I stopped playing. I miss the game." 291 00:16:59,309 --> 00:17:00,310 For no reason, I said, 292 00:17:00,394 --> 00:17:02,771 "Bitch, I'll smoke your ass in a footrace right now." 293 00:17:05,607 --> 00:17:08,527 He said, "What? Kevin, are you serious? You wanna race?" 294 00:17:08,610 --> 00:17:10,904 I said, "Yeah, I wanna race, bitch. Let's go." 295 00:17:12,364 --> 00:17:14,700 He said, "Kevin, if you wanna race, we can race." 296 00:17:14,783 --> 00:17:17,369 There were so many signs that I ignored… 297 00:17:19,246 --> 00:17:21,665 …that said, "Kevin, don't go through with this race." 298 00:17:22,291 --> 00:17:23,500 The first sign I ignored 299 00:17:23,584 --> 00:17:26,253 was how he was stretching versus how I was stretching. 300 00:17:26,962 --> 00:17:28,630 He had so many stretches. 301 00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:31,467 He was doing like some deep fucking hip bends like this. 302 00:17:31,550 --> 00:17:34,928 He had some like groin shit he was doing. He was doing knees. 303 00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:38,182 I call 'em ice cream scoops. I don't even know what the fuck these are. 304 00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:42,019 He was doing some butt kicks. He had like five minutes of stretches. 305 00:17:42,102 --> 00:17:45,814 I went up that bitch, shook my legs twice. Pow! Pow! "Let's go." 306 00:17:47,107 --> 00:17:48,734 "Let's go!" 307 00:17:51,278 --> 00:17:54,615 The worst thing that you can have after 40 are friends the same age. 308 00:17:54,698 --> 00:17:56,408 Friends 40 and above are horrible 309 00:17:56,492 --> 00:17:58,744 because no matter what dumbass decision you decide to make, 310 00:17:58,827 --> 00:18:01,121 they're gonna support you and ride with you regardless. 311 00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:06,794 When I shook my legs twice, I said, "Pow! Pow!" My friends were like, "Yeah!" 312 00:18:08,045 --> 00:18:09,505 "Get him, Kev!" 313 00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:16,887 About to smoke his ass. 314 00:18:18,597 --> 00:18:19,848 I told him out the gate… I said, 315 00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:23,185 "Look, man, you're a professional athlete, so I know you've got technique." 316 00:18:23,685 --> 00:18:26,230 "Because of your technique, you feel like you've got advantage, 317 00:18:26,313 --> 00:18:27,189 but you don't." 318 00:18:27,272 --> 00:18:29,858 "Because of my raw talent and my natural ability to run, 319 00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:31,110 I will catch your ass." 320 00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:33,946 Here's my secret when I run. 321 00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:36,907 My secret is I keep my fingers real close together like this. 322 00:18:36,990 --> 00:18:39,701 And I… Wait a minute. 323 00:18:44,873 --> 00:18:48,418 My… My secret is I keep my fingers real close together like this, 324 00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:50,170 and I chop through the wind like thi-- 325 00:18:52,422 --> 00:18:55,300 I treat the wind like a piece of cake. When I fucking run, I chop! 326 00:18:57,052 --> 00:18:59,346 Everybody gets a piece of cake when I fucking run. 327 00:19:00,639 --> 00:19:02,432 Everybody else running with their fingers open. 328 00:19:02,516 --> 00:19:05,060 You're getting all that wind. Look at that. All that fucking wind. 329 00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:06,061 All that wind. 330 00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:08,480 Not me. Not me. Look at that. Look at that. 331 00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:12,860 We sent the little boy down the end of the block. 332 00:19:12,943 --> 00:19:14,778 Little boy had to hold his arms up, like this. 333 00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:17,906 When the boy dropped his arms down, it meant it was time to fucking race. 334 00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:22,452 We on the starting line. Like I thought, he had technique. I knew he had technique. 335 00:19:22,536 --> 00:19:25,372 He had one hand down like this. He had this arm up like this. 336 00:19:25,455 --> 00:19:26,832 He had his head like that. 337 00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:30,669 I had what I refer to as the street nigga start. 338 00:19:30,752 --> 00:19:33,130 It's when you don't… You… 339 00:19:33,213 --> 00:19:36,133 You're just trying to get a little jump on him. That's all. 340 00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:42,806 Oh my God. Little boy's on the other end of the block. 341 00:19:42,890 --> 00:19:43,807 "On your mark, set…" 342 00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:46,185 He dropped his hands. Bow. It's time to go. 343 00:19:46,268 --> 00:19:47,561 He got out the gates on me. 344 00:19:48,145 --> 00:19:50,606 Now, when I run, I start off with my head down. 345 00:19:50,689 --> 00:19:54,234 I start off with my head down, and then I eventually pick my head up. 346 00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:55,527 Every time I pick my head up, 347 00:19:55,611 --> 00:19:58,113 we're either side-by-side or I'm in front of you by a bit. 348 00:19:58,197 --> 00:19:59,156 It's never failed. 349 00:19:59,239 --> 00:20:01,617 I've never had a race where we haven't been side-by-side 350 00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:03,452 or I've been in front of you by a little bit. 351 00:20:03,535 --> 00:20:05,370 For the first time ever, I pick my head up, 352 00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:07,206 I saw the back of his head. Oh my God. 353 00:20:08,457 --> 00:20:10,667 I'm fucking losing. Oh my God. 354 00:20:11,251 --> 00:20:13,212 Something's off. Something's gotta be wrong. 355 00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:15,923 There's no way I'm fucking losing. Something's wrong. 356 00:20:16,757 --> 00:20:19,843 I look at my fingers. I didn't have my fingers closed up all the way. 357 00:20:20,469 --> 00:20:21,386 Had to close 'em up. 358 00:20:24,806 --> 00:20:27,351 The older you get, the more noise you make when you run. 359 00:20:32,522 --> 00:20:36,026 My friends, they're yelling from the side, "Come on, Kev! Get it up!" 360 00:20:36,109 --> 00:20:39,279 "Get your knees up, Kev. It's thin. Heel to toe. It's thin." 361 00:20:39,863 --> 00:20:41,323 "Fuck, I'm trying!" 362 00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:46,286 I can't catch him. Eight steps left in the race, guys. I'm talking to myself, 363 00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:49,414 "Come on, Kev. Put your knees up. Fuck, man. Turn it over, Kev." 364 00:20:49,498 --> 00:20:50,582 "Come on!" 365 00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:53,543 Second to last step, I felt it. Just like that. 366 00:20:53,627 --> 00:20:54,962 I fucking felt it. 367 00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:57,839 You know what it felt like? 368 00:20:58,340 --> 00:21:01,802 It felt like my dick flew off my body and went in the bush. It… 369 00:21:02,469 --> 00:21:06,390 It felt like my dick left my body and went in the bush. 370 00:21:08,350 --> 00:21:10,352 I stopped running immediately. Ah! 371 00:21:10,435 --> 00:21:12,437 Ah! 372 00:21:12,521 --> 00:21:14,982 I made that dumbass face people make when they get hurt 373 00:21:15,065 --> 00:21:17,067 and they make eye contact with somebody. 374 00:21:26,827 --> 00:21:29,329 My trainer knew right away. My trainer said, "Kev, you good?" 375 00:21:29,413 --> 00:21:31,498 "Absolutely not. I'm fucked up, man." 376 00:21:32,499 --> 00:21:35,544 You can tell how hurt you are by who you ask for after the injury. 377 00:21:35,627 --> 00:21:37,546 All my friends are standing right there. 378 00:21:37,629 --> 00:21:40,882 I said, "Go get my wife. Right now. One of y'all go get my wife." 379 00:21:40,966 --> 00:21:43,844 When you ask for your wife, you wanna get your life affairs in order. 380 00:21:43,927 --> 00:21:46,722 You wanna sign paperwork. The family trust, the will… 381 00:21:46,805 --> 00:21:48,098 I don't give a fuck what it is. 382 00:21:48,181 --> 00:21:50,309 My dick's in a bush. I don't wanna live anymore. 383 00:21:51,101 --> 00:21:53,395 I'm not living without a dick. My dick is in the bush. 384 00:21:56,481 --> 00:22:00,569 They went to go get my wife. My wife came out hot. Had an attitude. 385 00:22:01,153 --> 00:22:03,155 Head bobbing side to side. 386 00:22:03,947 --> 00:22:05,282 As soon as she saw me, she said, 387 00:22:05,365 --> 00:22:07,326 "What the fuck your stupid ass done did now?" 388 00:22:26,595 --> 00:22:27,763 "I need you to do me a favor." 389 00:22:27,846 --> 00:22:30,057 "Go look in that bush and see if you see my dick." 390 00:22:31,308 --> 00:22:32,517 "What?" 391 00:22:33,018 --> 00:22:36,146 "Go look in the bush and see if you see my dick!" 392 00:22:37,606 --> 00:22:40,233 "Your dick ain't in no bush." "My dick is in the bush!" 393 00:22:41,109 --> 00:22:42,944 Because I'm small, she grabbed me right away. 394 00:22:43,028 --> 00:22:45,572 "Come here! Come here! That's your dick right there." 395 00:22:45,655 --> 00:22:46,865 "I feel your dick right there." 