- I think we should skip right to the fucking end.
Here I am in the local cruising ground.
No, I'm not about to get noshed off.
I'm about to get dumped.
- I'm calling it a day, mate.
Like, I can't do this anymore.
Fuck you!
Calm down.
You're having a good time.
You weren't complaining at the time
when I was paying for all your fucking holidays were you?
You were looking forward to be sitting here right now.
You're lucky to have spent time with me for that time.
Like, just be thankful for that time at least.
Spiteful face fucking you're overstepping the boundary
and that's it. That's the fucking end.
I really wish
that was the fucking end.
- You had a good run. Fuck off.
- And even though it's been like, what,
three months?
Still fucking hurts.
Sorry that I sent you all them fucked up messages last night
I ended up getting really fucked.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.
I fucking love you.
I fucking absolutely love you.
You're a fucking prick.
We don't have to have dinner,
we can just meet up and we can just fuck.
Like I'm not even hard.
Just really fucking struggling with it all at the minute.
Really, really sorry.
This is the fifth guy that I've had round this week.
The Dom.
Rough and ready.
He also works at my local supermarket
and he lives with his elderly mum, Joanne.
- Hi dear. - She's dead sweet.
- All right, all right.
Do you like poppers?
- Yeah. - Do you?
- Yeah. - Sniff that one.
How open are you now?
Do you like being fucking open?
Yeah you do.
There you are.
- Have you ever thought,
how the fuck did I end up here?
Now, this moment here
is the first time I remember
getting really, really turned on.
- That's it, yeah.
Fucking smell that.
Fucking yeah.
- It is gonna be so awkward
when I buy milk off him in the morning.
- Are you just gonna play with that
or are you gonna eat it?
- I feel sick.
- Oh, come on.
I made that from scratch, darling.
Look at the state of you.
Is this you now?
This is it?
- My mum.
She wasn't perfect...
- But do you know what?
It would've been so much fucking easier
if you were just with a bird.
Do you know what I mean?
Look at ya.
Jesus Christ.
I thought we could have fun together,
but I want a happy gay.
I'm giving you advice.
I'm telling you not to go out drinking every night
and you are.
So if you're not gonna listen to me,
you are not moving in.
- She's way better than she used to be.
- I wanted a fucking grandkids. That's all.
But oh no!
Old fucking selfish faggot chops.
Listening in are ya?
Fucking poof.
What about AIDs?
I did not say that.
I would never say that.
- You did.
- Are you seeing your mate Daniel recently?
- Daniel from year 11 at school?
No, I've not. - Yeah.
He just moved in with his misses.
Look at him. He's doing really well for himself.
And look at you.
State of it.
- You know he is fruity don't you?
- Fruity? - Fruity.
- What?
- What do you think we were doing upstairs in the bedroom
when we were kids?
- Are you actually kidding me?
- Did you ever have that mate in school
that just wanted to wank with you all the time?
Well, I did.
And it never made you gay unless you actually...
- Benji, what the fuck are you doing, man?
Bruv.
- I thought that's what you wanted.
- You thought that's what I wanted?
You fucking kidding me?
I swear to fucking God, Benji,
if you tell anyone about this,
I'll fucking kill you.
Okay?
I'll fucking kill you.
Faggot.
- He was back in my bed the following weekend.
- I just want you to be happy.
I really do.
- It's really difficult to like get it out my head
and I think that's why I just keep drinking,
'cause I'm like,
I just keep thinking about him all the time.
Do you know what I mean?
- He don't wanna know you.
So why should you wanna know him?
- Well, I just can't get him out of my head mum.
Like it's really fucking me up.
- But you think he's thinking about you?
All I want for you
is to get yourself a job,
stop selling pigeons.
- Hello. - Hello.
- I'm Ryan. This is Benji.
We're knocking on doors today
collecting money for Save the Birds UK.
It's 50p a month. - Save the what?
- Save the Birds. - Oh!
- In the UK. Yeah.
It's 50p for one bird sponsorship
or it's 75p for two birds per month.
- Okay, so what kind of birds?
What do I get? What bird?
- So we're still doing the lovely Christmas cards
that you get sent each Christmas.
We've also got some really nice badges
that get sent out.
- Ooh, what color badges?
- Yes, you can get blue, green, pink.
- What color blue?
- We've got swimming pool blue, baby blue.
Exactly like this?
- No, I don't like it.
What about a sapphire blue?
- Yeah, I think there's sapphire blue as well.
- Oh, wow.
- Listen lady, are you gonna sponsor a fucking bird or what?
- Ryan, AKA the Bellend.
He has lost me so much commission over the years,
but he's got a good heart
and he's pretty fit.
You fucking taking the piss mate?
- You know what? Fuck off.
- What a fucking tight bitch she was.
- Were you just born with a fucking massive nob
on your head, mate?
- Mate, I cannot be bothered to do this anymore.
Can we please go and find some real birds?
Find you a cuckold mate.
- How the fuck have you got any money?
- I've got business savvy, haven't I?
- Yeah. - Hey, what's up?
What's the matter with you?
What's up?
Oh, come on mate.
Come on, let's go find some real fanny.
Come on. It's bank holiday weekend. Please.
Please.
I know you don't like Fanny.
I know you like the dick
but this is for me, isn't it?
Because they're always like, "Oh, my God,
he's so gay,"
and I'm like,
"Oh, I'm not. I'm fucking straight."
- No, I'm just not really in a good place
at the moment mate at all, like at all.
- Oh, come on mate.
What else would you be doing?
Hey, come on mate.
- All right.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Yes. Come on then.
Let's fucking get the fanny.
Come on. Let's go mate.
Whoa! Here we go.
Come on. Fucking suck that boy.
Come on then mate. Whey!
Benji, wants the D. Come on!
When you take it up the arse, does it feel nice?
I mean I've had a finger up there before,
but...
Do you suck cock as well? Yeah.
I don't think I could suck cock.
I could probably have it sucked
if I was absolutely fucked.
Do you know what I mean?
What's the biggest dick that you've ever seen?
