- WOMAN: - How are we late every single day? How is it possible?
- ♪ Christmas-time... ♪ - Why do we always do this?!
- ♪ Mistletoe and wine... ♪ - I'm coming, I'm coming!
Oi! No TikTok before school, please.
- No, no, no, no. - No, I'm not. - TOASTER DINGS
Come on - wees and teeth.
- You've got two minutes. - MOANS: - Ready!
Give it a rest, Cliff.
GRIME MUSIC PLAYS
♪ Big lifestyles that they couldn't keep up
♪ Lot of fakes and flaws That they gonna see now... ♪
Why is your toothbrush in the sock drawer?
I don't know.
So much to do.
Deffo not Christmas drinks at Becky's.
Arslan, don't forget Christmas drinks at Becky's!
Mm-hm.
Put your phones down and get downstairs.
Yes-uh!
- ♪ I don't wanna drink - No
- ♪ I don't wanna build - No
- ♪ No, I don't wanna meet up - Not at all... ♪
Come on, come. Quick, quick, quick, cos we're late.
- GROANS: - God!
Hannah, could you come here a minute?
Nearly there, last day of term. That's it.
- What? - Hiya. - Hi.
Oh, that's nice Christmassy music.
- Have you put more decorations up? - Well...
Wasting my money here.
Our money.
Can you tell me something?
What does this have to do with the miraculous birth?
Oh, don't start. Are we doing that again?
Really? Either you hate Christmas cos you don't celebrate it,
or you hate it cos you're a tightarse. Which one is it?
This is not about hate, OK?
I just have reason to believe that this time period here
was not Jesus's - peace be upon him - real birthday,
is all I'm saying.
Who told you that?
That Orthodox priest I made friends with on Instagram.
Dad, you shouldn't be making friends with strangers on the internet.
Especially priests. All right. Antlers, please, my loves.
- BOTH: - Mm-mm. - What if I bribe you?
I'm going to need specifics.
You can wax your dad's earholes again.
- No, you're not doing that. - Deal.
Thank you very much.
MUSIC: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year by Andy Williams
- SOFTLY: - Stop it. Oh!
It's too cute. It's killing me.
Right, come on, get these out of my hairdo, now.
Ah, you do look cute though, you know.
Say salaam to Mum.
- BOTH: - Salaam, Mum.
Salaam, my darlings.
Have you had breakfast?
♪ It's the most wonderful time... ♪
- Dad, I need some new school shoes. - ♪ Of the year... ♪
Safe.
Well, I still buy my underwears on eBay,
so you're going to have to wait. DOOR SHUTS
♪ There'll be much mistletoe-ing And hearts will be glow... ♪
MUSIC STOPS
- What do you think? - Aw, Mum! - You like it?
The tree looks lovely!
SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYS
That's it, stand there. Say, "Merry Christmas!"
- ALL: - Merry Christmas!
Hurry up, Dad!
KNOCKING ON DOOR
- Geez! Let me poo in peace! - Why are you taking so long?
I can't even poo in peace in my own house.
GIGGLING
MUSIC: Merry Christmas by D Double E
- ♪ Merry, merry, merry - Christmas
- ♪ Merry, merry, merry - Christmas. ♪
Freestyle Friday, you man, let's go!
What do you want to hear from my guy?
LIGHT CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yeah?
You see how I do.
Ay! Ay, ay. Do one about the CEO.
Ah, you want one about the boss?
- Hawtrey? - Hawtrey.
- Blimmin' Hawtrey. - Blimmin' Hawtrey. - Hawtrey?
- Hawtrey. - Here we go. Let's zone. Ah.
Here we go. Uh.
The CEO is called Haw-to-the-trey.
Mm.
- Man better not come round here and mess with me. - Mm!
I'll give him uppercuts like one, two, three.
Mm, mm, mm.
Come on, I'm floating like a butterfly, stinging like a...
Caterpillar.
- Er... - It's bee.
- Caterpillars don't float, do they, Sharon? - No. - But I liked it.
I still liked it. It was better.
It was better.
- Come on. - So good. - Come on.
PHONE RINGING KEYBOARD CLACKING
- Bro? - Yeah, bro? - I'm telling you... - Mm-hm?
..I turned 200 quid into a grand in six days
with that new Chinese crypto.
- Can you? - Yep.
- So, tell me... - Mm-hm?
..why you're still living at home with your nan, then?
Because she's got a brand-new 88-inch plasma, right?
And when we watch The Chase,
we can see Bradley Walsh's individual nose hairs.
88-inch plasma, yeah?
- Yeah, man. - OK.
- Er, Darren? - Yeah.
Says here that "Plasma TVs ceased to be sold in the UK in 2014."
You lying.
You got to stop this lying.
HR already spoke to you about this.
Stop lying in my office.
I'm not lying about the crypto,
and I might've exaggerated about the TV.
I'm going to go make a cup of tea and take five.
Yeah? Make one for your nan as well.
You're lucky I like you.
MESSAGES CHIME
- Bonuses are in. - Whoo! - Yes!
EXCITED CHATTER
950!
Come on, what did you get?
870. Why'd you get more?
Patrick, what did you get?
I got 960. Pretty happy with that.
KERCHING!
Hey, yo...
HE CHUCKLES
Arslan, Christmas bonuses are in.
- Arslan! - What is it?! Why you asking me questions?
- What did you get? - Huh? Mon... money!
Do me a favour, bro.
Just watch my desk for a minute. I need to go for a meeting.
- Yeah. - Jay?
Jamie! COPIER BEEPS, HUMS
At least your photocopied your hand this time.
Get in the office!
- Jay. - Yeah?
They've give me an £8,000 bonus.
AMAZED CHUCKLE
- Whoa! - Yes!
Eight bags?!
- Why you so loud? - Are you kidding me?
Oh, my days, blood.
Mashallah!
We need to celebrate.
