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Downloaded from
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[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen
please put your hands together
for Myka Fox!
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[CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
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Hello!
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Hello.
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Yes! Thank you so much.
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Thank you!
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Oh, that felt so nice, you guys.
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I live in a bad neighborhood
in Brooklyn.
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Anybody else poor
or pretending to be?
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- [SCATTERED CLAPPING]
- Yeah? Cool. Awesome.
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It's so hard to get
an apartment in New York.
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I swear to God, I had to do
an interview with the landlord.
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It was like... It was like
a date without cocktails.
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It was horrendous.
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At one point, he goes like,
"Are you Jewish?"
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And I'm like, "Oh, my God."
Like, "I think I could sue you
for asking me that."
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He's like, "Wonderful.
You're Jewish."
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[CROWD LAUGHS]
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It's, um... I am Jewish.
I, uh...
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It goes against everything in me
to admit that in public.
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It goes against all my training.
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I'm not supposed to do that.
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When I was a kid, my mom
used to tuck me into bed
at night, being like,
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"Good Night. The Holocaust
could happen again."
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I'm like, "Jesus Christ!
Fucking crazy bitch!"
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[CROWD LAUGHS]
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But now, like, it kind of
looks like it might, you know?
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00:01:24,668 --> 00:01:26,837
Like, anti-Semitism
is on the rise.
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You know, like Kanye,
Kyrie, my boyfriend...
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all hate me, you know?
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I, uh...
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It's a bad neighborhood.
I, uh...
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There's homeless people
in the neighborhood.
It's so sad, you know?
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But you try to make
the best of it.
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So, like, now, when I take
my trash out, I put
colored tissue paper in it.
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So, that way, when they
go through it, it looks like
they're opening a present.
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[CROWD LAUGHS]
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Um, they were mad at me.
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Well, there's a lot
of drug addicts
in my neighborhood, too.
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00:02:00,746 --> 00:02:03,582
And, you know, they always
come up to you. They, like,
jump out from everywhere.
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People are like,
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00:02:05,417 --> 00:02:07,794
"You should carry
pepper spray." You know?
"Be safe. Carry pepper spray."
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I'm like, "Have you met
a crackhead?" Like...
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They... They've built
a tolerance.
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[CROWD LAUGHS]
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They're not getting taken down
by pepper spray.
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But what I have seen...
Like, they don't even sit down
to sleep.
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[CROWD LAUGHS]
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But I have started
carrying Narcan.
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That's the move, right?
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If any crackhead comes up to me,
you know, like, being like,
"Hey, lady, what's up?"
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I'm just like...
[MIMICS SPRAYING]
"Now you're sober."
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[CROWD LAUGHS]
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"Bet you didn't want that."
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They just, like, look at me
up and down like,
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"Umm, you know what?
Never mind. My mistake, miss.
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I thought
you were someone else."
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You know, I think
I might be lonely.
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[CROWD LAUGHS]
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Thank you.
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The other day, I was walking
through the park and I tried
to pet a bird.
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I don't know.
I don't know what I thought.
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Like, I'm Snow White, you know?
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And like, I don't know,
it was just like, "Oh,
this is soft and warm."
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You know, and it flew away,
like everything in my life.
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[CROWD LAUGHS]
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And I'm like, "Oh, shit!"
Like, "Who saw that?"
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You know? Like,
"What, like, hipster
TikTok piece of shit
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just saw that,
TikTok-ed it with some caption.
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'Girl gets rejected by bird.'"
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And now I'm famous for that.
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And so I'm looking around,
and I find...
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The only person who saw it
was a homeless person.
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I'm like, "Yes. They do not have
a big social reach."
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And he caught my eye
because he was, like,
a heavier homeless person,
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which I'll never understand
how that happens. But...
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He's sitting on a bench.
He was a heavier homeless guy,
and he was sitting like this,
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and he was shaking his legs
like this.
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And because he was, like,
a heavier man,
he had this extra leg meat
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that was swinging pendulously
underneath his legs,
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and it would smack together.
So much so that it made
a smacking noise.
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It was just like,
smack, smack, smack.
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And I am getting into it.
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You know? It was hypnotizing!
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What could I do, right?
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00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:14,254
So I'm, like, watching his,
like, legs undulate.
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And it takes me a minute
to realize what was happening,
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which was, he was smacking
his leg meat against his junk
to get himself off.
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[CROWD EXCLAIMS]
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I know. I was there.
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And in that moment, he and I,
like, locked eyes.
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And he reached out for me.
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And I was like,
"Yeah, still got it!"
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"Fuck you, bird!
At least this guy wants me."
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You guys, you know,
I'm really excited
about Al Pacino's baby.
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Robert De Niro's baby.
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You guys fucking stoked
for those old people's babies?
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Those fucking
octogenarians, yes!
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80 years old, 90 years old,
just jizzing
in some random lady.
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00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:06,348
We don't know who it is.
Just fucking dropping
dusty old cum in those ladies.
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Fucking who knows?
And who is it? It could be you.
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It could be. Was it you?
Who's letting these people...
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I love it. Oh, my...
Yeah, keep doing it. Keep...
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Alec Baldwin, keep pumping jizz
in that fake Hispanic lady.
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- Just...
- [CROWD LAUGHS]
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We need more people
for popstars to fuck.
Keep procreating.
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That's good jizz. We need...
I mean, who cares
if you're miles old?
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I think
being an octogenarian dad
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is the nicest thing
you could do as a father.
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Truly the nicest thing
that you could do.
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You have your kid.
Maybe you live to see it
graduate high school. Maybe.
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[CROWD LAUGHS]
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Then you die,
leave 'em your inheritance.
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Beautiful! [MIMICS KISS]
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Perfect. We don't need you
after high school.
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My dad's still alive.
There isn't a single thing
he's said
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that's more valuable
than a house down payment.
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[CROWD LAUGHS]
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Just die already.
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[CROWD LAUGHS]
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Instead, I have to watch him
get all old and weird.
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00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:10,412
He's on his third roommate.
What is that?
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Why do you have
so many roommates?
It's not for money.
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He's just lonely and weird,
you know?
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He was living with this guy
named Dan.
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Dan was this opinionated weirdo.
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He died in our guest bedroom.
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He died in there. Anyone...
Anyone wanna guess from what?
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Alcoholism. Correct.
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Obviously! Obviously,
it's alcoholism.
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I would drink myself
to death, too, if I had to live
with my weird old dad.
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And don't start feeling bad
for Dan, all right?
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It was kind of great. He died
the day before Thanksgiving,
and I was like,
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"Fuck, yes. Now no one's gonna
touch the mashed potatoes
with their fingers."
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[CROWD LAUGHS]
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It was a win for Myka.
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And it was kind of cool,
'cause I was home
for the holidays.
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So I'm like, now I get to snoop
through Dan's old room,
you know?
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See what was going on in there.
'Cause it's rude to do
when they're still alive.
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[CROWD LAUGHS]
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But I was like, "He's gone.
I can do this."
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So I go in there and...
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Anyone wanna guess what I found?
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00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:09,596
Alcohol. Mormon gets it.
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00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:11,265
[CROWD LAUGHS]
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He... Of course.
But so much alcohol.
So much alcohol, Mormon.
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There was 20 or 30
half-drank bottles of vodka
in there.
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20 or 30. I'm like, "Oh, fuck.
I see what the problem
was there.
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This guy can't finish
what he starts."
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00:07:27,531 --> 00:07:29,157
[CROWD LAUGHS]
154
00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:31,034
What are you doing
with so many bottles?
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You finish one, then you drink
another one. Maybe you have
one backup.
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One. Not 20 or 30.
Come on, man!
This is basic economics.
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If you did that,
maybe you wouldn't have had to
live with my weird old dad.
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But I was like,
I'll finish them, you know?
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So... You know,
it's the holidays. I'm like,
"I can't stand to be sober."
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00:07:48,302 --> 00:07:50,470
So I go to drink
one of these vodka bottles.
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My dad comes in
right at that moment.
He's pissed about it.
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He's like, "Myka!"
He's like, "What the hell
are you doing?"
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He's like, "You're not supposed
to drink a dead man's liquor."
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And I'm like, "Oh, shit.
I didn't know
you were a pirate."
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[CROWD LAUGHS]
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00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:07,154
"Fuck! There are rules.
Yo-ho to Dan!"
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00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:09,406
[CROWD LAUGHS]
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00:08:09,406 --> 00:08:11,992
I did... I did do
sober January.
169
00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:16,246
Did any of you guys
get tricked by your friends
into being a dork?
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00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:18,457
Did you do it with friends
or alone?
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00:08:18,457 --> 00:08:20,959
- MAN: A couple of friends.
- A couple of friends.
How does that happen?
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How does that...
"Hey, you guys wanna,
like, all get together
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00:08:23,629 --> 00:08:27,341
and make eye contact
and remember our conversations
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and realize
we were never really friends
without the alcohol?"
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00:08:30,928 --> 00:08:34,264
It's like, how is that...
how is that a friend thing?
It's terrible.
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00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:38,101
- I read the Twelve Step book.
Anyone read that?
- MAN: Oh, yeah.
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00:08:38,101 --> 00:08:40,979
You read the Twelve Step book?
I, uh... I didn't like it.
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00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:44,650
I don't see the point in reading
a book you can't brag about
at a party.
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00:08:44,650 --> 00:08:46,527
- No.
