1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:06,047 --> 00:00:09,009
- [cane thuds]
- [faint audience chatter]
3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
4
00:00:09,175 --> 00:00:10,093
[cane thuds]
5
00:00:12,220 --> 00:00:13,138
[cane thuds]
6
00:00:14,305 --> 00:00:16,141
[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
7
00:00:16,141 --> 00:00:19,477
start clapping your hands
and make a lotta noise...
8
00:00:19,477 --> 00:00:20,687
[crowd cheers]
9
00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:27,360
[male announcer] ...for Keith Robinson!
10
00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:29,612
[crowd cheering, clapping]
11
00:00:44,169 --> 00:00:45,420
Oh, shit!
12
00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:47,505
[cheering continues]
13
00:00:54,512 --> 00:00:55,805
Goddamn!
14
00:00:58,224 --> 00:00:59,851
- Good night!
- [audience laughs]
15
00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:02,937
That was a long-ass walk!
16
00:01:02,937 --> 00:01:04,147
[audience laughs]
17
00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:05,648
[Keith laughs]
18
00:01:06,274 --> 00:01:08,902
Oh, I had two strokes, man. Two!
19
00:01:10,111 --> 00:01:13,364
Yeah. One more,
I'm gonna be Mitch McConnell.
20
00:01:13,364 --> 00:01:15,450
[audience laughing]
21
00:01:21,706 --> 00:01:24,959
- Staring all... [laughs]
- [audience laughs]
22
00:01:27,378 --> 00:01:29,631
I gotta admit, man,
23
00:01:30,131 --> 00:01:31,341
the first stroke
24
00:01:32,634 --> 00:01:33,802
wasn't shit.
25
00:01:33,802 --> 00:01:34,886
[audience laughs]
26
00:01:34,886 --> 00:01:36,846
I'm like, "What the fuck?"
27
00:01:37,597 --> 00:01:39,390
"You call this a stroke?"
28
00:01:39,390 --> 00:01:41,643
[audience laughs]
29
00:01:41,643 --> 00:01:44,312
Now, the second stroke, oh, shit!
30
00:01:44,312 --> 00:01:45,355
[audience laughs]
31
00:01:45,355 --> 00:01:47,315
"Now this is a stroke."
32
00:01:47,315 --> 00:01:49,150
[audience laughing]
33
00:01:49,150 --> 00:01:50,443
Mwah!
34
00:01:50,443 --> 00:01:53,613
[audience laughing, clapping]
35
00:01:53,613 --> 00:01:54,531
Huh?
36
00:01:58,326 --> 00:02:00,286
That's what I call "different strokes."
37
00:02:00,286 --> 00:02:02,956
[audience laughs]
38
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:06,709
I should be
kicked off the stage for that shit.
39
00:02:06,709 --> 00:02:08,336
[audience laughs]
40
00:02:08,336 --> 00:02:09,546
[chuckles]
41
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:13,174
There's a lot of different strokes,
there really are, man.
42
00:02:13,174 --> 00:02:16,094
This woman was on Investigation Discovery.
43
00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:19,264
Right? She had a stroke.
44
00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:23,309
And became a psychotic killer.
45
00:02:24,185 --> 00:02:25,478
I'm like, "Oh, fuck."
46
00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:27,021
[audience laughs]
47
00:02:27,021 --> 00:02:29,315
"I gotta worry about that now?"
48
00:02:30,733 --> 00:02:33,403
I'm walking down the street, "Oh, shit."
49
00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:35,947
"Oh, shit!"
50
00:02:36,489 --> 00:02:38,032
"Am I gonna murder?"
51
00:02:38,032 --> 00:02:40,034
[audience laughs]
52
00:02:41,786 --> 00:02:45,373
I couldn't kill a bunny rabbit,
what the fuck am I talking about, man?
53
00:02:46,291 --> 00:02:49,919
But everybody... every audience I go to
54
00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:52,213
people know somebody who had a stroke.
55
00:02:53,047 --> 00:02:53,882
Right?
56
00:02:54,549 --> 00:02:57,635
But they think they become stroke experts.
57
00:02:59,220 --> 00:03:01,472
'Cause they tell me, "Come here, man."
58
00:03:01,472 --> 00:03:03,683
Like they selling me drugs or some shit.
59
00:03:03,683 --> 00:03:06,686
[audience laughing]
60
00:03:11,733 --> 00:03:13,484
"My Uncle Bill had a stroke."
61
00:03:14,819 --> 00:03:17,739
"He took four cups of green tea
62
00:03:20,575 --> 00:03:23,286
with a tablespoon of Seemox."
63
00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:24,537
[audience laughs]
64
00:03:27,373 --> 00:03:28,875
"After six months,
65
00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:30,835
no more stroke."
66
00:03:30,835 --> 00:03:32,921
[audience laughs]
67
00:03:34,088 --> 00:03:36,341
You gonna get
the fuck out of my face, man.
68
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:38,885
[chuckles]
69
00:03:39,510 --> 00:03:42,013
I mean, I did it, I followed--
70
00:03:42,013 --> 00:03:43,264
[audience laughs]
71
00:03:48,853 --> 00:03:50,146
[laughs]
72
00:03:50,855 --> 00:03:53,733
It is a pain in the ass, man,
this stroke shit.
73
00:03:53,733 --> 00:03:56,486
'Cause now it's like it's weird, man.
74
00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:58,071
I was in Philadelphia
75
00:03:58,780 --> 00:04:00,573
taking my grandkids
76
00:04:01,115 --> 00:04:03,451
boxing, you know what I mean?
77
00:04:03,451 --> 00:04:05,745
I was getting ready to try to park the car
78
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:08,248
when a UPS truck
79
00:04:08,831 --> 00:04:10,833
drove and took my spot.
80
00:04:11,459 --> 00:04:13,086
My handicapped spot.
81
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:14,796
[audience laughs]
82
00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:19,259
Now, when you're handicapped,
you become the Handicap Police.
83
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:21,344
[audience laughs]
84
00:04:21,344 --> 00:04:23,846
I'm like, "What the fuck?
Oh, no, you don't."
85
00:04:23,846 --> 00:04:25,807
[audience laughs]
86
00:04:26,641 --> 00:04:29,477
And I, like, beep the horn...
[imitates honking]
87
00:04:29,477 --> 00:04:31,437
And I point to my placket. [chuckles]
88
00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:34,357
Like it's a badge. I'm like...
89
00:04:34,857 --> 00:04:39,195
[audience laughing, clapping]
90
00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:45,034
He goes, "Get the fuck out of here."
91
00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:48,288
Now I'm mad as shit, you know what I mean?
92
00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:50,290
I step out my car,
93
00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:53,251
close the door and lean against the car.
94
00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:56,087
I'm waiting for him to bring his ass back.
95
00:04:56,087 --> 00:04:59,424
I'm against the car trying to get
my balance, you know what I mean?
96
00:05:00,883 --> 00:05:03,970
He gone come, I see him walking.
"Come here for a minute."
97
00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:06,306
He come on the right side.
98
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:08,516
"No, could you move
to the left a little bit?"
99
00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:10,601
[audience laughs]
100
00:05:14,856 --> 00:05:16,649
You know what I mean? Eh, ah!
101
00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:17,859
[audience laughs]
102
00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:20,611
I could do a one over on him,
you know what I mean?
103
00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:22,530
[chuckles]
104
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:25,325
A little slip and a turn, mmm!
105
00:05:26,534 --> 00:05:28,661
He'd beat my ass though, you know?
106
00:05:28,661 --> 00:05:30,747
[audience laughs]
107
00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:35,918
A lot of people ask me,
"What did you learn from having a stroke?"
108
00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:39,881
Well, I learned, you know what I mean,
to live in the moment.
109
00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:41,716
Live in the now.
110
00:05:42,508 --> 00:05:44,844
- Never... All right.
- [audience claps, whoops]
111
00:05:46,637 --> 00:05:50,641
Never put off tomorrow
what you can do today.
112
00:05:51,642 --> 00:05:52,935
In other words,
113
00:05:53,728 --> 00:05:55,772
if there is someone you wanna punch...
114
00:05:55,772 --> 00:05:59,192
[audience laughs]
115
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,318
Punch them now!
116
00:06:00,318 --> 00:06:02,570
[audience laughing loudly]
117
00:06:02,570 --> 00:06:04,447
Knock the shit out of them!
118
00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:08,409
You know how many
119
00:06:08,409 --> 00:06:10,828
unpunched faces I left out there?
120
00:06:10,828 --> 00:06:12,914
[audience laughs]
121
00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:21,881
Oh, shit, these strokes
is a pain in the ass, man.
122
00:06:22,423 --> 00:06:25,468
I don't like it whatsoever, man,
I'm like, "What the fuck?"
123
00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:29,722
You know what I mean?
I'm brand new at this handicapped shit.
124
00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:33,559
I never was handicapped before,
I'm brand fucking new.
125
00:06:33,559 --> 00:06:34,977
Only problem with that,
126
00:06:34,977 --> 00:06:37,188
- sometimes--
- [cane thuds]
127
00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:38,815
There you go.
128
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,650
[audience laughing, clapping]
129
00:06:42,151 --> 00:06:44,153
[audience whooping]
130
00:06:49,033 --> 00:06:53,329
Now, some of you are clapping
like, "Oh, yeah, that's all right,"
131
00:06:53,329 --> 00:06:57,458
while some of you are clapping
like I'm at the Special Olympics.
