Ah, shit!
What... Ugh!
Ah, fuck.
Paola! Sorry, I got my names mixed up.
So, music? That pay the bills?
-Well, I'm also a server. -God, sorry.
I feel you, I hate my day job so much.
Actually, I--
But, really, I should be writing my masterpiece,
but instead I'm crunching numbers every day, you know?
Sometimes, I just want to kill myself.
So, she cancels on me a second time, so I follow her.
And you guessed it,
she's hooking up with some other guy.
A real clown.
What do you think about the situation at the border?
Love the food, but the people...
"Your profile is classy in a way that most men
wouldn't appreciate or recognize
in the face of today's eroded standards.
Your taste, style...
and intelligence nearly preclude your beauty. Nearly."
Mm, total psycho.
-I think he's sweet. -Hmm, you would.
Honey, I know that you were an English major,
but this guy is way too articulate.
Like, serial killer, articulate.
There's something about him, it's like...
he's from the 1940s or something.
He calls me "darling".
You and Papa watched way too many movies on Turner Classics.
Well, there's a reason they're classics.
-Let me see this animal. -Hey!
"Henry, 30 years old, 93 percent match."
Oh, you've been, like, talking to this guy.
Okay, that's private.
"Paola, I know this might seem forward,
but if you'd join me for a home-cooked meal--
Okay!
Promise me you will not go to this guy's place.
-Not on a first date. -It's not what you think.
Okay, he has an autoimmune disorder,
and he can't go to bars or restaurants.
-You know, COVID. -You've found the one guy
-who still cares about COVID? -I know, it sounds crazy.
But maybe the reason I am where I'm at is because
I don't do anything crazy.
I mean, love is crazy, right?
So, when am I going to get to meet this guy?
Ryan? I don't know, Papa, we're taking it slow.
So there's no chance of a grandson
before I kick the bucket?
They're just putting in a stent, okay?
Chances that anything would happen are low.
-Mm... -Who's that?
It's Maria, your other daughter.
Oh, right. Lesbian. Big help.
For your information, my eggs are frozen
in case Jamie changes her mind. Okay?
Technically, we're already halfway there.
All you need now, is a man.
-How about you, Paola? -Hmm?
Your eggs frozen or scrambled or whatnot?
No, I don't think it'll get to that.
-Ryan and I are-- -Honey...
you can drop the Ryan bit, hmm?
I may be blind, but I know when my girl's pulling my leg.
I mean the one they did not amputate.
I'm sorry, Papa. It didn't work out with Ryan,
but, actually, there's this new guy I'm talking to.
Hmm, yes, the one that you are going to call, video on,
before you meet with him, to make sure he's not the guy
from "The Silence of the Lambs".
Hmm... video call.
It's the reason why people can't communicate
-in real life anymore. -Papa, you do realize
that we're on a video chat now.
So what is your point?
You think I'd rather this, than in person?
We are going to see you in person, Papa.
Friday morning before the surgery.
I literally flew across the entire country to see you.
-And to see me. -Well, right now,
you may as well be in New Jersey,
it makes no difference on this phone.
♪ De la Sierra Morena ♪
♪ Cielito Lindo ♪
♪ Vienen bajando ♪
♪ Un par de ojitos negros ♪
♪ Cielito lindo De contrabando ♪
♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay ♪
♪ Canta y no llores ♪
♪ Porque cantando se alegran ♪
♪♪ Cielito lindo ♪
♪♪ Los corazones... ♪
I love you, babies.
I love my princesses.
-We love you, Papa. -Love you.
-We'll see you Friday, okay? -Hmm.
Okay, where is he? Oh!
-There she is. -Hey, Henry.
Wow, you're real.
Oh, God, you're making me blush.
Sorry. Well, do I look like me?
Si. Muy guapo. That means very handsome.
Gracias. I took seven years of Spanish--
Oh, no.
Henry?
Oh, shoot.
-Paola? -Shit.
Okay.
Umm...
-Paola? -Uh, hi. Yeah, just a minute.
Okay.
Oh, I'm sorry. I... I must have the wrong house.
No, nonsense. You must be Paola.
Oh, and aren't you lovely?
Oh, sorry... I'm Lucille. I'm Henry's mother.
