Stroopsdorf is so honored to be hosting
its first international peace talks.
And we are proposing that we throw the events
with a spa theme. Whoa, we-we are building up...
- The harp is not-- - Seriously?
I've been dragging this thing around for 30 minutes.
- Okay. - You know what?
Someone else can move it.
As I was saying, we are honored to be hosting and--
Honored could be pushing it a bit.
Sir, you know how I feel about these things.
My old saying, "Those who can't fight, negotiate."
Well, we all know that the only reason this is happening here
is because you've making kissy-kissy with General Martin.
Somebody sounds a little bit jealous.
Okay. We can all agree
that we need these talks to go well.
- Yes. - So, it's important that we make
the delegates feel like they are--
Wine moms at 8:15 a.m. on the first day of school.
Which is why we have the army's only onsite sommelier.
This is a 1986 Chateau Bordeaux.
It's full bodied with hints of black currants
and a velvety finish.
And we have a sauna now, sir, which is
basically a cedar closet that we emptied out
and filled up with space heaters,
but it is hot in there and people can go pant-less.
And wrap themselves in luxurious towels.
Ooh. These swans are good.
I generally don't know how to be bad at something.
Did Shah ever work on a carnival cruise?
And I'm the masseuse.
- But only chicks. - You know what, I'm sold.
- Yes. - Don't change a thing.
And these swans are really a lovely touch.
- Thank you, sir. - You're welcome.
- All right. - Whoa-ahh!
I knew it! I knew he would love
- these ideas, right? - Guys, guys.
- Shut it down. - What?
No, no, he hates it. He's going to sabotage us.
- He clearly loves it. - I know what I'm talking about.
I'll tell you this, Colonel, you have made
some excellent sauna back there.
My skin is glowing.
Oh, do you need this towel to make another swan, or...
- No! - No-no-no-no.
So far, I'm liking working together.
I know you can't beat the commute from the bedroom.
Right?
All right, the first delegates are arriving in five minutes.
Diplomacy is my least favorite part of the job.
Worse than when I dug a bullet out of my thigh with a knife.
Although, it was kinda satisfying.
It was like a fleshy Easter egg hunt.
I think peace is just completely overrated.
I mean, we have all these great war machines,
like fighter jets and tanks,
and, you know, kids aren't interested anymore.
- Mm. Hm. - I blame video games.
I think people are just squandering their bloodlust
- on couches. - Thankfully, I have
an aide-de-camp who handles the logistics for me.
She's good. Just don't mention Amsterdam.
She went there last week and she won't stop
talking about the Van Gogh Museum.
What is wrong with this generation of soldiers?
We don't wanna hear about your stupid dreams
and your Fantasy Football and, th-there's some guy
that cut his ear off. Keep it to yourself.
Speaking of faking interest,
I'm gonna have to do a lot of that this week.
It's kinda key to my battle strategy.
See, the real talks don't happen at the talks.
Those talks are the fake talks, the "real" real talks
happen outside the fake real talks.
- God, this is why I love guns. - Mm.
Admiral, nice to see you.
General Ali, I knew that jury would acquit you.
- And what a hat! - Huh!
That hat is a war crime.
I can't do this.
All right.
Would you care for some Stroopsdorf Swiss?
You know, its roots actually go all the way back
to World War II
when an American soldier romanced
a local cheese monger's daughter.
In Dutch, it's known as ongeplande zwangerschap,
or "unplanned pregnancy cheese."
Enjoy.
What the hell's going on here?
They got you on cheese duty?
General Martin's aide-de-camp, that Major Higley,
put me in as greeter, but I thought I'd take it up
as an opportunity to show people what Stroopsdorf is all about.
I'm honored to be but a small piece
of the peace process.
- You know what's going on here? - Mm.
She has you assigned to an outpost
far from the action while she is on the frontlines
soaking up all the glory and the connections, okay?
She is sidelining you.
I am going to excel at the job that I was given.
And that is how you win.
No, honey. That's how you give up and lose.
