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The following programme contains
strong language and adult humour.

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(TRUMPET RIFF)

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STEWART LEE: It's always difficult
to know how to start a show,

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I've only ever written
one decent opening routine.

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I wrote it in September 1989.
And I'm gonna open with it tonight...

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(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)

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..without changing any of the
now irrelevant cultural references.

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So all the way back now
to September 1989.

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Oh, it's great to be here.

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It's annoying being alive though,
isn't it?

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Isn't it? (SIGHS)

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I'll give you an example
of what I mean.

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Last Sunday at 6:30,
there was a knock at my door,

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and I went down and I answered it.

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There was one of these
born-again Christian evangelists

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that they have now there,
you've seen them about.

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And he said to me,
"Sir, the answer is Jesus.

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Now what is the question?"

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And I said,
"Is the question for which role...

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

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..was Robert Powell...

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

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..nominated for a BAFTA?

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

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And he said, "No, it isn't that."

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I said, "Can I have another guess?"
He said, "Yes."

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I said, "Is the question:
I was born in zero BC...

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

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..and I am commonly regarded as being
the inventor of Christianity,

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but which J am I?"

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

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And he said, "No, it isn't that."

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And I said,
"Can I have another guess?"

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He said... There's no point
coming in now really,

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the people that are late there.

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

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I said, there's no point
coming in really now...

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I said, there's no...

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

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(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

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Don't tell me to carry on.
The problem is...

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Look.

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OK, the problem is you've missed
the opening line, right,

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which ties in
with the final line of the thing,

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creates a whole through line
for the whole show.

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And you've missed
the opening two jokes,

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which set up a half-hour section
in the second half,

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which will now make no sense, so...

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(SIGHS)

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

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You can stay, right,
but I don't want to...

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I don't know why you're laughing,

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I don't want to be looking
at you later on,

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and seeing you going,
"This doesn't make sense."

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Cos it does.

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Just you've not...

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You can't really come in late to me,
right, because...

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The thing about me, right,
it's all very...

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It's all very carefully worked out.

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The thing about me, right, is
I'm not really a stand-up comedian.

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A lot of people on social media
will tell you that.

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

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I'm more of a sort
of a literary artist, right.

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And what I do is
I use stand-up comedy

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as a sort of Trojan horse,

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to deliver literary art to places
it's not really wanted.

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Like Salford on a Monday.

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

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Come in late to me, right,
it's a bit like thinking,

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"Oh, I'll read Tolstoy's
War and Peace,

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but I'll rip
out the first ten chapters."

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And then you're going, "Who the fuck
are all these Russian people?"

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I'm not going back to that joke
about the door now, what's the point?

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Forget it.

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Ah, well, you know...
people should get here on time.

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So uh...

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It's always very difficult to know
how to start a show, as I said.

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If you've seen me before,
and I hope you have,

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I don't really like
new people coming. We've seen...

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We've seen the problems it creates.

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

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What I'd normally do,

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I'd take whatever
the prevailing political narrative is

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and I'd weave it
through the following two hours.

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"Is it two hours this,
you've brought us to, Jeff?

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I thought there'd be... Is this him?
Is this the main one?

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I thought it was Lee Mack
we were going to, Lee...

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I thought you said it was Lee Mack.
So...

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Yeah, but what is the prevailing
political narrative at the moment?

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I started writing this show
in January last year.

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We're already on the third
Conservative government
of the run, you know.

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I'm trying to write a joke
about the Rishi Sunak cabinet,

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it makes about as much sense

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as trying to befriend
a disposable barbecue.

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

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Or marry a mayfly.

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Short lifespans they've got,
haven't they, madam with the...

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with your arms folded?

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The mayfly has...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

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It's got a short lifespan.

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That's why
you should be laughing at that.

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Don't come and see me
if you don't know what anything is.

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(APPLAUSE)

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There are more fucking pricks
coming in late now.

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And I've already done the bit I do
when people come in late.

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

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You can't really come in late to me,
cos the thing about me is...

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What are they laughing at?

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You don't know, do you?
Cos you weren't here.

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I'm not really a stand-up comedian,
I'm more of a sort of a literary...

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No, no, I'm not gonna do that.

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If there's one thing I can't bear
in stand-up, it's repetition.

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So... I can't bear it.

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(APPLAUSE)

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So...

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I've written some jokes
about the Rishi Sunak cabinet.

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I've written them
on this piece of card.

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I'm just gonna read them out.

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There's no point learning them
at this late stage.

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Case in point, in January I had
a good bit about Therese Coffey,

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the then Environment Secretary,
but she's gone.

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Actually...
you'd think Therese Coffey

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would have understood
the environment, wouldn't you?

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And the wilderness, and the forests,
and the hedgerows,

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and the ditches, and the culverts.

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Cos it looked like that was where
she lived and foraged for food.

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

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But she's gone,
we've got a new bloke,

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Steve Barclay, Environment Secretary.

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What he needs to do, he needs to stop
the privatised water companies

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creaming off all the profits
and pumping millions of tonnes

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of human excrement
into our seas and rivers.

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The problem he's got there,
is cos we've left the EU,

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everything's been deregulated,

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and we can't impose
the pollution fines from Brussels.

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Now, the problem for Brexiteers here,

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is there's now so much human
excrement in the English Channel,

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there's a risk
it will harden into a crust

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and the migrants will just walk over.

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(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

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Don't clap!

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It's not Feargal Sharkey's
birthday party.

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

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So that's all I've got
on the Tories, anyway.

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Cos they've all... you know.
So I thought,

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"What can I do for the top
of the show fun bit?"

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I thought, "Well, the Royal Family,
that's ongoing, isn't it?"

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And I was very sorry
to see the Queen go,

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cos I respected
and admired the Queen.

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She was obviously ill, wasn't she,
in those last few weeks, the Queen?

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But she hung on, didn't she,
the Queen?

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She hung on to make sure

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she had accepted
the resignation of Boris Johnson.

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

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I don't know what it's like here
in Salford, but down in London,

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the monarchists struggled to know
how to grieve for the Queen.

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And because she'd been
in that little Paddington
comedy sketch on Comic Relief,

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a lot of the monarchists, they left
marmalade sandwiches outside...

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They did, outside Buckingham Palace,
like Paddington would eat.

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And then the police said
to the monarchists,

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"Can you not leave
those marmalade sandwiches

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there, please, monarchists?

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Cos they rot down
and they attract other vermin."

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(LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

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A lot of the monarchists, they left
little Paddington Bear dolls

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outside Buckingham Palace -
that was alright.

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So what happened to them,
the Royal Footmen gathered them up

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and they were given to Prince Andrew
to use as bait.

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(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

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You've got a little
Paddington Bear doll there in the...

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grass by the swings. Next to that,

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some kind of stick or a sceptre
stuck into the ground.

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On top of that, the lid
of an empty Pizza Express box.

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They crawl in there.

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I submitted that joke
to a Sunday newspaper.

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And they said,
"We can't really print that.

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Can you rewrite it?"
So I rewrote it.

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I put, "The Royal Footmen gather
up the Paddington Bear dolls,

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and give them to Prince Andrew
to use as he sees fit."

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

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They said, "That's worse, really."

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Cos of what's left unsaid.

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You know, the suggestion
Prince Andrew is sitting...

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lying on silken sheets
in the Royal Apartments,

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calling to the Footmen
beyond the door,

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"More Paddingtons,
more Paddingtons now!"

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And they're throwing the Paddingtons
in one after another

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as fast as Prince Andrew
can ruin them.

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Paddington, Paddington, Paddington.

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Ruined, ruined, ruined,
and he never broke a sweat.

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He never broke a sweat!

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He doesn't sweat.

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So...

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I was supposed to have
a stand-up show on BBC Two

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the night before the Queen's funeral,
on the Sunday night.

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And they cancelled it on the day
cos everyone was so worried,

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weren't they, about what was
the right thing to do, you know.

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So the BBC pulled me off and...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)

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Now, that's never got a laugh
anywhere else.

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And that tells us something
about Salford, doesn't it?

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You can spend as much
as you like on culture,

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but at the end of the day,
they're still scum, aren't they?

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And they're still little...

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It doesn't even make sense.
What you, why you laugh...

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The BBC pulled me off, did they?

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What, everyone that works for it
in a big...

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in a big line all round Media City.

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All in the big line,

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rolling up their sleeves,
spitting on their hands?

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All of them, is that what you think?
All of them?

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All the BBC employees, all the...

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All the BBC employees, you know.

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Clive Myrie.

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00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:10,120
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
All the BBC employees.

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So I was...

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Yeah,
so they cancelled it on the day.

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And it was such a late decision
that there was no listing anywhere

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saying what was going on instead.

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So I sat up till 10 o'clock.
I thought, "Let's see what comes on."

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And what came on instead of me
at 10 o'clock on BBC Two,

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the night before the Queen's funeral,

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was this sort of erotic biopic,

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a biopic of a 19th-century
French pornographer called Colette,

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played by Keira Knightley.

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Has anyone seen this film?

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00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:42,800
No, no-one's seen... You have?

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OK, it's quite a sexually
explicit film, isn't it?

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As you remember, there's seven
full frontal nude scenes,

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four heterosexual, three lesbian.

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And I was sitting there watching
this, thinking, "This is a bit..."

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Presumably, some BBC bloke's
been through the archive and thought,

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"This is what the Queen
would have wanted, probably, to see.

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00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:03,080
To remember her life, you know.

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And it was pretty full on. I was
sitting there watching it, you know,

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and I thought I'd better see
what was on instead of me.

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00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:11,480
And I'm a man, you know,

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00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:15,040
certain involuntary
physical reactions started to occur,

240
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:17,680
and then I became very annoyed
with the BBC.

241
00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:20,160
Cos what they'd done to me,
in my mind, subconsciously,

242
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,080
like one of Pavlov's dogs,

243
00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:27,080
they'd now forced me to associate
mild involuntary sexual arousal

244
00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:30,440
with any prolonged period of
enforced public mourning.

245
00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:32,480
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

246
00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:37,720
The problem started the next day, to
be honest, with the Queen's funeral.

247
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:41,480
I was sitting in,
patriotically trying

248
00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:44,280
to watch the news coverage
with the kids, you know.

249
00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:48,000
The Queen's decomposing body
starts rolling down the Mall.

250
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:51,920
I thought, oh, dear, here we go.

251
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:54,080
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

252
00:12:57,520 --> 00:12:59,920
I had to go and finish myself off
in the shed.

253
00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:04,480
And I haven't even got a shed.

254
00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:07,920
I was just sitting
in the garden on a workbench.

255
00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:14,280
Right, that's the end of the fun,
topical bit at the top of the show.

256
00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:16,720
It's not really of interest to me,
that sort of stuff.

257
00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:18,560
I just do it cos I'm sick of reading,

258
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:22,000
people going, "The reason you don't
see Lee on Have I Got News For You

259
00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:24,360
is cos he can't write economic,
topical jokes."

260
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:26,960
Oh, I can write them, as we've seen,
I can write them very easily.

261
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,280
But... it's beneath me.

262
00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:31,960
Uh, it's beneath you.

263
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:36,120
And it's time now to move on into
the punishing experimental stand-up

264
00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:39,040
that has kept me out of the arenas
for 35 years now.

265
00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:41,800
(LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

266
00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:44,480
So...

267
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:47,200
So if you've seen me before,
and I hope you have, as I said,

268
00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:50,480
you'll know... I didn't really know
what to do with this show, you know.

269
00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:53,560
Normally, I would take whatever
the political through-line is.

270
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:56,440
I couldn't work out what that was
cos everything's in collapse.

271
00:13:56,480 --> 00:14:00,400
Or I might have a big prop-based show
with a huge falling shark,

272
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:03,000
or a landscape,
you know, made out of rubbish.

273
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:04,840
I couldn't really afford that
this time.

274
00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:07,920
So I thought, "What I'll do,
I'm gonna take stand-up...

275
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:10,680
..back to basics and I'm gonna ask,

276
00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:13,520
what, in essence,
is stand-up comedy, right?"

277
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:16,040
And in essence,
stand-up comedy is this, isn't it?

278
00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:20,160
It's one man, one microphone,
one audience.

279
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:24,000
Pure, simple, classic.

280
00:14:24,040 --> 00:14:27,680
"But hey, hang on, granddad,
it's the 21st century now.

281
00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:30,640
That definition's
a bit out of date, isn't it?

282
00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:32,760
Cos women are allowed
to do comedy now.

283
00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:36,400
Not in Salford, by the sounds of it.

284
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:39,800
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
They are! There's loads of them.

285
00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:41,840
When I started in the '80s,

286
00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:43,760
there were so few women
doing stand-up,

287
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:46,200
comperes didn't really know
how to bring them on, you know.

288
00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:49,080
The bloke would come out and he'd go,
"Last week we had a bloke

289
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:51,920
who could hang a massive weight
off his penis,

290
00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:55,480
and another bloke who could shoot
a firework out of his arse,

291
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:58,640
and another bloke who could do an
impression of Charles de Gaulle

292
00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:01,520
using only his testicles.
They were brilliant.

293
00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:05,360
But this week, ladies and gentlemen,
we've got a woman for you."

294
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:07,720
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

295
00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:10,360
"And she's gonna try
and do comedy now.

296
00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:14,600
I know, I've seen her backstage,
she's a very attractive girl.

297
00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:17,000
But...

298
00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:19,160
will she be funny? Probably not.

299
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:20,880
But it don't matter, does it?

300
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,960
Cos you don't laugh
at the mantelpiece

301
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,640
when you're fucking someone."

302
00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:26,280
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

303
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:31,960
That's... Right. That... Turn round,
look at this bloke.

304
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,560
That's supposed to be an example

305
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,400
of out-of-date '80s sexist comedy,
sir.

306
00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:40,480
Not the first bit
you've really enjoyed in the whole...

307
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:42,320
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

308
00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:44,360
Are you getting that, bloke?

309
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:48,600
Andrew Tate fan club member there.

310
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:53,680
But of course, today, loads
of the best stand-ups are women,

311
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,360
so let's change that definition.

312
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:57,600
Stand-up comedy, one man or woman,

313
00:15:57,640 --> 00:16:00,680
yeah, one microphone, one audience.

314
00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:03,160
Pure, simple, classic.

315
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:06,360
But if you've got teenagers,
or maybe you are a teenager,

316
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:09,600
I hope there's some teenagers in,
some younger people in tonight,

317
00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:11,960
I've got ten years left
on the mortgage.

318
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:14,760
There's no real future
in this audience is there?

319
00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:18,440
Sort of Saga...
Saga holidays theatre trip.

320
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:20,080
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

321
00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:22,120
But um...

322
00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:24,680
Yeah, I... see...

323
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:27,360
A teenager would think that was
a very reactionary definition.

324
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:29,880
I went to the Edinburgh Fringe
last summer with my kids,

325
00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:32,800
I'd never seen so many transgender
people doing stand-up.

326
00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:36,160
And I remember the first
transgender comedian I met, actually,

327
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:38,320
it was in November 1989,

328
00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:40,920
backstage at the Euston Comedy Club,

329
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:43,000
and it was Fay Presto,
who was a brilliant...

330
00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:46,320
Still is a brilliant
close-up comedy magician.

331
00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:50,360
And Fay Presto did an amazing thing
backstage that night, just for me.

332
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:55,400
Fay Presto made a dove disappear
in front of my eyes.

333
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:59,040
But Fay Presto also made
something else disappear that night,

334
00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:01,840
didn't she? Do you know what it was?

335
00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:03,640
That's right.

336
00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:05,480
It was my prejudices.

337
00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:07,520
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

338
00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:11,760
(APPLAUSE)

339
00:17:19,319 --> 00:17:21,119
Not against transgender people,

340
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:23,160
but against magicians.

341
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:25,200
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

342
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,440
Because before I met Fay Presto,

343
00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:34,280
I'd always assumed all magicians
were just creepy old men

344
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,520
with suspiciously young
female assistants.

345
00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:38,560
But after I met Fay Presto...

346
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:40,840
blah, blah, blah, rhythm of a joke.

347
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:42,880
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

348
00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:47,640
That's how jokes work. Yeah,
they're shit, aren't they, jokes?

349
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:49,000
I hate jokes.

350
00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:52,280
All jokes are the same
with the words changed, aren't they?

351
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:53,640
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

352
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:55,560
Do you know what I mean?

353
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:59,520
Na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na,
na-na-na-na, ah-ha-ha!

354
00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:02,520
Fucking pointless.
I'm not gonna write any more jokes.

355
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:04,560
I'm gonna come out here
with a blackboard

356
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:07,200
with a list of topics on it,
I'm gonna point at one of them,

357
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:08,880
and you can have
a good laugh imagining

358
00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:11,680
what I might have said about it.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

359
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:14,200
So let's change that definition.

360
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:16,480
Stand-up comedy, one person,

361
00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:19,280
one microphone, one audience,

362
00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:23,040
and if you're Frankie Boyle,
a large team of uncredited writers.

363
00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:28,600
Pure, simple, classic.

