1 00:00:06,464 --> 00:00:08,717 Feels like my balls are literally on fire! 2 00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,093 Is this normal, Lando? 3 00:00:10,176 --> 00:00:11,970 I thought Szykiel said it was an easy recovery! 4 00:00:12,053 --> 00:00:14,139 The first 48 are always the worst. 5 00:00:14,222 --> 00:00:15,640 It'll be smooth sailing after that. 6 00:00:15,724 --> 00:00:17,559 I hope so! Mr. Barklidge is next week! 7 00:00:17,642 --> 00:00:19,978 Oh, please. He'll be yanking it non-stop by then. 8 00:00:20,061 --> 00:00:22,272 -From your lips to God's ears. -It hurts, Dad. 9 00:00:22,355 --> 00:00:25,525 -He's fine! Jeez. -Okay, buddy. Sit up. Sit up. 10 00:00:25,608 --> 00:00:28,945 Sit up. Okay. Hold on. Let me hold you. 11 00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,238 It turned out great. 12 00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:39,039 So, Mrs. Kreischer, is it your assertion 13 00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:42,208 that you baked these cookies yourself using vegetable oil? 14 00:00:42,292 --> 00:00:43,501 Yes. 15 00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:45,503 At least that's what the label said. 16 00:00:45,587 --> 00:00:48,173 But you're questioning the validity of that? 17 00:00:48,256 --> 00:00:52,469 Well, it's the only plausible explanation for how peanut oil got into my cookies. 18 00:00:52,552 --> 00:00:56,931 And do you have any way of proving that this mislabeling occurred? 19 00:00:57,015 --> 00:01:01,019 Do you have any way of proving that it didn't? 20 00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:06,066 All right, team, let's grab some lunch. 21 00:01:08,693 --> 00:01:11,071 Wow. You were something in there. 22 00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:13,531 Yeah? Okay, good. 23 00:01:13,615 --> 00:01:14,824 Happy to help any way I can. 24 00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:16,618 -Mmm. -I just-- I want to make this right. 25 00:01:16,701 --> 00:01:18,536 Oh, I so appreciate that. 26 00:01:18,620 --> 00:01:19,537 Yeah. 27 00:01:19,621 --> 00:01:21,581 I mean, Walter did say it's a long shot, though. 28 00:01:21,664 --> 00:01:23,041 -Seriously? -Yeah. 29 00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:26,169 He's kind of worried it'll come across far-fetched. 30 00:01:26,252 --> 00:01:28,630 -Huh. -I know. That threw me too. 31 00:01:28,713 --> 00:01:30,965 And he mentioned something about how the jury might find 32 00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:33,468 the whole thing complete bullshit. 33 00:01:33,551 --> 00:01:34,886 Does that make sense? 34 00:01:34,969 --> 00:01:37,305 I mean, yes and no. 35 00:01:37,388 --> 00:01:38,723 -Mmm. -Yeah. 36 00:01:38,807 --> 00:01:41,559 Look, they say cases are won and lost in jury selection. 37 00:01:41,643 --> 00:01:44,729 -So I think if we're smart about who we-- -Sure, sure. 38 00:01:44,813 --> 00:01:47,899 But I think the concern he had there was that no one in the jury pool 39 00:01:47,982 --> 00:01:50,652 would be stupid enough to buy any of this crap. 40 00:01:50,735 --> 00:01:52,946 -I-- I don't know. I'm not a lawyer. -Wow. 41 00:01:53,029 --> 00:01:54,531 -That's disappointing. -Mmm. 42 00:01:54,614 --> 00:01:57,492 Well, I guess we took it as far as we could. 43 00:01:57,575 --> 00:02:00,537 Mmm. There is one last thing Walter said we could do. 44 00:02:00,620 --> 00:02:02,455 But I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. 45 00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:05,625 You know what? I will do whatever it takes to help you win this thing. 46 00:02:05,708 --> 00:02:08,336 Great. I'm so happy to hear you say that. 47 00:02:08,419 --> 00:02:10,672 I'll have him schedule the polygraph for tomorrow. 48 00:02:11,339 --> 00:02:12,507 Polygraph? 49 00:02:16,386 --> 00:02:18,346 Maybe I could try to beat it. 50 00:02:18,429 --> 00:02:21,224 Could take a couple of Xanax, get my blood pressure down. 51 00:02:21,307 --> 00:02:23,268 Jesus, what am I saying? 52 00:02:23,351 --> 00:02:25,145 Oh, you put up a good fight, hon. 53 00:02:25,228 --> 00:02:26,980 Sometimes, it's best to know when to fold 'em. 54 00:02:27,063 --> 00:02:29,607 Yeah. I just hate seeing her win. 55 00:02:29,691 --> 00:02:31,067 Yeah, it's tough to watch. 56 00:02:32,193 --> 00:02:35,071 So the guys never figured out who leaked the surgery? 57 00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:37,740 -Hmm? -Landon didn't-- he never got a new phone? 