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Downloaded from
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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<i>Every year, a</i>
<i>million people commit suicide.</i>

4
00:00:44,435 --> 00:00:46,133
<i>A million!</i>

5
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<i>That's 2,800 a day.</i>

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00:00:54,271 --> 00:00:56,882
<i>That's one every 30 seconds.</i>

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There goes another guy!

8
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<i>Does anyone</i>
<i>have drugs to ease my pain?</i>

9
00:01:22,212 --> 00:01:23,648
My kingdom for a Quaalude.

10
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<i>Do you know how hard it is</i>

11
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<i>to get a doctor to</i>
<i>write you a prescription</i>

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00:01:33,658 --> 00:01:35,269
<i>for a pill you don't need?</i>

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It's not hard.

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<i>I love my parents so much,</i>

15
00:01:42,711 --> 00:01:44,321
<i>I lost my dad.</i>

16
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<i>I didn't lose him.</i>

17
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I mean, I know where
he's at right now.

18
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<i>I've never</i>
<i>really thought of myself</i>

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00:01:52,851 --> 00:01:55,332
<i>as depressed</i>
<i>as much as paralyzed by hope.</i>

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00:01:57,334 --> 00:01:58,553
<i>That's</i>
<i>what your 30s is all about;</i>

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00:01:58,683 --> 00:02:00,511
<i>"How can I turn</i>
<i>this shit around?</i>

22
00:02:00,859 --> 00:02:02,383
I'm a horrible
person.

23
00:02:02,513 --> 00:02:03,906
Help me, Tony Robbins, help me."

24
00:02:04,820 --> 00:02:05,690
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

25
00:02:05,821 --> 00:02:07,736
Hi.

26
00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:10,608
Yeah, I think we should
all just come and sit down,

27
00:02:10,739 --> 00:02:12,567
and just shoot the shit.

28
00:02:15,352 --> 00:02:16,788
<i>What did they</i>
<i>say you'd be doing today?</i>

29
00:02:16,919 --> 00:02:18,921
<i>Just hang out</i>
<i>other comedians</i>

30
00:02:19,051 --> 00:02:21,402
and talk about mental health.

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00:02:22,533 --> 00:02:24,709
<i>I thought that we</i>
<i>were gonna be healed</i>

32
00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:26,450
by Neil Patrick Harris.

33
00:02:28,887 --> 00:02:31,716
<i>And then it culminates in</i>
<i>a beauty pageant, right?</i>

34
00:02:33,370 --> 00:02:34,589
<i>Why is everybody so</i>
<i>cute on this show?</i>

35
00:02:34,719 --> 00:02:36,199
Myself included.

36
00:02:36,330 --> 00:02:37,331
- Camera set.
- All right, here we go.

37
00:02:37,461 --> 00:02:38,462
Ready?

38
00:02:38,593 --> 00:02:39,811
All right, looking right at me.

39
00:02:39,985 --> 00:02:41,987
Can we also make it clear
this is my living room

40
00:02:42,118 --> 00:02:43,946
and I'm lending it
to all the comedians

41
00:02:44,076 --> 00:02:45,556
to be interviewed in?

42
00:02:45,687 --> 00:02:47,036
All right, you guys
are rolling on everything?

43
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:47,906
- Yep.
- Okay.

44
00:02:48,037 --> 00:02:49,125
Great.

45
00:02:51,083 --> 00:02:52,084
Quiet please.

46
00:02:59,135 --> 00:03:00,702
Hi.

47
00:03:00,832 --> 00:03:02,182
Hello, everybody.

48
00:03:02,312 --> 00:03:03,400
Hey there, how are ya?

49
00:03:03,531 --> 00:03:04,619
Hi.

50
00:03:16,631 --> 00:03:17,806
Okay, who wants to start?

51
00:03:40,089 --> 00:03:42,091
All right,

52
00:03:43,832 --> 00:03:44,833
<i>here we go.</i>

53
00:03:49,838 --> 00:03:51,318
<i>C mark.</i>

54
00:03:54,973 --> 00:03:55,974
E mark.

55
00:03:57,498 --> 00:04:00,457
I've done five solo
autobiographical shows,

56
00:04:00,588 --> 00:04:02,067
and my director, he
and I always talk about

57
00:04:02,198 --> 00:04:06,420
how it's crucial that
the show is not therapy.

58
00:04:07,638 --> 00:04:09,336
<i>If it becomes therapy,</i>

59
00:04:09,466 --> 00:04:11,338
<i>it loses the point,</i>

60
00:04:11,468 --> 00:04:12,774
'cause in therapy,

61
00:04:12,904 --> 00:04:15,298
you're essentially
putting on your therapist...

62
00:04:16,865 --> 00:04:18,345
...your problems,
your challenges,

63
00:04:18,475 --> 00:04:19,911
your issues,

64
00:04:20,042 --> 00:04:22,000
with the hope that you're
working through them.

65
00:04:23,437 --> 00:04:24,916
And with a show,

66
00:04:25,047 --> 00:04:27,310
you're giving
the audience something.

67
00:04:27,441 --> 00:04:30,095
It's actually, in some
ways, the opposite,

68
00:04:30,226 --> 00:04:32,707
or it's certainly not
the same thing at all.

69
00:04:34,404 --> 00:04:37,015
Ideally, you're providing
something to the audience

70
00:04:37,146 --> 00:04:38,539
and not putting it on them.

71
00:04:39,714 --> 00:04:41,237
So who here has struggled

72
00:04:41,368 --> 00:04:43,152
with mental health
in their lives?

73
00:04:45,807 --> 00:04:47,548
Yes, oh, wow.

74
00:04:47,678 --> 00:04:49,593
Oh, wow, I was assuming everyone

75
00:04:49,724 --> 00:04:50,464
was gonna raise their hands.

76
00:04:50,594 --> 00:04:51,291
- Yes.
- The audience is like,

77
00:04:51,421 --> 00:04:52,509
"We're fine."

78
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,772
You're either very
healthy or lying.

79
00:04:57,688 --> 00:04:59,516
Welcome, everybody.

80
00:04:59,647 --> 00:05:02,258
What we are doing here today

81
00:05:02,389 --> 00:05:05,043
is not a comedy show,

82
00:05:05,174 --> 00:05:07,350
although the people
that we have invited up

83
00:05:07,481 --> 00:05:10,135
make their living
doing stand-up comedy.

84
00:05:10,266 --> 00:05:11,920
The six people who are here

85
00:05:12,050 --> 00:05:14,531
have been able to use the things

86
00:05:14,662 --> 00:05:15,967
that have happened to
them in their lives

87
00:05:16,098 --> 00:05:17,491
in effective ways.

88
00:05:17,621 --> 00:05:19,275
And I think what I wanted to do

89
00:05:19,406 --> 00:05:21,930
was have sort of a group
therapy discussion.

90
00:05:22,452 --> 00:05:24,715
To be clear, I am
not a therapist.

91
00:05:24,846 --> 00:05:25,934
- I was gonna ask, yeah.
- Really?

92
00:05:26,064 --> 00:05:28,153
- Unusual.
- I am not a stand-up comic.

93
00:05:29,241 --> 00:05:30,939
I am wildly unclear

94
00:05:31,069 --> 00:05:33,158
as to why I am doing this,

95
00:05:33,289 --> 00:05:34,899
moderating.

96
00:05:35,030 --> 00:05:36,466
I think I'm affable.

97
00:05:36,901 --> 00:05:38,207
Yeah.

98
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:40,035
And we got chosen as the
mentally ill comedians

99
00:05:40,165 --> 00:05:41,297
to be in this, yeah.

100
00:05:41,428 --> 00:05:42,429
So it's really a high--

101
00:05:42,559 --> 00:05:43,734
Out of
thousands of people --

102
00:05:43,865 --> 00:05:44,779
I know.

103
00:05:44,909 --> 00:05:45,736
They chose us.

104
00:05:45,867 --> 00:05:47,129
From all around the world,

105
00:05:47,259 --> 00:05:48,609
- they chose <i>us.</i>
- Yeah,

106
00:05:48,739 --> 00:05:49,871
there's a lot of comedians.

107
00:05:50,001 --> 00:05:51,307
We stuck out.

108
00:06:00,925 --> 00:06:02,449
Oh, I don't know,

109
00:06:02,579 --> 00:06:05,887
but sometimes --I hope I'll
eventually answer this question,

110
00:06:06,540 --> 00:06:09,760
but I'm gonna start
here, in kindergarten,

111
00:06:09,891 --> 00:06:11,022
<i>announcing to the class</i>

112
00:06:11,153 --> 00:06:14,025
<i>during show and</i>
<i>tell that I could --</i>

113
00:06:14,156 --> 00:06:15,244
Here was the thing
that was going on

114
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:16,767
in show and tell
when I was five,

115
00:06:16,898 --> 00:06:18,813
the kids were lying.

116
00:06:18,943 --> 00:06:21,163
And so when it became clear

117
00:06:21,293 --> 00:06:23,078
that you weren't being
punished for lying,

118
00:06:23,208 --> 00:06:25,254
I was like,
"Well, fuck this,

119
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:26,690
I'm going for it,"

120
00:06:26,821 --> 00:06:29,911
and I said,
"I can speak French."

121
00:06:30,215 --> 00:06:32,566
I couldn't really speak French,
I could just do a French accent

122
00:06:32,696 --> 00:06:34,306
'cause I had seen
Inspector Clouseau

123
00:06:34,437 --> 00:06:36,787
in "The Pink Panther"
movies growing up.

124
00:06:36,918 --> 00:06:39,050
My mom would take me
to the movie theater.

125
00:06:39,181 --> 00:06:40,835
And we were poor,

126
00:06:40,965 --> 00:06:44,055
so that was like our air
conditioning for a summer day.

127
00:06:44,186 --> 00:06:45,927
So I got up in front of
the kindergarten kids

128
00:06:46,057 --> 00:06:47,407
and my teacher,

129
00:06:47,537 --> 00:06:50,627
and I said, "Pardon
me, monsieur,

130
00:06:50,758 --> 00:06:53,064
do you have a license
for your monkey?"

131
00:06:53,978 --> 00:06:55,284
And then everyone laughed,

132
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:58,635
and I thought, "Oh, I'll
do everything I need to

133
00:06:58,766 --> 00:07:01,638
to make this happen
again and again."

134
00:07:01,769 --> 00:07:03,640
When was the first time
you thought you were funny?

135
00:07:03,771 --> 00:07:05,860
I was never the class
clown in school.

136
00:07:05,990 --> 00:07:07,514
I know some people were,

137
00:07:07,644 --> 00:07:10,255
but in my town, I grew up
in Massachusetts, like Gary --

138
00:07:11,213 --> 00:07:12,475
the class clown
was the mean guy.

139
00:07:12,606 --> 00:07:13,824
- Oh, yeah.
- Walks in the room, is like,

140
00:07:13,955 --> 00:07:15,609
"You're fat, you're
gay, I'm outta here."

141
00:07:17,175 --> 00:07:18,612
I was always a little
fat and a little gay.

142
00:07:18,742 --> 00:07:19,787
I never got along

143
00:07:19,917 --> 00:07:23,138
with that guy.
I wasn't class clown.

144
00:07:23,268 --> 00:07:24,531
The first time I ever
remember getting attention

145
00:07:24,661 --> 00:07:26,271
was I was probably five,

146
00:07:26,402 --> 00:07:28,622
I remember I actually
pulled my pants down

147
00:07:28,752 --> 00:07:31,494
and just shat in our backyard.

148
00:07:31,625 --> 00:07:33,453
So it was physical
comedy first or?

149
00:07:33,583 --> 00:07:35,716
So that was the height

150
00:07:35,846 --> 00:07:36,891
of my sophistication.

151
00:07:37,021 --> 00:07:38,893
No, that was prop comedy.

152
00:07:39,023 --> 00:07:41,939
Prop comedy.

153
00:07:42,070 --> 00:07:43,027
<i>When I was a girl,</i>

154
00:07:43,158 --> 00:07:45,029
<i>I liked my insides,</i>

155
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:46,378
but I didn't like my outsides.

156
00:07:46,509 --> 00:07:47,858
<i>I knew I was, like,</i>
<i>sweet and funny</i>

157
00:07:47,989 --> 00:07:50,513
<i>and nice and charming,</i>

158
00:07:50,644 --> 00:07:52,733
but I didn't like how I looked.
I didn't like that --

159
00:07:53,211 --> 00:07:55,083
I didn't think I was cool.

160
00:07:55,213 --> 00:07:57,477
It felt like I was auditioning.

161
00:07:57,607 --> 00:07:59,000
Like life was one big audition

162
00:07:59,130 --> 00:08:00,654
and everybody was judging me.

163
00:08:00,915 --> 00:08:03,918
Yeah, that's who I was
when I was younger.

164
00:08:04,048 --> 00:08:04,875
<i>I couldn't take a joke.</i>

165
00:08:05,006 --> 00:08:06,573
I was the worst.

166
00:08:06,703 --> 00:08:08,009
All my family were funny

167
00:08:08,139 --> 00:08:09,401
when they'd be
roasting each other,

168
00:08:09,532 --> 00:08:11,534
and I'd be crying, like,
"Don't say mean things."

169
00:08:11,665 --> 00:08:14,015
And everyone was like, "You
need to get a tough skin.

170
00:08:14,145 --> 00:08:17,366
You're eight."

171
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:18,715
"You need to grow up,
we are the Hugheses,

172
00:08:18,846 --> 00:08:20,717
we are a funny
family, we make jokes,

173
00:08:20,848 --> 00:08:22,023
this is what we do."

174
00:08:22,153 --> 00:08:23,372
And I'm like, "No,
you're teasing me."

175
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:25,505
And then something
transitioned in me,

176
00:08:25,635 --> 00:08:26,418
and I said to my dad,

177
00:08:26,549 --> 00:08:27,898
like, "Dad, I think I'm ready."

178
00:08:28,029 --> 00:08:29,334
And he was like, "Listen,

179
00:08:29,465 --> 00:08:31,206
now, it better be good

180
00:08:31,336 --> 00:08:32,816
if you're bringing
it to the table."

181
00:08:32,947 --> 00:08:34,949
And I was like, "I'm bringing
a joke to the table."

182
00:08:35,079 --> 00:08:36,994
And I made a joke
up when I was eight.

183
00:08:37,125 --> 00:08:38,300
- What was it?
- So I was like,

184
00:08:38,430 --> 00:08:40,650
"What'd
you call a Rastaman

185
00:08:40,781 --> 00:08:41,738
that wears glasses?

186
00:08:42,652 --> 00:08:44,524
Rasta-four-eye."

187
00:08:44,654 --> 00:08:46,569
And they all went.

188
00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:49,050
"That's pretty good."

189
00:08:49,180 --> 00:08:50,312
And I was in, I told my joke,

190
00:08:50,442 --> 00:08:52,227
and I was funny from then.

191
00:08:52,357 --> 00:08:53,837
I didn't cry when people
teased me anymore,

192
00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:55,273
I was in, I was in.

193
00:08:55,404 --> 00:08:58,102
But I also like that
they were very angry

194
00:08:58,233 --> 00:08:59,190
about the comedy.

195
00:08:59,321 --> 00:09:00,278
Yeah, 'cause they were like,

196
00:09:00,409 --> 00:09:01,497
- "Listen"...
- "Why can't you take

197
00:09:01,628 --> 00:09:02,454
- a joke?"
- ..."we're a funny family."

198
00:09:02,585 --> 00:09:03,412
Yes.

199
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:05,719
"We are the funny Hugheses."

200
00:09:05,849 --> 00:09:08,025
I envy y'all with like,

201
00:09:08,156 --> 00:09:09,636
"Oh, my family's so funny."

202
00:09:09,766 --> 00:09:12,595
It's like, I come from a
family of non-laughers.

203
00:09:12,726 --> 00:09:14,379
They're not interested
in anything.

204
00:09:14,510 --> 00:09:15,816
My grandma doesn't
listen to any music.

205
00:09:15,946 --> 00:09:17,382
She doesn't listen to TV,

206
00:09:17,513 --> 00:09:19,341
nothing, it's just
silence in the home.

207
00:09:19,471 --> 00:09:20,777
She just cooks and eats.

208
00:09:20,908 --> 00:09:22,605
And so it's just like,

209
00:09:22,736 --> 00:09:24,215
I really need this
is what I'm saying.

210
00:09:26,217 --> 00:09:28,089
<i>Yeah, I don't know if</i>
<i>anything my family does</i>

211
00:09:28,219 --> 00:09:30,874
is a typical
family dynamic.

212
00:09:32,093 --> 00:09:35,879
<i>In Japan, it was taboo</i>
<i>to even be from a family</i>

213
00:09:36,010 --> 00:09:38,403
where, "It's broken,"
they call it, right?

214
00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:43,844
So, like I was the
only kid in my class,

215
00:09:43,974 --> 00:09:46,063
usually, with divorced parents.

216
00:09:46,629 --> 00:09:47,891
How did you develop
your sense of humor

217
00:09:48,022 --> 00:09:49,589
if that was your upbringing?

218
00:09:49,937 --> 00:09:51,416
It was from watching TV.

219
00:09:51,547 --> 00:09:53,375
I learned English
from "Scooby-Doo."

220
00:09:53,505 --> 00:09:54,985
- And so --
- Wow.

221
00:09:55,116 --> 00:09:56,247
- Zoinks.
- Zoinks.

222
00:09:57,379 --> 00:09:58,772
So I was an outcast.

223
00:09:58,902 --> 00:09:59,599
Yeah.

224
00:09:59,729 --> 00:10:01,252
They were like, "What?

225
00:10:01,383 --> 00:10:02,297
- Why does she talk like that?"
- But that's probably how

226
00:10:02,427 --> 00:10:03,907
you developed your
sense of humor

227
00:10:04,038 --> 00:10:07,258
was because everybody's
just cooking and --

228
00:10:07,389 --> 00:10:08,651
Yeah, and then so I was like,

229
00:10:08,782 --> 00:10:10,566
"Is this deadpan comedy?"

230
00:10:11,915 --> 00:10:13,264
<i>And there was</i>
<i>like, "Eat," right?</i>

231
00:10:13,395 --> 00:10:15,005
"Eat, please, eat."

232
00:10:15,136 --> 00:10:16,050
"Did you eat? No?

233
00:10:16,180 --> 00:10:17,486
Eat, please, eat, eat,

234
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:19,009
eat, eat, eat, eat,

235
00:10:19,140 --> 00:10:20,663
eat, eat, eat, eat, eat."

236
00:10:20,794 --> 00:10:22,578
"Did you eat? No? No?
I didn't think so, eat, please,

237
00:10:22,709 --> 00:10:23,753
eat, now, eat, eat."

238
00:10:23,884 --> 00:10:25,712
"Did you eat? No?
Please, eat, I cook,

239
00:10:25,842 --> 00:10:26,843
eat, now, please."

240
00:10:27,017 --> 00:10:28,802
"Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat.
Did you eat? No?

241
00:10:28,932 --> 00:10:29,977
Please, eat, eat, eat,
eat, eat, eat, eat.

242
00:10:30,151 --> 00:10:32,109
Did you eat? No?
I didn't think so, I cook,

243
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:33,241
now, eat, please, eat."

244
00:10:33,371 --> 00:10:34,372
"Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat."

245
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:39,856
And then the next
time they see you,

246
00:10:39,987 --> 00:10:40,770
they call you fat.

247
00:10:44,078 --> 00:10:45,732
Hi, Atsuko.

248
00:10:45,862 --> 00:10:46,733
- Hi.
- I am home.

249
00:10:46,863 --> 00:10:48,038
Hi.

250
00:10:49,213 --> 00:10:50,650
Hey, hey.

251
00:10:50,780 --> 00:10:52,826
There was confusion
and frustration

252
00:10:52,956 --> 00:10:54,044
and a lot of sadness.

253
00:10:54,175 --> 00:10:55,611
I was very sad.

254
00:10:55,872 --> 00:10:56,917
So I was always projecting,

255
00:10:57,047 --> 00:10:58,701
"Well, my grandma's so sad."

256
00:10:58,832 --> 00:11:01,095
My grandma had to raise
three kids on her own.

257
00:11:01,225 --> 00:11:04,359
Her husband was murdered
when she was 30,

258
00:11:04,489 --> 00:11:08,232
and then her daughter has
mental illness and epilepsy,

259
00:11:08,363 --> 00:11:09,843
and doesn't leave the house.

260
00:11:09,973 --> 00:11:12,497
So she still takes care
of my mom, her daughter,

261
00:11:12,628 --> 00:11:14,935
at 89 years old. You know.

262
00:11:15,065 --> 00:11:16,284
My grandma raised me,

263
00:11:16,414 --> 00:11:17,328
so I didn't really hang out

264
00:11:17,459 --> 00:11:19,113
with people my age growing up.

265
00:11:19,243 --> 00:11:20,723
Yeah, yeah.

266
00:11:20,854 --> 00:11:22,116
People are always like,
"Atsuko, what's wrong with you?"

267
00:11:22,246 --> 00:11:24,335
"Someone 50 years older than me

268
00:11:24,466 --> 00:11:26,163
taught me how to socialize,

269
00:11:26,294 --> 00:11:27,556
okay?"

270
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,210
<i>I think that's the</i>
<i>core of my comedy</i>

271
00:11:29,340 --> 00:11:31,734
is wanting other
people to feel seen,

272
00:11:31,865 --> 00:11:33,562
to build that camaraderie

273
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:35,607
so that nobody feels isolated,

274
00:11:36,521 --> 00:11:38,698
um, like I have ever felt.
You know.

