AMAZON RAINFOREST, BRAZIL
We've gone as far as we can go by road.
We need a boat.
Should only take a few days.
We shouldn't be here.
The jungle doesn't want us here.
There is...
We have to do this.
What's waiting for us will change our lives.
Yeah? Okay.
Fine.
I'll go alone.
Ana! Ana!
Don't do this!
It's her.
Yeah.
Get to the boat!
Come on! Let's go!
Take my hand!
ANACONDA
We start tight on a full moon.
Milky. Almost yellow.
We crane down to reveal an idyllic, suburban,
street.
We float past a series of white picket fences
until we settle on a sewer grate.
POW! Flies open.
Something big and scaly slithers out.
Fast. Hungry. Definitely not human.
As a pulsating score kicks in.
We're on the back of the beast.
As it slithers menacingly towards a little blue house.
Wait. I'm sorry.
This is our wedding video you're talking about.
Yes, though I actually don't think of them as videos.
They're more like short films.
Yeah, because I'm not sure this is quite what we had in mind.
Okay, I know. It's a little different than normal, but...
I really liked the one you did for Karen and Bart.
Oh, when they walk by the river and jump up and hop.
That jump was dope.
And I loved that song they used.
I don't want to wait for our lives to be over.
I want to know right now how does it feel.
Um, guys? Uh, here's the thing. I really like you guys.
And you said you were horror fans and I'm like, I love horror so much.
And I thought this could be special. You know what I mean?
This is a film you're going to watch for the rest of your lives.
But this isn't a film, Doug. This is a wedding video.
And we want one where they do a little jump.
Now, can you do that for us or not?
Hey!
Do you mind if I'm doing warm-ups? Is it okay?
Yeah, I've seen much crazier.
Okay, good.
Does it sound better to say my line?
His vision is blurry.
Which couldn't suggest.
Or his vision is blurry.
Which couldn't suggest.
Or I could, you know what, I can even do like an accent.
I can do just...
Oh, I think you just should do it the way you auditioned it, honey.
Yeah.
It's been a while since I've booked anything and I just wanted to go well.
Yeah.
I just, it's hard out there.
Sorry. Doctor number three, we're ready for you.
Okay, knock him down.
Okay, thanks. Thank you, Donna.
Hey, by the way, if you ever need anything from Lowe's, I will hook you up with my employee discount.
Yeah, no question asked.
Okay.
Nice.
10 more cc's of tramadol?
Any idea what I'm looking at here?
He said his vision was blurry, so you know that could suggest...
Optic neuritis.
Already ruled that out.
Cut.
Hey, buddy.
Not sure what that accent is.
Just do it normally, okay?
We're gonna go again right away.
He said his vision was blurry,
which could suggest... Cut! Say the line faster,
okay?
Faster this time.
He said his vision was blurry,
which could suggest... Cut!
Jesus, I think we gotta fire this guy.
Can we get somebody else in here?
Jog.
I just ran into your mom at the supermarket.
She said you booked a big gig today.
I'm proud of you, bud.
♪♪ I love you.
Come visit, man.
Oh, Jesus, Jerry.
What is this thing?
Is that some kind of sewer monster?
Oh, boy.
Doug.
Look, I get that this is not what you dreamed about
when you were a kid.
But dreams, they go.
Now I'll be retiring soon,
and, Doug, it is only a matter of time before all this is yours.
Really? Yeah.
Look around. Take it all in.
And imagine.
If you do it right, it's a pretty sweet setup we got here.
I know.
This is a B and maybe even a B-plus life we're talking about.
Are you sure you don't want to do anything for your birthday?
You used to make me celebrate your half-birthdays.
Let's go get a beer.
Something.
Maybe we just watch that new mountain climbing, Doug.
About the lady that falls to her own death?
Yeah.
Fine, we can do one
about the free diver in the Maldives.
Cool.
Who drowns?
Jesus Christ, Doug.
I don't know.
Let's just take a gummy and go to Bitteroo.
Oh,
my God, Bailey, no.
Oh, yes, yes, you love a good big birthday party.
Dad, you should have seen your face.
Did you know about this?
There's no idea.
Buddy, take my coat, please.
Thank you.
Hey, how are you?
Happy birthday! Jesus, get in my back! I'm sorry.
No, that's not the actual lotion.
The actual basket.
That puts the lotion in the basket?
Eat big, buddy.
That is sick.
Yeah, no, that is actually sick.
Oh.
Oh!
Happy birthday, Dougie.
Thank you for making my trent clear.
You know I love buffalo this time of year.
The slush, the hypothermia.
What's up?
No trent?
No trent.
Ever again, in fact.
He started banging his dental hygienist.
Anyway, tonight is all about you, baby.
It's about me?
It's about you.
Oh! Oh!
You gave it! Here you are!
Oh, my God.
Oh, it's been too long, pal.
It's so good to see you.
It has been way too long.
- Happy birthday. - Thank you for coming out here.
I'm going to miss this.
Never. We've got a lot of catching up to do.
Many years ago, a group of young,
passionate artists had a vision.
It was a vision that's not particularly original or even good.
But it was theirs.
And so they made that vision a reality.
And without further ado, I present to you
a completely unrestored print
of 13-year-old Doug McAllister's masterpiece,
The Quatch.
What?! I thought we lost all the copies of that! Nope.
I found it in my mom's garage.
It was stuck in the player.
Are we sure this is okay for the kids to watch?
I don't give a shit.
Mrs. Brown had us bleep all the swears
so we could show it at the school assembly.
You know, it didn't make much sense...
because we were very clear about it being R-rated.
Happy birthday, pal.
This isn't happening.
Oh, it's happening.
Here we go.
Ha, ha, ha...
Oh, I'm gonna kill you.
Ha, ha, ha...
I haven't changed a bit.
Ha, ha, ha, ha... Holy mother bleep!
Oh!
That's not on the trail!
Look out for the Quatch!
Before you bleep strike me,
I need a bleep cast of those bleeping days.
Gossiping bleeping violence or you all bleeping fucked.
