This way.
Oh. So sorry.
I-- sorry.
I was looking at that guy.
-What guy? -He's not there, he was right--
-I don't know. -What'd he look like?
He was wet.
-He was a wet guy? -Mm-hmm.
Professor Shepard said to wait here in front of Cabot Hall.
Did she say how long to wait? Because I think we are supposed to start--
Ah, okay. I'll just stand here then.
-Nice mustache, jerk. -I can hear you.
Yeah, I know, I know.
-No, I didn't. I'm sorry, I-- -Mr. Russo?
Yes. Greg, please.
Professor Shepard?
-Dylan. -Dylan. Right, right.
Hey, hey. Thank you, Eric.
Eric did a great job picking me up. He left.
You ready to rock and roll?
Nope.
Oh, yuck, there I am.
-I don't love these readings. I don't. -Yep, that's you.
I get so self-conscious, and I can't, I can't...
Oh, no, you can't read?
Oh, if you come to a big word, just sound it out.
I write books that you're supposed to read at the beach.
They are light, they are fun.
Characters that you like have sex,
the ones that you don't get shot in the face.
-What? -At a stuffy college like this,
these kids aren't looking for fun.
-They're looking for depth. -Hey. I teach a class
about the poetry of Bad Bunny. You'll be fine, okay?
What's a bad bunny?
-Let's do this. -Okay.
"Rooster didn't mean to shoot Eduardo in the face,
"but there it was.
"One perfect bullet hole right below his eye.
"That night, Rooster drifted to sleep in a beach chair.
"Luckily, the first thing he saw when he woke was Margo,
"smiling as she floated towards him
in the shimmering morning heat."
See? Wasn't so bad.
Okay, we have time for a few questions.
Okay. Ronni, go ahead.
Mr. Russo, first, I want to thank you for coming
-and giving us your time. -Oh, my pleasure.
-No, really, thank you. -Oh, thank you.
Appreciate it. What was your question?
Why do you hate women?
Wow, I don't-- I-- That's a fun way to start.
Easy answer. I don't hate women.
"Mango was Rooster's favorite flavor besides Margo herself."
So here, you're comparing the taste
of a woman's vagina to a Popsicle.
I did not know I was doing that.
Well, you also say that she "smelled like birthday cake."
What was your thought process when you wrote that?
I... I must have been hungry.
Here's the thing.
I don't see Margo as a sex object.
Yes, she and Rooster
-do have sex a few times-- -Sixteen times.
Okay, good, you counted.
I mean, 17, if you include the oral sex.
Have to include that, right?
Yeah, let's include it.
For what it's worth, the character of Margo
is based on a woman I used to be married to.
So, yes, she is sexy and beautiful, but she is also smart and brave.
That feeds into my question.
You know the part where Margo saves Rooster from the drug smugglers?
Exactly, she's very brave in that moment.
Well, especially since she took off her bikini
and did it all topless.
Yes.
She had to make a tourniquet.
What was your question?
-That was hot. -Smokeshow.
Alright, great question. Anybody else?
Ronni, you've had your turn.
Hey, Cristle. Is he back?
He's here. He's very excited.
My gosh. I mean, my gosh.
Just outstanding.
-Oh. -Not sure if you've officially met
our president, Walter Mann.
I was already a fan,
but absolutely loved the way you handled that Ronni.
Well, I hope I didn't make her feel bad.
Ah, who cares?
Nobody makes these kids feel bad anymore.
Let me tell you something. Life is hard.
-And we are teaching these kids... -Hello.
...exactly squat.
-Hmm. -It's out of control, am I right?
Actually, I think it's refreshing that young people are--
Oh, thank you, Cristle. You're done.
Off you go. Please tell Dean Riggs
-I will meet him at the gym. -Fine.
Thank you for tolerating me.
We're not speaking.
-Bye, Greg! -She seems nice.
It's Crissle, yes? There's no T?
-There's a T. -There's a T.
-Oh. -Liberal arts colleges
used to be safe havens
for free thought, Greg.
