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(melancholy music)

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(melancholy music continues)

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- [Announcer] And now,
please welcome to the stage,

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Hank Green!
(audience cheering)

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- Hello!

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(Hank laughing)

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Oh man.

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So I got cancer.
(audience laughing)

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Thanks for that laugh line.

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I have been in remission for this long.

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(audience cheering)

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That's why they make your hair fall out,

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so that you have a measuring
stick of how you're doing,

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how long you've been okay.

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Actually, no, the hair
falls out because they say

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any fast growing cell gets
killed by the chemotherapy.

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And I'm like, what are my hair cells doing

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that they're growing so fast?

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I've got lots of cells.
Why are they special?

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They're just secreting hair all day.

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But that's not actually what happens.

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I found out how hairs
work, and it makes sense.

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The problem is that it's gross,

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and I'm going to tell
you, and you can't leave.

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(audience laughing)

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So at the base of your hair follicles,

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there's a bunch of little cells,

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and they're constantly
dividing, and as they do,

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they push the cells higher and higher,

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and as they get higher and higher,

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they fill themselves up
with the protein keratin,

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and then as they get even higher,

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they just eject all of their organelles,

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and then their cytoplasm,
and then they dry out,

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and then they stick together
and they become the hair.

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All the lovely hairs, they smell so good.

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It's just very long stacks of dead cells.

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I find this super gross.

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(audience laughing)

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They were like, how are we
going to make mammals happen?

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And evolution was like,

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(accent) "you're not
going to believe my idea."

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(audience laughing)

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And then your hair can change.

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I haven't quite figured this one out yet.

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People argue about it, but
you can get curly hair.

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Mine came back curly,

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so now I know what it's like
for the curly haired people.

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I get to be like you people,
and here's what it's like.

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I'm going to tell the
straight hairs about it.

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It's better, but it's harder.

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I would tell you why it's harder,

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but the curly hair people know,
and the straight hair people

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aren't my people anymore
and I don't care about them.

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(audience laughing)

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When it started being curly,

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I was thinking maybe I was going to get

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that sort of Jeremy Allen
White situation going on.

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Like, swoopy-doopy.

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I got the Mark Zuckerberg
situation instead.

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(audience laughing)

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Which, I don't want to
hate on Mark Zuckerberg

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because of the way that he looks,

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because there's all the other reasons.

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So I'm just hoping it gets long,

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and then I get to Jeremy
Allen White eventually.

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So I've been going to the gym a lot.

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Nothing's happening.

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I don't know, how much do
you have to go to the gym

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for something to happen?

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So far, all it's changed
is I can jump again.

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Chemo's bad for jumping, but watch me now.

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(audience cheering)

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I know. (laughing) Feels good.

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When you do a jump and
you don't go anywhere,

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you're like, oh, this is bad.

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But that's not one of
the good parts of cancer.

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That's one of the bad parts.

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But I got one of the good parts,

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which is like, I got curly hair.

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That's fun. But there's other good parts.

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No one talks about the good parts.

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Ah, what do I like about cancer?

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I didn't have to do Zoom calls anymore,

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(audience cheering)

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which is amazing, because I've had cancer

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and been on Zoom calls,
and cancer's worse,

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but I thought about it for a second.

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People will do stuff for you.

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You just ask, and they have to.

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If they don't, they're a terrible person.

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And if they do, they get
to feel like a good person.

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You ask somebody to drive you
to the airport in this town,

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they're like, how much cancer do you have?

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(audience laughing)

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I have a friend who tweeted,

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I'm going to go get a big sandwich.

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And I texted them and I said, get me one.

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(audience laughing)

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And then a half an hour later,

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they were at my house with a big sandwich,

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and then we sat on my
porch in the Montana summer

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and ate big sandwiches together

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like it was a root beer commercial,

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if root beer had commercials,

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which it doesn't need to, so it doesn't.

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But if they did, it would be like that.

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And I was like, everybody
should get cancer!

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(audience laughing)

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So, hair falls out everywhere,

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but it falls out first anywhere
there's a lot of friction,

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which sounds kind of like, ooh!

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But it's the butt crack.

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(audience laughing)

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When I had it, I was like,
well, there's got to be reason.

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I don't get what it could be.

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It seems like a bad idea to have hair

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where the poop comes from, but
there's got to be a reason.

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And then I didn't, and I
was like, there's no reason.

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This is better.

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(audience laughing)

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It's like a water slide down
there, and it's awesome.

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(audience laughing)

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My job is to know this
stuff, and so I'm like,

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evolution, what are you thinking?

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(accent) "There's a
selective pressure towards

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butt crack hair."

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I'm like, I don't think
there is. I did the math.

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I've experienced the experiment.

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"No, there is. I promise, I just like..."

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Did you say you just like it?

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"You cannot kink shame evolution."

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(audience laughing)

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"Do not yuck my yums."

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"And can you even do a
German accent anymore?"

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Yeah, no, that's going to be
the last one it's weird to do,

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'cause you know what you did.

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They give you a free
therapist. That's fun.

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I actually am not 100%
sure that it's free,

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because I did something
really interesting.

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I hit my out of pocket maximum.

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(audience cheering)
Yeah. Yes.

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Yes, the traditional American
out of pocket maximum.

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If you don't know what it is,
I won't explain it to you,

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because it's too sad of an idea.

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(audience laughing)

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So I guess the idea is, basically,

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if you spend enough money
for like two months,

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they treat you like a Canadian.

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(audience laughing)

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If you get sick early
enough in the year, though,

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when I first got sick, several times,

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I would be at the hospital
and people would be like,

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well, at least this
happened early in the year.

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And I was like, did you
have an office pool?

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(audience laughing)

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I don't know why that would
be, but I guess you walk in

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in February with a significant diagnosis

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and a party popper goes
off and a little siren.

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(mimics siren) Congratulations!

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We just want to add some casino fun vibes

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to serious illness in America.

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So those are some good parts.

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There's also bad parts of cancer.

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I don't know if you've heard about this.

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The big concern with
my cancer specifically,

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the chemo I was getting,
it's a blood cancer,

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so they're going after
your white blood cells.

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So you have to be watching out

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for any sign of infection at
all, and I thought I had a UTI,

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'cause my pee was cloudy and
my dick hurt and that's it.

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I think that's the things.

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So I called my doctor and I
was like, I think I have a UTI,

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'cause my dick is cloudy and my pee hurts.

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That's, nope.
(audience laughing)

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We're having a good time.

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And he was like, come on in.

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And I peed in a cup, and he
looked at it in the light,

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and then he gave it a little sniff,

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and then he drank a little, just a sip,

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(audience laughing)

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and then he sent it to the lab.

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That part was just for fun.

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No, he's not into pee, my
doctor. He's a good guy.

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Good guys can be into pee.

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(audience laughing)

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He sent it to the lab.

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It comes back, and he's
like, you do not have a UTI.

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And I'm like, dope, but
still, dick hurts, pee cloudy.

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And he's like, well,

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the penis pain is a
symptom of chemotherapy.

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And I'm like, sir!

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You gave me a list of
chemotherapy symptoms.

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It was very long, and I
would've seen dick pain.

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I read the whole thing,
and even if I hadn't,

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I feel like it would've
jumped off the page, you know?

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He was like, well, we don't
put everything on the list.

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It would be kind of
overwhelming and scary.

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And I was like, what?

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Because it's not been overwhelming
and scary at all so far.

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And I was like, well, what
about the cloudy pee, then?

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He said, well, that's the cancer.

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And I said, what?

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The cancer makes your pee cloudy?

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And he said, no. That's the cancer.

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The chemotherapy kills the cells.

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They explode, and then all
their lipids and proteins

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end up in the space between your cells.

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That gets picked up by
your lymphatic system,

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and then dumped into
the circulatory system,

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and then filtered out by your kidneys

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and put into your bladder,

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and then you pee it out into the toilet.

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And I was like, Doc!

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You gotta tell people about that.

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You gotta tell people about
that! That's very empowering!

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You're telling me that
when I see the cloudy pee,

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I'm succeeding at killing cancer?

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And then I flush it into
the sewer where it belongs?

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Everybody who's taking
chemotherapy or doing radiation

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should get out of bed, but
they should stand up to pee,

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and they should do it
like this. (screaming)

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Fuck you!

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I don't care what equipment you
have. You can figure it out.

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Feel like you can do it?

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Yeah, all right.

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(audience laughing)

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Hi, I'm Hank.

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Hi, Jolena. Nice to meet you.

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So, a lot of people want
to know how I figured out

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that I had cancer, what's
the story of the diagnosis.

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People want it because
it's going to help them

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in their journey.

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It probably won't, because
every cancer's very different,

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but I'll tell you my story.

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I had a swollen lymph node in my armpit.

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It was hard and weird,
and I went to my doctor,

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and she's like, well, you
did just have shingles

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right there, so it's probably that,

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but I'll send you to get an ultrasound.

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And it's like you got a baby
in you, but it's cancer,

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so it was wand-ing over the thing,

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and she's very calm, the ultrasound tech.

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Just clicking on the screen.
I don't know what she's doing.

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And at the end of it,
I'm wiping up the gel,

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and she says, I'm going to go see

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if I can go find a doctor.
(audience groaning)

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Oh no. This is America.

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I have to wait to see a doctor, I'm sorry.

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But no, five minutes later, I was having

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00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:43,730
the first involuntary doctor's
appointment of my life.

252
00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:46,400
And he came in, man, I've
never seen him before,

253
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:48,830
still never seen him again,
he came into the room,

254
00:10:48,830 --> 00:10:52,010
and he says all the things
that the ultrasound tech knew,

255
00:10:52,010 --> 00:10:53,420
but couldn't say legally.

256
00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:56,150
He tells me that my lymph
nodes are very large.

257
00:10:56,150 --> 00:10:57,750
I'm like, thank you. I've heard.

258
00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:01,760
He says that my fatty hilum has been lost.

259
00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:03,650
I don't know where it went.

260
00:11:03,650 --> 00:11:05,510
Still don't even know what that is.

261
00:11:05,510 --> 00:11:08,000
And then he tells me that
my vasculature is abnormal,

262
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:09,201
and I'm like, rude!

263
00:11:09,201 --> 00:11:10,709
(audience laughing)

264
00:11:10,709 --> 00:11:14,630
And then he says I need
a biopsy immediately,

265
00:11:14,630 --> 00:11:19,630
and we can do it in the room
now, if I get a needle biopsy,

266
00:11:20,603 --> 00:11:22,280
where they just stick a big fat needle in

267
00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:23,113
and pull some cells out,

268
00:11:23,113 --> 00:11:25,130
but we might not get
enough cells that way,

269
00:11:25,130 --> 00:11:27,530
so we should probably,
and this is my choice,

270
00:11:27,530 --> 00:11:30,920
we should probably just
remove a full lymph node

271
00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:32,810
and do a surgical biopsy that way,

272
00:11:32,810 --> 00:11:35,873
so they have lots of cells,
and we can do that tomorrow.

273
00:11:38,420 --> 00:11:40,857
He was very matter of fact about this,

274
00:11:40,857 --> 00:11:42,560
and he was like, and it might be nothing.

275
00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:45,200
He didn't give me a percentage of chance

276
00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:47,000
that it might be nothing, so I was like,

277
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:48,260
well, it might be nothing.

278
00:11:48,260 --> 00:11:49,340
And he gives me the paperwork

279
00:11:49,340 --> 00:11:52,160
to go down to the day
surgery with, I fill it out,

280
00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:54,470
I hand it to the woman
at day surgery reception,

281
00:11:54,470 --> 00:11:57,350
and I'm like, "Here," and
she's like, "Oh, hand delivery!

282
00:11:57,350 --> 00:11:58,910
You know you could just mail this in."

283
00:11:58,910 --> 00:12:01,400
And I said, well, surgery is tomorrow,

284
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:03,830
so I figured I should hand it to you now.

285
00:12:03,830 --> 00:12:07,557
And then she said, ah, procrastinator!

286
00:12:07,557 --> 00:12:10,557
(audience laughing)

287
00:12:14,090 --> 00:12:15,410
'Cause she thinks that I have

288
00:12:15,410 --> 00:12:17,600
some kind of fun young man thing.

289
00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:22,190
I'm here to get my vasectomy,
or I lifted a log too hard,

290
00:12:22,190 --> 00:12:24,833
like I played a sport
too much, but look at me.

291
00:12:26,390 --> 00:12:29,297
What sport am I doing?

292
00:12:29,297 --> 00:12:32,614
Did I get yo-yo finger,
that I need repaired?

293
00:12:32,614 --> 00:12:35,930
(mimics yo-yo whirring) Ow!

294
00:12:35,930 --> 00:12:38,060
Oh, it's still down there. It's sleeping.

295
00:12:38,060 --> 00:12:43,053
Ah, yeah. (mimics yo-yo
whirring elaborately)

296
00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:50,563
(audience cheering)

297
00:12:50,563 --> 00:12:52,133
Thanks. I'm not done.

298
00:12:55,965 --> 00:12:59,463
(audience oohing)

299
00:12:59,463 --> 00:13:02,463
(audience cheering)

300
00:13:06,620 --> 00:13:09,352
Thank you. It's a lot easier
when you don't have a yo-yo.

301
00:13:09,352 --> 00:13:12,118
(audience laughing)

302
00:13:12,118 --> 00:13:14,920
I didn't have yo-yo finger,
and when I told her,

303
00:13:16,820 --> 00:13:20,150
in fact, that surgery was scheduled today,

304
00:13:20,150 --> 00:13:22,250
her face changed very fast,

305
00:13:22,250 --> 00:13:25,340
and in a way that made me feel not great.

