1 00:00:01,523 --> 00:00:02,263 Let's go. 2 00:00:03,046 --> 00:00:03,699 - Doc. 3 00:00:03,829 --> 00:00:04,786 She has no recollection 4 00:00:04,787 --> 00:00:05,787 of the last eight years. 5 00:00:05,788 --> 00:00:06,615 Bring it on. 6 00:00:06,789 --> 00:00:07,659 I came here to help you. 7 00:00:07,833 --> 00:00:08,878 "Kitchen Nightmares ” 8 00:00:09,052 --> 00:00:09,661 Are you in. 9 00:00:09,835 --> 00:00:11,315 And “Going Dutch ” 10 00:00:11,489 --> 00:00:12,273 Pew pew pew. 11 00:00:12,490 --> 00:00:13,665 First guns I've seen on the base. 12 00:00:13,883 --> 00:00:14,622 Let's go, let's go. 13 00:00:14,623 --> 00:00:16,233 All available now. 14 00:00:18,540 --> 00:00:19,323 [instrumental music] 15 00:00:21,369 --> 00:00:23,893 This is it. This is the day. Phones all set. 16 00:00:23,980 --> 00:00:25,198 - Waiting for their call. - Ehhh... 17 00:00:25,199 --> 00:00:27,375 - What? - They're not gonna call, sir. 18 00:00:27,505 --> 00:00:29,377 You're supposed to go by actions, not words. 19 00:00:29,507 --> 00:00:31,292 Based on my resume, I should already be a general. 20 00:00:31,422 --> 00:00:32,989 You know that. I should already have my star. 21 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:34,295 Colonel, you viciously insulted 22 00:00:34,425 --> 00:00:36,557 half the generals on the promotion board. 23 00:00:36,558 --> 00:00:38,299 In a leaked video, that would make Christian Bale blush. 24 00:00:38,429 --> 00:00:39,864 He had several valid points to make, 25 00:00:39,865 --> 00:00:41,518 as did I in my leaked rant. 26 00:00:41,519 --> 00:00:44,304 I know you love to achieve the impossible, but... 27 00:00:44,305 --> 00:00:46,349 believing that you're gonna be promoted at this point? 28 00:00:46,350 --> 00:00:47,394 - It's borderline delusional. - [telephone ringing] 29 00:00:47,395 --> 00:00:49,527 Huh? 30 00:00:49,658 --> 00:00:50,701 Colonel Patrick Quinn? 31 00:00:50,702 --> 00:00:53,227 Big Dog! It's Papadakis! 32 00:00:53,357 --> 00:00:55,359 [Elias] My sandwich guy came through! 33 00:00:55,446 --> 00:00:58,928 A couple of us are going in on a six-foot sub. No knife. 34 00:00:59,015 --> 00:01:02,365 We're just lining up, taking turns chopping that thing. 35 00:01:02,366 --> 00:01:04,020 - [Elias] Tell me you're in! - Why would I... 36 00:01:04,151 --> 00:01:05,673 Papadakis, I'm your commanding officer. 37 00:01:05,674 --> 00:01:06,762 We are not friends. 38 00:01:06,892 --> 00:01:08,024 [Elias] We're not friends yet, 39 00:01:08,155 --> 00:01:09,503 'cause your generation is stupid. 40 00:01:09,504 --> 00:01:11,419 - My generation is stupid? - [Elias] Emotionally. 41 00:01:11,549 --> 00:01:12,724 - He's got a point. - [Elias] You're dumb as rocks... 42 00:01:12,811 --> 00:01:13,812 emotionally is what I'm saying. 43 00:01:13,943 --> 00:01:15,031 Get off my phone! 44 00:01:15,162 --> 00:01:15,945 As I was saying, I just think it's 45 00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:17,293 important that we recognize that 46 00:01:17,294 --> 00:01:19,035 promotion requires a certain amount 47 00:01:19,166 --> 00:01:20,384 of glad-handing that you're unwilling to do. 48 00:01:20,515 --> 00:01:22,472 - Mm-hmm. Okay. - [telephone ringing] 49 00:01:22,473 --> 00:01:23,996 [Woman 1] Colonel Quinn, I have an important 50 00:01:24,127 --> 00:01:24,910 call from the promotion board. 51 00:01:25,041 --> 00:01:26,302 Oh, yeah. Oh, put it through. 52 00:01:26,303 --> 00:01:27,521 Oh, my God. 53 00:01:27,522 --> 00:01:29,262 What did I tell you? Colonel Patrick Quinn. 54 00:01:29,263 --> 00:01:31,221 Colonel, General Davidson here. 55 00:01:31,352 --> 00:01:33,180 Hello, general, sir. How are you today, sir? 56 00:01:33,310 --> 00:01:36,399 I have great news about your star. 57 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:39,621 - I can't wait to hear it, sir. - You didn't get it. 58 00:01:39,751 --> 00:01:43,102 What? How would you know? You're not on the promotion board. 59 00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:44,365 Well, I got the inside scoop 60 00:01:44,495 --> 00:01:46,757 at one of General King's hunting trips. 61 00:01:46,758 --> 00:01:49,152 - You know how those things go. - No, I-I don't, actually. 62 00:01:49,283 --> 00:01:52,024 Right. Those trips are for stars only. 63 00:01:52,155 --> 00:01:54,548 So here is the actual good news. 64 00:01:54,549 --> 00:01:58,814 I'm getting my second star. And here's the best part. 65 00:01:58,944 --> 00:02:01,946 I've decided to have my ceremony at Stroopsdorf. 66 00:02:01,947 --> 00:02:03,210 - What? - [laughs] 67 00:02:03,340 --> 00:02:04,775 You psyops guys never know 68 00:02:04,776 --> 00:02:06,387 when to stop twisting the knife, do you? 69 00:02:06,517 --> 00:02:09,216 Nonsense. I love Stroopsdorf's cheese. 70 00:02:09,346 --> 00:02:11,131 And, of course, you will also be there 71 00:02:11,218 --> 00:02:13,349 because that's where you are. 72 00:02:13,350 --> 00:02:15,569 - [laughs] - [phone beeps] 73 00:02:15,570 --> 00:02:18,050 [sighs] You were right. 74 00:02:18,181 --> 00:02:20,443 - This is rock bottom. - [door opens] 75 00:02:20,444 --> 00:02:22,881 Your generation only responds to in-person contact. 