And up next, Barb's Big Ups!
A big up to Lewis for his neck tattoo.
- (murmuring) - A big up
to this branch for cutting our processing time in half.
And a huge big ups to Colette
for helping a centenarian
- renew his license. - Oh!
Wait, a man-horse?
Those aren't real.
That's a centaur, you dodo.
Centenarian is someone that lives till they're 100.
I had no idea Walter was that old.
Although he did use a lot of words
we're not allowed to use anymore.
Lucky for us, he shared the key to his longevity.
I'm more interested in the key to short-gevity.
Every day, he does the sitting-rising test,
where he makes sure that he can stand up
from a cross-legged position without using his hands.
- (murmuring, chuckling) - Right?
- BARB: Focus, people! - I can totally do that.
- (murmuring) - Two weeks till the consultants choose
which branch to close.
People!
We cannot be distracted by a silly test.
That I'm dying to try.
- Clear the room! - (chattering)
- Yeah, yeah. Let's do it. - (squeals)
GREGG: Uh, Barb,
- I-I'll pass. - Good idea, Greggles.
You've already reached longevity.
- Arriba. - (whoops)
(excited chatter)
- Stop it. - (chuckling)
I was almost up.
Aw! This dang boot, you guys!
HOT KRISTEN: Come on, Barb.
You've got this. Just...
engage your core.
(groaning)
- (groans) English muffin! - (employees exclaiming)
Everybody has a core, right?
That's a rug burn.
COLETTE: That's fine.
So we agree? We're all at the same fitness level.
Yeah.
♪
(soft chatter)
- (gasps) Hey, chica. - (groans)
I told you not to call me that.
We're not there yet.
This is exactly why I don't respond to your text messages.
Fair.
Anyways, I need a favor.
- Absolutely. - From Gregg.
My Abuela Rosa's coming in today to take her driving test,
and I need you to fail her.
Uh, shouldn't be a problem.
As long as I'm in a mood.
And I'm always in a mood.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What about me?
Ceci, I always take the olds.
Remember this guy?
You won him for passing a 100-year-old.
- Yeah. - No, no, she needs to fail. This is dangerous.
She's never driven a day in her life and now,
all of a sudden, at 70, she wants to hit the open road?
No me digas.
I can handle it. I got you.
I'm your girl.
I'll stick with Gregg.
He's closer to being my girl.
W-Wow.
Okay.
Whatever. I'm gonna go
polish my trophy, which I won
for being good at old people.
Hey, thanks again, Gregg.
And since you don't care about longevity,
I won't feel as bad if she crashes and kills you.
Perfect.
Okay, old man.
Let's see how long you're gonna live
with this stupid no-hands challenge.
(exhales)
(grunts): Okay.
(exhales)
Not gonna quit until I do it.
(grunts)
Okay.
Is that Barb's retainer?
Ugh.
- (cooing, chuckling) - Hello.
I'm so glad you brought Gilbert
- back to the office, Vic. - Yeah.
He almost makes you likable.
- Yes, you do. - What is all the hubbub?
Did someone bring their pet into work today?
(whimpers)
- Uh... - Because I'm loving it!
- (chuckling) - Hey, mister.
- (barks) - (yelps) Oh!
- Oh. - (snarling)
Whoa. Chillax.
Gilbert. Um-- Sorry, Barb, I don't know what's going on.
- He's just joking. (chuckles) - (snarling continues)
He's just joking.
We give each other grief, you know? (chuckles)
We joke like that.
(growling)
(clears throat)
- Oh, my gosh, you really like her. - Yes, sir.
Yeah.
Uh, Jerem... y?
JEREMY: Yeah, that's me.
Sorry. (chuckles)
Uh, Señora Rodríguez?
- Sí. - Oh!
I'm Colette.
I'm a friend of your granddaughter's.
Well, almost.
Uh, little backstory--
we are the office will-they-won't-they
of friendship.
Okay.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Let's go, let's go.
Come on.
Yeah, yeah. Hurry. Thank you.
(grunting loudly)
- Hey, Gregg. - Noa.
Are you trying to do the no-hands challenge?
No, I just-- I dropped my pen.
- That's why I'm down here. - Oh.
This one right next to you.
Here you go.
Can't someone just sit on the floor
at work in peace?
Okay.
(grunting)
Oh, God. We have these for a reason!
Good news, people! We have found the source of the smell!
Raccoon dead in the vents!
Bad news-- we can't do anything about it.
Sounds like a rough day.
- (Barb gasps) - Need me to tap in?
NoHo... Beau.
No Beau Ho.
Beau, the manager from NoHo.
- What are you doing here? - Oh, hey, Barbara.
I'm just registering my new boat.
Can't you do that at your branch?
Mm-hmm. Since you asked, it's a catamaran.