We've been watching a lot of Scorsese.
Didn't quite have the ear for it, did we?
I need to tell you something.
What is it?
That I love you.
I've always loved you.
And I always bleep well.
I bleep love you, too.
Now kiss me, woman.
So much charisma.
Already you had it.
I still can't believe I let Doug Toggy be doing that.
Toggy, it was your idea.
- Ha, ha, ha, ha... -Yeah It's coming for us.
We're trapped.
What the hell are we gonna do?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Oh, my God.
We're all gonna die!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
This is where it gets real.
Not on my watch, mister.
Oh, yeah!
Yeah!
Woo!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Oh, my God.
Woo!
That's probably the best birthday gift I've ever received.
I didn't even know it existed.
Well, I'm giving it to you.
It's less than TV, because you can't get it out.
Oh. OK
It was right after.
Right after your year of college.
Yeah, that's when Anaconda came out.
Remember, we saw it like 30 times.
Put it right there alongside the classics.
Totally. How about that cast?
Come on, J-Lo, Ice Cube.
Mm.
I mean, it's a murderer's row.
Plus, that snake was like a metaphor
for our lives at that moment.
Like, life is coming at you,
hunting you, forcing you, like, off your...
like your parents'
health insurance and stuff.
No, it's true.
Yeah, that's true.
It was like that.
That's right.
How about that accent by John Boyd?
How about that as a choice?
They wrap around you, and you get the privilege
of hearing your bones break.
Before the power of the police
forces your veins to explode!
Ha, ha, ha.
Oh.
I have the rights to Anaconda.
What?
I have the rights to Anaconda.
Yeah. Apparently, the movie was based on a novel by some
dead Japanese guy.
And my agent introduced me to his widow.
Unbelievably, she was such a fan of the four episodes...
that I did on SWAT.
Who is?
And she gave me the rights.
Oh, so what are you going to do with them?
Uh, well, not me.
Us.
We're going to reboot the thing.
Indie style.
Three weeks.
Run and gun.
In the Amazon.
Skeletal crew.
Claire, you and I can star.
Kenny, you shoot it.
Doug, you direct.
Huh?
Come on.
What do you say?
I mean, it's a wonderful idea in theory.
I'm in.
I can get time off from work.
Yes, you can, Kenny.
Sweet.
Kenny, what are you talking about? You're in.
He's not.
No, he's not in.
He says, like, one thing, and you're in already.
You're going to the Amazon.
He's not in.
What do you say, Claire?
I, I just,
I don't know if I'm in the right headspace right now.
Yes, of course you are. With the divorce.
Of course you're not in the right headspace.
That's the best headspace.
Are you kidding me?
Come on.
It's like he'd pray love and shit.
Come on.
You know what?
I'm in.
What? - Yes. Really?
Sweet.
I mean, my life is totally shit anyway, so.
God, I'm so happy to hear that.
I mean, not that your life is shit, but that you're in.
Besides, as soon as Doug says yes,
we'll probably need you to finance this whole thing.
What?
Doug?
Griff.
Griff, I'm sorry.
I've got responsibilities.
I've got Maylee and Charlie.
My job.
I know.
Making, uh, wedding films.
Films.
Right. It's a good life, you know.
It's a B, B plus life.
B, B plus life?
It's a good life.
Do you remember when we were kids and we would stay up until four in the morning,
hanging out in your mom's basement, watching horror movies?
Scaring the shit out of ourselves.
Texas Chainsaw on, like, repeat.
Now we have the chance to make one ourselves.
Dude, that's what we dreamed about ever since we were little kids.
I hear you.
But we're not kids anymore, Griff.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Yeah, I...
I just... I get it.
I do.
I get it.
Still watching the Quatch?
Charlie, why don't you go check on those cookies?
Okay, but I'm pausing it, so...
Don't touch it.
Gonna need some ice cold milch with that.
You got it.
What are you doing?
What?
Just go make the movie.
Maile!
Come on.
Every time you watch this thing, you light up.
Like, I haven't seen you light up in a long time.
So what?
I'm supposed to chase some Hollywood fantasy I had as a kid?
Waste a bunch of money and time, and for what?
In the end, what's it gonna change?
Okay.
We hope you come to celebrate... As we become...
The Hansons!
Holy shit.
For our lives to be over
I want you right now Believe me
I don't wanna wait For our lives to be over
Why am I singing?
Hello?
I don't wanna wait, man.
Our lives could be like...
Over.
What are you talking about?
The Anaconda thing?
You were serious, right?
Yes, very.
Then let's do it.
Let's reboot Anaconda.
Yes!
Yes.
Anaconda!
Alright, budget-wise.
Soup to nuts.
What does it cost to get this thing made?
I figure we need three weeks of shooting.
Some VFX.
Some SFX.
A riverboat.
Rural captain.
Travel to and from a jungle.
And a gigantic real snake.
Preferably a rental.
Rental.
Copy.
All in.
Two, two and a half million dollars.
That sounds right.
We've approved a loan for you for up to...
$9,400.
Yes!
I've revised the budget down to... $43,000 all in.
That sounds more right.
Now the film does have to be scary, right?
Terrifying.
But it can't just be about a giant snake killing people.
Exactly.
It has to be about something, right?
Right.
I mean... Thieves.
Come on.
Like grief.
What about revenge?
In terms of themes,
that's like one of the top ones.
Oh my God, I got a good one.
Hit me.
Intergenerational trauma.
I love intergenerational trauma.
Who doesn't love intergenerational trauma?
It's the best.
We're on to something.
This is a masterpiece.
You're a goddamn genius.
I love it.
Don't change a word.
Not a word.
You killed it.
It's scary, it's emotional, and it's funny when it needs to be.
Dude, thank you.
Hey, Doug?
I know that we had our little dust-up.
But... But...
I needed to shoot this film, man.
Dust-up?
Yeah.
It fired me from the wedding video stuff.
Because I got a little... Wasted.
Knocked over the wedding cake.
I'm dealing with it.
Like, getting sober?
Yes.
