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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[crowd cheering]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[crowd chanting] Fluffy!
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- [cheering stops]
- [Gabriel] Man, look at this crowd.
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They are going crazy for this guy.
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Who is he?
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Why are they losing their minds?
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Well, I guess we're just gonna
have to go back to the beginning
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and figure it out.
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Editor, please do me a favor
and take us back to the beginning.
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[tape rewinds]
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[Gabriel] Uh, you know what? I think
you might have gone a little too far.
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Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I get it.
Last special. Performed at a stadium.
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Mexican Taylor Swift over here.
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Okay. Uh… I… You went a li…
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Hello? That's… a lot…
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Uh, you went…
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All right. Real funny, editor.
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Real funny.
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When I said go back to the beginning,
this isn't what I meant.
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- But seriously, how long is this special?
- [chime dings]
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[Gabriel] Oh. Okay, well,
we'll rewind it just that amount,
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and let's give these people
somethin' to talk about.
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{\an8}[clanking]
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{\an8}- [shot machine chiming]
- [coins clinking]
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{\an8}["Trendsetter" playing]
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{\an8}♪ The number you have dialed
Is not available at present ♪
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{\an8}♪ Please leave your message
After the beep ♪
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♪ Yeah, trendsetter ♪
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♪ Whoa, league of my own ♪
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♪ It don't get better, no
Read what I wrote ♪
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♪ I'm a bestseller, yeah ♪
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♪ Reach for my goals ♪
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♪ Hit it dead center, hit it dead center ♪
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- [bell dings]
- ♪ Bull's-eye, hit it the most… ♪
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[crowd chanting] Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
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Fluffy! Fluffy!
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Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
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[cheering grows louder]
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♪ A better bat
Because I'm bigger, better ♪
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♪ Solo singles selling several shows
Out every second ♪
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♪ Peter Piper picked
A peck of pickled peppers ♪
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♪ Connor came
And crushed the competition ♪
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♪ Hope they get the message ♪
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♪ Look, living it fast
Been in my Eminem bag, never go slow ♪
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{\an8}♪ Thinking I'll crash, end up in the past
They know I won't though ♪
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{\an8}♪ Big fish catchin' me
They gon' need a bigger boat ♪
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{\an8}♪ Ironic how the world stops
When I spin the globe ♪
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{\an8}♪ Always showing up ♪
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{\an8}♪ Last year's songs still holdin' up… ♪
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{\an8}[cheering grows louder]
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{\an8}[crowd chanting] Fluffy! Fluffy!
Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
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{\an8}We're in Miami, bitch!
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{\an8}[loud cheering]
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Yeah. Freaking Miami.
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This is the only place
I could pull this off.
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[crowd laughs]
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I can't wear this in LA. They're like,
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[in Spanish] "I'm blind!"
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[in English] "It's too much."
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Ah, freaking Mexican DJ Khaled up here.
I know, right?
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Also, I would like to thank,
since we're here,
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Only in Dade.
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Thank you so much.
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If you know, you know…
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[audience cheers]
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…and I think you know.
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[crowd chuckles]
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And also, to my friends
over at La Carreta for all the food. So…
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[crowd cheers]
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Yes.
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[laughing]
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Yeah, man.
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Before we get started, you guys,
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uh, I would like to thank
the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino
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for the opportunity to record a special.
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No other entertainer
has done a special here yet.
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Tonight is the first one.
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[crowd cheering]
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It wasn't the Rolling Stones.
It wasn't the Eagles.
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They trusted a comedian…
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[crowd cheers]
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…to make this happen.
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So I wanna say thank you.
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Is anybody else staying here
at the, uh… at the Hard Rock?
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[crowd cheers]
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Hey, me too.
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[audience laughs]
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This is a beautiful hotel,
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and I'm not just saying that
'cause my room is free.
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[audience laughs]
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You know you're in a nice hotel and casino
when you turn on your TV in your room
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and they have their own video.
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Like, if you're staying here,
you turn on the TV, you get this,
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[trills tongue]
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[feminine voice] "Welcome
to the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino."
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[audience chuckles]
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[moans seductively]
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"Twenty-four-hour gambling,
seven days a week, 365 days a year."
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[moans suggestively]
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I'm sitting there like,
"Why can't I stop watching this?"
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And I started thinking,
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at this point, why don't they just do that
to the slot machines?
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You know? Gambling's already shameless.
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Might as well go all the way.
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You walk up to one of the little machines,
pop in a 20.
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[whirring]
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[moans loudly]
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[whirring, moans]
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[whirring, moans]
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[feminine voice] "Don't stop."
[as self] "I'm not gonna."
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[audience laughs]
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People are walking by.
"What are you doing?"
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- [as self] "Trying to get the jackpot!"
- [audience laughs]
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Yeah, man. I'm gonna start
the show off tonight with a question.
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That's not how comedy shows happen,
but I'm gonna start it with a question.
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The question is,
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who here tonight has never heard of me
up until tonight?
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[scattered cheering]
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Five.
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Two. Five. Okay.
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To those of you,
the five of you, I say, "Sorry."
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I know you got excited.
You saw the ticket.
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You saw the last name,
and then I walked out.
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And you're like, "Enrique got bigger."
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[audience laughs]
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The only reason why I ask
who has never seen or heard of me before
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is because if you have,
then you know the type of show that I do.
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And you know the type of show
that I don't do.
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Like, I'm not here to tell you
who to vote for, who not to vote for,
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what shot to take
or what baby to get rid of.
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That's not for me to say.
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If you're already offended,
you missed the point.
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I'm telling you what I'm not gonna do.
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I promise you, I am here to entertain,
not offend. Okay?
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[audience cheers]
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We're gonna have fun with everybody.
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Starting with me,
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but I'm gonna let you know,
we're living in a different time.
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I've been doing this so long,
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I always figured,
as long as I'm being nice,
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I shouldn't have any issues,
but it's a very different time.
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This is year 27 for me.
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[crowd cheers]
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Yeah.
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Twenty-seven years of being a comedian.
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And in those 27 years,
I never had to worry.
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You know, when I first got started,
shoot… 1997,
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I was clean-shaven,
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I had hair.
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I know. Look at some of you.
"What happened?"
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Huh?
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Vaccine. I know.
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I'm kidding. I'm kid…
I'm kidding. Sorry, Florida.
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I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
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I said "Vaccine," some of you were like,
"I told you!" Yeah.
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[crowd laughs]
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[in Spanish] "I told you. He said so."
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[audience chuckles]
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[in English] Some friends tell me,
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"Dude, man, you're making money now.
Why don't you get the hair thingy?"
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I said, "For what?"
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"Well, you know, some women,
they want a guy with hair."
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Well, good for them.
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[audience laughs]
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And they're not lying.
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I have gone out with some women
that made it a point to tell me
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that hair was important.
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One told me flat out, "I need to be able
to run my fingers through your hair."
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Yeah! And I told her,
"Hey, look, if you go deep enough…
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[audience laughs]
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…you're gonna get your wish."
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"You were not specific on location. Hey."
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"You want hair,
you want pelos, I got you."
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But, yeah, 27 years of being a comedian.
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And in those 27 years,
I have seen a lot of comedians
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come and go.
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And I feel very grateful
that in all that time,
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we've still managed
to maintain a certain level.
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[audience cheers]
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So I feel like
we're doing something right.
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Which feels weird to me,
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because now I feel like
you gotta be very mindful.
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Okay? You gotta be extra mindful.
Like… Uh, 27 years of being a comedian,
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I finally started hearing
people tell me things
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that I've never heard before.
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I started hearing people
tell me things like,
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"Hey, Fluffy. I grew up watching you."
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[audience chuckles]
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Which is an incredible compliment
because that doesn't just say
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that you're a fan,
that says that you're invested.
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That says that you've been following
this career for a very long time.
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Some of you, the first time
you saw me perform, you were kids.
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[audience cheers]
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And now some of you are here tonight
with your kids.
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[audience cheers]
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And so, I just want to say thank you
for all those years of trust
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and continuing to come back
to see the show.
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It means a lot.
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[audience cheers and applauds]
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Hearing someone say
they grew up watching me,
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that is one of
the most beautiful compliments
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any entertainer can receive.
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And I understand that now,
with therapy, that that's what that means.
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- [audience chuckles]
- Look, I'm not gonna lie.
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The first time I heard someone tell me
that they grew up watching me,
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I didn't know how to handle it.
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I didn't know how to process
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because nobody wants
to feel like they're getting… old.
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The first time I heard it, I was like…
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[gasps dramatically]
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Second time I heard it,
I was like, "Buy a hat."
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00:10:23,664 --> 00:10:26,334
The third time, I accepted it. I was like,
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[as old white man']
"Many years ago, when I first got started,
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all of this was land
as far as the eye could see."
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"It was a very different time, and…"
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By the way, I don't know
why my old voice is white.
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[audience laughs]
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He just is.
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I tried doing the Mexican voice,
but you don't take him as serious.
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[in Spanish] "Well, screw you."
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"We were at the ranch,
and were told to fuck off, dude."
224
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"It's very tough out there."
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[in English] But times are changing.
The rules are changing.
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So I don't know
how much longer this is gonna be okay.
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I'll tell you what happened to me
and why I brought that up.
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I did a podcast.
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And before I went into the studio,
I'm talking to the producer outside.
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And the producer's excited and happy,
and she's like, "Gabriel Iglesias,
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we're so excited to have you."
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"This is really cool."
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"Before you go in, the host wanted me
to ask you something
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before you go in for your interview."
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I go, "Sure, go for it."
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"Okay. What do you identify as?"
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[audience chuckles]
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I wasn't sure how to answer that.
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I'm 47 years old.
I didn't know what to say.
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I was like, "Shit. Hungry, I guess."
241
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- I mean…
- [audience laughs]
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I'm tired, sleepy, depressed on Tuesdays.
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I don't know what you want me to say.
244
00:11:54,255 --> 00:11:55,673
See, here's the thing.
245
00:11:56,173 --> 00:11:59,301
I knew what she was trying to ask me.
246
00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:03,973
I just wasn't trying to get involved
in a conversation about something
247
00:12:04,056 --> 00:12:07,601
that has absolutely nothing to do with me.
248
00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:09,353
This was… Yeah.
249
00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:11,439
[audience cheers]
250
00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:15,943
I felt like I was being baited
251
00:12:16,026 --> 00:12:18,362
because no matter how
I answered that question,
252
00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:21,574
I was gonna find myself
in an awkward situation.
253
00:12:21,657 --> 00:12:25,369
So you know, because for me,
I was just like, "Let me just be funny."
254
00:12:25,453 --> 00:12:30,124
But nowadays, you can't just
not answer the question
255
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:32,960
because silence is seen as a problem.
256
00:12:33,043 --> 00:12:36,380
And I'm sorry if me not answering
a certain question
257
00:12:36,464 --> 00:12:37,840
is considered a problem.
258
00:12:37,923 --> 00:12:43,012
I was brought up during a time
where you were constantly told
259
00:12:43,095 --> 00:12:46,932
to mind your business.
260
00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:49,727
[audience cheers]
261
00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:54,899
That's all I'm trying to do
is stay in my lane.
262
00:12:54,982 --> 00:12:57,526
Another thing we were constantly told was
263
00:12:57,610 --> 00:13:02,907
always respect your elders.
264
00:13:02,990 --> 00:13:04,992
[audience cheers]
265
00:13:08,829 --> 00:13:11,582
And no matter
what generation you were from,
266
00:13:11,665 --> 00:13:15,419
that was at least the one thing
we could always agree on
267
00:13:15,503 --> 00:13:16,420
until now.
268
00:13:16,504 --> 00:13:20,341
Now older people are seen as a problem.
269
00:13:20,424 --> 00:13:21,467
They are.
270
00:13:21,550 --> 00:13:23,010
You know, and I understand
271
00:13:23,093 --> 00:13:26,597
the youth of today has the technology
in the palm of their hands,
272
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:30,017
and you can google just about anything,
273
00:13:30,100 --> 00:13:34,230
but you cannot google life experience.
274
00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:35,523
Okay?
275
00:13:36,106 --> 00:13:40,861
You can't. You can't download struggling.
You can't download failure.
276
00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:43,739
You can't download these moments
that help build you up
277
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:45,741
to make you a better person.
278
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:47,535
And so again, for me,
279
00:13:47,618 --> 00:13:51,121
I chose to stay in my lane
and just crack jokes
280
00:13:51,205 --> 00:13:53,249
when the girl asked me the question.
281
00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:56,460
She got very upset. She got very offended.
282
00:13:56,544 --> 00:13:58,003
As soon as I cracked the joke,
283
00:13:58,087 --> 00:14:00,464
she was like,
"No, that's not what I mean."
284
00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:02,716
"I mean what are your pronouns?"
285
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:05,594
"What?"
286
00:14:06,762 --> 00:14:07,972
"What are your pronouns?"
287
00:14:08,055 --> 00:14:10,975
"For example, are you a they or them?"
288
00:14:12,726 --> 00:14:14,228
"A they"?
289
00:14:14,311 --> 00:14:15,771
[audience chuckles]
290
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:16,981
"Or a them"?
291
00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:21,986
[audience laughs]
292
00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:26,365
"How fat am I?"
293
00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:28,993
[audience laughs]
294
00:14:29,076 --> 00:14:31,287
"When did I stop being an it?"
295
00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:35,040
Apparently, I ate myself into a plural.
296
00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:36,250
That's what happened.
297
00:14:36,333 --> 00:14:38,335
[audience chuckles and applauds]
298
00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:48,554
What I'm finding is,
even if you have good intentions,
299
00:14:48,637 --> 00:14:50,097
and you're trying to be cool,
300
00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:52,474
you can still find yourself
in a situation.
301
00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:55,394
So, I'll tell you
what else happened to me, m'kay?
302
00:14:56,103 --> 00:14:57,813
I was at a McDonald's.
303
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,565
[audience chuckles]
304
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,487
That's not even the joke, but okay.
305
00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:06,822
[audience laughs]
306
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:10,117
All righty. They're like,
"Here, this is gonna be good." No, no!
307
00:15:11,952 --> 00:15:14,204
I was at a McDonald's by my house.
308
00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:18,417
The McDonald's by my house
is actually a twofer.
309
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:22,671
It's a McDonald's on the corner,
and it's also a gas station.
310
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:25,758
I got a big SUV.
I knew it was gonna be a minute.
311
00:15:25,841 --> 00:15:29,011
So I said, "Let me go get
some nuggets while I'm here."
312
00:15:30,554 --> 00:15:33,724
I walk into the McDonald's,
and as I'm walking in,
313
00:15:33,807 --> 00:15:35,976
I couldn't help but notice
314
00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:39,271
this homeless family
sitting right outside.
315
00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:42,274
Now, they didn't have a sign.
316
00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:46,278
They did not ask me for money,
but you could just tell.
317
00:15:46,362 --> 00:15:50,950
You could just tell that this poor family
is dealing with life.
318
00:15:51,033 --> 00:15:53,327
So I get inside,
and I said, "You know what?"
319
00:15:53,410 --> 00:15:55,245
"I don't need anything to eat."
320
00:15:55,329 --> 00:15:58,832
"I really don't.
At this point, it's just the habit."
321
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:01,794
[audience laughs]
322
00:16:09,677 --> 00:16:11,053
I get to the register, and I say,
323
00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:13,389
"You know what?
Let me order some food for the family."
324
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:14,765
"They got kids with them."
325
00:16:14,848 --> 00:16:18,852
So I placed an order
and the cashier's like, "Anything else?"
326
00:16:18,936 --> 00:16:22,690
"Actually, yes.
Do you have, um… um, Wet-Naps?"
327
00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:25,567
"Excuse me?"
"You know, Wet-Naps to clean your hands."
328
00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:27,945
"Sir, you're more than welcome
to use the restroom."
329
00:16:28,028 --> 00:16:29,279
"I'll give you the code."
330
00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:30,364
"Here's the thing."
331
00:16:30,447 --> 00:16:33,075
"It's not for me.
It's for the homeless family
332
00:16:33,158 --> 00:16:34,868
that's right outside the door."
333
00:16:34,952 --> 00:16:39,331
"I want to make sure that the little kids
can clean their hands before they eat."
334
00:16:39,415 --> 00:16:42,209
"This food that I just ordered
is for them."
335
00:16:42,292 --> 00:16:43,961
And as we're talking…
336
00:16:44,044 --> 00:16:45,212
[audience cheers]
337
00:16:45,921 --> 00:16:46,922
Thank you.
338
00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:51,593
As we're talking,
the manager at the McDonald's
339
00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:55,806
is listening in to our conversation.
340
00:16:55,889 --> 00:16:58,559
And she walks over.
And she's all nosy, right?
341
00:16:58,642 --> 00:17:01,353
She's like, "Excuse me.
I couldn't help but overhear."
342
00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:04,857
"Did you just say that this food
is for the family outside?"
343
00:17:05,733 --> 00:17:07,526
[as self] "Yeah. I hope that's okay."
344
00:17:07,609 --> 00:17:09,862
[as manager] "No, it is definitely okay."
345
00:17:09,945 --> 00:17:14,700
"Giving food to people who need food
is definitely okay."
346
00:17:14,783 --> 00:17:18,245
"However, what you just called them
347
00:17:19,455 --> 00:17:21,081
is not okay."
348
00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:23,042
[audience groans]
349
00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:26,545
[as self] "What did I call them?"
350
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,380
[as manager] "You said…
351
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:30,924
homeless."
352
00:17:32,509 --> 00:17:34,636
[as self] "'Cause they are! Look. Shit."
353
00:17:35,804 --> 00:17:37,806
[audience laughs]
354
00:17:38,932 --> 00:17:40,684
"He's lickin' the window!"
355
00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:42,394
[audience laughs]
356
00:17:42,478 --> 00:17:46,190
[as manager] "You can't say that word.
It's considered offensive."
357
00:17:47,191 --> 00:17:48,734
[as self] "Who complained?"
358
00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:53,530
"Okay, well, if I'm not supposed to say
the word 'homeless' anymore,
359
00:17:53,614 --> 00:17:56,742
what am I supposed to say
instead of the word 'homeless'?"
360
00:17:57,743 --> 00:17:59,620
[as manager]
"The new politically correct term
361
00:17:59,703 --> 00:18:02,539
is actually 'unhoused'
362
00:18:02,623 --> 00:18:07,336
when describing someone
in an unfortunate situation like that."
363
00:18:08,796 --> 00:18:10,798
[audience jeering]
364
00:18:14,051 --> 00:18:15,302
[as self] "You're kidding."
365
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:19,098
[as manager] "No, sir. I'm not kidding.
And please lower your voice."
366
00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:21,100
[as self] "You want me to lower my voice
367
00:18:21,183 --> 00:18:23,811
when you're saying something
so ridiculous?"
368
00:18:23,894 --> 00:18:25,813
[as manager] "If you think
it's ridiculous,
369
00:18:25,896 --> 00:18:28,524
then clearly, you are part of the problem,
370
00:18:29,024 --> 00:18:30,567
not the solution."
371
00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:32,653
[audience chuckling]
372
00:18:35,197 --> 00:18:37,991
Oh, Miami. I wanted to get ghetto.
373
00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:41,078
[audience cheers]
374
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:46,458
I wanted to get ghetto.
375
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,963
Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
I wanted to go full Hialeah on them.
376
00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:53,465
[audience cheering]
377
00:19:00,097 --> 00:19:01,849
[man] Love you, Fluffy!
378
00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:04,268
Thank you for coming, Hialeah.
379
00:19:04,351 --> 00:19:06,770
[audience cheers]
380
00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:09,231
So yeah, I wanted to go off on her,
but I… I…
381
00:19:09,314 --> 00:19:11,066
I wanted to get ghetto, but I couldn't
382
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:14,653
because that is
the regular McDonald's I go to.
383
00:19:14,736 --> 00:19:15,737
[audience chuckles]
384
00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:18,699
You know what I'm saying?
I'm not trying to get banned.
385
00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:22,536
The next one's far, and gas is a bitch,
so I'm like, "Nah."
386
00:19:23,453 --> 00:19:26,748
So I looked at her, and I said,
"Okay. We're gonna play this game?"
387
00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:28,250
"Let's play this game."
388
00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:29,960
"From now on,
389
00:19:30,919 --> 00:19:32,421
I'm no longer fat."
390
00:19:32,504 --> 00:19:33,881
[audience chuckles]
391
00:19:33,964 --> 00:19:37,634
"According to you,
I am now 'unexercised.'"