We could go mental!
PAPER RUSTLES
I probably shouldn't be spending the money like this.
We can do anything we like.
We can travel to Mexico, go to Darfur.
We can go glamping -
in Dartford.
Spend quality time together, bro.
You're right. Me, you, your sister, the kids.
- No, forget the kids! Forget them. - Sorry? My kids?
- Just me and you. - Me and you?! - Me and you, brother!
It's just us two. You get me?
- We could go Kazakhstan. We could go Uzbekistan. - Any of the Stans.
- Mongolia. - That's not a Stan.
- I don't care. - It's a Olia.
- WHISPERS: - There's only one Olia.
Let me think about it, yeah?
- Yeah? - SOFTLY: - Live, laugh, love.
- Quiet. - Yes, let's be quiet.
Glamping in Darfur.
I'm so proud of you.
- Are you? - I'm so proud of you!
- I'm proud of me, too. - I'm so proud of...
- I'm proud of me. - I'm proud of you, man.
I'm so proud of you.
- My boy. - Hey... - It's my boy.
Hey, let's get a takeaway tonight to celebrate.
- Jamie, go home. - Yeah, that sounds good.
I might get something from the fridge.
Poor lad.
Still eating his feelings, eh?
- After your mum died. - Yeah, thanks.
- Anyway, here's what we're going to do with the money, OK? - Yeah?
- We're going to pay off some debts... - Yeah.
..and we're going to save some for a rainy day, how about that?
- What? - Man's talking sense.
- Oh, yeah. - Like, always.
There's never not a time.
Um... Why you always got salt and vinegar?
What's up with that?
Why don't we go on holiday?
- You're taking the mick. - Abroad!
Like a proper holiday.
Not camping.
Can't afford abroad, Han.
- We can! - No, we can't!
I mean this with love.
It's not going to be with love, but go on.
- Don't you think that this... - What?
..relationship could do with a kick up the arse?
I don't know why you keep saying that.
You say that every few weeks, you know?
This don't need no kick up no arses, yeah?
Me and you, we got chemistry.
- Put it there, pal! - Really, is this it?
Good lad. D'you feel that?
Yeah. Yeah. No, you're right.
I-I do feel that, every time I see you at the fridge
drinking milk straight from the bottle.
- I don't drink straight from the bottle. - Yeah, you do.
I sky it, I don't lips the bottle.
I told the girls not to lips the bottle either.
Wow, lovely. That's nice, isn't it?
- Look at us! - What?
Is this where we are?
Arguing about milk? Where's the joy?
Where... Where is this actually...?
What?
- SOFTLY: - We should go to Lapland.
- We are not... What? - We should go...
- We should go to Lapland! - No.
- That's exactly what we should do. - We should not exactly do that.
Cos Mum always wanted to take the kids there,
but she never made it.
I know she never made it, because she died.
But we could go and make more memories with the kids.
That'd be so nice!
Cos at the moment,
their main childhood memory is that you shit yourself in Nando's.
Never shit myself in Nando's.
I shit myself outside Nando's.
And I always regretted not making more memories with Mum,
and now she's... you know.
- Thanks. - Yeah.
Look, Becky took her lot last year,
and she said the puddings were massive.
I see what you're doing here, you're a very smart lady,
- but I can't do it, Han. - Yeah, boy!
I can't do it.
Fine. You're absolutely right,
we'll just stay here and do what we normally do, yeah?
Nativity, choir,
stupid jumpers.
We'll go over to Auntie Janet's for a mince pie.
- I like Auntie Janet! - I know you love Auntie Janet.
- I like her. - Yeah. - Yeah.
Sit down and watch GB News with Uncle Colin.
MUSIC: Christmas In Hollis by Run-DMC
♪ It was December 24th on Hollis Ave after dark
♪ When I seen a man chilling with his dog in the park
♪ I approached him very slowly with my heart full of fear
♪ Looked at his dog
♪ Oh, my God, an ill reindeer! ♪
BELLS JINGLING
It's a reindeer! It's a real reindeer!
What you looking at?
They ain't never seen a brown brother in Lapland.
Whoa! Who threw that?
GIGGLING
Oh, it's my children.
We could take a reindeer ride to the northern lights.
You know what I'd rather do?
I'd rather watch The Chase with Darren and his nan
on their 88-inch plasma.
Come on, Scrooge McDuck.
Look where we are!
We're in the home of Christmas.
Why is it so cold?
Come on, let's check in.
These are too heavy, man.
We should've gone Mongolia.
It's the only Olia, man.
♪ You better watch out
♪ You better not cry
♪ You better not pout, I'm telling you why
- ♪ Santa Claus is coming to town... ♪ - Pain is temporary, yeah?
Class is permanent, yeah?
No... No! This is bullying!
♪ To town... ♪
- Yay! - Yay!
♪ He's making a list, he's checking it twice... ♪
Baby girl, he stinks, doesn't he?
No, so cute!
REINDEER SNORTS
♪ Santa Claus is coming to town
- ♪ Santa Claus is coming to town... ♪ - THEY CHEER
Go slowly, slowly. Slowly, baby. Go slowly, baby. Go... slowly, baby!
THEY CHUCKLE
All right, man.
- ♪ Santa Claus is coming to town. ♪ - You having fun? - Yeah. - Oh, OK.
- Bye! Bye-bye! - He... I bet he's warm!
Watch me fly. Whoo!
Ha-ha, ha-ha!
When was the last time us two went out for dinner?
Er...
Oh, we had that muffin at the big Asda in 2014.
Hey?
Anyway, don't go getting any ideas, yeah?
Ordering starters and that. They're expensive.
Oh, you're such a flirt.
HE SIGHS
Man, look at this place.
Bloody whiter than a front row at a Taylor Swift gig!
You love Swifty.
I do a bit, yeah. I do.
Look, can you stop moaning for five minutes?