306
00:13:25,340 --> 00:13:27,560
She knows that you don't get surgery

307
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:29,300
faster than that unless you have, like,

308
00:13:29,300 --> 00:13:31,750
a piece of a Kia Sorento
currently inside of you.

309
00:13:32,810 --> 00:13:34,550
But I didn't know that,
and when her face changed,

310
00:13:34,550 --> 00:13:37,400
it's like you're on a plane
and there's a lot of turbulence

311
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:38,390
and the planes making a funny noise,

312
00:13:38,390 --> 00:13:39,470
and you look over at the flight attendant,

313
00:13:39,470 --> 00:13:41,510
and they look fine, you're
like, okay, it's fine.

314
00:13:41,510 --> 00:13:42,590
It's like in that situation,

315
00:13:42,590 --> 00:13:44,683
you look at the flight
attendant, and they're crying.

316
00:13:45,530 --> 00:13:48,980
And it's sort of weird
that in this moment,

317
00:13:48,980 --> 00:13:50,930
I am in the uncanny valley

318
00:13:50,930 --> 00:13:52,400
version of the American healthcare system

319
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:54,950
where it starts to work
really fast and efficiently,

320
00:13:54,950 --> 00:13:57,020
and it's great that that part exists,

321
00:13:57,020 --> 00:13:59,720
but it's terrifying and upsetting.

322
00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:02,501
It's like you came home and
your dog is doing chores.

323
00:14:02,501 --> 00:14:04,610
(audience laughing)

324
00:14:04,610 --> 00:14:06,034
It's like you walk in and he's like...

325
00:14:06,034 --> 00:14:08,840
♪ He-mo-ni-mo, ba-doop bi-ga-boo-gee ♪

326
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:10,493
The dog chore song.

327
00:14:12,228 --> 00:14:13,190
And you're like, "What are you doing?"

328
00:14:13,190 --> 00:14:14,490
And it's like, "Sweeping."

329
00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:17,480
Okay, you haven't really been

330
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:19,580
pulling your weight around here.

331
00:14:19,580 --> 00:14:20,990
He's doing a pretty good job.

332
00:14:20,990 --> 00:14:23,990
Not as good as a cat
would do, but pretty good.

333
00:14:23,990 --> 00:14:25,310
And you're like, okay, it's cute,

334
00:14:25,310 --> 00:14:26,690
but then you notice he's got hands now,

335
00:14:26,690 --> 00:14:29,123
and you're like, actually,
I don't like that.

336
00:14:30,260 --> 00:14:33,620
Your job is to cuddle, not chores.

337
00:14:33,620 --> 00:14:36,020
I love it, but I need you to stop anyway.

338
00:14:36,020 --> 00:14:37,730
That's what I felt like. I was
like, the dog's doing chores.

339
00:14:37,730 --> 00:14:39,560
He needs to stop doing chores.

340
00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:41,870
And then the healthcare
system goes back to being

341
00:14:41,870 --> 00:14:44,633
a normal dog again for a
while, and I also hated that.

342
00:14:46,100 --> 00:14:50,390
It took like 10 days before I
got the biopsy results back,

343
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:54,170
and so I called my surgeon,
and I was like, hey.

344
00:14:54,170 --> 00:14:55,700
When do I find out about this?

345
00:14:55,700 --> 00:14:57,470
Because I've eaten my whole tongue.

346
00:14:57,470 --> 00:14:59,510
I am not doing good over here.

347
00:14:59,510 --> 00:15:01,250
And she says, okay, come in.

348
00:15:01,250 --> 00:15:02,840
I want to look at your incision anyway.

349
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:04,490
I want to check and see
if it's healing well,

350
00:15:04,490 --> 00:15:06,590
and I'll call them in the meantime.

351
00:15:06,590 --> 00:15:08,180
And so I do. She comes in.

352
00:15:08,180 --> 00:15:11,120
She's poking my armpit, which
is where the incision was.

353
00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:12,120
That's not just fun.

354
00:15:13,275 --> 00:15:15,980
And she says, A+. You're healing so well.

355
00:15:15,980 --> 00:15:18,560
And I'm like, A+? That's how
you become my best friend.

356
00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:20,753
Just give me a grade. I'm 43 years old.

357
00:15:21,890 --> 00:15:24,146
Just trying to get As still.

358
00:15:24,146 --> 00:15:26,060
I'm trying to get an A in cancer.

359
00:15:26,060 --> 00:15:27,893
This whole thing is extra credit.

360
00:15:29,058 --> 00:15:32,210
And then she says, and I called them,

361
00:15:32,210 --> 00:15:34,070
and they say that you have cancer,

362
00:15:34,070 --> 00:15:35,820
but they're not sure what kind yet.

363
00:15:38,704 --> 00:15:40,670
(Hank retches)

364
00:15:40,670 --> 00:15:42,170
I thought those two pieces of information

365
00:15:42,170 --> 00:15:44,180
came at the same time,
but here's the situation.

366
00:15:44,180 --> 00:15:47,150
I had asked her to tell me
what she knew, and she did,

367
00:15:47,150 --> 00:15:48,821
which, my bad.

368
00:15:48,821 --> 00:15:50,780
(audience laughing)

369
00:15:50,780 --> 00:15:52,490
I didn't want that.

370
00:15:52,490 --> 00:15:53,600
I didn't want, you have cancer,

371
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:54,680
but we're not sure what kind yet.

372
00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:56,180
But she didn't know that. I told her.

373
00:15:56,180 --> 00:15:59,660
But I, in my job, regularly
know things and don't say them.

374
00:15:59,660 --> 00:16:01,673
That's the only way to exist on Twitter.

375
00:16:03,380 --> 00:16:06,050
Some people don't learn that
lesson, though. Over and over.

376
00:16:06,050 --> 00:16:08,683
You can buy the whole platform
and not learn that lesson.

377
00:16:09,679 --> 00:16:12,890
(audience applauding)

378
00:16:12,890 --> 00:16:17,540
So, I had pictured this
situation like I see on TV,

379
00:16:17,540 --> 00:16:20,870
where there is a big desk
and there's an oncologist

380
00:16:20,870 --> 00:16:23,180
behind the desk, and there's
books behind the oncologist,

381
00:16:23,180 --> 00:16:24,530
and you're sitting at the desk,

382
00:16:24,530 --> 00:16:25,760
and they're going to
tell you the situation,

383
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:27,980
and then House walks in
and he's like, Wilson!

384
00:16:27,980 --> 00:16:29,680
And Wilson's like, not now, House!

385
00:16:30,740 --> 00:16:32,899
I'm trying to tell this
young man that he has cancer,

386
00:16:32,899 --> 00:16:34,340
but we're not sure what kind yet.

387
00:16:34,340 --> 00:16:36,200
And then House is like, Wilson...

388
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:38,750
Oh, actually, that's helped
me figure out the key

389
00:16:38,750 --> 00:16:41,550
to the diagnosis that we've
been working on all episode!

390
00:16:42,590 --> 00:16:43,790
But it wasn't like that.

391
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:48,830
It was a normal doctor's
office with the little bed

392
00:16:48,830 --> 00:16:50,960
that's not long enough to be a bed,

393
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:52,607
and the thing comes
out of the bottom of it

394
00:16:52,607 --> 00:16:55,580
and it's still not long
enough to be a bed,

395
00:16:55,580 --> 00:16:57,710
and there's the crinkled
paper on top of it.

396
00:16:57,710 --> 00:16:58,970
So I'm sitting on the crinkled paper

397
00:16:58,970 --> 00:17:01,532
like the world's saddest
Reese's Peanut Butter Cup,

398
00:17:01,532 --> 00:17:02,750
(audience laughing)

399
00:17:02,750 --> 00:17:03,830
and I find out I have cancer,

400
00:17:03,830 --> 00:17:06,410
but we're not sure what kind
yet, so I lean back to cry,

401
00:17:06,410 --> 00:17:08,000
and the crinkled paper's like, crinkle!

402
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:10,250
And I'm like, fuck you! No!

403
00:17:10,250 --> 00:17:15,230
That's not the vibe right
now! And then she...

404
00:17:15,230 --> 00:17:16,403
What does the paper do?

405
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,480
If you rip the paper, they're
not like, quick, get up!

406
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:22,430
We've got to do new paper!

407
00:17:22,430 --> 00:17:23,263
Paper does nothing.

408
00:17:23,263 --> 00:17:24,890
The paper's there because in the 60s,

409
00:17:24,890 --> 00:17:26,870
the man who owned the paper was friends

410
00:17:26,870 --> 00:17:28,700
with the man who owned the hospital,

411
00:17:28,700 --> 00:17:30,350
and then ever since then,
if you get rid of the paper,

412
00:17:30,350 --> 00:17:32,650
people will walk in and
be like, what is this?

413
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,860
Is this a dentist? I don't
trust this, there's no...

414
00:17:36,860 --> 00:17:38,886
I need it to be wrapped, but badly.

415
00:17:38,886 --> 00:17:43,370
(audience laughing)

416
00:17:43,370 --> 00:17:45,590
It doesn't cover much of the space.

417
00:17:45,590 --> 00:17:47,390
Maybe the paper will
get thinner and thinner,

418
00:17:47,390 --> 00:17:48,560
and in the year 2050,

419
00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:50,780
it'll just be a thin
strip down the middle.

420
00:17:50,780 --> 00:17:52,010
Then they'll be like, this is silly.

421
00:17:52,010 --> 00:17:52,843
We should get rid of it.

422
00:17:52,843 --> 00:17:54,760
And that's how we can finally get there.

423
00:17:55,670 --> 00:17:57,870
We need to start working
toward that future.

424
00:17:59,512 --> 00:18:01,850
(mimics paper whooshing) Paper.

425
00:18:01,850 --> 00:18:04,370
So I'm on the paper, and
she tells me some stuff,

426
00:18:04,370 --> 00:18:06,740
very useful information about
where we might go from here,

427
00:18:06,740 --> 00:18:08,240
and then she's like, okay,

428
00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:09,860
you can have the room as long as you want.

429
00:18:09,860 --> 00:18:11,093
It's your place.

430
00:18:12,770 --> 00:18:13,853
And then she leaves.

431
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:16,490
And 30 seconds later, I'm like, okay,

432
00:18:16,490 --> 00:18:17,990
she said I could stay as long as I want,

433
00:18:17,990 --> 00:18:20,042
but like, what's the right amount of time?

434
00:18:20,042 --> 00:18:20,940
(audience laughing)

435
00:18:20,940 --> 00:18:22,250
'Cause if I leave right now,

436
00:18:22,250 --> 00:18:23,690
I feel like she's going
to look at me and be like,

437
00:18:23,690 --> 00:18:25,970
he's not processing this at all.

438
00:18:25,970 --> 00:18:27,820
That's not an emotionally mature man.

439
00:18:28,850 --> 00:18:31,310
But you also can't DoorDash Taco Bell

440
00:18:31,310 --> 00:18:32,474
to the doctor's office.

441
00:18:32,474 --> 00:18:36,230
(audience laughing)

442
00:18:36,230 --> 00:18:37,063
Eventually they're going to be like,

443
00:18:37,063 --> 00:18:39,080
okay, we got other patients.

444
00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:41,930
You don't have to go home,
but you can't stay here.

445
00:18:41,930 --> 00:18:45,537
Every new beginning comes from
some other beginning's end.

446
00:18:45,537 --> 00:18:48,650
(audience clapping)

447
00:18:48,650 --> 00:18:51,380
Matchbox 20, fuck you! I didn't
need to hear that right now!

448
00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:53,360
I didn't think my beginning
would be the beginning

449
00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:55,880
that had to end for someone
else's beginning to begin.

450
00:18:55,880 --> 00:19:00,050
So I realize in this
moment that I'm still me.

451
00:19:00,050 --> 00:19:01,610
I have cancer, but I'm still me.

452
00:19:01,610 --> 00:19:03,200
I just got told I might die,

453
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,390
and I'm worried about what
people are going to think

454
00:19:05,390 --> 00:19:06,971
when I leave the cancer room.

455
00:19:06,971 --> 00:19:10,880
Is it going to be the right
time or the wrong? I don't know.

456
00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:12,590
Most of the people don't know anything.

457
00:19:12,590 --> 00:19:15,020
There's rules around medical documents.

458
00:19:15,020 --> 00:19:17,014
It's a doctor's office, not Mar-a-Lago.

459
00:19:17,014 --> 00:19:20,090
(audience laughing)

460
00:19:20,090 --> 00:19:24,140
So I finally get up and I
try to exude normal vibes

461
00:19:24,140 --> 00:19:26,960
as I walk out of the doctor's,
but they're bad normal vibes,

462
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,886
so it's like, I'm normal!

463
00:19:28,886 --> 00:19:29,803
Normal day!

464
00:19:31,550 --> 00:19:33,920
I go downstairs and I sort
of enter into the universe

465
00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:35,450
that we all inhabit together,

466
00:19:35,450 --> 00:19:37,940
beautiful universe that we get to have,

467
00:19:37,940 --> 00:19:40,280
and I remember very clearly

468
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:43,040
that I wanted to have a big, nice thought.

469
00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:45,620
I wanted to see something,
see a butterfly float by,

470
00:19:45,620 --> 00:19:49,133
and be like, that butterfly
is beautiful, and temporary,

471
00:19:50,854 --> 00:19:53,691
and we're just a part of
the long story of life,

472
00:19:53,691 --> 00:19:56,540
and it's been a long time, and
it's going to be a long time,

473
00:19:56,540 --> 00:19:58,070
and we were never going to
be here for a long time.

