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[instrumental music]
2
00:00:05,344 --> 00:00:06,946
So let me get this straight,
3
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your country is
only 250 years old.
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You know, that's adorable.
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We have discotheques
that are older than that.
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Yeah, I'm really
jealous of your country,
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its long history
of total irrelevance.
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This little baby country
feeling fussy
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because all I hear
is "goo-goo, gee-gee,"
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and that's what
little babies say.
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Get away from me.
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- Goo-goo, gee-gee.
- Grr.
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Have you got
semiquincentennial fever yet?
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Yes, and I wanted to tell you
about my version of that,
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which I'm calling
semi-Colonel-Quinn-centennial.
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Now it celebrates the country,
my service to it,
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and of course you, by virtue
of being in my shadow.
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I thought we'd print up some
T-shirts for the soldiers.
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- Oh, cool! No.
- Yeah. Why?
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We're just gonna celebrate the
holiday that honors the country
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that all of the soldiers
are missing.
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- I know.
- And that is why I am gonna go
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all out with
a big turkey dinner.
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People hate turkey,
especially soldiers,
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it's dry,
and it makes you tired.
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Holiday turkey dinners
in the DFAC
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are my fondest
childhood memories.
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And all of these troops
have missed a lot of holidays
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being here, and I just want to
bring them that sense of home.
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Honey, it's part of the job to
not be home for the holidays,
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I mean, I can't even remember
how many holidays
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- I wasn't home for.
- I do. All of them.
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And did you hear
me complaining? No.
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Operation Zero Dark Turkey
is a go.
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All right, we got to move
fast if you want to get
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the Baumholder
before the PX closes.
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You guys are going
to Baumholder?
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Yeah, the PX is the only place
I could find
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American Turkeys, you know, like
the hormone-filled ones
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that look like they can host
a manosphere podcast.
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They were supposed
to be delivered today,
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and then there's like an issue,
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so we're just gonna
go pick 'em up.
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I think it's obvious
what the issue is, right?
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Guys, it's me,
Davidson is upset with me
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because I humiliated him
on the laser battlefield,
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so he's holding
our turkeys hostage.
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That makes perfect sense.
I had just momentarily forgot
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that everything
revolves around you.
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- What? This does revo...
- We're gonna get going.
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Hey, I'm going with you
because you are walking
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- into a trap. Yes!
- No.
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I put on deodorant. Let's go.
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I called it way back.
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- Look, you're not coming.
- I am coming.
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- No, you're not coming.
- I am definitely coming.
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You lose your mind
on road trips.
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- No, I don't.
- Do you remember taking
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- the minivan down to Disneyland?
- Yeah.
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And then you yelled at me
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to stop singing
"99 Bottles of Beer"
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because you said
it was alcoholic shanty
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- about improper liquor storage.
- Which it is.
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Let me tell you
something, Missy.
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I have been in a Humvee
that was exploded by an IED.
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I think I can handle
a little trip to the market.
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♪ 46 bottles of
beer on a wall ♪
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♪ 46 bottles of beer
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♪ Take one down,
you pass it around ♪
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Where's a roadside ambush
when you need one?
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[theme music]
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[Papadakis] Are we there yet?
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Say it one more time
and I'm gonna order Conway
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to open the door
and push you out, okay?
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And I'll do it. He did not
put on enough deodorant.
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Well, you know, at least
we're on our way to the PX.
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That store is
a one-stop shop for all
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of the best chemical-filled
American products,
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including deodorant
that actually works.
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Also gonna stock up
on the bad boy
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of the American soda, The Dew.
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You know, it's just such
bullcrap that the same chemicals
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that make it taste awesome,
make it illegal here.
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Do you think that's maybe
a sign you shouldn't drink it?
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No, the sign
I shouldn't drink it would be
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that it makes
my blood feel like lightning.
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- [clicks tongue] Okay.
- You're all making out
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the Baumholder to be this great
place now because of the PX.
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But I'm just warning you,
there's still the enemy.
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Nope, not the enemy,
literally the same army.
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Honey, you're being so naive
about this. I'm telling you.
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Davidson's up to something
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and you are just
drinking his Kool-Aid.
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- Which they also sell at the PX.
- [Dana chuckles]
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So what are you
getting from the PX?
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What? Oh,
I'm not going to the PX.
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Baumholder was my original post.
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Some of my old friends
are doing a party
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and few are my ride-or-dies.
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You have other friends?
Are they anything like us?
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Is there like a-a Mamadakis?
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You know what? Don't tell me.
I wanna be surprised.
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I'm in for the party.
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I would love you
to come to the party
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and you know I want you to
meet my friends.
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- Yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah.
- Hell yeah.
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But it's invite-only. at
a secret underground speakeasy.
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My hands are tied.
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Um...
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I've actually got texts too,
Conway.
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Bet you I got a text right now.
Oh, look at this.
