Look, I know we've only been seeing each other
for, like, three weeks,
but I really wanted you to meet my dad.
It's okay, I'm great with parents.
And he's just like any other parent,
you know, except he has experience in gathering
information and breaking enemy combatants.
I thought he loved woodworking.
Well, that's to sharpen his knife collection.
- Well, well. Hello. - Whoo!
Good morning.
But what exactly is happening?
Oh, it's nothing weird.
You know, this is just a standard background check.
He does it for every guy I introduce him to,
so it's a fun surprise for both of us.
- A-a background check? - Michael Avery Grant, correct?
Yes.
Age 36, graduated with honor speech pathology.
Uh, teaching kids to learn to communicate is my true joy.
Aw, yeah.
And I ran a-a check on your criminal record,
and that came up spotless.
Of course, I knew it.
There was one detail that bothered me,
which is that you're currently married.
- Married? - I-I can explain.
Uh...
The divorce isn't final, but we're separated.
Well, that's fine. You know, sometimes
love doesn't last forever.
Yes, but the part that bothered me is that
your wife's grandmother and your grandmother,
they share the same last name.
Okay, well, dad, a lot of people
share the same last name. It's not a big deal.
My ex-wife is my cousin.
- Ha! - Ooh!
But only my first cousin.
- Oh. - Ooh.
Mike, that is the closest kind.
Why is it fine for kings to do it?
- It's not! - It's not!
That's why we loved Lady Di.
She was the only one who didn't look sickly.
Yeah, she's the only one with her chin.
Mike, Mike. Leave.
I-I have the worst taste in men.
You really do, honey. I mean, you line them up.
It's just loser, loser, loser, loser, loser.
- Yeah, I get it. - Yeah, um...
But you know, love is forever.
Especially when you marry your cousin.
We're gonna laugh about this later.
- You're laughing now. - I know. It's just so funny.
You know this is giving divorced dad, right?
Taking your sad daughter to ice cream
to make her feel better. What's next?
Eating cold hot dogs over the sink?
Meeting your lady friend at that dog track?
Is the ice cream making you feel better?
- Yeah. - Okay.
Then it's doing its job.
If the Red Sox can break the curse of the Bambino,
you can definitely break the curse of dating bad men.
Do you know why I'm cursed, dad?
Why-why I pick bad men?
- No. Why? - Well, I'll give you a hint.
Um, he's driving the van.
How could it be my fault? I...
You can't have daddy issues if your dad was never around.
- Do you hear yourself? - Yes.
There are way worse dads than me.
- Name one. - Stalin, one.
- Bing Crosby, two. - Mm. Mm!
Number three, Marvin Gaye's dad shot him.
So you look at those guys, all of a sudden...
- You're the fourth worst dad. - That's not what I was gonna...
Dad, this is serious. I'm...
I'm starting to think that I'm gonna die alone.
You're not gonna die alone.
- Really? - Yeah, I'm gonna be there.
The military is gonna download my brain
into some kind of Terminator style robot
and then, you know,
I'll outlive you by, like, probably a thousand years.
Hey, what the hell is this?
What am I looking at?
Well, based on the signs I'm reading
that you could also read, these are Belgian separatists.
They're demonstrating
because they want to form their own country.
I already don't respect Belgium
because it's basically Luxembourg with better PR.
Now they want to form a tinier, lamier country.
- Lamier. - Yeah.
Dad. Dad. Dad! What are you doing?
- Oh, that was so rude. - How dare you!
Oh, that was the flag.
Well, they ought to work on that
'cause it looked like a sheet to me.
Happy Friday.
Oh, no. No, no, no. We're not doing that.
This weekend is the better opportunities
for single soldier's happy hour.
Yes. We're gonna get you over that cousin humper.
Hey, he was a cousin marrier, okay?
He put a ring on it. It was their grandmother's.
Um, you know, I-I was only ever really into Mike
because I thought that he was the perfect guy
to help me get over Shah.
