1
00:00:09,467 --> 00:00:11,301
<i>It's kind of a weird thing to be over 50,</i>

2
00:00:11,302 --> 00:00:14,471
<i>really starting to realize,
like, how fucked up you are.</i>

3
00:00:18,893 --> 00:00:21,730
<i>Like, I thought I did standup
'cause I loved comedy.</i>

4
00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:24,314
<i>And then, what I really
figured out was, like,</i>

5
00:00:24,315 --> 00:00:26,191
<i>no, that's not why I did it.</i>

6
00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:28,527
I did standup because
that was the easiest way

7
00:00:28,528 --> 00:00:31,739
to walk into a room
full of a bunch of people

8
00:00:31,740 --> 00:00:33,657
that I didn't know

9
00:00:33,658 --> 00:00:36,535
<i>and make everybody like me.</i>

10
00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:39,831
Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr!

11
00:00:41,207 --> 00:00:44,335
All of the way
I've-I've moved through the world

12
00:00:44,336 --> 00:00:46,170
has-has always been like,

13
00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:48,964
where's the place I have
the least chance of being hurt?

14
00:00:57,223 --> 00:01:00,060
Alright, thank you!
Thank you very much!

15
00:01:01,853 --> 00:01:04,856
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Alright.

16
00:01:07,942 --> 00:01:10,945
How are ya? How's it going?
Nice to be here.

17
00:01:11,988 --> 00:01:14,823
Nice to be here in Seattle, man.

18
00:01:14,824 --> 00:01:17,910
- Alright?

19
00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:21,622
This is where all
the progressive stuff happens.

20
00:01:21,623 --> 00:01:23,999
- Jesus Christ.

21
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:27,961
I went up to that Capitol Hill,
the hipster area.

22
00:01:27,962 --> 00:01:30,047
I think I was the only guy
not transitioning.

23
00:01:32,175 --> 00:01:35,762
Fucking unbelievable.

24
00:01:37,138 --> 00:01:41,100
Um, there's a whole new race
of people out there. Who knew?

25
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:43,519
Who knew? It used to be,
"You're either gay or you're straight!

26
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:46,730
There's, there's no fucking in-between!"
Oh yes, there is.

27
00:01:46,731 --> 00:01:49,483
- Oh yes, there is.

28
00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:51,026
I don't pretend to pay attention.

29
00:01:51,027 --> 00:01:54,113
I am an old man at this point.
I don't watch the news.

30
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,240
You know, people who watch
the news fascinate me.

31
00:01:56,241 --> 00:01:58,409
They're always eyebrows up and ,

32
00:01:58,410 --> 00:02:01,203
and, like, freaking out.
You're like, "Oh, yeah, alright.

33
00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:03,414
"You just wanna walk around
in fight-or-flight mode

34
00:02:03,415 --> 00:02:05,666
- your whole fucking life?"

35
00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:08,085
"This is what's happening!
And there's plastic!

36
00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:10,546
"There's plastic in the cereal!
And then it's going into your children,

37
00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:12,716
and then, they're gonna be
little plastic people!"

38
00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:15,759
Is there any sort of solution?

39
00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:17,594
"No, no, no! Just this information!

40
00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:21,182
Walk around with this!
Enjoy your workday!"

41
00:02:22,934 --> 00:02:25,477
Yeah, I don't pay attention to shit.

42
00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:27,396
I don't know what's going on, right?

43
00:02:27,397 --> 00:02:29,732
- That's... I feel like that--

44
00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:32,444
I mean, I, I, I kinda
know what's going on.

45
00:02:33,528 --> 00:02:36,405
Like, I know Gaza Strip,
that's still going, right?

46
00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:42,661
Yeah! Alright. Okay, that's going on.

47
00:02:42,662 --> 00:02:46,040
- Well, did you pick a side?

48
00:02:46,041 --> 00:02:48,709
Well, who deserves to live more, right?

49
00:02:48,710 --> 00:02:50,210
I hate that shit.

50
00:02:50,211 --> 00:02:51,962
Well, these kids,
they're-- they more line up

51
00:02:51,963 --> 00:02:55,007
with our foreign policy
than these kids over here.

52
00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:57,343
And it's just, I don't...
It just-- I don't know. I don't know.

53
00:02:57,344 --> 00:03:00,095
- How the fuck is war still legal in 2024?

54
00:03:00,096 --> 00:03:02,556
- Can you explain that to me? Like--

55
00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:04,558
I don't want these
Oprah Winfrey applause breaks.

56
00:03:04,559 --> 00:03:08,437
Stop doing that.
I'm just asking the question, alright?

57
00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:09,521
I mean, as a comedian,

58
00:03:09,522 --> 00:03:13,400
I can't call a fat fuck
a fat fuck anymore, alright?

59
00:03:13,401 --> 00:03:15,694
Even if he took my last slice of pizza

60
00:03:15,695 --> 00:03:18,405
and is denying it
with pepperoni on his breath,

61
00:03:18,406 --> 00:03:21,325
I can't be like,
"You fat, man-titted cunt.

62
00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:24,161
I know what you did. Own up to it."
Everybody's like,

63
00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:26,246
"Alright, well, he took your pizza,

64
00:03:26,247 --> 00:03:28,916
"but that's, like,
no reason to body shame.

65
00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:30,417
- I mean, huh?"

66
00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:33,295
It's like, yeah, it is!
I can't get the fucking pizza back.

67
00:03:33,296 --> 00:03:36,256
At least I can make him
feel bad about himself, right?

68
00:03:38,843 --> 00:03:42,429
Yeah, I'm not allowed to do that,
but it's still socially acceptable

69
00:03:42,430 --> 00:03:46,475
to shoot a missile in the general
direction of somebody you're upset with.

70
00:03:50,855 --> 00:03:53,440
You're like,
"Dude, there was, like, kids over there!"

71
00:03:53,441 --> 00:03:54,733
This is my favorite response,

72
00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:58,320
"Well, you know,
they're using kids as human shields."

73
00:03:58,321 --> 00:04:00,406
It's like,
"Well, you gotta work around that!"

74
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:06,328
Jesus Christ, if I'm mad at my neighbor,

75
00:04:06,329 --> 00:04:08,163
and I wanna beat shit the out of him,

76
00:04:08,164 --> 00:04:10,416
but he's holding a baby, right?

77
00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:13,878
I wouldn't come in and try
to punch him through the baby.

78
00:04:14,963 --> 00:04:18,173
Eh, you go in, you know,
you-you-you throw a hook.

79
00:04:18,174 --> 00:04:20,551
- You-You sweep the legs.

80
00:04:20,552 --> 00:04:21,885
You do it on the lawn,

81
00:04:21,886 --> 00:04:25,681
so the baby bounces off
the grass, alright?

82
00:04:25,682 --> 00:04:27,641
There's fucking rules to this shit!

83
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,481
I do think it's hilarious
that college kids are all freaking out,

84
00:04:34,482 --> 00:04:36,692
you know, fucking
supporting the Palestinians.

85
00:04:36,693 --> 00:04:38,777
"How dare the Israelis

86
00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:42,114
"do what our country
has been doing for 20 years?

87
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:44,992
"What the fuck?
You don't do that shit.

88
00:04:44,993 --> 00:04:46,869
We do."

89
00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:51,081
Oh, you didn't like that one, did you?

90
00:04:51,082 --> 00:04:52,958
That was, that was a little
too close to home? Alright.

91
00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:54,752
- No, I know.

92
00:04:54,753 --> 00:04:57,755
- We're liberating people.

93
00:04:57,756 --> 00:04:59,673
Whatever, like I said,
you don't listen to me.

94
00:04:59,674 --> 00:05:01,925
Don't listen to me.
I don't know what's going on.

95
00:05:01,926 --> 00:05:04,971
I'm just living my life, man, you know?

96
00:05:06,097 --> 00:05:08,432
Keeping my life small.
I'm just working on my home life,

97
00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:10,184
and, uh, it's been
working out good for me,

98
00:05:10,185 --> 00:05:12,353
like, right now, currently, you know?

99
00:05:12,354 --> 00:05:15,689
'Cause the relationship
is alive, man, right?

100
00:05:15,690 --> 00:05:18,108
Currently, I am getting along
with my wife better

101
00:05:18,109 --> 00:05:21,403
than I ever have in the 20 years
that I've known her.

102
00:05:21,404 --> 00:05:24,448
- Yeah.

103
00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:28,160
Yeah, I figured something out.
I figured something out.

104
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:31,830
Basically, what happened was
a friend of mine died, right?

105
00:05:35,293 --> 00:05:37,211
I'm of that age, you know?

106
00:05:37,212 --> 00:05:40,172
It's starting to happen.
I'm 56, right?

107
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:43,759
Which, granted, this is too young
to die of natural causes,

108
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,929
but it's not too young
to drop dead, right?

109
00:05:48,306 --> 00:05:52,184
Like, as a man,
I am in my drop-dead years,

110
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:56,897
which are, basically,
ages 49 to about 61.

111
00:05:56,898 --> 00:05:58,565
You know, anything past that,

112
00:05:58,566 --> 00:06:01,318
you're just looking at, like,
a prolonged illness, you know?

113
00:06:03,947 --> 00:06:05,657
But these are the years

114
00:06:06,741 --> 00:06:08,242
that men drop dead.

115
00:06:08,243 --> 00:06:12,079
And dropping dead is, is a uniquely
male experience, right?

116
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,831
- Women don't drop dead!

117
00:06:13,832 --> 00:06:15,833
When's the last time
you were out to brunch

118
00:06:15,834 --> 00:06:17,918
and there was some woman,
"Hey, let's get a mimosa!"

119
00:06:17,919 --> 00:06:21,255
Just grabs her chest,
face down into some tapas.

120
00:06:21,256 --> 00:06:25,217
- "Oh, my God! Kathy!" Right?

121
00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:28,429
They don't!
Men drop dead all the fucking time.

122
00:06:28,430 --> 00:06:31,224
You're out there on the golf course,
some guy fucking...

123
00:06:31,975 --> 00:06:34,059
all of a sudden,

124
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:36,603
just fucking into the shrubs.

125
00:06:36,604 --> 00:06:40,774
Another guy driving at you in a cart,
his body just falls out the side.

126
00:06:40,775 --> 00:06:42,861
"What happened?"
"You know what happened!"

127
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:46,238
He never cried!
That's what happened.

128
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:49,533
- And he held  onto it.

129
00:06:49,534 --> 00:06:50,617
You know,

130
00:06:50,618 --> 00:06:53,704
he was fucking putting his pants on,
and he just rolled back on the bed.

131
00:06:53,705 --> 00:06:57,000
He never got back up again.
It can happen!

132
00:06:58,084 --> 00:06:59,585
Like, I'll give you a scenario.

133
00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:02,671
Let's say, you know,
I'm upstairs in the bathroom,

134
00:07:02,672 --> 00:07:05,382
my wife's downstairs
making me breakfast, right?

135
00:07:05,383 --> 00:07:09,094
- It's a fantasy, you know?

136
00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:11,806
Let's pretend women
still cook for their men.

137
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,476
She's Postmating something,

138
00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:17,770
and she's heating it up in the microwave.

139
00:07:19,647 --> 00:07:21,815
"That's my love language, right?"

140
00:07:21,816 --> 00:07:24,735
And I'm upstairs in
the bathroom, and, all of a sudden,

141
00:07:24,736 --> 00:07:27,863
she just hears a big thud
on the floor.

142
00:07:27,864 --> 00:07:30,699
And it's just like,
"Honey? Honey, was that you?

143
00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:34,203
This isn't funny! Honey?"

144
00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:36,538
Right? And next thing you know,
you're at my funeral.

145
00:07:36,539 --> 00:07:39,458
- It happens just like that,

146
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:41,960
and somebody's trying
to put a positive spin on it.

147
00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:45,172
"You know, he died doing what he loved...

148
00:07:46,591 --> 00:07:49,843
"...trimming his pubes
in the upstairs bathroom

149
00:07:49,844 --> 00:07:53,305
- while listening to AC/DC."

150
00:07:57,936 --> 00:07:59,645
You know, my favorite guy at the funeral

151
00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:02,481
is the guy who tries to figure out
exactly what happened

152
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:04,359
like it's a <i>Law and Order</i> episode.

153
00:08:04,984 --> 00:08:07,403
"You know, I think what
happened was he was looking down

154
00:08:07,404 --> 00:08:10,656
"at what he was doing,
and his-his head's heavy, you know?

155
00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:13,492
"And he got on his toes,
he lost his balance,

156
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:16,954
"and whacked his head on the sink,
and it came flying back,

157
00:08:16,955 --> 00:08:21,000
and there was no bathmat. You know,
that-that-that's kind of what happened."

158
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:27,924
So, anyway,
I lose another friend.

159
00:08:29,426 --> 00:08:31,552
My buddy dies.
I show up to the funeral,

160
00:08:31,553 --> 00:08:33,387
open casket.

161
00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:36,015
It's last year.
2023, open casket.

162
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:38,934
- We're still doing that?

163
00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:41,603
Huh? I've never understood open casket.

164
00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:44,773
I don't get it. It's like,
"You told me he was dead.

165
00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:48,153
- I believed you!"

166
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:51,113
What, is there some asshole coming in,

167
00:08:51,114 --> 00:08:54,033
"I'm calling bullshit, alright?

168
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,827
"No, no. He had a lot of credit card debt.

169
00:08:56,828 --> 00:08:59,455
"He wasn't getting along with his wife.

170
00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:01,582
"Perfect candidate to fake his own death.

171
00:09:01,583 --> 00:09:03,917
"Alright, let's go.
Open it up, open it up.

172
00:09:03,918 --> 00:09:06,921
"Let's see what you got.
Let's see what you got.

173
00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:11,300
"Alright, that's pretty good.
It's pretty good.

174
00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:16,013
"He looks pretty dead, man.
You know, Frank likes to fuck around,

175
00:09:16,014 --> 00:09:18,183
so leave it open!
Let's see what we got!"

176
00:09:20,101 --> 00:09:22,436
Dude, they left it open.
They had my buddy propped up

177
00:09:22,437 --> 00:09:25,522
like he was watching <i>SportsCenter</i>
for, like, 90 minutes.

178
00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:31,070
Fucking sitting there looking
at the side of my friend's dead head.

179
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:34,574
Like, why do I need that
on the memory bank, you know?

180
00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:36,992
So, anyway, it's a funeral.
So, what happens?

181
00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:39,244
You-You start, you start thinking
about your life, you know?

182
00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:40,704
You take stock in it.

183
00:09:40,705 --> 00:09:43,707
I start thinking about
how fast my life's going by,

184
00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:45,292
how quick my kids are growing up.

185
00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:48,087
And then, I had this thought
I've never had before.

186
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:51,548
I started thinking about how fast
my marriage was going by.

187
00:09:51,549 --> 00:09:52,966
Right? I was like, "Goddamn, you know,

188
00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:55,511
I've been married almost frickin'
11 years at this point."

189
00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:57,554
- And I started thinking, like, you know--

190
00:09:57,555 --> 00:10:01,100
- You're not in it.

191
00:10:03,144 --> 00:10:06,480
I love when people do that.
"I've been married for 45 years."

192
00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:07,940
Be like, "Woo!"

193
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:10,526
It's like, he could have her chained
to a radiator, alright?

194
00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:16,116
You have no idea what is going on!

195
00:10:18,702 --> 00:10:21,537
Jesus Christ, you can't always
be thinking positive, people!

