♪ ("THE STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER" PLAYING) ♪
-♪ (CHEERY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -SAMUEL L. JACKSON: In 1803, Thomas Jefferson acquired
the Louisiana Purchase
-from Napoleon for 15 million dollars... -(CASH REGISTER DINGS)
...doubling the size of the United States
at the very nice price of 18 dollars per square mile.
-(INDISTINCT SHOUTING) -JACKSON: President Jefferson tasked Meriwether Lewis
with an expedition west
to explore and document this new territory.
Lewis chose his best friend, William Clark,
as his co-leader on the expedition.
The 8,000-mile journey was expected to last years,
but before they could even begin their famous trek,
the biggest obstacle of all needed to be overcome.
-Lewis's wife, Mavis. -♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
-(CHICKENS CLUCKING) -(COW MOOING)
-♪ (SLOW FOLKSY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(ROOSTER CROWING)
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
-(GASPS) -(MERIWETHER LEWIS LAUGHS)
-Honey! -(LEWIS LAUGHS)
-Oh my God. Ooh! -Oh! Oh.
-I missed you so much. -Oh, my gosh,
-did I miss you! I... I-- -I'm so happy you're home.
Is that... Is that a new bonnet?
It is. I made it while you were gone.
-Very becoming. Excellent work. -Mm-hmm. Yeah. Thank you.
-Excellent job. -Thank you.
You're such a good seamstress, aren't you?
-Oh, I try. I love it. -You can make anything
-you put those little hands on, can't you? -See?
-I miss you so much. I just miss you. -Yeah. (SIGHS)
-Um... -(MAVIS LEWIS SIGHS)
Oh, listen, I know you've been gone,
but there's gonna be a lot of work to do
-around here, okay? -Yeah.
We have the holes for the latrines...
-LEWIS: Yeah. -...that need to be dug before the rains come.
Don't forget, there's all the hides
-that we have to tan from last year... -(MUMBLES)
-...that we didn't get to, so we have to do that. -Yeah. We gotta tan. Yeah.
-Oh, my gosh, it's a lot of work, right? -Yeah.
So how was the meeting with President Jefferson?
Guess what everybody's talking about?
-Another Indian massacre? -No.
-The Louisiana Purchase. -Oh!
-This is such a big deal. -Yes. Huge.
So tell me all about the meeting.
What did he say?
Well... (CHUCKLES)
It's... It's crazy, but, uh... (SIGHS)
...you know, he wants me to explore the, uh,
the Oregon Trail.
-What? -Yeah. The Louisiana Purchase.
-You? -Yeah, yeah. He needs maps
-and he... -Maps?
He-- You know, he wants to know what he bought.
MAVIS: Uh-huh.
-LEWIS: I-- -You just got home, and now you're leaving again?
LEWIS: I know. Well, you think I want to go?
I want to be here with you.
I want to skin the carcasses. I want to tan the hides.
I want to can the fruit, brine the pickles.
I was up for it, ready to do it.
You're doing this alone?
You're going alone on the Oregon Trail?
-No, no. Uh... (SIGHS) -MAVIS: Ah!
-No, uh... -MAVIS: No.
You'll have company.
Clark is, uh...
Clark is-- Clark's going...
Clark's gonna go with me.
-William Clark? -Yeah, yeah, William.
Yeah, William's coming. Yeah.
-Your best friend and fishing buddy? -(LEWIS HESITATES)
Jefferson wants Clark to go with me. (HESITATES)
-You think I want Clark? He's a whiner. -Clark?
-He complains all the time. -Oh.
He's a bad climber. Guy's got bunions.
-Bunions? -And all he does is,
"Oh, my foot, my toes, my toe..."
I was doing my best to get out of it.
-That's all, honey. -You-- God.
I don't wanna go exploring with Clark.
So the president wanted you to map the Oregon Trail
with your best friend, William Clark.
It's kind of the definition of a coincidence.
-MAVIS: Uh-huh. -Here you have my best friend,
and without even me mentioning him
to President Jefferson, he says,
"I want William Clark to go with you."
He doesn't even know we're friends.
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR) -Oh, excuse me.
Who could that be?
-(LAUGHS) Hey, William! -Hey!
-Oh my God, what a surprise! -Clark.
Well, I heard you just got back.
-Yeah! Hey, honey! Look, look. -MAVIS: William Clark.
-We were just talking about you. -Oh!
-MAVIS: Mm-hmm. -Yeah.