392
00:19:37,718 --> 00:19:39,720
[audience laughs]
393
00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:43,974
[audience cheering]
394
00:19:49,771 --> 00:19:53,567
I did, bro. She looked at me,
and she's like, "Don't be ridiculous."
395
00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:56,361
And I looked at her, and I was like, "Oh!"
396
00:19:56,445 --> 00:20:01,909
"Oh, well, if you think it's ridiculous,
then clearly you are part of the problem."
397
00:20:03,744 --> 00:20:05,412
"Not the solution."
398
00:20:05,495 --> 00:20:07,080
[audience cheers]
399
00:20:07,164 --> 00:20:09,458
And I grabbed the food, and I walked out.
400
00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:14,213
Now, second half of the story.
I walk over to the family. M'kay?
401
00:20:14,296 --> 00:20:17,049
And I hand the bags of food to the mom.
402
00:20:17,549 --> 00:20:19,885
And the mom was so nice.
403
00:20:19,968 --> 00:20:24,431
She was just happy that someone
thought of her and her kids.
404
00:20:24,514 --> 00:20:25,891
She got very emotional.
405
00:20:25,974 --> 00:20:28,435
She's like,
"I just want to say thank you."
406
00:20:28,518 --> 00:20:31,647
"You have no idea
what you're doing for us right now."
407
00:20:31,730 --> 00:20:33,440
"This really means a lot."
408
00:20:33,523 --> 00:20:34,358
"Thank you."
409
00:20:34,441 --> 00:20:39,196
And I had to ask the question.
410
00:20:39,279 --> 00:20:40,864
[audience chuckles]
411
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:52,668
I said,
412
00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:55,337
"Are you okay?"
413
00:20:56,463 --> 00:20:58,215
I know what you thought.
414
00:21:01,468 --> 00:21:03,595
Some of you are like, "Don't do it."
415
00:21:04,513 --> 00:21:06,640
Oh, I did it.
That's why we're here. Watch.
416
00:21:07,683 --> 00:21:09,601
So, I looked, and I said, "Are you okay?"
417
00:21:09,685 --> 00:21:14,022
And she was like, "No, unfortunately.
We're not okay. We're not."
418
00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:16,483
"We've been homeless now for four days."
419
00:21:17,234 --> 00:21:19,278
And I was like, "Um…"
420
00:21:19,361 --> 00:21:21,363
[audience laughs]
421
00:21:25,325 --> 00:21:26,994
"I don't know if you heard."
422
00:21:27,077 --> 00:21:29,079
[audience laughs]
423
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:30,998
"But, uh…"
424
00:21:34,626 --> 00:21:36,253
No, not… I didn't correct her.
425
00:21:36,336 --> 00:21:38,297
[audience chuckles]
426
00:21:38,380 --> 00:21:40,465
I didn't correct her
'cause I'm not a dick.
427
00:21:40,549 --> 00:21:42,009
That's why I didn't correct her.
428
00:21:42,509 --> 00:21:44,511
[audience laughs]
429
00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:46,638
That's what I mean, you guys.
430
00:21:46,722 --> 00:21:48,849
Even if you have good intentions nowadays,
431
00:21:48,932 --> 00:21:51,018
people can take
what you're saying or doing
432
00:21:51,101 --> 00:21:54,062
and twist it to make you look bad.
433
00:21:54,146 --> 00:21:57,482
There should be no consequences
434
00:21:57,566 --> 00:22:01,111
for being kind, for trying to help,
435
00:22:01,194 --> 00:22:05,782
for wanting to do the right thing,
for caring.
436
00:22:09,036 --> 00:22:11,872
Unfortunately, we're still consumed
by this word called "liability"
437
00:22:11,955 --> 00:22:16,251
that sometimes we forget to be
a little human, and that's unfortunate.
438
00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:18,462
I'm not trying to get
on a soapbox about this.
439
00:22:18,545 --> 00:22:21,423
I'm trying to let you know
some things I've been dealing with,
440
00:22:21,506 --> 00:22:23,759
and I'm just here to report.
441
00:22:23,842 --> 00:22:25,886
[audience chuckles]
442
00:22:25,969 --> 00:22:29,639
The thing with me now is
that after 27 years of being a comedian,
443
00:22:29,723 --> 00:22:32,768
every time I walk out the door,
444
00:22:32,851 --> 00:22:36,063
the light is officially on.
445
00:22:36,146 --> 00:22:39,775
In the sense that every time
I leave my house,
446
00:22:39,858 --> 00:22:43,403
there is a slight chance
I could make the news.
447
00:22:45,322 --> 00:22:46,406
For example,
448
00:22:46,490 --> 00:22:51,286
did Martin talk about how, uh, he fell
off the stage earlier in the show?
449
00:22:51,370 --> 00:22:53,205
- [crowd] Yeah.
- Okay. Okay, cool.
450
00:22:53,288 --> 00:22:56,958
Uh, for the home audience, Martin,
he fell a while back. He talked about it.
451
00:22:57,042 --> 00:22:58,085
I know you didn't see it,
452
00:22:58,168 --> 00:23:00,462
'cause your subscription
only covers so much.
453
00:23:00,545 --> 00:23:02,547
- Um, yeah.
- [audience laughs]
454
00:23:03,256 --> 00:23:05,634
You can watch the first half on Prime.
I think it's on Prime.
455
00:23:05,717 --> 00:23:09,096
Maybe you can just see it there
then come back and check out the rest.
456
00:23:09,179 --> 00:23:12,766
So, long story short, we were doing a show
in Phoenix, Arizona,
457
00:23:12,849 --> 00:23:16,812
and Martin accidentally fell
off of a stage this high,
458
00:23:16,895 --> 00:23:18,355
and he broke his foot.
459
00:23:18,438 --> 00:23:22,692
Now, the incredible part
about Martin is that he got up,
460
00:23:22,776 --> 00:23:28,240
and on adrenaline, ran around,
got back up on stage, and performed.
461
00:23:28,323 --> 00:23:32,619
And then was taken to the hospital
after he walked off stage.
462
00:23:32,702 --> 00:23:34,246
He is a professional.
463
00:23:34,955 --> 00:23:36,957
[audience cheers]
464
00:23:39,835 --> 00:23:41,962
Seriously, that is a pro.
465
00:23:42,045 --> 00:23:44,798
Much respect
'cause if it would have been me…
466
00:23:44,881 --> 00:23:46,758
[audience chuckles]
467
00:23:46,842 --> 00:23:48,260
If I would've fallen off stage,
468
00:23:48,343 --> 00:23:51,388
and the staff was like,
"What about the fans?"
469
00:23:51,471 --> 00:23:52,889
"Well, bye, Felicia."
470
00:23:52,973 --> 00:23:55,392
[audience laughs]
471
00:23:55,475 --> 00:23:57,185
"What do we tell 'em?" "Refund."
472
00:23:57,269 --> 00:23:59,271
[audience laughs]
473
00:24:00,355 --> 00:24:05,360
But see, the difference is
Martin had to tell you he fell
474
00:24:05,444 --> 00:24:07,612
for you to know he fell.
475
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:10,282
And by the way, I saw the fall. I saw.
476
00:24:10,365 --> 00:24:13,952
He came out and just kind of tripped over
a cord backstage,
477
00:24:14,035 --> 00:24:16,037
came through the curtain already,
you know.
478
00:24:16,121 --> 00:24:19,040
And then, you know… "Martiiin!"
479
00:24:20,417 --> 00:24:21,501
[imitates thud]
480
00:24:23,420 --> 00:24:25,172
Women in the front row were like,
481
00:24:25,255 --> 00:24:26,840
"He fell for me."
482
00:24:26,923 --> 00:24:28,925
[audience laughs]
483
00:24:29,759 --> 00:24:30,802
I'm glad you laughed.
484
00:24:30,886 --> 00:24:33,889
I said that last night
and some guy was like, "Aw."
485
00:24:33,972 --> 00:24:35,056
[audience chuckles]
486
00:24:35,140 --> 00:24:36,433
I said, "Why 'aww'?"
487
00:24:36,516 --> 00:24:38,560
[as man] "Well, that's your friend."
488
00:24:38,643 --> 00:24:41,855
[as self] "Exactly.
That's why I make fun of him."
489
00:24:42,939 --> 00:24:47,402
That is the mark of a true friendship,
is being able to say
490
00:24:47,486 --> 00:24:50,530
real evil things about each other.
491
00:24:50,614 --> 00:24:53,116
[audience cheers]
492
00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:55,785
Because you know you don't really mean it.
493
00:24:56,745 --> 00:25:00,040
Plus, you don't think
that if I would've fallen off the stage
494
00:25:00,123 --> 00:25:03,210
instead of Martin
that he wouldn't've had a joke?
495
00:25:03,877 --> 00:25:05,837
You better believe
he would have had a joke.
496
00:25:05,921 --> 00:25:08,965
He would have told people,
"I saw Fluffy bounce."
497
00:25:09,049 --> 00:25:11,051
[audience laughs]
498
00:25:11,968 --> 00:25:14,638
Not to mention the fact
that you know that'll make the news.
499
00:25:14,721 --> 00:25:19,267
I fall off the stage tonight,
there'll be a van out in front in an hour.
500
00:25:19,768 --> 00:25:23,730
"We're standing here live in front
of the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino,
501
00:25:23,813 --> 00:25:27,067
where authorities believe
Fluffy lost control."
502
00:25:28,735 --> 00:25:32,239
"Let's go to Tom, who's inside the venue
who can fill us in with more."
503
00:25:32,322 --> 00:25:37,077
"That's right, Jim, I'm standing here
at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino,
504
00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:41,122
inside the venue
where apparently Fluffy took a spill."
505
00:25:42,958 --> 00:25:45,627
"It is still uncertain
as to what happened here tonight."
506
00:25:45,710 --> 00:25:49,923
"We did have a chance to interview
local authorities who had this to say."
507
00:25:50,006 --> 00:25:51,341
"Damn!"
508
00:25:51,424 --> 00:25:53,343
[audience laughs]
509
00:25:53,927 --> 00:25:57,097
"It is still uncertain if there
was any problems with the stage."
510
00:25:57,180 --> 00:26:00,350
"We did speak to security
who had this to comment."
511
00:26:00,433 --> 00:26:03,144
"I saw the whole damn thing. Okay?"
512
00:26:04,187 --> 00:26:08,525
"Whoo! Fluffy fell. He fell hard."
513
00:26:09,150 --> 00:26:12,445
"I ain't seen that many white people cry
since a Taylor Swift concert."
514
00:26:12,529 --> 00:26:17,367
"It was bad. It was bad.
And in Miami. Are you kidding me?"
515
00:26:17,450 --> 00:26:20,036
"He hurt more Cubans than Castro."
516
00:26:20,120 --> 00:26:21,955
[audience laughs]
517
00:26:27,919 --> 00:26:29,254
And that's how you get canceled.
518
00:26:29,337 --> 00:26:32,632
So, uh, that's the point
I'm trying to make here.
519
00:26:34,217 --> 00:26:37,095
I made the news recently.
520
00:26:37,178 --> 00:26:38,972
Uh, without giving too much away,
521
00:26:39,055 --> 00:26:41,766
there's an episode of Family Feud
coming out very soon
522
00:26:41,850 --> 00:26:43,226
that I'm gonna be on.
523
00:26:43,768 --> 00:26:44,769
Yeah.
524
00:26:44,853 --> 00:26:46,646
[audience applauds]
525
00:26:46,730 --> 00:26:51,359
It is the celebrity edition,
so it's Fluffy and Fluffy's family
526
00:26:51,443 --> 00:26:53,987
versus Fat Joe…
527
00:26:54,070 --> 00:26:55,363
[audience gasps]
528
00:26:55,447 --> 00:26:56,573
…and his family.
529
00:26:56,656 --> 00:26:58,992
So yeah, it's Fat Joe versus Fluffy
530
00:26:59,075 --> 00:27:02,704
because apparently, the producers
have a great sense of humor.
531
00:27:02,787 --> 00:27:04,205
[audience laughs]
532
00:27:04,289 --> 00:27:07,042
Long story short, I flew in
some family from the East Coast
533
00:27:07,125 --> 00:27:08,209
to be on the show.
534
00:27:08,293 --> 00:27:11,546
The show went over very well.
You'll find out who wins later.
535
00:27:11,630 --> 00:27:12,464
Here's the deal.
536
00:27:12,547 --> 00:27:16,468
The next day, my sister,
who was one of the people I flew in,
537
00:27:16,551 --> 00:27:18,720
she hadn't been in California in forever,
538
00:27:18,803 --> 00:27:21,181
and she was like,
"Can we go to Disneyland?"
539
00:27:21,264 --> 00:27:23,558
And I'm like, "Sure, let's go."
540
00:27:23,642 --> 00:27:26,770
So it was her and her husband Gordy,
and I took them to Disney.
541
00:27:26,853 --> 00:27:30,148
And we get on a couple of rides,
and just so we're clear,
542
00:27:30,231 --> 00:27:32,067
that's not what made the news.
543
00:27:32,150 --> 00:27:33,693
[audience chuckles]
544
00:27:33,777 --> 00:27:36,363
I said that last night,
someone was like, "'Cause he fit."
545
00:27:36,446 --> 00:27:37,614
No!
546
00:27:37,697 --> 00:27:38,948
[audience laughs]
547
00:27:39,032 --> 00:27:40,617
Some people. Right? Yeah.
548
00:27:43,411 --> 00:27:47,666
We get on the Cars ride
at California Adventure,
549
00:27:47,749 --> 00:27:50,460
and halfway through the Cars ride,
the car…
550
00:27:50,543 --> 00:27:52,796
[imitates engine revving,
brakes screeching]
551
00:27:52,879 --> 00:27:54,756
…stops on the track.
552
00:27:54,839 --> 00:27:56,132
And my sister looked at me.
553
00:27:56,216 --> 00:27:58,551
She goes, "Is this supposed to happen?"
554
00:27:59,219 --> 00:28:02,555
I go, "No, the check cleared.
We're supposed to finish. This is, uh…"
555
00:28:03,390 --> 00:28:05,767
"We paid. It's supposed to work.
No, this…"
556
00:28:06,768 --> 00:28:10,188
It took the Disney people
about 20 minutes to come get us
557
00:28:10,271 --> 00:28:11,773
and take us out of the car.
558
00:28:11,856 --> 00:28:16,111
So we're sitting there,
outside, in the sun for 20 minutes.
559
00:28:16,903 --> 00:28:21,282
I had no problem
with that because I am mocha.
560
00:28:23,118 --> 00:28:25,453
I'm okay in the sun for 20 minutes.
561
00:28:25,537 --> 00:28:28,331
My sister, she's twice as dark as me.
562
00:28:28,415 --> 00:28:31,835
She's, like, freaking, you know, Apache.
She's… You know.
563
00:28:32,460 --> 00:28:33,420
Freaking Azteca.
564
00:28:33,503 --> 00:28:35,171
[chanting] Just, you know…
565
00:28:36,339 --> 00:28:39,718
Her husband, on the other hand,
he's from Minnesota.
566
00:28:39,801 --> 00:28:41,678
[audience laughs]
567
00:28:44,347 --> 00:28:45,557
He almost died.
568
00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:47,183
[audience laughs]
569
00:28:47,267 --> 00:28:51,771
"Oh, don' cha know?" Yeah, so…
while we're sitting there in the car,
570
00:28:51,855 --> 00:28:55,233
waiting for the Disney people
to come take us out of the car,
571
00:28:55,316 --> 00:29:00,113
the people waiting in line
realize that the ride has been shut down.
572
00:29:00,196 --> 00:29:04,284
And so from the ride,
you can see the line.
573
00:29:04,367 --> 00:29:06,536
People see the car on the track,
574
00:29:07,203 --> 00:29:08,371
and then they see
575
00:29:08,955 --> 00:29:10,707
who's in the car.
576
00:29:10,790 --> 00:29:11,750
[audience chuckles]
577
00:29:11,833 --> 00:29:14,794
And all of a sudden,
cell phones start comin' out.
578
00:29:14,878 --> 00:29:17,005
And by the time we left Disney,
579
00:29:17,088 --> 00:29:21,342
TMZ had already reported the story,
and you can google this, okay?
580
00:29:21,426 --> 00:29:22,886
TMZ reported the story.
581
00:29:22,969 --> 00:29:24,095
Before we left the park,
582
00:29:24,179 --> 00:29:28,391
it said, "Fluffy Stuck
on LA Freeway at Disney."
583
00:29:28,475 --> 00:29:31,352
[audience chuckles]
584
00:29:31,436 --> 00:29:32,604
I thought it was cute.
585
00:29:32,687 --> 00:29:33,897
I thought it was silly.
586
00:29:33,980 --> 00:29:36,691
I thought it was funny.
I thought it was okay.
587
00:29:37,317 --> 00:29:39,194
Until I read the comments.
588
00:29:39,277 --> 00:29:40,862
[audience chuckles]
589
00:29:40,945 --> 00:29:43,490
Oh, some of you…
590
00:29:45,492 --> 00:29:46,826
are dicks.
591
00:29:46,910 --> 00:29:48,912
[audience laughs]
592
00:29:52,540 --> 00:29:55,335
One lady wrote, "Just 'cause
you're tall enough to ride
593
00:29:55,418 --> 00:29:57,629
doesn't mean you're small enough to fit."
594
00:29:58,129 --> 00:30:00,340
[audience laughs]
595
00:30:00,423 --> 00:30:03,259
A guy wrote, "The car got tired."
596
00:30:03,343 --> 00:30:04,969
[audience laughs]
597
00:30:05,053 --> 00:30:08,014
Another guy wrote,
"You're Mexican. Couldn't you fix it?"
598
00:30:08,097 --> 00:30:10,099
[audience laughs]
599
00:30:11,976 --> 00:30:14,020
And that was Martin, yeah. So…
600
00:30:14,103 --> 00:30:15,772
[audience laughs]
601
00:30:15,855 --> 00:30:17,524
[imitates rim shot] Anyway, so…
602
00:30:20,735 --> 00:30:24,572
The time before that, we made world news.
603
00:30:24,656 --> 00:30:26,616
Some of you might remember this story.
604
00:30:26,699 --> 00:30:31,371
The guys and I were involved
in an emergency landing situation.
605
00:30:31,454 --> 00:30:34,499
I had, uh, chartered a private jet
606
00:30:34,582 --> 00:30:39,003
because my last Netflix special,
the money finally hit my account,
607
00:30:39,087 --> 00:30:43,842
and I, you know, freakin'…
I thought I was, y'know, ballin', right?
608
00:30:44,801 --> 00:30:46,928
Nope. Turns out we were fallin'!
609
00:30:49,722 --> 00:30:55,728
Worst turbulence we have ever experienced
in 27 years of being comedians.
610
00:30:55,812 --> 00:30:58,439
Uh, worst turbulence I ever felt,
for sure.
611
00:30:58,523 --> 00:31:00,900
At one point, the jet did this.
612
00:31:00,984 --> 00:31:02,735
- [whooshes]
- [audience chuckles]
613
00:31:02,819 --> 00:31:04,279
I did this.
614
00:31:04,362 --> 00:31:07,156
- [imitates thud]
- [audience chuckles]
615
00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:11,369
The scariest part was
watching my dogs leave the seat.
616
00:31:13,246 --> 00:31:15,832
Fortunately, we landed safely.
We were okay.
617
00:31:15,915 --> 00:31:18,001
That's not what made the news.
618
00:31:18,084 --> 00:31:21,504
What made the news is that,
when we came in for the landing,
619
00:31:22,755 --> 00:31:26,175
the jet touched down,
and then it skid off the runway
620
00:31:26,676 --> 00:31:30,638
by 200 yards, and we ended up in a field.
621
00:31:31,806 --> 00:31:32,974
A field.
622
00:31:34,434 --> 00:31:35,351
A field!
623
00:31:36,936 --> 00:31:38,271
Are you kidding me?
624
00:31:38,354 --> 00:31:41,733
As hard as I work…
625
00:31:41,816 --> 00:31:43,985
[audience laughs]
626
00:31:45,153 --> 00:31:47,155
[audience applauds]
627
00:31:52,660 --> 00:31:54,537
…to break stereotypes.
628
00:31:54,621 --> 00:31:57,040
[audience laughs]
629
00:31:57,123 --> 00:32:00,209
A bunch of Mexicans ended up in a field.
Yeah, that's what happened.
630
00:32:00,293 --> 00:32:01,961
[audience laughs]
631
00:32:02,045 --> 00:32:05,423
That's how TMZ reported it.
