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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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- ["Reptilia" playing]
- [audience cheering]
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[announcer] All right, Boston.
Keep it going. Keep it going, guys.
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Keep it going. Come on.
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[cheering continues]
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Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Morril!
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Hello.
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How are you guys? Boston, hello.
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- [audience cheering]
- Hel-- Thank you. Uh-- All right.
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Ah, don't-- don't overdo it.
It's not gonna be that good, but--
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Not a good listener. I'm not a good--
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I'm not good in relationships.
Very bad at listening.
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You ever do this in a relationship?
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You ever pop an Adderall and,
uh, really listen?
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Hit 'em with that
performance-enhanced listen.
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Like a Viagra but for the relationship.
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Some would say more impressive.
What's really more impressive:
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A hard cock
or 45 straight minutes of "hmm"...
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"tell me more"?
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I'm dating a very nice woman right now.
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The other night, I come home from a gig,
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she's in my apartment
dressed as a schoolgirl.
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Which, uh, nice gesture,
not really my fetish.
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I-I picked her 'cause she's an adult.
That's a big part of it, and, uh...
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Also, she's older than me.
She doesn't even look like a schoolgirl.
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She looks more like a dumbass
that got held back 20 years.
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I'm like, "Oh, neat. I get to bang
a special ed all-star tonight.
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That's-- That's fun."
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We're sleeping together one night.
While we're doing it, I lost my erection.
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It's a-- a terrible moment.
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You know what I mean? It just slides out
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like a drunk being asked to leave the bar.
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And he's like, "I'll be back,"
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and everyone's like,
"I don't know, dude. I"--
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And she got insecure.
She was like, "Is it me?"
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And I was like, "Yeah.
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It's not your fault.
You're very attractive.
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It's just, we've done this a lot."
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You ever try to explain the situation,
and you make it ten times worse?
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I was like,
"Look, the penis is like a guard dog.
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For a stranger, it's gonna go crazy.
But..." [sighs]
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[audience laughing]
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"...with familiarity, it will soften."
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And she got angry.
She started screaming and cursing at me.
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And then I got hard again...
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so it could be me.
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Been on the road a lot.
Been traveling like crazy.
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I missed a gig in Vermont recently.
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I, uh-- I was flying from Texas
to Vermont. I had to connect in Philly.
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The flight attendants will never admit
you're gonna miss the connection.
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I told her. I was like, "I'm not gonna
make this." She goes, "Trust me."
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I said, "I'm looking at the live update."
She goes, "I think you'll be okay."
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I said, "All right."
So, we land in Philly at gate B2.
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My connection, F32.
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On my phone, it says we're boarding.
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So I just held up the phone to show her.
She looks at me and she goes, "Run."
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Now I'm that lunatic
sprinting through the airport.
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You've seen that guy.
You know it's hopeless.
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I get there just as the door is shutting,
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and I scream out, out of breath,
"Please don't shut the door."
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She looks right at me. "I'm so sorry."
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Right in my face.
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I said,
"I really need to get on that flight."
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And she goes, "There's nothing that
can be done now that the door is shut."
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I said, "It was you who shut it though.
Please. I've--
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I've got a gig tonight in Vermont.
I really need to make it."
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She goes, "You won't be making that."
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So, I ask her, "What do I do?"
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She goes, "I can get you a flight,
uh, Philly, Chicago, Vermont.
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You land at 10:30 p.m."
I said, "That doesn't help me."
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She goes,
"Well, I guess that's your only option."
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I said, "Let me think about it."
She goes, "It's boarding right now."
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I said, "I'll take it."
She goes, "All right. It's gate B4."
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- So...
- [audience laughing]
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...immediately I start sprinting.
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People saw me
who saw me run the other way.
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It's a humiliating moment.
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I get on the next flight by an eyelash.
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I should be grateful,
but I'm in the last row, middle seat.
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That's all they had. I'm fuming.
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I start pounding Bloody Marys.
Then I start drinking whiskey.
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Before I know it, I'm pretty drunk.
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And I tweet something along the lines of,
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"American Airlines. Decent airline.
Didn't appreciate being called a Jew boy."
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Did they actually say this?
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Look, I didn't hear it verbatim,
but they were incredibly rude.
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I'm not gonna rule out anti-Semitism.
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So, I get an email three days later.
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"We take claims like this very seriously.
We've conducted an internal investigation.
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In the meantime,
please enjoy 7,500 bonus points."
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Which, you know, sure,
I made up the Jew boy thing,
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but, still, 7,500 points
for a word that harmful
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feels like a-- a slap in the face.
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So I responded,
"Shame on you, anti-Semites."
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They wrote back, "We've decided
to give you an additional 7,500 points."
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I just picture them in the boardroom like,
"The N-word is worth 25,000.
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Um, Jew boy, you have to start low
'cause they will haggle with you.
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So, you know, that's, uh..."
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Yeah.
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Trying to drink less. It's--
It's interesting as you get older, right?
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In my 20s, I would get wasted.
I'd wake up the next morning hungover,
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like, "What did I say to that girl
last night?" You know?
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I wake up hungover now like,
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"Did I sign up for Paramount Plus
last night? What the--
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And Peacock? Oh, my God.
I got-- I got hammered."
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I got really drunk at a steak house
with my friend recently though, and, uh--
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You know, a few too many Manhattans.
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I get back to my apartment.
I'm on my phone.
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What pops up? It's a little girl
with cancer. It's horrible.
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I got emotional.
I got, like, visibly upset.
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I was like,
"This is messed up. Life is so unfair."
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I made a big donation to the charity.
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And then, I woke up the next morning like,
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"That is a bit more
than I would have given, honestly."
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That's a tough situation.
There's not a lot you can do.
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"Hello, American Express fraud department?
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Some piece of garbage stole my card.
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No, not the steak house.
Saint Jude's Children's Hospital, that's--
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that's the one
I'm trying to contest here."
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You know what a guilty pleasure is
when you're drunk? A cigarette.
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There's something very old-fashion bad
about it. I love it.
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You gotta respect the cigarette smoker.
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They are slowly killing themselves.
You gotta give 'em a nod. Yeah.
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Look at the dirtbags in this city.
I love it.
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So, cigarettes, there's something...
[stammers] ...I don't know.
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Like, they do make the vape people
look like pussies, don't they?
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There's something more trustworthy
about the cigarettes.
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You see a detective with a cigarette,
he's gonna find the missing girl.
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He's got a vape pen, she's fucking gone.
You know, it's--
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And he's gonna break the news to you
while breathing kiwi mango in your face.
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It's-- It's a double bummer.
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[chuckles]
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I'll tell you, the AI scares me.
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The-- You know,
the artificial intelligence,
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00:07:03,632 --> 00:07:05,676
this new tech, it's all crazy.
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They have wheelchairs now that
can be driven by neurological impulses.
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And I'm like, is that good?
I can't control my thoughts.
139
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Some guy's gonna be in a wheelchair
like, "That is a hot piece of ass.
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Wheelchair, no.
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It's the-- It's the wheelchair's fault."
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How about sex robots?
What do you think? You think you'd do it?
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- [audience member] No.
- Nah? Just me? All right.
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Guess what.
You think you won't, but you might.
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I think it's gonna be like cell phones.
Even if you're broke,
146
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you're gonna be like,
"I need a sex robot."
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But if you're really broke,
you will get a lower-end model.
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Like, maybe while you're fucking it,
you get ads.
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You're balls deep in the robot,
all of a sudden you hear...
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♪ Liberty, Liberty, Liberty ♪
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[audience laughing, applauding]
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But I'm gone a lot. I'm on the road a lot.
153
00:07:59,438 --> 00:08:01,607
It is very hard to have a connection
with a human being
154
00:08:01,607 --> 00:08:03,358
when you're always connecting
through the phone.
155
00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:05,277
It's just not easy
to be in a relationship.
156
00:08:05,277 --> 00:08:07,154
For years, I remember,
I'd meet girls on apps.
157
00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:08,530
I met a girl on one of the apps once.
158
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In her profile,
it said "anti-human trafficking."
159
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Didn't know we had to announce it,
but I've never been burned on that one.
160
00:08:18,123 --> 00:08:19,333
I'm on date number four like,
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"Oh, you're pro-trafficking.
Oh, okay. [stammers] Nah, it's cool."
162
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[stammers] I'm still trying to get laid.
"Nah, I like that. That's very, um, cool."
163
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I'm messaging with this woman.
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We haven't even met in person yet,
but we're texting a lot
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'cause I'm gone all the time on the road.
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She's texting me
these very sexual messages,
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each one crazier than the last.
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She sends me one at one point,
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a guy's getting blown with a finger
in his butt, a woman's finger.
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And, uh, I was shocked, but, you know,
shout-out to in-flight Wi-Fi.
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00:08:46,944 --> 00:08:48,654
It did come through crystal clear, and...
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Still a shocking text to get
at 30,000 feet in the sky.
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Underneath, she writes,
"Do you want this to happen to you?"
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So, you know,
I meet her for a drink and, uh--
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I would've turned the plane around
if I could,
176
00:09:01,959 --> 00:09:04,211
but I had to wait a couple days.
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00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,922
We're having drinks.
She shows me, on the date,
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00:09:06,922 --> 00:09:09,216
I'd say 157 pictures of her dog.
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And I was like, different energy
than the other day, but that's okay.
180
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But you know, I'm playing along.
I was like, "He's very cute."
181
00:09:16,348 --> 00:09:18,642
And she goes, "That's it?
Can't you fake it a little bit?"
182
00:09:18,642 --> 00:09:21,561
And I was like,
"That was me faking it, honestly. Um..."
183
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But we get drunker and drunker.
184
00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:26,275
And at one point, she goes, uh,
"I have a weird fetish."
185
00:09:26,275 --> 00:09:27,526
And I said, "All right."
186
00:09:27,526 --> 00:09:30,028
She goes, "I really like to pee on men."
187
00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:32,155
And I said, "Excuse me?"
188
00:09:32,155 --> 00:09:34,741
She goes, "It would make me really wet
if I could pee on you."
189
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:38,328
I said, "I think it would make me
pretty wet if you peed on me."
190
00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:40,914
She goes,
"Would you let me do that to you?"
191
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:43,792
And I was like... [scoffs]
..."Yeah, what the fuck. You only--
192
00:09:44,501 --> 00:09:46,837
You only live once.
What am I, an elitist?"
193
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,882
She starts pointing and laughing at me,
and I asked her what the hell's so funny.
194
00:09:50,882 --> 00:09:53,677
She goes, "It was a joke.