-How's Abigail? -Good.
-MAVIS: Right, good, good. -Yes, good.
And, uh, how are your bunions?
-What? My what? -Bunions.
-Your bunions? Your bunions. -Oh.
-The bunions. Yeah, good. -Your bunion problem.
-MAVIS: Bunions. -Yeah.
-Bunions are good. -They're good.
-You're doing the, uh, the willow bark, right? -Willow bark.
-Willow bark? Yeah. -Yeah, I did the willow bark.
-You chew on it. -MAVIS: Mm.
No, you're supposed to rub the bark on the bunions.
I do that, too.
I do a rub and chew, and then the toe
-just went like that. -(SCOFFS)
-A rub and chew? -WILLIAM CLARK: Yeah.
-It's a miracle. -No-- Yeah, it was a miracle.
All right. Well, I'll let you two chew the fat.
I have chores to do.
LEWIS: Got chores.
-(MAVIS SIGHS HEAVILY) -Lot of laundry
-for one person. -LEWIS: (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
(SIGHS)
-So, did you tell her? -Yeah, yeah. I told her.
-Is she cool? -(WHISPERING) No, no.
-It's not cool. It's not cool at all. No, no. -It's not cool?
-Did you tell Abigail? -Yes, I told her.
-Well, what'd she say? -Not cool.
-LEWIS: Oh, yeah. -Yeah, but come on.
-LEWIS: We're going. Yeah, yeah. -We gotta go.
-Come on. -There's not even a question about it.
-We're going. -CLARK: Yes.
-Okay, good. Good. -We are going.
-Bring your fishing rod. -Oh, yeah.
-LEWIS: Yeah. -I got lures.
-LEWIS: Oh, beautiful. Yeah. -I got bait.
What about a net? You got a net?
No, I don't have a net.
-I'm gonna use my hat. -LEWIS: What?
-Use my hat. -LEWIS: Great.
-So the whole trip will just be us having fun. -Yeah.
-Having fun, yeah. -Fishing.
-Fishing, yeah. -And... And that's it, right?
You know, we gotta do some exploring.
-Yeah. -LEWIS: Yeah.
What d-- What does that entail?
Well, I imagine it's going to a place
you've never been before, and you...
-you know, you look around. -Oh, we can do that.
-Yeah. (LAUGHS) It's easy. -That's not hard.
-It's easy. Yeah. -Yeah.
-You went to Washington. -LEWIS: Yeah.
-You saw Jefferson. -LEWIS: Yeah.
-What's he like? -A prick.
-CLARK: Really? -Yeah.
He's a strange guy.
-Always running to France. -LEWIS: Yeah.
What is he doing in France?
-Oh. -LEWIS: (SOFTLY) Yeah.
Hey, what about us? Can we bring some squaws?
You can't say "squaws" anymore.
-CLARK: Oh. -Only they can say squaws.
-CLARK: They can say squaws. -Yeah, we can't say squaws.
-Teepee? -I think teepee's cool.
Wampum? Can you say wampum?
-That's kind of a gray area. -Ah, whatever.
-This trip is gonna be so great. -(DOOR OPENS)
-So great. -So great.
What's gonna be so great?
(HESITATES) It's a great... It's a great burden...
-CLARK: Yes. -...to have to leave...
-Mm-hmm. -...our families
-and go away on this crazy thing. -Yeah.
-Mm-hmm. -We don't wanna go.
But the responsibility that we feel to our president...
-President, fellow man. -...our fellow man, our--
Service to the country.
-CLARK: Service to the country, that's right. -Yeah.
You know what? You...
-You need to pack, don't you? -I do.
-MAVIS: No, no. (MUMBLES) -Yeah.
I just have a couple of questions.
So, William,
-President Jefferson... -CLARK: Mm-hmm.
...chose you to go on this expedition?
He did.
Ah, so you've met President Jefferson?
-CLARK: Yeah, yeah. -Uh-huh. What's he like?
He's a prick.
Have you ever explored before?
You're an explorer just by being alive.
'Cause any place I go that I haven't been,
I'm exploring.
-You're exploring? -CLARK: Yes.
Since he got out of the womb, he's been exploring.
-I observe. -You should see-- Look... Look at his eyes.
-Yeah. -Look at the wide-eyed...
-He's a wide-eyed fella. -(MAVIS CHUCKLES)
LEWIS: He has unbounding curiosity.
And while you're doing that, I assume that you'll go fishing.