364
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:38,520
So there was a definition
of stand-up comedy,

365
00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:41,120
but as well as a definition
of stand-up comedy,

366
00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:43,320
there's something else you need
to do a show,

367
00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:45,840
and that's some material,
you're gonna need some material.

368
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:47,720
And I don't mind telling you,
Salford,

369
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:50,280
I was struggling a bit with this one,
I thought, "What I'll do,

370
00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:53,120
I'll go in the kitchen,
I'll shut my eyes, I'll spin round,

371
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:55,520
and whatever the first thing
I see when I open them is,

372
00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:59,720
I will write a hit Live At
The Apollo-type routine about that."

373
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:02,480
Right? So I went in the kitchen,
opened my eyes,

374
00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:05,880
and the first thing I saw
on the shelf was a cookbook,

375
00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:10,520
called Veg by the TV chef
Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, right?

376
00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:13,360
I thought,
"Right, I'm gonna write a hit

377
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:16,600
Live-At-The-Apollo routine
about that.

378
00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:19,040
OK, here we go, Live At The Apollo.

379
00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:22,800
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

380
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,600
(AUDIENCE MEMBER WOLF WHISTLES)

381
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:44,120
(SNIFFS, GRUNTS)

382
00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:53,080
(VOCALISES)

383
00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:55,760
You know... (STUTTERS)

384
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:58,480
Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall,
he likes meat.

385
00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,760
Yeah. In fact, in 1998,

386
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:04,600
he actually cooked and ate
a human placenta live on Channel 4,

387
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:07,080
for which he was roundly criticised
by the Watchdog,

388
00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:10,760
who said he should at least have
detached it from the baby first.

389
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:14,160
Thank you, and you can follow me
on Instagram, yeah.

390
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:16,280
So...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

391
00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:19,120
So...

392
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:23,120
So what I'm saying is, OK.

393
00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:25,560
This is me now, madam.
I've stopped doing that character.

394
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:27,600
This is...

395
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:32,080
What I'm saying is, right,
if he's gonna change tack

396
00:20:32,120 --> 00:20:34,400
about what he's writing about,
or any writer,

397
00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:35,920
you've got to flag it up.

398
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:38,200
You know, like Iain Banks,
the Scottish novelist,

399
00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:40,040
when he wrote science fiction,

400
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:43,560
like, consider Phlebas and that,
he called himself Iain M Banks.

401
00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:46,040
And when he wrote The Wasp Factory
and The Crow Road,

402
00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:49,000
he called himself Iain Banks,
so you knew where you were, right?

403
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:50,840
It's like JK Rowling, OK?

404
00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:56,360
When JK Rowling... writes
the Harry Potter books for children,

405
00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:59,200
she calls herself JK Rowling.

406
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:01,280
And she writes sentences like,

407
00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:03,760
"Tall Harry saw
the frightening thing."

408
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:05,800
Right?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

409
00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:13,160
But when JK Rowling
writes thrillers for adults,

410
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:15,680
she calls herself Robert Galbraith,

411
00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:17,760
which is a man's name.

412
00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:19,800
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER BUILDS)

413
00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:33,760
I don't know where you think
this is going.

414
00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:37,920
But it's not fucking going
anywhere near that.

415
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:39,960
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

416
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:44,800
No, it's not worth it, no way.
I've got...

417
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:47,720
I've got kids,
I don't want the grief, right.

418
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:49,800
I know what you're thinking,
madam, you're going,

419
00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:51,720
"It is about that,
it's a clever double bluff."

420
00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:53,280
It fucking is not about that, no way.

421
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:55,440
It's not worth it.

422
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:58,080
This is not about that,
it's about this, OK?

423
00:21:58,120 --> 00:22:00,680
So settle it down, right?

424
00:22:03,080 --> 00:22:05,000
So what I'm saying is,

425
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:07,400
when JK Rowling
writes thrillers for adults,

426
00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:10,760
she calls herself Robert Galbraith,
which is a man's name.

427
00:22:12,360 --> 00:22:15,160
I've said, haven't I, I've said...

428
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:16,960
What part of
"it's not about that"...?

429
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,640
You know? It's not fucking...
It's not worth it.

430
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:24,960
It's alright for you, isn't it,
sitting in the dark in Media City?

431
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:27,320
No-one comes here, right? But...

432
00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:34,200
I mentioned this about 18 months ago,
all hell broke loose.

433
00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:36,640
I didn't know,
I'm not on the internet, you know,

434
00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:38,640
a friend of mine rang me up
from Ireland,

435
00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:41,920
and she went, "Oh, it's awful
what's happened to you, isn't it?"

436
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:43,960
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

437
00:22:45,080 --> 00:22:47,640
"What's happened to me?"

438
00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:49,440
And she said,
"Oh, have you not looked?"

439
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:53,000
I looked on the internet, there's all
these people, "Get him, kill him!"

440
00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:55,040
There's a funny little old man,

441
00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:57,400
he lives in a Martello Tower,
have you seen him?

442
00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:00,760
He's got a three-cornered hat on,
he films himself shouting at me,

443
00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:03,640
and puts it... I'm not there,
he puts it on the internet.

444
00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:06,040
Have you seen that?

445
00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:10,160
They put my home details on Mumsnet.
On Mumsnet!

446
00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:13,360
They went,
"That's where he lives, get him!"

447
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:16,360
But what was worse, the next line
underneath, someone had put,

448
00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:19,080
"I've walked past that house
and it isn't very nice."

449
00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:21,200
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

450
00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:25,720
Well, but that's why this is
not about that, it's not worth it.

451
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:29,600
Right? So what I'm saying is,
when JK Rowling...

452
00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:32,080
It's fucking not about that,
I've said stop!

453
00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:35,040
You do it, I'm not...

454
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:37,880
They put my home details on Mumsnet!

455
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:40,480
Have you... Mumsnet has gone insane!

456
00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:44,120
Everyone on Mumsnet has been
radicalised around a single issue.

457
00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:47,800
If Mumsnet was an Islamic website,
they'd shut it down!

458
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:49,360
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

459
00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:51,680
Cos it's a load of old women
that start drinking rose

460
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:54,880
at four in the afternoon,
they think, "Oh, it doesn't matter.

461
00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:57,040
They'll never find his house."

462
00:23:57,080 --> 00:23:59,080
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

463
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:04,240
"Especially if there's
a branch of Carluccio's on the way."

464
00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:06,520
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

465
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:08,880
This is not about that

466
00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:11,400
cos it's not worth the grief, right?
So get over it.

467
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:15,920
So what I'm saying is, when JK
Rowling writes thrillers for adults,

468
00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:19,360
she calls herself Robert Galbraith,
which is a man's name.

469
00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:21,080
She isn't actually a man,

470
00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:25,120
she just identifies as a man
for the purpose of writing thrillers.

471
00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:28,760
Which women can't do because they get
too frightened while writing them.

472
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:31,520
See!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

473
00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:33,480
It wasn't what YOU thought!

474
00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:35,320
It was just a sexist joke
from the '80s.

475
00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:38,480
You liked that, didn't you, sir?
That was your favourite bit.

476
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,840
Second bit for you.

477
00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:43,880
Loved it. He's going,
"Oh, now it's picking up."

478
00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:45,320
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

479
00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:47,400
(MANCUNIAN ACCENT)
"Women writing thrillers,

480
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:50,560
what the fucking hell's
that about, ey? Fuckin..."

481
00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:52,600
(REGULAR VOICE) So...

482
00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:56,080
So what I'm saying is, right?
JK Rowling...

483
00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:58,360
is he still talking about that? Yes!

484
00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:02,040
This is a short bit by my standards.

485
00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:04,480
In the second half,
there's a routine,

486
00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:06,720
it's half an hour long,
there's no jokes,

487
00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:09,320
and it doesn't make any sense.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

488
00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:12,000
And it's the best bit.

489
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:16,360
So what I'm saying is, right?

490
00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:20,080
JK Rowling doesn't become a man
when she writes her books for adults.

491
00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:22,440
She doesn't sit there in the morning

492
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:24,640
with all women's genitals
all over her.

493
00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:26,680
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

494
00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:32,560
Writing Harry Potter books
for children, you know.

495
00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:35,920
Writing about a moth
that had a hat on

496
00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:38,880
and was in charge of a library.

497
00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:41,320
Or a...

498
00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:43,680
a dish that was ashamed
of its memories.

499
00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:47,440
Have you read them, madam?
You look like a Harry Potter fan?

500
00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:50,120
Have you read the Harry Potter books?
Yeah? Would you read that?

501
00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:52,560
Harry Potter And The Dish
That Was Ashamed Of Its Memories?

502
00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:54,720
You wouldn't read that?
Wouldn't you be...

503
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:58,880
You wouldn't read that one? Wouldn't
you be curious about... to see?

504
00:25:59,920 --> 00:26:03,120
Cos it's a tragic idea, isn't it?
Cos it's ashamed,

505
00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:06,160
the dish, of its memories, isn't it?

506
00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:07,880
But can it tell anyone about it?

507
00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:10,920
No, cos it's a dish, so it will...

508
00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:12,960
it will never have closure.

509
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:15,000
It's a terrible...
Would you read that?

510
00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:17,760
Are you the sort of person that
thinks they're quite well-written,

511
00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:19,720
actually, the books? Cos they're not.

512
00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:21,440
So I...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

513
00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:23,480
Then...
(APPLAUSE)

514
00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:26,520
They're for children,
they're for children! Then...

515
00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:30,680
She doesn't pop up to Hanover Street,
Edinburgh, at lunchtime,

516
00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:32,520
have gender reassignment surgery,

517
00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:35,240
and go back in the afternoon
with all men's genitals on her

518
00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:37,760
and write about things
men are interested in, you know.

519
00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:40,560
Like batteries or
the Bay of Pigs massacre.

520
00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:42,720
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
It's what you like, isn't it?

521
00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:44,760
Then...

522
00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:47,240
..she just rings up her agent.

523
00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:49,400
She goes,
"Hello, Jeff, I'm a man now."

524
00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:51,560
And he goes, "Oh, good."
And then when her...

525
00:26:53,560 --> 00:26:56,400
When her husband comes in at night
and she's still working,

526
00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:59,080
he doesn't go,
"Oh, God, what is she now?"

527
00:26:59,120 --> 00:27:03,320
And he knows that she's a woman
and she's writing Harry Potter books

528
00:27:03,360 --> 00:27:06,320
if she's writing
about a ferret that had a motorbike.

529
00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:10,040
Or a...

530
00:27:10,080 --> 00:27:11,680
(LIP TRILL)

531
00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:13,760
..a cup that was an ombudsman.

532
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:15,400
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

533
00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:19,240
Would you read that madam?
Harry Potter And The Cup That Was...

534
00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:21,560
You'd read it, wouldn't you, sir?
Yes.

535
00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:23,960
No? Leave her alone? OK, fine.

536
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:26,000
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

537
00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:34,880
The thing about audience interaction?

538
00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:37,040
you have to know
when to just walk away.

539
00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:41,560
"Leave her alone." OK, fine.

540
00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:46,480
It's a bit of fun, fuck's sake.

541
00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:48,680
You don't mind, do you?
Would you read that?

542
00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:52,080
An ombudsman, it's an ombudsman.
The cup.

543
00:27:52,120 --> 00:27:54,440
How would it arbitrate a dispute?
No-one knows.

544
00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:58,280
That's all I was gonna say.
A reasonable question.

545
00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:00,600
She's what?

546
00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:02,600
MAN: If you don't stop it,
I'll punch ya.

547
00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:04,880
You'd what? Punch her?

548
00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:06,600
Who, me?

549
00:28:06,640 --> 00:28:08,560
I'm not gonna punch anyone.

550
00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:10,320
You'll punch me.

551
00:28:10,360 --> 00:28:13,400
What, for asking what a dish would
be like if it was an ombudsman?

552
00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:15,440
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

553
00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:17,600
Fucking overreaction.

554
00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:20,080
What would you do if I asked you...

555
00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:24,600
..what a fork would be like if it
was a gynaecologist?

556
00:28:24,640 --> 00:28:26,320
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

557
00:28:26,360 --> 00:28:28,360
If you're gonna get into this.

558
00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:33,080
What would you do...
If you'd punch me if I said,

559
00:28:33,120 --> 00:28:35,560
"What would you do
if a dish was an ombudsman?

560
00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:39,400
What would you do to me
if I said that a...

561
00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:40,640
(CHUCKLES)

562
00:28:40,680 --> 00:28:44,040
..a lemon squeezer
was a chartered accountant?

563
00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:45,920
What would you do there?

564
00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:49,040
I think you've got
out of your depth, sir. So...

565
00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:51,080
(APPLAUSE)
Then...

566
00:28:52,640 --> 00:28:55,840
He's a plant, people at home
are going, "He's a plant, that man.

567
00:28:55,880 --> 00:28:58,680
He's an actor.
I've seen him in Coronation Street."

568
00:28:58,720 --> 00:29:00,600
So...

569
00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:02,440
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

570
00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:04,680
(CHUCKLES) Then...

571
00:29:04,720 --> 00:29:06,640
And he knows that she's a man

572
00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:09,200
if she's writing about things
men are interested in, you know.

573
00:29:09,240 --> 00:29:13,440
Like fuse boxes or who would win in
a fight between a shark and a zombie?

574
00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:16,800
That's what men like. The laughter's
fading away a bit, isn't it?

575
00:29:16,840 --> 00:29:20,120
I think it's cos the momentum
of the routine was somewhat derailed.

576
00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:22,440
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
But it may be...

577
00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:26,200
It may be... (CHUCKLES)

578
00:29:27,040 --> 00:29:30,000
It's out of date now, innit?
It's irrelevant, that kind of stuff.

579
00:29:30,040 --> 00:29:31,840
It's irrelevant, that routine.

580
00:29:31,880 --> 00:29:33,920
Because everything's gone woke now,
hasn't it?

581
00:29:33,960 --> 00:29:36,400
I don't know if you've noticed.
Everything's gone woke,

582
00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:38,560
and these days...
Look, I know it has,

583
00:29:38,600 --> 00:29:42,760
because I saw Liz Truss talking about
it to some neo-Nazis in America.

584
00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:45,360
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
So everything's gone woke, hasn't it?

585
00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:47,800
Oh dear. And...

586
00:29:47,840 --> 00:29:51,400
these days people...
It's all gone woke.

587
00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:53,880
People are allowed to write
about whatever they like,

588
00:29:53,920 --> 00:29:55,560
irrespective of their gender.

589
00:29:55,600 --> 00:29:57,680
It's all wrong, isn't it, sir?
It's all wrong.

590
00:29:57,720 --> 00:30:00,400
And it was better...
It's a shame, isn't it?

591
00:30:00,440 --> 00:30:02,360
Cos he, we're cutting across
to this man

592
00:30:02,400 --> 00:30:04,920
for all the responses about sexism.

593
00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:07,920
But he's sat next to a man
who hasn't laughed once at anything.

594
00:30:07,960 --> 00:30:10,160
And he's gonna be in all the shots,
isn't he.

595
00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:13,320
Grey haired,
judgemental haunted figure.

596
00:30:13,360 --> 00:30:15,360
Like a... Like a...

597
00:30:16,840 --> 00:30:19,360
..premonition of my own death
in a big coat.

598
00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:21,600
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

599
00:30:21,640 --> 00:30:27,160
Fucking nightclub bouncer
and Ingmar Bergman's death,

600
00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:30,920
from The Seventh Seal.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

601
00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:36,720
And then Sid The Sexist next
to a fucking ridiculous trio of...

602
00:30:38,040 --> 00:30:40,040
The three main kinds of men,
actually.

603
00:30:40,080 --> 00:30:42,080
So...

604
00:30:43,440 --> 00:30:45,960
These days,
people are allowed to write

605
00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:48,840
about whatever they like, aren't
they? Irrespective of their gender.

606
00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:51,480
It was better in the old days,
you knew where you were, didn't you?

607
00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:53,280
You went in the bookshops,
in the '70s.

608
00:30:53,320 --> 00:30:56,000
Not in Salford, there weren't any,
there was just things on fire.

609
00:30:56,040 --> 00:30:59,360
You went in... Better, though,
wasn't it, in those days?

610
00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:01,640
Because you could leave
your door open

611
00:31:01,680 --> 00:31:04,160
cos you didn't even have one,
it had been smashed in.

612
00:31:04,200 --> 00:31:06,200
And...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

613
00:31:07,920 --> 00:31:10,440
..you could...

614
00:31:10,480 --> 00:31:13,280
How interested are people
from other parts of the country

615
00:31:13,320 --> 00:31:16,280
gonna be in this?
I don't think so. But um...

616
00:31:16,320 --> 00:31:18,520
"I don't live in Salford.
I don't want to know about it.

617
00:31:18,560 --> 00:31:21,080
Talk about London like the others."
So...

618
00:31:21,120 --> 00:31:23,320
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

619
00:31:23,360 --> 00:31:25,880
You knew where you were,
didn't you, in the old days?

620
00:31:25,920 --> 00:31:27,400
You went in the bookshop.

