Let's go.
- Doc.
She has no recollection
of the last eight years.
Bring it on.
I came here to help you.
"Kitchen Nightmares”
Are you in.
And “Going Dutch”
Pew pew pew.
First guns I've seen on the base.
Let's go, let's go.
All available now.
♪ Happy birthday to you
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
- Whose birthday is it? - Must be someone pretty popular.
- Ain't it? - Huh.
♪ Happy birthday dear Maggie ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you
[cheering]
Thank you. This is perfect.
[instrumental music]
- How you doing? - I'm fine.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- I can tell you're not fine. - I'm totally fine.
- I can tell you're mad. - Look.
You remembered that you forgot
my birthday this year. That's great.
That-that can be my gift.
That's how far we've lowered the bar?
Oh, the bar. Gosh.
That was on the ground ten years ago,
and now there's really just ground.
- I know. So-- - Mm-hmm.
A sweet old man with a metal
detector thought he found treasure recently.
- But it was just the bar. - The bar. Oh.
- Yeah. - All right. I feel like--
Saying happy birthday to me?
- Happy birthday. - Thank you.
Happy birthday to me.
[theme music]
Yeah, you can just put 'em right over there. Thank you.
Ah! Hi.
I take it none of these gifts are from your dad.
Oh, that's nothing new.
The most thoughtful gift he ever got me was on my 18th birthday.
Um, it was a handful of loose change he found in a cup holder.
- Well, did he wrap it? - Yeah.
You seem pretty chill about your birthday, so I guess
you're not interested in a gift from me...
Ah, ah! You didn't have to. You didn't have to.
- I had to. Go ahead. - Oh.
[laughs] Oh, my...
It's the nickname I gave you when we played korfball.
Jiggly Boobs.
Starting to think that's probably not
the most appropriate workplace gift, but...
No, it's not. But this must have taken you so long.
- Yeah, only six weeks. - That's crazy.
I know. It's not a big deal. I'm a big gift guy.
I mean, you should see what I got Captain Torres
and Major Daniels for their wedding.
For their wedding? Stop. I did not even know they were dating.
They kept it secret for a while, but then they went public
after he transferred to Wiesbaden, so...
All the couples I know in the army
start off secretly dating. Yeah.
- Okay. Well, I'm gonna go. - See you later, Jiggly Boobs.
- Enjoy. - Thank you.
[chuckles] This is stupid.
Mm.
Tell me, is this an American-sized portion,
or are you just upset about your daughter?
I don't know. I've never felt guilty about her before.
I don't know what's different about it this time.
I guess I love my daughter. Um...
I didn't mean that to sound as bad as it sounded.
I enjoy watching you discover basic human emotion.
It's like watching a dog recite poetry.
I just can't shake it, you know?
Are you happy, Davidson? This is why you sent me to Stroopsdorf?
Well, I don't think you can blame this on Gerald.
- Did you say Gerald? - No.
It doesn't say his first name up here.
- You said Gerald. - No, no, I said, uh...
General-d. Generald.
This, it's my accent. Duh.
No, your accent is weird in a different way.
- No. - He's a client.
- Oh, my God! - [gasps]
He's a client at your brothel?
This is like a birthday gift from me.
If he were, I would never tell you.
I give my clients the same confidentiality
as a physician with a patient!
- Ah, that's a yes. Oh, honey. - It is most certainly nothing.
It's the yes-iest of yeses.
It is the no-iest of I do not know what you're talking about.
All right, just give me one little detail
of his freaky-deaky sex life.
My client's trust means everything to me.
And if I mean anything to you,
you will just drop this now. Okay?
[Patrick] Hey, I figured out how to get us a transfer
- out of here. - Transfer? But...
Davidson's never gonna approve that.
Ho-ho. That's where you're wrong.
I just found out that he
is a client at Katja's brothel.
- How about that? - Ah, yeah.
He'd get a dishonorable discharge for all those
dishonorable discharges.
- That? - [laughs] I just found it.
See, this is why you have to do the open-mic nights again.
It may seem insane to consider
blackmailing a direct superior officer,
but I've thought it through, so hear me out.
- I'm in. Totally in. - Oh.
With this much leverage, we could request Dulmen.
That's 40 minutes across the German border, and then Maggie
would be outside of my chain and your chain of command,
which would be good for us. Uh, meaning me and you.
Okay. All we need is the proof now.
We're not gonna get any of that from Katja
'cause she's like a steel vault, which is why I decided
to bring in the best hacker I know.