-(SCOFFS) Yeah, survival fishing. -Yeah, but...
-Right, right. -Oh, survival?
-So... So not fun fishing. -No, no, no.
-We're not fun fishing. -Not at all.
-We fish to eat. -Yeah.
So, uh, how long is this whole thing gonna take?
-It's gonna take... -Uh, not gonna-- not very long.
-MAVIS: Not long? -Couple of years.
MAVIS: Wait. "Couple of years"?
-A couple years? While you're-- -No. (SCOFFS)
He d-- He doesn't know what he's talking about, okay?
-CLARK: At the most. -No, are you telling me
that this Clark and Lewis expedition
-is gonna take a couple of years? -Who? The what?
It's not Clark and Lewis. It's Lewis and Clark.
-No, it's Clark and Lewis. -CLARK: What--
-LEWIS: Please. Can-- Please. -Clark and Lewis, alphabetical.
We're Lewis and Clark, that's it.
It is interesting
-to look at it alphabetically. -MAVIS: Yes.
You can look at it alphabetically,
but that doesn't make it interesting.
-It's like ham and eggs. -Right.
Eggs precedes ham in the alphabet...
-Mm-hmm. -...and yet it sounds
so much better when you say "ham and eggs."
Yet it tastes the same,
whether it's "ham and eggs" or "eggs and ham."
Nobody's eating us, Clark.
Something's eating me.
Is anybody else going on this trip with you?
-No, no, no. -No, no, no.
-MAVIS: No? -Mm-mm. No, yeah.
-Couple Indian gals. -MAVIS: "Gals"?
Indian women are going?
LEWIS: But they're old.
-Old Indian gals? -Old Indians.
-Yes. -Uh-huh.
-Old, infirmed. -Yeah.
-Infirm? -Yes.
Gnarled.
-Gnarled. -MAVIS: "Gnarled"?
-LEWIS: Gnarled, yes. -Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Why are they sending
squaws with you?
-Oh, you can't... you can't say squaws. -You can't say squaws.
-Can't say squaws? -Can't say squaws.
-No. -Okay. What are they gonna do?
-They're gonna navigate. -We need directions.
-Directions. -Yeah.
Who knows better than the old Indian women?
-Right. That's right. -No. Yeah, you have a point.
-Besides, they wanna get them off the reservation... -Yeah.
-Uh-huh. Yeah. -...because they're unsightly.
They don't really want--
-They're unsightly? -All right. You know what?
MAVIS: I'm just so curious about this.
You... You need to... You need to pack. No?
-I do. I got clothes on the line. I... -Packing to do.
-MAVIS: Yeah. Okay. Gotta go. -Yeah.
All right. I'll see you in a minute.
(DOOR OPENS)
♪ (UPBEAT BANJO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Can you believe it? -Can you believe it?
She... She bought the whole thing?
-The whole thing. -The whole thing.
-Everything. The bunions. I don't know what a bunion is. -The bun-- The bunions. We--
-I've never had a bunion. -Well, how about... how about...
-how about the rub and chew? -CLARK: Hey, listen.
Would you come with me to my house and talk to Abigail
so I can get off the hook like you did?
-Yeah. -Great.
-Yeah, of course. -Come on. Let's go to my house.
-Okay, come on. -♪ (MUSIC SLOWS) ♪
-Where are you going? -Where are you going?
My house.
-Yeah, it's this way. -No, it isn't.
It's right down the path.
Yeah, that path over there.
Are you sure?
I think so.
Huh? What am I thinking of?
-I... I thought it-- -I thought...
♪ (LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JACKSON: Our democracy differs from others
in that a candidate can be elected president
even if they don't get the most votes.
-Odd, no? -♪ (PATRIOTIC PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JACKSON: For reasons that defy logic,
the Founding Fathers enshrined in the Constitution
-the Electoral College... -(GAVEL POUNDING)
...which, confusingly, is not a university.
It's not even a place, but a process,
where each state has a certain number of electors
determined by their population.
Because of this bizarre process, five times in U.S. history,
the winner of the popular vote has lost the presidency.
In 1876, Democrat Samuel J. Tilden
ran against the Republican Rutherford B. Hayes.
On election night, the volatile Tilden
awaited the results in his hotel room.
-SAMUEL J. TILDEN: This is brilliant. -Thank you.
TILDEN: What a brilliant acceptance speech.
-Thank you! -Thank you, Governor.
How about this line?