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"Dear Comrade, a revolution is
upon us in the bourgeois pigs."
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You know, you go to
one Communist Party meeting.
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[instrumental music]
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Colonel Quinn, we were
alerted to your arrival.
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General Davidson requests your
presence in his office
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along with the captain.
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Ah, well, just after
we get our turkeys.
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- Immediately.
- Hmm.
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[sniffs] What's that smell?
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Wait. Oh, yeah. It's a trap.
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[instrumental music]
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So, Colonel,
what brings you here?
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You know why we're here.
He's just playing dumb.
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We are here to
pick up our turkeys, sir.
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- [Davidson] Ah.
- He knows that.
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We're also serving turkey
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for the semiquincentennial.
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Nothing says America
like holiday turkey.
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- I couldn't agree more, sir.
- It's a dry bird.
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Uh, we had ordered our turkeys
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from your PX for delivery,
but then someone explained
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that there was an issue
with the ordering system, sir.
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Yeah, the computers
all over the base are down.
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- Ah.
- That's so horrible, sir.
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Do you know what
I think happened?
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I think you canceled
the orders on purpose
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because you are still so upset
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that I humiliated you
so beautifully
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on the laser battlefield.
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I will say all of
this turkey talk
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has given me a genius idea.
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What if I roasted 250 turkeys
for America's 250th
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and in order to do that,
I would have to requisition
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all the remaining turkeys
in the PX.
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Well, respectfully, general,
those are our turkeys
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and you couldn't possibly
need that many, right?
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You'd end up throwing
half of them out.
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What's more American
than gluttony and waste.
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[Patrick] You know
what, sir?
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You can take all 250 turkeys
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and put them in a rocket ship
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and fire them into space.
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- I don't care.
- I care about the turkeys.
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- They make it feel like home.
- You're missing the point.
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He thought he had me,
and now he doesn't have me
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and don't buy into the home BS.
That's what he wants.
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He's playing a psy-op
mind game here, okay?
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If you buy into the home BS,
he went--
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Home is not BS, okay?
An-and this was not a trap.
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It became a trap
because of your ego
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and that's...
I'm so sorry, sir.
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Please, captain, continue.
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I would love to hear
exactly what you think
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about Colonel Quinn
as a parent.
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You don't have to do that.
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- That's an order.
- Mm-hmm.
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[inhales] Well, you can't
comprehend the feeling of home
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because it is something
you have run away from
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your entire adult life
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and now that we are spending
time together,
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you want a lot of credit for
showing up as a dad, right?
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But when you do,
you are terrible at it.
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Wow.
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That went better than I
could have possibly imagined.
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- Popcorn?
- Okay.
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00:07:01,944 --> 00:07:04,047
[instrumental music]
178
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Cucumber.
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00:07:10,327 --> 00:07:12,029
Yeah.
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00:07:12,030 --> 00:07:13,498
[dance music]
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00:07:13,499 --> 00:07:16,037
[gasps] Dana!
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[screaming]
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- It's been way too long.
- No, I've missed us.
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Okay, girls, catch me up
on all the tea.
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00:07:25,123 --> 00:07:28,729
Jen, are you still dating
"He who shall not be named?"
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00:07:28,730 --> 00:07:30,800
No, no. Haley's with him now.
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Guilty.
But I can totally change.
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[Papadakis] I know there's
a "darty" in there!
189
00:07:35,210 --> 00:07:39,350
- Darty being day party.
- Sad.
190
00:07:39,351 --> 00:07:40,620
There's this weird guy
trying to get in
191
00:07:40,621 --> 00:07:42,558
- who wasn't invited?
- Ew.
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00:07:42,559 --> 00:07:45,463
Conway, can you please
tell 'em you know me?
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00:07:45,464 --> 00:07:48,168
- She's not letting me in.
- Do you know him?
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00:07:48,169 --> 00:07:50,206
Oh, yeah, you know,
I'm gonna handle that.
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00:07:50,207 --> 00:07:51,909
- Yeah.
- I got it.
196
00:07:51,910 --> 00:07:53,412
She's not letting me in
even though it's clear
197
00:07:53,413 --> 00:07:54,548
I have immaculate vibes.
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00:07:54,549 --> 00:07:56,250
He's good.
199
00:07:56,251 --> 00:07:58,321
See? I told you.
200
00:07:58,322 --> 00:08:00,125
Papadakis,
what are you doing here?
201
00:08:00,126 --> 00:08:02,665
My friends are very
particular and if they think
202
00:08:02,666 --> 00:08:04,735
somebody doesn't meet
their standards,
203
00:08:04,736 --> 00:08:06,538
they can be very harsh.
204
00:08:06,539 --> 00:08:08,710
Uh, Conway, this is me
we're talkin' about.
205
00:08:08,711 --> 00:08:11,849
People can't get
enough of me, okay?