Which is technically two boats.
And I was in the neighborhood.
But I need those tags stat,
because I'm taking Dan and Kshitija on it this weekend.
The DMV consultants?
I thought they were only doing dinners
with each branch manager.
Oh, God. We had our dinner last night.
Gangbusters. (chuckles softly) I laid out my vision
for the future, had a little ceviche
from this spot I recommended.
Did you ever taste leche de tigre?
Tiger's milk?
- Isn't that illegal? - What?
No, it was, like, scallops or shrimp with lime juice and junk.
But it was incredible. Or should I say "increíble"?
- Oh. - (chuckles) That's Spanish for "yummy."
Heard you have your dinner tonight.
I do.
Aw, I guess they're still doing it
as, like, a little parting gift.
We all know which branch they'll be closing.
Here's a hint-- we're standing in it
and it smells like dead raccoon.
- Oh! Who's this tiny gentleman? - Careful.
He-he doesn't like people.
(giggling): Oh!
Oh! He does like people!
He likes good managers.
Oh, who loves kisses? (chuckles)
Beau loves doggy kisses.
Gilbert's got to go.
- Effective immediately. - What?
I just got off the phone with corporate.
And, man, this really splits my uprights,
but they just banned canines from the workplace.
That's doggist.
I know.
My hands are tied.
Wait.
Does this have anything to do with the fact
that Gilbert doesn't like you?
(chuckles): What? What? No.
Seems pretty convenient
that Big Sac changed their policy
on the same day that I brought Gilbert in.
Plus, everyone knows
you stress eat when you lie.
What?
No, I don't.
So you normally eat an avocado like it's an apple?
The nutrients are in the skin, Vic.
Looks like Gregg isn't your only girl,
'cause, uh-- mission accomplished--
abuela fail-a.
No need to thank me.
You were right. She's a terrible driver.
But I stood strong,
even when she turned on the waterworks...
That's not my abuela.
Oh.
I don't get it.
She said her name was Señora Rodríguez.
(sighs)
Who in here's last name is Rodríguez?!
- Sí, aquí. - That's me.
No, no, relax. I'm not calling on you guys.
I'm just proving a point.
Okay, I need to go find Gregg.
My actual abuela's gonna get here any second.
Wait, but I-I just proved that I'm great
at failing old Rodríguezes.
Oh, yeah? You think you can be as harsh with my abuela?
- Yeah. - She can't even get through a grocery store aisle
without knocking things over with her cart.
She doesn't even shop anymore. She just buys whatever falls in.
Look, if you're so concerned, come with me.
Please just let me do this for you, Ceci.
As a friend.
Fine. It'll be a road test for the both of you.
Awesome. I'm gonna destroy that old bag.
Too much.
It was. Yeah.
Oh! Whoa!
(groans)
What a numpty. (chuckles)
That's, uh, Kiwi slang for "idiot." (grunts)
Anyway, I'll just gather these up
and... pop up.
You see, it's kind of like surfing.
You just, like, fire the glutes.
Shwoop. Pop up.
Oh, thank you, Noa.
- Yeah. - Having you do it repeatedly
in front of me is extremely helpful
- and not making me think about my longevity at all. - I'm sorry.
It's just that you're always taking me under your wing,
and this is something that I can do for you.
Yeah. But I helped you learn how to do your job
and deal with family issues.
You're teaching me how to stand up.
- Yeah. - (sighs)
Mate, I'm here for you.
Hey, what's the Kiwi slang for "get the hell out of here"?
It's "haere atu." It's, um...
Haere atu.
Yes, that's good!
Haere atu.
- I'll just go. Okay. - Yeah.
Okay.
Pop.
- Beau Young. - Yes?
- Mm-mm. - Oh.
Decided to come to a real DMV
to see how the studs do it?
Are you kidding? I've been here for two hours.
To register my catamaran.
W-- A catty?
Two hulls to the skull? Dude, that is epic.
You have no idea.
This is me Titanic-ing.
- We do it all the time. - (chuckling)
Gilbert's my Rose.
(chuckles) So, uh...
(high-pitched): ...where you taking this little guy?
Barb put the kibosh on pets at the workplace.
- Really? - Yeah.
Barb doesn't want the dog in here, huh?
Well, you know, there is a workaround if you want.
You ever hear of an emotional support animal?
There is this bird in the parking lot I talk to.
Mm. Sure.
All you need is a letter from a therapist.
And I got a guy who will write one for just about anything.
I once got out of jury duty
thanks to something called "narcissism."
(chuckles) Can you believe it?
Me? Beau Young? (chuckles)
- This guy? (laughing) - (chuckling)
- This guy? - Oh, man.
- That's perfect. - (chuckles)
'Cause I definitely don't have any real issues.
(weird baby voice): Ain't that right, Gilbert?
