CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening.
Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm David Tennant.
In the news this week, in Sydney, following
the Australian Labor Party's surprise victory, the Culture
Minister allows herself a small celebration.
Dyson admits that their latest batch of hand-dryers might need the power
notching down a bit.
That actually looks like the TARDIS.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yeah.
Flies more smoothly.
And in Leatherhead, hidden camera footage reveals to MI5 how
the network of Bulgarian spies were exchanging secret information.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
On Ian's team tonight is a broadcaster who admits
that she is always ten minutes late for everything.
So please welcome the host of Channel 4's News At
7:10, Cathy Newman.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
On Paul's team tonight,
a comedian and actor who recently appeared in a film
with George Clooney.
Acting opposite a global sex symbol was challenging but, in the end,
Clooney managed to gabble out his lines.
Please welcome Miles Jupp.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So we begin with the bigger news
stories of the week.
Paul and Miles, here's yours.
Yes.
Oh, obviously, Donald Trump and Keir Starmer, we're the first
country they agreed a deal with.
There's probably Keir Starmer and Donald Trump talking
via the telephonic communications.
You've robbed the quiz element there...
..I believe might be the story on that one.
So, yes, we've got a trade deal and there is a new Pope.
Which I was extremely surprised that it wasn't me.
Cos I'd been led to believe that it would be me.
I've had the costume fitting and everything.
But, apparently, somebody else.
Yes, indeed.
It's the news that the long-awaited UK-US trade deal was rather gazumped
by the election of a new Pope.
Yes.
Starmer didn't seem to be aware that it was happening
until about five minutes before...
Yeah, but he doesn't know he lost the election.
And also, when Trump was pressing that button in the Oval Office,
wasn't he just ordering a Coke?
Well, there are other worse buttons he could be pressing.
So I think Starmer sort of said that he got called watching
Arsenal football team, North London, while watching a game
that they were playing.
I'm indebted to you.
Thank you, Your Honour.
And so, yeah, he got a call while he was watching the match,
which he wasn't happy with.
But it's very good that he didn't get a call the night before
because I happen to know he was at a romantic dinner
with his wife and I know because I was there, too.
Oh, really? Really?
That is romantic.
How romantic was it?
Well, I was having a dinner with a contact and in walked Keir
and his wife Victoria, and I was like, "Oh,
this is interesting."
Let them get on with it for a bit and then wandered
over and had a chat.
That's the form, is it?
They've made some sort of signal.
Said to the waiter, "Could you invite the other couple over now?
"We've had quite enough of the eating bit.
"What about the lady from the news?
"We both like her."
As soon as his security team ordered the main course,
I was like, "Right, come on, let's get at it.
So..."
Wow.
You really are a proper journalist.
No wonder he had a smile on his face.
I thought it had something to do with the trade agreement.
Your mind is too filthy to be Pope.
That's the problem with you.
Oh!
It's true, though, isn't it?
I think you should look into the history of the Popes.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Anyway, I got the scoop.
Anyway, the scoop is that it was their 18th
wedding anniversary, which is China, not the country...
Yes.
..and a gift of a mug was exchanged.
Was that the public?
Well, Trump has described this deal...
Yeah.
Thanks for bringing us back to the news.
That is what we're here for.
Trump has described it as...
..and includes third party fire and theft
but only if you've got locks on all your downstairs windows.
What's the deal going to achieve?
Do we know any of the details?
It'll change everything.
- Will it? - Yeah.
- Yes, probably. - Yeah.
Has the price of DVDs gone up?
Yeah.
- Is that it? - Yeah.
Through the roof.
Will this affect book tokens?
There's still a 10% baseline tariff, though.
- On everything. - Yeah.
25% tariff on steel is gone.
Yes, but then it was only imposed fairly recently.
Sure.
So we've got a better deal than we had last time
Trump said anything.
Right.
But Keir Starmer said the way to look at it is that,
are things better today then they were yesterday?
And he said they are.
Yeah, but not better than they were a couple of weeks ago.
Yeah, but that...
But I want to know, is it going to be better tomorrow?
Because, I mean, we could be, you know, there could be
nuclear war tomorrow.
You're fun.
You're doing the country down, essentially, whilst talking
to secret sources in restaurants, watching other people's dates.
