Whoa, whoa, whoa, golly.
Well, what if Donald shouts at me?
What do I say, Lammy?
Just be yourself, Prime Minister.
Yourself is who everyone likes.
Hello?
Ah!
Oh, sod that scary, scary, wonderful president.
Why is it so blubbered difficult to talk to?
Sir, just be honest and tell him we
can't send any more ships to the Strait of Hormuz.
Oh, crumbs.
I just hate conflict so much.
Are you referring to the war or this phone call?
Isn't there a way I can not do both?
I just want to keep him happy, Lammy.
You don't understand him like I do.
I can change him.
I don't think the feeling's mutual.
He can't stop insulting you.
He called you a coward.
I'm out of my depth here, Lammy.
How did Liz Truss make this job look so easy?
Look, we were worried you'd lose your nerve.
So we've taken steps to help you gain unfounded confidence.
Mr. Prime Minister, meet your Gen Z advisor Atlu Hoopy.
What's up, Starmzy?
Bow, bow, bow.
Atlu Hoopy is the most qualified person we have.
He is the only person under 23 who voted Labour and would
so again in the next election.
You're not voting for the Green party?
Nah, my dad works in oil.
No cap, Starmzy, I love you and I do hearts this way
with my thumb.
Thank you Atlu Hoopy.
I love you too.
Sir Keir is trying to set boundaries with the president
while preserving their special relationship.
I see, facts, facts are key.
So you're looking for more of a special situationship.
OK, I've got you covered.
I'm an expert in messy drama.
I've been in three throuples and I'm currently gay.
First thing you gotta do, you got to forget the phone call.
These days, it's all about the voice note.
I'll try anything.
I'll do anything.
Except take a stand.
That is so Kier-coded.
Hey, listen, take the phone and just speak from the heart.
Hi, Donald.
I'm afraid I can't go to war with you.
But that doesn't mean we can't still be chums.
America and Britain have a long, proud tradition
of cooperation, and nothing can take that away.
Remember the good times.
Remember D-Day.
Remember Live Aid.
Remember Iraq--
For the first week, and then none of the rest.
Remember Helen Baxendale on "Friends."
Remember Hugh Laurie on "Friends."
Remember the episode of "Friends"
where they all came to London.
Remember the one where Joey put on all of Chandler's clothes.
That was a funny one.
Get back on track, Sir Kier.
Yes.
Most importantly, remember the one where Ross and
Rachel were on a break.
I think perhaps that's what we need.
Not forever, just until you've got all
this war out of your system.
Listen, we want different things.
I know how badly you want to start World War III,
and that's great.
You should absolutely do that.
But we can't be a part of it.
You can, however, use the Naval bases whenever you want.
Mi basa, su basa.
Sick job, K-dot.
Good work, Sir Keir.
You did the bare minimum.
And that's all people expect.
Thank you, Lammy.
It just goes to show, while we may not
agree with everything America does,
we can still be civil and embrace
their wonderful, unproblematic culture.
Speaking of which, live from London it's Saturday Night!
[cheering, applause]
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
ANNOUNCER: It's "Saturday Night Live" with Hammed Animashaun.
♪ ♪
Ayoade Bamgboye.
♪ ♪
Larry Dean.
♪ ♪
Celeste Dring.
♪ ♪
George Fouracres.
♪ ♪
Ania Magliano.
♪ ♪
Annabel Marlow.
♪ ♪
Al Nash.
♪ ♪
Jack Shep.
♪ ♪
Emma Sidi.
♪ ♪
Paddy Young.
♪ ♪
Musical guest, Wet Leg.
♪ ♪
And your host, Tina Fey.
[applause, cheers]
♪ ♪
Ladies and gentlemen, Tina Fey!
♪ ♪
Thank you very much.
Oh, my gosh.
I am so excited to be here in London.
It is an absolute honor and honestly kind of historic.
Guys, I am the youngest person ever to host "SNL UK"!
[cheers, applause]
Again, my name is Tina Fey.
Here in the UK--
here in the UK, you might know me as the teacher from "Mean
Girls," or you might remember a long time ago when I played
Sarah Palin on "SNL" US.
Or maybe you feel like you recognize me as the lady
from the show "Veep."
And that's fine too.
Let's go with that.
So why do a UK version of "SNL."
Well, like so many large-scale American operations
these days, no one really knows why.
But here's what this is, OK?
It is a sketch comedy show.
There will be a different celebrity host each week.
There will be music performances.
And the show is truly live, so things may go wrong.
Things may have already gone wrong.
My pants were supposed to be full length.
And I'm so excited for you to meet your cast.
They are wonderful.
I can't even begin to understand
them when they speak.
One boy is either Scottish or choking.
But their energy is A plus.
And I am going to stay out of their way tonight
as much as possible.
I am just here, as a longtime "SNL"
employee to help out and to answer any questions anyone
might have of what to expect.