I don't understand, right,
how do you make sure that there's no shit up there
before a dick goes in?
When a guy comes round,
how do you know who's gonna take it and who's gonna give it?
What is the biggest dick that you've ever seen?
Is it nine inches?
Is 10 inches?
Is it 11 inches?
- I don't fancy him.
- Why don't you come over here and show me yours?
- I don't.
- Yeah?
I'm fucking so hard for you right now.
- He's straight. I don't fancy him.
All right. I fucking do.
And it stops me thinking about him anyway.
- Yo. Excuse me. - Fucking hell.
- How long are you gonna be on that pool table for?
- Dunno mate. Ask him.
- Fuck sake.
- Still think I'm gay?
Not me.
That's my friend.
- He's the gay one. - Exactly.
- Are you all right ladies?
All right, mate.
No trouble tonight, you.
- Fuck off. - See you down there, yeah?
All right, mate. - You all right. Is he gay?
- He is proper gay.
- Prove it.
- What? - Prove it.
At least try to pretend.
Any trouble you's are fucking out.
- Is it busy in there mate?
- Yeah, it's rammed.
Evening ladies. You okay?
- What the fuck?
Ryan.
- Oh, Charlotte.
- Oh, so you can't find your own man
so you come to a gay bar and take mine?
- Your man? That ain't your man.
- Get out my face.
- She was kissing me first.
- Get off me!
She was kissing you first.
Was she fuck.
Why are you getting involved?
Stink like a right little slag.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
- Of course we get kicked out.
I should have just stayed at home
wanking and crying into my pillow.
Yeah, he'll do.
He's well fit
but he's into Ryan.
I'll take it.
Anything to stop thinking about him.
I managed to get him back home and...
You're fit.
- Yeah. Where's that lad?
The one you're with tonight. - Huh?
- Where's the lad we were with tonight?
- What, Ryan?
- Yeah, whatever his name is.
- He's straight.
- What do you mean he's straight?
- He's straight.
- Well, is he not coming back with us tonight?
- Nah.
- Oh, so it's just me and you?
Let's get another guy over from the internet, yeah.
- What? - Yeah. It'd be really fun
like the three of us.
- Ah, fuck it.
- Yeah, it'll be... No? - No.
- What do you mean no? - Nah, just me and you.
- Yeah.
So just me and you then, yeah?
- Yeah.
- All right, fine.
Well, take your clothes off then.
Yeah.
- He doesn't even want to be here.
Yeah. All right.
I've not been to the gym.
He thinks fuck it.
And so it continues.
A drink, a fuck, a grinder.
I just do anything to stop thinking about him.
I think about going to your house
but I remember the restraining order.
I think about going to your work.
I think about phoning you,
but you've blocked me.
I think about anything I can do to reach you.
They say the best way to move forward is to go back.
This is me not on the edge of a nervous breakdown.
I was having a bit of an independent traveling phase,
which meant an £89 flight to Amsterdam for the weekend.
It's moments like these
that you wish a sign would spring up being like,
run bitch, run.
But there wasn't one.
Fuck, he's coming over.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
God, he's coming over.
Okay, so why were you staring at him?
You can see his dick in those shorts.
- Joke innit.
- Yeah. All canceled.
- Have to wait for the next one now.
Fancy another?
- Introducing the absolute bellend
that I'm about to fall in love with.
Cheers.
- Don't you hope for some fit girls on our flight?
- And I really hope after seven pints you're gay.
- You gonna get that?
- It's my mum, honestly,
since she's found out the planes are canceled,
she's like, are you okay?
I'm like, fuck off.
- I wish I could call my mum.
- Call her.
- Can't mate. She's dead.
- Oh, fuck. Sorry mate.
- Did you kill her? - What?
- What you sorry for you bellend?
- I just kept thinking my mum would be like...
- He's got big dick energy.
- Things I learned about the fit guy at the airport.
He was a PT for footballers,
i.e. rich.
He was a huge cock tease,
but always followed it up by talking about fit girls.
He said he had a 10-inch cock,
which sometimes he couldn't fit in boxer briefs.
- Hi. Hi. Sorry.
I think you're in the wrong seat.
Actually, there was a bit of a mix-up at check-in.
You see I'm his carer,
so I need to be sat next to him.
Is that all right?
- Why, what's wrong with him?
- Right. Okay, no problem.
- Stop laughing. - You prick!
I'm Benji.
- Benji?
- Right. Well, what's your name?
- If we're still talking on the flight home,
I'll tell you.
- You arrogant cunt.
But he's fit as fuck.
Fit people get away with anything.
- Hit the bars when we land, yeah?
- All right.
I like bacon on it
and then maple syrup on the bacon.
- On a pancake?
- Yeah.
Like American style. - Fucking so wrong mate.
Bacon on a pancake?
- Yeah. - What the fuck man?
That's mental.
- So you're not meeting anyone out here or anything?
- No.
What about you?
- No.
- So I've got you all to myself then, have I?
- We start necking back pints
and already I feel like one of the lads.
We flip beer mats up in the air.
And to be honest,
it just demonstrates that I'm really dyspraxic.
We play darts.
He lets me win. It's pretty cute.
We go get high.
It does not mix well with the alcohol.
I am feeling fucked.
I convince him that all the fit girls go to gay bars.
Cut to the whitey starts to affect me
and I'm sick in my mouth three times.
We have pictures in a photo booth
and he pretends to suck me off.
And to be honest, I get hard.
We end up dancing and I look like E.T. on ketamine.
He keeps looking at girls in the club
and it is starting to fuck me off a little bit.
We go get chips and I just keep thinking,
am I about to spend the weekend with someone
who just wants to fuck a bird?
Am I in that situation
where I've gotta pretend to be one of the lads?
Or is something inside of him just that little bit gay?
- Feel all right?
- Yeah.
I think it's the beer.
- It's fucked you up.
- I'll be all right in a minute.
Do you like when you drink and you smoke
and it makes you a bit like.
- Oh, I think I filled it too much.
Oh, shit.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, mate.
That's not good is it?
You ever shagged while you've been high?
