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Downloaded from
YTS.BZ
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.BZ
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Ah, there's the theatre.
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How you doing?
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"Is it a tractor?" "Yeah."
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I think it's in here. Yeah.
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Go on. I'll park in here. It'll be fine.
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There we go. I made it!
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Thank you.
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Cheers. Hi. You all right?
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Lovely. Yeah, just in there. Thank you.
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- Kaleb?
- Come in.
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- We are ready for you on stage.
- Oh, okay.
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Um, can I bring my friend?
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No! It's a one-man show.
You can't bring your friends.
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Good evening, Cheltenham!
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Please give a huge agricultural welcome
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to the farmer on tour,
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all the way from Chipping Norton,
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it's Kaleb Cooper!
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Good evening, Cheltenham!
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Now, unfortunately, they wouldn't let me
bring a real tractor on stage.
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So, I brought this instead.
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Now, it's a whopping three horsepower
and it's all made of plastic.
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And you know what? It couldn't pull
the skin off a good rice pudding.
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But it is still better than that famous
Lamborghini tractor, we all know.
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I fucking hate that tractor!
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This tractor even drives itself.
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That's gonna take me out of a job
one day. I can sense it.
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Now, I get asked all the time,
"Kaleb, why are you going on tour?"
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And it's for one reason,
and one reason alone,
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is it simply put farming centre stage.
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Simply put farming centre stage.
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Not good at this thing.
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I'm also asked, "Kaleb, are you not
quite busy to be going on tour?"
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And actually, come to think of it,
yeah, I've got two kids now.
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I've got a contracting business at home.
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And we're also filming a series four
of Clarkson's Farm.
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Now, some would say,
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I have a small obsession with tractors.
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Only small... No, it's massive!
I fucking love tractors.
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I love them.
I do everything in my tractor.
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For example, I take my nan shopping
on the weekend.
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- Don't I, Nan?
- Yes, dear.
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I even take my kid to school,
even though I'm not allowed to say that.
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I don't do that,
'cause it's not legal.
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Fuck, um...
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I go down to the local pub
and I have a few drinks...
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And I can't say that either. Fuck!
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Basically, I use my tractor
for everything, okay?
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Now, recently, they've changed the law
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in terms of what fuel
you can use in your tractor.
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For example, if I take my Nan shopping
on the weekend,
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I have to use white diesel.
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But if I go ploughing through the week,
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I can use red diesel.
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It's basically a tax benefit for farmers
to save a little bit of money.
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Now, I wanna go back a little bit.
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Can everyone remember the first series
of Clarkson's Farm
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when I took the wasabi to London?
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- Does everyone remember that?
- Yes!
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- Did everyone enjoy that episode?
- Yes!
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I'm glad you did. I had three days of
counselling to sort me out after that.
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Now, can everyone remember
what truck I was driving?
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- 0200.
- 0200, yeah.
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Now, I've still got that truck.
But can anyone guess, um...
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what fuel I was running my truck on?
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White diesel, of course,
'cause that is the law. Okay?
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I think my obsession
with tractors started at a young age.
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In fact, I bought my first-ever tractor
at just age 15.
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And now, I've got all these.
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Fendt. New Holland.
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Case.
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John Deere.
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And the tractor that started
my business when I was just 16,
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{\an8}the mighty Lambo.
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1998.
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It's done me well.
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Right. I'm gonna take you all for a ride.
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Come with me.
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Shit. Forgot the key.
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That went well, didn't it?
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I would literally forget my head
if it wasn't screwed on.
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And I think I speak for every farmer
out there when I say,
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every farmer's got
that hiding place on the farm
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where they hide all their keys.
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Am I right?
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Security is high on a farm, honestly.
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And in fact, come to think of it,
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every car has its own key
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and you start that one car, and that's it.
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But weirdly, you can go on the internet
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and just buy any of these keys there,
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and then, just start any of my tractors.
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Security is high on a farm,
trust me, all right?
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So, this is a New Holland T7.210.
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And, yeah, it's quite technical.
It's got GPS on the roof.
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Shocked it's actually still there,
not been nicked yet,
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because that's a proper problem
in agriculture these days.
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Got some sheep coming to the right of us.
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Don't look 'em in the eyes.
Don't look 'em in the eyes.
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Here they are. They're grazing
some cover crops by the looks of it.
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If you look sheep in the eyes,
it's just bad news.
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They're probably gonna get stuck
in a fence and die.
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So, therefore, we won't look them
in the eyes as we go past them.
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Bit bumpy in here. Hope you're all sat...
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sat nice and firm in your seats.
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Yeah, they're looking me in the eye.
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I hate sheep.
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Look at them.
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Fucking things.
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Let's get past them quickly, shall we?
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Look at it.
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It wants to fight ya. I know it does.
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I can sense it.
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But you know what?
There's no place I would rather be
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than in the tractor.
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It's my happy place!
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Let's get this back in the shed
and get back to the stage.
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Now, that obsession with tractors
started at a very young age.
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I remember being age ten
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and helping my dad on the building site.
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And as I walked down...
I used to be a go-for.
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Does anyone know what go-for means?
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"Go and get this. Go and get that." Yeah?
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Been there, done that bit.
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And he used to go, "Kaleb,
go and get me a hammer."
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So as I trotted down to the van,
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we was working in a place
called Hook Norton,
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I remember getting to the van,
and I see this tractor in the field behind
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just going up and down,
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up and down, all day long.
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I was fascinated by tractor wheels
just going around and around and...
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And when they go through mud...
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I mean...
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You see what I mean, though?
Like, it's just fascinating, right?
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Now my farming career
started at a very young age.
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I was age 12 when I got into farming.
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And at age 12, my mum and dad
went through a really tricky divorce.
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And I always said this to myself,
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I firmly believe farming saved me
as a person,
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because at age 12, as my mum and dad
were going through this divorce,
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my mum and myself went this way,
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and my brother and my dad went this way.
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Therefore, it split the family in half.
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And at the time, my mum just recently
set up a mobile dog grooming business
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where she would turn up
at someone's house,
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plug into their electric
and groom their dog.
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Great idea. Good idea, Mum.
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But financials was very slow coming in,
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'cause as you'd just started
this business, business was very slow.
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And I thought to myself,
"You know what, Mum?
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"I wanna be a farmer when I'm older."
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And therefore, I got my first-ever job
on the farm at age 12.
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Now, I was working on a dairy farm,
milking 120 Brown Swiss cows
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with two robots, and rearing
all the followers. Great fun.
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Now, at age 13,
my life changed a little bit more.
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Because for my 13th birthday,
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my mum didn't buy me an Xbox,
a PlayStation, a TV.
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In fact, my mum bought me three chickens.
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Three chickens.
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And I thought to myself at age 13,
"I know. I've got an idea here.
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"I can set my own company up."
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So, therefore, age 13,
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I started my own company.
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It was called Kaleb Cooper's
Happy Hen Egg Company.
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A mouthful, I know, right?
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Seemed a good idea at the time.
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Now, business was going so good,
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within two months of my 13th birthday,
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I had 450 chickens.
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It got busy quite quickly.
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Now, I was selling the eggs
locally around Chipping Norton.
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I realised who my egg customer base was.
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It was the older generation.
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'Cause I was walking around
Chipping Norton with my egg basket.
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I was knocking on people's doors,
asking if they want to buy a dozen eggs.
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It was the older generation
buying the eggs.
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What I realised very early on is that,
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every time I knocked on their door
and said, "Would you buy a dozen eggs,"
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they said, "Yes, please.
Would you like to have a cup of tea?"
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I go, "Well...
I've got 13 dozen eggs to deliver.
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"I've gotta be back at work at 4:00.
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"Oh, yeah, I'll have a cup of tea."
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'Cause I knew, if I had a cup of tea
with these people,
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I could sell them another dozen eggs.
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I was really good at selling eggs.
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Really good. Scary, actually.
Come to think of it now,
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every time I look at tea and biscuits,
it makes me a bit sick.
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I drank a lot of tea
and ate a lot of biscuits.
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But you know what? It sold a lot of eggs.
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I hate this picture.
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I hate it.
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Because my head is not that shape!
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But the perm looks
fucking amazing, doesn't it?
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You don't agree?
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Now, at age 14, I thought,
how can I keep improving my business?
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I've got these 450 chickens.
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I'm making good money.
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And I thought, "I got an idea."
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Now, I don't know why I thought this,
but I did.
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I bought three sheep.
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Three Hebridean sheep.
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Them little fuckers right there.
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Now, the reason I did this
was because I thought to myself,
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"I know! If I buy these sheep,
as I'm walking around with my egg basket,
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"I can also take a shoulder of lamb
and some lamb chops."
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And it worked really well.
I sold a lot of lamb.
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But dealing with the sheep...
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Fucking things, honestly.
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00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:09,559
Now, at age 15, I thought to myself,
"You know what?
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00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:11,839
"I've got two businesses running
really well.
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00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:14,559
"But how can I improve it again?"
I thought, "I know!"
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00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:16,559
I wasn't born into a farming background.
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00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:18,599
So, I haven't got a farm to grow up to.
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00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:22,079
But the next best thing for me
was to become an agricultural contractor.
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00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:25,439
So, therefore, at age 15,
I bought my first ever tractor.
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It was a Case International 1394.
Does anyone know the make?
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00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:31,399
Yeah? You got one, have you?
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00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:33,919
- We have one.
- Shit, aren't they?
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00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:36,919
This tractor was appalling, honestly.
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00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:40,159
Now, this is the first time,
at age 15, I learned what failing was.
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00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:42,719
I don't like the word "failing,"
because I believe
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everything you do is a learning curve.
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00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:46,759
And if you fail at anything,
you just learn from that mistake.
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00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:49,639
Now, at age 15, as I started
this business, it soon failed.
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00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:52,999
Because I didn't do
that one important thing.
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00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,959
I didn't go over there
and kick the wheels of that tractor.
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00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:57,599
Make sure it's got an engine.
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00:11:57,600 --> 00:11:58,799
Make sure it's got a steering wheel.
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00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,239
I was so excited at 15
to go around school and go,
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00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:03,039
"Guess what? I've got a tractor!"
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00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:04,239
"What have you got?
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00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:05,959
"I've got a tractor. Yes, I have."
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00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:09,080
Courting rights was amazing,
honestly. Amazing.
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00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:12,799
Now, as I bought this tractor,
of course it kept breaking down.
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00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:15,279
And I thought to myself,
"I can't do this anymore."
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00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:17,039
My business was failing.
Every time I turned up at a job,
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00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:18,399
I let that customer down.
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00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:20,639
So, therefore,
I decided to sell that tractor.
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00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:23,319
And it was at that time where the school
was getting very annoyed at me.
242
00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:25,599
'Cause as I started my first business
and working full-time,
243
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:28,559
my attendance was, like, 5%.
244
00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:30,519
I thought it was good, all right?
245
00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:32,679
I thought it was good, but apparently not.
246
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:34,559
Now, they kept fining my mum
247
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:37,159
£50 a week for my attendance being so bad.
248
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:40,279
At the time, Mum said, "Kaleb,
I can't keep affording this £50."
249
00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:41,399
I said, "Mum, relax."
250
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:44,239
I said, "I'm earning loads of money.
Let me pay it."
251
00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:46,279
So, for five weeks, I paid the fine.
252
00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:48,159
Now, the school found out about this,
253
00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:50,799
and they got very, very annoyed
at this point.
254
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:53,319
Therefore, they called me
and my mum for a meeting.
255
00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:55,599
Now I remember, I sat down
at that meeting room
256
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:58,639
and they said to me, "Kaleb,
we can't keep going on like this."
257
00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:01,839
I said, "You know what? I agree.
You're costing me £50 a week."
258
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:09,799
I said, "That's £200 a month.
Therefore, £2,400 a year.
259
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:14,359
"And I've worked this out, that's 15%
of my profits from my egg company."
260
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:15,559
And they went,
261
00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:16,959
"Okay, that was really quick
maths for you."
262
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:18,279
I said, "Let me just tell you one thing."
263
00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:20,559
I said, "You can sit me in a classroom
and say,
264
00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:23,039
"'Kaleb, add that eight to that two,'
and ask me, 'What is it?'
265
00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:25,639
"I wouldn't know. I felt claustrophobic.
I couldn't work it out.
266
00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:28,879
"But if that farmer said, 'Kaleb,
I've got eight cows over there,
267
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:32,199
"'and it's them two cows,'
I go, 'Yeah, easy. It's 12. Easy.'
268
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:33,759
"I'm joking, it's 11.
269
00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:35,360
"And then, um...
270
00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:40,199
"It's ten. It's ten."
271
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:43,119
And they said, "Let's come up with a deal.
Let's negotiate."
272
00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:44,439
Sorry. "Let's negotiate?"
273
00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:46,839
This is the first time I learned
what negotiation was.
274
00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:49,239
Now, at age 15, I sat there
and they said, "Look,
275
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:52,959
"You've missed year seven, year eight,
and basically all of year nine.
276
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:54,120
"You're halfway through year nine now.
277
00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:57,319
"So, uh, come back in year ten.