Do you know what?
You...
People exchanging crockery.
In other news, Donald Trump has also claimed he's
going to bring something back.
What's he going to...?
- PAUL AND MILES SHOUT - Alcatraz.
Yeah.
Alcatraz, that's right.
And somebody worked out, on the local TV station
where he was there that night, Palm Springs or whatever,
were showing the film Escape From Alcatraz.
So he sees something on television and says, "Yeah,
we should bring that back."
Yes.
Let's hope he's not watching any World War II documentaries.
Yes, Donald Trump called for the reopening of
Alcatraz prison for...
In you go, Donald. Close the door behind you.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
But it was still only Tuesday.
So Donald decided to make another announcement to do
with the British film industry.
Yeah, oh, tariff on films not made in America.
Yes, this could have very serious impact on the British film industry.
For instance, the long-awaited new James Bond film may now not be
made in the UK but will instead NOT be made in the US.
I hope the James Bond franchise isn't affected cos you were really
looking forward to taking that on, weren't you, Miles?
Yeah. Yeah, I think...
I mean, I haven't started the training yet but...I've read
a couple of books about spying and, God, it's dangerous.
You wear a suit, a lot of it's done by gadgets, apparently,
there's green screen and, no, I'm...
No, look, I shouldn't really be talking about it but I am really
looking forward to it.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING
As are we.
Be a different Bond, wouldn't it?
"Would you mind awfully if I, um, just shot you?"
I'd be the sort of James Bond that suggests a lot of this
could be done remotely, I think.
Why is May the 4th significant in the film world?
Star Wars.
Yes, indeed.
May the 4th be with you.
To mark that day, Donald Trump posted this AI-generated
image on the official White House X account.
GROANING AND LAUGHTER
What did Star Wars enthusiasts pick up that's
specific about that?
Oh, there'll be some mistake, won't there?
He's got a particular type of lightsaber.
That's it.
Which is made from steel and has a tariff of...
It's also that it's red.
Yeah, not blue.
And only the Sith - that's the baddies -
have red lightsabers.
So is that a mistake or is he trying to tell us something?
I don't know.
Or someone in his press office hates him.
Not the only one!
He also made himself Pope, didn't he?
Well, yes.
Let's take a look at him as the Pope.
There he is.
It'll be Archbishop of Canterbury next, won't it?
Maybe not big enough for him.
Doesn't want to be shouted at by Ian at parties.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yes, it was quite a week
for the Catholic Church as they got a new Pope.
And a new antichrist.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I was just looking at that picture
of Donald Trump as the Pope, and the fact somebody would reduce
themselves to try and extract comedy out of being the new Pope I think
is very sad.
Rather desperate, actually.
But it is an American.
So there must have been a second when the news came
through when Donald thought, "It is me."
Robert Prevost...
Oh, right. He's American, is he?
Yeah.
Oh, right, OK.
First one ever. And he's become Pope Leo XIV.
He was quite emotional, wasn't he?
The new Pope.
Yes.
What did he say?
I mean, you would have been if it had been you.
Yeah, certainly.
There's no point in me talking about it now,
sounds like sour grapes.
Now this Yank's got it.
"I just want to say I've always believed in Jesus."
Ah, get...
So, yes, this is the UK's trade deal with the US.
Hopes had been growing for weeks of a possible trade deal
between the US and the UK, although on Wednesday, Donald Trump
tweeted that it was with...
..which threw us all off the scent a little bit.
The UK ambassador to Washington, Lord Peter Mandelson,
was in the White House for the announcement of the deal,
leading to a touching reunion with Donald Trump.
They hadn't seen each other since that party
on Epstein's island.
Oh!
We'll visit you in Alcatraz.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
According to the Independent,
the new trade deal with India is expected to make entry into
the UK easier for Indian chefs...
Which is great news unless you're carrying...
..a delicious pic-a-nic basket!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Are you auditioning for something?
It's like he was in the room, wasn't it?
It was, yeah, it was, yeah.
Ian and Cathy, here's your story of the week.
Um...
Local elections.
Local elections, bin collection.
There's Farage, who's won, and then Kemi Badenoch, who didn't win.
Exactly.
And that's Keir Starmer.