Oh, hi.
Yeah, Nicola Coughlan.
Hi.
[applause, cheering]
Hi.
It is lovely to see you.
But my question is, if this is "SNL UK," then
why are you the first host?
Shouldn't it be like a British icon,
like David Beckham or-- or Judi Dench or, like, Shrek?
Yeah, Shrek.
Wait, Shrek is British?
Scotland is in Britain, Tina.
Educate yourself.
Sorry, my apologies.
Well, that is a valid question, why an American host.
And the way it was explained to me
was that for this first episode, anyway, um,
how do I put this politely?
None of you fuckers would do it.
Does that make sense?
Yeah, it does, it does.
But is it possible that many of us
were a little reluctant to be in the first show
because this is going out in Britain,
and British people tend to root for the failure of others?
Yes!
Yeah, yeah, why are you guys like that?
Well, not me.
I'm Irish.
Educate yourself.
Yes.
Look, that all is to say, if this show is a hit,
and if you do ever happen to get
Olly Murs for musical guest, I would be honored to come
back and win a BAFTA for it.
Amazing!
That's great to know.
Thank you, Nicola.
Any-- any other questions?
Oh, sure. Michael Cera.
Hi.
Hi, Tina.
Hi, Michael.
Why are you here?
You're not British. - No, no.
I'm Canadian.
It's part of the Commonwealth.
Educate yourself.
Sorry.
No, I don't really have a question.
But I just wanted to say, I think--
I think you just swore a second ago.
You said the F word.
Oh, yeah.
We are allowed to swear in this version of the show.
[applause, cheers]
It's crazy.
But can I try?
Sure, if you want to.
Shitbird.
Just fucking bollocks!
Yeah, I think I would use it sparingly.
It feels kind of unclassy.
Yeah, you know what? You're right.
I agree, Michael.
That's a great note.
Thank you so much.
I think we have time for one more.
Oh, yes.
Graham Norton!
[applause, cheers]
So nice to see you.
I just wondered, did you know that this is usually my studio?
Yeah, I did hear that, Graham.
Thank you for loaning it to us.
Oh, would you mind if I came up
there and just showed you a fiddly thing about this place?
Oh, I would love it. Come on.
Graham Norton, everybody.
Come on up.
Yeah.
Great.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
Yeah, sure.
Now, Tina, I believe you've always had
a deep love of British comedy.
Are you interviewing me now?
Let me help you.
I have a gift for making American celebrities
likable to a British audience.
Wait, are we not likable?
Oh.
Hey, I hear you have a really funny
story about watching British television
as a-- as a young child.
Oh, well, yes.
Actually, growing up, we thought that anything
British was educational.
So my parents showed us all British shows.
And we used to watch "Benny Hill" as a family.
No.
As a young girl, you would watch "Benny Hill"?
Yeah.
It really messed me up sexually.
What about "Ab Fab"?
Oh, sweetie, darling, you're just
a little shopgirl, darling.
"Keeping up Appearances."
Richard!
Oh, And "Monty Python."
That is an ex-parrot.
"Fawlty Towers."
Nobody mention the war.
"Are You Being Served?"
My pussy is like an alarm clock.
"Reggie Perrin."
I didn't get where I am today by waffling.
Deep cut "Monty Python."
We lived in shoe box in middle of road.
"EastEnders."
I killed Ethel.
Oh, mwah!
And David-- David Brent.
There's been a rape up there!
Top trends.
Nothing beats a Jet2 holiday!
♪ Autoglass repair ♪
♪ Autoglass replace ♪
Oh!
That's it, Tina.
They're all yours now, Tina. All yours.
Thank you.
We've got a great show.
Wet Leg is here.
Stick around and watch this!
[applause, cheers]
[upbeat music]
When it comes to age-defying skincare,
I don't need a time machine.
I just need something that works.
So I can bring back the spark in me.
And in us.
And now I've found it.
The anti-aging cream that works so well, everyone
will think your husband--
is a nonce.
She's my wife.
She's a grown woman. - Shut your mouth!
You make me sick.
Introducing Undérage.
With active compounds and hyaluronic acid,
Undérage delivers special protection for your skin
and ensures your husband will need special protection
when he's in jail.
My wife's skin has never looked more youthful and fresh.
It's destroyed my life!
Thanks, Undérage.
My skin looks so fresh, my husband can't go anywhere
without being hunted by right-wing,
pedophile-catching militias.
[knocking, yelling]
We know you're in there!
Frank, someone's at the door.
Thanks, Undérage.
My husband is no longer allowed
within 200 feet of a school.
My husband lost his record deal and some,
but not all, of his fans.
He loves the way I look.
Yeah.
But, you know, not like that.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Little girl, do you know this man?
That's my wife.
You sick bastard.
He's married to an Undérage girl.
I'm married to an underage girl.
I don't know if I pronounced that right.
I don't know about that.