474
00:19:58,070 --> 00:19:59,180
I don't know how long butterflies...

475
00:19:59,180 --> 00:20:00,031
I do. Live.

476
00:20:00,031 --> 00:20:02,840
(audience laughing)

477
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:06,590
But, like, you know, it's
short, and so is life.

478
00:20:06,590 --> 00:20:10,053
Human life is short. Different
shorts, but still short.

479
00:20:10,053 --> 00:20:12,315
I don't see a butterfly, though, you know?

480
00:20:12,315 --> 00:20:13,760
I see an office park.

481
00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:17,540
I see, to the left, is
the worst road in my town.

482
00:20:17,540 --> 00:20:20,120
It's the one that has the
meat processing plant on it,

483
00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:24,020
and it's got a funeral home,

484
00:20:24,020 --> 00:20:25,793
and it's got jail,

485
00:20:27,380 --> 00:20:29,747
and also juvie co-located with the jail,

486
00:20:29,747 --> 00:20:31,670
and it's got a mini storage,

487
00:20:31,670 --> 00:20:34,760
and you know there's
something bad hidden in there.

488
00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:36,650
So I look at the road, and
in between me and the road,

489
00:20:36,650 --> 00:20:38,030
there's a ditch, and in the ditch,

490
00:20:38,030 --> 00:20:39,500
there's cups, 'cause no one ever cares

491
00:20:39,500 --> 00:20:40,910
about the world when they're on this road.

492
00:20:40,910 --> 00:20:42,500
They just fucking throw
things out the window.

493
00:20:42,500 --> 00:20:45,230
And I look at the ditch, and
I have one conscious mind.

494
00:20:45,230 --> 00:20:46,730
I have this thing that I love so much

495
00:20:46,730 --> 00:20:49,100
that I'm worried about losing,
this existence that I have.

496
00:20:49,100 --> 00:20:50,420
I don't really know what it is.

497
00:20:50,420 --> 00:20:52,357
It lobs me up a thought, and
I don't know how this works,

498
00:20:52,357 --> 00:20:53,600
but it's like, yeah, have this one!

499
00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:56,459
And I'm like, that fucking
cup doesn't have cancer.

500
00:20:56,459 --> 00:20:59,059
(audience laughing)

501
00:21:03,530 --> 00:21:06,380
And, like, me now,

502
00:21:06,380 --> 00:21:10,730
I'm like yeah, Hank, the
cup doesn't have senses.

503
00:21:10,730 --> 00:21:13,400
It's never eaten a pizza.

504
00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:18,400
It's never heard the giggle
of a child, or jazz music.

505
00:21:18,530 --> 00:21:20,540
It's never heard the
noise that pigeons make,

506
00:21:20,540 --> 00:21:24,020
which I really like. (mimics a pigeon)

507
00:21:24,020 --> 00:21:26,120
I love that one, and you can
still impersonate pigeons,

508
00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:28,411
'cause they know what they did.

509
00:21:28,411 --> 00:21:31,250
But I'm in the office
park, I'm jealous of a cup,

510
00:21:31,250 --> 00:21:33,500
and then I look at my Chevy Volt,

511
00:21:33,500 --> 00:21:35,903
which also doesn't have
cancer, and drive home.

512
00:21:36,740 --> 00:21:39,500
And I go see my wife,
and Katherine tells me

513
00:21:39,500 --> 00:21:42,410
that I don't have to Google
everything it could be,

514
00:21:42,410 --> 00:21:44,480
which is what I wanted to do.

515
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:46,490
But that was good.
Talked me off that ledge.

516
00:21:46,490 --> 00:21:49,780
And then I have to call my mom.

517
00:21:49,780 --> 00:21:51,650
(audience groaning)
Yeah.

518
00:21:51,650 --> 00:21:52,880
Sort of widely considered to be

519
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:54,410
the worst part of getting cancer

520
00:21:54,410 --> 00:21:56,150
is that you have to call your mom,

521
00:21:56,150 --> 00:21:57,710
unless your mom is dead, in which case,

522
00:21:57,710 --> 00:21:59,960
the worst part is that
you can't call your mom.

523
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:02,310
So I get to call my mom.
I'm happy to be able to.

524
00:22:02,310 --> 00:22:05,750
And I call my mom, and
she picks up the phone,

525
00:22:05,750 --> 00:22:07,193
and she says, hello?

526
00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:09,540
My mom is a spooky lady.

527
00:22:09,540 --> 00:22:11,810
(audience laughs)

528
00:22:11,810 --> 00:22:13,610
She's into ghosts. I'm not.

529
00:22:13,610 --> 00:22:14,610
We're okay about it.

530
00:22:16,319 --> 00:22:18,400
But at that moment I'm like, whoa, okay.

531
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:20,150
Is the ESP thing working?

532
00:22:20,150 --> 00:22:22,190
Did the ghost tell her
about my cancer already?

533
00:22:22,190 --> 00:22:23,690
She seems worried.

534
00:22:23,690 --> 00:22:26,300
But then, quickly, I realize
that in fact what has happened

535
00:22:26,300 --> 00:22:29,120
is I've called my mom at
five o'clock in the afternoon

536
00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:31,940
on a Friday without
having previously told her

537
00:22:31,940 --> 00:22:34,730
that I'm going to call, and
I've never done that before,

538
00:22:34,730 --> 00:22:36,500
and she knows that I don't do that,

539
00:22:36,500 --> 00:22:38,720
and so she thinks someone's dead.

540
00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:41,090
So I find myself in the
really weird position of,

541
00:22:41,090 --> 00:22:43,807
in this moment, being able
to give my mom good news.

542
00:22:43,807 --> 00:22:45,890
(audience laughing)

543
00:22:45,890 --> 00:22:48,410
Mother, Katherine and Orin are fine.

544
00:22:48,410 --> 00:22:50,600
Everyone you think is alive is alive.

545
00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:51,740
And then I got kind of caught up in it,

546
00:22:51,740 --> 00:22:52,790
and I was like, and I...

547
00:22:52,790 --> 00:22:53,623
Oh no.

548
00:22:54,980 --> 00:22:57,353
I have something I need to tell you.

549
00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:01,717
The Roman Stoics believed...

550
00:23:01,717 --> 00:23:03,200
I'm going to go on a...

551
00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:05,030
We'll get back.

552
00:23:05,030 --> 00:23:07,550
The Roman Stoics believed
in the power of something

553
00:23:07,550 --> 00:23:09,440
called negative visualization.

554
00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:11,540
If you imagine terrible things happening,

555
00:23:11,540 --> 00:23:13,190
you will appreciate the
good things in your life.

556
00:23:13,190 --> 00:23:14,870
You imagine the death of
your child so that you can

557
00:23:14,870 --> 00:23:16,880
appreciate the time that
you have with your child.

558
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:18,680
I just don't think that the Roman Stoics

559
00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:22,100
had ever met their moms, 'cause
that's not how moms work.

560
00:23:22,100 --> 00:23:24,800
Moms worry, and then they
follow that up with more worry.

561
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:27,410
They imagine the death of their
child, and then they imagine

562
00:23:27,410 --> 00:23:29,410
a more different-er death of their child

563
00:23:30,260 --> 00:23:32,090
while they're staring
at the ceiling at night,

564
00:23:32,090 --> 00:23:34,940
and then a third death of
their child, followed by,

565
00:23:34,940 --> 00:23:38,330
if they're not asleep yet, a
fourth death of their child.

566
00:23:38,330 --> 00:23:41,349
That's how moms fall asleep,
is they count child deaths,

567
00:23:41,349 --> 00:23:42,999
(audience laughing)

568
00:23:42,999 --> 00:23:43,883
instead of sheep.

569
00:23:45,980 --> 00:23:49,220
And this practicing
half of Roman Stoicism,

570
00:23:49,220 --> 00:23:51,770
granted, my mom, very few superpowers,

571
00:23:51,770 --> 00:23:54,406
but she was really good
at this conversation.

572
00:23:54,406 --> 00:23:56,090
10 out of 10, no notes.

573
00:23:56,090 --> 00:23:58,910
My dad was great, my mom was
great, Katherine was great.

574
00:23:58,910 --> 00:24:01,820
I cried like a total
mess, and they all cried,

575
00:24:01,820 --> 00:24:04,220
like, little cute way,
and were very supportive,

576
00:24:04,220 --> 00:24:07,637
and I loved it, and I am
very grateful for my family.

577
00:24:07,637 --> 00:24:10,804
(audience applauding)

578
00:24:13,340 --> 00:24:16,193
And then we have to tell
my six year old son.

579
00:24:17,750 --> 00:24:19,760
It's okay, you can do that
louder for the microphones.

580
00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:23,079
Then I have to tell my six year old son.

581
00:24:23,079 --> 00:24:24,770
(audience aw-ing)

582
00:24:24,770 --> 00:24:26,439
That was a little much, honestly.

583
00:24:26,439 --> 00:24:29,047
(audience laughing)

584
00:24:32,503 --> 00:24:35,210
So, we explain it to
him as best as we can.

585
00:24:35,210 --> 00:24:36,680
It's kind of hard, with a six year old.

586
00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:38,590
He doesn't have all the baggage
that we have with cancer,

587
00:24:38,590 --> 00:24:40,550
so that's actually probably pretty good.

588
00:24:40,550 --> 00:24:42,710
We finish up telling him
that I'm going to be sick,

589
00:24:42,710 --> 00:24:44,030
and we're going to be upset about stuff,

590
00:24:44,030 --> 00:24:46,970
and then he, this is a
quote burned into my brain,

591
00:24:46,970 --> 00:24:49,793
he says, Dada, did you know,

592
00:24:51,230 --> 00:24:54,350
that if you touch a magnet
to a piece of metal,

593
00:24:54,350 --> 00:24:57,203
sometimes that metal will
also become a magnet?

594
00:25:00,085 --> 00:25:03,252
(audience applauding)

595
00:25:05,850 --> 00:25:08,150
And I was like, yeah.

596
00:25:08,150 --> 00:25:11,813
I'm fucking Hank Green.
(audience cheering)

597
00:25:16,218 --> 00:25:17,330
I knew that.

598
00:25:17,330 --> 00:25:19,180
First half of that really is
true. That's what he said.

599
00:25:19,180 --> 00:25:21,470
He's processing it in his own way.

600
00:25:21,470 --> 00:25:23,093
But I did not say that to him.

601
00:25:26,720 --> 00:25:29,570
That night, we get the
call from my surgeon,

602
00:25:29,570 --> 00:25:31,820
and she's like, amazing news.

603
00:25:31,820 --> 00:25:33,230
I mean, as good news as you can get.

604
00:25:33,230 --> 00:25:35,993
It's Hodgkin's lymphoma,
which is the one you want,

605
00:25:39,350 --> 00:25:41,900
if you're going to get it,
and so I call my parents,

606
00:25:41,900 --> 00:25:45,650
and they are on a walk
when they get the news,

607
00:25:45,650 --> 00:25:48,590
and they are crossing over
a bridge when it happens,

608
00:25:48,590 --> 00:25:52,313
and they now call this
the good news bridge.

609
00:25:53,390 --> 00:25:56,390
And she painted it for me,
and it's hanging on my wall.

610
00:25:56,390 --> 00:25:58,880
Very sweet. So, get cancer.

611
00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:01,910
It's really touching. Very heartwarming.

612
00:26:01,910 --> 00:26:04,910
You get to find out how
much people care about you.

613
00:26:04,910 --> 00:26:05,743
Don't.

614
00:26:07,790 --> 00:26:11,483
Do that other ways. Just tell
people you care about them.

615
00:26:13,160 --> 00:26:14,770
Tell people you care about them!

616
00:26:14,770 --> 00:26:16,340
(audience laughing)

617
00:26:16,340 --> 00:26:18,560
Do it, now! Right now!

618
00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:20,360
People at home, take out your phone.

619
00:26:21,260 --> 00:26:23,840
Find a person who you
think it would be super sad

620
00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:26,210
if they died, but you also wouldn't, like,

621
00:26:26,210 --> 00:26:27,260
ruin your life or anything.

622
00:26:27,260 --> 00:26:29,630
Not your son, not your
best friend, not your wife.

623
00:26:29,630 --> 00:26:31,670
Just take a look and be
like, who's a person,

624
00:26:31,670 --> 00:26:33,260
just one of the hundreds
of people in your life

625
00:26:33,260 --> 00:26:34,640
that you'd be super sad if they died,

626
00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:37,040
but four or five days,
you'd be pretty over it?

627
00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:40,403
Text them and tell them
how much you love them!

628
00:26:44,485 --> 00:26:46,064
Not, like, totally over it.

629
00:26:46,064 --> 00:26:47,270
(audience laughing)

630
00:26:47,270 --> 00:26:49,670
So then I have to go to
the hospital and sign up

631
00:26:49,670 --> 00:26:52,850
to be a cancer patient,
which is a process.

632
00:26:52,850 --> 00:26:55,790
So I go into the cancer center
and they give you paperwork

633
00:26:55,790 --> 00:26:57,650
to fill out to be cancer person,

634
00:26:57,650 --> 00:27:00,620
and the first page is just
all the diseases that exist,

635
00:27:00,620 --> 00:27:01,730
and you have to check the ones you have.

636
00:27:01,730 --> 00:27:03,920
That's just to make you
feel good, that you're like,

637
00:27:03,920 --> 00:27:05,750
oh, I only got 1% percent of the diseases.