58 00:02:37,824 --> 00:02:38,658 Mm-mmm. 59 00:02:38,741 --> 00:02:41,119 He didn't even try to log in from a different device, nothing? 60 00:02:41,202 --> 00:02:42,871 No, they're not tech-savvy, I guess. 61 00:02:42,954 --> 00:02:46,791 -Doesn't Randy own a software company? -Oh, I think it went under. 62 00:02:46,875 --> 00:02:49,502 -Probably 'cause he fucking sucked at it. -And Kiersten? 63 00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:52,130 What, are you writing a fucking book? I haven't heard from her. 64 00:02:52,213 --> 00:02:56,718 Well, it just goes to show you, blackmail doesn't work, you know? 65 00:02:56,801 --> 00:03:00,430 As long as you're willing to stand strong, have some semblance of a spine. 66 00:03:00,513 --> 00:03:01,639 Yeah. 67 00:03:11,858 --> 00:03:14,194 Dad, get your ass in here! 68 00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:16,279 What is it? Oh, fuck me! 69 00:03:16,362 --> 00:03:18,573 -Oh, fuck. It fucking tore. -What's happening? 70 00:03:18,656 --> 00:03:20,992 It fucking tore! They're gonna fall out! They're gonna-- 71 00:03:21,075 --> 00:03:22,493 -They're gonna fall out! -What? 72 00:03:22,577 --> 00:03:25,330 Your balls, they're gonna be on the fucking ground! 73 00:03:25,413 --> 00:03:27,290 I did not expect this to happen at all. 74 00:03:27,373 --> 00:03:29,626 I have a lot of people to thank, so let's get through it. 75 00:03:29,709 --> 00:03:31,920 First, let me say thank you to the student body, 76 00:03:32,003 --> 00:03:33,922 who clearly have excellent taste. 77 00:03:34,005 --> 00:03:36,257 Uh, now, to the people who got-- 78 00:03:37,592 --> 00:03:38,426 Hi. 79 00:03:40,261 --> 00:03:42,889 What do you think? Miss Barklidge material? 80 00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:46,142 They should be so lucky. 81 00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:47,936 Thank you. 82 00:03:48,019 --> 00:03:51,648 I have to admit, though, it does feel really weird to, like, fit in 83 00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:54,567 after being an outcast for so long. 84 00:03:55,401 --> 00:03:57,362 Yeah. Exciting times. 85 00:03:58,488 --> 00:04:00,990 But in the off chance that, tonight, 86 00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:03,618 your name isn't the one that's announced as the winner, 87 00:04:03,701 --> 00:04:06,120 I just want you to know I'm proud of you. 88 00:04:06,996 --> 00:04:09,415 Thanks. But winning would be cool. 89 00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:10,333 -Yeah. -Yeah. 90 00:04:10,416 --> 00:04:12,001 You know, a lot of people say runner-up 91 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:15,171 is sometimes as good, if not better, than winning. 92 00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:17,340 -People say that? -Of course, winning's important. 93 00:04:17,423 --> 00:04:19,259 But there's so much to learn when you lose. 94 00:04:19,342 --> 00:04:22,053 Yeah. That's true, but I'd still rather win, so… 95 00:04:22,136 --> 00:04:25,223 You know who won? John F. Kennedy. They shot him. 96 00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:28,643 You know what they say, "Heavy is the crown." 97 00:04:28,726 --> 00:04:30,478 I've never heard that, I don't think. 98 00:04:30,561 --> 00:04:33,606 Either way, it's kinda nice to know your name was in the conversation, right? 99 00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:35,775 I don't really give a fuck about the conversation. 100 00:04:35,858 --> 00:04:37,527 Yeah, well, it's out of our hands. 101 00:04:37,610 --> 00:04:39,237 -Thank you, Dad. -It's out of our hands. 102 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:40,280 -Yeah. -All right. 103 00:04:40,363 --> 00:04:41,531 Uh, Dad? 104 00:04:41,614 --> 00:04:43,032 -Yeah? -One more thing. 105 00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:44,784 I just want to say thank you. 106 00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:46,619 -Hmm? -For everything. 107 00:04:46,703 --> 00:04:48,705 Um, I have to admit, 108 00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:51,708 I doubted you, like, every step of the way. 109 00:04:51,791 --> 00:04:53,960 But you really came through. 110 00:04:54,043 --> 00:04:55,545 So, thank you. 111 00:04:56,504 --> 00:04:58,339 You-- Yeah. You're welcome. 112 00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:00,174 Love you. 113 00:05:00,675 --> 00:05:02,593 Yeah, I-- I love you too. 114 00:05:08,933 --> 00:05:11,060 Go straight down the hall. Have a great night. 