132
00:06:57,458 --> 00:06:58,584
[audience laughs]
133
00:06:58,584 --> 00:07:00,211
"Come on, you can do it!"
134
00:07:01,838 --> 00:07:02,880
Mmm-mmm.
135
00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:06,676
Oh.
136
00:07:08,177 --> 00:07:10,847
[audience cheering]
137
00:07:12,306 --> 00:07:13,599
Hurry up, here...
138
00:07:13,599 --> 00:07:15,143
[audience laughing]
139
00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:16,769
...white girl. [laughs]
140
00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:22,024
- Oh.
- [audience cheering, clapping]
141
00:07:24,485 --> 00:07:26,612
It's good to have friends, man.
142
00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:30,158
It's very good to have friends.
143
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:32,994
[audience cheering, clapping]
144
00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:41,043
You know, like, being handicapped,
it's my first time being handicapped.
145
00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:43,421
I never was handicapped ever.
146
00:07:44,380 --> 00:07:48,259
The only problem with that,
sometimes I forget that I am handicapped,
147
00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:51,012
but I'm such an asshole...
148
00:07:51,012 --> 00:07:52,638
[audience laughs]
149
00:07:52,638 --> 00:07:55,725
...I find myself laughing
at handicapped people.
150
00:07:55,725 --> 00:07:57,810
[audience laughs]
151
00:08:00,521 --> 00:08:02,482
You know what I mean? I see them walking,
152
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:04,192
I'm like, "Ah!"
153
00:08:04,192 --> 00:08:05,610
[audience laughing]
154
00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:07,069
[chuckles]
155
00:08:07,069 --> 00:08:09,280
They're like, "Look at you!" "Oh, shit."
156
00:08:09,822 --> 00:08:11,491
"I forgot, man."
157
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:12,909
[audience laughs]
158
00:08:16,245 --> 00:08:17,413
[laughs]
159
00:08:18,122 --> 00:08:20,041
Y'all can laugh, don't worry about me.
160
00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:21,709
[audience laughs]
161
00:08:21,709 --> 00:08:22,877
[chuckles]
162
00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:25,296
Now I got my trusty cane.
163
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:27,757
It's noisy as shit.
164
00:08:28,799 --> 00:08:32,053
You know what I mean? "Clunk! Clunk!"
165
00:08:32,053 --> 00:08:34,805
I gotta put tennis balls on the bottom
166
00:08:34,805 --> 00:08:37,683
to stop it being so fucking noisy, man.
167
00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:40,186
But it just, "clunk, clunk, clunk."
168
00:08:40,686 --> 00:08:42,355
I'm walking through the Village,
169
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:44,023
all the homeless guys are, like,
170
00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:45,525
"Who that new motherfucker?"
171
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,568
[audience laughs]
172
00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:52,490
I'm, like, "It's me."
173
00:08:54,825 --> 00:08:55,910
[chuckles]
174
00:08:57,370 --> 00:09:02,041
But all of a sudden, people think
I'm homeless because I got a fucking cane.
175
00:09:02,750 --> 00:09:03,960
You know what I mean?
176
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,628
An old white guy...
177
00:09:05,628 --> 00:09:08,005
I only have to tell what he did,
but he's white.
178
00:09:08,005 --> 00:09:09,590
[audience laughs]
179
00:09:09,590 --> 00:09:13,261
He shook his... [chuckles]
...boxes of pizza at me. "Mmm?"
180
00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:16,264
[audience laughs]
181
00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:20,726
"I'm wearing a Tom Ford shirt,
you motherfucker."
182
00:09:20,726 --> 00:09:22,812
[audience laughing, clapping]
183
00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:25,398
"The hell out of my face."
184
00:09:26,190 --> 00:09:28,192
[audience cheering, whooping]
185
00:09:30,528 --> 00:09:31,571
Eh?
186
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:36,367
Well, people... [chuckles]
Like, they really think I'm homeless, man.
187
00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:38,411
Like, this was last week.
188
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:41,414
I'm walking there. Beautiful girl.
189
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:42,957
She smile at me.
190
00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:45,918
I smile at her.
I'm, like, "Oh, shit, here we go."
191
00:09:45,918 --> 00:09:48,004
[audience laughs]
192
00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:50,923
This bitch...
193
00:09:50,923 --> 00:09:53,009
[audience laughs]
194
00:09:55,761 --> 00:09:57,555
...reaches in her bag.
195
00:09:58,055 --> 00:09:59,890
"Are you hungry, sir?"
196
00:09:59,890 --> 00:10:01,225
[audience laughs]
197
00:10:01,225 --> 00:10:03,311
"Would you like a sandwich?"
198
00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:06,439
"I don't want no damn sandwich,
I want some pussy!"
199
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:07,690
- [audience laughs]
- No.
200
00:10:08,482 --> 00:10:11,777
- I didn't say that. I did not say that.
- [audience cheering, clapping]
201
00:10:11,777 --> 00:10:15,948
I didn't say it.
I thought about it, but I didn't say it.
202
00:10:19,076 --> 00:10:21,329
So I took her sandwich anyway.
203
00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:23,414
[audience laughing]
204
00:10:31,088 --> 00:10:32,715
[laughs]
205
00:10:35,051 --> 00:10:38,721
But usually I wouldn't fuck with anybody,
especially the comics.
206
00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:40,014
We're comics.
207
00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:43,476
Anybody can mess with an old man.
208
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:44,602
Ah.
209
00:10:45,686 --> 00:10:46,771
You know what I mean?
210
00:10:47,688 --> 00:10:51,233
I wasn't voted the funniest guy
in elementary,
211
00:10:51,233 --> 00:10:54,236
junior high school and high school
212
00:10:54,236 --> 00:10:56,614
because I said nice, encouraging shit.
213
00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:58,574
[audience laughs]
214
00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:03,412
I ain't standing in front of a class,
215
00:11:03,412 --> 00:11:06,415
"Hey, leave the fat kid
with the glasses alone!"
216
00:11:06,415 --> 00:11:08,501
[audience laughs]
217
00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:14,548
[laughs]
218
00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:17,218
[laughs]
219
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:20,846
But everybody can mess with me. Anybody.
220
00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:25,267
Like, I see... Comics see stuff,
we say certain things.
221
00:11:25,893 --> 00:11:29,980
We're supposed to question the obvious.
222
00:11:30,564 --> 00:11:31,649
You know what I mean?
223
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:36,237
Like today, in today's world, man,
like, kids, eight, nine years old,
224
00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:40,533
are telling their parents
how they identify.
225
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:41,617
What the fuck?
226
00:11:41,617 --> 00:11:42,576
[audience laughs]
227
00:11:42,576 --> 00:11:47,123
I can't imagine my son coming to me
at eight years old,
228
00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:50,793
"Dad, I think I wanna be trans."
229
00:11:51,293 --> 00:11:53,587
"Oh, son, we can't afford that right now."
230
00:11:53,587 --> 00:11:55,715
[audience laughing]
231
00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:02,054
[chuckles]
232
00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:06,517
"I just bought your ass a 60-pack
of Fruit of the Loom, goddamn it!"
233
00:12:06,517 --> 00:12:09,603
[audience laughs]
234
00:12:09,603 --> 00:12:12,648
"We're gonna try this boy shit
at least three more years."
235
00:12:12,648 --> 00:12:14,734
[audience laughs]
236
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:18,028
[audience clapping]
237
00:12:18,028 --> 00:12:19,280
Oh, come on, man.
238
00:12:21,031 --> 00:12:23,451
That was not a transphobic joke.
239
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:25,828
That was an economics joke.
240
00:12:25,828 --> 00:12:27,913
[audience laughs]
241
00:12:29,123 --> 00:12:31,500
Now this is a transphobic joke, right.
242
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:32,793
[audience laughing]
243
00:12:32,793 --> 00:12:33,919
[chuckles]
244
00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:35,713
[chuckles]
245
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:42,219
- [laughs]
- [audience laughs]
246
00:12:42,219 --> 00:12:45,389
Well, everybody like,
"Oh, man, you can't say shit like that."
247
00:12:45,389 --> 00:12:47,266
"You'll be cancelled."
248
00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:50,227
"God already cancelled
my right side, man."
249
00:12:50,227 --> 00:12:53,105
[audience laughs]
250
00:12:53,105 --> 00:12:54,565
"What more you want?!"
251
00:12:54,565 --> 00:12:56,650
[audience laughing, clapping]
252
00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:03,324
It's all that social media shit,
that's the problem.
253
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:05,618
Everybody yapping.
254
00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:08,078
It's too much yapping.
255
00:13:08,579 --> 00:13:11,665
Everybody's fucking yapping
and yapping and yapping.
256
00:13:12,249 --> 00:13:14,668
Even so-called gangsters are yapping.
257
00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:19,173
"Yo, my name is OG Deathtrap.
I shoot at the block."
258
00:13:19,173 --> 00:13:21,634
"I pull bitches by the hair!"
259
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:25,095
"If you like what I just said,
hit that subscribe button for me."
260
00:13:25,095 --> 00:13:27,181
[audience laughing, clapping]
261
00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:35,481
"Hit the subscribe butt..." What the fuck?