"Mexicans Found in Field."
632
00:32:05,506 --> 00:32:07,216
[audience chuckles]
633
00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:11,512
In the movies,
the pilots are always the first to know
634
00:32:12,096 --> 00:32:13,348
when there's an issue.
635
00:32:13,431 --> 00:32:18,478
And in the movies,
the pilots always have the courtesy
636
00:32:18,561 --> 00:32:20,897
of telling the passengers.
637
00:32:20,980 --> 00:32:23,942
They love to hear themselves talk.
They get on the mic,
638
00:32:24,025 --> 00:32:25,777
"All right.
It's your captain speaking here."
639
00:32:25,860 --> 00:32:28,655
"I just want to let you know
we'll be experiencing rough air."
640
00:32:28,738 --> 00:32:33,034
"If you could just fasten your seatbelts,
we're gonna be A-okay. All right…"
641
00:32:33,117 --> 00:32:33,952
[murmurs]
642
00:32:34,535 --> 00:32:36,579
You know? If it gets bumpy, you know,
643
00:32:36,663 --> 00:32:37,664
[whooshing]
644
00:32:37,747 --> 00:32:39,040
[as captain, mumbling]
645
00:32:39,123 --> 00:32:40,583
"It's your captain speaking."
646
00:32:40,667 --> 00:32:43,002
"Somebody just had
a little Mexican food here,
647
00:32:43,086 --> 00:32:46,130
so we… we're feeling
a little bumpy up here."
648
00:32:46,214 --> 00:32:47,882
"We just had some fast food."
649
00:32:47,966 --> 00:32:50,468
"Just a reminder
to keep your seat belts fastened."
650
00:32:50,551 --> 00:32:53,304
"We might be getting a bit…
There we go. Just a bit there."
651
00:32:53,388 --> 00:32:56,057
[laughs] "All right, I'll be back with you
in just a few seconds…"
652
00:32:56,140 --> 00:32:57,558
[mumbles indistinctly]
653
00:32:58,059 --> 00:33:00,478
If the plane's going down,
"Brace for impact!"
654
00:33:00,561 --> 00:33:02,981
"Hold on tight! We're comin' in hot!"
655
00:33:03,940 --> 00:33:04,774
Our pilot…
656
00:33:05,525 --> 00:33:06,442
nada.
657
00:33:06,526 --> 00:33:08,486
[audience laughs]
658
00:33:08,569 --> 00:33:12,490
Our pilot didn't say anything
until we came to, like, a complete stop.
659
00:33:12,573 --> 00:33:14,200
And then maybe like a minute later,
660
00:33:14,283 --> 00:33:17,078
the cockpit door opened up,
and he stuck his head in,
661
00:33:17,161 --> 00:33:18,871
and he's like, "You good?"
662
00:33:18,955 --> 00:33:20,957
[audience laughs]
663
00:33:25,086 --> 00:33:26,337
I was like,
664
00:33:27,839 --> 00:33:30,675
"My chihuahua's in a cup holder.
I am not good."
665
00:33:33,970 --> 00:33:36,472
It was a scary situation, you guys,
666
00:33:36,556 --> 00:33:41,936
but let me tell you, even though
we were involved in an emergency landing
667
00:33:42,020 --> 00:33:43,813
and we thought we were gonna die,
668
00:33:43,896 --> 00:33:47,442
I'm grateful for the experience.
669
00:33:47,525 --> 00:33:48,735
Believe it or not.
670
00:33:48,818 --> 00:33:54,240
I'm grateful because it reminded me
how valuable life is
671
00:33:55,158 --> 00:33:57,452
and how quickly things can change.
672
00:33:58,161 --> 00:34:00,747
[audience applauds]
673
00:34:00,830 --> 00:34:03,166
Every now and then,
we need a little reminder.
674
00:34:03,249 --> 00:34:05,835
We need to get shaken up a little
to remind ourselves,
675
00:34:05,918 --> 00:34:07,295
"Oh my God. This is special."
676
00:34:07,378 --> 00:34:10,048
"This is important. Enjoy it. Have fun."
677
00:34:10,131 --> 00:34:15,386
The rest of the day after the landing,
there was nothing anybody could tell me
678
00:34:15,470 --> 00:34:19,724
to ruin how good I felt
to just be breathing and be alive.
679
00:34:19,807 --> 00:34:21,100
Nothing!
680
00:34:21,184 --> 00:34:23,186
[audience cheers and applauds]
681
00:34:27,106 --> 00:34:32,070
And so, that's why I, uh…
I'm grateful for bad moments.
682
00:34:32,153 --> 00:34:35,656
And I think bad moments
are actually a good thing
683
00:34:35,740 --> 00:34:37,366
because we need balance in life.
684
00:34:37,450 --> 00:34:39,827
You need to have bad experiences
685
00:34:39,911 --> 00:34:43,956
in order to truly appreciate
good experiences.
686
00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:45,833
Not every day can be the same.
687
00:34:45,917 --> 00:34:47,043
[audience applauds]
688
00:34:47,126 --> 00:34:49,170
You need to have a way to ba--
689
00:34:49,253 --> 00:34:50,922
Now, don't get me wrong.
690
00:34:51,005 --> 00:34:53,841
Sometimes there's too many bad days
in a row. That shit sucks.
691
00:34:54,759 --> 00:34:56,636
And that's actually what happened to me.
692
00:34:56,719 --> 00:35:00,264
After the near-death experience,
I go home.
693
00:35:00,348 --> 00:35:04,602
I go home to find out
that someone broke into my house.
694
00:35:04,685 --> 00:35:05,770
[audience gasps]
695
00:35:05,853 --> 00:35:08,481
Yeah. Yeah, I'm like,
"Are you kidding me?"
696
00:35:08,564 --> 00:35:10,691
"That's why I survived? To see this shit?"
697
00:35:10,775 --> 00:35:11,901
[audience laughs]
698
00:35:11,984 --> 00:35:14,821
The only reason why
you haven't heard about it until now
699
00:35:14,904 --> 00:35:17,323
is because the detective
who's working the case
700
00:35:17,406 --> 00:35:20,118
told me I'm not allowed to talk about it.
701
00:35:22,411 --> 00:35:23,788
In California.
702
00:35:23,871 --> 00:35:25,873
[audience laughs]
703
00:35:26,666 --> 00:35:30,586
Yeah, if the guys that broke into my house
are here tonight… [scoffs] …bravo.
704
00:35:31,796 --> 00:35:34,173
[sarcastically] Bravo.
That's a flex and a half.
705
00:35:35,049 --> 00:35:38,761
No, they broke into my house,
and of course, the number one question is,
706
00:35:38,845 --> 00:35:40,805
"What did they take from your house?"
707
00:35:40,888 --> 00:35:43,850
And what they took from me,
honestly, it was my peace of mind.
708
00:35:43,933 --> 00:35:46,686
I didn't feel safe in that house after.
709
00:35:46,769 --> 00:35:48,521
Uh, but if you must know,
710
00:35:48,604 --> 00:35:51,149
I did everything to prevent a break-in.
711
00:35:51,232 --> 00:35:54,485
I had, first of all, a good neighborhood.
712
00:35:54,569 --> 00:35:58,156
I had an alarm. I had two camera systems.
713
00:35:58,239 --> 00:36:00,241
I had a fence
that surrounded the property.
714
00:36:00,324 --> 00:36:01,617
I thought I was good.
715
00:36:02,410 --> 00:36:06,372
Um, I got video footage
of the entire robbery.
716
00:36:06,873 --> 00:36:08,708
[audience laughs]
717
00:36:10,459 --> 00:36:11,502
In 4K.
718
00:36:12,253 --> 00:36:14,005
[audience chuckles]
719
00:36:14,088 --> 00:36:15,548
Oh, that shit is crisp.
720
00:36:16,799 --> 00:36:20,553
I saw the guys that broke in,
but I could not identify them
721
00:36:20,636 --> 00:36:22,555
because they were wearing masks.
722
00:36:22,638 --> 00:36:25,516
All I can tell you about the two guys
that broke into my house
723
00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:29,228
is that they were 20 years old.
724
00:36:29,312 --> 00:36:30,688
I know they were 20
725
00:36:30,771 --> 00:36:33,858
because when they jumped the fence
and hit the ground,
726
00:36:34,525 --> 00:36:35,735
no pain.
727
00:36:35,818 --> 00:36:37,862
[audience laughs]
728
00:36:37,945 --> 00:36:40,656
If that would've been
a 35-year-old with messed-up sciatica,
729
00:36:40,740 --> 00:36:42,783
he'd have thought twice about that fence.
730
00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:46,704
So, they jumped the fence,
went in the backyard,
731
00:36:46,787 --> 00:36:49,707
and they broke the window
and got in through the kitchen.
732
00:36:49,790 --> 00:36:52,460
They trashed my house.
733
00:36:52,543 --> 00:36:55,046
Okay, every drawer, open.
Every cabinet, open.
734
00:36:55,129 --> 00:36:58,925
Everything got pulled out onto the floor
so they could sift. Uh…
735
00:36:59,008 --> 00:37:01,552
Couches were flipped over,
cushions were thrown down,
736
00:37:01,636 --> 00:37:05,556
and they pulled
every single frame off the wall.
737
00:37:06,182 --> 00:37:10,061
And I asked the detective, I said,
"Hey, look. I understand the drawers,
738
00:37:10,144 --> 00:37:12,813
the cabinets, and even the couch thing."
739
00:37:12,897 --> 00:37:15,566
"But what's the story
with the frames on the wall?"
740
00:37:15,650 --> 00:37:19,153
"Why did they take everything
off the wall but didn't take any frames?"
741
00:37:19,237 --> 00:37:21,072
"Some of that stuff was art."
742
00:37:21,656 --> 00:37:24,367
[as cop] "Mr. Iglesias,
you have to understand something
743
00:37:24,450 --> 00:37:27,078
about these people
that broke into your home."
744
00:37:27,161 --> 00:37:30,873
"They were not looking for photos or art."
745
00:37:30,957 --> 00:37:34,168
"They were actually looking for a safe."
746
00:37:34,252 --> 00:37:36,796
I said, "A safe?"
[as cop] "Yes, sir. A safe."
747
00:37:36,879 --> 00:37:40,216
"A lot of times, in these homes,
people will put a hole in the wall,
748
00:37:40,299 --> 00:37:44,053
install a safe,
and then they'll hang a frame
749
00:37:44,136 --> 00:37:47,974
over the safe to disguise
that their valuables are in there."
750
00:37:48,057 --> 00:37:49,225
I said, "A safe?"
751
00:37:49,308 --> 00:37:52,103
- [audience chuckles]
- [as cop] "Sir, yes, a safe."
752
00:37:52,853 --> 00:37:54,897
[as self] "But I just got this money."
753
00:37:54,981 --> 00:37:57,441
[audience laughs]
754
00:37:57,525 --> 00:37:59,694
"Did they check the mattress?"
755
00:37:59,777 --> 00:38:01,362
[audience laughs]
756
00:38:01,445 --> 00:38:03,572
[as cop] "Don't know."
[as self] "Let's find out!"
757
00:38:04,573 --> 00:38:08,369
So, we walk into the master bedroom.
I grab the edge of the bed, right?
758
00:38:08,452 --> 00:38:10,579
And I picked it up, and I was like,
759
00:38:10,663 --> 00:38:12,415
"Ah, stupid!"
760
00:38:12,498 --> 00:38:14,500
[audience laughs]
761
00:38:20,756 --> 00:38:22,091
"It's all here."
762
00:38:23,426 --> 00:38:25,511
Oh my God. These guys had no idea
763
00:38:25,594 --> 00:38:27,847
they were robbing somebody
more ghetto than them.
764
00:38:27,930 --> 00:38:29,307
[audience laughs]
765
00:38:31,726 --> 00:38:33,894
So, at the end of it, they only got
766
00:38:33,978 --> 00:38:36,647
a couple of little trinkets
from the drawers.
767
00:38:36,731 --> 00:38:39,150
Um, and that's pretty much it.
768
00:38:39,233 --> 00:38:40,735
They made a mess of the house.
769
00:38:40,818 --> 00:38:42,862
They didn't get any of the money.
770
00:38:42,945 --> 00:38:45,239
I'll tell you what they did get.
771
00:38:45,323 --> 00:38:46,782
They got my guns.
772
00:38:46,866 --> 00:38:48,868
[audience exclaims]
773
00:38:48,951 --> 00:38:50,536
Now…
774
00:38:51,037 --> 00:38:55,291
I have never been open about the fact
775
00:38:55,374 --> 00:39:01,005
that I am, in fact,
a registered gun owner.
776
00:39:01,088 --> 00:39:03,632
[audience cheers]
777
00:39:07,845 --> 00:39:09,638
Relax, Florida.
778
00:39:09,722 --> 00:39:11,724
[audience laughs]
779
00:39:13,934 --> 00:39:16,937
I've never been open about it
because, quite frankly,
780
00:39:17,021 --> 00:39:18,939
it's nobody's business.
781
00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:20,399
Okay?
782
00:39:21,192 --> 00:39:25,529
However, it does pertain to the story
that I'm about to share with you.
783
00:39:25,613 --> 00:39:29,367
Um, I am a recent gun owner.
784
00:39:29,450 --> 00:39:32,995
I became a gun owner in 2020, m'kay?
785
00:39:33,079 --> 00:39:35,289
Uh, yeah, when we were in the middle of…
786
00:39:35,373 --> 00:39:36,415
[loudly] …it.
787
00:39:36,499 --> 00:39:37,833
[audience laughs]
788
00:39:37,917 --> 00:39:41,212
Every morning watching the news,
we didn't know what was gonna happen,
789
00:39:41,295 --> 00:39:45,299
and it started to feel irresponsible,
790
00:39:45,383 --> 00:39:50,346
not preparing myself
for a worst-case situation.
791
00:39:50,429 --> 00:39:52,473
Every morning watching the news,
792
00:39:52,556 --> 00:39:55,601
it felt like we were headed
towards the Purge.
793
00:39:55,684 --> 00:39:57,061
[audience chuckles]
794
00:39:57,728 --> 00:40:00,022
Some of you are laughing,
but think about this,
795
00:40:00,106 --> 00:40:02,691
the Purge would have taken less time.
796
00:40:02,775 --> 00:40:05,069
[audience chuckles]
797
00:40:05,152 --> 00:40:06,445
Yeah, the Purge.
798
00:40:06,529 --> 00:40:10,574
That's how they should've woke us up,
at least for entertainment purposes.
799
00:40:11,409 --> 00:40:13,536
[imitates alarm sounding]
800
00:40:18,165 --> 00:40:21,335
[feminine voice] "I'd like to thank you
for your participation in the pandemic."
801
00:40:21,419 --> 00:40:25,214
"The local time is 7:45 a.m."
802
00:40:27,466 --> 00:40:29,051
[moans seductively]
803
00:40:29,135 --> 00:40:31,137
[audience laughs]
804
00:40:34,056 --> 00:40:37,726
Fear is why I decided to buy a gun.
805
00:40:37,810 --> 00:40:40,312
I was afraid,
and I got no problem saying that.
806
00:40:40,396 --> 00:40:41,272
I was scared.
807
00:40:41,355 --> 00:40:43,232
We didn't know what was gonna happen.
808
00:40:43,315 --> 00:40:45,776
Um, it's only for protection.
809
00:40:45,860 --> 00:40:48,028
I don't hunt.
810
00:40:48,529 --> 00:40:52,283
I don't want to hunt. I don't need to.
I know where there's three Chick-fil-As.
811
00:40:52,366 --> 00:40:53,868
[audience laughs]
812
00:40:53,951 --> 00:40:54,827
I'm good.
813
00:40:55,661 --> 00:40:57,329
I don't go out on the weekends, you know?
814
00:40:57,413 --> 00:40:59,457
Pull! [imitates rifle firing]
815
00:40:59,540 --> 00:41:00,666
There's no…
816
00:41:00,749 --> 00:41:02,168
[quacking]
817
00:41:02,251 --> 00:41:04,628
I still own a Nintendo.
I don't need that shit.
818
00:41:06,505 --> 00:41:10,259
Fear is the only reason
why I decided to buy a gun.
819
00:41:10,342 --> 00:41:12,761
So, I wound up
at this sporting goods store
820
00:41:12,845 --> 00:41:14,013
right by my house.
821
00:41:14,096 --> 00:41:18,350
I walk in there, and this place
is packed full of people
822
00:41:18,434 --> 00:41:23,481
that normally would not have been open
to the idea of owning a gun,
823
00:41:23,564 --> 00:41:24,690
but they felt like me.
824
00:41:24,773 --> 00:41:26,692
They were scared, and rightfully so.
825
00:41:26,775 --> 00:41:30,279
I kept hearing the same conversation
over and over and over.
826
00:41:30,362 --> 00:41:31,947
I kept hearing this…
827
00:41:32,031 --> 00:41:36,368
"I would rather have a gun and not need it
828
00:41:36,452 --> 00:41:40,956
than need it and not have it."
829
00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:43,417
[audience cheers]
830
00:41:43,501 --> 00:41:45,753
[audience applauds]
831
00:41:45,836 --> 00:41:51,759
And I don't care where you're from,
that makes a lot of sense.
832
00:41:51,842 --> 00:41:58,015
And I was not about to let politics
interfere with my personal safety.
833
00:41:58,098 --> 00:41:59,558
So, next thing you know…
834
00:41:59,642 --> 00:42:01,936
[audience cheers]
835
00:42:02,019 --> 00:42:05,481
So, next thing you know, I got in line.
I had to get a ticket with a number
836
00:42:05,564 --> 00:42:07,816
like when you're at the DMV
or meat market.
837
00:42:07,900 --> 00:42:09,068
[in Spanish] The butcher shop.
838
00:42:10,110 --> 00:42:12,821
The bodega. "Number five!"
839
00:42:14,448 --> 00:42:15,824
[in English] I got in line.
840
00:42:15,908 --> 00:42:19,119
Forty-five minutes, I waited in line.
841
00:42:20,246 --> 00:42:22,998
And as soon as I get to the front,
this guy comes to the counter,
842
00:42:23,082 --> 00:42:25,834
and he's like… [in Southern accent]
"How can I help you, son?"
843
00:42:26,919 --> 00:42:28,254
[as self] "Well, um…"
844
00:42:28,337 --> 00:42:32,216
By the way, I heard some of you chuckle,
and just so we're clear,
845
00:42:32,299 --> 00:42:37,137
I'm not saying that… all people
846
00:42:38,722 --> 00:42:40,724
[sighs] …who sell guns…
847
00:42:40,808 --> 00:42:42,810
[audience laughs]
848
00:42:44,937 --> 00:42:46,146
…talk like that.
849
00:42:46,230 --> 00:42:47,856
[audience laughs]
850
00:42:49,275 --> 00:42:50,359
But his name was Jim.
851
00:42:50,442 --> 00:42:52,945
[audience laughs]
852
00:42:53,028 --> 00:42:55,698
So, Jim was like,
"How can I help you, son?"
853
00:42:56,323 --> 00:42:59,743
"Well, I'm here to see about purchasing
my first firearm."
854
00:42:59,827 --> 00:43:02,204
"Well, you've come to the right place.
Know what you want?"
855
00:43:02,288 --> 00:43:03,372
"Or you need a hand?"
856
00:43:03,455 --> 00:43:06,083
[as self] "I've had some time
to look at your selection,
857
00:43:06,166 --> 00:43:08,544
and I think I found something
that's gonna work for me."
858
00:43:08,627 --> 00:43:10,421
[as Jim] "All right.
Show me what you got."
859
00:43:10,504 --> 00:43:13,632
"Okay, right over here in the case."
"This one?" "Yeah, right here."
860
00:43:13,716 --> 00:43:15,718
"This one.
The one right here, in the front."
861
00:43:15,801 --> 00:43:17,595
"This one?" "No. Not that one. This one."
862
00:43:17,678 --> 00:43:21,307
"This one?" "No. This one. Not that one."
"This one?" "No. The one in front."
863
00:43:21,390 --> 00:43:24,935
"With the tag. The tag. Right here.
The one that says two-two."
864
00:43:25,019 --> 00:43:27,021
[audience laughs]
865
00:43:32,985 --> 00:43:36,113
[as Jim] "Um, sir,
did you just call that gun…
866
00:43:39,033 --> 00:43:40,242
a 'tutu'?"
867
00:43:40,326 --> 00:43:41,827
[audience laughs]
868
00:43:44,872 --> 00:43:46,874
[as self] "Yeah. What?"