When did you and I become the bad guys?
Amen. What?
Populism is not very popular here.
I mean, take Dylan. I love her,
but it's no surprise that she hasn't read any of your books.
-What are you doing? -It's okay.
I actually haven't read any of your poetry, either.
It's funny, in your emails, you said you loved Dylan's poetry.
I did. I do love them.
Read all of them. I just didn't wanna make her feel bad.
Ah.
Happy? You got us both.
Unintentional. Just Walt being Walt.
Dylan, to be continued.
Greg, you give me a ten count and then join me.
Yes, he wants you to count to ten and, no, I don't know why.
Okay.
I'm gonna read your books.
Oh, no. Don't worry about it.
Nice meeting you, Greg.
Nice you-- me also.
Okay.
What are you doing?
Okay.
Oh, boy.
That was barely eight there, Greg.
Do you need another 10 or 20 count?
-May I guess what you're thinking? -I doubt it.
Most college presidents are bookish shut-ins,
but this guy's jacked.
That's exactly what I was thinking.
I would have also accepted, "Wow!"
You know my secret? Hot sauna, cold plunge,
every goddamn day.
You get the same endorphins you get from cocaine,
only it lasts two hours instead of nine minutes.
-Plus, come here. -Scoot closer?
It releases the brown fat.
Well, you gotta release the brown fat.
-I knew you'd get it. -I'm glad that you think that I do.
Listen, I would be a bad dad if I didn't ask how Katie was doing,
and I know that you probably have heard about her and Archie.
You go to any campus in America,
and no marriage between two faculty members
has ever lasted more than a year and a half.
I can't believe that is true.
Well, it may not be factually true, but the spirit of it is.
Now, what about you?
-You ever think about teaching? -Oh, me?
Oh, no. No.
Not really. I didn't go to college.
Who cares? It's overrated.
Real-- Okay.
I'm still looking for my writer-in-residence.
You say the word, gig's yours.
-Well-- -Don't answer now.
Come back and tell me your decision before you leave.
I want you to go out and let this campus get its magic all over you.
-All over me? -Yeah, baby.
In the meantime, I'm gonna go to the gym
and throw some metal around. You care to join?
No, thanks.
-I'm gonna go see my kid. -Ah, good dad.
You tell that Katie that if it took a campus sex scandal
to finally get her old man up here, worth it.
Probably not gonna tell her that.
Thank you. Okay. Alright.
-Hey, Greg. -Yes?
-Thrilled you're here. -Good to see you.
With his water lilies, Monet eschewed tradition
and focused on the surface of the pond
at his home in Giverny. Beautiful, right?
Hard to believe, but actually conservators...
restored that exact painting with Q-tips and spit.
-Ew. -Okay, you can take
that slightly disgusting tidbit and get outta here.
But there is a paper due on Monday.
But there's a K-party this weekend.
-What is a K-party? -You don't wanna know.
I don't wanna know, okay.
If you feel like you need extra time on your paper, that is my dad.
Interacting with strangers makes him very uncomfortable.
So, if you want extra time, look him in the eye
and tell him that you love him, okay?
No. Please don't do it.
-I love you very much. -Okay.
See you.
Do you know what brown fat is?
Dad, I love that you're here, but I don't need you
-to check up on me. -I'm not checking up on you.
They asked me to come and read.
Oh, come on, Dad, you hate this place.
They've asked you like a billion times.
-Just admit it. -I don't want to admit it,
because you will get mad.
-Everybody knows. -Knows what?
About Archie.
Everybody knows. This place is like a fishbowl.
-He knows. -He doesn't know.
Hey, excuse me. You know that my husband
left me to fuck a grad student, right?
Uh, I...
-Oh. -Answer honestly,
and I promise this moment is over for you.
-Yes. -Thank you.
You're welcome.
-See? -Okay.
You know, the worst part is everybody keeps asking me what happened.
I don't know what happened.
We were normal, and then the next thing I know,
he's with her, and I'm packing up
and moving into the dead hockey coach's house.
How did the hockey coach die?
