1 00:00:05,344 --> 00:00:06,946 So let me get this straight, 2 00:00:06,947 --> 00:00:09,986 your country is only 250 years old. 3 00:00:09,987 --> 00:00:11,523 You know, that's adorable. 4 00:00:11,524 --> 00:00:13,459 We have discotheques that are older than that. 5 00:00:13,460 --> 00:00:15,063 Yeah, I'm really jealous of your country, 6 00:00:15,064 --> 00:00:17,501 its long history of total irrelevance. 7 00:00:17,502 --> 00:00:20,072 This little baby country feeling fussy 8 00:00:20,073 --> 00:00:22,344 because all I hear is "goo-goo, gee-gee," 9 00:00:22,345 --> 00:00:24,014 and that's what little babies say. 10 00:00:24,015 --> 00:00:25,283 Get away from me. 11 00:00:25,284 --> 00:00:27,320 - Goo-goo, gee-gee. - Grr. 12 00:00:27,321 --> 00:00:30,259 Have you got semiquincentennial fever yet? 13 00:00:30,260 --> 00:00:33,065 Yes, and I wanted to tell you about my version of that, 14 00:00:33,066 --> 00:00:36,405 which I'm calling semi-Colonel-Quinn-centennial. 15 00:00:36,406 --> 00:00:38,677 Now it celebrates the country, my service to it, 16 00:00:38,678 --> 00:00:41,481 and of course you, by virtue of being in my shadow. 17 00:00:41,482 --> 00:00:43,820 I thought we'd print up some T-shirts for the soldiers. 18 00:00:43,821 --> 00:00:45,557 - Oh, cool! No. - Yeah. Why? 19 00:00:45,558 --> 00:00:48,329 We're just gonna celebrate the holiday that honors the country 20 00:00:48,330 --> 00:00:49,899 that all of the soldiers are missing. 21 00:00:49,900 --> 00:00:52,336 - I know. - And that is why I am gonna go 22 00:00:52,337 --> 00:00:53,673 all out with a big turkey dinner. 23 00:00:53,674 --> 00:00:56,044 People hate turkey, especially soldiers, 24 00:00:56,045 --> 00:00:57,515 it's dry, and it makes you tired. 25 00:00:57,516 --> 00:00:59,251 Holiday turkey dinners in the DFAC 26 00:00:59,252 --> 00:01:00,854 are my fondest childhood memories. 27 00:01:00,855 --> 00:01:02,892 And all of these troops have missed a lot of holidays 28 00:01:02,893 --> 00:01:05,998 being here, and I just want to bring them that sense of home. 29 00:01:05,999 --> 00:01:09,137 Honey, it's part of the job to not be home for the holidays, 30 00:01:09,138 --> 00:01:10,574 I mean, I can't even remember how many holidays 31 00:01:10,575 --> 00:01:13,847 - I wasn't home for. - I do. All of them. 32 00:01:13,848 --> 00:01:15,416 And did you hear me complaining? No. 33 00:01:15,417 --> 00:01:18,556 Operation Zero Dark Turkey is a go. 34 00:01:18,557 --> 00:01:20,460 All right, we got to move fast if you want to get 35 00:01:20,461 --> 00:01:22,129 the Baumholder before the PX closes. 36 00:01:22,130 --> 00:01:23,566 You guys are going to Baumholder? 37 00:01:23,567 --> 00:01:25,235 Yeah, the PX is the only place I could find 38 00:01:25,236 --> 00:01:27,541 American Turkeys, you know, like the hormone-filled ones 39 00:01:27,542 --> 00:01:30,046 that look like they can host a manosphere podcast. 40 00:01:30,047 --> 00:01:31,816 They were supposed to be delivered today, 41 00:01:31,817 --> 00:01:33,018 and then there's like an issue, 42 00:01:33,019 --> 00:01:34,555 so we're just gonna go pick 'em up. 43 00:01:34,556 --> 00:01:37,962 I think it's obvious what the issue is, right? 44 00:01:37,963 --> 00:01:41,368 Guys, it's me, Davidson is upset with me 45 00:01:41,369 --> 00:01:43,973 because I humiliated him on the laser battlefield, 46 00:01:43,974 --> 00:01:45,811 so he's holding our turkeys hostage. 47 00:01:45,812 --> 00:01:48,182 That makes perfect sense. I had just momentarily forgot 48 00:01:48,183 --> 00:01:49,652 that everything revolves around you. 49 00:01:49,653 --> 00:01:51,523 - What? This does revo... - We're gonna get going. 50 00:01:51,524 --> 00:01:53,426 Hey, I'm going with you because you are walking 51 00:01:53,427 --> 00:01:55,396 - into a trap. Yes! - No. 52 00:01:55,397 --> 00:01:58,035 I put on deodorant. Let's go. 53 00:01:58,036 --> 00:02:00,406 I called it way back. 54 00:02:00,407 --> 00:02:01,776 - Look, you're not coming. - I am coming. 55 00:02:01,777 --> 00:02:03,178 - No, you're not coming. - I am definitely coming. 56 00:02:03,179 --> 00:02:04,314 You lose your mind on road trips. 57 00:02:04,315 --> 00:02:05,617 - No, I don't. - Do you remember taking 58 00:02:05,618 --> 00:02:07,153 - the minivan down to Disneyland? - Yeah. 59 00:02:07,154 --> 00:02:08,388 And then you yelled at me 60 00:02:08,389 --> 00:02:09,592 to stop singing "99 Bottles of Beer" 61 00:02:09,593 --> 00:02:11,395 because you said it was alcoholic shanty 62 00:02:11,396 --> 00:02:13,933 - about improper liquor storage. - Which it is. 63 00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:15,436 Let me tell you something, Missy. 