[♪ Sonata No. 3 in C Major, Op. 2, No. 3 by Ludwig van Beethoven ♪]
Downloaded from YTS.LT
[birds chirping]
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.LT
[Chris] Tim from Thailand in the motherfucking house!
Dude, I can't be here.
What?
I can't be here, I gotta go.
What are you talking about? You just got here.
If I see Angus, I'm going to kill him and then I'm going to kill myself.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I thought you were okay with this.
Okay, with forgiving the guy that fucked my wife and ruined my marriage?
He's not just some guy. He's your brother.
Right, which means that's his sister. By law!
You know how sick that is? That's incest!
It's not incest...
...but I know what you mean.
[Tim] I want nothing to do with him.
Tim. Relax. You just flew halfway around the world to be here.
You did it for a reason. Angus has changed.
I have changed.
Why are you here? Because I'm getting married!
Married, man! You know what that means?
One woman for the rest of my life?
For my life!
One girl, one girl, I can only sleep with one girl.
I can't fuck anybody else.
I'm a fucking hound dog, Tim. I'm a hound dog.
[Howls]
You know how we do it.
You're the brother I never had. You're my best man.
I need you to stop being a little bitch, please.
Fuck you, I'm a bitch? You a bitch.
Tim: You a bitch. Chris: You a bitch, man.
You a bitch ass.
Okay, okay.
You know, but forget it, let's change the subject, man.
Like, when did your grandma's crib become an episode of hoarders?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm a businessman, Tim.
I'm a businessman.
Yo, I'm fucking making bank.
This fucking guy?
This fucking guy? 500 bucks on eBay.
It's a collectible item.
It's a frog, man.
Yeah, I don't even know what's in half these fucking boxes, man.
It's like Pokémon cards. I open it up and I'm like, "Holy shit, I'm rich!"
This place is a mess, bro.
Fuck the mess.
We're gonna sip on this shit, motherfucker.
Golden Pagoda Reserve.
Yeah, this shit here is for the fucking king.
Here, take this, man. We're about to fucking get lit.
Let's - let's go.
I like to drink so pour it up.
Yeah, of course you do.
Is there a toast?
To change.
To change, yeah.
- Woo! -Ugh!
Oh, God, that's fucking tight.
That's potent.
You want another?
Ehhhh.
[Doorbell rings]
Give me... give me the bottle.
[♪ Sonata No. 3 in C Major, Op. 2, No. 3 by Ludwig van Beethoven ♪]
Boom!
Sup, bitch!
Jordan, what are you doing here?
You invited me, bro. Duh!
Yeah, but you're like crazy early.
I just finished at the gym.
I'm fucking hyped. I'm starving, bro.
Let's fucking chow down.
Let's fucking eat!
Bang!
Oh, shit.
This place is a pigsty, man.
- How do you live like this? -Jordan.
It's whatever. I sell this stuff.
You're like stupid early.
Can you just come back in like an hour...
I'm fucking hungry! What do you not get?
Jordan, listen.
My friend Tim, who's been living in Thailand for the past 10 years,
I just got him back in the country.
Oh, wow. Thanks for sharing that boring backstory.
I'm fucking hungry, bro.
What's going on?
Tim! Hey!
This is Jordan, my good friend/personal trainer.
Uh. Tim, Jordan, Jordan, Tim.
He was supposed to come after the whole thing with your brother.
He was just leaving.
No, I'm not going anywhere.
Yeah, of course you're not. You just got here. That'd be silly.
I'm going to go call your brother, Jordan.
We're going to eat soon. And yeah, yeah.
Yeah, we're... we're cool.
So, you're a personal trainer?
You lift?
Nah, not really. I'm a hiker if that counts.
Fuck yeah.
You know all about them fucking mountain goats, brother?
Mountain goats?
Fucking mountain goats, bro.
They go like right up the side of a mountain,
and they can walk straight up because their legs are 20 times stronger
than any other mammal on the face of the earth.
Man, mountain goats are fucking mind-blowing.
You got to study it, man.
I watch like nine-hour documentary on these fucking dudes.
Fuck.
You're never going to guess what I...
We're just talking about goats.
Boom!
Organic goat hemin, man.
Any protein you put in your body.
Any protein.
It's multiplied 20 times over.
This stuff is insane.
It's organic.
It comes from a lab in China. Like, it's probably illegal.
You know what else I got?
You ever get tired?
I bet you get tired, right?
This?
Boom!
If you've ever battled with insomnia? Well, guess what?
Bear creatinine is gonna knock it the fuck out.
One drop of this shit?
Bang!
Down goes insomnia, man!
Bear creatinine is the champ!
You mean creatine.
You mean creatinine.
Isn't it pronounced creatine?
It's creatinine, bitch.
I know exactly what I'm talking about, man.
This is the shit that makes bears hibernate.
One drop of this, you're fucking out like a fucking baby, man.
You sleep sometimes five, six fucking days.
It's fucking insane, this shit, man.
I fucking love this shit.
Oh, fuck.
Hang on.
Oh, you know what else?
Got that.
Oh, what's that one?
It's cocaine.
Oh.
[Snorting]
Woo!
I'm a golden goblet holder!
I am the Messiah!
Jordan!
Yo!
What-what-what-what are you doing?
What'chu you doing?
I was just showing them my supplements and stuff like that.
We were bonding over supplements and mountain goats.
No!
This is the time or the place, Jordan.
Come on.
Oh! Dude, it's a celebration.
Come on.
You got to do some goat hemin with me.
Take some goat semen?
What?
It's fucking goat hemin, man.
Don't fucking sacrilege my fucking product, man.
Fucking goat semen.
No one's taking fucking goat semen.
Want me to keep being your fucking trainer?
Take fucking goat hemin, man.
I guess I'm going to take some goat hemin.
Yeah.
It's my pleasure.
Did not mean to insult you, Jordan.
Mmm.
Looks delicious.
Thanks.
I got no problem taking goat hemin.
Dumbass.
Go to the fucking CVS.
Get yourself some fucking moisturizer for your pussy.
That is a hard pill to swallow.
Yeah.
Thank you, Jordan.
For the goat hemin.
Come on.
You want in?
You know what?
Let's just stick with the Golden Pagoda Reserve.
Golden what now?
Golden Pagoda Reserve.
It's like Thailand's finest vodka.
Alcohol.
You want me to fucking put poison in my body?
Look at this fucking temple, man.
What do you say to Mecca, man?
Let me fucking burn you down with some fucking kerosene?
Nah. I'm good.
I don't fuck around, man.
I'm a healthy motherfucker, dude.
- Fucking put alcohol in my fucking mouth. - What the...
Oh!
God!
Oh!
Hey, man, so tell me about your fiancé, man.
What's up with her?
Let me see her picture.
You getting married like to a lady and shit?
We could talk about her, or we could figure out what we're getting from Richards.
Fucking Richards!
Fuck yeah!
Richards, Richards, Richards.
Fuck yeah.
Richards, Richards.
Fuck yeah.
Oh! Richards!
Fuck yeah!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's Richards?
What is this guy? Fucking special bus, man?
Fucking Richards, man.
You don't know what Richards is?
No, dude. I've been in Thailand for ten years, alright?
Richards ain't some fucking fly-by-night fucking start-up, man.
Richards Steakhouse and Company been around since 1887, motherfucker.
Richards is the fucking epitome of fine steak dining.
They perfectly season and grill every cut.
Filet mignon, ribeye, everything.
It's a fucking explosion in your mouth, motherfucker
and you don't know what the fuck it is?
It's a top tier place, Tim.
And the best part about it is Angus is buying.
Yeah, right, man.
You bullshitter.
I don't believe that at all.
Angus ain't paying for nothing, man.
I'm telling you, man, it was his idea, man.
Yeah, okay.
Alright.
Speaking of which, you know what?
I got this.
Yeah?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got this.
Y'all work on your Richards.
Richards.
I'm gonna answer the door
- and speak to my brother. -Alright.
Alright?
That's what's up.
Cool, yeah, alright.
I got this, man.
Respect, man.
Yeah, man.
That guy's fucking showing fed behavior, man.
He doesn't know what the fuck Richards is?
Shut the fuck up.
[♪ Sonata No. 3 in C Major, Op. 2, No. 3 by Ludwig van Beethoven ♪]
Holy shit, Tim!
That's you?
Damn, you aged like a president.
[Laughs]
Look at this shirt!
Really?
Yeah, you look bad, man.
You look like dad in the later years of his life.
What the f...
My God.
Man, fuck this and fuck you, man.
- I don't need this motherfucking... - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up, I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
You just...
...aged terribly.
That's all.
Look, I'll bounce, I'll leave.
You'll never see me again.
But I just want to let you know how sorry I am for everything.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, what'd you say?
I'm sorry, Tim.
I'm very sorry.
Deeply, I'm sorry.
You're sorry?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Man, I think you're full of shit.
All right, man.
No, no, no, no, no, no, but, but, but, but, but, but, but fuck it.
I ain't never heard you say sorry in life, ever.
Not once.
Not even a fake one, dude.
So, fuck it, yes.
You're sorry, man?
I accept it.
This is crazy, man.
Come here, bring it in here, bro.
All right, cool.
[♪ Rap music ♪]
To the brothers!
Mmm!
That's got a bite!
You know what fucking time it is?
Fucking Richards, man.
Fucking Richards, bro.
Let's fucking roll.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's DeliverUS this.
Wait a minute.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
We're not going to Richards.
Do they even fucking do take out?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I got 75% off promo code, chill.
Steaks for four, medium rare, right?
No, no, no, no, no.
Not medium rare.
Mine needs to be raw.
Raw.
Fucking raw.
All right, three medium rare steaks.
Raw!
Mine needs to be fucking raw.
One black and blue.
Not black and blue.
Mine needs to be fucking raw.
Black and blue means raw.
Black and blue means fucking black and blue.
That's why it says black and blue.
Put fucking raw onto the fucking thing, man.
Special accommodations needs to be raw.
For Jordan.
You guys are fucking up getting them cooked, man.
I mean, raw is the only way to get them enzymes.
Let's do it.
Let's see what the total is.
$699.29.
Throw in a promo code.
That brings us to...
Oh, damn it.
It's 75% off up to $15.
Hey, we'll go somewhere else.
Do you want sushi?
Raw fish?
No!
Motherfucker!
I want Richards!
