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{\an8}[announcer] And now,
live from San Antonio, this is Joe Rogan.
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[audience cheering and applauding]
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What's up? What's happening? San Antonio!
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The world got weird,
but we're all together.
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[audience cheering and applauding]
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We're all together.
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And I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else
but here in Texas.
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Fuck, yeah.
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[audience cheers]
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Fuck, yeah.
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Thanks for coming out, folks.
Thank you very much, appreciate it.
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[audience cheers]
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This is my new home state.
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I've been living here for four years,
I fucking love it.
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[audience cheers]
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I love it here. I'm never moving.
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The only adjustment I've ever had to make
is Texas weed.
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[audience laughs]
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You think it's the same.
Texas weed is different.
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Because Texas weed is grown on Texas soil.
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[audience cheers]
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And I believe the soil has memories.
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[audience laughs]
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Because if you smoke
too much Texas weed, like…
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[inhales]
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We gotta give this land back.
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[audience laughs]
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Dude, what the fuck did they do?
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[audience laughs]
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I heard that every Buc-ee's is built
on an Indian burial ground.
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[audience laughs]
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Yeah. [laughs]
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That might be misinformation.
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Don't say you heard it from me.
I am known for that shit.
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[audience laughs]
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Buc-ee's is where I take
all my friends from California.
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They're like, "Why do you like Texas?"
I take them right to Buc-ee's. "Behold!"
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[audience cheers]
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Behold the kind of gas station possible
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in the land of the people
who conquered the Comanche.
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If you've never been to Buc-ee's,
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it's like if you were in the middle
of a cocaine binge
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and you decide to make the ultimate
gas station. And you fucking did it.
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[audience laughs]
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You really did it. You got a pile
of your dad's oil money, like--
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[snorts]
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[man] Whoo!
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"I wanna sell kayaks!"
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[audience laughs]
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I want my gas station now,
pickled alligator dicks
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and Chuck Norris action jeans.
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- [man] Woo-hoo!
- [snorts]
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How come you can't vote here?
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[audience laughs]
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If you could vote for Trump at Buc-ee's,
the aliens would land.
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They would go, "What the fuck
are you people doing?"
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I'm very invested in aliens being real.
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If they're not,
I'm gonna feel so fucking stupid.
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I've had so many dumb conversations
about them.
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The dumbest argument
that aliens aren't real,
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"If aliens are real, why don't they land
on the White House lawn?"
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Oh, when you go fishing, do you check in
with the president of the lake?
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[audience laughs]
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No, you just trick those dummies
with fake food
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and pull them up, take pictures of them,
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drop them back in the water,
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and they're like,
"What the fuck just happened?"
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[audience laughs and applauds]
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Exact same things the aliens do to us.
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I think aliens look at us the same way
we look at Waffle House fights.
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[audience laughs]
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They just observe, like,
"What the fuck is going on?"
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If you could come from another planet,
you think you'd wanna talk to Biden?
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[audience laughs]
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Like, "Take me to your leader."
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"I got hairy legs.
My uncle got eaten by a cannibal.
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[audience laughs]
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Come on, man."
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[audience cheering and applauding]
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I think… [laughs]
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I think if I was an alien, I would treat
us the exact same way the aliens do.
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I wouldn't give a fuck
who's in the Pentagon.
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I would find some dude cooking meth
in Arkansas,
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and I'd teleport him up into the spaceship
and explain to him telepathically
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that time is an illusion,
even though you can measure it,
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and all humans are the product
of accelerated evolution
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put here to give birth to A.I.
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Then I'd drop him back off in the woods.
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[audience laughs]
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And say, "Now go tell someone, bitch.
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[audience laughs]
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Go tell them how I touched your butt."
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[audience laughs]
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What? What's that all about?
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The alien anal probe, we all know.
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Why do we know that?
Why is that always a part of the story?
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Because it makes the story
more ridiculous.
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Makes people less likely to believe.
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I think they're going,
"What if somebody believes him?
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Put something in his ass.
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[audience laughs]
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Make him love it. Make him
just jizz all over himself."
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Just, "Oh, shit. Oh, God."
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Imagine if you have your greatest orgasm
on an operating table in a spaceship?
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"Oh, Jesus."
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[audience laughs]
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You're gonna leave that part out.
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[audience laughs]
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Your story's always gonna seem suspect.
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People gonna go, "Is that all?"
"That's everything. The whole story."
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[audience laughing]
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Maybe that's how they get our DNA.
That's how they get cum out of donkeys.
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[audience laughs]
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I used to host Fear Factor, and, uh…
[laughs]
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- [audience cheering and applauding]
- And…
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Thank you very much. Thank you very much.
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[laughs]
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This is a true story.
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Fear Factor was canceled because
we made people drink donkey cum.
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[audience groans]
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I'm the only guy in Hollywood that lost
a job because people had to drink cum.
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[audience laughs]
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Usually, that's how you get a job.
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[audience laughs]
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And look, first of all, wasn't my idea.
Okay? I just worked there.
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And the way Fear Factor would work,
I would show up,
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they'd give me a script
of what the contestants had to do.
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I would read it and go, "What the fuck?"
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[audience laughs]
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But on one day in particular,
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it said they were playing horseshoes
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to see who had to drink
the most donkey cum.
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And I said words I never thought I'd say.
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"I don't think you should make people
drink cum on TV."
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[audience laughs]
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When I'm the voice of reason,
you've got a really fucked-up program.
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[audience laughs and applauds]
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And here's the thing, they had buckets,
like Home Depot buckets, of cum.
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And I'm like, "How did you get that?"
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[audience laughs]
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You can't just have that.
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You gotta tell me how you sourced it,
okay?
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You gotta be real clear right away.
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We got laws, okay?
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So I asked the handler,
"How do you get it?"
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He goes, "You take a cattle prod
and you stick it up the donkey's ass
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and you shock his prostate,
and they just bust."
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[audience laughs]
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And I was like, "Whoa,
that is so fucked up."
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Then I was like,
"What does that feel like?"
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[audience laughs]
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Like, you don't wanna know.
Like, what if it's your favorite thing?
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Like-- [grunts]
You can't even tell anybody.
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If that was your favorite thing,
you gotta keep that to yourself.
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No one is gonna understand.
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They ask you, "What's the happiest
day of your life? Birth of your child?"
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- Like, "Eh.
- [audience laughs]
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That was pretty good. But one time,
I got abducted by aliens.
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They stuck the finger of God up my ass,
and I jizzed out of every cell in my body.
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And I been chasing that dragon ever since.
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[audience laughs]
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I'm on my rooftop every night
with a flashlight going:
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'Come back. Come back. Come back'."
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[audience cheers and applauds]
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If they're real and they're watching--
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If they were gonna come,
they would have come during COVID.
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It's good to see everybody
having a good time.
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The country's almost back to normal
before World War III.
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- [laughs]
- [audience laughs and cheers]
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COVID was just so strange.
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We lost a lot of people during COVID,
and most of them are still alive.
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[audience laughs]
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- Yeah. Right?
- [audience cheering and applauding]
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Right?
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There's a lot of people that
I don't fuck with anymore.
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Before COVID, I would have told you
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vaccines are the most important
invention in history.
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After COVID, I'm like,
"I don't think we went to the moon."
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[audience laughs]
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I think Michelle Obama's got a dick.
I think Pizzagate is real.
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I think there's directed-energy weapons
in Antarctica.
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[audience cheering and applauding]
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- [man] Oh!
- I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.
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I don't think Michelle Obama's got a dick,
but I believe all that other shit.
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[audience laughs]
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Here's one thing we found out
during COVID.
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How disgusting men are.
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Because here's a pop quiz:
how many ladies got fired
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because they got caught masturbating
during Zoom calls?
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[audience laughs]
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Was there even one?
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Out of all the crazy bitches out there,
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not even one is like,
"Show me your fucking spreadsheet."
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Not even one? Not even one.
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[audience laughs]
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Dudes were dropping like flies.
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It was the number one reason
why men in executive positions got fired.
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I just made that up,
but doesn't it make sense?
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- [audience laughs]
- You believed me. It tracks.
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[audience whooping]
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Men are so gross you can't even
set up in front of a camera with a--
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With a computer with a webcam
pointed at us without a guy thinking,
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"What does this camera see
if I get down like this here?
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00:10:06,405 --> 00:10:07,538
Keep a poker face.
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00:10:07,605 --> 00:10:10,871
If this dog stops barking
so I can keep my hard-on."
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00:10:11,738 --> 00:10:14,638
You're on an election call, like,
"January 6th, lock them up.
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Lock them all up."
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00:10:15,838 --> 00:10:17,271
[audience laughs]
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Here's the thing about jerking off.
Everybody does it,
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but if you get caught,
you're a fucking loser.
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00:10:28,238 --> 00:10:30,738
[audience laughs and applauds]
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"You fucking loser."
And you feel it too.
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You're like, "Oh, no,
I can't believe I got caught."
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"Everyone knows.
Everyone's gonna know.
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00:10:39,271 --> 00:10:40,505
Oh, no!"
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00:10:41,305 --> 00:10:42,771
[sobs]
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00:10:44,871 --> 00:10:47,471
I've only been caught once
in my whole jerking-off career.
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But it was by my wife,
and she was so upset.
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She goes, "I can't believe you did it
while I'm at home." I'm like… [winces]
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"I do it while you're sleeping
right next to me." I do it like this.
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I do tiny strokes
just to not wake the master.
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00:11:00,638 --> 00:11:03,971
I put a glass of water on the bed
to make sure I'm not making any ripples.
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00:11:04,571 --> 00:11:06,638
I like to live dangerous.
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00:11:06,705 --> 00:11:09,671
I eat supermarket sushi.
I don't give a fuck.
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00:11:09,738 --> 00:11:10,905
[audience laughs]
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00:11:10,971 --> 00:11:12,271
[man] Whoo!
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00:11:14,671 --> 00:11:15,705
[laughs]
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00:11:17,638 --> 00:11:18,838
I like to take fake risks.
231
00:11:18,905 --> 00:11:21,305
I like to take edibles
before I get on airplanes.
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00:11:21,371 --> 00:11:23,271
[audience cheers]
233
00:11:23,338 --> 00:11:26,905
Listen. It's a way to find out
what really bothers you.
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00:11:27,705 --> 00:11:29,138
[audience laughs]
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00:11:29,205 --> 00:11:32,338
I don't like to give advice.
I don't give a lot of advice.
236
00:11:32,405 --> 00:11:35,405
But I will say this.
200mg is the right dose.
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00:11:35,471 --> 00:11:38,171
[audience laughs]
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00:11:38,238 --> 00:11:39,238
Don't do it.
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00:11:39,805 --> 00:11:43,838
Don't do it. But if you're gonna do it,
that's the number. This is why.
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If you wanna know what's in the basement,
you gotta go down the stairs.
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00:11:48,805 --> 00:11:49,738
[audience laughs]
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00:11:49,805 --> 00:11:52,705
You gotta go look around. A lot of people
are like, "I like to microdose.
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00:11:52,771 --> 00:11:55,005
It makes food taste better,
makes sex feel better."
244
00:11:55,071 --> 00:11:58,138
Uh-uh. You gotta get to,
"What are memories made out of?"
245
00:11:58,205 --> 00:12:01,305
You know? You gotta get to,
"Maybe the universe is God."
246
00:12:01,371 --> 00:12:03,071
[screams] You gotta get to that place.
247
00:12:04,571 --> 00:12:07,605
The airport is the best place
to be high in public.
248
00:12:07,671 --> 00:12:11,471
This is why. Because no one notices.
Because everyone's acting weird.
249
00:12:11,971 --> 00:12:13,071
[audience laughs]
250
00:12:13,138 --> 00:12:14,705
No one acts normal at the airport.
251
00:12:14,771 --> 00:12:16,905
They're all standing around,
talking quiet.
252
00:12:17,571 --> 00:12:22,938
They're all worried they're gonna die.
When you're high, you blend right in.
253
00:12:23,005 --> 00:12:25,005
[audience laughs]
254
00:12:25,638 --> 00:12:28,205
And you don't have to do any thinking.
They tell you what to do.
255
00:12:28,271 --> 00:12:29,671
"Get in line." I'm like, "Okay."
256
00:12:29,738 --> 00:12:31,771
[audience laughs]
257
00:12:31,838 --> 00:12:33,605
"Walk up here." [grunts]
258
00:12:33,671 --> 00:12:37,605
"Give me your ticket. Sit down.
Don't lean back." "I won't. I won't."
259
00:12:37,671 --> 00:12:41,305
Strap yourself into your chair. And every
now and then, they come by with water.
260
00:12:41,371 --> 00:12:43,471
You're like, "Whoa." [yells]
261
00:12:43,938 --> 00:12:48,771
You're going 500 miles an hour,
30,000 feet in the sky,
262
00:12:48,838 --> 00:12:51,438
thinking about people
you fingered in high school, going…
263
00:12:51,505 --> 00:12:53,505
[audience laughs]
264
00:12:54,138 --> 00:12:57,871
And you don't think you're gonna make it.
"I can't keep doing this." But you can.
265
00:12:59,338 --> 00:13:02,238
It's like a near-death experience
you always survive.
266
00:13:02,305 --> 00:13:03,971
[audience laughs]
267
00:13:05,271 --> 00:13:08,171
And all my friends that don't like weed
say the same thing.
268
00:13:08,238 --> 00:13:10,805
They're like, "Dude,
it makes me paranoid."
269
00:13:11,405 --> 00:13:12,338
Right.
270
00:13:12,405 --> 00:13:13,971
[audience laughs]
271
00:13:14,038 --> 00:13:14,905
Right.
