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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

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MAN: It's good to see you, Ed.

5
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What have you been up to?

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00:00:55,989 --> 00:00:58,425
[ED INHALES AND EXHALES]

7
00:00:58,425 --> 00:01:01,929
To be honest,
I haven't been doing much.

8
00:01:01,929 --> 00:01:05,065
I've been spending
a lot of time with family,

9
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:08,402
because sometimes it's just
good to be around...

10
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- anxiety.
- [MAN CHUCKLES]

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00:01:11,438 --> 00:01:14,208
Yeah. You know, I learned a lot.

12
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I learned that our family
has no boundaries.

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I went to, uh, Burger King
around Mom and Dad's the other day.

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I'm walking,
the guy saw me come in.

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He's like, "Hey, man.

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00:01:24,384 --> 00:01:25,919
"You're the guy who married
a white woman.

17
00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:27,187
"What can I get ya?"

18
00:01:27,187 --> 00:01:30,123
I'm like, "I would like
to get out of here.

19
00:01:30,123 --> 00:01:31,225
"What just happened?"

20
00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:33,627
And I figured it out.

21
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Apparently, Mom has been
showing my wedding photos

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00:01:36,563 --> 00:01:40,634
to every single business
within a three-mile radius.

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Every single business.

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00:01:42,736 --> 00:01:45,405
So I went to her, I'm like,
"What are you doing?"

25
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She's like, "You want
to be famous, right?

26
00:01:47,140 --> 00:01:48,375
"You're famous."

27
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I'm like, "On TV,
not at Costco."

28
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Dad's in
the back of the house, "Costco has TV."

29
00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:56,817
I'm like,
"You're not helping. Just stop."

30
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You know, just no boundaries.
True story.

31
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:04,291
Our brother, Henry,
shit his pants

32
00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:06,660
on his way home from work
the other day.

33
00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:10,230
Thirty-two years old,
certified doctor,

34
00:02:10,230 --> 00:02:11,899
just gave up on his life
on the highway.

35
00:02:12,933 --> 00:02:15,135
So I called him. I was worried.

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00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,971
I was like, "Hey, are you okay?"

37
00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:21,842
He's like,
"Ed, whatever you do, don't tell Dad."

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I'm like, "Dude, Dad told me.

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00:02:25,245 --> 00:02:27,281
"Like, everybody knows.
What are you talking about?"

40
00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:30,417
And it's not just
our immediate family.

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It's everybody involved.

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I went to the doctor recently

43
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because there's some
skin tags in my leg,

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and I thought herpes,

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because I'm a hypochondriac.

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So I'm sitting,
the doctor's looking,

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he's like, "Ed, you know what?
They're just skin tags.

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"You're good. You can go."

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I'm like, "Oh, good."

50
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The minute I leave the clinic,
I just get a text from my mom.

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She says, "Why do you
have herpes?"

52
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I'm like, "What the hell?
Am I wearing a wire?"

53
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So now I got to call her, right?

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'Cause I don't need Burger King
thinking I have herpes.

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So I'm about to dial my phone.

56
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Henry calls me.

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I'm like, "No!"

58
00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:05,385
So I pick up the phone and say,
"Hey, did Mom tell you I have herpes?"

59
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He's like, "Mmm, no.

60
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"But you're on speakerphone
with all my friends."

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I'm like, "Damn it.
Now I'm a herpes boy.

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- "That's what I am."
- [MAN CHUCKLES]

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By the way,
if you got skin tags,

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you don't have
to go to the doctor.

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Just do it yourself.
I did it myself.

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You just go to the pharmacy,

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you get what they call
a skin tag remover kit.

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It comes with
a swab of chemicals.

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You put the swab
in the chemicals,

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you put the swab
on your skin tag,

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and in about ten days,

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it'll become
completely infected.

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Yeah. Don't do it.
Just go to the doctor.

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MAN: Thank you for the advice.

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I know you've noticed, um,

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there's no sense of time
when it comes to family.

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My mom calls me in a panic
two weeks ago,

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2:00 in the morning.

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You know, she's like,
"Ed, you got to come over.

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"Your dad's in trouble."

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I'm like, "Oh, my God,
is he sick?"

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All right,
so I drive to the house, I rush inside.

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Everyone's in the backyard.

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I'm like,
"What's, what's going on?"

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00:04:00,607 --> 00:04:04,545
She's like, "Oh, your dad
lost his glasses in the yard."

86
00:04:04,545 --> 00:04:07,447
I'm like, "Why are we doing this
at 2:00 in the morning?"

87
00:04:07,447 --> 00:04:09,049
She's like,
"'Cause he can't see."

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I'm like,
"Yeah, 'cause it's nighttime.

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"Nobody can see."

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Straight face, she looks at me,

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she's like, "Oh, yeah?

92
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"What if a bird takes it
and walks away?"

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I'm like, "Do you live
on Sesame Street?"

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00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:27,401
Is Big Bird gonna jack your shit
and walk away?

95
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You know, just everything
is a crisis with them.

96
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Everything is DEFCON 5.

97
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I was just in the house
the other day,

98
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just relaxing on the couch.

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She comes in with her phone.

100
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She's like, "Big red dot,
big red dot."

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I'm like,
"Just give me your phone."

102
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The red dot, apparently,

103
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is the notification
on her email app.

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And she has
300,000 unread emails.

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I'm like, "What is this?"

106
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She's like,
"Oh, it's from last week."

107
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I'm like, "Did you sign up for
the entire Internet last week?

108
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"Like, how is this possible?"

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You know what? I get it.
She's not good with phones.

110
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So I said, "You know what?
Just take it back.

111
00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:02,669
"Take your phone back.

112
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"Take a week, Mom.
Read all your emails.

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"Give it back to me.
I'll back it up.

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"You're good to go."

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She does it, which is great.

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So I'm there,
backing up the phone.

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Halfway through,
the phone gets stuck.

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I'm like, "What is wrong
with this phone?"

119
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So I check the log and it says

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she has 600,000 photos

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of screenshots of all the emails
she just read.

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Two for each one,
in case she lost one.

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I'm like, "I don't know
how to fix this.

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"This is humanly impossible."

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She's standing there,
she's like, "Should we restart?"

126
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I'm like, "You mean
our relationship?

127
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,705
"Yeah, we should restart."

128
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The older I get, the less
I know Mom and Dad.

129
00:05:41,808 --> 00:05:43,844
Dad killed a rat recently.

130
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Most people would have
poisoned or trapped it.

131
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Not this guy.

132
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He knocked it unconscious
and buried it alive in the backyard.

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This man raised children.

134
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,788
You know what's the most
messed up part I found?

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He kills every animal
that comes to the yard

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and buries it alive
in the back at night.

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He's not looking
for his glasses.

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- He's looking for his victims.
- [MAN LAUGHS]

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I'm in the driveway
the other day, where I just cleaned my car,

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and the neighbor sees me,
comes over.

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He goes "Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed.

142
00:06:09,970 --> 00:06:11,405
"Your dad was in the yard

143
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"last night at 3:00
in the morning.

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"He's planting something.

145
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"What's he planting?"

146
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I'm like, "Your cat.

147
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"That's what he's planting.
It's your cat."

148
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My phone is on, um,
airplane mode now

149
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'cause I'm in the waiting room,

150
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Mom's texting me the whole time.

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The entire time,
she's texting me.

152
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She sent me a video,

153
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:30,991
when I was out there, just now,

154
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that says, "Edward, look,

155
00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:35,062
"this pizza man is taking
a woman hostage."

156
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I'm like, "This is porn.

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- "You're sending me porn.
- [MAN LAUGHS]

158
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"Why are you watching porn?"

159
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See, this is the most
interesting part,

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00:06:46,773 --> 00:06:50,677
is you can talk about anything,
in our family,

161
00:06:50,677 --> 00:06:52,579
just do not talk about feelings.

162
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Do not bring up feelings.

163
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Only time I talked
about feelings was in grade eight.

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I remember when,
to Dad I said, "Hey, Dad.

165
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"I feel like
I'm not good enough."

166
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He said, "You're correct."

167
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I'm like, "Wait, what?
That's not what I wanted."

168
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That's the thing.

169
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There's two rules
in every Asian household.

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Just two.

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There's no feelings
and cash only.

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[CHUCKLING]
That's the only two rules we've got.

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I think that's why,
growing up in high school,

174
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you know,
all my friends were white.

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All my friends were white.

176
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'Cause white people,

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they're really good listeners.

178
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I mean, I still don't
trust them,

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00:07:31,919 --> 00:07:33,453
but you're really
good listeners.

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And it's just so confusing

181
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'cause they were so open
with their emotions.

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I wasn't.

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I remember high school,

184
00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:42,629
you know, our friend, Jeff...

185
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drove us to school.

186
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:47,000
And, you know,

187
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,002
we're getting to school.
We're getting out of the car.

188
00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:51,004
You know, his mom was driving,

189
00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:54,174
and he just goes, "I love you."

190
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And his mom goes,
"I love you, too."

191
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And she kissed him on the cheek.

192
00:07:58,579 --> 00:08:00,447
I was walking to school,
I was so confused.

193
00:08:00,447 --> 00:08:02,015
I was like, "Hey, Jeff,

194
00:08:02,015 --> 00:08:03,617
"are you fucking your mom?"

195
00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:04,751
[MAN CHUCKLES]

196
00:08:04,751 --> 00:08:07,120
"Like what is going on
in your house?"

197
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:10,357
Because mental health
is not a conversation

198
00:08:10,357 --> 00:08:12,860
in the Asian community.
We don't talk about it.

199
00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:15,462
As an Asian
in high school, when I was 16,

200
00:08:15,462 --> 00:08:17,865
I cried myself to sleep
every night.

201
00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:20,934
Every single night,
I cried myself to sleep.

202
00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:22,302
It got so bad

203
00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:25,506
there's dried tear patches
all over the bed.

204
00:08:25,506 --> 00:08:27,975
Mom used to change
my bedsheets.

205
00:08:27,975 --> 00:08:29,510
Never talked about it.

206
00:08:29,510 --> 00:08:31,845
I brought it up recently.

207
00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,213
I was like, "Mom,
you ever noticed

208
00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:35,048
"the patches on the bed?

209
00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:36,450
"Like, what did you think
it was?"

210
00:08:37,117 --> 00:08:38,619
She's like, "Oh!

211
00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:40,787
"I thought you were
just touching yourself."

212
00:08:40,787 --> 00:08:43,457
I'm like, "Twenty times a day?"

213
00:08:43,457 --> 00:08:44,958
She's like,
"Like father, like son!"

214
00:08:44,958 --> 00:08:46,960
I'm like, "Oh, my God,
I don't wanna talk about it.

215
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,362
"Just show me the porn.

216
00:08:48,362 --> 00:08:49,696
"We're fine."

217
00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:53,000
It got so bad,

218
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,336
with my behavioral
emotional issues in high school,

219
00:08:56,336 --> 00:08:58,972
I got called in to
the school counselor's office.

220
00:08:58,972 --> 00:09:00,307
And the school's counselor
sat me down,

221
00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:01,909
she's like, "Ed,

222
00:09:01,909 --> 00:09:06,246
"have you ever considered
family therapy?"

223
00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:07,648
I'm like, "Yes!

224
00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:09,383
"With my brand-new
foster family."

225
00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:13,720
Mom and Dad don't do therapy.

226
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,190
You know, I'll tell you
how they cope.

227
00:09:16,190 --> 00:09:17,391
They buy things.

228
00:09:17,391 --> 00:09:19,059
You know, the more
problems there are,

229
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:20,527
the more things they buy.

230
00:09:20,527 --> 00:09:22,829
The best way to describe
their house right now

231
00:09:22,829 --> 00:09:24,431
is a fire hazard.

232
00:09:24,431 --> 00:09:26,233
There's stuff everywhere.

233
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:27,868
Right now, Dad's room
in his house,

234
00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:29,203
there's just all shampoo.

235
00:09:29,203 --> 00:09:31,338
There's hundreds
of bottles of shampoo.

236
00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:33,273
And he's part of it, too.

237
00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:34,741
Because every time I go over,

238
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:37,077
I feel like I'm in the middle
of Lion King.

239
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:38,345
He's like, "My son.

240
00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:41,248
"One day,
this will all be yours."

241
00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:44,051
- And I'm like,
"Dad, I don't have any hair." - [MAN LAUGHS]

242
00:09:44,051 --> 00:09:45,118
He's like, "Not to worry."

243
00:09:45,118 --> 00:09:46,353
Opens the door.
It's all Rogaine.

244
00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:47,921
I'm like, "What the hell
is this house?"

245
00:09:49,523 --> 00:09:50,524
There's only one moment...

246
00:09:52,226 --> 00:09:53,560
in our entire life

247
00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:56,430
I saw my way into mental health
with Mom and Dad.

248
00:09:56,430 --> 00:10:00,901
It's about five years
into immigration.

249
00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:03,303
You know,
Mom and Dad had this huge fight,

250
00:10:03,303 --> 00:10:07,574
this marriage-ending,
life-changing fight.

251
00:10:07,574 --> 00:10:09,042
And I'm really
in the fight,

252
00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:10,544
Dad's standing
in the corner of the house,

253
00:10:10,544 --> 00:10:12,913
just defeated as a man.

254
00:10:12,913 --> 00:10:15,782
I saw that, I was so sad.
I was devastated.

255
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,985
He saw me sitting.
He walks over, he goes,

256
00:10:17,985 --> 00:10:20,053
"Edward, let me
tell you something.

257
00:10:20,053 --> 00:10:23,156
"Your emotions is like fire.

258
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:27,261
"If you let it burn,
it will destroy everything."

259
00:10:27,261 --> 00:10:28,729
And I saw it.

260
00:10:28,729 --> 00:10:30,564
That's my moment.

261
00:10:30,564 --> 00:10:34,835
I was like, "Dad, do you want
to get therapy?"

262
00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:36,637
He looks at me, he goes,

263
00:10:36,637 --> 00:10:40,174
"Do you want to get
a Playstation?"

264
00:10:40,174 --> 00:10:41,675
I'm like, "Yeah, fuck therapy.

265
00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:43,844
"This is so much better.
I understand now."

266
00:10:43,844 --> 00:10:45,078
MAN: It's a problem.

267
00:10:46,747 --> 00:10:48,081
It's a huge problem.

268
00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:49,283
But you know what?

269
00:10:49,283 --> 00:10:50,817
That's their truth.

270
00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:54,188
You can't judge people
for their truth.

271
00:10:54,188 --> 00:10:55,989
It's hard to see
outside your truth.

272
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,357
Like, give me--
I'll give you an example.

273
00:10:58,492 --> 00:11:00,027
I do a lot of fishing.

274
00:11:00,027 --> 00:11:02,329
You know, this one morning,
Saturday morning, very early,

275
00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:03,797
I'm sitting on the dock.

