‫[ Cheers and applause ]
‫Ladies and gentlemen, this ‫is Sabrina carpenter. ‫[ Cheering ]
‫Is Sabrina carpenter. ‫[ Cheering ] ‫This is the one and only Paul
‫[ cheering ] ‫This is the one and only Paul ‫Simon.
‫[ Cheering ]
‫I sang this song with George
‫[ cheering ] ‫I sang this song with George ‫Harrison on "Saturday night
‫live" in 1976.
‫I was not born then, and
‫neither were my parents.
‫[ Laughter ]
‫Neither were my parents. ‫[ Laughter ] ‫I'm glad they're getting a
‫[ laughter ] ‫I'm glad they're getting a ‫chance to hear it tonight.
‫♪♪ ‫♪ sitting in the railway ‫station, ticket for my
‫destination ♪
‫♪ on a tour of
‫one-night stands
‫my suitcase and
‫guitar in hand ♪
‫♪ and every stop
‫is neatly planned
‫for a poet and
‫a one-man band ♪
‫♪ homeward bound
‫I wish I was
‫homeward bound ♪
‫♪ home, where my
‫thought's escaping
‫home, where my
‫music's playing ♪
‫♪ home, where my
‫love lies waiting
‫silently for me ♪
‫♪ every day's
‫an endless stream
‫of cigarettes
‫airport lounges and magazines ♪
‫♪ and each town
‫looks the same to me
‫the movies and
‫the factories ♪
‫♪ and every stranger's
‫face I see
‫remind me that ♪
‫♪ I long to be
‫homeward bound ♪
‫♪ I wish I was
‫homeward bound ♪
‫♪ home, where my
‫thought's escaping
‫home, where my
‫music's playing ♪
‫♪ home, where my
‫love lies waiting
‫silently for me ♪
‫♪♪ ‫♪ tonight I'll sing ‫my songs again
‫I'll play the game
‫and pretend ♪
‫♪ but all my words come back to
‫me in shades of mediocrity ♪
‫♪ but all my words come ‫back to me in shades
‫of mediocrity ♪ ♪ like ‫emptiness and Harmony, I
‫me in shades of ‫mediocrity ♪ ♪ like emptiness
‫and Harmony, I need ‫someone to comfort me ♪
‫♪ like emptiness and Harmony, I ‫need someone to comfort me ♪ ‫homeward bound ♪
‫♪ I wish I was home
‫home, where my
‫thought's escaping ♪
‫♪ home, where my
‫music's playing
‫home, where my love
‫lies waiting ♪
‫♪ silently for me
‫silently for me ♪♪
‫♪ silently for me ♪
‫♪ silently for me ♪♪
‫[ Cheers and applause ]
‫♪♪ ‫it's the "Saturday night ‫live" 50th anniversary special,
‫it's the "Saturday ‫night live" 50th
‫anniversary special, with ‫musical guests Paul Simon
‫live" 50th anniversary special, ‫with musical guests Paul Simon ‫and Sabrina carpenter!
‫With musical guests Paul Simon ‫and Sabrina carpenter! ‫♪♪ Miley Cyrus and Brittany
‫Howard, Lil Wayne and the roots,
‫roots.
‫And Paul McCartney.
‫Roots. ‫And Paul McCartney. ‫♪♪ ladies and gentlemen, Steve
‫and Paul McCartney. ‫♪♪ ladies and gentlemen, Steve ‫Martin!
‫♪♪ ‫[ Cheers and applause ] ‫good evening, and welcome to
‫[ cheers and applause ] ‫Good evening, and welcome to ‫the 50th anniversary of
‫good evening, and welcome to ‫the 50th anniversary of ‫"Saturday night live."
‫The 50th anniversary of ‫"Saturday night live." ‫[ Cheering ]
‫I'm Steve Martin, "Saturday
‫[ cheering ] ‫I'm Steve Martin, "Saturday ‫night live's" newest diversity
‫hire.
‫Night live's" newest diversity ‫hire. ‫What a thrill it is to be here.
‫Hire. ‫What a thrill it is to be here. ‫When I heard "snl" wanted to do
‫what a thrill it is to be ‫here. When I heard "snl"
‫wanted to do an ‫anniversary special, I wanted
‫when I heard "snl" wanted to do ‫an anniversary special, I wanted ‫to leap in the air.
‫An anniversary special, I wanted ‫to leap in the air. ‫And the only reason I didn't is
‫because at the time, I was
‫and the only reason I didn't is ‫because at the time, I was ‫wearing a short skirt with no
‫underwear.
‫Wearing a short skirt with no ‫underwear. ‫I can't believe I made it here
‫in time.
‫It was only a few days ago that
‫lorne told me I was doing the
‫it was only a few days ‫ago that lorne told me
‫I was doing the monologue, ‫and I was actually
‫lorne told me I was ‫doing the monologue, and
‫I was actually vacationing ‫on a friend's boat
‫monologue, and I was actually ‫vacationing on a friend's boat ‫down in the Gulf of Steve
‫Martin.
‫Down in the Gulf of Steve ‫Martin. ‫[ Laughter ]
‫But finally, it took me a while
‫[ laughter ] ‫But finally, it took me a while ‫to get here, but I did.
‫"Saturday night live," as you
‫know, turned 50 years old this
‫year, and I turned 79.
‫Know, turned 50 years old this ‫year, and I turned 79. ‫[ Applause ]
‫Year, and I turned 79. ‫[ Applause ] ‫But I feel like I'm 65, which is
‫[ applause ] ‫But I feel like I'm 65, which is ‫also not good.
‫Now seriously, I do not mind
‫getting older.
‫Do you think these hearing aids
‫make my ass look smaller?
‫I do.
‫Make my ass look smaller? ‫I do. ‫I'm still learning about life.
‫Actually, my wife, who is a very
‫I'm still learning ‫about life. Actually, my
‫wife, who is a very smart, ‫wise person, taught me
‫actually, my wife, who is a very ‫smart, wise person, taught me ‫something the other day.
‫Smart, wise person, taught me ‫something the other day. ‫She sat me down, and she said,
‫"Steve, you know, babies don't
‫she sat me down, and she said, ‫"Steve, you know, babies don't ‫get sarcasm."
‫And I realized I'd been wasting
‫my time going up to strollers in
‫and I realized I'd been ‫wasting my time going up
‫to strollers in the street ‫saying, "oh, what a
‫my time going up to strollers in ‫the street saying, "oh, what a ‫cute baby!"
‫The street saying, "oh, what a ‫cute baby!" ‫Whoa.
‫Cute baby!" ‫Whoa. ‫[ Laughter ]
‫Now, a fun fact.
‫A person born during first
‫now, a fun fact. ‫A person born during first ‫season of "Saturday night live"
‫a person born during first ‫season of "Saturday night live" ‫could today be easily dead of
‫natural causes.
‫Could today be easily dead of ‫natural causes. ‫[ Laughter ]
‫Natural causes. ‫[ Laughter ] ‫Now you're going to see a lot of
‫[ laughter ] ‫Now you're going to see a lot of ‫familiar things tonight.
‫Now you're going ‫to see a lot of familiar
‫things tonight. Musical ‫guests, sketches, cameo
‫familiar things tonight. ‫Musical guests, sketches, cameo ‫appearances, the news.
‫And this is the monologue.
‫Appearances, the news. ‫And this is the monologue. ‫Traditionally, the weakest part
‫and this is the monologue. ‫Traditionally, the weakest part ‫of the show.
‫Yes, the monologue is like a
‫rent-controlled tenant.
‫It's not going anywhere, even
‫though it stinks.
‫And there are so many members of
‫the "snl" family here tonight.
‫And there are so many ‫members of the "snl" family
‫here tonight. The ‫great bill Murray is here.
‫The "snl" family here tonight. ‫The great bill Murray is here. ‫[ Applause ]
‫We wanted to make sure bill
‫[ applause ] ‫We wanted to make sure bill ‫would be here tonight so we
‫we wanted to make sure bill ‫would be here tonight so we ‫didn't invite him.
‫Would be here tonight so we ‫didn't invite him. ‫[ Laughter ]
‫Didn't invite him. ‫[ Laughter ] ‫And David letterman is here.
‫[ Applause ]
‫Wow.
‫Dave, thanks for leaving the
‫wow. ‫Dave, thanks for leaving the ‫sheep at home.
‫And we can't forget the writers
‫who have always been the heart
‫and we can't forget the writers ‫who have always been the heart ‫and soul of "snl."
‫Who have always been the heart ‫and soul of "snl." ‫In fact, let's please have the
‫great writers from the past 50
‫in fact, let's please ‫have the great writers
‫from the past 50 years ‫stand up and take a bow.
‫Great writers from the past 50 ‫years stand up and take a bow. ‫[ Cheers and applause ]
‫Years stand up and take a bow. ‫[ Cheers and applause ] ‫By the way, that tribute to the
‫[ cheers and applause ] ‫By the way, that tribute to the ‫writers was written by ai.
‫[ Laughter ]
‫Writers was written by ai. ‫[ Laughter ] ‫Oh my god!
‫John mulaney!
‫I didn't know you were going to
‫be here.
‫You would if you'd ever come
‫to rehearsal.
‫By the way, congratulations on
‫your Emmy win.
‫Nope.
‫Your Emmy win. ‫Nope. ‫Emmy nomination.
‫Nope.
‫Grammy win?
‫Nope.
‫Grammy nomination.
‫Nope.
‫Golden globe win?
‫Nope.
‫Golden globe nomination?
‫Yes, sir, and thank you.
‫You know, we writers really
‫yes, sir, and thank ‫you. >> You know, we
‫writers really appreciated ‫that tribute, but I
‫you know, we writers ‫really appreciated that
‫tribute, but I believe ‫the heart and soul of
‫appreciated that tribute, but I ‫believe the heart and soul of ‫this show is the celebrity
‫hosts.
‫This show is the celebrity ‫hosts. ‫Many of whom are in this room
‫tonight.
‫You know, as I look around, I
‫see some of the most difficult
‫you know, as I look ‫around, I see some of the
‫most difficult people ‫I have ever met in my
‫see some of the most difficult ‫people I have ever met in my ‫entire life.
‫People I have ever met in my ‫entire life. ‫Over the course of 50 years, 894
‫people have hosted "Saturday
‫over the course of 50 ‫years, 894 people have
‫hosted "Saturday night ‫live," and it amazes me
‫people have hosted "Saturday ‫night live," and it amazes me ‫that only two of them have
‫committed murder.
‫That only two of them have ‫committed murder. ‫[ Laughter ]
‫Committed murder. ‫[ Laughter ] ‫Each week, each week a new
‫[ laughter ] ‫Each week, each week a new ‫celebrity host comes in with
‫each week, each week a new ‫celebrity host comes in with ‫their own dynamic and they throw
‫everything off.
‫Their own dynamic and they throw ‫everything off. ‫But not you, Steve, because you
‫have no dynamic.
‫Thank you.
‫Have no dynamic. ‫Thank you. ‫[ Laughter ]
‫Oh my god!
‫[ Applause ]
‫Ladies and gentlemen, the
‫[ applause ] ‫Ladies and gentlemen, the ‫only Canadian who wasn't in
‫ladies and gentlemen, the ‫only Canadian who wasn't in ‫"schitt's creek," Martin short.
‫Only Canadian who ‫wasn't in "schitt's creek,"
‫Martin short. >> Wait ‫a second, I thought we
‫"schitt's creek," Martin short. ‫Wait a second, I thought we ‫were hosting together.
‫Do you have your passport
‫with you?
‫No.
‫With you? ‫No. ‫I.C.E., get him!
‫No!
‫I.c.e., get him! ‫No! ‫I'll cooperate!
‫Don't take me.
‫I'll name names.
‫Mike Myers, Jim carrey!
‫Damn you, you white-haired son
‫of a bitch!
‫[ Cheers and applause ]
‫Of a bitch! ‫[ Cheers and applause ] ‫Marty and I have been working
‫[ cheers and applause ] ‫Marty and I have been working ‫together so long that we can
‫Marty and I have ‫been working together so
‫long that we can ‫actually finish each other's
‫together so long that we can ‫actually finish each other's ‫careers.
‫Actually finish each other's ‫careers. ‫[ Laughter ]
‫Careers. ‫[ Laughter ] ‫I hope you are enjoying my
‫[ laughter ] ‫I hope you are enjoying my ‫monologue tonight.
‫But if you aren't enjoying it...
‫Monologue tonight. ‫But if you aren't enjoying it... ‫♪♪
‫maybe you should get up and take
‫a good look at yourself in the
‫maybe you should get ‫up and take a good look at
‫yourself in the mirror ‫and say to yourself, what
‫a good look at yourself in the ‫mirror and say to yourself, what ‫have I become?
‫Mirror and say to yourself, what ‫have I become? ‫This can't be Steve's fault.
‫Have I become? ‫This can't be Steve's fault. ‫And ask yourselves,
‫this can't be Steve's fault. ‫And ask yourselves, ‫when did I abandon joy?
‫And what can I bring to the
‫monologue as an audience member
‫and what can I bring to the ‫monologue as an audience member ‫next time.
‫Monologue as an audience member ‫next time. ‫All right, we've got a great
‫show tonight.
‫[ Cheers and applause ]
‫Show tonight. ‫[ Cheers and applause ] ‫We have a great show.
‫Paul Simon was here, Sabrina
‫we have a great show. ‫Paul Simon was here, Sabrina ‫carpenter was here, bill Murray
‫Paul Simon was here, ‫Sabrina carpenter was
‫here, bill Murray was ‫here, David letterman was
‫carpenter was here, bill ‫Murray was here, David
‫letterman was here, ‫John mulaney was here,
‫was here, David letterman was ‫here, John mulaney was here, ‫Martin short, it's called
‫front-loading.
‫And we'll be back.
‫Front-loading. ‫And we'll be back. ‫Thank you.
‫♪
‫it's an American institution. ‫Streaming now on peacock.
‫This is pbs. ‫Thank you, thank you. ‫What a wonderful evening filled
‫thank you, thank you. ‫What a wonderful evening filled ‫with so much whimsy and wonder.
‫What a wonderful ‫evening filled with so much
‫whimsy and wonder. And ‫please give another big hand
‫with so much whimsy and ‫wonder. And please give
‫another big hand to ‫florian trunt, our body
‫and please give another big hand ‫to florian trunt, our body ‫contortionist.
‫To florian trunt, our body ‫contortionist. ‫I am stuck.
‫Contortionist. ‫I am stuck. ‫Is it me or did his mouth get
‫dangerously close to his Fanny
‫is it me or did his mouth get ‫dangerously close to his Fanny ‫cheeks?
‫Dangerously close to his Fanny ‫cheeks? ‫Any way, our next act is no
‫stranger to the stage, all the
‫any way, our next act ‫is no stranger to the
‫stage, all the way ‫from the finger lakes, it's
‫stranger to the stage, all the ‫way from the finger lakes, it's ‫sisters.
‫Way from the finger lakes, it's ‫sisters. ‫You know what they say about the
‫finger lakes.
‫First you might one finger, but
‫soon you'll be asking for all
‫first you might one finger, but ‫soon you'll be asking for all ‫five.
‫Soon you'll be asking for all ‫five. ‫Tonight a special guest, he is
‫the handsome young dark-haired
‫tonight a special guest, ‫he is the handsome
‫young dark-haired ‫alcoholic everyone has been
‫the handsome young dark-haired ‫alcoholic everyone has been ‫talking about, it's Robert
‫goulet.
‫Talking about, it's Robert ‫goulet. ‫♪♪
‫Goulet. ‫♪♪ ‫♪ Robert goulet.
‫[ Applause ]
‫Hi, everyone, it's me, Robert
‫[ applause ] ‫Hi, everyone, it's me, Robert ‫goulet.
‫You like my motor horseys?
‫Goulet. ‫You like my motor horseys? ‫Just rolled in from a rally in
‫you like my motor horseys? ‫Just rolled in from a rally in ‫sturgis, south Dakota.
‫100 miles per hour, no bathroom
‫breaks, no time to stop.
‫You know the rest.
‫Breaks, no time to stop. ‫You know the rest. ‫Now let's get to those golden
‫you know the rest. ‫Now let's get to those golden ‫goulet pipes.
‫♪ need some warm and company to
‫get me through the day ♪
‫♪ it's been so long just me and
‫me, no woman just goulet ♪
‫♪ it's been so long just ‫me and me, no woman
‫just goulet ♪ ♪ if I ‫don't see a woman soon,
‫me, no woman just goulet ♪ ‫♪ if I don't see a woman soon, ‫no telling what I'll do ♪
‫♪ so got to deliver a woman or
‫three or two ♪
‫♪♪
‫♪ ow, ow, oh my god ♪
‫did they put LSD in my Caesar
‫salad or do I see three
‫beautiful ladies hitchhiking my
‫way.
‫Beautiful ladies hitchhiking my ‫way. ‫Hi, traveler!
‫Way. ‫Hi, traveler! ‫[ Applause ]
‫♪ we want a ride ♪
‫[ applause ] ‫♪ we want a ride ♪ ‫♪ we'd love to it is right by
‫your side ♪
‫♪ and then we hope you will
‫decide, which one of US will be
‫your bride ♪
‫[ Cheering ]
‫Your bride ♪ ‫[ Cheering ] ‫Whoa, volume!
‫Put that in my breath.
‫And did you say "bride"?
‫Caesar salad first.
‫Callback.
‫I don't even know your names.
‫Well, that's easy.
‫I'm Janet.
‫Oh, Janet.
‫I'm Holly.
‫Like the bush.
‫I'm Margaret.
‫You sure.
‫And I'm dooneese.
‫[ Cheers and applause ]
‫[ Honking ]
‫Forehead!
‫Sorry, sorry.
‫I meant to say forehead.
‫Nope, did it again.
‫One more time.
‫Forehead.
‫Just think.
‫♪ sisters cute as cute can be,
‫just think. ‫♪ sisters cute as cute can be, ‫soon you'll fall for one of US
‫three ♪
‫♪ we keep forgetting mom had
‫four ♪
‫♪ I came out of a different
‫hole ♪
‫[ Laughter ]
‫Hole ♪ ‫[ Laughter ] ‫If your trying to do the math
‫[ laughter ] ‫If your trying to do the math ‫on that one, if you're trying to
‫if your trying to do ‫the math on that one, if
‫you're trying to think ‫of the hole it should be,
‫on that one, if you're ‫trying to think of the
‫hole it should be, it's ‫the one behind that.
‫Think of the hole it should be, ‫it's the one behind that. ‫Okay, gunshot.
‫It's the one behind that. ‫Okay, gunshot. ‫♪ men get lonely on a long cold
‫okay, gunshot. ‫♪ men get lonely on a long cold ‫night ♪
‫♪ you can count on US to hold
‫you tight.
‫♪ You can count on US to hold ‫you tight. ‫♪ your girlfriend ♪
‫I'll be lover ♪
‫♪ I'll be your sweetheart ♪
‫♪ I'll be just like this ♪
‫♪♪ ‫can you come over here? ‫I want to talk to you in
‫private.
‫No, no, not those privates.
‫Private. ‫No, no, not those privates. ‫There is nothing to hear down
‫no, no, not those privates. ‫There is nothing to hear down ‫there, believe me.
‫Just go.
‫There, believe me. ‫Just go. ‫Jesus the heck.
‫Let's wrap this bastard up.
‫I'll sing.
‫♪ I don't know how to choose
‫normally I'm full of booze ♪
‫♪ just not sure how I feel,
‫let's try to seal the deal ♪
‫♪ with a kiss ♪
‫oh, now we're talking.
‫♪ With a kiss ♪ ‫oh, now we're talking. ‫♪ with a snuggle.
‫Oh, now we're talking. ‫♪ with a snuggle. ‫Finally, some comfort.
‫♪ With a snuggle. ‫Finally, some comfort. ‫♪ with a tickle ♪
‫finally, some comfort. ‫♪ with a tickle ♪ ‫♪ you'll find out ♪
‫what is happening?
‫♪ You'll find out ♪ ‫what is happening? ‫Oh.
‫What is happening? ‫Oh. ‫That reminds me, I need to get
‫oh. ‫That reminds me, I need to get ‫some oral surgery done soon.
‫I got... I don't hate it.
‫Some oral surgery done soon. ‫I got... I don't hate it. ‫I don't hate it.
‫I can't believe I'm saying this,
‫but I think I love you.
‫Yes.
‫But I think I love you. ‫Yes. ‫I love you.
‫There is nothing you could say
‫that would change my mind.
‫There is nothing you ‫could say that would
‫change my mind. ♪ a bird ‫in my mouth and I went
‫that would change ‫my mind. ♪ a bird in my
‫mouth and I went to the ‫movies and I laughed at
‫♪ a bird in my mouth ‫and I went to the movies
‫and I laughed at the ‫movies and the bird flew
‫to the movies and I laughed at ‫the movies and the bird flew ‫out, but the bird choked on
‫popcorn and I gave it cpr, and
‫out, but the bird choked ‫on popcorn and I gave
‫it cpr, and the bird ‫flew away and I caught
‫popcorn and I gave it cpr, and ‫the bird flew away and I caught ‫it and ate it wrong.
‫The bird flew away and I caught ‫it and ate it wrong. ‫Is that bad?
‫It and ate it wrong. ‫Is that bad? ‫Doo doo doo.
‫Wow, to think I almost picked
‫doo doo doo. ‫Wow, to think I almost picked ‫Kim Kardashian.
‫Isn't love wonderful?
‫And by wonderful, I mean
‫isn't love wonderful? ‫And by wonderful, I mean ‫visually offending.
‫And thanks once again to three
‫of the four maharelle sisters.
‫And thanks once again ‫to three of the four
‫maharelle sisters. >> ‫Denise, I got a motorcycle
‫of the four maharelle sisters. ‫Denise, I got a motorcycle ‫helmet made for you.
‫Tonight's show brought to you
‫by stuff toer's community
‫tonight's show brought to you ‫by stuff toer's community ‫breakfast, and Dr. Wilson.
‫By stuff toer's community ‫breakfast, and Dr. Wilson. ‫We'll be right back.
‫Breakfast, and Dr. Wilson. ‫We'll be right back. ‫[ Cheers and applause ]
‫♪♪ ‫ladies and gentlemen. ‫Talk about a live show!
‫Ladies and gentlemen. ‫Talk about a live show! ‫This is black jeopardy!
‫[ Cheering ]
‫Yeah, all right, what up?
‫What up, what up?
‫Welcome to black jeopardy, the
‫what up, what up? ‫Welcome to black jeopardy, the ‫only jeopardy where every single
‫welcome to black jeopardy, the ‫only jeopardy where every single ‫viewer fully understood
‫only jeopardy where ‫every single viewer fully
‫understood Kendrick's ‫halftime performance.