621
00:31:27,440 --> 00:31:30,080
Women's books in the '70s,
they were pink, weren't they?

622
00:31:30,120 --> 00:31:31,840
With curly writing on them

623
00:31:31,880 --> 00:31:34,640
and a pastel drawing of a woman
crying into a bowl.

624
00:31:34,680 --> 00:31:36,320
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

625
00:31:36,360 --> 00:31:38,480
And men's books,
they were black, weren't they?

626
00:31:38,520 --> 00:31:41,360
Or red, some of them,
with block capital letters on them

627
00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:44,000
and a photograph of Hitler
being castrated.

628
00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:47,920
Now, I went in a bookshop the other
day, the book was green.

629
00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:49,960
What the fuck's that all about?

630
00:31:51,080 --> 00:31:54,680
It had Hitler on the front, yeah,
but he was like a cartoon character.

631
00:31:54,720 --> 00:31:57,480
He was on holiday with loads
of grapes, geese following him.

632
00:31:57,520 --> 00:32:00,280
What the fuck's going on?
I don't want to read that! So...

633
00:32:02,480 --> 00:32:04,920
I don't want to read that.
So what I'm saying is...

634
00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:08,000
Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall,
from earlier, you remember.

635
00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:11,080
That's why you can't come in late
and wander about.

636
00:32:12,080 --> 00:32:15,160
He's... If he's gonna write
about different things,

637
00:32:15,200 --> 00:32:17,760
he should flag it up.
So when he writes about veg,

638
00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:20,760
he should call himself
Hugh Fearnleaf-Whittingstall.

639
00:32:20,800 --> 00:32:22,720
And when he writes about meat,

640
00:32:22,760 --> 00:32:25,720
he should call himself
Hugh-man Placentas Are Delicious.

641
00:32:25,760 --> 00:32:27,960
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

642
00:32:29,760 --> 00:32:32,760
So some material there,
17 minutes of material there.

643
00:32:33,560 --> 00:32:35,440
Sometimes runs a bit longer,
that bit.

644
00:32:35,480 --> 00:32:39,280
The JK Rowling bit didn't quite land
like it usually does tonight.

645
00:32:39,320 --> 00:32:41,840
The beauty of that routine, to me,

646
00:32:41,880 --> 00:32:45,080
is that I never make clear
what it isn't about.

647
00:32:45,120 --> 00:32:46,960
The problem tonight is a lot of you

648
00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:49,160
didn't realise what it
wasn't about anyway.

649
00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:51,200
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

650
00:32:53,680 --> 00:32:55,680
So...

651
00:32:57,360 --> 00:32:59,640
..we're about halfway through now.

652
00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:03,080
And so far we've seen a definition
of stand-up comedy, haven't we?

653
00:33:03,120 --> 00:33:05,040
That was good. And then...

654
00:33:05,080 --> 00:33:06,960
It was. And then...

655
00:33:07,000 --> 00:33:08,880
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

656
00:33:08,920 --> 00:33:10,920
We saw...

657
00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:15,800
And then we saw some stand-up comedy
being invented, didn't we?

658
00:33:15,840 --> 00:33:18,480
In front of your menacing,
threatening faces.

659
00:33:18,520 --> 00:33:20,600
And...

660
00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:24,960
And later on in the show,

661
00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:27,560
we're gonna see something quite
impressive, actually.

662
00:33:27,600 --> 00:33:31,360
We're going to see how I am able
to give stand-up comedy

663
00:33:31,400 --> 00:33:34,320
a genuine emotional weight
and depth.

664
00:33:34,360 --> 00:33:37,440
And we're gonna see
how stand-up comedy is delivered.

665
00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:41,080
I've not been delivering it so far,
I've just been saying it.

666
00:33:41,120 --> 00:33:44,240
And you should notice
a real gear shift later in the show.

667
00:33:53,240 --> 00:33:55,920
One of the great things
about the way stand-up is delivered

668
00:33:55,960 --> 00:33:58,080
is you can address the audience
directly, can't you?

669
00:33:58,120 --> 00:34:00,440
You can address the audience
directly. People love that.

670
00:34:00,480 --> 00:34:02,800
Bald man with glasses there.
Bald man with a beard there.

671
00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:04,920
Bald man with a beard
and glasses there.

672
00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:08,520
Bald man with glasses there.
Bald man with a beard there.

673
00:34:08,560 --> 00:34:11,000
Bald man with a beard there.
Bald man with a beard there.

674
00:34:11,040 --> 00:34:12,960
Bald man with glasses there.

675
00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:14,719
Bald man there with a beard.
Bald man.

676
00:34:14,760 --> 00:34:17,199
Bald man there.
Bald man with a beard.

677
00:34:17,239 --> 00:34:19,360
Bald man with a beard and glasses.
Bald man.

678
00:34:19,400 --> 00:34:21,400
The classic
Stuart Lee audience there.

679
00:34:21,440 --> 00:34:24,159
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUSE)
That we've seen...

680
00:34:25,639 --> 00:34:28,320
..repeated night after night
all round the country.

681
00:34:28,360 --> 00:34:30,239
Looking like nothing so much

682
00:34:30,280 --> 00:34:33,080
as a group of disappointed
sub-postmasters...

683
00:34:33,120 --> 00:34:35,920
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

684
00:34:35,960 --> 00:34:39,080
..vainly waiting for the justice
that will never come.

685
00:34:39,120 --> 00:34:41,320
It will never come, that justice.

686
00:34:41,360 --> 00:34:43,639
You can talk to the audience
directly. People love that.

687
00:34:43,679 --> 00:34:45,920
Man in the third row,
what's that on your T-shirt there?

688
00:34:45,960 --> 00:34:48,639
Sort of like some kind of mountain
or something?

689
00:34:48,679 --> 00:34:51,280
It's a mountain, yeah.
And what do the words...

690
00:34:51,320 --> 00:34:53,600
What do the words say on it?

691
00:34:53,639 --> 00:34:56,480
MAN: Original.
Original what?

692
00:34:56,520 --> 00:34:58,520
Original mountain?

693
00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:02,920
You've just come out not knowing
what that is. It could mean anything.

694
00:35:02,960 --> 00:35:05,960
Well, is it...
a brand of something? No.

695
00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:08,120
It's just a mountain
with "original" written on it.

696
00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:10,360
See, I've done this show...

697
00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:12,720
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

698
00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:15,800
..two hundred times now. Normally,
I'll point at someone's T-shirt.

699
00:35:15,840 --> 00:35:17,920
They know what it means.

700
00:35:17,960 --> 00:35:20,200
And then...

701
00:35:20,240 --> 00:35:22,400
I'm able to have
some fun interaction with them.

702
00:35:22,440 --> 00:35:24,520
But it's very misleading
when a man comes out

703
00:35:24,560 --> 00:35:28,200
strewn with images and symbols
and words that mean nothing to him.

704
00:35:29,520 --> 00:35:31,960
"I don't know what that means.
I'll put it on."

705
00:35:33,520 --> 00:35:36,760
What's that on your T-shirt there,
sir? What does that say?

706
00:35:36,800 --> 00:35:38,960
MAN 2: It says Brand New.
It says Brand New?

707
00:35:39,000 --> 00:35:42,000
It's a band.Oh, the band,
the band is called Brand New.

708
00:35:42,040 --> 00:35:44,120
But is the T-shirt brand new
as well?No.

709
00:35:44,160 --> 00:35:46,800
No. It's misleading, isn't it?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

710
00:35:47,640 --> 00:35:49,440
If I saw you wearing that,

711
00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:51,160
I'd come up to you and go,
is that brand new?

712
00:35:51,200 --> 00:35:53,440
And you'd go, "Yes."
And I'd go, "When did you get it?"

713
00:35:53,480 --> 00:35:55,720
You'd go, "Three years ago."
I'd go, "What do you mean?"

714
00:35:55,760 --> 00:35:57,560
And you'd go,
"It's a band called Brand New."

715
00:35:57,600 --> 00:35:59,720
And I'd go, "Oh." So...

716
00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:03,560
What's that on your T-shirt, sir?

717
00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:04,880
MAN 3: Catalonian.

718
00:36:04,920 --> 00:36:06,920
Catalonian?Yeah.
What does that mean?

719
00:36:06,960 --> 00:36:08,720
Pep Guardiola.

720
00:36:08,760 --> 00:36:11,040
What?
Pep Guardiola.

721
00:36:11,080 --> 00:36:13,520
Cat Graviola? (LAUGHTER)

722
00:36:14,720 --> 00:36:17,040
Pet Graviola.

723
00:36:17,080 --> 00:36:19,600
I've got hearing aids.
Look, I don't know...

724
00:36:19,640 --> 00:36:21,600
I can't understand
what you're saying.

725
00:36:21,640 --> 00:36:23,840
It says...
Pep Guardiola.

726
00:36:23,880 --> 00:36:25,640
Pet Gladiola.

727
00:36:25,680 --> 00:36:27,680
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

728
00:36:28,640 --> 00:36:32,480
It says Catalonian and now
you're saying Pet Gladiola.

729
00:36:33,320 --> 00:36:35,240
What does it say? What is it?

730
00:36:35,280 --> 00:36:37,760
It's a man
in a kind of lift shaft with a...

731
00:36:39,400 --> 00:36:43,400
That's the shadow of who?
Pet Gradiola. Who's he?

732
00:36:46,240 --> 00:36:48,840
The Catalonian.
Is that a...? What is that?

733
00:36:50,520 --> 00:36:52,960
What is it?
He's from Catalonia, in't he.

734
00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:55,560
I know he's from Catalonia, yeah.

735
00:36:55,600 --> 00:36:59,240
One would hope so, unless he's as
misleading as some of these people.

736
00:37:00,320 --> 00:37:03,760
The Catalonian. Well,
what does he do, this Catalonian man?

737
00:37:03,800 --> 00:37:05,960
He's what?
He's a football manager.

738
00:37:06,000 --> 00:37:09,480
He's a football manager.
Pet Gladiola is a football manager.

739
00:37:09,520 --> 00:37:11,480
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Right.

740
00:37:14,040 --> 00:37:16,040
It's a shame...

741
00:37:17,480 --> 00:37:21,120
It's a shame we're filming this cos
that's the shittest that's ever gone.

742
00:37:21,160 --> 00:37:23,160
Fucking...

743
00:37:24,840 --> 00:37:26,840
A load of people in Salford.

744
00:37:29,280 --> 00:37:32,160
What's that? He says in desperation.

745
00:37:32,200 --> 00:37:34,160
You with a beard, what's that say?

746
00:37:34,200 --> 00:37:37,200
MAN 4: It says Explorer.Explorer.
Are you an explorer, are you?

747
00:37:37,240 --> 00:37:39,600
Or do you not even know what that is?

748
00:37:39,640 --> 00:37:41,640
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

749
00:37:43,440 --> 00:37:47,440
It's a great isn't it, towards the
audience, people love it. There's...

750
00:37:48,560 --> 00:37:50,480
This is supposed to be sold out
as well.

751
00:37:50,520 --> 00:37:52,880
There's an empty seat there,
there's two there.

752
00:37:52,920 --> 00:37:55,880
Three there, rather unhelpfully,
in the front row.

753
00:37:55,920 --> 00:37:57,680
They'll be watching that,
won't they?

754
00:37:57,720 --> 00:37:59,800
The...
Jimmy Carr and people like that.

755
00:37:59,840 --> 00:38:02,640
Going, "Look, there's no one there."

756
00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:07,440
And... You've scared them off
cos you symbolise death.

757
00:38:07,480 --> 00:38:09,480
People won't come there.

758
00:38:12,640 --> 00:38:15,160
They're worried you're gonna
challenge them to a game of chess

759
00:38:15,200 --> 00:38:17,240
and then it'll all be over. So...

760
00:38:17,280 --> 00:38:20,000
Yes, I'm improvising
around an Ingmar Bergman film.

761
00:38:20,040 --> 00:38:22,320
Yeah, that's what you get off me.
So I don't know...

762
00:38:22,360 --> 00:38:24,080
I don't know anything about football.

763
00:38:24,120 --> 00:38:27,080
I know
about Scandinavian art house cinema.

764
00:38:27,120 --> 00:38:29,160
Not a man called Pet Gladioli.

765
00:38:29,200 --> 00:38:31,200
So I...

766
00:38:32,360 --> 00:38:34,960
There's always weird empty seats
when I'm sold out.

767
00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:36,680
What it is with me,

768
00:38:36,720 --> 00:38:38,880
is I'm coming to a place
and people don't know who I am,

769
00:38:38,920 --> 00:38:40,840
and they look in the brochure
and they go,

770
00:38:40,880 --> 00:38:44,440
"Should I go and see this Stewart
Lee? Should I go and see him?"

771
00:38:44,480 --> 00:38:48,320
And then their friends go,
"Yeah... you should go and see him."

772
00:38:48,360 --> 00:38:51,040
Really, it's the sort of thing
that you SHOULD,

773
00:38:51,080 --> 00:38:53,560
you SHOULD go and see.

774
00:38:53,600 --> 00:38:57,440
Like it's a necessary
but unenjoyable experience, you know.

775
00:38:57,480 --> 00:38:59,640
A bit like when you're on holiday
in Eastern Europe

776
00:38:59,680 --> 00:39:02,160
and you're having a really
great time, but just down the road,

777
00:39:02,200 --> 00:39:05,880
there's the scene of some awful
World War II atrocity, you know.

778
00:39:07,680 --> 00:39:11,000
And your partner goes, "We should,
we should go and see that really,

779
00:39:11,040 --> 00:39:13,840
because we're... we're here."

780
00:39:13,880 --> 00:39:16,720
And then you go, "Well,
I'm in the sea. I'm having a..."

781
00:39:16,760 --> 00:39:20,280
"Well, we're here.
We should, we've come."

782
00:39:20,320 --> 00:39:23,600
"I've got a pina colada."
"We should go and see it."

783
00:39:23,640 --> 00:39:25,760
And then you go and see it,
don't you? And it's awful.

784
00:39:25,800 --> 00:39:29,720
And it makes you despair of all
humanity. And you have a horrible...

785
00:39:29,760 --> 00:39:32,760
And I'm the that of comedy,
basically.

786
00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:34,800
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And...

787
00:39:36,480 --> 00:39:38,600
So has anyone come
on their own tonight?

788
00:39:38,640 --> 00:39:41,720
(WOMAN WOOS) Yes,
congratulations yelping person there.

789
00:39:41,760 --> 00:39:45,320
Congrat... Give this person a clap
for coming on their own.

790
00:39:45,360 --> 00:39:48,120
(APPLAUSE)
Very admirable.

791
00:39:48,160 --> 00:39:49,920
There's no shame in it.

792
00:39:49,960 --> 00:39:51,960
Do you find, as you get older...

793
00:39:52,000 --> 00:39:55,240
What I think, as you get older, you
prefer going to things on your own,

794
00:39:55,280 --> 00:39:59,000
cos you're not really interested in
what anyone else thinks of anything.

795
00:39:59,040 --> 00:40:01,720
You're one of tonight's winners.
You can just go, can't you?

796
00:40:01,760 --> 00:40:04,240
But all these other people,
they've got to wander out,

797
00:40:04,280 --> 00:40:06,960
listening to people going,
"I thought that the best bit..."

798
00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:10,000
The fuck, who fucking cares?

799
00:40:10,040 --> 00:40:12,040
We're not interested. Shut up!

800
00:40:13,120 --> 00:40:15,760
Anyway, it's great talking
to the audience. People love it.

801
00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:18,040
And...

802
00:40:18,080 --> 00:40:21,240
When you're really good at it,
like I am, people forget...

803
00:40:21,280 --> 00:40:22,920
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

804
00:40:22,960 --> 00:40:25,320
Pet Gladioli, yeah.

805
00:40:25,360 --> 00:40:28,120
People forget... (CHUCKLES)

806
00:40:28,160 --> 00:40:30,720
that they're... even in a show,

807
00:40:30,760 --> 00:40:33,040
and they just think
they're having a conversation.

808
00:40:33,080 --> 00:40:36,120
But it's a conversation
in which the other people

809
00:40:36,160 --> 00:40:39,440
are not really invited
to contribute anything at all.

810
00:40:39,480 --> 00:40:42,960
So it's a bit like the sort
of conversation that you might hear

811
00:40:43,000 --> 00:40:46,440
on an edition of Richard Herring's
podcast, if you've heard of that.

812
00:40:46,480 --> 00:40:47,960
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

813
00:40:48,000 --> 00:40:52,280
Come on, it's a good podcast,
don't be rude. It's a good...

814
00:40:52,320 --> 00:40:55,280
It is a good podcast because
it's always interesting, isn't it,

815
00:40:55,320 --> 00:40:58,880
to hear a string
of talented young people

816
00:40:58,920 --> 00:41:00,920
listening to what he's been
up to this week.

817
00:41:00,960 --> 00:41:04,240
And all the different thoughts
that he's had about things.

818
00:41:05,160 --> 00:41:08,440
So people love...

819
00:41:09,280 --> 00:41:12,040
..talking to the audience. It's
actually a relatively new thing.