You know what, listen, y'all don't know but I
became a pretty dope chef over there in Asia, man.
You know what, let me check your pantry. You probably have
all the ingredients I need to make these crazy delicious
Thai pancakes. They're sweet but spicy, you'll like 'em.
- Doesn't sound too bad. -Sweet and spicy?
You're going to tickle my balls with your tongue, too? Talking like that!
Excuse me?
What the fuck, man?
Sweet but spicy?
Fuck this shit, man.
I fucking came here for Richards.
You gave me my fucking word.
I don't want his pansy ass - no offense -
- gay ass motherfucking -Jordan.
"fuck me in the ass" pancakes.
Jordan, Jordan, no.
That's not nice.
If there's no Richards, there's no fucking Jordan.
Okay, that's how it fucking happens, man.
That's the fucking deal.
No offense.
But fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you, you fucking bitch ass motherfucker.
Hope you fucking get your organs taken out.
Jordan, Jordan, Jordan, Jordan, Jordan.
- What, bitch? -DJ, music off!
It's cool, man.
We're still going to get the Richards.
Fucking... I want fucking Richards.
We're getting it.
Yeah, I got it.
I'm a man of my word.
I promised to get the Richards.
It's Chris's Special Day.
I got it.
Okay.
- We're getting Richards. -I'm staying then.
Order received.
Food's on the way.
Fuck, yeah.
I'm fucking ready to eat, bro.
[Vomits]
Oh God! What the fuck?
[Gagging]
Oh God, oh God.
What the fuck, man?
The shit's fucking cashmere, Jordan.
What the fuck?
Dude, are you all right?
No, I'm not fucking all right.
Do I look fucking all right to you, man?
What the fuck?
No, no, not you, Jordan, man.
That's a lot of vomit.
Yeah, I'm totally fine.
I throw up all the time, man.
I'm sorry about the mess...
[Vomits]
Oh, fuck!
Oh, stop!
Oh, fuck!
Oh, man.
Sorry about that.
Dude, there's a lot of blood in your vomit.
No, that's no more than usual.
No, no, no.
Zero blood in your vomit is the usual amount you should have.
And you shouldn't be throwing up in the first place.
I mean, I throw up.
It's a side effect of the supplements.
That's what happens.
The fucking supplements?
Yeah, the goat hemin.
I mean, it says it right on the
- side of the bottle. - You fucking gave me one!
Let me see.
Uh, warning.
Side effects may include permanent impotence,
projectile vomiting?
- Yeah, we saw that. -Cardiac arrest?
Dude! You shouldn't be taking these!
What the fuck did you give me?
It's goat hemin, goddamn it.
[Wet fart]
Oh.
[Wet fart]
Ooh, it gives me wicked shits also.
[High pitched wet fart]
Oh my God.
[Sharts in pants]
Holy fuck!
Go to the fucking bathroom.
I'm going to the fucking bathroom.
I'm fucking sorry, man.
Don't judge me.
Fuck me.
[♪ Funk music ♪]
♪ It's gotta be ♪
[Chris] ♪ against the law to look this damn good. ♪
[Chris] ♪ Watch out now. ♪
[Chris] ♪ Because baby, I feel real good ♪
[Chris] ♪ and I wish I would ♪
[Chris] ♪ Watch out now. ♪
♪ And I... ♪
Dude, what the fuck, man?
We need to talk, man.
Dude, can I change?
Go nuts.
Dude, you're a fucking piece of shit, man.
Rude.
Do you think he bought it?
Oh, Jordan definitely bought the sweater.
Shit's fucking cashmere.
You know how much that goes for?
He just cost me a fortune...
No, not your sweater.
I'm talking about Tim.
Do you think he bought the apology?
Dude, of course he bought the apology.
Are you fucking dumb?
I don't think in our wildest dreams
we thought it'd be going this well.
It's not.
Your boy Jordan is a fucking mess.
He's not my boy.
I barely know the guy.
You vouched for him.
You asked me to find a corrupt notary
and by the grace of God, I actually did.
This guy passed a test and took an oath,
and he's willing to throw that all out the window
to commit fraud for five ounces of raw meat.
I don't know how anyone could vouch for someone like that.
I could vouch that he's a piece of shit.
I could vouch that he's a scumbag.
I can vouch that he destroyed my sweater.
Blah, blah, blah.
Oh, my God.
Just make sure he doesn't fuck this up.
If you don't shut your mouth, you're gonna fuck this up.
Oh, I am. Oh, oh God.
Tim's not coming up here.
You don't know that.
I do know that.
We agreed not to talk about the plan,
and here you are, talking about the plan.
You should just be happy, you might actually get your brother back.
Who gives a shit?
Do you think I give...
Just stick to the plan, okay?
Tim blacks out.
He signs the paperwork.
Your boy notarizes it.
Then I sell my dead dad's house to the development company
that's offering me 1,000 times more than what it's worth.
You want your cut? Do your fucking part.
That's rich coming from you. Do my part?
Yeah.
Let me show you what my part looks like.
I fabricated a whole wedding to get Tim back into the country.
I have 150 of these, minus the one I sent to Tim in Thailand.
Yo, you want to come to my wedding?
Huh? You want to come to my wedding, man? Motherfucker?
Huh?
Dude, I got a rabbi.
You coming tomorrow?
Where's my gift?
What's my gift?
Huh?
Where's my fucking gift, man?
What's my gift?
Hey, hey, hey, chill the fuck out.
It's tomorrow, man.
It's tomorrow.
Hold on. What the...
Chloe?
Who the fuck is Chloe?
I thought you were with Amber or something like that.
First of all, it's Ambre. She's from France.
You met her like 1,000 times, learn to pronounce her name.
And second of all, look how much better
Chloe's name looks on the invitation.
It's the name I came up with. I like it.
I like the way it sounds.
I've always liked the name Chloe.
But you've been seeing Amber for a minute.
Yeah, and she went fucking nuts when she found these.
Accused me of cheating on her.
Me!
Really? You?
You cheat on her all the time.
She doesn't know that!
I don't get why you just didn't say you were getting engaged to Amber.
Oh, because that would have been better.
So when she found the invitations,
she would have thought that we were getting married.
I'd much rather her think I'm cheating on her.
None of this matters.
This is all going to work.
We'll be very rich men
- once this fucking plan goes into action. - [Cell phone notification]
And Sarah from DeliverUS is on the way with the food.
Let's get downtairs and keep him drinking.
[♪ Sonata No. 3 in C Major, Op. 2, No. 3 by Ludwig van Beethoven ♪]
[Snoring]
No fucking way.
[Angus] Ooh, he's a damn fish.
Well, you know, a little bit of vodka, a lot of jet lag.
A little bit of vodka?
[Angus] Well, he did clean the hell out of the kitchen.
[Chris] Shit.
What time is it in Thailand?
It is late.
Man.
We are way ahead of schedule.
All right.
I guess give me a hand with him.
[Snoring]
[Cell phone notification]
Sarah from DeliverUS is here.
All right.
Could you go down and help her with the food?
Wait, what?
Why can't you help her?
I got something to do.
I got to...
What the fuck are you talking about?
I got to take care of some business.
I don't... Ask me less questions.
What do you mean business?
I got to do something.
What the fuck are you doing?
Stop asking me fucking questions.
Let me just go, dude.
What do you have to do?
I got to take a shit.
Shut the fuck up, man.
He's not waking...
[Angus] Hey, Tim?
[Angus] Tim?
[Angus] Your ex-wife is here.
[Angus] See?
[Angus] Nothing.
Damn smelling up my fucking toilet, man.
Fucking piece of sh...
♪ What the fuck is going on? ♪
[ ♪ 80s New Wave Pop Groove ♪]
♪ Who is this fine piece of ass in front of my house right now? ♪
♪ What the fuck is going on? ♪
[♪ Sick 80s keyboard riff ♪]
♪ Please, Lord. ♪
♪ Oh, Jesus. ♪
♪ Get me some Richard's with a side of that ass. ♪
♪ Hot damn. ♪
♪ Please tell me this girl is delivering me steaks. ♪
♪ Hot damn. ♪
♪ I'm gonna feast on some Richard's ♪
♪ and then I'm gonna feast on some pussy. ♪
[Cat meow]
Hey, are you Angus?
I sure am, and you must be the best part of my day.
[Laughs]
Um, sorry for making you come out.
It's a lot of food. It's pretty heavy.
Oh!
It is my pleasure.
So where are you from?
Australia.
I hear it.
Yeah, you do?
- Yeah, it's a nice accent. -Really?
Okay, fair enough.
Some people get it confused with New Zealand.
You know, I've been there.
- Really? -Australia, oh yeah.
Where?
Like all the time.
Holy shit, that's a lot of bags.
Oh, I need to get you to sign this
and take a picture with the food.
Picture?
Yeah, for all the big orders.
You gotta sign off that it's all there.
Well, this is a big order.
Smile!
Great.
Great, great, great.
Um, not to be too forward,
but I was thinking, if you're like free this weekend,
would you maybe wanna like, go grab sushi or a drink?
I have a better idea.
Angus, Angus!
Oh, Angus!
[Toilet flushing]
[Angus] Ooh.
[Angus] Yo, Chris, you might not wanna go in that bathroom, man.
[Angus] I don't know what I ate.
I definitely dropped two towers in there, for real...
Oh, mmm.
Look at that Richard's. So much.
Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude.
- What's up? What's up? -I just fucked.
I fucked the delivery driver in her car.
Dude, what?
Yeah, man, she was smokin'.
Did you wash your hands?
No.
Ew.
Man, come on.
It's fine, man, relax.
You got your hands on the dirty...
You got pussy juice on the plates.
It's fine, dude.
Wash your hands, go get Jordan.
Jordan, you good in there, man?
What'chu doing?
Food's here, man.
Jordan, you don't want your raw steak to get cold.
The fuck, Chris?
There's no food in the Richard's bags, man.
What are you talking about?
You fucked the delivery girl and she fucked us.
Dude, what the fuck?
Come on, man.
Dude, you gotta keep your voice down, man.
Tim's sleeping.
Tim was on a flight for 32 hours
and he's full of vodka. Focus!
She stole from us, Chris.
Dude, what the fuck are you talking about?
Napkins.
You see that?
Napkins.
Dude, we ordered a shit ton of Richards.
Of course they're gonna give us napkins.