396 00:22:46,948 --> 00:22:51,328 "Impossible. That's all balls. What you just felt is all balls." 397 00:22:53,163 --> 00:22:55,040 "My dick is in the bush." 398 00:22:56,166 --> 00:22:58,085 "I'm not arguing with you about where my dick is." 399 00:22:58,168 --> 00:22:59,836 "I'm calling a doctor right now." 400 00:23:00,796 --> 00:23:02,756 I called my doctor. "Doc, this is bad." 401 00:23:03,256 --> 00:23:06,176 "I can't walk, Doc. There's a chance that my dick is in the bush." 402 00:23:06,259 --> 00:23:08,887 "I took a picture of the bush, in case we gotta come back to get it." 403 00:23:08,970 --> 00:23:11,765 "My wife won't help me look for it." 404 00:23:11,848 --> 00:23:14,101 I'm coming to the hospital, Doc, but I'm coming through the back. 405 00:23:14,184 --> 00:23:17,521 I don't want nobody to see me like this. "Get a gurney, a stretcher. I can't walk." 406 00:23:17,604 --> 00:23:20,732 He said, "Kevin, I got you." True story, people. 407 00:23:20,816 --> 00:23:22,943 My friends pick me up, put me in the passenger seat. 408 00:23:23,026 --> 00:23:24,986 We pull up at the hospital. My worst nightmare. 409 00:23:25,070 --> 00:23:27,906 It's like an episode of one of those really bad hospital TV shows. 410 00:23:27,989 --> 00:23:30,367 They show up, they got the gurney, they put me on the gurney, 411 00:23:30,450 --> 00:23:31,952 start rushing me through the hospital. 412 00:23:32,035 --> 00:23:34,121 They're cutting my pants from the bottom, 413 00:23:34,204 --> 00:23:36,790 saying those weird hospital sentences that don't make sense. 414 00:23:36,873 --> 00:23:39,292 "Give me three TCEs with eight SUVs." 415 00:23:39,376 --> 00:23:42,671 I don't know what the fuck they're saying. I don't know what they're saying. 416 00:23:44,256 --> 00:23:46,550 Somebody yells out, "We gotta give him an MRI." 417 00:23:46,633 --> 00:23:48,885 "Give him an MRI so we can see what's going on." 418 00:23:49,386 --> 00:23:52,514 I don't know what it is about the MRI machine, but I can't take it. 419 00:23:52,597 --> 00:23:55,016 But I'm never honest about it. I lie every time. 420 00:23:55,100 --> 00:23:58,520 They put me in the MRI machine. My doctor came out. "Kev, you good to go?" 421 00:23:58,603 --> 00:24:00,355 "Absolutely, Doc. Let it rip." 422 00:24:00,439 --> 00:24:02,607 He closed the door. I start hearing the beeps. 423 00:24:02,691 --> 00:24:04,776 Beep, bop. Boop, boop, boop. Bop, bop, bop. 424 00:24:04,860 --> 00:24:07,237 I lost it. 425 00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:08,488 I said… 426 00:24:08,572 --> 00:24:11,992 I put my hands on the glass. I said, "They're trying to take my DNA." 427 00:24:14,244 --> 00:24:15,871 I fucking lost it. 428 00:24:17,497 --> 00:24:19,166 They had to put me to sleep. 429 00:24:20,584 --> 00:24:23,712 They put me to sleep. I came to. My doctor was very honest with me. 430 00:24:23,795 --> 00:24:25,964 He said, "Kevin, it's exactly what you thought it was." 431 00:24:26,047 --> 00:24:28,091 "You messed yourself up pretty bad, Kevin." 432 00:24:28,175 --> 00:24:30,343 He said, "Kevin, you tore up both your adductors." 433 00:24:30,427 --> 00:24:32,387 Fuck! 434 00:24:33,180 --> 00:24:34,806 I tore both of them? 435 00:24:35,682 --> 00:24:37,726 Tears. Real tears, instantly. 436 00:24:37,809 --> 00:24:39,895 I'm crying. I'm a fucking mess. 437 00:24:41,271 --> 00:24:44,441 The reason why I was crying is because I had no idea what that was. 438 00:24:44,524 --> 00:24:48,653 I've never heard that before. I never heard it, so I assume the worst. 439 00:24:48,737 --> 00:24:50,780 "What are you saying, Doc? I don't have ovaries?" 440 00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:53,366 "Did you take my ovaries, you son of a bitch?" 441 00:24:54,409 --> 00:24:56,328 "Did you take my ovaries from me?" 442 00:25:00,248 --> 00:25:01,249 It was a sad day. 443 00:25:03,293 --> 00:25:04,961 I got a wheelchair that day. 444 00:25:05,462 --> 00:25:07,756 I was in a wheelchair for six weeks, people. 445 00:25:08,381 --> 00:25:11,968 They gave me the hospital wheelchair, which is possibly the worst wheelchair 446 00:25:12,052 --> 00:25:13,011 that money can buy. 447 00:25:13,970 --> 00:25:16,848 It's the one that you gotta fold. You gotta fucking fold it. 448 00:25:17,349 --> 00:25:20,227 But you gotta be strong as shit. You gotta fucking really… 449 00:25:21,144 --> 00:25:24,231 The only way you get it flat, you gotta punch the seat. Bam! 450 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:26,983 The brakes are behind the wheels. 451 00:25:27,067 --> 00:25:29,402 You gotta step on the brakes real fucking hard. 452 00:25:31,613 --> 00:25:33,698 I have so much more respect for people in a wheelchair 453 00:25:33,782 --> 00:25:35,075 after being in a wheelchair. 454 00:25:35,158 --> 00:25:38,662 Notice I said "more." I've always had respect for people in wheelchairs. 455 00:25:38,745 --> 00:25:40,080 I just have more respect now. 456 00:25:41,998 --> 00:25:44,751 You know what it is? It's all about the wheelchair handler. 457 00:25:44,834 --> 00:25:47,963 You get a bad wheelchair handler, life in a wheelchair can be shit. 458 00:25:48,046 --> 00:25:51,091 You need a good wheelchair handler. 459 00:25:51,174 --> 00:25:53,426 My handler was horrible. Horrible. 460 00:25:53,510 --> 00:25:55,720 My first handler? Horrible. 461 00:25:56,805 --> 00:26:00,433 My first handler was my wife. What a bitch to get. I'm just saying. 462 00:26:00,517 --> 00:26:02,852 It is what it is. I'm being honest. 463 00:26:02,936 --> 00:26:06,314 Day one in a wheelchair, I get home. She rolled me in front of a window. 464 00:26:06,398 --> 00:26:08,900 Locked the back brakes. Said, "I'll be back." 465 00:26:08,984 --> 00:26:11,736 Seven hours she left me in front of that fucking window. 466 00:26:11,820 --> 00:26:12,862 Seven hours! 467 00:26:14,322 --> 00:26:16,992 I don't know the last time you looked out a window for seven hours, 468 00:26:17,075 --> 00:26:18,910 but I saw everything that day. 469 00:26:19,828 --> 00:26:23,790 It was like a Black episode of Misery. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. 470 00:26:24,499 --> 00:26:27,335 Pissing and shitting on myself. Nobody changed me. 471 00:26:27,419 --> 00:26:29,504 "What the fuck is this?" 472 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:34,718 Life in a wheelchair was tough, man. I didn't want my wife anymore. 473 00:26:34,801 --> 00:26:36,511 I said, "You know what? I want my son now." 474 00:26:36,595 --> 00:26:40,056 "I wanna use my son. My son's gonna be a better handler." 475 00:26:40,557 --> 00:26:41,850 My son was no better. 476 00:26:41,933 --> 00:26:43,977 He played too much. 477 00:26:44,060 --> 00:26:45,228 My son would do shit like 478 00:26:45,312 --> 00:26:47,355 push the wheelchair out in front of him real far. 479 00:26:47,439 --> 00:26:50,817 Then he'd run, jump on the back, make my shit pop up. 480 00:26:52,402 --> 00:26:55,405 There's no greater fear than the fear of somebody pushing you on a wheelchair 481 00:26:55,488 --> 00:26:57,449 and letting you go, and you see traffic. 482 00:26:57,532 --> 00:27:00,118 "Hey! Hey!" 483 00:27:00,201 --> 00:27:01,286 "Hey!" 484 00:27:02,662 --> 00:27:04,998 That's how I found out why they wore gloves. 485 00:27:05,081 --> 00:27:07,709 I never knew why people in a wheelchair wore gloves. 486 00:27:08,209 --> 00:27:11,212 I thought it was because they had attitude and were sick of people's shit. 487 00:27:12,589 --> 00:27:14,215 That day I saw traffic, I panicked. 488 00:27:14,299 --> 00:27:16,343 I tried to stop the wheels with my bare hands. 489 00:27:16,426 --> 00:27:18,678 I burnt a hole in my palm. 490 00:27:18,762 --> 00:27:20,180 I burnt a fucking hole in my palm. 491 00:27:20,263 --> 00:27:23,224 When it happened, there was another man in a wheelchair across the street. 492 00:27:23,308 --> 00:27:24,142 He looked at me. 493 00:27:24,225 --> 00:27:26,436 He said, "You'd better get you some gloves, little man." 494 00:27:28,063 --> 00:27:30,690 I went home and told my wife, "I gotta get some gloves." 495 00:27:30,774 --> 00:27:33,693 "Look what I did to my palm. I burnt a hole. I gotta get some gloves." 496 00:27:34,402 --> 00:27:35,612 She said, "I got no gloves." 497 00:27:35,695 --> 00:27:37,822 "I've got some mittens upstairs. You use those." 498 00:27:39,282 --> 00:27:40,283 I get the mittens. 499 00:27:40,367 --> 00:27:42,327 We go outside later that night. I was rolling. 500 00:27:42,410 --> 00:27:44,996 I see the same man in the wheelchair that told me to get the gloves. 501 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,999 I try to show him love. I said, "I appreciate you looking out for me." 502 00:27:48,083 --> 00:27:49,959 "Telling me to protect my hands like this 503 00:27:50,043 --> 00:27:52,962 means the world that we're fucking sticking together like this, man." 504 00:27:53,546 --> 00:27:56,675 Apparently, this is disrespectful in the wheelchair community. 505 00:27:56,758 --> 00:27:58,468 This means something. 506 00:27:58,551 --> 00:28:01,721 He got mad. He said, "You ain't gonna put your thumb in nobody's ass over here." 507 00:28:01,805 --> 00:28:05,058 I said, "What… the fuck are you talking about?" 