"From the shores of the Hudson
to the rolling hills of the North Country,
-your voices have been heard." -"Have been heard."
-Hope I get to deliver this. -Thank you, sir.
I'm thinking of Seaburn for Treasury.
Yes.
-Coleman for State. -It's creative.
Not really any experience in foreign affairs, but...
No, but you can control him.
-Yeah, absolutely. -Yeah.
TILDEN: I'll tell you what else I'm thinking.
I'm thinking of making you...
the first Black cabinet member.
-Postmaster General, you, sir! -AIDE 1: Oh! (CHUCKLES) Wow.
I don't know what to say.
-AIDE 1: Wonderful. (LAUGHS) -You, sir!
I'll deliver.
-(LAUGHING) -You'll deliver! I love it!
I love it!
Um, just been thinking about moving into the White House.
First of all, we gotta change the mattress.
Grant-- I'm not gonna sleep on his disgusting...
-He drinks, he smokes in bed. -Yeah.
I'm... I'm pretty sure they're gonna handle that.
Do they bring in a new mattress?
-Absolutely. -We don't know that.
You know what they'll do? They'll flip the mattress.
-That's what they'll do. -(CAMPAIGN MANAGER GROANS)
-That's like 100 years of nastiness. -AIDE 1: Mm-hmm.
We gotta get all new sheets.
Who pays for that? Do I pay for that personally?
-Taxpayers. -What about the moving itself?
We got our guys in there ready to do that.
-What about the tipping, when the movers... -CAMPAIGN MANAGER: The tipping?
TILDEN: What do you tip those guys?
'Cause sometimes you have no change, you gotta give them a dollar.
We're not giving anybody a dollar.
This whole White House thing, it's the people's house.
-People pay. -So I'm not paying for shit?
You don't pay for jack shit.
-I like the sound of that. -Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Governor, I have the results of the election.
(ALL BREATHE DEEPLY)
Eighty-two percent of the country voted.
Almost an entire nation.
The popular vote winner,
by 250,000 votes,
is Governor Tilden.
-(ALL CHEERING) -(SCATTING ENERGETICALLY)
♪ (UPBEAT CELEBRATORY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-AIDE 2: But... -(CHEERING CONTINUES)
-But... -(CHEERING CONTINUES)
-But... -Time to light up.
-Let's find something. -AIDE 1: I didn't bring mine.
-AIDE 2: There's more. -♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
-Say what now? -What?
The Electoral College vote.
One hundred-eighty-four, Tilden.
One hundred-eighty-five, Hayes.
-Come again? -What?
Hayes won.
-♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -Wait, what?
-AIDE 2: He's the president. -Huh?
Wait, what? Huh?
(EXHALES SHARPLY) Huh?
You lost.
-(ANGRILY) No! No! I won! I won! -♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
I won! I won! I had the most votes!
-What the fuck is an Electoral College? -Yeah!
You can't just take a vote!
What kind of bullshit is that?
-It's in the Constitution. -(TILDEN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)
No, no, no! It's not fair! It's not fair! I won! I won!
What kind of country is this?
-It's a democracy. -No, it's not a democracy!
I got the most votes!
Who made this up, this Electoral College?
The Founding fucking Fathers? What a bunch of morons!
Madison, I'd like to punch him in his face.
That prick! The person with the most votes wins!
-AIDE 1: Oh, Jesus! -(AIDES GASP)
-Governor, please calm down. -Which states screwed us?
Louisiana, South Carolina, and Florida.
-Florida! Oh, those cocksuckers! -(AIDES GRUMBLE, GROAN)
-(TILDEN MUTTERING ANGRILY) -(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
-Everything all right? -What the fuck do you want?
-AIDE 3: Mr. President! -Get the fuck out of here!
-Get out, you lickspittle! -AIDE 3: Oh! Whoa!
Why do we even have an Electoral College?
Because the Republicans won't pass a constitutional amendment
because they'll know they'll lose every election,
those cocksuckers!
It's the only competition in the world
where if you win, you lose!
-You lose! You lose! -(AIDES EXCLAIMING)
-You lose! You lose! -(GLASS SHATTERING)
AIDE 1: Oh, jeez.
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
-It's not fair. -AIDE 1: Makes no sense.
We need to work on your concession speech.
-(YELLING ANGRILY) -AIDE 3: Governor, no!
-(INDISTINCT CLAMOR) -♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Wait! Wait! Wait! -(CONTINUES YELLING ANGRILY)
Oh, no! Governor, no! Wait!