The Royal Air Force has downgraded over the years, hasn't it?
Look.
This is presumably the elections, the local elections, the mayoral
elections, the by-election.
Indeed.
It was an earthquake.
I mean, according to Reform, life will never be the same again.
Well, it's the end of the Conservatives, they say.
Yeah.
It's the end of the two party system.
It's the start of a new era. It's Nige-ageddon.
Or something.
When was the moment that Nigel Farage realised
he was on to something big?
He was on his way to Durham, wasn't he?
Which is pretty big, you know, winning in Durham,
which is Labour heartland.
Apparently, he noticed that, as he walked down
Ormskirk high street...
LAUGHTER
Come on, Ormskirk. Pull your finger out.
Here's a fun question.
Who was once MP for Ormskirk and Nigel's predecessor as boss of Ukip?
Erm...
Oh, God.
He used to be on the telly a fair bit.
Robert Kilroy-Silk.
There you go, yes.
Let's remind ourselves of some of his best work.
Their fate will be in each other's hands as they decide
whether to share or to shaft.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Can I say, it just goes to show that orange
right-wingers are nothing new.
Not the only Reform supporter with a career in television.
Would you like to see presenter Steve Miller at work?
- Yes, please. - Yeah?
Here he is with a sensitive take on the health crisis.
This is from Sky's Fat Families.
I'm in Telford, Shropshire, and I'm about to meet one
of the fattest families I've met in my life.
I'm here in the Peak District and about to meet two right massive
fatty siblings at the peak of their porkiness.
I'm going to be meeting some right beach blubber bellies.
I'm in Bedfordshire and about to meet three right
jelly bellied jumbos.
It's Mr and Mrs Massive Fatty.
That is an unfortunate name, though, isn't it?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
How did Kemi Badenoch respond to the results?
She said it was a bloodbath.
Yes, she said..
There's not an awful lot else you can do
about a bloodbath, is there?
- You could clean up after yourself. - Yeah.
And what was Keir Starmer's reaction to the results?
He was surprisingly unbothered.
Given that they did nearly as bad, not quite as bad
as the Conservatives, though.
He's got a long time until the next election.
He's got a large majority.
Yeah.
He's got a new mug.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
- What a week. - Yeah.
He said...
A lot of his MPs and members of the cabinet were saying,
"Why don't you scrap the cut on winter fuel allowance?"
And he said, "Because that would be a good ide..."
No, he didn't say that.
There was one Labour campaigner suggested to the Guardian
it was more a protest vote against Labour than
a positive vote for Reform.
What evidence did she use for this, do you know?
This is what politicians always say. "It's just a protest vote."
Well, it was actually spoilt ballot papers.
She told the Guardian...
LAUGHTER
Andrea Jenkyns, who's now Mayor of Lincolnshire for Reform,
she's the queen of graphic gestures, isn't she?
In fact, there's rude gestures...
One involving a finger and one involving a tongue.
Sometimes together.
Wow.
Does she do this over dinner?
APPLAUSE
We've got that. Have a look.
Oh. That's good.
There she is.
I'm going to come first.
Somebody's pissed up that wall behind her.
LAUGHTER
And I'm looking at the man in the brown shorts behind her!
"Oh, excuse me."
There have already been quite a few "war on woke" statements
of intent from Reform, but they tend to be hitting
the brick wall of reality.
The mayor of Lincolnshire, Andrea Jenkyns, pledged
to fire all diversity, equality and inclusion officers,
but there aren't actually any in Lincolnshire County Council,
so there's nobody to fire.
Just proves how quickly she works.
But the Conservatives were hoping to fight their own war on woke.
They've been talking about the...
"What's all that about, then?"
The man of a thousand voices.
Yogi Bear, Cockneys, Donald Trump.
That's about the employment bill, isn't it?
Exactly.
Suppose you run a pub, Miles.
I think we can all picture it.
Yes.
Ah, mine host!
The usual, Ian?
Can of Red Stripe under the counter, served after 11.20.
- So, anyway, this pub I run... - You run a pub.
And say one of your one of your bar staff overhears a joke or a bit
of bants that they don't like, they can take legal action
against you for not protecting them from harmful material.
Well, there's actually no speaking at all allowed in my pub.