And now I have two guys to get over.
- Just come out tomorrow. - No.
Look, my picker is so bad.
The only good pick I've ever had was Shah.
- Girl, he is married. - Good point.
Okay, look, this isn't a regular singles mixer.
This is Maggie proof.
I had Papadakis hack into the invite list,
and the first thing we did was get rid of all the women.
And second, I've invited the best officers
from nearby bases, Europe and beyond.
Okay, I'm talking cream of the crop.
Top of the top, all for you.
Wait, so you're telling me that you basically
designed my own personal episode of The Bachelorette?
Yes. And you can immediately go to Fantasy Suites.
And I won't be judging, but I will want details.
- And if my bad picker tries to-- - No, no, no, it won't.
Look, because there is not a bad pick in the batch.
- You can't lose. - Genius.
- Yeah! - I'm in.
Aah! Whoo!
There's nothing like finishing the last item
on your to-do list by 1500.
This must be what drugs feel like.
If you, uh, come down from your high soon enough,
there's a Bruins game on
pretty late tomorrow night at my house.
- That-that sounds good. Yeah. - Yeah.
I can use a little break from Celeste.
Now that we're living together again,
after how much talking goes into a marriage,
I mean, you have to, like, live your day.
Then you have to recap your day.
Then you have to listen to them recap their day.
Get to live two days.
Oh, God, if you come to my house...
- None of that. - Great.
Right? Oh...
Quinn.
Bonjour, this is Bastian,
the leader of the Belgian Separatist Movement.
Ah, uh... I don't recognize the name.
Did we go to high school together?
I was protesting in front of your base,
and you drove through a flag
and that was disrespectful.
No, I drove through a sheet.
Okay. That was blocking the entrance
to my army base.
You were trespassing on US soil.
I demand a public apology.
Let me tell you something, pal.
You're barking up the wrong tree.
I have never apologized for anything in my life.
Not one thing.
I didn't even apologize when I missed my daughter's birth.
Oh. You will apologize.
Or else what?
I don't have an "or else."
We are a non-violent movement.
You got to have an "or else" when you're making demands.
Okay, it's just like that's day one stuff.
So, anyways, thanks for calling.
I needed to laugh
and, uh, I'll never talk to you again.
- Bye-bye. - Okay, I traced the call.
I will notify Stroopsdorf Police, all three of them.
That'll teach him to threaten the US Army.
Go slap the cuffs on his pervert ass.
Wait, how do you know he's a pervert?
Well, he speaks French.
Hello, military boys.
I only know how to make Mai Tai's
and trouble, but I'm really good at making both.
- Ooh, guess who looks so good! - Hi, hi, hi.
Thank you. Yeah.
Wow, this is, uh, amazing.
I-I feel like I'm in a Jane Austen novel,
except I can inherit property.
Hey, are we at all concerned that these many men
will be disappointed that there
- is only one woman to talk to? - Uh, handled.
Allow me to introduce you to the amazing Papadakis.
Amazing Papadakis.
Okay, so what's-what's happening?
Also, Papadakis is gonna entertain the rest of the men
with some up-close magic
while you pull a bombshell for a chat.
Oh, I thought you were the magician.
Every great magician needs a less talented assist.
- Oh. - Pick a card, any card.
Now put it back in the deck.
Now check Papadakis's front chest pocket.
- Ooh. Okay. - I know nothing's in there.
I have very sensitive nipples.
Those are a gift from God and you should cherish them.
Unless...
- Is this your card? - Yeah.
Gideon, you're so good.
Uh, no, I'm the magician.
I pulled the card from my pocket.
He just does all the technical stuff
that leads up to the reveal.
- Isn't that the magic? - No.
Magic is about charisma and charm,
which I have in spades.
You are full of spades.
- Oh, Gideon, yes! - Oh, that's good. That's good.
Puns and props. Who are you, Carrot Top?
Just keep the men from leaving.
