1
00:00:09,259 --> 00:00:11,218
这里的枕头舒服极了

2
00:00:11,219 --> 00:00:12,970
我知道 我查过了

3
00:00:12,971 --> 00:00:16,181
枕芯是记忆棉加超细纤维

4
00:00:16,182 --> 00:00:17,599
那些枕头吗?

5
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:21,186
没错 我也很喜欢 我睡得特别香

6
00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:22,646
对 我睡得特别好

7
00:00:22,647 --> 00:00:24,065
我睡得像个同志

8
00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:29,112
我想我今晚会吃干酪鸡

9
00:00:29,904 --> 00:00:31,906
不好意思 巴里 刚才你说什么?

10
00:00:32,490 --> 00:00:34,409
干酪鸡 帕尔马干酪鸡

11
00:00:35,410 --> 00:00:36,995
对 是意大利菜

12
00:00:37,579 --> 00:00:39,329
你说你睡得像个什么?

13
00:00:39,330 --> 00:00:40,414
像个同志

14
00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:42,042
对 就是一种表达方式

15
00:00:43,084 --> 00:00:44,668
不 不是的

16
00:00:44,669 --> 00:00:45,837
而且会冒犯别人

17
00:00:46,921 --> 00:00:48,380
就是一种说法

18
00:00:48,381 --> 00:00:52,551
你懂的 就像“一个巴掌拍不响”
或者“瓢泼大雨”

19
00:00:52,552 --> 00:00:54,678
“他跑起来像只兔子”
形容他跑得很快

20
00:00:54,679 --> 00:00:56,054
这些叫做俗语

21
00:00:56,055 --> 00:00:58,641
你刚才说的不是俗语

22
00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:00,185
就是俗语

23
00:01:03,438 --> 00:01:05,981
知道吗?有一次我表哥去玩滑翔伞

24
00:01:05,982 --> 00:01:09,819
他说如果在空中想尿尿 尿就是了

25
00:01:10,403 --> 00:01:12,654
他们不在乎 因为你下不来

26
00:01:12,655 --> 00:01:15,491
会造出一条颜色奇怪的彩虹
不过你自己看不到

27
00:01:15,492 --> 00:01:17,826
好了 各位 我们开始吧

28
00:01:17,827 --> 00:01:19,244
我们将在这里度过一个

29
00:01:19,245 --> 00:01:21,246
收获满满且趣味无穷的周末

30
00:01:21,247 --> 00:01:24,458
我请了一位近景魔术师
是我在飞机上认识的

31
00:01:24,459 --> 00:01:26,794
他的表演会让大家叹为观止

32
00:01:26,795 --> 00:01:28,337
不过在开始之前

33
00:01:28,338 --> 00:01:32,675
很遗憾
我要宣布一个令人不安的消息

34
00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:35,261
巴里

35
00:01:36,221 --> 00:01:38,680
我也不想当着所有人的面这样做

36
00:01:38,681 --> 00:01:41,935
但我注意到 你说了一些非常不妥

37
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:44,770
而且极具冒犯性的话

38
00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:46,689
我们只能请你走人

39
00:01:47,982 --> 00:01:49,567
什么?什么情况?

40
00:01:50,693 --> 00:01:52,195
他说他睡得像个同志

41
00:01:52,737 --> 00:01:54,988
- 同志?
- 对 我睡得像个同志

42
00:01:54,989 --> 00:01:57,407
- 巴里!
- 抱歉 同性恋

43
00:01:57,408 --> 00:02:00,994
就事实而言 我说得没错啊

44
00:02:00,995 --> 00:02:03,705
- 是真的
- 巴里 你不能说这种话

45
00:02:03,706 --> 00:02:08,128
但这是真的 我当时很累
我就像那样睡了一觉

46
00:02:09,212 --> 00:02:11,798
但是这句话毫无逻辑

47
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:15,635
好吧 你想想看

48
00:02:16,302 --> 00:02:19,305
这是很累人的

49
00:02:20,056 --> 00:02:22,934
狂插别人肛门或者被人插

50
00:02:23,518 --> 00:02:25,978
这比阴道性爱辛苦多了

51
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:27,646
- 巴里...
- 是真的!