Quiet reflection.
Yeah, it's, yeah, it's a kind of mindful bar.
It's really about...
There's a gong bath on Thursdays.
That's probably the really rowdy night.
Otherwise people just sort of silently thinking
about where it's all gone wrong.
Not so different from a Wetherspoons on an afternoon.
Meanwhile, what better combination of people to discuss the VE
commemorations than Rylan and Emma Willis?
They were hoping to rope in some of the survivors of World War II
to their cosy chitchat.
Let's have a look what happened.
Thank you, all...
Good morning, everyone.
..so much for being with us today.
It's an honour...
It is.
..to be sat with you and to hear your stories.
- Thank you. - Thank you!
Thank you.
Shall we start with you then, Gladys?
I don't care.
LAUGHTER
Oh, no.
That is the proper spirit, though.
Yes.
And then they added in the magical ingredient of Gyles Brandreth.
Just keep your eyes on Rylan.
It is called barebacking.
So, you know, like horse riding, where you ride bareback.
Um, so this is called barebacking for Gen Z,
where they travel without anything.
I began doing this a few years ago and I was called a raw dog.
I said, while I'm in the raw dog, you're living life in the raw.
Yeah.
And then finally, what is Tony Blair doing here?
Look what I found in my pocket.
Is he working for them as a lobbyist?
They were at a climate conference together.
A climate conference.
Obviously! Obviously!
Tony was saying, "Don't worry about it.
It's happening slowly."
Yeah.
That's not a very good impression.
I'm up against the master!
I know, he has raised the bar. He has raised the bar.
I would have said, "Hi, guys. Don't go so fast on the net zero."
- I love Danny DeVito. - Yeah.
He's good.
APPLAUSE
This is the local election results, which have,
according to experts, brought Nigel Farage one step
closer to Number Ten.
Keir Starmer, talking at the VE Day commemoration event,
said that we owe the veterans a debt that can...
You could start by giving them back their winter fuel allowance.
APPLAUSE
Following their wipe-out of the local elections,
one Conservative MP commented...
To be fair, the Titanic had more survivors.
After a good night for his party, Ed Davey announced that the Lib Dems
were on their best ever winning streak.
Oh, now Ed Davey's got the word "streak" in his head.
A big swing to the Lib Dems.
Time now for the odd one out round. Just one between you this week.
- Ed Davey. - Yes.
- Vladimir Putin. - Ooh.
Tom Archer from The Archers
and Pliny the Elder.
Now, this might be just a coincidence, but does the surname
Archer, is that relevant to the final...?
Because, I mean, Putin's doing the two fingered thing,
which is something that English archers did at the Battle
of Agincourt, I think.
It's got nothing to do with the Battle of Agincourt.
I thought on a topical news quiz, it was unlikely.
Mind you, we got Pliny the Elder there, and he's the only one
with a dead conger eel on his head.
Tom Archer's wearing a gilet.
I'd be amazed if Ed Davey doesn't own a gilet.
I'm going to give you a clue.
It's about a popular, trendy drink.
Oh, um, Jagerbombs.
They all, they're all absolutely daft for the jagerbombs.
Yeah.
Apart from Ed Davey, because he still likes Aftershock.
I had to dig that one out.
Think about good for your guts.
Oh, yeasty filter...
Kefir.
There we go.
Specifically kefir. Yeah.
- So who's the odd one out, then? - Oh, Pliny the Elder.
Why is it Pliny the Elder?
Well, because it, obviously, just look at him.
He's not got as diverse a microbiome as the other three.
That's exactly right.
That can't be the word for word answer.
They're all fans of fermented milk, apart from Pliny the Elder.
"Fermented milk!"
Pliny the Elder was a fan of fermented cabbage.
- Is that what kimchi is? - Kimchi?
No. He's the leader of North Korea.
Pliny wrote a 37-book magnum opus...
Yeah, Natural History.
There you go.
Which contains a chapter called...
..which reveals how, when boiled and mixed
with salt, cabbage can...
..making him one of the earliest writers on record to
advocate sauerkraut.
The father of a large movement.
Do you know any of the other 86 ways that Pliny
recommended using cabbage?
No, no!
Is the surprising answer.