508 00:28:05,141 --> 00:28:07,560 "Ain't nobody trying to put their thumb in your ass." 509 00:28:07,644 --> 00:28:11,481 "I'm saying thank you for the love. I'm saying thank you." 510 00:28:11,564 --> 00:28:14,067 He said, "You think it's a game, bitch?" He charged me. 511 00:28:17,612 --> 00:28:20,365 It's my first wheelchair fight. I'd never been in a wheelchair fight. 512 00:28:21,533 --> 00:28:24,911 I didn't know what to do, I couldn't move, 'cause my son had my back brakes locked. 513 00:28:24,994 --> 00:28:28,289 So I had to… I had to brace for impact. I was… We were… 514 00:28:28,373 --> 00:28:31,084 We were looking at each other in the eye. 515 00:28:32,752 --> 00:28:35,588 Fucking knocked me out the chair. Oh my God! 516 00:28:36,256 --> 00:28:38,925 I got up. I'm pissed. "Why the fuck you ram me like that?" 517 00:28:39,008 --> 00:28:40,635 People were watching. Somebody yelled out, 518 00:28:40,719 --> 00:28:42,762 "He's faking. He can move his legs." 519 00:28:47,434 --> 00:28:49,310 I said, "I'm not faking. I'm not faking." 520 00:28:49,394 --> 00:28:52,272 "I got abducted. I don't have ovaries. They took my ovaries." 521 00:28:53,690 --> 00:28:56,526 "You don't know what it's like to not have ovaries." 522 00:28:56,609 --> 00:28:58,111 "I don't have any ovaries." 523 00:29:01,322 --> 00:29:02,991 You guys are laughing, but this is my life. 524 00:29:03,074 --> 00:29:04,492 This is… 525 00:29:08,079 --> 00:29:12,667 I started walking again in six and a half weeks. Walking. 526 00:29:13,543 --> 00:29:17,380 Because we're being honest, very transparent tonight, I had a thought. 527 00:29:17,881 --> 00:29:20,425 When I was walking, I realized that over the last six weeks 528 00:29:20,508 --> 00:29:22,051 my dick didn't get hard one time. 529 00:29:22,135 --> 00:29:24,846 This is a true story. "Oh my God." 530 00:29:25,346 --> 00:29:27,766 "What if this is life now? Oh my God." 531 00:29:28,266 --> 00:29:30,143 "What if this is now my new norm?" 532 00:29:30,226 --> 00:29:33,438 "What if my wife wanna fuck, and I can't 'cause my dick don't work? Oh my God." 533 00:29:33,521 --> 00:29:35,523 Here's the thing about me. 534 00:29:35,607 --> 00:29:37,817 I don't have anxiety, but when I get it, I got it. 535 00:29:37,901 --> 00:29:42,113 I felt like I had it. Right? So I started to spiral a little bit. 536 00:29:42,197 --> 00:29:43,573 I'm fucking spiraling. 537 00:29:44,199 --> 00:29:46,409 I went out. I got a dick pill. 538 00:29:46,493 --> 00:29:49,204 True story. There's no shame in my game 539 00:29:49,287 --> 00:29:51,581 about admitting that I took a dick pill before. 540 00:29:52,207 --> 00:29:54,000 I feel like every man should take a dick pill 541 00:29:54,083 --> 00:29:55,418 at some point in time in his life. 542 00:29:55,502 --> 00:29:58,797 And hit their lady with a piece of dick-pill dick. I really feel that way. 543 00:29:59,339 --> 00:30:02,801 I don't think you should tell her. Don't tell her when you take a dick pill. 544 00:30:03,301 --> 00:30:06,095 My wife has no idea that I took a dick pill. 545 00:30:06,179 --> 00:30:09,974 She will once she sees the set, of course. But as of right now, she doesn't know. 546 00:30:11,309 --> 00:30:13,436 It's all about understanding the rules, 547 00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:15,855 all about understanding the context behind the dick pill. 548 00:30:15,939 --> 00:30:17,190 You get the right dick pill, 549 00:30:17,273 --> 00:30:19,275 you can get three good days out of a dick pill. 550 00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:22,862 Rule number one is that you can't believe the hype. 551 00:30:23,363 --> 00:30:25,865 Make sure you understand that, fellas. Don't believe the hype. 552 00:30:25,949 --> 00:30:28,618 That's not you. That's the dick pill. Do you understand that? 553 00:30:30,161 --> 00:30:31,329 It's not you. 554 00:30:31,412 --> 00:30:32,622 It's the dick pill. 555 00:30:32,705 --> 00:30:35,959 Don't try to merge your regular dick after your dick-pill dick. 556 00:30:36,042 --> 00:30:37,752 Those are two different versions of dick. 557 00:30:38,378 --> 00:30:41,297 You're gonna get your feelings hurt. She's gonna fuck with your self-esteem. 558 00:30:42,966 --> 00:30:45,176 You gotta know how to break the days down. 559 00:30:45,260 --> 00:30:48,346 Day one on the dick pill is all about setting the tone, 560 00:30:48,429 --> 00:30:49,597 setting the foundation. 561 00:30:49,681 --> 00:30:51,808 You know what's in your system. She don't. 562 00:30:52,308 --> 00:30:53,768 You gotta talk shit. 563 00:30:53,852 --> 00:30:56,312 "You keep walking around here stomping your goddamn feet, 564 00:30:56,396 --> 00:30:58,147 you're gonna get what you're asking for." 565 00:30:59,107 --> 00:31:01,109 "'Cause you must've forgotten who the fuck I am 566 00:31:01,192 --> 00:31:02,277 and what I'm capable of." 567 00:31:02,360 --> 00:31:04,279 "I'm about to toss your ass up in the air." 568 00:31:05,363 --> 00:31:06,406 "You keep playing with me, 569 00:31:06,489 --> 00:31:08,283 you gonna get a goddamn blast from the past." 570 00:31:08,366 --> 00:31:11,744 "Whatever, Kevin. Whatever. You're always talking shit." 571 00:31:11,828 --> 00:31:14,163 "Whatever. You're always talking shit." 572 00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:19,419 End of day one, you do exactly what you said you was gonna do. 573 00:31:19,502 --> 00:31:23,006 You give out the best piece of dick-pill dick you've ever given in your life. 574 00:31:23,089 --> 00:31:26,801 Day two is all about the follow-through. "What did I tell you I was gonna do?" 575 00:31:26,885 --> 00:31:29,596 "Didn't I tell you I was gonna do that? I can do that whenever I want." 576 00:31:29,679 --> 00:31:32,223 "It's like a light switch. I can flick it on and flick it off." 577 00:31:32,307 --> 00:31:34,309 "The reason why you don't get that dick all the time 578 00:31:34,392 --> 00:31:37,020 is because you don't know how to act. That's why." 579 00:31:38,396 --> 00:31:40,773 "You start acting right, you'll get that dick more often." 580 00:31:40,857 --> 00:31:44,569 "I'll act right. I'll act right. I'll act…" 581 00:31:46,070 --> 00:31:48,865 "Tell me what I gotta do to act right. I'll act right." 582 00:31:50,533 --> 00:31:52,535 "You can start by shutting the fuck up." 583 00:32:00,209 --> 00:32:03,046 You're a different man with a dick pill in your system. 584 00:32:03,129 --> 00:32:06,299 You're not the same version of yourself that you are without. 585 00:32:06,382 --> 00:32:08,301 Your trash talk is even different. 586 00:32:08,384 --> 00:32:11,220 You're saying shit that you didn't know you were capable of saying. 587 00:32:11,304 --> 00:32:13,306 "What's my goddamn name?" "Kevin." 588 00:32:13,389 --> 00:32:18,561 "No. No! What's my full name, the way it is on my birth certificate?" 589 00:32:18,645 --> 00:32:23,983 "Kevin Darnell Hart. Kevin Darnell Hart. Kevin Darnell Hart." 590 00:32:24,067 --> 00:32:26,694 "Yeah!" 591 00:32:26,778 --> 00:32:27,695 "Yeah!" 592 00:32:30,114 --> 00:32:31,866 What's my Social Security number? 593 00:32:33,201 --> 00:32:35,578 "What? I don't even… I don't even know." 594 00:32:35,662 --> 00:32:37,080 "What's my Social Security number?" 595 00:32:37,163 --> 00:32:38,998 "You better say it before I take this dick out." 596 00:32:39,082 --> 00:32:41,167 "No. Don't take this dick out." 597 00:32:41,250 --> 00:32:43,503 "Oh God." 598 00:32:43,586 --> 00:32:46,172 "1-7-4-3-2-2-2." 599 00:32:46,255 --> 00:32:48,883 "Yeah!" 600 00:32:48,967 --> 00:32:49,801 "Yeah!" 601 00:32:52,261 --> 00:32:54,013 "Raise your hand if you lovin' this dick." 602 00:32:54,097 --> 00:32:55,890 "I'm loving this dick." 603 00:32:57,558 --> 00:32:59,894 You can't follow that with your regular dick. 604 00:33:00,395 --> 00:33:02,605 You will get your feelings hurt. 605 00:33:04,023 --> 00:33:06,693 Right off the gate, she will hit you with a gut punch. 606 00:33:06,776 --> 00:33:08,236 As soon as you put it in. 607 00:33:08,736 --> 00:33:11,364 "Is it hard all the way? It don't feel like it did yesterday." 608 00:33:11,447 --> 00:33:14,659 "Bitch, what did you just say to me?" 609 00:33:14,742 --> 00:33:18,496 "Bitch, what did you just say?" "It don't feel like it did yesterday." 610 00:33:18,579 --> 00:33:20,873 "It don't feel like it's got the same amount of blood in it 611 00:33:20,957 --> 00:33:22,291 that it had in it yesterday." 612 00:33:23,167 --> 00:33:25,753 "You said if I act right I can get that dick whenever I wanted, 613 00:33:25,837 --> 00:33:27,213 and I've been acting right." 614 00:33:28,214 --> 00:33:30,842 "Here, let me help you… Let me help you get more blood in it." 615 00:33:30,925 --> 00:33:36,014 "Kevin Darnell Hart. Kevin Darnell Hart. Kevin Darnell Hart." 616 00:33:36,097 --> 00:33:38,182 "Bitch, stop saying my full fucking name!" 617 00:33:38,683 --> 00:33:41,019 "The fuck are you saying my full name for like that?" 618 00:33:41,978 --> 00:33:44,814 "1-7-4-3-2-2-2-1." 619 00:33:45,314 --> 00:33:47,817 "Bitch, stop saying my Social Security number!" 620 00:33:48,401 --> 00:33:50,570 "You wearing a wire? Who the fuck you work for?" 621 00:33:51,696 --> 00:33:54,407 "I want that dick. I want that dick." 622 00:33:54,490 --> 00:33:56,284 "Put your fucking hand down." 623 00:33:59,746 --> 00:34:03,916 Now this went in reverse. Now you're you soft. Oh my God. 624 00:34:04,876 --> 00:34:08,671 You just went soft in the session with the woman you love. Holy shit! 625 00:34:08,755 --> 00:34:11,299 This is bad. This is as bad as it gets. 626 00:34:11,382 --> 00:34:14,427 This is ground zero, level-ten stage of panic. 