276
00:11:03,797 --> 00:11:05,032
I turn around,

277
00:11:05,032 --> 00:11:08,802
and there's a kid fishing
with my fishing rod.

278
00:11:08,802 --> 00:11:11,471
So I just went, "Hey, drop it!
That's mine! Now."

279
00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:13,774
He goes, "Oh, sorry, sir."
He drops it, runs away.

280
00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:15,175
I'm like, "Kids, right?
They don't know.

281
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:16,777
"It's not a big deal."

282
00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:18,712
So I keep fishing.

283
00:11:18,712 --> 00:11:19,847
At the end of the day,

284
00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:23,016
I go back to my car,
I open the trunk,

285
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,985
and there was...

286
00:11:24,985 --> 00:11:27,020
was my fishing rod.

287
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:29,223
And that's the same time
I realized

288
00:11:29,223 --> 00:11:32,292
I fucking robbed a kid.

289
00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:34,027
Like he's just there,
enjoying his Saturday,

290
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:35,729
some random guy
just turned around,

291
00:11:35,729 --> 00:11:37,331
just went, "Hey, drop it!

292
00:11:37,331 --> 00:11:38,565
"That's mine now."

293
00:11:39,666 --> 00:11:40,834
Couldn't see outside my truth.

294
00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:43,570
But here's the thing.

295
00:11:44,805 --> 00:11:47,241
Your truth may not be the truth.

296
00:11:48,509 --> 00:11:50,043
See, Dad told me
this story one time.

297
00:11:51,345 --> 00:11:53,146
Once upon a time,
there's a farmer.

298
00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:54,982
He had two buckets.

299
00:11:54,982 --> 00:11:57,017
Used the buckets to get water
from the lake for his farm.

300
00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:59,586
One day,
one of the buckets broke.

301
00:11:59,586 --> 00:12:00,888
So the bucket
said to the farmer,

302
00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:02,756
"Sir, I'm no good. I'm broken.

303
00:12:02,756 --> 00:12:04,925
"You have to let me go."

304
00:12:04,925 --> 00:12:06,326
Farmer says, "No, you're great,

305
00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:07,761
"'cause look...
look at this path we've been on.

306
00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:10,664
"Because you're leaking,
now it's blooming with flowers.

307
00:12:10,664 --> 00:12:11,732
"You are something."

308
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,868
I heard that,
I'm like, "Oh, my God,

309
00:12:14,868 --> 00:12:16,904
"don't give up on who you are,
right, Dad?"

310
00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:20,908
Dad's like, "No!
It means don't do drugs.

311
00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:23,243
- "That guy's talking
to buckets." - [MAN LAUGHS]

312
00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:25,112
Your truth may not be the truth.

313
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:28,615
And I get it.

314
00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:30,584
'Cause you can't believe
anything you see these days.

315
00:12:30,584 --> 00:12:32,252
Right? You can't
believe a thing.

316
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,721
Ever tried
googling yourself recently?

317
00:12:34,721 --> 00:12:36,056
That shit is bananas.

318
00:12:36,056 --> 00:12:37,391
I googled myself the other day.

319
00:12:37,391 --> 00:12:40,961
Google says I have $5 million.

320
00:12:41,895 --> 00:12:43,463
It missed the mark

321
00:12:43,463 --> 00:12:46,233
by $5 million.

322
00:12:46,233 --> 00:12:48,235
I don't have any money.

323
00:12:48,235 --> 00:12:50,938
This is the best part
about the write-up.

324
00:12:50,938 --> 00:12:53,974
It says net worth, $5 million.

325
00:12:53,974 --> 00:12:56,143
Ethnicity, to be determined.

326
00:12:56,143 --> 00:12:58,478
I'm like, "I've never had money.

327
00:12:58,478 --> 00:13:00,547
"I've always been Asian.
How is it even possible?"

328
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,884
And nothing makes
any sense.

329
00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:05,118
Nothing.

330
00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:07,654
Just this morning,
I was at Starbucks, right.

331
00:13:07,654 --> 00:13:09,323
I was getting a coffee.

332
00:13:09,323 --> 00:13:10,924
I paid for my coffee.

333
00:13:10,924 --> 00:13:13,627
And the lady goes,
"Sir, can I get a name for the cup?"

334
00:13:13,627 --> 00:13:14,928
I'm like, "Yeah, of course.

335
00:13:14,928 --> 00:13:16,496
"My name is Ed."

336
00:13:16,496 --> 00:13:18,599
She's like,
"How do you spell that?"

337
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,568
So I just left.
I couldn't do it.

338
00:13:21,568 --> 00:13:23,170
I just left.

339
00:13:23,170 --> 00:13:24,571
My friend was like,
"Why don't you just spell it for her?"

340
00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:26,940
I'm like,
"Because she's making my coffee.

341
00:13:26,940 --> 00:13:28,775
"I don't trust her.

342
00:13:28,775 --> 00:13:30,310
"If she can't spell Ed,

343
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:33,113
"what the fuck is she making?

344
00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:34,915
"Is she just
shitting in my cup?"

345
00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:36,450
"It's the same color?
Don't worry about it. We're fine. We're fine."

346
00:13:37,351 --> 00:13:39,453
So I feel bad for the kids.

347
00:13:39,453 --> 00:13:41,255
My nephew was freaking out
the other day,

348
00:13:41,255 --> 00:13:43,323
he had this big test coming up,
you know, he's so stressed.

349
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:44,591
And I was like,
"Okay, let me help you.

350
00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:46,260
"I'll help you, right?
Show me the question."

351
00:13:46,260 --> 00:13:47,461
And it was a math--

352
00:13:47,461 --> 00:13:49,029
It's a math test
I'll tell you the question.

353
00:13:49,029 --> 00:13:51,498
Here is the question, it says,
"If you're at a campsite,

354
00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:53,333
"and you walk three miles
to the south,

355
00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:54,968
"and three miles to the east,

356
00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:56,937
"and then three miles
to the north,

357
00:13:56,937 --> 00:14:00,607
"and you bump into a bear.

358
00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:02,509
"What color is that bear?"

359
00:14:03,777 --> 00:14:05,279
What type of question is that?

360
00:14:05,279 --> 00:14:07,147
So my nephew's
sitting there, he goes,

361
00:14:07,147 --> 00:14:08,348
"Uncle Ed, what do I do?"

362
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,717
I'm like, "I think
you should do drugs."

363
00:14:10,717 --> 00:14:11,885
[MAN LAUGHS]

364
00:14:11,885 --> 00:14:13,187
"Cause it's not working."

365
00:14:14,821 --> 00:14:16,023
Everything is upside down.

366
00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:17,858
People with the most
responsibility

367
00:14:17,858 --> 00:14:19,359
has the least accountability.

368
00:14:20,861 --> 00:14:22,629
You know, I don't know
if you noticed,

369
00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:25,032
there's almost no doctors

370
00:14:25,032 --> 00:14:26,867
that's on time.

371
00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:30,170
Yeah. Henry's a doctor.
I called him.

372
00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:33,540
I was like,
"Hey, why are you guys always late?"

373
00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:37,978
He's like, "Ed, I, uh,
I can't talk about this right now."

374
00:14:37,978 --> 00:14:39,746
I'm like, "Why not?"

375
00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:41,515
He's like, "'Cause I'm late
for something."

376
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:45,052
He's an eye surgeon.

377
00:14:45,052 --> 00:14:46,320
The whole profession
makes no sense.

378
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:47,754
I don't know if you know,

379
00:14:47,754 --> 00:14:49,089
there's a different doctor
for every part of your eye.

380
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:50,991
Doctor for your cornea,
doctor for your retina,

381
00:14:50,991 --> 00:14:53,527
doctor for your eyelids,
doctor for your eyebrows.

382
00:14:53,527 --> 00:14:56,096
I'm like, "Why do you need
so many doctors

383
00:14:56,096 --> 00:14:57,097
"for one body part?"

384
00:14:58,899 --> 00:15:02,669
He's like, "Ed, the human body
is very complicated."

385
00:15:02,669 --> 00:15:04,104
I'm like, "Really?

386
00:15:04,104 --> 00:15:06,106
"Is that why my doctor
used the same finger

387
00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:07,441
"for my throat and my ass?

388
00:15:07,441 --> 00:15:10,010
"Is that why?" So complicated.

389
00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:13,780
Somebody asked me the other day,
it's an interesting question,

390
00:15:13,780 --> 00:15:15,048
they go,

391
00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:17,251
"Ed, would you
ever let Henry, your brother,

392
00:15:17,251 --> 00:15:19,119
"operate on your eye?"

393
00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:21,088
I'll say, "Yeah, of course.

394
00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:23,457
- "If I wanna go blind."
- [MAN CHUCKLES]

395
00:15:23,457 --> 00:15:26,627
I mean, he's a great doctor.
He's amazing.

396
00:15:26,627 --> 00:15:28,629
It's just, I know him.

397
00:15:28,629 --> 00:15:31,732
I just can't trust somebody
who thought Pokemons were real

398
00:15:31,732 --> 00:15:32,766
until they were 18.

399
00:15:33,567 --> 00:15:35,135
[MAN LAUGHS]

400
00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:38,071
You know, I actually don't mind

401
00:15:38,071 --> 00:15:40,207
when things make no sense.

402
00:15:40,207 --> 00:15:41,608
You know what gets to me?

403
00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:43,810
Happens a lot these days,
it's a symptom of our time,

404
00:15:43,810 --> 00:15:46,146
is people like
to impose their truth

405
00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:47,714
on other people's truth.

406
00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:50,384
Believe what I believe in,
don't impose on other people.

407
00:15:50,384 --> 00:15:51,985
Look, I was in
a buffet line recently,

408
00:15:51,985 --> 00:15:54,087
Mom's there. Dad's there.
Henry's there.

409
00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:55,889
My wife is there.

410
00:15:55,889 --> 00:15:59,059
And, you know, Mom and Dad
are speaking Mandarin.

411
00:15:59,059 --> 00:16:02,262
It's their first language.
They're kind of loud.

412
00:16:02,262 --> 00:16:03,997
And lady in front of us,
she turns around and goes,

413
00:16:03,997 --> 00:16:05,265
"Hey, speak English.

414
00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:07,167
"You're in my country now."

415
00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:09,670
Yeah. Stunned.
We don't know what to do.

416
00:16:09,670 --> 00:16:11,238
You know, my wife gets involved.

417
00:16:11,238 --> 00:16:14,308
She steps right in between,
she goes, "You know what?

418
00:16:14,308 --> 00:16:16,109
"They're not even talking
about you."

419
00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:18,946
And that's the moment

420
00:16:18,946 --> 00:16:20,948
Henry and I locked eyes
and we smiled

421
00:16:20,948 --> 00:16:22,649
'cause we know...

422
00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:25,118
- we're totally talking
about them. - [MAN LAUGHS]

423
00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:28,288
Yeah. My wife doesn't
understand either.

424
00:16:28,288 --> 00:16:30,123
God bless her heart.
She was trying so hard.

425
00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:33,794
MAN: Things sure
sound different.

426
00:16:35,929 --> 00:16:37,798
Yeah, the world's changing,
isn't it?

427
00:16:38,765 --> 00:16:40,534
It's changing. I feel it.

428
00:16:40,534 --> 00:16:43,704
I feel it in the questions I get
about our community.

429
00:16:44,938 --> 00:16:46,640
I do.

430
00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:49,042
Yeah, I get asked
this question all the time.

431
00:16:49,042 --> 00:16:50,711
People keep asking me,
"Ed, is it racist

432
00:16:50,711 --> 00:16:52,379
"to say 'Chinese virus'?"

433
00:16:52,379 --> 00:16:55,883
"Is it racist
to say 'Chinese virus'?"

434
00:16:55,883 --> 00:16:58,218
I'm like, "I don't know.
I'm not Chinese.

435
00:16:59,219 --> 00:17:00,721
"I'm from Taiwan.

436
00:17:00,721 --> 00:17:02,956
"We also say 'Chinese virus.'

437
00:17:02,956 --> 00:17:05,459
"You take that information
how you want.

438
00:17:05,459 --> 00:17:06,527
"I don't have the answers."

439
00:17:07,895 --> 00:17:09,329
Here's another question
I get all the time.

440
00:17:09,329 --> 00:17:11,965
It's like, "Ed, how do you feel,
in a clime like this?"

441
00:17:11,965 --> 00:17:13,133
I gotta be honest with you.

442
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:14,902
I feel...

443
00:17:15,802 --> 00:17:18,372
exactly the same.

444
00:17:18,372 --> 00:17:20,541
It's not new. It's been around
for a very long time.

445
00:17:22,042 --> 00:17:24,545
My first week here in Canada,
I was on the playground,

446
00:17:24,545 --> 00:17:26,847
you know, I was lost.

447
00:17:26,847 --> 00:17:28,182
A man comes up to me,
he goes,

448
00:17:28,182 --> 00:17:29,917
"Hey, if you don't know
where you are,

449
00:17:29,917 --> 00:17:32,386
"then go back to where
you came from."

450
00:17:32,386 --> 00:17:35,656
I was so shocked,
because he had...

451
00:17:35,656 --> 00:17:37,224
a turban on.

452
00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:39,359
I'm like, this is the most
multicultural racist

453
00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:40,761
I've ever seen my life.

454
00:17:40,761 --> 00:17:41,995
This is very progressive.

455
00:17:43,597 --> 00:17:45,365
You notice, there's no gray.

456
00:17:45,365 --> 00:17:46,667
Everything's black or white.

457
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:48,735
You know...

458
00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:51,939
A friend texted me
the other day.

459
00:17:51,939 --> 00:17:53,207
She goes,
"Ed, I'm trying to find

460
00:17:53,207 --> 00:17:55,576
"a culturally-appropriate
costume.

461
00:17:55,576 --> 00:17:57,544
"What do you recommend?"

462
00:17:57,544 --> 00:18:00,280
I'm like, "I recommend
you delete my number.

463
00:18:01,381 --> 00:18:02,916
"What am I,
the spirit of Halloween?

464
00:18:02,916 --> 00:18:04,885
"Just be a pumpkin.
Just be a pumpkin."

465
00:18:05,919 --> 00:18:07,955
I have a favorite
question, though.

466
00:18:07,955 --> 00:18:09,456
Somebody asked me the other day,

467
00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:12,559
they go, "Ed, how do you feel
about Shang-Chi?"

468
00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:14,261
The first Asian
Marvel superhero.

469
00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:16,196
"How do you feel
about Shang-Chi?"

470
00:18:18,232 --> 00:18:20,300
I don't give a shit
about Shang-Chi.

471
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:21,602
Why?

472
00:18:21,602 --> 00:18:24,771
It's another Asian guy
that excels at his craft.

473
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:26,573
I don't want to see that.

474
00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:28,876
You know what I wanna see.
I'll tell you what I wanna see.

475
00:18:28,876 --> 00:18:31,111
I wanna see a TV show

476
00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:34,047
about a homeless
Asian hockey player.