‫Viewer fully understood ‫Kendrick's halftime performance. ‫I'm your host, Darnell Hayes.
‫Kendrick's halftime ‫performance. I'm your host,
‫Darnell Hayes. Today's ‫contestants is shalice.
‫I'm your host, Darnell Hayes. ‫Today's contestants is shalice. ‫Hi!
‫Darius, come on, now.
‫[ Applause ]
‫Oh, and look at this, Tracy
‫[ applause ] ‫Oh, and look at this, Tracy ‫Morgan, big dog's going to make
‫oh, and look at this, Tracy ‫Morgan, big dog's going to make ‫the big money.
‫[ Cheers and applause ]
‫The big money. ‫[ Cheers and applause ] ‫Now wait a minute, Tracy,
‫[ cheers and applause ] ‫Now wait a minute, Tracy, ‫don't you already have a lot of
‫now wait a minute, Tracy, ‫don't you already have a lot of ‫money?
‫Don't you already have a lot of ‫money? ‫You got to have a lot of money
‫if you live like I live.
‫I eat four-cheese lasagna.
‫If you live like I live. ‫I eat four-cheese lasagna. ‫If they only got three cheeses,
‫I ain't eating it.
‫Okay.
‫We hear you, Tracy Morgan.
‫I refuse to ingest three
‫we hear you, Tracy Morgan. ‫I refuse to ingest three ‫cheeses.
‫You're at four cheeses.
‫Cheeses. ‫You're at four cheeses. ‫We got Tracy Morgan.
‫Thank you.
‫All right.
‫Let's take a look at our
‫all right. ‫Let's take a look at our ‫categories.
‫We've got look here, this joker
‫talking about, leave bronny
‫we've got look here, ‫this joker talking about,
‫leave bronny alone, ‫man, live from New York,
‫talking about, leave bronny ‫alone, man, live from New York, ‫and as always, white people.
‫Alone, man, live from New York, ‫and as always, white people. ‫All right.
‫And as always, white people. ‫All right. ‫Shalice, you're our returning
‫all right. ‫Shalice, you're our returning ‫champion, so you pick.
‫Let's go with look here for
‫honey.
‫Okay.
‫Honey. ‫Okay. ‫Your 11-year-old is asking for
‫okay. ‫Your 11-year-old is asking for ‫something while you're on the
‫your 11-year-old is asking for ‫something while you're on the ‫phone.
‫Something while you're on the ‫phone. ‫What is look here!
‫Phone. ‫What is look here! ‫You this close.
‫This close.
‫That's right.
‫That is right.
‫[ Applause ]
‫That's exactly right.
‫Yep.
‫Get a little close to see
‫yep. ‫Get a little close to see ‫what happens.
‫Exactly.
‫What happens. ‫Exactly. ‫All right.
‫Pick again.
‫Let's go with maaannn for
‫pick again. ‫Let's go with maaannn for ‫300.
‫Answer there, there is 30
‫some people at the park wearing
‫answer there, there is 30 ‫some people at the park wearing ‫the same red t-shirt.
‫Some people at the park wearing ‫the same red t-shirt. ‫Darius?
‫The same red t-shirt. ‫Darius? ‫What is man, that's just the
‫Jansen family reunion.
‫That's right.
‫Got a picture of a tree or
‫that's right. ‫Got a picture of a tree or ‫something.
‫I don't know.
‫Something. ‫I don't know. ‫Speaking of family, Darius,
‫Tracy, y'all seem like you might
‫speaking of family, Darius, ‫Tracy, y'all seem like you might ‫be related.
‫Well, James Earl Jones is my
‫biological father.
‫James Earl Jones impregnated my
‫mother on the said of
‫"claudine."
‫Mother on the said of ‫"claudine." ‫You know what?
‫"Claudine." ‫you know what? ‫We might be related.
‫You know what? ‫We might be related. ‫I don't see it.
‫You know what?
‫Let's just move on.
‫Darius, it's still your pick.
‫Okay, let's go with live from
‫New York for honeys.
‫Okay.
‫The answer there, this legendary
‫okay. ‫The answer there, this legendary ‫late night show created some of
‫the answer there, this legendary ‫late night show created some of ‫comedy's biggest stars.
‫Late night show created some of ‫comedy's biggest stars. ‫It's a skit comedy show, been on
‫for a long time.
‫Darius?
‫For a long time. ‫Darius? ‫What is "in living color"?
‫No, no, I'm sorry.
‫I think y'all know this, though.
‫As kids, you probably stayed up
‫I think y'all know this, ‫though. As kids, you
‫probably stayed up late ‫on Saturday to watch.
‫As kids, you probably stayed up ‫late on Saturday to watch. ‫Tracy?
‫Late on Saturday to watch. ‫Tracy? ‫What is "showtime at the
‫Apollo."
‫[ Buzzer ]
‫Featuring sandman Simms.
‫[ Buzzer ]
‫No.
‫Come on, y'all really don't
‫no. ‫Come on, y'all really don't ‫know?
‫Hosted by Steve Harvey?
‫Know? ‫Hosted by Steve Harvey? ‫Again, no.
‫Let me hear you say yeah.
‫This is not that.
‫Oh, my gosh.
‫Chenice?
‫Okay.
‫Of course, this show has been on
‫okay. ‫Of course, this show has been on ‫every Saturday for years, right,
‫of course, this show has been on ‫every Saturday for years, right, ‫Darnell?
‫Every Saturday for years, right, ‫Darnell? ‫Yes.
‫And it's got a host and a
‫yes. ‫And it's got a host and a ‫musical guest, right?
‫Yes.
‫Musical guest, right? ‫Yes. ‫Okay, okay.
‫Can I say the famous catchphrase
‫okay, okay. ‫Can I say the famous catchphrase ‫that opens the show?
‫Go ahead.
‫That opens the show? ‫Go ahead. ‫It's soul train!
‫[ Buzzer ]
‫No!
‫Now, y'all know the answer is
‫no! ‫Now, y'all know the answer is ‫"Saturday night live."
‫What is "Saturday night
‫live"?
‫Come on, Darius, I just gave
‫you the answer.
‫No, I'm asking.
‫You the answer. ‫No, I'm asking. ‫What is "Saturday night live"?
‫I don't know that.
‫It's "Saturday night live."
‫It's a skit comedy show.
‫It's been on for 50 years.
‫What day do they tape on?
‫[ Laughter ]
‫Saturday.
‫It's in the name.
‫Now Tracy, you were on it with
‫it's in the name. ‫Now Tracy, you were on it with ‫Tina fey.
‫What is "30 rock"!
‫[ Buzzer ]
‫You know what?
‫I tell you what, let's just hear
‫you know what? ‫I tell you what, let's just hear ‫about today's prizes.
‫Donny?
‫About today's prizes. ‫Donny? ‫Thanks, Darnell.
‫Today's black jeopardy is
‫thanks, Darnell. ‫Today's black jeopardy is ‫sponsored by a te.
‫Now you don't have to say fix me
‫a plate.
‫You already got one.
‫A plate. ‫You already got one. ‫And by a tin of Danish butter
‫you already got one. ‫And by a tin of Danish butter ‫cookies or a sowing kit.
‫Which one is it?
‫Cookies or a sowing kit. ‫Which one is it? ‫You'll have to open to find out.
‫And by who all going to be
‫you'll have to open to find out. ‫And by who all going to be ‫there.
‫The even invitation for all your
‫events, barbecues or meeting at
‫the even invitation for all your ‫events, barbecues or meeting at ‫the spot.
‫Events, barbecues or meeting at ‫the spot. ‫Before you put, always going to
‫be there.
‫Back to you, Darnell.
‫Be there. ‫Back to you, Darnell. ‫Got to know who all going to
‫back to you, Darnell. ‫Got to know who all going to ‫be there.
‫Let's stick with live from new
‫York.
‫And to help, here is a special
‫guest clue from Mr. Chris rock.
‫Thank you!
‫Guest clue from Mr. Chris rock. ‫Thank you! ‫[ Cheering ]
‫Thank you, Darnell.
‫It's an honor to be here on
‫thank you, Darnell. ‫It's an honor to be here on ‫"black jeopardy."
‫I've been a fan of the show
‫since the '70s when it was
‫called "mama's got questions."
‫Since the '70s when it was ‫called "mama's got questions." ‫Okay.
‫Called "mama's got questions." ‫Okay. ‫Now some of y'all might remember
‫okay. ‫Now some of y'all might remember ‫me from "Saturday night live."
‫Now some of y'all might ‫remember me from "Saturday
‫night live." I was a ‫black guy who came after
‫me from "Saturday night live." ‫I was a black guy who came after ‫Eddie Murphy.
‫That's kind of like being a the
‫point guard after Stephen curry.
‫Okay.
‫Point guard after Stephen curry. ‫Okay. ‫Here is your clue about "snl."
‫This was character has made
‫here is your clue about "snl." ‫This was character has made ‫people laugh for years.
‫Who is my dear?
‫People laugh for years. ‫Who is my dear? ‫No.
‫That is not Tyler Perry.
‫Can't you see that she is right?
‫Now, could win some money
‫now, could win some money ‫here and the church lady. ‫Yes.
‫Here and the church lady. ‫Yes. ‫Yes.
‫That is correct.
‫Thank you.
‫That is the church lady, $400
‫thank you. ‫That is the church lady, $400 ‫for you.
‫Thank you.
‫For you. ‫Thank you. ‫Speaking of church, can I say
‫thank you. ‫Speaking of church, can I say ‫something?
‫It's more folks went to church,
‫we wouldn't be in this mess
‫it's more folks went to church, ‫we wouldn't be in this mess ‫we're in now.
‫We wouldn't be in this mess ‫we're in now. ‫I would like to shake your
‫hand, sir.
‫Here we go.
‫Hand, sir. ‫Here we go. ‫Thank you, now maybe I'll
‫here we go. ‫Thank you, now maybe I'll ‫start a show for you to come on
‫thank you, now maybe I'll ‫start a show for you to come on ‫and we'll call it "black
‫jeopardy."
‫And we'll call it "black ‫jeopardy." ‫We don't need it.
‫Jeopardy." ‫we don't need it. ‫We don't need it.
‫We don't need it. ‫Slow it down a little bit.
‫We're going to take a break.
‫When we return to "black
‫we're going to take a break. ‫When we return to "black ‫jeopardy," we will see if anyone
‫when we return to "black ‫jeopardy," we will see if anyone ‫has watched any of this year's
‫Oscar movies.
‫Has watched any of this year's ‫Oscar movies. ‫How about it?
‫We'll see you.
‫[ Applause ]
‫Hi, everyone. ‫[ Cheering ] ‫Tonight is a celebration of
‫[ cheering ] ‫Tonight is a celebration of ‫classic moments, but "snl" will
‫tonight is a celebration of ‫classic moments, but "snl" will ‫always have that contrarian
‫edge, never wanting to do
‫anything that feels too obvious,
‫too on the nose.
‫Anything that feels too obvious, ‫too on the nose. ‫[ Cheering ]
‫Too on the nose. ‫[ Cheering ] ‫Who are you?
‫What's your age and your name?
‫Ladies and gentlemen, my name
‫what's your age and your name? ‫Ladies and gentlemen, my name ‫is Sally O'Malley.
‫[ Cheering ]
‫Is Sally O'Malley. ‫[ Cheering ] ‫I'm proud to say I'm 50 years
‫[ cheering ] ‫I'm proud to say I'm 50 years ‫old, just like "Saturday night
‫live."
‫Old, just like "Saturday night ‫live." ‫Listen, my mom, she is not one
‫live." ‫listen, my mom, she is not one ‫of the gals who is afraid to
‫listen, my mom, she is ‫not one of the gals who
‫is afraid to tell a ‫real, she likes to kick,
‫of the gals who is afraid to ‫tell a real, she likes to kick, ‫shred, and kick.
‫Tell a real, she likes to kick, ‫shred, and kick. ‫[ Cheering ]
‫Shred, and kick. ‫[ Cheering ] ‫So please enjoy this video
‫[ cheering ] ‫So please enjoy this video ‫celebrating 50 years of physical
‫so please enjoy ‫this video celebrating 50
‫years of physical comedy ‫on "snl" while we kick,
‫celebrating 50 years of physical ‫comedy on "snl" while we kick, ‫stretch, and kick!
‫Comedy on "snl" while we kick, ‫stretch, and kick! ‫[ Cheers and applause ]
‫Stretch, and kick! ‫[ Cheers and applause ] ‫Jury a gem, absolute gem.
‫Look, lorne, I'm not going to ‫do the fall. ‫I'm sorry.
‫Do the fall. ‫I'm sorry. ‫The whole noyfnt sketch is to
‫show your fall.
‫People expect to see you fall.
‫Show your fall. ‫People expect to see you fall. ‫It's a tradition.
‫No problem.
‫No, absolutely not.
‫I'm not doing it.
‫And I'm going to tell you why.
‫Why?
‫♪♪
‫♪♪ >> ah!
‫Mary Katharine. ‫I do gymnastics. ‫Mary, Mary...
‫♪ What is love, baby don't hurt ‫me, no more ♪ ‫♪ baby don't hurt me, no more ♪
‫♪ what is love ♪
‫you're making me very
‫uncomfortable.
‫You're making me very ‫uncomfortable. ‫No I'm not.
‫Uncomfortable. ‫No I'm not. ‫You kind of are.
‫Might need a whole bottle.
‫I could eat a whole bottle
‫might need a whole bottle. ‫I could eat a whole bottle ‫too.
‫♪ don't even try to...
‫Too. ‫♪ don't even try to... ‫Jesus Christ!
‫♪ Don't even try to... ‫Jesus Christ! ‫You ready?
‫What?
‫Thing about the habit.
‫Now I've done it.
‫I put the chickens on to my
‫now I've done it. ‫I put the chickens on to my ‫finger.
‫I'm glad in a way this happened.
‫Finger. ‫I'm glad in a way this happened. ‫I sing my...
‫you're going to spook the
‫horse.
‫You're going to spook the ‫horse. ‫Do be careful.
‫Horse. ‫Do be careful. ‫No one is who they appear to
‫do be careful. ‫No one is who they appear to ‫be.
‫I can't feel my mouth.
‫Be. ‫I can't feel my mouth. ‫You know what?
‫Apparently a lot.
‫I'll stop bleeding if you open
‫apparently a lot. ‫I'll stop bleeding if you open ‫your mouth.
‫I'm going to go to sleep now.
‫Your mouth. ‫I'm going to go to sleep now. ‫Bon appetit.
‫[ Applause ]
‫♪♪
‫[ applause ] ‫♪
‫You know, it's funny. ‫Do you... do you need a ‫kleenex?
‫No, I've got it.
‫Kleenex? ‫No, I've got it. ‫[ Laughter ]
‫When our daughter Kelsey told
‫[ laughter ] ‫When our daughter Kelsey told ‫US that she and Matt wanted to
‫when our daughter ‫Kelsey told US that she
‫and Matt wanted to do a ‫vowel renewal, we were a
‫US that she and Matt ‫wanted to do a vowel
‫renewal, we were a little ‫surprised since they've
‫do a vowel renewal, ‫we were a little surprised
‫since they've only ‫been married less than a
‫little surprised since ‫they've only been married
‫less than a year, but ‫hey, what's another 70
‫only been married less than a ‫year, but hey, what's another 70 ‫grand at best western.
‫Year, but hey, what's another 70 ‫grand at best western. ‫And I just want to say,
‫congratulations, you guys!
‫Drinks for everyone!
‫Congratulations, you guys! ‫Drinks for everyone! ‫Open bar.
‫I apologize.
‫My wife is doing wet February.
‫Oh hell yes I am.
‫Any way, Kelsey and Matt...
‫oh hell yes I am. ‫Any way, Kelsey and Matt... ‫I want to say, let me take
‫any way, Kelsey and Matt... ‫I want to say, let me take ‫the ring.
‫Sure.
‫The ring. ‫Sure. ‫May you have a marriage as
‫sure. ‫May you have a marriage as ‫loving and passionate as daddy
‫may you have a marriage as ‫loving and passionate as daddy ‫and me.
‫Loving and passionate as daddy ‫and me. ‫Oh, baby.
‫And me. ‫Oh, baby. ‫How about you.
‫[ Cheering ]
‫Mm, mm.
‫Oh, wow!
‫What happened?
‫Okay.
‫For those of you who don't know
‫okay. ‫For those of you who don't know ‫me, I'm Sophie, the bride's
‫for those of you who don't know ‫me, I'm Sophie, the bride's ‫childhood bestie.
‫Me, I'm Sophie, the bride's ‫childhood bestie. ‫I couldn't make it to the
‫wedding because I was
‫unfortunately in prison.
‫Wedding because I was ‫unfortunately in prison. ‫You got so skinny in jail,
‫girl.
‫I know, right?
‫Girl. ‫I know, right? ‫I couldn't eat the food.
‫Any way, I'd love to invite
‫Kelsey's best friends aka, the
‫any way, I'd love to invite ‫Kelsey's best friends aka, the ‫kel squad.
‫So instead of a speech, we're
‫going to do something different
‫so instead of a ‫speech, we're going to do
‫something different ‫for y'all, because we're a
‫going to do something ‫different for y'all,
‫because we're a little ‫bit basic, a little bit
‫for y'all, because we're a ‫little bit basic, a little bit ‫toxic.
‫Little bit basic, a little bit ‫toxic. ‫So as some of you know, we
‫took Kelsey to city to celebrate
‫so as some of you know, we ‫took Kelsey to city to celebrate ‫renewal.
‫Took Kelsey to city to celebrate ‫renewal. ‫Matt said it had to be a day
‫trip because he doesn't trust
‫overnights anymore.
‫Trip because he doesn't trust ‫overnights anymore. ‫Guilty as charged.
‫Overnights anymore. ‫Guilty as charged. ‫Seriously, I love strong women.
‫While in New York, we got
‫seriously, I love strong women. ‫While in New York, we got ‫blackout drunk and went to
‫while in New York, we got ‫blackout drunk and went to ‫"wicked."
‫Blackout drunk and went to ‫"wicked." ‫So Matt and Kelsey, this is for
‫"wicked." ‫so Matt and Kelsey, this is for ‫you.
‫♪♪ ‫♪ something has changed within ‫her, she's ready to commit ♪
‫♪ something has changed ‫within her, she's ready
‫to commit ♪ ♪ sees a ‫thing in Matthew that
‫her, she's ready to commit ♪ ‫♪ sees a thing in Matthew that ‫honestly we do not get ♪
‫♪ and worked on herself, and
‫Matt has gone to the gym ♪
‫Kelsey has made a commitment, so
‫guess what?
‫This just in ♪
‫♪ she's going to try monogamy,
‫this just in ♪ ‫♪ she's going to try monogamy, ‫she's finally learned what is
‫monogamy ♪
‫♪ and we will hold her dawn ♪
‫♪♪
‫[ Applause ]
‫hey, well, that was great.
‫[ Applause ] ‫Hey, well, that was great. ‫And now the song is over, and we
‫hey, well, that was ‫great. And now the song
‫is over, and we will ‫not learn anything else.
‫And now the song is over, and we ‫will not learn anything else. ‫Really?
‫Will not learn anything else. ‫Really? ‫Because a lot more happened.
‫Oh my god, doing Taylor.
‫♪ after the show, in times
‫oh my god, doing Taylor. ‫♪ after the show, in times ‫square, there is a whack Kian
‫know Reeves, but Kelsey doesn't
‫square, there is a whack ‫Kian know Reeves, but
‫Kelsey doesn't clear, ‫it's clear that Kelsey's
‫know Reeves, but Kelsey doesn't ‫clear, it's clear that Kelsey's ‫mind is elsewhere ♪
‫♪
‫what were you thinking about?
‫My friends are singing.
‫What were you thinking ‫about? >> My friends
‫are singing. ♪ next ‫up we take a pedicab in
‫my friends are singing. ‫♪ next up we take a pedicab in ‫central park ♪
‫♪ Kelsey says there is a giant
‫hole in my heart ♪
‫♪ she turns and then whispers I
‫could be with him ♪
‫♪ we all know she is talking
‫about domingo, he the middle of
‫♪ we all know she is ‫talking about domingo,
‫he the middle of New ‫York and she turns to the
‫about domingo, he the middle of ‫New York and she turns to the ‫sky ♪
‫♪ she is looking for the Latin
‫guy ♪
‫♪ domingo ♪
‫♪ try to live without domingo,
‫baby ♪
‫♪ come on, open relationships ♪
‫hi, domingo.
‫♪ Come on, open relationships ♪ ‫hi, domingo. ‫How are the kitchen
‫renovation going?
‫Wait, you guys know domingo?
‫Renovation going? ‫Wait, you guys know domingo? ‫Yeah, yeah, yeah.
‫He was my primary care
‫yeah, yeah, yeah. ‫He was my primary care ‫physician, and domingo, do you
‫he was my primary care ‫physician, and domingo, do you ‫know that you were right?
‫Physician, and domingo, do you ‫know that you were right? ‫I do have hashimoto's.
‫Know that you were right? ‫I do have hashimoto's. ‫I can't believe domingo is at
‫another major life event of
‫mine.
‫Another major life event of ‫mine. ‫Don't worry, Matt, we got
‫you.
‫Yeah.
‫You. ‫Yeah. ‫[ Cheering ]
‫Reception is lit, as many of
‫[ cheering ] ‫Reception is lit, as many of ‫you know, we're Matt's
‫reception is lit, as many of ‫you know, we're Matt's ‫groomsmen, aka, the doormats.
‫You know, we're Matt's ‫groomsmen, aka, the doormats. ‫We took Matt a golf trip to the
‫groomsmen, aka, the ‫doormats. We took Matt a
‫golf trip to the real ‫city that never sleeps,
‫we took Matt a golf ‫trip to the real city that
‫never sleeps, scottsdale, ‫Arizona, which is
‫real city that never sleeps, ‫scottsdale, Arizona, which is ‫also our hometown.
‫Scottsdale, Arizona, which is ‫also our hometown. ‫And our name.
‫Also our hometown. ‫And our name. ‫These are the three Scots, and
‫and our name. ‫These are the three Scots, and ‫I'll Dale.
‫Scots... Dale!
‫And to play 18 holes, we
‫needed a little...
‫and to play 18 holes, we ‫needed a little... ‫Espresso.
‫Needed a little... ‫Espresso. ‫♪♪
‫♪ the cruising had a local
‫staycation because we'd been hit
‫hard by inflation ♪
‫♪ and we knew Matt needs a break
‫from Kelsey ♪
‫♪ just kidding, kels, your
‫marriage is healthy ♪
‫wait, what even is this song?