- The last time I shagged when I got high,
I actually vomited all over a guy's cock.
Yeah.
- How'd you feel like, was it good?
It's nice, isn't it?
- Looks shit.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
And then I think, fuck it. I'm gonna ask him.
So, are you like straight, yeah?
- Why you putting a label on it?
What about you?
- I shagged a girl once. - You did?
- Like, literally once. Yeah.
- Go on lad.
- But,
do you know like the 18 to thirties tour buses they do?
- Mm.
- So I'm on one of them at 18
and there's this woman on it and she's 35 to be fair.
So she probably shouldn't have been on it.
So she's like got it in for me.
She's obsessed with me for the whole trip
and I'm terrified
because I've got like proper virgin energy,
do you know what I mean?
- So you were a virgin?
- Yeah.
And one night I'm in the swimming pool
and we're all fucked, like we've been out drinking
like proper on it.
- Mm.
- And she's like, target acquired.
So she gets in the pool
like knickers off, comes over.
- Fucking hell. - I'm like that.
She comes over and she's shagging me, right?
But there's this lad, this Argentinian lad
who's fit as fuck
and he's watching us,
but he's wanking.
So I'm watching him wank
while I'm shagging her
and I'm looking at him in the eyes and I'm like...
- Fuck, so he was basically keeping your hard.
- Yeah.
And I was like, fuck I'm gay.
- You know what?
We should get someone in.
- What do you mean?
Wait. - Get a brass.
Girl brass.
- Right.
- Good for it.
You don't have to do anything if you don't want.
- Well, yeah. I'm not gonna shag a bird, am I?
- You can watch.
- Yeah?
- All right. Yeah, whatever.
Inside I was thinking absolutely fucking not.
But I might get to see his dick so...
- This is Vanessa.
- So do you wanna sit down,
chat for a little bit,
or go straight to the bedroom?
Got about 30 minutes.
- Oh, yeah. Is it all right if he watches?
- Yeah, that's 80 euros more cash.
- Have you got cash?
Are you sure?
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's fine. Yeah.
- Okay. Bedroom through there?
- Yeah. Yeah. You lead the way.
- Okay.
See you in there?
- No, not arsed. Honestly.
Not arsed.
- Come on. Come through.
- Now, this for me was a little bit
like a choose your own adventure book.
Turn to page three to go back to your hostel and have a wank
or turn to page 73 to get involved.
Watching wasn't usually my thing, but
I could tell it was his.
He's not taking his eyes off me and
I'm hard as fuck.
So is she like your type then?
- Blondes,
brunettes,
redheads.
What about you?
- I wish I could say
I went for loving caring guys, but...
- Yeah,
you know, you're lucky to have me.
- Danny, who loved to do ketamine.
And if I didn't do ketamine with him
then I was a bad, bad boyfriend.
- I know what your mum thinks of me.
Yeah. I dunno why you need to speak to her though.
Why do you need your family?
- And here's Smiley Sean.
Smiley Sean, who used to call me morbidly obese.
What a keeper.
- The fact that I slept with you. Oh!
Fuck, like why would I do that?
- Bit like me then yeah?
Go on then.
- What?
- Go on then.
- Go on then what?
- I said, "Go on then."
- Why did you come back here, Benji?
- And then it sinks in
that it's just me and a pint of wine
getting completely off my tits
and reliving what I thought
was the best relationship of my life.
This time in £89 fight to Amsterdam doesn't feel the same.
I don't know what I'm fucking doing coming back here.
You want me to get it in?
- Get it in.
You little pussy. Don't stop.
Don't stop. Keep going.
- Staying in this apartment,
it feels haunted now.
- That's me. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Oh, for fuck sake.
- And there we go.
- Oh, fucking hell!
You're dirty.
You are so dirty.
- Nice.
- I mean, I'm not fucking doing that.
You can fuck right off.
- We can try it.
- Fuck off.
- Get off me, you faggot.
- I wonder if I've ever made anyone feel this shit?
And then I remember my ex-girlfriend.
Yeah, that's me pretending to be asleep
so I don't have to have sex with her.
- I'm gonna do it now.
No, I wanna have sex.
- I'm drunk.
We're both drunk.
Come on.
- I'm gonna be sick.
- You always do this.
- No, I do. I just-
- Then what is it?
- I'm drunk. I feel sick.
- I've put this on.
Every time I wanna have sex with you,
you don't wanna go near me.
Do you just wanna break up?
Is that what you want?
- No. No. That's not what I want.
- You just keep pushing me away.
But you know what?
I'm gonna have sex tonight,
whether it's with you or not.
Fuck off. I'm done.
- I just wanted to watch films
and have a gossip with her.
- My name's Jake. You passed the test.
- Oh,
Jakey poos.
- What you doing?
- What?
- It's a little bit gay that Benji.
- Your dick up my arse is a little bit gay.
- Fuck off.
It's not gay if you're doing the shagging mate.
- Are you on prep by the way?
- Just to put it out there,
I'm not gay. Okay?
Just having a bit of fun.
And this is nothing serious.
Like, I don't wanna be on the list of guys
that fucked you up in the past.
- You won't. No.
Someone's got a big head.
- Do this again?
- Yeah.
- Next month?
- Yeah. Go anywhere you like.
You can pick.
- I've not really got any money mate, to be honest.
- Fuck off Jock. Come away or not?
- What?
- On me.
You can choose.
- Money bags.
All right.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
It's a date.
- It's not a date.
- It's a date.
- It's not a date.
- It is, it's a date.
- Shut the fuck up.
- It's a date.
you're gonna come meet my mum.
It's a date.
- Fuck off.
Get off me.
It is not a date.
- It's a date.
And that was it.
Every month we'd meet and go to Amsterdam.
- Clothes off.
Right.
I'll get the bird in the MD.
You have a shower, you smelly bastard.
- Sick.
- What you doing? - What?
- Delete that please.
- Fuck off.
- Stop it.
- I'm just taking it in
that I've shagged a 10 twice this week.
- You are such a weirdo mate.
I shagged a mid-tier five
and I've not said anything, have I?