-Jeez, sir! -Governor! No!
-I'm the president! I'm the president! -AIDE 3: Don't kill yourself!
-Governor, it's not worth it! It's not worth it! -I won, I won!
I won! I'm the president!
♪ (LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JACKSON: The Great Depression began
with the stock market crash
-in October, 1929. -♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-JACKSON: Stock prices plummeted 50 percent in ten weeks... -(INDISTINCT CLAMORING)
...wiping out billions in wealth.
People lost their jobs, their life savings,
and their homes.
Financial ruin and high unemployment led
to widespread despair, and suicide was rampant.
Lines for soup kitchens stretched for blocks.
People were grateful
for any handouts they could get.
-Well, most people. -(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Extra, extra.
Hoover says it's the Coolidge Depression.
Read all about it.
Hoover says it's the Coolidge Depression.
MAN 1: What's the hold up today?
Look at this.
There's no end to this line, you know?
-It's crazy. -Unbelievable.
-Yeah. Terrible. -♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
Hey, uh, Ralph. How you doing, man?
-Been a long time. -Hey, pal.
-MAN 2: Can I get a spare cigarette? -What are you doing?
I'm just having a little talk with, uh, my buddy Ralph here.
Give me a break. You hardly even know this guy, I'm sure.
We go way back. We played baseball together.
LARRY DAVID: He's not your buddy. You're lying.
I know what you're doing. You're doing a chat-and-cut.
You can't do that here.
I don't even know what a chat-and-cut is.
It's when you pretend that you know somebody
better than you do so you can sneak on the line.
We grew up together.
Chat-and-cuts are only for immediate family.
Not even cousins are allowed.
Who appointed you as the chancellor
-of the chat-and-cut? -LARRY: My father.
And he died, and now I'm the new chancellor.
Your father was full of shit, and you're full of shit, too.
Twenty years ago, I would have beat the shit out of you.
-Yeah, sure. Good luck with the soup. -MAN 3: Scram to the rear!
I mean, of course, I wouldn't have beat the shit out of him.
(HESITATES) I couldn't beat the shit out of anybody,
-but it's-- it's fun to say. I can tell you that. Yeah. -It is. It is fun to say.
-Yeah. -It would be fun to be able to say and back it up.
-You know? -I know. I could picture it, actually.
-Yeah. Yeah. -I could picture it, yeah.
Oh, by the way, did you hear about Stu Mackey?
Committed suicide. Jumped off a bridge.
-Oh my God. -I know.
I know him very well.
Yeah, he left a suicide note, said goodbye to everybody,
mentioned his wife, family, close friends,
Marty, Bob, Mel, Jeff Salcido.
Did he... he mention me?
Mm. I don't think so, no.
-He didn't mention me? -No, he did not.
I know him way better than Jeff Salcido.
Wonder why he didn't mention me. I just saw him last week.
We were on the breadline together.
We exchanged a lot of confidences, okay?
-I opened up to him. -Right.
I confided in him about how I got out of the Great War.
-BARNEY: Really? -By pretending I was crazy.
-You did that? -LARRY: Yeah. (CHUCKLING)
I went in there, and I went...
(IN NASALLY VOICE) "Uh, this is-- I haven't been
out of my house in five years.
-This is the first time." -Oh my God.
"I can't fight anybody. I don't..."
-(IN NORMAL VOICE) Yeah. -I didn't know imbecile was like a category.
-So it is. -LARRY: By the way,
let's keep my army thing, uh, between us.
Right. I told them I was a homosexual.
-That's how I got out of it. -Smart.
Yeah. I mean, I'm not, you know?
I mean, that goes without saying.
-Why did you say it? -Well, I'm just saying...
Seems to me if it goes without saying,
there was-- there's really no reason to say it.
Sometimes when it goes without saying,
you just have to say that it goes without saying
just to make sure nobody says it.
-Right. -I'm saying don't tell anybody that's what I did.
-To get out of the army. -Exactly.
-LARRY: Sure. -Right? Yeah.
That goes without saying too, right?
-Again. -That's a separate thought.
-Um... -You know what I'm saying?
-Sure. -(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
SOUP SERVER 1: Keep it moving.
I just don't get why I wasn't mentioned in that note.
Is it possible I... I offended him in some way?
What did you say? Did you say something to him?
Well, I... I complimented him on his potato sack.