272
00:13:16,405 --> 00:13:17,605
But when it's over…
273
00:13:18,671 --> 00:13:19,838
But when it's over.
274
00:13:20,471 --> 00:13:23,205
Everyone in this room
that has ever been too high,
275
00:13:23,271 --> 00:13:26,305
the moment it wears off,
you're like, "Ohhh.
276
00:13:27,905 --> 00:13:29,471
I'm gonna be a better person.
277
00:13:29,538 --> 00:13:31,171
[audience cheering and applauding]
278
00:13:31,238 --> 00:13:34,505
I'm gonna be nicer to people.
I'm gonna hug more folks.
279
00:13:35,271 --> 00:13:37,438
Like, half these problems
have to be my fault."
280
00:13:38,771 --> 00:13:40,705
The only time
it's ever been a problem for me
281
00:13:40,771 --> 00:13:44,305
is if you have to answer questions
to an official person.
282
00:13:44,371 --> 00:13:47,905
Like, I have TSA Pre, which I really
recommend if you're not a terrorist.
283
00:13:48,571 --> 00:13:51,438
It's a solid deal. If you give
the government money,
284
00:13:51,505 --> 00:13:53,005
they let you keep your shoes on.
285
00:13:53,905 --> 00:13:57,338
You're like, "Ah, thank you, overlords.
So kind."
286
00:13:57,405 --> 00:14:01,471
And it's a nice way to separate society.
'Cause you're in this quick-moving line.
287
00:14:01,538 --> 00:14:04,905
You get to pass those barefoot losers
with their shitty paperwork.
288
00:14:05,471 --> 00:14:08,138
My laptop's in my bag, motherfucker.
289
00:14:08,671 --> 00:14:10,138
You know? You feel trusted.
290
00:14:11,505 --> 00:14:14,838
But I didn't know that, uh,
they still have to touch you
291
00:14:14,905 --> 00:14:16,171
even if you have TSA Pre.
292
00:14:16,238 --> 00:14:18,405
It's a number thing.
It's a random number thing.
293
00:14:18,471 --> 00:14:21,238
So I walk through the cancer machine,
and this light goes off.
294
00:14:21,305 --> 00:14:22,771
[audience laughs]
295
00:14:22,838 --> 00:14:25,571
And this is exactly how this lady
said this to me. She goes:
296
00:14:25,638 --> 00:14:29,671
[imitating woman] "You've been randomly
selected for additional screening."
297
00:14:29,738 --> 00:14:31,238
[audience laughs]
298
00:14:31,305 --> 00:14:34,305
[normal voice] And I'm so high,
I don't even know if this is real life.
299
00:14:34,371 --> 00:14:36,471
[audience laughs]
300
00:14:36,538 --> 00:14:39,171
And I'm like, "But I got the TSA Pre."
She goes:
301
00:14:39,238 --> 00:14:41,571
[imitating woman]
"Oh, I know. It's dumb as fuck.
302
00:14:41,638 --> 00:14:43,605
But it doesn't take long,
so why are we fighting?"
303
00:14:43,671 --> 00:14:45,838
[normal voice]
"We're not fighting. I don't wanna fight."
304
00:14:45,905 --> 00:14:47,738
[audience laughs]
305
00:14:47,805 --> 00:14:50,171
She goes,
[imitating woman] "Good. Male assist."
306
00:14:51,738 --> 00:14:56,005
[normal voice] I'm like, "Male assist?
Did you just assume my gender?"
307
00:14:56,071 --> 00:14:58,138
[audience laughing]
308
00:14:58,205 --> 00:15:00,138
- Listen.
- [audience cheering and applauding]
309
00:15:00,205 --> 00:15:03,605
[laughs] That is a new thing you can say.
310
00:15:05,471 --> 00:15:07,971
That's a new thing you can say,
no matter what you look like.
311
00:15:09,005 --> 00:15:11,938
If you say to a person, no matter
what you look like, if you say:
312
00:15:12,005 --> 00:15:15,671
"Did you just assume my gender?"
Most people don't know what to do.
313
00:15:15,738 --> 00:15:17,738
[audience laughs]
314
00:15:18,805 --> 00:15:19,971
She knew what to do. She goes:
315
00:15:20,038 --> 00:15:22,371
[imitating woman] "I'm sorry.
Are you a woman, motherfucker?"
316
00:15:22,438 --> 00:15:23,305
[audience laughs]
317
00:15:23,371 --> 00:15:26,571
[normal voice] And we both looked
at each other and went, "Ahhhhhh!"
318
00:15:26,638 --> 00:15:29,271
I go, "Oh, you're high too."
319
00:15:30,505 --> 00:15:32,671
So I high-five this nice lady,
320
00:15:32,738 --> 00:15:34,705
and they bring a man
who starts touching me
321
00:15:34,771 --> 00:15:36,571
while he's asking me UFC questions.
322
00:15:36,638 --> 00:15:38,638
[audience laughs]
323
00:15:39,371 --> 00:15:41,871
It's one of the weirdest moments
of my life because, first of all,
324
00:15:41,938 --> 00:15:44,305
I'm ticklish and trying to act normal.
325
00:15:44,371 --> 00:15:46,571
I'm standing here,
and this dude's on his knee going,
326
00:15:46,638 --> 00:15:49,405
"You think Conor McGregor
and Nate Diaz ever gonna fight again?"
327
00:15:49,471 --> 00:15:51,471
[audience laughs]
328
00:15:51,538 --> 00:15:53,971
[audience cheering and applauding]
329
00:15:54,638 --> 00:15:55,605
[laughs]
330
00:15:57,071 --> 00:15:59,071
And I'm trying to act normal.
"I hope so, bro.
331
00:15:59,138 --> 00:16:01,305
That'll be a good fight, solid fight."
332
00:16:03,471 --> 00:16:04,738
Then he hits me with this.
333
00:16:04,805 --> 00:16:07,238
If you've ever been randomly selected,
this is what they do.
334
00:16:07,305 --> 00:16:09,871
He goes, "I'll run the back of my hand
against your crotch."
335
00:16:09,938 --> 00:16:11,838
[audience laughs]
336
00:16:11,905 --> 00:16:14,305
Remember, I'm really high.
337
00:16:14,371 --> 00:16:15,871
[audience laughs]
338
00:16:15,938 --> 00:16:19,471
So I'm like, "Why are you gonna
use the back of your hand?"
339
00:16:19,538 --> 00:16:21,738
[audience laughing and applauding]
340
00:16:23,305 --> 00:16:24,605
Is that the best way to do it?
341
00:16:24,671 --> 00:16:28,638
Hey, man, is that for you or for me?
342
00:16:28,705 --> 00:16:32,971
Because for me, it still feels like
you're touching my dick.
343
00:16:33,038 --> 00:16:37,038
You're just doing it in this weird,
dismissive way. Just… [grunts]
344
00:16:37,105 --> 00:16:40,405
It's just a rude way to touch a dick.
It's like… [grunts]
345
00:16:40,471 --> 00:16:42,905
"Are you a terrorist?
I'll be the judge. [grunting]
346
00:16:42,971 --> 00:16:43,971
Nope.
347
00:16:44,471 --> 00:16:47,871
Just another dude whose dick
I made feel weird."
348
00:16:47,938 --> 00:16:49,138
- I mean--
- [audience laughs]
349
00:16:49,205 --> 00:16:51,338
How many terrorists
have they stopped with that?
350
00:16:51,405 --> 00:16:54,138
Is it zero or is it negative numbers?
351
00:16:55,005 --> 00:16:57,005
You disrespectful motherfucker.
352
00:16:57,071 --> 00:17:00,871
The back of your hand might be the
worst way to figure out something.
353
00:17:00,938 --> 00:17:02,771
You ain't getting no good data.
354
00:17:02,838 --> 00:17:04,371
[audience laughs]
355
00:17:04,438 --> 00:17:06,038
Why you touching dicks like that?
356
00:17:06,105 --> 00:17:07,371
[audience laughs]
357
00:17:07,438 --> 00:17:08,671
I tell you why, folks,
358
00:17:08,738 --> 00:17:11,705
because it's our government's solution
to a complex problem.
359
00:17:12,604 --> 00:17:15,738
Which is, "How do you touch dicks
and not be gay?"
360
00:17:15,805 --> 00:17:17,371
[audience laughs]
361
00:17:17,438 --> 00:17:18,405
[laughs]
362
00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:22,271
They're like, "Got it. We're gonna use
the back of our hand. It's no countsies."
363
00:17:22,338 --> 00:17:24,505
[audience laughs and cheers]
364
00:17:27,538 --> 00:17:30,571
"Does it work?" "Yeah, try it on me,
I can't even cum. Come on, bro."
365
00:17:30,638 --> 00:17:32,638
[audience laughs]
366
00:17:33,338 --> 00:17:35,405
Just jokes, folks, no one's getting hurt.
367
00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:36,838
[audience laughs]
368
00:17:37,738 --> 00:17:40,571
I opened up a comedy club
in Austin, Texas, a year and a half ago.
369
00:17:40,638 --> 00:17:41,671
Thank you very much.
370
00:17:41,738 --> 00:17:43,338
[audience cheering and applauding]
371
00:17:43,405 --> 00:17:47,371
When the world got crazy,
I had to move to the Land of the Free.
372
00:17:47,938 --> 00:17:50,638
I love it. But one of the weird things
about owning a comedy club
373
00:17:50,705 --> 00:17:52,038
is other people's reactions.
374
00:17:52,105 --> 00:17:53,905
Fox News had the dumbest reaction.
375
00:17:53,971 --> 00:17:57,871
They're like, "Joe Rogan created
an anti-woke comedy club."
376
00:17:57,938 --> 00:18:00,671
- [woman] Yeah!
- I'm like, "Oh, you mean a comedy club?"
377
00:18:00,738 --> 00:18:01,771
[audience laughs]
378
00:18:01,838 --> 00:18:03,238
Like a regular one?
379
00:18:03,738 --> 00:18:06,738
That's like saying
I got a meat-eating steakhouse.
380
00:18:07,271 --> 00:18:09,138
You don't have to use all those words.
381
00:18:11,138 --> 00:18:12,971
I get why young people wanna be woke,
382
00:18:13,038 --> 00:18:15,971
but I can't do it,
because I come from a different era, okay?
383
00:18:16,038 --> 00:18:18,871
- [audience cheering]
- I was born In 1967,
384
00:18:18,938 --> 00:18:22,371
and when I was a boy,
you could be Hitler for Halloween.
385
00:18:24,105 --> 00:18:27,171
Nobody cared.
I never did it, but you could do It.
386
00:18:27,238 --> 00:18:28,705
Show up at your Jewish friend's house,
387
00:18:28,771 --> 00:18:30,471
I'm like, "Aw, look at the little fuhrer."
388
00:18:30,538 --> 00:18:33,971
Give a little tousle of your hair.
Throw a candy in your bag.
389
00:18:35,838 --> 00:18:37,571
They knew you weren't really Hitler.
390
00:18:38,571 --> 00:18:41,938
Like, he's dead, and you're 4.
This is ridiculous.
391
00:18:42,005 --> 00:18:44,005
[audience laughs]
392
00:18:44,905 --> 00:18:48,638
And I get why the young people
wanna be woke. I really do.
393
00:18:48,705 --> 00:18:51,338
Old people have fucked up the world.
Let's try communism.
394
00:18:51,405 --> 00:18:53,271
I get it. You don't know any better.
I get it.
395
00:18:53,871 --> 00:18:55,338
You're young, I get it.
396
00:18:55,771 --> 00:18:59,338
And also, people desperately
wanna be on a team.
397
00:18:59,405 --> 00:19:00,338
We're tribal.
398
00:19:00,405 --> 00:19:03,271
There's only two teams in this
country, the left and the right.
399
00:19:03,705 --> 00:19:05,871
You know, you don't wanna be independent.
400
00:19:06,705 --> 00:19:09,471
You don't wanna be that
weird dude telling everybody
401
00:19:09,538 --> 00:19:13,438
that gold Is the only legitimate currency
and all tax is theft.
402
00:19:13,505 --> 00:19:15,505
[audience whooping and applauding]
403
00:19:17,105 --> 00:19:18,671
- [man] Yeah!
- That's me.
404
00:19:18,738 --> 00:19:19,571
[audience laughs]
405
00:19:19,638 --> 00:19:23,238
If you get me drunk, I will be annoying.
I will tell some shit you already know.
406
00:19:23,305 --> 00:19:26,105
So I understand
why people wanna be on a team.
407
00:19:26,171 --> 00:19:30,138
So you just try to find a team
that aligns with your values, right?
408
00:19:30,205 --> 00:19:31,671
What does your team believe?
409
00:19:31,738 --> 00:19:34,538
"We believe that healthcare
is a basic human right."
410
00:19:34,605 --> 00:19:35,471
I agree.
411
00:19:35,538 --> 00:19:38,271
"We think that education should be free."
Me too.
412
00:19:38,338 --> 00:19:39,971
"And men can get pregnant."
413
00:19:40,038 --> 00:19:40,871
Fuck!
414
00:19:40,938 --> 00:19:42,171
[audience laughs]
415
00:19:43,738 --> 00:19:48,171
Is that a package deal?
How did that one slip through?
416
00:19:48,238 --> 00:19:50,838
[audience laughs]
417
00:19:50,905 --> 00:19:53,905
That wasn't-- All of a sudden,
it's an emoji on your phone.
418
00:19:55,471 --> 00:19:59,905
You probably don't even know
that you have that.
419
00:20:00,505 --> 00:20:03,571
If you're a heterosexual man--
And I know there's a few of us left.