- [CROWD LAUGHING]
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00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:50,197
It's like, if I'm gonna
finish that thing,
I wanna chat. I, uh...
181
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:52,366
Here's the thing,
they lie to you in that book.
182
00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:56,411
Maybe you didn't notice that.
I did. It's not 12 steps.
It's 13 steps.
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There's a...
There's a cheat step
before you get to the first one.
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00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:01,208
I don't know why they don't just
tell you how many steps it is.
185
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:02,793
They're like,
"You drunk piece of shit!
186
00:09:02,793 --> 00:09:05,170
You can't handle knowing
how many steps this is."
187
00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:08,799
I'm like, "Yeah, you're right.
I did just fall down 15."
188
00:09:08,799 --> 00:09:10,509
[CROWD LAUGHS]
189
00:09:10,509 --> 00:09:13,846
There's a step
before you do the first one.
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00:09:13,846 --> 00:09:17,266
Besides my pro here,
anyone wanna guess what it is?
191
00:09:19,810 --> 00:09:22,104
- MAN: Drink?
- Drink? Who said that?
192
00:09:22,104 --> 00:09:23,647
You did? What's your name?
193
00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:26,191
- MAN: Fausto.
- Fausto. Everyone,
give it up for Fausto!
194
00:09:26,191 --> 00:09:28,193
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
195
00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:31,947
- He is wrong. He is wrong.
- [CROWD LAUGHS]
196
00:09:31,947 --> 00:09:35,200
That is not it.
But it was a really brave guess.
And thank you so much.
197
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,828
Anybody else
wanna take a stab at that?
198
00:09:37,828 --> 00:09:38,954
- MAN 1: No.
- MAN 2: Quit.
199
00:09:38,954 --> 00:09:40,622
- No, did you say quit?
- MAN 2: Yeah.
200
00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:42,708
Quit? It should be that, right?
201
00:09:42,708 --> 00:09:46,545
It should be that. You know,
people say "stop drinking" too.
"Stop drinking."
202
00:09:46,545 --> 00:09:48,130
Not in the book at all.
203
00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:50,299
Nowhere in the book
does it tell you
to stop drinking.
204
00:09:50,299 --> 00:09:57,389
That should be the only step.
You should open that book,
it should say, "Stop drinking."
205
00:09:57,389 --> 00:10:00,726
And then you turn the page,
it's just blank pages
from there on out.
206
00:10:00,726 --> 00:10:02,978
There's nothing else.
You did it. They're like,
"Yeah, here's some crayons.
207
00:10:02,978 --> 00:10:05,189
Why don't you go draw
about the times
you used to be fun?"
208
00:10:05,189 --> 00:10:07,191
[CROWD LAUGHS]
209
00:10:09,026 --> 00:10:11,028
The step before...
The first step is,
210
00:10:11,028 --> 00:10:13,655
you have to find acceptance
or something. I don't know.
I didn't get that far.
211
00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:15,616
[CROWD LAUGHS]
212
00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:19,703
But this... The pre-step is,
you have to hit rock bottom.
213
00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:23,790
We sure that's a good idea?
214
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:27,920
Is that... Really? You know?
Like, how do they even know
where rock bottom is?
215
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:31,381
Like, don't limit my potential
about how bad things can get.
216
00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:34,134
How is that a good idea?
217
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:36,553
I'm just picturing a person
going into their first
AA meeting,
218
00:10:36,553 --> 00:10:38,597
like, trying
to better themselves.
219
00:10:38,597 --> 00:10:41,517
You know, coming in there
being like, "Hey, man. You know,
I could use some help."
220
00:10:41,517 --> 00:10:44,144
And the guy leading
is just like,
"Hold it right there.
221
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:47,606
Do you still have custody
of your kids?"
222
00:10:47,606 --> 00:10:50,734
They're like, "What?
Oh, you're in the PTA?
Fucking take a hike!
223
00:10:50,734 --> 00:10:53,695
Come back
when you're too drunk to go
to your daughter's funeral."
224
00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:55,697
[CROWD LAUGHS]
225
00:10:59,785 --> 00:11:02,788
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
226
00:11:02,788 --> 00:11:06,208
I will wait
for an applause break.
Fuck, yeah.
227
00:11:06,208 --> 00:11:08,377
You guys can do that
as much as you want.
228
00:11:08,377 --> 00:11:11,505
I have a lot of time to fill
and not a lot to say.
229
00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:12,965
[CROWD LAUGHS]
230
00:11:12,965 --> 00:11:14,716
I, uh...
231
00:11:14,716 --> 00:11:16,927
I don't even consider myself
an alcoholic.
232
00:11:16,927 --> 00:11:19,096
I consider myself a pothead.
233
00:11:19,096 --> 00:11:21,598
- Anybody else? There we go!
- [CROWD CHEERING]
234
00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:24,935
Okay. This is my crowd
in the front row.
235
00:11:24,935 --> 00:11:27,729
We're watching you. [LAUGHS]
236
00:11:27,729 --> 00:11:29,815
You guys are too stoned
to say no to the front.
237
00:11:29,815 --> 00:11:31,149
Good... Bless your hearts.
238
00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:33,235
Um...
239
00:11:33,235 --> 00:11:36,196
So... And good job
leaving the house.
I applaud that.
240
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:38,115
So you guys know,
like, as a pothead,
241
00:11:38,115 --> 00:11:40,325
like, the Twelve Step book
couldn't help us.
242
00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:43,245
Like, there is no rock bottom
for being a pothead, you know?
243
00:11:43,245 --> 00:11:47,291
Like, I think the worst thing
I ever did when I was high
was buy that Twelve Step book.
244
00:11:47,291 --> 00:11:49,251
[CROWD LAUGHS]
245
00:11:49,251 --> 00:11:51,753
And this other time,
I accidentally smoked
a candle wick.
246
00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:54,840
And now my bong
smells like a gift from somebody
who doesn't know me very well.
247
00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:57,134
[CROWD LAUGHS]
248
00:11:57,134 --> 00:11:59,803
What can I say? I, uh...
I am a cat person.
249
00:11:59,803 --> 00:12:03,223
- Do we have any other
cat people in here?
- [CROWD CHEERING]
250
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:04,725
Hell, yes!
251
00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:06,476
I love that enthusiasm.
252
00:12:06,476 --> 00:12:08,854
You're pointing to her
like you're outing her.
253
00:12:08,854 --> 00:12:12,441
Dear God, she's like,
"This is a cat person
and, also, she's a Jew."
254
00:12:12,441 --> 00:12:14,443
[CROWD LAUGHS]
255
00:12:16,111 --> 00:12:17,738
Be careful.
That is not your friend.
256
00:12:17,738 --> 00:12:20,449
But it is...
I'm so proud of you guys.
257
00:12:20,449 --> 00:12:22,701
I'm so proud of you guys
for applauding being cat people.
258
00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:24,828
Sometimes I ask
and everyone's, like, so shy
259
00:12:24,828 --> 00:12:27,873
because, as cat people,
we're shamed in society,
aren't we?
260
00:12:27,873 --> 00:12:31,210
There's a lot of patriarchal
cat shaming going on, you know?
261
00:12:31,210 --> 00:12:33,629
They call you "Crazy cat lady."
262
00:12:33,629 --> 00:12:36,173
For... For what? For why?
For loving your pet?
263
00:12:36,173 --> 00:12:39,468
It's just your pet.
No other pet lover
catches that kind of smoke.
264
00:12:39,468 --> 00:12:42,054
You know? They don't call them
"Crazy dog people,"
265
00:12:42,054 --> 00:12:46,350
even though dog people
are way crazier. Right?
266
00:12:46,350 --> 00:12:48,936
- WOMAN: Yes.
- Like, yes.
Who are my dog people?
267
00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:51,188
[CROWD CHEERING]
268
00:12:51,188 --> 00:12:53,232
You guys...
269
00:12:53,232 --> 00:12:55,692
You're nuts.
You're so much crazier
than cat people.
270
00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:56,944
I see what you do.
271
00:12:56,944 --> 00:12:58,862
You dress your dogs up.
272
00:12:58,862 --> 00:13:02,074
You stick 'em in parades.
You suck their dicks.
273
00:13:02,074 --> 00:13:03,825
[CROWD LAUGHS]
274
00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:07,162
I think that's crazy.
275
00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:10,415
I love my cat.
I'm not ashamed to admit it.
We do everything together.
276
00:13:10,415 --> 00:13:12,167
We go to the bathroom together.
277
00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:13,669
And not just she goes in there
while I'm in there.
278
00:13:13,669 --> 00:13:16,421
She climbs up on the space
on the back of the toilet.
279
00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:19,091
And we ride it together.
Like a motorcycle.
280
00:13:19,091 --> 00:13:21,009
[CROWD LAUGHS]
281
00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:26,473
I FaceTime my pets.
You guys FaceTime your pets?
282
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,517
- [CROWD CHEERING]
- [LAUGHS] Okay.
283
00:13:28,517 --> 00:13:29,935
It's weird, right?
284
00:13:29,935 --> 00:13:31,937
It's weird, 'cause it takes
another person, you know?
285
00:13:31,937 --> 00:13:35,816
Like, I'll have to call up...
Like, FaceTime my boyfriend,
286
00:13:35,816 --> 00:13:38,777
and he'll pick up all excited
to hear from me,
and I'll be like,
287
00:13:38,777 --> 00:13:41,738
"Hey, honey...
