[Zac] Feels like my balls are literally on fire!
[Randy] Is this normal, Lando?
I thought Szykiel said it was an easy recovery!
[Landon] The first 48 are always the worst.
It'll be smooth sailing after that.
[Randy] I hope so! Mr. Barklidge is next week!
[Landon] Oh, please. He'll be yanking it non-stop by then.
-[Randy] From your lips to God's ears. -It hurts, Dad.
-[Landon] He's fine! Jeez. -[Randy] Okay, buddy. Sit up. Sit up.
-Sit up. Okay. Hold on. Let me hold you. -[Zac screams]
[Landon] It turned out great.
[groovy theme music plays]
So, Mrs. Kreischer, is it your assertion
that you baked these cookies yourself using vegetable oil?
Yes.
At least that's what the label said.
But you're questioning the validity of that?
Well, it's the only plausible explanation for how peanut oil got into my cookies.
And do you have any way of proving that this mislabeling occurred?
Do you have any way of proving that it didn't?
[tense music plays]
[lawyer] All right, team, let's grab some lunch.
Wow. You were something in there.
Yeah? Okay, good.
Happy to help any way I can.
-Mmm. -I just-- I want to make this right.
Oh, I so appreciate that.
Yeah.
I mean, Walter did say it's a long shot, though.
-Seriously? -Yeah.
He's kind of worried it'll come across far-fetched.
-Huh. -I know. That threw me too.
And he mentioned something about how the jury might find
the whole thing complete bullshit.
Does that make sense?
I mean, yes and no.
-Mmm. -Yeah.
Look, they say cases are won and lost in jury selection.
-So I think if we're smart about who we-- -Sure, sure.
But I think the concern he had there was that no one in the jury pool
would be stupid enough to buy any of this crap.
-I-- I don't know. I'm not a lawyer. -Wow.
-That's disappointing. -Mmm.
Well, I guess we took it as far as we could.
Mmm. There is one last thing Walter said we could do.
But I don't want you to feel uncomfortable.
You know what? I will do whatever it takes to help you win this thing.
Great. I'm so happy to hear you say that.
I'll have him schedule the polygraph for tomorrow.
Polygraph?
Maybe I could try to beat it.
Could take a couple of Xanax, get my blood pressure down.
Jesus, what am I saying?
Oh, you put up a good fight, hon.
Sometimes, it's best to know when to fold 'em.
Yeah. I just hate seeing her win.
Yeah, it's tough to watch.
So the guys never figured out who leaked the surgery?
-Hmm? -Landon didn't-- he never got a new phone?
Mm-mmm.
He didn't even try to log in from a different device, nothing?
No, they're not tech-savvy, I guess.
-Doesn't Randy own a software company? -Oh, I think it went under.
-Probably 'cause he fucking sucked at it. -And Kiersten?
What, are you writing a fucking book? I haven't heard from her.
Well, it just goes to show you, blackmail doesn't work, you know?
As long as you're willing to stand strong, have some semblance of a spine.
Yeah.
[mellow music plays]
[ominous music plays]
Dad, get your ass in here!
What is it? Oh, fuck me!
-Oh, fuck. It fucking tore. -[Mayumi] What's happening?
It fucking tore! They're gonna fall out! They're gonna--
-They're gonna fall out! -What?
Your balls, they're gonna be on the fucking ground! [echoing]
[Georgia] I did not expect this to happen at all.
I have a lot of people to thank, so let's get through it.
First, let me say thank you to the student body,
who clearly have excellent taste.
-Uh, now, to the people who got-- -[knocks]
[gentle music plays]
Hi.
[sighs]
What do you think? Miss Barklidge material?
[exhales and chuckles]
They should be so lucky.
[laughs] Thank you.
I have to admit, though, it does feel really weird to, like, fit in
after being an outcast for so long.
Yeah. Exciting times.
But in the off chance that, tonight,
your name isn't the one that's announced as the winner,
I just want you to know I'm proud of you.
Thanks. But winning would be cool.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
You know, a lot of people say runner-up
is sometimes as good, if not better, than winning.
-People say that? -Of course, winning's important.
But there's so much to learn when you lose.
Yeah. That's true, but I'd still rather win, so…
You know who won? John F. Kennedy. They shot him.
You know what they say, "Heavy is the crown."
I've never heard that, I don't think.
Either way, it's kinda nice to know your name was in the conversation, right?
I don't really give a fuck about the conversation.
Yeah, well, it's out of our hands.
-Thank you, Dad. -It's out of our hands.
-Yeah. -All right.
Uh, Dad?
-Yeah? -One more thing.
I just want to say thank you.
-Hmm? -For everything.
Um, I have to admit,
I doubted you, like, every step of the way.
