Is this towel taken?
- I was saving it for you. - Oh.
You know, we really should have taken
a holiday like this a long time ago.
Yeah.
Well, this is the best you've ever looked.
I gave you a little BBL.
I like my mermaids with some whale tail.
What the hell is going on here?
I said to bag the sand, not play in it like children.
These are just the leftovers, okay?
We ran out of sandbags.
After filling up every single one,
by the way, which felt like overkill.
It's not overkill, okay?
There's a biblical storm coming.
A once-in-a-lifetime storm, supposedly.
Like a great man once said,
"One day a rain may come
and wash all the scum from these streets."
Did you just call Travis Bickle
from Taxi Driver a great man?
Travis was a Vietnam veteran,
and he knew the value of firearms and physical fitness.
Storm's coming. Get back to work, Papadakis.
I prefer Mermadakis.
I'm not about to call you Mer...
Stop looking at me.
Hey, the NATO base in Mons has flooded
because of the storm,
and I told General Martin that she and her troops
can come here, and we will put them up.
Oh, Euro hottie, slumber party.
- Ooh! - It's not a real slumber party.
And I don't care if their hotties or busted.
- Thank you, Conway. - Ooh, you got it.
What's happening?
The Colonel and I have been doing
a generational cultural exchange.
I taught him "busted," and he taught me about
something called Creedence Clearwater Revival.
Very good, Conway. Yeah. The troops are on their way.
I want you guys to be aware of the fact
you're gonna have to share quarters, okay?
And Sergeant Conway is in charge of the accommodation,
so she will assign everybody.
Does General Martin have any special requests?
Uh, I think General Martin is all set.
- Okay. - Sorry, what?
I don't know what's going on here.
Sounds like your Canadian girlfriend's
trying to move in with you.
No! No, that's not what I said.
That's how it starts. "Come over, I got central AC."
Next thing you know, you sign in her name to the lease.
Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about.
Trust me, sooner or later,
General Martin's gonna be wearing her night guard to bed
and letting her panties dry in the shower.
That's not...
Not gonna be happening, okay?
I just hope that you're ready
to give up your side of the bed.
My side of the bed is the whole bed, okay?
There's no two sides. It's my side.
- Got it. - Interesting fact.
- Interesting? - We believe you, sir.
I'm your superior officer. You're not allowed to mock me.
Hi.
Um...
You know, things have been so busy since yesterday
when we, uh...
- Kissed? - Kissed. Yeah.
- That kiss was amazing. - It was.
It was something out of a movie.
Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
- The best kiss of my life, so... - Yeah, me, too.
But we also thought, like, maybe you were gonna die.
- Yeah, I'm gonna die. - So...
I guess there's only one way to find out.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Um...
That wasn't quite...
...as good.
- 'Cause I remembered it. - Remembered it.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- It's me. It's me. - Okay.
Okay, you know how, like, some people find
sneaking around really, like, sexy?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Well, you know what I found really sexy?
- What? Okay. - Following the rules.
And I think that's what's happening here.
- I understand, um... - Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
- But we wanna do this. - But we wanna do this.
- Okay. - Yes, we gotta do this.
- Just... - Yeah, just, um...
- Work our way up to it. - Work our way up to it.
Um, come on in.
Everything is normal in here.
The door is not closed for any reason at all.
We are good here. How are you?
Okay, I'm not gonna say it's a good thing
that there's a flood.
'Cause thoughts and prayers to the tulip farmers, obviously.
But it's not a bad thing
that I'm gonna get more FaceTime with General Martin.
Yeah.
I hope she's not thinking that this is gonna be
some kind of a step for the relationship.
- You know, like step forward. - Hmm.
'Cause I'm not really...
I don't want to take a step in any direction.
Yeah, you gotta accept that it's a step.
- Really? - Yeah.
'Cause our relationship is, like, so sexy and fun.
Those are the two things we're built on.
- And scotch a-and innuendo. - Right.
Four things. Those are like...
That's our foundation.
Is just, like, drinking and messing around.
You know what I mean?
Like, I don't think, even with an act of God,
that that would change.
Have you ever considered that
maybe God wants you two to be together?
Okay, you know I have Catholic stuff.
That's creepy, for you to use that against me.
Just bring him into my temporary office.
We made it.
Now, get me out of these damp clothes
and pour me a scotch.
Hurry.
Ugh.
- See? Sexy and fun. - Okay.
You know, sometimes you just forget
that you're my dad.
Who's Catholic now?