I was making a joke.
195
00:09:53,677 --> 00:09:56,513
I can't believe you would let someone
do that to you. Clearly, that was a joke."
196
00:09:56,513 --> 00:09:58,932
And I was like,
"That's-- That's not a good joke.
197
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:03,103
That's not standard humor, is--
is you fake a fetish,
198
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:05,981
the other person bites, and then
you point and laugh and shame them.
199
00:10:05,981 --> 00:10:08,900
That's not-- That's not great."
200
00:10:09,985 --> 00:10:12,237
She goes, "I guess it wasn't very nice."
I said, "It's all right."
201
00:10:12,237 --> 00:10:14,323
She goes, "I'm gonna make it up to you."
I said, "Really?"
202
00:10:14,323 --> 00:10:16,992
She goes, "Whatever your actual fetish is,
I'm gonna do it to you tonight."
203
00:10:16,992 --> 00:10:18,618
And I said, "Anything?"
She goes, "Anything."
204
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:21,955
I was like, "All right. It would
really turn me on if we murdered your dog.
205
00:10:23,498 --> 00:10:24,499
That'd be cool.
206
00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:29,963
Or at least took a pee on your dog.
207
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:33,300
I feel like your dog should suffer
for what I've been through,
208
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:34,468
is what I think."
209
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:36,136
[chuckles]
210
00:10:37,179 --> 00:10:40,432
My last s-special, I had a joke
that went viral. It was a trans joke.
211
00:10:40,432 --> 00:10:42,851
It was a pretty positive joke,
but when a joke goes viral,
212
00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:44,978
as a comedian, at first you're like,
"Hell yeah."
213
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:47,898
And then a second later, you're like,
"This could be bad for me. I--"
214
00:10:48,940 --> 00:10:51,735
I was watching people weigh in
in real time. A lot of them were trans.
215
00:10:51,735 --> 00:10:54,112
The first trans person was like,
"This is how you do it."
216
00:10:54,112 --> 00:10:56,239
And I was like,
"Consummate professional over here.
217
00:10:56,239 --> 00:10:57,741
That's what I do."
218
00:10:57,741 --> 00:11:00,535
The next trans person was like,
"This is our guy now."
219
00:11:00,535 --> 00:11:01,870
And I was like, "Uh-oh."
220
00:11:05,499 --> 00:11:07,751
I support. You don't want me to be
the voice of the movement.
221
00:11:07,751 --> 00:11:08,919
I'm fairly dumb.
222
00:11:09,419 --> 00:11:10,587
The next trans person writes,
223
00:11:10,587 --> 00:11:14,591
"He's my least favorite comedian.
And yes, I am familiar with his work."
224
00:11:14,591 --> 00:11:17,094
And I was like,
"That last part bothered me, honestly."
225
00:11:18,512 --> 00:11:21,973
He keeps hammering me.
"Sam Morril sucks. He's the worst."
226
00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:24,851
And, you know, I never do this, but I'm
bored on the road. I click on the profile.
227
00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:29,439
I kid you not, it's someone who tried
to aggressively cancel me in 2013
228
00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:30,857
because she hated my jokes.
229
00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:34,486
And yes, I just said she.
He used to be a she. Who cares?
230
00:11:34,486 --> 00:11:39,658
But every post now is, "Sam Morril's
the worst. He made bad jokes in 2013."
231
00:11:39,658 --> 00:11:43,662
So, finally, I responded and I wrote,
"But you know that people can change."
232
00:11:43,662 --> 00:11:45,747
[audience laughing]
233
00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:48,375
[audience cheering, applauding]
234
00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:50,460
"You"-- [chuckles]
235
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:56,133
"You were a woman. It's not possible
I'm a slightly different dude?
236
00:11:56,133 --> 00:11:57,551
Let's be fair here. You know?"
237
00:12:01,263 --> 00:12:02,931
People get so weird with the trans stuff.
238
00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:04,850
How angry people were about the--
239
00:12:04,850 --> 00:12:08,395
the partnership Bud Light made
with the trans woman, Dylan Mulvaney.
240
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:12,232
I will say this, shame on Bud Light
for pretending to be good people.
241
00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:14,568
That did-- That did bother me.
242
00:12:15,485 --> 00:12:18,405
That Bud Light's like,
"Guys, before you guzzle 17 of these
243
00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:23,785
and then drive home and sneak into
your kid's room in the middle of the night
244
00:12:23,785 --> 00:12:25,871
to beat the shit out of him for no reason,
245
00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:31,001
take a moment to stop
and celebrate a trans trailblazer. That--
246
00:12:32,586 --> 00:12:34,171
That's what we do at Bud Light."
247
00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:37,090
Anyone who was really pissed
248
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:40,010
that Dylan Mulvaney
was on the Bud Light can, get a life.
249
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,847
l-- I like that
she was on the can, personally.
250
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,266
I did. Because I would look at it,
251
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:49,769
and when I would find her attractive,
I would know that I can't drive home. So...
252
00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:54,483
For me, it provided a service and--
253
00:12:56,026 --> 00:12:59,029
Yeah. If you don't like that one,
you're kind of pro-drunk driving too.
254
00:12:59,029 --> 00:13:01,323
So it-- You're in a pickle.
255
00:13:04,075 --> 00:13:05,202
It is interesting to see
256
00:13:05,202 --> 00:13:07,787
all these streamers
all of a sudden become, like, allies.
257
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,706
Have you noticed that? Like Netflix, Hulu,
258
00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:12,792
whichever one doesn't buy
this next special, they--
259
00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:16,296
Whatever group is most marginalized
that month, they're like,
260
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:21,134
"Oh, please enjoy our selection
of #EndAsianHate classics,
261
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:24,221
featuring all the essentials."
And you see they have nothing.
262
00:13:24,221 --> 00:13:28,225
They're like, "Uh, Harold & Kumar 2:
Escape from Guantanamo Bay.
263
00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:31,394
And don't forget about trans awareness.
264
00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:34,898
That's why we got Mrs. Doubtfire
all month long. So..."
265
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:40,028
Netflix put Dahmer under LGBT,
266
00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:43,740
which, I saw that
and I was like... [exclaims]
267
00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:47,410
You know someone high-up was like,
"They'll appreciate it.
268
00:13:48,078 --> 00:13:51,414
You guys know gay icon,
uh, Jeffrey Dahmer?
269
00:13:52,791 --> 00:13:54,709
Instrumental in the movement."
270
00:13:58,296 --> 00:14:00,090
But then you see companies
go the other way with it.
271
00:14:00,090 --> 00:14:02,634
Like, Chick-fil-A was
the first one I noticed,
272
00:14:02,634 --> 00:14:05,845
years ago, out of nowhere, was just like,
"We're against gay marriage."
273
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,430
And I think most people were like,
274
00:14:07,430 --> 00:14:10,475
"You make chicken though, right?
You didn't have to say anything.
275
00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:12,352
Just a strange thing to announce."
276
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:14,521
If you wanna break out
the social commentary,
277
00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:17,023
maybe work it into an ad
so there's context.
278
00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:20,026
Like, "We at Chick-fil-A
are against a woman's right to choose
279
00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:25,532
unless she's choosing a spicy chicken
biscuit breakfast sandwich,
280
00:14:26,366 --> 00:14:28,201
in which case, choose away, ladies."
281
00:14:29,411 --> 00:14:30,704
All right. You guys are a good crowd.
282
00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:32,789
You know what?
You deserve some abortion jokes.
283
00:14:32,789 --> 00:14:36,001
- [audience cheering, applauding]
- Yeah.
284
00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:38,086
[chuckles]
285
00:14:39,462 --> 00:14:42,882
Hey. Hey. You earned it.
286
00:14:45,051 --> 00:14:47,846
Some states wanna make abortion
a class A felony.
287
00:14:47,846 --> 00:14:50,682
You know what else is
a class A felony? Kidnapping.
288
00:14:51,433 --> 00:14:53,935
Isn't that crazy? Those people want kids.
289
00:14:59,858 --> 00:15:02,319
I say we introduce them to each other
a month prior,
290
00:15:02,319 --> 00:15:03,987
we save a lot of people a headache.
291
00:15:07,532 --> 00:15:12,287
Look, I'm a very spiritual man and...
[sighs] ...I believe in reincarnation.
292
00:15:13,496 --> 00:15:15,123
Yeah, you could tell by my energy, right?
293
00:15:16,166 --> 00:15:17,292
I believe in reincarnation.
294
00:15:17,292 --> 00:15:19,294
I think if you're an unwanted,
aborted fetus,
295
00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:23,673
you will someday come back as
that guy at parties where everyone's like,
296
00:15:23,673 --> 00:15:24,758
"He's here."
297
00:15:28,011 --> 00:15:32,223
Still unwanted, but in a new form.
So that's-- that's fun.
298
00:15:34,893 --> 00:15:36,728
Here's one I might lose some of you on.
299
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:40,273
Why is it always the most pro-life people
300
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:42,776
who are the ones
who leave the babies in the hot car?
301
00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:46,029
Have you noticed that?
302
00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:51,201
Every time, they're like, "Life
is precious, but so is Walmart." So...
303
00:15:52,327 --> 00:15:55,413
You better hope it's not a Super Walmart,
or that baby's toast.
304
00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:58,708
Too many options in the Super Walmart.
305
00:15:58,708 --> 00:16:01,086
You walk in like, "I'm gonna get
some sporting goods, some groceries,
306
00:16:01,086 --> 00:16:02,504
maybe some clothes while I'm here."
307
00:16:02,504 --> 00:16:05,173
Then you get to the baby clothes,
and you're like, "Shit."
308
00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:10,470
You gotta walk up to the register like,
"One extra bag, please."
309
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:14,391
[audience laughing, cheering]
310
00:16:14,391 --> 00:16:15,600
Yeah, I know.
311
00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:18,687
[chuckles] That's--
312
00:16:20,772 --> 00:16:22,691
That one always pisses off
the environmentalists.
313
00:16:22,691 --> 00:16:25,443
But you can't be scared as a comedian,
you know? You really gotta--
314
00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:30,365
[chuckles] I love that I'm getting
applause breaks on dead baby jokes
315
00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:33,159
in a room that has a chandelier.
316
00:16:34,369 --> 00:16:35,704
This venue has history, and I'm like,
317
00:16:35,704 --> 00:16:38,206
"You guys wanna hear
another dead baby joke?"