No, I didn't mean that.
No, it's the name of the thing.
Undérage.
I'm not underage.
Or am I?
She's not.
She's not!
Undérage by Pedolay.
[applause, cheers]
Hello.
I'm David Attenborough.
And it can't be long now.
As the only remaining national treasure not on that list,
I enjoy a place as one of 90% of the British public's
dream dinner party guests.
But I'm often asked who would be on mine.
Well, using DNA sampling and my own brother's "Jurassic Park"
technology, I have reanimated some of history's greatest
Britons for one night only so that I can ask them what
really makes Britain great.
This is David Attenborough's "Last Supper."
[applause, cheers]
I'd like to welcome my guests.
Prime Minister Winston Churchill.
Astronomer and mathematician Sir Isaac Newton.
Nurse Mary Seacole.
Diana, Princess of Wales.
Author Agatha Christie.
Poet Benjamin Zephaniah.
Freddie Mercury from Queen.
♪ - Ay-oh! ♪
Elizabeth I from being the Queen.
♪ - Ay-oh! ♪
Surprise, surprise, it's Cilla Black.
Ay-oh, Chuck!
Thanks so much for hosting this dinner party, Sir David.
You're very welcome, Princess Di.
Now, as this cloning technology only works for one hour.
I'll cut to the chase.
What do you think makes Britain great?
Before we commence, there is a mystery
I should like to solve.
Are we doing starters?
I'm getting a starter.
I'm bleeding starving.
Yes.
Order whatever you like.
Tonight is about thrilling conversation and the greatness
of Great Britain.
Yes, Winston Churchill?
Shall we get three starters for the table
and do picky bits?
♪ - Ay-oh! ♪
Freddie says he wants the croquettes.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
I'd have the croquettes, but I only want a little nibble.
Well, hang on, hang on.
By my calculations, there are three croquettes in one order
and 10 of us.
Therefore, if we order three portions,
one person will miss out.
The solution is simple.
We order four.
That means that three people will get two croquettes.
But who?
Another mystery.
Look, look, look, look, look.
Don't-- don't worry about the food.
The BBC have spared no expense bringing you back to life.
I'm sure they're happy to cover one dinner at the Ivy.
Now, as to the source of Britain's greatness.
Not to be that person, but I don't like croquettes.
I'd rather get the soup.
Hang about.
That's a lot of starter just for you.
[scatting]
Freddie is right.
We shouldn't all have to pay for your starter.
Well, no one's paying.
No one's paying.
It's-- It's covered, guys.
Tonight is about scintillating conversation
and learning from each other.
Yes?
Benjamin Zephaniah.
Do you think each curry comes with a free rice?
If it has an asterisk next to its name,
then it comes with free rice.
♪ People on the street ♪
You're right, Freddy, there are some people on the street,
but that doesn't answer the question about poppadoms.
Stop it!
Stop it now!
It doesn't matter what we have to eat.
Put that down!
Put it--
This experiment has been a complete waste
of time and money.
The answer I was looking for as to
what makes Britain truly great was the NHS and Center Parcs.
There you've ruined it.
Dinner over.
Now, we shall move on to the lovemaking
portion of the evening.
Anybody who wants to leave, now's your chance.
[easy listening music]
Head over to iPlayer now to see
the full uncut edition of David Attenborough's Last Supper.
[applause, cheers]
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
Heya, how you doing?
I'm Ed Boovies.
Welcome to Boovies goes to the Films, the show
about all things cinema.
And this is a very special day.
I'm pinching myself, to be honest.
We've got Ricky Hall and Lena Phillips in the house!
- What's happening? - Good to be here.
They're here to talk to us through their new film,
"Hot Streak."
And they are two icons of cinema!
I hope you don't mind me saying.
No, I don't mind at all.
Keep saying it.
[laughs]
Lena, I've been a fan since your first film, "Sunrise Eyes"
Wow, that's a deep cut.
Yeah.
Cult classic alert.
[laughs] And Ricky, "Crazy Goat," underrated movie.
- Thanks so much, man. - No, no.
Thank you.
I guess I'm trying to say, I love you and your work so much.
I hope that's not too creepy.
Oh, thank you.
Thanks so much, man, wow.
OK, so let's talk about "Hot Streak."
I watched this last night.
It fucking sucked.
Excuse me?
It sucked.
So bad, like all the way through.
What happened?
Um.
Lena, you first.
Yeah, well, we loved working on this movie.
Yeah, it was a dream to work with Vicky, our director.
But why did it suck so bad, like all the way through?
Well, I don't think it sucked.
It did.
Did it?
Yeah, all the way through.
Where's our PR?
No, no, he's gone to get me some fruit.
Look.
I could be wrong.
I don't think I am, but I could be.
Let's check out a clip.
You have to listen to me, you're our only hope.
[muffled audio]
Oh, boo!
This is sucking so bad.
Ricky, you're not even acting there.
