1 00:00:02,043 --> 00:00:04,323 This programme contains very strong language 2 00:00:04,363 --> 00:00:07,643 and conversations about sexual abuse that some may find upsetting 3 00:00:07,683 --> 00:00:11,083 I'm Mark O'Sullivan, and I'm an actor, a writer and a comedian. 4 00:00:11,123 --> 00:00:14,963 Nice and quiet, please. Here we go, ready. 5 00:00:15,003 --> 00:00:17,763 Rehearsing...and action. 6 00:00:20,003 --> 00:00:23,443 This is a documentary about me making a sitcom 7 00:00:23,483 --> 00:00:27,243 about being sexually abused when I was a child. 8 00:00:27,283 --> 00:00:28,683 Hi! Hi! 9 00:00:28,723 --> 00:00:33,603 Hi, guys. This is Steve! 10 00:00:33,643 --> 00:00:36,683 And cut. OK, right, is everyone ready? 11 00:00:36,723 --> 00:00:39,363 Super! Let's make magic happen. 12 00:00:51,083 --> 00:00:53,323 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 13 00:00:58,043 --> 00:01:00,403 Mark, why are you doing this? 14 00:01:23,683 --> 00:01:26,003 TAPE WHIRS 15 00:01:27,803 --> 00:01:31,763 To make this sitcom, I've got to back into my past. 16 00:01:31,803 --> 00:01:35,683 And I've got to really face the things that happened to me 17 00:01:35,723 --> 00:01:39,203 and the ways in which it's affected my life. 18 00:01:42,843 --> 00:01:45,003 I found this photo. 19 00:01:45,043 --> 00:01:46,843 We were on holiday in Norfolk. 20 00:01:46,883 --> 00:01:50,603 I know it was from before the abuse started. 21 00:01:54,523 --> 00:01:58,443 The Mark in that photo is the Mark that exists... 22 00:02:00,923 --> 00:02:04,443 ..in that other half of my life... 23 00:02:05,483 --> 00:02:08,843 ..in the pre-it-happening part. 24 00:02:08,883 --> 00:02:11,883 I can see how excited I am 25 00:02:11,923 --> 00:02:14,443 and how much I was enjoying that holiday. 26 00:02:19,563 --> 00:02:21,803 I love it and it makes me really sad. 27 00:02:21,843 --> 00:02:23,603 It makes me really, really sad. 28 00:02:29,643 --> 00:02:35,203 I must have been about 11 or 12 when it first happened. 29 00:02:36,923 --> 00:02:41,003 The man who abused me was a member of my extended family. 30 00:02:41,043 --> 00:02:42,523 He's dead now. 31 00:02:43,563 --> 00:02:45,243 And although he wasn't a blood relative, 32 00:02:45,283 --> 00:02:47,523 he was very much a part of our... 33 00:02:49,443 --> 00:02:50,443 ..our family. 34 00:02:52,843 --> 00:02:56,243 My dad died really suddenly when I was 15. 35 00:02:56,283 --> 00:02:58,163 And I hadn't told him. 36 00:03:00,563 --> 00:03:04,243 But I did try to tell my mum and she was ill. 37 00:03:04,283 --> 00:03:06,563 She died when I was 20. 38 00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:08,803 She didn't really want to kind of hear it. 39 00:03:08,843 --> 00:03:11,523 She kind of closed down the conversation straight away. 40 00:03:15,443 --> 00:03:19,003 Toni is one of my family's oldest friends, 41 00:03:19,043 --> 00:03:23,323 and she knew my mum and dad really well from way before I was born. 42 00:03:24,963 --> 00:03:26,643 Do you remember me when I was little? 43 00:03:26,683 --> 00:03:28,923 I do, yes. THEY LAUGH 44 00:03:28,963 --> 00:03:31,043 You were a dear little boy. 45 00:03:31,083 --> 00:03:34,403 I really, really kind of struggled - 46 00:03:34,443 --> 00:03:36,843 and for lots of reasons, you know. 47 00:03:36,883 --> 00:03:39,083 The reason that we're here. Hmm. 48 00:03:39,123 --> 00:03:41,163 Because of... 49 00:03:41,203 --> 00:03:42,203 Did you...? 50 00:03:43,243 --> 00:03:47,243 I never know if the people around me kind of noticed that... 51 00:03:47,283 --> 00:03:48,443 I never did. 52 00:03:48,483 --> 00:03:54,283 Really? No, cos if I'd known this, I would've took you in, Mark. 53 00:03:54,323 --> 00:03:58,643 Now, I feel really guilty knowing that this happened 54 00:03:58,683 --> 00:04:01,723 and I couldn't do any... I could've helped you, Mark. 55 00:04:01,763 --> 00:04:03,083 I was just in such a mess. 56 00:04:03,123 --> 00:04:04,283 Hmm. And I didn't know... 57 00:04:04,323 --> 00:04:06,643 I didn't know how to even talk about it, you know? 58 00:04:06,683 --> 00:04:10,283 I didn't tell anyone about what had happened to me for years. 59 00:04:10,323 --> 00:04:11,323 Yeah, I just couldn't. 60 00:04:11,363 --> 00:04:15,563 I knew as soon as I said something, it would blow everything apart. 61 00:04:15,603 --> 00:04:19,083 I mean, I used to speak to him... Yeah. 62 00:04:19,123 --> 00:04:22,043 ..walking up the road sometimes. He'd stop me, and... 63 00:04:22,083 --> 00:04:25,643 And you wouldn't know, would you? I would never have known of it, no. 64 00:04:25,683 --> 00:04:30,043 So, obviously a lot of my work in television 65 00:04:30,083 --> 00:04:31,243 has been comedy. 66 00:04:31,283 --> 00:04:32,403 That's right. 67 00:04:32,443 --> 00:04:35,803 I'm making a sitcom about being abused. 68 00:04:35,843 --> 00:04:38,283 Oh, right. A comedy? Yeah. 69 00:04:38,323 --> 00:04:40,443 Oh, OK. THEY LAUGH 70 00:04:40,483 --> 00:04:42,323 See, that's my favourite type of response. 71 00:04:42,363 --> 00:04:44,283 Yeah. Because...yeah. 72 00:04:44,323 --> 00:04:50,003 It's easier for you, obviously, to come out that way. Is it? 73 00:04:50,043 --> 00:04:52,683 You're... I think you're the first person 74 00:04:52,723 --> 00:04:54,923 to just instantly sort of get it. 75 00:04:54,963 --> 00:04:59,483 Yeah, it helps you in your way... Yeah. 76 00:04:59,523 --> 00:05:03,123 ..explaining it. Yeah, it really does, it really does. 77 00:05:06,043 --> 00:05:07,603 I'd always wanted to do comedy, 78 00:05:07,643 --> 00:05:12,723 and I remember my first time performing on stage at school - 79 00:05:12,763 --> 00:05:14,523 the sort of adulation. 80 00:05:17,843 --> 00:05:20,963 So I'd always kind of written sketches and things 81 00:05:21,003 --> 00:05:24,123 and made stupid films with my mates. 82 00:05:24,163 --> 00:05:29,123 Whenever I was doing anything like that, I felt more alive 83 00:05:29,163 --> 00:05:32,683 and happier than at any other time. 84 00:05:35,763 --> 00:05:37,683 I've been sexually abused! 85 00:05:39,283 --> 00:05:41,763 I've been sexually abused. 86 00:05:43,283 --> 00:05:45,883 I've been sexually abused! 87 00:05:45,923 --> 00:05:47,883 The sitcom I'm writing, 88 00:05:47,923 --> 00:05:51,323 I have to sort of bring it to life in the room with me. 89 00:05:51,363 --> 00:05:53,923 So I have to do all the voices. 90 00:05:53,963 --> 00:05:58,123 And then we're going to perform it in front of a live studio audience. 91 00:05:58,163 --> 00:06:01,923 I'm assuming they've told you about the old family...thing. 92 00:06:01,963 --> 00:06:03,683 The style I'm going for in the sitcom 93 00:06:03,723 --> 00:06:06,603 is sort of deliberately cartoonish. 94 00:06:06,643 --> 00:06:10,323 It's that mainstream family sitcom with a laughter track, 95 00:06:10,363 --> 00:06:13,323 the ones that I grew up watching in the '80s and '90s. 96 00:06:13,363 --> 00:06:16,683 He's a bit of a soft touch, isn't he? 97 00:06:16,723 --> 00:06:21,243 The sitcom, it's not a recreation of what happened to me. 98 00:06:21,283 --> 00:06:24,363 So, it's my story, not quite my story, 99 00:06:24,403 --> 00:06:26,603 a sort of version of me. 100 00:06:26,643 --> 00:06:30,363 I got paedo-ed. HE MAKES EXPLOSION NOISES 101 00:06:30,403 --> 00:06:31,883 Nonced. 