Otherwise, I'm gonna make you two disappear.
Now, let's go find your soulmate.
Mm-hmm.
I wonder how Maggie's big night is.
Maggie's what?
Conway's throwing Maggie her big boss dating event
as a sort of factory reset for her love life.
It's good that she's getting some help,
especially after that last guy.
- He really did a number on her. - Oh, yeah.
Which, you know,
is her fault because she picked them.
Like it doesn't have anything to do with me, right?
What?
This is... gonna sound crazy,
but she said to me that, you know,
it was my fault that she picks bad guys.
You know, Freud did have a lot to say about
parental dynamics affecting adult relationships.
Yeah, well, you know, he was a cocaine addled freak,
so I think we're in the clear there.
Yeah, a lot of other psychologists think the same.
You'd be surprised how many people are on coke.
- Yeah. Quinn. - Bonsoir, Colonel.
What the hell? Why is your pervert ass not in jail?
I was released on bail since I am no flight risk.
I will stay here forever to fight for my country.
Your country. Yes. Like, your made-up country.
It's like saying I'm gonna take a bullet for Narnia.
I'm calling you with your "or else."
Okay.
I'm here to destroy something that you care
about and, uh, don't bother tracing the call
because it's coming from inside the base.
What? Hey, you don't hang up on me, you...
Okay, wait, did we just turn a separatist into a terrorist?
No, this guy's a non-violent terrorist.
Which is like saying you're a castrated gigolo.
You know what I mean? He's unhinged.
And if he wants an unhinged competition,
he came to the right guy.
A lot of punches are gonna be blown.
It's gonna be a battle.
I'm gonna bring my brass knuckles to this party.
Let's go to Narnia.
We implemented an exterior lockdown.
MPs are patrolling on foot and by car.
You know what? S-stupid Belgians.
They're just so...
Well, I don't know what they are actually,
'cause I never cared enough to research the stereotypes.
I did.
They are everything that is bad about the French
without anything that is good about the French.
If he's gonna sabotage something,
it's gonna be the cheese.
Hey.
Let's go, let's go, let's go. Come on.
Let's go.
Is that a picture of Gideon holding your card?
- That's my phone. - Huh!
Hey, we got a situation.
One of the Belgian protesters has infiltrated the base,
and is threatening sabotage.
- Sabotage? - Yeah.
- Here? - Yeah.
Okay, what is he gonna do, pee in our cheese?
- Well? - Oh, my God.
Is he gonna pee in our cheese?
We need to shut this event down.
No, Maggie is just getting started.
And Papadakis is gonna saw Gideon in half,
and, you know, he doesn't know how to do that.
Okay, well, maybe we could stay here and just, like,
block the exits.
What, are you nuts?
We have a fox in the hen house, okay?
We need to stop him before he does real damage.
Well, with Maggie's taste of men,
she'll probably find him right away.
'Cause she's got like a magnet for losers.
- That's the plan. Perfect. - What?
- I was joking. Stop. - That is morally reprehensive.
- We cannot do that. - Morally reprehensive?
Absolutely not.
It's-it's a perfect plan. She leads us to the guy.
You distract her. We grab the guy.
She's none the wiser. She starts talking
- to some other guy. - I don't want to do that.
Okay, how can you be so sure that she's gonna find him?
'Cause she's always looking for
the next jerk like Rick Silver.
Okay, so here she comes.
Just be cool. Be cool.
- Hey. - Hey.
Hi. What's going on?
- What are you guys doing here? - We are here to cheer you on.
- Yes. Go, Maggie. - Maggie.
- Win dates. - Win dates.
Stop.
You meet anybody special? Um, tall?
I can't say that anyone's
really giving me, like, the jolt yet.
- The jolt? - Well, you know, the jolt.
Like the-the-the whiff of danger,
the thrill of the unknown.
I'll get a little tingle in my, um, in my heart.
Yeah. Like she got with Rick Silver, right?