820
00:41:12,080 --> 00:41:14,920
When you go out now,
to anything, comedy, music,

821
00:41:14,960 --> 00:41:17,640
you'd expect to be addressed,
wouldn't you, by someone?

822
00:41:17,680 --> 00:41:21,080
If you went to see Pet Gladioli
doing a talk, then he might go,

823
00:41:21,120 --> 00:41:23,360
(BAD CATALONIAN ACCENT)
Hello, I am Pet Gladioli.

824
00:41:23,400 --> 00:41:25,400
Well, what...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

825
00:41:25,440 --> 00:41:28,000
What is that on your t-shirt?

826
00:41:28,040 --> 00:41:30,160
(REGULAR VOICE) And you'd expect...

827
00:41:32,000 --> 00:41:34,840
That won't make the cut, will it?
That won't make the cut.

828
00:41:34,880 --> 00:41:37,480
It's racist. It's racist.

829
00:41:37,520 --> 00:41:40,800
They don't sound like that, do they,
the people of Catalonia? No.

830
00:41:40,840 --> 00:41:43,360
No one knows what they sound like.

831
00:41:43,400 --> 00:41:45,400
So...

832
00:41:46,600 --> 00:41:48,720
(CHUCKLES)

833
00:41:48,760 --> 00:41:50,960
Why...

834
00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:53,600
So what...

835
00:41:53,640 --> 00:41:56,480
You expect to be addressed,
don't you, madam? Yes, you expect it.

836
00:41:56,520 --> 00:41:59,520
But it's actually a relatively
new thing. And believe it or not,

837
00:41:59,560 --> 00:42:02,960
no one had actually addressed
an audience directly like this

838
00:42:03,000 --> 00:42:05,480
in any form of the arts,
whether it's theatre, or television,

839
00:42:05,520 --> 00:42:08,520
or anything, before 2016.

840
00:42:08,560 --> 00:42:11,400
That was the first time that...

841
00:42:11,440 --> 00:42:14,000
Well, I expect you to be suspicious,
yes, madam.

842
00:42:14,040 --> 00:42:16,520
You're going, "This is either wrong

843
00:42:16,560 --> 00:42:19,720
or it's a set-up
for a very long routine."

844
00:42:19,760 --> 00:42:21,840
And it's the latter, isn't it? So...

845
00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:25,000
No one...

846
00:42:26,800 --> 00:42:30,440
No one had addressed an audience
directly like this before 2016.

847
00:42:30,480 --> 00:42:32,520
No one. And the first person ever

848
00:42:32,560 --> 00:42:35,760
to address an audience directly
in 2016,

849
00:42:35,800 --> 00:42:37,840
it was Phoebe Waller-Bridge,
wasn't it?

850
00:42:37,880 --> 00:42:40,120
from the programme Fleabag.

851
00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:42,360
She invented it. Didn't she?

852
00:42:42,400 --> 00:42:45,520
Yes, man with a beard. And no one...
Didn't she, stripy red man?

853
00:42:45,560 --> 00:42:48,840
And no one had ever addressed
an audience directly before.

854
00:42:48,880 --> 00:42:50,600
And she invented it in Fleabag,

855
00:42:50,640 --> 00:42:53,600
and she was rightly given acres
of broadsheet newspaper coverage

856
00:42:53,640 --> 00:42:55,840
and a James Bond script-writing deal,

857
00:42:55,880 --> 00:42:57,800
and billions of dollars
of Netflix money.

858
00:42:57,840 --> 00:43:02,240
Because no one had ever spoken
to an audience directly before.

859
00:43:02,280 --> 00:43:05,240
Had they, madam? No.
Had they, Ingmar Bergman's death?

860
00:43:05,280 --> 00:43:07,240
No, no one had ever done it.

861
00:43:07,280 --> 00:43:09,880
And she invented it.

862
00:43:09,920 --> 00:43:13,200
And there certainly hadn't been
a long-running proletariat art form

863
00:43:13,240 --> 00:43:14,880
running many hundreds of years,

864
00:43:14,920 --> 00:43:17,800
in which the audience were routinely
addressed on a nightly basis

865
00:43:17,840 --> 00:43:21,040
in venues that appeared to have been
purpose-built to accommodate that.

866
00:43:21,080 --> 00:43:22,840
Well, of course, there had been.

867
00:43:22,880 --> 00:43:25,120
There was pantomime,
variety, stand-up.

868
00:43:25,160 --> 00:43:27,000
But the problem with all those genres

869
00:43:27,040 --> 00:43:30,360
is they were performed and consumed
principally by working-class people,

870
00:43:30,400 --> 00:43:34,000
and they weren't educated enough to
realise how innovative they'd been.

871
00:43:34,040 --> 00:43:36,240
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUSE)

872
00:43:36,280 --> 00:43:38,240
They were too busy...

873
00:43:38,280 --> 00:43:41,440
just spilling Bovril
all down themselves...

874
00:43:41,480 --> 00:43:43,840
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

875
00:43:43,880 --> 00:43:45,880
..and appraising greyhounds.

876
00:43:45,920 --> 00:43:47,920
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

877
00:43:49,000 --> 00:43:52,600
And it took a posh,
educated woman to come along

878
00:43:52,640 --> 00:43:55,040
and explain to them
what they'd been doing,

879
00:43:55,080 --> 00:43:58,360
cos they didn't even understand
what it was that they'd done.

880
00:43:58,400 --> 00:44:00,320
And it changed everything, didn't it,

881
00:44:00,360 --> 00:44:04,400
when Phoebe Waller-Bridge addressed
the audience directly in Fleabag.

882
00:44:04,440 --> 00:44:06,120
It changed everything. And, like me,

883
00:44:06,160 --> 00:44:07,960
you can probably remember
where you were

884
00:44:08,000 --> 00:44:12,640
when you saw the first
episode of Fleabag.

885
00:44:12,680 --> 00:44:16,760
I remember I was at home watching
the first episode of Fleabag.

886
00:44:18,760 --> 00:44:21,720
I like to watch the new comedy shows
as soon as they're broadcast,

887
00:44:21,760 --> 00:44:25,200
so I can save time by dismissing them
out of hand immediately.

888
00:44:25,240 --> 00:44:27,360
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

889
00:44:27,400 --> 00:44:29,680
And it started, didn't it,
the first episode of Fleabag.

890
00:44:29,720 --> 00:44:32,920
You probably remember,
Fleabag was lying in bed, wasn't she?

891
00:44:32,960 --> 00:44:35,360
And there was a young man behind her,
sir, like you,

892
00:44:35,400 --> 00:44:37,920
but he wasn't wearing
a Pet Gladioli T-shirt.

893
00:44:39,000 --> 00:44:41,800
(CHUCKLES) He was wearing nothing.

894
00:44:41,840 --> 00:44:43,440
And he was wriggling about,

895
00:44:43,480 --> 00:44:45,640
making a lustful face,
you probably remember.

896
00:44:45,680 --> 00:44:47,840
And then suddenly,
an amazing thing happened.

897
00:44:47,880 --> 00:44:50,120
It was incredible,
like the moon landings it was.

898
00:44:50,160 --> 00:44:53,920
Fleabag looked up directly
into the camera, didn't she?

899
00:44:53,960 --> 00:44:56,960
Do you remember that?
No one had ever done that before.

900
00:44:57,960 --> 00:45:00,560
I'm like, "What the fuck?
What's going on here?"

901
00:45:01,600 --> 00:45:03,680
It was incredible.

902
00:45:03,720 --> 00:45:05,840
Then suddenly, she spoke to us.
Do you remember...

903
00:45:05,880 --> 00:45:08,080
She spoke to us directly, didn't she?
She went...

904
00:45:08,120 --> 00:45:12,360
(NASALLY VOICE)
"Hello. My name's Fleabag.

905
00:45:14,120 --> 00:45:17,080
And I'm afraid
I've been rather naughty

906
00:45:17,120 --> 00:45:20,600
and you have just caught me
having anal sex.

907
00:45:20,640 --> 00:45:23,240
(NORMAL VOICE)
I went, "What's going on?"

908
00:45:23,280 --> 00:45:25,280
I was freaking out.

909
00:45:25,320 --> 00:45:28,680
I thought she could see me
through the television.

910
00:45:29,760 --> 00:45:32,200
So I jumped up,
I put my trousers back on, sir...

911
00:45:33,160 --> 00:45:35,160
..and I realise...

912
00:45:36,080 --> 00:45:39,600
..nothing was ever gonna be
the same again, was it?

913
00:45:39,640 --> 00:45:41,480
No! And it wasn't.

914
00:45:41,520 --> 00:45:43,400
And suddenly people
were being addressed

915
00:45:43,440 --> 00:45:46,840
right, left and centre, weren't they?
In film, theatre, television.

916
00:45:46,880 --> 00:45:49,800
But do you remember what it used
to be like in the pre-Fleabag days,

917
00:45:49,840 --> 00:45:52,560
before Phoebe Waller-Bridge invented
talking to the audience?

918
00:45:52,600 --> 00:45:54,360
Do you remember?
It was rubbish, wasn't it?

919
00:45:54,400 --> 00:45:56,840
Do you remember
the news in the 1970s?

920
00:45:58,120 --> 00:46:01,280
Angela Rippon was under the desk,
wasn't she, in a...

921
00:46:01,320 --> 00:46:05,360
in a hessian sack, just...
just mumbling, going like this.

922
00:46:05,400 --> 00:46:07,560
(MANCUNIAN ACCENT)
"That fucking Colonel Gaddafi.

923
00:46:07,600 --> 00:46:12,200
What a fucking bastard.
Colonel Gaddafi, the fucking...

924
00:46:12,240 --> 00:46:15,480
Hey! Have you seen
this fucking Colonel Gaddafi?!

925
00:46:15,520 --> 00:46:19,880
Have you seen him? Colonel,
fucking Colonel Gaddafi. Hey!

926
00:46:19,920 --> 00:46:22,400
(NORMAL VOICE) Angela Rippon
there from GB News.

927
00:46:22,440 --> 00:46:24,200
Do you remember?

928
00:46:24,240 --> 00:46:25,840
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUSE)

929
00:46:25,880 --> 00:46:28,320
Good impression, that.
Do you remember...

930
00:46:29,560 --> 00:46:32,560
When she was young.
She's not like that now.

931
00:46:32,600 --> 00:46:34,480
When... Do you remember?

932
00:46:34,520 --> 00:46:36,160
You remember her, don't you?

933
00:46:36,200 --> 00:46:39,840
On Morecambe and Wise with her legs.
Do you remember?

934
00:46:40,680 --> 00:46:42,560
She had legs,
no one could believe it.

935
00:46:42,600 --> 00:46:45,600
Thought she was just some stumps
being wheeled around.

936
00:46:45,640 --> 00:46:48,280
So... (CHUCKLES)

937
00:46:48,320 --> 00:46:50,120
Do you remember?

938
00:46:50,160 --> 00:46:52,000
She's got legs,
people couldn't believe it.

939
00:46:52,040 --> 00:46:53,600
Do you remember... Oh,

940
00:46:53,640 --> 00:46:55,720
do you remember
what the weather forecast was like

941
00:46:55,760 --> 00:46:58,200
before Fleabag invented
talking to the audience?

942
00:46:58,240 --> 00:47:00,040
It was rubbish, wasn't it?

943
00:47:00,080 --> 00:47:03,360
Michael Fish was...
He wasn't a real fish, madam.

944
00:47:03,400 --> 00:47:05,560
he was just a man called
Michael Fish.

945
00:47:05,600 --> 00:47:07,520
Not like Mickey Mouse.
Do you understand?

946
00:47:07,560 --> 00:47:09,680
Michael Fish...

947
00:47:09,720 --> 00:47:13,280
He wasn't a real fish,
if there's any children at home.

948
00:47:13,320 --> 00:47:15,880
Michael Fish was...

949
00:47:15,920 --> 00:47:20,040
He was behind the weather map,
wasn't he? Reaching round.

950
00:47:22,160 --> 00:47:24,120
He's going,
"What's this? Is it fog, Jeff?

951
00:47:24,160 --> 00:47:27,560
Is it fog or wind?
I can't see, can I?

952
00:47:27,600 --> 00:47:30,960
Cos it's not... Looking
at the audience hasn't been invented.

953
00:47:31,000 --> 00:47:34,080
You'll have to cut the felt more
accurately in future. I don't know."

954
00:47:34,120 --> 00:47:36,680
It was rubbish, wasn't it?
The weather in those days.

955
00:47:36,720 --> 00:47:40,040
Do you remember what stand-up used
to be like in the pre-Fleabag times?

956
00:47:40,080 --> 00:47:42,000
It was terrible.
I remember my first gig,

957
00:47:42,040 --> 00:47:46,600
the Acton Banana,
Acton High Street, September 1989.

958
00:47:46,640 --> 00:47:48,600
I was called on by the compere.

959
00:47:48,640 --> 00:47:50,960
I shuffled along the back wall...

960
00:47:52,240 --> 00:47:55,760
..as everyone did
in the pre-Fleabag times,

961
00:47:55,800 --> 00:47:57,920
taking care
not to address the audience

962
00:47:57,960 --> 00:48:00,800
because Phoebe Waller-Bridge
hadn't invented it.

963
00:48:01,640 --> 00:48:03,680
I did my act.
(REPEATS OPENING BIT AT DOUBLE SPEED)

964
00:48:03,720 --> 00:48:05,360
"Hello.
Annoying being alive, isn't it?

965
00:48:05,400 --> 00:48:07,400
Last Sunday at 6:30
there was a knock at my door...

966
00:48:07,440 --> 00:48:10,120
born-again Christian evangelists.
'What is the question?'

967
00:48:10,160 --> 00:48:12,680
'Is it for which role was Robert
Powell nominated for a BAFTA?'

968
00:48:12,720 --> 00:48:15,560
'No.' 'Can I guess again?'
'Yeah.' 'I was born in 0 BC...'

969
00:48:15,600 --> 00:48:17,720
It's rubbish isn't it? It's rubbish.

970
00:48:18,920 --> 00:48:22,080
Cos I can't see the audience.

971
00:48:22,120 --> 00:48:24,640
I can't read the room, it's terrible.

972
00:48:24,680 --> 00:48:27,920
But that's what everything
was like before Fleabag invented...

973
00:48:27,960 --> 00:48:30,040
talking to the audience.

974
00:48:31,480 --> 00:48:35,400
I remember that night I was walking
home after my first ever gig.

975
00:48:35,440 --> 00:48:38,920
Up Horn Lane in Acton,
I was 21 years old.

976
00:48:38,960 --> 00:48:41,080
I'd done one gig,

977
00:48:41,120 --> 00:48:43,520
and I was already thinking to myself,

978
00:48:43,560 --> 00:48:45,920
"There has to be a better
way of doing this."

979
00:48:45,960 --> 00:48:48,440
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

980
00:48:48,480 --> 00:48:50,880
I wasn't sure what it was, Salford.

981
00:48:50,920 --> 00:48:53,480
I suspected it might have
something to do

982
00:48:53,520 --> 00:48:56,960
with the relative positioning
of audience and performer.

983
00:48:57,000 --> 00:48:59,000
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)

984
00:49:02,640 --> 00:49:04,640
But I wasn't sure, right?

985
00:49:04,680 --> 00:49:06,400
But the main thing is,

986
00:49:06,440 --> 00:49:09,520
I was 21 years old, I'd done one gig,

987
00:49:09,560 --> 00:49:14,000
and I was already thinking
outside the box, yeah?

988
00:49:15,320 --> 00:49:18,280
Now, if you've been coming
to see me these last...

989
00:49:19,080 --> 00:49:21,160
..thirty-five years or so,

990
00:49:21,200 --> 00:49:23,000
in Salford, Manchester.

991
00:49:23,040 --> 00:49:25,480
You'll know
that I've always been regarded

992
00:49:25,520 --> 00:49:28,040
as something of an innovator,
an iconoclast.

993
00:49:29,480 --> 00:49:32,400
And if you're a woman who's been
brought here tonight by a man,

994
00:49:32,440 --> 00:49:34,840
he will have explained
that to you on the way here.

995
00:49:34,880 --> 00:49:36,880
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

996
00:49:41,040 --> 00:49:42,520
He'll have gone,

997
00:49:42,560 --> 00:49:45,880
(POSH ACCENT) "Yeah, my favourite,
uh, comedian actually.

998
00:49:48,960 --> 00:49:52,040
Uh, there's a guy called Stewart Lee.

999
00:49:56,360 --> 00:49:59,040
No, you won't have heard of him
because he's...

1000
00:49:59,080 --> 00:50:01,840
he's not on all
the kind of shit you watch."

1001
00:50:01,880 --> 00:50:03,680
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1002
00:50:05,080 --> 00:50:07,080
"Stewart Lee.

1003
00:50:07,960 --> 00:50:11,320
Yeah, he's amazing. You'll...
Oh, he's amazing, Stewart Lee.

1004
00:50:11,360 --> 00:50:14,680
When you, you know,
when you've seen Stewart Lee...

