.
- As cheer coach of Headltston Junior College,
I have been confronted by many obstacles--injuries--
- Ah! - Oh!
- --lack of funds--
[crashing, thudding]
--pigs.
[oinking]
But something I was unprepared for
was an AI company coming in and sucking up all the water
and power in that poor town.
[electricity cuts, horns honking]
And I don't think the details of how
they got there are important.
And I believe if you peruse this booklet,
you'll see why Headltston is the best
place for your AI data center.
- We're going to Headlt-stone.
- Yeah! [cheering]
Maybe I had a little something to do with it,
but honestly, in my defense,
I had no way of knowing that AI companies kill small towns
by coming in and taking all the power
and water for their servers.
- AI kills small towns.
They'll take away our water and electricity.
- But now, there is no cheer in Headltston,
which is like "The Year Without a Santa Claus,"
which is such an underrated movie.
You remember?
Santa didn't feel valued,
and he thinks people don't care about Christmas anymore,
so he decides to sit one out.
God, it gets me so emotional. Sorry. Um--
The point is,
this will end happily ever after, just like in the movie.
And the kids are going-- - Hey, baby.
- Boon, pants.
- Oh, my bad.
Were y'all talking "Year Without a Santa Claus"?
I love having Courteney home this much.
I mean, I think it's the first time
in as long as I can remember,
which is roughly 17 years,
that she's had a day off from cheer.
It's taking a little getting used to.
'Cause normally she's at work with y'all during the day,
so I can kind of have the run of the house
and Porky Pig it
whenever the mood feels right.
And if I'm being honest,
mood feels right a lot.
- Love you. - [whispers] Sorry.
- ♪ OK, let's go ♪
♪ OK, let's go ♪ - ♪ OK, let's go ♪
- ♪ 5, 6, 7, 8 ♪
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
- Headltston's been without water or power
for two days now.
First, they shut down what they called
the non-essential buildings, like the police department--
- All right, well, good luck.
Ah! Mein buttons!
- --and the Candy Button Factory, which, fun fact,
was shut down for the first time in over two decades
for non-health code reasons.
And then they shut down the school, so we can't practice.
Our team was finally starting to click,
and AI had to come and take a giant [bleep] on Headltston.
But they do have a hotline
that you can call for general information.
So I'm just going to call again
and see if there's been any updates.
[line ringing]
- You have reached the Headltston
General Information Hotline.
If you're calling about a cattle inquiry, press one.
If you're a toddler who just wants to hear a sound,
press any key.
If you're calling about the citywide blackout,
we're working on the problem and should be up
in one to two business days.
If you have information about the Missing Six--
- [chuckles] OK.
All right.
So I'll get my gym and my team back
in as little as one business day.
So I'm not worried.
I'm not. [sighs]
- Hey, baby. - Hey.
- Gosh, do I love seeing you here when I get home.
- Oh. - Just stopped by the school,
met the new lacrosse coach. Mwah.
I can already tell she's gonna be my nemesis.
They're giving out these chocolate chip cookies
in the lounge.
There's one left. I'm clearly going for it.
She snatches it out from under me.
- Uh-huh.
- Then her brassiere darn popped off,
and she asked me to help put it back on, and as a thank you,
invited me to her house tonight for dinner
with her model friends.
- What?
- Baby, you are not listening to me.
- Boonie, I heard you.
The lacrosse coach took your cookies, her bra popped off,
and you went home with the models?
- Guess you're listening a little bit.
- I'm sorry, I'm on a text chain with the kids.
I'm sending them little GIFs and memes,
keep their spirits up.
And I feel like angry babies are always good.
- [chuckles] Oh. Can you send me that?
- So right after they shut down the school,
they sent all the kids home.
And I offered to let them stay here
so we could continue practicing,
but it turns out that with all those bunk beds,
it would be a fire hazard.
I don't know how kennels get away with it, and--
[phone dings] Yes!
I got another LMFAO from Steven.
[laughs]
I hope he's OK.
[phone ringing] - I am crushing it.
[chuckles] I was a little concerned
the rental place wouldn't take me back.