‫Marriage is healthy ♪ ‫wait, what even is this song? ‫♪ now we're in a bar, caddie's
‫wait, what even is ‫this song? ♪ now we're in
‫a bar, caddie's named ‫renaldo, to the condo ♪
‫♪ now we're in a bar, ‫caddie's named renaldo,
‫to the condo ♪ ♪ we ‫got a bed, Matthew does
‫named renaldo, to the condo ♪ ‫♪ we got a bed, Matthew does ‫not ♪
‫♪ he's going to walk with
‫renaldo.
‫♪ He's going to walk with ‫renaldo. ‫Wait, Sophie, were you on the
‫guys trip?
‫You know, I'm pretty sick of
‫girls after prison.
‫I'm sorry, I'm sorry, who is
‫renaldo.
‫Don't worry, renaldo is in my
‫past.
‫Matthew, I'm here.
‫Past. ‫Matthew, I'm here. ‫Hey, man.
‫Hey.
‫Hey, man, came all this way,
‫hey. ‫Hey, man, came all this way, ‫had to explain, renaldo,
‫hey, man, came all this way, ‫had to explain, renaldo, ‫Matthew's my guy, said he's not
‫mine, but we did hook up,
‫though.
‫Mine, but we did hook up, ‫though. ‫What?
‫Though. ‫What? ‫Matt!
‫Renaldo?
‫Okay, I'm sorry, you two know
‫renaldo? ‫Okay, I'm sorry, you two know ‫each other?
‫Of course!
‫Each other? ‫Of course! ‫We are brothers.
‫I'm the older brother.
‫And I'm the younger brother.
‫And I'm the half-brother.
‫[ Cheering ]
‫Hi, Santiago.
‫Mom, dad, wait, how do you
‫hi, Santiago. ‫Mom, dad, wait, how do you ‫know him?
‫Well, I did their kitchen
‫renovation, and then I had sex
‫well, I did their kitchen ‫renovation, and then I had sex ‫with the wife.
‫Renovation, and then I had sex ‫with the wife. ‫Feel you, Santiago.
‫With the wife. ‫Feel you, Santiago. ‫♪♪
‫feel you, Santiago. ‫♪♪ ‫>>
‫♪ came all this way, word to the
‫wise, if you got wives, hide
‫them from US ♪
‫[ Cheers and applause ]
‫Them from US ♪ ‫[ Cheers and applause ] ‫Domingo!
‫♪♪
‫And now deep thoughts by ‫Jack handy. ‫Looking back over 50 years,
‫we treasure the laughs, the
‫looking back over ‫50 years, we treasure the
‫laughs, the friendships, ‫the fond memories.
‫We treasure the laughs, ‫the friendships, the
‫fond memories. But the ‫real treasure was how
‫friendships, the fond memories. ‫But the real treasure was how ‫much money we were making.
‫Ladies and gentlemen, Tina ‫fey and Amy poehler! ‫[ Cheers and applause ]
‫Fey and Amy poehler! ‫[ Cheers and applause ] ‫Oh, wow.
‫What a night.
‫Well, even after 50 years, there
‫what a night. ‫Well, even after 50 years, there ‫are still things about "snl"
‫well, even after 50 years, there ‫are still things about "snl" ‫that people don't know.
‫Are still things about "snl" ‫that people don't know. ‫So we are here to answer any
‫questions people still have
‫so we are here to answer any ‫questions people still have ‫about the show.
‫Questions people still have ‫about the show. ‫Don't be shy.
‫About the show. ‫Don't be shy. ‫Just raise your hand.
‫Yes, quinta brunson.
‫Hi.
‫Hi!
‫[ Applause ]
‫Hi.
‫Quinta brunson here.
‫First of all, I want to say, you
‫quinta brunson here. ‫First of all, I want to say, you ‫ladies look great.
‫What's your secret?
‫Ladies look great. ‫What's your secret? ‫Wow, thank you for asking
‫what's your secret? ‫Wow, thank you for asking ‫that question we wrote.
‫I'm wearing a 3D printed mask of
‫my younger self.
‫And my face is all natural,
‫but full disclosure, this is the
‫and my face is all natural, ‫but full disclosure, this is the ‫back of my head.
‫But full disclosure, this is the ‫back of my head. ‫I slip mid hair and started
‫over.
‫Well, it's working for you,
‫baby girl.
‫Any way, I am a "snl" superfan.
‫Baby girl. ‫Any way, I am a "snl" superfan. ‫My question is kind of a deep
‫any way, I am a "snl" superfan. ‫My question is kind of a deep ‫cut.
‫In the march 18th, 1993 good
‫nights, Tim meadows whispered
‫in the march 18th, 1993 ‫good nights, Tim meadows
‫whispered something ‫to musical guest sade?
‫Nights, Tim meadows whispered ‫something to musical guest sade? ‫What was he saying?
‫Something to musical guest sade? ‫What was he saying? ‫Oh, wow, let's find out.
‫Tim, do you remember what you
‫oh, wow, let's find out. ‫Tim, do you remember what you ‫were saying?
‫Oh, yeah, wow.
‫Were saying? ‫Oh, yeah, wow. ‫[ Applause ]
‫Thank you.
‫Yes, it was march '93.
‫I'm pretty sure I was saying
‫yes, it was march '93. ‫I'm pretty sure I was saying ‫hey, sade, you want to drink
‫I'm pretty sure I was ‫saying hey, sade, you
‫want to drink some zima ‫with me in my dressing
‫hey, sade, you want to drink ‫some zima with me in my dressing ‫room?
‫Some zima with me in my dressing ‫room? ‫We can play mortal kombat 1 and
‫watch the new menendez trial.
‫That's exactly what I
‫thought.
‫Thank you so much.
‫Thought. ‫Thank you so much. ‫Thank you.
‫Thank you.
‫[ Applause ]
‫.
‫Also, at work by the way,
‫. ‫also, at work by the way, ‫sade are still together.
‫Also, at work by the way, ‫sade are still together. ‫That's awesome.
‫Sade are still together. ‫That's awesome. ‫That's awesome.
‫Who else has a question?
‫I have a question.
‫Oh, hi, Ryan Reynolds, hi.
‫[ Applause ]
‫How's it going?
‫Great.
‫Why, what have you heard?
‫[ Laughter ]
‫My question is you flow the
‫[ laughter ] ‫My question is you flow the ‫materials that they made the
‫my question is you flow the ‫materials that they made the ‫coneheads with, are those
‫edible?
‫Coneheads with, are those ‫edible? ‫Edible?
‫Edible? ‫No, no.
‫And based on them being made in
‫no, no. ‫And based on them being made in ‫1975, I'd assume they're highly
‫and based on them being made in ‫1975, I'd assume they're highly ‫toxic.
‫Oh, okay.
‫Toxic. ‫Oh, okay. ‫So somebody hypothetically took
‫oh, okay. ‫So somebody hypothetically took ‫a couple nibbles backstage and
‫so somebody hypothetically ‫took a couple nibbles
‫backstage and got ‫excited, should they go to
‫a couple nibbles ‫backstage and got excited,
‫should they go to the ‫hospital or should they...
‫Got excited, should they go to ‫the hospital or should they... ‫yes, they should go to
‫hospital right away.
‫Yes, they should go to ‫hospital right away. ‫Good.
‫Hospital right away. ‫Good. ‫Good luck.
‫Okay.
‫Next question...
‫I have a question.
‫Yes?
‫[ Applause ]
‫When I hosted the show, there
‫[ applause ] ‫When I hosted the show, there ‫was a woman who pulled me behind
‫when I hosted the ‫show, there was a woman who
‫pulled me behind a ‫little curtain and took my
‫was a woman who pulled me behind ‫a little curtain and took my ‫pants off.
‫A little curtain and took my ‫pants off. ‫Does she work here?
‫Pants off. ‫Does she work here? ‫Is she a blond woman with a
‫does she work here? ‫Is she a blond woman with a ‫stopwatch?
‫Yeah.
‫Stopwatch? ‫Yeah. ‫She put her arm around my waist
‫yeah. ‫She put her arm around my waist ‫and kind of shook me until my
‫she put her arm around my waist ‫and kind of shook me until my ‫shoes fell off.
‫And kind of shook me until my ‫shoes fell off. ‫Did I dream that or is that...
‫Shoes fell off. ‫Did I dream that or is that... ‫no, that's Donna.
‫Come out here, Donna.
‫No, that's Donna. ‫Come out here, Donna. ‫[ Applause ]
‫Donna, hi!
‫[ Cheering ]
‫Donna, Donna has been
‫[ cheering ] ‫Donna, Donna has been ‫dressing every host since 1997.
‫She has seen every celebrity
‫here in their underpants.
‫Donna, I know it's hard to
‫pick, but who was your fav...
‫Jason momoa.
‫Pick, but who was your fav... ‫Jason momoa. ‫Our next question was
‫submitted by a viewer.
‫Loved fan 89 wants to know why
‫am I seated across the street in
‫loved fan 89 wants to ‫know why am I seated
‫across the street in ‫the American girls store?
‫Am I seated across the street in ‫the American girls store? ‫I'm not mad.
‫The American girls store? ‫I'm not mad. ‫I just want to know why.
‫Ladies?
‫[ Applause ]
‫Okay.
‫So lovitz fan is Jon lovitz.
‫I know the seating chart was
‫so lovitz fan is Jon lovitz. ‫I know the seating chart was ‫really hard to figure out.
‫You were going to be seated in
‫the studio, but then Julia
‫you were going to be ‫seated in the studio, but
‫then Julia Louis-Dreyfus ‫asked to bring her
‫the studio, but then Julia ‫Louis-Dreyfus asked to bring her ‫service dog.
‫Yeah.
‫Service dog. ‫Yeah. ‫Yeah, sorry.
‫Jon, it's a medical thing.
‫You really need that dog, right,
‫Julia?
‫Oh, no, no, no.
‫I'm here for him.
‫He is blind.
‫[ Laughter ]
‫So Ricky, the blond woman who
‫[ laughter ] ‫So Ricky, the blond woman who ‫just talked, that's Amy poehler.
‫So Ricky, the blond ‫woman who just talked,
‫that's Amy poehler. And ‫the older woman next to her
‫just talked, that's Amy poehler. ‫And the older woman next to her ‫is Tina fey.
‫And the intense energy that
‫you're feeling to your left is
‫and the intense energy that ‫you're feeling to your left is ‫Adam driver.
‫You're feeling to your left is ‫Adam driver. ‫[ Applause ]
‫He is an absolutely incredible
‫[ applause ] ‫He is an absolutely incredible ‫actor.
‫And right now he is acting like
‫he is not attracted to me.
‫How you doing?
‫He is not attracted to me. ‫How you doing? ‫This is my puppy here.
‫Yeah.
‫All right.
‫Okay.
‫All right.
‫Let's take another question.
‫Yes, Cher, you have a question?
‫No, I don't.
‫[ Laughter ]
‫I got a lot of answers.
‫Hey!
‫We'll hook up with you after
‫hey! ‫We'll hook up with you after ‫the show.
‫Next question.
‫The show. ‫Next question. ‫Yes, Keith Richards?
‫[ Cheering ]
‫I let a scarf here in 1988,
‫[ cheering ] ‫I let a scarf here in 1988, ‫and I'm kind of wondering if
‫anybody has seen it around.
‫And I'm kind of wondering if ‫anybody has seen it around. ‫A scarf, yeah, in 1998?
‫Anybody has seen it around. ‫A scarf, yeah, in 1998? ‫Well, that's a long time ago.
‫I don't think so.
‫I'm not sure.
‫Look, it's simply not here,
‫okay?
‫Can we all stop looking?
‫Okay? ‫Can we all stop looking? ‫Next question!
‫Okay, okay.
‫Yes, Jon hamm?
‫Yeah, hey, guys...
‫yes, Jon hamm? ‫Yeah, hey, guys... ‫[ Cheering ]
‫This might be a weird
‫[ cheering ] ‫This might be a weird ‫question because I've hosted
‫this might be a weird ‫question because I've hosted ‫three times and I know I'm part
‫of the family.
‫Three times and I know I'm part ‫of the family. ‫But am I funny?
‫Of the family. ‫But am I funny? ‫Funny!
‫We...
‫funny! ‫We... ‫whenever we ask you to do a
‫we... ‫whenever we ask you to do a ‫bit, you always say yes.
‫Whenever we ask you to do a ‫bit, you always say yes. ‫And that's what matters.
‫Bit, you always say yes. ‫And that's what matters. ‫Yes, yes.
‫Next question.
‫Hola.
‫[ Speaking in Spanish ]
‫Yo sochitos.
‫[ Speaking in Spanish ]
‫So Jon hamon.
‫All right, yes.
‫Next question, Seth?
‫Hi, guys.
‫It kind of feels like this whole
‫hi, guys. ‫It kind of feels like this whole ‫question and answer thing is
‫it kind of feels like ‫this whole question and
‫answer thing is just ‫way for you guys to give
‫question and answer thing is ‫just way for you guys to give ‫air time to celebrities who
‫aren't in other parts of the
‫show.
‫Aren't in other parts of the ‫show. ‫Really?
‫Show. ‫Really? ‫It doesn't seem that way to me.
‫What do you think, reverend al
‫it doesn't seem that way to me. ‫What do you think, reverend al ‫sharpton and ray Romano?
‫It seems very natural to US.
‫Sharpton and ray Romano? ‫It seems very natural to US. ‫Really, don't be so cynical,
‫it seems very natural to US. ‫Really, don't be so cynical, ‫Seth.
‫We're having a nice time here.
‫There you go.
‫Jason momoa, yes, Jason?
‫This Donny lady, she like to
‫travel?
‫We'll have to ask her.
‫Travel? ‫We'll have to ask her. ‫All right.
‫Good to know.
‫Hi, I'm Fred armisen, thanks.
‫Thank you.
‫[ Cheering ]
‫Thank you, guys.
‫My question is, do you know why
‫thank you, guys. ‫My question is, do you know why ‫lorne cut "vampire office"?
‫What?
‫Lorne cut "vampire office"? ‫What? ‫Well, in 2005, I wrote a
‫what? ‫Well, in 2005, I wrote a ‫sketch called "vampire office"
‫well, in 2005, I wrote a ‫sketch called "vampire office" ‫and it played pretty well at
‫sketch called "vampire ‫office" and it played
‫pretty well at dress ‫and it didn't get on air.
‫And it played pretty ‫well at dress and it
‫didn't get on air. >> ‫Okay, I guess maybe other
‫dress and it didn't get on air. ‫Okay, I guess maybe other ‫sketches did better?
‫No.
‫Sketches did better? ‫No. ‫It was a pretty bad show front
‫no. ‫It was a pretty bad show front ‫to back.
‫I don't know.
‫To back. ‫I don't know. ‫Okay, well, maybe he just
‫didn't like it.
‫Well, do you know if he saw
‫the changes I was going to make,
‫well, do you know ‫if he saw the changes I
‫was going to make, ‫because I cut the b word as
‫the changes I was going to make, ‫because I cut the b word as ‫Vanessa comes in as Simon
‫cowell.
‫Wait, are you holding the
‫sketch right now?
‫Do you think I should resib
‫mitt ID?
‫Sure.
‫Mitt ID? ‫Sure. ‫Great.
‫Okay.
‫Okay, we only have time for
‫okay. ‫Okay, we only have time for ‫like 100 more questions.
‫Yes, yes.
‫Like 100 more questions. ‫Yes, yes. ‫Peyton Manning?
‫Yes...
‫[ Cheering ]
‫Is lorne going to retire now?
‫No, I don't think so.
‫Okay, that's great news.
‫Lorne, never retire.
‫It's brutal out here.
‫They have me doing all these
‫it's brutal out here. ‫They have me doing all these ‫commercials... insurance, beer.
‫I did one the other day for
‫commercials... insurance, ‫beer. I did one the
‫other day for something ‫called fan fight power
‫I did one the other day for ‫something called fan fight power ‫monster 3.
‫Something called fan fight power ‫monster 3. ‫I don't even know what the hell
‫it is.
‫I assumed it was a video game,
‫but in the voice overi said now
‫in diet chili flavor.
‫But in the voice overi said now ‫in diet chili flavor. ‫I hate being retired.
‫In diet chili flavor. ‫I hate being retired. ‫Okay, okay.
‫No, seriously, lorne, getting
‫okay, okay. ‫No, seriously, lorne, getting ‫old sucks.
‫You feel like such a loser.
‫Old sucks. ‫You feel like such a loser. ‫Galifianakis knows what i'm
‫you feel like such a loser. ‫Galifianakis knows what i'm ‫talking about.
‫Please don't bother me.
‫Talking about. ‫Please don't bother me. ‫I just want to row elax and wat
‫please don't bother me. ‫I just want to row elax and wat ‫kanye perform.
‫You got it, Zach.
‫Kanye perform. ‫You got it, Zach. ‫[ Applause ]
‫Hello? ‫Bowflex. ‫What's up, dude.
‫Are you going to the 50th?
‫No, I can't.
‫I'm not going to go.
‫What you talking about?
‫It's going to be incredible.
‫Everyone on earth is going to be
‫it's going to be incredible. ‫Everyone on earth is going to be ‫there.
‫Honestly, it stresses me out
‫too much.
‫What do you mean?
‫Too much. ‫What do you mean? ‫Come on, you knoll I get
‫what do you mean? ‫Come on, you knoll I get ‫anxiety.
‫Bowen, cool it.
‫Anxiety. ‫Bowen, cool it. ‫♪ I know you're anxious just
‫looking at the side and when
‫♪ I know you're anxious ‫just looking at the
‫side and when you're ‫retired, it was the there
‫looking at the side and ‫when you're retired, it
‫was the there is one ‫thing you got to keep in
‫you're retired, it was the there ‫is one thing you got to keep in ‫mind ♪
‫♪ so we're going press rewind,
‫let's go back in time ♪
‫♪ young ackroyd, looks so fine
‫and fancy free ♪
‫♪ but the reality was quite
‫tragic, he suffered from
‫anxiety ♪
‫Jesus, what was that?
‫Anxiety ♪ ‫Jesus, what was that? ‫I don't know what you're
‫talking about.
‫That's the footage exact lib as
‫it aired
‫that's the footage exact lib as ‫it aired ‫♪ Eddie Murphy and Mr.
‫It aired ‫♪ Eddie Murphy and Mr. ‫Robinson's neighborhood, she was
‫the star of the show each
‫Saturday, be he suffered
‫anxiety ♪
‫♪ hey, Billy crystal, saying
‫marvelous, but one thing wasn't
‫marvelous, ♪
‫♪ because everyone that ever
‫worked at "snl" had anxiety ♪
‫♪ because everyone ‫that ever worked at "snl"
‫had anxiety ♪ ♪ you ‫are not alone, my friend,
‫worked at "snl" had anxiety ♪ ‫♪ you are not alone, my friend, ‫and...
‫♪ You are not alone, my friend, ‫and... ‫what?
‫And... ‫what? ‫The connection is a complex
‫of directional, a communication
‫the connection is a ‫complex of directional,
‫a communication between ‫essential nervous system
‫of directional, a communication ‫between essential nervous system ‫and your butt.
‫Between essential nervous system ‫and your butt. ‫♪ when you're watching "snl,"
‫just imagine everyone you see,
‫♪ when you're watching ‫"snl," just imagine
‫everyone you see, right ‫before the show went to
‫just imagine everyone you see, ‫right before the show went to ‫the bathroom and took the
‫crazy...
‫The bathroom and took the ‫crazy... ‫right.
‫Crazy... ‫right. ‫♪ everybody, like this ♪
‫you've got to stop doing
‫that.
‫You've got to stop doing ‫that. ‫No promises.
‫That. ‫No promises. ‫♪ jump to the '90s, Molly,
‫no promises. ‫♪ jump to the '90s, Molly, ‫making them laugh, but that's
‫not how they felt at all ♪
‫♪ we wanted to die, we whisper
‫and we had on the air ♪
‫come on, guys, we have
‫perspective.
‫Come on, guys, we have ‫perspective. ‫We know these are champagne
‫problems.
‫I mean, it's not like we're
‫working in a coal mine.
‫God, no.
‫Working in a coal mine. ‫God, no. ‫But here's a secret.
‫♪ it's way worse than working in
‫but here's a secret. ‫♪ it's way worse than working in ‫a coal mine.
‫♪ It's way worse than working in ‫a coal mine. ‫We would love to be working in a
‫coal mine, just look at these
‫we would love to be ‫working in a coal mine, just
‫look at these coal ‫miners drinking sweet tea,
‫coal mine, just look ‫at these coal miners
‫drinking sweet tea, under ‫the lorne, good to you?
‫Coal miners drinking ‫sweet tea, under the lorne,
‫good to you? >> Now ‫that I hear it, I might
‫under the lorne, good ‫to you? >> Now that I
‫hear it, I might skip it ‫too, because in the end
‫now that I hear it, I might ‫skip it too, because in the end ‫you have to take care of
‫yourself.
‫You have to take care of ‫yourself. ‫I'm a decision for mental
‫health ♪
‫but what if they forget about
‫me, if I don't go to the show,
‫will I disappear ♪
‫♪ or will I fall to the bottom
‫of the cast members ♪
‫♪ that's your forte ♪
‫you know what?
‫♪ That's your forte ♪ ‫you know what? ‫I'm in.
‫You know what? ‫I'm in. ‫Because everyone ♪
‫I get it now!
‫♪ that ever worked at "snl" had
‫anxiety ♪
‫♪ it's hard the waiting rooms
‫and have the therapist in new
‫York say ♪
‫♪ every single person who worked
‫at "snl" had anxiety, every
‫single person who worked at
‫"snl" had anxiety.
‫Single person who worked at ‫"snl" had anxiety. ‫Everybody!
‫"Snl" had anxiety. ‫Everybody! ‫♪ every single person who worked
‫everybody! ‫♪ every single person who worked ‫at "snl" had anxiety ♪
‫♪ every single person who worked
‫at "snl" had anxiety ♪
‫♪ every single person who worked
‫at "snl" had anxiety ♪♪
‫Ladies and gentlemen, Miley ‫Cyrus and Brittany Howard. ‫[ Cheers and applause ]
‫♪♪ ‫♪ it's been seven hours ‫and 13 days, since u took your
‫love away ♪
‫♪ I go out every night
‫and I sleep all day
‫since you took
‫your love away ♪
‫♪ since you been gone
‫I can do whatever I want
‫yeah, I can see whomever I
‫choose ♪
‫♪ I can eat my dinner
‫at a fancy restaurant but
‫nothing, oh nothing can take
‫away these blues ♪
‫♪ 'cause nothing compares
‫no, nothing compares to you ♪
‫♪ oh, nothing, nothing ♪
‫Brittany Howard!