52
00:02:27,647 --> 00:02:29,273
毫无疑问

53
00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:30,524
想想看!

54
00:02:30,525 --> 00:02:33,861
你被人插肛门 插得很深 很用力

55
00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:37,281
当你的伴侣准备拔出来时
可能会很疼

56
00:02:37,282 --> 00:02:39,784
所以你会越来越紧张

57
00:02:40,451 --> 00:02:45,248
然后对方拔出来之后 那种松弛感

58
00:02:46,291 --> 00:02:51,295
紧张情绪瞬间消散
这会让你疲惫不堪 伙计

59
00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:54,007
让人筋疲力尽 我就是这个意思

60
00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:58,052
昨晚我睡得很好很香

61
00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:00,722
像个同志似的

62
00:03:02,390 --> 00:03:03,474
巴里...

63
00:03:04,183 --> 00:03:05,602
回家去吧

64
00:03:14,986 --> 00:03:15,987
等一下

65
00:03:18,948 --> 00:03:20,658
我不能让你开除他 戴夫

66
00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:22,160
为什么?

67
00:03:23,786 --> 00:03:24,787
因为他说得对

68
00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:28,666
你怎么知道 菲尔?

69
00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:30,877
因为我就是同志

70
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:34,421
- 不是吧!
- 我就是

71
00:03:34,422 --> 00:03:36,841
巴里说的全都是真的

72
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:40,302
难怪你对我们不感兴趣

73
00:03:40,303 --> 00:03:43,973
那是因为你的性格问题 玛丽
不过没错 我是同志

74
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:48,311
他对于肛交的描述
是他编出来的吧?

75
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:51,313
不 布奇 是真的

76
00:03:51,314 --> 00:03:52,481
我去

77
00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:54,108
很累人的

78
00:03:54,776 --> 00:03:55,943
相信我

79
00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:58,196
事后你确实会睡得更香

80
00:04:00,114 --> 00:04:02,199
我就曾经因此没去上班

81
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:05,244
上周你没生病

82
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:06,621
没有 我去参加共和党大会了

83
00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,581
我就不觉得肛交累人

84
00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:10,540
是男同肛交吗?

85
00:04:10,541 --> 00:04:11,583
不是

86
00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:12,752
那不就得了

87
00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:18,423
菲尔点出了问题的要害 对吧?

88
00:04:18,424 --> 00:04:20,802
我是说 刚才我确实不知道
他说的是真的

89
00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:22,387
是真的

90
00:04:23,346 --> 00:04:26,391
事实上 这是我听过的
最真实的描述了

91
00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:38,319
看来我今天太过武断了

92
00:04:39,570 --> 00:04:41,822
不过我们今天都有所收获

93
00:04:41,823 --> 00:04:43,992
这就是团建活动的意义所在 对吧?

94
00:04:44,909 --> 00:04:45,785
巴里

95
00:04:46,703 --> 00:04:49,038
请你坐回去吧

96
00:04:53,418 --> 00:04:54,419
好

97
00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:58,088
对不起 巴里 我错了

98
00:04:58,089 --> 00:04:59,256
没关系

99
00:04:59,257 --> 00:05:02,302
祝大家今晚
都能像个同志似的睡个好觉

100
00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:04,386
- 对
- 他懂!

101
00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:05,305
没错!

102
00:05:05,930 --> 00:05:06,805
我懂

103
00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:08,182
没错!