420
00:20:03,638 --> 00:20:04,971
[audience laughs]
421
00:20:05,038 --> 00:20:07,038
[audience whooping and applauding]
422
00:20:07,105 --> 00:20:08,105
You know…
423
00:20:09,938 --> 00:20:13,571
You know how when you type things,
Apple gives you an emoji as a suggestion.
424
00:20:13,638 --> 00:20:16,338
If your friend's, like, "Hey,
you want to go out Saturday?"
425
00:20:16,405 --> 00:20:19,105
You text back, "I can't. I'm trying to
get my wife pregnant, man."
426
00:20:19,171 --> 00:20:22,171
And you look down at your phone,
and you're like, "Is that Bert Kreischer?"
427
00:20:22,238 --> 00:20:24,405
[audience laughs]
428
00:20:24,471 --> 00:20:25,505
"What is that?"
429
00:20:26,238 --> 00:20:29,405
It's a pregnant man. Oh, finally!
430
00:20:29,971 --> 00:20:32,838
Finally, there's a pregnant man emoji.
431
00:20:33,305 --> 00:20:37,105
Representation. Finally, I could write,
"eggplant, splash of water, pregnant man."
432
00:20:37,171 --> 00:20:38,771
Finally.
433
00:20:41,305 --> 00:20:42,905
You ever see the regular man emoji?
434
00:20:42,971 --> 00:20:45,371
He looks like the guy
Tiger King fucks in prison.
435
00:20:45,438 --> 00:20:47,705
[groans] Just listless and…
436
00:20:48,271 --> 00:20:50,038
The pregnant man looks robust,
437
00:20:50,105 --> 00:20:52,605
like Charles Bronson
with a baby inside him.
438
00:20:52,671 --> 00:20:55,405
Like, "I'm the fucking future."
439
00:20:55,471 --> 00:20:57,105
[audience laughs]
440
00:20:58,571 --> 00:21:02,938
It's just new language, okay?
I'm trying to learn your new language.
441
00:21:03,005 --> 00:21:06,505
I'm willing to say men get pregnant.
I'm willing to say "pregnant men."
442
00:21:06,571 --> 00:21:10,671
I just don't think it's a good--
I think you need extra words.
443
00:21:11,505 --> 00:21:14,371
How many men can get pregnant?
Not a lot, right?
444
00:21:14,438 --> 00:21:17,971
Is there anything different
about the ones who can?
445
00:21:18,771 --> 00:21:21,038
Maybe we should use extra words,
446
00:21:21,771 --> 00:21:24,871
like we do with other stuff,
like off-road vehicle.
447
00:21:24,938 --> 00:21:27,038
[audience laughs]
448
00:21:27,105 --> 00:21:29,638
It's still a vehicle,
but it can do some extra shit.
449
00:21:29,705 --> 00:21:30,971
[audience laughs]
450
00:21:31,038 --> 00:21:33,971
If you're a dude and you can have
babies, that seems really new.
451
00:21:34,638 --> 00:21:36,538
I'm not trying to be offensive.
452
00:21:37,038 --> 00:21:40,505
The last person I want mad at me
is a pregnant man.
453
00:21:40,571 --> 00:21:42,571
[audience laughs and applauds]
454
00:21:43,238 --> 00:21:47,638
Do you have any idea how unreasonably
confident they would be?
455
00:21:48,171 --> 00:21:51,538
You've got a full beard
and you're breastfeeding a baby,
456
00:21:51,605 --> 00:21:54,738
going, "I am in defiance of God!"
457
00:21:54,805 --> 00:21:55,671
[audience laughs]
458
00:21:55,738 --> 00:21:58,305
Big old thick neck and hairy tits.
459
00:21:58,738 --> 00:22:03,205
And the baby sucking on that nipple
going, "Where the fuck is my mom?
460
00:22:03,271 --> 00:22:05,405
- [imitating baby breastfeeding]
- [audience laughs]
461
00:22:05,471 --> 00:22:07,838
And why does this taste like jet fuel?"
462
00:22:07,905 --> 00:22:09,838
[audience laughs]
463
00:22:13,205 --> 00:22:16,638
I wanna know what's going on.
The world got weird. And here's my take.
464
00:22:17,305 --> 00:22:20,005
I just wanna be real clear.
I believe in trans people.
465
00:22:20,071 --> 00:22:23,105
I think the world is strange,
nature is strange.
466
00:22:23,171 --> 00:22:27,138
Nature can throw you a curveball,
and you believe you're in the wrong body.
467
00:22:27,205 --> 00:22:29,805
And I fully support your right as an adult
468
00:22:29,871 --> 00:22:31,938
to do whatever you want
that makes you happy.
469
00:22:32,005 --> 00:22:34,705
I believe in freedom,
and I believe in love.
470
00:22:34,771 --> 00:22:36,771
[audience cheering and applauding]
471
00:22:38,371 --> 00:22:42,271
But I also believe in crazy people.
And here's the thing.
472
00:22:42,738 --> 00:22:46,671
That somehow or another,
that got left out of the equation.
473
00:22:47,105 --> 00:22:50,138
All of a sudden, crazy people
just went away, like the flu during COVID.
474
00:22:50,205 --> 00:22:51,438
Like, ah.
475
00:22:51,505 --> 00:22:53,671
It just got absorbed in the numbers.
476
00:22:54,871 --> 00:22:58,338
Suddenly, every man in a dress
is stunning and brave. It's like…
477
00:22:59,905 --> 00:23:02,305
Trans women are women. How about most?
478
00:23:02,371 --> 00:23:05,938
How about almost all?
You gotta leave room for crazy.
479
00:23:10,138 --> 00:23:14,671
Plus, I'm sorry-- I'm sorry
if it's taken me a while to adjust,
480
00:23:14,738 --> 00:23:17,938
but all my life,
if there was a movie about a killer,
481
00:23:18,005 --> 00:23:20,338
he was way crazier if he wore a dress.
482
00:23:20,405 --> 00:23:22,771
[audience laughs]
483
00:23:22,838 --> 00:23:26,505
Psycho. He dresses like his mom.
Stabs ladies in the shower.
484
00:23:26,571 --> 00:23:29,771
Silence of the Lambs.
It puts the lotion in the basket.
485
00:23:29,838 --> 00:23:31,138
[audience laughs]
486
00:23:31,205 --> 00:23:35,505
Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf was
dressed like a fucking lady.
487
00:23:35,571 --> 00:23:37,238
[audience cheering and applauding]
488
00:23:37,305 --> 00:23:38,505
I'm not prejudiced.
489
00:23:38,571 --> 00:23:40,038
I like to look at men in dresses
490
00:23:40,105 --> 00:23:42,938
like I look at everything else,
on an individual basis.
491
00:23:43,005 --> 00:23:47,405
Mrs. Doubtfire seems like a lovely
human, all right? I'm open-minded.
492
00:23:47,971 --> 00:23:49,771
I wanna know what happened.
493
00:23:50,871 --> 00:23:54,038
It's almost like a pervert wizard
waved a spell on the whole world.
494
00:23:54,105 --> 00:23:58,371
"With a wave of this wand, you can walk to
the women's locker room with a hard cock,
495
00:23:58,438 --> 00:24:01,471
and anybody who complains is a Nazi.
Abracadabra."
496
00:24:02,005 --> 00:24:03,638
And it just worked.
497
00:24:04,605 --> 00:24:08,071
And everyone just accepts
this new reality. It's fucking weird.
498
00:24:08,938 --> 00:24:10,238
I just think we need standards.
499
00:24:10,305 --> 00:24:13,105
You can't just put lipstick on
and shit in the women's room.
500
00:24:13,171 --> 00:24:16,438
We need some kind of standard.
501
00:24:16,505 --> 00:24:18,505
[audience cheering and applauding]
502
00:24:19,405 --> 00:24:20,338
[laughs]
503
00:24:20,405 --> 00:24:22,738
Oh, my God.
All of a sudden it's a hate rally.
504
00:24:25,205 --> 00:24:29,338
I was watching a Roe v. Wade protest
where there's a dude in a dress.
505
00:24:29,405 --> 00:24:31,405
It's a women's
reproductive rights protest,
506
00:24:31,471 --> 00:24:35,505
and there's a guy in a dress with a hairy
chest and a five o'clock shadow,
507
00:24:35,571 --> 00:24:40,605
and he's screaming in a cop's face,
"Keep your laws out of my pussy!"
508
00:24:40,671 --> 00:24:42,605
[audience laughs]
509
00:24:42,671 --> 00:24:45,671
And no one there was like,
"What the fuck?"
510
00:24:45,738 --> 00:24:46,571
[audience laughs]
511
00:24:46,638 --> 00:24:47,471
Everyone was like:
512
00:24:47,538 --> 00:24:49,605
[imitating woman]
"Yeah, stay out of her pussy!"
513
00:24:49,671 --> 00:24:52,405
[normal voice]
Oh, my God, we're in Narnia. What is this?
514
00:24:53,038 --> 00:24:56,271
That's a guy! First of all, that's
probably not even a trans person.
515
00:24:56,338 --> 00:24:57,871
That's probably a Republican.
516
00:24:57,938 --> 00:24:59,738
[audience laughs]
517
00:24:59,805 --> 00:25:05,371
That's probably an agent provocateur
sent in to discredit your organization
518
00:25:05,438 --> 00:25:07,338
with ridiculous behavior. Look.
519
00:25:07,405 --> 00:25:09,738
[audience cheers and applauds]
520
00:25:09,805 --> 00:25:14,071
Alex Jones taught me about this shit
20 years ago. Listen.
521
00:25:14,605 --> 00:25:18,171
Listen, he's right about a lot of-- He was
wrong about that one thing, though.
522
00:25:18,238 --> 00:25:21,638
But he's right--
The wrong thing was a big one.
523
00:25:21,705 --> 00:25:25,638
But he's right-- That one thing was huge.
But he's often correct.
524
00:25:26,238 --> 00:25:27,471
And I'm just saying.
525
00:25:29,338 --> 00:25:33,638
If you have a beard and a vagina,
you're a human escape room, okay? I…
526
00:25:34,471 --> 00:25:36,238
I don't have time for puzzles.
527
00:25:37,738 --> 00:25:40,138
I'm just trying to figure out
what the fuck is going on
528
00:25:40,205 --> 00:25:42,271
and how it got everywhere so quick.
529
00:25:42,338 --> 00:25:43,371
It's in prison.
530
00:25:43,838 --> 00:25:48,638
In California, there's 47 biological males
that are housed in women's prisons.
531
00:25:48,705 --> 00:25:51,305
A lot of them are sex offenders,
but that's not important.
532
00:25:51,805 --> 00:25:55,638
What's really important is gender.
533
00:25:56,671 --> 00:26:01,805
Wouldn't you think that out of all the
places that would be suspicious,
534
00:26:01,871 --> 00:26:03,505
that maybe you would be lying?
535
00:26:04,671 --> 00:26:06,538
[audience laughs]
536
00:26:06,605 --> 00:26:10,371
Fucking jail.
Wouldn't that be at the top of the list?
537
00:26:10,838 --> 00:26:12,238
Imagine a woman,
538
00:26:12,305 --> 00:26:15,671
"I'm gonna go to prison, but at least
I'm gonna be with other women."
539
00:26:15,738 --> 00:26:18,238
You see R. Kelly with a wig on.
You're like, "Fuck."
540
00:26:18,305 --> 00:26:20,938
[audience laughing and cheering]
541
00:26:21,005 --> 00:26:22,271
[groans]
542
00:26:22,338 --> 00:26:25,005
[audience whistling and applauding]
543
00:26:25,071 --> 00:26:26,905
I don't know what happened.
I think it's China.
544
00:26:26,971 --> 00:26:28,138
[audience laughs]
545
00:26:28,205 --> 00:26:31,671
I'm only half kidding.
I think they got us with TikTok.
546
00:26:31,738 --> 00:26:32,838
[audience laughs]
547
00:26:32,905 --> 00:26:35,271
I really do.
I think they're just really clever.
548
00:26:35,338 --> 00:26:38,638
They've been around for 4000--
America's the shit, but we're real young.
549
00:26:38,705 --> 00:26:41,638
We've been around 250 years.
Who knows if we're gonna make it.
550
00:26:41,705 --> 00:26:44,438
China's been here for 4000 years.
They've invented everything.
551
00:26:44,505 --> 00:26:50,405
They invented paper, alcohol, gunpowder,
rockets, noodles, Kung Fu, and TikTok.
552
00:26:50,471 --> 00:26:52,305
[audience laughs]
553
00:26:53,605 --> 00:26:55,805
Yeah, and Coronavirus. And I was--
554
00:26:55,871 --> 00:26:56,971
- [audience laughing]
- I was--
555
00:26:57,038 --> 00:26:58,438
Hey, don't be racist.
556
00:26:59,138 --> 00:27:03,605
China.
I loved it when Trump would say "China."
557
00:27:03,671 --> 00:27:05,938
[audience laughs]
558
00:27:06,005 --> 00:27:08,571
They also invent our phones.
The craziest thing.
559
00:27:08,638 --> 00:27:12,005
That's supposed to be our enemy,
and they make our phones.
560
00:27:12,071 --> 00:27:13,405
Do you know how dumb that is?
561
00:27:13,905 --> 00:27:17,271
We let the enemy make our phones.
We can't make a phone.
562
00:27:17,338 --> 00:27:22,505
There's 330 million Americans, plus
Mexicans, and no one can make a phone?
563
00:27:22,571 --> 00:27:23,505
[audience laughs]
564
00:27:23,571 --> 00:27:25,405
"What's the real number?"
"Who cares, are you racist?"
565
00:27:25,471 --> 00:27:27,738
"I'm not racist. Let them vote.
Give them money."