275
00:11:41,570 --> 00:11:42,789
- Sound speed.
- Can I do it?

276
00:11:45,008 --> 00:11:46,053
Okay.

277
00:11:46,183 --> 00:11:49,230
Two camera marks,
apples and bananas.

278
00:11:51,232 --> 00:11:52,929
Oh, I forgot, we're
doing a documentary.

279
00:12:00,632 --> 00:12:01,590
That was very natural.

280
00:12:07,335 --> 00:12:08,423
<i>I've never been a part</i>

281
00:12:08,553 --> 00:12:11,121
of any group
therapy-type situation.

282
00:12:11,252 --> 00:12:12,122
Have you done group therapy?

283
00:12:12,253 --> 00:12:13,950
No, I haven't.

284
00:12:14,081 --> 00:12:16,561
Certainly not with
Neil Patrick Harris.

285
00:12:16,692 --> 00:12:18,912
And what is his role?
He's --

286
00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:20,914
He's a psychologist.

287
00:12:22,524 --> 00:12:23,307
He's a medical doctor?

288
00:12:25,135 --> 00:12:27,921
- I'm having a hot flash.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

289
00:12:30,575 --> 00:12:32,534
<i>I didn't move to Los Angeles</i>

290
00:12:32,664 --> 00:12:33,796
to become a comedian,

291
00:12:33,927 --> 00:12:35,972
I didn't move to be
in entertainment.

292
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:39,976
My two good
friends that I grew up with

293
00:12:40,107 --> 00:12:42,849
<i>were headed out to LA.</i>

294
00:12:42,979 --> 00:12:45,416
I was like, "Well, I
guess I'm moving to LA."

295
00:12:45,547 --> 00:12:47,767
<i>In high school,</i>
<i>I was um,</i>

296
00:12:48,506 --> 00:12:50,813
I was voted least likely.

297
00:12:59,213 --> 00:13:00,780
I've been running
with it ever since.

298
00:13:02,172 --> 00:13:04,479
<i>And I was just very much</i>

299
00:13:04,609 --> 00:13:08,613
the
failure in school.

300
00:13:08,744 --> 00:13:11,007
And I failed three grades,

301
00:13:11,138 --> 00:13:12,661
dropped outta high school.

302
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:16,447
My mother, she was always
just wanting to make sure

303
00:13:16,578 --> 00:13:20,451
that I knew the most
important thing in life

304
00:13:20,582 --> 00:13:22,279
was to be happy.

305
00:13:22,410 --> 00:13:24,760
Even down to dropping
outta high school.

306
00:13:26,414 --> 00:13:27,589
My mother would brag to people.

307
00:13:29,547 --> 00:13:32,420
She's like, "Yeah,
Tig dropped out,

308
00:13:32,550 --> 00:13:33,595
she's doing her own thing."

309
00:13:37,164 --> 00:13:39,427
And my own thing,

310
00:13:39,557 --> 00:13:41,472
I had nothing going on.

311
00:13:41,603 --> 00:13:43,474
When I was performing

312
00:13:43,605 --> 00:13:48,088
in dingy, smoky
bars in the Dakotas,

313
00:13:48,218 --> 00:13:50,090
she still thought I was

314
00:13:50,220 --> 00:13:51,265
doing cool things.

315
00:13:51,395 --> 00:13:52,179
Do you work here?

316
00:13:54,355 --> 00:13:55,443
Can you hold this?

317
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,620
I loved that my
mother was into it.

318
00:13:58,750 --> 00:14:00,752
So I've never had this,

319
00:14:00,883 --> 00:14:03,277
"I'll show everyone
back in my hometown

320
00:14:03,407 --> 00:14:04,931
or the people I grew up with,

321
00:14:05,061 --> 00:14:07,498
or my parents, or my mother."

322
00:14:07,629 --> 00:14:10,937
I just have never
felt that way at all.

323
00:14:11,633 --> 00:14:13,374
My parents just
thought, "You're crazy,

324
00:14:13,504 --> 00:14:14,941
just be a normal person."

325
00:14:15,071 --> 00:14:16,420
My mom just wanted me to
have kids, "Just have kids."

326
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:19,075
You know those pushy parents

327
00:14:19,206 --> 00:14:20,947
that you see in TV
shows, "Stage Moms"?

328
00:14:21,077 --> 00:14:22,470
I wish I had a stage mom.

329
00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,124
I had a normal mom,

330
00:14:24,254 --> 00:14:26,039
normal dad,

331
00:14:26,169 --> 00:14:27,605
didn't think that anything
would happen with my career.

332
00:14:27,736 --> 00:14:29,216
So I was like, "I've
gotta take my career

333
00:14:29,346 --> 00:14:30,782
into my own hands."

334
00:14:30,913 --> 00:14:32,480
<i>My parents didn't</i>
<i>really do that either.</i>

335
00:14:32,610 --> 00:14:33,655
There was nothing I could do

336
00:14:33,829 --> 00:14:37,311
that would elicit a
reaction to be like,

337
00:14:37,441 --> 00:14:39,095
"I'm so proud," or whatever,

338
00:14:39,226 --> 00:14:40,357
especially my dad.

339
00:14:40,488 --> 00:14:43,404
<i>My dad was an engineer at AT&T,</i>

340
00:14:43,534 --> 00:14:45,972
which is, I don't know, science.

341
00:14:46,102 --> 00:14:48,713
<i>When I decided that</i>
<i>I wanted to act,</i>

342
00:14:48,844 --> 00:14:50,367
he was like,

343
00:14:50,498 --> 00:14:52,369
"What the fuck is
wrong with you?"

344
00:14:52,500 --> 00:14:54,328
Who's single except
for daddy over here?

345
00:14:55,851 --> 00:14:57,809
You're single, what
are you looking for?

346
00:14:58,593 --> 00:14:59,724
A confident dude.

347
00:14:59,855 --> 00:15:01,770
That's it?

348
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,772
Girl, come on, <i>a job?</i>

349
00:15:05,730 --> 00:15:07,907
<i>You're diagnosed with ADHD.</i>

350
00:15:08,037 --> 00:15:09,430
Was that recent?

351
00:15:09,691 --> 00:15:11,432
This was 29 or 30.

352
00:15:11,562 --> 00:15:12,346
I had a friend who was like,

353
00:15:12,476 --> 00:15:14,565
"Hey, you need therapy."

354
00:15:14,696 --> 00:15:16,437
And I was like,
"That's pretty rude."

355
00:15:16,567 --> 00:15:18,308
But it turns out
she was right.

356
00:15:18,439 --> 00:15:20,354
And I had an assessment,

357
00:15:20,484 --> 00:15:22,486
and she let me talk
uninterrupted for

358
00:15:22,617 --> 00:15:24,488
like 10 minutes, and she was
like, "It's bad."

359
00:15:26,447 --> 00:15:27,796
It's bad.

360
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:28,928
Yeah.
Things were happening

361
00:15:29,058 --> 00:15:30,538
that I don't know
if I could Google,

362
00:15:30,668 --> 00:15:32,235
I don't know if I
could put it into words

363
00:15:32,366 --> 00:15:33,802
what was going on in my brain.

364
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,760
I just felt like I
was lazy and crazy.

365
00:15:35,891 --> 00:15:37,545
Once I got that diagnosis,

366
00:15:37,675 --> 00:15:40,722
I was like, "Oh
my God, I'm not an idiot."

367
00:15:41,897 --> 00:15:44,421
<i>My most magical moment on stage</i>

368
00:15:44,552 --> 00:15:46,162
<i>was my Netflix special.</i>

369
00:15:46,293 --> 00:15:47,642
<i>Aw.</i>

370
00:15:47,772 --> 00:15:48,860
Did you have a monitor
with your set list on it?

371
00:15:48,991 --> 00:15:50,384
No.

372
00:15:50,514 --> 00:15:52,647
I wish, oh my God, no.

373
00:15:52,777 --> 00:15:53,517
Little helpful.

374
00:15:53,648 --> 00:15:54,997
I love that for you.

375
00:15:55,128 --> 00:15:56,956
But I was looking to
make sure I was on track,

376
00:15:57,086 --> 00:15:58,827
and it was like, "Stop."

377
00:16:00,481 --> 00:16:02,222
"Costumes needs to see you."

378
00:16:02,352 --> 00:16:05,138
And I was like, "Yeah,
and stop, costumes."

379
00:16:07,314 --> 00:16:09,229
And I said it out
loud, and I went, "Oh,

380
00:16:09,359 --> 00:16:10,360
I think they're trying
to tell me to stop."

381
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:16,018
I often seem very unhinged
when I'm performing,

382
00:16:16,149 --> 00:16:17,237
but I think that's
just who I am in life.

383
00:16:17,367 --> 00:16:18,716
That's who you are, babes.

384
00:16:18,847 --> 00:16:20,283
My current therapist,

385
00:16:20,414 --> 00:16:22,720
sometimes she's like, "Hey,
can we just hold some space

386
00:16:22,851 --> 00:16:25,201
that you will lose
your keys twice a week?

387
00:16:25,506 --> 00:16:27,203
Can we just --That's just
a thing that's gonna happen.

388
00:16:27,334 --> 00:16:28,422
And yeah, it's frustrating,

389
00:16:28,552 --> 00:16:30,250
but you always find them

390
00:16:30,380 --> 00:16:32,643
and you always get to where
you're going, eventually."

391
00:16:32,774 --> 00:16:34,297
Yeah, I think
bombing gets easier.

392
00:16:34,689 --> 00:16:35,385
I mean, I don't like it.

393
00:16:35,516 --> 00:16:36,560
No, I hate it.

394
00:16:36,691 --> 00:16:37,822
Bombing in England
I'm fine with.

395
00:16:37,953 --> 00:16:39,824
Bombing in America
makes me feel sick.

396
00:16:39,955 --> 00:16:40,782
When I bomb in
America, I'm like,

397
00:16:40,912 --> 00:16:43,263
"I've let down Richard Pryor,

398
00:16:43,393 --> 00:16:45,004
all the people that have
performed on this stage."

399
00:16:45,134 --> 00:16:47,223
There's so much more
history to it.

400
00:16:47,354 --> 00:16:48,964
I remember the first time,

401
00:16:49,095 --> 00:16:50,661
it's like, "Do you know how
many big names performed here?

402
00:16:50,792 --> 00:16:51,575
And you get your
opportunity to perform here,

403
00:16:51,706 --> 00:16:54,665
and you do that, you idiot?"

404
00:16:56,363 --> 00:16:58,408
I find influence
is super important.

405
00:16:58,539 --> 00:16:59,844
Did you have any?

406
00:17:00,149 --> 00:17:02,064
I'm here with some
of my influences.

407
00:17:02,195 --> 00:17:03,413
- Yeah?
- Which is what's so cool

408
00:17:03,544 --> 00:17:04,371
about comedy.

409
00:17:04,501 --> 00:17:05,633
For the most part,

410
00:17:05,763 --> 00:17:07,330
we've been in the
trenches together,

411
00:17:07,461 --> 00:17:09,028
so there's camaraderie, yeah.

412
00:17:09,550 --> 00:17:11,465
I watched Gary and Tig and Mike

413
00:17:11,595 --> 00:17:14,294
when I was a young comedian.

414
00:17:14,424 --> 00:17:15,730
My first set ever,

415
00:17:15,860 --> 00:17:17,297
I was trying to sound like Tig.

416
00:17:17,601 --> 00:17:18,602
People were like,

417
00:17:18,733 --> 00:17:20,256
"Is she?"

418
00:17:20,387 --> 00:17:21,823
So Tig is more deadpan

419
00:17:21,953 --> 00:17:24,478
and takes time.

420
00:17:24,608 --> 00:17:26,175
- But when I did it --
- We also dress differently.

421
00:17:26,306 --> 00:17:27,611
- A little bit.
- Yeah, of course, of course,

422
00:17:27,742 --> 00:17:29,570
we do
dress differently.

423
00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:32,007
And we're just different people.

424
00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:33,313
- We are, we are.
- But

425
00:17:33,443 --> 00:17:34,792
so that's that.

426
00:17:34,923 --> 00:17:35,837
- There's that, too.
- Nobody ever mistakes us.

427
00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:39,667
<i>The first time I</i>
<i>probably intersected</i>

428
00:17:39,797 --> 00:17:41,190
<i>with Richard Lewis,</i>

429
00:17:41,321 --> 00:17:42,235
I was probably six or seven.

430
00:17:42,365 --> 00:17:43,366
<i>He was a really</i>
<i>good-looking guy</i>

431
00:17:43,497 --> 00:17:44,715
<i>with long hair and he was cool,</i>

432
00:17:44,846 --> 00:17:45,934
<i>he dressed in all black.</i>

433
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:48,676
Thank you, I'm
thrilled to be here.

434
00:17:48,806 --> 00:17:50,895
And he was just really honest

435
00:17:51,026 --> 00:17:52,854
about how
miserable he was

436
00:17:52,984 --> 00:17:55,161
and how anxious and nervous

437
00:17:55,291 --> 00:17:58,947
and also how full
of self-loathing.

438
00:17:59,078 --> 00:17:59,861
And even a week ago,

439
00:17:59,991 --> 00:18:01,776
I'm in bed, this woman,

440
00:18:01,906 --> 00:18:04,257
I was so looking forward
to this sexually.

441
00:18:04,387 --> 00:18:07,303
And I just, well,
I'm screwed up.

442
00:18:07,434 --> 00:18:09,523
She says, "Don't you
wanna have an orgasm?"

443
00:18:09,653 --> 00:18:11,568
And I said, "What's
in it for me?"

444
00:18:11,699 --> 00:18:14,180
So.

445
00:18:14,310 --> 00:18:16,095
So how did you know that
that was gonna be you

446
00:18:16,225 --> 00:18:17,487
when you were older?

447
00:18:17,618 --> 00:18:18,532
- Oh?
- Why did you resonate

448
00:18:18,662 --> 00:18:20,142
with this old, miserable man?

449
00:18:20,273 --> 00:18:21,491
I remember thinking,

450
00:18:21,622 --> 00:18:25,234
"Oh, there's a spot
for somebody like me

451
00:18:25,365 --> 00:18:28,803
who's quirky, funny and
miserable."

452
00:18:30,674 --> 00:18:32,546
My dad loved comedy.

453
00:18:32,676 --> 00:18:35,984
He loved Richard Pryor.

454
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:37,464
<i>And he would laugh</i>
<i>at Richard Pryor,</i>

455
00:18:37,594 --> 00:18:38,987
<i>and I didn't know what</i>
<i>Richard Pryor was saying,</i>

456
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,554
but I'd know when to laugh,

457
00:18:40,684 --> 00:18:42,599
so I could laugh at
the same time as my dad.

458
00:18:42,730 --> 00:18:45,994
So I'd just be like.

459
00:18:47,300 --> 00:18:50,520
I discovered
masturbating by accident.

460
00:18:52,087 --> 00:18:54,959
I'm not lying, I was about 10,
I was in the tub.

461
00:18:55,090 --> 00:18:56,918
And that's when you used
to have to hold your dick

462
00:18:57,048 --> 00:18:58,006
with two fingers.

463
00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,573
You'd be.

464
00:19:00,704 --> 00:19:01,749
I said, "Hey."

465
00:19:05,883 --> 00:19:07,189
"I'm on to something here."

466
00:19:08,973 --> 00:19:10,801
"I bet Dad don't
know about this."

467
00:19:12,412 --> 00:19:13,500
<i>I think we're all</i>

468
00:19:13,674 --> 00:19:14,631
<i>a little bit influenced</i>
<i>by Richard Pryor.</i>

469
00:19:14,762 --> 00:19:16,198
He's, in some
ways, the godfather

470
00:19:16,329 --> 00:19:20,550
of a type of autobiographical
storytelling and comedy,

471
00:19:20,681 --> 00:19:22,161
opening himself up
to the audience,

472
00:19:22,291 --> 00:19:23,510
saying, "Here's my flaws,

473
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:25,294
here's my problems.

474
00:19:25,816 --> 00:19:27,166
Let me tell you about
my drug problem.

475
00:19:27,296 --> 00:19:29,646
Let me tell you about the time
I lit myself on fire

476
00:19:29,777 --> 00:19:30,952
and it nearly killed me."

477
00:19:31,082 --> 00:19:32,345
Now, listen to me,

478
00:19:32,475 --> 00:19:34,129
all the people you ever
heard of freebasing,

479
00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:36,566
have you ever heard
of anybody blowing up?

480
00:19:38,394 --> 00:19:39,221
Why me?

481
00:19:41,267 --> 00:19:42,964
10 million
motherfuckers freebase,

482
00:19:43,094 --> 00:19:43,965
I gotta blow up.

483
00:19:48,274 --> 00:19:49,405
There's something about that,

484
00:19:49,536 --> 00:19:50,885
and seeing someone like him,

485
00:19:51,015 --> 00:19:52,843
who's such a
tremendous performer,

486
00:19:52,974 --> 00:19:54,454
open himself wide open

487
00:19:54,584 --> 00:19:55,585
and be funny about it

488
00:19:55,716 --> 00:19:57,587
all at the same time.

489
00:19:57,718 --> 00:19:59,023
It's just inspiring.

490
00:19:59,154 --> 00:20:01,200
Seven years ago,

491
00:20:01,330 --> 00:20:03,419
I started walking in my sleep.

492
00:20:03,550 --> 00:20:05,247
I was living with my
girlfriend at the time

493
00:20:05,378 --> 00:20:08,032
and I started having
a recurring dream

494
00:20:08,163 --> 00:20:11,862
that there was a hovering
insect-like jackal

495
00:20:12,298 --> 00:20:13,908
in our bedroom.

496
00:20:14,038 --> 00:20:15,170
And I would see
this hovering jackal

497
00:20:15,301 --> 00:20:18,260
and I would jump on our bed

498
00:20:18,391 --> 00:20:21,394
and I would strike
a karate pose,

499
00:20:21,524 --> 00:20:23,265
and I would say, "Abby,"
that was my girlfriend,

500
00:20:23,396 --> 00:20:26,225
"there's a jackal in the room."

501
00:20:30,490 --> 00:20:31,621
Well, around this time
I remember thinking,

502
00:20:31,752 --> 00:20:33,232
"Well, this seems dangerous,

503
00:20:33,362 --> 00:20:35,059
maybe I should see a doctor."

504
00:20:35,495 --> 00:20:37,801
And then I thought,
"Maybe I'll eat dinner."

505
00:20:39,803 --> 00:20:41,240
And I went with dinner...

506
00:20:42,632 --> 00:20:43,633
...for years.

507
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:47,071
<i>I have a serious</i>
<i>sleepwalking disorder</i>

508
00:20:47,202 --> 00:20:48,943
that got so bad that
I actually jumped

509
00:20:49,073 --> 00:20:51,075
through a second-story
window sleepwalking

510
00:20:51,206 --> 00:20:53,643
in Walla Walla,
Washington, at a motel

511
00:20:53,774 --> 00:20:55,123
called La Quinta Inn.

512
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:56,690
There are two important details.

513
00:20:56,820 --> 00:20:58,866
One, I was on the second floor,

514
00:20:58,996 --> 00:21:00,868
two, the window was closed.

515
00:21:02,783 --> 00:21:04,045
It was January,

516
00:21:04,175 --> 00:21:07,701
so I jumped through a window

517
00:21:07,831 --> 00:21:09,050
like the Hulk.

518
00:21:11,444 --> 00:21:13,402
But my epiphany as
a comedian

519
00:21:13,533 --> 00:21:15,535
was that when I started
talking with it on stage,

520
00:21:15,665 --> 00:21:17,972
I thought that it
would be very dramatic,

521
00:21:19,060 --> 00:21:21,018
and actually it was very funny

522
00:21:21,149 --> 00:21:22,716
and people were laughing,

523
00:21:22,846 --> 00:21:25,196
not because they also
jumped through a window,

524
00:21:25,327 --> 00:21:28,548
but because something
extraordinary in their life

525
00:21:28,678 --> 00:21:30,376
that made them feel anxiety

526
00:21:30,506 --> 00:21:33,466
or made them feel alienated
from other people.

527
00:21:33,596 --> 00:21:35,642
If comedy is impersonal,

528
00:21:36,164 --> 00:21:39,167
if it's entirely
outside of yourself,

529
00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:41,952
you run the risk of
losing the humanity

530
00:21:42,083 --> 00:21:45,173
of what a live performance
has the potential for.

531
00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:47,741
There's a human
connection in that moment

532
00:21:47,871 --> 00:21:49,917
between the performer
and the audience.

533
00:21:50,047 --> 00:21:51,135
And that's unbelievable.

534
00:21:54,487 --> 00:21:55,618
<i>When I go to a show...</i>

535
00:21:55,749 --> 00:21:57,185
Guys.

536
00:21:57,316 --> 00:21:58,752
... <i>and there's a</i>
<i>single performer on stage</i>

537
00:21:58,882 --> 00:22:01,363
<i>connecting with 1,000</i>
<i>people all at the same time...</i>

538
00:22:02,103 --> 00:22:03,452
Oh, great,
there's stairs.

539
00:22:04,671 --> 00:22:05,802
I think my grandfather

540
00:22:05,933 --> 00:22:06,934
calling me fat
every Thanksgiving's

541
00:22:07,064 --> 00:22:08,544
what's keeping him
alive?