206
00:08:11,850 --> 00:08:14,019
Well, for one, I was prom king.
207
00:08:14,020 --> 00:08:15,524
Largely due to the fact
I invented
208
00:08:15,525 --> 00:08:16,859
a very-easy-to-learn dance
209
00:08:16,860 --> 00:08:18,428
that took the night by storm.
210
00:08:18,429 --> 00:08:21,234
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No invented dances.
211
00:08:21,235 --> 00:08:24,374
Just small talk.
212
00:08:24,375 --> 00:08:29,250
Uh... who wants to talk about
animal cloning? A lot of pros.
213
00:08:29,251 --> 00:08:33,391
zero cons, it's a little thing
I made on my phone.
214
00:08:33,392 --> 00:08:36,899
Slothadillo. That's cutie, right?
215
00:08:36,900 --> 00:08:38,603
Smaller talk.
216
00:08:38,604 --> 00:08:39,906
[instrumental music]
217
00:08:41,676 --> 00:08:44,515
I checked the PX, nothing left
but a few guinea fowl.
218
00:08:44,516 --> 00:08:46,251
[door sliding close]
219
00:08:47,755 --> 00:08:49,759
You know, for what
it's worth, uh,
220
00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:52,463
I also know what it's like to
have a dad who never listens.
221
00:08:52,464 --> 00:08:54,801
I thought you and your dad had,
like, a great relationship.
222
00:08:54,802 --> 00:08:57,140
Yeah, we do. I was just trying
to make you feel better.
223
00:08:58,075 --> 00:08:59,612
Yes. Thank you.
224
00:08:59,613 --> 00:09:01,081
- [rustling]
- Yeah.
225
00:09:02,519 --> 00:09:04,755
- I'm really sorry.
- Yeah, it's okay.
226
00:09:04,756 --> 00:09:07,426
I mean, he has ruined
most holidays my whole life.
227
00:09:07,427 --> 00:09:09,598
So why would this one
be any different?
228
00:09:09,599 --> 00:09:11,368
You got to admit that's
a pretty impressive streak.
229
00:09:11,369 --> 00:09:13,272
Yeah, well,
he can't help himself.
230
00:09:13,273 --> 00:09:14,742
Everything that he does,
231
00:09:14,743 --> 00:09:16,879
he does without considering
the consequences
232
00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:18,983
or how it affects other
people's feelings and...
233
00:09:18,984 --> 00:09:20,620
- [door sliding]
- You know...
234
00:09:20,621 --> 00:09:22,223
Guess who stole your turkeys?
235
00:09:23,794 --> 00:09:25,964
Wait, like s-stole-stole?
236
00:09:25,965 --> 00:09:28,302
Yeah, Davidson's
gonna lose his mind.
237
00:09:28,303 --> 00:09:30,239
[instrumental music]
238
00:09:33,112 --> 00:09:34,881
[military music]
239
00:09:34,882 --> 00:09:38,055
Pretty great, huh? Who's
the disappointing dad now?
240
00:09:38,056 --> 00:09:39,792
- You.
- What are you talking about?
241
00:09:39,793 --> 00:09:41,628
I stole your turkeys.
Hey, start loading them.
242
00:09:41,629 --> 00:09:43,331
- We gotta move here.
- You didn't do this for me.
243
00:09:43,332 --> 00:09:44,935
This is all about
your stupid schoolyard rivalry
244
00:09:44,936 --> 00:09:46,304
- with Davidson.
- Honey, I could've done
245
00:09:46,305 --> 00:09:48,341
so many different things
to get back at Davidson.
246
00:09:48,342 --> 00:09:49,945
I chose the one that helped you.
247
00:09:49,946 --> 00:09:53,384
I was just begging
Davidson for turkeys,
248
00:09:53,385 --> 00:09:54,655
and now the turkeys are missing.
249
00:09:54,656 --> 00:09:56,725
So he is going to
think that I did it.
250
00:09:56,726 --> 00:09:59,097
Major, can you please take
the turkeys out of the van?
251
00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:00,700
[Patrick] He doesn't
even know they're missing yet.
252
00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:02,537
It's the perfect crime.
Will you put them back
253
00:10:02,538 --> 00:10:03,873
into the van, please?
254
00:10:03,874 --> 00:10:06,646
Crimes get people like me
255
00:10:06,647 --> 00:10:09,350
kicked out of things
like the army.
256
00:10:09,351 --> 00:10:12,657
Major, please take
the turkeys out of the van.
257
00:10:12,658 --> 00:10:14,962
Okay, just so you know that,
these are very cold
258
00:10:14,963 --> 00:10:16,164
and I didn't bring gloves.
259
00:10:16,165 --> 00:10:18,068
Can we all just
put the turkeys back
260
00:10:18,069 --> 00:10:19,838
before anybody notices
they're gone?
261
00:10:19,839 --> 00:10:21,842
That's way riskier
than what I just did.
