HE SIGHS
- Michael! Hello, Michael! - Jesus, don't do that!
You cannot sleep.
I'm stressed about tomorrow... Today.
Why are you even switched on?
Sue leaves me on for home security.
Ugh, she doesn't need to do that any more, I'm here.
You are... depressed.
Would you like to talk?
- To you? - Talking improves mental health.
Well...
My marriage is over, my wife is pregnant with another man,
I've moved back in with my mum, and every job I go for,
they either want someone younger and more qualified,
or AI can do it for free.
I mean...
I mean, I feel completely...
What's the word?
Outmoded, defunct,
- useless, antiquated... - Yeah, OK. Just shut up.
Music might help elevate your mood.
♪ If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe
♪ I'd been married long time ago
♪ Where did you come from, where did you go
♪ Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe? ♪
Are you feeling better? MUSIC CONTINUES
OK, so who watched Strictly this week?
- - We did!
Sh! Terrific, so you all know the winning dance was the slow,
the sensual...
...rumba!
Oh, no...
Don't worry, we don't have to do the intimate hold positions.
Now, everyone, partner up and let's have some fun!
Oh, bloody hell!
MUSIC STARTS Why are we here, Linda?
- Because it is on, and it is free. - Oh...
I suppose we should get divorced.
Are you certain this baby can't be yours?
Like, 10,000% certain?
The urologist said I might as well have given them
- a sample of wood glue. - That's a bit rude.
I think she wanted to do stand-up.
When we first got back together, Professor Chris
and I had break-up sex one last time.
That was the last time we did it.
I really did want to make a go of it with you.
Oh, my God! He's moved in!
He had to. He's totally broke.
- Really? - Yeah, Lola served him with divorce papers.
- She's taking everything. - Ah... Awesome.
Well, I guess you finally got what you wanted all along.
I used to think it was what I wanted.
In the gym, he's a God.
But outside of the gym...
- He's an idiot? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Ah, hey, Mike.
Ha!
You want some chicken, Mike?
No, thank you.
Sorry about all this.
Getting my wife pregnant...
Yeah.
Not cool.
MACHINE RATTLES LOUDLY
Do you consume everything raw?
Cooking it just kills all the nutrients, my man.
Huh! How are you holding up, Mike?
- You know... - Lola's already back on the dating apps.
Can you believe that?
At least you're devastated, you look terrible.
I'm doing OK.
Yeah, but you're not back on the dating apps, though, are you?
For God's sake!
Yes. I am.
- What? - Yeah. All the apps.
Having fun, getting tons of...
- ...pusseh. - Yes!
You enjoy yourself, brother.
Bring it in.
- What is happening? - It's just the natural order, babe.
We're males.
The bull has horns
and the lion's gotta roar... GLUGS AND BELCHES
Anyway, good to see you, take care, Mike.
Do I either of you have to use the bathroom in the next...30 minutes?
I'm good.
Oh, God...
Oh, um, post.
It's mainly... Robot Linda stuff.
- Why don't you just give Linda back? - I am.
Oh, my God, I'd love to have been there when you told them.
What did you say -
"Hey, Mum, sorry I'm going to give back your robot girlfriend.
"You're gonna have to date the air fryer instead!"
RENEE LAUGHS Maybe I should do stand-up.
I haven't told Mum yet.
I need to choose my moment,
before they collect her...
...tomorrow.
MUSIC PLAYS Box step, slow.
Quick, quick, slow.
Slow, quick, quick, slow.
Hi, Sue!
Hi, Tom!
Now, remember, people, it's all in the hips! In the hips!
Yes! Excellent, Linda! LAUGHTER
OK, great work, everyone, but we are sadly out of time!
Thank, Christ.
Now, remember, we do dance classes here every day.
And don't forget to put your names down,
because tomorrow we're doing street dance, bitches!
LAUGHTER Yes!
Thank God you didn't put my name down for that one...
Oh, no!
- Why? - Street dance celebrates self expression and resisting oppression.
I mean, why all this arranging stuff?
- It's too much. - Sue, you are correct.
Attending dance will not leave enough preparation time
- for your dinner party. - What dinner party?
Bye, Sue, bye, Linda.
Are you OK, Tom?
No, I got carried away.
I should have warmed up more.
You have strained your adductor muscles.
I can administer sports massage when we get home.