-You did what? -Yeah, he was wearing a potato sack,
and I thought it was very becoming on him
compared to other potato sacks.
It was a really good-looking potato sack.
So I said, "Hey, that's a nice potato sack."
You told him it was nice?
A lot of people can't pull it off.
He actually could. He looked good in it.
Nobody tries to pull off a potato sack.
He was clearly embarrassed.
I asked him actually where he got the potato sack
in case I might need to get one.
It was a compliment. Look at that potato sack.
Would you wear that? No.
Look at that potato sack. It's terrible.
-BARNEY: No... -LARRY: He looks awful in it. You know, it's all relative.
There are terrible potato sacks.
There have to be good potato sacks.
-BARNEY: No. -He had a particularly good potato sack.
So, you're saying attractive potato sack?
In comparison to these others, that's all I'm saying.
You know what? Regardless,
it's no reason not to mention someone
in a suicide note.
It's just not fair.
Next. Here you go.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-Thank you. -DOMINIC: Mm-hmm.
(SLURPS, SMACKS LIPS)
-Thank you. -First of all,
-thank you for the soup. -You're welcome.
May I make a suggestion?
-Okay. -It's a little bland.
-Soup's fine. -Could use a little salt.
-Yeah, there's no salt. -No salt?
-We don't salt the soup. -It's a little unusual.
Usually there's soup, there's salt.
Hey, buddy, beggars can't be choosers.
You know what? I'm a choosy beggar.
You want to give the soup back?
We got plenty of other people here who'll eat the soup.
-(HESITATES) I'll eat the soup. -DOMINIC: Oh, okay.
SOUP SERVER 1: Keep it moving.
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -(LARRY SIGHS)
SOUP SERVER 2: One soup, one bread.
Hey, you got bread? I didn't get any bread.
Bread, bread, bread, bread. Everybody's got bread.
You know anybody with worse luck than me?
Stu Mackey.
-I'm getting bread. -SOUP SERVER 3: Next!
-I didn't get any bread. -CROWD: Hey!
(INDISTINCT CLAMORING)
Hey, what are you doing?
No, no, no. I'm just getting a piece of bread.
-(INDISTINCT CLAMORING) -You gotta get in line to get the bread.
-But I was already in line. -You already got bread.
I didn't get bread.
You sandbagging son of a bitch! You're cutting the line.
-I'm not cutting. -Yep. Chat-and-cutter.
-Get to the back. -You don't go
to the back of the line for bread.
-Get back. Back of the line. -Get to the back.
-Ah, shut up! Shut up. -(CROWD JEERING)
It's annoying! Just go back of the line.
LARRY: Uh, go to hell!
Drop dead, the whole bunch of you, you filthy bums.
Twenty years ago, I'd beat the shit out of all of you.
-WOMAN: Yeah, sit down. -Yeah, 20 years ago.
Not now.
Not now, but 20 years ago, I could have.
-MAN: Either take a seat or get out of here. -Twenty years ago.
-You didn't get any bread? -No.
-Hmm. -Hey.
Is that Stu Mackey's widow on the line?
BARNEY: Mm. Yeah, Gloria. Really sad.
I'm gonna ask her about that note.
That doesn't sound like a good idea.
-I'll be right back. -SOUP SERVER 3: Next!
Gloria.
-Hi. -Hi.
-Heard about Stu. -Mm.
-So sorry. -Thank you.
Oh, did you have any idea this was going to happen?
I had no idea.
Did he ever tell you that he was depressed or anything?
No, he seemed so happy.
-He'd just purchased a brand-new potato sack. -LARRY: Hmm.
You know, I complimented him on that potato sack.
I thought he looked great in it.
I mean, you look at some of these other potato sacks,
forget it. His was way better.
Reminds me so much of him.
-Oh, the potato sacks? Yeah. -LARRY: Yeah.
Do you think about him every time you eat a potato?
You know what?
I was a little, uh, jealous. In case I needed a potato sack,
-I'd like to get one like that. -GLORIA: Mm.
LARRY: Do you still have the potato sack?
-He jumped in the potato sack. -Ah!
We don't have it anymore.
Why would you jump in your best potato sack?
-(SIGHS) Guess we'll never know. -Stu.
-You know, we were close. -Mm.
Did he ever talk about me?
-No. -Not a word?
He told me you guys talked a little.
Like, he informed me how you got out of fighting in the war
by pretending to be an imbecile.
That was personal. He shouldn't have told you that.
