1 00:00:05,130 --> 00:00:08,300 ♪ ("THE STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER" PLAYING) ♪ 2 00:00:28,070 --> 00:00:30,739 -♪ (CHEERY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -SAMUEL L. JACKSON: In 1803, Thomas Jefferson acquired 3 00:00:30,822 --> 00:00:32,073 the Louisiana Purchase 4 00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:34,159 -from Napoleon for 15 million dollars... -(CASH REGISTER DINGS) 5 00:00:34,243 --> 00:00:36,119 ...doubling the size of the United States 6 00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:40,624 at the very nice price of 18 dollars per square mile. 7 00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:43,126 -(INDISTINCT SHOUTING) -JACKSON: President Jefferson tasked Meriwether Lewis 8 00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:44,336 with an expedition west 9 00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:46,755 to explore and document this new territory. 10 00:00:46,838 --> 00:00:48,924 Lewis chose his best friend, William Clark, 11 00:00:49,007 --> 00:00:51,134 as his co-leader on the expedition. 12 00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:54,054 The 8,000-mile journey was expected to last years, 13 00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:57,474 but before they could even begin their famous trek, 14 00:00:57,516 --> 00:01:01,562 the biggest obstacle of all needed to be overcome. 15 00:01:01,645 --> 00:01:03,146 -Lewis's wife, Mavis. -♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪ 16 00:01:03,188 --> 00:01:04,480 -(CHICKENS CLUCKING) -(COW MOOING) 17 00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:06,483 -♪ (SLOW FOLKSY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(ROOSTER CROWING) 18 00:01:07,109 --> 00:01:08,694 (SIGHS HEAVILY) 19 00:01:10,445 --> 00:01:12,364 -(GASPS) -(MERIWETHER LEWIS LAUGHS) 20 00:01:12,447 --> 00:01:13,824 -Honey! -(LEWIS LAUGHS) 21 00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:17,160 -Oh my God. Ooh! -Oh! Oh. 22 00:01:17,202 --> 00:01:18,495 -I missed you so much. -Oh, my gosh, 23 00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:20,497 -did I miss you! I... I-- -I'm so happy you're home. 24 00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,164 Is that... Is that a new bonnet? 25 00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:24,084 It is. I made it while you were gone. 26 00:01:24,167 --> 00:01:26,253 -Very becoming. Excellent work. -Mm-hmm. Yeah. Thank you. 27 00:01:26,336 --> 00:01:27,254 -Excellent job. -Thank you. 28 00:01:27,337 --> 00:01:28,672 You're such a good seamstress, aren't you? 29 00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:30,340 -Oh, I try. I love it. -You can make anything 30 00:01:30,382 --> 00:01:31,842 -you put those little hands on, can't you? -See? 31 00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:34,678 -I miss you so much. I just miss you. -Yeah. (SIGHS) 32 00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:35,846 -Um... -(MAVIS LEWIS SIGHS) 33 00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,389 Oh, listen, I know you've been gone, 34 00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:39,057 but there's gonna be a lot of work to do 35 00:01:39,140 --> 00:01:40,434 -around here, okay? -Yeah. 36 00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:42,060 We have the holes for the latrines... 37 00:01:42,144 --> 00:01:44,021 -LEWIS: Yeah. -...that need to be dug before the rains come. 38 00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:45,188 Don't forget, there's all the hides 39 00:01:45,271 --> 00:01:46,815 -that we have to tan from last year... -(MUMBLES) 40 00:01:46,857 --> 00:01:49,401 -...that we didn't get to, so we have to do that. -Yeah. We gotta tan. Yeah. 41 00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:51,027 -Oh, my gosh, it's a lot of work, right? -Yeah. 42 00:01:51,110 --> 00:01:53,697 So how was the meeting with President Jefferson? 43 00:01:53,739 --> 00:01:55,240 Guess what everybody's talking about? 44 00:01:55,324 --> 00:01:58,076 -Another Indian massacre? -No. 45 00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:00,037 -The Louisiana Purchase. -Oh! 46 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,205 -This is such a big deal. -Yes. Huge. 47 00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:03,707 So tell me all about the meeting. 48 00:02:03,749 --> 00:02:04,875 What did he say? 49 00:02:04,916 --> 00:02:06,418 Well... (CHUCKLES) 50 00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:10,130 It's... It's crazy, but, uh... (SIGHS) 51 00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:14,301 ...you know, he wants me to explore the, uh, 52 00:02:15,010 --> 00:02:17,012 the Oregon Trail. 53 00:02:17,095 --> 00:02:18,555 -What? -Yeah. The Louisiana Purchase. 54 00:02:18,597 --> 00:02:20,390 -You? -Yeah, yeah. He needs maps 55 00:02:20,432 --> 00:02:21,725 -and he... -Maps? 56 00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:23,727 He-- You know, he wants to know what he bought. 57 00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:25,062 MAVIS: Uh-huh. 58 00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:26,897 -LEWIS: I-- -You just got home, and now you're leaving again? 59 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:28,565 LEWIS: I know. Well, you think I want to go? 60 00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:29,858 I want to be here with you. 61 00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:32,152 I want to skin the carcasses. I want to tan the hides. 62 00:02:32,235 --> 00:02:34,321 I want to can the fruit, brine the pickles. 63 00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:36,948 I was up for it, ready to do it. 64 00:02:37,031 --> 00:02:38,241 You're doing this alone? 65 00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:40,327 You're going alone on the Oregon Trail? 66 00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:42,621 -No, no. Uh... (SIGHS) -MAVIS: Ah! 67 00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:43,914 -No, uh... -MAVIS: No. 68 00:02:43,954 --> 00:02:45,040 You'll have company. 69 00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:47,959 Clark is, uh... 70 00:02:48,043 --> 00:02:50,045 Clark is-- Clark's going... 71 00:02:50,128 --> 00:02:51,463 Clark's gonna go with me. 72 00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:53,924 -William Clark? -Yeah, yeah, William. 73 00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:55,300 Yeah, William's coming. Yeah. 74 00:02:55,384 --> 00:02:57,177 -Your best friend and fishing buddy? -(LEWIS HESITATES) 75 00:02:57,260 --> 00:02:59,137 Jefferson wants Clark to go with me. (HESITATES) 76 00:02:59,221 --> 00:03:00,806 -You think I want Clark? He's a whiner. -Clark? 77 00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:02,140 -He complains all the time. -Oh. 78 00:03:02,224 --> 00:03:05,143 He's a bad climber. Guy's got bunions. 79 00:03:05,227 --> 00:03:06,728 -Bunions? -And all he does is, 80 00:03:06,812 --> 00:03:08,814 "Oh, my foot, my toes, my toe..." 81 00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:10,899 I was doing my best to get out of it. 82 00:03:10,982 --> 00:03:11,942 -That's all, honey. -You-- God. 83 00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:14,194 I don't wanna go exploring with Clark. 84 00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:19,282 So the president wanted you to map the Oregon Trail 85 00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:22,077 with your best friend, William Clark. 86 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,621 It's kind of the definition of a coincidence. 87 00:03:24,663 --> 00:03:26,748 -MAVIS: Uh-huh. -Here you have my best friend, 88 00:03:26,832 --> 00:03:29,126 and without even me mentioning him 89 00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:31,169 to President Jefferson, he says, 90 00:03:31,253 --> 00:03:32,629 "I want William Clark to go with you." 91 00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:34,089 He doesn't even know we're friends. 92 00:03:34,172 --> 00:03:35,799 -(KNOCKING ON DOOR) -Oh, excuse me. 93 00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:37,050 Who could that be? 94 00:03:38,343 --> 00:03:40,178 -(LAUGHS) Hey, William! -Hey! 95 00:03:40,262 --> 00:03:42,013 -Oh my God, what a surprise! -Clark. 96 00:03:42,097 --> 00:03:43,390 Well, I heard you just got back. 97 00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:46,226 -Yeah! Hey, honey! Look, look. -MAVIS: William Clark. 98 00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:48,687 -We were just talking about you. -Oh! 99 00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:50,147 -MAVIS: Mm-hmm. -Yeah. 100 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:51,648 -How's Abigail? -Good. 101 00:03:51,690 --> 00:03:53,275 -MAVIS: Right, good, good. -Yes, good. 102 00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:54,901 And, uh, how are your bunions? 