566
00:27:30,605 --> 00:27:33,105
What's going on?
I don't think we should have open borders.
567
00:27:33,171 --> 00:27:36,105
But maybe some of those folks
sneaking in can make a phone.
568
00:27:36,171 --> 00:27:37,105
[audience laughs]
569
00:27:37,171 --> 00:27:41,671
I mean, some of them have to be valuable.
These are ambitious people.
570
00:27:43,038 --> 00:27:45,371
If I lived in Guatemala,
I'd fucking walk here too.
571
00:27:45,438 --> 00:27:48,071
If you can get across the Rio Grande River
572
00:27:48,138 --> 00:27:50,738
with a balloon filled with fentanyl
stuffed in your ass…
573
00:27:50,805 --> 00:27:52,571
[audience laughs]
574
00:27:52,638 --> 00:27:56,138
…that's the type of dude
who can get shit done, okay?
575
00:27:56,605 --> 00:27:59,705
That guy will come through in a pinch,
okay?
576
00:28:00,205 --> 00:28:01,638
He's not gonna form a union.
577
00:28:01,705 --> 00:28:04,205
He doesn't even know what the fuck
"overtime" means.
578
00:28:04,271 --> 00:28:05,671
[audience laughs]
579
00:28:05,738 --> 00:28:09,538
I'll trade him for everybody who has
blue hair. "Fuck you, go back. Go there."
580
00:28:10,138 --> 00:28:11,805
Let's make America great again.
581
00:28:11,871 --> 00:28:13,038
- [audience cheering]
- [laughs]
582
00:28:14,805 --> 00:28:16,805
Oh, this is the silliest show ever.
I love it.
583
00:28:16,871 --> 00:28:19,638
Thanks for being here.
You guys are awesome. This is fun.
584
00:28:20,338 --> 00:28:22,905
[audience cheering and applauding]
585
00:28:23,371 --> 00:28:24,305
[clears throat]
586
00:28:25,438 --> 00:28:27,805
I really am worried about China.
I really am.
587
00:28:27,871 --> 00:28:29,571
- [woman shouting]
- What are you yelling out?
588
00:28:30,238 --> 00:28:31,905
Go ahead, yell. You're on TV.
589
00:28:31,971 --> 00:28:33,305
- What are you saying?
- [man 1] Hey!
590
00:28:33,371 --> 00:28:35,705
- [man 2] What about the Cobalt--
- Cobalt mine.
591
00:28:35,771 --> 00:28:38,605
Oh, congratulations, you know a thing.
This fucking idiot.
592
00:28:38,671 --> 00:28:41,305
[mockingly] What about
nuclear power plants?
593
00:28:41,371 --> 00:28:43,205
What about renewable energy?
594
00:28:43,271 --> 00:28:46,738
[normal voice] What a good time
to yell that on live TV, fucking dipshit.
595
00:28:46,805 --> 00:28:49,771
- [audience cheering and applauding]
- Imagine your whole life,
596
00:28:50,638 --> 00:28:54,938
"I'm gonna say something meaningful.
It's gonna make an impact. Cobalt mines."
597
00:28:55,005 --> 00:28:56,605
[audience laughs]
598
00:28:57,738 --> 00:28:59,605
China does that too. You're right.
599
00:28:59,671 --> 00:29:03,071
They buy our farmland
all around military bases.
600
00:29:03,138 --> 00:29:04,738
We're like, "Oh, it's okay."
601
00:29:04,805 --> 00:29:08,638
The craziest thing they've ever done. This
is the craziest thing they've ever done.
602
00:29:08,705 --> 00:29:10,705
There's a thing called The Bodies Exhibit.
603
00:29:10,771 --> 00:29:12,538
- Do you know what that is?
- [man whoops]
604
00:29:12,605 --> 00:29:14,371
How many of you have been
to The Bodies Exhibit?
605
00:29:14,438 --> 00:29:16,038
- [audience whoops]
- [laughs] Okay.
606
00:29:16,105 --> 00:29:20,138
If you haven't been,
The Bodies Exhibit is a science museum.
607
00:29:20,205 --> 00:29:22,805
It's a science museum exhibit
of dead human beings.
608
00:29:23,538 --> 00:29:26,205
They take dead people,
skin them, leave their dicks on,
609
00:29:26,271 --> 00:29:29,538
give them fake eyeballs and
have them posed like doing sports.
610
00:29:29,605 --> 00:29:34,405
They're throwing a javelin, playing poker.
It's the weirdest shit.
611
00:29:34,471 --> 00:29:37,905
But somehow or another,
it's okay, because it's in a museum.
612
00:29:39,171 --> 00:29:42,338
If that same scene was
in a serial killer's basement…
613
00:29:42,405 --> 00:29:44,338
[audience laughs]
614
00:29:44,405 --> 00:29:46,171
If a cop went into
a serial killer's basement
615
00:29:46,238 --> 00:29:48,505
and found dead people playing sports,
616
00:29:48,571 --> 00:29:52,205
it'd be the front page of every newspaper.
Like, what the fuck was that guy doing?
617
00:29:52,271 --> 00:29:53,205
Right?
618
00:29:53,271 --> 00:29:56,605
But it's at the museum. And you're like,
"The windows are big. It's cool."
619
00:29:56,671 --> 00:29:57,971
[audience laughs]
620
00:29:58,038 --> 00:30:00,538
I went three times. You should go too.
621
00:30:00,605 --> 00:30:02,205
You can't bring those people back.
622
00:30:03,205 --> 00:30:06,771
The last time we were there, we were
like, "Why does everybody look Asian?"
623
00:30:06,838 --> 00:30:09,405
And we were like,
"Where did they get these bodies?"
624
00:30:09,471 --> 00:30:12,371
So we Googled it. And you should too.
625
00:30:12,438 --> 00:30:16,971
'Cause the answer we got is,
"Chinese unclaimed bodies
626
00:30:17,038 --> 00:30:19,938
which may include political prisoners."
627
00:30:20,005 --> 00:30:21,705
[audience gasps]
628
00:30:21,771 --> 00:30:22,838
"May."
629
00:30:24,138 --> 00:30:26,805
When the fuck do you ever get to use
the word "may"…
630
00:30:26,871 --> 00:30:27,705
[audience laughs]
631
00:30:27,771 --> 00:30:30,705
…when people ask you where
you got the dead people. What the fuck?
632
00:30:30,771 --> 00:30:33,071
Now I'm in the rabbit hole.
You know how that goes.
633
00:30:33,605 --> 00:30:36,538
"What's a Chinese unclaimed body?"
We Google that.
634
00:30:36,605 --> 00:30:40,105
It's any body left unclaimed for 30 days.
635
00:30:40,171 --> 00:30:41,638
Now here's the problem.
636
00:30:41,705 --> 00:30:45,038
This process where they have to turn you
into a statue after you're dead,
637
00:30:45,105 --> 00:30:48,038
it has to take place
within 48 hours of death.
638
00:30:48,705 --> 00:30:49,571
[audience laughs]
639
00:30:49,638 --> 00:30:51,371
Thirty days, 48 hours.
640
00:30:51,438 --> 00:30:54,705
I'm fucking terrible at math,
but I can do that one.
641
00:30:54,771 --> 00:30:57,238
How did you guys not do this math?
642
00:30:57,838 --> 00:31:00,271
I'm in the museum, like,
"This is a fucking murder exhibit."
643
00:31:01,505 --> 00:31:04,238
And part of me is, like,
"This is terrible."
644
00:31:04,305 --> 00:31:06,971
And the other part of me is like,
"How gangster are the Chinese?"
645
00:31:07,038 --> 00:31:08,305
- This is--
- [audience laughs]
646
00:31:08,371 --> 00:31:12,805
That has gotta be the fucking
coolest way to get rid of somebody.
647
00:31:13,571 --> 00:31:16,471
Can you imagine
some Chinese diplomat comes home,
648
00:31:16,538 --> 00:31:19,438
and he catches the tennis instructor
in bed with his wife, like:
649
00:31:19,505 --> 00:31:22,438
[Asian voice] "Oh, so you enjoy tennis.
650
00:31:22,505 --> 00:31:24,505
[audience laughs]
651
00:31:25,138 --> 00:31:29,171
Well, now you can play tennis forever!"
652
00:31:29,771 --> 00:31:33,305
[normal voice] And he could just
go to the museum and visit this dude.
653
00:31:33,938 --> 00:31:34,905
Any time he wants.
654
00:31:34,971 --> 00:31:37,571
[Asian voice]
"Oh, Mr. Big Dick, how's your game?
655
00:31:37,638 --> 00:31:39,638
[audience laughs]
656
00:31:40,305 --> 00:31:43,705
You look a little sluggish.
I'll see you tomorrow. Ha-ha.
657
00:31:43,771 --> 00:31:44,805
[audience laughs]
658
00:31:44,871 --> 00:31:46,705
Ha-ha, motherfucker."
659
00:31:48,205 --> 00:31:50,305
[normal voice]
Everybody kills people in other countries,
660
00:31:50,371 --> 00:31:53,371
but they don't turn you into a statue.
That's wild shit.
661
00:31:53,438 --> 00:31:55,171
You know, they do it
to a lot of people there.
662
00:31:55,238 --> 00:31:57,771
You gotta mind your P's and Q's in China.
663
00:31:57,838 --> 00:31:59,971
You get disrespectful
in a business meeting,
664
00:32:00,038 --> 00:32:02,438
next thing you know,
you're on a bike at the museum.
665
00:32:03,071 --> 00:32:06,305
[Asian voice] "Oh, look, there's Harry
666
00:32:06,371 --> 00:32:10,071
with all his big criticisms
about our infrastructure.
667
00:32:10,138 --> 00:32:11,138
[audience laughs]
668
00:32:11,205 --> 00:32:13,105
Look at you now, Harry.
669
00:32:13,938 --> 00:32:18,805
Riding a bike like a fucking asshole
with your dick hanging out."
670
00:32:18,871 --> 00:32:20,871
[audience laughs]
671
00:32:22,038 --> 00:32:24,805
[normal voice] I just wanna say,
I admire what they've done.
672
00:32:25,838 --> 00:32:28,271
I'm not just saying that
so I hope they don't kill me.
673
00:32:28,338 --> 00:32:29,438
[audience laughs]
674
00:32:29,505 --> 00:32:33,338
I really hope they don't. But if they did,
it would be a funny way for me to die.
675
00:32:33,405 --> 00:32:36,271
If I went missing, then four months later
there's a short guy
676
00:32:36,338 --> 00:32:38,071
at the museum with a microphone.
677
00:32:38,138 --> 00:32:42,838
[Asian voice] "Oh, Mr. Funny Man,
where's your fucked-up accent now?
678
00:32:42,905 --> 00:32:44,338
[audience laughs]
679
00:32:44,405 --> 00:32:49,738
Go back to Fear Factor. Oh, you can't.
Ha-ha. Ha-ha, motherfucker."
680
00:32:49,805 --> 00:32:51,271
[audience laughs]
681
00:32:51,338 --> 00:32:53,538
[normal voice]
That would be a funny way for me to die.
682
00:32:55,238 --> 00:32:57,705
The funniest way for me to die
is if I die from Covid.
683
00:32:57,771 --> 00:32:59,771
[audience laughing]
684
00:33:01,005 --> 00:33:02,505
Don't think I didn't think it!
685
00:33:02,571 --> 00:33:05,538
When I got Covid, the first thought
I had was, "You better not die.
686
00:33:05,605 --> 00:33:10,338
I talked so much shit.
I talked so much shit."
687
00:33:11,105 --> 00:33:15,138
If I died from Covid,
the memes would never end.
688
00:33:15,205 --> 00:33:16,071
[audience laughs]
689
00:33:16,138 --> 00:33:19,471
It would be me with two X's for eyes
holding a can of horse paste.
690
00:33:19,538 --> 00:33:20,938
"Apparently, fear was a factor."
691
00:33:21,005 --> 00:33:22,805
[audience laughs]
692
00:33:22,871 --> 00:33:25,305
It would be funny. I would be laughing.
693
00:33:25,371 --> 00:33:29,538
I would be on my deathbed going,
[laughs] "Fuck. Oh, no. Oh, no.
694
00:33:29,605 --> 00:33:31,438
Why didn't you trust the science?"
695
00:33:32,138 --> 00:33:33,471
[audience laughs]
696
00:33:33,538 --> 00:33:34,371
[man] Whoo!
697
00:33:34,438 --> 00:33:35,871
Why didn't I trust the science?
698
00:33:36,471 --> 00:33:37,838
[audience applauds]
699
00:33:37,905 --> 00:33:39,105
Thank you.
700
00:33:39,171 --> 00:33:43,105
Nobody likes a science denier. By that,
I mean, dudes who believe in squirting.
701
00:33:43,638 --> 00:33:44,705
[audience laughs]
702
00:33:44,771 --> 00:33:47,471
Like, "Hey, man,
they've done the research. It's pee."
703
00:33:47,538 --> 00:33:50,971
"No, dude. I'm telling you, it's not pee."
"Dude, it's pee.
704
00:33:51,038 --> 00:33:54,638
What are the odds
that it's a mystery fluid
705
00:33:54,705 --> 00:33:58,471
that comes out of an undiscovered organ
and squirts out the pee hole?
706
00:33:58,538 --> 00:34:02,438
Like, hey, at least the Earth looks flat.
I can see how you get confused."
707
00:34:02,505 --> 00:34:03,571
[audience laughs]
708
00:34:03,638 --> 00:34:07,438
"It looks like pee, it smells like pee,
it's pee." "Dude, it's not pee."