You need to go Quinn, or go home--
You said that you were gonna be in your office all day.
In fact, your exact words were,
"Call me when the dorks make up."
I'm gonna go talk to General Martin about this.
- No. Don't do that. - Why?
That's like a total helicopter-parent move.
What's that?
Helicopter parenting. It's like a very common
parenting term.
I'd love to be a helicopter parent.
I could probably, really be good at that.
I could be an Apache Helicopter Parent.
Like the most badass helicopter parent of all time.
Helicopter parenting is a bad thing.
- How could it be a bad thing? - Mm.
I mean, helicopters are like one of the greatest war machines
ever invented. The giants whirling blades
cutting through the air, and you can fire missiles.
It's death from above for your enemies
and they're really loud, you got to yell inside,
you got to yell outside. I love 'em.
Helicopter parents try to control everything
in their kids' lives by hovering over every decision
- they make. - You're really selling it.
- No, dad, don't. - Why?
Like, look, let me fight my own battles.
Let me just hover above, you know--
- You have to wear a hairnet. - Right. Thank you.
Yes, that, that...
Right here.
A little hovering.
Major Higley, I heard about your recent trip to, uh, Amsterdam.
Have you heard about our little drug testing program
here at the base?
Sorry, soldiers, phones in the bin.
Colonel's orders.
We can't have any information about the peace talks
leaking before they've reached an agreement.
We are now on a base-wide internet blackout
and you are sequestered to the Teen Center.
You know, there was a time before phones.
Your generation's whole lives are on your devices.
I only use mine for work.
Other than that, I exist in the real world. See?
- Easy. - Shah's right.
Rules are rules. This is important.
- Conway? - Hm?
All your phones, please.
Okay. You-you got me.
Mm!
Yup. Uh-huh.
Hmm.
And...
the Saturday night special in your ankle holster.
Good. Next.
All right, Jan, let's rehearse this.
What is up y'all?
This is Corporal Elias Papadakis,
AKA Papa-daddy-dakis.
I'mma be your MC for this whole
freak nasty weekend of peace.
Now, let's get things kicked off with a little cha-cha.
Slide over to that table over there,
and get a security badge.
And remember, only one lanyard per person.
As the official translator for the weekend,
I will translate.
But, Jan, you left out all... You left out all my flair.
Yes. Okay, Papadakis.
I need you to listen, okay?
Now is time for serious. These are important people.
These are peace talks.
Next time, I'mma need my stank verbatim, or else...
Hey.
Higley failed her drug test?
Oh, my God. Well, that's Amsterdam for you.
People rides bikes 'cause they're too high to drive.
The talks just started, and my aide who's running point
is indefinitely suspended.
And on the Wall of Shame.
Which we can Wall of Flame, 'cause most of the people
on there got caught smoking weed.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
- Well, what about Maggie? - Hmm.
I don't know if she's ready.
She's a Quinn, she was born ready.
Enjoy.
- Put the cheese down. - Oh.
- And do like a Charcuterie-- - You have a new assignment.
- Cheese related? - No, honey, forget the cheese.
There's been a change of plans.
You're now in charge of all summit events.
- In charge? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah... T-thank you, ma'am. - Oh, Prime Minister!
Cute tie. I love a bold neutral.
Come here.
- I-I-I wonder what happened-- - I think she just saw
what you were doing with the cheese thing
and she was like, "Hey, I want this girl to put
some of her Quinn sauce on my peace talks."
- That what I'm saying! - Yes. Right.
I'll give her the sauce.
- One thing, hairnet. - Hairnet.
- Yes. - Hah!
Okay. Time to rehearse, Papadakis.
Remember what we talked about. Less is more.
Yeah, shut up, Jan.
Wassup y'all?
It's your boy Papadi back on the mic.
Listen, next peace sess starts in five minutes
and now would make an excellent time to go tinkle.
We should maybe grab some water, or something.
That's a great idea, cool down a little bit.
Does anyone know what this... flag is?