638
00:27:05,750 --> 00:27:06,583
I'm doing pretty good.

639
00:27:06,583 --> 00:27:08,090
And then the next page
starts off, it says,

640
00:27:08,090 --> 00:27:10,700
have you, in the last couple of months,

641
00:27:10,700 --> 00:27:12,350
considered committing suicide?

642
00:27:12,350 --> 00:27:14,633
And I'm like, yeah, but
only in the fun ways.

643
00:27:16,190 --> 00:27:17,123
So I check no.

644
00:27:22,399 --> 00:27:24,140
My wife's like, what does that joke mean?

645
00:27:24,140 --> 00:27:25,452
And I'm like, don't worry.

646
00:27:25,452 --> 00:27:28,490
(audience laughing)

647
00:27:28,490 --> 00:27:30,410
It's not a problem, it's just like,

648
00:27:30,410 --> 00:27:32,410
I watched too much anime in high school.

649
00:27:34,100 --> 00:27:37,133
Visualize cutting my arm off.

650
00:27:38,420 --> 00:27:39,857
But, like, in a fun way.

651
00:27:41,030 --> 00:27:43,490
And the next question on the list says,

652
00:27:43,490 --> 00:27:45,500
have you, in the last couple of months,

653
00:27:45,500 --> 00:27:49,043
wanted to go to sleep and not wake up?

654
00:27:50,542 --> 00:27:52,640
Oh-ho-ho! All right!

655
00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:56,191
The cancer paperwork has
two suicide questions!

656
00:27:56,191 --> 00:27:57,861
They're like, yeah, you
don't want to do that,

657
00:27:57,861 --> 00:28:00,020
but what if we came at it from this way?

658
00:28:00,020 --> 00:28:01,913
And you're like, actually,

659
00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:04,883
I hadn't thought about that one yet!

660
00:28:06,110 --> 00:28:08,960
I super want to be alive
for as long as possible,

661
00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:11,720
but now that you mention
it, it has an appeal.

662
00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:15,293
I want to go to sleep and
not wake up for a while.

663
00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:17,870
If you're wondering
why it sucks to wake up

664
00:28:17,870 --> 00:28:20,420
with cancer so much, I have
a way of explaining it.

665
00:28:21,410 --> 00:28:24,620
Imagine the nightmare
that we've all had, right,

666
00:28:24,620 --> 00:28:26,660
where you've been hired by the mafia

667
00:28:26,660 --> 00:28:28,943
to kill the Baltimore
Orioles, all of them.

668
00:28:30,590 --> 00:28:33,554
The sports team, not the birds.
That'd be fucked up, right?

669
00:28:33,554 --> 00:28:35,070
(audience laughing)

670
00:28:36,009 --> 00:28:37,400
And you've done it. You did it.

671
00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:39,155
They were all at the sports game together.

672
00:28:39,155 --> 00:28:40,640
They were in the locker room,

673
00:28:40,640 --> 00:28:42,410
and you were like, (mimics
blade swooshing) all at once.

674
00:28:42,410 --> 00:28:44,420
But what you didn't account for

675
00:28:44,420 --> 00:28:47,660
is that there are a lot of
retired Baltimore Orioles,

676
00:28:47,660 --> 00:28:49,553
and now they are very mad at you.

677
00:28:51,230 --> 00:28:54,323
And you are in an abandoned mall,

678
00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:57,366
and they can smell you.

679
00:28:57,366 --> 00:29:00,663
I don't know why, but you know.

680
00:29:00,663 --> 00:29:02,870
And so you duck into the Hot Topic.

681
00:29:02,870 --> 00:29:04,820
You get in there and you
get between the first aisle

682
00:29:04,820 --> 00:29:06,590
that you can find, and
you're down on your knees

683
00:29:06,590 --> 00:29:08,330
hiding in the aisle, but you realize

684
00:29:08,330 --> 00:29:10,940
you've gone into the aisle
with the jingly pants

685
00:29:10,940 --> 00:29:15,080
that they wear to the
Insane Clown Posse concerts,

686
00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:16,190
and so you're trying to hide,

687
00:29:16,190 --> 00:29:17,750
but you also have to not jingle the pants.

688
00:29:17,750 --> 00:29:20,330
But the aisle is getting
more and more narrow somehow,

689
00:29:20,330 --> 00:29:21,590
and the ceiling is getting lower,

690
00:29:21,590 --> 00:29:24,140
and now it's just like
a tunnel of jingly pants

691
00:29:24,140 --> 00:29:26,240
and you're trying very
carefully, very seriously,

692
00:29:26,240 --> 00:29:27,800
not to make any noise at all.

693
00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:29,000
But you can't help it.

694
00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:30,860
You bump a jingle, and it jingles,

695
00:29:30,860 --> 00:29:32,480
and you hear the Orioles outside

696
00:29:32,480 --> 00:29:34,895
stop moving and turn toward you.

697
00:29:34,895 --> 00:29:36,800
(audience laughing)

698
00:29:36,800 --> 00:29:38,177
And I don't know if you know this,

699
00:29:38,177 --> 00:29:40,838
but group of Baltimore
Orioles is called a murder.

700
00:29:40,838 --> 00:29:44,540
(audience laughing)

701
00:29:44,540 --> 00:29:45,847
And so you get down, and you're just like,

702
00:29:45,847 --> 00:29:48,170
they're coming, but I'm
gonna hide as best I could,

703
00:29:48,170 --> 00:29:49,700
like maybe someone will save me.

704
00:29:49,700 --> 00:29:52,250
So you're laying down in the
aisle with the jingly pants,

705
00:29:52,250 --> 00:29:54,800
and then coming around
the corner you see a man,

706
00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:57,470
and he's got a catcher's mask
on, and he's looking at you,

707
00:29:57,470 --> 00:29:59,420
and you're like, holy shit.

708
00:29:59,420 --> 00:30:01,580
And then you realize there's
a gun in your ankle holster,

709
00:30:01,580 --> 00:30:02,450
'cause you're an assassin.

710
00:30:02,450 --> 00:30:04,070
You pull it out. Click.

711
00:30:04,070 --> 00:30:05,400
But it's out of bullets!

712
00:30:08,090 --> 00:30:10,550
And Cal Ripken Jr. pulls
off his catcher's mask,

713
00:30:10,550 --> 00:30:11,810
looks down at you, and he says,

714
00:30:11,810 --> 00:30:13,190
strike three, motherfucker.

715
00:30:13,190 --> 00:30:17,210
And baseball bat rains your
face, and then you wake up,

716
00:30:17,210 --> 00:30:19,280
and you're like, holy shit, you guys.

717
00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:21,263
I've never killed anybody.

718
00:30:24,444 --> 00:30:27,444
(audience cheering)

719
00:30:28,820 --> 00:30:33,263
I'm from Florida, so I've
killed, like, fish and bugs,

720
00:30:34,400 --> 00:30:37,253
and crabs, which are like fish bugs.

721
00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:40,220
That's what happened, Aristotle said,

722
00:30:40,220 --> 00:30:43,640
is just a bug had sex with a fish.

723
00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:44,840
That's how we got crabs.

724
00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:46,880
So that's what it's like

725
00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:48,470
when you wake up and you have cancer.

726
00:30:48,470 --> 00:30:49,310
You're like, holy shit,

727
00:30:49,310 --> 00:30:52,340
I am both hunting and being
hunted by the Baltimore Orioles.

728
00:30:52,340 --> 00:30:55,130
Except the Baltimore Orioles
live inside your body,

729
00:30:55,130 --> 00:30:57,773
and they eat you, and you
have to poison their food.

730
00:30:59,180 --> 00:31:02,540
So I go see my doctor
about that, and he's like,

731
00:31:02,540 --> 00:31:05,060
so good news is,
Hodgkin's lymphoma, great.

732
00:31:05,060 --> 00:31:06,140
It's one of the good ones.

733
00:31:06,140 --> 00:31:07,760
Now that we're staged and
we know where you're at,

734
00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:10,280
you have a 5% chance of being dead,

735
00:31:10,280 --> 00:31:12,950
just a 5% chance of
being dead in five years.

736
00:31:12,950 --> 00:31:16,757
And I'm like, mm! Seems bad, I don't know!

737
00:31:16,757 --> 00:31:19,192
And he's like, well, I see
people with cancer all day,

738
00:31:19,192 --> 00:31:21,020
and I got one who's
probably going to make it.

739
00:31:21,020 --> 00:31:21,853
This is great, I love it.

740
00:31:21,853 --> 00:31:23,960
And I'm like, I see
people doing TikTok dances

741
00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:26,325
inside of my phone all
day, and they seem fine.

742
00:31:26,325 --> 00:31:28,433
(audience laughing)

743
00:31:28,433 --> 00:31:32,120
Doc, nobody does anything with
a 5% chance of killing them,

744
00:31:32,120 --> 00:31:35,420
no matter how fun the thing is
or how stupid the person is,

745
00:31:35,420 --> 00:31:38,430
unless they're a billionaire
who wants to visit the Titanic.

746
00:31:38,430 --> 00:31:39,899
(audience laughing)

747
00:31:39,899 --> 00:31:44,899
Oh, I didn't know. Did something happen?

748
00:31:45,350 --> 00:31:48,740
Actually, interestingly,
the summer I was sick

749
00:31:48,740 --> 00:31:50,900
was a particularly bad
year on Mount Everest.

750
00:31:50,900 --> 00:31:53,720
The death rate of trying
to summit Mount Everest,

751
00:31:53,720 --> 00:31:55,520
depending on how you count,

752
00:31:55,520 --> 00:31:57,890
approached the death rate
of Hodgkin's lymphoma,

753
00:31:57,890 --> 00:31:59,540
and I don't know if
you've ever lost anyone

754
00:31:59,540 --> 00:32:01,370
in a mountaineering accident,
I'm sorry about this,

755
00:32:01,370 --> 00:32:03,773
but I did find that to
be a source of comfort.

756
00:32:05,030 --> 00:32:06,260
And I'll explain to you why,

757
00:32:06,260 --> 00:32:07,640
because that's a monster thought,

758
00:32:07,640 --> 00:32:10,430
but look, you got monster
thoughts all the time,

759
00:32:10,430 --> 00:32:12,050
but especially when you're sick.

760
00:32:12,050 --> 00:32:14,990
But going up Mount Everest
is like the hardest thing.

761
00:32:14,990 --> 00:32:15,823
That's why you do it,

762
00:32:15,823 --> 00:32:18,200
so you can say, I did the hardest thing!

763
00:32:18,200 --> 00:32:20,930
That's why I spent all that
money and took all that danger,

764
00:32:20,930 --> 00:32:22,760
so I could do the hardest thing.

765
00:32:22,760 --> 00:32:24,500
But it turns out it's about as hard

766
00:32:24,500 --> 00:32:25,670
as having Hodgkin's lymphoma,

767
00:32:25,670 --> 00:32:29,169
and I get to do that in
bed watching "Taskmaster".

768
00:32:29,169 --> 00:32:31,880
(audience laughing)

769
00:32:31,880 --> 00:32:32,713
I did the math.

770
00:32:32,713 --> 00:32:35,180
It's actually cheaper to get cancer,

771
00:32:35,180 --> 00:32:37,760
as long as you only do it for one year,

772
00:32:37,760 --> 00:32:39,260
and you have health insurance.

773
00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:44,180
And also, another perk,
if you die of cancer,

774
00:32:44,180 --> 00:32:45,693
no one thinks you're an idiot.

775
00:32:45,693 --> 00:32:49,076
(audience laughing)

776
00:32:51,770 --> 00:32:53,507
So, cool.

777
00:32:53,507 --> 00:32:55,610
(audience laughing)

778
00:32:55,610 --> 00:32:57,710
This first appointment with my oncologist

779
00:32:57,710 --> 00:32:59,690
is a wild experience.

780
00:32:59,690 --> 00:33:03,860
It's so cool, because
he's not busy at all.

781
00:33:03,860 --> 00:33:06,410
It seems like he could talk
for an infinite amount of time.

782
00:33:06,410 --> 00:33:07,940
We talked for so long. Me
and my wife were there.

783
00:33:07,940 --> 00:33:09,230
We talked for like an hour,

784
00:33:09,230 --> 00:33:11,840
and then he was still
volunteering questions

785
00:33:11,840 --> 00:33:14,020
we didn't even have to ask him.

786
00:33:14,020 --> 00:33:16,100
At the end, it was like
an hour into the meeting,

787
00:33:16,100 --> 00:33:18,890
and he was like, a lot
of people want to know,

788
00:33:18,890 --> 00:33:21,530
why did they get cancer?

789
00:33:21,530 --> 00:33:24,350
And I was like, Doc, I
know why I got cancer.

790
00:33:24,350 --> 00:33:25,500
And he was like, oh no.

791
00:33:28,490 --> 00:33:32,120
Which conspiracy theory am I
about to hear from this man?

792
00:33:32,120 --> 00:33:33,532
I didn't think that he was one of those.

793
00:33:33,532 --> 00:33:34,910
Is it the chemtrails?

794
00:33:34,910 --> 00:33:38,393
Does he think the voting
machines gave him cancer?

795
00:33:39,539 --> 00:33:41,060
And I'm like, no.

796
00:33:41,060 --> 00:33:43,740
Doctor, sometimes ants

797
00:33:45,320 --> 00:33:46,283
have wings.

798
00:33:47,807 --> 00:33:51,443
And he's like, oh, extra no.
I've not heard that one yet.