278
00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:00,439
"Have the rest of the year nine off,
and come back in year ten and year 11.
279
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,359
"'Cause you want your GCSEs,
don't you, to get into college?"
280
00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:06,239
I said, "Yes, I do. I wanna go and do
level two and level three in agriculture."
281
00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:09,839
Now I said, "That's a fair deal.
I'll have the rest of the year nine off,
282
00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:12,439
"and then go back in year ten
and choose my GCSEs."
283
00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:15,119
So, therefore, I worked all of year nine.
284
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:16,319
Year ten come around.
285
00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:17,479
I went back to school.
286
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:18,999
I chose my GCSEs.
287
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:21,920
But I soon realised
everything I was gonna do in year ten,
288
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:24,999
I was gonna do in year 11
and, then, sit in an exam.
289
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,519
So, I left again.
290
00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:30,679
But I went to school every Friday
291
00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:34,759
because, by that time, I built up
an egg customer base of my teachers.
292
00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:39,279
I was taking 20 dozen eggs on a Friday,
293
00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:42,039
and I worked out, that paid me more money
to do that,
294
00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:43,840
than do six hours on the farm.
295
00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:46,279
Brains.
296
00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:47,839
For the young ones in year 11,
297
00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:49,799
I went to school every single day.
298
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:51,159
I didn't miss one day.
299
00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:53,879
And I passed all my GCSEs.
I got Cs in everything.
300
00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:56,319
I did my level two
and level three in agriculture.
301
00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:59,999
And as I hit 18, I thought to myself,
"I've done my level three. Now what...
302
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,519
"What can I do?
303
00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:03,199
"I can do everything with a cow."
304
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:05,519
For example, I could go out there
and work on this same dairy farm.
305
00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:08,359
I go up there and... I own a cow.
I could foot trim a cow.
306
00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:11,359
I could also tell if a cow was poorly
and treat that sick cow.
307
00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:15,159
But what I couldn't do was go out there
and plant a field of wheat,
308
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:17,279
or barley, or oilseed rape.
309
00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:19,159
So, therefore made the tough decision
310
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:21,839
to leave my first ever full-time job.
311
00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:24,999
Now, I joined a person
called Howard Pauling.
312
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,359
Now, Howard Pauling taught me
everything I know, to this very day,
313
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:31,399
about planting wheat, barley,
oilseed rape, cultivating, ploughing.
314
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:33,399
And it was in that time...
I worked for him for three years.
315
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:36,719
It was in that time, where I met Jeremy
for the first ever time,
316
00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:38,719
because Howard was, in fact, farming
317
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:40,999
a farm called Lower Court Farm
in Chadlington.
318
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:44,559
But he was also the contractor
for Diddly Squat Farm.
319
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:48,639
And I remember, it was year two of working
for Howard and I come flying up the drive,
320
00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:50,959
and Jeremy was living in the cottage
at the time
321
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,879
'cause he recently blew up his house.
322
00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:54,760
Dunno if anyone's... Mad, I know.
323
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:59,199
And I remember this, I come with a
sprayer, I was gonna spray the barley off.
324
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:00,679
He came out of the house
and he stopped me,
325
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:02,439
and we met for the first time,
we got chatting.
326
00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:04,519
He said, "Kaleb, can I ask you a favour?
327
00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:05,879
I said, "Of course! What?"
328
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:07,599
He said, "Look." He's like,
329
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,719
"Can you drive a bit slower past my house,
330
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:13,039
"'cause Lisa's cat runs around.
It's an old cottage, and it rumbles."
331
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,159
I said, "Yeah, sure. No problem." Anyway.
332
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:18,439
I drive as fast as I can past the house,
333
00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:20,399
just to simply piss him off.
334
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:22,960
It's great fun, honestly. Great fun.
335
00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:26,679
Unfortunately, the third year
as I was working for Howard,
336
00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:29,919
he was only a tenant farmer,
and the landlord wanted to sell the farm.
337
00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:34,840
Now, the farm that he was farming,
in the end, sold for £20.3 million.
338
00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:37,999
That's the Cotswolds, full of posh twats.
339
00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:42,399
Now, he said to me, "Kaleb,
I haven't got a job anymore."
340
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:43,959
I said, "That's okay, Howard."
"You know what," I said,
341
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:46,679
"It's been an honour working for you
for three years,
342
00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:49,119
"but I think it's time I work
for my own company.
343
00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:51,279
"Work for myself,
instead of doing your job
344
00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:52,999
"and my own jobs late at night."
345
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,079
I was gonna go
and work for my own company.
346
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:56,519
Therefore, I joined my own company.
347
00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:57,839
He retired.
348
00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:01,199
And it was in that time
when Cheerful Charlie approached me.
349
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:03,519
And he said, "Kaleb, Howard's giving up.
350
00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:05,319
"We need a contractor
to look after the farm.
351
00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:07,639
"Will you come on as a contractor
for two months
352
00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:10,679
"until Jeremy takes the farm on?"
I said, "Back the fuck up!"
353
00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:12,879
"What'd you just say?"
354
00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:14,599
He said, "Would you come on
as a contractor?"
355
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:16,079
"No, that's fine, I said, "I'll come on
as a contractor.
356
00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:17,519
"What'd you say after that?"
357
00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:19,879
He said, "Jeremy's taking the farm on."
I said, "No, he's not."
358
00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:21,879
I said, "He can't do that. No."
359
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:23,719
And he said, "Look, Kaleb,
it's just farming. Do what he wants."
360
00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:26,119
I said, "Fair enough. Okay, fine. Fine."
361
00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:28,279
Now, I looked after the farm
for two months.
362
00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:30,879
It was in that time
as they interviewed other people
363
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:32,639
to play my role on Clarkson's Farm.
364
00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:36,159
But it wasn't till the very last day
where the director stopped me
365
00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:38,039
as I was going to put my tractor up,
and he said to me,
366
00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:40,679
"Can you pop up
and see Jeremy in the office quickly?"
367
00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:41,879
I said, "Sure thing."
368
00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:47,120
And that was, in fact, the first ever time
you see me on Clarkson's Farm series one.
369
00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:50,199
I realised that I needed help.
370
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:51,519
Kaleb, nice to meet you.
371
00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:53,679
So I called Kaleb Cooper,
372
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:57,120
the tractor driver who'd worked
for the previous farmer.
373
00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:00,079
I'm in a muddle.
374
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,599
I'm in a proper, proper muddle because...
375
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:04,279
You've farmed this farm, haven't you?
376
00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:06,479
Yeah, I've farmed this farm
for three years.
377
00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:08,119
- Three years, is it?
- Yeah.
378
00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:10,599
Well, I've been nearly 24 hours,
379
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:14,039
and all I've managed to do is cultivate
10 acres of...
380
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:15,960
Is that Berry Hill South?
381
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,840
- Ten acres?
- Hmm.
382
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:21,520
And some of it went a bit wrong.
383
00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:23,559
Um...
384
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:26,119
When you've done it in the
past, how long did it take to cultivate?
385
00:18:26,120 --> 00:18:29,559
So, that would probably take me
a good week.
386
00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:31,879
But that's long hours
to do the whole farm.
387
00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:35,719
- I don't mind long hours, but a week?
- Yeah. A week.
388
00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:38,519
And that
was just the cultivating.
389
00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:40,239
We, then, have to plant the seeds
390
00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:42,799
using something called a drill.
391
00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:44,600
And how long would that take?
392
00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:47,799
A bit longer because a...
393
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:49,120
What drill have you got?
394
00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:52,079
A...
395
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:53,399
A red one.
396
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,039
Unbelievable.
397
00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:58,199
It's... it's red. Or was it orange?
398
00:18:58,200 --> 00:18:59,919
Reddy orange.
399
00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:01,039
Reddy orange?
400
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:03,039
So, what else do you do apart from this?
401
00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:05,559
So, I got my own contracting
business on the side,
402
00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:07,439
Kaleb Cooper's Contracting Services.
403
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:09,999
I've also got a 1.5-tonne digger.
404
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,799
I do general digger work,
405
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:14,959
such as burying pipes,
water pipes, digging footings.
406
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:16,679
- So, you're quite practical.
- Yeah.
407
00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:20,159
- Animals?
- I've also got 50 head of sheep.
408
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:23,239
I normally try and do five pigs a year,
409
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,959
to fatten up for sausages, pork chops.
410
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:30,719
I've also got about 120 chickens
at the minute on the farm.
411
00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:32,359
I sell the eggs locally.
412
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:33,559
How old are you?
413
00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:34,920
I'm 21...
414
00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:36,839
- this year.
- What?
415
00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:38,279
21.
416
00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:40,279
You're making me feel pathetic.
417
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:42,360
I'm 59. I haven't done any of that.
418
00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:45,679
- You're a local man?
- Yeah. Chippy, born and bred.
419
00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:48,159
- Never left the place.
- What, you've never left it?
420
00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:49,679
- No.
- Been to London?
421
00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:51,639
No. Oh, once on an art trip.
422
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:53,479
I stayed in the coach.
423
00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:56,920
Couldn't do it. Too many people.
424
00:19:58,400 --> 00:19:59,439
Banbury?
425
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:01,400
Banbury, at a push.
426
00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:04,279
That's if I need something desperately.
427
00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:05,639
But otherwise,
you're happy in Chipping Norton?
428
00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:07,599
Chipping Norton, Chadlington, Heythrop.
429
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,519
That's pretty much... Yeah, that's me.
430
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:11,360
You sound like
just the saving grace.
431
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,479
It's almost as though
God himself has beamed you down.
432
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:16,960
Good. Let's go see the tractor.
433
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:22,600
Thank you.
434
00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:31,159
Now, I wanted to show that clip because...
435
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:32,479
Of course, I'm growing up.
436
00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:35,239
That was five years ago.
I can now grow a full beard.
437
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:40,399
Now, I would say times have changed.
I'm 25 years old now,
438
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:42,319
and I've got two kids.
439
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:44,759
I've got a boy called Oscar.
He's three years old.
440
00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:47,839
And I've got a little girl called Willa,
who is nine months.
441
00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:49,879
My little boy is a proper feral farm kid.
442
00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:51,879
For example, the other day
he was feeding the cows,
443
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:55,879
and he loves the farm. Loves everything,
tractors, cows, loves everything.
444
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:58,119
And I was standing there feeding some cows
and I see him at the gate,
445
00:20:58,120 --> 00:21:00,320
and he was standing at the gate
like this, holding the bar.
446
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:02,559
I'm going, you know what?
I might just sit there for a minute
447
00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:03,959
and see what he's gonna do.
448
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:06,520
And all of a sudden, out pops his tongue.
449
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:08,959
I go, "What's he gonna do now?"
450
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,839
He licks the gate
451
00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:14,119
from one side all the way...
452
00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:15,359
...to the other.
453
00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:16,599
And at the end, he goes,
454
00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:18,159
"Nice!"
455
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:21,079
I said, "Oh, mate, you're gonna
regret that. What happened?"
456
00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:24,599
Two days later, he's on antibiotics
with a throat infection, very poorly.
457
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:27,039
As I walk into the living room, I go,
"You gonna do that again?"
458
00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:29,239
I'll tell you what,
the other day,
459
00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:32,560
again, feeding the cows,
he was standing there, doing this.
460
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:35,919
I said, "Why is it just my kid?"
461
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,639
"What have I done?"
462
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:40,919
Now, he drinks so much milk,
it's unbelievable.
463
00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:42,959
Does anyone else's kid
drink so much milk?
464
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:46,200
Like, he drinks gallons of it, honestly.
465
00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:48,039
Therefore, sometimes,
we get cut short in the house.
466
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,279
And my other half will go,
"Kaleb, can you quickly pop to the shop
467
00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:51,999
"and go and get some milk?"
I go, "Yeah, of course."
468
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:54,319
Now, I wanna say this,
about eight months ago...
469
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:57,559
This is a true story, by the way.
But eight months ago,
470
00:21:57,560 --> 00:22:00,199
I go into the shop and I grab a pint
of milk and I'm stood there.
471
00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:02,679
And as I'm standing there, this young boy,
472
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:04,919
probably about 13 years old,
473
00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:06,799
comes into the right hand side of me.
474
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:09,399
And, you know, I'm gonna
quickly ask him a question.
475
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:12,519
I said, "Excuse me. Do you know
where your milk comes from?"
476
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:16,719
Now I swear on my life, the answer
that he said when I say this,
477
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:18,519
and he said to me, he said, "Kaleb,
478
00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:21,279
"it comes from the supermarket shelf."
479
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:24,639
Bloody hell. It broke my heart.
It broke my heart.
480
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:27,559
Now, I thought, I'm gonna give him
a lesson, here and now.
481
00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:29,319
So I thought I'd give him a lesson.
482
00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:30,559
And I said, "Mate, no, your milk
comes from..."
483
00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:31,999
Before I even said anything,
484
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:34,439
this young chap says to me,
"Kaleb, I'm too busy."
485
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:36,319
I said, "You're 13! Busy doing what?"
486
00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:38,879
He said, "I gotta get back to my game."
I said, "What's your game?"
487
00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:41,799
He said a game called Fortnite.