I mean, you are acting, but it's so wrong and sour,
you know?
No, no, stop the tape, stop the tape.
It's just-- that sucks.
I just--
[easy listening music]
I just know if you tried, if everyone tried
and like gave you everything, we could have got there.
It didn't have to be good, you know.
I don't need good.
I just need it not to fucking suck,
like, all the way through.
Can everything stop sucking all the time?
Because it's making my life bad.
Is that too much to ask?
Please.
Sorry.
We're-- we're sorry.
That's OK.
Join us next time on "Boovies goes to the Films."
I'm Ed Boovies wishing you a decent day.
Awe, get in, legend, thanks.
[applause, cheers]
[tense music]
Get to work.
What a time to be alive, people.
My name is Turpin Turpin.
Yep.
Both my names are Turpin. Great job.
All right. Jan, how are we doing?
Good. - Yeah.
What do we do here?
We're all working together to make the internet as
bad as we can possibly get it.
It's a team effort.
I'm Jan.
I'm almost 19 and I'm the password manager.
Essentially, my job is just before you enter in a short,
memorable password of your own, I come up with a very long
and complicated one, hoping I'll remember
it and then I don't.
I'm the X-Man.
I do all the x's for online adverts.
We try and make them smaller than any human finger.
Even if you do notice it, what does an x even mean?
Sometimes it can mean close this window.
Sometimes it can mean open four more windows.
It can be either.
I think most people think it's the first one.
Most people voted for Hitler.
Sorry.
I'm online a lot.
I don't know what's real.
The thing is, is there are websites that no one would
ever intentionally visit.
You know, no one actually wants to enter the r house draw.
No one is really owed money just for being
born between 1995 and 1997.
And no one intentionally clicks on "Family Guy"
porn, except me.
But that's only because of how much I like to look at it.
Good, people.
This is good.
Whoa!
My speciality?
I'm the guy who moves things at the last second
so that people click on the wrong stuff online.
[suspenseful music]
OK, she's about to click stand by.
Standing by.
♪ ♪
She's hovering.
Sh-- she's hovering.
And budge it.
Buy something!
Annoying.
Yes!
[cheering]
That's five seconds she won't get back.
Sir, we got her.
Oh, this is beautiful.
Do you get paid?
No, no no, no.
But let me ask you this.
Let me ask you this.
Do you get paid for your job?
Yeah.
Interesting.
[applause, cheers]
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[applause, cheers]
Gosh, 10 hours of labor.
Doesn't look like this little man's in a rush.
Why is it taking so long?
Don't worry, he's just a bit-- he's just a bit shy.
Aw.
Aw look it, he's just sort of hiding.
Bless him.
There's not wrong with being shy, is there?
Oh, not wrong at all.
I think I prefer a shy one, to be honest.
Out of my way.
I'm Dr. Amanda Miller.
I graduated Harvard summa cum laude.
My kids are very mean to me, but I don't have time
to get into that right now.
Wait, why is the obstetrician here?
He's just a bit shy, isn't he?
I wish that was the case.
I'm so sorry, Mrs. Cook, but your baby is not shy.
He's something much more sinister.
He's pretending to be shy for attention.
And we need to act fast before it metastasizes.
This all seems a bit dramatic.
Well, unless you want your son
to be an adult man who is addicted to canceling plans,
let me do my goddamn job.
Well, wait.
Hang on.
What-- what if he's shy around strangers,
but he lets his guard down around people he trusts?
Like an introverted extrovert?
Yeah, those are essentially a myth.
Most people who make a big deal out of being shy
are, medically speaking, fake ass divas.
No son of mine's going to be a fake ass diva!
I mean, look, I'm no doctor.
I'm just a stupid rocket scientist,
but I think he's genuinely shy.
OK, but like, now he's dancing.
I'm just like, why-- why would a genuinely shy person do that?
Wait, he's-- he's quite good.
My God, he is quite good!
He's not amazing, but he's quite good.
He's got spirit.
You can tell he's actually enjoying himself.
Hey, ho.
Mr. and Mrs. Cook, this is serious.
An authentically shy person would not
pop their puss in this manner.
Oh, Harry, maybe she's right.
What if our son is giving cringe?
Only claiming to be socially awkward when it suits him--
slash them.
Sitting in the corner at parties because he gets
overwhelmed, but then he's the loudest
and most abrasive person there by quite some distance.
The type of bitch to give a presentation at work
can make the whole thing about how nervous
he is, even though it's like, girl,
you volunteered to do this.
Oh, no.
Now he's holding his hands out to show that they're shaking,
but it's obvious it's him that's making it happen.
[sobs]
Doctor, do something!
Grab a leg.
Honey, are you the diamond in my wedding ring?
Because you are fake as hell and we
can see right through you, OK?
OK, well, he's dancing again.
Oh, God.
Doctor, please, we just want him
out of there safe and sound.
Fine.