Can you put the cat on?
288
00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:44,533
I miss the cat."
289
00:13:44,533 --> 00:13:49,288
The cat has been sending me
TikToks of his grandpa
shaving his balls.
290
00:13:49,288 --> 00:13:51,456
[CROWS LAUGHS]
291
00:13:51,456 --> 00:13:54,543
And then it's, like, me...
Basically, me making
my boyfriend help me
292
00:13:54,543 --> 00:13:56,587
cyber with the cat, you know?
293
00:13:56,587 --> 00:13:58,505
Like, I'll be like,
"Put the cat on.
294
00:13:59,798 --> 00:14:02,509
Yup. She looks good.
295
00:14:03,427 --> 00:14:04,887
She looks real good.
296
00:14:05,554 --> 00:14:07,222
Um...
297
00:14:07,222 --> 00:14:09,183
Now pet her.
298
00:14:09,183 --> 00:14:10,642
Yeah, pet her for me.
299
00:14:10,642 --> 00:14:13,187
No patter like I pet her.
Right behind the ear. Yeah.
300
00:14:14,438 --> 00:14:17,065
Keep going. Keep going.
Just like that.
301
00:14:17,858 --> 00:14:19,151
Is she purring?
302
00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:22,487
Nah, she's faking that.
303
00:14:22,487 --> 00:14:25,073
- We both do that."
- [CROWD LAUGHS]
304
00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:28,410
I do have a boyfriend.
Sorry to just bring that up
in the middle of conversation.
305
00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:31,288
I love him, too.
306
00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:34,750
That's what I say.
I say it all the time.
307
00:14:34,750 --> 00:14:37,169
I kind of have to, you know?
There's some things
you say on cocaine
308
00:14:37,169 --> 00:14:39,713
you can't take back.
309
00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:42,591
It's like, "You gotta
keep saying it
or you're a drug addict."
310
00:14:42,591 --> 00:14:46,345
[CROWD LAUGHS]
311
00:14:46,345 --> 00:14:48,764
He does that thing, too,
where I'll tell him I love him,
312
00:14:48,764 --> 00:14:52,351
and he'll be like,
"I love you more."
313
00:14:52,351 --> 00:14:55,229
And I'm like... "Yeah, I know."
314
00:14:55,229 --> 00:14:57,022
[ALL LAUGHING]
315
00:14:57,022 --> 00:15:00,609
"Stop bringing it up.
You're bumming me out."
316
00:15:01,902 --> 00:15:04,238
Is anyone in here in love?
317
00:15:04,238 --> 00:15:08,200
- [CHEERING]
- Uh-oh. [LAUGHS]
318
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:11,328
I heard, like, one clap...
319
00:15:11,328 --> 00:15:13,914
in this...
where there's clearly a couple.
320
00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:18,418
That's an uncomfortable
car ride home tonight.
321
00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:21,713
Um, everyone else is like,
"Please don't make me
say it yet."
322
00:15:21,713 --> 00:15:23,882
Don't say it.
Don't say it too soon.
323
00:15:23,882 --> 00:15:25,968
You can never walk it back.
324
00:15:25,968 --> 00:15:30,389
'Cause once you say I love you,
you can no longer say "Goodbye"
to that person.
325
00:15:30,389 --> 00:15:31,974
[CROWD LAUGHS]
326
00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:34,685
Like, if you end a conversation
with them saying "Goodbye,"
327
00:15:34,685 --> 00:15:38,480
it sounds like you're saying
"Go fuck yourself!" Right?
328
00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:43,235
So, like, I'll be leaving
the house, you know,
to get away from my boyfriend.
329
00:15:43,235 --> 00:15:48,532
And I'll have to do the thing,
you know? Or I'm like,
"Okay, I'm going. I love you."
330
00:15:48,532 --> 00:15:50,534
- [CROWD LAUGHS]
- All right?
331
00:15:50,534 --> 00:15:53,287
And then I'll go...
And then, like, God forbid,
I forget something.
332
00:15:53,287 --> 00:15:55,831
And I have to, like,
go back in there
and do that again,
333
00:15:55,831 --> 00:16:01,211
and just be like,
"Oh, I forgot my headphones.
I love you."
334
00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:04,715
It's like, "Oh, my God,
I can't believe I have to lie
every time I leave my house."
335
00:16:06,341 --> 00:16:08,635
He's so poor, too.
336
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:10,470
I mean, it is nice.
It's just the two of us.
337
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:13,974
So we have no kids,
and so we're like
a double income family.
338
00:16:13,974 --> 00:16:16,268
But I do earn
both of those, so...
339
00:16:16,268 --> 00:16:17,728
[CROWD LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]
340
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:21,815
So, kind of sucks, you know?
341
00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:25,319
He, um... He can't read either.
He's so dumb. He's, like...
342
00:16:25,319 --> 00:16:27,738
He's like half Irish,
half Italian.
343
00:16:27,738 --> 00:16:32,159
"And so I'm like, "Oh, good.
He got an Irish person's dick
and an Italian person's brains."
344
00:16:33,035 --> 00:16:36,830
[CROWD EXCLAIMS AND LAUGHS]
345
00:16:36,830 --> 00:16:38,832
Perfect. Nailed it.
346
00:16:39,625 --> 00:16:40,876
Got it.
347
00:16:40,876 --> 00:16:43,754
He gained 40 pounds
over the pandemic.
348
00:16:43,754 --> 00:16:45,756
40! 40.
349
00:16:45,756 --> 00:16:47,591
Hear that again, 40 pounds.
350
00:16:47,591 --> 00:16:49,426
The national average was 30.
351
00:16:49,426 --> 00:16:51,887
It's the only thing
I've seen him excel at
since we've been together.
352
00:16:51,887 --> 00:16:52,971
[CROWD LAUGHS]
353
00:16:52,971 --> 00:16:55,265
40 pounds! Oh, my God, right?
354
00:16:55,265 --> 00:16:57,267
It's crazy, too,
'cause the second
the pandemic hit,
355
00:16:57,267 --> 00:16:59,561
the first thing I did
was google "prison workout."
356
00:16:59,561 --> 00:17:01,438
I'm like,
"We're in a studio apartment."
357
00:17:01,438 --> 00:17:03,982
I'm like, "If these guys
can do it
in an eight by eight cell,
358
00:17:03,982 --> 00:17:05,901
we can figure this out here."
You know?
359
00:17:05,901 --> 00:17:09,780
And so I'd be, like,
on the floor, working out.
He'd be on the bed.
360
00:17:09,780 --> 00:17:11,907
There's only two places
to be in a studio.
361
00:17:11,907 --> 00:17:14,451
And he'd be just, like,
watching me from the bed.
I'm, like, looking up like,
362
00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:16,119
"Hey, can we trade places?
363
00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:18,372
You know, you're taking
more and more of the bed
every second."
364
00:17:18,372 --> 00:17:20,666
[CROWD LAUGHS]
365
00:17:20,666 --> 00:17:22,251
Wouldn't... wouldn't work out.
366
00:17:22,251 --> 00:17:24,753
I figured out, though,
a way to trick him
into working out.
367
00:17:24,753 --> 00:17:28,215
And this trick
will work on any man, all right?
368
00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:31,009
So, ladies, if you've got
a fatty at home, listen up.
369
00:17:31,009 --> 00:17:33,053
All right.
370
00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:36,306
Let's say you want a man
to do pushups.
371
00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:40,269
All you have to do
is do push ups
in front of him...
372
00:17:41,228 --> 00:17:42,396
wrong.
373
00:17:42,396 --> 00:17:44,940
[CROWD LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]
374
00:17:47,526 --> 00:17:51,738
Oh! You guys
are so predictably obnoxious.
375
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:54,867
Oh, my... It works
every freaking time, right?
376
00:17:54,867 --> 00:17:56,702
I'm doing pushups, right?
377
00:17:56,702 --> 00:17:58,954
My boyfriend hasn't done 'em
in, like, six years
by the looks of him.
378
00:17:58,954 --> 00:18:00,914
[CROWD LAUGHS]
379
00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:03,500
He sees me doing him,
immediately he's like,
"That's not how you do it."
380
00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:07,921
Just spraying Dorito dust
all over his PlayStation.
381
00:18:07,921 --> 00:18:10,716
Next, you know, he's like,
on the floor, trying to show me.
382
00:18:10,716 --> 00:18:13,719
And I'm like,
"Oh, my God, it's happening."
383
00:18:13,719 --> 00:18:16,597
I'm like, "That's great.
Yeah, show me again.
384
00:18:16,597 --> 00:18:21,476
Next time, why don't you
show me 50 to 100 more times?
385
00:18:21,476 --> 00:18:25,147
How about, next, you show me
how to make more money than me,
you broke a piece of shit!"
386
00:18:25,147 --> 00:18:27,524
[CROWD LAUGHS]
387
00:18:27,524 --> 00:18:30,319
Don't feel bad for him. I know.
You guys probably feel bad
for him right now.
388
00:18:30,319 --> 00:18:32,404
Really, you don't have to.
He knows I'm a comic
389
00:18:32,404 --> 00:18:34,698
and he's heard these jokes,
and he laughs and laughs,
'cause he doesn't get them.
390
00:18:34,698 --> 00:18:36,867
- So...
- [CROWD LAUGHS]
391
00:18:36,867 --> 00:18:39,036
It's fine.