799
00:33:52,550 --> 00:33:54,740
Is that a lefty or a righty?

800
00:33:54,740 --> 00:33:57,290
Why can ants sometimes have wings, doctor?

801
00:33:57,290 --> 00:34:00,620
And he's like, I don't know.
Why are we talking about ants?

802
00:34:00,620 --> 00:34:02,240
And I'm like, it's weird, right?

803
00:34:02,240 --> 00:34:04,220
If anything should be able
to sometimes have wings,

804
00:34:04,220 --> 00:34:05,360
it should be giraffes,

805
00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:07,601
not because they would
work, but it would be cute.

806
00:34:07,601 --> 00:34:08,450
(trills)

807
00:34:08,450 --> 00:34:11,420
But no, ants get to sometimes
have wings, and that's bad.

808
00:34:11,420 --> 00:34:13,460
They should be confined to surfaces.

809
00:34:13,460 --> 00:34:15,290
How can ants even grow wings?

810
00:34:15,290 --> 00:34:17,000
Wings are complicated structures.

811
00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:19,820
I don't get to sometimes
have the little Shrek horns

812
00:34:19,820 --> 00:34:22,040
that giraffes have, and
those are very simple,

813
00:34:22,040 --> 00:34:23,753
just bones and skin.

814
00:34:24,710 --> 00:34:25,543
You know what I'm talking about.

815
00:34:25,543 --> 00:34:27,170
The knobs on a giraffe,

816
00:34:27,170 --> 00:34:30,200
that control the volume and
the temperature on a giraffe?

817
00:34:30,200 --> 00:34:31,910
But ants get to sometimes have wings.

818
00:34:31,910 --> 00:34:34,730
Why do ants even have wing genes, Doctor?

819
00:34:34,730 --> 00:34:36,080
Do you know why, Doctor?

820
00:34:36,080 --> 00:34:36,913
And he says, I don't know why.

821
00:34:36,913 --> 00:34:40,613
And I said, ants are descended from wasps.

822
00:34:42,530 --> 00:34:43,490
Yeah, bees too.

823
00:34:43,490 --> 00:34:44,960
Bees and ants are just wasps

824
00:34:44,960 --> 00:34:47,213
that decided to suck a little less.

825
00:34:49,190 --> 00:34:52,160
So he was like, are you telling
me that Ant-Man and Wasp

826
00:34:52,160 --> 00:34:55,910
is just like Specialized Ground
Wasp Man and Regular Wasp?

827
00:34:55,910 --> 00:34:58,602
And I'm like, yeah! That's
what I've been saying!

828
00:34:58,602 --> 00:34:59,435
And he was like, this is super cool.

829
00:34:59,435 --> 00:35:01,490
I was like, I wrote a letter to Marvel!

830
00:35:01,490 --> 00:35:02,323
And he said, what did they say?

831
00:35:02,323 --> 00:35:03,620
And I said, they said that I needed

832
00:35:03,620 --> 00:35:05,199
to stop writing them letters!

833
00:35:05,199 --> 00:35:07,820
(audience laughing)

834
00:35:07,820 --> 00:35:10,040
Ants sometimes have wings,
but the wild thing is,

835
00:35:10,040 --> 00:35:12,290
they're not specialized
for life in the ground.

836
00:35:12,290 --> 00:35:14,420
They're specialized for colonial life.

837
00:35:14,420 --> 00:35:15,860
And my doctor's like, colonial?

838
00:35:15,860 --> 00:35:17,750
Like churning butter in early America?

839
00:35:17,750 --> 00:35:20,660
And I'm like, no. Living in colonies.

840
00:35:20,660 --> 00:35:23,690
See, ants are optimized for a weird way

841
00:35:23,690 --> 00:35:25,430
of getting their genetic
information passed on.

842
00:35:25,430 --> 00:35:27,170
But here's the thing, they work together

843
00:35:27,170 --> 00:35:29,780
not to get their genes passed
to the next generation of ant,

844
00:35:29,780 --> 00:35:30,980
but to get their genes passed

845
00:35:30,980 --> 00:35:33,053
to the next generation of ant colony.

846
00:35:34,100 --> 00:35:37,430
Doctor, I would like you
to imagine for a moment

847
00:35:37,430 --> 00:35:40,073
that you are just a bunch of ants.

848
00:35:41,120 --> 00:35:42,575
And he's like, finally.

849
00:35:42,575 --> 00:35:45,833
(audience laughing)

850
00:35:45,833 --> 00:35:50,090
Because look, for basically
half of the history of life

851
00:35:50,090 --> 00:35:54,380
on Earth, everything on Earth
was single-celled organisms.

852
00:35:54,380 --> 00:35:56,570
They passed their genes
on by just having one cell

853
00:35:56,570 --> 00:36:00,770
become two, and both of them
had the same genes, roughly.

854
00:36:00,770 --> 00:36:03,830
But then, a bunch of different times,

855
00:36:03,830 --> 00:36:05,690
several cells would get together,

856
00:36:05,690 --> 00:36:07,490
and they would optimize not for that,

857
00:36:07,490 --> 00:36:09,710
not for getting their genes to
the next generation of cell,

858
00:36:09,710 --> 00:36:10,700
but getting their genes passed

859
00:36:10,700 --> 00:36:12,980
to the next generation of colony of cells,

860
00:36:12,980 --> 00:36:15,410
and that's multicellular organisms.

861
00:36:15,410 --> 00:36:16,400
That's us.

862
00:36:16,400 --> 00:36:18,980
We are just a bunch of cells

863
00:36:18,980 --> 00:36:21,650
all working together in
marvelous little symphony

864
00:36:21,650 --> 00:36:23,060
that we totally take for granted,

865
00:36:23,060 --> 00:36:25,880
and we've only begun to really
understand as a species,

866
00:36:25,880 --> 00:36:28,670
working together to do all
the wild and weird things

867
00:36:28,670 --> 00:36:30,320
that we do, trying to get us

868
00:36:30,320 --> 00:36:32,630
to correctly do the Cha-Cha
Slide at the wedding

869
00:36:32,630 --> 00:36:35,613
so that my wife will look
at me and go, I guess!

870
00:36:35,613 --> 00:36:37,404
(audience laughing)

871
00:36:37,404 --> 00:36:39,420
And then we can have a child.

872
00:36:41,287 --> 00:36:44,180
And he is now the new colony of cells

873
00:36:44,180 --> 00:36:46,670
that have some of my genetic information.

874
00:36:46,670 --> 00:36:49,550
That's wild. But here's an
extra weird thing about ants.

875
00:36:49,550 --> 00:36:50,840
When they started becoming ants,

876
00:36:50,840 --> 00:36:52,070
when they were descending from wasps,

877
00:36:52,070 --> 00:36:55,280
that moment that happened,
a single gene copied itself

878
00:36:55,280 --> 00:36:58,070
a bunch of times in ants
with minor variations,

879
00:36:58,070 --> 00:37:00,620
and that gene was in the
ability to smell stuff.

880
00:37:00,620 --> 00:37:02,870
Why do ants need all
this ability to smell?

881
00:37:02,870 --> 00:37:04,610
Because that's how they
control the colony.

882
00:37:04,610 --> 00:37:06,770
Ants don't know what they're doing, right?

883
00:37:06,770 --> 00:37:09,680
They just have this
remarkable set of pheromones

884
00:37:09,680 --> 00:37:11,390
for all kinds of different activities,

885
00:37:11,390 --> 00:37:14,390
and they smell each other,
and it makes them do stuff.

886
00:37:14,390 --> 00:37:15,551
It's like high school.

887
00:37:15,551 --> 00:37:17,090
(audience laughing)

888
00:37:17,090 --> 00:37:19,100
So that's why they need
all those ability to smell.

889
00:37:19,100 --> 00:37:20,090
They need ways to communicate,

890
00:37:20,090 --> 00:37:21,620
and our cells are the same way.

891
00:37:21,620 --> 00:37:22,940
Our cells are constantly communicating

892
00:37:22,940 --> 00:37:24,320
with all these chemical signals.

893
00:37:24,320 --> 00:37:25,850
You can't cross this tissue boundary.

894
00:37:25,850 --> 00:37:27,710
Here's where the blood vessel should go.

895
00:37:27,710 --> 00:37:29,150
All this stuff, it's amazing.

896
00:37:29,150 --> 00:37:32,090
But imagine, Doc, an ant who, one day,

897
00:37:32,090 --> 00:37:34,070
decides he's an individualist.

898
00:37:34,070 --> 00:37:36,620
He wants to be more like a wasp.

899
00:37:36,620 --> 00:37:37,823
His name is Trent.

900
00:37:39,950 --> 00:37:42,230
And Trent, because he has decided

901
00:37:42,230 --> 00:37:43,220
that instead of getting his genes

902
00:37:43,220 --> 00:37:44,750
passed onto the next generation of colony,

903
00:37:44,750 --> 00:37:46,910
he's just going to pass it onto his clone.

904
00:37:46,910 --> 00:37:49,940
He's gonna clone himself,
make a little extra Trent,

905
00:37:49,940 --> 00:37:51,950
and all his descendants are the Trents,

906
00:37:51,950 --> 00:37:54,230
and the Trents can all
signal the pheromones

907
00:37:54,230 --> 00:37:56,390
to tell the colony to take care of Trents

908
00:37:56,390 --> 00:37:57,950
at the expense of the rest of the colony.

909
00:37:57,950 --> 00:37:59,690
They're going to have so many resources.

910
00:37:59,690 --> 00:38:01,040
The ants don't know what they're doing.

911
00:38:01,040 --> 00:38:03,380
They're just smelling stuff,
and it's making them do things,

912
00:38:03,380 --> 00:38:05,270
and so they start taking
care of the Trents,

913
00:38:05,270 --> 00:38:06,350
and the more Trents there are,

914
00:38:06,350 --> 00:38:08,030
they're all going to have this same trick

915
00:38:08,030 --> 00:38:10,910
to signal the ants to bring
them food and take care of them,

916
00:38:10,910 --> 00:38:12,590
and so they're going to
have so many resources,

917
00:38:12,590 --> 00:38:14,330
and they're going to
multiply exponentially

918
00:38:14,330 --> 00:38:16,010
until there's so many
Trents that the colony

919
00:38:16,010 --> 00:38:18,170
can't support itself
anymore, and it collapses,

920
00:38:18,170 --> 00:38:20,630
and all of the ants die,
including the Trents.

921
00:38:20,630 --> 00:38:22,460
Doc, that's what happened to me.

922
00:38:22,460 --> 00:38:24,713
One of my cells is a goddamn Trent!

923
00:38:26,727 --> 00:38:29,000
(audience cheering)

924
00:38:29,000 --> 00:38:30,260
I got one cell that figured out

925
00:38:30,260 --> 00:38:32,410
how to confuse all the other
cells into taking care of it

926
00:38:32,410 --> 00:38:34,583
at the expense of the rest of my body.

927
00:38:35,503 --> 00:38:38,630
And the weird thing is that this cell

928
00:38:38,630 --> 00:38:41,780
is basically a reversion to
a single celled lifestyle.

929
00:38:41,780 --> 00:38:45,320
This is a new organism
that isn't me anymore,

930
00:38:45,320 --> 00:38:47,300
but its nearest ancestor is me.

931
00:38:47,300 --> 00:38:50,030
A single celled organism
whose nearest ancestor is me,

932
00:38:50,030 --> 00:38:53,180
and the only environment
it knows is my body,

933
00:38:53,180 --> 00:38:55,250
and it loves it, and it's
growing inside of it,

934
00:38:55,250 --> 00:38:57,800
and it has no idea that at
the end of this process,

935
00:38:57,800 --> 00:38:59,780
it will go extinct along with me,

936
00:38:59,780 --> 00:39:04,010
and Doctor, our job is to drive
the Trents into extinction

937
00:39:04,010 --> 00:39:07,400
before they extinct
themselves by killing me!

938
00:39:07,400 --> 00:39:10,370
And he's like, actually, I do
have some other appointments

939
00:39:10,370 --> 00:39:14,293
I need to get to today.
(audience applauding)

940
00:39:19,880 --> 00:39:23,720
So how do we kill the Trents?
First step, chemotherapy.

941
00:39:23,720 --> 00:39:28,720
I go to get my first infusion
at the infusion center.

942
00:39:28,730 --> 00:39:30,590
It's the nicest room in the hospital,

943
00:39:30,590 --> 00:39:33,080
big picture windows, it's got recliners.

944
00:39:33,080 --> 00:39:35,060
There's a nurse who's
assigned to you for the day.

945
00:39:35,060 --> 00:39:37,550
She's like, hello. I'll
be your nurse today.

946
00:39:37,550 --> 00:39:40,010
We have cold yogurt and warm blankets

947
00:39:40,010 --> 00:39:41,903
and room temperature poison.

948
00:39:42,860 --> 00:39:44,723
One of those things is mandatory.

949
00:39:45,620 --> 00:39:48,890
I sit down, I get hooked up.
She stabs me in the chemo port.

950
00:39:48,890 --> 00:39:50,360
They install a port in your body,

951
00:39:50,360 --> 00:39:52,373
like you are a space station.

952
00:39:54,709 --> 00:39:58,760
And so she gave me the first
chemotherapy bag and she says,

953
00:39:58,760 --> 00:40:00,920
now, as soon as you're done with this one,

954
00:40:00,920 --> 00:40:03,230
you're going to want to try
to pee as soon as you can,

955
00:40:03,230 --> 00:40:04,460
because they don't like this stuff

956
00:40:04,460 --> 00:40:05,910
hanging around inside of you.