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
Rick Silver's a liar, a cheater and a spy.
Yeah. Liar, cheater, spy for America.
You know what, honey?
The important thing is not to give up.
Look at me, the guy, uh, you know,
three divorces down
and I'm still looking for my fourth, you know?
So just go out there and get a jolt. Yeah.
Okay, I'll go back to what I was doing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, great.
- Yeah, all right. - Follow your instincts.
Look for the jolt. All right.
So she's gonna lead us right to the French perv.
And then we grab him, black bag him.
- Black bag him? - Yeah.
We never leave home without it.
- All right, let's fan out. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you very much!
Okay, go ahead.
Oh, my God. I love dogs.
Oh. Oh. So-so these aren't your dogs.
These are, uh, just photos of random corgis.
That's cool. Um...
Wow, oh, so you deliver sanitary products
to developing nations?
As a male feminist, uh,
it's important to connect to menstruation.
You say "menstruation" a lot.
Would it be better if I said "menses?"
No, that's a lot worse.
Un biere, s'il vous plait.
Oof, what is that accent?
It just makes my tailbone tingle.
And why are you here?
Oh, I'm just here hoping to meet somebody
from the base tonight.
Maybe. No, I'm tempted.
But this night is not about me.
You should talk to Captain Maggie.
She's the star of the evening.
- Captain, huh? - Mm-hmm.
She's smiling, and he has a Belgian beer.
Well, she's into him.
And we have physical contact.
You're really funny. That's...
- Nobody's that funny. - No.
I'm going to get water, but I'll be back.
- Move it. - Yeah.
Thank you! All right, let's go.
Thank you very much.
Come on. Let's go. Let's go.
- Out, out, out. Yep, yep... - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How did you get in here?
That's right, yeah.
- Get in that chair! Yeah. - Got him, got him. Go.
- Ha-ha! - Hah!
Yeah, I hope this country you're forming
has free healthcare, pal, 'cause I'm gonna
put a boot so far up your ass,
you're gonna need five doctors to get it out.
Heh. He'll do it, man, you better listen to him.
- He's crazy. - I haven't done anything.
I-I-I just met Maggie,
and she seems so easy...
- What did you say about her... - Hey!
- ...easy to talk to. - Hey, hey! Jeez.
I thought you were the good cops.
Sorry, buddy. You're stuck in a room with two bad cops.
Where's the accent, Belgian boy, huh?
- What happened to that? - I'm an American.
Liar, okay? I saw Maggie talk to you at the party.
You were the guy she was most interested in.
That means you must be
the biggest piece of garbage in the room.
- That's just science. - She was laughing at me.
I'm vegan.
I told her I don't eat anything with a face.
You said that out loud to a woman?
Colonel, we got the wrong guy.
That means...
Wait, you still haven't told me your name.
Oh, my name is Bobby.
And it's a real pleasure to officially
meet you, Captain Maggie of, uh, Stroopsdorf.
And you're not sure how you ended up at this party?
Oh, I mean, I just walked through the door,
but I can tell you all the roads
I took that led me here.
Yes, it is a real saw.
What do you think I am, a hack?
Let's do this.
Wow. I think we're gonna be in the splash zone.
Then maybe we should get out of here.
Yeah. Hey.
So in your country, can you marry your cousin?
No.
Music to my ears. Let's go.
Voila.
I know it's just laundry,
but these facilities are as impressive as everyone said.
Mm.
Well, it's nice to be talked about.
It's sturdy.
And not to brag,
but we do laundry for a lot
of important bases all over Europe.
Come on, I'm sure you have more than that to brag about.
- So, Bobby... - Mm-hmm?
Tell me more about yourself.
What, uh, gets you out of bed in the morning?
Don't, love, but, uh, my love for my country.
- Same. Same. - Really?
I'm literally wearing
red, white and blue underwear right now.
Well, there's a reason we both become soldiers, I guess,
to fight for something that we truly believe in.
Uh, are the lights flickering in here?