196
00:10:21,538 --> 00:10:24,039
Come on, you gotta fucking
keep your head on a swivel!

197
00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:28,168
Maybe she wanted to leave,
and I won't let her.

198
00:10:28,169 --> 00:10:30,838
No, no. I like to think
we're happily married.

199
00:10:30,839 --> 00:10:32,881
So, I just started thinking,
"Now, we've been together

200
00:10:32,882 --> 00:10:35,843
for, like, 11 years, you know?"
And then, I just started thinking,

201
00:10:35,844 --> 00:10:37,803
all these stupid fights
I'm having with her,

202
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:40,931
I don't remember what
half of 'em are about.

203
00:10:40,932 --> 00:10:44,935
She agreed to spend her life with me,
and I'm being this curmudgeonly asshole,

204
00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:48,273
and I'm kinda ruining, a little bit,
the-the one life she has.

205
00:10:50,108 --> 00:10:51,942
So, I'm sitting back there,
I'm looking at his dead head,

206
00:10:51,943 --> 00:10:54,570
- and I think to myself...

207
00:10:57,824 --> 00:11:00,784
I couldn't not look at it! I don't--
Where else am I looking?

208
00:11:02,078 --> 00:11:04,872
There's a fucking dead body there!
I'm listening to your eulogy?

209
00:11:04,873 --> 00:11:06,207
I'm not!
I'm looking at that like...

210
00:11:07,751 --> 00:11:10,711
"Is that gonna be me someday?
I guess it is! Jesus Christ!"

211
00:11:13,965 --> 00:11:15,674
So, at that moment, I was like,
"You know what?

212
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:18,927
"I think in the back nine, I'm just gonna
try to be a little more agreeable.

213
00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:25,017
"You know?
Just try to go with the flow...

214
00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:27,394
- a little more."

215
00:11:27,395 --> 00:11:30,481
Now, I didn't think this was a big
adjustment to my relationship.

216
00:11:30,482 --> 00:11:33,902
- Turned out to be huge.

217
00:11:34,611 --> 00:11:37,571
I didn't realize I was
that fucking disagreeable!

218
00:11:37,572 --> 00:11:39,948
Evidently, I was

219
00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:42,534
'cause I quickly noticed,
my wife talks to me in a regular voice.

220
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,036
You know?
She doesn't like what I say,

221
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:46,830
she'll give me shit back,
she breaks my balls, or whatever.

222
00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:49,541
But I noticed, though,
whenever she was going to ask me

223
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:53,253
to do something with her that she thought
maybe I didn't wanna do,

224
00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:57,132
all of a sudden, she would take on, like,
this eggshell-y kinda voice, you know?

225
00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:59,009
She'd be talking normally,
"You going out tonight?

226
00:11:59,010 --> 00:12:02,096
You gonna do some standup? Alright, cool."
Then, all of a sudden, she'd just be like,

227
00:12:02,097 --> 00:12:04,306
"Yeah, hey, uh, listen. Um..."

228
00:12:06,685 --> 00:12:09,436
There's always some sort of inanimate
object that she was playing with.

229
00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:12,231
"Yeah, hey, um...

230
00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:15,192
wanted to talk to you
about something, you know?"

231
00:12:15,193 --> 00:12:18,404
Really, like, timid, like she was
trying to figure out which wire to snip

232
00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:20,489
so the bomb wouldn't go off.

233
00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:22,951
- Like, "Yeah, hey, uh...

234
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,705
"Listen, um, a friend of mine said
there's a, uh, new restaurant

235
00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:29,957
"that opened up right around the corner,

236
00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:32,293
"and it's, uh, supposed to be really good,
and, uh...

237
00:12:33,044 --> 00:12:35,879
"I don't know, I was thinking
maybe we could go out one night.

238
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:38,298
You know, have a date night,
see if it's actually as good as they say."

239
00:12:42,637 --> 00:12:45,806
Now, the old me would've been
like, "Oh yeah! Great! Fantastic!

240
00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:48,726
"I'm only on the road
41 weeks out of the year!

241
00:12:48,727 --> 00:12:53,313
"God forbid I spend one fucking night
on my own goddamn couch!

242
00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:57,234
"I mean, Jesus Christ!
Why don't you just take me to LAX,

243
00:12:57,235 --> 00:13:01,155
"stick me on a fucking plane,
and get me back out there?

244
00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:04,366
"Am I, am I even a person to you
or am I just a fucking ATM machine?!

245
00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:07,244
- Is that what it is?!"

246
00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:10,164
- Alright? That was the old me.

247
00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:15,210
Yeah, no, that, that was the old me,

248
00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:17,338
but not new easygoing Bill!

249
00:13:17,339 --> 00:13:19,841
- No siree!

250
00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:24,678
I just went like,
"Alright, cool. Sounds like fun."

251
00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:27,014
And she was like, "Really?"

252
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:32,644
And I was like, "Yeah."
And I swear to God, she went,

253
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:35,731
- "Yay."

254
00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:38,984
And then, she came over,

255
00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:41,695
and she gave me the sweetest
little peck on my cheek.

256
00:13:41,696 --> 00:13:43,655
- Yeah, I felt that jolt of love

257
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:46,992
you feel in the beginning
of the relationship.

258
00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:49,119
Took me by surprise.
And she walked outta the room.

259
00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:51,747
- I was like, "Wow, what was that?

260
00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:55,376
"I want more of that in my relationship!

261
00:13:55,377 --> 00:13:58,545
I'm gonna try some more of this
agreeing shit! This is pretty good."

262
00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:04,426
- Yeah, so we go out.

263
00:14:04,427 --> 00:14:06,428
Yeah, we go out to dinner,

264
00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:08,472
we have a great time,
and the next two weeks,

265
00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:10,224
it's a little more easygoing, you know?

266
00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:12,351
It's a little more easy-breezy
there, right?

267
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:14,103
And everything's fine.
She's talking to me normal.

268
00:14:14,104 --> 00:14:15,938
And then a couple weeks goes by,
and all of a sudden,

269
00:14:15,939 --> 00:14:18,399
once again, the eggshell voice.
She just starts going,

270
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:22,070
- "Hey, uh..."

271
00:14:22,779 --> 00:14:25,490
"Something I've been meaning
to talk to you about, uh...

272
00:14:26,908 --> 00:14:29,827
"You know, we're going to that
wedding up in Paso Robles,

273
00:14:29,828 --> 00:14:31,537
"you know, in a couple weeks, you know?

274
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:34,206
"You know, we're supposed to just kinda
go right up and come right back down.

275
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:35,792
"Well, you know, I was
just kinda thinking,

276
00:14:36,251 --> 00:14:38,670
"you know, we both love wine country,
and, uh...

277
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:41,422
"what if we just didn't come right back?

278
00:14:41,423 --> 00:14:45,300
"What if we went up and maybe stayed
an extra couple of days, you know?

279
00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:48,679
"Take something that was gonna cost $900,
make it cost $4,000.

280
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:52,642
- "I just thought... maybe...

281
00:14:54,477 --> 00:14:56,603
maybe we could do something like that,
get reconnected."

282
00:15:00,608 --> 00:15:03,360
And I just go,
"Yeah, sure, you know?

283
00:15:03,361 --> 00:15:06,238
Sounds great."
And she was just like, "Wow!

284
00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:09,700
You are being such a good sport lately."
And now,

285
00:15:09,701 --> 00:15:12,953
I'm waiting for that peck on the cheek,
but it doesn't come, right?

286
00:15:12,954 --> 00:15:15,748
- She just stands her ground.

287
00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:17,333
'Cause, you know, women,
you give them an inch,

288
00:15:17,334 --> 00:15:20,544
they wanna take a mile, right?
So, she's just standing there,

289
00:15:20,545 --> 00:15:23,464
and she's just kinda like,
"Okay, cool 'cause, uh,

290
00:15:23,465 --> 00:15:27,051
"I was also thinking, um,

291
00:15:27,052 --> 00:15:28,927
"you know, it's not just
the wedding, you know?

292
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:30,554
"There's, like,
all these events around it.

293
00:15:30,555 --> 00:15:32,681
"Like, there's the night before
the drinks, you meet people,

294
00:15:32,682 --> 00:15:35,225
"then the morning, there's a brunch,
then there's the wedding itself.

295
00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:37,436
"And then, the day after,
there's, like, a little pool party thing.

296
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:39,438
"And I was thinking,
I don't know, you know,

297
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:42,191
"maybe we could go shopping
and buy different outfits

298
00:15:42,192 --> 00:15:44,026
"for each one of those,

299
00:15:44,027 --> 00:15:45,944
- each one of those events?"

300
00:15:48,198 --> 00:15:50,282
So, look at me.
Obviously, I don't like to shop.

301
00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:52,951
I'm just not into this shit,
so-- but I went along with it.

302
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:54,953
And I gotta tell you,
though, she was right, right?

303
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:57,623
I went up-- I go up to Paso Robles.
I hate picking out outfits.

304
00:15:57,624 --> 00:15:59,458
All of my outfits were laid out

305
00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:02,461
like I was some 8-year-old kid, you know?
And I'm just sitting there like,

306
00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:06,131
"This is my breakfast
outfit! I'm going downstairs!

307
00:16:06,132 --> 00:16:08,509
"I'm gonna have waffles and some bacon,

308
00:16:08,510 --> 00:16:10,928
"maybe even some pancakes!

309
00:16:10,929 --> 00:16:13,180
"Now, I have on my sport coat.
Ooh, I'm a big boy!

310
00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:16,642
I'm gonna talk about the environment
and have some drinkypoos,"  right?

311
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:19,353
And, dude, we got along great.
Got along great.

312
00:16:19,354 --> 00:16:21,730
We looked great in the pictures.
We ended up hooking up.

313
00:16:21,731 --> 00:16:24,650
We had a fantastic fucking time.

314
00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:29,030
And I've just been doing that!

315
00:16:30,115 --> 00:16:31,657
And I've never gotten
along with her better.

316
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:33,534
That's basically what it is.

317
00:16:33,535 --> 00:16:37,079
All you have to do to make 'em happy
is just, once a month,

318
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:40,332
agree to some shit that
you would never fucking do...

319
00:16:44,713 --> 00:16:48,465
...that they wanna do, and th-they'll
just be, like, happy as hell!

320
00:16:48,466 --> 00:16:50,884
- Yes. Exactly.

321
00:16:50,885 --> 00:16:54,930
Basically, what you guys are
looking at here is a broken man.

322
00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:03,731
After 20 years,
she finally got the saddle on my back.

323
00:17:03,732 --> 00:17:07,067
She's petting my neck. I'm like...
, I don't give a shit.

324
00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:09,945
Which way do you want me
to pull the wagon?

325
00:17:09,946 --> 00:17:13,198
Yeah, that's all you gotta do.
Agree to whatever dumb shit.

326
00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:14,700
And you can't just agree.

327
00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:17,870
You gotta be enthusiastic about it,
you know? Like,

328
00:17:17,871 --> 00:17:19,538
"Farmers' market!

329
00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:22,750
- "Oh boy, would I?!

330
00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:26,128
"Oh, my goodness, is corn in season?!

331
00:17:26,129 --> 00:17:28,422
"Well, shit, I'll hold the bag!

332
00:17:30,175 --> 00:17:33,260
I'll tape the game.
Don't worry about it."

333
00:17:39,851 --> 00:17:42,644
'Cause I know this, this ain't about me.

334
00:17:45,106 --> 00:17:48,025
No. I don't wanna go to that dark place.

335
00:17:49,944 --> 00:17:51,987
Well, fuck it, let's go then, alright?

336
00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:55,157
- Okay!

337
00:17:55,158 --> 00:17:58,994
I know, it always rains on you guys.
You guys are all fucking depressed, right?

338
00:17:58,995 --> 00:18:01,622
Under the bridge, doing whatever the fuck
you're doing up here,

339
00:18:01,623 --> 00:18:03,540
writing your sad music.

340
00:18:06,628 --> 00:18:09,005
Anyway.
Yeah, so...

341
00:18:10,924 --> 00:18:12,675
I'm in this weird part of my life.
I really am.

342
00:18:12,676 --> 00:18:15,886
It's-It's this great thing where
I'm just letting go of a lot of shit

343
00:18:15,887 --> 00:18:17,805
and also kinda discovering
stuff about myself.

344
00:18:17,806 --> 00:18:20,391
Like, I real--
I found out, uh, recently I have, like,

345
00:18:20,392 --> 00:18:22,810
- depression issues.

346
00:18:22,811 --> 00:18:25,562
I couldn't believe it. I always hated
when people, "Oh, I'm fucking depressed."

347
00:18:25,563 --> 00:18:28,983
Shut up, you fucking pussy.
Just get up and plow through it.

348
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:31,777
Like, they're,
"I got clinical depression.

349
00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:34,906
I can't even get off the ground."
I had no fucking empathy...

350
00:18:36,574 --> 00:18:38,450
whatsoever.
I used to look at those people like,

351
00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:40,953
- "What the fuck is wrong with them?"

352
00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:43,664
And I had the exact same thing.
Had no fucking idea, you know?

353
00:18:43,665 --> 00:18:45,124
I don't have, like, clinical depression.

354
00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:47,001
I have, like--
I have regular depression,

355
00:18:47,002 --> 00:18:49,253
- you know?

356
00:18:49,254 --> 00:18:52,089
I got the regular stuff. Like, a lot of
fucked-up shit happened to me.

357
00:18:52,090 --> 00:18:55,134
I never dealt with it. I just kinda kept
putting it over here, you know?

358
00:18:55,135 --> 00:18:56,844
It just sorta floats over here,

359
00:18:56,845 --> 00:18:58,929
and every once in a while,
it taps me on the shoulder like,

360
00:18:58,930 --> 00:19:02,307
"Hey, you ready to deal with this shit?"
I'm like, "Okay, maybe.

361
00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:04,727
"Or I could death scroll on Instagram

362
00:19:04,728 --> 00:19:07,229
"and watch some guy
refurbishing old skillets

363
00:19:07,230 --> 00:19:11,191
- for, like, the next three hours..." Yeah.

364
00:19:11,192 --> 00:19:13,986
Oh yeah, I'll stay up
'til 3:00 in the morning

365
00:19:13,987 --> 00:19:16,071
watching people, like, powerwash,

366
00:19:16,072 --> 00:19:18,907
like, sidewalks and driveways

367
00:19:18,908 --> 00:19:21,994
rather than unpacking that shit.

368
00:19:21,995 --> 00:19:24,788
And it's always fucking
tapping me on the shoulder, I--

369
00:19:24,789 --> 00:19:27,374
you know, creeping up on me.
I call it "the fog",

370
00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:29,835
so I-I fucking--
I try to stay ahead of it,

371
00:19:29,836 --> 00:19:32,254
and I have all these hobbies
and all these different things that I do,

372
00:19:32,255 --> 00:19:34,548
so I just keep moving
so it can't keep up with me, right?

373
00:19:34,549 --> 00:19:37,301
And I've noticed, at some point,

374
00:19:37,302 --> 00:19:40,387
I'm gonna have to face this shit, right?
So, the end of last year,

375
00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:42,139
I was taking, like,
six weeks off from the road,

376
00:19:42,140 --> 00:19:43,766
and I knew this shit was coming, right?

377
00:19:43,767 --> 00:19:45,893
I felt it. It was,
"Hey, here you go, Bill.

378
00:19:45,894 --> 00:19:48,103
You're off the road.
Time to deal, right?"