262
00:10:21,843 --> 00:10:24,715
Fine. I'll do it myself.
263
00:10:24,716 --> 00:10:26,451
Stop. Stop.
I'll do it. I'll do it.
264
00:10:26,452 --> 00:10:28,221
I'm in charge. Ugh!
265
00:10:28,222 --> 00:10:31,361
[chuckles] You know, I just
love your shirts.
266
00:10:31,362 --> 00:10:33,331
It's such a fun choice.
267
00:10:33,332 --> 00:10:36,673
Mmm, it looks like something
my dad would wear on vacation.
268
00:10:36,674 --> 00:10:38,341
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
269
00:10:38,342 --> 00:10:40,445
Dads are the best.
270
00:10:40,446 --> 00:10:42,316
Although I've never met mine.
271
00:10:42,317 --> 00:10:46,959
Oh, what a cool thing to
bring up at a party.
272
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:49,765
See? Conway,
your friends love me.
273
00:10:49,766 --> 00:10:52,537
And my Je ne sais quois.
274
00:10:52,538 --> 00:10:53,706
- [laughing]
- Right.
275
00:10:53,707 --> 00:10:55,142
That's French for "swag."
276
00:10:55,143 --> 00:10:58,248
Papadakis, they're
making fun of you.
277
00:10:58,249 --> 00:11:01,188
Oh. If you guys want to do
shade, I can do shade.
278
00:11:01,189 --> 00:11:02,724
No, no, no.
We don't have to do that.
279
00:11:02,725 --> 00:11:04,127
No, I can do a shade.
Hey, Haley.
280
00:11:04,128 --> 00:11:05,764
I might look like
your dad on vacation.
281
00:11:05,765 --> 00:11:07,099
But unlike him, I'm not
282
00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:08,836
staring out at
the ocean wondering
283
00:11:08,837 --> 00:11:12,611
why I spend all my money
on my daughter's C+ nose job.
284
00:11:12,612 --> 00:11:14,446
[laughter]
285
00:11:14,447 --> 00:11:16,084
- Girl!
- That's actually hilarious.
286
00:11:16,085 --> 00:11:17,821
Not as hilarious as thinking
you're pulling off
287
00:11:17,822 --> 00:11:20,893
that chunky belt. You look like
an Olympic weight lifter.
288
00:11:20,894 --> 00:11:22,530
We're out of here.
289
00:11:22,531 --> 00:11:25,402
- That's mean.
- Okay. Wow.
290
00:11:25,403 --> 00:11:27,775
I didn't know you could
sling it like that. [laughs]
291
00:11:27,776 --> 00:11:29,745
Yeah. It's because
being mean is easy.
292
00:11:29,746 --> 00:11:31,114
I just didn't realize
they're being mean
293
00:11:31,115 --> 00:11:33,452
because I didn't think
you'd be friends
294
00:11:33,453 --> 00:11:35,255
with, like, mean girls,
295
00:11:35,256 --> 00:11:37,359
Mmm. No.
296
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:41,902
Unless... you're a mean girl.
297
00:11:41,903 --> 00:11:46,979
- Oh, no. Papadakas, you know me.
- Do I?
298
00:11:46,980 --> 00:11:49,518
Last week when you
complimented my shirts
299
00:11:49,519 --> 00:11:51,889
looking at my crop tops
and my belly sticking out,
300
00:11:51,890 --> 00:11:54,795
- were you making fun of me?
- No. I genuinely meant that.
301
00:11:54,796 --> 00:11:56,532
Your man-FUPA is powerful.
302
00:11:56,533 --> 00:11:59,739
I don't know what to believe
anymore. I need some air.
303
00:12:00,841 --> 00:12:03,345
[military music]
304
00:12:03,346 --> 00:12:04,881
[Davidson] How bad is it?
305
00:12:04,882 --> 00:12:07,186
Mmm... Quinn.
306
00:12:07,187 --> 00:12:09,925
Lock down the base.
Find those turkeys.
307
00:12:09,926 --> 00:12:11,194
Couldn't we just
celebrate by cooking
308
00:12:11,195 --> 00:12:12,664
and throwing away
some Cornish game hens?
309
00:12:12,665 --> 00:12:14,267
No!
310
00:12:14,268 --> 00:12:16,370
It's not the same. Ah!
311
00:12:16,371 --> 00:12:18,175
[tense music]
312
00:12:22,685 --> 00:12:23,986
Okay. Clear.
313
00:12:23,987 --> 00:12:25,657
Jeez, can they walk any slower?
314
00:12:25,658 --> 00:12:27,994
Now, listen.
This base is on high alert.
315
00:12:27,995 --> 00:12:30,299
Obviously, which is just
gonna make it more fun.
316
00:12:30,300 --> 00:12:32,804
We are gonna get into
the kitchens from the DFAC.