Captain, since I'm still aidless,
I was hoping you could step into the role
while I'm on base.
Yeah.
- Hm. - Yes, ma'am.
Man, I am not hating this flood.
But thoughts and prayers to the tulip farmers.
Mm. I hate tulips. Captain.
I just saw a soldier in pajamas.
I told them pajama night was can-can...
Can never happen.
What's next? Charades and s'mores?
Snack time, everyone.
Some welcoming snacks for our lovely guest.
We got chocolate marshmallows and Graham Crackers.
But I wasn't sure,
do you put ranch dressing on this or not?
I can never really get
when you guys like ranch dressing on food
and when you don't.
So I guess we proved you can put maple syrup on anything.
Pretty much, right?
Having a Canadian roommate isn't so bad, is it?
Oh.
Sorry, I thought we were calling it.
- We can call it. - Okay.
- Yeah, let's call it. - Okay.
If I don't use this thing, I gnaw through my own jaw.
Yeah, yeah, got it.
Not a problem.
I mean, you gotta do what you...
Oh, my God.
It's Saturday. What do you want to do today?
Saturdays, I, um,
I have to sharpen my hunting knives,
and it takes a long time.
I've gotta be really super focused,
so I have to be kinda by myself.
But what are you gonna do?
I was gonna watch some human cockfighting.
Okay.
You what?
Human cockfighting.
Where?
Oh, wow.
This is a fun Saturday.
What'd you think we were gonna do together?
Go to IKEA?
Oh, man!
Do we have any, like, softer one of these weapons?
I just, I was, I was led to believe that
that this wouldn't hurt in any way.
And like, I-I guess we're just missing nap time.
How did that rather zaftig fellow get into the army?
Oh, well, Corporal Papadakis has many extraordinary talents.
And hand-on-hand combat is not one of them.
But at least he's getting his nap time.
Fight!
Fifty euros if you don't hit me.
Fine, a hundred euros.
It's so great having real soldiers on the base.
You know what I mean? It's just...
I haven't seen one pair of open toed shoes.
But our guys are getting pummeled.
Okay, we got ourselves a negotiator.
Fake Louis Vuitton luggage set.
Hm? Oh, God.
You have interesting friends.
Well, they have unconventional skills. Yeah.
What about you?
- Are you interesting? - Oh, I am uninteresting.
- Good. - Yeah.
'Cause after debacle with my last aide
smoking something called Afghani train wreck,
I need somebody totally by the book.
- You got it. - Oh, wow.
By the book.
Oh, okay. Fine.
Real Louis Vuitton luggage set, but that's my final offer.
So was it good for you?
Hey, listen, all joking aside,
was it true what you said about that private's mom?
Oh, he sure cried like it was true.
He did.
I sure got hit in the head a lot.
Yeah. But you always got right back up.
I sure got hit in the head a lot.
- Is he gonna be okay, you think? - I don't know.
General Martin said we can't go to the medic
unless we wanna be diagnosed as weak.
Your dad with General Martin equals disaster.
Okay. Lo-look, it's only for a few more days,
so I don't know, try to make friends tonight.
Don't have sex with them.
Or do. I don't know. I'm not your mom.
What?
So, uh, do you guys do that
stick fighty thing every day?
No. Sundays, it's paintball.
General Martin designed her own guns.
They are very powerful.
Looks like it.
We have got to get our hands on those paintball guns.
I sure got hit in the head a lot.
We need to steal those paintball guns
before tomorrow.
'Cause unless General Martin
made those paintball guns shoot mimosas,
I am not letting that demon ruin my Sunday too.
Because General Martin's idea of fun is torture.
Oh. I didn't find guns, but...
I think I might have found something else.
Great.
All I found are these candy jawbreakers.
Papadakis, that's this not candy.
Those are paintballs.
- Hey. - Hey.
- What's going on? - Nothing.
I was just, uh, watching a YouTube compilation
with Martin of, uh, old people falling down.
Hm.
And when they fall in water, we drink, pretty drunk.
So, gonna grab some scotch.
Wait, are the old people hurt?
Uh, not the ones who fall in the water.
You know, as long as they can swim,
which a lot of them can't.
Anyways, I realized something.
It's pretty cool, man. I'm liking having her around.
Yeah?
Turns out, when you like somebody
the way I like her, and you take that little step,
it could be a good thing.
And I came to that conclusion on my own.
I didn't need therapy like that family court judge said I did.
Right?
Yeah, I guess, uh...