379
00:19:48,104 --> 00:19:49,897
And this time I was like,
"You know what? Fuck this.

380
00:19:49,898 --> 00:19:52,900
"I'm just gonna sit in this shit
as long as I could sit in it,

381
00:19:52,901 --> 00:19:54,318
you know, and see
what happens, right?"

382
00:19:54,319 --> 00:19:57,071
So, it took about three days
before my wife noticed, right?

383
00:19:58,615 --> 00:19:59,698
I was sitting over in the corner.

384
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,617
I had, like, an afghan,
like, wrapped around me.

385
00:20:01,618 --> 00:20:03,869
- I wasn't shaving and shit,

386
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:06,038
and I'm just sitting there
watching TV all day.

387
00:20:06,039 --> 00:20:08,165
And you know what's funny?
When you shave your head like this,

388
00:20:08,166 --> 00:20:10,417
it looks like you know
jujutsu possibly, you know?

389
00:20:10,418 --> 00:20:13,921
But after three days,
you look like some retired shoe salesman,

390
00:20:13,922 --> 00:20:16,715
- you know, that didn't get the gold watch.

391
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:18,717
So, I'm sitting there,

392
00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,719
and my wife,
you know, we got two little kids.

393
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,639
It-It took her a few days to notice.
She finally takes me in. She just goes,

394
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:26,017
she goes, "Hey, what's, uh,
what's going on with you?"

395
00:20:27,185 --> 00:20:29,144
She's like, "Is everything alright?"

396
00:20:29,145 --> 00:20:31,189
And I was like, "Uh, no."

397
00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:34,400
And she's like,
"Well, what's the matter?"

398
00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:36,276
And for the first time
in 20 years of knowing her,

399
00:20:36,277 --> 00:20:39,738
I actually communicated an emotion.

400
00:20:44,077 --> 00:20:46,161
I swear to God.
She goes, "What's the matter?"

401
00:20:46,162 --> 00:20:49,081
And I go, "I'm sad."

402
00:20:51,835 --> 00:20:55,879
Exactly! That's fucking hilarious
coming out of a man's mouth.

403
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:58,340
- It's just funny. Yeah.

404
00:20:58,341 --> 00:21:00,843
She didn't know what the fuck to do!

405
00:21:02,137 --> 00:21:04,054
Right?

406
00:21:04,055 --> 00:21:07,141
Men aren't allowed to be sad.
We're allowed to be one of two things.

407
00:21:07,142 --> 00:21:09,351
We're allowed to be mad or fine.

408
00:21:09,352 --> 00:21:11,478
- That's it, right?

409
00:21:11,479 --> 00:21:14,648
- Those are normal behaviors of a man.

410
00:21:14,649 --> 00:21:17,192
You can be mad like,
"Jesus Christ, who put this here?

411
00:21:17,193 --> 00:21:21,114
"How many fucking times do I gotta say
to keep this goddamn area clean?

412
00:21:21,740 --> 00:21:24,408
"Jesus Christ! Somebody's gonna fall
and break their fucking neck.

413
00:21:24,409 --> 00:21:27,536
I'm so tired-- I said it once,
I've said it 100 fucking times!" Right?

414
00:21:28,621 --> 00:21:30,706
And then what does your wife do?
Just fucking rolls her eyes.

415
00:21:30,707 --> 00:21:33,417
"Ah, just send him out in the yard.
Let him walk it off.

416
00:21:33,418 --> 00:21:36,045
Throw him a beer out there.
He'll be fine," right?

417
00:21:36,046 --> 00:21:39,507
Yeah. He'll be good, right?
You're allowed to be that or fine.

418
00:21:40,842 --> 00:21:42,426
"How you doing, Bill?"
"I'm fine."

419
00:21:43,678 --> 00:21:46,555
"You sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure. I said I was fine.

420
00:21:46,556 --> 00:21:48,640
Why the fuck would I say
I'm fine if I'm not fucking fine?!"

421
00:21:48,641 --> 00:21:52,102
And you're just right back over there,
and your whole fucking life is that.

422
00:21:53,438 --> 00:21:57,191
And what's weird about a guy
is we feel all the other emotions, right?

423
00:21:57,192 --> 00:22:00,944
Melancholy, being sentimental,
enjoying a sunset,

424
00:22:00,945 --> 00:22:03,322
all of that type of shit.
But all this in here

425
00:22:03,323 --> 00:22:06,408
- is just called "gay", right?

426
00:22:09,913 --> 00:22:12,790
It's just a giant bag of gay.

427
00:22:12,791 --> 00:22:14,667
You swing it over your shoulder,

428
00:22:14,668 --> 00:22:16,794
and you just fucking
throw that in the woods.

429
00:22:17,879 --> 00:22:20,506
That's it!
You do that for half a century.

430
00:22:20,507 --> 00:22:23,801
And, one day, you grab your fucking chest,
and you go down, and then that's it.

431
00:22:23,802 --> 00:22:27,096
- It's a fucking wrap.

432
00:22:27,097 --> 00:22:30,849
Yeah! So, I, you know, I'm an old dad.
I gotta be here for my kids,

433
00:22:30,850 --> 00:22:34,478
so I-I gotta start figuring myself
out here. So, yeah, I just told her.

434
00:22:34,479 --> 00:22:36,313
I was like, "Fuck it."
I just said, "I'm sad."

435
00:22:36,314 --> 00:22:38,565
And she just went, like--
She just went, "Oh-oh!"

436
00:22:43,154 --> 00:22:46,281
She's like, "W-Was it something I did?
Did I, did I do something?"

437
00:22:46,282 --> 00:22:48,200
I said, "No, you and me are great.
You and me are great.

438
00:22:48,201 --> 00:22:50,285
"This is some shit from a long time ago,

439
00:22:50,286 --> 00:22:52,746
"you know, that I just been thinking,
it's been coming up and all of that.

440
00:22:52,747 --> 00:22:54,498
It's just been really bothering me."
And she goes,

441
00:22:54,499 --> 00:22:57,544
"Oh, okay.
Well, I'm sorry."

442
00:22:59,295 --> 00:23:01,797
And then she just walked
out of the room.

443
00:23:04,426 --> 00:23:06,427
And I couldn't even get mad at her!

444
00:23:06,428 --> 00:23:08,012
I was just envious, right?

445
00:23:08,013 --> 00:23:10,222
I was like, "I didn't know
you could fucking do that!"

446
00:23:11,307 --> 00:23:14,935
All these years of listening
to you dump your day on me!

447
00:23:16,604 --> 00:23:19,273
Having to actively listen.

448
00:23:19,274 --> 00:23:22,609
- "Mandy said that to you? No, she didn't!

449
00:23:22,610 --> 00:23:26,030
"Oh, my goodness!
So, what did you say?

450
00:23:26,031 --> 00:23:28,532
"Oh! You said that?

451
00:23:28,533 --> 00:23:32,077
"No! You were totally within
your right to say that!

452
00:23:32,078 --> 00:23:34,371
"And I feel proud to be with you,

453
00:23:34,372 --> 00:23:38,000
knowing that you stuck up for yourself
in that fucking moment."

454
00:23:38,001 --> 00:23:40,461
- Jesus Christ, right?

455
00:23:43,506 --> 00:23:45,966
Yes! I didn't realize

456
00:23:45,967 --> 00:23:48,135
that I could just be like,

457
00:23:48,136 --> 00:23:51,388
"Oh, that's between you and Mandy?
Alright, take it easy.

458
00:23:51,389 --> 00:23:53,724
- "Good luck with that shit.

459
00:23:53,725 --> 00:23:55,727
"I'm gonna go watch some hockey.

460
00:23:56,353 --> 00:23:59,271
"That is some you and Mandy shit.
Let me know how that works out.

461
00:23:59,272 --> 00:24:01,815
Or don't. I don't give a fuck."

462
00:24:01,816 --> 00:24:03,902
- Yeah.

463
00:24:05,737 --> 00:24:07,821
Yeah, that's the thing.

464
00:24:07,822 --> 00:24:10,199
So, that's, like, been an adjustment
in the relationship now

465
00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:12,201
that I'm starting to feel feelings

466
00:24:12,202 --> 00:24:16,164
'cause it's not about
the guy at all, right?

467
00:24:16,831 --> 00:24:18,207
Like, all of these fucking holidays.

468
00:24:18,208 --> 00:24:20,751
My fa-- My favorite time of the year
is March and April,

469
00:24:20,752 --> 00:24:24,296
you know what I mean?
It's just 61 glorious days,

470
00:24:24,297 --> 00:24:26,131
no fucking holiday

471
00:24:26,132 --> 00:24:28,050
where the man has to make some sort of

472
00:24:28,051 --> 00:24:31,178
financial gesture
to the woman in his life.

473
00:24:31,179 --> 00:24:32,638
- You know what I mean?

474
00:24:32,639 --> 00:24:35,265
Like Valentine's Day,
it just sneaks up on you every year.

475
00:24:35,266 --> 00:24:37,393
It's like,
I just fucking got you something.

476
00:24:37,394 --> 00:24:39,728
I just paid the bill in January,

477
00:24:39,729 --> 00:24:41,398
and then here we fucking go again!

478
00:24:42,065 --> 00:24:45,150
When are you gonna feel loved, right?
Jesus fucking Christ.

479
00:24:45,151 --> 00:24:48,570
Here you go!
Here's  something shiny!

480
00:24:48,571 --> 00:24:51,615
Are you happy? Oh, that's good.
I'm glad you're happy.

481
00:24:51,616 --> 00:24:55,369
Don't mind me. I'm just over here
in a walking depression.

482
00:24:55,370 --> 00:24:57,621
- But as long as you're happy,

483
00:24:57,622 --> 00:24:59,331
as long as you're happy, I'm happy.

484
00:24:59,332 --> 00:25:01,000
Don't mind me.
Hey, look at me!

485
00:25:01,001 --> 00:25:03,335
I'm over here!
I'm learning how to make a crepe!

486
00:25:03,336 --> 00:25:05,879
Yeah! I'm learning how to make a crepe!

487
00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:08,048
"Wow, Bill, you have so many interests!"

488
00:25:08,049 --> 00:25:10,217
No, just sad.

489
00:25:10,218 --> 00:25:12,594
- Just sad, you know?

490
00:25:14,305 --> 00:25:16,348
Just trying to quiet the voices,

491
00:25:16,349 --> 00:25:20,060
so I don't put rocks in my pocket
and step in the pool! Okay?

492
00:25:20,061 --> 00:25:21,854
Who wants a crepe?!

493
00:25:24,190 --> 00:25:26,817
Yeah. There are a lot of sad men.

494
00:25:26,818 --> 00:25:29,611
I realize that, now that
I know how fucked up I am.

495
00:25:29,612 --> 00:25:31,447
You can always--
Like, I can see through the matrix.

496
00:25:31,448 --> 00:25:34,325
There's so many sad guys.
They don't even know they're sad.

497
00:25:35,452 --> 00:25:36,994
Yeah. Ladies, you--
You-You're married,

498
00:25:36,995 --> 00:25:38,620
you're probably married
to a sad guy right now.

499
00:25:38,621 --> 00:25:40,873
- That's what the fucking garage is for.

500
00:25:40,874 --> 00:25:43,459
That's what the garage is for!
You tease him to your friends.

501
00:25:43,460 --> 00:25:47,087
"He's always out there working on
that project. He's never gonna finish."

502
00:25:47,088 --> 00:25:50,174
Yeah, 'cause he can't see the measurement
through the tears, right?

503
00:25:54,596 --> 00:25:57,431
I'll give you another
classic fucking sad guy.

504
00:25:57,432 --> 00:26:01,477
That cool uncle you got? You know,
the one that never got married, right?

505
00:26:01,478 --> 00:26:03,771
- The one with the motorcycle?

506
00:26:03,772 --> 00:26:05,397
And you're looking at him,
"Wow, he's so cool!

507
00:26:05,398 --> 00:26:07,900
He rides a motorcycle!
He's not afraid to die!"

508
00:26:07,901 --> 00:26:09,777
Yeah, 'cause he died years ago

509
00:26:09,778 --> 00:26:12,363
when whatever happened
to him happened to him.

510
00:26:13,698 --> 00:26:15,157
He comes over for the holidays.

511
00:26:15,158 --> 00:26:17,159
How long does he last,
seeing a loving family?

512
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:19,661
He can't fucking handle it. He wants it,
he doesn't know how to get it.

513
00:26:19,662 --> 00:26:21,455
"Gotta hit the trail!"

514
00:26:21,456 --> 00:26:23,374
- Rides away.

515
00:26:23,375 --> 00:26:25,668
And you're like, "Wow, he's so cool!"

516
00:26:25,669 --> 00:26:28,712
That's 'cause you can't see the tears

517
00:26:28,713 --> 00:26:32,133
streaking down his face,
conditioning his ponytail...

518
00:26:33,635 --> 00:26:35,761
as he rides off to f...

519
00:26:35,762 --> 00:26:39,139
to fuck some sleeve-tattooed
traumatized woman.

520
00:26:43,770 --> 00:26:46,105
Is this too sad for even Seattle?

521
00:26:46,106 --> 00:26:49,191
- Alright.

522
00:26:51,611 --> 00:26:53,946
Alright, well, I will give you,

523
00:26:53,947 --> 00:26:57,991
I will give you the number-one place
to see sad men.

524
00:26:57,992 --> 00:27:00,911
- Guitar Center.

525
00:27:00,912 --> 00:27:03,831
- Oh, my God.

526
00:27:03,832 --> 00:27:07,251
One of the saddest places on Earth!

527
00:27:07,252 --> 00:27:10,838
Failed, struggling musicians
behind the counter.

528
00:27:10,839 --> 00:27:14,675
A bunch of men in loveless marriages,
or divorced,

529
00:27:14,676 --> 00:27:17,720
just walking around,
looking at the guitars.

530
00:27:17,721 --> 00:27:20,014
"Is that a custom color? Is it?

531
00:27:20,015 --> 00:27:22,433
"Maybe if I add that to my collection,

532
00:27:22,434 --> 00:27:25,978
it'll fill up whatever this void is
in the center of my chest."

533
00:27:29,232 --> 00:27:33,152
I don't know. I don't have
any fucking solutions, but...

534
00:27:36,781 --> 00:27:38,658
Yeah, um...

535
00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:43,037
Anyway, what's funny--
So, my home life is great.

536
00:27:43,038 --> 00:27:44,955
I'm getting along great with my wife.
I'm getting along.

537
00:27:44,956 --> 00:27:46,623
You know, kids are awesome.
Everything's great at home.

538
00:27:46,624 --> 00:27:47,833
You know, the balance of life.

539
00:27:47,834 --> 00:27:49,543
If that's gonna be good,
something has to be, like,

540
00:27:49,544 --> 00:27:52,254
fucked up, you know, to fix it.

541
00:27:52,255 --> 00:27:54,757
It sucks, you know?
Like, what's-- My home life is great,

542
00:27:54,758 --> 00:27:56,550
but what sucks is the people
that raised me,

543
00:27:56,551 --> 00:27:59,511
it's not a good situation. Now, you know,
aunts and uncles, everybody getting older,

544
00:27:59,512 --> 00:28:02,890
people dying,
people getting diseases, you know?

545
00:28:02,891 --> 00:28:05,934
Like, recently,
somebody I know got diagnosed,

546
00:28:05,935 --> 00:28:08,729
uh, you know, with dementia,
which is, you know, it-it sucks,

547
00:28:08,730 --> 00:28:10,731
but there's nothing you can do, you know?