627 00:34:14,510 --> 00:34:16,387 You gotta do what you can to save the session. 628 00:34:16,471 --> 00:34:18,931 That's when you gotta hit your lady with the squeeze and squish. 629 00:34:19,015 --> 00:34:20,975 Sir, you know what the squeeze and squish is? 630 00:34:21,517 --> 00:34:23,853 The squeeze and squish is your last resort. 631 00:34:23,936 --> 00:34:26,355 That's your last resort at saving the session. 632 00:34:26,439 --> 00:34:28,399 You gotta squeeze the base with everything you got, 633 00:34:28,483 --> 00:34:30,902 try to get enough blood at the top until you pop the seal. 634 00:34:30,985 --> 00:34:33,446 That's when you turn into a Transformer. 635 00:34:36,240 --> 00:34:38,242 Just looking for a little reaction. 636 00:34:41,537 --> 00:34:44,165 "What's happening?" "Shut up, Shut up!" 637 00:34:45,583 --> 00:34:46,709 "Throwing me off." 638 00:34:49,295 --> 00:34:52,590 Every man knows what I'm talking about. You just didn't know what to call it. 639 00:34:53,091 --> 00:34:54,759 It's the squeeze and squish. You're welcome. 640 00:34:56,677 --> 00:35:00,056 Women are gonna go home tonight, "Are you squeeze-and-squishing me?" 641 00:35:01,474 --> 00:35:03,935 That feels very squeeze and squish-ish. 642 00:35:09,357 --> 00:35:11,192 You know what my problem was? I think… 643 00:35:11,275 --> 00:35:14,403 I think my problem was my dick pill provider. 644 00:35:15,571 --> 00:35:18,199 My problem was where I was getting the dick pills from. 645 00:35:18,282 --> 00:35:19,534 I didn't wanna go to the doctor. 646 00:35:19,617 --> 00:35:21,744 I didn't want to get a prescription for dick pills. 647 00:35:21,828 --> 00:35:23,496 I felt that was too aggressive. 648 00:35:24,205 --> 00:35:27,333 Getting a prescription for dick pills. Jesus Christ. 649 00:35:27,917 --> 00:35:30,795 I mean, God, what happens when he cancels your prescription? 650 00:35:30,878 --> 00:35:32,213 You can't do it anymore. 651 00:35:32,296 --> 00:35:34,966 You no longer get a prescription because a doctor cancelled it. 652 00:35:35,049 --> 00:35:36,509 That's embarrassing. 653 00:35:36,592 --> 00:35:38,511 What's that conversation like? 654 00:35:38,594 --> 00:35:40,555 "No, I know. I know, Doc." 655 00:35:42,306 --> 00:35:46,310 "I'm not even fucking like that no more. I swear to God. This… This is it." 656 00:35:46,394 --> 00:35:49,188 "This'll be my last time. Don't leave me out there like that." 657 00:35:49,856 --> 00:35:51,732 I just can't see myself in that situation. 658 00:35:51,816 --> 00:35:54,318 I was getting my dick pills from the gas station. 659 00:35:54,402 --> 00:35:56,237 Um… 660 00:35:56,320 --> 00:35:57,155 I was. 661 00:35:58,156 --> 00:36:00,867 It didn't happen on purpose. It was an impromptu purchase. 662 00:36:01,659 --> 00:36:03,828 I went to go get gas. Went inside to get chips. 663 00:36:03,911 --> 00:36:07,582 They had the dick pills next to the chips. I said, "Fuck it." I took it right there. 664 00:36:10,751 --> 00:36:13,004 I drank a C4 Energy drink. Felt it right away. 665 00:36:16,048 --> 00:36:17,925 My problem was the gas station clerk. 666 00:36:18,009 --> 00:36:20,344 I had so many questions for the gas station clerk. 667 00:36:20,428 --> 00:36:22,096 I told you guys I've got a little anxiety. 668 00:36:22,180 --> 00:36:24,348 I was treating the gas station clerk like a doctor. 669 00:36:24,432 --> 00:36:26,309 I had so much that I wanted to know. 670 00:36:26,392 --> 00:36:29,562 I said, "Excuse me. Excuse me. Can you tell me the difference 671 00:36:29,645 --> 00:36:32,231 between a Rhino XL and a Silverback 45 Pro?" 672 00:36:32,315 --> 00:36:34,734 "What's the difference of those two?" 673 00:36:34,817 --> 00:36:38,029 "Oh! Okay, so you like the Rhino? Okay. Okay." 674 00:36:38,529 --> 00:36:39,655 "I'm allergic to shellfish." 675 00:36:39,739 --> 00:36:41,991 "Anything I need to worry about?" 676 00:36:42,074 --> 00:36:43,534 "No? I'll be fine? Okay." 677 00:36:45,161 --> 00:36:46,579 "How do your customers feel?" 678 00:36:46,662 --> 00:36:49,665 "Do you get repeat customers? Do they come back and buy more?" 679 00:36:49,749 --> 00:36:52,084 "Do they say they loved it and come back and get it again?" 680 00:36:52,168 --> 00:36:53,502 He told me flat out. 681 00:36:53,586 --> 00:36:56,589 "I've got one guy that comes in here and buys every dick pill we have." 682 00:36:56,672 --> 00:36:58,299 "He leaves with 'em in his back pocket." 683 00:36:58,382 --> 00:37:01,844 I said, "There's only one back pocket big enough to fit that many dick pills." 684 00:37:04,263 --> 00:37:07,141 Michael Jordan, you son of a bitch. 685 00:37:08,684 --> 00:37:11,604 Michael Dick Pill Jordan, you son of a bitch! 686 00:37:19,612 --> 00:37:21,364 Mike gonna kill me when he sees this set. 687 00:37:21,447 --> 00:37:24,158 I can't wait. He gonna fuckin' kill me. 688 00:37:24,242 --> 00:37:26,494 Y'all gonna read about me and Mike fighting in the streets. 689 00:37:26,577 --> 00:37:29,538 I'm gonna keep punching him in his back pocket. "Fuck you, Mike." 690 00:37:29,622 --> 00:37:32,458 "Fuck you, man. I know where the computer is." 691 00:37:36,045 --> 00:37:39,131 I really am afraid of being addicted to pills. 692 00:37:39,215 --> 00:37:41,175 That's a real fear of mine. 693 00:37:41,676 --> 00:37:44,136 The reason why is because I'm a 45-year-old Black man. 694 00:37:44,220 --> 00:37:46,347 This is where health and wellness comes into play, man. 695 00:37:46,430 --> 00:37:47,890 Take care of yourselves, people. 696 00:37:47,974 --> 00:37:50,601 Take care of yourselves while you can make the choice. 697 00:37:50,685 --> 00:37:54,563 Do not wait until you don't have a choice. Let that sink in. 698 00:37:54,647 --> 00:37:57,733 Take care of yourself while you can make the fucking choice. 699 00:37:57,817 --> 00:37:59,652 Health and wellness is very serious. 700 00:37:59,735 --> 00:38:00,987 It is. 701 00:38:01,070 --> 00:38:02,571 It is. 702 00:38:04,657 --> 00:38:07,868 The reason why I'm so big on taking care of myself 703 00:38:07,952 --> 00:38:10,246 is because a lot of shit is in my family. 704 00:38:10,329 --> 00:38:12,623 A lot of shit. My family is fucked up, man. 705 00:38:12,707 --> 00:38:13,791 Name it, they got it. 706 00:38:14,375 --> 00:38:18,671 Diabetes, fucking cancer, high blood pressure, hypertension, gout. 707 00:38:18,754 --> 00:38:22,758 I mean, strokes left and right. You name it, they're fucking battling it. 708 00:38:22,842 --> 00:38:25,761 I don't wanna be that guy, so I'm trying to fucking prevent it. 709 00:38:25,845 --> 00:38:28,889 Trying to change myself now so I don't have to do it later. 710 00:38:28,973 --> 00:38:30,850 That's what I'm trying to do. That's the goal. 711 00:38:30,933 --> 00:38:32,727 Um… 712 00:38:32,810 --> 00:38:33,853 I'll… 713 00:38:34,645 --> 00:38:38,899 I'll say to my friends… My friends are probably the dumbest people in the world 714 00:38:38,983 --> 00:38:41,277 when it comes to understanding health and wellness. 715 00:38:41,360 --> 00:38:43,946 My friends have no respect for health and wellness. 716 00:38:44,030 --> 00:38:47,700 Spank may be the dumbest when it comes to understanding health and wellness. 717 00:38:47,783 --> 00:38:51,287 We're at dinner. This was a month ago. Spank drank a glass of wine. Right? 718 00:38:51,370 --> 00:38:52,872 After he got down the wine, he's like, 719 00:38:52,955 --> 00:38:55,249 "Goddamn, every time I drink wine, I get dizzy as shit." 720 00:38:55,333 --> 00:38:58,461 "My motherfucking eyes get blurry, I can't feel my hand." 721 00:38:58,544 --> 00:39:01,213 "The left side of my face feels like it's getting long." 722 00:39:01,297 --> 00:39:04,050 "My fucking arm is numb. I can't feel my leg." 723 00:39:04,133 --> 00:39:06,635 "My foot feels like it's got spikes coming in it." 724 00:39:06,719 --> 00:39:09,972 I said, "Bitch, you're having a stroke. This is a stroke." 725 00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:13,392 He said, "I'm all right. I'm gonna go home, lay down, 726 00:39:13,476 --> 00:39:14,518 and drink some ginger ale." 727 00:39:14,602 --> 00:39:15,728 I said, "What?" 728 00:39:16,687 --> 00:39:19,190 "I'mma lay down and drink some ginger ale." 729 00:39:20,149 --> 00:39:21,817 I really wanna meet the person responsible 730 00:39:21,901 --> 00:39:24,278 for convincing Black people that ginger ale is medicine. 731 00:39:24,362 --> 00:39:26,113 I wanna meet you. 732 00:39:26,197 --> 00:39:28,491 I wanna meet you so I can punch you in the fucking throat. 733 00:39:28,574 --> 00:39:30,534 It's not medicine! 734 00:39:30,618 --> 00:39:33,412 It's fucking soda. It's soda! 735 00:39:34,830 --> 00:39:37,249 You wanna know what's not in ginger ale? Ginger. 736 00:39:37,333 --> 00:39:40,211 How about we start there, people? Fucking ginger! 737 00:39:41,712 --> 00:39:44,924 People got fucking small bottles of ginger ale in their medicine cabinet. 738 00:39:45,007 --> 00:39:47,385 You fucking idiots. It's soda! 739 00:39:48,677 --> 00:39:50,471 My friends swear by ginger ale. 740 00:39:50,971 --> 00:39:52,390 They swear by it. 741 00:39:52,473 --> 00:39:55,226 My friend Harry, his knees have been messed up for over ten years. 