102 00:06:31,923 --> 00:06:37,243 I'm playing the boy who's abused, who's called Mark. 103 00:06:37,283 --> 00:06:40,803 I didn't want to put someone else in that situation, 104 00:06:40,843 --> 00:06:44,563 because you'd be watching someone young and vulnerable 105 00:06:44,603 --> 00:06:47,803 actually being groomed and actually being abused. 106 00:06:47,843 --> 00:06:50,923 It's not the sort of thing you just come out with. 107 00:06:50,963 --> 00:06:55,203 I said to the abuser, many years later, 108 00:06:55,243 --> 00:06:58,643 I said, "If I ever find out you've done it to anyone else, 109 00:06:58,683 --> 00:07:01,523 "I will go to the police," and that's what happened. 110 00:07:01,563 --> 00:07:05,603 I was in my early 30s. 111 00:07:05,643 --> 00:07:08,683 Where do you allege the defendant touched you? 112 00:07:08,723 --> 00:07:11,243 So there's a court case in the sitcom. 113 00:07:11,283 --> 00:07:13,043 And even though in real life, 114 00:07:13,083 --> 00:07:18,083 the real court case was awful and traumatic, 115 00:07:18,123 --> 00:07:23,523 it's the bit where I realise so many stupidly hilarious things happened. 116 00:07:23,563 --> 00:07:24,763 You scatter his ashes. 117 00:07:26,443 --> 00:07:29,283 Take him. No, you scatter him. It's your dad. 118 00:07:29,323 --> 00:07:32,643 Miles and I have been best friends for almost 20 years. 119 00:07:32,683 --> 00:07:34,443 And we knew as soon as we met 120 00:07:34,483 --> 00:07:38,443 that we found the same horribly dark things funny. 121 00:07:38,483 --> 00:07:40,043 I want you to do it. I want you to do it. 122 00:07:40,083 --> 00:07:41,723 And he would want you to do it as well. I don't want to do it. 123 00:07:41,763 --> 00:07:43,243 I don't want to do it, you are going to do it. 124 00:07:43,283 --> 00:07:44,443 Yeah, but he would want you to. 125 00:07:44,483 --> 00:07:46,003 DISTANTLY: You're going to scatter the ashes! 126 00:07:46,043 --> 00:07:47,243 You're going to scatter the ashes! 127 00:07:47,283 --> 00:07:49,403 YELLING 128 00:07:49,443 --> 00:07:52,603 Miles, as well as being my comedy writing partner, 129 00:07:52,643 --> 00:07:54,243 came to the court case with me. 130 00:07:55,363 --> 00:07:57,723 And because I, as a witness, wasn't allowed to sit in 131 00:07:57,763 --> 00:08:00,443 on the court case, he would sit in. 132 00:08:00,483 --> 00:08:03,003 So he actually saw more of the court case than I did. 133 00:08:04,243 --> 00:08:09,243 Do you remember the last thing the defence barrister said to me? I do. 134 00:08:09,283 --> 00:08:11,363 "He's a bit of a soft touch, isn't he?" 135 00:08:11,403 --> 00:08:14,163 That's exactly what they said to me. Which was like... 136 00:08:15,923 --> 00:08:19,203 ..you know. I know, it wasn't... It was really uncomfortable. 137 00:08:19,243 --> 00:08:21,043 Really uncomfo-... And do you know what...? But funny. 138 00:08:21,083 --> 00:08:22,123 But funny. 139 00:08:22,163 --> 00:08:24,563 But it's so fucked up. 140 00:08:24,603 --> 00:08:26,523 You know me better than... 141 00:08:26,563 --> 00:08:28,123 Yeah. ..anyone. 142 00:08:28,163 --> 00:08:32,483 Yeah. Like, if you had to explain why I was doing this, 143 00:08:32,523 --> 00:08:33,883 what would... What would you say? 144 00:08:33,923 --> 00:08:36,363 The best way to deal with anything that's really traumatic 145 00:08:36,403 --> 00:08:38,443 is through humour, without a doubt. 146 00:08:38,483 --> 00:08:40,843 It takes its... 147 00:08:40,883 --> 00:08:42,683 It takes its sting away. 148 00:08:42,723 --> 00:08:44,283 And, you know, some people might say 149 00:08:44,323 --> 00:08:46,043 that you're being indulgent by doing this. 150 00:08:46,083 --> 00:08:47,643 I don't think so. But I think you're... 151 00:08:47,683 --> 00:08:49,643 Who's saying... Who's saying I'm being indulgent? 152 00:08:49,683 --> 00:08:51,283 Are you saying I'm being...? No, I'm just saying. 153 00:08:51,323 --> 00:08:52,683 Some pe-...? Who are these "some people"? 154 00:08:52,723 --> 00:08:54,563 Well, I don't know. We'll find out, won't we? 155 00:08:54,603 --> 00:08:56,963 LAUGHTER 156 00:08:58,403 --> 00:09:00,443 Have you ever had a day where you haven't thought about it? 157 00:09:00,483 --> 00:09:01,483 No. 158 00:09:04,523 --> 00:09:05,523 Horrible. 159 00:09:07,443 --> 00:09:08,803 Yeah, that's really horrible. 160 00:09:08,843 --> 00:09:14,043 I wish I didn't feel as vulnerable as I feel all the time. 161 00:09:14,083 --> 00:09:19,123 But when you and I make these jokes, I don't feel like a victim. No. 162 00:09:19,163 --> 00:09:22,123 I sort of feel like the victor, 163 00:09:22,163 --> 00:09:26,323 because look what we look what... Look what we've done to it. 164 00:09:26,363 --> 00:09:29,123 Sucking all the horribleness and the shit out of it... Yeah. 165 00:09:29,163 --> 00:09:33,043 ..and seeing it for what it is, you know. 166 00:09:33,083 --> 00:09:34,363 What is it? Don't know. 167 00:09:34,403 --> 00:09:36,123 Sexual abuse, innit? Sorry. 168 00:09:36,163 --> 00:09:38,043 See, again, see, you're laugh-... See, that's... 169 00:09:38,083 --> 00:09:40,123 Oh, no, I-I am. That makes me happy because... 170 00:09:40,163 --> 00:09:41,563 Honestly, this is... ..we're dealing with a, 171 00:09:41,603 --> 00:09:42,843 This is... This is it - you're dealing with 172 00:09:42,883 --> 00:09:44,883 an incredibly dark, uncomfortable subject... 173 00:09:44,923 --> 00:09:47,403 Yeah. ..by laughing at it. How good is that? 174 00:09:47,443 --> 00:09:50,323 And not... Maybe not many people would want to do it that way. 175 00:09:50,363 --> 00:09:53,923 No, I mean, yeah, I could've written a poem couldn't I, or...? Yeah. 176 00:09:53,963 --> 00:09:55,203 Or just shut up about it. 177 00:10:02,723 --> 00:10:04,363 Day one rehearsals. 178 00:10:04,403 --> 00:10:07,243 We're going to look at those scenes between Mark 179 00:10:07,283 --> 00:10:10,723 and the defence barrister, all the courtroom scenes. 180 00:10:10,763 --> 00:10:13,083 There's another character joining us today 181 00:10:13,123 --> 00:10:16,123 which I am properly excited about revealing - 182 00:10:16,163 --> 00:10:18,363 and that is Uncle Steve. 183 00:10:19,843 --> 00:10:21,323 When did I tell you about it? 184 00:10:21,363 --> 00:10:24,883 Cos we've known each other for so many years. 185 00:10:24,923 --> 00:10:26,923 I don't know. I was thinking about this the other day. 186 00:10:26,963 --> 00:10:32,603 I think it was probably pretty early on in our working relationship. 187 00:10:33,843 --> 00:10:36,603 Er... But I think that's because you find it easier to talk about 188 00:10:36,643 --> 00:10:39,683 when you're taking the piss. Really? 189 00:10:39,723 --> 00:10:42,403 Yeah...Yeah, when you're joking about it, you find it easier 190 00:10:42,443 --> 00:10:44,563 to talk about, I think. Yeah. 191 00:10:44,603 --> 00:10:45,683 You've got to go really careful. 192 00:10:45,723 --> 00:10:47,483 Like, the title in itself is going to make some people 193 00:10:47,523 --> 00:10:49,723 feel really uncomfortable. Yeah. 194 00:10:49,763 --> 00:10:53,563 And I think that's why it's clever to do that sitcom world - 195 00:10:53,603 --> 00:10:56,603 cos everyone feels comfortable there. Like, "Oh, OK. It can't..." 196 00:10:56,643 --> 00:10:58,123 It can't be that bad if it's in a sitcom. 