104
00:05:08,808 --> 00:05:10,475
我很高兴这场风波过去了

105
00:05:10,476 --> 00:05:11,978
我得像犹太人一样去拉屎了

106
00:05:12,895 --> 00:05:14,897
你是个大烂人

107
00:05:17,108 --> 00:05:18,442
《思想很危险》

108
00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:20,861
集名:健康

109
00:05:20,862 --> 00:05:24,865
健康 养生之道非止一端

110
00:05:24,866 --> 00:05:26,117
有的人注重饮食健康

111
00:05:27,368 --> 00:05:28,703
有的人练瑜伽

112
00:05:29,620 --> 00:05:32,664
而对于有的人来说
保持身心健康的唯一方法

113
00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:36,752
就是让数百万粉丝笑个不停

114
00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:39,964
而且心里知道 一切都可能转瞬即逝

115
00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:47,472
汤姆?

116
00:05:48,389 --> 00:05:49,474
汤姆?

117
00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:53,895
- 天哪
- 他有枪?

118
00:05:54,395 --> 00:05:55,521
他有枪!

119
00:05:57,774 --> 00:05:59,608
- 老天爷
- 等等

120
00:05:59,609 --> 00:06:00,734
不要!

121
00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:02,570
- 汤姆
- 把枪放下

122
00:06:04,322 --> 00:06:05,573
汤姆 不要!

123
00:06:09,744 --> 00:06:10,620
喂?

124
00:06:12,246 --> 00:06:13,247
我的节目续约了

125
00:06:15,124 --> 00:06:17,751
我们的养生之道各不相同

126
00:06:17,752 --> 00:06:21,839
有的人拥有别人梦寐以求的天赋异禀

127
00:06:22,757 --> 00:06:24,258
可是如果我们能拥有一切呢?

128
00:06:27,303 --> 00:06:29,805
心肌可能会变得过度肥厚

129
00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:32,140
肥厚性心肌症

130
00:06:32,141 --> 00:06:35,435
可能导致一些非常严重的并发症

131
00:06:35,436 --> 00:06:37,479
例如心房纤颤 也就是...

132
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:38,563
(肥厚性心肌症)

133
00:06:38,564 --> 00:06:40,732
- 今天就踏上健身之旅
- 等等

134
00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:42,193
(踏上健身之旅)

135
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,446
我打算去健身房健身

136
00:06:46,447 --> 00:06:47,698
让我们看看你的腹肌

137
00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:52,912
下课 谢谢大家
祝大家拥有愉快的一周

138
00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:55,456
光是健身还不够

139
00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:57,834
好的 多谢了

140
00:07:07,301 --> 00:07:10,221
天亮时 浴缸里有15个人

141
00:07:10,847 --> 00:07:12,974
总之...嗨 需要帮忙吗?

142
00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:14,892
就是这家健身房?

143
00:07:17,353 --> 00:07:20,647
抱歉 我在网站上填过表格

144
00:07:20,648 --> 00:07:21,731
霍尔先生?

145
00:07:21,732 --> 00:07:24,025
- 是我
- 我定了3点15分带你熟悉环境

146
00:07:24,026 --> 00:07:25,694
这是我们的会员手册

147
00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:29,030
上面有我们的规章制度
你最好看一遍

148
00:07:29,031 --> 00:07:31,366
- 好吗?
- 好的 我只是...

149
00:07:31,367 --> 00:07:33,910
总能找到理由不去健身

150
00:07:33,911 --> 00:07:35,704
今天不会的 朋友

151
00:07:35,705 --> 00:07:37,873
在这上面签个字

152
00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:40,333
承诺坚持一年 不过不要当作

153
00:07:40,334 --> 00:07:43,211
这是对健身房的承诺
当作是对自己的承诺

154
00:07:43,212 --> 00:07:44,630
懂我的意思吗?

155
00:07:51,179 --> 00:07:52,054
老兄

156
00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:55,224
你还好吧?