477
00:18:35,115 --> 00:18:36,917
And then she fails.

478
00:18:36,917 --> 00:18:38,785
And she calls her parents,

479
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:40,420
and they talk about
their feelings.

480
00:18:40,420 --> 00:18:42,456
That's fantasy.
That's never gonna happen.

481
00:18:44,458 --> 00:18:45,792
See, the fact is...

482
00:18:47,294 --> 00:18:49,129
we're all the same.

483
00:18:49,129 --> 00:18:52,165
We spend all this time
and energy on our differences,

484
00:18:52,165 --> 00:18:53,901
but we're all the same.

485
00:18:53,901 --> 00:18:55,502
I learned that very early on
in my career.

486
00:18:55,502 --> 00:18:58,605
In my early 20s,
I did a comedy festival in Ohio.

487
00:18:58,605 --> 00:19:00,574
And I stayed in a hostel.

488
00:19:00,574 --> 00:19:03,310
Because at that moment
in my life, I didn't have very much...

489
00:19:03,310 --> 00:19:04,845
STDS.

490
00:19:04,845 --> 00:19:06,446
And that's where
you get more.

491
00:19:07,681 --> 00:19:09,183
And my roommate,
of all people in the world,

492
00:19:09,183 --> 00:19:11,818
was an Italian exchange
student named Alejandro.

493
00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:13,020
He was from Rome.

494
00:19:13,020 --> 00:19:15,822
He spoke almost no English.

495
00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:17,624
And even though,
from opposite sides of the world,

496
00:19:17,624 --> 00:19:19,526
different men,
different upbringing,

497
00:19:19,526 --> 00:19:21,128
we felt the same.

498
00:19:21,128 --> 00:19:22,829
We were uncomfortable.

499
00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:24,765
It was a little room together,
we had no privacy,

500
00:19:24,765 --> 00:19:26,934
we had to change in front
of each other.

501
00:19:26,934 --> 00:19:32,306
Right? I don't want to see
Alejandro's hairy Italian chest.

502
00:19:32,306 --> 00:19:36,009
He didn't want to see
my giant Asian penis.

503
00:19:36,009 --> 00:19:37,177
- [MAN LAUGHS]
- Yeah, it's my story.

504
00:19:37,177 --> 00:19:38,312
I'm gonna tell the way
I want to tell it.

505
00:19:38,312 --> 00:19:39,279
It's my story.

506
00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:41,782
You know, we're all the same.

507
00:19:42,516 --> 00:19:44,685
We're all good at math.

508
00:19:44,685 --> 00:19:46,053
White people,
they're good at math, too.

509
00:19:46,053 --> 00:19:48,889
I also learned that in Ohio.

510
00:19:48,889 --> 00:19:50,357
You know, after the show,
Caucasian lady,

511
00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:51,859
very nice, came up to me,

512
00:19:51,859 --> 00:19:54,161
she goes, "Ed.
I'd like to introduce you to my family.

513
00:19:54,161 --> 00:19:56,563
"This is my first son
from my second marriage.

514
00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:58,332
"My second son
from my third marriage.

515
00:19:58,332 --> 00:20:00,000
"My third daughter
from my fourth marriage.

516
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,468
"My fourth daughter
from my second marriage."

517
00:20:01,468 --> 00:20:03,904
I'm like,
"This is advanced fractions.

518
00:20:03,904 --> 00:20:05,639
"You're very good at math."

519
00:20:05,639 --> 00:20:06,740
[MAN CHUCKLES]

520
00:20:07,841 --> 00:20:10,177
In all seriousness,

521
00:20:10,177 --> 00:20:11,578
you know, I say
we're all the same

522
00:20:11,578 --> 00:20:13,480
because we all have
the same thing.

523
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:17,050
We all have the power of choice.

524
00:20:18,018 --> 00:20:19,386
That's a human condition.

525
00:20:20,254 --> 00:20:21,388
Let me tell this story.

526
00:20:22,556 --> 00:20:24,858
My wife and I were driving
the other day,

527
00:20:24,858 --> 00:20:26,560
I'm driving,
she's in the passenger seat,

528
00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:28,095
and we get pulled over.

529
00:20:28,095 --> 00:20:31,031
Policeman walks to the car,
you know, looks at us, goes,

530
00:20:31,031 --> 00:20:33,901
"How long have you been
in this country?"

531
00:20:34,768 --> 00:20:35,769
Yeah.

532
00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:37,838
A lot of silence.

533
00:20:37,838 --> 00:20:39,506
We don't know what to say.

534
00:20:39,506 --> 00:20:40,841
My wife interjects, she goes,

535
00:20:40,841 --> 00:20:44,845
"Actually, Officer,
um, this is my car."

536
00:20:44,845 --> 00:20:48,182
The officer looks at her
and goes, "Oh, if this is your car,

537
00:20:48,182 --> 00:20:49,616
"I'm gonna let him go."

538
00:20:49,616 --> 00:20:52,753
And he walks away.
No citation, no warning.

539
00:20:52,753 --> 00:20:57,257
And that is the power of choice.

540
00:20:57,257 --> 00:20:59,359
'Cause ten years ago,
I chose to fall in love

541
00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:00,427
with a white woman,

542
00:21:00,427 --> 00:21:03,564
ten years later,
I saved myself $300.

543
00:21:03,564 --> 00:21:05,732
Yeah, let's be honest.
I'm dating a Black guy that day,

544
00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:07,568
we're all in jail.

545
00:21:07,568 --> 00:21:09,536
It's how society works.

546
00:21:09,536 --> 00:21:10,804
MAN: So, what do we do?

547
00:21:13,707 --> 00:21:19,279
I don't really know the answer,
but I can tell you what I do.

548
00:21:19,279 --> 00:21:21,615
You know, I meet
people all the time,

549
00:21:21,615 --> 00:21:23,584
from all over the world,

550
00:21:23,584 --> 00:21:26,119
and I make mistakes
all the time.

551
00:21:26,119 --> 00:21:28,488
And I just own it, fix it,
and I move on.

552
00:21:28,488 --> 00:21:29,823
I don't get bitter or angry.

553
00:21:29,823 --> 00:21:32,226
I just own it, fix it,
and move on.

554
00:21:33,594 --> 00:21:35,829
You know, a friend recently,
who's...

555
00:21:35,829 --> 00:21:37,831
who wants to go
to a Taiwanese wedding, she's never been,

556
00:21:37,831 --> 00:21:40,100
she goes,
"Ed, got to buy a clock, a very nice clock.

557
00:21:40,100 --> 00:21:41,668
"I'm gonna buy a very nice clock
for the couple."

558
00:21:41,668 --> 00:21:43,270
I'm like, "Take the clock.
Take it!"

559
00:21:43,270 --> 00:21:46,273
She goes to the wedding,
gets kicked out instantly.

560
00:21:46,273 --> 00:21:47,641
Yeah. She comes back, she says,

561
00:21:47,641 --> 00:21:49,243
"Ed, I don't understand
what happened."

562
00:21:49,243 --> 00:21:52,679
I'm like, "Well, if you buy
a clock for a Taiwanese couple,

563
00:21:52,679 --> 00:21:57,150
"it means you're wishing
death upon them."

564
00:21:57,150 --> 00:21:58,585
She's like,
"Why didn't you tell me?"

565
00:21:58,585 --> 00:22:00,621
I'm like, "Well, now you know.

566
00:22:00,621 --> 00:22:02,089
"You never forget."

567
00:22:02,089 --> 00:22:03,924
MAN: Okay. [LAUGHS]

568
00:22:05,025 --> 00:22:06,960
Just make your choices.

569
00:22:07,961 --> 00:22:09,696
Own your shit.

570
00:22:09,696 --> 00:22:12,132
Isn't that the way
we should live anyways?

571
00:22:12,132 --> 00:22:13,867
I saw Cousin Andy

572
00:22:13,867 --> 00:22:15,502
for the first time in two years
the other day.

573
00:22:15,502 --> 00:22:17,538
Cousin Andy got kind of fat.

574
00:22:17,538 --> 00:22:18,672
Nothing wrong with it.

575
00:22:18,672 --> 00:22:20,507
He's always been underweight.

576
00:22:20,507 --> 00:22:23,544
First time in history,
he's overweight.

577
00:22:23,544 --> 00:22:26,213
But he won't own it.
He deflects.

578
00:22:26,213 --> 00:22:27,648
I was trying to talk
to him about it.

579
00:22:27,648 --> 00:22:30,517
I was like, "Hey. So what's...
what's going on?"

580
00:22:30,517 --> 00:22:32,386
He goes,
"Ed, you don't understand.

581
00:22:32,386 --> 00:22:34,354
"I've been working from home."

582
00:22:34,354 --> 00:22:37,391
I'm like, "Do you live
in a gingerbread house?

583
00:22:37,391 --> 00:22:38,992
"What does that even mean?"

584
00:22:38,992 --> 00:22:40,694
Just own it. No one cares.

585
00:22:40,694 --> 00:22:43,063
Because if you want to
change something,

586
00:22:43,063 --> 00:22:44,331
you better accept it.

587
00:22:44,331 --> 00:22:45,799
You better see
what's in front of you,

588
00:22:45,799 --> 00:22:47,167
or it's never gonna change.

589
00:22:47,167 --> 00:22:49,636
Look, I was sitting down
with a friend the other day.

590
00:22:49,636 --> 00:22:52,806
She asked me a question
I wasn't ready for.

591
00:22:52,806 --> 00:22:57,077
She goes,
"Ed, what's your safe space?"

592
00:22:57,077 --> 00:22:59,179
I didn't know what that meant,
so I panicked. I was like,

593
00:22:59,179 --> 00:23:01,882
"Uh, Costco?"

594
00:23:01,882 --> 00:23:04,918
Which is not a healthy answer
for any human being.

595
00:23:04,918 --> 00:23:07,821
So I was like, "Ah, damn it.
I said something wrong.

596
00:23:07,821 --> 00:23:09,923
"She's gonna be offended,
right? Here we go."

597
00:23:09,923 --> 00:23:13,827
She leans back.
She goes, "Oh, hmm, makes sense.

598
00:23:13,827 --> 00:23:16,230
"Asians love Costco."

599
00:23:16,230 --> 00:23:18,599
I'm like, "I don't think
that's a stereotype."

600
00:23:18,599 --> 00:23:20,067
So, I googled it.

601
00:23:20,067 --> 00:23:21,768
It totally fucking is!

602
00:23:21,768 --> 00:23:23,370
Asians love Costco.

603
00:23:23,370 --> 00:23:26,006
There's an NBC News article
on how much Asians love Costco.

604
00:23:26,006 --> 00:23:27,341
It blew my mind.

605
00:23:27,341 --> 00:23:29,710
This whole time,
I thought I was buying

606
00:23:29,710 --> 00:23:33,213
a thousand Ziploc bags
'cause I'm economical.

607
00:23:33,213 --> 00:23:35,916
- Turns out, it's in my destiny.
- [MAN LAUGHS]

608
00:23:35,916 --> 00:23:38,218
Yeah, I go to Costco now,
I don't even show my card.

609
00:23:38,218 --> 00:23:39,520
I walk right in and say,

610
00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:41,688
"Look at my face.
I belong here.

611
00:23:41,688 --> 00:23:44,224
"And where's your shampoo?
I need more."

612
00:23:46,527 --> 00:23:47,728
I get it.

613
00:23:47,728 --> 00:23:49,363
You know, the truth
is very hard to hear.

614
00:23:49,363 --> 00:23:50,430
It's very hard to hear.

615
00:23:51,465 --> 00:23:52,966
I have a friend who's Jewish.

616
00:23:52,966 --> 00:23:55,469
I've known him
for a very long time.

617
00:23:55,469 --> 00:23:57,905
And I don't know anything
about his culture.

618
00:23:57,905 --> 00:23:59,806
So, recently, I have to say,
I sit down with him and say,

619
00:23:59,806 --> 00:24:01,742
"Hey, why don't you tell me
something about your culture?

620
00:24:01,742 --> 00:24:03,110
"I'd really like to know."

621
00:24:03,110 --> 00:24:05,045
And he goes,
"Ed, did you know

622
00:24:05,045 --> 00:24:07,614
"giraffes are kosher?"

623
00:24:07,614 --> 00:24:09,750
I'm like, "Is this where
we're gonna start?

624
00:24:09,750 --> 00:24:13,086
"And are you eating giraffes?
'Cause that's a bigger problem."

625
00:24:13,086 --> 00:24:14,721
And he went and explains,
he's like, "Oh, no!

626
00:24:14,721 --> 00:24:17,090
"You know, because
they chew their own cud. They have hooves."

627
00:24:17,090 --> 00:24:20,460
And I visibly look like
I don't wanna talk about this.

628
00:24:20,460 --> 00:24:22,629
So he sees that, he goes,
"Okay, fine, Ed.

629
00:24:22,629 --> 00:24:24,665
"What is something
that you wanna know,

630
00:24:24,665 --> 00:24:26,800
"you know, if people
eat all the time

631
00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:29,937
"that you may wanna know
if it's kosher or not?"

632
00:24:29,937 --> 00:24:31,271
I didn't wanna talk about this,

633
00:24:31,271 --> 00:24:33,307
so I looked at him and I said,

634
00:24:33,307 --> 00:24:35,843
- "Is your mom kosher?"
- [MAN LAUGHS]

635
00:24:35,843 --> 00:24:37,845
I know, it's a super asshole
thing to say,

636
00:24:37,845 --> 00:24:39,913
but that's what I do.
When I don't wanna talk about something,

637
00:24:39,913 --> 00:24:42,449
I just say the dumbest thing
so I can shut it down, you know?

638
00:24:42,449 --> 00:24:45,986
I was at my massage therapist's
office just earlier this week.

639
00:24:45,986 --> 00:24:48,422
It's very early in the morning.
I don't wanna talk.

640
00:24:48,422 --> 00:24:50,657
I walk in, she's all cheerful.

641
00:24:50,657 --> 00:24:53,760
She goes, "Ed, what would you
like me to focus on today?"

642
00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:55,362
I'm like, "Your job."

643
00:24:56,663 --> 00:24:59,099
So, now I don't have
a massage therapist.

644
00:24:59,099 --> 00:25:00,434
It was the wrong thing to say.

645
00:25:01,768 --> 00:25:03,270
You know, I've made mistakes.

646
00:25:04,204 --> 00:25:07,207
You know? I own it.

647
00:25:07,207 --> 00:25:10,277
When I was 17,
I took a shortcut.

648
00:25:10,277 --> 00:25:11,845
You know, at that time,

649
00:25:11,845 --> 00:25:15,015
there was this law
where you can take a driver's course,

650
00:25:15,015 --> 00:25:16,350
you can bypass all the steps

651
00:25:16,350 --> 00:25:18,552
and you get your license
right away.

652
00:25:18,552 --> 00:25:22,523
So, I took a course in Cantonese
and had a terrible time.