‫♪ Oh, nothing, nothing ♪ ‫Brittany Howard! ‫♪ it's been so lonely
‫without you here
‫like a bird without a song ♪
‫♪ nothing can stop
‫these lonely tears
‫from falling ♪
‫♪ tell me baby
‫where did I go wrong
‫I could put my arms around
‫every boy I see ♪
‫♪ but they'd only
‫remind me of you
‫I went to the doctor
‫and guess what he told me ♪
‫♪ guess what he told me
‫he said girl
‫you better have fun ♪
‫♪ but he's a fool ♪
‫♪ because nothing compares,
‫nothing compares to you ♪
‫♪ nothing, nothing ♪
‫wait for it.
‫♪♪
‫♪ all the flowers that you ‫planted, mama, in the backyard ♪
‫♪ all the flowers that ‫you planted, mama, in
‫the backyard ♪ ♪ all ‫died when you went away,
‫planted, mama, in the backyard ♪ ‫♪ all died when you went away, ‫oh, oh oh, oh ♪
‫♪ I know that living with you,
‫baby, was sometimes hard, but
‫♪ I know that living ‫with you, baby, was
‫sometimes hard, but I'm ‫willing to give it another
‫baby, was sometimes hard, but ‫I'm willing to give it another ‫try ♪
‫♪ because nothing compares,
‫nothing compares to you ♪
‫♪ because nothing compares,
‫nothing compares to you ♪
‫♪ because nothing compares.
‫Nothing compares to you ♪ ‫♪ because nothing compares. ‫Nothing, nothing compares to
‫you ♪
‫nothing, nothing compares to ‫you ♪ ‫♪ because nothing compares,
‫nothing compares to you, you,
‫you, you, you, you ♪♪
‫[ Applause ]
‫[ Cheers and applause ]
‫♪♪ ‫it's weekend update, 50th ‫anniversary edition.
‫It's weekend update, 50th ‫anniversary edition. ‫With Colin jost and mikele...
‫Anniversary edition. ‫With Colin jost and mikele... ‫Michael che.
‫I'm Michael che.
‫I'm Colin jost.
‫Well, it is an honor and a
‫thrill to be hosting weekend
‫well, it is an ‫honor and a thrill to be
‫hosting weekend update ‫for the 50th, and if it
‫thrill to be hosting ‫weekend update for the
‫50th, and if it was up ‫to our president, final
‫update for the 50th, and if it ‫was up to our president, final ‫season of "snl."
‫Was up to our president, final ‫season of "snl." ‫It is incredible that "snl" is
‫still going after all this time.
‫It is incredible that ‫"snl" is still going
‫after all this time. And ‫I'm just talking about
‫still going after all this time. ‫And I'm just talking about ‫tonight's show.
‫There are so many famous hosts
‫and musical guests here tonight
‫there are so many ‫famous hosts and musical
‫guests here tonight that ‫some huge names actually
‫and musical guests here ‫tonight that some huge
‫names actually have ‫to watch from studio 8g
‫that some huge names actually ‫have to watch from studio 8g ‫next door as well as from the
‫have to watch from ‫studio 8g next door as well
‫as from the metropolitan ‫detention center in
‫next door as well as from the ‫metropolitan detention center in ‫Brooklyn.
‫Metropolitan detention center in ‫Brooklyn. ‫Oh, you went to the parties,
‫okay.
‫"Saturday night live" has won
‫95 emmys, one grammy, three
‫"Saturday night live" ‫has won 95 emmys, one
‫grammy, three peabodys, ‫and has over 100 Tonys
‫95 emmys, one grammy, three ‫peabodys, and has over 100 Tonys ‫on the crew.
‫Peabodys, and has over 100 Tonys ‫on the crew. ‫I'm kidding, but let's actually
‫take a moment to thank foez
‫hard-
‫those hardworking crew guys.
‫Hard- ‫those hardworking crew guys. ‫I want to thank those crew guy,
‫those hardworking crew ‫guys. I want to thank
‫those crew guy, and ‫also like to congratulate
‫I want to thank those crew guy, ‫and also like to congratulate ‫them on their January 6th
‫pardons.
‫Them on their January 6th ‫pardons. ‫[ Laughter ]
‫Pardons. ‫[ Laughter ] ‫A lot of ponies.
‫Health experts are facing
‫a lot of ponies. ‫Health experts are facing ‫increased pressure in the face
‫health experts are ‫facing increased pressure
‫in the face of outbreak ‫of covid, the flu,
‫increased pressure in ‫the face of outbreak of
‫covid, the flu, rsv and ‫norovirus, which they're
‫of outbreak of covid, ‫the flu, rsv and norovirus,
‫which they're calling a ‫quad deem Mick. Emic,
‫rsv and norovirus, which ‫they're calling a quad
‫deem Mick. Emic, the ‫smart thing, packed every
‫calling a quad deem Mick. Emic, ‫the smart thing, packed every ‫entertainer over 60 in one
‫stage.
‫Entertainer over 60 in one ‫stage. ‫"Snl's" first major cast change
‫was in season 2 when Chevy chase
‫"snl's" first major cast ‫change was in season 2
‫when Chevy chase left ‫the show and was replaced
‫was in season 2 when Chevy chase ‫left the show and was replaced ‫by kenan Thompson.
‫Left the show and was replaced ‫by kenan Thompson. ‫[ Laughter ]
‫By kenan Thompson. ‫[ Laughter ] ‫Me and Colin are actually the
‫[ laughter ] ‫Me and Colin are actually the ‫longest serving weekend update
‫me and Colin are actually the ‫longest serving weekend update ‫anchors.
‫Longest serving weekend update ‫anchors. ‫I've done weekend update for so
‫long, next season I'm co-hosting
‫with my son bronny.
‫Long, next season I'm co-hosting ‫with my son bronny. ‫And since the 40est we've lost
‫the late great Norman Donald who
‫and since the 40est we've lost ‫the late great Norman Donald who ‫hosted weekend update.
‫The late great Norman Donald who ‫hosted weekend update. ‫That's right.
‫Hosted weekend update. ‫That's right. ‫Norman Donald who hosted weekend
‫that's right. ‫Norman Donald who hosted weekend ‫update until he was fired for
‫Norman Donald who hosted ‫weekend update until he
‫was fired for making ‫jokes about o.J. Simpson,
‫update until he was ‫fired for making jokes
‫about o.J. Simpson, and ‫he is one of my heroes.
‫Making jokes about o.J. ‫Simpson, and he is one
‫of my heroes. So if he ‫is watching up there, I
‫and he is one of my ‫heroes. So if he is watching
‫up there, I just want ‫to say, we love you,
‫so if he is watching up there, I ‫just want to say, we love you, ‫o.J.
‫Just want to say, we love you, ‫o.J. ‫Well, there is a lot going on
‫o.j. ‫Well, there is a lot going on ‫in the world right now, and here
‫well, there is a lot ‫going on in the world
‫right now, and here to ‫tell US her thoughts on all
‫in the world right now, ‫and here to tell US her
‫thoughts on all of it ‫is the girl you wish you
‫to tell US her thoughts ‫on all of it is the
‫girl you wish you hadn't ‫started a conversation
‫of it is the girl you wish you ‫hadn't started a conversation ‫with at a party.
‫Hadn't started a conversation ‫with at a party. ‫Oh, my gosh, notice anything
‫different about me.
‫Are you pregnant?
‫Different about me. ‫Are you pregnant? ‫Wow.
‫You just assume I'm pregnant.
‫Just because I have a baby
‫you just assume I'm pregnant. ‫Just because I have a baby ‫inside me.
‫That's misogynistic.
‫Inside me. ‫That's misogynistic. ‫Congratulations.
‫It's nice to see.
‫Oh, is it nice, Michael?
‫Is it nice to be on the verge of
‫oh, is it nice, Michael? ‫Is it nice to be on the verge of ‫the apocalypse.
‫It's devastating.
‫The apocalypse. ‫It's devastating. ‫It's a constipational crisis,
‫it's devastating. ‫It's a constipational crisis, ‫literally for me.
‫Do I want to bring a baby into
‫the world or should I keep her
‫do I want to bring a ‫baby into the world or
‫should I keep her in here ‫for another 3 1/2 years.
‫The world or should ‫I keep her in here for
‫another 3 1/2 years. >> ‫I don't think you can do
‫in here for another 3 1/2 years. ‫I don't think you can do ‫that.
‫Oh, I guess you know more
‫than my ob/gyn.
‫Do your research, Michael.
‫Than my ob/gyn. ‫Do your research, Michael. ‫Facts.
‫90% of babies born today will
‫facts. ‫90% of babies born today will ‫never know who your father is.
‫My father?
‫Never know who your father is. ‫My father? ‫Three out of four kids get
‫my father? ‫Three out of four kids get ‫bullied.
‫And only two of them deserve it.
‫Bullied. ‫And only two of them deserve it. ‫What?
‫And there are people in
‫what? ‫And there are people in ‫Africa right now...
‫and there are people in ‫Africa right now... ‫was that it?
‫Yes.
‫Was that it? ‫Yes. ‫There are people there now.
‫You should know that, Michael.
‫Read a phone.
‫[ Laughter ]
‫Have your elon salute really
‫[ laughter ] ‫Have your elon salute really ‫quick.
‫No, don't do that.
‫Quick. ‫No, don't do that. ‫I have to do this dance.
‫I'm sorry, where did you
‫work?
‫I'm the press secretary at
‫the white house.
‫People are so angry about dei,
‫well, stop drinking and driving.
‫Bettina, bettina!
‫Well, stop drinking and driving. ‫Bettina, bettina! ‫Who are you talking to?
‫That's bettina.
‫She is a horrible person.
‫At least now we have some good
‫she is a horrible person. ‫At least now we have some good ‫people in charge.
‫Like everyone's mad that rf
‫Carlos Jr. is a nippo baby, but
‫like everyone's mad that rf ‫Carlos Jr. is a nippo baby, but ‫hi brain worm earned it.
‫It ate its way to the top.
‫Hi brain worm earned it. ‫It ate its way to the top. ‫Oh my god.
‫In fallujah, why is no one
‫oh my god. ‫In fallujah, why is no one ‫talking about Luigi woman-gione.
‫Yes.
‫Talking about Luigi woman-gione. ‫Yes. ‫I just blew Michael che.
‫You're welcome.
‫Well, thank you.
‫And by the way, can I ask who
‫well, thank you. ‫And by the way, can I ask who ‫the father is?
‫You sure can!
‫The father is? ‫You sure can! ‫Wow.
‫Huge reveal.
‫Oh my god.
‫Huge.
‫You two are together?
‫Yep.
‫We're the typical Hollywood
‫yep. ‫We're the typical Hollywood ‫couple.
‫A beautiful woman in her 30s,
‫drunk idiot in his 70s.
‫You're really going to be a
‫dad?
‫Hey, if Alec Baldwin can do
‫it.
‫When I was a kid, everyone was
‫pregnant.
‫High school baby married Vietnam
‫job you hate.
‫Okay?
‫Job you hate. ‫Okay? ‫But nowadays, it's just oh, i'm
‫okay? ‫But nowadays, it's just oh, i'm ‫sorry, can you yassify my
‫but nowadays, it's just oh, i'm ‫sorry, can you yassify my ‫chickpea pasta?
‫Sorry, can you yassify my ‫chickpea pasta? ‫Excuse me, excuse me, are these
‫flare jeans ai?
‫Ooh, oh, wait, we're in a brave
‫new world.
‫Not my captain america.
‫New world. ‫Not my captain america. ‫Okay.
‫Okay.
‫Drunk uncle.
‫>
‫drunk uncle. ‫> ‫I rip your buttons off.
‫♪ if I could turn back time ♪
‫I rip your buttons ‫off. ♪ if I could turn
‫back time ♪ ♪ if I ‫could... rip your shirt ♪
‫♪ if I could turn back time ♪ ‫♪ if I could... rip your shirt ♪ ‫drunk uncle.
‫♪ If I could... rip your shirt ♪ ‫drunk uncle. ‫So I'm not land shark, okay?
‫Drunk uncle. ‫So I'm not land shark, okay? ‫So I'm not Brian fellows, okay?
‫So I'm not land ‫shark, okay? So I'm not
‫Brian fellows, okay? So ‫I'm not beautiful guest
‫so I'm not Brian fellows, okay? ‫So I'm not beautiful guest ‫timothee chalamet!
‫G burger, g burger, g burger.
‫Timothee chalamet! ‫G burger, g burger, g burger. ‫Yes, from the '70s.
‫No, I misplaced 14
‫yes, from the '70s. ‫No, I misplaced 14 ‫cheesebergers.
‫I'm sorry, but I think you
‫might be too drunk.
‫Yes, I had to tackle Paul
‫Simon.
‫But I missed, and now Sabrina
‫carpenter's dead.
‫Okay.
‫Carpenter's dead. ‫Okay. ‫Drunk uncle and girl at a
‫okay. ‫Drunk uncle and girl at a ‫party, everyone.
‫♪ if I could turn...
‫Party, everyone. ‫♪ if I could turn... ‫bettina.
‫♪ If I could turn... ‫bettina. ‫Bettina.
‫Bettina. ‫And now we will throw it over to
‫bettina. ‫And now we will throw it over to ‫you, Seth.
‫Thank you, Amy.
‫You, Seth. ‫Thank you, Amy. ‫I really appreciate it.
‫You know, it's important that we
‫spend some time tonight talking
‫you know, it's important ‫that we spend some time
‫tonight talking about ‫lorne Michaels, and no one
‫spend some time ‫tonight talking about lorne
‫Michaels, and no one knows ‫him better than our next
‫about lorne Michaels, and no one ‫knows him better than our next ‫guest.
‫Knows him better than our next ‫guest. ‫Please welcome lorne's best
‫friends from growing up.
‫[ Applause ]
‫Friends from growing up. ‫[ Applause ] ‫Hi, guys.
‫How you doing?
‫Better than anyone.
‫What's lorne really like?
‫Oh, he is the best.
‫He is relax and chill.
‫He is super down to earth and
‫he is relax and chill. ‫He is super down to earth and ‫approachable.
‫We love, we love him.
‫Approachable. ‫We love, we love him. ‫He is our buddy.
‫Totally, yes.
‫I will say sometimes he can
‫totally, yes. ‫I will say sometimes he can ‫be a little rude.
‫Yeah, like a month ago, he
‫asked US to help him move.
‫And we're like sure, of course.
‫Asked US to help him move. ‫And we're like sure, of course. ‫Help you move.
‫Have a little dinner, whatever.
‫So we get there.
‫Lorne opens the door, and he is
‫so we get there. ‫Lorne opens the door, and he is ‫like oh, you two.
‫And we're like what?
‫Like oh, you two. ‫And we're like what? ‫You invited US.
‫We don't have to be here.
‫So we look around.
‫Nothing is packed.
‫You haven't even started yet?
‫And then he starts pointing at
‫you haven't even ‫started yet? And then he
‫starts pointing at ‫paintings and saying this is
‫and then he starts ‫pointing at paintings and
‫saying this is from ‫Steve, this is from Paul,
‫paintings and saying this is ‫from Steve, this is from Paul, ‫this is from Mick.
‫From Steve, this is from Paul, ‫this is from Mick. ‫And does he mean Mick Jagger?
‫This is from Mick. ‫And does he mean Mick Jagger? ‫Just to say it.
‫I'm sorry, you guys have to
‫just to say it. ‫I'm sorry, you guys have to ‫speak up.
‫I don't think anybody can hear
‫you.
‫But also, it does sound like
‫maybe lorne can be a little
‫but also, it does sound like ‫maybe lorne can be a little ‫difficult.
‫Maybe lorne can be a little ‫difficult. ‫No.
‫Difficult. ‫No. ‫No, no.
‫No.
‫He is our friend.
‫He is our best friend.
‫He is easy-breezy crazy time,
‫he is our best friend. ‫He is easy-breezy crazy time, ‫all of it.
‫I will say he can be kind of
‫like inconsiderate.
‫Like we're packing his stuff for
‫hours, and he's gone.
‫And he comes back, and oh, hey,
‫like which bathroom can I use?
‫And he comes back, and ‫oh, hey, like which bathroom
‫can I use? And he ‫goes there is a Starbucks
‫like which bathroom can I use? ‫And he goes there is a Starbucks ‫across the street.
‫But you have to buy something
‫first.
‫So get me a latte.
‫First. ‫So get me a latte. ‫What?
‫We're helping you move.
‫Again, you guys have to speak
‫we're helping you move. ‫Again, you guys have to speak ‫up.
‫But it seems like maybe you guys
‫aren't that good a friends with
‫but it seems like maybe you guys ‫aren't that good a friends with ‫him.
‫Aren't that good a friends with ‫him. ‫Oh, no, no, no.
‫Him. ‫Oh, no, no, no. ‫Best friends.
‫He is our person.
‫My emergency contact.
‫He gets all my organs if I
‫my emergency contact. ‫He gets all my organs if I ‫die.
‫I love him so much.
‫Die. ‫I love him so much. ‫But any way, it's like it's
‫nighttime.
‫And he's like... he's like i'm
‫going to dinner, keep at it.
‫And he's like... he's ‫like i'm going to dinner,
‫keep at it. >> We've ‫been packing your stuff
‫going to dinner, keep at it. ‫We've been packing your stuff ‫all day.
‫Where are we supposed to eat?
‫All day. ‫Where are we supposed to eat? ‫And he goes, by the way you two
‫where are we supposed ‫to eat? And he goes, by
‫the way you two look, ‫I don't think you need
‫and he goes, by the way you two ‫look, I don't think you need ‫help finding food.
‫Look, I don't think you need ‫help finding food. ‫What?
‫Help finding food. ‫What? ‫He is he saying we're fat?
‫He can't talk to US like
‫he is he saying we're fat? ‫He can't talk to US like ‫that.
‫We're friends from growing up.
‫That. ‫We're friends from growing up. ‫And then he goes you guys had
‫we're friends from ‫growing up. >> And then he
‫goes you guys had a ‫problem with me from the
‫and then he goes you guys had ‫a problem with me from the ‫moment you walked in here.
‫A problem with me from the ‫moment you walked in here. ‫You didn't ask me how my day was
‫or notice my haircut.
‫You don't understand how much
‫pressure I'm under.
‫Nbc's breathing down my neck.
‫Pressure I'm under. ‫Nbc's breathing down my neck. ‫Making 100 documentaries and
‫nbc's breathing down ‫my neck. >> Making 100
‫documentaries and they ‫don't even give me a free
‫making 100 documentaries and ‫they don't even give me a free ‫membership.
‫They don't even give me a free ‫membership. ‫Guys, I can barely hear you,
‫but it sounds like you have a
‫guys, I can barely hear you, ‫but it sounds like you have a ‫deeply dysfunctional
‫relationship with him.
‫Deeply dysfunctional ‫relationship with him. ‫No.
‫Relationship with him. ‫No. ‫No, no, no.
‫It's kind of how you feel
‫no, no, no. ‫It's kind of how you feel ‫about Colin and che.
‫No, I love Colin and che.
‫About Colin and che. ‫No, I love Colin and che. ‫They're the best.
‫I will say, I do feel like their
‫they're the best. ‫I will say, I do feel like their ‫chemistry is like a work in
‫progress.
‫Chemistry is like a work in ‫progress. ‫Seth meyers, everybody.
‫Progress. ‫Seth meyers, everybody. ‫Lorne's best friends growing
‫up, everybody.
‫[ Applause ]
‫Up, everybody. ‫[ Applause ] ‫Well, you guys, you may have
‫[ applause ] ‫Well, you guys, you may have ‫seen in the lead-up, the 50th
‫well, you guys, you may have ‫seen in the lead-up, the 50th ‫anniversary there a lot of
‫"snl" -related lists and
‫rankings.
‫"Snl" -related lists and ‫rankings. ‫Here with his ranking of the
‫best weekend update anchors of
‫here with his ranking of the ‫best weekend update anchors of ‫all time, it's former update
‫anchor bill Murray.
‫All time, it's former update ‫anchor bill Murray. ‫[ Applause ]
‫Anchor bill Murray. ‫[ Applause ] ‫Thank you, Colin.
‫Let's just jump right in.
‫In honor of black history month,
‫let's just jump right ‫in. In honor of black
‫history month, I want ‫to start by ranking the
‫in honor of black history ‫month, I want to start
‫by ranking the African ‫American weekend update
‫I want to start by ranking the ‫African American weekend update ‫anchors.
‫[ Laughter ]
‫Anchors. ‫[ Laughter ] ‫We'll start with number one, and
‫[ laughter ] ‫We'll start with number one, and ‫this is by default, Michael che.
‫[ Applause ]
‫This is by default, Michael che. ‫[ Applause ] ‫Now we'll move on to the regular
‫[ applause ] ‫Now we'll move on to the regular ‫weekend update anchors.
‫Regular?
‫Weekend update anchors. ‫Regular? ‫What the hell you mean regular?
‫These are in no particular
‫what the hell you mean ‫regular? >> These are in
‫no particular order, ‫so I've listed them from
‫these are in no particular ‫order, so I've listed them from ‫worst to best.
‫Order, so I've listed them from ‫worst to best. ‫First off, I have to disqualify
‫myself because my entire time
‫first off, I have to disqualify ‫myself because my entire time ‫here I was on
‫performance-enhancing drugs.
‫Here I was on ‫performance-enhancing drugs. ‫All right.
‫Performance-enhancing drugs. ‫All right. ‫It's what we call an 88-shaker,
‫all right. ‫It's what we call an 88-shaker, ‫quaaludes, cocaine, and
‫it's what we call an 88-shaker, ‫quaaludes, cocaine, and ‫nighttime thera flu.
‫Quaaludes, cocaine, and ‫nighttime thera flu. ‫All right.
‫Nighttime thera flu. ‫All right. ‫Number 10.
‫He's one of the all-time greats,
‫number 10. ‫He's one of the all-time greats, ‫Mr. Colin Quinn.
‫Okay, okay.
‫I had you for a second.
‫Don't worry.
‫Numbers 9, 8, and 7, okay?
‫Heads up, Kevin nealon.
‫Come on!
‫Dennis Miller, and Seth meyers.
‫[ Applause ]
‫.
‫I just wish we had the time
‫tonight to say something nice
‫about any of them.
‫Tonight to say something nice ‫about any of them. ‫We actually do probably have
‫enough time.
‫We're right here at 6:00 now.
‫Enough time. ‫We're right here at 6:00 now. ‫Okay.
‫Colin, this could be you, huh?
‫Is it?
‫No, it is not.
‫The next two are controversial.
‫This was tough.
‫But I'm going to put Tina and
‫this was tough. ‫But I'm going to put Tina and ‫Amy just ahead of Tina and
‫but I'm going to put Tina and ‫Amy just ahead of Tina and ‫Jimmy.
‫Okay.
‫Sorry, Jimmy, I'm sorry.
‫And congratulations, Tina.
‫It was close, but I checked
‫and congratulations, Tina. ‫It was close, but I checked ‫online, and girl on girl is
‫it was close, but I checked ‫online, and girl on girl is ‫still very, very popular.
‫Online, and girl on girl is ‫still very, very popular. ‫Okay.