It's supposed to be a proper treat.
Han, it's the food.
What?
It's going to be bland.
- What do you mean by that? - You know what I mean by that.
Spit it out.
Because white people can't cook! SHE GASPS
- Racist! - I said what I said.
Wow.
CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS
SHE LAUGHS
But, hang on, so why did Jamie give your boss a lap dance?
Because he's an idiot, OK?
So we're there at the Christmas party.
Hawtrey, the boss, he's eating mince pies, all right?
He drops the crumbs on his lap,
Hawtrey's innocently just wiping the crumbs away like this, yeah?
Your brother thinks this means, "Give me a lap dance."
He comes running from the other side of the room,
he jumps on Hawtrey, starts brooking his back off... "Aw!"
..to Cliff Richard songs.
Why did no-one stop him?
Cos it was funny. And we was recording it, so...
- You see? - Mm?
We don't laugh like this at the big Asda, do we?
We don't.
And I'm sorry.
Aw.
But right now, I'm hungry and I want to eat.
- I'm hungry. - Wagyu burgers.
You want to eat a wagyu burger?
Wagyu burgers? They're not cheap.
Who are you? What have you done with my husband?
Can we have an affair?
Let's have one, yeah.
Er, bro?
Bro?
Watch this.
Excuse me, sir!
- Waiters... - Tell me, sir,
have you been naughty or nice this year?
WAITER CHUCKLES
You mean, like, sexually, or what?
What kind of question is that at the dinner table?
It's a Christmas thing we need to say to our customers.
- Oh. - Have you been naughty or nice?
Naughty probably, innit, mostly?
He's naughty. He's a very naughty boy.
You lot taking Christmas serious round here.
I feel like I'm getting radicalised!
He-He doesn't really do Christmas.
Oh! Oh, I... I see.
Apologies.
It's all good, it's all good.
Have you hung up your stocking?
SHE CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY
Two wagyu burgers, please.
Oh. Thank you.
- Thank you. - Thank you, my guy. - Thank you.
- Thank you, bruv. - Thank you. - Yeah, yeah. All right, safe.
Oh, bless him.
- Listen, after we finish up dinner here, yeah? - Yeah?
I've got a little idea.
- Me and you... - Yeah?
Well, the idea might get us on the naughty list.
Ooh!
WIND WHISTLES
Go! Whoo!
No! No pushy. No pushy!
HE YELLS
I don't like it!
Ahhhh!
Go, go, go!
Whoo!
Hoo-hoo-hoo!
WHOOPING ECHOES
Argh! Gonna throw my back out for a stupid flipping ice slide!
Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha!
I hate this holiday.
SHE LAUGHS
I love this holiday!
♪ Little donkey, little donkey... ♪
You're a big donkey.
Why are you so heavy for a skinny lady?
- Straight to the glue factory! - HE GROANS
THEY SIGH
HE SNORES
Biscuit coma?
We tried to stop him.
- But, in the end, he paid us a quid a biscuit. - Did he?
HE SNORES
Fair enough.
My little entrepreneurs. I love that.
- We made those. - We did.
Dad, I want to know if Cov won, and the WiFi's down.
Well, don't you worry about it,
cos your dad is going to buy you some data roaming.
Oh, I'm spending the bread, baby.
Man like Dad making use of the data roaming!
Well, it's... For you? Anything, baby.
And guess what?
Sky Blues have just won 4-1.
Yes!
I feel like a dad in one of those Christmas adverts.
There's not many brown dads in the adverts,
but if there was, I'd feel like him. PHONE CHIMES
- Oh. - What you on your phone for? - CHIMING CONTINUES
Just getting bare messages from work, so...
Yeah, well, there's bare fireworks outside, so... Come on!
You'll need these hats and these gloves, babes.
- OK, girls. - It's cold out there. - HE SNORES
Love you. Enjoy the data roaming.
All right. Love you, girls.
You've got your gloves? You've got your hats?
It's going to be freezing out there.
MUSIC: Carol Of The Bells by Mykola Leontovych
HEARTBEAT THUDS
PHONE CHIMES
- Ars! - Huh?
- Come on! - I'll... I'll be there soon.
Love you, girls!
SOFTLY: Jay.
Jay!
Free biscuits, Jay!
JAY YELPS
Listen to this.
"Due to a systems error, your annual bonus was incorrect.
"You received £8,000 rather than the designated £800.
"As a result, you owe Recruitimax £7,200.
"This amount must be returned immediately.
"Failure to do so could result in immediate dismissal
"and legal action.
"Happy Christmas!"
FIREWORKS EXPLODE
This ain't a happy Christmas, Jay. FIREWORKS FIZZLE
You are in big trouble.
MUFFLED CHEERING
Such big trouble.
I would not want to be you right now.
I don't want to be me right now.
PHONE CHIMES REPEATEDLY
Everybody get up! We're going to see Santa!
♪ Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day... ♪
Welcome, welcome. Welcome to my grotto.
Please sit down.
All of you.
ELF GIGGLES
Please sit down.
PHONE RINGS
Now, I hope you have all been very good children.
What would you like Santa to bring you this Christmas?
I'm thinking, like, a Porsche.
- The elves will try their best. - ELF GIGGLES
Excuse me, sister, are you OK?
Mm-hm.
Do you know what I want?
I would like one picture with this guy.
- Come on. - Absolutely. Let's make that wish come true.
- Take your seat. - Smile, everybody!
CAMERA CLICKS
Merry Christmas!
Thank you so much, Santa.
- My absolute pleasure. - Thank you. Means a lot. Thank you.
Come on, then.
This way, this way, this way.
♪ Well, I wish it could be Christmas... ♪
It is real.
Yeah, just checking.
Can I ask you something?
Anything you want.
You haven't got, like, a spare £8,000 sitting about, have you?
Mm.
- No. - No...
It's all right.