197 00:10:58,163 --> 00:10:59,803 Yeah, "They're not going to do anything really awful 198 00:10:59,843 --> 00:11:01,763 "cos we're in the..." Like, "We know there's an audience." 199 00:11:01,803 --> 00:11:02,803 The point you're trying to make is, 200 00:11:02,843 --> 00:11:05,003 "No-one talks about this cos it's so uncomfortable, 201 00:11:05,043 --> 00:11:08,003 "so if I make it not uncomfortable, perhaps we can talk about it." 202 00:11:08,043 --> 00:11:10,563 That's the judge there. 203 00:11:10,603 --> 00:11:15,683 This is me where I'm going to be giving my evidence here. 204 00:11:15,723 --> 00:11:19,083 And then in the dock, you know, our paedophile. 205 00:11:19,123 --> 00:11:21,083 Our p... Our paedop-... Our paedophile? 206 00:11:21,123 --> 00:11:22,443 The people's paedophile. 207 00:11:22,483 --> 00:11:25,043 Hey, this... He's OUR paedophile. 208 00:11:25,083 --> 00:11:27,043 THE paedophile. The paedophile. 209 00:11:27,083 --> 00:11:29,163 The paedophile... 210 00:11:29,203 --> 00:11:30,883 ..is a bear. 211 00:11:36,883 --> 00:11:37,883 Fucking hell. 212 00:11:41,283 --> 00:11:45,563 I spent a long time thinking about how to show the abuser. 213 00:11:47,443 --> 00:11:50,723 You don't expect a teddy bear to be sexually abusing kids. 214 00:11:50,763 --> 00:11:53,723 And also he doesn't speak... 215 00:11:55,043 --> 00:11:57,683 ..so we don't have to try and get into his mind at all. 216 00:11:57,723 --> 00:12:01,123 Could you please describe to the court in the simplest terms possible 217 00:12:01,163 --> 00:12:03,323 why you are here to give testimony today? 218 00:12:03,363 --> 00:12:06,283 So I'm here because I was... 219 00:12:06,323 --> 00:12:10,163 ..diddled, fiddled. 220 00:12:10,203 --> 00:12:14,443 I was abused, sexually abused. 221 00:12:14,483 --> 00:12:18,163 And can you see the individual you accuse of abusing you in this room? 222 00:12:18,203 --> 00:12:20,283 Yes, yes, I can. 223 00:12:22,043 --> 00:12:23,803 He's over there. 224 00:12:23,843 --> 00:12:26,003 HE LAUGHS 225 00:12:26,043 --> 00:12:27,043 Fucking hell. 226 00:12:28,123 --> 00:12:30,923 I don't know which way to go with the bear. 227 00:12:30,963 --> 00:12:33,643 It's a really odd thing to be doing 228 00:12:33,683 --> 00:12:36,763 and an unpredictable thing to be doing. 229 00:12:36,803 --> 00:12:38,963 It could be a disaster. 230 00:12:39,003 --> 00:12:42,443 People might be outraged or offended, 231 00:12:42,483 --> 00:12:46,083 and how on earth can you laugh at such a serious matter? 232 00:12:46,123 --> 00:12:50,763 I'm not laughing at sexual abuse. 233 00:12:50,803 --> 00:12:53,483 And I'm not laughing at victims of sexual abuse. 234 00:12:57,283 --> 00:13:00,603 So, I'm looking for a location to film the courtroom scenes 235 00:13:00,643 --> 00:13:01,763 in the sitcom. 236 00:13:09,083 --> 00:13:12,923 This is sort of scarily perfect, 237 00:13:12,963 --> 00:13:17,083 but it's sort... It's horrible...in a good way. 238 00:13:20,563 --> 00:13:26,403 And even though I was like in my 30s when my case went to court, 239 00:13:26,443 --> 00:13:29,083 I was in my 30s when I reported what had happened to me 240 00:13:29,123 --> 00:13:30,763 to the police... 241 00:13:31,803 --> 00:13:34,923 ..it was, you know, impossible to be in a room like this 242 00:13:34,963 --> 00:13:38,083 and not feel really small and vulnerable again. 243 00:13:39,163 --> 00:13:41,523 All these people there doing their job, 244 00:13:41,563 --> 00:13:44,123 and their job is to listen 245 00:13:44,163 --> 00:13:46,203 to someone like me describing... 246 00:13:48,683 --> 00:13:51,723 ..one of the very worst moments of my life. 247 00:13:54,403 --> 00:13:59,683 Giving evidence, being cross-examined is horrific. 248 00:13:59,723 --> 00:14:05,643 And it was just hours and hours and hours of, "You're lying." 249 00:14:05,683 --> 00:14:10,843 And then even when he was found guilty 250 00:14:10,883 --> 00:14:14,123 and went to prison, 251 00:14:14,163 --> 00:14:20,723 then there are still people in my family saying it didn't happen. 252 00:14:20,763 --> 00:14:24,123 You know, "You're still lying. We're the victims here." 253 00:14:24,163 --> 00:14:25,363 "We're the victims." 254 00:14:29,963 --> 00:14:31,483 It honestly... 255 00:14:34,963 --> 00:14:36,563 ..never ends. 256 00:14:41,123 --> 00:14:42,843 Well... 257 00:14:42,883 --> 00:14:47,683 What I hope is that this sitcom... 258 00:14:47,723 --> 00:14:52,003 Somehow, I think this is my full stop. 259 00:15:02,603 --> 00:15:04,563 THEY LAUGH 260 00:15:06,923 --> 00:15:09,203 Steve! 261 00:15:09,243 --> 00:15:11,083 I would... I'd get rid right in my grille. 262 00:15:11,123 --> 00:15:13,163 Yeah... Yeah, yeah. Like, force me back. 263 00:15:13,203 --> 00:15:15,963 Er... Steve, I... Yeah. 264 00:15:16,003 --> 00:15:17,843 THEY LAUGH Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! 265 00:15:17,883 --> 00:15:19,283 That's it, yeah, yeah. 266 00:15:19,323 --> 00:15:22,283 So today we're rehearsing all of the sitcom scenes, 267 00:15:22,323 --> 00:15:26,323 the ones that we're going to be doing live in front of the studio audience. 268 00:15:26,363 --> 00:15:28,963 For the first time, we've got the full cast. 269 00:15:29,003 --> 00:15:34,043 So joining me and Sam and Cariad are Rufus Jones, who's playing my dad... 270 00:15:34,083 --> 00:15:35,603 Nice, nice to meet you. D-do you... 271 00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:37,763 Do you h... What do you drive? The... 272 00:15:37,803 --> 00:15:39,403 THEY LAUGH 273 00:15:39,443 --> 00:15:42,043 ..and Ellie Taylor, who's playing my mum. 274 00:15:42,083 --> 00:15:43,563 Are they here yet? 275 00:15:43,603 --> 00:15:47,763 The reason for me setting this in a family domestic setting 276 00:15:47,803 --> 00:15:51,723 is because that is where most cases of abuse happen. 277 00:15:51,763 --> 00:15:55,843 What I want this family to represent is kind of every family. 278 00:15:55,883 --> 00:15:58,443 Hi, Jim's the name. 279 00:15:58,483 --> 00:16:00,123 There's the mum and dad. 280 00:16:00,163 --> 00:16:03,603 GASPS: They're here. They're here. Right, cushions! Cushions, cushions! 281 00:16:03,643 --> 00:16:07,923 Then there's the sister of the mum, Auntie Becks. 282 00:16:07,963 --> 00:16:10,203 SHE LAUGHS Hi! Hi. 283 00:16:10,243 --> 00:16:12,963 Guys, this is... SHE CHUCKLES 284 00:16:14,683 --> 00:16:16,643 ..Steve! Hi! 285 00:16:16,683 --> 00:16:21,403 She's the person who brings in Steve. 286 00:16:21,443 --> 00:16:22,643 And everyone loves him... 287 00:16:24,003 --> 00:16:27,923 ..which is what happened in my real story. 288 00:16:27,963 --> 00:16:31,403 And so for that reason, it makes sense that we use 289 00:16:31,443 --> 00:16:35,043 the same actor to play the aunt and the barrister. 290 00:16:35,083 --> 00:16:38,963 The Auntie Becks character, in real life, 291 00:16:39,003 --> 00:16:42,323 you know, was the villain just because she didn't... 292 00:16:43,883 --> 00:16:45,843 Well, I suppose because she didn't believe me. 293 00:16:45,883 --> 00:16:49,083 But then the other villain, you know, for me was... 294 00:16:49,123 --> 00:16:50,803 ..was the defence barrister. Yeah, yeah. 295 00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:51,963 So... 296 00:16:53,563 --> 00:16:54,603 What do you think? 297 00:16:54,643 --> 00:16:56,323 I think he is lovely. 