548
00:28:10,732 --> 00:28:12,232
What do you do when somebody has dementia?

549
00:28:12,233 --> 00:28:14,610
What can you really do?
You just be nice to 'em, right?

550
00:28:14,611 --> 00:28:17,863
They repeat a story. You just act
like it's the first time they said it,

551
00:28:17,864 --> 00:28:19,406
you know what I mean?

552
00:28:19,407 --> 00:28:20,824
You don't sit there,
looking around the room like,

553
00:28:20,825 --> 00:28:23,952
"They're f-fucking doing this again?
Jesus Christ.

554
00:28:23,953 --> 00:28:27,122
- "What is this, <i>Groundhog Day?</i>

555
00:28:27,123 --> 00:28:30,834
"You think he's gonna change the ending?
I mean, good Lord! I don't give a fuck!

556
00:28:30,835 --> 00:28:33,754
He's not gonna remember
me saying this, right? Hey!"

557
00:28:33,755 --> 00:28:37,800
No, you don't do that. You just act
like it's the first time they said it.

558
00:28:37,801 --> 00:28:39,843
They repeat a question, you just act

559
00:28:39,844 --> 00:28:42,179
like it's the first time they asked it.

560
00:28:42,180 --> 00:28:44,682
You are nice to people with dementia,

561
00:28:44,683 --> 00:28:47,893
unless they're the President
of the United States,

562
00:28:47,894 --> 00:28:50,896
- at which point...

563
00:28:50,897 --> 00:28:54,233
Yeah. At which point, you can go off.

564
00:28:54,234 --> 00:28:57,611
Look at you guys!
People applauding

565
00:28:57,612 --> 00:29:00,948
that somebody has dementia!
How fucked up is that?

566
00:29:00,949 --> 00:29:02,616
Not 30 seconds ago

567
00:29:02,617 --> 00:29:06,036
when I said someone
in my family got diagnosed,

568
00:29:06,037 --> 00:29:08,455
you guys were all--
You could hear a pin drop.

569
00:29:08,456 --> 00:29:10,124
And you had empathy, like, "Oh, no."

570
00:29:10,125 --> 00:29:12,084
Maybe you know, you know somebody
that has it or whatever.

571
00:29:12,085 --> 00:29:14,712
"Oh, my God, that's terrible.
I know what you're going through."

572
00:29:14,713 --> 00:29:17,172
Second you put a blue or a red tie on it,

573
00:29:17,173 --> 00:29:20,884
"Fuck that old man!
Fuck him! I'm glad he's gonna die!"

574
00:29:20,885 --> 00:29:23,762
- Yeah. Still applauding.

575
00:29:23,763 --> 00:29:27,057
- It's fucking...

576
00:29:27,058 --> 00:29:28,350
What is wrong with us?

577
00:29:30,228 --> 00:29:32,105
We're fucking out of our minds!

578
00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:36,943
People aren't gonna take the vaccine,
but they'll take Ozempic, right?

579
00:29:38,028 --> 00:29:40,237
"Well, Ozempic's my choice."
No, it wasn't!

580
00:29:40,238 --> 00:29:42,990
They poisoned the food supply,
and you fucking ballooned up.

581
00:29:42,991 --> 00:29:44,867
And now, you're jabbing that in,

582
00:29:44,868 --> 00:29:47,578
and then they're gonna wheel you in.
It's not, it's not.

583
00:29:47,579 --> 00:29:50,331
- You're a money-making vehicle.

584
00:29:51,583 --> 00:29:54,626
- Anyway...

585
00:29:54,627 --> 00:29:56,337
if Joe Biden--
Here's the funny thing:

586
00:29:56,338 --> 00:29:59,548
if Joe Biden wasn't a politician,
if he wasn't famous,

587
00:29:59,549 --> 00:30:02,802
he was just some random old guy
sitting by himself in a diner,

588
00:30:03,511 --> 00:30:05,221
repeating himself,

589
00:30:06,139 --> 00:30:08,349
there's nobody with him, you would
have empathy for him, going like,

590
00:30:08,350 --> 00:30:09,434
"Oh, my God!

591
00:30:10,810 --> 00:30:13,687
- "Is there anybody with that guy? Oh!

592
00:30:13,688 --> 00:30:16,815
"I mean, that is really dangerous!
Who's gonna help him out?

593
00:30:16,816 --> 00:30:19,526
"How's he gonna know he already had pie?

594
00:30:19,527 --> 00:30:22,321
He could eat himself to death!"
Right?

595
00:30:25,575 --> 00:30:28,285
Second he's a Democrat or a Republican,

596
00:30:28,286 --> 00:30:32,289
you're just like, "Fuck you, old man!
You're losing your mind!

597
00:30:32,290 --> 00:30:35,292
- "You're going crazy!

598
00:30:35,293 --> 00:30:38,463
You already said that! You already
said that! You already said that!"

599
00:30:39,589 --> 00:30:41,965
- I love that shit.

600
00:30:41,966 --> 00:30:43,717
It's what makes human beings hilarious.

601
00:30:43,718 --> 00:30:46,637
I'm one of the biggest hypocrites you're
ever gonna fucking meet in your life,

602
00:30:46,638 --> 00:30:48,681
and I love, I love hypocrites.

603
00:30:48,682 --> 00:30:52,059
I love weird rules. Like, one of
my favorite things about the West Coast

604
00:30:52,060 --> 00:30:56,063
is on the 5 freeway, you have
that, that commuter lane, you know?

605
00:30:56,064 --> 00:30:58,399
You gotta have two people in it,
called the HOV lane.

606
00:30:58,400 --> 00:31:00,943
The high-occupancy,
high-occupancy vehicle lane,

607
00:31:00,944 --> 00:31:02,611
whatever the fuck it's called, right?

608
00:31:02,612 --> 00:31:05,489
Yeah. I just love
the respect that it gets.

609
00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:10,578
For the most part, 99% of people
will not go in that fucking lane

610
00:31:11,371 --> 00:31:12,830
unless they have two people.

611
00:31:12,831 --> 00:31:14,331
We just sit in the other six lanes,

612
00:31:14,332 --> 00:31:17,084
- dead stop, hating life.

613
00:31:17,085 --> 00:31:20,379
"Why did I move out here?
This fucking sucks.

614
00:31:20,380 --> 00:31:23,632
"I can see my house!
I can see it!

615
00:31:23,633 --> 00:31:25,343
I could walk from here!"

616
00:31:25,802 --> 00:31:27,720
And there's this wide-open
lane to freedom.

617
00:31:27,721 --> 00:31:29,096
Nobody goes in it.
They're like,

618
00:31:29,097 --> 00:31:30,806
"Oh, I can't go in that, you know?"

619
00:31:30,807 --> 00:31:34,143
Don't have enough occupancies
in my vehicle!"

620
00:31:34,144 --> 00:31:38,063
Right? And here's the thing.
I could take a chance, right?

621
00:31:38,064 --> 00:31:39,815
I could go in there by myself, okay?

622
00:31:39,816 --> 00:31:42,067
But if there's a cop there,
I'm gonna get pulled over,

623
00:31:42,068 --> 00:31:44,570
I'm gonna get yelled at, I get a ticket,
and my insurance goes up.

624
00:31:44,571 --> 00:31:46,363
I am not allowed to do that.

625
00:31:46,364 --> 00:31:48,657
However!

626
00:31:48,658 --> 00:31:51,076
I can still join the Klan.

627
00:31:54,956 --> 00:31:57,499
I can join the Ku Klux Klan

628
00:31:57,500 --> 00:32:00,878
- and not get in trouble, right?

629
00:32:00,879 --> 00:32:02,838
I don't get yelled at.
I don't get a ticket.

630
00:32:02,839 --> 00:32:05,215
No insurance goes up.

631
00:32:05,216 --> 00:32:09,261
I could drive down the highway
in my Klan outfit,

632
00:32:09,262 --> 00:32:11,930
as long as I had the mud flap up.

633
00:32:11,931 --> 00:32:14,516
Alright, it could say "Grand Dragon"
on the front of the sheet.

634
00:32:14,517 --> 00:32:16,685
I could have a "White Power"
bumper sticker.

635
00:32:16,686 --> 00:32:18,937
I could have a Hitler bobblehead
right on the dashboard,

636
00:32:18,938 --> 00:32:21,857
just sitting there
fucking going like that.

637
00:32:21,858 --> 00:32:24,485
I would not get pulled over

638
00:32:24,486 --> 00:32:28,322
unless I went into the HOV lane, right?

639
00:32:30,033 --> 00:32:32,868
Yeah! And then,
I wouldn't get pulled over

640
00:32:32,869 --> 00:32:35,704
because I joined a terrorist organization.

641
00:32:35,705 --> 00:32:37,331
I would get pulled over

642
00:32:37,332 --> 00:32:39,625
'cause I didn't have
another terrorist with me.

643
00:32:41,670 --> 00:32:43,879
That's what the problem would be.

644
00:32:43,880 --> 00:32:47,342
- Yeah!

645
00:32:49,052 --> 00:32:50,344
Yeah, the cop will be coming up like,

646
00:32:50,345 --> 00:32:52,471
"Well, well, well, aren't we in a hurry

647
00:32:52,472 --> 00:32:55,641
"to get to the cross burning
this evening, huh?

648
00:32:55,642 --> 00:32:59,061
"Who the hell do you think you are, buddy?
I'll tell you right now,

649
00:32:59,062 --> 00:33:02,314
"you better have a Black guy in the trunk,
or you, sir, are in a lot of trouble!

650
00:33:02,315 --> 00:33:04,108
Now, get your license out!"

651
00:33:14,327 --> 00:33:15,828
You know what's funny is

652
00:33:15,829 --> 00:33:18,706
I don't think anybody joins
the Klan anymore, you know?

653
00:33:18,707 --> 00:33:21,750
That's like your great-great-great-
grandfather's hate group.

654
00:33:21,751 --> 00:33:23,544
You know?

655
00:33:27,841 --> 00:33:30,551
I feel like they're still
on horses, you know?

656
00:33:30,552 --> 00:33:32,928
Just a bunch of old, ugly white guys
just riding around,

657
00:33:32,929 --> 00:33:35,597
"Well, God made me in his image!

658
00:33:35,598 --> 00:33:39,393
"Jesus Lord...
fucking... I'll fucking..."

659
00:33:41,396 --> 00:33:43,439
You know what's hilarious about Jesus?

660
00:33:44,941 --> 00:33:48,611
You know what I learned about this guy?
In North America, he's white.

661
00:33:49,571 --> 00:33:52,489
He's, like, almost as white as I am.

662
00:33:52,490 --> 00:33:54,324
But the closer you get to the equator,

663
00:33:54,325 --> 00:33:57,619
the more he starts looking like
Lenny Kravitz. Have you noticed that?

664
00:34:02,792 --> 00:34:05,503
Anyway, yeah. Nobody joins
the Klan anymore, you know?

665
00:34:07,213 --> 00:34:09,882
As a white person,
you don't wanna join the Klan, right?

666
00:34:09,883 --> 00:34:12,051
You wanna join a younger, hipper,

667
00:34:12,052 --> 00:34:14,928
white nationalist group, right?

668
00:34:14,929 --> 00:34:17,639
Like the Neo-Nazis or the Proud Boys.

669
00:34:17,640 --> 00:34:20,017
You know, with their little fades,
you know, and their little okey-doke thing

670
00:34:20,018 --> 00:34:21,769
they stick their pee-pees
through or whatever,

671
00:34:21,770 --> 00:34:23,812
whatever their secret handshake is.
I don't know.

672
00:34:23,813 --> 00:34:26,648
- I don't pretend to know these things.

673
00:34:26,649 --> 00:34:29,818
Or maybe you just wanna be that random,
"get off my lawn" racist white dude.

674
00:34:29,819 --> 00:34:31,028
- You know that guy?

675
00:34:31,029 --> 00:34:33,113
The-The "patriotic" guy?

676
00:34:33,114 --> 00:34:36,201
You know that guy? He dresses
every weekend like it's the 4th of July.

677
00:34:36,785 --> 00:34:38,911
Everything he has
has the American flag on it.

678
00:34:38,912 --> 00:34:40,996
You know, has a bald eagle on his shirt,

679
00:34:40,997 --> 00:34:43,999
the Declaration of Independence
down this sleeve,

680
00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:45,501
Thomas Jefferson's nuts,

681
00:34:45,502 --> 00:34:47,878
Mount Rushmore right back here.

682
00:34:47,879 --> 00:34:50,047
"Gods, guts, guns.
Freedom ain't free!

683
00:34:50,048 --> 00:34:53,133
You don't like it, go fuck yourself,"
and all that.

684
00:34:53,134 --> 00:34:54,885
Then, you got the giant pickup truck

685
00:34:54,886 --> 00:34:58,097
with the huge American flag
hanging off the back.

686
00:34:58,098 --> 00:34:59,682
- That's my favorite.

687
00:34:59,683 --> 00:35:02,518
The giant American flag off the back,

688
00:35:02,519 --> 00:35:04,478
like we don't know what country we're in.

689
00:35:06,064 --> 00:35:08,023
Like, "Just in case you forgot,

690
00:35:08,024 --> 00:35:10,526
you're in America!
Beep beep!"

691
00:35:12,862 --> 00:35:16,073
You know what's funny? Recently,
I did a gig up in Canada, right?

692
00:35:16,074 --> 00:35:17,533
We landed in Calgary,

693
00:35:17,534 --> 00:35:20,536
and, uh, we're driving to the--
me and Kenny are driving to the hotel,

694
00:35:20,537 --> 00:35:23,122
and I saw a guy up there,
he had a giant pickup truck

695
00:35:23,123 --> 00:35:26,959
with a giant Canadian flag
hanging off the back.

696
00:35:26,960 --> 00:35:29,545
- And I was so relieved, you know?

697
00:35:29,546 --> 00:35:31,755
I was like, "Thank God!

698
00:35:31,756 --> 00:35:35,801
I thought only we had that
fucking idiot in our country."

699
00:35:37,178 --> 00:35:40,348
- Evidently, he's everywhere!

700
00:35:41,808 --> 00:35:45,227
Which is hilarious to me because that
means there's a guy in England right now

701
00:35:45,228 --> 00:35:48,856
with a giant British flag hanging off
the back of a scooter.

702
00:35:48,857 --> 00:35:51,108
Just riding around like,

703
00:35:51,109 --> 00:35:53,569
"Right, you're in London, you silly cunt!

704
00:35:53,570 --> 00:35:56,655
Beep beep!
Brexit, you fucking Yank!"

705
00:35:56,656 --> 00:35:57,823
Right?

706
00:36:02,162 --> 00:36:04,163
I don't know,
it just blows my mind, you know?

707
00:36:04,164 --> 00:36:07,333
It's, like, it's 2024.
The-- All of these people got in trouble,

708
00:36:07,334 --> 00:36:09,501
got canceled and shit,
you know what I mean?

709
00:36:09,502 --> 00:36:11,670
Never came around to the Klan.

710
00:36:14,215 --> 00:36:15,924
None of those groups ever got canceled,

711
00:36:15,925 --> 00:36:19,011
but if you said in 1992,
"Hey, nice titties!"

712
00:36:19,012 --> 00:36:22,973
Comes back to bite you
in the ass 30 years later!

713
00:36:27,187 --> 00:36:28,854
That's the question I've been
asking when I'm on the road.