♪ So let the bells ring out for Christmas. ♪
You've been putting it off all day. You've got to tell her.
- I'm not going to tell her nothing. - Why not?
Look how happy she is.
It's going to break her heart.
It's going to break all their hearts.
You can't break it, I can.
Leave it. Han.
I, er...
Yeah?
I love you, man.
I love you.
I've got something to tell you.
I know.
What? Wh-wh-what do you...? What do you know?
I know what you're going to say.
Do you?
It's a lot.
So much.
And you're right.
It is the first time I've felt happy since Mum died.
She would've loved it here.
Right.
And I knew this was the right thing to spend the money on!
Yeah...
I love you!
- Come on, selfie! - Yes!
Get in! Come on!
Santa's my babe.
- Fun time. - Eee! - Yes, Santa, mate. - Say Lapland!
- ALL: - Lapland!
I can't hear you! Say Lapland!
- ALL: - Lapland!
Skibidi can be good and bad, yeah?
Yeah.
I tell you what's bad. No more room service!
- What? - No. - But, Dad!
- No. - Oh, come on. - Excuse me.
Hi.
Sorry, I hope you don't mind me asking,
but I was wondering if you'd do me a favour.
I'm trying to move my sofa away from the window, but...
..I'm not as strong as I used to be.
Thinking what I'm thinking?
Yeah.
You help Auntie. We're out.
Bye.
Don't spend no money.
I'm helping an old lady move a sofa!
- Coming. - Thank you.
Thank you so much for helping me with that sofa.
Oh, you're welcome. Of course! Gets me out of kid duty.
Would you like a brownie?
Oh, thank you.
Made in Holland.
- Mmm! - Lovely, aren't they? - So good.
These Dutch brownies, have they got... mm?
- Mm. - Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!
THEY LAUGH
Doesn't this place just warm your heart?
And chafe your skin.
After sledging, I've got arse cheeks like sandpaper.
OLDER LADY CHUCKLES
- You been here before? - Oh, yeah.
Sid and I have been coming here for three decades.
Oh, I thought you were on your own, sorry.
I'll leave you to it.
No. No, no, no. No need.
Sid's very quiet these days.
Really?
Meet Sid.
- Oh! - "Oh!"
To Sid.
And arse cheeks like sandpaper.
PHONE RINGS
PHONE CHIMES
Hellfire is around the corner for you, mate.
Is that right?
Jamie, listen to me and listen to me good.
You and me are in this steaming pile of crap together.
- What? - Yeah, you heard me.
Are you here on this holiday right now?
- Yeah. - Yes, you are.
Which means that technically you owe me 20% of the £7,200
that I owe Recruitimax. POP MUSIC THUDS THROUGH WALL
Do you know how much money that is?
£1,440.
Is it?
Can't we just tell Hannah the truth?
Are you...?
Man, her mum has just died.
That was my mum, too.
MUSIC CONTINUES
Yes, she was.
- Sorry for your loss, my brother. - It's all right.
Who is playing this music?
Two months from her diagnosis to her funeral.
That's all we got.
And you know what? I... I still haven't cried.
Not properly.
I think crying is overrated.
Do you know how I felt after my last massive cry?
Like crying some more?
Exactly.
For weeks after, I would have this dream over and over again...
..and she would just walk through the door as if nothing was wrong,
and then I would wake up and realise that she'd gone.
I know.
Do you know what we need?
BOTH: More brownies!
POP MUSIC THUDS
- Hey. - Hey.
Oh. Here to fix the drains?
- Say again? - The blocked drains.
Oh, sorry, I thought you were maintenance, because you're...
Because what?
Oh, hang on.
You're here cos you recognise us.
- Sean... - And Sarah!
The wedding dance. It went viral.
Cousins get married, go dance crazy.
- Cousins? - First.
- Is it? - Mm-hm.
If you want a selfie with us...
This is the best light.
Nah, I'm all right, thank you.
Could you just keep the noise down? Because my children are sleeping.
It's Layla with a left.
What about the stuff I taught you, Layla? Come on, come on!
This... is... Sparta!
So sorry.
We will keep it down.
Hey, do you want to see our dance before you go?
- The one that was at your wedding? - Yeah. - The one that went viral? - Yeah.
Nah, I'm good, thank you.
Every single Christmas for 30 years?
Yeah. Every year, we bought the kids.
Then we bought the grandkids.
"Brought."
What?
Brought, not bought.
- Brought. - Oh.
Unless you actually came here and bought kids off someone.
Yeah!
THEY LAUGH
Oh... Do you enjoy teasing older women?
Oh, sorry, I guess... I guess it was a bit cheeky, wasn't it?
I suppose I always just, um...
..just did that with my mum.
Oh...
I know.
Do you know what we need?
More brownies.
No, we don't. We've had enough.
Ah. Have I been here for days?
I've lost the concept of time completely.
I need to go home.
I've had such a lovely night.
Me too. Don't slip and go head-first in that fire.
No, no, I absolutely won't. I've got this.
- I've absolutely got this. - Oh, no!
I don't know what your husband will say.
Lily, I love you.
I just think this place is so magical.
I love it here.
I never want to leave, Lily.
Have you got any crisps?
TENSE MUSIC
ELF GIGGLES, BELLS JINGLE
REINDEER GRUNTS
BELL TOLLS
- DISTORTED VOICE: - Everyone knows you stole the money, bro.
HE SCREAMS
You all right? You were mumbling about elves.
You having sex dreams about elves again?
Ooh...
Yeah... Yeah.
Yeah, well, I'll only be an hour. See you in a bit, OK?
- Bye, Mum. - See you later.
The alpine sauna - you OK if I go?
Arslan?
The alpine sauna?
All right, then.
Then I might, um... snog the elf at the gift shop,
run off with him, yeah?
- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah? - Yeah.
OK.
- You two, come with us. - I'm just finishing... - Now!