103 00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:58,155 -What? My what? -Bunions. 104 00:03:58,238 --> 00:03:59,823 -Your bunions? Your bunions. -Oh. 105 00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:01,324 -The bunions. Yeah, good. -Your bunion problem. 106 00:04:01,408 --> 00:04:02,492 -MAVIS: Bunions. -Yeah. 107 00:04:02,534 --> 00:04:03,827 -Bunions are good. -They're good. 108 00:04:03,869 --> 00:04:06,663 -You're doing the, uh, the willow bark, right? -Willow bark. 109 00:04:06,705 --> 00:04:08,248 -Willow bark? Yeah. -Yeah, I did the willow bark. 110 00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:09,541 -You chew on it. -MAVIS: Mm. 111 00:04:09,624 --> 00:04:11,835 No, you're supposed to rub the bark on the bunions. 112 00:04:11,877 --> 00:04:13,670 I do that, too. 113 00:04:13,712 --> 00:04:16,548 I do a rub and chew, and then the toe 114 00:04:16,630 --> 00:04:17,966 -just went like that. -(SCOFFS) 115 00:04:18,048 --> 00:04:19,216 -A rub and chew? -WILLIAM CLARK: Yeah. 116 00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:21,511 -It's a miracle. -No-- Yeah, it was a miracle. 117 00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:24,556 All right. Well, I'll let you two chew the fat. 118 00:04:25,223 --> 00:04:26,933 I have chores to do. 119 00:04:27,559 --> 00:04:28,518 LEWIS: Got chores. 120 00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:29,811 -(MAVIS SIGHS HEAVILY) -Lot of laundry 121 00:04:29,895 --> 00:04:31,313 -for one person. -LEWIS: (CHUCKLES) Yeah. 122 00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:32,898 (SIGHS) 123 00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:36,318 -So, did you tell her? -Yeah, yeah. I told her. 124 00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:37,569 -Is she cool? -(WHISPERING) No, no. 125 00:04:37,652 --> 00:04:39,696 -It's not cool. It's not cool at all. No, no. -It's not cool? 126 00:04:39,738 --> 00:04:41,531 -Did you tell Abigail? -Yes, I told her. 127 00:04:41,573 --> 00:04:42,574 -Well, what'd she say? -Not cool. 128 00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:44,201 -LEWIS: Oh, yeah. -Yeah, but come on. 129 00:04:44,242 --> 00:04:45,744 -LEWIS: We're going. Yeah, yeah. -We gotta go. 130 00:04:45,827 --> 00:04:47,287 -Come on. -There's not even a question about it. 131 00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:48,288 -We're going. -CLARK: Yes. 132 00:04:48,371 --> 00:04:49,372 -Okay, good. Good. -We are going. 133 00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:50,832 -Bring your fishing rod. -Oh, yeah. 134 00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:51,875 -LEWIS: Yeah. -I got lures. 135 00:04:51,917 --> 00:04:53,376 -LEWIS: Oh, beautiful. Yeah. -I got bait. 136 00:04:53,418 --> 00:04:54,711 What about a net? You got a net? 137 00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,087 No, I don't have a net. 138 00:04:56,171 --> 00:04:57,589 -I'm gonna use my hat. -LEWIS: What? 139 00:04:57,672 --> 00:04:59,174 -Use my hat. -LEWIS: Great. 140 00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:01,760 -So the whole trip will just be us having fun. -Yeah. 141 00:05:01,843 --> 00:05:02,886 -Having fun, yeah. -Fishing. 142 00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:04,721 -Fishing, yeah. -And... And that's it, right? 143 00:05:04,763 --> 00:05:06,848 You know, we gotta do some exploring. 144 00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:07,891 -Yeah. -LEWIS: Yeah. 145 00:05:07,933 --> 00:05:09,309 What d-- What does that entail? 146 00:05:09,392 --> 00:05:10,852 Well, I imagine it's going to a place 147 00:05:10,936 --> 00:05:13,188 you've never been before, and you... 148 00:05:13,271 --> 00:05:15,190 -you know, you look around. -Oh, we can do that. 149 00:05:15,232 --> 00:05:16,691 -Yeah. (LAUGHS) It's easy. -That's not hard. 150 00:05:16,775 --> 00:05:17,734 -It's easy. Yeah. -Yeah. 151 00:05:17,776 --> 00:05:18,944 -You went to Washington. -LEWIS: Yeah. 152 00:05:19,027 --> 00:05:20,070 -You saw Jefferson. -LEWIS: Yeah. 153 00:05:20,111 --> 00:05:21,238 -What's he like? -A prick. 154 00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:22,280 -CLARK: Really? -Yeah. 155 00:05:22,364 --> 00:05:23,698 He's a strange guy. 156 00:05:23,782 --> 00:05:25,742 -Always running to France. -LEWIS: Yeah. 157 00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:27,202 What is he doing in France? 158 00:05:28,203 --> 00:05:29,663 -Oh. -LEWIS: (SOFTLY) Yeah. 159 00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:31,665 Hey, what about us? Can we bring some squaws? 160 00:05:31,748 --> 00:05:33,124 You can't say "squaws" anymore. 161 00:05:33,207 --> 00:05:34,501 -CLARK: Oh. -Only they can say squaws. 162 00:05:34,584 --> 00:05:36,419 -CLARK: They can say squaws. -Yeah, we can't say squaws. 163 00:05:36,461 --> 00:05:38,421 -Teepee? -I think teepee's cool. 164 00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:39,965 Wampum? Can you say wampum? 165 00:05:40,048 --> 00:05:41,883 -That's kind of a gray area. -Ah, whatever. 166 00:05:41,967 --> 00:05:43,510 -This trip is gonna be so great. -(DOOR OPENS) 167 00:05:43,593 --> 00:05:45,428 -So great. -So great. 168 00:05:45,470 --> 00:05:46,930 What's gonna be so great? 169 00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:49,474 (HESITATES) It's a great... It's a great burden... 170 00:05:49,558 --> 00:05:50,933 -CLARK: Yes. -...to have to leave... 171 00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:52,269 -Mm-hmm. -...our families 172 00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:54,938 -and go away on this crazy thing. -Yeah. 173 00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:56,273 -Mm-hmm. -We don't wanna go. 174 00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:59,818 But the responsibility that we feel to our president... 175 00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:01,444 -President, fellow man. -...our fellow man, our-- 176 00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:02,612 Service to the country. 177 00:06:02,654 --> 00:06:04,281 -CLARK: Service to the country, that's right. -Yeah. 178 00:06:04,322 --> 00:06:05,365 You know what? You... 179 00:06:05,448 --> 00:06:07,325 -You need to pack, don't you? -I do. 180 00:06:07,409 --> 00:06:08,493 -MAVIS: No, no. (MUMBLES) -Yeah. 181 00:06:08,577 --> 00:06:09,786 I just have a couple of questions. 182 00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:10,996 So, William, 183 00:06:11,079 --> 00:06:13,123 -President Jefferson... -CLARK: Mm-hmm. 184 00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:15,959 ...chose you to go on this expedition? 185 00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:16,960 He did. 186 00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:18,461 Ah, so you've met President Jefferson? 187 00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:20,255 -CLARK: Yeah, yeah. -Uh-huh. What's he like? 188 00:06:20,338 --> 00:06:21,339 He's a prick. 189 00:06:23,842 --> 00:06:25,969 Have you ever explored before? 190 00:06:26,011 --> 00:06:27,971 You're an explorer just by being alive. 191 00:06:28,013 --> 00:06:30,515 'Cause any place I go that I haven't been, 192 00:06:30,599 --> 00:06:31,558 I'm exploring. 193 00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:32,642 -You're exploring? -CLARK: Yes. 194 00:06:32,683 --> 00:06:34,936 Since he got out of the womb, he's been exploring. 195 00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:36,730 -I observe. -You should see-- Look... Look at his eyes. 196 00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:38,315 -Yeah. -Look at the wide-eyed... 197 00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:39,733 -He's a wide-eyed fella. -(MAVIS CHUCKLES) 198 00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:41,985 LEWIS: He has unbounding curiosity. 199 00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:45,322 And while you're doing that, I assume that you'll go fishing. 200 00:06:45,363 --> 00:06:47,282 -(SCOFFS) Yeah, survival fishing. -Yeah, but... 201 00:06:47,365 --> 00:06:48,491 -Right, right. -Oh, survival? 202 00:06:48,533 --> 00:06:50,201 -So... So not fun fishing. -No, no, no. 203 00:06:50,284 --> 00:06:51,411 -We're not fun fishing. -Not at all. 204 00:06:51,494 --> 00:06:52,746 -We fish to eat. -Yeah. 205 00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:54,664 So, uh, how long is this whole thing gonna take? 206 00:06:54,706 --> 00:06:56,374 -It's gonna take... -Uh, not gonna-- not very long. 207 00:06:56,457 --> 00:06:57,959 -MAVIS: Not long? -Couple of years. 208 00:06:58,043 --> 00:06:59,920 MAVIS: Wait. "Couple of years"? 