64 00:02:15,437 --> 00:02:17,708 I have been in a Humvee that was exploded by an IED. 65 00:02:17,709 --> 00:02:20,212 I think I can handle a little trip to the market. 66 00:02:20,213 --> 00:02:22,852 ♪ 46 bottles of beer on a wall ♪ 67 00:02:22,853 --> 00:02:24,856 ♪ 46 bottles of beer 68 00:02:24,857 --> 00:02:26,559 ♪ Take one down, you pass it around ♪ 69 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:30,165 Where's a roadside ambush when you need one? 70 00:02:51,108 --> 00:02:52,611 Are we there yet? 71 00:02:52,612 --> 00:02:54,616 Say it one more time and I'm gonna order Conway 72 00:02:54,617 --> 00:02:57,319 to open the door and push you out, okay? 73 00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:59,491 And I'll do it. He did not put on enough deodorant. 74 00:02:59,492 --> 00:03:01,696 Well, you know, at least we're on our way to the PX. 75 00:03:01,697 --> 00:03:03,700 That store is a one-stop shop for all 76 00:03:03,701 --> 00:03:06,371 of the best chemical-filled American products, 77 00:03:06,372 --> 00:03:08,342 including deodorant that actually works. 78 00:03:08,343 --> 00:03:10,245 Also gonna stock up on the bad boy 79 00:03:10,246 --> 00:03:12,450 of the American soda, The Dew. 80 00:03:12,451 --> 00:03:15,858 You know, it's just such bullcrap that the same chemicals 81 00:03:15,859 --> 00:03:18,596 that make it taste awesome, make it illegal here. 82 00:03:18,597 --> 00:03:21,669 Do you think that's maybe a sign you shouldn't drink it? 83 00:03:21,670 --> 00:03:23,205 No, the sign I shouldn't drink it would be 84 00:03:23,206 --> 00:03:25,343 that it makes my blood feel like lightning. 85 00:03:25,344 --> 00:03:27,146 - Okay. - You're all making out 86 00:03:27,147 --> 00:03:30,419 the Baumholder to be this great place now because of the PX. 87 00:03:30,420 --> 00:03:32,256 But I'm just warning you, there's still the enemy. 88 00:03:32,257 --> 00:03:34,361 Nope, not the enemy, literally the same army. 89 00:03:34,362 --> 00:03:37,467 Honey, you're being so naive about this. I'm telling you. 90 00:03:37,468 --> 00:03:38,703 Davidson's up to something 91 00:03:38,704 --> 00:03:41,576 and you are just drinking his Kool-Aid. 92 00:03:41,577 --> 00:03:44,648 Which they also sell at the PX. 93 00:03:44,649 --> 00:03:47,955 So what are you getting from the PX? 94 00:03:47,956 --> 00:03:49,591 What? Oh, I'm not going to the PX. 95 00:03:49,592 --> 00:03:51,295 Baumholder was my original post. 96 00:03:51,296 --> 00:03:53,365 Some of my old friends are doing a party 97 00:03:53,366 --> 00:03:55,436 and few are my ride-or-dies. 98 00:03:55,437 --> 00:03:58,342 You have other friends? Are they anything like us? 99 00:03:58,343 --> 00:04:01,314 Is there like a-a Mamadakis? 100 00:04:01,315 --> 00:04:05,222 You know what? Don't tell me. I wanna be surprised. 101 00:04:05,223 --> 00:04:07,160 I'm in for the party. 102 00:04:07,161 --> 00:04:08,763 I would love you to come to the party 103 00:04:08,764 --> 00:04:10,634 and you know I want you to meet my friends. 104 00:04:10,635 --> 00:04:12,737 - Yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah. - Hell yeah. 105 00:04:12,738 --> 00:04:15,744 But it's invite-only. at a secret underground speakeasy. 106 00:04:15,745 --> 00:04:17,180 My hands are tied. 107 00:04:17,181 --> 00:04:18,416 Um... 108 00:04:19,519 --> 00:04:21,488 I've actually got texts too, Conway. 109 00:04:21,489 --> 00:04:24,160 Bet you I got a text right now. Oh, look at this. 110 00:04:24,161 --> 00:04:27,701 "Dear Comrade, a revolution is upon us in the bourgeois pigs." 111 00:04:27,702 --> 00:04:30,373 You know, you go to one Communist Party meeting. 112 00:04:41,997 --> 00:04:44,735 Colonel Quinn, we were alerted to your arrival. 113 00:04:44,736 --> 00:04:47,106 General Davidson requests your presence in his office 114 00:04:47,107 --> 00:04:48,843 along with the captain. 115 00:04:48,844 --> 00:04:50,914 Ah, well, just after we get our turkeys. 116 00:04:50,915 --> 00:04:52,651 - Immediately. - Hmm. 117 00:04:52,652 --> 00:04:54,287 What's that smell? 118 00:04:54,288 --> 00:04:57,227 Wait. Oh, yeah. It's a trap. 119 00:04:58,531 --> 00:05:00,800 So, Colonel, what brings you here? 120 00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,772 You know why we're here. He's just playing dumb. 121 00:05:02,773 --> 00:05:04,307 We are here to pick up our turkeys, sir. 122 00:05:04,308 --> 00:05:05,443 - Ah. - He knows that. 123 00:05:05,444 --> 00:05:07,146 We're also serving turkey 124 00:05:07,147 --> 00:05:09,217 for the semiquincentennial. 