115 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:12,937 -Ah, the Kreischers! -Hey. 116 00:05:13,021 --> 00:05:15,273 -Hi! -Well, don't you look nice? 117 00:05:15,356 --> 00:05:16,316 Thank you, Ms. Rossmyre. 118 00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:18,234 Was quite the process. Took all hands on deck. 119 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:21,112 Okay, honey. Hey, go somewhere. Just go. 120 00:05:21,195 --> 00:05:22,739 Georgia, you can check in down the hall. 121 00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:24,032 -Perfect. Thank you. -Whoo! 122 00:05:24,115 --> 00:05:26,993 -We are so proud of you. You got this. -Thank you, guys. 123 00:05:27,076 --> 00:05:28,328 Go get 'em. 124 00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:31,998 You're not nervous, are you? 125 00:05:32,081 --> 00:05:34,000 I'm-- No. 126 00:05:34,083 --> 00:05:36,252 I imagine you've played a room this size before? 127 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,087 Yeah, I have. 128 00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:40,757 Uh, usually they're a little more wasted, but you know… 129 00:05:41,966 --> 00:05:44,260 Right, and you had your shtick to fall back on. 130 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,888 Hey, yeah. 131 00:05:46,971 --> 00:05:48,639 Yeah. 132 00:05:48,723 --> 00:05:51,184 -All right, I gotta go. Love you. -Break a leg. I love you. 133 00:05:51,267 --> 00:05:52,769 All right. Awesome. 134 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,354 You're good. 135 00:05:55,271 --> 00:05:59,275 Hey, can I ask you about the funding for the new gym coming-- 136 00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:01,819 Oh, my God, what a huge win. 137 00:06:01,903 --> 00:06:04,030 And it wouldn't have been possible without your husband. 138 00:06:04,113 --> 00:06:06,157 His vote put it over the top. 139 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,034 His vote did? 140 00:06:08,117 --> 00:06:11,662 He has been such a great addition to the Barklidge community. 141 00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:14,624 I gotta say, he's really surprised me. 142 00:06:16,584 --> 00:06:19,045 Yeah, you and me both. 143 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:21,589 Mrs. Kreischer? 144 00:06:23,257 --> 00:06:24,675 Do you have a minute? 145 00:06:34,477 --> 00:06:36,312 You have an opening joke? 146 00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:37,647 Besides yourself? 147 00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:44,070 Yeah, Kiersten. As a matter of fact, I do. 148 00:06:44,153 --> 00:06:45,196 Great. 149 00:06:45,696 --> 00:06:48,157 Well, I just wanted to check in. 150 00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:50,868 Make sure you're feeling okay with the new arrangement? 151 00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:52,829 I'm really happy with it. 152 00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:55,998 It feels like a nice tweak on what we originally set up, right? 153 00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:58,584 Yeah, so much better. 154 00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:01,462 My dad just had way more leverage. 155 00:07:01,546 --> 00:07:04,340 You don't do what he wants, your whole world crumbles. 156 00:07:05,007 --> 00:07:07,552 It's just clean. 157 00:07:07,635 --> 00:07:10,721 You know, you don't have to do this. 158 00:07:11,514 --> 00:07:13,057 Is this really the way you want to win? 159 00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:18,229 Where does this need for popularity come from, Kiersten? 160 00:07:19,188 --> 00:07:21,315 Are you trying to fill some sort of a void? 161 00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:24,652 Hey, kiddo. I'm here. 162 00:07:25,361 --> 00:07:26,612 And I'm listening. 163 00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:31,367 -Yeah, that bullshit doesn't work on me. -Okay, got it. 164 00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:34,704 Okay. Well, I'll let you do your thing. 165 00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:38,833 I imagine you have some… button reinforcement to tend to. 166 00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:50,928 Oh. 167 00:07:51,012 --> 00:07:53,139 I'm a little concerned about Bert. 168 00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:56,517 Have you noticed any unusual behavior? 169 00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:58,895 Yeah. You could say that. 170 00:07:58,978 --> 00:08:02,023 Well, I feel I'm partially at fault. 