Trash?
They're gonna give us that too?
They're gonna give us that too, Chris?
There's probably an explanation for that.
I grabbed the wrong bag.
You could've grabbed the wrong...
- you know. Why didn't I th... The bags! The wrong bags?
Oh, wait a minute! What's that?
Says Richard's.
Seems like the right bag to me, Chris.
Open it up, open it up.
Let's see what's in there. Let's see what's in there.
Oh, dirty laundry, huh?
Oh! Look at this.
Dirty underwear.
How do you know they're dirty?
You wanna investigate?
Oh, God, man.
Fuck! What the fuck, man?
God.
Okay, okay.
I'm sure there's an explanation.
I hope so.
I'm sure there's an explanation.
Let me just...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what, what, what?
What the fuck?
What is it?
Oh, God.
What?
Oh, God, what the fuck?
What is it?
It's a fucking dead rat, man.
Is it dead?
No, it's... Ah!
- Is it dead? -Don't go chill, man.
- You're gonna fucking splat bl... -Is it dead?
Relax.
Is it, fucking... Is it... is it dead?
It's fucking dead, man.
- It's fucking dead, okay? -I swear...
I swear, it jumps out.
I'm... I swear.
God.
What the fuck, man?
Bro.
All right.
I'm gonna call her.
I have her number.
You do that, please.
Do that, Chris.
I'm telling you, she wouldn't do something like this, man.
I don't... there's gonna be an explanation for this.
God.
[Sarah] Hello?
Hey, is this Sarah?
Speaking?
Hey, this is Angus. From... well, you know...
I think there's been a terrible mix-up.
Really, what happened?
Honestly, I'm kinda lost for words right now,
and I'm sure there's a good explanation for this,
but the Richard's bags were filled with garbage
instead of delicious steaks.
What about the fucking rat?
What?
The fucking rat?
Do you think it got in there by itself?
[Sarah] I robbed you, you stupid fuck!
You what?
I put a bunch of garbage and a rat in the fucking bags
to offset the weight, and now I'm eating your dinner,
and then late at night after you've gone to sleep,
I'm gonna shit it out on your fucking doorstep.
What, why would you do that?
This is awful.
[Sarah] Well, Angus.
I think it's fitting for you,
considering how much your name sounds like anus.
Sarah, we slept together.
Why would you do this?
Because I wanted to hear you cry,
you ugly
Justin Timberlake wannabe looking piece of shit!
[Evil laughter]
I mean curly-haired, balding fuck.
That bald spot was all I could see when you turned around.
It blinded me like the fucking sun.
And what was that piece of shit house
you were living in, your dead grandma's house?
I could smell the mothballs from my car.
Man, if she knew what a fucking loser
that you would turn out to be
with your tiny little fucking penis,
she would've aborted your mother.
Jesus Christ!
[Screaming]
Gahhhhhhh!!!
Oh! Gimme that, give me the... Fuck!
I don't know who you are.
I don't know where you're from.
But what I do know is I have a particular set of skills...
Are you doing fucking Liam Neeson from Taken?
No! I'm not!
[Chris] Angus! What'chu doing?
[Angus] What am I supposed to do?
Yo, assholes.
What the fuck is up with this raw steak?
Like, who the fuck orders a completely raw steak?
It was for our friend.
He wanted the enzymes.
[Sarah] What the fucking enzymes are you on about?
You fuck... Agh.
Listen, I'm gonna take it home
and I'm gonna cook it tomorrow.
Now.
Go get fucked!
[Call ends]
Jesus Christ, she's a monster.
I bet you she's not even really studying
for her social worker thing that she's doing.
It's a con job, man.
This whole thing was a damn con job.
Yeah, it was a con job.
- Con job! -It was a con job.
- Big ass con job. -It was a con job.
Like the Comic Con of con jobs.
You know what you need to do?
Thank you for calling Deliver U.S.
Where freedom and liberty meet delivery.
(speaking in Spanish)
To review your most recent Deliver U.S. order,
please say review.
To speak with a customer service representative,
please say representative.
Representative.
Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
Representative.
Let's try this again.
Representative.
Sorry, I'm having trouble understanding you.
Give me that.
Representative, representative.
Let's try this again.
Representative, representative.
Once more for the red, white, and blue!
Representative, representative,
representative, representative.
(speaking in Spanish)
Why'd you press two?
I didn't press anything.
You pressed something, he's speaking Spanish now.
Representante, representante.
(speaking in Spanish)
Oh my God.
Press zero, just press zero.
Oh, that works, yes.
It's a cheat code.
That's the secret, yeah.
It's a cheat code, I know, I know.
Okay.
- Press zero -I'm doing it.
Do it.
I'm doing it.
[Chris] Watch.
[Angus] Are you fucking happy? I'm doing it.
Sir?
[Angus] Nothing's happening. This...
Sir?
Thank you for calling Deliver U.S.
This is Madison, may the Lord bless your evening.
How may I assist you today?
Hey, Madison This is Angus Jenkins.
I made a very expensive order on your service,
but it was stolen by one of your drivers,
who is a sick fuck, by the way,
and we would love to get a free dinner,
and also a full refund, if possible.
[Chris] Yeah, you heard him!
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry, sir.
We can definitely assist you with that today.
And was the order placed using this phone number?
Yes, ma'am.
Great, okay, I'm going through your recent orders.
I see an order for Slopburger for $17.85,
an order from Cookies Plus for $10.45,
another order from Slopburger for $15.85,
an order from Panda Wok for $10.75.
The most recent order from Richard Steakhouse, please.
Dude, how much delivery do you order?
[Angus] I don't like cooking, man.
Oh yes, I see an order from Richard Steakhouse
for $699.29.
Yep, that's it.
Oh, and I see you were able to take advantage
of our 75% off promo code for up to $15! Very nice!
And you say this order was stolen, sir?
Yes, it was stolen by one of your drivers, Sarah.
She said some fucked up stuff about my friend's bald spot.
Look, she's the epitome of evil!
She put a rat in the bag!
What she did was criminal
and we demand satisfaction, Madison.
Well, I'm seeing a signature and photo confirmation
that the order was received and correct.
Yeah, that was me,
but I signed for it before checking the bag.
One would think to check an order for $700, right?
Look, Madison, I was indisposed at the time.
Please do not punish me for my friend's fuck up.
I get it, sir, really,
but our policy for large orders is in place
to prevent such issues. Without any concrete proof
there's really nothing I can do for you.
Oh, well, lookie here, Madison.
You know you can fix this, right?
You know you can.
Just wrangle it up and fix it, right?
No fucking excuses!
Excuses?!
Do you think I enjoy this?
Fielding calls from ungrateful customers
day in and day out?
This job is relentless
and you have the audacity to accuse me of making excuses?
Look, okay, I...
No, you look!
I deal with irate customers all day, every single day,
and for what?
This isn't about policy or procedure.
It's about respect, something you clearly lack!
Okay, Madison.
Chill the fuck out.
Don't you dare
say my name, you tub of lard!
Tub of lard?
You ordered from Cookies Plus fifteen times in the past month.
I see it. Shame on you!
I'm here working two jobs at minimum wage
to feed my four kids, and you pay a premium
so that you can eat yourself to death
without getting off the damn couch!
This is the last straw.
I'm going back to veterinary school.
I quit!
Fuck you, Dave!
Hello?
[Madison] Fuck you!
[Crashing and screaming]
Hello?
[Call ends]
Damn.
Well, that didn't work.
Maybe you shouldn't have yelled at her.
Maybe you should've checked the bags.
[Cell phone notification]
Well, good news.
Still got $30 off of DeliverUS.
[Cell phone notification]
God damn it, I've just been banned from DeliverUS.
Son of a bitch.
Jordan, what'chu doing?
Jordan, come on, man!
Jordan!
You okay?
Yo, Angus.
What?
Jordan's been in here for a really long time.
[Groaning]
Jordan! Yo!
Come on, man.
What the fuck?
Jordan!
Jordan, what the...
- Oh no -Oh fuck!
Is he okay?
Yeah, yeah, he's okay.
Yeah, he's fine.
Jordan!
So before he died, he projectile-vomited all over you
and all over your kitchen?
Yes, officer, that is correct.
I have to tell you, your kitchen looked pretty clean to me.
I know.
My friend apparently is like the head janitor
somewhere in Thailand.
He cleaned it up.
They do not teach you how to clean like that around here,
let me tell you.
Who's your friend?
Me, I am that friend.
Yes.
Sir, I got your statement.
Now I'm gonna get his.
So it was just the three of you?
Yep, three of us.
Was us just chilling, kicking it.
What did I say to you?
My bad, my apologies.
I was just trying to... you know, help.
You wanna help me?
- Yeah, want me to shoot somebody? - Help yourself over that way.
Like now?
Yeah, like today.
All right.
So it was just you three?
Yeah, it was just us three.
I got to tell you, that's a messed up way to go.
I mean, was he high?
I mean, was he on drugs, what?
Um. Oh sh... He was taking these.
Look at this.
I know what this is.
That's that goat semen.
That's the stuff that those bodybuilders take.
It's goat... goat hemin.
It's goddamn snake oil is what it is.
This stuff is not regulated by the FDA.
This stuff will kill you.
I took some earlier.
The goat semen?
It's goat hemin.
- Well I wouldn't... -Hemin?
H-E-M-I-N. Hemin?
Well, I wouldn't take it anymore.
I don't know what to tell you.
I'm sorry about your friend and you have a good evening.
Whoa, whoa, hold up, officer.
Just a minute.
You're still gonna work on the thing we talked about, right?
Locking up the delivery driver
for allegedly stealing food.
You have no evidence of.
Yeah, or you know, at least lock up my friend.
He forged my signature.
You want me to lock up your friend?
Yes.
Lock him up.
Jail!
You seen "Scared Straight," right?
"Hand in my pocket."
"I own you."
I want that for him.
No, but you have a good night.
This is messed up.
You're telling me, man.
Three medium rare steaks minus the raw one.
Don't need that anymore.
What are you doing?
Reordering the Richards.
I thought you were banned.
Yeah, I am, but you know,
just reopened an account in Jordan's credit card.
He won't mind.
Do you want anything different?
I'm doing dessert this time.
They have a great pecan pie, actually.
I haven't tried it, but I heard it's good, though.
How are you even hungry?
I think I'm gonna be sick.