957
00:40:07,880 --> 00:40:10,430
And I'm like, if you don't
want it inside of me,

958
00:40:10,430 --> 00:40:12,926
why are you putting it inside of me?

959
00:40:12,926 --> 00:40:16,070
But once it's through the
tissues and in your bladder,

960
00:40:16,070 --> 00:40:17,690
it's just going to be in there irritating

961
00:40:17,690 --> 00:40:19,400
the lining of your bladder
and making your dick hurt,

962
00:40:19,400 --> 00:40:21,890
so you get it out as soon as you can.

963
00:40:21,890 --> 00:40:26,890
And then she says to me,
for the next few days,

964
00:40:27,350 --> 00:40:31,160
nothing that comes out of you
should go into anyone else.

965
00:40:32,622 --> 00:40:35,622
(audience laughing)

966
00:40:42,241 --> 00:40:43,074
And,

967
00:40:45,039 --> 00:40:46,100
okay,

968
00:40:46,100 --> 00:40:48,410
we had just been talking about pee,

969
00:40:48,410 --> 00:40:50,950
me and this woman, and I look around

970
00:40:50,950 --> 00:40:55,520
at all the 80 and 90 year
olds in the infusion center

971
00:40:55,520 --> 00:40:57,619
you know, people who get cancer
when they were supposed to-

972
00:40:57,619 --> 00:41:00,173
(audience groaning)
Oh, aw. Oh.

973
00:41:02,420 --> 00:41:03,740
And I'm looking around and I'm like,

974
00:41:03,740 --> 00:41:05,330
this doesn't seem like a community

975
00:41:05,330 --> 00:41:07,703
that engages in a ton of watersports.

976
00:41:12,290 --> 00:41:14,843
Like, she met my wife
earlier. Did she get a vibe?

977
00:41:16,550 --> 00:41:18,320
She's looking at me,
and I'm looking at her,

978
00:41:18,320 --> 00:41:20,330
and we're both waiting for
the other one to break, right?

979
00:41:20,330 --> 00:41:22,037
I'm just like, you say it.
I don't know what it is.

980
00:41:22,037 --> 00:41:23,210
And she's like, you'll get it.

981
00:41:23,210 --> 00:41:25,597
You taught me anatomy and
physiology on YouTube.

982
00:41:25,597 --> 00:41:28,414
I'm like, I don't know that I will.

983
00:41:28,414 --> 00:41:31,670
I don't see it.
(audience cheering)

984
00:41:31,670 --> 00:41:35,393
I break first, and I swear
to god, I say, like pee?

985
00:41:38,551 --> 00:41:42,530
(audience laughing)

986
00:41:42,530 --> 00:41:43,973
Like pee?

987
00:41:44,810 --> 00:41:45,860
Like pee?

988
00:41:45,860 --> 00:41:48,871
Like pee! Everybody in the room got it.

989
00:41:48,871 --> 00:41:50,540
I was doing a show, and
there was a 10 year old

990
00:41:50,540 --> 00:41:55,340
in the front row, he got it!

991
00:41:55,340 --> 00:41:58,520
I just want to say to all
the people in the world

992
00:41:58,520 --> 00:42:01,553
who made it necessary for
my nurse to say that, wow.

993
00:42:02,401 --> 00:42:03,560
You just leave the chemo center

994
00:42:03,560 --> 00:42:04,520
with a little twinkle in your eye

995
00:42:04,520 --> 00:42:06,200
and you're like, let's go home, honey!

996
00:42:06,200 --> 00:42:10,211
I don't know. And I'll shield
you from my poisoned semen!

997
00:42:10,211 --> 00:42:13,026
I don't know, that is very strange.

998
00:42:13,026 --> 00:42:14,510
That's great, that my nurse thought

999
00:42:14,510 --> 00:42:16,013
I might be a person like that.

1000
00:42:17,120 --> 00:42:18,470
That's very kind of her, thoughtful,

1001
00:42:18,470 --> 00:42:20,540
to think that I might possibly do anything

1002
00:42:20,540 --> 00:42:23,903
but just lay in bed and
feel very sorry for myself.

1003
00:42:24,890 --> 00:42:26,930
So there's lots of bad parts of chemo.

1004
00:42:26,930 --> 00:42:30,200
One of them, we were
talking about earlier,

1005
00:42:30,200 --> 00:42:31,370
the white blood cell thing,

1006
00:42:31,370 --> 00:42:33,620
so I'm super susceptible to infection,

1007
00:42:33,620 --> 00:42:36,050
so I'm basically on lockdown,
shouldn't leave my house,

1008
00:42:36,050 --> 00:42:37,760
but I have been told that I might die,

1009
00:42:37,760 --> 00:42:41,450
so I feel like I need some
very comfortable pants.

1010
00:42:41,450 --> 00:42:43,640
So I go to a place called Scheels,

1011
00:42:43,640 --> 00:42:46,550
which is like a sporting goods store

1012
00:42:46,550 --> 00:42:48,548
that fucked a Chuck E. Cheese.

1013
00:42:48,548 --> 00:42:50,810
(audience laughs)

1014
00:42:50,810 --> 00:42:52,220
One thing you need to know about Scheels

1015
00:42:52,220 --> 00:42:55,120
is that if you let it, it would
definitely vote for Trump.

1016
00:42:55,970 --> 00:42:58,730
If you put it on a talk
show and it was a pundit,

1017
00:42:58,730 --> 00:43:01,220
it would sort of imply subtly and lightly

1018
00:43:01,220 --> 00:43:03,410
that my cancer was caused by the vaccine.

1019
00:43:03,410 --> 00:43:06,050
That's the Scheels vibe. But it's great.

1020
00:43:06,050 --> 00:43:07,950
I love it there, except for that part.

1021
00:43:08,870 --> 00:43:10,190
So I was shopping for pants,

1022
00:43:10,190 --> 00:43:11,690
but then I had to go pee my cancer out,

1023
00:43:11,690 --> 00:43:14,147
and so I went into the
bathroom, and I was washing up,

1024
00:43:14,147 --> 00:43:16,940
and there's a guy in there and
he looks and me and he says,

1025
00:43:16,940 --> 00:43:18,390
out loud, with his own mouth,

1026
00:43:19,310 --> 00:43:20,560
why are you wearing that?

1027
00:43:21,920 --> 00:43:23,990
And I was like, what
the fuck am I wearing?

1028
00:43:23,990 --> 00:43:25,130
Did I accidentally wear

1029
00:43:25,130 --> 00:43:27,503
my Joe Biden is so cool shirt to Scheels?

1030
00:43:28,670 --> 00:43:30,538
Is it just like, gays!

1031
00:43:30,538 --> 00:43:32,487
(audience laughing)

1032
00:43:32,487 --> 00:43:34,820
This is a weird thing to say to a person,

1033
00:43:34,820 --> 00:43:36,710
and I realize I'm wearing a mask.

1034
00:43:36,710 --> 00:43:38,030
Most people, I think, in this situation,

1035
00:43:38,030 --> 00:43:39,590
would be like, ugh, god!

1036
00:43:39,590 --> 00:43:43,130
Now I'm dealing with this
situation. Very upsetting.

1037
00:43:43,130 --> 00:43:45,560
Why is this person acting like this?

1038
00:43:45,560 --> 00:43:47,570
I hate this, and I'm very stressed out.

1039
00:43:47,570 --> 00:43:52,570
But I am me, and so I, again,
my brain tossed me this one.

1040
00:43:53,150 --> 00:43:57,850
It said, this is going to
be the best part of cancer.

1041
00:43:57,850 --> 00:44:01,558
(audience laughing)

1042
00:44:04,880 --> 00:44:06,800
Because he was over
here in discourse-ville,

1043
00:44:06,800 --> 00:44:08,571
and I was inhabiting normal person land,

1044
00:44:08,571 --> 00:44:11,850
and I was like... (squeaks)

1045
00:44:11,850 --> 00:44:16,134
I can be in discourse-ville!
I do that all the time!

1046
00:44:16,134 --> 00:44:20,884
And I hate it, and I shouldn't,
but I do, and I know how.

1047
00:44:22,790 --> 00:44:26,197
I was wearing a beanie, and
I got to take my beanie off.

1048
00:44:26,197 --> 00:44:27,740
That's the fastest way, right?

1049
00:44:27,740 --> 00:44:30,260
And it's not like this.
It wasn't just bald.

1050
00:44:30,260 --> 00:44:33,560
It was in between bald and the 80 hairs

1051
00:44:33,560 --> 00:44:36,530
that were still growing
had grown out some.

1052
00:44:36,530 --> 00:44:39,346
It was like a small wedding of hairs.

1053
00:44:39,346 --> 00:44:42,413
And I pull of my beanie,
and he's like, whoa!

1054
00:44:44,030 --> 00:44:47,000
He sees it immediately. My skin
is the color of the ceiling.

1055
00:44:47,000 --> 00:44:49,190
And he's like, oh gosh.

1056
00:44:49,190 --> 00:44:52,613
And I got to watch him
as he formed a memory.

1057
00:44:54,823 --> 00:44:57,990
(audience applauding)

1058
00:45:00,680 --> 00:45:02,180
We all have these memories, right?

1059
00:45:02,180 --> 00:45:04,130
These ones that we lay in
bed and we think about,

1060
00:45:04,130 --> 00:45:06,170
like the time that I told a girl

1061
00:45:06,170 --> 00:45:08,243
she had a nosebleed, but it was a mole.

1062
00:45:10,280 --> 00:45:12,330
Yeah, that was real. That's a real story.

1063
00:45:13,406 --> 00:45:15,950
And here's the thing, he
was super nice about it.

1064
00:45:15,950 --> 00:45:17,300
And also, I was super nice.

1065
00:45:17,300 --> 00:45:20,270
I knew that if I was mean,
it would be better for him,

1066
00:45:20,270 --> 00:45:22,040
but I knew that the nicer I was for him,

1067
00:45:22,040 --> 00:45:22,873
the worse it would be.

1068
00:45:22,873 --> 00:45:24,740
That's the only reason I was nice.

1069
00:45:24,740 --> 00:45:26,330
I'm not a hero in this story.

1070
00:45:26,330 --> 00:45:28,360
I wasn't trying to take
the temperature down.

1071
00:45:28,360 --> 00:45:31,970
It was just the best strategy
for making it bad for him,

1072
00:45:31,970 --> 00:45:35,120
and I knew that that night,
he would be staring in bed.

1073
00:45:35,120 --> 00:45:38,000
We'd both be in bed that
night, staring at the ceiling.

1074
00:45:38,000 --> 00:45:39,058
Not the same bed.

1075
00:45:39,058 --> 00:45:41,320
(audience laughing)

1076
00:45:41,320 --> 00:45:43,513
I don't know, that'd be a
weird way for the story to go.

1077
00:45:44,540 --> 00:45:45,817
And then we kissed.

1078
00:45:47,116 --> 00:45:50,377
But I did shield him from my poison semen.

1079
00:45:50,377 --> 00:45:52,568
(audience laughing)

1080
00:45:53,540 --> 00:45:54,690
It's a beautiful story.

1081
00:45:56,018 --> 00:45:57,803
We made it work. We healed America.

1082
00:46:01,670 --> 00:46:02,810
Then I have to get radiation.

1083
00:46:02,810 --> 00:46:04,820
That's the last step in my cancer journey.

1084
00:46:04,820 --> 00:46:06,320
Lucky enough to be able to get radiation,

1085
00:46:06,320 --> 00:46:08,270
because it was in the
right spot, basically,

1086
00:46:08,270 --> 00:46:09,470
so I didn't have to do extra chemo.

1087
00:46:09,470 --> 00:46:11,030
I could do radiation instead.

1088
00:46:11,030 --> 00:46:14,483
So I go get radiation,
and my oncologist is like,

1089
00:46:15,500 --> 00:46:16,640
there's a separate one for this,

1090
00:46:16,640 --> 00:46:18,620
and she's a nice, sweet
little southern woman,

1091
00:46:18,620 --> 00:46:20,467
and she says to me,

1092
00:46:20,467 --> 00:46:22,610
how're you feeling
about the whole process?

1093
00:46:22,610 --> 00:46:23,443
Are you comfortable?

1094
00:46:23,443 --> 00:46:24,950
And I'm like, yeah, no, I'm into it.

1095
00:46:24,950 --> 00:46:27,830
I unfortunately did,
because I'm me, do the math,

1096
00:46:27,830 --> 00:46:29,390
and I don't love what I discovered.

1097
00:46:29,390 --> 00:46:30,223
And she's like, what do you mean?

1098
00:46:30,223 --> 00:46:32,120
I was like, well, if you gave me

1099
00:46:32,120 --> 00:46:34,280
all the radiation you're
going to give me in one day

1100
00:46:34,280 --> 00:46:36,140
instead of spaced out
over a couple of weeks,

1101
00:46:36,140 --> 00:46:38,180
I would die of radiation poisoning.

1102
00:46:38,180 --> 00:46:39,710
And she was like, oh, honey. Yeah.

1103
00:46:39,710 --> 00:46:42,413
That's why we spread it out over 12 days.

1104
00:46:44,750 --> 00:46:46,580
No, I wanted you to tell
me I did the math wrong!

1105
00:46:46,580 --> 00:46:50,270
That's not what I wanted to hear!

1106
00:46:50,270 --> 00:46:52,010
So you go to the place to get radiation.

1107
00:46:52,010 --> 00:46:53,960
You go every day, and you walk in,

1108
00:46:53,960 --> 00:46:55,790
and there's, they call it the labyrinth.