171 00:08:02,106 --> 00:08:04,066 Maybe we overcorrected a bit. 172 00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:05,318 You think? 173 00:08:05,401 --> 00:08:08,905 I'm worried he's running with the wrong crowd and he's in too deep. 174 00:08:09,405 --> 00:08:12,200 Acceptance is like a drug, LeeAnn. 175 00:08:12,825 --> 00:08:15,286 And they've got Bert hooked on it. 176 00:08:15,369 --> 00:08:17,121 Okay, now you're scaring me. 177 00:08:17,205 --> 00:08:19,582 Well, you might want to buckle up for the next part. 178 00:08:21,709 --> 00:08:24,545 Have you ever heard the name Gene… 179 00:08:26,047 --> 00:08:27,131 Magnussen? 180 00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:42,396 Simple fucking orchiopexy, 181 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:44,774 but you had to get high out of your fucking skull! 182 00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:45,858 It's not that big a deal! 183 00:08:45,942 --> 00:08:48,528 It's not that big a deal? The kid's in a wheelchair 'cause of you! 184 00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:49,862 -Hey, hey! -Take it easy! 185 00:08:49,946 --> 00:08:51,656 That wasn't me. That was Szykiel. 186 00:08:51,739 --> 00:08:53,533 Hey, what the fuck is going on here? 187 00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:55,618 -We have a leak. -We've discussed that, Glen. 188 00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:58,621 No, a different kind of leak, Bert. Zacky's new sack ruptured, 189 00:08:58,704 --> 00:09:01,707 so now he's got spermatic fluid oozing out everywhere! 190 00:09:01,791 --> 00:09:04,669 -'Cause this fucking cocksucker fucked up! -Relax. 191 00:09:04,752 --> 00:09:08,339 You better pray to fucking God this doesn't ruin his chances tonight! 192 00:09:08,422 --> 00:09:10,174 I will fucking end you, Landon! 193 00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:13,886 -I promise! -God damn it! Do something, Glen! Fuck! 194 00:09:13,970 --> 00:09:15,429 Ah, well, you heard him. 195 00:09:16,347 --> 00:09:19,684 This is on me now? On top of all the other stuff? 196 00:09:23,896 --> 00:09:27,858 So… this guy was like a friend of theirs? 197 00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:30,319 They were inseparable. 198 00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:31,779 Until they weren't. 199 00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:33,447 What happened? 200 00:09:34,031 --> 00:09:36,117 Gene got spooked. 201 00:09:36,784 --> 00:09:38,327 Wanted out. 202 00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:40,621 Only problem was… 203 00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:43,666 he knew too much. 204 00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:45,626 So they killed him? 205 00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:47,295 What? No. 206 00:09:47,378 --> 00:09:48,254 Oh. 207 00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:50,965 Well, the way that you said it totally made it seem-- 208 00:09:51,048 --> 00:09:52,550 They ruined him. 209 00:09:53,884 --> 00:09:55,344 Found a pressure point. 210 00:09:56,429 --> 00:10:00,016 And squeezed, till he couldn't take it anymore. 211 00:10:00,099 --> 00:10:02,810 His whole life imploded. 212 00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:05,062 He lost everything. 213 00:10:06,314 --> 00:10:07,273 His wife. 214 00:10:08,482 --> 00:10:09,650 Kids. 215 00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:11,694 That's awful. 216 00:10:12,528 --> 00:10:15,823 You're not suggesting this could happen to Bert, are you? 217 00:10:15,906 --> 00:10:18,784 Ah, I'm sure I'm just being paranoid. 218 00:10:19,368 --> 00:10:22,121 It's not like they have something they can use against him. 219 00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:23,789 Right. 220 00:10:23,873 --> 00:10:25,374 We're probably fine. 221 00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:29,045 Forget we had this talk. 222 00:10:29,712 --> 00:10:31,547 Oh, yeah. Forgotten. 223 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:39,180 Ladies and gentlemen, your headmaster, Miriam Rossmyre. 224 00:10:45,811 --> 00:10:47,021 Good evening! 225 00:10:47,104 --> 00:10:51,233 And welcome to the 8th grade Mr. and Miss Barklidge Coronation. 226 00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:56,572 Our school's most prestigious honor. 227 00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:59,867 It represents the values we hold so dearly. 