Well, we all know why we're here.
Do we?
Don't we?
- I don't. - Do you?
Well, I'm here to...
No - why he's here...
Okay, gentlemen.
Some clarification.
We're all here to discuss your late grandmother,
Dorothy Pamela Elizabeth Woodley's
estate.
Right, okay, so, again...
Why is he here?
Well, a month ago, Mrs Woodley
updated her final wishes.
Does my dad know about this?
Yes, your father's been informed,
but as you know, he doesn't live in the country.
- Yes, I'm actually well aware. - And hasn't for ten years.
Oh, we're keeping a tally.
So, I am the sole executor of your grandmother's will.
Right, I understand all that, but...
updating it...
now...
all of a sudden...
Bit suspish, no?
I mean...
she was obviously losing her marbles.
I can assure you that Mrs Woodley's marbles
were very much intact.
Excuse me, Mr Dickie.
Just Dickie.
Sorry, Dickie...
I'm just...
Was just a friend.
I don't... I'm not here to...
Oh, come on, do you really expect us to believe
that you're... - Gentlemen!
Please...
Out of respect for your grandmother,
I suggest that you listen...
very carefully.
"I devise and bequeath my property,
both real and personal and wherever situated
as follows..."
- Say it, Tom. - I'm also in love with Philip.
- Philip? - Yes, Philip.
Who's Philip?
Philip, the milkman.
I'm so sorry, Jessica.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
I'm coming!
- Yes? - Sorry to bother you,
my football went into your garden, I think.
You think?
Or it did?
I think it did.
It either did, or it didn't.
It sort of went in on an angle, so it could've gone next door.
I see.
And who's to blame for this lousy shot?
That would be me.
Could you open a tin of prunes
better than you can kick a ball?
Well, you'd better come in.
You'll have to ignore the mess, I'm afraid.
Cleaning is not how one intends to spend one's final days.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
For what?
That you're...
Oh, I'm not dying.
Well, not just yet.
Though, at 87, I suspect it won't be too long.
I suppose at your age,
you don't really think about it.
Well, I don't particularly think about death much.
It's the getting there that's tedious.
Go through.
And the thought of having some stranger have to wipe your...
Good grief, is it that time already?
I must have these every day,
otherwise, my bowels go into a complete standstill.
Oh, my!
You're a dream.
I mean, really.
Muscles of steel, look at you.
Thank you, uh...
JJ.
JJ...
So handsome they named you twice.
I must get that key...
I rarely use it these days.
Honestly, I don't remember the last time I went into my garden.
Good job, really,
if random balls keep coming through my back door.
Goodness, it is overgrown here.
You know, I haven't been out here for ages.
The birds, do you hear them?
So lovely.
Good grief, is it March already?
Must get some bird seed, they really do need feeding.
It's mating season, you see.
So they're all just bonking.
The birds.
That's all they do.
Bonk.
They've turned my loft into a knocking shop.
I, I should go.
But I've only just put the kettle on.
Oh...
Sorry.
One should never apologise
for an interest in literature.
I've been collecting plays for...
goodness, well over 50 years.
My late husband and I always supported the arts, you see.
Donating to various theatres.
Helping young actors through RADA.
RADA?
The Royal Academy.
Drama school.
The very best there is, actually.
I do drama at school.
Oh, a budding actor.
Oh, no, no, no, it's...
just a, uh... - A what?
A hobby.
A hobby?
Knitting's a hobby, or being a life model.
Oh, although I don't know why anybody would want
to have their fanny drawn.
But... treading the boards...
It's not something I think about as a...
you know...
career.
My, my parents want me to be a footballer.
A footballer?
Like my brother.
The fact that your ball
is currently nestling in my wisteria
doesn't bode well.
I mean, really?
Read something for me.
- Really? - Please.
Anything.
That black book, in the middle.
Fetch it.
What's it about?
It follows a group of young men,
in New York, in the 80s,
during that terrible pandemic.