I'm not just hungry, I'm starving, man.
I haven't eaten in a couple of hours. It's messing with my head.
Dude, I need you to be serious for one second.
Why did you lie to the cop?
Why couldn't we just tell her that Tim was sleeping?
Because Tim is knocked out.
And we're gonna keep him that way.
Gotta stick to the plan.
What plan?
Our plan died in the toilet bowl with Jordan.
All we need is another notary.
Who else ya got?
My neighbor Rhonda's a notary.
She's like the nicest lady.
He used to play canasta with my grandma.
Okay, well, call her up.
That sounds great.
Are you nuts?
She would never go for it.
She's like the most upstanding human being
on the fucking planet.
Then why'd you mention her?
Forget I did.
How do you not know any more corrupt notaries?
I'm sorry I don't associate with the sea of corrupt
motherfuckers that also happen to be notaries.
Well, maybe you should because you haven't been
doing anything right.
This whole night has been fuck up after fuck up
because of you.
Because of me?
Yeah, who doesn't check the Richard's bag?
Oh, hell no!
That's not on me.
It's not my fault that Sarah from Deliver U.S.
was a fucking monster.
Come on.
All right, well, that $700 is coming out of your cut.
How about that?
Okay, you little petty fuck.
Put it on my tab.
But guess what?
You owe me way more than that.
My sweater's ruined, my bathroom door's fucking busted.
I paid for the Golden Pagoda Reserve vodka.
You made up the fucking vodka.
I spent a lot of time and spent a lot of money
designing that fucking vodka.
I got that logo designed.
I got it printed out at Kinko's.
I bought the bottle that I placed it on.
I had to get it fucking cut properly.
They fucked it up at Kinko's first.
So I had to buy the actual knife thing to like get it pristine.
I had to get a heat gun to take it off.
I burnt my fingertips on that shit.
I had to buy the band-aids to put on my fingertips.
I had to buy the glue so I could stick the logo on it.
I had to buy the box to put it in.
I got the golden flakes to put it on, the golden bow.
I worked my ass off designing that fucking bottle.
You owe me way more than 700 bucks!
You might be the dumbest person I've ever met.
You spent so much time designing a fake vodka bottle
that does nothing to advance the plan.
It doesn't advance shit.
Tim fucking really appreciated it.
And I'm sorry I like to be creative.
And if anyone... if anyone is a dumb fuck, it's you!
The dude that fucked his brother's wife.
Yeah, your own brother.
You fucking ruined his entire life.
He left the country.
He roamed the earth a broken man because of you.
So if anyone's the asshole, you're the asshole.
All right, I'm gonna be the bigger man.
Fucking scumbag. Fuck... shut the fuck up, yeah.
I'm gonna be the bigger man. It's cool, it's cool.
Yeah, be the bigger man.
- You know what? -Uh-huh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, I'm gonna be the bigger man.
I'm not gonna...
[Angus] You want that, huh?
[Angus] How about that shit?!
[Yelling]
Who's the asshole? Who's the fucking asshole now? Huh?
Who's the fucking asshole?
Oh fuck.
You're a shit.
Woo!
How you like my design work now, bitch?
Oh, God.
[Thudding]
- Motherfucker. - Do it, you fucking pussy! Do it!
Yo!
Oh, hey, Tim!
Oh shit, Tim!
What's up, man?
You're up!
Ha, Tim is up.
Y'all guys as loud as shit.
What the hell's going on?
You know, just horseplaying.
Horseplaying around.
Hanging around.
With my buddy. My buddy!
Love this guy.
Well, look, man, I think I got my second wing.
It's a good thing y'all was so loud,
otherwise I'd have slept through the whole night.
I think I'm ready to rally.
- Yeah, that's... dynamite. Yeah. -Dynamite.
Dynamite, Tim.
Yeah, you rally, you...
Celebrate my wedding, buddy.
- Yeah. Yeah, man. -Yeah.
You know?
Yep.
It's an honor, yes.
- Mmm. -Mmm.
Sorry about the...
Hey, Chris. What's up? Your nose is bleeding.
Oh, it's nothing.
Horseplaying.
Horseplay.
I'm gonna go take care of this.
You take care of that.
I'm gonna wash it right off.
- You fucking take care of that. -Yeah!
I love that guy.
Let's celebrate, man.
I think he won.
Yeah, he did.
[Laughing]
Tim.
Angus.
Let's catch up, let's talk, man. Come on.
So bro, what you been up to, man?
Um... sleeping?
No, I'm talking about like out in Thailand, man.
What were you doing out there?
Oh man, I was in other places besides Thailand.
I was all over Asia.
Spent time in Cambodia, did a little bit of time in Nepal.
Yo, I even went to Mount Everest.
Ooh, you skinny bitch.
You went up Everest?
Oh, I didn't say all that.
I went on and hiked to base camp.
That's the last place people stop
before they scale the mountain.
Yeah.
Oh, dude.
Yo, and I met this shawty.
Oh, hold on, word?
- Oh, you got this. - Yeah, she was... she was bad, bro.
She... damn, she looked good.
And you know, we actually hit it off.
You know, we had a nice little thing together
while her body was getting acclimated to the altitude.
Oh, word?
And boom, boom.
Okay!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hashtag "sucking oxygen."
- Yes, sir! -All right.
Yes, sir. Yeah, we hit it off, man.
And you know what, she gave me her number
and so when she came back down, we were gonna link up.
All right.
So what happened?
I don't know, she either forgot about me or she died.
Oh, damn.
Yeah, man, you know, after your thing with Felicia...
I don't even wanna talk about that, man,
but I had structure in my life.
Yeah.
And then afterwards, I wanted no structure.
And over there is the perfect place,
if that's what you want. No structure.
Yeah.
You know, I got kidnapped in Cambodia?
Whoa, what?
Wait a minute.
Just don't drop that on a conversation.
Yo! I was stuck in the back of a trunk of a car
for three weeks.
And I couldn't beg because I couldn't speak the language.
And they didn't understand me and they didn't understand me,
I didn't understand them.
Okay, wait a minute.
So what happened?
Yo, you know, I thought I was gonna die,
but they just let me out on the side of the highway.
I figured it out from there.
They just let you go?
They just let me go.
That's wild.
You've seen some wild shit out there, man.
Yeah, yeah, man.
But you know what?
You know what?
It actually is all for the better, man.
And I'm happy in my own skin.
I'm comfortable with who I am.
And in a weird way, man, I gotta thank you for that, man.
I don't know about all that, man.
Stop.
- Stop -No, no, I'm serious. Serious. Angus, man.
Sometimes you gotta take a step back
to see the whole picture.
What do you mean by that, man?
Listen, man.
I've been through a lot of pain, Angus.
A lot of hardship.
You know, and the only way you grow
is when you go through a lot of pain.
Look at your boy, Jordan, man.
He got all these muscles.
But in order to get those muscles,
he had to go through pain to get 'em.
And so I'm the same, man.
I went through all that pain,
but I came out a better person.
In a weird, roundabout way,
I think the universe took my pain and put it through you.
That's why you're a better person and changed now, too.
Yeah.
You know what?
I couldn't put my finger on it.
I was like, "What is it?"
It's... yeah.
Yeah, you were gone for all these years, man.
And it's uh...
...it's just a big hole in my heart.
[Cell phone notification]
Whoop, that's the food.
Let's finish this up later, man.
Cool, cool.
You know what?
I should check on Chris.
Could you get the food?
Because this is the food.
- They just hit me up. Yeah. - Yeah, sure. All right.
Oh, you know what?
Make sure you check the bag.
Make sure it's not full of napkins or a dead rat.
Wait, why would anybody do that?
Don't act like it can't happen, man.
There's some sick fucks out there!
[Soft music]
Chris?
You're gonna beat me with that putter?
No, you got a bunch of trash in the house, man.
I saw this, I like this, man.
Can I have it?
You really fucked me up, man.
I think I have a plan
how to get Tim to sign that paperwork.
I feel like I'm in the perfect position to fuck him.
Great, go fuck your brother then.
Whoa, whoa.
Don't be like that.
Don't be like what?
Look at my fucking face, man.
Let's not make this about us, okay?
I appreciate your apology.
That's in the past now.
All right, let's focus on making this money.
Now, check this out, I got a plan, okay?
You casually bring up the development company with Tim, right?
And then he convinces me to sign the paperwork.
Reverse psychology.
Boom.
That's the dumbest plan I've ever heard.
Oh really, that's the dumbest shit?
Not making up a fake wife?
[♪ Sonata No. 3 in C Major, Op. 2, No. 3 by Ludwig van Beethoven ♪]
Man, that meal was worth every minute
of those five flights it took me to get back here.
Hell yeah.
I haven't eaten that well in 10 years.
I'm glad you enjoyed it, man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, what happened to Jordan?
Jordan?
Yeah, the guy who was projectile vomiting?
He's gone.
Wasn't feeling well.
He's gone now.
Oh, that sucks for him.
Especially after the tantrum he was throwing,
that guy seemed like he was gonna die
if he didn't get his Richard's.
- Man, sucks to... -Ha ha ha ha
It sucks to... sucks for him.
Yeah.
Oh shit.
To Jordan leaving.
Yeah, to Jordan leaving, huh, right?
To Jordan!
To Jordan.
Hmm.
Ooh.
Um, so Tim, I got a question for you.
What are your thoughts on the development company?
What development company?
The development company. The guys that made
an insane offer on your dad's house.
Oh, come on, man.
We're enjoying a meal here, stop it.
Let's... come on, get some more German potatoes.
Spinach. Let's... stop.
Let's not do that.
No, no, no, I'm curious.
I don't know anything about this.
Tim, listen to me.
This development company is building
a massive skyscraper in your old neighborhood.
We're talking residential, commercial,
rock climbing gym, swimming pool.
They're scooping up every single house in the neighborhood.
They make Angus an offer.
He says no.
They make Angus another offer.
He says no.
They keep making Angus offers.
He keeps saying no to every fucking offer, this guy.
It is the last fucking house.
It's all they need.
They're desperate.
They just came back with their final offer.
An offer so big, you'd have to be insane to say no to it.
Angus, is this true?
Hey, man.
I'm black Jesus.
100% facts, bro.
This is a fucking life-changing amount of money.
Chris, I'm broke as hell.
Any amount of money is a life-changing amount for me, bro.