76 00:02:23,012 --> 00:02:25,405 So I've ripped off the last two feet of this sub, 77 00:02:25,406 --> 00:02:28,234 and I want us to Lady and The Tramp it. 78 00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:29,365 That means you have to eat the other side. 79 00:02:29,366 --> 00:02:30,672 I know. 80 00:02:30,802 --> 00:02:32,542 I was wrong. 81 00:02:32,543 --> 00:02:33,544 This is rock bottom. 82 00:02:33,675 --> 00:02:36,808 [theme music] 83 00:02:53,999 --> 00:02:56,393 That is amazing news. 84 00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:58,002 Congrats. 85 00:02:58,003 --> 00:03:01,050 I'm so happy for you. Bye-bye. 86 00:03:01,137 --> 00:03:02,399 I am so happy for me. 87 00:03:02,486 --> 00:03:04,358 I just found out that Colonel Jack Lee 88 00:03:04,488 --> 00:03:06,055 is getting the promotion, and that's gonna 89 00:03:06,142 --> 00:03:07,403 transfer him to USAG Bavaria. 90 00:03:07,404 --> 00:03:08,839 Which means he'll take Captain Jensen with him, 91 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,668 and that means that there's an open spot 92 00:03:10,799 --> 00:03:13,280 at USAG Benelux, and Captain Perez has been 93 00:03:13,367 --> 00:03:14,716 gunning for a European transfer ever since 94 00:03:14,846 --> 00:03:16,544 she started her post in D.C. 95 00:03:16,674 --> 00:03:19,329 I'm nodding politely, but I need you to clarify. 96 00:03:19,460 --> 00:03:22,550 There will be an open post in Washington, D.C. 97 00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:25,073 That would mean, like, real networking opportunities 98 00:03:25,074 --> 00:03:26,075 for my political career. 99 00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:29,121 And it opens up in eight months. 100 00:03:29,252 --> 00:03:31,428 Which lines up perfectly with my next promotion. 101 00:03:34,344 --> 00:03:36,172 You have a murder board for your career? 102 00:03:36,303 --> 00:03:38,608 All the victims are the ambitions of my enemies. 103 00:03:38,609 --> 00:03:41,307 I love you, girl, but this is the kind of crazy 104 00:03:41,308 --> 00:03:42,918 you can only share with me because nobody 105 00:03:43,048 --> 00:03:43,787 else would understand. 106 00:03:43,788 --> 00:03:45,702 Maggie! 107 00:03:45,703 --> 00:03:47,878 I heard about Colonel Lee going to Bavaria. 108 00:03:47,879 --> 00:03:49,532 - D.C. is so close! - Yes. 109 00:03:49,533 --> 00:03:51,143 I came to watch you connect the final string. 110 00:03:51,274 --> 00:03:54,408 Oh, don't mind if I do. Mhmm. 111 00:03:55,104 --> 00:03:56,061 Ba-da-bing, baby. 112 00:03:56,192 --> 00:03:57,976 Wait, why General King? 113 00:03:58,107 --> 00:04:00,152 He oversees all the transfers in and out of Europe, 114 00:04:00,283 --> 00:04:02,459 and he's gonna be at General Davidson's promotion tomorrow, 115 00:04:02,546 --> 00:04:05,332 which means our girl is just inches away. 116 00:04:05,419 --> 00:04:06,333 I just need five minutes with him 117 00:04:06,463 --> 00:04:09,466 to prove I'm perfect for D.C. 118 00:04:09,553 --> 00:04:11,860 Please, you can do it in two. 119 00:04:11,990 --> 00:04:13,296 Oh, this is the colonel. 120 00:04:13,427 --> 00:04:15,906 He says, "Can we do something fun 121 00:04:15,907 --> 00:04:17,518 to General Davidson's dinner? 122 00:04:17,648 --> 00:04:20,346 Laxatives? From the colonel." 123 00:04:20,347 --> 00:04:21,739 Don't you love when boomers sign their texts? 124 00:04:21,870 --> 00:04:24,438 But wait, the colonel hates Davidson. 125 00:04:24,568 --> 00:04:25,526 He's gonna ruin the whole party for you. 126 00:04:25,656 --> 00:04:28,006 I have got a plan to take him out. 127 00:04:28,137 --> 00:04:30,225 Night-night, colonel. 128 00:04:30,226 --> 00:04:31,879 You gonna kill your dad? 129 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:34,925 No, I'm just gonna convince him not to come to dinner. 130 00:04:34,926 --> 00:04:38,539 - But have you thought about-- - Pills and a typed suicide note. 131 00:04:38,669 --> 00:04:39,669 Solid plan. 132 00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:42,107 [instrumental music] 133 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,068 - Hey. - Hey. 134 00:04:46,155 --> 00:04:48,330 You have a murder board, too. 135 00:04:48,331 --> 00:04:50,593 Yeah, except mine's closer to actual murder. 136 00:04:50,594 --> 00:04:52,509 I know. Tomorrow's probably gonna be hard. 137 00:04:52,596 --> 00:04:54,337 Davidson getting his second star. 138 00:04:54,468 --> 00:04:55,947 You haven't gotten your first. 139 00:04:56,034 --> 00:04:58,689 I bet he buttered them up on that hunting trip. 140 00:04:58,820 --> 00:05:01,388 I'm sure their camo blended well with all the pussy willows. 141 00:05:01,518 --> 00:05:03,651 Ah, it's a shame you can't 142 00:05:03,781 --> 00:05:06,305 make up an excuse and just skip the whole thing. 143 00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:08,132 Food poisoning or something. 144 00:05:08,133 --> 00:05:10,091 Then you'd have the night to yourself, to just relax 145 00:05:10,092 --> 00:05:13,921 and do whatever it is 146 00:05:13,922 --> 00:05:15,837 that you do in your free time. 147 00:05:15,967 --> 00:05:17,578 Well, it's been a while since I made a knife. 