262
00:13:36,690 --> 00:13:37,942
[chuckles]
263
00:13:39,235 --> 00:13:41,821
But how I got over my stroke, man.
264
00:13:42,571 --> 00:13:45,574
I ain't get over, but how,
you know, I got through it.
265
00:13:46,075 --> 00:13:48,869
My religion. I believe in God.
266
00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:51,872
- You know what I mean?
- [audience cheers, claps]
267
00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:57,586
Any religious people out there?
268
00:13:57,586 --> 00:13:59,463
[audience cheers, claps]
269
00:13:59,463 --> 00:14:00,923
[laughs]
270
00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:04,093
- Wow, that's, like, 12 people.
- [audience laughs]
271
00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:09,056
What the rest of you do? Go home
and write manifestos? What the fuck?
272
00:14:09,056 --> 00:14:11,141
[audience laughing]
273
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,105
What the hell?
274
00:14:17,147 --> 00:14:18,899
[laughs]
275
00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:22,278
Nah, man, I choose a religion
276
00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:24,488
with the best afterlife program.
277
00:14:24,488 --> 00:14:26,574
[audience laughs]
278
00:14:31,662 --> 00:14:34,540
Some religions
have better afterlife programs.
279
00:14:36,375 --> 00:14:40,754
And some religions
got real shitty afterlife programs.
280
00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:44,633
One religion you got--
you get reincarnated
281
00:14:44,633 --> 00:14:46,176
and come back here.
282
00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:49,179
The fuck I'ma pick that shit, man.
283
00:14:49,179 --> 00:14:51,265
[audience laughs]
284
00:14:53,517 --> 00:14:57,146
What if I come back a white guy
with a stroke, what the fuck, man?
285
00:14:57,146 --> 00:14:59,231
[audience laughs]
286
00:15:00,941 --> 00:15:05,195
Plus, I don't fuck with any religion
whose worship service
287
00:15:05,195 --> 00:15:07,323
don't produce R&B singers.
288
00:15:07,323 --> 00:15:09,533
[audience cheers, claps]
289
00:15:10,826 --> 00:15:12,328
That's for the Black folks.
290
00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:14,580
[audience laughs]
291
00:15:17,082 --> 00:15:20,169
You haven't laughed
at a damn thing I said so far, lady.
292
00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:21,837
Don't look around, you!
293
00:15:21,837 --> 00:15:23,547
[audience laughs]
294
00:15:24,423 --> 00:15:27,259
She hates handicapped Black men,
I'm sure of it.
295
00:15:27,259 --> 00:15:29,803
[audience laughing, clapping]
296
00:15:34,224 --> 00:15:35,976
[raucous laugh]
297
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,062
What the fuck was that laugh?
298
00:15:38,062 --> 00:15:40,439
[audience laughs]
299
00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:43,567
[imitates raucous laughter]
300
00:15:44,652 --> 00:15:46,153
[continues imitating laughter]
301
00:15:50,199 --> 00:15:53,369
I see the Black...
It looks good seeing Black folks smiling.
302
00:15:54,119 --> 00:15:55,996
You know, usually you go
to a Black neighborhood,
303
00:15:55,996 --> 00:15:57,831
they be... [unintelligible] ...face, [grunts].
304
00:15:57,831 --> 00:16:00,542
[audience laughs]
305
00:16:00,542 --> 00:16:02,920
Black folks, we don't get along,
306
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,923
until we're in an all-white country.
307
00:16:05,923 --> 00:16:08,801
[audience laughs]
308
00:16:10,594 --> 00:16:12,888
You'd be so happy
to see another Black guy,
309
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:16,684
he'd be a rival gang member, "Yo, my man!"
310
00:16:16,684 --> 00:16:18,769
[audience laughs]
311
00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:20,896
[laughs]
312
00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:24,817
But I fuck with people, man.
313
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:26,944
Nobody gave me a break
314
00:16:26,944 --> 00:16:29,947
when I was, um... when I had my stroke.
315
00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:31,865
None of my friends gave me a break.
316
00:16:32,491 --> 00:16:35,077
They kept fucking with me, man.
317
00:16:35,077 --> 00:16:38,455
I'll never forget, I went
to The Comedy Store, all right?
318
00:16:39,456 --> 00:16:41,250
And I go in there,
319
00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:44,336
and I'm with my cane, clunk,
320
00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:45,838
clunk,
321
00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:47,047
clunk.
322
00:16:47,047 --> 00:16:50,926
And I drop my cane,
and I bent down to pick it up
323
00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:53,804
and that bitch, Amy Schumer...
324
00:16:53,804 --> 00:16:58,058
[audience laughing loudly]
325
00:16:58,976 --> 00:17:01,311
kicked my cane across the floor.
326
00:17:01,311 --> 00:17:03,147
[audience laughing loudly]
327
00:17:08,527 --> 00:17:10,070
Asshole Chris Rock
328
00:17:10,070 --> 00:17:12,698
calls me Stroky Robinson.
329
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:15,743
[audience laughing loudly]
330
00:17:15,743 --> 00:17:17,536
That's funny as shit, man.
331
00:17:18,787 --> 00:17:21,540
That is funny as shit!
332
00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:23,625
[audience laughs]
333
00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:28,255
That's why I never understood
why Jada Pinkett,
334
00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:31,508
who's one of the most beautiful
women in the world,
335
00:17:31,508 --> 00:17:36,346
got upset that he called her
another beautiful woman.
336
00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:38,932
Demi Moore is beautiful.
337
00:17:38,932 --> 00:17:42,895
But, I know, womens, like,
"Oh, no, she got alopecia."
338
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:44,730
Motherfucker, I had a stroke!
339
00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:46,690
[audience laughs]
340
00:17:52,446 --> 00:17:54,698
Alopecia is one step above
341
00:17:54,698 --> 00:17:56,617
having severe dandruff.
342
00:17:56,617 --> 00:18:00,079
[audience laughing]
343
00:18:06,293 --> 00:18:07,753
[laughs]
344
00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:09,671
[chuckles]
345
00:18:09,671 --> 00:18:11,590
That was pretty funny, man, come on.
346
00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:13,675
[audience laughs]
347
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:18,639
I remember, like, I--
When I had my stroke,
348
00:18:18,639 --> 00:18:20,766
I questioned God, man.
349
00:18:21,391 --> 00:18:23,685
I questioned God, I...
350
00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:27,606
"What did I ever do
to deserve this stroke?!"
351
00:18:28,690 --> 00:18:30,192
"Oh, yeah, that's right."
352
00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:32,319
[audience laughing loudly]
353
00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:36,490
[audience clapping, whooping]
354
00:18:39,034 --> 00:18:42,079
"That time I hit that homeless guy
and kept driving, fuck!"
355
00:18:42,079 --> 00:18:43,622
[audience laughs]
356
00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:50,420
"Was it the time
I robbed those prostitutes?"
357
00:18:50,420 --> 00:18:51,463
[audience laughs]
358
00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:53,799
Oh, come on, man, come on!
359
00:18:55,342 --> 00:18:57,845
You know how many prostitutes robbed me?
360
00:18:57,845 --> 00:18:59,930
[audience laughing loudly, clapping]
361
00:19:03,183 --> 00:19:05,185
[audience whooping]
362
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:11,150
Especially now!
363
00:19:13,193 --> 00:19:17,197
"Where you going?
Ah, give my money... Ah, shit!"
364
00:19:18,365 --> 00:19:20,450
"At least bring back my cane."
365
00:19:20,450 --> 00:19:21,952
[audience laughs]
366
00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:26,665
[laughs]
367
00:19:26,665 --> 00:19:28,333
No, but, like I said,
368
00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:31,753
when I got out of hospital,
I went straight to Popeye's Chicken, man.
369
00:19:32,421 --> 00:19:34,423
You know what I mean? The drive through.
370
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:37,509
I wasn't supposed to be driving,
but fuck it.
371
00:19:37,509 --> 00:19:39,595
[audience laughs]
372
00:19:41,597 --> 00:19:43,515
That's why I hit that homeless guy.
373
00:19:43,515 --> 00:19:45,601
[audience laughs]
374
00:19:48,103 --> 00:19:49,104
[Keith chuckles]
375
00:19:49,646 --> 00:19:51,773
Chicken fingers all over the place.
376
00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:53,859
[audience laughs]
377
00:19:57,946 --> 00:20:00,532
But y'all know, when you go
to any drive through,
378
00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:03,785
when you can talk real clear,
379
00:20:03,785 --> 00:20:05,454
they barely understand you.
380
00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:07,539
[audience chuckles]
381
00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:10,542
[audience laughs]
382
00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:14,004
They got mad at me!
383
00:20:14,004 --> 00:20:16,089
[audience laughs loudly]
384
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:20,594
[chuckles]
385
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,180
The guy cursed at me.
386
00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:25,891
I'm, like, "Can I have..."
387
00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:27,893
"Sir, we don't understand you."
388
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:29,978
"Well, could you please give me..."
389
00:20:29,978 --> 00:20:32,898
"Damn it! We don't understand you!"
390
00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:34,483
And then I got mad.
391
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,694
And when I get mad, I can talk real clear.
392
00:20:37,694 --> 00:20:40,239
- [audience laughs]
- I'm, like, "What the fuck?"