125 00:05:09,218 --> 00:05:11,388 Nothing says America like holiday turkey. 126 00:05:11,389 --> 00:05:14,126 - I couldn't agree more, sir. - It's a dry bird. 127 00:05:14,127 --> 00:05:15,931 Uh, we had ordered our turkeys 128 00:05:15,932 --> 00:05:17,934 from your PX for delivery, but then someone explained 129 00:05:17,935 --> 00:05:19,605 that there was an issue with the ordering system, sir. 130 00:05:19,606 --> 00:05:22,243 Yeah, the computers all over the base are down. 131 00:05:22,244 --> 00:05:23,580 - Ah. - That's so horrible, sir. 132 00:05:23,581 --> 00:05:24,948 Do you know what I think happened? 133 00:05:24,949 --> 00:05:27,486 I think you canceled the orders on purpose 134 00:05:27,487 --> 00:05:29,625 because you are still so upset 135 00:05:29,626 --> 00:05:32,163 that I humiliated you so beautifully 136 00:05:32,164 --> 00:05:34,134 on the laser battlefield. 137 00:05:34,135 --> 00:05:36,438 I will say all of this turkey talk 138 00:05:36,439 --> 00:05:38,042 has given me a genius idea. 139 00:05:38,043 --> 00:05:42,985 What if I roasted 250 turkeys for America's 250th 140 00:05:42,986 --> 00:05:45,489 and in order to do that, I would have to requisition 141 00:05:45,490 --> 00:05:49,064 all the remaining turkeys in the PX. 142 00:05:49,065 --> 00:05:53,038 Well, respectfully, general, those are our turkeys 143 00:05:53,039 --> 00:05:56,244 and you couldn't possibly need that many, right? 144 00:05:56,245 --> 00:05:57,848 You'd end up throwing half of them out. 145 00:05:57,849 --> 00:06:00,219 What's more American than gluttony and waste. 146 00:06:00,220 --> 00:06:01,354 You know what, sir? 147 00:06:01,355 --> 00:06:03,425 You can take all 250 turkeys 148 00:06:03,426 --> 00:06:05,429 and put them in a rocket ship 149 00:06:05,430 --> 00:06:08,035 and fire them into space. 150 00:06:08,036 --> 00:06:10,272 - I don't care. - I care about the turkeys. 151 00:06:10,273 --> 00:06:12,944 - They make it feel like home. - You're missing the point. 152 00:06:12,945 --> 00:06:14,815 He thought he had me, and now he doesn't have me 153 00:06:14,816 --> 00:06:17,387 and don't buy into the home BS. That's what he wants. 154 00:06:17,388 --> 00:06:19,390 He's playing a psy-op mind game here, okay? 155 00:06:19,391 --> 00:06:20,861 If you buy into the home BS, he went-- 156 00:06:20,862 --> 00:06:23,767 Home is not BS, okay? An-and this was not a trap. 157 00:06:23,768 --> 00:06:25,469 It became a trap because of your ego 158 00:06:25,470 --> 00:06:27,207 and that's... I'm so sorry, sir. 159 00:06:27,208 --> 00:06:28,910 Please, captain, continue. 160 00:06:28,911 --> 00:06:31,548 I would love to hear exactly what you think 161 00:06:31,549 --> 00:06:34,120 about Colonel Quinn as a parent. 162 00:06:34,121 --> 00:06:35,355 You don't have to do that. 163 00:06:35,356 --> 00:06:37,092 - That's an order. - Mm-hmm. 164 00:06:37,093 --> 00:06:43,004 Well, you can't comprehend the feeling of home 165 00:06:43,005 --> 00:06:45,075 because it is something you have run away from 166 00:06:45,076 --> 00:06:46,679 your entire adult life 167 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:48,583 and now that we are spending time together, 168 00:06:48,584 --> 00:06:50,788 you want a lot of credit for showing up as a dad, right? 169 00:06:50,789 --> 00:06:54,060 But when you do, you are terrible at it. 170 00:06:54,061 --> 00:06:55,697 Wow. 171 00:06:55,698 --> 00:06:59,071 That went better than I could have possibly imagined. 172 00:07:00,173 --> 00:07:01,943 - Popcorn? - Okay. 173 00:07:08,490 --> 00:07:09,759 Cucumber. 174 00:07:10,327 --> 00:07:12,029 Yeah. 175 00:07:13,499 --> 00:07:16,037 Dana! 176 00:07:19,044 --> 00:07:22,350 - It's been way too long. - No, I've missed us. 177 00:07:22,351 --> 00:07:25,122 Okay, girls, catch me up on all the tea. 178 00:07:25,123 --> 00:07:28,729 Jen, are you still dating "He who shall not be named?" 179 00:07:28,730 --> 00:07:30,800 No, no. Haley's with him now. 180 00:07:30,801 --> 00:07:33,071 Guilty. But I can totally change. 181 00:07:33,072 --> 00:07:35,209 I know there's a "darty" in there! 182 00:07:35,210 --> 00:07:39,350 - Darty being day party. - Sad. 183 00:07:39,351 --> 00:07:40,620 There's this weird guy trying to get in 184 00:07:40,621 --> 00:07:42,558 - who wasn't invited? - Ew. 185 00:07:42,559 --> 00:07:45,463 Conway, can you please tell 'em you know me? 186 00:07:45,464 --> 00:07:48,168 - She's not letting me in. - Do you know him? 187 00:07:48,169 --> 00:07:50,206 Oh, yeah, you know, I'm gonna handle that. 188 00:07:50,207 --> 00:07:51,909 - Yeah. - I got it. 189 00:07:51,910 --> 00:07:53,412 She's not letting me in even though it's clear 190 00:07:53,413 --> 00:07:54,548 I have immaculate vibes. 