148 00:05:17,708 --> 00:05:18,796 Sorry? 149 00:05:18,927 --> 00:05:20,144 When you stab a man with something that 150 00:05:20,145 --> 00:05:22,799 you made, it just... means more. 151 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,715 Well, yeah. I mean, that sounds like a great Saturday night. 152 00:05:25,716 --> 00:05:29,153 A little bit of wine, some knife stuff. 153 00:05:29,154 --> 00:05:30,807 But you've gotta do the right thing. 154 00:05:30,808 --> 00:05:32,767 Go celebrate the achievements of your worst enemy. 155 00:05:32,854 --> 00:05:35,769 [sighs] 156 00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:37,206 You know what? Screw it. 157 00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:39,034 - I'm not doing it. - What? 158 00:05:39,164 --> 00:05:41,776 I'm gonna stay here and make myself a big-ass Rambo knife. 159 00:05:41,863 --> 00:05:45,083 - What do you think of that? - All right. 160 00:05:45,170 --> 00:05:48,390 Sergeant Conway, we are way over budget for this reception. 161 00:05:48,391 --> 00:05:51,001 A thousand dollars for an ice luge? 162 00:05:51,002 --> 00:05:54,614 Major Shah, we do things with quality and panache. 163 00:05:54,615 --> 00:05:56,834 And I'm not gonna let somebody so uptight mess that up. 164 00:05:56,965 --> 00:05:59,271 Okay, I'm not uptight. I just have very good posture. 165 00:05:59,402 --> 00:06:00,882 Because you've got a stick up your butt. 166 00:06:01,012 --> 00:06:03,058 You needs to get laid, brother! 167 00:06:03,188 --> 00:06:05,060 Okay, I don't take life advice from a drunk dude 168 00:06:05,190 --> 00:06:06,453 in an 80s teen comedy. 169 00:06:06,540 --> 00:06:08,671 - He might be on to something. - Mhm-hm. 170 00:06:08,672 --> 00:06:10,107 - How long has it been? - It's none of your business. 171 00:06:10,108 --> 00:06:11,458 Oh, so like two years? 172 00:06:11,588 --> 00:06:12,850 Look, I don't have time to date, all right? 173 00:06:12,981 --> 00:06:14,330 I'm in the middle of negotiating a very 174 00:06:14,461 --> 00:06:15,157 complicated divorce across seven 175 00:06:15,244 --> 00:06:16,811 time zones and two continents. 176 00:06:16,898 --> 00:06:18,203 Between that... 177 00:06:18,334 --> 00:06:20,248 and keeping you two in check... 178 00:06:20,249 --> 00:06:21,250 - What are you doing? - What? 179 00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,904 We've got to make sure it works. 180 00:06:23,905 --> 00:06:25,601 Okay, look, I'm not really a one-night-stand kind of guy. 181 00:06:25,602 --> 00:06:26,864 I have to connect with someone. 182 00:06:26,995 --> 00:06:27,909 Well, maybe you weren't a 183 00:06:28,039 --> 00:06:28,996 one-night-stand kind of guy. 184 00:06:28,997 --> 00:06:30,040 But aren't you always saying 185 00:06:30,041 --> 00:06:31,086 that Stroopsdorf is opening 186 00:06:31,216 --> 00:06:32,174 you up to new things? 187 00:06:32,261 --> 00:06:33,828 You know, I have been trying 188 00:06:33,915 --> 00:06:35,655 to serve myself more. 189 00:06:35,656 --> 00:06:37,265 And there's nothing more self-serving 190 00:06:37,266 --> 00:06:40,878 than meaningless sex. So, all right. 191 00:06:41,009 --> 00:06:43,358 Come on, guys. That's straight vodka. 192 00:06:43,359 --> 00:06:45,056 [Abraham] We've got five here. 193 00:06:45,143 --> 00:06:46,101 We need six more in there, okay? 194 00:06:46,231 --> 00:06:47,755 - Hey. - Hey. 195 00:06:47,885 --> 00:06:49,931 Listen, I was thinking tomorrow we bail on that party. 196 00:06:50,018 --> 00:06:53,369 Grab some ribs, maybe. Go back to my place and watch "Cops." 197 00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:54,501 Maybe I'll make you a knife. 198 00:06:54,631 --> 00:06:56,066 Ah, you know, I love your knives. 199 00:06:56,067 --> 00:06:57,241 - Yeah. - Yeah. 200 00:06:57,242 --> 00:06:58,460 Got enough of them already. 201 00:06:58,461 --> 00:06:59,419 I was actually thinking about, um 202 00:06:59,506 --> 00:07:01,245 going to that party tomorrow night. 203 00:07:01,246 --> 00:07:02,596 - Oh. - Thinking it might be a nice... 204 00:07:02,726 --> 00:07:05,294 opportunity for me to, uh, to meet someone. 205 00:07:05,381 --> 00:07:07,382 - Yes. - [both] And get over the thing. 206 00:07:07,383 --> 00:07:09,341 Right. That's a great idea. 207 00:07:09,472 --> 00:07:10,734 You know, you sure you don't wanna go? 208 00:07:10,865 --> 00:07:12,736 I mean, half the promotion board is gonna be there. 209 00:07:12,867 --> 00:07:14,782 I know. I'd rather eat glass. You know that. 210 00:07:14,912 --> 00:07:15,870 Look, I'm free tonight if you wanna just like-- 211 00:07:15,957 --> 00:07:17,523 You're fine. You go do your thing. 212 00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:18,786 I've, I've got plenty of work to do. 213 00:07:19,874 --> 00:07:21,615 Yeah. Yeah. 214 00:07:21,745 --> 00:07:23,878 Hey, colonel, you're not gonna, like, 215 00:07:23,965 --> 00:07:26,923 get drunk again and talk to Patton's gun, are you? 216 00:07:26,924 --> 00:07:29,056 My God. How many times do I have to tell you? 217 00:07:29,057 --> 00:07:30,754 I wasn't talking to the gun. 218 00:07:30,885 --> 00:07:32,625 I was talking to myself near the gun. 219 00:07:32,626 --> 00:07:34,889 I mean, it did sound like a conversation. 