I think he killed himself
because his father was focusing on the wrong part of the story.
I'm sorry. I'm back. It wasn't on the ice, was it?
-Dad. -I'm sorry. Go ahead.
I feel like everybody's looking at me all the time.
They're not looking at you. He wasn't looking at you.
Oh, yep, he just did.
I'm losing my grip, Dad, I hate it.
Honey, you're not losing your grip. You are strong.
Whoa!
Honey, why are we in the bushes?
Shh, that's them over there.
They eat their lunch here sometimes.
-So you're stalking them? -Mm...
-That's fine, hon. -They never even kiss.
And look at her, she's not like some model type.
She's just like a normal girl.
Oh, I just-- It would make so much more sense to me
if she was special in some way.
Well, honey, maybe what makes her special
is on the inside, you know, who she is as a person.
-Are you fucking kidding me? -I'm sorry.
-What are you doing? -I'm in the bushes.
I'm off my game.
Look, hon.
There's something that I-- wha...
Just look at me.
-Just look at me right now. -What?
Focus on what I'm saying,
-because I have something important-- -No.
Shit.
Not many women get to be with their father
while they watch their husband make out with someone.
Yeah, we're pretty lucky.
Why would you come here?
I knew you'd be mad.
Don't. Katie.
No. No.
Nope. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I wasn't watching you.
I was watching a couple behind you kissing.
-A straight couple. -Dude.
Not that that matters. It just--
-I'm just clarifying. -Yeah.
You don't have to take out your phone. That's-- I'm outta here.
See you later!
Hey, there's that guy.
-You kicked ass today. -Oh.
Big fan, I love those Rooster books. I read 'em all.
Oh, thank you.
You're the...
the bikini kid.
Oh, Tommy Newton.
Oh, shit. I forgot my wallet. Stupid.
-No, no, no. Give me that. -Really?
-I got you. -Oh, sweet.
Wait, I'ma get some chips too, then.
I'm just kidding. Very kind, thanks.
It's okay. Got ya.
-Again, I really appreciate it. -No problem. There you go.
-Sweet. -Enjoy it.
Bonjour, mes amis.
-Hello. -I said "hello" in French
because I am betting that you are from Paris,
where they let kids drink wine and babies smoke cigarettes.
But here in America, the legal drinking age is 21.
You're not 21?
-Not yet. -Okay, officer.
He said that he forgot his wallet.
-He offered to buy me beer. -Are you kidding me?
Kind of an age-old story, isn't it?
Kid gives you 20 bucks, you go inside and get him some beer.
-I don't need 20 bucks. -Okay, money buckets.
There's other reasons you might do it.
What, for like a blowjob in the alley?
What?
-F-- oh. -No.
I was thinking that you might do it because he seems like a good kid.
Yes, yes, yes. That makes much more sense.
But now, I got this blowjob thing stuck in my head,
-and either you're giving it to him... -No, no.
...or he's giving it to you,
-but either way... -Nobody's giving anyone
-a blowjob, Officer! -...that's all I can see right now.
-No, no, it was just a stupid remark. -No. No, no, no, no, no.
No, you don't just say something like that unless you're thinking it.
-Yeah, I agree. -Yes.
I disagree. I wholeheartedly disagree.
Tommy Newton, come on.
He didn't do anything, I tricked him.
There you go.
Alright.
Leave the beer and get outta here.
Thanks for being a good kid.
Even if it was just right at the end.
I'm gonna go ahead and take these from you.
Oh, okay.
Stay out of the alleys.
Okay.
Yeah. Fuck it.
Oh, fuck.
Oh! Shh!
Hey, kiddo, sorry about before.
Are you really gonna make me eat dinner by myself?
Huh? Call me.
-Hey, Margaret. -Hey.
Katie?
Hey.
I'm walking the dog.
He only shits in this yard, so...
Excuse me.
-How is your house Chardonnay? -Tastes like shit.
Great. I'll have one Chardonnay.
-Chardonnay? Oh. -Oh, hi.
-What are you doing here? -Get a real drink.