But you really came through.
So, thank you.
You-- Yeah. [clears throat] You're welcome.
Love you.
Yeah, I-- I love you too.
[smooth jazz music plays faintly]
[Miriam] Go straight down the hall. Have a great night.
-Ah, the Kreischers! -[Bert] Hey.
-Hi! -Well, don't you look nice?
Thank you, Ms. Rossmyre.
Was quite the process. Took all hands on deck.
-[laughs] -Okay, honey. Hey, go somewhere. Just go.
Georgia, you can check in down the hall.
-Perfect. Thank you. -Whoo!
-We are so proud of you. You got this. -Thank you, guys.
Go get 'em.
You're not nervous, are you?
I'm-- No. [chuckles]
I imagine you've played a room this size before?
Yeah, I have.
Uh, usually they're a little more wasted, but you know…
[laughs]
Right, and you had your shtick to fall back on.
Hey, yeah. [chuckles]
-Yeah. -[both laugh]
-All right, I gotta go. Love you. -Break a leg. I love you.
All right. Awesome.
You're good.
Hey, can I ask you about the funding for the new gym coming--
Oh, my God, what a huge win.
And it wouldn't have been possible without your husband.
His vote put it over the top.
-His vote did? -[sighs]
He has been such a great addition to the Barklidge community.
I gotta say, he's really surprised me.
[both chuckle]
Yeah, you and me both.
[intriguing music plays]
[man] Mrs. Kreischer?
Do you have a minute?
[footsteps approaching]
[menacing music plays]
You have an opening joke?
Besides yourself?
[sighs]
Yeah, Kiersten. As a matter of fact, I do.
Great.
Well, I just wanted to check in.
Make sure you're feeling okay with the new arrangement?
I'm really happy with it.
It feels like a nice tweak on what we originally set up, right?
Yeah, so much better.
My dad just had way more leverage.
You don't do what he wants, your whole world crumbles.
[laughs] It's just clean.
You know, you don't have to do this.
Is this really the way you want to win?
Where does this need for popularity come from, Kiersten?
Are you trying to fill some sort of a void?
Hey, kiddo. I'm here.
And I'm listening.
-Yeah, that bullshit doesn't work on me. -Okay, got it.
Okay. Well, I'll let you do your thing.
I imagine you have some… button reinforcement to tend to.
[Kiersten chuckles]
Oh.
I'm a little concerned about Bert.
Have you noticed any unusual behavior?
Yeah. You could say that.
Well, I feel I'm partially at fault.
Maybe we overcorrected a bit.
You think?
I'm worried he's running with the wrong crowd and he's in too deep.
Acceptance is like a drug, LeeAnn.
And they've got Bert hooked on it.
Okay, now you're scaring me.
Well, you might want to buckle up for the next part.
[suspenseful music plays]
Have you ever heard the name Gene…
Magnussen?
[Randy] Simple fucking orchiopexy,
but you had to get high out of your fucking skull!
It's not that big a deal!
It's not that big a deal? The kid's in a wheelchair 'cause of you!
-Hey, hey! -[Randy] Take it easy!
That wasn't me. That was Szykiel.
Hey, what the fuck is going on here?
-We have a leak. -We've discussed that, Glen.
No, a different kind of leak, Bert. Zacky's new sack ruptured,
so now he's got spermatic fluid oozing out everywhere!
-'Cause this fucking cocksucker fucked up! -Relax.
You better pray to fucking God this doesn't ruin his chances tonight!
I will fucking end you, Landon!
-I promise! -God damn it! Do something, Glen! Fuck!
Ah, well, you heard him.
This is on me now? On top of all the other stuff?
[suspenseful music continues playing]
So… this guy was like a friend of theirs?
They were inseparable.
Until they weren't.
What happened?
Gene got spooked.
Wanted out.
Only problem was…
he knew too much.
So they killed him?
What? No.
Oh.
Well, the way that you said it totally made it seem--
They ruined him.
Found a pressure point.
And squeezed, till he couldn't take it anymore.
His whole life imploded.
He lost everything.
His wife.
Kids.
That's awful.
You're not suggesting this could happen to Bert, are you?
Ah, I'm sure I'm just being paranoid.
It's not like they have something they can use against him.
[chuckles] Right.
We're probably fine.
[laughs] Forget we had this talk.
[chuckles] Oh, yeah. Forgotten.
[sighs heavily]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, your headmaster, Miriam Rossmyre.
[audience cheers and whistles]
Good evening!
And welcome to the 8th grade Mr. and Miss Barklidge Coronation.
[all applaud]
Our school's most prestigious honor.
It represents the values we hold so dearly.
Honesty. Integrity. Compassion.