209 00:07:00,003 --> 00:07:01,421 -A couple years? While you're-- -No. (SCOFFS) 210 00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:03,506 He d-- He doesn't know what he's talking about, okay? 211 00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:05,091 -CLARK: At the most. -No, are you telling me 212 00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:06,843 that this Clark and Lewis expedition 213 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,678 -is gonna take a couple of years? -Who? The what? 214 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,513 It's not Clark and Lewis. It's Lewis and Clark. 215 00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:11,848 -No, it's Clark and Lewis. -CLARK: What-- 216 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:13,934 -LEWIS: Please. Can-- Please. -Clark and Lewis, alphabetical. 217 00:07:14,017 --> 00:07:15,852 We're Lewis and Clark, that's it. 218 00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:17,687 It is interesting 219 00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:20,190 -to look at it alphabetically. -MAVIS: Yes. 220 00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:21,858 You can look at it alphabetically, 221 00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:23,443 but that doesn't make it interesting. 222 00:07:23,526 --> 00:07:25,195 -It's like ham and eggs. -Right. 223 00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:26,905 Eggs precedes ham in the alphabet... 224 00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:29,074 -Mm-hmm. -...and yet it sounds 225 00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:32,534 so much better when you say "ham and eggs." 226 00:07:32,577 --> 00:07:34,079 Yet it tastes the same, 227 00:07:34,162 --> 00:07:36,539 whether it's "ham and eggs" or "eggs and ham." 228 00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:38,582 Nobody's eating us, Clark. 229 00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:40,585 Something's eating me. 230 00:07:40,669 --> 00:07:42,879 Is anybody else going on this trip with you? 231 00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,923 -No, no, no. -No, no, no. 232 00:07:45,006 --> 00:07:46,049 -MAVIS: No? -Mm-mm. No, yeah. 233 00:07:46,132 --> 00:07:48,551 -Couple Indian gals. -MAVIS: "Gals"? 234 00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:50,720 Indian women are going? 235 00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:51,888 LEWIS: But they're old. 236 00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:53,348 -Old Indian gals? -Old Indians. 237 00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:54,391 -Yes. -Uh-huh. 238 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:55,892 -Old, infirmed. -Yeah. 239 00:07:55,933 --> 00:07:56,893 -Infirm? -Yes. 240 00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:58,019 Gnarled. 241 00:07:58,103 --> 00:07:59,521 -Gnarled. -MAVIS: "Gnarled"? 242 00:07:59,604 --> 00:08:01,523 -LEWIS: Gnarled, yes. -Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Why are they sending 243 00:08:01,606 --> 00:08:02,857 squaws with you? 244 00:08:02,941 --> 00:08:04,609 -Oh, you can't... you can't say squaws. -You can't say squaws. 245 00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:05,819 -Can't say squaws? -Can't say squaws. 246 00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:06,987 -No. -Okay. What are they gonna do? 247 00:08:07,070 --> 00:08:08,530 -They're gonna navigate. -We need directions. 248 00:08:08,613 --> 00:08:09,531 -Directions. -Yeah. 249 00:08:09,614 --> 00:08:10,907 Who knows better than the old Indian women? 250 00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:12,575 -Right. That's right. -No. Yeah, you have a point. 251 00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:14,452 -Besides, they wanna get them off the reservation... -Yeah. 252 00:08:14,536 --> 00:08:15,954 -Uh-huh. Yeah. -...because they're unsightly. 253 00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:16,955 They don't really want-- 254 00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:18,498 -They're unsightly? -All right. You know what? 255 00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:19,791 MAVIS: I'm just so curious about this. 256 00:08:19,874 --> 00:08:21,418 You... You need to... You need to pack. No? 257 00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:23,420 -I do. I got clothes on the line. I... -Packing to do. 258 00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:25,130 -MAVIS: Yeah. Okay. Gotta go. -Yeah. 259 00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:26,923 All right. I'll see you in a minute. 260 00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:28,133 (DOOR OPENS) 261 00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:29,551 ♪ (UPBEAT BANJO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 262 00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:31,094 -Can you believe it? -Can you believe it? 263 00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:32,261 She... She bought the whole thing? 264 00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:33,972 -The whole thing. -The whole thing. 265 00:08:34,054 --> 00:08:36,474 -Everything. The bunions. I don't know what a bunion is. -The bun-- The bunions. We-- 266 00:08:36,558 --> 00:08:38,393 -I've never had a bunion. -Well, how about... how about... 267 00:08:38,476 --> 00:08:40,186 -how about the rub and chew? -CLARK: Hey, listen. 268 00:08:40,270 --> 00:08:42,230 Would you come with me to my house and talk to Abigail 269 00:08:42,272 --> 00:08:43,815 so I can get off the hook like you did? 270 00:08:43,898 --> 00:08:45,066 -Yeah. -Great. 271 00:08:45,108 --> 00:08:46,651 -Yeah, of course. -Come on. Let's go to my house. 272 00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:48,111 -Okay, come on. -♪ (MUSIC SLOWS) ♪ 273 00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:49,529 -Where are you going? -Where are you going? 274 00:08:49,612 --> 00:08:50,530 My house. 275 00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:52,449 -Yeah, it's this way. -No, it isn't. 276 00:08:52,490 --> 00:08:54,284 It's right down the path. 277 00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,369 Yeah, that path over there. 278 00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:58,329 Are you sure? 279 00:08:58,413 --> 00:08:59,664 I think so. 280 00:09:02,333 --> 00:09:04,753 Huh? What am I thinking of? 281 00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:06,546 -I... I thought it-- -I thought... 282 00:09:08,173 --> 00:09:11,217 ♪ (LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 283 00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:20,810 JACKSON: Our democracy differs from others 284 00:09:20,852 --> 00:09:23,313 in that a candidate can be elected president 285 00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:26,316 even if they don't get the most votes. 286 00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:28,318 -Odd, no? -♪ (PATRIOTIC PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 287 00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:29,861 JACKSON: For reasons that defy logic, 288 00:09:29,944 --> 00:09:32,280 the Founding Fathers enshrined in the Constitution 289 00:09:32,363 --> 00:09:33,990 -the Electoral College... -(GAVEL POUNDING) 290 00:09:34,032 --> 00:09:37,118 ...which, confusingly, is not a university. 291 00:09:37,202 --> 00:09:39,537 It's not even a place, but a process, 292 00:09:39,621 --> 00:09:42,290 where each state has a certain number of electors 293 00:09:42,373 --> 00:09:44,000 determined by their population. 294 00:09:44,042 --> 00:09:47,337 Because of this bizarre process, five times in U.S. history, 295 00:09:47,378 --> 00:09:50,298 the winner of the popular vote has lost the presidency. 296 00:09:50,381 --> 00:09:52,884 In 1876, Democrat Samuel J. Tilden 297 00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:55,512 ran against the Republican Rutherford B. Hayes. 298 00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:58,473 On election night, the volatile Tilden 299 00:09:58,556 --> 00:10:01,184 awaited the results in his hotel room. 300 00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:03,353 -SAMUEL J. TILDEN: This is brilliant. -Thank you. 301 00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,188 TILDEN: What a brilliant acceptance speech. 302 00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:06,731 -Thank you! -Thank you, Governor. 303 00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:08,024 How about this line? 304 00:10:08,066 --> 00:10:10,527 "From the shores of the Hudson 305 00:10:10,568 --> 00:10:13,321 to the rolling hills of the North Country, 306 00:10:13,404 --> 00:10:17,117 -your voices have been heard." -"Have been heard." 307 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,828 -Hope I get to deliver this. -Thank you, sir. 308 00:10:19,911 --> 00:10:24,040 I'm thinking of Seaburn for Treasury. 