869
00:43:47,374 --> 00:43:49,585
"Ji… Jim, right? Jim? Jim."
870
00:43:49,668 --> 00:43:52,171
"Don't look at me like I'm crazy, dude.
I'm just reading the tag."
871
00:43:52,254 --> 00:43:55,341
"It says it right here.
In the front. It says two-two."
872
00:43:57,051 --> 00:43:58,969
[as Jim] "You mean a .22?"
873
00:44:00,721 --> 00:44:04,558
[as self] "Well, yeah.
I guess. Two-two, .22, same thing."
874
00:44:05,059 --> 00:44:07,936
[as Jim] "Son, I hate to break it to you,
but there's a big difference
875
00:44:08,020 --> 00:44:11,523
between a tutu and a .22."
876
00:44:12,149 --> 00:44:15,486
"But hey, this is California,
so whatever floats your boat, son."
877
00:44:15,569 --> 00:44:16,403
"All right?"
878
00:44:16,487 --> 00:44:18,238
[audience laughs]
879
00:44:18,322 --> 00:44:23,911
"Now, is there any particular reason
why you have selected a, uh… a 'tutu'?"
880
00:44:23,994 --> 00:44:26,246
[audience laughs]
881
00:44:26,330 --> 00:44:30,334
[as self] "Well, um, as impressive
as your selection of guns here is,
882
00:44:30,417 --> 00:44:32,753
I recognize a lot of them from movies."
883
00:44:32,836 --> 00:44:34,171
"It's a bit much for me."
884
00:44:34,254 --> 00:44:35,464
"Um, I'm very simple."
885
00:44:35,547 --> 00:44:37,966
"Um, this gun looks very manageable."
886
00:44:38,050 --> 00:44:40,844
"It's small and, you know, it looks easy."
887
00:44:40,928 --> 00:44:42,429
"Plus, it's on sale."
888
00:44:43,430 --> 00:44:46,392
"You know what I mean?
Come on, man. A gun's a gun, right?"
889
00:44:47,309 --> 00:44:50,437
[audience laughs]
890
00:44:52,106 --> 00:44:53,273
[as Jim] "Not exactly."
891
00:44:54,316 --> 00:44:56,527
[as self] "Is this not a good choice?"
892
00:44:56,610 --> 00:45:00,531
[as Jim] "Son, you want my opinion,
or you want to buy and be done with it?"
893
00:45:00,614 --> 00:45:02,908
[as self] "No, please tell me
if I'm making a mistake."
894
00:45:02,991 --> 00:45:08,414
"Is… is a… a .22 a good gun or a bad gun?"
895
00:45:08,497 --> 00:45:11,792
[as Jim] "Son, in my personal opinion,
you're better off tickling him,
896
00:45:11,875 --> 00:45:13,419
as far as I'm concerned."
897
00:45:13,502 --> 00:45:14,753
[audience laughs]
898
00:45:14,837 --> 00:45:17,798
"All you're gonna do is aggravate
the situation."
899
00:45:19,591 --> 00:45:22,720
"You're just gonna piss him off
is what I'm trying to tell you."
900
00:45:24,054 --> 00:45:26,140
[as self] "Well,
listen to my thought process."
901
00:45:26,223 --> 00:45:29,101
"My whole idea for the gun is,
I'm gonna use the gun
902
00:45:29,184 --> 00:45:31,061
more so like as a deterrent."
903
00:45:31,145 --> 00:45:35,566
"So if somebody breaks into the house,
they're gonna see this big bald Mexican
904
00:45:35,649 --> 00:45:38,277
holding a gun,
and then they're gonna think twice
905
00:45:38,360 --> 00:45:40,487
and then rob my neighbors instead."
906
00:45:41,739 --> 00:45:44,908
[as Jim] "Son, if somebody breaks
into your house and they have a gun,
907
00:45:44,992 --> 00:45:46,869
they're gonna know you're holding a .22."
908
00:45:46,952 --> 00:45:50,664
"And I'll tell you what's gon' happen.
They're gon' take it from ya."
909
00:45:50,748 --> 00:45:52,166
[audience laughs]
910
00:45:52,249 --> 00:45:55,085
"And they're gonna beat
the holy hell outta you with it. Right?"
911
00:45:56,003 --> 00:45:58,088
"And the beating
you're gon' get from a .22
912
00:45:58,172 --> 00:46:01,508
is gonna hurt a hell of a lot more
than the bullets out of a .22."
913
00:46:01,592 --> 00:46:02,968
"That's for damn sure."
914
00:46:03,051 --> 00:46:05,053
[audience applauds]
915
00:46:06,221 --> 00:46:11,727
"Now, listen, I don't know you,
but I think I know your situation."
916
00:46:11,810 --> 00:46:13,270
"And correct me if I'm wrong."
917
00:46:13,353 --> 00:46:16,148
"You want to protect your home?"
[as self] "Yes."
918
00:46:16,231 --> 00:46:17,566
[as Jim] "Your family?"
919
00:46:17,649 --> 00:46:20,235
[as self] "Yes."
[as Jim] "Your valuables?"
920
00:46:20,319 --> 00:46:22,321
[as self] "Yes."
[as Jim] "All right, follow me."
921
00:46:22,821 --> 00:46:24,656
"I think I got just what you need
right here."
922
00:46:24,740 --> 00:46:25,783
"M'kay?"
923
00:46:25,866 --> 00:46:30,579
"You see this right here?
This here's a 9 millimeter to start."
924
00:46:30,662 --> 00:46:32,289
- [crowd cheers]
- "Okay?"
925
00:46:32,998 --> 00:46:35,959
"A 9 millimeter is a solid firearm."
926
00:46:36,043 --> 00:46:39,797
"Two to the chest,
that man is going down, ten out of ten."
927
00:46:39,880 --> 00:46:41,965
[audience laughs]
928
00:46:42,049 --> 00:46:46,720
"However, I got this special
military-grade ammunition over here."
929
00:46:48,138 --> 00:46:49,848
"I got this here bullet."
930
00:46:50,432 --> 00:46:51,850
"It's called a spreader."
931
00:46:52,893 --> 00:46:55,270
"Yeah, it's what I used to call my ex."
932
00:46:55,354 --> 00:46:57,189
[audience laughs]
933
00:46:57,272 --> 00:46:59,483
"She was a real pistol too,
let me tell you."
934
00:46:59,566 --> 00:47:02,444
"That's why I had to move to California.
She'll never find me here."
935
00:47:02,528 --> 00:47:05,823
"So, this bullet,
when it comes out the chamber,
936
00:47:05,906 --> 00:47:06,949
it opens up."
937
00:47:07,449 --> 00:47:13,497
"And when it hits,
it'll leave a hole about yay big."
938
00:47:14,289 --> 00:47:17,584
And stupid me, I said this, I said,
939
00:47:17,668 --> 00:47:19,002
"People survive that?"
940
00:47:19,086 --> 00:47:21,964
[audience laughs]
941
00:47:22,047 --> 00:47:23,257
[as Jim] "Survive?"
942
00:47:24,299 --> 00:47:25,634
"Survive?"
943
00:47:26,552 --> 00:47:28,303
"Son, you don't want 'em to survive."
944
00:47:28,387 --> 00:47:31,723
"You want 'em dead as fried chicken,
as far as I'm concerned."
945
00:47:31,807 --> 00:47:34,601
[audience applauds]
946
00:47:34,685 --> 00:47:37,437
I said, "I don't want anybody to die."
947
00:47:38,313 --> 00:47:40,524
[as Jim] "You don't want anybody to die?!"
948
00:47:41,024 --> 00:47:42,484
"You guys hear that?"
949
00:47:42,568 --> 00:47:45,904
"You hear that?
He don't want anybody to die!"
950
00:47:45,988 --> 00:47:48,949
"Yeah! Oh yeah,
you know who he voted for."
951
00:47:49,032 --> 00:47:51,034
[audience laughs]
952
00:47:55,622 --> 00:47:58,750
[as Jim] "Look here, Tutu,
you're stressin' me the hell out, man."
953
00:47:59,501 --> 00:48:03,046
"I wanna help you, but you gotta want
to help yourself, so listen."
954
00:48:04,339 --> 00:48:07,342
"I'mma do everything in my power
to get through this. Um…"
955
00:48:09,678 --> 00:48:11,930
"I'mma paint a picture for you, m'kay?"
956
00:48:12,431 --> 00:48:13,849
"You're home."
957
00:48:14,349 --> 00:48:16,602
"Someone breaks into your home."
958
00:48:17,644 --> 00:48:18,645
"They have a gun."
959
00:48:19,229 --> 00:48:20,230
"You have a gun."
960
00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:25,110
"You have already told this person
to leave or you will shoot,
961
00:48:25,193 --> 00:48:26,862
and they're not leavin'."
962
00:48:26,945 --> 00:48:29,031
"Matter of fact,
they're doing the opposite."
963
00:48:29,114 --> 00:48:32,284
"They're getting closer
and closer and closer and closer."
964
00:48:32,367 --> 00:48:35,162
"Now they're so close,
you can see the whites of their eyes."
965
00:48:35,245 --> 00:48:38,040
"This individual is standing directly
in front of you."
966
00:48:38,123 --> 00:48:39,625
"You can see each other."
967
00:48:40,125 --> 00:48:43,962
"This individual is prepared to do
whatever it takes
968
00:48:44,046 --> 00:48:49,217
to leave with whatever they want,
including taking your life."
969
00:48:49,301 --> 00:48:53,096
"My question to you is,
are you prepared to do the same?"
970
00:48:53,180 --> 00:48:56,475
"Are you willing to protect your family,
your home, your valuables,
971
00:48:56,558 --> 00:48:59,770
and most importantly,
yourself, in this situation?"
972
00:48:59,853 --> 00:49:01,438
"What are you gonna do?"
973
00:49:01,521 --> 00:49:03,523
[audience cheers]
974
00:49:05,651 --> 00:49:07,152
[as self] "First of all, bro."
975
00:49:07,235 --> 00:49:09,404
[audience chuckles]
976
00:49:09,488 --> 00:49:11,949
"You should sell,
like, life insurance, man, 'cause…"
977
00:49:12,032 --> 00:49:12,991
[audience laughs]
978
00:49:13,075 --> 00:49:15,994
"You're missing your calling.
I felt that. I felt it."
979
00:49:16,745 --> 00:49:17,871
Um…
980
00:49:19,081 --> 00:49:23,710
"If I'm cornered like that,
and I have absolutely no choice,
981
00:49:23,794 --> 00:49:25,754
and my life is in danger,
982
00:49:25,837 --> 00:49:29,716
I promise you, Jim, I will step up, man,
and I will shoot them right in the leg."
983
00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:30,634
"I will."
984
00:49:30,717 --> 00:49:31,802
[audience laughs]
985
00:49:36,223 --> 00:49:40,769
[as Jim] "You think you're gonna hit
the leg, Mr. First-Time Gun Owner?"
986
00:49:41,603 --> 00:49:44,106
[as self] "Hey, if I buy that bullet
you're trying to sell me,
987
00:49:44,189 --> 00:49:47,317
that covers that much,
up close, I can hit a leg."
988
00:49:48,694 --> 00:49:51,738
"Two steps closer, I'll shoot him
in the huevos. I will, dude."
989
00:49:52,239 --> 00:49:55,242
"I'll hit a pelota.
I will. No more babies, man."
990
00:49:55,325 --> 00:49:58,954
[as Jim] "All right. All right.
You don't gotta get graphic on me, now."
991
00:50:00,038 --> 00:50:02,916
"Son, you know what's gonna happen
if you shoot someone in your home,
992
00:50:03,000 --> 00:50:06,169
in the leg, and they live?"
993
00:50:06,253 --> 00:50:07,546
[as self] "Yeah. I know."
994
00:50:07,629 --> 00:50:11,091
"I'm gonna sleep better,
knowing I didn't take a life
995
00:50:11,174 --> 00:50:14,720
and I was able to protect my home,
my family, and my stuff."
996
00:50:14,803 --> 00:50:16,388
"That's what's gonna happen."
997
00:50:17,681 --> 00:50:18,724
[as Jim] Ah.
998
00:50:19,850 --> 00:50:22,269
"Clearly, you're a Disney fan."
999
00:50:22,352 --> 00:50:24,354
[audience laughs]
1000
00:50:25,147 --> 00:50:28,817
[as Jim] "That's about the biggest fantasy
I've ever heard, right there."
1001
00:50:29,443 --> 00:50:32,237
"Son, I would ask you
if you knew, but clearly, you don't,
1002
00:50:32,320 --> 00:50:35,032
so I'm not gonna waste my time
spinnin' my wheels on this one."
1003
00:50:35,115 --> 00:50:37,451
"I'm just gonna call it like it is."
1004
00:50:37,534 --> 00:50:42,664
"If you shoot someone
in your home and they live,
1005
00:50:42,748 --> 00:50:47,919
they can come back and sue your ass."
1006
00:50:48,670 --> 00:50:50,839
"That's right. Now, here's the kicker."
1007
00:50:51,423 --> 00:50:52,841
"They're gonna win."
1008
00:50:53,633 --> 00:50:55,594
"That's right. They're gonna win."
1009
00:50:56,344 --> 00:50:59,222
"And not only are they gonna get
everything they wanted to get
1010
00:50:59,306 --> 00:51:03,310
when they first broke in,
when it's all said and done,
1011
00:51:03,393 --> 00:51:08,440
you are gonna cut them a big fat check."
1012
00:51:08,523 --> 00:51:11,068
"Now, what do you got to say about that?"
1013
00:51:11,651 --> 00:51:13,612
I said, "That motherfucker's gonna die!"
1014
00:51:13,695 --> 00:51:14,780
[audience laughs]
1015
00:51:14,863 --> 00:51:16,865
[audience cheering and clapping]
1016
00:51:24,039 --> 00:51:24,998
He got excited.
1017
00:51:25,082 --> 00:51:26,666
[as Jim] "Now, we're talkin'!"
1018
00:51:28,293 --> 00:51:30,045
I found out something that day.
1019
00:51:30,128 --> 00:51:35,300
I found out that people that sell guns
are a lot like people that sell used cars.
1020
00:51:36,259 --> 00:51:40,097
They play on your emotions,
and then they start to upsell you
1021
00:51:40,180 --> 00:51:43,266
and make you buy things
you don't want or need.
1022
00:51:43,850 --> 00:51:47,562
He knew I was scared
because he kept saying it to me.
1023
00:51:47,646 --> 00:51:49,022
[as Jim] "I know you're scared."
1024
00:51:49,106 --> 00:51:52,442
"You're scared, and your fears.
You're worried. You're scared."
1025
00:51:52,526 --> 00:51:55,779
Every time he'd say "scared,"
something else appeared on the counter.
1026
00:51:55,862 --> 00:51:57,656
[audience laughs]
1027
00:51:57,739 --> 00:52:03,370
He sold me so well
that when he was done "selling me,"
1028
00:52:03,453 --> 00:52:06,039
I wound up with four rifles…
1029
00:52:06,123 --> 00:52:07,457
[audience laughs]
1030
00:52:07,541 --> 00:52:10,043
…and four handguns
1031
00:52:10,836 --> 00:52:15,382
and a case… a case of spreader ammunition.
1032
00:52:15,465 --> 00:52:17,384
[audience chuckles]
1033
00:52:17,467 --> 00:52:19,761
I hear some of you clapping, and why?
1034
00:52:20,929 --> 00:52:22,597
It's excessive.
1035
00:52:22,681 --> 00:52:24,349
I only have two hands.
1036
00:52:24,432 --> 00:52:25,809
[audience laughs]
1037
00:52:26,434 --> 00:52:31,648
See, I feel, again,
even though my home was burglarized,
1038
00:52:31,731 --> 00:52:37,320
I feel grateful because I wasn't there
and I had my dogs with me.
1039
00:52:37,404 --> 00:52:40,782
I can't replace my dogs.
I can't replace me.
1040
00:52:40,866 --> 00:52:42,450
[audience cheering]
1041
00:52:42,534 --> 00:52:43,702
Stuff is stuff.
1042
00:52:45,620 --> 00:52:50,584
However, if I would have been home,
I would have done whatever I needed to do.
1043
00:52:50,667 --> 00:52:53,962
That's the difference. In this situation,
there's two kinds of people.
1044
00:52:54,045 --> 00:52:58,383
One, people like me, had the guns,
had the ammo, glad they weren't there,
1045
00:52:58,466 --> 00:53:01,887
but if they were there,
they would've done something about it.
1046
00:53:01,970 --> 00:53:03,555
'Cause if I was in bed and I heard the…
1047
00:53:03,638 --> 00:53:04,806
[imitates crashing]
1048
00:53:04,890 --> 00:53:07,142
…I would've jumped up. [grunting]
1049
00:53:07,225 --> 00:53:09,561
I would've grabbed my gun.
[imitates gun cocking]
1050
00:53:09,644 --> 00:53:13,356
I would've ran out into the living room
with no shirt on and one sock off.
1051
00:53:13,440 --> 00:53:14,733
[audience laughs]
1052
00:53:14,816 --> 00:53:16,651
I'd have confronted the person.
1053
00:53:16,735 --> 00:53:17,986
"Freeze!"
1054
00:53:19,112 --> 00:53:20,280
Knowing my luck…
1055
00:53:22,157 --> 00:53:24,534
[audience chuckles]
1056
00:53:25,493 --> 00:53:26,786
[as burglar] "Fluffy?"
1057
00:53:28,455 --> 00:53:29,998
[as self] "I said, freeze!"
1058
00:53:31,166 --> 00:53:34,085
[as burglar] "Oh, you're funny.
You're funny, bro."
1059
00:53:34,961 --> 00:53:37,714
"You're funny."
[as self] "Get on the ground!"
1060
00:53:37,797 --> 00:53:39,591
[as burglar] "Oh!"
1061
00:53:40,800 --> 00:53:42,510
[as self] "Don't make me shoot you."
1062
00:53:42,594 --> 00:53:44,262
[as burglar] "Ah, hey!"
1063
00:53:44,346 --> 00:53:45,513
[exclaims]
1064
00:53:46,598 --> 00:53:51,061
"Hey, Beto, get in here! Get in here!
You'll never guess whose house this is!"
1065
00:53:52,020 --> 00:53:53,313
The other guy runs in.
1066
00:53:53,396 --> 00:53:56,441
[as Beto] "Oh, hey.
Oh, hey. Oh, hey. Oh, hey."
1067
00:53:57,776 --> 00:53:59,277
"I grew up watching you."
1068
00:53:59,361 --> 00:54:01,363
[audience laughs and cheers]
1069
00:54:06,618 --> 00:54:10,455
Next thing you know, I'm autographing
things they're about to take.
1070
00:54:11,331 --> 00:54:13,333
[audience chuckles]
1071
00:54:17,629 --> 00:54:19,631
[mouthing inaudibly]
1072
00:54:26,972 --> 00:54:28,431
[audience laughs]
1073
00:54:29,683 --> 00:54:31,184
[continues mouthing]
1074
00:54:34,938 --> 00:54:36,940
[audience laughs]
1075
00:54:41,152 --> 00:54:44,739
So like I said, in this situation,
I feel like there's two kinds of people.
1076
00:54:44,823 --> 00:54:48,493
One, people like me.
Had the guns, had the ammunition.
1077
00:54:48,576 --> 00:54:50,996
Glad they weren't home,
but if they would have been home,
1078
00:54:51,079 --> 00:54:54,165
they would have done something about it.
That's one type of people.
1079
00:54:54,249 --> 00:55:00,130
The other kind of people are
the kind of people who cannot wait
1080
00:55:00,922 --> 00:55:03,717
for the opportunity
1081
00:55:04,426 --> 00:55:05,719
to…
1082
00:55:05,802 --> 00:55:07,470
- [scattered cheering]
- Oh.
1083
00:55:09,973 --> 00:55:11,391
Good. You're here.
1084
00:55:11,474 --> 00:55:13,476
[audience laughs]
1085
00:55:13,560 --> 00:55:17,105
The kind of people who cannot wait
for the opportunity
1086
00:55:17,188 --> 00:55:19,107
to confront an intruder
1087
00:55:19,190 --> 00:55:24,446
because you know you have way more guns
and ammunition than they do,
1088
00:55:24,529 --> 00:55:27,741
and you are prepared for war.
1089
00:55:27,824 --> 00:55:30,160
[audience cheers]
1090
00:55:32,537 --> 00:55:36,833
The kind of people who sit home at night
in the living room, in the dark,
1091
00:55:37,334 --> 00:55:38,335
holding their gun.