[door opens]
- What took you so long? - I'm the hacker.
So you were just standing behind that door the whole time?
Yeah, yeah. Like a theatrical little...
- Dramatic, huh? - All right, let's do it.
- High five. Listen, guys. - Yeah. Let's do it.
I'll get Davidson to attend our 4th of July celebration,
and just like our forefathers, we are gonna liberate ourselves
from tyranny, in this case, his tyranny,
by stealing the old perv's GPS data.
So let's go extort a two-star general.
Okay, let's not even say that out loud.
We don't need to do that.
[whispers] Let's go extort a two-star general.
- That's better. Good luck. - That's better.
- Good. - Go get it.
Blackmail! Okay, sorry.
- What is wrong with you? - I don't know. I'm excited.
[Abraham] This is a no-phones event. No exceptions.
All right, have your phones out and ready.
Please put 'em in the locked bag.
D'you think that maybe I could look at a few photos of my mom
one last time?
You'll get it back when you leave.
Oh, nice. Cool.
General. Thank you for coming, sir.
It's a 4th of July party, and you wanna discuss surrender?
I've been waiting for you to leave since the day you arrived.
This is my kind of heaven.
Oh, sorry, general. Uh, we will need your cell.
- It's a phone-free event. - What if I have to hit the head?
Am I supposed to do it in complete silence? Like a monk?
I am so sorry, general, but it's mandatory
because the USO has booked us a musical guest,
and he wants no phones for video recording.
I'll give you a hint. He goes by, uh, The Boss.
- Bruce? - Shh!
Mn-mn.
Ah.
[instrumental music]
General, how would you like to inaugurate our photo booth?
I would gladly commemorate the day I got rid of you.
There you go.
Okay, general. There we go.
[laughs]
- [beeping] - [camera clicks]
GPS data is now unlocked.
[door shuts]
- [Maggie] Hey. - Oh, hey, girl.
Uh, what you doing?
I refuse to serve swill at this base
like we're ridding a party boat at Lake Havasu.
So I'm pouring expensive Belgian bottles
into these American cans.
Hey, so Shah and I were just having a conversation,
and, uh, there was a vibe.
We were talking about these officers who were
secretly dating, and, you know, we were talking about them,
but we were really talking about us.
I'm not surprised.
Ever since he got here, he's been snorting your pheromones
like some finance bro in a bathroom stall.
The question is, um, are you interested?
I am.
- I am. - Mm-hmm.
But it's complicated, so...
- Can I simplify for you? - Yeah. Yes.
So he is your boss.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - He's going through a divorce.
He has a complicated relationship with your dad.
You have a complicated relationship with your dad.
And if this doesn't work out,
it's gonna flip your world upside down,
and I'm a part of your world, Maggie.
Please think of me.
- Oh, that stinks. - It's just the situation.
No, I accidentally drank one of the real domestic beers.
- How we doing? - Uh--
We getting some crazy, perverse
stuff off Davidson's phone?
The dude's phone is completely clean.
- What're you talking about? - Only thing I can find
is his Wordle score, and he's a beast, man.
He wins so many in two.
There's no GPS data or, you know...
No, there's not, because every time he gets near that brothel,
he turns his phone off, so he's like a ghost.
He's like a really horny ghost who, I can't stress this enough,
happens to be a complete, absolute MJ at Wordle.
[band music]
At least I don't have to do that with the colonel.
Abe. Abe!
- Hi! - Hey, Celeste!
- Hey! - What are you doing here?
I was at a PAO's training seminar in Ansbach,
and I figured I'd stop by.
- It's only three hours. - Right.
And we're still technically married.
Um, I just really wanted to see your face.
Thoughts? Considering I'm being super vulnerable right now.
This is, uh... It's a lot to process.
But, um, well, it's good to see you.
There's just nothing on the phone that will help us.
There's gotta be something we can do. Hey, soldier.
Get your head in the game. All right?
I am the greatest military mind of my generation.
- Really? - Yes!
I don't walk away from anything, okay?
Except explosions. In slow motion.
How's, um, Terrence?
He's probably great. Uh, we broke up.
Which is part of the reason I'm here.
I'm looking for a new start and up for transfer,
so I was thinking maybe Stroopsdorf?
- So this Stroopsdorf? - No, Stroopsdorf, New Jersey.
- Yes, this Stroopsdorf. - We have a very special guest.
Give it up for Bruce Springsteen's
cover band.
What?
Thank you so much. But I need to correct this.