- What is this? - We know everything.
- What? - The bonus, the debt. Everything.
How you know about that?
We read all your work emails when we used your iPad.
Is Lucy from accounts still banned from Tinder?
- Oh, God. - Oh, my...
We also know you're keeping it a secret from Mum.
Luckily for you, we've got a plan.
Thank you.
What's the plan again?
We win the money.
- It's a talent show. - Talent show? Girls, we can't do that.
We're serious.
We teach you our TikTok dances, and we win the money.
No, no, no, we can't do that, girls.
Everyone loves a performing family.
Do they?
No. Nah, we can't do this, girls.
You're right.
Better off losing your job, your house, your family.
Family...
And going to prison, where my teacher says I'll end up.
That's cute.
PHONE RINGS
I'm sorry, girls.
And 1,000 euros is not enough anyway.
Welcome to phase two.
You give it to Darren at work, and he puts it into the Chinese crypto.
Oi. That is smart.
My little Spartans, come here. I'm not going to lie.
Oh, and not a word to Mum.
- You know what...? - To be fair...
- Slyly, this could work, you know. - Done now. - Slyly.
Oh, and one other thing.
You have to get me my own reindeer to take home on the plane.
Chill out.
Let's do it.
- Let's do it. - No, no, hold on, that is smart. Listen, that's smart,
but the right thing to do, yeah, is tell Hannah.
Brother, are you... are you mad?
Tell Hannah?
Look at the year she's had. She's so happy right now.
Oh! You're doing it, too? That's so cute!
Oh, can't wait!
And can we just say,
it is so nice to see a family like you here.
Like, blended, in more ways than one.
Yeah, cos you're interracial and you're into each other.
Hold on. No, no, we're not a couple.
- This is my brodie. - You know what I'm saying?
OK. Enjoy the snow.
- I imagine you don't really get that where you come from. - Yeah.
No, we've got snow in Coventry, thank you very much.
- OK, see you at the show. - See you at the show.
Bye.
So jolly...
How are we going to beat them?
Don't worry about them. We've got plans.
Come on.
- Are you insane? - No, I'm not insane.
I'm just doing what you asked me to do.
I'm out here spending time with the girls and making memories
- and all that kind of stuff. - I mean this with love...
It's not going to be with love, but go on.
- I'm a bit worried. - Why?
Last time you danced, people thought you were having a seizure.
OK, everyone, first we need to watch the TikTok versions,
and then we can start doing rehearsals.
- Hi. - Bye.
Yeah, you lot will batter 'em, don't worry about that.
Seven, eight, and one, two, there, and four...
- Love it. - And six...
Nothing can stop us from winning this.
..three and four. Five, six, seven...
- Whoo! OK. - All right.
Let's do it again.
Might have some work to do.
We're going to teach you some moves.
Up.
Clap.
Pull. And pull.
Up, clap, pull, pull.
- You're going fast, you're going fast. - A bit fast.
Three, four.
Six... Yes!
- Oh, that's good. - That felt good. It was OK. - Put it there.
- GIRLS: - Three, two, one. Up, down, pull, pull.
- Embarrassing. - OK, again.
Up, down, pull, pull.
One, two, three, and four.
Up, clap, pull, pull.
Side, side.
That's it, innit?
Big sli... Argh!
No!
- No. - I knew it.
Ugh...
- Great. - I think we're good. - I think we're good. - Yeah.
Seriously?
All I'm saying is hearing Sid's burps
isn't the thing I miss most about him,
although it's definitely in the top ten.
Even the smell.
Wish I could forget my husband's burps.
I have smelt Sid's burps across six different decades.
Arslan's are somewhere between...
..crabsticks and damp.
Nice.
All I'm saying is, you know, seize the day.
You don't know when you're going to miss those burps.
Trust me, I won't.
Trust me, you will.
Me and Sid, we used to ride the reindeer trail,
and every year we used to stop under the northern lights,
and the last thing Sid said to me was that he wanted me
to scatter his ashes under the northern lights.
That's so beautiful.
We must do it.
Can't.
It'll be too much.
- Thanks for the money, Dad. - See you later.
They're too powerful.
This secret's got you over a barrel, bruv.
You created monsters.
40 euros for a sandwich and a hot chocolate.
I'm going to starve out here, rude boy -
- my blood sugar can't handle all that. - What do you want me to do?
These girls have got us down bad, man - they cleared us out.
- Bad down... - I don't want to offend you,
but Ramadan is way better vibes than this.
Ramadan would be sick here.
Think about it. Four hours of daylight, the rest of the time,
what you doing? You're munching.
And you got time for the spiritual devotion
and self-reflection too, obviously.
- Do I need to be sorry? - No. - No.
- That's actually a sick idea. - That's a sick idea, right there.
Cuz, mate, sick idea.
- Special hug? - Not right now. - That's fine by me. That's cool.
BIRDSONG
PHONE CHIMES REPEATEDLY
LIFT PINGS
That's Sean and Sarah's breakfast. Intercept, intercept!
We'll take this.
Our aunt and uncle love it when we bring them breakfast in the morning.
Oh. Excellent.
Saves me seeing their wedding dance.
- Again. - BOTH: Yeah.
Bye.
Activate Operation Drain Water.
MUSIC: We Wish You A Merry Christmas
Hi.
JOINTS CRACK
Oh...
JOINTS CRACK AGAIN
HE GRUNTS, SHE WINCES
Knees too big for their sockets.
Oh, wow.
It's both ends.
I think it's viral.
A bit like your wedding dance.
- Sorry? - Nothing.
Get well soon, stay hydrated.
Thank you.
Yes, baby!
STOMACH GURGLES
Oh, no.
WET FARTS
OK.
Let's, er... let's go win this talent competition.
1,000 euros up for grabs.
It's not all about winning, you know.
Just have a good time.
Mum, we came here to win.
All right, calm down.
