[instrumental music]
[sighs]
Don't even think about it.
Don't even.
[panting]
[door closes]
[drawer closes]
[paper rustling]
[intriguing music]
[inhales sharply]
[unsettling music]
[groans]
-[thud] -[dog barking]
Ow.
No. What... No!
No. Leave it!
Greetings, young Port Wennians!
-[children] Hello! -It is our honor...
Nay, our duty to help you learn
about our town's history through our eyes.
Let's travel back to the year 1757.
I'm Roderick, the bog harvester.
Each day, I cut peats into bricks
for the townspeople to cook their food.
Peat also makes an excellent camouflage.
But the bog is not just for food and fuel.
It's also for love.
[all] Ooh!
Our town leader Archibald "No Nose" Wenn
proposed to Annabelle Ross while gathering peat.
Yes, it is I, Archibald "No Nose" Wenn,
many moons ago,
I declared my undying love to the woman
of my dreams right here in this very bog.
Yes. Huh...
My beloved and I lived happily married
for 37 years...
growing a family with a bunch of nice little kids.
[indistinct chatter]
And being the very heart and soul of Port...
-I'm sorry. Sorry. -Oh!
[splashing]
[ominous music]
[screaming]
[all screaming]
[theme music]
What brings you back in?
My pickleball tourney's this weekend,
and my elbow's still killing me.
Have you been doing the physical therapy exercises
-I gave you? -No.
-They were so boring. -And so are patients
who don't listen to me.
And yet, I keep at it every day.
How's the urinary flow?
It's still just a dribble.
I hear the young guys in the urinals
next to me peeing like race horses.
Have you been doing the Kegel exercises
we discussed? It's very simple.
You just imagine your penis is a straw.
-You just-- -Kegel? For me?
-Mm-hmm. -Well, that's just too much.
It's too much.
My wife gives me food, now you want me to do Kegels?
Let me guess. You still have lice.
Why else would I be here?
And no, you can't make me shave my head.
This hair is my signature look.
I never suggested you shave your head.
I told you to use permethrin shampoo.
Oh, okay.
Wait, what?
[indistinct chattering]
Show of hands!
How many people are here to complain about
something I've already seen them for?
And how many of you actually
done the thing I asked you to do?
[indistinct chattering]
Great. And who's next to waste my time? Elaine?
Oh, Hi, Doc. Elaine, uh, s-she...
Unless that sentence ends with "saving a life,"
-stop talking. -[cellphone buzzing]
Best here.
A what?
Drop me a pin.
[Louisa] I know it's so exciting, but...
Louisa.
Oh. Here, get on the bus.
-Martin, hi. -Are you all right?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, we're okay.
I mean, you know, except for
the dead guy that Mark found
-in the bog. -I heard.
-Well, why was Mark in a bog? -Martin.
Shame you're visiting our bog under such grim circumstances.
You went in, too? Are you aware that bogs
are a natural incubator for gangrene?
No, it's fine. We do this every year.
And besides, no one's lost a toe yet.
-That's right -[both laugh]
[Mark] Doc, you made it.
Big day for Port Wenn. Our very first mystery corpse.
It's kind of a big milestone, if you really think about it.
Mm. Yeah, and I'm still trying to figure out
why you needed me here. No one's hurt.
Right. Things are going fast and furious.
The medical examiner's on her honeymoon.
So she deputized you to run point
-on the forensic investigation. -Why, absolutely not.
No, I'm not a coroner, and I have
a full afternoon of patients.
Oh. Well, if you want to move my bloodletting to tomorrow...
I'm not clearing my schedule
for an autopsy, okay?
My job is to take care of living bodies,
-not dead ones. -Right.
But today, the law says that it is.
The medical examiner needs us to ID the body,
collect DNA and figure out cause of death.
She also said something else, too.
That was very important.
Okay.
How-how about tomorrow first thing?
Oh, yeah. That'll be fun.
I mean, fine. It'll be fine.