Sometimes you got to take a risk.
Unless you're an old person on an escalator.
Yeah, then you just wanna take the stairs.
- Huh. - Okay.
- How you doing? - Thanks for asking.
Yeah, actually, you know, when you have these things swirling--
Yeah, I gotta...
- She's waiting on me. - Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. No, no. Yeah, yeah.
You gotta get back to watching old people.
- All right, pal. - All right, see ya.
- No problem. - Okay.
If you get bored, you can come over.
I'm not gonna do that.
The key to disciplining soldiers isn't the yelling.
It's the silence between the yelling.
Huh. 'Cause I just do the opposite.
I just, like, I rant for, like,
you know, a solid block, like six, seven minutes,
and then I throw something.
Ooh, what's your favorite thing to throw?
- Like a chair. - Hmm.
You know, like Bobby Knight style.
You know, everybody, gets their attention.
This is interesting, though, comparing notes. I like this.
It's hard to be mean in a vacuum.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Who the hell is that?
Who is it? What-what...
Hey.
- Where's General Martin? - Who is it?
Um...
It's, uh, personal friend seeking guidance over.
I got my girlfriend pregnant,
and she's in love with her best friend,
and they're gonna raise a kid together.
I'll-I'll get it, hon.
Listen, I found blueprints of the base
in General Martin's office.
I also ate paint.
So, what's the big deal?
Maybe-maybe she was gonna get it framed for me,
like as a gift or something.
These are the exact blueprints that
Gideon was tricked into stealing.
We never found out who was behind that.
- Hm. - Maybe it was Martin.
There's also plans for a remodel of the base.
Yeah, I think I know what's going on.
Totally get what you're saying.
It's women tearing down women time, isn't it?
Did you guys learn nothing from that Human Resources video
I had you watch with the animated bears?
'Cause it was all about that kind of stuff.
Sir, your girlfriend is not being straight with you.
She's not my girlfriend.
- She is your girlfriend. - No, she is not.
All right, you know what? Look at the bright side.
You know, two moms means
less responsibility for you, Papadakis.
You know what? We'll talk about it more tomorrow.
- Get out. - I was making that up.
I was making that up.
- Hey. - Hi.
Okay, wait. Hey, hey, wait.
- We gotta talk. - No, no.
Did a lot of talking. No more talking.
Okay.
Hey.
What do you think? You think we should...
remodel the DFAC?
No, I think it's fine.
Yeah, me too.
I mean, the only way a remodel would make sense is
if you were gonna double the number of troops.
Then you'd bash out the back wall,
you'd switch out the round tables
for bench seating and expand the kitchen.
But that's just off the top of my head.
- Right. - How's the book?
- It's good. - Hm.
Just getting to the, uh,
section on Pearl Harbor.
Politics aside, you gotta respect a surprise attack.
Yeah.
You've got me in my office on a Sunday.
It better be World War III.
I think if it was World War III, sir,
you'd already be in your bunker.
Is General Martin taking over my base?
What? No. No, no, no, no, no.
The U.S. Army is giving it away.
You're just giving bases away now?
What are you... That's nuts.
No wonder you've never seen combat.
When the fighting starts, I guess you just, what, surrender?
NATO has made a massive weapons deal with the army,
and General Martin wants a, you know,
a training base in the region.
So since Baumholder is a base of value,
I convinced our superiors to throw in Stroopsdorf.
You know, like free perfume with purchase.
You know, your whole obsession with humiliating me
is now reaching a really creepy fetishy area.
I'm not the one who invited your girlfriend to move in!
That, you did on your own.
And now she is your boss.
Oh, see, I wanted to capture that exact moment
so that it will pop up on my screensaver
from time to time.
Of course, because you need something
to replace the pictures of all the kids
you never see anymore.
- Oh, well, look who's talking. - You know what, sir?
I'm not gonna let you get away with this.
Uh, too late. The wheels are already turning.
Oh, and if you try to block it, you will be crushed.
Oh, see, um, your eyes were closed.
So let's try this again.
How does it feel
to be the only American
to lose a battle with Canada?
Oh, see, now, that, that's a keeper.
You know what, sir? This should give you fair warning.
You might want to get that bunker ready.
I'm about to start World War III.
There it is.
Yeah, that-that's what we were looking for.
Yeah.
And I think I know why we found it.
- You do? - Mm-hmm.
Because I took a job with General Martin.
She called me and offered me a position
as her permanent aide at NATO.