-Excuse me? -You wanna sit here by yourself, fine.
You wanna join me, you need to get a little more self-destructive.
-Okay. -Tequila Blanco.
Rocks. Splash of lime.
Alright, yeah. Make that two.
-Sure. -Can I at least get more nuts?
Did you eat that whole bowl?
We're good with the nuts.
Listen, I don't see what the problem is.
She's never even taught before.
You pulled some strings.
You got your friend a job. I think it's nice.
What if she sucks and Walt fires her?
Worst-case scenario.
It goes horribly. She blames you.
Something breaks deep inside of her, and she shoots you in the face.
I will fuck you up.
You know, I pretended it was for her.
She had just gotten a divorce. I said, "Oh, you need a change."
But it wasn't for her. It was for me.
I just feel so isolated.
And, look, I've been here for a minute.
A few friends didn't get tenure and split.
I've already dated everybody worth dating.
And I said "I love you" once, but I took it back.
-You can do that? -You can.
But they get really mad.
You ever been completely surrounded by people
and still felt utterly alone?
Yeah, for about 25 years.
I was married.
-Right. -Right, oh yeah.
-To the school's most celebrated alum. -Yes.
Actually, you would love her.
You'd love Elizabeth.
When we were married...
there were always so many people around.
And when we split up, those same people were the ones to say
that we never made sense together, because she was so far out of my league.
And for a long time, I felt they were right.
How long?
What is this all about?
Your key is bent.
Yeah, it's my house key. It doesn't always work.
Quit changing the subject.
Too long.
I felt that way for too long.
Want me to get us some more nuts?
So badly.
Excuse me. Can we get some more nuts?
-Would you like 'em warm? -Warm nuts?
They haven't even talked to each other.
Archie is so gutless, he can't even look her in the eye
and explain what happened.
Know what I wanna do? I wanna go over there
and just tell him to man the heck up!
I think you gotta go with "man the fuck up."
-I love you. -Oh, hope you get an F.
-What was that? -That's a long story.
It doesn't matter, because if I talk to him,
-Katie would kill me. -No, she wouldn't.
She'll love you for it.
Ugh, I don't think so.
I mean, she wouldn't tell you she loves you for it.
And then, she'll probably say she's mad at you.
You didn't have to walk me all the way home.
Oh, well, I'm glad I did, though.
That was fun.
-Good night. -You wanna come in?
Hmm?
You wanna come in?
Okay, in two weeks, my friend is gonna be living right there.
And I love her, but she is always all up in my business.
So, probably no more fucking the guest speakers for me.
Wow.
I've never done this before. I'm just kidding.
-I know. -No, you didn't.
No, I did not know.
Oh. Do you know how old I am?
It's your lucky day, Grandpa.
Oh.
Oh! Oh!
Dylan, you are gorgeous.
And funny, and so, so smart, that I feel even dumber than usual.
-But today has just been a day. -Okay, you can stop.
No, no, no, no! I was just saying,
maybe we could just stand out here and talk for a little while?
I really don't love talking to men who just rejected me--
I didn't reject you!
I just-- I'm uncomfortable.
And it's not you. It's me-- I'm-- that's who--
That's what I am most of the time, always.
So, maybe we could have a drink?
Yeah? And kind of-- kinda just see where it goes?
Okay.
Would you like to come in and have a drink?
I probably shouldn't.
What-- Holy crap.
You just rejected me twice.
-Why would you do that? -I don't know.
I don't know why I do so many things.
-Good night. -No.
Wait. Dylan! Dylan!
-Dylan! -Come on.
Oh, the key. The curse of the bent key.
Come on, come on. Shit.
You could try it a little less psychotically.
-Okay, please just go. -No, no, no.
I wouldn't be a gentleman unless I waited for you to--
Oh.
Okay.
Good night.
Hey, Bug, you sure you don't want me to drive you?
No, no, no, I got it.
Hey, well, how come you need to go to the dentist?
Because I hurt my arm.
-That's a joke. -Relax.