‫Still very, very popular. ‫Okay. ‫Next up, Cornelius crane chase.
‫Hmm.
‫Who we've all come to know as
‫hmm. ‫Who we've all come to know as ‫Connie.
‫Let's face it, weekend updates
‫simply would not exist without
‫let's face it, weekend updates ‫simply would not exist without ‫him.
‫Simply would not exist without ‫him. ‫So it would be wrong to have him
‫listed at anywhere but number
‫so it would be wrong to have him ‫listed at anywhere but number ‫four.
‫Listed at anywhere but number ‫four. ‫[ Applause ]
‫Four. ‫[ Applause ] ‫Number three, Jane curtain and
‫[ applause ] ‫Number three, Jane curtain and ‫Danny ackroyd.
‫[ Cheering ]
‫A true story, I was the first to
‫[ cheering ] ‫A true story, I was the first to ‫call Jane an ignorant slut.
‫Backstage.
‫Call Jane an ignorant slut. ‫Backstage. ‫Danny had the brilliant idea to
‫backstage. ‫Danny had the brilliant idea to ‫say it on camera, and really,
‫really mean it.
‫Say it on camera, and really, ‫really mean it. ‫Number two is norm McDonald.
‫Really mean it. ‫Number two is norm McDonald. ‫[ Applause ]
‫He may have been the best ever,
‫[ applause ] ‫He may have been the best ever, ‫but more importantly, he made
‫he may have been ‫the best ever, but more
‫importantly, he made me, ‫for one, ask the question of
‫but more importantly, ‫he made me, for one, ask
‫the question of myself ‫could o.J. Possibly have
‫me, for one, ask the question of ‫myself could o.J. Possibly have ‫done it?
‫Myself could o.J. Possibly have ‫done it? ‫[ Laughter ]
‫Done it? ‫[ Laughter ] ‫So that brings US to number one.
‫Colin?
‫Got a good feeling about this.
‫Okay.
‫Number one is funny, got a great
‫okay. ‫Number one is funny, got a great ‫smile, ha, and he is currently
‫number one is funny, ‫got a great smile, ha, and
‫he is currently sleeping ‫every kind of way with
‫smile, ha, and he is ‫currently sleeping every
‫kind of way with the ‫lovely actress Scarlett
‫sleeping every kind of way with ‫the lovely actress Scarlett ‫Johansson.
‫The lovely actress Scarlett ‫Johansson. ‫Of course I'm talking about my
‫brother, Brian
‫of course I'm talking about my ‫brother, Brian ‫[ Applause ]
‫Brother, Brian ‫[ Applause ] ‫What?
‫Yes.
‫Wow.
‫I'm told a very, very
‫wow. ‫I'm told a very, very ‫considerate lover.
‫I couldn't be happier to be
‫here.
‫Bill Murray, everybody.
‫Here. ‫Bill Murray, everybody. ‫I'm Michael che.
‫Good night!
‫Thank you all for coming. ‫I'm general Fairfax with the ‫u.S. Space force.
‫This is Dr. Tyler from SETI.
‫U.s. Space force. ‫This is Dr. Tyler from SETI. ‫We are eager to talk to you
‫this is Dr. Tyler from SETI. ‫We are eager to talk to you ‫as you have all experience
‫we are eager to talk to you ‫as you have all experience ‫advairified alien abduction.
‫As you have all experience ‫advairified alien abduction. ‫This is wild.
‫Advairified alien abduction. ‫This is wild. ‫One minute we're three friends
‫this is wild. ‫One minute we're three friends ‫slamming Miller tall boys behind
‫one minute we're three ‫friends slamming Miller
‫tall boys behind the ‫dollar tree, now we're
‫slamming Miller tall boys behind ‫the dollar tree, now we're ‫sitting at the Pentagon.
‫The dollar tree, now we're ‫sitting at the Pentagon. ‫Hey, I've been meaning to ask
‫like why do you call it the
‫hey, I've been ‫meaning to ask like why do
‫you call it the Pentagon ‫when it's only got five
‫like why do you call it the ‫Pentagon when it's only got five ‫sides?
‫Because a shape with five
‫sides is called a Pentagon.
‫I don't think that's right.
‫Sides is called a Pentagon. ‫I don't think that's right. ‫We'll look into it.
‫Now let's start with how you
‫we'll look into it. ‫Now let's start with how you ‫were all brought aboard the
‫now let's start with how you ‫were all brought aboard the ‫spacecraft.
‫Were all brought aboard the ‫spacecraft. ‫Well, this beam of light
‫appeared from the bottom of the
‫well, this beam of light ‫appeared from the bottom of the ‫ship.
‫Appeared from the bottom of the ‫ship. ‫Floated me up like a saw pan
‫beckoning me.
‫Same-same, and we met these
‫two beautiful glowing aliens who
‫same-same, and we met these ‫two beautiful glowing aliens who ‫took our hands and said
‫"welcome."
‫Took our hands and said ‫"welcome." ‫I've never felt so safe.
‫"Welcome." ‫I've never felt so safe. ‫And you, Ms. Rafferty?
‫Yeah, a little different for
‫and you, Ms. Rafferty? ‫Yeah, a little different for ‫me.
‫I was less cradled by light and
‫more grabbed by a giant rusty
‫I was less cradled by ‫light and more grabbed
‫by a giant rusty claw ‫which yanked me right out
‫more grabbed by a giant rusty ‫claw which yanked me right out ‫of my slacks.
‫Claw which yanked me right out ‫of my slacks. ‫So I'm pantsless, right?
‫Of my slacks. ‫So I'm pantsless, right? ‫I'm folded in half like a
‫so I'm pantsless, right? ‫I'm folded in half like a ‫wallet.
‫I'm getting winched skyward with
‫my vagita and my tragedy, and
‫I'm getting winched ‫skyward with my vagita and
‫my tragedy, and aye ‫tossed into the bottom of
‫my vagita and my tragedy, and ‫aye tossed into the bottom of ‫the ship.
‫Aye tossed into the bottom of ‫the ship. ‫I see my old pals the gray
‫aliens with the big dumb eyes.
‫I see my old pals the ‫gray aliens with the
‫big dumb eyes. >> ‫Mrs. Rafferty, I'm told this
‫aliens with the big dumb eyes. ‫Mrs. Rafferty, I'm told this ‫is your fifth time being
‫abducted by these gray aliens?
‫Is your fifth time being ‫abducted by these gray aliens? ‫Yeah.
‫Abducted by these gray aliens? ‫Yeah. ‫Only other place I've been
‫yeah. ‫Only other place I've been ‫pantsless five times is six
‫only other place I've been ‫pantsless five times is six ‫flags.
‫Pantsless five times is six ‫flags. ‫Okay, well, let's move past
‫that.
‫Now what happened next in the
‫upper part of the ship?
‫Well, the smart aliens bathed
‫US in this glowing liquid that
‫well, the smart aliens bathed ‫US in this glowing liquid that ‫erased all my pain.
‫My bad knee didn't even hurt.
‫Erased all my pain. ‫My bad knee didn't even hurt. ‫I busted it a few years back
‫my bad knee didn't even hurt. ‫I busted it a few years back ‫playing paint ball.
‫Competitive.
‫Playing paint ball. ‫Competitive. ‫I don't know why you winked
‫competitive. ‫I don't know why you winked ‫at me after saying that, but
‫let's continue.
‫At me after saying that, but ‫let's continue. ‫Were you also bathed in this
‫light, sir?
‫Huh, yes, ma'am.
‫Light, sir? ‫Huh, yes, ma'am. ‫It felt better than any drug,
‫huh, yes, ma'am. ‫It felt better than any drug, ‫including the ones I'm on right
‫it felt better than any drug, ‫including the ones I'm on right ‫now.
‫Including the ones I'm on right ‫now. ‫Now that really tweaks my
‫cheeks because down in steerage,
‫now that really tweaks my ‫cheeks because down in steerage, ‫the mood was tense.
‫Cheeks because down in steerage, ‫the mood was tense. ‫Steerage, what do you think
‫could have caused this reaction?
‫Steerage, what do ‫you think could have caused
‫this reaction? >> Well, ‫between you, me and
‫could have caused ‫this reaction? >> Well,
‫between you, me and ‫Jesus c., I think it had the
‫well, between you, me and ‫Jesus c., I think it had the ‫state of my down there hair.
‫Because remember, I'm Donald
‫ducking it, okay?
‫Shirt, no pants.
‫Ducking it, okay? ‫Shirt, no pants. ‫So I'm poke Kay bowl and my
‫shirt, no pants. ‫So I'm poke Kay bowl and my ‫smoky hole are out.
‫And pubically speaking, nature
‫has reclaimed the earth.
‫Last time I had a Brazilian down
‫there was 2002.
‫His name was Diego, and he got
‫strep throat.
‫Who mows the lawn in winter, am
‫I right?
‫Amen.
‫Not say amen to that country.
‫Mrs. Reporty, I'm failing to
‫not say amen to that ‫country. >> Mrs. Reporty,
‫I'm failing to see what ‫your unkempt private
‫Mrs. Reporty, I'm ‫failing to see what your
‫unkempt private area ‫has to do with the aliens'
‫see what your unkempt private ‫area has to do with the aliens' ‫demeanor.
‫Area has to do with the aliens' ‫demeanor. ‫Okay, my theory is they
‫thought it was an animal.
‫First, they didn't know if it
‫was friendly.
‫So they're cautious.
‫Was friendly. ‫So they're cautious. ‫They're going up the cabinet,
‫so they're cautious. ‫They're going up the cabinet, ‫and they're going... and then,
‫they're going up the ‫cabinet, and they're going
‫and then, then, the ‫Alpha comes in, and he
‫and they're going... and then, ‫then, the Alpha comes in, and he ‫challenges it, right.
‫Then, the Alpha comes in, and he ‫challenges it, right. ‫He goes like this.
‫Challenges it, right. ‫He goes like this. ‫Hehhhhh!
‫So he gives a thumbs-up like
‫hehhhhh! ‫So he gives a thumbs-up like ‫we're good, it's tame.
‫And whoa, it's play time.
‫We're good, it's tame. ‫And whoa, it's play time. ‫And one of them comes up under
‫and whoa, it's play time. ‫And one of them comes up under ‫it, puts it on like a wig, and
‫and one of them comes ‫up under it, puts it on
‫like a wig, and he's like ‫doing frat comedy, and
‫it, puts it on like a ‫wig, and he's like doing
‫frat comedy, and another ‫one, he is so excited,
‫he's like doing frat ‫comedy, and another one,
‫he is so excited, he ‫is wrestling with it, like
‫another one, he is so ‫excited, he is wrestling
‫with it, like it's his ‫brother, pulling me all
‫he is wrestling with it, like ‫it's his brother, pulling me all ‫around the room.
‫It's his brother, pulling me all ‫around the room. ‫So I look down.
‫Around the room. ‫So I look down. ‫I see a guy between my legs with
‫so I look down. ‫I see a guy between my legs with ‫a smile on his face.
‫I don't know.
‫A smile on his face. ‫I don't know. ‫First time for everything.
‫Amen.
‫Okay, again, not a thing to
‫amen. ‫Okay, again, not a thing to ‫say amen to.
‫And this goes on about 15
‫minutes until who comes to the
‫and this goes on about 15 ‫minutes until who comes to the ‫door but my frigging mother,
‫Colleen sr.
‫Door but my frigging mother, ‫Colleen sr. ‫Yes.
‫We actually had some questions
‫yes. ‫We actually had some questions ‫for her as well.
‫I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.
‫For her as well. ‫I'm here, I'm here, I'm here. ‫[ Applause ]
‫Sorry, sorry, my bathroom
‫[ applause ] ‫Sorry, sorry, my bathroom ‫break took longer than I
‫sorry, sorry, my bathroom ‫break took longer than I ‫thought.
‫Break took longer than I ‫thought. ‫My number one turned into a
‫number three.
‫Mega mill of alert.
‫Number three. ‫Mega mill of alert. ‫Not.
‫Now Mrs. Rafferty, you had been
‫not. ‫Now Mrs. Rafferty, you had been ‫abducted earlier that same
‫now Mrs. Rafferty, you had been ‫abducted earlier that same ‫evening?
‫Abducted earlier that same ‫evening? ‫Yep.
‫Evening? ‫Yep. ‫US Rafferty gals, we always
‫yep. ‫US Rafferty gals, we always ‫attracted the freaks.
‫For years I thought Colleen's
‫father was part alien, but it
‫for years I thought Colleen's ‫father was part alien, but it ‫turns out he was just
‫uncircumcised.
‫Turns out he was just ‫uncircumcised. ‫Amen.
‫Uncircumcised. ‫Amen. ‫Please, stop.
‫Stop.
‫Any way, I still had my pants
‫stop. ‫Any way, I still had my pants ‫on when they took me, but that
‫any way, I still had ‫my pants on when they
‫took me, but that was ‫good because much like her,
‫on when they took me, but that ‫was good because much like her, ‫I got a into the woods
‫situation.
‫My ex used to say that it was
‫like trying to hack his way
‫my ex used to say that it was ‫like trying to hack his way ‫through the black forest.
‫Like trying to hack his way ‫through the black forest. ‫Okay.
‫Through the black forest. ‫Okay. ‫Okay.
‫I feel like we're off track.
‫You said that after arriving on
‫I feel like we're ‫off track. You said that
‫after arriving on the ‫ship, the aliens lost
‫you said that after arriving on ‫the ship, the aliens lost ‫interest and, quote, stuck you
‫in a closet?
‫Interest and, quote, stuck you ‫in a closet? ‫Yeah, yes.
‫In a closet? ‫Yeah, yes. ‫Can you believe that?
‫I mean, hey, I'm used to being
‫can you believe that? ‫I mean, hey, I'm used to being ‫stuffed into those closets, but
‫I mean, hey, I'm used ‫to being stuffed into those
‫closets, but it's usually ‫when the guy's wife
‫stuffed into those closets, ‫but it's usually when
‫the guy's wife comes ‫home later or earlier or
‫it's usually when the guy's wife ‫comes home later or earlier or ‫whatever.
‫Comes home later or earlier or ‫whatever. ‫So all of the sudden I hear this
‫screaming, this one.
‫And so I just kind of... just
‫kind of bust out of that... I
‫and so I just kind of ‫just kind of bust out
‫of that... I just bust ‫out, and I just kicked
‫kind of bust out of ‫that... I just bust out,
‫and I just kicked those ‫little... I just kicked
‫just bust out, and I just kicked ‫those little... I just kicked ‫those little p ervs away.
‫Those little... I just kicked ‫those little p ervs away. ‫Wow, you are a good mama.
‫Those little p ervs away. ‫Wow, you are a good mama. ‫Yeah, well, a good mother can
‫wow, you are a good mama. ‫Yeah, well, a good mother can ‫also be a gad girl.
‫What's your name, mustache?
‫Also be a gad girl. ‫What's your name, mustache? ‫Okay, can we not do any of
‫what's your name, mustache? ‫Okay, can we not do any of ‫that right now, please?
‫How did you all exit the
‫spacecraft?
‫That same soft light picked
‫me up and placed me back in my
‫that same soft light picked ‫me up and placed me back in my ‫bed.
‫Me up and placed me back in my ‫bed. ‫Me too.
‫Bed. ‫Me too. ‫That light even tucked me in,
‫me too. ‫That light even tucked me in, ‫which was so thoughtful of it.
‫That light even tucked ‫me in, which was so
‫thoughtful of it. >> And ‫how did you two depart
‫which was so thoughtful of it. ‫And how did you two depart ‫the spacecraft?
‫Well, in the past I've just
‫been pushed out of a hatch, but
‫well, in the past ‫I've just been pushed out
‫of a hatch, but this time ‫that's what happened
‫been pushed out of a hatch, but ‫this time that's what happened ‫too.
‫This time that's what happened ‫too. ‫[ Laughter ]
‫Too. ‫[ Laughter ] ‫Yeah, but my pants got
‫[ laughter ] ‫Yeah, but my pants got ‫snagged on a piece of metal, so
‫yeah, but my pants got ‫snagged on a piece of metal, so ‫they're gone.
‫Snagged on a piece of metal, so ‫they're gone. ‫And then as for underwear,
‫underwear wise, this devil wears
‫and then as for underwear, ‫underwear wise, this devil wears ‫nada.
‫Underwear wise, this devil wears ‫nada. ‫[ Applause ]
‫Nada. ‫[ Applause ] ‫Basically, we kind of it was
‫[ applause ] ‫Basically, we kind of it was ‫a free-fall for 40 feet with our
‫basically, we kind ‫of it was a free-fall for
‫40 feet with our Crockett's ‫and our parapets on
‫a free-fall for 40 feet with our ‫Crockett's and our parapets on ‫full display.
‫We crashed through a ceiling.
‫Full display. ‫We crashed through a ceiling. ‫We land ass up on top of Phil
‫we crashed through a ceiling. ‫We land ass up on top of Phil ‫mcdermott.
‫And who is Phil mcdermott?
‫Mcdermott. ‫And who is Phil mcdermott? ‫He is a gentleman whose
‫and who is Phil mcdermott? ‫He is a gentleman whose ‫family I bet wished they went
‫he is a gentleman whose ‫family I bet wished they went ‫with the closed cassette
‫funeral.
‫With the closed cassette ‫funeral. ‫[ Laughter ]
‫Funeral. ‫[ Laughter ] ‫Not the worst thing my mom
‫[ laughter ] ‫Not the worst thing my mom ‫and I have done in a church.
‫Not the worst thing ‫my mom and I have done
‫in a church. >> Please, ‫let's not finish that
‫and I have done in a church. ‫Please, let's not finish that ‫story at all.
‫Thank you for your candor.
‫Story at all. ‫Thank you for your candor. ‫We're going to take you for some
‫thank you for your candor. ‫We're going to take you for some ‫psychological tests now.
‫Oh, we'll save you the
‫trouble.
‫Fail.
‫Trouble. ‫Fail. ‫[ Cheers and applause ]
‫♪♪ ‫that's right. ‫It was early, only 50 bucks.
‫That's right. ‫It was early, only 50 bucks. ‫Young man.
‫Oh my god, laraine Newman.
‫Would you mind keeping the
‫oh my god, laraine Newman. ‫Would you mind keeping the ‫studio open a few minutes
‫would you mind keeping the ‫studio open a few minutes ‫longer?
‫Studio open a few minutes ‫longer? ‫Of course, take as long as
‫you need.
‫♪♪ ‫god. ‫Excuse me?
‫God. ‫Excuse me? ‫What up?
‫Oh, you startled me, that's
‫what up? ‫Oh, you startled me, that's ‫all.
‫I thought I was alone.
‫All. ‫I thought I was alone. ‫I'm larrain.
‫Okay.
‫What's your name?
‫Chad.
‫Hi, Chad.
‫I'm sorry to disturb you.
‫I used to work here.
‫Back when the show first
‫started.
‫Hey, Chad, Chad, do you think
‫maybe you could take a
‫hey, Chad, Chad, do you think ‫maybe you could take a ‫five-minute break?
‫Maybe you could take a ‫five-minute break? ‫I was hoping to have a quiet
‫moment in here.
‫Okay.
‫Moment in here. ‫Okay. ‫Actually, would you join me.
‫It might be nice to have some
‫actually, would you join me. ‫It might be nice to have some ‫company.
‫Okay.
‫♪♪ ‫wow, look at US. ‫Look at our clothes.
‫Wow, look at US. ‫Look at our clothes. ‫Gay.
‫God, I look so young, but you
‫gay. ‫God, I look so young, but you ‫know what I had in 1975?
‫Big ass bush?
‫Know what I had in 1975? ‫Big ass bush? ‫No.
‫I had ambition.
‫We all did, but god, we were
‫terrified.
‫I think that's why we clung to
‫each other like we did, which of
‫I think that's why we ‫clung to each other like
‫we did, which of course ‫created its own problems
‫each other like we did, ‫which of course created
‫its own problems with ‫the partying and sex.
‫Course created its own problems ‫with the partying and sex. ‫What up?
‫With the partying and sex. ‫What up? ‫If I wasn't wild, I would
‫what up? ‫If I wasn't wild, I would ‫have been all over you back
‫if I wasn't wild, I would ‫have been all over you back ‫then.
‫Have been all over you back ‫then. ‫But I'm not like that anymore.
‫Then. ‫But I'm not like that anymore. ‫Okay.
‫Chad, would you do me a
‫okay. ‫Chad, would you do me a ‫favor?
‫Do me.
‫Favor? ‫Do me. ‫Would you put a follow spot
‫do me. ‫Would you put a follow spot ‫on me?
‫I just want to feel what it's
‫like to walk on to that stage
‫one more time.
‫Like to walk on to that stage ‫one more time. ‫Okay.
‫One more time. ‫Okay. ‫I'm ready, Chad.
‫My bad!
‫My bad.
‫So unflattering.
‫My bad.
‫There we go.
‫I can almost hear the laughs,
‫there we go. ‫I can almost hear the laughs, ‫Chad.
‫The band, that famous sacks, I
‫can almost feel what it was like
‫the band, that famous ‫sacks, I can almost feel
‫what it was like when ‫all of this was new.
‫Can almost feel what it was like ‫when all of this was new. ‫Okay.
‫When all of this was new. ‫Okay. ‫I can almost see my old
‫okay. ‫I can almost see my old ‫friends.
‫Thanks for indulging me, Chad.
‫Friends. ‫Thanks for indulging me, Chad. ‫I have so many wonderful
‫thanks for indulging me, Chad. ‫I have so many wonderful ‫memories here.
‫I'm sure you do too.
‫Memories here. ‫I'm sure you do too. ‫I hope you realize how lucky you
‫are to work here, Chad.
‫It's a pretty magical place.
‫Are to work here, Chad. ‫It's a pretty magical place. ‫Okay.
‫[ Applause ]
‫♪
‫[ applause ] ‫♪ ‫[ Cheering ]
‫[ Cheers and applause ] ‫Ladies and gentlemen, Adam ‫sandler.
‫Yeah, baby!
‫Sandler. ‫Yeah, baby! ‫Let's hear it for Jack, baby.
‫Jack made it out tonight!
‫Love you, brother.
‫Okay, here we go.
‫♪ everyone in this room has
‫okay, here we go. ‫♪ everyone in this room has ‫something in common ♪
‫♪ all of our lives were changed
‫by the show ♪
‫♪ everyone in this room has
‫something else in common, none
‫of US were allowed to use the
‫little bathroom in lorne's
‫office ♪
‫♪ 50 years, 50 years, Saturday
‫night live has been on for 50
‫years ♪
‫♪ 50 years of your sketch
‫killing at read-through and
‫finding out they didn't take it
‫killing at read-through ‫and finding out they
‫didn't take it because ‫the host didn't want to
‫finding out they didn't take it ‫because the host didn't want to ‫take off his shirt ♪
‫♪ 50 years, of Tuesday late
‫night pizza ♪
‫♪ 35 years of pepto-bismol from
‫nurse Theresa ♪
‫yeah, baby!