1092
00:55:39,252 --> 00:55:41,254
[audience laughs]
1093
00:55:43,506 --> 00:55:44,716
[imitates rifle cocking]
1094
00:55:45,884 --> 00:55:48,553
They leave the front door unlocked
to make it easier.
1095
00:55:48,636 --> 00:55:50,930
[audience laughs]
1096
00:55:51,014 --> 00:55:54,934
And people like that always have a friend
either across the street or across town.
1097
00:55:56,019 --> 00:55:58,188
"How is everything
over there on your side?"
1098
00:55:58,271 --> 00:56:01,066
[imitating radio static]
"It's all clear over here. How about you?"
1099
00:56:01,149 --> 00:56:04,027
"Yeah. Coast is clear.
Ten-four. Out." There.
1100
00:56:10,241 --> 00:56:11,409
This situation,
1101
00:56:12,410 --> 00:56:15,121
the break-in, left me traumatized.
1102
00:56:15,205 --> 00:56:18,500
I couldn't go back to living in the house
because I didn't feel safe.
1103
00:56:18,583 --> 00:56:20,752
It's just me and two chihuahuas.
1104
00:56:21,711 --> 00:56:22,670
Yeah, that's it.
1105
00:56:22,754 --> 00:56:26,007
I'm no longer with my son's mom,
and my son lives with his mom.
1106
00:56:26,091 --> 00:56:27,217
So, you know…
1107
00:56:27,300 --> 00:56:30,637
And by the way, I told my son Frankie
what happened, about the break-in,
1108
00:56:30,720 --> 00:56:32,305
and right away, right away,
1109
00:56:32,389 --> 00:56:35,600
"Oh, really?
They're lucky I wasn't there."
1110
00:56:35,683 --> 00:56:37,727
[audience chuckles]
1111
00:56:37,811 --> 00:56:40,188
I'm like, "Cálmate, John Wick."
1112
00:56:40,271 --> 00:56:42,440
[audience laughs]
1113
00:56:42,524 --> 00:56:43,900
"They would've kidnapped you."
1114
00:56:43,983 --> 00:56:46,069
"I would've had to pay double
to get you back."
1115
00:56:49,114 --> 00:56:52,242
I could not go back
to living at the house.
1116
00:56:52,325 --> 00:56:53,243
Again, it's just me.
1117
00:56:53,827 --> 00:56:56,704
So, I put the house up for sale.
1118
00:56:57,539 --> 00:56:58,957
Uh, yeah, I just couldn't.
1119
00:56:59,040 --> 00:57:04,129
And it was a big beautiful home
that you guys helped pay for. Thank you.
1120
00:57:04,212 --> 00:57:05,547
[audience chuckles]
1121
00:57:05,630 --> 00:57:06,714
It was nice.
1122
00:57:07,215 --> 00:57:08,341
Real nice.
1123
00:57:08,425 --> 00:57:10,927
Freaking four bathrooms.
1124
00:57:11,678 --> 00:57:14,180
Four bathrooms. Yeah.
1125
00:57:14,264 --> 00:57:15,765
One penis.
1126
00:57:15,849 --> 00:57:17,725
[audience laughs]
1127
00:57:17,809 --> 00:57:20,228
Even if I ran, I couldn't, you know…
1128
00:57:22,021 --> 00:57:26,359
I put the house up for sale,
and here's the dilemma that I faced.
1129
00:57:26,860 --> 00:57:30,447
I put it up for sale
before I had a new place to live
1130
00:57:30,530 --> 00:57:33,867
because I figured I'm on the road,
I'm always in a tour bus, a plane,
1131
00:57:33,950 --> 00:57:35,952
a hotel, always somewhere. I'm on the go.
1132
00:57:36,035 --> 00:57:39,581
I was just trying to get ahead of it
because when I first bought the house,
1133
00:57:39,664 --> 00:57:43,168
it was sitting on the market
for almost two years.
1134
00:57:43,251 --> 00:57:45,378
So I thought I had time.
1135
00:57:45,462 --> 00:57:49,299
What happened was it sold like that
1136
00:57:49,382 --> 00:57:52,343
because I had two people bidding
on the house at the same time
1137
00:57:52,427 --> 00:57:54,596
and they kept driving up the price.
1138
00:57:54,679 --> 00:57:57,390
And one of the people
trying to buy the house,
1139
00:57:57,474 --> 00:57:59,434
he wanted all of my furniture
1140
00:57:59,517 --> 00:58:02,604
and so my agent for the house goes,
"Gabriel, this is crazy."
1141
00:58:02,687 --> 00:58:04,606
"These two guys are bidding on your house,
1142
00:58:04,689 --> 00:58:08,568
and they want to give you
way more than what you're asking."
1143
00:58:08,651 --> 00:58:11,905
"One of them wants to give you
an extra $100,000
1144
00:58:11,988 --> 00:58:13,615
for all of your furniture."
1145
00:58:13,698 --> 00:58:15,617
"I suggest you take it."
1146
00:58:16,159 --> 00:58:22,040
And so, I did. I sold the house
with everything, except the mattress.
1147
00:58:22,123 --> 00:58:22,999
Everything.
1148
00:58:27,587 --> 00:58:28,922
The problem is
1149
00:58:30,632 --> 00:58:32,383
I don't have a house right now.
1150
00:58:34,052 --> 00:58:37,931
I don't have anywhere to live,
so technically, I'm, um…
1151
00:58:38,014 --> 00:58:40,016
[audience laughs]
1152
00:58:49,567 --> 00:58:51,528
Fuck it. I'm homeless. I don't care.
1153
00:58:51,611 --> 00:58:52,695
[audience cheers]
1154
00:58:52,779 --> 00:58:53,613
I'll say it.
1155
00:58:54,614 --> 00:58:55,657
I'll say it.
1156
00:58:56,950 --> 00:58:59,661
I'm not gonna be "unhoused."
I'm homeless right now.
1157
00:58:59,744 --> 00:59:00,703
They can't cancel me.
1158
00:59:00,787 --> 00:59:03,623
What are they gonna do?
Take my house? I don't have one. Ha!
1159
00:59:03,706 --> 00:59:04,666
[audience laughs]
1160
00:59:06,209 --> 00:59:08,586
So whatever. Mm.
1161
00:59:09,587 --> 00:59:13,299
But no, at this point,
at… at 47 years of age,
1162
00:59:13,383 --> 00:59:16,469
I don't need more stuff.
1163
00:59:16,970 --> 00:59:20,306
I'm happy that I do have stuff,
but I don't need it.
1164
00:59:20,390 --> 00:59:24,561
What I want more than anything else now
is better relationships.
1165
00:59:24,644 --> 00:59:28,856
Better friendships,
better people in my life,
1166
00:59:28,940 --> 00:59:31,526
that's what I want
more than anything else.
1167
00:59:33,653 --> 00:59:36,739
I announced in my last special
at Dodger Stadium
1168
00:59:36,823 --> 00:59:39,867
that I was no longer in a relationship.
1169
00:59:39,951 --> 00:59:43,037
And I thought that was the best place
to announce that
1170
00:59:43,121 --> 00:59:47,041
because I've been very open about my life,
my whole show is my life.
1171
00:59:47,125 --> 00:59:48,459
People kept asking about her.
1172
00:59:48,543 --> 00:59:50,962
So I thought that was the best place
to announce that.
1173
00:59:51,713 --> 00:59:53,256
You know what happens
1174
00:59:53,923 --> 00:59:58,553
when you tell 50,000 people
at a stadium that you're single
1175
00:59:58,636 --> 01:00:02,432
and then Netflix airs that
around the world?
1176
01:00:04,100 --> 01:00:09,480
I received thousands of "applications"
1177
01:00:10,356 --> 01:00:12,775
for the Fluffy fulfillment center.
1178
01:00:12,859 --> 01:00:13,901
Yes, I did.
1179
01:00:13,985 --> 01:00:16,237
[chime dings]
1180
01:00:16,321 --> 01:00:19,532
[Gabriel] That's right, Netflix.
Fluffy is hoein' out.
1181
01:00:19,616 --> 01:00:20,950
[audience chuckles]
1182
01:00:21,034 --> 01:00:24,287
It was incredible.
It was exciting. It was overwhelming,
1183
01:00:24,370 --> 01:00:29,208
And it was terrifying
because I didn't know what they wanted.
1184
01:00:29,292 --> 01:00:33,630
Um, well, I'm gonna tell you
that since announcing that I was single,
1185
01:00:33,713 --> 01:00:36,758
I've gone out on a few dates.
1186
01:00:36,841 --> 01:00:39,636
And, uh, yeah.
1187
01:00:40,762 --> 01:00:44,098
I don't want to say how many,
'cause I don't want your judgment.
1188
01:00:45,350 --> 01:00:47,769
[chuckles] "Fluffy's a whore."
1189
01:00:48,686 --> 01:00:50,647
[in English and Spanish] "He's nasty."
1190
01:00:51,230 --> 01:00:55,276
[in English] "He's like Santa
with all his ho ho hos, yeah."
1191
01:00:57,612 --> 01:00:59,238
I still want to go out.
1192
01:00:59,322 --> 01:01:01,949
I still want to have fun,
I want to make connections,
1193
01:01:02,033 --> 01:01:06,371
but unfortunately,
I don't trust people. I'm afraid.
1194
01:01:06,454 --> 01:01:11,584
I can meet people really easy,
but then I find out what they're up to,
1195
01:01:11,668 --> 01:01:13,378
and that sucks.
1196
01:01:13,461 --> 01:01:16,130
Um, my heart is guarded now.
1197
01:01:16,214 --> 01:01:17,090
Super guarded.
1198
01:01:17,173 --> 01:01:21,135
There's a wall and then a wall
and then a wall and a wall and a wall.
1199
01:01:21,219 --> 01:01:23,888
I'm like the only Mexican who likes walls.
1200
01:01:23,971 --> 01:01:25,390
[audience laughs]
1201
01:01:28,976 --> 01:01:31,562
So moving forward, I can tell you
1202
01:01:32,188 --> 01:01:35,525
I don't want to be
in another relationship.
1203
01:01:35,608 --> 01:01:37,235
I'm actually doing okay.
1204
01:01:37,318 --> 01:01:41,906
I still want to go out, but I don't want
to be in a committed relationship.
1205
01:01:41,989 --> 01:01:43,991
I… I don't. No.
1206
01:01:44,075 --> 01:01:46,285
- [man boos]
- [grunts]
1207
01:01:46,369 --> 01:01:47,745
What do you mean, "Boo"?
1208
01:01:48,830 --> 01:01:50,373
The fact that I'm being honest
1209
01:01:50,456 --> 01:01:52,750
about that I don't want
to be in a relationship,
1210
01:01:52,834 --> 01:01:55,044
I think there's something to be said
about that.
1211
01:01:55,128 --> 01:01:56,629
I could easily lie.
1212
01:01:56,713 --> 01:01:59,257
Meet someone,
say that we're boyfriend/girlfriend,
1213
01:01:59,340 --> 01:02:00,508
and have a thing.
1214
01:02:00,591 --> 01:02:04,011
But does it mean anything
if your behavior doesn't change?
1215
01:02:04,512 --> 01:02:05,847
I'm being up front and honest.
1216
01:02:05,930 --> 01:02:08,558
All I want… All I want… All I want, watch…
1217
01:02:08,641 --> 01:02:11,769
To the guy that booed me for saying
I don't want a relationship.
1218
01:02:12,353 --> 01:02:16,399
Raise your hand so I can…
Okay, you're famous, so…
1219
01:02:17,316 --> 01:02:19,193
- To you… What is your name?
- [man] Justin.
1220
01:02:19,277 --> 01:02:20,778
- Justin?
- Dustin.
1221
01:02:20,862 --> 01:02:22,071
Dustin. All right, Dustin.
1222
01:02:22,155 --> 01:02:23,614
Sorry for… "Dustin!"
1223
01:02:23,698 --> 01:02:26,534
Like, all right, "Chill, bitch." Yeah.
1224
01:02:29,036 --> 01:02:31,164
Yeah, right? Freakin' "'Murica."
1225
01:02:31,247 --> 01:02:32,498
[Gabriel and audience laugh]
1226
01:02:32,582 --> 01:02:34,000
All right, Dustin.
1227
01:02:35,042 --> 01:02:38,129
Me not wanting to be
in a traditional relationship
1228
01:02:38,212 --> 01:02:42,842
is a honest thing because,
uh, I can tell you,
1229
01:02:42,925 --> 01:02:47,013
I don't want to be in a situation
where I'm obligated to participate
1230
01:02:47,096 --> 01:02:50,475
in things that don't make me feel
like a good person.
1231
01:02:50,558 --> 01:02:54,353
And at the age of 47,
I'm tired of arguing,
1232
01:02:54,437 --> 01:02:57,523
yelling, feeling guilted,
feeling obligated,
1233
01:02:58,316 --> 01:02:59,859
not smiling more.
1234
01:03:00,693 --> 01:03:02,361
[audience cheers]
1235
01:03:02,445 --> 01:03:03,529
I'm good, man.
1236
01:03:03,613 --> 01:03:08,201
I… You know… But I still want to go out.
So I just want to be up front and honest.
1237
01:03:08,284 --> 01:03:12,330
All I need, Dustin,
watch, is someone to eat with.
1238
01:03:12,997 --> 01:03:14,999
[audience cheers]
1239
01:03:17,293 --> 01:03:18,711
Someone to drink with.
1240
01:03:20,546 --> 01:03:22,465
Someone to go to movies with.
1241
01:03:24,008 --> 01:03:25,885
And someone to cuddle with.
1242
01:03:25,968 --> 01:03:28,346
[audience cheers]
1243
01:03:28,429 --> 01:03:29,555
That's right.
1244
01:03:29,639 --> 01:03:31,766
And they don't even gotta be
the same person.
1245
01:03:31,849 --> 01:03:33,184
[audience laughs]
1246
01:03:33,267 --> 01:03:36,479
All I'm saying is sometimes
it takes a village. Okay?
1247
01:03:38,523 --> 01:03:42,068
Dustin, I would love to tell a woman,
"Hey, would you like to go see a movie?"
1248
01:03:42,151 --> 01:03:43,611
[as woman] "Yeah." Then we go.
1249
01:03:43,694 --> 01:03:45,696
After the movie's over,
I go, "What did you think?"
1250
01:03:45,780 --> 01:03:46,697
[as woman] "Good."
1251
01:03:46,781 --> 01:03:47,615
[as self] "Right?"
1252
01:03:47,698 --> 01:03:50,409
"Would you like to see another movie?"
[as woman] "Sure. When?"
1253
01:03:50,493 --> 01:03:51,369
[as self] "Next week?"
1254
01:03:51,452 --> 01:03:52,328
[as woman] "Good."
1255
01:03:52,411 --> 01:03:54,372
[as self] "Let's stay in touch.
See you next week."
1256
01:03:54,455 --> 01:03:57,291
"This is gonna be so cool.
You like rom-coms. I like rom-coms."
1257
01:03:57,375 --> 01:03:59,168
"You like horror movies. I like horror."
1258
01:03:59,252 --> 01:04:02,046
"This is gonna work. I like this.
I need this. [grunts] Can't wait."
1259
01:04:02,129 --> 01:04:04,549
So I say, "All right, gotta go."
And she gets weird.
1260
01:04:04,632 --> 01:04:06,592
[as woman] "Wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on."
1261
01:04:06,676 --> 01:04:09,011
"You gotta go?
I thought this was going good."
1262
01:04:09,095 --> 01:04:12,515
[as self] "It's going great.
We'll do more next week. This is cool."
1263
01:04:12,598 --> 01:04:14,350
[as woman] "But what's the rush?"
1264
01:04:14,433 --> 01:04:16,269
"Where are you headed? Where you going?"
1265
01:04:16,352 --> 01:04:17,520
[as self] "Um…"
1266
01:04:18,229 --> 01:04:22,316
"Uh, I'm about to call the cuddler. Why?"
1267
01:04:22,400 --> 01:04:24,360
[audience laughs]
1268
01:04:24,443 --> 01:04:27,572
[as woman] "The cuddler, what's that?"
[as self] "I got that covered."
1269
01:04:27,655 --> 01:04:30,408
"Okay, movies, that's your lane.
Stay in it, okay?"
1270
01:04:30,491 --> 01:04:34,245
"This is us. We're good.
Solid. You're the movie girl, okay?"
1271
01:04:35,663 --> 01:04:36,664
Now, Dustin.
1272
01:04:38,332 --> 01:04:39,584
I didn't tell her.
1273
01:04:40,585 --> 01:04:41,961
But I'm gonna tell you.
1274
01:04:43,254 --> 01:04:45,339
When it comes
to the department of cuddling,
1275
01:04:45,423 --> 01:04:48,676
and this is so crazy
because I've always been in a relationship
1276
01:04:48,759 --> 01:04:52,638
and I could never be this open and honest,
but now that I'm single,
1277
01:04:53,139 --> 01:04:55,725
these are Fluffy's flavors.
1278
01:04:55,808 --> 01:04:57,351
[audience laughs]
1279
01:04:57,435 --> 01:05:03,190
So, when it comes to the department
of cuddling, this is what I want.
1280
01:05:03,816 --> 01:05:05,943
I want a woman.
1281
01:05:07,320 --> 01:05:08,279
A woman.
1282
01:05:09,196 --> 01:05:10,031
A woman.
1283
01:05:11,115 --> 01:05:14,493
With original factory settings.
1284
01:05:14,577 --> 01:05:16,579
[audience laughs and cheers]
1285
01:05:18,289 --> 01:05:19,665
[speaks indistinctly]
1286
01:05:24,629 --> 01:05:29,425
This woman needs to be equal to,
or greater than,
1287
01:05:30,301 --> 01:05:32,053
in size.
1288
01:05:32,553 --> 01:05:34,639
She needs to be a big girl.
1289
01:05:34,722 --> 01:05:36,974
I prefer a big girl.
1290
01:05:37,058 --> 01:05:39,936
- I want a big girl.
- [audience cheers]
1291
01:05:40,019 --> 01:05:41,896
Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
1292
01:05:41,979 --> 01:05:45,983
This way, we both can agree
on the temperature of the thermostat.
1293
01:05:46,067 --> 01:05:48,819
[audience laughs and applauds]
1294
01:05:48,903 --> 01:05:51,530
And only big girls know
what I'm talkin' about.
1295
01:05:51,614 --> 01:05:52,865
[audience laughs]
1296
01:05:52,949 --> 01:05:57,453
See, I'm a big boy, and as a big boy,
I always run hot.
1297
01:05:57,536 --> 01:05:59,330
Heat affects my mood.
1298
01:05:59,413 --> 01:06:04,418
When I'm hot, Dustin, I become irritable,
cranky, my anxiety goes through the roof.
1299
01:06:04,502 --> 01:06:10,091
So for me to feel comfortable,
I like to set the room to 68 degrees.
1300
01:06:10,174 --> 01:06:11,008
Okay?
1301
01:06:11,092 --> 01:06:12,343
[audience cheers]
1302
01:06:12,426 --> 01:06:13,260
That's right.
1303
01:06:14,303 --> 01:06:16,973
And only a big girl
can truly appreciate that.
1304
01:06:18,391 --> 01:06:20,726
Skinny women, not so much.
1305
01:06:21,394 --> 01:06:27,358
And let me tell you, I am tired
of disappointing, skinny, cold women.
1306
01:06:27,441 --> 01:06:28,401
[audience laughs]
1307
01:06:28,484 --> 01:06:31,821
Skinny, cold women are mean.
1308
01:06:32,697 --> 01:06:35,866
They're mean.
They don't want it at freakin' 68 degrees.
1309
01:06:35,950 --> 01:06:37,994
No, they want 72, 73, 74.
1310
01:06:38,077 --> 01:06:40,121
[in Spanish] You're killing me. No!
1311
01:06:40,955 --> 01:06:44,458
[in English] But I can't do that to them.
I can't put them in 68 degrees.
1312
01:06:44,542 --> 01:06:45,543
They get snippy.
1313
01:06:45,626 --> 01:06:49,046
They get evil. They're like,
"Oh my God. What's your problem?"
1314
01:06:49,130 --> 01:06:52,341
"It's so cold.
It's so cold. It's so cold."
1315
01:06:52,425 --> 01:06:55,594
- [as self] "Well, fuckin' eat something."
- [audience laughs]
1316
01:06:56,429 --> 01:06:58,055
"I'm tired of sweating."