393
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:42,366
[audience laughs]
394
00:20:42,366 --> 00:20:44,534
"You're Popeye's Chicken."
395
00:20:44,534 --> 00:20:46,411
[audience laughs]
396
00:20:46,411 --> 00:20:49,331
"You sell nothing but chicken!"
397
00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:51,625
[audience laughing loudly, clapping]
398
00:20:58,257 --> 00:20:59,800
"Guess what I want?"
399
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:02,511
[audience roars with laughter, claps]
400
00:21:10,143 --> 00:21:12,771
"It's not like you have
a variety of shit."
401
00:21:13,772 --> 00:21:16,441
"Could I have the duck ravioli, please?"
402
00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:18,527
[audience laughs loudly]
403
00:21:22,948 --> 00:21:26,285
"Give me my three pieces
and let me get the fuck out of here, man!"
404
00:21:30,330 --> 00:21:32,416
I know how I sound, man.
405
00:21:32,416 --> 00:21:35,377
You think I don't know
how I sound? I know.
406
00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:37,004
You know what I mean?
407
00:21:37,004 --> 00:21:39,214
My asshole grandson
408
00:21:39,214 --> 00:21:41,091
says I sound like Squidward.
409
00:21:41,091 --> 00:21:43,176
[audience roars with laughter]
410
00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:49,349
He's a bitch-ass nigga, man, fuck him!
411
00:21:49,349 --> 00:21:51,810
[audience laughing loudly]
412
00:21:53,103 --> 00:21:54,229
[Keith chuckles]
413
00:21:54,229 --> 00:21:57,190
No, look, man, I love him,
but I don't like him.
414
00:21:57,190 --> 00:21:58,525
[audience laughs]
415
00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:03,196
He gone come at me on Father's Day.
416
00:22:03,739 --> 00:22:04,781
Huh.
417
00:22:04,781 --> 00:22:07,492
"You know you're not
my favorite grandfather, right?"
418
00:22:07,492 --> 00:22:08,994
[audience laughs]
419
00:22:11,204 --> 00:22:12,831
[audience whooping]
420
00:22:12,831 --> 00:22:16,501
And I'm, like, "And you're not
my favorite grandson, asshole!"
421
00:22:16,501 --> 00:22:18,587
[audience laughs]
422
00:22:20,881 --> 00:22:23,050
He's an asshole. [chuckles]
423
00:22:23,050 --> 00:22:25,927
I want to punch him
right in the back of his head
424
00:22:26,928 --> 00:22:28,472
Soon as this hand gets better.
425
00:22:28,472 --> 00:22:30,265
[audience laughs]
426
00:22:32,684 --> 00:22:34,019
He don't know, man.
427
00:22:34,019 --> 00:22:37,439
See, people...
He don't realize that my speech...
428
00:22:37,439 --> 00:22:40,817
When I first had my stroke, my...
my second stroke,
429
00:22:41,651 --> 00:22:45,822
when I first had it, man,
I wasn't able to talk for two years.
430
00:22:45,822 --> 00:22:46,782
[audience] Aww...
431
00:22:48,158 --> 00:22:49,910
I'm lying, man, fuck it.
432
00:22:49,910 --> 00:22:52,496
[audience laughs]
433
00:22:52,496 --> 00:22:54,915
"Oh. Aww."
434
00:22:54,915 --> 00:22:59,669
[audience laughing loudly, clapping]
435
00:23:03,006 --> 00:23:04,341
Y'all dumb, little, old faces.
436
00:23:04,341 --> 00:23:08,011
"Oh! Oh, no, oh, no!"
437
00:23:08,011 --> 00:23:09,888
[chuckles]
438
00:23:09,888 --> 00:23:11,807
[laughs loudly]
439
00:23:11,807 --> 00:23:13,183
[audience laughs]
440
00:23:13,183 --> 00:23:15,894
Ah, that's what y'all get for the fucking...
441
00:23:17,354 --> 00:23:19,773
No, my voice was fucked up, though.
442
00:23:21,525 --> 00:23:22,567
[chuckles]
443
00:23:23,318 --> 00:23:27,823
You know, my biggest challenge
being handicapped...
444
00:23:28,657 --> 00:23:30,700
My biggest challenge, man,
445
00:23:30,700 --> 00:23:33,078
is crossing that long-ass street...
446
00:23:33,078 --> 00:23:34,496
[audience laughs]
447
00:23:34,496 --> 00:23:36,498
...with a light with a countdown on.
448
00:23:36,498 --> 00:23:38,834
[audience laughing]
449
00:23:45,090 --> 00:23:47,342
"Fourteen seconds, what the fuck?!"
450
00:23:47,342 --> 00:23:49,428
[audience laughs]
451
00:23:51,721 --> 00:23:53,974
"Don't you have
a handicapped two minutes?"
452
00:23:56,309 --> 00:23:58,895
The crossing guard comes, shoots a gun,
453
00:23:58,895 --> 00:24:00,856
"Wow, go!" "Oh, shit!"
454
00:24:00,856 --> 00:24:03,316
"Fourteen, thirteen,
455
00:24:03,900 --> 00:24:06,194
twelve, aaah!"
456
00:24:06,194 --> 00:24:08,280
[audience laughing, clapping]
457
00:24:11,658 --> 00:24:15,871
Ass-old cars revving the engine.
[imitates car revving]
458
00:24:17,414 --> 00:24:20,167
Now I'm gonna race
with an old woman in a walker.
459
00:24:20,167 --> 00:24:21,668
[grunts]
460
00:24:21,668 --> 00:24:23,336
[audience laughs]
461
00:24:24,087 --> 00:24:27,132
"Ten, nine..." [grunts]
462
00:24:27,132 --> 00:24:29,342
[audience laughs]
463
00:24:33,305 --> 00:24:36,391
Finally get across the street
just to get hit by a Citi Bike.
464
00:24:36,391 --> 00:24:37,601
What the fuck?
465
00:24:37,601 --> 00:24:41,438
[audience laughs, exclaims]
466
00:24:41,438 --> 00:24:44,107
Oh, y'all can laugh
at me being hit by a Citi Bike.
467
00:24:44,107 --> 00:24:45,358
[audience laughs]
468
00:24:45,358 --> 00:24:47,444
But the homeless guy, aww...
469
00:24:47,444 --> 00:24:49,070
[audience laughs]
470
00:24:51,114 --> 00:24:52,866
[laughs]
471
00:24:53,742 --> 00:24:55,994
I was in London, man. Anybody from London?
472
00:24:55,994 --> 00:24:57,245
- [person whoops]
- Yeah.
473
00:24:57,245 --> 00:24:58,288
Fuck London.
474
00:24:58,288 --> 00:25:00,373
[audience laughs loudly]
475
00:25:07,088 --> 00:25:10,342
Some of the lights in London
count down from seven seconds.
476
00:25:11,259 --> 00:25:12,719
Fast as shit.
477
00:25:13,595 --> 00:25:17,140
Seven, six, five, four!
Had to go back, "Aw, shit."
478
00:25:17,140 --> 00:25:20,977
[audience laughing loudly]
479
00:25:31,238 --> 00:25:32,239
[laughs]
480
00:25:33,532 --> 00:25:34,366
[chuckles]
481
00:25:34,366 --> 00:25:35,742
[cackles]
482
00:25:37,494 --> 00:25:40,830
I was in London for two weeks,
I only see one side of London.
483
00:25:40,830 --> 00:25:43,375
[audience laughs lightly]
484
00:25:43,375 --> 00:25:46,545
I never crossed the street,
come on, goddamn it!
485
00:25:46,545 --> 00:25:48,630
[audience laughs]
486
00:25:52,259 --> 00:25:53,802
When I had my first stroke, right,
487
00:25:54,594 --> 00:25:56,513
I remember running to my car
488
00:25:57,764 --> 00:25:59,349
to call my kid's mom,
489
00:26:00,934 --> 00:26:02,018
Tracy Rome.
490
00:26:04,354 --> 00:26:06,106
My best friend, I called her.
491
00:26:07,315 --> 00:26:09,693
But I did so much lying and cheating.
492
00:26:10,527 --> 00:26:12,279
She didn't believe shit I was saying.
493
00:26:12,279 --> 00:26:13,863
[audience laughs]
494
00:26:14,948 --> 00:26:17,075
I'm, like,
"I can't take you to dinner tonight,
495
00:26:17,075 --> 00:26:18,493
I'm having a stroke."
496
00:26:19,286 --> 00:26:21,538
"Mm-hmm."
497
00:26:21,538 --> 00:26:22,956
[audience laughs]
498
00:26:25,834 --> 00:26:27,836
"If you're having a so-called stroke,
499
00:26:28,378 --> 00:26:30,589
FaceTime me and let me see that shit."
500
00:26:30,589 --> 00:26:34,050
[audience laughs]
501
00:26:34,050 --> 00:26:35,302
[chuckles]
502
00:26:35,302 --> 00:26:37,387
I had to call looking...
503
00:26:37,387 --> 00:26:38,847
[garbled] "Oh, look at me!"
504
00:26:44,519 --> 00:26:45,478
[laughs]
505
00:26:46,104 --> 00:26:48,356
That's a true story, man, true.