-I'll be back later. -Okay.
-Big push for a big girl. -Yeah, see ya.
-Eyes on the horizon. -Got it!
Hello, Guv!
Greg. Heard you were on campus.
Come on.
Just pop it on a coaster for me, will ya?
I understand that you're the first Russian Studies professor
to receive the Wallace Fellowship.
You don't care about my fellowship.
No. Nobody does.
Well, yeah, my friends talk about it quite a lot, so...
-Name one. -You don't know any of my friends.
Well, just throw a name out.
-Kevin. -I will bet you a million dollars
that you can't tell me Kevin's last name.
Listen, Greg, I know why you're here, alright?
You love Chekhov, right?
I was wrong. Yeah, I like Chekhov a bit, yeah.
Don't you have that stupid first edition Chekhov book that you're so proud of?
Tolstoy. It's the first edition
of War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy.
Yes, I am rather proud of it.
It's probably one of the finest literary creations
any human being has ever made, so...
Why did you cheat on my daughter?
Sounds like you wanna make love to that book.
Okay. Could you just skip to the point, please, Greg?
No, because I thought that you loved Chekhov,
and I spent the morning researching him
-in preparation for this conversation-- -For the love of God.
-Then, pretend that I am a fan of Chekhov. -Okay.
Listen, since you love Chekhov so much,
you obviously know that he said,
"No one must be humiliated."
I have been thinking about that a lot.
How could you have been thinking about that a lot
if you only just read it this morning?
-Are you a detective? -Well...
My God! Look.
You need to man the fucking heck up.
Katie has been humiliated, and I think that you owe it to her.
I love her.
I do, I love her.
Then what are you doing, man?
I...
I just-- I got lost.
We weren't getting along, and we drifted a bit, and I withdrew.
And then along came Sunny, and the clouds--
I'm cool not knowing anything about Sunny.
Look.
I am ready and willing to take the lion's share of the blame
with what happened between me and Katie.
-You are a hero. -Thank you.
And also, your friend Kevin is not real.
Katie and I both have things that we need to work on,
and I want to do that work, Greg,
because she is still the most important thing
that's ever happened to me.
And I think I've really cocked this up,
-haven't I? -Yeah.
You cocked it up.
Do you think she'll ever take me back?
I wouldn't.
But if you want to find out...
you have to man the fuck up.
You really nailed it that time.
-I don't need your approval. -Okay.
But thank you.
Bobby Orr.
Native of Kitchener, Ontario.
Who gives a shit? I cannot believe that you spoke to Archie.
I was promised you'd eventually love me for it.
He wants to see me tomorrow.
He says that he thinks he's found a path back.
Alright, that's a good thing, yeah?
Why, because he's stopped banging that girl,
so I'm supposed to run home and rip off all my clothes?
I seriously doubt that that is his "path back" idea.
I know you're mad.
I have a question.
Do you still love him?
Shit.
You know, I never really told you why your mom and I split up.
She cheated on you.
Oh, good, so you're in the loop.
No.
My biggest regret...
was that I didn't fight for her.
If you love him, don't be a coward like I was.
If I say that I will go and see him,
will you please stop telling me to do things
-that I don't want to do? -Promise.
-Also, try to be kind. -Jesus Christ.
You're going to want to say some stuff
that's really horrible to him, and he deserves it.
-Yeah. -But there are certain things
you can't take back, honey.
And I am speaking from experience.
That's all. Go see him.
Try to be kind. That's it.
Okay, I'm gonna head out.
Love you. I will drop by tomorrow morning
-after I see Walt and say farewell. -Dad?
Do you wanna stay and hang?
Always.
Yes, I do.
Okay.
Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Fifteen minutes at 185 degrees, at least three times a week.
Speeds up the metabolism, flushes out the toxins,
and is clinically proven to lower your chance of dementia by 53%.
And aren't you a lucky guy?
You have all that fur to keep the heat in.
Yeah, I feel lucky.
Can't say I'm pleased you turned down my job offer.
Sorry.
Has it been 15 minutes yet?