Which, you know, comes with a move,
but also comes with a promotion to major...
which means I'm not in your chain of command.
- And we can do this. - Yeah.
Yeah.
Wow. I...
didn't, uh, realize that when I, uh,
submitted my retirement paperwork last night.
What?
Yeah, I...
I mean, sometimes you gotta take a risk, right?
I mean...
I mean, this is crazy. Isn't it funny that we like...
Gift of the Magi to each other?
That is crazy.
We're so on the same page.
Actually, we're not.
We're not?
Well, no.
Look, I-I accepted a new job, like 30 minutes away.
- Uh-huh. - You quit your job.
You gave up your whole career.
Twenty years of service
for a girl you haven't even been on a date with.
Uh...
You're welcome.
- Okay. - Okay.
Look, I've failed
at every relationship that I've ever been in.
- Right? - Uh-huh.
And you, well...
You literally just got a divorce.
Probably should have talked about this first.
Yeah, we probably should have, but... I mean,
I've been thinking about it,
and I've been thinking about us a lot.
I actually see a future for us, okay?
I see like, the house, the family, wireless plan, kids.
- Kids? - Yeah.
Would we talk about that?
Or would you surprise me with some?
I'm not gonna surprise you with kids.
That's not how that works, okay?
I have to go. I do.
I, um, I'm helping General Martin
prep her schedule.
Okay, as soon as I find my bra.
Okay, you don't need to do this, okay?
You don't need to run away.
Don't be like the colonel, okay?
You don't need to avoid emotional conversations.
We can talk through this.
I am nothing like my dad.
Don't do this. Don't just walk away.
Let's talk about it.
What do you wanna talk about, huh?
How to fit my Christmas tree up the chimney, huh?
I'm sorry you found out this way.
I wasn't supposed to say anything till it was official.
Oh, really? I've told you plenty of official secrets, okay?
Like the fact that we have a sound cannon
that makes people projectile vomit.
And that was one of the most romantic dates of my whole life.
Look, you have worked so hard making this base a success.
Enjoy the spoils.
NATO taking over can just allow you
to transfer to a better base.
You're right.
Oh my God. I didn't even think of it that way.
You're doing me a favor. I should be thanking you.
I'm gonna send you some "thank you" flowers.
Where should I have Shah send them?
Oh, yeah, right here. 'Cause you live here now!
- It's not personal, Pat. - Oh, it's very personal.
Okay, you Trojan Horse me
with two of my favorite things.
Sex and human cockfighting.
If you wanted to move in, you should have just asked.
I'm not your enemy, but I could be.
God, you are already my enemy. My God!
You know what? Just gonna give you a heads up.
I planted an alarm in here. It's gonna go off very soon.
Loud enough to drive you crazy,
but faint enough that, when you look for it,
that you won't be able to locate where it actually is.
Oh, yeah, that's gonna drive me nuts.
Merry Christmas, Grinch.
Really? This is... All you got is the rosé?
I mean, rosé is more about, like, quantity.
That's why it comes in a box.
I can't believe Martin thought she was doing me a favor.
I can't believe Shah thought he was doing me a favor.
- Crazy. - It is insane.
To sacrifices everything for our future.
Like they're our saviors or something.
- Yeah. - It's crazy behavior.
You don't think there's a chance
that we are self-sabotaging Quinn style,
so that we don't get hurt?
- No. - No. Yeah.
It's not us, honey, it's always them.
It's them. It's them.
That's the way they want us to think.
I'm obviously not gonna
take the job with General Martin
after everything that I--
Have you learned nothing from working with me?
What do you mean?
Career goes before family every time.
So you are taking that job, okay?
Number one, you earned it. Number two, you deserve it.
Thanks, dad.
Plus, it can't hurt to have a Quinn on the inside.
Find out what her next moves are gonna be,
and then, you know, frame her for selling military secrets.
Wait, what?
You know, see how you feel.
Company, atten-hut!
Our training exercise is on hold.
The paintball gear has been stolen.
Don't worry, I've been eating the evidence.
Why didn't you just throw it away?
The guns were in my office
and only Stroopsdorf soldiers had access.
Maybe it's a cat burglar situation.
Mm. Interesting theory.
So what I'm gonna do is keep my eyes peeled
for someone very sexy wearing spandex.
Well, don't look at me.
The only thing I'm guilty of stealing is hearts.
I am in charge of this base now,
and I order everyone to be normal!
Yes, ma'am!
We will be normal!
Normal.
It's going so well.