317
00:12:32,805 --> 00:12:34,240
We've gotta cut the lights,
disable the cameras,
318
00:12:34,241 --> 00:12:35,977
put the turkeys
back into the refrigerator
319
00:12:35,978 --> 00:12:37,145
and bing-bang boom!
320
00:12:37,146 --> 00:12:38,448
It's like nothing ever happened.
321
00:12:38,449 --> 00:12:39,885
Trauma lasts a lifetime.
322
00:12:39,886 --> 00:12:41,487
- That's true.
- [Papadakis] Got your text.
323
00:12:41,488 --> 00:12:42,690
- Why are we hiding?
- Shh.
324
00:12:42,691 --> 00:12:44,460
[mouthing] Sorry.
325
00:12:44,461 --> 00:12:48,034
We're doing a reverse
exfiltration of the turkeys.
326
00:12:48,035 --> 00:12:50,372
I don't know what
that means, but I'm in.
327
00:12:50,373 --> 00:12:52,309
Wait, where's Conway?
She knows Baumholder
328
00:12:52,310 --> 00:12:54,013
better than any of us.
We need her.
329
00:12:54,014 --> 00:12:56,251
She chose her mean girlfriends,
any compliments
330
00:12:56,252 --> 00:12:58,589
she ever gave you about
your outfits was a lie.
331
00:12:58,590 --> 00:12:59,891
We are better off without her.
332
00:12:59,892 --> 00:13:01,127
Uh! Here we go.
333
00:13:01,128 --> 00:13:02,864
- The--
- Brought this beauty with me.
334
00:13:02,865 --> 00:13:06,370
- You brought a "go" bag?
- This is not a "go" bag.
335
00:13:06,371 --> 00:13:08,475
Those are for cowards who
run away from the danger.
336
00:13:08,476 --> 00:13:11,782
This is a "go-in" bag for guys
like me who run at the danger.
337
00:13:11,783 --> 00:13:15,689
- Okay?
- Hm. Oh!
338
00:13:15,690 --> 00:13:17,961
- There we go, baby.
- Whoa. Whoa.
339
00:13:17,962 --> 00:13:19,965
- No weapons.
- That's my lucky knife.
340
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:22,402
It's been with me at every
mission for the last 25 years.
341
00:13:22,403 --> 00:13:25,576
You know what? Grab your butter
balls and let's go. Come on.
342
00:13:25,577 --> 00:13:26,979
[tense music]
343
00:13:32,423 --> 00:13:34,561
Excuse me, girl. What does
that hand signal mean?
344
00:13:34,562 --> 00:13:37,100
I'm not sure I've ever known
what any hand signal means.
345
00:13:41,810 --> 00:13:44,247
[switches clicking]
346
00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:46,451
God's sake!
347
00:13:58,275 --> 00:14:00,245
[Papadakis] This is almost as
real as "Call of Duty."
348
00:14:00,246 --> 00:14:02,482
[Abraham] Okay, for
the last time "Call of Duty"
349
00:14:02,483 --> 00:14:05,656
is based on the army.
Not the other way around.
350
00:14:05,657 --> 00:14:08,630
[music continues]
351
00:14:10,968 --> 00:14:13,606
Turkey fridge
at our one o'clock.
352
00:14:13,607 --> 00:14:15,109
That you understand?
353
00:14:18,917 --> 00:14:21,220
[Davidson] I know that
Irish SOB is here somewhere!
354
00:14:21,221 --> 00:14:24,661
[Patrick] Don't! Fall back.
Fall back. Quick, quick.
355
00:14:24,662 --> 00:14:26,297
- Oh!
- [gasps] Oh, my God!
356
00:14:26,298 --> 00:14:28,000
Come with me
if you want to live.
357
00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:30,372
Sorry, margs make me dramatic.
358
00:14:30,373 --> 00:14:32,677
Margs?
359
00:14:32,678 --> 00:14:33,979
[dramatic music]
360
00:14:33,980 --> 00:14:35,048
Let's go, let's go, let's go,
361
00:14:35,049 --> 00:14:36,451
come on, come on.
362
00:14:36,452 --> 00:14:38,155
[panting]
363
00:14:38,156 --> 00:14:40,994
There's a hidden door
behind here somewhere.
364
00:14:40,995 --> 00:14:43,098
I just have to
push the right spot.
365
00:14:43,099 --> 00:14:44,601
- Ah!
- Whoa, dad, dad.
366
00:14:44,602 --> 00:14:46,338
I think this is
367
00:14:46,339 --> 00:14:48,709
what you're lookin' for.
See? Lucky knife.
368
00:14:48,710 --> 00:14:50,378
- Oh, secret passage?
- Yeah.
369
00:14:50,379 --> 00:14:53,184
[Papadakis] This is like
"Call of Duty Vietnam."
370
00:14:53,185 --> 00:14:55,122
- [banging]
- Let's go. We gotta move.