- No, but you've taken him away and paid for him.
I was gonna say, actually
I've got a bit of a sales commission coming up,
so I was gonna transfer you a little bit of money.
- Shut the fuck up.
Right, get your kit off. - What you doing?
- Let's get in the water. - What are you doing?
- Take it off. Let's go - Fuck off!
I'm not taking my kit off. - Why not?
- Because I'm not.
- Why not?
Take your kit off.
- We're outside.
- There's no one here.
- I'm not taking my top off.
- Why not?
- You won't have experienced this, right?
But you know when a guy gives you the
you've not been to the gym look.
Like I'm just not into it.
I'm not taking-
- Benji, listen.
Stop.
Listen.
When have I ever given you that look?
Never.
You look amazing.
Now, come on, get your stuff off.
Let's get in the water.
We're in the red light district after, yeah?
It's not bad, you know.
- And despite everything,
you were the first person
that made me feel positive about my body.
Fuck off!
Twat!
Are you like this for women by the way?
- Like what?
- Dominating.
- Women don't like it as much.
- Right? Well, who said I liked it?
- You seem to fucking like it.
- All right, let's get a sliding little scale here, yeah.
50-50 men, women.
Where we sitting?
- I'd say 70-30, women to men.
Yeah, I never said that out loud before.
- That you're bi?
- Did I say that, Benji?
How many lads have you been with since we've been away?
- None.
- None?
- Yeah, none.
- Mate, I shagged like 10 birds since we last went away.
Fucking hell, what you been doing?
- Go on then.
- What?
- I want a Benji special.
- Benji special.
Get ready for your socks to be blown off.
- And in that moment I felt like a teenage girl
and knew you were gonna be around for a while.
What do you want to do now?
This did wonders for my esteem.
- Benji, where are you?
- Yeah, I'm in Amsterdam.
No, I don't want you to fucking come out.
I'm not.
I'm not seeing him.
I just need a few days out here on my own.
No, I promise you I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Fuck sake.
Look, I just need three days max and I'm gonna come home.
I will.
I'm not seeing him. He's not here.
Okay, I love you.
I gave my head a wobble and decide to leave the flat,
but I go and do what I always do.
Only this time it's down a seedy alleyway in Amsterdam.
All right.
- You don't look like your pictures.
- All right.
He's not wrong.
I did use face tune on that picture.
I don't have the words for what happened next.
Not yet anyway.
- Don't worry.
Why you look so scared, huh?
- I'm not scared.
- I take care of you, yes?
Go.
Yes.
Hm?
Sit.
Do as your told. Sit.
Good boy.
You do as I tell you, yes?
- Mm-hm. - Yes?
- Yeah. - Mm-hm.
Relax. - I'm fine.
You like?
- Is he okay?
- Yes.
He wants me.
He told me.
Touch him.
Why are you so scared?
- I'm fine.
- No. You need to relax.
- I've not done that one before.
- It's okay.
I show you.
For you.
You don't drink.
Not yet.
- Just down it? - Drink.
- Okay. - Sante.
- Mm? - Mm-hm.
- You feel? - Mm-hm.
- You want to feel? - Mm-hm.
- What are you doing?
- I need to go.
- Huh? - I need to leave.
- What?
No, no, no, no.
Why you going?
- Mm-mm.
- Huh?
- I don't feel very well. - What?
No, no. Stay.
- Mm-mm. - Huh?
You stay here, huh?
Huh?
Come on. You fucking bitch.
Huh?
- Eventually, he leaves and my first thought is,
"That could have been worse."
How fucked up is that?
I feel pain in my ribs
and I close my eyes
and leave my body.
- The film you are about to see
represents a homosexual.
- Oh, no, no.
That's no kind of a thing to say.
- Find themselves depersonalized.
Like almost leaving their body at those experience
at those times.
- Benji, look at the time, my love.
- You will grow up someday.
- Typically, when we see dissociation,
in almost all cases I've ever seen,
it's a trauma response.
It's often considered to be a-
- We seem to be drifting apart.
- All homosexuals are not passive.
- And it's all because of-
Your product here.
Disassociation.
- Have you ever been dealt a shit hand?
- Weren't you on my flight?
- I'm gonna fuck you up.
- I feel like I've been sucked up into an arsehole.
I lose so many hours and I don't,
don't know what day it is.
- How much have you taken?
- And I just keep wishing that I was back with...
And this was the first trip that felt like a date.
It felt like you wanted to show me off.
We went out of the apartment,
we went bike riding together
and it felt amazing.
- Fuck, are you falling there?
Falling there.
What we talking about here, no hands?
Hey?
It's fucking shocking weather.
- Yeah.
My brakes aren't working.
Who's fucking idea was this?
- Stop being a pussy.
All right, here you go.
Would you rather
lick out a fanny that were full
with cottage cheese that been in the fridge for a year.
- Where the fuck do you get this shit?
- Or
suck someone off
if he had a Yorkshire pudding
wrapped around the dick covered in gravy?
- Yorkshire pudding cock.
- Whose cock is it?
- Doesn't matter.
- And yeah. All right.
Maybe I do wear rose-tinted glasses sometimes.
Maybe we weren't Snow White and the Huntsman
running round the woods that day.
But in my head it's how I like to remember it.
- What do you wanna do tonight?
- I've actually got a couple hours work tonight.
- You actually work out here?
- Yeah.
- Oh, right.
- It's a junior league, new client.
In and out. Nice and easy.
- I can come.
- No.
I think we should go somewhere hot next.
- I think you should stop spending money on me.
- I think you should shut the fuck up.
- Oh, yeah?
Fuck off.
That was actually quite romantic.
- Suck me off.
- What if someone comes?
- Yeah, I'm gonna come.
- We're in the woods.
- Yeah, so?
- Can we not be just like romantic
for like two minutes?
I felt like a nosh on tap.
- Can we just make something clear?
- All right, use your serious voice.
- Shut the fuck up a second.
The arrangement is
we see each other in Amsterdam, not in the UK.
I book the trips
and I tell you when we're gonna see each other.
All right?