- We're about to cut these rugs and get this money. - Mm.
Come on. Come on, my little Legionnaires. Come on, come on.
- Let's go. - Come on, then.
OK, love you.
Love you.
PHONE RINGS
Don't love you.
- That's not the card. - That's not the card.
Right, OK.
Thank you to the amazing...
..Beverley.
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
Right, OK.
So, next up... Ooh!
..please welcome the Full Force Farooqis.
- Yeah! Whoo! - WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
- Here we go. - Mm.
♪ Somebody, a-somebody
♪ If you wanna party say party, say, "Party"
- ♪ Party! - Say, "Party"
- ♪ Party! - Come on
♪ If you wanna party and that's a fact somebody say
- ♪ "And you know that" - And you know that!
♪ We don't care if you're eight to ten
♪ Or if you're a senior citizen
♪ Cos we got a beat that just won't end
♪ So you better get ready to rock, my friend!
♪ You see, we got some news that you can use
♪ An offer that you can't refuse
♪ We're givin' up honey, and you got to come
♪ Because you're the one!
♪ Red, yellow, black, white, or brown
♪ In our own way, we can all get down
♪ So just take your time and enjoy yourself
♪ And you'll rock as good as anyone else
♪ A-come on
♪ Raise your hand up above your head
♪ If you agree with what I said
♪ Then writhe your hands all in the air
♪ Somebody say, "Oh, yeah"
♪ Oh, yeah! ♪
Oi! Ow.
MUSIC STOPS
Sorry. I got lost in the music, bruv.
Whoops.
HEARTBEAT THUDS, CROWD WHISPERS
MUSIC: Carol Of The Bells
I felt it...
Feel like this relationship could do with a bit of excitement.
Eight bags?!
It is the first time I've felt happy since Mum died.
You stole the money, bro.
You are in big trouble.
We win the money.
- Win the money. - Win the money.
MUSIC RESUMES
- Come on, you too. We can still doing this. - Argh!
♪ See I'm so bad and I'm so light
♪ To write a rhyme on a dime to make the world turn twice
♪ And I'm Mr Ness, that rock the best
♪ And I'm ready to rock at your request
♪ Go on, go on with your bad self
♪ Raheim is gonna do the rest
♪ Grandmaster, cut faster
♪ Than any known, stone to the bone
♪ Full-grown he's a one of a kind
♪ And Flash is gonna rock your mind
♪ Beep beep, you in the crew, hold it. ♪
CHEERING
Are you not entertained?!
I got to go.
I got to go, I got to go.
Argh, I've got cramp! Stretch my leg.
For you, juicy mama.
THEY CHEER
1,000 euros!
We did it! We won!
- What I was thinking... - Yeah?
..we should give the prize money to Lily.
Say what?
Hey, girls, you guys just go and live your lives on your devices.
No time limit today, OK? Love you.
Night, my little Spartans.
Love you, darlings. Smashed it.
You're being silly. You're joking around.
Well, she wants to scatter Sid's ashes under the northern lights.
Who is Sid?
Well, her husband, he's dead.
Oh, come on, it'll be so magical.
We should pay for it.
Why would you say that?
- Come on, we can afford it. - We really can't.
- We can afford it. - We really can't. - Not right now.
Babe, you're holding a grand in your hand.
Do you know what I mean? It's the right thing to do.
Plus memories are more important than money, aren't they?
Yeah, come on, you know it's going to feel good giving her closure.
You know what's going to feel better? Keep the money.
- That's going to feel great. - That's going to feel...
- See? Jamie agrees. - Sweet old lady, she's just lost her husband.
- She's not sweet. - I don't care about Lily.
I certainly don't care about Sid.
- How can you say that you...? - I'm saying it.
Sweet old lady!
- Not sweet. - She is, and she just...
She reminds me of Mum. She's got, you know...
- Oh, no. - Yeah. - This what this is?
Have you seen her eyes? They're very, very similar.
- They... They... They... - Don't do it. - Yeah. - Don't do it. - Yeah.
Cos you know your mum.
The mannerisms are really similar, like...
Mum's gone, innit?
And the way she carries her handbag and stuff, and the way she...
..walks.
She smells like lemon sorbet.
What are you doing now?
They smell the same.
It is Mum.
It's not Mum.
- It is Mum, innit? - I feel that she's here.
- It is. - How is it Mum? Is your mum called Lily? - It is.
Is your dad Sid?
They smell the same as the...
- It's Mum, innit? - It's Mum.
- I really miss her, babe. - Oh, sis, it's Mum, sis.
I miss her so much. It is her, innit? It is Mum.
- ♪ Christmas - The snow's comin' down... ♪
It's Mum, innit?
- ♪ Christmas - I'm watchin' it fall
- ♪ Christmas - Lots of people around... ♪
HE PUFFS
- ♪ Christmas - Baby, please come home
- ♪ Christmas - The church bells in town
- ♪ Christmas - Are ringin' in song
- ♪ Christmas - What a happy sound
- ♪ Christmas - Baby, please come home... ♪
- You going to eat that? - You did me dirty last night, you know?
Crying in front of your sister, what'd you do that for?
The smell of lemon sorbet did me in.
Plus I think it's actually Mum.
Do all mums smell of lemon sorbet?
Well, yours did.
Let me take that.
All good.
Can you imagine if this was actually real reindeer, like that?
Jay, it's reindeer kebab.
What do you think it's made out of?
- Serious? - Yeah. - Whoa.
Tastes quite nice, to be fair.
Sorry, Rudolph.
Where am I going to get this money?
Plus size modelling.
I am kind of sexy for a fat guy, still.
- Always said that. - You always have said that.
Or sell your body hair.
Sorry?
There's this place in China that makes wigs using human hair.
You're a hairy guy.
Obviously I don't know that for sure, I'm just assuming, but...
HE WHISTLES
You know what I am. I'm doomed.