714
00:36:28,855 --> 00:36:31,065
Like, why do-- Here's a question I have.
Why do you think the Klan--

715
00:36:31,066 --> 00:36:34,778
It's 2024, right?
Why do you think the Klan still exists?

716
00:36:37,113 --> 00:36:38,989
- Sons of bitches!
- Racists!

717
00:36:38,990 --> 00:36:41,950
- Racist? I'm not saying what they are.

718
00:36:41,951 --> 00:36:43,577
"Racists!"

719
00:36:43,578 --> 00:36:45,037
Why do you think fat people exist?

720
00:36:45,038 --> 00:36:47,623
- They eat too much!

721
00:36:47,624 --> 00:36:50,834
Are they all gonna be this easy?

722
00:36:52,921 --> 00:36:54,880
You know what
the funniest answer I got? I go,

723
00:36:54,881 --> 00:36:58,384
"Why do you think people
are still in the Klan, 2024?"

724
00:36:58,385 --> 00:37:01,387
And some guy yelled out,
he goes, "Something to do!"

725
00:37:06,393 --> 00:37:07,726
You know, we all got our things.

726
00:37:07,727 --> 00:37:11,438
Some people are into bowling.
Some people like to draw.

727
00:37:11,439 --> 00:37:14,358
Some people like to blow up churches
with innocent people in there.

728
00:37:14,359 --> 00:37:17,612
I mean, it's, you know, it's all,
you know, whatever your trip is.

729
00:37:20,865 --> 00:37:22,867
You know why they still exist!

730
00:37:23,785 --> 00:37:25,327
You know why, right?
Some people go,

731
00:37:25,328 --> 00:37:26,912
"Well, you know,
it's a First Amendment issue.

732
00:37:26,913 --> 00:37:30,959
"It's a freedom of speech. We have this
wonderful thing in this country...

733
00:37:32,002 --> 00:37:34,336
"for white people only,
called freedom of speech.

734
00:37:35,755 --> 00:37:38,132
"I mean, they have to be
allowed to join these groups.

735
00:37:38,133 --> 00:37:40,426
"They have to be allowed
to march down the streets

736
00:37:40,427 --> 00:37:42,720
"with semi-automatic weapons,

737
00:37:42,721 --> 00:37:44,138
"chanting the N-word,

738
00:37:44,139 --> 00:37:47,808
"trying to create a race war
on the internet, okay?

739
00:37:47,809 --> 00:37:49,309
"They have to be allowed to do this.

740
00:37:49,310 --> 00:37:52,021
"If they are not allowed to do this,
it's a slippery slope.

741
00:37:52,022 --> 00:37:54,565
"Next thing you know,
there goes the town pool.

742
00:37:54,566 --> 00:37:57,067
"So, you really have to be careful

743
00:37:57,068 --> 00:37:59,320
- about censorship."

744
00:38:02,073 --> 00:38:04,450
You name one other fucking race
that can do that.

745
00:38:05,744 --> 00:38:07,619
Yeah, no, I'm telling you.

746
00:38:07,620 --> 00:38:10,205
The reason why they-they-they
still fucking exist

747
00:38:10,206 --> 00:38:12,333
is because they don't
fuck with white people.

748
00:38:12,334 --> 00:38:15,252
That's basically it. If they did to,
if they did to white people

749
00:38:15,253 --> 00:38:16,712
what the fuck they've
done to Black people,

750
00:38:16,713 --> 00:38:18,213
how long do you think

751
00:38:18,214 --> 00:38:21,216
that stupid fucking group
would've been around?

752
00:38:21,217 --> 00:38:23,385
Maybe five weeks
'cause it was the 1800s,

753
00:38:23,386 --> 00:38:25,596
and it took a month
to get across the state

754
00:38:25,597 --> 00:38:28,182
to get to those idiots.
And they woulda mowed 'em down

755
00:38:28,183 --> 00:38:30,976
with the first machine gun,
that was the size of a fucking cannon.

756
00:38:34,105 --> 00:38:36,232
- And that woulda been fucking it!

757
00:38:37,817 --> 00:38:39,777
No? You don't believe me?
Do you remember 9/11

758
00:38:39,778 --> 00:38:43,489
when those brown people knocked down
those two perfectly good white buildings?

759
00:38:44,699 --> 00:38:47,034
My people lost their minds!

760
00:38:47,035 --> 00:38:50,496
"Kill all those motherfuckers!
Blow up their whole side of the planet!

761
00:38:50,497 --> 00:38:52,873
Anybody with a brown shirt,
get 'em the fuck outta here!"

762
00:38:52,874 --> 00:38:55,668
- Yeah, the exact same people,

763
00:38:55,669 --> 00:38:58,003
if the Klan or Proud Boys
does some fucked-up shit,

764
00:38:58,004 --> 00:38:59,672
what is the best we have?

765
00:38:59,673 --> 00:39:02,132
The most liberal of my people.
What's the best we got?

766
00:39:02,133 --> 00:39:06,011
"Oh, my God, that's terrible!

767
00:39:06,012 --> 00:39:08,389
"Can you believe that?

768
00:39:08,390 --> 00:39:10,808
"Oh, what is wrong with people?

769
00:39:10,809 --> 00:39:14,853
"I mean, I just don't get it. God!

770
00:39:19,025 --> 00:39:21,068
"Are any of you guys watching
<i>Baby Reindeer?</i>

771
00:39:21,069 --> 00:39:23,028
"That is fucking amazing!

772
00:39:23,029 --> 00:39:26,491
- No, you have to watch it. It is so good!"

773
00:39:29,452 --> 00:39:31,663
That's why I-I-I fucking hate liberals.

774
00:39:32,706 --> 00:39:36,209
- I do! I hate 'em!

775
00:39:36,793 --> 00:39:39,294
No, don't get excited.
I fucking hate conservatives, too,

776
00:39:39,295 --> 00:39:43,132
'cause you're all a bunch
of fucking racists, right?

777
00:39:43,133 --> 00:39:44,842
- Now, I know that's a blanket statement,

778
00:39:44,843 --> 00:39:48,972
but I'm just trying to speak
your language.

779
00:39:51,266 --> 00:39:54,601
What I fucking hate about liberals
is you don't do shit

780
00:39:54,602 --> 00:39:58,063
other than covering your own ass
with your dumbass fucking signs.

781
00:39:59,691 --> 00:40:02,067
I hate that shit with the f--
Remember that? Uh, that was the worst.

782
00:40:02,068 --> 00:40:04,403
I was in Hollywood, you know,
during the whole Black Lives Matter,

783
00:40:04,404 --> 00:40:06,447
and the-the white people putting,
like, my people putting

784
00:40:06,448 --> 00:40:07,865
the fucking BLM signs in the window.

785
00:40:07,866 --> 00:40:10,451
It wasn't even about Black people.
It was about that they were doing it.

786
00:40:10,452 --> 00:40:13,579
They were, like, Instagramming it like,
"Oh, yeah.

787
00:40:13,580 --> 00:40:16,915
- "I just couldn't remain silent, you know?

788
00:40:16,916 --> 00:40:19,919
I had to speak truth to power, you know?"

789
00:40:21,004 --> 00:40:23,088
You would think they were
in the Marines or something.

790
00:40:23,089 --> 00:40:25,382
It's like, you haven't even
left your fucking apartment! Right?

791
00:40:25,383 --> 00:40:28,552
- "I had to do it!

792
00:40:28,553 --> 00:40:31,388
"I took one piece of Xerox paper,

793
00:40:31,389 --> 00:40:33,640
"that I paid for,

794
00:40:33,641 --> 00:40:35,559
"wrote 'BLM' on it, and took

795
00:40:35,560 --> 00:40:38,145
"two pieces of double-sided tape

796
00:40:38,146 --> 00:40:40,147
"I usually use to hold my titties up,

797
00:40:40,148 --> 00:40:43,192
"and I stuck it in the window,

798
00:40:43,193 --> 00:40:46,070
"and I was like,
'There you go, Black people!

799
00:40:46,071 --> 00:40:48,280
"Enjoy your new freedoms!'

800
00:40:50,492 --> 00:40:52,201
"What? It's just-- I had to do it.

801
00:40:52,202 --> 00:40:54,453
"It was how I was raised, you know?

802
00:40:54,454 --> 00:40:57,998
"I come from a long line
of progressive liberals.

803
00:40:57,999 --> 00:41:00,334
"In fact, my great-great-great-grandmother

804
00:41:00,335 --> 00:41:03,212
"was in Berlin, Germany in 1939,

805
00:41:03,213 --> 00:41:06,799
"and she had a 'Knock it off, Nazis'
sign in the window.

806
00:41:06,800 --> 00:41:10,386
"And let me tell you something!
That was the end of those shenanigans!

807
00:41:11,471 --> 00:41:15,516
"A lot of people thought it was
the bravery of the Allied troops!

808
00:41:15,517 --> 00:41:19,103
No, it was not! It was
my grandmother's persnickety sign!"

809
00:41:25,860 --> 00:41:28,362
No, liberals, you gotta get
over your fear of the gun.

810
00:41:28,363 --> 00:41:31,156
That's what's gonna turn this,
this country around.

811
00:41:31,157 --> 00:41:33,200
- You gotta embrace guns.

812
00:41:33,201 --> 00:41:34,952
Okay? They're not going anywhere.

813
00:41:34,953 --> 00:41:37,538
You'd have a better chance
of getting rid of cheeseburgers

814
00:41:37,539 --> 00:41:39,957
than you are of getting
rid of guns, alright?

815
00:41:41,334 --> 00:41:43,293
I don't know if you ever read
the history of this country.

816
00:41:43,294 --> 00:41:46,005
It's not what they say it was, alright?

817
00:41:46,006 --> 00:41:47,965
This is <i>Gangs of New York,</i> okay?

818
00:41:50,218 --> 00:41:52,219
We came here, there was other people here,

819
00:41:52,220 --> 00:41:54,346
and then there weren't, right?

820
00:41:54,347 --> 00:41:57,057
And then, there was work to be done.
We didn't wanna do it.

821
00:41:57,058 --> 00:41:59,810
And then, we brought other people in
and other shit happened.

822
00:41:59,811 --> 00:42:01,812
And then, they got let go,
and now, you know?

823
00:42:01,813 --> 00:42:05,232
A lot of shit happened, okay?
So, people are strapped because...

824
00:42:06,401 --> 00:42:08,652
...you don't know what's gonna happen.
But the liberals are like,

825
00:42:08,653 --> 00:42:10,446
"Oh, my God, stop the guns.

826
00:42:10,447 --> 00:42:13,824
I gotta make a sign,
'Stop the guns.' Ha!"  Right?

827
00:42:15,702 --> 00:42:17,995
No, embrace 'em.

828
00:42:17,996 --> 00:42:20,622
Level the playing field out. That's what's
gonna stop these hate groups,

829
00:42:20,623 --> 00:42:22,833
I think, anyways.
'Cause they're not afraid

830
00:42:22,834 --> 00:42:24,293
'cause they're armed, and you're not.

831
00:42:24,294 --> 00:42:26,295
So, basically, what's gonna
turn this country around

832
00:42:26,296 --> 00:42:29,173
is the day a vegan beta male...

833
00:42:31,843 --> 00:42:35,804
...with a man-bun does a drive-by
in a Prius at a Klan rally

834
00:42:35,805 --> 00:42:38,932
and exposes them for the faggots
they really are...

835
00:42:41,061 --> 00:42:42,854
nothing's gonna happen!

836
00:42:47,192 --> 00:42:48,692
I know I said "faggots", but, you know,

837
00:42:48,693 --> 00:42:51,487
I was worried I was getting too preachy,
you know what I mean?

838
00:42:51,488 --> 00:42:54,281
I don't, I don't want you to feel
like I'm not dirty too.

839
00:43:00,372 --> 00:43:03,208
You know what's funny? My wife got me
to stop saying that word, right?

840
00:43:04,751 --> 00:43:07,044
Like, the 2000s, she got me
to stop saying the word.

841
00:43:07,045 --> 00:43:08,796
I swear to God, this is a true story.

842
00:43:08,797 --> 00:43:11,757
I was driving back-- I was in LA,
and I had her on speaker phone.

843
00:43:11,758 --> 00:43:13,592
I had a good set and everything,
so I was psyched,

844
00:43:13,593 --> 00:43:15,886
and I was talking to her
and making her laugh and shit.

845
00:43:15,887 --> 00:43:17,971
You know, and I'm driving,
and-and this is-- The hilarious thing

846
00:43:17,972 --> 00:43:21,517
- is I'm driving a Prius, right?

847
00:43:21,518 --> 00:43:23,310
And the Prius, the 2008, had, like,

848
00:43:23,311 --> 00:43:26,230
this two-inch, like, like,
metal on-on either side

849
00:43:26,231 --> 00:43:28,440
that was, like, a blind spot.
If you went to take a left,

850
00:43:28,441 --> 00:43:30,234
and if there was somebody
in the crosswalk,

851
00:43:30,235 --> 00:43:32,361
and they fucking lined up with the thing,

852
00:43:32,362 --> 00:43:35,280
okay, you wouldn't see 'em,
and they get run over

853
00:43:35,281 --> 00:43:37,950
by this little doorstop of a car, right?
So, wouldn't you know it,

854
00:43:37,951 --> 00:43:40,077
that night, I'm...

855
00:43:40,078 --> 00:43:42,204
...going down the street in my Prius,

856
00:43:42,205 --> 00:43:44,373
and I'm making my wife laugh,
and I go to make a left.

857
00:43:44,374 --> 00:43:46,125
Hollywood and La Brea.
Never forget it.

858
00:43:46,126 --> 00:43:49,086
And this guy was lined up,
and at the last second, I saw him,

859
00:43:49,087 --> 00:43:51,755
almost ran him over, and I swerved
outta the way and stomped on the brakes.

860
00:43:51,756 --> 00:43:53,298
And the guy, of course,
turned around. He goes,

861
00:43:53,299 --> 00:43:55,801
"You fucking asshole! Why don't you look
where the fuck you're driving!

862
00:43:55,802 --> 00:43:58,053
Jesus Christ! Fucking wake up!"
He's screaming at me.

863
00:43:58,054 --> 00:43:59,263
And I put the window down.

864
00:43:59,264 --> 00:44:00,848
I was trying to explain to him.
"I'm sorry, I didn't see you!

865
00:44:00,849 --> 00:44:02,641
There's, like, a two-inch thing,
and you were lined up!"

866
00:44:02,642 --> 00:44:04,768
He goes, "What the fuck?
You almost ran over my fucking foot!"

867
00:44:04,769 --> 00:44:06,854
He's screaming me.
I'm trying to explain myself.

868
00:44:06,855 --> 00:44:09,148
And he kept fucking yelling at me,
and he wouldn't listen.

869
00:44:09,149 --> 00:44:10,566
And I finally just snapped.
I was like,

870
00:44:10,567 --> 00:44:13,610
"Ah, with your tight pants,
you fucking faggot." Right?

871
00:44:15,363 --> 00:44:17,573
So, my wife flips out!

872
00:44:17,574 --> 00:44:21,035
She's like, "Bill! You cannot
say that anymore!" Right?

873
00:44:21,036 --> 00:44:24,788
And what was funny, was the guy
actually laughed, right?

874
00:44:24,789 --> 00:44:26,665
- I swear to God!

875
00:44:26,666 --> 00:44:29,501
Like, he threw his head back,
and he really, like, laughed.

876
00:44:29,502 --> 00:44:31,545
And, to this day, I don't know why.