- Hale?
You live in fucking Hale?
- The fuck you doing with my wallet?
You fucking weirdo. Get off.
- Fucking hell. Calm down mate.
- Don't tell me to calm down.
- Don't fucking shout at me.
- Don't shout at me!
- Fuck off!
- You fuck off you little prick.
- Don't fucking hit me.
- Fuck off you little- - Fuck off.
- Fuck off you little cunt.
Don't touch my shit. All right?
- I'm going.
- Benji, don't go.
- Don't. Fucking stop grabbing my arms.
- Benji, fucking stay.
Just stay. Just stay. I'm sorry.
- Yeah. - Here.
- No.
I don't...
Fuck off.
- Benji, just don't go. Just stay. I'm sorry.
- Just don't fucking grab my arms again.
- Okay. Okay.
- Fucking hell.
- Just don't touch my shit.
You taking my shit for?
Look, I don't want anything serious.
Okay? I'm not looking for a relationship.
I'm really happy the way that things are.
If you're not, then that's fine but...
- I think I just wanna go back to be honest.
- Okay. You all right?
- I'm fine.
- Did I hurt you? - No.
And looking back,
I think this was the moment we both knew
that this wasn't gonna end well.
I really wish that moment had happened,
but
he never would kiss me in front of other people.
- When in Amsterdam
have pancakes.
- Cheers.
- I'm sorry about yesterday.
I think I get my temper from my dad.
- You get it from somewhere.
Still see you dad?
- No mate.
I've not seen him since the late nineties.
- Who doesn't love a nineties flashback?
And this might feel like a toxic origin story,
but people are complicated.
And I'm not excusing him.
When I heard this, I wanted to fix him.
I wanted him to be okay.
Morning dad.
Dad.
I'll get you some food.
- And then she came,
his Auntie Jackie.
Now, I'm not gonna lie,
on paper she is a bit of a gay icon.
- You all right?
A hello would be nice.
Your dad's gone off and he's asked me to check in on you.
Well, fucking hell. I can go if you want.
There you go.
That's the proper man's drink that is.
- It's fucking hanging that.
- Oh, drink it up. - Why's it doing that?
- Bloody drink it up your poof.
- Would you rather have
a daughter that's his slag or a son that's gay?
- Would you rather a fanny dipped in cheese,
like cottage cheese
that's been out for like weeks
or a cock wrapped in Yorkshire pudding and gravy.
- Fanny, obviously.
- You fucking liar.
- It would be the fanny.
- You love Yorkshire puddings.
- Yeah, but not round a dick.
It would obviously be fanny.
- Oh, no way.
You are absolute a virgin mate.
There's no way you've been near fanny.
- I'm not a virgin.
- I can smell it.
- I'm not a fucking virgin.
- Oh, I've touched a nerve!
- Who's that?
- Oh, don't you worry.
You just stay down here.
Mommy's got to do a little work.
- Mommy?
- Sorry. Auntie Jackie.
You all right, Paul?
Come on in. Cash up front, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Great.
- Who's the kid?
- Oh, it's just my nephew. It's fine.
- I don't think he should be here.
- Well, he is not coming upstairs babe.
- Don't think I'm pretty keen on that.
- Oh, don't worry.
I've got the nappies. It's fine.
Come on.
Do you want me to slap you?
Call you-
- As long as he stays down there.
- Yeah, yeah. It'll be fine.
- Right, you fucking bastard.
You love this, don't you?
Where's your dummy?
Do you wanna suck on a dummy?
You fucking skanky baby.
Oh, come on!
- Please. - Oh!
Do you want another slap?
- Yeah.
- You've been a naughty baby.
- Please, yes. - A naughty baby.
- I'm so bad.
Okay.
- Wipe your own shit.
I've had enough of you, fucking horrible baby.
- I always feel a bit frisky after I've had a bit of action.
I saw you.
- What?
- Little pervert.
Were you watching him?
- No.
- Well, you can't have been wanking about me
because I'm your auntie.
That would be weird.
- Did he pay you?
- Yeah, £50.
- Ugh, you little slag.
- Don't talk to me like that.
Everyone pays for sex.
Nothing wrong with it.
- Yeah. Who do you pay for sex?
- Do you know what?
I would pay
£45 for Eric Cantona to do me from behind.
Really rough.
Love that.
It's his hands.
They're so big.
Oh, Banjo, Banjo, Banjo.
I bet you'd like Eric
up the bum.
- He's mine.
- What?
- Did dad leave me a card out
or anything for my birthday?
- Is it your birthday?
- I mean, have you had sex before?
- Oh, my God. Don't ask him that.
You'll embarrass him.
- What? It's a simple question.
Have you or have you not?
- Yeah.
- There we go. Question answered.
- Right, you two pop upstairs
and, you know, pop his cherry.
- What do you mean?
- Happy birthday Jakey?
- Oh, fuck off Jackie.
- Oh, come on. Chill out.
Come on, Jack.
- Jake.
- She's all right. She's dyslexic.
Don't be so worried.
You'll be all right.
Just take her from behind
and pretend she's George Clooney.
She's handsome.
She's got a strong nose.
You'll be all right.
- I'll try to keep her quiet.
- Nice one.
Hello.
Do you want to come and live with your auntie Jackie?
There we go. There you go.
That's nice, isn't it?
Fucking heavier than Oprah Winfrey.
- Not gonna stay?
- No.
It was only an hour.
- Was it good?
- It was fast.
Look, your auntie only paid for me
because she thought you were a wee poof.
She didn't think you're actually gonna go through with it.
Banjo.
Excuse me.
Have you seen a lady with a dog?
Banjo!
- He never did see that little dog again.
Apparently, she sold it for £40.
I don't think he saw any of his family again.
- Benji, why's your phone been off for eight hours?
I'm worried.
You need to come home.
It's not gonna make you feel better being out there.
He's not coming back.
He's moved on and you need to and all.
- After putting myself in danger yesterday,
I still wake up and think, fuck it,
I'm gonna meet someone.
And I know what you're thinking, but
he looks like he's got a really nice face
and I'm gonna meet him somewhere public
in some toilets.