228 00:10:59,950 --> 00:11:03,329 Honesty. Integrity. Compassion. 229 00:11:03,412 --> 00:11:07,750 Past titleholders include Academy Award winner Colin Firth, 230 00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:11,295 entrepreneur and influencer Amelia Gray Hamlin, 231 00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:15,675 and Dance Moms champion JoJo Siwa. 232 00:11:18,010 --> 00:11:21,263 Now, before I bring out our emcee for the evening, 233 00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:24,475 I'd like to thank all of our generous donors. 234 00:11:24,558 --> 00:11:27,937 The Davenports, $750,000. 235 00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:30,231 Hi. You good? 236 00:11:30,815 --> 00:11:32,441 Yeah, I'm fine. Why? 237 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:35,778 I don't know. You don't… seem like yourself. 238 00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:40,241 Is there anything that you want to tell me? 239 00:11:40,991 --> 00:11:43,119 No. Nothing I can think of. 240 00:11:43,202 --> 00:11:44,203 -No, nothing? -Mm-mmm. 241 00:11:44,286 --> 00:11:47,873 Not even that you lied about voting to defund the LD department? 242 00:11:47,957 --> 00:11:49,709 The entire reason that we came to this school? 243 00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:51,001 What the fuck, Bert? 244 00:11:51,085 --> 00:11:52,962 I didn't know. They tricked me! 245 00:11:53,045 --> 00:11:55,965 And hey, I'm gonna fix it. We just gotta stay in these guys' good graces, 246 00:11:56,048 --> 00:11:57,883 I'll keep my board seat, it's all gonna be fine. 247 00:11:57,967 --> 00:12:00,886 -At what cost? -Whatever the fuck it takes, LeeAnn, okay? 248 00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:04,598 We're so close to sticking the landing. We can't throw it away now. 249 00:12:07,143 --> 00:12:10,396 They found out it was you who told Kiersten, didn't they? 250 00:12:10,479 --> 00:12:13,482 And now they're using it against you. But for what? 251 00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:17,153 No. 252 00:12:17,236 --> 00:12:19,488 Tell me that you're not actually thinking of-- 253 00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,949 It's Miss Barklidge, not a fucking Senate seat, okay? 254 00:12:22,032 --> 00:12:24,618 And trust me, you know, Georgia will get over it so much quicker 255 00:12:24,702 --> 00:12:26,537 than it'll take for us to start over. 256 00:12:26,620 --> 00:12:29,665 Remember, hey, we're doing this for our girls. 257 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,125 Are you sure about that? 258 00:12:31,208 --> 00:12:37,089 …this man would be receiving it. Without further ado, Bert Kreischer! 259 00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:51,437 Thank you, Miriam. 260 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:52,563 -That's my dad! -Wow. 261 00:12:52,646 --> 00:12:56,817 Colin Firth and JoJo Siwa. Now that's a sex tape I'd pay for. 262 00:12:58,068 --> 00:12:59,737 No? Nothing? 263 00:13:00,529 --> 00:13:02,323 All right, we got a lot of kids in the room, 264 00:13:02,406 --> 00:13:04,450 so I figure I'd start off with a fun joke. 265 00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:09,622 What did Mr. T say after he pushed 50 Cent in the pool? 266 00:13:09,705 --> 00:13:11,040 "I fiddy the pool." 267 00:13:12,291 --> 00:13:15,211 If you want to date Zac, you should date Zac. 268 00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:18,172 And he is physically able to receive said hand job. 269 00:13:18,255 --> 00:13:22,092 A lot of parents have a no-blanket policy. Not us. 270 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:26,013 All right, let's announce Mr. Barklidge, huh? 271 00:13:26,096 --> 00:13:28,516 Miriam, the envelope, please. 272 00:13:32,144 --> 00:13:33,187 Thank you. 273 00:13:33,938 --> 00:13:38,234 This year's Mr. Barklidge crown goes to… 274 00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:40,986 Zac Hotchkiss. 275 00:13:41,070 --> 00:13:43,656 -Yeah! -Fuck yeah! Whoo! 276 00:13:43,739 --> 00:13:46,408 Yes! Yes! 277 00:13:47,034 --> 00:13:48,410 Yeah! 278 00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:51,163 Zac, wheel yourself up here, buddy. 279 00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:56,293 Whoo! 280 00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:01,799 And now for Miss Barklidge. 281 00:14:04,176 --> 00:14:07,137 Miriam, the envelope, please. 