Exactly, man.
You gotta talk some sense into him.
Wow.
Yeah, well, Angus...
Man, fuck those guys, man.
You did the right thing.
I'm glad you did it, bro.
The only thing we have left of dad is that house
and those memories.
I'm glad you turned them down.
Fuck 'em.
Yeah, fuck 'em!
Motherfuckers!
Fuck 'em?
Tim, you're broke.
Chris, there's some things in life
a little more important than money.
Angus, gets that.
You're right, Angus gets that, Chris.
You're being a pussy!
Fuck 'em! Right?!
Oh, man.
You know, that's why I didn't do it.
That's why I didn't do it, man.
But!
We can still do it, though.
It's... the offer's on the table.
Just throw that out there.
No, no, I stand by what you did.
You're right, stand by me.
Fuck 'em!
I don't know, man.
I'm just saying, I didn't know you were gonna be broke
when I made my decision,
but this is a life-changing amount of money, man.
No, we're on the same page here, bro.
There's so many memories in that house.
My journey started there.
It's come full circle.
Yeah, full circle, man.
Full circle.
But the house, man, the house is,
I'm gonna be real with you.
It's in bad shape, bro.
That's perfect.
What?
Listen, I just got back here from Thailand.
I got nothing to do.
I can move in with you,
and we can fix the house up together.
What do you say?
Together.
Yeah!
Yes.
Together.
...move in with you.
We're gonna be roommates, Chris.
Ha ha!
Together.
Yeah.
Oh, oh, oh, it's just...
[Laughs]
Oh, man.
Jesus, I dropped this.
Ah!
Mm, damn it!
Holy shit.
Holy shit, that was the craziest thing I've ever seen, man.
Your fucking hand, your fucking hand!
Oh my God.
Oh, you're gonna bleed everywhere, man.
You're gonna bleed out.
Dude, I got bandages.
I got bandages, man.
Let me see it, let me see it, let me see it,
let me see it, let me see it.
I'm fine.
What?
I'm fine.
Give me your fucking hand, I got a bandage.
Look, I'm fine! It's fine.
I lied, I faked it!
You think I'm a moron?
You think I'm actually cutting my hand?
We had to get the fuck out of there!
Give me the bandages.
You don't have to live with that lunatic.
Now I have to fix that busted-ass house with him.
You got like arteries and shit in your hand.
You could've died.
I faked it.
Memories.
Memories. Of what? Me fucking his wife?
It's a fucking shit show right now.
It's a shit show!
It's a bad idea, but...
You can kill him?
What?
What the fuck are you talking about?
I don't know, man, I'm not killing him.
I wouldn't kill anybody, that's stupid.
But, I mean, we could hire somebody.
Do we know somebody that kills people?
Do I know somebody that kills people?
Who do you think I am?
You don't know any assassins?
- No, I don't... -How do you not...
How do you not know any fucking assassins?
I don't know any fucking assassins, man.
I don't even know a fucking notary
that's down to play ball.
Maybe they don't have to play ball.
All we need is Tim's ID, right?
We get Tim's ID. We get somebody that looks like Tim.
The notary has no clue.
They just think it's a cooperative person
signing paperwork.
You got your grandma's friend, right?
The notary.
Mrs. Monroe.
Boom, she can notarize it,
and you know who looks like Tim?
Reggie fucking Rogers.
Yes!
Reggie fucking Rogers.
That guy looks just like Tim.
You think we can get him here tonight?
I'll try my best.
But what are we gonna do about Tim?
We gotta knock him out, again.
But this time, I don't want him waking up until tomorrow.
Mm-hmm.
You got any sleeping pills?
No.
Damnit.
But Jordan's got so much shit in his bag,
I'm sure he's got something.
Ooh!
Ooh, that looks the part.
Sleepy little bear, sleepy little bear.
Bear Creatinine.
This'll do the job.
Give me that.
Tequila!
Oh yes.
Tequila!
- Yo, this is a great fucking idea, man! - Tequila! Yes.
Man, this meal was amazing.
If Jordan weren't such a jerk, I'd feel bad for him.
Do you know?
Yeah, man.
To Jordan!
Yes, yes.
- To Jordan. -To Jordan.
Yes, to Jordan.
To Jordan!
Oh, to Jordan again.
One more time.
We going hard for Jordan!
Yeah!
Mm.
One more again!
To Jordan.
Okay, okay.
Hold on, you can get some of that.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Mm, man.
Woo!
To Jordan!
To Jordan again.
Let me get you some of that.
Yeah, yeah.
Heh heh heh.
All right.
Oh, shoot.
Yeah.
Hey, hey.
To that wild, cocaine sniffing, supplement selling motherfucker!
Ha ha!
God rest his soul, man!
Wait, wait, what?
Oh, nothing.
To Jordan!
To Jordan.
Ah!
Woo!
Daddy's home, bro.
Oh, man.
Look, I can't believe we gonna be roommates again.
Yeah, man.
To roommates!
- To roommates! -To roommates!
Yeah!
- Yeah! -Yeah!
Mm.
Woo, that was strong.
Oh, man.
Yeah, you know what, bro?
It's gonna be good hanging out with you again, man.
I missed you.
You're a good guy, man.
Thanks, man.
You're a good guy.
To good guys.
To good...
...guys.
Good guys.
[Thud]
Hey, yo, Chris!
We're a go!
[Chris] Ugh, my back!
Man, your brother weighs a fucking ton.
That is the last time I am bringing him up those stairs.
Yeah, but look how peaceful he looks, man.
This stuff is the shit.
You think I gave him too much?
Do I think you gave him too much?
Probably, man.
Exceeding the daily dose while not fatal
may result in a persistent vegetative state.
Great!
Oh.
Not fatal!
- Ha! Not fatal at all. - Oh, man! Dude, I'm not even kidding.
I was fucking worried, man.
Dude, I was...
Reggie fucking Rogers.
Yes!
Angus.
♪ Reggie fucking Rogers! ♪
Reggie fucking Rogers!
Yes!
♪ Reggie fucking Rogers. ♪
♪ Reggie fucking Rog... ♪
Who are you?
I'm Jeff.
Who the fuck are you?
Jeff, my man.
Chris, what's good, baby?
- How are you doing? -What'chu doing?
Slow motion, man.
Yeah, how's your week going?
Same old, same old.
If I call it, I'll spoil it, baby.
How you living?
Oh, dude, I'm... you know... living the dream.
I really appreciate you coming on such short notice.
You say jump, I say how high.
You know how we do.
Yo, my man.
That's for sure, baby.
Fuck, I missed you.
Yo, come on in, man.
That's for sure.
Make yourself at home, man.
Yo, can I get you anything?
Water, seltzer?
Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Jeff.
We'll just be a minute.
Just a minute, all right?
Just give us a minute.
What the fuck are you doing?
What happened to Reggie fucking Rogers?
Reggie fucking Rogers?
Yeah, what happened?
First of all, I haven't spoken to Reggie Rogers
in like 15 years, and guess what?
What?
He's fucking dead, man.
No.
Six feet under, man.
And I had to fucking talk to his mom
for over an hour reminiscing about the past we never had.
Do you know how fucking awkward that is?
She was bawling her eyes out.
I was crying.
It was a beautiful story about all this shit,
but it doesn't matter, man.
It was really upsetting.
I'm really upset, and I'm not in a good mood.
Reggie fucking Rogers is dead?
Well, who the fuck is he?
It's Jeff. He works for my bookie.
He's one of the guys that collects for him every month.
Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
You mean to tell me you're friends
with your bookie's henchman?
Well, first I became his friend
so he wouldn't break my legs.
But then as I got to know him,
he's a really awesome dude.
We hang out, we go to the movies, we go to the diner,
and the best part is I haven't had to pay his boss in years.
You get mani-pedis with this guy?
What the fuck are you talking about?
You suck his dick or something?
No, no, I don't fucking suck his dick.
Okay, not that guy.
Well, you always gotta go there, man?
You fucking sick fuck.
You go out on dates with the guy.
Well, honestly, honestly he's a better friend than you.
What's the point in having Tim's ID
if he doesn't even look like Tim?
He's what I had.
You told me to do my best.
Jeff's my best.
Your best stinks.
Nah, I think they look close enough.
He looks nothing like Tim, bro.
Mrs. Monroe's like a thousand years old.
Nobody... she's not gonna fucking notice, man.
Hey, yo, Jeff, my man.
What's good, yo?
How are you doing?
This is my boy Angus.
- Angus, -What's going on, Jeff?
Jeff
- Jeff, Angus. -Good man, good to meet you.
Well, Jeff, I don't know if Chris has filled you in,
but we need to know that you're down
for what's going down tonight.
Nah, he ain't told me shit.
Lay it on me, bro.
I need you to pretend to be my brother,
sign these papers in front of a notary.
So what's the papers?
I'm selling my dead dad's house.
My brother needs to be on board.
He is not.
That's where you come in.
We drugged him earlier.
He's unconscious upstairs.
We need somebody to pretend to be him if you're down.
Are y'all serious right now?
You know this is fucked up, right?
And like, illegal as a motherfucker too.
You bet your ass I'm down.
We doing a motherfucking con job.
- Fucking con! -Oh yeah, let's go, man.
That's what's up!
My man. Yo, yeah!
Did I tell you I played a tree
in the fifth grade "Wizard of Oz" yo?
I didn't leave the stage the whole motherfucking time.
Got a standing ovation and all that shit.
I been meaning to get back in the game.
Check this out.
I'm gonna audition for y'all.
To be or not to be?
That is the question, B.
- That was so great. -Hell yeah, man.
[Chris] Yo, dude, that was fucking great, man.
Yo, rock on.
Glad you're on board.
I do what I can do when I can do it.
[♪ Elegant 40's Jazz ♪ ]
[Cell phone ringtone]
Christopher, what a pleasant surprise!
How are you?
[Chris] Mrs. Monroe, hi, hi, hi.
Any chance are you free tonight to notarize something?
My friend's brother Tim is in from Thailand.
Thailand?
Oh, ho, ho! I went there with my Stephen.
Oh, it was wonderful.
So nice, so nice.
So yeah, Tim's only here for tonight.
Any chance we can do this tonight?
Oh, Christopher, say no more.
It would be my pleasure.
If you want, we can come to you.
Oh, no, no, no.
It is definitely my pleasure.