1317
01:07:01,017 --> 01:07:01,892
But, yeah.
1318
01:07:02,727 --> 01:07:04,687
Anyway, Dustin, I apologize.
1319
01:07:04,770 --> 01:07:07,106
I wasn't trying to turn this
into a TED Talk.
1320
01:07:07,189 --> 01:07:09,316
[audience chuckles]
1321
01:07:09,400 --> 01:07:14,196
I don't want you to think
that I don't believe in love
1322
01:07:14,280 --> 01:07:18,034
because I do,
and anyone who can pull it off,
1323
01:07:18,117 --> 01:07:19,910
I commend you for it.
1324
01:07:19,994 --> 01:07:22,413
I have met so many couples over the years.
1325
01:07:22,496 --> 01:07:24,623
I've met 20-year couples,
1326
01:07:24,707 --> 01:07:27,126
30-year couples, 40-year couples,
1327
01:07:27,209 --> 01:07:28,502
50-year couples.
1328
01:07:28,586 --> 01:07:31,297
I met one 55.
1329
01:07:31,380 --> 01:07:33,507
- [audience cheers]
- Yeah. Yeah.
1330
01:07:33,591 --> 01:07:34,884
I call them unicorns.
1331
01:07:37,136 --> 01:07:38,387
I'll tell you the story.
1332
01:07:38,471 --> 01:07:40,556
I was in Savannah, Georgia.
1333
01:07:40,639 --> 01:07:45,436
And I had just finished filming
the second Magic Mike movie.
1334
01:07:46,062 --> 01:07:47,188
Now…
1335
01:07:47,271 --> 01:07:50,066
Yeah, I know.
For those of you that don't know,
1336
01:07:50,149 --> 01:07:52,276
I was in Magic Mike.
1337
01:07:52,359 --> 01:07:53,903
[audience cheers]
1338
01:07:53,986 --> 01:07:54,820
Yes.
1339
01:07:55,613 --> 01:07:57,740
I know. I was the only one
who didn't get naked.
1340
01:07:57,823 --> 01:07:58,866
[audience laughs]
1341
01:07:59,742 --> 01:08:02,787
Magic Mike, not Tragic Mike.
So, let's remember that, okay?
1342
01:08:03,579 --> 01:08:06,248
I was the only one
who didn't get naked. So, um…
1343
01:08:06,332 --> 01:08:09,168
Here's the thing,
after the movie, after we wrapped,
1344
01:08:09,251 --> 01:08:11,754
my manager, Joe,
tells me, he says, "Dude, man."
1345
01:08:11,837 --> 01:08:13,589
"Congratulations on another project."
1346
01:08:13,672 --> 01:08:15,758
"I want to take you out
for a steak dinner."
1347
01:08:15,841 --> 01:08:16,967
I said, "Let's go."
1348
01:08:17,051 --> 01:08:20,471
So he takes me to this restaurant called
Ruth's Chris Steak House.
1349
01:08:20,554 --> 01:08:23,265
Now, very popular chain
around the country.
1350
01:08:23,349 --> 01:08:24,809
We go there, we sit down,
1351
01:08:24,892 --> 01:08:27,978
and here comes the server
and the server's real bubbly.
1352
01:08:28,062 --> 01:08:32,233
"Hey, guys. What's going on?
Are we celebrating anything today?"
1353
01:08:32,316 --> 01:08:34,193
"Actually, yes, we are."
1354
01:08:34,276 --> 01:08:36,570
"Well, guess what?
You're not the only ones."
1355
01:08:36,654 --> 01:08:38,280
"You see that couple over there?"
1356
01:08:38,364 --> 01:08:43,077
"That couple is celebrating
55 years of marriage today."
1357
01:08:43,160 --> 01:08:44,787
And we're like, "What?"
1358
01:08:45,454 --> 01:08:46,288
So, we look.
1359
01:08:46,789 --> 01:08:47,832
[whoosh]
1360
01:08:47,915 --> 01:08:49,291
[audience chuckles]
1361
01:08:49,375 --> 01:08:51,627
I said, "How come they're not talking?"
1362
01:08:51,710 --> 01:08:53,671
[audience laughs]
1363
01:08:53,754 --> 01:08:55,256
[as server] "I wondered the same thing,
1364
01:08:55,339 --> 01:08:57,591
but the man made it a point
to say 55 years."
1365
01:08:57,675 --> 01:08:59,510
"I thought that was pretty impressive."
1366
01:08:59,593 --> 01:09:00,803
I go, "No, it is."
1367
01:09:00,886 --> 01:09:04,181
So he leaves to go get us some sodas
and some bread.
1368
01:09:04,265 --> 01:09:06,642
And I tell my manager,
I said, "Hey, Joe, listen."
1369
01:09:06,725 --> 01:09:08,686
"I'mma go say hi
to the couple real quick."
1370
01:09:08,769 --> 01:09:11,397
[as Joe] "Don't get us kicked out."
[as self] "I'm not gonna."
1371
01:09:11,480 --> 01:09:14,775
[as Joe] "Don't make it like last time."
[as self] "It's not gonna be."
1372
01:09:14,859 --> 01:09:20,823
So I get up, and I push in my chair,
and I make my way over to the couple.
1373
01:09:20,906 --> 01:09:25,744
Now, I understand how important
this night is for them.
1374
01:09:25,828 --> 01:09:30,499
I know exactly
how long it took to get to that point,
1375
01:09:30,583 --> 01:09:33,669
and I am not trying to mess that up.
1376
01:09:34,879 --> 01:09:36,130
But I have questions.
1377
01:09:36,213 --> 01:09:37,464
[audience chuckles]
1378
01:09:37,548 --> 01:09:42,469
And these two people are clearly
professionals in that department.
1379
01:09:43,470 --> 01:09:46,348
So I approached the table
as tactfully as I could.
1380
01:09:46,432 --> 01:09:48,601
And I said, "Pardon the interruption."
1381
01:09:49,226 --> 01:09:53,355
"It has come to my attention
that we are celebrating
1382
01:09:53,439 --> 01:09:56,192
55 years of marriage."
1383
01:09:56,275 --> 01:10:01,697
And the man was so happy that someone
acknowledged that. He was just thrilled.
1384
01:10:01,780 --> 01:10:02,865
He's like…
1385
01:10:02,948 --> 01:10:04,950
[breathing excitedly]
1386
01:10:07,870 --> 01:10:09,371
[as older man] "That's right, son."
1387
01:10:09,914 --> 01:10:12,124
"Fifty-five years ago today,
1388
01:10:15,961 --> 01:10:19,465
this lovely lady
sittin' next to me right here
1389
01:10:19,548 --> 01:10:25,054
said I do,
and we've been together ever since."
1390
01:10:25,137 --> 01:10:27,056
[as self] "That is beautiful."
1391
01:10:27,139 --> 01:10:28,766
"May I ask you a question?"
1392
01:10:32,645 --> 01:10:33,979
[as man] "Absolutely."
1393
01:10:35,814 --> 01:10:37,524
[as self] "How come you're not talking?"
1394
01:10:37,608 --> 01:10:38,525
[audience chuckles]
1395
01:10:41,987 --> 01:10:43,989
[laughs as older man]
1396
01:10:49,119 --> 01:10:52,122
"He wants to know how come we're…
Laugh, goddammit."
1397
01:10:52,206 --> 01:10:53,958
[audience laughs]
1398
01:10:58,462 --> 01:11:03,050
"Son, when you've been together
as long as the two of us have,
1399
01:11:03,133 --> 01:11:06,178
you might've seen a thing or two."
1400
01:11:06,262 --> 01:11:07,471
Uh, uh…
1401
01:11:07,554 --> 01:11:12,476
"We have children,
grandchildren, great-grandchildren."
1402
01:11:12,559 --> 01:11:17,398
"We have traveled this great big world
of ours many times over."
1403
01:11:17,481 --> 01:11:19,566
"We're both retired military."
1404
01:11:19,650 --> 01:11:23,487
"We have seen the best in people."
1405
01:11:23,570 --> 01:11:26,949
"And, unfortunately,
when you're around and alive
1406
01:11:27,032 --> 01:11:29,827
as long as the two of us have been, uh,
1407
01:11:29,910 --> 01:11:34,623
you've unfortunately seen
the worst in people as well."
1408
01:11:35,624 --> 01:11:41,463
"We have had
just about every type of conversation
1409
01:11:41,547 --> 01:11:42,673
there is to have.
1410
01:11:42,756 --> 01:11:45,426
[audience chuckles]
1411
01:11:45,509 --> 01:11:47,094
At least twice.
1412
01:11:47,177 --> 01:11:49,513
[audience laughs]
1413
01:11:49,596 --> 01:11:51,724
And after 55 years of marriage,
1414
01:11:51,807 --> 01:11:56,562
well, hell, we're just trying
to enjoy each other's company,
1415
01:11:56,645 --> 01:11:58,230
even if it's in silence."
1416
01:11:59,732 --> 01:12:05,696
I said, "You've had every type
of conversation there is to have?"
1417
01:12:05,779 --> 01:12:09,116
And I guess I triggered him,
because he was like,
1418
01:12:09,199 --> 01:12:10,367
"Look at me!"
1419
01:12:11,535 --> 01:12:12,619
"Look at me!"
1420
01:12:13,120 --> 01:12:14,913
"I've been in combat."
1421
01:12:15,789 --> 01:12:17,583
"Nothing can faze me."
1422
01:12:17,666 --> 01:12:19,877
"Nothing can surprise me anymore."
1423
01:12:21,503 --> 01:12:24,256
- [as self] "You don't say."
- [audience laughs]
1424
01:12:24,340 --> 01:12:28,886
So, I took a step towards them,
I grab my shirt, and I flash them.
1425
01:12:28,969 --> 01:12:30,679
[audience laughs]
1426
01:12:30,763 --> 01:12:32,348
And then I walked away.
1427
01:12:33,515 --> 01:12:35,267
And you know what happened next?
1428
01:12:35,351 --> 01:12:37,019
They started talking!
1429
01:12:37,102 --> 01:12:38,520
[audience laughs and cheers]
1430
01:12:39,313 --> 01:12:43,734
I gave that couple the greatest gift
they will never ever acknowledge.
1431
01:12:44,360 --> 01:12:47,654
Something new, something spontaneous,
something outrageous,
1432
01:12:47,738 --> 01:12:50,616
something neither one of them
had ever seen before.
1433
01:12:50,699 --> 01:12:52,284
I gave them a new story.
1434
01:12:52,368 --> 01:12:53,202
I promise you,
1435
01:12:53,285 --> 01:12:56,497
every year moving forward,
all they're gonna talk about is
1436
01:12:56,580 --> 01:12:58,832
what happened at 55.
1437
01:12:59,792 --> 01:13:03,295
[as older man] "Remember, honey.
Remember when that Samoan flashed us?"
1438
01:13:03,379 --> 01:13:05,255
[audience laughs]
1439
01:13:05,339 --> 01:13:06,340
Right.
1440
01:13:07,841 --> 01:13:09,134
'Cause I'm a giver.
1441
01:13:12,137 --> 01:13:14,306
I remember many, many years ago,
1442
01:13:14,390 --> 01:13:17,643
before there was a venue like this
to perform in,
1443
01:13:17,726 --> 01:13:21,355
the only place around here
for comedians to do shows
1444
01:13:21,438 --> 01:13:25,234
was at a comedy club
right outside these doors
1445
01:13:25,317 --> 01:13:28,695
that was part of the original layout
of the casino.
1446
01:13:28,779 --> 01:13:30,989
[audience cheers]
1447
01:13:31,073 --> 01:13:34,118
It was a club called The Improv.
There's a chain all over.
1448
01:13:34,618 --> 01:13:36,620
[audience cheers]
1449
01:13:38,163 --> 01:13:42,084
And, you know, many,
many years ago, before all of this,
1450
01:13:42,167 --> 01:13:45,045
that's where Martin
and myself, my buddy Alfred,
1451
01:13:45,129 --> 01:13:48,132
we'd go do shows at the… at the club.
1452
01:13:48,215 --> 01:13:51,885
And the first time we got a chance
to perform there,
1453
01:13:52,386 --> 01:13:54,346
I didn't really have a name.
1454
01:13:54,430 --> 01:13:56,348
I wasn't really established yet.
1455
01:13:56,432 --> 01:13:59,435
And I want to take this moment
to acknowledge and thank one person
1456
01:13:59,518 --> 01:14:02,146
who was super, super helpful in that,
1457
01:14:02,229 --> 01:14:05,524
a man by the name of DJ Laz.
1458
01:14:05,607 --> 01:14:07,609
[audience cheers]
1459
01:14:11,864 --> 01:14:14,324
That's right, people.
The Pimp with the Limp.
1460
01:14:15,075 --> 01:14:16,326
Oh, yeah, Papá. Yeah.
1461
01:14:16,410 --> 01:14:19,830
"It's your boy, DJ Laz."
I love him, man. He's great. He's awesome.
1462
01:14:19,913 --> 01:14:22,291
But yeah, he walks in circles. He does.
1463
01:14:22,374 --> 01:14:24,084
He walks in circles. Nice guy.
1464
01:14:24,168 --> 01:14:27,129
DJ Laz was one of the first people
1465
01:14:27,212 --> 01:14:31,216
to allow me to be
on morning radio with him,
1466
01:14:31,300 --> 01:14:33,594
and he helped promote my shows.
1467
01:14:33,677 --> 01:14:38,348
Not only would he allow me to go
on his show and promote my shows,
1468
01:14:38,432 --> 01:14:42,311
he would come to my shows,
and he would bring people,
1469
01:14:42,394 --> 01:14:45,022
and he'd watch and he'd sit
and hang out and laugh.
1470
01:14:45,105 --> 01:14:49,193
The man has a million things he can do
in Miami, but he'd come watch my show.
1471
01:14:49,276 --> 01:14:51,945
And then the next day,
"Papá, come on the radio with me."
1472
01:14:52,029 --> 01:14:53,655
"We're gonna talk about your show."
1473
01:14:53,739 --> 01:14:58,368
And he would help me sell out these shows
year after year after year.
1474
01:14:58,452 --> 01:14:59,703
So, Laz,
1475
01:15:00,454 --> 01:15:03,207
I know you're watching, Papá. Thank you.
1476
01:15:03,290 --> 01:15:04,791
This is part of you, Papá.
1477
01:15:04,875 --> 01:15:05,876
Muchas gracias.
1478
01:15:06,919 --> 01:15:07,753
Thank you.
1479
01:15:08,921 --> 01:15:09,963
Thank you.
1480
01:15:14,384 --> 01:15:16,845
But that was many years down the line.
1481
01:15:16,929 --> 01:15:18,639
In the beginning,
1482
01:15:18,722 --> 01:15:21,016
the first time I performed
at that comedy club,
1483
01:15:21,099 --> 01:15:24,186
right outside these doors,
that's no longer there…
1484
01:15:24,269 --> 01:15:27,439
Um, I'm talking to the marketing person.
1485
01:15:27,523 --> 01:15:31,109
Now, keep in mind, this is so long ago,
there was no social media.
1486
01:15:31,193 --> 01:15:34,571
There was no TikTok, no freaking Twitter,
no Facebook, none of that.
1487
01:15:34,655 --> 01:15:37,324
The only way you could
promote yourself back then was,
1488
01:15:37,407 --> 01:15:39,868
you had to get
on morning radio, morning news,
1489
01:15:39,952 --> 01:15:42,412
have somebody do a write-up on you
in the newspaper.
1490
01:15:42,496 --> 01:15:43,497
Remember those?
1491
01:15:44,039 --> 01:15:48,752
Yeah. And then, of course,
word-of-mouth, which is always the best.
1492
01:15:48,835 --> 01:15:51,255
Uh, they had posters at the comedy club.
1493
01:15:51,338 --> 01:15:54,174
And so, the marketing guy goes, "Gabriel."
1494
01:15:54,925 --> 01:15:57,094
"Help me help you help us."
1495
01:15:58,136 --> 01:16:02,266
"We want to sell tickets.
How do you want to be promoted?"
1496
01:16:02,349 --> 01:16:03,892
I said, "Well…"
1497
01:16:03,976 --> 01:16:05,477
Keep in mind, long time ago.
1498
01:16:05,561 --> 01:16:08,397
I said, "Um, this is how I want you
to promote my show."
1499
01:16:08,480 --> 01:16:10,023
"Please use a photo."
1500
01:16:10,524 --> 01:16:13,151
"Under the photo,
put my name, Gabriel Iglesias."
1501
01:16:13,235 --> 01:16:16,572
I didn't have the nickname Fluffy yet.
That's how long ago this was.
1502
01:16:16,655 --> 01:16:21,493
I said, "Underneath that,
please put, 'As seen on Comedy Central.'"
1503
01:16:21,577 --> 01:16:25,664
Because at the time,
that was the only television credit I had.
1504
01:16:25,747 --> 01:16:29,668
So the marketing guy goes,
"Well, I was thinking, what about,
1505
01:16:29,751 --> 01:16:34,006
'Gabriel Iglesias and his amigos'?"
1506
01:16:34,089 --> 01:16:35,382
[audience chuckles]
1507
01:16:39,803 --> 01:16:40,971
"'Amigos'?"
1508
01:16:42,055 --> 01:16:43,181
"Why 'amigos'?"
1509
01:16:43,265 --> 01:16:45,559
"Because I have other Mexicans with me?"
1510
01:16:46,143 --> 01:16:49,396
And he looked at me
and said, "Good. You get it."
1511
01:16:49,479 --> 01:16:51,607
[audience laughs]
1512
01:16:51,690 --> 01:16:56,737
[as self] "I don't like that. What about
'Gabriel Iglesias and friends'?"
1513
01:16:56,820 --> 01:16:59,281
"Well, we want to put
a couple of buzzwords out there
1514
01:16:59,364 --> 01:17:01,950
to let the community know
what type of show it is."
1515
01:17:02,034 --> 01:17:05,078
I said, "What type of show is it?"
[as guy] "It's a special show."
1516
01:17:05,162 --> 01:17:06,913
[as self] "I don't feel special."
1517
01:17:06,997 --> 01:17:10,208
[as guy] "Gabriel, hear me out.
What about like a taco Tuesday?"
1518
01:17:11,335 --> 01:17:14,254
[as self] "I don't like it."
[as guy] "Okay, what about salsa night?"
1519
01:17:14,755 --> 01:17:15,964
[as self] "Salsa night?"
1520
01:17:17,507 --> 01:17:19,468
"Wait, like dancing or chips and guac?"
1521
01:17:19,551 --> 01:17:20,552
[audience laughs]
1522
01:17:20,636 --> 01:17:22,262
"Either one, I don't like it."
1523
01:17:24,389 --> 01:17:26,808
I could not believe
I was having this conversation,
1524
01:17:26,892 --> 01:17:28,477
and I wanted to get upset.
1525
01:17:28,560 --> 01:17:30,020
I wanted to go off on this guy
1526
01:17:30,103 --> 01:17:32,731
for trying to make me feel
like less of a person, right?
1527
01:17:32,814 --> 01:17:36,860
But I didn't, because I knew
that if I went off on them,
1528
01:17:36,943 --> 01:17:39,029
I would have been seen as difficult.
1529
01:17:39,112 --> 01:17:41,114
I would have been seen as a problem,
1530
01:17:41,198 --> 01:17:44,868
and I would not have been given
another opportunity to come back.
1531
01:17:44,951 --> 01:17:47,996
When people ask me,
"What do you credit for your success?"
1532
01:17:48,080 --> 01:17:51,249
Of course, talent,
showing up, doing what you gotta do.
1533
01:17:51,333 --> 01:17:54,419
But one word that gets left out a lot
is the word "sacrifice."
1534
01:17:55,128 --> 01:17:57,798
I had to sacrifice something that day,
1535
01:17:57,881 --> 01:18:00,759
and a lot of people think they know
what sacrifice means
1536
01:18:00,842 --> 01:18:04,388
but honestly, until you have to make one,
I don't think you do.
1537
01:18:04,471 --> 01:18:06,932
I had to sacrifice my pride
1538
01:18:07,015 --> 01:18:09,935
because as much as I wanted
to go off on this guy,
1539
01:18:10,018 --> 01:18:12,813
I knew that if I did,
I'd be shooting myself in the foot.
1540
01:18:12,896 --> 01:18:16,149
I knew that if they could see
what I could do on that stage,
1541
01:18:16,233 --> 01:18:20,070
they'd have to bring me back,
and they'd have to treat me different.