1005
00:50:15,560 --> 00:50:17,600
..you will find
you can't really watch

1006
00:50:17,640 --> 00:50:20,040
other stand-up afterwards,
he's amazing.

1007
00:50:21,160 --> 00:50:23,360
Stewart Lee,
no, he's not been on that.

1008
00:50:23,400 --> 00:50:25,760
He wouldn't go on that. But um...

1009
00:50:27,120 --> 00:50:29,960
Stewart Lee. Yeah, he's uh...

1010
00:50:30,800 --> 00:50:34,480
Stewart Lee.
Stewart Lee. Stewart Lee.

1011
00:50:34,520 --> 00:50:37,000
Stewart Lee. It's Stewart...

1012
00:50:37,040 --> 00:50:39,680
No, Stewart Lee. Stewart Lee.

1013
00:50:39,720 --> 00:50:42,400
Stewart Lee. Stewart Lee.

1014
00:50:42,440 --> 00:50:45,200
It's Stewart Lee. Stewart Lee.

1015
00:50:45,240 --> 00:50:47,680
Stewart Lee. It's Stewart Lee.

1016
00:50:48,480 --> 00:50:50,240
Stewart Lee. That's his...

1017
00:50:50,280 --> 00:50:53,000
It's Stewart Lee. Stewart Lee.

1018
00:50:53,040 --> 00:50:55,640
(NASALLY ACCENT) It's Stewart Lee.
It's Stewart Lee.

1019
00:50:55,680 --> 00:51:00,720
(DEEP POSH ACCENT) Oh, yeah, the
first time you've seen Stewart Lee,

1020
00:51:00,760 --> 00:51:03,800
you won't understand
what he's doing at all.

1021
00:51:03,840 --> 00:51:06,000
But...

1022
00:51:06,040 --> 00:51:08,760
by about the 15th time, you'll see...

1023
00:51:09,800 --> 00:51:12,080
..it's very clever.

1024
00:51:12,120 --> 00:51:16,200
What he does is... he comments
on his act as he goes along.

1025
00:51:16,240 --> 00:51:19,600
Often in the character
of another person. It's amazing.

1026
00:51:20,480 --> 00:51:22,800
So yeah, no. He wouldn't go on that.

1027
00:51:22,840 --> 00:51:24,800
He was asked to,
but he's turned it down.

1028
00:51:24,840 --> 00:51:26,800
He's...

1029
00:51:26,840 --> 00:51:28,720
Stewart Lee. Yeah, he's amazing.

1030
00:51:28,760 --> 00:51:31,240
I... Yeah, he's amazing.

1031
00:51:31,280 --> 00:51:33,840
Stewart Lee. Uh, Stewart Lee.
Yeah, Stewart Lee.

1032
00:51:33,880 --> 00:51:36,720
Yeah, Stewart Lee. Yeah.

1033
00:51:36,760 --> 00:51:41,800
I'm not even sure that what
Stewart Lee does is comedy, really.

1034
00:51:41,840 --> 00:51:44,440
It's more like
it's some kind of art.

1035
00:51:44,480 --> 00:51:48,680
Or it's jazz, actually.
It's a kind of like a jazz...

1036
00:51:48,720 --> 00:51:52,240
A bit of ideas.
Not the sound. It's amazing.

1037
00:51:52,280 --> 00:51:55,160
Stewart, no, that's Lee Mack,
he's completely different.

1038
00:51:55,200 --> 00:51:58,120
He's a clown
or something for children.

1039
00:51:58,160 --> 00:52:00,400
So I... So..."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1040
00:52:00,440 --> 00:52:02,800
(CHUCKLES, NORMAL VOICE)
It's true, Mum.

1041
00:52:02,840 --> 00:52:05,600
He's in the Choker Brothers
or something, I don't know.

1042
00:52:05,640 --> 00:52:07,600
But it's um...

1043
00:52:08,440 --> 00:52:11,240
So...

1044
00:52:12,280 --> 00:52:14,000
(POSH ACCENT) "Stewart Lee, yeah.

1045
00:52:14,040 --> 00:52:17,480
I've got tickets for him
at the Salford Lowry on Monday,

1046
00:52:17,520 --> 00:52:19,640
so uh... you should come, actually.

1047
00:52:19,680 --> 00:52:22,120
Cos Monday's a difficult night
for comedy.

1048
00:52:22,160 --> 00:52:24,520
I think he's done
too many dates there.

1049
00:52:24,560 --> 00:52:27,040
A lot of the people
won't really be that into him.

1050
00:52:27,080 --> 00:52:30,160
They won't understand
what their clothes mean.

1051
00:52:30,200 --> 00:52:33,320
And some of them will be

1052
00:52:33,360 --> 00:52:36,000
both physically
and spiritually menacing."

1053
00:52:36,040 --> 00:52:38,200
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
"And um...

1054
00:52:38,240 --> 00:52:41,600
it's sure to be a struggle for him
and it may not go well.

1055
00:52:41,640 --> 00:52:44,120
And that, to me,
is when he's at his best, actually.

1056
00:52:44,160 --> 00:52:45,640
I actually...

1057
00:52:45,680 --> 00:52:49,280
I actually prefer Lee
when it's not working.

1058
00:52:49,320 --> 00:52:52,360
I think it's more interesting.
And it probably won't work on Monday.

1059
00:52:52,400 --> 00:52:55,080
So you should come.
You don't want to come?

1060
00:52:55,120 --> 00:52:59,120
OK, fine. Well...
we'll do something else.

1061
00:52:59,160 --> 00:53:01,560
You don't want to do anything
with me? OK."

1062
00:53:04,280 --> 00:53:08,080
(NORMAL VOICE) Is this a bit close
to home for you, madam, is it? Yeah?

1063
00:53:09,880 --> 00:53:12,360
It is, innit?
There's never a queue for the ladies,

1064
00:53:12,400 --> 00:53:15,040
though, is there, at my shows?
Have you noticed that?

1065
00:53:17,880 --> 00:53:21,040
It's not my fault.
I try to be inclusive.

1066
00:53:21,080 --> 00:53:22,760
You've seen me. The problem is,

1067
00:53:22,800 --> 00:53:25,040
a lot of the women, wives,
girlfriends, partners,

1068
00:53:25,080 --> 00:53:27,120
they don't want to come and see me,
right?

1069
00:53:27,160 --> 00:53:29,840
Because the problem is
a lot of the men that like me,

1070
00:53:29,880 --> 00:53:31,920
they're sort of the same as me. OK?

1071
00:53:35,000 --> 00:53:38,800
So the wives, girlfriends, partners,
grandmothers, they don't want to come

1072
00:53:38,840 --> 00:53:42,840
and see another monotonous,
passive-aggressive man...

1073
00:53:42,880 --> 00:53:44,880
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

1074
00:53:46,840 --> 00:53:50,200
..just waffling on about things.

1075
00:53:51,000 --> 00:53:52,840
But it's worse than at home,
isn't it?

1076
00:53:52,880 --> 00:53:55,600
Cos it's coming through
these massive speakers.

1077
00:53:58,160 --> 00:54:01,480
So you can't just go,
"That's very interesting, dear, yes.

1078
00:54:04,160 --> 00:54:07,240
I've just got to go in the garden,
actually, cos I...

1079
00:54:07,280 --> 00:54:10,040
I think the hedgehog's fallen
in its milk."

1080
00:54:14,360 --> 00:54:17,160
You have my sympathy, ladies.
I know what it's like,

1081
00:54:17,200 --> 00:54:19,440
you're trying to get ready
for bed at night, aren't you?

1082
00:54:19,480 --> 00:54:20,880
You're trying to get in the shower

1083
00:54:20,920 --> 00:54:22,840
or have a talk
about the gas bill or something.

1084
00:54:22,880 --> 00:54:25,360
And he's lying in bed, isn't he?
On his back.

1085
00:54:25,400 --> 00:54:27,560
He's got a laptop on his chest,

1086
00:54:27,600 --> 00:54:30,400
and he's watching little clips of me
on YouTube, isn't he?

1087
00:54:30,440 --> 00:54:32,440
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1088
00:54:33,760 --> 00:54:36,080
And he's going,
"Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.

1089
00:54:37,040 --> 00:54:41,000
Ah! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

1090
00:54:41,040 --> 00:54:43,440
Aah-ha-ha.

1091
00:54:43,480 --> 00:54:47,120
Aah-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ah.

1092
00:54:47,160 --> 00:54:51,640
Oh, God, oh. Oh. Oh, he's a genius."

1093
00:54:51,680 --> 00:54:53,680
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1094
00:54:54,840 --> 00:54:56,840
"And so am I, because I like him."

1095
00:55:02,840 --> 00:55:05,920
And you're going, "Are you watching
that boring bloke again?"

1096
00:55:05,960 --> 00:55:08,200
He goes, "No, not boring, actually.

1097
00:55:08,240 --> 00:55:10,080
But you can't just watch
a minute of it.

1098
00:55:10,120 --> 00:55:12,760
You have to watch
the whole four and a half hours.

1099
00:55:13,680 --> 00:55:16,120
Cos it's all about structure,
like Tolstoy."

1100
00:55:16,160 --> 00:55:17,760
So...

1101
00:55:19,600 --> 00:55:22,120
I know this is the case,
cos they tell me, the women.

1102
00:55:22,160 --> 00:55:25,440
A woman came up to me
in Leeds in May, and she said...

1103
00:55:25,480 --> 00:55:27,800
"I wasn't gonna come
and see you tonight," she said.

1104
00:55:27,840 --> 00:55:30,240
"But I did come.
And do you know what?

1105
00:55:30,280 --> 00:55:32,680
I enjoyed it more
than I thought I would."

1106
00:55:32,720 --> 00:55:34,720
I said,
"Oh, and will you be coming again?"

1107
00:55:34,760 --> 00:55:36,560
And she said, "No."

1108
00:55:36,600 --> 00:55:38,600
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1109
00:55:41,320 --> 00:55:43,400
A woman came up to me
in Edinburgh in August.

1110
00:55:43,440 --> 00:55:46,000
And she said, "Do you know that bit
you've got about JK Rowling?"

1111
00:55:46,040 --> 00:55:47,600
She said,
"I agree with you about that,

1112
00:55:47,640 --> 00:55:49,440
intellectually and morally,"
she said.

1113
00:55:49,480 --> 00:55:51,360
"But all the same,
it's not great, is it?

1114
00:55:51,400 --> 00:55:53,640
To be having a go at someone,

1115
00:55:53,680 --> 00:55:55,840
a successful woman,
for having an opinion.

1116
00:55:55,880 --> 00:55:57,720
And I wondered
what you thought of that."

1117
00:55:57,760 --> 00:56:00,360
And I said, "Well,
I can see where you're coming from.

1118
00:56:00,400 --> 00:56:02,640
I don't know
what I can do about it in that joke."

1119
00:56:02,680 --> 00:56:06,040
And she said, "Well, maybe you can
address it later in the show."

1120
00:56:06,080 --> 00:56:08,400
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1121
00:56:13,560 --> 00:56:15,760
I said,
"I don't think that would work."

1122
00:56:15,800 --> 00:56:17,920
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1123
00:56:27,800 --> 00:56:30,000
You are supposed to talk
to the audience now.

1124
00:56:30,040 --> 00:56:33,240
I very nearly invented it,
but I lost my nerve.

1125
00:56:33,280 --> 00:56:36,480
And, of course,
Phoebe Waller-Bridge got there first.

1126
00:56:36,520 --> 00:56:38,640
I don't resent her that.
I think it's...

1127
00:56:38,680 --> 00:56:41,840
better that ultimately, all
that broadsheet newspaper coverage

1128
00:56:41,880 --> 00:56:43,800
and James Bond
script writing commissions

1129
00:56:43,840 --> 00:56:45,920
and billions
of dollars of Netflix deals

1130
00:56:45,960 --> 00:56:49,440
went to someone who already had
an enormous private family income.

1131
00:56:49,480 --> 00:56:51,880
But...

1132
00:56:51,920 --> 00:56:55,120
Cos I'd only have wasted it,
you know, on beans, probably.

1133
00:56:55,160 --> 00:56:56,440
Um...

1134
00:56:58,320 --> 00:57:00,640
But you are supposed to talk
to the audience now.

1135
00:57:00,680 --> 00:57:02,880
I... Who's seen me before, here?

1136
00:57:02,920 --> 00:57:04,400
(SCATTERED WOOS)
Yeah.

1137
00:57:04,440 --> 00:57:06,760
So you've noticed tonight
I'm addressing the audience

1138
00:57:06,800 --> 00:57:08,560
a lot more directly
than I normally would.

1139
00:57:08,600 --> 00:57:11,080
I don't, really like doing it.
I find it very stressful.

1140
00:57:11,120 --> 00:57:14,840
I... don't really like talking
to people generally,

1141
00:57:14,880 --> 00:57:17,000
in real life, to be honest.

1142
00:57:17,040 --> 00:57:20,760
If I have to talk to people,
I normally look at the floor,

1143
00:57:20,800 --> 00:57:24,280
or I look sort of
to the side of their face.

1144
00:57:24,320 --> 00:57:26,760
And if I have to lip read,
cos I've got... (MIC FEEDBACK)

1145
00:57:26,800 --> 00:57:30,760
..hearing aids on,
I actually look directly at someone.

1146
00:57:30,800 --> 00:57:33,640
And I find it incredibly terrifying.

1147
00:57:33,680 --> 00:57:36,440
And I hadn't really realised

1148
00:57:36,480 --> 00:57:39,480
that I'd spent my life
avoiding eye contact till it was...

1149
00:57:39,520 --> 00:57:41,720
About 15 years ago,

1150
00:57:41,760 --> 00:57:45,400
I was working with a TV director,
Peter Orton.

1151
00:57:45,440 --> 00:57:47,920
You probably know Peter, and...

1152
00:57:47,960 --> 00:57:49,240
I'd... (SIGHS)

1153
00:57:49,280 --> 00:57:51,400
It had obviously been building up
cos suddenly,

1154
00:57:51,440 --> 00:57:53,400
he just lost his rag with me,
and he shouted,

1155
00:57:53,440 --> 00:57:55,920
"When talking to someone, Stewart,

1156
00:57:55,960 --> 00:57:58,880
it's customary
to look them in the eye."

1157
00:57:59,680 --> 00:58:02,240
And then he walked off and...

1158
00:58:03,400 --> 00:58:06,040
..I was left alone. And I kind
of went to pieces, really.

1159
00:58:06,080 --> 00:58:09,600
Cos I realised, for the first time,

1160
00:58:09,640 --> 00:58:13,680
that I'd spent my whole life
trying to avoid any...

1161
00:58:13,720 --> 00:58:15,680
Yeah, you know.
And I don't know why...

1162
00:58:15,720 --> 00:58:18,120
Look, I'm not a therapist,

1163
00:58:18,160 --> 00:58:20,440
but I was trying to think
why this might be.

1164
00:58:20,480 --> 00:58:23,760
And... I...

1165
00:58:23,800 --> 00:58:26,760
I spent the first eighteen months,

1166
00:58:26,800 --> 00:58:29,200
two years of my life in care.

1167
00:58:29,240 --> 00:58:32,760
I was shunted around a succession
of children's homes

1168
00:58:32,800 --> 00:58:35,240
in Shropshire and Staffordshire.

1169
00:58:35,280 --> 00:58:37,480
So I wouldn't have had...

1170
00:58:37,520 --> 00:58:40,840
the kind of moment-to-moment
understanding of intimacy.

1171
00:58:40,880 --> 00:58:43,640
So there's about 20 minutes
of the show left now.

1172
00:58:43,680 --> 00:58:45,680
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1173
00:58:52,960 --> 00:58:57,520
And this is the optimum point for
bringing in this kind of material.

1174
00:59:02,960 --> 00:59:04,600
About 20 minutes from the end,

1175
00:59:04,640 --> 00:59:08,040
you bring in
an emotionally manipulative subplot.

1176
00:59:08,080 --> 00:59:10,960
And you normally find
that gives you enough of a push

1177
00:59:11,000 --> 00:59:14,680
just to carry the audience
with you through to the end.

1178
00:59:14,720 --> 00:59:17,240
If you've seen a lot
of long-form narrative stand-up,

1179
00:59:17,280 --> 00:59:19,400
you'll have seen other stand-ups
doing this,

1180
00:59:19,440 --> 00:59:24,240
people like Daniel Kitson,
Hannah Gadsby, Fern Brady.

1181
00:59:26,040 --> 00:59:28,000
I was the first person to do this.

1182
00:59:28,040 --> 00:59:30,040
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)

1183
00:59:31,120 --> 00:59:32,960
But yeah, it's been...

1184
00:59:33,000 --> 00:59:35,560
It's been a struggle in adult life.
I...

1185
00:59:36,840 --> 00:59:38,840
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)

1186
00:59:40,360 --> 00:59:43,280
I suspect that I've had periods
of undiagnosed depression.

1187
00:59:43,320 --> 00:59:46,120
Certainly I was fast-tracked by my...

1188
00:59:46,160 --> 00:59:48,840
You know, and I...

1189
00:59:48,880 --> 00:59:50,880
I...