I promised myself I would never do this.
Hey, sweetie?
How are you feeling?
So, a bunch of us are thinking of doing karaoke.
Oh, stop.
Don't leave without me!
[laughs]
But I'm literally just going to watch.
[screams]
He's coming.
Congratulations!
He's a nightmare!
♪ Hey, ho ♪
Ladies and gentlemen, Wet Leg.
[cheers and applause]
♪ Nice try, get out the way ♪
♪ You're in our way ♪
♪ You bottom feeder ♪
♪ Too bad you couldn't stay ♪
♪ You're in our way ♪
♪ Get lost forever ♪
♪ You think I'm pretty ♪
♪ You think I'm pretty cool ♪
♪ You want to fuck me ♪
♪ I know most people do ♪
♪ Here, take this packet, ♪
♪ You read it, it says, "Mangetout" ♪
♪ I gave you magic beans ♪
♪ I hope you're gonna get out soon ♪
♪ Oh, man, I hope you're gonna get out soon ♪
♪ I really hope you're gonna get out soon ♪
♪ Oh, man, I really hope you're gonna get out soon ♪
♪ Good job, give you an A ♪
♪ A gold star, you think you're clever ♪
♪ Good God, she took a break ♪
♪ Made a mistake, when she met Trevor ♪
♪ Get lost forever ♪
♪ You think I'm pretty ♪
♪ You think I'm pretty cool ♪
♪ You want to fuck me ♪
♪ I know most people do ♪
♪ Here, take this packet ♪
♪ You read it, it says, "Mangetout" ♪
♪ I gave you magic beans ♪
♪ I hope you're gonna get out soon ♪
♪ I really hope you're gonna get out soon ♪
♪ Oh, man, I hope you're gonna get out soon ♪
♪ I really hope you're gonna get out soon ♪
♪ I know you're up at night ♪
♪ Hunched over your phone like ♪
♪ A tree atop a hill ♪
♪ That's crooked from the wind that bites ♪
♪ You say you're lost at sea ♪
♪ Call the RNLI ♪
♪ You're washed up, irrelevant, ♪
♪ And standing in my light ♪
♪ You're standing in my light ♪
♪ ♪
♪ You think I'm pretty ♪
♪ And you think I'm pretty cool ♪
♪ You say I scare ya ♪
♪ I know most people do ♪
♪ This is the real world, honey, bienvenue ♪
♪ In spite of everything ♪
♪ I guess there's just no getting through ♪
♪ Nice try, get out of the way ♪
♪ Good job, just take a fucking hint ♪
♪ I said I'll see ya, ♪
♪ Wouldn't wanna be ya, ♪
♪ Be ya, eh-ya eh-ya, ah-ah ♪
♪ Nice try, get out the way ♪
♪ You're in our way ♪
♪ Get lost forever ♪
[applause, cheers]
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
It's Weekend Update with Ania Magliano and Paddy Young.
Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update.
I'm Paddy Young.
And I'm Ania Magliano.
Coming up on tonight's Weekend Update, pedophilia.
But first, war.
Yesterday, in a shock U-turn, Keir Starmer finally
gave his consent for President Trump
to use British bases to protect the Strait of Hormuz, at which
point Trump said, "Consent?
Now you've taken all the fun out of it."
As Iranian strikes continue to hit Dubai,
the cost of chartering a private jet
has risen so high that many influencers
have been struggling to flee.
I must stress, though, it's not all good news.
If any influencers are killed-- and again,
we can only hope they are--
at least they'll be easy to identify
by their dental records.
Say, the massive white ones made in Turkey.
You got to feel for them.
They went there to evade income tax
and now they have to evade incoming attacks.
We're now three weeks into the Iran war,
which started with the death of one
Ayatollah Khomeini and the appointment
of another Ayatollah Khomeini.
Khomeini II, but one's dead now.
OK.
Not everyone in NATO wants to get involved.
German Defense Minister Boris Pistorius
said there would be no military participation from Germany.
Where was this energy in 1939?
Also, is there a more evil name than Boris Pistorius?
How do you do?
The name's Saddam Walliams.
The head of the Asian Football Confederation said
this week that Iran is still set to play at the upcoming
World Cup in America if Iran does take part,
America has guaranteed that all of their matches
will be refereed by a completely
impartial MQ-9 Reaper drone.
We all know the supply of oil has been affected by this war,
but the Strait of Hormuz is also
the primary route for a third of the world's helium.
A spokesperson for the helium industry said--
We've run out of helium.
With pressure mounting to secure the Strait of Hormuz and
the Royal Navy almost completely out of action,
the government have decided to send
in the only British Naval captain who's ready to go.
Please welcome Captain Birdseye.
[applause]
Yar!
Evening, me hearties.
Now, captain, I think the question
a lot of people at home are asking
is, why is the government sending a fish finger
man to a red hot war zone?
Fish finger man?