542
00:22:09,893 --> 00:22:11,025
...when we're
all feeling a thing

543
00:22:11,155 --> 00:22:12,113
and we're all
laughing at a thing,

544
00:22:12,243 --> 00:22:13,549
<i>- that's magical.</i>

545
00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:14,942
That joke came from
pain.

546
00:22:16,509 --> 00:22:17,684
And it's transcendent.

547
00:22:18,249 --> 00:22:20,643
I grew up in
the '70s and the '80s,

548
00:22:20,774 --> 00:22:23,298
and I'm, ugh, as
a sensitive boy,

549
00:22:24,865 --> 00:22:26,997
not a very accommodating time

550
00:22:27,128 --> 00:22:30,653
for sensitive boys.

551
00:22:30,784 --> 00:22:32,351
<i>And so if someone</i>
<i>asked me for advice,</i>

552
00:22:32,481 --> 00:22:34,396
<i>and I say like, "Hey, maybe</i>
<i>you should tell that story,</i>

553
00:22:34,527 --> 00:22:36,224
<i>it's a personal</i>
<i>story," it's twofold.</i>

554
00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:39,053
One is, I'm saying the
audience would enjoy that,

555
00:22:39,183 --> 00:22:41,490
so they could have that
kind of magical connection,

556
00:22:41,621 --> 00:22:43,884
but also it's good for you, too.

557
00:22:44,014 --> 00:22:46,843
It's a more deep
human connection

558
00:22:46,974 --> 00:22:48,410
with your own material

559
00:22:48,541 --> 00:22:49,672
and what you're sharing.

560
00:22:59,856 --> 00:23:02,598
<i>I love therapy,</i>
<i>I go to therapy.</i>

561
00:23:02,729 --> 00:23:04,034
<i>I have couples therapy,</i>

562
00:23:04,165 --> 00:23:05,427
my husband
goes to therapy,

563
00:23:05,558 --> 00:23:07,603
my mother, I pay for
her therapy, my brother.

564
00:23:07,734 --> 00:23:10,171
I'm big into the idea

565
00:23:10,301 --> 00:23:14,305
that talking about stuff
provides solutions.

566
00:23:14,436 --> 00:23:16,960
Well, that's the thing
is you can find yourself

567
00:23:17,091 --> 00:23:18,353
in anybody's story.

568
00:23:20,268 --> 00:23:23,663
I had advice from a
really good therapist who,

569
00:23:23,793 --> 00:23:27,275
I didn't wanna tell anybody
anything about my life,

570
00:23:27,406 --> 00:23:29,669
and he said, "If
you're an open book,

571
00:23:29,799 --> 00:23:31,453
nobody will have
anything on you."

572
00:23:31,584 --> 00:23:32,933
Mm, there's another
famous phrase is,

573
00:23:33,063 --> 00:23:34,456
"You're only as sick
as your secrets."

574
00:23:34,587 --> 00:23:37,024
Secrets, said by
the very wise Oprah.

575
00:23:37,154 --> 00:23:38,286
- Oh, is that Oprah?
- Oh, she's wise.

576
00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:39,461
Oprah said
that?

577
00:23:39,592 --> 00:23:40,462
She is so wise.

578
00:23:40,593 --> 00:23:41,507
- Oprah.
- Oh,

579
00:23:41,637 --> 00:23:42,899
- so wise.
- Oprah is wise.

580
00:23:43,030 --> 00:23:45,075
But she might've gotten
that from a guest,

581
00:23:45,206 --> 00:23:46,729
but I know I got it.

582
00:23:49,819 --> 00:23:51,125
- She got her credits.
- A guest.

583
00:23:51,255 --> 00:23:53,344
I know I got it through Oprah,

584
00:23:53,475 --> 00:23:54,868
so it's all under

585
00:23:54,998 --> 00:23:55,869
- the Oprah umbrella.
- The Oprah umbrella.

586
00:23:55,999 --> 00:23:57,087
- Wisdom.
- Wait a minute,

587
00:23:57,218 --> 00:23:58,872
does Oprah get
credit for everything

588
00:23:59,002 --> 00:24:00,221
- a guest says?
- Yes, she does.

589
00:24:00,395 --> 00:24:02,049
She also wrote a lot
of the Beatles catalog.

590
00:24:05,226 --> 00:24:06,270
She did.

591
00:24:06,401 --> 00:24:09,099
Also, all of you have doctors?

592
00:24:09,230 --> 00:24:10,274
Is what I'm realizing.

593
00:24:10,405 --> 00:24:11,450
Wait a second,

594
00:24:11,580 --> 00:24:13,408
you don't see a
therapist or have a?

595
00:24:13,539 --> 00:24:15,236
Oh, yeah, I haven't had
a therapist in years.

596
00:24:15,366 --> 00:24:16,716
I'm raw dogging it right now.

597
00:24:18,195 --> 00:24:19,545
Wow, wow, wow.

598
00:24:19,675 --> 00:24:22,461
This is my true, authentic
self, unfiltered.

599
00:24:23,070 --> 00:24:24,550
It's almost like
I woke up one day

600
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:27,291
and everyone was like,
"We have a therapist.

601
00:24:27,422 --> 00:24:29,032
We signed up without you."

602
00:24:29,163 --> 00:24:30,381
And I'm like,

603
00:24:30,556 --> 00:24:32,209
"You have, for how long?"

604
00:24:32,340 --> 00:24:33,776
They're like, "Oh, we've all
been seeing a therapist."

605
00:24:33,907 --> 00:24:35,909
I was like, "Was there a Groupon

606
00:24:36,039 --> 00:24:37,737
or a discount that I missed?"

607
00:24:37,867 --> 00:24:39,739
- A Groupon?
- And everyone.

608
00:24:39,869 --> 00:24:40,827
You think there will be a time?

609
00:24:40,957 --> 00:24:42,916
I don't wanna talk
about it so much

610
00:24:43,046 --> 00:24:45,875
because I haven't
felt like I'm ready

611
00:24:46,006 --> 00:24:47,877
or that I would have,

612
00:24:48,008 --> 00:24:50,053
I feel like, yeah.

613
00:24:50,184 --> 00:24:54,841
Does anyone else have
diagnosed medical conditions?

614
00:24:54,971 --> 00:24:57,583
Yeah, I mean, I have
major depressive disorder

615
00:24:57,713 --> 00:24:59,715
and anxiety, yeah.

616
00:24:59,846 --> 00:25:02,109
I take medicine,
and that changed my life,

617
00:25:02,239 --> 00:25:03,371
of course, yeah.

618
00:25:03,502 --> 00:25:07,070
What are the valleys like?

619
00:25:07,201 --> 00:25:10,770
I say that because I think
stand-up seems wrought

620
00:25:10,900 --> 00:25:12,206
with so much insecurity

621
00:25:12,336 --> 00:25:14,164
because you're writing
your own material.

622
00:25:14,295 --> 00:25:16,993
You're literally putting
yourself and your stories

623
00:25:17,124 --> 00:25:19,169
out to other people
to judge them,

624
00:25:19,300 --> 00:25:20,823
night after night,
show after show.

625
00:25:20,954 --> 00:25:24,218
And it seems like,
if depression is an issue,

626
00:25:24,348 --> 00:25:26,655
that it would be
a challenging career.

627
00:25:26,786 --> 00:25:28,396
And it is a challenging career,

628
00:25:28,527 --> 00:25:31,617
but it's also
a career that allows you

629
00:25:31,747 --> 00:25:33,532
to go to work at 9:00 p.m.

630
00:25:33,923 --> 00:25:35,142
Yes.

631
00:25:35,272 --> 00:25:37,971
And wear what you wore all day,

632
00:25:38,101 --> 00:25:40,147
and they don't
require you to shower

633
00:25:40,277 --> 00:25:41,757
or anything like that,

634
00:25:41,888 --> 00:25:43,977
- or put on ironed clothes.
- I mean, it <i>does.</i>

635
00:25:45,979 --> 00:25:48,590
At 17 years old, 1988,

636
00:25:48,721 --> 00:25:53,160
I was six-foot-six
and 255 pounds.

637
00:25:53,290 --> 00:25:54,814
I had built

638
00:25:54,944 --> 00:25:58,948
a very convincing man costume.

639
00:26:01,342 --> 00:26:03,126
I was bigger and faster
and stronger than everybody,

640
00:26:03,257 --> 00:26:04,737
so I did very well
in high school.

641
00:26:04,867 --> 00:26:06,913
And then I got to college
and everybody

642
00:26:07,043 --> 00:26:09,393
was the Gary Gulman
of their high school,

643
00:26:09,524 --> 00:26:11,395
and it was just,
I was overwhelmed.

644
00:26:11,526 --> 00:26:15,051
And I was like, "But this
is all I have, all I am."

645
00:26:15,182 --> 00:26:17,619
And about three weeks
into it, I --

646
00:26:18,185 --> 00:26:19,621
I had this breakdown.

647
00:26:20,927 --> 00:26:23,407
<i>I didn't know that</i>
<i>I was being seen</i>

648
00:26:23,538 --> 00:26:25,540
<i>as this great potential,</i>

649
00:26:25,671 --> 00:26:29,022
<i>which is, I think it's</i>
<i>a quote from Socrates</i>

650
00:26:29,152 --> 00:26:31,328
or somebody who said,

651
00:26:31,459 --> 00:26:34,027
"Those the gods wish to destroy

652
00:26:34,157 --> 00:26:35,724
they first call promising."

653
00:26:39,075 --> 00:26:40,773
I was athletic, I'll own that,

654
00:26:40,903 --> 00:26:44,254
but then we put on
football helmets and pads,

655
00:26:44,385 --> 00:26:46,039
and I go out there,
and these guys

656
00:26:46,169 --> 00:26:49,651
just kicked my ass
for three weeks.

657
00:26:49,782 --> 00:26:51,914
I mean, guys bigger than me,

658
00:26:52,045 --> 00:26:53,307
but also guys just smaller

659
00:26:53,437 --> 00:26:54,830
and faster and tougher than me.

660
00:26:57,224 --> 00:26:59,966
<i>I dropped a ball the end zone,</i>

661
00:27:00,096 --> 00:27:02,708
<i>and I went home</i>
<i>on a Friday night</i>

662
00:27:02,838 --> 00:27:06,494
<i>and slept through</i>
<i>Saturday afternoon,</i>

663
00:27:06,625 --> 00:27:08,931
<i>stayed in my room on Sunday.</i>

664
00:27:11,804 --> 00:27:14,502
I had put my self-esteem

665
00:27:14,633 --> 00:27:17,679
into how I was on
a football field.

666
00:27:17,810 --> 00:27:20,551
And my brother was
really helpful,

667
00:27:20,682 --> 00:27:23,467
he said, "You need to go
to the trainer on Sunday

668
00:27:23,598 --> 00:27:25,469
and tell him that you're
suffering."

669
00:27:27,297 --> 00:27:30,692
I don't
know why you cry.

670
00:27:43,139 --> 00:27:45,489
My older brother told me,

671
00:27:45,620 --> 00:27:49,276
"Tell the trainer that
you have depression."

672
00:27:50,886 --> 00:27:52,801
My brother diagnosed me.

673
00:27:54,020 --> 00:27:56,544
I didn't really
understand what it was,

674
00:27:56,675 --> 00:27:58,677
what the symptoms were.

675
00:28:01,070 --> 00:28:03,116
I just thought I was very weak.

676
00:28:03,246 --> 00:28:04,552
And I went to the trainer,

677
00:28:04,683 --> 00:28:07,511
I went to a therapist,
got diagnosed,

678
00:28:07,642 --> 00:28:10,514
and suddenly this thing
I'd felt since I was seven

679
00:28:10,645 --> 00:28:11,951
had a --had a name.

680
00:28:12,081 --> 00:28:13,474
And that was helpful,

681
00:28:13,604 --> 00:28:16,346
but then it wasn't until
like six months in,

682
00:28:16,477 --> 00:28:18,218
they put me on a medication.

683
00:28:18,348 --> 00:28:20,220
And I remember
when it kicked in,

684
00:28:20,350 --> 00:28:22,396
I remember like, "Oh,

685
00:28:22,526 --> 00:28:24,790
this is how everyone
else feels all the time."

686
00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:26,182
- Huge.
- Yeah.

687
00:28:41,284 --> 00:28:43,591
How are you feeling

688
00:28:43,722 --> 00:28:47,247
about all the feeling?

689
00:28:47,377 --> 00:28:48,901
So I do feel a little
scatterbrained.

690
00:28:49,031 --> 00:28:50,163
- Really?
- I forgot to take

691
00:28:50,293 --> 00:28:51,904
my medicine today.

692
00:28:52,034 --> 00:28:55,168
There's been a couple times
where I have very much zoned out

693
00:28:55,298 --> 00:28:56,647
and not been here,

694
00:28:56,778 --> 00:28:58,780
but then I kinda have to
ground myself a little bit

695
00:28:58,911 --> 00:28:59,825
and be like,
"Someone's talking."

696
00:28:59,955 --> 00:29:01,087
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

697
00:29:01,217 --> 00:29:02,349
My relationship
with stand-up is,

698
00:29:02,479 --> 00:29:04,046
it's very up and down.

699
00:29:04,177 --> 00:29:06,701
Right now, I'm in a phase
where I don't wanna tour,

700
00:29:06,832 --> 00:29:08,572
I do wanna tour, I don't
wanna tour, I do wanna tour,

701
00:29:08,703 --> 00:29:10,313
I don't wanna write,
I do wanna write.

702
00:29:10,444 --> 00:29:13,186
I've had a lot of moments
where I didn't want to do it.

703
00:29:13,316 --> 00:29:15,579
And I had weeks
where I was like,

704
00:29:15,710 --> 00:29:16,798
"Oh, yeah, I quit comedy,

705
00:29:16,929 --> 00:29:18,104
I don't do
comedy anymore."

706
00:29:18,234 --> 00:29:21,281
But here's the thing,

707
00:29:21,411 --> 00:29:22,717
I used to think, "I need jokes

708
00:29:22,848 --> 00:29:26,677
and I need 45 minutes
and I need an hour,"

709
00:29:26,808 --> 00:29:29,419
and I think about how
daunting it must be

710
00:29:29,550 --> 00:29:30,986
to have this, "I can't
concentrate for" --

711
00:29:31,117 --> 00:29:32,683
And I can't
concentrate to sit down

712
00:29:32,814 --> 00:29:34,250
to write the hour.

713
00:29:34,381 --> 00:29:37,427
There's a book called
"Bird by Bird" about writing.

714
00:29:37,558 --> 00:29:40,039
It was advice that
the author's father

715
00:29:40,169 --> 00:29:41,780
had given his child.

716
00:29:43,390 --> 00:29:44,695
He said, "Well, how am I
gonna do this big report

717
00:29:44,826 --> 00:29:47,133
about all the birds
of North America?"

718
00:29:47,263 --> 00:29:49,788
And he said,
"Bird by bird."

719
00:29:51,267 --> 00:29:52,442
- Which is right.
- Which is exactly

720
00:29:52,573 --> 00:29:53,530
- what it is.
- And then how do you

721
00:29:53,661 --> 00:29:56,055
write jokes?
One sentence at a time.

722
00:29:56,185 --> 00:29:58,884
Me, personally, I look at
all the birds in the sky,

723
00:29:59,014 --> 00:30:01,016
and I go, "Oh, my God,

724
00:30:01,147 --> 00:30:03,279
how on earth am I
gonna do all of this?"

725
00:30:03,410 --> 00:30:06,152
But if I just keep in my brain,

726
00:30:06,282 --> 00:30:07,457
"Just one bird at a time.

727
00:30:07,588 --> 00:30:09,285
You like parrots,
start with a parrot."

728
00:30:09,416 --> 00:30:10,852
That's great.

729
00:30:10,983 --> 00:30:12,680
"And then you can move on
to a flamingo,

730
00:30:12,811 --> 00:30:14,464
but make sure you get
to that parrot first."

731
00:30:14,595 --> 00:30:15,770
Do some easy ones up front.

732
00:30:15,901 --> 00:30:17,293
Yeah, that's just
like a nice thing

733
00:30:17,424 --> 00:30:20,688
to be like, "Nicole,
one bird at a time."

734
00:30:20,819 --> 00:30:23,038
Yeah, the author is Anne Lamott.

735
00:30:23,169 --> 00:30:24,300
Anne Lamont?

736
00:30:24,431 --> 00:30:26,650
- I'll never--
- Lamott, L-A-M-O-T-T.

737
00:30:26,781 --> 00:30:28,174
- Lamont?
- Lamott.

738
00:30:28,304 --> 00:30:29,262
Am I not saying it good?

739
00:30:29,392 --> 00:30:31,307
Yeah, because there's no N in--

740
00:30:31,438 --> 00:30:32,700
Lamott?

741
00:30:32,874 --> 00:30:34,920
- Like Mott's Applesauce.
- Lamott?

742
00:30:35,050 --> 00:30:36,443
- Mott?
- Or Mott Street,

743
00:30:36,573 --> 00:30:37,748
or Mott Haven.

744
00:30:37,879 --> 00:30:38,924
If you live

745
00:30:39,054 --> 00:30:40,316
in the neighborhood
that I live in,

746
00:30:40,447 --> 00:30:41,752
which is called
Mott Haven.

747
00:30:41,927 --> 00:30:43,667
I can't believe you had
so many examples of Mott

748
00:30:43,798 --> 00:30:45,495
- just in your pocket.
- Of Mott, yeah,

749
00:30:45,626 --> 00:30:46,496
yeah.

750
00:30:46,627 --> 00:30:47,671
I collect.

751
00:30:57,116 --> 00:30:59,205
When I was starting
out in the early 2000s,

752
00:30:59,335 --> 00:31:01,511
just in New York
clubs, it was tough.

753
00:31:01,642 --> 00:31:04,297
People would be so
mean to me, merciless,

754
00:31:04,427 --> 00:31:06,386
'cause I was young, young 20s.

755
00:31:07,691 --> 00:31:08,954
<i>Mitch Hedberg was</i>
<i>the first person</i>

756
00:31:09,084 --> 00:31:12,087
<i>who was someone who</i>
<i>I really admired.</i>

757
00:31:12,218 --> 00:31:14,263
And asked me to open for him

758
00:31:14,394 --> 00:31:16,135
on a whole bunch of dates.

759
00:31:16,265 --> 00:31:18,180
Whenever I walk, people
try to hand me out flyers.

760
00:31:18,311 --> 00:31:19,529
And when someone tries
to hand me out a flyer,

761
00:31:19,660 --> 00:31:20,487
it's kinda like they're saying,

762
00:31:20,617 --> 00:31:22,358
"Here, you throw this away."

763
00:31:25,448 --> 00:31:27,015
<i>I'd ask him all</i>
<i>kinds of questions.</i>

764
00:31:27,146 --> 00:31:29,452
And when you're the opening act,

765
00:31:29,583 --> 00:31:31,150
you pick up the
headliner sometimes

766
00:31:31,280 --> 00:31:32,891
and bring them to the club,

767
00:31:33,021 --> 00:31:34,370
that's part of the gig, I guess.

768
00:31:37,417 --> 00:31:38,157
I just couldn't believe it.

769
00:31:38,287 --> 00:31:39,810
It's like, literally,

770
00:31:39,941 --> 00:31:42,335
there's moments in
my comedy career

771
00:31:42,465 --> 00:31:44,163
where things like that,

772
00:31:44,293 --> 00:31:45,425
where I'm like, "This
is the best thing

773
00:31:45,555 --> 00:31:46,948
I've ever done by far."

774
00:31:47,079 --> 00:31:49,690
I actually have a habit of
making awkward situations

775
00:31:49,820 --> 00:31:52,823
even more awkward.

776
00:31:52,954 --> 00:31:55,870
Like I was moving a new bed
into my apartment recently

777
00:31:56,001 --> 00:31:57,263
and this woman that
lived in the building

778
00:31:57,393 --> 00:31:59,221
opened the front door
for me with her key.

779
00:31:59,352 --> 00:32:01,441
And she goes, "I'm not worried

780
00:32:01,571 --> 00:32:04,923
because a rapist wouldn't
have a bed like that."

781
00:32:11,190 --> 00:32:14,976
Now, what I should've said...

782
00:32:17,674 --> 00:32:18,806
...was nothing.

783
00:32:23,202 --> 00:32:26,161
What I did say was,
"You'd be surprised."

784
00:32:29,773 --> 00:32:31,645
And then we went,

785
00:32:31,775 --> 00:32:33,299
I was like, "Do you
guys wanna go bowling?"

786
00:32:33,429 --> 00:32:34,213
There was a bowling alley,

787
00:32:34,343 --> 00:32:35,562
I had my own bowling shoes.

788
00:32:35,692 --> 00:32:36,389
- Oh boy.
- Mm.

789
00:32:36,519 --> 00:32:37,607
Yeah, I know.

790
00:32:38,043 --> 00:32:41,002
Hey, now's a good time to
announce that I am a nerd.

791
00:32:41,133 --> 00:32:42,438
We go bowling,

792
00:32:42,569 --> 00:32:45,311
and I'm nervous 'cause it's
my hero, Mitch Hedberg,

793
00:32:45,441 --> 00:32:48,009
and I'm bowling all kinds
of zeroes and gutter balls

794
00:32:48,140 --> 00:32:50,446
- and ones.
- I'm sure he cared.

795
00:32:50,577 --> 00:32:52,840
Well, at the end of
it, he says to me,

796
00:32:52,971 --> 00:32:56,017
"Thought when you
asked us to go bowling,

797
00:32:56,148 --> 00:32:57,584
that you would be
good at bowling."