282 00:14:09,265 --> 00:14:10,975 Thank you very much, Miriam. 283 00:14:33,956 --> 00:14:35,457 This is a big moment. 284 00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:38,502 Someone's life is about to change. 285 00:14:38,586 --> 00:14:40,379 The ultimate honor, 286 00:14:40,462 --> 00:14:43,173 acceptance by your peers. 287 00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:44,925 It's what we all want. 288 00:14:45,009 --> 00:14:46,510 I know I did. 289 00:14:47,094 --> 00:14:48,220 And I got it. 290 00:14:49,054 --> 00:14:50,556 I went from being a pariah 291 00:14:51,599 --> 00:14:54,393 to on the board in just a matter of weeks. 292 00:14:54,476 --> 00:14:56,020 And all I had to do 293 00:14:57,187 --> 00:14:59,940 was change every single thing about me. 294 00:15:02,234 --> 00:15:06,405 And compromise every value I've ever had. 295 00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:12,620 I turned into someone I didn't even recognize 296 00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:15,247 just for a seat at the table. 297 00:15:16,707 --> 00:15:19,919 And tonight, I'm supposed to open this envelope 298 00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:23,255 and say someone's name, no matter what the card says, 299 00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:25,966 'cause that's the deal I made with Landon Vanderthal. 300 00:15:27,384 --> 00:15:28,761 I got manipulated. 301 00:15:29,345 --> 00:15:31,555 Brilliant tactic, actually. 302 00:15:31,639 --> 00:15:34,391 He blackmailed me while he was getting his dick sucked at a strip club. 303 00:15:34,475 --> 00:15:36,852 And he threw me off my game. 304 00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,812 -No. I wasn't-- -Don't. Don't! 305 00:15:38,896 --> 00:15:41,190 Carl, Sanjay, need you in the auditorium ASAP. 306 00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:44,610 All because I was afraid to tell my daughter the truth. 307 00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:47,821 I was using my world-class pedophile powers 308 00:15:47,905 --> 00:15:49,531 to seduce her boyfriend. 309 00:15:50,532 --> 00:15:53,202 Sweetie, Zac was using you to get to me. 310 00:15:54,119 --> 00:15:55,788 I only have myself to blame. 311 00:15:56,747 --> 00:15:58,415 I cut off my own balls. 312 00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:01,043 But I realize now, 313 00:16:01,543 --> 00:16:03,837 you can't take your balls for granted. 314 00:16:03,921 --> 00:16:05,255 Can you, Zac? 315 00:16:06,090 --> 00:16:07,091 So tonight, 316 00:16:08,008 --> 00:16:09,718 I'm reclaiming mine. 317 00:16:11,929 --> 00:16:13,973 Listen up, fuckers. 318 00:16:14,056 --> 00:16:16,141 I'm done giving a fuck. 319 00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:19,436 And unlike a lot of the lips, tits, and asses in this room, 320 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:21,563 I'm done being fake as fuck. 321 00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:22,815 Carl, do you copy? 322 00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:25,234 I'm done fucking wearing this shit. 323 00:16:25,317 --> 00:16:28,529 I've been tucking my shirt in for two months. 324 00:16:28,612 --> 00:16:30,155 It's so uncomfortable. 325 00:16:30,239 --> 00:16:32,199 What the fuck are you people doing? 326 00:16:32,282 --> 00:16:34,201 I'm done changing in my car. 327 00:16:34,284 --> 00:16:37,162 I'm done carrying a goddamn garment bag. 328 00:16:37,246 --> 00:16:41,667 I'm done showering at a country club with uncircumcised men. 329 00:16:41,750 --> 00:16:44,211 I'm done saunaing with uncircumcised men. 330 00:16:44,294 --> 00:16:45,796 I'm done with uncircumcised men! 331 00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:48,215 I'm done sitting back 332 00:16:48,298 --> 00:16:50,968 while a bunch of pussy pics from women in this room 333 00:16:51,051 --> 00:16:52,886 get passed around and analyzed. 334 00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:55,889 Ladies, if your gynecologist is Dr. Shestack, 335 00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:57,433 I'd get a new gynecologist. 336 00:16:59,351 --> 00:17:05,357 And I will not sit silently while votes are bought on the board 337 00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:07,443 by the parents with the deepest pockets. 338 00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:09,486 Guys, a new gymnasium? 339 00:17:09,570 --> 00:17:12,072 Our kids are white. They're not going pro. 340 00:17:12,156 --> 00:17:14,033 We need to keep the LD department. 