709
00:34:07,505 --> 00:34:10,538
"I'm telling you, she's got a Stanley
filled with sweet tea,
710
00:34:10,605 --> 00:34:12,971
she drinks it all day
and she's fucking lazy.
711
00:34:13,704 --> 00:34:16,738
She doesn't wanna get up, she's peeing
on you, and you're a fucking idiot."
712
00:34:16,805 --> 00:34:18,805
[audience laughing and applauding]
713
00:34:20,071 --> 00:34:22,405
"You gotta believe the science.
714
00:34:22,471 --> 00:34:25,371
Trust us." I heard that
so often during the fucking pandemic.
715
00:34:26,071 --> 00:34:27,638
"Why don't you trust the science?"
716
00:34:28,138 --> 00:34:32,238
I got canceled so often during COVID that
sometimes I would find out by accident.
717
00:34:32,305 --> 00:34:33,938
[audience laughs]
718
00:34:34,005 --> 00:34:35,005
This is a true story.
719
00:34:35,071 --> 00:34:37,305
One time, I just woke up,
I'm in my underwear,
720
00:34:37,371 --> 00:34:40,671
I plopped down in front of the TV,
I turn it on. The moment I turn it on,
721
00:34:40,738 --> 00:34:43,571
Prince Harry's talking shit about me.
I'm like… [gasps]
722
00:34:44,571 --> 00:34:45,605
I just woke up.
723
00:34:46,605 --> 00:34:50,271
I'm vulnerable. I'm in my underwear,
and there's a prince on TV.
724
00:34:50,338 --> 00:34:54,071
Do you know how fucking weird it is
when a prince knows your name?
725
00:34:54,805 --> 00:34:57,038
He's like,
[British voice] "Joe Rogan's giving out
726
00:34:57,105 --> 00:34:58,938
dangerous vaccine misinformation."
727
00:34:59,005 --> 00:35:01,005
[audience laughs]
728
00:35:02,805 --> 00:35:04,705
And my first thought was, "Fuck, did I?
729
00:35:05,105 --> 00:35:07,638
[audience laughs]
730
00:35:08,438 --> 00:35:09,571
I might have."
731
00:35:09,638 --> 00:35:11,238
[audience laughs]
732
00:35:11,571 --> 00:35:13,405
But here's my take on that, sincerely.
733
00:35:14,005 --> 00:35:16,438
If you're getting your vaccine advice
from me…
734
00:35:18,571 --> 00:35:20,005
is that really my fault?
735
00:35:20,071 --> 00:35:22,471
- [audience laughs]
- Like, who are we protecting?
736
00:35:22,538 --> 00:35:26,638
Who's out there going, "You know that dude
who made people eat animal dicks on TV?"
737
00:35:28,171 --> 00:35:30,438
"How's he feel about medicine?" Like…
738
00:35:31,338 --> 00:35:34,138
That's not my job, kids.
I'm a professional shit talker, okay?
739
00:35:34,205 --> 00:35:36,838
Some of the things I say make sense,
a lot of them don't.
740
00:35:36,905 --> 00:35:39,738
It's up to you to figure out what's what.
That's the fun part.
741
00:35:41,271 --> 00:35:44,305
Problem is, people say, "People
listen to you and take your advice."
742
00:35:44,371 --> 00:35:46,938
Well, take this advice:
don't take my advice.
743
00:35:47,738 --> 00:35:50,771
It's the best advice.
Don't take my advice about 200 milligrams,
744
00:35:50,838 --> 00:35:52,971
and don't take my advice about Covid.
745
00:35:53,038 --> 00:35:55,171
[audience cheers]
746
00:35:55,238 --> 00:35:59,205
Because when my wife had Covid,
I fucked her twice.
747
00:36:00,171 --> 00:36:01,305
I wish I was lying.
748
00:36:02,805 --> 00:36:04,305
It was before any cure.
749
00:36:04,371 --> 00:36:07,805
I was following her from seven feet away,
like, "You don't look that sick."
750
00:36:07,871 --> 00:36:09,438
[audience laughs]
751
00:36:11,371 --> 00:36:13,905
This is a real conversation we had.
She said, "You are gonna catch it."
752
00:36:13,971 --> 00:36:15,538
I go, "No, I'm gonna hold my breath.
753
00:36:16,271 --> 00:36:20,705
I can hold my breath for four minutes,
let's fucking go! Let's fucking go."
754
00:36:23,038 --> 00:36:25,805
I know why people got upset, I got it all.
755
00:36:25,871 --> 00:36:27,505
And I'm not even mad at Harry.
756
00:36:27,571 --> 00:36:30,238
If I was him, I would have said
the same shit, I get it.
757
00:36:30,305 --> 00:36:32,405
If I met that dude,
I'd love to have a drink with him.
758
00:36:32,471 --> 00:36:34,838
I genuinely think
most people are good people.
759
00:36:34,905 --> 00:36:38,205
I think if you approach them with good
intentions, have a good conversation…
760
00:36:38,271 --> 00:36:40,671
If I met that dude,
I'd be like, "I'm not mad at you.
761
00:36:40,738 --> 00:36:44,538
In fact, I think if I lived your life,
I would be you,
762
00:36:44,605 --> 00:36:46,871
and I think if you lived my life,
you would be me.
763
00:36:46,938 --> 00:36:49,971
I think we're all one.
Let's have a drink, relax.
764
00:36:50,038 --> 00:36:53,438
Have cocktails, have a good time."
Like most of us, right?
765
00:36:53,505 --> 00:36:55,071
[audience cheering]
766
00:36:56,805 --> 00:37:01,038
And the goal… The goal would be
to get him about three drinks deep.
767
00:37:03,638 --> 00:37:06,838
And then go, "Hey, man,
you ever do mushrooms?"
768
00:37:06,905 --> 00:37:08,705
[audience laughs]
769
00:37:11,305 --> 00:37:13,405
[British voice]
"I heard they give you brain damage."
770
00:37:13,471 --> 00:37:15,571
[normal voice]
"No, that's government propaganda.
771
00:37:15,638 --> 00:37:19,505
Listen… whatever you eat,
I'll eat double. Come on.
772
00:37:20,171 --> 00:37:21,738
Let's go meet the aliens."
773
00:37:22,971 --> 00:37:25,771
Could you imagine doing mushrooms
with Prince Harry?
774
00:37:25,838 --> 00:37:28,905
Imagine if you could trick that guy
into doing mushrooms with you?
775
00:37:28,971 --> 00:37:33,571
If you see him chew it and swallow it,
you're like, "Oh, it's gonna happen."
776
00:37:35,371 --> 00:37:39,371
There's a moment when you do mushrooms,
like 20 minutes after you swallow it…
777
00:37:40,105 --> 00:37:42,305
where you know
you can't throw it up anymore.
778
00:37:42,371 --> 00:37:43,305
[audience laughs]
779
00:37:43,371 --> 00:37:47,038
You know that moment? You're like,
"Oh no, it's gonna happen."
780
00:37:47,105 --> 00:37:48,705
Can you imagine that moment?
781
00:37:48,771 --> 00:37:50,638
You're sitting criss-cross applesauce,
782
00:37:50,705 --> 00:37:53,838
just staring eye to eye
with the prince, waiting.
783
00:37:53,905 --> 00:37:55,771
[audience cheering]
784
00:37:58,305 --> 00:38:00,038
And here's the thing about mushrooms.
785
00:38:00,105 --> 00:38:02,438
Mushrooms take about 40 minutes
to kick in…
786
00:38:03,305 --> 00:38:06,271
but about 35 minutes in,
you hear them coming.
787
00:38:06,338 --> 00:38:08,471
- [audience laughs]
- Right? Yeah.
788
00:38:08,971 --> 00:38:11,105
You hear footsteps in the distance like…
789
00:38:11,171 --> 00:38:13,071
[imitating slow footsteps]
790
00:38:19,938 --> 00:38:21,205
[takes a deep breath]
791
00:38:21,271 --> 00:38:24,438
[loud, droning hum]
792
00:38:24,505 --> 00:38:26,505
[audience cheering and applauding]
793
00:38:33,905 --> 00:38:36,671
And while Prince Harry's tripping balls…
794
00:38:37,471 --> 00:38:40,971
I'm gonna hover over him and go,
"Are you sure vaccines are safe?
795
00:38:41,038 --> 00:38:42,605
[audience laughs]
796
00:38:43,905 --> 00:38:45,705
Bitch, you're not a scientist."
797
00:38:53,238 --> 00:38:55,938
It was a weird time for me, Covid.
I got in so much trouble.
798
00:38:56,005 --> 00:38:59,938
One thing they would do that was sneaky,
is that whenever people were mad at me,
799
00:39:00,005 --> 00:39:03,571
they would take things that I've
said drunk, high as fuck…
800
00:39:04,605 --> 00:39:09,471
and they would just put it in quotes.
Like it's a well thought-out statement.
801
00:39:10,171 --> 00:39:12,438
As if I'm standing in front of a judge,
going:
802
00:39:12,505 --> 00:39:15,738
"Your Honor, I believe that lesbians
lack the proper lower-back muscles
803
00:39:15,805 --> 00:39:17,038
to fuck a woman correctly."
804
00:39:17,105 --> 00:39:18,771
[audience laughs]
805
00:39:22,238 --> 00:39:27,371
That was a real quote in an article
about what a piece of shit I am.
806
00:39:27,438 --> 00:39:29,171
[audience laughs]
807
00:39:33,038 --> 00:39:35,938
And I read it, and I was like,
"First of all, it's true."
808
00:39:36,005 --> 00:39:37,338
[audience laughs]
809
00:39:37,405 --> 00:39:39,205
I wish it wasn't. I wish it wasn't.
810
00:39:39,705 --> 00:39:42,738
But also, you can't just put
that by itself.
811
00:39:42,805 --> 00:39:46,638
Because I didn't say it by itself.
I wouldn't just declare that.
812
00:39:46,705 --> 00:39:49,905
Like what a rude, shitty thing to say
for no reason.
813
00:39:49,971 --> 00:39:53,838
I only said that as part of a conversation
that I didn't wanna have.
814
00:39:53,905 --> 00:39:56,905
Ever have one of those? You're talking
and somebody interrupts.
815
00:39:56,971 --> 00:40:00,805
I was at a bar with a friend in New York,
we were drinking, having a good time,
816
00:40:00,871 --> 00:40:03,771
and there was this particularly
aggressive lesbian lady at the bar,
817
00:40:03,838 --> 00:40:05,905
Which genuinely, I'm a fan of.
818
00:40:05,971 --> 00:40:10,338
I like wild people. She looked like
Tom Arnold, had a Patagonia vest on.
819
00:40:10,405 --> 00:40:12,138
- You know the type.
- [audience laughs]
820
00:40:12,205 --> 00:40:14,871
She was doing shots with her girlfriend.
They were talking shit.
821
00:40:14,938 --> 00:40:16,138
[imitating woman] "Fuck, yeah, bitch!"
822
00:40:16,205 --> 00:40:20,338
[normal voice] Doing shots and kissing.
Atmosphere! Fun! Yay! It was fun.
823
00:40:20,405 --> 00:40:23,405
But then she kept talking to us.
Me and my friend are talking.
824
00:40:23,471 --> 00:40:27,371
She goes, "Sorry, boys,
she only likes girls.
825
00:40:27,438 --> 00:40:29,771
And I got my own dick!"
826
00:40:32,138 --> 00:40:34,538
And I'm like, well, now we're
in a conversation.
827
00:40:34,605 --> 00:40:36,538
- [audience laughs]
- Right?
828
00:40:37,571 --> 00:40:38,905
So I go, "Where is it?"
829
00:40:40,971 --> 00:40:43,105
And she said, "It's a strap-on."
830
00:40:43,671 --> 00:40:46,305
And I said, "Having a strap-on
and thinking it's a dick
831
00:40:46,371 --> 00:40:49,171
is like having a lighter
and thinking you're a dragon."
832
00:40:49,238 --> 00:40:51,371
[audience laughs and cheers]
833
00:40:54,405 --> 00:40:57,571
"Plus, everyone knows that lesbians
834
00:40:57,638 --> 00:41:00,405
lack the proper lower-back muscles
to fuck a woman correctly."
835
00:41:00,471 --> 00:41:02,571
That's the only time
I would ever say that.
836
00:41:03,471 --> 00:41:06,838
It would have to be those words
in that order,
837
00:41:07,438 --> 00:41:11,205
and I feel like if they put all that
in that article,
838
00:41:11,271 --> 00:41:13,338
people would read it and go,
"I see his point.
839
00:41:13,405 --> 00:41:14,571
[audience laughs]
840
00:41:14,638 --> 00:41:18,571
Yeah. They were just talking shit
and she got out of pocket.
841
00:41:18,638 --> 00:41:19,671
That's all it is."
842
00:41:21,938 --> 00:41:27,438
Instead, they try to use that quote
as proof that I'm homophobic.
843
00:41:28,738 --> 00:41:33,705
And I'm like, oh my God,
there is so much better proof.
844
00:41:34,438 --> 00:41:37,471
You guys are lazy.
Like, that's all you dug up?
845
00:41:37,538 --> 00:41:40,871
First of all, it's not true.
But if you wanna take me out of context,
846
00:41:40,938 --> 00:41:43,838
- I give you a lot to work with, you know?
- [audience laughs]
847
00:41:44,905 --> 00:41:48,071
For the record, I'm not even
remotely homophobic. I'm the opposite.
848
00:41:48,138 --> 00:41:50,905
I wish I was gay. It looks way easier.
849
00:41:51,705 --> 00:41:54,638
You're hanging out with only guys?
No one can get pregnant?
850
00:41:54,705 --> 00:41:58,238
No more lies? I wish!