All 'friends of Dorothy'.
Who's Dorothy?
Dorothy, from The Wizard of Oz.
Played by Judy Garland.
You've heard of Judy Garland?
Blimey O'Reilly.
Oh, okay, well...
In the film, Dorothy has a group of friends, male friends.
They're all...
a bit...
different.
Right...
Try it from there.
Well, go on.
Finally...
after years of fighting against it...
after a lifetime of shame...
to hold you in my arms...
delighting in his body...
in your smell...
in my skin...
in your warm breath...
on my shoulder.
I love you,
Henry.
And to know the peace that comes from finally telling the truth...
about yourself...
about your heart.
Fucking hell.
I've got to go.
Wait a minute!
Wait!
Maybe there's a play you'd like to borrow?
Good.
It's in your bag.
See you same time tomorrow for pruning?
I didn't get your name.
It's Dorothy.
She'd come again,
and with a greedy ear,
devour up my discourse.
...'twas passing strange,
'twas pitiful.
We're not interested.
Is that you, JJ?
I was just dusting my books.
You need a cleaner, Dozza.
I keep telling you. - I don't want somebody
rummaging around my unmentionables.
This is Scott, my grandson.
So, you're a friend of Dorothy?
Ah, uh, uh...
JJ's a gift from the gods.
He's been a huge help to me.
- Oh yeah? - He wants to be an actor.
I bet he does.
So, you, uh, come round here often?
Every day.
Every day!
Wow!
Besties, then.
More than I can say about you and your father.
And uh, you have actual friends?
- What? - You know.
Friends your own age.
What's age got to do with the price of squid?
It's fish.
What's fish?
You said 'squid'.
Who gives a...
Yep.
Fuck me up the bum!
You're actually joking.
Oh, you're not, actually?
Uh, yeah, I'm literally on my actual way.
- Good news? - I've got to run.
No more dusting your bloody books.
And uh, think about the place that shall not be nameth.
What place is he talking about?
A place one goes to when one can't wipe one's own arse
anymore.
For your information, I am not at that stage yet.
But...
you see, JJ, when one gets to my age,
one becomes a... a burden, of sorts.
People don't realise you still have a soul
that needs to be nourished.
I don't mind being alone.
But I do need company,
and companionship.
Most people my age die alone, undiscovered,
for weeks, months even.
My neighbour, Ian, was found naked,
face down in a bowl of alphabetti spaghetti.
Why was he naked?
I don't really know!
Um, that's neither here nor there.
The point is that after my husband died,
my son moved to the other side of the world
to live his life.
And sadly, through the years,
he made...
no space for me in it.
He no longer knows who I truly am.
Maybe he never did.
So, he sends...
dear Scott to fill in the gaps.
I'm nearly 87, JJ,
and having you here,
helping me with my daily comings and goings,
and I don't just mean my bowels.
No one could possibly imagine
what it means to someone like me.
My...
my body...
...is failing me.
But my mind...
You've...
made it...
live again.
You see me.
Yes.
That's it.
Perhaps you are the first person...
ever...
truly...
to see me.
And you see me.
"To my son, Peter Woodley, I give my residential home
at 1 Martlett Avenue, absolutely.
To my grandson, Scott Woodley,
I give the sum of £50,000."
Oh, thank Christ for that.
Bloody hell, you actually had me worried there.
God.
Well, go on.
What's he nabbed, then?
"To JJ Bello,
I give my entire play collection,
most importantly,
my copy of The Inheritance
by Matthew Lopez.
Oh, for God's sake, all this bloody fuss over some dusty old books.
Typical Dozza, always bringing the theatrics, eh?
Right? Well, if there's nothing else, I've got to skedaddle.
Nice doing business with you both.
Well, obviously not actual business, but,
you know...
Thank you.
Oh, JJ, Dorothy left a note
saying you might need to revisit Act 2, Scene 1.
Whatever that means.