298 00:16:56,363 --> 00:16:58,043 Oh, isn't he? Hmm. 299 00:16:58,083 --> 00:17:00,083 Yes, and he is fit. 300 00:17:00,123 --> 00:17:02,563 Oh, my God, he's so fit! So fit. So fit. 301 00:17:02,603 --> 00:17:06,683 Uh, so Steve actually fancies a breath of fresh air, everyone. 302 00:17:06,723 --> 00:17:10,283 Erm... Mark, do you, do you, do you want to kick about with him? 303 00:17:11,643 --> 00:17:12,843 Oh, great, great, I mean... 304 00:17:12,883 --> 00:17:16,083 It's really easy to think that this only happens 305 00:17:16,123 --> 00:17:19,483 to certain kids in certain types of family. 306 00:17:19,523 --> 00:17:21,683 And what I'm desperate to show with this is that 307 00:17:21,723 --> 00:17:25,643 it can and does happen anywhere to anyone. 308 00:17:31,363 --> 00:17:35,563 A couple of years ago, some friends of ours had just bought a VR headset 309 00:17:35,603 --> 00:17:37,643 and it was amazing. 310 00:17:37,683 --> 00:17:40,043 And when I was playing with it, I thought, "I can make anything here." 311 00:17:40,083 --> 00:17:43,963 Then I thought, "I could make the house I grew up in." 312 00:17:44,003 --> 00:17:45,323 And I did. 313 00:17:45,363 --> 00:17:48,923 And then I thought, "I wonder what it would be like 314 00:17:48,963 --> 00:17:53,963 "to build the room where I was first abused." 315 00:17:57,123 --> 00:18:01,243 And being in that space, I mean, it WAS weird. 316 00:18:02,403 --> 00:18:04,403 But I was there on my terms 317 00:18:04,443 --> 00:18:06,603 and I could control what happened in it. 318 00:18:08,203 --> 00:18:10,683 I'm sure there are parallels between that 319 00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:11,723 and this sitcom. 320 00:18:12,843 --> 00:18:15,283 You know, cour-... I mean, of course there are. 321 00:18:26,523 --> 00:18:27,723 This is the room. 322 00:18:33,323 --> 00:18:39,203 And then down here was a big old wardrobe. 323 00:18:42,323 --> 00:18:45,283 And I remember it had... 324 00:18:45,323 --> 00:18:50,083 ..soft toys all along the top of it, all staring at me. 325 00:18:51,923 --> 00:18:53,523 How did it start? 326 00:18:53,563 --> 00:18:58,083 I was asked if I could stay round at his and... 327 00:18:58,123 --> 00:19:01,403 ..his partner used to work nights. 328 00:19:01,443 --> 00:19:03,843 They wanted someone in the house 329 00:19:03,883 --> 00:19:06,043 because they were worried that he wouldn't wake up 330 00:19:06,083 --> 00:19:10,523 if their baby woke up. I'd expected to be sort of sleeping in the room 331 00:19:10,563 --> 00:19:12,483 with the baby cos there was a... 332 00:19:12,523 --> 00:19:14,443 There was a single bed in there as well, 333 00:19:14,483 --> 00:19:17,683 but as we were going to bed, he said, 334 00:19:17,723 --> 00:19:20,363 "I don't want you sort of disturbing the baby by going in there." 335 00:19:20,403 --> 00:19:22,723 "Why don't you sleep in the double bed with me?" 336 00:19:25,003 --> 00:19:26,603 And that's when everything changed. 337 00:19:28,923 --> 00:19:30,443 That's where he was, 338 00:19:30,483 --> 00:19:32,403 that side of the bed nearest the window. 339 00:19:33,723 --> 00:19:38,923 And this is the side that I slept on. 340 00:19:38,963 --> 00:19:43,403 And even though it's the closest to the door, 341 00:19:43,443 --> 00:19:46,203 I still felt completely trapped in here. 342 00:19:50,203 --> 00:19:53,163 11, 12-year-old kid. 343 00:19:53,203 --> 00:20:00,443 And he, you know, forced me to be a sexual object. 344 00:20:01,683 --> 00:20:03,283 It's not like a conversation about it, 345 00:20:03,323 --> 00:20:06,403 suddenly you are a sexual object, 346 00:20:06,443 --> 00:20:09,443 you're being used for sexual gratification 347 00:20:09,483 --> 00:20:14,083 at a time when your body and your mind just aren't ready for it. 348 00:20:14,123 --> 00:20:16,683 And that fucks you up. 349 00:20:18,043 --> 00:20:22,203 It fucks you up at the time and it fucks you up for the... 350 00:20:22,243 --> 00:20:23,603 For years after. 351 00:20:40,323 --> 00:20:41,323 I mean... 352 00:20:42,723 --> 00:20:44,643 ..lots of things happened over the years, 353 00:20:44,683 --> 00:20:48,403 but this first time... 354 00:20:49,963 --> 00:20:51,243 ..was the worst. 355 00:20:55,603 --> 00:20:59,083 Sexual abuse is the ultimate kind of loss of control. 356 00:20:59,123 --> 00:21:01,443 Any type of sort of sexual violence like that, 357 00:21:01,483 --> 00:21:03,363 you're rendered powerless. 358 00:21:04,883 --> 00:21:08,603 And because you can't - or at least I couldn't - say anything, 359 00:21:08,643 --> 00:21:12,003 I couldn't tell anyone who could do something about it. 360 00:21:12,043 --> 00:21:15,363 I'm tying myself up in knots here. You sort of feel like you're... 361 00:21:17,603 --> 00:21:21,883 ..you're somehow complicit in what happened to you. 362 00:21:21,923 --> 00:21:24,363 I was kind of defective, I was wrong. 363 00:21:26,523 --> 00:21:30,363 And I didn't want anyone to see how broken I was. 364 00:21:31,643 --> 00:21:34,283 So why didn't you tell anyone when it happened? 365 00:21:34,323 --> 00:21:36,403 Why did you wait so long? 366 00:21:36,443 --> 00:21:40,403 Well, it's not the sort of thing you just come out with. 367 00:21:40,443 --> 00:21:42,603 You can't just go, "Dad?" Yeah? 368 00:21:42,643 --> 00:21:44,523 "I've been sexually abused!" 369 00:21:44,563 --> 00:21:46,483 Oh, right. Erm, have you seen your mum? 370 00:21:46,523 --> 00:21:48,963 I want to show her the latest creation. 371 00:21:49,003 --> 00:21:54,203 I think I'm laughing at intricate webs we all weave 372 00:21:54,243 --> 00:21:58,363 as families that allow these things to happen. 373 00:21:58,403 --> 00:22:01,403 People tend to take sides. 374 00:22:02,683 --> 00:22:05,203 Me going to the police and it going to court 375 00:22:05,243 --> 00:22:08,483 absolutely cut the family in half. 376 00:22:08,523 --> 00:22:11,683 And my favourite aunt didn't understand why 377 00:22:11,723 --> 00:22:13,603 I didn't want to see her any more. 378 00:22:13,643 --> 00:22:15,763 The member of my family who was married to him, 379 00:22:15,803 --> 00:22:18,363 she was probably the member of my family 380 00:22:18,403 --> 00:22:21,163 that I was closest to growing up. 381 00:22:21,203 --> 00:22:23,203 When she did eventually find out, 382 00:22:23,243 --> 00:22:27,283 you know, she sided with him and I can't forgive her. 383 00:22:30,323 --> 00:22:32,723 And I don't think I'll ever, ever forgive her. 384 00:22:40,363 --> 00:22:43,723 Despite still being sort of 17 in my head, 385 00:22:43,763 --> 00:22:48,723 somehow I've been married for 16 years to Jen 386 00:22:48,763 --> 00:22:51,323 and I have two teenage children. 387 00:22:55,443 --> 00:22:58,163 I think when I met Jen, I had to tell her at some point 388 00:22:58,203 --> 00:23:01,683 because, you know, members of my family came to our wedding. 389 00:23:04,723 --> 00:23:06,403 The thing is, you met him. 390 00:23:06,443 --> 00:23:09,523 Yeah, I do remember going round there 391 00:23:09,563 --> 00:23:12,843 and just thinking, "This is weird that we're sat here," cos, like, 392 00:23:12,883 --> 00:23:16,243 I'm sat here knowing what that man did... What he did. 393 00:23:16,283 --> 00:23:18,883 ..and we're sitting here talking about... 394 00:23:20,883 --> 00:23:22,603 ..nothing, really. Yeah. 395 00:23:22,643 --> 00:23:25,083 Like, small talk. Having to pretend. 