653
00:25:22,523 --> 00:25:24,291
My friend's like,
"Ed, is it because Asians

654
00:25:24,291 --> 00:25:26,026
"are teaching you how to drive?"

655
00:25:26,026 --> 00:25:29,563
I'm like,
"No, I don't speak Cantonese, you asshole."

656
00:25:29,563 --> 00:25:32,633
Only thing I know how to say
in Cantonese at that time is,

657
00:25:32,633 --> 00:25:35,502
"Diu lei lo mo,"
which means "Fuck your mom."

658
00:25:35,502 --> 00:25:37,004
I said the whole class.

659
00:25:38,505 --> 00:25:40,374
You know what I used to do?

660
00:25:40,374 --> 00:25:42,209
I used to steal Dad's porn.

661
00:25:42,209 --> 00:25:44,411
It's a mistake of a young man.

662
00:25:44,411 --> 00:25:47,848
I used to take the Playboy,
you know, look at it,

663
00:25:47,848 --> 00:25:50,083
and put it back
before anybody comes home,

664
00:25:50,083 --> 00:25:51,385
like nothing ever happened.

665
00:25:51,385 --> 00:25:54,221
So, one day,
everyone left the house, right?

666
00:25:54,221 --> 00:25:55,389
So, I went and grabbed
the Playboy,

667
00:25:55,389 --> 00:25:57,357
I sit in the living room,
I open it.

668
00:25:57,357 --> 00:26:00,394
I just hear this voice
from above, "Put it back!"

669
00:26:01,195 --> 00:26:05,399
I'm like, "Uh, God?"

670
00:26:05,399 --> 00:26:08,769
Turns out, Dad installed cameras
all over the house,

671
00:26:08,769 --> 00:26:11,271
and there's two-way microphones.
That's how dumb I am.

672
00:26:11,271 --> 00:26:13,407
I just pretend I was sleeping.

673
00:26:13,407 --> 00:26:15,609
So, I close my eyes,
lean back with a giant boner,

674
00:26:15,609 --> 00:26:17,077
like that's gonna fool anybody.

675
00:26:17,077 --> 00:26:18,345
[MAN LAUGHS]

676
00:26:22,349 --> 00:26:25,786
Do you know why I say
to own your shit?

677
00:26:25,786 --> 00:26:29,690
Because I don't believe
we're fragile people.

678
00:26:29,690 --> 00:26:32,593
I've yet to meet
one fragile person.

679
00:26:32,593 --> 00:26:34,127
See, I wasn't raised fragile.

680
00:26:34,127 --> 00:26:35,295
My first Christmas
here in Canada,

681
00:26:35,295 --> 00:26:37,030
I wanted to buy cookies
for Santa.

682
00:26:37,030 --> 00:26:39,366
I remember in the grocery store,
I wanted to ask,

683
00:26:39,366 --> 00:26:42,402
"Hey, Dad, can I buy cookies
for Santa?"

684
00:26:42,402 --> 00:26:43,904
He's like, "No!"

685
00:26:43,904 --> 00:26:45,706
I'm like, "Why not?"

686
00:26:45,706 --> 00:26:48,575
He's like, "'Cause Santa
likes cash."

687
00:26:50,277 --> 00:26:52,379
- I was like, "How do you know?"
- [MAN LAUGHS]

688
00:26:52,379 --> 00:26:54,581
He's like,
"'Cause I'm Santa Claus."

689
00:26:54,581 --> 00:26:55,916
Christmas was ruined.

690
00:26:57,317 --> 00:26:59,219
But he understood something.

691
00:26:59,219 --> 00:27:00,287
It was very simple.

692
00:27:00,287 --> 00:27:02,823
I see it now, too,
I'm getting older.

693
00:27:02,823 --> 00:27:05,626
You know, all that stuff
out there, especially right now?

694
00:27:05,626 --> 00:27:08,328
That doesn't matter.

695
00:27:08,328 --> 00:27:10,631
That's never gonna end.
There's always gonna be some stuff.

696
00:27:10,631 --> 00:27:13,433
What matters
is the little things.

697
00:27:13,433 --> 00:27:14,668
It's what Dad taught me.

698
00:27:14,668 --> 00:27:16,436
The most valuable thing

699
00:27:16,436 --> 00:27:19,673
you can give somebody
is your time.

700
00:27:19,673 --> 00:27:21,642
'Cause you can never
get that back.

701
00:27:21,642 --> 00:27:24,678
That's why every time
my wife comes to me and goes,

702
00:27:24,678 --> 00:27:27,848
"Hey, Ed, do you wanna watch
one of my TV shows with me,"

703
00:27:27,848 --> 00:27:29,850
it doesn't matter
what I'm doing,

704
00:27:29,850 --> 00:27:32,619
I'll drop everything
and I'll look at her and say,

705
00:27:32,619 --> 00:27:34,521
"Hell, no.

706
00:27:34,521 --> 00:27:36,690
"'Cause your shows are so bad,
they're all dating shows.

707
00:27:36,690 --> 00:27:38,192
"It's a waste of my life.
I'm sorry."

708
00:27:40,127 --> 00:27:41,094
You know...

709
00:27:43,630 --> 00:27:44,765
Am I scared?

710
00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:48,268
Terrified. I'm not gonna
lie to you.

711
00:27:49,503 --> 00:27:51,505
You know,
but I realized something.

712
00:27:51,505 --> 00:27:55,876
My faith is stronger
than my fear.

713
00:27:56,777 --> 00:27:58,212
I'm not religious, by the way.

714
00:27:58,212 --> 00:28:00,180
I know I look like a monk.
That's not what I'm saying.

715
00:28:00,180 --> 00:28:02,983
My faith is in all of us.

716
00:28:02,983 --> 00:28:05,552
I believe we have the wisdom
within us

717
00:28:05,552 --> 00:28:08,989
to make the most effective
choices ourself.

718
00:28:08,989 --> 00:28:13,060
It's in everyone's community.
It's in mine.

719
00:28:13,060 --> 00:28:17,397
Look, have you ever noticed
there's no Asian terrorists?

720
00:28:17,397 --> 00:28:18,966
'Cause we never make it.

721
00:28:18,966 --> 00:28:22,369
I can literally kidnap
99 people tonight,

722
00:28:22,369 --> 00:28:24,571
go back to Dad,
and he'll be like,

723
00:28:24,571 --> 00:28:26,406
"Why is not 100?"

724
00:28:26,406 --> 00:28:28,075
It's never good enough.

725
00:28:28,075 --> 00:28:30,210
And, to be honest,
if I did something like that,

726
00:28:30,210 --> 00:28:33,080
Dad would have killed me
before the policemen showed up.

727
00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:34,515
Police would be at the door
and be like,

728
00:28:34,515 --> 00:28:36,683
"Sir, we're here
to speak to your son.

729
00:28:36,683 --> 00:28:38,652
"He's been implicated
in a crime."

730
00:28:38,652 --> 00:28:41,221
Dad would be like,
"I don't have a son.

731
00:28:41,221 --> 00:28:42,589
"Somebody killed him."

732
00:28:43,824 --> 00:28:45,759
Policemen would be like,
"Oh, my God, who?

733
00:28:45,759 --> 00:28:46,827
"Who killed your son, sir?"

734
00:28:47,861 --> 00:28:49,997
- "Santa Claus."
- [MAN LAUGHS]

735
00:28:53,767 --> 00:28:55,235
I was seeing another
friend the other day,

736
00:28:55,235 --> 00:28:57,070
and he was like,

737
00:28:57,070 --> 00:28:59,072
"Ed, you tell people
we're all the same.

738
00:28:59,072 --> 00:29:01,041
"But look at you.
You're different.

739
00:29:01,041 --> 00:29:03,243
"You're from a different place.

740
00:29:03,243 --> 00:29:06,380
"You're obviously different."

741
00:29:06,380 --> 00:29:07,714
You need to remember this.

742
00:29:09,049 --> 00:29:14,555
If Taiwan is my father,
then Canada is my mother.

743
00:29:14,555 --> 00:29:16,390
I've been here longer
than I've been in Taiwan.

744
00:29:16,390 --> 00:29:17,925
I learned all my values here.

745
00:29:17,925 --> 00:29:21,261
And one value
that Canada taught me

746
00:29:21,261 --> 00:29:24,131
is that women
hold the true strength

747
00:29:24,131 --> 00:29:25,465
on this land.

748
00:29:25,465 --> 00:29:27,234
I'll tell you
three women in my life

749
00:29:27,234 --> 00:29:28,969
that demonstrated that.

750
00:29:28,969 --> 00:29:32,873
In 1942, at the height
of World War II,

751
00:29:32,873 --> 00:29:35,375
an 18-year-old woman
shifted from Taipei to Tokyo

752
00:29:35,375 --> 00:29:37,377
to help with the wars
on the front.

753
00:29:37,377 --> 00:29:39,146
As she crossed the strait,
the ship in front of her

754
00:29:39,146 --> 00:29:41,782
and behind her
were sunk by submarines.

755
00:29:41,782 --> 00:29:43,116
She got to Tokyo,
within a week,

756
00:29:43,116 --> 00:29:44,918
she's caught in
a Tokyo bombing.

757
00:29:44,918 --> 00:29:46,119
And she survived.

758
00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:49,456
That woman was Grandma.

759
00:29:50,824 --> 00:29:54,228
In 1972, an 18-year-old woman,

760
00:29:54,228 --> 00:29:58,999
after lifelong physical abuse
and unbelievable poverty,

761
00:29:58,999 --> 00:30:00,567
against all odds,

762
00:30:00,567 --> 00:30:03,837
decided to leave home
for the first time in her life

763
00:30:03,837 --> 00:30:05,172
to go to college.

764
00:30:06,006 --> 00:30:09,142
That woman is Mom.

765
00:30:09,142 --> 00:30:11,578
And in 2020,
at the height of the pandemic,

766
00:30:11,578 --> 00:30:14,281
a young Canadian woman,
who lived her entire life

767
00:30:14,281 --> 00:30:16,016
in a small town in Canada,

768
00:30:16,016 --> 00:30:19,586
who hasn't even heard of Taiwan,
took a chance at love

769
00:30:19,586 --> 00:30:21,522
on a young Taiwanese man

770
00:30:21,522 --> 00:30:24,791
who had aspirations
to be a comedian.

771
00:30:24,791 --> 00:30:26,927
That woman...

772
00:30:26,927 --> 00:30:28,695
is Henry's girlfriend.

773
00:30:28,695 --> 00:30:30,531
- [MAN LAUGHS]
- That's the true hero right there.

774
00:30:30,531 --> 00:30:32,299
Why would she date that guy?

775
00:30:32,299 --> 00:30:33,800
Dumped this shit
in your car, too?

776
00:30:35,435 --> 00:30:39,940
See, that dichotomy happens
in all areas of my life.

777
00:30:39,940 --> 00:30:42,042
Physically, I look
just like Dad.

778
00:30:43,043 --> 00:30:45,646
You know, psychologically,
I'm Mom.

779
00:30:45,646 --> 00:30:47,147
I have no sense of directions.

780
00:30:47,147 --> 00:30:49,816
If I'm driving and
I take the wrong turn,

781
00:30:49,816 --> 00:30:51,885
and I don't have access
to a GPS,

782
00:30:51,885 --> 00:30:54,221
I live there now.
That's my house.

783
00:30:54,221 --> 00:30:56,323
People are like,
"Ed, it can't be that bad."

784
00:30:56,323 --> 00:30:58,659
I'm like, I got lost
on my own street,

785
00:30:58,659 --> 00:31:00,127
and I live in a cul-de-sac.

786
00:31:02,129 --> 00:31:04,531
Mom's the same way.
It's genetic.

787
00:31:04,531 --> 00:31:07,000
Like, if her and I
are driving together,

788
00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:08,869
our final destination

789
00:31:08,869 --> 00:31:11,138
is one of the oceans.

790
00:31:11,138 --> 00:31:13,674
We were actually driving
the other day. We're in Florida.

791
00:31:13,674 --> 00:31:17,211
You know, she's driving,
I'm in the passenger seat.

792
00:31:17,211 --> 00:31:18,679
Trying to make it
easy for her, I was like,

793
00:31:18,679 --> 00:31:20,914
"Mom, just, when you
get on the highway,

794
00:31:20,914 --> 00:31:22,549
"just take Exit 70.

795
00:31:22,549 --> 00:31:25,018
"It's all you gotta do,
Exit 70. That's all."

796
00:31:25,018 --> 00:31:26,486
She goes, "Okay."

797
00:31:26,486 --> 00:31:28,088
Two minutes on the highway,

798
00:31:28,088 --> 00:31:29,857
she takes a sharp right turn,
cuts through every single lane,

799
00:31:29,857 --> 00:31:31,725
almost hits every single car,

800
00:31:31,725 --> 00:31:34,528
comes to a dead stop
on the side of the highway.

801
00:31:34,528 --> 00:31:37,030
I'm like, "What...
what are you doing?"

802
00:31:37,030 --> 00:31:39,833
She's like, "Exit 70."

803
00:31:39,833 --> 00:31:42,336
I'm like,
"That's the speed limit.

804
00:31:42,336 --> 00:31:44,238
"How do you not know this?"

805
00:31:44,238 --> 00:31:46,707
She's like, "I took a course
in Cantonese."

806
00:31:46,707 --> 00:31:48,408
I'm like, "I get it.

807
00:31:48,408 --> 00:31:50,177
I did the same thing."

808
00:31:50,177 --> 00:31:51,912
[MAN LAUGHING]

809
00:31:51,912 --> 00:31:53,247
See, all this time,

810
00:31:54,281 --> 00:31:57,384
I've just been glossing over

811
00:31:57,384 --> 00:31:59,253
the strength
of women in my life.

812
00:31:59,253 --> 00:32:01,255
I just thought
that's the way it was.

813
00:32:01,255 --> 00:32:02,789
Aunt Kitty
has a different last name

814
00:32:02,789 --> 00:32:03,891
than the rest of the family.

815
00:32:03,891 --> 00:32:05,225
I just thought
that's the way it was.

816
00:32:05,225 --> 00:32:07,261
Turns out, when they're young,
Grandma's so poor,

817
00:32:07,261 --> 00:32:10,464
she sold her to a richer family,
so she can have a better life.

818
00:32:11,265 --> 00:32:12,866
Isn't that incredible?

819
00:32:12,866 --> 00:32:14,801
Doesn't it make you think?

820
00:32:14,801 --> 00:32:16,603
How much money
would it cost you

821
00:32:16,603 --> 00:32:18,205
to give up what
you love the most?

822
00:32:19,106 --> 00:32:20,974
'Cause, look,

823
00:32:20,974 --> 00:32:23,744
I love my wife, I truly do,
from the bottom of my heart.

824
00:32:23,744 --> 00:32:27,414
But if somebody offered me
$50 billion?

