Let's go.
- Doc.
She has no recollection
of the last eight years.
Bring it on.
I came here to help you.
"Kitchen Nightmares ”
Are you in.
And “Going Dutch ”
Pew pew pew.
First guns I've seen on the base.
Let's go, let's go.
All available now.
[instrumental music]
This is it. This is the day. Phones all set.
- Waiting for their call. - Ehhh...
- What? - They're not gonna call, sir.
You're supposed to go by actions, not words.
Based on my resume, I should already be a general.
You know that. I should already have my star.
Colonel, you viciously insulted
half the generals on the promotion board.
In a leaked video, that would make Christian Bale blush.
He had several valid points to make,
as did I in my leaked rant.
I know you love to achieve the impossible, but...
believing that you're gonna be promoted at this point?
- It's borderline delusional. - [telephone ringing]
Huh?
Colonel Patrick Quinn?
Big Dog! It's Papadakis!
[Elias] My sandwich guy came through!
A couple of us are going in on a six-foot sub. No knife.
We're just lining up, taking turns chopping that thing.
- [Elias] Tell me you're in! - Why would I...
Papadakis, I'm your commanding officer.
We are not friends.
[Elias] We're not friends yet,
'cause your generation is stupid.
- My generation is stupid? - [Elias] Emotionally.
- He's got a point. - [Elias] You're dumb as rocks...
emotionally is what I'm saying.
Get off my phone!
As I was saying, I just think it's
important that we recognize that
promotion requires a certain amount
of glad-handing that you're unwilling to do.
- Mm-hmm. Okay. - [telephone ringing]
[Woman 1] Colonel Quinn, I have an important
call from the promotion board.
Oh, yeah. Oh, put it through.
Oh, my God.
What did I tell you? Colonel Patrick Quinn.
Colonel, General Davidson here.
Hello, general, sir. How are you today, sir?
I have great news about your star.
- I can't wait to hear it, sir. - You didn't get it.
What? How would you know? You're not on the promotion board.
Well, I got the inside scoop
at one of General King's hunting trips.
- You know how those things go. - No, I-I don't, actually.
Right. Those trips are for stars only.
So here is the actual good news.
I'm getting my second star. And here's the best part.
I've decided to have my ceremony at Stroopsdorf.
- What? - [laughs]
You psyops guys never know
when to stop twisting the knife, do you?
Nonsense. I love Stroopsdorf's cheese.
And, of course, you will also be there
because that's where you are.
- [laughs] - [phone beeps]
[sighs] You were right.
- This is rock bottom. - [door opens]
Your generation only responds to in-person contact.
So I've ripped off the last two feet of this sub,
and I want us to Lady and The Tramp it.
That means you have to eat the other side.
I know.
I was wrong.
This is rock bottom.
[theme music]
That is amazing news.
Congrats.
I'm so happy for you. Bye-bye.
I am so happy for me.
I just found out that Colonel Jack Lee
is getting the promotion, and that's gonna
transfer him to USAG Bavaria.
Which means he'll take Captain Jensen with him,
and that means that there's an open spot
at USAG Benelux, and Captain Perez has been
gunning for a European transfer ever since
she started her post in D.C.
I'm nodding politely, but I need you to clarify.
There will be an open post in Washington, D.C.
That would mean, like, real networking opportunities
for my political career.
And it opens up in eight months.
Which lines up perfectly with my next promotion.
You have a murder board for your career?
All the victims are the ambitions of my enemies.
I love you, girl, but this is the kind of crazy
you can only share with me because nobody
else would understand.
Maggie!
I heard about Colonel Lee going to Bavaria.
- D.C. is so close! - Yes.
I came to watch you connect the final string.
Oh, don't mind if I do. Mhmm.
Ba-da-bing, baby.
Wait, why General King?
He oversees all the transfers in and out of Europe,
and he's gonna be at General Davidson's promotion tomorrow,
which means our girl is just inches away.
I just need five minutes with him
to prove I'm perfect for D.C.
Please, you can do it in two.