[bleep] I quit.
But it turned out they thought I was here the entire time.
[chuckling] We look nothing alike!
But I did get a raise.
And, oh, oh, check this out--
finally, manager.
Yeah, me.
[laughs]
[sighs] Yeah, things are good.
Things are good.
[line beeping] - Damn.
Hotline's busy again.
- Baby, it has only been two days.
- Two days for you.
But for cheerleaders, that's like two weeks.
Cheerleaders are like cats.
I once read they shut down the show "Cats" for two weeks,
and that's why it's terrible.
- Baby, "Cats" is a perfect musical.
I'm not having this conversation with you again.
- OK. I'm sorry, Boon, for real.
[sighs] - Coach,
you and I never get this kind of time together.
Can we try to take advantage of it?
'Cause I hate to say it, but this just seems like
one of those things you cannot control.
- [exhales] - Yeah.
- OK. - Get over here.
- All right.
I'm gonna try to control it just one more time,
though, just to be sure.
Love you! Bye! - Love you more!
- So the woman who runs the AI data center,
her name is Jolene Tittle.
And that's her office, way up there
at the top of the world's smallest skyscraper.
Now, she used to cheer at Texas Tech,
so I'ma talk to her cheerleader to cheerleader,
and I'm gonna get her to move her electricity
and soul-sucking company out of here so I can get my gym
and my cheerleaders back.
I'm not gonna say soul-sucking, though.
- Hey, doll. How's cheer going?
- It's not.
We have no place to practice since your soul-sucking company
turned this whole town into a black hole.
Dang it.
- Oh, that's a shame.
But unfortunately, there's nothing
that my company can do about it.
- You know what?
I don't want to talk to the executive part of you.
I want to talk to the cheerleader inside you.
'Cause I guarantee underneath that $100 blouse--
- Mm. - Is it $200?
- Mm. - $250?
- [clicks tongue] - Dang.
Whatever you paid for that gorgeous blouse,
underneath is a heart that beats in eight count.
- I'm not a cheerleader anymore.
I'm a grown-up CTO.
- I put you in my pyramid. I saw what that meant to you.
- That is why I came to this town.
So, um, maybe you should blame yourself.
- I'm not the one whose soul-sucking company
is killing the place.
Are you [bleep] kidding me? Courteney!
Jolene, I have less than 14 weeks
to get this team ready for Daytona.
My kids cannot afford to be missing any practices.
- [sighs]
Courteney, that is so sad.
- Yeah.
- Let me play you the world's tiniest violin.
- Jolene, do not patronize me.
Oh, OK. It's not a metaphor.
[violin playing somber melody]
♪ ♪
Dang it. That was beautiful.
The strings always get me.
- This violin is from Viennesburgh,
the tiny violin capital of the US
and the first town that my company took over.
This violin reminds me never to get too emotional.
- You know what I just realized, Jolene?
You're a mean girl.
And you're gonna regret that 'cause I have friends
in high places in this town.
- Nein.
I would have to call in too many favors
to get the AI company out of Headle-stein.
And ten,
no one asked me to be in the talent show.
I have talent, too, you know.
- I said that.
I said, we got to get Augustus Sslimpfh up on that stage.
He's got talent, too, you know.
- Thank you. But it's too late.
- Augustus, you are the only person
powerful enough to fix this.
- It would require me to open too many channels
that would attract attention,
and my family does not like attention.
- Really?
I took Sslimpfh Avenue to Sslimpfh Road
to get to the Sslimpfh Candy Button Factory Today.
- Well, how else would you get here?
- The Candy Button Factory is in jeopardy here, too.
- If the Blue Lung lawsuit taught us anything,
it's to take a deep breath-- [hiccups]
And this too shall pass.
- Then I'm just gonna find another way.
This will not be the end of my cheer program.
- Wait!
Don't you want to know about my talent first?
- Honestly, I don't care.
[pensive flute music playing]
♪ ♪
- [inhales sharply]
♪ ♪
- [rasps]
That's the most beautiful thing I ever heard.
- Danke.
.