191 00:07:54,549 --> 00:07:56,250 He's good. 192 00:07:56,251 --> 00:07:58,321 See? I told you. 193 00:07:58,322 --> 00:08:00,125 Papadakis, what are you doing here? 194 00:08:00,126 --> 00:08:02,665 My friends are very particular and if they think 195 00:08:02,666 --> 00:08:04,735 somebody doesn't meet their standards, 196 00:08:04,736 --> 00:08:06,538 they can be very harsh. 197 00:08:06,539 --> 00:08:08,710 Uh, Conway, this is me we're talkin' about. 198 00:08:08,711 --> 00:08:11,849 People can't get enough of me, okay? 199 00:08:11,850 --> 00:08:14,019 Well, for one, I was prom king. 200 00:08:14,020 --> 00:08:15,524 Largely due to the fact I invented 201 00:08:15,525 --> 00:08:16,859 a very-easy-to-learn dance 202 00:08:16,860 --> 00:08:18,428 that took the night by storm. 203 00:08:18,429 --> 00:08:21,234 Oh, no, no, no, no. No invented dances. 204 00:08:21,235 --> 00:08:24,374 Just small talk. 205 00:08:24,375 --> 00:08:29,250 Uh... who wants to talk about animal cloning? A lot of pros. 206 00:08:29,251 --> 00:08:33,391 zero cons, it's a little thing I made on my phone. 207 00:08:33,392 --> 00:08:36,899 Slothadillo. That's cutie, right? 208 00:08:36,900 --> 00:08:38,603 Smaller talk. 209 00:08:41,676 --> 00:08:44,515 I checked the PX, nothing left but a few guinea fowl. 210 00:08:47,755 --> 00:08:49,759 You know, for what it's worth, uh, 211 00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:52,463 I also know what it's like to have a dad who never listens. 212 00:08:52,464 --> 00:08:54,801 I thought you and your dad had, like, a great relationship. 213 00:08:54,802 --> 00:08:57,140 Yeah, we do. I was just trying to make you feel better. 214 00:08:58,075 --> 00:08:59,612 Yes. Thank you. 215 00:08:59,613 --> 00:09:01,081 Yeah. 216 00:09:02,519 --> 00:09:04,755 - I'm really sorry. - Yeah, it's okay. 217 00:09:04,756 --> 00:09:07,426 I mean, he has ruined most holidays my whole life. 218 00:09:07,427 --> 00:09:09,598 So why would this one be any different? 219 00:09:09,599 --> 00:09:11,368 You got to admit that's a pretty impressive streak. 220 00:09:11,369 --> 00:09:13,272 Yeah, well, he can't help himself. 221 00:09:13,273 --> 00:09:14,742 Everything that he does, 222 00:09:14,743 --> 00:09:16,879 he does without considering the consequences 223 00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:18,983 or how it affects other people's feelings and... 224 00:09:18,984 --> 00:09:20,620 You know... 225 00:09:20,621 --> 00:09:22,223 Guess who stole your turkeys? 226 00:09:23,794 --> 00:09:25,964 Wait, like s-stole-stole? 227 00:09:25,965 --> 00:09:28,302 Yeah, Davidson's gonna lose his mind. 228 00:09:34,882 --> 00:09:38,055 Pretty great, huh? Who's the disappointing dad now? 229 00:09:38,056 --> 00:09:39,792 - You. - What are you talking about? 230 00:09:39,793 --> 00:09:41,628 I stole your turkeys. Hey, start loading them. 231 00:09:41,629 --> 00:09:43,331 - We gotta move here. - You didn't do this for me. 232 00:09:43,332 --> 00:09:44,935 This is all about your stupid schoolyard rivalry 233 00:09:44,936 --> 00:09:46,304 - with Davidson. - Honey, I could've done 234 00:09:46,305 --> 00:09:48,341 so many different things to get back at Davidson. 235 00:09:48,342 --> 00:09:49,945 I chose the one that helped you. 236 00:09:49,946 --> 00:09:53,384 I was just begging Davidson for turkeys, 237 00:09:53,385 --> 00:09:54,655 and now the turkeys are missing. 238 00:09:54,656 --> 00:09:56,725 So he is going to think that I did it. 239 00:09:56,726 --> 00:09:59,097 Major, can you please take the turkeys out of the van? 240 00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:00,700 He doesn't even know they're missing yet. 241 00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:02,537 It's the perfect crime. Will you put them back 242 00:10:02,538 --> 00:10:03,873 into the van, please? 243 00:10:03,874 --> 00:10:06,646 Crimes get people like me 244 00:10:06,647 --> 00:10:09,350 kicked out of things like the army. 245 00:10:09,351 --> 00:10:12,657 Major, please take the turkeys out of the van. 246 00:10:12,658 --> 00:10:14,962 Okay, just so you know that, these are very cold 247 00:10:14,963 --> 00:10:16,164 and I didn't bring gloves. 