Jan and the Springstreets are not a cover band.
We can perform free from the shackles
of litigious American corporations.
Our first song is called
Conceived In The Continental United States.
I gave away my phone for this?
I'd love to be closer to Gabriel,
but what would that mean for us?
I think it could mean a lot of things.
I just don't think this music is
the best soundtrack to discuss it.
[Celeste] I've just been thinking about you and us a lot.
Okay, we should talk more, but I gotta run.
Here's what we're gonna do. You're the tech whiz.
You're gonna make me a bug with a camera and a microphone,
the whole nine yards, and you're gonna make it fast, soldier.
Otherwise I'm gonna send you back to whatever crappy
mid-sized American city crapped you out.
- Cedar Rapids. - So you know the stakes, right?
- Sir. We got a problem. - Yes?
[suspenseful music]
Mm! Your girlfriend made a surprise visit.
If Davidson sees her, he's gonna know something's up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I got it, I got it.
- Go. - Hey, honey!
- Hi! Hi! - Surprise!
How are you? Heh-heh. What are you doing here?
Well, I just wanted to experience
my first 4th of July celebration.
- Yes. - Boo!
- Please don't do that. - That's an order!
- [all] Boo! - That's horrible of you!
So you sit here, yeah. So let me get you a-a flag and a beer.
- Oh, American? - Yes.
- Uh, just a flag. - Okay, honey.
[Celeste sobbing]
Oh. Hi.
- [Celeste] Oh, hi. - Are you okay?
[Celeste] Oh, just crying in the stall over a boy,
like the world's worst cliche.
Uh, you wanna talk about it, bathroom stranger?
Uh, I just waited too long.
I waited, I waited for everything to be right.
Has that ever happened to you, just wait too long?
I might be doing that right now, actually.
- Really? - Yeah.
- [Celeste] Don't do it! - Yeah.
Learn from my mistakes.
- And I'm gonna go find him. - Yeah! You go!
- You go right now! - Okay, thank you!
- You got this! - Yes! Get your man, girl.
- [Maggie] You seem great. - Yeah. I am...
I am cute and I am fun.
Wow, this is enlightening, toilet lady!
- Please don't call me that. - Ooh. Yeah, sorry.
[suspenseful music]
General.
So, you ready to talk surrender?
- Yes, I am. Your surrender. - Good. Ah.
Yes. See over there?
That's my girlfriend Katja.
As in, caught-ja. Get it?
- If you'll excuse me. - Ah.
- She owns a brothel in town. - Ahem.
I would never jeopardize my career by stepping inside.
- Would you? - No.
No, I'm not...
one to, um...
hide things. Nice try.
Hm.
- Abe. - Yeah, uh, hey!
- Hi, um... - Are you good? You...
Have you been running or something?
Oh, I just, uh... Meat sweats. That's it.
- Okay. Uh... - Yeah.
Can I talk to you about something?
- Maybe in private. - Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why don't we go to the photo booth?
- Right over here. - Okay.
Right.
Uh, something's wrong.
- Okay. You can tell? - Yeah.
Yeah, you know, you really need oversized sunglasses.
- Yeah. - I do need these.
Oh, there you go.
- Now all is right in the world. - Yeah!
Ah, you know what? There's something in your hair.
It's the lack of a tiny little hat.
Yes, it was the lack of a tiny little hat.
- Yeah, cowboy. - Get in the frame.
- Ah, I am in it now. - [beeping]
- Mm... - Um, Abe.
I wanted to say something, which...
- I will actually take these off. - Why?
It's not that serious. It's, it's cool and casual and fun.
I think there's a lot of stuff
that goes unsaid between you and me.
- And I-- - Maggie.
Before you go...
Celeste wants to come here to Stroopsdorf.
- What? - [camera clicks]
Yeah, okay, she thought that maybe we could try being
a family one more time, and for so long
that's what I thought I wanted, but...
No, no buts, no buts about it.
That is what you should do.
[crowd cheering in distance]
You don't think that's, like, crazy?
I think it would be crazy if you didn't bring her here.
- [beeping] - [Jan] Okay, everybody, thank...
Uh, I, um...
I wanna go check on something.
- Mm-hmm. - Sorry. One sec.
[instrumental music]
Whoo! Let's take a look at that.
It looks like you did a fart, and that fart destroyed her.
- Can I keep it? - No.
Gerry, it's so lovely to see you.
No, no, no, don't play innocent with me.
You assured me that my visits
to the brothel were confidential.
I would never violate your trust, Gerry.