396 00:23:25,123 --> 00:23:26,963 Yeah, that everything's fine. Everything's OK, yeah. 397 00:23:27,003 --> 00:23:29,643 And the people who supported him and looked the other way 398 00:23:29,683 --> 00:23:33,203 and pretended it hadn't happened... For me, that's almost worse. ..were bad people. 399 00:23:33,243 --> 00:23:36,163 Really? I don't... I'm not... I don't mean it's worse, 400 00:23:36,203 --> 00:23:37,243 it's just as bad. 401 00:23:38,403 --> 00:23:41,283 Like, not even thinking for one second 402 00:23:41,323 --> 00:23:44,923 about how that sort of destroyed you as a child, 403 00:23:44,963 --> 00:23:48,003 that made me really, really cross with all of them. 404 00:23:48,043 --> 00:23:50,363 That's unforgivable as well. 405 00:23:50,403 --> 00:23:53,523 See, I sort of... I'm sort of worried about asking this. 406 00:23:53,563 --> 00:23:55,363 Mm-hm? Do you... 407 00:23:56,803 --> 00:23:59,963 Do you see it affecting me kind of? 408 00:24:00,003 --> 00:24:01,203 Yeah. 409 00:24:01,243 --> 00:24:02,963 OK. THEY LAUGH 410 00:24:03,003 --> 00:24:06,323 Yeah. Er, it's a massive effect. 411 00:24:06,363 --> 00:24:09,643 And I think it's something you've been trying to process for decades 412 00:24:09,683 --> 00:24:14,563 and a part of you is still trapped in that young boy. Like... 413 00:24:14,603 --> 00:24:17,643 Oh, yeah... Yeah. It kind of stopped certain elements 414 00:24:17,683 --> 00:24:20,563 of you growing up enough... 415 00:24:20,603 --> 00:24:21,843 ..if you don't mind me saying. 416 00:24:21,883 --> 00:24:24,403 No, I don't at all. No, I think you're right. 417 00:24:24,443 --> 00:24:26,123 I think you're absolutely right. 418 00:24:27,323 --> 00:24:31,923 I remember so clearly the night that I found out 419 00:24:31,963 --> 00:24:34,923 he'd abused someone else. Hmm. 420 00:24:34,963 --> 00:24:38,083 What did you think when I said, "I'm going to go to the police"? 421 00:24:38,123 --> 00:24:41,283 I remember thinking it was a really good thing for you to be doing, 422 00:24:41,323 --> 00:24:44,963 but also was really worried cos obviously it was starting 423 00:24:45,003 --> 00:24:46,683 a real shit storm, really. 424 00:24:46,723 --> 00:24:49,403 Yeah. Because... And it was, wasn't it? Yeah. 425 00:24:49,443 --> 00:24:52,363 It's almost like that little boy was really coming out, 426 00:24:52,403 --> 00:24:55,723 and you were actually quite difficult, 427 00:24:55,763 --> 00:24:58,523 if you don't mind me saying. No, I don't at all. I... 428 00:24:58,563 --> 00:25:00,163 Yeah, I know. I know I was. 429 00:25:00,203 --> 00:25:01,443 And it was like... 430 00:25:01,483 --> 00:25:05,043 It was a really unpleasant time. Yeah. 431 00:25:05,083 --> 00:25:08,683 Did... Did you mind that I didn't ask you to come to the court? 432 00:25:08,723 --> 00:25:10,843 Erm... 433 00:25:10,883 --> 00:25:13,923 I didn't mind. And in some ways, it was a bit of a relief. 434 00:25:13,963 --> 00:25:15,283 Was it? But it did make... 435 00:25:17,883 --> 00:25:19,123 Oh, if I'm going to be completely honest, 436 00:25:19,163 --> 00:25:21,283 it sort of made me worry about us a little bit. 437 00:25:21,323 --> 00:25:24,723 Oh, really? Yeah. Cos it was like, "Well, why... 438 00:25:24,763 --> 00:25:29,243 "Why didn't you want me there in that kind of biggest moment?" 439 00:25:29,283 --> 00:25:30,443 Not biggest moment, 440 00:25:30,483 --> 00:25:34,323 in that very emotionally vulnerable moment sort of thing. 441 00:25:34,363 --> 00:25:36,123 Oh, I didn't realise that. 442 00:25:36,163 --> 00:25:38,483 I didn't not want you there for any bad reason. 443 00:25:38,523 --> 00:25:40,043 No, no, and I sort of knew... 444 00:25:40,083 --> 00:25:42,923 I know that, but I think it was just such an emotionally 445 00:25:42,963 --> 00:25:46,043 and sort of awful and stressful time anyway, 446 00:25:46,083 --> 00:25:48,763 it was just like another layer on top of that, 447 00:25:48,803 --> 00:25:50,203 if you know what I mean. 448 00:25:51,683 --> 00:25:53,963 I'm sorry that you were worried about us, though. That's all right. 449 00:25:54,003 --> 00:25:56,323 I know. I probably should've said something at the time, 450 00:25:56,363 --> 00:25:58,763 but it was all a bit much, really, wasn't it? 451 00:26:03,363 --> 00:26:06,283 I don't know that we've ever said all of that. 452 00:26:06,323 --> 00:26:10,163 You know, I've al-... I've always known that it affects not only me, 453 00:26:10,203 --> 00:26:13,763 but to hear it...is a bit difficult, you know? 454 00:26:16,083 --> 00:26:22,883 I don't... I don't think I could do much without Jen there as support. 455 00:26:22,923 --> 00:26:24,883 You know, kind of doing this, 456 00:26:24,923 --> 00:26:28,283 I don't think I'd feel strong enough to do it without her. 457 00:26:39,563 --> 00:26:41,483 So what are we doing with this hair? We gonna...? 458 00:26:41,523 --> 00:26:44,083 Oh, that was good, what you did then. Yeah, just like that. 459 00:26:44,123 --> 00:26:46,243 Yes! That sort of sweep... That's perfect. ..to one side. 460 00:26:46,283 --> 00:26:48,603 I think... Yeah. I think that works. 461 00:26:50,483 --> 00:26:54,763 I mean, obviously, you know, it's a 46-year-old man 462 00:26:54,803 --> 00:26:58,523 dressed up like a 12-year-old, but that's OK. But it works. 463 00:26:58,563 --> 00:27:01,923 Today is the first day of filming the sitcom. 464 00:27:01,963 --> 00:27:04,403 These scenes, all the location scenes, 465 00:27:04,443 --> 00:27:06,123 we're going to cut those together, 466 00:27:06,163 --> 00:27:09,843 and then they're kind of played in to the studio 467 00:27:09,883 --> 00:27:13,843 at the points where those scenes happen within the story. 468 00:27:15,803 --> 00:27:16,803 Thank you. 469 00:27:18,243 --> 00:27:21,123 We're filming the scenes where Uncle Steve 470 00:27:21,163 --> 00:27:25,843 grooms 12-year-old Mark, playing football with him. 471 00:27:25,883 --> 00:27:27,443 The actual grooming. 472 00:27:27,483 --> 00:27:30,483 What I really want to know, Sam, is, can you molest a child 473 00:27:30,523 --> 00:27:33,323 with the... With the... ..with the belly on? Yeah. With the belly. Yeah. 474 00:27:33,363 --> 00:27:35,043 I don't think the belly's going to stop me. 475 00:27:35,083 --> 00:27:36,923 LAUGHTER 476 00:27:36,963 --> 00:27:39,243 Shall we see what happens? 477 00:27:39,283 --> 00:27:41,523 OK. All right. 478 00:27:41,563 --> 00:27:44,243 Ready when you are. All right. 479 00:27:45,363 --> 00:27:48,283 All right, then. Yeah. Let's do this, yeah. 480 00:27:49,963 --> 00:27:51,083 Action. 481 00:27:55,443 --> 00:27:56,603 That's good. 482 00:27:56,643 --> 00:27:57,883 Oh, my God! 483 00:27:57,923 --> 00:28:00,403 Yeah. Oh, wait, wait. Oh, it's so horrible. 484 00:28:08,163 --> 00:28:09,963 Playing a 12-year-old today... 485 00:28:10,003 --> 00:28:12,523 I mean, it should be hard, but I find it quite easy. 486 00:28:12,563 --> 00:28:16,003 Cos I-I don't think I've ever quite sort of grown out of being a kid, 487 00:28:16,043 --> 00:28:19,283 so it sort of feels like it comes quite naturally - 488 00:28:19,323 --> 00:28:23,283 even though in, you know, the context of it, it's horrible. 489 00:28:23,323 --> 00:28:24,443 And cut there. Good. 490 00:28:24,483 --> 00:28:26,563 Yeah? Can we watch that? Yeah. 491 00:28:26,603 --> 00:28:28,763 That, that... That's brilliant, that's fucking great. 