Yeah, that's totally fine.
Okay, see you later.
[car door closes]
Hey, Doc, where do you want me to drop off the dead guy?
Oh, right. That was the important thing.
Okay, so we have to store the body for a few days.
Figured we'd just use the old doc's office, blast the AC.
Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
Unless he has an appointment, he's not coming in,
and it's not nearly cold enough.
[Mark] Okay, so what are we looking for then?
Somewhere refrigerated,
big enough to conduct an autopsy.
Whatever you say, Doc.
-Whatever you say, Doc. -Whatever you say, Doc.
[intriguing music]
Hmm.
Okay.
[indistinct chattering]
[Bert] Yeah, I got it. Yeah, I got it.
Okay, here we go. Yep. Yep.
We got it. Okay.
Appreciate you lending us the walk-in.
Yeah. It's the least we could do.
Oh, I hope the feet don't break off.
Nope. If I just... Watch it, watch it, watch it.
We almost get shut down by the health department
over our sweet little brisket.
And now we're emptying out our walk-in for a dead body.
Greg, don't be heartless.
This man deserves a proper Port Wenn welcome, dead or not.
Besides, Martin's not gonna snitch again!
Ooh. Looks like a haunted potato.
Be sure to add that to the autopsy report.
A puncture wound.
About the size of a bullet.
Just like the guy I saw outside Danceteria in '82.
Oh, I love your wild days.
Is that when Madonna stole your cab?
Please, when didn't Madonna steal my cab?
No one comes in this room without me
or Sheriff Mylow. Understood?
-Why, Doc? -Doc's right.
We got to lock it down.
-Not here. -Oh, no.
Hey there, guys, what's happening?
This man may have been murdered.
[suspenseful music]
Tell us, has there been a murder in Port Wenn?
Is there a killer on the loose?
[woman 1] Are we even safe? [woman 2] Are we in danger?
[man 1] Who got shot?
[autotuned] Everyone, please stay calm!
[mic whines]
Everyone, please stay calm.
As sheriff, it's my duty to protect Port Wenn
and to keep it real.
[all agreeing]
We found a bullet hole in the dead dude.
Yes, it might be murder.
-[man 2] Unbelievable. -What?
It's scary, but don't worry,
I've organized Port Wenn's first ever
neighborhood watch,
and I've nominated Sarah to lead it.
-[indistinct chattering] -[applause]
And, of course, our very own Dr. Martin Best
is gonna lead the forensic investigation.
So if you have any questions or leads,
please feel free to come to either one of us, okay?
Questions. Yeah, buddy.
Who's the prime suspect?
Got any leads?
It's still early days.
Figures. Incompetence everywhere.
What should we do?
I put a lot of thought into that. Doc?
[indistinct chattering]
You all want to stay alive?
[all] Oh, yes. Of course. Of course.
Then do your physical therapy.
And, Ronnie, take your insulin.
You're gonna end up like that guy in the fridge.
Come on, Ronnie.
Every single one of you.
More dietary fiber.
[all murmuring]
-[mic thuds] -[mic whines]
[soft music]
[Elaine] Wait a minute. Who is the dead guy?
Elaine, slow down.
I'm going out to do the autopsy.
Move Louisa to the morning,
reschedule the rest of my patients.
-Can you handle that? -Yes.
Yes, yeah, totally.
But, Doc, a murder in Port Wenn?
It's like we're living in our own crime show.
[intriguing music]
Hey, don't tell anyone, but...
I'm very excited.
I've always wanted a real crime to solve,
so I can be taken seriously.
You know, not just the guy who comes
and gets the owl out of your attic.
Okay.
You just seal up that bag. And what's left?
-Tissue sample. -Right.
-[metal clinking] -Okay.
[both sighing]
-Now. -Yeah.
-Mm-hmm. -Mm-hmm.
[squelching]
Hmm, thought there'd be some blood.
Blood coagulates after death.
[Mark] So, why is it so squishy?
Because of the bog water.