She's telling the truth.
She's not blackmailing you. I am.
[intense music]
This is the one you were supposed to find.
And this, this is the real bug.
I knew you'd confront Katja and let your guard down.
[Patrick] All I had to do was hide my microphone
behind the red, white and blue.
So it seems like the chickens have come home to roost, yeah?
And I got you by the eggs.
Unless you wanna grant me a transfer.
[scoffs, chuckles]
You used me as a pawn in your game?
A pawn can bring down a king. And he's not gonna say anything.
It's mutually-assured destruction.
The only thing that's been destroyed is my trust in you.
I told you not to cross the line, but you did.
[Katja] I see now I gave you too much credit.
- You are incapable of change. - That's unfair.
I hope you get your transfer, and I hope you get as far away
from your daughter as possible,
so you don't break her heart like you have mine.
This is goodbye, Colonel Quinn.
Okay, that's a little...
This is a perfectly good bug.
Hey, Papadakis, cut out all that stuff with me and Katja
and just keep all the really cool stuff
I said to the general, okay?
You win.
You have your transfer, anywhere you want.
I'll make it happen.
General, wait.
You want scotch?
Mm, sure.
Been a while since we've done this.
Let me ask you something.
Why'd you send me here?
I wanted you to retire.
I mean, back when we were, well, not friends, but not this,
you told me over a glass of scotch
that every time you got close to someone, you ran away.
So, what, you thought I was gonna just...
leave the service, run away from my daughter?
I-isn't that what you're doing now?
Anyway, just, uh, let me know where you wanna go,
and I'll send you there.
Oh, and, um, for the record,
I don't actually pay the women for sex.
Just for sitting on... cake,
on balloons, glass tables. It's not even really sexual.
- Well, not at first. - You don't have to explain it.
Uh, well, you know, no. I don't have anyone to tell.
And it really feels good to, uh, to share.
It started back at my tenth birthday.
My mom's friend Dolores came,
and, oh, my God, she had a body for sitting on.
S-s-sumptuous.
[indistinct song]
Okay, everybody, it's time to move outside for the fireworks!
And whoever is the owner of the black Mercedes-AMG
parked outside, I'll be by the beech tree.
[instrumental music]
[Jan] Okay, everybody, Jan and the Springstreets will continue
after the fireworks. Go out, see the lights.
Hey.
Not now, colonel. Ahem.
The fireworks are about to start.
Don't you wanna be out there for 'em?
I'm good. Leave me alone.
[sniffles]
- You all right? - Dad.
What's wrong? Um...
- Anything I can help you with? - No.
I don't get the dad who helps.
I get the dad who makes everything worse.
Okay, well...
maybe I don't wanna be that dad anymore.
You can stay if you don't say anything or do anything.
We both know I can be that dad.
- [fireworks exploding] - [crowd cheering]
I do love fireworks.
Who do you think put the first Roman candle in your hand?
Six was way too young for that, by the way.
You have all your fingers.
I know that Katja broke up with you.
How do you know that?
Mom texted me.
How does mom know?
Katja's on her way to the Quinn family ex-wife vacation.
You gotta be kidding me. Great. So now there's four of them.
It's like I'm starting a basketball team
of brilliant women who hate my guts. The team's complete.
Abe's ex told me she wants to transfer to Stroopsdorf.
And she hates my guts already.
But she's just gonna
make my life living hell.
There's some things you could do about it.
You could deny her on-base housing,
make her a roping instructor, force them into long-distance,
put her in charge of cheese coagulation,
make her smell like rancid milk.
That's... too much.
Yeah, it is 'cause she doesn't need to be in charge.
She'd smell like rancid milk a lot longer
if she had to start at the bottom and work her way up,
'cause then we-we got her in there, like, for at least
a year, maybe a year and a half, right?
Right.
They'd be calling her Stinky by then.
[both laughing]
Yeah, well, I never thought I would say this, but...
I am really glad that you're here, dad.
[fireworks exploding]
I'm not going anywhere.
[fireworks exploding]
♪ I'm a Bruce Springsteen sweaty hero man ♪
♪ But America just doesn't understand ♪
♪ That I sing about your working class ♪
♪ In a gravelly rasp but in reality ♪
♪ I'm a billionaire under the globalist command ♪
♪ Conceived in the continental United States ♪
♪ I was conceived in the continental United States ♪
♪ Conceived in the continental United States ♪
♪ I was conceived in the continental United States ♪
♪ Yeah
[children] It's going so well!