318
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:40,083
[chuckles]
319
00:16:41,376 --> 00:16:43,545
Oh, yeah. [laughs]
320
00:16:43,545 --> 00:16:46,840
[stammers] I do like kids.
I have a nephew. He's a cute kid.
321
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:48,925
The other day he goes,
"Uncle Sam, you wanna play a game?"
322
00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:51,344
I said, "You got it."
He goes, "All right. Would you rather--"
323
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:52,846
I was like, "Uh-oh."
324
00:16:53,430 --> 00:16:55,807
He goes, "Would you rather
get chased by a grizzly bear
325
00:16:55,807 --> 00:16:57,642
or have to swim from a shark?"
326
00:16:57,642 --> 00:17:00,311
And I was like, "If I had to choose,
I guess chased by a grizzly bear."
327
00:17:00,311 --> 00:17:01,980
And he goes, "Well, you'd be dead."
328
00:17:03,231 --> 00:17:05,483
Five years old,
these are the games they're playing.
329
00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:07,235
Then he goes, "Your turn."
I was like, "All right.
330
00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:09,654
Would you rather be a sex slave to a pedo
331
00:17:11,322 --> 00:17:13,867
or get chased by a grizzly bear?"
332
00:17:14,826 --> 00:17:16,494
He was like, "Sex slave to a pedo."
333
00:17:16,494 --> 00:17:18,246
And I said,
"I think that's the move for you,
334
00:17:18,246 --> 00:17:21,332
because you can bounce back
from that, you know?"
335
00:17:26,004 --> 00:17:27,088
Smart kid.
336
00:17:30,133 --> 00:17:31,968
I have a niece as well. Very young.
337
00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:34,179
You hang out with these young kids,
you gotta let them pick the movie.
338
00:17:34,179 --> 00:17:36,598
So I was like, "Hey, you wanna watch
Pulp Fiction or Django Unchained?
339
00:17:36,598 --> 00:17:37,682
It's your choice."
340
00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:42,771
She wanted to watch Sesame Street.
Classic. I watched it growing up.
341
00:17:42,771 --> 00:17:44,647
I feel like these kid shows,
when I was young, though,
342
00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:46,065
they felt a bit more escapist.
343
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:49,152
And now even kid shows,
they sneak in a political agenda.
344
00:17:49,152 --> 00:17:50,904
They sneak it in, but I catch it.
345
00:17:52,113 --> 00:17:54,699
One of the Muppets was like,
"Leaving home is hard."
346
00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:57,786
The other one goes, "It sure is."
And I was like, "Immigration."
347
00:17:59,537 --> 00:18:01,706
Left-wing propaganda for children.
348
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:05,919
Harder to make a republican kid show,
but that's the one I wanna see, you know?
349
00:18:05,919 --> 00:18:08,171
Big Bird is just like, "Look,
some of these Muppets come here
350
00:18:08,171 --> 00:18:10,673
and they rape our women, and--
351
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:13,593
and I'm scared,
352
00:18:14,177 --> 00:18:16,429
and I fear change on Sesame Street."
353
00:18:19,724 --> 00:18:23,728
The news is so upsetting now, with
the war, so violent, so much bloodshed.
354
00:18:23,728 --> 00:18:25,396
It-- It really makes you long for the days
355
00:18:25,396 --> 00:18:27,398
of Paul Pelosi
getting beat in the head with a hammer.
356
00:18:27,398 --> 00:18:30,318
Those were-- were simpler times.
357
00:18:30,902 --> 00:18:32,487
We didn't know how good we had it.
358
00:18:34,572 --> 00:18:37,033
I was watching Fox News when that
story broke, and I have to give them...
359
00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:38,868
- [audience member] Boo!
- [chuckles] ...a lot of credit.
360
00:18:40,078 --> 00:18:43,164
[stammers] Person who doesn't know
there's a joke coming. There's a--
361
00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:44,999
Boo!
362
00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:48,002
It's a comedy show.
It's-- There's gonna be a turn.
363
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:50,922
Where were you on the dead baby chunk?
364
00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:58,221
[chuckles] Totally strange.
365
00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:01,808
"Boo!
366
00:19:02,851 --> 00:19:05,854
I choose odd times to take a stand."
367
00:19:08,231 --> 00:19:10,650
- [audience member] I'm sorry!
- [chuckles] I-- It's all right.
368
00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:12,694
I've never heard a woman say that before.
369
00:19:12,694 --> 00:19:14,779
Let me take a second here.
Hold on. I gotta--
370
00:19:19,367 --> 00:19:20,952
I, uh-- [chuckles]
371
00:19:22,453 --> 00:19:25,248
I was watching Fox News
when the Paul Pelosi story broke,
372
00:19:25,248 --> 00:19:27,333
and I have to give them a lot of credit
for handling it with a lot of class
373
00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:29,377
by immediately coming on
and calling him a homosexual.
374
00:19:29,377 --> 00:19:31,045
I thought that was very cool.
375
00:19:31,045 --> 00:19:34,757
An 80-something-year-old man's
in the ER, his condition's unknown,
376
00:19:34,757 --> 00:19:37,844
Tucker Carlson comes on like,
"I think he's gay.
377
00:19:39,137 --> 00:19:43,141
Don't just take it from me. We have
a special expert correspondent."
378
00:19:44,058 --> 00:19:47,896
"Thank you, Tucker. Uh,
my takeaway is that--" [imitates gagging]
379
00:19:49,272 --> 00:19:51,816
I wish Fox News was around in the 1800s.
380
00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:56,321
President Lincoln has been
assassinated at the theater.
381
00:19:59,657 --> 00:20:03,411
Was Honest Abe being honest
with himself? I don't know.
382
00:20:04,078 --> 00:20:06,456
Definitely the first time
he took a shot in the back of the head.
383
00:20:06,456 --> 00:20:07,749
So, that guy...
384
00:20:09,918 --> 00:20:11,002
kinda gay.
385
00:20:15,506 --> 00:20:16,507
[chuckles]
386
00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:23,097
It is depressing watching the news, 'cause
you're like, "This ain't gonna be good."
387
00:20:23,097 --> 00:20:25,350
You know?
Trump and Biden, it's pretty depre--
388
00:20:25,350 --> 00:20:28,686
[stammers] Objectively,
it is funny, if you're not American.
389
00:20:28,686 --> 00:20:31,522
But if you live here, you're like,
"This is unfortunate, for sure."
390
00:20:32,106 --> 00:20:34,525
Trump versus Biden
is kind of like a drunk driver
391
00:20:34,525 --> 00:20:37,028
versus a guy
who keeps falling asleep at the wheel.
392
00:20:38,529 --> 00:20:41,449
They're like, "That guy's awake."
You're like, "He's not. He's not awake."
393
00:20:42,867 --> 00:20:45,370
The point is, you ain't getting home.
It ain't good.
394
00:20:46,287 --> 00:20:48,623
I was talking to my friend
about Trump the other day.
395
00:20:48,623 --> 00:20:51,876
He goes, "He's a malignant narcissist."
And I was like, "What do you mean?"
396
00:20:51,876 --> 00:20:53,670
He goes, "He only
likes people who like him."
397
00:20:53,670 --> 00:20:58,758
And I was like, "Ah, guess I'm a malignant
narcissist. That's, uh..." [chuckles]
398
00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:00,259
If Vladimir Putin tweeted,
399
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:02,762
"You gotta check out
the new Sam Morril comedy special,"
400
00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:06,683
I think I'd be like, "Look,
he is a complicated man. And..."
401
00:21:06,683 --> 00:21:09,519
[audience laughing]
402
00:21:09,519 --> 00:21:12,772
So many of these stories
now break on social media,
403
00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:14,649
and then you see
the comments come flooding in,
404
00:21:14,649 --> 00:21:16,359
and you realize how dumb we are.
405
00:21:16,359 --> 00:21:18,569
We're not far
from a country getting nuked,
406
00:21:18,569 --> 00:21:22,073
and the first comment being like,
"Yo, they fucked around and found out."
407
00:21:24,784 --> 00:21:27,286
Instagram is a ridiculous place.
408
00:21:27,954 --> 00:21:30,498
You see people at their absolute highest
and their absolute lowest.
409
00:21:30,498 --> 00:21:33,584
Guess which one upsets you more?
It's the people thriving.
410
00:21:33,584 --> 00:21:36,462
'Cause someone struggling,
you're like, "Hang in there, buddy."
411
00:21:36,462 --> 00:21:39,090
Then you see another guy, he's like,
"I just got a promotion at work,
412
00:21:39,090 --> 00:21:42,301
got the best wife in the world
and I love my little girl."
413
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:45,555
I'm sitting on the toilet hungover,
like, "Fuck this motherfucker.
414
00:21:46,347 --> 00:21:48,182
You think you're better than me, dude?"
415
00:21:50,727 --> 00:21:54,647
I saw a woman on Instagram
doing an ad for a vibrator recently.
416
00:21:54,647 --> 00:21:57,942
Not a porn star,
just a regular person doing an ad.
417
00:21:57,942 --> 00:22:00,486
Had a really subtle name too.
I think it was called The Clit Sucker.
418
00:22:00,486 --> 00:22:01,612
And, uh,
419
00:22:02,363 --> 00:22:04,824
she was like, "Ever since
I discovered this little gadget here,
420
00:22:04,824 --> 00:22:06,743
my life has really turned around."
421
00:22:06,743 --> 00:22:09,078
The comments were warm and receptive.
422
00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:12,832
Not a lot of men doing paid
promotional masturbation ads, huh?
423
00:22:12,832 --> 00:22:14,625
You're not gonna see me on Instagram,
424
00:22:14,625 --> 00:22:17,920
"Aveeno is the only lotion
that makes me come."
425
00:22:20,381 --> 00:22:22,842
Aveeno immediately hits me
with a cease and desist.
426
00:22:22,842 --> 00:22:25,344
Like, "You gotta--
You gotta cut that out."
427
00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:27,013
I'm like, "Sorry, Aveeno."
428
00:22:28,431 --> 00:22:31,100
It's 'cause women are less creepy
than men, so you get to do that.
429
00:22:31,100 --> 00:22:33,853
You get paid masturbation-ad privilege.
430
00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:36,564
'Cause I feel like women masturbate
like it's a nice thing to do,
431
00:22:36,564 --> 00:22:38,483
and I masturbate
like I got bit by a snake,
432
00:22:38,483 --> 00:22:40,735
and I need to get
the poison out immediately.
433
00:22:44,447 --> 00:22:46,741
I feel like women are in bed like,
"I suppose I could."