Does anyone play that here?
488
00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:44,759
It sounds so shit!
489
00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:47,119
What is it, honestly?
490
00:22:47,120 --> 00:22:48,359
And I thought to myself,
491
00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:51,239
"How can I get this point across and teach
people where their milk comes from?"
492
00:22:51,240 --> 00:22:53,599
I thought, "I know! I'm going on tour.
493
00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:57,719
"And hopefully, everyone will be sitting
nice and comfortably in their seats,
494
00:22:57,720 --> 00:23:00,359
"and therefore, they can join me
in the milking pile,
495
00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:02,880
"and we'll go milk some cows together."
Come with me!
496
00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:09,119
This is where the magic happens,
497
00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:11,199
and I'm gonna teach you how it happens.
498
00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:14,000
So firstly, we dip.
499
00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:21,000
Dipping done. Now, we wipe.
500
00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:26,120
This is basically cleaning the teats.
501
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:30,880
All the way down.
502
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:34,360
My nice clean shirt...
503
00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:36,840
covered in cow shit already.
504
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:40,239
You looking at me like that, down there?
505
00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:41,479
Eh? You like that?
506
00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:43,000
After cleaning...
507
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:45,879
is when the good stuff happens.
508
00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:47,639
Cluster.
509
00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:48,799
Fit the first one up.
510
00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:51,319
Find the first teat. On.
511
00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:53,079
Second one.
512
00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:55,559
I mean, her udder is extremely low.
513
00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:58,599
I mean, I'm sure there's a few people
in the audience with...
514
00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:00,199
south-facing, um...
515
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:02,400
Talking of milk...
516
00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:05,399
You down there on the front row,
517
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:08,160
you look like you want some milk.
Let me get you some.
518
00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:13,279
Here we go.
519
00:24:13,280 --> 00:24:15,600
Here we go.
520
00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:25,159
The dairy industry is having it
very hard right now.
521
00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:26,679
I wanted to highlight this.
522
00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:29,720
Let's start with this,
is there any dairy farmers here tonight?
523
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:32,560
Put your hands up! Where are you all?
524
00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:34,439
Down there? Few at the top.
525
00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:36,839
Can we give them
a big round of applause, please?
526
00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:48,679
Now, what I'm about to say is that,
I don't think it's ever been said before
527
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:50,439
and, therefore, some of you
may disagree with me on it.
528
00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:52,119
But that's fine, but hear me out.
529
00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:55,279
Now, this litre of milk right here
cost a dairy farmer
530
00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:58,040
35p a litre to produce.
531
00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:03,759
But for the last two years, on average,
they've been getting paid 32p a litre,
532
00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:06,199
selling their milk at a loss.
533
00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:07,359
Mad, isn't it? Right?
534
00:25:07,360 --> 00:25:10,400
Now, why is that?
535
00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:14,479
I don't know. But I wanna ask
one thing here tonight, and that is...
536
00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:17,519
has everyone here got a pint of milk
in their fridge right now?
537
00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:19,079
Yeah? Yeah?
538
00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:22,559
If you haven't, you're probably a vegan.
You might be at the wrong show.
539
00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:26,880
Now, can anyone tell me how much they pay
for their pint of milk?
540
00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:31,759
There's my point.
541
00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:33,359
No one knows.
542
00:25:33,360 --> 00:25:35,119
And every time I ask this question,
everyone goes,
543
00:25:35,120 --> 00:25:36,879
"Oh, actually, I don't know."
544
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:39,279
Because I firmly believe, people walk
through the supermarket or the shop
545
00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:41,199
and go, "Oh, yeah, milk. I need that."
546
00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:44,119
"Look at the cost of beef and lamb.
That's expensive, yeah?"
547
00:25:44,120 --> 00:25:47,119
Milk is that one thing we need
in our fridge all the time,
548
00:25:47,120 --> 00:25:50,519
for our teas, coffees,
baking, porridge, cornflakes.
549
00:25:50,520 --> 00:25:54,119
So, therefore, I don't believe
anyone looks at the cost of it.
550
00:25:54,120 --> 00:25:56,719
But if the milk price
was to rise by 10p a litre,
551
00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:58,200
would anyone still notice?
552
00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:01,559
No? But I'll tell you who would notice.
553
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:03,280
And that is the dairy farmer.
554
00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:05,279
The dairy farmer would notice that.
555
00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:07,759
If that 10p got paid straight
to the dairy farmer,
556
00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:09,839
it would help them and go a very long way.
557
00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:12,239
'Cause as I said earlier, they get paid
558
00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:15,639
less than what it costs them
to produce this litre of milk.
559
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:18,839
And there's more red tape
coming into the dairy industry now.
560
00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:21,919
It's making it extremely hard
to make it a profitable business.
561
00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:24,519
For example, you've got
a mud pile over here,
562
00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:26,799
you've now gotta go out there
and build a shed
563
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:29,759
over your mud pile to stop the rain water
getting in with it?
564
00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:32,079
That's fine. But who's gotta pay
for that shed?
565
00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:34,679
Now, of course, there's a government grant
out there to pay for half the shed.
566
00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:37,719
But the dairy farmer has still gotta pay
for the other half.
567
00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:39,479
And as I said earlier, financially,
568
00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:41,279
I guarantee they're struggling.
569
00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:42,999
So, ladies and gentlemen, that 10p
570
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:46,279
will go a very, very long way
with your local dairy farmer.
571
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:48,359
Would you like this milk? Yeah?
572
00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:50,399
Here we go. Enjoy.
573
00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:51,919
Now, that's unpasteurized.
574
00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:53,759
You're gonna shit yourself. Sorry.
575
00:26:58,080 --> 00:27:00,319
The milk comes out the teat,
576
00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:02,479
down this tube
into this bowl at the bottom,
577
00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:05,279
which then gets pumped up this line
into the tank.
578
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:08,799
19.4 litres, that one cow.
579
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:10,080
That's a lot of milk.
580
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:12,959
And to finish this is to post-dip,
581
00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:15,039
which then stops them
getting an infection.
582
00:27:15,040 --> 00:27:17,800
So, we just dip each teat individually.
583
00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:19,959
I can't find that one. Oh, we did do it.
584
00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:22,280
And now, we let them back out to grass.
585
00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:31,919
I love cows.
They're just amazing, aren't they?
586
00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:34,879
Look at them. Look at the hairstyle
on that one.
587
00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:36,279
Got better hair than me.
588
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:42,519
And that is how you milk cows
589
00:27:42,520 --> 00:27:44,400
and where your milk comes from.
590
00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:58,439
That was fun, wasn't it?
591
00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:00,719
Yeah, everyone know
where milk comes from now?
592
00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:03,839
Now, of course, if you milk 180 cattle,
like it was just there,
593
00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:05,759
you get a lot of shit.
594
00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:07,320
Now, they wouldn't let me
bring real shit on stage.
595
00:28:08,080 --> 00:28:09,399
So, we've got this instead.
596
00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:11,639
But I wanted to highlight this,
'cause an old farmer called Robin...
597
00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:14,159
Who spoke a little bit like this,
"Howdy Doody!"
598
00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:16,759
...said to me one day, "Kaleb,
where there's muck, there's brass."
599
00:28:16,760 --> 00:28:18,399
And I never knew what he meant,
600
00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:20,599
until I brought my own two muck-spreaders
601
00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:23,879
and, then, spread a lot of shit,
and got paid to do it.
602
00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:27,559
Now, I wanted to highlight this
again because,
603
00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:29,720
quite recently, there's been
a few programmes on TV saying,
604
00:28:29,840 --> 00:28:31,639
"Don't eat beef.
Cows are killing the planet."
605
00:28:31,640 --> 00:28:33,559
Well, it's total shit!
606
00:28:33,560 --> 00:28:35,919
Let me tell you why I think that.
607
00:28:35,920 --> 00:28:39,759
80% of our farmable land in England
is, indeed, grassland.
608
00:28:39,760 --> 00:28:44,399
So, therefore, we need our cows
and, unfortunately, sheep to graze that,
609
00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:45,959
to make it sustainable to farm.
610
00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:48,159
Now, at the back of them
comes a lot of shit,
611
00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:50,319
and that's important
for our sewers' health.
612
00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:53,199
For example, if we keep
intensively farming for 20 years,
613
00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:55,599
we may no longer have any topsoil left.
614
00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:57,639
So, therefore, if we keep spreading this,
615
00:28:57,640 --> 00:28:59,679
our sewers' health will be up here
616
00:28:59,680 --> 00:29:01,439
instead of down here.
617
00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:06,199
Now, talking of serious shit, actually,
618
00:29:06,200 --> 00:29:09,079
mental health in farming
is through the roof at the moment.
619
00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:11,439
I thought to myself,
"How can I raise awareness
620
00:29:11,440 --> 00:29:12,919
"and maybe raise some money?"
621
00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:14,799
And I thought, "I've got a good idea.
622
00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:16,759
"I'm gonna team up with the RABI,
623
00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:19,719
which are a local charity to me
for mental health in farming.
624
00:29:19,720 --> 00:29:21,680
So, seeing I'm a professional singer...
625
00:29:24,040 --> 00:29:25,959
...I'm going to do a charity single.
626
00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:27,839
Has anyone heard my charity single?
627
00:29:29,720 --> 00:29:32,440
Now, my song is called
I Can't Stand Sheep.
628
00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:37,520
I'm gonna go and stand over there
and hide with embarrassment. Enjoy.
629
00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:51,200
♪ I can't stand sheep ♪
630
00:30:02,040 --> 00:30:04,639
♪ I'm no singer
Everybody knows ♪
631
00:30:04,640 --> 00:30:06,799
♪ I'm a farmer
So here it goes ♪
632
00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:09,679
♪ I'm raising money for the RABI ♪
633
00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:12,800
♪ For all the farming people
Who need a hand getting by ♪
634
00:30:23,040 --> 00:30:26,079
{\an8}♪ If you love me
You have to love my tractor ♪
635
00:30:26,080 --> 00:30:28,319
{\an8}♪ I was born with the F factor ♪
636
00:30:28,320 --> 00:30:30,719
♪ Always in the shit
Just the depth that varies ♪
637
00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:33,399
♪ I like cows
When they're in the dairies ♪
638
00:30:33,400 --> 00:30:36,239
♪ I like pigs and chickens
And tipping corn in a heap ♪
639
00:30:36,240 --> 00:30:38,640
♪ Did I mention
I can't stand sheep! ♪
640
00:30:42,960 --> 00:30:44,600
♪ I can't stand sheep! ♪
641
00:30:49,840 --> 00:30:51,959
♪ Whenever the weather
Gets you down ♪
642
00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:54,839
♪ And you think you might be better off
In a town ♪
643
00:30:54,840 --> 00:30:57,559
♪ Waiting for the morning
In all its glory ♪
644
00:30:57,560 --> 00:31:00,040
♪ A new day can bring
A different story ♪
645
00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:03,079
♪ Ploughing straight lines
Makes my heart beat ♪
646
00:31:03,080 --> 00:31:05,600
♪ Did I mention
I can't stand sheep! ♪
647
00:31:09,600 --> 00:31:10,760
♪ I can't stand sheep! ♪
648
00:31:16,160 --> 00:31:18,879
♪ Don't forget us
When you clear your plate ♪
649
00:31:18,880 --> 00:31:21,359
♪ Good food never goes
Out of date ♪
650
00:31:21,360 --> 00:31:24,559
♪ It's more than a job
It's a life, you see ♪
651
00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:26,560
♪ It means the world
To people like me ♪
652
00:31:27,120 --> 00:31:29,679
♪ John Deere, Massey, and Ford
Are a treat ♪
653
00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:32,280
♪ Did I mention
I can't stand sheep! ♪
654
00:31:36,280 --> 00:31:37,440
♪ I can't stand sheep! ♪
655
00:31:43,160 --> 00:31:45,519
♪ It can get lonely
Up in the cab ♪
656
00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:48,279
♪ Thinking about all the hard times
That you've had ♪
657
00:31:48,280 --> 00:31:50,519
♪ A problem shared
Is a problem halved ♪
658
00:31:50,520 --> 00:31:53,559
♪ If you're feeling lost
Out in the yard ♪
659
00:31:53,560 --> 00:31:56,159
♪ So sing along
And stamp your feet ♪
660
00:31:56,160 --> 00:31:58,920
♪ Did I mention
I can't stand sheep! ♪
661
00:32:02,720 --> 00:32:04,160
♪ I can't stand sheep! ♪
662
00:32:16,640 --> 00:32:17,840
Oh...
663
00:32:21,400 --> 00:32:24,039
Now, I think we can all agree
on one thing, and that is,
664
00:32:24,040 --> 00:32:25,919
I'm no singer, everybody...
665
00:32:25,920 --> 00:32:28,479
I'm not gonna do it to ya.
I'm not gonna do it.
666
00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:31,559
Now, after the interval,
we've got a little bit of a Q and A,
667
00:32:31,560 --> 00:32:33,399
and there's a bucket placed here,
668
00:32:33,400 --> 00:32:36,479
at the front of the stage,
as well as in the hall out in front.