220 00:07:34,976 --> 00:07:38,022 Your cadence shifted. You did call it sir at one point. 221 00:07:38,153 --> 00:07:40,764 No, no, no. When I'm talking to myself, I call myself sir. 222 00:07:40,851 --> 00:07:42,505 Because I'm not gonna drop the honorific. I earned it. 223 00:07:42,636 --> 00:07:46,509 ♪ He reaches for the bottle ♪ 224 00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:50,905 ♪ But his hands don't take hold ♪ 225 00:07:50,992 --> 00:07:55,256 ♪ His eyes just can't focus ♪ 226 00:07:55,257 --> 00:07:58,259 ♪ He's out of control 227 00:07:58,260 --> 00:08:00,566 You know, 228 00:08:00,567 --> 00:08:02,698 not every man gets to fulfill his destiny, sir. 229 00:08:02,699 --> 00:08:05,093 Thank God you're one of the ones who did. 230 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:10,359 ♪ Who sits there all alone 231 00:08:10,446 --> 00:08:13,231 "Fate will tap a man on the shoulder 232 00:08:13,362 --> 00:08:16,452 and point out what fork in the road he should take, 233 00:08:16,583 --> 00:08:19,149 and if he has the guts, he will take it. 234 00:08:19,150 --> 00:08:20,717 General George S. Patton." 235 00:08:23,372 --> 00:08:26,288 Holy crap. The gun does talk back. 236 00:08:28,246 --> 00:08:29,509 I love you too, sir. 237 00:08:35,950 --> 00:08:38,213 Listen, I'm definitely going to the star dinner, okay? 238 00:08:38,343 --> 00:08:40,955 It's my destiny to be a general, and the only reason I'm not 239 00:08:41,042 --> 00:08:43,218 is because General King and those dopes they think 240 00:08:43,348 --> 00:08:45,306 I'm, ah, too abrasive. 241 00:08:45,307 --> 00:08:46,742 - No. - Knock it off. 242 00:08:46,743 --> 00:08:48,788 And I was talking to this friend of mine, 243 00:08:48,789 --> 00:08:50,878 ex-military, and he said, "You know what, 244 00:08:51,008 --> 00:08:52,836 you should just, you should just try to be nicer." 245 00:08:52,967 --> 00:08:54,620 You were talking to the gun again? 246 00:08:54,621 --> 00:08:55,622 You know what a better question is? 247 00:08:55,752 --> 00:08:56,971 Why are people spying on me 248 00:08:57,058 --> 00:08:59,363 when I'm at home in my private time? 249 00:08:59,364 --> 00:09:01,410 So listen, I'm thinking, go to the dinner 250 00:09:01,497 --> 00:09:03,150 and I charm General King, right? 251 00:09:03,151 --> 00:09:05,022 And then he invites me on one of the hunting trips 252 00:09:05,153 --> 00:09:07,068 and I charm him there. I'm gonna get my star. 253 00:09:07,198 --> 00:09:10,200 Now the problem is, I will need to be... 254 00:09:10,201 --> 00:09:14,857 I don't even wanna say this because it'll make me gag. 255 00:09:14,858 --> 00:09:16,816 - I need-- - To be nice to him at a party? 256 00:09:16,817 --> 00:09:18,426 Yeah, and I don't know how to do that. 257 00:09:18,427 --> 00:09:20,255 - So I need your help. - Me? 258 00:09:20,385 --> 00:09:21,604 People think you're really nice. 259 00:09:21,735 --> 00:09:23,606 - I am actually nice. - I know. 260 00:09:23,737 --> 00:09:24,651 Come on. 261 00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,523 Having a general as a father 262 00:09:27,654 --> 00:09:29,089 could be very good for my political career. 263 00:09:29,090 --> 00:09:31,439 It'd be huge. 264 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:33,573 I am in. I will do it. I will... 265 00:09:34,661 --> 00:09:36,226 My Fair Lady you. 266 00:09:36,227 --> 00:09:39,056 Except you're not turning me into Audrey Hepburn, 267 00:09:39,187 --> 00:09:40,536 you're making me less of a dick. 268 00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:43,190 - Yeah. - Great. All right. 269 00:09:43,191 --> 00:09:45,975 It would be easier to turn you into Audrey Hepburn. 270 00:09:45,976 --> 00:09:48,761 [Maggie] Colonel, if either of us wants to advance 271 00:09:48,762 --> 00:09:50,720 our careers tonight, it has to go well. 272 00:09:50,851 --> 00:09:53,810 And the key to that for both of us is General King. 273 00:09:53,897 --> 00:09:55,769 But he's such a two-faced weasel, this guy. 274 00:09:55,899 --> 00:09:57,335 And all the other colonels are always 275 00:09:57,466 --> 00:09:58,815 sucking up to him because they want their stars. 276 00:09:58,902 --> 00:10:01,470 Their noses are browner than a UPS truck. 277 00:10:01,557 --> 00:10:03,471 Well, what can brown do for you? 278 00:10:03,472 --> 00:10:06,170 Make you a general, that's what. 279 00:10:06,257 --> 00:10:07,824 August. 280 00:10:07,911 --> 00:10:11,132 Gus King, the picture of a devoted family man. 281 00:10:11,262 --> 00:10:12,828 Father of five daughters 282 00:10:12,829 --> 00:10:15,266 and a Siberian husky named Dan Marino, 283 00:10:15,353 --> 00:10:17,441 after his favorite player on his favorite team. 284 00:10:17,442 --> 00:10:18,922 Big Miami Dolphins fan. 285 00:10:19,053 --> 00:10:21,837 I can't be friends with a guy who's a Finns fan. 286 00:10:21,838 --> 00:10:23,578 Okay. Which is why you will practice by 287 00:10:23,579 --> 00:10:25,581 befriending a man you hate most. 288 00:10:27,104 --> 00:10:28,802 - Hello? - No. 289 00:10:28,932 --> 00:10:30,629 Much like a sprinter training with leg weights, 290 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,719 if you can suck up to Jan, 291 00:10:32,806 --> 00:10:33,850 then everything else will seem easy. 292 00:10:33,937 --> 00:10:35,896 Plus, he's also a family man. 293 00:10:36,026 --> 00:10:39,160 Now, you're gonna find common ground with Jan. 294 00:10:39,290 --> 00:10:42,902 Jan loves his family like King loves his family. 