Okay, um, what's my favorite film?
Ah, that's… Okay, Conformist…
- It was a tie. And-And, uh, Last Tango. - Last Tango wasn't…
- Hey, look at that. - Oh.
Mmm.
- Wow. - Okay, favorite author?
Dr. Seuss.
Yes, and…
Uh, Simone de Beauvoir.
Correct.
Best kiss? I mean, that we've had.
First one. And the last one.
- Are we going down here? - Yeah.
- Shit. - Come on.
- Careful. - Whoo!
Whoo! You got a coin? Come on, we gotta make a wish.
Who's got coins?
- Oh, I do. - Y-You do?
Gelato.
- No, you go first. - You first.
No, you.
Well, what did you wish for?
- I can't tell you. - Come on.
- Won't come true. - No, Coop, come on. Tell me, tell me.
Okay.
I'm really wishing and praying…
that you do not fall in love with me.
Okay. And… And why would that be?
Well, there's so much you're gonna miss about me when I'm gone.
Like what?
Well, like how I do not snore.
You don't?
And how I pull out the chairs for you at restaurants and open doors.
- Mmm. That's true. - And how I kiss you from head to toe.
Stopping for a while somewhere in the middle.
A very long time.
Mmm. I do like that.
I know.
We're ready for you.
Your interview subject's name is Ashley Sanders.
And she is?
He.
…within blast range.
Hey, Ashley.
I'm Special Agent Cooper Madsen.
Hi. Ashley Sanders.
Some outfit they got you in.
Yeah, uh…
So, uh… [clears throat] …you saw this, uh,
Harper Rose walk into the cafeteria?
- Yes. - And how was she?
Pale, um, shaky, uh, not herself.
And I stayed away, you know, I-I-I was, like,
away across the room, you know.
I thought she had fucking COVID or some shit.
- I didn't wanna catch it, so, um… - Yeah.
- Did you know the people sitting with her? - Um, yes.
I mean, kind of, not really, um…
Britney, the one that… …she, uh…
- Threw out the window? - Yeah.
Um, she was, uh, she was cool.
She-She gave me some lip balms once.
You know, at Vogue, they get all these, like,
amazing, cool products,
but most of the girls who work there are, like, total snobs.
They're, like, third-generation wealth who pulled some strings
to get some entry-level dream job,
and now they all look down at guys like me, like, you know.
Why?
Because I work at GQ, and I'm, like, the assistant fitness editor.
It's below them or something.
- I knew the gay guy too. - How?
Um, not to be homophobic or anything, but he was sort of notorious for, like,
hanging around the men's bathrooms
and checking the fitness dudes' cocks out at the urinals
and stuff like that, so…
Yeah, he was always, like, "cruise-y."
And, um, I don't know, I never had a problem showing off,
so I'd give him a little show, and I don't know…
It made me feel superior and, like, pick me up on down days, I guess.
Sorry, I don't know why I'm telling you this.
No, it's all right. It's all right.
Um, so you knew Harper?
- Yeah. - In what way?
She was, like, sort of… …so beautiful,
like, unattainable, you know, kind of a snobby bitch, honestly, like…
Yeah, she was new in town.
She-She-She didn't really know anybody,
and, um, it started with me, like, taking her to clubs, concerts, everything.
Yeah, I think I actually really…
I actually really loved her.
Um, yeah, I loved her.
And…
Hey, it's gonna be all right, okay?
- It's okay. You're gonna be all right. - Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm-I'm…
Thank you for being kind, man. I'm, like…
They've kinda been treating us like animals, you know.
Fuck, man.
Is this, like… …the end of the world?
Not if I can help it.
Why the fuck did she explode?
Is she, like, a suicide bomber or a fucking terrorist?
Well, that's what we're trying to figure out.
You know, they took my blood, um, without asking me.
Uh, they didn't tell me, like… …what it was for or why.
Um, do you know when we're gonna get those results?
I do not.
Anyway.
Yeah, so it was, like, personal for me.
Um, I loved her, uh, even if she didn't love me back, you know.
We fucked a few times, she ghosted me. It was, like, one of those…
You had sex with her?
Dude… Oral, anal, everything.
Did you use protection?
I mean, honestly, like, I'm not trying to, like, kiss-and-tell, like…
But, like, she was a fucking freak in the sack, like a lion.
Like, I couldn't keep up, like, rough shit too.
Like, I would pull her hair…
Dude, also, the sheer amount. Like, unquenchable.
What's happening?
- Whoa, what's happening? - Hey.
- What did I do? I'm sorry! - Hey, hey!
- Hey, help me! Please, help me! - Easy! Easy!
Freeze! Stop moving. We will shoot.
We have a possible infected. Repeat, possible infected down here.
One second. I just need to call my boyfriend, please.
Please, just one second.