Oh, this is the colonel.
He says, "Can we do something fun
to General Davidson's dinner?
Laxatives? From the colonel."
Don't you love when boomers sign their texts?
But wait, the colonel hates Davidson.
He's gonna ruin the whole party for you.
I have got a plan to take him out.
Night-night, colonel.
You gonna kill your dad?
No, I'm just gonna convince him not to come to dinner.
- But have you thought about-- - Pills and a typed suicide note.
Solid plan.
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Hey.
You have a murder board, too.
Yeah, except mine's closer to actual murder.
I know. Tomorrow's probably gonna be hard.
Davidson getting his second star.
You haven't gotten your first.
I bet he buttered them up on that hunting trip.
I'm sure their camo blended well with all the pussy willows.
Ah, it's a shame you can't
make up an excuse and just skip the whole thing.
Food poisoning or something.
Then you'd have the night to yourself, to just relax
and do whatever it is
that you do in your free time.
Well, it's been a while since I made a knife.
Sorry?
When you stab a man with something that
you made, it just... means more.
Well, yeah. I mean, that sounds like a great Saturday night.
A little bit of wine, some knife stuff.
But you've gotta do the right thing.
Go celebrate the achievements of your worst enemy.
[sighs]
You know what? Screw it.
- I'm not doing it. - What?
I'm gonna stay here and make myself a big-ass Rambo knife.
- What do you think of that? - All right.
Sergeant Conway, we are way over budget for this reception.
A thousand dollars for an ice luge?
Major Shah, we do things with quality and panache.
And I'm not gonna let somebody so uptight mess that up.
Okay, I'm not uptight. I just have very good posture.
Because you've got a stick up your butt.
You needs to get laid, brother!
Okay, I don't take life advice from a drunk dude
in an 80s teen comedy.
- He might be on to something. - Mhm-hm.
- How long has it been? - It's none of your business.
Oh, so like two years?
Look, I don't have time to date, all right?
I'm in the middle of negotiating a very
complicated divorce across seven
time zones and two continents.
Between that...
and keeping you two in check...
- What are you doing? - What?
We've got to make sure it works.
Okay, look, I'm not really a one-night-stand kind of guy.
I have to connect with someone.
Well, maybe you weren't a
one-night-stand kind of guy.
But aren't you always saying
that Stroopsdorf is opening
you up to new things?
You know, I have been trying
to serve myself more.
And there's nothing more self-serving
than meaningless sex. So, all right.
Come on, guys. That's straight vodka.
[Abraham] We've got five here.
We need six more in there, okay?
- Hey. - Hey.
Listen, I was thinking tomorrow we bail on that party.
Grab some ribs, maybe. Go back to my place and watch "Cops."
Maybe I'll make you a knife.
Ah, you know, I love your knives.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Got enough of them already.
I was actually thinking about, um
going to that party tomorrow night.
- Oh. - Thinking it might be a nice...
opportunity for me to, uh, to meet someone.
- Yes. - [both] And get over the thing.
Right. That's a great idea.
You know, you sure you don't wanna go?
I mean, half the promotion board is gonna be there.
I know. I'd rather eat glass. You know that.
Look, I'm free tonight if you wanna just like--
You're fine. You go do your thing.
I've, I've got plenty of work to do.
Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, colonel, you're not gonna, like,
get drunk again and talk to Patton's gun, are you?
My God. How many times do I have to tell you?
I wasn't talking to the gun.
I was talking to myself near the gun.
I mean, it did sound like a conversation.
Your cadence shifted. You did call it sir at one point.
No, no, no. When I'm talking to myself, I call myself sir.
Because I'm not gonna drop the honorific. I earned it.
♪ He reaches for the bottle ♪
♪ But his hands don't take hold ♪
♪ His eyes just can't focus ♪
♪ He's out of control
You know,
not every man gets to fulfill his destiny, sir.
Thank God you're one of the ones who did.
♪ Who sits there all alone
"Fate will tap a man on the shoulder
and point out what fork in the road he should take,
and if he has the guts, he will take it.