157
00:07:56,392 --> 00:07:58,144
嗯 是的

158
00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:01,229
好了 欢迎加入

159
00:08:01,230 --> 00:08:03,232
这是健身前的饮料

160
00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:05,693
不用了

161
00:08:06,277 --> 00:08:07,320
喝了它

162
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:10,781
端起来喝掉

163
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:15,494
好

164
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:16,996
第一天做新的自己

165
00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:22,043
我们有划船机、跑步机、健身单车

166
00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:23,877
再来一个 爱德华多

167
00:08:23,878 --> 00:08:25,253
跟你闹着玩的 伙计

168
00:08:25,254 --> 00:08:26,839
我们新添了单杠

169
00:08:27,423 --> 00:08:29,382
对 挺直了 伙计 继续

170
00:08:29,383 --> 00:08:31,384
这是更衣室

171
00:08:31,385 --> 00:08:33,303
空的储物柜都可以用

172
00:08:33,304 --> 00:08:34,304
好的 不错

173
00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:35,889
你是怎么知道我们的?

174
00:08:35,890 --> 00:08:38,308
我在Reddit上看到一个帖子...

175
00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:40,102
- 你好
- 很高兴见到你

176
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:43,814
大家在...

177
00:08:46,150 --> 00:08:47,359
热烈讨论这家健身房

178
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,110
对 我们的粉丝 他们热情洋溢

179
00:08:49,111 --> 00:08:50,696
对 那个...

180
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:52,864
对 他是个好人

181
00:08:52,865 --> 00:08:54,115
淋浴间在那边

182
00:08:54,116 --> 00:08:56,701
如果有什么问题 我在前台
你会喜欢这里的

183
00:08:56,702 --> 00:08:57,953
让我们硬核起来

184
00:08:57,954 --> 00:08:58,955
好的

185
00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:38,995
来 我帮你 兄弟

186
00:09:40,121 --> 00:09:41,831
老兄 搞什么?

187
00:09:43,207 --> 00:09:44,291
我没事

188
00:09:44,292 --> 00:09:45,709
我只是想帮忙

189
00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:47,544
这种帮忙方式太诡异了

190
00:09:47,545 --> 00:09:48,838
- 诡异?
- 是的

191
00:09:49,505 --> 00:09:51,381
- 你不觉得诡异吗?
- 抱歉

192
00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:52,800
一切还好吧 老兄?

193
00:09:54,468 --> 00:09:55,469
你知道...

194
00:09:56,387 --> 00:09:58,806
我觉得这里不适合我 好吗?

195
00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:05,229
你们继续...忙你们的吧

196
00:10:16,782 --> 00:10:17,950
什么鬼?

197
00:10:20,202 --> 00:10:21,370
锤子不错!

198
00:10:21,954 --> 00:10:23,247
- 谢谢
- 第一天来?

199
00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:25,582
- 是的
- 是啊

200
00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:27,251
第一天最疯狂了

201
00:10:28,961 --> 00:10:29,919
怎么会?

202
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:33,591
要么你爸是种马
要么你吃了什么东西

203
00:10:34,925 --> 00:10:36,052
那杯饮料

204
00:10:37,345 --> 00:10:38,511
- 是什么东西?
- 是啊

205
00:10:38,512 --> 00:10:39,679
不知道

206
00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:40,973
{\an8}但它确实有这种效果

207
00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:51,067
伙计!欢迎回来

208
00:11:02,119 --> 00:11:03,496
你好 大佬

209
00:11:18,469 --> 00:11:20,054
天哪!

210
00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:21,764
好兄弟

211
00:11:24,558 --> 00:11:27,561
用伟大的乔纳斯·索尔克的话来说

212
00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:33,401
“对工作出色的奖励
就是有机会做更多工作”

213
00:11:36,278 --> 00:11:38,071
对!

214
00:11:38,072 --> 00:11:39,448
很好!

215
00:11:41,492 --> 00:11:43,619
你让我爽翻了

216
00:11:55,464 --> 00:11:56,924
太棒了!

217
00:11:58,426 --> 00:11:59,552
{\an8}停

218
00:12:00,094 --> 00:12:01,469
{\an8}怎么了?