1109
00:46:55,790 --> 00:46:57,260
Literally, that's what it's called.

1110
00:46:57,260 --> 00:46:58,820
It's a room that is
structured in such a way

1111
00:46:58,820 --> 00:47:02,300
so the photons cannot escape
and hurt people besides you.

1112
00:47:02,300 --> 00:47:04,970
Labyrinths, not traditionally
great for protagonists,

1113
00:47:04,970 --> 00:47:08,060
but I'm here, lying down,

1114
00:47:08,060 --> 00:47:10,190
and there is a particle
accelerator with me,

1115
00:47:10,190 --> 00:47:12,860
most expensive machine
I've ever been near,

1116
00:47:12,860 --> 00:47:15,440
going to do ridiculous things to my body.

1117
00:47:15,440 --> 00:47:17,720
If I got this level of
radiation exposure at work,

1118
00:47:17,720 --> 00:47:19,850
I could sue them for so much money,

1119
00:47:19,850 --> 00:47:22,910
but I'm doing it on
purpose, so it costs money,

1120
00:47:22,910 --> 00:47:25,536
and so I lay down on the thing

1121
00:47:25,536 --> 00:47:28,610
and it sort of moves around me,

1122
00:47:28,610 --> 00:47:32,090
this giant robot particle
accelerator laser thing,

1123
00:47:32,090 --> 00:47:33,770
and then I know that it's going to be

1124
00:47:33,770 --> 00:47:35,180
one of the most impactful things

1125
00:47:35,180 --> 00:47:37,220
that ever happens to my
body, and it happens,

1126
00:47:37,220 --> 00:47:40,373
and it feels like nothing,
and it makes this noise.

1127
00:47:41,733 --> 00:47:44,150
(Hank beeps)

1128
00:47:46,336 --> 00:47:48,905
Then it moves to a different
spot, and it's like...

1129
00:47:48,905 --> 00:47:52,040
(Hank beeping)

1130
00:47:52,040 --> 00:47:54,830
It's the future. We have
arrived in the future.

1131
00:47:54,830 --> 00:47:56,273
Fucking make it sound cool.

1132
00:47:57,950 --> 00:48:02,240
Now they make electric
cars go like... (ululating)

1133
00:48:02,240 --> 00:48:03,833
Give it a space laser noise!

1134
00:48:04,910 --> 00:48:08,603
So I do the radiation, and then
I'm officially cancer free.

1135
00:48:09,440 --> 00:48:11,660
It's weird. Being in remission is weird.

1136
00:48:11,660 --> 00:48:12,860
I know that you want to cheer for me.

1137
00:48:12,860 --> 00:48:16,583
That's good. You can do that.
(audience cheering)

1138
00:48:20,354 --> 00:48:24,170
So, are there any Cancers in the audience?

1139
00:48:24,170 --> 00:48:26,330
Star sign, not disease.

1140
00:48:26,330 --> 00:48:27,380
What's up, Cancers? What's up?

1141
00:48:27,380 --> 00:48:29,750
This is the part of the show
where we all apologize to you

1142
00:48:29,750 --> 00:48:33,443
for having clearly the worst
name possible for a star sign.

1143
00:48:34,753 --> 00:48:36,770
The names of the star signs, really,

1144
00:48:36,770 --> 00:48:39,230
it reads like a list written by a person

1145
00:48:39,230 --> 00:48:41,130
for whom the mushrooms are kicking in.

1146
00:48:42,530 --> 00:48:46,100
In the beginning, they're
writing down the list,

1147
00:48:46,100 --> 00:48:46,933
can you put a lion on there?

1148
00:48:46,933 --> 00:48:49,880
And he's like, Leo, great. Leo, lion.

1149
00:48:49,880 --> 00:48:52,400
Can you put scorpion? Scorpio, dope.

1150
00:48:52,400 --> 00:48:55,430
That's also a cool animal.
We're making a cool animal list.

1151
00:48:55,430 --> 00:48:58,130
And it's like, bull. Taurus, I love...

1152
00:48:58,130 --> 00:48:59,330
That's great, cool animal.

1153
00:48:59,330 --> 00:49:01,580
I love this cool animal list
we're making. What's next?

1154
00:49:01,580 --> 00:49:03,830
Fish. Well, fish is Pisces.

1155
00:49:03,830 --> 00:49:06,740
That's like half of vertebrates.

1156
00:49:06,740 --> 00:49:08,300
Can you be a little more specific?

1157
00:49:08,300 --> 00:49:10,190
You can't just be fish.
And he's like, no, fish.

1158
00:49:10,190 --> 00:49:12,640
I want to put fish on the
list. I don't know why.

1159
00:49:14,010 --> 00:49:18,299
Okay, fish. What about human twins?

1160
00:49:18,299 --> 00:49:20,724
(audience laughing)

1161
00:49:20,724 --> 00:49:24,500
That's weird. I guess that's
also a couple of animals.

1162
00:49:24,500 --> 00:49:26,843
What about a woman carrying water?

1163
00:49:30,230 --> 00:49:31,583
Aquarius.

1164
00:49:34,460 --> 00:49:35,293
Can you...

1165
00:49:35,293 --> 00:49:36,203
I've got an idea.

1166
00:49:37,259 --> 00:49:40,472
This is cool. I'm seeing...

1167
00:49:40,472 --> 00:49:42,980
I'm going to call it Capricorn,

1168
00:49:42,980 --> 00:49:45,263
and it's going to be a goat fish.

1169
00:49:46,430 --> 00:49:47,720
We don't have goat on the list yet!

1170
00:49:47,720 --> 00:49:49,670
We already have fish,
we could just do goat.

1171
00:49:49,670 --> 00:49:53,312
I want to do a goat fish!

1172
00:49:53,312 --> 00:49:54,383
Goat fish.

1173
00:49:55,760 --> 00:49:56,910
I want to do Libra now.

1174
00:49:57,800 --> 00:49:59,003
What's Libra mean?

1175
00:49:59,990 --> 00:50:01,373
Scales.

1176
00:50:02,870 --> 00:50:05,000
Like fish scales? You're
doing a lot of fish stuff.

1177
00:50:05,000 --> 00:50:09,383
No, like the device. I want
to do the device, scales.

1178
00:50:10,548 --> 00:50:13,531
(audience laughing)

1179
00:50:14,480 --> 00:50:17,030
Like for weighing things?

1180
00:50:17,030 --> 00:50:19,883
And Cancer! I want to
put Cancer on the list!

1181
00:50:22,190 --> 00:50:23,810
Belshazzar, are you all right?

1182
00:50:23,810 --> 00:50:25,613
They're ancient Babylonians.

1183
00:50:27,020 --> 00:50:29,570
So yeah, as a person
who tells people stuff

1184
00:50:29,570 --> 00:50:32,660
about how things are, I would
like to tell the Cancers

1185
00:50:32,660 --> 00:50:35,150
why their star sign is the same

1186
00:50:35,150 --> 00:50:36,980
as the name for a bad disease,

1187
00:50:36,980 --> 00:50:39,773
but I can't, 'cause no one
knows, and we'll never know.

1188
00:50:41,420 --> 00:50:45,800
Obviously, both comes from crab, but why?

1189
00:50:45,800 --> 00:50:48,170
So, Hippocrates thought this up.

1190
00:50:48,170 --> 00:50:50,690
Hippocrates, you might know
him from the Hippocratic Oath.

1191
00:50:50,690 --> 00:50:53,510
That's his most famous
work. It goes like this.

1192
00:50:53,510 --> 00:50:55,640
It's an oath that doctors
take. It's really weird.

1193
00:50:55,640 --> 00:50:58,820
I promise not to hurt people on purpose,

1194
00:50:58,820 --> 00:51:00,383
unless I have a good reason.

1195
00:51:03,470 --> 00:51:04,824
And I'm like, okay. Me too.

1196
00:51:04,824 --> 00:51:08,167
(audience laughing)

1197
00:51:08,167 --> 00:51:09,258
I like that, but I don't love

1198
00:51:09,258 --> 00:51:12,650
that you had to take an oath about it.

1199
00:51:12,650 --> 00:51:14,510
I read the Hippocratic
Oath, the original one,

1200
00:51:14,510 --> 00:51:16,100
because I was curious how it went down,

1201
00:51:16,100 --> 00:51:19,490
and I will tell you, the
second bit is even weirder.

1202
00:51:19,490 --> 00:51:21,200
(accent) "Number two."
This is Hippocrates.

1203
00:51:21,200 --> 00:51:24,110
"Number one, don't hurt people
unless you have good reason."

1204
00:51:24,110 --> 00:51:27,590
"Number two, if you are doing house calls,

1205
00:51:27,590 --> 00:51:30,008
do not seduce the slaves
of your patients."

1206
00:51:30,008 --> 00:51:32,990
(audience laughing)

1207
00:51:32,990 --> 00:51:36,350
Steve! There's a guy for
every rule, you know.

1208
00:51:36,350 --> 00:51:38,483
Somebody's the reason that's in there.

1209
00:51:40,010 --> 00:51:42,950
(accent) "Number three, do
not, under any circumstances,

1210
00:51:42,950 --> 00:51:44,423
treat kidney stones."

1211
00:51:46,490 --> 00:51:49,910
Why? That seems like a good
thing for a doctor to do.

1212
00:51:49,910 --> 00:51:51,110
So I looked that up,

1213
00:51:51,110 --> 00:51:53,180
and it turns out that in Ancient Greece,

1214
00:51:53,180 --> 00:51:55,700
there was a whole class of professionals

1215
00:51:55,700 --> 00:51:57,260
who just treated kidney stones,

1216
00:51:57,260 --> 00:51:59,330
and Hippocrates was making
his little doctor cult,

1217
00:51:59,330 --> 00:52:02,840
and he didn't want to have a
turf war over people's kidneys.

1218
00:52:02,840 --> 00:52:05,180
And that seems very weird
to us in the modern day,

1219
00:52:05,180 --> 00:52:06,740
until you remember that we find ourselves

1220
00:52:06,740 --> 00:52:09,547
in the same situation
with regards to teeth.

1221
00:52:09,547 --> 00:52:11,422
(audience laughing)

1222
00:52:11,422 --> 00:52:13,857
If you go into a normal
doctor's office and you're like,

1223
00:52:13,857 --> 00:52:17,757
"I got a problem with my
teeth," they're like, (scoffs)

1224
00:52:17,757 --> 00:52:19,407
"Why did you bring those in here?

1225
00:52:20,690 --> 00:52:22,857
I took an oath! Do you
want to start a war?

1226
00:52:22,857 --> 00:52:25,220
(audience laughing)

1227
00:52:25,220 --> 00:52:26,796
You gotta go to the mall!"

1228
00:52:26,796 --> 00:52:29,600
(audience laughing)

1229
00:52:29,600 --> 00:52:33,470
And then the next one down
is, (accent) "Number four."

1230
00:52:33,470 --> 00:52:35,150
"There's only four, maybe. I don't know."

1231
00:52:35,150 --> 00:52:37,340
"Do not drink wine. Only drink blood.

1232
00:52:37,340 --> 00:52:39,530
"I am vampire, very bad guy."

1233
00:52:39,530 --> 00:52:41,430
"That's why you can still do my accent."

1234
00:52:43,160 --> 00:52:44,240
"Number six."

1235
00:52:44,240 --> 00:52:46,620
"Six, what a wonderful
number! Ha, ha, ha!"

1236
00:52:47,531 --> 00:52:51,470
(audience laughing)

1237
00:52:51,470 --> 00:52:53,870
That's the Hippocratic
Oath portion of the show.

1238
00:52:55,160 --> 00:52:56,720
But I didn't tell you
anything about cancer.

1239
00:52:56,720 --> 00:52:59,090
So he had a separate
document he wrote down.

1240
00:52:59,090 --> 00:53:02,060
"And I will call this disease carcinos,

1241
00:53:02,060 --> 00:53:04,190
which is Greek for crab,

1242
00:53:04,190 --> 00:53:06,170
and then will later be
translated to cancer,

1243
00:53:06,170 --> 00:53:07,550
which is great, because otherwise,

1244
00:53:07,550 --> 00:53:10,940
we'd be calling it a
rare form of brain crab."

1245
00:53:10,940 --> 00:53:12,890
"That would be not good."

1246
00:53:12,890 --> 00:53:15,953
"We don't want people
to get prostate crab."

1247
00:53:17,120 --> 00:53:20,480
"And I will not tell you why,
because 2,500 years from now,

1248
00:53:20,480 --> 00:53:22,580
I want you fuckers to
be arguing about it."

1249
00:53:23,960 --> 00:53:26,093
"An extra special fuck you to Hank Green,

1250
00:53:27,050 --> 00:53:28,880
who will tweet about this,
and then people are like,

1251
00:53:28,880 --> 00:53:30,380
no, it's because the cancer,

1252
00:53:30,380 --> 00:53:32,390
it grabs on like crab, it won't let go."

1253
00:53:32,390 --> 00:53:35,540
"No, it's because the veins of the cancer

1254
00:53:35,540 --> 00:53:36,680
are like the legs of the crab."

1255
00:53:36,680 --> 00:53:38,990
"No, these are interpretations from Galen,

1256
00:53:38,990 --> 00:53:43,310
who is also old guy, but
lived 500 years after me."

1257
00:53:43,310 --> 00:53:46,373
"Not all old guys lived at the same time."

1258
00:53:48,680 --> 00:53:49,703
"Hippocrates."