Cold, acidic, low oxygen preserves tissue,
but not blood flow.
Oh, so it's like working on a live body,
but without any of the blood?
Exactly.
So, when do you think he died?
That is a good question, my friend.
He could have died weeks ago, months ago, or even years ago.
That really opens up the pool of
potential victims.
-Mm-hmm. -And suspects.
Oh...
Okay, time in bog, TBD.
Uh, male, height 5'10",
no tattoos, red hair.
Nah.
Well, maybe.
Okay, hang tight, Doc. I got to go...
I got to go detective something real quick.
Sure.
I'll just be done in a second.
[tapping]
[upbeat music]
♪ Move outside and let the man go through ♪
♪ Let the man go through
♪ Move outside and let the man go through ♪
♪ Let the man go through
♪ Move outside and let the... ♪
-[clanking] -Greg!
[whispering] Get it together, Greg.
[whispering] Sorry.
[shushing]
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Is that Josephine Alcott's car in Ronnie Winslow's driveway?
[Greg] Wow.
The dust hasn't even settled on his poor wife's grave.
I don't think the casseroles
are the only things she's been cooking up.
[Greg] Casserole in the hay.
[indistinct whispering]
A dead body was found in the bog.
Come on, people, think. Who's our John Doe?
And who do we like for this?
Port Wenn isn't just the best place for lobster rolls.
It's a town full of secrets.
Stay tuned.
I'm Detective Elaine Denton,
and this is Claw and Order, BOG.
Duh-duh!
Yeah. Yeah!
Elaine, you're, you're pretty good at this.
Really. And that jacket is really hot.
-Oh, yeah? -Yeah, I really like it.
-[door opens] -[Martin whistling]
Oh, hi. Hi, Doc.
Uh, we were, we were just... Uh...
Carry on.
[Elaine] Wait a minute. What's the scoop?
Who's the dead guy and how did he die?
Not sure yet. Still working on it.
-You two have a good night. -Well, wait. What...
What is that?
Were you actually in a good mood?
Why wouldn't I be?
Finally, I have a patient who doesn't talk back.
You did this?
Uh... yeah.
Yeah. It's pretty neat, right?
Hmm, if only you were this good at your real job.
[chuckles] Night.
[Martin whistling]
[instrumental music]
[door opens]
It's scarier when he's nice.
[suspenseful music]
[indistinct chattering]
What's wrong with Geneva?
[Mark] We don't know for sure,
but we think the body that we found
-might be Bruce. -Aah.
Same height, red hair, and he may have been shot.
[gasps] Oh, my goodness, my Brucey?
I know this is a lot to take in.
When was the last time you saw him?
Thanksgiving.
A few years ago.
You know that. Everyone knows that.
Sure. But you never told us where he went or why he left.
Yeah, I didn't want to talk about it then,
and I sure don't want to talk about it now.
-I know. -[door closes]
What's going on here?
Official police business.
Well, I'm the neighborhood watch,
and she's my best friend. What's going on?
I don't want you to faint when I tell you this.
Just spit it out, Mark.
We might have found Bruce's body.
-In the bog? -Mm-hmm.
Geneva, do you think that might be possible?
Yes.
I did it.
I killed Brucey.
What?
Yup, I shot my husband
and I chucked him in the bog.
Okay, okay.
I think I'm gonna need a minute.
[Geneva] Wait, wait. Come on.
Do your job. Lock me up.
What?
[soft music]
[woman on radio] ...history. In an autopsy...
-[knocking on door] -I'm busy, Elaine.
[Louisa] Oh, it's, it's Louisa.
[indistinct radio chatter]
-Hey. -Louisa. Right.
-Yeah. Uh-huh. -Your-your appointment.
How-how are you?
Um, I'm a little nervous.
-Me too. -You are?
[stammering] No, I'm sorry.
I don't know why I said that.
-Oh. Okay. -Of course not.
Bloodletting is an easy procedure.