Oh, nice one.
Salting the meat overnight tenderises it
and concentrates flavour.
I've never done it before and it's always tasted fine.
The cassoulet is an iconic French dish that is a lot of preparation.
If the French had spent more time fighting the Nazis
than they do preparing cassoulet, we might not have had World War II.
That is incorrect.
World War II started when Germany invaded Poland.
MOBILE VIBRATES
Who's this? Is it Michael?
Oh...
No.
- Hello? Sue Bevan speaking. - Who is it, Sue?
The bank. Yes? Oh, really?
Well, good job you're running security checks.
Yes, yes, I'll give you my details.
ALARM SOUNDS Scammers detected!
- Hang up, hang up! - Oh!
My phone!
I am designed to alert you to frauds, scams, misleading deals.
- Hi, Mum. - Oh, Michael. How did it go?
Actually, not that bad. Linda, make a pot of tea.
- Please. - Do you want me to ask the fridge to please keep the food cold?
Hey, dishwasher, please wash the dishes.
They're machines. What are you doing to that chicken?
It's French. It was Linda's idea,
she's invited Guy and Tom and Eileen and Phyllis.
Who's Tim and Ben and Eileen and Francis?
- They're my friends. - But you never have people over.
Well, I'm hosting a dinner party.
- You're "hosting a dinner party"?! - Yes.
Who do you think you are, Downton Abbey?!
Sue, I believe that Michael thinks Downton Abbey is the character name.
Yeah... Darling, Abbey isn't short for Abigail.
I'm Downton Abigail. SUE AND LINDA LAUGH
Hello, I'm Westminster Abigail. MIKE FORCED LAUGHTER
Linda, yeah, guess what, I'm sending you back.
Ugh...
Mum, come and sit down...
I got Linda when I thought you were going to be alone.
But I'm home now.
We don't need her any more.
Linda does so many things.
Yeah, I... I can do what Linda does.
You've got your own life to lead.
Not really.
I know this sounds silly...
It does sound silly. I can't keep up the repayments.
I guess I could go back to drug trials...
No!
What will happen to Linda?
She'll go to a new owner that really needs her,
someone who hasn't got their son living at home
that who can do all this crap for free!
- When? - They can pick her up tomorrow.
Oh, so soon?
It's just going to be exactly how it was.
It's going to be... you and me.
I-I thought that's what you wanted.
- Sue, have you taken your heart tablet? - Yep.
You are low on reflux medication.
Right, well, thanks for telling me.
Michael has suggested switching me off overnight, as he is home now.
Oh... I suppose he's right.
Goodnight, Sue.
Goodnight, Linda.
Linda... off.
MOBILE CAMERA SNAPS
The bloody menopause?
Bollocks. MOBILE JINGLE
Linda, come down.
They'll be here in a minute.
Coming, Michael.
Is Sue back yet?
Nah.
These are Sue's onward care instructions.
They outline diet, exercise, medicine, and...
I do know what I'm doing!
I was fine before I got you.
- Why are you taking pictures with books you have not read? - I...
I signed up to a dating app last night, everyone looks really hot,
I just need a better picture...
Would you like me to try?
Yeah, sure.
Hang on, hang on.
Wait, whoa, hang on. Just...
- Stop pulling that face. - That's just my face.
Stop smiling.
Wow, that's really good.
Could you make my jaw a little squarer?
A-A little more.
A little more?
- Little more... - This does not look like you any more.
Everyone does it.
No-one's as good looking as their photo. It's a thing.
Hey, could you write a profile for me as well?
Why not try something upbeat, like...
- Yup. - ..."I love good company, a good book, and even better...
- Tits. - "..coffee."
Coffee.
Sue benefits from activities, social gatherings
- and changes to her routine. - Yeah, I know.
She will complain and resist, this is rooted in depression.
- Mum doesn't have depression. - Sue is still grieving.
I made this week very busy
because it is her 50th wedding anniversary today.
- DATING APP JINGLE - Hey, Linda, someone responded!
What if she wants to meet up?!
What shall we do? I'll just say "whatever you wanna do", yeah?
No.
Say you have an already existing activity planned and invite her.
Then if she declines...
It looks like I've got a really interesting life,
instead of lying in bed all day!
That is so smart! CAR HORN TOOTS
Damn, they're here.
Just when I found a use for you.