Damnation, man's forsaken, don't eat bacon.
PHONE CHIMES
- Jamie? - Yeah?
Did you tell work that we're in Lapland?
Yes.
Yes, I did.
Webcam.
- What webcam? - Give the boys a wave.
- Is that a livestream? - Yeah.
Jamie, you're an idiot!
What's the problem?
Hi. Hi.
I, er... I liked your dancing yesterday.
Yo.
Where you going, man?
- Brother, I can't mess this up again. - You'll be fine.
- Promise? - 100%. - You sure 50's enough? - Easy.
- Hello, sir. You all right? - Yeah. - I need you to do me a favour, OK?
This favour's very simple.
When my family arrive here, you need to tell them
that all of your very lovely rides here are completely sold out
for the day, "You can't go in any more, go back to the hotel."
- Do you understand? - Understood, sir. - Are you locked in? - Yeah.
If you do this for me, if you do this for us...
..we've got a little something for you, yeah?
Hold that, sir.
- Understood. - All right. - Understood, sir. - Yeah? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Mm. - Come on, then.
REINDEER GRUNTS AND GROWLS
- WHISPERING: - I'm sorry.
- Hey! - Hi! - So, this is my beautiful family... - Hello.
..and we need, sir, your very best reindeer ride
to see the northern lights.
And for the ride, sir, I have 1,000 euros for you.
- No problem, no problem. - What? What? Huh? - No problem, sir.
No problem, sir.
Are you sure you're not all booked out?
No, sir, no!
Why don't you guys go and pick your favourite sleigh over there?
Yes!
Not you as... Why you do me like that? Why?
I've got kids to feed.
And, actually, the ride is 1,100 euros,
so you owe me another 100.
Thank you.
This is your final voyage.
Oh, don't.
I'm on a reindeer ride with my dad.
Say something.
- I don't really like reindeer. - No, no, no, say something nice.
- What, nice? - Yeah. Yeah, like, happy. - OK.
I'm so happy to be here with my baby girl on these rein...
- They smell funny, though. - No, no.
Do you ever feel like they can speak to you, do you think, Layla?
- Yeah. - You think so?
Thank you.
OK.
TREES CREAK
WIND WHISTLES
Oop!
OK, Sid.
Oh...
- Oh. - Oh.
My days.
Goodbye, my darling.
I love you.
MUSIC: Reach For The Stars by S Club 7
Oi! Turn it off!
Thought it might help.
I'm going to tell you what I told you at Mum's funeral.
S Club is inappropriate mourning music.
GETTING LOUDER: ♪ We've got to all stick together... ♪
Dude.
I'm trying to turn it off.
EVEN LOUDER: ♪ Never, ever forget that I've got you... ♪
- Turn it off! - I'm trying to!
LOUDER STILL: ♪ And you've got me, so... ♪
MUSIC STOPS
Thank God she's hard of hearing.
Thank you.
You didn't have to do this, but thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
Memories are worth more than money.
- TEARFULLY: - I just can't stop thinking about lemon sorbet.
Yeah, go on, give him a hug.
Come here.
Ah, it's all right.
All right, Auntie.
- Yeah. - Jindari.
- I can see how much this meant to you. - Thank you.
Can we get out of here now? Because it feels very culty.
Yeah, all right, then.
You know, I think I'd be sad if you died.
You "think"?
It's just hard to be sure.
Get in the sleigh.
Go on. "Hard to be sure"!
Thank you for everything.
I couldn't have done it on my own.
I'm just so happy we gave Sid his big send-off.
- Bless you. - Yeah.
- See you. - See you tomorrow.
Walk me down the hall, girls, OK?
I needed that, you know.
I know.
She's like an angel.
She's kind of old for an angel, though, innit?
I mean, that angel needs a hip replacement, no?
No.
Brother, come on.
You two have got a very special mum and dad, do you know that?
Well, we have a very special mum.
Will you give them an extra big hug tonight? Promise?
Dad will get enough hugs in prison.
What are you talking about?
- Hi. - We're back.
Oh, hello.
Did Lily get back OK?
Oh, yeah, she said she loves you.
What did she say about me, baby girl?
She says she thinks you'll manage OK in prison.
Why would your dad be going to prison?
No-one's... No-one's going to prison.
- How silly, how silly. - Yeah.
He's not going to prison.
He's right, they'll probably just make you pay it back, to be honest.
- You know what time it is? - Yeah? - Time to sing a Christmas carol.
- OK. - Are we ready? - Oh, yeah.
FLATLY: ♪ Silent night
- FINDING THE NOTE: - ♪ Si... Silent night... ♪
Wow.
♪ Silent night, doo-doo-doo
♪ Holy night, doo-doo-doo
- ♪ Silent! - Love of God, love's pure light
- ♪ In heavenly peace - Pon de sleigh
- ♪ God in heavenly peace - Pon de sleigh all day
- ♪ Sleep in heavenly peace - Stay out my yard
- ♪ Sleep in heavenly peace - What's Santa doing in my yard? ♪
You better tell me what's going on. Now.
I don't know where to begin.
How about poisoning the newlyweds with drain water in their coffee?
This girl.
One day she'll learn, inshallah.
Well, we did have a plan.
Didn't we have a plan?
We was going to take the winnings,
and then, um, give it to Darren so he could invest in Chinese crypto.
Darren?
Who lives with his nan?
Darren, who's banned from the swimming pool?
Are you off your tights?
You and I need a chat. Right, you lot, bed.
Oh, don't go, don't go.
Can I go on my phone a bit before bed?
If you've done wees and teeth.
Stay, stay for a bit, innit?
Hannah, what are we going to do?
I don't know.
I'll think of something, cos we have to.
Han, not this time.
People like us can't just figure out £7,200, can they?
With everything you've been through this year,
I just wanted you to have the perfect Christmas, you know?
And look what I've done.