I am the purveyor of the finest fish fingers in the land.
Succulent cod fillets in a perfectly crispy golden crumb.
Only the best for the captain's table.
Fish finger?
Captain Birdseye, can I remind you,
this is a military operation.
Exactly.
Preparation, timing, control.
Six minutes one side, turn, six minutes the other.
Now that's what I call a proper fish finger.
Fish finger?
You're about to be deployed to Iran.
Can you stop banging on about fish fingers?
Fine, we also do chicken dippers,
potato waffles, and for some reason, the devil only
knows, peas.
Captain, there are real lives at stake here.
Oh, you want to get real, do you,
you scurvy little deck rat?
All right, answer me this.
You think I spent the last five decades sailing around
in 150-foot schooner with 300 singing children just
to sell fish fingers, do ye?
I'm sorry, did you say 300 singing children?
Cause I'll tell you what's real,
you bilge drinking haddock.
What's real is the nation's favorite fish fingers
are just a cover for my actual work.
Special Forces Black Ops savagery that
would haunt your dreams.
What's real is opening up a Serbian mercenary's neck
with a machete.
Watching it yawn open, hot and steaming,
like a split fish finger.
This is insane.
Insane?
I'll show you insane!
Are those human fingers?
Only the best for the captain's table!
Captain Birdseye, everyone.
Never meet your heroes!
[applause]
Renovations to Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor's new home,
Marsh Farm, have been taking place over the last month,
including the installation of Sky TV.
So if you're watching, Andrew, hello.
You're not going to like this next bit.
Also, I'm older than I look.
Andrew's new residence, Marsh Farm
is, of course, named after the nearby marsh
where his body will be found.
It was reported this week that the police investigation
into Andrew is set to widen.
The big question now is, if Andrew
is charged, found guilty, and put in prison,
will he be able to keep his mouth shut?
I hope not, said his cellmate's penis.
Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch told Times Radio that
she would confront a shoplifter if they were,
quote, "not too big."
So rest assured, if you shoplift and
Kemi does try to stop you, it means she thinks you're skinny.
In showbiz news, feuding father and son David and
Brooklyn Beckham narrowly miss each other whilst
at the same Beverly Hills Hotel.
The feud began when Victoria was, quote,
"inappropriately close with her son at his wedding"
and escalated after Brooklyn accidentally
yelled out his wife's name during sex with his mom.
The award-winning TV series "It's a Sin"
is set to be adapted for the stage as a dance show.
As if a TV show about the AIDS crisis could get any gayer.
Tonight, the K-pop band BTS are launching
their new world tour.
My worry is, with 82 dates across 23 countries,
the stress of the tour is going to put a strain on Jimin
and V's soulmate relationship.
Sure, J-hope nurtures Suga's inner child,
but will Jimin's teasing of Suga make V jealous?
And can RM give enough skinship to Baby Jungkook
while melting at J-hope's laugh?
Will his dimples still be popping at Jimin's cuteness
after an 82 date tour?
No idea.
I'm not really that into BTS.
For Weekend Update, I'm Ania Magliano.
And I'm Paddy Young.
Good night!
[applause, cheers]
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[soft music]
Please be safe in London, Will.
Nay, worry not, wife.
I will be nothing but safe.
For all I will think of is returning to thee
and our boy Hamnet.
What about our daughters?
I must away.
My production of "The Tempest," begins anon.
Adieu!
[soft music]
♪ ♪
"Tempest" was a hit.
Methinks I might write another of these plays.
Will, thou art returned!
Did I not tell thee I would?
But hast thou nothing to say?
I have sorely missed thee.
Likewise, my dear wife, likewise.
But dost thou not think I appear changed?
Tis hard to fix my eyes on anything
for the blood that doth course in mine veins
on the sweet return of thee to me.
Mm, ye, really look at me, though.
What vexes thee?
I got a cunty little earring.
Ah, so it is.
The hour is upon me.
I must to London!
My staging of "Macbeth" awaiteth.
Well, Will, I will wait upon thy return.
[soft music]
♪ ♪
William, thou art returned.
Good day, wife.
Good day, Hamnet.
Will, how London hath changed thee.
Come, wife, let me sit and put my feet up.
What art thou wearing?
Oh, dislike it?
'Tis me slutty little chain.
'Tis all the rage in London.
I must, to London.
My next staging awaits--
"Henry IV part two."
Henry V!
[laughter]
Let not London change thee too much.
[soft music]
♪ ♪
[birds chirping]
[digital chirping]
Well, thy father have returneth.
Hause!
Whew.
Hey, family!
Will, mine eyes do not recognize thee.
Girl, 'tis me, bitch!
Will, thou art a different man.
Peace, wife.
I be Shakespeare.
The remix be Troye Sivan.
[laughs]
Tis not thee, Will.
'Tis so, bitch.
Thou art in Stratford-upon-Avon.
And I've been in London upon ketamine.