309 00:10:24,082 --> 00:10:25,375 Yes. 310 00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:27,710 -Coleman for State. -It's creative. 311 00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:30,380 Not really any experience in foreign affairs, but... 312 00:10:30,421 --> 00:10:31,548 No, but you can control him. 313 00:10:31,589 --> 00:10:33,091 -Yeah, absolutely. -Yeah. 314 00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:34,801 TILDEN: I'll tell you what else I'm thinking. 315 00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:36,594 I'm thinking of making you... 316 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,722 the first Black cabinet member. 317 00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:41,933 -Postmaster General, you, sir! -AIDE 1: Oh! (CHUCKLES) Wow. 318 00:10:42,016 --> 00:10:43,184 I don't know what to say. 319 00:10:43,268 --> 00:10:44,561 -AIDE 1: Wonderful. (LAUGHS) -You, sir! 320 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:45,728 I'll deliver. 321 00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:47,438 -(LAUGHING) -You'll deliver! I love it! 322 00:10:47,522 --> 00:10:49,065 I love it! 323 00:10:49,107 --> 00:10:52,735 Um, just been thinking about moving into the White House. 324 00:10:52,777 --> 00:10:54,237 First of all, we gotta change the mattress. 325 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,990 Grant-- I'm not gonna sleep on his disgusting... 326 00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:59,409 -He drinks, he smokes in bed. -Yeah. 327 00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:01,119 I'm... I'm pretty sure they're gonna handle that. 328 00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:02,287 Do they bring in a new mattress? 329 00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:03,580 -Absolutely. -We don't know that. 330 00:11:03,621 --> 00:11:05,290 You know what they'll do? They'll flip the mattress. 331 00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:07,000 -That's what they'll do. -(CAMPAIGN MANAGER GROANS) 332 00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:08,751 -That's like 100 years of nastiness. -AIDE 1: Mm-hmm. 333 00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,753 We gotta get all new sheets. 334 00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:12,463 Who pays for that? Do I pay for that personally? 335 00:11:12,547 --> 00:11:15,258 -Taxpayers. -What about the moving itself? 336 00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:17,093 We got our guys in there ready to do that. 337 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,596 -What about the tipping, when the movers... -CAMPAIGN MANAGER: The tipping? 338 00:11:19,637 --> 00:11:21,014 TILDEN: What do you tip those guys? 339 00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:23,308 'Cause sometimes you have no change, you gotta give them a dollar. 340 00:11:23,391 --> 00:11:24,642 We're not giving anybody a dollar. 341 00:11:24,726 --> 00:11:27,604 This whole White House thing, it's the people's house. 342 00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:29,439 -People pay. -So I'm not paying for shit? 343 00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:31,441 You don't pay for jack shit. 344 00:11:31,482 --> 00:11:33,151 -I like the sound of that. -Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. 345 00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:36,321 Governor, I have the results of the election. 346 00:11:36,821 --> 00:11:38,031 (ALL BREATHE DEEPLY) 347 00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:40,575 Eighty-two percent of the country voted. 348 00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:42,660 Almost an entire nation. 349 00:11:44,162 --> 00:11:45,830 The popular vote winner, 350 00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:49,125 by 250,000 votes, 351 00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:51,461 is Governor Tilden. 352 00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:54,464 -(ALL CHEERING) -(SCATTING ENERGETICALLY) 353 00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:57,133 ♪ (UPBEAT CELEBRATORY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 354 00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:59,802 -AIDE 2: But... -(CHEERING CONTINUES) 355 00:11:59,886 --> 00:12:01,721 -But... -(CHEERING CONTINUES) 356 00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:03,181 -But... -Time to light up. 357 00:12:03,264 --> 00:12:04,891 -Let's find something. -AIDE 1: I didn't bring mine. 358 00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:07,602 -AIDE 2: There's more. -♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪ 359 00:12:07,685 --> 00:12:08,978 -Say what now? -What? 360 00:12:09,020 --> 00:12:11,981 The Electoral College vote. 361 00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:16,236 One hundred-eighty-four, Tilden. 362 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:20,281 One hundred-eighty-five, Hayes. 363 00:12:21,157 --> 00:12:22,367 -Come again? -What? 364 00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:23,493 Hayes won. 365 00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:24,869 -♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -Wait, what? 366 00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:26,955 -AIDE 2: He's the president. -Huh? 367 00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:30,416 Wait, what? Huh? 368 00:12:31,042 --> 00:12:32,293 (EXHALES SHARPLY) Huh? 369 00:12:32,377 --> 00:12:33,461 You lost. 370 00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:35,838 -(ANGRILY) No! No! I won! I won! -♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪ 371 00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:37,590 I won! I won! I had the most votes! 372 00:12:37,674 --> 00:12:39,175 -What the fuck is an Electoral College? -Yeah! 373 00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:40,176 You can't just take a vote! 374 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:41,511 What kind of bullshit is that? 375 00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:43,388 -It's in the Constitution. -(TILDEN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY) 376 00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:45,765 No, no, no! It's not fair! It's not fair! I won! I won! 377 00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:47,308 What kind of country is this? 378 00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:49,519 -It's a democracy. -No, it's not a democracy! 379 00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:50,687 I got the most votes! 380 00:12:50,728 --> 00:12:52,730 Who made this up, this Electoral College? 381 00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:56,359 The Founding fucking Fathers? What a bunch of morons! 382 00:12:56,401 --> 00:12:58,528 Madison, I'd like to punch him in his face. 383 00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:01,698 That prick! The person with the most votes wins! 384 00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:03,199 -AIDE 1: Oh, Jesus! -(AIDES GASP) 385 00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:06,536 -Governor, please calm down. -Which states screwed us? 386 00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:09,080 Louisiana, South Carolina, and Florida. 387 00:13:09,163 --> 00:13:11,582 -Florida! Oh, those cocksuckers! -(AIDES GRUMBLE, GROAN) 388 00:13:11,666 --> 00:13:13,543 -(TILDEN MUTTERING ANGRILY) -(OVERLAPPING CHATTER) 389 00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,253 -Everything all right? -What the fuck do you want? 390 00:13:15,336 --> 00:13:17,046 -AIDE 3: Mr. President! -Get the fuck out of here! 391 00:13:17,088 --> 00:13:18,965 -Get out, you lickspittle! -AIDE 3: Oh! Whoa! 392 00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:20,800 Why do we even have an Electoral College? 393 00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:23,553 Because the Republicans won't pass a constitutional amendment 394 00:13:23,594 --> 00:13:25,888 because they'll know they'll lose every election, 395 00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:27,432 those cocksuckers! 396 00:13:27,515 --> 00:13:29,100 It's the only competition in the world 397 00:13:29,183 --> 00:13:31,894 where if you win, you lose! 398 00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:34,522 -You lose! You lose! -(AIDES EXCLAIMING) 399 00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:36,065 -You lose! You lose! -(GLASS SHATTERING) 400 00:13:36,107 --> 00:13:37,108 AIDE 1: Oh, jeez. 401 00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:39,068 (BREATHES HEAVILY) 402 00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:41,779 -It's not fair. -AIDE 1: Makes no sense. 403 00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:45,366 We need to work on your concession speech. 