825
00:32:27,414 --> 00:32:29,082
[INHALES]

826
00:32:29,082 --> 00:32:31,118
I mean, I wouldn't do it,
but you gotta think about it, right?

827
00:32:31,118 --> 00:32:32,252
You gotta think about it.

828
00:32:32,252 --> 00:32:33,654
I asked Mom that question.

829
00:32:33,654 --> 00:32:35,956
I was like, "Hey Mom, how much
would you sell Dad for?"

830
00:32:35,956 --> 00:32:37,157
She's like, "50 bucks."

831
00:32:37,157 --> 00:32:39,393
I'm like,
"You're the wrong person to ask."

832
00:32:39,393 --> 00:32:41,161
MAN: Mom is a strong woman.

833
00:32:41,161 --> 00:32:42,629
She has to be.

834
00:32:42,629 --> 00:32:43,897
She raised two sons.

835
00:32:45,299 --> 00:32:47,601
We're not the best kids either.
We're troublemakers.

836
00:32:47,601 --> 00:32:49,469
One year, Uncle came to visit.

837
00:32:49,469 --> 00:32:51,071
I pull Henry to the side,

838
00:32:51,071 --> 00:32:53,106
I was like, "Hey, why don't you
go tap Uncle on the balls?

839
00:32:53,106 --> 00:32:54,775
"Just go tap him on the balls."

840
00:32:54,775 --> 00:32:56,610
I was joking.
I wasn't even serious.

841
00:32:56,610 --> 00:32:58,145
He went and did it!

842
00:32:58,145 --> 00:32:59,746
Mom got so mad,
pulled me to the side,

843
00:32:59,746 --> 00:33:01,181
"Why would you tell him
to do that?

844
00:33:01,181 --> 00:33:02,950
"Why would you tell
your younger brother

845
00:33:02,950 --> 00:33:04,284
"to do something like that?"

846
00:33:04,284 --> 00:33:07,421
I'm like, "'Cause he's 25.

847
00:33:07,421 --> 00:33:09,923
"I thought, developmentally,
he could make his own choices.

848
00:33:09,923 --> 00:33:12,092
"How is this my problem?"

849
00:33:12,092 --> 00:33:15,529
But she's always taught us,
"Stand up for yourselves."

850
00:33:15,529 --> 00:33:17,798
In elementary school,
I got beat up every day.

851
00:33:17,798 --> 00:33:20,167
Every day, I got beat up.

852
00:33:20,167 --> 00:33:22,870
It got so bad, Mom had to
talk to the class.

853
00:33:22,870 --> 00:33:24,438
She sat in front of the class.
She'd be like,

854
00:33:24,438 --> 00:33:27,274
"Everybody, please, please,
don't touch Edward.

855
00:33:27,274 --> 00:33:28,675
"Don't touch Edward."

856
00:33:28,675 --> 00:33:30,310
And you know kids, right?
They're jerks.

857
00:33:30,310 --> 00:33:32,279
One of the kids
in the back of the class put their hand like,

858
00:33:32,279 --> 00:33:33,680
"Why can't we touch Edward?"

859
00:33:33,680 --> 00:33:35,115
Mom was like,
"'Cause he has herpes.

860
00:33:35,115 --> 00:33:36,550
"You want herpes on your hand?"

861
00:33:36,550 --> 00:33:38,151
I'm like, "Stop talking, Mom.
You're helping nobody."

862
00:33:40,454 --> 00:33:44,157
See, in 2020...

863
00:33:44,157 --> 00:33:47,160
I walked away from
a multi-million dollar TV show.

864
00:33:47,160 --> 00:33:49,363
It was a show about our family.

865
00:33:50,297 --> 00:33:51,732
I walked away because

866
00:33:52,833 --> 00:33:54,168
the director at that time

867
00:33:54,168 --> 00:33:57,905
wants to portray Mom
as someone who's a cheater

868
00:33:57,905 --> 00:33:59,740
and who had an affair
outside the family.

869
00:34:00,541 --> 00:34:01,742
Mom's a lot of things.

870
00:34:02,643 --> 00:34:03,710
She's not a cheater.

871
00:34:04,711 --> 00:34:06,680
I saw it with my own eyes.

872
00:34:06,680 --> 00:34:10,083
We were at the swimming
pool one time, a man came out to hit on her.

873
00:34:10,083 --> 00:34:12,186
He's like,
"Hey, can I get your number?"

874
00:34:12,186 --> 00:34:14,021
And Mom just
looks at him and goes,

875
00:34:14,021 --> 00:34:15,923
"You're ugly," and walked away.

876
00:34:17,691 --> 00:34:19,760
This is how strong she is.

877
00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:22,196
We're having a dinner party
the other day,

878
00:34:22,196 --> 00:34:24,097
and she's cooking.

879
00:34:24,097 --> 00:34:28,702
And for some freak accident,
the lid on the pot slid off

880
00:34:28,702 --> 00:34:30,204
and fell perpendicularly
to the ground

881
00:34:30,204 --> 00:34:32,072
and cut right through her foot.

882
00:34:32,072 --> 00:34:33,106
You know what we did next?

883
00:34:33,674 --> 00:34:35,242
We had dinner.

884
00:34:35,242 --> 00:34:37,377
Yeah, she just patched it up
and kept cooking.

885
00:34:37,377 --> 00:34:40,180
It was the most gangster thing
I've ever seen in my life.

886
00:34:40,180 --> 00:34:42,583
If I'm having a dinner party,
I cut myself,

887
00:34:42,583 --> 00:34:44,017
you're leaving.

888
00:34:44,017 --> 00:34:46,019
I don't care if you're
the Queen or the President,

889
00:34:46,019 --> 00:34:47,888
you better download Doordash.

890
00:34:49,089 --> 00:34:51,024
See...

891
00:34:51,024 --> 00:34:53,026
Mom always taught us
to stand up for ourselves.

892
00:34:53,026 --> 00:34:56,196
It's not easy, but it's right.

893
00:34:56,196 --> 00:34:58,732
You know, I went out
for ice cream one time

894
00:34:58,732 --> 00:34:59,867
when I was little,

895
00:34:59,867 --> 00:35:03,570
and my ice cream
was a little small.

896
00:35:03,570 --> 00:35:05,105
I just thought this was
the way it was.

897
00:35:05,105 --> 00:35:06,240
I was gonna walk away.
She goes,

898
00:35:06,240 --> 00:35:07,808
"No, you, go back in there.

899
00:35:07,808 --> 00:35:09,643
"Tell them you want
a bigger one."

900
00:35:09,643 --> 00:35:11,645
So, I went to Dairy Queen
and came out with a dip cone,

901
00:35:11,645 --> 00:35:13,747
a chocolate dip cone.

902
00:35:13,747 --> 00:35:15,082
You know, Mom saw that.
She's like,

903
00:35:15,082 --> 00:35:16,416
"Where did you get that?"

904
00:35:16,416 --> 00:35:18,452
I'm like, "Well,
I went to Dairy Queen

905
00:35:18,452 --> 00:35:19,987
"and I stood up for myself."

906
00:35:19,987 --> 00:35:22,789
She's like, "Yeah.
But we went to Mcdonald's.

907
00:35:22,789 --> 00:35:24,424
"Did you rob Dairy Queen?

908
00:35:24,424 --> 00:35:25,626
"How did you make this happen?"

909
00:35:27,594 --> 00:35:30,297
I wish I didn't say some things
to Mom, though, you know?

910
00:35:31,565 --> 00:35:33,467
You don't know. You're a kid.

911
00:35:35,235 --> 00:35:38,805
I used to watch Mom
make lunches for us.

912
00:35:39,606 --> 00:35:41,775
Immigrant moms, sometimes,

913
00:35:41,775 --> 00:35:43,610
lunch is a little different
than everybody else's.

914
00:35:43,610 --> 00:35:45,913
I used to go up to her and say,
"Mom, can you make a sandwich?"

915
00:35:46,747 --> 00:35:49,149
She never did.

916
00:35:49,149 --> 00:35:51,018
One time, I got so frustrated,
I went up to say,

917
00:35:51,018 --> 00:35:53,654
"Mom, why are you such a bitch?"

918
00:35:53,654 --> 00:35:55,923
And she went, "Fine!"

919
00:35:55,923 --> 00:35:57,291
She didn't cook anything
for a whole week.

920
00:35:57,291 --> 00:35:58,825
I gotta figure it out.

921
00:35:58,825 --> 00:36:00,827
And in the week,
I was so hungry.

922
00:36:00,827 --> 00:36:02,763
I went back to my mom,
"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I said that.

923
00:36:02,763 --> 00:36:04,531
"Can you please cook for me?

924
00:36:04,531 --> 00:36:06,934
"Please cook for me.
I'm so hungry."

925
00:36:06,934 --> 00:36:09,336
She goes, "Okay, you owned it.
I'll cook for you.

926
00:36:09,336 --> 00:36:11,171
"Can I ask you one question?"

927
00:36:12,105 --> 00:36:13,774
I'm like, "Yeah, what is it?"

928
00:36:14,341 --> 00:36:15,309
She's like...

929
00:36:16,310 --> 00:36:17,878
"Who's the bitch now?"

930
00:36:17,878 --> 00:36:19,012
[MAN LAUGHS]

931
00:36:19,012 --> 00:36:20,314
Strongest woman I know.

932
00:36:21,481 --> 00:36:22,683
She was wise.

933
00:36:24,985 --> 00:36:26,720
She taught me
the value of family.

934
00:36:28,522 --> 00:36:30,824
I'll tell you, my little family,
it's my wife and I,

935
00:36:30,824 --> 00:36:32,693
and we have a dog.

936
00:36:32,693 --> 00:36:34,194
And I tell people I have a dog,

937
00:36:34,194 --> 00:36:35,696
people who don't have a dog
always ask the same things.

938
00:36:35,696 --> 00:36:38,232
Like, "Ed, is it fun
to have a dog?"

939
00:36:38,232 --> 00:36:42,002
I'm like, "It's fun if you like
direct eye contact all the time."

940
00:36:42,002 --> 00:36:43,570
She's always looking at me,
I don't know why.

941
00:36:43,570 --> 00:36:46,006
Some mornings I wake up like,
"Do I owe you money?

942
00:36:46,006 --> 00:36:48,675
"Why are you staring at me?"

943
00:36:48,675 --> 00:36:49,743
People don't believe you!

944
00:36:49,743 --> 00:36:50,978
They're like, "No, Ed,
it's like having

945
00:36:50,978 --> 00:36:52,379
"a best friend in the house."

946
00:36:52,379 --> 00:36:53,981
I'm like, "No."

947
00:36:53,981 --> 00:36:56,216
What type of friend
wipes their ass on your carpet?

948
00:36:56,216 --> 00:36:57,317
That's not a friend.

949
00:36:57,317 --> 00:36:58,652
My friends don't do that.

950
00:36:59,753 --> 00:37:01,054
I have a Chihuahua, too.

951
00:37:01,054 --> 00:37:03,023
So, it's just a little dog.
No personal space.

952
00:37:03,023 --> 00:37:05,225
Every time I'm eating,
she's right next to me.

953
00:37:05,225 --> 00:37:06,660
Like, she's saying,
"What are you having?

954
00:37:06,660 --> 00:37:08,595
"What are you having?
What are you having?"

955
00:37:08,595 --> 00:37:11,832
I'm like, "I'm having the urge
to get a cat.

956
00:37:11,832 --> 00:37:14,334
"Back up, six feet."

957
00:37:14,334 --> 00:37:15,903
I read something
on the Internet the other day.

958
00:37:15,903 --> 00:37:17,571
I don't know
if you ever read this.

959
00:37:17,571 --> 00:37:19,573
Apparently, if you die

960
00:37:19,573 --> 00:37:23,076
and nobody finds you,
in five days,

961
00:37:23,076 --> 00:37:24,244
your dog will eat you.

962
00:37:25,245 --> 00:37:26,680
I'm like, "Oh, my God.

963
00:37:26,680 --> 00:37:29,416
"There's no way my dog
would wait that long.

964
00:37:29,416 --> 00:37:30,517
"There's no way."

965
00:37:30,517 --> 00:37:31,785
I had ketchup on my hand
the other day,

966
00:37:31,785 --> 00:37:32,886
she bit me right away.

967
00:37:32,886 --> 00:37:34,087
You know what I mean?

968
00:37:35,556 --> 00:37:37,391
But I see myself in her.

969
00:37:37,391 --> 00:37:38,959
I never thought
this would happen.

970
00:37:38,959 --> 00:37:40,727
I thought she's an animal.

971
00:37:40,727 --> 00:37:42,062
But she has this attitude.

972
00:37:42,062 --> 00:37:43,130
She's like,
"I just take care of myself."

973
00:37:43,130 --> 00:37:45,098
She doesn't like the vet
or the clinic.

974
00:37:45,098 --> 00:37:46,934
I'm like, "That's me."

975
00:37:46,934 --> 00:37:49,937
I don't like going to
the doctor's or the hospital.

976
00:37:49,937 --> 00:37:52,306
And it's not a good attitude.

977
00:37:52,306 --> 00:37:54,641
Uncle died is in his early 40's
from nasal cancer.

978
00:37:54,641 --> 00:37:56,577
I should be screened.
I don't go.

979
00:37:56,577 --> 00:38:00,247
I'm gonna ruin our family's day
very badly one day.

980
00:38:00,247 --> 00:38:01,815
So I'm like, "You know what?
I can't do this."

981
00:38:01,815 --> 00:38:03,450
I booked an appointment
with a doctor.

982
00:38:03,450 --> 00:38:04,818
He was late, by the way.

983
00:38:04,818 --> 00:38:06,286
He came with this big metal bar.

984
00:38:06,286 --> 00:38:08,155
He goes,
"Ed, we're gonna take a look in your mouth."

985
00:38:08,155 --> 00:38:11,458
I'm like, "Yeah, I'm ready.
Do what you're gonna do."

986
00:38:11,458 --> 00:38:13,560
He shoves the bar
down my throat.

987
00:38:13,560 --> 00:38:15,462
I wasn't ready for that.
I'm there gagging.

988
00:38:15,462 --> 00:38:17,231
[MIMICS GAGGING]
He pulls it out. He goes,

989
00:38:17,231 --> 00:38:19,233
"Oh, Ed, how do you feel?"

990
00:38:19,233 --> 00:38:23,470
I'm like, "I feel like
apologizing to my wife."

991
00:38:23,470 --> 00:38:25,606
MAN: Too much info, Ed.

992
00:38:34,248 --> 00:38:36,583
I can be a better husband.

993
00:38:36,583 --> 00:38:39,119
I had this
"A-ha" moment recently.

994
00:38:39,119 --> 00:38:40,954
Went to a financial
advisor's office.

995
00:38:40,954 --> 00:38:42,155
We're sitting there.

996
00:38:42,155 --> 00:38:43,690
My financial advisor
turns to me and goes,

997
00:38:43,690 --> 00:38:46,793
"Ed, what are your
retirement plans?"