742 00:39:55,309 --> 00:39:59,397 I know it's his meniscus. I know it is. Ask Harry what's wrong with his knee, 743 00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:02,066 he goes, "I slept wrong. I just gotta let it loosen up." 744 00:40:03,067 --> 00:40:05,194 Spank goes, "You gotta drink some ginger ale." 745 00:40:05,277 --> 00:40:07,363 Harry goes, "Word?" This is a true story. 746 00:40:07,446 --> 00:40:10,533 Harry goes, "Word?" He said, "I'm telling you, drink some ginger ale." 747 00:40:10,616 --> 00:40:13,327 Harry orders a ginger ale, drinks it, stands up. 748 00:40:13,411 --> 00:40:16,247 He goes, "Oh shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah." 749 00:40:16,330 --> 00:40:17,289 "Yeah!" 750 00:40:17,790 --> 00:40:19,959 "Yeah, I feel that." 751 00:40:20,042 --> 00:40:21,627 You lying bitch. 752 00:40:23,087 --> 00:40:26,549 Telling me you feel bubbles in your fucking knee? You don't feel shit. 753 00:40:28,926 --> 00:40:32,263 Health and wellness all comes down to what you can eat versus what you can't. 754 00:40:32,888 --> 00:40:34,515 It's a battle people lose every day. 755 00:40:34,598 --> 00:40:36,642 Some people understand it, some people don't. 756 00:40:36,725 --> 00:40:39,603 What can you eat versus what you can't. 757 00:40:39,687 --> 00:40:43,190 Old people don't give a fuck. Old people do not give a fuck. 758 00:40:43,274 --> 00:40:46,610 You ever tried to correct an old person when you know the shit they can't have? 759 00:40:46,694 --> 00:40:49,613 "Grandpop, you know you can't eat salt." "Motherfucker, I know." 760 00:40:51,115 --> 00:40:54,410 "You think I give a fuck about you or the doctor?" 761 00:40:54,493 --> 00:40:55,870 They don't give a fuck. 762 00:40:56,662 --> 00:40:59,415 I already know what I can have, and I know what I can't. 763 00:40:59,999 --> 00:41:02,418 I love the Spicy Chicken Sandwich from Chick-fil-A. 764 00:41:02,501 --> 00:41:04,128 I can't eat it though, but love it. 765 00:41:04,211 --> 00:41:06,755 I think it's the best sandwich in the world, but I can't eat it. 766 00:41:06,839 --> 00:41:07,923 That sandwich is undefeated. 767 00:41:08,007 --> 00:41:10,217 It's never lost a battle to my body. Never. 768 00:41:10,301 --> 00:41:13,471 Every time I eat that sandwich, it comes out my ass like a buckshot. 769 00:41:13,554 --> 00:41:15,723 One shot. One shot. 770 00:41:15,806 --> 00:41:19,101 Pow! There it is. There it is. 771 00:41:19,185 --> 00:41:21,353 I don't even look back. I know it's a mess. 772 00:41:21,437 --> 00:41:23,898 I know it's a fucking mess back there. 773 00:41:24,398 --> 00:41:25,357 Bang! 774 00:41:27,067 --> 00:41:29,862 You know what pisses me off about that sandwich? I know I chew it. 775 00:41:29,945 --> 00:41:32,698 I chew the fuck out of that sandwich. 776 00:41:32,781 --> 00:41:35,367 Somehow that bitch put itself back together 777 00:41:35,451 --> 00:41:37,328 and comes out my ass whole. 778 00:41:38,329 --> 00:41:42,875 The bun be on the back of the toilet seat. The chicken patty on the goddamn floor. 779 00:41:43,792 --> 00:41:46,545 I gotta put the bitch back together and put it in the toilet. 780 00:41:47,671 --> 00:41:51,008 Fuck that sandwich. It's an ass fire. It's a walking ass fire. 781 00:41:56,096 --> 00:41:58,098 The older you get, the less you can have. 782 00:41:58,724 --> 00:42:01,101 Your stomach fucking weakens the older you get. 783 00:42:01,185 --> 00:42:02,770 You can't eat shit no more. 784 00:42:02,853 --> 00:42:05,022 If you really wanna laugh, go to dinner with old people. 785 00:42:05,523 --> 00:42:06,690 Go to dinner with old people 786 00:42:06,774 --> 00:42:09,610 so you can hear old people tell the waiters the shit they can't have. 787 00:42:10,110 --> 00:42:13,531 It'll be the simplest shit. "Excuse me, is there lemon in that water?" 788 00:42:13,614 --> 00:42:15,282 "Uh-uh! Get it out of here." 789 00:42:17,117 --> 00:42:20,037 "I eat that lemon, it's over for me for the month." 790 00:42:21,372 --> 00:42:24,208 "I'll be shitting for days if I eat that lemon." 791 00:42:25,167 --> 00:42:26,585 "Lemon makes you shit?" 792 00:42:29,171 --> 00:42:32,591 "Is that sesame seeds on that bun? Uh-uh. Get it out of here." 793 00:42:34,176 --> 00:42:36,929 "I eat a sesame seed, I'm fucked up for the year." 794 00:42:37,012 --> 00:42:37,846 "What?" 795 00:42:38,639 --> 00:42:40,391 "For the year? Goddamn!" 796 00:42:42,893 --> 00:42:44,395 But getting old is fun. 797 00:42:45,229 --> 00:42:48,941 I can't wait to get, like, to the other side of old age. 798 00:42:49,024 --> 00:42:51,944 It's all about knowing the version of old that you wanna be. 799 00:42:52,027 --> 00:42:53,696 I know the version of old that I wanna be, 800 00:42:53,779 --> 00:42:55,531 and I know the version that I do not wanna be. 801 00:42:55,614 --> 00:42:57,116 I've already had a talk with my family. 802 00:42:57,199 --> 00:42:58,659 If I get to a certain level of old, 803 00:42:58,742 --> 00:43:00,661 I don't wanna live no more. I don't wanna be here. 804 00:43:00,744 --> 00:43:03,330 I don't wanna get to this point where… where I'm like… 805 00:43:03,414 --> 00:43:05,666 Oh… 806 00:43:08,043 --> 00:43:08,877 Oh… 807 00:43:10,296 --> 00:43:12,339 Oh… 808 00:43:13,173 --> 00:43:16,427 Where you always look like somebody called you. Oh… 809 00:43:17,761 --> 00:43:19,847 Oh… Oh… 810 00:43:20,639 --> 00:43:21,890 I don't wanna fucking live. 811 00:43:21,974 --> 00:43:26,020 If I get there, you gotta remind me of all the shit that I used to like. 812 00:43:26,979 --> 00:43:29,773 "Grandpop, you want some pancakes?" "I don't want no pancakes." 813 00:43:29,857 --> 00:43:30,983 "But you love pancakes." 814 00:43:31,066 --> 00:43:32,109 "Oh…" 815 00:43:34,320 --> 00:43:35,362 "Oh…" 816 00:43:35,446 --> 00:43:37,823 "That's right. I do love pancakes." 817 00:43:39,825 --> 00:43:43,203 Take me out back. Shoot me in the fucking head. 818 00:43:45,831 --> 00:43:47,458 I ain't gonna be "oh-ing" people to death. 819 00:43:47,541 --> 00:43:49,335 Oh… Oh… 820 00:43:51,420 --> 00:43:53,422 Somebody go lay that nigga down. 821 00:43:55,591 --> 00:43:58,761 I don't wanna get to that… to that space where I need that pill box. 822 00:43:58,844 --> 00:44:00,387 I don't want that either. 823 00:44:00,471 --> 00:44:03,057 That long-ass pill box with the days of the week on it. 824 00:44:03,140 --> 00:44:04,725 I'd rather fucking die. 825 00:44:05,351 --> 00:44:09,438 I'd rather die than pull that out my pocket at fucking dinner. 826 00:44:10,022 --> 00:44:12,066 "Oh boy. Oh…" 827 00:44:13,525 --> 00:44:15,527 "Anybody know what day it is?" 828 00:44:17,321 --> 00:44:21,492 "Thursday? Oh no. I thought it was Tuesday. Oh!" 829 00:44:22,576 --> 00:44:23,702 Shoot me. 830 00:44:25,996 --> 00:44:27,998 I don't wanna fucking be here. 831 00:44:30,376 --> 00:44:33,170 If I can't blow out my birthday candles on my birthday cake, 832 00:44:33,253 --> 00:44:35,047 I don't wanna fucking be here. 833 00:44:36,131 --> 00:44:38,676 That's the worst shit that you could do to an old person. 834 00:44:38,759 --> 00:44:41,512 Old people turn 83, 85 years old. 835 00:44:41,595 --> 00:44:44,932 You get these big-ass birthday cakes with all these fucking candles on it. 836 00:44:45,015 --> 00:44:47,142 You got 85 candles on a birthday cake. 837 00:44:47,226 --> 00:44:50,312 You come out. "Happy birthday, Grandma. Blow out the candles." 838 00:44:58,320 --> 00:45:00,864 "You can do it, Grandma." No, she can't! 839 00:45:03,409 --> 00:45:07,496 Been here 45 minutes waiting on this bitch to blow these fucking candles out! 840 00:45:08,622 --> 00:45:10,040 Gotta go to work! 841 00:45:12,710 --> 00:45:14,420 "You can do it, Grandma." 842 00:45:16,630 --> 00:45:18,006 I don't wanna fucking be here. 843 00:45:21,093 --> 00:45:24,680 I wanna get to that age where I can say whatever the fuck is on my mind. 844 00:45:25,222 --> 00:45:26,932 That's the old that I wanna be. 845 00:45:27,015 --> 00:45:30,811 There's a certain level of old where you just start saying shit. You don't care. 846 00:45:31,311 --> 00:45:34,398 You're on the other side of life. Some old people have done it right. 847 00:45:34,481 --> 00:45:37,276 You know who did it right? The legend Quincy Jones. 848 00:45:37,359 --> 00:45:40,070 Rest in peace to the legend himself. 849 00:45:40,154 --> 00:45:41,864 Quincy fucking Jones. 850 00:45:43,699 --> 00:45:44,616 Oh my God. 851 00:45:45,909 --> 00:45:48,579 Man, Quincy got old, just started saying shit. 852 00:45:49,997 --> 00:45:53,667 You want some comedy? Watch Quincy Jones's last four or five interviews. 853 00:45:54,376 --> 00:45:55,627 He just starts saying shit. 854 00:45:55,711 --> 00:45:59,047 Shit that had nothing to do with the goddamn questions being asked. 855 00:45:59,590 --> 00:46:02,426 Quincy was on his own time. He was doing his own shit. 856 00:46:03,010 --> 00:46:06,180 I watched an interview. They said, "Quincy, tell us what music means to you." 857 00:46:06,263 --> 00:46:09,558 He said, "I fucked all the Supremes." "Hold on. Wait, what?" 858 00:46:11,018 --> 00:46:13,187 "Jesus Christ, Quincy. What?" 859 00:46:13,771 --> 00:46:15,773 "I don't give a fuck." 860 00:46:16,732 --> 00:46:19,860 "Do you know what 'Supremes' stand for? Supreme pussy. I don't give a fuck." 861 00:46:21,904 --> 00:46:24,990 "I've been doing cocaine for 60 years." "Oh shit!" 862 00:46:27,618 --> 00:46:28,452 "Quincy…" 863 00:46:28,952 --> 00:46:30,954 "Quincy, stop. Stop talking." 