295 00:10:42,903 --> 00:10:45,427 You could talk about how you love your family. 296 00:10:47,821 --> 00:10:49,865 - Shouldn't be hard. - I, I love my family. 297 00:10:49,866 --> 00:10:50,649 To him. 298 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,347 - I love my family. - Oh. 299 00:10:52,477 --> 00:10:54,479 Certain members at certain times. 300 00:10:54,610 --> 00:10:55,828 I've got the same kink. 301 00:10:55,829 --> 00:10:57,917 Me and Renato, we have this wheel, 302 00:10:57,918 --> 00:10:59,484 we take turns spinning, and it determines 303 00:10:59,615 --> 00:11:02,183 the intensity of our love. 304 00:11:02,313 --> 00:11:03,749 And, colonel, uhh, 305 00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:05,968 sometimes it gets very intense. 306 00:11:05,969 --> 00:11:08,755 I'm not engaging with Ziggy Stardutch, okay? 307 00:11:08,842 --> 00:11:10,973 - Okay. Why are you roasting him? - I'm not. 308 00:11:10,974 --> 00:11:12,759 It's like you have insult comic Tourette's. 309 00:11:12,889 --> 00:11:15,108 No. I'm just impulsively honest. 310 00:11:15,109 --> 00:11:17,110 [Patrick] It's one of my things that I've always... 311 00:11:17,111 --> 00:11:20,200 God, the top of your head is so oddly shaped. 312 00:11:20,201 --> 00:11:22,332 We should have kept that helmet on you when you were a baby. 313 00:11:22,333 --> 00:11:24,466 But, no. Your mother said no. 314 00:11:24,553 --> 00:11:26,990 [instrumental music] 315 00:11:32,735 --> 00:11:35,869 Major Shah. You look good. 316 00:11:35,999 --> 00:11:38,479 We scouted the room, and we found you 317 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:41,701 an XO who wants to sex-oh. 318 00:11:41,788 --> 00:11:43,398 - What? - Hey. 319 00:11:43,528 --> 00:11:45,225 She's smart. Funny. 320 00:11:45,226 --> 00:11:46,922 All right, look, I haven't hit on a woman in a decade. 321 00:11:46,923 --> 00:11:49,056 I, I don't know what I'm doing. 322 00:11:49,186 --> 00:11:50,926 - What if everything's changed? - Oh, nothing's changed. 323 00:11:50,927 --> 00:11:53,015 It's just natural human interaction. 324 00:11:53,016 --> 00:11:54,844 You'll be fine. Just be yourself, okay? 325 00:11:54,975 --> 00:11:56,803 - You got this. Get out of here. - Yeah, go be yourself. 326 00:11:56,890 --> 00:11:58,456 - Okay, okay, shh. - Be all you can be. 327 00:11:58,587 --> 00:12:00,197 - All right. - You got it. 328 00:12:00,328 --> 00:12:01,720 Hey, guys. I need you. 329 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,505 Hi. I'm Major Abraham Shah. 330 00:12:03,592 --> 00:12:05,246 Okay, squad. 331 00:12:05,376 --> 00:12:06,900 The Colonel has learned absolutely nothing, 332 00:12:07,030 --> 00:12:07,943 and we are completely out of time. 333 00:12:07,944 --> 00:12:09,684 So, Papadakis, you're on damage control 334 00:12:09,685 --> 00:12:11,687 for any conversational disaster. 335 00:12:11,818 --> 00:12:14,037 Conway, you are on Davidson duty. 336 00:12:14,124 --> 00:12:16,387 He will not stop until he embarrasses my dad, 337 00:12:16,474 --> 00:12:17,519 and I can't have that, okay? 338 00:12:17,606 --> 00:12:19,782 So keep them apart at all costs. 339 00:12:19,913 --> 00:12:21,609 Let's trick everyone into thinking 340 00:12:21,610 --> 00:12:24,177 my dad is not a monster, okay? 341 00:12:24,178 --> 00:12:27,354 I've said that too many times in my life. 342 00:12:27,355 --> 00:12:30,183 Ever since I've been here in the Netherlands, 343 00:12:30,184 --> 00:12:33,404 it's like my brain is quiet enough to... 344 00:12:33,491 --> 00:12:35,276 open up to new experiences. 345 00:12:35,406 --> 00:12:37,234 You're not the guy I thought you were gonna be. 346 00:12:37,365 --> 00:12:39,019 Okay, so you've been thinking about me. 347 00:12:39,149 --> 00:12:41,630 Yeah, I've been following your career for a while. 348 00:12:41,717 --> 00:12:42,631 You've been following me? 349 00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:44,153 And you're even more 350 00:12:44,154 --> 00:12:45,590 handsome in person. 351 00:12:45,721 --> 00:12:47,854 I don't normally do this, 352 00:12:47,941 --> 00:12:49,899 but maybe we could get out of here. 353 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,946 Isn't your office close by? 354 00:12:53,947 --> 00:12:54,991 Yeah. 355 00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:57,559 [clinking] 356 00:13:01,519 --> 00:13:02,607 Let me just, yeah. 357 00:13:04,174 --> 00:13:05,567 I'm ready. 