669
00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:38,519
If you'd like to ask me any question,
670
00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:41,959
please pop it on this little slip here,
and pop it back in the bucket.
671
00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:44,159
I'll answer as many as I can
after the break.
672
00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:46,959
Go and get yourself a drink, everybody.
Thank you so much!
673
00:33:20,800 --> 00:33:23,799
Welcome to my second happy place!
674
00:33:28,760 --> 00:33:31,439
I love having my hair done.
Is anyone else the same?
675
00:33:31,440 --> 00:33:33,359
Yeah?
676
00:33:33,360 --> 00:33:35,999
I get asked a lot, "Kaleb, do you want
a free haircut?
677
00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:38,039
"You want free products?"
I always say no,
678
00:33:38,040 --> 00:33:41,079
because I have a special relationship
with my hairdresser,
679
00:33:41,080 --> 00:33:42,599
who's here tonight!
680
00:33:42,600 --> 00:33:43,999
Hello, Joan.
681
00:33:50,160 --> 00:33:51,959
Now, I always get asked, "Kaleb,
682
00:33:51,960 --> 00:33:55,599
"why do you have so many
different types of hairstyles?"
683
00:33:55,600 --> 00:33:58,119
Well, for a couple of reasons,
but one reason being,
684
00:33:58,120 --> 00:34:01,079
my dad is, like,
completely bald. Completely.
685
00:34:01,080 --> 00:34:02,239
All right, Dad?
686
00:34:03,400 --> 00:34:05,559
{\an8}Big round of applause
for my dad, everybody!
687
00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:08,839
Wanna stand up?
688
00:34:08,840 --> 00:34:10,959
Come on! There he is!
689
00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:18,439
See? Completely bald.
690
00:34:18,440 --> 00:34:22,039
So I know for a damn fact I'm gonna end up
looking like that one day.
691
00:34:22,040 --> 00:34:23,319
So I thought to myself,
692
00:34:23,320 --> 00:34:26,639
"I'm gonna try every single
different hairstyle possible
693
00:34:26,640 --> 00:34:28,839
"until I find the one that I love."
694
00:34:28,840 --> 00:34:33,799
Now, I wonder, however,
what I'd looked like if I did go bald.
695
00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:38,399
Thank God for Snapchat filters.
696
00:34:38,400 --> 00:34:40,120
I now know what I'd look like.
697
00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:42,039
Scary, right?
698
00:34:42,040 --> 00:34:43,279
Yeah?
699
00:34:43,280 --> 00:34:45,719
Now, you joined me
on the second half of the show,
700
00:34:45,720 --> 00:34:48,639
which is, indeed, all about hair.
701
00:34:48,640 --> 00:34:49,719
Exhibit A,
702
00:34:49,720 --> 00:34:53,720
my favourite has got to be the perm.
703
00:34:54,440 --> 00:34:55,879
I absolutely love the perm.
704
00:34:55,880 --> 00:34:58,239
For example, if you look closely
just here,
705
00:34:58,240 --> 00:34:59,599
as well as here,
706
00:34:59,600 --> 00:35:01,560
It's covering my balding patches.
707
00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:04,399
It's coming, honestly. More importantly,
708
00:35:04,400 --> 00:35:07,719
look at the curls on that,
and the volume of it!
709
00:35:07,720 --> 00:35:09,079
Amazing, right?
710
00:35:09,080 --> 00:35:10,759
Does everyone love the perm?
711
00:35:12,480 --> 00:35:15,879
One style that I did try,
however, was the top knot.
712
00:35:15,880 --> 00:35:17,320
Does everyone remember this?
713
00:35:17,680 --> 00:35:19,839
What does everyone think?
714
00:35:21,480 --> 00:35:22,919
Boo? Christ!
715
00:35:22,920 --> 00:35:25,519
I agree. I rocked this style
for about a week.
716
00:35:25,520 --> 00:35:28,479
And the reason being,
if you look closely just here,
717
00:35:28,480 --> 00:35:29,560
and here,
718
00:35:30,520 --> 00:35:32,359
you'll see that I'm balding.
719
00:35:32,360 --> 00:35:33,879
And I was told as a young kid,
720
00:35:33,880 --> 00:35:36,319
"If you wear hats
and have your hair that tight,
721
00:35:36,320 --> 00:35:39,559
"you're gonna end up with no hair,
looking like your dad, maybe."
722
00:35:39,560 --> 00:35:42,319
I also, if you look closely
at this bit here,
723
00:35:42,320 --> 00:35:43,839
which is indeed my forehead...
724
00:35:43,840 --> 00:35:45,639
Not the length of it,
725
00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:48,040
but the amount of wrinkles
there are there.
726
00:35:49,120 --> 00:35:51,160
Not one wrinkle in sight. Do you know why?
727
00:35:51,280 --> 00:35:55,039
That top knot was pulling my skin
that tight back,
728
00:35:55,040 --> 00:35:56,999
I had a little nipple on my chin.
729
00:35:57,000 --> 00:35:59,199
Terrible, right? Terrible.
730
00:35:59,200 --> 00:36:01,679
Now, a style that is coming,
and when it just come,
731
00:36:01,680 --> 00:36:03,839
I am going to rock this look.
732
00:36:03,840 --> 00:36:06,040
And that is, indeed, the combover.
733
00:36:09,240 --> 00:36:11,879
But I said I'm gonna rock it
and let me tell you how.
734
00:36:11,880 --> 00:36:13,639
Look at this bit just here,
735
00:36:13,640 --> 00:36:15,119
as well as here.
736
00:36:15,120 --> 00:36:16,519
I'm gonna perm them.
737
00:36:16,520 --> 00:36:18,599
Oh, yes.
738
00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:21,359
I tell you, I am going to rock that look
when it happens.
739
00:36:21,360 --> 00:36:22,439
Rock it!
740
00:36:22,440 --> 00:36:25,920
But till then, let's move to the next one,
'cause that's quite scary.
741
00:36:26,720 --> 00:36:27,879
I'm not gonna try this,
742
00:36:27,880 --> 00:36:29,959
because it's called The Seagull!
743
00:36:33,280 --> 00:36:36,680
The reason I'm not gonna try it anymore,
'cause I fucking hate seagulls!
744
00:36:37,320 --> 00:36:39,720
So, I'll move on to the Q and A.
745
00:36:39,840 --> 00:36:41,479
Okay, I'll move on to the Q and A.
746
00:36:41,480 --> 00:36:43,719
I'll put this stick down for a minute.
747
00:36:43,720 --> 00:36:45,959
Right. I'll even take
the bob off, actually.
748
00:36:45,960 --> 00:36:47,999
Without much hairspray,
has my hair stayed the same?
749
00:36:49,920 --> 00:36:51,759
Where's my bucket? Here it is. Right.
750
00:36:51,760 --> 00:36:54,960
Let's try and answer
as many questions as possible.
751
00:36:58,000 --> 00:36:59,759
That's a sheep question. Nope.
752
00:37:01,440 --> 00:37:02,999
"What was your favourite moment
753
00:37:03,000 --> 00:37:05,039
"when filming Clarkson's Farm?"
754
00:37:05,040 --> 00:37:06,440
Good question.
755
00:37:07,640 --> 00:37:08,919
There's been so many.
I mean, the arguments,
756
00:37:08,920 --> 00:37:10,759
of course, are always funny.
757
00:37:10,760 --> 00:37:12,839
Well, for you lot.
758
00:37:12,840 --> 00:37:15,079
It's very stressful for me.
759
00:37:15,080 --> 00:37:18,119
I mean, it's more frustrating,
more than you think, actually.
760
00:37:18,120 --> 00:37:21,119
Because, for example, I watched him
from three fields away
761
00:37:21,120 --> 00:37:23,599
drive into that telegraph pole, Jeremy.
762
00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:26,840
A funny one to me is, does anyone remember
763
00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:29,559
when I was pushing them fence posts in
with the loader?
764
00:37:29,560 --> 00:37:30,639
Don't do that, okay?
765
00:37:30,640 --> 00:37:32,799
Health and safety is not good.
Don't do it.
766
00:37:32,800 --> 00:37:34,159
All right?
767
00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:36,159
But farmers sometimes do do that.
768
00:37:36,160 --> 00:37:39,199
And when he got hit in the knee,
it wasn't that bad, honestly.
769
00:37:39,200 --> 00:37:40,639
He's a proper wimp.
770
00:37:40,640 --> 00:37:42,879
My favourite moment,
I walked there calmly,
771
00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:45,879
I went, "Do you want me to get Lisa
to get you a bag of peas?"
772
00:37:45,880 --> 00:37:47,759
I was always told, if you break
your elbow, you want a bag of peas.
773
00:37:47,760 --> 00:37:49,359
It'll bring it out.
774
00:37:50,440 --> 00:37:52,399
I know. I do say that for everything.
775
00:37:52,400 --> 00:37:54,519
I do. Let's just say, "You have
a bag of peas? You'll be all right."
776
00:37:54,520 --> 00:37:56,199
Oscar licking a gate post
with a throat infection,
777
00:37:56,200 --> 00:37:57,759
"Bag of peas? Fix it."
778
00:37:59,200 --> 00:38:00,879
I mean, there's been so many.
779
00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:03,319
The whole roller coaster's
been so fun doing it.
780
00:38:03,320 --> 00:38:05,399
And, of course, we're doing a series four.
781
00:38:05,400 --> 00:38:07,519
Hopefully, it'll go on
for many more years.
782
00:38:07,520 --> 00:38:10,399
But the whole thing's been amazing.
783
00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:11,960
So many different highlights.
784
00:38:14,960 --> 00:38:15,960
Hmm.
785
00:38:17,160 --> 00:38:19,600
"Can you come and drill our cover crop?
786
00:38:20,280 --> 00:38:23,880
"Little Dean at Overton Farm."
787
00:38:24,400 --> 00:38:26,359
- Yeah.
- Do you want my business card?
788
00:38:26,360 --> 00:38:27,920
Yeah?
789
00:38:29,000 --> 00:38:31,519
- I'll DM you.
- DM me? I won't see it.
790
00:38:31,520 --> 00:38:33,199
I get so many DMs a day.
791
00:38:33,200 --> 00:38:34,999
And they're always, like, nipple pictures.
It's weird.
792
00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:37,240
Honestly.
793
00:38:38,280 --> 00:38:39,600
I'll do it for you, though.
794
00:38:40,440 --> 00:38:42,080
All right, let's have another one.
795
00:38:44,760 --> 00:38:45,960
Fucking hell.
796
00:38:49,920 --> 00:38:51,999
It's getting a bit hot up here, innit?
797
00:38:53,240 --> 00:38:55,119
It's quite rude. Do you want me to...
798
00:38:55,120 --> 00:38:56,400
Really?
799
00:38:59,320 --> 00:39:01,440
Taya, I'm sorry.
800
00:39:02,280 --> 00:39:03,520
The question says,
801
00:39:04,520 --> 00:39:06,959
"Did you lose your virginity
in a tractor?"
802
00:39:15,440 --> 00:39:16,640
Christ.
803
00:39:23,080 --> 00:39:24,999
No, it was a VW Polo. Anyway...
804
00:39:31,440 --> 00:39:33,559
Had to come out, didn't it?
805
00:39:33,560 --> 00:39:34,959
Had to come out, all right?
806
00:39:34,960 --> 00:39:36,239
It really didn't!
807
00:39:38,600 --> 00:39:39,880
Last question. Here we go.
808
00:39:40,640 --> 00:39:42,480
Fucking, of course it would be this.
809
00:39:42,920 --> 00:39:44,639
"Why do you hate sheep so much?"
810
00:39:46,200 --> 00:39:48,879
The reason I hate sheep so much
is for a few reasons.
811
00:39:48,880 --> 00:39:51,079
As a young kid, I used to have
these sheep.
812
00:39:51,080 --> 00:39:55,119
And as I started working for Howard,
I was doing more and more tractor work,
813
00:39:55,120 --> 00:39:56,719
especially through the harvest.
814
00:39:56,720 --> 00:39:58,919
So, I get into the tractor during harvest.
815
00:39:58,920 --> 00:40:00,439
Jump in. Start the combine up.
816
00:40:00,440 --> 00:40:02,879
We start cutting the field.
My phone rings.
817
00:40:02,880 --> 00:40:05,480
"Hi, I think one of your sheep's
stuck in our fence."
818
00:40:06,080 --> 00:40:08,119
"I'm on my way."
After getting a bollocking from Howard,
819
00:40:08,120 --> 00:40:12,319
I get down to this field, and there's,
of course, one sheep stuck in a fence.
820
00:40:12,320 --> 00:40:15,959
But as I step within a metre
of this sheep, what happened, everybody?
821
00:40:17,080 --> 00:40:18,160
Doesn't die just yet.
822
00:40:18,800 --> 00:40:21,519
It gets out and, then, runs up the field.
823
00:40:21,520 --> 00:40:24,399
And as I stand there looking at it,
it looks back at me,
824
00:40:24,400 --> 00:40:25,799
and we make eye contact.
825
00:40:25,800 --> 00:40:27,559
For ten seconds, no more, no less.
826
00:40:27,560 --> 00:40:29,319
- Then what happens?