851
00:41:59,371 --> 00:42:01,671
And if I was gay,
I get to use that F-word again.
852
00:42:01,738 --> 00:42:03,338
Oh, how I miss it so.
853
00:42:04,171 --> 00:42:07,605
- [audience laughs and cheers]
- Oh, how I miss it so!
854
00:42:09,205 --> 00:42:12,638
Tony Hinchcliffe can still say it,
but you know why.
855
00:42:12,705 --> 00:42:14,438
[audience groans]
856
00:42:14,505 --> 00:42:17,071
I used to throw that word around
like a beach ball at a concert.
857
00:42:17,138 --> 00:42:19,871
Just, "Whee!" It was a fun word.
858
00:42:20,905 --> 00:42:24,505
Made conversations more festive.
It was fun.
859
00:42:24,571 --> 00:42:28,138
And rarely did it have anything to do
with gay men.
860
00:42:28,905 --> 00:42:32,871
But they took it just like they took
the fucking rainbow, all right?
861
00:42:32,938 --> 00:42:36,138
- [audience cheers]
- Because they're men, and they're greedy.
862
00:42:37,271 --> 00:42:39,438
They'll tell you,
"You shouldn't wanna say that word.
863
00:42:39,505 --> 00:42:41,938
You say that word,
you're a homophobic piece of shit."
864
00:42:43,771 --> 00:42:46,505
Or you're calling your friend to wish him
a happy birthday.
865
00:42:46,571 --> 00:42:48,438
[audience laughs]
866
00:42:49,238 --> 00:42:52,805
What about the fun way?
There's no gay people on this phone call
867
00:42:52,871 --> 00:42:56,171
unless the government's gay,
because you know they listen.
868
00:42:59,605 --> 00:43:02,038
There's only one problem with that word,
869
00:43:02,105 --> 00:43:05,338
and that problem is that there are people
in the world,
870
00:43:05,405 --> 00:43:07,805
although there's less than
there's ever been, thankfully,
871
00:43:07,871 --> 00:43:10,805
there are people in the world
that hate gay men.
872
00:43:11,571 --> 00:43:15,071
But nobody hates gay women,
and that's why you can say dyke.
873
00:43:15,505 --> 00:43:17,338
[audience laughs]
874
00:43:17,405 --> 00:43:21,905
You can say dyke at work, they're like,
"I'll look out for her." Nobody cares.
875
00:43:21,971 --> 00:43:23,505
Nobody even fake gets mad.
876
00:43:25,205 --> 00:43:27,138
Nobody hates gay women.
877
00:43:27,205 --> 00:43:30,305
In fact,
men don't even think they're real.
878
00:43:30,371 --> 00:43:32,105
[audience laughs]
879
00:43:36,238 --> 00:43:37,771
Women believe in gay men.
880
00:43:38,805 --> 00:43:41,605
If a woman sees two hot guys kiss,
she's like, "They're gay."
881
00:43:42,405 --> 00:43:45,938
A guy sees two women kiss,
he's like, "Pfft. They think they're gay.
882
00:43:46,005 --> 00:43:50,305
But that's just 'cause they ain't
got a piece of this sweet dick, kid!"
883
00:43:50,371 --> 00:43:51,771
[audience laughs]
884
00:43:51,838 --> 00:43:54,405
Every man that has ever lived…
885
00:43:55,305 --> 00:43:58,005
you give him three drinks,
he thinks he can fix a lesbian.
886
00:43:58,071 --> 00:44:00,271
Like, "Dude, I'm the one,
I'm fucking Highlander.
887
00:44:00,338 --> 00:44:02,605
I got the tools. I can fix her."
888
00:44:04,738 --> 00:44:09,738
And also, for whatever reason, men don't
seem to care if girls have done gay stuff.
889
00:44:10,705 --> 00:44:14,871
Again, I'm just a journalist,
and I report what I see in the field…
890
00:44:14,938 --> 00:44:18,305
and I've noticed if you're talking to men,
and they're being honest…
891
00:44:18,371 --> 00:44:20,305
Gentlemen in this room,
I want you to imagine,
892
00:44:20,371 --> 00:44:22,505
you're on a date with a woman
and she's the one.
893
00:44:22,571 --> 00:44:26,338
If you get lucky, you will find the one.
But sometimes you're not with the one,
894
00:44:26,405 --> 00:44:29,971
it doesn't seem like it's gonna happen.
One bad relationship after another,
895
00:44:30,038 --> 00:44:33,071
you're so frustrated, am I ever gonna
find someone I fucking love?
896
00:44:33,138 --> 00:44:35,805
And then finally, you're on a date
with the perfect person.
897
00:44:35,871 --> 00:44:38,905
She's so fucking cool,
you're drinking margaritas,
898
00:44:38,971 --> 00:44:41,905
you're imagining having a family together.
And she's like:
899
00:44:41,971 --> 00:44:44,538
[imitating woman]
"In the interest of full disclosure…
900
00:44:45,805 --> 00:44:48,638
I just want you to know that
for the last 10 years
901
00:44:48,705 --> 00:44:51,305
- I was in a relationship with a woman."
- [man whoops]
902
00:44:51,371 --> 00:44:54,138
[normal voice]
And you're like, "Low miles, whoo!"
903
00:44:54,205 --> 00:44:55,371
[audience laughs]
904
00:44:55,438 --> 00:44:58,438
You call your friends up,
"Dude, it's like a barn find!
905
00:44:59,738 --> 00:45:03,338
Yeah, it's like a '69 Mustang
that was under a tarp.
906
00:45:03,405 --> 00:45:05,571
[audience laughs]
907
00:45:05,638 --> 00:45:07,505
A lady had it.
908
00:45:09,271 --> 00:45:11,671
Yeah, she took it out every couple days
and licked it.
909
00:45:11,738 --> 00:45:16,905
Look at all the rubber on those tires.
Look at the suspension."
910
00:45:19,838 --> 00:45:21,071
[laughs]
911
00:45:23,605 --> 00:45:27,138
I don't know why men think that way,
but I know some women get very angry.
912
00:45:28,105 --> 00:45:31,105
This lady waited for me after a show
to lecture me.
913
00:45:31,171 --> 00:45:32,638
She waited for me, she's like:
914
00:45:32,705 --> 00:45:35,605
[imitating woman] "You don't care
if the woman does gay things
915
00:45:35,671 --> 00:45:38,305
if you don't care about the woman."
916
00:45:38,371 --> 00:45:41,605
I'm like, "Okay, Socrates." Like, what?
917
00:45:41,671 --> 00:45:45,305
Why don't you write that shit down on
rocks so people in the future can read it,
918
00:45:45,371 --> 00:45:46,571
you fucking imbecile.
919
00:45:46,638 --> 00:45:50,005
I hate dumb people that are confident,
you know?
920
00:45:51,838 --> 00:45:55,538
Also wrong. I hate dumb people
that are wrong and confident.
921
00:45:55,605 --> 00:45:56,638
Because she's wrong.
922
00:45:56,705 --> 00:46:00,238
Like, I love my wife more than
anyone I've ever met in my life.
923
00:46:00,305 --> 00:46:01,905
She is my favorite person.
924
00:46:01,971 --> 00:46:03,771
- [audience cheers]
- Thank you.
925
00:46:06,238 --> 00:46:08,171
- But…
- [audience laughs]
926
00:46:08,238 --> 00:46:12,071
If I came home tonight and was like, "Hey,
baby, how was your night?" She's like:
927
00:46:12,638 --> 00:46:16,305
[imitating woman] "Fucking Melissa
tricked me into licking her pussy."
928
00:46:16,371 --> 00:46:18,105
[audience laughs]
929
00:46:23,571 --> 00:46:27,838
[normal voice]
I'd be like, "Well…don't do that a lot."
930
00:46:27,905 --> 00:46:30,005
[audience laughs]
931
00:46:30,071 --> 00:46:32,905
I'll be walking that fine line
between creepy and supportive.
932
00:46:32,971 --> 00:46:36,638
Like, "If that happens again, make sure
I'm there in case that bitch goes crazy."
933
00:46:36,705 --> 00:46:38,371
[audience laughs]
934
00:46:40,338 --> 00:46:41,171
[laughs]
935
00:46:42,738 --> 00:46:46,238
No women think that way. Zero.
No women think that way.
936
00:46:46,305 --> 00:46:49,405
People say there's no difference between
men and women, it's just cultural.
937
00:46:49,471 --> 00:46:50,371
[grunts]
938
00:46:51,271 --> 00:46:55,571
That seems like… No women think that way.
I don't care how open-minded you are.
939
00:46:55,638 --> 00:46:59,771
I don't care how progressive you are.
If you're a heterosexual married woman…
940
00:46:59,838 --> 00:47:03,171
[imitating woman]
and you're at home just reading a book…
941
00:47:03,238 --> 00:47:07,005
waiting for my man…
[normal voice] And he comes to the door:
942
00:47:07,071 --> 00:47:09,905
"You are not gonna fucking believe
what happened.
943
00:47:09,971 --> 00:47:11,471
[audience laughs]
944
00:47:19,938 --> 00:47:21,471
[exhales deeply]
945
00:47:22,505 --> 00:47:23,971
[imitating woman] "What? What happened?"
946
00:47:24,038 --> 00:47:26,771
[normal voice] "Mike tricked me
into sucking his dick again."
947
00:47:26,838 --> 00:47:29,038
[audience laughs]
948
00:47:29,105 --> 00:47:31,505
[imitating woman]
"How does this keep happening?"
949
00:47:31,571 --> 00:47:33,805
[normal voice] "I don't know, it's crazy."
950
00:47:33,871 --> 00:47:36,705
[imitating woman]
"Okay, what is going on, are you gay?"
951
00:47:36,771 --> 00:47:40,305
[normal voice]
"No. Mike is just really tricky."
952
00:47:40,371 --> 00:47:42,438
[audience laughs]
953
00:47:43,905 --> 00:47:45,871
They're gonna say
that's a homophobic joke.
954
00:47:45,938 --> 00:47:48,438
And I'm gonna say how?
Because the gay guy wins.
955
00:47:48,505 --> 00:47:50,571
That dumb straight guy
keeps sucking his dick.
956
00:47:50,638 --> 00:47:52,138
That's a W for the gays.
957
00:47:54,105 --> 00:47:56,405
They wanna tell you you can't
make jokes about them.
958
00:47:56,471 --> 00:47:59,471
If you want equal love,
you have to have equal jokes.
959
00:47:59,538 --> 00:48:02,105
Because that's how we find out
if you're annoying.
960
00:48:02,171 --> 00:48:03,838
- [audience cheers]
- Yeah.
961
00:48:03,905 --> 00:48:08,971
If we can't joke around about you,
we know you take yourself too seriously.
962
00:48:09,038 --> 00:48:11,471
They're trying to say they're hateful,
it's hateful.
963
00:48:11,538 --> 00:48:16,438
Listen, I don't hate anybody. I love
everyone. And I love gay men.
964
00:48:17,305 --> 00:48:20,438
But I think about gay men the same way
I think about mountain lions.
965
00:48:22,205 --> 00:48:25,171
I'm happy they're real, but I don't
wanna be surrounded by them.
966
00:48:25,238 --> 00:48:26,438
[audience laughs]
967
00:48:26,505 --> 00:48:30,071
They're dudes who fuck dudes.
I don't like my chances, okay?
968
00:48:30,138 --> 00:48:34,371
They're not unicorns,
they're just men who fuck men.
969
00:48:34,438 --> 00:48:39,205
And every man who's ever lived
is a shifty cum salesman, okay?
970
00:48:39,271 --> 00:48:42,805
All of them, 100%.
Especially the ones who say they're not.
971
00:48:42,871 --> 00:48:46,905
Every man who's ever lived is a foreman
of a small, 24-hour sperm factory
972
00:48:46,971 --> 00:48:49,438
with a shaky agreement with the union.
973
00:48:49,505 --> 00:48:51,571
You got one warehouse, that's your balls.
974
00:48:51,638 --> 00:48:55,138
One delivery truck, that's your dick, and
packages are constantly stacking up.
975
00:48:55,205 --> 00:48:58,005
And you're like, "Hey, we gotta get
this product out of here!"
976
00:48:58,071 --> 00:49:00,271
[audience laughs]
977
00:49:00,338 --> 00:49:02,905
And if your product sucks,
you become a male feminist.
978
00:49:02,971 --> 00:49:04,071
And these are the facts.
979
00:49:04,138 --> 00:49:07,505
- [audience cheers]
- That's what it is.
980
00:49:07,571 --> 00:49:12,038
And some of these guys are trying
to get rid of gay jizz. It's normal.
981
00:49:12,105 --> 00:49:13,405
[man cheers]
982
00:49:13,471 --> 00:49:17,238
They just got the gay gene. I love them.
I love everybody.
983
00:49:17,305 --> 00:49:19,038
You can't control your genes.
984
00:49:19,105 --> 00:49:22,038
Obviously, it's a gene thing.
You know, we can't--
985
00:49:22,105 --> 00:49:24,438
Like, you ever done a gene test?
I did one of those.
986
00:49:24,505 --> 00:49:28,071
I found out I'm 57% more
Neanderthal than regular people.
987
00:49:28,505 --> 00:49:30,338
[audience laughs]
988
00:49:30,405 --> 00:49:31,871
Yeah, I'm fucking handicapped.
989
00:49:32,905 --> 00:49:36,771
Yeah, Europeans killed my people too,
where the fuck's my casino? Huh?
990
00:49:36,838 --> 00:49:39,471
- [audience laughs]
- I want my cave back!
991
00:49:41,005 --> 00:49:44,371
That was a big number. I showed my wife.
"I told you this wasn't regular stupid."