I'm like Charli XCX-- sorry, Charlie 10, 100, 10.
[strongly inhales] I'm in my glow era-- in my glow--
I'm in my glow-up era, honey.
What's an era?
We are in one, bitch.
Mine!
My wife, I bring gifts.
This is called a tote bag.
I want that not.
Wig, my girl.
Thoust look cunty, for sure.
What does this c-word mean?
Hmm.
Methinks I can explain.
It's not a bad word.
It's a good thing, a great thing.
It's bleached brows.
[laughs] It's the cast of "Desperate Housewives."
It's cabin crew, bald head on a woman,
the Elizabeth line, a thin woman
eating a big plate of meat.
It is as though riddles play upon thy tongue.
Thou art just gagged.
[laughter]
[gasps] Hamnet take the powder within your coin purse!
[thud]
[gasping]
[guttural screaming]
He'll be fine. 'Tis but a K-hole.
And you know what hitteth hard in the hole?
Rihanna, bitch.
[rihanna, "we found love"]
♪ We found love in a hopeless place ♪
♪ We found love in a hopeless ♪
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[lighthearted music]
You've seen the film.
You've heard the musical.
Now experience the experience, The Live
Paddington Bear Experience.
This is so exciting.
We can't believe we're actually going to meet Paddington,
aren't we?
We brought marmalade sandwiches!
It's Clara's hen do.
And we got banned from Magic Mike
because Liz kept groping Magic Mike.
[laughs] Watch out, Paddington.
[laughs]
I can't wait to meet that little bear.
[lighthearted orchestra music]
Welcome to 32 Windsor Garden.
At London's most immersive experience,
get closer to Paddington than ever before.
Now, who here would like to meet a very rare sort of bear?
ALL: Yay!
Janet!
Open the cage!
A place where memories last forever.
[meta l bangs]
[suspenseful music]
Paddington?
[screaming]
All right!
Oh, why!
[roaring]
[screaming]
[items crashing]
Ah!
Fine!
Take the sandwich.
Take the sandwich!
Why did we hire a real bear?
Well, I know we wanted to hire the little actress
from the musical, but she wanted too much money.
And I had seen the bear in something.
He was amazing.
What was it?
[screaming]
[roaring]
[screaming]
The zoo, I had seen him at the zoo.
[whimsical music]
That was amazing.
Yeah, well, I've lost half my face.
But I have made some memories.
[laughs]
None of that happened in the films.
That was a lot more blood than I thought there'd be.
And at Paddington's photo booth,
we'll be sure to capture all of the magic.
Well, I was actually on a terrible date,
but let's just say I didn't need to ask for Angela.
I asked for Paddington.
[screaming]
"The Guardian" calls it "truly unforgettable."
They said he likes marmalade.
He doesn't like marmalade.
He likes human hands.
Marcus?
I've always thought that three kids was a bit too many.
And now I've got the optimum amount.
None.
"The Stage" says, "Inarguably immersive."
Do I have any regrets?
Well, you know, in retrospect, maybe hot glue
gunning the hat to the bear's head
may have made it more angry.
[screaming]
I'm taking it to Broadway, regardless.
The Live Paddington Bear Experience, book before June 25
and get a free tetanus jab.
Found a foot.
Has anyone lost a foot?
No?
[metal vibrating]
[applause]
Once again, Wet Leg.
[applause]
[wet leg, "catch these fists"]
♪ ♪
♪ Can you catch a medicine ball? ♪
♪ Can you catch yourself when you fall? ♪
♪ You should be careful ♪
♪ Do you catch my drift? ♪
♪ 'Cause what I really want to know is ♪
♪ Can you catch these fists ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah, ♪
♪ Man down ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Level up! ♪
♪ I know all too well ♪
♪ Just what you're like ♪
♪ I don't want your love ♪
♪ I just wanna fight ♪
♪ ♪
♪ We're on our way to the club ♪
♪ Stupid is as stupid does ♪
♪ Limousine, racking up ♪
♪ Ketamine, giddy up ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ♪
♪ Man down ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Level up! ♪
♪ I know all too well ♪
♪ Just what you're like ♪
♪ I don't want your love ♪
♪ I just wanna fight ♪
♪ ♪
♪ He don't get puss ♪
♪ He get the boot ♪
♪ I saw him sippin' on dark fruit ♪
♪ This always happens late at night ♪
♪ Some guy comes up, ♪
♪ Says I'm his type ♪
♪ I just threw up in my mouth ♪
♪ When he just tried to ask me out ♪
♪ Don't approach me ♪
♪ I just want to dance with my friends ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Man down ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Level up! ♪
♪ I know all too well ♪
♪ Just what you're like ♪
♪ I don't want your love ♪
♪ I just wanna fight ♪
♪ I know all too well ♪
♪ Just what you're like ♪
♪ I don't want your love ♪
♪ I just wanna fight! ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Man down ♪
[applause, cheers]
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
Four things, thank you.