Ninety seconds, Greg.
Boy, you're gonna love the contrast with the cold plunge.
-I can't wait. -I am happy to see things
are turning the corner for Archie and Katie.
Would have been a shame to have to let her go.
-Excuse me? -Well, if this drama
got outta hand, I had to pick one.
He's got the tenure and the Wallace Fellowship, so--
Nobody cares about that.
Have you ever been married, Walt?
I am married now.
-Wow. Oh. -Joanie, she loves to travel.
I don't.
So, we do two months together, two months apart,
and then we just repeat that the rest of the year.
She'll be back in a few weeks.
I can't wait.
Sounds like you've solved marriage.
I have, Greg.
Mm-hmm, yeah. You're lucky.
When you get your heart broken, it's...
it's-- Ah, whatever.
-Never mind. -What do you mean, never mind?
Number three, "hothouse is for real talk."
You had that made up professionally?
I made it, in woodshop.
-Nice. -Yep.
When you get your heart broken,
it feels like somebody shot you in the face.
It doesn't matter if it's been five years.
You just...
you feel like you're never gonna bounce back, you know?
Can't let that happen to Katie.
Hmm.
Alright.
Ah, Katie.
I'm not gonna sit down 'cause I don't know where you guys have had sex,
-so I'm gonna pace. -Right, okay.
That's actually something I'd love to say to you--
-Look, I wanted to say... -No, hold on, listen,
-I really need to tell you something-- -...that to start off--
-No. No. -No, no, if I can just go first and then--
Sit down! I'm trying really hard not to lose my shit here,
and your interrupting me is not helping.
Please, sit down and shut up.
Unfortunately, I was gonna say that you actually should start,
but there's nothing that you could say
that would help me understand how you could do this to me.
And you didn't even try to explain yourself.
Are you fucking serious?
-Trying to-- -Archie, that's when you get
when those women on Dateline snap and poison their husbands.
Because I have thought about killing you.
And I know it's not smart to say out loud,
in case something weird happens and you do die,
and then somebody else in the bar is like, "Well, I heard her--
I heard her talking about how she'd kill her husband."
But we're not in a bar, so I feel pretty safe.
I could so murder you.
Good lord.
But my dad told me to be kind.
I just don't know how to get there.
I love you.
And I think we can get through this.
Okay.
Now, you talk.
It doesn't matter what you say. Just say something.
She didn't go to the dentist.
Okay, it matters a little. It can't just be gibberish.
Sunny said that she was going to the dentist,
-but she went to the doctor's. -Well, dentists are doctors.
She's pregnant.
This is what I was-- I just found out.
I love you, Katie.
I was gonna beg for you to take me back.
I have this speech where I explain everything,
but I don't make any excuses.
It's really good. I can still say it.
-Get out. -Okay.
This is my house.
Please get out, please get out, please get out.
-I really do love you, Katie. -Fuck you.
Do you know how long you're gonna be?
-Get out. -Okay.
-Are you loving the contrast? -No!
You're activating the brown fat.
Brown fat is not real.
-You don't mean that. -I do.
Now, we're gonna finish by you going under for five.
Oh!
I don't like it. I don't like it.
Oh, shit.
Oh, ah, ah! No!
No. No, no, no, no, no.
Ow!
Ow. Ah!
Oh, my, no.
Hey, Beth, I know you said that I didn't need to go see Katie,
but I did, and I'm glad that I did.
And I am so, so cold.
Call me when you can. Bye.
Oh, my gosh.
Why would you make me talk to him?
-Hey, folks. -Oh, no, this guy.
-I was with you all morning. -Wait, what?
Ma'am. Blowjob guy.
Hey.
You guys wouldn't happen to know what's going on here
-with this fire, would you? -No.
She was with me all morning.
No, I wasn't.
-Huh. -Seriously?
Okay, so immediately, conflicting stories.
Why don't you both stay here?
I'm gonna go grab my pen.
Do not leave.
Where's my pen?
-Who's got my pen? -Ah.
Shoot.
Bye-bye.