404 00:13:46,451 --> 00:13:47,994 -(YELLING ANGRILY) -AIDE 3: Governor, no! 405 00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:50,246 -(INDISTINCT CLAMOR) -♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 406 00:13:50,288 --> 00:13:51,831 -Wait! Wait! Wait! -(CONTINUES YELLING ANGRILY) 407 00:13:51,914 --> 00:13:53,583 Oh, no! Governor, no! Wait! 408 00:13:53,665 --> 00:13:55,752 -Jeez, sir! -Governor! No! 409 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:58,087 -I'm the president! I'm the president! -AIDE 3: Don't kill yourself! 410 00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:00,423 -Governor, it's not worth it! It's not worth it! -I won, I won! 411 00:14:00,506 --> 00:14:03,301 I won! I'm the president! 412 00:14:03,384 --> 00:14:06,804 ♪ (LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 413 00:14:14,270 --> 00:14:15,605 JACKSON: The Great Depression began 414 00:14:15,646 --> 00:14:16,856 with the stock market crash 415 00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:19,442 -in October, 1929. -♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 416 00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:22,487 -JACKSON: Stock prices plummeted 50 percent in ten weeks... -(INDISTINCT CLAMORING) 417 00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:24,614 ...wiping out billions in wealth. 418 00:14:24,655 --> 00:14:27,158 People lost their jobs, their life savings, 419 00:14:27,241 --> 00:14:28,618 and their homes. 420 00:14:28,659 --> 00:14:31,037 Financial ruin and high unemployment led 421 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:35,415 to widespread despair, and suicide was rampant. 422 00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:38,586 Lines for soup kitchens stretched for blocks. 423 00:14:38,669 --> 00:14:39,837 People were grateful 424 00:14:39,921 --> 00:14:42,590 for any handouts they could get. 425 00:14:42,673 --> 00:14:45,510 -Well, most people. -(INDISTINCT CHATTER) 426 00:14:45,593 --> 00:14:46,636 Extra, extra. 427 00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:49,305 Hoover says it's the Coolidge Depression. 428 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:50,890 Read all about it. 429 00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:52,809 Hoover says it's the Coolidge Depression. 430 00:14:52,850 --> 00:14:54,310 MAN 1: What's the hold up today? 431 00:14:59,524 --> 00:15:00,483 Look at this. 432 00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:02,068 There's no end to this line, you know? 433 00:15:02,151 --> 00:15:03,444 -It's crazy. -Unbelievable. 434 00:15:03,528 --> 00:15:05,655 -Yeah. Terrible. -♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪ 435 00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:06,906 Hey, uh, Ralph. How you doing, man? 436 00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:08,991 -Been a long time. -Hey, pal. 437 00:15:09,033 --> 00:15:11,327 -MAN 2: Can I get a spare cigarette? -What are you doing? 438 00:15:11,369 --> 00:15:13,496 I'm just having a little talk with, uh, my buddy Ralph here. 439 00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:15,498 Give me a break. You hardly even know this guy, I'm sure. 440 00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:16,958 We go way back. We played baseball together. 441 00:15:16,999 --> 00:15:18,501 LARRY DAVID: He's not your buddy. You're lying. 442 00:15:18,584 --> 00:15:20,336 I know what you're doing. You're doing a chat-and-cut. 443 00:15:20,378 --> 00:15:21,337 You can't do that here. 444 00:15:21,379 --> 00:15:22,672 I don't even know what a chat-and-cut is. 445 00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:24,132 It's when you pretend that you know somebody 446 00:15:24,215 --> 00:15:25,925 better than you do so you can sneak on the line. 447 00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:27,093 We grew up together. 448 00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:28,928 Chat-and-cuts are only for immediate family. 449 00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:30,263 Not even cousins are allowed. 450 00:15:30,346 --> 00:15:31,681 Who appointed you as the chancellor 451 00:15:31,722 --> 00:15:33,182 -of the chat-and-cut? -LARRY: My father. 452 00:15:33,224 --> 00:15:35,685 And he died, and now I'm the new chancellor. 453 00:15:35,726 --> 00:15:38,020 Your father was full of shit, and you're full of shit, too. 454 00:15:38,062 --> 00:15:40,022 Twenty years ago, I would have beat the shit out of you. 455 00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:42,150 -Yeah, sure. Good luck with the soup. -MAN 3: Scram to the rear! 456 00:15:42,191 --> 00:15:44,318 I mean, of course, I wouldn't have beat the shit out of him. 457 00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:46,112 (HESITATES) I couldn't beat the shit out of anybody, 458 00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:49,365 -but it's-- it's fun to say. I can tell you that. Yeah. -It is. It is fun to say. 459 00:15:49,407 --> 00:15:51,576 -Yeah. -It would be fun to be able to say and back it up. 460 00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:53,202 -You know? -I know. I could picture it, actually. 461 00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:54,537 -Yeah. Yeah. -I could picture it, yeah. 462 00:15:54,579 --> 00:15:56,539 Oh, by the way, did you hear about Stu Mackey? 463 00:15:56,622 --> 00:15:59,040 Committed suicide. Jumped off a bridge. 464 00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:00,209 -Oh my God. -I know. 465 00:16:00,251 --> 00:16:01,544 I know him very well. 466 00:16:01,586 --> 00:16:04,213 Yeah, he left a suicide note, said goodbye to everybody, 467 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:06,549 mentioned his wife, family, close friends, 468 00:16:06,632 --> 00:16:09,510 Marty, Bob, Mel, Jeff Salcido. 469 00:16:09,594 --> 00:16:12,597 Did he... he mention me? 470 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:14,599 Mm. I don't think so, no. 471 00:16:14,682 --> 00:16:16,976 -He didn't mention me? -No, he did not. 472 00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:19,270 I know him way better than Jeff Salcido. 473 00:16:19,353 --> 00:16:21,564 Wonder why he didn't mention me. I just saw him last week. 474 00:16:21,606 --> 00:16:22,899 We were on the breadline together. 475 00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:24,942 We exchanged a lot of confidences, okay? 476 00:16:25,026 --> 00:16:26,319 -I opened up to him. -Right. 477 00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:29,572 I confided in him about how I got out of the Great War. 478 00:16:29,614 --> 00:16:31,240 -BARNEY: Really? -By pretending I was crazy. 479 00:16:31,282 --> 00:16:32,658 -You did that? -LARRY: Yeah. (CHUCKLING) 480 00:16:32,742 --> 00:16:34,410 I went in there, and I went... 481 00:16:34,452 --> 00:16:36,078 (IN NASALLY VOICE) "Uh, this is-- I haven't been 482 00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:37,914 out of my house in five years. 483 00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,290 -This is the first time." -Oh my God. 484 00:16:39,373 --> 00:16:41,459 "I can't fight anybody. I don't..." 485 00:16:41,542 --> 00:16:44,128 -(IN NORMAL VOICE) Yeah. -I didn't know imbecile was like a category. 486 00:16:44,212 --> 00:16:45,421 -So it is. -LARRY: By the way, 487 00:16:45,463 --> 00:16:47,715 let's keep my army thing, uh, between us. 488 00:16:47,798 --> 00:16:49,634 Right. I told them I was a homosexual. 489 00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:51,177 -That's how I got out of it. -Smart. 490 00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:53,346 Yeah. I mean, I'm not, you know? 491 00:16:53,429 --> 00:16:54,764 I mean, that goes without saying. 492 00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:57,642 -Why did you say it? -Well, I'm just saying... 493 00:16:57,725 --> 00:16:59,101 Seems to me if it goes without saying, 494 00:16:59,143 --> 00:17:00,937 there was-- there's really no reason to say it. 495 00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,563 Sometimes when it goes without saying, 496 00:17:02,605 --> 00:17:04,607 you just have to say that it goes without saying 497 00:17:04,648 --> 00:17:05,942 just to make sure nobody says it. 498 00:17:05,983 --> 00:17:07,818 -Right. -I'm saying don't tell anybody that's what I did. 499 00:17:07,902 --> 00:17:09,278 -To get out of the army. -Exactly. 500 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:10,445 -LARRY: Sure. -Right? Yeah. 501 00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,281 That goes without saying too, right? 502 00:17:12,323 --> 00:17:14,617 -Again. -That's a separate thought. 503 00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:15,826 -Um... -You know what I'm saying? 