798
00:32:59,281 --> 00:33:00,804
<i>I'll give you</i>
<i>a fact about Mitch.</i>

799
00:33:00,935 --> 00:33:03,459
<i>"Time Magazine"</i>
<i>once dubbed Mitch</i>

800
00:33:03,590 --> 00:33:05,287
the next Seinfeld.

801
00:33:05,418 --> 00:33:07,681
<i>Was this our friend</i>
<i>who had the drug problem?</i>

802
00:33:07,811 --> 00:33:09,422
Well, I got the drugs
under control now.

803
00:33:09,552 --> 00:33:10,858
- Do you?
- Yeah.

804
00:33:10,989 --> 00:33:12,164
You had to
take them responsibly?

805
00:33:12,294 --> 00:33:14,644
Yeah, just for
the creative side of it.

806
00:33:15,950 --> 00:33:18,431
<i>With Mitch's drug stuff,</i>

807
00:33:18,561 --> 00:33:21,869
I was in the dark
to some degree,

808
00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:24,002
like most people, I
wouldn't witness it,

809
00:33:24,132 --> 00:33:25,394
<i>wouldn't be out in the open.</i>

810
00:33:25,525 --> 00:33:26,961
<i>Were you aware</i>
<i>that it was happening,</i>

811
00:33:27,092 --> 00:33:27,875
- <i>or were you just?</i>
- <i>I would hear stories</i>

812
00:33:28,006 --> 00:33:29,485
<i>about it.</i>

813
00:33:29,616 --> 00:33:30,704
<i>I used to do drugs.</i>

814
00:33:30,834 --> 00:33:32,793
I still do, but I used to, too.

815
00:33:35,013 --> 00:33:38,451
Yeah, I mean, I saw Mitch

816
00:33:38,581 --> 00:33:40,757
about a week before
he died at Caroline's.

817
00:33:41,889 --> 00:33:43,064
<i>I like to drink</i>

818
00:33:43,195 --> 00:33:44,457
before the show, I
have a couple drinks

819
00:33:44,587 --> 00:33:45,675
before I go on stage.

820
00:33:47,808 --> 00:33:49,070
Every time people applaud,

821
00:33:49,201 --> 00:33:50,550
I'm always going,
"No, no, no, hold on."

822
00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:52,117
<i>He asked me to come</i>
<i>up and do a guest set.</i>

823
00:33:52,247 --> 00:33:55,381
<i>And afterwards I saw,</i>
<i>we went to a bar,</i>

824
00:33:55,511 --> 00:33:57,731
and people, fans of his
were coming up to him

825
00:33:57,861 --> 00:34:01,256
and offering him drugs,
handing him drugs.

826
00:34:01,387 --> 00:34:02,301
And it was the first
time I was like,

827
00:34:02,431 --> 00:34:04,346
"Fuck, this is bad,

828
00:34:04,477 --> 00:34:06,348
this is bad."

829
00:34:06,479 --> 00:34:07,741
My manager's cool,
he gets concerned,

830
00:34:07,871 --> 00:34:10,831
he says, "Mitch, don't
use liquor as a crutch."

831
00:34:10,961 --> 00:34:12,528
I can't use liquor as a crutch,

832
00:34:12,659 --> 00:34:15,096
because a crutch <i>helps</i>me walk.

833
00:34:16,532 --> 00:34:18,578
<i>In relation</i>
<i>to substance issues,</i>

834
00:34:18,708 --> 00:34:20,493
I think like
everyone in his life,

835
00:34:20,623 --> 00:34:25,106
I struggled with, "What could
we have done differently?"

836
00:34:25,237 --> 00:34:26,629
And I --

837
00:34:26,760 --> 00:34:28,675
Alcoholism is a disease,
but it's like the only disease

838
00:34:28,805 --> 00:34:30,329
that you can get
yelled at for having.

839
00:34:32,461 --> 00:34:34,550
I gotta get
off this damn stage.

840
00:34:34,681 --> 00:34:36,030
I wish there was just

841
00:34:36,161 --> 00:34:37,379
a trapdoor that would open
up and I'd fall in it.

842
00:34:38,815 --> 00:34:39,860
"You are done."

843
00:34:41,296 --> 00:34:42,471
And I land on a couch
and have a drink.

844
00:34:45,866 --> 00:34:49,087
I've lost a handful of comedian
friends over the years.

845
00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:52,307
Mitch Hedberg
and Greg Giraldo and others.

846
00:34:52,438 --> 00:34:56,224
And the pain of it
doesn't go away,

847
00:34:56,355 --> 00:34:58,531
there's no answer in it.

848
00:34:58,661 --> 00:35:01,011
I remember at Mitch's memorial,

849
00:35:01,142 --> 00:35:02,926
I was with Mitch's mom

850
00:35:03,057 --> 00:35:04,885
and Dave Attell
was outside together,

851
00:35:05,015 --> 00:35:06,495
and it was really sweet.

852
00:35:06,626 --> 00:35:07,714
Dave Attell, I think,

853
00:35:07,844 --> 00:35:09,759
one of the great
comedians of all time.

854
00:35:11,370 --> 00:35:13,589
And Dave said a thing that,

855
00:35:13,720 --> 00:35:15,939
I mean, in some ways,
it's sort of silly,

856
00:35:16,070 --> 00:35:18,159
but in some ways, there's
a lot of truth to it,

857
00:35:18,290 --> 00:35:20,118
is he goes just like,

858
00:35:20,248 --> 00:35:22,555
"We'll always have the records."

859
00:35:23,033 --> 00:35:25,427
And I love that, "We'll
always have the records,"

860
00:35:25,558 --> 00:35:27,125
'cause it's true, I still
listen to Hedberg records.

861
00:35:27,255 --> 00:35:29,170
- Yeah, yeah.
- Aw, yeah.

862
00:35:29,301 --> 00:35:30,911
Yeah.

863
00:35:33,696 --> 00:35:35,481
<i>The makeup artists in</i>
<i>England are insane.</i>

864
00:35:35,611 --> 00:35:36,699
- Oh, no.
- When

865
00:35:36,830 --> 00:35:38,832
I was at the BBC,

866
00:35:38,962 --> 00:35:40,399
the makeup artist
that they had for me,

867
00:35:40,529 --> 00:35:41,835
she'd never done makeup

868
00:35:41,965 --> 00:35:43,315
- for black people before.
- Oh, no.

869
00:35:43,445 --> 00:35:44,577
And she panicked,

870
00:35:44,707 --> 00:35:46,579
she didn't realize
I would be Black,

871
00:35:46,709 --> 00:35:48,015
and she didn't have
any black makeup...

872
00:35:48,146 --> 00:35:50,191
- No.
- ...so she put cocoa powder

873
00:35:50,322 --> 00:35:51,714
- on my face.
- What?

874
00:35:51,845 --> 00:35:52,585
- Literally.
- Like the actual?

875
00:35:52,715 --> 00:35:54,195
- Actual --
- Wait.

876
00:35:54,326 --> 00:35:55,849
Like Ovaltine?

877
00:35:55,979 --> 00:35:57,285
- Yes, on my face.
- She said, "Ovaltine."

878
00:35:57,416 --> 00:35:58,591
You can drink it.

879
00:35:58,765 --> 00:36:00,897
And she tricked me,
because I could smell it.

880
00:36:01,028 --> 00:36:02,247
And I was like, "It
smells really chocolaty."

881
00:36:02,377 --> 00:36:03,204
And she was like, "Oh,

882
00:36:03,335 --> 00:36:04,249
it's called Cocoa."

883
00:36:04,379 --> 00:36:05,467
She put me in blackface,

884
00:36:05,598 --> 00:36:07,643
it was just ridiculous, so yes.

885
00:36:07,774 --> 00:36:11,038
London, what on
earth are you doing?

886
00:36:11,169 --> 00:36:12,996
I was doing children's
television to pay the bills,

887
00:36:13,127 --> 00:36:15,260
<i>and because</i>
<i>I wanted to be on TV,</i>

888
00:36:15,390 --> 00:36:17,218
<i>and that was the only</i>
<i>form of television</i>

889
00:36:17,349 --> 00:36:18,306
that would accept me.

890
00:36:18,437 --> 00:36:19,786
Eau de toilette?

891
00:36:19,916 --> 00:36:20,874
Toilet water more like.

892
00:36:21,004 --> 00:36:22,136
- Huh?
- Dodge, you smell like

893
00:36:22,267 --> 00:36:23,616
a bog brush.

894
00:36:25,008 --> 00:36:26,401
Kids TV in Britain's so diverse

895
00:36:26,532 --> 00:36:28,055
and that's where it stops.

896
00:36:28,186 --> 00:36:31,014
And then normal television
is just old white men

897
00:36:31,145 --> 00:36:33,713
and hot young white women

898
00:36:33,843 --> 00:36:35,410
or just hot young white men.

899
00:36:36,281 --> 00:36:38,239
<i>I was told I wasn't</i>
<i>conventionally attractive,</i>

900
00:36:38,370 --> 00:36:40,415
<i>so I didn't see</i>
<i>myself as attractive.</i>

901
00:36:40,546 --> 00:36:43,636
So I just was like,
"You're a ugly black girl

902
00:36:43,766 --> 00:36:45,681
trying to make jokes in Britain,

903
00:36:45,812 --> 00:36:47,466
and they keep telling you no."

904
00:36:47,596 --> 00:36:50,643
And I watched a lot of
my white male friends

905
00:36:50,773 --> 00:36:52,471
become famous, one by one,

906
00:36:52,601 --> 00:36:54,255
they'd start comedy one year,

907
00:36:54,386 --> 00:36:55,561
then the next year,
they'd be on TV.

908
00:36:55,691 --> 00:36:57,084
And I just saw it
happen, happen, happen.

909
00:36:57,215 --> 00:36:59,042
And all of a sudden,
you just get depressed.

910
00:37:02,132 --> 00:37:03,482
<i>And so after every show,</i>

911
00:37:03,612 --> 00:37:05,875
<i>- it felt like a rejection.</i>

912
00:37:06,006 --> 00:37:07,486
<i>It would make me die inside.</i>

913
00:37:08,574 --> 00:37:09,705
And I'll go in the comments

914
00:37:09,836 --> 00:37:10,880
and read the comments,

915
00:37:11,011 --> 00:37:12,317
because I'm looking for people

916
00:37:12,447 --> 00:37:16,059
to call me ugly, or
annoying, or not funny,

917
00:37:16,190 --> 00:37:17,974
but every negative thing

918
00:37:18,105 --> 00:37:20,194
that anyone's ever
said about me,

919
00:37:20,325 --> 00:37:23,110
I've already thought
it about myself.

920
00:37:24,285 --> 00:37:25,547
<i>People had</i>
<i>problems with my hair,</i>

921
00:37:25,678 --> 00:37:26,940
they didn't know
what the fuck it was.

922
00:37:27,070 --> 00:37:28,333
Now everybody looked
like me.

923
00:37:29,856 --> 00:37:31,074
<i>Watching American TV</i>

924
00:37:31,205 --> 00:37:33,076
<i>and just seeing people</i>
<i>like Whoopi Goldberg</i>

925
00:37:33,207 --> 00:37:34,643
<i>and people Brandi</i>

926
00:37:34,774 --> 00:37:37,472
<i>and Tia and Tamara from</i>
<i>"Sister, Sister" and Moesha</i>

927
00:37:37,603 --> 00:37:38,517
and all these black girls

928
00:37:38,647 --> 00:37:40,214
that are All-American.

929
00:37:40,649 --> 00:37:43,478
I said to myself, "That's
where I need to be.

930
00:37:43,609 --> 00:37:45,001
Once I get to
America, they'll see,"

931
00:37:45,828 --> 00:37:47,961
<i>because blackness in Britain</i>

932
00:37:48,091 --> 00:37:49,310
<i>was American blackness.</i>

933
00:37:49,441 --> 00:37:51,138
<i>The music we listened</i>
<i>to, American,</i>

934
00:37:51,269 --> 00:37:52,966
our heroes, Oprah, American,

935
00:37:53,096 --> 00:37:54,097
Beyoncé, American,

936
00:37:54,228 --> 00:37:55,490
Whoopi Goldberg, American.

937
00:37:55,621 --> 00:37:56,926
So as a black British girl

938
00:37:57,057 --> 00:37:58,885
that's trying to make
her mark in anything,

939
00:37:59,015 --> 00:38:00,800
I had to look to America

940
00:38:00,930 --> 00:38:02,845
as guidance to get me there.

941
00:38:02,976 --> 00:38:03,933
I tell you what,
I just turned 31.

942
00:38:04,064 --> 00:38:05,370
I know, I don't look it,

943
00:38:05,500 --> 00:38:06,545
right?

944
00:38:06,675 --> 00:38:08,329
Just turned 31, I'm
very attractive.

945
00:38:08,460 --> 00:38:09,722
It's not a joke,
it's more factual.

946
00:38:09,852 --> 00:38:11,376
I'm rich, I'm rich
as fuck, guys,

947
00:38:11,506 --> 00:38:13,378
seriously.

948
00:38:13,508 --> 00:38:14,770
When I eat McDonald's,

949
00:38:14,901 --> 00:38:16,032
I eat McDonald's in
Beverly Hills, okay?

950
00:38:16,163 --> 00:38:17,295
I'm rich as fuck.

951
00:38:17,425 --> 00:38:19,514
In Britain, a lot of
the female comics there,

952
00:38:19,645 --> 00:38:20,689
God bless 'em,

953
00:38:20,950 --> 00:38:23,736
they uh,
they would just stand still,

954
00:38:23,866 --> 00:38:25,607
keep the microphone
on the stand,

955
00:38:25,738 --> 00:38:28,436
and then just put their
hair back behind their ears

956
00:38:28,567 --> 00:38:29,568
and speak like this,

957
00:38:29,698 --> 00:38:31,439
and then maybe an anal joke,

958
00:38:31,570 --> 00:38:32,440
and then that's it.

959
00:38:32,571 --> 00:38:34,790
This whole tone like that.

960
00:38:34,921 --> 00:38:35,965
And I watched that
and I was like,

961
00:38:36,096 --> 00:38:37,924
"I don't like that,
that's not me."

962
00:38:38,185 --> 00:38:39,621
So I was like, "What
do I wanna do?"

963
00:38:39,752 --> 00:38:42,407
And I would take the mic
off the stand, kick it down.

964
00:38:42,537 --> 00:38:44,583
All I know is that
if I was a mute

965
00:38:44,713 --> 00:38:45,932
that worked in 7-Eleven,

966
00:38:46,062 --> 00:38:46,976
I'd be married by now.

967
00:38:48,717 --> 00:38:49,849
It's true, it's true.

968
00:38:49,979 --> 00:38:51,894
And I ain't even
been proposed to.

969
00:38:52,025 --> 00:38:53,983
There's bitches in
Kentucky with no teeth

970
00:38:54,114 --> 00:38:57,552
that have been proposed to.

971
00:38:57,683 --> 00:38:58,423
Fuck is wrong with me?

972
00:38:58,553 --> 00:39:00,512
I'm in your face, I'm loud.

973
00:39:00,642 --> 00:39:03,602
And then essentially that just
became how I enjoyed stand-up

974
00:39:03,732 --> 00:39:05,081
and how I wanted to perform

975
00:39:05,212 --> 00:39:06,822
and show the world who I was.

976
00:39:06,953 --> 00:39:08,955
So is the version of you

977
00:39:09,085 --> 00:39:10,870
that you're presenting

978
00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:13,786
when you're doing
stand-up armor,

979
00:39:13,916 --> 00:39:15,831
like a character version of you?

980
00:39:15,962 --> 00:39:17,093
- Yes.
- I don't mean that

981
00:39:17,224 --> 00:39:19,574
- in a disrespectful way.
- No, it is, 100%.

982
00:39:19,705 --> 00:39:21,271
My stand-up version of me

983
00:39:21,402 --> 00:39:23,752
is basically just
a ultimate bad bitch.

984
00:39:23,883 --> 00:39:26,059
And so I don't know,

985
00:39:26,189 --> 00:39:29,628
when I'm on stage, my energy
and my stand-up rhythm,

986
00:39:29,758 --> 00:39:32,239
like Tig was talking about,
is gunfire.

987
00:39:32,370 --> 00:39:34,067
It's like.

988
00:39:34,197 --> 00:39:35,503
I literally won't give
you enough time to laugh.

989
00:39:35,634 --> 00:39:36,765
If you're laughing,
choke on those.

990
00:39:36,896 --> 00:39:39,464
Ah, here's some more jokes, ah.

991
00:39:39,594 --> 00:39:41,814
So when I watch comics,
like Tig and Atsuko,

992
00:39:41,944 --> 00:39:45,121
and they're on stage
and they're drinking the water.

993
00:39:45,252 --> 00:39:46,775
I've never done that before.

994
00:39:46,906 --> 00:39:48,603
I literally do not stop.

995
00:39:48,734 --> 00:39:50,431
I'll stop for the applause
breaks, obviously,

996
00:39:50,562 --> 00:39:52,128
I'm just like --

997
00:39:52,259 --> 00:39:54,827
Is that to potentially
overcome an insecurity

998
00:39:54,957 --> 00:39:56,524
- or a shyness?
- Yeah, probably,

999
00:39:56,655 --> 00:39:58,744
I probably am like, "I'm not
good enough to stop,

1000
00:39:58,874 --> 00:39:59,745
- so I gotta keep going."
- Wow.

1001
00:40:00,746 --> 00:40:02,661
I should try your style.

1002
00:40:02,791 --> 00:40:04,053
Yeah, try it.

1003
00:40:07,970 --> 00:40:10,016
Yes, go on, Tig.

1004
00:40:10,146 --> 00:40:11,670
I would be like, "Oh, God."

1005
00:40:13,498 --> 00:40:15,151
- "Oh geez, my spinal fusion."
- Just all.

1006
00:40:19,286 --> 00:40:21,941
Yes, everyone's dead!

1007
00:40:22,071 --> 00:40:23,725
Anal jokes.

1008
00:40:27,163 --> 00:40:28,251
Ah!

1009
00:40:28,382 --> 00:40:30,340
Coming at you with
my anal jokes.

1010
00:40:34,432 --> 00:40:37,347
<i>I think my style</i>
<i>changed over the years.</i>

1011
00:40:39,045 --> 00:40:40,307
When I first began,

1012
00:40:40,438 --> 00:40:45,268
it was very kind of
one-liner, quick joke.

1013
00:40:45,660 --> 00:40:47,532
I notice more and more women

1014
00:40:47,662 --> 00:40:49,447
are getting fake boobs.

1015
00:40:50,970 --> 00:40:52,145
Meanwhile,

1016
00:40:52,275 --> 00:40:53,755
I still haven't even
gotten real ones yet.

1017
00:40:55,017 --> 00:40:57,542
Then it became.

1018
00:41:02,634 --> 00:41:04,157
<i>I went on Conan once</i>

1019
00:41:04,287 --> 00:41:06,072
<i>and pushed a stool around.</i>

1020
00:41:13,079 --> 00:41:15,124
<i>Made everybody</i>
<i>uncomfortable, but.</i>

1021
00:41:17,170 --> 00:41:19,389
I feel like maybe
some of you aren't into it.

1022
00:41:21,261 --> 00:41:22,567
<i>Got some laughs.</i>

1023
00:41:22,697 --> 00:41:25,352
But yeah, I just, I
kind of allowed myself

1024
00:41:25,483 --> 00:41:30,226
to do whatever I felt most
comfortable doing at that time.

1025
00:41:30,923 --> 00:41:35,101
And then that's also what
ended up happening in 2012.

1026
00:41:36,102 --> 00:41:38,365
Can you talk a little bit
about the circumstances

1027
00:41:38,496 --> 00:41:40,323
leading up to that?

1028
00:41:40,585 --> 00:41:42,935
Well, in a four-month
period of time,

1029
00:41:43,065 --> 00:41:45,285
in 2012,

1030
00:41:45,415 --> 00:41:47,243
I had pneumonia,

1031
00:41:47,374 --> 00:41:50,986
then I contracted this
very deadly disease,

1032
00:41:51,117 --> 00:41:53,162
C. diff, the intestinal disease.

1033
00:41:54,120 --> 00:41:56,209
Then my mother tripped,

1034
00:41:56,339 --> 00:41:57,602
hit her head and died.

1035
00:41:58,994 --> 00:42:01,388
My girlfriend and I split up.

1036
00:42:01,519 --> 00:42:04,260
And then I was diagnosed
with invasive cancer.

1037
00:42:05,523 --> 00:42:08,047
And yeah.

1038
00:42:08,569 --> 00:42:11,006
I didn't have depression,

1039
00:42:11,137 --> 00:42:14,096
I had deep, deep sadness,

1040
00:42:14,227 --> 00:42:16,534
deep, deep fear.

1041
00:42:16,664 --> 00:42:18,710
Deep, deep sadness,

1042
00:42:18,840 --> 00:42:20,494
deep, deep fear.

1043
00:42:20,799 --> 00:42:24,280
I had this show booked

1044
00:42:24,411 --> 00:42:27,240
at the venue Largo
in Los Angeles.

1045
00:42:27,370 --> 00:42:28,894
And I remember I called to say,

1046
00:42:29,024 --> 00:42:32,071
"Hey, I don't think
I can do this,

1047
00:42:32,201 --> 00:42:35,074
I'm really struggling
emotionally and physically."