998
00:38:46,793 --> 00:38:50,597
I'm like,
"I was just gonna die."

999
00:38:50,597 --> 00:38:51,765
Yeah, that's my whole plan.

1000
00:38:51,765 --> 00:38:53,300
I was gonna use up
all my money and die.

1001
00:38:53,300 --> 00:38:56,436
My wife's like, "What about me?"
I'm like, "That's up to you.

1002
00:38:56,436 --> 00:38:59,339
"You're an independent women.
You can figure it out."

1003
00:38:59,339 --> 00:39:00,841
You know why I said that?

1004
00:39:00,841 --> 00:39:03,877
Because I'm not
a money person. I'm not.

1005
00:39:03,877 --> 00:39:06,146
Now, here's the thing.
She never quits.

1006
00:39:06,146 --> 00:39:08,315
You know, she tries
to involve me,

1007
00:39:08,315 --> 00:39:11,285
even if she knows I can't do it.

1008
00:39:11,285 --> 00:39:14,321
She was trying to talk to me
about investments the other day.

1009
00:39:14,321 --> 00:39:16,023
And she's like, "Ed, we got
some money left over.

1010
00:39:16,023 --> 00:39:18,692
"Would you like to put it
in bonds or stocks?"

1011
00:39:18,692 --> 00:39:19,960
I wasn't even listening.

1012
00:39:19,960 --> 00:39:21,361
I was giving her, like,
a no answer.

1013
00:39:21,361 --> 00:39:22,996
I'm like, "Yeah, sometimes
in life, you just gotta do

1014
00:39:22,996 --> 00:39:24,631
"what you got to do, right?"

1015
00:39:24,631 --> 00:39:26,300
She's like, "No, Ed,
I want one suggestion from you today.

1016
00:39:26,300 --> 00:39:27,801
"You never suggest anything.

1017
00:39:27,801 --> 00:39:30,070
"I want one suggestion
from you today."

1018
00:39:30,070 --> 00:39:31,471
So I said, true story,

1019
00:39:31,471 --> 00:39:34,041
I said, 'Why don't we
just buy gold

1020
00:39:34,041 --> 00:39:35,509
"and put it in the closet?

1021
00:39:35,509 --> 00:39:37,244
She's like, "What,
are you a fucking dragon?

1022
00:39:37,244 --> 00:39:38,979
"What type of idea is this?"

1023
00:39:38,979 --> 00:39:41,515
I don't know.
I would divorce me at this point.

1024
00:39:41,515 --> 00:39:43,183
I dropped an entire
rotisserie chicken

1025
00:39:43,183 --> 00:39:44,318
on the ground the other day.

1026
00:39:44,318 --> 00:39:45,686
Yeah, entire chicken.

1027
00:39:45,686 --> 00:39:47,421
Yeah, I'm gonna try
to put it back.

1028
00:39:47,421 --> 00:39:48,555
She's like,
"What are you doing?"

1029
00:39:48,555 --> 00:39:50,324
I'm like,
"It's the five-second rule.

1030
00:39:50,324 --> 00:39:51,525
"It's still good."

1031
00:39:51,525 --> 00:39:53,527
She's like,
"Yeah, we're in the parking lot.

1032
00:39:53,527 --> 00:39:55,229
"Do you want me to eat
gravel chicken?"

1033
00:39:56,530 --> 00:40:00,200
People ask me,
"Ed, is she your soulmate?"

1034
00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:02,936
I'm like, she's my checkmate,
I'll tell you that.

1035
00:40:02,936 --> 00:40:06,106
She's not mean. She's very nice.

1036
00:40:06,106 --> 00:40:10,010
She just knows me
better than I know myself.

1037
00:40:10,010 --> 00:40:12,045
We went on a little date
recently, ice cream place.

1038
00:40:12,045 --> 00:40:13,547
It was very cute.

1039
00:40:13,547 --> 00:40:15,415
I'm looking at the menu,
I'm like, "You know what?

1040
00:40:15,415 --> 00:40:17,751
"I'm gonna get
pistachio ice cream."

1041
00:40:17,751 --> 00:40:19,753
She's like,
"You're not gonna like that."

1042
00:40:19,753 --> 00:40:21,054
Immediately, I get defensive.

1043
00:40:21,054 --> 00:40:22,422
"You don't know me.
I'm my own man.

1044
00:40:22,422 --> 00:40:23,957
"You don't know me."

1045
00:40:23,957 --> 00:40:27,394
So, ordered it, took one bite,
fucking hated it.

1046
00:40:27,394 --> 00:40:29,096
She's like, "I told you."

1047
00:40:29,096 --> 00:40:31,632
I'm like, "How did you know?"

1048
00:40:31,632 --> 00:40:33,267
She's like, "'Cause you ordered
this last week."

1049
00:40:33,267 --> 00:40:34,768
"You've done this
three times in a row."

1050
00:40:34,768 --> 00:40:36,603
- [MAN CHUCKLES]
- "I don't know what's wrong with you."

1051
00:40:37,604 --> 00:40:38,639
I do this all the time.

1052
00:40:40,073 --> 00:40:41,909
Called my credit card
the other day.

1053
00:40:41,909 --> 00:40:43,043
Agent on the phone is like,

1054
00:40:43,043 --> 00:40:44,444
"Sir, can I get
your account number?"

1055
00:40:44,444 --> 00:40:46,146
I gave him a ten-digit number.

1056
00:40:46,146 --> 00:40:50,117
Agent's like, "Sir,
that is not enough digits."

1057
00:40:50,117 --> 00:40:52,252
I'm like,
"Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

1058
00:40:52,252 --> 00:40:53,987
"That's my wife's phone number.

1059
00:40:53,987 --> 00:40:56,223
"I need you to call her
and ask for the account number

1060
00:40:56,223 --> 00:40:58,125
"'cause I have no clue
what the hell is going on right now."

1061
00:40:59,092 --> 00:41:01,094
But you know what I realized?

1062
00:41:01,094 --> 00:41:02,296
You just need to know one thing.

1063
00:41:03,797 --> 00:41:04,965
MAN: What's that?

1064
00:41:07,100 --> 00:41:10,470
I just need to know
how she makes me feel.

1065
00:41:11,672 --> 00:41:12,739
She makes me feel safe.

1066
00:41:13,507 --> 00:41:14,575
I need her.

1067
00:41:15,843 --> 00:41:17,411
I need someone in my life

1068
00:41:17,411 --> 00:41:20,781
who is willing to read
instruction manuals.

1069
00:41:20,781 --> 00:41:22,416
Yeah, I don't read any of that.

1070
00:41:22,416 --> 00:41:23,817
That's the first thing
I throw out with everything I open.

1071
00:41:23,817 --> 00:41:25,452
We got some
Ikea furniture recently.

1072
00:41:25,452 --> 00:41:26,920
It's sitting in the living room.

1073
00:41:26,920 --> 00:41:28,088
You know, she left. I'm like,

1074
00:41:28,088 --> 00:41:29,656
"I'm just gonna
build it," right?

1075
00:41:29,656 --> 00:41:31,158
I threw out the instructions
right away.

1076
00:41:31,158 --> 00:41:33,861
I'm like, "I don't need this.
I build Legos."

1077
00:41:33,861 --> 00:41:36,430
So, I finished the shelf.
It's a very nice shelf.

1078
00:41:36,430 --> 00:41:38,632
She comes back and she goes,
"Ed, what is this?"

1079
00:41:38,632 --> 00:41:39,833
I'm like,
"It's the shelf we just bought.

1080
00:41:39,833 --> 00:41:41,502
Isn't it nice?"

1081
00:41:41,502 --> 00:41:44,004
She's like, "Yeah, it's supposed
to be seven chairs.

1082
00:41:44,004 --> 00:41:45,873
"How did it turn to one shelf?"

1083
00:41:45,873 --> 00:41:47,941
I'm like, "Just be glad
it's not a pirate ship.

1084
00:41:47,941 --> 00:41:49,776
- "I build Legos."
- [MAN LAUGHS]

1085
00:41:50,944 --> 00:41:52,446
I...

1086
00:41:52,446 --> 00:41:54,348
I realized I've been focusing
on the wrong things.

1087
00:41:56,116 --> 00:41:58,018
You know, I focus on romance.

1088
00:41:58,018 --> 00:42:00,888
That's paint. It'll fade.

1089
00:42:00,888 --> 00:42:02,856
You know what I did
on my first date with my wife?

1090
00:42:02,856 --> 00:42:04,625
I rented a music studio,

1091
00:42:04,625 --> 00:42:06,193
and I sang her
a song that I wrote.

1092
00:42:06,994 --> 00:42:08,462
Super romantic, isn't it?

1093
00:42:09,496 --> 00:42:11,365
Dumbest idea ever.

1094
00:42:11,365 --> 00:42:12,966
Because bar is way up here now.

1095
00:42:12,966 --> 00:42:14,968
Every time we go out for dinner,
she's sitting there, she goes,

1096
00:42:14,968 --> 00:42:18,238
"So, Ed, are you gonna
sing tonight?"

1097
00:42:18,238 --> 00:42:20,073
I'm like, "What am I,
a Disney princess?"

1098
00:42:20,741 --> 00:42:22,142
Yeah, here's a song.

1099
00:42:22,142 --> 00:42:23,410
♪ Let it go ♪

1100
00:42:24,978 --> 00:42:29,550
Because it's honesty
that keeps things together.

1101
00:42:29,550 --> 00:42:31,985
Mom and Dad have been
together for 40 years.

1102
00:42:31,985 --> 00:42:33,754
Forty years, four-zero.

1103
00:42:33,754 --> 00:42:37,257
They went for a hike recently,
got chased by a bear.

1104
00:42:37,257 --> 00:42:38,926
I went to Dad, I'm like,
"Dad, were you worried?"

1105
00:42:38,926 --> 00:42:40,360
He's like, "No."

1106
00:42:40,360 --> 00:42:42,329
I'm like, "How were you
so calm?"

1107
00:42:42,329 --> 00:42:44,831
He's like, "'Cause I know
I run faster than your mom."

1108
00:42:45,566 --> 00:42:47,367
I'm like, that's honesty.

1109
00:42:49,002 --> 00:42:50,604
Don't lie.

1110
00:42:50,604 --> 00:42:52,673
I know it's easy. Don't do it.

1111
00:42:53,707 --> 00:42:55,676
I used to lie to my wife.

1112
00:42:55,676 --> 00:42:57,211
You know what I told her
when I first met her?

1113
00:42:57,211 --> 00:42:59,346
I told her
I liked country music.

1114
00:42:59,346 --> 00:43:01,114
I don't like country music.

1115
00:43:01,114 --> 00:43:02,216
She even busted me, too.

1116
00:43:02,216 --> 00:43:03,517
She's like, "Oh, yeah?
What country?"

1117
00:43:04,184 --> 00:43:06,086
I'm like, "Taiwan.

1118
00:43:06,086 --> 00:43:07,754
"It's an independent,
democratic country."

1119
00:43:09,089 --> 00:43:11,091
You know why I say don't lie?

1120
00:43:11,091 --> 00:43:12,593
'Cause it's a blessing
to be loved.

1121
00:43:13,760 --> 00:43:16,396
See, I do this silly
little thing.

1122
00:43:16,396 --> 00:43:18,398
Every card I get,
Christmas card,

1123
00:43:18,398 --> 00:43:20,133
thank-you card,

1124
00:43:20,133 --> 00:43:21,568
birthday cards.
I kept all of it.

1125
00:43:21,568 --> 00:43:23,770
I have hundreds
of cards at home.

1126
00:43:23,770 --> 00:43:25,105
And people always ask me,

1127
00:43:25,105 --> 00:43:27,641
"Ed, what are you gonna do
with all these cards?"

1128
00:43:27,641 --> 00:43:29,543
Well, there's gonna be
a moment in the future.

1129
00:43:29,543 --> 00:43:31,078
I'm gonna sit down
my kid and be like,

1130
00:43:31,078 --> 00:43:33,380
- "One day,
this will all be yours." - [MAN CHUCKLES]

1131
00:43:33,380 --> 00:43:35,249
"And there's some shampoo
in the back.

1132
00:43:35,249 --> 00:43:36,884
"Your granddad gave us those.

1133
00:43:36,884 --> 00:43:38,585
"It's all garbage.
I don't want it. Take it."

1134
00:43:40,721 --> 00:43:42,956
Because I know what's it like
not to be loved.

1135
00:43:44,758 --> 00:43:47,394
The last relationship
with the woman I was with,

1136
00:43:47,394 --> 00:43:52,499
she told me I wasn't good enough
on the night of the proposal.

1137
00:43:53,433 --> 00:43:55,235
I had to take the ring back.

1138
00:43:55,235 --> 00:43:57,504
It was way past policy.

1139
00:43:57,504 --> 00:44:00,073
She was very nice.
She goes, "Ed, I understand.

1140
00:44:00,073 --> 00:44:03,110
"I know what's going on.
You don't have to say anything.

1141
00:44:03,110 --> 00:44:05,612
"Just stand there. I got it.
Don't worry."

1142
00:44:06,914 --> 00:44:09,183
Big purchase,
big refund. Took forever.

1143
00:44:09,183 --> 00:44:10,951
I felt terrible.

1144
00:44:10,951 --> 00:44:12,085
So, I started a conversation.

1145
00:44:12,085 --> 00:44:13,253
I said,
"Hey, this happened a lot?

1146
00:44:13,253 --> 00:44:14,788
"Do people bring rings
back all the time?

1147
00:44:14,788 --> 00:44:17,024
"Does this happen all the time?"

1148
00:44:17,024 --> 00:44:18,292
I just remember
she looked at me

1149
00:44:18,292 --> 00:44:19,593
with the kindest eyes and said,

1150
00:44:20,527 --> 00:44:21,495
"Never."

1151
00:44:22,796 --> 00:44:24,765
I was broken.

1152
00:44:24,765 --> 00:44:27,100
But beauty belongs
to the broken.

1153
00:44:27,100 --> 00:44:29,770
Nothing teaches you acceptance
like a heartbreak.

1154
00:44:31,138 --> 00:44:33,507
I'll tell you
my first heartbreaks.

1155
00:44:33,507 --> 00:44:35,676
It was the last summer
of my high school.

1156
00:44:35,676 --> 00:44:38,378
That summer, I fell in love
with a girl named Whitney.

1157
00:44:38,378 --> 00:44:42,883
And Whitney lived about
six hours away from me.

1158
00:44:42,883 --> 00:44:45,986
So, that summer I begged Dad
to buy me a bus ticket

1159
00:44:45,986 --> 00:44:48,722
and a place to stay,
so I could go see her.

1160
00:44:48,722 --> 00:44:51,992
To my surprise, he agreed.

1161
00:44:51,992 --> 00:44:55,162
I took the bus there.
Whitney's there to pick me up.