Well, we shared things, Larry. We were married.
Well, you didn't share that much.
He didn't tell you why he killed himself.
I'm just saying, you said you share a lot-- everything,
you were married, but he didn't share that.
You know, I'm really just trying to remember
the good times right now.
LARRY: Would you say he had a negative opinion
of me pretending to be an imbecile?
Why would you ask that?
Because he wrote this lengthy,
-from what I understand, suicide note. -(GROANS)
The note.
But he did mention a lot of people I know
-in the note. -Many people.
But not me.
No. Never mentioned you.
And I'm just wondering, why leave a guy like me
-out of a note like that? -Why do you care?
'Cause it's not fair.
So my husband jumps off a bridge and commits suicide,
but him leaving you out of this note is what's unfair?
You can see how my feelings would be hurt by that.
I'm so sorry for you.
Thank you.
Um, anyway, water under the bridge.
(GASPS, SOBS) Oh, God.
Yeah, okay.
Forget water, and-- Forget water and bridges.
Um, just, uh, let's put it behind us.
-It's really hard to think about. -I guess it is. I guess it is.
-Very, very sad. -(HESITATES) I'm really... I'm really...
really sorry. Really sorry.
-Thank you. -And you're doing okay?
-Are you doing ok-- -No, I'm doing terrible.
I've never been so sad in my whole life.
-I can barely keep it together. -Let me propose this, okay?
There's a soup kitchen downtown. Way better than this one.
The lines are very short. They got great coffee.
Let's go there and get some coffee.
-What? -Come on. We'll sit down.
Have a couple of laughs.
-Me and you? -Yeah.
Larry, I'm... I'm mourning.
Yes, yes, of course, mourn. Mourn away.
Far be it for me to take away from a good mourn.
But, you know, mourners have to eat and drink.
Mourners do everything a regular person does,
but they do it in a slower, somber way.
Mourners are like regular people,
except they don't really have a spring to their step.
Like, I've walked with mourners before,
and it's really difficult.
Like, after ten minutes, I turned around,
the mourner was 50 yards behind me.
I said, "Come on, mourner, catch up.
Come on, move it, mourner."
Hey, if I had to give one piece of advice
to a non-mourner, it would be,
"Never go on a hike with a mourner
because you will live to regret it."
Okay, Larry, here's the thing. Let me make this
-very clear here, okay? -Sure.
-If I wasn't a mourner... -Okay, you're not a mourner.
...if I wasn't in mourning, if I was a single person
and you were the last man
-on this planet... -Mm.
-...I wouldn't go on any hikes with you... -Hmm.
...or drink any coffees...
-Yeah. -...or liquids together.
Okay, I get that. That's a 50-50 thing.
You got a coin flip, you get the coffee,
-you don't get the-- -Shut up, Larry.
Get to the back of the fucking line.
Okay.
Oh, hey.
You know what? Could you get an extra piece of bread?
-'Cause I didn't get any bread-- -Back of the line.
-No chat-and-cuts. -I was on the back of the line.
-I did the back of the line. -Back of the line.
-I was on the back of the line. -(CROWD CLAMORING)
-Look at him! Repeat offender. -This fucking guy.
-I did the back of the line. -Habitual chat-and-cutter.
-(CROWD BOOING, JEERING) -Back of the line!
Back of the fucking line.
-They didn't give me any bread! -(JEERING CONTINUES)
♪ (LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-♪ (PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -JACKSON: George Washington was nearing the end
of his second term.
And though the Constitution allowed
-for unlimited re-election... -(QUILL SCRAWLING)
...Washington thought that it was best for the country
that he step aside, proving to his fellow citizens...
-(INDISTINCT CHEERING) -...that his commitment was to democracy
instead of power.
Washington also warned against
the rise of political factions.
He feared that if people voted in line with party loyalty
instead of the common interest of the nation,
it could promote a spirit of revenge,
leading to the rise of cunning, ambitious, and unprincipled men
who would take the reins of government,
-but that could never happen. -♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
My fellow citizens,
I stand before you today as your president to announce
that I shall not be seeking a third term.
(CROWD GASPING, MURMURING)
Your country needs you!
No, in order to ensure
the success of our fledgling democracy,
I believe that no man
should serve more than two terms as president.
-(CROWD GROANING, MURMURING) -GEORGE WASHINGTON: And I hope
that future presidents will follow my lead.
-(CROWD MURMURING) -What if some future president
doesn't follow your lead
and, uh, runs for a third term?