992
00:49:44,438 --> 00:49:46,471
[audience laughs]
993
00:49:46,538 --> 00:49:48,438
But she had a really good point. She goes:
994
00:49:48,505 --> 00:49:50,638
"But all people came from cave people,
right?"
995
00:49:51,338 --> 00:49:54,971
Which is a fucked-up thing to think,
that everyone in this room is here
996
00:49:55,038 --> 00:50:00,438
because somewhere in our ancestry, someone
had sex before they figured out doors.
997
00:50:01,705 --> 00:50:03,571
That was a long time!
998
00:50:03,638 --> 00:50:06,638
Thousands and thousands of years,
no doors.
999
00:50:06,705 --> 00:50:09,971
Just wild monkey people
trying to run away from cats.
1000
00:50:10,771 --> 00:50:13,838
This thing we're doing right now,
this is so recent.
1001
00:50:13,905 --> 00:50:17,071
Civilized society where a bunch of
cool people can hang out together,
1002
00:50:17,138 --> 00:50:20,138
we don't know each other,
have a wonderful time, drink cocktails.
1003
00:50:20,205 --> 00:50:24,205
- This is so recent.
- [audience cheers]
1004
00:50:24,271 --> 00:50:26,905
But there's such a thin veneer
on this society.
1005
00:50:26,971 --> 00:50:30,138
That's why you have those thoughts.
You know those thoughts?
1006
00:50:30,205 --> 00:50:33,071
"I can't believe I'm thinking that,
I would never do that."
1007
00:50:33,138 --> 00:50:35,338
How about this?
I know you have this thought.
1008
00:50:35,405 --> 00:50:36,905
When you're in your car
1009
00:50:36,971 --> 00:50:40,571
and the light turns green
but the scooters keep coming?
1010
00:50:40,638 --> 00:50:42,338
[audience laughs]
1011
00:50:42,405 --> 00:50:45,605
And you just wanna go to jail!
1012
00:50:45,671 --> 00:50:48,238
I wanna see masks fly off, and backpacks.
1013
00:50:48,305 --> 00:50:51,205
"Fuck you for feeling safe!"
You know those thoughts?
1014
00:50:51,905 --> 00:50:54,005
You don't do it,
but you know those thoughts?
1015
00:50:54,071 --> 00:50:56,438
How about this?
You ever be in line at Starbucks,
1016
00:50:56,505 --> 00:51:00,238
and there's a cop in front of you,
and he's not paying attention?
1017
00:51:00,838 --> 00:51:02,438
[audience laughs]
1018
00:51:03,271 --> 00:51:05,971
And you're like,
"I think I can take his gun.
1019
00:51:06,038 --> 00:51:09,238
I'm gonna hit him now
and John Wick the fuck out of this room."
1020
00:51:09,305 --> 00:51:12,271
You don't do it, but you think it.
1021
00:51:12,338 --> 00:51:15,738
That's why we need
homeowners associations, IRS payments,
1022
00:51:15,805 --> 00:51:17,838
student loans, credit card debt.
1023
00:51:17,905 --> 00:51:19,871
We gotta be distracted.
1024
00:51:19,938 --> 00:51:22,605
We can't keep society going
with those thoughts.
1025
00:51:23,338 --> 00:51:26,438
I have my most fucked-up thoughts
talking to really smart people.
1026
00:51:26,505 --> 00:51:29,771
Because I can't keep up,
so I just start thinking my own things.
1027
00:51:29,838 --> 00:51:31,071
[audience laughs]
1028
00:51:31,138 --> 00:51:36,705
"I bet they're not thinking this."
Because, like, I'm friends with Elon Musk,
1029
00:51:36,771 --> 00:51:39,871
which is the intellectual equivalent
of a boy and his dog.
1030
00:51:39,938 --> 00:51:42,938
[audience cheers and applauds]
1031
00:51:43,005 --> 00:51:44,905
He's so much smarter.
You know when you're around your dog,
1032
00:51:44,971 --> 00:51:47,605
he's like, "You're different.
tell me what to do." That's me.
1033
00:51:48,671 --> 00:51:51,071
I'm like, "When they land,
you'll tell them I'm cool?"
1034
00:51:51,138 --> 00:51:52,605
[Rogan and audience laugh]
1035
00:51:52,671 --> 00:51:56,005
I was having a conversation with that guy
where he was explaining to me
1036
00:51:56,071 --> 00:52:00,838
how this rocket ship his company designed
is gonna move civilization to Mars
1037
00:52:00,905 --> 00:52:03,838
and about how we have to become
a multiplanetary species
1038
00:52:03,905 --> 00:52:08,405
to survive natural disasters, and it's
a six-month journey in this rocket.
1039
00:52:08,471 --> 00:52:12,238
He's telling me all the calculations,
and halfway through him explaining this,
1040
00:52:12,305 --> 00:52:13,771
I stop paying attention.
1041
00:52:14,671 --> 00:52:17,005
And while he's talking, all I'm imagining…
1042
00:52:17,071 --> 00:52:20,805
I'm imagining four dudes strapped
into a rocket, on their way to Mars.
1043
00:52:20,871 --> 00:52:21,905
[imitates rocket]
1044
00:52:21,971 --> 00:52:26,205
One guy pulls out a gun. Boom!
Shoots that guy. Bang! Shoots that guy.
1045
00:52:26,271 --> 00:52:29,438
Boom! Blows his own brains out.
Leaves one guy alive going:
1046
00:52:29,505 --> 00:52:31,871
[screams]
1047
00:52:31,938 --> 00:52:36,938
Flying all the way to Mars,
strapped in next to three dead dudes.
1048
00:52:40,371 --> 00:52:44,371
I don't know why I was thinking that.
I wish I was paying attention.
1049
00:52:45,638 --> 00:52:49,271
I'm talking to the smartest guy alive,
and I'm thinking, "Should I tell him?
1050
00:52:49,338 --> 00:52:50,605
[audience laughs]
1051
00:52:50,671 --> 00:52:52,805
I should probably tell him my idea.
1052
00:52:54,338 --> 00:52:56,738
He doesn't know
you can get a gun up your ass."
1053
00:52:56,805 --> 00:52:59,438
I had a whole backstory. That guy
had an affair with that guy's wife
1054
00:52:59,505 --> 00:53:01,005
and tricked him to go to Mars.
1055
00:53:03,371 --> 00:53:06,305
Yeah, he's not--
Elon's not thinking these things.
1056
00:53:06,371 --> 00:53:09,938
He's… If evolution's real,
that guy's ahead of us.
1057
00:53:11,238 --> 00:53:13,971
I don't know if evolution's real.
I've done zero research.
1058
00:53:14,771 --> 00:53:18,005
I always say I think it's real,
because if you don't, people are mean.
1059
00:53:19,005 --> 00:53:20,438
But it's a terrible story.
1060
00:53:20,505 --> 00:53:23,605
Like, if a moron told you
the story of evolution,
1061
00:53:23,671 --> 00:53:25,571
you'd be like, "What happened?"
1062
00:53:25,638 --> 00:53:28,705
"Once upon a time,
giant lizards ruled the Earth,
1063
00:53:28,771 --> 00:53:31,505
then a rock came from the sky
and killed them.
1064
00:53:31,571 --> 00:53:34,271
Then a little shrew
just kept doing its best.
1065
00:53:34,871 --> 00:53:36,538
And one day it became a person."
1066
00:53:37,071 --> 00:53:38,838
[audience laughs]
1067
00:53:38,905 --> 00:53:42,438
I thought, "Yeah, fuck that story,
I'm sticking with Jesus."
1068
00:53:42,505 --> 00:53:46,505
- [audience cheers]
- That story sucks a fat dick, son.
1069
00:53:47,171 --> 00:53:50,971
Because even if you're right,
you have no incentive.
1070
00:53:51,038 --> 00:53:54,171
If we all go to darkness,
I think I'm going to heaven.
1071
00:53:54,238 --> 00:53:55,638
I sleep like a baby.
1072
00:53:55,705 --> 00:53:59,805
You're on anti-depressants
and anti-anxiety medication.
1073
00:53:59,871 --> 00:54:03,705
You're a fucking idiot for not believing
in dumb shit. You sleep better.
1074
00:54:05,471 --> 00:54:07,005
Look, I believe in evolution.
1075
00:54:07,071 --> 00:54:11,505
I just don't think all the monkeys crossed
the finish line at the exact same time.
1076
00:54:11,571 --> 00:54:13,038
[audience laughs]
1077
00:54:13,105 --> 00:54:16,838
I have a feeling
there's probably some trial and error.
1078
00:54:17,471 --> 00:54:20,638
You know? And I have a feeling
somewhere in my ancestry,
1079
00:54:20,705 --> 00:54:25,505
someone was like,
"Fuck it. One more time with a monkey."
1080
00:54:25,571 --> 00:54:26,938
[audience laughs]
1081
00:54:27,005 --> 00:54:29,971
Probably late in the game too,
like at the buzzer.
1082
00:54:32,405 --> 00:54:35,471
If you know,
evolution probably took a long-ass time.
1083
00:54:35,538 --> 00:54:37,638
Not like one day we woke up
and we were people.
1084
00:54:37,705 --> 00:54:40,171
It was thousands of years,
a lot of gray area.
1085
00:54:40,238 --> 00:54:43,671
And if you know human men,
there had to be a moment in history
1086
00:54:43,738 --> 00:54:46,171
where a group of guys had to
pull their buddy aside and go:
1087
00:54:46,238 --> 00:54:48,638
"Hey, man,
you gotta stop fucking monkeys."
1088
00:54:48,705 --> 00:54:50,405
[audience laughs]
1089
00:54:52,705 --> 00:54:54,038
"Dude, she's cool."
1090
00:54:54,105 --> 00:54:55,905
[audience laughs]
1091
00:54:55,971 --> 00:54:58,705
"She does sign language."
Like, "Sign language?"
1092
00:54:59,605 --> 00:55:01,371
You look over,
the monkey's going like this:
1093
00:55:02,138 --> 00:55:05,205
[audience laughs]
1094
00:55:07,405 --> 00:55:10,671
"Man, I don't think that counts.
I don't think that's real sign language."
1095
00:55:10,738 --> 00:55:12,005
[laughs]
1096
00:55:13,438 --> 00:55:14,371
[sighs]
1097
00:55:14,905 --> 00:55:17,271
- [men hollering]
- Genes are so weird--
1098
00:55:17,338 --> 00:55:20,038
Thank you. Genes are weird
because people are proud of them,
1099
00:55:20,105 --> 00:55:22,838
but didn't do shit to earn them.
But we're all guilty of it.
1100
00:55:22,905 --> 00:55:26,005
If you do a DNA test and find out
you got some cool stuff in there.
1101
00:55:26,071 --> 00:55:30,071
Like, I found out
I have 1.6% African in my DNA.
1102
00:55:31,338 --> 00:55:34,871
- [audience cheers]
- Thank you! It's all dick!
1103
00:55:36,705 --> 00:55:39,305
It's not a big number.
That's not my point.
1104
00:55:39,371 --> 00:55:43,438
Here's my point.
1.6% is not a lot of African.
1105
00:55:43,505 --> 00:55:46,505
I don't know what percentage
African you have to be
1106
00:55:46,571 --> 00:55:48,938
where you can freely say the N-word.
1107
00:55:49,005 --> 00:55:50,905
[audience laughs]
1108
00:55:51,738 --> 00:55:53,705
But from my personal experience,
1109
00:55:53,771 --> 00:55:57,905
I will tell you that 1.6%
appears to be insufficient.
1110
00:55:57,971 --> 00:55:59,705
[audience laughs]
1111
00:55:59,771 --> 00:56:02,938
The juice is not worth the squeeze, kids.
1112
00:56:03,438 --> 00:56:06,138
Yeah, nobody gives a fuck about context.
1113
00:56:06,205 --> 00:56:10,771
So I don't say the N-word,
but I definitely have, and…
1114
00:56:11,705 --> 00:56:15,305
I would lie to you,
but there's a lot of evidence. Like…
1115
00:56:15,371 --> 00:56:16,871
[audience laughs]
1116
00:56:17,771 --> 00:56:20,538
I never said it to be racist,
because I'm not racist.
1117
00:56:20,605 --> 00:56:23,038
But if I was gonna quote
a great Richard Pryor bit,
1118
00:56:23,105 --> 00:56:26,071
I wouldn't fuck it up
by saying "the N-word."
1119
00:56:26,138 --> 00:56:28,005
I'd just say the actual word.
1120
00:56:28,071 --> 00:56:30,405
I thought everybody would understand.
1121
00:56:31,205 --> 00:56:33,438
But then somebody made a compilation
1122
00:56:33,971 --> 00:56:37,438
of every time I ever said that word
over the last 15 years,
1123
00:56:37,505 --> 00:56:39,305
and they made a YouTube video,
1124
00:56:39,371 --> 00:56:42,305
and it turns out
that looks racist as fuck!
1125
00:56:42,371 --> 00:56:44,905
- [audience laughs]
- Even to me!
1126
00:56:46,071 --> 00:56:49,971
I'm me, and I'm watching me,
and I'm going, "Stop saying it!
1127
00:56:50,038 --> 00:56:51,805
You're not allowed to say it!"
1128
00:56:51,871 --> 00:56:55,005
I put my cursor over the video,
I'm like, "Four more minutes?"
1129
00:56:55,071 --> 00:56:56,505
[audience laughs]
1130
00:56:56,571 --> 00:57:01,905
"Oh, my God, I gotta move to Florida.
I gotta live with the swamp people now!
1131
00:57:03,305 --> 00:57:05,238
Because I said me a magic word."