504 00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:16,953 -Sure. -(INDISTINCT CHATTER) 505 00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:18,162 SOUP SERVER 1: Keep it moving. 506 00:17:18,246 --> 00:17:20,790 I just don't get why I wasn't mentioned in that note. 507 00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:24,460 Is it possible I... I offended him in some way? 508 00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,127 What did you say? Did you say something to him? 509 00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:29,924 Well, I... I complimented him on his potato sack. 510 00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:32,301 -You did what? -Yeah, he was wearing a potato sack, 511 00:17:32,343 --> 00:17:33,970 and I thought it was very becoming on him 512 00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:35,596 compared to other potato sacks. 513 00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:37,390 It was a really good-looking potato sack. 514 00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:39,350 So I said, "Hey, that's a nice potato sack." 515 00:17:39,433 --> 00:17:40,810 You told him it was nice? 516 00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:42,395 A lot of people can't pull it off. 517 00:17:42,478 --> 00:17:43,980 He actually could. He looked good in it. 518 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:45,690 Nobody tries to pull off a potato sack. 519 00:17:45,773 --> 00:17:46,774 He was clearly embarrassed. 520 00:17:46,857 --> 00:17:48,985 I asked him actually where he got the potato sack 521 00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:50,361 in case I might need to get one. 522 00:17:50,444 --> 00:17:52,405 It was a compliment. Look at that potato sack. 523 00:17:52,488 --> 00:17:53,531 Would you wear that? No. 524 00:17:53,614 --> 00:17:55,074 Look at that potato sack. It's terrible. 525 00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:57,451 -BARNEY: No... -LARRY: He looks awful in it. You know, it's all relative. 526 00:17:57,535 --> 00:17:58,578 There are terrible potato sacks. 527 00:17:58,661 --> 00:17:59,912 There have to be good potato sacks. 528 00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:01,789 -BARNEY: No. -He had a particularly good potato sack. 529 00:18:01,831 --> 00:18:03,249 So, you're saying attractive potato sack? 530 00:18:03,332 --> 00:18:06,002 In comparison to these others, that's all I'm saying. 531 00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:07,503 You know what? Regardless, 532 00:18:07,545 --> 00:18:10,172 it's no reason not to mention someone 533 00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:11,549 in a suicide note. 534 00:18:11,632 --> 00:18:13,050 It's just not fair. 535 00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:14,802 Next. Here you go. 536 00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:16,721 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 537 00:18:16,804 --> 00:18:18,514 -Thank you. -DOMINIC: Mm-hmm. 538 00:18:18,556 --> 00:18:20,266 (SLURPS, SMACKS LIPS) 539 00:18:21,309 --> 00:18:22,518 -Thank you. -First of all, 540 00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,437 -thank you for the soup. -You're welcome. 541 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:25,813 May I make a suggestion? 542 00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:28,983 -Okay. -It's a little bland. 543 00:18:29,066 --> 00:18:30,818 -Soup's fine. -Could use a little salt. 544 00:18:30,901 --> 00:18:32,445 -Yeah, there's no salt. -No salt? 545 00:18:32,528 --> 00:18:34,196 -We don't salt the soup. -It's a little unusual. 546 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:35,906 Usually there's soup, there's salt. 547 00:18:35,990 --> 00:18:37,408 Hey, buddy, beggars can't be choosers. 548 00:18:37,491 --> 00:18:39,035 You know what? I'm a choosy beggar. 549 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,411 You want to give the soup back? 550 00:18:40,494 --> 00:18:42,413 We got plenty of other people here who'll eat the soup. 551 00:18:42,496 --> 00:18:44,540 -(HESITATES) I'll eat the soup. -DOMINIC: Oh, okay. 552 00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:45,916 SOUP SERVER 1: Keep it moving. 553 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,210 -(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -(LARRY SIGHS) 554 00:18:48,252 --> 00:18:50,421 SOUP SERVER 2: One soup, one bread. 555 00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:52,715 Hey, you got bread? I didn't get any bread. 556 00:18:52,798 --> 00:18:55,843 Bread, bread, bread, bread. Everybody's got bread. 557 00:18:55,926 --> 00:18:57,928 You know anybody with worse luck than me? 558 00:18:58,012 --> 00:18:59,138 Stu Mackey. 559 00:19:01,932 --> 00:19:03,934 -I'm getting bread. -SOUP SERVER 3: Next! 560 00:19:06,354 --> 00:19:07,688 -I didn't get any bread. -CROWD: Hey! 561 00:19:07,772 --> 00:19:08,898 (INDISTINCT CLAMORING) 562 00:19:08,939 --> 00:19:10,316 Hey, what are you doing? 563 00:19:10,399 --> 00:19:12,068 No, no, no. I'm just getting a piece of bread. 564 00:19:12,109 --> 00:19:14,153 -(INDISTINCT CLAMORING) -You gotta get in line to get the bread. 565 00:19:14,236 --> 00:19:16,238 -But I was already in line. -You already got bread. 566 00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:17,365 I didn't get bread. 567 00:19:17,406 --> 00:19:19,700 You sandbagging son of a bitch! You're cutting the line. 568 00:19:19,784 --> 00:19:21,160 -I'm not cutting. -Yep. Chat-and-cutter. 569 00:19:21,243 --> 00:19:22,453 -Get to the back. -You don't go 570 00:19:22,536 --> 00:19:23,954 to the back of the line for bread. 571 00:19:24,038 --> 00:19:26,040 -Get back. Back of the line. -Get to the back. 572 00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:28,417 -Ah, shut up! Shut up. -(CROWD JEERING) 573 00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:30,503 It's annoying! Just go back of the line. 574 00:19:30,586 --> 00:19:32,254 LARRY: Uh, go to hell! 575 00:19:32,296 --> 00:19:34,757 Drop dead, the whole bunch of you, you filthy bums. 576 00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:36,926 Twenty years ago, I'd beat the shit out of all of you. 577 00:19:36,967 --> 00:19:39,345 -WOMAN: Yeah, sit down. -Yeah, 20 years ago. 578 00:19:39,428 --> 00:19:40,429 Not now. 579 00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:42,431 Not now, but 20 years ago, I could have. 580 00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:44,975 -MAN: Either take a seat or get out of here. -Twenty years ago. 581 00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:47,728 -You didn't get any bread? -No. 582 00:19:47,812 --> 00:19:48,938 -Hmm. -Hey. 583 00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:50,773 Is that Stu Mackey's widow on the line? 584 00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:53,401 BARNEY: Mm. Yeah, Gloria. Really sad. 585 00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:56,487 I'm gonna ask her about that note. 586 00:19:56,570 --> 00:19:57,822 That doesn't sound like a good idea. 587 00:19:57,905 --> 00:19:59,740 -I'll be right back. -SOUP SERVER 3: Next! 588 00:20:00,241 --> 00:20:01,283 Gloria. 589 00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:03,369 -Hi. -Hi. 590 00:20:03,994 --> 00:20:05,538 -Heard about Stu. -Mm. 591 00:20:05,621 --> 00:20:07,123 -So sorry. -Thank you. 592 00:20:07,164 --> 00:20:09,959 Oh, did you have any idea this was going to happen? 593 00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:11,293 I had no idea. 594 00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:14,213 Did he ever tell you that he was depressed or anything? 595 00:20:14,296 --> 00:20:16,090 No, he seemed so happy. 596 00:20:16,173 --> 00:20:19,218 -He'd just purchased a brand-new potato sack. -LARRY: Hmm. 597 00:20:19,301 --> 00:20:21,637 You know, I complimented him on that potato sack. 598 00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:23,139 I thought he looked great in it. 599 00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:25,391 I mean, you look at some of these other potato sacks, 600 00:20:25,474 --> 00:20:28,144 forget it. His was way better. 601 00:20:28,185 --> 00:20:29,645 Reminds me so much of him. 602 00:20:29,687 --> 00:20:31,230 -Oh, the potato sacks? Yeah. -LARRY: Yeah. 603 00:20:31,313 --> 00:20:33,315 Do you think about him every time you eat a potato? 604 00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:34,692 You know what? 605 00:20:34,775 --> 00:20:37,653 I was a little, uh, jealous. In case I needed a potato sack, 606 00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:39,655 -I'd like to get one like that. -GLORIA: Mm. 607 00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:42,158 LARRY: Do you still have the potato sack? 608 00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:45,202 -He jumped in the potato sack. -Ah! 609 00:20:45,286 --> 00:20:46,495 We don't have it anymore. 