434
00:22:46,741 --> 00:22:49,660
I'm standing over the sink like,
"I've got a Zoom call in five.
435
00:22:49,660 --> 00:22:53,998
Let's try to morph back into a human
quickly. That would be nice."
436
00:22:55,208 --> 00:22:57,293
I don't even judge
public masturbators anymore.
437
00:22:57,293 --> 00:22:59,212
I'm like, "I think that guy's late
for a meeting, probably.
438
00:22:59,212 --> 00:23:01,297
That's a-- That's a good man."
439
00:23:02,256 --> 00:23:04,300
I do love this country though.
I really do.
440
00:23:04,300 --> 00:23:08,054
I-- I travel. I see a lot of parts that
I maybe wouldn't see if I didn't do this.
441
00:23:08,054 --> 00:23:11,390
And I was recently in, uh,
Springfield, Missouri.
442
00:23:11,390 --> 00:23:12,600
Fired guns at the range.
443
00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:14,894
That's-- That's not a normal thing
for a New York Jew.
444
00:23:14,894 --> 00:23:16,354
We don't do that growing up.
445
00:23:16,354 --> 00:23:19,607
The only weapons we really saw,
like, maybe a ninja star in Chinatown,
446
00:23:19,607 --> 00:23:22,485
but that's not
a great self-defense weapon.
447
00:23:23,486 --> 00:23:26,197
But we're firing guns at the range.
It's pretty cool, you know?
448
00:23:26,197 --> 00:23:28,574
Guns are very controversial.
They're a lot like babies.
449
00:23:28,574 --> 00:23:32,662
They are easy to hate,
but then you hold one, and you're like,
450
00:23:32,662 --> 00:23:36,332
"I kind of get it, dude.
It really-- It's pretty cool."
451
00:23:37,083 --> 00:23:38,084
[chuckles]
452
00:23:38,626 --> 00:23:42,338
That's my theory. Guns are like babies,
both annoying on airplanes.
453
00:23:44,882 --> 00:23:47,426
[chuckles] You date someone new,
you find out they have either,
454
00:23:47,426 --> 00:23:49,512
you're like,
"This could be a problem for me."
455
00:23:50,138 --> 00:23:52,765
And both will be in a school soon.
So, you know...
456
00:23:56,185 --> 00:23:58,020
Guys, not all the jokes are happy.
457
00:23:58,855 --> 00:24:01,816
Some of them just work mathematically.
They're not...
458
00:24:03,985 --> 00:24:07,405
My favorite gun enthusiast is the one
who's like, "It's for emergencies only."
459
00:24:07,405 --> 00:24:10,158
Then you see his profile pic
on social media. He's like...
460
00:24:11,826 --> 00:24:14,120
"Oh, shit." [chuckles]
461
00:24:14,745 --> 00:24:17,999
It's only for emergencies. You never
see a guy who's holding an EpiPen.
462
00:24:20,668 --> 00:24:22,670
Hope it doesn't come to this,
463
00:24:24,422 --> 00:24:27,842
but if I accidentally chew a peanut,
I will use this.
464
00:24:29,343 --> 00:24:32,722
Not a lot of guns in New York City,
which is-- is probably for the best.
465
00:24:32,722 --> 00:24:35,892
It's densely populated.
The people are pretty unhinged.
466
00:24:37,101 --> 00:24:38,603
But they don't have a gun, you can assume,
467
00:24:38,603 --> 00:24:40,354
so you're like,
"I can get some of my anger out.
468
00:24:40,354 --> 00:24:42,356
He probably-- He's not carrying."
You know?
469
00:24:42,356 --> 00:24:44,317
You use it as, like,
fast-track therapy almost.
470
00:24:44,317 --> 00:24:46,903
You bump a stranger, and you're like,
"Watch where you're going, dickhead."
471
00:24:46,903 --> 00:24:48,529
He's like, "Fuck you, dweeb."
472
00:24:48,529 --> 00:24:52,033
And then you turn to each other
as you're walking away, like, "Good sesh."
473
00:24:54,785 --> 00:24:56,495
I was on the subway
the other day in New York.
474
00:24:56,495 --> 00:25:00,583
I accidentally made eye contact with
a crazy person. That's a terrible moment.
475
00:25:01,125 --> 00:25:04,795
As a man, that is the closest you come
to feeling like a woman in a bar.
476
00:25:06,672 --> 00:25:09,926
Like, "Oh, no, we locked eyes,
and now he's coming toward me,
477
00:25:09,926 --> 00:25:12,094
which is not what I wanted."
478
00:25:13,596 --> 00:25:16,349
He sits next to me on the train,
puts his hand on my leg.
479
00:25:16,349 --> 00:25:17,516
There's nothing you can say.
480
00:25:17,516 --> 00:25:20,811
You can't be like, "Oh,
I don't like that, when people do that.
481
00:25:20,811 --> 00:25:22,813
I don't feel safe right now."
482
00:25:22,813 --> 00:25:25,733
So, I had to get up. I walk away.
I put my hand on the pole.
483
00:25:25,733 --> 00:25:28,903
He follows me, puts his hand
right above mine, so it's touching.
484
00:25:28,903 --> 00:25:31,072
He's just staring at me.
Everyone on the train's watching,
485
00:25:31,072 --> 00:25:32,782
but they're not watching
like they're gonna help.
486
00:25:32,782 --> 00:25:34,909
They're watching like,
"Thank God he chose you.
487
00:25:34,909 --> 00:25:37,995
That-- That could have been a problem."
488
00:25:40,498 --> 00:25:41,832
The city will eat away at you.
489
00:25:41,832 --> 00:25:44,335
It's-- [stammers] You gotta get out
of New York every once in a while,
490
00:25:44,335 --> 00:25:46,712
because, at a certain point,
you just become a lunatic.
491
00:25:46,712 --> 00:25:48,214
You're around these people all the time.
492
00:25:48,214 --> 00:25:49,840
And what really upsets me about New York
493
00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:52,218
is you can't really find
a yellow cab easily anymore.
494
00:25:52,218 --> 00:25:54,762
'Cause Uber and Lyft come into town,
they kill 'em.
495
00:25:54,762 --> 00:25:56,806
4:00 a.m. comes around.
I can't find a yellow cab.
496
00:25:56,806 --> 00:25:58,641
I refuse to take the Ubers or Lyfts.
497
00:25:58,641 --> 00:26:00,393
Dudes start rolling up on you
in their own car.
498
00:26:00,393 --> 00:26:02,478
No affiliation with a car service.
499
00:26:02,478 --> 00:26:03,938
Just a guy trying to make a buck,
500
00:26:03,938 --> 00:26:06,357
dipping his head out the window,
"Where you going?"
501
00:26:06,941 --> 00:26:11,570
So, you know, I give him my home address,
and, uh, he goes, "$60."
502
00:26:11,570 --> 00:26:13,656
And I'm like,
"I'm not paying you $60. It's two miles."
503
00:26:13,656 --> 00:26:15,408
He goes, "You fucking pussy."
504
00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:17,952
I said, "You're a lowlife."
He goes, "You loser."
505
00:26:17,952 --> 00:26:20,288
I said, "You're the loser,
you're driving around alone at 4:00 a.m."
506
00:26:20,288 --> 00:26:23,708
He goes, "You're a bigger loser.
You walk alone at 4:00 a.m."
507
00:26:23,708 --> 00:26:26,460
I said, "I hope your car crashes
and it bursts into flames."
508
00:26:26,460 --> 00:26:27,753
He goes, "I hope you get robbed
509
00:26:27,753 --> 00:26:30,256
and beaten in the head with a pipe
and sodomized."
510
00:26:31,424 --> 00:26:33,926
I go, "Eat shit." He goes, "Fuck you."
511
00:26:33,926 --> 00:26:37,013
And then we paused, and I was like, "$50."
512
00:26:41,434 --> 00:26:42,685
And he's like, "All right."
513
00:26:43,728 --> 00:26:46,772
I got in the car and, as he's dropping me
off at home, I tipped him out ten.
514
00:26:46,772 --> 00:26:48,691
He was scrappy, you know? But...
515
00:26:51,485 --> 00:26:53,404
Problem is, you gotta
get out of New York sometimes
516
00:26:53,404 --> 00:26:56,157
'cause that energy
will take years off your life.
517
00:26:56,157 --> 00:26:58,784
That constant... [chuckling]
...fight-or-flight energy.
518
00:26:58,784 --> 00:27:01,078
I was doing a gig in London recently.
My girlfriend was like,
519
00:27:01,078 --> 00:27:03,998
"Please, after this, can we go somewhere
where you're not doing comedy?"
520
00:27:03,998 --> 00:27:06,250
I was like, "You got it.
After this, we will go to Greece.
521
00:27:06,250 --> 00:27:08,210
I'll be a normal guy,
sitting by the pool in black socks,
522
00:27:08,210 --> 00:27:10,046
reading a book about Hitler."
She was like, "All right.
523
00:27:10,046 --> 00:27:12,298
That's as good as it's gonna get,
I guess. I don't..."
524
00:27:13,966 --> 00:27:16,635
We're going there. What happens
as we're going from London to Greece?
525
00:27:16,635 --> 00:27:18,721
First thing that happens,
I'm going through security,
526
00:27:18,721 --> 00:27:20,973
they take my lube. [chuckles]
527
00:27:20,973 --> 00:27:24,685
It was my fault. It was too big a lube.
I rolled the dice. I live dangerously.
528
00:27:25,186 --> 00:27:27,855
But it was the way he took it.
He didn't say, "I'm taking this."
529
00:27:27,855 --> 00:27:31,025
He loudly went,
"I am confiscating your lube."
530
00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:35,363
And I'm not proud of how I responded.
I said, "But I need it.
531
00:27:36,364 --> 00:27:37,531
Please."
532
00:27:40,368 --> 00:27:43,371
We get there, she's like,
"I am so hungry. I need to eat."
533
00:27:43,371 --> 00:27:44,955
You gotta feed your girlfriends, guys.
534
00:27:44,955 --> 00:27:46,457
They don't know how to do it on their own.
535
00:27:46,457 --> 00:27:49,293
They-- I don't know what she does
when I'm not around.
536
00:27:49,293 --> 00:27:53,923
I think she just says, "I'm hungry,"
and-- and it just disappears in the air.
537
00:27:53,923 --> 00:27:56,425
And she just sits there,
cold and starving. I don't--
538
00:27:57,343 --> 00:28:01,347
I'm not trying to generalize,
but I do feel like all women, uh...