Where is Sue?
- Oh, Mum... - Is she still here? Oh, Linda...
I... Um... I got you a little goodbye present.
OK, now you've completely lost your mind.
I know you'll be going to a nice new home,
and you'll forget all about us, and me and everything, but...
I just wanted to thank you
um... for everything.
And I've got...
...that for you.
I have never been inside a frame before.
SUE CHUCKLES Linda! It's time.
- I have also left a gift for you. - Oh...
Goodbye, Sue.
Goodbye.
Yeah, well, happens a lot, you know.
Repairs, finances change, first thing to go is the robot.
You... do know you're gonna get a penalty fare
for cancelling the contract?
- That's fine. - Yeah?
OK, well, yeah, this all looks fine. In you go.
Michael, a job.
Good job?
Well, it's back-breaking labour and I do have to work holidays,
but at least the pay's shit.
OK, I'm going to need you to sign here, here and here.
So what next? Linda gets repurposed for a new family?
No, it's getting too hard to get spare parts for these old models.
They're actually worth more for their metals now.
She's going to be destroyed?
Yep.
I mean, it was a good model but they're obsolete now...
You've missed a bit. One more signature.
That was the word.
"Obsolete".
Well, I er...
I actually did my PhD in how Chaucer used language of the body
to critique 14th century gender norms.
OK. Well... better get these robots to the scrapyard.
Er, thanks.
ENGINE STARTS
Hello, I am Linda.
My owner was Sue.
We went camping and we went to a rumba class
and we went on a roller-coaster.
- - Ah!
I don't think I'll do that French recipe.
Too much preparation.
It is pretty stupid.
We're not even French.
Just do a roast, Mum, your roast slaps!
Thank you. I will do a roast.
You've done it the same, every single time,
for as long as I can remember.
What's this?
- Hmm? - This. - Oh, that. It's just something Linda left.
- MOBILE ALERT - I've got to walk you or something.
MOBILE ALERT
Love, if you've got time, could you pick up my reflux meds?
I'd better start cooking.
Sure... Hey, Mum, Mum, Mum...
Guess what, I've got a date!
Date?
Don't you think that's a bit soon?
Mum, it's just the natural order of things.
I'm no different from a lion or a cow.
A bull... A bull!
I'm no different from a bull.
I spy with my little eye, something beginning with...
L.
- - Lower Safety Locking Hydraulic Lift Pin.
It is more fun if you keep guessing...
- You're late. - Sorry... Traffic.
- What seems to be the issue? - Please, please, don't do this Jeffrey.
Please, I love you. I can change!
I selected an IQ of 80-100 and it keeps resetting to 140 plus!
Why would I want her to have an IQ of 140 plus?!
Did you go into settings
and try to manually reset the IQ to "Below Average"?
Of course I have! Repeatedly!
And you fed all this back to customer support?
Yes!
I will never forget you, Jeffrey, you're the love of my life!
Goodbye, Jeffrey, my love!
Hi, I'm Melody.
- - Hello, Melody.
MUSIC PLAYS
Um... Sal?
You're kidding.
- What make of robot are you? - I'm a Romance Robot.
Or Ro-Robot.
Top of the line, baby!
Cute photo.
I've never been on a roller-coaster.
Perhaps you will go to a new person,
who will take you on a roller-coaster.
Intercourse robots can't be resold.
Then what is your destination?
To be dismantled.
We're all going to be dismantled.
Michael and Sue have been misled.
We're all being sold for our metals.
Michael and Sue think I am to be repurposed.
I'd forgotten, here's the gravy.
Ooh, wow!
Sue, this doesn't taste like your usual roast.
I salted it overnight. Do you like it?
Yeah.
It was Linda's idea,
she actually had this whole French cuisine thing planned,
for today.
Oh...
- Are you going to get another one? - Doubt it.
- Well, you could always get a boy robot... - Ooh-hoo!
At first, I didn't like having a boy robot,
but now I just love that we get to do man stuff,
like shopping for vintage bowties,
and we're going to this Michael Bubbles party...
Michael Buble concert.
Here, one of my customers said Michael Buble wears a wig.
I think it was Michael Buble. Or was it Michael Douglas?
Which one is the basketballer?
Brian, what time are you thinking of going home?
I only popped in to say hi and have a bit of a tipple.