Would it be all right if I come by in about 30 minutes?
Absolutely, you are a lifesaver.
See you in a jiffy.
[Call ends]
Hell yeah, she's in.
Oh, that's great.
First things first, Tim has a full head of hair.
You have none.
Well, I'm not growing no hair tonight.
I got the thing.
I got a box full of costumes and wigs.
All right.
Fucking storage units, baby.
I'm telling you, man, comes in handy all the time.
[♪ 50's Rock n' Roll music ♪ ]
♪ It's the king in town ♪
You think he looks like Tim?
He looks better than Tim.
It's fucking cool, man.
I could wear this shit out, pick up chicks.
It's like Little Richard in the 40's or something.
I don't know.
I'm telling you.
Tim had like the Frederick Douglass.
I'm telling you, man, it looks great.
Mrs. Monroe's gonna see a man with hair.
She's gonna look at a license with a man with hair.
It's fine.
I mean, I got a clown wig.
You wanna put a clown wig on him?
No, I mean, this one...
You wanna see the rainbow?
No, I mean, but she's a white woman.
She's not gonna say...
"Oh, this black guy isn't like the..."
I don't know what to say to that, but...
You can't.
It looks great.
You're not supposed to.
It looks great.
I think this shit looks good.
It looks good, man.
It looks good.
All right.
All right, I'm gonna go clean the house,
get ready for Mrs. Monroe.
Why would you clean up this shit hole right now?
I'm gonna make the kitchen nice.
- The kitchen? -For our guest.
My house is not a mess.
It is a lucrative venture.
- I sell all this shit. -This?
Everything comes in, it goes out.
It goes in, it goes out.
I don't have many times I gotta tell you.
It's not a mess.
I'm cleaning it up.
Just...
Looks like a lot of shit came in and didn't leave.
All right, you have a little bit of time
before she gets here.
You're gonna be great, Tim.
My name's Jeff, dog.
No, your name is Tim.
No, my name is Jeff, dog.
No, you stupid fuck.
Your name is Tim.
You're pretending to be Tim. Not Jeff. Tim.
I'm not stupid.
Well, if you can't get this concept,
you're a stupid fuck,
and you're gonna fuck this up for all of us.
I'm not stupid, I get it.
If you get it, then who are you?
What's your name?
Tim, motherfucker.
My name is Tim.
Great.
Don't call me stupid again.
Okay, yeah, well, study this license, okay?
Get to studying.
Stupid ass.
Fuckin' asshole.
Call me fuckin' stupid.
Like, I don't know I'm fuckin' Tim.
Calling me stupid.
You the one who's stupid, motherfucker.
[♪ Sonata No. 3 in C Major, Op. 2, No. 3 by Ludwig van Beethoven ♪]
Mrs. Monroe, come on in.
I keep telling you, it's Rhonda.
You don't have to call me Mrs. Monroe.
You look fabulous.
Oh, Christopher, your house is a bit messy.
I don't think your grandmother would be so happy
if she saw her house in this condition.
Mrs. Monroe, you're too much.
This isn't a mess.
This is a lucrative business.
Oh, Mrs. Monroe, I would like you to meet Angus
and his brother, Tim.
Oh my goodness, I didn't even see you right there.
It is so nice to meet the both of you.
Tim, you live in Thailand.
What part?
Uh...
Uh, downtown.
Downtown?
Yeah, downtown Thailand.
Do you mean downtown Bangkok?
The fuck did you just say to me, you old bitch?
[Laughing]
Tim!
Ha ha ha ha!
He's so funny.
Tim does stand up in Thailand.
And over there, the language is clearly very vulgar.
The tourists love it.
But tonight, Tim, would you mind keeping it PG?
Let's keep it cool.
Oh, Mrs. Monroe, can I get you some water?
Let's get some water.
Mrs. Monroe.
Downtown Thailand, huh?
You're being stupid, man.
Don't fuck this up, Tim.
You stupid ass, man.
I swear, what the fuck?
Calling me fucking stupid.
I'll show you stupid.
I'll show you stupid, motherfucker.
Got it?
Got it.
So, Tim.
Not that I don't trust you or anything,
but do you have a driver's license?
Anything with a photo ID that I could take a look at?
Oh, absolutely.
There you go.
Thank you.
Hmm.
You know your driver's license is expired, right?
I had no idea.
No idea at all.
I'm going to look past this
since you've been out of the country.
But do you have anything more recent?
Like maybe the passport you used
to come back from Thailand.
His suitcase got lost at the airport.
My luggage, it was kidnapped.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Okay, well then, what's your birthday?
Oh, my birthday is August 7th.
Really?
It says March 12th.
He's thinking of our uncle's birthday.
She asked for your birthday, Tim.
That's right.
Yeah, not his uncle.
Yes, that's right.
Give me another one.
I'm Tim, for sure.
Okay.
What's your address?
Uh, sh...
Yeah, trick ques... Ask... Try something else.
Try something else.
- I'm Tim. -Mrs. Monroe.
- I'm definitely Tim. -He's very tired.
He's very jet lagged.
Give him another one.
I don't need to know the details.
It's probably better that I don't.
But I can't notarize this.
Why?
I don't know who this is.
He's not the man in this ID.
You are committing a felony right now.
And I am very disappointed in you.
And Ruthie would be disappointed in you too.
All right, look, Mrs. Monroe.
Look, if money's the issue, we can cut you in.
I'm going to pretend you didn't just
try to bribe me!
And Christopher, your grandmother
would be rolling over in her grave
if she knew what you were involved in
in something this illegal!
I think I'd better leave before you do...
You ain't going no fucking where, grandma.
Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.
What are you doing?
Put the gun down.
Nah, this old bitch think I'm fucking stupid!
Asking me my birthday and shit.
I know when my fucking birthday is.
You so smart?
Pop quiz, motherfucker.
Are you smarter than a bullet?
Jesus, Jeff, no, calm down.
Nah, I ain't fucking around with this old lady.
They tried to cut your ass in.
That wasn't good enough for you.
Well, you lost that opportunity.
You gonna find yourself cut the fuck up
if you don't notarize these goddamn papers.
Calling me stupid?
You're the one who's fucking stupid!
Jeff, nobody here has called you stupid.
Especially Mrs. Monroe would never do that.
I don't think you're stupid at all!
I would never say something so hurtful like that.
Just put the gun down!
Notarize the motherfucking papers
and I'll think about that shit.
I can't do that.
I'm not committing a crime no matter what you say to me!
Mrs. Monroe, please, let's just... if you could just sign this.
It's not that serious.
Jeff will put the gun down.
Oh, Christopher, I can't understand
how you could even think like this.
Your grandmother Ruthie would be...
[Gunshots]
Woo! Woo!
That's what the fuck I'm talking about!
Woo, oh shit!
What the fuck?!
- Shit! -I got the bloodlust, man.
I got a taste of it and I'm thirsty for more.
Jeff, okay, just breathe, chill.
Yo, that was somebody's grandma, bro.
Yes.
I did that, that was me.
I did that shit.
You, you, you.
I'm the man, baby.
You are the man that did that.
- I'm the man, I'm the man, baby. - You're the man who did that shit.
Who's the man?
Say I'm the man!
Ok!
That's me, baby.
- Oh yeah! Yeah! -Say it!
You're the man that did that!
Yo, I been dancing on the motherfucking line
my whole life, man.
I done finally crossed over.
This shit right here makes me evil, yo.
Oh, there's no more Jeff.
No, Jeff is gone.
Jeff is gone.
I'm Evil Jeff.
[Evil laughter]
Evil Jeff, baby.
Y'all gotta get rid of that body.
Probably.
How y'all gonna do that, man?
I don't know, man. I don't know, man. We...
Yeah.
So what are we doing now?
What do we do now?
- We did that shit. -Chris.
We did that shit.
Chris, Chris. Um.
Cleaning supplies.
We should get the cleaning supplies from upstairs
to help Jeff clean this.
- Chris, Chris. -♪ I am so ♪
♪ fucking fucked. ♪
[Angus] Chris.
♪ I need better friends. ♪
♪ Fuck ♪
- [Hits table] -Chris!
The cleaning supplies upstairs. We need to help Jeff clean, remember?
- The cleaning supplies. -Oh!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, the cleaning supplies.
Yes.
- Yes, to help Jeff clean this. - Yes, the cleaning supplies.
We need to get the cleaning supplies from my bedroom.
Yes, we have to go get the cleaning supplies
in the bedroom.
Yes, we have to get that.
Jeff, yep, we're gonna get the cleaning supplies from my bedroom
- Chris, come on. - And we're gonna clean this up.
Hey guys, you got anything to eat in this motherfucker?
Evil Jeff is hungry.
Yeah, the food's in my fridge.
Help yourself, Jeff!
Oh shit!
Oh God.
Oh shit.
Oh shit!
Mrs. Monroe.
Oh my God.
What the fuck was that, man?
What the fuck was that?
Mrs. fucking Monroe, she's fucking smoked.
Chris, just fucking bring it down.
Chill the fuck out.
What are we gonna do about this guy?
What are we gonna do?
You told me to bring him in.
I told you to bring in Reggie fucking Rogers.
Reggie fucking Rogers wouldn't have just smoked Mrs. Monroe
for no fucking reason with a gun.
That was the best I had, man.
That's what I had.
Okay.
Angus, we just gotta tell Jeff that he's all good
and he bounces.
Oh, he's just gonna bounce.
Sure!
You're right.
He's not gonna ever mention
that he killed this old bitch in the kitchen.
Are you serious?
This is the highlight of his life.
This is Evil Jeff!
We had regular Jeff and then bam! Evil Jeff!
We created a monster.
So what are we gonna do, man?
You wanna off him?
I can't do that.
I have too much blood on my hands, Angus.
This was supposed to be a nice night.
Some Richard's, a little drinky drink, and then that's it.
But no, the death, man, the death.
Mm-mm-mm-mm.
Okay, hold on.
How about this?
He killed Mrs. Monroe, right?
I didn't fucking kill her.
Did we see Mrs. Monroe?
Sure.
We did.
Did we kill Mrs. Monroe?
No, it was Jeff.
We put it all on Jeff.
He pulled the trigger.
He killed her.
We just put it all on him.
All we gotta do is get our story straight, okay?
It's us versus him.
And if I had to put my money out there, I'd put it on us.
Fuck!
All right.