- I don't usually meet in public toilets.
- I mean, I thought it'd be a bit less awkward
than meeting outside Anne Frank's house.
- Do you not just wanna like leave the toilets
and go get a coffee?
- I mean, I poked my head in the cubicles before
and they're pretty clean.
What you say?
- Okay. - Yeah?
- Okay. - All right, fuck it. Come on.
- Fuck it. - Fuck it.
So are you top or bottom?
- I'm vers.
- So bottom?
- No, I'm vers.
- Okay.
- Look, I can't hook up in toilet.
- No one's gonna come in.
- It's really not my thing.
- No one's gonna come in.
- Shush. Shush.
He's gone.
- Do you want a piss or something before you go?
- No.
- No, look.
You can literally smell shit in here.
- Do you not fancy me?
It's fine.
- Shush.
Let's just get a coffee.
No stress.
- Okay.
- Okay then?
- Okay then.
I'm Kieran. - Benji.
I'll do my belt up then.
- Nearly.
- Now, I am not gonna lie.
He gave me proper fizzy knickers.
But Kieran was escaping just like me.
His troubles sunk a little deeper than mine.
- Go on!
Go on!
- I need another drink.
- No, how much have you drank?
- You drive like this?
- Absolutely. You go to the bar.
I'll do the driving.
- Please. Stop!
- Who the fuck are you?
Fuck off.
- What?
- Fuck off.
Get out.
- He kept pushing away the people he loved,
again and again.
He ends up coming back to mine.
And to be honest, it feels fucking weird
being here with another guy.
- You okay? - Yeah.
- What's wrong? - Nothing.
- You seem a little bit...
- No, I'm just saying
that it'd be nice if we just did stuff together like...
- What? You gonna take me out?
- Yeah. - Where?
Pizza Hut?
- Erm. I actually used to work at Pizza Hut
and it's got a really good salad bar.
- I don't want it like that.
We had an agreement.
We've already talked about this before.
- Right.
- Okay?
We come here, we get a girl.
Just chill.
Just like, just calm down a little bit. All right?
- All I'm trying to say is it's been three-
- Are you having fun?
Are you having a good time, me and you?
- What?
- Are you having a good time? I said, me and you.
- Fucking hell.
What if I meet someone?
- Where are you gonna meet someone?
- What?
- Where are you gonna meet someone?
You don't do anything.
What, are you gonna meet someone better than me?
- I'm sort of still seeing somebody.
So it's all a bit like...
- Ah.
Okay. - Yeah.
- Really?
Cool.
All right, so I think, yeah,
I'll see ya, maybe.
- Have you ever had that moment
when you realized that you might have become the arsehole?
I mean, you're channeling some big dick energy there Benji.
I sometimes wonder if we'd have met when we were younger
if things would've been different.
- Would you rather
have everyone able to hear your thoughts
or you can hear everyone's thoughts in the entire world?
- I can hear everybody else's thoughts.
Would you rather
always scream or always whisper?
- Always scream.
Don't fucking do that to me.
I'm not fucking gay.
You pervert.
- Second thoughts. Maybe not.
I feel like a bit of a prick to be honest.
- No, don't worry about it.
It's okay.
I'll have just have a little five minutes.
- Yeah, so I wanna tell you something. Okay?
- Just became a cycle that I was stuck in
and I'm still stuck in it now and we're not together.
- It's kind of like haunted, isn't it?
This place now.
- I feel like I'm still with him.
Do you know? Like I never, we never broke up.
We were never like officially together but
it feels like I'm still in it.
Like I'm deep in it
and I can't find the way out of it.
And then I can hear my mum from a few weeks ago saying...
- "Stop talking about that dickhead
and find a nice guy."
It's getting late.
- And then I realized
that this is the first time that I've fallen asleep
without drinking in over a year.
- Thanks for that.
So be happy.
Come here.
See ya. - See ya.
I think this is the first time
that I've had someone back and not had sex with them.
We arranged to sit next to each other
on the flight back to Manchester.
I feel a bit giddy.
I'm starting to think that maybe coming here's
helping a little bit.
And then I'll see you in my head and it'll hurt again.
But maybe not as much.
I just keep replaying when it all fell apart.
- Stop filming me, you cunt.
- Hello you mad cunt.
Benji boy.
Guess where I am.
Me and the lads had a fucking wild one
and we are in
Amsterdam
and I know you're here this weekend.
So why don't you come out and meet us?
- Bringing him here
was the worst idea in the world.
- Have a fucking hit have you? It's the fucking weekend.
- I don't want anything.
I told you stop acting like a couple
because we're not.
- The second he met Ryan, his back was up.
It was like he wanted a fight.
- I haven't fucking told anyone anything.
Oi.
- What? Stop fucking touching me.
- Do you wanna go?
- Yeah, you go. Fuck off.
- Hey, you all right here, mate?
You good?
Get the fucking shots in.
- Yeah, I'm happy with that.
Yeah, definitely mate. You good, yeah?
- Toxic masculinity initiated.
I feel like this is the start of a gay porn
that I once watched.
- Right? So I'm thinking strip club first.
I'm thinking brass.
I'm thinking burgers 'cause I'm fucking starving.
And then I'm thinking back to the brass' house.
What does that sound like? Yeah?
Hang on. Sorry.
Wait, are we playing fucking spin the bottle
like we're 12-year-old girls or something?
What? What?
- You know what? I'm gonna go with dare, fuck it.
- Ooh!
- Let's go. Come on. - Big boy.
- All right. All right.
I dare you to piss in the glass and down it.
Big boy!
- Come on.
- Hey, mate. It was a jungle.
- Truth or dare pal.
- You lot are fucking mad. I'll go for a truth.
Fuck that dare shit.
- Oh, seeing as it's my truth.
He said truth. I like that.
Are you two shagging?
- Ooh.
- You got a fucking problem or something?
- I've got no problem here mate.
You're the one with a problem
because I told you didn't I
that these two are defo shagging
but you can't admit it.
- All right, fuck it. Give me a dare.