‫Nurse Theresa ♪ ‫yeah, baby! ‫♪ 50 years of the cast looking
‫straight at the cue cards, and
‫♪ 50 years of the cast ‫looking straight at the
‫cue cards, and 30 years ‫of drunk Wally holding
‫straight at the cue ‫cards, and 30 years of
‫drunk Wally holding the ‫cue cards upside down ♪
‫30 years of drunk Wally holding ‫the cue cards upside down ♪ ‫that a baby, Wally!
‫The cue cards upside down ♪ ‫that a baby, Wally! ‫♪ 50 years of writers seeing
‫Steven Spielberg at lorne's
‫♪ 50 years of writers ‫seeing Steven Spielberg
‫at lorne's monitors, ‫not laughing at one of
‫Steven Spielberg at ‫lorne's monitors, not
‫laughing at one of his ‫sketches that he obviously
‫monitors, not laughing at one of ‫his sketches that he obviously ‫hated ♪
‫♪ 50 years of those same writers
‫getting wasted at the after
‫party ♪
‫♪ and loudly telling everybody
‫that jaws was overrated ♪
‫♪ and loudly telling ‫everybody that jaws was
‫overrated ♪ ♪ 50 years ‫of prank calling some
‫that jaws was overrated ♪ ‫♪ 50 years of prank calling some ‫"New York" magazine critic, ♪
‫♪ 50 years of prank ‫calling some "New York"
‫magazine critic, ♪ ♪ 50 ‫years of finding out your
‫"New York" magazine critic, ♪ ‫♪ 50 years of finding out your ‫favorite musician's
‫antisemitic ♪
‫♪ 50 years of asking an intern
‫to pick up your laundry at 2:30
‫♪ 50 years of asking ‫an intern to pick up your
‫laundry at 2:30 A.M., ‫not realizing that the
‫to pick up your ‫laundry at 2:30 A.M., not
‫realizing that the intern ‫was Martin scorsese's kid
‫A.M., not realizing that ‫the intern was Martin
‫scorsese's kid or Nora ‫efron's kid or Randy
‫intern was Martin ‫scorsese's kid or Nora efron's
‫kid or Randy Newman's ‫kid or whoever lorne
‫or Nora efron's kid or Randy ‫Newman's kid or whoever lorne ‫had dinner with on Wednesday
‫night's kid ♪
‫♪ 50 years from cast members
‫saying I'm not getting on
‫enough ♪
‫♪ their spirits are broken and
‫their hearts are full of
‫malice ♪
‫♪ 50 years of them storming off
‫to tell lorne how they really
‫feel ♪
‫♪ then chickening out and saying
‫hey lorne, I knitted this scarf
‫for Alice ♪
‫♪ 50 years of waking up Sunday
‫afternoon to threats, 50 years
‫♪ 50 years of waking ‫up Sunday afternoon to
‫threats, 50 years of ‫downing writing that cold
‫afternoon to threats, ‫50 years of downing
‫writing that cold open ‫five minutes until dress,
‫of downing writing that cold ‫open five minutes until dress, ‫and Colin ♪
‫♪ 50 years of wondering who is
‫going to take over the show when
‫♪ 50 years of wondering ‫who is going to take
‫over the show when ‫lorne retires, but everyone
‫going to take over the ‫show when lorne retires,
‫but everyone knows ‫the answer is of course is
‫lorne retires, but everyone ‫knows the answer is of course is ‫petey ♪
‫♪ 50 years of young comedians
‫getting hired for other shows ♪
‫♪ 50 years of young ‫comedians getting hired
‫for other shows ♪ ♪ ‫stand-up second city in all
‫getting hired for other shows ♪ ‫♪ stand-up second city in all ‫the rest ♪
‫♪ 50 years of cast members
‫saying I think our cast is the
‫greatest of all time ♪
‫♪ but we all know that the first
‫cast was the best ♪
‫♪ and because of them we got
‫four years of Eddie Murphy,
‫eight years of will forte ♪
‫♪ five years of chan hooks and
‫gilda, six of Victoria, 11 of
‫chase ♪
‫♪ three years of Melanie
‫hutsell, Michael mckeon crushed
‫it in two ♪
‫♪ one in Billy crystal, six of
‫Dennis Miller, eight of Harvey
‫the blue ♪
‫♪ seven years of, five years
‫Terry and Quinn, four of
‫klingon, 11 of armisen ♪
‫♪ 14 years of Davis and handy,
‫Schiller, 18 of ammon and disco,
‫♪ 14 years of Davis ‫and handy, Schiller, 18 of
‫ammon and disco, 30 ‫years of downey, 45 years of
‫Schiller, 18 of ammon and disco, ‫30 years of downey, 45 years of ‫lorne ♪
‫♪ six years of our boy farley,
‫five of our buddy norm ♪
‫♪ 50 years of one of US getting
‫to say live from New York, it's
‫Saturday night ♪
‫♪ 50 years of standing on home
‫base, waving good night and
‫goodbye ♪
‫♪ 50 years of the best times of
‫our lives ♪♪
‫all right!
‫Our lives ♪♪ ‫all right! ‫Thank you, all!
‫All right! ‫Thank you, all! ‫[ Cheers and applause ]
‫BMW. ‫Hot dogs and heroin, get ‫your hot dogs and heroin here.
‫Hello, kind sir.
‫Your hot dogs and heroin here. ‫Hello, kind sir. ‫We just moved here from the
‫hello, kind sir. ‫We just moved here from the ‫small towns we grew up in.
‫That's right.
‫Small towns we grew up in. ‫That's right. ‫We're both young and of the same
‫that's right. ‫We're both young and of the same ‫age, with dreams of making it
‫we're both young and ‫of the same age, with
‫dreams of making it big ‫here in New York City.
‫Age, with dreams of making it ‫big here in New York City. ‫You're moving to New York
‫now?
‫It's 1975.
‫Now? ‫It's 1975. ‫New York is dying.
‫It's a bankrupt hell hole.
‫Oh, it is?
‫Well, let's get out of here.
‫No.
‫We're poets and dreamers, and
‫no. ‫We're poets and dreamers, and ‫New York can where we belong.
‫So one hot dog with heroin,
‫please.
‫Very well.
‫Please. ‫Very well. ‫Hot dog and heroin, tell these
‫very well. ‫Hot dog and heroin, tell these ‫boys what New York City is all
‫hot dog and heroin, tell these ‫boys what New York City is all ‫about.
‫Boys what New York City is all ‫about. ‫♪♪
‫About. ‫♪♪ ‫♪ baby look at me, and tell me
‫what you see ♪
‫♪ this old city is going to
‫hell ♪
‫♪ urine is all you can smell ♪
‫♪ fame, you're going to get shot
‫♪ urine is all you can ‫smell ♪ ♪ fame, you're
‫going to get shot in ‫a taxi, you're going to
‫♪ fame, you're going to get shot ‫in a taxi, you're going to ‫stabbed on the train ♪
‫♪ the president... baby remember
‫the game ♪
‫♪♪
‫[ applause ] ‫Whoa, where are we now, John? ‫It's the 1980s.
‫We're at a power lunch on wall
‫it's the 1980s. ‫We're at a power lunch on wall ‫street.
‫Oh, New York is fine now?
‫Street. ‫Oh, New York is fine now? ‫If you're white, yes.
‫It's all thanks to the boom on
‫if you're white, yes. ‫It's all thanks to the boom on ‫the stock market and a new diet
‫it's all thanks to the ‫boom on the stock market
‫and a new diet that's ‫been sweeping the city.
‫The stock market and a new diet ‫that's been sweeping the city. ‫Cocaine and some vodka.
‫That's been sweeping the city. ‫Cocaine and some vodka. ‫What a wonderful fame.
‫Cocaine and some vodka, it's how
‫what a wonderful fame. ‫Cocaine and some vodka, it's how ‫the mets win their games.
‫Cocaine and some vodka, ‫it's how the mets win
‫their games. ♪ no ‫sleeping, for a couple of
‫the mets win their games. ‫♪ no sleeping, for a couple of ‫days ♪
‫♪ it's the power lift that
‫shrinks your dick ♪
‫♪ cocaine and vodka ♪
‫♪ vodka, wow.
‫♪ Cocaine and vodka ♪ ‫♪ vodka, wow. ‫I think Kinsey is going to be
‫psyched.
‫Won't it make it harder for
‫artists like me to live here?
‫It will.
‫Artists like me to live here? ‫It will. ‫And as we enter the '90s, times
‫it will. ‫And as we enter the '90s, times ‫square will be transformed from
‫and as we enter the ‫'90s, times square will
‫be transformed from ‫pimps and photographers to
‫square will be transformed from ‫pimps and photographers to ‫something filthier, cartoon
‫mascots.
‫Something filthier, cartoon ‫mascots. ‫But the old guard will not go
‫quietly.
‫♪ look down, look down, you're
‫standing in my grave ♪
‫♪ look down you fool, I have
‫served ♪
‫♪ you will never change, I swear
‫I do, you know nothing, two for
‫eight ♪
‫♪
‫eight ♪ ♪ ♪♪
‫♪ ‫♪♪ ‫♪ but look, it's the one who
‫will unite them, the one
‫character in Times Square whose
‫family friendly but also a
‫prostitute, the green MandM.
‫Family friendly but also a ‫prostitute, the green MandM. ‫♪♪
‫Prostitute, the green MandM. ‫♪♪ ‫♪ I dreamed a dream I'm... cough
‫cough... and I was high on meth
‫and skittles ♪
‫♪ so different than it used to
‫be, so different from this hell
‫I'm living ♪
‫♪ so different now that it used
‫to be, but Julie killed the
‫dream I dreamed ♪
‫what are you doing?
‫Dream I dreamed ♪ ‫what are you doing? ‫Stop.
‫What are you doing? ‫Stop. ‫What are you doing?
‫That's right, Rudy giuliani,
‫what are you doing? ‫That's right, Rudy giuliani, ‫here in post-9/11 New York, the
‫that's right, Rudy ‫giuliani, here in post-9/11
‫New York, the city ‫has rallied like never
‫here in post-9/11 New York, the ‫city has rallied like never ‫before.
‫City has rallied like never ‫before. ‫Rudy, Rudy, you're america's
‫mayor.
‫You're beloved all across the
‫country, this is your big shot.
‫You're beloved all ‫across the country, this is
‫your big shot. What ‫are you going to do with
‫country, this is your big shot. ‫What are you going to do with ‫it?
‫Simple.
‫It? ‫Simple. ‫I am throwing away my shots.
‫I am throwing my shots.
‫Anyone and I am throwing away my
‫shots.
‫♪♪ whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
‫♪ rise up, a rise up, I'll plant
‫the thieves, and rise up,
‫getting crazy, going to rise
‫up ♪
‫♪ rise up, and just like a city,
‫buzz he is going away, I am
‫throwing away ♪
‫[ Cheers and applause ]
‫Throwing away ♪ ‫[ Cheers and applause ] ‫Then after Michael bloomberg
‫[ cheers and applause ] ‫Then after Michael bloomberg ‫took New York to new heights.
‫Then after Michael ‫bloomberg took New York
‫to new heights. >> In ‫terms of how unaffordable
‫took New York to new heights. ‫In terms of how unaffordable ‫it became.
‫Great impression.
‫It became. ‫Great impression. ‫And sylvie blasio brought ill
‫great impression. ‫And sylvie blasio brought ill ‫brought US universal di care.
‫Yeah, that right.
‫Brought US universal di care. ‫Yeah, that right. ‫Homeless dudes want to push
‫yeah, that right. ‫Homeless dudes want to push ‫people on to the subway track,
‫homeless dudes want to push ‫people on to the subway track, ‫they got it.
‫People on to the subway track, ‫they got it. ‫Somehow New York today feels
‫like it's back in the '70s, back
‫somehow New York today feels ‫like it's back in the '70s, back ‫on skid row.
‫Like it's back in the '70s, back ‫on skid row. ‫That's right.
‫On skid row. ‫That's right. ‫Skid row.
‫Oh my god, who hit you,
‫skid row. ‫Oh my god, who hit you, ‫Colin?
‫No.
‫Not this time.
‫You see, there is a new menace
‫not this time. ‫You see, there is a new menace ‫on the streets of our city.
‫♪♪
‫On the streets of our city. ‫♪♪ ‫♪ suddenly evites, they're
‫flying around me, on the
‫sidewalk and suddenly e-bikes,
‫they're trying to kill you, it's
‫like from midnight ies ♪
‫[ Applause ]
‫Like from midnight ies ♪ ‫[ Applause ] ‫Then why even live in new
‫[ applause ] ‫Then why even live in new ‫York anymore?
‫It's too loud, it's too
‫dangerous.
‫They gives rats free birth
‫control, but not human women?
‫They gives rats free ‫birth control, but not
‫human women? I mean, ‫if this is what New York
‫control, but not human women? ‫I mean, if this is what New York ‫is, I'm out.
‫Wait, Pete, and where did
‫spade go, by the way?
‫Oh, he sat back down in the
‫audience.
‫Yeah, I got a feel for it.
‫Audience. ‫Yeah, I got a feel for it. ‫Pete, before you turn your
‫yeah, I got a feel ‫for it. >> Pete, before
‫you turn your back on ‫New York, remember what
‫Pete, before you turn your ‫back on New York, remember what ‫this city gave you.
‫Back on New York, remember what ‫this city gave you. ‫Herpes?
‫This city gave you. ‫Herpes? ‫No, this city didn't give you
‫herpes? ‫No, this city didn't give you ‫that.
‫I remember how the city inspired
‫you.
‫Just because the art scene and
‫the music scene are dead and the
‫just because the art ‫scene and the music scene
‫are dead and the city is ‫a bunch of td banks and
‫the music scene are dead and the ‫city is a bunch of td banks and ‫you can't just give up.
‫City is a bunch of td banks and ‫you can't just give up. ‫I'm just asking you, nay, all of
‫you can't just give ‫up. I'm just asking you,
‫nay, all of US here, ‫to still believe in the
‫I'm just asking you, ‫nay, all of US here, to still
‫believe in the power ‫of New York, and to give
‫US here, to still believe in the ‫power of New York, and to give ‫the city we love...
‫Power of New York, and to give ‫the city we love... ‫♪♪
‫The city we love... ‫♪♪ ‫♪ one day more, another
‫destiny ♪
‫♪ still having a horse and
‫carriage, how can it be ♪
‫♪ even though it's full of guns,
‫carriage, how can it ‫be ♪ ♪ even though it's
‫full of guns, there is ‫no place I would spend
‫♪ even though it's full of guns, ‫there is no place I would spend ‫my time ♪
‫♪ I would not live another
‫place ♪
‫yes.
‫Place ♪ ‫yes. ‫♪ though we cannot afford
‫apartments ♪
‫♪ one day more, we will unite
‫again ♪
‫♪ our rise to power merely...
‫Again ♪ ‫♪ our rise to power merely... ‫one day more ♪
‫♪ revolution, how to stop the
‫violent crime, most cities don't
‫have more people, here it
‫happens all the time ♪
‫♪ I dreamed a dream that king
‫Kong died, then I remembered
‫he's in Florida ♪
‫♪ I place is here, I fight with
‫you ♪
‫♪ tomorrow we'll discover what
‫our city has in store, one more
‫♪ tomorrow we'll ‫discover what our city has
‫in store, one more time, ‫one more day, one day
‫our city has in store, one more ‫time, one more day, one day ‫more ♪♪
‫[ Cheers and applause ]
‫Sfliefnlgt, 17-time host, Alec ‫Baldwin. ‫Thank you.
‫Thank you very much.
‫Good evening, everyone.
‫I'm Alex Baldwin.
‫I should have corrected you
‫about that a long time ago.
‫I'm here to introduce some of
‫about that a long ‫time ago. I'm here to
‫introduce some of the ‫best commercial parodies to
‫I'm here to introduce ‫some of the best commercial
‫parodies to ever appear ‫on "Saturday night
‫the best commercial parodies to ‫ever appear on "Saturday night ‫live."
‫Ever appear on "Saturday night ‫live." ‫I'm also like to thank the fine
‫folks who are sponsoring this
‫soygd.
‫Folks who are sponsoring this ‫soygd. ‫Segment.
‫Soygd. ‫Segment. ‫Are you having trouble falling
‫segment. ‫Are you having trouble falling ‫asleep?
‫Nothing puts people... nothing
‫puts people to sleep faster than
‫nothing puts people... ‫Nothing puts people to
‫sleep faster than the ‫sketches to air after
‫puts people to sleep faster than ‫the sketches to air after ‫update.
‫The sketches to air after ‫update. ‫We also third year veneers.
‫Update. ‫We also third year veneers. ‫Arrived here with no money and
‫we also third year ‫veneers. Arrived here with
‫no money and gaffed ‫up teeth, by year three,
‫arrived here with no ‫money and gaffed up teeth,
‫by year three, you ‫better believe they're
‫gaffed up teeth, by year three, ‫you better believe they're ‫getting third year veneers.
‫You better believe they're ‫getting third year veneers. ‫Right, Sam?
‫Getting third year veneers. ‫Right, Sam? ‫You bet, Alex.
‫Just never bite into an
‫you bet, Alex. ‫Just never bite into an ‫apple.
‫And now without further ado,
‫here are some commercials.
‫[ Applause ]
‫Here are some commercials. ‫[ Applause ] ‫You just go ahead, have a
‫[ applause ] ‫You just go ahead, have a ‫talk with the your old grandma.
‫You're still having control
‫problems, aren't you?
‫I don't feel confident,
‫Harvey.
‫Come with me.
‫I'll let you in on a little
‫come with me. ‫I'll let you in on a little ‫secret.
‫Here we are.
‫Secret. ‫Here we are. ‫Oops, I pooped my pants.
‫A lot of miles that day and
‫oops, I pooped my pants. ‫A lot of miles that day and ‫downed a lot of donuts.
‫Have been on my tray table since
‫I was a kid.
‫Well, there is fiber and
‫there is high fiber.
‫Colon blow.
‫There is high fiber. ‫Colon blow. ‫I think I get the picture.
‫Get the edge.
‫Hi, I'm Mel where you find
‫get the edge. ‫Hi, I'm Mel where you find ‫your own towel, you cut your own
‫hi, I'm Mel where you find ‫your own towel, you cut your own ‫steaks.
‫Your own towel, you cut your own ‫steaks. ‫Wilson trap doors.
‫Steaks. ‫Wilson trap doors. ‫Watch, the British toupee.
‫But can it copy your ad?
‫The xerox 790 ad check can.
‫Why not share the most moment
‫the xerox 790 ad check can. ‫Why not share the most moment ‫of them all with the love
‫why not share the most moment ‫of them all with the love ‫toilet.
‫Of them all with the love ‫toilet. ‫♪♪
‫Toilet. ‫♪♪ ‫the canon ae 1, a Cannon so
‫simple, even Stevie wonder can
‫use it.
‫Simple, even Stevie wonder can ‫use it. ‫Robots are everywhere.
‫Use it. ‫Robots are everywhere. ‫And they eat all people's
‫robots are everywhere. ‫And they eat all people's ‫medicine for fuel.
‫Now there is a company that
‫offers coverage against the
‫now there is a company that ‫offers coverage against the ‫unfortunate event of a robot
‫attack, old glory insurance.
‫Unfortunate event of a robot ‫attack, old glory insurance. ‫Discontinue use of happy fun
‫ball if any of the following
‫discontinue use of happy fun ‫ball if any of the following ‫occurs.
‫Ball if any of the following ‫occurs. ‫This mother's day, give her
‫something that says I'm not a
‫this mother's day, give her ‫something that says I'm not a ‫woman anymore.
‫Something that says I'm not a ‫woman anymore. ‫I'm a mom.
‫Woman anymore. ‫I'm a mom. ‫With Tylenol P.M., I know i'm
‫going get a good night sleep.
‫With Tylenol P.M., I ‫know i'm going get a good
‫night sleep. I Salim ‫through my first dump in
‫going get a good night sleep. ‫I Salim through my first dump in ‫the morning.
‫Did you [ Bleep ] the bed?
‫The morning. ‫Did you [ Bleep ] the bed? ‫Now with ecstasy.
‫Nutraquick suppository.
‫Jon hamm's Jon hamm.
‫Crystal gravy.
‫Baby's thing.
‫Baby's toupee.
‫Tampon, made for a woman by a
‫baby's toupee. ‫Tampon, made for a woman by a ‫republican.
‫It's a robot and it cleans my
‫business, my lady business, and
‫it's a robot and it cleans my ‫business, my lady business, and ‫I like that.
‫Business, my lady business, and ‫I like that. ‫Using bosley's breakthrough
‫technique, harvested from the
‫using bosley's ‫breakthrough technique,
‫harvested from the ‫mezzanine and brought to the
‫technique, harvested from the ‫mezzanine and brought to the ‫head.
‫Mezzanine and brought to the ‫head. ‫That's what I call taco.
‫Head. ‫That's what I call taco. ‫Well, it's not a taco town,
‫that's what I call ‫taco. >> Well, it's not
‫a taco town, taco, ‫until we roll it up in a
‫well, it's not a taco town, ‫taco, until we roll it up in a ‫blueberry pancake.
‫Taco, until we roll it up in a ‫blueberry pancake. ‫It's almost pizza, pizza that
‫is practically in every way
‫it's almost pizza, pizza that ‫is practically in every way ‫except for a few key once.
‫Is practically in every way ‫except for a few key once. ‫I'll eat it.
‫Except for a few key once. ‫I'll eat it. ‫No!
‫Absolutely not.
‫Is it a b shirt?
‫Is it a c shirt?
‫No, a z shirt.
‫For when you realize you love
‫no, a z shirt. ‫For when you realize you love ‫Taylor swift.
‫Babe, we need those.
‫What's going on back there?
‫[ Bleep ] Love function guy.
‫What's going on back ‫there? [ Bleep ] Love
‫function guy. >> You ‫can't smoke in here, man.
‫[ Bleep ] Love function guy. ‫You can't smoke in here, man. ‫You're smoking in here.
‫We've got toilet.
‫Ozempic for ramadan.
‫Xanax for gay summer
‫ozempic for ramadan. ‫Xanax for gay summer ‫weddings.
‫Freeways.
‫Weddings. ‫Freeways. ‫Undercover office potty.
‫Bathroom cobra.
‫Rogaine.
‫Deluxe 2.
‫With a smile that says yum.
‫Introducing Wells for
‫with a smile that says yum. ‫Introducing Wells for ‫sensitive little boys.
‫You want to do the commercial
‫anymore?
‫Okay.
‫Anymore? ‫Okay. ‫He wants to go back to the well.