There's no amount of Father Christmases or reindeers
that are going to sort this out, so...
..I'm sorry.
You lied to me for days.
You hatched a stupid plan.
You roped my brother and my kids into this.
And you did it all behind my back.
That...
- TEARING UP: - ..is the nicest thing...
..anyone's ever done for me.
Say again?
SHE SNIFFS
You were protecting me.
- Was I? - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Cos you knew how much it meant, because of my mum.
Yeah, I said that, yeah.
That's what I said, yes.
You gave me the perfect Christmas.
- Did I? - Yeah.
- This is the perfect Christmas for you? - Yeah.
And you don't even believe in Christmas.
Not really.
Oh, you're a tit.
- I'll take it. - Yeah? - Yeah, I'll take it.
- Yeah, take that? - Yeah, I will, yeah, I'll take that. - Take that one. - Yeah.
- But I love you. - Do you?
You're my best mate and you're the love of my life, and I love you.
Oh!
Oh, I love you. I'll be honest with you,
this went so much better than I thought it would.
BIRDSONG
Shall we go out and do something? Something that's free?
I'm trying to sell my kidneys on the dark web right now.
I might go and see Lily, then.
Just felt weird, like she was never even there.
I thought she might've...
I don't know. Didn't even get her email.
Do you even have an email when you're 84?
Look, I feel sympathetic towards you two and your new mum,
but either this auntie bounced this morning, or she's a ghost, OK?
And I've got bigger fish to fry, anyway.
Really big fish.
A seven-grand fish.
Yeah, I get the whole fish thing, but, um...
..what do you want to do?
HE SIGHS
Could try and get a refund on these last three days.
They're never going to give you a refund.
How...? You don't know that.
Because they won't!
- Let's try. - Really? - Will you try for me?
- Well, I'll do it for you. - Yeah? - Yeah. Come on, then.
- You coming as well? - No, I've got stuff to do.
Come on.
DOOR CLOSES
Lily, if you're there...
..give me a sign.
No?
All right, then. Cool.
I'm afraid we can't really order more snow, sir.
It comes from... the sky.
TripAdvisor will hear about this, Leena.
No stars, Leena.
Merry Christmas!
- FALSELY: - "Merry Christmas."
- Hello, sir. - Hello. - Hello, madam. - Hi. - How are you?
So, sister Leena, we have an issue.
Our kids are sick.
- Right. - And we don't want anyone else to get sick, OK?
So we're probably going to cut early from this Lapland.
- They're so ill. - Right.
And as a result, my wife had the idea that we could possibly
get a refund on the last three days of our stay,
just to get these sick children out of your hotel.
- Can I have your room number, please, sir? - 29. - Right.
There's a lot of vomit up in 29, you know.
I'm afraid no. No refund.
Once a room is booked,
the amount must be paid in full, regardless of occupancy.
Mm-hm. Mm. Could you do something for us? Kids are sick, man.
No refunds, full stop.
- Thank you, Leena. - You've been so helpful.
- Merry Christmas. - No, you.
You, merry Christmas.
Oh, Mrs Farooqi.
This was left for you this morning.
Merry Christmas.
No, no, really, merry Christmas to you.
Arslan.
Ars!
Why, why, why you crying?
"To Arslan and Hannah, memories are worth more than money.
"See you back here next year. Your Auntie Lily."
MUSIC: Ode To Joy by Beethoven
Hey, yo, brrap!
- Is everything OK, sir? - Yes! - More than all right! - Yes!
- Oh. - Auntie Lily left you £8,000.
- Yeah. - Ah, Lily! - Yeah. - Yeah, she has always been such a generous lady.
- Has she? - It's unusual for someone so wealthy.
- Is it? - Yeah.
How much wealthy?
Her and her husband made their fortune in blankets.
- I love blankets. - Yeah!
Oh, she's the best customer we've ever had.
- A wonderful lady. - She really is. - Yeah.
- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas!
Big up yourself, Leena.
PHONE RINGS
- Hello? - Arslan? Arslan Farooqi? It's Dominic Hawtrey.
We've been urgently trying to get hold of you.
Yes. Mr Hawtrey, how are you?
You've been avoiding us for days, and you owe us £7,200, immediately.
- Listen, mate... - Mate?
..if it's agreeable with you,
I'd like to send you that amount in the AM.
By tomorrow? Well, yes, I suppose that would be acceptable.
Yeah? OK. Thank you, Hawtrey.
See you when I'm back in the office.
We really should be considering your position here in the company...
Thank you, all the best, Hawtrey. Bye. Bye. Bye!
HANNAH LAUGHS EXCITEDLY
Sh-sh-sh!
Oh, by the way...
- Yeah? - ..let me know if you need a doctor.
- Huh? - Why?
For your sick child?
- Ah, them kids is feeling... - I think they're feeling a bit...
- ..much better with eight bags! - So much better... - Oh. Oh, great.
Open the lift.
LIFT PINGS
Get in the lift, Cuz. Get in.
Let's go tell the girls! And Jamie!
- ALL, CHANTING: - Lily! Lily! Lily! Lily! Lily!
Whoo!
Let's do the dance one more time.
Absolutely not, little girl.
No more dancing.
My back's hurting!
Hi.
I just wanted to say Merry Christmas.
CHEERING
Ah, it's nice, that, innit?
What?
Why is the lady from reception abducting your uncle?
Now that is a Christmas miracle.
Salaam, Lapland. You were terrible!
We ain't never coming back to this cold place again.
- Shall we go somewhere hot next year? - Let's go Auntie Janet's, man.
She's always got the heating on too high.
- ♪ Merry merry merry - Christmas
- ♪ Celebrate on - Christmas
- ♪ It's a family ting on - Christmas
♪ Santa Santa's coming to town Santa Santa's coming to town
♪ And he knows when you're sleeping and when you're not around
♪ Yeah. ♪