864 00:46:32,039 --> 00:46:35,125 "Think I give a fuck? I've got shit that people need to know." 865 00:46:35,918 --> 00:46:37,836 "I know stuff." 866 00:46:39,421 --> 00:46:41,507 "Here's a big one. Stevie Wonder is not blind." 867 00:46:41,590 --> 00:46:43,842 "He been faking it." 868 00:46:44,968 --> 00:46:47,179 "He been faking it this whole time." 869 00:46:47,262 --> 00:46:50,682 "Stevie asked me years ago, 'How can I compete with Ray Charles?'" 870 00:46:50,766 --> 00:46:52,643 "I said, 'Be better at being blind.'" 871 00:46:52,726 --> 00:46:54,978 "You know what Stevie did? That's what he did." 872 00:47:04,488 --> 00:47:07,032 "He can see them keys. He can see them keys." 873 00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:14,331 "He been faking." 874 00:47:15,415 --> 00:47:18,293 "Joe, that's enough. No more, Joe. No more." 875 00:47:21,922 --> 00:47:25,092 "I'm the one who told Joe Jackson to whoop them kids." "Wait. Whoa!" 876 00:47:31,306 --> 00:47:34,685 "He didn't miss a day. He didn't miss a day." 877 00:47:36,103 --> 00:47:39,898 He… "I've got one more, one more." 878 00:47:41,942 --> 00:47:43,652 "I've got one more." 879 00:47:47,155 --> 00:47:48,657 "I'm…" 880 00:47:48,740 --> 00:47:51,535 "I'm the one who bleached Michael's skin. I did it." 881 00:47:52,703 --> 00:47:53,537 I did it. 882 00:47:56,748 --> 00:47:59,710 He said he wanted to go solo. I said, "You ain't gonna make it like that." 883 00:47:59,793 --> 00:48:01,795 "Bleach. I did it!" 884 00:48:13,849 --> 00:48:16,602 That's a… That's a different level of old age. 885 00:48:16,685 --> 00:48:17,728 I wanna get there. 886 00:48:19,646 --> 00:48:21,773 Where you just start saying what the fuck you want. 887 00:48:21,857 --> 00:48:24,318 I'm getting close. 888 00:48:24,401 --> 00:48:25,485 You know, this was a… 889 00:48:25,569 --> 00:48:27,988 This was a joke I didn't know if I was gonna keep it or not. 890 00:48:28,071 --> 00:48:30,949 But I'll tell you. I'll… I'll… I'll fucking put it in. So… 891 00:48:31,033 --> 00:48:33,911 Remember the dinner that I told you guys about, uh, 892 00:48:33,994 --> 00:48:36,371 that I had with my family for my nephew, right? 893 00:48:36,455 --> 00:48:40,000 So at that dinner, we got done eating. The waiter comes out. 894 00:48:40,083 --> 00:48:42,753 True story. Waiter comes out. He goes, "Hey, you guys want dessert?" 895 00:48:42,836 --> 00:48:45,005 My family goes ham. "Hell yeah, we want dessert." 896 00:48:45,088 --> 00:48:47,883 "Give me the sweet potato pie. I want the lemon meringue pie." 897 00:48:47,966 --> 00:48:50,719 "The triple layer chocolate cake. Ooh, give me the red velvet cupcake." 898 00:48:50,802 --> 00:48:53,221 "Oh, fuck that. Give me that apple pie. I'mma taste that." 899 00:48:53,305 --> 00:48:55,974 "I'll taste a bit of yours. Get me the root beer float, extra float." 900 00:48:56,058 --> 00:48:57,976 He said, "Mr. Hart, do you want something?" 901 00:48:58,060 --> 00:49:00,020 I said, "No I'm good. I don't eat sweets." 902 00:49:00,103 --> 00:49:02,856 My uncle got mad. He said, "Look at little Hollywood." 903 00:49:06,818 --> 00:49:09,279 "Look at little Hollywood." 904 00:49:10,656 --> 00:49:12,783 "Are you too good to eat some goddamn sweets 905 00:49:12,866 --> 00:49:14,368 with your fucking family?" 906 00:49:15,077 --> 00:49:17,120 "Because you're Mr. Perfect. Give me one reason 907 00:49:17,204 --> 00:49:19,998 why you can't eat no goddamn sweets with your fucking family." 908 00:49:20,082 --> 00:49:23,210 "Why can't you enjoy dessert with your fucking family?" 909 00:49:23,794 --> 00:49:25,295 I said, "I don't know. 910 00:49:25,379 --> 00:49:27,881 Maybe because there's only a bunch of left feet under the table." 911 00:49:27,965 --> 00:49:30,592 "How about I start there? Huh?" 912 00:49:30,676 --> 00:49:32,594 Think about it. Think about it. 913 00:49:34,012 --> 00:49:36,807 You get it? It's a diabetes joke. 914 00:49:36,890 --> 00:49:38,600 It's a… It's a diabetes joke. 915 00:49:39,142 --> 00:49:42,270 So, in Black families, when they get diabetes, 916 00:49:42,354 --> 00:49:44,439 the first thing they lose is their foot. 917 00:49:44,523 --> 00:49:48,318 So I'm saying if you look under the table, it's only a bunch of left feet 918 00:49:48,402 --> 00:49:51,196 'cause everybody's got their right foot cut off. You get it? 919 00:49:51,279 --> 00:49:52,489 Yeah? 920 00:49:54,533 --> 00:49:56,451 See, the beauty of the joke isn't the joke. 921 00:49:56,535 --> 00:49:58,537 The joke is actually finding a white person 922 00:49:58,620 --> 00:50:01,540 that's confused after I say it. 923 00:50:03,792 --> 00:50:07,212 "The fuck are they cutting off this goddamn family's feet for?" 924 00:50:08,839 --> 00:50:11,633 She was so confused. "Wait, what? What?" 925 00:50:15,512 --> 00:50:17,431 I don't know if I can keep it, though. 926 00:50:18,432 --> 00:50:19,808 I don't know if I can keep the joke 927 00:50:19,891 --> 00:50:22,602 because my uncle… my uncle really does have one foot. 928 00:50:23,645 --> 00:50:26,398 He does. And I know I'mma have to see him again, 929 00:50:26,481 --> 00:50:27,941 he's gonna have an attitude. 930 00:50:29,609 --> 00:50:32,112 "Oh, you're a real funny nigga, ain't you, Kevin?" 931 00:50:34,448 --> 00:50:37,200 "You're a real funny nigga, ain't you, Kevin?" 932 00:50:38,827 --> 00:50:40,787 "Give me one reason why I shouldn't come over there 933 00:50:40,871 --> 00:50:43,165 and put my goddamn foot in your ass right now!" 934 00:50:54,092 --> 00:50:56,344 He just got his leg cut off. It just happened. 935 00:50:57,095 --> 00:50:59,806 I can tell that he hasn't fully processed it yet 936 00:51:00,432 --> 00:51:03,143 'cause he still says a lot of two-legged shit. He does. 937 00:51:04,269 --> 00:51:05,479 He'd be slipping up. 938 00:51:05,979 --> 00:51:09,733 The comedian in me can't let it slide. I can't fucking let it slide. 939 00:51:10,442 --> 00:51:13,528 We were leaving the house the other day, we got in the car, pulled the car doors. 940 00:51:13,612 --> 00:51:15,697 He was like, "Fuck, it's cold out here. Open the door." 941 00:51:15,781 --> 00:51:16,948 "I'mma run and get my coat." 942 00:51:17,032 --> 00:51:18,825 I said… 943 00:51:23,789 --> 00:51:26,750 "You can hop in there and get your fucking coat." 944 00:51:27,250 --> 00:51:29,086 "You ain't running nowhere." 945 00:51:34,633 --> 00:51:38,136 It's a great opportunity to make sure that you guys all understand 946 00:51:38,220 --> 00:51:40,514 that I threw a lot of connectivity through the set. 947 00:51:40,597 --> 00:51:43,725 I decided to title this set Acting My Age 948 00:51:43,809 --> 00:51:47,729 'cause I wanted to draw attention back to the fucking important side of old age. 949 00:51:47,813 --> 00:51:50,565 I feel like we're in a time now where everybody's trying to get younger. 950 00:51:50,649 --> 00:51:52,609 Everybody's trying to turn back the hands of time. 951 00:51:52,692 --> 00:51:54,611 -Nobody's celebrating the other side. -Yeah! 952 00:51:54,694 --> 00:51:56,113 Old age, let me tell you what it is. 953 00:51:56,196 --> 00:51:59,741 It's the definition of life lived, experience, and wisdom. 954 00:51:59,825 --> 00:52:02,452 Without those things, you don't have the W in life. 955 00:52:02,536 --> 00:52:05,872 That's the W in life. 956 00:52:07,249 --> 00:52:11,044 Also understand old age is a fucking blessing. 957 00:52:11,128 --> 00:52:15,966 It's a… It's an unbelievable blessing 'cause you don't have to get there. 958 00:52:16,049 --> 00:52:17,592 You don't have to get there. 959 00:52:17,676 --> 00:52:21,179 So when you get to 50, 60, 70, 80, 960 00:52:21,263 --> 00:52:22,931 understand, guys, that shit ain't promised. 961 00:52:23,014 --> 00:52:25,433 You're one of the few, the fortunate, and the in-between. 962 00:52:25,517 --> 00:52:28,645 So stand on a pedestal and celebrate your fucking life correctly 963 00:52:28,728 --> 00:52:30,897 when you reach those monumental numbers, okay? 964 00:52:35,402 --> 00:52:37,863 And don't be afraid to stay in your lane. 965 00:52:38,363 --> 00:52:42,701 When you get old as fuck, stay in your old-ass lane. Don't swerve. 966 00:52:42,784 --> 00:52:45,203 Stop swerving. 967 00:52:45,996 --> 00:52:48,707 That's how you get hurt. That's how I broke my dick. Swerving. 968 00:52:48,790 --> 00:52:50,417 Swerving. 969 00:52:51,001 --> 00:52:53,795 I had no business racing that man. No business. 970 00:52:54,629 --> 00:52:57,632 Messed up my whole summer with that fucking race. 971 00:52:57,716 --> 00:52:59,342 Threw my whole summer in the trash. 972 00:52:59,426 --> 00:53:02,345 Me and my family were supposed to take vacations all summer. 973 00:53:02,429 --> 00:53:04,723 We only took one vacation because I injured myself. 974 00:53:04,806 --> 00:53:06,266 We went to Rwanda. 975 00:53:06,766 --> 00:53:10,228 Wanted to take the family to Rwanda because I wanted a new experience. 976 00:53:10,312 --> 00:53:12,272 Something that we could all hold on to. 977 00:53:12,355 --> 00:53:15,108 Something that could give us a little goddamn culture. Right? 978 00:53:15,192 --> 00:53:17,319 An understanding of another environment. 