[percussive music]
- Oh, no, Boon. - Hmm?
- I sent my cheerleaders a routine to work on,
and nothing.
Crickets. Nobody responded.
I mean, well, Peaches sent a pic,
but it was definitely not meant for this chat.
I'ma call Krystal. I'ma see how her rehab's going.
Yeah.
- One of the things I value most about myself
is I'm always there for other people.
[phone buzzing] Boop.
Since so many are suffering in Headltoon,
I've decided to use my downtime to focus on charity.
My latest venture is my
"Dive Into Unemployment" brand of swimwear!
You may not be able to work,
but you will be working it in these fabulous bikinis.
- Ooh, Coach, this is bad.
This is real bad.
Krystal just sent me to voicemail, Sally left the chat,
and Madonna's phone's asleep.
- Well, I'll tell you what.
That Pilates is working.
- Do you think so? - Mm-hmm.
Mm. - I do feel--
Steven responded. You can always count on him--
A thumbs up?
Baby, everybody knows thumbs up means [bleep] you.
- No, it does not. - Yes, it does.
- Oh, no, I just gave a thumbs up to my mama's new haircut.
- We were just making such good progress, Boonie.
But the longer they're away, the harder it's gonna be
to get those cheerleaders back on the mat.
And now they're all scattered to the wind.
So it's just a matter of time before they drop out of school,
huff poppers, hitchhike to Burning Man.
- Whoa, whoa, can we rein it in just a little bit?
Because even my best quarterback
doesn't spiral this fast. You know what?
Let's get you out of this house.
Hey, you know how you're always nagging me to get a new truck?
- I've literally mentioned it once.
- Well, the nagging worked.
Let's go shopping for a new truck for me.
Come on, it'll get your mind off cheer.
- Oh, great idea. I know just the place.
- Steven Vaughn, please come to the front.
- You gotta be kidding me. - [clears throat]
- Oh, hey, Coach.
- Did you get a promotion?
- Oh, yeah, manager.
[chuckles] You know what's crazy?
The less I do here, the more I make.
- Oh, so you have had time to work on the routine?
- Hey, is that your ex?
- Absolutely not. Sorry, baby. No.
- It's messy.
- We came here to look at a new truck.
So is there some kind of discount you can give us
'cause you thought you dated my wife?
- Yeah, I mean, I could definitely hook you up
with a used pickup truck with only
about 500,000 miles on her.
Do you guys mind severe damage in the rear?
- Nobody cares about the truck, OK?
Why would we buy a truck at a car rental place?
Let me see your back tuck. - OK, time to go.
- Right now, Steven. - Good to see you.
- You guys need to be working on that routine, you hear?
And you best be answering my texts, too,
and not with the thumbs up.
Hearts or nothing!
- Congrats on the promotion.
- Bullet dodged, man.
- I can't believe Steven is thriving without cheer.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. That ham's still good.
- [sniffs] It has a smell.
- Good ham has good smell. - It's gone.
- Baby, why is Steven doing well causing you
to put your hands on my lunch meat?
- You don't get it, Boon. I'm losing him.
I'm losing my team.
How would you feel if you lost what you loved the most?
- I just did.
- No, I mean, like, your purpose, your passion in life.
- I seem to remember something like that happening to me.
Oh! Oh, oh!
- I'm sorry, Boon.
Don't you ever wonder what your life
would have been like if that hadn't have happened?
- I have to believe that that hit was a sign from God,
whom I did meet briefly,
that this is the exact life I'm supposed to be living.
And as long as that little piece of helmet in my brain
doesn't move more than a millimeter,
I get to wake up next to the love of my life every morning.
And that is a pretty darn good life right there.
- Boonie, I love waking up next to you, too.
You know that. - Mm. Mwah.
- I do also love going to work as a decorated
cheer coach on her way to her 15th trophy.
- Honey, you are going to be back with your team
before you know it, and you will regret
not taking advantage of the gift of this time.
- Scratch my back.
- How many extra hours in the day
you got now that there's no cheer?
- 22.
- All right, so there's got to be something productive
you can do with that time that does not involve
you throwing away my lunch meat.