- It dies!
827
00:40:29,320 --> 00:40:31,160
It dies.
828
00:40:33,800 --> 00:40:35,639
Now, they also attract maggots.
829
00:40:35,640 --> 00:40:38,640
Now, I mean, I hate it,
any animal in pain.
830
00:40:39,320 --> 00:40:42,639
But what goes through that sheep's mind
when I go and help this sheep?
831
00:40:42,640 --> 00:40:45,839
It's not the fact
that there's maggots killing it.
832
00:40:45,840 --> 00:40:49,039
Doesn't worry about them anymore.
As soon as I step in that field,
833
00:40:49,040 --> 00:40:52,639
it's like, "I must run away. That farmer's
gonna kill me. Run like fuck.
834
00:40:52,640 --> 00:40:54,679
"Run, run, run!" And what happens?
835
00:40:54,680 --> 00:40:55,839
I catch it eventually.
836
00:40:55,840 --> 00:40:57,719
Three hours later, I cure that sheep.
837
00:40:57,720 --> 00:40:59,599
- Then, what happened?
- It died.
838
00:40:59,600 --> 00:41:01,000
Not just yet.
839
00:41:01,760 --> 00:41:04,320
That's too easy, that is. That's too easy!
840
00:41:05,600 --> 00:41:07,999
The second day, you go back,
and what happens then?
841
00:41:08,000 --> 00:41:09,759
It's on its back cast.
842
00:41:09,760 --> 00:41:11,279
'Cause it can't get back up.
843
00:41:11,280 --> 00:41:13,159
So, you go over to it. You walk back.
844
00:41:13,160 --> 00:41:15,599
You put it on his four feet,
it runs up the field,
845
00:41:15,600 --> 00:41:17,279
clean as hell, all healthy.
846
00:41:17,280 --> 00:41:20,079
Then, looks back at you,
straight into your eyes again
847
00:41:20,080 --> 00:41:21,400
and, then, just dies.
848
00:41:22,040 --> 00:41:24,199
I fucking hate sheep!
849
00:41:25,320 --> 00:41:27,719
Of course, I do have
favourite animals, though.
850
00:41:27,720 --> 00:41:29,679
Can anyone guess some of my favourites?
851
00:41:29,680 --> 00:41:30,879
- Pigs.
- Pigs.
852
00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:33,199
I love pigs,
and I've got a few pigs myself.
853
00:41:33,200 --> 00:41:34,439
In fact, here they are.
854
00:41:34,440 --> 00:41:36,599
This is Hazel on the left hand side.
855
00:41:36,600 --> 00:41:37,919
And this is Maple.
856
00:41:37,920 --> 00:41:40,319
Now, the reason one is called Hazel
is because,
857
00:41:40,320 --> 00:41:42,959
when we found out the gender
of our second-born,
858
00:41:42,960 --> 00:41:45,799
I said to my other half,
"Can we call her Hazel?"
859
00:41:45,800 --> 00:41:47,959
We found out it's a girl.
"Can we call her Hazel, please?"
860
00:41:47,960 --> 00:41:50,879
This is the answer that I got.
It was actually like this.
861
00:41:50,880 --> 00:41:52,879
"No."
862
00:41:52,880 --> 00:41:55,039
I know for a fact
you don't argue with that.
863
00:41:55,040 --> 00:41:58,119
Therefore, I bought a pig instead
and called her Hazel.
864
00:41:58,120 --> 00:41:59,679
She's had a litter of babies.
865
00:41:59,680 --> 00:42:03,519
She's got five babies weaned off,
and she's done incredibly well.
866
00:42:03,520 --> 00:42:05,639
Now, I have to say this.
867
00:42:05,640 --> 00:42:08,119
Jeremy's got a few pigs.
Dunno if you've seen that.
868
00:42:08,120 --> 00:42:10,639
He's actually not a bad
pig farmer, you know?
869
00:42:10,640 --> 00:42:13,559
He's quite good.
870
00:42:13,560 --> 00:42:14,759
I know. Surprisingly.
871
00:42:14,760 --> 00:42:16,479
For example, the other day,
he came running up the drive.
872
00:42:16,480 --> 00:42:19,680
I say "running." It was more crawling,
'cause he's like a fossil.
873
00:42:20,720 --> 00:42:21,839
He goes, "Guess what?"
874
00:42:21,840 --> 00:42:24,799
I go, "What? You got your two arms
and legs. What happened?"
875
00:42:24,800 --> 00:42:27,279
"I've got eight piglets there,
all doing great."
876
00:42:27,280 --> 00:42:28,679
I go, "Well done, mate."
877
00:42:28,680 --> 00:42:31,279
Then he started talking,
and I'm getting bored now.
878
00:42:31,280 --> 00:42:33,159
I know I taught you all of this,
but well done.
879
00:42:33,160 --> 00:42:35,519
Felt like good little father, weirdly,
880
00:42:35,520 --> 00:42:37,079
even though he's triple my age.
881
00:42:37,080 --> 00:42:40,199
But proud moment to me.
He's a really good pig farmer.
882
00:42:40,200 --> 00:42:42,799
Don't tell him too much,
or he gets big-headed.
883
00:42:42,800 --> 00:42:43,999
Any other favourite animals out there?
884
00:42:44,000 --> 00:42:46,879
I'm after one animal
that I wanna really slander. Come on.
885
00:42:46,880 --> 00:42:48,879
Seagulls, can't say. Come on.
886
00:42:48,880 --> 00:42:51,399
Come on, just say it. Say it.
887
00:42:51,400 --> 00:42:54,879
The farmers out there,
say what you want to say. Wait...
888
00:42:54,880 --> 00:42:56,040
Say that again.
889
00:42:57,000 --> 00:42:58,200
- Badger.
- Badger.
890
00:42:58,640 --> 00:42:59,640
There we are.
891
00:43:00,560 --> 00:43:03,239
Badgers. Let me see
if a badger's at the top of the list.
892
00:43:03,240 --> 00:43:05,760
Let me try to think of a few good things
that badgers do. One minute.
893
00:43:06,280 --> 00:43:10,119
They're overpopulated and they carry TB.
That's a bad thing, right?
894
00:43:10,120 --> 00:43:12,039
They spread it to cattle.
That's another bad thing.
895
00:43:12,040 --> 00:43:14,479
Wait, no... They eat hedgehogs.
Another bad thing.
896
00:43:14,480 --> 00:43:16,679
- We like hedgehogs, don't we?
- Yes!
897
00:43:16,680 --> 00:43:19,079
Wait! No, wait...
That's another bad thing.
898
00:43:19,080 --> 00:43:21,879
They eat ground-nesting birds.
We like them too, don't we?
899
00:43:21,880 --> 00:43:23,279
- Yes.
- You know what?
900
00:43:23,280 --> 00:43:25,000
I can't fucking stand badgers.
901
00:43:26,040 --> 00:43:27,399
I'll tell you what's at the top
of my list, though.
902
00:43:27,400 --> 00:43:29,119
That is, indeed, cows.
903
00:43:29,120 --> 00:43:30,999
I love cows.
904
00:43:31,000 --> 00:43:32,079
Love them.
905
00:43:32,080 --> 00:43:33,919
But a few different reasons.
906
00:43:33,920 --> 00:43:37,079
I think one reason being
the personalities that these cows carry.
907
00:43:37,080 --> 00:43:39,639
Now, I have 220 cows myself.
908
00:43:39,640 --> 00:43:41,639
These are a few of my cows just here.
909
00:43:41,640 --> 00:43:44,280
Actually, we've sold these,
and ate these ones. But...
910
00:43:45,160 --> 00:43:47,399
You've seen them on a screen.
911
00:43:47,400 --> 00:43:50,439
Are you okay? He looks horrified
when I say that.
912
00:43:50,440 --> 00:43:51,679
They taste amazing.
913
00:43:53,440 --> 00:43:56,279
Now, these are a few of my cows.
I got 220 cows here.
914
00:43:56,280 --> 00:43:57,839
And...
915
00:44:00,040 --> 00:44:02,319
There's a few Herefords.
916
00:44:05,840 --> 00:44:07,840
Very keen.
917
00:44:08,360 --> 00:44:10,279
There we go. We're safe now.
We can keep going.
918
00:44:10,280 --> 00:44:13,479
There's a few Herefords,
as well as a few Angus.
919
00:44:13,480 --> 00:44:15,479
And if you look at the cows at the back,
920
00:44:15,480 --> 00:44:17,399
there's a few Belgian Blues there.
921
00:44:17,400 --> 00:44:19,920
The reason I have these cows,
I rear them for beef.
922
00:44:20,320 --> 00:44:21,719
And I say, just a minute ago,
923
00:44:21,720 --> 00:44:23,679
see the two cows walking ahead of me?
924
00:44:23,680 --> 00:44:25,559
The rest, they're walking behind me.
925
00:44:25,560 --> 00:44:27,279
Basically like dogs. They love me.
926
00:44:27,280 --> 00:44:31,399
Them two cows have got that personality,
basically like, "Leave me alone, Kaleb."
927
00:44:31,400 --> 00:44:32,639
And you go, "You know, I respect that."
928
00:44:32,640 --> 00:44:34,399
'Course, I'm talking personalities.
929
00:44:34,400 --> 00:44:35,959
There's that one cow
930
00:44:35,960 --> 00:44:37,159
that basically looks at you and goes,
931
00:44:37,160 --> 00:44:39,319
"You know, I really love you. Scratch me."
932
00:44:39,320 --> 00:44:42,239
So you spend 20 minutes
scratching their belly, their heads,
933
00:44:42,240 --> 00:44:44,039
doing their hair. Well, I do anyway.
934
00:44:44,040 --> 00:44:45,119
And so on.
935
00:44:45,120 --> 00:44:47,199
The next day, you jump into that pen,
936
00:44:47,200 --> 00:44:49,760
and there's that one cow that'll look you
in the eye and go like this.
937
00:44:50,360 --> 00:44:52,200
"I fucking hate you!"
938
00:44:52,720 --> 00:44:54,719
And you go, "You know what?
I respect that.
939
00:44:54,720 --> 00:44:55,839
"'Cause I hate you just as much.
940
00:44:55,840 --> 00:44:57,439
Therefore, we'll spend
the rest of the year
941
00:44:57,440 --> 00:44:59,239
going around in a circle like this,
942
00:44:59,240 --> 00:45:01,959
until I eat you, and you'll taste amazing.
943
00:45:03,600 --> 00:45:06,519
Another good thing with animals
is the communication skills.
944
00:45:06,520 --> 00:45:08,639
As well as farmers, speaking of that.
945
00:45:08,640 --> 00:45:10,439
They have weird ways to communicate,
such as this...
946
00:45:10,440 --> 00:45:12,560
Has everyone heard the phrase,
"Ah, it'll be all right"?
947
00:45:14,080 --> 00:45:16,440
You heard that before?
Anyone know what it means?
948
00:45:17,440 --> 00:45:19,280
Let me talk in detail what it means.
949
00:45:19,400 --> 00:45:22,159
It means this. As I get in
from the pub three hours later,
950
00:45:22,160 --> 00:45:25,799
I say to my other half, "Are you okay?"
She goes, "I'm fine."
951
00:45:25,800 --> 00:45:27,200
We've all heard that, yeah?
952
00:45:27,800 --> 00:45:30,279
I know, no. That means she's not okay.
953
00:45:31,640 --> 00:45:34,079
So, when a farmer
says, "Ah, it'll be all right..."
954
00:45:34,080 --> 00:45:37,039
Yes, the cows may be out,
jumping through the local cemetery,
955
00:45:37,040 --> 00:45:38,119
but you know what?
956
00:45:38,120 --> 00:45:40,800
It'll be all right. That has happened.
It was incredibly embarrassing.
957
00:45:41,280 --> 00:45:43,560
But you know what? It'll be all right.
Be fine.
958
00:45:43,960 --> 00:45:45,080
When I was a young kid,
959
00:45:45,200 --> 00:45:46,279
the farmer used to say to me, "Kaleb,
960
00:45:46,280 --> 00:45:48,039
"you're in charge of this farm
while I go on holiday."
961
00:45:48,040 --> 00:45:51,519
I go, "Wait. I'm in charge of this farm
while you go on a holiday."
962
00:45:51,520 --> 00:45:53,079
They go, "Yes." I go, "Really?"
963
00:45:53,080 --> 00:45:55,799
"Yes. Don't make it weird."
I go, "Okay, sorry."
964
00:45:55,800 --> 00:45:58,359
But they never used to give me
a list of jobs to do
965
00:45:58,360 --> 00:46:00,040
because paper costs money.
966
00:46:00,800 --> 00:46:04,719
In fact, they used to give me sketches
on the wall such as this one here.
967
00:46:04,720 --> 00:46:06,160
Do you know what that means?
968
00:46:07,080 --> 00:46:09,239
It's easy. Jump in the tractor
in the morning,
969
00:46:09,240 --> 00:46:11,199
go and cultivate Berry Hill North.
970
00:46:11,200 --> 00:46:12,759
That's the shape of that field.
971
00:46:12,760 --> 00:46:13,919
You got that?