-Hello. -Oh, hi.
-Hi. -Oh...
Um...
Is Henry home?
Oh, no, he's just on his way back from the doctors.
Oh, it's regular stuff. Nothing to be concerned about.
Oh, please, come on in. Come on in.
Don't be a stranger. Come on in.
Could I pour you a glass?
-I'm having one myself. -No, thank you. I'm fine.
Oh, come on. It'll calm you down.
Okay. Maybe just a little.
That's more like it.
Oh, God, sorry.
Um, hey, Henry didn't mention that you were visiting.
Oh, well, darling, that's probably because I live here.
Oh.
Here we go. Now, let us toast.
To young love.
Cheers.
So, um, do you do a lot of this, um, website dating?
Um, you know, here and there.
Well, you can put all of that to bed now,
because my Henry, he is quite a catch.
Excellent husband material.
Mm.
Wait, you... you don't believe me?
I do, totally.
He's just as handsome as he is in his pictures.
And if I do say so myself,
the girls, they really love him for his huge...
...heart. Oh, God, are you all right, dear?
-I'm so sorry. -No. Let me get you something.
Um, what was I-- Oh, like I said,
my Henry, he's uh... he's excellent husband material.
Everybody says so. And he's had all of his tests,
so he's as clean as a whistle.
Oh...
-Right, let's take care of that. -Oh.
Now, the trick here is to dab, not to wipe.
-That's totally fine. -You see?
Totally.
That is a word that you young people love to use nowadays.
-"Totally." -Really? Yeah, I hadn't noticed.
Are you all right, dear? Looks like you've seen a ghost.
I'm sorry, are you, um...
Are you getting the texts I'm sending your son?
-Why, yes. -You have your son's phone?
No, no, this is my phone.
You see, I...
I know I should leave it on silent mode, but, um...
I'm just afraid I might miss something...
important.
I don't feel so...
What...
What is this? Where...
Where am I?
Aw... First date jitters, hmm?
Oh, no, no.
It's all right. You're in good company.
Henry, he's a little shy too.
Please let me go. Please.
That's why he needed help with his profile.
I just had to reach out to some nice young ladies on his behalf.
Please, let me go. Let me go. No, let me go!
No, don't fight it.
-It's worse if you fight it. -No...
Just go along for the ride.
Now, full disclosure.
His website photos, well, they're a little old.
But like I said, excellent husband material.
It's wonderful.
What do you want?
Okay...
Urgh!
Come on.
Shit.
Urgh!
What the fuck?
Okay.
Okay...
Fuck. Fuck...
Fuck.
No, stay awake. No, stay awake.
Fuck.
What the fuck?
Whoops!
Oh, my God, Henry!
Henry, what happened?
What has she done to you? Henry! Speak to me!
Oh, my God.
Henry! You will wake up this instant!
Oh, God! Oh, thank God!
It's all right. There, there we go.
Let's get you cleaned up. All right. Oh!
It's all right, okay. There, there...
Oh!
Tell me, what happened?
Oh, dear.
Oh, I know. I know. Oh!
Yeah. Oh, I know, I know.
You poor, poor thing.
Oh, it must've hurt like anything, huh?
It's okay, Mommy's gonna make it all better.
Oh, oh, I'll be careful. Oh...
Here we go. It's gonna make you better.
Oh no, no!
All right now, Henry.
There's something that's very important that I need to know.
Were you able to perform with her?
Huh?
Well, that's just... great!
Then what the hell do I have you here for? Huh?
For God's-- When are you gonna man up
and give me a goddamn grandchild?
I mean...
I'm at a loss.
I have you on the highest dose of boner-pills.
I mean, you've gotta meet me halfway here!
Do you even like girls? Huh?
Ow! No, don't you cry.
Oh God, I hate it when you cry. You sound just like your father.
Oh great, yeah. Knock some sense into yourself.
That'll really help.
It's okay, it's all right, all right.
There, there, there.
Come on! It's your favourite little tune.
There we go.
That's much better, huh?
That's much better.
You feel better now?
Yeah. You are such a sweet boy.
And a handsome boy. Huh? Hey?
And I'm so sorry I'm harsh with you.
I know it's not your fault.
I'm getting old, and I get forgetful.