1190
00:59:51,800 --> 00:59:54,080
I found lockdown
particularly difficult.

1191
00:59:54,120 --> 00:59:56,120
I know a lot of us did. I-I...

1192
00:59:57,000 --> 01:00:00,360
I just lost it, really.
I stopped caring about myself. I...

1193
01:00:01,240 --> 01:00:04,280
I gained weight and I lost weight,
gained weight again.

1194
01:00:04,320 --> 01:00:06,320
Drinking.

1195
01:00:07,320 --> 01:00:10,320
At the end of lockdown,
I went to see my GP.

1196
01:00:10,360 --> 01:00:12,400
And I did something
I wouldn't normally do.

1197
01:00:12,440 --> 01:00:15,040
I went to see my GP
and I said to him,

1198
01:00:15,080 --> 01:00:17,280
"Doctor, doctor I think I'm
depressed."

1199
01:00:17,320 --> 01:00:19,640
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1200
01:00:26,400 --> 01:00:28,720
And he said,
"We're doing this are we? Seriously?

1201
01:00:28,760 --> 01:00:33,400
A fucking doctor, doctor joke? What's
fucking wrong with you, prick?"

1202
01:00:33,440 --> 01:00:35,320
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUSE)

1203
01:00:37,120 --> 01:00:40,680
"I've got patients to see."
And, I said, "Come on!

1204
01:00:41,560 --> 01:00:43,560
Return the ball!

1205
01:00:46,160 --> 01:00:48,200
Doctor, doctor,
I think I'm depressed."

1206
01:00:48,240 --> 01:00:50,880
And he said, "Well," he said,
"Whenever I'm depressed," he said,

1207
01:00:50,920 --> 01:00:55,240
"I cheer myself up by going to see
the funniest comedian that there is.

1208
01:00:56,920 --> 01:00:59,080
Stewart Lee."

1209
01:00:59,120 --> 01:01:01,280
And I said, "I am Stewart Lee."

1210
01:01:01,320 --> 01:01:04,400
He said, "Oh, I didn't recognise you,
you've put on a lot of weight."

1211
01:01:04,440 --> 01:01:06,600
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1212
01:01:10,360 --> 01:01:12,160
Good joke that, I think.

1213
01:01:12,200 --> 01:01:13,800
And then...

1214
01:01:15,560 --> 01:01:18,280
(SIGHS)
Then he said, "Well," he said.

1215
01:01:18,320 --> 01:01:21,400
"You may have an undiagnosed
neurodiverse condition," he said.

1216
01:01:21,440 --> 01:01:24,720
"Most comedians have and they've
all been able to monetise it."

1217
01:01:24,760 --> 01:01:26,760
Um...

1218
01:01:28,400 --> 01:01:31,560
He said, "I'm gonna ask you five
questions that will tell me,"

1219
01:01:31,600 --> 01:01:32,960
he said, "If that's the case."

1220
01:01:33,000 --> 01:01:35,000
And I've got
these five questions here.

1221
01:01:35,040 --> 01:01:36,960
And I'd like to read them out.

1222
01:01:37,000 --> 01:01:38,640
If people have seen me before,

1223
01:01:38,680 --> 01:01:40,880
you'll know
there's normally a bit in every show,

1224
01:01:40,920 --> 01:01:44,680
if you've seen them on the telly,
where I read out some serious thing,

1225
01:01:44,720 --> 01:01:47,160
like a death threat
or something that I've had.

1226
01:01:47,200 --> 01:01:49,680
And to make it funny, underneath,

1227
01:01:49,720 --> 01:01:51,920
I will play in a light...

1228
01:01:52,720 --> 01:01:55,320
..jazz instrumental,
normally in a major key.

1229
01:01:55,360 --> 01:01:59,600
And you find the contrast between
the seriousness of the questions

1230
01:01:59,640 --> 01:02:03,280
and the frivolity of the jazz
will create humour.

1231
01:02:03,320 --> 01:02:05,880
Now... I'd like to do that tonight,

1232
01:02:05,920 --> 01:02:08,360
read out these questions
and play in the jazz,

1233
01:02:08,400 --> 01:02:11,480
but I can't play in the jazz,
because we've left the EU.

1234
01:02:11,520 --> 01:02:13,520
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1235
01:02:16,640 --> 01:02:20,280
And I don't want to get back into
all that, OK? We are where we are.

1236
01:02:21,720 --> 01:02:23,760
People knew
what they were voting for,

1237
01:02:23,800 --> 01:02:27,240
and to suggest otherwise
is patronising, I think.

1238
01:02:28,160 --> 01:02:30,160
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1239
01:02:38,480 --> 01:02:40,480
But the problem is...

1240
01:02:42,080 --> 01:02:44,960
OK, I need... to read this out,

1241
01:02:45,000 --> 01:02:46,960
but I can't play in
because we've left the EU.

1242
01:02:47,000 --> 01:02:49,400
The problem is...

1243
01:02:49,440 --> 01:02:51,800
I'm filming this, right, and...

1244
01:02:51,840 --> 01:02:56,320
when you film it
and then sell it on to a broadcaster,

1245
01:02:56,360 --> 01:02:59,600
you have to pay a clearance
fee for the music, any music in it.

1246
01:02:59,640 --> 01:03:01,600
And that's normally about six grand,
right?

1247
01:03:01,640 --> 01:03:04,920
Now, when we were in the EU,
that one six grand fee,

1248
01:03:04,960 --> 01:03:07,080
that would cover you
for selling it to...

1249
01:03:07,120 --> 01:03:09,920
selling this to any EU territory.

1250
01:03:09,960 --> 01:03:12,640
And because of the negotiating power
of a trade block,

1251
01:03:12,680 --> 01:03:15,280
Brussels could get
really cheap deals off,

1252
01:03:15,320 --> 01:03:17,160
you know,
Canada or America or whatever.

1253
01:03:17,200 --> 01:03:19,080
The problem now is
we've left the EU,

1254
01:03:19,120 --> 01:03:22,200
so when I film this, and if I want
to try and sell this on,

1255
01:03:22,240 --> 01:03:24,960
even just
to the Republic of Ireland,

1256
01:03:25,000 --> 01:03:28,440
if it's got music in it, I've got
to pay another six grand every time.

1257
01:03:28,480 --> 01:03:31,960
Now, these two hour blocks
of shows you see of mine,

1258
01:03:32,000 --> 01:03:35,200
they normally give me
about 110 grand to film them,

1259
01:03:35,240 --> 01:03:37,200
and then after all the costs,

1260
01:03:37,240 --> 01:03:39,680
I'm left with about eight,
nine thousand

1261
01:03:39,720 --> 01:03:42,080
before tax and an agent's commission.

1262
01:03:42,120 --> 01:03:44,440
So as you can see...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)

1263
01:03:44,480 --> 01:03:47,480
..I've only got to try
and sell it on one more time,

1264
01:03:47,520 --> 01:03:49,640
and I've lost money.

1265
01:03:49,680 --> 01:03:53,640
Because we can't play in the jazz,
because we've left the EU.

1266
01:03:53,680 --> 01:03:55,960
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1267
01:03:56,000 --> 01:03:58,440
And I know there's been
a lot of problems with Brexit

1268
01:03:58,480 --> 01:04:00,200
people didn't see coming.

1269
01:04:00,240 --> 01:04:02,240
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1270
01:04:04,320 --> 01:04:07,600
But I think if people had known

1271
01:04:07,640 --> 01:04:09,880
that it would
limit their access to jazz...

1272
01:04:09,920 --> 01:04:12,000
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1273
01:04:12,040 --> 01:04:15,240
..we may have seen
some very different voting patterns.

1274
01:04:16,520 --> 01:04:19,320
Particularly in a lot
of the hardcore leave-voting towns,

1275
01:04:19,360 --> 01:04:22,560
you know, like... South Shields...

1276
01:04:23,960 --> 01:04:26,680
..Peterborough, Scunthorpe.

1277
01:04:27,880 --> 01:04:29,880
They're all big jazz towns.

1278
01:04:32,720 --> 01:04:35,920
Scunthorpe's like New Orleans,
isn't it, in the '50s.

1279
01:04:35,960 --> 01:04:38,080
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1280
01:04:38,120 --> 01:04:40,120
Paris after the war, you know...

1281
01:04:41,400 --> 01:04:44,640
..melodies drifting
through every wrought iron balcony.

1282
01:04:45,560 --> 01:04:47,560
Um...

1283
01:04:48,800 --> 01:04:51,120
So I can't play in the jazz
because we've left the EU.

1284
01:04:51,160 --> 01:04:53,280
The problem is,
this doesn't really work,

1285
01:04:53,320 --> 01:04:55,920
these questions, without the jazz
playing in underneath.

1286
01:04:55,960 --> 01:04:57,600
So what a lot
of you will be thinking,

1287
01:04:57,640 --> 01:05:00,600
"Oh, well, just cut this bit."
Right? "Just cut it."

1288
01:05:00,640 --> 01:05:03,200
I can't cut this bit, right?
Because...

1289
01:05:03,240 --> 01:05:05,800
Right, if you've seen it before...

1290
01:05:05,840 --> 01:05:08,560
OK, you'll have noticed
this show...

1291
01:05:09,360 --> 01:05:12,200
..it's a lot more fun
than they normally are, isn't it?

1292
01:05:12,240 --> 01:05:14,400
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1293
01:05:14,440 --> 01:05:17,120
There's a kind of solid 20
of Frankie Boyle,

1294
01:05:17,160 --> 01:05:18,880
kind of punchy gags at the top,

1295
01:05:18,920 --> 01:05:21,520
there's a lot of fun interaction
with the audience,

1296
01:05:21,560 --> 01:05:24,520
sometimes it goes wrong,
but it's mainly...

1297
01:05:25,680 --> 01:05:29,960
The show feels a lot looser than
they normally do, a lot less formal.

1298
01:05:30,000 --> 01:05:33,320
But when you get home tonight,
and you think about what you've seen,

1299
01:05:33,360 --> 01:05:35,000
you'll realise that, of course,

1300
01:05:35,040 --> 01:05:38,720
this show is as rigorously structured
as they always are.

1301
01:05:38,760 --> 01:05:41,360
You may realise that,
you may not realise that.

1302
01:05:42,200 --> 01:05:44,000
None of the critics did.

1303
01:05:44,040 --> 01:05:45,720
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1304
01:05:45,760 --> 01:05:48,240
The problem is I can't drop this bit,

1305
01:05:48,280 --> 01:05:51,600
cos it ties back to the beginning,
sets up the end,

1306
01:05:51,640 --> 01:05:53,880
and it's sort of
the emotional through line

1307
01:05:53,920 --> 01:05:56,080
of what the show is about.

1308
01:05:56,120 --> 01:05:58,920
But it won't work without the jazz,
but I have got to do it.

1309
01:05:58,960 --> 01:06:02,080
So what I'm gonna ask you
to do here tonight is...

1310
01:06:02,120 --> 01:06:04,200
No, is in your own heads...

1311
01:06:05,160 --> 01:06:07,840
..when I read these questions out.

1312
01:06:07,880 --> 01:06:10,520
Yeah, all of you just imagine,
silently,

1313
01:06:10,560 --> 01:06:14,560
a simple jazz instrumental
in a major key

1314
01:06:14,600 --> 01:06:17,840
running underneath what I'm saying,
and then it'll be fine.

1315
01:06:17,880 --> 01:06:20,840
And if you're sitting there thinking,
"This isn't funny."

1316
01:06:20,880 --> 01:06:22,840
then you've imagined the wrong music.

1317
01:06:22,880 --> 01:06:25,400
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1318
01:06:25,440 --> 01:06:27,520
Because it fucking is funny.

1319
01:06:27,560 --> 01:06:29,320
(APPLAUSE)

1320
01:06:29,360 --> 01:06:30,920
Right, now, we need this bit to work,

1321
01:06:30,960 --> 01:06:33,000
otherwise the last ten minutes
goes wrong, right?

1322
01:06:33,040 --> 01:06:35,280
So we're just gonna talk you
through it. So I will say...

1323
01:06:35,320 --> 01:06:38,680
Imagine your jazz now, Salford,

1324
01:06:38,720 --> 01:06:41,240
and then you... and at home,

1325
01:06:41,280 --> 01:06:44,400
you can imagine your jazz as well,
probably better to be honest.

1326
01:06:44,440 --> 01:06:46,080
And you... And then...

1327
01:06:46,120 --> 01:06:49,640
let the jazz run on underneath,
right?

1328
01:06:49,680 --> 01:06:52,480
When I start reading out
these questions,

1329
01:06:52,520 --> 01:06:54,760
just sort of dial it down
a little bit,

1330
01:06:54,800 --> 01:06:57,600
and then bring all the jazz
up together at the end, yeah?

1331
01:06:57,640 --> 01:07:00,920
A lot of people look like they're
really struggling here in Salford.

1332
01:07:00,960 --> 01:07:03,160
Let's talk you through it again.
So I will say...

1333
01:07:03,200 --> 01:07:05,680
No, we need this to work cos
otherwise the last ten minutes...

1334
01:07:05,720 --> 01:07:08,080
So I'll say,
"Imagine your jazz now, Salford."

1335
01:07:08,120 --> 01:07:10,520
Run the jazz on underneath, simple.

1336
01:07:10,560 --> 01:07:13,520
There's no need to do anything...
Don't go mad, you know.

1337
01:07:13,560 --> 01:07:16,280
Don't suddenly do
an amazing trombone solo and go,

1338
01:07:16,320 --> 01:07:20,040
"Oh, have you heard these trombones,
they're incredible?

1339
01:07:20,080 --> 01:07:22,320
I didn't know the trombone
could be like that."

1340
01:07:22,360 --> 01:07:24,680
Don't do that cos that's
for your benefit, isn't it?

1341
01:07:24,720 --> 01:07:28,200
This is for me. Help me.
Don't do that.

1342
01:07:29,920 --> 01:07:32,080
Do you understand?
Right, what I'm saying is,

1343
01:07:32,120 --> 01:07:35,120
I will say,
"Imagine your jazz now, Salford."

1344
01:07:35,160 --> 01:07:38,200
Right? Run the jazz on underneath,
a simple...

1345
01:07:38,240 --> 01:07:40,000
This man in the stripes,
you're looking...

1346
01:07:40,040 --> 01:07:43,360
You don't have to worry about it,
sir. It is jazz, right?

1347
01:07:43,400 --> 01:07:48,240
But nothing that sounds like it could
have come after about 1956/57.

1348
01:07:48,280 --> 01:07:50,280
OK?

1349
01:07:51,160 --> 01:07:53,840
Well, because that's
when the avant-garde influence

1350
01:07:53,880 --> 01:07:56,160
started to come in isn't it?

1351
01:07:56,200 --> 01:07:59,480
Yeah? You got people like
Sunny Murray on the drums, yeah.

1352
01:07:59,520 --> 01:08:01,280
Yeah, changing our idea,

1353
01:08:01,320 --> 01:08:04,320
not just of rhythm
but of what time itself was, really.

1354
01:08:05,560 --> 01:08:10,160
Admittedly, mainly in
his Scandinavian radio session work,

1355
01:08:10,200 --> 01:08:12,120
with Henry Grimes, people like that.

1356
01:08:12,160 --> 01:08:14,160
But...

1357
01:08:14,960 --> 01:08:17,680
Well, those tapes must have
been heard in New York, I think,

1358
01:08:17,720 --> 01:08:19,520
because...

1359
01:08:19,560 --> 01:08:21,680
in terms of the approach
to the kit at that time,

1360
01:08:21,720 --> 01:08:24,319
it's almost like a switch is...

1361
01:08:24,359 --> 01:08:26,359
Or...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1362
01:08:28,600 --> 01:08:30,680
Someone like Albert Ayler
on the saxophone,

1363
01:08:30,720 --> 01:08:32,479
a lot of you are,
like, ravers from here,

1364
01:08:32,520 --> 01:08:35,479
you'd think, "Oh, that just sounds
like old gospel music."

1365
01:08:35,520 --> 01:08:37,760
And it does,
but what Albert Ayler was doing

1366
01:08:37,800 --> 01:08:40,279
is he was using that music
sort of ironically,

1367
01:08:40,319 --> 01:08:43,520
as a critique of post-war
American race politics, right?

1368
01:08:44,640 --> 01:08:46,359
And both those things are great,

1369
01:08:46,399 --> 01:08:49,439
but they're not really relevant
to what we're trying to do.

1370
01:08:49,479 --> 01:08:51,960
You know, just park that.
Worry about that.

1371
01:08:53,399 --> 01:08:56,920
Get back on board, and I will say,
"Imagine your jazz now, Salford."

1372
01:08:56,960 --> 01:08:59,279
Run the jazz on under...
Look at you, you're going,

1373
01:08:59,319 --> 01:09:02,680
"Uh, what kind of line-up is it?"
It doesn't matter!

1374
01:09:02,720 --> 01:09:06,120
Just a simple trio, mate.
Can you do that?

1375
01:09:06,160 --> 01:09:10,600
Just drums, base, gui...
not the fucking Sun Ra Arkestra.