- Ah, no, I can see that. - (chuckling)
Nice turn back there, Abuela Rosa.
Nuh-uh. Just "Rosa."
- She's not your grandma. - Fine.
How am I doing?
I have to say, Rosa, you are
handling this big rig pretty well.
I've been taking lessons for months.
- Yeah. - Now that my last nieta's in college,
Estefani-- oh, my God, she was a project--
it's time for my third act.
Maybe expand the radius of my Tinder
to include Palm Springs.
(quietly): Looks like you didn't have to be worried at all.
She's actually a pretty good driver.
Mm, I don't think she's ready.
- No, she is. - Mm.
Trust me. Yeah.
- Hey, Abuela. - Hmm?
Did you know that Colette dated Cousin Miguel?
- (stammers) Really? - Mm-hmm.
He just bought a new townhouse.
Eat-in kitchen.
That doesn't matter to her. Because guess what.
She dumped him.
- ¿Que qué? - Uh-huh.
Uh, can we just focus on the road test?
Just kicked him to the curb. And you want to know why?
Why?
Because he was too short.
¡Qué barbaridad!
- And he's not short. - Mm-mm.
He's concentrated, like the best orange juice.
Right on Sunset, please.
Hey, Gregg!
Uh, L.A. Dodgers' Yoshinobu Yamamoto is out here
with a delicious bundt cake.
Oh, what flavor? (groans loudly)
My back just went out.
- (groans) - Oh, no.
Yamamoto's not out there, is he?
I'm so sorry, mate. That was a dirty trick.
But you did almost stand up.
What you're doing is pushing,
but what you need to do is-is pop.
Leave me alone.
But bring me a slice of that bundt cake, please.
Gregg, this is really not your day.
You can't stand
and there's no bundt cake.
There is no bundt cake?!
What the hell?!
Ugh, you're still here?
Of course I still am.
And this place still smells like that dead raccoon.
I don't have time for this, Beau.
A colleague of mine
is gonna bedazzle my boot for my dinner tonight
at a little place called Paul Fleming Chang's.
You're taking the consultants to P.F. Chang's?
It's the best Asian food in Los Angeles.
I know it is. I'm Asian.
Barb, there's a new vest in town.
Mmm!
(grunts) That's right.
- (snarling) - Gilbert is officially
an emotional support animal.
Got a letter from a therapist and everything.
(quietly): The dog's supposed to wear the vest, you idiot.
This one's for a husky.
Oh. I thought it was just for men with bigger builds.
Beau put you up to this?
Well, I guess there's only one thing left for me to do.
And that's to, uh, welcome Gilbert back to the office.
(groans)
Sons of Anarchy! Gilbert bit me!
- No, he didn't. - (Gilbert whimpering)
- BARB: Yowch. - VIC: Okay, then.
- Let me see it. - Are you kidding?
Lift my arm?
It'll be Geyser Permanente.
- (panting) - Well, you're in good hands,
because I happen to be a registered volunteer medic.
Yeah, well, you're a registered volunteer liar!
Let me see the bite. In fact, we all want to see
- the bite, don't we?! - Yeah.
Oh...!
Never you're touching me!
(panting, hisses)
Boo-yah!
CECI: So, Colette,
what were you, uh, thinking about getting your mom
for Mother's Day?
I don't know.
I'll listen for clues on our weekly phone call.
Hello?
You only call her once a week?
- Mm-hmm. - What does your poor mother do
the rest of the time?
File a missing persons report?
(laughs) Good one, Abuela.
(quietly): What the hell is going on?
Are you trying to upset her so that she'll fail?
(scoffs) No.
No, no, no. Of course not. If anything,
I'm trying to relax her.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm. Abuela, look! The Pope!
- ¿¡Dónde?! ¿¡El Papa?! - Huh?
- No, no! Look out! - Aah!
(hissing)
(sighs)
Thankfully, none of the girls selling the cookies were hurt.
But the only right thing to do was to buy up
all of their stock.
I think these are knockoffs.
I mean, what the hell is a Thick Mint?
I'm sorry I couldn't pass you.
A fender bender is an automatic failure.
ROSA: It's okay.
It's my fault for getting distracted.
Yeah.
I'll-I'll wait for you to give me a ride home.
Okay.
Looks like she's not getting behind the wheel anytime soon.
(squeals) Gracias, chica.
- You really are my girl. - (chuckles softly)
- ROSA: Colette. - Yeah.
- I'll pray for you. - Oh.
Ayúdala a pararse derecha.
Thank you.
She recommended a posture bra.
I'm wearing one.
Hmm. Hmm.
(sighs)
Don't look at me like that.
GREGG: Shh.
Down here.
I-I think I may be going through something.
- Ugh, boy. - (sighs)
That makes two of us. Gregg...
...permission to vent?