506
00:26:49,816 --> 00:26:51,318
When I got my... [chuckles]
507
00:26:52,319 --> 00:26:54,029
...my second stroke, man,
508
00:26:55,238 --> 00:26:57,991
I flew from Newark, New Jersey
509
00:26:58,783 --> 00:27:00,076
to Arizona
510
00:27:01,036 --> 00:27:01,995
to get laid.
511
00:27:01,995 --> 00:27:04,164
[audience laughs]
512
00:27:04,164 --> 00:27:05,665
First class.
513
00:27:05,665 --> 00:27:07,292
[audience laughs]
514
00:27:07,292 --> 00:27:10,045
I'm not gonna have a stroke in coach.
515
00:27:10,045 --> 00:27:11,504
The fuck I am.
516
00:27:11,504 --> 00:27:13,590
[audience laughing loudly, clapping]
517
00:27:14,591 --> 00:27:16,343
What kind of animal am I?
518
00:27:19,095 --> 00:27:19,929
[chuckles]
519
00:27:21,514 --> 00:27:26,561
Like, if you fly first class you know
they give you all the drinks you want.
520
00:27:27,228 --> 00:27:29,022
You know what I mean? Never stop.
521
00:27:29,522 --> 00:27:31,524
No drink minimum, nothing.
522
00:27:31,524 --> 00:27:32,609
Bam!
523
00:27:33,276 --> 00:27:35,278
- Boom!
- [audience laughs]
524
00:27:35,278 --> 00:27:36,404
Slip-slop!
525
00:27:36,404 --> 00:27:38,490
[audience laughs]
526
00:27:40,575 --> 00:27:43,078
Slip-slop with 15 drinks in.
527
00:27:43,078 --> 00:27:44,746
[audience laughs]
528
00:27:44,746 --> 00:27:46,122
I'm drunk as shit.
529
00:27:47,165 --> 00:27:48,917
[laughs]
530
00:27:49,709 --> 00:27:52,671
I mean, time flew past.
531
00:27:52,671 --> 00:27:54,589
The pilot makes an announcement.
532
00:27:54,589 --> 00:27:56,591
"Twenty minutes left in the flight."
533
00:27:57,300 --> 00:27:59,511
Okay, I'm doing the math.
534
00:27:59,511 --> 00:28:01,221
Twenty minutes left in the flight,
535
00:28:02,097 --> 00:28:03,932
ten minutes to the girl's house,
536
00:28:04,557 --> 00:28:06,518
total of 30 minutes...
537
00:28:10,689 --> 00:28:13,233
What takes 30 minutes to kick in?
538
00:28:13,233 --> 00:28:18,321
[audience laughs raucously]
539
00:28:18,321 --> 00:28:19,614
[screaming] Answer me!
540
00:28:19,614 --> 00:28:21,700
[audience laughs loudly]
541
00:28:23,243 --> 00:28:24,744
Viagra, damn it.
542
00:28:26,162 --> 00:28:27,664
I popped the Viagra.
543
00:28:29,666 --> 00:28:31,501
Men... [chuckles]
544
00:28:31,501 --> 00:28:34,337
...never take a Viagra on an airplane.
545
00:28:34,337 --> 00:28:36,715
[audience laughs]
546
00:28:36,715 --> 00:28:38,174
I was fucked up, man.
547
00:28:39,759 --> 00:28:41,886
I was, I fucked up.
548
00:28:42,679 --> 00:28:44,848
You know what I mean?
I'm, like, "Oh, shit."
549
00:28:45,724 --> 00:28:48,518
My vision was blurry,
I'm, like, "Oh, fuck."
550
00:28:49,811 --> 00:28:51,271
I got an Uber.
551
00:28:52,105 --> 00:28:56,776
I start passing in and out
of consciousness.
552
00:28:56,776 --> 00:28:58,236
[audience laughs]
553
00:28:59,070 --> 00:29:00,363
But I never panic...
554
00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:05,201
[audience laughing]
555
00:29:06,494 --> 00:29:08,496
...when I know I gotta make a decision.
556
00:29:11,458 --> 00:29:14,169
[audience laughs]
557
00:29:15,170 --> 00:29:17,505
"Should I go
to the girl's house and get laid?"
558
00:29:17,505 --> 00:29:19,591
[audience laughs]
559
00:29:20,508 --> 00:29:23,845
"Should I go to the hospital and live?"
560
00:29:23,845 --> 00:29:26,306
[audience laughs loudly]
561
00:29:28,057 --> 00:29:29,809
So I'm knocking on the girl's door.
562
00:29:29,809 --> 00:29:33,188
[audience laughs loudly, claps]
563
00:29:33,188 --> 00:29:36,441
[audience whooping]
564
00:29:37,859 --> 00:29:39,277
She opened the door,
565
00:29:39,277 --> 00:29:42,739
I bust in, take my clothes off real fast.
566
00:29:43,406 --> 00:29:44,824
I'm in a rush right now.
567
00:29:44,824 --> 00:29:47,786
[audience laughing]
568
00:29:47,786 --> 00:29:50,288
I have to beat that stroke,
you know what I mean?
569
00:29:54,751 --> 00:29:57,337
She's laying on the bed butt naked.
570
00:29:57,337 --> 00:30:00,507
I'm butt naked, I'm walking toward her
like the living dead.
571
00:30:00,507 --> 00:30:02,592
- [Keith groans]
- [audience laughs]
572
00:30:07,180 --> 00:30:09,182
[flatly] "Must complete the mission."
573
00:30:13,102 --> 00:30:16,648
My arm goes down. My leg goes down.
574
00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:19,859
Only thing still working? Ha!
575
00:30:19,859 --> 00:30:22,403
[audience laughs, claps]
576
00:30:25,281 --> 00:30:27,742
I should make a commercial
out of this shit.
577
00:30:30,078 --> 00:30:32,288
"When everything is going down,
578
00:30:33,665 --> 00:30:37,001
Viagra stands strong!"
579
00:30:37,001 --> 00:30:40,338
[audience whooping, clapping]
580
00:30:45,885 --> 00:30:49,180
Now, ladies, don't ever let me
hear you say again in your lives,
581
00:30:49,722 --> 00:30:53,643
"We enjoy sex just as much as you men."
582
00:30:53,643 --> 00:30:55,520
Bullshit!
583
00:30:58,481 --> 00:31:00,692
How many of you are willing to die for it?
584
00:31:00,692 --> 00:31:02,777
[audience laughs]
585
00:31:04,445 --> 00:31:05,864
[angrily] Answer me!
586
00:31:05,864 --> 00:31:07,949
[audience laughing]
587
00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:13,872
[audience laughing loudly]
588
00:31:15,248 --> 00:31:17,292
What have you ever sacrificed, lady?
589
00:31:17,292 --> 00:31:19,794
What have you ever sacrificed?!
590
00:31:21,004 --> 00:31:22,088
Yeah, you!
591
00:31:24,007 --> 00:31:26,050
Would you lose your job for it?
592
00:31:26,050 --> 00:31:27,719
Of course not!
593
00:31:29,387 --> 00:31:31,472
President Bill Clinton...
594
00:31:31,472 --> 00:31:34,183
[audience laughs loudly]
595
00:31:34,183 --> 00:31:36,269
[audience claps]
596
00:31:41,774 --> 00:31:45,403
...sacrificed the most important
job in the world...
597
00:31:45,403 --> 00:31:47,697
[audience laughs]
598
00:31:47,697 --> 00:31:49,240
...for a slice.
599
00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:52,702
[audience laughing loudly, clapping]
600
00:31:53,620 --> 00:31:55,079
[audience whooping]
601
00:31:55,079 --> 00:31:59,042
[audience members whistles]
602
00:32:02,003 --> 00:32:03,338
[chuckles]
603
00:32:04,380 --> 00:32:06,257
The only thing that got to me, man,
604
00:32:07,300 --> 00:32:08,426
is my son.
605
00:32:09,886 --> 00:32:13,848
My son cursed at me
for the first time. Ever.
606
00:32:14,432 --> 00:32:17,018
I'm sitting in my house in a wheelchair.
607
00:32:18,061 --> 00:32:19,562
[chuckles]
608
00:32:19,562 --> 00:32:21,272
My son comes over.
609
00:32:21,773 --> 00:32:23,232
He was crying, man.
610
00:32:24,317 --> 00:32:26,736
"Dad." [imitates sobbing, chuckles]
611
00:32:26,736 --> 00:32:29,322
[audience laughs]
612
00:32:38,164 --> 00:32:41,334
"We almost lost you, Dad,
we almost lost you!"
613
00:32:42,001 --> 00:32:46,339
"All for some fucking pussy!"
614
00:32:46,339 --> 00:32:48,424
[audience laughs]
615
00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:53,930
And I looked up at him
from my wheelchair, I'm, like, "Son,
616
00:32:54,764 --> 00:32:57,141
are you gay, what the fuck?"
617
00:32:57,141 --> 00:33:00,937
[audience laughs loudly, claps]
618
00:33:00,937 --> 00:33:04,232
[audience whoops]
619
00:33:05,817 --> 00:33:06,651
[chuckles]
620
00:33:08,319 --> 00:33:11,072
"Of course that's what it's for,
what the fuck?"
621
00:33:13,199 --> 00:33:15,451
"How do you think you got here, asshole?"
622
00:33:17,412 --> 00:33:21,249
I was in the hospital,
and a speech pathologist came in.