He recorded that...
Or cause it.
And...
And when they're teenagers, they'll beat the shit out
of you for making them bathe in somebody else's piss.
Pliny the Elder did indeed die in the eruption
of Mount Vesuvius in 79 AD.
- Even cabbage couldn't save him. - Yeah.
No.
It was the second worst eruption in his lifetime.
The first...
Absolutely love this round!
What happened when Ed Davey drank fermented milk every
day for seven weeks?
He grew udders.
He lost two stones.
Lost two stone on fermented milk.
He saw the benefits after going on a diet that consisted largely
of kefir and kimchi.
All beginning with a K. Kombucha is another one.
Does it have quite a violent effect on the body?
I didn't really know what it was.
I ordered some in a cafe, and when I ordered it,
they went, "Oh, you know, that's a health drink."
And I went, "Well, I'm sure it's fine."
And then someone came back over with the thing and said,
"Did one of you order the kombucha?"
And I said, "I ordered it."
And they went, "You know that that's a health drink?"
And then when they bought it, they said, "Are you the kombucha?"
I said, "Yes," and they went, "You do know it's a health drink?"
I got the impression, I started panicking.
I thought, this is going to clean me out within seconds or something,
giving me so many warnings.
Started moving other tables back, that sort of thing.
People appeared in the periphery of my vision with mops and things.
- Selling the business. - I'm definitely coming to your pub.
- We'll all go. - Pint of the usual.
What happened when Radio 4's Tom Archer brought kefir
to the village of Ambridge?
Any Archers followers?
There was umbrage.
It's true. They didn't much like it.
Tom Archer, described by The Guardian as a...
..once went to Brazil to research bacteria
and came back to Borsetshire to launch his own kefir business.
How do we know that Vladimir Putin likes fermented milk?
- He's talked about it in interviews - That's absolutely true.
- What other answer could there be? - Yeah.
Well, there's a new documentary celebrating Putin's 25 years
in power, and it showed us a glimpse inside his Moscow apartment,
where he shared a glass of kefir with a journalist.
Here he is.
Mm.
IN RUSSIAN
That's polonium.
Cathy, you said you'd really like to interview Putin.
Yeah, I still would.
Well, I've been banned from Russia now.
How does it... Does it arrive in a letter?
Do you get...?
They just did a list of journalists who were banned.
Who else has been banned, then?
Rylan?
Vladimir Putin has given a journalist a rare tour
of his Kremlin apartment.
A flat!
Let's just say I'd be surprised if the family upstairs let the kids
learn a musical instrument.
Showing off his fridge, Vladimir Putin revealed
he was a big fan of...
It's just normal milk that he's looked at.
Right. Time for the missing words round.
We start with...
Proving to be a gateway to Hades.
Relaunching E.coli.
Here is Bella, the robot, with her two human co-workers.
Bella can respond to a number of situations.
For example...
Something she learned from Gino D'Acampo.
Next...
Liverpool fans celebration.
Is absolutely right.
Liverpool Premier League win, there you go.
Tremor in Liverpool was so powerful that at the other end
of the country, it was briefly jolting Arsenal fans awake.
What do you think Arsenal's chances are of winning the Champions League?
Um, well, they're up against Real Magnifico, um...
One of the great superheroes of our time.
I think they're going to cruise it myself.
Yeah, they've been knocked out.
APPLAUSE
I do love this banter.
What's that all about, then?
That's fantastic. Dick Van Dyke.
Yeah.
But that brings us to the final scores.
Paul and Miles have four, Ian and Cathy have six!
APPLAUSE
We just have time for the caption competition.
So, ladies, here we are.
Ladies, I was thinking maybe sushi.
My friends call me Jacob Rees-Mogg.
APPLAUSE
Three good ones.
On which note, we say thank you to our panellists
Ian Hislop and Cathy Newman, Paul Merton and Miles Jupp.
And I'll leave you with news that at Tate Modern,
a new sculpture is revealed, inspired by how voters feel
about Labour's first year in government.
After leaving his glasses at home, an embarrassed King Charles has
to apologise for his mistake when posting a letter.
And in Whitby, excitement gave way to disappointment after a sighting
of the UK's biggest cockle turned out to be a false alarm.
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE