["Change" playing]
- Mrs. Mariann. - You have the nine and a half?
- Yeah, you're a lucky lady. - Oh, I'm excited.
Last pair. Let me see those beautiful feet.
The right foot's all right?
There you go. Get it in there.
[grunting]
- They're too tight. - It's okay. All right.
- Are these the nine and a half? - These are the nine and a half, yeah.
Do you have the next size?
No, not in a Kerrybrooke. But that's why I don't like Kerrybrooke,
because they fit really small. They're made for dolls or something.
- They're too tight. - Okay, take 'em off. Don't worry about it.
- You ever try Vitality? - No.
I'll be right with you.
Excuse me. Sorry.
I bought a pair of shoes here the other day from him, with the glasses.
- Marty. - Yeah?
This woman said she bought a pair of shoes from you.
Oh, yeah. You bought the brown Mary Janes, right?
Yeah, I did. They're great. I wore them out of the store.
- Okay. - So I left my old ones here.
Okay. What did they look like?
They're two-toned pumps, wingtips.
- Lloyd, did you see her shoes? - No.
Is it possible that you maybe put them in one of the boxes
of the other shoes that I was trying on and restocked them?
Okay. All right. Um...
Do you mind if my colleague helps you out for a second?
Lloyd. Can you help with Mariann here?
Sure. Sure.
Yeah, we'll check the basement. Come.
Thank you. Excuse me.
Lloyd's gonna help you. Get the Vitalities.
Okay. I'll think about the price.
I'll be right with you. Let me finish up here.
[Mariann] Okay, thank you.
- What? - Shh.
- [person] Marty. - Ah, fuck.
I wanna show you something. Come here.
- What? - One second. Just get low. Go low.
Why do I have to get low?
- How you doing? - Marty, look what I got for ya.
What is this?
Check it out.
[Marty] What am I looking at?
Turn it over.
- Manager? - Manager.
Come on, Murray.
Whatever you do, just don't tell Lloyd about this.
Look, I've been very clear with you.
I'm not trying to be disrespectful. You built something very commendable here.
I don't wanna-- I don't wanna discuss this now.
Stop. Stop. Let me say something.
It's been good for my soul to see this up close and personal.
- But I'm not a shoe salesman. - I don't wanna discuss this.
- I'm not a shoe salesman. - I don't wanna discuss this, okay?
I do wanna discuss it, 'cause when I'm back from my trip, this is over.
I'm not coming back and doing this.
Speaking of which, can we settle up now? I gotta buy my plane ticket.
We'll settle at closing.
I wanted to see the travel agent on my break.
You'll never come back after your lunch break.
That's what you think of me?
- Yes. - You think I would go and not come back?
Yes. I said settle at closing, okay?
- That's it? - Yeah, that's it. Goodbye.
[Marty] I love you.
- Come on. - Wait. Just wait for me.
[chuckling]
I was about... I was about to come to you.
No, Ira's home sick.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. I can't get sick. - What?
I got the championships.
No, it's food poisoning. It's food poisoning.
["Forever Young" playing]
[moaning]
I wish I could hide you in my luggage.
I wanna come with you so bad.
[both breathing heavily]
♪ Let's dance in style Let's dance for a while ♪
♪ Heaven can wait We're only watching the skies ♪
♪ Hoping for the best But expecting the worst ♪
♪ Are you gonna drop the bomb or not? ♪
♪ Let us die young Or let us live forever ♪
♪ We don't have the power But we never say never ♪
♪ Sitting in a sandpit Life is a short trip ♪
♪ The music's for the sad men ♪
♪ Can you imagine when this race is won? ♪
♪ Turn our golden faces into the sun ♪
♪ Praising our leaders We're getting in tune ♪
♪ The music's played by the... The madmen ♪
♪ Forever young ♪
♪ I want to be forever young ♪
♪ Do you really want to live forever? ♪
♪ Forever and ever ♪
♪ Forever young ♪
♪ I want to be forever young ♪
♪ Do you really want to live forever? ♪
Backhand. Backhand. Backhand.
Forehand. Forehand. Forehand.
Backhand. Backhand. Backhand.
Forehand. Forehand.
Backhand. Backhand.
And lob.
[groans]
Forehand.
- Marty! - What!
- Phone! - Tell him I left 20 minutes ago!
I'm not your goddamn messenger! Pick up the goddamn phone!
I can't. Wally, take the white shirt off.
I can't follow the white ball against the white shirt.
Stop it. You're a fucking sun dodger.
Oh, yeah? I love you. I love you.
Hello?
It's Judy.
Hi, Judy.
Your mother, she's very sick.
Okay, really?
Yes. She's gray in the face. She's speaking nonsense.
She's asking for you. You should come home.
Sounds really bad. You should probably call an ambulance.
Who's gonna go with her?
Uh, I don't know. You should probably go since you're so invested.
[whispering on phone]
Hold on a minute.
[Judy] He's not buying it.
[mother whispering] Just tell him I stopped breathing!
[Judy] Absolutely not. That's ridiculous. I'm not saying that.
Tell him you're taking me to the hospital.
Okay, fine. I'll take her to the emergency room
and sit there and wait for God knows how long.
And you can come here and give my husband his medicine
and massage his feet all night long.
[mother] Tell him I passed out.
[Judy] Oh, my God! Your mother, she just lost consciousness.
[Judy] You've gotta come home now.
[Ira] Hello?
Hi. Just give me a second.
[Marty] I don't know what you want me to say, Judy.
I'm busy. I'm on my lunch break.
I can hear her whispering. She's right there standing next to you.
- [Judy] I told you she passed out. - [Marty] It's annoying me now.
Who are you talking to?
Oh. I'm not talking to anybody.
Judy's just been tying up the line for an hour.
I got you some broth.
It's ice cold.
Yeah, 'cause the line was really long at the shop.
Oh, yeah? So that's what they'll say if I call down and ask?
You don't believe me? You calling me a liar?
Pick up the phone and call them.
You're gonna have to get Judy off the phone first.
- Oh, okay. - [Judy speaks indistinctly]
Hey, Judy, get off the phone.
[rattling]
[spraying]
Okay, this is a normal IATT approved ball.
Try to follow the white ball against the white.
Almost impossible, right?
I don't even see your eyes moving.
If I'm wearing a white shirt, you can't see the ball.
Now, imagine it with an orange ball, which no one's ever thought of.
See? You're already following it way better. Look at his eyes.
- See how his eyes are looking? - Yeah, I see it.
[Marty] You're looking more engaged now.
So that's what we wanna do. Right now in the world of table tennis,
you're obliged to wear black, just so you can follow the white ball.
Look at this. That's Ted Bailey.
Who's that?
That's the number one ranked player in the world right now.
He's the British champion. I've already beat him, by the way.
Now look at this.
That's Jack Kramer, number one tennis player.
- What's the difference there? - He's wearing all white.
He's in all white. It's beautiful.
To me, that's luxury. To me, that's class. You could sell that.
Marty, a custom ball like that is gonna cost a lot of money.
Of course it's custom. It's an original ball for an original guy.
It's the Marty Supreme ball, not the Marty Normal ball.
But what's it gonna cost?
It doesn't matter the cost. We can't cheap out on this.
It's gonna be nominal, Mr. Galanis.
[person] You always said we gotta spend money to make money, right?
Get me a cup of coffee.
No. Get your secretary to get ya a cup of coffee.
Nancy's busy. Just get me a coffee.
Dad, we're talking like men about business here.
- I'm not getting ya a cup of coffee. - Get me the damn coffee!
Marty, you want a coffee?
No, I'm all right. I'm not drinking caffeine.
Listen.
I appreciate you're friends with my son.
- He's limited. - [scoffs]
He's 30 years old. He's still living at home.
He hasn't done much.
And he doesn't know business. He doesn't know the costs.
I don't think he's limited, Mr. Galanis, respectfully.
I mean, look at your business success.
That's in your DNA, and you passed that through to Dion.
- It just hasn't been awoken yet. - I don't know.
I wouldn't be here trying to involve you in something
that I didn't fully in my bones believe in.
I have tremendous respect for your money. I know it's hard to believe,
but I'm telling you, this game, it fills stadiums overseas.
And it's only a matter of time before it fills stadiums in the United States too,
before I'm staring at you from the cover of a Wheaties box.
[Galanis] I don't know nothing about this business.
[Marty] No, you don't. That's why you gotta trust me.
This time next week, I'll be the first American to ever win the British Open.
That'll slide me into the number one ranking for the World Championship.
Life magazine's gonna cover it. Look magazine's gonna cover it.
They have to. The editor of Look magazine, he loves me. They all love me.
I'm uniquely positioned to be the face of the entire sport in the United States.
[upbeat music playing]
[rattling]
Lloyd!
I'm closing up.
Yeah, I can see that. Just here to see my uncle.
He left.
He left? What do you mean he left? For the day?
He had to take your mother to the hospital.
For crying out loud. She's not sick.
Hey, Lloyd, he owes me money. We were supposed to settle up today.
Well, maybe if you didn't take that five-hour lunch,
- you would have spoke with him. - Oh, shut up.
[dialing]
[ringing]
[mother] Hello.
You're sounding a lot better, huh? That happened quick.
[chuckles] I'll live, no thanks to you!
Enough, Mom. Are you with Murray? Be honest.
No. I think he left for his trip. Okay?
His trip? What trip?
He's taking Esther to Kutchers for the weekend.
But he would have stayed if I asked him to.
You're not sick, Mom. He was supposed to give me my money for my flight.
Well, I don't know anything about that, sweetie.
Yes, you do! Why do you think I'm working here?
I literally only accepted this job for that.
I have no idea what you are implying.
- You know what this is? - What, what is this?
This is sabotage. You're sabotaging me.
Oh, please. You're sabotaging your own life.
[door opens]
- What is that? - What?
Are you seriously thinking I'm gonna rob you?
Just a reflex.
If I wanted to rob you, you'd be dead. You'd be in a pool of blood.
I came to grab my suit. You know I bought this specifically for my trip?
Didn't know you need a suit to play ping pong.
I just want the $700 that Murray owes me.
Yeah, or what?
- Or I'm gonna shoot you in the leg. - No you're not.
You sure about that?
You shoot me in the leg, you'll be spending the next few years in jail.
I'll shoot you in the head instead.
You're not gonna do that either.
Look, Lloyd, I just want what was promised to me, not a penny more.
I'm gonna be coming home with ten times that amount in prize money.
So just turn the other cheek, let me take what I'm owed,
and I'll give you an even $100 dollars when I get back.
Not interested.
Lloyd, come on. Look at me, please.
We both know you'd love nothing more than to see my ass get canned.
You're a thousand times more motivated than me to do this job,
and yet look at this, okay?
Look.
Murray gave that to me. Flip it over.
Manager. I'm gonna be your boss!
How unfair is that? I could fire you whenever I want.
I could tell you to sweep the floor on your hands and knees.
How about that, okay?
[sighs]
Lloyd, I'm actually pointing a gun at you right now.
I'm actually threatening to use it.
This is a legit robbery like any other. My fingerprints are all over this thing.
These are facts.
So open the safe, let me take what I'm owed,
and you can call Murray, tell him exactly what happened,
get me fired, press charges. Whatever you want, okay?
Fine.
["I Have the Touch" playing]
- [flight attendant] Here you go, sir. - Thank you.
♪ The time I like is the rush hour ♪
♪ 'Cause I like the rush ♪
[thunderclap]
♪ The pushing of the people ♪
♪ I like it all so much ♪
♪ Such a mass of motion ♪
♪ Do not know where it goes ♪
We don't get our own rooms?
It's freezing in here.
[photographer] I really need you to be serious now. Eyes on me.
Pakistan, I need you to look at me.
Wait, Japan brought a team this year? You see that?
Yeah. The Japs sent a team.
What about the travel ban?
- They must have lifted it. - No more travel ban?
[photographer] Okay, gentlemen, I want you to flip your paddles for me now.
Thank you very much.
Here we go. One. Two. Three.
Hold it still.
["I Have the Touch" continues]
♪ Shake hands ♪
[music ends]
[Marty grunting]
[umpire 1] Match point, Mauser.
[crowd applauding]
[both grunting]
Match, Mauser.
[crowd cheering]
You let me get to my forehand too much. Should've tried to put me in my backhand.
[umpire 2] Point, Endo.
[crowd applauding]
[tense music playing]
[umpire 2] Point, Endo.
- What's the score here? - Nineteen-four.
- The Japanese guy? - Japanese guy's trashing Bailey.
What's he using? What's that paddle?
[spectator] I don't know, mate. No one knows.
It's silent.
- [spectator] Like a ghost! - [Marty] Wow.
[umpire 2] Point, Endo.
Match point.
- Great game, Marty. - Great game.
[umpire 3] Match, Mauser.
The winners of the tournament at Stockholm...
Hey. You're Ram Sethi, right?
Sorry, could you hold for a moment?
- You don't mind? - No. Can I help you with something?
I was just curious, where are you staying while you're in town?
What business is it of yours?
I'm just saying, what hotel are you staying at?
All the IATT representatives are stationed at the Ritz.
- At the Ritz? Yeah, that's what I heard. - Yes.
- Do you think that's okay? - I don't know what you're implying.
- Have you seen where they put me? - Is it a problem?
Well, with all due respect, sir, it's a dump.
I'm so sorry it doesn't meet your high standards.
We offer complimentary housing to all our players, Mr. Mauser.
So far as I know, you're the only one to complain.
You're talking to me like I'm any player off the street, okay?
I need good rest so I can win the tournament.
You know perfectly well what an American win will do for the future of the sport.
- I'm good for table tennis, Mr. Sethi. - Appeal to the USTTA.
There is no USTTA. The USTTA is two guys and a desk. It doesn't exist.
- Well, that's not my problem. - It is your problem.
I wanna stay where you're staying! That's what I need!
I am finding this whole exchange really offensive.
- You're offended? - I am offended.
I'm offended! You're making your star player huddle in a rat's ass!
I'm so sorry for that interruption.
Um, back to Ceylon and Mexico...
- This is a nice hotel. Must cost a mint. - Yeah, very nice.
The IATT covers accommodations?
- Only for their star players. - Is that right? How many are there?
Star players? I don't know. I haven't seen any others, so one.
Any nerves, going into the semis?
Nerves? Against Kletzki? No. You kidding me?
Well, he's won the tournament for the last three years.
- He's got quite the reputation. - [Marty] I have quite the reputation.
Look, I'm gonna do to Kletzki what Auschwitz couldn't.
Okay. I'm gonna finish the job.
- Jesus Christ. - [reporter 1] A little strong, mate.
It's all right. I'm Jewish. I can say that.
In fact, if you think about it, I'm like Hitler's worst nightmare.
And why's that?
Look at me. I'm here.
I did it, I'm on top. I'm the ultimate product of Hitler's defeat.
Yeah, write that down. That was good. Write that down.
- [reporter 1] Nice one. - "Ultimate product of Hitler's defeat."
- I do like that confidence. - Put that under a picture of me.
- Tell us a bit about your background. - My background?
[snores]
[reporters laugh]
No, but seriously... My mother died in childbirth.
My father was a compulsive loser who abandoned me when I was two years old.
I got stuck in the New York City orphanage system,
got shuttled from one hellhole to the next.
- Naturally, got in trouble with the law. - Isn't that Kay Stone?
I don't want any of that to define me.
Excuse me. Excuse me. What?
- It's Kay Stone over there. - That's her.
[Marty] Who's that?
[reporter 2] Well, you know, the movie actress. Like, from the 1930s.
- Opportunities. - Opportunities?
- That was good. - Yeah, yeah. Great movie.
- Black Box. - My dad loved her.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- [Marty] She was big? - [reporter 3] She was huge.
[reporter 1] Came and went. That's her.
- [reporter 3] That's Hollywood, mate. - [reporter 1] Yeah. It's her.
[reporter 2] It is indeed.
Something about a lake?
- Shadow Lake. - Yeah, that was good.
[reporter 1] Great legs. Gorgeous, mate. Gorgeous.
Think I have a chance, lads?
Next question.
[ringing]
[line clicks]
[Kay] Hello?
- Kay? - Speaking.
Hey, it's Marty Mauser. I'm in the Royal Suite.
I saw you in the lobby yesterday.
Okay.
Yeah, we made eye contact. I was being interviewed.
[Kay scoffs]
I don't recall.
Well, I'm a huge admirer.
Okay. Can I help you with something?
Maybe. I just ordered one of everything off the room service menu.
There's no way I'll be able to eat it all alone.
Ah.
So you'd like me to come up to your room?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah. - Perhaps I should send my husband instead.
Sure. He can come up here, and I'll come down to you.
- Wonderful. Thank you. Goodbye. - Wait. I wanna keep talking.
[scoffs] Why is that?
Because I've never talked to an actual movie star.
Well, now you have. I hope the experience was all you thought it would be.
You know, I'm something of a performer too.
- Are you? - Yeah. You don't believe me?
I... [stammers]
You... What? What?
You're a performer?
Yeah, I'm a performer. You got the Daily Mail in front of you?
Uh, I do have it, yes.
Okay. Well, turn to page 12.
[Kay sighs]
Uh...
Page 12.
Okay. What am I looking at here?
- Down the middle, in the center. - Uh.
This is you?
Yeah, "the chosen one." It's a nice picture, right?
Ping pong?
I play table tennis. I'm here competing in the British Open.
- How old are you? - I'm 23.
Twenty-three.
Yeah.
I bet you can't name one film I've done.
What makes you say that?
Because I stopped acting before you were born.
- Really? That's really interesting. - Mm-hmm.
Kay, did you use my razor to shave your legs?
It's dull. I've cut myself.
- No. - Who's that? Your husband?
I guess someone must've snuck in and chopped wood with it.
- I'm on the phone. - Holy shit.
- [husband] With whom? - [Kay] Debbie.
- [husband] Debbie. - [Marty] Debbie?
Tell her to get a life.
- Is he gone? - Mm-hmm.
Okay.
So, why'd you stop acting? Let's talk about that.
You know, I really have to go.
You must miss it, don't you? Come watch me play at Wembley tomorrow.
I... I can't.
Come on. You can watch me dethrone the number one ranked player in the world.
I'm not available.
Oh, yeah? What you got going on?
Actually, I have a big promotional event to attend to for my husband.
Oh, okay.
What's he promoting?
Pens.
- [laughs] Pens? Are you serious? - Pens.
- Like, writing pens? - Yes.
What, like, he's a pen salesman?
How can you afford the suite you're in?
He owns Rockwell Ink.
Oh. Okay. Well...
Yes.
- I know Rockwell Ink. - I'm sure you do.
[chuckles] Okay.
Well, what's the event?
He's hired Agatha Christie to sign books at Hatchards.
Ooh.
That sounds really boring.
Okay.
[Kay sighs]
[dreamy music playing]
- [phone ringing] - [Kay] Oh, for God's sake.
- What is it? [sighs] - [Marty] Don't hang up. Just one question.
Does your room face the street or the courtyard?
I don't know.
Just answer the question. Is it facing the street or the courtyard?
- The courtyard. - Okay.
I need you to go to the window. What floor are you on?
I'm on the third floor, I believe.
Third floor. Okay, perfect.
Look across the street.
You see the open window with a bowl of fruit on the table?
I do.
Here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna make an apple appear in that bowl.
And if I do, you're gonna blow off your little rendezvous and come watch me play.
No, no, no. I'm not agreeing to anything, no.
You don't have to agree to anything. I'm gonna do it anyway. Okay? One...
two...
three.
I'll leave a ticket for you at the box office.
[hangs up]
[crowd applauding]
[announcer] Point, Mauser.
Twenty to five.
Kletzki trails Mauser two games to nil.
Game and match point, Mauser.
- Let's have a little fun with this one. - Okay.
- Have a little fun, all right? - Gotcha.
[announcer] Service switches to Kletzki.
[crowd cheering, applauding]
[grunts]
[cheering continues]
[announcer] Point, Kletzki.
Very well, gentlemen. Thank you for that. Thank you.
Kletzki serves 6-20.
Mauser leads two games to zero.
Match point again for Mr. Mauser.
Your service again, Kletzki.
[chuckles, grunts]
[announcer] Point, Mauser!
[crowd cheering]
[announcer] Mauser wins the game and match by 21-6. Three games to nil.
Mauser's on to the finals where he will face Koto Endo of Japan.
Get whatever you want. Don't even look at the prices, okay?
What are you getting?
I'm gonna get the Beef Wellington and the caviar tasting plate
because they're the most expensive items on the menu.
Listen, I would like to keep going back a little bit about the Globetrotters.
- About the Harlem Globetrotters, again? - Yes.
- I told you, I'm not interested. - Why not?
'Cause I don't wanna do it.
It's great money.
And we will travel all over the world. Have you seen Venice?
I don't wanna be doing trick shots for a halftime show
while people are going to the bathroom.
That's beneath me, okay?
- They're treated like royalty. - Where's the waiter?
- Listen, I know people who have done this. - Excuse me.
Excuse me.
[Kletzki] It's a great opportunity. We should not miss it.
Marty.
[maître d'] Yes, sir. May I help you, sir?
Hi. Can we order?
Of course, sir. Let me fetch your waiter.
- Hang on. - Yes.
Uh, I'll be taking care of the Rockwell tab tonight.
Put it on my room. The Royal Suite. Marty Mauser.
- And make sure they know it's me, too. - I will. Leave it to me, sir.
- Don't take no for an answer. - I won't.
- Marty Mauser. Royal Suite. Go tell 'em. - Will do, sir.
Okay. Look at me. Don't look there. Look at me.
- Who's Rockwell? - Some bozo.
Look over now. Be subtle about it. What's he doing?
He hasn't been here before, sir.
He's looking at us.
- Really? - Yeah.
Okay, keep talking to me. Be normal.
I want you to reconsider.
We would be a great team. I wanna do this with you.
Why are you so fixed on the Harlem Globetrotters?
It's very sad what they do, okay?
Some of the premier athletes on the planet reduced to acting like circus clowns.
What's he doing now?
Actually, he's coming towards us.
- Just be normal. Act casual. - Okay, fine. Okay.
Excuse me. Do I know you?
Mm-mmm.
I don't think so.
And you wanna buy dinner for my entire table tonight?
- [Marty] Yeah. Is it okay? - Why?
What do you mean, why? Do I need a reason?
Let me rephrase that. What do you want?
No, I don't want anything. It's just my small way of saying thank you.
- Thank you? - Yeah.
Thank me for what, specifically?
For all your products.
I mean, where would we be without pens?
You know, I have many talents, but the one I'm most proud of
is the ability to smell bullshit from a mile away--
I'm being completely sincere.
- Where are you from? - New York. What about you?
New York too. What do you do?
I'm a professional athlete.
- Really? What sport? - Table tennis.
Table tennis? That's a sport?
Of course it is. I'm here competing in the British Open.
I'm playing at Wembley tomorrow
in front of a sold-out crowd in the finals against Japan.
I'm here representing the United States.
Wait, wait, wait. Japan? Japan has a team here?
- That's what I just said. - How'd they get around the travel ban?
Because table tennis is the fastest growing sport in Asia.
It's huge over there.
Oh, you're gonna like this.
Do you know what they call their grip? The way they hold their rackets?
- No. - They call it penholder.
So what?
You can use that.
Use it for what?
For an advertisement or something. I don't know, you're the business guy.
I'm being rude. This is my associate, Béla Kletzki.
[Kletzki] Nice to meet you, sir.
I assume you're a table tennis player also?
I am. I am. Actually, I was the World Champion from '35 to '39.
He was the World Champion. I beat him today.
He beat me. But he's much younger than me.
[Marty] I'm much better than him, much more talented.
I can't help but notice this tattoo. You were in one of the camps, weren't you?
Auschwitz-Birkenau. Yeah. Why do you ask?
My son lost his life liberating you.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I thought you were liberated by the Soviets.
- We were. - It wasn't the Americans.
I didn't mean it literally. He was serving in the South Pacific.
Well, what happened to him?
What do you mean? He was killed.
[chuckles]
You find that funny?
Oh, God. No, I just get nervous laughter sometimes.
If it's any consolation,
I'll be dropping a third atom bomb on their heads tomorrow.
Yeah, I'm sure his mother's gonna get a lot of comfort
that you're playing ping pong in his honor.
It's not that big of a deal, but I appreciate it.
Tell him-- He used to diffuse bombs for the Nazis.
Tell him the story you told me about--
I've got a whole table of people waiting.
Wait, wait. You're gonna love this story. Tell him.
- You wanna hear it? - Not really, but go ahead.
[Marty] No, tell him. It's beautiful.
Okay, I'll make it quick. So...
when I first got to the camp, I was put into housing.
Lucky for me, there was an officer who recognized me.
He had seen me in 1935 at the World Championships in Prague.
This guy was a real fan. I mean, a real fan, okay?
You're telling me he let you live because you played ping pong?
They respected my skills, yeah.
[classical music playing]
[Kletzki] So then, they taught me how to dismantle SC bombs.
Okay?
Each morning, they would send me into the woods with the bombs
on the outskirts of the camp where I could only do damage to myself.
[honeybee buzzing]
So one time,
I followed a honeybee.
A bee?
A honeybee,
all the way to its hive.
And I smoked all the bees out.
And then broke it open,
and I smeared the honey all over my chest, my arms, everywhere.
Why?
'Cause later that night,
I let all my bunk mates to lick the honey off of me for nourishment.
[knocking]
[music stops]
Heads.
- Fuck. - Endo, choice?
Serve.
I'll go to that side.
[crowd applauding]
- [announcer] On my right... - Come on, Marty! Come on!
...Marty Mauser of the United States, ranked second,
versus Koto Endo of Japan, unranked.
The gentlemen will battle to the best of five
in games to 21 points.
Each game shall be won by at least two points.
Good luck, gentlemen.
[crowd applauding]
Quiet, please.
[spectator 1] All right!
[announcer] Point, Endo. One-nil.
[spectator 2] Come on, America!
[announcer] Point, Endo. Two-nil.
[spectator 3] All right, Marty!
Come on, Marty!
[announcer] Point, Endo. Three-nil.
Point, Endo. Four-nil.
[tense music playing]
[spectator 4] Come on, Marty!
[announcer] Point, Endo. Five-nil.
Service switches to Mauser.
Point, Mauser.
9 serving 19.
Point, Mauser. 10-19.
Okay, Marty!
[grunting]
Point, Endo. 20-10.
Game point.
Go! Serve.
[announcer] Point, Endo. 21-10.
Game, Endo.
Endo leads two games to zero.
Point, Mauser.
18-16.
[crowd applauding]
Point, Mauser. 17-18.
[spectator 5] Go, Marty! Come on!
[announcer] Service switches to Mauser.
[exhales]
[spectators whistling]
[grunts] Fuck.
[crowd cheering]
[announcer] Point, Endo. 17-19.
[Marty] Oh, fuck.
Point, Endo. 17-20.
And match point.
[crowd cheering]
[announcer] Quiet, please.
Quiet. Settle down.
Your service, Mauser.
[spectator] Come on, Marty!
[grunting]
- [crowd cheering] - Fuck.
No, bullshit! No!
I want a rematch right now with a standard-league hard-bat!
That is unacceptable!
What if I had a mechanical arm?
What if I put glue on the ball? Would that be kosher?
Why, he was getting coached the entire time! That is unacceptable!
[shouting]
I play real table tennis! Real table tennis!
Unbelievable.
[announcer] ...British Open champion from Japan...
[Marty] Fuck you!
[announcer]...Koto Endo!
[orchestral newsreel music playing]
[announcer speaking Japanese]
[audience applauding on newsreel]
[announcer continues speaking Japanese]
[orchestral newsreel music concludes]
- [sirens wailing] - [pedestrians chattering]
[restaurant patrons chattering]
[maître d' speaking French]
[in English] Do you have a Milton Rockwell reservation?
- Excusez-moi? - Milton Rockwell reservation, please.
Ah, Rockwell?
So, listen, Marty, I wanna personally thank you
for introducing me to table tennis.
I had no idea what a phenomenon it was in the Asias.
- Oh, yeah. I know. - And how big it is in Japan!
That's what I was trying to tell you. It's huge.
So, I'm thinking of incorporating it into some of the promotional events
we're gonna be doing over there in the fall.
How so? What are you thinking?
What I wanna do is stage an exhibition match
around the time of the World Championships between you and Endo.
- Mmm. - I think you'd like that idea.
So I'm gonna make you an offer.
I'll pay you a thousand dollars.
I'll put you up at the Imperial Hotel in Tokyo.
And if you're leaving from New York, I'll give you a seat on my private plane,
and you'll fly in luxury for the first time in your life.
Okay, we can negotiate my price later.
But this would be before or after the tournament?
- About a week before the event. - No, it's gotta be after.
I can't face off against the guy in public before it actually counts.
Drama is very important to me. I can't undercut the drama.
Let's not get tied up in minutiae.
I just want to find out if you're interested in participating.
Oh, yeah. Of course. I'm interested in any opportunity to show off my talents.
And you don't have to worry either, 'cause this time I'm gonna obliterate him.
It's really the racket that I'm playing,
but I can assure you, it's gonna be a victory.
Okay, listen. I need you to understand what this thing's about.
This is not an official match.
It's not even a real game.
This is purely promotional, to entertain the Japanese people,
so they buy more of my pens, okay?
You're gonna play a few games. You're gonna be great.
- But you can't play better than Endo. - You want me to lose?
Marty, let me show you something.
Biggest magazine in Japan.
You made Endo a national treasure.
- Listen-- - Why are you showing me this?
Do you think this makes me wanna lose? This makes me wanna win.
Sometimes, when you lose you're a winner.
- Let me explain. Let me explain. - I'm ten trillion times better than Endo.
You understand that, right? It's the racket that beat me.
- He's a mediocre player. - I couldn't care less.
I don't care about table tennis. This is theater.
- What are you worried about? - My reputation.
- Your reputation? - Yes, my reputation.
I don't wanna throw my reputation in the trash for you. I'm not doing it.
Aren't you playing in a vaudeville circus act right now?
What do you mean, vaudeville? Finish that sentence.
- What are you implying? - You're the halftime show, Marty.
Of the Harlem Globetrotters! The finest athletes on the planet.
[Rockwell laughing]
I've probably played in front of 80,000 people since January.
That's funny to you?
No. You're funny to me.
I'm funny to you? You know what's funny to me?
That you want to entertain the Japanese so badly,
and they murdered your son. That's funny to me.
Look, you struck a nerve, I struck a nerve. Okay? Now we're even.
Get out.
["Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime" playing]
Nah, I think you owe me a meal first.
[applause, cheering]
[emcee on PA speaking Bosnian]
[emcee, in English] "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"!
[playing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" on pots]
["Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime" continues playing]
♪ And everybody's gotta learn sometime ♪
♪ Everybody's gotta learn sometime ♪
- ♪ Everybody's gotta learn sometime ♪ - Yeah, Coach, yeah!
Three, two, one. Say cheese.
Cheese!
[song continues playing]
[speaking French]
[seal barks]
♪ 'Cause everybody's Gotta learn sometime ♪
[audience laughing]
♪ Everybody's gotta learn sometime ♪
[seal growls]
[audience continues laughing]
- [audience continues laughing] - [song fading]
- [dog barking] - [faint chattering]
Excuse me.
Hello.
[announcer on radio, faint]
Please don't eat or drink in my room. It attracts bugs.
I just go in there to clean. That's it.
Well, you don't seem happy to see me.
Yeah, and you don't seem happy to see me.
So, now are you going to be staying here?
What, is that not okay? Don't worry.
I'll be out of your hair in a few weeks.
Don't be stupid.
- Why? What's in a few weeks? - World Championship.
- So, where's that gonna be? - Tokyo.
Tokyo, Japan?
Are you asking me if Tokyo's in Japan?
Is that a serious question?
You look very tired to me.
Yeah, 'cause I just traveled halfway around the world. I'm tired.
I was busy. I was working. I was making money.
You know, while everybody is at work in the building,
it would be a good time for you to take a nice, long, hot shower.
- Here. - What's this?
- I got you something. - Mmm.
It's from an original Egyptian pyramid.
We built that.
Okay.
Hey, Levi. You got a lot taller.
- No, I didn't. - Yeah, you did.
- Excuse me. Can I help you? - Yeah. Let's go.
- Come on, come on. - Hey! What are you doing?
- Let's go, let's go. Let's go. - No! What the fuck are you doing?
- You're under arrest. - No, I'm not!
- Yes, you are. Come here. Stop moving! - What am I under arrest for?
- That's my toiletries! Ow! - You're under arrest.
- For what? - Armed robbery. Come on.
Armed rob-- What are you talking about?
You're gonna hurt yourself if you keep moving!
- What is going on? - Come on.
- Murray, where's my mother? Murray. - I asked her to leave for a bit.
You told her--What the fuck is going on? I'm getting arrested! Help me!
Sal, Sal. I wanna talk to him in private. Excuse us. Just go.
- Sal? You know this guy? - What do you want me to do?
- Just go in the back for a while. - Yeah.
Close the door.
[Sal] All right, if it gets crazy just holler.
What the fuck is going on, Murray? That money I took, you owed me.
No, no, no, no. It was money you stole at gunpoint.
- No, you promised me... Excuse me. - No, you didn't...
That was my money and you took--
You promised me that money. I'm not... Why would I make this up?
- It was money for my trip to England. - What happened on your trip?
What do you mean, what happened on my trip?
- You lost! - No, I didn't!
- You did! - Where did you hear that?
- No, I got cheated against. - Do you know how many times
- in the middle of the night... - No, no. Stop with that.
- Shut up and listen to me! - Don't lecture me.
Shut up!
You don't know how many times I had to get woken up and bail you out.
When did I ask you to do that?
- When have I ever asked for your help? - You never asked me to do that.
- Exactly! - But I did.
And now, you're gonna be a big boy.
- It's your turn. - A big boy?
- Did you really just say that to me? - Yeah. Yeah, you know, look...
I can't support your mother for the rest of my life.
- You're not gonna have to. - Oh, yeah? Why not?
- Because I'm gonna step up. - You're gonna step up? How?
In a way you can't imagine. She's gonna be living on Fifth Avenue
in an apartment and building with a elevator,
and a man who works in the elevator that takes her every time she needs to use it.
Sure, sure, sure. All right, look.
I'm gonna give you two options, okay?
I think you'll like the first one.
You come back to the shop.
This time, no more bullshit.
None of this ping-pong mishegoss, okay?
I'm gonna give you much more responsibility,
because truth be told, you're an amazing salesman.
I could sell shoes to an amputee.
So what? What's the other option?
I press charges.
- Lloyd is a witness... - You're not doing that.
...and you go to jail!
Really? You'd do that to your own kin? Are you out of your mind?
- We'll see... You took it upon yourself. - Hey, Sal! Sal!
- What? - How much is he paying you right now?
What are you talking about, paying me?
How much is my uncle paying for you to scare me?
'Cause whatever it is, I'll double it for you to suck my dick.
- What? - Suck my dick.
- You have terrible breath. - Watch your mouth, you--
- Ow! Fuck! - Let's go. We're going now.
- He just hit me! - Stop. Please stop.
- Murray, he hit me. - Stop.
We worked everything out.
You were in the other room. You didn't hear. We already worked it out.
- He's paying back everything. - Animal.
He gave me the money, and everything's okay.
- Where did you get that? - I got it from your luggage.
Are you out of your mind? That's my money for Japan!
- Are you out of your fucking mind? - Let's go. Let's go.
Just take him downtown, damn it! Take him downtown!
- Okay. All right! Okay! I'll stop! - You're done. You're done.
- Please. Stop. Stop. - Let's go.
- All right. Let him go. Let him go. - Let him go?
- Let him go. Let him go. - Sit up.
Listen, apologize.
Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Take his cuffs off.
- This is what's gonna happen, okay? - Okay.
We're gonna meet your mom at the Garden Café.
We're gonna have a really nice dinner.
And let's just put all this shit behind us, okay?
[Marty] Okay. All right.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - [Sal] You're sorry?
We'll take care of everything. Just get dressed.
- Come on. I love you. - All right. I love you too.
Your nephew's a piece of shit, you know that?
Oh, Jesus. I'm so sorry.
Here's another ten.
Yeah, all right.
Garden Café, huh? What do you get?
The pastrami, what else?
- Ah, pastrami. - What do you get?
Roast beef.
- Roast beef? - Yeah.
Goyishe cop!
[car horns honking]
Hey.
Open up. Come on.
- Break it down. - Break it in?
Fuck!
Hey! Where you going?
Shit.
- What happened? - He went out the window.
- What? Wait! - Frankie!
- What? - He's coming down the escape right now.
There he goes! Down the escape!
- Oh, shit. - Go, go, go!
[horn blares]
- I'm just gonna use the phone in the back. - You hold it.
[rabbit chittering]
See how much he likes you?
- [on phone] Hello? - Hey, Wally. How you doing? It's Marty.
- Are you working tonight? - Of course I'm working.
Okay, great. Bring your cab and as much cash as you can.
I want you to meet me at The Halsey on 28th Street, okay?
What? You wanna go hustling again?
Yeah, exactly.
No, no, no. I got my ass kicked last time.
We went all the way to Staten Island,
and within ten minutes, they recognized you.
It's fine. We're gonna go to that place that Quinn was talking about in Jersey.
That's a bad idea.
- That's your new pet. - No, Mom, I want the armadillo.
No, I already--
You know what? I'm just gonna get you the armadillo.
I'm gonna give him to you, and then you can make a decision. Okay?
They're not reptiles. They're mammals.
Okay, great. You're a beautiful man. I'll see you in an hour and a half.
- Where? - At the Halsey. Okay. I love you.
Thank you. Bye.
Good. Here you are.
Is there a way I can go out the back or something, please?
What? Why are you looking at me like that?
Aren't you gonna say something to me?
What, congratulations?
- Congratulations? - Yes.
- Are you kidding me? - What do you want me to say?
I've been trying to get in contact with you for eight months.
I see what you're trying to do. It's not gonna work.
- Excuse me? - That's not mine.
- It is absolutely yours. - No, it's not. I pull out.
Does Ira pull out?
- What do you want me to say to that? - It's a simple question.
Does he pull out when he has sex with you?
- Answer it. - You want me to answer that?
Yes! Answer it. Does he pull out when he...
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - [Rachel crying]
I'm a mess right now. I'm really a mess, Rachel.
I lost in London, by the way--
Hey!
God.
What's this?
His father died.
- Bullshit! - This is my friend since I was eight.
Am I talking to you?
Ira, I've known her since I was eight years old.
My father just died. She was consoling me.
Honey, it's okay.
- Shut up! Don't touch me! - That's how you talk to your wife?
Yeah, that's how I talk to her.
Okay.
No, no, no! Come on. Keep going.
- Keep going. - Marty, just stop.
I'll rip that unibrow right off his fucking forehead!
You wanna get physical? Like an ape?
Ira.
Ira! Come back inside. What are you doing?
Somebody get the fucking cops over here, huh?
- What did you do? - Fuck! I gotta get out of here.
Why are you running from the cops?
Come on, he's right here!
There's no way out the back?
- What? What-- - Please! Come on. Rachel! Focus.
It leads out the back. Go.
Okay. Okay. Thank you, thank you.
I'll tell you later. I'll tell you later.
Guys, you see a white kid with glasses come through here?
Nobody saw him?
No English, huh?
Please insert a nickel if you'd like to continue the conversation.
A nickel? They're gonna cut us off.
- Do you have a nickel? - No.
Mom, I'm not lying. I promise you this will be the last time.
Are my eyes broke, or is that motherfucking Mouse?
- Thank you. - What's up, baby?
Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Thank you.
You smell like a fish, Marty.
That's why we gotta get a hotel room. I need to get a shower.
How you doing? Hey, can we get a hotel room, please?
- Four dollars. - You said it was three dollars.
- That was for the last room. It's four. - Why is it four dollars now?
Let me get four bucks. I'll pay you back, I promise.
I'm telling you right now, we only got ten to play with.
You brought ten dollars?
- You gave me a hour notice. - How are we supposed to make money?
I got kids! I'm a fucking taxi driver.
Do you have a cheaper room? It doesn't have to be nice.
There's a room on the fifth floor, but you can't use the shower.
- Okay, how much is that? - Two fifty.
Let me get three dollars. Thank you.
You better pay me back. You lucky I love you.
- Jimmy. Jimmy. - It's coming out your winnings.
Give me the keys.
[Jimmy] What's that smell?
[Wally] Oh, my God! Fuck. [groans]
- Wow! What is that? - Oh, my God!
He had a little accident.
God! He had an enormous accident.
- That's horrible. - [dog groans]
- Smells like shit! - Fuck!
Jimmy, you smell like shit.
- Is that your breath or the dog? - Can I get my key, please?
[Jimmy] Do not go in the elevator with that dog. Take the stairs.
- Are you kidding me? - [Jimmy] Wash that dog.
Goodbye, Jimmy.
- [Wally] How big is she, Marty? - Very big. Big.
Is she popping out tomorrow?
I don't know when she's popping out. Look, all I know is it's not mine.
She has an agenda. You don't know her like I do.
She's stuck in a miserable marriage. She has a horrible life.
She's trying to pin it down on me.
Since we were eight years old, she's trying to get me stuck.
- Your bummy ass? - Yes.
Yeah, she is crazy.
It's a biological impossibility that that kid is mine, okay?
- So, you using raincoats? - No, I don't need to.
So you must be shooting blanks.
Do you know what continence is, Wally? No?
Every time I take a piss, I pull back,
I hold my urine in, and I count to ten Mississippi.
That's how you build up the muscle.
That's how you get a fuckin' bladder infection.
What are you doing? That's my mail.
Are you out of your mind?
You need to grab them goddamn diapers.
[Marty] No.
And get a fucking grip.
- [Marty] I'm not a father. - [door slams]
[siren wails nearby]
- Yo, Marty. - What?
What's the Ritz?
Why?
You got a $1,500 fine
from the International Table Tennis...
- What? - ...Association and...
- And they... - [Marty] Bring it in here!
- And they banned your scrawny ass. - Give me that.
- [creaking] - [Marty yells]
- [dog howling] - [Wally] What the fuck?
- Are you okay? - [man] Who the fuck are you?
God! Help me! Get this fucking thing off of me!
- [howling] - My dog!
- [Wally] Holy shit! - [Marty] Shit! What happened?
Come on! Get outta that fuckin' tub and help me!
My dog's drowning, man. Come on! Help me!
- Okay, I'm flipping it. Take your arm out. - [man shouting]
- One. Two. - Lift it off!
- Three. - [both straining]
[man screams]
Take your arm out! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
[Marty] Fuck! Fuck!
Oh, fuck, your arm.
- Lean back. Lean back. Don't look at it. - [groaning]
- I need to make a tourniquet. - Oh, fuck!
- Come here. Give me your arm. - What are you doing?
- Give me your arm.
- [Marty] Fuck. - Where's my dog?
Don't worry about the dog! Give me your arm.
- Moses. - Do nothing. Do nothing.
I got you. Don't worry.
Wally, call an ambulance!
- Are you good? - No, I'm not good.
Where are my glasses?
I mean, are you hurt? You just fell through the floor.
Fucking horseshit. I'm getting our money back.
- [people shouting] - Getting our money back?
Marty, we gotta get the fuck out of here. It's $2.50. What are you talking about?
I'm asking for way more than $2.50. You see what just happened?
[elevator dings]
Wait here. Wait.
- For how long? - Ten seconds.
[Halsey guest] My shoes, my clothes.
Everything's soaking wet. It's a mess in there.
[man shouting in pain]
- [Jimmy] Why don't you put a sock in it? - [Halsey worker] You wanna switch?
You! I... I told you not to use the fucking shower.
No, you didn't. You're the one that rented me the room, okay?
I could have broken my neck falling out of that ceiling.
That can fucking still happen too.
- Are you threatening me right now? - Yeah, I am.
- You want to threaten me? - Yeah.
- [worker] Basement is locked! - Who's got the fucking key?
Listen, man! Listen! I want my money for my room...
- [paramedic] Ambulance. - ...and I want a reimbursement
- for my shit that got ruined. - Are you serious?
You're not gonna get your shit back.
- $7.50! - You'll get nothing.
- [man] Come on. Help me! - Paramedics.
- Good, you're here. - Where's the patient at?
He's in here. It's his arm. He's lost a lot of blood.
[paramedic] What happened?
- [Jimmy] Bathtub fell on him. - [paramedic] Bathtub fell on him?
I can't feel my arm.
Yo, Jimmy. Come on, you gotta help me with this dog.
- I don't got nobody free. - We gotta get him to the vet.
- I got nobody free right now. - He's my family, man.
Listen, now. Just give me the $2.50, and I'll get outta here. Forget the $7.50.
- Just give me $2.50. - I can't help you.
See the owner tomorrow.
- Kid. - It's your shitty ceiling
- in this crummy hotel. - Kid. Oh!
- I ain't giving you nothing. - What?
Kid. Come on. Just bring the dog to the vet.
I can't. I got work. I got a job.
- I can't get fired. - You got a job?
- I'll give you double what you're getting. - No, I can't. I can't.
- [dog barking] - [man] I'll give you triple. Come on.
- [paramedic] Take it easy. Calm down. - Okay.
Okay, look in that bag. See the bag on the chair?
Yeah, go in that bag, okay? Open it up.
[paramedic] I'm gonna apply a tourniquet to you.
I'm gonna remove the other tourniquet right now.
[man] Take 50 for yourself. Yeah.
Bring 50 for the vet, okay?
[paramedic] We got blood squirting out.
[man] He's on 13th and 1st.
And tell him I'll be there as soon as I can get there, okay?
[Jimmy] You're gonna give this motherfucker money?
He's the one who fuckin' dropped the tub on ya.
I told him not to get in the fuckin' bath.
Fucking mensch, kid.
[paramedic] Stretcher ready? We'll take him to Bellevue.
- [barking] - [man] Fucking mensch.
[Wally] We can still turn around
- and take him to the vet. - [Marty] No. No.
- Fifty dollars is more than enough. - You know what's better than 50? 100.
We can clean house with a hundred.
Don't be greedy, you fucking Jew.
No, no. It's a $1,500 fine. You're the one that showed it to me.
By the way, we gotta do this every night for two weeks,
- or else I can't go to Japan. - "We"? Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not taking two weeks off work 'cause you fucked up.
- [dog whining] - Hey. Take this, boy.
Take this. There you go. Good boy.
Loosen up the collar on this motherfucker, man.
- All right. - He sound like a radiator.
[Marty] We're gonna go play,
we'll drop him off at the vet on the way back.
- What's a couple of hours to this guy? - Marty, I got rides set up, man.
[Marty] Huh. Moses.
[muffled music]
[Marty sighs]
["How High The Moon" playing]
- [bowling balls clacking] - [people chatter]
[muffled announcement on PA]
[employee] Lane three. That's you.
[music, announcements continuing]
- Hi, how you doing? - Could I help?
Can I get a lane?
Probably gonna be a half hour, 40 minutes.
- That's okay. - You all right with that?
- You want shoes? - I'll just grab 'em later.
[people chatting]
[PA announcements continue]
[spectators gasp]
[winning player] Done. Over.
Fucking pathetic. Pay up.
Who wants next?
Can I play? Hey! Can I play?
- It's a dollar a game. - Okay.
- What's your name? - Seth.
Let's get a warm-up rally going.
Nah. Put up or shut up. I don't play for free.
All right. Never heard of that.
- I'm holding. - [player] He's holding.
[Marty] You're holding? Why is he holding?
- [player] Have you got yours? - Can I trust you?
Trust me, you can.
- [man] Where are we at? - All right, Seth vs. Roger.
Dollar game.
I serve.
What are you doing? I'm not even looking.
- One-zip. - I wasn't even looking.
- No, you can't do that. - What?
You gotta let the ball hit the other side.
You can't catch it with your paddle. My point.
- What are you talking about? - You can't do that.
You gotta let the ball fall off the table.
- That's ridiculous. - You're cheating.
- I'm cheating? - Yeah, that's called cheating.
- You're not following the rules. - [Roger] Fine. Take the point.
- Thank you. Give me the ball. - One-one.
[Wally] Fuck!
- [Wally's opponent] That was close. - [Wally] That was good. That was good.
Oh. No, no, no, no, no.
No, no. Take it.
I should have spotted you, like, five points, man.
You've had a rough enough day already. Keep it.
Thank you, brother. Thank you.
It's all good.
Good game.
All right, Adam. Adam, let's go.
- What do you want to put on? - [Adam] I can go 50 cents.
[Adam's opponent] You got a ball?
What happened to your nose?
[Adam] I got one, I got one.
Fare ran out on me.
Fare from what? What happened?
I'm a taxi driver. From Manhattan.
- Manhattan? - Yeah.
That's an expensive trip, man.
Oh, yeah. $20, $25.
Well, the high rollers tip five,
- so that's five in tips. And... - [man whistles]
I fucking get to the spot, the guy chokes me out,
- punching me in the back of the head. - No.
Takes my money and run the fuck off.
Caught up to the motherfucker, and, boy...
[laughs] I beat the brights off that motherfucker, man.
And I took what he had.
You took what he had?
Hell, yeah! You fucking damn right.
- You added that to your roll? - Sure did.
To that fat roll I've seen you pulling out.
It's principle. It's fucking principle!
I understand that. I would keep it hidden.
I would keep that down, if I were you, in this place.
Not everybody's as nice as Christian is, I'm telling you.
[Marty] That's my point.
What about that asshole right there?
[man talking to Wally] I don't know who the fuck that guy is.
- You can't serve like that. - What do you mean?
I've been serving like that for years.
- Hey, Roger. Roger. Hello. - That's ridiculous.
- Give me one more minute. - Our lane is open.
- The lane can wait. It's fine. - No, we gotta go now.
- They're gonna give it away. - I'm playing now.
I have been waiting all night to bowl. Let's go. Come on.
- Roger. - My point.
[Roger] Look what you made me do.
I gotta go.
- What do you mean you gotta go? - Give me my dollar back.
We're in the middle of a game.
You forfeit the game, then. Give me my dollar.
- Give me my dollar back! - Relax. Back up, back up.
- He's gonna leave the game? - You didn't finish the game.
All right, then you play. Then you play.
I'm broke, man. I gave him my last ten.
I'll play you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, wow. I didn't know you guys played table tennis.
Put up a dollar. Do you have a dollar?
- [Wally] Fuck you. Put up five. - You don't have five dollars.
Oh, wow. You must have robbed someone.
Put your money where your mouth is.
Why don't I put my penis where your mouth is?
Red shirt, Wally and whatever the fuck his name is.
["Don't Let the Stars Get in Your Eyes" playing]
[people cheering]
Mark it blank, baby. I'll be right back.
[woman with Roger] Where are you going?
I will mark it blank!
What's going on here?
The colored boy is about to lose all his money.
Yeah, to this asshole right here.
- [Wally] Fuck! - [Marty] Match point.
- Match point. Here we go. - [spectator] Wally! Come on!
[spectator 2] Don't get upset though, Wally. Let's go.
- Yeah! - [cheering]
It grazed the edge. You fucking saw that.
[Marty] It didn't graze the edge.
- It changed. You saw that. - It didn't graze the edge.
- No, give me my money. - What the fuck?
- Give me my money. - This is b--
Give me the money. Give me the money.
- Pay me. - Come on.
Let me hold five for gas money.
No. You shouldn't bet with money you don't have.
- How the fuck am I gonna get home? - Walk.
Just let him keep five.
- No. - You've been a dick all night.
- Give me my money. - Just stop being greedy.
- Just give him five to get home! - This is bullshit!
- And you're fucking smiling. - Fuck you!
Give me the money. Give me the money.
Fuck you.
- Yo, give him his five. - [Marty] I don't want to.
[Wally] How the fuck am I gonna get home?
[Marty] That's what happens when you talk shit.
- It stinks, doesn't it? - [Wally] Fuck!
- Where's-- Where's Roger? - Shit.
- Yeah, I got it. - Yeah, Rog!
Play this numbnuts for his gas money.
You're gonna play Roger now, okay?
- [spectator] Let's go, Roger. - Let's go.
- Let's go right now. - You?
I won't play you. You're too good.
[Roger] I'll spot you four points.
Fine. Forty dollars.
Forty dollars? I don't have forty dollars.
[people shout out]
You want it? Take it or leave it. I gotta go.
- Forty dollars. - One, two, three...
Come on, who's got cash? Who's got cash?
- [man] I got you. - It's Team Wally. Come on.
Pitch in, pitch in. Let's get him home. Come on, come on.
[Wally] Thank you, everybody. Thank you.
We're gonna get you home. We're gonna get you home.
[blond man] Great. Great. Nothing? This whole row?
Yo, I'll put a side bet.
How much?
- Five dollars. - You don't got more than that?
[overlapping chatter]
[Marty] Ten. Ooh, you got a little bit of money.
Thank you. Thanks so much.
["Don't Let the Stars Get in Your Eyes" continues]
- ["The Fat Man" playing] - One seventy-four, 175, 176,
177, 178, 179, 180, 181...
♪ 'Cause I went 200 miles ♪
181, 182, 183...
- The Mouse is back, baby. - ...184, 185...
- Yeah! - ...186
- The Mouse is back, baby! - ...187, 192...
- Oh, this is my part. - ...197, 202, 207...
- [Wally whoops] - What the fuck are you doing?
Are you out of your mind?
- ♪ Wah wah wah, wah wah wah ♪ - [Wally whoops]
♪ Wah wah wah, wah wah wah ♪
♪ Wah wah wah ♪
- ♪ Wah wah wah, wah wah wah ♪ - [Wally laughs]
♪ Wah wah wah, wah wah wah ♪
♪ Wah, wah, wah ♪
Fuck. It's closed.
- [Marty] Let's just go to the next town. - Next town? That shit is 20 minutes away.
You see what we do? Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?
- [Wally] 400... - Come over here, baby.
...401, 402, 403...
[Marty] His breathing's a lot better.
We might not have to give the vet any money.
- ...407, 408. - [Marty fusses dog]
408. That's 204 each. That's 50-50.
Here, here. Okay.
Wally, I was thinking. If you give me the full amount now,
I can give you ten times that when I get back from Japan.
- Stop, stop. Stop, Mouse. - No, no, what do you mean?
You're not gonna fuck me like you do everybody else.
- You saw the fine. You saw it. - Mouse.
I'm gonna be coming home with ten times that.
- I'll buy you a medallion. - I don't want no fucking medallion, Mouse.
I'll buy you a new cab. Don't give me a hard time about this.
- [horn honking] - [man] There he is!
- [Marty] Oh, fuck. - [people shouting]
Oh, fuck. Marty. Marty, let's go. Get in the car.
- Okay, just let me do the talking. - Get in the car!
Look who it is! Let's get this motherfucker!
[Marty] Gentlemen.
What's going on? How are we doing?
- Give us our money! - What are you talking about?
- I'm giving this guy some gas. - Look who it is.
Don't pull that shit!
- You fucking hustled us! - I didn't hustle anyone.
I know who you are! You're fuckin' Marty Mauser!
- Relax! - I don't know who that is!
- Roger! Stop it! Stop! - [dog barking]
No, relax. Relax. Relax. Relax.
Out of the fucking car!
Get out of the fucking car, nigger!
- Why I gotta be-- - Get the fuck out!
- [dog barking] - [all shouting]
[dog snarling]
[shouting]
[all shouting]
Fuck!
- Marty, let's fucking go! - [Marty] Fuck yourself!
["As Summer Turns to Fall" playing]
- Go, go, go, go, go. - [tires screech]
Wally, watch out! Watch out! The pole!
- [Wally] No! No! - [dog barks]
Wally, the dog. The dog, Wally.
- Fuck that dog! - I need the dog!
Fuck the dog,
- and fuck you, man! Fuck you, man! - Oh, no. No!
They'll take this out of my paycheck!
My car's fucked up, man! I'm gonna lose my fucking job!
This is all I got! I got people depending on me!
- I got real responsibilities! - I got responsibilities too.
- No, you don't! - What the fuck you think--
[voices drowned out by song]
[The Jubilaires] ♪ ...may melt again ♪
♪ Like winter snow That melts ♪
♪ With ♪
♪ April rain ♪
♪ For darling, in my heart ♪
♪ You always will remain ♪
♪ As summer turns to fall ♪
[siren wailing]
[Marty] Thank you so much. Thank you.
I'm gonna make it up to you. All right?
Don't be mad at me. Okay?
I'm gonna get you a new cab. All right?
Don't worry about it. Wally, I love you.
Close my door.
[siren]
["The Order of Death" by PiL playing]
Hey, Marty.
[song fades]
- Hey, Ted. - Hey, Marty. How you doing, man?
- Is Lawrence here? - Sorry about your loss.
It's all right. Is Lawrence here tonight?
Uh, yeah. He's around here somewhere.
- Okay. All right. Thank you. - [Ted] Yeah, yeah.
- Good to see you, man. - Yep.
[song resumes]
- How you been? - Marty.
- Nice to see you. - Hello, Marty.
Hey, can I stay in your back room tonight, please?
Hey, hey. Got your girl in the back, okay?
She pregnant. She real upset.
Oh, God. Okay. All right.
Uh, let me go talk to her,
but then please don't leave without finding me.
- Yeah, I'll be here. Okay. - All right. Nice to see you.
- All right, good to see you. - Okay.
["The Order of Death" continues]
[song ends]
Hey. What are you doing here?
I don't mean to bother you. I know you're really busy.
- What the hell happened to your face? - I didn't really have anywhere else to go.
- Let me see. - He just started...
he just started yelling at me.
And he was really mad and he was ripping my clothes.
- He did this to you? - He was really scaring me.
I just didn't know where else to go.
Are you mad at me?
[woman shouting in nearby apartment]
[Ira] Rachel?
No, it's not Rachel. It's Marty. Open the door.
[Ira] Yeah. Hang on.
What are you doing here?
[Ira groans]
Shame on you.
[groaning]
[wheezing]
[doorbell rings]
Hey, Dion. How you doing, man? I really appreciate this.
This is my sister Rachel, by the way.
Rachel, this is my buddy, my business partner, Dion.
- Hey. - Hey.
Her place flooded.
She needs a place to crash for the night. That's okay, right?
I don't know, man, it's...
I know, but I can't have her exposed to mold and spores and shit.
D, come on, she's eight months pregnant, all right?
Come on...
That's my nephew.
I'm not supposed to have people over.
She's got a bad situation at home. I can't have her going back there. Please.
All right. Come on. You can spend the night.
You just gotta be out of here by tomorrow before my parents get back.
Okay. No problem.
We should take advantage of the time we have together.
You know, really firm up our business plan.
That way, when your dad gets back, he sees how organized we are.
Yeah, he's pretty upset.
You left us with all of this inventory for eight months.
That's fine. In a few weeks I'll take the championship.
We'll be right back on track.
- Balls are right in here. - Really? Where?
The top box.
Thanks.
- Whoa. You did the orange? - Yep.
How'd you do the orange?
I contacted someone at Halex.
They colored the celluloid for me.
- How? - Money, baby.
Me and my pop, we believe in you.
We're invested. That's why he's been so mad.
- Check it out, Rachel. - [Rachel grunts]
Here, check out the packaging.
"Marty Supreme. The official Marty Mauser championship table tennis ball.
Professionally made. Orange..."
Orange spheres? You came up with that?
Yeah. Pretty good, right?
Pretty good? Dion, this is... I'm stunned.
I'm stunned.
- Hand-drawn too. - You drew this?
- Yeah. - It's inspired.
I appreciate it.
I don't think you know what you're capable of.
- Check it out. - Thanks a lot.
Wow.
- It's really nice. - [Marty chuckles]
- This is your room? - No, it's my brother's.
You have a brother? You never told me you had a brother.
It's a younger brother. He moved out.
So his room is free?
- Uh, yeah. - Let me get my sister situated.
- I'll come find you in five minutes. - Okay.
Five minutes.
I'm really impressed, D.
- Thank you. - Seriously.
Special guy.
Let me get the bed comfortable for you, all right?
So are you gonna go out there now?
Yeah, I gotta figure my plan out for tomorrow.
Why? Plan for what?
Well, I need to get my head together.
How so?
This rich guy hit me up for a job. I think I'm gonna get in touch with him.
- Really? - Yeah.
- A job for what? What job? - It doesn't matter. Just to get to Japan.
- For the championship? - Yeah.
Wow.
Everything in my life is falling apart, but I'm gonna figure it out.
Do you need any help? I could help you.
- No, it's all right. It's all right. - Can I do anything?
Are you hungry?
- No. - You sure?
Uh, I'll just be in the other room, all right?
- Dion, I've never seen anything like this. - I told you, man.
Man, we have to have a big catch-up
'cause this is the greatest thing that's happened to me in the last eight months.
Who would've thought? Halex?
[Marty, Dion chattering, indistinct]
[phone line ringing]
[receptionist] Good morning. Rockwell Ink.
Yes, hi, can I speak to Milton Rockwell, please?
He's not in at the moment. Can I take a message?
Okay, when are you expecting him?
Well, he's working off-site today.
- Again, can I take a message? - It's hot.
Thank you so much.
Can you make some for my sister for when she wakes up?
- She'll be really hungry. - Hello?
You said off-site where?
I'm sorry, I can't give you that information.
- Would you like to leave a message or not? - Yes.
Can you apologize to him on my behalf?
I was the young gentleman that was supposed to have breakfast
with him this morning.
- [receptionist] I'm not familiar. - [Marty] From his son's battalion.
[receptionist] I'm sorry, I-- I don't know anything about that.
[Marty] I have some personal belongings of his son's I was supposed to give to him.
Letters and mementos and such, but I messed up and I overslept.
I'm leaving town today, but I could mail it to him if that's easier.
- No, no, no. - No? Okay.
How about this, why don't you try giving a call over to the Morosco Theatre.
The Morosco Theatre.
[actor 1] So, I'm like what? What am I doing?
[actor 2] Coming up here to wreck my night.
[actor 1] Honest, Mama, I didn't even know you were coming here.
[actor 2] I'm through with you playing games.
[actor 1] I was just coming for a good time.
I heard this was where all the call girls gather.
[actor 2] I'm trying to rebuild my life here. Don't you understand that?
[actor 1] More like selling out to the highest bidder.
[actor 2] You've got no right to judge me, Jed.
I fought tooth and nail for every shred of happiness
- I've ever found while you... - Right, and what did you give to me?
You never believed in me. Not once!
[actor 2] You wanna wallow in self-pity? Well, here's an oven, Jed!
Alma!
[actor 2] I'm all right, Henry.
- Just give us a minute, please. - [actor 1] My mama is a dirty bird.
[actor 3] Be careful now, Jedidiah.
And that fancy dress you put her in is the only thing keeping in the stench!
- [grunts] - [gasps]
Don't you lay a hand on my child.
I-I'm sorry, uh...
- [shouts] - [screaming]
Mama, what did I do?
- [actor 2] Go! Run! - [running footsteps]
[door rattles]
- The door is locked. - [actor 2] Oh, my God.
You've gotta be kidding me!
For Christ's sake, did somebody put a latch on the door?
- Oh, God. - I thought we had a good rhythm going.
A good rhythm going? On what planet is that a good rhythm
- if you're alone in a room? - I was in it.
It's like I wasn't even there. In it? In what?
- Glenn, I couldn't get a word out. - I understand. We're gonna fix it.
- That's what a rehearsal process is for. - [actor 2] Fuck's sake.
[Glenn] Let's lose this, by the way. Everybody take five.
Do me a favor, everybody...
- [sighs] - Somebody needs to tell him something.
- It's impossible. - Impossible.
[lighter clicks]
- Do you want some water? - Yes.
- Let me bring you some. - God.
Hey, Kay.
Hey, it's Marty.
From London.
What are you doing here?
Well, I got a friend in the stagehands union.
I was dropping something off for him.
- You watched that? - Yeah, I hope that's okay.
Oh, God.
Hey, I can't believe you're acting again.
That wasn't acting. He won't let me act.
Yeah, no, that looked frustrating. What's the deal with that guy?
Don't get me started.
Yeah, you were running circles around him.
Of course I am.
Yeah. It was unbelievable.
He stays up for three days in a row
because his character is supposed to be tired.
- It's obnoxious. - Oh, God.
If he's so committed, why'd he stop the scene?
Why didn't he punch his hand through the screen,
unlock it from the other side?
- Right? That's what I would've done. - Glenn!
- Yeah. - Glenn!
- Yes. Thank you. Yes. - I need to talk to you.
- Yes, what? - What? What? What?
This kid understands the character better than he does.
Excuse me?
- Tell him what you just told me. - No, I don't want to.
No, tell him.
I was just saying you didn't really seem like you were in the scene is all.
- [Glenn] Uh, who is this? - He's nobody. That's the point.
Also, you know, in my experience, only children hold a knife like this.
If it's a serious fight, you hold your knife like this,
- with the blade square to your wrist. - This is not a street fight.
Okay, well, if you're not going for realistic,
you might as well add a little flair.
[onlookers exclaiming]
Like that.
- [Glenn] Cut it out. - [Marty] Right, Kay?
[Glenn] Okay. Yeah, okay. Thanks for the tutorial. Thank you very much.
Thank you very much indeed. That's all we need today. Thank you.
- Best of luck, Kay. Best of luck. - Get him out!
We no longer require your presence. Thank you very much.
Well, with all due respect...
[Rockwell] And yet every set cost more than $5,000.
I can't just snap my fingers and get your money and your wife into alignment.
I pay you to say no.
[producer] She seems to think that this is carte blanche.
I can't just perform the impossible here.
[Rockwell] If you can't control her, I will find someone else who can.
Asshole.
Mr. Rockwell. Mr. Rockwell.
- What? - Hey. Marty Mauser. Nice to see you.
Did you call my office and say you're friends with my son?
- Yes. But... - Goddamn it!
I had no other way to get in touch with you. Please.
I wanna revisit our conversation about Japan.
I reconsidered it and I wanna do it. I think it's a great idea.
The event's next week. I've made alternate plans.
What other plans? Okay, it was your idea.
It's a fantastic idea. Let's just have a conversation about this for two seconds.
What are you doing? Hey. Hey. Mr. Rockwell.
Please, let's both be pragmatists about this.
Put your personal feelings about me aside for a second.
You and I both know how much value I would add with Endo.
- [engine starts] - In an exhibition on his home turf?
Imagine it. I'd be like a stick of dynamite.
Whatever you have planned, the alternative,
it's gonna pale in comparison.
Please give me two minutes.
We have enough common ground to figure this out. Please!
- All right, get in the car. - Really? Thank you.
Tommy, let's go.
Hey. Hey! Hey!
Hey!
You son of a bitch. I gave you the idea!
[exhales]
I'm sorry. Miss Stone wanted to let you know
that she'd love to have lunch with you.
- Miss Stone? - Yes.
[Marty, Kay moaning]
[Kay] My God, I'm so late.
[Marty] Come on. What do you care?
You're the star. Gotta feel pretty good, right?
I mean, why'd you even stop in the first place?
I wanted security, and I got pregnant,
and he pressured me, and I settled.
Well, I mean, clearly, you're doing the right thing now
and it sounds like he's paying you back with interest.
- Who is? - Your husband.
I mean, he's funding your whole show, right?
Where'd you get that idea?
I overheard him complaining about it in the lobby.
- Complaining? - Yeah, about the costs.
He can go fuck himself.
Completely. You know what you should do,
you should leech him for every penny he's worth,
assume your place as the biggest star on the planet,
and then you rub it in his smug little face.
Thank you, but I'm really not looking for life advice from you.
No, I'm just saying you clearly never needed him in the first place.
Like with me, I'm never accepting anyone's help.
I gotta do it completely on my own. Purely on the basis of my own talent.
Otherwise it's, like, the success won't even count.
But that's just me.
Yes, well, that's very easy to say.
Well, it's easy to say but it's sure not easy to do.
I mean, you know that. That's why you cashed out.
[sighs]
Let me ask you something.
Do you make money at this little table tennis thing?
- Not yet. - Do you have a job?
No. I mean, table tennis is my job.
How do you live?
I live with the confidence
that if I believe in myself, the money will follow.
Ultimately, my struggle isn't even about money.
- How do you pay rent? - I don't.
- You're avoiding the question. - No, I'm not avoiding anything.
How do you plan on eating food today?
Honestly, I was gonna order room service the second you leave.
- Nice. - Yeah. Nice.
And what do you plan to do if this whole dream of yours doesn't work out?
That doesn't even enter my consciousness.
Okay. Well, maybe it should.
Wow.
You sound like my mom. No offense.
And you sound like a child.
Oh, yeah? Clearly I'm old enough.
And what is that supposed to mean?
That I'm old enough to fuck you in your hotel room
in the middle of your big comeback.
You're disgusting.
[Marty] Break a leg.
No, I know, but I was out of town
so I only just received it yesterday for the first time.
Well, look, not coming to Japan is not an option.
Okay, well, just let Mr. Sethi know that a cashier's check in the full amount
is already on the way to him. It's in the mail.
No, that's fine, but just...
I don't want any confusion about my attendance.
I'm gonna be there. I'm gonna be there when the tournament starts.
- I got it! - [hushed] Yes! Yes! Yes!
How much do you think?
- This is not real. - What do you mean it's not real?
- Total fake. - It came from the neck of a millionaire.
I saw it come off her neck.
I don't care where it came from. It's total garbage.
- Costume jewelry. - Costume jewelry?
Oh, fuck.
If you want, I can give you two bucks for it.
- Hello. - [Marty] Hey, Dion. It's me.
How are you doing?
Hey, where have you been? You promised me we'd have a list of distributors.
My dad lands tonight.
[Marty] I'll come back now and give you my undivided attention.
Let me just talk to my sister for a second.
[Dion] Rachel, Marty's on the phone.
- [Rachel] Hi. Where are you? - Hi, Rachel, listen.
There's a dog collar in my jacket, okay?
I know a guy who lost a dog out in New Jersey.
He'll pay a big reward.
Also, there's a set of car keys in a bowl by the front door.
- You see them? - Yeah.
[Marty] Grab the keys, and make sure Dion doesn't see you do it.
[Rachel] Hey, Dion.
Can you go to the store and grab me some ginger?
I'm having really bad morning sickness.
Hi.
Sorry, station's closed.
That's okay. We're not looking for service.
Did you see a dog come around here?
Nah, I ain't seen nothing. You seen a dog?
- He's this tall. - When did you lose it?
A few days ago.
There's a pound down in Cranberry. About five miles that way.
- Maybe try there. - I called there.
- Sorry, can't help you. - Okay.
- [announcer on radio, indistinct] - Thank you.
[Rachel] They didn't see anything.
Let's go try that place.
- [engine stops] - [announcer on radio, indistinct]
- [knocking] - [dog barking]
- Hello. - [barking continues]
- [announcer on radio continues] - Hello?
- Where are you going? - Just gonna check out back.
[barking continues]
- [barking continues] - Oh, shit. Moses.
[announcer on radio] We're grateful to the record manufacturers and artists
all over the country.
- Hey, buddy. Hey. Hey, Moses. - [barking continues]
It's Marty. Hey, buddy. [mutters] Oh, fuck.
Hey, buddy.
Moses. Moses!
Hey, buddy. Calm down. Let's get you home.
You wanna go home, right? Let's go home.
Okay. Hey. No, no, no, no, no.
[disc jockey] And that was Peppermint Harris
and that great record of his...
[car horn honking]
[disc jockey] But it's time to hang up the old blunderbuss for now.
- [truck door opens] - Remember, if you want any...
[disc jockey on radio continues, indistinct]
- Hi, how are you? - Can I help you?
We were just searching the area for a lost dog.
- "We"? - My husband and I.
We lost our dog a couple of days ago out near the gas station
and they told us to come and check over here...
- seeing that you're the closest house. - Who?
Who? Which gas station?
- I don't know. - Hey!
It was one of the guys that work there.
- Oh, man, I'm so excited you're back. - There he is!
- I think you might've found our dog. - You're trespassing.
No. I'm sorry, that's not our intention. We heard barking in the back.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
My dog. You found it.
I didn't find any dog.
- [barking continues] - Are you sure?
Yeah, I'm sure. Are you sure?
- Yeah... - [big band music playing on radio]
I looked through your window.
- I saw my dog. - You were looking through my window?
It was a good thing I did, right?
Get the hell off my property before I call the police.
I should call the police.
Okay. You wanna get a closer look at him?
- You wanna closer look? - Yes, please.
- Okay, good, good. - I'll give you a closer look.
[announcer on radio continues, indistinct]
[barking continues]
Hey!
Calm down.
I am calm.
- If I see your kike face... - Are you serious?
- ...looking through my window again... - Marty, get in the car!
Are you out of your mind?
...I'm gonna shoot it off.
There's no need for that. We're leaving. Marty, get in!
- [shotgun fires] - What are you doing?
- Get in the car, Marty! - No! I need the dog!
- Get in the car! - Next one's going to your face.
- [both grunting] - Marty, get--
No, no, no, no! Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
- Rachel! Help me! - [engine starts, revs]
- Marty, get in the car! - [rock and roll playing on radio]
Come on, come on, come on. Hurry! Hurry!
Get in! Get in! Get in!
Go, go, go straight, Rachel. Go, go!
Straight! Go! Go in the corn!
- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. - Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Oh, no!
[laughs]
[line ringing]
- [person] Hello? - Hi.
Hi, did you...
Did you by any chance lose a dog named Moses?
Yeah, I did. Why?
Oh, you did? Amazing! 'Cause we just found him.
- For real? - I did, yeah.
- How is he? How's his breathing? - You know what?
When we got him, his breathing was a little shallow.
- The money. - Give me your address.
I'm gonna come right now.
Well, that's the thing.
The thing? What do you mean?
'Cause you know in situations like these it's...
it's kind of customary to give the person a reward, no?
Yeah, fine. How much you have in mind?
- It's too much money. It's too much. - No, say it. He's fucking loaded.
- Hello? - Tell him.
I was thinking maybe $2,000 seems fair for this kind of a thing.
That seems pretty fair to me.
- Two thousand. - You're joking, right?
- No, no. No. - That's fucking ridiculous.
Look, look...
I know it's really not your problem,
but I'm about to have a baby, and, look, I got no husband right now.
I got no job, and this money would really, really help me.
And, you know, let's be good people and...
You realize I got that dog for free at the pound, right?
Well, that's kind of the wrong way to look at it. [chuckles]
- Oh, really? - Yeah, really.
How am I supposed to look at it?
'Cause let's just say that I'm not calling about a dog.
Let's say that I'm calling about your mother,
and I'm a doctor, and I gotta perform emergency surgery on her
or she's gonna die. What are you gonna do?
Refuse the surgery because you got your mother for free?
No! That's crazy. You're gonna take the surgery
- because you love your mother. - That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.
Well, then I guess you don't know anything about love.
All right, forget it. Give me your address, okay? I'll come now.
- I'll bring you the cash. - I'm sorry, but no.
- No? - No.
It's really not your fault, and you sound like a very nice person.
It's just I've been ripped off one too many times in the past,
and I'm just not willing to let that happen to me again.
So, we're just gonna need to find a way to get me the money first.
- You know? Yeah. - Yeah?
Listen to me, you fucking dumb bitch.
- You're not getting one red cent... - What is wrong with you?
...without me laying eyes on him.
- If you really don't give a shit about... - You understand, sister?
...your dog that you got for free, how about I donate him to medical science?
- Would that be something you want? - I told you this wasn't gonna work.
I should have known better. What am I doing?
- It was a terrible idea. - Marty!
- It was moronic. - I'm sorry, I was--
I'm sorry. I was trying to give it a shot.
- It's not your fault. It was stupid. - All right. Calm down.
What color is the dog?
Why? Who cares? It's brown.
Okay, because my boss knows all of the local breeders,
and maybe we can get one that looks the same,
and the owner won't be able to tell the difference.
You don't think he's gonna recognize his own dog that he loves?
- I'm saying maybe not at first. - I should be working on my game right now.
Instead, I'm in a used car lot
making a mockery of my life, doing prank calls.
- What are you guys doing? - [Marty] Hey. What are you still doing up?
Keep your voice down. My parents are sleeping.
- I didn't know they were back. - I told you they were back.
- Where's my dad's car? - It's in the garage.
You're not gonna believe, Dion, when I tell you the day that we had.
- You tricked me. - No, I didn't. What are you talking about?
- Yes, you did, you lying bitch. - Whoa.
Hey, you watch your mouth, you fat piece of shit.
- Don't talk to me like that. - Don't talk to him like that.
He's one of my favorite people on the planet.
- Tell him not to talk to me like that. - Don't talk to her like that.
- Don't talk to him like that. - Keep it down.
I'm the one that told her to do it. She wouldn't have if I didn't.
- Give me the car keys. - Okay, they're right here. Okay?
- We got into a little fender bender... - What?
...but it's gonna be okay.
- It's minor damage. I can pay for it. - How? When?
Dion, it's very late right now. We should all get a little bit of rest.
I'll smooth it over with your father at breakfast.
- He's not gonna get angry-- - You're not staying here!
- We got no other place to stay. - You guys gotta go.
No. Dion. We have to stay.
- We have nowhere-- Dion. Stop it. - [Dion] No. Shh.
[Marty] She's eight months pregnant. Are you out of your mind?
- Please can we just talk about it? - Keep your voice down.
Gonna throw us out in the street in the dead of night?
- Yeah, yeah. - We've got nowhere to go.
Get your shit and leave.
Do you have any idea what we've been through today?
[Dion] I'm not talking to you.
You're not talking to me?
Now you're not talking to me, period?
- Unbelievable. - [Rachel crying]
Must be nice being born with a silver spoon in your mouth.
Meanwhile, some of us have to work for a living.
You ever heard that word, "work"?
Instead of doodling in your room all day?
Throwing your friends out on the street...
Can you not stare at us? Can you look at the wall?
You're creeping me out.
[crying] Where are we gonna go? Because...
- I'm sorry. You have a bed right here... - It's okay.
- ...and I could be sleeping on it. - It's okay.
And I got a baby in me. I got a baby in me.
See what you're doing?
You're throwing a pregnant woman out in the dead of the night.
It's gonna live on your conscience forever.
- Why would you do this to yourself? - [Rachel] I'm sorry.
Can I have a moment with her, please? Just to comfort her,
in privacy with my sister, please?
- Keep her voice down. - I'm gonna try, but I gotta calm her down.
- Sorry. - [Rachel sobbing]
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.
[Marty] That was really good.
- That was amazing, Rachel. - Thank you. [chuckles]
That was so good, it might work.
- Where are we gonna go if he kicks us out? - He might actually let us stay now.
That acting was so brilliant.
- Are you actually crying? - No. Marty, what are you doing?
- What is that? - What?
Is this makeup?
Hold on.
Just wait. Because I can explain. It's not my fault. Okay?
No talking.
- I didn't have a choice, you know? - Stop. Stop, please. Stop.
- Rachel, stop. - I needed to get out.
- See how calm I am? It's not gonna last. - Yeah.
Get the fuck out of here.
- No. What I think-- - Get the fuck out of here.
- I think that we should both go because... - Stop.
This is the kinda shit my mother would do to me.
How could you of all people do this to me, the way I treat you?
- How could I do this to you? - Yes, knowing what I'm going through?
- How about what you're doing to me? - Stop. Shh. What are you doing...
[Rachel] Have you ever for one second thought about what you're doing--
- Stop. - Shush yourself, you narcissistic prick.
- Don't touch me! - Stop. What are you doing?
- You're gonna wake my parents up. Shut up. - Enough about your fucking parents.
Aren't you, like, 30 years old?
You realize I'm due in four weeks?
- I am due in four weeks! - It's not my baby.
And it's his baby, by the way. It's his fucking baby.
He's lying about that too.
- What's going on in my house? - I was just having some friends over, Dad.
[Marty] Buddy, how are you?
Hey, we have a meeting with Spalding first thing in the morning
- for the Supreme samples. - Dion, come on. Give me a break.
That's never gonna happen.
- You've taken my son's money. - What are you talking about?
I don't believe it. D, don't you see what's happening?
- Unbelievable. Un-fucking... - You're conning my son all along.
- I am not conning your son. - You're taking all his money.
I give him meaning. All you do is give him money.
- I give him purpose. - You listen to me!
[Marty] He won't even fucking look at you, he's so petrified of you.
What are we gonna do, huh? Where do you expect us to go?
You really want me to sleep on the street? I'm pregnant.
[Galanis] No, no, no. Dion! Dion!
All right, I gotta tell you something, Rachel. It's not intended to be mean.
I have a purpose. You don't.
If you think that's some sort of blessing, it's not.
It puts me at a huge life disadvantage.
It means I have an obligation to see a very specific thing through.
And with that obligation comes sacrifice, okay?
My life is the product of all the choices I've had to make.
Your life is the product of...
I don't even know what your life is the product of.
You're making it up as you go. That's the kind of person you are.
That's not the kind of person I am, okay?
You're responsible for the shitty decisions you've made.
I never told you to get married, not once.
- You cannot pawn them off onto me. - I understand.
How much do you make a year at the pet store?
About $1200.
Okay, in case you forgot, I have a week to make $1500,
not including air fare.
I need to focus right now, no distractions.
- I'm really sorry. - No, it's okay.
It goes without saying, I'm in no position to settle down right now.
Get that out of your mind. I will not settle down right now. Okay?
If you're serious about leaving Ira, I will not abandon you.
As your friend, I will help you.
We'll do the research, we'll find a great maternity home.
They'll take you in, they'll ensure the baby's got a good family.
We could do a-- No? No?
Then go home, Rachel. Just go home.
- What am I gonna say? - You'll figure it out. Go home, Rachel.
[door closes]
- [object thuds] - [exhales]
- Ira, wake up. - [groans]
It's not your baby.
[electronic music playing]
[grunting]
Stupid bitch, look at the fucking ground,
like a dumb fucking whore.
Fuck.
Fucking bullshit. Fucking go over there.
Stand in the fucking corner.
I'm gonna smack... You wanna do this?
That baby's gonna be a pimple-faced bum just like its fucking father.
[knocking on door]
Or it's gonna be a whore like its fucking whore mother.
[neighbor] Open up the door right now! There are people trying to sleep!
What?
- Stop this! Quiet! - Hey, Rachel. It's your new mother-in-law.
- Ira! Don't say that to her! I'm sorry. - Hey, congratulations, Mrs. Mauser.
- You're gonna be a grandmother. - What?
Here, she's your problem now. Here, take her shit.
Rachel, do you need help?
- That's enough. I'm sorry. - Do you need help, honey?
- No, I'm okay. Everyone, go back to bed. - Yeah, great. She's so sorry.
[electronic music continues]
- Are you Rachel? - You're Ezra?
- Where is he? - Give me the money and I'll bring him out.
Money? You ain't getting a nickel unless I see my dog.
Just so you know, I'm not alone, okay? I got people watching all around me.
I don't give a shit who's watching.
I'm letting you know I'm very protected right now in case you try anything.
- What? - Okay, do you want your dog?
I have your dog.
- What are you doing? - I don't want that collar.
- I want what's inside the collar. - Show me the money.
Would I have this if I didn't have your dog? No.
So show me the money, and I'll go and get him for you.
Come on. Come on!
You don't know who you're playing with, girl. Okay?
- Here's the money. - I don't fucking care.
Show me what's inside the envelope.
How am I supposed to know there's anything in there?
- Here, you wanna see? Here, look. Okay? - Yes. Great.
- Where you going, girl? - Does she have the dog or what?
Who the fuck knows?
Okay.
[line ringing]
- [bartender] Yeah, Blarney Stone. - Hi, it's me.
Who's "me"?
[sighs] Yeah, thank you. You can bring the dog out now.
You're the one that left the dog? What happened to "coming right back"?
We're ready, so you can walk him outside.
- The thing's pissed all over the floor. - Okay. I'll see you soon.
- What's going on? - Listen to me for a second, okay?
Look. Right over there. Okay?
The green awning.
My friend's gonna come out in a second with the dog.
Once you give me the money, I'm gonna call and say we're squared up, okay?
Look, there he is right now with the dog. I told you.
So hand me the money.
Fuck you.
Hey! Hey, give me my money.
What about... Hey!
Thief! Stop those two.
- They took my wallet. - Hey.
Stop them!
Where you going? Hey.
- Get off of me. - Come on.
Hey, him too! Him with the cast!
With the cast.
[bystander 1] What are you doing trying to steal from a pregnant woman?
- Shit. - [bystander 1] Hey, police!
[Ezra] What the fuck is this, man?
That's not Moses. Hey.
That's not my dog.
Yo, I'm out here. The lady said to come here.
- [Ezra] Fucking playing games with me? - Stay away. Hey!
[Ezra] Fucking playing games with me? Huh?
What kind of fucking shit you playing with me?
- Hey, get the fuck off me. Back up, man. - [bystander 1] Hey, calm down. Shit.
- Shit. - Stop there.
[bystander 2] Someone help her!
- Somebody! Help! - [Mitch] I got you, you fucking bitch!
- [screams] Hey! Stop! - [clothes ripping]
[knock on door]
What is it?
- Hey, how are you doing? - What are you doing here?
It's 12:30. I was wondering if you wanted to get lunch.
It's out of the question. I have a show opening tonight.
- Well, can I steal you away for an hour? - No.
- Can I talk to you for a second? Please. - I'm very busy.
Please, it'll just take a second.
Um... [exhales]
- I feel kind of nervous telling you this. - What?
All right, uh, I stole this from you, okay?
And I want to return it. All right?
I'm sorry. My plan was to sell it and never see you again.
But I can't stop thinking about you, and I can't steal from you.
Mmm.
You know that's costume jewelry, right?
- This is costume jewelry? I'm an idiot. - From the production.
What happened to doing it all on your own? Where did that speech go?
I know, I'm completely full of shit, okay?
I was in a tight spot, and I stole from you cause I needed some money,
and it was wrong.
I'm broke.
Look, I got no resources.
I got the championship next week in Japan. I got no way to get there.
I got no options. I got no one looking out for me, Kay.
Which isn't your problem. Which is why I'm returning it, okay?
- You know what I think? - What?
I think you went to sell that and discovered it was junk.
No.
And now you've shown up here with this ridiculous strategy
to get me to have some sympathy and open my wallet.
That's absurd. You think I would insult your intelligence like that?
- Are you gonna keep going? - Keep going what?
- Are you gonna keep on with this? - Just being myself.
- You're lying through your teeth. - I'm not. It's me being me.
- This is pathetic. You're being you? - I am telling you the truth.
I stole from you and then I feel bad about it,
- so I'm trying to make amends. - You're wasting your energy. I don't care.
I would have stolen from me too.
- [knocking on door] - [person] Kay.
- [Kay] Hi. - Looks like I'm interrupting something.
[Kay] No, no. Not at all.
This is Martin, my friend Carol's son. He was just leaving.
- This is Merle, my publicist. - Hello.
Martin would like to be an actor, but unfortunately he's not very good.
[Merle] Ah, well, you know,
- Broadway needs ushers too. - So what's happening with the seating?
I spoke to Milton. He's sending all of his employees.
It's like a mandate. Like, a company mandate.
This is supposed to make me happy?
Well, I mean, it's a full house. Isn't that the point?
- [Kay] Full of fucking morons. - [Merle] No, no. You got some--
- Fred Astaire is coming. - Okay, I'm gonna get out your hair...
No. Make sure you give him a ticket for tonight.
- [Marty] Really? - Yeah.
[Merle] Oh. You are in for such a treat, young man.
When you see this lady act,
you're gonna feel like you got your cock sucked by a vacuum cleaner.
- Merle! - [Merle chuckles] She's blushing. See her?
- What? - [laughing]
[orchestra playing]
[actor] Take your stinking seat.
[audience murmuring]
[gasping]
What the hell?
Have you lost your damned mind?
[audience applauding]
Jed. I'm talking to you.
[Jed] I was just practicing my aim, Mama.
- You always said to shoot for the stars. - [audience laughs]
Hey.
Come.
I'm sorry I'm late. I couldn't get away.
- Oh, I bet. - He was all over me.
You were incredible tonight. That was unbelievable.
- I have something for you. - For me?
Turn around.
Every year my husband gives me a piece of jewelry for our anniversary.
I have 25 of them. One for each year of misery.
That should cover your trip and then some.
Wearing it makes me feel like shit.
[electronic music playing]
[Kay moans]
Oh, shit. Stop, stop, stop.
Stop.
[moaning]
[gasping]
[moaning]
Hey! Hey, what are you doing?
- Shit. Oh, God. - [police officer] Get up!
- [Marty] Lay still. - [police officer] Stand up, I see you.
[Marty] When I tell you, run. One, two, three. Get up.
- Come on. Go. - [police officer] Hey!
Joey, stop them!
[Marty] Come on. Come on. Come on.
Hey. Hey. Where are you guys going? What are you guys doing here?
- [Marty] Nothing. - No, no, no.
- Let me see both of your hands. - Cuff him.
- [Marty] Oh, my God. We were just... - We didn't do anything.
Give us a break. We were looking for her earrings in the grass.
My earring came off. We were looking for my earring.
It looks like you've got two earrings in your ears there.
[Kay] Not this earring. There was... From before. There was another earring.
There's another pair of earrings from earlier in the day.
I recognize you.
- Oh, God. Oh, God. - You're Kay Stone.
- Yes. I know exactly who you are. - This is not happening.
- Let me see your hands. - Are you serious?
You know, I will go home,
and I'll get my wallet, and I will get you some cash
because we've put you out.
Please, officer. She's gonna go home and get her wallet. And give you cash.
- Got ID? - [Marty] No. No ID.
- Cuff her. - [Kay] No, please.
- No ID, huh? Let's see. - Please, please. No, no, no.
- Please, will you just let me go home? - Come on.
I'll give you my word.
Wow, lookie here. That's a really nice necklace.
Take it. Take it. It's yours.
Thank you very much.
I can't believe this.
Do you think you could grab me another necklace?
Are you serious?
You said they mean nothing to you. It'd just take you a couple of minutes.
I was just gone for half an hour. I can't go up and come right back down.
- My mother is up there. - You'd do that for the police officers.
- Oh, my God. My hair. - I'll wait in the hall.
No, you will not.
Wait. Wait.
There.
You look beautiful.
Please, you have 25 of them.
Fine!
- Stay here. Do you understand me? - I'll stay here. Okay.
- Do not move. - Okay.
Shit.
- [jazz combo playing] - [guests chattering]
Hello. Lovely to see you.
- David, how are you? - Good. How are you?
Where the fuck have you been?
I needed a moment to myself. Is that a problem?
I didn't realize I needed a permission slip.
I put this whole thing on for you and you're making me look like an idiot.
God.
Look. Merle's on the phone right now with The New York Times.
What?
He's got a printer who's gonna read the review.
My God.
- Or do you not care? - I got him! I have him!
- Oh, my God. Okay. - [Merle] Come, come, come!
[Kay] Coming!
- Hurry, he has the review! - I'm coming.
The review!
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
- Come on, come on. - Okay.
Raoul, Kay.
[Raoul] Okay. Title, "Kay Stone Returns" by Robert...
[exhales]
- [jazz combo continues playing] - [guests chattering]
- Have a good night. - Leave it open. Everyone's coming down.
- Are they? - Oh, yeah.
Party's over.
[doorman] Good night.
- The party's over. - [guests murmuring]
- They're asking us to leave. - What do you mean? We just got here.
They should've stopped us at the door. Why'd they let us in?
Excuse me. Do you know where Kay is?
- She's upstairs in her bedroom. - Okay.
[Kay sobbing]
Hi. Is Kay in there?
This is not a good time.
Okay, but can I just speak to her?
As I said, it's really not a good time.
[Rockwell] At the end of the year, if the guy made you money, you keep him.
And if not, you throw the bum out.
Excuse me.
- Hi. - You gotta be kidding me.
- I'm sorry to disturb you in your home. - How did you get in my house?
Please give me another chance. I am on my hands and knees.
I need a ride to Japan and I need $1,500 so I can compete in the championship.
I need this job very, very badly.
I'm begging you.
I'll work for you however you want. I will lose.
I'll have no personal point of view apart from making your event a success.
Marty, there are no second chances in life.
- Why not? - I offered you the job and you said no!
I know, because I was impulsive. And I regret it.
And?
And I was rude and overconfident.
And I was cocky, and I copped an attitude.
And?
And it won't happen again. I'm sorry.
Please just give me another chance, Mr. Rockwell.
I'm throwing myself at your mercy. I'll do whatever you want.
What do you guys think? Should I give this little asshole a second chance?
- [Marty] Yes, please! - Don't ask me.
You don't know how important this is to me. Please. I'm begging you.
Just let me go on your plane, and let me join you there.
Please, I'm humbling myself before you.
- You're making me sick. - I'm sorry.
- Stand up! - Okay. All right.
- Please. Okay? I'll do anything. - [guest 1 sighs, chuckles]
- Anything? - Yes. Anything.
Okay.
Go down the hall. Second door on the right is my office.
Grab the paddle and bring it back here.
[guest 1] This is more dramatic than the play. [laughs]
- Okay. - [guest 2] That's true.
[guests, Rockwell chattering]
Oh, Marty. Give me the paddle.
So here's what I want you to do.
I want you to bend over that chair and drop your pants.
[guest chuckles]
Are you for real?
You've been a really bad boy. Now you're gonna get a spanking.
Come on. Are you serious?
You wanna get to Japan, don't you?
Yeah, I wanna go to Japan. But this is what you want?
That's what it's gonna take. Now bend over.
Okay, so to be clear,
you're gonna bring me to Japan and then you're gonna compensate me?
Tomorrow morning, 8:30, LaGuardia. We're on our way to Japan.
- Do I need a ticket? - I own the plane.
How do I know you're gonna honor this?
You don't. Because you have no power here.
Now bend over.
Put your hands over here. I want a nice arc.
- [all laughing] - [Rockwell] Let's go.
[guest] Oh, my God.
Okay, I'm ready.
This one is for my son.
- [paddle whacks] - [guests continue laughing]
Okay.
This one is for me.
- [laughing continues] - God!
[Rockwell] Now the bonus round.
[paddle whacking]
Beautiful paddle. One side's wood and the other is foam.
[train rumbling]
[conductor speaking on PA, indistinct]
- Hey, Marty, how you doin'? - Hey, Ted. Hey, Lawrence.
Aw, damn. Hey, man. How you doin'?
You think I could stay in the back room tonight?
Wow, man. I got Brian staying there tonight.
I would let you stay at the house, man, but the wife ain't havin' it.
I'm just gonna hang around until my flight.
Where you goin'?
Going to Japan. Tomorrow morning, 8:00 a.m.
- Oh, yeah! - My man!
- Yo, you goin'! You got that money. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Good for you, man.
You ain't even look like you excited.
No, I'm-- I'm good. I'm good.
You know your boy back there, Wally, he's been waitin' on you.
- Wally's here? - Wally, yeah.
- How'd he seem? - Wally's good. He cool, man.
He's back there somewhere.
He believes in you. He has a dollar. She has a dollar.
Hey. How you doing?
Oh, wow! How you doing? Nice to see you!
I've been trying to get in touch with you.
- Oh, really? - Yeah. How's your dog? How's Moses doing?
You wanna cut the bullshit?
No bullshit. I'm genuinely concerned about him.
- Marty. You good, man? - Yeah, I'm good.
Now, listen to me. Listen. Listen. Listen.
I got your girl downstairs in the car. She's waiting for you.
What the fuck are you telling me? You got Rachel?
Yeah.
She told me my dog's in Jersey somewhere. And you got the address.
- Okay. - Let's go.
Okay. All right. Let me, uh...
Um, okay, let me just...
Give me two seconds. I just wanna say one thing to my friend.
Give you two seconds, yeah, but I'm not gonna be here.
- Where you gonna be? - Where am I gonna be?
I'm gonna be downstairs taking a hammer to your girl's stomach.
That's where I'm gonna be.
Okay. All right. All right.
Yo, Mouse!
- [Ezra] Come on. Let's go. - [Marty] Okay.
[Mitch] Well, I took most of his share of the money that our parents left us.
- [Ezra] You spent your brother's money? - [Mitch] Yes, I did.
[Ezra] Yeah, you love your brother?
[Mitch] Maybe you could give my brother a job. You know he's a good man.
[Ezra] I'll give him your job, okay? Mitch, do me a favor.
[Mitch] What?
[Ezra] Stop talking. Okay?
Okay. See the gas station there?
It's the house to the left.
- [Reuben] Next left? - Yeah.
[Reuben] I got it.
[Ezra] Get out of the car. Come on.
Mitch, come.
- Reuben, you wait with her. - Oh, okay.
[car door closes]
[Reuben] Sit tight.
Come on. Louder.
Knock louder.
[dog barking]
That's my dog.
Moses! Yo!
Open up!
- [barking continues] - Fuck. Moses.
- [Ezra] Come on. - [Reuben] I hate that fuckin' mutt.
Moses!
[barking continues]
Moses!
That's my dog. Moses!
Moses!
See anything in there?
No, not really.
- [Rachel] Marty! - Shit.
[shotgun fires]
[Rachel] Marty! Go!
[shotgun fires]
[Rachel] Marty!
[trembles]
[shotgun fires]
- [Reuben] Get down! Get down! - [screams]
Fuck!
- [shotgun fires] - [trembling continues]
[Rachel screams]
[Rachel] Marty! Marty! I got shot!
Help!
Help, Marty! Please help!
Help!
Are you okay? Oh, no! Are you okay?
- Are you okay? - What the fuck's going on?
[Marty] Okay. It's okay.
I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding.
Okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
- [shotgun fires] - [Ezra screams]
- I'm so sorry. - I'm sorry.
- Go get the money. - What money?
Go get the money. It's in his pocket. It's in his pocket.
Are you sure?
- The money! It's in the inside pocket! - Okay, okay, okay.
[Rachel whimpering]
[Ezra groaning]
Oh, fuck.
- What is this? - [Ezra continues groaning]
Oh, you motherfucker...
[barking continues]
[breathing heavily]
Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
- [whimpering] - [Reuben groaning]
Get off me! Where do you think you're going?
It's okay.
Okay.
[engine starts]
- You got it? You got it? - Yeah. I got it, I got it.
You got the money?
- Is there a lot of money? - There's a lot.
- You can go now. - I know. You did amazing.
- You can go on your trip now. - I knew you could do this. So good.
You did such a good job.
[Rachel] I love you.
- Honey, when is your due date? - Why? Is the baby okay?
The baby is fine. I just need you to calm down.
- Are you the husband? - No. I'm her friend.
She's due in four weeks. The baby will be okay?
The baby is okay. It's time to say goodbye.
- I can't go? - Only family in the operating room.
No, no, no, no, no!
It's gonna be fine. Rachel, it's fine. It's fine.
No, no, no! Marty, no.
He'll be right outside.
Marty, no!
Rachel, I can't go. They're telling me I can't go.
- I don't want you to-- - [nurse] Please calm down.
- Don't go, please! - Please calm down.
Please don't go! Marty!
[Rachel] No!
Thank you very much. Welcome to Japan, Mr. Rockwell.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
[chattering]
[big band jazz playing]
- [audience chattering, chanting] - [player, announcer speaking Japanese]
[audience groaning, cheering]
Mr. Mauser. Mr. Mauser.
Ah. Mr. Rockwell says the back of the line.
He doesn't want to begin yet.
[audience cheering, applauding]
[announcer continues speaking Japanese]
[speaking Japanese]
- Needs some practice. Needs a beer. - [all chattering]
[Marty] Mr. Sethi? Mr. Sethi.
Hey. It's me. It's Marty Mauser.
How you doing? I'm surprised to see you here, actually.
- Why's that? - I don't know. I--
We do have a tournament to promote.
No, of course, of course.
Yeah.
I think I owe you an apology for the way I acted in London.
I was a jackass.
There is such a thing as a code of courtesy, Mr. Mauser.
No, I know. It's just--
It's every man for himself where I come from.
That's just how I grew up. Okay?
And sometimes I feel like I don't even have control--
I'm really not interested in your excuses.
No, no, I know. It's not an excuse.
Look, the point is I'm gonna proceed with a much better attitude.
And by the way, if you see me acting rude up there today,
that's a character. This is scripted. I'm gonna lose 21-14.
This isn't a real thing. The real me, the polite me, you'll see next week.
- Next week? - At the championship.
You're not playing in the championship.
- What? - You're not participating this year.
No, no, no. I think you're confused.
That's what I'm doing the event for, so I can pay off the rest of my fine.
Come talk to Mr. Rockwell right now.
The tournament is less than two weeks away.
- All the bracketing has been set. - No, but we'll redo the bracketing.
I'm not gonna tear up the entire schedule on behalf of one entitled American.
No, Mr. Sethi. Mr. Sethi. Look...
I'm here.
I don't think you know how difficult that was, for me to come here.
I'm in Japan right now.
You haven't come far enough, I'm afraid.
What?
You have wasted your time coming here.
- [murmuring, laughing] - Unbelievable.
[announcer speaking Japanese]
[audience cheering, applauding]
[speaking Japanese]
[exclaims]
[audience gasping, murmuring]
- [announcer continues in Japanese] - [Marty exclaims]
[chattering, cheering]
[in English] I've traveled many miles here to Japan
to challenge my great nemesis, Endo!
[announcer speaking Japanese]
- [Endo speaking Japanese] - What's he say?
[in English] He doesn't want to embarrass you anymore.
Embarrass me? I am beyond embarrassment.
Tell him he's a-- Your champion is a fraud and a chicken.
[imitates clucking]
[audience chattering, laughing]
He's chicken!
[announcer, in English] Mr. Endo agrees to the match.
Great.
[in English] On the condition that...
the loser has to kiss a pig in front of the entire audience.
- A pig? - Yes.
A pig? What?
He said if you are going to act like a pig,
he will happily mate you with one.
- What does that-- - [speaking Japanese]
[audience laughing, cheering]
- [upbeat music playing] - [children screaming]
[applause]
[announcer speaking Japanese]
It's this cord in the fucking way.
- I'm stepping on the cord. Move the cord. - [announcer speaking Japanese]
Move the cord over there so I don't slip on it next time!
- [announcer] I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - So I don't break my ankle!
[applause]
[announcer speaking Japanese]
[audience] Endo! Endo!
Endo! Endo!
[announcer speaking Japanese]
- You speak English? - [translator] Yeah.
What's he saying?
"We are welcoming a special guest."
[announcer speaking Japanese]
"Mr. Ram Sethi. Come on up."
Thank you.
And thank you, Mr. Rockwell, for hosting such an unforgettable event.
What we have just witnessed is a mere taste of what is to come next week
when the finest players in the world will be competing
against your hometown hero, Koto Endo-san.
No more words from me. Let's bring on Agu the pig
and see the American plant a kiss on him.
- [drumroll] - [announcer speaking Japanese]
"Now we bring the pig onto the stage."
[snorts]
Wait, wait, wait.
- Hey. Hey. - [drumroll stops]
I want to play him in a real game first before I kiss the pig.
I want to play him in a real game.
Tell him I want to play him in a game that's not a sham.
Tell him!
You, tell the audience that was a fake game.
Tell them it was a sham and I want to play a real game against him.
- [translator] I cannot do that for you. - [Marty] Why can't you do that?
That was a fake game. That was staged.
No part of that was real.
I was not playing to the best of my ability.
It was an enormous form of disrespect to everyone here.
Hey, listen, who wants a real game?
Show of hands. Come on.
Wait, this man. This man.
[speaking Japanese]
[in English] Marty, you're right. We want to see the real game!
Yes!
[chanting in Japanese]
Endo, you're gonna side with them?
Translate. Translate this.
He's gonna side with them, really?
An American company selling their product off of his back like he's a mascot?
You're not a mascot.
Brian, get him down.
[Marty] Let's give them a real game. They want a real game.
Okay, okay.
Thank you, thank you. We need to move it along.
I'm not gonna be at the championship next week
'cause of this asshole. I'm not gonna be at the championship.
Give me a chance. You humiliated me.
Please, please, Endo. Please.
- Please, for me. Yes? - Okay.
- Yes. Okay. - Good? He says yes?
He says yes.
Thank you, Endo. Thank you.
He said yes. Yes.
[announcer speaking Japanese]
[audience chanting]
[announcer speaking Japanese]
This little fuck.
Let's do this.
[announcer speaking Japanese]
Fuck.
[announcer speaking Japanese]
Okay, Marty. All right.
[announcer speaking Japanese]
Yeah!
[American GI] Yeah, Marty! Go boy!
[announcer speaking Japanese]
[audience chanting]
[announcer speaking Japanese]
[grunts]
[announcer speaking Japanese]
[Rockwell speaking Japanese]
You can save your breath. I know I'm not getting paid.
Win or lose, you get nothing. I wonder how you're gonna get home.
- You're not getting on my plane. - It doesn't matter, okay?
Unless you're planning on shutting down the event, we got nothing to discuss.
- You think it's that simple? - Yeah, I do.
Let me explain to you.
I was born in 1601. I'm a vampire. I've been around forever.
I've met many Marty Mausers over the centuries.
Some of them crossed me, some weren't straight. They weren't honest.
And those are the ones that are still here.
You go out and win that game, you're gonna be here forever too.
And you'll never be happy. You will never be happy.
[scoffs]
Okay, Mr. Rockwell.
[announcer speaking Japanese]
Endo! Endo!
Endo! Endo! Endo!
[announcer speaking Japanese]
[audience chanting]
[announcer speaking Japanese]
There we go!
[announcer speaking Japanese]
You gotta fucking kidding me.
[Brian] Match point.
[announcer speaking Japanese]
- Don't let him getcha, Marty! - Yeah, Marty! Go boy!
[announcer speaking Japanese]
Okay.
Thank you. Good game. Good game.
You're a great player.
Good luck at the championship, okay? I hope you win.
[announcer speaking Japanese]
[line ringing]
[receptionist] Bellevue Hospital. May I help you?
[Marty] Hi, yes.
I was hoping to be connected with Rachel Mizler, please?
[receptionist] Do you know what floor she's on?
[Marty] Well, she would have gotten out of surgery.
So wherever you keep people like that.
[receptionist] Okay.
So it looks like she was moved to the maternity ward last night.
- [Marty] The maternity ward? - [receptionist] Yes.
- What do you mean, "the maternity ward"? - I'm sorry, I don't know the details.
[Marty] Is she okay? Did she have the baby? She's not due for four weeks.
[receptionist] This is all the information that I have, that she was rushed--
[Marty] "Rushed"? What are you saying, "rushed"? First you said, "moved,"
- now you're saying, "rushed"? - Sir, can you please calm down?
[Marty] Just put me through to the maternity ward, please.
- Daddy! - Hey!
Excuse me. Maternity ward's here?
- Yes, down the hall. - Thank you.
- Sir, you need to sign in. - No, no. I'm the father.
Hi.
[chattering]
It's okay, sleep. I'm here. I'm here. It's okay.
I'm right here. Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere.
Go back to sleep.
I love you.
[babies crying]
Five, please, Mizler.
[nurse] You said four, right?
[nurse] Do you want me to pick him up?
Say hi to Daddy.
["Everybody Wants to Rule the World" playing]
Yeah, there he is. Say hi.
Yes. Yeah.
[song continues]