248 00:10:16,165 --> 00:10:18,068 Can we all just put the turkeys back 249 00:10:18,069 --> 00:10:19,838 before anybody notices they're gone? 250 00:10:19,839 --> 00:10:21,842 That's way riskier than what I just did. 251 00:10:21,843 --> 00:10:24,715 Fine. I'll do it myself. 252 00:10:24,716 --> 00:10:26,451 Stop. Stop. I'll do it. I'll do it. 253 00:10:26,452 --> 00:10:28,221 I'm in charge. Ugh! 254 00:10:28,222 --> 00:10:31,361 You know, I just love your shirts. 255 00:10:31,362 --> 00:10:33,331 It's such a fun choice. 256 00:10:33,332 --> 00:10:36,673 Mmm, it looks like something my dad would wear on vacation. 257 00:10:36,674 --> 00:10:38,341 - Yeah. - Thank you. 258 00:10:38,342 --> 00:10:40,445 Dads are the best. 259 00:10:40,446 --> 00:10:42,316 Although I've never met mine. 260 00:10:42,317 --> 00:10:46,959 Oh, what a cool thing to bring up at a party. 261 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:49,765 See? Conway, your friends love me. 262 00:10:49,766 --> 00:10:52,537 And my Je ne sais quois. 263 00:10:52,538 --> 00:10:53,706 Right. 264 00:10:53,707 --> 00:10:55,142 That's French for "swag." 265 00:10:55,143 --> 00:10:58,248 Papadakis, they're making fun of you. 266 00:10:58,249 --> 00:11:01,188 Oh. If you guys want to do shade, I can do shade. 267 00:11:01,189 --> 00:11:02,724 No, no, no. We don't have to do that. 268 00:11:02,725 --> 00:11:04,127 No, I can do a shade. Hey, Haley. 269 00:11:04,128 --> 00:11:05,764 I might look like your dad on vacation. 270 00:11:05,765 --> 00:11:07,099 But unlike him, I'm not 271 00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:08,836 staring out at the ocean wondering 272 00:11:08,837 --> 00:11:12,611 why I spend all my money on my daughter's C+ nose job. 273 00:11:14,447 --> 00:11:16,084 - Girl! - That's actually hilarious. 274 00:11:16,085 --> 00:11:17,821 Not as hilarious as thinking you're pulling off 275 00:11:17,822 --> 00:11:20,893 that chunky belt. You look like an Olympic weight lifter. 276 00:11:20,894 --> 00:11:22,530 We're out of here. 277 00:11:22,531 --> 00:11:25,402 - That's mean. - Okay. Wow. 278 00:11:25,403 --> 00:11:27,775 I didn't know you could sling it like that. 279 00:11:27,776 --> 00:11:29,745 Yeah. It's because being mean is easy. 280 00:11:29,746 --> 00:11:31,114 I just didn't realize they're being mean 281 00:11:31,115 --> 00:11:33,452 because I didn't think you'd be friends 282 00:11:33,453 --> 00:11:35,255 with, like, mean girls, 283 00:11:35,256 --> 00:11:37,359 Mmm. No. 284 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:41,902 Unless... you're a mean girl. 285 00:11:41,903 --> 00:11:46,979 - Oh, no. Papadakas, you know me. - Do I? 286 00:11:46,980 --> 00:11:49,518 Last week when you complimented my shirts 287 00:11:49,519 --> 00:11:51,889 looking at my crop tops and my belly sticking out, 288 00:11:51,890 --> 00:11:54,795 - were you making fun of me? - No. I genuinely meant that. 289 00:11:54,796 --> 00:11:56,532 Your man-FUPA is powerful. 290 00:11:56,533 --> 00:11:59,739 I don't know what to believe anymore. I need some air. 291 00:12:03,346 --> 00:12:04,881 How bad is it? 292 00:12:04,882 --> 00:12:07,186 Mmm... Quinn. 293 00:12:07,187 --> 00:12:09,925 Lock down the base. Find those turkeys. 294 00:12:09,926 --> 00:12:11,194 Couldn't we just celebrate by cooking 295 00:12:11,195 --> 00:12:12,664 and throwing away some Cornish game hens? 296 00:12:12,665 --> 00:12:14,267 No! 297 00:12:14,268 --> 00:12:16,370 It's not the same. Ah! 298 00:12:22,685 --> 00:12:23,986 Okay. Clear. 299 00:12:23,987 --> 00:12:25,657 Jeez, can they walk any slower? 300 00:12:25,658 --> 00:12:27,994 Now, listen. This base is on high alert. 301 00:12:27,995 --> 00:12:30,299 Obviously, which is just gonna make it more fun. 302 00:12:30,300 --> 00:12:32,804 We are gonna get into the kitchens from the DFAC. 303 00:12:32,805 --> 00:12:34,240 We've gotta cut the lights, disable the cameras, 304 00:12:34,241 --> 00:12:35,977 put the turkeys back into the refrigerator 305 00:12:35,978 --> 00:12:37,145 and bing-bang boom! 306 00:12:37,146 --> 00:12:38,448 It's like nothing ever happened. 307 00:12:38,449 --> 00:12:39,885 Trauma lasts a lifetime. 308 00:12:39,886 --> 00:12:41,487 - That's true. - Got your text. 309 00:12:41,488 --> 00:12:42,690 - Why are we hiding? - Shh. 310 00:12:42,691 --> 00:12:44,460 Sorry. 311 00:12:44,461 --> 00:12:48,034 We're doing a reverse exfiltration of the turkeys. 