623
00:33:22,083 --> 00:33:23,418
You know what I mean?
624
00:33:23,418 --> 00:33:27,338
And the speech pathologist,
her job is to see what you can remember,
625
00:33:28,006 --> 00:33:30,425
long-term, short-term memory.
626
00:33:31,342 --> 00:33:34,929
But she thinks, and thought in her mind,
627
00:33:34,929 --> 00:33:36,848
the louder she talks...
628
00:33:36,848 --> 00:33:38,474
[audience laughs]
629
00:33:38,474 --> 00:33:41,227
...the more I will understand.
630
00:33:42,562 --> 00:33:44,564
She'd come into the room, "Hello."
631
00:33:45,273 --> 00:33:46,983
[louder, in singsong] "Hello!"
632
00:33:51,279 --> 00:33:53,156
[loudly] "What is your name?"
633
00:33:54,240 --> 00:33:57,660
And I would fuck with her,
"Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King."
634
00:33:57,660 --> 00:34:00,496
[audience laughs loudly, whoops]
635
00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:02,874
[chuckles]
636
00:34:03,583 --> 00:34:06,961
You should see the look in her face,
"Oh, shit, he's fucked up!"
637
00:34:06,961 --> 00:34:08,504
[audience laughs]
638
00:34:11,132 --> 00:34:12,467
[laughs]
639
00:34:13,468 --> 00:34:17,638
And then she would give me
these long-ass word math problems.
640
00:34:17,638 --> 00:34:19,974
And she was all excitable.
641
00:34:20,683 --> 00:34:21,768
"Are you ready?"
642
00:34:21,768 --> 00:34:23,770
[audience laughs]
643
00:34:23,770 --> 00:34:28,316
"I'm laying in bed with a stroke,
I can't be more ready, more!"
644
00:34:30,902 --> 00:34:34,947
"Here we go!
Little Billy went to the store."
645
00:34:36,657 --> 00:34:38,659
[audience laughs]
646
00:34:40,369 --> 00:34:43,706
"He had 16 marbles in one pocket,
647
00:34:44,457 --> 00:34:47,001
$32 in another pocket,
648
00:34:47,001 --> 00:34:52,006
and he left the house
with four... fluffy... puppies."
649
00:34:52,006 --> 00:34:54,092
[audience laughs]
650
00:35:01,557 --> 00:35:02,642
I'm, like, "Come on!"
651
00:35:04,227 --> 00:35:07,772
"On the way to the store,
he stopped past his aunt's house."
652
00:35:07,772 --> 00:35:10,566
"He gave her two of the fluffy puppies."
653
00:35:11,692 --> 00:35:13,444
"He continued to the store."
654
00:35:14,070 --> 00:35:16,030
"Unbeknownst to him...
655
00:35:16,906 --> 00:35:19,158
[pretending to cry]
...he had a hole in his pocket".
656
00:35:19,992 --> 00:35:22,286
"He lost seven of his marbles."
657
00:35:24,664 --> 00:35:26,999
"What the fuck,
am I four years old? Go on!"
658
00:35:26,999 --> 00:35:28,876
[audience laughs]
659
00:35:28,876 --> 00:35:33,089
"At the store, he spent 10.75."
660
00:35:34,966 --> 00:35:36,592
[audience laughs]
661
00:35:37,426 --> 00:35:38,386
[gravely] Oh, shit.
662
00:35:38,386 --> 00:35:40,638
[audience laughs]
663
00:35:43,808 --> 00:35:47,395
"He got another pack of 19 marbles."
664
00:35:48,437 --> 00:35:49,272
Fuck!
665
00:35:49,272 --> 00:35:51,524
[audience laughs]
666
00:35:55,987 --> 00:36:00,950
"All he got was the marbles,
the fluffy puppies, and the change."
667
00:36:00,950 --> 00:36:02,326
"What did he bring home?"
668
00:36:04,287 --> 00:36:05,705
[audience laughs]
669
00:36:05,705 --> 00:36:09,041
I didn't know this shit before the stroke,
what the fuck?
670
00:36:09,041 --> 00:36:12,211
[audience laughing, clapping]
671
00:36:13,212 --> 00:36:15,214
[audience whooping]
672
00:36:20,344 --> 00:36:23,222
[unintelligible]
673
00:36:23,222 --> 00:36:25,099
[audience laughs]
674
00:36:25,099 --> 00:36:27,602
What are you,
a fucking teacher, what the fuck?
675
00:36:29,020 --> 00:36:31,022
"Now, see, what he did is..."
676
00:36:33,107 --> 00:36:34,192
It's a joke!
677
00:36:34,192 --> 00:36:36,277
[audience laughs loudly]
678
00:36:41,073 --> 00:36:42,909
Why do you explain to him?
679
00:36:42,909 --> 00:36:44,660
[audience laughs]
680
00:36:44,660 --> 00:36:45,578
The what?
681
00:36:46,454 --> 00:36:48,247
[audience laughs lightly]
682
00:36:49,207 --> 00:36:51,042
- [woman, unintelligible]
- Oh, shit.
683
00:36:51,042 --> 00:36:52,251
[audience laughs]
684
00:36:52,251 --> 00:36:53,419
I just fucked up.
685
00:36:56,047 --> 00:36:58,799
All right. Why do you explain it to her?
686
00:36:58,799 --> 00:37:04,555
[audience laughs loudly, exclaiming]
687
00:37:08,309 --> 00:37:09,435
No, I...
688
00:37:14,106 --> 00:37:16,484
My vision is bad from my stroke.
689
00:37:16,484 --> 00:37:18,569
[audience laughing raucously]
690
00:37:18,569 --> 00:37:20,655
[audience claps]
691
00:37:27,245 --> 00:37:28,871
H... Hey, little girl...
692
00:37:28,871 --> 00:37:31,207
[audience laughing]
693
00:37:35,127 --> 00:37:39,632
I use my st...
my stroke for an excuse for everything.
694
00:37:39,632 --> 00:37:41,133
[audience laughs]
695
00:37:41,133 --> 00:37:44,053
The cops stop me
for drinking and driving... [chuckles]
696
00:37:45,263 --> 00:37:47,390
"Sir, have you been drinking and driving?"
697
00:37:47,390 --> 00:37:48,766
"I had a stro..." [laughs]
698
00:37:48,766 --> 00:37:50,851
[audience laughs]
699
00:37:53,854 --> 00:37:56,190
"What the fuck,
is that alcohol on your breath?"
700
00:37:56,774 --> 00:37:58,025
"My medicine!"
701
00:37:58,025 --> 00:38:01,570
[audience laughs, claps]
702
00:38:03,239 --> 00:38:04,532
[chuckles]
703
00:38:04,532 --> 00:38:06,826
"Your medicine smells like Hennessy?"
704
00:38:06,826 --> 00:38:08,911
[audience laughs]
705
00:38:12,748 --> 00:38:15,960
Ah, goddammit, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
706
00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:17,712
[audience laughs lightly]
707
00:38:17,712 --> 00:38:19,338
I have, you know... [chuckles]
708
00:38:19,880 --> 00:38:23,676
I remember when I--
Like, when I went to the hospital,
709
00:38:24,218 --> 00:38:26,220
the pandemic was first starting.
710
00:38:26,887 --> 00:38:30,141
Do y'all remember
when the pandemic first started?
711
00:38:30,683 --> 00:38:34,395
I know Black folks, we thought, at first,
712
00:38:34,979 --> 00:38:36,981
COVID didn't infect us.
713
00:38:36,981 --> 00:38:38,983
[audience laughs lightly]
714
00:38:38,983 --> 00:38:41,319
We didn't think COVID infected us.
715
00:38:41,319 --> 00:38:43,237
We were having block parties...
716
00:38:43,237 --> 00:38:45,323
[audience laughs]
717
00:38:48,868 --> 00:38:51,037
♪ We don't get no COVID ♪
718
00:38:51,037 --> 00:38:52,997
[audience laughs]
719
00:38:55,833 --> 00:38:57,877
That shit lasted for two hours.
720
00:38:57,877 --> 00:38:59,462
[audience laughs]
721
00:39:01,339 --> 00:39:04,675
I remember CNN, Jake Tapper came on.
722
00:39:04,675 --> 00:39:06,218
[imitating Tapper] "Breaking news!"
723
00:39:06,218 --> 00:39:09,805
"More Black people die of COVID
than anybody else!"
724
00:39:09,805 --> 00:39:10,973
What the fuck?!
725
00:39:10,973 --> 00:39:13,059
[audience laughs]
726
00:39:14,268 --> 00:39:16,437
Why do we always
get the worst of this shit?
727
00:39:17,480 --> 00:39:19,857
More Black people die of cancer.
728
00:39:19,857 --> 00:39:23,152
More Black people die of diabetes.
729
00:39:23,152 --> 00:39:26,947
More Black people
die from mountain climbing.
730
00:39:26,947 --> 00:39:27,865
"Wait a minute."
731
00:39:27,865 --> 00:39:30,034
[audience laughs]
732
00:39:33,454 --> 00:39:35,247
"We don't mountain climb!"
733
00:39:36,374 --> 00:39:38,626
"Yeah, but when you do, you die!"
734
00:39:38,626 --> 00:39:41,253
[audience laughs loudly, claps]
735
00:39:46,634 --> 00:39:49,136
Like, I was in the hospital
for two months.