219
00:12:01,470 --> 00:12:03,680
{\an8}看来我是眼大逼小

220
00:12:03,681 --> 00:12:06,641
你的巨屌快把我撑爆了

221
00:12:06,642 --> 00:12:07,726
免了吧

222
00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:28,204
在我多年的教学生涯中

223
00:12:28,205 --> 00:12:32,375
我从未遇到过如此平庸的一班学生...

224
00:12:32,376 --> 00:12:36,212
你们毕业后不会做医生 懂吗?

225
00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:38,465
- 你们毕业后将会...
- 走吧

226
00:12:38,466 --> 00:12:42,094
等等 我在上课 他们是我的学生

227
00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:47,141
嘿 你好啊 大佬

228
00:13:36,774 --> 00:13:38,150
嘿 你好啊 伙计

229
00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:41,736
看看这个鬼东西

230
00:13:41,737 --> 00:13:43,447
大过头了?

231
00:13:45,282 --> 00:13:46,325
我认为是的

232
00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:48,452
是你自己不停地喝饮料的

233
00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:50,663
我以为那是应该要喝的

234
00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:53,164
- 你看过手册吗?
- 手册?

235
00:13:53,165 --> 00:13:55,876
对 新人手册
里面解释了可能会发生的事

236
00:13:56,544 --> 00:14:00,296
难道你不觉得 这种东西
只是写在手册里是不够的吗?

237
00:14:00,297 --> 00:14:01,881
我们有办法解决

238
00:14:01,882 --> 00:14:03,801
好吗?冷静

239
00:14:05,636 --> 00:14:07,428
你去走廊的后面

240
00:14:07,429 --> 00:14:09,264
有一道门写着“员工专用”

241
00:14:09,265 --> 00:14:11,475
好吗?他们能够帮你

242
00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:14,812
祝你好运

243
00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:48,304
前台说你能解决这个问题

244
00:14:56,562 --> 00:14:57,688
很好笑

245
00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:00,357
待会儿你笑不出来的

246
00:15:01,191 --> 00:15:02,734
你想让我剁掉我的鸡巴?

247
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:05,154
不 是你想剁掉你的鸡巴

248
00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:07,780
我在为你提供工具

249
00:15:07,781 --> 00:15:09,325
这算哪门子解决办法?

250
00:15:10,326 --> 00:15:12,161
你喝了多少杯饮料?

251
00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:16,415
- 二十杯吧
- 我去!

252
00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:21,085
为了让自己的小鸟变大
你喝了二十杯

253
00:15:21,086 --> 00:15:23,213
现在大过头了 你想把它解决掉

254
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,507
你认为应该怎么做呢?

255
00:15:26,050 --> 00:15:29,218
剁掉以后 看起来正常吗?

256
00:15:29,219 --> 00:15:32,221
正常才怪!看起来就像鸡巴被剁掉了

257
00:15:32,222 --> 00:15:33,640
那我不干

258
00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:34,934
好吧

259
00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:40,689
等一下

260
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:42,775
其他人剁过吗?

261
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:51,075
好多鸡巴

262
00:15:58,248 --> 00:15:59,208
动手吧 伙计

263
00:16:11,303 --> 00:16:12,388
赶快动手

264
00:16:15,182 --> 00:16:16,641
动手啊 快点

265
00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:18,268
还等什么?

266
00:16:18,852 --> 00:16:20,229
剁掉它!

267
00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:39,206
...找到理由不去健身

268
00:16:39,748 --> 00:16:42,251
...总能找到理由不去健身

269
00:16:47,715 --> 00:16:48,590
老兄

270
00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:52,761
你还好吧?

271
00:16:55,222 --> 00:16:56,765
好得不得了 伙计!

272
00:16:57,808 --> 00:16:59,059
好的

273
00:17:02,896 --> 00:17:04,023
你口渴了

274
00:17:04,732 --> 00:17:06,483
赶紧开始吧

275
00:17:28,505 --> 00:17:33,510
字幕翻译:刘波