610 00:20:46,537 --> 00:20:48,497 Why would you jump in your best potato sack? 611 00:20:48,581 --> 00:20:51,500 -(SIGHS) Guess we'll never know. -Stu. 612 00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,669 -You know, we were close. -Mm. 613 00:20:53,711 --> 00:20:54,712 Did he ever talk about me? 614 00:20:54,795 --> 00:20:55,796 -No. -Not a word? 615 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:57,673 He told me you guys talked a little. 616 00:20:57,757 --> 00:21:00,509 Like, he informed me how you got out of fighting in the war 617 00:21:00,551 --> 00:21:02,344 by pretending to be an imbecile. 618 00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:04,805 That was personal. He shouldn't have told you that. 619 00:21:04,889 --> 00:21:07,391 Well, we shared things, Larry. We were married. 620 00:21:07,475 --> 00:21:08,684 Well, you didn't share that much. 621 00:21:08,726 --> 00:21:10,770 He didn't tell you why he killed himself. 622 00:21:12,062 --> 00:21:14,190 I'm just saying, you said you share a lot-- everything, 623 00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:15,858 you were married, but he didn't share that. 624 00:21:15,900 --> 00:21:17,526 You know, I'm really just trying to remember 625 00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:18,861 the good times right now. 626 00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:20,988 LARRY: Would you say he had a negative opinion 627 00:21:21,071 --> 00:21:22,698 of me pretending to be an imbecile? 628 00:21:22,740 --> 00:21:23,699 Why would you ask that? 629 00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:25,743 Because he wrote this lengthy, 630 00:21:25,826 --> 00:21:28,037 -from what I understand, suicide note. -(GROANS) 631 00:21:28,078 --> 00:21:29,205 The note. 632 00:21:29,246 --> 00:21:31,290 But he did mention a lot of people I know 633 00:21:31,373 --> 00:21:32,458 -in the note. -Many people. 634 00:21:32,541 --> 00:21:33,542 But not me. 635 00:21:33,626 --> 00:21:35,211 No. Never mentioned you. 636 00:21:35,294 --> 00:21:37,588 And I'm just wondering, why leave a guy like me 637 00:21:37,671 --> 00:21:40,382 -out of a note like that? -Why do you care? 638 00:21:40,466 --> 00:21:41,717 'Cause it's not fair. 639 00:21:41,759 --> 00:21:44,261 So my husband jumps off a bridge and commits suicide, 640 00:21:44,345 --> 00:21:46,847 but him leaving you out of this note is what's unfair? 641 00:21:46,931 --> 00:21:49,850 You can see how my feelings would be hurt by that. 642 00:21:49,934 --> 00:21:51,268 I'm so sorry for you. 643 00:21:51,769 --> 00:21:52,937 Thank you. 644 00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:55,397 Um, anyway, water under the bridge. 645 00:21:55,439 --> 00:21:57,399 (GASPS, SOBS) Oh, God. 646 00:21:57,483 --> 00:21:58,651 Yeah, okay. 647 00:21:58,734 --> 00:22:01,737 Forget water, and-- Forget water and bridges. 648 00:22:01,821 --> 00:22:04,490 Um, just, uh, let's put it behind us. 649 00:22:04,573 --> 00:22:07,243 -It's really hard to think about. -I guess it is. I guess it is. 650 00:22:07,326 --> 00:22:09,328 -Very, very sad. -(HESITATES) I'm really... I'm really... 651 00:22:09,411 --> 00:22:11,247 really sorry. Really sorry. 652 00:22:11,288 --> 00:22:12,957 -Thank you. -And you're doing okay? 653 00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:14,625 -Are you doing ok-- -No, I'm doing terrible. 654 00:22:14,708 --> 00:22:16,418 I've never been so sad in my whole life. 655 00:22:16,502 --> 00:22:19,630 -I can barely keep it together. -Let me propose this, okay? 656 00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:23,425 There's a soup kitchen downtown. Way better than this one. 657 00:22:23,467 --> 00:22:25,970 The lines are very short. They got great coffee. 658 00:22:26,053 --> 00:22:27,513 Let's go there and get some coffee. 659 00:22:27,596 --> 00:22:29,765 -What? -Come on. We'll sit down. 660 00:22:29,807 --> 00:22:30,933 Have a couple of laughs. 661 00:22:31,016 --> 00:22:32,268 -Me and you? -Yeah. 662 00:22:32,309 --> 00:22:35,062 Larry, I'm... I'm mourning. 663 00:22:35,104 --> 00:22:37,273 Yes, yes, of course, mourn. Mourn away. 664 00:22:37,356 --> 00:22:39,942 Far be it for me to take away from a good mourn. 665 00:22:39,984 --> 00:22:41,944 But, you know, mourners have to eat and drink. 666 00:22:42,027 --> 00:22:43,779 Mourners do everything a regular person does, 667 00:22:43,821 --> 00:22:45,948 but they do it in a slower, somber way. 668 00:22:45,990 --> 00:22:47,533 Mourners are like regular people, 669 00:22:47,616 --> 00:22:49,660 except they don't really have a spring to their step. 670 00:22:49,743 --> 00:22:51,453 Like, I've walked with mourners before, 671 00:22:51,495 --> 00:22:52,454 and it's really difficult. 672 00:22:52,538 --> 00:22:54,123 Like, after ten minutes, I turned around, 673 00:22:54,206 --> 00:22:55,666 the mourner was 50 yards behind me. 674 00:22:55,749 --> 00:22:57,459 I said, "Come on, mourner, catch up. 675 00:22:57,543 --> 00:22:59,461 Come on, move it, mourner." 676 00:22:59,503 --> 00:23:01,547 Hey, if I had to give one piece of advice 677 00:23:01,630 --> 00:23:02,923 to a non-mourner, it would be, 678 00:23:03,007 --> 00:23:04,300 "Never go on a hike with a mourner 679 00:23:04,341 --> 00:23:05,634 because you will live to regret it." 680 00:23:05,718 --> 00:23:07,553 Okay, Larry, here's the thing. Let me make this 681 00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:08,679 -very clear here, okay? -Sure. 682 00:23:08,762 --> 00:23:10,681 -If I wasn't a mourner... -Okay, you're not a mourner. 683 00:23:10,764 --> 00:23:13,559 ...if I wasn't in mourning, if I was a single person 684 00:23:13,642 --> 00:23:14,810 and you were the last man 685 00:23:14,894 --> 00:23:16,312 -on this planet... -Mm. 686 00:23:16,353 --> 00:23:18,689 -...I wouldn't go on any hikes with you... -Hmm. 687 00:23:18,772 --> 00:23:20,024 ...or drink any coffees... 688 00:23:20,107 --> 00:23:21,942 -Yeah. -...or liquids together. 689 00:23:22,026 --> 00:23:24,486 Okay, I get that. That's a 50-50 thing. 690 00:23:24,570 --> 00:23:27,156 You got a coin flip, you get the coffee, 691 00:23:27,239 --> 00:23:28,824 -you don't get the-- -Shut up, Larry. 692 00:23:28,908 --> 00:23:30,534 Get to the back of the fucking line. 693 00:23:31,452 --> 00:23:32,453 Okay. 694 00:23:33,537 --> 00:23:34,872 Oh, hey. 695 00:23:34,955 --> 00:23:37,541 You know what? Could you get an extra piece of bread? 696 00:23:37,625 --> 00:23:39,418 -'Cause I didn't get any bread-- -Back of the line. 697 00:23:39,501 --> 00:23:41,170 -No chat-and-cuts. -I was on the back of the line. 698 00:23:41,253 --> 00:23:43,339 -I did the back of the line. -Back of the line. 699 00:23:43,380 --> 00:23:45,007 -I was on the back of the line. -(CROWD CLAMORING) 700 00:23:45,090 --> 00:23:47,968 -Look at him! Repeat offender. -This fucking guy. 701 00:23:48,010 --> 00:23:51,013 -I did the back of the line. -Habitual chat-and-cutter. 702 00:23:51,096 --> 00:23:53,140 -(CROWD BOOING, JEERING) -Back of the line! 703 00:23:53,223 --> 00:23:54,516 Back of the fucking line. 704 00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:56,226 -They didn't give me any bread! -(JEERING CONTINUES) 705 00:23:56,310 --> 00:24:00,105 ♪ (LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 706 00:24:07,196 --> 00:24:09,698 -♪ (PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -JACKSON: George Washington was nearing the end 707 00:24:09,740 --> 00:24:11,033 of his second term. 708 00:24:11,116 --> 00:24:12,701 And though the Constitution allowed 709 00:24:12,743 --> 00:24:14,244 -for unlimited re-election... -(QUILL SCRAWLING) 710 00:24:14,328 --> 00:24:16,747 ...Washington thought that it was best for the country 711 00:24:16,830 --> 00:24:19,875 that he step aside, proving to his fellow citizens... 712 00:24:19,917 --> 00:24:22,461 -(INDISTINCT CHEERING) -...that his commitment was to democracy 713 00:24:22,544 --> 00:24:24,088 instead of power. 714 00:24:24,171 --> 00:24:25,798 Washington also warned against 715 00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:27,883 the rise of political factions. 716 00:24:27,967 --> 00:24:31,261 He feared that if people voted in line with party loyalty 717 00:24:31,345 --> 00:24:34,556 instead of the common interest of the nation, 718 00:24:34,598 --> 00:24:36,892 it could promote a spirit of revenge, 719 00:24:36,934 --> 00:24:41,772 leading to the rise of cunning, ambitious, and unprincipled men 720 00:24:41,855 --> 00:24:44,400 who would take the reins of government, 721 00:24:44,483 --> 00:24:47,194 -but that could never happen. -♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪ 722 00:24:47,987 --> 00:24:50,239 My fellow citizens, 723 00:24:50,322 --> 00:24:55,077 I stand before you today as your president to announce 724 00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:58,956 that I shall not be seeking a third term. 725 00:24:59,039 --> 00:25:01,208 (CROWD GASPING, MURMURING) 726 00:25:01,291 --> 00:25:02,793 Your country needs you! 727 00:25:02,876 --> 00:25:05,212 No, in order to ensure 728 00:25:05,254 --> 00:25:09,758 the success of our fledgling democracy, 729 00:25:09,842 --> 00:25:12,761 I believe that no man 730 00:25:12,803 --> 00:25:16,056 should serve more than two terms as president. 