And I need to remind you.
Now, tell me...
what do you do when you see a pretty girl?
Huh?
Remember?
Have you been practicing? Yeah, like I showed you?
No practicing?
It's all right.
Close your eyes now.
There we go.
Now, don't peek.
Uh-huh?
Yeah... Think of Paola.
Think of pretty Paola.
Her full lips.
Firm breasts.
Toned stomach.
And childbearing hips.
Mm-hmm? Pretty Paola.
Pretty pink Paola.
Pretty Paola.
Oh, there it is. Oh!
There it is.
Pretty pink Paola!
Yes, and...
Happy New Year!
Yeah, that's great.
There it is.
See? That's all you need to do.
Now take this.
Here you go.
It's all for Henry.
That's right. Because you're a big boy.
Now act like it.
Remember, she is small,
and weak, trapped and drugged,
and she is scared out of her mind.
You go out there, and you finish your business.
It doesn't make any sense. Okay? He's going in for surgery
in half an hour and she isn't answering her phone.
But your sister did go to meet this person last night?
Yes, on a date, at his house.
Ma'am, I appreciate your concern,
but if I filed a missing person's report
every time an adult didn't come home in the morning--
Well, you don't understand. Paola would not miss this.
Not for the world. Something happened.
If you wanna come to the station to file the paperwork,
I can't stop you. But my advice would be
to give her the benefit of the doubt.
What doubt?
Sounds like she's under a lot of stress.
Maybe she's running from the idea of losing her father.
What're you, a cop or a shrink?
I'm just trying to be helpful, ma'am.
Like I said, you're free to come down to the station--
-Hello? -It's your lucky day.
Paola's in trouble.
I had such high hopes for "Paula".
She was fiercely attractive.
Spanish, or maybe Mexican.
Latina, that kind of covers them all, right?
You know, kind of a peasant stock. Strong family values,
and that's rare for somebody of your generation,
don't you think?
I mean, there's no sense of commitment anymore.
These girls, they go out with two or three men at a time.
It's disgusting.
Well, times change, I guess.
How was the date?
Well, apparently it started off well enough, I think.
There was wine, there was chit-chat.
But now this "Paula" has... oh, what is the term?
Ghosted. She has ghosted my Henry.
I'm sorry to hear that. I know from experience,
internet dating can be brutal.
I suppose I can't put all the blame on these poor young women.
I mean, my Henry, he's um...
He can be awkward.
Sometimes I think he doesn't have the first clue
when it comes to girls.
But there's someone out there for all of us.
We just have to find them. Right?
Right.
Oh, great.
No. No! No, no!
What now?
Everything okay?
Um, it's the TV.
It's got one of those awful torture movies on.
-Oh, I can't watch those. -Oh, God, no. Neither can I.
Let me just change the channel.
There you go. Sorry.
Lucille, I was thinking
maybe Henry can join us for our next session.
Why? Are you looking for a date?
No, it's just I understand you have a lot of concerns
about what's gonna happen with Henry after...
Come on. I've had worse odds given to me.
-I just have to think positive. -Exactly.
Try not to worry about Henry. It's a numbers game.
He just has to keep at it.
If things don't work out with Paula,
there's no shortage of girls out there.
Well, speak of the devil.
You're absolutely right, dear.
As a matter of fact, Henry has another girl on the hook.
Oh, this one's a real beauty.
-Great. Glad to hear that. -Mm! Mm.
Okay, then. Same time next week?
Oh, yes. Thank you, Doctor. Goodbye, now. You are a doll.
-You take care, Lucille. -Yeah.
Twenty-nine. Right in that sweet spot.
Desperate, but still fertile.
Hello? Henry, this is your mother.
What the heck's going on up there?
Slow down. Where is Paula?
Were you able to finish your business with her?
Again?
All right, listen to me.
Henry, Henry, calm down.
Plan B. Forget the fornication.
You are to find her, and you are to finish her. Dead.
Never mind about that now.
I've got the next one on the line.
She's a flight attendant, and a pretty one at that.
She's about to fly out of town,
which might work to our advantage.
I might be able to get her here,
today, before she wiggles off the hook.
Oh, this is a big opportunity, Henry.
Oh, hi.
Now, slide your index finger
into your...