Denied.
I just failed Ceci's abuela,
like she asked, but she was a...
Rosa was a very good driver.
I'm starting to think that I don't have a spine.
Me, either.
I was so focused on being friends
I forgot that being friends means
being able to say when you're unhappy.
I'm unhappy.
I need to have an honest conversation with Ceci,
but that terrifies me.
Hey, could we do a role-play? Uh, you be me, I'll be Ceci.
Please, no.
(imitates Ceci): "Colette, hello?
Just why?"
That's it.
Oh, my God!
I did it. I stood up on my own.
I'm gonna live long enough to hate old age. (chuckling)
I just needed someone annoying enough to push me.
Damn, Noa, it was more of a pop.
He did it.
That crazy son of a bitch did it.
I can hear you, Noa.
Ah. Yeah.
Where's your little carpet sniffer?
Gilbert? He's taking a nap.
But I came to apologize.
Really?
Yeah, he bit you, and that's not okay.
So the only responsible thing to do is to...
put Gilbert down.
You're right. It's the right thing to do.
Oh. Okay.
Um, but j-just to be super clear,
you know what "putting down" means, right?
He was a good boy.
And may he rest in power.
I'm not gonna euthanize my son.
(exhales)
Why does Gilbert hate me?
And why does he love Beau?
Why do you care so much?
If I cannot get a tiny little dog to respect me,
how can I get the consultants to?
I see what this is.
- (exhales) - Gilbert knows
you're the alpha around here.
And as a fellow alpha,
he's challenging you.
You think that he sees me as an alpha?
I know he does.
This is your territory, Barb,
so you can't back down.
You got to show them you're the big dog.
I used to see it in the foster system all the time.
But with weirdly more shedding.
Ceci.
Hey, girl.
I'm taking Rosa on another test.
Whether you like it or not.
She worked her butt off for this moment.
She deserved to pass. And she...
would have if you hadn't purposely messed her up.
She's a very good driver.
I know.
Oh.
Okay.
Is that it? I thought you were gonna make fun of
my shoes or something.
What's going on with you?
Honestly, I thought she was gonna bomb that test.
And then when I realized she was gonna pass, it just...
I just don't want to let her go.
Oh. Ceci.
My whole life, she's just...
She's been the one that I was closest to, you know?
My parents worked a bunch, but she was always there.
Even now, she's, like, my best friend.
We go to the movies together, we get our nails done,
we-we make fun of celebrities' botched plastic surgery.
Now, what, she wants to just...
go do her own thing? Like,
- mm. - Doesn't she deserve that?
What if she actually wants to move to Palm Springs
after falling in love with one of those desert macho men
or something?
Clearly, you've never been to Palm Springs.
I'm just not ready to let her spread her wings.
You are.
Your abuela helped you and her other grandchildren grow strong,
and now her new project is herself.
Fine.
You can retest her.
Thank you.
And your shoes are tragic.
They're good for my arches.
Mm. They better be.
Question-- should a catamaran actually be two boats?
I figured out why you're here.
To get in my head.
What? (scoffs)
Don't flatter yourself.
You're intimidated by me.
Why else come all the way here
to do something that would've taken you three seconds?
- Hmm. - You act like you've already won,
but, really, you're scared
'cause we're the better branch.
And the big dog,
the big dog's nipping at your heels!
(barking loudly)
I'm the big dog!
Jilloyce,
help this man with his boat and send him on his way.
Barb's branch.
(exhales)
You haven't seen the last of me, Barbara!
Oh, yeah, there's no boat.
Another question-- have you seen the latest edition of 10 and 2?
Colette said I didn't make one mistake, Cecilia María.
Best test of the day.
That's really great, Abuela. (sniffles)
I got to-- I got to retake that last one.
What's wrong? Is my lipstick too much?
It's called Tropixxx,
with three X's.
Uh, no, no. I just got, like...
An eyelash got stuck or something.
Okay, one more shot.
It's beautiful.
Thank you, baby.
CECI: You actually look really hot.
ROSA: Oh, thank you.
Don't worry, Dan. The Dynamite Shrimp is not made of dynamite.
(laughing)
- Okay. - (phone rings)
Go for Berry.
Oh, hi, Dan. I was just heading out for our dinner.
Oh. Food poisoning?
From ceviche, huh?
(exhales sharply) You cannot trust raw fish.
It's like going skinny-dipping with snapping turtles.
Whoever recommended that really should not be running a DMV.
Yeah, I can reschedule for tomorrow.
Okay, then.
Hydrate!
Mr. Perfect gave the consultants food poisoning.
We're coming for you, Beau Young.
Hasta ceviche, baby.
(chuckles softly)
(Gilbert snarls, barks)
Gilbert.
- (growls) - You don't want any part of this.
(whimpering)
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Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org