492 00:28:28,803 --> 00:28:31,083 All right, let's do one more of those, I think. Yeah. 493 00:28:31,123 --> 00:28:32,483 THEY LAUGH 494 00:28:32,523 --> 00:28:34,883 I think the only way to approach these scenes 495 00:28:34,923 --> 00:28:38,803 is that they are fun comedy - cos you're watching something silly - 496 00:28:38,843 --> 00:28:39,923 and that's what this is all about. 497 00:28:39,963 --> 00:28:43,643 It's about sort of trying to get the audience to forget 498 00:28:43,683 --> 00:28:46,043 whilst sort of leading them into a place 499 00:28:46,083 --> 00:28:48,683 where they absolutely have to face it as well. 500 00:28:50,243 --> 00:28:53,883 I think it's all about sort of dressing it up like this, 501 00:28:53,923 --> 00:28:55,923 as something that's innocent and fun, 502 00:28:55,963 --> 00:28:57,923 because that's what it looks like. 503 00:28:57,963 --> 00:29:01,083 If a paedophile starts abusing a child, 504 00:29:01,123 --> 00:29:03,363 they don't kind of turn up in a cape. 505 00:29:03,403 --> 00:29:06,443 The man who abused me, we went on fun days out, 506 00:29:06,483 --> 00:29:09,803 I had a great time with him, a lot of the time. 507 00:29:09,843 --> 00:29:11,323 It was great until it wasn't. 508 00:29:13,323 --> 00:29:15,483 And that's what this should feel like. 509 00:29:15,523 --> 00:29:17,803 It should feel great until it isn't. 510 00:29:17,843 --> 00:29:20,603 Don't... I wouldn't talk to him. No. 511 00:29:20,643 --> 00:29:23,203 For lots of reasons. Erm, OK. 512 00:29:25,123 --> 00:29:26,443 I do understand, 513 00:29:26,483 --> 00:29:32,643 you know, I'm putting myself back in that position of vulnerability. 514 00:29:32,683 --> 00:29:37,603 If I were a therapist, I'd probably be probing into 515 00:29:37,643 --> 00:29:41,923 why I feel the need to basically 516 00:29:41,963 --> 00:29:44,483 be the victim in a recreation of abuse. 517 00:29:48,283 --> 00:29:53,443 So, what are you looking to get out of this sitcom, then? 518 00:29:53,483 --> 00:29:55,043 I want to make people laugh. 519 00:29:55,083 --> 00:29:56,803 Yeah, that's only half of it. 520 00:29:56,843 --> 00:29:59,443 The other half is that I... I want to do this, 521 00:29:59,483 --> 00:30:02,723 I want to express this. 522 00:30:04,523 --> 00:30:06,403 I want to make something positive 523 00:30:06,443 --> 00:30:10,043 out of something that was really, really not positive. 524 00:30:10,083 --> 00:30:13,403 Is it is some sort of recovery 525 00:30:13,443 --> 00:30:17,963 in changing or shaping the narrative to what you want? 526 00:30:18,003 --> 00:30:20,203 Yeah, I'd have thought... I think so. 527 00:30:20,243 --> 00:30:24,243 And I think that's the helplessness that most victims, 528 00:30:24,283 --> 00:30:26,123 particularly children, don't have. 529 00:30:26,163 --> 00:30:28,883 Yeah. They don't control the narrative. 530 00:30:28,923 --> 00:30:31,123 No, it's... You're just part of it. 531 00:30:31,163 --> 00:30:34,123 And it's kind of forced upon you. Hmm. 532 00:30:34,163 --> 00:30:37,883 You know, and that happens when the sexual abuse happens. 533 00:30:37,923 --> 00:30:40,803 And it happens when you're not taken seriously. 534 00:30:40,843 --> 00:30:45,603 In my family, you know, when I tried to tell people, it was... 535 00:30:45,643 --> 00:30:48,403 It was not something they wanted to hear. 536 00:30:48,443 --> 00:30:50,403 Not being seen, 537 00:30:50,443 --> 00:30:51,883 not being taken seriously 538 00:30:51,923 --> 00:30:57,243 and not even having someone to tell, I think, is... 539 00:30:57,283 --> 00:31:00,443 ..is one of the hardest things, especially when you do speak up 540 00:31:00,483 --> 00:31:06,083 and people don't take it seriously or they perhaps don't believe you. 541 00:31:06,123 --> 00:31:10,283 Maybe that's why it's so important for you that you share this, 542 00:31:10,323 --> 00:31:13,083 that you put a spotlight on it. 543 00:31:14,603 --> 00:31:19,843 It's... A lot of it is probably, you know, that child inside of me 544 00:31:19,883 --> 00:31:23,283 sort of shouting out, "This happened to me." 545 00:31:23,323 --> 00:31:30,643 You know, I'm kind of letting comedy be the way that I express this. 546 00:31:30,683 --> 00:31:34,003 Hmm. But I guess it's what you do with that. 547 00:31:34,043 --> 00:31:37,603 And I think comedy almost cushions the blow. 548 00:31:37,643 --> 00:31:40,563 Erm, it's not so bad. 549 00:31:40,603 --> 00:31:42,563 But actually, if you strip it back... 550 00:31:45,203 --> 00:31:47,003 ..it's devastating. 551 00:31:49,283 --> 00:31:51,483 I-I think you're absolutely right. 552 00:31:51,523 --> 00:31:53,923 Erm... HE CHUCKLES 553 00:31:53,963 --> 00:31:58,603 And in some ways, that makes me question this whole thing. 554 00:31:59,963 --> 00:32:04,043 Well, I think there's always this tendency or need 555 00:32:04,083 --> 00:32:07,483 to want to go to one extreme or the other 556 00:32:07,523 --> 00:32:09,123 and to pick a side. 557 00:32:09,163 --> 00:32:10,683 And I-I don't... 558 00:32:10,723 --> 00:32:14,883 I don't think joy and fun and happiness 559 00:32:14,923 --> 00:32:19,203 is outside of also being serious 560 00:32:19,243 --> 00:32:24,843 and feeling devastated or sad or depressed. 561 00:32:24,883 --> 00:32:29,283 Mm-hm. I think that they can overlap and live together. 562 00:32:29,323 --> 00:32:32,323 But it's important that you don't, erm, 563 00:32:32,363 --> 00:32:34,683 you don't lose the seriousness as well. 564 00:32:42,763 --> 00:32:45,403 I was, er, paedo-ed. 565 00:32:45,443 --> 00:32:47,963 Nonced. I love that word. 566 00:32:48,003 --> 00:32:51,163 Ah, a bit noncey, mate! Er, we... 567 00:32:51,203 --> 00:32:53,843 Day two, location filming for the sitcom 568 00:32:53,883 --> 00:32:56,683 here in an old courthouse. 569 00:32:56,723 --> 00:33:00,603 So all the stuff in the grooming montage, I was kind of 12, 570 00:33:00,643 --> 00:33:03,923 and then today, I'm Adult Mark. 571 00:33:03,963 --> 00:33:06,923 OK. We're feeling good. 572 00:33:08,683 --> 00:33:09,843 Scene one, take one. 573 00:33:11,843 --> 00:33:14,203 Could you please describe to the court why you are here 574 00:33:14,243 --> 00:33:16,203 to give te-... Meh, meh! 575 00:33:16,243 --> 00:33:17,963 Let's go from the top again. Even smiley-er. 576 00:33:18,003 --> 00:33:20,283 Big smile. Even smiley-er? OK, OK. Yeah, big smile, yeah. OK. 577 00:33:20,323 --> 00:33:22,003 OK, still rolling. 578 00:33:22,043 --> 00:33:24,163 OK, and...action. 579 00:33:27,683 --> 00:33:29,763 Could you please tell the court why you are here 580 00:33:29,803 --> 00:33:31,803 to give testimony today? 581 00:33:31,843 --> 00:33:33,483 I was... 582 00:33:34,843 --> 00:33:36,483 ..diddled. 583 00:33:36,523 --> 00:33:39,803 Fiddled. HE WHISTLES 584 00:33:39,843 --> 00:33:41,683 I got... HE MAKES EXPLOSION NOISES 585 00:33:41,723 --> 00:33:46,283 ..paedo-ed. Nonced. Love that word. HE LAUGHS 586 00:33:50,203 --> 00:33:54,723 I was, er, abused, sexually abused. 587 00:33:57,403 --> 00:33:59,603 And can you see the individual that you accuse 588 00:33:59,643 --> 00:34:01,683 of abusing you in this room? 589 00:34:03,043 --> 00:34:05,683 Yes... Yes, I can. 590 00:34:07,243 --> 00:34:08,403 He's over there. 