877
00:44:31,546 --> 00:44:34,548
Like, was he laughing
because he was a little fat?

878
00:44:34,549 --> 00:44:37,968
Was his pants getting a little tight?
Was it around the holidays?

879
00:44:37,969 --> 00:44:40,471
Or was it just funny to see a bald ginger

880
00:44:40,472 --> 00:44:42,556
in a Prius call him that word?

881
00:44:42,557 --> 00:44:44,808
I don't know what it was,

882
00:44:44,809 --> 00:44:47,270
but he got a huge laugh out of it!

883
00:44:48,188 --> 00:44:50,982
And that word actually
ended the argument...

884
00:44:52,233 --> 00:44:53,818
between the two of us, so...

885
00:44:54,694 --> 00:44:57,071
But my wife broke it down to me.
She goes, "You can't say that word.

886
00:44:57,072 --> 00:44:58,947
It's a really hurtful word."
And I was like, alright,

887
00:44:58,948 --> 00:45:01,200
well, I don't wanna be an asshole.
So, I, you know,

888
00:45:01,201 --> 00:45:04,620
I, I-- it took a while,
but I stopped, and, uh, you know,

889
00:45:04,621 --> 00:45:07,706
but there's, like, you know, they never
gave you, like, a replacement word.

890
00:45:07,707 --> 00:45:11,752
Like, there's, like, this
phantom limb syndrome here.

891
00:45:11,753 --> 00:45:15,798
It's like, what do you call somebody
who cuts you off in traffic,

892
00:45:15,799 --> 00:45:17,383
and then you pull up at a red light,

893
00:45:17,384 --> 00:45:19,176
and they don't have the decency
to look at you

894
00:45:19,177 --> 00:45:20,761
as you're fucking
screaming at your window?

895
00:45:20,762 --> 00:45:24,098
- What do you call them?

896
00:45:24,099 --> 00:45:26,475
It's the alliteration.
Fucking !

897
00:45:26,476 --> 00:45:28,227
It just-- Oh!

898
00:45:28,228 --> 00:45:31,271
- It just, it just gets it out of you.

899
00:45:35,860 --> 00:45:39,780
You know what's funny is I don't, I don't
own a gun, but I fucking love 'em.

900
00:45:39,781 --> 00:45:42,658
I do. Like, if I'm walking down
the street, and I see a gun store,

901
00:45:42,659 --> 00:45:44,660
I gotta go in and look at 'em.
I do,

902
00:45:44,661 --> 00:45:46,620
but I'm not into, like,
the semi-automatic weapon.

903
00:45:46,621 --> 00:45:48,956
That's for people that suck at shooting,
you know what I mean?

904
00:45:48,957 --> 00:45:51,917
Like, how many fucking attempts?
"There he is!"

905
00:45:55,839 --> 00:45:58,257
Those should be--
You should get six shots, alright?

906
00:45:58,258 --> 00:46:02,302
If you can't get the fucking job done,
that's it. You're done, right?

907
00:46:03,805 --> 00:46:06,390
No, I like 'em. I like, I like
the revolvers and all that old-school shit

908
00:46:06,391 --> 00:46:08,600
I saw in the cop movies
when I was growing up.

909
00:46:08,601 --> 00:46:11,645
I like all of those guns,
but, uh, guns also scare me

910
00:46:11,646 --> 00:46:14,982
because I feel like guns are
kinda like guitars, you know?

911
00:46:14,983 --> 00:46:17,443
Like, almost every house has one,

912
00:46:17,444 --> 00:46:19,778
but not really anybody's
that good at it, you know?

913
00:46:21,489 --> 00:46:25,075
Just kinda over in the corner
collecting dust, you know?

914
00:46:25,076 --> 00:46:27,369
And I get with guitar how you get better.

915
00:46:27,370 --> 00:46:29,288
You play two, three hours a day.

916
00:46:29,289 --> 00:46:32,333
I don't get-- How do you
get better at shooting?

917
00:46:32,334 --> 00:46:34,127
Like, how do you practice?

918
00:46:34,794 --> 00:46:36,170
- Gun range.
- Gun range!

919
00:46:36,171 --> 00:46:38,964
They always say that, "the gun range".
That's not practicing.

920
00:46:38,965 --> 00:46:40,883
It's a total controlled environment.

921
00:46:40,884 --> 00:46:43,510
You go down there,
and you put on your little headset.

922
00:46:43,511 --> 00:46:45,512
- Gotta protect my hearing!

923
00:46:45,513 --> 00:46:48,474
I wouldn't want my ears
to go ringy-ding-ding!

924
00:46:48,475 --> 00:46:50,434
And then,
you lay out all your, your bullets,

925
00:46:50,435 --> 00:46:52,102
little charcuterie board.

926
00:46:52,103 --> 00:46:54,897
I have my weapon
pointed down, you fucking thing.

927
00:46:54,898 --> 00:46:56,815
And now it's time for the target.

928
00:47:00,111 --> 00:47:02,529
Then you sit there and you're like...

929
00:47:02,530 --> 00:47:04,531
- a-pew!

930
00:47:04,532 --> 00:47:06,451
A-pew-pew-pew!

931
00:47:09,245 --> 00:47:12,539
"Oh, center of mass!
I'm gonna hang that in my house,

932
00:47:12,540 --> 00:47:14,625
so everybody sees what a badass I am!"

933
00:47:14,626 --> 00:47:17,795
That's not practicing.
You wanna practice?

934
00:47:17,796 --> 00:47:19,880
Have somebody wake you up
at 3:00 in the morning

935
00:47:19,881 --> 00:47:22,174
when you're wearing nothing
but your pajama bottoms.

936
00:47:22,175 --> 00:47:23,926
- And they throw you in the garage.

937
00:47:23,927 --> 00:47:27,054
There's a baby, a rattlesnake,
and a fucking bear,

938
00:47:27,055 --> 00:47:29,223
and your wife's flipping
the lights on and off going,

939
00:47:29,224 --> 00:47:31,892
"Do something, Johnny! Do something!
Do something, do something!"

940
00:47:31,893 --> 00:47:35,605
- That, that is practicing. Yeah.

941
00:47:36,731 --> 00:47:39,191
I feel like that's how it's gonna go down.

942
00:47:39,192 --> 00:47:41,068
I don't know shit about it,
but I got a good feeling

943
00:47:41,069 --> 00:47:44,196
that, you know, the day somebody
breaks into your house,

944
00:47:44,197 --> 00:47:46,699
gun owners, they're not
gonna come in like this.

945
00:47:49,411 --> 00:47:51,787
You know?

946
00:47:51,788 --> 00:47:54,373
They're not gonna be, like, peeking around
the corner and then just go...

947
00:48:00,588 --> 00:48:01,881
Um...

948
00:48:03,049 --> 00:48:04,883
Anyway...

949
00:48:04,884 --> 00:48:07,678
Yeah, so, I have learned
a lot about myself

950
00:48:07,679 --> 00:48:09,304
over the last few years,
you know what I mean?

951
00:48:09,305 --> 00:48:10,931
I had to quit drinking, you know?

952
00:48:10,932 --> 00:48:12,766
I-I never thought I'd have
a problem with that shit, you know?

953
00:48:12,767 --> 00:48:14,810
'Cause when I grew up,
right, you know,

954
00:48:14,811 --> 00:48:16,812
shit was so different
when we were growing up.

955
00:48:16,813 --> 00:48:18,981
Like, even, like, gay people.

956
00:48:18,982 --> 00:48:20,566
Like, the way it was thought

957
00:48:20,567 --> 00:48:23,444
was there was, like,
three gay people in Massachusetts,

958
00:48:23,445 --> 00:48:24,945
and the rest of 'em

959
00:48:24,946 --> 00:48:26,864
were in San Francisco, right?

960
00:48:32,537 --> 00:48:35,122
Everything was fucked up, right?
Like, addiction, it was either like,

961
00:48:35,123 --> 00:48:37,791
"Either you have the addictive gene
or you don't!"

962
00:48:37,792 --> 00:48:39,835
And it's like, no.
What I've kinda learned

963
00:48:39,836 --> 00:48:42,963
is fucking everything is
sort of a spectrum, right?

964
00:48:42,964 --> 00:48:45,215
Not just autism, you know?

965
00:48:47,719 --> 00:48:50,387
I'm sick of words getting
hijacked, alright?

966
00:48:50,388 --> 00:48:54,099
When I was a kid, like,
the spectrum was the color spectrum.

967
00:48:54,100 --> 00:48:58,145
Dr. J and the 76ers played in an arena

968
00:48:58,146 --> 00:49:01,690
called The Spectrum, right?
So, the first time somebody said to me,

969
00:49:01,691 --> 00:49:04,777
"Hey, my kid's on the spectrum,"
I'm thinking, "No, he isn't.

970
00:49:04,778 --> 00:49:07,196
"They, they tore that shit down in 2010.

971
00:49:07,197 --> 00:49:10,282
"I don't know what you're talking about.
You need to elaborate.

972
00:49:10,283 --> 00:49:13,827
"Just say he has autism,
so I can fucking catch up.

973
00:49:13,828 --> 00:49:16,663
- Alright, I don't speak the jargon here."

974
00:49:16,664 --> 00:49:19,625
So, I-I think everything is
like a spectrum, okay?

975
00:49:19,626 --> 00:49:21,585
Well, we'll start with,
we'll start with my drinking, right?

976
00:49:21,586 --> 00:49:22,878
So, I, you know,
when I was growing up, it was,

977
00:49:22,879 --> 00:49:25,089
"Either you are a-a fucking alky,
or you aren't."

978
00:49:25,090 --> 00:49:27,132
And then it-it isn't, okay?

979
00:49:27,133 --> 00:49:30,928
Th-There's all of this. So, we'll say
this right here is full-on addiction.

980
00:49:30,929 --> 00:49:34,640
This is, literally,
sucking dick behind a donut shop,

981
00:49:34,641 --> 00:49:38,519
11:30 in the morning on a Tuesday
for a fucking 12-pack.

982
00:49:38,520 --> 00:49:40,854
Not even a case.
A 12-pack.

983
00:49:40,855 --> 00:49:43,732
In jean shorts and a half shirt, right?

984
00:49:43,733 --> 00:49:46,318
And then, this over here,
this is, like, a teetotaler.

985
00:49:46,319 --> 00:49:49,321
Like,  "You know, I tried alcohol.
I didn't like it. It just, you know,

986
00:49:49,322 --> 00:49:51,657
"I've always been into books, you know?

987
00:49:51,658 --> 00:49:54,451
"That's been my drugs, you know?
I like...

988
00:49:54,452 --> 00:49:56,745
"a good book, right?

989
00:49:56,746 --> 00:49:58,914
"And I'll tell you, ha, when you
see me reading that book,

990
00:49:58,915 --> 00:50:00,332
"I am not there.
I am in that book,

991
00:50:00,333 --> 00:50:04,003
- and I am taking that journey, right?"

992
00:50:04,004 --> 00:50:05,796
But th-there's-there's all fucking this.

993
00:50:05,797 --> 00:50:07,798
Like, my drinking got,
like, all the way--

994
00:50:07,799 --> 00:50:10,175
I-I realized I couldn't have it
in the house. That's what it was.

995
00:50:10,176 --> 00:50:12,511
I just, like, consumed it,
and then I fucking-- I got all the way

996
00:50:12,512 --> 00:50:14,555
to, like, right here, right?

997
00:50:14,556 --> 00:50:17,599
I mean, I wasn't sucking dick,
but the donut shop was over the horizon.

998
00:50:17,600 --> 00:50:20,602
- The donut shop was in view.

999
00:50:20,603 --> 00:50:22,312
And I was like, "What am I doing?"

1000
00:50:22,313 --> 00:50:25,691
You know what I mean? I--
Like, I couldn't fucking stop it.

1001
00:50:25,692 --> 00:50:27,568
Then I, you know--
So, then I thought I was an alcoholic,

1002
00:50:27,569 --> 00:50:29,862
so I went to, like,
an AA meeting, you know?

1003
00:50:29,863 --> 00:50:32,573
And the people were telling their stories.
And after a couple people sharing,

1004
00:50:32,574 --> 00:50:35,701
I was just going like,
alright, uh, you know, I drink,

1005
00:50:35,702 --> 00:50:38,078
but these people, Jesus!

1006
00:50:38,079 --> 00:50:40,831
- Jesus Christ!

1007
00:50:40,832 --> 00:50:42,458
I mean, they were animals!

1008
00:50:42,459 --> 00:50:44,585
Yellow fingers, still smoking,

1009
00:50:44,586 --> 00:50:47,588
chowing down pastries.
And they're like,

1010
00:50:47,589 --> 00:50:50,007
"Bill, would you like to go up
and share some of your stories?"

1011
00:50:50,008 --> 00:50:52,051
I was like,
"I can't fucking follow that!"

1012
00:50:53,636 --> 00:50:56,972
I had three tall bourbons
and fell asleep to <i>The Rockford Files.</i>

1013
00:50:56,973 --> 00:51:00,309
I don't think that that's gonna h--
follow this guy, you know?

1014
00:51:01,895 --> 00:51:04,313
Missing teeth and selling
his ass in the street.

1015
00:51:04,314 --> 00:51:06,106
I can't, I can't follow that, right?

1016
00:51:08,234 --> 00:51:10,569
But there was something going on.
So, I just realized, you know,

1017
00:51:10,570 --> 00:51:12,237
like, I-I can't have
this shit in the house.

1018
00:51:12,238 --> 00:51:14,448
It's in the house,
I'm gonna fucking consume it.

1019
00:51:14,449 --> 00:51:17,117
Alcohol, even cookies.
I tell my wife, "Get the cookies

1020
00:51:17,118 --> 00:51:19,953
"out of the fucking house,
especially Oreos.

1021
00:51:19,954 --> 00:51:21,789
I'm gonna eat a whole fucking sleeve."

1022
00:51:21,790 --> 00:51:23,791
And she says, "Oh, well, well,
why can't you just eat one?"

1023
00:51:23,792 --> 00:51:27,336
It's like, "Do you even pay attention
to who you're married to?!

1024
00:51:27,337 --> 00:51:29,880
"I can't!
I'll eat the whole fucking sleeve!

1025
00:51:29,881 --> 00:51:32,257
"And then, I won't even brush my teeth,

1026
00:51:32,258 --> 00:51:33,717
"so I'll-I'll have that
sugar morphine drip,

1027
00:51:33,718 --> 00:51:35,761
"like, coming down
the back of my throat,

1028
00:51:35,762 --> 00:51:39,723
"and I'll have these crazy fucking
Keebler Elf dreams or whatever.

1029
00:51:39,724 --> 00:51:41,684
Get it out of the fucking house!"

1030
00:51:41,685 --> 00:51:44,019
That's what I need to do, right?
That's what I learned.

1031
00:51:44,020 --> 00:51:47,189
Like, I-I have no desire
to do heroin whatsoever.

1032
00:51:47,190 --> 00:51:50,359
However, if it was
in my house long enough,

1033
00:51:50,360 --> 00:51:53,237
and the right set
of circumstances came along...

1034
00:51:55,615 --> 00:51:57,616
maybe I talked to my dad
that day on the phone,

1035
00:51:57,617 --> 00:52:00,035
tried to get a fucking word in!
Maybe that-- You know what?

1036
00:52:00,036 --> 00:52:02,454
- Maybe I'll fucking...