- I dare you
to kiss one of these boys around this table.
- Hey, mate. Leave it.
- This really fucked me off.
- Whoa!
- If you gonna do it lad, do it properly.
- What the fuck?
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Ah!
- Ah!
- I try and remember
if I've always gone for toxic guys, like
where was the root of it?
I know you.
- Yeah?
From where?
What's this you've got on?
- It's the god of love.
- God of love?
I'm gonna go and get a drink.
Do you want anything?
- Now, this moment here
is a moment where I probably could have got with a
really, really nice guy, but...
- Watch where you're going mate.
Fuck me.
- Now everyone knew
that Louis Jones was an absolute slag.
- All aboard!
- But everyone wanted to sleep with him.
- Here, have a look at this.
Oh fuck me, I'm fit.
Aren't I?
- Yeah.
- You take siv?
- Yeah. - Yeah?
- Yeah. - Get in there then.
- And that was the first time that I got chlamydia.
- It's fucking too much.
When we were in there you're like touching me all the time.
Like you're making out that we're together.
We're not fucking together.
I'm sorry.
- We spent the rest of that trip pretending
everything was all right.
Sometimes I'd look at him
and I'd think I'm so lucky to be with him.
It's pathetic,
but my heart was hurting.
- Just give me some space for a bit.
What do you wanna do tonight then?
- Just dunno.
Going home tomorrow, aren't we, so just...
- Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Have a little blowout.
Get a girl, some weed, some booze.
- I was gonna talk to you about
just like pausing for a bit after this.
Just a little bit.
- What do you mean?
- It's just,
I think about you when we're not together
and I know we've got an arrangement and...
- Where has this all come from?
- I just, I feel like it's getting a bit much for me
to stay in it at the minute
because it's, you know,
you can feel it start fucking up your head
and I just, I don't want to get there with it.
So I think we'll just pause it for now.
I can't even text you when I'm not with you.
So it's...
- Yeah, 'cause we had an agreement,
but like what does that mean?
You mean you,
what, you've got feelings for me? What?
- I'm struggling a bit with it.
- Yeah, but I don't want it.
I don't want that.
I don't want it to end.
Can I just be
brutally honest for a little bit.
When I'm at home,
I've got so much stuff going on,
my mind is a mess.
I'm so fucked up and
I'm not happy
and I don't know what to do to get myself out of it.
But then, when I'm here
and I'm with you,
everything just feels right.
It just feels...
My head just feels calm.
Uber will be here in five minutes.
I can't do next month,
but maybe the next two months?
- Why?
- Just got stuff on.
- What stuff?
- Just stuff.
- Just
completely honest.
Are you seeing someone?
- No.
- No. Look at me.
Are you seeing someone?
- Benji, no.
What are you laughing at?
- Oh, do you know what?
That is the best one yet.
- You love my cringe though, don't you?
- Do I? - Yeah, you do.
- Don't give up the day job yet, will you?
- Give me some good news before I go away.
- Do you know what I was thinking?
- What?
- Why don't I come with you?
- Ah, baby. You'd be bored.
- I'd be bored? - Yeah.
- Bored in Amsterdam?
Come on, I'm sure I can find something
to keep me entertained.
- Well, I'm gonna keep you locked up
so you can't go anywhere.
- Locked up?
Give me a snuggle.
Mm. Love you. - See you later.
I love you too.
- Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Best behavior.
Call me when you get there, yeah?
- I will. - Okay, bye.
It's only me.
Just checking that you've landed and you're all right.
You've not phone me back yet
so I'm just checking that you've landed
and everything's fine.
One day, which day?
- It just depends what happens.
- Sunday or Monday? - I don't know, obviously.
I'll know more when I get there.
- Oh, fucking hell.
This person's phone
is currently unavailable.
Please try later.
- I'm so happy.
No, I've not even told him yet.
- Okay?
Hi.
- Don't touch me - Baby.
- No.
- What's up?
Baby, what's wrong?
- You know what's wrong?
- I don't know what's up. What's wrong?
I've just come back from three days.
I've not seen you in ages.
What's going on?
And a nice hello would be good.
- So why haven't you responded to like
the hundred missed calls that I've given you?
- Baby, you know I've been busy.
- So you've not seen them?
- I've been in and out meetings.
I've been with people constantly.
My phone has been playing up.
- Do you know what annoys me the most?
That you've got no consideration for me at all,
that you've got no care,
that, you know, something could have been wrong with me.
You know, it could have been an emergency. Who knows?
But you don't actually even think?
- Is there anything wrong with you?
You look fine to me.
There's nothing wrong is there?
- You don't even, that's what I mean.
You don't even know the news
and everybody else knows and you don't know
because you couldn't even be arsed to text back
or call back or anything.
- What news? What you talking about?
- I'm pregnant.
- What?
You're pregnant?
- Yeah.
- Baby, this is amazing.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry
but that is amazing.
That is beautiful news.
It was just a mad weekend.
I'm so, so sorry.
Come here. I love you. Please.
- Should we go for some food tomorrow night?
I want to try that new place.
- Can't tomorrow night babe.
- Why not?
- I just got some work stuff.
- Yeah, I meant tomorrow night.
- Yeah, I've got a meeting.
It's...
'Cause of the time difference,
it's gonna start quite late tomorrow, I think.
We'll go another day.
- Okay.
- So have you thought of any names yet?
- Yeah, yeah, I have.
I'm thinking Hugo if it's a boy
and maybe Lisa if it's a girl.
- Oh, that's so cute.
- Jake.
Jake, I think there's something up with the baby.
Please.
- Just saying he's not messaged you in a while, has he?
- No, it's been a few days, but he's really busy.
- Baby, I'm sorry I wasn't there.
- Are you seeing someone else?
I'm not throwing it on you.
I've been saying it for a long time
and I'm done now. - Please.
No, I don't want you to go. - Don't please me anymore.
- Don't leave.
- Don't start this again because this is what you do.
- Baby. It's not my fault that the baby's gone.
It's not my fault. - We've talked about it.
We've talked about it over and over again.