I'll probably marry him.
392
00:18:40,078 --> 00:18:42,331
I give up. I'm done.
393
00:18:42,331 --> 00:18:44,666
I can't. I've been on
every first date.
394
00:18:44,666 --> 00:18:47,377
I can't do any more.
They're all the same.
You know, like,
395
00:18:47,377 --> 00:18:50,297
"How many siblings do you have?
Where'd you go to college?"
396
00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:52,257
It's like, "I don't remember.
Leave me alone."
397
00:18:52,257 --> 00:18:56,261
- [CROWD LAUGHS]
- Who can remember those things?
398
00:18:56,261 --> 00:18:58,263
I... I just...
I can't do anymore.
399
00:18:58,263 --> 00:19:00,933
I've been...
I've been single for...
400
00:19:00,933 --> 00:19:03,018
Before my boyfriend,
I was single for 14 years.
401
00:19:03,018 --> 00:19:04,978
So I've already
fucked all of you.
402
00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:06,605
[CROWD LAUGHS]
403
00:19:06,605 --> 00:19:09,858
Like, not individually,
but in general, you know?
I get it.
404
00:19:09,858 --> 00:19:11,777
I was doing
a lot of one-night stands.
405
00:19:11,777 --> 00:19:14,196
It's not like I like having sex.
I just hadn't slept
with that many people,
406
00:19:14,196 --> 00:19:16,198
and I didn't want the people
I've already slept with
407
00:19:16,198 --> 00:19:18,951
to feel like they were
so special, you know?
408
00:19:18,951 --> 00:19:23,330
It's like, "Easy there,
fat magician. I wasn't saving
my fourth time for you."
409
00:19:24,748 --> 00:19:26,542
If you do get the chance
to fuck a magician, though,
410
00:19:26,542 --> 00:19:29,169
[KISSES] I highly
recommend it. Beautiful.
411
00:19:29,169 --> 00:19:32,631
When they ejaculate,
they keep coming and coming
in different colors.
412
00:19:32,631 --> 00:19:35,175
- [CROWD LAUGHS]
- Like they do with scarves.
413
00:19:36,593 --> 00:19:39,263
They'll make
your heterosexuality disappear.
414
00:19:39,263 --> 00:19:41,139
[CROWD LAUGHS]
415
00:19:42,307 --> 00:19:43,892
I have seen it all, though.
416
00:19:43,892 --> 00:19:45,602
I was once having sex
with this guy,
and in the middle of it,
417
00:19:45,602 --> 00:19:48,480
he started barking like a dog.
418
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,316
- Oh, do you know Dave? Oh.
- [ALL LAUGHING]
419
00:19:51,316 --> 00:19:54,486
I was like, "We should
trade notes, for sure."
420
00:19:54,486 --> 00:19:57,364
But he thought
he was being sexy.
He was like...
421
00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:59,616
[MIMICS DOG WOOFING] Like that.
422
00:19:59,616 --> 00:20:03,078
He's like... [MIMICS GROWLING]
423
00:20:03,078 --> 00:20:04,705
I'm just like, "Oh, my God.
424
00:20:04,705 --> 00:20:08,750
Like, I can't believe
you trusted me with that."
425
00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:10,586
[CROWD LAUGHS]
426
00:20:10,586 --> 00:20:13,547
"Like, I'm gonna run
straight to a microphone
with this shit, you know?"
427
00:20:13,547 --> 00:20:15,382
I didn't wanna
finish having sex.
428
00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:18,677
I just wanted to tell everyone
that that's what he was into,
you know?
429
00:20:18,677 --> 00:20:20,137
And I didn't know
what to do, you know?
430
00:20:20,137 --> 00:20:23,682
'Cause I'm used to
fucking people. Like...
431
00:20:23,682 --> 00:20:28,020
What's the fantasy here?
A girl gets banged
by a dog? Pass.
432
00:20:28,020 --> 00:20:31,190
You know, but he's inside me,
so I gotta make a call. Um...
433
00:20:31,190 --> 00:20:33,400
[CROWD LAUGHS]
434
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:36,737
So I was like, I don't know,
how do I make this not some,
like, weird bestiality thing.
435
00:20:36,737 --> 00:20:40,616
I was like, I guess,
If I'm also a dog...
436
00:20:42,284 --> 00:20:44,286
or something. So, like,
I'm sitting there, like,
437
00:20:44,286 --> 00:20:46,997
trying to find the courage to,
I don't know, like...
438
00:20:47,998 --> 00:20:50,167
- [BARKS]
- [ALL LAUGH]
439
00:20:52,377 --> 00:20:55,756
And... You know
when you're fucking a dude,
and he's barking like a dog,
440
00:20:55,756 --> 00:20:57,633
and it's your turn to bark,
and you can't?
441
00:20:57,633 --> 00:20:59,927
[CROWD LAUGHS]
442
00:20:59,927 --> 00:21:01,178
I don't know what to do either.
443
00:21:01,178 --> 00:21:04,890
So I just ended up
dating him for six months.
444
00:21:04,890 --> 00:21:07,976
And then he moved to LA.
They're not all fairytales.
445
00:21:07,976 --> 00:21:10,354
I told you guys
dog people were crazier.
446
00:21:10,354 --> 00:21:11,939
[ALL LAUGHING]
447
00:21:12,481 --> 00:21:13,774
I, um...
448
00:21:13,774 --> 00:21:15,359
You guys like dirty talk?
449
00:21:15,359 --> 00:21:16,443
MAN: What?
450
00:21:16,443 --> 00:21:18,654
[LAUGHS]
451
00:21:18,654 --> 00:21:21,657
You guys were...
Except for that one
random utterance,
452
00:21:21,657 --> 00:21:23,325
you guys were totally silent,
453
00:21:23,325 --> 00:21:25,869
which means you do.
454
00:21:25,869 --> 00:21:29,581
But you like it how I like it,
or it's like,
"Yeah, but you do it."
455
00:21:29,581 --> 00:21:31,250
[CROWD LAUGHS]
456
00:21:31,250 --> 00:21:32,751
Yeah, there it is.
457
00:21:32,751 --> 00:21:35,170
I, uh...
Like, I love dirty talk.
It's my favorite thing,
458
00:21:35,170 --> 00:21:37,798
But I hate to reciprocate it.
I think it's so embarrassing.
459
00:21:37,798 --> 00:21:40,676
Like, I think the worst thing
you could say to me in bed
is, "What?"
460
00:21:40,676 --> 00:21:43,345
[CROWD LAUGHS]
461
00:21:43,345 --> 00:21:46,139
"Absolutely not. I'm never gonna
repeat that again.
462
00:21:46,139 --> 00:21:48,183
You should've heard that
the first time, Grandpa."
463
00:21:50,227 --> 00:21:52,271
It can just, like, go so wrong,
you know?
464
00:21:52,271 --> 00:21:54,565
Because, like,
it can't be scripted out,
465
00:21:54,565 --> 00:21:56,191
or then it's, like,
too predictable,
466
00:21:56,191 --> 00:21:58,235
and you have to be
banging someone who can read.
467
00:21:58,235 --> 00:22:00,153
- [CROWD LAUGHS]
- [SIGHS]
468
00:22:00,153 --> 00:22:01,405
Yeah, I don't know
where to find that.
469
00:22:01,405 --> 00:22:02,614
You know,
it just can go so wrong.
470
00:22:02,614 --> 00:22:04,616
Like, I was once having sex
with this guy,
471
00:22:04,616 --> 00:22:06,660
and we get to the end
of our show, let's call it,
472
00:22:06,660 --> 00:22:10,998
and he leans in,
and he goes like,
473
00:22:10,998 --> 00:22:13,792
"Where do you want me to come?
474
00:22:13,792 --> 00:22:16,837
And I was like,
"Oh, fuck, I have to pick?
475
00:22:16,837 --> 00:22:18,547
[GROANS]
476
00:22:18,547 --> 00:22:22,134
I make a million decisions
in the day.
I'm a professional woman.
477
00:22:22,134 --> 00:22:25,179
You couldn't even pick
where we went to dinner."
You know?
478
00:22:25,179 --> 00:22:28,473
But they make it seem
like it's a romantic gesture.
479
00:22:28,473 --> 00:22:30,475
[CROWD LAUGHS]
480
00:22:30,475 --> 00:22:32,895
Like, I get to choose.
481
00:22:32,895 --> 00:22:34,104
[CROWD LAUGHS]
482
00:22:34,104 --> 00:22:36,607
You know,
like, chivalry ain't dead.
483
00:22:36,607 --> 00:22:38,984
You know, like,
here comes Sir Lancelot.
484
00:22:38,984 --> 00:22:43,739
Just like, "Where would you like
my jizz, milady?"
485
00:22:43,739 --> 00:22:47,451
And I'm supposed to be like
"Oh, my God,
is it Valentine's Day again?"
486
00:22:47,451 --> 00:22:48,827
[ALL LAUGHING]
487
00:22:48,827 --> 00:22:51,371
Is this what's left
of my woman's right to choose?
488
00:22:51,371 --> 00:22:52,664
[CROWD LAUGHS]
489
00:22:53,749 --> 00:22:55,375
And it's a bullshit
question anyway,
490
00:22:55,375 --> 00:22:57,836
'cause it's not like
they're giving you
a lot of time to decide.