Well, I mean... Buffalo sober.
Buffalo sober?
Mm-hmm.
Beer and wine.
And then some of the lighter liquors.
But definitely not all of them.
I'm proud of you.
Doug?
If I'm being honest, I enabled you a little bit.
Of course you get a second chance.
Let's do this.
Nice.
Thank you, man.
The car's here.
And you have the meth open, right?
You only take that once a week.
Hey, Dad.
I almost forgot.
Talk to me.
I got you... This.
What?
I know, pretty sick.
World's greatest... Doug.
I thought it should say Dad.
Whatever, man, it's funny.
I love it.
It's much better.
Good.
Fuck!
So it begins.
Yeah!
All right! We made it!
Woo-hoo! We're here! That's what I'm talking about!
Brasilia!
So, hey,
I was reading about anacondas on the plane.
Basically, they wait in the water for days,
stalking their prey, never moving, just waiting.
And then when a prey comes, snatch and grab it.
A thousand pounds of pressure.
You think you're gonna get away? You're not.
Crushing you.
Oxygen leaving your lungs.
Oh, God, it's terrible.
So like in a movie, anaconda.
Yeah, exactly.
So it's real.
Yeah, it's all real.
Very real.
There's this story about this woman.
God bless her.
The snake wraps around her so tight,
the eyeballs just... Yeah.
No way! Yeah, it was my grandmother, Silvana.
Shit.
Horrible grandmother.
But still sad.
Huh.
I'm sorry, who are you?
Oh, I'm sorry, parent of Santiago.
Yeah, you can call me Santiago.
Oh, hey! Hey, it's Kenny! Yeah, Kenny from the phone.
Kenny, yeah.
Hey, hi.
Yeah, this is our snake handler.
Oh!
Thank God.
You're supposed to be the best.
No.
Supposed to be. We have a joker here.
No, I'm the best.
Yes.
Huh, that's good.
So, welcome to Brazil.
Let's meet the snake.
When I found him, he was dying of starvation.
I'm sorry.
His food supply destroyed by gold miners
who put mercury in the river.
Gold miners? Gold mining poisons our land.
Their greed almost killed my snake.
But I fed him.
I nursed him back to life.
And in many ways, he did the same for me.
Nice.
Tale as old as time, saved by a snake.
What's her name?
Uh, Griff.
Okay, Griff.
It's not only his name.
It's my tiny giant, my friend.
One of the most important creatures
of the herpetological world.
No, of course, I... Sure.
I didn't... I wasn't trying to... I... yes.
Okay.
Let me introduce you.
Ador.
Ador?
Oh, my goodness.
Hey, Kenny.
Oh, not cutie.
Oh, hell yes! This thing is nuts!
There are rumors of condors even bigger.
Maybe four or five times his size.
Go ahead, Kenny, from the phone.
Um, is it true that they regurgitate their prey?
Um, sometimes.
I mean, if you're lucky,
you die right away because of suffocation.
But only the unlucky ones survive.
Unlucky?
Yeah, because then you might actually be cautious...
when the snake comes back to finish you off.
Gotcha. Ooh.
Better to die.
Hey.
Hey, let me ask you a question.
Um, a snake guy... Hmm.
Does he seem kind of batshit crazy?
I mean, he's best friends with a snake.
Of course, he's a little quirky.
I know.
But I like him.
Really? Yeah.
But then again, I used up all my vacation days
to come make a self-financed snake movie with you three,
so... Your judgment's really off.
My judgment is off.
You know his head in the mud.
Anybody talk to the captain?
It's time to shoot.
I'll, uh, reach out again.
Boss!
Ha ha!
Hi, guys.
My name is Anna.
I believe you spoke to my father on the phone?
Bruno?
That's her dad.
Yeah, he sends his apologies,
but he's at the hospital.
Oh.
Ah, I'm sorry.
Unfortunately, you'll have to make other accommodations
because I need to take this boat off river for a routine service.
But I can assure you a full refund.
No, wait, wait!
Everything else is booked.
Yeah.
And we're going to shoot a movie.
It's a reboot.
Anaconda?
Technically, it's more of a reimagining, but...
It's actually more of a spiritual sequel.
Good for you.
There's got to be a way, right?
We can crew the boat.
There's nothing I can do.
We have dreamed of making this film together our entire lives.
Please.
Please! I am begging you.
Please!
Help us find another way.
Let's do this, but fast.
Okay! Yes! Go!
Woo!
Oh! Wow!
Yes!
Is that so?
Beautiful!
Amazing!
Oh!
Oh! Yes!
I mean, we have ideas, but how do we find a spot?
Folks!
Oh!
Yes!
Oh, my God! We're going to do it!
I want a list of all the boats that left the marina in the last 3 hours.
Now!
One more thing, you guys, before we go to bed,
we got a big day tomorrow.
If you remember,
we had a tradition on all our films,
the night before we started shooting,
we would say a prayer to the movie gods,
asking them to basically not screw us over.
And for the first time ever, may they listen.
Come on, to the movie gods.
All right, we're rolling.
Anaconda, scene 15, take one.
Slap it.
Bella!
What the hell are you still doing here?
I'm coming to take you home.
It's time you stop chasing this mythical snake.
And what if I'm not prone to giving up?
I didn't see you filming, now.
What do we do, an EPK?
Background DVD?
Bonus stuff?
The Anaconda is the story of an intrepid biologist, played by Claire,
who hires an unhinged snake tracker,
played by Griff, to hunt down and kill a giant mythical conda that ate her entire family.
Come and get me,
you goddamn snake! And on a deeper level,
it's about chasing your dreams.
And camera set.
Push-ups, good.
And action! What's it like shooting with Doug again?
He and I are best friends.
We've worked together our whole lives.
And I went out to L.A.,
and he was going to come out.
We were going to be a partnership, and he didn't do it.
Griff and I planned to work together in L.A.,
but, you know, life intervened.
But it doesn't matter, because now we're together,
and now we're back.
We're making this, and it's as it should be.
I am the instant!
The Anaconda moves slow and steady.