‫[ Applause ]
‫I agree.
‫I think needs a vacation.
‫I agree.
‫Hello.
‫Hi, I'm Betty.
‫Welcome to Bronx beat.
‫Yes.
‫This is a very special
‫yes. ‫This is a very special ‫episode because we are coming
‫this is a very special ‫episode because we are coming ‫from the "snl" 50th anniversary
‫show.
‫From the "snl" 50th anniversary ‫show. ‫Right.
‫Show. ‫Right. ‫Ooh la la!
‫[ Applause ]
‫I am seeing so many icons.
‫What an incredible night.
‫We got very famous people in
‫what an incredible night. ‫We got very famous people in ‫the audience.
‫Actor, actor.
‫The audience. ‫Actor, actor. ‫Actor.
‫Conan o'brien.
‫Actor, actor.
‫And look at this guy.
‫Oh, yeah.
‫He's a cutie.
‫Hey, hi.
‫Who you?
‫Hi, cutie.
‫What do you do?
‫I'm an actor.
‫Oh, you know what?
‫Honey, get up here.
‫Come on.
‫[ Applause ]
‫Hurry up.
‫We don't have time.
‫The show is 30 minutes.
‫Okay.
‫Okay, okay.
‫So tell US your name, honey, who
‫okay, okay. ‫So tell US your name, honey, who ‫are you?
‫Miles teller.
‫Are you? ‫Miles teller. ‫Oh, you're cute, miles.
‫Miles, I like your smile.
‫Miles smiles.
‫So you're an actor.
‫So what's that like?
‫You know what, miles, if I
‫so what's that like? ‫You know what, miles, if I ‫was an actor and had to kiss
‫you know what, miles, if I ‫was an actor and had to kiss ‫someone in a movie, I would
‫immediately fall in love.
‫Someone in a movie, I would ‫immediately fall in love. ‫You know what?
‫Immediately fall in love. ‫You know what? ‫It's not very romantic.
‫If my job were to be in
‫it's not very romantic. ‫If my job were to be in ‫movies and do love scenes, i'd
‫if my job were to be in ‫movies and do love scenes, i'd ‫be in jail.
‫Movies and do love scenes, i'd ‫be in jail. ‫Yeah.
‫Be in jail. ‫Yeah. ‫So miles, we want to know
‫yeah. ‫So miles, we want to know ‫every single little thing about
‫so miles, we want to know ‫every single little thing about ‫you.
‫Every single little thing about ‫you. ‫How did you get your start?
‫You. ‫How did you get your start? ‫I caught the acting bug when
‫how did you get your start? ‫I caught the acting bug when ‫I was a sophomore in high
‫school.
‫Whoa, whoa, whoa.
‫School. ‫Whoa, whoa, whoa. ‫Don't start that far back.
‫We don't have that kind of time.
‫Yeah, miles, we're not
‫we don't have that kind of time. ‫Yeah, miles, we're not ‫immortal.
‫Okay.
‫Immortal. ‫Okay. ‫What do we know you from?
‫Well, I was in "top gun:
‫Maverick."
‫Oh, there we go.
‫Maverick." ‫oh, there we go. ‫We've seen that.
‫Oh, there we go. ‫We've seen that. ‫We've seen that.
‫Look at you.
‫Look at you in "top gun 2".
‫It's actually "top gun:
‫Maverick."
‫Oh, "top gun 2."
‫Maverick." ‫oh, "top gun 2." ‫"Top gun 2".
‫Oh, "top gun 2." ‫"Top gun 2". ‫I'm proud of you.
‫Proud of you in "top gun 2" with
‫Tom Cruise.
‫Who did you play?
‫I played rooster.
‫Okay.
‫Okay, rooster.
‫I remember you.
‫That was you playing football on
‫the beach tussling with Tom
‫that was you playing football on ‫the beach tussling with Tom ‫cruise, huh?
‫The beach tussling with Tom ‫cruise, huh? ‫Let me ask you a question.
‫Cruise, huh? ‫Let me ask you a question. ‫You like to tussle?
‫You like to tussle?
‫You like to tussle on the beach?
‫You a tussler?
‫I bet you do.
‫I bet you like to tussle with
‫Tom Cruise on the beach.
‫You like to tussle?
‫Cock-a-doodle-doo.
‫Cock-a-doodle-doo in "top gun
‫cock-a-doodle-doo. ‫Cock-a-doodle-doo in "top gun ‫2.
‫"Top gun: Maverick."
‫I've never going to call it
‫"top gun: Maverick." ‫I've never going to call it ‫that.
‫Thank you.
‫That. ‫Thank you. ‫You can go sit down, rooster.
‫Goodbye.
‫[ Applause ]
‫He's cute.
‫He should be an actor.
‫He is cute.
‫All right.
‫That's all the time we have.
‫It's a very packed show.
‫Betty, let's get out of here,
‫it's a very packed show. ‫Betty, let's get out of here, ‫you know.
‫We can go get some coffee or
‫something.
‫Somebody talking about
‫coffee?
‫[ Cheering ]
‫Coffee? ‫[ Cheering ] ‫Oh, my gosh, we're not
‫[ cheering ] ‫Oh, my gosh, we're not ‫worthy, we're not worthy!
‫Touch my monkey, touch my
‫monkey.
‫Okay.
‫Monkey. ‫Okay. ‫Oh my god, look at you, it's
‫okay. ‫Oh my god, look at you, it's ‫so good to see you.
‫Thank you for stopping by.
‫So good to see you. ‫Thank you for stopping by. ‫Well, I was at zabar's
‫thank you for stopping by. ‫Well, I was at zabar's ‫picking up a noodle cuing kugel
‫well, I was at zabar's ‫picking up a noodle cuing kugel ‫thought I would come see the
‫girls.
‫Thought I would come see the ‫girls. ‫We are thrilled you're here.
‫Girls. ‫We are thrilled you're here. ‫You look wonderful.
‫Thank you.
‫Both of you, you look like
‫thank you. ‫Both of you, you look like ‫butter.
‫My god.
‫Butter. ‫My god. ‫Oh, come on, look at you.
‫Two big sticks of butter, that's
‫oh, come on, look at you. ‫Two big sticks of butter, that's ‫what you are.
‫Well, I do use a salve on my
‫skin that is made of stem cells
‫well, I do use a salve on my ‫skin that is made of stem cells ‫and snail mucin.
‫Skin that is made of stem cells ‫and snail mucin. ‫I think it's made of snail
‫sperm.
‫Good for you, good for you.
‫Sperm. ‫Good for you, good for you. ‫How is our mutual friend Paul
‫good for you, good for you. ‫How is our mutual friend Paul ‫Baldwin?
‫Well, our dear friend Paul
‫Baldwin is in the clinic here in
‫well, our dear friend Paul ‫Baldwin is in the clinic here in ‫the city.
‫He's got advanced spillken
‫connector, flew him up from boca
‫he's got advanced spillken ‫connector, flew him up from boca ‫raton in an iron lung.
‫Connector, flew him up from boca ‫raton in an iron lung. ‫What a shonda.
‫Raton in an iron lung. ‫What a shonda. ‫Poor Baldwin.
‫I'm telling you right now,
‫poor Baldwin. ‫I'm telling you right now, ‫I'm getting a little verklempt.
‫Talk amongst yourselves.
‫I'll give you a topic.
‫Professor Vera was neither
‫progressive nor an error.
‫Okay.
‫Progressive nor an error. ‫Okay. ‫Okay.
‫That's a good way to pull
‫okay. ‫That's a good way to pull ‫through.
‫Thanks, god, pooh-pooh pooh.
‫Through. ‫Thanks, god, pooh-pooh pooh. ‫How you doing?
‫It's been a tough year.
‫What's wrong?
‫I have a hematoma
‫what's wrong? ‫I have a hematoma ‫infactoryum.
‫My shorts are on fire.
‫Infactoryum. ‫My shorts are on fire. ‫I had to have it moved four
‫my shorts are on fire. ‫I had to have it moved four ‫inches.
‫Where my belly button used to
‫be, I can't wear belmonts.
‫Your store. Zorch?
‫Be, I can't wear belmonts. ‫Your store. Zorch? ‫Your what?
‫My zorch.
‫I think he means the downtown
‫my zorch. ‫I think he means the downtown ‫area.
‫You in know what I want to
‫do, sit down.
‫You know who likes sitting down?
‫Do, sit down. ‫You know who likes sitting down? ‫My stupid husband.
‫Yeah, I heard about the
‫my stupid husband. ‫Yeah, I heard about the ‫husband.
‫All he does is sit around and
‫watch outlander reruns on starz.
‫Here it comes.
‫Watch outlander reruns on starz. ‫Here it comes. ‫Stupid, but I love him so much.
‫I know, I know.
‫Give me my four children.
‫I want them to live forever.
‫You better pray he doesn't.
‫I want them to live ‫forever. >> You better
‫pray he doesn't. Never ‫going to say his splunk
‫you better pray he doesn't. ‫Never going to say his splunk ‫is...
‫[ Talking gibberish ]
‫Is... ‫[ Talking gibberish ] ‫Everybody try, my ssris must
‫[ talking gibberish ] ‫Everybody try, my ssris must ‫be booming because I don't feel
‫everybody try, my ssris must ‫be booming because I don't feel ‫a thing.
‫Be booming because I don't feel ‫a thing. ‫Can I just say something?
‫A thing. ‫Can I just say something? ‫Can I just say something?
‫We're all miracles.
‫Maybe the secret of life is that
‫we're all miracles. ‫Maybe the secret of life is that ‫there are no big whoops, only a
‫maybe the secret of ‫life is that there are no
‫big whoops, only a ‫series of small agonizing
‫there are no big whoops, only a ‫series of small agonizing ‫whoops.
‫Series of small agonizing ‫whoops. ‫You're right, Linda.
‫Whoops. ‫You're right, Linda. ‫Bring it in.
‫You are so right, Linda.
‫You know what?
‫The whole world is going to blow
‫you know what? ‫The whole world is going to blow ‫up.
‫Who cares.
‫Up. ‫Who cares. ‫Have a glass of wine.
‫Have two glasses of wine.
‫Who cares.
‫You know what?
‫We should go for a glass of
‫you know what? ‫We should go for a glass of ‫wine.
‫Right now.
‫Wine. ‫Right now. ‫You know what?
‫Bad news, it's raining.
‫But good news, it's sweater
‫bad news, it's raining. ‫But good news, it's sweater ‫weather.
‫Sweater weather!
‫Weather. ‫Sweater weather! ‫We're going to have some
‫sweater weather! ‫We're going to have some ‫wine.
‫Let's go.
‫Wine. ‫Let's go. ‫[ Cheers and applause ]
‫Ladies and gentlemen, lil ‫Wayne and the roots. ‫[ Cheers and applause ]
‫♪♪
‫[ cheers and applause ] ‫♪♪ ‫ladies and gentlemen what
‫the, y'all.
‫Ladies and gentlemen what ‫the, y'all. ‫Five for three two...
‫The, y'all. ‫Five for three two... ‫♪ what the f-though
‫five for three two... ‫♪ what the f-though ‫where the love go
‫five, four, three, two
‫I let one go ♪
‫♪ bow, get the f-though
‫I don't bluff, bro
‫aiming at your head
‫like a buffalo ♪
‫♪ you a roughneck
‫I'm a cutthroat
‫you're a tough guy
‫that's enough jokes ♪
‫♪ then the sun die
‫the night is young though
‫the diamonds still shine
‫get it rough ♪
‫♪ let's work
‫what the f-though
‫where the love go ♪
‫♪ five, four, three, two
‫I let one go
‫let's work ♪
‫♪ bow, get the f-though
‫I don't bluff, bro
‫aiming at your head
‫like a buffalo ♪
‫♪ she lick me
‫like a lollipop
‫lollipop ♪
‫♪ shorty want a thug
‫thug, thug
‫bottles in the club
‫club, club ♪
‫he like a lollipop
‫♪♪
‫♪ she even wear her hair like
‫mine, but man, she never had a
‫love like mine ♪
‫♪ I never seen a body like
‫hers ♪
‫♪ that body err love for word ♪
‫♪ I told her to back it up, she
‫made it jump ♪♪
‫that's when she... okay, okay,
‫okay ♪
‫♪ you don't understand ♪
‫♪ two women at the same time,
‫synchronized swimming ♪
‫♪ I never met the girl, but I
‫like I missed her ♪
‫♪ and death is a sister ♪
‫♪ can resist her ♪
‫♪ we are no mother nature, it's
‫all in the family, I got no
‫relation ♪
‫♪ no matter who's buying, I'm a
‫celebration, black and white
‫diamonds ♪
‫♪ I don't feel like I've done
‫enough, ♪
‫♪ yeah, yeah, yeah
‫♪ I got to stop, she got me ‫thinking ♪ ‫I could date a cop ♪
‫♪ 'cause her uniform
‫fits her so tight
‫she read me my rights ♪
‫♪ she put me in her car
‫she cut off all the lights
‫she said I have the right
‫to remain silent ♪
‫♪ now I got her hollering
‫sounding like a siren
‫talking 'bout
‫wee-oo-wee-oo-wee ♪
‫♪ and I know she the law
‫and she know I'm the boss
‫and she know I get high
‫above the law ♪
‫♪ and she know I'm raw
‫she know I'm from the streets
‫and all she want me to do
‫is f-the police ♪
‫♪ talking 'bout
‫wee-oo-wee-oo-wee, yeah ♪
‫♪ when I get up all in you
‫we can hear the
‫angels calling US ♪
‫♪ we can see
‫the sunrise before US
‫and when I'm in that thang ♪
‫♪ I'll make that body sing
‫I'll make it say
‫wee-oo-wee-oo-wee ♪
‫♪ wee-oo-wee-oo-wee
‫wee-oo-wee-oo-wee
‫wee-oo-wee-oo-wee ♪
‫♪ wee-oo-wee-oo-wee
‫wee-oo-wee-oo-wee
‫I'll make ya say ♪
‫♪ A million, a million, a ‫million, a million, a million ♪ ‫♪ a million, a million, a
‫million ♪
‫♪ a millionaire
‫I'm a young money millionaire
‫tougher than Nigerian hair ♪
‫♪ my criteria compared
‫to your career
‫and leak on the sheet ♪
‫♪ of the tablet in my mind
‫'cause I don't write...
‫♪ Of the tablet in my mind ‫'cause I don't write... ‫cause I ain't got time ♪
‫♪ and the almighty power
‫of that ch-ch-ch-chopper
‫sister, brother
‫son, daughter ♪
‫♪ father, mother
‫♪
‫tell the coppers
‫♪ tell the coppers ha-ha-ha-ha ♪
‫tell the coppers ‫ha-ha-ha-ha ♪ ‫♪ you can't catch 'em
‫you can't stop 'em
‫I go by them goon rules ♪
‫♪ if you can't beat 'em
‫then you pop 'em
‫you can't man 'em
‫then you mop 'em ♪
‫♪ you can't stand 'em
‫then you drop 'em
‫you pop 'em 'cause ♪
‫♪ we pop 'em like
‫Orville redenbacher
‫♪ everybody, homeboy ♪
‫♪ a million here
‫a million there
‫sicilian with long hair ♪
‫♪ with coke in her derriere
‫like smoke in
‫the thinnest air ♪
‫♪ I open the lamborghini
‫hopin' them guys see me
‫like look at
‫that bastard weezy ♪
‫♪ he's a beast
‫he's a dog
‫he's a mother... problem ♪
‫♪ okay, you're a goon
‫but what's a goon
‫to a goblin ♪♪
‫thank you.
‫To a goblin ♪♪ ‫thank you. ‫Happy 50th.
‫Thank you. ‫Happy 50th. ‫[ Cheering ]
‫As we celebrate the ‫achievements of the past 50 ‫years, we must also take a
‫moment to honor those who we've
‫lost.
‫Moment to honor those who we've ‫lost. ‫Countless members of the "snl"
‫family taken from US too soon.
‫Countless members ‫of the "snl" family taken
‫from US too soon. I'm ‫talking of course "snl"
‫family taken from US too soon. ‫I'm talking of course "snl" ‫characters and sketches that
‫have aged horribly.
‫Characters and sketches that ‫have aged horribly. ‫But even though these
‫characters, accents and let's
‫but even though these ‫characters, accents and let's ‫just call them ethnic wigs were
‫characters, accents ‫and let's just call them
‫ethnic wigs were ‫unquestionably in poor taste,
‫just call them ethnic wigs were ‫unquestionably in poor taste, ‫you all laughed at them.
‫Unquestionably in poor taste, ‫you all laughed at them. ‫So if anyone should be canceled,
‫shouldn't it be you, the
‫so if anyone should be canceled, ‫shouldn't it be you, the ‫audience?
‫Shouldn't it be you, the ‫audience? ‫[ Laughter ]
‫Audience? ‫[ Laughter ] ‫Something to think about.
‫Any way, we now present to you
‫something to think about. ‫Any way, we now present to you ‫this in memoriam.
‫Would you tell me... ‫it will give me a job. ‫Your job, he he he.
‫It will give me a job. ‫Your job, he he he. ‫Make you believe.
‫Hey, excuse me.
‫This is getting out of hand.
‫Why don't you drop out of
‫this is getting out of ‫hand. >> Why don't you
‫drop out of that green ‫jumpsuit and show me
‫why don't you drop out of ‫that green jumpsuit and show me ‫that fat ass.
‫That green jumpsuit and show me ‫that fat ass. ‫Hey, what do you say we
‫adjoin to the janitor's closet,
‫hey, what do you ‫say we adjoin to the
‫janitor's closet, drop trow ‫and see if we can make
‫adjoin to the janitor's closet, ‫drop trow and see if we can make ‫baby?
‫Drop trow and see if we can make ‫baby? ‫It looks like this is my
‫lucky day.
‫I'll take the rapist for 200.
‫Lucky day. ‫I'll take the rapist for 200. ‫That's therapist.
‫Look at my bum, I look at
‫that's therapist. ‫Look at my bum, I look at ‫your bum.
‫I made a little diary to show
‫everybody how it is to be a
‫host here.
‫Everybody how it is to be a ‫host here. ‫I made my grandmother's
‫special recipe for cocker
‫spaniel.
‫Special recipe for cocker ‫spaniel. ‫I know it's not your first
‫choice, but keep in mind you're
‫a doll.
‫Choice, but keep in mind you're ‫a doll. ‫All right.
‫A doll. ‫All right. ‫Jane, you ignorant slut!
‫Guys dancing with guys, girls
‫Jane, you ignorant ‫slut! >> Guys dancing
‫with guys, girls dancing ‫with girls, guys that
‫guys dancing with ‫guys, girls dancing with
‫girls, guys that looks ‫like girls dancing with
‫dancing with girls, guys that ‫looks like girls dancing with ‫girls.
‫Looks like girls dancing with ‫girls. ‫You don't even know what gay
‫is.
‫I didn't like it the first
‫time when it was called chasing
‫Amy.
‫Time when it was called chasing ‫Amy. ‫Run, throw, and catch like a
‫girl.
‫Olympics.
‫Girl. ‫Olympics. ‫The winner is.
‫It should be noted that that
‫the winner is. ‫It should be noted that that ‫joke was written by a woman.
‫No, just kidding.
‫Joke was written by a woman. ‫No, just kidding. ‫We don't hire women.
‫Happy holidays for everyone,
‫we don't hire women. ‫Happy holidays for everyone, ‫expect New Jersey!
‫What the hell is that?
‫Please welcome Marsha Quinn, ‫sue chow and li hao. ‫Welcome to celebrity battle
‫of the sexes and races.
‫You know you're a beautiful
‫woman.
‫Robert Blake, puff daddy.
‫Woman. ‫Robert Blake, puff daddy. ‫Don't judge a book by its
‫cover.
‫My man is like r. Kelly.
‫Cover. ‫My man is like r. Kelly. ‫Thank you to r. Kelly.
‫I'm Jared Vogel from subway.
‫White trash.
‫Jungle bunny.
‫Honky!
‫Spade.
‫Honky honky.
‫[ Bleep ] [ Bleep ].
‫Dead honky.
‫Hi, guys! ‫Hi. ‫Hi, drew.
‫Hi.
‫Good to see you.
‫I didn't know you knew eyo.
‫Just met in the bathroom.
‫Crawled under her stall.
‫My kind of gal.
‫What a night to celebrate.
‫I know.
‫You know what?
‫Is there a bartender here?
‫What can I get you?
‫[ Cheers and applause ]
‫Well, you know, it's a
‫[ cheers and applause ] ‫Well, you know, it's a ‫celebration.
‫I'm thinking some bubbly.
‫Celebration. ‫I'm thinking some bubbly. ‫I love that yeah, it's great.
‫Here you go, guys.
‫Thank you.
‫All right!
‫Party!
‫Ex-official.
‫Have you seen the latest
‫ex-official. ‫Have you seen the latest ‫study on alcohol?
‫Even one drink can significantly
‫slash life expectancy.
‫♪♪
‫Slash life expectancy. ‫♪♪ ‫♪ you're enjoying your day,
‫everything going your way, then
‫along comes Debbie downer ♪
‫everything going your ‫way, then along comes
‫Debbie downer ♪ ♪ tell ‫you about a new disease,
‫along comes Debbie downer ♪ ‫♪ tell you about a new disease, ‫a car accident or a killer
‫bees ♪
‫♪ but you can't stop Debbie
‫downer ♪
‫okay, I think sometimes you
‫just got to celebrate.
‫Okay, I think sometimes you ‫just got to celebrate. ‫I mean, this is such a
‫special night.
‫I agree.
‫Special night. ‫I agree. ‫To "snl," to another 50 years!
‫Cheers!
‫Let's hope humanity lasts
‫cheers! ‫Let's hope humanity lasts ‫that long.
‫At this point, it looks like
‫we're going the way of the white
‫at this point, it looks like ‫we're going the way of the white ‫rhino.
‫We're going the way of the white ‫rhino. ‫What are you talking about?
‫Rhino. ‫What are you talking about? ‫There are only two left in
‫what are you talking about? ‫There are only two left in ‫captivity, and they're both
‫there are only two left in ‫captivity, and they're both ‫female.
‫Captivity, and they're both ‫female. ‫♪♪
‫Female. ‫♪♪ ‫well, here is a toast to all
‫of the friends we've made, both
‫old and new.
‫Of the friends we've made, both ‫old and new. ‫Hey, amen to that.
‫Old and new. ‫Hey, amen to that. ‫Hey, just a heads up, we
‫hey, amen to that. ‫Hey, just a heads up, we ‫don't have any eggs.
‫What?
‫Don't have any eggs. ‫What? ‫Why would we want eggs?
‫Bird flu is on the rampage.
‫Millions of s s of fowl have a
‫bird flu is on the rampage. ‫Millions of s s of fowl have a ‫been culled.