1162
00:44:55,162 --> 00:44:57,865
With a brand-new boyfriend
named Matthew.

1163
00:44:58,999 --> 00:45:02,002
It was a terrible weekend.
So lonely.

1164
00:45:02,002 --> 00:45:06,139
I took the bus back,
Dad's there picking me up. I get in the car.

1165
00:45:06,139 --> 00:45:08,976
He looks at me, he goes,
"No good, huh?"

1166
00:45:08,976 --> 00:45:11,845
And I'm like,
is this a father's intuition?

1167
00:45:11,845 --> 00:45:15,682
Am I having a father-son moment
for the first time in my life?

1168
00:45:15,682 --> 00:45:17,918
It turns out, Whitney called
the house a week ago

1169
00:45:17,918 --> 00:45:19,853
and left a voicemail saying
she has a new boyfriend.

1170
00:45:19,853 --> 00:45:22,489
Dad heard it, never told me.

1171
00:45:22,489 --> 00:45:25,592
Yeah, but it was
a beautiful moment.

1172
00:45:25,592 --> 00:45:27,728
Because the thing I don't
want to happen happened,

1173
00:45:28,662 --> 00:45:29,930
and I was okay.

1174
00:45:30,898 --> 00:45:33,834
In fact, I was so okay,

1175
00:45:33,834 --> 00:45:35,569
I became a goth.

1176
00:45:35,569 --> 00:45:37,037
[MAN CHUCKLES]

1177
00:45:37,037 --> 00:45:39,573
You can't be Asian and a goth.
Doesn't make any sense.

1178
00:45:39,573 --> 00:45:42,376
I have to put on makeup
to become white.

1179
00:45:42,376 --> 00:45:45,012
Like every time
I walk out of the room, Dad would be like,

1180
00:45:45,012 --> 00:45:46,914
"Are you a geisha?
We're not Japanese."

1181
00:45:48,081 --> 00:45:51,018
MAN: It's truly a blessing
to be loved.

1182
00:45:53,253 --> 00:45:54,922
HILL: It is.

1183
00:45:54,922 --> 00:45:56,423
That's why if you love me...

1184
00:45:57,558 --> 00:46:01,395
today, I thank you.

1185
00:46:01,395 --> 00:46:03,964
I truly do.
I know we just met, but I thank you.

1186
00:46:03,964 --> 00:46:07,401
You gave me your time.
That's all I need.

1187
00:46:07,401 --> 00:46:09,036
And if you hate me,
just know this...

1188
00:46:10,137 --> 00:46:13,307
I'm rooting for you. I am.

1189
00:46:13,307 --> 00:46:16,076
Because hate is not an emotion,
it's a choice.

1190
00:46:16,076 --> 00:46:18,245
You made a very
difficult choice.

1191
00:46:19,446 --> 00:46:21,548
Recently,
I was having a conversation

1192
00:46:21,548 --> 00:46:22,983
with a gentleman from Ireland.

1193
00:46:22,983 --> 00:46:24,484
He just got here
a few weeks ago.

1194
00:46:24,484 --> 00:46:27,287
He just landed.
We had a great talk.

1195
00:46:27,287 --> 00:46:30,290
And the most incredible
part of our talk

1196
00:46:30,290 --> 00:46:33,227
is the whole time
he was talking,

1197
00:46:33,227 --> 00:46:36,930
I did not understand
a single word that came out of his mouth.

1198
00:46:36,930 --> 00:46:38,665
His accent's way too thick.

1199
00:46:38,665 --> 00:46:40,501
The whole time he was talking,

1200
00:46:40,501 --> 00:46:41,835
I was thinking about...

1201
00:46:42,436 --> 00:46:43,504
Lucky Charms.

1202
00:46:44,571 --> 00:46:46,673
But I had a choice to make.

1203
00:46:46,673 --> 00:46:49,176
I can either listen
to this person

1204
00:46:49,176 --> 00:46:53,447
and think about leprechauns
and marshmallows...

1205
00:46:53,447 --> 00:46:56,650
or I can look this
very white man in the face and say,

1206
00:46:56,650 --> 00:46:58,652
"Speak English.
You're in my country now."

1207
00:46:58,652 --> 00:47:00,621
[MAN LAUGHS]

1208
00:47:02,923 --> 00:47:04,791
You know what's the most
interesting thing?

1209
00:47:04,791 --> 00:47:06,159
Is the hardest person
to love...

1210
00:47:07,327 --> 00:47:08,428
is yourself.

1211
00:47:09,596 --> 00:47:11,698
Yeah. I don't take care
of myself.

1212
00:47:11,698 --> 00:47:13,667
You know those 99 cent
tacos at Taco Bell?

1213
00:47:13,667 --> 00:47:15,936
I look at them, like,
"Oh, my God, for $10,

1214
00:47:15,936 --> 00:47:19,039
"I can have diarrhea."

1215
00:47:19,039 --> 00:47:21,475
You know,
I haven't gone to the gym for a long time, too.

1216
00:47:22,276 --> 00:47:23,477
People ask me, "Ed,

1217
00:47:23,477 --> 00:47:25,045
"is it because
of the lockdown?"

1218
00:47:25,045 --> 00:47:27,214
I'm like,
"The lockdown during 2012?

1219
00:47:27,214 --> 00:47:28,682
"Because that's how long
it's been."

1220
00:47:29,850 --> 00:47:32,519
And I went back recently. I did.

1221
00:47:32,519 --> 00:47:34,388
And again,
I didn't take care of myself,

1222
00:47:34,388 --> 00:47:37,958
didn't pace myself.
I passed out on the bench press.

1223
00:47:37,958 --> 00:47:39,526
Yeah. The trainer
had to come revive me.

1224
00:47:39,526 --> 00:47:42,029
He gave me oxygen. Woke me up.

1225
00:47:42,029 --> 00:47:44,164
He gave me a banana.
He goes, "Eat it."

1226
00:47:44,164 --> 00:47:47,201
I'm like, "It's okay.
I'm just gonna go home."

1227
00:47:47,201 --> 00:47:49,903
He goes, "No, eat it
or you can't go home."

1228
00:47:49,903 --> 00:47:52,206
So, at this point,
the entire gym is staring at us,

1229
00:47:52,206 --> 00:47:55,142
and this super buff guy
is just forcing me to eat a banana.

1230
00:47:55,142 --> 00:47:57,477
So. I ate it so I could go home.

1231
00:47:57,477 --> 00:47:58,679
So, now I can...

1232
00:47:58,679 --> 00:48:00,981
Now I can never go back,
'cause I'm that guy.

1233
00:48:00,981 --> 00:48:02,349
I'm the banana guy.

1234
00:48:04,351 --> 00:48:06,320
Because I have this mentality.

1235
00:48:06,320 --> 00:48:07,988
It's a dangerous mentality.

1236
00:48:07,988 --> 00:48:09,323
Walk it off, right?

1237
00:48:10,090 --> 00:48:11,191
That'll kill you one day.

1238
00:48:12,392 --> 00:48:15,362
See, a year ago,
I got rear ended,

1239
00:48:16,196 --> 00:48:17,898
and I just walked it off.

1240
00:48:17,898 --> 00:48:21,502
I didn't go to physio
or massage.

1241
00:48:21,502 --> 00:48:24,071
And four weeks later,
I was in so much pain,

1242
00:48:24,071 --> 00:48:25,105
I couldn't get up.

1243
00:48:26,440 --> 00:48:27,841
And this is how stubborn I am.

1244
00:48:27,841 --> 00:48:30,444
I convinced myself
I had kidney stones,

1245
00:48:30,444 --> 00:48:33,013
so I drank a shit-ton of water.

1246
00:48:33,013 --> 00:48:36,550
So, that night I went to bed,
I couldn't get up,

1247
00:48:36,550 --> 00:48:38,752
- so I pissed the bed.
- [MAN LAUGHS]

1248
00:48:38,752 --> 00:48:40,020
I woke my wife up.

1249
00:48:40,020 --> 00:48:41,455
She touched the moisture,
she wakes.

1250
00:48:41,455 --> 00:48:43,423
She says,
"Oh, my God, are you okay?"

1251
00:48:43,423 --> 00:48:47,060
I'm like, "Whatever you do,
don't tell Dad.

1252
00:48:47,060 --> 00:48:48,061
"Just don't tell Dad."

1253
00:48:50,397 --> 00:48:53,233
The first step
to becoming a person

1254
00:48:53,233 --> 00:48:54,902
is to embrace your humanity.

1255
00:48:56,270 --> 00:48:57,604
I'm gonna tell you
something right now

1256
00:48:57,604 --> 00:48:58,972
that might change your
opinion of who I am,

1257
00:48:58,972 --> 00:49:00,307
but I'm gonna tell you anyways.

1258
00:49:01,074 --> 00:49:03,043
I'm not truthful.

1259
00:49:03,043 --> 00:49:04,945
I tell people what
they want to hear,

1260
00:49:04,945 --> 00:49:05,913
so they'll like me.

1261
00:49:07,114 --> 00:49:08,448
I tell people I like pizza.

1262
00:49:09,216 --> 00:49:10,217
I hate pizza.

1263
00:49:11,585 --> 00:49:12,920
I get a million questions.
People like,

1264
00:49:12,920 --> 00:49:15,956
"Ed, how about cheesy bread?"

1265
00:49:15,956 --> 00:49:18,592
And I'm like, "That's just
part of the pizza."

1266
00:49:18,592 --> 00:49:20,561
That's like somebody told you.
"Hey, I don't like penis."

1267
00:49:20,561 --> 00:49:21,828
You're like,
"How about foreskin?"

1268
00:49:21,828 --> 00:49:24,398
It's the same thing.
It's the same structure.

1269
00:49:24,398 --> 00:49:26,834
Henry doesn't even believe me.
You know what he did? I told him.

1270
00:49:26,834 --> 00:49:28,769
He bought a bunch
of Domino's pizza.

1271
00:49:28,769 --> 00:49:30,904
He goes, "Ed, eat this,
you'll change your mind."

1272
00:49:32,272 --> 00:49:34,408
I'm like, "That's not how
you convince somebody."

1273
00:49:34,408 --> 00:49:36,109
That's like if you don't
like sushi, I'm like,

1274
00:49:36,109 --> 00:49:38,412
"You know where
we're going? 7-Eleven.

1275
00:49:38,412 --> 00:49:40,147
"We're gonna have
some salmonella rolls."

1276
00:49:41,281 --> 00:49:43,784
MAN: So, what are you gonna do?

1277
00:49:44,852 --> 00:49:46,954
I decided...

1278
00:49:46,954 --> 00:49:48,789
I'm gonna do the things
I want to do,

1279
00:49:48,789 --> 00:49:51,091
rather than I have to do.

1280
00:49:51,091 --> 00:49:54,261
Because every time
I do something I don't want to do,

1281
00:49:54,261 --> 00:49:56,964
I become a person
I don't even know anymore.

1282
00:49:58,098 --> 00:50:00,367
When I was 29...

1283
00:50:00,367 --> 00:50:03,437
I did a comedy festival
in Carbondale, Illinois.

1284
00:50:03,437 --> 00:50:05,205
I didn't want to go.

1285
00:50:05,205 --> 00:50:07,341
I went for superficial reasons.

1286
00:50:07,341 --> 00:50:10,277
For exposure, for connections.

1287
00:50:10,277 --> 00:50:11,945
We had to transfer in St. Louis.

1288
00:50:13,046 --> 00:50:14,381
As the flight was taking off,

1289
00:50:14,381 --> 00:50:17,317
the tornado touched down
and destroyed the airport.

1290
00:50:17,317 --> 00:50:19,052
It was a terrible flight.

1291
00:50:19,052 --> 00:50:21,455
Flight's dipping,
flipping and diving.

1292
00:50:21,455 --> 00:50:22,856
That was the moment I realized

1293
00:50:22,856 --> 00:50:26,126
women are the stronger
of all of us.

1294
00:50:26,126 --> 00:50:29,129
Because I look on my right,
there's an old lady knitting a hat.

1295
00:50:29,129 --> 00:50:33,066
And she's making clothes
while I'm making shit in my clothes.

1296
00:50:33,066 --> 00:50:35,035
And she knew I was anxious
because she saw me,

1297
00:50:35,035 --> 00:50:37,371
she leans over, she goes,
"It's okay, sonny.

1298
00:50:37,371 --> 00:50:40,140
"The tornado has only killed
one person this year."

1299
00:50:41,175 --> 00:50:44,244
I'm like, it's January 15th.

1300
00:50:44,244 --> 00:50:46,880
This is not a very good
track record.

1301
00:50:46,880 --> 00:50:48,515
I land, I do my show.

1302
00:50:48,515 --> 00:50:51,985
I can't get home because
the airport's gone.

1303
00:50:51,985 --> 00:50:56,590
So I have to take a train
from Carbondale to Chicago.

1304
00:50:56,590 --> 00:50:59,860
So, that night, I call a taxi.

1305
00:50:59,860 --> 00:51:02,596
Five blocks away,
the taxi comes to a dead stop.

1306
00:51:02,596 --> 00:51:06,867
I go, "Sir, uh,
the station is still up there."

1307
00:51:06,867 --> 00:51:09,436
He goes, "Oh, no, man.
You got to walk.

1308
00:51:09,436 --> 00:51:11,905
"The tornado has brought
so much water in the area,

1309
00:51:11,905 --> 00:51:13,207
"there's a flash flood coming.

1310
00:51:13,207 --> 00:51:14,908
"It's gonna push the car
into the river."

1311
00:51:14,908 --> 00:51:18,879
I'm like,
"Uh, is it safe to walk?"

1312
00:51:18,879 --> 00:51:20,247
He's like, "Yeah, don't worry.

1313
00:51:20,247 --> 00:51:23,283
"The tornado has only killed
one person this year."

1314
00:51:23,283 --> 00:51:25,018
I'm like, "Is it the motto
of this town?

1315
00:51:25,018 --> 00:51:26,053
"Am I that person?"

1316
00:51:27,354 --> 00:51:29,556
So, knee-deep water.
I run to the station.

1317
00:51:30,457 --> 00:51:32,226
I get on the train.

1318
00:51:32,226 --> 00:51:33,293
And I got to tell you,

1319
00:51:33,293 --> 00:51:34,862
when I'm scared, I get the runs.

1320
00:51:34,862 --> 00:51:37,064
I'm like a squid.
I squirt and go.

1321
00:51:37,064 --> 00:51:39,566
So, I thought, "You know what?
I'll take some Imodium."

1322
00:51:39,566 --> 00:51:41,635
Right? Because it's a long ride.
I don't want to make a mess.

1323
00:51:41,635 --> 00:51:46,273
I was so flustered,
I accidentally took Nyquil.

1324
00:51:46,273 --> 00:51:49,276
That was eight hours
of drowsy diarrhea.

1325
00:51:50,978 --> 00:51:52,946
In that moment of stupor,
I realized something.