1376
01:09:10,640 --> 01:09:13,359
Twenty blokes dressed
as Egyptians from space,

1377
01:09:13,399 --> 01:09:15,359
throwing mincemeat into a well.

1378
01:09:15,399 --> 01:09:17,720
Or whatever the fuck it is they do

1379
01:09:17,760 --> 01:09:19,920
in a publicly funded venue.

1380
01:09:19,960 --> 01:09:23,800
Right? So... don't do that.

1381
01:09:23,840 --> 01:09:26,080
Just, I will say... Listen!

1382
01:09:26,120 --> 01:09:30,080
Don't... This is being filmed, right?
So pay attention. Right?

1383
01:09:30,120 --> 01:09:31,960
Let's get this good.

1384
01:09:32,000 --> 01:09:35,120
I will say,
"Imagine your jazz now, Salford."

1385
01:09:35,160 --> 01:09:37,920
Run the jazz on underneath,
simple trio that...

1386
01:09:37,960 --> 01:09:41,359
You know, give everyone a solo
if you must,

1387
01:09:41,399 --> 01:09:43,399
I'd rather you didn't.

1388
01:09:44,200 --> 01:09:46,640
But if you do,
keep it in the same key, yeah?

1389
01:09:46,680 --> 01:09:48,640
Don't think,
"Oh, let's go like Eric Dolphy,

1390
01:09:48,680 --> 01:09:51,399
dissonant,
challenge the fascism of harmony."

1391
01:09:51,439 --> 01:09:54,840
Don't do that. Same time signature.

1392
01:09:56,200 --> 01:09:58,520
Don't think, "Oh,
I'll leave the drums in four four,

1393
01:09:58,560 --> 01:10:00,040
everything else in six eight.

1394
01:10:00,080 --> 01:10:03,440
After 28 bars they'll all meet up at
the end like Van der Graaf Generator.

1395
01:10:03,480 --> 01:10:07,440
It's not fucking...
fucking prog rock wank...

1396
01:10:07,480 --> 01:10:10,640
That you... This is jazz! Jazz!

1397
01:10:10,680 --> 01:10:12,720
Salford, I will say,

1398
01:10:12,760 --> 01:10:15,120
(CHUCKLES) "Imagine your jazz."

1399
01:10:15,160 --> 01:10:17,960
Run the jazz on a simple three
or four note, run it underneath,

1400
01:10:18,000 --> 01:10:22,080
keep in the right side of the '50s
avant-garde explosion, yeah?

1401
01:10:22,120 --> 01:10:26,280
Simple trio, right, give ev...
If you must give everyone a solo...

1402
01:10:26,320 --> 01:10:29,480
Don't, but if you do, keep it in...

1403
01:10:29,520 --> 01:10:33,120
Make sure the solo
quotes fairly heavily

1404
01:10:33,160 --> 01:10:36,040
from whatever melodic themes
you've established at the top.

1405
01:10:36,080 --> 01:10:38,360
So people feel like
they're in safe hands,

1406
01:10:38,400 --> 01:10:40,320
they're not going,
"Oh, where's this going?"

1407
01:10:40,360 --> 01:10:42,000
Right? So establish...

1408
01:10:42,040 --> 01:10:44,560
I will say,
"Imagine your jazz now, Salford."

1409
01:10:44,600 --> 01:10:46,240
run the jazz on underneath,

1410
01:10:46,280 --> 01:10:48,880
a simple three or four note theme
from a little trio.

1411
01:10:48,920 --> 01:10:52,400
I'll start speaking...
If you do solos,

1412
01:10:52,440 --> 01:10:54,320
relate back to the original theme.

1413
01:10:54,360 --> 01:10:56,840
When I'm speaking, drop the jazz down

1414
01:10:56,880 --> 01:10:59,040
and then bring all the themes
together at the end

1415
01:10:59,080 --> 01:11:01,320
and resolve it perhaps
with a diminished seventh,

1416
01:11:01,360 --> 01:11:03,680
and for God's sake,
don't get side-tracked

1417
01:11:03,720 --> 01:11:06,320
into a long,
self-indulgent improvisation!

1418
01:11:06,360 --> 01:11:08,360
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUSE)

1419
01:11:15,400 --> 01:11:17,400
That was touch and go, wasn't it?

1420
01:11:18,440 --> 01:11:21,520
Do you think, people at home,
I'd still be doing that routine

1421
01:11:21,560 --> 01:11:25,240
if it was normally received
with that level of bafflement?

1422
01:11:25,280 --> 01:11:27,360
That's normally flying out the traps.

1423
01:11:27,400 --> 01:11:30,160
Tonight there's people going,
"What's this? What's going on?

1424
01:11:30,200 --> 01:11:33,040
He's doing some kind of lecture."
Of course I'm not!

1425
01:11:33,840 --> 01:11:37,320
That's what I do, that's my comedy,
it's not a mistake!

1426
01:11:38,520 --> 01:11:40,440
That kind of routine,

1427
01:11:40,480 --> 01:11:44,280
that's why the broadsheets call me
the world's greatest living stand-up,

1428
01:11:44,320 --> 01:11:46,320
which they do in case you...

1429
01:11:47,120 --> 01:11:48,920
"Why have we not heard of him?"

1430
01:11:48,960 --> 01:11:51,600
I don't know,
there's been an administrative error!

1431
01:11:51,640 --> 01:11:53,160
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1432
01:11:55,200 --> 01:11:57,920
It's cos of stuff like that.
That's what they like.

1433
01:11:57,960 --> 01:12:01,680
It flatters their intelligence,
the broadsheet newspaper critics.

1434
01:12:01,720 --> 01:12:04,720
Cos what I do is as close
to being not funny at all

1435
01:12:04,760 --> 01:12:07,000
as it's possible to be!

1436
01:12:07,040 --> 01:12:10,160
And then just at the last minute when
you want to blow your own head off,

1437
01:12:10,200 --> 01:12:13,480
you go, "Oh, it turns around."
And, "Oh, it's brilliant."

1438
01:12:13,520 --> 01:12:15,520
Right.

1439
01:12:22,960 --> 01:12:26,760
So we're gonna read out
the five questions from the doctor.

1440
01:12:26,800 --> 01:12:29,200
Remember?
From earlier, can you remember?

1441
01:12:31,640 --> 01:12:34,480
Start your imaginary jazz now,
in your head!

1442
01:12:34,520 --> 01:12:36,320
Don't start humming it.

1443
01:12:36,360 --> 01:12:38,280
I don't want to have
to come back here and...

1444
01:12:38,320 --> 01:12:40,320
get copyright clearance off you.

1445
01:12:41,400 --> 01:12:43,520
Question one, he said,

1446
01:12:43,560 --> 01:12:45,560
"Do you take things very literally?
For example,

1447
01:12:45,600 --> 01:12:48,040
you may become fixated
on particular words or phrases,

1448
01:12:48,080 --> 01:12:50,720
or not understand
simple social customs?"

1449
01:12:50,760 --> 01:12:53,720
It's been the base
of my act for 35 years.

1450
01:12:55,080 --> 01:12:57,520
Then he said,
"Do you always have the same routine

1451
01:12:57,560 --> 01:12:59,800
and get very anxious if it changes?"

1452
01:12:59,840 --> 01:13:01,840
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1453
01:13:05,680 --> 01:13:07,680
(APPLAUSE)

1454
01:13:08,960 --> 01:13:11,440
Fuck... Fuck you. I....

1455
01:13:11,480 --> 01:13:13,440
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1456
01:13:13,480 --> 01:13:15,360
Fuck you,
I find that genuinely off...

1457
01:13:15,400 --> 01:13:17,280
I...

1458
01:13:17,320 --> 01:13:19,320
It's not the same routine!

1459
01:13:21,320 --> 01:13:25,320
I am the most prolific stand-up
there has ever been!

1460
01:13:25,360 --> 01:13:28,240
I'm known for that.
I've written more than any...

1461
01:13:29,280 --> 01:13:31,360
It's not the same... Not the same...

1462
01:13:34,120 --> 01:13:36,920
I come round
all these fucking shithole towns

1463
01:13:36,960 --> 01:13:39,760
every two years with a whole new...

1464
01:13:43,080 --> 01:13:44,920
it's not the same routine...

1465
01:13:44,960 --> 01:13:48,280
Admittedly, I work within
very narrow stylistic tram lines.

1466
01:13:48,320 --> 01:13:50,280
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1467
01:13:50,320 --> 01:13:52,720
Tram lines, yeah,
you like that, don't you?

1468
01:13:53,880 --> 01:13:55,880
But it's not...

1469
01:13:57,800 --> 01:14:01,160
Admittedly
I did the same routine twice tonight,

1470
01:14:01,200 --> 01:14:03,600
but the second time,
I was facing the wall.

1471
01:14:03,640 --> 01:14:06,440
So it's completely different.
I don't know what you're laughing at,

1472
01:14:06,480 --> 01:14:09,760
you weren't even here
for the beginning! Fucking idiot.

1473
01:14:09,800 --> 01:14:11,800
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1474
01:14:15,120 --> 01:14:18,120
It's not the same
and you can fuck off, right?

1475
01:14:18,160 --> 01:14:22,000
Because that... I don't get any
of the credit that I deserve.

1476
01:14:23,360 --> 01:14:26,040
Fuck off.

1477
01:14:28,320 --> 01:14:30,720
Then he said,
"Do you find it hard to make friends

1478
01:14:30,760 --> 01:14:33,080
and prefer to be on your..."

1479
01:14:33,120 --> 01:14:35,800
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

1480
01:14:38,440 --> 01:14:41,880
We do, don't we, person on their own?
I don't care. I don't care.

1481
01:14:42,720 --> 01:14:44,200
I haven't got any friends.

1482
01:14:44,240 --> 01:14:46,880
When I was gonna get married,
right, there was only two blokes

1483
01:14:46,920 --> 01:14:50,120
who I felt I knew well enough to ask
to be my best man, right.

1484
01:14:50,160 --> 01:14:52,400
And one of them didn't want to do it

1485
01:14:52,440 --> 01:14:55,000
because he'd been invited
to a party in Tiverton.

1486
01:14:55,040 --> 01:14:56,760
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1487
01:14:58,280 --> 01:15:02,400
Where he'd been told there would be
free cannabis-flavoured jelly.

1488
01:15:04,040 --> 01:15:06,040
And he was 52 years old.

1489
01:15:09,840 --> 01:15:12,720
And the bloke who did do it, I am
very grateful to him to this day.

1490
01:15:12,760 --> 01:15:14,680
But I find
I can't really talk to him anymore,

1491
01:15:14,720 --> 01:15:17,240
cos I voted for remain
and he voted for leave.

1492
01:15:17,280 --> 01:15:20,200
And I don't know about you, but
I find I can't really talk to someone

1493
01:15:20,240 --> 01:15:22,640
unless they can see
that I'm right about everything

1494
01:15:22,680 --> 01:15:24,920
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1495
01:15:25,760 --> 01:15:29,280
I'm 56, I've got
coronary artery disease, I'm deaf,

1496
01:15:29,320 --> 01:15:33,080
I'm not... I don't want to waste
whatever time I've got left

1497
01:15:33,120 --> 01:15:36,240
talking to someone
I don't agree with about anything!

1498
01:15:36,280 --> 01:15:38,400
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1499
01:15:39,240 --> 01:15:41,200
(SINGULAR CLAP)
Yeah, then he...

1500
01:15:41,240 --> 01:15:44,680
That's right,
one person clapping on their own.

1501
01:15:47,760 --> 01:15:50,600
It's gonna be a hard edit this,
isn't it? There's been a lot of...

1502
01:15:50,640 --> 01:15:51,960
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1503
01:15:52,000 --> 01:15:55,080
I'll say it myself, there's been
some good ad libs and improvisation.

1504
01:15:55,120 --> 01:15:57,240
It's gonna be a hard edit.
Much easier, isn't it,

1505
01:15:57,280 --> 01:16:00,120
to be like Jimmy Carr and write
a very tightly structured set

1506
01:16:00,160 --> 01:16:03,600
of short economic jokes,
like cracker gags written by Hitler.

1507
01:16:03,640 --> 01:16:05,360
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1508
01:16:05,400 --> 01:16:07,400
(APPLAUSE)

1509
01:16:08,480 --> 01:16:10,400
And then he said...

1510
01:16:10,440 --> 01:16:12,920
Do you remember this bit
from earlier? He said,

1511
01:16:12,960 --> 01:16:15,400
"Do you have a very keen interest
in certain subjects

1512
01:16:15,440 --> 01:16:17,480
or activities
bordering on obsessional?"

1513
01:16:17,520 --> 01:16:19,240
Well, I did win Celebrity Mastermind

1514
01:16:19,280 --> 01:16:21,760
answering questions on
the free jazz guitarist Derek Bailey

1515
01:16:21,800 --> 01:16:25,160
where I scored an unprecedented
38 out of 40 with no passes,

1516
01:16:25,200 --> 01:16:28,400
but to say it's obsessional
is a stretch, I think.

1517
01:16:29,240 --> 01:16:31,760
Then he said, "Do you like change?"
I don't like change.

1518
01:16:31,800 --> 01:16:34,520
Stop your imaginary jazz now,
stop it.

1519
01:16:34,560 --> 01:16:36,560
You weren't doing it, were you, sir?

1520
01:16:36,600 --> 01:16:39,000
I've seen through you,
you weren't doing it.

1521
01:16:39,040 --> 01:16:40,880
You only get out what you put in.

1522
01:16:42,160 --> 01:16:44,960
You should know that by now. So...

1523
01:16:46,000 --> 01:16:48,480
He wasn't doing it,
I could see him. So...

1524
01:16:49,680 --> 01:16:51,640
(CHUCKLES)

1525
01:16:51,680 --> 01:16:53,400
No, I don't like change. I...

1526
01:16:53,440 --> 01:16:56,440
I appreciate I'm very lucky
to do this for a living.

1527
01:16:56,480 --> 01:16:59,160
But it's the... the things
that I struggle with, you know,

1528
01:16:59,200 --> 01:17:01,400
and when I do these shows in London,

1529
01:17:01,440 --> 01:17:05,160
I'll do a 350 seater for sort of
five nights a week, six months.

1530
01:17:05,200 --> 01:17:06,840
Cos I like to go in the...

1531
01:17:06,880 --> 01:17:08,760
I could do a week in a big place,

1532
01:17:08,800 --> 01:17:11,600
but I like to go to the same place
every night, I know where I am.

1533
01:17:11,640 --> 01:17:14,440
I go in, I hang this up,
I've got a hearing aid charger

1534
01:17:14,480 --> 01:17:16,200
and my stereo,
and I know where I am.

1535
01:17:16,240 --> 01:17:19,360
But on tour it's very...
every night is different, you know.

1536
01:17:19,400 --> 01:17:22,200
Tuesday I might be in Crewe,
and I go in there,

1537
01:17:22,240 --> 01:17:24,840
and I'm wearing this, and
I'm doing this, and it's the same,

1538
01:17:24,880 --> 01:17:26,840
but in the dressing room,
there's sort of...

1539
01:17:26,880 --> 01:17:28,920
there's four chairs and two cups,

1540
01:17:28,960 --> 01:17:31,720
and a kettle with a kind of
a black plastic housing.

1541
01:17:31,760 --> 01:17:34,640
And that's fine, but then
the next night I'll be in Chester,

1542
01:17:34,680 --> 01:17:37,240
I go in, I'm wearing this,
I'm doing this, that's the same.

1543
01:17:37,280 --> 01:17:41,120
But I go in the dressing room,
and there's six chairs and four cups,

1544
01:17:41,160 --> 01:17:45,520
and the kettle is like
a silver 1970s one with a black lid,

1545
01:17:45,560 --> 01:17:49,240
and there's absolutely no need
for it to be different like this.

1546
01:17:52,560 --> 01:17:54,960
Then the next night,
I'll be in Glasgow or somewhere,

1547
01:17:55,000 --> 01:17:58,440
and I go in there, I'm wearing this,
I'm doing this, that's the same,

1548
01:17:58,480 --> 01:18:01,800
but I go in the dressing room,
there's one chair, there's five cups.

1549
01:18:01,840 --> 01:18:04,040
I go, "Where's the kettle?"
There isn't one.

1550
01:18:04,080 --> 01:18:05,800
And the bloke goes,
"You go down there,

1551
01:18:05,840 --> 01:18:07,480
and in that room, there's an urn,

1552
01:18:07,520 --> 01:18:09,360
and that's always boiling
and it's better."

1553
01:18:09,400 --> 01:18:12,120
And it isn't better cos it's got
no relationship whatsoever

1554
01:18:12,160 --> 01:18:14,720
with the previous two nights.

1555
01:18:14,760 --> 01:18:16,760
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)

1556
01:18:19,960 --> 01:18:22,840
And you sit out there,
don't you, and you...

1557
01:18:22,880 --> 01:18:26,240
you look up at me, and you envy me.

1558
01:18:26,280 --> 01:18:28,280
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1559
01:18:29,240 --> 01:18:31,240
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

1560
01:18:35,040 --> 01:18:36,920
Right, you listen to me, right?