539
00:28:03,891 --> 00:28:07,728
All of you who have ever lived,
you get very cranky when you're hungry.
540
00:28:07,728 --> 00:28:11,565
It must be tough to date a woman in
a third-world country, I would think. I--
541
00:28:12,858 --> 00:28:16,362
I feel like every boyfriend there
is like, "This is bullshit."
542
00:28:22,076 --> 00:28:25,329
We get to a restaurant, in walks
a woman with enormous fake breasts,
543
00:28:25,329 --> 00:28:26,789
and you better believe I looked.
544
00:28:26,789 --> 00:28:29,625
And she was not... [chuckling] ...happy.
545
00:28:29,625 --> 00:28:31,585
My girlfriend.
I don't think the woman noticed.
546
00:28:31,585 --> 00:28:34,547
But my girlfriend goes,
"Oh, that's what you like?"
547
00:28:34,547 --> 00:28:37,299
I said, "I wish it were that simple,
you know?
548
00:28:37,299 --> 00:28:39,385
You're better than her,
but that's not how it works.
549
00:28:39,385 --> 00:28:41,345
You're a Michelin-star restaurant,
but I'm a man.
550
00:28:41,345 --> 00:28:43,472
I see a Panda Express, I look."
551
00:28:43,472 --> 00:28:47,476
And then one day you're alone,
that's all you eat, is Panda Express.
552
00:28:47,476 --> 00:28:49,353
And you're like, "This ain't good."
553
00:28:50,020 --> 00:28:53,190
Single sex is more thrilling,
but it lacks in nutritional value.
554
00:28:53,774 --> 00:28:56,318
Relationship sex is boring,
but it's healthier.
555
00:28:56,318 --> 00:28:59,321
It's like a piece of grilled salmon,
relationship sex.
556
00:28:59,989 --> 00:29:02,199
No one's jazzed to eat salmon.
557
00:29:02,199 --> 00:29:04,452
But you finish it,
and you're like, "Pretty good."
558
00:29:05,703 --> 00:29:07,580
Single sex is Panda Express.
559
00:29:07,580 --> 00:29:09,748
You walk in like,
"This is gonna be excellent."
560
00:29:10,291 --> 00:29:12,585
The second it's over, I'm like,
"I think I'm gonna commit suicide.
561
00:29:12,585 --> 00:29:17,923
I think, uh, I'm a deeply unhappy man,
and tonight's the night I end it all."
562
00:29:20,176 --> 00:29:22,219
The night of the one-night stand,
I'm filled with passion.
563
00:29:22,219 --> 00:29:24,638
The next morning, it's a different story.
564
00:29:24,638 --> 00:29:28,142
The night of, I'm like, "I'll move to
Cleveland for this chick. I don't care."
565
00:29:28,142 --> 00:29:29,560
The next morning, I'm like, "If she died,
566
00:29:29,560 --> 00:29:34,356
it would have little to no impact
on my day-to-day. Just be honest here."
567
00:29:34,356 --> 00:29:35,441
[chuckles]
568
00:29:37,443 --> 00:29:38,861
You ever hook up
with someone from another country?
569
00:29:38,861 --> 00:29:40,654
That's a different energy, right?
570
00:29:40,654 --> 00:29:42,573
I was with this woman from Argentina.
571
00:29:42,573 --> 00:29:44,867
Some stuff is lost in translation
when this happens, you know?
572
00:29:44,867 --> 00:29:48,662
Like right before we sleep together,
she goes "This, I will surely regret."
573
00:29:48,662 --> 00:29:50,331
And I was like,
"I wonder what that means."
574
00:29:50,331 --> 00:29:55,294
You know, it's-- it's so interesting
to be around other cultures, but...
575
00:29:57,296 --> 00:29:59,089
I had a one-night stand with a woman once.
We're at my apartment.
576
00:29:59,089 --> 00:30:02,510
I'm going down on her,
and she's taking her time. And--
577
00:30:04,053 --> 00:30:05,513
Not trying to be insensitive. I just--
578
00:30:05,513 --> 00:30:08,390
I have a legitimate neck concern,
so, you know...
579
00:30:08,390 --> 00:30:09,517
The whole time I'm down there,
580
00:30:09,517 --> 00:30:12,520
I'm just thinking of all the PT I'm gonna
have to do to get back on track.
581
00:30:12,520 --> 00:30:15,147
There's resistance band work.
It's a whole thing.
582
00:30:15,147 --> 00:30:16,732
It was at least 22 minutes,
583
00:30:16,732 --> 00:30:19,401
because an entire episode of Frasier
played in the back.
584
00:30:20,528 --> 00:30:23,531
Yeah. And if anyone's wondering,
that show does hold up.
585
00:30:24,865 --> 00:30:27,034
Yeah, with my mouth, I was licking.
But with my mind, I was like,
586
00:30:27,034 --> 00:30:32,039
"Fucking Niles.
That guy is a rascal. An OG legend."
587
00:30:32,623 --> 00:30:35,876
And then, like, 30, 35 minutes in,
she just went, "I came."
588
00:30:35,876 --> 00:30:39,380
No buildup. No... [imitates moaning]
No shaking of the leg.
589
00:30:39,380 --> 00:30:41,799
Just a wooden delivery. "I came."
590
00:30:41,799 --> 00:30:45,386
You ever watching an indie film, and
the credits just pop up out of nowhere?
591
00:30:48,097 --> 00:30:51,267
I was like, "Did you just No Country
for Old Men me with your cooch?"
592
00:30:57,106 --> 00:30:58,607
My last breakup, I was very sad.
593
00:30:58,607 --> 00:31:01,277
I was very low at a certain point,
and-- She broke up with me.
594
00:31:01,277 --> 00:31:04,029
She touched my arm to console me
as she did it,
595
00:31:04,029 --> 00:31:08,909
and, uh, I flexed, which,
definite low point in my life.
596
00:31:08,909 --> 00:31:11,412
Uh, I don't know if I thought
that was gonna change her mind.
597
00:31:11,412 --> 00:31:15,874
Like-- She's like, "Wait a second.
Can you curl 25 pounds?"
598
00:31:15,874 --> 00:31:18,127
I'm like, "I'm getting there.
I'll tell you that much."
599
00:31:19,587 --> 00:31:20,754
Here's a little break of advice.
600
00:31:20,754 --> 00:31:24,758
Never look at an ex's social media, ever.
Don't do it. Don't.
601
00:31:24,758 --> 00:31:27,303
All my exes, uh,
they're sending me signals.
602
00:31:27,303 --> 00:31:29,597
Like, every post is still clearly for me.
603
00:31:30,681 --> 00:31:34,226
You know what I mean?
Smiling in a wedding dress? Nice try.
604
00:31:35,728 --> 00:31:39,982
Sad. Sad when people
can't move on with their life.
605
00:31:41,609 --> 00:31:42,651
I was sad after the breakup.
606
00:31:42,651 --> 00:31:44,737
My friends were like, "Hey,
you gotta get-- you gotta get out there.
607
00:31:44,737 --> 00:31:47,698
You gotta-- You gotta get laid."
And I was like, "Hell, yeah."
608
00:31:47,698 --> 00:31:50,784
I get-- I get street when I'm sad.
And, uh...
609
00:31:50,784 --> 00:31:53,746
But then, that voice in your head is like,
"It will make you sad if you do that."
610
00:31:53,746 --> 00:31:55,831
I was like, "Right." But then,
the voice in my head was like,
611
00:31:55,831 --> 00:31:57,750
"But you'll do it."
And I was like, "Of course. Yeah."
612
00:31:58,292 --> 00:32:01,962
I meet this woman. She's beautiful,
but she's incredibly vain.
613
00:32:01,962 --> 00:32:04,882
She picks out a pretty pricey spot.
We go to dinner.
614
00:32:04,882 --> 00:32:06,508
While we're having dinner,
she actually says this.
615
00:32:06,508 --> 00:32:09,803
She goes, "You know, my last boyfriend,
starting quarterback in the NFL.
616
00:32:09,803 --> 00:32:11,263
So, you know."
617
00:32:11,263 --> 00:32:14,016
I said, "I know what?"
She goes, "That I'm a catch."
618
00:32:14,016 --> 00:32:16,435
I said, "Yeah, 'cause he threw you away,
and I caught you.
619
00:32:16,435 --> 00:32:18,771
So you are-- you're a catch."
620
00:32:20,189 --> 00:32:21,940
She gave me a look.
I said, "You're very attractive."
621
00:32:21,940 --> 00:32:24,151
She goes, "You're saying that
'cause you're trying to sleep with me."
622
00:32:24,151 --> 00:32:28,822
I said, "And you're pretty smart as well.
So, you know, that's pretty good."
623
00:32:29,406 --> 00:32:32,660
The bill comes, 375 bucks.
624
00:32:32,660 --> 00:32:35,412
And she saw it,
'cause I-- I angled it. And...
625
00:32:37,706 --> 00:32:41,502
We're back at my place. We're making out.
She stops kissing me for a sec,
626
00:32:41,502 --> 00:32:44,254
and she goes, "I don't wanna be
some girl you text your friends about."
627
00:32:44,254 --> 00:32:47,383
I said, "I'm not gonna text
my friend Chase about this."
628
00:32:47,966 --> 00:32:50,552
She goes, "Chase?"
I was like, "Too specific. You're not--
629
00:32:51,095 --> 00:32:52,763
You're not supposed to have
a name locked and loaded.
630
00:32:52,763 --> 00:32:55,099
But that-- that's my recap buddy. Chase."
631
00:32:55,933 --> 00:32:59,520
Everyone here has a recap buddy.
It's-- It's just your horny friend.
632
00:33:00,562 --> 00:33:03,649
It's your friend who's
a little too excited that you got laid.
633
00:33:04,191 --> 00:33:06,694
This is how it usually plays out.
"Dude, I had sex last night."
634
00:33:06,694 --> 00:33:09,530
He writes back, "Instagram profile, now."
635
00:33:10,823 --> 00:33:13,367
I shoot it over.
He writes back, "Hell, yeah."
636
00:33:13,367 --> 00:33:14,493
And I'm ashamed to say,
637
00:33:14,493 --> 00:33:17,996
his enthusiasm fills the emptiness
in my life with purpose, so...
638
00:33:19,790 --> 00:33:21,959
I continue making out with her.
I go to remove her pants.
639
00:33:21,959 --> 00:33:23,711
She goes, "There's something
you need to know."
640
00:33:23,711 --> 00:33:27,798
I was like, "That's not what you
wanna hear when you're taking off pants."