[percussive music]
- Hey, baby.
- Hey, uh, what's happening?
- Well, I watched Marie Kondo 'cause I'm trying to spark
some [bleep] joy in my life, so I'm just going to throw out
all the stuff we don't use.
- This is all my stuff. - But I don't use it.
- OK.
While you're busy trying to erase
all existence of my life-- - Boonie.
- --I was having a heck of a day.
Did you know that--
What happened? Did I turn around?
Or did the couch turn around?
- I've just been using my free time, like you suggested.
And I would love a den.
Do you think this wall is load bearing?
[knocking on wall]
There's only one way to find out.
Shoot! I threw out the sledgehammer.
And you know that brought me so much joy.
- Yeah, yeah.
Do you remember during the pandemic,
you had all those great ideas about, like,
learning how to bake or knit
or do something fun with your nails?
- Yeah. - Do you think maybe we could
try one of those less destructive things?
♪ ♪
- Boon, my list is done!
Boonie.
- It grew on me.
It's like I'm not supposed to see it,
which makes it feel more intriguing.
Uh, Krystal's sister left a box for you.
- Oh.
Oh, no.
The unemployment bikini.
She thinks I'm done.
Even worse, she's doing things for other people now.
Boon, everything is changing.
- Should you try it on?
.
[percussive music]
- It's nice to see the people I'm helping face to face.
There's something magical about just giving back
and not advertising my brand.
It almost makes me cry out my Krystal Smearless Mascara.
- Medium, please. - I'm all out of your size,
but I think I have more in the back.
[gasps] My ankle doesn't hurt.
I'm walking.
I'm running!
I'm back! [cheering]
I'm back!
- [giggles]
I found it!
- Baby, give me that hammer.
Baby, baby, give me that-- baby, no!
[hammer clunks]
OK, Thor.
Will you come here, please? - I don't want to.
- Courteney, please come here. - [sighs]
- Baby, I know that this is hard for you,
but what is wrong with a little quality time?
How's about you and I sit here on this couch
and turn our heads backwards,
and we watch one of your true crime murder docs?
I'm gonna sleep with the lights on for a week.
- Boon, don't you play dirty with me.
- Courteney's one weakness is true crime.
- Yay.
- When I was in my coma, she sat by my side
the whole time watching her murders.
She actually solved three cold cases.
Probably would have solved more if I didn't wake up.
Pretty sure my neck is stuck this way.
[percussive music]
I don't like to use the word genius when talking
about myself, but what else would you
call me getting Courteney to watch true crime docs
to get her mind off cheer and take a much needed
mental health break? - Hey, Boonie, do we have milk?
- "Joan of Arcadia"! [neck cracks]
Hey, Courteney. - Yeah.
- Where are your pants?
- Oh. [chuckles]
Sorry.
I have watched 17 straight hours of true crime.
I think I'm depressed.
- Maybe it's 'cause you watched
17 straight hours of true crime.
- No, that couldn't be it. That was the good part.
I thought I'd put cheer in the kids' blood.
[chuckles]
But I lost them,
just like that cruise ship lost that lady.
- I've seen Courteney do a lot of things.
She nursed me back to health.
She built a deck in a day-- yesterday.
- I'm gonna go on back to bed.
- One thing I've never seen her do is give up.
Courteney has always been my biggest cheerleader.
I figure it's time for me to be hers.
[indistinct TV chatter]
- Hey, baby. I got a surprise for you.
- Baby, I can't right now. I'm watching my murders.
- I really think you're gonna like it.
- They just dragged this lady out of a lake.
- All right, well, I'm about to drag you off this bed.
Come here. - No.
- We're going hobo knapsack-style.
- I'm not wearing pants.
- Well, I got your workout sweats in the truck.
Now, come here. [grunts]
- Baby, baby, baby, wait! - What?
What? - My Candy Buttons.
- All right. - [grunts]
- Got it. - [groans]
- Thank you.
[soft music]
Boon, can I open my eyes yet?
- No, you may not, but you can use your legs.