972
00:46:13,920 --> 00:46:15,280
What about this one here?
973
00:46:16,920 --> 00:46:19,120
Now, my hair
wasn't that bad, everybody, okay?
974
00:46:20,640 --> 00:46:22,599
In fact, this one means, go into the bar
and let the cows out,
975
00:46:22,600 --> 00:46:24,559
then move the sheep into another field.
976
00:46:24,560 --> 00:46:26,639
Yes, they'll die. Just do it anyway.
977
00:46:26,640 --> 00:46:28,600
This is the important one.
Does everyone know what this means?
978
00:46:33,200 --> 00:46:36,959
At the start of the year,
the farmer will put this much money in.
979
00:46:36,960 --> 00:46:39,559
Then, throughout the year,
put a bit more money in.
980
00:46:39,560 --> 00:46:41,280
And, then, a bit more money in.
981
00:46:41,640 --> 00:46:44,079
And at the end of the year,
put a bit more money in.
982
00:46:44,080 --> 00:46:46,440
As they sell their produce,
they end up with...
983
00:46:47,640 --> 00:46:48,760
that much back.
984
00:46:50,080 --> 00:46:53,519
And that is why every farmer
is a hero to me.
985
00:46:53,520 --> 00:46:56,719
I can name 15 different farmers
that are out there right now
986
00:46:56,720 --> 00:46:59,959
planting trees,
planting hedges, building dams.
987
00:46:59,960 --> 00:47:02,879
Why are they spending their own money
to do these things?
988
00:47:02,880 --> 00:47:05,559
It's because they love the environment
and the wildlife
989
00:47:05,560 --> 00:47:07,759
just as much as everybody else does.
990
00:47:07,760 --> 00:47:10,079
Yet, they always get blamed
for harming them two things.
991
00:47:10,080 --> 00:47:12,039
It really annoys me.
992
00:47:12,040 --> 00:47:15,240
Thank you.
993
00:47:20,840 --> 00:47:22,199
Now, talking of heroes,
994
00:47:22,200 --> 00:47:24,519
I've got some
I wanted to highlight tonight.
995
00:47:24,520 --> 00:47:26,479
This gets harder every time I say this,
996
00:47:26,480 --> 00:47:29,199
'cause these are meaningful to my heart.
997
00:47:29,200 --> 00:47:32,279
And the one here I wanna start off with
is my gramp.
998
00:47:32,280 --> 00:47:33,839
Unfortunately, my gramp died
999
00:47:33,840 --> 00:47:36,679
just before series one of Clarkson's Farm
could come out.
1000
00:47:36,680 --> 00:47:37,959
Therefore, he didn't get a chance
to see this.
1001
00:47:37,960 --> 00:47:40,919
But I hope that I make him very proud
of everything I'm doing
1002
00:47:40,920 --> 00:47:42,400
and everything I've achieved.
1003
00:47:42,720 --> 00:47:44,479
Now, as a young kid, I used to walk
into the house and go,
1004
00:47:44,480 --> 00:47:46,679
"Grampy, you'll never guess what!"
He goes, "What's that, my boy?"
1005
00:47:46,680 --> 00:47:49,039
I said, "I've got 100 chickens now."
1006
00:47:49,040 --> 00:47:50,599
And he'll go "Well done, mate!"
1007
00:47:50,600 --> 00:47:52,799
So, the next day,
he'll go to Chipping Norton
1008
00:47:52,800 --> 00:47:55,759
and speak to all his friends and go,
"You know, my little grandson, Kaleb.
1009
00:47:55,760 --> 00:47:57,759
"He's 13. He's got 100 chickens.
1010
00:47:57,760 --> 00:47:59,039
"He's doing really well."
1011
00:47:59,040 --> 00:48:00,479
So, the day after that,
1012
00:48:00,480 --> 00:48:02,199
as I walk down
to meet my nan for a coffee,
1013
00:48:02,200 --> 00:48:04,199
or go and put some electric
on the key for my mum,
1014
00:48:04,200 --> 00:48:06,919
I got stopped by absolutely everyone.
1015
00:48:06,920 --> 00:48:07,999
And they said to me,
1016
00:48:08,000 --> 00:48:11,679
"I hear you've got 100 chickens, Kaleb.
Well done, you! Well done!"
1017
00:48:11,680 --> 00:48:13,519
Therefore, it wasn't just a "well done"
from my gramp,
1018
00:48:13,520 --> 00:48:16,879
it was a "well done"
from my whole community.
1019
00:48:16,880 --> 00:48:20,119
Now, another hero to me
is actually, again, not a famous hero.
1020
00:48:20,120 --> 00:48:22,839
He's indeed a local farmer,
and I mentioned him earlier.
1021
00:48:22,840 --> 00:48:24,999
A person called Howard Pauling.
1022
00:48:25,000 --> 00:48:26,879
I wanted to highlight this man here
as a hero,
1023
00:48:26,880 --> 00:48:30,239
because he taught me
everything I know about drilling wheat,
1024
00:48:30,240 --> 00:48:33,639
barley, oilseed rape,
cultivating and spraying.
1025
00:48:33,640 --> 00:48:35,959
But more importantly,
he taught me the meaning
1026
00:48:35,960 --> 00:48:38,279
of that famous quote that I love to say,
1027
00:48:38,280 --> 00:48:39,759
and that quote being,
1028
00:48:39,760 --> 00:48:41,919
"Dreams don't work unless you do."
1029
00:48:41,920 --> 00:48:43,799
For example, it will be eight o'clock
at night and he'll go,
1030
00:48:43,800 --> 00:48:45,439
"Kaleb, it's eight o'clock.
are you going home
1031
00:48:45,440 --> 00:48:47,319
"or will you finish the cultivating?"
1032
00:48:47,320 --> 00:48:48,719
I go, "You know what?
1033
00:48:48,720 --> 00:48:50,999
"I'm gonna go and finish
that cultivating off."
1034
00:48:51,000 --> 00:48:53,319
Because I knew every hour
that I was working,
1035
00:48:53,320 --> 00:48:56,799
I was earning money and, therefore,
I could build towards my dream.
1036
00:48:56,800 --> 00:49:00,959
And that dream, to this very day, is,
in fact, I want to buy my own farm.
1037
00:49:00,960 --> 00:49:03,999
The day that I go out there
with my two kids and my wife-to-be,
1038
00:49:04,000 --> 00:49:06,719
and I walk over and go,
"You know, that field there,
1039
00:49:06,720 --> 00:49:09,679
"I want to plant wheat in it
because it's my farm now."
1040
00:49:09,680 --> 00:49:11,880
That'll be my dream complete.
1041
00:49:17,800 --> 00:49:19,679
Now another hero to me...
1042
00:49:19,680 --> 00:49:21,639
It's actually two heroes here tonight,
1043
00:49:21,640 --> 00:49:24,280
and are, indeed, my mum and my dad.
1044
00:49:32,200 --> 00:49:34,839
Mum, just know that I love you dearly
when I say this,
1045
00:49:34,840 --> 00:49:35,999
and it's really funny.
1046
00:49:36,000 --> 00:49:38,679
Okay. Nan, thanks so much
for the picture. Blame Nan.
1047
00:49:38,680 --> 00:49:40,439
Blame Nan.
1048
00:49:40,440 --> 00:49:41,919
The reason she's looking at me funny
1049
00:49:41,920 --> 00:49:44,839
is that my mum has got
a rabbit between her legs.
1050
00:49:49,360 --> 00:49:52,799
Now, I firmly believe without my mum
buying me them free chickens,
1051
00:49:52,800 --> 00:49:54,879
I wouldn't be the person I am today.
1052
00:49:54,880 --> 00:49:57,279
And, of course, I have to thank Mum,
1053
00:49:57,280 --> 00:49:59,679
because every time I came in and went,
"Mum, I've got 400 chickens now.
1054
00:49:59,680 --> 00:50:01,919
"Can we pick another 50 chickens
up tomorrow?"
1055
00:50:01,920 --> 00:50:05,040
You never used to say to me,
"No more chickens, Kaleb. Come on."
1056
00:50:05,600 --> 00:50:08,759
She went, "Yeah, what time we going?"
Because Mum believed in me,
1057
00:50:08,760 --> 00:50:11,760
that I was gonna make a business of it.
And of course I did! Made lots of money.
1058
00:50:12,360 --> 00:50:13,720
Thank you so much again.
1059
00:50:14,360 --> 00:50:16,440
My dad's gonna kill me again.
He hates his picture.
1060
00:50:17,520 --> 00:50:18,879
He taught me a couple of things as well.
1061
00:50:18,880 --> 00:50:21,519
One being, never have that hairstyle.
1062
00:50:23,640 --> 00:50:27,519
I'm never having that hairstyle, Dad,
don't you worry. We're safe.
1063
00:50:27,520 --> 00:50:29,519
I have to thank him as well,
'cause every time I need some advice,
1064
00:50:29,520 --> 00:50:32,159
or I need him,
he's always there on the phone,
1065
00:50:32,160 --> 00:50:34,719
or helping me do weird stuff,
like building staircases on the weekend,
1066
00:50:34,720 --> 00:50:37,239
or helping me put a sink in
to feed my calves
1067
00:50:37,240 --> 00:50:40,199
to make it easier for me and my team.
So thank you.
1068
00:50:40,200 --> 00:50:42,880
Now, I think that's all the heroes.
1069
00:50:47,120 --> 00:50:48,680
There's one more, isn't there?
1070
00:50:49,560 --> 00:50:52,919
'Course, the last hero
being Jeremy Clarkson.
1071
00:50:52,920 --> 00:50:55,039
He's gotta be up there, hasn't he, eh?
1072
00:50:55,040 --> 00:50:56,999
Now, the man does my head in.
1073
00:50:57,000 --> 00:50:58,799
What?
1074
00:50:58,800 --> 00:51:00,999
- What do you mean?
- What have you been doing?
1075
00:51:01,000 --> 00:51:03,599
- Going up and down.
- Up and down like this?
1076
00:51:03,600 --> 00:51:06,599
No, I went up
and then went across like that.
1077
00:51:06,600 --> 00:51:07,919
What'd I say at the start?
1078
00:51:07,920 --> 00:51:10,520
You said, "Don't do that."
But I couldn't see why.
1079
00:51:11,920 --> 00:51:14,479
Well, that sign of me going up there
is not happening.
1080
00:51:14,480 --> 00:51:17,279
We're gonna have a sign saying,
"Guess who drilled this?
1081
00:51:17,280 --> 00:51:19,159
"Jeremy. Kaleb."
1082
00:51:19,160 --> 00:51:20,880
Well, what's the matter with that?
1083
00:51:21,040 --> 00:51:23,679
I said every eighth time,
you're putting a tram line in.
1084
00:51:23,680 --> 00:51:25,679
The tram lines are gonna be everywhere.
1085
00:51:25,680 --> 00:51:30,319
Down here, you're gonna have tram line,
tram line, tram line, every three metres.
1086
00:51:30,320 --> 00:51:32,999
On this bit here,
you're gonna have no tram lines.
1087
00:51:33,000 --> 00:51:35,399
When I come to spray it and fertilise it,
1088
00:51:35,400 --> 00:51:37,280
how do I know where to drive?
1089
00:51:38,240 --> 00:51:39,359
Guess.
1090
00:51:39,360 --> 00:51:42,079
I don't know what I'm doing in there.
1091
00:51:42,080 --> 00:51:44,159
I'll do it properly now,
or is it too late?
1092
00:51:44,160 --> 00:51:46,360
It's too late. You're pretty much screwed.
1093
00:51:47,520 --> 00:51:49,559
And you haven't even drilled it straight!
1094
00:51:49,560 --> 00:51:51,840
What do you mean
I haven't drilled it straight.
1095
00:51:53,680 --> 00:51:55,999
That's as straight as a roundabout!
1096
00:51:57,400 --> 00:52:00,719
See? The man does my head in.
But I have to thank him
1097
00:52:00,720 --> 00:52:04,919
because he brought me into an industry
I never thought I'd be working in.
1098
00:52:04,920 --> 00:52:07,080
And, of course, that is the TV industry.
1099
00:52:07,840 --> 00:52:10,519
Now, I'm a firm believer
of life being a journey.
1100
00:52:10,520 --> 00:52:12,599
And on that journey, you hit an obstacle.
1101
00:52:12,600 --> 00:52:13,759
For example, age 21,
1102
00:52:13,760 --> 00:52:15,719
I hit the obstacle of being... TV.
1103
00:52:15,720 --> 00:52:17,319
I could have went around it.
1104
00:52:17,320 --> 00:52:19,519
But from a bit of support
from this man here,
1105
00:52:19,520 --> 00:52:21,519
I decided to go straight through it.
1106
00:52:21,520 --> 00:52:23,519
Now, of course, it leads me to here.
1107
00:52:23,520 --> 00:52:25,239
Now, this is my own show.
1108
00:52:25,240 --> 00:52:27,639
So, any picture on this screen,
1109
00:52:27,640 --> 00:52:29,000
I've chosen to put up.
1110
00:52:30,280 --> 00:52:32,599
So I thought, I wanna put a picture
of Jeremy up.