...hoo--
Okay.
Henry!
Oh, you crazy bitch.
Oh! Shh, shh...
Shh...
Papa?
Oh...
He has his papa's eyes.
Oh, Dios.
Fuck.
Shh...
Holy shit.
-I know you. You're-- -I'm Eli.
No, no, you're him, Henry, from the profile pick.
Hey, if there's one thing about Henry,
you can always hear him coming.
Fuck!
I told you she turns off the router.
Yeah, until it's time for your video dates.
Hey, come on, stay with me.
What the hell are you doing here?
I came here to meet a girl.
She was so cute, though. So right for me.
A real throwback. Same taste in corny old movies.
I could hardly believe she was writing me back.
Turns out it wasn't her writing me back. It was--
Henry's mom.
Lucille.
She has trouble sealing the deal sometimes.
The girls, they get suspicious.
Like I wish I had been, instead of thinking with my dick.
She poured me a glass of wine,
said her daughter was stuck in traffic.
When I woke up...
What happened there?
Um, mousetrap.
Guess I got off easy.
Do you want some painkillers? I've got all kinds.
No, I'd better not.
I'm coming off whatever she drugged me with.
Right.
-How long have you been here? -I don't know. What's the date?
September 23rd.
-Oh, God. Papa! -What?
It's, um, my dad's surgery date.
I should be there.
And I told him everything was gonna be fine.
That's what I told my mom.
She had stage 4 colon cancer.
She was in the middle of her first round of chemo.
Back when I, uh...
fir-- when I first came here, I mean.
Shit.
I'm... that's...
I'm... I'm sorry.
She was so scared.
Not as scared as I was, though.
I wonder if she, um...
I'm sure your dad will forgive you.
-If he makes it. -And if you make it.
What about you?
You're just gonna go on pretending to be Henry?
I don't have a choice.
Of course you do.
She literally had a gun to my head.
Look at what she did to me.
Do you have any idea
how many women you have helped lure to their deaths?
No. I don't know how many actually show up.
You're the first one I've seen in the flesh.
Mm, well, I'm not the first one who's been in this house, but...
Maybe I can be the last.
-This is a bad idea. -Well, I'm out of small talk.
Think positive, there's two of us.
Yeah, but there's two of them.
Just sit tight.
Does it look like I'm going anywhere?
I mean, I'll be right back.
Okay, how long should I give you?
Twenty seconds.
20, 19, 18...
15, 14, 13...
10, 9, 8, 7...
5, 4...
3, 2...
One.
Finally!
My legs, they're killing me. I need my pills.
My pills! Now, shithead! Come on!
Motherfucker.
-Jesus! Ryan! -What?
What the fuck?
-Get down. -Shit.
-What the fuck, Maria? -Just wait, just wait.
Shh...
What are we doing?
-Paula's in trouble. -You said that. Trouble with?
She was supposed to meet a guy and never came home.
-What fucking guy? -I don't know, okay?
I don't have time for your jealous bullshit.
-This place is malo. -Then what are we doing
hiding under a fucking window?
Let's find out what the fuck's going on in there, huh?
Fucking Ryan!
Da police?! Don't be silly,
I'm a grown ass woman!
Henry, what's happening?
Pills? What pills?
I gave him his damn pills last night.
Your chariot awaits.
I hate to be a party pooper, but...
Do I have to think of everything?
Hey, whatever happens out there,
this is the best first date I've had in a long time.
But seriously...
I wish I'd done more.
If I'd only just...
I could've...
It's okay. Hey, we're getting out of here.
Yes, can I help you?
Hi, um, I'm here to see Henry.
-And you are? -I'm Natalie.
-No, you're not. -I am. I met Henry on a dat--
-Is Henry your son? -Of course he's my son.
Can I come in?
Well, I guess I did just open a bottle of wine.
Wow, so cozy.
Henry won't be a moment.
-Would you like a glass? -It's okay, I don't drink.
Oh... How about some water?
It's really fine, I have a nervous bladder,
so I'm happy to wait it out.
-Is Henry gonna-- -Oh, he's out.
He's running an errand.
So, um...
Is this your house, or Henry's house? Is it...
Why? You wanna make sure his name's on the deed
before you sink your claws into him.
No, no, I haven't thought that far ahead.
If I may be so bold.
How old are you?
Sure, I am 29.
Right! And I'm 35.
Excuse me?
I said, "How much do you weigh?"
-Um... -Because let's face it,
you're far heavier than in your pictures.
Is that even you in those photos?
Do you review all of Henry's dates in advance?
If not for charlatans and gold diggers, I wouldn't have to.
I think we should wait to see what Henry thinks,
before we wage on to any conclusions.
I'm allergic to dust.
And dirt.
-Here. -No, it's fine.
Take it.
You're gonna mess that face of yours.
Henry has very high standards, you know?
Yeah, I can imagine. He seems like quite the catch.
But we have a great connection already. I can just tell.
My Henry, um... he prefers a certain type.
-What type would that be? -Oh, I don't know. Petite.
Well-proportioned features.
Cares how she's perceived in polite society.
I find that a great personality makes up for a lot.
-Ha! Does it now? -Sure.
And What exactly makes up a great personality?
Maybe honesty?
Hmm... not as important as trust.
Well, I "trust" that my son
would not be able to muster even half an erection
in your presence...
Natalie.
-Well, that must be... -Henry?
-Yes, can I help you? -Yeah, I hope so.
-I'm Maria, this is Ryan. -Sorry, I have a guest.
-Could we do this another time? -This'll take a minute.
I'm sorry, I'm not interested.
We're not selling anything.
Yeah, we're actually looking for someone.
Is she about 300 pounds?
Trashy, wearing second-hand clothes.
Five-five, Latina. Looks a little bit like me.
Her name is Paola.
I'm sorry, there's no Paula here. If you'll excuse me.
Oh, how about Henry? Is he home?
Look, I don't know what game you're playing,
but if you could... excuse me!
Where are you going?
Paola came here for a date with Henry last night.
I wouldn't know, my son dates a lot of women.
Well, apparently, they hit it off because
get this, I can't get Paola to leave this place.
Well, obstinance must run in the family.
Now for the last time, get out.
-Where's my sister? -Oh, shit!
-Hey! Whoa! Whoa! -No! No! No!
-Get her off me! -I'm fucking trying!
-You nosey little cunt! -Shit.
Ryan!
-No, no! -Nighty night!
-Are you okay? -Yeah, thanks. Who are you?
I'm Natalie, I'm here for a date with Henry.
Well, you're gonna have to get in line.
Great, did we murder some crazy old lady?
No! Nobody murdered anybody.
-What the fu-- What's this? -It's mine.
A Chinese police baton, high-strength alum--
I don't care.
Should we call the police?
Call whoever you want. I'm gonna find my sister
-and get out of here. -If she's still alive.
-God! Shut the fuck up, Ryan? -You shut the fuck up!
-I didn't sign up for this shit. -You're a chicken shit baby!
-You called me! -Hey, guys! Guys! Stop it!
Clearly, we're on the same side, right?
What are you even talking about?
Go home. You don't want any of this.
Are you kidding? I did not just whack a mole for nothing.
And I'm gonna dine out on this tale for years.
Now let's go find your fucking sister, okay?
Paola?
Paola! Shit.
-Okay. -There's a stairwell there,
-but it's all bricked up. -Great, not creepy at all.
Guys! It's back here!
Locked.
Oh, shit!
Shit, yeah!
Hey, move.
Okay...
Jesus, Ryan! God... That's not helping.
Watch out, mousetraps.
If we live through this your sister's gonna owe me.
Yeah, right.
I'm sure she'll just run right into your arms,
and give you a great big--
Whoa! Shit!
-Whoa, whoa, hey! Whoa! -Fuck...
-Paola! -Ryan?
What the fuck are you doing here?
Nice to see you too.
Okay, hold on! He's here to help, we all are.
Whoa, whoa...
-Maria called me. Are you okay? -Maria?
Paola, what the hell is happening here?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God... Oh, Maria, I'm so sorry,
I'm so sorry. Hey, wake up.
Hey, we don't have time for this.
You're gonna have to carry her, okay?
-Okay? -Who the fuck are you?
-That's Henry. -No, I'm Eli.
We need to get moving, okay? He's coming.
-Who? -Henry, you fucking idiot.
The real Henry!
-No. -Let's go, let's go.
Help me, help me. Okay.
-Oh! -Come on.
Oh, fuck.
No, no, no.
I know another way. We can go around.
I got this, I got this.
Take her, take her, take her, come on.
-Ryan? Ryan, don't! -Yeah, don't.
-I said I got this. -Don't be fucking stupid.
No...
We have to keep moving, let's go.
-Okay, come on. Okay. -This way.
Come on, let's go.
Okay, Henry, you gonna make me fuck you up or what?
Oh, shit!
Faster! Come on!
Okay...
-How'd you get through? -The keys. Maria has them.
-Got them, okay. -Got it.
-Come on, come on. -Hurry. How are we gonna...
You got it, you got it.
-Come on. Okay. -Come on.
Come on, you can do it.
-Yes, okay. -Nice.
Okay. Okay...
Okay.
Come on!
Run!
No! Henry, no! No! No!
No! Henry! Stop! Stop!
Run!
Henry! No!
No! No!
Maria?
Maria, are you there?
Maria?
I can't hear you.
Baby? What is that?
Pa-pa.
Papa!
It's Paola.
Paola! Honey, you sound so far away.
Come closer.
How was the procedure?
-Are you okay? -Well, I'm still here.
I'm sorry, Papa.
I should be there.
We both should.
No, I told you. You mustn't worry about me.
I want you out there, meeting new people.
-Actually, I did meet someone. -Oh, yes?
He's kind...
And handsome, and he's got a good heart.
You two have a lot in common. He's even an amputee.
Baby, you don't sound like yourself. Where is Maria?
-Maria's fine, Papa, she's... -Come over here, girl.
She's--
♪ De la Sierra Morena ♪
♪ Cielito lindo ♪
♪ Vienen bajando ♪
♪ Un par de ojitos negros ♪
♪ Cielito lindo ♪
♪ De contrabando ♪
♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay ♪
♪ Canta y no llores ♪
♪ Porque cantando se alegran ♪
♪ Cielito lindo ♪
♪ Los corazones... ♪
♪ Pájaro que abandona ♪
♪ Cielito lindo ♪
♪ Su primer nido ♪
♪ Si lo encuentra ocupado ♪
♪ Cielito lindo Bien merecido ♪
Sorry, Henry. We're not a match.
Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.
-Oh, fuck. -What?
-Henry's mom. -Patio door, this way.
Peekaboo!
No, Maria!
All right, everybody. Show's over.
That's right. So put the gun down and let us go.
You always were an ungrateful little bastard.
-Lucille, please. -"Lucille".
Is that any way to address your mother?
-Mother? -Oh, God!
-I can explain. -Oh, this should be good.
I was supposed to slow you down give away your position,
-I didn't, I tried to help. -You're her son!
-That thing is your brother. -They made me do this.
-You think I wanted this? -How the fuck should I know?
Oh, I see now. You two... you have a little thing.
No, we don't.
My two sons.
Sometimes, I don't know which one is more useless.
I mean, Henry... Yeah, he's got his problems.
But you, there's no excuse for the way that you are.
You're weak.
Selfish. Here.
No ambition! And worst of all...
impotent!
I know, I know...
You're probably wishing that you'd chosen Henry now, huh?
But since you didn't, I don't know.
Maybe we can use that little pretty sister of yours, huh?
See what Henry does to her.
No, no!
-No, no, no... No! -You're gonna be okay.
I'm sorry.
Paola, get the gun!
Paola!
Maria! No!
You could've had it all. Everything.
A child. A handsome, loyal companion.
A family of your own.
But now it's just...
Look at the mess that you've made!
Yeah! How will I ever live with myself?
Oh! You won't have to, darling.
Henry!
Henry?
Henry, what have they done to you?
What did you do to my boy?! Huh?
Henry!
Oh, there, there, my sweetheart.
Mommy's gonna take care of everything.
But first, I think there's something that you need to do.
Huh? Come on.
Take her.
She won't put up a fuss... Not now.
Come on, Henry. Take her.
Do it already! Take it out, put it inside her.
Oh, for Christ's sake, Henry. Must I do everything?
You take it out, and you put it in.
Stop her!
Fuck her...
Henry!