591 00:34:09,923 --> 00:34:11,403 And cut. 592 00:34:11,443 --> 00:34:13,843 Nice, yeah. Good. Once more for luck. 593 00:34:13,883 --> 00:34:16,163 Just for a moment right at the beginning, 594 00:34:16,203 --> 00:34:19,163 I did feel like I was in that courtroom. 595 00:34:19,203 --> 00:34:21,763 And I did feel the sort of pressure. 596 00:34:21,803 --> 00:34:25,723 I've never been in anything like that before or since. 597 00:34:25,763 --> 00:34:29,083 It's uniquely awful. 598 00:34:29,123 --> 00:34:33,923 It was a weird, unsettling echo of the real thing. 599 00:34:39,443 --> 00:34:41,123 People sort of say to me, 600 00:34:41,163 --> 00:34:45,563 why do I use my own experiences in the work I do? 601 00:34:45,603 --> 00:34:48,323 I have to. I don't know how you can't sort of 602 00:34:48,363 --> 00:34:51,163 use those experiences. 603 00:34:51,203 --> 00:34:55,163 If I can joke about it and poke fun at it, then... 604 00:34:58,083 --> 00:34:59,923 ..it's less of a monster. 605 00:35:02,603 --> 00:35:06,323 Lots of comedians I know have used their own trauma, 606 00:35:06,363 --> 00:35:08,443 kind of riffed around it. 607 00:35:08,483 --> 00:35:10,243 I do wonder what another comedian 608 00:35:10,283 --> 00:35:13,403 would make of what I'm trying to do here. 609 00:35:13,443 --> 00:35:17,363 I understand...you've had your own experiences. 610 00:35:17,403 --> 00:35:20,203 Had my own experiences. Kind of two points in my life, 611 00:35:20,243 --> 00:35:22,323 one when I was about eight or nine 612 00:35:22,363 --> 00:35:24,283 and then from the age of 14. 613 00:35:24,323 --> 00:35:26,763 When I was eight, it was with the Cubs. 614 00:35:26,803 --> 00:35:28,683 But I was so ashamed. 615 00:35:28,723 --> 00:35:30,523 They're so clever, paedophiles. 616 00:35:30,563 --> 00:35:32,323 They're so fucking clever. 617 00:35:32,363 --> 00:35:34,123 Er, and I never told, I didn't tell my... 618 00:35:34,163 --> 00:35:35,283 I never told my dad about it. 619 00:35:35,323 --> 00:35:38,523 And I didn't tell my mum until I was like 35. 620 00:35:38,563 --> 00:35:40,243 And she was heartbroken. 621 00:35:40,283 --> 00:35:42,443 So I've always downplayed that. 622 00:35:42,483 --> 00:35:44,283 And the stuff when I was 14, 623 00:35:44,323 --> 00:35:47,163 you know, I would go and meet older men for sex. 624 00:35:47,203 --> 00:35:49,163 When I realised it was abuse, 625 00:35:49,203 --> 00:35:52,803 I was seeing a therapist, and he went, "That's abuse." 626 00:35:52,843 --> 00:35:55,763 I said, "No, it wasn't, I went on my own free will." 627 00:35:55,803 --> 00:35:59,523 He said, "Yeah, but you were 14. They were really old men." 628 00:35:59,563 --> 00:36:01,323 And then it... It dawned on me. 629 00:36:01,363 --> 00:36:03,523 "Oh, shit!" Took me such a long time. 630 00:36:03,563 --> 00:36:05,683 That's literally in the last four years 631 00:36:05,723 --> 00:36:09,363 I've worked out that that was... That was abuse. 632 00:36:09,403 --> 00:36:13,843 I... It's a real relief to hear somebody 633 00:36:13,883 --> 00:36:17,083 sort of describe some of the places I've been. 634 00:36:17,123 --> 00:36:19,083 The similarities are there? Oh, absolutely. Right, yeah. 635 00:36:19,123 --> 00:36:23,323 You know, in terms of not really sort of understanding 636 00:36:23,363 --> 00:36:25,803 or seeing the gravity of what had happened. 637 00:36:25,843 --> 00:36:28,363 Do you think it's ever over? 638 00:36:28,403 --> 00:36:30,763 I still feel a bit of anger around it, 639 00:36:30,803 --> 00:36:34,323 and that anger flares up from time to time. Erm... 640 00:36:34,363 --> 00:36:36,163 What's the anger? Who's... Who's that towards? 641 00:36:36,203 --> 00:36:38,403 Oh, those fucking cunts that did it - 642 00:36:38,443 --> 00:36:40,723 for putting their shit on me, 643 00:36:40,763 --> 00:36:44,603 for making me feel worthless and ashamed. 644 00:36:44,643 --> 00:36:48,923 I'm slightly envious of your rage... OK. ..your anger. 645 00:36:48,963 --> 00:36:50,403 Why is that? What does that mean? 646 00:36:52,843 --> 00:36:55,443 I find it, for whatever reason... 647 00:36:55,483 --> 00:36:56,963 And I usually blame it on, 648 00:36:57,003 --> 00:36:59,483 you know, 20 years of antidepressants. Hmm. 649 00:36:59,523 --> 00:37:05,083 I find it really hard to get to those places. 650 00:37:05,123 --> 00:37:09,243 I mean, maybe what I'm doing here, making a sitcom, is my... 651 00:37:09,283 --> 00:37:10,723 You know, my anger. 652 00:37:10,763 --> 00:37:13,683 How are you going to make this funny? That's the thing. 653 00:37:13,723 --> 00:37:15,483 How are you going to make this funny? 654 00:37:15,523 --> 00:37:17,403 I cannot imagine what it's going to look like 655 00:37:17,443 --> 00:37:18,883 or what it's going to sound like. 656 00:37:18,923 --> 00:37:23,603 You see, I think I can give people permission to laugh with me... 657 00:37:23,643 --> 00:37:25,243 OK. ..at it. Yeah. 658 00:37:25,283 --> 00:37:29,283 I know some people will be completely appalled and aghast by it. 659 00:37:29,323 --> 00:37:32,043 This show's going to get torn apart before it even goes out. 660 00:37:32,083 --> 00:37:35,883 There will be a lot of people looking to catch you out 661 00:37:35,923 --> 00:37:40,643 and to go, "This guy's a fucking..." To cancel you. 662 00:37:40,683 --> 00:37:42,283 People will want to cancel you. Do you think? 663 00:37:42,323 --> 00:37:44,563 Yeah. It's going to be interesting. 664 00:37:44,603 --> 00:37:47,003 I'm sure it's going to be interesting. 665 00:37:47,043 --> 00:37:51,923 I just cannot conceive what it might be like at the moment. 666 00:37:54,723 --> 00:37:58,043 What if I'm just setting myself up for more abuse, 667 00:37:58,083 --> 00:38:01,163 you know, of a different kind? 668 00:38:01,203 --> 00:38:04,243 Because I'm sort of standing up and shouting about it. 669 00:38:06,283 --> 00:38:09,963 Like, really actually a bit scared about it now. 670 00:38:10,003 --> 00:38:12,883 Maybe I've been stupid and naive. 671 00:38:18,363 --> 00:38:22,803 I don't know, I feel really uneasy now. 672 00:38:37,683 --> 00:38:41,003 If it all felt a bit unreal and far away before, 673 00:38:41,043 --> 00:38:44,363 this is the studio where we're filming the sitcom. 674 00:38:51,643 --> 00:38:52,723 Blimey! 675 00:38:54,083 --> 00:38:55,443 Oh, it's so weird. 676 00:38:56,803 --> 00:38:58,523 There's so much to take in. 677 00:38:58,563 --> 00:39:02,283 I can't... I can't quite get my head wrapped round it. 678 00:39:02,323 --> 00:39:04,363 There's no other feeling quite like it - 679 00:39:04,403 --> 00:39:07,683 you know, kind of your imagination brought to life. 680 00:39:10,603 --> 00:39:12,923 I mean, this family have got enough problems, haven't they - 681 00:39:12,963 --> 00:39:16,723 look at them - without introducing a kiddie fiddler into the mix? 682 00:39:21,603 --> 00:39:25,163 Iain Lee didn't know how I was going to make this funny, 683 00:39:25,203 --> 00:39:30,163 but there's a part of me that is less worried about it being funny - 684 00:39:30,203 --> 00:39:34,323 because as silly as it is and as unreal in some ways, 685 00:39:34,363 --> 00:39:36,363 it's also really honest, I think. 686 00:39:36,403 --> 00:39:38,923 You know, this is fucking ludicrous, isn't it, 687 00:39:38,963 --> 00:39:42,003 that this happens every day somewhere? 