1542
01:18:20,153 --> 01:18:21,780
[audience cheers]
1543
01:18:27,536 --> 01:18:30,038
So as much as it hurt,
as much as it sucked,
1544
01:18:30,122 --> 01:18:33,250
I allowed that stupid taco Tuesday
to happen.
1545
01:18:33,333 --> 01:18:36,837
So, for me, I was very upset.
1546
01:18:37,337 --> 01:18:41,007
I was wondering, is this something
that happens to all new comedians,
1547
01:18:41,091 --> 01:18:43,051
or was I being singled out?
1548
01:18:43,135 --> 01:18:45,512
It was killing me. I needed to know.
1549
01:18:45,595 --> 01:18:47,723
I couldn't just take out my phone
and google it
1550
01:18:47,806 --> 01:18:51,059
because that wasn't an option
all those years back.
1551
01:18:51,852 --> 01:18:55,355
So what I had to do was I had to go
to the front door of the club
1552
01:18:55,439 --> 01:18:58,692
where they had a bin,
and the bin had flyers in it.
1553
01:18:58,775 --> 01:19:00,986
So I grabbed the flyer,
and I looked at it.
1554
01:19:01,069 --> 01:19:04,531
And the flyer had the list
of upcoming comedy shows.
1555
01:19:04,614 --> 01:19:07,534
And I was so upset when I saw it
1556
01:19:07,617 --> 01:19:11,872
because all it was, was pictures,
names, and television credits.
1557
01:19:11,955 --> 01:19:16,626
No silly names, no theme nights,
no "spicy this" or "crazy that."
1558
01:19:16,710 --> 01:19:17,961
Just comedy.
1559
01:19:18,044 --> 01:19:21,256
So I said, "Why are they doing
this stupid taco Tuesday thing to me?"
1560
01:19:21,339 --> 01:19:23,592
So I said, "Let me try
to find another comedian
1561
01:19:23,675 --> 01:19:26,845
who's a little bit more in my vein."
1562
01:19:27,637 --> 01:19:29,264
If you know what I mean.
1563
01:19:30,015 --> 01:19:32,642
The only other comedian I could find
1564
01:19:33,226 --> 01:19:36,062
was a man by the name of George Lopez.
1565
01:19:36,146 --> 01:19:38,815
[audience cheers]
1566
01:19:41,985 --> 01:19:46,156
With George's promo,
however, it was just a picture, name,
1567
01:19:46,239 --> 01:19:47,282
and underneath that,
1568
01:19:47,365 --> 01:19:51,536
a television credit that said,
"As seen on ABC."
1569
01:19:51,620 --> 01:19:52,454
That's it.
1570
01:19:52,537 --> 01:19:56,124
It didn't say,
"Likes to ride a donkey, George Lopez,"
1571
01:19:56,208 --> 01:19:59,169
"Eats a burrito
with both hands, George Lopez."
1572
01:19:59,252 --> 01:20:03,465
"Ay, ay, ay. I just jumped the wall.
It's George Lopez." No!
1573
01:20:03,548 --> 01:20:05,175
So I said,
"Why are they doing this to me?"
1574
01:20:05,258 --> 01:20:07,302
So then I said, "All right, all right."
1575
01:20:07,385 --> 01:20:11,723
"Let me see
how they promote the Black comedians."
1576
01:20:12,224 --> 01:20:15,644
And with the Black comedians,
it was the same thing.
1577
01:20:15,727 --> 01:20:19,731
Picture, name, television credit,
and that's it.
1578
01:20:20,232 --> 01:20:26,404
Unless it was a show
that had multiple Black comedians on it
1579
01:20:26,488 --> 01:20:30,909
because if the comedy club had a show
with three or more Black comics on it,
1580
01:20:30,992 --> 01:20:32,911
they would put a catchy name to it.
1581
01:20:32,994 --> 01:20:35,288
They would call the show "Urban Night"
1582
01:20:35,372 --> 01:20:38,542
or "Apollo Night"
or "Def Jam Comedy Night,"
1583
01:20:38,625 --> 01:20:41,670
"BET Comedy Night,"
"Black-ish Comedy Night."
1584
01:20:41,753 --> 01:20:43,255
But that's as far as they would go.
1585
01:20:43,338 --> 01:20:45,715
They wouldn't go to the next level
like they would for me.
1586
01:20:45,799 --> 01:20:49,886
Oh, yeah. There was no "Margarita Monday"
or "Taco Tuesday"
1587
01:20:49,970 --> 01:20:53,557
or "Wetback Wednesday"
or "Tortilla Thursday,"
1588
01:20:53,640 --> 01:20:56,935
or "Fiesta Friday,"
or "Sábado Gigante"! No.
1589
01:20:58,812 --> 01:21:01,356
That would never happen to Black people.
Are you kidding me?
1590
01:21:01,439 --> 01:21:04,568
You'll never see a "Malt Liquor Monday"
1591
01:21:04,651 --> 01:21:08,572
or "Tupac Tuesday,"
or "Watermelon Wednesday"
1592
01:21:08,655 --> 01:21:10,824
or "Thong, Th-Thong, Thong Thursday,"
1593
01:21:10,907 --> 01:21:14,244
or "Fried Chicken Friday"
or "Sookie-Sookie Saturday"
1594
01:21:14,327 --> 01:21:16,204
or "Slap-a-Ho Sunday"!
1595
01:21:16,288 --> 01:21:18,415
[audience laughs and cheers]
1596
01:21:20,667 --> 01:21:24,963
And that most definitely will not happen
to white people.
1597
01:21:29,801 --> 01:21:31,803
[audience chuckling]
1598
01:21:31,887 --> 01:21:33,889
[scattered cheers]
1599
01:21:44,816 --> 01:21:45,775
[speaks inaudibly]
1600
01:21:45,859 --> 01:21:47,861
[cheering grows louder]
1601
01:21:58,121 --> 01:21:59,456
Oh, I'mma do the joke.
1602
01:22:01,041 --> 01:22:04,169
And you know why you can laugh
and enjoy and not feel threatened
1603
01:22:04,252 --> 01:22:05,462
by what I'm about to say?
1604
01:22:05,545 --> 01:22:07,923
Because, like what I said earlier tonight,
1605
01:22:08,006 --> 01:22:12,761
I am here to entertain,
I am not here to offend.
1606
01:22:13,261 --> 01:22:16,890
I'm here to have fun with everybody,
starting with me.
1607
01:22:18,266 --> 01:22:20,936
Plus, it'll never happen.
1608
01:22:21,436 --> 01:22:27,484
You'll never see a "Monster Truck Monday"
or "Trailer Park Tuesday"
1609
01:22:27,567 --> 01:22:31,655
or "White Trash Wednesday"
or "Take Your Sister Out Thursday."
1610
01:22:31,738 --> 01:22:33,865
[audience laughs]
1611
01:22:33,949 --> 01:22:37,285
[in Southern accent] "Oh, hell no, Fluffy!
You done crossed the line now!"
1612
01:22:37,994 --> 01:22:40,705
"My name is Dustin,
and I don't play that shit."
1613
01:22:42,248 --> 01:22:44,250
[audience laughs and cheers]
1614
01:22:51,216 --> 01:22:53,176
"I'm from Davie, goddammit."
1615
01:22:53,259 --> 01:22:55,261
[audience cheers]
1616
01:23:01,226 --> 01:23:02,644
Next time, stay quiet.
1617
01:23:02,727 --> 01:23:04,813
[audience laughs]
1618
01:23:04,896 --> 01:23:05,855
So…
1619
01:23:10,110 --> 01:23:12,737
I was talking to Martin backstage
before I came out,
1620
01:23:12,821 --> 01:23:17,117
and he goes, "Are you gonna share
the story about the theme nights thing
1621
01:23:17,200 --> 01:23:19,744
that happened
at The Improv here, and y'know?"
1622
01:23:19,828 --> 01:23:22,580
I go, "Well, y'know,
I think I should, Martin."
1623
01:23:22,664 --> 01:23:26,084
"I think I should tell the story
about, y'know, the theme nights."
1624
01:23:26,167 --> 01:23:29,129
He goes, "Gabe, can I tell you something
about that theme nights bit?"
1625
01:23:29,212 --> 01:23:30,672
I go, "Tell me, Martin."
1626
01:23:30,755 --> 01:23:33,800
[as Martin] "Do you realize
that in all the years
1627
01:23:33,883 --> 01:23:38,680
I have heard you tell this story
about what happened at that club,
1628
01:23:38,763 --> 01:23:42,308
do you understand that you've never once
1629
01:23:43,268 --> 01:23:44,894
finished the week?"
1630
01:23:44,978 --> 01:23:46,980
[audience chuckles]
1631
01:23:48,815 --> 01:23:51,609
I said, "Martin,
you know why that is, right?"
1632
01:23:51,693 --> 01:23:53,319
"It's the rule of comedy."
1633
01:23:53,403 --> 01:23:56,281
"You always want to end
on the biggest laugh."
1634
01:23:56,364 --> 01:23:59,659
"Thursday gets the biggest laugh,
which is why I stopped at Thursday."
1635
01:23:59,743 --> 01:24:03,747
And Martin goes, "I know, I know, I know."
1636
01:24:03,830 --> 01:24:06,166
"But you're robbing white people
of their week."
1637
01:24:06,249 --> 01:24:08,251
[audience laughs]
1638
01:24:12,297 --> 01:24:14,049
I never looked at it that way.
1639
01:24:15,550 --> 01:24:17,302
"Fox News Friday."
1640
01:24:17,385 --> 01:24:18,553
[audience laughs]
1641
01:24:18,636 --> 01:24:20,680
"Storm the Capitol Saturday."
1642
01:24:20,764 --> 01:24:22,849
[audience laughs]
1643
01:24:22,932 --> 01:24:24,934
"Say You're Sorry Sunday"!
1644
01:24:25,018 --> 01:24:27,604
[audience cheers]
1645
01:24:27,687 --> 01:24:29,564
Are we still havin' a good time?
1646
01:24:29,647 --> 01:24:31,775
[audience cheers]
1647
01:24:32,692 --> 01:24:34,611
Are we still having fun?
1648
01:24:34,694 --> 01:24:38,323
[cheering grows louder]
1649
01:24:40,700 --> 01:24:42,786
That's what I'm talkin' about.
1650
01:24:42,869 --> 01:24:46,831
People laughing, not getting upset,
not getting offended,
1651
01:24:46,915 --> 01:24:48,583
not freakin' making a stink.
1652
01:24:48,666 --> 01:24:50,752
And let me tell you right now,
for the five people
1653
01:24:50,835 --> 01:24:55,548
who have never heard of me before,
this… is for you.
1654
01:24:55,632 --> 01:24:57,842
[scattered cheers]
1655
01:24:57,926 --> 01:24:59,511
I get pulled over one night,
1656
01:24:59,594 --> 01:25:02,680
two minutes after coming out
of a Krispy Kreme drive-through.
1657
01:25:02,764 --> 01:25:04,766
[audience cheering knowingly]
1658
01:25:07,018 --> 01:25:09,145
I made a left turn
instead of making a right turn,
1659
01:25:09,229 --> 01:25:11,815
but I wasn't paying attention,
'cause I had a box, right?
1660
01:25:11,898 --> 01:25:14,192
I was like, "Oh, you're gonna get it."
1661
01:25:14,275 --> 01:25:17,695
[chuckles enthusiastically]
1662
01:25:17,779 --> 01:25:19,906
[exclaims, chuckles]
"You're gonna get it."
1663
01:25:21,825 --> 01:25:23,535
I make a wrong turn all of a sudden.
1664
01:25:23,618 --> 01:25:24,452
[imitates siren]
1665
01:25:24,536 --> 01:25:25,620
[groans]
1666
01:25:25,703 --> 01:25:27,038
[imitates vehicle approaching]
1667
01:25:27,122 --> 01:25:28,206
[grunts sadly]
1668
01:25:28,832 --> 01:25:29,707
"Later."
1669
01:25:29,791 --> 01:25:31,584
[audience laughs]
1670
01:25:31,668 --> 01:25:33,461
[gibbers indistinctly]
1671
01:25:34,462 --> 01:25:37,423
The officer is taking forever.
I said, "Forget this."
1672
01:25:37,507 --> 01:25:39,968
I grab the box of donuts.
I put it on my lap.
1673
01:25:40,051 --> 01:25:41,469
I flipped it open. I was like…
1674
01:25:41,553 --> 01:25:43,179
[inhales sharply] Mm!
1675
01:25:43,263 --> 01:25:45,473
[chuckles] Ah!
1676
01:25:45,974 --> 01:25:48,226
[exclaims wildly]
1677
01:25:48,726 --> 01:25:53,273
And just as I was about to tear it up,
the officer gets to the window,
1678
01:25:53,356 --> 01:25:56,151
and he's like,
"You know why I stopped you?"
1679
01:25:56,234 --> 01:25:58,194
It was too easy.
1680
01:25:58,278 --> 01:26:00,446
I picked up the box, and I said…
1681
01:26:00,530 --> 01:26:03,199
[with audience] "'Cause you can smell it!"
1682
01:26:03,283 --> 01:26:04,909
[audience cheering]
1683
01:26:21,885 --> 01:26:28,099
[crowd chanting] Fluffy! Fluffy!
Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
1684
01:26:28,183 --> 01:26:34,606
Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
1685
01:26:34,689 --> 01:26:36,691
[audience continues cheering]
1686
01:26:45,491 --> 01:26:46,743
[chime dings]
1687
01:26:46,826 --> 01:26:51,164
[Gabriel] You're probably wondering,
why did we pause the special again?
1688
01:26:51,247 --> 01:26:54,876
Well, I just want to let you guys know
most comedians would've already said,
1689
01:26:54,959 --> 01:26:58,546
"Thank you, good night," gone home,
cashed their Netflix checks,
1690
01:26:58,630 --> 01:27:00,340
and hope they get another phone call.
1691
01:27:00,423 --> 01:27:02,175
"Please call me, Netflix."
1692
01:27:02,258 --> 01:27:04,928
[inhales] But this guy
is not most comedians.
1693
01:27:05,011 --> 01:27:07,055
That's what happens
when you hire a Mexican.
1694
01:27:07,138 --> 01:27:08,723
We love overtime.
1695
01:27:08,806 --> 01:27:10,141
[audience cheering]
1696
01:27:10,225 --> 01:27:16,147
Thank you for still wanting to hear
a joke that's over 20 years old.
1697
01:27:16,231 --> 01:27:18,233
[audience cheers]
1698
01:27:20,902 --> 01:27:22,528
I grew up watching you too.
1699
01:27:23,071 --> 01:27:24,697
[audience laughs]
1700
01:27:24,781 --> 01:27:25,865
Got chills when I…
1701
01:27:25,949 --> 01:27:27,200
[in Spanish] Look, look.
1702
01:27:27,283 --> 01:27:29,285
[audience laughs]
1703
01:27:30,245 --> 01:27:31,871
[in English] That was beautiful.
1704
01:27:31,955 --> 01:27:35,833
I love you too, and that…
Seriously, you guys, thank you for that.
1705
01:27:35,917 --> 01:27:36,751
Thank you.
1706
01:27:36,834 --> 01:27:38,461
[audience cheers]
1707
01:27:38,544 --> 01:27:39,587
Thank you.
1708
01:27:42,840 --> 01:27:44,592
There are fans,
1709
01:27:44,676 --> 01:27:47,428
and then there's
what you just did right now.
1710
01:27:48,054 --> 01:27:50,056
[audience cheering]
1711
01:27:52,016 --> 01:27:56,145
I don't know any other comedian
that gets this type of love and loyalty.
1712
01:27:56,229 --> 01:27:57,313
Thank you so much.
1713
01:27:57,397 --> 01:28:01,317
I'm not getting off the stage yet
'cause I still got more to go,
1714
01:28:01,401 --> 01:28:03,361
but I want to say thank you for that.
1715
01:28:03,444 --> 01:28:05,947
[audience cheers]
1716
01:28:06,030 --> 01:28:07,115
Thank you.
1717
01:28:08,366 --> 01:28:09,659
[sighs dramatically]
1718
01:28:09,742 --> 01:28:12,495
[audience cheering]
1719
01:28:18,710 --> 01:28:19,711
[Gabriel] Whoo!
1720
01:28:21,212 --> 01:28:23,756
So when I started doing stand-up in 1997,
1721
01:28:23,840 --> 01:28:28,136
the only place that would allow me
to go up on stage and do what I do
1722
01:28:28,636 --> 01:28:29,679
were bars.
1723
01:28:30,430 --> 01:28:33,057
Dive bars, rough bars.
1724
01:28:33,141 --> 01:28:36,394
Uh, Martin and I,
that's where we met, many, many years ago.
1725
01:28:36,477 --> 01:28:39,480
We're performing at this bar
in Montebello, California,
1726
01:28:39,564 --> 01:28:42,650
and, uh, you had to fight with the crowd.
1727
01:28:42,734 --> 01:28:44,819
You had to fight because there was noise.
1728
01:28:44,902 --> 01:28:46,112
There were TVs on.
1729
01:28:46,195 --> 01:28:49,365
People were drinking, smoking…
People were doing everything in there
1730
01:28:49,449 --> 01:28:50,950
but paying attention.
1731
01:28:51,034 --> 01:28:54,495
So you had to come out quick,
trying to get them to laugh.
1732
01:28:54,579 --> 01:28:57,874
And one night,
this comedian pulls me aside,
1733
01:28:57,957 --> 01:28:59,459
and he goes, "Hey, kid."
1734
01:29:00,251 --> 01:29:02,503
And when he called me kid, I got upset.
1735
01:29:02,587 --> 01:29:04,172
I'm like, "I could drink."
1736
01:29:04,255 --> 01:29:06,758
[audience laughs]
1737
01:29:06,841 --> 01:29:11,721
I was 20, 21 years old, and, you know,
even though I thought I was grown,
1738
01:29:11,804 --> 01:29:13,014
I wasn't.
1739
01:29:13,097 --> 01:29:14,223
I wasn't grown.
1740
01:29:14,307 --> 01:29:16,517
Uh, I got upset that he pulled me aside.
1741
01:29:16,601 --> 01:29:18,353
He goes, "Can I give you some advice?"
1742
01:29:18,436 --> 01:29:21,773
I'm like, "Who does this guy think he is?
I'm funnier than him."
1743
01:29:22,648 --> 01:29:26,194
That's what I thought
because at the age of 21, I was a punk.
1744
01:29:26,277 --> 01:29:27,403
I really was.
1745
01:29:27,945 --> 01:29:32,241
And so, I don't know what got into me
where I said,
1746
01:29:32,325 --> 01:29:33,951
"Sure, I'll hear you out."
1747
01:29:34,452 --> 01:29:36,871
And I just stood there,
and he said, "Listen."
1748
01:29:38,039 --> 01:29:43,002
"Um, you're really likeable on stage,
and that's rare."
1749
01:29:43,503 --> 01:29:45,129
"I'm gonna give you a bit of advice."
1750
01:29:45,213 --> 01:29:49,050
"If you cut all the cussing
out of your show
1751
01:29:49,717 --> 01:29:52,303
and start taking the filthy material out,
1752
01:29:52,387 --> 01:29:55,306
I think you're gonna have
a long career ahead of you."
1753
01:29:55,807 --> 01:30:01,729
And I know I said "take the cussing out"
and I… I said the F-word twice tonight.
1754
01:30:01,813 --> 01:30:03,815
[audience chuckles]
1755
01:30:03,898 --> 01:30:06,317
Technically, no, three times.
I said it three times.
1756
01:30:06,401 --> 01:30:08,277
Um, but I'm mindful of it.
1757
01:30:08,361 --> 01:30:10,363
I'm keeping count.
It's not every other word.
1758
01:30:10,446 --> 01:30:12,657
Plus, we're in a casino.
1759
01:30:12,740 --> 01:30:14,158
[audience cheers]
1760
01:30:14,242 --> 01:30:17,954
Okay. No one loses their ass
and says, "Aw, shucks." No.
1761
01:30:18,037 --> 01:30:19,831
[audience laughs]
1762
01:30:19,914 --> 01:30:21,582
I heard some of you cussing before.
1763
01:30:21,666 --> 01:30:25,294
"When the fuck is this gonna start?"
Yeah, I heard you. I heard you.
1764
01:30:25,378 --> 01:30:26,587
[in Spanish] I'm fat, not deaf.
1765
01:30:26,671 --> 01:30:28,089
[in English] I heard you, goddammit.