1037
00:52:02,455 --> 00:52:05,666
We'll see what this is all about,
you know? I'll use one of those spoons

1038
00:52:05,667 --> 00:52:09,044
that went down the garbage disposal.
No one'll give a shit. I'll light it up.

1039
00:52:09,045 --> 00:52:11,380
I'll nod off in the living room,

1040
00:52:11,381 --> 00:52:14,467
fall on the L-shaped couch,
you know? So...

1041
00:52:15,468 --> 00:52:18,345
Whatever. I have learned that.
I've learned a lot of things in life.

1042
00:52:18,346 --> 00:52:20,723
You know, like, here's one I've learned.

1043
00:52:20,724 --> 00:52:22,850
You know, there's
a very small window in life

1044
00:52:22,851 --> 00:52:25,394
to beat the shit outta your dad, you know?

1045
00:52:31,026 --> 00:52:34,695
You think you got a lot more
time than you do. You don't.

1046
00:52:34,696 --> 00:52:38,742
It's sorta like ages
15 to about 17, you know?

1047
00:52:39,534 --> 00:52:41,493
If you try to do it before 15,

1048
00:52:41,494 --> 00:52:44,246
you're not man enough to get the job done,

1049
00:52:44,247 --> 00:52:47,875
and then you lose, and then he just
psychologically has the advantage.

1050
00:52:47,876 --> 00:52:49,668
But if you do it after 17,

1051
00:52:49,669 --> 00:52:52,254
now you're just beating up
an old man, you know?

1052
00:52:52,255 --> 00:52:53,881
You see his anchor tattoo.

1053
00:52:53,882 --> 00:52:55,674
You're like,
"Ah, fuck, he was in the Navy."

1054
00:52:55,675 --> 00:52:57,718
Jesus Christ, I'm beating up a veteran.

1055
00:52:57,719 --> 00:53:01,722
Oh, man, I feel like a piece
of shit here, you know?

1056
00:53:07,020 --> 00:53:10,105
Alright, here's another one for you.
I didn't think I was homophobic, right?

1057
00:53:10,106 --> 00:53:13,400
- I didn't!

1058
00:53:16,071 --> 00:53:19,991
I'm not saying I'm not!
I'm just saying I didn't think I was.

1059
00:53:21,117 --> 00:53:22,618
No, 'cause I didn't have a problem.

1060
00:53:22,619 --> 00:53:25,412
Like, I don't have a problem with it.
I didn't have a problem, you know,

1061
00:53:25,413 --> 00:53:28,624
them getting married or any of that shit.
And I thought it was totally natural.

1062
00:53:28,625 --> 00:53:31,251
I was just like,
that's just, like, how you're born.

1063
00:53:31,252 --> 00:53:33,420
And I-- When people would be like,
"Oh, no, it's a choice.

1064
00:53:33,421 --> 00:53:36,173
They're choosing to be gay."
I love when somebody said that. I go,

1065
00:53:36,174 --> 00:53:38,384
"Okay, let's say it's a choice.
Then that would mean

1066
00:53:38,385 --> 00:53:41,136
"being straight is a choice, right?

1067
00:53:41,137 --> 00:53:44,848
"So, that would mean that you,
at some point,

1068
00:53:44,849 --> 00:53:46,433
"hypothetically,

1069
00:53:46,434 --> 00:53:49,520
"had a dick and a pussy on the table

1070
00:53:49,521 --> 00:53:51,063
"and had a choice to make, right?

1071
00:53:51,064 --> 00:53:54,024
"You were sitting there,
'Alright, which way am I gonna go?

1072
00:53:56,069 --> 00:53:58,737
"'Well, let's see.

1073
00:53:58,738 --> 00:54:02,032
"'This one hurts more,
but I get to keep my house.

1074
00:54:02,033 --> 00:54:05,953
"'And then this one over here
feels amazing,

1075
00:54:05,954 --> 00:54:09,039
"but everything seems
to disappear down into it.'

1076
00:54:09,040 --> 00:54:12,001
"I mean, it's a coin flip,
as far as I'm concerned.

1077
00:54:12,002 --> 00:54:15,129
It was a coin flip.
Straight. Hey, Geronimo! Right?"

1078
00:54:16,923 --> 00:54:19,174
So, I realized-- I found out
I was homophobic

1079
00:54:19,175 --> 00:54:21,969
when, uh, I fucked up my back,
and I went into this massage parlor

1080
00:54:21,970 --> 00:54:24,263
to have somebody work on me.
And they said,

1081
00:54:24,264 --> 00:54:26,557
"This is your first time here?"
I said, "Yeah."

1082
00:54:26,558 --> 00:54:29,268
They go, "Alright, do you prefer
a male or a female masseuse?"

1083
00:54:29,269 --> 00:54:30,477
And I, like, recoiled like,

1084
00:54:30,478 --> 00:54:34,065
- "Ew!" Like, "Ugh."

1085
00:54:35,567 --> 00:54:37,776
It's like, "I want a woman.
What the fuck are you asking me?

1086
00:54:37,777 --> 00:54:41,030
I don't want some man!"
I didn't even picture a man.

1087
00:54:41,031 --> 00:54:44,074
I just saw a male arm
from here down to here

1088
00:54:44,075 --> 00:54:47,244
with black hair with, like, grease on it,

1089
00:54:47,245 --> 00:54:50,914
just coming up my back going,
"Okay, just breathe, just breathe."

1090
00:54:50,915 --> 00:54:52,416
I'm like, "Ah!

1091
00:54:52,417 --> 00:54:54,668
"It feels better.
You fixed it!

1092
00:54:54,669 --> 00:54:57,254
Get me the fuck outta here!"

1093
00:54:57,255 --> 00:55:01,009
Yeah, so, like-- I, like-- Just the image
of that, I, like, fucking recoiled.

1094
00:55:01,968 --> 00:55:03,677
And I was, like, I was
almost, like, defensive.

1095
00:55:03,678 --> 00:55:05,138
I was like, "No, I want a woman," right?

1096
00:55:05,263 --> 00:55:07,348
And then, you know,
the way I look, I probably, in my age,

1097
00:55:07,349 --> 00:55:10,100
I looked like some creep that was looking
for a fucking happy ending, you know?

1098
00:55:10,101 --> 00:55:12,978
You can't be in there like...
No matter how I said it, it came off like,

1099
00:55:12,979 --> 00:55:15,356
"Yeah, I want a woman.
I want a...

1100
00:55:15,357 --> 00:55:18,693
- You know?"

1101
00:55:21,696 --> 00:55:23,655
Yeah, thinking I'm looking
for a happy ending, you know,

1102
00:55:23,656 --> 00:55:25,407
which I wasn't, but you know.

1103
00:55:25,408 --> 00:55:28,702
I will say, I do have issue with them
calling it a "full-body massage".

1104
00:55:30,080 --> 00:55:33,582
It's like-- It's not a full-body massage.
It's "everything but".

1105
00:55:33,583 --> 00:55:35,167
You know what I mean?
And then, it's weird.

1106
00:55:35,168 --> 00:55:37,086
Then you walk out of there,
your whole body's relaxed,

1107
00:55:37,087 --> 00:55:39,380
and you're just dragging your nuts
down the fucking street.

1108
00:55:39,381 --> 00:55:42,091
And that doesn't feel--
It feels weird.

1109
00:55:44,969 --> 00:55:47,346
And I know what you guys are thinking.
You probably think, "Oh, Bill,

1110
00:55:47,347 --> 00:55:50,057
why don't you just rub one out
before you go to the masseuse?"

1111
00:55:50,058 --> 00:55:51,975
It's like, "'Cause I won't make
the appointment, alright?"

1112
00:55:51,976 --> 00:55:53,936
I'm gonna fall asleep
upright in the chair,

1113
00:55:53,937 --> 00:55:56,230
and then my neck's gonna
be fucked up and my back.

1114
00:55:56,231 --> 00:55:59,817
- Now, I got two problems.

1115
00:55:59,818 --> 00:56:02,361
It would be great if they legalized it,
though, you know what I mean?

1116
00:56:02,362 --> 00:56:05,864
It'd be fantastic. You just have, like,
a regular masseuse in there, you know?

1117
00:56:05,865 --> 00:56:08,450
You gotta have the r-- the real masseuse
at the beginning, right?

1118
00:56:08,451 --> 00:56:10,869
'Cause whores don't give
a good back rub, you know?

1119
00:56:12,205 --> 00:56:15,124
A real masseuse gives an incredible
back rub, but a-a terrible hand job,

1120
00:56:15,125 --> 00:56:17,292
like most women.
Terrible hand job.

1121
00:56:19,170 --> 00:56:20,963
Most women, terrible fucking hand job.

1122
00:56:20,964 --> 00:56:22,506
Not even trying to get
better at it either,

1123
00:56:22,507 --> 00:56:24,842
by the way.
Like, the skill set.

1124
00:56:24,843 --> 00:56:26,427
Like, you ever get this one?
The three fingertips?

1125
00:56:26,428 --> 00:56:29,179
- Do you ever get this?

1126
00:56:29,180 --> 00:56:30,264
It's like,
"What are we doing here?

1127
00:56:30,265 --> 00:56:32,141
Are we waiting
for the next lunar eclipse?"

1128
00:56:32,142 --> 00:56:35,728
- Is there? What--

1129
00:56:35,729 --> 00:56:37,855
I never thought I'd say this.
This is just fucking annoying.

1130
00:56:37,856 --> 00:56:39,314
You're just, like, annoying.
Why don't you just

1131
00:56:39,315 --> 00:56:41,150
flick the head of my fucking dick
while you're at it?

1132
00:56:41,151 --> 00:56:42,901
What are you doing, alright?
You're supposed to be

1133
00:56:42,902 --> 00:56:45,571
simulating penetration, alright?

1134
00:56:45,572 --> 00:56:48,198
More pressure going down.
Less pressure going up.

1135
00:56:48,199 --> 00:56:51,285
Add a twist! Add a twist,
it'll be over in 18 seconds.

1136
00:56:51,286 --> 00:56:54,788
No guy has ever had a woman helicoptering
up and down his fucking dick.

1137
00:56:54,789 --> 00:56:57,249
It's gonna be over immediately, right?

1138
00:56:57,250 --> 00:57:00,337
- Oh, it'd be fantastic.

1139
00:57:01,629 --> 00:57:04,006
I would run a massage parlor like that,
like a baseball manager.

1140
00:57:04,007 --> 00:57:06,800
I'd have the real masseuse go in,
eat up about eight innings,

1141
00:57:06,801 --> 00:57:09,261
and then I'd take the lube. "Alright,
you're done. You did a great job."

1142
00:57:09,262 --> 00:57:10,637
- Then you bring in the lefty.

1143
00:57:10,638 --> 00:57:13,182
"Nice. Get in here, right?"
And she comes in...

1144
00:57:15,268 --> 00:57:17,394
...gives you a hand job better than 90%

1145
00:57:17,395 --> 00:57:19,313
of the blow jobs
you ever got in your life.

1146
00:57:19,314 --> 00:57:21,398
Then, you walk outta there,
your body's loose,

1147
00:57:21,399 --> 00:57:24,193
your balls are empty,
you can hear your wife's voice again,

1148
00:57:24,194 --> 00:57:25,778
and everything's good.

1149
00:57:27,822 --> 00:57:31,201
You're more agreeable.
Fantastic!

1150
00:57:33,703 --> 00:57:35,162
I don't know.
What are, what are you gonna do?

1151
00:57:35,163 --> 00:57:37,206
So, anyway, you know,
there's a big thing out there.

1152
00:57:37,207 --> 00:57:39,416
I wanna let you guys know
this shit where it's just, like,

1153
00:57:39,417 --> 00:57:41,502
you know, they try to make you feel,
all these fucking apps,

1154
00:57:41,503 --> 00:57:43,420
they make you feel bad about aging.

1155
00:57:43,421 --> 00:57:46,090
And all of these people
are getting, like, plastic surgery now.

1156
00:57:46,091 --> 00:57:48,300
I'm telling you,
you-you don't need to do it, okay?

1157
00:57:48,301 --> 00:57:50,803
You're gonna fucking die, alright?

1158
00:57:55,934 --> 00:57:57,851
That's Generation X,
my generation, in their 50s,

1159
00:57:57,852 --> 00:57:59,353
taking testosterone and shit,

1160
00:57:59,354 --> 00:58:01,397
posting before and after pictures
on the internet.

1161
00:58:01,398 --> 00:58:04,608
It's hilarious.
Shirtless, like, trying to attract women.

1162
00:58:06,569 --> 00:58:08,320
And it's funny, they look good.
They look like Rambo here.

1163
00:58:08,321 --> 00:58:10,447
But in the neck, you see the divorce,

1164
00:58:10,448 --> 00:58:12,825
the bad relationship with the kids,

1165
00:58:12,826 --> 00:58:14,576
the dreams that didn't work out,

1166
00:58:14,577 --> 00:58:17,079
the fucking HOA that made
you tear down that porch

1167
00:58:17,080 --> 00:58:19,416
- that you didn't have the fucking...

1168
00:58:20,000 --> 00:58:23,128
the permit for, or whatever the fuck
it was that you did, you know?

1169
00:58:25,171 --> 00:58:27,172
Do you realize how much you don't get life

1170
00:58:27,173 --> 00:58:30,510
if you're still trying
to bang broads in your 50s?

1171
00:58:31,469 --> 00:58:34,346
Dude, at my age, like, eight hours sleep

1172
00:58:34,347 --> 00:58:36,515
is the new pussy.
That's it!

1173
00:58:38,143 --> 00:58:41,228
- Yeah. Eight hours uninterrupted!

1174
00:58:41,229 --> 00:58:45,107
There's nothing better than that!
Meaning, I wake up when I wanna wake up,

1175
00:58:45,108 --> 00:58:47,234
you know what I mean?
I don't have somebody in my ear like,

1176
00:58:47,235 --> 00:58:48,527
"Okay, the kids have practice today!

1177
00:58:48,528 --> 00:58:50,320
"You need to go downstairs,
make 'em some breakfast!

1178
00:58:50,321 --> 00:58:52,907
- I gotta get the car washed!"

1179
00:58:54,367 --> 00:58:56,785
Just waking up when I wanna wake up.

1180
00:58:56,786 --> 00:58:59,288
It's just, it's just--
It's-It's-It's-It's fucking amazing.

1181
00:58:59,289 --> 00:59:00,998
So, I don't know, I-I-I might be weird,

1182
00:59:00,999 --> 00:59:03,167
but I think the job of an older person

1183
00:59:03,168 --> 00:59:05,336
is you're supposed to help out
younger people.

1184
00:59:05,337 --> 00:59:08,172
You're not supposed to try
and fuck 'em, right?

1185
00:59:11,301 --> 00:59:14,636
Slow applause.
"Oh, you know, alright.

1186
00:59:14,637 --> 00:59:18,266
- I mean, the legal age... "

1187
00:59:23,396 --> 00:59:26,190
I'm that old guy that acts like
he figured everything out, you know?

1188
00:59:26,191 --> 00:59:28,275
I'm that old guy that acts
like he figured everything out,

1189
00:59:28,276 --> 00:59:30,694
you know, so I always
give young people advice.

1190
00:59:30,695 --> 00:59:31,779
Like, I always tell women, right?

1191
00:59:31,780 --> 00:59:33,280
I'll be like, you know--
Okay, here's one for you.

1192
00:59:33,281 --> 00:59:35,491
If you're on a date with a guy,
at any point during the evening,

1193
00:59:35,492 --> 00:59:38,869
if he cracks his own neck, just get out
of the relationship right then and there.