979 00:53:17,402 --> 00:53:20,780 When we go on vacation, the word "no" never exists. We embrace it all. 980 00:53:20,864 --> 00:53:23,241 As soon as we get to Rwanda, the first thing that's suggested, 981 00:53:23,325 --> 00:53:25,827 they said, "You guys have to go gorilla trekking." 982 00:53:25,911 --> 00:53:28,955 "You have to go gorilla trekking." 983 00:53:29,039 --> 00:53:32,000 For those of you here tonight who do not what gorilla trekking is, 984 00:53:32,083 --> 00:53:33,710 I'll do my best to explain it to you. 985 00:53:33,793 --> 00:53:37,255 Gorilla trekking is when you basically go to the jungle 986 00:53:37,339 --> 00:53:40,550 and you discover what seems to be gorilla footprints, 987 00:53:40,634 --> 00:53:44,387 only to follow those footprints to land you in a natural habitat 988 00:53:44,471 --> 00:53:45,805 of real gorillas. 989 00:53:46,306 --> 00:53:49,267 When they said it, I said, "Fuck it. I don't care. I'll do it." 990 00:53:49,768 --> 00:53:53,480 The reason why is because, in my mind, I was like, "There has to be glass." 991 00:53:53,563 --> 00:53:55,148 Right? 992 00:53:56,608 --> 00:53:58,401 There has to be glass. 993 00:53:58,485 --> 00:54:01,196 I've never been around gorillas and there hasn't been glass. 994 00:54:01,279 --> 00:54:02,364 There has to be glass. 995 00:54:03,698 --> 00:54:06,159 They said, "Kevin, your younger kids can't go." 996 00:54:06,243 --> 00:54:08,620 So it was me, my wife, and my two teenagers. 997 00:54:08,703 --> 00:54:10,205 We're now with two other groups. 998 00:54:10,288 --> 00:54:12,165 There's one white family of four, 999 00:54:12,249 --> 00:54:14,417 and there's another white group of friends of four. 1000 00:54:14,501 --> 00:54:15,919 It's a total of 12 of us. 1001 00:54:16,419 --> 00:54:18,588 To get to the jungle, you gotta hike through the park. 1002 00:54:18,672 --> 00:54:22,259 The park turns into the jungle. This is a true story. 1003 00:54:22,342 --> 00:54:25,136 When we arrived at the jungle, soldiers joined us. 1004 00:54:25,220 --> 00:54:28,390 They got AK-47s, machine guns. They're wearing tactical gear. 1005 00:54:28,473 --> 00:54:31,184 They had the motherfucking handguns strapped to their legs. 1006 00:54:31,268 --> 00:54:33,895 Naturally, when I see this, I have questions. 1007 00:54:33,979 --> 00:54:36,523 "Excuse me." 1008 00:54:36,606 --> 00:54:39,693 "Excuse me. What's going on? Why are they here?" 1009 00:54:39,776 --> 00:54:41,027 "What's about to happen?" 1010 00:54:41,111 --> 00:54:44,072 He said, "Oh, they're here just in case the gorillas get out of line, 1011 00:54:44,155 --> 00:54:45,407 and we gotta put 'em down." 1012 00:54:50,495 --> 00:54:52,372 "When you say-- Like, what do they do? Do they…" 1013 00:54:52,455 --> 00:54:55,458 "Do they smack the glass? What do they do? Do they--" 1014 00:54:55,542 --> 00:54:56,918 "Can they break the glass?" 1015 00:54:58,420 --> 00:55:01,923 Nobody answers me, so I assume the things I'm saying are correct. 1016 00:55:02,007 --> 00:55:05,885 We're now joined by a tour guide. Tour guide's name was Antoine. 1017 00:55:05,969 --> 00:55:09,431 Antoine is a man that has dedicated his life 1018 00:55:09,514 --> 00:55:11,057 to understanding gorillas. 1019 00:55:11,141 --> 00:55:13,768 He knows gorillas inside and out, top to bottom. 1020 00:55:13,852 --> 00:55:18,189 Antoine is a Black man that I do not want white people to find out about. 1021 00:55:19,441 --> 00:55:20,900 Antoine was the closest thing 1022 00:55:20,984 --> 00:55:23,069 to a human gorilla I've ever seen in my fucking life. 1023 00:55:23,153 --> 00:55:27,115 Now, when I say it, it sounds crazy at first, but I'll explain why. 1024 00:55:27,615 --> 00:55:28,783 Antoine was responsible 1025 00:55:28,867 --> 00:55:32,412 for telling us what we need to do when we encounter the actual gorilla. 1026 00:55:32,495 --> 00:55:35,790 This is Antoine's exact words. This is exactly what he said to us. 1027 00:55:36,333 --> 00:55:38,001 He goes, "Okay, listen up." 1028 00:55:38,585 --> 00:55:39,919 "Rule number one…" 1029 00:55:40,003 --> 00:55:43,590 "Rule number one. You must not look the gorilla in the eye." 1030 00:55:44,090 --> 00:55:47,093 "If the gorilla looks at you, you look down. You submit." 1031 00:55:47,594 --> 00:55:50,013 "You submit to the gorilla because you have no power." 1032 00:55:50,096 --> 00:55:52,515 "The gorilla has the power. You have no power." 1033 00:55:52,599 --> 00:55:55,852 "You are powerless compared to the gorilla. You look down." 1034 00:55:55,935 --> 00:55:59,314 "Show the gorilla that he has the power and that you have no power." 1035 00:55:59,397 --> 00:56:01,358 "You are powerless." 1036 00:56:03,526 --> 00:56:04,694 "Rule number two." 1037 00:56:05,278 --> 00:56:07,614 "You must become one with the gorilla." 1038 00:56:08,281 --> 00:56:10,992 "You must do what the gorilla does." 1039 00:56:11,493 --> 00:56:14,913 He starts morphing into a fucking gorilla in real time. 1040 00:56:24,005 --> 00:56:26,091 I can't believe what the fuck I'm witnessing right now. 1041 00:56:27,467 --> 00:56:30,053 I'm getting irritated 'cause this Black man is acting like a gorilla 1042 00:56:30,136 --> 00:56:32,555 in front of these fucking white people. I'm getting pissed. 1043 00:56:33,932 --> 00:56:37,185 And the white people were taking notes. They were writing shit down. 1044 00:56:37,769 --> 00:56:39,979 I got mad. I said, "Bitch, what the fuck you writing down?" 1045 00:56:40,063 --> 00:56:42,023 She shushed me. "Shh. Pay attention." 1046 00:56:42,107 --> 00:56:44,943 "Bitch, I'll knock your ass out. Don't tell me to pay attention." 1047 00:56:45,026 --> 00:56:48,530 "What the fuck are you writing down in that book?" Antoine keeps going… 1048 00:56:51,116 --> 00:56:53,034 He's jumping up and down, smacking the ground. 1049 00:56:53,118 --> 00:56:54,411 Pow! Pow! 1050 00:56:54,494 --> 00:56:57,831 When he gets done, he looks at my son. He goes, "Now you try." 1051 00:56:59,916 --> 00:57:03,294 I said… I said, "He will do no such fucking thing!" 1052 00:57:05,672 --> 00:57:08,550 "I'm not about to have my son acting like no goddamn gorilla 1053 00:57:08,633 --> 00:57:11,136 in front of these white people, so you can fuck up his life 1054 00:57:11,219 --> 00:57:12,679 like they did them Jordan boys." 1055 00:57:12,762 --> 00:57:14,681 "You're not gonna do that to my goddamn son." 1056 00:57:16,599 --> 00:57:18,643 "You're not gonna do that to my goddamn son!" 1057 00:57:20,728 --> 00:57:22,439 He said, "Suit yourself." 1058 00:57:22,522 --> 00:57:23,940 "Suit yourself." 1059 00:57:24,023 --> 00:57:27,819 He runs to a tree, bites the bark off the tree. 1060 00:57:29,696 --> 00:57:32,740 He starts licking the sugar underneath. 1061 00:57:32,824 --> 00:57:35,994 He says, "The gorillas love sugar. You, too, must love sugar." 1062 00:57:36,661 --> 00:57:38,997 He grabs a scoop of eucalyptus out of the bushes. 1063 00:57:39,080 --> 00:57:41,249 He starts rubbing eucalyptus all over his body. 1064 00:57:41,332 --> 00:57:43,334 He says, "The gorillas love the smell of eucalyptus." 1065 00:57:43,418 --> 00:57:46,087 "You, too, must smell like eucalyptus." 1066 00:57:46,171 --> 00:57:47,755 "Now, we trek." 1067 00:57:47,839 --> 00:57:50,550 He takes off, runs in the fucking jungle. 1068 00:57:54,512 --> 00:57:55,513 Fuck! 1069 00:57:57,640 --> 00:58:00,602 Because we've gotta follow him. We gotta fucking follow him. 1070 00:58:01,686 --> 00:58:05,899 We're trekking in the jungle. Hand on the Bible. This is a true story. 1071 00:58:07,150 --> 00:58:10,361 Fifteen, twenty minutes into the trek, he stops. He goes, "Stop." 1072 00:58:10,862 --> 00:58:12,030 His exact words… 1073 00:58:12,614 --> 00:58:15,825 "They're here." 1074 00:58:24,918 --> 00:58:27,086 I said… 1075 00:58:27,170 --> 00:58:30,006 "Where's the glass? Where do I get behind the glass?" 1076 00:58:32,258 --> 00:58:33,635 "Where's the glass?" 1077 00:58:35,428 --> 00:58:37,847 People, I turned to my goddamn left. 1078 00:58:37,931 --> 00:58:41,851 About seven to nine female gorillas come out the goddamn bushes. 1079 00:58:41,935 --> 00:58:44,062 They're on two legs. These motherfuckers are walking. 1080 00:58:44,145 --> 00:58:45,730 They are walking out. 1081 00:58:45,813 --> 00:58:49,025 I ain't never seen no shit like it. Immediately, I submitted. 1082 00:58:49,108 --> 00:58:50,026 I put my hand up. 1083 00:58:50,109 --> 00:58:51,528 I hit the ground. I submit. 1084 00:58:52,529 --> 00:58:53,780 I submit. 1085 00:58:54,614 --> 00:58:57,825 Antoine tried to pick me up. He said, "Kevin, get up, get up, get up." 1086 00:58:57,909 --> 00:59:01,746 I said, "No. Get the fuck off me. I have no power. They have the power." 1087 00:59:01,829 --> 00:59:03,122 "I have no power." 1088 00:59:03,623 --> 00:59:06,459 "I am powerless. They have the power." 1089 00:59:07,961 --> 00:59:12,257 I look this way, my wife, dumbass, has got the phone out with the flash on. 1090 00:59:12,340 --> 00:59:15,677 She's trying to get video. She's trying to get footage. 1091 00:59:15,760 --> 00:59:18,012 I hit her. "Bitch, get down." 1092 00:59:18,096 --> 00:59:19,764 "Get down. Submit." 1093 00:59:19,847 --> 00:59:23,226 "We have no power. They have the power. We are powerless." 1094 00:59:24,352 --> 00:59:27,730 Now it's like 15 of them. It's like fucking 15. 