‫Debbie, we're trying to have
‫fun, okay.
‫Why don't you go take five.
‫Fun, okay. ‫Why don't you go take five. ‫Believe me, I'd love to sit
‫why don't you go take five. ‫Believe me, I'd love to sit ‫down.
‫My right foot is throbbing.
‫Down. ‫My right foot is throbbing. ‫Pretty sure it's my old friend
‫my right foot is throbbing. ‫Pretty sure it's my old friend ‫gout.
‫♪♪
‫Gout. ‫♪♪ ‫thank you.
‫Well.
‫Thank you. ‫Well. ‫Hey, Bobby!
‫Good to see you.
‫Nice to see you.
‫Excuse me, I'm such a big
‫nice to see you. ‫Excuse me, I'm such a big ‫fan.
‫It's good to see you.
‫Fan. ‫It's good to see you. ‫Can I have a Tequila and a soda
‫it's good to see you. ‫Can I have a Tequila and a soda ‫with a straw?
‫You talking to me?
‫With a straw? ‫You talking to me? ‫You talking to me?
‫Is that supposed to be a
‫you talking to me? ‫Is that supposed to be a ‫joke?
‫No, I'm asking, I have dry
‫eye, and it's hard to discern if
‫no, I'm asking, I have dry ‫eye, and it's hard to discern if ‫you were talking to me.
‫Eye, and it's hard to discern if ‫you were talking to me. ‫♪♪
‫You were talking to me. ‫♪♪ ‫just give me a drink.
‫Okay, sure.
‫Just give me a drink. ‫Okay, sure. ‫Coming right up.
‫Here you go.
‫There you go with that.
‫There you go.
‫Kind of surprise you'd want a
‫there you go. ‫Kind of surprise you'd want a ‫straw.
‫Why is that?
‫Straw. ‫Why is that? ‫Microplastic.
‫At this point, we're all walking
‫microplastic. ‫At this point, we're all walking ‫landfills.
‫♪♪
‫Landfills. ‫♪♪ ‫odds are they've already
‫taken up residence in your
‫testes.
‫Taken up residence in your ‫testes. ‫♪♪
‫Testes. ‫♪♪ ‫[ Laughter ]
‫Deborah, I'm going to talk
‫[ laughter ] ‫Deborah, I'm going to talk ‫now, and you're going to shut
‫it.
‫Now, and you're going to shut ‫it. ‫I do not appreciate this
‫conversation.
‫I don't want to talk about
‫plastic in my balls.
‫I want to laugh and feel joy and
‫have a sliver of hope for three
‫I want to laugh and ‫feel joy and have a sliver
‫of hope for three ‫goddamn hours of my life.
‫Have a sliver of hope for three ‫goddamn hours of my life. ‫That's all I want.
‫Goddamn hours of my life. ‫That's all I want. ‫I came here tonight to get a
‫that's all I want. ‫I came here tonight to get a ‫little frigging break from our
‫I came here tonight ‫to get a little frigging
‫break from our world ‫right now, which is like
‫little frigging break ‫from our world right
‫now, which is like ‫living under a... in a full
‫world right now, which is like ‫living under a... in a full ‫diaper.
‫Living under a... in a full ‫diaper. ‫Diapers are a leading culprit
‫in the microplastic saga.
‫♪♪
‫In the microplastic saga. ‫♪♪ ‫Bobby, Bobby, Bob, it's all
‫working.
‫She think she is helping, okay?
‫Working. ‫She think she is helping, okay? ‫My kids think the best of you.
‫Speaking of kids, it's
‫my kids think the best of you. ‫Speaking of kids, it's ‫official.
‫I can't have children.
‫Official. ‫I can't have children. ‫♪♪ but I told you that once,
‫Jimmy.
‫♪♪ But I told you that once, ‫Jimmy. ‫Yeah, did you?
‫I don't remember.
‫You know what, Debbie,
‫Jimmy's right.
‫Why don't you join US in a
‫toast.
‫Okay.
‫Toast. ‫Okay. ‫Okay.
‫Let me get my drink.
‫To laughter, to friendship,
‫let me get my drink. ‫To laughter, to friendship, ‫and to 50 years!
‫And to continuing advances in
‫curing feline aids.
‫It's the number one killer of
‫domestic cats.
‫Meow, meow.
‫Domestic cats. ‫Meow, meow. ‫♪ no, you can't stop Debbie
‫meow, meow. ‫♪ no, you can't stop Debbie ‫downer ♪
‫[ Applause ]
‫♪♪
‫All right, you knucklehead, ‫listen up. ‫I bet you think robbing a
‫convenience store is pretty
‫boss, yeah?
‫Convenience store is pretty ‫boss, yeah? ‫Whatever, man.
‫Boss, yeah? ‫Whatever, man. ‫You may think it's one big
‫whatever, man. ‫You may think it's one big ‫joke, but it's not.
‫It's why I invited
‫representatives from the scared
‫it's why I invited ‫representatives from the scared ‫straight program.
‫Representatives from the scared ‫straight program. ‫They're inmates at the larchmont
‫maximum security prison and here
‫they're inmates at the ‫larchmont maximum security
‫prison and here to ‫warn you of a dangerous
‫maximum security prison and here ‫to warn you of a dangerous ‫lifestyle.
‫To warn you of a dangerous ‫lifestyle. ‫Get in here!
‫Lifestyle. ‫Get in here! ‫All right, here we come.
‫On your feet!
‫Coming up.
‫Sit your asses down!
‫On your feet!
‫Sit down before I kill
‫on your feet! ‫Sit down before I kill ‫somebody.
‫There you go.
‫Somebody. ‫There you go. ‫All right.
‫My name is Lorenzo macintosh.
‫And my name is all the way
‫my name is Lorenzo macintosh. ‫And my name is all the way ‫ray may.
‫I don't do nothing halfway.
‫Ray may. ‫I don't do nothing halfway. ‫[ Laughter ]
‫What you in here for, chief?
‫Let me guess, manipulating
‫what you in here for, chief? ‫Let me guess, manipulating ‫crypto market.
‫No, no, that's a terrible
‫guess, no.
‫I got these little bozos
‫shoplifting.
‫Oh, shoplifting.
‫Shoplifting. ‫Oh, shoplifting. ‫It starts with shoplifting.
‫Guess where it ends... genocide!
‫What?
‫But wait.
‫You better listen up.
‫You think you tough, huh?
‫You real street?
‫Well, guess what?
‫When I was a boy, I watched both
‫well, guess what? ‫When I was a boy, I watched both ‫my parents die on these streets.
‫That's right.
‫My parents die on these streets. ‫That's right. ‫And the family that adopted him
‫that's right. ‫And the family that adopted him ‫made him sleep under the
‫and the family that adopted him ‫made him sleep under the ‫staircase.
‫Made him sleep under the ‫staircase. ‫Until one day I got a letter
‫from an owl telling me I had to
‫until one day I ‫got a letter from an owl
‫telling me I had to report ‫to some kind of school
‫from an owl telling me I had to ‫report to some kind of school ‫for wizards.
‫Report to some kind of school ‫for wizards. ‫[ Laughter ]
‫For wizards. ‫[ Laughter ] ‫Is that what you want, huh?
‫You and Hermione have to stop
‫is that what you want, ‫huh? You and Hermione
‫have to stop who must ‫not be named before he
‫you and Hermione have ‫to stop who must not be
‫named before he gets ‫his hands on the sorcerer's
‫who must not be named before he ‫gets his hands on the sorcerer's ‫stone?
‫Gets his hands on the sorcerer's ‫stone? ‫That's definitely Harry
‫Potter.
‫No, no.
‫Shut your damn mouth.
‫Your mind.
‫In prison there will be a dude
‫your mind. ‫In prison there will be a dude ‫entering your chamber of
‫in prison there will be a dude ‫entering your chamber of ‫secrets.
‫Entering your chamber of ‫secrets. ‫Maybe Slytherin right into your
‫ass-ka-ban.
‫You're not going to be in
‫Hogwarts.
‫There will be warts on your hog.
‫Come on, hufflepuff it.
‫The dude I describe as
‫come on, hufflepuff it. ‫The dude I describe as ‫serious black is going to wave
‫the dude I describe as ‫serious black is going to wave ‫his wand in your face and say
‫expect
‫expecto fellatio.
‫Expect ‫expecto fellatio. ‫Good lord, fellows.
‫Expecto fellatio. ‫Good lord, fellows. ‫Well done, chief.
‫We stepped on the line.
‫That's a two point shot.
‫Now which one of you all is
‫that's a two point shot. ‫Now which one of you all is ‫the ringleader?
‫What I didn't realize it was
‫national rat out a latino day.
‫On your damn feet.
‫National rat out a latino day. ‫On your damn feet. ‫Look at them pretty brown
‫on your damn feet. ‫Look at them pretty brown ‫eyes.
‫They're going love you in
‫prison, Arianna pequeno.
‫Why you shoplift?
‫Prison, Arianna pequeno. ‫Why you shoplift? ‫I was trying to impress my
‫why you shoplift? ‫I was trying to impress my ‫girlfriend.
‫She thick as hell.
‫Girlfriend. ‫She thick as hell. ‫You think I'm going to try
‫she thick as hell. ‫You think I'm going to try ‫those?
‫Start with a 400 pound
‫professor, huh?
‫And I fell in love with Jada
‫pinkett?
‫But he was ashamed of his weight
‫so he drank a serum that turned
‫but he was ashamed of his weight ‫so he drank a serum that turned ‫him into buddy love.
‫So he drank a serum that turned ‫him into buddy love. ‫Is that what you want?
‫Him into buddy love. ‫Is that what you want? ‫Then you go through a den and
‫is that what you want? ‫Then you go through a den and ‫realize that everybody at the
‫then you go through a den and ‫realize that everybody at the ‫table is the same person.
‫Realize that everybody at the ‫table is the same person. ‫Because this is real!
‫Table is the same person. ‫Because this is real! ‫Yo, okay, that's almost
‫because this is real! ‫Yo, okay, that's almost ‫certainly "the nutty professor."
‫Yo, okay, that's ‫almost certainly "the
‫nutty professor." >> ‫What will that what you're
‫certainly "the nutty professor." ‫What will that what you're ‫going to both get.
‫Prison, you'll be professor
‫your love of nuts all right, but
‫prison, you'll be ‫professor your love of
‫nuts all right, but you ‫won't be losing no 200
‫your love of nuts all right, but ‫you won't be losing no 200 ‫pounds.
‫You won't be losing no 200 ‫pounds. ‫You'll be gaining 9 inches.
‫Pounds. ‫You'll be gaining 9 inches. ‫See they give you a
‫you'll be gaining 9 inches. ‫See they give you a ‫possession, muscle relaxants.
‫You'll be handling so many dudes
‫possession, muscle ‫relaxants. You'll be handling
‫so many dudes at once, ‫they'll all be cheering
‫you'll be handling so ‫many dudes at once, they'll
‫all be cheering at the ‫same time, Hercules,
‫at once, they'll all be cheering ‫at the same time, Hercules, ‫Hercules.
‫At the same time, Hercules, ‫Hercules. ‫Absolutely not, no.
‫I let that go way too long
‫absolutely not, no. ‫I let that go way too long ‫because optimism a fan of the
‫film.
‫Because optimism a fan of the ‫film. ‫Come on.
‫Film. ‫Come on. ‫These are children.
‫Fellows all right?
‫30-year-old children.
‫Come on.
‫Hey, hey, hey, hey.
‫[ Applause ]
‫No one else is wearing their
‫[ applause ] ‫No one else is wearing their ‫spring uniform.
‫[ Laughter ]
‫Spring uniform. ‫[ Laughter ] ‫Who the hell is this guy?
‫That's big red.
‫That's right.
‫They call me big red.
‫Because of your hair?
‫No, because I'm well read.
‫I got six geds and a nagging
‫no, because I'm well read. ‫I got six geds and a nagging ‫uti, and I'd like to offer a
‫counterpoint.
‫Uti, and I'd like to offer a ‫counterpoint. ‫Prison is actually really fun.
‫Counterpoint. ‫Prison is actually really fun. ‫I'm in an improv group, i'm
‫prison is actually really fun. ‫I'm in an improv group, i'm ‫scrapbooking like crazy.
‫Outside I never used to get
‫laid.
‫Now I'm having sex 50, 60 times
‫a day.
‫It's incredible.
‫A day. ‫It's incredible. ‫Yeah, but don't let all of
‫it's incredible. ‫Yeah, but don't let all of ‫that fool you.
‫This man is tough as nails.
‫That fool you. ‫This man is tough as nails. ‫Tough as press-on nails.
‫You better believe that, buster.
‫Tough as press-on ‫nails. You better believe
‫that, buster. >> Tell ‫him your story, red.
‫You better believe that, buster. ‫Tell him your story, red. ‫Well, you see, I was
‫tell him your story, red. ‫Well, you see, I was ‫abandoned as a baby.
‫Got my human parents.
‫Abandoned as a baby. ‫Got my human parents. ‫So I was forced to grow up at
‫got my human parents. ‫So I was forced to grow up at ‫the north pole.
‫And you know, I'm going to skip
‫ahead to elf.
‫I'm going to talk about elf.
‫Ahead to elf. ‫I'm going to talk about elf. ‫But guess what!
‫This is real.
‫This is elf.
‫I mean, real!
‫So you were an elf?
‫I knew you were a little bitch.
‫Oh!
‫That's the night the lights
‫oh! ‫That's the night the lights ‫went out in Georgia.
‫You better keep your damn
‫mouth shut.
‫In prison, you're not going
‫to be named elf you're no.
‫You're going to get elfed.
‫To be named elf you're no. ‫You're going to get elfed. ‫In your butt.
‫I'm trying, I'm trying.
‫You're doing good.
‫That's right, that's right.
‫And forget about your nut
‫that's right, that's right. ‫And forget about your nut ‫hole.
‫What you need to be worrying
‫about is your south pole,
‫what you need to be worrying ‫about is your south pole, ‫because you'll be yelling son of
‫a nutcracker, all right?
‫Because you'll be yelling ‫son of a nutcracker,
‫all right? And it won't ‫be no Santa coming
‫a nutcracker, all right? ‫And it won't be no Santa coming ‫to town.
‫It will be Santos coming in your
‫brown.
‫No, no!
‫Brown. ‫No, no! ‫Get out of here.
‫Let's go.
‫All three.
‫Let's go.
‫That's okay.
‫Red, come on.
‫We got to go.
‫Red, get we got to go.
‫[ Applause ]
‫Boy.
‫I don't know what I was
‫boy. ‫I don't know what I was ‫thinking.
‫I don't know how that would be
‫helpful, you know.
‫Ask what I can do for you.
‫Helpful, you know. ‫Ask what I can do for you. ‫Come on, enough.
‫It's too much.
‫It's all right.
‫[ Cheers and applause ]
‫♪♪
‫[ cheers and applause ] ‫♪♪ ‫ladies and gentlemen, a live
‫show!
‫Ladies and gentlemen, a live ‫show! ‫>>.
‫Show! ‫>>. ‫[ Cheers and applause ]
‫♪♪
‫[ cheers and applause ] ‫Hello, y'all. ‫I am Jared Maurice!
‫[ Cheering ]
‫Wait a minute, are there any
‫[ cheering ] ‫Wait a minute, are there any ‫cops in the audience?
‫I am Garrett Morris, okay, and
‫way back there, when I joined
‫the cast of "Saturday night
‫live," I had no idea, y'all,
‫that I would be required to do
‫so many reunion shows.
‫That I would be required to do ‫so many reunion shows. ‫[ Laughter ]
‫So many reunion shows. ‫[ Laughter ] ‫But here I am, okay.
‫Now, this film you're going to
‫but here I am, okay. ‫Now, this film you're going to ‫see, it's a great film made by
‫now, this film you're going to ‫see, it's a great film made by ‫my man Tom Schiller, yeah.
‫See, it's a great film made by ‫my man Tom Schiller, yeah. ‫In 1978, and it features the
‫entire cast.
‫So sit back, relax, and enjoy
‫"look back in anger."
‫[ Applause ]
‫I guess this is my stop. ‫♪♪
‫I thought I'd be the first to ‫go. ‫I was one of those live hard,
‫die young, good-looking corpse
‫types.
‫Die young, good-looking corpse ‫types. ‫Well, I guess they were wrong.
‫Types. ‫Well, I guess they were wrong. ‫Here they are, all my friends.
‫Well, I guess they were ‫wrong. Here they are,
‫all my friends. This is ‫not ready for prime time
‫here they are, all my friends. ‫This is not ready for prime time ‫cemetery.
‫Oh, no.
‫Cemetery. ‫Oh, no. ‫♪♪
‫Here's gilda radner. ‫She had her own show on Canadian ‫television for years and years,
‫she had her own show ‫on Canadian television
‫for years and years, ‫"the gilda radner show."
‫Television for years ‫and years, "the gilda
‫radner show." Well, at ‫least now I can see her
‫"the gilda radner show." ‫Well, at least now I can see her ‫on reruns.
‫God bless her.
‫On reruns. ‫God bless her. ‫Here is where laraine is.
‫They say she murdered her dej
‫here is where laraine is. ‫They say she murdered her dej ‫husband.
‫Then moved to the valley in
‫California and had pecan farms.
‫Then moved to the ‫valley in California and had
‫pecan farms. She was ‫a big one when she died.
‫California and had pecan ‫farms. She was a big
‫one when she died. Jane ‫curtain, she married a
‫she was a big one when ‫she died. Jane curtain,
‫she married a stockbroker, ‫had two children,
‫Jane curtain, she married a ‫stockbroker, had two children, ‫moved upstate New York.
‫Stockbroker, had two children, ‫moved upstate New York. ‫She died of complications during
‫cosmetic surgery.
‫Garrett Morris.
‫Cosmetic surgery. ‫Garrett Morris. ‫Apparently Garrett left the show
‫and worked in the black theater
‫apparently Garrett left the show ‫and worked in the black theater ‫for years.
‫And worked in the black theater ‫for years. ‫And then he died of an overdose
‫of heroin.
‫Here is bill Murray.
‫Of heroin. ‫Here is bill Murray. ‫He lived the longest.
‫38 years.
‫He was happy when he died,
‫though.
‫He just grown his mustache back.
‫Though. ‫He just grown his mustache back. ‫Probably still growing.
‫Oh, and here is Chevy chase.
‫The guy his first movie with
‫oh, and here is Chevy chase. ‫The guy his first movie with ‫Goldie hawn.
‫Over here is Danny ackroyd.
‫I guess he loved his Harley too
‫over here is Danny ackroyd. ‫I guess he loved his Harley too ‫much.
‫I clocked him at 175 miles an
‫hour before the crash.
‫It was a blur.
‫Hour before the crash. ‫It was a blur. ‫I got called in to identify his
‫it was a blur. ‫I got called in to identify his ‫body.
‫I recognized him by his webbed
‫toes.
‫Saturday night show was the best
‫experience of my life.
‫Now they're all gone.
‫Experience of my life. ‫Now they're all gone. ‫I miss every one of them.
‫Why me?
‫Why did I live so long?
‫They're all dead.
‫I'll tell you why.
‫Because I'm a dancer.
‫♪♪
‫♪♪ [ Applause ]
‫♪♪
‫[ applause ]
‫♪♪
‫Ladies and gentlemen, sir ‫Paul McCartney! ‫[ Cheers and applause ]
‫♪♪ ‫♪ once there was a way to get ‫back homeward ♪
‫♪ once there was a way to get
‫back home ♪
‫♪ a secret door, do not cry, and
‫I will sing a lullaby ♪
‫snowe
‫I will sing a lullaby ♪ snowe ♪
‫snowe ♪ ♪♪
‫♪ Darling do not cry and I will ‫sing a lullaby ♪ ‫♪ once there was a way to get
‫back homeward ♪
‫♪ once there was a way, to get
‫back home ♪
‫♪ sleep, pretty darling, do not
‫cry ♪
‫♪ and I will sing you a
‫lullaby ♪
‫♪ oh, you're going to carry that
‫way carry the way long way ♪
‫♪ oh, you're going to ‫carry that way carry the
‫way long way ♪ ♪ oh, ‫you're going to carry that
‫way carry the way long ‫way ♪ ♪ oh, you're going
‫to carry that weight, ‫carry that weight the
‫♪ oh, you're going to carry that ‫weight, carry that weight the ‫long time ♪
‫♪♪
‫♪ I never give you my pillow, I ‫only send my invitations ♪
‫♪ and in the middle of the
‫celebration I pray that ♪
‫♪ oh you're going to carry that
‫celebration I pray ‫that ♪ ♪ oh you're going
‫to carry that weight, ‫carry that weight a long
‫♪ oh you're going to carry that ‫weight, carry that weight a long ‫time ♪
‫♪ boy, you're going to carry
‫that that weight, carry that
‫weight a long time ♪
‫♪♪
‫♪ Oh, yeah, all right ♪
‫♪ Are you going to be in my ‫dreams tonight ♪
‫♪♪
‫♪ love you, love you, love you, ‫love you ♪
‫♪ love you, love you, love you,
‫love you ♪
‫♪♪
‫♪
‫♪♪ [ Cheering ]
‫♪ And in the end, the love you ‫take ♪ ‫♪ is equal to the love you
‫make ♪
‫♪ ahhh-ahhh ♪♪
‫make ♪ ♪ ahhh-ahhh ♪♪
‫[ cheers and applause ]
‫[ Cheers and applause ] ‫Thank you.
‫♪♪ ‫if you want to know what it ‫takes to make a show like this
‫if you want to ‫know what it takes to make
‫a show like this last ‫for 50 years, see these
‫takes to make a show like this ‫last for 50 years, see these ‫people right around me, the
‫last for 50 years, ‫see these people right
‫around me, the first ‫cast, laraine Newman, Jane
‫people right around me, the ‫first cast, laraine Newman, Jane ‫curtain, Garrett and Chevy
‫chase.
‫Curtain, Garrett and Chevy ‫chase. ‫They paved the way for people
‫like cheri oteri, Jay pharaoh,
‫they paved the way for ‫people like cheri oteri,
‫Jay pharaoh, the great ‫kenan Thompson and
‫like cheri oteri, Jay pharaoh, ‫the great kenan Thompson and ‫Billy crystal.
‫The great kenan Thompson and ‫Billy crystal. ‫And finall the reason we're
‫all here, the man who made our
‫and finall the reason we're ‫all here, the man who made our ‫dream come true, the one and
‫only, oh, and Paul.
‫Dream come true, the one and ‫only, oh, and Paul. ‫Lorne Michaels!
‫Only, oh, and Paul. ‫Lorne Michaels! ‫[ Cheers and applause ]
‫50, best of luck, we can't wait.
‫God knows we love you all.
‫Good night and god bless!
‫[ Cheers and applause ]
‫♪♪ [ Applause ]
‫♪♪
‫♪