491
00:22:57,836 --> 00:22:59,338
[CROWD LAUGHS]
492
00:22:59,338 --> 00:23:01,173
You can't be like,
"Can I sleep on it?"
493
00:23:02,382 --> 00:23:05,010
But you will. You will. Um...
494
00:23:05,010 --> 00:23:06,011
[CROWD LAUGHS]
495
00:23:07,846 --> 00:23:10,265
Here's why
it's a bullshit question,
496
00:23:10,265 --> 00:23:13,227
is the man already knows
where they wanna come
by the time they ask that.
497
00:23:13,227 --> 00:23:18,106
They just want you to say,
so they don't get in trouble
for picking it.
498
00:23:18,106 --> 00:23:20,108
I'm on to you, all right?
I'm on to you.
499
00:23:20,108 --> 00:23:23,153
And you can ask me
a million times,
I'm never gonna say the face.
500
00:23:23,153 --> 00:23:24,613
All right?
501
00:23:24,613 --> 00:23:26,114
I'm not gonna say the face.
502
00:23:26,114 --> 00:23:29,284
I don't know if any of you guys
are into the face. Mazel.
503
00:23:29,284 --> 00:23:31,119
I call bullshit on the face.
504
00:23:31,119 --> 00:23:32,579
[CROWD LAUGHS]
505
00:23:32,579 --> 00:23:34,665
I call shenanigans on the face.
I don't believe in it.
506
00:23:34,665 --> 00:23:37,876
I've slept with enough men
to know that most of you
507
00:23:37,876 --> 00:23:40,838
are not making it to the face.
508
00:23:40,838 --> 00:23:43,841
[CROWD LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]
509
00:23:45,300 --> 00:23:49,221
A lot of...
lot of dribblers out there.
510
00:23:49,221 --> 00:23:51,181
[CROWD LAUGHS]
511
00:23:51,181 --> 00:23:54,434
A lot of... It's like trying
to get to one of those
broken water fountains.
512
00:23:54,434 --> 00:23:56,520
- Just...
- [CROWD LAUGHS]
513
00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:58,522
"I... I think it's coming out."
514
00:24:01,066 --> 00:24:03,068
It's like, "Oh, you wanna come
on my face right now."
515
00:24:03,068 --> 00:24:05,904
I gotta, like,
climb on down there,
516
00:24:05,904 --> 00:24:10,284
put my face right up to the tip,
like a puppy
looking for the nipple, like...
517
00:24:10,826 --> 00:24:12,494
[CROWD LAUGHS]
518
00:24:14,246 --> 00:24:15,622
"Good job, honey.
519
00:24:16,248 --> 00:24:17,207
You did it."
520
00:24:19,293 --> 00:24:20,878
"Where do you want me to come?"
521
00:24:20,878 --> 00:24:22,546
"I don't know. How about
the trash can?
522
00:24:23,755 --> 00:24:25,507
Is that cool?
I'll bring it right to you.
523
00:24:26,758 --> 00:24:29,261
We can save that jizz
a nine-month trip."
524
00:24:29,261 --> 00:24:32,014
[CROWD EXCLAIMS AND LAUGHS]
525
00:24:32,014 --> 00:24:36,310
That's a dumpster baby joke,
not an abortion joke.
526
00:24:36,310 --> 00:24:39,146
In that joke,
I carry the baby to term,
527
00:24:39,146 --> 00:24:43,192
then I give birth to it,
and then I throw it out
in the trash.
528
00:24:44,276 --> 00:24:46,695
My joke, my choice.
529
00:24:46,695 --> 00:24:49,323
[CROWD LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]
530
00:24:50,115 --> 00:24:51,325
Thank you.
531
00:24:53,410 --> 00:24:55,120
Thank you.
532
00:24:55,120 --> 00:24:58,540
I've been... I've been watching
a lot of nature documentaries.
533
00:24:58,540 --> 00:24:59,917
You guys like those?
534
00:24:59,917 --> 00:25:01,668
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
- I love them. Yeah.
535
00:25:01,668 --> 00:25:03,545
Fuck, yeah.
536
00:25:03,545 --> 00:25:08,175
Yeah. Fuck, yeah!
Let's woo nature documentaries.
Let's get fucking crazy.
537
00:25:08,175 --> 00:25:11,637
I like to... I like to get high.
I like to watch 'em
falling asleep, you know?
538
00:25:11,637 --> 00:25:14,848
It, like, calms me down,
'cause it's like no matter
what my problems are, you know,
539
00:25:14,848 --> 00:25:17,184
somewhere out there is a bird...
540
00:25:17,184 --> 00:25:18,977
[CROWD LAUGHS]
541
00:25:18,977 --> 00:25:21,563
It's very comforting
to me, you know?
542
00:25:21,563 --> 00:25:24,608
But they do get,
kind of, stressful sometimes.
They try and stress you out.
543
00:25:24,608 --> 00:25:27,361
You know, like, the guy
will come on and be like,
544
00:25:27,361 --> 00:25:29,071
"This baby elephant...
545
00:25:30,447 --> 00:25:36,411
has to walk 5,000 miles
to get a drink of water.
546
00:25:36,411 --> 00:25:40,666
- If he doesn't drink soon,
he will die."
- [CROWD LAUGHS]
547
00:25:40,666 --> 00:25:44,878
I'm like, "What the fuck?
Are you about to show me
a dead baby elephant right now?
548
00:25:44,878 --> 00:25:48,924
Are you fucking kidding me,
Discovery? Are you serious?
I do not want to see that!"
549
00:25:48,924 --> 00:25:52,386
You know? And then, like,
of course it gets to the lake
or whatever.
550
00:25:52,386 --> 00:25:55,722
And it takes a sip
and everything's great.
And then the guy's like,
551
00:25:55,722 --> 00:26:00,060
"And now, it starts
its 5,000-mile walk back...
552
00:26:01,144 --> 00:26:04,189
past through
the Rabid Hyena Alley,
553
00:26:04,189 --> 00:26:07,943
through Poacher Junction
and onto its precarious cliff."
554
00:26:07,943 --> 00:26:10,237
I'm like, "No! Just stay there!
555
00:26:10,237 --> 00:26:15,200
Stay by the water,
you dumb fucking baby elephant!
You need that to live!
556
00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:16,952
Why did you leave?"
557
00:26:16,952 --> 00:26:18,829
The birds are flying back.
558
00:26:18,829 --> 00:26:20,330
"No! Stay in the tree!"
559
00:26:20,330 --> 00:26:22,624
God! Pisses me off every time.
560
00:26:22,624 --> 00:26:24,209
[CROWD LAUGHS]
561
00:26:24,209 --> 00:26:28,380
It's so predictable.
I'm like, "You do this
every year!"
562
00:26:28,380 --> 00:26:30,799
And then,
every nature documentary
ends the same way.
563
00:26:30,799 --> 00:26:32,217
It's so depressing.
564
00:26:32,217 --> 00:26:35,220
They're like, you know,
565
00:26:35,220 --> 00:26:38,640
"We've ruined their habitat
and they're all about to die."
566
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:41,101
And I'm like,
"All right, all right.
I'm up. I'm up." You know?
567
00:26:41,101 --> 00:26:44,479
I don't know if you guys saw,
Obama has a nature doc out.
568
00:26:44,479 --> 00:26:46,148
Have you guys seen that one?
569
00:26:46,148 --> 00:26:48,609
No? You guys
should really check it out.
It's gorgeous.
570
00:26:48,609 --> 00:26:50,777
You just know
he would nail a drone shot.
571
00:26:50,777 --> 00:26:53,947
[CROWD EXCLAIMS AND LAUGHS]
572
00:26:53,947 --> 00:26:58,285
He had the nerve
to end his the same way
all the other ones do.
573
00:26:58,285 --> 00:26:59,453
You know, with this,
like, warning.
574
00:26:59,453 --> 00:27:01,079
He, like, gets on there
and he's like,
575
00:27:01,079 --> 00:27:03,081
[MIMICKING OBAMA]
"Well, and these animals..."
576
00:27:03,081 --> 00:27:05,918
I don't know why I'm trying
to do an Obama, I've never
done that in my life.
577
00:27:06,877 --> 00:27:08,295
We're gonna commit. He's like,
578
00:27:08,295 --> 00:27:10,923
[MIMICKING OBAMA]
"Well, uh,
these baby animals are,
579
00:27:10,923 --> 00:27:14,801
you know,
gonna lose their habitat
unless we do something,
580
00:27:14,801 --> 00:27:16,220
you know, to fix this."
581
00:27:16,220 --> 00:27:18,055
[CROWD LAUGHS]
582
00:27:18,639 --> 00:27:19,723
And I'm like...
583
00:27:20,641 --> 00:27:23,936
Yeah, "We?"
584
00:27:23,936 --> 00:27:28,774
I was like, "Wasn't one of us
president of the United States?
585
00:27:28,774 --> 00:27:33,153
Wasn't one of us,
the most powerful man
on the planet?
586
00:27:33,153 --> 00:27:37,157
And you want the both of us
to figure out what to do?"
587
00:27:37,157 --> 00:27:39,493
Fucking bullshit!
That is, like, such a man.
588
00:27:39,493 --> 00:27:42,913
[CROWD LAUGHS]
589
00:27:42,913 --> 00:27:44,373
But I mean, it does make sense.