312 00:12:48,035 --> 00:12:50,372 I don't know what that means, but I'm in. 313 00:12:50,373 --> 00:12:52,309 Wait, where's Conway? She knows Baumholder 314 00:12:52,310 --> 00:12:54,013 better than any of us. We need her. 315 00:12:54,014 --> 00:12:56,251 She chose her mean girlfriends, any compliments 316 00:12:56,252 --> 00:12:58,589 she ever gave you about your outfits was a lie. 317 00:12:58,590 --> 00:12:59,891 We are better off without her. 318 00:12:59,892 --> 00:13:01,127 Uh! Here we go. 319 00:13:01,128 --> 00:13:02,864 - The-- - Brought this beauty with me. 320 00:13:02,865 --> 00:13:06,370 - You brought a "go" bag? - This is not a "go" bag. 321 00:13:06,371 --> 00:13:08,475 Those are for cowards who run away from the danger. 322 00:13:08,476 --> 00:13:11,782 This is a "go-in" bag for guys like me who run at the danger. 323 00:13:11,783 --> 00:13:15,689 - Okay? - Hm. Oh! 324 00:13:15,690 --> 00:13:17,961 - There we go, baby. - Whoa. Whoa. 325 00:13:17,962 --> 00:13:19,965 - No weapons. - That's my lucky knife. 326 00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:22,402 It's been with me at every mission for the last 25 years. 327 00:13:22,403 --> 00:13:25,576 You know what? Grab your butter balls and let's go. Come on. 328 00:13:32,423 --> 00:13:34,561 Excuse me, girl. What does that hand signal mean? 329 00:13:34,562 --> 00:13:37,100 I'm not sure I've ever known what any hand signal means. 330 00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:46,451 God's sake! 331 00:13:58,275 --> 00:14:00,245 This is almost as real as "Call of Duty." 332 00:14:00,246 --> 00:14:02,482 Okay, for the last time "Call of Duty" 333 00:14:02,483 --> 00:14:05,656 is based on the army. Not the other way around. 334 00:14:10,968 --> 00:14:13,606 Turkey fridge at our one o'clock. 335 00:14:13,607 --> 00:14:15,109 That you understand? 336 00:14:18,917 --> 00:14:21,220 I know that Irish SOB is here somewhere! 337 00:14:21,221 --> 00:14:24,661 Don't! Fall back. Fall back. Quick, quick. 338 00:14:24,662 --> 00:14:26,297 - Oh! - Oh, my God! 339 00:14:26,298 --> 00:14:28,000 Come with me if you want to live. 340 00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:30,372 Sorry, margs make me dramatic. 341 00:14:30,373 --> 00:14:32,677 Margs? 342 00:14:33,980 --> 00:14:35,048 Let's go, let's go, let's go, 343 00:14:35,049 --> 00:14:36,451 come on, come on. 344 00:14:38,156 --> 00:14:40,994 There's a hidden door behind here somewhere. 345 00:14:40,995 --> 00:14:43,098 I just have to push the right spot. 346 00:14:43,099 --> 00:14:44,601 - Ah! - Whoa, dad, dad. 347 00:14:44,602 --> 00:14:46,338 I think this is 348 00:14:46,339 --> 00:14:48,709 what you're lookin' for. See? Lucky knife. 349 00:14:48,710 --> 00:14:50,378 - Oh, secret passage? - Yeah. 350 00:14:50,379 --> 00:14:53,184 This is like "Call of Duty Vietnam." 351 00:14:53,185 --> 00:14:55,122 Let's go. We gotta move. 352 00:14:55,123 --> 00:14:56,290 Yeah, we gotta get going. Let's go. Let's go. 353 00:14:56,291 --> 00:14:57,693 I know you're in there, Quinn. 354 00:14:57,694 --> 00:14:59,063 Come out, and face me like a man. 355 00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:00,799 - Oh, yeah. - Come on, dad, hurry. Hurry. 356 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:01,935 - Come on. - Hey. No, listen to me. 357 00:15:01,936 --> 00:15:03,673 You were right. I was just getting revenge on Davidson. 358 00:15:03,674 --> 00:15:06,010 I don't want it to blow back on you. So, ditch the birds, 359 00:15:06,011 --> 00:15:08,314 go back to Stroopsdorf, and I'll buy you some time. 360 00:15:08,315 --> 00:15:10,252 No, dad, wait. 361 00:15:12,356 --> 00:15:14,259 Hello, Colonel. 362 00:15:14,260 --> 00:15:16,363 Gobble gobble. 363 00:15:20,774 --> 00:15:22,877 So, I'm gonna ask you one more time. 364 00:15:22,878 --> 00:15:27,052 Where are those turkeys? 365 00:15:27,053 --> 00:15:29,356 Name, Patrick Quinn. Rank... 366 00:15:29,357 --> 00:15:32,262 Look, don't try that RTI BS with me. 367 00:15:32,263 --> 00:15:35,168 I took interrogation resistance training also. 368 00:15:35,169 --> 00:15:37,941 - So... - Name, Patrick Quinn. 369 00:15:37,942 --> 00:15:39,578 Rec, Quinn, Colonel. 370 00:15:39,579 --> 00:15:43,184 Be serious and tell me where the turkeys are! 371 00:15:43,185 --> 00:15:45,322 Okay. 372 00:15:45,323 --> 00:15:49,263 Serial number seven... seven... three... 373 00:15:49,264 --> 00:15:51,000 Now, I know you're not in this alone. 