1326
00:51:54,281 --> 00:51:56,149
I should've always done
what Mom and Dad did.

1327
00:51:57,417 --> 00:51:59,386
They may not know
the best thing,

1328
00:51:59,386 --> 00:52:01,421
but they always did
what they wanted to do.

1329
00:52:02,155 --> 00:52:04,224
See, I get home.

1330
00:52:04,224 --> 00:52:07,427
I walk through the door,
and my wife's there.

1331
00:52:07,427 --> 00:52:08,762
And I haven't
told her any of this.

1332
00:52:08,762 --> 00:52:10,831
She's watching the news.

1333
00:52:10,831 --> 00:52:12,099
And she turns around
and she goes,

1334
00:52:12,099 --> 00:52:14,334
"Ed, how can you do this to me?

1335
00:52:15,469 --> 00:52:18,138
"What if you never come home?

1336
00:52:18,138 --> 00:52:20,674
"How can you do this?
What if I don't see you again?"

1337
00:52:22,176 --> 00:52:24,311
I just remember looking
in her eyes, I said,

1338
00:52:24,311 --> 00:52:25,946
"Don't worry.

1339
00:52:25,946 --> 00:52:28,515
"The tornado has only killed
one person this year."

1340
00:52:31,151 --> 00:52:33,487
So you can see me right now,
I don't have much body hair.

1341
00:52:33,487 --> 00:52:34,588
You may not know this,

1342
00:52:34,588 --> 00:52:36,790
Asians are descendants
of dolphins.

1343
00:52:37,858 --> 00:52:39,326
No, that's so stupid. [CHUCKLES]

1344
00:52:39,326 --> 00:52:41,128
Here's the truth.

1345
00:52:41,128 --> 00:52:43,931
I don't have much body here,
but for some reason,

1346
00:52:43,931 --> 00:52:46,166
when I was seven,
I had a full mustache.

1347
00:52:47,100 --> 00:52:49,269
I have a thick black mustache.

1348
00:52:49,269 --> 00:52:51,271
So my body thought
my face was my balls.

1349
00:52:51,271 --> 00:52:52,940
If you look at my
seven-year-old class photo,

1350
00:52:52,940 --> 00:52:54,775
I look like an
undercover pedophile.

1351
00:52:54,775 --> 00:52:57,144
You're like, "Who's that uncle
in the bowtie?"

1352
00:52:57,144 --> 00:52:59,279
I took the mustache
from Taipei to Vancouver.

1353
00:52:59,279 --> 00:53:00,814
I walk into class,

1354
00:53:00,814 --> 00:53:02,316
teacher didn't know what to do.

1355
00:53:02,316 --> 00:53:06,019
She's like, "Who is this
45-year-old man in my class?"

1356
00:53:06,019 --> 00:53:07,321
You know what she did?

1357
00:53:07,321 --> 00:53:09,189
She put me with other kids
that looked like me.

1358
00:53:09,189 --> 00:53:11,859
They don't even speak
the same language.

1359
00:53:11,859 --> 00:53:14,027
They spoke Vietnamese,
they spoke Korean.

1360
00:53:14,027 --> 00:53:15,996
They beat me up every day.

1361
00:53:15,996 --> 00:53:17,664
Every single day,
they beat me up.

1362
00:53:17,664 --> 00:53:20,167
You know who helped me?
Is the white kids.

1363
00:53:20,167 --> 00:53:23,303
I am truly thankful
for their friendship.

1364
00:53:23,303 --> 00:53:24,905
When I graduated middle school,

1365
00:53:24,905 --> 00:53:26,473
no one wanted
to sign my yearbook.

1366
00:53:26,473 --> 00:53:27,641
Not a single soul.

1367
00:53:27,641 --> 00:53:28,842
Only one kid did.

1368
00:53:28,842 --> 00:53:31,378
His name is Brett Glossly.

1369
00:53:31,378 --> 00:53:32,980
He wrote,
"Ed, Have a great summer."

1370
00:53:32,980 --> 00:53:35,215
He goes,
"Why don't you sign mine?"

1371
00:53:35,215 --> 00:53:38,685
Never been asked.
I didn't even know what to do.

1372
00:53:38,685 --> 00:53:40,487
I wanna say something nice.

1373
00:53:40,487 --> 00:53:42,556
My English was not
very good at the time.

1374
00:53:42,556 --> 00:53:43,657
I wanted to say something like,

1375
00:53:43,657 --> 00:53:45,993
"Hey, I'll see you
after summer."

1376
00:53:46,894 --> 00:53:48,662
What I wrote was,

1377
00:53:48,662 --> 00:53:51,331
"I'll be watching you
when winter comes."

1378
00:53:51,331 --> 00:53:54,001
Which is the creepiest thing
you can write in someone's book.

1379
00:53:54,001 --> 00:53:55,836
[MAN CHUCKLES]

1380
00:53:55,836 --> 00:53:57,104
You see, I'm on stages
all the time.

1381
00:53:58,205 --> 00:54:00,207
And you may not know this,

1382
00:54:00,207 --> 00:54:02,509
for my whole life,
I've been told

1383
00:54:02,509 --> 00:54:03,610
I'm not good enough.

1384
00:54:05,112 --> 00:54:07,047
Teachers said I'm too stupid.

1385
00:54:07,047 --> 00:54:08,882
Coaches said I'm too slow.

1386
00:54:08,882 --> 00:54:11,585
Agents say I'm too boring.

1387
00:54:11,585 --> 00:54:13,253
It happened the other day.

1388
00:54:13,253 --> 00:54:14,788
A gentleman sent me a message
after the show.

1389
00:54:14,788 --> 00:54:18,358
He goes,
"Ed, you are a bad person.

1390
00:54:18,358 --> 00:54:22,563
"Calling out brown people?
You are a bad person."

1391
00:54:23,630 --> 00:54:25,465
I know what he was referring to.

1392
00:54:25,465 --> 00:54:27,367
He was referring to the story
I told you about the man with the turban

1393
00:54:27,367 --> 00:54:30,070
on the playground,
which I never said he was brown.

1394
00:54:30,070 --> 00:54:32,606
He could have been
Justin Trudeau.

1395
00:54:32,606 --> 00:54:34,575
[MAN LAUGHS]

1396
00:54:34,575 --> 00:54:36,610
But here's the thing,
I'm not truthful.

1397
00:54:36,610 --> 00:54:37,978
I exaggerate.

1398
00:54:37,978 --> 00:54:42,950
But that story, ironically,
happens to be 100% true.

1399
00:54:44,284 --> 00:54:47,054
It happened November 17th, 1994,

1400
00:54:47,054 --> 00:54:51,325
on the playground of
Pinetree Way Elementary School,

1401
00:54:51,325 --> 00:54:54,895
in Coquitlam,
British Columbia, Canada.

1402
00:54:54,895 --> 00:54:58,599
So, is that man a bad person
for saying that to me?

1403
00:54:58,599 --> 00:55:02,469
Am I a bad person
for telling you that story?

1404
00:55:02,469 --> 00:55:06,840
Or maybe, just maybe,
none of this matters.

1405
00:55:06,840 --> 00:55:09,943
Maybe what we need to do
is figure out who we are

1406
00:55:09,943 --> 00:55:12,946
before we try to understand
other people.

1407
00:55:14,181 --> 00:55:16,416
Because a wise man once told me,

1408
00:55:16,416 --> 00:55:18,285
"If you don't know
where you are,

1409
00:55:18,285 --> 00:55:20,354
"then go back to where
you came from."

1410
00:55:22,656 --> 00:55:25,459
MAN: It sounds like
you've changed.

1411
00:55:27,494 --> 00:55:28,695
HILL: I learned something.

1412
00:55:30,030 --> 00:55:33,300
Life is full of disappointments.

1413
00:55:35,002 --> 00:55:37,771
If you can survive it,
you're invincible.

1414
00:55:39,106 --> 00:55:40,774
I realized, at any point,

1415
00:55:40,774 --> 00:55:44,044
if you can't do this anymore
and you feel alone,

1416
00:55:44,044 --> 00:55:46,680
just talk to the women
in your life.

1417
00:55:49,650 --> 00:55:52,286
Because the simple fact
of talking about it

1418
00:55:52,286 --> 00:55:54,354
takes the power away
from the crisis.

1419
00:55:55,689 --> 00:55:57,524
See, recently, I had a chance

1420
00:55:57,524 --> 00:55:59,059
to go for a little walk
with my wife,

1421
00:55:59,059 --> 00:56:02,529
just to walk and talk
around Mom and Dad's place.

1422
00:56:02,529 --> 00:56:03,897
We came across this new
new coffee shop.

1423
00:56:03,897 --> 00:56:06,300
We've never seen it.
It's very busy.

1424
00:56:06,300 --> 00:56:09,069
So, I had an idea.
I said," You know what? Let me go in there.

1425
00:56:09,069 --> 00:56:11,138
"I'll get the drinks.
It's faster this way.

1426
00:56:11,138 --> 00:56:13,140
"And we'll keep talking
and we'll keep walking."

1427
00:56:13,140 --> 00:56:15,876
I go inside.
Had to go to the bathroom.

1428
00:56:15,876 --> 00:56:17,578
Because of Taco Bell.

1429
00:56:17,578 --> 00:56:19,479
And I clogged the toilet.

1430
00:56:19,479 --> 00:56:21,248
So I just left.
I didn't get the drinks.

1431
00:56:21,248 --> 00:56:22,649
My wife's like,
"Where are the drinks?"

1432
00:56:22,649 --> 00:56:23,750
I'm like, "It doesn't matter.
We gotta go.

1433
00:56:23,750 --> 00:56:25,485
"Just keep walking."

1434
00:56:25,485 --> 00:56:28,922
She goes. "No, Ed, tell me."
So, I told her.

1435
00:56:28,922 --> 00:56:31,058
And I saw the same
disappointment on her face

1436
00:56:31,992 --> 00:56:34,261
as when I called Mom a bitch.

1437
00:56:34,261 --> 00:56:35,896
She goes, "Ed, no, please.

1438
00:56:35,896 --> 00:56:38,532
"Go in there, get our drinks,

1439
00:56:39,433 --> 00:56:42,169
"apologize, and own your shit."

1440
00:56:43,003 --> 00:56:44,171
Literally.

1441
00:56:44,171 --> 00:56:46,874
So, I'm like,
"Fine. Okay. I promised."

1442
00:56:48,208 --> 00:56:51,011
So, I go in there again.
You know, it's very busy.

1443
00:56:51,011 --> 00:56:52,679
I have to cut through the crowd.

1444
00:56:52,679 --> 00:56:55,182
You know,
the lady's at the counter. I'm so nervous.

1445
00:56:55,182 --> 00:56:58,785
I'm like, "Hey, I'm so sorry."

1446
00:56:58,785 --> 00:57:02,456
She goes,
"Oh, don't worry about it. We already know."

1447
00:57:02,456 --> 00:57:04,057
I'm like, "You already know?"

1448
00:57:04,057 --> 00:57:06,026
She's like,
"Yeah, it's part of being human.

1449
00:57:06,026 --> 00:57:07,561
"Don't even worry about it."

1450
00:57:07,561 --> 00:57:10,597
I'm like, "Oh, good.
Thank you for saying that.

1451
00:57:10,597 --> 00:57:14,034
"'Cause I think I just
put too much toilet paper in the toilet."

1452
00:57:14,034 --> 00:57:16,036
And she pauses, she goes,

1453
00:57:16,036 --> 00:57:18,205
"What are you talking about?"

1454
00:57:19,606 --> 00:57:22,643
I'm like, "No!"

1455
00:57:22,643 --> 00:57:25,412
She's like, "Yeah,
you're the guy with herpes."

1456
00:57:25,412 --> 00:57:26,780
I'm like, "Damn it, Mom."

1457
00:57:26,780 --> 00:57:28,215
[MAN LAUGHS]

1458
00:57:31,718 --> 00:57:33,387
So, before I came here today,

1459
00:57:34,321 --> 00:57:35,722
I was actually at Mom and Dad's.

1460
00:57:37,791 --> 00:57:38,992
I was there with my wife.

1461
00:57:38,992 --> 00:57:42,829
We're looking through
old family albums.

1462
00:57:42,829 --> 00:57:44,998
And there's all these
photograph evidence of me

1463
00:57:44,998 --> 00:57:48,101
destroying every
family vacation we ever had.

1464
00:57:48,101 --> 00:57:49,736
'Cause I'm in full goth makeup.

1465
00:57:51,138 --> 00:57:52,940
And Dad walks by,
he sees the photo,

1466
00:57:52,940 --> 00:57:55,342
he just goes, "Stupid Ed,"
and he walks away.

1467
00:57:56,977 --> 00:57:58,812
And as invalidating
and judgmental

1468
00:57:58,812 --> 00:57:59,913
as that may seem,

1469
00:58:00,747 --> 00:58:02,416
that's his acceptance.

1470
00:58:03,617 --> 00:58:06,520
He finally accepted
who I am as a person.

1471
00:58:09,189 --> 00:58:12,359
You see, when I was 16,
I made a choice.

1472
00:58:13,360 --> 00:58:15,629
I chose to hate love.

1473
00:58:17,197 --> 00:58:18,465
See, that summer...

1474
00:58:19,833 --> 00:58:22,102
I tried to kill myself.

1475
00:58:22,102 --> 00:58:23,804
'Cause all the love
I was giving away

1476
00:58:24,638 --> 00:58:25,806
never came back.

1477
00:58:27,608 --> 00:58:30,978
But in the midst of that pain,
something incredible happened.

1478
00:58:32,646 --> 00:58:35,983
I looked up to whoever
and whatever's above,

1479
00:58:35,983 --> 00:58:39,453
I asked them
to show me a miracle.

1480
00:58:41,455 --> 00:58:42,489
And they did.

1481
00:58:46,793 --> 00:58:48,629
[GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

1482
00:58:48,629 --> 00:58:49,663
That miracle

1483
00:58:50,864 --> 00:58:53,000
was a stupid kid
who was born in Taiwan

1484
00:58:54,001 --> 00:58:55,068
and raised in Canada.

1485
00:58:56,370 --> 00:58:59,473
He has a mustache
as big as his manhood.

1486
00:59:01,141 --> 00:59:02,809
He has a family
who knows no boundaries

1487
00:59:02,809 --> 00:59:04,678
and lives a world
that makes no sense.

1488
00:59:05,979 --> 00:59:07,814
Even though he may not
always know it,

1489
00:59:09,082 --> 00:59:10,717
he does not have herpes,

1490
00:59:11,718 --> 00:59:15,055
and he is worthy of love.

1491
00:59:17,191 --> 00:59:18,659
I have a confession
to make to you.

1492
00:59:20,994 --> 00:59:22,829
It took us 38 years
to learn this.

1493
00:59:24,932 --> 00:59:29,903
Sometimes it's good enough
to be just me.

1494
00:59:44,117 --> 00:59:46,920
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC CONTINUES]