1048
00:42:36,771 --> 00:42:38,425
And I remember the owner saying,

1049
00:42:38,556 --> 00:42:40,253
"Let's just keep it on the books

1050
00:42:40,383 --> 00:42:42,385
and just see how you feel

1051
00:42:42,516 --> 00:42:43,648
when we get to that date."

1052
00:42:43,778 --> 00:42:46,825
And I thought,
"This guy,

1053
00:42:46,955 --> 00:42:49,697
I don't think he heard me.

1054
00:42:49,828 --> 00:42:51,743
My mother died and I have
cancer and my girlfriend."

1055
00:42:53,527 --> 00:42:54,833
But he was like, "Yeah, just
if you don't wanna do it,

1056
00:42:54,963 --> 00:42:57,052
you can cancel it

1057
00:42:57,183 --> 00:42:59,402
the second before you're
gonna walk on stage."

1058
00:42:59,533 --> 00:43:01,056
And I thought, "Okay."

1059
00:43:01,187 --> 00:43:04,843
And as it got closer
to the show date,

1060
00:43:04,973 --> 00:43:09,674
I found myself making jokes

1061
00:43:09,804 --> 00:43:12,328
about these different things

1062
00:43:12,459 --> 00:43:14,548
that I hadn't been
able to find humor in.

1063
00:43:15,288 --> 00:43:19,509
I allowed myself to go
with what was happening,

1064
00:43:19,640 --> 00:43:22,687
and that was that
it didn't make sense

1065
00:43:22,817 --> 00:43:27,256
to do anything
other than to share

1066
00:43:27,387 --> 00:43:30,129
what was actually
going on in my life.

1067
00:43:33,915 --> 00:43:35,438
<i>Good evening, hello.</i>

1068
00:43:38,006 --> 00:43:39,834
<i>I have cancer, how are you?</i>

1069
00:43:41,314 --> 00:43:43,403
<i>Is everybody having</i>
<i>a good time?</i>

1070
00:43:43,533 --> 00:43:45,187
<i>Diagnosed with cancer.</i>

1071
00:43:47,450 --> 00:43:48,495
<i>It's okay.</i>

1072
00:43:50,410 --> 00:43:52,847
<i>It's okay.</i>

1073
00:43:52,978 --> 00:43:54,414
<i>It's gonna be okay.</i>

1074
00:43:54,544 --> 00:43:55,850
<i>It might not be okay,</i>

1075
00:43:55,981 --> 00:43:58,723
<i>- but I'm just saying.</i>

1076
00:43:58,853 --> 00:44:00,028
<i>You're gonna be okay.</i>

1077
00:44:03,771 --> 00:44:04,903
After my mother died,

1078
00:44:05,033 --> 00:44:07,514
the hospital sent
this questionnaire

1079
00:44:07,645 --> 00:44:10,386
asking how her stay
at the hospital went.

1080
00:44:12,040 --> 00:44:16,915
And when I first got
that in the mail,

1081
00:44:17,045 --> 00:44:19,134
I was outraged.

1082
00:44:19,265 --> 00:44:22,747
Whereas that night
I walked on stage,

1083
00:44:22,877 --> 00:44:24,139
I talked about it,

1084
00:44:24,270 --> 00:44:25,967
and I answered
the entire questionnaire.

1085
00:44:27,490 --> 00:44:31,712
<i>Number one, "During</i>
<i>this hospital stay,</i>

1086
00:44:31,843 --> 00:44:33,758
<i>did nurses explain things</i>

1087
00:44:33,888 --> 00:44:35,063
<i>in a way you could understand?"</i>

1088
00:44:37,065 --> 00:44:40,112
<i>I mean, considering you</i>
<i>had zero brain activity.</i>

1089
00:44:44,072 --> 00:44:46,901
<i>Number four, "Suggestions</i>
<i>for improvements...</i>

1090
00:44:48,686 --> 00:44:52,820
<i>...such as should we stop</i>
<i>sending questionnaires</i>

1091
00:44:52,951 --> 00:44:55,910
<i>- to dead people?"</i>
<i>-</i>

1092
00:44:58,086 --> 00:44:59,305
There was nervous laughter,

1093
00:44:59,435 --> 00:45:04,353
there was hysterical laughter.

1094
00:45:04,484 --> 00:45:05,790
People were stunned,

1095
00:45:05,920 --> 00:45:08,357
people were confused.

1096
00:45:08,488 --> 00:45:13,536
I really felt like I was
stepping off of a ledge

1097
00:45:13,667 --> 00:45:16,017
and suddenly I could fly,

1098
00:45:16,148 --> 00:45:20,500
even if I was maybe
gonna crash and burn.

1099
00:45:20,630 --> 00:45:23,242
It was very freeing to...

1100
00:45:24,634 --> 00:45:26,332
...share...

1101
00:45:26,462 --> 00:45:28,203
these personal aspects.

1102
00:45:34,079 --> 00:45:35,645
<i>What if I just</i>
<i>transitioned right now</i>

1103
00:45:35,776 --> 00:45:38,039
<i>into silly just</i>
<i>jokes right now?</i>

1104
00:45:38,170 --> 00:45:39,040
- <i>No.</i>
- <i>No!</i>

1105
00:45:39,171 --> 00:45:40,346
<i>No.</i>

1106
00:45:40,476 --> 00:45:41,434
<i>"No, I wanna</i>
<i>hear more bad news."</i>

1107
00:45:41,564 --> 00:45:42,261
<i>- Yes.</i>

1108
00:45:42,391 --> 00:45:43,349
<i>Yes.</i>

1109
00:45:43,479 --> 00:45:44,654
<i>We can take it.</i>

1110
00:45:44,785 --> 00:45:45,917
<i>No!</i>

1111
00:45:55,535 --> 00:45:57,145
<i>This</i>
<i>is fucking amazing.</i>

1112
00:45:57,276 --> 00:45:58,233
<i>Oh.</i>

1113
00:46:06,633 --> 00:46:08,766
On that note, let's take
like a five-minute break.

1114
00:46:10,245 --> 00:46:11,551
Let's take a break.

1115
00:46:15,381 --> 00:46:16,599
<i>Do we leave the room?</i>

1116
00:46:22,692 --> 00:46:24,564
<i>I find LA</i>

1117
00:46:24,694 --> 00:46:26,435
<i>the hardest city to live in.</i>

1118
00:46:26,566 --> 00:46:27,654
- LA?
- 'Cause it's

1119
00:46:27,785 --> 00:46:29,525
a very industry-centric town

1120
00:46:29,656 --> 00:46:33,312
where everyone at their
level is annoyed, seemingly,

1121
00:46:33,442 --> 00:46:34,879
that they're not
at the next level.

1122
00:46:36,141 --> 00:46:36,924
Thank you.

1123
00:46:39,361 --> 00:46:41,276
We got invited to
the Vanity Fair Party

1124
00:46:41,407 --> 00:46:42,495
after the Oscars.

1125
00:46:42,625 --> 00:46:43,844
Like, "We made it."

1126
00:46:43,975 --> 00:46:46,107
"We're at the fucking
Vanity Fair party."

1127
00:46:46,238 --> 00:46:48,196
And we walk in, we
do the whole thing,

1128
00:46:48,327 --> 00:46:49,154
and then we're looking

1129
00:46:49,284 --> 00:46:50,982
and there's a velvet-roped area

1130
00:46:51,112 --> 00:46:52,113
in the--

1131
00:46:52,244 --> 00:46:54,028
And we're like,
"What? Who's in?"

1132
00:46:54,159 --> 00:46:56,422
And they're like,
"Oh, no, that's."

1133
00:46:56,552 --> 00:46:58,772
So then the next year,
we got invited back,

1134
00:46:58,903 --> 00:47:00,208
and we're like,
"Can we get into?

1135
00:47:00,339 --> 00:47:02,210
We know there's like a
velvet ropey kinda area,

1136
00:47:02,341 --> 00:47:03,690
could we go in that?"

1137
00:47:03,821 --> 00:47:05,561
So we did, and we get
into the velvet-rope area

1138
00:47:05,692 --> 00:47:06,998
and we're sitting there

1139
00:47:07,128 --> 00:47:08,390
and we're hanging out
with a couple of people,

1140
00:47:08,521 --> 00:47:10,218
maybe Bryan Cranston was
there, it was so fun,

1141
00:47:10,523 --> 00:47:11,567
and then everyone
starts leaving.

1142
00:47:11,698 --> 00:47:12,742
And we're like, "Oh,
where you going?"

1143
00:47:12,873 --> 00:47:14,005
"Oh, we're going to
Madonna's thing."

1144
00:47:14,135 --> 00:47:15,006
And we're like,

1145
00:47:15,136 --> 00:47:16,311
- "Huh?"
- Another velvet rope?

1146
00:47:16,442 --> 00:47:17,356
Literally.

1147
00:47:17,486 --> 00:47:18,574
- Another rope.
- And then you go

1148
00:47:18,705 --> 00:47:19,619
to Madonna's,

1149
00:47:19,749 --> 00:47:21,055
and there's a group of people

1150
00:47:21,186 --> 00:47:23,231
that get to go downstairs
to where Madonna is

1151
00:47:23,362 --> 00:47:25,799
at Madonna's party.
So that was LA to me,

1152
00:47:25,930 --> 00:47:26,844
was no matter...

1153
00:47:26,974 --> 00:47:28,628
- Wow.
- ...the cool spot you got,

1154
00:47:28,758 --> 00:47:31,674
it felt like there
was another level.

1155
00:47:31,805 --> 00:47:32,632
And the thing is,
you would've been fine,

1156
00:47:32,762 --> 00:47:33,807
if you hadn't have seen

1157
00:47:33,938 --> 00:47:35,200
that velvet rope,
you would've had

1158
00:47:35,330 --> 00:47:36,070
- a great time.
- Woulda had a great time.

1159
00:47:36,201 --> 00:47:36,941
Would've had the best time.

1160
00:47:41,510 --> 00:47:43,643
I'm watching Britney Spears
dance.

1161
00:47:44,949 --> 00:47:46,298
Dance?

1162
00:47:46,428 --> 00:47:48,213
She always just dances
semi-naked in her house.

1163
00:47:48,343 --> 00:47:49,475
Oh, yes.

1164
00:47:51,694 --> 00:47:53,827
I remember being 12,

1165
00:47:53,958 --> 00:47:56,656
knowing that
Britney Spears made it

1166
00:47:56,786 --> 00:47:58,049
on "The Mickey Mouse Club"

1167
00:47:58,179 --> 00:47:59,398
when she was 12.

1168
00:47:59,528 --> 00:48:00,878
And I hadn't made it,

1169
00:48:01,008 --> 00:48:03,489
and I wasn't on "The Mickey
Mouse Club" or "Barney."

1170
00:48:03,793 --> 00:48:05,491
I remember just feeling like,

1171
00:48:05,621 --> 00:48:08,233
"I've missed my chance,
I've passed my prime."

1172
00:48:08,363 --> 00:48:09,364
And that was me at 12.

1173
00:48:09,495 --> 00:48:11,671
So me at 34.

1174
00:48:14,848 --> 00:48:16,981
It's no surprise that
I'm blonde right now.

1175
00:48:17,111 --> 00:48:19,853
I remember wanting
to be a white girl so badly,

1176
00:48:19,984 --> 00:48:23,117
because I just,
I thought as a kid

1177
00:48:23,248 --> 00:48:27,034
that being white was
seen as beautiful.

1178
00:48:27,165 --> 00:48:29,297
<i>Richard, I don't</i>
<i>wanna be obsessed with race,</i>

1179
00:48:29,428 --> 00:48:30,908
<i>but this is a different angle</i>

1180
00:48:31,038 --> 00:48:33,432
<i>I really never heard</i>
<i>anybody discuss.</i>

1181
00:48:33,562 --> 00:48:35,564
Can white writers
write for you?

1182
00:48:35,695 --> 00:48:36,914
You know what I mean?

1183
00:48:37,044 --> 00:48:39,655
If they write for the
human being in me, yes.

1184
00:48:40,047 --> 00:48:43,355
If they try to
write for some idea

1185
00:48:43,485 --> 00:48:46,445
they have of what I would
be as a black person,

1186
00:48:46,575 --> 00:48:49,317
they usually cannot do that.

1187
00:48:49,448 --> 00:48:51,189
Most of the shows that
we have on British TV

1188
00:48:51,319 --> 00:48:52,712
that include black people

1189
00:48:52,842 --> 00:48:54,714
were written or created
by white people.

1190
00:48:54,844 --> 00:48:57,325
And for me, because
I was in the industry

1191
00:48:57,456 --> 00:49:00,111
and I wasn't like that,

1192
00:49:00,241 --> 00:49:02,678
I wasn't black enough
for the white people,

1193
00:49:02,809 --> 00:49:04,202
then also I'm black,

1194
00:49:04,332 --> 00:49:06,204
so I was too black for
the white people as well.

1195
00:49:06,334 --> 00:49:07,509
Earlier in my career,

1196
00:49:07,640 --> 00:49:09,555
I'd be steered in a direction

1197
00:49:09,685 --> 00:49:11,992
to sound a certain type of way.

1198
00:49:12,123 --> 00:49:14,081
What would be a case of
somebody trying to sound black?

1199
00:49:14,212 --> 00:49:15,778
Could you give an example of it?

1200
00:49:15,909 --> 00:49:17,650
I mean, I know they
don't mean any harm,

1201
00:49:17,780 --> 00:49:20,348
but they don't realize
how ignorant it is

1202
00:49:20,479 --> 00:49:22,263
trying to have that black voice

1203
00:49:22,394 --> 00:49:25,310
that some whites try to do,

1204
00:49:25,440 --> 00:49:26,659
and really don't do well.

1205
00:49:26,789 --> 00:49:28,878
Like,
"Why you jive turkey."

1206
00:49:32,143 --> 00:49:34,754
Yeah, that was.

1207
00:49:34,884 --> 00:49:36,364
<i>I did a commercial,</i>

1208
00:49:36,495 --> 00:49:38,366
<i>it was one of the only</i>
<i>commercials I've ever booked,</i>

1209
00:49:38,497 --> 00:49:40,194
I play a fairy in it.

1210
00:49:40,325 --> 00:49:42,327
And at the audition,
the casting director was like,

1211
00:49:42,457 --> 00:49:44,372
"Be as black as you can be.

1212
00:49:44,503 --> 00:49:45,983
And if you go too black,

1213
00:49:46,113 --> 00:49:47,593
I'll bring you back."

1214
00:49:47,723 --> 00:49:49,508
- What?
- And,

1215
00:49:49,638 --> 00:49:52,554
in the room, I was like,
"How is she gonna bring me back?

1216
00:49:52,685 --> 00:49:53,729
One."

1217
00:49:53,860 --> 00:49:57,907
"Two, what is <i>too black?"</i>

1218
00:49:58,038 --> 00:50:00,171
- Was she black?
- You know she wasn't.

1219
00:50:03,261 --> 00:50:04,697
- You know --
- Wow.

1220
00:50:04,827 --> 00:50:06,220
It was a thin white woman

1221
00:50:06,351 --> 00:50:08,222
who was like, "I want
you to say things

1222
00:50:08,353 --> 00:50:11,356
that your people say,
like call the little boy, 'Son,'

1223
00:50:11,486 --> 00:50:12,357
and say, 'Sister.'"

1224
00:50:12,487 --> 00:50:14,837
And she wanted neck movements

1225
00:50:14,968 --> 00:50:17,536
- for a fairy.
- Sheesh.

1226
00:50:17,666 --> 00:50:19,451
She'd be like,
"I grant your wish."

1227
00:50:23,498 --> 00:50:24,978
And the comic in you

1228
00:50:25,109 --> 00:50:26,632
could probably know that is it

1229
00:50:26,762 --> 00:50:28,025
- material potentially?
- Oh, yeah,

1230
00:50:28,155 --> 00:50:29,765
I ended up writing
a sketch about it

1231
00:50:29,896 --> 00:50:31,158
called, "Be Blacker."

1232
00:50:31,289 --> 00:50:33,204
Right, Nicole, I need
you to be <i>blacker.</i>

1233
00:50:34,466 --> 00:50:36,337
Do you understand what I
mean when I say, "Blacker?"

1234
00:50:36,468 --> 00:50:38,209
No, I'm sorry, I-I don't.

1235
00:50:38,339 --> 00:50:40,515
Do you know how to be
sassy?

1236
00:50:40,646 --> 00:50:42,517
Yes, let me see, yeah,

1237
00:50:42,648 --> 00:50:43,953
sassy, that's great, sassy.

1238
00:50:44,084 --> 00:50:44,911
I want you to take that,

1239
00:50:45,042 --> 00:50:45,955
go right into it, I love that.

1240
00:50:46,086 --> 00:50:47,174
- Sass it up.
- Okay, sassy.

1241
00:50:47,305 --> 00:50:48,610
Still
rolling, go ahead.

1242
00:50:48,741 --> 00:50:50,003
LeShwana, did you get
those clams I asked for?

1243
00:50:50,134 --> 00:50:51,178
Whoo, child,

1244
00:50:51,309 --> 00:50:53,093
I got them clams.

1245
00:50:53,224 --> 00:50:55,791
I got everything on
that list you gave me.

1246
00:50:55,922 --> 00:50:59,360
Okay, um, have you
heard of Madea?

1247
00:51:00,231 --> 00:51:02,233
It doesn't feel good
when someone's like,

1248
00:51:02,363 --> 00:51:03,495
"The black you are

1249
00:51:03,625 --> 00:51:04,583
is not
the black I want."

1250
00:51:04,713 --> 00:51:06,280
- Oh.
- "I want you to pretend

1251
00:51:06,411 --> 00:51:08,065
to be this other type of black

1252
00:51:08,195 --> 00:51:11,372
that I only know
from TV or whatever."

1253
00:51:11,938 --> 00:51:13,200
And it wasn't only that,

1254
00:51:13,331 --> 00:51:15,420
I'm also fat and I
had to be in a harness

1255
00:51:15,550 --> 00:51:16,725
and hoisted to the sky.

1256
00:51:16,856 --> 00:51:18,292
And the first thing
the stunt guy said was,

1257
00:51:18,423 --> 00:51:20,555
"We tested this on the
biggest man we could find.

1258
00:51:20,686 --> 00:51:22,079
You're bigger,
but we tested it."

1259
00:51:22,209 --> 00:51:23,384
And I was like,

1260
00:51:23,515 --> 00:51:25,604
"So I'm like a parody
of a black person,

1261
00:51:25,734 --> 00:51:27,475
I might die, I'm the
biggest thing there,

1262
00:51:27,606 --> 00:51:28,911
people were staring at me."

1263
00:51:29,042 --> 00:51:30,870
It was wild, the
whole thing was wild.

1264
00:51:31,000 --> 00:51:32,001
Wow.

1265
00:51:39,792 --> 00:51:43,317
<i>You're told as a kid,</i>
<i>"Ugh, ugh, she's fat."</i>

1266
00:51:44,405 --> 00:51:46,494
<i>And you're told that</i>
<i>fat is a bad word.</i>

1267
00:51:48,105 --> 00:51:49,758
<i>In my early 20s,</i>

1268
00:51:49,889 --> 00:51:52,283
<i>I worked at a clothing</i>
<i>store called Lane Bryant.</i>

1269
00:51:52,413 --> 00:51:53,545
I called it Lame Giant,

1270
00:51:53,675 --> 00:51:55,112
nobody thought it was funny.

1271
00:51:55,242 --> 00:51:57,070
And I would

1272
00:51:57,201 --> 00:51:59,986
wear really skin-tight clothing.

1273
00:52:00,117 --> 00:52:01,857
And my manager, she
looked just like Shrek,

1274
00:52:01,988 --> 00:52:03,294
her name was Judith.

1275
00:52:03,424 --> 00:52:04,904
Please leave her name in.

1276
00:52:05,034 --> 00:52:08,168
And she would yell
at me, reprimand me,

1277
00:52:08,299 --> 00:52:10,562
she would be like, "You
can't wear tight clothing."

1278
00:52:10,997 --> 00:52:13,695
And in my brain,
I was like, "What?

1279
00:52:14,131 --> 00:52:16,655
So am I lying to the other
fat people about being fat?

1280
00:52:16,785 --> 00:52:18,309
That's insane."

1281
00:52:18,439 --> 00:52:20,093
I just had an epiphany
where I was like,

1282
00:52:20,224 --> 00:52:21,747
"I don't give a shit.

1283
00:52:21,877 --> 00:52:24,315
I'm just gonna wear what
I feel comfortable in."

1284
00:52:24,445 --> 00:52:26,447
And then I started wearing
bikinis out in public.

1285
00:52:26,882 --> 00:52:29,189
And then I was like,
people do stare,

1286
00:52:29,320 --> 00:52:31,670
but I was like, "That means
my body's really powerful."

1287
00:52:32,061 --> 00:52:35,543
So I tell a lot of fat jokes.

1288
00:52:35,674 --> 00:52:37,066
And there's always

1289
00:52:37,197 --> 00:52:38,242
someone in the
audience who's like,

1290
00:52:38,372 --> 00:52:42,071
"Nicole, you're
not fat, girl, no."

1291
00:52:43,856 --> 00:52:46,424
"You're beautiful!"

1292
00:52:46,554 --> 00:52:48,774
Bitch, I know.

1293
00:52:50,210 --> 00:52:51,777
Look at this!

1294
00:52:52,430 --> 00:52:53,953
Thank you.

1295
00:52:54,083 --> 00:52:55,998
It's nice to pull from something

1296
00:52:56,129 --> 00:52:57,783
where you're like, "Oh,
that didn't feel great,"

1297
00:52:57,913 --> 00:52:59,350
and turn it into
something great.