641
00:33:28,382 --> 00:33:30,300
She goes, "I haven't shaved
in a really long time.
642
00:33:30,300 --> 00:33:33,262
I'm getting a Brazilian wax tomorrow
before my trip to Europe."
643
00:33:33,262 --> 00:33:36,598
And I said, "Well, that is
very exciting news for the next fella.
644
00:33:38,475 --> 00:33:41,061
I don't think it's helping me
here tonight in the United States,
645
00:33:41,061 --> 00:33:43,981
but thank you for briefing me
on the renovation schedule."
646
00:33:44,857 --> 00:33:49,236
She brings a bottle of wine into my bed
next, which i-- Classic 25-year-old move.
647
00:33:49,236 --> 00:33:51,655
This is what I get
for bringing home a woman that young.
648
00:33:51,655 --> 00:33:55,033
A woman my age would never roll the dice
on quality linens with red pinot.
649
00:33:55,033 --> 00:33:56,535
It's amateur hour, but...
650
00:33:58,120 --> 00:33:59,621
I usually date more age-appropriate.
651
00:33:59,621 --> 00:34:02,291
My ex was also, uh, you know, younger.
652
00:34:02,291 --> 00:34:04,585
When you date a few years younger,
your friends always say things like,
653
00:34:04,585 --> 00:34:09,506
"Young women, they can fuck all night."
And I'm like, "Cool. I can't. So..."
654
00:34:11,592 --> 00:34:12,885
You know what else young women can do?
655
00:34:12,885 --> 00:34:16,597
They can fight all night, and they're
willing to, because they think it matters.
656
00:34:19,600 --> 00:34:21,685
I need an older woman
with a job that depletes her.
657
00:34:21,685 --> 00:34:22,853
That's what I need.
658
00:34:23,562 --> 00:34:27,399
Comes home after the job
just grinds her into a nice salt.
659
00:34:28,233 --> 00:34:31,069
She just collapses on the couch like,
"Don't talk to me."
660
00:34:31,069 --> 00:34:32,488
And I'm like, "I won't."
661
00:34:35,240 --> 00:34:37,326
I'm in bed with this woman,
she's got the bottle of wine.
662
00:34:37,326 --> 00:34:39,453
I politely say, "Do you mind
taking the bottle out of the bed?
663
00:34:39,453 --> 00:34:41,914
I'm worried you're gonna spill it."
She goes, "Yeah, I'm gonna spill it."
664
00:34:41,914 --> 00:34:44,416
The second she says it,
dumps it everywhere. I was like, "Ugh."
665
00:34:44,416 --> 00:34:46,335
And then she goes,
"They're just sheets, you pussy."
666
00:34:46,335 --> 00:34:48,712
And I said, "The way
you're disrespecting me right now
667
00:34:48,712 --> 00:34:50,047
is really making my dick hard.
668
00:34:50,047 --> 00:34:51,131
Good stuff.
669
00:34:51,882 --> 00:34:52,925
Keep it up."
670
00:34:52,925 --> 00:34:54,885
Then she grabs me and goes,
"I'll make it up to you."
671
00:34:54,885 --> 00:34:56,386
And I was like, "Respect."
672
00:34:56,970 --> 00:34:58,347
Female privilege.
673
00:34:58,347 --> 00:35:00,432
A move us fellas can't pull off.
674
00:35:01,099 --> 00:35:04,353
I can't ruin your things
and then be like, "Whip out that vag.
675
00:35:06,897 --> 00:35:08,607
I know I destroyed one of your belongings,
676
00:35:08,607 --> 00:35:10,984
but I figure I finger you for a bit,
we're back on track.
677
00:35:10,984 --> 00:35:12,569
I don't know what the problem is."
678
00:35:14,863 --> 00:35:17,866
By the way, it's 6:30 a.m.
I'm not gonna get laid. It's fine.
679
00:35:17,866 --> 00:35:20,744
I'm washed up, I'm past my prime,
it's a younger man's game.
680
00:35:21,370 --> 00:35:23,622
I lack the patience,
the perseverance, the passion.
681
00:35:23,622 --> 00:35:25,958
It's all over for me. [chuckles]
682
00:35:25,958 --> 00:35:28,710
Look out the window,
I see a jogger, and I was like, "Ugh.
683
00:35:30,379 --> 00:35:33,841
You and me both, buddy,
fighting the good fight."
684
00:35:33,841 --> 00:35:35,926
A different fight,
but a fight nonetheless.
685
00:35:37,177 --> 00:35:40,347
6:38 comes around and, for some reason,
she's coming on to me aggressively.
686
00:35:40,347 --> 00:35:42,766
We're making out. She's naked. I'm naked.
687
00:35:42,766 --> 00:35:44,643
I'm like, "Maybe I'm gonna
turn this around, might--
688
00:35:44,643 --> 00:35:46,562
Maybe I got one more in me. Who knows?"
689
00:35:46,562 --> 00:35:47,938
Out of nowhere, she starts crying.
690
00:35:47,938 --> 00:35:49,690
I said, "What the hell happened?
Are you all right?"
691
00:35:49,690 --> 00:35:53,485
She goes, "I had a breakup too."
I said, "All right, let's not do this."
692
00:35:53,485 --> 00:35:55,571
And she goes,
"But I really, really want to."
693
00:35:55,571 --> 00:35:57,531
I said, "I'm sorry,
I'm not comfortable with it."
694
00:35:57,531 --> 00:35:59,199
She goes, "Please."
695
00:35:59,199 --> 00:36:00,868
And I go, "Sure." So...
696
00:36:02,077 --> 00:36:06,498
We have sex around 7:15 a.m.
We wrap up promptly around 7:21.
697
00:36:07,791 --> 00:36:09,877
Nothing showy,
but nothing to sneeze at neither.
698
00:36:09,877 --> 00:36:12,754
And the second it's over,
she goes, "I'm leaving."
699
00:36:12,754 --> 00:36:15,340
I said, "Just spend the night."
She goes, "I've seen your comedy.
700
00:36:15,340 --> 00:36:17,426
I know you don't like it
when women spend the night."
701
00:36:17,426 --> 00:36:20,637
I said, "They're just jokes."
She goes, "There's truth to every joke."
702
00:36:20,637 --> 00:36:22,973
I said, "Sometimes you're messing around."
And she goes, "I'm leaving."
703
00:36:22,973 --> 00:36:24,808
I said, "Sincerely,
I hope you spend the night,
704
00:36:24,808 --> 00:36:26,226
a morning, whatever the hell this is.
705
00:36:26,226 --> 00:36:28,562
We'll get six hours of sleep.
We'll get a late breakfast.
706
00:36:28,562 --> 00:36:30,981
You might even have a fun day
with me tomorrow. You never know."
707
00:36:30,981 --> 00:36:35,444
She looks right at me and goes, "Bye!"
And slams the door in my face.
708
00:36:36,153 --> 00:36:40,324
And I do a sad, slow pathetic walk
back to my bed,
709
00:36:40,866 --> 00:36:44,036
and I collapse
into the wine-soaked sheets.
710
00:36:44,786 --> 00:36:49,041
And I roll over and I text Chase,
"I'm back, motherfucker."
711
00:36:49,041 --> 00:36:53,253
[audience laughing, cheering]
712
00:37:01,470 --> 00:37:02,638
You need your buddies.
713
00:37:03,263 --> 00:37:04,348
Everyone, you need your buddies.
714
00:37:04,348 --> 00:37:06,558
I was hanging out with a close friend
the other day. He's a gay man.
715
00:37:06,558 --> 00:37:08,143
And, uh, you ever hang out
with a gay guy so much
716
00:37:08,143 --> 00:37:10,437
that their behavior
slowly begins to rub off on you?
717
00:37:10,979 --> 00:37:13,815
We're gossiping about a mutual friend,
and he goes, "Oh, that guy.
718
00:37:13,815 --> 00:37:16,735
I heard he's got a huge dick."
And I was like, "Really?"
719
00:37:18,779 --> 00:37:21,448
Then a few days later with a straight
friend, the same guy's name comes up.
720
00:37:21,448 --> 00:37:23,450
I was like, "I heard
that guy's got a massive hog."
721
00:37:23,450 --> 00:37:25,202
And he was like,
"Why are you telling me this?"
722
00:37:25,202 --> 00:37:26,286
[mutters]
723
00:37:27,079 --> 00:37:28,497
Thought that's what we do now.
724
00:37:30,290 --> 00:37:32,376
Thought we'd talk
about our friend's sweet dong.
725
00:37:34,670 --> 00:37:36,254
We were talking about HPV,
which, by the way,
726
00:37:36,254 --> 00:37:38,548
if you don't have it at this point,
get off the bench and get in the game.
727
00:37:38,548 --> 00:37:39,633
Really?
728
00:37:42,427 --> 00:37:44,054
Found out I-- Found I had it years ago.
729
00:37:44,054 --> 00:37:46,473
The doctor was like, "You have HPV."
And I was like, "Oh, no!"
730
00:37:46,473 --> 00:37:48,308
And he goes,
"Who gives a shit? I have it."
731
00:37:49,685 --> 00:37:51,979
I said, "Really?" He goes,
"Did you fuck in your 20s?"
732
00:37:51,979 --> 00:37:54,064
And I said, "Yeah."
He goes, "Then you have it."
733
00:37:54,690 --> 00:37:56,441
I looked at the nurse, she does this...
734
00:37:59,778 --> 00:38:02,406
It's a direct quote from my doctor.
"Did you fuck in your 20s?"
735
00:38:02,406 --> 00:38:05,325
I was like, "I'm gonna have to get
a better insurance plan next year."
736
00:38:06,034 --> 00:38:07,869
I've become buddies with this doctor,
'cause, you know,
737
00:38:07,869 --> 00:38:10,706
I don't have to use the portal with him.
I could just text him for information.
738
00:38:10,706 --> 00:38:13,208
Like, I-- My neck was killing me,
and I said, "Hey, can I do kettlebells?
739
00:38:13,208 --> 00:38:15,335
They're gonna agitate
the nerve in my neck."
740
00:38:15,335 --> 00:38:18,505
He wrote, "I can't talk right now.
I'm fucking my ex in Italy."
741
00:38:19,631 --> 00:38:22,634
I said, "Well, you wrote that. You could
have written yes or no probably, but..."
742
00:38:23,510 --> 00:38:25,178
My doctor's my friend Chase.
743
00:38:25,178 --> 00:38:27,264
[audience laughing]
744
00:38:29,141 --> 00:38:31,977
[audience cheering, applauding]
745
00:38:36,106 --> 00:38:38,025
I'm gonna tell you a very strange story.