Sometimes it goes fast.
Snake POV, RD, take one.
No.
No, it's not working.
Snake POV, the right way, take two.
Sometimes he goes from above, in the trees.
Sometimes from below, in the water.
The toothpick, it unlocked a couple of aspects of his character for me.
Something's there.
Ah! Why would I be nervous about doing a love story with Griff?
You guys used to date.
That was a long time ago.
A little bit of chaos is part of the ingredients.
Ah!
Can you look at each other?
This might be the last time you look at each other!
You'd think you'd be a little nicer to the guy who's out here to save your life.
You're an asshole.
And a PhD.
And cut! Great stuff, guys.
We got it.
Should we go one more time?
Wanna try it again?
No, I'm good if you're good.
Let's go one more time!
The chemistry between you two is... Yeah?
Like we were right back in high school.
When you looked up at her.
Well, that's cause of your note.
About taking the B right before you did it.
Yeah, yeah, it made the scene.
I tell ya...
I never felt like this on Squat.
I mean,
granted, I was only in a couple of episodes,
but it was never collaborative, it was never fun.
Not... Not like this.
This... This is... Like we were back on Quatch.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Hey, so... One script thing.
I was thinking, at the midway point,
instead of talking the bad guy out of it, what if
Claire's character
headbutts him?
Sorry, headbutts him?
Headbutts him.
Or... We both do.
Double headbutt.
Come on.
It's kind of revolutionary. - That is super revolutionary.
Why is that super revolutionary?
Well, it's never been done.
Jesus Christ, this is a beautiful scene with real stakes,
Dud.
Feel free to weigh in here.
No, I hear you, I do.
And as always, I trust your instincts on this.
But a double headbutt is pretty revolutionary.
Right?
It is.
It's very revolutionary.
Yes! There's no denying it.
None! Come on, Claire, is the problem you just...
You don't know how to headbutt?
Why would I not know how to headbutt?
We're not born with these skills.
We learn them along the way.
Let me show you.
Tight core.
Breathe in. Hold that breath.
And you can vocalize.
Another kind of headbutt is more unleashed.
Just pull on... Hey, you got the arms in there.
That's good.
Send that shit into the goal.
Or you put some Brazilian sauce on there.
You know.
And you go... Toma.
Hey, I love... Yeah, that's right.
Brazilian spice.
Yeah! If I was gonna headbutt,
I would go for the bridge of the nose.
Yes.
Just crack it.
Yeah! Yes!
Big tabs.
Yep.
That's it!
Yeah.
Side.
Yeah, that's good.
Toma! Toma! Yeah!
Yeah!
Toma!
Toma! Toma! Toma! Toma!
Toma!
Oh!
I'm sorry but how could this happen huh
Kenny I thought you said this guy was a pro...
that's what he said but he hasn't provided us with the certificate
you fixed the crate right it's taken care of my thing my job
under control all good
my a door is a beautiful intelligent smart sexy creature
it does exactly what I command
and I would never let
anything happen to you or the crazy one or her or
her or this actor here
so have a good night
made the sounds of the forest
in the music of your dreams
Jesus he's a poet
okay actors on your marks
Santiago it's time to already yes he's always ready ready and action
cut please
cut yeah all right Kenny do you mind if I
Santiago take five high toward five Hey.
huge when you see it up close and personal like that
majestic creature but um I just just want to
I throw myself in front of this thing to kind of
protect Claire's character
right correct is there any value in um
not doing that what no
no no he sacrifices himself for her it caps his
arc it's so important right and also dude it's
totally safe yeah Santiago has
hydro under control you got nothing to worry about we're
good yeah we're good let's do this
all right take it from the top
back to one
Santiago hi Jordan
action
I'm not leaving!
without you Jerry this thing's got me the walls depending on you I'm depending on you
God damn it! I love you, Jerry!
Bang oil!
Sh-sh-sh. Okay. Okay.
put your face right up next to the snake I don't like this I want to do it
anymore get it closer and closer it's friendly
No! I don't quite have it!
Just hold it for a shot!
Just a couple more beats!
You got this shot!
This is gold! Just give me one more shot!
One inch closer to your face!
Get it right up in there!
You're a hero!
Oh Oh
I know you think this is strange...
a grown man to get emotional over some dad's neck
Jesus
but I love him
and he loved him back whatever way he could...
why is Kenny crying
hey
I don't want you here not for this you tried to murder me
Griff what let the man grieve you
murder my friend just get out of my face where am I supposed to go Griff go just move
hello and cheers my friend
may the divine snakes welcome you my dear friend
But I am a little crazy about the man from the street.
I am single.
Who is it?
You.
Yes, you.
No.
I mean, that is right.
may the divine snakes
What do you see?
They're doing some sort of weird snake funeral.
snake funeral?
Sorry, I thought I heard something.
No, not you.
No.
I know. I'm sorry.
I don't mean to. I just... I'm not trying to disturb you.
I just wanted to... Just leave me alone.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I know you don't believe me, but it's true.
I really am.
A friend of mine died once, too, and it hurts.
Was it a snake?
No.
It was just a...
human person.
Oh.
Still sad, right?
Totally. Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
Beer?
Well, I don't know how much beer is here, but...
You know, let's mix it up.
A few commercials, TV.
Did a few episodes of SWAT.
Oh, SWAT? - Yeah.
Oh, I like that one.
I swear, I even had the last line.
Thanks. The last... Thanks.
Last line of season three.
So what happened?
Well, the producers decided that they didn't really need that character,
so they got rid of me.
I mean, it's only been going about eight or nine more seasons.
They don't deserve you.
Yeah, you're a star.
Thank you. - Yeah.
You're making movies?
I mean, an industrial...
You know what movie I like?
What?
The Lajinov-Becker advance.
You should do a movie like that.
Oh, man, I wish.
Yeah.
I like you.
I like you, too.
You know what?
What?
I'll get a new snake for your movie now.
Really? Yes.
Oh, my God, thank you so much.
You come with me, of course.
What?
Should we be in here?
Maybe we should head back.