590
00:27:44,373 --> 00:27:46,667
Like, of course, like,
Obama couldn't have been, like,
591
00:27:46,667 --> 00:27:50,546
written some bill
to save the African elephants
and lions and tigers,
592
00:27:50,546 --> 00:27:53,841
'cause all the Republicans
would have been, like,
"I knew he was from Kenya!"
593
00:27:53,841 --> 00:27:56,176
[CROWD LAUGHS]
594
00:27:58,220 --> 00:27:59,429
I was...
595
00:27:59,429 --> 00:28:02,724
I was raised by my dad,
not my mom.
596
00:28:02,724 --> 00:28:04,518
Anybody else have a story
they never tell anybody?
597
00:28:05,143 --> 00:28:07,104
[CROWD LAUGHS]
598
00:28:07,104 --> 00:28:10,065
No? If anyone ever tells you
they were raised by their dad
and not their mom,
599
00:28:10,065 --> 00:28:12,901
just be like, "Oh, that's cool,"
and keep it walking.
600
00:28:12,901 --> 00:28:16,321
It is not cool. Is anyone here
best friends with their mom?
601
00:28:16,321 --> 00:28:20,409
- [CLAPPING]
- You are? Fucking weirdo!
602
00:28:20,409 --> 00:28:23,078
That's so weird.
Fucking best friends
with my mom.
603
00:28:23,078 --> 00:28:26,373
I don't know. I just feel like,
after you've spent a year
sucking someone's tits,
604
00:28:26,373 --> 00:28:28,375
you can't walk that back.
605
00:28:28,375 --> 00:28:29,960
[CROWD LAUGHS]
606
00:28:31,336 --> 00:28:33,088
I think it's weird.
607
00:28:33,088 --> 00:28:36,550
My dad did an okay job.
He was... He did
an all right job, you know?
608
00:28:36,550 --> 00:28:38,427
I remember once,
I was in high school,
609
00:28:38,427 --> 00:28:41,597
and I was out late partying
with my musical theater friends.
610
00:28:41,597 --> 00:28:45,142
And I come in. I'm, like,
sneaking in
611
00:28:45,142 --> 00:28:47,895
at, like, 3:00 in the morning,
real quiet, you know?
612
00:28:47,895 --> 00:28:51,899
Like all, like, just, like,
in the front door just, like,
clickety-clack.
613
00:28:51,899 --> 00:28:54,067
Trying to close it.
And right as I'm closing
the front door,
614
00:28:54,067 --> 00:28:56,195
I hear the back door close.
615
00:28:56,195 --> 00:29:00,574
And my dad and I lock eyes
from across the house.
616
00:29:00,574 --> 00:29:02,576
And he's like,
"Did you just get in?"
617
00:29:02,576 --> 00:29:05,787
And I was like,
"Yeah. Did you?"
618
00:29:05,787 --> 00:29:08,290
And he was like, "Good night."
I was like, "Yes!"
619
00:29:08,290 --> 00:29:09,750
[CROWD LAUGHS]
620
00:29:09,750 --> 00:29:12,127
Raised by Dad for the win!
621
00:29:12,127 --> 00:29:14,129
[CROWD LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]
622
00:29:14,129 --> 00:29:16,006
I, um... [LAUGHS]
623
00:29:16,006 --> 00:29:18,008
I remember one time,
I was in high school,
624
00:29:18,008 --> 00:29:22,596
and I was working on a paper
for English class
that was an argument paper.
625
00:29:22,596 --> 00:29:25,974
That's where you pick
a controversial subject
and you argue one side of it.
626
00:29:25,974 --> 00:29:29,436
I picked the topic
of fertility drugs.
I was anti-fertility drugs.
627
00:29:29,436 --> 00:29:31,438
You know, I was...
In high school,
I was all angsty.
628
00:29:31,438 --> 00:29:33,857
I was like, "If you can't
procreate naturally,
629
00:29:33,857 --> 00:29:37,194
then nobody needs you
or your science fiction baby!"
630
00:29:37,194 --> 00:29:38,570
You know?
631
00:29:38,570 --> 00:29:41,740
"Just flush your genes
down the toilet, you loser!"
632
00:29:42,991 --> 00:29:44,618
And so, I'm going to town
on this paper.
633
00:29:44,618 --> 00:29:47,162
My dad starts reading
over my shoulder
and he starts laughing.
634
00:29:47,162 --> 00:29:49,081
And I'm like,
"What's your problem?"
He's like,
635
00:29:49,081 --> 00:29:51,041
"Oh, my God, you don't know."
636
00:29:51,041 --> 00:29:53,252
He's like,
"You're a fertility baby."
637
00:29:53,252 --> 00:29:56,213
[CROWD EXCLAIMS AND LAUGHS]
638
00:29:56,213 --> 00:29:57,923
And I'm like, "Excuse me. What?
639
00:29:57,923 --> 00:30:01,176
Like you and Mom
took fertility drugs,
and that's why I'm alive?"
640
00:30:01,176 --> 00:30:03,387
And he's like, "Yeah."
641
00:30:03,387 --> 00:30:06,056
I'm like, "Shit.
642
00:30:06,056 --> 00:30:08,767
You just gave me
my closing argument!"
643
00:30:08,767 --> 00:30:10,769
[CROWD LAUGHS]
644
00:30:10,769 --> 00:30:13,647
If it weren't for
fertility drugs, I wouldn't be
stuck on this miserable planet
645
00:30:13,647 --> 00:30:16,024
where I don't know
the circumstances
surrounding my existence
646
00:30:16,024 --> 00:30:19,278
until I'm already writing
an argument paper against it.
647
00:30:20,362 --> 00:30:21,405
Print!
648
00:30:23,448 --> 00:30:26,618
I don't know. I, uh...
I'm still against
fertility drugs.
649
00:30:26,618 --> 00:30:28,537
I'm against anything
that makes babies.
650
00:30:29,997 --> 00:30:31,832
I don't need 'em.
651
00:30:31,832 --> 00:30:35,377
I had someone ask me recently,
they were like,
652
00:30:35,377 --> 00:30:39,715
"If you became pregnant
and you found out your baby
was gonna be handicapped,
653
00:30:39,715 --> 00:30:41,633
would you get an abortion?"
654
00:30:41,633 --> 00:30:43,719
And I was like,
"Cool first date."
655
00:30:43,719 --> 00:30:45,762
- Um...
- [CROWD LAUGHS]
656
00:30:45,762 --> 00:30:48,807
Cool. But, you know, I was like,
"I don't know, I...
657
00:30:48,807 --> 00:30:53,103
I guess I'd get an abortion
either way.
658
00:30:53,103 --> 00:30:57,482
You know? Like, a baby
doesn't need to be handicapped
for me to not want it, right?
659
00:30:59,484 --> 00:31:01,028
Where are my chicken fingers?"
660
00:31:01,904 --> 00:31:04,656
[CROWD LAUGHS]
661
00:31:04,656 --> 00:31:08,035
If you guys are clamming up now,
you are not gonna like
the next five minutes.
662
00:31:09,077 --> 00:31:11,663
So buckle up!
663
00:31:11,663 --> 00:31:14,082
Buckle up. I, uh... I do...
664
00:31:14,082 --> 00:31:15,584
I am worried
about abortion rights.
665
00:31:15,584 --> 00:31:17,878
Sorry! Woman time on the show.
666
00:31:17,878 --> 00:31:20,297
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
- Um... [LAUGHS] Yeah.
667
00:31:20,297 --> 00:31:22,341
It is scary.
It's getting so bad.
668
00:31:22,341 --> 00:31:24,760
It's been bad in Texas.
Fuck. Texas.
669
00:31:24,760 --> 00:31:27,137
Texas has had a law
on the books
for a long time now,
670
00:31:27,137 --> 00:31:28,972
where you can't get
an abortion there.
671
00:31:28,972 --> 00:31:32,476
The doctor is legally required
to show you a sonogram
of the baby
672
00:31:32,476 --> 00:31:33,977
before you get an abortion.
673
00:31:33,977 --> 00:31:36,813
Which is just truly so gross.
674
00:31:36,813 --> 00:31:39,149
Like, how is that supposed
to go down, right?
675
00:31:39,149 --> 00:31:41,401
Like some girl's in the office,
just like...
676
00:31:42,819 --> 00:31:46,073
"Yeah, I guess that does
look like my rapist.
677
00:31:46,073 --> 00:31:48,242
[CROWD EXCLAIMS AND LAUGHS]
678
00:31:48,242 --> 00:31:50,869
It has his sneer and everything.
679
00:31:50,869 --> 00:31:53,372
Look at him
hiding behind the shadows,
just like him."
680
00:31:53,372 --> 00:31:55,749
[CROWD LAUGHS]
681
00:31:56,250 --> 00:31:57,918
It's fun.
682
00:31:57,918 --> 00:32:00,963
I, um... I once did a show,
683
00:32:00,963 --> 00:32:03,215
an out of town gig,
and I was like racing to it.
684
00:32:03,215 --> 00:32:05,133
And, you know, I'm, like,
getting on stage.
685
00:32:05,133 --> 00:32:07,302
And, like,
right before I get on stage,
686
00:32:07,302 --> 00:32:09,513
the booker pulls me aside
and he's like,
687
00:32:09,513 --> 00:32:14,226
"Oh, I forgot to tell you,
no sex jokes. No sex jokes
on the show."
688
00:32:14,226 --> 00:32:17,354
And I was like, "Oh, no!
That's all I've got." You know?