1259
00:53:51,650 --> 00:53:53,368
"PS, since we are having good time,

1260
00:53:53,368 --> 00:53:55,760
my name, Hippocrates, is two words."

1261
00:53:55,760 --> 00:53:57,785
"Hippo, which means horse.

1262
00:53:57,785 --> 00:53:59,300
Current hippo, just big fat horse."

1263
00:53:59,300 --> 00:54:01,760
"And crates, which means power."

1264
00:54:01,760 --> 00:54:04,181
"So my name is horsepower!"

1265
00:54:04,181 --> 00:54:06,290
(audience laughing)

1266
00:54:06,290 --> 00:54:10,043
"Which in the future, will
be very cool. Vroom, vroom!"

1267
00:54:10,880 --> 00:54:12,530
"But right now, it's just kind of cool."

1268
00:54:12,530 --> 00:54:14,380
"Power of one horse. Clop, clop, clop."

1269
00:54:15,650 --> 00:54:16,850
"But that is all we have."

1270
00:54:18,710 --> 00:54:20,045
"Hippocrates out."

1271
00:54:20,045 --> 00:54:23,090
(audience laughing)

1272
00:54:23,090 --> 00:54:26,030
So, we don't know. We don't
know why you're called Cancer.

1273
00:54:26,030 --> 00:54:28,730
It sucks, you're either
a disease or a bug fish,

1274
00:54:28,730 --> 00:54:29,870
and that's what we know.

1275
00:54:29,870 --> 00:54:32,660
But you did get the 69
as your little logo.

1276
00:54:32,660 --> 00:54:35,779
That is dope. It's a nice
little constellation prize.

1277
00:54:35,779 --> 00:54:40,029
(audience laughing and applauding)

1278
00:54:43,400 --> 00:54:45,920
So, here's how I'm going to end this show.

1279
00:54:45,920 --> 00:54:47,870
There's a lot of things that people say

1280
00:54:47,870 --> 00:54:49,550
to people who have cancer, you know?

1281
00:54:49,550 --> 00:54:51,620
I heard a lot of different things,

1282
00:54:51,620 --> 00:54:53,630
and most of them are amazing and lovely,

1283
00:54:53,630 --> 00:54:55,280
so you don't have to worry too much.

1284
00:54:55,280 --> 00:54:57,658
But there's something,
a thing that I heard

1285
00:54:57,658 --> 00:55:01,220
a number of times, that I
want to warn you away from.

1286
00:55:01,220 --> 00:55:03,350
It goes like this. "How are you doing?"

1287
00:55:03,350 --> 00:55:05,120
And I say, I'm okay.

1288
00:55:05,120 --> 00:55:07,763
And they say, "but how
are you really doing?"

1289
00:55:12,230 --> 00:55:14,960
Do you want to come to my standup special?

1290
00:55:14,960 --> 00:55:16,370
I can tell you how I'm really doing.

1291
00:55:16,370 --> 00:55:17,870
What was your name again?

1292
00:55:17,870 --> 00:55:21,533
Jolena, can I use your name?
It's not, like, in a nice way.

1293
00:55:21,533 --> 00:55:24,283
(audience laughing)

1294
00:55:24,283 --> 00:55:26,243
You say that after the yes.

1295
00:55:27,080 --> 00:55:29,840
Jolena, there's a 5% chance

1296
00:55:29,840 --> 00:55:31,370
that I'm going to be dead in five years,

1297
00:55:31,370 --> 00:55:34,643
and a 0% chance I'm going to
tell you how I'm really doing.

1298
00:55:36,230 --> 00:55:39,920
My mom is a Roman Stoic,
and my dog is doing chores,

1299
00:55:39,920 --> 00:55:42,593
and the flight attendant
is crying, Jolena.

1300
00:55:43,490 --> 00:55:44,933
I'm a bunch of ants.

1301
00:55:46,970 --> 00:55:49,760
I'm like a bunch of ants, and
one of my ants is named Trent,

1302
00:55:49,760 --> 00:55:51,203
and he's a real dick hole.

1303
00:55:52,640 --> 00:55:56,900
Speaking of dick holes,
my penis hurts, Jolena.

1304
00:55:56,900 --> 00:55:57,920
Is that what you wanted to know

1305
00:55:57,920 --> 00:55:59,540
when you asked how am I really doing?

1306
00:55:59,540 --> 00:56:01,040
You want to hear about the penis pain?

1307
00:56:01,040 --> 00:56:02,930
Let me tell you about constipation.

1308
00:56:02,930 --> 00:56:04,610
I thought it was like a fun little thing

1309
00:56:04,610 --> 00:56:05,720
that happens sometimes.

1310
00:56:05,720 --> 00:56:08,120
No, the last step on
the constipation journey

1311
00:56:08,120 --> 00:56:09,970
is they cut you open and take it out.

1312
00:56:11,900 --> 00:56:12,786
Jolena.

1313
00:56:12,786 --> 00:56:15,052
(audience laughing)

1314
00:56:15,052 --> 00:56:17,570
You want to know how
close I am? I got close.

1315
00:56:17,570 --> 00:56:19,340
Here's what it said in
my symptoms journal.

1316
00:56:19,340 --> 00:56:20,360
Here's an exact quote.

1317
00:56:20,360 --> 00:56:21,680
When it finally happened,

1318
00:56:21,680 --> 00:56:23,960
it was like a 12 foot long sisal rope

1319
00:56:23,960 --> 00:56:26,290
with knots tied in it every six inches.

1320
00:56:26,290 --> 00:56:28,610
(audience laughing)

1321
00:56:28,610 --> 00:56:29,480
Is that what you wanted to know?

1322
00:56:29,480 --> 00:56:31,292
I'm a very private person, Jolena.

1323
00:56:31,292 --> 00:56:33,575
(audience laughing)

1324
00:56:35,392 --> 00:56:37,507
But also, people are showing up for me

1325
00:56:37,507 --> 00:56:40,910
in big and little ways, like
they're bringing me sandwiches

1326
00:56:40,910 --> 00:56:43,190
and they're not making me
go on their Zoom calls.

1327
00:56:43,190 --> 00:56:45,200
It's really amazing to finally
be in a place in my life

1328
00:56:45,200 --> 00:56:48,470
where I feel like I can be
the one who's getting support,

1329
00:56:48,470 --> 00:56:49,490
and not doing the supporting,

1330
00:56:49,490 --> 00:56:50,720
and that was hard for me at first,

1331
00:56:50,720 --> 00:56:52,607
but it took some adjustment,
but now I'm doing it,

1332
00:56:52,607 --> 00:56:53,990
and it feels really good,

1333
00:56:53,990 --> 00:56:56,270
and it feels good to be part
of a community that matters.

1334
00:56:56,270 --> 00:56:59,000
And Jolena, this butterfly!
Look at that butterfly!

1335
00:56:59,000 --> 00:57:01,190
It's beautiful, and it's temporary,

1336
00:57:01,190 --> 00:57:05,660
and it's part of the same
3.7 billion year long history

1337
00:57:05,660 --> 00:57:08,360
of living chemistry that has
been roving across this planet

1338
00:57:08,360 --> 00:57:10,610
finding life in every
single crack and crevice.

1339
00:57:10,610 --> 00:57:14,450
And 3.7 billion years, that
sounds like a long time,

1340
00:57:14,450 --> 00:57:16,760
but it sounds like a longer
time when you realize that

1341
00:57:16,760 --> 00:57:20,900
that's almost 30% of the
entire history of the universe.

1342
00:57:20,900 --> 00:57:23,900
That's how long it took to
go from one cell becoming two

1343
00:57:23,900 --> 00:57:26,630
to, like, this, to all of you.

1344
00:57:26,630 --> 00:57:28,583
Jolena, I'm jealous of cups,

1345
00:57:30,020 --> 00:57:31,520
but also, I'm not a cup.

1346
00:57:31,520 --> 00:57:33,920
Almost all of the universe

1347
00:57:33,920 --> 00:57:37,310
can't think or see or
feel or know anything.

1348
00:57:37,310 --> 00:57:38,780
I get to be one of the tiny slices

1349
00:57:38,780 --> 00:57:42,000
that gets to do that stuff,
and that's absolutely wild.

1350
00:57:42,000 --> 00:57:44,390
That's how I'm really doing, Jolena.

1351
00:57:44,390 --> 00:57:46,883
And when you look at
an ant colony, Jolena,

1352
00:57:48,890 --> 00:57:51,590
the unit of the colony is the ant.

1353
00:57:51,590 --> 00:57:53,030
And when you look at a person,

1354
00:57:53,030 --> 00:57:56,471
the unit of the person is the cell.

1355
00:57:56,471 --> 00:57:58,610
Ants and people work the same way,

1356
00:57:58,610 --> 00:58:00,980
where we use chemical signals to control

1357
00:58:00,980 --> 00:58:04,250
how the colony behaves,
but the unit of a humanity

1358
00:58:04,250 --> 00:58:07,280
is a human, and we don't
get to use chemical signals.

1359
00:58:07,280 --> 00:58:09,200
We have some other way of doing it,

1360
00:58:09,200 --> 00:58:12,140
and I don't understand what
that is, and it's wild.

1361
00:58:12,140 --> 00:58:15,560
It's wild that 8 billion
people can live together

1362
00:58:15,560 --> 00:58:19,460
on the same weird little
rock and make it mostly work,

1363
00:58:19,460 --> 00:58:20,870
but what are we signaling with?

1364
00:58:20,870 --> 00:58:22,400
What's the thing that holds it together?

1365
00:58:22,400 --> 00:58:24,110
Is it that this person loves this person,

1366
00:58:24,110 --> 00:58:25,760
who loves this person,
who loves this person,

1367
00:58:25,760 --> 00:58:27,563
all the way down the line forever?

1368
00:58:28,700 --> 00:58:30,560
I'm thinking a lot about the
Baltimore Orioles lately,

1369
00:58:30,560 --> 00:58:31,542
Jolena.

1370
00:58:31,542 --> 00:58:34,092
(audience laughing)

1371
00:58:36,740 --> 00:58:38,540
And either they're going to get me,

1372
00:58:38,540 --> 00:58:39,833
or I'm going to get them.

1373
00:58:41,000 --> 00:58:43,730
But either way, what comes next,

1374
00:58:43,730 --> 00:58:45,480
I think it's going to be beautiful.

1375
00:58:46,370 --> 00:58:47,205
Thank you, everybody.

1376
00:58:47,205 --> 00:58:52,205
That was my show.
(audience cheering)

1377
00:59:01,672 --> 00:59:02,780
(cheerful music)

1378
00:59:02,780 --> 00:59:05,240
So, like any good standup comedy show,

1379
00:59:05,240 --> 00:59:06,833
this one has corrections.

1380
00:59:09,290 --> 00:59:11,420
The Titanic, if you go visit it,

1381
00:59:11,420 --> 00:59:12,980
you actually have a lower death rate

1382
00:59:12,980 --> 00:59:14,630
than just getting Hodgkin's lymphoma.

1383
00:59:14,630 --> 00:59:16,610
250 people have visited the Titanic,

1384
00:59:16,610 --> 00:59:18,530
and only five have died.

1385
00:59:18,530 --> 00:59:19,363
Fuck.

1386
00:59:21,080 --> 00:59:23,870
Cal Ripken Jr. is not a
catcher. He's a shortstop.

1387
00:59:23,870 --> 00:59:26,753
He was wearing a catcher's
mask because that's scary.

1388
00:59:28,610 --> 00:59:31,010
A murder of orioles is not real.

1389
00:59:31,010 --> 00:59:33,440
A group of Baltimore
Orioles, not quite named,

1390
00:59:33,440 --> 00:59:36,710
but someone has suggested to
call it a pitch of Orioles,

1391
00:59:36,710 --> 00:59:38,360
which is, I think, very clever.

1392
00:59:38,360 --> 00:59:41,060
Ass crack hair may have a use.

1393
00:59:41,060 --> 00:59:42,380
It's provides resistance

1394
00:59:42,380 --> 00:59:43,970
to the friction between your butt crack,

1395
00:59:43,970 --> 00:59:46,100
and this can help for distance running.

1396
00:59:46,100 --> 00:59:48,538
Matchbox 20 did not write "Closing Time".

1397
00:59:48,538 --> 00:59:51,038
(audience laughing)

1398
00:59:52,130 --> 00:59:54,170
I had to keep that in the show, though,

1399
00:59:54,170 --> 00:59:56,360
because when I looked up Matchbox 20,

1400
00:59:56,360 --> 00:59:58,460
I was like, I wonder where
their name comes from.

1401
00:59:58,460 --> 01:00:02,651
And I Googled it. The story is so boring.

1402
01:00:02,651 --> 01:00:05,837
If you find out, it will
make your life worse.

1403
01:00:05,837 --> 01:00:09,830
But I also know that some of
you, having been told this,

1404
01:00:09,830 --> 01:00:12,380
are going to go home, and
you're going to go into Google,

1405
01:00:12,380 --> 01:00:15,737
and you're go type in,
"Matchbox 20 name come from,"

1406
01:00:16,880 --> 01:00:20,720
and while your life gets
worse, I want you to remember

1407
01:00:20,720 --> 01:00:23,030
that I told you it was going
to make your life worse,

1408
01:00:23,030 --> 01:00:25,250
but also I told you that because I knew

1409
01:00:25,250 --> 01:00:27,680
you were going to do what
you are doing right now,

1410
01:00:27,680 --> 01:00:29,933
and that makes me feel very powerful.

1411
01:00:33,290 --> 01:00:34,223
Think about me.