There's nothing else to say.
- Don't walk away.
Just stay with me, please.
- Stay with you for what?
- Just stay, please. - For what?
- I don't want you to go.
Please, I promise I'll be better. Please.
- This is what you do all the time.
No, I can't do this anymore, Jake.
- Just stay with me.
I'll be better, I promise. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- She got pregnant again soon after
and that arsehole still didn't end it with me.
I had no fucking idea.
I don't know what I'd have done if I'd known.
I like to think I would've ended things, but
the last trip together felt different.
We didn't have sex.
We didn't kiss,
didn't touch,
we didn't even really talk.
And the whole time we were walking round,
I don't know, I just kept thinking it,
it felt like an end.
It felt different.
And when we got home and I didn't hear from you,
I did what any logical, rational,
crazy ex would do.
I turned up at your house.
- I don't know about you babe,
but I'm absolutely starving.
You not getting that?
Should we do it with some garlic bread?
- Oh, yeah. That sounds good.
Baby, could you just take the bag.
I'm just gonna make a phone call.
- Yeah, I'll put tea on.
- What the fuck are you doing here?
- Is that your girlfriend?
- Shut the fuck up.
Shut the fuck up.
If you turn up at my house again I'll fucking kill you.
Do you hear me?
Fuck off.
- Jake?
Jake?
What's wrong?
Babe, what's wrong?
- I can't breathe. - What's up with you?
- What do you mean you can't breathe?
What's wrong?
Baby, what's up with you?
Are you okay?
- Please, look at your mother.
Look at me.
Get a grip, all right?
Let them go.
Just let it all go. All right?
- And then he started ignoring my messages
and it fucking hurt.
I started meeting people.
I wanted to be treated like shit.
But none of them were him.
I mean, this guy's not even close.
What are you gonna do to me?
- Yeah? What are you into?
- I want you to tell me what to do.
Dominate me.
- Yeah?
I can be dominant.
Yeah. Yeah.
Was that too hard?
- No. - No.
- What?
- Mate, it's not really working is it.
- Oh, it is. Come on, come on.
Get on the floor. Come on.
- He's blocked me on Instagram.
He's blocked me on Facebook.
Like all the socials.
Fucked off my number.
Like literally, he's not spoke to me now for like
two months.
- Benji, if you don't leave me alone,
I'll call the fucking police.
I'll get a restraining order.
Now, fuck off.
It's embarrassing.
Leaving to have me in your life. You're obsessed.
- We had one last trip booked.
I turned up to the airport.
Yeah, I know it seems crazy,
but I thought he might be there.
And then, I got a location pin from him and
I knew this was the last time that I was ever gonna see him.
So here we are again at the fucking end.
I mean, how did she not know
he was a little bit gay with that car?
- Finally.
Listen.
Mate, you can't just turn up at my house unannounced.
It's not on.
Why are you laughing?
You can't.
I've said that like,
there's certain boundaries and you crossed it.
Mate, I can't.
I can't do this anymore.
Okay?
- Do you know I was sat at the airport today
and I was thinking
so many fucking times, yeah,
that you could have said to me, finish this.
Like, just like,
I don't understand like why you fucking carried this on
and do you know how much this has fucked me up?
- Fucking hell man.
Well, you were having a good time
at the time though, weren't you?
- Well, you fucking used me.
- You used me.
- No, you fucking used me.
- Shut the fuck up.
Fucking shout at me.
Shut the fuck up.
- So when I was at yours, yeah,
the girl that I seen you with...
Yeah, what?
- So like when we first met, were you with her?
- Yes.
- Okay.
So, go on then, what's her name?
- Whose fucking name? - Whose fucking name?
Whose fucking name do you think?
- Olivia.
- So when we used to go away, right?
So you used to be having sex with me, yeah,
you'd fly back and then what?
Would you just go back and fuck her?
So we're just gonna fuck it off then?
- Yeah, mate. Like that's the end of it.
We've had a good time.
And to be honest mate,
you're quite lucky right now
to have come away with me
to like be sitting here right now.
You're in a good position.
Like you've had a good time.
Like, look at you, look at me.
Have you not had a good time?
- Stop fucking calling me mate.
- Like what?
- It's fucking weird.
- Mate, look at yourself.
When I saw you in the airport, I thought,
fucking hell,
he looks like an easy target.
And I was right, wasn't I?
Look at you.
Fucking count yourself lucky.
You've had a good run.
Fuck off.
- Okay.
Good.
- I'm sorry.
When I saw you in the airport that first time
I thought you were a 10
and I still think you're a 10 now.
Right?
But like, what do you expect?
Life doesn't work like this.
I can't just drop everything
and run off with you into the sunset.
It don't work like that.
I can't just...
I've got so much stuff going on right now
and I can't just walk away from them.
Can I?
I can't just abandon them.
I'm sorry.
- And then you feel it,
your body ready to purge all of that negative energy,
to make you feel like you again.
- They say the best way to move forward
is to go back and I think they're right.
So thanks
for going back with me.
- What the actual fuck!
Fuck you screenwriter above my head.
- Oh, thank you. Ta.
Shall we watch this.
- See you later.
All right.
- Hi.
- Nearly didn't make it.
- Well, you're here aren't you?
- Yeah.
- I was gonna say
it was really nice meeting you and
you know, apart from all this noise,
I'm not listening to anything.
It's just trying to drown that out but
I was thinking maybe, potentially,
we could maybe do something when we get back.
- Yeah. Nice. - Fancy that?
- Yeah, definitely.
- Some very nice Nozeco.
- Some...
- Some Italian food, maybe?
- Are you asking me out?
- No.
- Oh, right.
- I just...
- I'll go sit over there then
with the crying baby if you want.
- Oh, no. Hey, do you want these?
I feel sorry for,
for everyone.
- You're not listening to them on this flight.
And then you realize that you're ready to depart.
That you're ready to start it all over again.
But this time it has to be better because
no one wants a fucking sequel.
- Just before you go,
here's one last Snow White and the Huntsman fantasy.
To be honest,
we just wanted to make a fucking musical number.