371
00:14:55,123 --> 00:14:56,290
Yeah, we gotta get going.
Let's go. Let's go.
372
00:14:56,291 --> 00:14:57,693
I know you're in there, Quinn.
373
00:14:57,694 --> 00:14:59,063
Come out,
and face me like a man.
374
00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:00,799
- Oh, yeah.
- Come on, dad, hurry. Hurry.
375
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:01,935
- Come on.
- Hey. No, listen to me.
376
00:15:01,936 --> 00:15:03,673
You were right. I was just
getting revenge on Davidson.
377
00:15:03,674 --> 00:15:06,010
I don't want it to blow back
on you. So, ditch the birds,
378
00:15:06,011 --> 00:15:08,314
go back to Stroopsdorf,
and I'll buy you some time.
379
00:15:08,315 --> 00:15:10,252
No, dad, wait.
380
00:15:10,253 --> 00:15:11,354
[thuds]
381
00:15:12,356 --> 00:15:14,259
Hello, Colonel.
382
00:15:14,260 --> 00:15:16,363
- Gobble gobble.
- [chuckles]
383
00:15:16,364 --> 00:15:17,968
[dramatic music]
384
00:15:20,774 --> 00:15:22,877
So, I'm gonna ask
you one more time.
385
00:15:22,878 --> 00:15:27,052
Where are those turkeys?
386
00:15:27,053 --> 00:15:29,356
Name, Patrick Quinn. Rank...
387
00:15:29,357 --> 00:15:32,262
Look, don't try
that RTI BS with me.
388
00:15:32,263 --> 00:15:35,168
I took interrogation
resistance training also.
389
00:15:35,169 --> 00:15:37,941
- So...
- Name, Patrick Quinn.
390
00:15:37,942 --> 00:15:39,578
Rec, Quinn, Colonel.
391
00:15:39,579 --> 00:15:43,184
Be serious and tell me
where the turkeys are!
392
00:15:43,185 --> 00:15:45,322
Okay.
393
00:15:45,323 --> 00:15:49,263
Serial number
seven... seven... three...
394
00:15:49,264 --> 00:15:51,000
Now, I know you're
not in this alone.
395
00:15:51,001 --> 00:15:53,706
I know you don't care
about turkeys,
396
00:15:53,707 --> 00:15:55,175
but your daughter does.
397
00:15:55,176 --> 00:15:57,079
And if I find out,
398
00:15:57,080 --> 00:16:00,352
and I will, that
she's involved in this,
399
00:16:00,353 --> 00:16:03,358
I will see to it that she is
400
00:16:03,359 --> 00:16:07,668
- dishonorably discharged.
- Okay.
401
00:16:07,669 --> 00:16:10,506
General, I'll talk.
402
00:16:10,507 --> 00:16:11,609
♪ Six
403
00:16:12,744 --> 00:16:16,183
♪ Five, zero
404
00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:20,526
[sighs] I can't believe that my
dad stood up for me like that.
405
00:16:20,527 --> 00:16:24,133
I mean, the only time he's done
anything even close to that
406
00:16:24,134 --> 00:16:26,337
is when he fired
my mean piano teacher,
407
00:16:26,338 --> 00:16:27,874
'cause she
refused to teach me
408
00:16:27,875 --> 00:16:29,443
Scenes From
an Italian Restaurant.
409
00:16:29,444 --> 00:16:31,281
Look, I think it's pretty
clear that being a dad
410
00:16:31,282 --> 00:16:32,951
doesn't come naturally
to the colonel.
411
00:16:32,952 --> 00:16:34,621
Commanding officer
is more his wheelhouse.
412
00:16:34,622 --> 00:16:36,625
You know, a lot of my holidays
were spent with him
413
00:16:36,626 --> 00:16:41,602
on missions like this.
Well, not exactly like this.
414
00:16:41,603 --> 00:16:43,405
Birds were not frozen.
415
00:16:43,406 --> 00:16:45,342
The birds were
Black Hawk helicopters.
416
00:16:45,343 --> 00:16:46,645
There's a little bit
more high stakes.
417
00:16:46,646 --> 00:16:48,281
Actually, significantly
more high stakes.
418
00:16:48,282 --> 00:16:50,620
- Sure.
- Missions are his love language.
419
00:16:50,621 --> 00:16:53,225
Hello, this place
is crawling with MPs,
420
00:16:53,226 --> 00:16:55,829
- we gotta get to the van.
- Wait, wait, wait.
421
00:16:55,830 --> 00:16:57,366
I have an idea.
422
00:16:57,367 --> 00:16:59,236
Damn it.
I thought I could break you.
423
00:16:59,237 --> 00:17:02,375
No, nothing can break me,
except Field of Dreams.
424
00:17:02,376 --> 00:17:04,046
- Oh.
- Maybe Brian's Song.
425
00:17:04,047 --> 00:17:06,050
Look, look, just, just confess
426
00:17:06,051 --> 00:17:07,319
and get it over with.