746
00:38:38,025 --> 00:38:40,193
So this happened a few months ago.
747
00:38:40,694 --> 00:38:44,364
The worst person I ever dated
tried to reach out to reconnect with me.
748
00:38:44,364 --> 00:38:46,199
[laughs] She's-- She was terrible.
749
00:38:46,199 --> 00:38:49,244
This was, like, 17 years ago.
A narcissist. A manipulator.
750
00:38:49,244 --> 00:38:50,829
Made everything about her.
751
00:38:50,829 --> 00:38:53,415
Let's call her Melinda
for the sake of this story.
752
00:38:53,999 --> 00:38:57,085
She calls me from a blocked number.
I have the same number since I was a kid.
753
00:38:57,085 --> 00:39:00,047
So it's, you know,
easy to reach out, I guess.
754
00:39:00,047 --> 00:39:03,467
I pick up. I say, "Hello."
She goes, "It's me."
755
00:39:04,384 --> 00:39:06,636
And I go, "You?" She goes, "Melinda."
756
00:39:06,636 --> 00:39:09,389
And I couldn't stop my body
from going, "Ugh."
757
00:39:10,474 --> 00:39:11,975
It just came out of me.
758
00:39:11,975 --> 00:39:15,604
And she goes, "Can you talk?" And I
was like, "Oh, it's a-- it's a bad time."
759
00:39:15,604 --> 00:39:17,105
And she goes, "Well, what about later?"
760
00:39:17,105 --> 00:39:20,609
Which is kind of like if a cockroach
came from behind the fridge
761
00:39:20,609 --> 00:39:23,779
and saw the expression on your face,
and was like, "We'll reschedule."
762
00:39:23,779 --> 00:39:26,948
And you're like, "Right,
that wasn't the issue exactly, but..."
763
00:39:26,948 --> 00:39:28,950
I panic. I hang up.
764
00:39:29,868 --> 00:39:32,537
And I will now read you
the text exchange between us...
765
00:39:33,205 --> 00:39:35,957
[audience cheering]
766
00:39:35,957 --> 00:39:39,127
...because this is next-level bonkers.
767
00:39:40,128 --> 00:39:44,424
"Hey, sorry. It's Melinda. Again.
Can I call you back or something?"
768
00:39:44,424 --> 00:39:45,509
Separate text.
769
00:39:45,509 --> 00:39:46,718
"Please."
770
00:39:46,718 --> 00:39:47,803
Separate text.
771
00:39:47,803 --> 00:39:49,679
"Sam, it's Melinda."
772
00:39:49,679 --> 00:39:50,764
Separate text.
773
00:39:50,764 --> 00:39:52,682
"What time should I call?"
774
00:39:52,682 --> 00:39:56,103
Four distinct personalities
coming at you lightning fast, huh?
775
00:39:57,104 --> 00:39:58,522
I haven't yet responded.
776
00:39:58,522 --> 00:40:02,359
She writes, "I just have
a very quick question. Trust me, please."
777
00:40:02,359 --> 00:40:03,443
I don't.
778
00:40:03,944 --> 00:40:05,403
I write, "Text it."
779
00:40:05,403 --> 00:40:06,863
She writes, "I'd rather not.
780
00:40:06,863 --> 00:40:09,950
Don't worry, it's nothing salacious,
like, at all. I promise."
781
00:40:09,950 --> 00:40:12,536
I write, "Text is your only option."
782
00:40:13,370 --> 00:40:14,955
You'll soon see
why I have to go to such lengths
783
00:40:14,955 --> 00:40:17,207
to create clear boundaries with her.
784
00:40:17,207 --> 00:40:19,292
She writes, "Oy vey.
785
00:40:20,293 --> 00:40:23,380
Well, are you available for a few minutes
right now? Even if it's over text?"
786
00:40:23,380 --> 00:40:27,551
I write, "Two min max.
Any more, I will block you."
787
00:40:29,469 --> 00:40:33,723
She writes, "Block me. Oh, dear. Um,
okay, what a strange thing to say to me.
788
00:40:33,723 --> 00:40:35,142
But the actual reason I've reached out
789
00:40:35,142 --> 00:40:38,728
is because you know how you're performing
at Madison Square Garden November 4th?"
790
00:40:38,728 --> 00:40:41,857
I headlined the Madison Square Garden
Theater November 4th. It's no--
791
00:40:41,857 --> 00:40:44,276
- [audience cheering]
- It's noth-- It's nothing.
792
00:40:44,276 --> 00:40:46,653
It's not-- It's not a big deal.
793
00:40:46,653 --> 00:40:48,655
It's just hard work
meets talent and determination.
794
00:40:48,655 --> 00:40:50,448
You know, it's nothing, but...
795
00:40:51,032 --> 00:40:52,117
"Well, I'd really love to come.
796
00:40:52,117 --> 00:40:55,453
I sent you a message a while back
on social media, not sure if you got it.
797
00:40:55,453 --> 00:41:01,084
Point/Question is, would you be okay
with that? With me coming to your show?"
798
00:41:01,084 --> 00:41:04,254
I write, "Wouldn't make a difference
to me. It's a pretty big venue."
799
00:41:05,881 --> 00:41:07,966
She writes, "That sounds kind of mean.
800
00:41:07,966 --> 00:41:11,178
Hmm. I guess I'm not sure why. I just
didn't want to intrude or anything."
801
00:41:11,178 --> 00:41:13,930
Intrude on Madison Square Garden.
802
00:41:15,557 --> 00:41:19,769
Like I'm gonna be on stage mid-set
like, "Who the fuck is that?"
803
00:41:22,564 --> 00:41:25,567
What I do next is passive-aggressive,
'cause I want the conversation to end.
804
00:41:25,567 --> 00:41:28,236
I just text her a-- a Ticketmaster link...
805
00:41:28,236 --> 00:41:30,405
[audience laughing]
806
00:41:30,405 --> 00:41:31,990
...hoping that's that.
807
00:41:32,741 --> 00:41:36,661
She writes, "Okay, great. Thanks.
See you then. Break a leg as usual.
808
00:41:36,661 --> 00:41:41,416
Hope to see you, like, actually see you.
Anyway, thanks for taking the time.
809
00:41:41,416 --> 00:41:44,044
Hope to see you
before or after your show."
810
00:41:44,044 --> 00:41:46,296
This is when a normal person
would've stopped, right?
811
00:41:47,214 --> 00:41:48,798
She's just getting warmed up.
812
00:41:50,091 --> 00:41:54,471
"Okay, wait. Which seats do I pick?
Which seats, Sam? Let me know."
813
00:41:54,471 --> 00:41:58,225
I write, "They're all good seats.
It's the world's most famous arena."
814
00:41:59,643 --> 00:42:02,312
She writes, "Please help me pick.
I'm happy to pay top dollar.
815
00:42:02,312 --> 00:42:03,730
I'm not good at picking seats."
816
00:42:03,730 --> 00:42:04,814
Separate text.
817
00:42:04,814 --> 00:42:06,816
"Please help me pick seats.
818
00:42:06,816 --> 00:42:09,694
If you could help me with choosing
the seats, I'd really appreciate it.
819
00:42:09,694 --> 00:42:12,364
Just let me know how to pay, okay?"
820
00:42:12,364 --> 00:42:14,449
No response,
followed up with a question mark.
821
00:42:14,449 --> 00:42:16,409
I send her another Ticketmaster link.
822
00:42:16,409 --> 00:42:19,079
This time to the last row,
all the way to the right.
823
00:42:19,079 --> 00:42:23,250
They're the furthest seats from me
in the entire venue.
824
00:42:23,250 --> 00:42:27,254
She writes, "These aren't very close."
And I respond, "Neither are we."
825
00:42:27,254 --> 00:42:30,715
[audience laughing, cheering]
826
00:42:34,928 --> 00:42:38,014
I really, really wish
that's where the story ended.
827
00:42:38,890 --> 00:42:42,394
But the big night comes.
I'm on stage at the MSG Theater.
828
00:42:42,394 --> 00:42:45,063
Things are going well,
getting some good laughs.
829
00:42:45,063 --> 00:42:47,148
Anytime I do a joke
about an ex-girlfriend, though,
830
00:42:47,148 --> 00:42:52,070
I hear a voice in the crowd go,
"Hey! Hey!"
831
00:42:52,070 --> 00:42:54,322
And I'm like, "That's her stupid voice."
832
00:42:55,156 --> 00:42:59,577
One bad decision 17 years ago haunting me
on the biggest night of my career.
833
00:42:59,577 --> 00:43:03,290
I play with it. I try to make it as fun
as possible without embarrassing her.
834
00:43:03,290 --> 00:43:08,128
I get off stage, my agent goes, uh,
"That was her, and she was removed."
835
00:43:09,462 --> 00:43:11,965
And you better believe
I heard about it the next day.
836
00:43:13,383 --> 00:43:16,386
[audience laughing, cheering]
837
00:43:20,140 --> 00:43:22,475
"Hey, Sam.
So I came to your show with Mom.
838
00:43:22,475 --> 00:43:25,186
I was so happy to be there
and happy for you.
839
00:43:25,186 --> 00:43:27,480
When you came on stage,
I couldn't believe it."
840
00:43:28,064 --> 00:43:30,317
You couldn't believe that I came out?
It's-- Every show I have to come out.
841
00:43:30,317 --> 00:43:31,443
It's standard.
842
00:43:31,443 --> 00:43:33,445
It's a contractual breach
if I stay backstage.
843
00:43:33,445 --> 00:43:37,282
It would be f-foolish business
for everyone involved.
844
00:43:37,282 --> 00:43:39,909
"When, suddenly,
MSG security came up behind me,
845
00:43:39,909 --> 00:43:42,829
and the man told me
I needed to shut the fuck up.
846
00:43:44,956 --> 00:43:47,876
Shocked and upset, I asked for his name,
which he said was Paul."
847
00:43:49,377 --> 00:43:51,046
Paul is my agent Mike.
848
00:43:52,547 --> 00:43:53,631
I love how committed he is.
849
00:43:53,631 --> 00:43:56,301
I also love that
he had an alias locked and loaded.
850
00:43:57,302 --> 00:43:59,387
It's amazing to have an agent
that runs into the crowd,
851
00:43:59,387 --> 00:44:03,850
seeing someone ruin my show,
and go, "Shut the fuck up!"
852
00:44:03,850 --> 00:44:06,936
And when she said, "Who are you?"