358 00:13:06,568 --> 00:13:08,874 Okay. Game time. 359 00:13:08,875 --> 00:13:10,179 - Yeah. - There is King, okay. 360 00:13:10,180 --> 00:13:12,704 He's talking to General Scott and his wife. 361 00:13:12,835 --> 00:13:14,315 Please remember that both of our careers 362 00:13:14,445 --> 00:13:15,359 depend on you not blowing this. 363 00:13:15,446 --> 00:13:17,796 I know, I know. 364 00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,972 - Here I go. - Okay. 365 00:13:19,973 --> 00:13:22,453 General King, I hear you're one of those guys 366 00:13:22,540 --> 00:13:23,803 who loves his family, huh. 367 00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:25,805 I may have made a huge mistake. 368 00:13:27,545 --> 00:13:29,198 [Maggie] Conway. Conway. 369 00:13:29,199 --> 00:13:30,244 [clears throat] 370 00:13:30,374 --> 00:13:32,245 Oh, general, 371 00:13:32,246 --> 00:13:34,770 I have a question that only you can answer. 372 00:13:34,901 --> 00:13:36,249 - Is that right? - Yeah, um... 373 00:13:36,250 --> 00:13:39,731 I just need you to answer right over here. 374 00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:43,212 Yes, all five daughters wanna be actresses. That's so lucky. 375 00:13:43,213 --> 00:13:45,041 - Oh, we're very proud. - How's Marino doing? 376 00:13:45,128 --> 00:13:46,869 Is he still chasing cars like old Danny Boy 377 00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,045 was chasing Super Bowl rings? 378 00:13:50,046 --> 00:13:52,048 - What? - My little Marino... 379 00:13:53,267 --> 00:13:54,572 died three days ago. 380 00:13:54,703 --> 00:13:57,314 - Oh. - He died right in my arm. 381 00:13:57,445 --> 00:13:59,012 Oh, man. I-I, um... 382 00:14:01,318 --> 00:14:02,537 That's tough, man. 383 00:14:02,667 --> 00:14:04,016 Corporal, get over there. 384 00:14:04,017 --> 00:14:05,583 [crying] 385 00:14:05,714 --> 00:14:07,889 - Hey. What? - You're crying. 386 00:14:07,890 --> 00:14:10,719 You okay, man? You okay, brother? Hey. 387 00:14:10,806 --> 00:14:12,111 Corporal Elias Papadakis. 388 00:14:12,112 --> 00:14:13,721 Is this some sort of prank, colonel? 389 00:14:13,722 --> 00:14:17,464 It is a prank. Can you imagine if he was in the U.S. Army? 390 00:14:17,465 --> 00:14:18,770 - Come on. - No, never. 391 00:14:18,901 --> 00:14:20,641 He is a, a galoot. [laughs] 392 00:14:20,642 --> 00:14:22,078 Galoot. Great word. 393 00:14:22,165 --> 00:14:24,254 I am in the Army. I'm a cyber warrior. 394 00:14:24,385 --> 00:14:26,299 [laughs] 395 00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:27,997 I thought-I thought it would cheer you up. 396 00:14:28,128 --> 00:14:29,302 Oh, colonel, this is just what I needed... 397 00:14:29,303 --> 00:14:30,956 - ...to take my mind off Marino. - Good. 398 00:14:30,957 --> 00:14:32,914 Maybe Davidson was wrong about you. 399 00:14:32,915 --> 00:14:34,786 - He was wrong about me. - Cyber warrior. 400 00:14:34,917 --> 00:14:37,137 - I know, right? - Yeah, I am. 401 00:14:42,664 --> 00:14:44,927 [man 1] Yeah. That's so hot. 402 00:14:45,058 --> 00:14:46,494 What... 403 00:14:46,624 --> 00:14:47,843 [clicks] 404 00:14:49,410 --> 00:14:52,673 Colonel O'Connor, what is happening? Who tied you up? 405 00:14:52,674 --> 00:14:54,501 She did. I'm with her. 406 00:14:54,502 --> 00:14:56,765 - No, no, no, no. I'm with her. - Actually, you're both with me. 407 00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,722 I told you I was into stuff. 408 00:14:58,723 --> 00:15:01,116 - This is the stuff? - Major Clark and I are married. 409 00:15:01,117 --> 00:15:03,424 We like to keep things spicy. 410 00:15:03,554 --> 00:15:05,556 Now, before we get going, let's talk 411 00:15:05,643 --> 00:15:06,818 boundaries and comfort levels. 412 00:15:06,949 --> 00:15:08,080 I'm not comfortable with any of this. 413 00:15:08,081 --> 00:15:10,343 You said you were open to new experiences. 414 00:15:10,344 --> 00:15:11,910 I meant like cold plunges and savory 415 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,564 pancakes that are huge but thin. 416 00:15:13,651 --> 00:15:15,653 I wish you would have told me you were a prude. 417 00:15:15,740 --> 00:15:18,221 I'm not a prude. Okay? The line can't be this and then prude. 418 00:15:18,352 --> 00:15:20,179 There's gotta be something in between 419 00:15:20,180 --> 00:15:21,659 vanilla sex and a devil's three-way. 420 00:15:21,790 --> 00:15:23,922 Relax. I just watch. 421 00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,793 Unless you wanna blindfold me. 422 00:15:25,794 --> 00:15:27,012 - I don't wanna do that. - Honestly. 423 00:15:27,013 --> 00:15:28,796 Theater of the mind is even better. 424 00:15:28,797 --> 00:15:30,799 So I will be much louder. 425 00:15:30,886 --> 00:15:33,496 Okay, I'm really sorry, but this is just too weird for me. 426 00:15:33,497 --> 00:15:34,542 Kink shame much? 427 00:15:34,672 --> 00:15:35,717 Of all the times 428 00:15:35,804 --> 00:15:37,632 I've been tied to a chair, 429 00:15:37,762 --> 00:15:39,372 I've never felt disrespected. 430 00:15:39,373 --> 00:15:40,982 Until now. 431 00:15:40,983 --> 00:15:43,029 Okay, colonel, you're my commanding officer. 432 00:15:43,116 --> 00:15:45,205 I know. That's what makes it hot. 433 00:15:48,817 --> 00:15:50,557 You giving up so early? 434 00:15:50,558 --> 00:15:52,038 Yeah, because you told me that nothing 435 00:15:52,168 --> 00:15:53,603 has changed, but everything has changed. 