427
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:09,256
Sir, I have located
Captain Quinn.
428
00:17:09,257 --> 00:17:11,595
Maggie, what are you doing here?
You're supposed to be--
429
00:17:11,596 --> 00:17:14,466
Well, I-I think I know
where the turkeys are.
430
00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:16,070
Well, she can't know
where the turkeys are
431
00:17:16,071 --> 00:17:17,206
because I was the one.
432
00:17:17,207 --> 00:17:18,609
Well, wouldn't the turkeys
433
00:17:18,610 --> 00:17:20,011
be in the fridge?
434
00:17:20,012 --> 00:17:21,949
What, you think
I didn't check the fridge?
435
00:17:21,950 --> 00:17:24,087
Well, have you
checked it recently?
436
00:17:24,756 --> 00:17:26,726
Sir?
437
00:17:26,727 --> 00:17:28,829
[instrumental music]
438
00:17:28,830 --> 00:17:31,802
- [Davidson] How...
- [Maggie] Oh, it's okay, sir.
439
00:17:31,803 --> 00:17:35,141
You know, I forget where
I put my keys all the time.
440
00:17:35,142 --> 00:17:37,312
[chuckles]
But if this gets worse,
441
00:17:37,313 --> 00:17:39,016
you should probably
talk to someone.
442
00:17:39,017 --> 00:17:43,491
So, if they're all accounted
for, we'll just be on our way.
443
00:17:43,492 --> 00:17:48,235
Happy, uh, semi-Colonel
Quinn-centennial, sir.
444
00:17:48,236 --> 00:17:49,838
[instrumental music]
445
00:17:51,843 --> 00:17:54,547
So, that was a pretty slick move
you pulled in there,
446
00:17:54,548 --> 00:17:57,119
but didn't I tell you
to get the hell out?
447
00:17:57,120 --> 00:17:59,456
Yes, but I had to thank you
448
00:17:59,457 --> 00:18:02,530
in a language that
you would understand.
449
00:18:02,531 --> 00:18:04,801
Because I didn't
get it before, okay?
450
00:18:04,802 --> 00:18:06,104
But-but now I do.
451
00:18:06,105 --> 00:18:08,709
You were more at home
on a mission
452
00:18:08,710 --> 00:18:11,915
than you ever were at
our dining room table.
453
00:18:11,916 --> 00:18:14,453
- Yeah.
- But now we're serving together,
454
00:18:14,454 --> 00:18:18,929
so that home
finally includes me.
455
00:18:18,930 --> 00:18:21,033
[pensive music]
456
00:18:21,034 --> 00:18:23,773
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.
457
00:18:25,510 --> 00:18:26,846
[sighs]
458
00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:30,954
Now, you could say
something sweet.
459
00:18:30,955 --> 00:18:32,289
[chuckles]
460
00:18:34,060 --> 00:18:37,934
Yeah, um...
461
00:18:37,935 --> 00:18:39,570
- The guys are here.
- [Abraham] Hey!
462
00:18:39,571 --> 00:18:41,173
Quick PX run, we
thought the troops
463
00:18:41,174 --> 00:18:42,577
could use a real taste of home.
464
00:18:42,578 --> 00:18:45,148
Well, not real,
mostly chemical, but still.
465
00:18:45,149 --> 00:18:47,754
- Well, that is actually perfect.
- [Patrick] Okay.
466
00:18:48,990 --> 00:18:50,358
- Here we go!
- Papadakis.
467
00:18:50,359 --> 00:18:52,262
- What?
- I need some space.
468
00:18:52,263 --> 00:18:53,899
I don't want to hear an apology.
469
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,201
I've got something
special for you.
470
00:18:55,202 --> 00:18:57,105
Oh, my God! Are you serious?
471
00:18:57,106 --> 00:18:58,609
- Mountain Dew syrup?
- Yeah.
472
00:18:58,610 --> 00:19:00,245
We can make like
Fountain Dew with this.
473
00:19:00,246 --> 00:19:01,682
Okay, but don't
drink it straight.
474
00:19:01,683 --> 00:19:04,120
That's what truckers do,
you will be up for 48 hours.
475
00:19:04,121 --> 00:19:06,992
Yeah, I wouldn't do
that for sure.
476
00:19:06,993 --> 00:19:09,029
When I first got to Stroopsdorf,
477
00:19:09,030 --> 00:19:10,966
I felt like I was stranded on
an island
478
00:19:10,967 --> 00:19:13,204
of losers, goofballs and nerds,
479
00:19:13,205 --> 00:19:14,774
but now I'm starting to
realize I might be
480
00:19:14,775 --> 00:19:17,279
more of a loser, goofball,
nerd than I'm, like...
481
00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:19,951
comfortable admitting, so...
482
00:19:19,952 --> 00:19:21,889
Welcome to the island life.