374 00:15:51,001 --> 00:15:53,706 I know you don't care about turkeys, 375 00:15:53,707 --> 00:15:55,175 but your daughter does. 376 00:15:55,176 --> 00:15:57,079 And if I find out, 377 00:15:57,080 --> 00:16:00,352 and I will, that she's involved in this, 378 00:16:00,353 --> 00:16:03,358 I will see to it that she is 379 00:16:03,359 --> 00:16:07,668 - dishonorably discharged. - Okay. 380 00:16:07,669 --> 00:16:10,506 General, I'll talk. 381 00:16:10,507 --> 00:16:11,609 ♪ Six 382 00:16:12,744 --> 00:16:16,183 ♪ Five, zero 383 00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:20,526 I can't believe that my dad stood up for me like that. 384 00:16:20,527 --> 00:16:24,133 I mean, the only time he's done anything even close to that 385 00:16:24,134 --> 00:16:26,337 is when he fired my mean piano teacher, 386 00:16:26,338 --> 00:16:27,874 'cause she refused to teach me 387 00:16:27,875 --> 00:16:29,443 Scenes From an Italian Restaurant. 388 00:16:29,444 --> 00:16:31,281 Look, I think it's pretty clear that being a dad 389 00:16:31,282 --> 00:16:32,951 doesn't come naturally to the colonel. 390 00:16:32,952 --> 00:16:34,621 Commanding officer is more his wheelhouse. 391 00:16:34,622 --> 00:16:36,625 You know, a lot of my holidays were spent with him 392 00:16:36,626 --> 00:16:41,602 on missions like this. Well, not exactly like this. 393 00:16:41,603 --> 00:16:43,405 Birds were not frozen. 394 00:16:43,406 --> 00:16:45,342 The birds were Black Hawk helicopters. 395 00:16:45,343 --> 00:16:46,645 There's a little bit more high stakes. 396 00:16:46,646 --> 00:16:48,281 Actually, significantly more high stakes. 397 00:16:48,282 --> 00:16:50,620 - Sure. - Missions are his love language. 398 00:16:50,621 --> 00:16:53,225 Hello, this place is crawling with MPs, 399 00:16:53,226 --> 00:16:55,829 - we gotta get to the van. - Wait, wait, wait. 400 00:16:55,830 --> 00:16:57,366 I have an idea. 401 00:16:57,367 --> 00:16:59,236 Damn it. I thought I could break you. 402 00:16:59,237 --> 00:17:02,375 No, nothing can break me, except Field of Dreams. 403 00:17:02,376 --> 00:17:04,046 - Oh. - Maybe Brian's Song. 404 00:17:04,047 --> 00:17:06,050 Look, look, just, just confess 405 00:17:06,051 --> 00:17:07,319 and get it over with. 406 00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:09,256 Sir, I have located Captain Quinn. 407 00:17:09,257 --> 00:17:11,595 Maggie, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be-- 408 00:17:11,596 --> 00:17:14,466 Well, I-I think I know where the turkeys are. 409 00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:16,070 Well, she can't know where the turkeys are 410 00:17:16,071 --> 00:17:17,206 because I was the one. 411 00:17:17,207 --> 00:17:18,609 Well, wouldn't the turkeys 412 00:17:18,610 --> 00:17:20,011 be in the fridge? 413 00:17:20,012 --> 00:17:21,949 What, you think I didn't check the fridge? 414 00:17:21,950 --> 00:17:24,087 Well, have you checked it recently? 415 00:17:24,756 --> 00:17:26,726 Sir? 416 00:17:28,830 --> 00:17:31,802 - How... - Oh, it's okay, sir. 417 00:17:31,803 --> 00:17:35,141 You know, I forget where I put my keys all the time. 418 00:17:35,142 --> 00:17:37,312 But if this gets worse, 419 00:17:37,313 --> 00:17:39,016 you should probably talk to someone. 420 00:17:39,017 --> 00:17:43,491 So, if they're all accounted for, we'll just be on our way. 421 00:17:43,492 --> 00:17:48,235 Happy, uh, semi-Colonel Quinn-centennial, sir. 422 00:17:51,843 --> 00:17:54,547 So, that was a pretty slick move you pulled in there, 423 00:17:54,548 --> 00:17:57,119 but didn't I tell you to get the hell out? 424 00:17:57,120 --> 00:17:59,456 Yes, but I had to thank you 425 00:17:59,457 --> 00:18:02,530 in a language that you would understand. 426 00:18:02,531 --> 00:18:04,801 Because I didn't get it before, okay? 427 00:18:04,802 --> 00:18:06,104 But-but now I do. 428 00:18:06,105 --> 00:18:08,709 You were more at home on a mission 429 00:18:08,710 --> 00:18:11,915 than you ever were at our dining room table. 430 00:18:11,916 --> 00:18:14,453 - Yeah. - But now we're serving together, 431 00:18:14,454 --> 00:18:18,929 so that home finally includes me. 432 00:18:21,034 --> 00:18:23,773 - Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah. 433 00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:30,954 Now, you could say something sweet. 434 00:18:34,060 --> 00:18:37,934 Yeah, um... 435 00:18:37,935 --> 00:18:39,570 - The guys are here. - Hey! 436 00:18:39,571 --> 00:18:41,173 Quick PX run, we thought the troops 437 00:18:41,174 --> 00:18:42,577 could use a real taste of home. 438 00:18:42,578 --> 00:18:45,148 Well, not real, mostly chemical, but still. 439 00:18:45,149 --> 00:18:47,754 - Well, that is actually perfect. - Okay. 440 00:18:48,990 --> 00:18:50,358 - Here we go! - Papadakis. 441 00:18:50,359 --> 00:18:52,262 - What? - I need some space. 