What was that?
Shh.
Listen.
There are snakes around here.
I can feel it.
What does it feel like?
I don't know.
It's just very snakey.
What's...
It's snakey?
Huh.
They hear from vibrations on the ground.
Every step we take,
drawing them closer.
And when the jungle goes quiet,
that's when you know they're close.
Yeah.
Hey, man, we should go back to the boat.
Huh? Maybe we should go back to the boat.
Let's go back to the boat.
Santiago!
Nope.
Where are you?
No!
Hey, have you seen Santiago?
Santiago, I don't think he's come back.
Come back?
From what?
We went out to go get a new snake.
You went to find a snake in the middle of the night?
Yeah, but we didn't even want to go to the movie. It was dark.
We got separated.
It was crazy out there.
Graff, Graff, Graff.
What? - You went out in the middle of the night...
to find a juicy snake in the jungle?
You know what that's called?
Producing.
- Really? - I guarantee he will be back with the giant snake.
And you and I are making movies.
You're right. Santiago's a pro.
He'll be fine.
If he's not back soon, we'll go look for him.
♪ It's a good day to start
♪ It sounds like a good day to start
Thank you very much, Santiago.
Guys, it's been over an hour.
I have to go find him.
Well, you're not going alone.
Yeah, we're definitely coming with you.
It's safer that way.
Have you guys tried this thing?
It is like a warm bowl of soup, but in... in chair form.
Yeah, man.
Chairs.
They, like, hold you, man.
They literally have arms, right?
Oh, wow.
Like when your parents are gone.
We still have chairs, you know?
The hell are you talking about?
Let's go find Santiago.
Let's get a snake for our snake movie.
Yeah, Santiago, let's go!
Hey, what direction are we headed in?
Um, like that way.
Wait, Kenny, are you high right now?
Yeah, but I'm good.
I already peaked.
Jesus Christ, Kenny, we're completely lost.
Wait, you guys, this way.
It looks like an open door.
Be careful there.
Ana is not on the boat.
I need you to search the area.
The men are scared to go deeper into the jungle.
I don't care, we have to find her.
What is that?
Oh, maybe Santiago's sleeping in there.
Hola.
Wow.
Looks totally abandoned.
Anybody home?
Maybe some food and water.
Yeah, we could stay here.
At least tonight.
Oh, man, there's got to be snacks in here.
Oh, my God.
Santiago!
Oh, my God.
Oh, dang.
That's where that guy went.
Oh, my God, what is out there?
We've got to go now.
Let's go, let's go.
We can't let him crush the van.
Crush the van?
What?
It's not a camper van.
Probably.
It's got a split-charge battery.
The relay probably popped off.
It's underneath the hood.
Kenny, can you fix it?
Usually I can fix it, yes, but I...
I'm still having some visual problems because of the...
You did it to me again!
You did it on the wedding video,
and now you're wasting off your ass again!
I'm really sorry, boss.
Oh, Buffalo Sober!
You're Buffalo Sober!
Do you have any more?
Griff, please, can you fix it?
I think I'm better suited to be our wheel man.
Talking about that, I've always been a better driver than you.
No, you've been a safer driver.
I passed the driver's test on my first drive.
You took three times.
Yeah, but that's because of yield.
I didn't know... Now I know what that is.
Oh, my God, we're gonna die.
Sorry.
I'll just fix it.
No!
Oh, my God.
Go, go, go!
Hey, hey, wait, stop, stop!
Griff, where are you going?
Get away from that thing!
Oh, shit!
What was that?
You're not supposed to get that big.
Oh, God, it's like a dinosaur!
Hey, maybe we can ask these guys for help.
Bye!
We have to stop!
Do not stop the car!
Anna, what is going on?
They're illegal gold miners who patrol the jungles around here.
These guys are dangerous.
They'll kill anyone who crosses into their territory.
Oh, shit, they're gonna kill us!
Why are they shooting at us?
Griff, can't you drive any faster?
Whoa, whoa, Anna, what are you doing?
Whoa!
Eddie, are you getting this?
Yes!
Keep rolling!
Come on, Griff!
Griff, faster!
Only one left!
Where is she?
Oh, my God! Where is she?
Who? Who do you mean?
I know there's someone else here.
So, where is she?
Ah!
Let's go, come on!
We gotta go, fast!
Look, I can get you guys out of here.
All we need to do is keep heading north.
There's a small airport about a day and a half from here.
You can get us home?
Yes.
Get us home.
I think we gotta call it.
Man, we've got such good stuff and we're so close.
Really?
We're home?
Buddy, I know.
I don't wanna go home empty-handed either.
But we came out here to make anaconda,
and now we're in it.
I'm sorry.
Guys?
Emergency meeting. Cast and crew only.
Kenny, sit down.
What is that?
New badges.
We have some time before the next port,
and I had an idea last night
that I think is just too damn good not to shoot.
Doug, everybody's pretty burnt, man.
Just hear me out.
I'm begging you, please, Kenny.
All right, sorry, boss.
- Thank you. - What if you two, on your way to find the anaconda,
run into a total badass on an incredible quest?
Oh, that's interesting.
Let me guess.
To expose illegal gold miners?
Bingo.
Raise the stakes?
Exactly.
And while they're hunting down this mythical snake,
they actually end up fighting the real villain.
An even bigger snake.
Man.
Oh, yeah.
Yes.
Man.
I like this.
This is good.
And if we add this element,
it does make the movie much bigger.
Like now it's about something.
Games.
Themes.
Uh...
Yeah.
Okay.
You know what, guys?
I didn't want to say anything before, but...
This thing might be an awards play.
I mean, the Academy loves social horror, right?
Dude,
you could be the white Jordan Peele.
I was thinking the same thing.
We've been through so much, you guys.
Let's finish this movie.
I'm in.
Let's do it.
Yeah. Oh, who are you gonna get to play this new awesome character?
Bummer!
Ow!
What an orgy job.
And cut.
Yes!
That's what I'm talking about.
Are you sure you've never acted before?
I swear.