I'll do anything. I swear I won't leave.
But please just give me one second. Can I…
Look…
What are you do…
Ow! Fuck! That hurts! Please…
Can someone please tell me what's going on? Okay? Please.
Please. There's a person in here, okay? God. Fuck.
Ow, fuck.
Relax, Manny.
I just don't understand why I have to be strapped in here, okay?
Please, just talk to me like a person!
Please, just…
Stay still, sir. This is the last one.
What is that for? Fuck.
Hi, Manny.
Fuck. Who are you?
- My name is Cooper. - Are you gonna help me, please?
Can you get me out of here? I'm trying to get outta here.
I just want to see my mom, okay? Fuck.
Fuck, can somebody help me, please?
Manny, relax, relax. My name is Cooper.
I'm here to ask you some questions, okay?
What? Like a fucking FBI agent or something?
Yeah.
That… Are you kidding? I was joking. Are you serious? That was a guess.
Oh, my God. Fuck. Is this a joke?
Okay, okay, something's going on with me, okay?
I'm really hot. I'm so fucking hot.
Okay, are you hot?
Look, I-I-I know you're hot.
Clearly, you're hot, that's not what I mean. You're hot and you're masked,
you're hot, but like, are you burning up? Fuck.
Manny. Manny, I just need you to focus, okay?
You have such a kind face. Okay.
Please, are you gonna help me get out of here? Please!
I'll see what I can do, okay?
Your friend Harper--
Yeah, the one who blew up in my fucking face?
Can you think of anyone else she was spending time with?
Who the fuck knows? She's a hot, stuck-up gash.
It's that glow in her eyes right before she went fucking nuts.
That's what's burned into my mind.
Okay, what the fuck was that? Like, what's going on?
Is she an alien? Is she a robot?
All right. Just try to relax.
I'll relax when somebody tells me when I can get the fuck out of here!
We can talk about that when we get these fever spikes under control.
You should stand back.
What do you mean? Why stand back?
Why do you have to stand back? What's wrong with me?
Sir, please don't do that.
Please! Oh, please, just talk to me like a person, okay?
This is so fucking inhumane.
Please, you guys are fucking assholes!
Please. They said that I was positive, but I've been on PrEP for years, okay?
That's gotta help, right? Won't that help?
We're waiting on the CDC labs for guidance.
The CDC. Fuck, that doesn't sound good. Oh, my God.
This is something unfamiliar.
That's why contact tracing is so important right now.
Okay. Can you at least…
Please, can you get someone to bring me my dogs?
Okay? They have really bad anxiety,
and my boyfriend always forgets their meds.
Pooh Bear has Crohn's disease. He's gonna shit all over my rugs.
Sir, if you don't relax, we're gonna be forcing medic--
- Guys! Guys. - Please.
Manny, Manny, I'm gonna see what I can do about your dogs, okay?
What kind of dogs do you have?
A labradoodle and a terrier.
I had a Jack Russell growing up.
A smart dog.
It did shit on the carpet a lot, though.
Yeah.
Listen, Manny, I know this is difficult, but you're gonna be okay.
I'm scared, man. I'm scared.
Manny, I need you to think.
Who else was Harper spending time with?
You know, it's funny, I used to hate holding people's hands.
I drove every boyfriend I ever had crazy.
Sweaty palms are gross, right?
Anyways, bottoming and, like, giving head and stuff,
that's more my love language anyways.
But I…
What's gonna happen to me?
They won't let my family in here.
As soon as I get the green light,
I'm gonna make sure they're right by your side. Okay?
Okay.
Fuck! Ow!
Heart rate's gone through the roof.
- Manny. Hey, stay with me, Manny. - Ow! Fuck!
What the fuck is happening?
Code yellow. Need some help in here.
Sir, please stop doing that.
Somebody help me, please!
Somebody help me!
Fuck!
Manny!
Manny.
No, no!
Jesus Christ.
Help! Somebody help me!
Seal the goddamn exit!
Please, make it stop. Please, make it stop.
Chimps, man. Cute and cuddly until they're not.
I blame that goddamn Curious George.
Everyone thinks they can be The Man in The Yellow Hat.
Did you hear the 911 call?
You can hear their friends screaming
while the monkey goes ape shit.
I hear he ate her face after he ripped it off.
What the…
Open it.
- Officer. - Open the door.
Officer, you need to understand--
FBI, open the fucking door right now.
Breathtaking, isn't it?
What the fuck are these?
We're turning a tragedy into hope.
To call them donors is crass.
I call them my epidermis angels.
Beautiful people, who left the earth far too soon.
And who were so generous as to pass along their good fortune to others.
Skin grafts, preserved in their entirety, and waiting to be gifted.
Protect them, please!
Do not let beauty be wasted on the dead!
What?
What the fuck am I?
You did this to me!