(CROWD MURMURS IN AGREEMENT)
WASHINGTON: There are remedies for that.
The Congress can pass a constitutional amendment
-that would prohibit that. -(CROWD MURMURING)
Well, what if there's some asshole in office,
some narcissistic prick,
who doesn't follow the Constitution?
-(CROWD GASPING) -CROWD MEMBERS: Yeah!
-Yeah. -CROWD MEMBER 1: Then what?
I understand your fervor, sir,
but perhaps you could temper your language.
-(CROWD MURMURING) -My apologies, Mr. President.
You know, I... This really gets up my dander, this stuff.
-You know? -WASHINGTON: I understand.
But rest assured, even if this future president
violated the Constitution,
then the Congress of the United States
and the United States Supreme Court
would not allow it.
(CROWD MURMURING IN AGREEMENT)
But what if the Supreme Court is a bunch of yes-men,
and Congress is a bunch of pussies...
-(CROWD GASPING, MURMURING) -...who care more about party
than country?
-Huh? -(CROWD MURMURS IN AGREEMENT)
Uh, I can't even fathom the existence of such men.
But to further ensure the success
of this grand experiment,
I would suggest
that after every presidential election,
there be a peaceful transfer of power...
-Yes, yes, yes, yes. -(CROWD MURMURING)
...where the loser accepts the results of the election
and full-throatedly endorses the victor.
-As it should be! -(CROWD CHEERING)
Anyone who wouldn't accept the results
of a free and fair election is a sociopath.
-CROWD MEMBER 2: A madman. -(CROWD MURMURING)
A man like that could even foment an insurrection
rather than just admit that he lost.
-What a cock-sucker! -A scoundrel!
He could use the presidency
to enrich himself and his family.
-(CROWD MURMURING) -No, no.
He could send troops into American cities
to terrorize and even kill American citizens,
all to distract from the fact
that he's friends with a pedophile!
(CROWD MURMURING LOUDLY)
He could attack universities, even the free press,
silencing anyone who dares to criticize him.
Ah, come on. That could never happen.
-That's what you think. -Are you suggesting
that the president would taketh the time
to challenge anyone who dare make fun of him,
as if he were a big baby?
-A big baby. -(CROWD MURMURING)
(SCOFFS) I don't see it.
-CROWD MEMBER 3: Could that even happen in this country? -What duly-elected president
would do such a thing?
An insecure, lying asshole!
Who would even cheat at golf!
-(CROWD GASPING, EXCLAIMING) -He would cheat at golf!
-Ah, that's sick! -(CROWD MURMURING)
-That's vile. -What is golf?
It's a game they invented in Scotland.
It's a lot of fun.
What kind of man would cheat at this golf?
-(CROWD CLAMORING) -An asshole.
A sick man!
And did I mention that he's best friends
-with a pedophile? -(CROWD CLAMORING)
Please, citizens, be calm.
He is only talking hypothetically.
In reality, a man of such poor character
would never be elected president
-in the first place. -(CROWD MURMURING, APPLAUDING)
I'm just spitballing here, Mr. President,
but what if he was a deeply corrupt con man,
a pathological liar who preys on people's prejudices?
-CROWD MEMBERS: Yeah! -Are you positing
that our electorate is a...
a collection of dupes
that would be swayed by such a scoundrel?
Yes, Mr. President!
That's exactly what I'm positing!
-(CROWD GASPING) -If they voted for him,
they must like him!
That's the will of the people!
-(CROWD MURMURING) -That's stupidity!
That's democracy!
Voting for an asshole like that is the end of our democracy!
-(CROWD MURMURING, YELLING) -You're an asshole!
-You're an asshole! You and you!
No, you are! You are! You are!
-Shut up, bitch! -(CROWD SHOUTING, CLAMORING)
-♪ ("THE STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER" PLAYING) ♪ -(GRUNTING)
(CROWD YELLING, GRUNTING)
Citizens, please!
(CROWD CLAMORING)
WASHINGTON: Stop! This is madness!
-(SCREAMS) -Citizens!
-(LAUGHS) Yeah! -CROWD MEMBER 4: You're a cock!
(CLAMORING CONTINUES)
-People! Citizens! Stop! I... -Civil war.
I implore you, I beseech you! This is madness! Citizens!
(INDISTINCT CLAMORING)
We're fucked.
♪ ("THE STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER" CONTINUES) ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