Past titleholders include Academy Award winner Colin Firth,
entrepreneur and influencer Amelia Gray Hamlin,
and Dance Moms champion JoJo Siwa.
[crowd cheers]
Now, before I bring out our emcee for the evening,
I'd like to thank all of our generous donors.
-The Davenports, $750,000. -[audience applauds]
Hi. You good?
Yeah, I'm fine. Why?
I don't know. You don't… seem like yourself.
[Miriam continues indistinctly]
Is there anything that you want to tell me?
No. Nothing I can think of.
-No, nothing? -Mm-mmm.
Not even that you lied about voting to defund the LD department?
The entire reason that we came to this school?
What the fuck, Bert?
I didn't know. They tricked me!
And hey, I'm gonna fix it. We just gotta stay in these guys' good graces,
I'll keep my board seat, it's all gonna be fine.
-At what cost? -Whatever the fuck it takes, LeeAnn, okay?
We're so close to sticking the landing. We can't throw it away now.
[sighs]
They found out it was you who told Kiersten, didn't they?
And now they're using it against you. But for what?
[tense music plays]
No.
Tell me that you're not actually thinking of--
It's Miss Barklidge, not a fucking Senate seat, okay?
And trust me, you know, Georgia will get over it so much quicker
than it'll take for us to start over.
Remember, hey, we're doing this for our girls.
Are you sure about that?
[Miriam] …this man would be receiving it. Without further ado, Bert Kreischer!
[audience cheers]
[Bert] Thank you, Miriam.
-That's my dad! -[Bert] Wow.
Colin Firth and JoJo Siwa. Now that's a sex tape I'd pay for.
No? Nothing?
All right, we got a lot of kids in the room,
so I figure I'd start off with a fun joke.
What did Mr. T say after he pushed 50 Cent in the pool?
"I fiddy the pool."
[mysterious music plays]
If you want to date Zac, you should date Zac.
And he is physically able to receive said hand job.
A lot of parents have a no-blanket policy. Not us. [echoing]
All right, let's announce Mr. Barklidge, huh?
-[applauding, cheering] -Miriam, the envelope, please.
Thank you.
-This year's Mr. Barklidge crown goes to… -[drumroll plays]
[grand music plays]
Zac Hotchkiss.
-Yeah! -Fuck yeah! Whoo!
Yes! Yes!
[Randy] Yeah!
Zac, wheel yourself up here, buddy.
Whoo!
And now for Miss Barklidge.
Miriam, the envelope, please.
Thank you very much, Miriam.
[solemn ethereal music plays]
[sighs]
This is a big moment.
Someone's life is about to change.
The ultimate honor,
acceptance by your peers.
It's what we all want.
I know I did.
And I got it.
I went from being a pariah
to on the board in just a matter of weeks.
And all I had to do
was change every single thing about me.
[music turns sentimental]
And compromise every value I've ever had.
I turned into someone I didn't even recognize
just for a seat at the table.
And tonight, I'm supposed to open this envelope
and say someone's name, no matter what the card says,
'cause that's the deal I made with Landon Vanderthal.
I got manipulated.
Brilliant tactic, actually.
He blackmailed me while he was getting his dick sucked at a strip club.
-[people exclaim] -And he threw me off my game.
-No. I wasn't-- -Don't. Don't!
Carl, Sanjay, need you in the auditorium ASAP.
All because I was afraid to tell my daughter the truth.
I was using my world-class pedophile powers
to seduce her boyfriend.
[people exclaim]
Sweetie, Zac was using you to get to me.
I only have myself to blame.
I cut off my own balls.
But I realize now,
you can't take your balls for granted.
Can you, Zac?
So tonight,
I'm reclaiming mine.
-[music intensifies] -[audience gasps]
Listen up, fuckers.
I'm done giving a fuck.
And unlike a lot of the lips, tits, and asses in this room,
I'm done being fake as fuck.
Carl, do you copy?
I'm done fucking wearing this shit.
I've been tucking my shirt in for two months.
It's so uncomfortable.
What the fuck are you people doing?
I'm done changing in my car.
I'm done carrying a goddamn garment bag.
I'm done showering at a country club with uncircumcised men.
I'm done saunaing with uncircumcised men.
I'm done with uncircumcised men!
I'm done sitting back
while a bunch of pussy pics from women in this room
get passed around and analyzed.
Ladies, if your gynecologist is Dr. Shestack,
I'd get a new gynecologist.
[people gasp and chatter in audience]
And I will not sit silently while votes are bought on the board
by the parents with the deepest pockets.
Guys, a new gymnasium?
Our kids are white. They're not going pro.
We need to keep the LD department.
And I know that 'cause my vote was bought.
And they said, "Ask no questions."
Carl, Sanjay, where the fuck are you guys?