General George S. Patton."
Holy crap. The gun does talk back.
I love you too, sir.
Listen, I'm definitely going to the star dinner, okay?
It's my destiny to be a general, and the only reason I'm not
is because General King and those dopes they think
I'm, ah, too abrasive.
- No. - Knock it off.
And I was talking to this friend of mine,
ex-military, and he said, "You know what,
you should just, you should just try to be nicer."
You were talking to the gun again?
You know what a better question is?
Why are people spying on me
when I'm at home in my private time?
So listen, I'm thinking, go to the dinner
and I charm General King, right?
And then he invites me on one of the hunting trips
and I charm him there. I'm gonna get my star.
Now the problem is, I will need to be...
I don't even wanna say this because it'll make me gag.
- I need-- - To be nice to him at a party?
Yeah, and I don't know how to do that.
- So I need your help. - Me?
People think you're really nice.
- I am actually nice. - I know.
Come on.
Having a general as a father
could be very good for my political career.
It'd be huge.
I am in. I will do it. I will...
My Fair Lady you.
Except you're not turning me into Audrey Hepburn,
you're making me less of a dick.
- Yeah. - Great. All right.
It would be easier to turn you into Audrey Hepburn.
[Maggie] Colonel, if either of us wants to advance
our careers tonight, it has to go well.
And the key to that for both of us is General King.
But he's such a two-faced weasel, this guy.
And all the other colonels are always
sucking up to him because they want their stars.
Their noses are browner than a UPS truck.
Well, what can brown do for you?
Make you a general, that's what.
August.
Gus King, the picture of a devoted family man.
Father of five daughters
and a Siberian husky named Dan Marino,
after his favorite player on his favorite team.
Big Miami Dolphins fan.
I can't be friends with a guy who's a Finns fan.
Okay. Which is why you will practice by
befriending a man you hate most.
- Hello? - No.
Much like a sprinter training with leg weights,
if you can suck up to Jan,
then everything else will seem easy.
Plus, he's also a family man.
Now, you're gonna find common ground with Jan.
Jan loves his family like King loves his family.
You could talk about how you love your family.
- Shouldn't be hard. - I, I love my family.
To him.
- I love my family. - Oh.
Certain members at certain times.
I've got the same kink.
Me and Renato, we have this wheel,
we take turns spinning, and it determines
the intensity of our love.
And, colonel, uhh,
sometimes it gets very intense.
I'm not engaging with Ziggy Stardutch, okay?
- Okay. Why are you roasting him? - I'm not.
It's like you have insult comic Tourette's.
No. I'm just impulsively honest.
[Patrick] It's one of my things that I've always...
God, the top of your head is so oddly shaped.
We should have kept that helmet on you when you were a baby.
But, no. Your mother said no.
[instrumental music]
Major Shah. You look good.
We scouted the room, and we found you
an XO who wants to sex-oh.
- What? - Hey.
She's smart. Funny.
All right, look, I haven't hit on a woman in a decade.
I, I don't know what I'm doing.
- What if everything's changed? - Oh, nothing's changed.
It's just natural human interaction.
You'll be fine. Just be yourself, okay?
- You got this. Get out of here. - Yeah, go be yourself.
- Okay, okay, shh. - Be all you can be.
- All right. - You got it.
Hey, guys. I need you.
Hi. I'm Major Abraham Shah.
Okay, squad.
The Colonel has learned absolutely nothing,
and we are completely out of time.
So, Papadakis, you're on damage control
for any conversational disaster.
Conway, you are on Davidson duty.
He will not stop until he embarrasses my dad,
and I can't have that, okay?
So keep them apart at all costs.
Let's trick everyone into thinking
my dad is not a monster, okay?
I've said that too many times in my life.
Ever since I've been here in the Netherlands,
it's like my brain is quiet enough to...
open up to new experiences.
You're not the guy I thought you were gonna be.
Okay, so you've been thinking about me.
Yeah, I've been following your career for a while.