689
00:32:17,354 --> 00:32:19,690
Uh, so I was like, "Oh, no."
And then I...
690
00:32:19,690 --> 00:32:24,236
So I get on stage,
and I just told 20 minutes
of rape jokes.
691
00:32:24,236 --> 00:32:26,780
Just rape, rape, rape,
rape, rape, rape.
692
00:32:26,780 --> 00:32:31,493
And I get off stage.
Booker, not happy.
693
00:32:31,493 --> 00:32:33,495
Pulls me aside, he's like,
"What the hell was that?"
694
00:32:33,495 --> 00:32:35,205
And I'm like,
"Well, those are rape jokes.
695
00:32:35,205 --> 00:32:37,791
You know, that's...
that's not about sex.
That's about power."
696
00:32:39,042 --> 00:32:41,670
[CROWD LAUGHS]
697
00:32:41,670 --> 00:32:44,131
It's a pro-victim joke.
These are all pro-victim
rape jokes.
698
00:32:44,131 --> 00:32:46,675
Let's... Let's just be clear
about that.
699
00:32:46,675 --> 00:32:49,928
Let's not pull this
out of context.
700
00:32:49,928 --> 00:32:54,391
I am pro-victim.
And pro for the victim,
not pro "They're being victims."
701
00:32:54,391 --> 00:32:57,060
[CROWD LAUGHS]
702
00:32:57,060 --> 00:32:59,104
Just before we get confused.
703
00:32:59,897 --> 00:33:01,607
You guys like choking?
704
00:33:01,607 --> 00:33:03,233
[CROWD LAUGHS]
705
00:33:03,233 --> 00:33:05,444
- You guys getting choked?
Who's getting choked?
- [WHOOPING]
706
00:33:05,444 --> 00:33:06,653
Yeah? Fuck, yeah!
707
00:33:06,653 --> 00:33:09,865
It's so crazy how...
It's like a fad.
708
00:33:09,865 --> 00:33:13,118
There's, like,
a choking fad now.
Like, it never used to happen.
709
00:33:13,118 --> 00:33:16,788
And then, like, all of a sudden,
everyone came in, like,
that's their move.
710
00:33:16,788 --> 00:33:19,541
"I'm the choking guy now."
It's the weirdest thing.
711
00:33:19,541 --> 00:33:23,253
Like, if we break down
my entire sexual experience
into the span of a year...
712
00:33:23,253 --> 00:33:26,840
Let's do this Carl Sagan style.
713
00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:31,553
If we broke it down into a year,
then the first 11 months
and 39...
714
00:33:31,553 --> 00:33:34,223
29 days and five minutes
is no choking.
715
00:33:34,223 --> 00:33:37,059
And then, the last five minutes,
just choking, choking, choking.
716
00:33:37,059 --> 00:33:39,311
And I don't even know
how it happened, you know?
717
00:33:39,311 --> 00:33:42,731
Like, most of the guys
I have sex with
don't even take their shirt off.
718
00:33:42,731 --> 00:33:44,274
[CROWD LAUGHS]
719
00:33:46,818 --> 00:33:50,113
"You're pretty self-conscious
about your weight
for a sex-addicted misogynist."
720
00:33:50,113 --> 00:33:52,324
[CROWD LAUGHS]
721
00:33:52,324 --> 00:33:56,745
You guys ever look at a child
just to figure out
what a pedophile sees in them?
722
00:33:56,745 --> 00:33:58,997
[CROWD EXCLAIMS]
723
00:33:58,997 --> 00:34:01,083
No, 'cause you're not...
No, 'cause you're not one.
724
00:34:01,083 --> 00:34:03,293
'Cause you're not one!
725
00:34:03,293 --> 00:34:06,213
You know, 'cause you're not one?
No, because... All right,
go with me here for a second.
726
00:34:06,213 --> 00:34:08,465
Like, 'cause, you know...
Because it's like,
727
00:34:08,465 --> 00:34:11,510
what is so sexy
about these kids
728
00:34:11,510 --> 00:34:13,887
that is worth ruining
their lives over, you know?
729
00:34:13,887 --> 00:34:15,597
Pedophiles don't wanna
be pedophiles.
730
00:34:15,597 --> 00:34:20,227
So, just to see... just to see
what's so enticing to them.
731
00:34:20,227 --> 00:34:23,105
All right, go with me
for a second. All right.
Okay, like...
732
00:34:23,105 --> 00:34:26,108
Every straight person in here
has, at some point,
733
00:34:26,108 --> 00:34:29,736
looked at someone
of the same sex just to see
if they were gay.
734
00:34:30,696 --> 00:34:32,406
[CROWD LAUGHS]
735
00:34:32,406 --> 00:34:35,200
So maybe you've gotta do that
with kids, you know?
736
00:34:35,200 --> 00:34:37,619
Just to see, just to make sure
you're not.
737
00:34:37,619 --> 00:34:39,454
Just to make sure you're not,
you know?
738
00:34:39,454 --> 00:34:41,790
Because it's better to know.
It's better to know.
739
00:34:41,790 --> 00:34:43,250
You can't just have it
creep up on you,
740
00:34:43,250 --> 00:34:45,794
and all of a sudden,
you're trying to fuck a kid.
741
00:34:45,794 --> 00:34:48,380
You know? You should know that
ahead of time.
It's less dangerous.
742
00:34:48,380 --> 00:34:50,215
I don't know
what you're gonna do about it.
743
00:34:50,215 --> 00:34:52,217
I don't know, maybe take
a naked picture of yourself
when you're a kid,
744
00:34:52,217 --> 00:34:54,261
look at it later.
745
00:34:54,261 --> 00:34:57,222
I don't know. I'm not solving
all the problems. You know?
746
00:34:58,265 --> 00:35:00,100
And you can't just look at one.
747
00:35:00,100 --> 00:35:02,644
[CROWD EXCLAIMS AND LAUGHS]
748
00:35:02,644 --> 00:35:04,104
You look at one,
you don't wanna fuck it,
749
00:35:04,104 --> 00:35:05,189
you know, you're like,
"Oh, thank God."
750
00:35:05,189 --> 00:35:06,690
But what if that one
wasn't your type?
751
00:35:08,025 --> 00:35:10,444
You know, you gotta look
at a few, you know?
752
00:35:10,444 --> 00:35:12,905
Short ones, fat ones,
kids who climb on rocks.
753
00:35:12,905 --> 00:35:16,491
[CROWD LAUGHS]
754
00:35:16,491 --> 00:35:19,661
I feel like you guys
are getting very uncomfortable
right now.
755
00:35:19,661 --> 00:35:23,081
And that is your fault.
That is on you.
That is not my problem.
756
00:35:23,081 --> 00:35:26,210
All right? Those of us
who can intellectually
think about this
757
00:35:26,210 --> 00:35:28,337
and hear the word pedophile
over and over
758
00:35:28,337 --> 00:35:32,716
know it's not going to make us
pedophiles just because
we heard the word, you know?
759
00:35:32,716 --> 00:35:37,221
Like, I know I'm not a pedophile
because I've looked at
a lot of children.
760
00:35:37,221 --> 00:35:39,056
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
761
00:35:40,557 --> 00:35:42,559
That went
like I thought it would.
762
00:35:43,519 --> 00:35:44,770
And that is fine.
763
00:35:45,646 --> 00:35:47,064
I'm from Arizona.
764
00:35:47,064 --> 00:35:49,107
So I've done cocaine
with my dad.
765
00:35:49,107 --> 00:35:51,151
[CROWD LAUGHS]
766
00:35:51,151 --> 00:35:52,778
You guys like cocaine?
767
00:35:52,778 --> 00:35:55,781
- [MAN WHOOPING]
- I don't really get
cocaine's popularity.
768
00:35:55,781 --> 00:35:58,867
I haven't had fun
the last 30 or 40 times
I've done it.
769
00:35:58,867 --> 00:36:00,118
[CROWD LAUGHS]
770
00:36:00,118 --> 00:36:01,578
I physically can't say no
to coke.
771
00:36:01,578 --> 00:36:03,705
You could offer it to me
on a spinning bike tire,
772
00:36:03,705 --> 00:36:06,792
I'd be like, "I got it.
773
00:36:06,792 --> 00:36:08,669
That's gonna come back around."
774
00:36:08,669 --> 00:36:10,045
I didn't mean to do coke
with my dad.
775
00:36:10,045 --> 00:36:11,797
That was kind of
a Thanksgiving miracle.
776
00:36:12,714 --> 00:36:14,633
I, um...
777
00:36:14,633 --> 00:36:17,970
I was home for the holidays,
and I was snooping through
my mom's old closet.
778
00:36:17,970 --> 00:36:20,597
You know, they're divorced,
you know, like all of yours.
779
00:36:20,597 --> 00:36:25,102
And she left a lot of
really cool stuff behind.
She was out in a real rush.
780
00:36:25,102 --> 00:36:30,232
So I'm looking around
and I find this coke mirror
that hadn't been there before.
781
00:36:30,232 --> 00:36:34,278
And I know it was a coke mirror
because it was huge,
and it was covered in coke.
782
00:36:34,278 --> 00:36:36,405
[CROWD LAUGHS]
783
00:36:36,405 --> 00:36:38,907
But I make sure, you know?
I'm not just gonna walk away.
784
00:36:38,907 --> 00:36:40,909
I gotta make sure my dad's
getting the good stuff.