736
00:39:50,262 --> 00:39:52,348
Two solid months, man.
737
00:39:52,348 --> 00:39:54,767
Right in the heat of the pandemic.
738
00:39:55,267 --> 00:39:58,104
You know, when the pandemic hit,
739
00:39:58,687 --> 00:40:02,441
your family couldn't come
to the hospital with you.
740
00:40:02,441 --> 00:40:05,778
So I was by myself with me
741
00:40:05,778 --> 00:40:07,113
and the nurses.
742
00:40:07,113 --> 00:40:08,364
[person whoops]
743
00:40:08,364 --> 00:40:09,865
Any nurses here?
744
00:40:09,865 --> 00:40:11,409
[some whooping and clapping]
745
00:40:12,076 --> 00:40:15,788
[audience laughs loudly, claps]
746
00:40:27,716 --> 00:40:30,219
The nurses treated me like shit.
747
00:40:30,219 --> 00:40:32,304
[audience laughing loudly]
748
00:40:34,974 --> 00:40:37,643
All those hoes are not heroes!
749
00:40:37,643 --> 00:40:40,271
[audience laughs]
750
00:40:45,609 --> 00:40:49,864
They left blood samples on my food tray.
751
00:40:52,450 --> 00:40:56,287
And I'm now, "Fuck, fuck this.
Defund the nurses!"
752
00:40:56,287 --> 00:40:59,748
[audience laughs]
753
00:41:04,003 --> 00:41:04,837
[chuckles]
754
00:41:05,880 --> 00:41:06,964
Except her.
755
00:41:06,964 --> 00:41:10,384
[audience laughs, claps, whoops]
756
00:41:11,177 --> 00:41:14,054
No, man, I got jumped by a pack of nurses.
757
00:41:15,222 --> 00:41:17,224
They fucking jumped me!
758
00:41:18,767 --> 00:41:23,230
I wanted a room, 'cause I was falling,
like, in the hospital, I fall.
759
00:41:23,230 --> 00:41:27,443
And they... start measuring my head.
760
00:41:28,110 --> 00:41:29,945
Like, "What the fuck you measure...?"
761
00:41:31,113 --> 00:41:33,115
"Well, we're gonna put a helmet on you."
762
00:41:33,115 --> 00:41:35,201
[audience laughs]
763
00:41:37,703 --> 00:41:39,413
"I'm not wearing no damn helmet."
764
00:41:40,706 --> 00:41:42,291
"You're gonna wear the helmet."
765
00:41:42,291 --> 00:41:44,543
"I'm not wearing a helmet!"
766
00:41:45,711 --> 00:41:48,631
I mean, how can I harass the nurses
767
00:41:49,298 --> 00:41:51,091
with a fucking helmet on?
768
00:41:51,091 --> 00:41:52,718
[audience laughs]
769
00:41:54,178 --> 00:41:55,679
You know how dumb that shit looks?
770
00:41:55,679 --> 00:41:57,223
"Hey, baby, ahh..."
771
00:42:00,267 --> 00:42:03,771
Big, dumb helmet,
stickers all around it, like...
772
00:42:08,776 --> 00:42:11,779
She, like, "You're gonna wear the helmet!"
"I'm not wearing the helmet!"
773
00:42:11,779 --> 00:42:13,864
Matter of fact, take me to the bathroom.
774
00:42:14,323 --> 00:42:17,117
And she go and throw me a bedpan.
775
00:42:18,077 --> 00:42:20,621
A small-ass bedpan.
776
00:42:20,621 --> 00:42:22,081
You've seen them.
777
00:42:23,791 --> 00:42:26,418
Why don't you just give me an ashtray,
what the fuck?
778
00:42:26,418 --> 00:42:28,504
[audience laughs]
779
00:42:31,549 --> 00:42:34,426
Matter of fact, gimme the helmet,
I'll shit in the helmet.
780
00:42:34,426 --> 00:42:37,638
[audience laughs loudly, claps]
781
00:42:40,891 --> 00:42:43,978
And so I just threw
the bedpan back at her.
782
00:42:43,978 --> 00:42:45,145
[groans]
783
00:42:45,145 --> 00:42:47,773
But I had a stroke,
I didn't have much strength,
784
00:42:48,482 --> 00:42:50,401
so she just caught the bedpan midair.
785
00:42:50,401 --> 00:42:53,571
[audience laughs]
786
00:42:58,367 --> 00:43:01,912
And she goes and tells me, "I don't
give a shit if you poop yourself."
787
00:43:01,912 --> 00:43:04,790
"You better not get out of that damn bed."
788
00:43:05,708 --> 00:43:09,044
I'm, like, "Oh, shit."
She slammed the door, bam!
789
00:43:09,044 --> 00:43:12,172
I'm stuck by myself in my own thoughts.
790
00:43:13,132 --> 00:43:14,550
I'm, like, "What the fuck?"
791
00:43:15,175 --> 00:43:17,970
-"Who she talking to?"
- [audience laughs]
792
00:43:17,970 --> 00:43:19,847
"I'm from South Philly!"
793
00:43:19,847 --> 00:43:21,724
[audience laughs]
794
00:43:21,724 --> 00:43:24,935
I don't even know what that meant,
but it felt good saying it.
795
00:43:24,935 --> 00:43:27,229
[audience laughs]
796
00:43:29,607 --> 00:43:30,733
[chuckles]
797
00:43:30,733 --> 00:43:33,319
When you are in a brain injury unit,
798
00:43:34,194 --> 00:43:36,030
they always keep a camera on you.
799
00:43:36,905 --> 00:43:40,284
All the time, they're watching you,
they keep a camera on you.
800
00:43:40,284 --> 00:43:43,454
You know what I mean?
So I looked right at the camera.
801
00:43:43,454 --> 00:43:46,290
[audience laughing]
802
00:43:50,544 --> 00:43:52,921
And I put my hospital socks on.
803
00:43:53,839 --> 00:43:55,382
You know hospital socks.
804
00:43:56,258 --> 00:43:58,677
They come
with the suction cups on the bottom.
805
00:43:59,970 --> 00:44:01,972
The Air Jordan of socks.
806
00:44:01,972 --> 00:44:03,682
[audience laughs]
807
00:44:07,936 --> 00:44:10,189
I put them on one by one. [groans]
808
00:44:12,066 --> 00:44:12,941
[groans]
809
00:44:18,739 --> 00:44:20,115
I wanted to get out the bed.
810
00:44:20,115 --> 00:44:24,662
As soon my feet touched the floor
the alarm went off.
811
00:44:25,746 --> 00:44:27,998
Those bitches came running in
812
00:44:29,249 --> 00:44:31,627
with pepper spray and Tasers.
813
00:44:31,627 --> 00:44:34,171
[audience laughs loudly]
814
00:44:34,171 --> 00:44:37,299
And I'm trying to haul ass
like it's a light, "Oh, shit!"
815
00:44:37,299 --> 00:44:40,386
"Twelve... eleven..."
816
00:44:40,386 --> 00:44:42,721
[audience laughs]
817
00:44:42,721 --> 00:44:43,639
"Ten."
818
00:44:43,639 --> 00:44:45,766
[audience claps, whoops]
819
00:44:50,771 --> 00:44:53,691
Some fast-ass Jamaican nurse ran me down.
820
00:44:53,691 --> 00:44:55,776
[audience laughs]
821
00:44:55,776 --> 00:44:56,860
[chuckles]
822
00:44:56,860 --> 00:44:58,737
She was strong as shit.
823
00:44:59,446 --> 00:45:02,449
Had me in a full nelson,
my feet dangling in the air.
824
00:45:03,951 --> 00:45:06,620
I'm, like, "Put me the fuck down!
Put me down!"
825
00:45:06,620 --> 00:45:08,497
[audience laughs]
826
00:45:10,082 --> 00:45:11,542
[chuckles]
827
00:45:11,542 --> 00:45:12,751
She put me down.
828
00:45:12,751 --> 00:45:17,256
When you have a stroke,
you get spasms in your legs, spasms.
829
00:45:17,756 --> 00:45:20,426
And my leg just kicked up in the air.
830
00:45:20,426 --> 00:45:24,054
I end up kicking this Irish nurse
right in the gut.
831
00:45:24,930 --> 00:45:26,974
Bam! And she's, "Oh!"
832
00:45:26,974 --> 00:45:29,017
"This motherfucker wanna fight!"
833
00:45:29,017 --> 00:45:31,103
- [audience laughs loudly]
-"No!"
834
00:45:31,937 --> 00:45:33,147
"No."
835
00:45:33,147 --> 00:45:35,232
"Spasms, I got spasms!"
836
00:45:36,191 --> 00:45:37,735
"Fuck your spasms!"
837
00:45:40,696 --> 00:45:43,490
And she threw a jab at me,
you know what I mean?
838
00:45:44,742 --> 00:45:47,161
But I used to box,
I just caught that shit, bam!
839
00:45:47,786 --> 00:45:49,955
She's swerving, I slipped it, ah!
840
00:45:51,290 --> 00:45:54,084
[audience laughs loudly]
841
00:45:54,084 --> 00:45:56,170
[audience claps]
842
00:45:59,465 --> 00:46:01,341
"South Philly, bitch!"