731 00:25:16,140 --> 00:25:18,392 -(CROWD GROANING, MURMURING) -GEORGE WASHINGTON: And I hope 732 00:25:18,475 --> 00:25:21,520 that future presidents will follow my lead. 733 00:25:21,603 --> 00:25:24,148 -(CROWD MURMURING) -What if some future president 734 00:25:24,231 --> 00:25:26,066 doesn't follow your lead 735 00:25:26,150 --> 00:25:28,444 and, uh, runs for a third term? 736 00:25:28,527 --> 00:25:29,611 (CROWD MURMURS IN AGREEMENT) 737 00:25:29,695 --> 00:25:31,238 WASHINGTON: There are remedies for that. 738 00:25:31,321 --> 00:25:36,076 The Congress can pass a constitutional amendment 739 00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:38,454 -that would prohibit that. -(CROWD MURMURING) 740 00:25:38,537 --> 00:25:40,956 Well, what if there's some asshole in office, 741 00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:43,500 some narcissistic prick, 742 00:25:43,584 --> 00:25:45,419 who doesn't follow the Constitution? 743 00:25:45,502 --> 00:25:46,628 -(CROWD GASPING) -CROWD MEMBERS: Yeah! 744 00:25:46,712 --> 00:25:47,880 -Yeah. -CROWD MEMBER 1: Then what? 745 00:25:47,963 --> 00:25:49,715 I understand your fervor, sir, 746 00:25:49,798 --> 00:25:52,968 but perhaps you could temper your language. 747 00:25:53,052 --> 00:25:54,636 -(CROWD MURMURING) -My apologies, Mr. President. 748 00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:57,264 You know, I... This really gets up my dander, this stuff. 749 00:25:57,347 --> 00:25:58,557 -You know? -WASHINGTON: I understand. 750 00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:02,728 But rest assured, even if this future president 751 00:26:02,811 --> 00:26:05,147 violated the Constitution, 752 00:26:05,230 --> 00:26:07,858 then the Congress of the United States 753 00:26:07,941 --> 00:26:10,277 and the United States Supreme Court 754 00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:11,820 would not allow it. 755 00:26:11,862 --> 00:26:13,489 (CROWD MURMURING IN AGREEMENT) 756 00:26:13,530 --> 00:26:17,868 But what if the Supreme Court is a bunch of yes-men, 757 00:26:17,951 --> 00:26:20,537 and Congress is a bunch of pussies... 758 00:26:20,621 --> 00:26:23,332 -(CROWD GASPING, MURMURING) -...who care more about party 759 00:26:23,373 --> 00:26:24,500 than country? 760 00:26:24,583 --> 00:26:27,002 -Huh? -(CROWD MURMURS IN AGREEMENT) 761 00:26:27,044 --> 00:26:32,007 Uh, I can't even fathom the existence of such men. 762 00:26:32,049 --> 00:26:34,760 But to further ensure the success 763 00:26:34,843 --> 00:26:36,678 of this grand experiment, 764 00:26:36,762 --> 00:26:38,055 I would suggest 765 00:26:38,138 --> 00:26:41,016 that after every presidential election, 766 00:26:41,100 --> 00:26:44,353 there be a peaceful transfer of power... 767 00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:45,854 -Yes, yes, yes, yes. -(CROWD MURMURING) 768 00:26:45,896 --> 00:26:49,525 ...where the loser accepts the results of the election 769 00:26:49,566 --> 00:26:53,487 and full-throatedly endorses the victor. 770 00:26:53,570 --> 00:26:54,863 -As it should be! -(CROWD CHEERING) 771 00:26:54,905 --> 00:26:56,365 Anyone who wouldn't accept the results 772 00:26:56,406 --> 00:26:59,535 of a free and fair election is a sociopath. 773 00:26:59,576 --> 00:27:01,161 -CROWD MEMBER 2: A madman. -(CROWD MURMURING) 774 00:27:01,203 --> 00:27:04,206 A man like that could even foment an insurrection 775 00:27:04,248 --> 00:27:07,084 rather than just admit that he lost. 776 00:27:07,167 --> 00:27:09,378 -What a cock-sucker! -A scoundrel! 777 00:27:09,419 --> 00:27:11,380 He could use the presidency 778 00:27:11,421 --> 00:27:13,382 to enrich himself and his family. 779 00:27:13,465 --> 00:27:15,175 -(CROWD MURMURING) -No, no. 780 00:27:15,259 --> 00:27:17,761 He could send troops into American cities 781 00:27:17,845 --> 00:27:20,722 to terrorize and even kill American citizens, 782 00:27:20,764 --> 00:27:22,558 all to distract from the fact 783 00:27:22,641 --> 00:27:25,394 that he's friends with a pedophile! 784 00:27:25,435 --> 00:27:27,229 (CROWD MURMURING LOUDLY) 785 00:27:27,271 --> 00:27:29,982 He could attack universities, even the free press, 786 00:27:30,065 --> 00:27:34,236 silencing anyone who dares to criticize him. 787 00:27:34,319 --> 00:27:37,406 Ah, come on. That could never happen. 788 00:27:37,489 --> 00:27:39,741 -That's what you think. -Are you suggesting 789 00:27:39,783 --> 00:27:42,786 that the president would taketh the time 790 00:27:42,870 --> 00:27:46,081 to challenge anyone who dare make fun of him, 791 00:27:46,123 --> 00:27:47,916 as if he were a big baby? 792 00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:49,418 -A big baby. -(CROWD MURMURING) 793 00:27:49,501 --> 00:27:51,128 (SCOFFS) I don't see it. 794 00:27:51,211 --> 00:27:53,422 -CROWD MEMBER 3: Could that even happen in this country? -What duly-elected president 795 00:27:53,463 --> 00:27:54,464 would do such a thing? 796 00:27:54,548 --> 00:27:57,467 An insecure, lying asshole! 797 00:27:57,551 --> 00:27:59,094 Who would even cheat at golf! 798 00:27:59,178 --> 00:28:01,096 -(CROWD GASPING, EXCLAIMING) -He would cheat at golf! 799 00:28:01,180 --> 00:28:02,598 -Ah, that's sick! -(CROWD MURMURING) 800 00:28:02,639 --> 00:28:04,766 -That's vile. -What is golf? 801 00:28:04,808 --> 00:28:06,393 It's a game they invented in Scotland. 802 00:28:06,476 --> 00:28:07,436 It's a lot of fun. 803 00:28:07,477 --> 00:28:11,315 What kind of man would cheat at this golf? 804 00:28:11,398 --> 00:28:13,108 -(CROWD CLAMORING) -An asshole. 805 00:28:13,192 --> 00:28:14,276 A sick man! 806 00:28:14,359 --> 00:28:16,653 And did I mention that he's best friends 807 00:28:16,737 --> 00:28:18,488 -with a pedophile? -(CROWD CLAMORING) 808 00:28:18,572 --> 00:28:20,866 Please, citizens, be calm. 809 00:28:20,949 --> 00:28:23,577 He is only talking hypothetically. 810 00:28:23,660 --> 00:28:28,790 In reality, a man of such poor character 811 00:28:28,874 --> 00:28:31,001 would never be elected president 812 00:28:31,084 --> 00:28:32,711 -in the first place. -(CROWD MURMURING, APPLAUDING) 813 00:28:32,794 --> 00:28:34,963 I'm just spitballing here, Mr. President, 814 00:28:35,005 --> 00:28:38,717 but what if he was a deeply corrupt con man, 815 00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:42,179 a pathological liar who preys on people's prejudices? 816 00:28:42,262 --> 00:28:44,014 -CROWD MEMBERS: Yeah! -Are you positing 817 00:28:44,097 --> 00:28:45,849 that our electorate is a... 818 00:28:45,933 --> 00:28:47,976 a collection of dupes 819 00:28:48,060 --> 00:28:50,479 that would be swayed by such a scoundrel? 820 00:28:50,562 --> 00:28:52,022 Yes, Mr. President! 821 00:28:52,105 --> 00:28:54,608 That's exactly what I'm positing! 822 00:28:54,691 --> 00:28:56,360 -(CROWD GASPING) -If they voted for him, 823 00:28:56,443 --> 00:28:57,736 they must like him! 824 00:28:57,819 --> 00:28:59,279 That's the will of the people! 825 00:28:59,363 --> 00:29:00,739 -(CROWD MURMURING) -That's stupidity! 826 00:29:00,822 --> 00:29:01,990 That's democracy! 827 00:29:02,074 --> 00:29:05,327 Voting for an asshole like that is the end of our democracy! 828 00:29:05,369 --> 00:29:07,496 -(CROWD MURMURING, YELLING) -You're an asshole! 829 00:29:07,537 --> 00:29:09,623 -You're an asshole! -You're an asshole! You and you! 830 00:29:09,706 --> 00:29:11,333 No, you are! You are! You are! 831 00:29:11,416 --> 00:29:13,293 -Shut up, bitch! -(CROWD SHOUTING, CLAMORING) 832 00:29:13,335 --> 00:29:15,295 -♪ ("THE STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER" PLAYING) ♪ -(GRUNTING) 833 00:29:15,379 --> 00:29:17,839 (CROWD YELLING, GRUNTING) 834 00:29:17,881 --> 00:29:19,466 Citizens, please! 835 00:29:19,549 --> 00:29:23,929 (CROWD CLAMORING) 836 00:29:24,012 --> 00:29:26,348 WASHINGTON: Stop! This is madness! 837 00:29:26,431 --> 00:29:28,892 -(SCREAMS) -Citizens! 838 00:29:28,976 --> 00:29:32,187 -(LAUGHS) Yeah! -CROWD MEMBER 4: You're a cock! 839 00:29:32,271 --> 00:29:33,855 (CLAMORING CONTINUES) 840 00:29:33,897 --> 00:29:36,692 -People! Citizens! Stop! I... -Civil war. 841 00:29:36,775 --> 00:29:41,530 I implore you, I beseech you! This is madness! Citizens! 842 00:29:41,571 --> 00:29:43,865 (INDISTINCT CLAMORING) 843 00:29:43,949 --> 00:29:45,200 We're fucked. 844 00:29:47,661 --> 00:29:51,415 ♪ ("THE STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER" CONTINUES) ♪ 845 00:31:02,402 --> 00:31:03,653 ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