688 00:39:42,043 --> 00:39:46,643 And I think probably that honesty is the most important thing. 689 00:39:46,683 --> 00:39:48,803 I was, er, abused. 690 00:39:48,843 --> 00:39:51,043 And can you see the individual that you accuse 691 00:39:51,083 --> 00:39:52,803 of abusing you in this room? 692 00:39:54,123 --> 00:39:55,123 He's over there. 693 00:39:57,723 --> 00:40:02,243 In a really strange way, making a comedy about being abused 694 00:40:02,283 --> 00:40:06,683 allows me to be more serious about it. 695 00:40:06,723 --> 00:40:10,163 You know, I've examined it in the course of writing this comedy 696 00:40:10,203 --> 00:40:13,003 and rehearsing it...and getting people on board, 697 00:40:13,043 --> 00:40:15,883 I've examined it in a way that I've never done before - 698 00:40:15,923 --> 00:40:18,363 you know, in 30 years or more. 699 00:40:32,203 --> 00:40:35,603 It's so weird because, you know, I'm going out there to put on a show 700 00:40:35,643 --> 00:40:40,043 and just occasionally, I sort of catch myself and I think 701 00:40:40,083 --> 00:40:42,203 about what this is really about, you know, 702 00:40:42,243 --> 00:40:43,883 and where it comes from. 703 00:40:43,923 --> 00:40:46,523 Even though, usually, I feel quite removed from things, 704 00:40:46,563 --> 00:40:49,923 when I'm in character, I just have these moments where I... 705 00:40:49,963 --> 00:40:53,163 Sort of, I'm tipped back into the real experience. 706 00:41:16,883 --> 00:41:19,803 APPLAUSE 707 00:41:33,843 --> 00:41:35,203 Thank you so much for coming. I... 708 00:41:35,243 --> 00:41:36,803 I'm so nervous, I'm shaking. 709 00:41:36,843 --> 00:41:39,043 Erm... Listen, I've... 710 00:41:39,083 --> 00:41:41,283 I-I've never done anything quite like this before. 711 00:41:41,323 --> 00:41:43,203 It's fucking terrifying. 712 00:41:43,243 --> 00:41:45,883 It probably won't completely go to plan, but we'll do our best, 713 00:41:45,923 --> 00:41:48,683 so thank you so much for being here. Please laugh. 714 00:41:48,723 --> 00:41:50,323 APPLAUSE 715 00:41:52,443 --> 00:41:54,603 Hi, guys. Hi! 716 00:41:54,643 --> 00:41:57,163 Erm, so this is... 717 00:41:57,203 --> 00:41:59,723 ..Steve! LAUGHTER 718 00:41:59,763 --> 00:42:01,563 He is fit! So fit! 719 00:42:01,603 --> 00:42:03,843 LAUGHTER 720 00:42:03,883 --> 00:42:05,923 And he doesn't smell of crisps like Darren. 721 00:42:05,963 --> 00:42:07,363 Oh. 722 00:42:07,403 --> 00:42:09,843 Or crack his knuckles like Paul. Yeah. 723 00:42:09,883 --> 00:42:11,003 Or start every sentence with, 724 00:42:11,043 --> 00:42:14,043 "At the end of the da-aay," like Neil. Yeah. Yeah. 725 00:42:14,083 --> 00:42:16,883 Or make that whistling noise with his nose like Giles. Remember? Oh! 726 00:42:18,723 --> 00:42:21,803 Or constantly look like he's about to cry like Mi-... Michael. 727 00:42:21,843 --> 00:42:24,243 Yeah, I-I get it. I get it. 728 00:42:24,283 --> 00:42:26,043 Thanks. 729 00:42:26,083 --> 00:42:28,923 Becks, I think he's perfect. Oh! 730 00:42:28,963 --> 00:42:31,963 SNORING 731 00:42:33,323 --> 00:42:36,123 That's them. Yeah. 732 00:42:41,003 --> 00:42:42,883 Oh. 733 00:42:42,923 --> 00:42:44,923 Boop! LAUGHTER 734 00:42:48,763 --> 00:42:51,443 Boop. It's a great game, boop, isn't it? 735 00:42:51,483 --> 00:42:53,523 Do you want to play Battle Royale, or...? 736 00:42:57,563 --> 00:42:58,883 Er... 737 00:42:58,923 --> 00:43:01,603 Oh, must be like pro-level booping. 738 00:43:01,643 --> 00:43:04,203 LAUGHTER Boop! 739 00:43:08,243 --> 00:43:09,243 Ooh. 740 00:43:10,283 --> 00:43:13,123 Yeah, I'll be honest, Steve. I don't really know the rules for this bit. 741 00:43:14,283 --> 00:43:16,483 Yeah, I think that bear just... 742 00:43:17,923 --> 00:43:20,883 So why didn't you tell anyone when it happened? 743 00:43:20,923 --> 00:43:22,243 Why did you wait so long? 744 00:43:24,443 --> 00:43:27,163 Well, it's not the sort of thing you just come out with. 745 00:43:27,203 --> 00:43:28,523 You can't just say, "Dad!" 746 00:43:28,563 --> 00:43:31,363 Yeah? "I've been sexually abused." 747 00:43:31,403 --> 00:43:32,763 Oh, right. Where's your mum? 748 00:43:32,803 --> 00:43:34,323 So how does it end? 749 00:43:34,363 --> 00:43:37,563 I mean, I wanted to scream in people's faces, 750 00:43:37,603 --> 00:43:40,683 "You know he touches kids!" 751 00:43:40,723 --> 00:43:43,683 But nobody wants to hear that. 752 00:43:43,723 --> 00:43:49,723 So being one of those relentlessly upbeat people 753 00:43:49,763 --> 00:43:52,923 who has to see the positives in every situation, 754 00:43:52,963 --> 00:43:57,043 no matter how horrifically fucking grim and life-altering. 755 00:43:58,323 --> 00:44:02,163 I just had to keep reminding myself, 756 00:44:02,203 --> 00:44:04,283 I was a sexy kid. 757 00:44:04,323 --> 00:44:06,523 LAUGHTER 758 00:44:07,643 --> 00:44:09,043 Ta-da! 759 00:44:10,483 --> 00:44:13,803 ALL: Not another elephant in the room! 760 00:44:13,843 --> 00:44:16,043 LAUGHTER 761 00:44:16,083 --> 00:44:17,963 APPLAUSE 762 00:44:38,283 --> 00:44:41,683 Your mum and dad would be proud of you. They really would, yeah. 763 00:44:41,723 --> 00:44:44,083 Thank you so much. That's really... Yeah. 764 00:44:44,123 --> 00:44:45,923 That's really lovely of you to say. 765 00:44:45,963 --> 00:44:49,043 Fucking vile, that was! Turned my stomach. 766 00:44:50,163 --> 00:44:52,203 Fuck off. You wanker, come here. Well done. 767 00:44:52,243 --> 00:44:54,043 Well done. Oh, thank you. Amazing. 768 00:44:54,083 --> 00:44:55,963 Erm, what do you think other people thought of it? 769 00:44:56,003 --> 00:44:57,403 I thought they thought it was amazing. 770 00:44:57,443 --> 00:44:59,643 I think people genuinely laughed at the jokes. 771 00:44:59,683 --> 00:45:00,963 Really? Yeah, I think they did. 772 00:45:01,003 --> 00:45:02,603 I was so nervous that no-one would laugh... And I... 773 00:45:02,643 --> 00:45:04,523 ..at anything, you know. The weird thing is, 774 00:45:04,563 --> 00:45:07,643 I've never seen anything that is genuinely dark 775 00:45:07,683 --> 00:45:11,243 without it being dark humour. Does that make sense? 776 00:45:11,283 --> 00:45:13,603 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it was very light, the touch, it... 777 00:45:13,643 --> 00:45:16,683 It was... The juxtaposition between the lightness of the humour 778 00:45:16,723 --> 00:45:18,683 and the subject matter was like... 779 00:45:18,723 --> 00:45:21,323 That's really disarming. And that worked a treat. 780 00:45:21,363 --> 00:45:23,363 Think that worked an absolute treat. 781 00:45:28,843 --> 00:45:30,643 You know, I feel like I said something really, 782 00:45:30,683 --> 00:45:35,043 really about as true as anything I've ever said, 783 00:45:35,083 --> 00:45:38,083 about as real as anything I've ever said. 784 00:45:38,123 --> 00:45:39,123 You know, kind of... 785 00:45:42,123 --> 00:45:43,643 Yeah, that was... 786 00:45:45,683 --> 00:45:49,643 That was direct from my gut. 787 00:45:52,723 --> 00:45:55,803 Probably the most honest thing I've ever done. 788 00:45:55,843 --> 00:46:00,923 I've done something with the horrible that... 789 00:46:00,963 --> 00:46:02,603 ..I haven't been able to do before. 790 00:46:08,723 --> 00:46:10,163 Comedy, eh? 791 00:46:14,003 --> 00:46:15,043 Yeah. 792 00:46:52,083 --> 00:46:56,523 Subtitles by Red Bee Media