843
00:46:01,341 --> 00:46:03,635
[audience laughs]
844
00:46:07,097 --> 00:46:09,016
But I celebrated too fast.
845
00:46:09,892 --> 00:46:12,060
Fucking Puerto Rican nurse was next.
846
00:46:12,895 --> 00:46:15,564
She came with a lot of movement,
you know what I mean?
847
00:46:15,564 --> 00:46:16,732
[audience laughs]
848
00:46:16,732 --> 00:46:18,525
Like Zab Judah, she... [grunts]
849
00:46:20,819 --> 00:46:23,614
She'd fake with the right,
hook with the left.
850
00:46:23,614 --> 00:46:25,699
Knocked me the fuck out, man.
851
00:46:25,699 --> 00:46:27,534
[audience laughs]
852
00:46:27,534 --> 00:46:31,371
Before I went, I heard her say,
"South Bronx, motherfucker!"
853
00:46:31,371 --> 00:46:33,415
[audience laughs raucously]
854
00:46:33,415 --> 00:46:36,001
[audience clapping]
855
00:46:40,672 --> 00:46:41,924
Wait a minute... [laughs]
856
00:46:42,591 --> 00:46:45,052
Y'all ain't supposed to applaud
for that shit.
857
00:46:45,052 --> 00:46:46,470
[audience laughs]
858
00:46:48,055 --> 00:46:49,765
I was out cold, man.
859
00:46:50,474 --> 00:46:53,018
I woke up, I was in the COVID section.
860
00:46:53,018 --> 00:46:55,103
[audience laughs]
861
00:46:55,103 --> 00:46:56,980
With a helmet on, what the fuck?!
862
00:46:56,980 --> 00:46:58,440
[audience laughs loudly]
863
00:47:05,280 --> 00:47:07,658
No, they did put me
in the COVID section, man.
864
00:47:08,158 --> 00:47:10,369
No lying, I had no symptoms.
865
00:47:11,620 --> 00:47:14,998
No runny nose, no sore throat, no coughs.
866
00:47:14,998 --> 00:47:17,543
I think they put me there
for bad behavior.
867
00:47:17,543 --> 00:47:19,503
[audience laughs]
868
00:47:23,257 --> 00:47:24,508
[chuckles]
869
00:47:25,217 --> 00:47:28,178
And the COVID section was, like, dark.
870
00:47:29,388 --> 00:47:31,098
In a dungeon almost.
871
00:47:31,890 --> 00:47:35,644
They ran me through the corridor
and all that shit.
872
00:47:35,644 --> 00:47:37,646
The ceiling was leaking water.
873
00:47:37,646 --> 00:47:38,856
[audience laughs]
874
00:47:38,856 --> 00:47:41,358
A guy was playing the organ.
875
00:47:41,358 --> 00:47:44,027
[audience laughs loudly]
876
00:47:46,488 --> 00:47:49,283
I'm, like, "What the fuck is going on?"
877
00:47:51,743 --> 00:47:54,371
And they had a big 70-inch TV
878
00:47:54,371 --> 00:47:55,831
with CNN on.
879
00:47:56,707 --> 00:48:00,419
And at that time,
CNN was showing a death count.
880
00:48:01,253 --> 00:48:03,672
And you'd see the clicker. Click, click.
881
00:48:03,672 --> 00:48:05,048
I'm, like, "Oh, fuck!"
882
00:48:06,091 --> 00:48:08,051
"I see my name, ah, no!"
883
00:48:08,051 --> 00:48:10,095
[audience laughing]
884
00:48:10,095 --> 00:48:11,263
"I'm here!"
885
00:48:16,810 --> 00:48:20,397
They put me... in a room
and locked the door, man.
886
00:48:21,106 --> 00:48:23,525
And those were
the worst days of my life, man.
887
00:48:24,067 --> 00:48:26,111
It was horrible, you know what I mean?
888
00:48:26,111 --> 00:48:28,906
And none, I mean, none
889
00:48:28,906 --> 00:48:30,741
of the NOCs
890
00:48:31,658 --> 00:48:33,368
came to see me or anything.
891
00:48:35,662 --> 00:48:37,372
Nurses of color.
892
00:48:37,372 --> 00:48:39,458
[audience laughs]
893
00:48:46,131 --> 00:48:49,176
And there were four Black nurses,
I'll never forget,
894
00:48:49,176 --> 00:48:50,928
outside my door,
895
00:48:51,803 --> 00:48:53,013
talking.
896
00:48:53,013 --> 00:48:56,058
"I'm not going near that nigga,
he got COVID."
897
00:48:56,058 --> 00:48:57,643
I'm, like, "What the fuck?"
898
00:48:57,643 --> 00:48:58,977
"I can hear y'all!"
899
00:48:58,977 --> 00:49:01,063
[audience laughs]
900
00:49:03,440 --> 00:49:06,902
Well, I'll tell you what,
thank God, thank God
901
00:49:07,903 --> 00:49:11,365
for the white
"Make America Great Again" nurses.
902
00:49:11,365 --> 00:49:13,450
[audience laughs loudly]
903
00:49:20,999 --> 00:49:23,418
They didn't give a fuck about COVID.
904
00:49:23,418 --> 00:49:25,003
[audience laughing loudly]
905
00:49:25,003 --> 00:49:27,381
[audience clapping]
906
00:49:27,381 --> 00:49:29,383
They came walking into my room,
907
00:49:29,383 --> 00:49:30,926
no masks on,
908
00:49:32,552 --> 00:49:34,179
coughing, sneezing.
909
00:49:35,305 --> 00:49:38,183
I got nervous, I put my mask on.
910
00:49:38,183 --> 00:49:41,436
[audience laughs loudly]
911
00:49:47,484 --> 00:49:50,696
They snatched my mask,
"Oh, get this fucking mask off!"
912
00:49:50,696 --> 00:49:53,907
[audience laughing]
913
00:49:54,533 --> 00:49:56,868
Kiss me on my lips, mwaah!
914
00:50:04,584 --> 00:50:06,837
That COVID section is a bitch, man.
915
00:50:07,754 --> 00:50:08,588
It is.
916
00:50:08,588 --> 00:50:11,967
The nurse is telling you,
'cause your family can't come in,
917
00:50:11,967 --> 00:50:14,136
they say... And they show you outside.
918
00:50:14,136 --> 00:50:16,763
Or your family can only come and see you
919
00:50:16,763 --> 00:50:19,141
if something seriously happened to you,
920
00:50:19,850 --> 00:50:21,560
they can see you through a window.
921
00:50:21,560 --> 00:50:23,854
I can't imagine... What the fuck?
922
00:50:23,854 --> 00:50:25,856
I'm sitting there, I'm ready to go,
923
00:50:25,856 --> 00:50:27,524
I see my family give me...
924
00:50:27,524 --> 00:50:29,526
[audience laughs]
925
00:50:33,572 --> 00:50:35,157
What the fuck is that?
926
00:50:36,450 --> 00:50:37,284
[chuckles]
927
00:50:38,827 --> 00:50:40,662
Well, man, I did my time,
928
00:50:42,414 --> 00:50:44,624
in the COVID section, honorably.
929
00:50:47,127 --> 00:50:48,545
Ten toes down.
930
00:50:48,545 --> 00:50:50,464
[audience laughs]
931
00:50:50,464 --> 00:50:52,174
All right, seven toes,
932
00:50:52,174 --> 00:50:54,676
'cause I had a stroke, and...
All right, fine.
933
00:50:58,096 --> 00:51:01,516
You know what I mean? I was
an honorable guy snitching on nurses.
934
00:51:04,853 --> 00:51:07,898
No, when you're leaving... the hospital,
935
00:51:07,898 --> 00:51:11,693
you know, you're leaving the hospital,
it's like leaving a penitentiary.
936
00:51:11,693 --> 00:51:14,279
They give you all your shit
in a plastic bag.
937
00:51:15,614 --> 00:51:16,907
[chuckles]
938
00:51:16,907 --> 00:51:19,242
And the head nurse was admonishing me.
939
00:51:20,368 --> 00:51:21,995
"Don't come back to this place."
940
00:51:21,995 --> 00:51:24,081
[audience laughs]
941
00:51:29,920 --> 00:51:32,047
"You better not come back here."
942
00:51:32,047 --> 00:51:33,799
I'm like, "I'm not coming back."
943
00:51:34,424 --> 00:51:35,550
"I'm gonna do better."
944
00:51:35,550 --> 00:51:37,385
[audience laughs]
945
00:51:38,845 --> 00:51:41,139
Well, that asshole Puerto Rican nurse,
that motherfucker,
946
00:51:41,139 --> 00:51:42,641
going straight to Popeye's.
947
00:51:42,641 --> 00:51:47,938
[audience laughs loudly, clapping]
948
00:51:47,938 --> 00:51:50,065
Hey, man, thanks so much.
949
00:51:50,065 --> 00:51:53,693
[audience clapping, cheering loudly]
950
00:51:56,863 --> 00:52:00,992
[audience whooping]
951
00:52:02,786 --> 00:52:05,872
[mellow music playing over cheering]
952
00:52:20,011 --> 00:52:22,013
[cheering fades]
953
00:52:23,014 --> 00:52:25,642
[rhythmic music playing]
954
00:52:56,089 --> 00:52:58,300
[music fades]
955
00:52:59,259 --> 00:53:01,178
It's so easy!