785
00:36:40,909 --> 00:36:45,372
So I start doing gummers
off of it. Like it's my last day
in Los Angeles, you know?
786
00:36:45,372 --> 00:36:47,040
Just like...
[MIMICS TEETH SQUEAKING]
787
00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:50,002
You know, like, "I hope
this writers' strike ends."
You know?
788
00:36:50,002 --> 00:36:52,004
And I'm going to town
on this mirror.
789
00:36:52,004 --> 00:36:54,464
My dad catches me.
He shows up
in the closet doorway.
790
00:36:54,464 --> 00:36:56,925
And I'm like, "Oh, shit.
I'm busted!" Right?
791
00:36:56,925 --> 00:37:01,889
And then I'm like,
"Wait, no. You're busted.
792
00:37:01,889 --> 00:37:06,435
You're the one
who raised a daughter
who's licking a cocaine mirror."
793
00:37:06,435 --> 00:37:09,605
Like, 'Et tu, Daddy?'"
You know?
794
00:37:10,898 --> 00:37:12,691
And he's all
disappointed, obviously.
795
00:37:12,691 --> 00:37:17,279
He's like, "Oh, fuck, Myka.
You like cocaine?"
And I had to be like,
796
00:37:17,279 --> 00:37:21,200
"Yeah, everybody does."
797
00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:26,455
And then he surprises me.
He's like, "Well,
do you want to do some?"
798
00:37:26,455 --> 00:37:30,751
And I'm like, "Mmm, no.
Just give me some."
799
00:37:32,085 --> 00:37:34,796
Like, I'm not gonna do coke
with Daddy.
800
00:37:34,796 --> 00:37:36,381
That's gross, you know?
801
00:37:36,381 --> 00:37:37,841
'Cause you know
when you're doing coke
regular style,
802
00:37:37,841 --> 00:37:39,176
not with your dad...
803
00:37:39,176 --> 00:37:42,221
[CROWD LAUGHS]
804
00:37:42,221 --> 00:37:46,016
You're at a bar
and you're all yakked out
and you start saying crazy shit
805
00:37:46,016 --> 00:37:47,476
you would never say
if you were sober.
806
00:37:47,476 --> 00:37:49,478
You know, going up to strangers,
being like,
807
00:37:49,478 --> 00:37:51,813
"You know, I was a virgin
when I graduated high school.
808
00:37:51,813 --> 00:37:54,233
And now I only fuck
professional hockey players."
809
00:37:55,359 --> 00:37:57,027
Or, like,
whatever is your truth.
810
00:37:57,027 --> 00:37:58,737
[CROWD LAUGHS]
811
00:37:58,737 --> 00:38:00,656
So I was like, I can't be
on coke around my dad.
812
00:38:00,656 --> 00:38:02,741
That conversation
could get super weird.
813
00:38:02,741 --> 00:38:04,409
You know, but he was, like,
really insistent.
814
00:38:04,409 --> 00:38:05,953
He's like,
"The first round's free."
815
00:38:05,953 --> 00:38:07,204
I'm like, "Fine."
816
00:38:09,164 --> 00:38:11,875
So, next thing you know,
he and I are raking lines
on the poker table
817
00:38:11,875 --> 00:38:14,044
that counts as a dinner table
when you're a divorced dad.
818
00:38:15,712 --> 00:38:18,215
And, sure enough,
we start having
that cokey conversation.
819
00:38:18,215 --> 00:38:21,218
It was so awkward.
Just line after line.
Just like...
820
00:38:22,094 --> 00:38:24,513
[MIMICS SNORTING]
821
00:38:25,681 --> 00:38:26,890
[GRUNTS]
822
00:38:26,890 --> 00:38:28,392
"Remember, Mom?"
823
00:38:28,392 --> 00:38:30,352
[CROWD LAUGHS]
824
00:38:30,352 --> 00:38:32,104
"The fuck was that about?"
825
00:38:34,481 --> 00:38:40,070
Um, cool. So, I agreed
to do this special
five days ago,
826
00:38:40,070 --> 00:38:41,780
which is kind of insane.
827
00:38:41,780 --> 00:38:43,574
But that's, like,
the type of thing
that happens in show business.
828
00:38:43,574 --> 00:38:45,492
It's just, like,
so hard to get ahead.
829
00:38:45,492 --> 00:38:48,787
And that's exactly the reason
why there's footage of me saying
the N-word.
830
00:38:48,787 --> 00:38:49,872
Don't leave!
831
00:38:51,498 --> 00:38:56,003
I was auditioning
for a sketch comedy show
832
00:38:56,003 --> 00:38:58,005
where that word
was required in the script.
833
00:38:58,005 --> 00:39:02,342
The show was written
by a Black person
and for Black people.
834
00:39:02,342 --> 00:39:05,304
Um, I legally can't say
which show it is.
835
00:39:05,304 --> 00:39:07,514
- It was Michael Che's
sketch show.
- [CROWD LAUGHS]
836
00:39:07,514 --> 00:39:09,141
The audition was to play
a Karen, too.
837
00:39:09,141 --> 00:39:10,726
And it was like... I was like,
"All right, fuck you."
838
00:39:10,726 --> 00:39:12,686
I thought I was
a little hipper than that,
but whatever.
839
00:39:12,686 --> 00:39:15,731
And it said in the script
that you had to say this.
840
00:39:15,731 --> 00:39:17,399
At first, it said
in the breakdown...
841
00:39:17,399 --> 00:39:19,568
That's like, where it tells you
what to do, for showbiz people.
842
00:39:19,568 --> 00:39:22,946
It says... It says,
"You must be comfortable
being racist."
843
00:39:22,946 --> 00:39:25,866
And I was like, "Yes. Great.
Totally." You know? Like...
844
00:39:25,866 --> 00:39:28,202
I'm like, "Listen..."
Like, I was like, "I'm Jewish."
845
00:39:28,202 --> 00:39:30,287
If they had said,
"You have to say the Holocaust
never happened,"
846
00:39:30,287 --> 00:39:32,748
I'd be like,
"Where do I sign for the check?"
847
00:39:32,748 --> 00:39:35,000
Uh, so I was like,
"Okay, great."
848
00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:39,671
And... And then they were like,
"You know, you have to...
you have to say it,
849
00:39:39,671 --> 00:39:43,509
the full word, in the audition
just to make sure."
850
00:39:43,509 --> 00:39:45,761
And I'm like, "Wait,
make sure of what?" You know?
851
00:39:45,761 --> 00:39:50,098
Like, that...
Like, when I get on set,
I'm not going to be like,
852
00:39:50,098 --> 00:39:52,976
"Get out of here,
you... nincompoop!"
853
00:39:52,976 --> 00:39:56,647
You know?
Like, just freak out. So...
854
00:39:56,647 --> 00:39:58,690
And this was happening
during COVID,
855
00:39:58,690 --> 00:40:02,027
and where we had to do...
You couldn't go
in to the audition anymore.
856
00:40:02,027 --> 00:40:04,154
You had to do
what's called a self-tape.
857
00:40:04,154 --> 00:40:09,409
And so that means
I had to set a camera up
in my home
858
00:40:09,409 --> 00:40:12,829
and say my lines
into the camera, right?
859
00:40:12,829 --> 00:40:19,628
So I... That meant I was at home
saying the N-word
over and over again
860
00:40:19,628 --> 00:40:22,631
until it sounded... good?
861
00:40:24,216 --> 00:40:26,343
I don't know.
And meanwhile, like, I'm in...
862
00:40:26,343 --> 00:40:28,053
I'm in Brooklyn.
I'm in a shitty apartment.
863
00:40:28,053 --> 00:40:30,764
The walls are thin.
I just know my neighbors
are walking around,
864
00:40:30,764 --> 00:40:34,351
like, hearing this,
just being like,
"I knew she was a Karen!"
865
00:40:34,351 --> 00:40:36,478
- You know?
- [CROWD LAUGHS]
866
00:40:36,478 --> 00:40:39,898
And then, you do the recording
and then you send it in
to the lady.
867
00:40:39,898 --> 00:40:41,608
And I shouldn't have sent it in,
you know?
868
00:40:41,608 --> 00:40:43,402
I could have just, like,
left that footage with me,
but I didn't.
869
00:40:43,402 --> 00:40:45,362
So I sent it in. And, meanwhile,
I'm like,
870
00:40:45,362 --> 00:40:49,533
"I wonder if they just took
every white comedian lady
saying the N-word,
871
00:40:49,533 --> 00:40:52,119
and they just, like,
released it all at once
as, like, blackmail?"
872
00:40:52,119 --> 00:40:53,495
Like, what if
they were gonna do that?
873
00:40:53,495 --> 00:40:56,623
It's like the Fappenning,
but for racists.
874
00:40:56,623 --> 00:41:00,627
And the worst part about it is,
I didn't even get the part.
875
00:41:00,627 --> 00:41:02,212
[CROWD LAUGHS]
876
00:41:02,212 --> 00:41:05,382
So now I'm sitting there like,
"Who said it better than me?"
877
00:41:05,382 --> 00:41:07,217
[CROWD LAUGHS]
878
00:41:07,217 --> 00:41:09,052
Okay, you guys,
thank you so much!
879
00:41:09,052 --> 00:41:10,304
I'm Myka Fox.
880
00:41:10,304 --> 00:41:12,181
- [CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
- [MUSIC PLAYING]