442 00:18:52,263 --> 00:18:53,899 I don't want to hear an apology. 443 00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,201 I've got something special for you. 444 00:18:55,202 --> 00:18:57,105 Oh, my God! Are you serious? 445 00:18:57,106 --> 00:18:58,609 - Mountain Dew syrup? - Yeah. 446 00:18:58,610 --> 00:19:00,245 We can make like Fountain Dew with this. 447 00:19:00,246 --> 00:19:01,682 Okay, but don't drink it straight. 448 00:19:01,683 --> 00:19:04,120 That's what truckers do, you will be up for 48 hours. 449 00:19:04,121 --> 00:19:06,992 Yeah, I wouldn't do that for sure. 450 00:19:06,993 --> 00:19:09,029 When I first got to Stroopsdorf, 451 00:19:09,030 --> 00:19:10,966 I felt like I was stranded on an island 452 00:19:10,967 --> 00:19:13,204 of losers, goofballs and nerds, 453 00:19:13,205 --> 00:19:14,774 but now I'm starting to realize I might be 454 00:19:14,775 --> 00:19:17,279 more of a loser, goofball, nerd than I'm, like... 455 00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:19,951 comfortable admitting, so... 456 00:19:19,952 --> 00:19:21,889 Welcome to the island life. 457 00:19:24,093 --> 00:19:26,732 Isn't that right, Mountain Dew, baby? 458 00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:29,003 I managed to sneak you one turkey. 459 00:19:29,004 --> 00:19:31,942 What? 460 00:19:31,943 --> 00:19:33,946 Oh, wait, but how? 461 00:19:33,947 --> 00:19:35,884 We put them all back. 462 00:19:48,442 --> 00:19:52,416 Tell me, what Mountain did you say this Dew was from? 463 00:19:52,417 --> 00:19:54,588 - 7-Eleven, Jan. - Mmm. 464 00:19:54,589 --> 00:19:57,793 I mean, its bite just builds up your texture. 465 00:19:57,794 --> 00:20:00,866 Why do American toxins taste so good? 466 00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:02,435 'Cause we're the best. 467 00:20:02,436 --> 00:20:05,208 Now, a victory bite to celebrate 468 00:20:05,209 --> 00:20:07,747 our very first reverse exfil. 469 00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:08,916 Mm. 470 00:20:10,521 --> 00:20:12,155 Oh, yeah. 471 00:20:12,156 --> 00:20:15,195 - I forgot how a dry turkey is. - Uh! 472 00:20:15,196 --> 00:20:17,432 Not if you, uh, carpet bomb up with ketchup. 473 00:20:17,433 --> 00:20:19,604 There's plenty left, too. There you go. 474 00:20:19,605 --> 00:20:20,606 - Yep. - Mm. 475 00:20:20,607 --> 00:20:23,010 Yeah, there you go. 476 00:20:23,011 --> 00:20:25,214 That'll do the trick. Oh, yeah. 477 00:20:25,215 --> 00:20:27,018 - It's good as hell. - I'm good, oh, yeah, no. 478 00:20:27,019 --> 00:20:29,023 - It's delicious. - Yeah. 479 00:20:29,024 --> 00:20:30,458 Don't. 480 00:20:30,459 --> 00:20:32,663 - Do not. - Oh, you did it. 481 00:20:32,664 --> 00:20:34,366 Yeah, he did it. 482 00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:35,903 No, don't chase it with the goo. 483 00:20:37,674 --> 00:20:41,213 Happy semi-Colonel Quinn-centennial, everybody. 484 00:20:48,630 --> 00:20:50,533 Who's ready to learn the dance 485 00:20:50,534 --> 00:20:52,837 that took my prom by storm? 486 00:20:52,838 --> 00:20:54,574 Five, six, seven, eight. 487 00:20:54,575 --> 00:20:59,884 Everybody follow me to the left. To the right. 488 00:20:59,885 --> 00:21:01,353 - Two steps back! - Whoo! 489 00:21:01,354 --> 00:21:03,091 Papadakis slide. 490 00:21:03,092 --> 00:21:04,192 Now, clap your hands. 491 00:21:04,193 --> 00:21:05,495 Clap! Clap it! 492 00:21:05,496 --> 00:21:06,698 This is pretty tank for Papadakis. 493 00:21:06,699 --> 00:21:08,936 Now get down low and hump the ground. 494 00:21:08,937 --> 00:21:10,004 There you go. That's it. 495 00:21:10,005 --> 00:21:11,508 - Alright. - Yeah. 496 00:21:11,509 --> 00:21:13,879 - Really get the ground pregnant. - It's getting intense. 497 00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:15,783 Definitely had that Fountain Dew uncut. 498 00:21:15,784 --> 00:21:17,352 Okay, are you sure this is the dance 499 00:21:17,353 --> 00:21:18,889 that made you prom king? 500 00:21:18,890 --> 00:21:20,258 Yeah, it was a COVID year. 501 00:21:20,259 --> 00:21:22,496 It was all over Zoom. 502 00:21:22,497 --> 00:21:24,166 Five, six, seven, eight! 503 00:21:24,167 --> 00:21:26,304 To the left! To the right! 504 00:21:27,006 --> 00:21:28,407 Two steps back! 505 00:21:28,408 --> 00:21:29,778 Papadakis slide! 506 00:21:29,779 --> 00:21:33,317 Clap your hands. Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! 507 00:21:33,318 --> 00:21:35,623 Now get down low and hump the ground like crazy. 508 00:21:35,624 --> 00:21:37,794 It's going so well.