Well, I'm gonna start asking some fucking questions.
Like, what the fuck are we teaching our kids?
That if you put on a uniform and you conform,
lose your uniqueness, lose your originality,
dull down your sparkle, that that's the Barklidge way?
For the simple price tag of $47,000 and every ounce of your dignity?
Well, fuck that.
-Yup! -[Bert] So here's what I'll do.
I'm gonna open this fucking envelope
and read whatever goddamn name is on this fucking card,
because I am my own man. I will not be bought.
I'm a fucking lone wolf who sits on top of the mountain,
paws crossed, howling at the moon.
And I don't care who I piss off.
Ladies and gentlemen, who's ready for Miss Barklidge?
[scattered applause]
Fuck, yes!
Whoo.
This year's Mrs. Fucking Barklidge is…
[drumroll plays]
Kiersten Vanderthal.
-Oh, my God! -[audience cheers]
[gentle pleasant music plays]
Wow! Wow, thank you!
Thank you so much, I was so not expecting this.
I have so many people to thank.
Um, congratulations to you, Zac.
Aw! That's the man that I married.
That wasn't funny, was it?
-[LeeAnn] Oh, not really. -The big man's back, guys.
I am back. I was so fucking lost.
Yeah, you definitely were.
Hey, I am so sorry. You must be disappointed.
About me losing Miss Barklidge?
Or you setting me up with Zac because you knew
I couldn't give him a hand job?
Wait, when did you figure that out?
You almost pulled it off.
-So fucking close. -Hey, I'm sorry.
I messed up. So big. When you walked on campus that first day,
and no one talked to you, it broke my heart. And I just thought,
"I want to make her popular."
From that moment on, everything's been spiraling out of control.
I hope you for-- forgive me.
But I don't want it that way.
[sobs] Oh! Fucking integrity on this kid.
-Whose child is this? -I have no idea.
Guys, I wasn't even gonna give him a hand job.
Wait, you were never gonna give him a hand job?
No, I don't even know what that is.
-Oh, fuck, I wish I knew that earlier. -Yeah, me too.
Oh, this is--
At least you know your dad's heart was in the right place.
Even though his brain was nowhere to be found.
[LeeAnn] Ooh!
-I love you, Dad. I love you, guys. -[LeeAnn] Come on. Come on.
And in the immortal words
of former Miss Barklidge, Julianne Margulies,
"You are loved, you are worth it, and I will always fight with you."`
-[audience cheers] -Thank you.
All right, guys, you ready? "Hand jobs" on three.
-[chuckles] -Okay.
One, two, three.
[all] Hand jobs!
-[Landon] Bert. -Ah, shit.
I thought we were friends.
Oh, come on. No, you didn't.
You know, this isn't over.
Once I repair my marriage and my standing at the school,
and do whatever community service I might be facing,
I will come for you.
Nothing I haven't seen before.
Well, I just need to use my voice to express how absolutely vile that was.
No one gives a fuck about your stupid voice.
[mocking] Does that make sense?
[gasps]
Hey, LeeAnn baked those cookies.
I saw LeeAnn bake those cookies,
and I'll testify in a court of law that LeeAnn baked those cookies.
-Me too. -Me too.
[Landon gasps]
-They're mimicking me. -I know.
Wait, what are we doing?
-Perjury. Don't worry. -[Zac] Hey, Georgia.
Oh, this is awkward. Hey, Zac.
I'm sorry, I-- but I led you on.
Yeah, I think you misread the situation.
I was just nice so I could hang out with your daughter.
I actually really like her.
-[all] You do? -What?
[LeeAnn] Okay.
Uh… Georgia, hit me up.
I'll be out of this chair in a couple weeks,
and I'll be good to go.
-[Miriam] Well, well, well. -Oh, here we go. It's getting worse.
The leopard always shows his spots, huh?
[sighs]
There will be consequences for this.
I assumed that.
In the meantime, Carl and Sanjay will make sure you get to your car.
Sanjay, you put those zip ties on me,
it'll be the last thing you do on this planet.
Yep.
All right, I'll see you guys later. I love you.
We love you!
[parents booing]
[woman] Get out!
[Randy] Hey, Bert!
[sweeping dramatic music plays]
[man] Yeah, Bert.
Yeah.
[scattered applause]
[people cheer and whistle]
Miriam, you may be able to silence me,
but you'll never silence all of us.
-[Carl] All right, let's go, buddy. -[all cheer]
Give 'em hell, Bert!
-[Glen] We love you, Bert! -I fucking love you!
We fucking love you!
I fucking love you!
[men] Yeah, Bert!
[man] Bert. Gene Magnussen.
Call me.
We have a lot to discuss.
[intriguing music plays]
[groovy theme music plays]