1132
00:57:07,305 --> 00:57:10,038
Here's the thing about these words,
you can't say them.
1133
00:57:10,105 --> 00:57:11,605
But that's unfortunate.
1134
00:57:11,671 --> 00:57:14,971
Because words are just supposed to be
a sound you make
1135
00:57:15,038 --> 00:57:16,938
so I know what you're thinking.
1136
00:57:17,005 --> 00:57:19,305
I can't wait until we can read minds.
1137
00:57:20,605 --> 00:57:23,305
Because a lot of people out there say,
"Have a nice day",
1138
00:57:23,371 --> 00:57:25,271
and they want you to get AIDS.
1139
00:57:25,338 --> 00:57:27,238
- [audience laughs]
- Okay?
1140
00:57:27,305 --> 00:57:32,005
I don't think the sound you make
with your face is our big problem.
1141
00:57:32,405 --> 00:57:36,005
And I don't think we should ban words,
because some of them are fun to say.
1142
00:57:36,071 --> 00:57:37,971
Here's my suggestion.
1143
00:57:38,038 --> 00:57:41,671
I think you should pay money
to use the most offensive words
1144
00:57:41,738 --> 00:57:44,171
then that money goes to cancer research.
1145
00:57:45,338 --> 00:57:47,771
I think we can fix cancer.
Here's my thought.
1146
00:57:47,838 --> 00:57:50,105
Every time you renew
your car registration,
1147
00:57:50,171 --> 00:57:52,605
you can buy five "retard" tags.
1148
00:57:52,671 --> 00:57:54,471
[audience laughs]
1149
00:57:54,538 --> 00:57:59,205
Imagine if that's all it took.
Imagine if retard tags cured cancer.
1150
00:57:59,271 --> 00:58:01,871
How would CNN even report on it?
1151
00:58:01,938 --> 00:58:03,605
[audience laughs]
1152
00:58:04,438 --> 00:58:07,038
But you know,
a lot of people will tell you:
1153
00:58:07,105 --> 00:58:09,638
"Hey, you should never say that word."
1154
00:58:09,705 --> 00:58:14,205
And you know what? I agree.
You should never say that word sometimes.
1155
00:58:14,738 --> 00:58:16,105
- [audience laughs]
- Right?
1156
00:58:16,171 --> 00:58:18,871
Sometimes. Like, if you're a good person--
1157
00:58:18,938 --> 00:58:21,838
If you're talking to a child
with a developmental disorder,
1158
00:58:21,905 --> 00:58:24,505
you would never dream
of using that word, right?
1159
00:58:24,571 --> 00:58:27,138
But if you're talking to
a regular grown man
1160
00:58:27,905 --> 00:58:31,005
who made a documentary
about the world being flat?
1161
00:58:31,071 --> 00:58:33,538
[audience laughs]
1162
00:58:33,605 --> 00:58:36,505
Yeah, he doesn't have extra chromosomes.
1163
00:58:36,571 --> 00:58:39,071
He's fucking retarded.
1164
00:58:39,138 --> 00:58:43,038
- [audience cheers]
- And if you don't say it that way,
1165
00:58:44,405 --> 00:58:46,105
he doesn't know how you really feel.
1166
00:58:47,538 --> 00:58:50,571
And he doesn't get the feedback
we all need to learn and grow.
1167
00:58:53,038 --> 00:58:55,738
A lot of people say, "You're a hypocrite.
1168
00:58:55,805 --> 00:58:58,338
You'll say the R-word,
but you won't say the N-word?"
1169
00:58:59,005 --> 00:59:00,671
- Yeah!
- [audience laughs]
1170
00:59:00,738 --> 00:59:03,505
Because I'm more afraid of Black people
than I am retards.
1171
00:59:03,571 --> 00:59:05,505
- [audience laughs]
- Duh.
1172
00:59:05,571 --> 00:59:08,038
Don't you know how jokes work, faggot?
1173
00:59:08,105 --> 00:59:09,305
[audience laughs]
1174
00:59:09,371 --> 00:59:13,771
It's all just supposed to be funsies.
1175
00:59:15,238 --> 00:59:17,471
Words are for fun, kids.
1176
00:59:17,871 --> 00:59:20,371
Try explaining that.
"Why did you laugh at that?"
1177
00:59:20,771 --> 00:59:22,871
You go to work tomorrow,
"It was really funny."
1178
00:59:22,938 --> 00:59:24,338
[audience laughs]
1179
00:59:24,405 --> 00:59:27,171
The problem isn't words, folks.
The problem is phones.
1180
00:59:27,238 --> 00:59:30,538
We have these complaint boxes
we carry around with us.
1181
00:59:30,605 --> 00:59:32,138
We're constantly checking in
1182
00:59:32,205 --> 00:59:34,838
to see what the most complain-y people
think about everything.
1183
00:59:34,905 --> 00:59:37,871
And it's not a lot of people.
And it's affecting culture.
1184
00:59:37,938 --> 00:59:40,138
This is what most people don't know.
1185
00:59:40,205 --> 00:59:44,205
Ninety percent of all tweets are
made by 10% of the people.
1186
00:59:44,271 --> 00:59:47,471
And those people are 100% retarded.
1187
00:59:47,538 --> 00:59:49,005
[audience laughs]
1188
00:59:49,071 --> 00:59:53,438
It's phones!
It's being connected to everywhere.
1189
00:59:53,505 --> 00:59:56,171
And it's weird. We're weirdly connected.
1190
00:59:56,238 --> 00:59:58,538
Like, I never leave my house
without my phone.
1191
00:59:59,171 --> 01:00:01,905
I leave my kids at home all the time.
1192
01:00:01,971 --> 01:00:03,738
[audience laughs]
1193
01:00:04,838 --> 01:00:07,471
I love my kids
way more than I love my phone,
1194
01:00:07,538 --> 01:00:10,905
but I will let certain people
watch my kids, you know?
1195
01:00:11,671 --> 01:00:14,071
Like my wife's mom,
she's an amazing grandmother.
1196
01:00:14,138 --> 01:00:15,838
Never trust that bitch on my phone.
1197
01:00:15,905 --> 01:00:20,471
Like, "Hey, get out of there, Nana!
That's my real brain."
1198
01:00:21,338 --> 01:00:23,071
Can you imagine unlocking your phone,
1199
01:00:23,138 --> 01:00:25,905
giving it to your wife's mom,
going "I'll be back in an hour"?
1200
01:00:25,971 --> 01:00:27,271
[audience laughs]
1201
01:00:27,338 --> 01:00:29,671
Look, I'm a good guy,
1202
01:00:29,738 --> 01:00:33,505
but I say a lot of shit to my friends
that I don't really mean
1203
01:00:33,571 --> 01:00:34,938
but I think it's funny.
1204
01:00:35,505 --> 01:00:38,238
I don't wanna have to explain that
to a 75-year-old lady.
1205
01:00:38,305 --> 01:00:41,971
[imitating woman] "Look, read it. He says
he's gonna kill you and fuck me.
1206
01:00:42,038 --> 01:00:43,405
[audience laughs]
1207
01:00:43,471 --> 01:00:46,905
He sent that to all his friends.
And they all thumbs-upped.
1208
01:00:46,971 --> 01:00:50,171
Look at all the thumbs up,
these fucking psychopaths.
1209
01:00:51,005 --> 01:00:54,838
Oh, and there's a lot of pictures
of other guys' dicks on his phone.
1210
01:00:54,905 --> 01:00:56,171
Do you know about those?"
1211
01:00:58,205 --> 01:01:00,271
[normal voice] I send my wife pictures of
other dudes' dicks
1212
01:01:00,338 --> 01:01:02,471
just to see if she's paying attention.
1213
01:01:02,538 --> 01:01:04,271
[audience laughs]
1214
01:01:06,538 --> 01:01:08,605
If you wanna find out
if you got a good jewel,
1215
01:01:08,671 --> 01:01:11,005
you gotta bring them a fake diamond.
1216
01:01:11,071 --> 01:01:13,838
You gotta stay crafty
or these hoes get bored.
1217
01:01:13,905 --> 01:01:16,305
Every day's a fucking game!
1218
01:01:16,371 --> 01:01:21,005
- [audience laughs]
- No, not really. "What, really?" No.
1219
01:01:21,705 --> 01:01:25,505
My wife's mom is a lovely lady.
She's 75 years old and single.
1220
01:01:25,571 --> 01:01:28,405
So I said to my wife,
"Why don't we take her
1221
01:01:28,471 --> 01:01:30,971
to one of those nice places
where there's guys her age."
1222
01:01:31,038 --> 01:01:34,738
She goes, "No.
They all go crazy and they get STDs."
1223
01:01:34,805 --> 01:01:39,438
She has an article saved, an article
about a rash of STDs at nursing homes.
1224
01:01:39,505 --> 01:01:43,771
I'm reading it, I go, "Okay,
this is the difference between you and me.
1225
01:01:44,905 --> 01:01:49,438
Because if there was a place
where I could take my grandpa
1226
01:01:50,438 --> 01:01:53,071
and he would definitely get herpes?
1227
01:01:54,338 --> 01:01:59,071
I would fill that old dude up
with so much viagra that he goes deaf.
1228
01:01:59,138 --> 01:02:01,871
I'd give him a couple extra twists
of his mustache
1229
01:02:01,938 --> 01:02:05,371
and push him toward those old hoes.
"Let's go, Grandpa!"
1230
01:02:05,438 --> 01:02:08,105
I'd be in that parking lot
with a conch shell.
1231
01:02:08,171 --> 01:02:09,838
[imitates horn]
1232
01:02:10,538 --> 01:02:15,205
Every man wants his grandfather
to be the savage of the nursing home.
1233
01:02:16,638 --> 01:02:20,371
You go to visit grandpa,
he's got an army helmet on, open bathrobe,
1234
01:02:20,438 --> 01:02:25,671
bottle of Jack, big old hard-on,
blacked-out naked old ladies in his room.
1235
01:02:25,738 --> 01:02:29,138
He's like,
"I fuck, and I wait for the Lord!"
1236
01:02:29,205 --> 01:02:31,638
[audience applauds]
1237
01:02:32,238 --> 01:02:33,171
[laughs]
1238
01:02:35,505 --> 01:02:36,671
I'm glad you guys laughed
1239
01:02:36,738 --> 01:02:39,805
because my wife didn't think
any of the shit I just said was funny.
1240
01:02:39,871 --> 01:02:41,438
She's like, "Don't write it down."
1241
01:02:42,838 --> 01:02:44,571
I'm like,
"You're too close to this, baby."
1242
01:02:44,638 --> 01:02:47,638
She goes, "Who wants to have sex
with a 75-year-old woman?"
1243
01:02:47,705 --> 01:02:49,605
I'm like, "A 102-year-old man."
1244
01:02:49,671 --> 01:02:53,338
He'd be pumped. "She's a good one.
She was born after the war.
1245
01:02:53,405 --> 01:02:54,771
They had better food."
1246
01:02:55,938 --> 01:02:58,138
He survived 'Nam, let him fuck!
1247
01:02:59,538 --> 01:03:03,271
"This is bullshit. You don't mean it.
You don't want that for your grandfather."
1248
01:03:03,338 --> 01:03:08,738
That's what he wanted. He told me.
He told me! I'm not guessing.
1249
01:03:09,505 --> 01:03:11,305
I was very close with my grandfather.
1250
01:03:11,371 --> 01:03:13,638
I got drunk with my grandpa
before he died.
1251
01:03:13,705 --> 01:03:15,971
I go, "Grandpa, how do you wanna die?"
1252
01:03:16,038 --> 01:03:20,105
He goes, "I want a Russian nurse
riding the old shlazool,
1253
01:03:20,171 --> 01:03:23,438
with her hands on my neck,
and right when I'm about to nut,
1254
01:03:23,505 --> 01:03:26,838
I wanna look her in the eye and go,
'Fuck you, and fuck Stalin.'
1255
01:03:26,905 --> 01:03:28,005
[imitates choking]
1256
01:03:28,105 --> 01:03:32,005
- [audience laughs and applauds]
- And bam! I had a great life."
1257
01:03:32,071 --> 01:03:36,005
I will never forget that day
because I was 6 years old.
1258
01:03:36,071 --> 01:03:38,705
- [audience laughs]
- San Antonio, I love you to death!
1259
01:03:38,771 --> 01:03:40,705
Thank you very much,
this was a lot of fun!
1260
01:03:40,771 --> 01:03:44,638
- [audience cheers and applauds]
- We did it! We did it!
1261
01:03:45,971 --> 01:03:49,671
This was the first time I've done
anything like this live, it was fun!
1262
01:03:49,738 --> 01:03:53,538
I can only do it because you people
are so fucking cool! Thank you very much!
1263
01:03:54,905 --> 01:03:57,171
Thanks for coming out! Thank you!
1264
01:03:57,238 --> 01:04:00,171
Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you!
1265
01:04:00,238 --> 01:04:02,871
Thank you, brother. Thank you. Thank you!
1266
01:04:03,505 --> 01:04:08,071
- [rock music plays]
- Thank you! Thank you, guys, thank you!
1267
01:04:08,138 --> 01:04:10,638
Thank you. Thank you, guys.
1268
01:04:10,705 --> 01:04:14,538
Let's fucking go. Let's fucking go!
Thank you.
1269
01:04:14,605 --> 01:04:16,905
Thank you very much. Thank you.
1270
01:04:18,705 --> 01:04:19,671
Thank you.
1271
01:04:19,738 --> 01:04:22,638
We're a part of each other's lives
forever. Thank you!
1272
01:04:22,705 --> 01:04:24,971
[audience cheering and applauding]
1273
01:06:32,305 --> 01:06:34,171
[rock music fades out]