Four glasses of wine is a tipple?
Well, I probably should be getting back to work.
Those taxis don't drive themselves, do they?
Well, actually they do now.
Well, everyone. I have news.
A little birdie tells me that Jeffrey
and his new squeeze have split!
- Oh... - He always comes home.
- You're going to take him back? - Of course I am.
I don't want to be all alone at my age.
Did anyone see that story about the MRI?
- No. - No?
Yeah, there was an oxygen tank in the room,
so when they switched the machine on,
it went flying across the room and decapitated the patient.
Chopped her head clean off.
CAR DOOR God, no.
I didn't hear that story.
And get this, Sue - when they did the autopsy,
they realised she didn't need an MRI in the first place!
- Hello, Michael. - - Hi, Michael.
Michael, say hi to everyone.
Hi, everyone. Hi...
How was your date?
Stupid.
I'm done with women.
They're just shallow.
Being beautiful means nothing, if your personality is ugly!
You guys are lucky that you're gay.
Eh?
Did you manage to get my reflux meds?
I'll do it tomorrow.
Tomorrow is Sunday.
Then I'll do it on Monday.
This chicken tastes weird!
I salted it overnight.
I prefer it the old way.
- I thought it was rather nice. - Nah, the old way is better.
No.
No, it's not.
Sue must know she has been misled.
Shit!
Not again!
Stop!
Stop! Stop!
I command you... I command you to stop!
HEAVY ENGINE NOISE
Will you please stop zig-zagging?
SUE SIGHS
Happy anniversary, love.
- - Hello, love, it's me,
your... dead husband, Dave.
Linda has my voice in her database,
so she can use it to say "happy 50th anniversary" from me.
I wish I were there to celebrate, but I'm not
because... I'm dead.
I don't know where I am now,
as there's no verifiable data on that.
But there are things I do know.
I know that you love me very much,
I know you still do,
and I know how brave you are,
doing this part without me.
- - Come down. They'll be here in a minute.
Coming, Michael.
I have to go now, Sue.
I picked up more reflux medication, it is in the bathroom, goodbye!
I am sorry I broke your fence.
I would like to come with you.
Come back, please!
Shit!
Robot wankers!
I'm going out.
- Where? - I'm going to find Linda.
Good on you, Sue! This is exciting. Isn't this exciting, Guy?
Yes.
Mum, Mum, wait...
Get us a Happy Meal while you're out? This chicken is disgusting!
Mum, you don't even drive!
I'll drive you! 75 quid.
Wait... 85.
Shut up! Shut up! Mum, we've talked about this.
- I can't afford her. - I'll borrow against the house or something.
Are you for fucking real?
I just hope I can get there before her memory's wiped!
90 quid, final offer.
I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.
ENGINE STARTS
There's nothing to be scared of,
there's nothing to be scared of.
HORN BEEPS Sorry, sorry, sorry!
SHE MUTTERS TO HERSELF
BUMP
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
BUMP Argh!
Let me out, let me out.
- Linda! - I am OK, Sue!
SUE WHIMPERS
- Sue, you drove a car! - Mm.
- Oh... - Perhaps you should not drive a car.
Wh-What are you doing here? And who is that?
I came to find you, Sue.
I was to be dismantled and sold for my parts.
You and Michael were misled.
Bastards!
- Did you hear that, Michael? - What?!
These contracts! The fine print, big tech...
Capitalism!
Who the hell is that?
Thank God! Finally!
I thought I'd been left here to die...
But now you're here.
I am!
Sue, you drove a car.
Yes, I did.
I came to get you.
I know Michael said we couldn't afford a robot...
Michael will change his mind.
Oh, you're so funny! You should have your own Netflix special!
THEY CHUCKLE
Sue, I broke my present when you drove over me.
Oh... Well, we can get more picture frames.
We're gonna need them,
because we're gonna take a lot more pictures...
Do you know?
My dinner party was no fun without you.
Perhaps music might help improve the mood?
♪ If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe
♪ I'd been married long time ago
♪ Where did you come from, where did you go
♪ Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe? ♪
Sue, I think you put my eyeball back in upside down.
♪ If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe
♪ I'd been married long time ago
♪ Where did you come from, where did you go
♪ Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?
♪ If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe
♪ I'd been married long time ago
♪ Where did you come from, where did you go
♪ Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe? ♪