Was upside down.
You know, I can actually see the resemblance
between you and, and Maggie.
No, I think she look more like her mom.
They both have a... weird-shaped skull.
Because she too was on the verge of failure.
I think she's gonna be fine. This is basically
glorified party planning.
Well, one more high-profile screw-up and...
you know, I can have you replaced.
- Hey. How you doin'? - Hey.
Seems like it's going pretty good.
- Maggie seems to be killing it. - Mm, she better.
Several countries have added delegates
at the last minute, and seating chart is a minefield.
How much of a minefield can it be?
- It's just a lunch, right? - No, no, it's not just lunch.
Remember how I told you the real talks
don't actually happen at the talks?
That I launch a diplomacy sneak attack
the moment they least expect it? Well, this is that moment.
- Oh. - The lunch is the most important
part of the whole summit.
Oh.
Ooh, how about... God, who brings plus 20
to a peace talk?
Oh, God.
All right. Nice. Look at this.
Everyone's adjusting to life without phones really well.
Congratulations!
We discovered
that the phones were inside of us all along.
We've been sitting here talking like a real-life group chat.
You mean a conversation?
Yeah, but the LOL's just hit different in real life.
Oh, sorry, I-I thought I felt my phone vibrate.
Phantom vibrations. Oh, looks like you're the one
who's jonesing for a phone, tweakin' for some speakin',
dyin' for some dialin'. It's so sad.
Your generation is worse than us.
You're addicted to your phones, and you don't even know
how to use them. What, do you miss,
your big font, or putting period behind every word
or accidentally leave your flashlight on
- for ten minutes at a time? - Okay, no.
It's just a work day and my work is on my phone, okay?
It is important for me to be available
for the Colonel at all times.
I should call him. You know. Ah...
- Yeah. - I don't have a phone.
So I can't call him, and he can't call me.
And that's okay. Yeah.
Um... Just gonna walk it off.
How many steps do I have today, anyway?
Oh! I did it again! Okay.
Uh, I just like to look at my GPS and know where I went,
how long it took me to get there.
But I can do that myself.
One, two... I'm in the Teen Center.
Three, four, five... Heading left.
Six... Going into the meeting room.
Seven, eight...
Hey.
Is this the menu?
- Dad, please. - Oh, I just...
I don't know, honey, if you understand
how important this lunch is.
Of course I understand how important this lunch is.
Okay, well, it was news to me.
- Wha-- - It's pretty important.
- Apparently. - I have got a lot going on
- right now. You know that... - I know.
...way more delegates are coming than expected,
which means I have to redo the seating chart
and I have to add courses to the menu.
- Oh, okay. - So lots to deal with.
- Would love the space to do it. - Okay.
- I'm giving you the space. - You're not.
- You are hovering. - I'm--
Kinda like a literal helicopter.
- An Apache Helicopter. - Yup.
Dad, General Martin gave me this job
because she believes in me.
But... S-somebody gives you a job
because they believe in you, doesn't mean
they can't take it away from you.
That's, that's what a boss does.
Okay, I was born to do this.
- Calm down. - Okay. I'm fine.
And these forks are too small.
What did I say?
Oh, boy, we're in, we're in a world of hurt.
Hey, strike the whole menu. We need steak and potatoes.
- Okay? - Captain Quinn just confirmed
- the new courses. - Well, Colonel Quinn
is telling you there's a freezer full of steaks
and we need to start cooking them up.
Okay? You want world peace or not?
Let's go.
This fork, we know what this fork is for.
You know, just an average fork.
We wanted the baby version of this.
But when I say "baby version," I don't mean th-this,
because this feels like a fork for babies.
You know? And you've absolutely got this
and I believe in you and appreciate you.
Thank you so much.
- You are hovering. - I know I had to hover
'cause I wanted you to know a very important thing.
I told the chef to change the menu
- from your fu-fu-finger foods. - What?
We need to go heavy. We need to...
- Dad. - We need to go steak, potatoes,
gravy, maybe a side of stew.