You've been following me?
And you're even more
handsome in person.
I don't normally do this,
but maybe we could get out of here.
Isn't your office close by?
Yeah.
[clinking]
Let me just, yeah.
I'm ready.
Okay. Game time.
- Yeah. - There is King, okay.
He's talking to General Scott and his wife.
Please remember that both of our careers
depend on you not blowing this.
I know, I know.
- Here I go. - Okay.
General King, I hear you're one of those guys
who loves his family, huh.
I may have made a huge mistake.
[Maggie] Conway. Conway.
[clears throat]
Oh, general,
I have a question that only you can answer.
- Is that right? - Yeah, um...
I just need you to answer right over here.
Yes, all five daughters wanna be actresses. That's so lucky.
- Oh, we're very proud. - How's Marino doing?
Is he still chasing cars like old Danny Boy
was chasing Super Bowl rings?
- What? - My little Marino...
died three days ago.
- Oh. - He died right in my arm.
Oh, man. I-I, um...
That's tough, man.
Corporal, get over there.
[crying]
- Hey. What? - You're crying.
You okay, man? You okay, brother? Hey.
Corporal Elias Papadakis.
Is this some sort of prank, colonel?
It is a prank. Can you imagine if he was in the U.S. Army?
- Come on. - No, never.
He is a, a galoot. [laughs]
Galoot. Great word.
I am in the Army. I'm a cyber warrior.
[laughs]
I thought-I thought it would cheer you up.
Oh, colonel, this is just what I needed...
- ...to take my mind off Marino. - Good.
Maybe Davidson was wrong about you.
- He was wrong about me. - Cyber warrior.
- I know, right? - Yeah, I am.
[man 1] Yeah. That's so hot.
What...
[clicks]
Colonel O'Connor, what is happening? Who tied you up?
She did. I'm with her.
- No, no, no, no. I'm with her. - Actually, you're both with me.
I told you I was into stuff.
- This is the stuff? - Major Clark and I are married.
We like to keep things spicy.
Now, before we get going, let's talk
boundaries and comfort levels.
I'm not comfortable with any of this.
You said you were open to new experiences.
I meant like cold plunges and savory
pancakes that are huge but thin.
I wish you would have told me you were a prude.
I'm not a prude. Okay? The line can't be this and then prude.
There's gotta be something in between
vanilla sex and a devil's three-way.
Relax. I just watch.
Unless you wanna blindfold me.
- I don't wanna do that. - Honestly.
Theater of the mind is even better.
So I will be much louder.
Okay, I'm really sorry, but this is just too weird for me.
Kink shame much?
Of all the times
I've been tied to a chair,
I've never felt disrespected.
Until now.
Okay, colonel, you're my commanding officer.
I know. That's what makes it hot.
You giving up so early?
Yeah, because you told me that nothing
has changed, but everything has changed.
I put my toe into the dating pool and it'll
never be the same. Is two-person sex over?
I don't know. I've never done it.
What?
Sir, sorry to interrupt,
but I know you're in charge of transfers
in and out of Europe, so I wanted to--
Let me stop you there, captain.
With a second star, that's General Davidson's job now.
[Maggie] Great. Excuse me.
- There you are, colonel. - Hey, general.
Sergeant Conway was trying to keep me away from you.
[laughs]
Your distractions won't work on me.
I didn't come here for cheese. I came here to embarrass you.
- What else could I do for you? - Something humiliating.
I want you to personally present my second star.
Let's see how you do up on stage
with no one to protect you from being you.
Okay.
Oh, it's a good thing you didn't make that knife.
Oh, I think I could put something together on the quick.
Yeah.
[instrumental music]
[indistinct chatter]
[Patrick] Hey.
Davidson is more triggering to you
than the word triggering is.
I should just kiss D.C. goodbye, right?
Because there's no chance you go out there and not insult him.
I'm gonna insult somebody, and he's in the splash zone, so...
I have someone for you to insult.
- Who? What do you mean? - You.