1298
00:52:59,480 --> 00:53:00,742
You'll talk about
anything on stage,

1299
00:53:00,873 --> 00:53:02,396
- yeah?
- For the most part, yeah.

1300
00:53:02,527 --> 00:53:03,789
- You're more --
- I don't know, I just feel

1301
00:53:03,919 --> 00:53:05,356
like everyone kinda
goes through shit,

1302
00:53:05,486 --> 00:53:07,009
so why not talk about it?

1303
00:53:07,140 --> 00:53:08,272
Because there's
somebody in the audience

1304
00:53:08,446 --> 00:53:10,317
that's gone through it
or identifies with it.

1305
00:53:10,448 --> 00:53:11,492
Nice.

1306
00:53:14,060 --> 00:53:15,235
After my mother passed away,

1307
00:53:15,366 --> 00:53:18,369
I was diagnosed with
bilateral breast cancer,

1308
00:53:18,499 --> 00:53:21,459
but I have not told anybody yet.

1309
00:53:25,941 --> 00:53:27,378
You're the first
people to find out.

1310
00:53:30,729 --> 00:53:32,905
Wow, that's a very
cold response.

1311
00:53:39,128 --> 00:53:41,348
<i>After all of</i>
<i>the attention I got,</i>

1312
00:53:41,479 --> 00:53:43,220
<i>it confused me,</i>

1313
00:53:43,350 --> 00:53:45,613
<i>because everybody was saying</i>

1314
00:53:45,744 --> 00:53:46,788
that I found my voice

1315
00:53:46,919 --> 00:53:49,965
and that I am
a dark truth teller.

1316
00:53:50,357 --> 00:53:52,751
And I was thinking, "Yeah, I
guess that's what I am."

1317
00:53:54,579 --> 00:53:56,668
Before my surgery, I was
already relatively

1318
00:53:56,798 --> 00:53:58,757
flat chested.

1319
00:53:58,887 --> 00:54:02,413
And I made so many
jokes over the years

1320
00:54:02,543 --> 00:54:05,590
about how small my boobs were

1321
00:54:05,720 --> 00:54:08,157
that I started to think

1322
00:54:08,288 --> 00:54:13,511
that maybe my
boobs overheard me.

1323
00:54:18,516 --> 00:54:23,172
And were just like,
"You know what?"

1324
00:54:25,566 --> 00:54:26,828
"We're sick of this."

1325
00:54:30,789 --> 00:54:32,138
"Let's kill her."

1326
00:54:36,577 --> 00:54:38,187
But I was really lost, you know.

1327
00:54:38,318 --> 00:54:41,278
I was still swirling
from so much.

1328
00:54:45,412 --> 00:54:46,805
<i>I was trying to have a child.</i>

1329
00:54:49,416 --> 00:54:51,375
Even before Stephanie
and I got together,

1330
00:54:51,505 --> 00:54:53,072
and I kept it a secret from her

1331
00:54:53,202 --> 00:54:56,075
'cause I didn't wanna
freak her out

1332
00:54:56,205 --> 00:54:58,469
in the beginning of
our relationship

1333
00:54:59,992 --> 00:55:02,995
To be falling in love
and say, "Oh, by the way...

1334
00:55:03,865 --> 00:55:07,086
<i>...I'm also injecting myself</i>
<i>on the side of the road</i>

1335
00:55:07,216 --> 00:55:10,132
<i>with hormones to try</i>
<i>and have a child by myself.</i>

1336
00:55:11,612 --> 00:55:12,657
Wanna go out?"

1337
00:55:13,788 --> 00:55:16,878
<i>Once I revealed it to her,</i>

1338
00:55:17,009 --> 00:55:19,316
<i>I couldn't believe</i>
<i>that she was all-in.</i>

1339
00:55:19,446 --> 00:55:21,753
She was like, "I don't want
you hiding that from me,

1340
00:55:21,883 --> 00:55:23,450
I wanna be a part of that."

1341
00:55:23,581 --> 00:55:25,800
And I
could not believe

1342
00:55:25,931 --> 00:55:27,759
she was saying that.

1343
00:55:27,889 --> 00:55:30,631
Then we started to do
that together as a couple.

1344
00:55:32,590 --> 00:55:36,898
<i>I was the subject of a</i>
<i>documentary film called "Tig."</i>

1345
00:55:37,029 --> 00:55:39,248
The producers and directors

1346
00:55:39,379 --> 00:55:42,730
wanted me to get the results

1347
00:55:42,861 --> 00:55:46,778
of my pregnancy test on camera.

1348
00:55:47,300 --> 00:55:49,476
I know if the news
that he's in there,

1349
00:55:49,607 --> 00:55:51,739
if that is the news,

1350
00:55:51,870 --> 00:55:53,524
I don't think it
would be possible

1351
00:55:53,654 --> 00:55:56,918
to have another bad
day while I'm alive.

1352
00:55:57,963 --> 00:56:00,705
Because of my health,

1353
00:56:00,835 --> 00:56:04,143
it was questionable
whether or not

1354
00:56:04,273 --> 00:56:05,971
I should be even trying to do

1355
00:56:06,101 --> 00:56:09,757
this hormone treatment
to have --

1356
00:56:10,454 --> 00:56:13,718
It just, it was really a lot.

1357
00:56:14,849 --> 00:56:16,938
Oh, my gosh,

1358
00:56:17,069 --> 00:56:18,897
there's the doctor.

1359
00:56:19,027 --> 00:56:20,115
Oh, boy.

1360
00:56:20,246 --> 00:56:23,162
<i>And then I got</i>
<i>the news on camera.</i>

1361
00:56:26,034 --> 00:56:27,079
Hello?

1362
00:56:28,472 --> 00:56:31,649
<i>Hi, so I got the</i>
<i>results of the blood test,</i>

1363
00:56:32,084 --> 00:56:35,392
<i>and unfortunately, I don't</i>
<i>have good news for you.</i>

1364
00:56:35,522 --> 00:56:37,742
- Uh-huh.
<i>- The results came back</i>

1365
00:56:37,872 --> 00:56:40,135
<i>as less than two</i>
<i>for pregnancy test,</i>

1366
00:56:40,266 --> 00:56:42,137
<i>and that means it's negative.</i>

1367
00:56:44,444 --> 00:56:46,359
It's so wild to think about now

1368
00:56:46,490 --> 00:56:50,189
because there really
wasn't an ounce of my being

1369
00:56:50,319 --> 00:56:55,934
that thought that it
wasn't gonna happen.

1370
00:56:59,154 --> 00:57:00,591
<i>I was so convinced.</i>

1371
00:57:02,723 --> 00:57:03,855
<i>It was devastating.</i>

1372
00:57:05,378 --> 00:57:09,817
<i>And there I was</i>
<i>with cameras on me.</i>

1373
00:57:13,168 --> 00:57:15,432
I really wanted
privacy at that moment.

1374
00:57:29,576 --> 00:57:31,404
I have
massive impostor syndrome

1375
00:57:31,535 --> 00:57:32,449
- with a lot of things.
- Do you know

1376
00:57:32,579 --> 00:57:33,232
- any of these guys?
- No.

1377
00:57:33,362 --> 00:57:34,233
- No?
- No,

1378
00:57:34,363 --> 00:57:37,802
I think I've met Gary before,

1379
00:57:37,932 --> 00:57:41,675
but like <i>decades</i>before.

1380
00:57:41,806 --> 00:57:44,025
So that's as much as
I know anyone here.

1381
00:57:44,156 --> 00:57:45,418
Gary and I have funny history

1382
00:57:45,549 --> 00:57:47,072
because when we first met,

1383
00:57:47,202 --> 00:57:49,466
I was in Los Angeles
for a few days.

1384
00:57:49,596 --> 00:57:53,208
You and I did a show together
on Sunset Strip at some bar.

1385
00:57:53,339 --> 00:57:54,688
And then he was like,
"Here's my number,

1386
00:57:54,819 --> 00:57:55,820
let's hang out."

1387
00:57:55,950 --> 00:57:58,039
And then you ghosted me

1388
00:57:58,170 --> 00:57:59,693
- for about five years.
- Nice.

1389
00:57:59,824 --> 00:58:01,390
- Wow, wow.
- That is funny.

1390
00:58:01,521 --> 00:58:03,001
Why did you ghost him?

1391
00:58:03,131 --> 00:58:04,437
I'll tell you why I ghosted him.

1392
00:58:04,568 --> 00:58:06,091
When I wasn't on stage,

1393
00:58:06,221 --> 00:58:11,052
I was frequently standing
on a window sill.

1394
00:58:11,183 --> 00:58:13,838
I'd never been more
depressed.

1395
00:58:13,968 --> 00:58:14,839
I was on the 12th floor

1396
00:58:14,969 --> 00:58:16,101
and I remember looking out,

1397
00:58:16,231 --> 00:58:17,450
the thing that
saved me was like,

1398
00:58:17,581 --> 00:58:19,408
"I know I'm gonna
regret it halfway down."

1399
00:58:19,539 --> 00:58:21,323
- Oh, wow.
- I would stand up there.

1400
00:58:21,585 --> 00:58:22,803
Would there be anyone

1401
00:58:22,977 --> 00:58:24,457
that could take you off
that ledge at that point,

1402
00:58:24,588 --> 00:58:25,893
or would it just have to be you?

1403
00:58:26,024 --> 00:58:27,416
It was just me, yeah.

1404
00:58:27,547 --> 00:58:29,723
I mean, I always thought
somebody would call

1405
00:58:29,854 --> 00:58:32,378
with some nice thing
or something like that,

1406
00:58:32,509 --> 00:58:33,814
but it was--

1407
00:58:33,945 --> 00:58:35,120
I was calling.

1408
00:58:35,250 --> 00:58:36,556
Aw.

1409
00:58:36,687 --> 00:58:38,079
Mike was calling you.
It was me,

1410
00:58:38,210 --> 00:58:39,385
- I was calling.
- It was Mike.

1411
00:58:39,516 --> 00:58:41,518
I called the ledge.

1412
00:58:41,648 --> 00:58:42,649
- The ledge.
- I even called the landline

1413
00:58:42,780 --> 00:58:43,868
that was attached

1414
00:58:43,998 --> 00:58:44,956
- to the ledge.
- The living room ledge?

1415
00:58:45,086 --> 00:58:46,044
- Yes.
- The living room ledge?

1416
00:58:46,174 --> 00:58:47,480
- Okay.
- You kidding me?

1417
00:58:47,611 --> 00:58:48,568
- There was a landline.
- Were you paying rent

1418
00:58:48,699 --> 00:58:49,917
or were you just
standing out on a ledge?

1419
00:58:50,048 --> 00:58:52,050
No, it was a --

1420
00:58:56,054 --> 00:58:58,317
<i>Since I've been seven</i>
<i>years old,</i>

1421
00:58:58,447 --> 00:59:02,713
I couldn't imagine
an ending for my life

1422
00:59:02,843 --> 00:59:04,932
that wasn't
self-inflicted.

1423
00:59:14,202 --> 00:59:15,682
Oh my gosh.

1424
00:59:15,813 --> 00:59:16,857
- Do you have those?
- When was the last time

1425
00:59:16,988 --> 00:59:17,728
I had that thought?

1426
00:59:17,858 --> 00:59:18,859
Sure.

1427
00:59:18,990 --> 00:59:21,601
Probably October of 2017.

1428
00:59:22,297 --> 00:59:24,735
The best 2017 was Chris Pine.

1429
00:59:26,084 --> 00:59:28,565
He was Captain Kirk
in "Star Trek"

1430
00:59:28,695 --> 00:59:30,784
and the love interest
in "Wonder Woman."

1431
00:59:31,393 --> 00:59:33,091
Let's compare to my 2017.

1432
00:59:35,006 --> 00:59:37,574
Psych ward.

1433
00:59:38,139 --> 00:59:42,970
<i>I would have three-to-six-month</i>
<i>periods of depression,</i>

1434
00:59:43,101 --> 00:59:45,582
I remember, as early
as seven years old,

1435
00:59:45,712 --> 00:59:48,889
just about every
year through 46.

1436
00:59:49,020 --> 00:59:50,369
And then at 46,

1437
00:59:50,499 --> 00:59:53,198
I had one that lasted
for 2 1/2 years.

1438
00:59:53,677 --> 00:59:56,288
And it had never been that deep,

1439
00:59:56,418 --> 00:59:58,812
it had never lasted that long.

1440
00:59:58,943 --> 01:00:00,814
It was just, my wife said,

1441
01:00:00,945 --> 01:00:03,556
"I thought you were dying."

1442
01:00:03,687 --> 01:00:05,950
I was catatonic on the
couch all day long,

1443
01:00:06,080 --> 01:00:07,952
I couldn't take shows.

1444
01:00:08,082 --> 01:00:10,432
And that was the one thing
I was always able to do

1445
01:00:10,563 --> 01:00:13,000
through my, at that
point, 24-year career

1446
01:00:13,131 --> 01:00:15,612
was pull myself together

1447
01:00:15,742 --> 01:00:19,964
for an hour or so
each night and work.

1448
01:00:20,094 --> 01:00:21,530
And then I couldn't
even do that.

1449
01:00:21,661 --> 01:00:22,706
<i>Excruciating.</i>

1450
01:00:32,280 --> 01:00:35,544
I'd been offered to come into
the hospital for two years,

1451
01:00:35,675 --> 01:00:38,025
and I've fought it
because of every reason

1452
01:00:38,156 --> 01:00:40,158
why people are
afraid of hospitals.

1453
01:00:40,288 --> 01:00:41,986
Movies and television tell you

1454
01:00:42,116 --> 01:00:44,989
that the psych ward is dangerous

1455
01:00:45,119 --> 01:00:46,381
and it'll make you worse

1456
01:00:46,512 --> 01:00:48,514
and that it's unclean.

1457
01:00:48,645 --> 01:00:51,865
And I checked myself
in, and it was ordinary.

1458
01:00:51,996 --> 01:00:54,781
Other than you have to
give up your shoelaces

1459
01:00:54,912 --> 01:00:57,436
and wear socks with
treads on them,

1460
01:00:57,566 --> 01:00:59,830
it's very ordinary.

1461
01:00:59,960 --> 01:01:03,877
And I got recognized by another
patient from television.

1462
01:01:04,617 --> 01:01:06,837
And he said, "I
won't tell anybody

1463
01:01:06,967 --> 01:01:08,403
and I don't wanna embarrass you,

1464
01:01:08,534 --> 01:01:10,449
but am I crazy or
are you Gary Gulman?"

1465
01:01:10,579 --> 01:01:12,843
And I said, "Oh, you're crazy."

1466
01:01:14,975 --> 01:01:17,412
But I'm only taking that
from the context.

1467
01:01:19,110 --> 01:01:22,635
My psychiatrist is
an advocate for and an expert

1468
01:01:22,766 --> 01:01:26,247
in something called
electroconvulsive therapy,

1469
01:01:26,378 --> 01:01:30,687
which used to be called
electroshock therapy,

1470
01:01:30,817 --> 01:01:32,558
but they felt electroshock

1471
01:01:32,689 --> 01:01:34,865
was not quite horrifying enough.

1472
01:01:36,344 --> 01:01:38,259
They said, "Yes,
electroshock is disturbing,

1473
01:01:38,390 --> 01:01:41,219
but I feel like we're
soft-selling the convulsions."

1474
01:01:43,351 --> 01:01:45,658
I had only seen that in "One
Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest."

1475
01:01:45,789 --> 01:01:46,572
Wow.

1476
01:01:46,703 --> 01:01:48,443
And it scared the shit outta me.

1477
01:01:48,574 --> 01:01:50,228
But I'm grateful that
I can talk about it

1478
01:01:50,358 --> 01:01:51,708
from the other side

1479
01:01:51,838 --> 01:01:55,929
and make people less
afraid of those treatments,

1480
01:01:56,060 --> 01:01:58,715
because it's the gold standard,

1481
01:01:58,845 --> 01:02:02,109
and especially for a
treatment-resistant depression.

1482
01:02:02,240 --> 01:02:03,589
What I'm trying to say is,

1483
01:02:03,720 --> 01:02:06,026
I've tried everything up
to then, every medication.

1484
01:02:06,157 --> 01:02:09,334
Pamelor, and then Prozac,

1485
01:02:09,464 --> 01:02:12,032
Celexa, Effexor, Zyprexa.

1486
01:02:12,163 --> 01:02:13,599
I think my doctor just said,

1487
01:02:13,730 --> 01:02:15,340
"Let's try drugs that rhyme."

1488
01:02:18,473 --> 01:02:23,261
And it was that that I
think rewired, or defragged,

1489
01:02:23,391 --> 01:02:24,784
or however you wanna put it,

1490
01:02:24,915 --> 01:02:28,919
to my brain, got out the
grooves that it was in,

1491
01:02:29,049 --> 01:02:31,878
and it saved my
life, and so I'm --

1492
01:02:32,966 --> 01:02:34,794
Oh, thank you, and --

1493
01:02:41,670 --> 01:02:44,369
<i>After ECT, I made a decision</i>

1494
01:02:44,499 --> 01:02:47,894
to move back to
the town that I grew up in

1495
01:02:48,025 --> 01:02:51,463
to convalesce.

1496
01:02:52,638 --> 01:02:56,947
And I wound up moving into
the same house

1497
01:02:57,077 --> 01:02:58,122
I grew up in.

1498
01:02:58,600 --> 01:03:01,299
And coincidence of coincidences,

1499
01:03:01,429 --> 01:03:02,822
my mother still lived there.

1500
01:03:10,090 --> 01:03:11,526
46 years old.

1501
01:03:11,657 --> 01:03:12,789
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

1502
01:03:12,919 --> 01:03:14,573
And here's the other thing,

1503
01:03:14,703 --> 01:03:17,228
I find it easier to tell people

1504
01:03:17,358 --> 01:03:22,537
that I had received
a dozen

1505
01:03:22,668 --> 01:03:26,063
inpatient electroconvulsive
therapy sessions

1506
01:03:26,193 --> 01:03:29,936
than, at 46 years old, I had
moved back in with my mother.

1507
01:03:34,723 --> 01:03:36,769
<i>I got better and</i>
<i>started doing stand-up.</i>

1508
01:03:36,900 --> 01:03:38,640
<i>And it got me to do</i>

1509
01:03:38,771 --> 01:03:40,294
<i>this thing, which</i>
<i>is very therapeutic,</i>

1510
01:03:40,425 --> 01:03:42,209
<i>which is get out of the house</i>

1511
01:03:42,340 --> 01:03:43,602
and be around people.

1512
01:03:43,950 --> 01:03:46,387
<i>And I happen to be welcome</i>

1513
01:03:46,518 --> 01:03:48,215
<i>at a comedy club</i>
<i>in Harvard Square</i>

1514
01:03:48,346 --> 01:03:50,652
<i>called the the Comedy Studio</i>

1515
01:03:50,783 --> 01:03:53,786
<i>to try out jokes</i>
<i>about mental illness.</i>

1516
01:03:53,917 --> 01:03:55,048
<i>It was the ideal place</i>

1517
01:03:55,179 --> 01:03:56,833
<i>because I felt loved there.</i>

1518
01:03:56,963 --> 01:03:59,661
<i>And I could fail</i>
<i>and I could do well.</i>

1519
01:03:59,792 --> 01:04:01,402
And that permission
to fail was essential.

1520
01:04:06,016 --> 01:04:07,495
Thank you.

1521
01:04:07,626 --> 01:04:08,975
Thanks so much.

1522
01:04:09,280 --> 01:04:13,327
I've been diagnosed
depressed for over 30 years,

1523
01:04:13,458 --> 01:04:15,547
and it went from sneaking

1524
01:04:15,677 --> 01:04:18,811
into my therapist's office

1525
01:04:18,942 --> 01:04:22,467
to telling anyone with
an HBO subscription

1526
01:04:22,597 --> 01:04:24,208
in 30 years.

1527
01:04:24,338 --> 01:04:25,992
So those are great strides.

1528
01:04:26,123 --> 01:04:27,776
- That's huge.
- There has never been

1529
01:04:27,907 --> 01:04:29,866
a better time to
be mentally ill.

1530
01:04:32,520 --> 01:04:34,783
My husband's mom also
has schizophrenia.

1531
01:04:34,914 --> 01:04:37,482
And some people think that's
how we started dating.

1532
01:04:37,612 --> 01:04:39,092
Yeah, no, yeah,

1533
01:04:39,223 --> 01:04:40,180
which can you imagine

1534
01:04:40,311 --> 01:04:41,834
that being your only criteria

1535
01:04:41,965 --> 01:04:44,445
for finding a partner?

1536
01:04:44,576 --> 01:04:45,359
Like how would that work, right?

1537
01:04:45,490 --> 01:04:46,534
Just “YourMomToo.com."

1538
01:04:52,627 --> 01:04:53,802
<i>I didn't really mention</i>

1539
01:04:53,977 --> 01:04:56,588
<i>that my mom has mental</i>
<i>illness or anything</i>

1540
01:04:56,718 --> 01:04:58,938
with friendships or
relationships at all.

1541
01:04:59,504 --> 01:05:00,722
It just happened to be

1542
01:05:00,853 --> 01:05:03,247
that on a night I'm
just hanging out

1543
01:05:03,377 --> 01:05:04,770
with someone I like

1544
01:05:04,901 --> 01:05:08,295
and we're about to get intimate

1545
01:05:08,426 --> 01:05:10,080
for the first time,

1546
01:05:10,210 --> 01:05:11,777
he gets a call from his mom.