Ugh, Jane, look at you, divorced, haggy, alone.
What a sad little life, Jane.
Fancy a bra fitting?
Uh, sure, yeah.
I've actually lost a ton of weight--
Oh, good for you.
due to immense stress.
I have a bad life.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Well, I'm just going to do round your top.
OK?
So here we go.
We've got the middle.
That's 38 inches.
So, yeah, that's quite wide.
And cup size, that's a B, so it's small.
You're not happy with that?
Oh, no.
38B, that's not exactly a sexy bra size.
It feels, kind of, schlubby.
Oh.
Would you like me to zhuzh?
Huh?
Zhuzh it up a bit for the surrounds.
What does that mean.
A zhuzh for the surrounds.
Right, OK.
So I come back in, and I zhuzh, right?
I very loudly make a point of how big your bra size is.
Theys out there don't know what you really measured as.
Wink, wink. [laughs]
Is that a British thing?
It is a thing.
Do you want give it a go?
It is a free service.
Sure.
Won't be long, ladies.
I'm just doing a fitting.
Oh, my goodness!
Wow!
These are going to measure up nicely!
So we're going to start with the width.
Very petite, but your cup size is--
Big?
Big cup size, right?
Oh, crikey, yeah, they've got a real weight
to them Oh, fantastic!
In fact, I'm surprised--
You don't topple over.
With a great--
BOTH: With a great big rack like that!
Love it.
Oh!
Oh, you nearly poked my eye out!
Hey, you've heard of Pinocchio?
Well, you're like that, but the nose is big, lovely bazombas.
That OK? - Yeah.
That's good.
[laughs]
So I'm happy to tell you-- what
size would you like, darling?
Big, but keep it classy.
Like, double D is good.
Oh, no, we're going bigger than that.
You're a gorgeous, petite, and perky 28G!
What an absolute pair.
Now, how's that feel?
I feel amazing.
Thank you so much, Miss?
Jugs, they call me Jugs.
All right.
[exhales] Here we go.
Put these back on the rack, Jackie.
They were so far too small for this customers
great big bozzies.
Lovely tits you got there, Miss.
Jugs, wait.
Is there anything else that you could zhuzh for me,
like, for the surrounds?
'Cause my 2026 was, kind of, rough.
Like, basically, I was responsible for editing
this British film award ceremony and--
Let's just say I did not get it right.
It's a zhuzh for the surrounds, darling,
not for the soul.
But you'll be all right with those
great big, wicked knockers.
Excuse me.
[applause]
Regé-Jean Page, what are you doing
in the women's changing rooms?
Oh, it's a long and sexy story.
Listen, I don't usually do this,
but can I buy you a drink on the fifth floor,
next to the baby clothes and electricals?
Sure, I could do that.
Thanks for changing my life.
Tiny, little tits.
They were small.
Those tits were small.
[applause, cheers]
45 seconds with Fouracres.
[lighthearted music]
♪ What kind of Irish is your granddad? ♪
♪ What kind of Irish is your gramps? ♪
♪ Is he this? ♪
I'm Anthony.
Which one of you little gobs threw a heap of fruits
at my window?
You better tell me. 'Cause I know your dad!
And I know your dad!
♪ What kind of Irish is your granddad? ♪
♪ Is he this? ♪
Now that's a picture of me back in '82, on the 12th
of the King William Lodge.
And there's another one, the Blue Lancers and a--
♪ What kind of Irish is your granddad? ♪
♪ Is he this? ♪
I'll bring it around the back, hey.
Put on new shoes, and don't worry about it.
Hey, [mumbling] any man's back.
♪ What kind of Irish is your granddad? ♪
♪ Is he this? ♪
♪ Tá Gráinne Mhaol ag teacht thar sáile, ♪
♪ Óglaigh armtha léi mar gharda ♪
♪ Gaeil iad féin is ní Gaill ná Spánnigh ♪
♪ Is cuirfidh siad ruaig ar Ghallaibh ♪
♪ Óró 'Sé do bheatha 'bhaile, ♪
♪ Óró 'Sé do bheatha 'bhaile ♪
♪ Óró 'Sé do bheatha 'bhaile, ♪
♪ Anois ar theacht an tsamhraidh! ♪
Wow!
Nicola Coughlan from the "Dairy Girls."
No, it's "Derry Girls."
It doesn't matter, Nicola Coughlan.
None of this is real.
Good night.
God bless.
Love you.
[laughs]
45 seconds with Fouracres.
[lighthearted music]
My biggest thanks to Wet Leg, Nicola Coughlan, Michael Cera,
Graham Norton, Regé-Jean Page and a huge
thank you to the cast, and the writers,
and everyone for welcoming me here and
making it such a great week.
Congratulations.
SNL UK is born!
[energetic music, applause]
♪ ♪
[audio logo]