1111
00:52:32,600 --> 00:52:35,239
Therefore, I went through my phone,
1112
00:52:35,240 --> 00:52:39,359
and I found the worst picture
to put on the screen.
1113
00:52:45,920 --> 00:52:47,040
Oh...
1114
00:52:52,080 --> 00:52:56,679
Now, I have to thank him again, because,
hopefully I've taught him some farming,
1115
00:52:56,680 --> 00:52:58,759
to the point where he can go,
"I can do that job on my own now."
1116
00:52:58,760 --> 00:53:00,079
Like the pigs.
1117
00:53:00,080 --> 00:53:03,119
More importantly, he's taught me
so much about the TV industry.
1118
00:53:03,120 --> 00:53:05,359
You think, "Oh, it can't be that hard,
filming a TV show."
1119
00:53:05,360 --> 00:53:06,759
For example, you turn up,
1120
00:53:06,760 --> 00:53:07,919
two cameras turn up,
1121
00:53:07,920 --> 00:53:10,679
they film you, and so on.
There's so much to think about.
1122
00:53:10,680 --> 00:53:13,919
For example, your position,
where everyone at home can see you,
1123
00:53:13,920 --> 00:53:16,079
but more importantly,
the person trying to teach farm
1124
00:53:16,080 --> 00:53:17,719
can see you in a safe way, too.
1125
00:53:17,720 --> 00:53:19,959
And never turn your back to the audience.
1126
00:53:19,960 --> 00:53:22,119
Oh, my God, that's scary.
1127
00:53:22,120 --> 00:53:23,719
Because I just looked
at the rear end here.
1128
00:53:23,720 --> 00:53:25,759
No one wants to see that! No?
1129
00:53:25,760 --> 00:53:27,559
And as a friendship,
we have a really good friendship.
1130
00:53:27,560 --> 00:53:29,159
I count him as a best mate.
1131
00:53:29,160 --> 00:53:30,399
I'd go as far as to say,
1132
00:53:30,400 --> 00:53:31,840
actually, I love the bloke.
1133
00:53:34,280 --> 00:53:35,759
Rural halfwit.
1134
00:53:42,720 --> 00:53:46,279
He's a good chap. I think we can all
thank him for one more thing, that is.
1135
00:53:46,280 --> 00:53:49,759
He has put farming
back on the map again, right?
1136
00:54:00,040 --> 00:54:02,519
Another thing that I wanted to highlight
is, of course, mental health and farming,
1137
00:54:02,520 --> 00:54:04,159
which I touched on earlier.
1138
00:54:04,160 --> 00:54:06,119
But I wanna bring you a stat right now.
1139
00:54:06,120 --> 00:54:08,679
And that is, in the year of 2021,
1140
00:54:08,680 --> 00:54:11,759
36 farmers took their own life.
1141
00:54:11,760 --> 00:54:12,920
36.
1142
00:54:13,040 --> 00:54:15,359
Now, why is that? I think it can be
for many different reasons.
1143
00:54:15,360 --> 00:54:17,319
For example, cash flow being like this.
1144
00:54:17,320 --> 00:54:19,999
Not knowing if they can feed their family
and pay rent.
1145
00:54:20,000 --> 00:54:22,920
As well as the weather,
because we can't change the weather.
1146
00:54:23,080 --> 00:54:25,319
But what's the weather changing?
The cash flow.
1147
00:54:25,320 --> 00:54:27,519
Now, I firmly believe when I say this,
1148
00:54:27,520 --> 00:54:31,199
I firmly believe that everybody should go
to their local agricultural show.
1149
00:54:31,200 --> 00:54:33,319
Does everyone go
to our local ag show here?
1150
00:54:35,000 --> 00:54:38,279
The reason I say you should go
is 'cause it does an important thing,
1151
00:54:38,280 --> 00:54:41,799
and that is, it gets the farmer
off the farm for that one important day.
1152
00:54:41,800 --> 00:54:45,239
Therefore, every time I go there,
I see that farmer smiling,
1153
00:54:45,240 --> 00:54:47,759
talking to friends, neighbours, family,
1154
00:54:47,760 --> 00:54:51,559
watching their kids show their sheep
or race their ponies around the arena.
1155
00:54:51,560 --> 00:54:53,119
And it's a really good day out.
1156
00:54:53,120 --> 00:54:54,839
Getting in their old tractors,
1157
00:54:54,840 --> 00:54:56,959
and never smiling because it's so cold.
1158
00:54:56,960 --> 00:54:59,039
You know what? I'd be smiling
if I was in that Valtra and that Fendt,
1159
00:54:59,040 --> 00:55:00,519
because it's got heating.
1160
00:55:02,240 --> 00:55:04,279
Now, I wanna do something special tonight,
1161
00:55:04,280 --> 00:55:07,879
and that is, I wanna hold my very own
agricultural show,
1162
00:55:07,880 --> 00:55:10,319
right here, right now.
1163
00:55:10,320 --> 00:55:12,640
We're gonna call it the Grand Turnip.
1164
00:55:14,480 --> 00:55:16,640
Now this is, indeed, a tractor race.
1165
00:55:17,360 --> 00:55:19,959
And I believe we've got
some special guests in tonight
1166
00:55:19,960 --> 00:55:21,999
to take part in this race.
1167
00:55:22,000 --> 00:55:23,919
I wanna say first,
thank you, JB, for coming tonight
1168
00:55:23,920 --> 00:55:26,359
'cause my other half is obsessed with you,
so I do apologise.
1169
00:55:26,360 --> 00:55:28,679
If you'd like to come up.
JB Gill, everybody!
1170
00:55:30,080 --> 00:55:32,079
Dilwyn, the vet off the show.
1171
00:55:32,080 --> 00:55:33,999
Dilwyn, come on up!
1172
00:55:34,000 --> 00:55:37,119
And Lizzie, who is the goat expert
for series three.
1173
00:55:37,120 --> 00:55:39,439
There we go. Come on up.
Come on over here.
1174
00:55:39,440 --> 00:55:41,999
Join me up here. How you doing?
1175
00:55:42,000 --> 00:55:43,239
Dilwyn!
1176
00:55:43,240 --> 00:55:46,359
Thank you. How are you?
1177
00:55:46,360 --> 00:55:47,959
Right.
1178
00:55:47,960 --> 00:55:49,639
How's about you? I hear
you're farming these days?
1179
00:55:49,640 --> 00:55:51,959
- Yes!
- What are you farming? Alpacas?
1180
00:55:51,960 --> 00:55:54,119
- No. Alpacas?
- I don't know!
1181
00:55:54,120 --> 00:55:55,680
Pigs, turkeys.
1182
00:55:55,800 --> 00:55:57,319
Turkeys? What breed of turkeys
you got?
1183
00:55:57,320 --> 00:55:59,879
KellyBronze. Only the best.
Best for the best.
1184
00:55:59,880 --> 00:56:01,639
- He knows his shit.
- Yeah.
1185
00:56:03,200 --> 00:56:05,600
Do you think you're gonna win this race?
This is, indeed, a tractor race.
1186
00:56:06,120 --> 00:56:09,679
- It depends on the tractor I get.
- Have you got a favourite tractor?
1187
00:56:09,680 --> 00:56:11,279
- I do.
- What's your favourite tractor?
1188
00:56:11,280 --> 00:56:13,479
- John Deere.
- Okay.
1189
00:56:13,480 --> 00:56:14,879
In fact, you are the John Deere driver.
1190
00:56:14,880 --> 00:56:17,319
So, if you'll go and stand behind
the John Deere for me, please.
1191
00:56:17,320 --> 00:56:18,719
Now, we'll go on to Dilwyn.
1192
00:56:18,720 --> 00:56:21,879
{\an8}- So, hello, Dilwyn. Back again, eh?
- Absolutely.
1193
00:56:21,880 --> 00:56:25,239
{\an8}I see Dilwyn more times
than I've actually probably seen my kids.
1194
00:56:25,240 --> 00:56:27,439
- Probably have.
- I can't help but imagine
1195
00:56:27,440 --> 00:56:29,839
the vet bills that you're sending in.
1196
00:56:29,840 --> 00:56:31,719
Just think of a number and double it.
1197
00:56:33,320 --> 00:56:35,679
Of course, Dilwyn is a vet
on the show, everybody.
1198
00:56:35,680 --> 00:56:37,199
Now, do you think
you're gonna win this race?
1199
00:56:37,200 --> 00:56:39,919
- I'm sure I will.
- Have you got a favourite tractor?
1200
00:56:39,920 --> 00:56:41,999
I was brought up with a Massey Ferguson.
1201
00:56:42,000 --> 00:56:44,239
Okay, you'll have to have the red one.
That's a Case, 'cause it's red.
1202
00:56:44,240 --> 00:56:46,199
- Is that all right?
- That'll do.
1203
00:56:46,200 --> 00:56:48,239
Can you go and stand behind
the Case tractor for me, please.
1204
00:56:48,240 --> 00:56:49,599
- Hello, Lizzie.
- Hello.
1205
00:56:49,600 --> 00:56:51,999
{\an8}I think you need to slaughter
them goats, sorry.
1206
00:56:52,000 --> 00:56:54,879
{\an8}- No comment.
- Jeremy's got some goats on series three.
1207
00:56:54,880 --> 00:56:56,959
- I think he's in love with 'em.
- Very much.
1208
00:56:56,960 --> 00:56:58,719
- Isn't he? He's quite weird.
- Mmm.
1209
00:56:58,720 --> 00:56:59,800
Really weird.
1210
00:56:59,920 --> 00:57:02,639
I said to him, as a business plan,
he's got 29 boy goats.
1211
00:57:02,640 --> 00:57:04,280
Therefore, they're not making
any money and he's going,
1212
00:57:04,400 --> 00:57:06,319
"Kaleb, I reckon I could rent them out."
1213
00:57:07,800 --> 00:57:09,879
Am I correct? That's what he says,
isn't it?
1214
00:57:09,880 --> 00:57:11,479
- It is.
- "What do you mean rent them out?
1215
00:57:11,480 --> 00:57:13,079
"You can't! That's illegal!"
1216
00:57:13,080 --> 00:57:15,399
He goes, "No!
I'm gonna rent them out to farmers
1217
00:57:15,400 --> 00:57:17,199
and then, graze the bits
they can't get attracted to.
1218
00:57:17,200 --> 00:57:19,559
And I'm going, "Yeah, okay." So he went
and did a deal with someone, didn't he?
1219
00:57:19,560 --> 00:57:20,759
And the person said,
"Well, hang on a minute.
1220
00:57:20,760 --> 00:57:22,959
"You should be paying me
'cause I'm feeding your goats."
1221
00:57:22,960 --> 00:57:24,839
- I know. It didn't go down well.
- It didn't go down well, did it?
1222
00:57:24,840 --> 00:57:26,679
- He's an idiot.
- He doesn't listen.
1223
00:57:26,680 --> 00:57:28,839
Are you happy
with the New Holland tractor?
1224
00:57:28,840 --> 00:57:31,079
- I don't really have much choice, do I?
- Do you have a favourite one?
1225
00:57:31,080 --> 00:57:32,879
I'm so confident, I'll go with any.
1226
00:57:32,880 --> 00:57:33,959
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
1227
00:57:35,720 --> 00:57:38,399
A big round of applause
for that. That's wicked, right?
1228
00:57:40,240 --> 00:57:41,279
Right.
1229
00:57:41,280 --> 00:57:44,279
If you'd like to pick up
your steering wheels for me, please.
1230
00:57:44,280 --> 00:57:47,839
Right. On the countdown from three,
the race will start.
1231
00:57:47,840 --> 00:57:51,079
You have to go around
the roundabout twice.
1232
00:57:51,080 --> 00:57:53,719
You then have to go across the bridge
1233
00:57:53,720 --> 00:57:56,959
and, then, reverse park
into the tractor shed.
1234
00:57:58,240 --> 00:58:00,520
I didn't say
this was gonna be easy, everybody.
1235
00:58:01,000 --> 00:58:03,959
Now, on this course,
you may see a few obstacles.
1236
00:58:03,960 --> 00:58:06,159
One being cows.
1237
00:58:06,160 --> 00:58:07,599
We love cows, don't we?
1238
00:58:08,800 --> 00:58:09,919
Don't hit the cows.
1239
00:58:09,920 --> 00:58:14,280
You can also see a few sheep
on this course.
1240
00:58:15,000 --> 00:58:16,279
Now, while I was on tour, I kept saying,
1241
00:58:16,280 --> 00:58:19,439
"If you hit a sheep, you know what,
I'm gonna give you a tenner."
1242
00:58:19,440 --> 00:58:21,079
Now, this young guy,
1243
00:58:21,080 --> 00:58:22,199
he was 13 years old.
1244
00:58:22,200 --> 00:58:23,839
He took part in this race.
1245
00:58:23,840 --> 00:58:25,199
From the race starting,
1246
00:58:25,200 --> 00:58:26,479
he didn't go for the win.
1247
00:58:26,480 --> 00:58:30,079
He hit every single sheep on the course.