1547
01:05:12,517 --> 01:05:13,518
And I was talking to my mom

1548
01:05:13,648 --> 01:05:16,390
before we were about to,
um, you know.

1549
01:05:17,000 --> 01:05:18,653
- Do it?
- Do it.

1550
01:05:18,784 --> 01:05:20,307
- Yeah.
- Ryan told me first

1551
01:05:20,438 --> 01:05:22,092
that his mom has schizophrenia,

1552
01:05:22,222 --> 01:05:24,529
and then I revealed
that my mom, too.

1553
01:05:25,008 --> 01:05:26,444
- That is so wild.
- Yeah,

1554
01:05:26,574 --> 01:05:27,532
it was weird, where I was like,

1555
01:05:27,662 --> 01:05:29,273
"I feel like I'm in a movie."

1556
01:05:29,403 --> 01:05:30,709
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

1557
01:05:30,839 --> 01:05:31,797
And she doesn't even know

1558
01:05:31,928 --> 01:05:33,103
you're talking about it?

1559
01:05:33,233 --> 01:05:34,539
She knows I talk about a lot.

1560
01:05:34,669 --> 01:05:36,497
I say, "Mom, I'm
an open book on stage.

1561
01:05:36,628 --> 01:05:39,283
I talk about our family,
I talk about a lot of stuff.

1562
01:05:39,413 --> 01:05:40,458
But just know, people,

1563
01:05:40,632 --> 01:05:42,286
- they never judge us for it.
- Yeah.

1564
01:05:42,416 --> 01:05:45,245
They share their stories
with me afterwards, too.

1565
01:05:45,376 --> 01:05:47,508
So they don't feel
like they're freaks,

1566
01:05:47,639 --> 01:05:48,509
and so we're not freaks either."

1567
01:05:48,640 --> 01:05:50,381
I kinda tell her that.

1568
01:05:50,511 --> 01:05:52,339
And then, you know.

1569
01:05:54,602 --> 01:05:57,475
And schizophrenia is hard
to talk about in comedy

1570
01:05:57,605 --> 01:05:59,129
because people are afraid of it

1571
01:05:59,259 --> 01:06:00,652
and it's so stigmatized.

1572
01:06:00,782 --> 01:06:01,958
And I don't think it helps

1573
01:06:02,088 --> 01:06:04,134
that it has such
a scary sounding name.

1574
01:06:05,787 --> 01:06:07,050
No, it doesn't,
yeah, it doesn't help, yeah.

1575
01:06:07,180 --> 01:06:08,268
I truly wish schizophrenia

1576
01:06:08,399 --> 01:06:10,053
had a more approachable name,

1577
01:06:10,183 --> 01:06:12,316
something like Splash Mountain.

1578
01:06:13,882 --> 01:06:15,319
That's fun, I love
that ride, right?

1579
01:06:16,624 --> 01:06:18,104
In fact, what if
all mental illnesses

1580
01:06:18,235 --> 01:06:20,150
were just named after
rides at Disneyland?

1581
01:06:26,721 --> 01:06:28,245
<i>I would watch a lot</i>
<i>of Disney movies,</i>

1582
01:06:28,375 --> 01:06:30,943
<i>and Disney movies don't</i>
<i>have great examples of moms,</i>

1583
01:06:31,074 --> 01:06:33,467
<i>they're usually not there.</i>
<i>You know.</i>

1584
01:06:33,728 --> 01:06:35,904
Little Mermaid
doesn't have a mom.

1585
01:06:36,035 --> 01:06:37,123
Belle from
"Beauty and the Beast"

1586
01:06:37,254 --> 01:06:38,298
doesn't have a mom.

1587
01:06:38,429 --> 01:06:40,387
Cinderella doesn't have a mom.

1588
01:06:40,518 --> 01:06:41,954
Pocahontas doesn't have a mom.

1589
01:06:42,476 --> 01:06:44,348
She has a grandma,
but she's a tree.

1590
01:06:46,306 --> 01:06:48,395
So I
just thought moms

1591
01:06:48,526 --> 01:06:50,354
were maybe like
my mom.

1592
01:06:55,054 --> 01:06:57,100
<i>I don't know what mental</i>
<i>illness is when I'm a kid.</i>

1593
01:06:58,449 --> 01:07:00,320
<i>We didn't talk about that.</i>
<i>You know.</i>

1594
01:07:03,236 --> 01:07:05,412
And you've never
had a therapist?

1595
01:07:05,543 --> 01:07:06,979
I've had therapists before,

1596
01:07:07,110 --> 01:07:11,331
and I thought, "Well, I
came to you to figure out

1597
01:07:11,462 --> 01:07:12,811
how to break up
with my boyfriend,

1598
01:07:12,941 --> 01:07:14,639
and we achieved that goal,

1599
01:07:14,769 --> 01:07:15,901
- so, oh man."
- I have a therapist.

1600
01:07:16,032 --> 01:07:17,033
Yeah?

1601
01:07:17,163 --> 01:07:18,338
- You don't?
- I do,

1602
01:07:18,469 --> 01:07:19,992
I've gone for like
20 years, I think.

1603
01:07:20,123 --> 01:07:21,124
- Right, yeah.
- Since we've known

1604
01:07:21,254 --> 01:07:22,212
- each other.
- Yeah, 25.

1605
01:07:22,342 --> 01:07:23,430
Is it because of
our relationship?

1606
01:07:23,561 --> 01:07:24,388
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

1607
01:07:25,476 --> 01:07:28,131
20-some years, same person?

1608
01:07:28,261 --> 01:07:29,784
- Yeah, yeah, for real.
- Yeah,

1609
01:07:29,915 --> 01:07:32,352
yeah, that's wild to me.

1610
01:07:32,483 --> 01:07:33,745
I like it for other people.

1611
01:07:35,355 --> 01:07:36,487
But you don't like it for you?

1612
01:07:49,152 --> 01:07:50,066
I do think therapy's something

1613
01:07:50,196 --> 01:07:52,851
that you need to <i>want to do.</i>

1614
01:07:53,199 --> 01:07:54,418
Right, yeah.

1615
01:07:54,548 --> 01:07:56,507
But it is hard because,

1616
01:07:56,637 --> 01:08:01,468
and my mom's not on
medication right now

1617
01:08:01,599 --> 01:08:05,385
because she refuses to
go to the psychiatrist.

1618
01:08:05,516 --> 01:08:06,430
And I'm starting to think,

1619
01:08:06,560 --> 01:08:08,258
I'm like, I can't force her,

1620
01:08:08,388 --> 01:08:11,087
I'm not gonna put her in the car

1621
01:08:11,217 --> 01:08:13,306
while she's kicking
and screaming.

1622
01:08:13,437 --> 01:08:14,438
She doesn't leave the house,

1623
01:08:14,568 --> 01:08:15,874
she's scared of the world,

1624
01:08:16,004 --> 01:08:19,573
she hasn't bathed in 20 years.

1625
01:08:19,704 --> 01:08:20,922
She just stays home

1626
01:08:21,053 --> 01:08:22,272
and she's so scared
of the world.

1627
01:08:22,402 --> 01:08:26,711
And I wonder, sorry, you
asking made me realize,

1628
01:08:26,841 --> 01:08:27,886
maybe I don't see a therapist

1629
01:08:28,016 --> 01:08:29,844
because a part of me feels like

1630
01:08:29,975 --> 01:08:32,412
maybe I don't deserve it

1631
01:08:32,543 --> 01:08:34,806
when my mom needs so
much help right now.

1632
01:08:34,936 --> 01:08:36,024
And I'm always like, "Oh,

1633
01:08:36,155 --> 01:08:37,635
maybe we could get
you a therapist

1634
01:08:37,765 --> 01:08:40,464
to even talk out some of
the traumas, that you know,

1635
01:08:40,594 --> 01:08:42,466
the voices in your head."

1636
01:08:42,596 --> 01:08:44,685
Maybe I see a therapist and
I go, "Mom, look at me."

1637
01:08:44,816 --> 01:08:46,209
- Maybe.
- Yeah, honestly,

1638
01:08:46,339 --> 01:08:47,514
that is helpful.

1639
01:08:47,645 --> 01:08:48,950
Anytime I've had
a friend who I'm like,

1640
01:08:49,081 --> 01:08:50,952
"I think you should
probably see someone,"

1641
01:08:51,083 --> 01:08:52,737
I tell them about
how therapy helps me.

1642
01:08:57,655 --> 01:08:59,570
<i>And so she's not at all</i>

1643
01:08:59,700 --> 01:09:01,528
<i>able to function on her own?</i>

1644
01:09:01,920 --> 01:09:03,704
We're scared to let her,

1645
01:09:03,835 --> 01:09:05,402
but she has a daydream.

1646
01:09:05,532 --> 01:09:10,494
That's where she's able to
live outside of the confines,

1647
01:09:10,624 --> 01:09:12,583
the limitations
that life gave her.

1648
01:09:13,932 --> 01:09:15,934
I have dreams of getting
her a cat though.

1649
01:09:17,457 --> 01:09:18,980
You can make that come true.

1650
01:09:19,111 --> 01:09:20,895
But if she gets it
and she realizes...

1651
01:09:21,026 --> 01:09:22,375
- Oh.
- ..."This is too much,

1652
01:09:22,506 --> 01:09:24,072
I don't want it," you
can send it to our house.

1653
01:09:24,203 --> 01:09:24,943
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

1654
01:09:25,073 --> 01:09:26,292
That's a bold statement,

1655
01:09:26,423 --> 01:09:27,511
that's a bold promise.

1656
01:09:27,641 --> 01:09:28,686
Well, I have three cats.

1657
01:09:28,860 --> 01:09:30,035
- For sure.
- Why would a fourth?

1658
01:09:30,166 --> 01:09:32,342
What if this cat's evil?

1659
01:09:33,125 --> 01:09:34,344
- You deal with it.
- Okay, no,

1660
01:09:34,474 --> 01:09:35,562
I'll take you up on it.

1661
01:09:35,693 --> 01:09:37,085
- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah.

1662
01:09:37,216 --> 01:09:38,783
We ended on a promise.

1663
01:09:39,262 --> 01:09:40,567
Kitty promise.

1664
01:09:40,698 --> 01:09:41,742
Do you know Tig Notaro?

1665
01:09:44,223 --> 01:09:45,833
- That's my other mom.
- That's my other mom.

1666
01:10:01,980 --> 01:10:02,807
Rick?

1667
01:10:02,937 --> 01:10:03,938
I'm here, Tig.

1668
01:10:04,069 --> 01:10:05,331
<i>During my childhood,</i>

1669
01:10:05,462 --> 01:10:10,206
I was not terribly close
with my stepfather.

1670
01:10:10,336 --> 01:10:13,774
<i>He had told me that my career</i>

1671
01:10:13,905 --> 01:10:15,950
was a waste of my
time and energy,

1672
01:10:16,081 --> 01:10:17,735
because I think, in his mind,

1673
01:10:17,865 --> 01:10:20,825
it was like, "You go to
school, you go to college,"

1674
01:10:20,955 --> 01:10:22,566
you take all those steps

1675
01:10:22,696 --> 01:10:26,526
that I was not
at all taking.

1676
01:10:26,657 --> 01:10:31,836
And so it created
this deeper rift

1677
01:10:31,966 --> 01:10:33,359
between the two of us.

1678
01:10:37,711 --> 01:10:40,627
<i>When my mother died,</i>

1679
01:10:40,758 --> 01:10:42,150
<i>we were leaving my</i>
<i>mother's funeral.</i>

1680
01:10:42,281 --> 01:10:44,631
<i>He broke down and apologized.</i>

1681
01:10:46,154 --> 01:10:48,548
I couldn't believe that
I was seeing him cry.

1682
01:10:49,114 --> 01:10:50,202
And then he said this thing

1683
01:10:50,333 --> 01:10:52,900
that I still am blown away

1684
01:10:53,031 --> 01:10:54,946
that it came from him.

1685
01:10:55,294 --> 01:10:58,428
He said, "I realize now

1686
01:10:58,558 --> 01:11:03,041
it's not the child's
responsibility

1687
01:11:03,171 --> 01:11:06,610
to teach the parent
who they are,

1688
01:11:06,740 --> 01:11:08,829
it's the parent's responsibility

1689
01:11:08,960 --> 01:11:11,267
to learn who their child is."

1690
01:11:12,006 --> 01:11:14,444
And he said, "And I did
not do that with you,

1691
01:11:14,574 --> 01:11:16,184
and I'm so sorry."

1692
01:11:19,231 --> 01:11:22,278
<i>If I could tell my mother</i>
<i>that that happened,</i>

1693
01:11:22,408 --> 01:11:24,280
<i>I know that she</i>
<i>would've said...</i>

1694
01:11:25,585 --> 01:11:28,153
..."It doesn't matter
when it came,

1695
01:11:28,414 --> 01:11:32,766
it's just important
and good that it did come."

1696
01:11:35,595 --> 01:11:37,467
<i>We continued to</i>
<i>grow closer, and...</i>

1697
01:11:39,338 --> 01:11:42,167
...nothing that
had happened before

1698
01:11:42,298 --> 01:11:43,690
mattered anymore to me.

1699
01:11:49,435 --> 01:11:55,267
<i>And then, yeah,</i>
<i>March 28th of 2022,</i>

1700
01:11:55,398 --> 01:11:57,530
<i>Rick contracted C. Diff...</i>

1701
01:11:59,663 --> 01:12:03,754
<i>...the disease that had nearly</i>
<i>killed me 10 years before.</i>

1702
01:12:04,755 --> 01:12:06,104
And then 10 years to the day

1703
01:12:06,234 --> 01:12:08,324
after taking my mother
off life support,

1704
01:12:08,454 --> 01:12:11,501
I was taking him
off of life support.

1705
01:12:14,155 --> 01:12:18,725
We were all gathered
at his grave site.

1706
01:12:18,856 --> 01:12:22,773
There was the green
AstroTurf over the grave.

1707
01:12:22,903 --> 01:12:27,299
And my brother
got up and he fell

1708
01:12:27,430 --> 01:12:29,083
- into my stepfather's grave.
- Oh, wow.

1709
01:12:29,214 --> 01:12:30,911
- No.
- Oh.

1710
01:12:31,042 --> 01:12:32,478
- Wow.
- That's funny.

1711
01:12:32,609 --> 01:12:34,393
Yeah, and I --

1712
01:12:34,524 --> 01:12:37,614
Into the six-foot hole?

1713
01:12:37,744 --> 01:12:39,180
Yeah, he fell in.

1714
01:12:39,311 --> 01:12:41,182
They had forgotten
to put plywood

1715
01:12:41,313 --> 01:12:42,270
- under the green AstroTurf.
- What?

1716
01:12:42,401 --> 01:12:43,881
Oh, my God.

1717
01:12:44,011 --> 01:12:45,709
He was like,

1718
01:12:45,839 --> 01:12:47,972
but because there was
the green AstroTurf,

1719
01:12:48,102 --> 01:12:49,582
- it, like, slowly.
- It sloped him in.

1720
01:12:49,713 --> 01:12:51,976
- He was going.
- Oh, wow.

1721
01:12:52,106 --> 01:12:53,586
And I was truly,

1722
01:12:53,717 --> 01:12:55,458
I was
sitting there thinking,

1723
01:12:55,588 --> 01:12:57,068
"This must happen

1724
01:12:57,198 --> 01:13:00,376
all the time."

1725
01:13:00,506 --> 01:13:02,552
And then a second
later, I was like,

1726
01:13:02,682 --> 01:13:03,814
"No, this doesn't happen

1727
01:13:03,944 --> 01:13:05,555
all the time."

1728
01:13:05,685 --> 01:13:06,730
And then I was like,

1729
01:13:06,860 --> 01:13:07,948
"Oh, I have a new
show to write."

1730
01:13:10,124 --> 01:13:10,951
I love it when people

1731
01:13:11,082 --> 01:13:12,910
can make jokes like that

1732
01:13:13,040 --> 01:13:14,781
'cause it just makes
you feel, "Oh yeah,

1733
01:13:14,912 --> 01:13:16,000
we're all in this together

1734
01:13:16,130 --> 01:13:16,957
and there's funny
things about this

1735
01:13:17,088 --> 01:13:18,219
and sad things about this,

1736
01:13:18,350 --> 01:13:19,395
and we're all just
going through it."

1737
01:13:19,525 --> 01:13:22,006
A funeral
audience is really amped

1738
01:13:22,136 --> 01:13:24,530
- to laugh.
- For laughter.

1739
01:13:24,661 --> 01:13:26,140
- Yes, they are.
- My dad's funeral,

1740
01:13:26,271 --> 01:13:27,185
- I murdered.
- You crushed at

1741
01:13:27,315 --> 01:13:28,404
- your dad's funeral.
- I murdered

1742
01:13:28,534 --> 01:13:29,796
at my dad's too.

1743
01:13:29,927 --> 01:13:32,233
And then the rabbi tried
to do time after me.

1744
01:13:32,364 --> 01:13:33,757
- Oh, no.
- Oh.

1745
01:13:33,887 --> 01:13:34,888
Couldn't follow me.

1746
01:13:35,019 --> 01:13:35,715
- Yes.
- Of course.

1747
01:13:35,846 --> 01:13:37,369
Couldn't follow me.

1748
01:13:37,500 --> 01:13:38,370
I said, "Rabbi, you don't
go on after the headliner."

1749
01:13:40,851 --> 01:13:41,982
"The show is over."

1750
01:13:42,113 --> 01:13:44,158
My mom died when I was 16,

1751
01:13:44,289 --> 01:13:46,204
and then my dad
died when I was 21.

1752
01:13:48,511 --> 01:13:50,034
And I guess
the way I dealt with it

1753
01:13:50,164 --> 01:13:51,601
was through humor and stuff.

1754
01:13:51,731 --> 01:13:54,821
So when we were
spreading my dad's ashes,

1755
01:13:54,952 --> 01:13:56,344
we were fighting over
who was gonna do it.

1756
01:13:56,475 --> 01:13:57,955
And I snatched outta
my granny's hand,

1757
01:13:58,085 --> 01:13:59,391
I was like, "I'll
fucking do it."

1758
01:13:59,522 --> 01:14:00,784
And as I sprinkled them,

1759
01:14:00,914 --> 01:14:03,351
the wind picked up
and my mouth was open.

1760
01:14:03,482 --> 01:14:04,483
Oh.

1761
01:14:04,614 --> 01:14:05,528
- Oh, my God.
- You ate your --

1762
01:14:05,658 --> 01:14:06,746
I ate my daddy.

1763
01:14:07,704 --> 01:14:10,271
Oh, my gosh.

1764
01:14:10,402 --> 01:14:12,186
<i>I was never really</i>
<i>close with my dad,</i>

1765
01:14:12,317 --> 01:14:16,408
but we shared some really
fun times before he died.

1766
01:14:16,539 --> 01:14:18,236
He had sent me an e-mail

1767
01:14:18,366 --> 01:14:20,630
and was like, "They're looking
for a new lottery person

1768
01:14:20,760 --> 01:14:21,848
to call the numbers."

1769
01:14:21,979 --> 01:14:24,242
And he's like, "You
should do that,

1770
01:14:24,372 --> 01:14:25,461
that's a thing you
could do on camera."

1771
01:14:25,591 --> 01:14:26,853
And I was like, "Oh, my God."

1772
01:14:26,984 --> 01:14:28,420
He didn't call them auditions,

1773
01:14:28,551 --> 01:14:30,291
but he'd be like, "Are
you going to the tryouts?"

1774
01:14:30,422 --> 01:14:32,250
And I'd be like,
"Yeah, Dad,

1775
01:14:32,380 --> 01:14:33,425
I'm trying to do the tryouts."

1776
01:14:33,556 --> 01:14:35,296
And I told him about improv

1777
01:14:35,427 --> 01:14:37,995
and I was like, "Will you come
to the city and watch me?"

1778
01:14:38,125 --> 01:14:39,866
And my dad hated the city,

1779
01:14:39,997 --> 01:14:41,302
and he was like, "I will come."

1780
01:14:41,433 --> 01:14:43,217
And I was like, "Oh my
God, that's amazing,"

1781
01:14:43,348 --> 01:14:44,610
and then he died.

1782
01:14:48,527 --> 01:14:50,311
<i>The further I get from that,</i>

1783
01:14:50,442 --> 01:14:52,270
<i>I'm like, "Well, at</i>
<i>least I had that.</i>

1784
01:14:52,400 --> 01:14:53,880
At least I had a year or two

1785
01:14:54,011 --> 01:14:57,667
where he was like a cheerleader

1786
01:14:57,797 --> 01:14:59,277
and asking me about stuff."

1787
01:14:59,407 --> 01:15:03,020
So I guess I just
feel really lucky

1788
01:15:03,150 --> 01:15:04,500
that I had those years with him.

1789
01:15:10,549 --> 01:15:11,898
<i>The stuff I've been</i>

1790
01:15:12,029 --> 01:15:15,511
<i>through has certainly</i>
<i>been a heavy load.</i>

1791
01:15:17,556 --> 01:15:21,342
I felt cursed for a while,

1792
01:15:21,473 --> 01:15:23,301
even though I don't believe
in that type of thing.

1793
01:15:24,781 --> 01:15:28,219
It's hard and easy to say,

1794
01:15:28,349 --> 01:15:29,873
"I wouldn't change a thing."

1795
01:15:31,048 --> 01:15:32,528
And I reconcile that

1796
01:15:32,658 --> 01:15:36,532
by imagining showing
my mother my life.