1194
00:59:41,289 --> 00:59:44,792
Alright? He's a fucking meathead.
And he's gonna put meathead babies in you,

1195
00:59:44,793 --> 00:59:46,335
and they're gonna drive tow trucks

1196
00:59:46,336 --> 00:59:49,171
and they're never gonna own the company,
okay? That's what it is.

1197
00:59:51,049 --> 00:59:52,133
Alright?

1198
00:59:53,927 --> 00:59:56,303
Look for the red flags, okay?

1199
00:59:56,304 --> 01:00:00,016
- Little guy, big watch. Major red flag.

1200
01:00:00,850 --> 01:00:02,601
Nothing wrong with the little guy,

1201
01:00:02,602 --> 01:00:04,061
but that little guy with that fucking--

1202
01:00:04,062 --> 01:00:06,689
maybe he has a rap album,
fucking giant watch,

1203
01:00:06,690 --> 01:00:09,400
walking around making all this noise.

1204
01:00:10,944 --> 01:00:14,321
For some reason, you find him adorable,
so you agree to go out with him,

1205
01:00:14,322 --> 01:00:16,615
and then he pulls up to the date
in that giant truck,

1206
01:00:16,616 --> 01:00:20,619
and that magic step appears
so he doesn't fall to his death.

1207
01:00:20,620 --> 01:00:23,997
And the next thing you know,
you're in a fucking relationship with him.

1208
01:00:23,998 --> 01:00:25,749
And one day,
you have a huge fight with him,

1209
01:00:25,750 --> 01:00:29,420
and he storms out, and you watch him
waddle down the front yard.

1210
01:00:29,421 --> 01:00:32,881
And then, you're upstairs crying
as you're folding his little pants.

1211
01:00:34,259 --> 01:00:35,676
And then it finally dawns on you.

1212
01:00:35,677 --> 01:00:40,055
"I coulda had the exact same problems
with a full-size man.

1213
01:00:40,056 --> 01:00:43,350
"For three years, I didn't
feel safe when he held me.

1214
01:00:45,103 --> 01:00:48,648
It's like I found a hairy 8-year-old
at the mall, right?"

1215
01:00:52,944 --> 01:00:55,487
Ladies, if you have a girlfriend,
and she has, like, a sweatshirt

1216
01:00:55,488 --> 01:00:57,197
that says <i>"namaste"</i> on it,

1217
01:00:57,198 --> 01:01:01,243
she's a cunt.
Like, how do you not see that?

1218
01:01:01,244 --> 01:01:02,786
- How...

1219
01:01:02,787 --> 01:01:06,540
Why would you think that she's spiritual?
I just don't g...

1220
01:01:06,541 --> 01:01:09,585
You shouldn't have to advertise
that you're spiritual!

1221
01:01:09,586 --> 01:01:10,919
I-- You should sense it.

1222
01:01:10,920 --> 01:01:14,381
<i>"Namaste.</i> This is just how
I choose to live my life."

1223
01:01:14,382 --> 01:01:16,425
You know,
she's one of those people,

1224
01:01:16,426 --> 01:01:18,844
you know, who goes on Instagram
and goes out into nature

1225
01:01:18,845 --> 01:01:20,512
with the bathing suit up her ass

1226
01:01:20,513 --> 01:01:24,141
and does, like, the fucking
heart hands with, like, advice.

1227
01:01:24,142 --> 01:01:28,145
"Guys, don't forget
to take time for yourself

1228
01:01:28,146 --> 01:01:31,357
"when you're fucking
gathering your knowledge

1229
01:01:31,358 --> 01:01:34,276
- on your journey,"  you know?

1230
01:01:34,277 --> 01:01:36,403
If I was a dictator,
that's one of the first groups of people

1231
01:01:36,404 --> 01:01:39,198
that I would eliminate.
Anybody that fucking did that.

1232
01:01:39,199 --> 01:01:41,533
- And then, right after that,

1233
01:01:41,534 --> 01:01:45,245
would be anybody who tried to do
the heart hands, but were too stupid,

1234
01:01:45,246 --> 01:01:47,539
so it looked like
a grilled cheese sandwich.

1235
01:01:47,540 --> 01:01:50,501
You ever see?
"Okay, Tabatha, see you later!"

1236
01:01:50,502 --> 01:01:54,089
- It's just like...

1237
01:01:55,632 --> 01:01:58,510
Alright, so I gave women
some advice, alright?

1238
01:02:00,011 --> 01:02:01,637
Here's something for the guys.

1239
01:02:01,638 --> 01:02:04,516
Guys, if you're dating a woman
who's always cold...

1240
01:02:05,433 --> 01:02:06,975
Alright, and I don't mean here,
the vitals.

1241
01:02:06,976 --> 01:02:09,770
I mean the feet, the hands,
the fingers, the extremities.

1242
01:02:09,771 --> 01:02:11,897
Almost as if her heart
isn't strong enough...

1243
01:02:11,898 --> 01:02:14,983
- ...to fucking pump the blood out.

1244
01:02:14,984 --> 01:02:17,444
You know those women?
No matter what month of the year,

1245
01:02:17,445 --> 01:02:18,696
they're fucking cold.

1246
01:02:18,697 --> 01:02:21,907
Every sleeve they have
fucking hangs down to here.

1247
01:02:21,908 --> 01:02:25,077
You just see, like,
two fingernails hanging out.

1248
01:02:25,078 --> 01:02:28,747
Any, any drink you give 'em,
they gotta hold it like a toddler like...

1249
01:02:32,002 --> 01:02:34,420
They get in bed,
they put that cadaver foot on you.

1250
01:02:34,421 --> 01:02:37,631
- You're like !

1251
01:02:37,632 --> 01:02:39,550
- Yeah!

1252
01:02:39,551 --> 01:02:41,636
You can't breed with that!

1253
01:02:42,554 --> 01:02:45,932
Alright? You're gonna have sickly
little children with allergies.

1254
01:02:47,058 --> 01:02:49,226
Kleenex in every room.

1255
01:02:49,227 --> 01:02:51,270
They're gonna come out
of the womb with a cold!

1256
01:02:54,065 --> 01:02:55,858
Few years later, they all got glasses,

1257
01:02:55,859 --> 01:02:58,110
"I can't go to school today, the pollen.

1258
01:02:59,904 --> 01:03:02,781
Can I watch my iPad?"

1259
01:03:02,782 --> 01:03:04,783
And you're sitting there going,
"What the fuck happened?

1260
01:03:04,784 --> 01:03:07,953
"I played sports.
What-What-What are these things?

1261
01:03:07,954 --> 01:03:11,331
What happened?" What happened?
You dumped one in Debbie Blue Toes.

1262
01:03:11,332 --> 01:03:13,459
That's what the fuck you did.

1263
01:03:13,460 --> 01:03:17,046
- Jesus Christ, use your head!

1264
01:03:17,047 --> 01:03:20,507
You think she's gonna make
a strong baby? She's not!

1265
01:03:20,508 --> 01:03:24,011
All those flamingo-legged chicks,
you know?

1266
01:03:24,012 --> 01:03:26,055
Influencers.
We used to call 'em whores.

1267
01:03:26,056 --> 01:03:28,265
- Now, they're, like-- Now they're leading,

1268
01:03:28,266 --> 01:03:30,642
they're leading the herd,
evidently, right?

1269
01:03:32,395 --> 01:03:35,105
Yeah! Back in the day, back in the day,

1270
01:03:35,106 --> 01:03:38,233
women like that did not
survive the winter, alright?

1271
01:03:38,234 --> 01:03:42,237
They froze to death under
a buffalo blanket or some shit.

1272
01:03:42,238 --> 01:03:44,907
That's not what you wanted
back in the day.

1273
01:03:44,908 --> 01:03:46,742
You ever see paintings
of hot chicks back in the day?

1274
01:03:46,743 --> 01:03:49,703
They're like fucking fullbacks!
That's what you wanted!

1275
01:03:49,704 --> 01:03:52,289
Something that could take
some punishment, you know?

1276
01:03:52,290 --> 01:03:56,335
Take a couple of pieces of plywood
off the dome during a tornado.

1277
01:03:56,336 --> 01:03:58,796
Something with a big ass
your kids could hide behind

1278
01:03:58,797 --> 01:04:02,132
as she fought off a bear,
and you were running in from the fields!

1279
01:04:02,133 --> 01:04:04,760
"I'm coming for you Clementine," right?

1280
01:04:09,974 --> 01:04:11,600
Yeah, these fucking skinny chicks.

1281
01:04:11,601 --> 01:04:15,646
I'm telling you, they used to die
right and fucking left.

1282
01:04:15,647 --> 01:04:18,607
But over the last 100 years, you had
all these fucking-- all these inventions.

1283
01:04:18,608 --> 01:04:20,651
Centralized heat, right?

1284
01:04:20,652 --> 01:04:24,113
The C-section?
It just keeps them alive.

1285
01:04:27,992 --> 01:04:30,577
They make all these sickly,
whiny kids, you know?

1286
01:04:30,578 --> 01:04:33,831
Next thing you know, everybody's
wearing helmets. This is what it is.

1287
01:04:36,126 --> 01:04:39,044
- No.

1288
01:04:39,045 --> 01:04:41,213
No, this is one of these nights.
I don't feel like leaving.

1289
01:04:41,214 --> 01:04:43,507
I-I only got one more.
I only got one more, but you guys

1290
01:04:43,508 --> 01:04:46,760
were an amazing crowd.
So, let's end on this one right here.

1291
01:04:46,761 --> 01:04:50,764
So, uh, my lovely wife has given
me two beautiful children.

1292
01:04:50,765 --> 01:04:54,643
And, uh, few months back,
I was, uh, giving my son a bath.

1293
01:04:54,644 --> 01:04:57,062
He was 3 at the time, right?
So, I'm giving him a bath, right?

1294
01:04:57,063 --> 01:04:58,981
I wash him and everything.
I rinse him off, and then I--

1295
01:04:58,982 --> 01:05:01,567
he stand-- I stand him up.
I go, "Alright, buddy, it's your turn."

1296
01:05:01,568 --> 01:05:03,652
I hand him the washcloth,
and I'm like, "Alright, buddy."

1297
01:05:03,653 --> 01:05:06,155
I go, "It's your turn.
You gotta wash your pee-pee, right?"

1298
01:05:06,156 --> 01:05:09,116
'Cause I don't touch that part of him
'cause I got touched as a kid,

1299
01:05:09,117 --> 01:05:11,118
and he's not gonna
become a comedian, right?

1300
01:05:11,119 --> 01:05:14,706
- Basically, so...

1301
01:05:15,832 --> 01:05:19,419
It ends with me, right?
So, I go...

1302
01:05:20,712 --> 01:05:24,048
I go, "Alright, buddy, it's your turn.
Here's the washcloth. Wash your pee-pee."

1303
01:05:24,049 --> 01:05:26,508
Three years old,
he looks right back at me, he goes,

1304
01:05:26,509 --> 01:05:30,095
- "And my balls."

1305
01:05:33,475 --> 01:05:36,894
Dude, my heart almost stopped!
I was like,

1306
01:05:36,895 --> 01:05:40,064
"Who-Who taught you that word? You're not
in school yet! How do you know that word?"

1307
01:05:40,065 --> 01:05:43,400
I knew it was me. I knew it was me.
I was just trying to think.

1308
01:05:43,401 --> 01:05:46,737
I'm going, "Who taught you that word?
And please don't say that to Mom

1309
01:05:46,738 --> 01:05:48,655
'cause she's gonna kill me."
And I was thinking,

1310
01:05:48,656 --> 01:05:51,784
"How-- When the fuck did I say that to him
that he knew to say that?"

1311
01:05:51,785 --> 01:05:53,744
And I realized we were potty training him,

1312
01:05:53,745 --> 01:05:55,871
and I didn't realize
I was saying that word

1313
01:05:55,872 --> 01:05:58,207
'cause, you know, he'd be like, "Dad,
I gotta go pee-pee. I gotta go pee-pee."

1314
01:05:58,208 --> 01:06:00,042
So, we'd set him down on the toilet,
and he would go.

1315
01:06:00,043 --> 01:06:02,628
I'd be, "Oh, who's a big boy?"
You know, hand him the toilet paper.

1316
01:06:02,629 --> 01:06:04,755
I'd be like, "Alright, let's go.
Wipe your pee-pee," right?

1317
01:06:04,756 --> 01:06:06,924
And f-for whatever reason, he was like,

1318
01:06:06,925 --> 01:06:08,842
reaching way down under.

1319
01:06:08,843 --> 01:06:11,011
- He was going way down under like that.

1320
01:06:11,012 --> 01:06:13,264
So, I was going like,
"No, dude. No, higher.

1321
01:06:14,140 --> 01:06:15,182
"You gotta go--

1322
01:06:15,183 --> 01:06:17,267
"Dude, you're wiping your balls.
Those are your balls, man.

1323
01:06:17,268 --> 01:06:20,771
"You gotta, gotta wipe where the pee
comes out. Higher, higher, higher!

1324
01:06:20,772 --> 01:06:23,857
Dude, you're still wiping your balls.
Higher. There you go! There, right!"

1325
01:06:23,858 --> 01:06:27,903
And I did say balls because,
you know, that's what they're called!

1326
01:06:27,904 --> 01:06:29,321
You know?

1327
01:06:29,322 --> 01:06:31,657
There's a million cute words
for your dick, right?

1328
01:06:31,658 --> 01:06:33,826
Your ding-a-ling, your ding-dong,
your wing-wang,

1329
01:06:33,827 --> 01:06:35,494
- whatever the fuck you call it.

1330
01:06:35,495 --> 01:06:37,913
But your balls,
they're just your balls, right?

1331
01:06:37,914 --> 01:06:39,873
So, that's what I said.

1332
01:06:39,874 --> 01:06:42,751
And this little man, he put it in the bank

1333
01:06:42,752 --> 01:06:45,337
and just waited, like, two months

1334
01:06:45,338 --> 01:06:47,923
for the perfect moment!

1335
01:06:47,924 --> 01:06:49,675
"Here you go, buddy.
Wash your pee-pee."

1336
01:06:49,676 --> 01:06:51,760
And he just, "And my balls."

1337
01:06:53,805 --> 01:06:55,931
Yeah, and I gotta be honest with you.

1338
01:06:55,932 --> 01:06:58,892
I have never been
so proud of him in my life.

1339
01:06:58,893 --> 01:07:01,854
To be a father and hear
your 3-year-old son go,

1340
01:07:01,855 --> 01:07:03,272
"My balls," you're like, "That's right.

1341
01:07:03,273 --> 01:07:05,899
"You got fucking balls, buddy.
You got balls.

1342
01:07:05,900 --> 01:07:07,401
"You don't break 'em for nobody. Come on.

1343
01:07:07,402 --> 01:07:09,361
"Punch me in the shoulder.
Punch me in the shoulder.

1344
01:07:09,362 --> 01:07:11,238
Go Pats. Go Pats."

1345
01:07:11,239 --> 01:07:14,575
Alright, you guys were awesome!
Thank you so much for coming out!

1346
01:07:14,576 --> 01:07:17,620
- I had a great time with you!

1347
01:07:18,455 --> 01:07:21,291
I will see you next time I come through!

1348
01:07:22,959 --> 01:07:24,878
Thank you, thank you, thank you!

1349
01:08:52,257 --> 01:08:54,175
<i>Do you know how good you go it, lady?!</i>