436 00:15:53,604 --> 00:15:55,389 I put my toe into the dating pool and it'll 437 00:15:55,476 --> 00:15:58,174 never be the same. Is two-person sex over? 438 00:15:58,261 --> 00:15:59,306 I don't know. I've never done it. 439 00:15:59,393 --> 00:16:00,784 What? 440 00:16:00,785 --> 00:16:03,613 Sir, sorry to interrupt, 441 00:16:03,614 --> 00:16:05,181 but I know you're in charge of transfers 442 00:16:05,268 --> 00:16:06,661 in and out of Europe, so I wanted to-- 443 00:16:06,791 --> 00:16:08,532 Let me stop you there, captain. 444 00:16:08,663 --> 00:16:10,142 With a second star, that's General Davidson's job now. 445 00:16:10,143 --> 00:16:11,883 [Maggie] Great. Excuse me. 446 00:16:12,014 --> 00:16:15,496 - There you are, colonel. - Hey, general. 447 00:16:15,583 --> 00:16:18,064 Sergeant Conway was trying to keep me away from you. 448 00:16:18,194 --> 00:16:19,935 [laughs] 449 00:16:20,066 --> 00:16:21,676 Your distractions won't work on me. 450 00:16:21,806 --> 00:16:24,852 I didn't come here for cheese. I came here to embarrass you. 451 00:16:24,853 --> 00:16:27,943 - What else could I do for you? - Something humiliating. 452 00:16:28,074 --> 00:16:30,511 I want you to personally present my second star. 453 00:16:30,641 --> 00:16:33,079 Let's see how you do up on stage 454 00:16:33,166 --> 00:16:36,082 with no one to protect you from being you. 455 00:16:37,431 --> 00:16:39,302 Okay. 456 00:16:39,389 --> 00:16:40,824 Oh, it's a good thing you didn't make that knife. 457 00:16:40,825 --> 00:16:43,654 Oh, I think I could put something together on the quick. 458 00:16:44,046 --> 00:16:45,004 Yeah. 459 00:16:47,615 --> 00:16:49,573 [instrumental music] 460 00:16:49,660 --> 00:16:51,227 [indistinct chatter] 461 00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:54,274 [Patrick] Hey. 462 00:16:54,404 --> 00:16:56,014 Davidson is more triggering to you 463 00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:58,321 than the word triggering is. 464 00:16:58,408 --> 00:17:00,889 I should just kiss D.C. goodbye, right? 465 00:17:00,976 --> 00:17:04,544 Because there's no chance you go out there and not insult him. 466 00:17:04,545 --> 00:17:07,852 I'm gonna insult somebody, and he's in the splash zone, so... 467 00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:10,202 I have someone for you to insult. 468 00:17:10,203 --> 00:17:12,379 - Who? What do you mean? - You. 469 00:17:12,509 --> 00:17:15,207 Self-deprecation. I mean, people love when I make fun of myself. 470 00:17:15,208 --> 00:17:16,644 What would I make fun of? 471 00:17:16,774 --> 00:17:18,688 Okay. 472 00:17:18,689 --> 00:17:21,561 Try to think about how much you want to be general. 473 00:17:21,562 --> 00:17:22,824 Got it. 474 00:17:27,872 --> 00:17:29,091 [Patrick] All right. 475 00:17:29,222 --> 00:17:31,398 There are so many things... 476 00:17:33,226 --> 00:17:35,009 I could say about General Davidson. 477 00:17:35,010 --> 00:17:38,970 So... many things. 478 00:17:39,101 --> 00:17:43,453 But, uh, let me start by saying thank you, General Davidson, 479 00:17:43,584 --> 00:17:46,152 for inviting me to do this, because this is the closest 480 00:17:46,282 --> 00:17:48,240 I'm ever gonna get to a star. 481 00:17:48,241 --> 00:17:50,372 [crowd laughing] 482 00:17:50,373 --> 00:17:52,679 You know, I've been a colonel for over a decade now, 483 00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:54,028 which means I've been passed over more than 484 00:17:54,029 --> 00:17:55,509 the New York Jets secondary. 485 00:17:55,639 --> 00:17:57,554 [crowd laughing] 486 00:17:57,685 --> 00:18:01,123 I'd shoot myself, but there's no guns on this base. 487 00:18:02,516 --> 00:18:03,821 It's true. It's true. 488 00:18:03,952 --> 00:18:05,518 But I think, General Davidson, 489 00:18:05,519 --> 00:18:07,737 I should just pin these things on you now, 490 00:18:07,738 --> 00:18:09,565 because, let's face it, 491 00:18:09,566 --> 00:18:12,613 this is the closest I'm gonna get to enemy action ever. 492 00:18:12,743 --> 00:18:14,266 [crowd laughing] 493 00:18:14,267 --> 00:18:15,703 [applause] 494 00:18:15,833 --> 00:18:17,052 Whhoo! 495 00:18:22,971 --> 00:18:25,016 I will make sure this is the last smile 496 00:18:25,147 --> 00:18:26,148 you ever have on this base. 497 00:18:26,279 --> 00:18:29,542 - Okay, you miserable S.O.B. - Mm-hmm. 498 00:18:29,543 --> 00:18:30,631 - Colonel. - Yes. 499 00:18:30,761 --> 00:18:32,285 - Are you a hunting man? - I am indeed, sir. 500 00:18:33,764 --> 00:18:35,636 [indistinct chatter] 501 00:18:35,766 --> 00:18:37,767 General Davidson, may I have a word? 502 00:18:37,768 --> 00:18:41,859 I assume your father's speech was your doing? 503 00:18:41,990 --> 00:18:44,600 - Um-- - Impressive. 504 00:18:44,601 --> 00:18:48,127 Ah, sir, I know Perez is leaving the post in D.C. 505 00:18:49,780 --> 00:18:50,781 I want the job. 506 00:18:50,868 --> 00:18:52,392 You have a mind for politics. 507 00:18:52,522 --> 00:18:54,654 [laughs] Are you sure you're a Quinn? 508 00:18:54,655 --> 00:18:57,875 Trust me, I have been begging for a DNA test every Christmas. 509 00:18:58,006 --> 00:19:00,225 You know, when I sent your father here, the last thing 510 00:19:00,226 --> 00:19:02,749 I expected from him was change. 