1797
01:15:38,098 --> 01:15:41,449
If things hadn't happened
the way they did...

1798
01:15:41,580 --> 01:15:44,322
...I wouldn't have my
life with Stephanie

1799
01:15:44,452 --> 01:15:45,671
or with my children.

1800
01:15:47,891 --> 01:15:49,327
<i>You were saying before</i>

1801
01:15:49,457 --> 01:15:51,634
<i>that now that you were</i>
<i>married and have children,</i>

1802
01:15:51,764 --> 01:15:56,290
it affects the way that you
construct bits and stories.

1803
01:15:56,421 --> 01:15:57,988
- Mm-hmm.
- Do you think ultimately,

1804
01:15:58,118 --> 01:15:59,772
you land in a better place?

1805
01:16:00,860 --> 01:16:03,167
Or do you think it impairs
your jokes?

1806
01:16:04,472 --> 01:16:06,300
No, I think it's
in a better place

1807
01:16:06,431 --> 01:16:08,259
because of the bigger picture.

1808
01:16:08,389 --> 01:16:10,740
I mean, there's always
an editing process,

1809
01:16:10,870 --> 01:16:14,570
and it's like, what is your
motivation in your edit?

1810
01:16:16,093 --> 01:16:20,140
And sometimes now it's I
have other people in my life

1811
01:16:20,271 --> 01:16:21,620
that I have to think about.

1812
01:16:22,273 --> 01:16:23,796
<i>Do you talk about everything</i>

1813
01:16:23,927 --> 01:16:26,582
or is there stuff that you
choose <i>not</i>to talk about?

1814
01:16:26,712 --> 01:16:28,409
Tig and I were talking
about this backstage,

1815
01:16:28,540 --> 01:16:31,108
but some of it is,
wife and child,

1816
01:16:31,238 --> 01:16:33,153
you do consider like,

1817
01:16:33,284 --> 01:16:35,373
"Well, I don't wanna hurt
their feelings in this way,"

1818
01:16:35,503 --> 01:16:38,115
or that's their story as well.

1819
01:16:38,245 --> 01:16:39,769
So I wrote this joke about

1820
01:16:39,899 --> 01:16:42,989
how Jenny and I went to our
daughter's ballet recital,

1821
01:16:43,120 --> 01:16:45,296
and Jenny and I are
crying and crying

1822
01:16:45,426 --> 01:16:47,124
'cause she doesn't have it.

1823
01:16:48,952 --> 01:16:50,301
Well, 'cause I'm in
the business, I know.

1824
01:16:50,431 --> 01:16:52,129
You have a sense.

1825
01:16:52,259 --> 01:16:53,652
You're in the ballet business.

1826
01:16:53,783 --> 01:16:55,088
Yeah, yeah, exactly.

1827
01:16:55,219 --> 01:16:56,742
Oh, of course, no, I was
crying 'cause it was so good.

1828
01:16:56,873 --> 01:16:58,701
And then I'm hugging
Una afterwards,

1829
01:16:58,831 --> 01:17:00,616
and I go, "You were fantastic."

1830
01:17:00,746 --> 01:17:02,139
And she said, and this is true,

1831
01:17:02,269 --> 01:17:05,403
she goes, "Dad, you
would say I was fantastic

1832
01:17:05,533 --> 01:17:07,840
even if I wasn't fantastic."

1833
01:17:07,971 --> 01:17:11,409
And I had to say, "That's
a really good point,

1834
01:17:11,539 --> 01:17:14,194
and you're right."

1835
01:17:14,325 --> 01:17:16,544
I just did a matinee show,

1836
01:17:16,675 --> 01:17:18,590
my kid saw me perform
for the first time.

1837
01:17:18,721 --> 01:17:21,071
- Oh, wow.
- And it was really

1838
01:17:21,201 --> 01:17:23,943
interesting 'cause
I did not consider

1839
01:17:24,074 --> 01:17:27,164
that my son, Max, was
going to heckle me.

1840
01:17:27,294 --> 01:17:28,861
And so I'm --

1841
01:17:28,992 --> 01:17:30,254
Amazing.

1842
01:17:30,384 --> 01:17:32,691
I'm doing my show!

1843
01:17:33,170 --> 01:17:34,780
I'm doing my show,

1844
01:17:34,911 --> 01:17:37,391
and my son, Max,

1845
01:17:37,522 --> 01:17:40,177
he goes, "No, she didn't."

1846
01:17:41,482 --> 01:17:42,832
- Wow.
- Wow.

1847
01:17:44,529 --> 01:17:46,270
That's so good.

1848
01:17:46,400 --> 01:17:47,880
- Aw, that's incredible.
- And I was like,

1849
01:17:48,011 --> 01:17:48,751
"What?"

1850
01:17:48,881 --> 01:17:49,882
I was like that.

1851
01:17:50,013 --> 01:17:52,276
And he goes, "That's not true."

1852
01:17:53,451 --> 01:17:56,280
- Oh, wow!
- Amazing!

1853
01:17:58,978 --> 01:18:00,806
<i>When I met Stephanie,</i>

1854
01:18:00,937 --> 01:18:02,634
<i>she said that her big dream</i>

1855
01:18:02,765 --> 01:18:04,810
<i>was to live to be 100.</i>

1856
01:18:05,637 --> 01:18:09,510
And I thought, "Well,
that's insane."

1857
01:18:09,641 --> 01:18:11,164
<i>I always thought,</i>
<i>"I'll probably kick it</i>

1858
01:18:11,295 --> 01:18:14,298
<i>somewhere in the 60s, 70s,</i>

1859
01:18:14,428 --> 01:18:16,387
<i>and I've had a good run."</i>

1860
01:18:17,040 --> 01:18:21,914
But she said, "No,
I want us to die together."

1861
01:18:22,045 --> 01:18:24,700
And I was like, "Well, I'm
15 years older than you,

1862
01:18:24,830 --> 01:18:28,007
so that means I'd have
to live to be 115."

1863
01:18:28,312 --> 01:18:29,792
And she said, "You can do it."

1864
01:18:31,402 --> 01:18:33,665
<i>I think it's most important</i>

1865
01:18:33,796 --> 01:18:36,233
<i>to figure out what</i>
<i>your north star is.</i>

1866
01:18:36,363 --> 01:18:38,975
What's driving you
to do the thing,

1867
01:18:39,105 --> 01:18:40,628
whether it's stand-up

1868
01:18:40,759 --> 01:18:43,196
<i>or living to be 115,</i>

1869
01:18:43,327 --> 01:18:45,633
<i>you have to have that thing.</i>

1870
01:18:45,764 --> 01:18:48,811
Otherwise, none of
the other elements

1871
01:18:48,941 --> 01:18:50,160
are gonna fall into place.

1872
01:18:50,290 --> 01:18:54,120
<i>And that's what drew</i>
<i>me to changing my diet,</i>

1873
01:18:54,251 --> 01:18:57,080
meditation,
prioritizing my sleep,

1874
01:18:57,210 --> 01:18:58,646
all of those things.

1875
01:18:58,777 --> 01:19:01,519
But I think it's so crucial.

1876
01:19:04,478 --> 01:19:06,567
<i>I had appeared</i>
<i>multiple times</i>

1877
01:19:06,698 --> 01:19:09,614
<i>on every single</i>
<i>late-night TV show.</i>

1878
01:19:09,745 --> 01:19:11,137
Gary Gulman, everybody.

1879
01:19:11,268 --> 01:19:12,922
April 13th at
the Warner Theater.

1880
01:19:13,052 --> 01:19:15,098
<i>I had a lovely girlfriend,</i>

1881
01:19:15,228 --> 01:19:16,577
<i>who's now my wife.</i>

1882
01:19:18,492 --> 01:19:20,886
I had from the outside what
you would say, "This guy,"

1883
01:19:21,017 --> 01:19:23,323
I remember my friends,
when I opened up to them,

1884
01:19:23,454 --> 01:19:24,977
telling them how
depressed I was,

1885
01:19:25,108 --> 01:19:27,850
they would say, "I thought
you had everything together."

1886
01:19:30,417 --> 01:19:31,723
I kept thinking that my
first "Tonight Show,"

1887
01:19:31,854 --> 01:19:33,072
then I'll feel like...

1888
01:19:33,203 --> 01:19:34,030
Yeah, the you'll feel
like you made it.

1889
01:19:34,160 --> 01:19:35,335
...I can tell people, no.

1890
01:19:35,466 --> 01:19:36,510
Second "Tonight Show,"
third "Tonight Show"?

1891
01:19:36,641 --> 01:19:37,729
- Nope.
- First "Letterman,"

1892
01:19:37,860 --> 01:19:39,122
- second "Letterman," no.
- No, no.

1893
01:19:39,252 --> 01:19:40,471
It's good to have ambition,
but I think gratitude,

1894
01:19:40,601 --> 01:19:41,907
I have to check myself.

1895
01:19:42,038 --> 01:19:43,169
No, it's so true.

1896
01:19:43,300 --> 01:19:44,823
I mean, gratitude,

1897
01:19:44,954 --> 01:19:47,521
it's an antidote to
compare and despair.

1898
01:19:47,652 --> 01:19:48,784
- Oh, yeah.
- It's like, "Yeah,

1899
01:19:48,914 --> 01:19:49,741
I don't have that,
but I have this."

1900
01:19:49,872 --> 01:19:50,786
"But I have this."

1901
01:19:50,916 --> 01:19:51,874
Yeah, it's crazy.

1902
01:19:52,004 --> 01:19:53,266
We are so lucky.

1903
01:19:53,397 --> 01:19:55,138
I'm so grateful right now.

1904
01:19:55,268 --> 01:19:57,705
I'm happy that I'm me,
I'm happy you are you.

1905
01:19:57,836 --> 01:19:59,272
- Yeah.
- I'm happy we're here.

1906
01:19:59,403 --> 01:20:00,883
Me, too.

1907
01:20:01,274 --> 01:20:05,322
<i>Let's leave everyone here</i>
<i>with how to stay hopeful.</i>

1908
01:20:05,452 --> 01:20:07,454
How do we maintain our sanity?

1909
01:20:07,803 --> 01:20:09,500
Yeah, I write in my
journal all the time,

1910
01:20:09,630 --> 01:20:11,023
'cause I find that
if you write down

1911
01:20:11,154 --> 01:20:13,852
sort of what you're saddest
about or angriest about,

1912
01:20:13,983 --> 01:20:15,811
you can start to see
your own life as a story.

1913
01:20:15,941 --> 01:20:17,377
And sometimes you can zoom out

1914
01:20:17,508 --> 01:20:19,553
and encourage the main character
to make better decisions.

1915
01:20:19,684 --> 01:20:20,641
Hmm.

1916
01:20:20,772 --> 01:20:22,208
My first therapy session,

1917
01:20:22,339 --> 01:20:23,296
she was like,
"What's your goal?"

1918
01:20:23,427 --> 01:20:24,863
And I was like, "To fix me."

1919
01:20:24,994 --> 01:20:26,343
And she was like,
"Well, I can't fix you,

1920
01:20:26,473 --> 01:20:27,692
you're not broken.

1921
01:20:27,823 --> 01:20:29,215
I'm gonna give you tools

1922
01:20:29,346 --> 01:20:34,481
in order for you to
adjust your life to you."

1923
01:20:34,873 --> 01:20:38,050
So I lose my keys
almost every day,

1924
01:20:38,181 --> 01:20:39,878
so now my keys are five pounds.

1925
01:20:40,009 --> 01:20:42,185
There's
like 100 keys on them.

1926
01:20:42,315 --> 01:20:43,839
- Being kinder to yourself
- Yeah,

1927
01:20:43,969 --> 01:20:45,188
- and I forgive myself a lot.
- Oh, yeah.

1928
01:20:45,318 --> 01:20:48,626
Self-acceptance is enormous.

1929
01:20:48,756 --> 01:20:51,629
I see how I feel
now as a remission,

1930
01:20:51,759 --> 01:20:53,370
or I'm in recovery,

1931
01:20:53,500 --> 01:20:55,633
to use an AA term,

1932
01:20:55,763 --> 01:20:58,027
and I do all these things

1933
01:20:58,157 --> 01:21:01,508
to maintain --exercising,
eating right,

1934
01:21:01,639 --> 01:21:03,946
sleeping, my medicine,
my therapists.

1935
01:21:04,076 --> 01:21:05,599
Just dancing.

1936
01:21:05,730 --> 01:21:08,385
$22, dance class,
living my best life.

1937
01:21:08,515 --> 01:21:10,604
And there's people
there from all ages.

1938
01:21:10,735 --> 01:21:11,823
One of the women's like 70,

1939
01:21:11,954 --> 01:21:13,259
one of the girls
there's like 18,

1940
01:21:13,390 --> 01:21:14,521
and we have the best time.

1941
01:21:14,652 --> 01:21:15,914
And I always feel,

1942
01:21:16,045 --> 01:21:17,263
even if I haven't
got the routine down

1943
01:21:17,394 --> 01:21:18,351
or I forget the choreo,

1944
01:21:18,482 --> 01:21:19,657
I always leave

1945
01:21:19,787 --> 01:21:21,746
feeling so much
better that I went.

1946
01:21:21,877 --> 01:21:24,662
That or get yourself a mental
health designer handbag.

1947
01:21:24,792 --> 01:21:26,185
I do that.

1948
01:21:26,316 --> 01:21:28,535
I got myself a mental health

1949
01:21:28,666 --> 01:21:29,797
- Chanel bag.
- Girl, it helps.

1950
01:21:29,928 --> 01:21:31,060
Yeah, exactly.

1951
01:21:31,190 --> 01:21:32,191
The handbags.

1952
01:21:32,322 --> 01:21:34,280
Mental health, yes.

1953
01:21:36,543 --> 01:21:37,893
It's so hard for me to say

1954
01:21:38,023 --> 01:21:40,243
that other people
should find help

1955
01:21:40,373 --> 01:21:42,898
<i>because I don't seek it myself.</i>

1956
01:21:44,421 --> 01:21:49,165
<i>Yeah, in no way am</i>
<i>I perfect or there</i>

1957
01:21:49,295 --> 01:21:53,647
with looking out for my
mental health needs, yeah.

1958
01:21:53,778 --> 01:21:55,693
In fact, I'm just
starting to figure it out.

1959
01:21:56,999 --> 01:21:58,217
One thing that
was really helpful

1960
01:21:58,348 --> 01:21:59,871
was a quote from Mark Twain.

1961
01:22:00,002 --> 01:22:01,177
Me.

1962
01:22:02,656 --> 01:22:03,266
- Yeah, it's Mark Twain.
- Well.

1963
01:22:03,396 --> 01:22:04,571
From Oprah...

1964
01:22:04,702 --> 01:22:05,746
- From Oprah.
- ...from Maya Angelou.

1965
01:22:05,877 --> 01:22:07,313
That my therapist famously said.

1966
01:22:07,444 --> 01:22:08,967
I prefer Samuel Clemens.

1967
01:22:09,098 --> 01:22:10,316
Samuel Langhorne Clemens.

1968
01:22:10,447 --> 01:22:11,535
- Yes.
- Yes.

1969
01:22:11,665 --> 01:22:12,710
What was his quote?

1970
01:22:12,840 --> 01:22:14,233
"If you wanna cheer yourself up,

1971
01:22:14,364 --> 01:22:15,539
cheer somebody else up."

1972
01:22:15,669 --> 01:22:17,497
- Yes, yes.
- Oh, I love that.

1973
01:22:17,628 --> 01:22:20,413
And Kurt Vonnegut's
son, Dr. Mark Vonnegut,

1974
01:22:20,544 --> 01:22:21,327
has this great thing,

1975
01:22:21,458 --> 01:22:22,894
he says, "The meaning of life

1976
01:22:23,025 --> 01:22:25,462
is to help each
other through this,

1977
01:22:25,592 --> 01:22:26,680
whatever it is."

1978
01:22:26,811 --> 01:22:28,552
- Mm.
- Yeah.

1979
01:22:28,682 --> 01:22:29,727
- Well said.
- I don't have

1980
01:22:29,857 --> 01:22:31,555
a single original
thought, by the way.

1981
01:22:31,685 --> 01:22:32,730
Yeah, no, all of this.

1982
01:22:32,860 --> 01:22:33,949
This is what I'm learning

1983
01:22:34,079 --> 01:22:35,733
about you, I love it.

1984
01:22:35,863 --> 01:22:37,909
But at least I
cite my references,

1985
01:22:38,040 --> 01:22:39,389
which is ethical.

1986
01:22:39,519 --> 01:22:41,434
No, of course, of course.

1987
01:22:41,565 --> 01:22:43,915
Well, and as Ram Dass said...

1988
01:22:45,873 --> 01:22:48,964
..."Regardless of where
anybody is in life,

1989
01:22:49,094 --> 01:22:50,922
we're all walking
each other home."

1990
01:22:51,053 --> 01:22:52,837
- Wow.
- And I love that

1991
01:22:52,968 --> 01:22:55,144
- so, so much.
- Oh.

1992
01:22:55,274 --> 01:22:57,624
And it ties into taking
care of each other.

1993
01:22:57,755 --> 01:22:59,104
There's another
quote that was like,

1994
01:22:59,235 --> 01:23:00,932
have you ever heard, "The
glass is already broken?"

1995
01:23:01,063 --> 01:23:02,194
- Who said that one?
- Oh, God.

1996
01:23:02,325 --> 01:23:03,282
Yeah, who?

1997
01:23:03,413 --> 01:23:04,544
- It's Oprah.
- Mark Twain.

1998
01:23:07,286 --> 01:23:09,593
"Walk other people home."

1999
01:23:09,723 --> 01:23:11,377
I'm trying to summarize.

2000
01:23:11,508 --> 01:23:12,552
Let's summarize.

2001
01:23:12,683 --> 01:23:14,293
- In summary.
- Treat yourself,

2002
01:23:14,424 --> 01:23:16,774
walk other people
home, share yourselves.

2003
01:23:16,904 --> 01:23:17,731
- Go to the circus.
- Share --

2004
01:23:17,862 --> 01:23:19,168
Misquote Oprah.

2005
01:23:19,298 --> 01:23:20,952
Misquote Oprah,

2006
01:23:21,083 --> 01:23:23,172
and you're not alone.

2007
01:23:23,302 --> 01:23:25,217
- Yes.
- Did I do good?

2008
01:23:25,348 --> 01:23:26,784
- Yes, you did.
- That was perfect.

2009
01:23:28,612 --> 01:23:29,526
Thank you guys for being here.

2010
01:23:29,656 --> 01:23:30,701
Yay.

2011
01:23:30,831 --> 01:23:32,007
Thank you, Neil.

2012
01:23:32,137 --> 01:23:34,183
Atsuko Okatsuka,

2013
01:23:34,313 --> 01:23:36,011
Nicole Byer,

2014
01:23:36,141 --> 01:23:37,621
Tig Notaro.

2015
01:23:39,492 --> 01:23:41,103
London Hughes,

2016
01:23:41,233 --> 01:23:42,539
Gary Gulman,

2017
01:23:42,669 --> 01:23:44,628
Mike Birbiglia,

2018
01:23:44,758 --> 01:23:46,673
and I'm Neil Patrick Harris.

2019
01:23:46,804 --> 01:23:50,199
Good night.

2020
01:23:52,114 --> 01:23:53,245
- Group hug.
- Group hug,

2021
01:23:53,376 --> 01:23:54,855
group therapy hug.

2022
01:23:58,468 --> 01:24:00,687
Bye, thank you.

2023
01:24:00,818 --> 01:24:03,255
Bye.

2024
01:24:03,386 --> 01:24:04,691
Yeah, let's do it.

2025
01:24:08,739 --> 01:24:10,262
<i>I have very little wisdom.</i>

2026
01:24:10,393 --> 01:24:12,177
<i>All I would say is,</i>

2027
01:24:12,308 --> 01:24:13,396
<i>whatever you're feeling,</i>

2028
01:24:13,526 --> 01:24:15,833
<i>you're most likely not alone.</i>

2029
01:24:21,491 --> 01:24:23,232
Most likely is allowing
for pedophilia,

2030
01:24:23,362 --> 01:24:24,668
just in case anyone
was wondering.

2031
01:24:26,887 --> 01:24:28,237
I don't want people
to feel carte blanche,

2032
01:24:28,367 --> 01:24:29,499
like, "Yeah, fuck it,

2033
01:24:29,629 --> 01:24:31,805
everybody feeling that, so."

2034
01:24:31,936 --> 01:24:34,112
I want people to feel
some sense of shame...

2035
01:24:35,766 --> 01:24:37,855
<i>...if they're evil.</i>

2036
01:24:43,469 --> 01:24:46,733
<i>Some days it's hard</i>
<i>to get out of bed.</i>

2037
01:24:46,864 --> 01:24:48,518
<i>And people say, "Why is it</i>
<i>hard to get out of bed?"</i>

2038
01:24:48,648 --> 01:24:50,302
<i>And I think I know why,</i>

2039
01:24:50,433 --> 01:24:51,738
<i>this is my theory.</i>

2040
01:24:53,218 --> 01:24:55,264
<i>The thing they don't</i>
<i>tell you about life</i>

2041
01:24:55,394 --> 01:24:56,439
<i>- when you're growing up...</i>
- Bye-bye.

2042
01:24:59,529 --> 01:25:02,140
<i>...is this --life, mm...</i>

2043
01:25:06,579 --> 01:25:08,842
...it's every single day.