341 00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:16,618 And I know that 'cause my vote was bought. 342 00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,620 And they said, "Ask no questions." 343 00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:20,456 Carl, Sanjay, where the fuck are you guys? 344 00:17:20,539 --> 00:17:23,417 Well, I'm gonna start asking some fucking questions. 345 00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:26,420 Like, what the fuck are we teaching our kids? 346 00:17:26,503 --> 00:17:29,006 That if you put on a uniform and you conform, 347 00:17:29,089 --> 00:17:31,884 lose your uniqueness, lose your originality, 348 00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:35,304 dull down your sparkle, that that's the Barklidge way? 349 00:17:35,387 --> 00:17:40,476 For the simple price tag of $47,000 and every ounce of your dignity? 350 00:17:40,559 --> 00:17:41,769 Well, fuck that. 351 00:17:41,852 --> 00:17:43,395 -Yup! -So here's what I'll do. 352 00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:46,648 I'm gonna open this fucking envelope 353 00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:49,818 and read whatever goddamn name is on this fucking card, 354 00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:53,489 because I am my own man. I will not be bought. 355 00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:56,241 I'm a fucking lone wolf who sits on top of the mountain, 356 00:17:56,325 --> 00:17:58,285 paws crossed, howling at the moon. 357 00:17:58,368 --> 00:17:59,870 And I don't care who I piss off. 358 00:17:59,953 --> 00:18:03,791 Ladies and gentlemen, who's ready for Miss Barklidge? 359 00:18:05,834 --> 00:18:07,169 Fuck, yes! 360 00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:08,962 Whoo. 361 00:18:09,463 --> 00:18:12,049 This year's Mrs. Fucking Barklidge is… 362 00:18:16,386 --> 00:18:17,429 Kiersten Vanderthal. 363 00:18:17,513 --> 00:18:20,099 Oh, my God! 364 00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:31,193 Wow! Wow, thank you! 365 00:18:31,276 --> 00:18:34,196 Thank you so much, I was so not expecting this. 366 00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:36,281 I have so many people to thank. 367 00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:38,033 Um, congratulations to you, Zac. 368 00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,744 Aw! That's the man that I married. 369 00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:42,746 That wasn't funny, was it? 370 00:18:42,830 --> 00:18:45,332 -Oh, not really. -The big man's back, guys. 371 00:18:45,415 --> 00:18:47,501 I am back. I was so fucking lost. 372 00:18:47,584 --> 00:18:49,586 Yeah, you definitely were. 373 00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:53,090 Hey, I am so sorry. You must be disappointed. 374 00:18:53,173 --> 00:18:55,384 About me losing Miss Barklidge? 375 00:18:55,467 --> 00:18:57,594 Or you setting me up with Zac because you knew 376 00:18:57,678 --> 00:18:59,096 I couldn't give him a hand job? 377 00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:01,515 Wait, when did you figure that out? 378 00:19:01,598 --> 00:19:03,433 You almost pulled it off. 379 00:19:03,517 --> 00:19:06,228 -So fucking close. -Hey, I'm sorry. 380 00:19:07,187 --> 00:19:10,691 I messed up. So big. When you walked on campus that first day, 381 00:19:10,774 --> 00:19:13,443 and no one talked to you, it broke my heart. And I just thought, 382 00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:14,653 "I want to make her popular." 383 00:19:14,736 --> 00:19:17,447 From that moment on, everything's been spiraling out of control. 384 00:19:17,531 --> 00:19:19,032 I hope you for-- forgive me. 385 00:19:19,116 --> 00:19:21,702 But I don't want it that way. 386 00:19:21,785 --> 00:19:24,454 Oh! Fucking integrity on this kid. 387 00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:26,373 -Whose child is this? -I have no idea. 388 00:19:26,456 --> 00:19:29,042 Guys, I wasn't even gonna give him a hand job. 389 00:19:29,626 --> 00:19:31,420 Wait, you were never gonna give him a hand job? 390 00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:33,046 No, I don't even know what that is. 391 00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:35,632 -Oh, fuck, I wish I knew that earlier. -Yeah, me too. 392 00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:36,550 Oh, this is-- 393 00:19:36,633 --> 00:19:40,304 At least you know your dad's heart was in the right place. 