- A side of stew? - Yes.
'Cause heavy food makes them tired.
They'll agree to anything
just to get out of the talks and go take a nap.
You know that there's people who don't eat beef.
- I know. - People who don't eat pork.
People who don't eat meat at all--
I know, but they're not here. They don't have
- important jobs. - Yes, they are.
They do have important jobs.
Dad, you can't just go and change my menu.
I am just trying to help.
Okay. There is a lot riding on this.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Let me help.
If you wanna help, then you have to change the menu back, okay?
Tell you what, I don't how cucumber
- got its own sandwich. - Yeah.
And, uh...
I... Actually, I...
I actually do need your help with something.
- Really? - Yes.
I forgot that I need to restock the kitchen
with propane tanks.
You know, I'm sure they need them for the auxiliary burners.
- And-- - You want me to be...
Mission Propane.
Okay. So, I'll get some, uh...
some propane tanks and bring 'em back.
You're changing the menu back, first.
I'm going.
Kill the steaks. Go back to the cucumber sandwiches.
- I'm getting 200 steaks prepped. - I know.
But apparently, vegetarians are running countries now.
Oh. Hi.
Captain, I must say you are really rising
to the occasion. You keep this up,
you can join me at the peace talk circuit.
- Geneva, Versailles-- - Oslo?
- One step at a time. - Absolutely, yeah.
Thank you, ma'am. Thank you.
Having fun, thief?
Uh, sorry?
The "random" drug test.
I don't know what you're talking about.
The only reason you have this job
is because I was targeted for a drug test.
And because I wanted to make the Van Gogh Museum
a little more vibrant, I failed it.
Look, I'm-I... Sorry, I had nothing to do with that.
You only have this job 'cause daddy made it happen.
- No-- - You have no idea what
you're doing. You're the worst kind of nepo baby.
You're no Dakota Johnson, you're Scott Eastwood.
I am Dakota Johnson.
She thinks she got into my head, she did not
get into my head!
Ha. Listen to me very carefully.
Uh, we are going back to steak and potatoes.
- What? - You heard me.
You heard me.
Exactly what Dakota Johnson would have done.
The Prime Minister can't be sitting next
to the Sheikh, right?
And obviously, not next to the Premier.
That makes no sense.
- Um... - Ladies and gentlemen!
Doors are open for lunch. Come on in
and find your seat.
What if, what if, what if they weren't sitting?
Wh... Uh, uh. Strike the chairs!
Uh, a-and get high-top tables.
- What? - You can't mess up
the seating chart if you're not sitting. Bah!
Just stall while I get rid of the chairs
and add high-top tables.
Strike that. There's been a prank.
Y'all just got lunched.
It's something we do in the Army here.
Where you think there's food and there's nothing.
So y'all gonna be hungry for a minute.
I am a genius.
Stop elbowing me!
I'm trying to cut my steak on this... high-top table.
What is this menu? I can't eat this.
- Hmm. - I am not a genius. Mm-mm.
Propane.
Gotta be kidding me.
You know, the only thing worse than an errand
- is a fool's errand. - Okay.
Look, I, I needed you to stop helicoptering.
And-and, by the way,
you really thought I wouldn't find out
about General Martin's aide?
I don't care about that. I'm proud of that, honey.
I-I got a woman to pee in a cup for you.
- That means something. - Dad, I want
to succeed based on my own merits,
not because my daddy came in
and blasted away the competition.
It was a direct hit. Splash good.
I believed in myself because I thought
that General Martin believed in me.
- And now I am so lost... - Honey.
And confused and kind of losing my mind
- if I'm being honest. - No, no, no. Relax.
You're fine. You're going to be fine, okay?
This is culinary outrage!
Should have gone with the steak and potatoes.
- I did! - Potatoes?
Two of these countries fought in the Potato Wars of 1637.
Who changed the menu I approved?
They did.
Like six times.
It wasn't six times.
- Fix this. Now! - Yup. Yes, ma'am.