511 00:19:02,750 --> 00:19:06,101 I underestimated you. 512 00:19:06,232 --> 00:19:08,277 Your name will be at the top of the list, 513 00:19:08,408 --> 00:19:10,627 and maybe you should just keep your eye out 514 00:19:10,758 --> 00:19:12,715 for apartments in D.C.? 515 00:19:12,716 --> 00:19:13,935 [laughs] 516 00:19:14,022 --> 00:19:15,370 General, I got a couple 517 00:19:15,371 --> 00:19:17,764 - I want you to meet here. - Now, celebrate. 518 00:19:17,765 --> 00:19:19,158 - [whispering] Oh, my God! - Ah, we're all proud of you. 519 00:19:24,206 --> 00:19:26,600 Colonel, what's your game? 520 00:19:26,687 --> 00:19:29,342 Duck or turkey? 521 00:19:29,472 --> 00:19:32,822 Depends. Are we talking hunting or Davidson's ex-wives? 522 00:19:32,823 --> 00:19:34,346 [laughing] 523 00:19:34,347 --> 00:19:36,435 Are we sure we want to invite him on the trip? 524 00:19:36,436 --> 00:19:38,351 Ah, he wouldn't be any worse than your wet blanket 525 00:19:38,481 --> 00:19:39,568 nephew you made us bring along last year. 526 00:19:39,569 --> 00:19:41,570 Spent the whole weekend filming his food. 527 00:19:41,571 --> 00:19:43,660 Well, he's an idiot and my sister's up my butt 528 00:19:43,791 --> 00:19:46,009 to help him out, so I am going to give 529 00:19:46,010 --> 00:19:48,056 him Perez's old job in D.C. 530 00:19:48,143 --> 00:19:50,667 Wait, wasn't that a position 531 00:19:50,798 --> 00:19:52,452 that Captain Quinn was gonna be up for? 532 00:19:52,582 --> 00:19:54,453 The job's been off the table for months. 533 00:19:54,454 --> 00:19:57,718 Any suggestion otherwise was just politics. 534 00:19:57,848 --> 00:19:59,502 Captain Quinn maybe talented, 535 00:19:59,633 --> 00:20:02,025 but why create an enemy when you can just 536 00:20:02,026 --> 00:20:04,027 disappoint a friend? 537 00:20:04,028 --> 00:20:07,248 Well, I think Captain Quinn actually will end up in D.C. 538 00:20:07,249 --> 00:20:10,512 Because she's got more courage and integrity 539 00:20:10,513 --> 00:20:12,080 than all you numbnuts put together. 540 00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:14,037 - Excuse me? - Yeah. 541 00:20:14,038 --> 00:20:15,953 You know what, General King? 542 00:20:16,084 --> 00:20:18,129 The reason Marino never won a ring is because he had 543 00:20:18,260 --> 00:20:20,131 the pocket presence of a sloth. 544 00:20:20,262 --> 00:20:21,872 And, General Davidson, you're worse than 545 00:20:21,959 --> 00:20:24,571 all these pendulous boobs. You know why? They're idiots. 546 00:20:24,701 --> 00:20:26,747 They can't help it. You're just pretending to be one. 547 00:20:26,877 --> 00:20:28,617 - [man 1] Oh, the nerve. - You're not coming hunting! 548 00:20:28,618 --> 00:20:32,318 Fine! I don't shoot at anything that can't shoot back. 549 00:20:35,321 --> 00:20:37,104 - Hey. - Hey. 550 00:20:37,105 --> 00:20:38,453 - Did you hear that? - Yeah. 551 00:20:38,454 --> 00:20:39,890 Well... 552 00:20:39,977 --> 00:20:42,022 Had to make sure you weren't messing things up for us. 553 00:20:42,023 --> 00:20:44,547 Yeah, I kind of did. 554 00:20:44,634 --> 00:20:45,765 Yeah, but not in the way I thought you would. 555 00:20:45,766 --> 00:20:47,941 Hmm? 556 00:20:47,942 --> 00:20:50,118 Well, you're probably upset about the D.C. thing, right? 557 00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:51,858 Yeah, but don't worry. 558 00:20:51,859 --> 00:20:53,773 Davidson and them can't stop me if they try. 559 00:20:53,774 --> 00:20:55,122 Yeah. 560 00:20:55,123 --> 00:20:56,471 It sounded like you stood up 561 00:20:56,472 --> 00:20:58,605 for me in there. 562 00:20:58,735 --> 00:21:02,565 Well, it was mostly an attack of insult comic Tourette's. 563 00:21:02,696 --> 00:21:03,870 - Oh. - Yeah. 564 00:21:03,871 --> 00:21:05,002 It wasn't you being nice? 565 00:21:05,133 --> 00:21:06,743 It sounds to me like your 566 00:21:06,874 --> 00:21:09,572 oddly shaped head might be affecting your brain. 567 00:21:09,659 --> 00:21:13,096 Sounds to me like I successfully My Fair Lady'd you. 568 00:21:13,097 --> 00:21:15,056 - Hmmm. - Goodnight, Audrey. 569 00:21:16,797 --> 00:21:18,102 [laughing] 570 00:21:22,890 --> 00:21:25,065 You know, I think you're supposed to put 571 00:21:25,066 --> 00:21:26,675 the rum on the cake. 572 00:21:26,676 --> 00:21:28,983 Not if you're trying to get hammered. 573 00:21:29,113 --> 00:21:31,289 - You didn't get D.C.? - No. 574 00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:33,770 Davidson lied to my face about it. 575 00:21:33,901 --> 00:21:36,511 - You want some? - Uh, yeah. You got a fork? 576 00:21:36,512 --> 00:21:38,557 No, this is a Stroopsdorf special. 577 00:21:38,558 --> 00:21:40,603 - A Stroopsdorf special? - Yeah, no fork. Handcake. 578 00:21:40,734 --> 00:21:42,517 - Handcake? Wow. - Yeah. Doink. 579 00:21:42,518 --> 00:21:43,911 You just get right in there with that thing. 580 00:21:44,041 --> 00:21:45,869 - Mm-hmm. - Okay. 581 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:48,263 It's pretty good. I didn't wanna get it on my uniform. 582 00:21:48,394 --> 00:21:50,744 Yeah, that would-would be sad. 583 00:21:50,831 --> 00:21:52,354 [both laugh] 584 00:21:52,485 --> 00:21:54,574 [children] It's going so well!