394 00:19:40,387 --> 00:19:43,557 Even though his brain was nowhere to be found. 395 00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:44,516 Ooh! 396 00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:48,687 -I love you, Dad. I love you, guys. -Come on. Come on. 397 00:19:48,770 --> 00:19:50,606 And in the immortal words 398 00:19:50,689 --> 00:19:53,400 of former Miss Barklidge, Julianne Margulies, 399 00:19:54,109 --> 00:20:00,115 "You are loved, you are worth it, and I will always fight with you."` 400 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:02,326 Thank you. 401 00:20:06,371 --> 00:20:08,498 All right, guys, you ready? "Hand jobs" on three. 402 00:20:08,582 --> 00:20:09,416 Okay. 403 00:20:09,499 --> 00:20:12,002 One, two, three. 404 00:20:12,085 --> 00:20:13,629 Hand jobs! 405 00:20:13,712 --> 00:20:15,505 -Bert. -Ah, shit. 406 00:20:16,798 --> 00:20:17,966 I thought we were friends. 407 00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:20,177 Oh, come on. No, you didn't. 408 00:20:20,260 --> 00:20:21,970 You know, this isn't over. 409 00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:25,140 Once I repair my marriage and my standing at the school, 410 00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,893 and do whatever community service I might be facing, 411 00:20:27,976 --> 00:20:29,269 I will come for you. 412 00:20:29,353 --> 00:20:30,854 Nothing I haven't seen before. 413 00:20:30,938 --> 00:20:34,942 Well, I just need to use my voice to express how absolutely vile that was. 414 00:20:35,025 --> 00:20:37,527 No one gives a fuck about your stupid voice. 415 00:20:37,611 --> 00:20:38,862 Does that make sense? 416 00:20:40,030 --> 00:20:42,241 Hey, LeeAnn baked those cookies. 417 00:20:42,324 --> 00:20:43,825 I saw LeeAnn bake those cookies, 418 00:20:43,909 --> 00:20:46,662 and I'll testify in a court of law that LeeAnn baked those cookies. 419 00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:50,415 -Me too. -Me too. 420 00:20:52,334 --> 00:20:53,502 -They're mimicking me. -I know. 421 00:20:53,585 --> 00:20:54,544 Wait, what are we doing? 422 00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:56,296 -Perjury. Don't worry. -Hey, Georgia. 423 00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:58,465 Oh, this is awkward. Hey, Zac. 424 00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:02,135 I'm sorry, I-- but I led you on. 425 00:21:02,219 --> 00:21:05,597 Yeah, I think you misread the situation. 426 00:21:05,681 --> 00:21:07,933 I was just nice so I could hang out with your daughter. 427 00:21:08,850 --> 00:21:10,143 I actually really like her. 428 00:21:10,227 --> 00:21:11,144 -You do? -What? 429 00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:12,437 Okay. 430 00:21:13,313 --> 00:21:16,400 Uh… Georgia, hit me up. 431 00:21:16,483 --> 00:21:18,443 I'll be out of this chair in a couple weeks, 432 00:21:18,527 --> 00:21:20,320 and I'll be good to go. 433 00:21:24,741 --> 00:21:27,661 -Well, well, well. -Oh, here we go. It's getting worse. 434 00:21:28,704 --> 00:21:31,039 The leopard always shows his spots, huh? 435 00:21:32,082 --> 00:21:33,709 There will be consequences for this. 436 00:21:33,792 --> 00:21:34,960 I assumed that. 437 00:21:35,043 --> 00:21:39,172 In the meantime, Carl and Sanjay will make sure you get to your car. 438 00:21:39,256 --> 00:21:41,550 Sanjay, you put those zip ties on me, 439 00:21:41,633 --> 00:21:43,427 it'll be the last thing you do on this planet. 440 00:21:44,011 --> 00:21:45,012 Yep. 441 00:21:45,679 --> 00:21:47,639 All right, I'll see you guys later. I love you. 442 00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:48,682 We love you! 443 00:21:55,147 --> 00:21:56,440 Get out! 444 00:21:56,523 --> 00:21:57,399 Hey, Bert! 445 00:22:07,743 --> 00:22:08,869 Yeah, Bert. 446 00:22:09,453 --> 00:22:10,370 Yeah. 447 00:22:33,727 --> 00:22:36,646 Miriam, you may be able to silence me, 448 00:22:37,272 --> 00:22:39,358 but you'll never silence all of us. 449 00:22:39,441 --> 00:22:42,527 All right, let's go, buddy. 450 00:22:43,111 --> 00:22:44,738 Give 'em hell, Bert! 451 00:22:44,821 --> 00:22:47,866 -We love you, Bert! -I fucking love you! 452 00:22:47,949 --> 00:22:50,077 We fucking love you! 453 00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:52,329 I fucking love you! 454 00:22:52,412 --> 00:22:54,498 Yeah, Bert! 455 00:22:57,459 --> 00:22:59,544 Bert. Gene Magnussen. 456 00:22:59,628 --> 00:23:01,046 Call me. 457 00:23:01,671 --> 00:23:03,632 We have a lot to discuss.