Some of the best acting I've ever seen.
- You're a natural. - You're incredible.
Thank you.
Take five.
Next up, we got 72.
Guys, you see what I'm saying?
She's incredible, right?
Yeah, yes.
Hey, a question, though.
If she saves us,
it doesn't really give my character anything to do.
Yeah.
This was supposed to be the moment where
my character starts falling for Derek,
so he needs to do something heroic, you know?
Unselfish.
I don't know, you guys.
This just feels like her moment.
She actually did it in real life.
But good news, I'm gonna shoot all the rest on her
so you guys have the day off.
See you later.
Take the day off.
Huh.
This is our movie, Griff, and he's just cutting us out.
Yep.
Welcome to show business, baby.
You're not in unless you're getting screwed over by your friends.
Shit.
You ever wake up and wonder...
what the hell have I done with my life?
Yeah.
Like, every day.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, at least you had the guts to go after what you wanted.
You think I wanted to go to law school?
What have I got to show for it, though?
You know what I have? I have a terrible apartment
and a 74-year-old roommate.
Sometimes I go to Trader Joe's
just to feel air conditioning.
You at least have a career.
I mean, what do I have to show for it?
I got no family, no career.
Never done anything that matters.
No nothing.
It's never too late.
Griff, I know you're in there.
Let's make a movie.
Hola, amigo.
Jesus, come on, get dressed.
We've got a packed day.
What are you talking about? I am dressed.
I'm dressed really pretty, very nicely.
All right, can you just take a cold shower?
We got to film, like, now.
Yes, I am.
You know what you should call the movie?
Anaconda.
Get it?
Anaconda, because of Anna.
Can you just get in costume?
Yeah, you know you wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for me.
Without me, you'd still be stuck in Buffalo
shooting your bullshit movie.
Bullshit wedding videos.
Films.
Yeah, you can tell yourself that.
My God, you know what?
I vouched for you, too.
Even the rights holders.
They're like, who is this guy?
I said, trust me, he's good.
What is that?
Attention all crew.
Let's get prepped for scene 85.
Location Bravo, five minutes.
Are they making a movie?
Five minutes until arrival.
Excuse me.
Are you guys shooting a movie?
We're doing a reboot of Anaconda.
Come again?
A reboot of Anaconda.
Anaconda?
Like Ice Cube Anaconda?
Yeah, Sony's rebooting it.
I know.
No new ideas.
That's weird.
So let me get this straight.
You don't have the rights to Anaconda?
No, well, I...
Not legally.
And you've never owned the rights to Anaconda?
I mean, who owns Anaconda?
Sony.
Sony owns Anaconda.
Yeah, no, no, I know that.
No, I mean, like, you know..
like, in the larger sense.
Why would you tell us that you had the rights
to the goddamn Anaconda franchise
when you very much don't have the rights
to the goddamn Anaconda franchise?
Do we really even need the rights, really?
I mean, like, who gives a shit?
About IP?
Yeah.
Literally everyone.
That's what big movies are!
That's why we're here!
You think that's why we're here?
Yes, that's why we're here! We almost died!
We're out in the middle of the goddamn jungle!
We're alive! I had to lie!
I had to lie to you!
You wouldn't have come otherwise! You wouldn't...
None of you would have! Oh,
bullshit! Not bullshit!
It's why you never came out to L.A.
with me in the first place!
Even though we had a whole plan to work together!
Your whole life, you just...
It's been dictated by fear!
Griff?
You're fired.
What?
You're fired.
No, no, I'm not.
You can't fire me.
You know why? Because I quit already.
Last night.
I just didn't tell anybody yet.
So...
Too bad for you, I guess.
Because I already quit.
Griff!
Wait!
Where are you even gonna go?
To find the Anaconda boat.
Maybe they can help me get home.
Just think about this.
It's not safe.
It's a tiny boat.
There's a giant snake out there.
Please don't do this.
Griff!
J-Lo?
Ice Cube?
John Boyd?
Are you in this one?
Help me! Help me, Griff! Help me!
Help me! It's okay! Help me! It's okay!
Calm down! I'll come get you!
It's okay! You're safe! You're safe!
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit! Oh, God!
Oh, God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Doug! Hmm?
Doug, what's going on?
Why are we stopped?
Well, uh...
Anna found a great place to shoot the next scene.
The next scene?
What?
Okay, I know.
Losing Griff was hard.
But between the four of us,
we can finish this film.
I'm not going home empty-handed.
Come on, man.
Without Griff, that's not part of the plan.
Well, plans change, and that's part of filmmaking,
No, no, Doug.
We have to go back for him.
He's not safe out there.
Anna, we need to turn the boat around.
We are not turning the boat around.
Yeah, we're not turning the boat around.
Everyone off the boat now!
What's going on?
Anna, what are you doing?
This definitely isn't the plan.
Well, plans change, Doug.
Isn't that filmmaking?
And every good film needs a bit of a twist.
Everyone off the boat now!
Doug!
Okay.
To the dock.
You're gonna carry these for me back to the boat.
Let's go.
And then what?
And then you're gonna shoot us?
No!
I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's inside these bags.
You wanna look at it?
Look at it.
Wait.
Is... is that... Is that... Gold?
So you're the miner?
You did all of this for money?
Very quick learner.
Doug!
I'm not gonna be part of your sick quest for...
Drop it!
Drop the gun.
The gun.
Now!
Calm down.
You don't move!
I'm with the government to track illegal gold miners.
And Anna here runs one of the biggest rings in Brazil.
This gold can change your life.
You think I care about gold?
Don't trust anything she says.
She's a liar.
She's a damn liar.
We're filmmakers from Buffalo.
We're working on a spiritual sequel to Anaconda.
And I don't know if she mentioned that, but it's not just a reboot.
And I kicked out my friend who had the lead,
and I gave her a juicy one!
Shut up!
I don't know what you're talking about.
Off topic.
Go, arrest her.
Oh, thank God.
Look at the camera, son.
Oh my God!
Who shot me?
That'd be me, asshole.
Griff?
No.