1248
00:58:30,080 --> 00:58:32,640
So, it cost me 50 quid,
'cause we had more than two.
1249
00:58:33,480 --> 00:58:34,999
So, we've only got two left.
1250
00:58:35,000 --> 00:58:36,599
But if you hit a sheep here tonight,
you know what?
1251
00:58:36,600 --> 00:58:38,160
I'm gonna be nice. You get 10 points.
1252
00:58:38,720 --> 00:58:40,599
- Are you all ready?
- Yes!
1253
00:58:40,600 --> 00:58:41,839
Are you ready for this?
1254
00:58:41,840 --> 00:58:43,199
Ready?
1255
00:58:43,200 --> 00:58:46,679
Three, two, one, go!
1256
00:58:46,680 --> 00:58:49,279
This is off to a flying start.
1257
00:58:49,280 --> 00:58:51,519
A bit of a crash.
We haven't got insurance.
1258
00:58:56,120 --> 00:58:57,679
Good catch, sir.
1259
00:58:57,680 --> 00:59:00,080
- What's going on, Lizzie?
- I know. I can't.
1260
00:59:00,840 --> 00:59:02,079
No, no, no!
1261
00:59:05,400 --> 00:59:07,800
Right. Forward.
You know what, actually... No!
1262
00:59:08,360 --> 00:59:09,359
No!
1263
00:59:09,360 --> 00:59:10,799
You're going over here.
1264
00:59:10,800 --> 00:59:12,759
Right. Around the roundabout.
1265
00:59:12,760 --> 00:59:15,079
This actually quite hard,
believe it or not.
1266
00:59:15,080 --> 00:59:17,639
Look at the concentration
on their faces, everybody.
1267
00:59:19,560 --> 00:59:20,720
There they go.
1268
00:59:21,840 --> 00:59:22,959
Lizzie, you hit the cow
1269
00:59:22,960 --> 00:59:24,960
- that's in the middle of the roundabout!
- I know! I'm sorry!
1270
00:59:25,640 --> 00:59:26,639
Forward.
1271
00:59:26,640 --> 00:59:27,720
Forward. There we go.
1272
00:59:28,960 --> 00:59:30,919
There we go. Oh, around back!
1273
00:59:34,280 --> 00:59:36,199
- Lizzie, have you been drinking?
- I have.
1274
00:59:36,200 --> 00:59:37,400
You have?
1275
00:59:37,960 --> 00:59:39,960
Don't drink and drive, ever.
1276
00:59:40,560 --> 00:59:42,480
Wait.
1277
00:59:44,360 --> 00:59:47,039
Dilwyn's in the lead.
You gotta reverse into the shed.
1278
00:59:47,040 --> 00:59:49,479
Come on, JB!
You gotta get over that bridge.
1279
00:59:49,480 --> 00:59:51,680
- Come on, Lizzie! Come on!
- I can't!
1280
00:59:53,280 --> 00:59:56,039
Oh, JB's done it!
1281
00:59:56,040 --> 00:59:58,120
Absolutely obliterated the sheep.
1282
00:59:58,840 --> 01:00:00,240
I like it. Well done.
1283
01:00:01,320 --> 01:00:02,639
Lizzie, are you okay?
1284
01:00:02,640 --> 01:00:03,920
I'm close.
1285
01:00:14,320 --> 01:00:17,279
Oh, this is awesome!
Oh, he's done it!
1286
01:00:17,280 --> 01:00:18,999
You don't like JLS?
1287
01:00:19,000 --> 01:00:21,480
What's going on?
It's really good, honestly.
1288
01:00:22,920 --> 01:00:24,159
Now, go get back.
1289
01:00:26,160 --> 01:00:28,320
No.
1290
01:00:42,960 --> 01:00:44,199
Wow!
1291
01:00:44,200 --> 01:00:46,919
Come and stand over here for me. Good.
1292
01:00:46,920 --> 01:00:49,879
We've got a few certificates
'cause it's serious shit here.
1293
01:00:49,880 --> 01:00:52,719
All right? We're gonna
start down in third place.
1294
01:00:52,720 --> 01:00:53,879
- Dilwyn.
- Here we go.
1295
01:00:53,880 --> 01:00:55,599
How did you find the race, mate?
1296
01:00:55,600 --> 01:00:57,999
I was doing okay until it came
to the reversing, wasn't it?
1297
01:00:58,000 --> 01:00:59,439
You were.
1298
01:00:59,440 --> 01:01:02,079
That was the most intense race
I've seen in my life.
1299
01:01:02,080 --> 01:01:04,239
I was so into it!
And then, all of a sudden
1300
01:01:04,240 --> 01:01:06,439
{\an8}JB's about to win
and you go and T-boned him!
1301
01:01:06,440 --> 01:01:08,639
{\an8}What's going on?
1302
01:01:08,640 --> 01:01:10,639
{\an8}- Here is your certificate. Fair play.
- Thank you very much.
1303
01:01:10,640 --> 01:01:13,080
A big round of applause, everybody!
1304
01:01:13,560 --> 01:01:15,680
Move that way for me. There you go.
1305
01:01:17,480 --> 01:01:20,239
A bit of a rough start.
How many have you drunk tonight?
1306
01:01:20,240 --> 01:01:22,400
- Only two.
- Only two?
1307
01:01:23,160 --> 01:01:25,120
Please note, don't drink and drive, ever.
1308
01:01:26,360 --> 01:01:27,559
{\an8}You drove off the stage twice.
1309
01:01:27,560 --> 01:01:30,199
{\an8}-No, three times.
- I was practicing reversing.
1310
01:01:30,200 --> 01:01:32,279
{\an8}Thanks so much for catching it every time.
1311
01:01:32,280 --> 01:01:34,479
'Cause they're about 300 quid,
them things...
1312
01:01:34,480 --> 01:01:36,760
off Amazon.
1313
01:01:44,360 --> 01:01:47,799
Anyway, you come second
and a big "Well done" to you.
1314
01:01:47,800 --> 01:01:50,399
- Thank you.
- Big round of applause, everyone!
1315
01:01:55,480 --> 01:01:57,679
Now you've absolutely smashed it.
1316
01:01:57,680 --> 01:01:59,759
Sorry, Taya. Look, mate.
1317
01:01:59,760 --> 01:02:02,039
I'm gonna say mate. We are best mates.
1318
01:02:02,040 --> 01:02:03,960
Best mates.
1319
01:02:04,840 --> 01:02:06,759
Anyway, in first place, we have JB.
1320
01:02:06,760 --> 01:02:08,359
- Yay!
- Thank you so much!
1321
01:02:12,800 --> 01:02:14,000
Thank you so much!
1322
01:02:20,920 --> 01:02:23,039
Now, after that, I would say,
should we have
1323
01:02:23,040 --> 01:02:24,839
a bit of a young farmer's party?
1324
01:02:24,840 --> 01:02:27,119
Yeah?
1325
01:02:27,120 --> 01:02:29,320
For example,
anyone keen for a potato fight?
1326
01:02:29,440 --> 01:02:31,279
Yeah?
1327
01:02:31,280 --> 01:02:33,559
Now, unfortunately,
when I hired this venue,
1328
01:02:33,560 --> 01:02:35,399
at the bottom of the contract,
in bold writing, it said,
1329
01:02:35,400 --> 01:02:37,959
"No potato fights allowed."
And come to think of it,
1330
01:02:37,960 --> 01:02:40,559
I guarantee if we started a potato fight,
I would hit
1331
01:02:40,560 --> 01:02:42,799
that chandelier and have to pay for it.
1332
01:02:42,800 --> 01:02:44,319
Therefore, we won't do that.
1333
01:02:44,320 --> 01:02:48,399
But has everyone heard of that famous band
called The Wurzels?
1334
01:02:48,400 --> 01:02:49,999
Yeah?
1335
01:02:50,000 --> 01:02:51,639
Does everyone know that famous song
they did
1336
01:02:51,640 --> 01:02:53,920
called I've Got a Brand New
Combine Harvester?
1337
01:02:55,240 --> 01:02:58,519
Is anyone keen for a singalong with me...
1338
01:02:58,520 --> 01:03:00,839
and you? Yeah?
1339
01:03:00,840 --> 01:03:02,719
What about... What about...
1340
01:03:02,720 --> 01:03:06,039
Why don't we have a singalong
with me, you,
1341
01:03:06,040 --> 01:03:07,519
and The Wurzels?
1342
01:03:19,440 --> 01:03:21,600
- Hello, hello!
- Thank you!
1343
01:03:25,920 --> 01:03:26,920
Thank you.
1344
01:03:27,360 --> 01:03:29,719
Are we all ready?
1345
01:03:29,720 --> 01:03:32,160
Cue the music!
1346
01:03:36,080 --> 01:03:39,720
♪ I drove my tractor
Through your haystack last night ♪
1347
01:03:41,040 --> 01:03:45,239
♪ I threw me pitchfork at your dog
To keep quiet ♪
1348
01:03:45,240 --> 01:03:49,720
♪ Now somethin's tellin' me
That you'm avoidin' me ♪
1349
01:03:51,000 --> 01:03:54,440
♪ Come on now, darling
You've got something I need ♪
1350
01:03:55,080 --> 01:03:57,679
♪ Cuz I got a brand new
Combine harvester ♪
1351
01:03:57,680 --> 01:03:59,160
♪ An' I'll give you the key ♪
1352
01:04:00,320 --> 01:04:03,880
♪ Come on now let's get together
In perfect harmony ♪
1353
01:04:05,000 --> 01:04:09,159
♪ I got 20 acres
An' you got 43 ♪
1354
01:04:09,160 --> 01:04:12,359
♪ Now I got a brand new
Combine harvester ♪
1355
01:04:12,360 --> 01:04:14,280
♪ An' I'll give you the key ♪
1356
01:04:15,040 --> 01:04:16,560
♪ She made I laugh ♪
1357
01:04:17,640 --> 01:04:21,280
♪ I'll stick by you
I'll give you all that you need ♪
1358
01:04:22,840 --> 01:04:26,000
♪ We'll 'ave twins and triplets
I'm a man built for speed ♪
1359
01:04:26,800 --> 01:04:31,120
♪ And you know I'll love you darlin'
So give me your hand ♪
1360
01:04:32,120 --> 01:04:36,200
♪ But what I want the most
Is all they acres of land ♪
1361
01:04:36,680 --> 01:04:39,159
♪ Cuz I got a brand new
Combine harvester ♪
1362
01:04:39,160 --> 01:04:40,840
♪ An' I'll give you the key ♪
1363
01:04:42,280 --> 01:04:45,800
♪ Come on now let's get together
In perfect harmony ♪
1364
01:04:46,840 --> 01:04:50,960
♪ I got 20 acres
An' you got 43 ♪
1365
01:04:51,440 --> 01:04:53,959
♪ Now I got a brand new
Combine harvester ♪
1366
01:04:53,960 --> 01:04:55,800
♪ An' I'll give you the key ♪
1367
01:04:56,760 --> 01:04:58,000
♪ Who loves you, baby ♪
1368
01:04:59,320 --> 01:05:03,000
♪ Weren't we a grand couple
At that last Wurzel dance ♪
1369
01:05:03,880 --> 01:05:07,880
♪ I wore brand new gaters
And me corduroy pants ♪
1370
01:05:09,080 --> 01:05:13,040
♪ In your new Sunday dress
With your perfume smelling grand ♪
1371
01:05:14,400 --> 01:05:17,720
♪ We had our photos took
And us holding hands ♪
1372
01:05:18,720 --> 01:05:20,919
♪ Cuz I got a brand new
Combine harvester ♪
1373
01:05:20,920 --> 01:05:22,560
♪ An' I'll give you the key ♪
1374
01:05:23,960 --> 01:05:27,400
♪ Come on now let's get together
In perfect harmony ♪
1375
01:05:28,440 --> 01:05:32,520
♪ I got 20 acres
An' you got 43 ♪
1376
01:05:32,960 --> 01:05:35,439
♪ Now I got a brand new
Combine harvester ♪
1377
01:05:35,440 --> 01:05:37,080
♪ An' I'll give you the key ♪
1378
01:05:38,720 --> 01:05:40,119
♪ Ah, you're a fine lookin' woman ♪
1379
01:05:40,120 --> 01:05:43,000
♪ And I can't wait to get me 'ands
On your land ♪
1380
01:05:52,280 --> 01:05:55,160
One more round of applause, everybody!
The Wurzels!
1381
01:06:03,440 --> 01:06:04,800
I'm so excited!
1382
01:06:07,040 --> 01:06:08,319
I wanna say one more thing
1383
01:06:08,320 --> 01:06:10,519
and that's thanks so much
for coming tonight.
1384
01:06:10,520 --> 01:06:12,839
It's been an absolute pleasure to be here!
1385
01:06:12,840 --> 01:06:15,960
And just remember,
dreams don't work unless you do.
1386
01:06:22,080 --> 01:06:23,120
Hey, hey!
1387
01:06:24,040 --> 01:06:25,160
Thank you so much!
1388
01:06:30,840 --> 01:06:32,159
Thank you so much!
1389
01:06:32,160 --> 01:06:33,360
Thank you!