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Chris!
[Sad piano music]
Hey Jeff.
How's it going?
This shit is good, man.
So what's up?
How y'all doing?
Not bad, not bad.
Good, yeah.
Hanging in there.
So, we may have a way out of this shit.
I have no doubt in your confidence, bro.
You know Times Square, right?
In New York?
Yeah, drop the body there.
That shit full of people like 24-7, bro.
And it's eight fucking hours away.
Yeah, exactly, Jeff.
It's perfect.
It's the last place anyone would expect.
No doubt.
Y'all still standing there watching me fucking eat, bro.
Clean up!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Jeff!
Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff!
Got 'em!
Yeah, you fucking dudes.
I ain't gonna shoot you, man.
Jeff, you're giving me some heartburn.
Clean the fuck up, though.
[♪ Sad music ♪]
Can I get some of that spray, man?
Dude, don't get... don't get blood on the spray bottle.
Just give me the fucking spray bottle.
Don't get blood on the spray bottle.
Don't get blood on the spray...
There's blood everywhere, man.
Put your hand in the fucking bucket.
Don't put blood in the...
Look how much cleaner your shit is than mine,
it's because I don't have the fucking spray.
- Here, look. There you go. -Thank you.
Was that fucking so hard?
Yeah, it was.
Oh man.
[Cell phone ringtone]
Oh shit.
Yo, who's Rachel?
Oh shit, that's Mrs. Monroe's granddaughter.
I should answer it, right?
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. - No, not at all. Don't do that.
You should not answer that.
It's ringing though, you sure?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're sure. -Don't.
Like sure, sure, because it's still ringing, dog.
No, no, we're so sure.
- Do not answer that, Jeff. -100%.
My name is Tim, man.
This is Tim speaking.
Stup...
Tim? I don't know any Tims.
Um? Where's my grandma?
She's dead.
What?
Dead asleep.
She's in the back taking a nap.
You know how old people be.
Right.
Can you go wake her up for me?
Nah.
What?
I said no, bitch, are you deaf?
Fuck, she's taking a nap.
It's rude as hell to wake somebody up
when they're taking a nap.
Okay, I don't like this, this is very suspicious.
Is my grandmother okay?
You're the one who's being very suspicious, Rachel.
If that's even your real fucking name,
what's your involvement in all of this?
What, what, my involvement in what?
What are you talking about?
Sounds like something somebody with something
to hide would say.
If you know what's good for you,
you'll forget you even spoke to me tonight, motherfucker.
Yo, that shit was close.
God damn.
Yeah, yeah, that was really close.
You fellas are doing a hell of a job over there.
Keep that up.
[♪ Humming Twinkle Twinkle Little Star ♪]
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, man.
That was a banger in kindergarten, you know.
Favorite song.
So...
So the body in the trunk, right?
She sleeps with the fishies.
The fishies, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Yeah.
The gun?
You don't need to worry about that.
I mean, it's a gun, you know.
It's cool, great.
Smart, thank you.
[Humming Twinkle Twinkle Little Star]
Chris, Chris, what's taking so long?
- I'm coming. -Come on, man.
Hey, here you go, man.
Cut the crust off, right?
Of course, man.
Peanut butter on there?
Yeah, it's a peanut butter sandwich.
Jelly.
Strawberry jam.
It's on whole wheat, right?
Multigrain. It's the same thing.
I promise, multigrain is very healthy.
Very good for the digeftive syftem...
da, da, da, da, da I can't...
It's good, I promise.
All right, then.
All right.
I guess I'm ready to roll.
[Doorbell rings]
You're expecting somebody?
No.
In pursuit of suspect...
[♪ 'Summer' Presto (Concerto No. 2, Mvt. 3) by Vivaldi ♪]
Shit, it's the fucking police.
She must have heard the gunshots.
Or fucking... her granddaughter must have called.
- Damnit! -What the fuck are we gonna do?
Don't answer it.
Don't... don't answer it?
Don't answer it.
What do you mean don't answer it?
What the fuck?
Jeff, go in the kitchen.
Why?
Take your dumb ass in the kitchen.
Look, whoa, whoa, hey.
Uh, ha ha!
You are a smart man.
Go ahead, you smart man.
You.
Dumbass?
Like you're so stupid.
You call him stupid?
You shouldn't have, I shouldn't even be saying stupid.
You want us all to get smoked?
Oh, no, let's
- break it all the way down. - [Doorbell rings]
Motherfucker don't even look like Tim!
I will f... I will choke you.
I will fucking...
Dumbass.
- Dumbass! -Dumbass!
Hey!
Officer!
Officer.
How are you?
I'm good, look, I'm sorry to bother you,
but we got a report of shots fired in the neighborhood.
I was wondering if you guys heard anything out the ordinary.
Shots fired?
Yeah, shots fired.
Like fireworks?
- They're giving out the vaccine? Oh. - No, actual gunshots.
Gunshots?
Around here?
Right here?
You're playing.
No I'm serious, that's why I'm here.
That's crazy.
This is a white neighborhood.
Really, gunshots?
You guys hear anything?
No, no.
We didn't hear anything.
Nothing?
Because they said it came from this area.
Shots came from this area?
Shots came from this area.
You guys didn't hear anything?
- No, I didn't hear anything. -This area?
I didn't hear nothing.
No.
Nothing.
No, no, no.
Hmm.
Okay, all right, well, so how you doing?
Oh...
- Good. -Just getting by.
Getting by. Relaxing.
It was good to see you.
Yeah, I'm tired.
Officer...
...of the law.
I don't believe we've had the pleasure.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm Tim, brother of Angus, groomsman of Chris,
traveler of the world, resident of Thailand, downtown Bangkok.
Hi Tim.
I'm Officer Mitchell and I was just here
asking a few questions.
Yeah, she was just leaving.
Questions? Hmm.
I'm the man with answers.
Right this way.
She got the...
Come on in.
You got answers, you... no more answers.
- Go! -This is your boy!
- Go! Go! -This is your boy!
- What the fuck!? -This is your fucking...
My birthday is March 12th.
I reside at 412 Winspeare Lane in Sheffieldsville, Pennsylvania.
1-7-6-4-7.
Officer, I apologize.
We've had a long, rough night.
It's obvious my brother's had a couple of drinks in him.
He's not in proper headspace to deal with any of this, okay?
No, I understand.
I just have a few questions.
I believe that I've answered all of your questions.
I haven't asked you any questions.
So Tim...
That's me.
What time did you get here today?
Oh, I've been here all day.
Really?
Absolutely.
You've been here all day?
100%.
So you were here when the friend was
projectile-vomiting and died?
You were here?
I most certainly was, Officer,
reconnecting with my brother, Angus,
and my best friend, Chris.
Ha!
May I interject, Officer?
If I may.
He clearly doesn't know what he's talking about,
because if he was here, you would have seen him.
Word.
But I was here.
Stupid.
Okay.
Do you guys know Rhonda Monroe?
Yeah.
She used to play canasta with my grandma.
Well, she told her granddaughter
that she was coming over here to notarize some papers
and she didn't come back,
so her granddaughter's afraid she might have been
a victim of a crime.
What?
- A crime? -A crime?
That's absurd.
No.
She was here for like an hour or so.
- Yeah. - But that was about it, I hope she's okay.
Well, that's what I'm trying to find out.
So tell me, what time did she get here
and what time did she leave?
Like I said, she got here,
she was here for like an hour,
and then she left like 15 minutes or so afterwards.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, like max. So she was out.
Well, she didn't make it home.
Wow, I...
Um, that's crazy.
Oh, she said she was going,
I think she was going somewhere else.
Going for a walk.
Yeah.
Yep.
Something about getting fresh air.
- Fresh air. -Yeah, fresh air.
Strengthen the kneecaps.
Something with the limbs and stretching.
- The meniscus, you know, old folks. - Yeah, misc...
Yeah, the what he said.
The meniscus, yeah.
Yeah, that thing.
Okay, I mean, she could have went somewhere else,
but see, the problem is,
she told her granddaughter she was coming here
and she was coming right back.
And so when she didn't make it back,
her granddaughter got worried and called her,
and a guy named Tim picked up the phone and threatened her.
And you're Tim, and I'm in a place right now
where I know that she was.
You know what? It could be a coincidence.
It could be another Tim.
That is most certainly the case.
There are quite a few Tims in the world.
Tons of Tims.
Tim Allen.
Timbaland.
Timberlands.
You got the Tims.
The beats and the shoes.
Mm-hmm.
It could be anybody.
What is that smell?
You're smelling the bleach.
- No -It's the bleach.
It's the bleach.
- It's the bleach. -It's the bleach.
I hate the smell of bleach.
Bleach.
- It really burns the nostrils. - We used it with the vomit.
No, it doesn't smell like that.
It smells like gunpowder.
Excuse me?
What?
- Gunpowder. -Gunpowder.
Why don't you guys just have a seat?
Okay? I got some folks coming
so we can talk this out, hash it out,
and find out what went on here today.
Got some folks.
Folks?
Yeah, are we under arrest or something?
Not at this moment, but you are being detained.
But you guys, look, have a seat.
I got backup coming so we can...
- Whoa! -Whoa!
We ain't detaining a motherfucking thing, bitch.
Put the weapon down now.
Drop the gun.
I'll drop bullets in your motherfucking head.
Jeff, do not do that.
Do not please...
Jeff is gone.
I'm Evil Jeff now.
- Drop the gun! - You think we playing? -Not again!
- Motherf... -Drop your gun right now.
- Shoot this motherfucker! - Put the gun down.
- You got three seconds. -Evil Jeff.
- Put the gun down. Do not shoot! Do not shoot! - You got three seconds to drop your gun.
- One! -Put the gun down!
- Shoot this mother...
- Two! -Do not shoot him!
- Three! -Shoot this motherfucker!
[Gunshots]
Oh shit!
[Gunshots]
Fuck!
What the fuck?
Holy shit.
You okay?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm cool.
You good?
No, I'm not fucking good.
That was fucking crazy!
Officer?
[Bloody cough]
Jeff!
You're alive.
Rosebud.
Rosebud?
What the fuck is Rosebud?
So what are we gonna do now?
I don't know, we're gonna go to jail
for the next 20 years-to-life?
I don't know, man, we're fucking dead.
Nobody's dead.
Officer Mitchell's dead, Jeff's dead,
Mrs. Monroe's dead.