483
00:19:24,093 --> 00:19:26,732
Isn't that right,
Mountain Dew, baby?
484
00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:29,003
I managed to sneak you
one turkey.
485
00:19:29,004 --> 00:19:31,942
- What?
- [cover rustling]
486
00:19:31,943 --> 00:19:33,946
Oh, wait, but how?
487
00:19:33,947 --> 00:19:35,884
We put them all back.
488
00:19:35,885 --> 00:19:38,120
[instrumental music]
489
00:19:38,121 --> 00:19:39,658
[cover rustling]
490
00:19:44,300 --> 00:19:46,404
[patriotic music]
491
00:19:48,442 --> 00:19:52,416
Tell me, what Mountain
did you say this Dew was from?
492
00:19:52,417 --> 00:19:54,588
- 7-Eleven, Jan. [laughs]
- Mmm.
493
00:19:54,589 --> 00:19:57,793
I mean, its bite just
builds up your texture.
494
00:19:57,794 --> 00:20:00,866
Why do American
toxins taste so good?
495
00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:02,435
'Cause we're the best.
496
00:20:02,436 --> 00:20:05,208
Now, a victory bite to celebrate
497
00:20:05,209 --> 00:20:07,747
our very first reverse exfil.
498
00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:08,916
Mm.
499
00:20:10,521 --> 00:20:12,155
Oh, yeah.
500
00:20:12,156 --> 00:20:15,195
- I forgot how a dry turkey is.
- Uh!
501
00:20:15,196 --> 00:20:17,432
Not if you, uh,
carpet bomb up with ketchup.
502
00:20:17,433 --> 00:20:19,604
There's plenty left, too. There
you go.
503
00:20:19,605 --> 00:20:20,606
- Yep.
- Mm.
504
00:20:20,607 --> 00:20:23,010
[Patrick] Yeah, there you go.
505
00:20:23,011 --> 00:20:25,214
That'll do the trick. Oh, yeah.
506
00:20:25,215 --> 00:20:27,018
- It's good as hell.
- I'm good, oh, yeah, no.
507
00:20:27,019 --> 00:20:29,023
- It's delicious.
- Yeah.
508
00:20:29,024 --> 00:20:30,458
Don't.
509
00:20:30,459 --> 00:20:32,663
- Do not.
- Oh, you did it.
510
00:20:32,664 --> 00:20:34,366
Yeah, he did it.
511
00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:35,903
No, don't chase
it with the goo.
512
00:20:35,904 --> 00:20:37,673
[overlapping chatter]
513
00:20:37,674 --> 00:20:41,213
Happy semi-Colonel
Quinn-centennial, everybody.
514
00:20:41,214 --> 00:20:42,449
[laughs]
515
00:20:42,450 --> 00:20:45,757
[music continues]
516
00:20:48,630 --> 00:20:50,533
[Papadakis] Who's ready
to learn the dance
517
00:20:50,534 --> 00:20:52,837
that took my prom by storm?
518
00:20:52,838 --> 00:20:54,574
Five, six, seven, eight.
519
00:20:54,575 --> 00:20:59,884
Everybody follow me
to the left. To the right.
520
00:20:59,885 --> 00:21:01,353
- Two steps back!
- Whoo!
521
00:21:01,354 --> 00:21:03,091
Papadakis slide.
522
00:21:03,092 --> 00:21:04,192
Now, clap your hands.
523
00:21:04,193 --> 00:21:05,495
Clap! Clap it!
524
00:21:05,496 --> 00:21:06,698
This is pretty tank
for Papadakis.
525
00:21:06,699 --> 00:21:08,936
Now get down low
and hump the ground.
526
00:21:08,937 --> 00:21:10,004
There you go. That's it.
527
00:21:10,005 --> 00:21:11,508
- Alright.
- Yeah.
528
00:21:11,509 --> 00:21:13,879
- Really get the ground pregnant.
- It's getting intense.
529
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:15,783
Definitely had that
Fountain Dew uncut.
530
00:21:15,784 --> 00:21:17,352
Okay, are you sure
this is the dance
531
00:21:17,353 --> 00:21:18,889
that made you prom king?
532
00:21:18,890 --> 00:21:20,258
Yeah, it was a COVID year.
533
00:21:20,259 --> 00:21:22,496
It was all over Zoom.
534
00:21:22,497 --> 00:21:24,166
Five, six, seven, eight!
535
00:21:24,167 --> 00:21:26,304
To the left! To the right!
536
00:21:27,006 --> 00:21:28,407
Two steps back!
537
00:21:28,408 --> 00:21:29,778
Papadakis slide!
538
00:21:29,779 --> 00:21:33,317
Clap your hands.
Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!
539
00:21:33,318 --> 00:21:35,623
Now get down low and hump
the ground like crazy.
540
00:21:35,624 --> 00:21:37,794
[children] It's going so well.