I would describe it as more of a-a jolt.
You're talking about the lights?
Yeah. Yeah. Uh, well, we've had, uh,
electrical problems in the past, so could be.
- But, you know... - Hey, I can fix it.
Just show me the breaker box.
- Oh. - Yeah.
Uh, handy.
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.
- I'll show you the breaker box. - Mm-hmm.
Clear.
You know we have keys for all these doors, right?
What's more important to you, door jams or freedom?
Well, Bastian just turned on his phone.
Okay, I got to ping on the location.
Okay. Maggie and Bastian are in the laundry room.
- Let's go. Let's go. - Hang on, one sec.
Okay.
Are you done?
- What? - What?
Yeah. So I think that the breaker box
is somewhere in there,
but, uh, the electricity is here.
I have to tell you, Bobby,
that my instincts are usually pretty terrible.
I just pick all the wrong people
for all different kinds of reasons
that we don't have to get into.
But I stopped trusting myself, you know?
But tonight has given me hope that I can trust myself again.
So, thank you.
- Is it in here or... - Uh, no.
Your phone background is the Belgian separatist flag.
I'm no dummy.
- And it's an ugly flag. - No.
Did you just lock me in?
Hey! Hey! Open the door!
- Mmm. - Damn it.
- Yeah. - He's gone.
You know what?
This is your fault.
- It's not my fault. - You know, you always do this.
Do what?
You always put your job before Maggie,
and you did it again.
There's a room full of nice guys over there
waiting for her right now, and she's not there.
Why isn't she there?
Because of me, okay?
I get it.
In my defense...
- Hey! - Oh, Maggie.
- Hi. - Hi.
T-there's a Belgian separatist that's running around the base.
- So we've been trying to... - Yeah, yeah, I know.
I, uh, I caught him.
I trapped him in the laundry office.
- Oh, you caught him? - Yeah.
I knew something was up. He was way too into laundry.
- Yeah. - I'll just...
- You, you... - Oh, yeah.
Okay.
All right, listen, uh, you were right, and...
You do, you deserve an apology.
You don't have to actually apologize.
I really am sorry.
I've been a really lousy role model.
And I-I'm now, and I'm here
and I should try to be a better one.
- Okay. - Oh, oh, it's okay, baby.
- No, it's fine. - I'm sorry.
No, I interrupted. You go on.
Oh, no, no. That was-that was it.
Oh, I thought you would, that there's like
more to be sorry for.
Well, honey, I kind of meant that was like a...
blanket apology, so there wasn't--
Oh, what about missing my birth?
Your mother and I had a conversation
about the following weekend...
Never teaching me how to ride a bike.
I couldn't find a helmet that fit your head
'cause your head's oddly-shaped.
Okay, what about never telling me that you love me?
I came so close on 9-11.
I am peacefully resisting.
- Work. - Hey, what's up?
So, so much cologne. But...
- Hey, can I still call you? - Yeah.
- No, no. - No, no, no, no, no.
You won't be calling anybody for a while, pal.
Let's go. Come on.
You can call your lawyer. How about that?
Should we get you back to that party?
Nah, I don't think
any of those guys are the right guy for me, you know?
Yeah.
So...
He was tall, though.
A little too tall.
- Uh, hey, dude. - Oh, hey.
- Thank you again for tonight. - Mm-hmm.
And look, I'm sorry it didn't work out, but hey,
at least this time you realized you picked the bad guy.
Oh, yes, progress.
Look, sometimes you don't get what you want
and you get what you need.
And turns out, I needed to watch
my dad speed date 50 men for me.
Who's your favorite quarterback?
Um, I don't actually like American football.
- Bye-bye. - Dad.
What am I supposed to talk to him about on Thanksgiving?
You don't come to Thanksgiving.
I'm coming to Thanksgiving starting this year.
Sarcastic applause. That's what you give me.
You get that from your mother.
Favorite quarterback?
It's going so well.