Self-deprecation. I mean, people love when I make fun of myself.
What would I make fun of?
Okay.
Try to think about how much you want to be general.
Got it.
[Patrick] All right.
There are so many things...
I could say about General Davidson.
So... many things.
But, uh, let me start by saying thank you, General Davidson,
for inviting me to do this, because this is the closest
I'm ever gonna get to a star.
[crowd laughing]
You know, I've been a colonel for over a decade now,
which means I've been passed over more than
the New York Jets secondary.
[crowd laughing]
I'd shoot myself, but there's no guns on this base.
It's true. It's true.
But I think, General Davidson,
I should just pin these things on you now,
because, let's face it,
this is the closest I'm gonna get to enemy action ever.
[crowd laughing]
[applause]
Whhoo!
I will make sure this is the last smile
you ever have on this base.
- Okay, you miserable S.O.B. - Mm-hmm.
- Colonel. - Yes.
- Are you a hunting man? - I am indeed, sir.
[indistinct chatter]
General Davidson, may I have a word?
I assume your father's speech was your doing?
- Um-- - Impressive.
Ah, sir, I know Perez is leaving the post in D.C.
I want the job.
You have a mind for politics.
[laughs] Are you sure you're a Quinn?
Trust me, I have been begging for a DNA test every Christmas.
You know, when I sent your father here, the last thing
I expected from him was change.
I underestimated you.
Your name will be at the top of the list,
and maybe you should just keep your eye out
for apartments in D.C.?
[laughs]
General, I got a couple
- I want you to meet here. - Now, celebrate.
- [whispering] Oh, my God! - Ah, we're all proud of you.
Colonel, what's your game?
Duck or turkey?
Depends. Are we talking hunting or Davidson's ex-wives?
[laughing]
Are we sure we want to invite him on the trip?
Ah, he wouldn't be any worse than your wet blanket
nephew you made us bring along last year.
Spent the whole weekend filming his food.
Well, he's an idiot and my sister's up my butt
to help him out, so I am going to give
him Perez's old job in D.C.
Wait, wasn't that a position
that Captain Quinn was gonna be up for?
The job's been off the table for months.
Any suggestion otherwise was just politics.
Captain Quinn maybe talented,
but why create an enemy when you can just
disappoint a friend?
Well, I think Captain Quinn actually will end up in D.C.
Because she's got more courage and integrity
than all you numbnuts put together.
- Excuse me? - Yeah.
You know what, General King?
The reason Marino never won a ring is because he had
the pocket presence of a sloth.
And, General Davidson, you're worse than
all these pendulous boobs. You know why? They're idiots.
They can't help it. You're just pretending to be one.
- [man 1] Oh, the nerve. - You're not coming hunting!
Fine! I don't shoot at anything that can't shoot back.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Did you hear that? - Yeah.
Well...
Had to make sure you weren't messing things up for us.
Yeah, I kind of did.
Yeah, but not in the way I thought you would.
Hmm?
Well, you're probably upset about the D.C. thing, right?
Yeah, but don't worry.
Davidson and them can't stop me if they try.
Yeah.
It sounded like you stood up
for me in there.
Well, it was mostly an attack of insult comic Tourette's.
- Oh. - Yeah.
It wasn't you being nice?
It sounds to me like your
oddly shaped head might be affecting your brain.
Sounds to me like I successfully My Fair Lady'd you.
- Hmmm. - Goodnight, Audrey.
[laughing]
You know, I think you're supposed to put
the rum on the cake.
Not if you're trying to get hammered.
- You didn't get D.C.? - No.
Davidson lied to my face about it.
- You want some? - Uh, yeah. You got a fork?
No, this is a Stroopsdorf special.
- A Stroopsdorf special? - Yeah, no fork. Handcake.
- Handcake? Wow. - Yeah. Doink.
You just get right in there with that thing.
- Mm-hmm. - Okay.
It's pretty good. I didn't wanna get it on my uniform.
Yeah, that would-would be sad.
[both laugh]
[children] It's going so well!