What have you done? My angels.
Enough propofol to stop a grizzly.
Manny! Stop!
Stand down. We have the place surrounded.
Stay where you are.
Turn around, slowly.
Now!
Don't shoot, we need him alive!
Shit.
W-W-W-Wait! Wait!
Fuck.
Buongiorno.
Yo, what's up?
Grazie.
- Can you work on him a little bit, please? - Yes.
I like this tie right here, that's beautiful, perfetto.
The blue, thank you.
Whoo!
Make it tight.
Tighter.
Sleeker.
Now we're talking.
No. I told you, no saliva exchange, ever.
That's over for you now. Not that you ever had it.
And no blow jobs for you either.
Pre-cum is a contagion agent. Those are the rules for you now.
There you go, you're doing good.
Ooh.
Oh, big finish. Big finish.
Okay.
Jesus!
Maria.
All right. Good.
Grazie, Maria. It's always good to see you.
Okay, well, thank you for the tutelage. It's always a pleasure.
- I'll see you soon. - No, you won't.
His dick was too big. I won't walk straight for a week.
Good shit.
There you go.
All right.
Okay.
All right, well, pack your bags.
- We're being summoned. - Where?
CDC. They got a live one.
How I look forward to my monthly poke, Ray.
My skin gets tighter, my ass gets higher.
I can fuck five times a day and still be hard as a rock.
Science is amazing.
I have to say, sir, you look surprisingly buoyant,
- considering what's happening out there. - It's a good day, Ray.
It's a very good fucking day.
Michael Bay chopped his post-production schedule,
so all the digital and linear advertising of the shop
will be ready to roll out by September 9th.
World Beauty Day.
It'll be here before we know it.
World Beauty Day, sir?
World Beauty Day is a holiday that already exists.
It was created as an opportunity to meditate
on what beauty means to us.
So fucking lame, meaningless, like fucking Arbor day.
Not anymore. I'm co-opting it, it's mine.
It's our Pharmaceutical Launch D-Day.
Exploding models on cell phone cameras is not ideal,
but this kind of negative exposure was always baked in the cake.
Whenever you have cutting edge, market-expanding stuff like this,
you're going to have product hijackers and black-market salesmen
ripping you off.
The cock is out of the condom, my friend.
It's a little sooner than I'd hoped for.
But between social media and legacy,
it's a goddamn miracle I've been able to keep a lid on things as long as I have.
Sadly, we anticipated this scenario.
I anticipated this.
After your lab-coat losers stole my formula,
I spent every waking minute trying to keep this fucking leaky-ass boat afloat.
You have no patience.
Progress is still being made.
Product perfected.
Fucking product. You've had fucking years. Okay, dude?
Do I strike you as a progress kind of guy?
Like a half measure, mediocrity, clappity-clap, A-for-effort type fuck?
Ignition ketosis has proven to be a very difficult problem to solve.
Yeah, well, now it's gonna drive sales.
Between Paris and this cafeteria calamity, I'm embracing the pivot.
We're focusing on these, the boosters.
They solve our side effects. They buy us time.
They're gonna make me a shit ton of money.
That's not sustainable.
You can't be so shortsighted.
Clearly, you're not tolerating the new formula as well as I'd hoped.
Do you think this hypomaniac business…
is a side effect of the doses wearing off?
Better make it a holiday pour, just to be safe.
Considering we're on day 1,238, I'd say we're doing quite well.
That's exactly why we're accelerating the business plan.
No more testing, no more protocols.
September 9th, World Beauty Day.
It's on the fucking schedule.
Even if we abandon testing phases--
Mm-hmm, double production.
Buy another factory, I don't give a shit.
I already told the quarter-zips in marketing
to buy up all the digital ad inventory, so it's happening. It's done.
But further testing is needed.
Clearly, it's been mutating out in the wild,
changing its behavior, creating new versions.
None of that matters.
I'm giving them an injectable Instagram filter.
This is the attention economy.
Instant gratification at all costs.
We live in a world of perpetual upgrades,
from iPhones to toothpastes to semaglutides.
If my boosters keep them alive and forever young,
they'll be begging for it.
Like a diabetic cries out for insulin.
That's, like, what, six shots a day?
There he is.
Hey.
You know what, Ray?
Just to spite you, water down the doses and we'll double production.
Instead of once a month, we'll give it to them once a week.
Price stays the same. Good talk, Ray.
Hello, you've reached me, Jordan…
- Oh, Cooper. - Hi, Mrs. Allen.
So happy to see you, you've been traveling for so long.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh…
I'm just here to pick up Nine Lives.
My cat?
I'm so sorry.
Nine Lives died two months ago.
I'm so sorry.
Oh.
Jordan?
Can I help you?
Cooper.
I'm sorry, do I know you?
Cooper, it's me.
It's Jordan.