-Oh, good. -Just...
Elaine didn't come in with you?
-She's late. -I, uh... She, um...
She stopped at the Salty Breeze that she needed her Danish fix.
Oh, good, good.
I paid for work to get in the way
-of her breakfast treats. -[chuckles]
How-how long should this take, you think?
It's just, I-I should probably get to school soon.
Right. I'll just find a needle.
Finding a needle. [chuckles]
[intriguing music]
-[cupboard closes] -So how's, uh...
-How's school? -Busy.
I'm-I'm helping Principal Holloway
with budget cuts.
You know, I'm rationing out glue sticks
and pricing out pencils, and...
[plastic crinkling]
[clears throat]
[whispering] Let's do this.
-Right. -Yeah.
[Martin] Okay. I'll just... [Louisa] Oh, yeah.
-Hmm. Just... -Mm-hmm.
[soft music]
[clears throat]
-Make a fist. -All right.
Is, is something wrong?
-Yes. You, well... -Me?
Very thin.
-Oh. -Your veins are very thin.
I'm-I'm...
gonna need you to come back when you're more hydrated.
-[gasps] Oh, my gosh. -[clattering]
Dr. Reese always loved my veins, so...
Yeah. Well, then, Dr. Reese will have to come back
from the dead and draw your blood.
No, no, no. That's not what I mean.
I just, I just don't think I can keep rescheduling.
[Martin] Hello.
What?
Are you kidding?
I'll be right there.
What-what's going on now?
Mark. He arrested Geneva.
H-have Elaine reschedule.
[instrumental music]
[door creaking]
All right, you weirdos. Five bucks, five minutes.
And keep it down, and don't touch it!
[gasps] Oh, my God. Look at his feet.
Want to get a pic?
Uh, uh, photos are five bucks extra.
-Extra? -Per person.
-Okay, boomer. -[laughs] Tell all your friends.
[Harley] Ready?
-[slow music] -[camera shutter clicks]
Geneva, walk us through it.
How'd you do it? What gun?
Mark, if I keep answering your questions,
I'll never finish this row.
And I told you already.
At home with Bruce's hunting rifle,
and then I tossed him in the bog.
You really tossed a 200-pound man into a bog on your own?
-I used my core. -[Mark] Geneva.
How am I supposed to tell my mom this?
This is gonna kill her.
What else have you been lying about?
Your goldfish didn't run away.
Wait, he didn't join a rock band?
Mark, better not to know.
You and my mom told me that he was in
a band called Cutie and the Goldfish.
This is just, like, so much for me to take in right now.
I'm... I'm just...
[door closes]
I never could understand how he got into law enforcement.
-[scoffs] -Yeah, me either.
Geneva, I-I need to know more about Bruce's medical history
in order to confirm his identity.
Did he have any tattoos? Identifying marks?
Surgeries perhaps?
Well, he, he didn't have a spleen,
or a gallbladder, or an appendix.
You know, one of those organs you don't really need.
That's a start.
[Sarah] I still can't believe it.
Geneva! It's not possible.
I mean, she was always cagey about why Bruce left.
Never gave a straight answer.
Just one day, he was gone.
Yes, you can sleep next to someone for 20 years
and not have a clue what they're capable of.
I saw Cher without you once.
Once. It was the farewell tour.
Exactly. It was the farewell tour.
I have to film a new episode.
This is big news. This is big news.
Also, these might be your best yet.
What kind of cheese did you use?
If I told you...
-I'd have to kill you. -I'd have to kill you.
Yeah, we can't say that anymore.
It's different now.
The truth has clawed its way to the surface.
The Port Wenn killer has been caught,
and it's always the ones you least expect.
Until next time,
Detective Denton, Claw and Order, BOG.
Duh-duh!
So good.
But, why'd she do it?
Doesn't matter. Case closed.
Your detective work sucks.
Hey, do not sass my girlfriend, okay?
And-and-and show some respect for law enforcement.
"Girlfriend?"