1095 00:59:27,814 --> 00:59:31,359 A whole goddamn family. A bunch of nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles. 1096 00:59:31,442 --> 00:59:34,445 These motherfuckers are walking around, and we're in the middle of this. 1097 00:59:34,529 --> 00:59:36,155 It's all happening so fast. 1098 00:59:36,239 --> 00:59:38,074 One of the gorillas touched my forehead. 1099 00:59:38,157 --> 00:59:40,827 He didn't hit me, but he pulled my forehead back, 1100 00:59:40,910 --> 00:59:44,080 and made my eyes open up wider than they ever have in my life. Like… 1101 00:59:44,163 --> 00:59:46,457 I had so much fucking white in my eyes. 1102 00:59:47,166 --> 00:59:49,419 And when I… When I did it, I could see the soldier. 1103 00:59:49,502 --> 00:59:50,545 The soldier is right here. 1104 00:59:50,628 --> 00:59:54,299 I said, "Shoot it! Like, what the fuck are you doing, man?" 1105 00:59:55,883 --> 00:59:57,427 "Shoot it!" 1106 00:59:58,303 --> 01:00:00,888 "This is clearly a fucking attack. It's an attack!" 1107 01:00:02,557 --> 01:00:04,350 He's trying to fucking rip my forehead off. 1108 01:00:04,434 --> 01:00:05,643 I don't know what he's doing. 1109 01:00:08,313 --> 01:00:09,522 All the gorillas keep playing. 1110 01:00:09,606 --> 01:00:11,524 They're roughhousing the shit. We're watching it. 1111 01:00:11,608 --> 01:00:13,735 For no reason, they all get up at the same time. 1112 01:00:13,818 --> 01:00:17,113 They run in the jungle. Antoine stands up. He's so excited. 1113 01:00:17,196 --> 01:00:20,658 He goes, "Isn't it beautiful? Isn't it beautiful?" 1114 01:00:20,742 --> 01:00:23,286 "The life of the gorilla, live, in person." 1115 01:00:23,369 --> 01:00:27,081 "Now, we track the gorilla so we can see the way the gorilla lives." 1116 01:00:27,165 --> 01:00:28,583 "We follow the gorilla." 1117 01:00:30,168 --> 01:00:31,836 I said, "Fuck you, man. No." 1118 01:00:33,087 --> 01:00:36,549 "I'm not following no fucking gorillas. No! I'm going back." 1119 01:00:36,633 --> 01:00:39,594 "Me and my family are going back, and I wanna take a soldier with me 1120 01:00:39,677 --> 01:00:42,513 that's not afraid to do his job, unlike this bitch." 1121 01:00:42,597 --> 01:00:45,058 "You're a bitch. Yes, you are." 1122 01:00:45,141 --> 01:00:47,518 "You're a bitch. He tried to rip my fucking forehead off!" 1123 01:00:50,021 --> 01:00:52,273 He says, "Kevin, no. You must finish the trek." 1124 01:00:52,357 --> 01:00:53,775 "You must finish the trek." 1125 01:00:53,858 --> 01:00:55,568 I said, "No, I'm going back." 1126 01:00:55,652 --> 01:00:59,697 He goes, "Oh no. The boss." I said, "Good. I wanna talk to your fucking boss." 1127 01:00:59,781 --> 01:01:02,784 "I don't like the way you've treated us since we've been here." 1128 01:01:02,867 --> 01:01:05,203 Hand on the Bible, people. I turned to my left. 1129 01:01:05,286 --> 01:01:09,332 A real-life silverback gorilla appears from the same goddamn bushes. 1130 01:01:09,415 --> 01:01:12,251 Oh my God. When I say a real-life silverback gorilla, 1131 01:01:12,335 --> 01:01:14,879 I'm talking about a real nigga. All chest, no legs. 1132 01:01:14,962 --> 01:01:18,174 All chest, no legs. 1133 01:01:18,675 --> 01:01:21,844 This gorilla ain't ever did legs. All chest. 1134 01:01:23,137 --> 01:01:26,516 If a gorilla went to the penitentiary, he would look like this. 1135 01:01:26,599 --> 01:01:29,102 I ain't never seen no shit like this. 1136 01:01:29,185 --> 01:01:31,604 He came out, touched a tree. The tree just fell. 1137 01:01:31,688 --> 01:01:33,356 Bow! The tree's on the ground. 1138 01:01:33,940 --> 01:01:35,692 People, I can't believe 1139 01:01:35,775 --> 01:01:38,778 that I'm in arms distance of a real-life silverback gorilla. 1140 01:01:38,861 --> 01:01:41,280 I'm actually in awe of the fucking moment. 1141 01:01:41,364 --> 01:01:44,450 Everybody else is on the ground. Everybody else has submitted. 1142 01:01:44,534 --> 01:01:47,286 I'm the only one standing up, looking at the fucking silverback. 1143 01:01:47,370 --> 01:01:49,706 The only thing that snapped me out of it was my son. 1144 01:01:49,789 --> 01:01:51,374 My son tapped my leg twice. 1145 01:01:51,457 --> 01:01:53,167 I turn around. 1146 01:01:53,251 --> 01:01:54,210 My son said… 1147 01:01:54,293 --> 01:01:57,046 "Bye, Dad." I said, "What the f…" 1148 01:01:59,882 --> 01:02:03,094 "The fuck you mean, 'Bye, Dad'? What?" Oh my God. 1149 01:02:03,970 --> 01:02:06,556 Oh my God. It dawned on me. 1150 01:02:06,639 --> 01:02:08,391 I'm breaking rule number one. 1151 01:02:08,474 --> 01:02:12,103 Rule number one was, "Do not look the silverback in the eye." 1152 01:02:12,186 --> 01:02:14,814 I'm looking this silverback dead in the fucking eye. 1153 01:02:15,898 --> 01:02:17,066 Now I'm scared. 1154 01:02:17,734 --> 01:02:19,736 I'm scared. I don't know what to fucking do. 1155 01:02:19,819 --> 01:02:22,321 So I turn and talk to Antoine, so Antoine can tell me what to do. 1156 01:02:22,405 --> 01:02:25,867 When I turn around to talk to Antoine, Antoine was gone. 1157 01:02:25,950 --> 01:02:27,452 Antoine… 1158 01:02:27,535 --> 01:02:31,164 Antoine was running with the best form I've ever seen in my fucking life. 1159 01:02:31,247 --> 01:02:33,583 He had his fingers closed up to perfection. 1160 01:02:33,666 --> 01:02:35,668 This motherfucker was hitting that bitch. 1161 01:02:37,336 --> 01:02:40,423 He was chopping that wind like a piece of cake. You hear me? 1162 01:02:41,924 --> 01:02:45,511 At this point, I don't know what to do. At this point, it is what it is. 1163 01:02:45,595 --> 01:02:47,513 I'm looking at the silverback. Silverback's looking at me. 1164 01:02:47,597 --> 01:02:50,099 Let me tell you something. I've never been a bitch. 1165 01:02:50,183 --> 01:02:53,728 I'm not gonna start being a bitch today. It is what the fuck it is. 1166 01:02:53,811 --> 01:02:57,273 While I'm looking at the silverback, he decided to bang on me. He said… 1167 01:02:59,025 --> 01:03:00,318 Let me tell you what this means. 1168 01:03:00,401 --> 01:03:01,944 When a silverback hits their chest, 1169 01:03:02,028 --> 01:03:04,113 that's the way they let you know how strong they are. 1170 01:03:04,197 --> 01:03:07,158 That's how they gauge who's stronger before they fight. 1171 01:03:07,241 --> 01:03:09,577 Here's another piece of information. When silverbacks fight, 1172 01:03:09,660 --> 01:03:12,413 whichever silverback loses the fight, loses everything. 1173 01:03:12,497 --> 01:03:14,874 You lose your wife and your kids. 1174 01:03:14,957 --> 01:03:18,419 You lose a fight as a silverback, you gotta walk in the jungle with nothing. 1175 01:03:18,503 --> 01:03:22,089 You gotta figure fucking life out. You don't have anything. Right? 1176 01:03:22,173 --> 01:03:24,967 That's why he had so many kids and all of them goddamn wives. 1177 01:03:25,051 --> 01:03:27,678 He done whooped that many silverbacks ass. He done did it. 1178 01:03:28,262 --> 01:03:30,181 Now this is a question. It's a question for y'all. 1179 01:03:30,264 --> 01:03:32,600 Don't answer it now. Answer later on your own time. 1180 01:03:33,184 --> 01:03:36,646 Is that really a loss? Like, if we fight… Right? Listen. 1181 01:03:36,729 --> 01:03:41,025 If we fight and I lose, you're saying that you gotta take my wife and my kids, 1182 01:03:41,108 --> 01:03:43,986 and you go that way, and I get to go this way for free. 1183 01:03:44,070 --> 01:03:46,447 Is that what you're saying? 1184 01:03:46,531 --> 01:03:48,449 'Cause it doesn't sound like a loss. 1185 01:03:48,533 --> 01:03:51,828 Okay. So, I'm looking at the silverback. He's looking at me. 1186 01:03:51,911 --> 01:03:55,039 It is what the fuck it is. I'm like, okay. I'm not gonna bang on my chest back. 1187 01:03:55,122 --> 01:03:58,000 If I do, he's gonna know I'm a bitch. I'm not about to do that. 1188 01:03:58,084 --> 01:04:00,586 So I did what any other man would do if they were in my shoes. 1189 01:04:00,670 --> 01:04:03,506 There's not a man in this room that wouldn't have done exactly what I did 1190 01:04:03,589 --> 01:04:04,632 if you were in my position. 1191 01:04:04,715 --> 01:04:08,135 I looked that silverback dead in the eye, and I did everything Antoine said. I said… 1192 01:04:11,722 --> 01:04:13,474 I jumped up. I smacked the ground. 1193 01:04:13,558 --> 01:04:15,393 I ran to the tree. I bit the bark off. 1194 01:04:15,476 --> 01:04:17,603 I grabbed the eucalyptus, rubbed it in my ass. 1195 01:04:17,687 --> 01:04:21,107 The only reason why I'm telling you all of this is because I know for a fact 1196 01:04:21,190 --> 01:04:24,026 them white people taped the whole thing. They got it all on tape. 1197 01:04:24,694 --> 01:04:27,154 It's a matter of time before this shit hits the Internet, 1198 01:04:27,238 --> 01:04:29,156 but I wanted y'all to hear it from me first. 1199 01:04:29,240 --> 01:04:30,408 So you understand that I did 1200 01:04:30,491 --> 01:04:32,201 what the fuck I had to do to save my family, 1201 01:04:32,285 --> 01:04:34,328 and I learned a valuable lesson that day. 1202 01:04:34,412 --> 01:04:37,415 And that lesson that I learned is that I should've took the other dick pill. 1203 01:04:37,498 --> 01:04:39,709 I should've went with the Silverback 45 Pro. 1204 01:04:39,792 --> 01:04:43,170 It's a stronger dick pill. And, Miami, you guys are a strong crowd. 1205 01:04:43,254 --> 01:04:46,173 Thank you so much for joining me. 1206 01:04:46,257 --> 01:04:49,385 My name is Kevin Hart, and I love you. Good night.