1766
01:30:28,923 --> 01:30:30,508
So anyway,
1767
01:30:31,634 --> 01:30:33,261
he gives me this advice.
1768
01:30:34,679 --> 01:30:38,433
Cut the cussing out of your show,
take out the filthy material.
1769
01:30:38,516 --> 01:30:44,397
And I don't know why I listen,
but I did, and he was absolutely right.
1770
01:30:44,480 --> 01:30:47,900
All of a sudden, I started getting
opportunities left and right.
1771
01:30:47,984 --> 01:30:53,489
I started getting booked at colleges,
high schools, churches, fairs.
1772
01:30:53,573 --> 01:30:54,991
And then the big one,
1773
01:30:55,867 --> 01:30:57,118
casinos.
1774
01:30:57,201 --> 01:30:58,995
[audience cheers]
1775
01:31:03,207 --> 01:31:04,333
[cheering fades]
1776
01:31:04,417 --> 01:31:05,543
Back in the day,
1777
01:31:05,626 --> 01:31:09,589
you had to be squeaky-clean
to perform at a casino.
1778
01:31:09,672 --> 01:31:11,799
Uh, but that's not the case anymore.
1779
01:31:11,883 --> 01:31:14,510
If you can sell tickets,
it doesn't matter what you do,
1780
01:31:14,594 --> 01:31:16,053
they want to book you.
1781
01:31:16,137 --> 01:31:19,557
But back in the day, there was
only a few people who could pull it off.
1782
01:31:19,640 --> 01:31:24,103
I was fortunate to be one of those people.
So I remember, I got booked to perform
1783
01:31:24,187 --> 01:31:27,482
at a casino called Morongo
in Southern California,
1784
01:31:27,565 --> 01:31:29,734
and I'm backstage with the booker,
1785
01:31:29,817 --> 01:31:34,447
the lady that hired me for the function,
and she goes, "So, no cussing, right?"
1786
01:31:34,530 --> 01:31:35,865
I go, "No. No cussing."
1787
01:31:35,948 --> 01:31:38,743
[as booker] "No filthy material?"
[as self] "No filthy material."
1788
01:31:38,826 --> 01:31:39,911
[as booker] "Good luck."
1789
01:31:39,994 --> 01:31:43,998
And it was just me.
I didn't have openers. It was just me.
1790
01:31:44,081 --> 01:31:46,959
It was a voice-over
on the frickin' speaker, right?
1791
01:31:47,043 --> 01:31:50,254
"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
comedian, funny man Gabriel Iglesias."
1792
01:31:50,338 --> 01:31:52,423
And then I just…
I walked out there, right?
1793
01:31:52,507 --> 01:31:56,844
I offended the entire audience…
1794
01:31:56,928 --> 01:31:58,763
[audience chuckles]
1795
01:31:58,846 --> 01:32:00,640
…in five seconds.
1796
01:32:01,891 --> 01:32:04,352
And I did it without cussing.
1797
01:32:06,145 --> 01:32:11,567
Frickin' 22-year-old kid goes up on stage,
looks at the crowd and says,
1798
01:32:12,068 --> 01:32:16,322
"Hey, everybody! Is this a regular casino,
or is this an Indian casino?"
1799
01:32:16,405 --> 01:32:18,741
[audience groans and laughs]
1800
01:32:20,743 --> 01:32:23,037
You see how you all know?
1801
01:32:23,120 --> 01:32:25,081
[audience laughs]
1802
01:32:25,164 --> 01:32:26,123
I didn't know.
1803
01:32:27,458 --> 01:32:30,878
I didn't know
because I didn't have TikTok to teach me.
1804
01:32:30,962 --> 01:32:32,463
[audience chuckles]
1805
01:32:32,547 --> 01:32:36,300
What I did have was a life experience
that I'll never forget.
1806
01:32:36,384 --> 01:32:39,929
As soon as I said that,
the entire front row,
1807
01:32:40,012 --> 01:32:44,058
which comprised of the tribal members
from the casino,
1808
01:32:44,642 --> 01:32:46,602
they all stood up,
1809
01:32:46,686 --> 01:32:49,605
and one of them called me out
in front of the entire audience.
1810
01:32:49,689 --> 01:32:52,358
"Hey! Hey! You don't say that anymore!"
1811
01:32:52,441 --> 01:32:54,443
"The proper term is Native American."
1812
01:32:54,527 --> 01:32:55,987
"Please show respect."
1813
01:32:56,070 --> 01:32:59,031
And I was like, "Oh my God.
I'm so sorry. I didn't know."
1814
01:32:59,115 --> 01:33:02,368
And I felt horrible,
and I was so embarrassed.
1815
01:33:02,994 --> 01:33:06,581
Fortunately, I had a second show
at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock hits.
1816
01:33:06,664 --> 01:33:07,957
I take the stage.
1817
01:33:08,040 --> 01:33:11,794
I didn't need to be told
a thousand times that I messed up.
1818
01:33:11,877 --> 01:33:15,339
That one time of me getting shamed
in front of the entire audience
1819
01:33:15,423 --> 01:33:16,882
was all I needed.
1820
01:33:16,966 --> 01:33:19,510
That's why I'm a firm believer in shaming.
1821
01:33:19,594 --> 01:33:21,429
[audience laughs]
1822
01:33:21,512 --> 01:33:23,431
I think shaming is good.
1823
01:33:23,973 --> 01:33:28,519
Shaming is good as long
as you shame with purpose.
1824
01:33:29,186 --> 01:33:32,523
If you're about to teach someone
a valuable lesson,
1825
01:33:32,607 --> 01:33:35,359
I say go for it because it worked for me.
1826
01:33:35,443 --> 01:33:37,236
I got shamed one time.
1827
01:33:37,320 --> 01:33:40,948
Second show, ten o'clock.
I took the stage. Ooh, it was different.
1828
01:33:41,032 --> 01:33:43,951
I was like, "Before I get started,
ladies and gentlemen,
1829
01:33:44,035 --> 01:33:45,536
I'd like to take this opportunity
1830
01:33:45,620 --> 01:33:48,831
to thank all of the Native Americans
who are here tonight."
1831
01:33:48,914 --> 01:33:52,835
"Thank you for this opportunity
to perform in your casino."
1832
01:33:52,918 --> 01:33:55,046
"I hope you enjoy the performance."
1833
01:33:55,129 --> 01:33:57,131
[audience cheers and laughs]
1834
01:33:58,716 --> 01:34:00,259
I thought I was good.
1835
01:34:00,343 --> 01:34:03,220
All of a sudden, another tribal member
in the back jumped up.
1836
01:34:03,304 --> 01:34:07,266
And he's like, "Hey, drop the 'American'!
Just say 'Native'!"
1837
01:34:07,350 --> 01:34:09,268
[audience laughs]
1838
01:34:10,936 --> 01:34:12,021
[as self] "'Kay!"
1839
01:34:12,104 --> 01:34:13,314
[audience laughs]
1840
01:34:13,397 --> 01:34:15,316
That stayed with me. That was powerful.
1841
01:34:15,399 --> 01:34:16,567
That was scary.
1842
01:34:16,651 --> 01:34:19,028
Next time I did a casino,
first thing I said was,
1843
01:34:19,111 --> 01:34:22,657
"I would like to acknowledge
all of the Natives who are here tonight,"
1844
01:34:22,740 --> 01:34:25,826
and then someone yelled out,
"We're Indigenous!"
1845
01:34:26,827 --> 01:34:28,287
Fuck me!
1846
01:34:30,289 --> 01:34:31,499
That's four.
1847
01:34:31,582 --> 01:34:33,584
[audience laughs and cheers]
1848
01:34:35,086 --> 01:34:36,712
{\an8}[chime dings]
1849
01:34:39,256 --> 01:34:43,844
With time, I got a chance to perform
all across the United States,
1850
01:34:43,928 --> 01:34:47,098
and then I get
my first-ever show in Canada.
1851
01:34:47,181 --> 01:34:48,432
Ironically enough,
1852
01:34:49,016 --> 01:34:50,226
at a casino.
1853
01:34:50,309 --> 01:34:51,602
[audience laughs]
1854
01:34:51,686 --> 01:34:53,479
It's a casino we still perform at
1855
01:34:53,562 --> 01:34:56,232
called Caesars
in the city of Windsor, Ontario,
1856
01:34:56,315 --> 01:34:58,984
right across the water
from Detroit, Michigan.
1857
01:34:59,068 --> 01:35:00,611
[audience cheers]
1858
01:35:00,695 --> 01:35:04,198
I come to find out the hard way
that in Canada,
1859
01:35:04,281 --> 01:35:10,454
it is a completely different term
for describing the… people…
1860
01:35:10,538 --> 01:35:11,872
[audience chuckles]
1861
01:35:11,956 --> 01:35:14,041
…originally from that land.
1862
01:35:14,125 --> 01:35:16,627
The proper term in Canada is actually
1863
01:35:17,169 --> 01:35:18,879
"First Nation."
1864
01:35:19,422 --> 01:35:22,466
I didn't know that.
I was so nervous being in Canada,
1865
01:35:22,550 --> 01:35:24,218
I said, "Native American."
1866
01:35:24,301 --> 01:35:26,095
[audience laughs]
1867
01:35:26,178 --> 01:35:28,431
Like, "Hello?"
I'm not even in America, right?
1868
01:35:28,514 --> 01:35:31,267
Frickin' stupid, right? Pendejo, I know.
1869
01:35:31,350 --> 01:35:32,351
[audience laughs]
1870
01:35:32,935 --> 01:35:37,231
Fortunately, someone pulled me
to the side, and they told me what was up.
1871
01:35:37,314 --> 01:35:39,233
I was lucky that I had a second show.
1872
01:35:39,316 --> 01:35:42,403
Ten o'clock,
I take the stage, and I'm like,
1873
01:35:42,486 --> 01:35:45,030
"Before I begin,
I would like to acknowledge
1874
01:35:45,114 --> 01:35:48,033
all of the First Nation people
who are here tonight."
1875
01:35:48,117 --> 01:35:51,287
Then some guy yells out,
"Call us Indians!"
1876
01:35:51,370 --> 01:35:53,289
[audience laughs]
1877
01:35:57,084 --> 01:35:59,003
This guy in the front row was like…
1878
01:35:59,086 --> 01:36:01,046
[in Indian accent] "They're not Indian."
1879
01:36:01,130 --> 01:36:03,132
[audience laughs]
1880
01:36:10,014 --> 01:36:11,932
[in Indian accent] "They are not Indian!"
1881
01:36:18,606 --> 01:36:20,858
[as self] Canada has always
been an adventure.
1882
01:36:21,734 --> 01:36:25,196
There was one show that we did
at the same casino.
1883
01:36:25,279 --> 01:36:29,950
Anytime now, we perform
outside of the United States,
1884
01:36:30,034 --> 01:36:33,287
even if it's next door
in Canada or Mexico,
1885
01:36:33,370 --> 01:36:36,874
Martin's first question
to the audience is,
1886
01:36:36,957 --> 01:36:39,043
"Do we have any Americans
in the house tonight?"
1887
01:36:39,126 --> 01:36:42,671
Because no matter where we perform
in the world, there's always a handful.
1888
01:36:42,755 --> 01:36:46,717
So that night, Martin takes
the stage, and he asked the question,
1889
01:36:46,801 --> 01:36:48,719
"Do we have any Americans here tonight?"
1890
01:36:48,803 --> 01:36:52,389
Not knowing that earlier in the day,
1891
01:36:52,473 --> 01:36:55,351
at that same casino,
in the grand ballroom,
1892
01:36:55,976 --> 01:37:00,481
there was a… a end-of-year holiday party
from an American company
1893
01:37:00,564 --> 01:37:03,067
from right across the water in Detroit.
1894
01:37:03,150 --> 01:37:05,569
And they were having
this end-of-year celebration,
1895
01:37:05,653 --> 01:37:08,989
and they were there,
pre-gaming since noon.
1896
01:37:09,073 --> 01:37:10,074
[audience chuckles]
1897
01:37:10,157 --> 01:37:11,200
Partying it up.
1898
01:37:11,283 --> 01:37:14,370
And I guess the… the party planner
for the event
1899
01:37:14,453 --> 01:37:20,209
thought it would be an amazing idea
to end their party with laughter.
1900
01:37:20,292 --> 01:37:25,589
So this person bought all of the tickets
to my show that night
1901
01:37:25,673 --> 01:37:27,758
and gave them to that company.
1902
01:37:27,842 --> 01:37:31,387
Well, seven o'clock rolls around,
and everybody stumbles in,
1903
01:37:31,887 --> 01:37:35,850
takes their seats, and then Martin
walks out, and he asked the question,
1904
01:37:35,933 --> 01:37:37,268
"Do we have any Americans?"
1905
01:37:37,351 --> 01:37:41,272
And instead of getting a "Yay,"
"Whoo," "Right here," he got…
1906
01:37:41,355 --> 01:37:43,691
[imitates crowd roaring]
1907
01:37:43,774 --> 01:37:47,069
They were so drunk, they started chanting.
1908
01:37:47,152 --> 01:37:53,659
"USA! USA! USA! USA!"
1909
01:37:53,742 --> 01:37:57,454
I'm in the dressing room, hearing this.
I'm like, "Why are we here?"
1910
01:37:57,538 --> 01:37:58,831
[audience laughs]
1911
01:37:58,914 --> 01:38:02,960
"We could have done this in Detroit."
You know? I had to fill out paperwork.
1912
01:38:03,043 --> 01:38:04,587
I'm like, "This is not cool."
1913
01:38:05,170 --> 01:38:07,715
So during intermission,
Martin comes backstage
1914
01:38:07,798 --> 01:38:10,634
and he tells me,
"Bro, I don't know if you heard…"
1915
01:38:10,718 --> 01:38:12,177
[as self] "Oh, I heard."
1916
01:38:12,970 --> 01:38:15,598
[as Martin] "Might wanna mention it."
I go, "Oh, I will."
1917
01:38:15,681 --> 01:38:19,476
So at some point during my performance,
I told the audience,
1918
01:38:19,560 --> 01:38:22,229
"So, a little bird told me
1919
01:38:22,313 --> 01:38:24,690
there might be
a couple of Americans here tonight."
1920
01:38:24,773 --> 01:38:25,774
"Is that true?"
1921
01:38:25,858 --> 01:38:26,942
Sure enough…
1922
01:38:27,026 --> 01:38:29,153
[imitates crowd roaring]
1923
01:38:29,236 --> 01:38:31,238
And they started doing it again.
1924
01:38:31,322 --> 01:38:35,659
[chanting] "USA! USA! USA!"
1925
01:38:35,743 --> 01:38:38,537
Then it got quiet,
and you could hear, "'Murica."
1926
01:38:38,621 --> 01:38:40,623
[audience laughs]
1927
01:38:42,166 --> 01:38:46,086
I said, "Ladies and gentlemen,
do you understand what just happened?"
1928
01:38:46,170 --> 01:38:47,880
"We just made history."
1929
01:38:47,963 --> 01:38:51,342
And people in the front row, they're like,
"What are you talking about, history?"
1930
01:38:51,425 --> 01:38:54,970
I said, "We just made history."
1931
01:38:55,054 --> 01:38:58,766
"Who would have ever thought
you'd see the day
1932
01:38:58,849 --> 01:39:05,314
where thousands upon thousands
upon thousands upon thousands
1933
01:39:05,397 --> 01:39:10,569
of Americans would cross a border…
1934
01:39:10,653 --> 01:39:12,655
[audience laughs and cheers]
1935
01:39:19,703 --> 01:39:21,747
…to see a Mexican?"
1936
01:39:22,790 --> 01:39:24,792
[audience cheers]
1937
01:39:25,626 --> 01:39:32,216
Thank you for 27 years
of supporting this Mexican.
1938
01:39:33,092 --> 01:39:36,345
[in Spanish] Miami, I love you so much.
Many thanks.
1939
01:39:36,428 --> 01:39:38,013
[in English] Have a good night!
1940
01:39:38,097 --> 01:39:39,139
Thank you!
1941
01:39:41,058 --> 01:39:43,936
- ["UP!" by Connor Price playing]
- ♪ I was down but now I'm up ♪
1942
01:39:45,104 --> 01:39:46,897
♪ This all God, this ain't no luck… ♪
1943
01:39:46,981 --> 01:39:50,442
[chanting] Fluffy! Fluffy!
Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
1944
01:39:50,526 --> 01:39:54,989
Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
1945
01:39:55,072 --> 01:39:57,324
♪ Up, up, up, up, aye ♪
1946
01:39:57,408 --> 01:39:58,867
♪ I was down but now I'm ♪
1947
01:39:58,951 --> 01:40:02,454
♪ Up like my name Lazarus
Know Satan gon' be mad at this ♪
1948
01:40:02,538 --> 01:40:06,375
♪ I had to ask my dad if it's okay
To swing my bat at this ♪
1949
01:40:06,458 --> 01:40:09,086
♪ He said, "Boy if I pitch it
It's out of the park" ♪
1950
01:40:09,169 --> 01:40:11,130
♪ Moving so quick it's like
They stuck in park ♪
1951
01:40:11,213 --> 01:40:12,923
♪ They see the numbers
But I see the heart ♪
1952
01:40:13,007 --> 01:40:14,967
♪ Ten thousand hours
He spent in the dark ♪
1953
01:40:15,050 --> 01:40:18,137
♪ Puttin' in good work
Even though he didn't know it would work ♪
1954
01:40:18,220 --> 01:40:20,139
♪ Talk about a man who grew up
In woodwork ♪
1955
01:40:20,222 --> 01:40:22,224
♪ Do it for the love
That's the way it should work ♪
1956
01:40:22,307 --> 01:40:23,392
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
1957
01:40:23,976 --> 01:40:27,563
♪ I know some people gon' look
At me crazy, and I'm like, for what? ♪
1958
01:40:28,063 --> 01:40:32,609
♪ Yeah, I was stuck
I was down but now I'm up, yeah ♪
1959
01:40:32,693 --> 01:40:36,697
♪ This all God, this ain't no luck, yeah ♪
1960
01:40:36,780 --> 01:40:40,534
♪ I used to be stuck in that mud, yeah ♪
1961
01:40:40,617 --> 01:40:45,164
♪ Yeah, I was down but now I'm up
Up, up, up, up ♪
1962
01:40:45,247 --> 01:40:48,167
♪ I was down but now I'm
Down, now I'm up like a seesaw ♪
1963
01:40:48,250 --> 01:40:50,502
♪ When I'm on the beat
Like an old man's lawn, keep off ♪
1964
01:40:50,586 --> 01:40:52,129
♪ From the ground to the treetops ♪
1965
01:40:52,212 --> 01:40:54,381
♪ Got clouds on my feet
Like Jack and the Beanstalk ♪
1966
01:40:54,465 --> 01:40:56,592
♪ Jumped off quick
Went straight into free-fall ♪
1967
01:40:56,675 --> 01:40:59,219
♪ Cowboy hat and a mic singing "Yeehaw" ♪
1968
01:40:59,303 --> 01:41:00,929
♪ Landed on my feet like a feline ♪
1969
01:41:01,013 --> 01:41:03,599
♪ Put 'em back in the seat
Like a recline, aye ♪
1970
01:41:03,682 --> 01:41:05,768
♪ What, I'm not worthy?
Did it with a purpose ♪
1971
01:41:05,851 --> 01:41:06,852
♪ Didn't need a permit ♪
1972
01:41:06,935 --> 01:41:08,812
♪ Digging from bottom
Brought it to the surface ♪
1973
01:41:08,896 --> 01:41:12,524
♪ Mind your business, now who I worship
Who the little guy making big moves? ♪
1974
01:41:12,608 --> 01:41:17,362
♪ TikTok turn into a tick-tick-tick boom
Yeah, I talk a lot of stuff ♪
1975
01:41:17,446 --> 01:41:21,116
♪ Prolly thought it was a bluff
Till I went and turned it where? ♪
1976
01:41:21,200 --> 01:41:24,953
♪ I was down but now I'm up
Up, let's go, yeah ♪
1977
01:41:25,037 --> 01:41:31,877
♪ This all God, this ain't no luck, yeah
I used to be stuck in that mud ♪
1978
01:41:31,960 --> 01:41:32,878
♪ Yeah ♪
1979
01:41:32,961 --> 01:41:37,132
♪ Yeah, I was down
But now I'm up, up, up, up, up ♪
1980
01:41:37,216 --> 01:41:41,011
- ♪ I was down but now I'm up! ♪
- [hip-hop fades]