1561
01:18:37,720 --> 01:18:40,760
This is being filmed...
This is being filmed.

1562
01:18:40,800 --> 01:18:43,520
And I need this to work,
I'm not on telly much anymore,

1563
01:18:43,560 --> 01:18:45,720
I need this to work.

1564
01:18:46,640 --> 01:18:49,800
There's about ten minutes left,
and then we can go.

1565
01:18:49,840 --> 01:18:52,160
And for the last bit to work,

1566
01:18:52,200 --> 01:18:54,200
you have to envy me.

1567
01:18:54,240 --> 01:18:56,280
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1568
01:18:56,320 --> 01:18:58,800
(APPLAUSE)
And you should...

1569
01:18:58,840 --> 01:19:00,840
And you should envy me.

1570
01:19:00,880 --> 01:19:04,600
Cos you know what I've got
in the fridge in my... hotel?

1571
01:19:04,640 --> 01:19:06,920
Before I came here, in London,

1572
01:19:06,960 --> 01:19:11,760
I bought six 150 gram packs
of sliced mushrooms

1573
01:19:11,800 --> 01:19:13,800
that were reduced at Sainsbury's.

1574
01:19:13,840 --> 01:19:16,320
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)

1575
01:19:17,720 --> 01:19:19,600
And I boiled all them up,

1576
01:19:19,640 --> 01:19:22,400
and then I've grilled some chicken
and I've cut that up,

1577
01:19:22,440 --> 01:19:25,000
and I have made six equally...

1578
01:19:25,040 --> 01:19:27,880
and I've sized meals in little tubs

1579
01:19:27,920 --> 01:19:30,520
that I've kept
from the Vietnamese takeaway.

1580
01:19:30,560 --> 01:19:33,760
And I've put 30 grams of
low calorie mayonnaise in each one.

1581
01:19:33,800 --> 01:19:36,920
And I can eat... I don't have to
think about what I'm eating at all.

1582
01:19:36,960 --> 01:19:38,960
I can just eat those. So...

1583
01:19:42,680 --> 01:19:44,680
So you should envy me. But I...

1584
01:19:48,520 --> 01:19:51,760
But I stand up here and I look out
at you, Salford, and I...

1585
01:19:52,600 --> 01:19:54,840
I envy you, I...

1586
01:19:54,880 --> 01:19:58,280
I envy you the simplicity
of your humdrum lives.

1587
01:19:58,320 --> 01:20:00,320
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Cos...

1588
01:20:01,680 --> 01:20:04,320
The pleasures of the simpletons,
the simple...

1589
01:20:05,360 --> 01:20:07,520
Salford jobs of, you know,

1590
01:20:07,560 --> 01:20:09,560
the tram drivers and...

1591
01:20:11,360 --> 01:20:13,360
..baristas.

1592
01:20:13,400 --> 01:20:16,000
You know, cos look at me, I'm a mess.

1593
01:20:16,040 --> 01:20:18,320
I don't mind, I'm a shambles,
I'm all over the place.

1594
01:20:18,360 --> 01:20:20,880
I'm up, I'm down,
I don't know what's going on.

1595
01:20:20,920 --> 01:20:23,440
But you, look at you. You all...

1596
01:20:23,480 --> 01:20:26,160
You go in and work at the same
place every day, don't you?

1597
01:20:26,200 --> 01:20:28,320
You see the same people,
your work mates,

1598
01:20:28,360 --> 01:20:30,160
they're not your friends, really,

1599
01:20:30,200 --> 01:20:33,880
but you're on nodding terms,
speaking terms with them.

1600
01:20:33,920 --> 01:20:37,920
And you all live in a comforting web

1601
01:20:37,960 --> 01:20:42,320
of elasticated familiarity
that is denied to me.

1602
01:20:42,360 --> 01:20:44,360
And I envy you that.

1603
01:20:45,480 --> 01:20:48,440
Cos you go into work, don't you,
on Monday morning,

1604
01:20:48,480 --> 01:20:50,360
and you go,

1605
01:20:50,400 --> 01:20:52,400
"Morning."

1606
01:20:52,440 --> 01:20:54,440
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1607
01:20:55,240 --> 01:20:57,240
"Morning.

1608
01:20:58,120 --> 01:21:00,120
Cheers."

1609
01:21:02,240 --> 01:21:04,320
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1610
01:21:10,200 --> 01:21:12,200
And at the end of the day.

1611
01:21:14,120 --> 01:21:16,520
"Yeah, see you tomorrow, yeah.

1612
01:21:17,960 --> 01:21:20,520
Alright, yeah,
I'll see you tomorrow, yeah.

1613
01:21:20,560 --> 01:21:22,680
Yeah, I'll see,
I'll see you tomorrow."

1614
01:21:22,720 --> 01:21:24,360
(LAUGHTER)

1615
01:21:24,400 --> 01:21:27,920
"I'll see... Yeah,
I'll see you tomorrow, yeah, yeah."

1616
01:21:34,080 --> 01:21:37,280
And the next day, Tuesday.

1617
01:21:40,240 --> 01:21:42,240
"Morning.

1618
01:21:43,040 --> 01:21:45,040
Aye, yeah, yeah."

1619
01:21:46,160 --> 01:21:48,240
(MUMBLES)

1620
01:21:58,000 --> 01:21:59,800
And at the end of the day.

1621
01:22:01,720 --> 01:22:04,120
"Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow, yeah."

1622
01:22:04,160 --> 01:22:06,680
"Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow."

1623
01:22:06,720 --> 01:22:09,120
(HIGHER PITCHED) "See you tomorrow."

1624
01:22:09,160 --> 01:22:10,920
"See you tomorrow."

1625
01:22:10,960 --> 01:22:13,320
"See you tomorrow, yeah,
I'll see you tomorrow, yeah."

1626
01:22:13,360 --> 01:22:15,600
(DEEP PITCH) "I'll see you tomorrow.

1627
01:22:15,640 --> 01:22:17,600
I'll see you tomorrow, yeah."

1628
01:22:18,720 --> 01:22:20,640
(NASALLY VOICE)
"I'll see you tomorrow."

1629
01:22:20,680 --> 01:22:22,680
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1630
01:22:26,160 --> 01:22:28,440
And the next day.

1631
01:22:28,480 --> 01:22:30,560
Wednesday.

1632
01:22:30,600 --> 01:22:32,600
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS)

1633
01:22:37,000 --> 01:22:39,000
"Morning."

1634
01:22:41,080 --> 01:22:43,400
"Morning, yeah, cheers."

1635
01:22:45,720 --> 01:22:47,920
"Morning, yeah.

1636
01:22:47,960 --> 01:22:50,800
Yeah, cheers, yeah."

1637
01:22:56,800 --> 01:22:58,800
(MUSIC CONTINUES)

1638
01:23:06,800 --> 01:23:09,440
"It was cold in the night, yeah."

1639
01:23:16,120 --> 01:23:19,240
(WEST COUNTRY ACCENT)
"Cold all, cold all night, yeah."

1640
01:23:21,320 --> 01:23:23,360
(NORMAL VOICE)
And at the end of the day.

1641
01:23:23,400 --> 01:23:25,720
"Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow, yeah."

1642
01:23:25,760 --> 01:23:27,800
(MUSIC CONTINUES)

1643
01:23:27,840 --> 01:23:30,560
"Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow,
yeah, yeah, yeah."

1644
01:23:32,240 --> 01:23:35,440
"That's alright, I'll see you
tomorrow, yeah, see you tomorrow."

1645
01:23:35,480 --> 01:23:37,800
(GARBLED SPEECH)

1646
01:23:37,840 --> 01:23:39,600
"Yeah."

1647
01:23:39,640 --> 01:23:41,920
(GARBLED SPEECH)

1648
01:23:49,200 --> 01:23:51,520
"Yeah, a bit warmer tonight,
hopefully."

1649
01:23:54,360 --> 01:23:56,400
"Bit...

1650
01:23:56,440 --> 01:23:58,520
A bit of a warmer night.

1651
01:24:00,080 --> 01:24:03,800
God... God willing,
yeah, yeah, yeah."

1652
01:24:06,440 --> 01:24:09,800
And the next day. Thursday.

1653
01:24:11,840 --> 01:24:14,960
"Morning, yeah. Cheers.

1654
01:24:15,920 --> 01:24:18,400
Morning, yeah.

1655
01:24:18,440 --> 01:24:21,080
Yeah, cheers.

1656
01:24:21,120 --> 01:24:23,920
Yeah, morning, yeah, yeah.

1657
01:24:25,400 --> 01:24:27,400
Yeah, yeah."

1658
01:24:32,560 --> 01:24:34,560
(MUSIC CONTINUES)

1659
01:24:34,600 --> 01:24:36,480
"Did rain in the night, yeah, yeah."

1660
01:24:36,520 --> 01:24:38,520
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1661
01:24:40,280 --> 01:24:42,280
"No.

1662
01:24:43,760 --> 01:24:46,200
Because I was asleep,
I was asleep, so..."

1663
01:24:46,240 --> 01:24:48,240
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1664
01:24:50,200 --> 01:24:53,920
"Well, because when I went down
in the morning I could see it was..."

1665
01:24:58,240 --> 01:25:00,240
And at the end of the day.

1666
01:25:01,400 --> 01:25:04,480
"Yeah, I'll see you.
Yeah, have a good...

1667
01:25:04,520 --> 01:25:06,480
Yeah, I'll see you.

1668
01:25:06,520 --> 01:25:10,880
Yeah, I'll see you.
Yeah, I'll... Tomorrow, yeah.

1669
01:25:10,920 --> 01:25:13,880
I'll se... yeah, to...
I'll see you. I'll see you.

1670
01:25:13,920 --> 01:25:17,240
I'll see you.
Yeah, I'll see, I'll see you.

1671
01:25:17,280 --> 01:25:19,160
See ya, mate. Yeah, see ya, mate.

1672
01:25:19,200 --> 01:25:21,600
Yeah, see ya, mate.
Yeah, I'll see ya, mate.

1673
01:25:21,640 --> 01:25:25,440
Yeah, I'll see you mate. Yeah, yeah,
I'll see, I'll see, I'll see you.

1674
01:25:26,280 --> 01:25:28,520
Yeah, it's Friday tomorrow, yeah.

1675
01:25:28,560 --> 01:25:30,200
(MUSIC CONTINUES)

1676
01:25:30,240 --> 01:25:32,240
Roll on the weekend."

1677
01:25:32,280 --> 01:25:34,280
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1678
01:25:35,240 --> 01:25:38,520
And the next day, Friday.

1679
01:25:40,840 --> 01:25:42,840
"Yeah, it's Friday, yeah.

1680
01:25:44,000 --> 01:25:46,000
Yeah, it's Friday, yeah.

1681
01:25:47,920 --> 01:25:49,920
Friday, it's Friday, yeah.

1682
01:25:51,200 --> 01:25:53,200
It's Friday, yeah, it's Friday.

1683
01:25:54,760 --> 01:25:57,400
Friday, yeah.

1684
01:25:57,440 --> 01:26:00,000
Fr... Friday!"

1685
01:26:00,040 --> 01:26:02,040
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)

1686
01:26:04,280 --> 01:26:06,120
(AMERICAN ACCENT) "Party on, dude."

1687
01:26:06,160 --> 01:26:08,440
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1688
01:26:08,480 --> 01:26:10,680
(NORMAL VOICE)
And at the end of the day.

1689
01:26:11,600 --> 01:26:14,040
"Have a good weekend,
I'll see you on Monday.

1690
01:26:14,880 --> 01:26:17,280
Have a good weekend,
I'll see you on Monday.

1691
01:26:18,080 --> 01:26:20,480
Have a good weekend,
I'll see you on Monday.

1692
01:26:21,280 --> 01:26:23,520
Have a good weekend,
I'll see you on Monday.

1693
01:26:24,320 --> 01:26:26,240
Have a good weekend,
I'll see you on Monday.

1694
01:26:27,120 --> 01:26:29,520
Have a good weekend,
I'll see you on Monday."

1695
01:26:30,400 --> 01:26:35,600
(SLOWER) "Have a good weekend,
I will see you on Monday."

1696
01:26:35,640 --> 01:26:37,640
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1697
01:26:37,680 --> 01:26:39,720
(MUSIC ENDS)

1698
01:26:39,760 --> 01:26:44,080
"Listen, uh, you don't fancy going
for a quick drink after work, do you?

1699
01:26:44,120 --> 01:26:47,680
Cos... No, well I, well,
well I can't go actually, so...

1700
01:26:47,720 --> 01:26:49,840
and I didn't want to
so it doesn't matter."

1701
01:26:49,880 --> 01:26:51,200
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1702
01:26:52,560 --> 01:26:55,200
But you did want to, didn't you?

1703
01:26:55,240 --> 01:26:58,080
And you craved that one moment

1704
01:26:58,120 --> 01:27:00,960
of human intimacy

1705
01:27:01,000 --> 01:27:03,800
perhaps more than anything else
you could imagine.

1706
01:27:05,840 --> 01:27:07,840
And that's your life, isn't it?

1707
01:27:07,880 --> 01:27:09,880
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1708
01:27:15,080 --> 01:27:17,080
Your shit life.

1709
01:27:18,680 --> 01:27:20,680
Your shit life.

1710
01:27:22,360 --> 01:27:24,360
This is my life.
(TAPS MICROPHONE)

1711
01:27:25,560 --> 01:27:28,960
Pure, simple, classic.

1712
01:27:31,000 --> 01:27:33,720
But listen to that -
there's no laughs, are there?

1713
01:27:35,000 --> 01:27:39,240
There's just a strange tense
atmosphere of hopeless despair.

1714
01:27:39,280 --> 01:27:41,280
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1715
01:27:43,040 --> 01:27:45,280
A bit like the kind
of atmosphere you might get

1716
01:27:45,320 --> 01:27:47,960
at the end
of an award-winning piece of theatre.

1717
01:27:52,000 --> 01:27:55,480
(APPLAUSE)
But no, it's not...

1718
01:27:55,520 --> 01:27:57,600
It's not appropriate
to end a comedy show.

1719
01:27:57,640 --> 01:27:59,520
So we'll... we'll end on a laugh.

1720
01:27:59,560 --> 01:28:01,600
And we will, we will end on a laugh.

1721
01:28:01,640 --> 01:28:03,760
I'll leave you
with a final closing joke.

1722
01:28:03,800 --> 01:28:06,360
I've only ever written
one decent closing joke.

1723
01:28:06,400 --> 01:28:08,760
I wrote it in September 1989.

1724
01:28:08,800 --> 01:28:10,920
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1725
01:28:10,960 --> 01:28:13,280
I don't know
what you're laughing at you (BLEEP)

1726
01:28:13,320 --> 01:28:15,520
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

1727
01:28:20,600 --> 01:28:22,600
So...

1728
01:28:25,160 --> 01:28:26,800
..I'm gonna finish with it now,

1729
01:28:26,840 --> 01:28:29,760
without changing any of
the now irrelevant personal details.

1730
01:28:29,800 --> 01:28:32,360
And then I'm gonna go.
I'll see you in a couple of years.

1731
01:28:32,400 --> 01:28:35,520
So I was talking to my grandad
the other day, he's 94 year...

1732
01:28:35,560 --> 01:28:37,920
Oh, he's dead now, obviously.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1733
01:28:41,960 --> 01:28:45,760
But he was alive when I wrote this,
I'm not sick, you know.

1734
01:28:45,800 --> 01:28:50,720
So I was talking to my grandad
the other day, he's 94 years old.

1735
01:28:50,760 --> 01:28:53,880
I said to him,
"Grandad, you are 94 years old.

1736
01:28:53,920 --> 01:28:57,080
What, in your experience,
has been the worst thing

1737
01:28:57,120 --> 01:28:58,920
about growing so old?"

1738
01:28:58,960 --> 01:29:00,960
And he said to me,
"Stew, in my experience,

1739
01:29:01,000 --> 01:29:03,160
the worst thing about growing so old

1740
01:29:03,200 --> 01:29:05,880
has been watching all of the friends
that I grew up with

1741
01:29:05,920 --> 01:29:08,320
slowly dying off one by one."

1742
01:29:08,360 --> 01:29:10,320
And I said to him, "Well, Grandad,

1743
01:29:10,360 --> 01:29:12,360
you fed them those berries."

1744
01:29:12,400 --> 01:29:15,080
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1745
01:29:15,120 --> 01:29:17,200
(APPLAUSE)

1746
01:29:17,240 --> 01:29:20,040
Poisonous berries there,
thank you for watching.

1747
01:29:20,080 --> 01:29:21,960
Goodnight.

1748
01:29:22,000 --> 01:29:24,000
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

1749
01:29:33,360 --> 01:29:35,360
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS TO END)

1750
01:29:40,040 --> 01:29:42,040
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE END)

1751
01:29:42,080 --> 01:29:45,000
(INDISTINCT CHATTER IN AUDIENCE)

1752
01:29:54,840 --> 01:29:59,320
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