-Yeah, I, well... -Al, we've been over this.
We're frisky friends. That's it.
Finally, it's getting interesting.
You know what?
Fine. Get yourself a new cameraman.
And-and-and another frisky friend.
Hey! What's a frisky friend?
[door closes]
Uh...
Five bucks, five minutes a pop.
Quick and quiet, okay?
Bert? Really?
Are you charging to see the dead body?
This is a tragedy, not a carnival sideshow.
I'm just trying to make an honest dollar.
Have you no shame?
The world today.
Hell in a hand basket.
I'm disappointed in all of you.
I take care of George.
-You cut me in? -Deal.
Sheriff Mark, cheese it.
[clamoring]
[intriguing music]
It's like, it's like, first Bruce,
and then it's my goldfish.
What else is Geneva hiding from me, you know?
Just to be clear,
you actually thought a goldfish could sing?
Well, I had a dog who could read my mind. So...
Anyway, we don't even know if this is Bruce
or just Geneva having some sort of geriatric delusion.
Did you bring your flashlight?
Of course, Doc. I never leave home without it.
Where are we going?
Just shine it right above the abdomen.
[intriguing music]
So I checked with Dr. Reese's files
and Bruce had a cholecystectomy.
So if this body...
[metal clinks]
...doesn't have a gallbladder,
it's likely Bruce.
How'd you do this for a living, Doc?
Best job in the world.
You seem different, man.
I don't know. You seem, like, more cheerful.
You're starting to make me a little uncomfortable.
I'm just enjoying the work.
It's not a crime.
Thank goodness, 'cause it would have killed me
to have to arrest you too, Doc.
I knew it. This isn't Bruce.
Oh?
We always wondered
what happened between the two of you.
You were so secretive after he, uh, left town.
But we didn't think you'd killed him.
It was this darn cable stitch.
And now, the whole town knows
that you're not just a cake baking sweetheart,
you're a cold-blooded husband killer
who's gonna spend the rest of her life in prison.
[groans] I'm gonna have to redo this whole row.
Geneva Larson,
you've never botched a cable stitch in your life.
All right.
I didn't kill Brucey.
Then why did you turn yourself in?
Because I'd rather rot in here
than have everyone know the truth.
What's worse than a murder charge?
That Thanksgiving
when, when Bruce left,
he left... with my sister.
Bonnie?
Well, it's always the ones you don't expect.
I haven't spoken to either of them since.
Two people I love most in the world,
they chose each other and left me
with cold turkey and a broken heart.
But the truth I-I really don't want
to admit is that I am old, alone
and not loved. [sobs]
Oh, Geneva, don't be crazy.
We all love you, and we're not going anywhere, okay?
And, you know, everybody has a secret or two.
You know what I just saw?
[whispering] Josephine and Ronnie going after each other
like dogs in heat.
-Really? -Hmm.
[both chuckling]
She's sure was baking a lot of casseroles.
Now we know why.
[laughing]
What do you mean it's not Bruce?
Bruce doesn't have a gallbladder.
This body does.
-[groaning] -[tapping]
Wait.
Wait a second.
Can you shine your light more over here?
Yeah.
[suspenseful music]
[whispering] What was a marble doing in there?
I think this body was in the bog
a lot longer than we thought.
Good eye, Martin, it's a musket ball.
18th century.
This might be an early Port Wennian,
like Jeremiah or Roderick, or nay, Archibald "No Nose" Wenn.
This cadaver was centuries old.
We discovered a Bog Man on this side of the Atlantic.
I mean, that's the headline.
This is incredible.
Wow. This case just took a turn.
We have a lot of work to do.
What for? The investigation is over.
This is now a scientific discovery.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Not so fast. This is still a homicide.
Four-hundred-year-old murder.
-It's my first cold case. -Mark is right.
I would like to know who killed this early Port Wennian, too.
It's part of our, what?
-History. -History, Doc.
Fine. As long as you leave me out of it.
Knock yourselves out. I have to make a call.
Don't worry about nothing, Doc.
-You know I got this. -Thanks, partner.
Geneva didn't do it.
Sorry, Jessica Fletcher. That's old news.
-What? -Hi, Norman.
-It's Dr. Martin Best. -Look at this.
[Martin] Yes. Yes, it's been a while.
Listen, I-I need a favor.
-I was wondering... -What's all the hubbub?
Geneva didn't kill Bruce.
[George] The dead body might be
an early Port Wennian! I'm so excited!
-Wait, there's no murder? -No mystery?
It's a cold case, straight out of the freezer,
-right onto the grill. -[chuckles]
How are we gonna load these shirts?
An ancient murder is still a murder!
Hey, what are you two whispering about?
Repairs.
Come on, Bert, let's go...
-Tighten... the hinge. -The loose... Yeah, the hinge.
[Martin] Great. All right. Thanks, Norman.
I-I'll send those peat samples over to the lab right away.
Okay, got it. I'll-I'll ask. Bye.
Can I have everyone's attention?
Hello.
Excuse me.
Who wants to make a thousand dollars?
Mm. Well, at least you're predictable.
I just got off the phone with a colleague,
a forensic anthropologist from Harvard.
Yeah, get on with it.
-We know you went to Harvard. -Go Crimson!
We just discovered a rare Bog Man
who could be hundreds of years old.
It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to study taphonomy--
Jump to the part where we get paid.
Right. Researchers want to do DNA testing
to identify any living relatives,
and they'll pay a thousand dollars per confirmed match.
[Sarah] So what do we do?
Just pile in a van? Go down to Boston?
Nope. I'll open my office for anyone
who wants to do genetic testing.
Who's interested?
Great.
Elaine will coordinate DNA collection.
Absolutely.
[intriguing music]
Detective Elaine Denton here.
Mystery is not over yet.
Who's the old dead dude? Was he still murdered?
And most importantly,
who here in Port Wenn has found their bog daddy,
their bog grampy, Bogfather?
That's it. [clears throat]
Only time and some DNA samples will tell.
Need a new frisky friend for your show?
-I'm good with mysteries. -Ew, definitely no.
Don't say that. But I do need a new cameraman.
Let's talk.
See, that's how they get you.
One day, they take your DNA.
The next day, you're in a police lineup
-for car theft in Kalamazoo. -Come on, Dad.
You-you love a chance to make some quick cash.
Money's not that important.
Meet you out back for a peek at the Bog Man.
Okay. All right.
See. Come on.
I know you too well. We should, we should do it.
Your DNA leads to my DNA, and I can't risk it.
So don't do it.
[slow music]
Glad you came in voluntarily, Gilbert.
I'd hate to have to subpoena you.
I don't know what you're talking about,
but you're making me very nervous.
In a small town, everybody's hiding something.
I'm Detective Elaine Denton.
Stay tuned for the next episode of Claw and Order.
The Bogfather.
Kinda stiff on that take.
Yeah, I got a better one in me.
New cameraman already?
-That's fast. -That's show business.
If my dad asked if I came in, don't tell him, okay?
He's been really weird about that stuff.
Not a problem. It's like you're not even here.
I'm gonna shoot this.
Lots of unspoken tension.
-Can it, Cronk. -Yeah, Cronk.
[sighs]
I promise, I have been pounding water
all day today like it's my job.
We'll see if your veins agree.
[clears throat]
We'll be removing a pint to lower your ferritin levels.
Should take about half hour.
[clears throat]
Make a fist.
I'm glad we got this in today.
This morning, you seemed very, uh...
Pass the needle.
[Louisa] Wait. What?
Oh, this is just how we do it.
It's perfectly normal.
It's textbook normal.
Did I do something wrong?
Offend you somehow?
-What? -[Louisa] I don't know.
It just feels like you can't stand
being in the same room with me anymore.
You know what? I-I don't have the time
to deal with the emotional insecurities of every patient.
I-I have to collect peat samples.
-[chuckles] Excuse me? -What?
What? I have important research to do and I'm running late.
[scoffs] You know, it's funny, um...
This is the most engaged I have ever seen you.
And it's over a corpse.
Yes. And you want to know why?
Because unlike humans, corpses don't talk back.
They-they don't tease, they don't gossip.
Their tender little feelings don't get hurt.
They aren't a constant tsunami of needs and opinions.
And, at least with a corpse,
I won't be surprised when it doesn't listen to me.
I knew it.
I never thought you were a right fit for Port Wenn
and now you're proving me right.
[soft music]
What did you just do?
-[Martin] I have to go. -Where?
Somewhere I can be alone.
What does that mean?
[door opens]
[pensive music]
-[grunts] -[thud]
[splash]
[slow music]
[muffled] No!
[gasping]
[coughing]
[breathing heavily]
[thud]
[mellow music]
[thud]
-Two. -Two.
[Greg] It was good, right?
Oh, so creepy. Oh, my God, there's a hair.
The Bog Man. Tell your friend.
Hey, right you here, ladies. Right in there.
Honey, I'm looking for the ma...
Greg Garrison,
you are not doing what I think you're doing.
Do not judge me until you see the electric bill.
That is dirty money.
Costs are up, margins are down.
So every dirty dollar helps.
-I'd show you the spreadsheet. -No, no, no, no.
I'm just gonna get a raging headache.
Well, I try to protect you, my love.
I know you hate to see me bogged down by details.
-Oh. -Okay...
Hey, you make enough to fix the oven light?
Yes, and perhaps enough to splurge on name-brand mayo.
Greg, you're such a tease.
-Mm. -[chuckles]
Two more.
-Hey, Miss Dana. -It was good, right?
Tell your friends. Tell your friends.
-Any words from Harvard? -Not yet.
Oh, the DNA lab sent a couple flags
from the genetic screenings.
[intriguing music]
Can you have Al come in?
Al? Do I have to?
What do you think, detective?
Hey, thanks, Greg.
-Thanks, my love. -How's it going, guys?
A lot of dead ends, no pun intended.
Whoa, wait. Check this. "Battle of Machias,
fought in Maine during the Revolutionary War.
Musket balls, 18th century."
-It lines up. -Strong working theory, George.
Adding it to the list.
Glad you're having fun. But we open in five.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go on ahead without me.
[kisses]
Last time I let him near The History Channel.
So the DNA testing shows you have genetic markers
for Marfan Syndrome.
What? Am-am I okay?
Absolutely. You're gonna be fine.
No, it's, it's a connective tissue disorder.
Now, while it can be serious,
your signs are the manageable ones.
Uh, you're just tall, thin, flexible joints,
nearsightedness.
You wear corrective lenses, right?
-Yeah. -Listen.
It's a good thing you took the DNA test.
Now we know, so we can keep an eye on it.
But again, there's absolutely nothing to worry about here.
Okay? See you at your annual physical.
[slow music]
Wait, Doc, um, you said it's genetic.
Correct.
And is that from my mom's side or my dad's?
In this case, from your father's side.
Okay, well, he's built like a truck,
and he's got perfect vision.
Yes.
So does that mean my dad is not my dad?
[mellow music]
Al, look...
Family isn't just genetics.
You guys. The Bog Man results are here.
This is gonna be so exciting.
We'll read it out at the Salty Breeze.
It'll be so fun, and really good content for my show.
So, Al, maybe we should just...
What happened?
-Is he okay? -You'll have to ask him.
Al! Al, wait!
What are you... Come on, Al!
Just leave it, Elaine.
[instrumental music]
[door closes]
[Greg] It's such a great photograph.
[chuckles] Oh, this so exciting.
[upbeat music]
-Martin. -Louisa.
What was that about?
Doctor-patient confidentiality.
You just can't help being a jackass, can you?