He goes, "Paul."
853
00:44:09,564 --> 00:44:13,401
Anyway, the texts go on and on and on.
I stopped responding a long time ago.
854
00:44:13,401 --> 00:44:15,612
But I-- I called my agent,
I was like, "Is this a problem?"
855
00:44:15,612 --> 00:44:17,238
He goes, "Yeah,
this could be a safety issue.
856
00:44:17,238 --> 00:44:18,782
We gotta do a background check."
857
00:44:18,782 --> 00:44:21,117
So he did one,
and you wanna hear the results?
858
00:44:21,117 --> 00:44:22,786
[audience cheering]
859
00:44:22,786 --> 00:44:26,373
She's a working psychologist
in New York City.
860
00:44:26,373 --> 00:44:28,291
[audience laughing]
861
00:44:28,291 --> 00:44:29,542
I agree. I love it.
862
00:44:30,335 --> 00:44:33,630
I love that there's a dude in her office,
like, "My ex won't text me back."
863
00:44:33,630 --> 00:44:36,257
And she's like, "Never stop."
864
00:44:36,257 --> 00:44:38,343
[audience laughing]
865
00:44:42,680 --> 00:44:44,182
Finding out she's a psychologist
866
00:44:44,182 --> 00:44:47,435
is like finding out Cosby's
on the new season of The Bachelor.
867
00:44:49,938 --> 00:44:52,399
Let me-- I got to-- I got to wrap this up.
868
00:44:52,399 --> 00:44:56,569
But let me-- let me tell you a story.
869
00:44:57,529 --> 00:45:00,448
So, you know,
we've been on the road hard recently.
870
00:45:00,448 --> 00:45:04,202
It's, you know, me, James, who's directing
this special, directed my last one.
871
00:45:04,202 --> 00:45:06,121
Gary, who you've seen earlier tonight.
872
00:45:06,121 --> 00:45:10,542
My boy, Gary, uh, Gary Vider.
873
00:45:11,668 --> 00:45:15,088
And Brian, who you-you guys have met.
Brian, my tour manager.
874
00:45:15,088 --> 00:45:19,551
So we're doing a gig in, uh--
we're doing a gig in Baltimore.
875
00:45:19,551 --> 00:45:23,054
We're going from New York to Baltimore.
There's a three-hour delay on Amtrak.
876
00:45:23,054 --> 00:45:24,639
I'm in a bad mood. I'm stressed.
877
00:45:24,639 --> 00:45:27,392
I might have muttered
the word "Nazis" at some point.
878
00:45:28,101 --> 00:45:30,019
And then I thought about it.
If they were actual Nazis,
879
00:45:30,019 --> 00:45:32,105
I'd be on the train, so...
880
00:45:33,773 --> 00:45:37,777
The destination would be worse,
but as far as we're talking about transit,
881
00:45:38,570 --> 00:45:41,573
I'm getting there
on a-- a-- on a Nazi car.
882
00:45:41,573 --> 00:45:45,160
But we get to Baltimore.
I'm in a very bad mood.
883
00:45:45,160 --> 00:45:48,872
And we usually play basketball to sweat
out the booze, or, you know, a big meal.
884
00:45:48,872 --> 00:45:50,415
We-- We sweat it out. Basketball.
885
00:45:50,415 --> 00:45:52,709
But I was like,
"Guys, let's do hot yoga today."
886
00:45:52,709 --> 00:45:54,961
You guys know
Baltimore is known for hot yoga.
887
00:45:54,961 --> 00:45:59,048
So, we're in the class,
all four of us, we're struggling.
888
00:45:59,048 --> 00:46:01,593
It's 30 minutes
into a 90-minute hot class.
889
00:46:01,593 --> 00:46:04,554
At the 30-minute mark,
the instructor recognizes me.
890
00:46:04,554 --> 00:46:09,392
She goes, "I see we have a comedian
in the class. Does he wanna tell a joke?"
891
00:46:09,392 --> 00:46:11,519
I look at Brian like,
"Dude, what the hell do I do here?"
892
00:46:11,519 --> 00:46:13,688
I'm in downward dog.
It's not ideal, you know?
893
00:46:14,230 --> 00:46:16,232
Brian gives me a look like,
let me handle this,
894
00:46:16,232 --> 00:46:17,692
which I don't know what that means.
895
00:46:17,692 --> 00:46:21,488
And then Brian goes, "I'll tell a joke."
I was like, "What are you doing?"
896
00:46:22,030 --> 00:46:26,034
This is the joke Brian tells a room
full of women. It's an old joke of mine.
897
00:46:26,034 --> 00:46:29,162
He goes, "My friend's girlfriend
just had a miscarriage in the shower.
898
00:46:29,162 --> 00:46:33,249
And I was like, 'Oh, my God.
Worst baby shower ever.'"
899
00:46:35,418 --> 00:46:37,086
Silence.
900
00:46:38,505 --> 00:46:41,549
Except for one Black dude in the back,
who went... [chuckling] ..."Oh, shit."
901
00:46:43,384 --> 00:46:45,136
The instructor goes,
"Well, I'm triggered."
902
00:46:45,136 --> 00:46:48,181
I was like, "You think you're upset?
That one usually kills, so..."
903
00:46:50,934 --> 00:46:53,269
I turned to Brian. I was like, "Dude,
what the heck?" He goes, "It's your joke."
904
00:46:53,269 --> 00:46:55,104
I said, "Yeah, I don't open with it.
905
00:46:55,980 --> 00:46:57,649
You gotta earn some of these."
906
00:46:57,649 --> 00:47:00,610
The thing about a good miscarriage joke is
907
00:47:01,319 --> 00:47:03,613
without a proper delivery,
it's just nothing.
908
00:47:03,613 --> 00:47:05,990
[audience laughing]
909
00:47:05,990 --> 00:47:07,700
Thank you, Boston. You rule.
910
00:47:07,700 --> 00:47:10,787
[audience cheering, applauding]
911
00:47:17,877 --> 00:47:18,878
[no audible dialogue]
912
00:47:18,878 --> 00:47:20,964
["Reptilia" playing]
913
00:47:41,985 --> 00:47:44,153
{\an8}This probably won't make the special,
but I'm gonna do it anyway,
914
00:47:44,153 --> 00:47:45,572
{\an8}'cause I like to do this at live shows.
915
00:47:45,572 --> 00:47:47,240
{\an8}[audience cheering]
916
00:47:47,240 --> 00:47:50,952
{\an8}Give me a real problem. I will solve it,
and-- It's gotta be real though.
917
00:47:50,952 --> 00:47:53,371
{\an8}It can't be, like, some bullshit.
It's gotta be a real problem.
918
00:47:53,371 --> 00:47:55,957
{\an8}But I will solve it, and I'll buy you
a drink if it's a good problem.
919
00:47:55,957 --> 00:47:58,376
{\an8}[audience member]
I need my couch professionally cleaned!
920
00:47:58,376 --> 00:47:59,877
{\an8}- [Sam chuckles]
- [audience laughs]
921
00:47:59,877 --> 00:48:02,755
{\an8}Dude, I think you're looking for, like,
a laundromat or so-- I don't know.
922
00:48:02,755 --> 00:48:03,840
{\an8}This is a live comedy show.
923
00:48:03,840 --> 00:48:07,051
{\an8}What are-- I meant, like,
emotional problems or something.
924
00:48:07,051 --> 00:48:08,928
{\an8}The first guy was good. [chuckles]
925
00:48:08,928 --> 00:48:11,598
{\an8}He was like, "I-I have a furniture issue."
926
00:48:11,598 --> 00:48:13,766
{\an8}- [audience laughing]
- Okay.
927
00:48:13,766 --> 00:48:17,186
{\an8}Either I pissed on it, or someone
broke into my house and pissed on it.
928
00:48:17,186 --> 00:48:21,482
{\an8}I'm gonna guess it was you.
Ba-- Based on your accent.
929
00:48:21,482 --> 00:48:24,652
{\an8}[audience laughing]
930
00:48:24,652 --> 00:48:27,488
{\an8}[imitating Boston accent]
Someone must have peed on my carpet.
931
00:48:27,488 --> 00:48:30,199
{\an8}[audience laughing]
932
00:48:30,199 --> 00:48:34,537
{\an8}[normal voice] I love-- It's such
a drunken accent, the Boston accent.
933
00:48:35,246 --> 00:48:37,123
{\an8}[imitating Boston accent]
I fucked up my car.
934
00:48:37,123 --> 00:48:38,666
{\an8}[audience laughing]
935
00:48:38,666 --> 00:48:42,629
{\an8}It was either me who shit my pants
or someone else. I don't know who.
936
00:48:42,629 --> 00:48:45,757
{\an8}[audience laughing, cheering]
937
00:48:52,221 --> 00:48:54,015
{\an8}- [cameraperson] Oh, hey, buddy.
- What's up, dude?
938
00:48:54,015 --> 00:48:57,226
{\an8}- [cameraperson] Hey, buddy. I'm sorry.
- Buddy, I'm trying to sleep.
939
00:48:57,226 --> 00:48:59,312
{\an8}[music continues]
940
00:49:00,480 --> 00:49:02,482
{\an8}[no audible dialogue]
941
00:49:03,816 --> 00:49:06,110
{\an8}[person shouting, indistinct]
942
00:49:06,110 --> 00:49:08,196
{\an8}- [cameraperson] What do you think, Gary?
- Oh, man. That's my type.
943
00:49:08,196 --> 00:49:09,864
{\an8}- That's your girl, dude.
- Oh, yeah!
944
00:49:09,864 --> 00:49:11,783
{\an8}We're gonna set you up, buddy! Yes!
945
00:49:11,783 --> 00:49:15,453
{\an8}If the pepperonis don't curl up like
a pug's tail staring into its butthole,
946
00:49:15,453 --> 00:49:18,748
{\an8}- I want nothing to do with it.
- [cameraperson laughs]
947
00:49:18,748 --> 00:49:21,959
{\an8}- Give me back my nose candy, bitch.
- No, dude. I'm not gi-- What?
948
00:49:21,959 --> 00:49:24,462
{\an8}- Give me back my nose candy, bitch.
- What are you doing?
949
00:49:24,462 --> 00:49:26,464
{\an8}[Gary] I'm gonna shoot you.
950
00:49:26,464 --> 00:49:29,759
{\an8}[all laughing]
951
00:49:35,765 --> 00:49:37,767
{\an8}[music continues]
952
00:50:01,290 --> 00:50:03,292
{\an8}[music ends]