Well, other than them.
Jordan's dead.
Yeah.
And Reggie fucking Rogers is dead.
That didn't happen tonight.
It felt like it happened tonight.
I found out about it tonight. It's very new.
He might as well have died tonight.
You're overthinking this, man.
We were gonna pin this on Jeff anyway.
Yeah, we're gonna pin Mrs. Monroe on Jeff.
And we can pin the rest of this on Jeff.
We have Mrs. Monroe's stamp, we can notarize it.
We're out the woods, bro. We won!
We did not win.
Is the AC on, are you cold?
Am I cold?
Yeah, I'm freezing, man.
Cold.
Holy shit.
Dude, what the fuck?
Oh my God, dude, you got fucking shot.
Yeah, I...
Bro, what should I do?
Should I call... Shit, I don't have my phone.
You got a phone? I'll call an ambulance.
Yo, Angus.
Angus.
Yo, bro, don't fucking die.
Come on, man, you can't fucking die!
Angus! Angus! Angus, man! Angus!
Angus, come on, man!
[Gunshots]
Woo! Yo, you just got fucking smoked, kid.
- Let's fucking get this! - [Gamer kid] That was your first kill!
Yo, shut the fuck up, I don't care that you're five.
You're a little bitch.
- [Gamer kid] I'm eight, you fuckin' bitch. - You just got fucking, okay, you're eight.
Big fucking whoop, you still suck.
Let's fucking go, let's go.
Chris, I'm leaving!
Wait, wait, two seconds, baby.
I'm about to fuck this kid up.
[Videogame] You're on fire!
Chris, I'm leaving.
Baby, wait, two seconds.
[Gamer kid] Say "goodnight," you little bitch
Fuck!
[Videogame] You're dead.
You just killed me, baby, goddamn.
I'm fucking playing the game, you can't... Whoo hoo hoo, hot damn!
It's gotta be against the law to look this damn good.
What'chu doing?
I'm just going to Wendy's.
Oh shit, you're going to Wendy's?
Yo, can you pick me up 20 nuggets,
half of them spicy, half of them regular,
Biggie fries, Baconator, no cheese,
extra barbecue sauce, honey mustard.
No, I know you're gonna get a Frosty.
You love vanilla.
I'm going to Wendy my friend, not the restaurant.
No, why?
Yo, fuck yo, Wendy sucks, yo.
We don't want any of that shit, come here.
[Fancy doorbell rings]
Are we expecting somebody?
No, I don't know what that is.
[Fancy doorbell rings]
Oh, I think I better get that.
I think you better shut the fuck up.
Yo, leave! Leave! I don't know who it is.
We don't care, we don't care.
Fuck!
[Fancy doorbell rings]
Hi, hello, oh! Can I help you?
Uh, yes, can I uh... Is Chris home?
Yeah, he's upstairs.
Can I help you with something?
Oh, I'm Tim.
You're Tim!
Tim from Thailand!
Oh my God, it's so nice to meet you.
Come, come, come, come on in.
How are you?
- I'm well, thank you. -Yeah?
Chris, you have a visitor!
Chris!
[Clears throat]
May I trouble you for a glass of water?
Yes, come, come, come, right this way.
You like cheese?
Yeah, whatever, you know,
this is a really nice house.
Oh, you like it.
It's a unique blend of postmodernism architecture.
Okay, cool, cool, cool.
How uh... How do you guys afford all this?
Apparently, Chris's ventures in storage units
really paid off.
Who'd have imagined? He had so much shit
in his grandmother's house, Tim. So much shit.
But look at us now.
And next week we are going to Paris.
Well, I'm very happy that you're doing so well.
And by the way, I'm so sorry I missed the wedding.
What wedding?
Oh, I guess that didn't happen.
Well, listen, Chris has said so many great things
about you, Chloe.
Chloe?
Hmm?
Chloe?
I knew it! That fucking son of a bitch.
[Curses in French]
I'm not Chloe!
I'm Ambre! Ambre.
[Curses in French]
I'm gonna fucking kill him.
Hey, yo, sexy girl, what'chu doing?
I'm trying to fuck!
Oh, shit!
Tim, what'chu doing?
I heard you were getting some serious Zs.
I was in a coma.
Yeah, talk about hitting the snooze button, am I right?
You're an asshole!
Oh, shit, yeah, that was a terrible joke.
Hey, you want some cheese?
Chloe?
Cheese, cheese.
No, no, no, Chris, who is Chloe?
Your fiancé?
Chloe, my fiancé!
You know Chloe. That was ages ago, man, ages.
When was that?
Ugh, of course.
What do you mean, of course?
Of course, of course!
It's very complicated.
Oh, well, you know what's not complicated?
I'm leaving.
I'm going to Wendy's and when I get back,
you better not be here or I'll fucking destroy you, you...
[Cursing in French]
Hey, listen, let's not do this on an empty stomach.
If you're going to Wendy's,
you wanna bring me something back, we could talk through it.
Tim, you probably haven't had Wendy's in a minute, am I right?
Wendy, my friend!
Ah.
I keep doing that.
Fuck you, Chris.
So that's Ambre. She's French, and um...
Look, whatever, where is Angus?
Yeah, let me get him.
Yeah.
[Chris] Oh shit.
This mother...
Here he is. Kept him safe for you.
Shit.
Yeah.
Dude, they said he went out like a hero.
Said when the crazy guy started shooting people,
he jumped in front of you and saved your life.
Mhmm.
Man, I had him all... all wrong.
But I'm glad we finally made our peace,
and I can remember him as the brother he always was.
You know, one day, when I have a family,
I'll name my first born after him.
I think that's really nice.
Yeah, yeah.
But listen, Chris, I don't mean to bring up
the elephant in the room, but what's going on
with the money from the developer
that you got for my father's house?
I really didn't think you were gonna wake up.
Chris, you know you're fucked, right?
I mean, seriously, you're fucked. Ramcocked.
You misrepresented yourself as myself and Angus.
You used a notary stamp from a dead person. Who does that?
And you sold a house that's not yours!
If you don't give me what's mine,
I'm gonna go through the channels and I will fuck you up!
Just give me my money!
Yeah, I hear you, I hear you, I hear you.
But you gotta do what you gotta do.
All right, all right, Chris.
All right, man, whatever.
Hey, Tim.
You wanna get Richard's?
One last time?
On me?
Fuck you, Chris!
Oh, fuck!
[Cell phone vibrates]
LeVar speaking.
Angus, Angus, it's Chris!
Angus?
I think you have the wrong number.
LeVar, LeVar, LeVar, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Please, please don't hang up.
Chris, what'chu doing?!
How you been, bro? It's been a minute.
I'm good, I'm good, how are you?
I'm good.
I'm noticing you're calling me on the "bat phone".
The uh... break glass in case of an emergency phone.
Yeah, it's because I'm not good.
In French, they would say I'm fucked up the ass!
Your fucking brother is awake!
He just came to my front door!
Chris, I don't have a brother, I'm LeVar.
I've only existed for two months,
and I'm cash rich as fuck!
Do you know how far a dollar goes in Panamá?
Do you?
I bought a suckling pig for a nickel!
A nickel!
Well I don't even have a nickel, Angus.
LeVar!
LeVar! LeVar, I do not have a nickel.
I am fucking broke as fuck.
I don't think you understand how bad my situation is.
They're evicting me from my fucking house.
Well, I told you I'd spend half the money
on that dumbass house.
I have debt collectors coming after me left and right.
And I told you not to spent the other half on that Ferrari
and that commissioned painting of yourself.
Ambre thinks I'm cheating on her with Chloe
who doesn't even exist!
I told you not to do that also.
You should've just said you were marrying Amber
in the first place.
And then to top it off...
your brother, who you swore to me
wasn't gonna wake up...
Hold up.
I did not swear he wasn't gonna wake up.
Why do you think I faked my death
and high-tailed it to a Caribbean island
off the coast of Panamá?
Well, you sure made it sound
like he wasn't gonna wake up.
You smell your fucking succulent pig?
Yeah, does it smell delicious?
You know what I smell here?
You hear that?
I'm sniffing my skin.
I'm sniffing my skin, fucking burning!
You fucked me!
You fucked me real good, LeVar!
Oh, and you know what?
Once he finds out those ashes are fake,
I'm gonna be the one sitting in that little jar
and he's gonna come for you.
Dude, nobody's coming for me.
And I can't even pronounce what the name of this island is.
You can't even take a road to get here.
I'm gone, baby!
Well, I'm not gone.
I'm stuck right here.
You gotta get me out of here.
You gotta extract me.
You gotta fucking bring me to the island.
Send the chopper, send the airplane,
send the Coast Guard, send everyone.
I can't.
What do you mean you can't?
Cause I'm broke also, man.
You just told me you're cash rich as fuck.
Maybe here, but everywhere else, I'm a poor man.
I got a couple hundred.
That's it.
After that, I'm cooked.
I have a drink on the table.
That may be my last drink... for a while.
Oh, fuck me.
Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
My battery is gonna die.
I'm gonna call you back, all right?
Hurry, man.
Please hurry.
[Gun shot]
♪ What the fuck just happened? ♪
♪ Did I just get shot in the head? ♪
♪ Yep, I can't move. ♪
♪ I guess I'm dead. ♪
♪ Who would want to kill me? ♪
♪ I'm such a nice guy. ♪
♪ Was it Tim because I stole all of his money ♪
♪ and ruined his life? ♪
♪ Was it Angus who called in the hit? ♪
♪ Even though he was my best friend ♪
♪ he's a piece of shit. ♪
♪ Who would want to kill me? ♪
♪ Was it Evil Jeff's unholy ghost? ♪
♪ Who would want to kill me? ♪
♪ Was it Mrs. Monroe's granddaughter? ♪
♪ Was it that goat semen pill, motherfucker? ♪
♪ Who could possibly want to kill me? ♪
♪ Was it my French girlfriend I'm cheating on? ♪
[♪ Badass drum fill ♪]
♪ Who could possibly want to kill a great person like me? ♪
♪ There's really a lot of people who might want me dead. ♪
♪ I'll see you in Hell. ♪
♪ Cause I'm dead. ♪
♪ I guess I got what I deserved. ♪
♪ Fuck, I'm dead. ♪
♪ Fuck, I died. ♪
[Gangsta rap song]
[Soft piano music]