He was a good guy.
I'm a good guy.
He's a cop! Look, I don't... What?
I'm a good guy.
Drop it on your knees now, the four of you!
Get in the water!
Wait, I... Now!
Yeah.
No, no.
Anna, don't.
Don't do this.
You too, Claire.
On your knees, now! You don't have to be this person.
I have children at home.
They're 10 and 13.
Please.
Think about what you're doing to my kids.
Just shut your mouth.
Turn around, now!
I'm sorry.
No.
On your knees.
Now!
Donna!
Eat that shit!
Nice!
For the record, that's how you have fun, bitch!
You won't do it.
You don't have the balls.
I know you, Claire.
You don't know me.
I don't even have kids.
Jesus Christ!
Snake!
No!
No, wait!
Wait! I think the boat is back that way!
Yeah, but there's always the snake!
We can't go that way!
We gotta take this trail and get to the high ground.
Wait, what's that?
What?
Did it bite you?
Yeah, you know what? I think it bit me.
I think it got me.
Yeah, I know it hurts,
but we gotta get out of here now,
because the snake is out there!
Sorry, I can't move.
My leg is freaking out.
What am I gonna do?
We're gonna have to piss on you, man.
Huh?
On the bite.
It's the only way.
I thought that was just jellyfish.
No, no, no, no.
It's all animals.
Are you sure? Positive.
Someone's gotta piss. I need one of your pisses.
I'd love to be able to help out, but I'm just...
I am drained.
Tapped. Bone dry.
Claire, you wanna take care of this?
I'm wearing a onesie.
Kenny, we don't have time to argue about this!
You're up!
You know this is impossible.
Why not?
Because he's
pee shy.
Pee shy?
I have urinary stage fright.
I haven't been able to pee in public in 35 years.
My life sucks!
You can do this.
You have to do this.
Whiz on me.
You got it, buddy. Okay.
Yeah.
You can do it.
Let it flow.
Yeah.
Just piss on me.
Come on, whiz on me.
Whiz on me.
Do it.
Whiz on me.
You don't think I want to?
I would love to piss all over you, man.
But it's not in the cards.
Whiz on me.
I can't.
Now! I'm trying.
You can do it!
Whiz on me! Do it, Ken! That is an order!
Whiz on me! Now! Okay!
Okay.
You got it, buddy.
You can do it.
There's one more problem.
What?
I haven't told you about this.
I can only pee sitting down.
Jesus Christ!
I need a chair.
Come on.
Come on, buddy.
Come on, Kenny.
Come on.
Just do it.
Do it.
Come on, buddy.
Do it.
Come on, buddy.
Do it.
Yeah!
Yes!
Yeah!
Grif, I'm sorry about what I said before on the boat,
but the truth is,
I've been jealous of you for a long, long time.
Jealous?
For having the balls to do what I couldn't.
For going after what you wanted, going to L.A.
and putting yourself on the line.
Dad!
Oh my God!
We have to go after him.
I can't.
I do not have a choice.
Come on.
Grif.
Oh Grif.
What did I do?
I tricked him into coming here and now he's dead.
No.
We all chose to be here.
I wish it was me.
I wish it was Grif. Grif! It should be me.
This is not your fault, and we have to keep going.
Hey, guys.
I think I found out which way we should go.
♪♪ Hey.
It's a big open field.
We got to get across it to get to the boat,
but we can't just run across it.
It's too exposed.
The snake could come from anywhere.
Maybe we can create a distraction.
Yeah, yeah, maybe, but how do we do that?
I mean, it's gonna be this way.
It's here.
What?
Oh, my God.
Doug, no.
Oh, Dougie.
Dougie.
Come on, man.
Is he?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Oh.
♪♪ Wait.
Wait.
♪♪ Maybe Doug is the distraction.
How?
I know this is horrible, okay,
but if we can drag Doug out to the field,
prop him up and
attach the board to his back, what if we make it
really hard for the snake to swallow him?
It'll occupy the snake long enough for us
to get across the field and get back to the boat.
Isn't this a really smart idea?
Yeah.
Oh, God, this is horrible.
The men saving all of us.
I'm sure Doug would have wanted this.
I'm not sure he would have wanted this.
Wait.
What are you doing?
Snakes. They love squirrel meat.
Oh.
Yeah. Oh.
Come on.
Wait, the snake is right behind him.
I can... I...
Oh, shit.
He's alive.
I thought you checked his pulse.
Right there.
No, you did a shitty job.
What the fuck?
Man.
Hey.
Doug.
Run.
He's right behind you.
What?
Get out of here.
Run.
Run!
No, don't run! Run!
What the hell is on my back?
It's a long story.
Just run!
Ah!
Ah! Ah!
God help me!
Ah, Jesus! Ah,
dammit!
This thing's alive! This thing's alive!
Ah!
It's trying to bite me!
God! God!
Ah!
Holy shit!
Get back in the boat!
Go!
Go! Runaway!
Go!
Ah!
Ah! Ah!
Ah!
Okay, okay, I think we're okay,
I think we're okay.
Oh, God, all right, oh, what the hell?
I thought I was dead.
How you doing, Dougie?
I'm okay now.
I thought we lost you.
Can I say something?
I'm sorry, I think I got so caught up
in wanting to play a hero that I lost sight of what it is
that's really important to me,
that's just making stuff with you guys again.
Griff, I feel the exact same way.
I love you guys.
I just have one question.
Whose idea was it to put that dead squirrel in my mouth?
It was, like, a group decision.
Really? Yeah, it wasn't, like, one person.
Snakes.
Snakes love squirrel meat.
I knew it was your idea!
Guys, come on, we gotta keep moving.
All right, well, I made a choice,
and I'm sticking with it!
Holy shit.
It's the anaconda, sir.
What happened?
It's destroyed.
Hello?
Is anyone there?
Hello?
Can you help us?
What? - I....
Again? Sorry.
Behind you!
Oh, my God!
Holy shit.
Ice cube?
Who'd you think it was?
Chime Boy?
Let's go!
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Get in there.