There we go. All right.
And let's hold right here.
- [sniffs]
I smell possum urine and black mold.
What are we doing in my gym?
- 5, 6, 7, 8!
Roll, Buttons, roll! - Steven?
[Fall Out Boy's "My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark"]
- ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
- Baby, this is the routine I sent them.
How did you even get them here?
- It was easy.
Turns out they do have cheer in their blood.
And you put it there. - Aww.
- All I had to do was tell them that you needed them.
- Come here, Boonie.
- ♪ Be careful making wishes in the dark, dark ♪
♪ Can't be sure when they've hit their mark, mark ♪
♪ And besides, in the mean, meantime ♪
♪ I'm just dreaming of tearing you apart ♪
♪ I just gotta get you off the cage ♪
♪ I'm a young lover's rage ♪
♪ Gonna need a spark to ignite ♪
♪ My songs know what you did in the dark ♪
♪ So light 'em up, up, up ♪
- [chuckle] - ♪ Light 'em up, up, up ♪
♪ Light 'em up, up, up ♪
♪ I'm on fire ♪
♪ So light 'em up, up, up ♪
♪ Light 'em up, up, up ♪
♪ I'm on fire ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ In the dark, dark ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ In the dark, dark ♪
[cheers and applause]
- That's my Buttons! Yeah!
- Did you like it?
- Oh, my God, Krystal, I didn't know you were back.
- How did you know it was me?
- I just--I thought I lost y'all.
- No, Coach.
Hey, hey, hey, we are Buttons for life.
- [bleep] yeah. - Buttons, baby!
- [sighs] I'ma get us back, yeah?
I don't know how, but I'm gonna do it.
Y'all, come here, gather 'round me, OK?
Y'all, get a shot of me and my Butt--
.
- So at the end of "The Year Without a Santa Claus,"
Santa learns that people still do have Christmas spirit.
So he packs up his sleigh,
and he delivers presents.
I don't know why that gets me so much,
but my point is,
Santa's gonna make it to Daytona this year,
and he's gonna deliver presents.
[percussive music]
I'm Santa in this situation.
You're gonna get the AI data center out of here
and get Headltston up and running again.
- You're wasting your time.
- No, I think my husband can tell you I do not waste time.
[suspenseful music]
I was just minding my own business,
watching "Dateline," eating my Candy Buttons,
and I started noticing a pattern.
- Please rise as we try to remember the Missing Six.
- So I googled the Missing Six and Augustus Sslimpfh.
Then I did some more research using the new AI algorithm,
which, despite its electricity and soul-sucking nature,
is actually so good. - I know.
It's going to ruin us, but in an efficient way.
- It is helpful.
I never thought I would-- anyway,
I think the people of Headltston
are gonna find what I discovered compelling.
♪ ♪
- You're bluffing.
- Am I?
Or does this thumb drive directly link
the Candy Button Factory to the Missing Six?
- [gasps]
[line trills]
Hans, it is Augustus.
Code Blue 42.
Now, she has a thumb drive.
- I was totally bluffing.
I just found this thumb drive in Boon's office.
But if true crime has taught me anything,
it's you don't let a lack of evidence
get in the way of an accusation.
The AI data center? Out of business.
[car horns honking]
As for Jolene Tittle, no idea,
but there are rumors.
- No, I did not harm Jolene.
How would I even do that?
Put her in the mixing vat,
slowly coat her in corn syrup,
send her down the conveyor belt until she gathers
just the right amount of sugar crystals,
then press her flat with the big Button stamp,
package her up in a wax paper strip,
and send her off to rural Arkansas?
[giggles]
This is absurd.
I was able to call in some favors
and have the business shut down.
But no, she's not dead.
- I could not be happier to get out of this [bleep] hole.
I haven't had a vegetable in three weeks.
[mellow music]
- And we are officially back on the road to Daytona.
Yes!
♪ ♪
- [gasps] Look at these new mats.
"There's still a little cheerleader in me.
Go kick ass in Daytona. Jolene."
I mean, she has her flaws, but don't we all?
♪ ♪
- [whistling]