Dear Port Wennians,
we gather to honor history
and the miracle of DNA testing.
May I have ye old envelope?
[chuckles]
Oh, can I get a drum roll please?
[table beating]
[chuckles]
And the results are...
[rips]
Harvard has confirmed there was one living descendant
of the Port Wenn Bog Man.
And that person is...
Oh, snap. Martin Best?
[all gasping]
You're-you're kidding. It's-it's Martin?
What about Aunt Sarah?
It just says your name.
Must be on your mother's side.
But I-I didn't submit DNA.
I may have borrowed some hairs from your hair brush.
Elaine, that's a complete violation of privacy,
not to mention illegal on several levels.
Oh, Martin, come on, and face it.
This town's in your blood.
[laughter]
It's a good thing we didn't send in our DNA, huh?
You all right, kiddo?
Yeah, Dad. Glad we didn't.
Based on historical records,
Harvard believes that the Bog Man
is a man who might be named James Brewster!
-I know that name. -[George] Yeah.
-You just said James Brewster. -[George] I did.
I know that name. I know that name. Hold on.
Okay, wait. Yeah, okay.
Right here. In "No Nose" Wenn's journal,
he wrote, "The 17th of June, 1759.
This day ended in trouble with a fray
betwixt James Brewster
and our good townsman.
A notorious recluse,
Brewster mainly keeps to himself in a dreary shack
by the bog, yet always finds cause to quarrel
whenever he can."
Yeah, he sounds like he's related to Martin.
[Mark] Yeah, this sounds like Doc.
[laughter]
Martin.
[Mark] Wait, wait. Okay, wait. There's more.
"Apparently, a lot of people wanted him dead.
So much so that Archibald "No Nose" Wenn
challenged Brewster to a duel and killed him.
Whoa.
Wow, I think I just found the Bog Man's killer.
I think we just solved the case!
You know, right?
[applause]
[laughing]
[screaming]
[bell tolling in distance]
[Elaine] Hey.
What is going on with you?
Are you going to die?
Because if you're going to die,
that's gonna make me want to die.
And I'm really too young and too cute to die.
[chuckles]
No, I'm not gonna die.
I'm sorry if I, if I scare you.
Okay, so then what did Martin tell you?
[mellow music]
Um, he said I'm, uh, double jointed.
That's it?
Look...
I'm sorry
that I called you my frisky friend.
I didn't mean that. I mean, I did mean that.
But when I thought that you were going to die, it just,
it made me realize that you are
more than just some frisky friends.
So are you my girlfriend or-or no?
[sighs]
Yes.
-Yeah? -Fine.
-Okay. -I'm your girlfriend.
[door closes]
[suspenseful music]
Evenin', Bog Man.
Good night, Dr. Bog Man.
Uh, watch out, it's the Bog Man!
Stop.
That's, like, so sad.
We always knew he was the saddest man alive,
and now it's like facts.
[laughs] Come on.
[indistinct chatter]
[soft music]
[clock ticking]
[knock on door]
Martin, Martin.
Are-are you okay?
I'm-I'm here to apologize.
-Oh. -The way I spoke to you
at my office, it was wrong.
Have a good night.
[Louisa] Wait, uh...
That's it?
-That's your apology? -I'm not sure what else to say.
Why-why can't you just talk to me?
I mean, tell me what...
What's going on with you?
I...
have a hard time...
with...
blood phobia.
Oh.
About blood. A blood phobia, if you will.
Okay, um...
Wow, um...
This-this entire time?
Huh. But you're a... doctor.
A surgeon who can't stand the sight of blood.
I... came here hoping
that I could still practice medicine.
It's proven harder to do than I thought.
That's why Elaine assists me...
and why I act like a lunatic every time
I try to take your blood.
I see it.
So, why tell me now?
I...
I don't want to be the Bog Man.
Well... your dog seems to love you.
[dog whining]
[instrumental music]
[whining]
He's not my dog.
[Louisa] He sure seems like your dog.
[theme music]