Get in there, two-socks.
Oh, my God.
Hey, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm all right.
A snake tore up the set.
Everybody's scattered.
A lamp hit me.
I'm down.
I get up.
Nobody there.
What about J-Lo?
Yeah, and Eric's dolls.
Ginny from the block, so she gonna be okay,
but Eric came from the block.
Jesus, damn it.
I don't know how we're gonna do it,
but we have to kill it before it kills us.
I'm with that.
Hey, how are they gonna do it in your script?
I don't know.
The writer never finished the third act.
What?
You guys started shooting before you knew the end.
Welcome to Hollywood, buttercup.
That's what they do.
They just make it up as they go along.
What was the general gist?
Do you have any idea?
Was anything any...
All I know is they were setting up pyrotechnics
all through here.
Is it still up?
It's hooked up, but I don't know how to work pyro.
Ginny, you know how to ignite pyro, right?
Not a problem, boss.
Hey, hey, I don't know what y'all talking about, all right?
I gotta go save J-Lo and Stoltz, okay?
Really?
You're going after them?
They the homies, okay?
I can't leave them out here with the ops.
I got to go and represent.
They my castmates.
Actor's code.
Respect.
Hey, hey.
Do you mind?
Search Vans.
Everything you do...
Man, y'all group it out.
Y'all group it out.
What?
Let's go.
Everybody get in here.
Van, okay?
Don't stay.
No, no, no, no.
Can we get one more for safety?
I don't think my face was totally in there.
No, it's okay.
No, we're fine.
You're gonna need that.
Oh, are you sure?
Of course.
I got another one.
All right. Keep it gangster.
Legend.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
Oh, yeah.
It could work, right?
100%.
What are you thinking?
Just make sure that's exactly what I'm thinking,
which I'm sure it is, totally.
I'm super sure.
Think about killing that snake.
That's it.
That's what I was thinking that, too.
Okay, here's the plan.
Griff, you get the detonator from Kenny.
Claire, you fire up the generators.
Kenny, you set up the cameras.
I'll get the golf cart.
We'll lure the snake into the pyro field and end this thing once and for all.
You ready for our big Hollywood ending?
You ready?
Yeah.
Kenny said as soon as we get to the pyro field,
we detonate these one by one.
We're gonna blow this bitch sky high.
Sky freaking high.
Come get us, asshole!
Where is he?
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
That was a big old mess!
Take off the gopher there!
It's going underneath there, see where it went?
You got no mustache?
Where the hell are you talking about?
I'm talking about golf cart technology!
Where'd it go?
I don't see it.
I don't know where it is. You should get your head on a swivel.
I don't see it anywhere.
You're gonna die, you're gonna die!
Yeah.
Oh, my God!
Oh, shit!
I lost the signal.
If we don't get this thing online in time...
Then we're all dead.
Let's go.
Dude,
you're actually a really good driver.
Thank you!
Oh, my God! Ah!
Why is there no power?
Pyrofield's dead ahead, now or never.
Arms and ready.
Wait, look!
Look for something like this.
Okay, okay.
Almost there!
It's getting closer! It's getting closer!
Oh, God!
Go faster!
Found it!
Oh, no!
Oh, God!
Now!
Die, you giant snake bitch!
What the fuck?
It's not working!
Hit all of them!
Hit every one of them!
Now we die! Now we die!
Why didn't it happen?
I don't know.
Oh, wait.
I forgot to turn it on.
Oh, God!
Did we kill it?
No! Ah! Why?
Come on! Oh, it's stuck! Oh, shit!
Oh shit!
It's a dead end.
Oh, shit.
We're all gonna die.
Not on my watch, mister.
Oh, man.
Hell yeah.
Oh, no!
And that's a wrap on Snake.
Oh dear!
Oh, man.
No!
I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
A long time ago, a group of artists had a vision.
To one day live their dream of making a major motion picture.
And last year, against all odds,
I'm proud to say that dream was realized.
As my friend Kenny likes to say,
the snake is a metaphor for the monsters that come for all of us
if our dreams remain unrealized.
And to be clear,
there's also a non-metaphor snake.
Oh, my God! A quick shout-out to Claire Simon and Kenny Trant.
And our luck makes time.
While we may not have the rights... We don't.
We definitely don't have the rights.
This is our completely unauthorized,
possibly illegal,
reboot of a Sony classic film.
Ladies and gentlemen, The Anaconda!
After finishing their film, the gang was unable to secure theatrical distribution as they were promptly served a cease-and-desist letter by Sony.
They definitely did not have the rights.
Claire and Griff ended up getting married. They let Doug direct their wedding “film."
Griff managed to re-land a role on S.W.A.T.
Kenny succeeded in some ways...
..but just couldn't help himself in others.
And as for Doug...
Are you Doug McAllister?
Uh-huh.
You directed the unauthorized version of Anaconda,
even though you didn't have the rights.
Yeah.
I saw your little movie.
And I loved it.
I loved it.
That's why I'm here.
I'm here because we're doing another Anaconda,
and I want you to direct it.
Are you in?
My Anaconda told me I see her dancing
To hell with romancing She's wet,
wet Got it going like a turbo vest
So fellas, fellas, fellas Help me shake it,
shake it, shake it, shake it Shake that healthy butt
Baby got back L-A-B-E O-V-E L-O-V-E L-O-V-E
Baby got back L-A-B-E My Anaconda told me
You don't want none Unless you got butts, hun
L-A-B-E L-O-V-E I like big butts And I cannot lie
You other brothers keep denying
That when a girl walks in
With her itty bitty waist
And around thinking Your face will get sprung
When I pull up,
tuck Did you notice that butt was stuck?
Keeping the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring Oh baby,
I wanna get with ya And take your picture
Oh. My. God.
My Anaconda told me
I wanna look real thick and juicy
Don't find that juicy double
Makes a lot of people trouble
Big and poor, who's that for?
I'm tired of magazines
Saying black butts are the thing
It's the average black man And asking for less
She got a black butt Baby got back
Nice?
Rip?
I'm alive!