Looking for something?
Uh...
I need my phone. My bones are cold.
That means there's a work crisis.
- I just know it. - Remember who implemented
this media blackout in the first place.
You are not yourself right now. Leave the phone.
- Let me see my messages! - Oh. You are a workaholic.
The Colonel needs me. It's who I am.
Shah, you are more than your job!
Fine.
When I was a kid...
my grandparents, they had a, a bakery.
Sneak attack! Ha-ha!
No!
- I might have a problem. - You definitely do.
Mm-hmm.
Look, you're using work to distract yourself
from your personal life.
And I get it, no one does as many scams
as I do, and is a well-adjusted person.
I don't have a personal life to avoid, okay?
I'm a recent divorcee
who actually wants his boss to call him
on nights and weekends so I can feel
like someone needs me.
Well, you're welcome to come over any time.
I-I mean, I won't be there, but you can vacuum.
We are handling the situation.
These aren't even the real, real talks.
They're the fake real talks, as you know.
This was not General Martin's fault,
it was the officer in charge of the base's fault,
whoever that buffoon is.
Maybe Colonel Patrick Quinn.
I can't believe I made such a big mistake.
And with everything riding on this,
like, i-it's-it's the talks and the base
and our jobs, and I've ruined it.
I've ruined it all.
I wasn't ready for this.
Who could be ready for two countries
that went to war over a, over potatoes?
- And one of them's not Ireland. - I should have known, okay?
Th-this is what I wanna do, you know?
This is the world that I wanna be in.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
That's my job.
- Yeah. - Ah. I know, I'm sure
you have an annoying idea up your sleeve, right?
- Okay, well-- - Actually, I have something.
- Good. - You know, remember
all those ideas that I had for the peace talks
that you, that you didn't wanna do? You hated them?
- Yep. - We're gonna do 'em.
Thank God I kept the harp!
- Now, you don't hover. - I know.
- Now, you're not hovering. - I got it, I got it.
Let's go.
Welcome. Breathe in, drink wine.
See, this is what Stroopsdorf has
that nobody else has.
People who are willing to turn their Teen Center
into a spa, people who come together
to make something successful.
People who are there for each other.
And that is not nothing.
Yeah, I mean, I still wish we had something else,
but, um, let's go with this spa thing.
Papa-daddy-dakis welcomes you
to the Stroopsdorf Spa.
Jan... you did my stank.
In the spirit of peace,
I threw my ass into it.
- Relax. - Okay.
Do you think it's working? Can you check?
- I'm gonna check. - To see if they're happy.
- Okay. - See if it's working, or--
Um... Hmm.
I mean, they don't... They don't look happy,
but they... Maybe they're, like, calm.
- They look calm? - Well, well, it's calm.
They're calm, or not happy?
Well, they look, like, relaxed. I don't know, I--
- That's good. - Captain.
- Hey. - Dad.
Oh. Okay.
General Martin, I am so sorry,
and I completely understand if you don't want me
in the professional development--
I was able to get the real, real talks started again.
Two countries, which I cannot disclose,
are right now having discussions in the sauna.
Sixty-four degrees Celsius really loosens folks up.
- Is that hot? - Is that hot?
Look, you screwed up, but you fixed it.
That's where real skill lies.
Not everything has to be perfect.
Now, I gotta get back to that weird masseuse
to get rid of this knot in my neck.
- I could get that... knot. - Thank you, ma'am.
- No? Okay. - No. No.
- Let me have this. Ooh. - Huh.
You may have pulled this one off, Quinns,
but when next you fail, rest assured, I will be there.
- Okay. - Understood, sir.
Uh, I'm sorry, but if world peace depends
on seeing his skinny legs in that robe,
I'm not... I can't do it.
- Couldn't agree more. - I'd rather go to war.
Whoa!
Is that a bullet wound?
Yeah. Really get in there.
- Okay. - Ow!
- Whoa! - I didn't say stop.
- Okay. - Keep goin'.
It's going so well.